messages to idontpretend:
(click here to add new message):

from lanienaked :
is this that girl in ny? why are you still talking to her? :X
from imalex :
The usual as well! haha. I'm in my last year of my BA, just have a few credits to make up next fall. I haven't got a clue what I'll be doing after, but it will be nice to be finished. I'll probably move to Toronto or Montreal. We'll see :) Glad to hear that you're still plucking away, haha.
from imalex :
heey! I didn't know you were still here. How have you been?
from englishsucks :
congrats on part time job:)
from zockendland :
I really liked your profile, and you seem interesting. (:
from lanienaked :
omg, all of it?! are they giving you some time to pay it at least? it's a cc right? maybe a few hundred dollars?
from lanienaked :
seems like the financial aid office is always doing something like that :X i hope they're not taking away too much of it? good luck.
from college-kid :
Whaaaaaat? I've /never/ heard of that happening. What are the circumstances? Was your aid grants or federal loans? That really sucks, dude, hope you figure something out. <3
from dangerspouse :
Dude, you're really going through quite a stretch of bad luck with the distaff side, judging from your archives. How about taking a step back and concentrating on alcohol and World of Warcraft or something for a while? Might be cheaper, at least. Not to mention neither of those will stand you up, either....
from college-kid :
For the record, we're not /all/ like that. ):
from cordeliameg :
The badness in this world. With you on that...
from viva-la-babe :
i am so happy for you, friend! you're really an inspiration
from college-kid :
Glad to hear it was only mild. Still sorry to hear about it, though.
from college-kid :
So I'm taking Microbial Genetics and I have to say... I like it INFINITELY more than the Eukaryotic genetics class I took. The prof. is better, and I like the material more. I can see why you like it. :)
from fifidellabon :
I'm sorry for your loss. All of them. Hang in there...XOFifi
from koorikaze :
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for you and your family. (I've followed your journal for about a year now. We had a mutual friend in rainbowqueen)
from viva-la-babe :
praying for you and your family. sorry about this :(
from autumnrein :
It's not me. I live on the opposite end of the country.:-)
from autumnrein :
I love reading your journal. You have the courage to speak the truth. -Andrea
from college-kid :
Save it for a girl that deserves it.
from autumnrein :
LOL I don't know why, but she kind of reminds me of the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland. -Andrea
from college-kid :
You're obviously not talking to the right kind of girl, my friend. You need to find one as nerdy/geeky as yourself and you should be set. :)
from college-kid :
Can't wait to read it. ;D
from viva-la-babe :
I would like to read your book someday. :)
from viva-la-babe :
Be careful
from college-kid :
Sounds like a jerk. = Weird, I have yet to meet anyone in college that meets that type of description. Maybe he didn't get enough love as a child. Hope all else is well. <3
from kenny-loo :
I've been in your situation a few times too- not fun! Especially when feelings start to get intense and you need to be with that person in the same space and you know you can't be. It's harder because you know that the only thing standing in the way is having enough funds to get to and from and not having them. I hate that money is the center or everything but it just proves that now with the internet evolving as much as it has, we get to meet so many wonderful people out there and not just be limited to luck and whomever happens to live in your small little town. I don't think that's fair, you know? In my case, i just need the money and hopefully i can make my situation happen and i hope that when you see your significant other, that you will do us all the honor of posting a picture of the two of you to gush over! :)
from viva-la-babe :
:O good luck with that...when's your trip? :)
from viva-la-babe :
:) :) :)
from college-kid :
So I've been looking at SWTOR now. Totally want to play-- especially a BH. But you hit the nail on the head-- don't have money for that AND WoW. Curse you! :p
from college-kid :
1. Also not surprised you're a guild leader. I've only just started playing WoW (the gateway mmo) a few months ago and can't seem to find a guild that's not filled with douche bags. 2. Maybe just go talk to your TA. Your grade shouldn't suffer because she's an idiot. Just be like, "Look. So-and-so is being really difficult to work with. This is how I think the experiment SHOULD be done, this is how she INSISTS it BE done. Is my grade going to suffer?"
from lanienaked :
somehow i'm not surprised that you are a guild leader
from lanienaked :
she sounds very calculating. well, I hope you're doing okay/better. also, I think our solar system is plenty interesting by itself. We've yet to even go to Mars yet. How how much more do we need to discover to keep it interesting?
from lanienaked :
ah. i guess it didn't work out after all. I know I should say that I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm glad. I really didn't like her based on how you described her. Good for you. I used to think that I was alone and that no one was like me. I think that love finds you in places that you don't look for them. By the way, there are people with values. Guess you're not looking in the right place :(
from lobo21 :
Hello. I applaud you for standing up and holding to your principles and values. I too have walked and continue to walk a path alone hoping for one to come along side and bring my better self out of me. Just as it is hard to find someone who doesn't pretend and has those values and principle you treasure in yourself and look for in another, it is just as hard to stay true to them. I wish you the best on your journey.
from kenny-loo :
It's hard to find someone that will bring out the best in you. That person does exist and i believe i am the kind of person that does her best to bring out the best in friends and people. You are correct about people not being raised with values and principles anymore. However, i was and i hold on tight to what my parents have taught me...to always stand up for what i believe in and not let others influence me and lead me toward a path of self destruction. Perhaps it's for that very reason that i am alone and not in a relationship. It's getting harder and harder to find someone with any morals left...so searching for the right person is like looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow that doesn't exist. If you didn't think a girl like that existed, hello...i exist. i just wanted to let you know that we're out there. scattered perhaps, but out there.
from college-kid :
If love comes my way, then so be it. If not, then I'll make the best of this life I have left to live.-- Good words. And you're not the only one. Through talking to you and reading your entries, I feel like we're a lot alike. If there's two of us, surely there's more. I don't know how to put it in words-- I'm not as eloquent as you are-- but its not something to just give up on completely. I'm sorry it had to end like that, but with every chapter that ends a new one begins, with new and often better opportunity.
from lanienaked :
you sound more than a bit optimistic despite your dreary entries describing her. i can't help but sit here biting my nails. people rarely change after all. but then, i am a cynic. :X
from lanienaked :
seems like you keep going back and forth. i worry that you are setting yourself up for another fall :(
from college-kid :
Beautifully written.
from college-kid :
*Big 'ol squishy hug*
from kenny-loo :
I completely agree with you on the whole divorce rate thing. Sad, really. It really scares me that what people used to be so scandalized about 50 years ago is so normal today. So many unnatural relationships, confusing children. bullying, suicides...it's all too much and only getting worse. God must be covering his eyes at such madness. Marriage was meant to be between a man and a woman, forever. What the heck happened to humanity?
from neangel :
congrats on the appeal!!! that's great news! Sorry she is not being supportive. some people are just more selfish than selfless. :(
from athenyx :
*hugs*
from college-kid :
Nah, you're not. Sounds rough. I went through a small phase when I was acting the exact same way-- though I never went as far as to actually tell him it was over. Turns out it was the birth control I was on (hormones, you know). Since I've been off, I've been perfectly fine. Too bad it isn't as easy with your girl. :( Hope she manages to find herself.
from college-kid :
Huwhaaaa? That makes no sense. D: Girls are insane. I know because I am one.
from gomerx :
So, I haven't been on in awhile, but I wanted to check up on you and see that you are doing well! YAY!!!! I'm so happy for you...God bless you
from sexyatheist :
it makes me so happy to hear how happy you are. and i hope that if you ever do move on, you leave a forwarding address to those of us you have touched. or just me :)
from college-kid :
It's possible. :o
from college-kid :
Holy crap you responded fast! Haha, I'm actually a Microbiology major, now. Genetics is NOT my favorite subject but I better grow to like it, I s'pose. I'd very much like to work in a laboratory setting either in a Hospital or in the food industry. What about you? Think you'll go to grad. school? Pursue research?
from college-kid :
:(
from college-kid :
No worries. (: Better safe than sorry.
from college-kid :
Booo! Okay okay, I'll take your word for it. ;P
from college-kid :
WHAT!!? What kind of entry was that?! You can't just... NOT TELL US. :(
from college-kid :
The internet is the best way to meet people. You're able to connect with them on a level that you can't in real life because people are less afraid of being themselves. That's how I met my boyfriend-- he was living in England at the time and I was in Texas. We met a year later and have been together 3 years. Good luck with this one, you seem really happy with her. (: Cheers!
from college-kid :
I know what you mean about not feeling or connecting with others. I can't claim to have gone through what you've been through, but my time and dedication to studies and the like have left me little to no time to spend with friends, so I think I understand where you're coming from? You should take one night and go on a date with yourself. Stay home, watch movies, maybe have a beer, and just chill. Get to know yourself again.
from jaysthoughts :
I would have loved to have read your diary entries, but the text is overlapped.
from imalex :
Oh that's great! I actually deleted my facebook :S Or paused it or whatever. I spent way too much time on their being depressed about old times. It's good that you don't write so much in a way, it means you're out there living your life! <3
from college-kid :
Ewww, Genetics. I have a new-found respect for you. LOL. I'm more of a micro-biology type gal. Yeah, Organic is all about Carbon. There's a TON of memorization, though. I personally find it really difficult, but I've heard you either really like gen. chem. or you really like ochem. I personally like gen. chem. xD
from college-kid :
Funny thing is, my associates is sitting at the bottom of a desk drawer in my room. I haven't had it framed yet. ): But yeah, I know what you mean. Now when I apply for jobs, I can be like, "HAH! I have something AFTER highschool!" Gen. Chem. isn't too horrible-- I didn't take it over the summer, though. Pay attention towards the end of Gen. Chem. II, though. They should do a chapter or so on Organic Chemistry. No joke most difficult subject I've ever taken. :X But yeah, summer semesters are more intense, but they're so WORTH it because you can get things out of the way. I need to take pre-cal and calc. 1; I'll probably end up taking them next summer. You can still be a writer! That's the nice thing about writing, it doesn't care what type of degree you have. :)
from college-kid :
Oh my gosh, yes. It never ends. I was originally an English major (I /love/ English) but I realized I wasn't interested in any of the job opportunities having an English degree provided. So I switched to Biology in hopes of going to Pharmacy school, but that's sort of out the window, now. Way too expensive and I'd have to move (most likely out of state, or at least out of the area) which just isn't in the cards right now. So when I graduate I'm going to apply for a medical technician program, which is about a year long, and do lab work. Hopefully, heh. I went ahead and got my associates, but that's because I changed my major a few times and didn't know what I wanted to do, lol. If you /know/ what you want to do, I don't blame you for not wanting it. What class are you taking? I've taken a few labs over the summer, they're pretty brutal.
from college-kid :
Ugh, I feel you about having to change degrees due to lack of resources. That's what I'm going through right now as well. I've settled for finding something that interests me and will pay my bills, and maybe someday I'll go back to school to pursue my "dream" career. My degree's biology as well. (: Keep up the hard work!
from imalex :
Haven't heard from you in ages! Hope you're well :)
from sexyatheist :
hot and heavy with some guy?! don't i wish. no play for me since the break-up though there is definitely some potential in the future. of course if/when it happens, i will write all about it. sex is my favorite topic and even more fun to write about when i'm actually getting it
from sexyatheist :
there isn't much to catch up on really. just me writing random crap. so business as usual actually. shoot me an email at [email protected] and i'll send it your way again if you want.
from sexyatheist :
i know it doesn't mean much, but i'm thinking of you my friend. i'm sending as big of a virtual hug as i possibly can.
from autumnrein :
I found your entry inspiring. Thank you for that. :-) -Andrea
from thisisjohn :
the familiar sting of pain, explains almost my whole diary. one stop at a time, works.
from dinahsoar :
I really appreciate your diary. You really DON'T pretend! It is refreshing to hear the candid thoughts of a guy who feels things deeply and isn't afraid to look at it and sit with it (however painful). You are testimony against the stereotype of the "shallow" guy who sees women as dispensible & interchangeable. You offer a window into what happened in some of my own relatiionships (allowing me to experience the male perspective). Thank you! I just fell into your diary 'cuz it appeared in that little "corner", but I hope it's okay if I add you.
from athenyx :
Ooh, and i meant to say, what is it that you'll graduate with? And, hope to do with it after? x
from athenyx :
I LOVE weekend lie ins. So glad i have them back. Oh, i get it...i think. How many credits do you need/want? Being busy doesn't stop me from being bored. :-P I'm a freak of nature. Even if i have a gazillion things to do, i'll still find the time to do everything but. Like reorganise my music or something equally tedious. So lame. :-D It is epic. At least i hope it will be. It might be disasterous, but it's exactly what i want to do. It's nice knowing, isn't it? x
from athenyx :
Navy? That's cool. A military man huh. Jeesh...4 hours every night? I wouldn't be alive to live to tell the tale. Neither would anyone else for that matter. Yeah, i get the grades...fuck if i know how. I'm impressed at your choices though, most of those would go right over my head. I never was scientifically minded. A&P? Credit hours? Now i'm the ignorant British one. I don't have any choice in my classes 'cause i'm on an Access to HE course in Humanities and Social Sciences. I have to take Maths, Psychology, Sociology, English Lit, Comms, ICT and History. But *fingers thoroughly crossed* i'll be starting Uni in September and i want to double in Creative Writing and Philosophy. :-D x
from athenyx :
You're better than me :-D I string out the day for as long as possible...regardless of the fact i sometimes have to get up at 8 for college. I can function on three hours sleep, but it's definately not pretty. And i loath my alarm clock...i've taken to ignoring it. It should be grateful it's still alive. What classes do you take? :-) You're six hours behind me. Lucky. It's already monday here x
from athenyx :
*grins* Suppose you didn't. I can respect that - the whole body control thing. I've never done anything hardcore and i definately wouldn't inject myself with anything...nor snort anything either. Though i did snort bath salts once... Oh ([email protected]) now you do! I love the night too - i just try not to get into bad habits...like going to sleep at 5am like last night/this morning. :-D What time is it where you are? x
from athenyx :
A two person job huh? Such a man. Lmao. Nytol's your generic pharmacy stuff over here, but i always found it worked really well - too well in fact. I wouldn't even remember falling asleep or waking up, like some sort of vacuum in time - freaked me out something awful. Yeah, stress impacts on everything. Sucky huh. That's why i stay up so late i think. If you ever can't sleep and you're totally bored out of your skull, you can always email me (i secretly love getting emails - i'm a notes and quotes whore) x
from athenyx :
That's sensible :-) I'm much the same, unless i'm in an i-don't-give-a-fuck mood. I think you can get prescriptions for insomnia, do you have nytol over there? I have some, but i dislike using them - it's like blacking out for me. That defo sucks though. I have different issues...staying asleep is SO not a problem for me...getting to sleep? Not so easy. x
from athenyx :
*blushes* That depends. The more i have, the chirpier i get. And i think EVERYONE is my friend. I wish it would put me to sleep x
from athenyx :
Right :-D. It's not for everyone ;-) I think i have a pretty stupid attitude towards drugs anyway, but like i said - no self control. I've been told i'm exactly the same person when i'm high or drunk - just more cuddly and stuff - so i figure it can't be all bad x
from athenyx :
Fun...it's a nightmare! Lol. Maybe you call it a joint? ;-) x
from athenyx :
I have no self control. If my mind wants to reorganise all my books into favourite authors, followed by favourite novels by those authors...my body follows. If my mind wants a spliff, that's what my body gets. That's how i roll with it! :-D x
from athenyx :
Lmao. It's cool. I agree. I like neat little boxes (that's the OCD talking) but life is messy. Can't avoid that x
from athenyx :
Definately. Most of my entries are me not making a single bit of sense, rambling about everything unimportant. But i still feel better afterwards :-) x
from athenyx :
Well, in that case...awesome :-D Enjoy the frequent bouts of nonsense! x
from athenyx :
Lol. You don't have to add me 'cause i added you. I don't mind if i'm nobody's favourite, aslong as i'm my favourite :-D x
from athenyx :
Ditto. You're already on my favs so no doubt i will :-) x
from athenyx :
:-) x
from athenyx :
Lmao. Too true x
from athenyx :
Same. I'm a bit of a quote whore :-D x
from athenyx :
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran :-) x
from athenyx :
Thank you :-) We'd need super durable cement you know. I'm sorry for what you must have gone through too. I'm glad that you're still strong though - the emotional/psychological stuff is always the hardest to overcome x
from athenyx :
Life happened x
from moonlit-eyes :
I think a lot of people are lonely on Christmas. I'm sorry that you were, too. :(
from imalex :
I'm lonely too. I don't think there is a person out there who truly understands how lonely I am.
from omfggwtf :
ahah yeah it's me, and thanks
from omfggwtf :
i'm quite drunk and stumbled on here and i'm going to add you if i don't get the username wrong when i type it into my profile ;) hope you don't mind x
from imalex :
That thread your hanging by, I'm there with you. Things are pretty fucked on my end as well. But all will be well once the term is over. At least that's what I've been telling myself. <3
from imalex :
Hey Adam, how are you? I haven't talked to you in FOREVER!
from viva-la-babe :
woohoo! sorta. xD
from viva-la-babe :
your background has been removed or deleted! sad day!
from jenniesblog :
I am glad you found someone wonderful!! I love the feeling of love!
from imalex :
That's really cute!! I hope things just go up from here for you guys :)
from imatwin :
I could see how that would be really confusing. I guess you just have to keep trying.
from imatwin :
I understand what you mean. I'm sure the day you two actually see each other things will be much different and better.
from sexyatheist :
what is it with you and i always in confusing, up and down relationships over long distances? i think we're both a little crazy
from imatwin :
Yeah I was a bit silly :P
from imatwin :
It might be time for you to close the door... when she puts you through all these hoops.
from imatwin :
lol yeah you got me at an interesting momment with that one. I was a little hyper/drunk. XD Hense the poor spelling.
from imatwin :
Haha are you refering to what we call peemil?? Cuz that stuff is guud!!!
from killsoft :
skeet skeet
from imatwin :
That's good to hear :) Stay hopeful!
from imatwin :
I miss talking to you. Hope everything is good. :)
from gomerx :
I know I'm going to probably get blacklisted (even though I'm not on your list) as a freakin' wierdo, but I just read about your dream...I mean, it could be pepperoni pizza or it could be spiritual warfare (I tend to think it's the latter). I don't know-I wanna say be careful???
from gr8chick :
Yes, I'm still alive! 8-) How have you been? I'm doing great. I'm gonna try and take some time to catch up on some of my faves. You are def on the list. Good to be back. I've missed you guys!! ~Maria
from imatwin :
I wish I could be hammered on happysuace :)
from imatwin :
lmao I've done that a few times :D
from imatwin :
Haha, both of my 'original' cats are strays. Smokey and the whore cat who's given birth a million times.
from imatwin :
lmao... you think you're so funnny ;) No, to be honest, everyone on the street owns at least one cat because we live so close to a revene - mice are a problem. But yeah, most people, when they see our cats waundering about they just assume its another neighborhood cat. We just have two that people know, but because all the other ones look the same in varing sizes they'll never know its not the same cat hahahaha.... yeah, we're crazy :o
from imatwin :
Yeah, I know. haha. We're the crazy cat Family!
from imatwin :
OMG, you have no idea lol. We currently have six cats living in my house. Techinically three of them are to be taken to the humane society by late June, but still, we used to have eight when Necko last got pregnant.
from autumnrein :
Thank you. That means a lot to me. I try to be. I want to be. Sometimes I'm not though. Sometimes I'm just too naive and gullible. Sometimes I'm horribly impulsive, and I make assumptions that I shouldn't. And I think I'm too quick to judge. But I think...I've come to the realization that these things aren't necessarily faults. They are just...me. The sooner I accept myself as I am is as soon as I'll be able to accept others as they are. No faults. Just....human.
from autumnrein :
I just hope I don't become one of those really cynical people. I always want to believe in something no matter what. You are right. It is hard to figure out how much to hope. I don't want to be a quitter and I don't want to accept things as is. I always think there's more to life than what we see. I hope I never become blind.
from imatwin :
I repeat: because they are seven year old girls. Its just fun. :P And yes, yay for kitty! I am such a sad cat lady lol
from imatwin :
Because they are seven year old girls!
from imatwin :
Give into your defeat, lol. My brother used to pretend he was dead until my sister and I stopped attacking him. lol
from imatwin :
It sounds like she's ready to move on with her life, if you ask me. It sounds like she's ready to put everything in the past, and leave it there, and move on. But I'm just guessing.
from imatwin :
Hey, someone's gotta like the ugly ones ;) And by hustling, I mean applying to anything that will give me money and boasting about how 'poor' I am. Haha.
from imatwin :
I guess I should have actually said I'm not really attracted to cute girls. lol
from imatwin :
I am so jealous that you got away from your parents. I really can't wait to do the same. And cute girls are always.... cool? I guess, I'm not a guy lmao. ;)
from imatwin :
Thanks!!! I have been running around since I found out trying to 'hustle' some money so that I can actually afford this thing lol.
from cherrygash :
that's good. glad u guys can be friends. can never have too many, right?
from autumnrein :
What would be the purpose of dreaming if dreams weren't meant to come true?:-)-Andrea
from autumnrein :
Hah!! Now if only I could ACT on what I want to do. I think what I described is probably what most men's "type" of girl is. Unfortunatly a lot of us girls don't have the courage to do what we really want to do. You know...us women are supposed to be the sensible ones and all (wink wink)-hehe. But one of these days, Adam....one of these days....-Andrea
from cherrygash :
wow, just caught up on ur diary oh little romeo, you'll find someone irl sometime its fun and exciting to be very electronically accessible but without a physical presence i throughly regard such a relationship as moot its all good though, just dont let urself get too attached to those 'what if's
from gomerx :
Be careful about computer girl...she may be using you via emotional affair...you are way better than that!
from autumnrein :
Not to be pessimistic or anything, but....just be careful.-Andrea
from imatwin :
Perhaps I was exaggerating. We do have food: bread, milk, cereal, soup. The essantials. What I meant is, my parents don't have money for food. I lent my mum some money so she could get some. It sucks because it was the money I had planned to put away from University.
from imatwin :
Haha, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but cool! Sure :)
from imatwin :
Yeah, I love Opera... I know I'm a total weirdo for it, but I just love it.
from cherrygash :
we could room together. im dying to get out. :) tuff situation bud, i hope you find a place soon.
from autumnrein :
Time brings forgiveness.
from cherrygash :
i liked ur last entry. but before, how are the last shreds of your sanity slipping away??
from autumnrein :
Hey there. Sometime this weekend I shall try to explain what I have been (or haven't been) writing the past few months. I'm glad you are still writing. There for awhile you had kind of taken a break and I was worried that you may have quit. Till later:-)-Andrea
from imatwin :
Well, I am an opera diva. XD
from sexyatheist :
he's worth it to me. and the reality is, every relationship has issues. these ones just stem from our distance. if it wasn't this, there would be something else for me to cry about.
from sexyatheist :
yeah, i sometimes worry if this is just how it's going to be. long distance can really suck it sometimes.
from imatwin :
Its cool. I was doing a poor job at being sarcastic :)
from cherrygash :
hopefully on my way there. i really gotta kick my ass to make it though. :) don't we all? this shit's gonna be hard. damnit. lol ur notes are nice.
from imatwin :
Erm, not really. Chris has been with the same guy for five years now. I was annoyed because its the same Kevin who was a complete asshole to me. She's the one that told me to forget about him, but whenever she sees him she acts like they are old friends.
from cherrygash :
thanks.
from cybers1ut :
lmao Sorry to disappoint!
from cybers1ut :
I wonder if everyone, upon seeing my handle, believes my journal is about smut. How disappointing is that to be promised smut and to get whining instead? How emo.
from cybers1ut :
Yeah, my name was done in jest. Heh. Thanks for the vote of encouragement.
from sexyatheist :
NG brought up the boundaries and respect thing and offered some suggestions on how to deal with the things i'm worried about. and you're right and he's right, if you handle it properly it can be alright. it just seems like things can go downhill so fast. we'll see how i feel when it eventually becomes a reality. which is a LONG time for now.
from sexyatheist :
you know, the sex and the sleeping together is pretty awesome. but the fighting about chores and the worrying about money and the need for alone time but not getting it just sounds terrible! i'd rather we each had a place of our own if necessary but still spend a lot of time together.
from comebacktome :
That was definitely the most blunt question I have ever been asked lol. Alas, it's not the funnest topic to discuss- the name for it is in this entry http://comebacktome.diaryland.com/100302_47.html. I suggest googling, then if you have questions, email and I will endeavor to answer. It's somewhat controversial within the medical profession, so I think the more the general public can know, the better. At the same time I won't post a lengthy and somewhat gross explanation unless I have to :)
from comebacktome :
Actually, I kinda like it. But I need to go do my assignment, so let's not get into the whole philosophical discussion of inappropriate labels shall we? :P
from comebacktome :
Don't you just love the symmetry that occurs through this site? Currently my brain is swirling with Pluralia Tantum- is it wrong that I think that sounds sexy?? (It's really not, my masters is basically a fancy linguistics degree). I know that sex kitten doesn't = slut, alas most people associate the two and that makes me grumpy. Hence 'arch sensualist' (I was pretty impressed with the person who came up with that one on the fly lol)- I can deal with that, even if I suspect the reality to be markedly different! But thanks for the notes :)
from comebacktome :
I found this through a mutual sexy friend. I hope you start to feel better. And good on you for trying to get your life back to where you want it to be. I believe you can do it- I think if you can pick up the pieces after someone breaks you, you really are doing the hardest thing you will ever have to do. And you are doing it, even if it feels like a downward spiral, you are doing it. And that is admirable, truly.- From someone else who was broken
from sexyatheist :
right you are my friend. the past is over and it's time to focus on right now. and yes, check out your gym at school! it will probably be free or pretty cheap and there will be hot little students there in tight gym clothes.
from sexyatheist :
the gym is a great place to meet people! and i guess it makes sense, us ladies are wearing very tight clothing. but it's good that you're getting back in shape without needing a gym. i only have one because of school.
from jenniesblog :
hey im back!
from imatwin :
Really??? Well, if only all the things I said came true. Oh what a life I would be leading.
from imatwin :
Well then I hope it turns out alright. lol
from imatwin :
Awh, that sucks. But at least when you get it back it should be good. :)
from imatwin :
I missed you! Even with your comments on facebook :) Good to see you writing again.
from sexyatheist :
glad to have you back my friend. you were missed.
from sexyatheist :
sure! just shoot me an email at [email protected] and i'll send it to you.
from autumnrein :
I know how scary that can be. Sometimes I feel the same way.-Andrea
from sexyatheist :
i know sometimes it can't be helped, but DON'T think about that. that is the worst most horrible thing to think about and it will tear you apart. next time you start, just stop.
from voidedchaos :
i am happy to hear you say you've let go i am still learning how to myself (:
from sexyatheist :
unfortunately it is, isn't it. fuck i can't wait until i feel better. i'm sorry you feel just as terrible as i do right now.
from sexyatheist :
you will. i know it doesn't seem like it now, it doesn't for me either. but eventually we will want to meet someone else. and we will meet someone else. i am sure of it.
from sexyatheist :
well we aren't together but we still talk regularly and i'll still see him when i go home. it's a weird grey area at the moment. we're technically free to be with other people but we still only want each other. it's messed up. and i understand not being able to be friends. i think that can just be too hard when you're still in love with someone.
from sexyatheist :
yeah, but the talking probably fucks things up even more. it's hard to move on when you're really not moving on at all. but i'm a masochist i suppose. and i know exactly how you feel, when he fucks someone else i will be a mess.
from sexyatheist :
sadly not really. my situation just continues to be confusing and fucked up. but hey, that's life right? here's a cyber hug. the best i can do right now.
from sexyatheist :
i appreciate that and in the future i just might take you up on that offer. but for now i'm still too hung up on the ex to do anything with anybody else.
from viva-la-babe :
<3
from autumnrein :
I know you'll survive. You're like that knight in the picture. You won't give up. I shall call Justin sometime this weekend when we are not at work. I'll let him know that I would love to take the dogs for a walk, but then I shall ask him if it is alright to take a walk as friends. He is such a sweet guy that I would like to get to know him better, but...just as a friend. Thank you for the advice. And I love that quote:-)-Andrea
from imatwin :
:)
from sexyatheist :
if only you could offer me help! and when it comes to sex, i've always been open and blunt about it to a fault. as long as i continue to feel horny, i will continue writing about it. good to know it's appreciated.
from sexyatheist :
well i'm glad you liked it! i haven't been able to replicate 10+ times since but i will certainly keep trying. and if i do, i will definitely write about it.
from autumnrein :
I think why people here enjoy reading your diary is because you let yourself feel instead of pretending to be macho and callous like so many men are. It's refreshing to see a man who is...real instead of a robot.:-) You've been at your worst these past few months. Things can only get better from here.
from sexyatheist :
i suppose in some ways it's good. but knowing that you love someone and they love you, but also knowing you can't really be together, kind of sucks. which i think you completely understand.
from fifidellabon :
Hang in there, Tendles, you never know what is just around the corner. xoFifi
from imatwin :
Yeah, I know what you mean. You're totally in the right to be freaked out about it. Its not cool that she's threatening things like that. I just wish you had better luck in love. You're such a great guy. *hugs*
from imatwin :
I hope everything turns out for the better. I know it's hard, but don't worry to bad. H1N1 isn't as bad as the media are making it out to be. And there aren't any meds she could take. As long as she drinks lots of fluids and rests she'll be okay. Doctors aren't giving any meds out for it, at least in Ontario anyway.
from autumnrein :
Yes, most definitely. It's awful when you love someone who is like that. You want to help them of course, but only they can help themselves. Take it easy, and don't be too hard on yourself. Night.-Andrea
from autumnrein :
It sounds like you are in...what I think is called a destructive relationship. And I'm afraid that if you aren't careful she'll bring you down with her....-Andrea
from imatwin :
Yeah, its been a while. Things have been a little hectic on my end, and overall I've been kind of out of it. But yeah, I'm back at school for another two months, and than I'm taking second semester off to do some travelling before I have to go to University. People keep telling me that I should wait until after, but to be honest, people never really do after they graduate. I want to live now, so to speak. How are you? I haven't read your diary in awhile, forgive me :) ~Alex HUGS
from autumnrein :
Thank you so much! Yes, I'm still hoping. If I don't receive a letter by the end of this week, then I'll be calling them and seeing what's up. I'm hoping it's just a matter of them being behind. We'll see what happens. I'm qualified for it, and it's everything I want in a position. It's just a matter of who I'm competing against. I'll keep you posted though:-) I'm sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I keep hoping for a resolution of some sort for you. It seems like you are in limbo and I know that can be an awful place to be. But it will come eventually. In the meantime I'll keep reading and hoping for you:-)-Andrea
from moonlit-eyes :
Thank you for saying that. :)
from starscream77 :
You don't know me, and I don't know you. I was just randomly looking through diary's online, and came to yours. Don't let her go. If you want her with all you have, just don't let her go. Don't LET her walk away, don't LET her push you away. FIGHT with every fibre of your being to make things right. And if she pushes you away and doesn't want any of it? At least you tried. At least you won't have regrets or wonder what could have been. Just...hold on like you've been holding on.
from imatwin :
I hope so too! *does every superstitious thing possible* Please update when you know, I want to know! lol
from bunnymama :
*taps fingers on table* I'm wondering myself...
from bunnymama :
You don't pretend and I don't do superficial. You're very welcome for the note.
from bunnymama :
Hi. I was clicking on random diaries. Yours caught my eye and actually made me cry. But then I read your profile and cried all over again because of this: "How can you learn how to climb a mountain, if you pretend as if it's not sitting there right in front of you?" That really--touched me. I mean, it's so true. And maybe it's what I needed to hear. So, thank you, I guess. My diary is locked, but my old one is bluebouquet if you wanted to know 'who' I am. Bunnymama now, of course. Geez, I'm rambling. Sorry. And thanks again.
