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messages to realthoughts:
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from starkitten01 :
I understand. <3
from rainforme :
i know you don't want to read it from me, but i am very, truly sorry for what you are going through. i would not want to be in your shoes.
from blazingstar :
Cool, you updated right after I left you a note asking you to update! Your job sounds great. I like spending time alone when E is away. I like to just sort of hole up in the house and tune out the world.
from blazingstar :
Ugh. YES. The 405. The upside though was that my interviewer let me go after about 10 minutes, in an attempt to get me back on the road in time to beat traffic. Didn't work, but at least the interview was short! So when are you going to write about your new job? Will you tell us what it is?! I'm dying of curiosity!
from rainforme :
yah, i get that it's not the same. didn't know what else to say other than the standard "let go and let god" there's christian school brainwashing for you. by the way, one of my sister's donated egg transactions resulted in twins as well.
from rainforme :
everyone told us to be prepared for it take at least six months, maybe longer. i always had a fear that it wouldn't happen due to ovary issues i've had, etc. so hubby and i have talked extensively about what would happen if it didn't work. i suppose i was more prepared for it not to work than for it to work so soon. we were ready to adopt and i had made peace with myself that it might not happen. i know this all sounds like shit from me now, but at some point, you have to let it go... for your sanity and health and more oftentimes than not, when you let go is when it happens. i am sorry you have to go through this. i wish i could offer more support in some way.
from avox :
It's not really hyper-sensitivity, though... I don't think any one can be overly sensitive in a way that it's a disorder or anything. Do you ever feel as though you can pick up on other's feelings and feel them just as passionately? Or-- when you see certain things on t.v. that aren't even sad, but have some relation to nature, the world, or anything involving extremely passionate content-- do you feel like crying?
from blazingstar :
Wow, congratulations! Take it, take it, take it! I mean, unless your new school is incredibly awesome or something. But if you know it's your dream job...go for it!
from blazingstar :
I have no idea what TV show you're talking about but I'm very curious! I'm sure one day the stars will align and you and I will be able to meet up in person. :) Good luck with the start of school - I hope it's worlds better than the last one.
from yellow-ninja :
I know how you feel about the party things. That's how I feel when my roommate drags me out. I know that I wouldn't be friends with the people I'm friends with out here if it wasn't for her - they're not really "my kind" of people. It's weird and hard to have all your friends so far away. Good luck with school this year! I hope things go really well.
from yellow-ninja :
Thanks for the add! I've been looking for new people to read, too! I know what you mean about people disappearing - hardly anyone I read when I started in 2003 is still writing.
from glorycloud :
Not "two hours" but "two years" I am waking up-I should reread what I write-peace
from glorycloud :
I have been reading your blog the last couple of days-thanks for sharing-I have been writing in Diaryland since 2001-but I think I did stop writing here for two hours-I either stopped writing here or I deleted the entries by mistake? I have been writing in LiveJournal since 2001 and have other blogs-I write the same thing in each blog-I paste what I write in LJ into my other blogs-I also have been writing in a diary form since 1968. You should keep your online diary in other blogs in case Diaryland does shut down. I printed off for many years what I wrote in LJ but realized after writing for many years I repeat myself-so I stopped printing off what I was writing in my blogs-we all tend to say or write the same things over and over-well thanks for writing down your Life-the Lord bless
from blazingstar :
You know, I was totally going to suggest the same thing. I know I'll be up there at some point because a bunch of my belongings are in Santa Monica at the moment. I would absolutely love to hang out in person. Oh and PS! I'm secretly a D-land old-timer, too. I started in 2001 but then after an attack of paranoia about "real life" people finding what I'd written, I deleted everything and started over in 2005. :)
from blazingstar :
I hear you on the friendship thing. I have very few "true" friends anymore, and I try not to dwell on it because it doesn't make me feel great. But like you I have my best friend, the love of my life, the person who is always there with me throughout the ups and downs of daily life. And I struggle with the same questions about finding friends -- am I lazier? Pickier? Is it just harder to find friends in the "real" world than it was in school? My closest friends are my oldest friends, but each time I go home and see my childhood friends, I find us growing further apart. Also it's so interesting how the real world and virtual world blend... These days I feel like some of the people who know me the best only know me through the Internet. Weird, isn't it?
from glorycloud :
nice to meet you also
from blazingstar :
I know this entry (July 5, 2009) is unfinished, but I just wanted to say it's beautiful. And almost made me cry... I don't really know what to say -- only that I feel for you and I sincerely hope that one day soon that room will be used for its original purpose. I'm thinking of you.
from blazingstar :
Hey, I tried sending you the password at both accounts but I'm not sure it worked...so I'll just put it here: on/vacation
from blazingstar :
I think the age issue and the "doing something significant and productive" issue are related, or at least that they're similar kinds of worries... Eric worries about those things a lot. He's 31 and constantly asking me if he's "too old" to do something "amazing" with his life or to be "successful." This is coming from a man who has 4 advanced degrees and has always been successful at everything he does...and yet he never feels that way. Just like he never feels "young." It doesn't bother me to the same extent these days but I do sympathize. When I was 11 I was TERRIFIED of turning 12. And I often can't help comparing myself to my mom, who reached all kinds of significant and impressive milestones (in her education, career, etc) when she was younger than I am. So I can't help feeling like I'm "behind" or something, even though I KNOW I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me and all that. I don't have any advice or anything...just wanted to comment! :)
from blazingstar :
I SO relate to this: "I don't know what things are going to be a big deal to him or what he's going to dislike. I've become so used to having his input before making any decision that I think I actually NEED his input before having the ability to decide." Having done the long-distance thing for 4 years I definitely empathize. Loneliness is no fun.
from rainforme :
thank you. i struggled for awhile with the guilt of not feeling guilt... if that makes sense, but i think i just realized that being married doesn't mean i'm not still a woman with the urge to be wanted and to want. learning process... hah. good to know i am not alone.
from rainforme :
i mean yes on prop 8. you know what i mean.
from rainforme :
u can be rest assured you aren't the only one that would have voted no (or did) on prop 8. i'm one of them and i have many friends in cali who feel the same. i'm not against their unions, i'm just against them trying to be in the same category as male and female marriages. just leave it alone and pave your own path, that's how i feel.
