messages to tinea:
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from aryssa90 :
Im glad you updated and that you seem to be doing better! THe boss thing would weird me out a bit too but I agree the transactional aspect of relationships. I don't think youre taking advantage of him at all :)
from loveherwell :
i just want to say i'm sorry that all of this is happening to you - but i'm so glad that you have people around you (like your boss) who care so much for you. that says a lot about you to begin with. wishing you well.
from aryssa90 :
You're amazing. I do t k is what you're going through necessarily but I can def relate to the "is this really my life rn". I'm here if you need me <3
from aryssa90 :
Hey! Just checking in on you. I hope you're doing okay. Everytime I check diaryland I'm still like "That motherfucker".
from aryssa90 :
Girl. I read your entry and just kept thinking-what the actual fuck?! Like. Who does that? I don't want to be the girl who talks shit and then becomes a dick when/if people get back together but just no. You have been through SO much together and he tries to like, ghost you? I know you have people but I'm here if you ever want to talk.
from aryssa90 :
Welcome baaaack!!
from loveherwell :
glad to see you back!
from loveherwell :
i am glad that, at least, your job is going well. sometimes that's enough to keep us all going.
from aryssa90 :
Hey, hope you're doing well. You're late entry was pretty down and just wanted to see how you have been!
from aryssa90 :
hey! if you need to talk you can leave me a note or email. Hope things get better!
from jaysthoughts :
Greetings.
from aryssa90 :
how much work can you realistically put in, that really struck a chord with me. It's something I'm wondering myself lately and it's leading me to be a bit more impulsive than I normally would. Everything passes, we just don't know how things will end up after that haha
from loveherwell :
oh my goodness, i would tear my (his?) hair out. geeeeeez.
from loveherwell :
it's so gross!! :) also, super glad the ticket stuff is getting taken care of.
from loveherwell :
hehehe :)
from loveherwell :
i meant to stop by yesterday and tell you: it is always so incredibly refreshing to read about how you are always ready to stand up for yourself. how even though you love boy, you won't handle being treated poorly. i admire you so much for that. honestly.
from loveherwell :
i get that. i feel sometimes that no matter how good things are, i'm never satisfied. i'm not sure if it's something humans inherently feel, though.
from xnamehere :
ahhh thank you! children are NOT magical. procreation is not a fucking miracle and i'm so tired of hearing people make it out to be something you just MUST experience in life, as if you're life just won't be complete. honestly, those people make me feel like they're just trying to con me into the trap they fell into. really, not happening. it's such bullshit to me. i mean, i get it, i get why ppl have babies and create their families and it's "lovely". >.> still, nah... not doing it. babies are not happiness and society/corporations tell us they are. family is what's important and family doesn't mean birthing a miniature you. i just... i think it's all a scam to weigh ppl down from discovering their true potential or just become so preoccupied by how much they NEED a baby to the point they can't even wait until they're stable and able... and then that's it. now there's another one of you running around and you are legally responsible for knowing where the hell this other human being is at all times for the next 18+ years. it's just... whatever happened to just being? i love my time, if i had a kid, i would surely feel my life was over, and maybe it is a bit over-reaching of me to say, but I KNOW ppl with kids must feel an inkling of that too, because that's what parenthood is. it's not about you anymore. and you know what? it's awesome you don't want to have kids. it is perfectly alright to feel that way and i just want to hug your right now aha. :D i guess i'm just an angry asshole too man.
from xnamehere :
:''( i'm so sorry about your babyboy. *hugs* i don't know if it really gets "better", but it changes. rest easy, love.
