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messages to smokefree-me:
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from sunpowered :
Hello to you, too.
from russface :
You may wish to watch the videos that I embed in my blog.
from gr8chick :
brian...can you e-mail me at sag63@hotmail.com? I finally attended an Al-Anon meeting, and I wanted to ask you something about that.
from annanotbob :
Hello. I've been dipping in and out of your dairy for a while (via Alison initially, I think) and I've just realised that I need to add you. Hope that's OK. Wishing you well in all your endeavours and a rousing cheer for getting free of the evil weed.
from wifemotherme :
Just in case you track your stats I wanted to let you know that the stalker activity you see is me. Just found you. Gonna catch up.
from miedema2002 :
It sounds like Cindy is really trying to not drink as much. At least not be falling down drunk. Now I can only go by what you write but I think Cindy will figure out for herself if she is capable of social drinking or not. She'll realize if she can or not one day I guess. I applaud her for trying (from the sounds of it) and you for staying and trying to make it work. That is total committment and undying love right there! :)
from azzweepay :
Any female that leaves a crack in the door or window open, or unlocked or... Just an all around creep.
from azzweepay :
I'm not locking up. It's just a general question. I thought of it when I logged on this morning. I saw one person online who I knew to have a locked diary and another who I suspect is a sexual predator and then that question came to mind.
from dandydandy :
No, you're right it isn't living. I guess I just need a break. :) And Hoegaarden is Belgian beer. Tis yummy!
from gr8chick :
Oh, you ARE one of two of my online boysfriends! ;)
from becca27 :
I think a good waitress can really make a date! A bad one can break it too! B and I have aruged over good/bad ones before....
from gr8chick :
OMG...I did it! I called a support person from Al-Anon, and left my return number. I asked her to call me during work hours, though, because I don't know if Hombre will get pissed if he finds out. After my last entry, and the response from that J person (he/she really made me feel like I was out of control), I came to the conclusion that I have to DO something. Someone once told me that Al-Anon helps you go on with your life even if the other person is still drinking. I'm sorry, but I cannot wrap my head around that concept. I feel like I'm doing that now, and I always feel like I'm abadoning Hombre when I get on with my life, and do things with my kids...and on rare occasions, with my friends. Then I always feel bad for doing things without him. I don't know where this will lead, but now I'm freaking out! The lady sounded very nice on her answering machine. I'm sure she is...very nice, that is. But I'm scared now. It's one thing to write about stuff online, with no one looking you in the face, or no voice that sounds like it's judging you. OMG...I'm really scared!
from miedema2002 :
Thank you for the incouragers. Unfortunately I fail at goals more then I succeed ha! But I try. :) I wish you luck with Cindy.
from becca27 :
I had five months but then convined B and myself that I was "fine" again. HA! Big mistake that was! Have a good weekend!
from becca27 :
Yes, I would def be nice about it. Alot of people who are alcoholic have a certain mind set, like for instance if you tell them not to do something, they are going to do it anyway. I know it is hard for you, it is hard for my husband too. He always says there is going to be a breaking point. He wants me to just be "normal" and to be able to have a few every now and then, but I just can't seem to have a few. One turns in to ten. And really, it's not even fun anymore and I'm driving him nuts and myself. Try not to be too hard on her. I'm sure she feels bad about it. I know she does thats why she hides it. I feel like if I stop drinking there will be no more fun to life, like thats it. I'm only 26 and the thought of never drinking again makes me feel like I'm losing something really important. I have no idea why the heck I"m telling you any of this, I guess it's easier to "talk" to people on here then it is in real life! Good luck!
from becca27 :
I've been reading you for a while.....Cindy probably does not *want* to drink the way she does, she is just uncapable of handling life without it. I think telling her that you know she is drinking is a good thing, try not to yell at her though. When my husband confronts me and he yells it makes me want to just go and drink more.... Then sometimes he doesn't confront me at all and I think, well, I guess if he thinks I am he just does not care or can't tell. (yeah because most cops have no idea when ppl have been drinking) Good luck, alcoholism really sucks.
from naturalylazy :
Update???!?! You mean someone out there noticed I've been gone?
from azzweepay :
I've actually used new-skin before. My fingertips get kind of chewed up during the winter so it helps to protect them a litle bit. I think you need to put more on to wipe off the old. Dipping my nipples in it twice a day could be a little much. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm really just afraid I'll like it. :^0
from miedema2002 :
I don't know if it's a guy thing really. I need more stimuli to react as well. Maybe I'm wierd though. Who knows? lol!
from miedema2002 :
Thanks for the response. I have read quite a few of your entries and have the basic jist of your story I think. I don't mind you reading my stuff. Feel free. I am glad that you and Cindy are deciding to try and reconcile things. Fighting for a marriage that has endured so much damage takes guts! It sounds hard, but if it works out in the end maybe you two will be happier for it. Life's no fairy tail but at least you can say you gave it your all and didn't throw in the towel too easily, but what do I know? I'm just a kid! Who knows what my experiences will be?? If my entries are ever too much to follow all the little details I always write an annual review every December before the new year, so that might help get you up to speed on 2006 without having to back track as much. Well I better go do some homework. Take care!
from smokefree-me :
Hi there. Geeze, thought I'd already responded to your note from before. Guess not! Anyhow, CL starts to show up around the end of July, but I never mentioned her much because I kinda knew what folks opinion might be. It's only lately that I've divulged more cuz, well, it's hitting the fan pretty good right about now. It's hard to just get up & go. We have 26+ years invested in our marriage and another 3 or 4 years of knowing each other before that (school years even), but I feel like I'm trading being happy for myself for making (almost) everyone else happy. My therapist especially says that's a bad idea. But hey - I have to start catching up on your story, so if you use a tracker, be prepared to see me poking around. All I can say for now is throw yourself completely into your school work - give it everything you have, it'll pay off nicely in the future.
from gr8chick :
You know why I like your diary? Well, first because of the thing we have in common with our partners. Second, though, because you give me a male's point of view on relationships, like Whystinger's diary. At times I imagine the things you are feeling for your wife and CL, are the same things Mr. Man felt for me and his wife. Because after a while, I start to feel cheap when I think about Mr. Man. Hey, maybe I am, because I allowed it to start and carried on for years with it...I don't know. But I guess I get a little comfort knowing that CL seems to be more than just a romp in the hay for you...gives me hope that maybe I was more than that to Mister. I hope you find happiness, with or without Cindy...**hugs**
from miedema2002 :
Hi, I'm a new reader. I like your diary although I don't understand what you are going through in terms of quitting smoking and an alcoholic partner or infidelity etc. I know the basics like what the medical books say, but that is nothing compared to those experiences first hand. All I know is that you seem so unhappy with Cindy. Why not take the chance and be in a happy relationship with CL or whoever else you are thinking of. By the way where is the entry when you first start seriously seeing CL? How did you guys meet? What ignited the passion? etc. I'm just curious about what it's like from the infidels point of view. Congrats on 3 years smoke free so far! I wish you a life time of non-smoking. Such a dirty habit.
from gr8chick :
Ha...she was the one I was pregnant with! Now, just to make her feel bad, her little sister will randomly ask her, "Remember when you called Mom a skank the other day?" That just gets her going all over again with the "I didn't mean it," and "I'm so sorry..." It is too fucking funny!
from gr8chick :
I have a question for you...Do you feel guilty when you want to enjoy a beer knowing that you're asking your significant other to quit? I have a helluva time with that one. I enjoy a few Bud Lights here and there, but then I feel like a hypocrite when I embibe. He takes it as my condoning drinking period. How do you handle that? Oh, well...peace out! :)
from azzweepay :
Thank you! It's not the wings, it's what you dip them in.
from gr8chick :
I have read a few of your past entries. I see that we some things in common, eh? One of your entries really caught my attention when you wrote about "crossing the line." I have done that in the past, and although I don't regret that period of my life, I can't do it again. It was a special, once in a lifetime experience that lasted for several years. That's just me. ;)
from gr8chick :
Hey, smokefree, I read your note. I have thought about Al-anon classes. Went so far as to find the meeting place, but then I get scared, and don't go. I know I'm not helping the situation at all by doing this. But it's obvious that I have to do something, right? Whystinger has been on my ass to go...he's a great buddy. But anyways, thanks for the note. I may be stopping in to read every once in a while, if that's ok. :)
from azzweepay :
Yeah, you follow my training tips and I'll have you running 30 minute 5K's before you know it.
