messages to lostasyou:
(click here to add new message):

from rosewrites :
also, what's the magic word? :) xoxox
from rosewrites :
hey, i remember you! how are you? i just read a note you wrote for me ages ago and i wondered if i had replied or not, or if i'd even read it before!! i don't know. anyway just thought i'd say hi, and i hope you're well! much love x
from aryssa90 :
Hope you're doing well <3
from julymalaise :
Hope you are doing good, love!
from jarofporter :
glad you posted, was about to start asking around about you! i had the same issue with suicide, constantly thinking about it, but never could be arsed to do anything about it. i finally decided that it's not up to me whether i stick around, if i'm meant to go, the universe will take me, if not, i must still be here for a reason. (no idea what that reason might be, but i'm sure i'll find out eventually, you know?) hang in there...
from julymalaise :
I hope you are doing good. How are you?
from julymalaise :
Keep fighting love! I used to have WhatsApp, but if you like, you can add me on FB. Just give me an email and I'll send you my FB link
from lollirottt :
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel even a little bit better. You can always leave me a note or send an email if you need to. Keep fighting. <3
from raven72d :
Passed away? What happened? She had a daughter starting at Cambridge, I think--- and she and I had talked about whiskeys and Welsh distilleries not so very long ago. That's awful!
from raven72d :
The Poison Ivy photo was lovely, by the way.
from raven72d :
What happened to StepfordTart? I'm almost afraid to ask... She's been out of touch for a couple of months.
from raven72d :
May I get your p/w to read along?
from lollirottt :
You need to update more often damn it!!!
from fridayfilms :
Saw this and it made me think of you for some reason: http://m.kdge.iheart.com/onair/jessie-976/the-greatest-pencil-sharpener-ever-12497768/ Hope you're okay x
from lollirottt :
I've sent you a couple emails.
from cloudy-night :
I'm happy someone can relate to me. I hope I have a chance to read your thoughts in the future.
from lollirottt :
Sent you an email forever ago and never got a reply. Hope you're doing OK.
from lanienaked :
hey i just sent you an email with my number for whatsapp... i think that your drinking is probably healthier than the bulimia actually... the long term effects from all the acid when you throw up is quite harsh... on the bright side - I WOULD TOTALLY WATCH YOU ON TWITCH (that sounded so stalkerish) what games do you watch on twitch? ... maybe continue this conversation over whatsapp...... :)
from lollirottt :
I really have no idea wtf is going on with me. I couldn't go to the hospital yesterday so I have to go today. I'm freaked out. Thanks for asking. You need to update soon damn it. ;)
from raven72d :
I've lost your p/w--- may I get it from you again?
from raven72d :
Excellent.
from raven72d :
13 March 16--- I hope you'll update soon.
from lanienaked :
I was never in doubt of Derren Brown actually. I knew people like him existed, but he was just so exceptionally good, probably the best at what he does. I think he as a person speaks great volumes about people's behavior. I'm in such awe of him really. I'd love to see his shows one day, when I make it to the UK, and hopefully he's still doing shows then. Have you ever seen his TV shows? There's one episode of Trick or Treat where he has a woman play piano for the first time to an audience.... whenever I think about the episode, it makes me sad that that wasn't me! I've got whatsapp if you wanted to chat on that.
from lollirottt :
I'd like to read your diary. can I have the user/pw? If that's OK with you let me know and I'll give you my email address. :)
from lanienaked :
lol sorry i had not been around for almost half a year... just finished getting caught up with your entires, and wanted to drop a line that i'm so jealous that you're seeing derren brown! i'm utterly green with envy. maybe one of these days if i make the time (along with everything else that's on my to do list) we can have a nice chat? :) but seems like you're doing well recently at least, hope that continues
from jarofporter :
good to see a post from you again, was beginning to wonder - glad the Alex thing seems to be working out too!
from julymalaise :
Just know that I will always be there for you and that if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I want you t get better, things get better in life. Please get well !
from julymalaise :
Dear lostasyou, I just read your latest entry and it really worried me. I think you should tell somebody that you overdosed on painkillers. If you are not feeling well, I think you should go to the hospital and try to get better. I can't speak for you and can't imagine the struggles that you go through, but I'm here for you like I always said in the notes below. If you need an ear, email me! please, I encourage you! If you need to talk about something, please email me! I do not like to see my friends in this destructive path. Recognize that it is never too late to change and to be happy with life. The beautiful thing about life is that there are many times and opportunity to change life to our favor and if that involves changes a few things in life, it will worth it in the long run. Just know we care for you here in D-land. We want you to be okay.
from loveherwell :
it sounds like you've gotten your head on straight about this one. after all you've been through this year, it sounds like you deserve some kind of break.
from manvsdevil :
Don't keep it in too long, sharing is caring after all =p
from manvsdevil :
You write honestly, fearlessly and you've kept it up and in my mind that equals integrity. Me hat's off to you!
