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Thanks for your last comment Cannet; I think you nailed it; I have felt that way, for a long, long time--like complicated grief is a disorder or plague. Love you.

from raven72d :

poetry readings... i do miss them. i need to get back into the arts scene here.

from raven72d :

How is September in the Newer England?

from tsulnagrom :

I locked my diary. Username: star Password: wars

from raven72d :

What will May be like in the Newer England?

from raven72d :

Ideas of home and exile and homesickness... Granta or anywhere else, I love those themes.

from raven72d :

Very lovely entries. I did find your diary here at random, and I'm quite taken with your writing.

from panzuda :

can we hang out? in ny or boston?

from saint-erin :

I miss you too! Hope you are having a good holiday and I hope your feeling of us seeing each other soon comes true!!!

from lovaliss :

I was thinking about tag-tucking strangers the other day, and how comforting it is when someone does it to me. I love this post. It's sometimes the smallest actions that can reaffirm and testify to a sense of shared humanity; like we're all in this together, and that at that the root (despite all the horrible things that happen) people are kind and compassionate--aware of each other and empathetic towards each other as if we are family.

from panzuda :

yup! it's a part of an margaret lanterman introduction.

from panzuda :

"this is the pitch i chew" is not my line! i want you to know.

from saint-erin :

I also wish we resided in the same city. I imagine us having good heart to hearts which is something I am lacking right now. Sometimes I worry that my diary is too personal and then I'll get a nice note from you and it'll make me feel better. I think you are pretty great.

from raven72d :

Very intriguing entries.

from bethandbeth :

I only just now noticed that you flood me with notes. Your words and dreams are cinematic. I love you over the miles and miles.

from weknowweknow :

I was just catching up on diaryland. I don't know if you really want to move or not, but I'm going to add invitation to Hannah's (as she said she's mentioned it). She said you have a really good support network there, but if you want to be anonymous I can introduce you to so many wonderful people here who would love you. They all dance at '80s night every Thursday like it's a religion. I never danced until I moved here (besides in apartments :)), and those nights have been cathartic. People are very real here and that might be nice for the space you might be feeling right now. I'm also in a Dungeons and Dragons group that has had a surprising effect on reality. I don't know if you are or would be into that, but... I'm throwing out anything that might add to an anonymous summer if you want it. Pittsburgh is also a brunch town. So many wonderful Sunday mornings, and the ones in the park go all day with people basking in companionship away from hurt (I say that because I have two friends here as well going through very fraught relationship breaks right now). And also there is pinball here, which the friend who got me into it described "the comfort of having something to stare into". Pittsburgh is such a place to quietly explore and discover. It is a city that offers treasure in it's trauma, i.e. a friend and I decided to go throw glass because emotions were so high such that breaking something fragile that way was the only appropriate response. We never threw the glass, because we found a sacred abandoned warehouse instead. The city might be able to give you that too. I hope there is no pressure in this offer, but I wanted to throw it out there, should it be something that you might need. I could maybe even get you a part time job at the library if you wanted. You are wonderful. Throwing it out there.

from panzuda :

move to new york? i don't really want to encourage you to do that..i just want to hang out.

from panzuda :

sending good vibrations your way

from panzuda :

blergh.

from panzuda :

NERUDA! don't feel weird.

from tsulnagrom :

I loved that quote. It made my day.

from panzuda :

it means big bellied in spanish

from emotionalist :

there's no stability to feelings

from lostasyou :

I've just been reading and I'm adding you to my list if you don't mind, x

from weknowweknow :

Wanna hear something crazy? I had no idea this was your diary. Is it cool if I add it? Someone who I think is a stranger added me, and you were in their list. I connected a few long over due dots (with some help), and voila....crazy connection. I've missed you over the time I've missed you. No joke you've come up twice this week to new people I've met in Pittsburgh--I was describing you as the best storyteller I know. The universe is pointing me to this note. Reconnect time? Your diary indicates hard times. I'm so so sorry. You are one of the most beautiful humans I know. It's hard to comprehend what you've been handed. If you are wondering who THIS stranger is wanting to add you, hint=G.D. (And it's not Gosh Dangit.)