from blazingstar :
Hey there, looks like you're going through a rough time so I just thought I'd say hi. Also, though I don't know exactly what you're going through, I do sympathize with the desire to just call in sick and drive somewhere. Alone. Friday night I parked at the gym and instead of going inside right away I walked to the edge of the parking lot (on this really deserted street) and had the urge to just keep walking and walking, not tell anyone where I was going, just go. Anyway, hang in there, and if you want to vent about anything you can always email me!
from revisions :
hey are you okay? we should catch up sometime soon. :)
from blazingstar :
I'm so excited for you! I agree that there's never really a "right" time to have kids, in the sense that no matter how you plan it, your life will totally turn upside down when it happens. But when you're ready, you're ready. And I really think financial stability, career stability, etc is not what matters most. I mean, of course it's important to be able to support your child. But being psychologically ready, feeling in your heart that it's the right time...that matters so much.
from stepfordtart :
Hey! I found your diary through blaze - sorry you're havinga rough time of it lately. Once of my best girlfriends is a NQT and she's finding it SO HARD, really, like she's not sure why she bothered to become a teacher at all. She's just a year into the job and she's reached meltdown already. it soudns horrible. I feel for you. Also (and this is a secret so dont you go telling!) I secretly hope/wish that Im pregnant most months as even tho it would mean financial ruin and would be quite the stupidest thing in the world (Im 42, my husb is 46 and we already have 5 kids between us), it would mean I could leave my job. Dont beat yourself up for feeling like that. s x
from blazingstar :
You know, you remind me so much of ME! :) Tonight for example...I would SO share a drink (or five) with you if I could. "Every once in awhile crying. From stress and from boredom and from unhappiness and from uncertainty and from horniness." I HEAR YOU. Being so supportive all the time is tiring. Eric just found out that he won't get to keep his job next year, even though he's been working super hard at it and is way overqualified. So he's had a rough day and he's playing video games now. Of course all I can think about is that this will be yet another sexless night. I'll go to bed alone and he'll be too stressed/tired/sad to do anything. We haven't even TALKED about sex in a month. I feel bad letting those thoughts consume me because I know he's having a hard time, and we did spend all day together. But I feel very alone. I don't want to talk to him about it because I'm too shy and too tired to talk to him about sex. So I'm starting a diary instead, woohoo! I'll let you know when it's up and running. ;)
from twsmith23 :
I'm not sure i like getting older each year, but it is certainly interesting... =) Thanks for the birthday wishes nonetheless!
from blazingstar :
Don't feel guilty about it - as you know, I'm not guilty about MY Internet snooping! Plus in your situation I kinda feel like it's a pretty cool thing that you can do that...because otherwise you'd be totally in the dark about what's going on. So yes, I wouldn't feel guilty about it. And I'm so glad there was good news!
from lost-facade :
You know I think temp teachers treat temping as some sort of holiday or something, where they don't have to do anything substantive apart from stuff like put videos on. In school we had the laziest/craziest temp teachers - one got us to make wooden boxes all day, another was slightly nuts and yelled at us all the time to shut up whilst texting on his phone, even though we were discussing work that he couldn't/couldn't be bothered to give us answers about, while others would just let us do anything as long as we didn't kill each other.
from rainforme :
oh man, really?!? it's like syrup in a cup. haha. to each his own... :) i think all three of us gals is on dland at the same time. revisions just sent me an email. good to hear from you both.
from blazingstar :
So exciting! I'm sure you'll be a great teacher. But I do NOT envy you having to brush up on geometry so quickly...I'm terrible at math. I just got a job teaching at a preschool, and I have no idea what I'm doing! This week will definitely be interesting...
from blazingstar :
I've been vaguely thinking about egg donation lately...I don't think I actually have the courage to do it, but I'm very curious about it. There always used to be ads for it in my university newspaper, since some prospective parents want donors with certain SAT scores or whatever (a little strange when you think about it)...Oh man, synchronized swimming sounds awesome! Do it!
from blazingstar :
Hey lady, thanks so much for your note. It helped a LOT. I spent the morning moping about, kicking myself for not being completely honest with Eric (despite the fact that we had a really good, open conversation last night). Partly I was mad at myself, and partly I was feeling frustrated because Eric still isn't being entirely open with me either. I've learned a few things that he hasn't told me (I admit it, I'm a snoop! Plus I live with him, so you just SEE things, you know?)...So anyway, I was feeling bummed, but just now he unexpectedly came home to pick up something for work, saw me wallowing on the couch, and comforted me. I told him I was mad at myself for not talking to him, and he laughed and told me not to be mad, that we did really well with our talk last night and we just need to keep it up. And he was really affectionate and sweet about it. And then I read your note! Now I feel all better :) So thank you. Also, I think you actually exceeded the word limit on my Haloscan comments - it cut off mid-sentence! Wow! Oh also, I know what you mean about not being able to sort out your thoughts, or worrying that what you say will come out wrong. I have that problem too, and it just makes me clam up even more. Anyway, thanks for your encouragement. You're so sweet!
from rainforme :
i don't know when you left me your latest note, but just wanted to say thanks. i miss writing at times too and this group of "friends", but I sometimes feel like i've lost the passion for it and definitely the subject matter for it. was always more of a cleansing thing, writing... and now I am "cleaner" than I have been in a long time and don't feel the urge to purge, so to speak. i won't give up on this diary, but the entries will definitely continue to be sporadic. i miss you guys and am glad to drop in every now and then for a catch up. love the story of how you met your hubby.
from twsmith23 :
Thank you for sharing the story about you and K. It was wonderful...
from blazingstar :
What a beautiful story! I'm a sucker for a good love story. You really did come across my diary at the right time - it's usually way less interesting. I'm so glad I met you on here!
from blazingstar :
Thanks so much for all of your support through all this. I'm glad you're enjoying my updates! Your diary has really inspired me to chronicle what's going on. Part of what took me so long to update was that I was afraid people would criticize me for ending things with Paddles so quickly, for jumping into this new relationship so fast, etc. You write so honestly and openly, and you motivate me to try to do the same!