from autumnrein :
I am sorry you are going crazy. I know how that feels. If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. I don't know where abouts you live, but I talk to another friend from diaryland over the phone. It's kind of fun actually...hearing each other's voices. I'm open to it if you need someone to keep you sane...or to just vent to. I'm a good sounding board.-lol(rolls her eyes). Do you like to read? Go to the movies? Volunteer somewhere? Visit family? Play a game with a friend either real or imaginary? Just throwing out a bunch of ideas that might help keep you busy. Goodnight.-Andrea
from unclockwise :
I have enough hope for two. Promise. :)
from unclockwise :
I feel compelled to hope the best for you. I really do.
from imatwin :
lol, it's okay. Thank you though. I'm sorry if I offended you earlier. I've been a bit... out of it. Lots of hugs!
from imatwin :
Like I said, I understand where your coming from. I'm sorry if I said anything that hurt you, I didn't mean to. I admire you for holding on, for being such a strong person. Perhaps its just in my nature to let go of things, I don't know. Sorry...
from imatwin :
I wanted to come on here and say some really positive things. But to be honest I am so exhausted, that I just don't think it will come out right. All I can say, is that time heals all wounds. Now, I think you have to wait for her to see her breaking point. To have that moment where she realizes she has had enough. It's up to her now. And although it seems impossible for you to just let go, because you love her, she has do it. At least, that's what I'm getting when I hear your situation. I'm thinking of you, and I'm mentally giving you a big ol' hug.
from autumnrein :
P.S. I'm sorry I was rather cynical and negative in that first post. I was assuming things based on my past experiences. Just because someone has had a similar experience doesn't mean yours will turn out the same way. I hope you both can overcome this, because then that will give me hope, too:-)
from autumnrein :
That is a good thing then...to know that she cares. I think what I would do then...is tell her that no matter what you will always be there for her when she needs you. I think a person can still let go, and yet...love some one. In fact...some will say that you don't truely love someone until you let them go. It's like letting a bird fly free, ya know? I'm sorry you both are in pain. But...maybe...if you two are meant to be together...maybe this is meant to make your bond stronger. I think when a person stops hoping, they stop living. So...always hope. You never have to give up if you don't want to.-Andrea
from autumnrein :
Your situation is so similar to what I went through with my best friend; it is almost scary. I could scream at you to let her go, but I know that won't work because I've screamed at myself to do the same thing and it didn't work. But one day you will get so tired of the cycle to the point where you will never want to speak to her again or even think of her. I know you think that's impossible right now, but eventually you will get there and then you are free. It sounds mean to think that way. But people who love you shouldn't make you unhappy. They shouldn't drive you crazy either. People who love you will do anything to try and make you happy. They are so selfless that it is impossible to think of themselves. This girl doesn't seem to see the pain she is causing you. If she is going through a tough situation, then I think the best thing would be to give her time (like a year...not a couple weeks) to get through it on her own without dragging you down with her She sounds awfully selfish to me. I know you might not be able to see it because you are literally blinded by love for her. One day though you will choose to remove the blindfold and see that you are in a destructive relationship. I sound like a preacher, but if you haven't heard this from someone else, you've at least heard it from me. And if you have heard this a million times, forgive me. As soon as you remove that blindfold, you won't be lost anymore.-Andrea
from imatwin :
I can relate to you. It's such a difficult thing to let go of a person especially because you love the person they used to be. It's hard to think that the person you loved is gone forever, and it was completely out of your control. Just hang in there. :) hugs!!!!
from autumnrein :
What can I say? All I can do is smile at your last entry. You have so much courage and self-confidence. Trust me, girls love that. And never forget that you always have the right to be happy. If you feel it is time to move on, then way to go! Thank you for the compliment on Ocean. :-)-Andrea
from autumnrein :
Hi. I feel really bad for you. I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain a bit, but I don't know what that would be. Take all the time you need though to grieve. Listen to your heart rather than your mind. It's a lot more truthful. Staying busy? How's the job at the college bookstore goin'? -Andrea
from viva-la-babe :
You know, I never thought I'd actually completely and full-heartedly agree with every single word or phrase in your entries. And now I do. Sigh. well, i still love you adam. :)
from autumnrein :
I heard someone say once that a person isn't who they are during their last conversation with you. They are who they always have been. It takes about a year to finally heal and feel the attachment break. It is not a bad thing. It's...freedom. From my own experience, this is the way it is with online relationships. It's this constant limbo between feeling as if everything is the way it should be and then all of us sudden out of the clear blue things shatter. It goes back and forth like that until finally, yes, you do feel like you are losing your mind. Things will get better, and that's great that you are working at the college bookstore. Perfect place to meet people in person. It does get easier. Don't try to fight the thoughts of her. Just let them come. The mind is a funny thing. The more you try to control it, the more it controls you. So, just try and keep busy and live in the moment as much as possible. Good luck with your book! Writing is tons of fun.-Andrea
from imatwin :
:( huggles...
from emileefreeky :
*huuuugs* :(
from imatwin :
Haha, I've almost done it a million times.
from imatwin :
Do what you have to, to make you happy. As much as you want to keep things with this girl (I don't remember her name, sorry), you have to do what makes you happy.
from emileefreeky :
adam adam adam :D
from imatwin :
I will, I will. I just don't want to get my hopes up. I mean saying that I plan on doing it, and actually doing it is two very different things. And eventually I will. I just have to get into Uni first. lol.
from imatwin :
It would be the life! It's just like I've always dream of having a recording studio in a shed in my backyard. Get up in the morning, make meself some breakfast, and just crank out some music. It would be a blast. You put it best, I can dream :)
from imatwin :
I know right? My cat is a whore. She's already had ten kittens (three litters) and is pregnant again. We can't fix her because we are poor, plus it's my brother's cat. And for some reason that means we can do nothing for it. *rolls eyes*
from imatwin :
*devours the cupcake, and hands kitten back* I've already got four, and have more on the way! lol.
from imatwin :
*manages to smile... a little*
from imatwin :
Oh, and it's so good that your in a better place. I worry about you, my friend. You are so much like my brother in the sense that the past sometimes gets the best of you. I hope you understand what I'm saying. *huggzies* XD
from imatwin :
Haha, I got an e-mail saying I had a new note - and man did I have a note! lol. Trust me, I don't think I could ever truly give up on singing. I just sometimes wonder if going the Univeristy rout is really what I want. I mean I've always wanted to go to University, and singing is what I'm best at, but it just seems that no matter how hard I try nothing works out. But I won't give up. I don't think I know how. There are few - one or two things - in my life that I've managed to move on from. So I don't plan on quitting any time soon. And don't worry about not reading my entries. It's nice to know that you have, but I've sort of come to the point where I just write what ever I need to say and I'm good. Seeing it in writing just makes things make sense in my head.
from imatwin :
I know :)
from imatwin :
You can make it through, hun. Look what you've gone through already, and survived? You're a survivor. You can make it through anything. Big bug hugs!!! (even though bugs are quite simply... gross).
from fifidellabon :
Hang in there, Tendles, you're not alone. I do hope that things work out. xoFIFI
from voidedchaos :
I tried to vote not sure if it worked or not...good luck all the same! I thought it was very good story. :)
from adelnye :
Attempted to leave you a rating, but it wouldn't work. I was very pleasantly surprised by the story... esp. since I only 'know' you through your journal in D-Land... It is nice to know that glimmer of hope still lives in you, no matter how tiny it is.
from voidedchaos :
i hope that you already know if she does not want to work it out then that is not the quality of a relationship you deserve. as sad as this sounds it is better to get this over with now because if you didnt solve the problems this time it would have just kept recurring and wasted your life when you can spend that time with someone else. it took me too long to learn this and i did not get anywhere with dating until i let go and start to have more fun. wish you the best!
from imatwin :
Thank you's are not needed. Love may not be your friend, but your not the only one out there. Everyone is struggling along with you. Including me :) Lots of love and hugs goes your way!!! :)
from autumnrein :
My diaryland buddies are sad today. Tomorrow will be a better day though; I'm sure of it. Hugs to you all back:-)-Andrea
from autumnrein :
Long distance relationships of any kind are very hard. I had a best friend online once, and after four years of what I thought was a lifetime friendship, it did not end good. You are right in the fact that it is the communication problem that is even more profound with online relationships. It is hard enough to communicate with those we know in person. If you truely believe she is the one, then she is. But if she isn't the one, then at least you know that someone out there is waiting for you just like you are for her. It will happen. Wishes do come true. And you are only defeated if you let yourself be. -Andrea
from voidedchaos :
Well we can't exactly say you're lucky in love. I hope this time it is easier for you to heal. <3
from imatwin :
I'm sorry hun :( There isn't really anything I can say. Hope you feel better, love. ~Alex
from imatwin :
You are too cute. This is so exciting!! As soon as it is posted or whatever lemme know so I can vote. This is so cool, Adam. :)
from rainbowqueen :
yo, good luck, keep me updated, so I can vote for you! : )
from imatwin :
You're too cute. How did I make you tear up? To be honest, I can't help but stay positive for you. Love has to work out for someone out there, or I will loose any kind of hope. Besides I don't see love working out in my life any time soon. :) You'll work things out. Hugs!!!
from imatwin :
Well, I can understand that. I just don't go on quite as often as I used to because I am too busy and my mother lives on the computer nowadays talking to exboyfriends and doing whatever the fuck else she does. It's good to hear from you though, even if it isn't all good. Communication is always a major thing in relationships, but to be honest with you, you can't let it get you down. I'm sure once your face to face, in each others arms things will be different. A huge part of communication for a person is body language. That can solve a whole lot issues if you ask me. Just keep your chin up, and your mind on the prize a.k.a seeing the girl you love. :) Hugs!
from imatwin :
Yah passport!!!!! You haven't been on in a while to tell me how you are... :)
from imatwin :
Oh, yeah, I get that. It's only $100 here to get your passport, but yeah, that is still a lot of money.
from imatwin :
How much does it cost to get a passport???? Good luck by the way. I'm glad things are in motion and you're determined.
from addict-in-me :
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
from imatwin :
What's going on? I haven't heard from you in a long time. Feels like everything is sort of falling apart. Hope it's not the same for you :) And that everything is well with your new gal. Haha. Huggeroo's ~Alex
from addict-in-me :
Dude, slow down. Stop sweating every thing, go with the flow man. Look shot me a emial [email protected]
from imatwin :
It's good to know!! Hope things are good... :)
from addict-in-me :
Supernatural aye !! WoW I hope it turns out for the best, I would hate to see you soul shattered. It's nothing like you would ever imagine, horrible it is.
from addict-in-me :
Well I hope every goes well for your new found purpass. Don't let her get into your head, souls shatter and it take a long time to recover.
from addict-in-me :
LOL yeah cold turkey is no fun But I am on my 3rd day now and wow I think I am going to do it.
from emileefreeky :
adam i dont hate all guys :) your last entry made me smile so much.. i am very very happy for you :) xxxxxxxx
from addict-in-me :
I am glad to entertain my peeps : D
from imatwin :
Your welcome! I haven't been on DL much either. I've been so busy and I get so exhausted by school. Thankfully my grades are the highest they have been ever :) Just a lot... a lot of growing up worries have been bothering me lately. And yeah... I'm goodish. :)
from imatwin :
Just remember your doing this for yourself, and not for anyone else. Your happiness is more important than the world, and if being with her makes you happy then that is what you should do. :) Hugs!
from addict-in-me :
Hopefully things do work out for you, I like the way you think.
from imatwin :
That sucks hun. But love is hard, and I know that you'll figure something out. Lot's of hugs! ~Alex
from imatwin :
I haven't talked to you in ages! I've sort of been getting behind in my postage. Haha. How are you darling? How is the 'situation'? Have a missed anything important in your life? =) Lots of hugs!
from hijayxx :
"What a luck" i mean..
from hijayxx :
"..unless she learns to talk what will probably never happen." i read your entry, and man, the same happened to me. A few are born nice, live as bitches and die being them. I guess that is the way things are. What a look womankind has such beautiful other specimen : - ) No need to be stuck but it is a real blow to the heart and soul. Isnt it? With certain nasty people one simply can not deal. No way. Unless you accept being a doormat.
from voidedchaos :
im sorry that you have had such horrible experiences in life and i hope things start to look up for you and these women you refer to. when i read stories like yours i can only be even more grateful for my own life. in a perfect world everyone would feel safe, and i can only hope we will get there some day.
from imatwin :
I'm learning :)
from hijayxx :
"need", not "mean" Ah well, whatever
from hijayxx :
Does not mean to concern you. Rob a bank, get a loan or sth.
from imatwin :
Yeah, after I wrote about that any crush like feelings toward ended. I hope everything is going well for ya! :) hugs
from autumnrein :
Your username intrigued me and so I clicked on your journal expecting to read only one entry. I have no idea what situation you are in right now, but I can relate to your feelings almost as if I had written your entries. May I add you to my buddy list and keep reading?-Andrea
from hijayxx :
*hihi* No, I ain't got these strong ties to the para military at the moment..
from hijayxx :
Best wishes, man.
from hijayxx :
Hi, what's exactly the cause and nature of the suffering taking place? Maybe I can help (though it's unlikely). You ain't that specific. greetings to hell
from voidedchaos :
its probably mean to say so but i do hope thats true im running out of things to cherish in life. Thanks for the advice. & yes, yes you do =p
from imatwin :
I can't even type properly!!!
from imatwin :
Haha yeah, you have no idea how run down emotionally and pyshically right now. Let's just say the past few weeks have not been fun - and you know why :/ I hope everything is good with you and your other Cunuck girl :) I haven't been able to keep up with your diary much *feels guilty* Lots of love! ~Alex <3
from fifidellabon :
Mais je suis PAS Francaise! /Fifi
from fifidellabon :
Bah, I am boring, thank you! I see that we have something in common. I also am expert in evading to answer questions! /Fifi
from fifidellabon :
Hey, 'Tendles, Fifi here. I've searched your archives a bit to try to get sort of a picture of who you are. I simply must ask a few possibly rude questions because I am insatiably curious. How old are you? Do you live in the middle part of the country. (You read as an American, so I am presuming that you are one...) Any brothers and/or sisters? Thanks a mil! /Fifi. Pee Ess, Congrats on the new GF!
from vxxen :
(True love is real, for I have found it in your eyes, your smile, your heart) ~ maybe it could be... <i fall in love with you everyday, every time i look in your eyes, look at your smile, and your heart.> ?? just a thought..Good Luck! and congratulations! :)
from voidedchaos :
Well everyone is going to die eventually but i cant exactly say i would be surprised if someone did try to assassinate him. There are always going to be people who disagree just because: thats just life, but it's unfortunate that it has to be on something that is such an important issue. It really is too bad that people cannot put aside their hatred & differences especially in this time.
from imatwin :
If your talking about Nicole, I wouldn't go as far as calling her a bitch. She has issues, is all. I've known her pretty much my entire life, and though I get annoyed with most of the things she does, she is still extremely nice and a complete product of her parents. I'm over the whole situation now. Completely. I'm pretty much done talking about it. You know what I mean? But, yeah don't worry about getting behind in my entries. I'm behind in about everything that I do. lol. :D *huggies*
from voidedchaos :
Yeah it is so much more fun & worthwhile than buying one. I am happy with the outcome of the election as well though I wish I could say the same for my own country. It is a huge milestone for the US hopefully there will be more to come
from herdarlinsin :
In reference to your question of "wtf is wrong with people?".. were you talking about the hospital staff?
from gr8chick :
Hey, luv, how's it going? Thanks for the note the other day. I know I have to just finally make that break, but it's so scary! Something will change, something's gotta give, it's only a matter of time. Sounds like you are on the upswing of something great (going by that beautiful poem you posted). I wish you all the happiness. Thanks again for keeping in touch. I really appreciate it. Happy Halloween!
from voidedchaos :
No you didnt but i appreciate the input :)
from imatwin :
Oh yeah. Gangs are the reason why my brother got screwed and went to jail for something he didn't do. There are the crips, the bloods, and then there are the Hell's Angels in my city. Of course it's not anything crazy, like out of mob movie, but there are major drug problems. My city has the highest crack rating in the province. It's something we pride ourselves on :) ---that was totally a joke. But yeah, I completely understand. I try to talk to you in real time, but I have no time!! :D ~Alex huggies *not the diaper. haha...
from imatwin :
I don't even know what you said... maybe because your always so positive when it comes to others lives, but not you own. I don't know. And about liking that boy... I am so over it. Sort of. XD
from imatwin :
Haha. Your too funny. [=
from imatwin :
Well, it's only fanfiction readers... not that cool.
from viva-la-babe :
sarcasm? elaborate?
from deez-nuts :
If you want a real woman, the first step would be to stop hanging out with women who treat you like shit.
from imatwin :
It makes me so happy when I read your diary and see that you have put my name as one of your friends. XD
from imatwin :
Yeah, well, I can't get it now. My boss has forbade me, and I don't have the cash. Oh well, I can always get it after KFC. If I ever leave the damned place! How have you been? You haven't updated in a while... Hugs!
from viva-la-babe :
what are you talking about?
from imatwin :
Hey, I missed you too. I'm glad your gaining some ground with Amanda, and that your staying so positive about things. I know things with your parents are crap, but try and not focus on that. Look to people you know you can count on. *bughugs* (remember that one :P) ~Alex <3
from voidedchaos :
Even though I don't know you very well but just from dL I'm proud of you for staying even a little optimistic. Sometimes families think (like mine and yours) & act as if nothing serious is happening & they think that not paying attention will make it go away. I think that's the sort of thing that makes them fall apart so easily. I suppose you don't want advice any more than an ear & shoulder to cry on but from personal experience of mine you can be much happier with yourself if you accept others just as much. And I know when you feel like you have nowhere to go & nobody cares it's hard...this is why I've been on dLand for so many years. Nobody is going to shoot you down & I'm always here for my DL friends as they are for me ♥
from emileefreeky :
i <3 adam
from iamstillme :
There you are :)
from imatwin :
Adam, are you okay? What's happening?
from emileefreeky :
i miss you more ): xxxXX
from iamstillme :
I think I just stopped wanting to say anything...for now :) btw...hi
from iamstillme :
Adam? You're welcome :)
from iamstillme :
Hi, I don't write anymore, however, I log in, just to read you...Sherri :)
from moonlit-eyes :
Hey, sorry, I just got around to checking my notes. Scott and I broke up (ha, like we were ever officially back together) in April. It was a really, really good thing. There was no talking or crying necessary, it was just hard to completely cut him out of my life. Lots of immaturity from him there, so it really disappointed me, but all is well. I have a much, much, much better boy who really clicks with me and we have lots of fun together. Scott and I ended a very long time ago, I just didn't want to accept it. We hadn't been in an official relationship since 2007. At some point you have to stand up and stop treating yourself like crap and go out and get what you deserve, especially if this other person was someone you clicked with from the start... so, there we are. I hope you're doing well, and that this latest decision of yours goes well. And if you miss talking to me, I still have the same phone number, crazy. :p
from viva-la-babe :
i thought you were "so f-ing done it's not even funny?"
from viva-la-babe :
oh my god.
from emperorincxt :
soo, have you re-read your last entry from a week ago? I know Im a stranger, but uhh.. be careful, man. the circle of life is one thing, a destructive cycle is another.
from elliestuff :
move on...that means you need to get up and dance. use that energy of yours. do good things. try an arepa. read a good book. check out the library. buy a kid an ice cream cone. well, somewhere out there i'm sure you'll bump into something good.
from imatwin :
Good, I'm proud of you. :D *hugs* ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Like I said before Adam, it's time to move on.
from imatwin :
All the reason to forget her, Adam. If she makes you this miserable. *hugs* ~Alex <3
from viva-la-babe :
k.
from gr8chick :
omg...never underestimate the power of oral satisfaction! Wish you could put THAT on a resume!!!
from cherrygash :
thanks.
from viva-la-babe :
YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY TALKING TO HER?!! 'A LENGTHY CONVERSATION'?!? THAT EFFING SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE TALKING TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
from viva-la-babe :
. . .
from viva-la-babe :
LIAR!!!
from imatwin :
That is really great to hear, Adam. I'm so happy for you. You're getting the things you want. I know how you feel about patients, but eventually you'll reach that goal you want, and it will all be worth it. I still don't like that girl, Amanda I think her name was? She is waaay to chaotic for you, something you honestly don't need. Try and find yourself a girl who has a firm head on her shoulders. I know it's hard, but you deserve someone who won't twist your arm. *motherly hugs* ~Alex
from imatwin :
Yeah!!!!! Your like, lighter then me now. lol. Not true, but it's how I feel. But I'm really happyy for you! You have been working so hard, you deserve that number. Lots of hugs Alex :D
from voidedchaos :
whats so funny? =p I dont know maybe Im not on it as much as you are
from imatwin :
That is just strange... I suppose if people thought that about me they wouldn't talk to me. Besides, we already work with one guy who would probably do just that. :D Thanks by the way, about the poem. It was kind of short and random. ~Alex (HUGS)
from imatwin :
That's what I thought about telling our customers at work. That all our tomatoes will kill you. Haha. Well, KFC in general will probably kill you. Lmao.
from voidedchaos :
you send me too many notes i can`t keep up lol
from imatwin :
Yeah, I know. I'm good. I've been really busy with work and school. I've sort of lost any energy I used to have to write in here everyday. I've sort of lost track with your diary. Sorry :( How have you been? Still dealing with the whole break up thing. *HUGS* ~Alex
from emileefreeky :
aww (: GO ADAM!! :D xxxx
from imatwin :
Yeah, but I think she's okay. Thinking about that now, I'm going to go call her. Tata!
from emileefreeky :
im so proud of you :D it makes me feel... all emotional :D im in the library and the lights keep flickering... :O LYxx
from imatwin :
No you miss nothing! I am going to be a horrible lawyer.
from megsworld2 :
aw..that's so sad. hang in there.
from imatwin :
You shouldn't relish in her misery. And I'm glad you do. It means you don't have a stone heart.
from emileefreeky :
well... ,maybe, i cant after all :/ shut up adam.. i win because.. i do (: >> hugs + five X 4859305867483022935988673845c739548 . you can beat that number, because it has a 'c' in the middle of it (: alright mate?? XXXXX<3
from voidedchaos :
what? =\
from signomifly :
5/25 - One day you WILL find someone who loves as much and as deeply as you do. Oddly, we all have to go through the experience of heartache after heartache -- I guess they say so we can really know what love is and what it feels like to lose it. I think it's rubbish...pain is pain no matter how it's served. But just be patient...love WILL come to you.
from emileefreeky :
(:
from emileefreeky :
... hugs, infinity plus ONE... million
from emileefreeky :
i dont. X
from emileefreeky :
*hugshugshugs* more ): xxX
from imatwin :
I know :D
from emileefreeky :
im glad i used it in the right context... :/ i dont even know what i said... :/ adam,, i hope youre okay ): i miss you millions xxxxxx
from viva-la-babe :
hardy har har. it's fine, thank you very much. (:
from megsworld2 :
aw..thats so sweet. all the best.
from green-kiwis :
it seems that the best way to get through it might be to give her some space. break ups suck, but fighting is even worse!
from theways :
the "i don't understand" entry of yours make me thing sooo much of the song "losing you" from this guy --> www.myspace.com/bradcohen
from flarets :
Hey, random person here, you express your thoughts clearly on paper. It seems they're difficult to articulate though. Don't worry, that just takes time. It isn't better than nothing, by the way, going back to her. You lose self esteem by having someone mistreat you. When you get over the withdrawal symptoms, you'll like being independent again. At least, I did.
from imatwin :
good to hear :D
from imatwin :
Bahahahahah... that was funny. Okay, I'm just always worried that I'm offending someone when I say stuff. Hehehe. *hugs* ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I mean it in the kindest way possible. I'm just referring to the fact that Canada is a multi-cultural country - it's what were proud of. It's part of our identity. I don't really know how to explain myself without sounding really rude :/ Let's just forget it :) (Hugs) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
You are soo American. XP
from megsworld2 :
poking me with a stick..what's that for? hope you are having a good weekend.
from imatwin :
lol, yeah me to. It is getting a little annoying.
from imatwin :
Is that a good thing? ...We haven't talked in a long time. Hoope your happy! ~Alex
from elliestuff :
Isn't that what you've wanted??? Glad the back is better.
from neeeeek :
Positive testing on the HLA27B antigen means you are likely to have it. Every two hundreth person got it, mostly young men catch it.
from neeeeek :
Hey man, when your back pain persists (for 2 weeks or so), you better go and see a rheumatologist. It might be Morbus Bechterew, a disease that can occur in young men (I got it) and that can turn your life into a living hell. Dicloflenac pills works against it (as pre treatment), but they affect your stomach so you mihgt need stomach protection pills as well. Swimming helps as well. Good luck, bro!
from elliestuff :
sorry about your back, but i hope you had some fun.
from imatwin :
Your not alone!!! I'm here! *bighuggles*
from herdarlinsin :
Just one question... why would you even talk to her to begin with? It seems that the more you talk to her the she antagonizes you and the situation. Myspace is Myspace.. I would have just deleted her as a friend, and left it alone. The blocking was not that important to me. But then thats just me thinking aloud.
from rainbowqueen :
*poke!* Hey, I hope you are feeling better than your last entry!!! *HUGGLEZ**
from emileefreeky :
oh shit, and now you have a really wide page :/ sorry adam. please delete as you wish :D xxxxxx
from emileefreeky :
cantgetongooglemailcantgetongooglemailcantgetongooglemailcantgetongooglemailcantgetongooglemailcantgetongooglemailcantgetongooglemailcantgetongooglemail.. OH EM GEE..hyperventilate.. adam!! i MISS you! ): xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from okrosieposie :
Ugh! Why are relationships so HARD? I mean, both parties usually are going for the SAME thing. When you break it down to the basic of it, each person wants the same thing: to love and be loved. I guess it's just the way we go about doing things to eventually get there that ends up complicating everything. It's funny: usually we always give the blame to the other person, saying, "I don't know why she does that! Why she's like that? Why blah blah blah?" But then, they're probably equally frustrated with us. Hahaha. Like, we make it seem it's all of their fault, yet on the other side, they're feeling the exact same way. We never think that it may be us. It's a strange, yet realistic concept, huh? Ughhh...too much work :[ I just want to have what we obviously are having. Just stop pretending.
from okrosieposie :
Oh, wow. Ok. You pretty much summed up my life in a couple of lines. Ridiculous. I completely agree with you. It's a matter of knowing how badly you want it and how much you're willing to give in. If you're willing to let yourself be vulnerable and let your guard down and take the chance of getting hurt...something that I have a lot of trouble doing. Which is probably why most of my relationships go awry eventually...Sigh.
from okrosieposie :
I understand you and feel the same way at times. I wish I didn't care...or have to care. I wish I could set my words in stone and actually mean what I say. Like, when say that I've been tired of playing games and don't want to do it anymore? Yeah...apparently, I'm in round 4 of this match? I don't know if it's because I'm a pushover or because there's actually something there holding me on. Either way, your diary is one of my favorites and it made me realize that I'm not the only one going through what I'm feeling, but in understanding from your diary, he's feeling something, too. He has feelings, as well. So, the torture and feelings and pain is mutual. Technically. It takes two, right?
from okrosieposie :
You made me realize that men have feelings too. I don't know why...but your diary made me really realize that. Thank you. Keep writing :]
from emileefreeky :
adam.. youre wonderful really. xxxxxxx
from imatwin :
Haapppy!!!! For you!
from jenniesblog :
Good thing you didn't get to deep! Shit love sucks anyway!!
from imatwin :
I'm sorry things didn't work out. But it's good that your stopping now, and moving on before it sucks. *hugs* ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
I dont understand why she did that. Maybe cherryglaze is right, you're just attracted to wrong types of girls, or you both just moved too fast....i dont know, maybe im wrong... nobody knows what the future holds....*gives a pat on your shoulder*
from cherryglaze :
If she's equating you with her ex husband because you got mad a couple of times, then this girl has serious issues. People get mad. People yell. People argue. If she's too immature to have a rational discussion with you and instead goes out driving drunk and other dumb shit to get attention, she's a flake, and you deserve much better. You're just attracted to the wrong kinds of girls, sugar tits! :) It'll get better. *HUGS*
from imatwin :
Hahahaha... I said bug hugs. ^_^
from imatwin :
It's good that you managed to some what work it out. I do think you need to breathe a little - I understand why you raised your voice, I would do the same. You just have to think, okay, I know this, and what I can do to avoid her getting more upset. :D It's good that you both understand where you are at in your lives, that money is short (never come into KFC, we will rob you! lol), but you still like each other, and just hanging out is fine. Just keep trying to make it work, that's all you can do. *Bug Hugs* ~Alex
from aileenp :
eventhough she's raising her voice at u, u should not be doing the same just to show her 'this' is what exactly she's behaving (as well). the fact that she had an abusive ex-husband, it might cause her emotional shock (trauma). one has to make little sacrifices. God Bless.
from emileefreeky :
ohh adaam.... ): *BIGFATHUUUG* <3
from imatwin :
It's like they've become a modern day verison of Rome. But I think Canada is at risk of going down the same path. We like to pride ourselves in saying were neighbor's to the US but were nothing like them which is a lie. We could be so much better in retrospect. We aren't doing anything for our environment, and were still in a war that no one agrees with, etc. We're taking steps, but little baby ones.
from imatwin :
See I think you just pointed out the major difference in our arguments. You live in the US, where it's a more conservative and I live in Canada which is fairly Liberal. Here we recognize our differences and multi-culturalism and take pride in it. I'm not saying we're perfect, and the US sucks. I'm just trying to explain the differences.
from imatwin :
I agree completely. I know what your saying and understand. I was raised in church, going every Sunday and to youth group until I was fourteen years old when I decided I no longer wished to go every Sunday. It was partially because I had lost my faith in Christianity and partially because my favourite pastor left the church (not good reasons, I know). I see the good and the bad that's come from religion. I've just never felt a whole great deal of dislike towards it. It is what it is. I think it's up to the person of how much they want religion to control their lives. In the end it's just that; the persons choice.
from imatwin :
I know there are other options. I've been in this situation hundreds of times before (well, not hundreds, but you get the point), and I've just learned how to go on. One day, yeah, I'll be lucky and get a guy who likes me back. I'm fine with all that. I suppose. Religion. Hohum. I'm not so against religion. I think it's an amazing thing looking at it from the outside. As well, I think it's all about interpretation. How you read the bible and it's teaching can be totally different from someone else. I haven't decided quite where I am on the whole grand scale of things. But I think that's something I'll learn in time.
from aileenp :
Finally.....im soo happy for all good things happening to you...
from imatwin :
So true! Toes aren't really all that important ;) Haha. Yeah, there is still snow on the ground. In fact, it's snowing as I type. But it's wet snow :/ So that isn't cool.
from imatwin :
Happy Easter to you too! I don't really celebrate it, but my family does. Hope you have fun at the beech. I think if I went to the beech today I would get frostbite. Haha.
from aileenp :
Happy Easter!!! Thanks btw.
from twominus1 :
Hey, I am so sorry for taking so long to reply to your notes. I'm glad I've managed to figure some things out. Jean and I are still friends, and I have a feeling it will stay that way for a while. I've missed a lot of the things that have happened in your life. It seems that some great things have happened to you! Don't worry about messing up. If you just let things go with the flow, sit back, and relax, I have a feeling all things will fall into place. Good luck! (Just saying that now because who knows when I'll be back on here)
from imatwin :
Hehehe... I just realized I put 'bug hugs' instead of 'big hugs'. Haha.