from tsulnagrom :

I'm really sorry to hear all of this. That sounds horrible and like you're trapped. Great writing.

from saint-erin :

I hope everything is ok and that everything will be golden yellow for you soon. I enjoy your diary.

from panzuda :

i love you

from whitepants :

YOUR internet diary...wish I could edit that.

from whitepants :

I read you internet diary. Religiously.

from panzuda :

you chopped the yard

from panzuda :

i want to get a tattoo on the inside of my bicep (near the elbow) of the outline of a mountain with a cmy/rgb color wheel over it. the tattoo artist hated it and wanted to do a tribal version.

from panzuda :

thanks for the anniversary shout out!

from thegorbott :

i like this last one

from saint-erin :

Thanks for the note! I am ok. Our house was smashed in the hurricane but the insurance company is taking care of everything. It was a crazy month for sure. I moved back to Utah and am now living with my sister in Pleasant Grove. It's really fun. How are you?!

from bethandbeth :

I only just realized you had sent me notes. You are my beanstalk and I miss all your wishes. We should write letters.

from whitepants :

Whereas I have been obsessed with genitalia jokes lately in a TOTALLY childish way.

from permeation :

my husband is english - i moved here a little over 3 years ago - from texas. i miss the south quite badly these days...

from permeation :

i used to listen to avail ALL the time. & now it's been years since i have. your entry has made me dig out their stuff.

from panzuda :

we just saw son of rambow and i kept thinking that the french kid could have been your lovely brother.

from panzuda :

oh girl!

from whitepants :

Pretty ambitious. Mine are "1) write and 2) have so much fun!"

from panzuda :

olive oil baby

from kindbegger :

hmm... i don't really sing that much anymore, but i used to be in musicals when i was younger? but i guess that doesn't mean i am GOOD at singing...

from panzuda :

our husbands could be generals on opposing sides! we could photoshoot it. updated with our visions!

from panzuda :

i reeeeeaalllly want to encourage you to write more in all of your blogs! seriously!!

from whitepants :

Is that meowing to "Zombie?" Also, I sing songs in meows all the time...and I don't even have a cat to blame.

from panzuda :

cate is so great! you are so so great! we should all go to grad school and talk about art and love and books and food and colors together.

from saint-erin :

Just wanted you to know that I tink you are soo cool!

from panzuda :

antony and the johnsons references!! we will see/listen to marry me on monday night! i will think of you/me/us then.

from whitepants :

You have a new kitty? Who are all those people? Is the kitty a metaphor too?

from bethandbeth :

Love? Oh dear. I fear I've been terribly misconstrued. Hey big eyes, I need to see you for longer than five minutes some time.

from panzuda :

i check out this blog called face hunter that has great pictures of european street fashion. true.

from panzuda :

you are one of the very best. we are moving down to provo and what do you say you and me spend six months training for a marathon of epic twin/no-twin scope?

from whitepants :

You can have/borrow my bike. It might have a flat...it's in the garage still at 1000 E house. It is black with red and white detailing.

from cannet :

i bet you wish someone would leave you a note

from cannet :

i bet you wish someone would leave you a note

from hold-it :

I need to see this episode!

from miobravo :

you can be a tequila girl! you have got connections! i know real tequila girls, and they are nice and pretty. just like you!

from kindbegger :

i'm not THAT mysterious...

from jpop :

i am going to send it to TAL, so that i may be the greatest short short fiction author ever!

from bethandbeth :

I might have to work until the cows come home...but I'm on call so I don't know yet..so pencil me (but don't pen) me in. In other news, I have a new phone number, dear. 801-362-8104

from bethandbeth :

i miss your hair, sweet doll.

from reno-dakota :

i hear you're married...congrats!

from thegorbott :

pmsd: post mission stress disorder.

from lovaliss :

This is concerning...those women are w-e-i-r-d!

from pan-opticon :

That is nuts. What's all this UTI nonsense? I especially liked the part where someone said "bring towels because there'll be blood". Yeah, and the wife who brought her husband to a baseball game because HE was disappointed that she got a UTI? Someone stop the insanity.