from lanienaked :
Hey still reading just very behind, haven't even had a chance to update my own diary.... But the more I read your stuff lately, the more I feel like we would get along, I am also cynical and a big misanthrope, we should chat sometimes, too bad I live too far away for a drink :p
from manvsdevil :
I resolved myself to read your next entry in one sitting and then you go and write THE BEST AND MOST EPIC entry ever. Love your work Kelly 8)
from kelsi :
It's not about wanting to be a writer - you *are* a writer, whether you want to be or not. Even if you don't write, you'll still be a writer, but you'll be an unfulfilled writer. So, write. Also, what about buying a ukulele?
from happyone :
Yeah, it's always worth a try! You seem to have a pretty good following on here and on other social media sites. You know, you could...DUN DUN DUN...open this diary up to the public to gain more followers and earn more $$ with AdSense. Of course, that is a completely personal decision that is totally up to you! Or, you could start a totally new blog that's tailored to being shown to the public, in case you don't want them to know everything that's in here. Just some ideas! I'll keep reading whatever you decide to do! :)
from happyone :
I'm always glad to see when you have posted an entry, Kelly! You really are a great writer and I believe you could be one. You seem to have a good internet following, too, so maybe you should look into Google AdSense...I read about this girl becoming rich from her blog using it. I don't know all the details about it, but you basically get paid to host certain ads on your blog (and you get a say on what kinds of ads, how big they are, where they go on your page, etc.). Since you already have a lot of followers, it might be something worthwhile to you! If you want to know more, here's a link about Google Adsense: https://support.google.com/adsense/answer/6242051?hl=en&ref_topic=1319753 Cheers! 😎
from jarofporter :
may seem odd, (and sorry if it sounds patronising), but i'm kinda proud of you for the cardigan-3/4 sleeve thing. big step towards accepting who you are, impressive! sorry about the dating stuff, but that's kinda typical of life, ain't it? good to see ya post again! btw, i was checking your instagram feed - do you ever actually smile? ya know, with teeth showing? don't think i've seen one yet!? ;-)
from jarofporter :
hey, you still kickin' around out there?
from lanienaked :
hey just letting you know that i'm still reading. i could never miss out on the adventures of kelly, my fave cunt to read. particularly interesting entry this time. pls do tell us all about it if you hook up with a girl.
from jarofporter :
hey! i'm still reading! you just don't update very often. sounds like things are leveling off into "good" territory, eh? glad to see it!
from raven72d :
I hope the spring begins well for you. '80s bars are always good--- I'm a great fan of New Wave and post-punk and synth pop. And--- no more hospital trips. That's a good thing.
from raven72d :
I'll go take a look for the key! Thanks!
from anarchrist7 :
I would like to see what u have to say, if ur ok with that? I've been writing on Diaryland 4 forever and a half, but never used it as a social thing, and honestly I dunno if there was another way to msg u that u meant? lol
from raven72d :
Are you back? Notes are back up...but I lost your p/w...
from jarofporter :
notes are back on! so where are you!? you should update!
from manvsdevil :
So your sister's salon is doing better cause your not there or because it's Christmas rush time? Mail her a resin cast of your middle finger :D
from julymalaise :
Kelly, your entry was scary! I'm glad you are okay though! I'm sorry you've been going through that type of pain and I'm sorry you are having those thoughts. if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. I'm serious. I am glad that you are okay and fine now. stay strong.
from loveherwell :
ohhhh, kelly. i am so glad you're still okay.
from raven72d :
I always buy a few spare pairs of cheap drugstore glasses just in case I end up breaking things.
from raven72d :
24 Oct 14... How are the new glasses?
from raven72d :
Two more days, then there'll be time to myself.
from raven72d :
Well, tomorrow is Wednesday 15 Oct 14, and it's...midweek. Doing okay. But I so want it to be Friday... I need the weekend--- sleep, read, drink.
from raven72d :
how is your weekend beginning?
from julymalaise :
What a lovely journal entry about your friend's funeral. It seemed like a beautiful procession and I'm sure he would've greatly appreciate the ceremony placed for him. I'm glad you lit a white candle for him, so that why he can find his way home...
from loveherwell :
i'm so sorry for your loss--but that funeral was incredibly lovely.
from aryssa90 :
sure thing! Just email me-holdhandsnskip3@yahoo
from julymalaise :
That's good he is. What a terrible fate for the girl and the baby. And you're welcome!
from raven72d :
Very sorry to hear about your friend.
from raven72d :
Just e-mailed you about the password.
from raven72d :
And I hope you'll send me a p/w so that I can read along with you.
from raven72d :
Please, do feel free to add me.