from blazingstar :
I like your rambling entries! There's nothing wrong with rambling!
from blazingstar :
I feel the same way about waiting...I'm never satisfied. And I always tell myself "Once this one thing happens I'll be perfectly happy." Then I find myself waiting for the next thing...sigh.
from blazingstar :
Thanks for your thoughtful comment! I'm definitely going to tell AGS how I feel. I'm not sure yet about telling Paddles about A's email because he would definitely be incredibly worried and jealous (even if I didn't tell him about my own feelings for AGS). Background on Paddles: we've been together for 4.5 years, since senior year of high school. We went to high school together and then we were long-distance for college. Now we're living together and spend almost all of our time together. It really feels like we're married. I really love the comfort and stability of our relationship. But that giddiness that you were talking about in your last entry, when you're getting to know someone...that's what I feel for AGS. There, now you're all caught up!
from revisions :
i wish people thought i was still 20! heading toward 30 is really starting to show!
from fitzgeraldxx :
It may sound weird but your diary makes me hopeful...
from lost-facade :
Hey, I started reading your earlier entries today [I'm trying to ignore the huge amount of work I have to do], and it was really comforting to know that you felt the same way as I do now, in terms of depression, lacking faith, being lonely etc. I'm not really a Christian anymore, while a lot of my friends are [like, they're getting married at 20... nuts!], so I always feel out of my depth or like an impostor. And I think that uni has brought out the depression in me really bad. Anyway, the point of this is that I'm really glad to know that someone felt the same way as me and turned out okay.
from poolagirl :
Thanks so much for joining What a World. I look forward to reading your entries. I have enjoyed what I read so far! Congrats on the "knock up."
from twsmith23 :
It's interesting to read your perspective of weddings, from someone who has gone through one. Mine are a tad different... I've never been married, but lately i've been going to a ton of weddings. Best friends, ex-girlfriends, semi-acquaintances, been to them all. Despite the pre-tense, supposed perfect-ness, and everything else, to me they are nothing more than a reason to see old friends. I go to weddings not to celebrate the couple, or participate in centuries old traditions. They're an excuse to travel back home and see old friends. That's it really. The details of the wedding don't matter, and fade in time. What is important to me, and i would contend a lot of people, is just the fact of seeing old friends and having fun...
from raven72d :
I just found you... And there are some lovely entries here.
from twsmith23 :
Didn't mean to be harsh if i came across that way. That entry actually struck a chord with me for some reason. A friend of mine has taught me that there are many ways to leave a mark, or be significant, but most of them don't get noticed by more than a couple of people. That doesn't make it any less important or significant to those people...
from twsmith23 :
Does a game show make you important or significant? Some would argue appearing on a game show would make you less important or significant. Being 'famous' or 'noticed' is not a qualification for being significant...
from revisions :
who is pregnant now? i am so out of the loop.
from twsmith23 :
I used to want to die, just because of my curiosity to know what would happen, what came next. It's good (and weird) to hear someone express similiar things...
from lost-facade :
I just went to see a haemotologist to monitor my platelet levels today... he was the creepy stare-in-your-eyes-without-blinking type of doctor. I hate it when they do that, especially when they trap you in a massively long speech. Glad to here that the egg thing seems to be going well for you... despite the fact that I don't really like children, it's a great thing to be doing for others that will really help them.
from twsmith23 :
Happy Birthday. My 27th is next month, and i'm feeling the exact same way you are about it...
from iamnicodemus :
Hmmm, so as a dedicated reader, do I need to take a number or something? :)
from lost-facade :
Oh, you probably want my email address - yippee-doo-dah@hotmail.com
from lost-facade :
Holy crap. I just wrote a message and it totally disappeared before my eyes. Anyway, can I have the password to your diary?
from lost-facade :
I do the exact same thing with phone calls. I always worry that I'll screw something up... so I rehearse it in my head, or write down dot points of the things I have to say.
from revisions :
yes. and i hear you're moving?
from therealme03 :
I stumbled upon your diary about a year and a half ago, and i really love reading it. you seem like such an awesome person. thanks for writing!!
from revisions :
who thought being an adult would be this hard? miss you!
from lost-facade :
I remember seeing an article on thesmokinggun about a teacher who stole and student's jacket and tried to sell it on ebay. She got arrested. Maybe send them a nice threatening letter with a link to the article. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0502072coat1.html
from lost-facade :
The essay? I'm screwed. I still haven't finished it and it's due very very soon. I'm actually more worried about the one I have due a few days after that I haven't really started. I expect tears, the "borrowing" of phrases, no sleep and caffeine will play a large part in writing that one.
from lost-facade :
Maybe it depends on how you conceive what actually happens after death... I don't know. But I think suicide is mainly seen as bad because of the effect that it has on the people that are left behind more than anything.
from lost-facade :
I've been thinking about Paris too. I always thought that she had a great and easy [albeit extremely superficial] life, but it's a sort of fake and emotionless life, delusional in many respects. I'd rather have my exam stress and near-poverty, and have real friends and a personality that I don't have to fake. I don't think reality ever kicked in for her until she had to go back to gaol.
from whtlunalycan :
yes youre still young yes you still have potiental you never stop growing and gaining new experiences and just remember without teachers our world would just plain suck. ~Luna
from revisions :
our RA from sophomore year. i'm going to call you crying too...and then we are going to plan how i can get rid of it. i've been researching natural abortion methods, just in case...how sad is that?!
from rainforme :
thank u! we're hoping for oct 14th, but we have to wait until he checks into his new base. we'll know for sure by june 11th. who says you can't plan a wedding in four months?
from lost-facade :
sapias, vina liques, et spatio brevi spem longam reseces. dum loquimur, fugerit invida aetas: carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero. -Horace Be wise, strain your wine, and with life being short cut back on far-reaching hope. Even as we speak, jealous time flees: seize the day, believe in tomorrow as little as possible. [Fuck it would be good if life were as hedonistic as that.]