from lovaliss :

Here is more detail:On Ben Folds Live, Folds explained: "People ask me what this song's about... I was asked about it a lot, and I didn't really wanna make a big hairy deal out of it, because I just wanted the song to speak for itself. But the song is about when I was in high school, me and my girlfriend had to get an abortion, and it was a very sad thing. And, I didn't really want to write this song from any kind of political standpoint, or make a statement. I just wanted to reflect what it feels like. So, anyone who's gone through that before, then you'll know what the song's about."

from rawbeanage :

I have a fear of getting pregnant off of a toilet seat, and my friends all think I'm insane.

from whitepants :

Oh crap...I think the can opener is still in my bedroom! *I* am the worst roommate in the world!!!

from darthuae :

have you ever read "christine" ? *shivers* now that was something..

from paperfriend :

i am not afraid of vaginas

from whitepants :

I will be sleeping in your bed this week--not because I need the space...but because I will miss you!

from jpop :

are you and quinn still an item? if you are not i am really sorry for this question.

from jpop :

aye, i do. but life is not too bad these days you know? people seem to be doing a lot better i think. i am doing good, and you are too (i think, right?) so things are pretty good you know?

from adelie :

hey! I just found out they have a place for the show! I am relieved! Thanks for responding, all is well. I hope things are going well. It is cool that you go to the temple. I really like that place.

from adelie :

Hey, do you think your house would want to host a show by the dude/sometimes dudes known as Golden Shoulders? On October 10th? I'm going to be out of town, so I'm trying to hook this super nice dude out. Have you heard it before? Pretty folk music. Let me know if you guys are interested. Remember when we had a heart-to-heart in your kitchen? I really liked that.

from hold-it :

duh. change wedding dress for the second ipod

from hold-it :

an ipod will definitely get more use out of it than an ipod

from whitepants :

I always thought it was offensive! I am glad someone else agrees (besides Spencer).

from hold-it :

i kind of agree...but i think it's funny in a weird- i am desensitized kind of way?

from jpop :

there is a website where you will be able to see it soon, www.zuriick.com, but it is not fully up yet. i am not sure when it will.

from automatos :

We are friends. :) But I'm moving to California... Good-bye my lovely BYU. Do you want an invitation? Send me your address. My e-mail is [email protected].

from automatos :

Yes! Thank you. I hear you're getting married too... or are you already? Are you still going to be going to BYU?

from hold-it :

i miss you too! that jamie jones character sounds like a dream come true! i don't think you switch that hard. don't get an episiotomy! it is better to tear if you have to. have a baby at home.

from rawbeanage :

thanks! your diary's one of my favorites.

from msea :

The sex parts in Munich were strange. I liked that it emphasized how those violent events/images affected the character, but it was still strange.

from hold-it :

you're wrong. it is! ALWAYS!

from paperfriend :

i noticed in a note to quinn you were saying boon and bane. is this a joke between you two? because that used to be a big joke of mine!!!!

from suffa-kate :

thank you so much...for so much. your pages are so great. ps, how do you make different formats for your page? i'm stuck with boring blue.

from pan-opticon :

User:fly password:casual I can't even remember why I locked it, but I'm sure I had a reason... OPEN SESAME

from suffa-kate :

so you think quin is a better dresser than me? jk. i think he is too. You two are mostly all i read anymore.

from suffa-kate :

i love this last one. i don't really know the background but i love it.

from thegorbott :

i dont understand what your note meant! i hope it was a compliment! was it ever <i>on</i> the heezy?

from pan-opticon :

Hi. Randomly stumbled across you diary. Thought it was kind of neat.

from paperfriend :

that is a good idea, except the thing is, when i get married i am going to take my wife's first name as my last name.

from paperfriend :

what did jefferson do to make you cry? once when i lived in the dorms i was a family home evening group dad and made one of the girls cry by some joke i made. i can't remember at all what it was though.