from julymalaise :
That's terrible what happened to your classmate! How awful, did her boyfriend get charged? How horrible. And don't feel guilty about being sad, it's natural to feel sad and mourn the loss of someone who were or once close with. And I understand you on how you wished you talked to him more, but sometimes that happens to the best of friends, but it does open your eyes on how friendship is important and how we must all be close and not hold anything against somebody because of a past tiff. Life is shirt and we never know what is in stpre for us and that's why we should keep it in our best interests to forgive others and make efforts to stay in touch with old friends. I'm glad you are getting in touch with old friends during this ordeal, even if it might seem awkward, it will be worth it and your friendships will grow stronger than ever before. Thank you, I miss those friends and classmates. I often think about them from time to time and just think how crazy it was that they are gone and often wonder what woul'vee become of them if they never left...it's sad. You have every right to be sad and you gave your friend beautiful memories, never forget that. You were his childhood friend and that's pretty special. You'll never forget a childhood friend and I'm pretty sure that wherever he is, he is thinking of you. Even if you drifted apart later on, you were still part of his life and that is all that matters...
from julymalaise :
Aww, don't cry, lovely! I get what you mean. You never expect the young to die. The first time I experience a young death was a classmate I used to talk to in middle school when I was thirteen We weren't close, but he was good friends with my best friend at the time. He got hit by a trolley and it was the first time I came to terms that young people died, so I get what you are saying when it brings you to reality. When I lost my friend to cancer, I was so shocked. It comes so unexpected when you hear of a good friend dying. It is always shocking when somebody dies, but I feel like it's more real when it is someone young and someone who had a great heart. (Why do the good die young?) It just goes to show we must always cherish the ones we are close with because we never know what will happen tommorrow...
from julymalaise :
I'm sorry to hear about your friend,Matt. It's always sad when a person dies so young. I had a friend who died of cancer and she was only twenty (The anniversary of her death is coming up, actually.) She has been gone for two years now. I had a guy best friend growing up as well and even though we drifted apart, I would be devastated if anything happened to them. Just know that you had great memories with and that you were a good friend to him during his childhood. Think of the good memories. It hurts losing a dear friend. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, as well as your friend. Stay strong, doll.
from jarofporter :
remember, there is no right or wrong decision, each choice will leave you with a different outcome, and then you learn from that. make the best choices you can, but don't dwell, ya know?
from loveherwell :
girllllll i wish i knew how to do my eye makeup like yours! it always looks so awesome.
from manvsdevil :
Hope you're well... get to bed :p
from lanienaked :
oh good!! i'm so glad. you'll have to report what he said/how he reacted.
from lanienaked :
dump*
from lanienaked :
ha! you should just dumb him! no need for this guilt you're feeling. we both know he doesn't deserve it.
from newschick :
heya. i've never struggled with alcohol, but i had an eating disorder (basically an addiction) that took about 10 years of my life from me. i know how frustrating all the comments can be. my favorites were 'just eat', 'how can you have issues with food, i love food!', 'get over yourself', and 'you must really, really want attention'. none of those comments EVER helped me at all, just like the comments you're getting aren't helping you. all that said... i eventually figured out that the answer was simple...but arriving to the actual reality of that answer was a dif story. i realized that i was never going to get better until i decided the answer to 'do i want to live or die from this?' the easier answer is death (not living is essentially dying, in my opinion). death is comforting because it's familiar. you don't have to change. people choose it every day. i chose it for a long time, mostly because i didn't feel worthy of life. and the little part of me that did was squashed by fear. the harder answer is live, because you will then face a very scary road of uncertainty and fear. you're going to have to do things that make you very, very uncomfortable. your latest entry shows just how uncomfortable you are with sobriety (the exact feelings i felt at large gatherings with food), but it's the only way you're going to live. no one can do this for you. you have to do it yourself. that's why it's so hard, daunting, and scary. but you're SMART and i know you know there's a better life out there for you. that's pretty much what made me choose life, even though i had zero concept of how i was going to get there. i just knew my path was going to kill me, and suddenly that didn't feel like the best way to go. maybe your first step would be to think about this question, and see where that takes you... and if you've already done this before, maybe just try it again. it took me years to finally find an answer to that question. xoxo
from jarofporter :
i have one question for you (and i'm not being a smart-ass at all) - what are you hiding from? internally, i mean? figure that out, and you'll have a good chance of getting control of yourself and your drinking. be strong, i know you can do this!
from jarofporter :
"find a way to stop feeling so low in the first place".. omg, doesn't that just irritate the shit out of you!? fucking morons - if i could stop, i wouldn't need help would i? ugh. i'll say this though... with me, most of my depression comes from internal conflict of emotions. i find i feel better when i figure out what the conflict is, and make peace with it. can you look inside yourself with honesty and find out which emotional conflict is keeping you from being at ease with yourself? this is always my first step. stay strong, and i'll be sending you positive energy!
from happyone :
2.5.14 I have now read your entire journal and feel weird that I now have to wait for you to post entries! By the way, would you be totally weirded out if I added you on Fb? Don't ask how I found you on there...omg I sound like a psycho
from newschick :
user/pw? newschick78 at gmail dot com
from jarofporter :
you can't control other people's actions, but you *can* stand up for yourself by following your original plan of not going back there. you don't have to take that kind of petty treatment. btw, not going back there again is exactly what i would do.
from jarofporter :
always, *always*, write your entry in word pad or another program, then copy/paste! i got so tired of losing them to the d-land gremlin!