from imatwin :
I know the feeling of the fear of screwing up. But I tell you now, don't over think it. It can be easy if you let it be. I know how hard it is to over come that. I still haven't been quite able to. But I think you can. I KNOW you can. *BUG HUGS* ~Alex
from imatwin :
You have no idea how extremely happy I am for you!!!! This girl sounds great. She didn't play games with you. This is a keeper. Well, not to get ahead or anything. Hehe XD I hope the good keeps coming to you honey, you waited for it, and it has come. *Knock on wood* Don't wanna jinx any of this. *hugs* ~Alex
from cherrygash :
It is good to hear your news and that your spirits are up! Just remember that everything comes with time. I am happy for you!
from jenniesblog :
Glad to hear that you are having fun!!
from jenniesblog :
You haven't updated for 3 days so you must be having a lot of fun!! You so need it!!
from aileenp :
just a few more days workout....and you're there!! ;)
from cherrygash :
Thank you for the note. I really appreciate it. cG
from imatwin :
I'm not really sure of what to tell you right now except I'm sorry that all this is happening. I know how hard it is to make lasting friends, but I suppose at the same time I'm in a different situation then you are. Hope you feel better soon. *BIG HUGS* ~Alex
from aileenp :
hayaa..i dont know ah,but i cant see any reason for anyone not to like you as a friend (at least).you seem nice friendly and..all that. ^_^
from aileenp :
ya,i agree we're both in d same page right now. I hate it when something unexpectedly pops up dat makes us remember d one. Bittersweet memories. :(
from imatwin :
Haha, yeah. I guess. Maybe. I don't know. I doubt he has feeling for me. It's very improbable. But he makes me happy for now, and I'm sure it will all pass soon and we'll just be friends. I hope :D Thanks! *hugs*
from imatwin :
Right now I'm just trying to take it as it comes. If it doesn't work out at least I got some kind of experience and always get a better job some where else. My mom is being really understanding and helpful with it all - which kind of surprises me a little - so hopefully in a few months time all this will make sense and everyone will sort themselves out at work. We got two new managers, that's mostly why everything is so screwed up. Oh, and don't let that girl get you down. Keep your chin up. Life has a way of sorting itself out. *hugs* ~Alex <3
from viva-la-babe :
i got my phone.
from cherrygash :
1 more. just=*used...man i need sleep..
from cherrygash :
job=*jog...sorry..geez.
from cherrygash :
i know what you mean. i just to job a lot, but it's bad on your knees and other things i've heard. lol anyway, yes i wish i had someone to work out with too...no one seems to want to fit in the time, so that's what i'm stuck with i guess. i would swim everyday if i could. i guess if i looked into it i could go to like a ymca to do that, but i dunno how good the pools would be...i've just been lazy, so maybe i'll check into it! Here's to your Health!! cG
from cherrygash :
oh i walk, do cardio like kick-boxing and am trying to get myself into the habit of going to a dance class.
from imatwin :
Move to Cananda! :D My brother and his friends would mesh with you so well. Seriously. You remind me so much of him. I hope you get better soon, get back on your feet. *hugs* ~Alex <3333
from imatwin :
I've decided its just easier to push it to the back of my mind. So HE is not important. :D I hope it becomes second nature, or I'm screwed.
from imatwin :
Haha. That's right, you are under my 'command'. Lmao, that just made me laugh so hard. Hope you feel better soon! *hugs* ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
Awww... I'm sorry your so sick. *hands over some medicine, and tucks you into bed* Sleep! And don't work to hard (I know, I'm aware of how difficult that is for you in your situation). Big hugs. *patpat* Go to sleep! ~Alex <333
from cherrygash :
holy moly- my computer is slower than molases tonite. anyway, thx for tha note. i know what you mean about being fit!! i feel so much better, phsyically-mentally-spiritually when i am. well, this could work out to be a good thing, us trying to be fit at the same time! lol when we're just plain lazy we'll just have to tell eachother to eat our asses outta bed! ;) cG
from imatwin :
Haha. I'm glad I could make you feel better. I do try to get on yahoo, but you know me, I often loose my brain :D I actually haven't eaten anything from KFC since I started working there. Not even the stuff my mom brings home. I actually feel really good about it just because it was something I was worried about when I started to work there. But yeah, congradulations on the hardcore workout! Haha. *hugs* ~Alex <33
from cherrygash :
I'm glad you're feeling better. Working out helps a lot too, that's what i'll be doing more of soon. oh, summer...
from aileenp :
They told you...."its not you"....:p
from imatwin :
It has nothing to do with you. It is the internet - that it's nature. You can have all these friends on the internet but because you need the internet to keep in touch it can seem that way. For me it's hard for me to get on the internet every day now that I have a job and I'm in grad eleven. I always have homework! But if I could I would talk to you every day. And if I could I would hang out with you every day as well :) Don't ever think it's you. Because it isn't. No way :D *hugs* <33
from imatwin :
Oh, okay. Silly me :) <3 *hugs*
from cherrygash :
Ok, friends...people...sometimes just don't make enough time for other people...because..they get caught up in the world and their priorities get flushed in the mix. I've learned, that when this happens to me, it's not me. At first, I thought it was. And I remember trying so hard to look at other people and try to fix what it was about me that i couldn't attain a good, or lasting friendship. everyone's different, and some people need people more than other things. i am one of those people who need that contact and interaction, so i can sympathize. I'm sorry, and I know it's rough. but please, Please, don't start buying into the lies that it's you, it's because of you or something about you that this is happening. It's NOT. You'll be in my prayers. cG
from cherrygash :
lol, every time i go to ur profile to leave a note i look at what you put down by my name, and it makes me laugh. i'm not really that violent, most of the time! anyway, thanks for the note of encouragement. I am right now working in the restaurant business, so i totally know how you're feeling on that one, and i envy you. haha, i am looking for a diff. job but it might be awhile before something comes up. i've pretty much just decided to NOT care anymore at my job. 1) I'm not picking up anyone else's slack 2) If someone doesn't want to listen then they're going down for it, so I'll just let it play out 3) I'm not listening to anyone except the managers, even power tripping hosts or demanding servers, I'll do it the way i've been told by the managers. :) This is what I've come to realize and i'm not going down for someone else's bs. Thank you very much! have a good one. ;) cG
from voidedchaos :
Haha that's not so bad! I'll admit I could use a few of those myself but I just start small & gradually get bigger things i guess...
from voidedchaos :
Why? What would be on your wishlist?
from emileefreeky :
you have a workout date.. you have a workout date.. you have a workout date... :D yay! i hope it goes really well adam (: make SURE you write all about it (: take care yeh? speak to you in a week :D xxxxxxxxxx
from aileenp :
yeah cool...but my friend said "any phone is not worth that much money..." so i have a guilty feeling buying it. wheeew!
from aileenp :
So many things to be happy for in life!! We must look with a bright eye, instead of a big sigh....Always...<<< hehe... i got a new phone N95 8gb last night.... im sooo happy...
from imatwin :
My lips are so sealed! I'm kind of hoping that it will pass because I really do not feel like falling in love right now. Not when I'm trying to get control over some things. Anyhow, I think it's pretty funny that everyone is protective over me at work. I've been working there for a week! Haha. But it's cool. It at least tells me that they don't mind working with me. Haha. ~Alex *hugs*
from mskindasorta :
Hey, I didn't dissapear on you or anyone, not deliberatly anyhow, the past few months I just have not had time to be online as much as I used to. And now the only reason I will be online is to release in my diary as I try and deal with what has happened to my boy. Thanks for your kind words. I'd leave a smiley face but I just can't smile right now.
from aileenp :
ahahaha...yeah its been ages since my last update...i lost track! So much had happened since then,i wasnt able to write. Anyways, im still here-same as always,broken hehe. Everyone needs to keep smiling though-to hide. Surprised you dropped a note-much appreciated. When i get time, il update here. Its summer again....beaches<3
from imatwin :
...I always thought it was a word though :/ Jeez, I sound like a little kid who just found out Santa Claus isn't real. lol ~Alex<3
from imatwin :
....Is that even a word? sorry. :D ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Confusement is one emotion I could live without. *hugs*
from imatwin :
Don't worry about it. I don't believe many people really understand the dynamics in my family - I don't even think a few of the family members do. I'm sorry to hear about how your mother makes you feel. I can't even begin to explain how horrible that would be if I were in your position. But it sounds like your dad and brother have some kind of understanding. You have them. Happy V Day! I don't really like it much either, but I just look at it as if it is any other day. *big hugs* ~Alex <3
from gr8chick :
Hey, I finally got to see your pics. Very nice! You know what...You look so familiar to me. Maybe you resemble someone I went to school with...that was ages, and ages ago, though. Keep up the good work. As for your mom...I don't know what to say about that. My son is 21 and attending college part time, and working part time. At times I wish he would contribute a little something towards the household, but shit...you know he's taking care of business, and he's not just bumming off of us, as I'm sure you're not either! As long as your a productive person, and not causing heartache, and starting bullshit... I figure as a mom, I supposed to backup my kids in what they are trying to achieve. Now if they start taking advantage...then I start getting pissed. Plus, when he can, he will treat the family to a meal, or better yet, cook one. He is a great cook, BTW! Take care, sweets, and keep your head up!
from emileefreeky :
im sorry.. ive been really ty at keeping up to date with your wonderful diary.. whos 'she' ?? sorry :( im hanging my head in shame.. i also never got round to saying that.. now i know what you look like! you look great (: very muscley.. if thats a word. i hope youre alright. thankyou for your note. it means a lot xxx
from cherryglaze :
*HUGS* I'm sorry things are shitty...I wish I could say something witty and re-assuring and profound enough to make it better, but I know very well that the chances of that happening are slim to none. I'm keeping you in my prayers, though. Sorry I've been AWOL for so long...
from imatwin :
Thanks :D I think my mom is still learning - and she'll admit this - to know when to be quiet, and learn to not say certain things. I have the same problem sometimes. But I know she's proud of me, and believes I can be anything I want. It's really just the realization that your parents aren't perfect which sucks. Really, it's part of growing up. Anyway, I'm not fretting over the job too much. I get to spend some time with my mom, and she's way better at training me then half of the other people who work there. She makes it a whole heck easier, really. And don't feel bad if you miss some stuff. I do it too. Thanks for the notes :D *hugs* ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Okay I will... YAH!! You look great! :D *hugshugs* ~Alex
from imatwin :
;)
from moonlit-eyes :
I'm so sorry, dear. I've really only been at my computer to put out a few blogs or whatever. I've not had a lot of time over the past few weeks. I'm really sorry, mate.
from imatwin :
Awww :(
from cherrygash :
Hi. I think we've talked about this before. I had a horrible long-term relationship that I ended over a year ago. It still haunts me, and when I think I'm over it...I'm good right? well, i don't cry about it anymore, i don't love him anymore...but one day i realized that while i thought what I was doing normally, i wasn't. I have deep scar tissue, and somehow i pushed it so far out of my head, tried to make it all ok, work through it. But, it's still there. I know what he did to me directly affects my relationships today. I'm trying to open my eyes and realize that there is still broken pieces of me, stuff i can't help, i can't heal on my own. I tried for so long, and I grew angry with God a lot of times. Only when I let God in, let Him take over, is when I see the tattered me falling to pieces, and the new me slowly, Very Slowly come to light. This is all the hope I have for, and I made a decision to Trust in God. I'm not sure about your religion, and i'm not trying to push anything onto you. because heaven knows that's what put me against Christians in the first place. but i don't know. i don't know when i'll be better, but i know where all my hope is. and that makes it so much easier for me, even in the roughest of times. i pray you find peace, and what you are looking for. Be patient, somestimes I think it's not just time it takes to heal, it's more. Time is dead to me, the years have shown that.
from imatwin :
Hang in there hun. I know things seem impossible and not good right now, but if you just keep pushing you'll find the light. *BigHugs* ~Alex
from imatwin :
I'm sorry you feel that way hun. 50 hours is a lot. About the girl in Georgia. Try and thinking about something else (I know, easier said then done). Maybe she's busy doing something and isn't really paying attention to what's going on. Be positive! Don't assume the worst!! Okay, my motherliness is finished. *HUGS* ~Alex
from karbonphyber :
50 hours is a hell of a week
from cherrygash :
congrats on the weight loss
from imatwin :
lmao. I think your joining with all my friends. lol. *Hugs*
from imatwin :
YAH! 199!!! WOWHO!
from imatwin :
lol. Yeah, I hope something happens soon. I don't know about becoming famous but if I had a small following I think I would be in heaven. Haha. *hugshugs*
from imatwin :
Oh, I do want it to happen. I just don't know anybody with a recording studio or anything that I can rent for a few weeks. My Uncle though, works with this guy who has a basement studio and my Aunt was thinking that maybe my sister and I could do a CD thing with covers on it for my mothers day or something. But it kind of disappeared as fast as it came. I don't know. I might mention it to my mom (she knows about it - I don't really know how lol) now that I think about it. Oh, and it's never to late! *Hugs*
from imatwin :
I've actually had it checked out if I had sleep apnea and they told me I had no issues, that I was getting a full nights sleep but it's just the quality or something. I don't know, it didn't really explain anything to me. As for my mom, no, I don't think she's that bad. Because she does some how manage to make me feel all right for a few hours, and then it just crashes down all over me again. I trust my mom, but yeah, sometimes she brings up things when I don't want her to, but at least it's in front of my family who more or less already know the jiff of it all. And yeah, I know I matter to someone out there, but sometimes it just weighs down on me really heavily, mostly having to do with the depression, but I pick up eventually.
from imatwin :
lol. Yeah. Just wondering. I was actually just starting to respond to the massive amounts of notes I suddenly got and I went back to see what you had read about my song and saw that you responded so fast. lol. Sorry, yeah... I wish you could hear me sing it to. I've thought about getting an account on Myspace, but that requires actually having some recording time and I have no idea where to start when it comes to that. But I would love it, I know.
from imatwin :
Sorry about the divorce thing. I know it sucks, seeing the finalization of it all. If I could I would hold you. You know, as a friend I mean. Just in case you went all 'ummm' on me. Sorry, sorry, off topic. But yeah. I hope things get a little better for you. You deserve it, I believe.
from rainbowqueen :
I hope so. You really need someone.
from cherrygash :
Sorry to hear about the divorce. that's gotta be hard. thanks for the notes of encouragement, but there is one thing I think you are wrong about...that we need to hang onto and depend on God for everything. Anyway, hope He sees you through.
from gr8chick :
I'm sorry about the whole divorce thing. I've never been through one so I have no idea what that would feel like. Hope things start looking up and you know...you will eventually find that chick that is just right for you. BTW...thanks for the comment in regards to my voice blog. Sexy...yeah, I think I remember feeling that way! :)
from rainbowqueen :
I was a little at first, but I know he didn't mean to. And it was really nice of him to give me the rosetta stone too.
from imatwin :
Hahaha. How can I beat that...? *hugs* lol
from imatwin :
Too true. Yeah, I know, she's not your gf yet. But you like her, and that's enough for me to go aw. Have lots of fun on your days off! *massivehugs* (hahaha)
from imatwin :
Haha. It's all right if you get consumed by life. I'd only expect it. I'm glad you got my joke, and didn't take it in the wrong way. lol. ~Alex *huggeroos*
from imatwin :
Awww...
from imatwin :
Oh Adam! How could you! You've gone and broken my heart!! Haha. I'm kidding. Just to let you know.. you know... :D I love your new poems. I love the first one. I know times are tough for you right now, but your strong, and I'm your going to find away. It sucks when you realize how bad your parents are doing in the whole money thing, especially when they're supposed to be your safe place to fall when you've fallen from grace. I hope everything sorts itself out. *Huggeroo's* ~Alex <3
from viva-la-babe :
your 3rd poem is beautiful. i forgot what it's called. but i really liked it. :)
from cherrygash :
heya, thanks for the notes. that's nice of you. i fucking hate mondays, even tho it's not one, btw hope your heart's not hurting cG
from imatwin :
Oh I'm definitely feeling better now, now that all the things that were stressing me out has passed. I just go through these weird lows; it's due to the manic. I've been thinking about talking to my mom about it, but truthfully I'm not completely sure if drugs are the right thing for me. I don't know. I'll figure it out eventually I suppose. Thanks for responding, and dealing with over-dramaticness. lol. ~Alex <3 *bighuggeroo's* (that is b far my favourite kind of hug, lol)
from twominus1 :
Things have been getting better I suppose. I've been able to admit more things then I couldn't before, and I've managed to sort things out in my head, like why I drink. They say everything is up hill from here, and I hope they are right.
from imatwin :
It has been awhile since your last entry. I'm glad your finding your balance through all the muck, and you know what, you may need to take that leap and try and find out how to be you again. Good luck with your studying! ~Alex<3
from imatwin :
Thanks fore the note. I wasn't sure if you would actually respond. Especially after I said you could pretend. Haha. I knew as soon as I clicked done that I realized what I had said. Haha. I'm just feeling like crap right now. That's all. *doublebigmonsterhugs* ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
You can pretend I never said that...
from imatwin :
It's getting hard Adam... to actually think somebody cares...
from cherryglaze :
Glad you're making progress in the body department. That's awesome! I'm thrilled for you! :)
from twominus1 :
I never said anything, but I did take what you said to mind. Jean and I have been getting back to what we were for the time before we started dating. I still haven't had a drink, much to my surprise. It's partially because Jean is always asking me how I feel and things like that. There isn't much I can say. Everything seems to be ok right now. thanks for the note!
from imatwin :
Haha. That was so random. But fantastic! It's always nice to see results ;/ You are now a hunky man. lmao. *hugs* ~Alex<3
from megsworld2 :
Just remember faking it can sometimes turn into the real thing. Just never know.
from evangeline06 :
Wow, that's wonderful! I am so happy for you! It's great how things work out sometimes, huh? Well, I just wanted to say thank you. It means a lot to me that you read what I have to write and leave me notes (Even though I forget to check them when I'm on-SORRY!). I appreciate it more than you could ever know. It's nice to have someone who cares and isn't afraid to show it. I hope things continue to go well for you! *hugs*
from imatwin :
I wish I was doing as well as you are in the weight department. I've been slacking off royally since the summer ended even though I had lost collectively ten pounds. I gained four back since then, and I'm just starting to get back on the swing of things. On top of that, I think I have a thyroid condition, but my parents are so busy they haven't had the time to take me to the clinic. Bah. I think I may just hop on a bus one day and do it myself. But yeah, kudo's to you!!! ~Alex <3 *hugs*
from imatwin :
Oh, I meant that in a good way. Sorry for being so indecisive. That's sort of my thing now-a-day's. About 'the cycle' I'm not really sure if I can handle breaking it right now. I tried this morning, but she always treats me like I'm fool and drama queen pushing me to the point where I don't give a sh**t, and I give in just to shut her up. I know it's bad, but she's my twin, and I want her to be happy. It's really bad.
from viva-la-babe :
i can't :( i'm leaving in like 4 minutes. but yeah. where have you been lately?
from viva-la-babe :
:) studying is for good girls. and i'm bored.
from gr8chick :
E-mail me at [email protected] for UN and PW...
from viva-la-babe :
i told you i'm never going to do drugs! & i like being secretive. muahah. i'm at school right now xD
from imatwin :
Oh, it's nothing to do with Ottawa, I love it here, I just can't stand being with my sister because she just doesn't see the fun in anything. I did read your last poem, I liked it. I kind of got the feeling that you were in another place while wirting it. I dunno. But yeah, I'm good. I just got back from Tim HOrton's where my family hung out with my Uncle Richard. It was a laugh and a half. lol. ~Alex <3
from cherryglaze :
You're gonna be fine, sugar tits! lmao *HUGS*
from imatwin :
hey. how are things? I think I may go insane here in Ottawa.
from imatwin :
*bows down to your ass*. lol. I just about died laughing at that. <3
from rainbowqueen :
Happy New Year's Eve!!!!
from imatwin :
:) Hi. Nothing is up. I'm in a very good mood. I just saw P.S I Love you with my sister and Kayty.
from emileefreeky :
merry christmas adam :D sorry this is.. late :s but..yeh (: hope you had a good time xxxxx
from imatwin :
Hey, that's all right. It's a part of who you are. I know you'll reply eventually ;) PLEASE DON'T EAT ME! Hahaha... I figured it was a joke, but I was afraid for a moment :o nice joke, by the way ;) How I see it, is that I'm smart when it comes to random knowledge of things. And things that most teenagers wouldn't know.... and some adults. Anyhow.... looking forward to all those pictures! *Hughugshugs*
from cherryglaze :
*pounces* HEY! Merry Christmas, "fat man"! LOL! I know I'm late...so what are you gonna do about it, huh?!
from imatwin :
When I read the first line of your entry I was a tad confused. I was like, "But you not fat!!" lol. Merry Christmas to you too!
from gr8chick :
I was thinking about you yesterday. I don't know why, but you just popped into my head. I hope you had a Merry Christmas. 2008 will be better for all of us...you just wait and see! ;)
from jenniesblog :
Merry christmas! I hope you had a great one!
from imatwin :
...I'm not really sure how to say this without sounding like every other person out there. I'm not smart enough :) I know how you feel. How your always so busy taking care of someone else you get to the point where your not sure how to take care of yourself, you forget. And then you cry because you feel as though nodbody cares enough to take care of you. Maybe I've missed the target completely, but that's how I see it. I hope your feeling better, and that your having a fantastic Christmas!! *BigFatVirtualHug* ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Merry Christmas hun! Hope its a great one! <3
from viva-la-babe :
talk to me about what? i don't have yahoo here. email me. except substitute yahoo.com for hotmail.com and no. you're not chopped liver. that's disgusting. i can't physically hang out with you, hug you, that kind of stuff. okay? geezus.
from imatwin :
Dreams can be cruel. I know how you feel.
from imatwin :
YAH! I'm so happy for you! That your starting to feel better about everything. Just keep trying - it's all you can do! <3
from imatwin :
thanks. I'll try to remember that next time. :) I just always think that I'm imposing on someone if I do anything like that. I just can't believe sometimes that someone actually wants to sit and listen to me. I don't know... I guess it comes from the fact that I'm always the one who takes care of everyone else. *HUGGLES* <3
from imatwin :
No need to thank me. I don't like when people that I care for upset (I mean that in the least creepy way). Haha. *HUGGEROO's* I forgot about that. lol <3
from imatwin :
I know what you mean. Some days that happy little notes I get on this site still aren't enough.
from imatwin :
Your made of stronger stuff then you believe. *hug* ~Alex
from twominus1 :
I'm not sure if I can I even begin.
from imatwin :
I wish you didn't think like that :/ *hug* ~Alex <3
from black-ankh :
I'm sorry. :(
from black-ankh :
Not everyone. Don't be so cynical, hun. It gets better. Just bide your time. =)
from imatwin :
I'm sorry Adam. I wish she realized how amazing you were, how willing you are to fight for this. I'm really, really, really sorry. I wish there was more I could say. And I wish I could hug you in person because I knew it would do a whole lot more of good than just saying it through this. *SO BIG FREAKING HUGE VIRTUAL HUG* ~Alex <3
from black-ankh :
Aww! You'll find someone. No partner is worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry. I honestly did not believe in that saying until just recently. I don't think anyone that could make you hurt is worth your time. You'll find someone. =)
from black-ankh :
Aww! I hope this girl is deserving of your affections. Not many guys are willing to keep fighting.
from imatwin :
HugHugHug*
from viva-la-babe :
at risk like sounding a greedy little 6-year-old, i want it better NOW. UGH. sorry.
from black-ankh :
Reading that entry for the 10th made me realize how much I probably hurt my love interest when I asked him the same question. =(
from viva-la-babe :
i'm glad you had a good day.
from imatwin :
Just breathe.
from imatwin :
oh... I can see where I went wrong in the note. I meant is it good even though the ending is different.
from imatwin :
LMAO. That is really random - beyond it even. But what is even stranger is I think I had a dream where I was at a party a few nights agao and you were there. O.O But I don't really remember it. I did read your entry, I was just hoping for a more in-depth review. Haha. ~Alex<3
from imatwin :
sorry hun. Is it a good movie? I read the book five years ago - I can't remember any of it. Haha.
from viva-la-babe :
Hah. Yea.
from imatwin :
... sorry for ranting, and rambling on here. got a little to into it all. lol. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I think I sometimes let the fact that I want her to be my friend, and I guess it's my fault that I have let her use me so much that this is what it's come to. I just hate how every time I tell her no to something she says I'm a bitch, and makes a huge deal out of it. She tells everyone I'm a bitch, and I hate it. And she doesn't get it. But I'm taking steps to stop doing things for her. Today she told me she was going to band and swimming. And I came home and my dad asked if he had to go pick her up, and I said that I didn't know just that she was at swimming and band. So she is probably walking home, pissed off because no one came to pick her up but neither of us give a damn. She should have told my dad this morning.
from imatwin :
Haha. I'm the least ticklish person you'll ever meet.
from viva-la-babe :
Kansas because I'm sick of everyone here. I'm sick of my friends treating me like SHIT, I'm sick of people getting into my business and fucking everything up. In Kansas I would live with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. And it would be marvelous.
from imatwin :
Yah! Drunk texting!.....not really sure what to say. :/
from viva-la-babe :
I've been around. And I wanted to put something different; I couldn't think of anything.
from imatwin :
You dream because you are human... Crying is good for everybody... You fight because you are brave... and you'll make it through all of this, and stand and say "I've gone through worse and survived." ~Alex <33 ((HUGS))
from imatwin :
Thanks! XD I suppose I've just become so accustom to being sick and having to preform in front of people that I don't let it get in the way. I did everything I could to be able to sing, and I wasn't too bad. So yeah, I'm glad it all worked out the way I wanted it too. About that kid, your right. He should have known better, and should not have done what he has. I still feel bad though, I suppose I'm too sympathetic just because of people I know who have been wrongfully accused and/or are really good people (ie/ my brother and Grandfather).
from gr8chick :
You know...sometimes a good cry is all we need. Throw shit, scream...let that shit out! Yeah, it won't change jack shit, but you'll probably feel a teeny-bit better. Me? I'm pissed, because my Hombre hasn't come home from "work" yet. It fucking 10 p.m. and he out and about with his drinking bullshit. Whatever...I'm cool at home not having to deal with his drunk ass, and I'm happy. When he get's home, though...it'll be a whole other story. Tomorrow, I'll be the one crying. Keep your head up, dude! Shit's gotta get better, no?
from enurta :
I�m sorry if this is a stupid question but I haven�t read your diary for that long so I basically know nothing about you. What happened to your fianc�??
from enurta :
who is she?
from cherryglaze :
"...holding the pot like a newborn baby fresh from the womb." I like this line. A lot. The story as a whole is a good idea. The only real suggestion I could make at this time is to do some grammatical checks and such. You know, the boring stuff. :P
from megsworld2 :
what did you do at the sex party? happy thanksgiving!
from imatwin :
wait huh? I'm confused... (oh big surprise, lol)
from imatwin :
oh...okay... *blushes*
from imatwin :
You were? HAHAHA.... that's really random....... So, about being discharged from the Navy, what happened? If you don't mind. I was just wondering.
from imatwin :
Haha. I'm glad your laughing. Proves that my sense of humor isn't that strange.
from viva-la-babe :
otays. i'm otay. i'm over that stupid abandoned crap. sort of.
from viva-la-babe :
toga? O.o
from emileefreeky :
brace for my teeth :D i had it on for nearly 3 years!! :D x
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the advice. :)
from viva-la-babe :
ha. the party should be fantastic. lets just hope my parents let it happen, eh?
from imatwin :
Another wonderful thing about music. :) <3
from gr8chick :
Hi...I just wanted to let you know I ran across your diary through someone else's diary. I hope you don't mind if I come back and read every now and then, and I'm going to add you to my bud list. Hoep that's cool. Have a good one!
from imatwin :
Well, I find that I am already a little insane, but music if more like the rope I cling to so I don't completely loose it. Haha. And yah for friends! XD <3
from imatwin :
About your songs, I find when you find a song that you identify with so much makes you cry because you are sad about that feeling, but the feeling of being whole is because there's a realization that your not alone in how you feel. That someone out there knows or has known what you are feeling and going through. It's one of those happy/sad things I suppose. That's why I love the power of song.
from imatwin :
Maybe its because they can talk to you about it. That you know how to deal with things like that. So far, I like this new girl >.< (Wow, am I starting to sound like a protective sister, or something?) Just take it slow - slower then you did with Angela. If your going to have anything more than a friend, it's always good to start out just as friends. I suppose. I'm probably starting to sound like idiot. :S
from viva-la-babe :
i'm planning my birthday party. ...in april.
from emileefreeky :
*hug* for the sake of it. xx
from viva-la-babe :
awe. thankies. *REALLY BIG BIG BIG HUGS**
from viva-la-babe :
of course. i get lots of those faces nowadays. i hate being sad. :[
from viva-la-babe :
xD RIGHT. duh. what'd you say that for, though?
from viva-la-babe :
D8 what?
from imatwin :
What I meant is that I think you could maybe make it longer. Continue it a little I suppose. Build on it. :)
from viva-la-babe :
i'm not really okay, but i'll survive. *big squeeze*
from moncapitaine :
Sorry, I was unintentionally vague. I didn't mean for you to delete the entry. I meant for you to delete the gmail chat, and therefore remove the temptation. But as I said, it's just a suggestion.
from moncapitaine :
Regarding 11/4/07, "Why Did I Do That?" -- delete it. just a suggestion.
from imatwin :
I like it. Though I think you can build on to it.
from imatwin :
Thank you. I think you misunderstood my entry a little. I was just trying to be more assertive in my brain. I have always seen myself doing something in music, and now that I am doing vocal lessons I've just become more focused on it. These past few years have destored my view of the world a little, but I am getting back to the place I was before. But yes, you are right, the more I put myself into vocal the more I will feel accomplished and happy to know that I have something to look forward too. *hugs* <3
from viva-la-babe :
That's good. But if you ever need someone to listen, kimi's here. :]
from viva-la-babe :
x] That's what we said.
from viva-la-babe :
i am so sorry for everything you're going through. stay strong, you'll make it through. *hugs*<333
from imatwin :
Well, I'm glad I didn't creep you out along with everything your going through. I just made cookies, and I think you deserve one :) *hands cookie* Yummy chocolate chip. :D *big hugs* <3
from imatwin :
Adam... I can't think of any of the right words. I just... I'm sorry. My heart aches hearing how miserable you are. Is that a little creepy? I don't know. I'm just sad knowing that nothing seems to work for you. Stay strong, you make it through this.
from moonlit-eyes :
Good luck and please be strong.
from imatwin :
Thanks. I'm so excited about it all XD
from imatwin :
I think your being to hard on yourself, Adam. You acted as most people would in the situation you were in. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. I'm sure if you give her some time to think, you two will be able to sit down and talk. I'm so sorry Adam. I know how you feel though. How to feel that you've ruined everything good in your life. I know that may not help, but it is true. Hang in there hun. <3 *Hugs*
from imatwin :
Haha, no I don't. Though you could always find some adresses of some smaller publishing labels and just send in your stuff. I don't know how that all works, really. But it would be so cool if you came out with a poetry book or something of the sort. I would definitly buy it :) Support Adam!! lol. *hugs*
from imatwin :
You really should get these things published. Great writing, hun. ~Alex *hugs*
from viva-la-babe :
you're not being selfish.
from emileefreeky :
Adam (:
from imatwin :
lol. Get some sleep!! Sleep makes everyone happy.
from imatwin :
Ah, but than how could I ammuse people such as yourself? Lol. Well, I suppose I could if I talked like that constantly. Haha. How are you?
from imatwin :
I'm glad I could make you laugh. People have told me before that a camera should follow me around just to catch momments like that. I have habit of running into walls, falling down stairs, spilling my drinks all over me and the floor. etc. In fact, last night I tried to get out of my bed to go down stairs and my foot got caught in my sheet and I fell off my bed doing a face plant on the floor. Which didn't help my nose at all. XS lol. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Oh. That's who I thought, but I didn't want to sound dumb. :S I don't know, I'm a bit dazed. My nose hurts because I walked into a wall - don't ask - and I am rather tired causing me to be even more deluisional than usual. Haha.