from loveherwell :
i am so, so, so sorry for your loss. :(
from xnamehere :
oh do i know that sickening feeling. :(( i hope your buddy will be okay. sending you love. <333
from loveherwell :
thank you <3
from loveherwell :
i've only seen the original documentary catfish and that one was craaaaaazy. but that story is a million times better :)
from lostasyou :
Haha! Sorry about that ;)
from lostasyou :
I had a dream and you was in it.. I went online and at some point I read an entry on your diary that said you was pregnant, hahahaha. I thought I'd just share that with you. Let's hope I can't predict the future, aye..? ;)
from loveherwell :
i'm just so happy for you that you're in a good spot and talking about a wedding!!! (eeek!!!)
from loveherwell :
THAT VIDEO IS PERFECT AND THE WHOLE ENTIRE THING IS LOVELY. it has honestly made my day that it made you think of me at all. :D :D :D
from xnamehere :
damn, girl. i'm glad you're alright. i wish i had some advice, but honestly have no experience with that sort of pain. i suppose i get an occasional debilitating cramp every now and again, but i think i've only ever taken motrin once, ever. i think it's because i'm a dairy lover and i just inhale cheese on a daily basis, but then i know there are articles that say to avoid dairy. i guess it just depends on how u do with dairy. i do hope you find something though, my precious. <3
from incshrnkmn :
You don't know me. I'm just a lurker living vicariously through you and your life. And escorting sounds really exciting. But if there's going to be a custody fight over his kid, you might want to hold off.
from loveherwell :
that's SO great about your mom! i hope things continue to improve.
from loveherwell :
that certainly does give me some hope. it's just the people I'm around most of this summer, they've kind of ingrained it in me that the only way to be desirable is to first be skinny, then the other stuff matters. i've never seen it like that because in order for me to be actually attracted to anyone, i usually have to already be their friend and know a lot about them, so it's never based on anything like looks. eh, it's all weird anyway haha.
from loveherwell :
i know that it's difficult to make such a quick transition like that with little a, but i just wanted to drop by and say i think you're making it gracefully.
from atwowaydream :
Completely understand the whole Sell Yourself thing. Streets of rage is. . . some weird Sega Rite of Passage. I even had Sega CD. Shh.
from incshrnkmn :
You're welcome for the advice. Your mileage may vary, as they say, but I've always liked it. And the first time, well, let's just say it was a revelation.
from xnamehere :
haha, yeeah... and i totally didn't mean to get so worked up about it and unload all over your notes page, you covered it wonderfully ;P it's just really nice to hear it in another voice. i have very little patience for people like that, but i happen to love so many people like that. :/
from xnamehere :
this is exactly what i'm going through right now with my brother. some people are just so deep in their habits that they can see themselves doing x and thinking "i should be doin y" but it's like autopilot's taken over and it truly seems like they're paralyzed. they claim to want to change and want help (and some probably do), but they won't ever start being the person that wouldn't stand for that same old shit. they play the role and it's only natural they find the same problems. they set their faith on the past and it's like they become their past selves because they've accepted that's all they'll ever be so they never progress because they can't see that there is a better role they should be filling. or maybe it's like you said, they love the drama and their exquisite blend of self-pity. it's really just a lack of self-respect/worth/preservation. it's sad and it makes me ache, especially because i know what it's like to be in that position, where you're actually okay with getting hurt, when you know there's a better move. they have to want to get to better. no amount of external advice and sense can change them. it seems to be something they have awake to themselves. i try to help my brother nonetheless and guide him to insights i've found helpful... but... anymore it just seems like he shuts everything out and your frustration is precisely mine. *sigh*
from lostasyou :
Hi :) thanks, that is probably more than enough to get me started! I'm sure I'll find some stuff. Yeah I'm not good at eating early.. I always seem to wait until I'm actually starving and then I end up eating TOO much -_- haha. I'll bookmark the websites and then get going from there :) thanks a lot!
from lostasyou :
Oh wait, I've just seen some on that livestrong website you suggested.. I'll have a look through on that instead of being lazy haha. I'm sure there's at least one thing I can tackle on there.