from happyone :
But oh yeah, as for the dream...you and "boyo" and I were at some house. I don't know how it all happened, but it ended with your red headed self being stabbed and bleeding in the shower, a la Psycho. I don't know who stabbed you! Sorry, that's pretty terrible.
from happyone :
12.26.13 @ 4:27 pm A combination of things make your diary interesting to read. You've definitely had interesting things happen to you, so you had plenty to write about (unlike me and my dreadfully boring life so far). You're also an EXCELLENT writer, I hope you know! Most people are horrible with spelling and grammar, but you're spot on. You also wrote almost every day, so your diary reads like a book. I have to sometimes remind myself that these are real people, not characters! Haha
from happyone :
12.26.13 @ 4:07 pm (sorry, I hate that these things don't have dates on them). I'll have you know I've been obsessively reading your diary almost every day. I've been a fan for a while, but I only just recently started reading your diary from the beginning. I've been reading it so much that I actually dreamed about you last night! I know that sounds totally weird and wrong coming from a stranger, but oh well. Your obsession with horrors also showed up in the dream...it was quite bloody and scary! Ha what an impact!
from bedbunny :
I cried when I found out you locked your diary.
from aryssa90 :
hey! did you change your password? for some reason its not letting me log on!
from jarofporter :
good to see another post, and glad everything's going so well!
from julymalaise :
Hey, you are welcome and thanks for informing and keeping me up to date! Thatt's good that you guys will be going together because you'll support yourselves that way. I sent you an password to my diary via email by the way!
from stepfordtart :
Umm....your comments isnt working! s x
from jarofporter :
hey! you still around?
from happyone :
I'm sorry to hear about Socks. You really did do the right thing, though, putting her out of her misery. I had a cat for 12 years and even though he got lung cancer, lost a bunch of weight, wouldn't eat, and panted all the time, I couldn't bear to put him to sleep, so he ended up literally suffocating to death. It was the most horrible thing ever, and even though he died 3 years ago, I still feel so terrible that I let him suffer like that. By the way, read this: http://rainbowsbridge.com/poem.htm
from loveherwell :
i'm so, so sorry about your pup. that's just terrible. sending well wishes your way.
from jarofporter :
really sorry to hear about your pup. my little girl cat had cancer & i had to make the same choice. i know what you're going through, thoughts are with you & your family.
from stepfordtart :
Hello dear! I lost your password (again!). Can you email it to me at stepfordtart@outlook.com Thanks everso. s x
from jarofporter :
It'll stop eventually, no doubt, and look... you do what's right for you, and fuck the rest of the world if they don't understand, ya know? BTW, I booked my flight to Germany & England, and was wondering if you'd like to meet for a coffee or lunch while I'm in town? I'm going to be visiting Stepfie the week of Oct. 5th or so, and i thought it would be cool to meet you too. No sweat if you'd rather not, I just thought I'd mention it! :-)
from alwayshiding :
and since i dont have my current email linked to this site, my addy is jelywhite@gmail.com
from alwayshiding :
aha wow, i'm flattered you searched for me. its been almost 2yrs since ive logged back on, so i have no idea when you left a note. however, when my life leaves me with so many words and emotions swarming through my head that i can't make sense of shit, i navigate back here. so i will be updating soon, and i do hope you email me your password so i can read yours as well. hope all is well!
from jarofporter :
things are looking up, eh? nice!
from jarofporter :
if you're shy, tell him about it, if you're nervous a bout getting physical without a few drinks, tell him - as a normal, non-asshole guy (no wise cracks, damnit!) i really think it's cute/endearing/attractive if a girl tells me i make her nervous/shy. it's a great compliment to me, and i don't have to wonder what's going on in her mind, which sets us both at ease, and makes things that much better! and don't ever let anyone make you think you don't belong somewhere/with someone. you belong anywhere you choose to be. it's your life, you create it, make it what you want! best of luck with the guy! (and yes, i did read the whole entry!!)
from jarofporter :
He'll like you, because behind all that "hiding" you do, you're a sweet girl! All that socializing you do when drinking? It's your natural state, you (same as me) just won't let your mind get out of the way, so you can just be you. Don't be nervous, be yourself - things will be fine!
from happyone :
hahaha, I love how you get emotional at the end of Jurassic Park when the T-Rex has his "moment" with the falling tape and the whole bit. I'm the same way!
from happyone :
Hey, I'd like to keep reading your diary. My email is ashleynm88@gmail.com :D
from monstrathart :
hi. apparently i dont get any notification when i get notes here..you know whats crazy..i just found loveherwell's other diary today and i love it and you guys seem to know each other..small world. can you email me password? cryingtree1979@yahoo.com. thanks.
from loveherwell :
i'm sorry, kelly :(
from jarofporter :
not sure if it was intentional, but i didn't have to put a password in when i opened the link for your journal. might want to check password settings!?
from jarofporter :
just wondering how you're doing, hoping all's well enough. give us an update if you can, i imagine there are a lot of us who want to know you're ok.