from iamnicodemus :
I am literally throwing a party at the end of this semester because I will NEVER HAVE TO DO CALCULUS AGAIN. So, that being said, I feel your pain about the proofs. I describing (in mathematical terms) something that at this point in your education is intuitive is really tough. Good luck, nic
from twsmith23 :
Thanks for the note. Even though i rarely write anymore i still keep up with other's diaries. If you'd like to find me in my other world, it's myspace.com/twsmith23, if not no worries. I mention it on here, but keep dland out of my myspace world... two different realms=) Thanks again for the note and keep up the writing...
from lost-facade :
You know, that's exactly what it's been like for me with God. And when you think about it [for too long], you can't know anything objectively for sure, so all that matters is what you believe you know.
from hibiscus101 :
yay!!:)
from hibiscus101 :
thats just amazing. i was always freaked out by the procedure. a year or so ago i thought about being a donor when I read about it, just because i dont honestly ever see me putting my eggs to use, you know. amazing. your amazing. :) im sure someone will pick ou and be oh so grateful.
from revisions :
wierd! i can read it too!
from revisions :
how am i supposed to deal with you ending your life? i mean, i'm not going to pull out some stupid, trite argument about it - but really - i don't know what i would do.
from fragilegirl8 :
I just came across your diary. The entry about thinking about death, sounds alot like me.
from rainforme :
i'm sort of waiting to see what my sis says after she finds out if the procedure is successful. the agency is required to tell her and she is required to register all her children with the agency so as not to have her donated eggs and her real children ever meet up and mate one day. that's weird huh? she seems so detached from it all, happy to give a couple the chance for a baby, but completely nonchalant that it's coming from her body. i dunno. i suppose if you can do it emotionally, it's definitely worth it.
from revisions :
i told you i would.
from my-replay :
I agree with your war entry. most completely.
from lost-facade :
Yes I was on accutane for eight months (they call it roaccutane here for some reason). That was not fun. I looked like a crazy person trying to avoid the sun all the time, particularly because I had to take it in the middle of summer. It's nice to know that someone else understands.
from lost-facade :
Wow that's actually a pretty good analogy... reminds me of when I went hiking in New Zealand and we got so accustomed to our own stench, that we discovered cleanliness actually has a smell. Eternity... it's probably something beyond our capacity to understand. That's what one of my teachers back in school told me anyway when I asked a similar question - "Wouldn't eternity seem really boring?"
from twsmith23 :
I took a class in college entitled 'Death, Dying, and Tradition'. We studied death in cultures all around the world, from advanced civilizations to tribes in Africa. My father owns three funeral homes. I grew up in a mortuary. Spent summers hanging out there, playing hide and seek in the caskets. Both of which give me a unique perspective. Death to me is not scary. It is not sad, it is not something to be feared. It is natural, a part of life. In death, a person's life should be celebrated, not mourned. Our final project for my class was to plan our own funeral. We had to write our obituary. Write out our will. We had to plan our memorial service, decide what kind of casket we wanted. We had to write letters to three people closest to us for them to read after we died. The project was enlightening. It made me think about my own death. It made it less scary, less threatening. I encourage you, and anyone, at the very least, to embrace and prepare for their death. You fear that which is not familiar. This way, you confront it, plan for it, making it a little less scary...
from dannyboyk2 :
I believe that people "need" religion because they've been raised to rely upon it. It's a pillar (if not THE pillar) supporting many people's worldviews--pull it out, and everything would come crashing down, causing them to rebuild from scratch. That is something I would imagine very few people willlingly wish to do. I, myself, frequently take comfort in my complacency. How about you? I acknoweldge that religion is a(n arguably inevitable) natural outgrowth of humanity, but, from that perspective, so, too, is rape. Does this mean we need rape? If you believe that rape is strictly evil, whereas religion has been utilized for both good and bad, I respond that the bad is outweighing the good.
from revisions :
in my experience, with the death of my husband's dad, the cards didn't mean very much anyway. they were all just thrown away. what meant more was the people who did something and who didn't try to offer some deep advice or answer. the people who just came around and acted like life was normal.
from oktoberfest :
Electronic Press Kit, of course!! May just have to use the full version in a sentence today to impress my german colleagues ;o) The best thing about EPKs is that they are called eeepeekays in german as well (although that's not how you normally say the letters in german), which just sounds ridiculous. Anyway, just had a quick flick through your diary and it looks interesting! I'll be back ;o) Thanks for stopping by!
from rainforme :
you know i completely agree about the politics thing. i am so glad to know there is someone out there who feels the same. selective ignorance, intelligent ignorance... about politics. i sincerely hate politics.
from raven72d :
I just found your journal... The entries are wonderful and intriguing.
from rainforme :
welcome back.
from my-replay :
:)
from revisions :
you should start writing again.
from realsimple :
thanks for the advice...i know it's the best thing to just cut him off. it's been 2 weeks and i have not called him back. so far so good. it was easy at first, but now i'm starting to go through that withdrawal stage...i'm used to talking to him at least once a week and it's been 3 since i've actually seen him and talked to him...grr, i hate this. you would think i'm old enough now to know that this is not healthy for me anymore!
from revisions :
i know what you mean. life is so just busy right now. h's famiily is coming this week for his graduation (yippee freaking yea- note the sarcasm) and i'm in the middle of finals and trying to figure out where to move and when to quit my job. i honestly feel overwhelmed. i just have so many decisions and so many things coming to an end. i can't even write here. i'll try to call this week to catch up.
from dannyboyk2 :
Do you remember arguing with me via email long ago? We were diaryland gods and goddesses then, each commanding a large audience of readers with frequent updates. We were spiteful of each other--you wrote of doing things I didn't approve of, and consequently took you off my buddy list; you retaliated by taking me off yours. A good deal later, we find ourselves leaving diaryland, mostly forgotten, eager to start elsewhere. Despite severely disliking the attitude you presented at diaryland, I continued to read your diary. I imagine it may have been a similar situation for you... Are we that different, Stormie? You write in your final entry that you've changed inside; I'm willing to take your word on it. Wherever you go, however, will you change on the outside at well? Because when I read your final entry, I see, "One will care and another will notice." I find such narrow-minded dismissive assumptions distasteful, and I never even learned your name.
