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No judgement here! We are all on our own journey and when it comes to weight loss it's brutal! I'm on OZ cause I'm diabetic but unlike the stars I am not losing weight. I maintain and my doctor likes my numbers but I also want weight loss dang it lol. You got this! One day at a time!

from warpednormal :

So sorry for your loss, i'm glad it was a touching ceremony for him. And good luck to your health journey- you got this. one day at a time, until it becomes your life!

from curious-me :

I'm just catching up on dland and saw your entry - I am so very sorry for your and Nick's loss. Losing someone is hard but someone so young is heart breaking

from warpednormal :

I am SO sorry this happened. Hope you and your family can take care.

from curious-me :

Happy be-lated birthday! It sounds like you had a very tasty birthday lol!

from curious-me :

Isn't it crazy how fast 20 years go by?? I love and cringe reading my really early entries! But I am SO glad I have them. I really should get my butt in gear and try and save them - I've even been told how - but I am just so dang good at procrastinating!

from browndamask :

congrats on 20!

from swordfern :

Happy D-land anniversary!!!

from orangepeeler :

May. 29, 2023: Happy anniversary!

from curious-me :

3/12/23 - I am left handed or wrong handed as my husband loves to joke lol

from bliss-sad :

RIP Spooky; what a beautiful message to send, though.

from swordfern :

Congrats on the raise! What a big jump in pay! I'm always glad to hear of people who work in the school systems getting compensated fairly for their contribution to society.

from curious-me :

cha-ching! congrats on the raise! best summer ever!!!

from curious-me :

I can't seem to cut the cord to d-land yet but the other place I am signed up at is called Prosebox. I am horrible at navigating new places so who knows when I will make the leap over.....when I'm pushed? LOL

from blueisnotred :

Your entry struck a chord- I was on birth control pills a few years ago and never attributed it to my lack of libido. Until I came off them, and wow. Everything changed, even physical side effects I didn't know were caused by the pill were gone. Maybe coming off them might help you too.

from swordfern :

Happy Birthday in advance!

from swordfern :

I get the sense that you are lacking purpose in life. Having kids is a common life purpose. It's not easy to take a different path in life. Ultimately, though, we all need fulfillment. What are your goals, dreams, and desires? Per Mary Oliver: "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

from swordfern :

Your entry regarding children is heartbreaking. I can see the deep conflict that exists within you, and it must be so hard to reconcile all of the facts and contradictory desires. There is no easy solution here. I see you.

from curious-me :

3/29/21 - I sent you an email - just in case it went to the junk folder like so many of my emails end up

from curious-me :

We've all had those days - and yup hormones suck lol. Losing weight is HARD. I finally started with the med I'm on - it's for diabetes but apparently it's just been approved as a 'weight loss' drug for everyone. Wicked side affects tho for most people. Just a thought. Better than surgery I would think?

from swordfern :

This diary is a place for you to vent. It's healthy to express your feelings and emotions. I don't think that you need to feel guilty for that. Being honest and letting everything out is cathartic. I think that we work through a lot by writing. Maybe it's just the act of writing that helps, and maybe there are times when you discover something about yourself, and maybe there are times when you realize that you can make a change. If you lived in my city, I'd love to meet up with you for a coffee. Nick is so lucky to have you.

from swordfern :

Ugh, OK, well, that's all you can do. It's a tough situation, and it's clear that you pull a lot of the weight in the relationship. It's no wonder you're feeling worn down and frustrated. xoxo

from swordfern :

I think that it's important to have time on your own in a relationship. Would you be able to have a conversation with him about your need for alone time to refresh and be a better partner? It's exhausting to be around someone 24/7 even if you REALLY like them.

from swordfern :

Glad to hear that your holidays went well after that big blow out! Happy New Year!

from curious-me :

I'm sorry to read what you are going thru. For what it's worth you don't sound like a bad person. You sound like you are unhappy. I hope you are doing ok and that things work out in a way that makes YOU happy. Take care.

from swordfern :

Truly bad people don't care or know that they are bad. You are not a bad person. Your reactions to his continued aggression seem natural and frankly warranted as self-protection. I hope that you can be gentle with yourself. Your reactions are a result of a highly stressful situation and do not affect your worth as a human being.

from curious-me :

that is one cute kitty! I hope it worked out.

from curious-me :

Just adding my two cents on taking those trips - I say DO it! Life is so damn short and as I like to say to all my friends YOLO - you only live once! If you can afford the time off and the cost go for it! And yay for updating!

from curious-me :