from imatwin :
I love your poems. But i'm going to be ignorant and ask who's 'she'? :D ~Alex <3
from evangeline06 :
Thanks Adam! I told him long ago how I felt about him. I don't expect anything in return though. I just NEEDED to tell him, so I did. I'm just waiting for his "angel" to come back into his life. She's supposed to be moving back in December, so all I have to do is wait. Then everything will be right again. And I will leave him alone completely. Besides, his mother is my best friend. You can't tell me that that wouldn't be strange. lol! And I absolutely love your poetry by the way! You are such a romantic! It's nice knowing that there are some really great guys like you in the world! Good luck with everything!
from viva-la-babe :
you're an amazing writer.
from moonlit-eyes :
We should or you need to?
from viva-la-babe :
*hugs* i'm really sorry about everything.
from imatwin :
Well, many are made when you hang out with my friend Katie. This will just be another one. :D It's just funny because she 'broke' both of her thumbs. Now she's trying to come up with a more exciting reason for her thumbs being all bandaged up. lol
from imatwin :
I'm sorry Adam. I really am. But you just need to take it as it comes. I know what you mean by breif momments of happiness. But it's not what you deserve, everyone deserves to be happy. Just try and look at the bright side. I know its hard, and that this doesn't really help. I just... yeah. :( *BIG HUGS* <3
from viva-la-babe :
i know. and i thank you for it.
from viva-la-babe :
yeah, i duno. i really don't. >;[ but, i really hope everything goes well for you. i've got my fingers crossed. <3
from imatwin :
Yeah... I'm sick ;/ I've gone and lost my voice. Much to my vocal teachers displeasure O.o. That job really will change your life. I'm crossing my fingers for you Adam!! Alex
from viva-la-babe :
no, nothings okay at this moment in time.
from viva-la-babe :
psht, whatevs mister. :]
from viva-la-babe :
hehe. srsly! i swear! honest!
from imatwin :
*hugs*
from viva-la-babe :
I didn't really do anything. I was just up really late, and I had school the next day, lol.
from cherryglaze :
Hehe...just read your recent entry. Awesome possum! Good luck! :) *hugs*
from imatwin :
We will :) I am happy for you Adam. I really am. Have fun, and take it slow. I think it will be good for you, even if it may suck sometimes ;) Oh, and your jokes don't suck. I laugh/smile. XD *hugs* ~Alex <3
from viva-la-babe :
OH YEAH! [email protected] :]
from viva-la-babe :
i have a yahoo, i just have to remember my password lol.
from viva-la-babe :
... xD.
from viva-la-babe :
AWE! i totally just smiled way big. *blush* thank you xD
from viva-la-babe :
xD it doesn't take much to make me happy, though. so pretty much just being nice to me will make me happy lol.
from viva-la-babe :
I duno! It just does! Probably 'cause I've never really talked to a person that doesn't chew gum? It's really odd, and that makes me happy. Yup.
from viva-la-babe :
Haha, you're fine. I've been told the stfu and sthu so its not big deal. but anyways. i find it intense you don't chew gum 'cause i'm like.. addicted. sort of. kind of. okay not really but it makes me happy you don't. =]
from viva-la-babe :
hah. ok. but srsly. SRSLY. if i do. let me know.
from viva-la-babe :
Really! That's intense!
from viva-la-babe :
and if i ever get annoying just tell me to shut the hell up. and no offense will be taken, either, lol.
from viva-la-babe :
:D yup. HEY. Favorite type of gum? x]
from viva-la-babe :
xD of course. oh wells. i'm glad i can entertain you lol.
from viva-la-babe :
aha. actually. i have my moments. and they send me into hysterics. yes. i'm that pathetic that i laugh at my own perverted jokes. WOO.
from viva-la-babe :
oh. ahahaha. sorry. i'm really quite dense. x]
from viva-la-babe :
Er?
from viva-la-babe :
lyk OMG ME 2! x] but yah. being happy and hyper is the bestest best best. best. and laughing. laughing is good too.
from viva-la-babe :
you're welcome. i looove making people happy.
from viva-la-babe :
SUCCESS!
from viva-la-babe :
x] now. what to make you laugh my kind sir?
from viva-la-babe :
HAHA. manly giggles.. chuckles... make me laugh.
from viva-la-babe :
oh. x] *gigglepokesback*
from viva-la-babe :
uhoh. >.< face is not good. whats up?
from viva-la-babe :
:] kimi likes superflyingtacklehugs.
from viva-la-babe :
no! come back! losers get hugs! *superflyingtacklehug*
from viva-la-babe :
WOO!! VICTORY IS MINE!!!!! :D
from viva-la-babe :
humph. well go waddle your goose-y little butt where other goose-y little butts will say that goose-ys are cuter than duckies. but i say duckies are cuter than goose-y butts. x] i'm really hyper, my apologies.
from twominus1 :
lol. Nice. I've been calling my sister old since she turned eighteen, so yeah... :D
from viva-la-babe :
YES THEY ARE.
from viva-la-babe :
nuhuhhh. :] well, ok. can i be a duckie instead? duckies are better than goose..s. xD
from viva-la-babe :
you. you are a silly goose. :]
from imatwin :
Okay, so now I'read your last entry. Haha. I'm glad the interview went well. As long as your trying, and you got a good response it's okay to be hopeful. *fingers crossed*
from imatwin :
lmao. Just read your last note. And you know what, your totally right. ;) lmao. XD
from imatwin :
I'm happy for you. It's alright if you think about her every now and than. I think everyone does that, espeically after what you had. So... yeah... oh! It would be so cool if you ended up working at Chuck E. Cheese!!! But yeah... I'm a dork like that, so... XD
from viva-la-babe :
:] bahahah.
from imatwin :
Jeeez, why do you think I put up with you? :P Haha. *huggeroo's*
from imatwin :
haha. I didn't know Robin Williams was Canadian. I knew that Jim Carrey was, but yeah. Haha. That always happens. Everyone just assumes that they're American. Wow. That's cool. Your my favourtie American!! Though, I think your the only American who I've ever actually talked to on a regular basis. Yup. *hugs* ~Alex
from viva-la-babe :
HAHA. a lot of people say that. ^.^ it takes approximately 8.4 seconds to get over it though, and then I feel guilt. So it's kind of an interesting process.
from viva-la-babe :
i don't know if that is a compliment so i'm just going to sit here and smile. :D
from imatwin :
I know :) CANADIANS ROCK! Ahem... yeah, that was my patriotic moment of the day. *hugs* ~Alex <3
from twominus1 :
You are so sweet. Lucky for me, Jean has decided to stick around. I hope what you say is true, and that I don't drink so much any more. But you can never really know, right? Happy late birthday - you are so old. lol. I'm joking. Hope you are well!!
from imatwin :
Well, it's not thanksgiving until monday, but thanks any way :) *hugs*
from emileefreeky :
Happy late birthday wishes for wednesday (: Keep your chin up Adam xxxxxxxxxxx
from viva-la-babe :
understood. yeah, rawr was my warcry for a while, so i had to giggle.
from imatwin :
Well here's a new note for you ;) My day was okay...ish. Let's just say the manic side of me really showed. It's been showing a lot lately. It hasn't been this bad for the longest time. Blarg. But yeah, I've been okay. I can't wait for the weekend. It's Thanksgiving for us Canucks! And my fave hockey team (Ottawa Senators) beat our rivals (Toronto Leafs). It was great.
from imatwin :
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!! Erm. What your mom did, I can completely relate. My mum does that to me all the time. I'll be real happy and the next thing I know my mum is telling me how bad everything is. Just try and forget about it for now. Focus on yourself. I just... yeah. I hope it gets better. *hugeroo's* ~Alex <3
from viva-la-babe :
hey. happy birthday, and your layout makes me giggle. the whole rawr thing makes it work. :]
from imatwin :
I never really had an opinion on God until I was 12. I had gone to church every sunday up until than, and though I made fun of people who are like that, I never really doubted the idea. But I never really thought about God until than. Believe who say that really drive me insane. Same with people who thank god for things they have done. How I see it now is that God created you, created the world, and after that it was up to you what you do in life. The last year or so I've struggled with the idea of fate, but honestly, I just think fate is an excuse for why something has happened to you. Yeah... I don't really know what to say. *huggeroo's*
from cherryglaze :
I cannot even begin to count the ways that I totally feel you on this. I was raised in a Lutheran church, and my church was pretty liberal, so it was none of that sheepy stuff. I suppose that's why I get so thoroughly disgusted with the cult-llike churches who seek to completely crush every last iota of free will and individulality left in its congregation.
from imatwin :
Omg. I think I just jinxed you.... I'll shut up. ^_^
from imatwin :
YAHYAHAYAHYAH!!! I'm so happy for you. I had this feeling things would turn around for you. Crossing my fingers and toes for you >.<
from imatwin :
What you say is true... you sound very happy today. I'm assuming you updated. I think I will go read it now... *hugeroo's* (I have no idea what that was about)
from twominus1 :
Thanks, your too sweet. For as long as Jean is in my life, I doubt I will repeat any of the mistakes I've made. I hope, anyhow.
from imatwin :
Yeah I know... But I'm sure when I do end up living on my own I will miss them like hell. Meh. Life never is fair. Haha...
from cherryglaze :
You can e-amil me sometime if you want: [email protected]
from cherryglaze :
Yay! *big hugs* I'm happy for you. :)
from cherryglaze :
LMAO You shameless hussy! Wait...you were in the Navy! I am currently working my way through the military one branch at a time. It started with the Marines...I dabbled in the army...but I have yet to set foot anywhere near a seaman! Will you be my seaman? LOL! Oh damn...you're so far away and looks like you're also on the verge of being maybe/possibly taken. *pouts* TEASE!
from cherryglaze :
Found your MySpace page the other day (just got rid of mine)...I can see why you were gettin' looks at the mall! Oy! You should go back and ask for her number. How could she say no? :)
from imatwin :
Well good luck ;) Not sure really what to say, but I know what your saying. I suppose it would be hard for you find women your age. Sigh. I am so tired. I think I shall go to bed very early. Good night hun! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
That's good! Not really sure why, but I'm glad your getting out more and stuff. Just keep trying [with the place to live and the job] I'm sure it will all work itself out. I just read your last entry, and I know I'm probably going to sound like an annoying fuck, but as much as I understand why you may like hanging out with younger girls, it may be better for you to date someone closer to your age. Just because they'll be a bit more mature. But as long as your just having fun, I can't see why it's bad. I think my opinion completely changed in two seconds. Haha. Well, good luck with finding a new job and home. I really do hope it works out. *Hugs* ~Alex
from imatwin :
You are probably right. But your still stronger than you believe, and I'm sure eventually it will change. How are you doing? Have you found a place to live? ~Alex
from imatwin :
Everyone has self-esteem issues, just some have more than others. I think that you underestimate yourself. I think you're a lot stronger than you think you are. The fact that you have made it this far, and haven't quit. I wish I was that strong. I hope it gets better for you. I really do. *HUGGLES* ~Alex <3
from emileefreeky :
Adam.. thankyou so much for everything you did for me and how you were there for me. I hope youre alright. I havent been on here for a while.. so i have some catching up to do. But.. hows things? And.. its Emily really.. not Emilee.. buuut... :D Much love xx
from moonlit-eyes :
Hey, I'm glad to hear that at least a few things seem to be perking up for you! I'm happy that you get a few victories in this time. And hey, I will give you a call soon, when my courseload dies down a bit and when I'm not working. Hopefully within this next week. I hope you're doing well!
from cherryglaze :
Yes, I agree with Alex. Keep up the positivity...it is sexy, lol! Uhm, the publishing thing...The best advice I could give right now would be to check out duotrope.com. They've got tons of poetry and short story markets listed, along with links to their websites, requirements, blahblahblah. I'm sure you could find something there. :)
from imatwin :
Hahaha... nice *evil laugh* there. It's good that your being so postive, keep being postive. ~Alex <3
from cherryglaze :
LOL I KNOW humans are social creatures...I was just quoting something by some obscure Russian writer and trying to make myself sound eloquent and...you know...like I actually KNOW what the hell I am talking about. Doesn't always work... :P "Publishing poet" means I am a career poet. I've got stuff in magazines. I've got chapbooks. I do it all! lol ANYWAY...I am hoping you have an awesome weekend, and that the possibility of an apprenticeship pans out and offers itself up to you on a silver platter so that you may sally forth into the complicated left-brain world of wires and circuits and...stuff I know nothing about. Cheers!
from megsworld2 :
I hope you don't have a lonely weekend? Hope you go out and see a movie at least..or check out the rentals.
from imatwin :
I know what you mean.... lonliness nearly killed me. *HUGS*
from cherryglaze :
I've heard that humans, by nature, are lonely animals. We spend our entire lives trying to be less lonely. Maybe that's why we write in web diaries. :) *hugs*
from cherryglaze :
~*sending lots of positive vibes and hugs your way*~
from rainbowqueen :
:( I hope you don't end up on the streets, I wish there was something I could do for you. As for the girl who loves you, you shouldn't have to rush into things, take your time. *hugs*
from imatwin :
If I could, I would let you live with me. But for so many reasons (not to mention we practically live a country away) that is wrong. I wish I could say something more light-hearted to say, but it's the truth. I do hope you manage to find a place to stay, perhaps with the girl you work with. It's horrible that your brother just sprung it on you. And about the girl, don't worry about the past. Don't compare to the other relationships. Focus in the now, and try and make it work. I know it's hard, but try. BIG HUGS for you. ~Alex <3
from falloficarus :
Everyone lets me down. Shit happens. Hm.
from imatwin :
I don't know why.... *hugs again*
from imatwin :
*HUGGLES* Not sure if it helps, but it's all I can think of doing right now :/ ~Alex <3
from cherryglaze :
I know what it's like...it makes you crazy. I completely gave myself over to D for four years. FOUR freaking years. And all he did was treat me like shit. He knew I loved him, completely. I honestly believe that he LIKED making me feel that way. It was almost like having a really deep, painful cut, and everytime it would heal up a little, he would always come back and scrape thescab open and make me bleed again. I think he got some sort of kick out of the whole manipulation game. And I also firmly believe that there is NO GOOD EXCUSE to treat someone that way. I don't care what sort of bad things have happened to someone previously in their life. That is just mean and cruel and unforgiveable, and people like that are not good people. Doesn't matter to me what sort of excuses they have for themselves. That's all they are. Excuses. I thought I would NEVER heal, but I finally am. Very slowly. I still think about him a lot, but it's like looking at an old photograph. I think what it took to leave the pain behind was him finally being SO mean and so saying such terrible things to me to make me finally throw my hands up and say "You know what...fuck you. If you don't won't listen to what I have to say and take MY feelings into account, then you really aren't worth much." I guess I should shush now...This could be an e-mail! I will actually e-mail you sometime soon. Promise. Good luck with the new girl thing. :P
from cherryglaze :
Hmm...not sure what to say about this. Maybe just a simple "be careful" will suffice. You don't deserve to get hurt anymore. *hugs*
from imatwin :
It sucks that it took her this long. Keep us posted, I want to know what happens.
from imatwin :
Yeah, well I have a really strange tolerance for pain. Though I do complain a lot sometimes, but normally I don't say it out loud. Spacing your ears hurts sometimes, but to me it's not really all that bad - it only lasts for like a day. Tattoos; well, I can't wait to be old enough to get one. But I know it will hurt like a bitch, but I don't care :D
from cherryglaze :
Yep, that was one of my poems. A very raw, unedited version mind you, but I'm glad you liked it :) You need to quit meeting women through WoW. A lot of those girls are good people, but a lot of them are quite scary. Same with the guys. Believe me...I've got experience in that arena. :P Oh, and I'll tell ya right now that if my best gay man friend asked me to call him "ma'am" I don't think I could bring myself to do that, either. If he had a sex change or something and looked like a woman, I might not find it so creepy... I like to keep an open mind, but it's a hard thing to come to terms with when you're not the one in that particular pair of high heeled pumps, if you know what I mean...
from imatwin :
Haha, thanks XD I still can't quite believe I am actually 16. With the spacers, it does hurt sometimes, but it depends on how many sizes you skip. If you go from a size 14 to an 8 it's going to hurt like a b**ch (which I did - how stupid was that?). But if you gradually get bigger, it doesn't hurt as much. Why anyhow? Are you planning on spacing your ears? ^^ haha ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
I don't give a shit to explain because you refuse to believe anything I say! So I am not going to waste my time a closed minded prick like you! Don't message me anymore.
from miedema2002 :
How dare you undermine another populations feelings by stating THIS! "A man who 'feels like a woman inside' isn't a woman trapped in a man's body. He's a feminine man. A woman who 'feels like a man inside' isn't a man trapped in a woman's body. She's a masculine woman. And while some people may go so far as to have sex changes, etc., that doesn't change what they are. A masculine woman, or a feminine male, who have taken their masculinity or femininity to the extreme. This is my take on the whole 'gender' issue. And if you don't respect MY views, then fuck off. Because I respect your views, even if I don't agree with them." I refuse to socialize anymore with closed minded trash like yourself! Goodbye!
from miedema2002 :
In this day and age it's not that simple where women have vaginas, men have penis'. Men can have vaginas and woman can have penis' genetalia does not indicate gender.
from miedema2002 :
Well then becareful how you make things sound. When you wrote you said no because she is a girl! how was it supposed to be taken? and sleep deprivation is no excuse. When you say plainly "no you're a girl" that says not supportive. No if you said "It will take me some adjusting to give me time" that's different. And how can you support something you are not comfortable with? That doesn't make sense.
from imatwin :
Oh, to respond to your myspace comment, my right ear is size zero and my left is size 12 - but I'm planning on going to size 2, and double zero with the other.
from miedema2002 :
That is true. Kayla can find many other friends who are comfortable with it and could provide her with understanding and support.
from miedema2002 :
Actually, I can see Kaylas point and I would be offended at your response as well. Being a FTM transgendered person it doesn't matter if the person is female or male! If Kayla wants to be referred to as sir then that is her right! and to refuse to call someone by how they wish to be called is plain rude! Seeing as I was born female does not make me any less or a man or less deserving to be called sir! And if it creeps you out and Kayla is sure about whatever gender identity she/he feels he/she is then maybe there is much reconsideration you should be doing on your part Adam!
from cherryglaze :
You know...your diary is making me dislike my own sex immensely. You're a mad genius, Adam...you really are! The sick thing is, I know you're not even trying, lol! :P
from imatwin :
At least you were honest with her. Personally, I find that she seems a tad possessive, and quite frightening really. But again, at least you were honest with her. Don't beat yourself over it, it's probably just a crush -nothing to serious (hopefully). And come on Adam, how can you not get yourself into those situations? Haha... :D But yeah, I'm sure it will all blow over. ~Alex <3
from falloficarus :
Don't worry, I'm okay. I always bounce back.
from cherryglaze :
LMAO! Yes...funy, isn't it? And don't worry...it'll be okay, Adam. You've got shit loads of women beating down your door! You always seem to, lol! Have a good day, with lots of glorious high points tall as the Empire State Building! :P
from falloficarus :
You're not as nice as you pretend to be.
from falloficarus :
Okay. Let me explain this to you as simply as possible. Jared looks at my Myspace. He doesn't like you. You post on my Myspace page. Jared may get mad because he doesn't like you. I've said that at least twice in the previous notes, but you don't seem to get it. And if you don't get it now I'm sorry. I never said you were going to message him. In fact, that wasn't even on my mind until you brought it up.
from falloficarus :
hell.* Or something along those lines.
from falloficarus :
Oh my god. No I didn't. I merely said you shouldn't because I know he looks at my Myspace and because it's you it might cause something that I don't feel like dealing with. Fucking a. I never said that you were going to message him. And I'm really, really tired of you doing this to me. To be perfectly honest, you hurt me a whole heal of a lot more than Jared does.
from falloficarus :
-sigh- No, that's not what I'm trying to do Adam. Once again you're the one immediately going to the worst possible option about me. I /know/ that isn't your intention. I /know/ that isn't what you want to do. But it would be the result, regardless of what you want. I just want things to be nice like they are now and you're making it really difficult and I don't even understand why.
from falloficarus :
Did I ever say that you were going to message him? No. I don't recall saying that. Please don't put words in my mouth. Jared looks at everything that I do. Whenever he's online he looks at my Myspace, my diary, the posts I've made on an RP forum we go to. Anywhere he knows I am. It's simply because it's /you/. Please don't make this difficult for me. Things are fine right now. Why would you want to disrupt that?
from falloficarus :
Well, as good as that is for you, I do care. It's just not something that I want to deal with. We've reached an equilibrium right now and I would rather not disrupt it. I don't need more stressors right now.
from falloficarus :
Well, it probably was. But because of who you are it's different. He never said that I couldn't be friends with you, I should probably note. He never tells me who I can and cannot talk to. But because he's already formed an opinion of you, you know. I'm just trying to keep the world from ending, k?
from falloficarus :
Unless you want World War III to ensue, I would advise against it.
from cherryglaze :
I an relate...especially right at this moment. Misunderstandings ARE painful...and generally suck giant moose balls. Sometimes I wish I could just be a cat or something. Cats never misunderstand each other.
from imatwin :
Haha, yeah, I guess that's pretty funny now that I look back on it.
from miedema2002 :
Verbally and emotionally yes it fucked me up pretty bad and still does sometimes. Physically she only abused me once, but I wouldn't put it past her to lose it and do it again. My dad isn't a bad guy. He's just caught in the middle and I hate hurting him. He is the sweetest guy in the world. He just feels trapped between my step mom and I's constant friction.
from falloficarus :
Adam, don't you pay attention? I wrote that when I was obviously still quite angry with you. I just never deleted it. I'd say the main thing J and I have in common is that we say things that we don't mean when we're angry. A really bad habit I must say. And since I don't feel like explaining myself here, I'll wait until I talk to you later.
from miedema2002 :
It's sad how the nicest people with the biggest hearts get treated the worst and given the shaft in life! Normally anyways from what I've seen.
from miedema2002 :
You sound much more confident. It is refreshing to read. You are right. Fight for yourself because you are not anyones punching bag!
from cherryglaze :
Dreams are just the brain's way of filing through memories, emotions and anxieties. Don't let it stress ya. =) So glad you found someone new to love and care for. I'm happy for you, and I hope it only gets better from here.
from imatwin :
That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to ignore what she does, and how she makes me feel horrible. I know she doesn't do it purposely, but it doesn't stop it from happening. I've always been one to try and make everyone like me, and make people happy, and I am done with it. I am tired of trying to make her like me for me, and try and make her happy. I am done with it.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the kind words. Hopefully this madness will end soon and maybe my SI urges will go down a bit as well.
from imatwin :
Well I don't think my mom is that bad. I'm not exactly the most risky person the world. I don't like to go out of my comfort zone. My mum really just tries to get me to do new things, tries to experience more than I would if I had my way. With the job, I think she gets that I'm afraid of the whole idea but at the same time I don't think she realizes HOW afraid I am. I know it will get eaiser over time, just like Highschool got easier for me after awhile. I just can't help but feel that my parents just don't understand that, that they think I'm just exaggerating. But it will be cool when I get my own money :P I understand what you mean, though, about Kayla (that's her name right?). That she makes you happy so you love her for that. But your not in love with her. I get it. But I'm still happy that your happy. Haha. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
That's really nice of you to talk to your friend, I hope you get through to her. I wish I had the money to bring you to D.C., but right now I'm a broke college student. :(
from imatwin :
I read your entry "Thank You Kayla" and all I could think was, "awwwwwwwww" Haha. I'm so happy for you! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yes, well, my nose is big, but it fits my face so most people don't really think its big. Does that make sense? haha. Sleep is good, so go get some! lol ~Alex *hugs*
from imatwin :
Your too sweet Adam. My lobsterness is not too bad, just on my face because, I don't know if you remember my pictures, but I have a honking nose, and it's completely burned. As well, it's burned where my glasses normally sit, so it hurts, but nothing I can't handle :P You go to sleep after working so long! Sorry, I had to have my whole mother-hen momment. lol. Don't feel obligated to reading my older entries, only if you really, really want to. I missed talking to you as well. *HUGS*
from twominus1 :
That is all right. I can understand how it's hard to read about other people's hardship when you have enough of it in your own life. Don't feel the need to read my diary, I'm sure it could get pretty boring :)
from twominus1 :
Congradulations! Finding happiness in something is always something to celebrate.
from imatwin :
I am so happy for you! I knew that one day you would find a new baby :D
from imatwin :
It's all right. Sometimes people just need some time to themselves. I have been reading your diary, keeping up and all. I am fine. Red as a lobster, but good :) ~Alex <3
from falloficarus :
In that entry you asked about, I was talking about my best friend Jared. Who's currently insanely angry with me. Blegh. Life fails miserably.
from miedema2002 :
Congrats! :)
from falloficarus :
You're welcome. ^^ And as for the whole bull thing, I'm really not sure where I got it from. I just know it's an old saying and when I was thinking about writing the entry, that was the first thing that came to mind because I tend to be extremely sensitive and sometimes I feel like people are my bulls. xD Yeah, I don't know how I manage to let things go so quickly, but I'm glad I can. It's like compensation for the fact that I'm insane and react so quickly to things. But with time you'll be able to let it go. -hugs- You'll be fine. ^^
from falloficarus :
I know I don't have them listed, I have a habit of hiding. ^^ But I suppose I'll come out of my cave for you. AIM: BadDirtyThoughts. That's the one that I use most often. I have Yahoo (nevermindthecyanide) but I rarely go on it. So you'll probably be able to catch me.
from falloficarus :
Of course. I have AIM, MSN and Yahoo messengers, so take your pick. If anything there's always my email, which isn't as instantaneous but still beneficial. Take your pick and I'll give you all my nifty usernames. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to. ^^
from falloficarus :
Isn't it just the best word ever? It's so fun. Anyways, take me up on the offer whenever you feel like it. We all need help, all need something. I know I do. O_o But I'm just a confused little girl to begin with. Go me. ^^
from falloficarus :
You're welcome, love. -return hugs- I'm usually a relatively shy person and don't say much, but I had to say something to you. Like I said, I hope things get a little bit better each day. I'll be around if you ever need a personperson to rant to m'dear. Besides, new friends are always a good thing, jah? Keep in touch. :)
from falloficarus :
I just wanted to say that I've been reading through your diary, and your words get me every single time. I don't really know how to explain it, but I suppose I just adore your honesty. I feel like I can relate to you somehow, which is really nice. I know things won't get any better for you anytime soon, but I hope that you continue to get just a tiny bit better each day. Love. - Kayla.
from moonlit-eyes :
That's a huge breakthrough, and one more step to an eventual recovery. I'm really happy for you that you can at least have that calm, regardless of the horror it brings you.
from imatwin :
Well, at least you have something to hold on to, even if it is tiny. I hope you get better soon! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I know you are, hun. I completely understand if you haven't been reading peoples diaries. I don't really either, I'm so busy. Hope your well! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
He's okay now. He had fluid on his lungs, and he needed it removed. He had been at the hospital after, and started talking to my mum on MSN in his bed. He had a tube in his throat, and had to stay over night for observation. I wrote an entry about it. But he's okay. I kind of just freaked out. :) ~Alex
from imatwin :
My brother is in the hospital. O.O I don't know what to say. ~Alex
from miedema2002 :
Time will heal all wounds. It has too.
from emileefreeky :
but it will get better.. it has to.. it wont stay this way forever. through time.. cuz time is the biggest healer i guess. xxxx
from miedema2002 :
Ok.
from imatwin :
I know its hard. I learned that the hard way. But I guess it's always that hard ones that teach you things.
from miedema2002 :
Hmmm Well then it sounds to me that whether she knows the truth about you or not is irrelevant in her eyes. She has moved on. It doesn't sound like she wants to come back and she has moved on to other ventures. Why not try to do the same?
from emileefreeky :
awww adam. im sorry i havent left you a note for a while. youre so hurt.. and i seeing it :( *hug* take care of yourself xxx
from miedema2002 :
It's ok. I google mmorpgs and I found a shitload of them from A-Z. Most of them being free. I found an interesting one actually. http://www.entropiauniverse.com/en/rich/5357.html. I'm sorry that counselors have been useless for for you. As for Julia, umm maybe try not to consume yourself so much over trying to make her see and maybe try to umm let things be? Like accept her way of thinking after you have tried so many times to get her to see your view and try and move on? Try and distract yourself with other things? You seemed happy there for awhile meeting all those groups of people and having fun at amusement parks or at their house? Why not try more of that again?
from miedema2002 :
Do you know if there are any games similar to WoW that you can meet players from all over? one that is free maybe. I tried apply for the 10 day free trial of WoW but it wouldn't work for me.
from miedema2002 :
Have you thought that maybe your depression has worsened and maybe that is why you are finding it so hard to get up most days? Maybe try some counseling and start building yourself up to where you can live without her. Women like men who are confident with themselves.
from imatwin :
I've learned over the year that being positive will get you far in life.
from imatwin :
I hope it all works out. It's a huge step that she e-mailed you, and that you guys talked about the e-mail. It's also huge that she understood your other e-mail. I'm happy for you, and I hope this goes some where. *Big Bear Hug* ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
I have no idea why you put yourself through this. I guess love is the ultimate demise in some people's lifves. I still hope it works out despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. *hugs and good luck* (If this message sounded pessimistic or anything like that I'm sorry, I really do hope she likes the flowers and your relationship blooms again, I hope this time she can be honest with you)
from imatwin :
*hugs* Maybe one day you'll be able to have a happy anniversary with her. And I'm sure she'll love the flowers. ~Alex <3
from one-minute :
Sometimes you have to get through obstacles/people to get to meet the one you search for. It'll be ok...xoxo
from miedema2002 :
You are making me interested in the WOW game. What site is it on and how do you play?
from emileefreeky :
aww.. im so glad that you had such a good time with her :) im very happy for you :)) x
from emileefreeky :
ohh adam *huuug* but.. she hasnt actually replied yet.. see what she has to say. my thoughts are with you so much. xxxxxxxx
from emileefreeky :
i havent been on for ages... sorry.. after ive wrote this im going to catch up on your diary. but ive updated now :) hmm.. ive only just realised.. was it you the other day who talked to me on msn? because i couldnt figure out.. and then i got kicked off.. sorry :( hope youre alright xxxxxx
from rainbowqueen :
Hey, I hope she replies soon. No reason to keep you so nervous and scared. Good luck. *big hugs*
from janedoe0 :
Been reading you diary for awhile now, and finally decided to pop in and give you a *HUG* and say Hi.
from miedema2002 :
What happened with that writing website that you and that girl from your work were going to persue?
from imatwin :
I don't know what to say. I just wish... I had an answer for you, that would help you in some way. But I don't. And I'm sorry. ~Alex <3
from emileefreeky :
that.. made me cry i so hope she says you can send it her.. and that she reads it and takes it in its so beautiful *hug* xx
from imatwin :
I know.... *hug* ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
I don't kn0w. And I'm sorry. Just keep keeping it light. Don't think of the bad, only the good. ~Alex <3
from emileefreeky :
*hug*
from imatwin :
I'm glad that you two are talking again. I'm glad that your able to be open with each other, to some extent. I'm happy that your happy. ~Alex *hugs*
from miedema2002 :
I'm so sorry...
from moonlit-eyes :
I'm here. If you just want someone to listen to you cry, I am here.
from moonlit-eyes :
Hey, I got very busy this evening, and I apologize for not calling. I will be free tomorrow evening and will give you a try then... I'm really sorry if timing doesn't work out.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. Yeah today has been rough. Mom found out about me being trans today(read in gender diary) and it's been hell. I wasn't planning on getting outed today! This blows.