from realsimple :
i'm sad to see you leave...i enjoy reading your entries...hope you continue to pop in every now and again w/ a new entry...
from rainforme :
i've been feeling the same way lately... i used to view my diary as a work of art in a way, lately it just seems to be venting and pointless in a sense. i will miss you if you leave, i still read.
from revisions :
likely so, yes. i'll call you and we'll talk about it.
from revisions :
i'm sorry.
from rainforme :
yep, in germany with the fam. tell her i say hello!
from hibiscus101 :
i disagree. I think you can be anything you want if you put yoru mind to it and work hard and blah blah blah. the key point they forget to tell you, it doesnt mean what you want to be is a)what you should be or b) something that will make you happy. :)
from revisions :
thanks. i will be home all night. living my exciting life of reading umberto eco.
from rainforme :
well, thanks, haha... i look forward to reading it.
from realsimple :
thanks for the note about your experience. i always enjoy hearing other peoples stories about how they ended up w/ the person they married. i'm not sure what's going to happend w/ my situation...it doesn't help the fact that we are in different cities at the moment. though that will be changing in a couple months...only time will tell i guess. :)
from dannyboyk2 :
Well, your 400th entry was pretty cool, but... can it really compare to mine? [March 10, 2004] Haha... :-D Congratulations.
from dannyboyk2 :
Looking back upon your 4.5 years here at d-land, spanning 400 entries, you acknowledge that you've changed, grown, and learned. You've been moved and done some moving, yourself. You've reacted and influenced. You've taken and given. Take that and apply it to your previous entry. Mm... life.
from rainforme :
thank you so much. we do need to get together. it sucks that i will be gone for revisions trip out to cali this time around. well, just know, you guys are both invited to the wedding wherever and whenever it happens. :) loved your last entry, i absolutely agree and i can definitely say, it's been a pleasure sharing it all with you.
from my-replay :
hey, I've added you as a favorite. i've read a lot of your entries.. and I feel like you get out some of the things that I've been dealing with but could never really put my fingers on.
from revisions :
i'm just afraid it would be wierd. remember freshmen year when we were each trying to define ourselves and trying to have separate groups of friends -- and then i started haning out with your friends and it was wierd? i'm afraid that it would be like that again. that i would be crowding in on your life or something. you know, making your friends my friends and stuf.... i'm just nervous...
from realsimple :
you know what's weird, i just read your poem and i completely understand...though i can not exactly explain it, but i know what you mean.
from revisions :
i wish we talked more, you know?
from dannyboyk2 :
(re:12-01-05)You wrote a purgative poem, trying to get honesty out in the open. Do you worry about whether it is for you or for us? Does your seeming lack of identity (online and "irl") bother you? ****next thought**** You write about, among many things, trying to understand yourself by understanding how others perceive you. If someone else posted a similar poem on his or her webdiary would you put any effort into reading/understanding it?
from dannyboyk2 :
I'm going to read it again now.
from dannyboyk2 :
(Re: 11-23-05) Beautiful. I sighed and shivered a little.
from dannyboyk2 :
After unsuccessfully attempting to write several responses to you, on several related subjects, I concluded that I’d like to define friendship before I advance on this topic further. I think. How would you describe the separation between friendship and dating?
from rainforme :
is it really so simple? just to find a direction and stick with it? i suppose i'll see it that way someday, when i'm not going a million places at once.
from dannyboyk2 :
"I'm no longer directionless. but only cause I finally chose a direction and decided to stick with it. sometimes I wonder if I chose right - or if there was even a right or wrong choice to have been made." I found it strange that you still find absolutes problematic... then I got to the second to last paragraph. It's strange; I find myself simultaneously attracted to and repulsed by your perception of yourself. Hmm.
from dannyboyk2 :
Never mind; I spoke too soon.
from dannyboyk2 :
I don't seem to come across any of these advertisements when I'm logged in. It should probably be noted, however, that I have a supergold account.
from rainforme :
thanks for the note...
from revisions :
it is a wierd day and a wierd feeling. suddenly you're someone new, but then again you are always the same. sometimes when i'm alone i sign my old name, just so i won't forget.
from rainforme :
it's weird... maybe it's the larger gap in age between me and my sis, but it's sort of the same thing, but not. she's younger, thinner, more accomplished, always more popular and overall just more cool, a virgin, good girl, etc... but all i ever feel is proud of her, not jealous. i feel you in a way, but at the same time i don't understand the competition. shouldn't it be a happy time for both of you?
from dannyboyk2 :
After reading your most recent two entries (10/18/05 & 10/20/05) I'm still having a hard time understanding your feelings on your sister's engagement. Then again, you yourself write, "why is this bothering me so much?"
from revisions :
are you kidding? wow! i saw him on campus yesterday and had no idea. why can't they wait until the spring? they aren't getting married for whole year? your wedding was wonderful and you looked beautiful, so don't let stupid people make you feel bad.
from revisions :
i seriously don't know. the connection seems to be that non-profits are run by housewives turned executives who essentially are lost in the chaos and rule by micromanagement and fear. i feel completely disrepected and devalued at this job. i could do amazing things for this agency, and i'm not given the time of day. i've worked out project proposals and outlines and suggestions...four weeks late she still has not bothered to look at them - even with constant reminders from me. i just wonder why i waste 30 hours a week at a place that doesn't need me when i could be making more money waiting tables and have more free time...
from rainforme :
he was my roommate's close friend and such a nice guy. death is definitely weird. yeah, it was the cbest and the easiest test i've taken in my life. not sure how to feel about that, seeing as how it's the first determiner in allowing someone to teach. hmm.
from dannyboyk2 :
Re10/05/05: You write, "I don't even want to read people's diaries if they are married. why? because they are boring. all they talk about is him or her." I disagree. People chose what they want the world to know about in their public webdiaries. For example, I'm dating someone, but I hardly ever write about my relationship in my webdiary (I can't recall the last time I did, actually..). Revisions is married and I don't think I've read that many entries from her about her marriage/relationship with her husband. Actually, it was you who chose to write, among other things, about the trials of dating, your thoughts on losing your virginity, and the details about your approaching wedding. *shrug* I think that people write about what is important to them, individually. If you feel that all married people inevitably write about nothing more than gossip-esque dribble concerning their spouses... maybe that's what you fear writing? Maybe it's what you chose to read in others' webdiaries? This is starting to sound like a Freudian conspiracy... call the thought police! Okay, all jesting aside, I hold to the notion that people will think about, and write about if they are so inclined, what is important to them.