from azzweepay :
What perfect timing! I got home from work this morning in the mood for a rib-eye. I chased that rib-eye with a couple dozen chicken wings. You'll love this next part. I usually dip my wings in ranch dressing. Today it occurred to me that maybe jalapeno nacho cheese dip might be good. Dude, it was so f*ing good that I can't believe that wing eateries don't offer it. I can almost feel my arteries clogging now. Have a good weekend!
from whystinger :
Found you through Kungfukitten... I am a former New Yorker... Book marked you and hope to find the time to return and read... oh yeah, and we are the same age, male...
from azzweepay :
If only I could stop at a dozen.
from azzweepay :
Thanks! I'd like to do another one but the knee thing is turning into a real deal. I don't know if it's just an overuse injury (tendonitis?) or something more serious. For the time being I'm icing it after runs but still even after a couple days rest, it never feels quite right. Hopefully it'll go away soon.
from sunpowered :
Haha, yes, I guess I survived Hell Week. Apparently everyone gets assigned a few of those. Just to keep us all scrambling. Thanks for noting; very nice of you to do so. I'm really looking forward to getting internet hooked up at the new place. Then I can update regularly. I hope you have a great weekend, and take care! :-)
from azzweepay :
She's got a load on YouTube. Here's one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhVrTMJQdes
from azzweepay :
Yeah, I was just having a down day. I'm also weening myself from caffeine this week so between the soreness and the chemical depression I was just a bit bent. However, was back in there at 5:15 this morning and did weights and cardio. I feel fine now which makes me question whether I pushed myself enough. I know you can't go balls out everyday but a couple days a week I need to start leaving it all in the gym or I'll be a little pissed at myself. Oh, and A.Krauss is bluegrass. She fronts the band Union Station which did the music for the movie "O Brother Where art Thou". I like their music but there's no accounting for taste. Instrumentally, they're tremendous! You might find a few clips of them on YouTube.
from sharp-site :
this is a test /n /n /n sorry to use your note box like this
from azzweepay :
Thanks for the heads up about the comments! I'm not sure how long it will take them to alter that. I had to upgrade my membership to use that feature. I guess that's how they hook you. They let you go to the trouble of actually putting together a couple entries and then you find out you need just a little more money to get comments on them. Oh well! If this project is still going in one year I'll assess D-Land then. Until then, my name is Joe. Welcome aboard!
from sunpowered :
Thank you very much! I appreciate it! I hope you're having a lovely evening, and that spring is on its way soon!
from sunpowered :
Thank you. :-) As for the virtual diary-burning, I have to do a forest fire now and then. Keeps me sane. Swimmmer72 just adds and adds, year after year. He can let go of his writings and go on the next day. I can't. I have to dump it all in order to clear my head, so I can move on. Off to get some sleep. Getting up earlier is exhausting at first! Hopefully I'll get used to it quickly. [YAWWWN!] I wish you a Good Night. :-)
from aliannmil :
Somebody is getting better :-). I see so much improvement in you. Keep on working the program cause it looks to me like it's working.
from sunpowered :
Good for you! See what you see. :-)
from sunpowered :
Hey, I actually got my lazy ass off the couch and checked out a mtg! Unfortunately this particular one is only 3 ppl, and the ice kept them away so it was just faclttr & me. And the faclttr isn't abstinent... :-/ And I'm more the "militant" type... so I'm really looking frwd to testdriving tonight's and tomorrow's mtgs. Feeling hopeful! This is gonna be my year! I'm lucky I'm in a big city - mtgs daily if time and driving distance aren't a problem. Being unemp'd right now, I've challenged myself to go to every mtg I can. And I'll just see if they're right for me. I do suspect there'll be more of the "a little's ok" camp. And I'm just put off by that attitude. To me, abstinence means abstinence. Not this "limiting recreational" use of substance stuff this lady was talking about today. But I believe in providence - she thought about cancelling the mtg, then went anyway. And I showed up. Think it was meant-to-be. What does AA give you? I might go to one since my birth father's A, and his crap is the primary source of MY crap. ;-) What have been your epiphanies along the way?
from sunpowered :
Funny you asked that - I've been wanting to find one that fits. Been to 4 (NA, CoDA, FAA, & OA.) NA I wasn't ready to leave the potsmoker boyfriend yet. FAA made me feel hopeless, that I was damaged goods. And CoDA and OA just seemed like an impotent venting forum. No proactive steps were ever stressed or encouraged. It was just a 'here's what's happening to me this week' kind of thing that I didn't like. That's my program past. My program FUTURE though could be an exciting and uplifting source of support and strength if I find the right branch. Right now, I'm just not sure which one I belong at! I'd say FAA, but my town doesn't have mtgs. And this is a major city! Talk about a metric crapload of people in denial! I was just SO turned off by OA's "plan-lessness". But, that was a year ago. A different facilitator could be rockin' the house now. Hm. You've inspired me to look into any mtgs that might be crankin' out in my area. It's only right I give OA another chance. And there's mtgs on Saturday - I could go then. *Thanks for thinking of me. You have a big heart. I wish big poofy gobs of happy energy at you. ;-) * Haha!
from sunpowered :
:-D Heeeheee! I like it myself. Thanks. :-) Hooray for Son coming home tonight! Hoooray!!! Hooray!!! Nothing as relieving as a loved one getting back home safely. Angels all around him and their flight back. Glad he'll be home soon. :-) (-:
from sunpowered :
Yes, I am pretty disappointed about losing the LI gig, but I have to remember that this means something better is lined up. Great idea to take a walk instead of giving in to junkfood. You know how the human mind works: it's all about what's convenient, available, NOW, whatever can most quickly provide that instant gratification we so desperately want. And yes, winters in TX are funny because we'll get those freakishly mild days that interrupt the nasty cold of winter. Those happen quite routinely, leading many to think we get no cold at all here if their itinerary lands them here on such a cluster of days. But, I do LOVE not having to dig my car out before I go to work. That must be aggravating - as if work mornings aren't dreary enough for most, but they have to dig their cars out first? Wow. I have a lot of respect for anyone who has a morning that tough. Glad your son's a picture taker. You get somebody who takes great pix and you really get a feel for the place, and almost get the best of what it offers without any of the possible bad stuff. Thanks for the chins up. Hope your weekend is fabulous! :-D
from sunpowered :
You may want to prepare yourself for the possibility of a grand total of, like, 8 pix! Haha! Of like some palatial building facade that he has no idea what the name of it is. ;-) Hopefully you don't get a shrug and a "I think it's like a palace, or a house of parliament. Or something. I don't know - It's old." Have a great weekend!
from sunpowered :
I used to have a friend from The Ukraine. When she showed me her photos from a trip back home, I was astounded at how much the countryside looked like the rolling semi-wooded farmland of Central Texas. Being stranded on a concrete island of city, the images of treelines and hayfields and sunset on ponds nearly made my eyes tear up. I'm excited for the photos you'll see. Interior shots of homes will be super interesting too, as everything is familiar (stoves, refrigerators, etc.) but simultaneously unfamiliar (art that looks outdated, wine bottles in woven wicker flasks, vases of flowers, deer figurines, dolls, unusual rugs and unidentifiable houseplants). If he's much of a picture-taker - and I do hope he is - you're in for a treat. Your thoughts on your experiences with detaching were terribly interesting and it made me see you as less of an enabler, and more of a guy trying to figure out what the best thing to do is. Like any human stuck in terra incognita. We're just not born knowing how to deal with EVERYTHING. For some reason, tonight's entry actually made me see that for the very first time. I confess, until recently, I'd wondered to myself why you've stayed. Now, I know you're where you're at, and it's honestly no one's business but yours. All we can do is love eachother on through whatever we're rolling with. And try damn hard not to allow judgement to muck things up too bad. You're such a neat person. I'm glad that your life is so rich, and that you expand in all different directions. Like a compass rose.