from imatwin :
Don't be sorry, I needed a good cry ;) You don't write lies, write your reality. It just makes me sad how everything is so tough for you. You remind me so much of my brother, that that's probably why it makes me :( You'll get through this, you just have to keep fighting. Your made of tougher stuff, and even when it feels like there's no point, just remember that someone cares. That a bunch of people care. If this diary isn't any testment to that, than... I don't know what is. *HUGS* ~Alex <3
from emileefreeky :
but you just have to keep on fighting.. keep on trying.. see, if i tried that, no matter what i did, it just wouldnt make a diffrence. for me..its gone :( but you..well i dont believe it has, because i mean, youre talking to each other now.. youve got somewhere. so, so far.. it hasnt been in vain has it? and you still have hope, thats important..for you do have reason to hope. i really hope she decides to let you in xxxxxxx
from emileefreeky :
you do plenty good with your life! anyone would be very blessed to have someone like you in their life. and the love you have for Julia.. its incredible. shes actually so very lucky. i wish she saw that. i really wish that what you want happens. because you truly deserve to have your dreams come true you know. xxxxxx
from ghost-rain :
*random hug* Just because...
from imatwin :
You make me cry, do you know that Adam? I wish you could have all these things, I wish you could have that second chance with Julia. You are such a good person, don't ever think your not, no matter what people tell you. I'll keep wishing on every star I see that your dreams will come true :) I'm rooting for ya! *hugs* ~Alex <33
from moonlit-eyes :
Please don't break. Please. I'm sure you've done it before, and you know as well as I how much that sucks. Push through, please. Call me, seriously... I'll be here for you. Breaking is terrible... and eventually even costs more money and time. Other restaurants and retail are hiring... try a temp agency? Take out a loan?
from emileefreeky :
oh..dont be sorry! im really glad they do sorta help.. that makes me feel good :) you know what.. you are being so incredibly strong.. its actually inspiring. youre not giving up.. youre making changes to help yourself.. and its so good to see. xxxxxx
from imatwin :
Your pregnant eh? lol. Sorry I saw that on myspace, and just had to ask. >.< ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
Suicide ain't the answer. You can get through this, you can mae it through. Look how far you have come already! Just keep moving, keep doing what you are doing. You'll make it through. I know you will. *HUGS* ~Alex <3
from emileefreeky :
oh adam :( im not helping am i? :( xxxxxxxxx
from emileefreeky :
im thinking of you so much right now. i was reading through your diary from the beginning.. and there was entry that really got me.. it was amazingly written and made so much sense.. and i know this sounds stupid but maybe you should read back on it.. i think it was called 'too much thinking' or something along those lines.. and you wrote about choosing to either stay with the darkness.. or to find the light.. i guess right now it seems as if you actually dont have choice.. but youre a strong person.. youve come so far.. i know youre trying.. but you can come out of this.. it wont be like this forever.. it will get better. my thoughts are with you. xxxxxxxx
from emileefreeky :
everyone who has read your diary.. even if only a single entry.. would agree that you are an exceptional person. you've had such alot to deal with.. but youre pulling through.. by surviving this long through it all just shows youre doing great. and so dont let it all go. dont give in now. you know so much better than that.. you can do this.. youre seriously not alone.. i know it might not seem much.. but there are people on here who really care for you.. myself included. you cant go :( xxxx
from moonlit-eyes :
Okay, so I know I'm just some random 17 year old that happened to stumble upon your diary one day, but if you need anything, please call me. 719-331-9367. I am here for you and I do care. You have lots of people who care. If you want help budgeting, I could help, if you want help looking for places to live in your town, let me know where you live and what's going on, and I can help. Never go drastic. Prove them wrong and don't give up. Please. If anything, *I* would miss you, as miniscule a comfort as that could be. Please don't do anything stupid. Keep trucking on. There are people (like me) that will help you.
from miedema2002 :
NOOOO please don't kill yourself!! It's not the answer! You are strong you can survive this! Talk to your mom whether she listens or not. Try to stay with a friend. Do things that make you happy. Please don't lose hope. You will find someone way better than Julia. I know that right now life seems like a cruel joke, but you have to keep having faith that better will come.
from rainbowqueen :
I hope your pain heals eventually. And I hope hers does too.
from imatwin :
Severely.
from miedema2002 :
Glad you and Julia are talking again.
from rainbowqueen :
*hugs* It really isn't your fault, glad you see that. Stick in there, I hope you feel better.
from imatwin :
As usual, I LOVE your poems. Also, I hope your neck starts to feel better. I hate it when you work out so hard, that your body kills. You really just have to remind yourself that it's a good thing :) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I feel bad for people like that.
from imatwin :
hehehe...yeah... I got a comment from someone asking me why I was depressed, and that I should get over what ever it is that makes me depressed. I deleted it, quite pissed.
from ghost-rain :
:) thanks for offering to come along, sweetie, but i live in wv! lol i hope you start feeling better sooner rather than later. my heart breaks for you everytime i read your words.
from imatwin :
or get clarity.
from imatwin :
Who knows. Some people never learn.
from imatwin :
Sorry for the history lesson, I tend to do that sometimes without realizing. I've been raised in the United church, and I have never been quite religious, even if I went to church religiously. I never really fit in just because I'm so liberal in my beliefs. But I'll say I am spritual. And it's okay with loosing track of my entries. I'm guilty for that as well. I'm doing fine. I guess. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
That song is beautiful. I fell in love with it a few years back. It's about King David (from the bible), it was written by some guy way back when who was paid to write a song about it. Yeah... :D I'm sure you really care. BUt yeah, now that I think about it, it really does fit what you and Julia had. I hope your feeling better. I haven't been around to talk much. Big hugs! ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
Does she still have a diary on here? locked or open?
from miedema2002 :
I would kill to have someone love me as much as you love Julia.
from meganwaits :
So is she in counseling now? There was somebody I use to know from church (I was like in middle school & she was my Sunday school teacher, but we were friends and she told me all this stuff she wouldn't tell anybody else), who had this major issue before she ever met this guy that she married who I think she thought would fix everything only he had no idea he had to fix anything, and it was this grief that she'd never gotten over, and it was her secret from him. Although, he never really knew what it actually was that made them split up, it was just sad that she had made him so miserable because she was miserable. I have no idea if this makes any sense to you, but do you think there was something major that happened in her life that has kept her from ever thinking she could be happy again?
from jenniesblog :
Do you talk to the people about julia?
from imatwin :
It's good that your making plans again, not huge plans, but plans that will make YOU happy, and help you move on with your life. Good on you! (Yes, I took that right out of the book of Zach from Canadian Idol, had to :D) I hope it all works out for you, it's good to have something to look forward to, and work towards. Good luck with the second job! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I wish I could give you advice on the book thing, but honestly I have no idea how you could about it either. Maybe just compile your poems and send them to a few local publishing companies or something. I don't know. MOre and more people in this world are being selfish. It's all materialistic, and everyone's missing the big picture. I don't know. I just wish the world would learn from their mistakes, and try and be different. But there are still these people who insist on being everything we try to prevent. I don't even think I'm talking about the same thing anymore. :( ~Alex <3
from moonlit-eyes :
Thank you for leaving such detailed notes. I'd never had depression before and so I didn't know what to think of it. First off, Scott is gone due to the fact that he joined the Army. He got a first-phase discharge based off of medical reasoning (he has occasional muscle failure), and thus, when he returns, he'll have been gone twelve days short of three months. It was straining on me because we've never been the ideal couple, merely for stupid intellectual reasons (I want to be a diplomat/ambassador, he's fine working a small-town job... see the disparity?)...... The reason why it set off the depression is because I finally told someone a great deal of my problems (all of my Daddy issues, my traumatic memories, eating disorder, etc...) and then he left and joined the army. Yes, the timeline was different, but my mind corrupted it. It was as though for the first time, I wholly trusted someone, and then he left. I trusted someone who *could not* be there for me. I know there are servicemen who can be there, but I really doubted Scott would be there. He wanted to be Airborne Infantry, and he was going to attempt Ranger School. ...... I wasn't willing to wait and worry for four years. I said I was, but mentally, I don't think I was ready, and I'm still not, so that caused stress, then I was worried about getting my grades up in school, and that was problematic, and then I couldn't talk to the only other person who I knew cared and who I cared about, Phillip is his name. ...... He's the reason why I asked about the morality of emotion. We dated for nine months and neither of us had fallen out of love. Feelings *still* exist... and I was wondering why it was so bad to lean on him for support if neither of us were going to *do* anything wrong. If I was "using" him, then that's morally wrong, but just someone to talk to or hang out with if zero manipulation takes place? I didn't see the problem with that. Scott made it out to me that it was bad that I still hung out with Phillip and he still gets all jealous, even though I'd never cheat on him in a million years, and it's not as though I'm "rekindling" the feelings. I have a friend who is steady and constant and I think I need that. Would it be wrong that Phillip could be that friend? ....... Thank you so much for your time and your thoughts and your opinions. They really mean a lot to me because you have experienced so much more than I, and unlike most of the rest of the world, I am more than ready to hear and take advice. On that note, I, too, figured that the depression (which I still believe was caused by the trauma of all of my repressed memories suddenly coming forth and not being dealt with) may be supported by my environment, and I am trying to change things as much as possible. I'm looking for a new job, I'm hanging out with new people, and my exercise regimen has changed. ..... On a note for you, I'm glad that someone could finally provide you with what you needed, even if it was only a small gesture or a little support, I'm very glad you have that.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for your last note. I am glad with the decision I made with Ashley too. Friendship is good. Now, if I could only have someone who would want an open relationship with me lol either they're not interested in me or vise versa. lol oh well having fun with friends passes the time. Take it easy.
from miedema2002 :
Good luck with your plan. I know you have the drive to make it happen! I can't wait till you are journaling about your happy days and your runs on the beach.
from miedema2002 :
Wow, your poems are beautiful. This one moved me in such a dark, wonderful way. Get your works published. I can see you going down in history as one of those fantastic poets.
from imatwin :
You should really consider becoming a writer or something. Maybe publish these or something. I don't know. :S But your poem is really pretty in a dark sense of life. Whish is tres cool.
from imatwin :
Don't be. It's not your fault.
from emileefreeky :
that poem is so amazing. and i feel so sad for you :( im sorry, i cant read my notes at the moment.. so if you posted and i havent replied.. im not being rude.. i just cant see them. oh, im really messed up, all ive done is made it a whole lot worse, and made Tom feel incredibly bad. I dont know what to do :( x
from imatwin :
I really just don't know any more.
from emileefreeky :
i wish i could write like you do! yes, he's being honest.. at least he's being honest. im so sorry for what happened with you :( i know.. i guess im not going to fight for him.. it would be stupidly pointless.. i dont actually think i want to, to be honest, cuz it would get me nowhere.. and it would just hurt. im trying to accept it, i really am. i know its what i have to do. thankyou for helping. xxxxxxxx
from emileefreeky :
oh gosh.. the Rascal Flatts song :'( it makes me cry every time. i know what you mean, i really wish it was that easy for us to just switch it all off like they seem to have done.. your poems are incredible.. and theyre from the heart.. its so sad :( i hope youre okay. take care xxxxx
from imatwin :
I knew it was something like that. I mean I know that you have to eat breakfast in the morning to jump start your motabolism, but honestly the only way I can eat an a nutritional lunch is if I make it myself in the morning or I come home for lunch. And I hate both of those idea's. I'm not even hungry at lunch time. I've tried, but it's hard. But I'm getting better. I actually managed to eat lunch ever day this week. :D Yah. But yeah, thanks for the help. (you would think I would learn some of this in NUTRITION class) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
:D Well he is french...
from emileefreeky :
how come youre sorry?? xxx
from meganwaits :
I do think about you when I write about Jeremy. Wondering, he must think I'm awful. And sometimes, I feel that way about this whole situation, like how could I do this to Jeremy.... And I wonder how I'll feel when I see Jeremy with someone else. I don't want to think about it. I hope you're summer is going ok.
from emileefreeky :
i know :( but thing is, he didnt even think it. xx
from emileefreeky :
well.. pretend how he was feeling.. pretend that he was happy that we were together.. pretend that everything was alright.. And i dont actually think he feels guilty at all.. he doesnt care one bit anymore.. its like, as soon as he finished our relationship that was it, he just cut all the strings, he doesnt have to care about me anymore.. so why should he? i feel rather angry at the moment :( the entries you submitted today.. i cant seem to read them :( i think i just have a rubbish computer. sorry about my ranting :s take care xxxxxx
from miedema2002 :
You're right I should just stop talking to her. I don't want to look back and have my first time like this.
from no7blvd :
Hi what's up! well, I finally gave up swiming. there were too many people in the pool and I don't think the water is clean. anyway, I'm now learning how to play guitar. I bought a guitar couple days ago. I always like guitar. actually I've been thinking about learning guitar for a long time. I'm just glad that I finally have done something about it. anyway, it is super fun! =b take care. :)
from imatwin :
I actually it a lot of healthy foods. I eat toast (whole wheat) in the morning, I don't eat lunch normally :D just because I'm not hungry at eleven o'clock. When I get home I tend to eat cheese or an apple or something small and healthy, and I eat what ever my family feeds me at dinner. That's it. Everyday I walk 2km sometimes 4, and on weekends I ride my bike or walk, alot. I just don't loose weight. I dunno. I just take great pride that I eat healthier then some of the twiggs I go to school with. I think it's a motabolism thing. ~Alex
from emileefreeky :
thankyou so much for your note. ive been reading your diary, and its incredibly sad :( it always does seem to turn out like this though doesnt it, everywhere you look. there doesnt seem to be such thing as a 'happy ending' to be honest. but i guess time is the biggest healer, although who knows how long it will take :( but that cute you mentioned from your work a few entries back.. ;) ah, but i know its not that easy. it is so incredibly hard to let go isnt it. at the moment i just seem to want to be updated on everything that hes doing with his life at the moment. what hes doing without me. i just cant help it. ive been trying to stop talking to him altogether because the conversations always just wind up the same, but its so hard. and the way he cares so little.. sigh. but anyway, thankyou so much again for your note, it really does mean alot :) take care x
from cherrygash :
I know what you mean. My relationship was the exact same way. He burned me, he lied to me, he twisted my words right in front of me to see if i'd believe it. i can't believe he did that....right in freaking front of me, i was like, oh i've been through this before...do we have to start taping our convos or fights?? cuz he'd end up dead wrong. I think he convinces himself that he did no wrong, and i was the crazy one. but really, he's the lunatic. but before knowing the lunatic i fell in love with a person, and then his true colors started to show, and believe me i analyzed and tried to figure out every possible way for us to work, for him to figure it out, for him to look at himself in the mirror and see what he was doing to me, i pleaded, I PLEADED with him. that's not love. like the great joss stone said, 'i gave you my heart, but you wanted my mind' that sums up my relationship completely. and i wasted time, so much time, cuz i put so much into this person...i wanted it to work, but no matter what i did, nothing would....nothing will ever work for us. and i'm over that now, it's been a year at the beginning of june. but the first 7 months i went competely crazy...thinking....how can he Not love me? why can't I just be loved how I love? What's so fucking wrong with me that he can't even like me?? but it wasn't me, it never was. i was dangling on a one-sided relationship for so long. he threatened to kill himself more than once throughout the years. and what did i do?? i catered to his every desire of getting My attention back on Him. so, i stayed with him, i didn't want him to hurt himself, I Truely didn't. It scared me to death, because i know he would be capable of something like that... i don't need that in my life and Thank God literally that when i told him to step out of my life, he never tried to step back in. i did. it was hell. but i couldn't. i just thought of everything, then i figured out the bad out weighed the good by SO much. i cried everyday i think for 5 months. the last two, before God saved me, I couldn't cry, i couldn't feel. I wanted to die. I kept in public when friends were busy, i was so scared i didn't trust myself. but anything that ever reminded me of him i burned, tore, and scattered in the trash bin. wow, that was a relieving project, let me tell you, i'm surprised someone didn't see me and think i was a maniac. but those were my first steps...taking everything away, i think you should try this sometime, it helped me SO MUCH. I feel for ya, how old are you by the way? so yeah, i've been through that agony...my soul feeling swallowed in the depths of all the misery. but now i know that it wasn't a deep love, a mutual Real love. no i'm waiting for that real love to come to me, the type you don't have to fight to keep.
from miedema2002 :
Hi, just checking in to say hello. I hope that Julia has finally realized how she has hurt people. I hope things work out with Barbara and you guys get together someday. Congrats on losing weight! :) Keep your head held high.
from cherrygash :
Wow, it seems like you have some real respect not only for women but people in general. I've been in some sort of a place like that before, and felt so dumb, and confused, i didn't know what to do. but you did NOT screw anything up, believe me, if anything is supposed to happen between you, you've got to believe that it'll happen, or it won't. Everyone has their own plan, stop planning for yourself once in awhile. I respect you and think of you as a good-hearted person, which you are. Even if you dont' think so other people will see that, in time, i guarantee it my friend. Worrying too much about something can drive you crazy, not only is it stressful, but it puts alot on your body and mind. We don't know what happens tomorrow, and everyone is So worried about the future, they forget to live for today, they forget that tomorrow they may have no future. Every moment counts, let those count in good ways, healthy ways. You're a person, you're not perfect, no one is, no one is like you, no one may ever feel for what you've been through, but everyone's been through something. and if we just opened all our mouths we all wouldn't feel so aliented from what the world sees as normal my friend, consider giving yourself a break, stop pacing, stop hating everything you can't control, be more kind to yourself, give yourself praise for the good things, and the yesterdays are yesterdays...not to be mourned or loomed over repeatedly, but to be a lesson, an answer, and the hope for a new beginning. Yesterdays are gone, forgotten, forgiven, and released once we begin to heal ourselves, to let Us start helping ourselves out, and to let us linger, but not for a lifetime.
from imatwin :
omgyah! I'm so happy you've lost weight! I have no idea if I have or not, but I have a feeling I haven't. I'm so happy for you! Yah! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
The whole marriage thing bugs me because it makes me fear the idea of it. The possibility of meeting man who asks me to marry me, and turns around to cheat on me with another woman just confuses me. Why would someone cheat on you when you've promised to be their only for the rest of eturnity? I mean I get the whole idea of thinking it would last, and then it just doesn't work out. That's why there's divorce. But the whole cheating thing just bugs me. Going behind someone's back and doing that, instead of just being honest and saying that they didn't love them anymore, or what ever the problem was just seems wrong. I think it's just a problem of honesty, really. People don't know how to be honest any more. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I can't stand people like that. People who think they understand you, and try and tell you what's best for yourself. I know what's best for me, and I don't need anyone telling me what. And I don't need people who have hurt me, what will make me feel better. I would feel better if they just left me the hell alone. Sorry, I'm babling. And I think I'm sounding a bit hypocritical, or what ever the word is. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
okay... *jumps off the bridge* Almost feels like I'm flying right to freedom.
from emileefreeky :
gosh your diary.. its something special.. youre rather incredible. sorry, you dont know me.. i just came across your writing.. thats all (:
from rainbowqueen :
I think you will never forget her. Too bad you can't just erase her from your memory like in that Eternal Sunshine movie. (Yeah, I finally saw it!) I wish there was a way I knew of that you could accept that the two of you aren't going to be together and move on with your life, because that will be the best thing for you to do. But I doubt I know more or even as much as you do about love and how to get over it or whatnot. So, as always just know people care about you and will always be there for you. *Super hugs!
from moonlit-eyes :
I only wanted to be encouraging. And that's not what you need. Really. I should know that by now. I am here, should you ever need, but I'm not going to comment... in fact, why do you have a comment box? None of us can truly or fully relate. I don't mean that meanly either... it's just that every situation is so much different than any other and we can't understand you the way you'd need. (And I only act as though everything is peachy keen because I've learned people don't keep caring if I'm down all of the time, and so it's just a defense mechanism on my part and I apologize.)
from imatwin :
Haha, that's pretty much what my entire family was thinking. Lol ~Alex
from imatwin :
Well, I'm glad I was able to make you laugh. I've realized in the last little while, that I really do care too much for my own good. I am just starting to take a step back, and letting them deal with their lives on their own, so I can try and just heal myself. Don't feel so bad about not keeping up with people's diaries, it's good for you to just get lost in yourself times (but not for too long :P). I hope you do make some friends at your job. That's what I thought as soon as you said that you had gotten a new job. I'm so happy for you, and I wish you all the best! ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
We are both realists at heart it seems.
from rainbowqueen :
Hey, If you miss me, find me here. http://www.blurty.com/users/carinacelata
from rainbowqueen :
It isn't so great a problem. I almsot had them both here on the same day, but luck was on my side. I can't stand the idea of hurting someone, but I have many times. Eh, I am a bad person.
from meganwaits :
Hi, hope things are working out for you in the job search. As others on diaryland I haven't been able to post..so I moved (hopefully, just temp., but who knows... http://megsworldnow.blogspot.com/
from rainbowqueen :
I miss you too. So much to tell you, but diaryland won't met me add an entry. I am so confused. I met this guy named Andy and we are already dating, I don't know how that happened. But he is so cute and sweet, but has only had one other gf before. I still like Matt and Matt still likes me. I haven't even told Matt about Andy or vice versa. I am not sure what to do there. The medicine I got for my tonsils healed my tonsils but gave me a horrible full body skin rash. Tomorrow morning is my last final. :)
from imatwin :
Oh, I understand now. And I hate MTV because they don't play music videos. For the Canadian one you have to go on the internet to watch them! What's the point in that? I can't, because my computer is too old, and I'm not the only one who has that problem. It's because of that, that I love MuchMusic so much. And they have two channels, so if there aren't any playing on one, there are bound to be some on the other. Sigh. I've just started to accept the fact that the music business has gone to shit. ~Alex <3
from no7blvd :
Well, I can't swim. actually i'm a little bit afraid of water... dunno why. but I've decided to overcome it by learning to swim. when it gets hotter, I'm going to the pool... really looking forward to it... good luck! :)
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry that you don't have any local friends. Why not try dating sites that can be geared to local areas? I have met wonderful friends online. okcupid.com is a good one. I have met the majority of my friends on there. Try it if you like. Later.
from imatwin :
It's not so much that I don't mind people coming to Canada and starting things up -I mean multi-culturilism is something Canadian's (should) pride themselves on. It's more of the fact that the Canadian Entertainment business seems to be bought by American companies, and under-rated compared to American shows, like Canadian stuff isn't good enough. I dunno. Canada has been dealing with the fact that were under-rated forever, so this isn't the first time a Canadian company has been forced to merge with something American. It just makes me mad how American companies can't seem to stop doing it. I'm really starting to sound anti-american aren't I? Which I'm not, by the way :) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yeah, we heard about them up here. There was a teacher there who is from Nova Scotia who was killed. These things don't just happen in the U.S. Earlier this year we had a shooting in Montreal at dawson college. I think nine people were shot, and two died. That's really the only shooting I know of up here, but it's still scary. The sad thing about the whole situation, is that it all could have been prevented. :( ~Alex <3 *hugs*
from miedema2002 :
I'm glad you weren't abused or anything. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. What did you think of the letter I sent to my dad and step mom? I like opinions from others even though it has already been sent.
from miedema2002 :
That is so beautiful.
from imatwin :
I know, but it gets a little annoying. My brother is doing okay now, I guess. I haven't talked to him for a while. But I think he's okay. He's trying to quit smoking right now, so I'm being supportive towards him for taht right now. Hope you doing well! I'm grounded, so I shouldn't be on here. ~Alex <3 *hugs*
from miedema2002 :
To conform to what beliefs? if you don't mind me asking. I know this is kind of personal so if you want to send me an e-mail it's [email protected]
from rainbowqueen :
Hey! I've been hibernating myself, at least from online, with all the school craziness. For me, May 4 can't come too soon. Hang in there. It should get better.
from aileenp :
SMILE when in pain...SMILE when troubles pour like rain...SMILE when someone hurt your feelings...COZ YOU KNOW WHAT?!...SMILING always starts the healing...GOOD EVENING friend. :)
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I love it too. This one is for sure staying awhile. It's funny even knowing that I have someone significant didn't change the state of my depression at all. I'm glad it's over too. I need to find a way to avoid being stuck in bed when I am that depressed. I can't be spending days in bed like that. But hey one step at a time. I thought that low would never leave! oy! Glad you decided to stay on D-land! I know I would have missed you!
from imatwin :
-It did for me
from imatwin :
I hope it gets better for you. ~Alex <3 (hugs)
from imatwin :
Because I honestly don't know when to shut my mouth. Sorry, ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
oh alright I respect w/e desicon you make.
from imatwin :
I do understand, don't tell me I don't. I was in love with a guy for three years, and when we finally got togethe, he turned his back on me and said he wanted to just be friends. At first I thought I was okay with it, but soon I wasn't. It hurt me so deeply that I couldn't hold him anymore like I wanted or that I couldn't kiss him anymore. I watched as he went out with my best friend, and finally I just gave up, knowing there was no use. All I was saying was maybe you should try and be her friend, because maybe it will be different for you. Sorry, if I've caused any pain or anything to you. ~Alex
from imatwin :
I know you don't want that. But I think friendship is good first because you can build trust, and then get into something more serious if you think you could do it. I dunno. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Take it as it comes, try and don't keep your hopes up, but at the same time be happy about it. Maybe she's finally willing to try and repair the damage -and who knows, maybe the friendship will work(?). Take care, ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
thanks for the advice and just talking. I Hope you get that JOB!!! If it's right for you, you surely will! I'm glad that you're doing something, something that might help make your life better. :)
from voidedchaos :
Yes I'm the same way. At first I thought I would only want another serious relationship - I knew I wouldn't start dating right away & I was OK with that... but once I started to get more interested in people things all seem to blow up in my face. Now I just want to have fun and relax: if anything I would want to avoid the committment for awhile... I knew it was going to be tough but I've been single for a year & 4 months now & I'm finally getting sick of it. The only problem is finding someone I like - who will want a relationship with me. Things always seem to come when you aren't looking for them.
from rainbowqueen :
I'm sorry, I am always confused, even with my own life. So if something I said made you think anything you were writing was misrepresented, that isn't true. I am just bad at expressing whatever I feel and misunderstand people all the time. I just really really wish I could make you feel better or someone would. I want you to be happy. I have felt your pain for so long. I know you are trying to get over it. I would never even think that you were sitting around, not even trying.
from cherrygash :
Yeah, I told this guy Everything about my past...even the deepest secrets that I had to dig up...I thought anyone who knew them could never love me, would look at me in disgust and never touch me. That's why it was so hard for me, because he KNEW, I told him and he stayed and he tried to care. and I don't know how'll I'll ever go through that again, I want to be completely honest if there is a future husband, but I seriously don't know if some things is the past should be dug up and thrown on the front lawn. It's not something I really think of right now because I'm far far away from even wanting to start a new relationship, but these things, decisions, haunt me.
from rainbowqueen :
I think you would be better off without her. I know you love her and were really happy with her, but she needs some kind of help that I wish she would get. I don't know why some people can't change and grow from hurtful experiences, why all the bad luck seems to make people, like Julia, untrusting and bitter sometimes. But if she is happy now, even without you, I just hope you eventually can move on with your life and find someone who cares about you that you can love just as much, maybe even more. In the interim, *BIG HUGS and hopeful wishes from miles away
from cherrygash :
Hi, I was just reading your last entry and I understand that what you thought was great, and you miss so much, may be something I went through. I gave everything to this guy, I trusted him more than anything and he always asked why I never got jealous, it was because I trusted him, and that I knew that if he loved me as much as he said he wouldn't wander. It actually made him mad that I wouldn't get jealous. Which is an oxy-moron if you ask me, because I think it's the Best compliment in a relationship. That's what the foundations of great relationships build from. He didn't trust me for some reason, I got so tired of him always accusing me of cheating, or looking for another guy and I gave all my strength, heart, soul, and time to him...he just didn't see it and didn't find it acceptable enough. I was honest in my relationship, dead honest, if there were something that upset me, i would want to talk with him. He got to the point where he didn't want to talk about our relationship anymore, and it crushed me, because he was selfish and immature- he only thought of himself. When we fought he would twist things I said to make me look like the bad guy when all I wanted was resoluation and peace, he wanted to be considered the 'good' one in the relationship...it was always a competition to him, which I never understood because I knew that relationships are about teamwork. Not blaming, not scheming, and not holding things in. I don't know really now what was a truth and what was a lie, he constantly changed his stories, and when i brought something up he would defend himself as if he never said those things. So, to this day I don't know what was real about him, who he really was, I got a blotted out version because he was so insecure. I once was considering a job as a waitress but we fought for weeks about it, saying guys would hit on me and I'd take their numbers... Yea, after 2 years of my dedication to you and our love that's what I'd do. I told him straight out that if I thought it wasn't going to work I'd say it, I'd never cheat or lie or anything of the sort, that's unfair to everyone.The worst came out when he stopped drinking, I told him he could choose. but i wasn't going to have a relationship with an alcoholic...I wasn't trying to change him, I gave him a choice, because I have my own boundaries and expectations. He chose to stop, but then everything seemed to fall apart when he was sober to reality. He was controlling, jealous, and abusive daily. When he said cruel things he just said he was joking. I dress modest, but when he didn't like something I'd hear about it. He didn't want me to hang out with my friends because he thought they'd try to set me up with someone else. Even though I told him they'd never do that and I was a big girl and could handle myself, it didn't matter to him. He alienated me from my friends and family, making ME feel guilty when I ever spent time with them, he'd call and call and call constantly and try to make me feel guilty for not spending time with him, even though I saw him everyday. We'd have long fights whenever I went and saw one of my girlfriends. It was INSANE. and i realize now that that wasn't true, it wasn't real, my feelings were real, but our relationship wasn't. now i know what a healthy, loving relationship Should be like and it Shouldn't be ANY of those things, it should make you grow and be happy, not fight constantly to salvage anything from the past. Anyway, I hope that you realize you deserved better, and that when we miss our relationships we miss the good parts, not the whole, at least in unhealthy ones. I couldn't see the reality for along time, but now I know there's so much more to look forward to than the petty link between us. It's hard to wait and be patient, but in the long run, I think you'll end up thanking your lucky stars when you do get to that point, the time when you realize, Hey, ....this is what I've been waiting for...
from moonlit-eyes :
*sigh* I am so, so sorry for you.
from voidedchaos :
I thought I had... but today he ignored me to talk to someone else of couse I don't know if I will ever be able to date again. Thanks though.
from imatwin :
Sorry, I don't know what I said. :O
from rainbowqueen :
*splashes you
from meganwaits :
The Lookout is so good. I really enjoyed that movie. To bad its not getting the buzz like some films. I hear Grindhouse is going to split the movies. Of course, Planet Terror is better by far in the real "grindhouse" tradition..and lots of people aren't sticking around for Death Proof, which really has somewhat of a slow beginning, but if you love Tarantino's on going diologue you'll love it, plus seeing Zoe Bell do her thing, very cool. Other than that, damp, cold and kind of miserable weather here.
from cherrygash :
sorry my grammar sounded retarded in the last note and i posted before i read, but i think you know what i mean...
from cherrygash :
i'm sorry, i hope that you will feel better soon. it takes time... and therapy if you can affored it...lol , but really, i know how hurtful relationships can tear you apart. I'm sorry you still hurt so bad, but you know what they say, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I think there may be a lesson to learn, and probably used in your next relationship. :)
from rainbowqueen :
You should come sometime. ;)
from moonlit-eyes :
I bet you have. :/
from xnavygrrl :
People do more damage to others than they will ever know or care to concieve.....the people who have hurt us have no idea how much damage they inflicted. I'm with you...people suck. Except for the people we know for sure who don't suck. Eh.
from imatwin :
ahaha...me laughs at your silly joke. :D ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
its all good. he told me i was silly for thinking such and i neded to realize he really does like me. :)
from miedema2002 :
Stupid jerks! When will people learn?
from cherrygash :
wow man, i hope u got that anger out somehow, i like to hit things -people preferably :) ya, it's just you, judging someone u don't know isn't real...false accusations and untold pain that you can't all put maybe. sorry those ppl pissed you off so bad, i don't do I?? i'm hardly on here, i find it depressing for me cuz i can't find anymore words to fill in the blanks.
from imatwin :
You're welcome! :D
from imatwin :
I've added you to my instant messager thing. You can know if I'm online then.
from imatwin :
You've got a point there. I don't know how to fix that one :/ ~Alex <3
from moonlit-eyes :
My contact information is in my profile. Feel free to talk to me.
from voidedchaos :
I have been going through this for over a year now - not my first time either... it's hard & you will probably never truly be over her. Once you learn to accept the pain should go away
from moonlit-eyes :
At what point does the storybook end? At what point can you fall out of love with someone?