from loveherwell :
ohhhhh, kelly. i am really, really glad you're okay. sincerely.
from aryssa90 :
hey! I'm glad you're home and you're mostly okay. I think it's normal that you're feeling as if you want to be with Dan all the time now, you're probably still kind of scared and feeling vulnerable and you want the comfort he offers you. But, I really am glad you're better, thank you for updating so quickly. Also, did you get rid of your comment box or is my computer just being crappy?
from diary--user :
Hey, I'd love to keep reading, if you could email me diary.user@gmail.com
from fridayfilms :
Me too, please. j.mehlmann.wicks @ gmail.com
from fairybones :
i don't get on diaryland much these days, but i do still like to check in on my favourite people when i can, so i would like a password from you if you wouldn't mind. my email is dearestleigh @ gmail.com <3
from goldmine-owl :
I'd like to keep reading please, if it's alright with you!
from jarofporter :
resent to correct email...
from incshrnkmn :
I sent you an email, but in case you didn't get it: Don't let the others get you down. Ever.
from jarofporter :
sent you an email to your live.co.uk addy. hope things are ok.
from lanienaked :
posting for username and password please :)
from stepfordtart :
Hello girlie! Can I get a PW when youve got a mo? Cheers! s x
from sofachild :
Hey girl I've been quiet for a while but I've been lurking! I'd like to keep reading if that's all right with you? If you're locked permanently and you're okay with this can you send p/w etc to kirstief@gmail.com? Hang in there! x
from famoustn :
Happy Birthday! Sorry it's late!
from u-saved-me :
holy frackin crap i made it back here. im gonna try and remember to get back here more often. :/ good to see you are still here darlin.
from loveherwell :
i'm hoping 2013 is a great year for you, kelly!!!
from fairybones :
aww, thank you for your latest note. i appreciate it! <3
from samcorday :
Merry Christmas you!! btw you looked fantastic in that cute little number with the frill! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDl0rIOr5Zw&feature=share
from famoustn :
I'm just really shitty at leaving notes, but if you ever wanna chat feel free to hit up mine! :D
from famoustn :
I'm not ignoring you! haha. :)
from jarofporter :
i'm still around & reading, i'm just shit for comments and/or thoughts. ~.~ (journal entries as well, apparently - guess i should go do that.)
from tinea :
you had me all freaked out over this because i've been so bloated for a week. then i was really groping and poking my stomach trying to figure out what was in there, and was like omg baby!? nope ... just poop. haha.
from samcorday :
i seriously think you should draw me some zombie artwork. <3 your zombies! i'm re-decorating.a zombie should be on my wall :D
from stepfordtart :
Hello dear! PW please, if youre giving them out, to the usual email address. Thanks everso. s x
from jarofporter :
only thing i can offer, is that if you want to keep it on the casual side, i wouldn't see him more than once/twice a week (most). if you want to get more involved, ignore that! and if you want sex, go for it! if he fucks off after that, well then, you just used him for a piece, didn't you! ;-) just do whatever sits well with you, and *don't* do anything if you're unsure/uncomfortable. (oooooh... listen to the terminally single guy give dating advice!) *rollseyes* :-P
from loveherwell :
it'll be good for you :D
from loveherwell :
put yourself out there--it's a thousand times better than hiding. if you like him (and he obviously likes you), go for it! xx
from lanienaked :
ooohh memento, one of my favorites... also that is a pretty good halloween costume. i didn't know halloween was popular in UK
from samcorday :
the only films i haven't seen from your stack of DVD's is Triangle (which i'll try) and Blair Witch Project (idk,because all that real time jerky footage was driving me crazy!) PS: your halloween makeup was awesome!!! :D
from lanienaked :
hmm i have a tendency to be really into knowing and finding out about awful films, but no guts to see most of them. I usually end up reading the plot on wikipedia lol. i'm so glad that you are over him. you will definitely find better people, people who deserve your time and attention.
from crazy-raver :
That dinosaur is badass, no doubt. Its just a crush no need to worry, but then again go ahead a worry the more you worry about it the faster you'll realize its just a crush.
from lanienaked :
how are you so good at watching horror films, i am so jealous!! i cant watch anything without cringing or closing my eyes. i feel like such a scardy cat. how can you not be repulsed by a serbian film?? everytime i think about that baby scene and the ending of the film i feel so disgusted. and i shudder and feel like throwing up at just the thought of human centipede. how can you be so apathetic towards it? X_X
from xnamehere :
i love your drawrings. moooaar!! (please.) :)
from samcorday :
you know what's weird? everytime i add a new diary, i see that u have have them as well......either i'm an online stalker or we both have the good sense to have good taste....i like to think it's the latter.lol (PS: i was kidding about the stalker thing o.O)
from goldmine-owl :
Hey, thanks for me adding me as a favourite! I'm pretty new to Diaryland, so you're my first. I think your hair looks great, btw. :)
from xnamehere :
ahaha killer klowns from outer space. just be grateful you didn't have to sit through it tripping balls kelly. but in actuality, i don't think i would have managed to sit through it otherwise..