from paperfriend :

courtney i am sorry. i really do not mean to offend anyone and i am sorry that i make you cringe. i really am. i do not wish to be derogatory in anyway about people's beliefs, i just try hard to write my thoughts and feelings as sincerely as i can...hmmm, i will try and be more respectful, but i also want to remain honest. about my composite dream girl... i am not sure if i am ready to reveal that just yet, but maybe i am! you should guess and i will tell you if you are right or wrong. i would love to know your secret!

from jpop :

you are getting married!!!?!!!! i am so happy, i am almost going to cry. no joke! i think i am also goint to cry cause i am sad that i am not getting married. but someday!

from kindbegger :

who are you talking about in your last entry when you said "now they are dating". texting!

from hold-it :

i'll teach you spanich as soon you come back to me courtney baby!

from msea :

I don't think it's that weird to think about, and I have, too. It�s perplexing, at least, or at best, which I can't decide. I usually move past the possible psychological/objectivist implications after I�ve realized that the question of a fictional character's rape doesn't warrant so much of my attention right now. What do I care? I'm getting married in like 32 hours! What?!!! This is so cool!

from kindbegger :

this is going to be super embarrassing, but i'll say it anyway... scott larson dekafuck and i have admitted that he and i are like franny and zooey. see, i knew that was going to be embarrassing. thank you so much for reading my entries. at least i think you do. it feels good to know that at least one person can stomach my entries.

from panzuda :

x=kisssss (which i do all the time) and o=hug (which is how i sleep with edan)

from kindbegger :

the pea green cloth-bound book is/was "the way of a pilgrim".

from hold-it :

i hope things are alright. do call me? even though we have boys..

from panzuda :

many of those are my favorite foods as well.

from msea :

i love your sweet southern grandmother

from panzuda :

i am also o positive

from msea :

if you were here right now I would say, "hey, let's go get some lunch!, I'm hungry, how about you?" ...even though I'm not all that hungry right right right now. But, maybe by the time we got to palace caf� I would be? and I could listen, listen and listen and talk and talk about how excited excited excited I am to get married and how rich i feel because of it and how i think rich is a rather elementary, unfitting but fitting word to describe how i feel.

from kindbegger :

no YOU have a bitchin' summer, courtney. supreme court. the court of my eye. the eye of my court. and so forth.

from jpop :

your comment of jj quick is so funny!

from automatos :

Thanks. :) I actually deleted the reason for locking it. I put it somewhere else.

from msea :

You can figure things out! We can figure things out! We can be great! We are great!

from suffa-kate :

i don't know maybe it's none of my business, maybe i'm not suppossed to know. i don't know if i care anymore.

from panzuda :

is iggy my ziggy?

from hold-it :

for some reason we have peeps at my house...something tells me tess and i aren't going to eat them.

from suffa-kate :

nah, i just wrote it on impulse, it comes out better that way. (sometimes). hope its not weird but i read yours alot. i think it's so good

from gigihodges :

but how do you pin a cloud to the ground?

from gigihodges :

if you feel dumb for beind sad then you would think me the biggest idiot in the whole wide world. i have never been so depressed and unstable and sad and unmotivated. misery loves company. i like you. dont be sad. even though i know it is fun to be sometimes...sometimes not.

from msea :

Hits to the face are painful, but i'm glad that i had the experience of being punched in the mouth. Getting the your teeth messed up is the worst part. The holes in your lips or cheeks aren't so bad.

from automatos :

Yeah. I don't know for how long. We'll see.

from gigihodges :

actually there are no spaces in the password. it is just thedeathofadiscodancer.

from gigihodges :

to get to my diary the username is "gigihodges" and my password is "the death of a disco dancer" (with spaces).i really dont care if others read this bc it is just one person i am blocking out. and not for selfish reasons either.

from thegorbott :

i think i may start writing in here once again

from gigihodges :

so what's your story? very generic question in know. but did you move out there for a boy? or sort of? its okay if you did. i did that. and now i love that place and hate that place.

from gigihodges :

you i am obsessed with. i would like to visit dc sometime. and though we dont know each other i think we would have a lovely and scarily fashionable time. we could wear iceskater pants and nude hose and dump lava on the graves of our enemies.