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, it did, he seemed nice, as quiet as me though.
from moonlit-eyes :
Wow... so I'm only just beginning to read your diary... and I mean from the beginning. Wow. This sounds terrible, but I did the same thing to my boyfriend. I left him, told him I was confused, went back to an ex, and kept them both at bay for a few weeks... something I hate that I did, but learned from it. It's good to read what you thought, because it's probably what Scott thought. Sorry. You're impacting me. A lot. And thank you for the comment. Misery does love company.
from entragian :
Eh, IDK. The way I see it is that I expect Chris to fix me. When I was two, my father left and rarely talked to me...he told me didn't love me, and I guess I've always had this mentality where I don't feel good enough. When it comes to Chris, I get angry for him not healing everything within me, and I'm trying to learn how to self-soothe, but it's something that's really hard to work on. I spent years, and most of my childhood blaming myself for my father's mistakes, and I hate myself for being so forgiving whenever he made contact...like what he'd done hadn't ever happened, and that he finally loved me, and I was finally good enough. It's hard...(sorry to be a whiney bitch, this "dead-beat" father thing is rather common). A lot of the times, I hurt Chris as if I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm worth it. Like with me kissing Travis. Chris forgave me, but I haven't forgiven myself. I see myself doing all these things, always look for other people to blame because I hate feeling badly about myself. I always hurt the people I love to remind them to appreciate me, and to remind myself that I am loved. It's horrible, I know, but hopefully I can eventually get over this mentality. You had said Julia had a lot of bad shit in her past, and I thought maybe some of the same things may have happened to her, and that I thought I would tell you that it's not you...it's her...and she's trying to find some man who will "Save her from herself" when really all she needs to do is learn to self-heal, and not be so dependent on others to make her feel better about herself (ugh, I don't mean that in a condescending sort of way). That's probably why your mistakes, though a lot more minor in comparison to her's, she makes a bigger deal out of. Maybe she's just trying to make you out to be more horrible than you are (because from the sound of it, you seem like an amazing and loving guy), or she's just trying to build you into a super-human, because you're all ready nice, loving, and caring. I don't know, not fighting...and I mean really fighting...can end up being the worst thing you can do to a relationship. I know you love her, and it's probably really hard to stand up to her, and I'm sure you're a lot like Chris, and will stay angry with her until she looks at you with big eyes and apologizes about things, but when she puts you through (evidently...) horrible situations...you should make her appreciate what she has/had with you. By any means necessary, because being passive is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. IDK, hope I helped, but I honestly wish the best for the both of you. Loves♥
from imatwin :
Well, I'm glad to tell you that Sam's dog is fine. He pulled through, and now their giving him medication. I really like Dallas Green's songs just because they are so honest, even if there so sad. ~Alex <3
from entragian :
Ugh. There are so many things I want to say right now because I just read all of your entries, but I'm afraid of over-stepping boundaries and that I may be entirely wrong because I'm applying your situation with her to my life. I feel horribly sad for you, because I put Chris in similar situations. =/. ♥
from miedema2002 :
Have you considered starting a new diary all your own to not remind you of Julia while writing in here? I'm glad you are starting to finally move on. Changing your surroundings will not heal your heart I know, but I'm sure you will find someone someday that will treat you better and you will love even more.
from meganwaits :
thanks for the notes. i think i'll be happier once i get moved in.
from imatwin :
She sounds crazy.
from imatwin :
Thank you for the help. I went over with Sam to his house, and I told him outside. He seemed okay with it, and told me he would be there if I needed someone to talk to. How heart-breaking is that? I feel bad right now, but I know I made the right decision. I think it's a good idea for you to move, if it helps you bring closer. And I do hope you get her signature, she can't hate you for that. If she does, then she's just dumb :) ~Alex <3 *hugs*
from imatwin :
Aha, I think it was a more random night then anything else. lol ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
It's hard, tough. When everything else around me falls I find God hanging onto every part of me.
from cherrygash :
wow, i really liked that poem, it sends out your emotions. but to say i inspired you, i did not. :)
from imatwin :
Nope, you weren't :) I'm glad for the advice. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
The song is by Anna Nalick. It came out early last year. I bought it a while ago, and just started listening to it again. But yeah...I guess your right. HOnesty is always the best way to go. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Thanks, I'm glad you understand. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
It really has nothing to do with whether we should take it slow or not, I just really don't want a relationship right now. It's not a good time for me, because this year for me has been all about recovery. Maybe next year I'll be ready, but right now it just isn't right. On top of that I don't really like him all that much, I just liked the idea of having a boyfriend (because I haven't had one before, only stupid dumb little flings). So I don't want to continue going out with him, and lead him on to thinking that I feel something more for him then I really do. But thank you for the advice, I do appreicate it. ~Alex *hugshugshugshugshugshugs* <3
from entragian :
Yeah, when things are as good as they are between him and I, they can become monotonous (causing problems), and all it takes is one little situation, (such as the blood drive, haha), to make you realize things about one another. Your situation with her may simply be a struggle (very difficult struggle, apprently) that'll eventually work things out between you two. Thank you for the note, though. IDK, are you and her talking and stuff, and she just tells you how things are going w/ her? Sometimes, severing all communication will make her realize how much she misses/loves you. Haha, sorry if I sound arrogant, or biased, or like a know-it-all about relationships. I have a tendency to apply everyone else's situation with things I've experienced. I really don't know anything...♥♥...hope everything works out, though.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you.
from miedema2002 :
I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I'm thinking of you. Feel better soon.
from cherrygash :
sorry, hope you're feeling better soon :)
from aileenp :
thanks....i hope too...i feel better that john and i consider each other best friends despite the breakup...although i want more than that...i believe that it takes one step at a time....wish me luck....lol
from aileenp :
yeah sigh...i think all that we used to be are now just wishes...bec we're just great friends now....even then, i still believe that in the end, it will still be him and me....sigh.
from imatwin :
Oh, don't sweat it. You'll find a girl whos worth your love. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
idontpretend-Shiver me timbers! And where's the booty? ;o But I was JOKING! Rawr!
from miedema2002 :
No, Toronto.
from rainbowqueen :
Are you suggesting that I'd have better luck showing off my booty then writing stories for guys?
from rainbowqueen :
Keep up the good fight, my fellow pirate. Yaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!
from imatwin :
lol. nice. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Well, as patient as I seem, I don't like to sit around waiting on people. It's my french blood, lol. ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
sorry, I didn't know, I wasn't trying to push anything on you, just that they are good reads. :) Hope you got out of the house, I did, hair cut and highlights took up my whole day. but it felt good
from imatwin :
I'm so going to ask him out on Friday because I don't think he's going to any time soon. lol ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Oh, that's all right. Im glad your feeling better (when it comes to being sick). Apparently Shawn (the guy who likes me) actually wasn't asking me out because Sam told him that I didn't hear it, but he went offline before she could tell him I had said yes. Sigh. It's all rather confusing. ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
Hey- Sorry you're still feeling torn. How's the physical health though? Yeah, I love evanesence, so yeah. Anyway, I don't know if you're into reading material, but I've read a few books that have helped me alot about my past relationship. 1) Boundaries by: Henry Cloud and John Townsend 2)The 5 love languages by: Gary Chapman 3) Love and Awakening by: John Welwood. I also am reading a really good spiritual book, which I'm not sure if you're interested in, but I think it's AMAZING it's called: Desiring God by-John Piper Some of these have just really opened up my eyes A few more good reads come from C.S. Lewis and Jonathan Edwards. Hope all is going well.
from madamefromag :
Your words struck a chord with me. Take care.
from meganwaits :
green beer isn't all its cracked up to be.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I'm sorry that you are sick. I wish you well soon. Happy St. Pattys day. -Emily
from meganwaits :
My St. Patrick's day sucked. Wish I'd stayed home. Hope you feel better soon.
from cherrygash :
ya, my mom is So good at babying me when I'm sick, just talking on the phone with her makes me feel better, she's like- "do you want me to come up?" (mom, i live like over 2 hours away and you have to work tomorrow) "I could get you 7-up and fix you something and take care of you." I wanted to go home, but I didn't have the energy but I didn't want her to come up, I gotta be a grown up now. My Ex, nah, he didn't really care- actually I think he treated me worse when I was sick cuz He was sick all the time and needed to be taken care of. So, I had mono, bad, and when it was the first year- around 6 months maybe and i'd drive to HIS town every weekend- an hour and a half away. Did it matter to him....NO. Anyway, I know what it's like to miss having that someone to just be totally vulnerable to, and that you can be comforted by that. But, no one can have that at all the times in their life. I'm in the same boat as you right now, it sucks being sick and alone...even worse, I live alone, don't have a job right now...so yeah. I got so depressed but I'm feeling better, as I hope you do too. I hadn't cried in forever and I seriously just cried it out- a good thing. Yeah, you NEED to keep hydrated- plenty of fluids(juice,water,gatorade,7-up,ginger ale) these are what I always get. RED GRAPES!!(seedless)- these are little miracle workers my friend- Buy Some!! Get some protein in your body, some fruit, veggies, fish oil tablets help too. My mom's a nurse and I know hydration is a VERY important key to sickness. and REST. to not push it, even when you're sick of it and you want to, i had to learn that the hard way with my Mono!! ttyl my friend.
from meganwaits :
Happy St. Patrick's day! And I liked your "inspiring" entry too. Stay positive.
from imatwin :
That's probably it. ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
i didn't mean to make you upset. wow, ya it was a rough blow to me too. i had a hard time last night, but i got it out, i got it out.
from miedema2002 :
That entry is so inspiring. It makes me want to open my heart and love again, no matter how hard it is. -Emily
from imatwin :
Oh, I know the song reminded him of Laura, and possibly other people in his life. It was just a little awkward, I guess, in a strange way. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
I was thinking about putting Matt in my story/comic dealie but making him Professor XN, a crazy teacher who gets sidetracked really easily.
from imatwin :
I really don't know what to say about the whole thing anymore. It really just makes my head hurt. ~Alex <3
from entragian :
haha, hey, i apologize for not getting back to you sooner. i've just got a lot going on, and i hardly have time to update. still love your entries though...they give me a spark of hope in my life to know that there are people out there who know how to love and will never give up on someone, no matter what. i still don't know how to fully love something/someone...i can learn, though. ♥
from cherrygash :
haha, What? well thanks, I am feeling better and the weather outside is Awesome!! I only wish I could go take a jog but my body is screaming NO!! lol In a day or 2 maybe. It truely is gorgeous here though. :) Hope your day is going good.
from imatwin :
Because we think because he hasn't told his best friend the name of the girl it's his ex, Julia, who is a huge bitch, and is really bad for my brother. I'm just hoping it's not her, I didn't like her at all. And about the relationship not being perfect, and not worth fighting for, kind of reminds me of the movie I saw last night. The girl in the movie didn't want to try the relationship because it wasn't perfect, and didn't go the way she wanted. But of course, like in every movie, they got back together. But yeah, I guess that's how Laura is. I think she was willing to try a relationship with my brother, but when she left for London, I think she decided to take the easy way out, before even trying. I dunno. I don't know enough to really get a good opinion on the matter. ~Alex
from imatwin :
Yeah...I guess that sound good :) But apparently (this is what my mum and his friend say) that he has a new girl, but we don't know for sure. I dunno... I kind of just want to hit him over the head right now. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
I can't believe you took the time to read my garbage, but thanks :)
from miedema2002 :
Yeah it was. Reminds me of science class!
from imatwin :
I think why I won't talk to Laura about this stuff is because mainly I've never felt that it was much my business. My brother has never told me anything, and it's just what my mum has told me. I think because there is an eight year difference between my brother and I has really effected how close we are, and what we tell each other. So I think through this, I feel like it's their business, and I have no right to ask questions or to tell them what to do, even if he is my brother. Do you get what I mean? ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
Ya, I know, thanks for backing me up!! :)
from imatwin :
I have no idea why I try to talk to her at all. She is a very bad listener, and most of the time she doesn't understand what I'm saying. I have no idea why were such good friends. Well, if I could call it that. Sprry for the rant. ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
Ya, not doing That again.
from voidedchaos :
Actually the picture was taken off of the designers website. The girl wearing it is a model for their collection. I might add pictures of me in it later we will see :)
from xnavygrrl :
I thank you for the note. Sometimes I think I'm just a tad crazy..but you know I'm a bit analytical so if things don't add up..it's certainly not my imagination. I knew that things were bad..I just didn't want to face it. I'm facing it now. I do also sympathize with wanting to return to your former self and wondering what the hell has the power to set you off kilter. I just put people up on a pedestal naturally..and when they fall off, they fall off bigtime. Maybe I overestimate people. Often..I am underwhelmed. It's like, I do this and this and this for you because I LOVE you only to find out it means NOTHING. I'm angry. How about you? Anger is cleansing. It allows us to begin to heal if we let it. Thanks for all the support.. Melissa
from miedema2002 :
LOL! Thanks I have plenty of people wanting to help me out. I appreciate the offer and I will let you know if I need it.
from imatwin :
Well the last time I checked I was. lol. :x ~Alex <3
from meganwaits :
You're a "heroes" fan too? On the dating scene..I'm glad to read that you are taking some chances. Stay safe.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the note. Yeah I think you are right that I need to lower my expectations on a few things, but it's not like I haven't tried. It's just all the situations I've been in have never worked out. I've had countless opportunities to do so, but never happened. I have bad luck. lol!
from rainbowqueen :
........Thanks....I think...I'm actually not sure how to take that, but I take what criticism I can get. :)
from imatwin :
Thanks, I'd like to think I was strong. But sometimes I don't think I am. :( ~Alex <3 *hugs*
from imatwin :
I know, and understand that. But I just get this feeling that none of this was really his decision. I think it was just his friends trying to get him a girlfriend, and I guess I was the only person they could think of who would say yes. I have no idea if he likes me, he hasn't really showed any signs of anything like that. Besides, I'm okay if he doesn't ask me out, even if I do like him. Just because I like a guy, doesn't mean I want to go out with him. Sigh. It's all rather confusing, and Sam hasn't made any attempt at un-doing that. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks for the drive by hugging. Too bad I missed it.
from miedema2002 :
I think you know yourself better than you think. Think of all those fun times with the people you have met online. Everyone is nervous on dates it's natural. The break-up will take a long time to heal from, but it will happen one day. Stay strong.
from imatwin :
haha...yeah I figured that would be a good idea. :P ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Omg, you make me laugh too much. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Hahaha, yeah, that sounds like a likely story. ~Alex <3
from neeeeek :
Hey jo, that's the way it goes... i'm currently in the same situation. Take it cool and fall in love with someone else, it's certainly the only cure. "Put thee another poison to thy eye so the rank poison of the old will die." (Shakespeare)<br><br>One can't blame anyone for not feeling the same, it's just like blaming sky to be blue and not orange or grass to be green.
from imatwin :
And you think I would remember writing it, eh? Oh well, it's cool to think that I did. thanks by the way... ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Hahahahahahahahaha...my mother would tell you to stop giving me idea's. Well, actually she would probably agree with you on that one ;) lol. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I would never forget you! I hope I get big too. Well not too big so that I have stalkers, but big enough so that I could live off of my music...thanks. ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I'm not putting any expectations on her at all. I'm not going to make the first move to message her for awhile. If she messages me then cool I'll talk. No, I'm not holding my breath for a long time.
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, but what would you do to make me study?
from dearkate :
Hey - ya i did change it. no one can get in right now except me. I'm thinking about deleting the account. I'll give you the password though when I decide to make it sorta public again (like last time - only a few people had it). Sorry! I know you just got it! Things have changed though ... concerning the internet.
from imatwin :
I would like to be a musician when I'm older, or become a vocal teacher. Taking vocal lessons will help me prepare for college, which I plan to go to so that I have something to fall back on if I don't do to well in the whole musician thing. The Caberet thing at my school is just something I wanted to do because I enjoy preforming. But you know hundreds of bands and musicians have been discovered at local talent shows. So yeah... that's what I really want. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yeah, I know. I know a lot about vocal all ready because I've been in vocal classes at school since I was 4, and my old elementary school was the best music school in the region, so I've always been a little ahead of other people. But a singer always needs vocal training, even if your considered some of the best. That's mainly why I've been forcing myself to go, to try. But it's not easy, that's what I wish people realized about vocal music. It's just like learning and instrument, but harder because there's no place to see if your hitting the right note and stuff like that. Well, I'm going now. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lol. Your such a guy. Yeah we watched a movie too. I can't remember which one though. And yes, we do have Advil in Canada. Why do you ask? ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yes we are. But 'tis fun. lol. I'm reading Romeo and Juilet. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
*rubs feet with towel, and wipes forehead.* "Thank god, there all right!" lol ~Alex <3
from kissme-x-x- :
thanks :]
from imatwin :
*jumps into a puddle of freezing cold water* lol. ~Alex
from imatwin :
Hahahahaha...wait! NO! Those are favorite shoes! lol. ~Alex <3
from herdarlinsin :
I womnder if good ol St Augustine still looks the same. I lived there once, once upon a time, 20 years ago. I hope you enjoy yourself and have a great time.
from kissme-x-x- :
argh. it just stresses me out alot. =[[[
from rainbowqueen :
Thats the link to the MOMMIE Awards. In honor of how much these companies are polluting us.
from kissme-x-x- :
lol. its ok. i wont bore you with the details. :]. x
from kissme-x-x- :
what ya wanna know? lol x
from miedema2002 :
I hate with how much she has made me wait. If she ever asked me back even if it was out of the blue I would still say yes. I could never say no. Isn't that sad?
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. Yeah, Jenna and I had this connection from the first time we talked and even moreso when we met. It's like we had instant chemistry and we just clicked. That doesn't happen every day and all she could say when I brought it up was try not to dwell on it. It sucks how easily she was willing to throw something so special away.
from miedema2002 :
If I can show her I've moved on then maybe it will be better.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the note. I will always love her, but I am having a hard time accepting it's over. Oh well in time it's only been a month anyway. I am still confused as to her feelings as well. It's not like she would openly admit anything because y'know she shut herself off,but whatever. Keep rooting for me!
from meganwaits :
Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. Oh, and 2.21.07 entry - great and intense read.
from imatwin :
Lmao. Thanks for the kind words and other more amusing words. :P Sorry for confusing you on myspace :D I thought you would remember the picture. Meh. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yeah, maybe I'll go. I dunno. I feel sorry for Sam because this has happened to her, and it wasn't her choice, it was just what she was born into. Sigh. I wish there was more I could do for her, but there isn't besides being there when she falls and realizes everything that she's done. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yeah, I'm always sick. My mum actually wants to take me to the doctors about it, but I feel it's not really nessary. I've always been the sick kid since I was a baby. I think it has to do with the fact that I was born 5 weeks early, and was really sick with jodess (sp?) for about 2 weeks. Meh. I hate being sick, but I'm used to it. But I'm feeling a little better today! ~Alex <3 *Hugs*
from herdarlinsin :
Those typos are not from me.. her laptop did it. :P
from herdarlinsin :
I think America Idol this season has gone off the deep end of the ocean. Where is the reality is reality tv ? Certainly not there. Noiw we have demented characters jumpoing out of the woodowork begaving like morons with no morals or values or talent, or get upset when they are told that they suck. What happened to the real television shows?? Pft. I understand why Amy (my Gf) appreciates The L Word now lol
from imatwin :
It's not that I'm punishing him for it, it's just I don't like it. Don't ask why, because I've always been like that. I think it's more that we can't really communicate to each other what we mean (when it comes to vocal techinque), and its like there's this wall, and I don't always know what he's talking about. But when other's say it, I do. Do you understand? Anyways, *hugs* right back to you. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Hahahahah...yeah that's what I was thinking as she complained about how much it sucked. I think she's sort of become an aloholic. She can't live without it sort of thing. Sigh. I don't know what to do or say. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
http://youtube.com/watch?v=H2XlJBXs_ko&mode=related&search=
from rainbowqueen :
It was German choclate shaped like a fish, silly! LOL, the Simpson's are awesome, damn you!
from imatwin :
That's cool, sounds like fun. I don't know really what to say to him. I mean when he came down he seemed pretty happy, but I wasn't sure if that was a 'mask' so to speak or something that would only last a few days. I don't know... ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Lol. that's what I'm trying to do. Hows your weekend going? ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I'm being dumb because I always tell myself "I can't do it" or something like that. I don't think I'm really great at anything. So yeah...that's what I'm being dumb about. ~Alex <3 *hugs*
from imatwin :
Trust me, I am too. And you only do 'this' to yourself because it's something every one does. And eventually we just learn to stop. *Hugs* ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
Aw, thanks. Your so cute. I hate it too, when people have bad days. You just wanna make them smile and hug them until their all happy and foget all the crappiness of the day! *breath* Thanks for the hugs, you get some too! *HUGSHUGS* ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
Your valantines day practically ripped my the thoughts right out of my head and put them into words! only I would be thinking of Jenna not Julia.
from imatwin :
Hey, thanks for that note. I'm glad your thinking or me -doesn't make me feel completely alone in this crazy world. I know what you mean, I know I'm sensitive, and I guess it's a downfall of mine. I remember when I was stronger, but lately it's been getting to me more and more. Sigh. I just hold on to what ever I can that gets me through the day. But today was good, so I guess I have that to hold to. ~Alex <3 (Hugs)
from meganwaits :
arh...matey..sounds like you might be having some luck with the pirate thing.
from imatwin :
Hey, my weekend was pretty laid back -just what I needed. I didn't do much, just was lazy around the house mixed in with periodic work-out sessions. lol. That sounds strange for some reason. I delt with some moments with Sam -she got kicked out of her house on Friday and is staying at our friends house, so she might be coming to stay with me for a while. Meh. What can I say? I'm glad your weekend was good, I'm glad your happy. Monday's suck! But today wasn't too bad. ttyl, hun. ~Alex <3
from herdarlinsin :
I dont if anyie ever reads your little "wanting" comments beneath your entries, but I do, and your comment about wanting to get laid made me smile. I hope your trip is going well still. I'm glad that you're feeling better about yourself. :)
from miedema2002 :
Congrats on the fun weekend!! Now that is how you meet awesome people!! :)
from miedema2002 :
Yes, you are right. What happened in those two incidences were mostly my fault, but hers too because she acted on her part as well. I find that my overall relationship friendly/other has improved since I have kept Ella out of the picture. She can be Jennas friend I don't care they don't talk much either, but I don't feel like I need her in my life as cruel as that sounds. I am still trying to get over this whole thinking of myself as a bad person when I feel this way.
from miedema2002 :
I know I should. I just don't want to hurt her feelings. But she gets inbetween Jenna and I in a bad way I notice and even she is angry at her and keeping her in line shall we say. I am the type of person who has good intentions and wants to spare peoples feelings.
from miedema2002 :
sorry she seemed dead serious on splitting Jenna and I up. and her getting into my head with all the stuff giving me paranoia and freaking me out. I don't know what to do.
from miedema2002 :
But the thing is that she is nice to me still. I don't think she is aware that she is being a bad friend unless she is putting on an act. She just seemed so dead against splitting Jenna and I up with all her negative talk and getting into my head with all. i don't know if she is aware of her actions or not? That is why this is so tough for me to do.
from miedema2002 :
It's hard to find someone with whom you have chemistry with and who is honest and loyal, but they're out there. When you least suspect it you will find that woman. It takes patience which is the hardest part! Thanks for the note. Yeah, I feel bad not liking her, but I just have this feeling that she is really bad for me. But then I think of the nice things she has done like we go shopping and she has good fashion sense so she showed me what was in style meanwhile commenting on how bad mine was, so I believed it. Only my friends say I have good fashion sense and I like what I wear lol! sorry rambled on there. Anyways what I'm trying to say is that I have a bad feeling about her. I wish I could tell her to go away without hurting her feelings, but I'm not that type of person. She'll get the hint eventually maybe.
from imatwin :
Thanks, I guess I was just thinking a little insane at the time. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
That's the only reason Communism would fail. :(
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, I hope I can keep my damn ADD mind focused enough to finish it. But yeah, too bad there are so many bastards and retards in the world hurting other people.
from rainbowqueen :
People like to suppress those that are weak. maybe I should start a power movement to make women stronger, so we can kick their uniformed asses. (And it will be for anyone who is weak, not just women. I am not sexist)
from rainbowqueen :
I know, I should do work...I did start my essay. Bah. Yeah the greeks did think that, but look at most religions and you will see that same pattern. Women=evil..Pandora opened the box, Eve ate the apple. Yeah.
from imatwin :
Hahahaha...yeah. When her friends finally got pregnant (they'd been trying for a really long time) my mum laughed and said, "Wouldn't it be funy if you had twins." And then they did. We were all really surprised. My mum says she can see my sister and I in them. ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. Yes, that is a big step when it comes to my reasoning myself out of self-destruction. It was tiring but I made it through. It will hopefully get easier.
from imatwin :
lol. Thanks. I actually smiled. lol ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I wish I could. But seeing as I live on the other side of the continent pretty much it be'd kind of hard. If I had someone with me constantly it would be so much easier to get fit. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
Awww, I don't think life hates you. It's just tough right now.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks! hee hee
from rainbowqueen :
If only it were that simple. I think it's his drive for life, how he cares about everything.
from miedema2002 :
Hell yeah! This is going to be my year!! I may have lost sight of that goal for awhile but it's back in motion!!!
from imatwin :
I used to love the movie, but now that I've seen it a hundred times over its just so....boring. :D ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
Thanks.
from imatwin :
I think honestly my only problem was that I was eating really big meals, and drinking way too much pop. My trick to not eating big meals is using smaller plates and filling them up because to your brain it looks like your eating more then you really are. That's what I do anyways. Oh and all I eat is salad half the time, I swear. I love the stuff. Hopefully you'll start loosing weight too -I'm rooting for ya! ~Alex <3
from meganwaits :
Its just I have no energy. I need sleep. And lots of it. Hope your winter is better than mine.
from aileenp :
hi..nothing's wrong with you...Just that....You loved so much....(long time no speak) >^_^<
from kissme-x-x- :
it does
from kissme-x-x- :
awww i just wishhe was here now i feel in the mood to solve my sit. x
from kissme-x-x- :
its gay ive never had someone on valentines day =[[[ and unless i move quickly i wont have one this year either x
from kissme-x-x- :
ooooo <br>your gooood <br>=]]]<br>just need him to come online now<br><br>x
from kissme-x-x- :
yeh but the last time i asked someone i ended up humiliated, depressed and i lost a friend. =|
from kissme-x-x- :
nahh well not really i want someone else =]]] but i dont know if he wants me =| x
from imatwin :
hahahah...you know I didm't mean it. She seemed to notice that I was bothered by it and came to my room and said sorry, and that it actually didn't have anything to do with me. Something to do with work. ~Alex <3
from no7blvd :
yeah I know how it feels. it's just like sitting still at the station, watching trains passing by. I can't catch up, and the trains never stop for me.
from imatwin :
Shut up. It really has disappeared. You sound like my mum when I can't find something. :D Ha, that's right. I said you were like my mum. :P lol ~Alex <3
from kissme-x-x- :
yes but i dotn want him too!!!!! x
from no7blvd :
Hey it's okay. all u need is time. I know this sounds boring, but it is true. sometimes, time can be a good therapy.:) p.s. yeah I like hiking. I like it when I make it to the top and overlook the view below. its cool. =b
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I don't blame people for thinking I'm a bitch right now. I frankly think that of myself. Wish me luck that I sort this out.
from rainbowqueen :
Pfft...what wouldn't YOU do? LOL
from miedema2002 :
Yeah, I feel horrible! I have never felt so compelled to act like this. I've never been this way before. I don't know what's wrong with me! I am going to talk about it with my counselor and get to the bottom of this on Thursday.
from imatwin :
lol. I'm glad I can make you laugh. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
hahahahaha.... I do have pic's, but I have this problem with taking serious ones -so I look really silly in most of them :P And for some strange reasons you saying that really doesn't sound creepy. :X ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
I agree which is what I told her. That is why I am not taking it. I feel I have given her a fair chance. If I don't see progress by the end of this week I'm ending it.
from miedema2002 :
She is confused about a lot of things. I don't think she knows what she wants or how to manage a relationship. I am his first REAL relationship and I think she is just lost on what to do. Plus her busy schedule is. She means well, but I think it is her confusion that is making this hard.