from lostasyou :
Hi tinea (: I know you're into the whole health thing so I thought I'd pester you first.. I can't remember if you ever said about examples for lunch/dinner recipes.. I was just wondering if you could give me some basic ones if you know of any? Or a website that has recipes? I am a terrible cook so it'd have to be really, really basic hahaha.. basically I was just wondering what I could make with some oven baked chicken breasts for dinner.. and what sort of thing/how much you'd suggest for lunch. I'll riffle through for that email you sent me because I'm trying to be really good this week. No worries if you can't think of anything! xx
from loveherwell :
i'm so happy you're in such a good place right now!
from xnamehere :
i'm leaving you a note cuz your comment box likes to chew mine up and spit them out two weeks later. :P god, my bf called me lame today and it just about made me cry and i felt like such a wimpy sack of testicles for being so offended by it... then i came and read your entry (3/1) and aww. *hugs* you are amazing. what you have done physically is an incredible feat... and i thought it was empowering losing 20 pounds. ;) you are a goddess, embrace it.
from loveherwell :
Yeah, that's true. I'm honestly working on it. I've just been evaluating things that I need to change that may help me end up in better places. At least better than the places I've put myself in recently. I'm trying to convince myself that being honest/"mean" isn't such a bad thing.
from xnamehere :
amen :) ya, it seems stuck to your most recent entry instead of the 1/19 entry it was intended for. as for your last entry, ah, i'm reminded of why i gave up on fb.
from loveherwell :
this is great! good for you :)
from loveherwell :
that's so crazy!!
from xnamehere :
aww same to you, lovely. thank you. :)
from atwowaydream :
Yes, I definitely agree with ladies getting their act together. As for your friend, I really do hope that she's falling out of the destructive cycle with that creep...I would be proud of her too for finally sticking up for herself.
from lostasyou :
Oooh! I was going to specifically note you first of all to see if you could give a few tips but then I thought it might be seen as pestering haha. But I know you're into the whole healthy eating/fitness thing so I'd love a few tips if you care to share some? :)
from flowermouth :
I meant more the grump phase of late. :)
from flowermouth :
That makes no sense and is absolutely schmuckish. I'm sure he's generally a decent guy (sounds like it anyway) but it also sounds like he's entered some kind of tool-phase. Hope he sorts himself out soon.
from flowermouth :
He doesn't touch you because he doesn't want to give you the impression that he likes your body?
from elusive-you :
i hope everything turns out all right.
from loveherwell :
haha, that's so cute.
from loveherwell :
i love this entry!
from xnamehere :
i enjoyed your mixtape as well. especially that cayman islands song. thank you! ^^
from lanienaked :
hm I think you should go. maybe go around 11pm when there's less people. also believe it or no, wal mart helps people who are less fortunate. Those people overseas/third world countries would give anything to have jobs, otherwise they have no food. wal mart is providing them jobs.
from fat-teen :
Thanks so much for the advice-- I really appreciate it and plan to take it to heart. (: And congrats on fitting into that sweater! Must be the best feeling in the world! (:
from xnamehere :
don't get preachy, woman. ;) i'm glad you're happy. it's kinda infectious.
from fat-teen :
Oh my goodness! Congratulations! I'm around 100 lbs over weight and I'm ready to lose it. Thanks so much for the friendly offer-- I'll definitely take you up on that. (:
from lostasyou :
Yeah I get what you're saying completely. Every time this happens in this big joke of a situation I seem to gain a little bit more.. Sense haha. I completely agree with everything you said. It is a waste of time feeling so damn miserable and I could be doing such better things.. Eventually. I just can't seem to take the plunge right now. The tiny things about how it's all going to change keeps getting to me so I'm stalling. Badly. But I will do it. I know I have to. It's not right to just carry this on.. Hmmm.