from happyone :
You may not feel like you have a purpose in life right now, but you do. You're here for a reason.
from jarofporter :
I wrote this before I got to that section in your entry where you talk about just this thing! heheh... "I can't really think of one good reason to stay alive." - I'm completely there with ya on that, but I will say this; if life really didn't need you in it, it would find a way to take you out by itself. That's how I'm approaching it. If you're still here, it means that there's something really cool/amazing coming up, and you just have to wait to find out what it is! I tell myself this all the time, because, well, I can't think of a single good reason for me to be around either. There's *got* to be something cool coming up!!
from aryssa90 :
Have you tried mederma? I haven't tried that but I've heard good things. I've been using it every day for a few days and for me, there's way less redness and swelling so, maybe if you have newer ones it will work for that?
from scullerymaid :
Random- but I love your hair color. What kind of place do you work at that allows you to dye it? At all the jobs I've worked you have to have "natural" colored hair. Totally blows because sometimes I have illusions of dying my hair fuchsia haha
from doctorkaysen :
haha! my husband and i talk to eachother in pinkman speak all the time. YO MR. HUSBAND, TAKE OUT THE TRASH, BITCH.
from julymalaise :
You are welcome, lovee :)
from lanienaked :
hey i'm just curious.. is a "20 pound note" similar to how we say "20 dollar bill"? i used to think a "note" was like an i-owe-you type of thing (not real currency) but maybe i've been misunderstanding this since i don't know british expressions.
from samcorday :
i'm so lame....but i just decided to ge back on D-land...giving u a shout-out
from lanienaked :
ah don't feel guilty. i was in your situation once. I didn't feel one ounce of guilt for her. he used to say to me that it's not considered cheating if he still loved her and not me. HA! as long as you're clear that you're using him and not expect anything, I would try not to get too worked up about it.
from lanienaked :
whooo! congrats on the job. volunteer and real work is totally different. i'm sure you'll love getting paid lol
from jarofporter :
that dress looks great on ya! and congrats on getting the job!
from loveherwell :
CONGRATS ON THE JOB!!!!!!
from stepfordtart :
Hello girly! Can you email me your p/w if youre staying locked? thanks everso xx
from jarofporter :
nobody is "better" than anyone else, just different. we all have flaws, and we all have shiny, beautiful baubles of perfection about us. unfortunately for ones like us, we rarely see our own beauty except through the eyes of another, and when there's no other, we only see the flaws. trust that you're more than the negatives you see in yourself, ok? even if we don't believe it, they're there...
from thisis4keeps :
Yeah, I've considered locking mine for my current relationship. For obvious reasons. But I've decided against it too.
from loveherwell :
:( keep your head up... things like that are difficult.
from thisis4keeps :
Yes, of course you can read my diary. =) Is yours password protected? I'm new to the site so have no clue what I'm doing, but I'm able to see some of your entries.
from famoustn :
Haha. When I started writing again I remembered your diary for some reason. And I followed back!
from famoustn :
Yes of course! I was seriously just thinking about you a few days ago (I hope that doesn't sound creepy!) I go by expectosemprapatronum on tumblr. :)
from scullerymaid :
Thanks so much for the comment. It really means a lot to me, especially in this moment of confusion. Boys just don't make any sense whatsoever!
from elusive-you :
thanks, love!
from julymalaise :
Yay!! Welcome to my now-secret journal!!
from julymalaise :
Okay, message sent!! Do tell me when you recieve my email!!
from julymalaise :
Of course it is okay with me, my dear friend!! :) Do you want me to email the password?
from fairybones :
haha, thanks! the gif is from a film called xtro. i've never seen it myself, so i've no idea if it's any good... all i know is that little roadside creature is one of the most terrifying/coolest looking things ever! (ps. i'm going to want a password to your diary, if you don't mind. dearestleigh@gmail.com) <3
from jarofporter :
i'd like a password too, /if/when you do... :)
from loveherwell :
you'll get yourself sorted out... things always hurt for a while, but i feel the pain is temporary.
from thatgirlx :
I'd like to keep reading if that's okay with you. My e-mail is xxamongtheashesxx@gmail.com (P.S. I don't know why but for some reason it's not showing up on my buddy list when you update, and doesn't show that you have me listed on yours even though I see that you do. It's bugging me. Haha, sorry, OCD's a bitch. Is it doing the same thing to you?)
from thatgirlx :
You're hair looks fucking awesome in my opinion!
from thatgirlx :
Hey, thanks for the add. It's nice to know someone out this is actually reading. I read a bit of your diary as well and hope it's okay if I add you?
from loveherwell :
i'm proud of you, kelly. it takes a long time to build up to that kind of thinking about a relationship that's been so important to you (i would know) but it is SO good that you're there. it's going to suck for a while but i know you're going to be okay. chin up. people are here for you if you need anything. <3
from jarofporter :
I have to say that, although I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this kind of emotional pain again, (and I hope this doesn't sound stupid coming from a relative stranger) I'm also very proud of you for the strength you're already showing in this. I think you're stronger than you realize! You do deserve better, and if you stay strong, you're going to find someone who actually is worth your time, who is supportive and uplifting. And bravo for staying sober last night, that's a huge step, I know, because that's the first thing I want to do when shit goes wrong. You have my email addy, feel free to write if you find you'd like to talk with someone outside the situation.