from suffa-kate :

george cloony swoony. great.

from msea :

hanky panky

from jpop :

cannet are you ever going to move back to provo? how are things in VA (or VG, i am not sure i will check right now! it is VA). what is up? what is going on? i am not too sure with whats going on, but i was curious what was going on with you.

from chuckduck :

there's no rhyme or reason really, it started as just a secret, and then people found out about it, but i just keep this one a little more vauge(?) vague(?) vage(?) ...in all honesty it used to seriously be a nickname.

from cdghost :

enjoyed your words

from paperfriend :

even though in my head i imagined the paper, i didn't really suspect quinn was reading the newspaper. you play darts in bed?

from paperfriend :

it was anyone else i would not have clarified that i meant not sexually, but a couple times in conversing with you, i have been speaking of something not at all sexual, and you thought it was sexual!!!!

from paperfriend :

not sexually lying in bed. i imagine it as my bed, which is a full. i just imagine quinn reading a paper, and you are just sitting there. is that what is happening most of the time?

from paperfriend :

.what sort of things do you and quinn do together? whenever i picture the two of you, the only thing that appears in my mind, is the two of you lying in bed.

from chuckduck :

hey court, it's mikey..i have another one. miss the hell out of you.

from panzuda :

cater2u destiny's child some spooky arcade fire song on this mix cd a boy gave kari

from kindbegger :

i like your diary. AHHHHHH SHHHHIIIIITTTTT. i said that once before. whatev.

from gigihodges :

i am so glad i can always count on you to update...when i log on every five minutes i think..."please let me see red"

from gigihodges :

i love your diaries bc i feel like we are so much alike. generic thing to say i know. today i was walking and thinking "self, i wonder if she knows how much i think of her randomly (in the least stalkeresque way possible)." and then i thought "self, she is so cool and nice, become better friends with he and tell her you care". so....i care.

from panzuda :

we should have been roommates at least once.

from msea :

funny, iggy pop told me the exact same thing but he added, "duh, my veins are always popping out of my neck and my eyes are hella weird"

from passthison :

i saw iggy pop about three weeks ago. he was all like 'duhh...i am always rockin out and takin my shirt off.."

from paperfriend :

probably not, since she never even wrote me back on myspace.

from paperfriend :

is it your little sister who i am in love with? i understand exactly what you are saying about swearing. i have never much cared for swearing. although i am not offended by it. just that many of the swearers i have known are unsavory. but the past few years, having friends who are cool and swear, has softened my heart somewhat towards swearing. but i have a genearaly aversion towards any sort of slang. mostly because it feels like when people use it, they are not thinking much about what they are saying. but i have never been bothered by your cussing. and i do enjoy a little cussing, because it makes a person not seem like a prude.

from paperfriend :

that is interesting that you have developed some distaste for swearing. have you developed a similar aversion to other things, or just cuss words? who is the diary named imprenable?

from hold-it :

which is it?

from passthison :

you are my girl!

from chrisalmond :

my guest lecturere talking about movies with naked people gave you a lot to think about?

from jpop :

you know, just life and all

from automatos :

Hi. I love your roommates. -C.Bardin

from jpop :

i am not there anymore, i got back on sunday. but i will probably go there sometime in march, and you can come then!!!!

from msea :

why drew danburry and elizabeth?

from hold-it :

we are going to be amazing. W, Vogue, Bazaar, Nylon, Another Magazine, Interview, Anthem, French... HERE WE COME!

from gigihodges :

who is this? who who who? i ate up your diaries in a quick qulp and the burps and aftertaste where delicious. tell me your secret. tell me your name.

from hold-it :

don't cry. betty boopsy will come visit you as soon as she can. and call you every minute if that's what it takes. i really love that you memorized that. i like it a lot.

from automatos :

I like you. I like your roommates too... I've only met one though.

from kindbegger :

oh yes, and my mom picked jeff, jefferson, chad (kind of), jordan, and baby chris. my address is 31 s. 300 e. provo 84606

from wasgood :

if you see me on the street just wave your hand hello

from kindbegger :

good! you finally turned your notes on. i love your diary.

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