from lostasyou :
I just trawled through your diary and found that entry again about the break up you had when you were younger. It made me cry haha. It's all so true. "and still, the fights never stopped. fight, break up for a day. make up the following night with promises of changing, being better for each other, doing something differently. but it was always the same,".. It is just ridiculous really, isn't it? I have been fighting to the death for this to work but it's just not going to be fixed. There's been a stupid amount of "break ups" now, and ugh fucking hell it has to just end. I'm trying to prepare for the hurt again but I'm afraid of it, so I'm biding my time. Got to do it though, right? You were so hurt too :( Agh I wish it was easier to deal with, ha. But yeah.. I read back on your entry and remembered that I'm not the only one who has to go through with it. Sigh. I dunno. Just sucks.
from atwowaydream :
" i wonder if the hemispheres light up, or if the little impulses sparkle, like the aurora borealis, or constellations. but either way, so beautiful." - so lovely.
from lostasyou :
Hi ^_^ <3
from loveherwell :
oh, that website is awesome!! thank you!! is there anything in particular you recommend? :)
from akasha90 :
i loved your last entry. i'm currently not tattooed, but i felt the same way when i had purple hair. i felt a lot less self-conscious about myself and prettier even while others were staring at me. i no longer have purple hair, but i'd like to be tattooed for the same reason. if you've suffered pain that has left a negative permanent mark on you, i think it makes perfect sense to bare the pain and leave a more positive mark on your body.
from curioushope :
"it's amazing how much you can miss someone you see all the time"...I feel the exact same way, lovely.
from akasha90 :
i added you. i hope you don't mind. i really liked reading your entries. i missed real entries about real people instead of all the ambiguousness.
from omfggwtf :
thank you! sorry if it brought back any bad memories of what it was like hah.. and i am doing okay.. a bit tipsy and feeling pretty shit now but aaaaaaghh! i want it to be ok bleugh. hope you're well x
from omfggwtf :
you are an absolute beaut, do you know that?! i read all of that entry about your ex boyfriend and i feel so bad for you. it sounds like you went through a really awful time. a lot of that SCREAMS at me haha, i feel quite similar with how the relationship went and how it feels now. i really don't know what is going to happen from now on but i am really glad i read that. when i'm not so bloody stupid anymore and i grow a backbone then i will probably have hope! i am still "finding out the hard way" probably, and seeing how he's reacting because he's being jealous and weird with me.. but i know it'll eventually turn out like that. but i feel good for now :). i am glad you are alright with it all too, good to know it doesn't haunt you forever hah.. essay, sorry. x
from omfggwtf :
thank you so much for what you said, my heart skipped 'cos i saw my name mentioned hahaha. thank you for saying all of that, and i'm sorry that you had to go through that too. goddamn relationships. x
from curioushope :
Thanks. I feel the same way about you.
from omfggwtf :
hahaha! when i talk to that girl on skype in calls, i just start wondering what i'd do if i was in front of a bunch of REAL LIFE AMERICANS in a strange new town.. i think i would cry. i thought i was being horrible stereotyping everyone as loud but now i am wondering ;)
from flowermouth :
My periods are like that too, except my periods don't come monthly and when they do come, they stay for weeks--basically, I feel for you. I know how it is--and it sucks :(
from flowermouth :
Your most recent entry (I write this at 4:45am on the 18th of October) seems rather important and I'm looking forward to reading it, but I can't yet---still I want to offer a happy anniversary to you.
from omfggwtf :
oh god. smoking, if it's the kind i think you mean ;) then i just completely die. i didn't used to but with alcohol it kills me.. hahaha. and yeah! it's really horrible sometimes. when i start drinking i just wait for this awful aching feeling to kick in, it was never there before! and the heavy thing is just really bad :| at least it's not just me. unless we're both completely fucked ahaha xo.
from flowermouth :
You should maybe read Marge Piercy's Woman On The Edge Of Time. I own it and I'd even give it to you if I could.