from iamnicodemus :
Marriage is just one more "thing" in life..... it is what you make it. Just don't make it boring and you will be golden. :)
from revisions :
hey i'm not boring and neither is my diary!
from dannyboyk2 :
Weird, indeed. Have fun and enjoy the sex. :-P ;-)
from dannyboyk2 :
So you're married now?
from revisions :
you know..i don't think you should feel wierd about it. this is all part of the package. i have dreams or thoughts about ex-boyfriend periodically and somtimes wonder.."what if?" so you seem normal to me...for what that's worth :)
from dannyboyk2 :
I found an entry of mine that makes reference to zits: http://dannyboyk2.diaryland.com/050110_77.html Then, I found an even better entry by justin winokur concerning zits: http://jwinokur.diaryland.com/020110_50.html Each argues a different perspective, and, uhh, actually justin's isn't on-topic at all, but still, the point is that girls with pimples are awesome! Regardless of the point that we disagree on virtually every topic ever conceived, I'd _still_ probably think you looked very cute even with your pimples. So there. :-P
from revisions :
i don't think you should feel like you "made" me feel that way. i just think it is a part of weddings that people have to work out. don't let this be another thing that stresses you. we are fine and your big day is going to be great. btw, i finished the harry potter book. we have lots to talk about!
from rainforme :
i went to hang out in nh with a guy i met on diaryland and his friends. awesome trip. hey... soon-to-be-married-lady... you're doing it, you know? you found love and even with storms and zits and all, i'm envious and very happy for you. enjoy the wedding night. ;)
from revisions :
and the entry about the zits...don't sweat it. i'm jealous of you actually and wish to be as thin....
from revisions :
see new entry for clarification :)
from dannyboyk2 :
Doubters can still be Christians. Likewise, nonbelievers can still hold many of the central tenets of Jesus. I wrote in my last note that I place value in my thoughts, beliefs, and actions. I should note that I don't always hold each of these equal. A belief in Jesus as God means less to me than a good deed carried out in his name. I'm not sure there's any formula that can be applied to each thought/belief or action to determine its worth (Kant made a noteworthy effort towards such a formula, but it was so... arid and devoid of humanity). Regardless, the point I want to make is that your fiancé and you are more than your beliefs in God, or lack thereof, and the titles you thereby carry. Your beliefs in God can form a significant part of your life, if you chose to let them. They are not, and will never be, a summary of you.
from dannyboyk2 :
Anorectics are often recommended to discard their scales so that they can’t weigh themselves. In a similar fashion I could recommend that you do away with your mirror. I personally disagree with this entire philosophy, however. My mom regularly makes suggestions about acne medications or treatments to me. Perhaps she looks at the acne that resides on my face, neck, back, chest, arms, etc. with worry. I imagine that she worries others will think less of me when they see my bodily blemishes; perhaps they will. I don’t think less of myself because I have acne; I place more value in my thoughts, beliefs, and actions—things more under my control than my appearance and way others react to it. And besides, I didn’t figure you’d really throw our your mirror anyway. :-)
from jaykay617 :
Best wishes on getting married! I'm sure it's surreal to think that it's only 7 days away! I certainly can't wait until I'm counting down in days (instead of months and weeks)! Good luck!
from dannyboyk2 :
Will you consider posting photos from your wedding?
from rainforme :
amen. fucking politics... blegh!
from rainforme :
i teared up a little with that beach entry. very endearing and sweet.
from dannyboyk2 :
Remember in January when we argued philosophy/religion via email and I said that I would write an entry explaining my views on religion, right-thinking mindsets, and etc.? You can now find that entry at my diary (08-30-05); it's among the others on my bed.
from dannyboyk2 :
I'd definitely be interested in seeing any photographs you posted. In my most recent photo entry (8-28-05), the two people portrayed are my younger brother john, and my girlfriend, jess. Thanks for your compliment.
from rainforme :
i'm jealous!! did you have to have edu units to get that job?
from jaykay617 :
You're welcome for the add and I'm glad you didn't mind my few comments about an entry of yours recently! I'm sure you're definitely counting down the days until you get married and you have the whole planning thing out of the way. Even though I have about 10 months left, I'm still counting down!! Well, thanks again!
from jaykay617 :
Hi. I came across your diary through the engaged diaryring and as I read your entries, I related to a lot of the things you talked about or that you've experienced (especially the whole virginity topic). I also like the way you "write" and how you explain things. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to add you as a favorite. Have a great day!
from dannyboyk2 :
I realize this is old news by now, but, yes, it was me, yes, I was illustrating a religious point at the time when I wrote it, and yes, you successfully took it and made it your own in an entirely appropriate and suitable way. Though I'm not a girl, and can't ever fully understand what you're feeling, I might be able to describe myself as "one of those guys." I understand satiation; I understand comfort in contentment. I understand, and I wish you all the best.
from rainforme :
haha... except LA = NO WAY. ;) imagine the commute!
from inthepresent :
exactly.
from dannyboyk2 :
Hi, stormie. I read your entry on VSL, and briefly browsed the site your entry linked to. While I do not know you well enough to absolutely confirm that you are a visual-spatial learner, I'll not deny that it sounds plausible. After reviewing the comparitive chart/list displayed there, I felt as though the PhD was really suggesting that VS individuals were superior learners, but perhaps she was simply arguing for their recognition in the educational world... Finally, I struggled to see how "Learns by trial and error" and "Learns concepts all at once" were correlative. I had difficulty seeing alternatives to trial and error in many situations, but perhaps I'm just too auditory-sequential for my own good.
from revisions :
hey, i can't get my email to work now, but i wanted to tell you that i love you and i miss you so much. i hope that wedding planning is going well and i am so sorry that i cannot be there to help you.