from loveherwell :
luckily in this case, they've caught the guys who did it. it's just awful, but i mean, people just have to move on i guess :/
from loveherwell :
someone i knew as a child was murdered a couple of weeks ago and during the funeral the family's home was robbed. terrible things happen all the time :(
from doctorkaysen :
i remember you! thank you. that means the world to me <3
from stepfordtart :
I read about two 'chapters' before the Teacher part of me wanted to go through it with a red pen and the Reader part of me wanted to just Cillit Bang my eyeballs. The Elf Porn was exquisite but it would be very bad form of me to diss a fellow d'lander ; ) s x
from stepfordtart :
Your wish is my command: "I'd heard it existed as a thing, but was hoping never to be exposed to it. I managed the first two paragraphs before an all-pervading urge to *gouge out my azure eyes with a monogrammed George IV teaspoon as the bile rose unbidden in my swanlike throat* (a monkey could write that shittily, fersure!) In the interests of maintaining my sense of superiority, I may go back and ingest a little more but Im not sure I can cope with the whole thing - are there pictures? Pictures (especially ones we might colour in) would enhance it beyond belief." We decided that the Elf Porn (yes, really) that I found on someone's diary was of greater literary merit. s x
from jarofporter :
thanks =)
from loveherwell :
ugh, my mom is reading that wretched book too. :/ anyway, keep your head up, kelly. good things will come.
from fairybones :
okay, so i've now watched eden lake, and euugh man i've always really disliked jack o'connell ever since he was on 'skins', but this film made it WAY worse. maybe that's a testament to his acting, but he was absolutely evil in eden lake and i really really hate him now! and yes, the ending was awful beyond words, just watching it made me feel all sorts of defeated. it was a really well done film, but just horrid all at the same time. both james and i, by like the final three or four minutes, when she's at the house and is realising where she's found herself, were literally shouting "fuck this movie!" and just getting SO upset. haha. it's weird though, because even though this film was so emotionally draining, and i literally couldn't stop myself from yelling my hatred at the screen, ten minutes later (after i'd calmed) i thought to myself, 'well damn, that was a really good film, i liked that!' i don't know... i actually like when that happens, in a sick sort of way - it's probably why i like films like 'martyrs' and now this one so much.
from fairybones :
yay, you like blair witch too! seriously, you are the only person i know besides myself who likes it (or admits they do!). and i actually don't know too much about the plot of eden lake really, but everyone else who's watched it already has basically said the same thing about it that you did. now i'm even more intrigued! i'll have to try getting it for my movie night coming up. i'll definitely let you know what i think of it. <3
from jarofporter :
all i can say? one thing i've learned is that if you wait to let him end it, you'll feel like a victim and like you have no control. if you want to be strong and able to move on, take charge, decide what *you* want/feel, and do it. if you guys can work it out, great, but if not, taking charge of the situation and acting from a position of emotional strength is necessary for your mental health. remember, in life, it's *your* world, and it's your right to allow/disallow people in your life, and you should surround yourself with the type of people that will encourage you, lift you up, believe in you. the ones who bring you down? my personal opinion... better off on your own. feel free to either tell me to piss off, or on the other end, write me any time if you wanna talk, ok? =)
from aryssa90 :
thank you for the note. It's things like this that really make me appreciate life and make me feel bad about how I'm abusing it most of the time. I just want to feel like I'm not wasting it, you know? It's hard to articulate it lol. Anyways, thanks for the note, hope you're doing well.
from fairybones :
haha! for some reason i seem to remember having a bit of a giggle the first time i heard about lorena bobbit too... that's awful! also, i've been meaning to tell you how much i adore your hair. i think it looks super fun and pretty. i also think anyone who disagrees with me on that is a total wanker - so there.
from secret-motel :
You know, I've been visiting Amoeba here in SF for years and getting their weekly newsletter. And only recently did I bother to check out the free downnloads section on their site. It made me very happy: http://www.amoeba.com/free-downloads/page1.html
from loveherwell :
they do :( anyhow your red hair is pretty :)
from akasha90 :
i think you look beautiful. perhaps it's just the immediate shock. i've had moments where i see someone with purple or pink hair and i have to keep myself from staring at them. but it's because i love things like that. i'd love to dye my hair purple myself. don't think so negatively. perhaps they are shocked because they've walked into a store where there's an amazingly attractive girl with bold bright red hair.
from loveherwell :
ugh, kelly people are awful. they're really horrible sometimes, but screw them. you're wonderful, just don't forget it!