from sunpowered :
Yes, I've done the debt thing enough. A couple of credit card amounts that got out of hand a couple of times, then the new car fever, which is currently $160 from being PAID OFF! Wheeeeee! As soon as that final payment clears the bank, my paychecks are MINE again! Hooray! I am officially drop out of THAT little rat race once and for all! Are you out for good too? If so, how long? And what decided it for you? If not, are you, say, half-way there, a quarter of the way there? I don't mean mortgage, of course. Just consumer debt. Have a fabulous Friday night! I bet it's cold there... Brrr!
from sunpowered :
Oh, and "secret decoder ring" - Hahahahahaha!
from sunpowered :
Hidey-ho, neighbor! I love New Years Resolutions. Clean slates are so exciting. I was thinking about ya; it's good you noted. Instead of waiting around for Rick to finally email me back (regarding whether or not he now knows about the engagement), I just decided to edit that paragraph out of the entry and post it so that you and Enfinblue and Spring Daisy could read me again. I'm mystified as to whether his silence is due to Hotmail being offline this morning, or if he's hurt by my marrying someone else. I hate being in the dark like this! Honestly though, he's old enough to be realistic about 1300 miles between us and me already living with a man with a heart of gold. So I just can't imagine that he's not responding to my emails because he's in pain over this. ... But stranger things have happened so I'll wait to post it until I've heard from him on this matter. And once again, I leave a novella on your notes page. Hm, how's about next time I promise to talk All About the Fabulous YOU for a welcome change! ;-) **Much good energy to you!** - Melissa
from sunpowered :
Yes, I'm in with the permanent tech position now. I start early January. But I've already been given the secret: that the owner is tightening everyone's nooses, budget cuts, time allowance cuts, etc. I've been warned I'm walking onto unsteady ground. We'll see! Hope you're doing great, in all areas of your life. I send my best wishes to you. :-)
from sunpowered :
I failed the cool person test. I tried it like a good 10, 15 times and everything.
from sunpowered :
Note to self: Could anyone be more fun? I think not! {cue opera voice] *Brian ra-HOCKS!*
from sunpowered :
employability. :-B heeeeee! You know what? You are so much fun! You're in danger of having your very own stalker, you know that? Er, well, I guess if I'm gonna be your stalker (or as Jack McFarland says, "I prefer Professional Crazed Fan), I better get crackin' Let's see, quit job, sell worldly belongings, find new home for cats, and move to New York... Sound totally doable! See ya Thursday!
from sunpowered :
Hoooooooooo, that's a good one, deserves a good slug to your arm. (Will you come hang our lights this weekend) Alright wise guy.... ;-) So you like FVH decaf too? Wee are tweens! And we're not that far apart in age. I turn 36 in 90 days! Keep on truckin' tween! :-P
from sunpowered :
:-) I know, I love it when I find out something surprising and neat about someone; something I wouldn't expect from them. It's fun. I was tickled to learn my Hallmark boss rides a HAYABUSA! Whooo! Didn't see that coming. So, the wisdom tooth thing is easy-peasy? Easy-peasy, right? Easy-peasy? (I'm counting on everyone I ask to tell me 'Oh man, you won't even need a pain pill for it!) That's my litmus test. If I can convince myself it's so insignificant I won't even need a pain pill, I think I'll relax! So... it's easy-peasy, right?! ;-) Thanks a million for letting me know your niece breezed through it. That gives me a lot of hope that I won't be in much pain, if at all. Have a great night, Brian! :-)
from sunpowered :
Ooh-ooh, shot gun! Michael gave me a beauty last Christmas and I am looking forward to breaking her in. I'm simultaneously scared to fire it, and looking forward to getting comfortable firing it. I love a nice shotgun. All clean and smooth-action. I'm glad you brought the subject up. Maybe I'll push to go shooting in January. Get over my jitters. Been a while since I shot. Skeet, of course. Good night to you, -Melissa
from sunpowered :
Thank you. I will do my best. You're really just fabulously great. Big appreciation to you for your kindness and humanity. Even when I've been a dingwad why-me crybaby. You're neat. -Melissa
from sunpowered :
Hahahahaha!!! I love anybody who can use capitulate AND cheesed*ck in the same sentence! You're aces, Smokefree! I hope you have a fabulous week, my dear! :-)
from sunpowered :
**You rock on!** :-D And have a great week!**
from sunpowered :
It's on A&E. Sunday nights at 9pm CST. I guess 10 for you? Hm, I forgot about the control thing and stimulus/response. Glad you brought that up. I really meant though that you could just watch it for you. It's an hour long doc about either 1 or 2 addicts and their families, and the subsequent internvention. Then wraps up with a few minutes of how they did after trtmt, either showing that person happily sober, or not. Or maybe a possible relapse before getting happily sober. I thought of it more for you than for the both of you. I'm experienced in the whole "How dare you think you know better than me" fight. I send you big energy! -Melissa
from sunpowered :
Just a thought that crossed my mind - do you ever watch 'Intervention'? Or is that even possible, for lack of privacy reasons, etc.
from sunpowered :
Oh, yes. Cleansing, indeed. I hadn't realized I need to do this so regularly. I'm one of those people that picks up ... energy, for lack of a better word, from objects. And when I'm in a room with a lot of stuff, my brain is picking up all the emotion from the things in there. My study is my sanctuary for that reason. I live with two packrats. :-( It is hell for someone like me. But yes, unloading is cleansing for me, just as you said. Have a great night up there. Stay warm!
from sunpowered :
Ohhhhh, isn't it wonnnnnderful? I just did a load a bit ago, and since your note, have decided to skip the dryer. Instead, you've inspired me to go the "extra step" and hang them on the racks I usually use, put them out on the balcony. That balcony - my sanctuary. My backyard for now! Thank goodness for the little free decadences we can give ourselves! Decadences can too be a word.... ;-)
from sunpowered :
:-) I'm thinking there'll be times when I sway back and forth in both my confidence and optimism. But I'll just do what my Mom's always done - make the best of the situation. I'm not ready this year, but when the times comes, I'll MAKE myself ready. ;-) Good thoughts and smiles to you on this Wednesday night, -Melissa
from sunpowered :
It just irks me when you keep running into people you don't want to run into! I know there's a lesson in it, but ARGHHH!!!
from sunpowered :
Ba-HAH! "And I’d still have to wipe them down when I was through."
from sunpowered :
I came across a postcard last year advertising an independent film called 'Motorcycle'. It was a yellow background and a close-up b&w shot of a guy and his helmeted head. And the handlebars and mirrors. The tagline read, "My girlfriend left me. So I bought a motorcycle." Of course, WEEEEEE have a much better reason than THAAAAT!!! Reason? Who needs a reason to buy a motorcycle? It's its own reason! See the bike - Save up for the bike - Ride the bike! It's a bike! (Re-read that with your best Seinfeld voice in your head harping at full blast!) I think it was Picasso that said, "The heart wants what it wants." Granted, I feel better when Michael drives his tank to work, than days when he takes the bike, but we all have to do what makes us happy. Anyway, if it's not a bike wreck, it's something else. Why live in fear. Sorry for the novella. I do that sometimes. This may or may not color your decision to ever note me again. ;-P I hope you have a blast at your games.
from aliannmil :
The goal is to do what you have to do and without hate. Like it or not it the qualifier can feel your emotions and feed on them. Compassion, that's exactly what I'm after. Wishing you Peace. ~alison
from serenaville :
DUDE. The 26th. You. Me. {{{Bear hugs}}}. Beers. The Fair? BE HERE! ;D
from blogofitness :
BTW, thanks for the cheerleading! I mean it.
from joiedv :
Well, you know diamonds ARE a girl's best friend. Personally, I would do just about anything for diamonds. Maybe you can strike a deal with her...trade 3 diamonds for 2 A's, if you get my drift...