from rainforme :
i've never thought you've ever rubbed anything in anyone's face... so let's get that out of the way. i suppose what it comes down to... meeting someone who will ground me. if i met someone worth it, i would settle. and yes, it seems kind of weird to have a diary nowadays. but i don't know how to stop. i'm glad to read you. cool to see people in the same place as me, but with such different surroundings. take care. ps - did revisions arrive safely?
from inthepresent :
That doesn't sound weird at all. In fact, I want to thank you for having the desire to go into teaching and make a positive impact. As a first-year teacher though, I've had to block out a lot of negativity and pessimism myself. But once you get in the classroom with your students, you have so much freedom. You'll definitely have other people trying to tell you what you should teach and what you shouldn't, but as long as you have the courage to teach what you believe in, you'll be happy, and so will your students. I love teaching, and I love my students, but I've also sacrificed a lot for both. Thanks again for the note...
from rainforme :
of course it makes sense... i hope i can find it one day.
from rainforme :
i wrote one too... fun times.
from revisions :
you know, i think you should update the sex and virginity essay...not that you don't have other things to do, but i think it is time for a new perspective on that one.
from alivetoyou :
hi... thanks for reading. I just read your most recent entry (about the car wash) and it made me smile. it is good to find out others are feeling the same way i am. thanks =)
from fredthebear :
I have a church recamendation for you. though it is catholic, which may not be your thing, i recamend going to loyola maramount university or college or whatever. its a jesuit school, and the jesuits know how to think and believe. I go to a Jesuit school, and I always look foreward to mass. give it a try
from revisions :
ha ha ha - the circle of life promoting pedafilia...oh i remember...
from inthepresent :
There is a certain amount of selfishness and egoism in everything we do. But it does seem like there's even more when it comes to romance. At this point in my life, I'm much more satisfied giving my love and energy to the 150 students I have than to just one romantic interest. This may change later on, who knows? Thank you for the response...
from rainforme :
don't let this work thing get you down, though i am exactly the same way. one mistake totally overrules the millions of correct things you've done. anyway... yeah, coachella. i didn't have the funds for both nights, so i am missing NIN and Bright Eyes, but with Wilco, Coldplay and Snow Patrol last night... well, there was no competition. i would have loved to go to that v-fest thing. umm, i hope you get fired? hah.
from dannyboyk2 :
Your reasons to get married sound solid enough--to add my two cents, I say go for it, if it's what you want.
from revisions :
you know, some "scientists" are claiming that it is actually a four-year itch! ha ha ha!!
from rainforme :
i read you. and it's not boring. it's cool to know you're not all deep and insightful at all times, makes me feel better. ;) hope work gets... better?
from revisions :
don't stop writing!! you're never on im and this is the only way i get to keep up with your life...
from revisions :
supposed to have that this week...we'll see - don't think i am, but the paranoia is always there...
from revisions :
yeah it is cute....it looks almost exactly like i had it in high school when it was short. i'll tried to manage a picture for you...
from why-oh-why :
first off, congratulations on your engagement! thats awesome and i'm happy for you. i've enjoyed reading your entries on being in love; its inspiring for the rest of us... i also wanted to say thanks for the note. i've been meaning to talk to others about how they've handled it, so your note helped out. i've been thinking more about being that way, just avoiding it the best i can. i have such a hard time not being straight forward w/ people, but it does seem better than the other options in many cases. anyway, as always, i appreciate your input.
from revisions :
if you get married in vegas without me, i'm going to f***ing kill you...
from fredthebear :
you go girl
from rainforme :
please update your diary about the proposal... let me sigh and make gushy girl noises. i'm happy for you.
from rainforme :
it's the triple-r club... rainforme, realthoughts, revisions. ;) i enjoy your diary as well. cheers.
from revisions :
i know what you mean...i feel like i am on the other side of my epistemic crisis sometimes, now i am just dealing with my religious one...
from dannyboyk2 :
Yes.
from dannyboyk2 :
I understand that this may be difficult to do, but can you clarify what you wrote/meant in the most recent note you left me concerning "being right?" I'm not sure I fully understood it....
from revisions :
by the way, have you realized that if you take the nihilist position, you can't believe you are right??? according to nihilism...nothing is right or wrong.... :)
from rainforme :
a long time ago i made a new friend because of you (he linked to me from u) and we have been good friends since... revisions linked to me recently and i saw your diary and it reminded me of it. so, thanks for that. great writing, by the way, i appreciate your insight.
from mellieemo :
hi, i just found your diary. it was scary to read some things because i feel that we wrote basically the same stuff. i, too, am on unemployment and scared out of my mind. in addition, i've also written about how strange it is to go 'home' since i've moved away and aged a couple yrs. the two things i've felt the most alone about, and here i come across your diary. :) i don't really agree with your thoughts on vegetarianism, but then i'm not the type to cram my opinions down people's throats. so i think we could get along. i'm going back to read some more of your stuff. :)
from realthoughts :
p.s. I still love you and you're still my best friend, though...
from realthoughts :
dear revisions: you only hate me because I'm right. :)
from revisions :
seriously, i freaking hate you!
from fredthebear :
I meant read that, not see it.
from fredthebear :
Perhaps it will help your understanding of your friend's decision to not eat meat if you consider it from the perspective that she no longer wants to contribute to the mistreatment of animals. She doesn't claim to be able to save all anaimals, but at least she doesn't have to be a part of the problem. (See Henry David Thoreau's Civil Disobediance.)
from iamnicodemus :
I too have ventured into the world of writing about mushy stuff on my diary as of late. I don't think that you should worry about it too much, it is your diary to do whatever you want with. Who cares if people think you are deep or not? You are just you...plain and simple. Good to know you found somebody that brightens your days.
from compclass :
Hey you seem cool, keep writing!! ♥
from why-oh-why :
thanks for the note. i was in need of a little sympathy. plus, it helps me to know of others that have gone through the same thing and made it through. makes it seem a little less insurmountable. also, as you might have guessed, i'm happy to see you back in here writing again.
from fredthebear :
What a thrill to see that you've returned to writing. I've been a little deficient in making entries, but you're return has reinvigorated me. Hoorah!