Happy d-land anniversary! It's so strange to go back and read your earlier entries - most times it makes me laugh at myself!

from curious-me :

Happy almost wedding day!! Enjoy your wedding day - concentrate on your special day and all the love that is flowing around you!

from dangerspouse :

Happy birthday! Er...I guess. I mean, that was really a dolorous account of it. Still, I wish you the best and hope you have many more. I also hope you come to realize your own self worth, whatever weight you happen to be at. Maybe if you felt like you were worth it you would be more assertive about your relationship needs. Lowering your eyes and not protesting when your potential life partner and the future father of your children excoriates you for wanting more quality time with him does not seem like a recipe for Happily Ever After. Just my stupid unasked-for 2-cents. Good luck to you, really.

from curious-me :

Congratulations on your engagement!!! I was going to send you a note when you wrote about your weight loss (congrats on that too!) but I haven't been on dland lately. If you can you should post a pic of your beautiful ring!

from dangerspouse :

Hey, thanks for taking the time to leave a detailed note back! Very nice of you :) Man, I'm glad that stupid hurricane petered out also. Here in northern NJ we got (and still have, as I type this) a steady rain, but that was it. Nothing like the Carolinas, thank god. Glad to hear you learned how to use a whisk in the last 10 years!! Lol, I'm very proud of you, Young Jedi. I adore cooking, and have a Pinterest page dedicated to it too....even though I do Pinterest wrong (as my wife constantly, loudly, reminds me). I put up little cooking tutorials and pics of stuff I've made, but put up every step as a seperate pin because I didn't know any better when I started and I refuse to change now. Drives her CRAZY because it floods her front page with seperate pins every time I post, but she doesn't feel she can stop following me out of wifely obligation. Silly woman! Oh well, I never told her being married to me would be easy. Hang in there kiddo, and thanks again :)

from dangerspouse :

I've been reading your diary for a bit now, and I'm curious to know if you ever learned how to cook (or had any desire to)? In an early entry you mentioned you could not cook to save your life, but you were only about 14 when you wrote that if I recall. Has that changed since? (Batten down the hatches! Joaquin's coming!! Lol...good luck. Hope it's not another Sandy, or even Irene. I can't afford to put another roof on again!)

from lostasyou :

Hey thank you! I remember you mentioned this to me before.. I doubt it would work with such small bunch of people reading this but it may be worth a try, aye?

from dangerspouse :

If N doesn't want kids because he's afraid they'll have a tumultuous upbringing, and he also is of the opinion that you become a different (and not in a better way) person when you drink...maybe you should keep the cork in the bottle for a while and kill 2 birds with one stone. Perhaps his fears will be allayed about both matters, and you can move forward down the path you desire. I know it's probably not that simple, but it's all I got. Good luck :)

from curious-me :

Yup I totally get the eating 'healthy' entry. It's hard. But as I figure it - as long as we keep trying one of these times it will work & won't that be an awesome surprise! Good luck (for both of us!)

from dangerspouse :

What a sad, sad entry.

from stepfordtart :

That show makes my toes curl.230? Really? You dont look it. s x

from hexes :

congrats on the interview!

from curious-me :

wow - I'm glad you are okay! I've only taken the heavy drugs when I've been sick so thankfully they just dulled the pain and knocked me on my ass so I slept!

from curious-me :

Yah I'm crazy like that - I like to know the backstory when I'm reading a diary - although I did skim a lot of the school ones cause it brought back too many bad memories - TESTS - LOL

from curious-me :

Hello. I came across your diary and just finished reading the archives. I'm glad you had a good V-day after all with N! I've added you to my 'buddy list' so I look forward to reading more! Take care.

from lostasyou :

Haha! Yeah I don't post much these days so it'll be a long while to wait.. and sure, but I am rarely on there either. Mainly I post things on Instagram or Twitter. But go ahead x

from nutmegger :

Congrats on graduating and good luck in 2014. Deep down I think you know what you want and how to get it. I think you are on the way!

from movingsands :

ah no offense taken. She got up on her feet and it's all good now. But definitely a cautionary tale. Good to know it is not your case :)

from movingsands :

Ach, sorry if I coming on too strong >_> It's just that I saw the same happen with my mother and it sucks. It not only held her back- personally, emotionally, mentally- it hurt everyone around her as well.*sigh* just thought I'd share the life lesson :)

from movingsands :