from joiedv :
Bit of a pickle you are in. But you made it 25 years, even if it wasn't all pretty. Hopefully, you will stick by her through this "sickness" she has, and she will beat it before damaging the family or herself too much. Personally, I would never snub any gift from my husband, and I have never hinted for something that big. But I'd rather have the diamonds too :)
from mom-on-roof :
Hey Bri! May I call you Bri? Probably drives you nuts. You are doing fantastic! And Alison, dangit, SKUNKED us! Me, I keep going WWWWUP (that's WUP with a W) and down, I'm stuck hovering around 113, which is better than this spring around 121, ick. I guess I'll just have to get used to the tiny little belly roll thing, I think it's my age, it's just going to be there, because I am not starving myself until I look all wrinkly-assed and sunk in. I needs my little bit o' fat, and anyways, it's growing on me, I think it's kinda cute, I'm going to name it... Princess Jelly Donut. I love Princess Jelly Donut. She's all tanned now, she is looking good. Okay, I'm off like a dirty shirt, gotta run out to Ohio and see a man about a horse. Literally. Maybe two.
from joiedv :
INTERVENTION. Does she have any clue how her kids see her?
from mom-on-roof :
Hey Brian, nice parabolic curve! Or something. I can't wait to get outta that durn valley though, it's awful lonesome down there. I hope things change for you soon, Brian, I really do, keep fightin' the good fight there...
from sekritsquirl :
well i dont know. i have been doing it my way for six years and its worked great (in the sense of losing weight). of course it runs in cycles, theres like 3 months out of the year that i try to talk to myself to change, then it slowly starts in again... screwing is good too! everytime is like running two miles and i hate running so its a nice alternative :)
from sekritsquirl :
that has got to be pretty difficult dealing with that. its hard when a loved one is in to much denial to see what they are doing to themselves. on a lighter note, great job on losing weight! that is something that i am striving to do as well. i wish i was able to run on the tread like that, i hate treadmils!! love the eliptical though. dont worry about your 6 pounds in a week, i need to lose 8 by tomarrow to meet my goal..he he, dont think that will happen!!! still gonna try though...
from sekritsquirl :
yeah my dad had a heartattack about a year ago and the doctors have told him many times to quite but he wont...it makes me sad but i have to respect that. your wife is a drinker?
from sekritsquirl :
no, nothing that i can think of. i quit smoking like 5 years ago, i still get cravings but i have never touched them since i went cold turkey. i know how hard it can be, if you ever need anything let me know, i can always give support! i just wish that my dad would quite smoking :(
from sekritsquirl :
thats so cool that you quite smoking....kudos to you!!!
from joiedv :
Great Pond Pictures. Good job. Wow. I am so impressed. I wish I had advice re: your favorite alcoholic. I feel so bad for you, I don't know what it is like to live with someone like that, but I had a friend growing up whose mother was an alcoholic, and I saw some strange things first hand when with her. Just take care of your boys.
from mom-on-roof :
Godblessyourheart, Brian, I'm sure you're Dad is a'smilin' in heaven watching your progress. You're doing great! Me, I don't want to talk about the back-sliding I have done over the weekend, I gained back 3, oh crap, I'm talkin' about it, but regardless, I was down to a magical 114 for my date with Bill Pettijohn/Jim Morrison and I felt H.O.T. and cute and that was good, and now I'm back on the water and vegetables. You will have to adjust my stats accordingly, but it's okay, I'm all muscle anyways. You, however, are TEARING IT UP, keep up the good work, keep your eye on the prize and other Rocky/Barretta-type sayings... P.S. Loved the pond pics!!! MAN!! You know how to FINISH stuff! P.S.S. I'm going to put up an entry with the songlist from the Happy Happy Joy Joy CD, I meant to include it, but was in a hurry to fulfill obligation as stated in diary.
from aliannmil :
Brian, I have really good news for you. It doesn't matter the reason behind the gift, guilt or gloss, you have a new camera (remember the kids were involved and I'm betting unlike past years they were able to really contribute too). You need to stop worrying bout the whys and enjoy the whats. Nothing is going to change until it changes, no matter what you do soooooo...Take care of you, take pictures of your pond, and enjoy the good (great!) around you. I wish you Peace ~ alison
from im2evil4u :
I hate to break the news to you but I know many men that do the same damned thing. Bitch, bitch, bitch and do nothing to fix it. I think it is a personality trait and depends on the individual and not the sex. Perhaps it has to do with how long the person was breast fed or if they were potty trained in a timely manner.
from mom-on-roof :
Now I must know, what's a Lester Flatt & Earl Scruggs?
from mom-on-roof :
Hey Brian, just checking in to say HA! I finally broke down and did some nasty hated stomach crunches. Thanks to you. Oh, stomach crunch, how I do loathe thee... You should know, I think of you with every searing blindingly painful crunch, and if I didn't adore you so very much I believe I might even begin to loathe YOU for it. No I wouldn't. I have bumped up my goal, as I now have renued incentive, Moonlight Drive is playing at the Cove on June 17, and I want to look H.O.T. and brown and groovy and dance like I just don't care. I'm even swearing off my Yuenglings until then. Now THAT is dedication. Yours in pain and loathing, Dawn
from serenaville :
Wishing you all best luck in your race today! You're going to do great, I have every faith in you. Sorry to know it was another bad night, but what better way to work off angst than by solid exercise, hey? Miss ya. {{{{{{Bear hug}}}}}}
from aliannmil :
I'm so proud of you. Had I known you would use them I would have suggested those books (I used to have them but returned them to the fold once I found my way). Good luck with the race, I will think of you when I am running this afternoon (my weasily short mile). Soon I tell you, soon I'm gonna go for two. Take care of you. ~alison
from artgnome :
Thank you, thank you very much!
from aliannmil :
OK Brian, no fair knowing me that well. I soooo wanted to check out my weight after I read that you were down to 191 (Congratulations on that BTW). I'm still holding strong. I am off today (wed) so I hope to get a run in (I'm a little scared cause it's been a while and I will be sore and I run around all day at my job.) Oh well, no pain, no bragging rights. Take care o' you.
from joiedv :
But, oh yeah, back to my daughter, she was on the varsity golf team her junior year. She didn't want to do it this year, but she was pretty good. Her strength was her drive, which didn't really give her much of an advantage when they played some smaller executive courses, but when they got out on the big courses (like the Olympic Club in San Francisco), she really rocked, especially on those mean par 5's. Which I fondly refer to as "par 8's."
from joiedv :
Bah, how did that post twice!
from joiedv :
Me, I prefer a nice wood to an iron any day. And it is really hard to say THAT without flinching. I have been known to play an entire whole using only my 3 wood and my putter. Which should tell you my expertise level...
from joiedv :
Me, I prefer a nice wood to an iron any day. And it is really hard to say THAT without flinching. I have been known to play an entire whole using only my 3 wood and my putter. Which should tell you my expertise level...
from joiedv :
You know, I think the mechanics of how you swing really affects your drive. That and having the right driver. My (then) 17-year old daughter played with my husband and some other guys last year, and regularly outdrove some of them. With a lot less weight and strength. Sometimes you just "have it."
from joiedv :
Awww, that meeting with Serena was so sweet.
from mom-on-roof :
191?!? YOU RUUUULE!!!Good Lord, no wonder you want updates from Alison and me! I'm going to have to get back to you on that, onaccounta I NEVER weigh myself after a weekend spent with my family, topped off by a ridiculously over-priced BAND BANQUET in which I feel the need to get my money's worth by eating 12 plates greasy broasted wedding chicken and rigatonis. Plus a stinky nasty huge chunk of totally-not-worth-it marble band cake with that horrible disgusting cloying icing, which I cleaned the plate, thankyouverymuch. I don't know, social functions just make me ravenous. But YOU, on the other hand, YOU are doing fantastic!
from aliannmil :
Thanks again for the scale and TAG..read my blog.
from joiedv :
I remember a movie where the alcolholic wife kept her booze in the washing machine. Nobody looked in there, and it was easy to sneak a drink while "doing laundry." Does Kodak make hidden cameras?
from joiedv :
I sure hope Serena posts whatevet spy mission details she can, because you have got me very curious, you tease you!
from mom-on-roof :
Gimme yer address, STAT! Im going to send you.. um... some... CELERY! YEAH! THat's it, celery!