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the confidence. I understand what you mean. I still can't help feeling cruel. You are supposed to love your family no matter what. I don't have any dependence on at all except for the emotional aspect. Something deep emotionally still keeps me rooted and susceptible to their painful ways. I don't know how to let go without feeling guilty and hearing them make me feel guilty.
from imatwin :
Exactly. And I wish I could just have one person where I could talk to them in person, and not feel completely dumb.
from imatwin :
Thanks, your sweet. My problem is I don't know what to say. Probably because like you, I like to listen and and I don't know how to talk about myself without feeling weird. Do you get what I mean? ~Alex <3
from ghost-rain :
I've noticed over the course of the last week or so that we keep updating our diaries within minutes of each other. I took that as a sign that I should be here. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, but from what you've written about "her", it seems that you will be much better off after your heart heals, and it WILL...in time...how much time, of course, depends on how you deal. The diary is good for you. She sounds like an emotional vampire. I will keep reading, and I hope you take care. Here's sending some positive thoughts your way. :) Take care, ~Amber
from entragian :
zomg!! i play world of warcraft too (in reference to your latest post). twisting nether, horde, name; entragiana. lol...that is soo cool.<33
from imatwin :
lol, nice. ~Alex <3
from no7blvd :
I don't play games... but i'm glad that you are back to yourself. take care. :)
from imatwin :
Yeah... I swear every day something else comes up to add to the list of things that are making me sick. I haven't felt this crappy since I got my tonsils removed. ~Alex <3
from herdarlinsin :
You can talk to me om Yahoo - if youd like. I dont make near as many typos :P
from herdarlinsin :
The beginning of heling aways comes in baby steps. I am proud of everything you have accomplished without her. But I can also relate to how much it still hurts. It will for a while still. You have come a great distance from where you were before, 5 months ago. I hope you feel more accomplished than you do as a failure, because youre not a failure. She lost out on the best thing that ever hppened to her; you. Maybe some day she'll realize that - but the better partof that is- inthe future, you will be better, and for once she will be suffering her own heartache the wahe hurt you. Stand tall my friend, you have a lot to be proud of.
from inprivate :
I love the way you express yourself. It's sad that the feelings you talk about are those of heartbreak, but at least you're not in a situation where your heart is in the hands of someone else anymore.
from xeison :
You do not need to thank me for anything. It was nice to meet you, even though it was not the best of situations. You are, from what i can tell, a very good person, who hasnt gotten their fair share. Hopefully one day, you will get that.
from xeison :
im glad that Julia will not be able to hurt you anymore. i hope things work out for you. im sorry for all the pain that was caused to you. Angel didnt have anything to do with her Friends doing what she did, but you are right that she didnt stop them, and im sorry for that. i hope your pain will be able to heal.
from xeison :
Well, if that is what happened, i am truly sorry, sometimes people get very Depressed and dont realize what they are doing to others, and i am truly sorry for this. i hope that this can be resolved, but ultimatly this is between you and Angel, and therefore, either you or her must take the initiative in that, i can not do that for her. i just ask this, im sure you are probably already planning on this, but if neither of you chooses to try and resolve this, then, can you both at least, just leave each other alone? So that no further pain is caused to either of you? Is that fair? Again, im sorry for what happened. You said you were very hurt, may i ask what happened? i do not know much about you, but does it have to do with the girl you love, Julia, is she still hurting you?
from imatwin :
Thanks, I wish there was something I could do for you. I think I'm going to go to sleep now. Man, I really am sick, I'm going to bed at 7:30! Night, ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Thanks. Yeah, I wish I could have someone doing that for me. My mum is sortive doing that, but mostly my family is so used to me being sick, that now I've just learned not to ask because I know they'll give me a hard time. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
You're way too kind. :)
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks for your advice, you're an awesome friend.
from imatwin :
I sort of understand what you mean. Life taught me something, not nessarily school. Right? I wish you could feel happy too. I'm going to bed now. Good night ~Alex <3
from xeison :
i asked Angel about the incident, and from what she tells me, and if you disagree with her account on the story, then i would like to hear your side of it, but she tells me you wanted to send her a holiday card, which i think was very nice of you to offer her. She says though, that because it was the internet, she did not want to give you her address, which i think is also fair but if you disagree, i would be interested in knowing how you felt about this. She tells me she did thank you for the thought of wanting to send her a card and for caring about her, do you recall receiving a thanks from her, or is she the only one who remembers this being stated? i also asked her what she said to you about the holidays and she said she stated, "i told him it was great that he enjoyed the holidays, just that if he lived in the same house i did, he would understand why i didn't like them." She also said she wished you a happy holidays, did she? As for the second event, with her saying "tough shit." i think she may have worded it badly, and so you thought she was saying it to you, which i can then see being very offensive, and i can therefore see why you replied a you did. i think she meant that she lacked clarity, but instead of "tough shit" i probably would have used "alas" or "oh well", but basically she meant that although she is inclear, it is just something that will happen, becuase it is her diary, and i dont think she meant it in an aggressive or offensive manner. i can also understand though that you did not do anything wrong based off the way you saw it. May i ask, have you had any other problems with her? Otherwise, is there some way we can resolve this?
from xeison :
Actually, im not her Sister, but may i ask, what she did that you consider bitchy? You said she has been bitchy to you since the holidays, may i ask what she did?
from rainbowqueen :
I know, I've seen the videos. ;)
from rainbowqueen :
Now you're going to be easy to convince to join in my world domination scheme.
from rainbowqueen :
*gives you giant baggie of Special Top Secret Cathy Puppetry leaves
from rainbowqueen :
*gives you giant baggie of Special Top Secret Cathy Puppetry leaves
from rainbowqueen :
Why? Do you want some?
from imatwin :
Yeah, and with a grade eight. I had a feeling that's what was going on. :D ~Alex
from imatwin :
Thank you. Your so sweet. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I fear becoming what my father was before my mum slapped some sense in him. He was an alcoholic until he lost his job, and cheeted on my mum with a close friend of there's because he was so drunk. My mum told him that she was going to take my sister and brother and me back to Ottawa to live with her parents unless he didn't stop drinking. He was sober from than on. I don't remember very much of any of that. I was three, but my brother does, so that's why he's so close with my mum. Anyways I'm afraid to become him. What he was. ~Alex
from herdarlinsin :
Thanks. I like all of your entries too, by the way. I just never find enough time to tell you that. Im sorry for that.
from imatwin :
I hope that you get there too. I hope that you can forget her to. So that you can move on. ~Alex <3 ((hugs))
from xeison :
im sorry to bother you, but may i ask you something?
from thatgirlx :
Who said I was complaining? I was just trying to explain the situation, and now in return I get THIS? Okay. You've had panic attacks. Big fucking deal. It doesn't mean you know me. I never claimed to be a good person or a strong person or the type of person who makes smart decisions or deals with confrontation in a healthy way. Maybe you can compose yourself and speak your mind and work out your issues not give a second thought about it, but that's just not me. It never WILL be me. If you can't deal with that, well then I guess that's your loss, because I don't have any more room for negativity in my life.
from thatgirlx :
I never said getting fired didn't scare me. If I didn't want the job anymore (which sometimes I don't) I would have just gotten up and walked out of there. What I meant was, if she's willing to take it that far, she can be my guest, seeing as how she finds me uncapable of doing my job, but when it comes down to it, it's going to quite difficult seeing as how she seems to be making this stuff up just to get a reaction out of me. As for not saying exactly what I felt, well, if you've experienced the depths of the panic attacks I get (which i'm not saying necessarily you haven't, but everyones different) than you would understand that it's hard to think, hard to breathe and impossible to talk while you're having one. By the time I had composed myself enough to ramble off some nonsense so they'd all finally be satisfied, I was feeling much more ashamed and embarrassed than angry and upset and like I had to be sticking up for myself. I wanted to just get out of there so I could deal with my panic attack on my own because having one in front of three people you hardly even know--well, let's just say it makes the attack much much worse than say if it happened when you were at home. Not everything is quite and black and white as it seems, and yes I realize you're entitled to your opinion and I did a horrible job of explaining myself in that entry (which I tend to do, but tough shit, it's my diary) but I just thought I should make you aware that I'm not intentionally hiding or as you put it "pussy-footing around the truth."
from dearkate :
Hahahaha. So guess what. Today my friend Johnathan took up to saying "hey adrianne" when he's looking for me and then "ahh there she is" when i'm found. Haha, that made me laugh extra hard, especially since we were talking about the name Rocky this morning.
from miedema2002 :
Thank you. I am so lucky to have someone like him! He could have said "screw you!" but didn't. I know you will find the same kind of love one day.
from imatwin :
You remind me so much of my brother. After his break up with his girlfriend Julia (what a considence), I was always giving hugs. It was rather weird thought, because like you, he's a big tough guy. Same goes for you, if you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to send an e-mail or note. Sometimes I feel older then 15. take care. And once again ((HUGS)) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
It's not always warm and cheerful outside of my home sometimes. Most days I feel like I have no where to go, to escape. I'm sure eventually your life will all make sense, you just have to keep moving on through the pain until it's gone. Take care, and ((hugs)) ~Alex <3
from miedema2002 :
I agree thank you for the advice. I will do it.
from miedema2002 :
oh I almost forgot. I am a closeted bi-sexual so they don't know about my attraction to women at all. This is another problem. It's like hitting them with twice the shock. If you know what I mean.
from miedema2002 :
ok here is the story. Simon(Jenna his female name) are one in the same person. His gender on the outside is that of a male, but inside he feels female hence why he identifies himself as such e.g. the name Jenna. This considers him to be Trans-sexual. Therefore I see Simon(Jenna) as the female he considers to be which means I think of us in a lesbian relationship gf and gf despite outside appearances. I have been bi-sexual since 10th grade, but never accepted it until college. My family(dad, step mom, mom, step dad etc.) are very closed minded and the whole trans thing may confuse them and I'm not sure what to call our relationship infront of them because(if you refer to the entry) nothing seems to fit that will deter from confusing them. Got it? You may want to read this over a few times.
from miedema2002 :
What are you confused about?
from rainbowqueen :
Awww, you are too sweet! I'm glad I'm ok too. I over worried on that one, I guess. Thanks for the concern. *hugs and just awesome happiness
from imatwin :
Aw, I wish you didn't. I wish I could take it all away. ((HUGS)) ~Alex <333333 (you get six hearts because you're that cool)
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, your comments are well appreciated! =^.^= P.S. It will get better, you are a great person with much to offer someone. *HUGS!
from crzybtiful :
I am proud of you for trying to move on. It wont be easy but it will get better and you have freinds to talk to who know EXACTLY how you feel. You need to talk we are here or on myspace so vent away if you need to.
from miedema2002 :
Because I don't want the average joe finding it out there on the net. If you want my username and password the username is emily and the password is bubbles.
from imatwin :
It's more of she doesn't think that she is part of the problem, and that she's always innocent. But I'm happy the way things are, and I don't think its natural to have everyone get along, and just talk to each other. It just feels too televisonish to me. Or maybe I'm the one that's screwed up. I've never been that good at explaining myself.
from imatwin :
I love my mum so much, but sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right, and that there's higher expectations from me because my mum is this great person, when really they only see one side of her. I hate it, but I'm afraid to say anything because I know it will upset her because all she wants is our happiness. See what I mean? It's too difficult and confusing to do anything about it, and I just have to live with it. Sigh. My brain hurts. lol. ~Alex <3
from crzybtiful :
I was convinced for the longest time that maybe I didn't deserve love. That I did something so bad in my past that I had to be punished. There is meaning behind everything that happens in life. I had to live through a lot of pain and heartache to get to the amazing love I have now. But the past has made me a better person for this relationship. Have faith my friend.
from imatwin :
I'm glad someone else thinks that. And your not some senile old fool. :) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
She said she didn't see or hear me -yeah right. I had been banging the door. My feet are fine now, just a little sore if I bend them a lot. Sigh. I can feel its going to be a rough month.
from herdarlinsin :
Why??
from herdarlinsin :
Its okay to cry. You need time my friend. You need so much to heal, from so many past burdens. It saddens that some of it still has a pull on you. But, I also know how hard it is to not let yourself get dragged down too. You are a beautiful soul. As long as you know that, everything else will seem small.
from herdarlinsin :
dont be sad. please
from herdarlinsin :
Youre amazing (even if you dont believe a word that comes out of my mouth) just know that its the truth. You'll rise above all of this that is bringing you down. You'll see.
from cherrygash :
that's great. i hope it works out
from cherrygash :
you are putting yourself in a cycle my dear. at least this is what it sounds like. relationships.....REAL ones, with real compassion, kindness, and love....don't go like this. and i know once you've held onto that person, the person who you can hold and feel everything and say nothing at the same time, it feels right. For me, it felt so right...so right at the beginning that I fought for over 2 years at something I thought that was just an obstacle. When someone loves you, they accept you, you accept eachother AS YOU ARE, people don't change, you can't change people, and if people do change...it takes years, and it has to be THEIR commitment. I'm so sorry to see you going through this hon, but you Cannot love and hate someone at the same time, it's not a truth.
from cherrygash :
Thank god, either that or i'm gonna have to learn to tie a noose. but, we'll just call it 'my party' and then i'll give you names and addresses over the phone!! but other than that, all girls, (Good for U eh?) and there are going to be some blonde one(s), one who might bring her kid, and we can't forget all that alcohol...the gap-toothed people like that alot~! omg, maybe i've gone too far with this. ^*(&(*smirk
from miedema2002 :
Yes, I am a real girl. And he is a guy, but he feels like a girl in a guys body. He doesn't want the surgery, but even if he did I wouldn't care either way. He has a great personality and that is what matters to me.
from miedema2002 :
haha it's ok. He is transgender to use the correct term, but that doesn't bother me at all.
from miedema2002 :
haha yes father lol! I'll have way too much fun lol!!
from miedema2002 :
I agree with you completely.
from rainbowqueen :
The only thing that's hard to forget is that I still had feelings for him, but don't worry that's long over. I don't really have the proof to turn him in, it all got erased from my laptop where he had it.
from imatwin :
lol
from imatwin :
Well last year my teacher was a guy, and he didn't have the patients for anyone, and he wouldn't sing. And in grade six we had a male teacher lead the choir, and he didn't know what he was doing. But this guy was okay, for now.
from miedema2002 :
I have been wondering this for awhile but hesitant to ask you in fear you would be offended. How old are you?
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the kind words. I used to agitate her when I was younger when I knew that no matter what I did she would bitch anyway. Now I try to stay out of her way and she still starts shit. She actually threatened to leave my dad once and told my dad that she felt like he chose me over her then they went on vacation and everything was fine(or so dad said) I dunno. I'm just protecting myself and staying away period. Let them sort it out. None of my business. As long as I can talk to my dad on the phone and see him once and awhile then that's all I care about.
from thatgirlx :
Ummm... no?
from evangeline06 :
I'm glad you feel like you're on the right path and feeling good because of it! What a great way to start off the new year! I'm Evie by the way. Thank you for adding me to your favorites.
from entragian :
And thank you for your kind words :)
from entragian :
It's so hard not to =/. I'm that person that feels bad about everything. Happy New Year =)
from imatwin :
Happy New Year! ~Alex XO <3
from cherrygash :
hey stranger- just on here to give you major brownie points for "Justice is served! A la mode!!' freaking A man.....freakin a all i can say is, love doesn't hurt this much
from rainbowqueen :
I swear I wasn't high!!!!!!!!!! Except maybe on life.
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, I know what you mean. I don't want to hurt anyone and I am not sure who to choose, they're all so great and wonderful, not like anyone I've met before.
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, I never thought chosing a guy out of 3 great ones would be a problem. LOL
from imatwin :
lol....okay. I was thinking the same thing way back when I saw the picture of you and Julia. Which, as I'm going to echo you, is not a bad thing! lol. It's funny how that happens.
from imatwin :
I understand completely. It's harder, I think, because I'm a teen, and there are a lot more factors. But also it's better because I won't grow up and become some disfunctional adult. :P Yeah, you can't here it in the video but I'm saying over and over "Sam give me the goddamn camera." And then there's this bit where she's pointing it at our friend mike, while I'm trying to grab it from her. Yep. That's what I have to deal with. I look horrible too :D Thanks for the notes :) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I want to so bad. I just want to forget about it all, and feel like I'm starting fresh. I know I should just face it, but I don't know how. Do you know what I mean? There are so many things that go along with it, and I have so many other things to face. Sigh. I'm more confused then I sound. ~Alex <3
from herdarlinsin :
It's about time for hells sake. I'm glad he's dead. What better gift could you ask for, for a New Year!
from imatwin :
lmao. I think my sister is dying from it. And it's windex he needs. Oh, wait that's an inside joke. If you've ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding, you'd understand. Okay, I'm going to shut up now. :D ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, that means a lot to me. I feel so happy tonight!!!!!
from rainbowqueen :
That's true, but I have a date set for Saturday with the second Matt, that might complicate things a bit. I haven't been lying to either, but they don't know they're only one of two Matts...
from meganwaits :
awww...you'll know what to do with yourself once you get that XBox openned up. Hope you have lots of fun this holiday! And a shiney new year.
from rainbowqueen :
lol, this is what my best friend decided: Matt Number one is Matt Super hero Matt Number Two is Matt Mojo. Thanks for your support!
from rainbowqueen :
Awww, the sweet taste of paybacks.
from imatwin :
lol. I think it's been nailed in my head. *ouch* lol. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
*shrugs* i think it's something in my brain that makes me think that everyone elses problems are far more important then mine.
from imatwin :
I was expecting you to say that. As soon as I say it to anyone they always say that. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
yeah they'll listen and remember for like a week then forget and start over again. I told my dad that I was annoyed with him always making fun of me and he told me that if he ever did all I had to say was cheese or something. Strange I know, but it worked once. And then he just stopped doing it, but now he forgets. Sigh. I just don't how to make them listen. I know my problems seem like nothing. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
that's just it, I don't know what to say it to them. If there's one things you may have noticed, is that I have a problem opening up to my family and people I know. I have an easier time writing in my diary for people I don't know to read, then people I know and are close to. It's sad really. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
Thank you so much, because I was beginning to feel like an outsider in the world of drinking, like a child perhaps. I think I will stick to my choices, unless I ever truely want to. It's nice to have someone to tell me that, you made my day!
from herdarlinsin :
Your goodbyes, were they final, or just after the chat was over? I would like to hope that they were your final goodbyes so you can finally adjust and start to move on. Even if it is slowly. Taking baby steps to start letting go is better than none at all. Although I have found it ironic as hell how us humans try so hard to forget and let go, and spend just a few seconds remembering everything we've expierenced with a loved one. Especially someone who we were madly in love with. *sigh* It's like a game of cat and mouse. Your mind and heart will never really let go of the letting go. I think we just pretend as the weeks and months and years move on. Its like a game of teasing - this whole scene of the unforeseen game of love and letting go ... it's just foreplay all over again, only under a different light.
from rainbowqueen :
Me too!!!
from imatwin :
lol, you know I was joking. Thanks for putting a smile on my face, espeically because I feel so sick right now. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
Oh, don't you know how to spoil the party, don't you?
from miedema2002 :
haha yeah it's just a yearly review. A recap of everything that has happened this year or at least the important things. I hope that next year is better too. I will for sure shape up in my academics like I used to be. No more crap in that department and no more cutting and no more shit from parents I'm going to not let it bother me anymore and let it come what may. I am also going to enjoy single life and make new friends! New years at my friends house will for sure bring a positive start to 2007! I hope you are doing ok. We all want the best for you here at D-land I know that! Bye.
from imatwin :
haha you know your getting old when you start saying things like that. lol. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Weelll...it was a bit more then 'a tiny bit' :D Enough to make me fall down the stairs and feel sick...hehehe...but I had fun while it lasted. I forgot to mention it in my last entry, but Sam and I passed out on her couch, so we kind of sleeped it off. :D I'm still a little light headed. Does this sound normal? lol. take care. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lmao. What can I say? You should come to Oshawa, I'm an angel compared to most of the kids that live here. It's sad really, what's happening to my generation. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
*whistles a little tune while looking away* maybe... :D ~Alex
from voidedchaos :
Thanks, I need to hear stuff like that every once in a while like any other person... even if it doesn't feel like it helps that much sometimes - it's believe somebody might care.
from imatwin :
I'm feeling worse now
from herdarlinsin :
Sometimes its opbscene when you realize how many emotional battles you have combating against you. Youd like to pretend to think there isonly one, when in factthere are 4 or more things you're tryingt o work through all at one time. The stress becomes unbearable, and you begin to think you will never find a way out. But, we do. In our own time, we always do. Everything takes baby steps, until you're able to see yourself at your final level of moving on, self-appreciation, or just within being proud of accomplishing several things when you didnt think you had in you. I will find my way, and you will find yours. Everything takes time, its just how we handle everything deep inside of ourselves during that length of time. We can use it to better ourselves, or abuse it and ruin oursleves. I'd rather take what I learned ib the course of the relationship I had with Tammy, and use it to better myself for the unknown. Why? Because she is a great teacher of all of the things I never profesed. Their is only grief from what was left behind, only if we allow it. Now is the time to stand up, and take a stand. Make a new beginning. We've done it before, we can do it again.. and again.. and again. I have faith in you.
from sassyass2132 :
you are welcome I like I said ive been there and it hurts like hell.. You will be o.k. just remeber who you are and what you have to offer. Then move forward easier said then done I know but to get over this you have to live for today and not the past.
from entragian :
I don't know. Since I've been in high school, the whole concept of an afterlife and a higher being seems kind of like bull...it's all those science classes I took...haha...everything had a logical explanation and its theories were backed by evidence. I've never seen evidence of there being any sort of higher being, and I feel as if I do not serve any purpose, and that my life will be college, marriage, kids, death. I get sad about that, because I don't want to live a self-involved life. I want to do something great, and since I've seen no proof of there being an afterlife, it's hard for me to accept death...and accept a life of mediocrity. GAH!! I don't know how to delete the notes thing, sorry. I've been reading your diary for a while, and some of it breaks my heart. It's nice knowing that there are people in this world that care about someone THAT much. People like you make me believe in love. <3
from miedema2002 :
Thanks. I'll keep it in mind.
from miedema2002 :
wow, has he stopped? has he gotten help? Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone. It is going to be a hard road reaching out to people despite my past. I am going to have to make the few friends that have not hurt me in mind all the time. I know they will be there for me.
from herdarlinsin :
Thanks for the add :)
from sassyass2132 :
sweetie, I know you dont know me but I am crzybtiful's g/f. I know how you feel I was there, my world was pulled out from under me and I didnt see it coming. my ex and I were together for over 6 years and in lesbain years thats like 60, lol.. and it been 6 mths today sense she walked out on me with no warning, anyway to get to the point I had some very low moments Hell I almost blew my head off (thank GOD for recoil that im still here) my point is that time heals all wounds and even tho you dont think you will ever make it, you will. You just have to work at it. I was blessed by having crzybtiful walk into my life and make me so very happy again.. when you least expect it the woman of your dreams will walk in the door and the door to the ex will close and you will relize you deserve better and are worth so much.
from crzybtiful :
hang in there hun it will all work out. I know it sucks right now but don't give up. Everything happens for a reason and maybe you were meant to be with someone else. Someone who can make you happier than you have ever been and someone who needs a man like you to make her life complete. Can't say how long that will take but you wont find her stuck in pergatory. Get out there hun..Live life! And yes the surgery is a happy thing...i am tired of being in pain all the time.
from thatgirlx :
Thanks. I'm all right right now... my backs not as bad as it was yesterday. I still feel... ill though. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just really don't want to do to the doctor. But if I don't start feeling better soon I'll go. Okay? Thanks again.
from crzybtiful :
I wish there was something I could tell you that would make it all better. Life is just not that simple. I have been where you are, convinced I would never be happy or find love again. Just when you are not looking it hits you out of nowhere. Easier said than done, I know. But you cannot go forward with your life until you let go of the past. It will consume you until you are nothing else. You are missing out on life, it IS worth living.
from imatwin :
yeah..thanks to my brother. Nah, I love it! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Ahhh, boys and there toys. lol :) ~Alex <3
from kissme-x-x- :
ha so could i
from kissme-x-x- :
ok ill try knitting XD
from kissme-x-x- :
yeh thats easy to say but when i dont have the energy to be myself because im constantly dreaming abotu him and waking up. its not
from kissme-x-x- :
riiiiight but yeh....i dunoo what to do about it! any advice?
from kissme-x-x- :
yeh hope not lol i must sound so pathetic XD
from kissme-x-x- :
lol true true but hes gone now and im a bit saddd =[[
from kissme-x-x- :
shuttup! lol act your age man
from kissme-x-x- :
ha im talking to him now =]]]
from kissme-x-x- :
hehe manly chuckle *giggle*
from kissme-x-x- :
errrm no eeeep
from kissme-x-x- :
god dammit
from kissme-x-x- :
wait i think we have a slight misunderstanding i know his name you dont
from kissme-x-x- :
but i have talked to him loads of times. so nuuhh! in fact he was textin me last night which didnt help but "get him out of my head" situation.
from kissme-x-x- :
shut up it is not first sight. i seenhim loads ofd time. dont get iffy cos u dotn know his name so you cant get back at me :P and ye i know i did cos im a fish
from kissme-x-x- :
actually its not bigga deal cos y dont know his nammme!! m,wah ha ha ha
from kissme-x-x- :
[=<
from kissme-x-x- :
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
from kissme-x-x- :
oh shuttup its not my fault that hes like really good looking and nice and sweet......and yeh shuttup!! XD
from kissme-x-x- :
whats so funny
from imatwin :
no need to tell me how cure I am. I already know it! lol. Yeah... I'm still bored.
from imatwin :
Opps. I meant "if your <i>not</i> able to open...etc." Just though, you know... clear it up. lol. I'm soooo bored... ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lol. I just read your profile, and I found it funny the part where your like, "and if your able to open your heart, then why are you reading my diary?" Or something like that. I just found it really funny. Ahaha... oh and your one entry away from 400 entries. Just thought you might want to know :D Can't you tell I'm bored? ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I miss the snow too! lol. And I think your going through that angry stage after a break up. And good for you. It's always feels nice after you rant. :D Hang in there, ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
oh, boo hoo. jks. lol. I could wear a sweater, a wool coat, a scarf, mittens, and a hat and still be frezzing. It would just make me feel better if there was snow on the ground. Where my Gran lives they got like three feet of snow! I couldn't believe it. ttyl ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
It's -2, and feels like -10. And still no snow to speak of :( lol. ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
hey dude, you're not alone...God is always with you, which sometimes scares the shit outta me!! he anywhoo i know you're jealous of my pot pies, just put em in the waver and less than 5 min, you have deliciousness... ahhhhh, but i did actually eat something else good for me today, a banana......my...lastone....- fuck! now i have to go back to the grocery store HeLLo fruit and vegetable isle!
from imatwin :
lol. I know you were joking. I was just saying is anyone else said that, I'd be a little scared. lol. But yeah, I'm talking to her right now, and she was freaking out because she hasn't talked to me for a while, and she missed my whole listening thing. As weird as it is to feel like it, I like feeling needed. ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
I thought that song would fit you perfectly. I think it fits with anyone who has gone through a really bad break-up like yours. It's to bad the song was actually written about a guy who the lead singer of the band had to share an apartment or something with, and he was tired of him always being depressed or something like that. Did I just burst your bubble? If I did, I'm sorry. And you can ignored this note. :D ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
I know what you meant by your note -but it scared me a little :S lol. Rather stakerish. lol. Take care ~Alex <3
from herdarlinsin :
Your e-mail hacking accusations sound so familiar to me. Except, I DID go into my ex girlfriends e-mail, simply to prove to myself a point. Which I now wish I didn't know anything of. Don't worry though. Things do find a way of evening themsleves out. Its just hard because you're the one having to do the all of waiting, and so forth. Things will get better though. I promise.
from inprivate :
I'm sorry for the way you're feeling.
from imatwin :
I'm very glad that I do. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Opps I meant to add this: ~ALex<333 :D ~Alex <3 (lol, that' right I have to do it again)
from imatwin :
YOu!!!!! When I first started here nobody read it, but well.. me :D
from dearkate :
i think i've been cheated off my money! they should teach more practical things - not subjects like calculus - i dont even know if spelled that right. gosh, i'm falling apart :/ ha
from dearkate :
oh. i feel like i should have known that. ;P what does lamo mean? man this is NOT the day when i feel like high school helped me!
from dearkate :
whoa! :0 who's adrian??
from imatwin :
Yeah, thanks. I thought it really matched what I'm going through; something I could say to myself. Understand? But yeah... :) ~Alex <3
from dearkate :
what do you except with a name like rocky? nothing but the best, no? :P
from dearkate :
hahahahahaha! don't worry - it's a common mistake. :P yes, I am a girl even though my name is rocky. it's more like a nickname. i'm about 100.5% sure that you're a guy, but i've been wrong before... ;P
from dearkate :
Hey I commented on what you responded to what I commented on about an entry or so ago. -rocky
from imatwin :
Oh yeah, I forgot some people who read my diary now didn't read it when it happened. Well last year just after new years I attempted suicide. Well, was close enough to it anyways. I had been suffering from depression for a while, and I guess I still am, I'm just better. But yeah, that's what happened a year ago. So yeah... :D ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Wow. Don't you think it's a little odd that it happened to both you and your brother, around the same time? Yeah... I think to much... Anyways, that has got to suck royally. I don't understand how people can do stuff like that. I mean, does it make them feel good or something? Because I honestly don't see how. But I guess, this may sound weird, you could find comfort in your brother because basically both of you have gone through the same thing. Or do only sister's do that? I dunno. Take care. ~Alex <3 -oh and this one is for your brother, lol <3
from thatgirlx :
Depends on what your definition of okay is I guess.... Sorry I guess I've been kind of distant lately... I'm just... ehh.. I don't even know. Weird. Empty. Different somehow. I'm still working on putting all the pieces together... I hope you're all right... *hugs* Thanks for caring.
from imatwin :
Awww... thanks :D *Blushed my little heart out" yes, I know, I blush easily. ~Alex <333 (you get three because your that speical)
from crzybtiful :
hey go to my girlfriend's myspace site and read her blogs..they might help..especailly the forgiveness one..she is a smart cookie... http://www.myspace.com/ashliesassyass
from voidedchaos :
I'm always thinking of that & wondering if it was destiny or if I'm suppose to be alone & things like that... I read somewhere that 90% of adults still think about their first love... looks like I will be one of them. Just can't help but hope that all this suffering will turn out to be worth it.
from voidedchaos :
Everybody wants a second chance when it's over, but you end up being forced to learn from it & move on instead. Usually things work out for the best in the end but I don't see that coming... I know what you mean about being forgiving though. If my ex & I starting talking more, or if he by some miracle wanted me back again I would forgive him as long as he explained everything. But that's love - when you want something so bad idk if I could ever not give him a second chance when I think about it... I would probably regret it if I didn't - but at the same time he wouldn't likely give me a second chance so it feels pretty damn hopeless at this point.
from voidedchaos :
Someone told me this & it's sometimes comforting; they told me that If he didn't want to work for the relationship to continue than he wasn't worth it anyway. I keep trying to think of that &it's hard because I doubt I will ever get over him anyway, but having simple facts like that to back me up helps a lot~
from crzybtiful :
ok now the text on your page is overlapping the extras..still readable for the most part.
from crzybtiful :
I am sorry that brought back rough memories for you. I can't imagine losing what I have right now. I would probably be in the same mess you are. But I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything.
from voidedchaos :
That's terrible. Sad to say I know the feeling though. It's almost been a year & I'm still trying to recover... I'm worried the next step will be to try dating again & the last thing I want is to be dumped over and over. Guess we're in this together ~
from imatwin :
:) I got your e-mail, and sent one back to you. Hope you are happy! :) ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Ok to your first note: lol, yeah I know you could :D And too your last one: I undersytand completely. It may be because I'm young and have loved probably only one other person, and it took me over one year to get over them -or I really am wise beyond my years like everyone tells me. I understand why you held on, and why you hurt so much. Take care ;) ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
Yeah, I know. And I've told her if she ever tries to drag me into something bad, I'm not sticking around. And I hope to, that maybe I will be a positive influence. I'm the only reason she passed Grahpic's :D thanks for caring. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Sigh. I wish there was more I could say. ~Alex <3
from dearkate :
you also said that you didn't see your wife for 10 months - or something like that...was that because of the navy? and if you were in the navy how did you meet julia? you don't have to answer my questions. i just wanted to understand the whole thing better.
from dearkate :
so you're 30 and she's 19? julia and you. i've been reading your diary for the past 1/2 hour or so...maybe more, starting from the beginning.
from crzybtiful :
even on full screen? it looks ok to me on this end. i had someone set mine up so i don't know how to fix that shit.
from imatwin :
You make me blush. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
Hey,I hope everything gets better for you. I know sometimes I feel everything is over and then as cliche' as it is something nice happens, and I can't help but smile then.
from crzybtiful :
why is my diary broken? i haven't been in it for a while and i know someone was messing with it. Does it look ok now..please let me know i would appreciate it.
from kissme-x-x- :
i cant be arsed to be hinest! lol
from kissme-x-x- :
meh cant be arsed tbh
from kissme-x-x- :
got neither sorrrry
from kissme-x-x- :
lol goood
from kissme-x-x- :
nah you just sound younger idk?
from kissme-x-x- :
lmao 15/f/uk
from kissme-x-x- :
see i got you smiling now as well!!!! so anyway asl?
from kissme-x-x- :
anytime hun i like to make people laugh :P
from kissme-x-x- :
it will get better honest i mean i know mine hasnt yet but its a little better just not gone and thanks for that lol
from kissme-x-x- :
damn i just commented myself instead of you!! yeh anyway i know its hard but once you get over her you will be fine THAT i can promise oyu
from kissme-x-x- :
promise me something dont give up? cos im sure your luverly and deserve better.
from kissme-x-x- :
awww i wish i could say it got better but i think id be lying...