No matter what, you should never, ever think you are stuck with someone. Ever! Do not fall on that trap. Enjoy him, enjoy what you have. But if down the road you feel, that's it, it has been enough, then move on. Or else it's like that saying, beating a dead cow? or something. Pff terrible saying. Nevermind the saying lol. But seriously, relationships are meant for two. And if either of you are not feeling it. It won't work.

from lostasyou :

Hahahahah how Hitchcock. I am honoured to have starred in your dream.

from lostasyou :

That is so touching, honestly! I mostly think I just ramble on about crap. Reading back on some stuff is difficult for me so I don't tend to bother anymore hah but thank you!!

from lostasyou :

Oh wow really? That is so nice! What is so interesting about my life though? The past especially is quite the mess hahahha. That's so cool you had a dream about the horror obsession.. what happened? Hope you've had a lovely festive few days xx

from portlypete :

Since most people don't have your tenacity (how many years?!?) and left loooong ago, I'm searching out new and interesting diaries. Well, you happened to be in the "Recent public entries" list so it seemed rude not to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! With added credits for having the very best sort of bf - the one you always yearned after and never, in your wildest dreams, thought you'd have. I really hope he lives up to expectations. ... moving on ... p.s. OK, you were third from bottom on the list, so I have a few more to read through - still, I wish you joy. :-)

from lostasyou :

Hey, sorry I didn't reply straight away. Thank you so much for your note. Means a lot. And I've read that poem somewhere before! It's really sweet, let's hope it happens, aye? xo

from stepfordtart :

Happy blogoversary! s x

from lostasyou :

Haha, wheeey!

from loveherwell :

"Sure, I've got some extra weight on me, but it's not a lot by any means. There are way bigger people than me out there who have significant others. All of this just makes me conclude that there must be something wrong with me, something that makes me unloveable and unwantable." i feel that.

from stepfordtart :

Have your 'alone time' anyway, and make it NOISY. The little bastards can either sit and listen or go the fuck out! s x

from dangerspouse :

Your diary has been so sad for so long. Do you still wonder about dinosaurs?

from lostasyou :

Thank you :) xx

from stepfordtart :

We always want the stuff that is bad for us, whether it be a man, or a pair of high heels or a big cake! Pining after a bad boy is no big deal, you can still do that and date your lovely Marine - kind of like looking wistfully at a pop-tart with a dollop of coolwhip even though you know the fruit salad is by far the better option!

from stepfordtart :

Yay! Go girl! s x

from happyone :

thanks for the comments! I didn't know people actually read this thing, but since it is on a public website, I guess that makes sense. The support means a lot! :D

from zoela :

just found your diary. there is nothing wrong with you! he is the one with the problem! don't settle for a douchey arrangement. demand more from someone better who deserves you.

from lostasyou :

I don't think there is anything wrong with you :)

from lonesome1 :

Hello there! I just read several of your entries and thought I'd leave you a quick note to say that I enjoyed reading them :) Your latest entry, where you wrote "not all guys want to be with a flesh bag of bones", is dead right. The model in the picture is indeed beautiful and far, far sexier than the stick-thin models we usually see. Be happy with who you are and I hope 2012 brings you what you wish for :)

from stepfordtart :

OHMYGOODNESS! I just read that entry where you hid in the 'feminine products' aisle to escape the Mexican man. I laughed so much that I had to read it out to my daughters and we are ALL going to steal that as a most excellent avoidance technique! s x

from stepfordtart :

Hello! 3 things: 1. There TOTALLY is someone for you out there. Why would there not be? 2. Enormous amounts of congratulations on your academic success - roll on gradschool! And 3. 180lbs doesnt actually seem like that much - cuddlesome? yeh, maybe, but we're not talking "take the side off my house and winch me onto The Jerry Springer Show", are we? I shall add you to my faves so I can catch up on some archives, if thats OK. s x

from catsoul :

I really like your entry about living so long ago. I think about that also. Did you ever read Jean Auel's books, I think that is the author's name. She wrote, "Clan of the Cave Bear," and "Valley of the Horses." She did alot of research, it took her years to write those books. She did a whole series about the life of the young girl to adulthood in prehistoric times. =^..^=

from elliestuff :

Yeah! You did good with a yard sale. That never happens for me.

from leesmry :

Sounds like you had a fab time...but the poor bear!!!! That is the saddest thing I ever heard :-( Glad you updated again :-)

from leesmry :

I loved your name so I just had to read - and I'm glad I did! You are a lovely happy one and I too am in awe of Christina...she rocks, oooh and fudge brownie ice cream...yummy!!!

from youfoundme :