from smokefree-me :
You're certifiable, ya know? Don't worry about the weight loss thing yet. I'm pretty sure it was a combo of stress and de-hydration. I drank a LOT of water today, and hardly any leaked back out. Bummer. My real weaknesses? Peanut butter, cookie dough ice cream, oatmeal craisin cookies. Mmmmmmmmm. We don't keep ANY of that evil stuff in the house anymore, cuz I eat it all. Fast.
from mom-on-roof :
I was doing so well avoiding the coffee this morning. Until you posted. And made me yearn for the Care Bears. Sigh. I caved. I brewed. I did the whole pot. I'm glad things have settled for you, probably in some kind of weird LULL-type thing, but still, it's better than the drama. Gives you time to think. Her too. Also, I'm getting a little scared-a-you with the weight loss! I'm going to have to start sabotaging you with butter pecan suggestions... butter pecan... oooooo.... crunchy and creamy and... cold and sweet and... butter... butterrrrr... butter pecannnn....
from serenaville :
Muahahaha, one son at a time! ;) Glad to know things have settled out some. Dude, you're gonna be so decompressed next week, you'll slip into a coma for being so relaxed! Tr-r-r-ust me. ;D *HUGS!!!*
from zuzus-petals :
Brian - I'm surprised you stammered over the question, "would she follow through..." What IS her drinking, afterall, but a much slower version of following through? - Zu
from serenaville :
Oh, WOW. Brian, I read your entry after I sent the e-mail... I don't know what I can add, that the very sage people before me haven't already said... just know that I am here for you in any way I can possibly help. After all that, sounds like you'll need a night out... *HUGS!!!!*
from aliannmil :
Brian, You did what you had to do (and I agree with Mom on this one). Trouble with drunks is they can do things unexpectedly and accidently when absent. Her lack of awareness could have lead to her hurting herself by falling on the knife. I know that scene from both sides, the agony of raw and complete pain intensified by alcohol and the sober helplessness as you watch someone you once loved (and work really hard to love through your total frustration and slight disgust at their self pitying self indulgence). For a former drunk I have surprisingly little tolerance for them. All of this is of no help to you in this horrific time. For you: Eat! Sleep! Exercise! Take care of yourself!! You will be tempted in your emotional exhaustion to ignore your needs and dwell on the problem at hand. It is not your problem, it is hers. You have done what you can now you must wait and see. Do not defend yourself when she expresses her anger simply inform her that you did what you thought was right and you will do it again if she behaves that way again. Go to the gym, run your race (I LOVE 5K they are so much fun and feel so good), take care of YOU!!! I'm here if you need to talk (my e-mail is similar to yours - see above - at netzer0.net). Sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone who has been there. I wish you Peace ~ alison
from mom-on-roof :
As Queen of the Passive Aggressives, I think I can translate for you, "Do what you gotta do" actually means "Yes, please. Do that. I'll thank you later after I pretend to be angry with you for caring about me and doing what I needed you to do." Thinking of you and wishing you both strength and healing...
from fightn4life :
I happened across your diary today and thought…how awesome you are still living smoke free today. You have done an awesome job of quitting, getting into shape and taking charge of your life. I enjoyed catching up. Me and Alison (aliannmil) and her new love had the chance to meet in person on her way up North for a nice breakfast. She is an absolutely beautiful person, you can not help but feel her warmth towards life while in her presents. I feel it was such a wonderful twist of fate to have someone I have known for over two years that helped me through some terrible times find their way into my world for just a moment in time. I was able to say thank you in the 3D world, and I felt it would be nice to share it with a fellow quitter. I know your journey has not been an easy one but I admire your strength. Sandyz Quit smoking October 23, 2003
from joiedv :
Whoa....rather new here. You caught me off guard with your entry about Cindy tonight. I assume this has been discussed before, but I am so sorry to hear about this. So so sorry. Hopefully she will get the help she needs and things will be better than ever in the near future. I understand that people do often need to hit bottom to get them to turn things around. ie...my mom had a stroke before she would quit smoking. I will be thinking about you.
from serenaville :
As for the 11th: Yes, please let me know if he's working. YAY, we are SO ON for the 20th!! When the time gets closer, I'll give you the info to reach me, and we'll coordinate. Looking forward to it!! :) *HUGS*
from joiedv :
I caught someone's footsteps in my stats, with tread which read Eastman Kodak. Thanks for identifying yourself. I totally understand the vulnerable feeling you get when you feel identifiable, though. Your secret is safe with me ;)
from serenaville :
Thank you for the kind compliment, and the shout-out. So sweet! Can you feel the heat of the blushing from there? If you want to make posting in my space a consequence of the wager, you're both cordially invited -- win, lose, or draw. :) *HUGS!!!*
from mom-on-roof :
I want to lose 8 lbs before swimsuit season, you want to lose 15, right? Since it's technically roughly twice as easy for a man to lose weight as a woman (I like to make up facts to suit my own purposes), you care to make a little wager?
from serenaville :
Awww, too bad I missed ya this trip to Syracuse! Sounds like your time was crunched, though. Never tried Smokey Bones, will keep the place in mind. I highly recommend Santangelo's in Liverpool, Aunt Josie's near the city, and Amore in Fayetteville; if you're looking for good Italian food on your next visit. :)
from mom-on-roof :
Oh, my azalea killing, rhododendron throttling, mole skewering brother... Do you, by chance, also have a tendency to massacre arborvitae? I do so love a good arborvitae kill...
from mom-on-roof :
heh heh... Man against Mole, the saga continues...
from mom-on-roof :
You're right, I am lucky. Did you dig that hole by hand? Holy mackerel! No wonder you lost 2 lbs!
from serenaville :
Thanks for the shout-out! I am tickled that you're planning on trying the omelet recipe... on pins and needles awaiting the results! Normally, I never have need drive out to DeWitt for any reason, but I intend to make a special trip out there just to find your son (It's not stalking, when one is invited! Heh). Talking of invitations, if you ever want to meet up during one of your visits here, drop me an e-mail... :)
from aliannmil :
The hardest palce to be is on the outside looking in, trust me I know, I've seen both sides. You are doing so much better, I am proud of YOU. Here you are setting bounderies and taking care of yourself. Just keep up the good work. Thanks too for the compliment, if I can do this anyone can, I hope Cindy can too. ~alison~
from mom-on-roof :
I was going to leave you a big wad of sappy assvice about how "you can't fix another person" and "all you wife wants is someone to recognize her pain and the unfairness of it all" and junky cliches like that, but I caught myself in time! I went back in your archives to April 7, 2005, and do you know what you were talking about on that day? Going to an al-anon meeting so you could find the secret to "correct your wife's behavior". Ahem. Godblessyourheart, Brian, but you're just such a... man. Keep trying though, I hope you can get through to her, or I hope she lets you in, whichever way it works...
from serenaville :
*HUGS* for the great diary comment in your faves/buddy list. First one listed, besides... quite an honor! You made my day, Brian, you've no idea. Thank you so much.
from mom-on-roof :
Don't even tell me what I SHOULDA bought. The voices told me to buy a canon.
from serenaville :
Maybe the stress and activity helped you lose weight in Florida? Welcome back, you were missed!! *HUGS*
from mom-on-roof :
Brian! 'Bout time you leave some contact info! At least I'm pretty sure I've never seen any before, this is the first time I found your journal. And as for "occasionally", two C's, one S and just a wee little tiny A in the middle. There ya go, you're all set. Good luck in your healthy endeavors, I'll be following along now, no pressure...
from aliannmil :
Congratulations on braking 200 brian (and I mean that in the losing weight, way not the bowling way). What a terrific accomplishment to add to your already spectacular quit. You sound good and I'm happy to see it. Keep taking care of you. ~alison
from serenaville :
Congrats on the new record low weight loss!! I very much enjoy reading of your diet/exercise experiences, and progress. As for my Lenten Challenge weight loss timeframe? I really don't mind if it takes longer than 40-60 days, that was a range I pulled out of thin air. If it proves unrealistic, ah well, I'm in this for the long haul anyhow. Complete lifestyle change, and all that. :) (WOW. Look how long ago I first mentioned wanting to do this, in my last note. Sheesh.)