from atwowaydream :
I know we can't pick and choose our family, and sometimes that sucks. I hope your brother finds some footing, and hopefully everything goes okay while you're there. :)
from yesnotreally :
Feeling alone even in a crowd is one of the hardest feelings to cope with, and something I've personally felt all my life. I actually had a big sniffly cry about it a couple nights ago to my boyfriend and he looked like a dear in headlights. I find abstract thoughts and feelings like that almost impossible to explain especially to a gregarious man.
from flowermouth :
http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/121899/
from flowermouth :
I think the worst feeling in the world is feeling lonely in a crowded room.
from omfggwtf :
aw really!? haha i didn't know anyone felt like that about my silly ramblings. i doubt i'll be locked for long at all, but right now my head is a bit of a mess so i feel a bit awkward about the world seeing. doesn't really make a lot of sense i suppose aha, but i will probably unlock it again in about 2 days -_- xo.
from alienamiss :
Jesus motherfuck. Your template rapes mine in tact.
from flowermouth :
Not so much impulsive when it's been on my mind the whole time...but maybe just convinced I'm hopeless. As for chapstick: there is a tube here at my desk, one in my nightstand, one in my purse. Etc. Cannot live without it. End of story.
from flowermouth :
MAS is very much a girl to my boy. :) It's neat that we have this in common.
from flowermouth :
First: glad to know I'm not the only one with irrational thoughts. Okay, I can't remember what the second one was, but I am glad you two are getting some time together.
from atwowaydream :
you're completely right-- age shouldn't matter with diaries, as any interesting person will always have confessions. I am loyal to my diaryland buddies, and I will continue to read you as long as you continue to write. :)
from papersails :
I keep a paper diary. In a weird way, I WANT people to read my diary-- this one, I mean-- I mean, when I was little and kept a diary, before the internet, I hoped that someday I would be famous and people would want to read my diary. Well, now it is "someday" and I'm not famous but people are reading my (this) diary anyway. I upgraded to gold so that if I write something that I wouldn't want my loved ones or people I know reading, or something that is hurtful to others, I can keep it private. I can almost never think of what to say in a paper diary. Here, ideas just flow out of me. Is it the audience? Is it seeing my words against a black template decorated with my photos? Is it simply that I think and write better when I'm typing? I don't know. But I did try to keep an offline diary a couple years back that I typed on the computer... it just wasn't the same. I guess you could say I'm hooked. When I do write in my paper diary, it's more raw. But I feel like writing here is better for my writing because I edit and rewrite before I post-- I'm not someone who just writes and then posts without thinking about it. (Not that there's anything wrong with doing that-- those diaries are often the most fun to read-- it's just not my personal style.)
from papersails :
Thank you so much for your note!
from loveherwell :
ah, that's adorable. congrats on the anniversary!
from microthrills :
thank you for the add. i look forward to reading some of your entries as well. xo.
from killsoft :
skeet skeet
from ninabean :
congrats on the weightloss! Oh to be a size 14 again... i saw it for a few months last year and then... BAM... hello again snug 16s aka actually 18s but dont wanna admit it to myself or my bodY!!
from omfggwtf :
ha thank you for your words. i feel really stupid for feeling so sorry for myself, but i don't know what else to do. at first it was just nothing to me, and now i am feeling more and more guilt. i know it's for the best but oh my god. the mess i get myself into. unbelievable. but thank you anyway :) it'd be lovely to have a supportive rock x
from bareorigins :
i really liked that entry today (7/8/10). very pretty.
from omfggwtf :
haha thank you! (: i really love your diary i must say, your relationship sounds so interesting.
from bibles :
Hope you don't mind if I add you but it seems you have a beautiful diary!
from omfggwtf :
just stumbled onto it from the recent public entries, aha.
from omfggwtf :
you have a really interesting diary :) xo.
from elliestuff :
beautiful diary.
from tinea :
as do i. i think it's an appropriate word. i feel helpless, violated, and abused. i know it's not the same, but no one can tell that to my heart.
from lauraleye :
diary-x raped me of my beloved words, too. "rape" may sound like too awful of a word, but it's how i feel.

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