Everyone and their mother has a myspace. I don't have one. I think people take it a bit too far. There's a bunch of cases in the news about sex offenders and how myspace is such a target. I think it's fine if it's minimal and basic, but to give out your phone number on your notes and such is not a very smart idea. I mean, I wouldn't give out my address on diaryland, or on any other online web journal. As long as things are kept to a minmal, I think it's alright though. But anywho, I'm back on diaryland once again, so catch up when you can. Have a good one!

from youfoundme :

Yeah, I know, only 3 more months to go! Just hang in there. It normally goes by fast anyway. Have fun!

from true-emtions :

well thanks i love her with all my heart alot of black people dont listen to her but she holds alot of sayings that seem so true about alot of situations that i have seen myself in thanks have a great day

from youfoundme :

Hello there! I haven't forgotten my diary, I've actually been thinking about it a lot, and I finally got a chance tonight to sit down and write out what I was thinking. I've missed it, and I'll be writing a lot more once I get back into the mundane routine of school again. That date DOES sound a bit awkward, but maybe it was his first date and he was a little nervous and didn't know what to do. It could have been a lot worse, he could have been a pervert or something like that, he sounded like a gentleman to me! A military ball? What lucky ducks, all our school gets is a little semi-formal get together at a fair grounds! Good luck with all of that and have a good start for 2006!

from youfoundme :

You sound just like me. I have good grades and I don't 'try and I scramble at the last minute for everything. Why try for something when you can be happy and doing well? That's my philosophy!

from youfoundme :

The job is going okay. At first it was fun, but now I'm just pushing for the money and doing what I need to do. Hope everything is alright for you!

from youfoundme :

Happy 17th birthday! Sometimes all that you need is just that one person or group of people to say something nice to you to totally make up for the fact that some people forgot. Have a great birthday and stay positive!

from youfoundme :

Thanks so much for the comment! Don't ya just LOVE getting those annoying little sniffles in class and everyone hears you sniff back your snot and you get up to blow your nose and it's like a walk of shame with everyone staring at you? That's always been a big problem for me, haha. Anyway, hope all goes well for you!

from sabrrrina :

hey i took the psat too. the math section was HARD. i skipped a lot lol :D have a great weekend

from youfoundme :

Hello there, I know of some really cool design sites that are totally free. DivaDesigns.diaryland, AleeDesigns.diaryland, and teendesigns.diaryland have some very cool templates that I love using.

from ashleyamused :

Hi! Thanks for leaving me a note. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, I always regret telling people the boys I like. It never turns out well. Lol. Your diary is cool; I really like your layout. Ahh, Chemistry, I took that last year. Good Luck! -Ash- PS: You have good taste in movies and books. :)

from youfoundme :

Hey there! I was just reading through your diary and I saw your picture question. I actually think you have to have like a gold membership to host pictures of yourself or any other personal pictures. It really sucks. If you find a way to host the image, I think you could do it, but I'm not too sure.

from youfoundme :

New layout, awesome!

from marky350 :

Maybe you should make a new one.... either way, let me know so I can read!

from dearworld :

How is getting your bus changed bad? Oh, and congrats on fifty entries.

from dearworld :

I'm glad you like my new diary. And that you think I'm cool. Your cool yourself. By the way, I like how you've spruced up the plain old Diaryland Template. I know it's SO hard to learn HTML. My sister taught me when I was young, and there is still stuff I'm learning. Have a good day!

from marky350 :

Aww.. I'm sorry about the house. That must suck major. But hey, maybe there is a better one out there, or maybe you'll be able to get that one. Just remember my favorite quote, "When all of the trees are cut down, All the rivers are damned, and all of natures beauties destroyed for developement, we'll realize we can't eat money." By the way, I got a new diary.. http://dearworld.diaryland.com

from marky350 :

I know what you mean about the bus. We are all overflowing into the aisles, it's insane. I can hardly breathe. No one evens sits down, so I run to the bus and try to get the seat in the back so I can stand up and breathe through the window. I wish we had a big bus. I try to get a ride as much as I can though. Have a good weekend!

from marky350 :

So? Be lucky you have lunch at 1:30.. I have it at 9:55, and I don't get home til four thirty most of the time! And I joined cross country, so I have meets til 7 sometimes, and have to try and sneak as many snacks as possible! So hungry...

from marky350 :

It's a school night for you?? Sheesh. I started nine days ago. But I get out earlier then you! Ha! .:sticks tounge out and screams "nanny nanny nah nah!":. Okay.. that's just me being obnoxious. Have a good first day of school!

from marky350 :

Hey... I really liked your diary and I put it as one of my faves.

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