from serenaville :
Brian! You still read my diary! What a pleasant surprise. :) Thank you for the comment. I have your diary bookmarked now, I've no idea why I didn't have it saved prior. Likely got distracted. I'll be reading you too, with much interest, as I want to drop fifteen to twenty pounds and get in shape by walking or something. Reading of your progress is inspiring. Don't mind my nosing about your archives. Congrats on 500 days. I quit over five years ago, so know you can stay the course too. :)
from wench77 :
thanks for doing my weapons survey! Fun answers! You are the first to say using a motor vehicle sabotage as a weapon. interestingly enough. I did find it funny that you say only police and govt should have handguns (I mostly agree) and then want a 10mm in a bad neighborhood. Yikes! I wouldn't want to scare ya in a bad neighborhood!! (btw many people live in neighborhoods they are scared in, so avoid the neighborhood doesn't always work so well). Anyways, great answers, it was fun to read, thanks! oh, btw, it is best to show a weapon and threaten with it before using it if you are afraid of being attacked, or are attacked, from a legal standpoint. If you use more force than they do (ie you have a knife but they have only hands), you can get convicted of self-defence with excessive force. I know. Happened to a friend of mine. Best to show what you got, and give them a chance to back off, before you are suddenly a manslaughter suspect trying to explain yourself in court. That is my free advice for the day. :D I did write entries about the whole quiz and why I wrote particular questions but I'm too lazy to check my archives for the links. cheers!
from aliannmil :
Brian, There is nothing you can do to protect Cindy from herself or yourself from the bad choice she is making. Based on the very real danger that she might bleed to death you might attempt an intervention (but keep in mind intervention isn't always effective and has consequences). I don't know how your insurance is but you might try calling your EAP and find out if they cover rehab, the call is confidential. Talk to your children honestly about your concerns and ask them support you. OR Is there someone you can tap as a weekend "guardian"? Tell her you are worried about the coumidin so as not to get hackles up. If you go, go and don't let your obsession with her come along. The relationship between a drunk and an enabler is love/hate on both sides, don't add more fuel to the bonfire. If you love her let her go, you can not save her. I wish you Peace ~ alison
from fightn4life :
I am late but my world went on the spin for a few days. We all have days like this so I am never alone. Congratulations on your first year of freedom. I am thrilled for you. Your healthy sound wonderful and smoke free. Big reward. You deserve it. Thanks you for allowing me to journey with you. I am on month from two years of freedom. Even during turmoil, life is wonderful. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
OKAY SO IT'S TODAY!!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! GREAT JOB ON ONE YEAR! YOU TOTALLY ROCK! (Many congrats to C too... I'm tempted to say 25 days is more of a feat than 1 year... but you don't get to one year without day 25, 36, 90 and 120.... ) NEVER GO BACK! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I have been keeping up with your diary as a lurker. A late welcome back, thoughts and prayers are with you and C. I am in awe of your walking smoke free for almost a year now. Celebrate life, you have come so far and been through many trying times. You too are an inspiration for many quitters, me included. I think of all those that are taking this journey with me and do not want to go wandering off in the woods alone. Together we can stay smoke free. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
What'dya gonna do to celebrate a year!? Who'da thunk? Why, you're a natural born quitter (heh.) I knew you'd do it - you have that resolve - amazing, awesome, driven, sincere. I'm sure I'll say it again, but even a hop, skip and a jump to the day might I be the first to cry how "AMAZING JOB ON A YEAR SMOKE FREE!!!! YOU ROCK!!!" - zuzu
from aliannmil :
Welcome Back! I hope C feels better soon. My father just went through a similar experience and is also on Coumadin (and doing fine thank you). Do be sure and carve out a little me time in your busy schedule. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
from zuzus-petals :
Hey! It's been a long time since you've updated.. how's the quit coming along? - Zuzu
from aliannmil :
No chastisement here. I want to congratulate you on your 300 days, Yay for you. Also congrats for sticking to you helthy eating and exercise plan. You should soon experience the "ramp up". For some reason after a few months of really habitual exercise you experience a sense of energy that is out of this world. Oh and I am happy to see you, I was a little worried you were sicker than it turned out to be. Only one little word of advice, keep taking care of you and the rest will take care of itself. I wish you Pease ~ alison
from aliannmil :
Ah, The joy of home repair/reconstruction where every task takes twice as long and twice as much money than we expected. I know it all too well. I am still sitting in limbo waiting for my new apartment to become available so no settling for me yet. Thank you for not taking my earlier note badly. After I post it I read it and felt awful. (I wish you could edit notes) I'm a lot like you. I'm a scientist and a people pleaser and I thought that I could change my qualifier. Take solace though, my story is not the only story. Lots of people get better, stay married and their qualifier even stops drinking eventually but no matter what, you will learn to do the next logical step. I hope you feel better soon. Rest well and then you can find the time to take care of your spirit as well as your body. ~I wish you Peace~ alison
from fightn4life :
Thanks for the send off...I am settling back in to a normal life, if...possible. :) I hope to get an update in my Diary soon. Hope all is going good in your smoke free world. (Ok..I cheated...read your Diary last night) Sandyz
from aliannmil :
I'm not really sure how to say this so I'm just going to jump right in and damn the consequences. You aren't getting the concept that is al-anon (probably because you haven't really gone to enough meetings). The literature is for you , not C. It is not designed to elicit a change in her but a change in you instead. Let me ask a question, how much did you think about C and what was going on at home as you were meandering around your area on the bike? How much of that pleasent experience did you sacrifice to wondering (obsessing) about what she was doing, how she would be when you got home, and what you should be doing about it? If you say none then at least you are doing something right. Your life should not be spent obsessing about hers. Pay no attention to the pink elephant (drunk) in the middle of the room, occupy yourself with living. You can not protect her from herself, this is not your job. Your responsibility is you. I feel as though I am being harsh but I see you struggling and I know the way out. It's like watching someone drown while holding the rescue hook in your hands. Grap the hook Brian, trust me al-anon is your way out. No matter what she does your life will get better. Keep on biking Brian, it is better for you than plotting.
from zuzus-petals :
I think the craves and their lessening in intensity and/or their going away completely is a very individual experience. I'm just over a year and a half and had some really stressful times this week and the cravings were very intense - before that, however, generally not so bad or ever-present, occasional still however. I read missives from my fellow quitters and for them, relapse is really not an option. Smoking is simply no longer a part of their life, thoughts or reality. That's not true for me. I am not at all convinced that I will not relapse and there are ways the addiction and addictive thoughts still have holds on me. I just ask myself, "am I going to smoke today?" And thus far I seem to be able to answer, "not today. I'm not going to relapse or smoke today. I may not be able to do this forever.. but I can do this today." That seems to take the pressure off and disempower the moment. Though days can pass now without thoughts about smoking, those thoughts are still not extricated from my life.
from fightn4life :
Fascinating entry about the leg scar, I read this with great interest. I have several scars on my left leg looks as if I played a couple of games of "chicken" with a lit cigarette. What they determined it was, was a scorpion bite, infected and spread like little pock holes. That will teach me to clean the windows while living in Florida. Anyway…interesting entry and well written. Hope all is well with you and C tonight. Sandyz
from aliannmil :
Or not ~ just a suggestion because I know it will help but I don't want you to feel nagged, that is not my intent.