from fredthebear :
I saw a commercial for the television series "Simple Life 2: This Time its Personal" (I added that last part) It appeared to be a program of the highest qualities, with the skill of the production assistants shining through above all.
from primessa :
Hey... where did the idea of god come from? I've asked that myself... and this is what I came up with; It's in fact perception of mystery. The stone age was covered with drawings of obscure thoughts of life. How man was in awe of the world when he had no clue of how it worked or grew. Maybe because of boredom (I doubt it) or maybe because of imagination, strange stories (theories) came to be Hisstory..... cuz who knows, humanity could never create anything like it (life), no matter how hard we try. Happy accidents? The stories got more layered and diverse. But, itsnt it always the same old stuff.
from fredthebear :
Thank you very much for your message, and for your generous comments on your profile. I've always thought highly of your diary, and I'm glad you enjoy mine. I think its interesting that you think we have similar thoughts. When I read some of your older entries, I noted how much I felt we thought differently, on some things at least. I'd like to talk to you more about it. If you're interested, my email is 07_kdonohue@stagweb.fairfield.edu and my aim name is kdukied. Anyway, thanks again for your approval, and thanks for your fantastic entries.
from revisions :
so you update your diary instead of call! wtf!
from why-oh-why :
Thanks for letting me know you liked my last entry, and for the comments. Interesting how we're often going through the same types of things... It was nice to know that you can relate to me because sometimes i feel kind of alone in some of my struggles... i definitely agree with you about this age being hard and how that probably plays a part in the lack of love problem. so thanks again for the note you gave me; it lifted my spirits. it was also cool to see that you listen to pedro the lion as well.
from feesticka :
I liked your entry about how the real world sucks, I'd have to agree with you on that. My office job wears on me too.
from the-la-story :
Hi, thanks for the note! I looked at some of your entries and I sent you an email. I liked your essays especially. I am of course thinking about the same kind of stuff, all this on-the-brink-of-life contemplation :) Hope you're having better luck with LA than I am :p
from musicguy :
Sorry I've been a bit late in my response; I changed my email address and didn't think of updating my d-land account because I abandoned it completely a few months ago. You're absolutely welcome for the music reccomendation. If you like Wilco, check out the Counting Crows (yes, I am fully aware that they are much more popular ;-P) and the Eels, they're pretty good too. Rock on.
from delongpred :
I just wanted to thank you for the compliment. I don't feel "amazingly cool" most of the time, but reading that made me feel it long enough to grant myself a smile. Thanks again. I enjoy your diary, by the way. Written quite beautifully.
from why-oh-why :
Hey, thanks for the book suggestion (siddhartha, by herman hesse). I've actually already read that one and truly enjoyed it. They made us read it in highschool and I remember being so amazed that they finally gave us a book that I really enjoyed. It made a pretty big impact on me too. It made me all the more adamant in my quest for peace and meaning, so I can see why you liked it. I still think back to it from time to time. I'll probably end up reading it again at some point. I wish I had some book suggestions for you but unfortunately my reading life has been sort of neglected lately. I need to change that... anyways, thanks again for the book suggestion, and keep them coming.
from revisions :
let's stay 22 forever.....
from starrynites7 :
Hey I saw that you wanted some music suggestions.. check out my profile I've got a ton!
from revisions :
hot hot heat is fun.... personally i like the name because you can mumble it and it sounds cool... hoh hoh heah k
from dannyboyk2 :
Thank you very much for adding "judgmental" to your list of favorites; it means a lot to me. I found it a very difficult entry to write; not only because I don't normally use such a narrative style, but primarily because the entire affair had such an intense impact upon me. I still don't know what I think about it...
from bluespot234 :
Hey I just ran across your diary, it's cool how you can describe things so well. Your a really good writer. and I understand how it's hard to let your feelings out in the open, I sometimes am really glad that nobody that lives near me knows about my diary.
from revisions :
well the main reason that i joined the philosophers diaryring is because i want to be popular above and beyond anything else in life. you know me right??? i think i am catching your famous "growing tired of thinking" syndrome. any recommendations??
from keeds :
i read your diary.
from musicguy :
I reccomed praying. When I was feeling depressed about a girl accross the country not being absolutely perfect for me, I said a prayer and then found your site, which led me to Diaryland, where I found Christine. The two of us are extremely happy together and planning on getting married when we grow up. Bottom line is... God will hear your prayers and answer them in ways that you'd never expect at times when you are off guard... but they will be answered.
from musicguy :
Hi. I'd just like to thank you sincerely for having a diary on diaryland. Seeing yours caused me to start my own... and through this diary I have met many wonderful people... including my current girlfriend, Christine (dreaminblack). She is like me in so many ways, and without your account we never would have met. -Sam USERNAME: agaetis PASSWORD: byrjun
from freakystump :
Hi. Was just browsing and came across your diary. Just wanted to let you know that it was an interesting read. Don't feel bad about smoking weed, everyone makes mistakes! :) Later. Janice.
from achiever :
Hey sweetheart..sorry its been soooo long. *smiles* I miss you. Okay..long story short :) I get married tomorrow at 2pm. Im in love and she's in love with me. No doubts whatsoever. *smiles* and the angels sing. Many, many changes in my life and apparently in yours as well..we have alot of catching up to do since we last spoke..you were leaving for camp then...gosh... I do miss you...honestly do. You're in my prayers, sweetheart. Loial_One@yahoo.com Drop me a line. ~Grant
from is-this-me :
I have just sat and read your whole journal. I am a 27 yr. old who knows just how you are feeling. I have been recently told that I have manic depression, otherwise known as bipolar. I have so much to comment on and not enough space in this box to leave it and don't know an email address on where to send anymore comments, please contact me and I will email you. voiceofsweetness@yahoo.com
from ravendark :
Hi, whats up? I stumbled onto your diary a few days ago. (I was surfing an coincidentally came on your page) So how are you doing? I hope you are more happy than sometimes in your diary :) B.t.w I really liked your diary. Some of the things you said made a lot of sense to me. Bye, and maybe I will hear again from you!

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