from kissme-x-x- :
ah well at least someone out there knows what its like
from kissme-x-x- :
hey dont know you but...whatever
from imatwin :
hahaha...yeah i would,wouldn't I? Oh well. ~Alex <3
from cherrygash :
Today I feel as if my eyes have been opened. I now see that my relationship was an illusion, fake, as if dreaming in Barbie land. I can't even fathom how many things he lied to me about. but I know now. He was Never a part of me, even though I opened up love to him, he was too sick to realize what was in front of him. I realize now, that everything that I thought had meant gold like memories and funny faces does not mean anything now. Now that I know, I see that plastic covers and realize that true passion never passed between us, we live in two different worlds....thank God I wasn't pulled into the other. Liars, don't underestimate their capability to manipulate you without a conscious, to twist your reality....no you're the person who has something wrong with you...not me. Now I KNOW
from miedema2002 :
I always look forward to reading your words because they I can relate and they touch me so deeply. You sound like such a wonderful person. It is her loss really. I'm sure that she will kick herself one day for leaving you because you sound like the kind of guy/girl(sorry don't know your gender lol!) who would be a keeper. You would treat the girl well and give her everything she needed. Her night in shining armour if you want to get all girly romantic. Anyway I will stop rambling now. One day you will find a girl who truly appreciates the love, passion and committment that you can give and that is the type of woman that you deserve in the end. You will find her one day. I know you will.
from cherrygash :
sorry im an advice giver and if you really don't give a damn it's ok if you ignore this. When I was in my relationship things were great, at first. but he started treating me horribly...and he'd always say he'd change. I know the root of this problem came from his parents, crazy lunatics who cut out his heart at age 2. But that was the thing, my whole being was shaken with grief when I figured that they had ruined him. and i saw him, i saw his heart, his soul...and i was in love with Him. . and knowing that he grew into a monster, i was shattered, this was him...i knew him, the real him. but i couldn't change it, the damage had already been years in the making and I'm still in agony for the loss of such a great person, i couldn't even begin to describe that type of pain. im hoping that maybe in some way, this might help...im sorry.
from cherrygash :
i was running through some other's diaries and saw yours. Kudos on the picture by the way, makes me laugh. anywho, i have to send some compassion your way, i've been in your boat, well some form. All I can say is at first it wa so hard I didn't know how I would make it..my whole being felt like it was being sucked away into a damp darkness. I don't know if you're religious so I don't want to offend you but, I have to say that if He (as in God) hadn't given me the strength, I wouldn't be here right now. Lord knows I'm not and never will be as strong enough to endure all heartaches as he does. For some insane reason...and it didn't happen overnight, but He got me up in the morning, He must have whispered things to my heart to salvage my sanity and He held me when my world was spinning around one final action...but I'm here, and there is no other way to explain why I am still here, I take no responsibility in being this brave. For once now, I don't look up at God and tell him how big my storm is, rather I look at the storm and tell it how big My God is.
from miedema2002 :
Wow, that sounds like what my insides say to me every day only change the hers to he. I am in the same boat as you right now, mourning a relationship that has ended and what's worse is that he is now dating the girl that he had dumped me for, so it hurts A LOT. If you ever want to vent and/or need someone to relate too I am here for you. Take care.
from thatgirlx :
No, you're not going to find someone and "settle." You're going to find someone amazing and you're going to fall in love all over again, and you're going to have a brand new set of inside jokes with a brand new girl. And although noone can ever truly replace Julia, you can still have new experiences and a bright future with someone else. I know it's hard to accept this now, especially in the early stages of a break-up, but allow yourself time to mend your wounds and get yourself out there! There are millions and millions of girls out there searching for guys like you... :) Don't give up on love. It's not a one time deal. You have a thousand more chances and you owe it to yourself to keep an open mind and not deny yourself the please of loving again. This is not the end. It's just a new beginning. You will get through this, and as always, you know I'm here whenever you need me. ♥ Take care of yourself.
from imatwin :
Awwwww... I wish there was something I could do to make it better. ((HUGS)) ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
Yeah, I was watching it with my mum. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lol. yeah i got mud n my pants, and the mud smells like it, so now my pants smell like it. yummy. not. lol ~Alex <3
from meganwaits :
cool to hear about the James Bond film. I've been wondering if it was worth seeing. Hang in there. I know all of this is with you know is going to make you stronger & wiser in the long run.
from imatwin :
definatly.
from imatwin :
No, because everyone in my family (except for me and my mum) think it's an insane idea to get counselling. Plus, I'm not to sure my family would react to that kind of thing. Plus I think it's more of a respect thing in our house. No one gets any. So it leads to things like that. And in my mind, it's better the remote then me. And it's not like their throwing it at me (except for that one time with my dad). Meh. I don't really know what to say. This is a really long note. :D ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
*reads you last two notes and first blushes madly, than laughs at the next one, and rushes to read your new entry.* Your poem thing was amazing. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
hahahahahahaha...I love the movie. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lol. At first I thought you were just being random, and then I realized I had mentioned I was going to the movies :D hehehe... yeah I don't know what I'm watching this weekend yet...hmmmm. And I have no clue what Julia (that's her name right?) means. Have fun seeing that movie! ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
Happiness....is like a butterfly. the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things,,,it comes and softly sits on your shoulder. same applies to love. you are deeply heart-broken at the moment that is why you cant see the goodness in other people....there are still honest people living on earth....just that maybe most of those you encounter are liars,cheaters etc etc..i dont know. Calm down. Rest your mind and heart even for a minute or two. ^_^
from aileenp :
if as you wrote, what is meant to be is what you choose to be....then one thing is still clear, you are still not meant to be, because SHE doesnt choose to be. even though you choose to be. (i dont want to sound cruel,just concerned - true friends dont always give praises and nice comments - they poke your head and scream loud so you'll wake up)
from imatwin :
I will pass eventually. Even though you don't seem to think it will, it will. And I'm sure it feels messages like these are unture, and dont' help at all. But I'm sure if I keep saying them, it will convince you other wise :) I wish there were more I could do. ~Alex <3 ((hugs))
from eliza1970 :
I totally understand and it's great that you have perspective. We should never have to justify ourselves or our feelings. you feel what you feel and that's exactly how it should be. Take really good care of yourself. Eat, sleep, enjoy, live. Or at least go through the motions. On some level, it will work. Kx
from eliza1970 :
I've been where you are and I only have my version of the experience to go on - but, for what it's worth to you, here are my words of "wisdom"...Stop thinking so much. stop trying to analyse this situation. Let it go and look after yourself. you can't really ever know everything that is going on in another person's mind so stop trying to figure her out - all it is doing is wearing you down. you are emotionally exhausted. Give yourself comfort and find yourself again. you can not rely on another person to complete you. we complete ourselves. Love is intoxicating. it is addictive. but it makes us lose ourselves if we are not careful. Go back to basics. Be you again. Take care of yourself. Love her by all means, but never ever lose sight of who you are and what makes you special. you were not put on this earth to live through her eyes. you are here in your own right. Celebrate yourself. Because you ARE worth it. Kx
from imatwin :
Yeah...it's very insane. I'm not being bothered with the Caberat thing any more. I mean I tried my best, and if the judges didn't see it, than that's their problem ;) Hope you are fine! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Because she is scared.
from aileenp :
Love can never be wrong. Sometimes you blame the situation or even the person. But no matter who you blame,,,if it really wasnt meant for you.....it just wouldnt be. :(
from aileenp :
thanks friend! yay! im 22 and getting older....i hate getting older. yuck! >^_^<
from imatwin :
lol. I just read your comment about my diary on your profile, and couldn't stop laughing. Aha... yeah I'll shut up now. Hope everything is ok with you!!! I really, really do. ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
I wish she'd hurry up and come home to you!
from imatwin :
Sadly, she's my sister, and we've put both our names down. But, yeah, I could ditch her. But even though all this shit is happening, I want to do it with her. And my mum has gotten in the middle of it and told my sister that she needs to practice, so instead of going to Ian's tonight, she's staying home to practice. Gotta love my mum :D ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
:( I wish she didn't do that, and I don't even know her. I hope she comes back to you like planned, and I hope you can make her feel better. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I'm sure you understand completely. And she's continued today. Just read my latest entry and it'll tell you all about it. Hope your ok, ~Alex <3
from rainbowqueen :
LOL, It would be interesting hearig his comments on it.
from idontpretend :
lol, yeah, but how would he find out? I think it'd be fun to turn it in, and let people wonder who it's about. ;D
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, it's about this guy in my poetry class. I probably won't turn this poem in for workshop though, that would be embarrassing if he found out.
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks,I'll see what happens.
from imatwin :
yeah. I know. it's just hard to believe sometimes.
from rainbowqueen :
Yeah, but it is more socially acceptable for a man to be with a younger woman. He probably thinks I'm an old hag.
from rainbowqueen :
Well, I'm 22 and he's 19. That doesn't sound like a big difference, but it is.
from imatwin :
Meh. that's like my favortie word to use. It drives my parents insane. So much fun. yeah...I have no idea why I'm telling you this. lol. ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
yay...yeah..it happened on my bday last year...so that was so heartbreaking. i couldnt describe it...thats why im not looking forward in celebrating my bday this november. cause it means one year had passed and nothing happened. :(
from rainbowqueen :
Thanks, its a bit creepy stalker in the cornerish, but whatever! =^.^=
from thatgirlx :
It was a long time ago. Just a memory... I'm sure you can guess with who. I don't know why I came out the wa it did, as if it just happened, but it did, and I didn't feel like fixing or explaining.
from rainbowqueen :
Hey, sorry I didn't respond. I've been having so many issues with myself, but I'm not hiding anymore, so my diary is open now for anyone, although it is really boring. - Cathy
from imatwin :
lmao...omg...I can't believe I'm that stupid. It's the blond roots, I swear. I meant to say Mental. But you probably already knew that. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lmao. sure, I'm what ever that is :D ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yeah, I have no clue what was going through my brain at the time. I was really tired, that's for sure :) ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
oh well, yeah thats something...lol. hope you're having a good evening. :P
from aileenp :
i heard from someone saying this: "Everybody else is going forward. Move on. Dont be like a frozen frog......" I believe that is what you or i or anyone who is in the same situation have to do. Although most of us would rather get stranded in that same place where we're left behind. Anyways....oh, i forgot to greet you happy bday. Happy Birthday!! (better late than never...>^_^<).....i wish all your wishes will come true.... my bday is nearing too, dearie-me, im getting 22, yuk. hehe. ;)
from imatwin :
I just do what I can, and try my hardest. I just don't like it when people go on about how they want to make something of themselves, but sit around not doing their work or going and getting drunk or high instead of actually trying. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
yeah, your so lucky you don't have to go to school anymore. I have to go back to work *scribble, scribble* ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
just dropping by to greet you good evening. yeah,long time no speak...been very busy...
from imatwin :
lol...yeah should have thought of that :P I know I shouldn't try and please some people, because it's no use really, but it's sort of in my nature. I have the weird need to be liked, and i always want people to be pleased. I'm just to sensetive I guess. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
opps. I left that last note using my other diary. But it's me who's saying it, just incase you were a little confused :) ~Alex
from dearheron :
It will only go on as long as you allow it. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Your entry raises a lot of thoughts in my mind. It's hard when your younger to keep your fears from controlling you because you don't know where your going in life, and where things could bring you. How much younger is she then you? It's good that your patient, and I'm sure it's fusterating for you to watch her 'mess up' her life because she's afraid. And I really have no idea where I'm going with this.....it's just you have to think that sometimes some people no matter how old they are have more to fear than others because of past experiences. I don't know. Take care. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
As weird as it sounds, I love shovelling snow. Not sure why. Maybe it's because it's like a mini work-out or that I can look back and see what I've acomplished. The only time I hate doing it is if it's still snowing out while your doing it, and by time your done the top of the drive way, there's like and inch at the other end, and you have to start over again. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
As much as I bitch about it sometimes, I think it would just be weird if it were the middle of november and there be no snow on the ground :P ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
It's not even that I'm pretending to be happy, I actually am, but I hate my life. I don't know why, but I do. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yeah. When you've had so much alone time it practically drives you insane. I've gone through that before. Last year I was so depressed and alone all the time...it was just bad for me. I do hope that it changes for you. That you will find your way out of this in one piece. If you know what I mean. ~Alex<3
from imatwin :
Wow...you sound angry. Well I can't blame you. I would be too. Maybe you should just forget her. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
It's sad that sometimes is what you have to do just to forget someone. To erase them from your life and your memory. I don't think I will ever forget him, but if he wasn't in my life as much as he is I'm sure it would be much easier. ~Alex <3
from avatar13 :
wow..i know what ur feeling.i trying to get over someone..and it's soo ahrd to move on.i used to be on d-land but now i'm on LJ (i.e LiveJournal) my name's indiangel
from imatwin :
I hope she makes the right choice. Which is you...by the way :)Take care hun. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I have asked, but she just says "nothing is wrong what's wrong with you?" But there is, she's been an impatient bitch for a long time, and even my mum has asked, and chris just says nothing. There's really nothing else I can do. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Oh yeah, I'm fine. It was only a little bee sting! lol. No the only thing that was bothering me was that Christina was pissed because I made her watch Natilie for a while because my foot was swelling. I really don't know what's wrong with her, just that everything I do pisses her off. Anyways I do hope that everything works out the way you want it. You deserve it. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I really respect what you think of love and marrige. It's a shame that she doesn't see that your a dependable guy. That even if you have fights, you still love her. I wonder who taught her this false type of love? Who told what love is? I really hope you feel good, espeically on a day like this. Well I guess for me anyways, since you live in the U.S. I hope your feeling better, and remember to smile. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lol. yeah that would be another problem too. I used to just use my old costumes and make a new one, but my mum through them all away. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
nah. It seemed bad because I made it that way. She and I had just been on each other's nerves this past week. And plus were teenaged girls. We like to be bitches to each other. lol. :D ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lol...no this is just the usual sibling bulshit that goes on between us. We were baking cookies like five minutes later laughing because they were so big that they morfed into one big cookie. Don't ask. lol. but thanks for the note anyways. ;P ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Thanks, that actually makes me feel alot better. I was starting to feel a little guilty for saying all those things to my dad, and havinga big fight with him. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Yeah I know. I mean what can you do with a bull-headed teenager? lol... I just hope that not to many people get hurt, that's all. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
yeah I know...but the thing is Christina says that normally she won't shut up a t cadets, and is really out-going. But something just makes me think that it was more the fact that she didn't really want to be there. You could see it on her face, you know what I mean? ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Thanks, I think I'm starting to get better already. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I seriously don't know what my life would be like without her. She always seems to make everything fun. ~Alex <3 OH and I understand what you mean by how the fact that she called you and all that jazz was great. :D
from imatwin :
HAPPY BIRHTDAY!!!!! I would have said that earlier, but I was out. Anyways, that doesn't sound like a very nice b-day gift...but what ever. Hope the rest of the night is good!!!!! ~Alex <3
from thatgirlx :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
from imatwin :
And you have me! I remember feeling like that last year. So cunfused where I was going in life. I guess it's worse since your older then me, but it's the same. When I thought I was going to a music school with the rest of my friends, and I would graduate from highschool and get into a good college that would teach me the skills to become a good preformer, I was happy. I felt I didn't have to worry about a thing. And then I didn't get into that school. And I went to some other school that I didn't even want to be in. I had no friends. No life. But eventually I found my way. And eventually you will to. take care hun, ~Alex <33
from imatwin :
rotfl...while lmao ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
He's always been that way. My mum and father were brought up differently, and a lot of the things I do reflect on how my mum was brought up, and it just makes my dad angry. Really he just forgets what it was like to be a kid, and have his parents tell him everything he's done is wrong. Last night when he did that, I just said "If you were watching something tell me now, and I'll go back." but he just shuts down, and mumbles about it for the rest of the night. I've learned to just not let it bother me so much, because it's not my fault that he is the way he is. Though I do tend to be pissed about it for thirty minutes :P ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
Awwww...If I could I would right now. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I forget about you? :s I'm a little confused. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
This chick is one confusing person. ~Alex <3
from thatgirlx :
No apology needed. I love notes. One of the reasons I write here is that I want to be able to reach people, to connect to people. Just knowing that someone can relate to something I've written... it's like the ultimate reward. And I know I shouldn't care whether what I write is stupid or insignicant, but I can't help it. I'm a bit obsessive-colmpulisive. When I write, everything makes sense, but when I go back and read it, it just seems so... blah. And I just want to erase it and forget it and pretend like it's nothing, because in my head I know it SHOULD be nothing. but it's never really that easy, is it? *sigh*
from thatgirlx :
The guy I can't seem to get over? That would be my ex. He's been out of my life now for over a year. We were together a little over two years, but we'd been friends for at least three. I thought things were going well. Then, one day, a few days before he left, he broke the news to me. He was moving (we lived together) back to his hometown, to live with his mom, go to college. He said he didn't want to break up, that we'd stay together, he'd visit me on the weekend. He promised. Then everything sort of fell apart. He starked acting weird, lieing, breaking promises, avoiding me. After a week of not hearing from him, I got a letter in the mail. It was over. Just like that. I still haven't healed. Every day it gets better, but it's still hard, still feels like a part of me is missing. Anyway, if you want, you can browse through my old diary (jadedxx) I wrote about him a lot in there. Hope you're okay. And hey! At least you're turning heads. ;) That's awlways nice. Take care of yourself, okay?
from imatwin :
Thanks :) But I'll live. I've delt with worse before, and my mum has the weekend off, so it won't be too bad. ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
Good Luck!!! and goodnight ^_^
from aileenp :
if she makes you an angry man,then try forget her, and move on with life. i think this is the start of your "healing heart". and HOPEFULLY you'll feel love and happiness again with the right person.
from aileenp :
just checking you out. stay as the nice and kind-hearted person as you are,even if you feel betrayed or used or cheated,,,getting angry doesnt make any good. God Bless. ;-)
from meganwaits :
Thanks so much for the notes. You're probably right about my Mom. I just read your entry. I think you've learned a valuable lesson from this journey this person has dragged you through. I can sense your wounds. And I know you're wise, but it hurts none the less. Hang in there.
from imatwin :
It's the same for me. I forgive really easy, but a lot of the time I don't get it in return. And when people do 'forgive' me, they always seem to bring it back up and rub it in my face. I mean what happened'to forgive and forget'? I know exactly what you mean.
from thatgirlx :
Wow. That was a powerful entry. It sounds like maybe you're entering the second stage of loss. First, it's sadness and disbelief, and then when it starts to set it, that's when the anger is unleashed. At least, that's how it was for me. But this is good, because it means you're on your way to healing.
from thatgirlx :
Me too, me too. Sometimes, when I think of my ex and our relationship, I find myself dwelling on the tiniest details, trying to seperate fact from fiction. Sometimes I worry our relationship was just that, a lie. That maybe he never even loved me at all. :(
from imatwin :
When the bad side won. the human race did it to themselves, if you ask me. All I do is try my best and be as kind natured as possible. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
we all do it to ourselves. It's human nature. But eventually it will stop. Eventually you'll let her go. Hope you have fun tonight! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
lol, I think she has a bad influence on me. You should try and just focus on your date, and have fun. Hope it goes well! ~Alex <3
from crzybtiful :
You have to try and have a good time and not think about her. Do you really want to be stuck in this black hole the rest of your life? Some things are just not meant to be. Fate is trying to tell you something...listen.
from wiltedxdaisy :
I feel the same way about him. I want to hate him, I know I SHOULD hate him, but I can't. It would make things so much easier, but I just can't. Yes, he did horrible things, but he also made me happy. In the beginning. :( Love sucks. Anyway, maybe you'll have a nice time on your date. I hope you do.
from wiltedxdaisy :
I love that song. It fits so well with everything I'm going through at the moment... as for you, please don't let her string you along. It's okay to have that hope, but only to a certain extent. Be cautious and follow your heart, but don't forget to listen to your head every now and then, too.
from imatwin :
I know it's hard to move on. I still haven't completely moved on myself, and it's almost been three years. Ok, that may not help. Sorry. But I do hope you feel better. ~Alex <3
from wiltedxdaisy :
yes, it is from a song. for some reason, that line seems to resonate with me. i'm sorry to hear she had to go through something so horrible, and also i'm sorry she is taking it out on you, punishing you for someone elses mistake. it's not fair to you and it's not fair to her. hopefully with time she will realize you are not like those other guys and that your intentions are pure. keep your head up, okay?
from imatwin :
I can only hope! And I'm glad to hear that your trying to move on. Hope your evening's good! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I don't really like to look at my past, but sometimes when I'm bored I go through my old hand-written diary's. And well last night I was, and was kind of sadened by it. I was so caught up in it. I mean I did some things that I can't even believe I did today. Thanks for the note! ~Alex <3
from meganwaits :
Very cool layout. And you have some really honest entries too. Wishing you a certain peace, too.
from imatwin :
Thanks, I actually walk everywhere. To school, and home. To friends houses and to downtown. My dads the only who drives in my house, and he's always at work, and when he's home he doesn't like to drive anyone. I'm actually really heathly, I can run/walk further then some of my thinner friends. I just have some extra 'baggage' that doesn't seem to want to go away no matter how much I try. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I hope you rrealize you cause my whole family to stare when I read your last note. The laughter would not stop. lol :P ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
:I ...sigh....
from aileenp :
�There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.� - one thing thats making me come back and read your entries is that i relate so much with your situation. i emphatize coz i've been (a year ago) and still am suffering the heart ache that it caused me. but then again, as i move on with life,,i realize that there is so much time wasted in crying and sulking in the corner of my room, and waiting that maybe something good would happen. only to realize that im waiting for nothing. its really difficult to go on,,,but yeah we have to. you have to. you have to be happy, or at least pretend to. everything wil come right in place...God Bless.. ;)
from imatwin :
Hopefully she'll see all that you are doing for her. All your willing to sacrfice for her happiness. And hopefully everything will work out. ~Alex <3
from wiltedxdaisy :
i can't even imagine how hard it must have been for you to make that decision. i hope everything works out for the best. as for me... i honetly don't know what to do. no matter what, i feel like i'm making the wrong decision. and it's killing me.
from imatwin :
that's exactly it! lol ~Alex
from imatwin :
I wrote 'You' a little before I turned 13, but yeah...not much differnce. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
thanks ~Alex <3
from alostfriend :
referring to my family
from imatwin :
It was hard, because he was my first love. And I loved him before all that. But when he changed it took me forever to get used to it, and made it harder for me to move on thinking I could save him. But now I know I can't. That there's nothing I can do, and I tried, so at least I know I tried, right. Thanks for saying that, it really helps. Take care! ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I was actually thinking about your situation when I heard it. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
I think if you hold on long enough, she'll eventually come back to. You deserve it. Still hoping everything goes fine!! :D ~Alex <3
from alostfriend :
I'm not doing bad .. thanks for your note .. I sure hope she finds her way back to you .. you deserve to be happy ..
from imatwin :
maybe that's a good thing. To know that you've tried your hardest, and now you just have to let her decide. Hope it works out! ~Alex <3
from wiltedxdaisy :
Aw. :) That's a cute picture. I'm sorry to hear that she is going through such a rough time right now. But like someone else already said, just let her know that you are there for her. Even if she doesn't admit it, it will mean so much to her. Try not to push too hard, give her a little space. I think maybe she just needs a little time to figure out exactly what it is she wants.
from imatwin :
I ask that every day. lol. My grandfather was in the navy, so he wanted to, plus he was in Sea Cadets. But with all things that have happened to him, and the fact that he has somewhat of a criminal record he couldn't. But he's pretty cool anyways. ~Alex <3
from imatwin :
She's really pretty...
from crzybtiful :
She is very pretty..It is soo hard to let go of the past sometimes..We forget that it is just a part of us not our entire exsistance. Just be there for her and remind her that there IS a future.
from alostfriend :
That's a wonderful photo
from idontpretend :
FYI, you can also leave comments in my diary. I paid for the supergold thingy. So you can also comment on each diary entry, if you so choose. :D
from umademehappy :
I bet she already read the emails ... I'm glad to hear things are going in a better direction for you .. and how cool was it to hear the 'i love you ' congrats my friend .. you deserve to be happy .. oh, thanks for your note .. surgery was yesterday .. I'm doing okay .. won't know completely how I fared for a couple of weeks but the hardest part I think is over .. I'm pretty sore .. pooped out .. feel beat up .. and all that stuff .. but I'm alive I suppose .. I'll keep you posted .. thanks for being a friend ..
from wiltedxdaisy :
Thank you. :) That meant a lot to me. It's a little more complicated than that, but I promise I'm working on it. Reassurances are always much needed, especially in times like these. I won't forget it. Thank you.
from umademehappy :
any ideas or suggestions then?
from umademehappy :
it gives you hope if anything .. and right now .. the anything sounds pretty good .. keep me posted .. and take it slowly .. she's worth it right ..
from umademehappy :
I'm glad you got to talk to her .. that had to be so great .. I'm happy for you .. its a start .. I've got my fingers crossed for you ..
from imatwin :
I hope she gets back to you, you sound like such a nice guy. take care! ~Alex <3
from umademehappy :
I hope you hear back from her.
from wiltedxdaisy :
I think sometimes they try to make themselves out to be the bad guy, in an attempt to soften the blow. But it reality it only makes things worse. If things don't work out between you, do not be discouraged. It simply was not meant to be. (I know you won't believe me, but so many people told me the same thing, and I am finally coming to terms with it.) It's hard to believe now, but there are so many others out there, so many others who can make you as happy, even happier than you were when you were with her.
from imatwin :
Thanks so much! I had a great birthday. Remember to be strong :) ~Alex <3
from umademehappy :
I'm sorry you're in such pain .. it sounds like you are stronger than I'd be able to be right now .. packing her stuff up has to be terrible .. I think its brave though ..
from umademehappy :
.. the only thing I can do when I'm as anxious and upset as you are is just staying busy .. anything .. sometimes watching movies works for me .. going for a run .. something .. feel free to email me anytime if you need a friend .. [email protected]
from wiltedxdaisy :
his birthday was SO difficult for me. ours were one day apart, so it ruined my day as well. we used to celebrate together. it just didn't feel right without him. holidays are always the hardest. :( stay strong, okay? i hope everything works out for the best.
from imissfriends :
Actually starts here .. sorry .. http://ablinmyheart.diaryland.com/1062004.html
from imissfriends :
This is was my old diary back in the day .. I haven't shown to many people .. I hope it doesn't make you feel worse .. http://ablinmyheart.diaryland.com/11032004a.html
from imissfriends :
To be honest with you .. the tanning .. it was something we used to go and do together .. we'd meet up .. and then after we'd get a bite to eat .. maybe shop .. chat it up .. alot of what made me happy .. reminded me of her as well .. still does ..
from xnavygrrl :
It was 6 years coming..this relationship. I spent 6 years ALONE because I was afraid to hurt anymore. The first 4 years was getting over what happened in my marriage....the last two..in darkness. I only took my life back from the darkness last October. Unfortunately..it took going to therapy to put all the pieces back together again. I mean...how do you put back the pieces when you weren't even sure how it went together in the first place? I told David.."you have no idea how far I traveled just to get to you", and really..he doesn't. But I know. I'm so glad I found your diary. Because I'm glad to meet you. :) One is never too rich as to turn away friends...
from xnavygrrl :
I'm so sorry for your pain...:(
from rainbowqueen :
Hey, I write a lot of things people who know me don't need to know. But thanks for the kind words.
from wiltedxdaisy :
thank you for your words of wisdom. i know he's not worth it, but for some reason i still have a place in my heart for him & i hate that. as for you, i think if she's willing to cause you such pain and heartbreak, she's really not worth it. one day you'll see this & until then, keep your head up. after a while, she will be nothing more than a dull ache in your heart and this crazy heartbreak you're going through will fade & you'll be able to really feel again. i know it doesn't seem like it now, because i was there once, but it DOES get better. i promise.
from imatwin :
Your only human, and if you want it bad enough then I'm sure it will happen. And by the sounds of it she still likes you. ~Alex
from imatwin :
I just read your Bizzaro entry, and what you said in the first paragraph basically decsribed my parents relationship. They love each other, but my dad is such a needy person that he doesn't ever do anything nice for my mother; it's almost like he's a spoiled child who doesn't get what he wants. But the reason they stick together is because they love each other. They look past all the bad stuff, and remember they love each other and had three childern together who are well liked. That they are good people no matter their faults. I feel like I'm rambling...I just wanted to say it. But I do understand what you mean by people who make those they love hurt purposefully. It just doesn't make any sense. take care ~Alex <3
from aileenp :
just think that there are still other people who care for you....but then again, its not too bad to wait (if you are patient enough though) - like in my case, its been almost a year that im waiting for my Ex to come back to me, and still waiting - i know its not a good advise.
from imatwin :
I don't want to sound mean, but sometimes giving people second chances because you love isn't always a good thing. Sometimes you end up comeing out worse off then you were before. Just something to think about. ~Alex <3
from imissfriends :
.. I think your latest entry was great .. I think you are lucky to have loved like that .. I hope you are able to find that again .. hopefully .. maybe .. with her ..
from imatwin :
OH I'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you cry again! I was just feeling really down because I saw this guy that I had this thing with, and then I read your entry, and was reminded of everything. I hope your feeling better now! ~Alex
from wiltedxdaisy :
oh, wow. i wish i had all the answers for you, but i don't. i can only tell you that i've been there, done that. & with time it does get easier, but don't let anyone try and tell you it goes away- because it doesn't. anyway.. i like your diary, your honesty. i'll be reading.
from imatwin :
I hope you feel better. Life will go on, no matter how hard it seems to be right now. ~Alex <3
from imissfriends :
sorry to hear about your lost love .. I lost a good friend of mine .. my best friend .. she could no longer be friends with me because her boyfriend was jeolous of our relationship .. its been almost 2 years and I still miss her ..
from aileenp :
you can only do two things: either you wont quit and would try to win her back, or just try to accept that you are not really meant for each other. either way, i hope you could find peace and happiness. have a blessed day.
from aileenp :
the only way to move on with life despite all the pain, is acceptance. to accept that heart break is part of that thing we call 'love'. i've gone through that as well, yeah, it sure hurts.
from rainbowqueen :
I know how you feel. Except in my case he is never coming back...
from simplyjulia :
I'm so happy for you, that you're getting out. This is going to be so good for you - working for your Dad, and especially going back to school. I love you.
from simplyjulia :
I liked being in Florida with you too - I liked seeing your family and just relaxing and doing fun things with you. I love you. I really hope that they do let you out, 'cause there's such a good opportunity for you from your dad - you would improve 1000%, I know it. You would be so happy if you weren't in. I hope you write more, I like reading what you have to say, even if it seems like you only ever write when you're upset.
from simplyjulia :
I read this, and I want to read what you have to say. And no, you don't update very often - I guess that I don't really either - I ought to. You should update more often - it's nice to see your thoughts in this medium.
from simplyjulia :
I'm glad that you think that things are going well between us, because they ARE! I'm happy to see you make an entry too. Hopefully this Chief is a good one, and also that if (?) you have to crossrate, that you'll get something that you'll like, and that won't keep us apart. I want to talk about it more - you/we just kinda skimmed over it last night. Let's talk about it, ok? And are you reading these, since I'm leaving notes?
from simplyjulia :
The timing COULD'VE been better - I'm sorry, baby. I did enjoy spending time with you though - it makes me happy. Thank you for taking care of me. I love you.
from simplyjulia :
Baby, I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible. I wish that I could make it better, but I can't. I can't wait for you to be back, and I can't wait for you to be able to hold me again. I love you.
from questquecest :
Sigh - I know that you say that things will get better. I'm trying to work on my patience - just certain things don't exactly build my confidence, that's all. I wish you could come home too - they Navy wants your blood and your life - I thought you knew this?
from questquecest :
If you check this while you're underway, I'm thinking about you, and I love you. If you see this while you're home, I still love you ;D
from questquecest :
I'm thinking about you.
from questquecest :
I miss you too, baby. I'm thinking about you. Can't wait until they let you off that ship so you can come home to me ;D
from questquecest :
Do you never update? :x

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