from aliannmil :
Get thee to al-anon, it's just gonna fester and spread until you get the proper treatment. You probably can't avoid the scar but it doesn't have to be as big as it will get if you pretend you aren't sick. The boys can mow the lawn and everyone can forage for their own food. Take care of you, this is important. ~I wish you Peace~ alison
from aliannmil :
It's funny, I once described how it felt to be lost in the bottle as sitting at the bottom of a deep, black hole of depression and misery but that the reality is the hole isn't that deep and the way out is to stand up and stop feeling sorry for myself. You see the hole isn't deep it is just that alcholism is a disease best descibed (IMO) as A.- self medicating a chemical imbalance mental disorder (in my case - bipolar) or B. -wallowing in a sea of dissappointment and self pity. It doesn't matter which one the you are dealing with the living conditions are the same. I was lucky, my condition can be stabalized with the correct medication and since my moods are more stable I am better able to avoid alcohol. Of couse I avoid it entirely (whether or not I am a true alcoholic or not is immaterial to me, there is no reason to comsume alcohol in my world so why take chances) I view it as a drug, and worse, one that interferes with my chemical balance. I am VERY lucky, I escaped my alcoholic, abusive marriage, found proper treatment for my mental disease, and first and formost quit smoking. Much of what I accomplished was due to alanon becuase when I became tempted to focus on the my qualifyer's (ex's) crap I was refocused into looking at how I could change my behavior and attention to better my life. Gosh this is long, sorry to be so forward but I hope it can help a little. ~alison
from aliannmil :
I have one suggestion "Don't". I understand that you are an engineer and you can see a design and/or application flaw and you want to fix it but unfortunately production doesn't think there is a problem and since there is no actual "manager" to appeal to you should leave it alone. You did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it. Through the years you have developed an unhealthy obsession with her drinking. You both have a disease and the cure is the same for both of you. You should consider placing your energy more into something you have a hope of affecting and that is your own life. Does tracking her drinking habits change them? Does pointing out her drinking statistics to her affect them in any way. You can't affect this. If you choose to approach the Doctor and report your wifes excessive drinking the doctor will want to address it with her but be prepared for it to have no effect (or she may deny it comepletly). Fact is Alcoholics drink until they bottom and everyones bottom is different. One day at a time. I love that you are taking pleasure in your physical activities and taking steps to improve your mental health but I think you still need to focus more on you and less on her. Of course this is your life and I would never presume to tell you what to do I merely suggest. You are the master of your ship. Do you want to spend you life obsessing about someone else or would you prefer to live your life. As for the wife, enjoy the good, ignore the bad and keep going to the meetings. Take care of you ~ alison
from fightn4life :
Loved your entry today on religion. Weird as it seems I am not involved in a certain religion. I spent my growing up years being raised Christian Science and recall attending a Protestant church next to our grade school. My mother has converted to the Catholic religion. I have searched over the years for a church that I could believe 100% in. This never happened, but during the query, I found I had within me spiritual side that held an unwavering belief in our creator. I did not come to this conclusion one day like the one when a light switches on; it was years of many miraculous things that has happened to my family and me. Many events during my life have moved me closer to our One the God I believe in. I don't feel in any way that only one belief is the only highway to a heaven, I believe many roads take us "home" I do believe the words within the Bible which as many know can be read as different as every reader sees the print. (Thus many religions) No two see the same minds photo of the pages they read. I think it is wonderful you are questing the existence or lack of a God that feels right within your soul. Every human has the right to follow the map their spirit connects with for answers. What saddens me is when someone sees a dead end and gives up all hope. All beliefs will be found during the search. Finding the One that quietly whispers to your soul is the father who nothing more wants to love, be loved just as we all do. Where there is faith there is hope. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Welcome home smaoke free me. :) I have just returned myself after a 3 thousand mile adventure. I needed time off and did enjoy my trip. Hubby stayed at home and tended to our very spoiled cats. I think the "I am spending a few days with mom" was his reason for the jump back. Cats were happy so I cannot complain. I am so glad you have your first meeting under your belt. You have taken the first big step, keep going. I too remained smoke free. How happy I am to still be in control of my addiction. What ever life hands you...feel proud. You are doing an awesome job of getting through life smoke free. I did enjoy catching up on your diary. Looking forward to your new topics for posting, they sound fun. Sandyz
from aliannmil :
Sorry, did I forget to mention I ran away from WNY after 34 years of moving snow around. Born and bred Niagara Falls, parents still live there. I bought my first house in '88 for 34,000 (3br 1 1/2 b) so with the average 2 bedroom starter home selling at (gulp) 250,000 I am suffering from serious sticker shock. Still I can't take the snow so I will leave it to you and my folks (who insist on remaining snowville). I miss places like Mumford though (they just don't have old houses like that out here.)
from aliannmil :
Congratulations, you have done the best thing you could do since you quit smoking and started exercising to make your life better. You will feel better whether C makes changes or not. You will gain the tools to deal with your own issues and redirect your obsession with her drinking to something you have control over, you. May I recommend Courage to Change for reading. When I was still dealing with my ex I found it quite helpful. Keep going back and you will feel better I promise you. ~alison
from aliannmil :
Welcome back. Your story is so familiar to me. I'm glad you are going to take in a meeting and I'm with the ladies, don't make an issue of it but just tell her "This has nothing to do with you I need to do this for me". I wouldn't worry about the workouts you'll get back up to speed and it will be easier and faster than the start-up. Isn't it great not to have to run outside for a quick fix at the airport. You can stroll through the airport and enjoy the people watching. I love airports for that. BTW I'm in San Diego so if there is anything I can do to help with the estate thing please ask. It could be a way for me to pay it forward. Take care of you.~alison
from zuzus-petals :
Welcome home! Congrats for remaining smoke free.. what an incredible job! YAY you! I look forward to hear on the Al Anon meeting goes. - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
Have a great time in Florida. I have so much family around the Orlando area. I agree 100% with Zuzu, tell C. When you get home, leave the information on the table so it will hit home what it is about her you are unhappy with. I never did lie to exhubby about going to AL-Anon meetings, or taking the kids to Al-Ateen. I cannot say it made him happy but he knew what was upsetting me. I remember one of the things they told me at a meeting was to talk to our partners about how we were feeling. They are not mind readers. hey didn't say it would help..but..you never know. I do understand how frustrating it is for you wanting to push a button for a quick wake up call for C. I have been waiting for over 17 months for my husband to decide on his own he is done with smoking. If I mention it it seems he gets worst, smokes more. Some times, I want to scream at him. It would not be so bad if he didn't smoke in the house all the time. Anyway, have a wonderful trip. You are doing awesome on your quit and weight. I am jealous. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Hey you!!! AWESOME job on the weight and bp stats!! How's that for the world telling you that work on ourselves pay off! I'm SOOOO jealous. GREAT job! And on an unrelated issue, I don't think you should lie or even white-lie to C about your where abouts. What's the big deal about saying,"I'm having a problem with the way alcohol is affecting my life and I'm going to an Al Anon meeting."? I don't think you should (or need to) be the least bit deceptive about what you're doing here. You have nothing to hide. Go to an Al Anon meeting in Florida if you want - they have them everywhere - you might find one just round the corner from where you're staying.. you just never know now do you? Have a GREAT time on your vacation! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
Alison's words ring so true for me. She can express to you what I cannot. I lived with a substance abuser and (abuser) for 15 years, my ex husband. I so understand what Alison was saying by telling you to first face your own demons and put everything in perspective before you make any life changing decisions. There is no quick fix my friend. We wait in anticipation to your first meeting. Also, do as suggested and go to an open AA meeting when you feel ready. I attended several and it helped to hear the perspective from the other side of the fence. I hope you do not feel as if you have been ambushed, there are many of us that have walked the path you are on and know there are times you will need a friendly, understanding heart. Sandyz
from aliannmil :
Hi, Seems we share a few friends though we have never "met". I quit smoking 22 months ago, congradulations on your quit. I quit drinking 15 months ago. I spent as much time at al-anon in the beginning of my sobriety as I did in AA because my husband at the time was still drinking. I have a very unique perspective because I was both the drunk and the co-dependent at the same time. I can not blame my ex for my problems, they existed independent of him. In the same way your wifes drinking has nothing to do with you. We tend to give ourselves too much dredit in this world. We take far to much responsibility for other peoples actions as if we truely had the ability to "make" someone do something. People do what they do for reasons often known only to them and in the case of an alcoholic not even known to them since they have often taken up residence in denial, or in my case I always knew I was wrong but due to a improperly diagnosed and untreated mental illness I simply couldn't face the world as I perceived it. I make no excuses for your wife but I reccomend that you turn you focus to what you have some minimal control over. Your own personal perspective of the world. You can choose how to see things. When you stop blaming yourself and recognize your addiction your quit becomes easier and the same holds true for the alcoholic. After you have a few al-anon meeting under your belt, take in an open AA meeting. It may help you see the alcoholic in your life a little better. Don't make any major changes and don't push your wifes drinking or non-drinking as an issure. That is her choice and it has NOTHING to do with you, no matter if she tries to blame you or not. I hope you take this in the way it is offered as different way of looking at things and a suggestion. Feel free to take or leave what every parts of this doesn't work for you. No matter what you choose I wish you Peace.~alison
from zuzus-petals :
Got your note and I'm so exciting to hear what you think about your first Al Anon meeting and what you feel and learn! Right now maybe you see things in black and white - she either stops drinking or I look my marriage vows square in the eye. I'll only say this.. slow down.. don't put so much pressure on the moment. No one is saying that you should leave C and there is a great deal of learning, growing, changing, thinking and feeling before you'll need to make a dramatic decision. Only and ultimately you will know what's best for you but no one is going to tell you to walk out of a 30 year marriage and certainly no one is going to press you to make a decision like that today or any time... maybe, one day, that will be something you'll ponder further.. but that's up to you. I say that mostly in hopes that if you are feeling that there's a lot riding on this Al Anon stuff that while I agree there is, it's about you and your healing - and that's the important thing on the line. My mother periodically goes to Al Anon and she's been married to my actively alcholic father for nearly 50 years. She still pays FAR too much attention to how much he drinks, when he drinks, etc., but/and she made a decision to stay.. to work as much as possible on her staying healthy in the context of his addiction, healing from the affects of addiction so she can be healthier and happier in her relationship. She does better some days then others. My personal and outside experience is that I have never seen my mother happier, so emotionally healthy or more joyful as I have since she began going to Al Anon.. and she's generally a happy person so that's saying something. And she's still with him! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
I had the same thought as SandyZ/Fightn4life when I read about going to Al Anon as a means to change C's behavior. But then I thought, well, what you're going to learn at Al Anon is that the only behavior you can change in your own and you're likely going to start recognizing and becoming aware of how much you've changed your behavior to make it easier for C to be an addict. Trying to get someone to stop drinking is about as futile as trying to get someone to stop smoking. Education can help, surely, but ultimately the only thing that ever helped me to stop smoking was love and support. I wish you the very best! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
What I found sad about this entry was your hopes to "correct C's behavior". Al-Anon meeting are a support group to help you understand her addiction and how this cannot be your choice to change C but hers. Just as we choose to stop smoking by refusing everyday not to feed the demon. Addiction is sad and only the one with it can make the conscience choice to change their behavior. We are left to sit by and watch, talk and try our best to give those we love the incentive to want to change. In the end, it is their choice. When pushed in a corner they may start hiding the addiction even from themselves. The meetings help you come to terms understanding this is not your fault. Nothing you say or do will change the behavior unless the person with the addiction decides…enough. Some of us that live with an addictive person decide to leave the relationship; others stay and ride the tides of life. My friend life is all about choice. My thoughts are with you. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I know it is early but I am so excited to hear about "C" Hope this is the first day of a bran new life. Gives me hope my hubby will follow me to freedom someday. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Hi there non smoker. :) Sounds awesome. I can really relate to your being hooked on exercise the whole fitness thing that follows quitting smoking. I did stay away from workouts over the last few weeks, thus me being up at 3 am feeling as if I was beat up. I jumped back in yesterday to vigorously. My hubby too is smoking still. So much for the promise, he was quitting with me 17 moths ago. He seems to be drinking more than before too. Hummm is that what a quit smoking spouse can do to someone? No,…that is just the nicotine junkie in me looking for a weak point to attempt to lure me back to the smokers embrace. It is not going to work. Been there and I like the freedom that not smoking gives me. As far as Al-Anon not having a religious connection…it does. They follow the same principles as AA a 12-step program. I was involved for years with Al-Anon and my children with Al-Ateen. Their motto…" God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change…Courage to change the things I can…and Wisdom to know the difference." I met many people that were of a non-religious nature that these programs helped very much. Believe what feels comfortable to you; you do not need to change your beliefs or non to become educated on the problems you are facing and a way to help connect with "C". At no meeting I ever attended was religion crammed down anyone's throat. Understanding the flip side of a coin was the issue and how best for you to deal/understand/help someone you love. Heck,…the door swings both ways. If at any time you feel you are being preached to, you can leave. I wish you so much luck…quitting smoking is the best thing I have ever done for myself…wishing those I love would follow is just what you said…them finding the switch that turns on the little light. Congratulations on 218 days you have had of freedom. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Hey there! I'm afraid you're not going to find a great deal of inspiration for quitting smoking in the pages of my diary. I rarely wrote about it here - most of my words ended up on the American Lung Associations Freedom from Smoking message boards and then later at woofmang.com. Someone said I should have saved those novellas but I thought I'd never want to relive those early days and decided against it. So it goes... My partner (Ed) too doesn't smoke in the house. That does help a good deal. At first he tried hard to stay out of eyeline. Overtime that has eroded but it's okay because it's likely less necessary now. As for the journey to quit smoking I can sum it up. It's really hard, then it gets easier and it keeps getting easier. One month is easier than one week; three months is easier than one month; six months is easier than three months; one year is easier than six months... and I'm sure the story goes on from there. I just haven't lived it yet. It's as simple and as difficult as just not smoking in the face of life - which for me requires a belief that life is a beautiful gift worth fighting for - which for me requires that I don't live my life distracted in the grip of addictions. I smoked for about 25 years the last 15 or so likely close to 2 packs a day. I never pay attention to these things. Mostly.. believe in yourself, hold on to your resolve and realize you're terrifically AWESOME and amazing for looking this addiction in the face and kicking proverbial butt! It's not easy but YOU ARE DOING IT!!! As to the Al Anon stuff - you're not alone. There are other people who live with alcoholics, who go through what you are going through and there are ways to deal with this in healthy ways. You can heal - you can't stop her from drinking, but you can recognize how alcohol is affecting your life and develop more healthful ways of responding to it. Al Anon isn't about her drinking.. it's about you. Isn't it sort of cool how when we start to deal with addiction in one part of our lives it gives us the strength and power to see it and deal with it in other parts of our life? I wish you strength.. let me know how THOSE steps are going! Fondly, Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Hey Brian.. I found your diary via Fightn4life (SandyZ's) diary. GREAT JOB on an amazing quit. My partner smokes too (what a friggin' drag.. literally and figuratively.) I stopped a year and some change ago.. more change then years... heh. You might want to check out (if you haven't already) the woofmang.com chat boards (or the American Lung Association Freedom From Smoking online program.) Like SandyZ I found incredible support in the discussion boards too. Oh yeah.. and great job on implementing an exercize regimen. I'm not too overweight - but am trying to lose about 15 pounds (what I gained since I stopped smoking.) What a bear THAT has been. Have you ever considered going to Al Anon? - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
HI Brian, You are doing an awesome job at quitting and replacing the smoke screen with exercise. I got a treadmill with the bonus our work place gave me for kicking butts. I do Yoga, mediation and, the dreaded treadmill to keep my quit strong. It is hard to be called back to smoking when you find you can take those wonderful & powerful breaths. Your diary is fascinating; I kept a journal of my struggles from day one. I was about where you are now when I started my Diary. Zuzu Petals introduced me to this site. Before most of my posting where on talesfromthequit.com where I met so many cyber friends of the quit. I am so glad I found a fellow quitter in Diary Land. I am little by little reading your writings. You have a gift with words. Stay strong and always remember, there is never a good reason to smoke. Nothing will change rather you smoke or not. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Hi Smoke free me...I just joined the smoke free ring. I am looking over your diary and find it fascinating, I was reading your early entries…how interesting for me to be able to relate. I wrote a 500-day ramble in my diary a few weeks ago. The road has been a long one living with my smoking hubby but having my diary to rant in has been a big help. I look forward to reading your diary. Sandyz Free from addiction for One year, four months, two weeks, five days, 23 hours, 2 minutes and 35 seconds. 22948 cigarettes not smoked, saving $3,126.54. Life saved: 11 weeks, 2 days, 16 hours, 20 minutes. We can all do this...one step at a time. :)
from smokefree-me :
Testing, Testing!!

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