from aryssa90 :
Yeah, I def need to get off my butt and volunteer somewhere. I called around several places over the past few months but no one ever called me back or they were full up and it kind of put me off of it. But, I need to get over that. I now how you feel about wanting the room done! Bill and I are redoing parts of the house one by one and I just want to tear things down and re-do everything right now haha. Does your boyfriend have a youtube or something? It would interesting to hear what his band sounds like :)
from aryssa90 :
Thanks. Glad you had a better day at work. I've never really had a proper job for that long so I'm really nervous that when I'm done with school and get a job I'll be complete shit. How's the room renovation going?
from aryssa90 :
I think it is definitely a bonding experience if you are ready for it. See, Bill and I have always talked about threesomes so I thought of this as like a test to see how I might react to it. I didn't think I would do as well as I did-I was a nervous wreck beforehand but it turned out awesome :) You should def try it if you think you'll be okay with it!
from aryssa90 :
Thanks! You're not shit at being polite lol. I was afraid people would think I was slutty for my birthday extravaganza lol. It is a lot of fun, we spent around $200, though I'm not sure what that converts to for you. It was expensive but not as expensive as I thought it would be and it was so worth it. Also, love the red hair again!
from secret-motel :
Yeah, Black Lips are great. I'm very fond of "Good, Bad, Not Evil" and "200MillionThousand." I got to see Brian Jonestown Massacre play live a couple weeks back. I think that was the fifth time I've seen them. Anton was very displeased with the guy working the soundboard and kept calling him a "dick with a powertrip." You might like The Blue Angel Lounge. BJM brought them from Germany to open all their shows here in the States. Really wonderful music.
from u-saved-me :
heeeyyy, fancy meetin you here! I'm gonna take the user/pass off I think.. I'm debating it... I have to delete a couple entries tonight (may19) and then I'll unlock it.
from jarofporter :
well, if i were over there, i'd hang with you. i don't know how you come across IRL, but from what i see on here, i think you're a pretty cool chick who just needs a few supportive friends. hope the good feelings come back soon!
from lanienaked :
mann cutteeeee necklace. i'm so jealous.
from zoela :
yay, thank you! :) (let the right one in is one of my favorite movies too.)
from aryssa90 :
Thank you! And yeah, it's totally about time lol. Now I'm just waiting for a ring so we can tell people. I told him I didn't need a ring right away, I'd rather just tell people but he's a stubborn one. But I'm glad I could share it with my d-landers :)
from secret-motel :
King Khan, yes! Great song. Here's one for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IGV1qTNTQ8&feature=related
from loveherwell :
my most recent one supposedly had to do with rebelling against one of my coworkers? haha.
from loveherwell :
oooh i like this entry! you and your boy seem to be doing quite well, that makes me very happy for you. i also really enjoy to look up the "meaning" of my dreams... quite entertaining. <3
from secret-motel :
And speaking of the Fresh & Onlys, I just saw they are playing here Saturday night. So maybe I'll try to get out and see them. I have seen them before, and they are pretty great live.
from secret-motel :
There is so much great music coming out of this city, right now, I can't keep track of it all. One of the best, best, best albums I've heard in a long time is "Play It Strange" by The Fresh & Onlys. That's a real beauty. I think you'd like it, if you haven't heard it already.
from secret-motel :
Yeah, I've been on a Thee Oh Sees kick for a while and love everything I've heard. They're from my city, and I've had countless opportunities to see them play live. But I am a horrible recluse and I suck--so I've squandered all those opportunities. Maybe that will change. I adore you, Kelly. Please be kind to yourself. I would love to send you mix cd's and random books you might enjoy, if you're ever interested.
from scullerymaid :
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the BC I'm on. I take this stuff called Junel and when I first started it seemed okay. But after a few months I started having multiple periods and now it's just all the time. I'm definitely going to switch first chance I get.
from jarofporter :
well, maybe look at it this way... you don't have to quit everything for the rest of your life (that sounds too daunting) - all you have to do is just make it one day. that's it! then the next day, the same thing... just one day. the great thing about this is, if you accidentally regress once, it's ok, because the next day is brand new and is just "one more day", ya know! ;-) just don't beat yourself up, ok? :-)
from jarofporter :
i'm sad, because apparently, your most recent message didn't make it on to my notes page... :-( either i missed something, or you changed your mind about posting it!?
from jarofporter :
omg... *loooove* the accent! i need to start looking for a girl in britain, i think!
from loveherwell :
haha awhh that was cute :D yay videos!
from fairybones :
thanks for the congrats, babe! i appreciate it. <3
from loveherwell :
everyone makes fun of me for it!! :P
from loveherwell :
hahaha thank you!! it's silly. :)
from newschick :
In Texas most girls are like married by 21, so I feel you. I haven't missed it yet... I was REALLY sick of it so maybe this is it for good.
from starkitten01 :
Thank you : ) Now if only I can get him *out* of my head and get back to my life....
from beckyhut :
user=lostas pass=you There you go :)
from loveherwell :
yay for proud moments - keep them coming!
from newschick :
that was really nice of the manager - she sounds like she really wants something good for you... definitely let her help you! good luck tomorrow. :)
from cosmic-heart :
hi, i've added you back! :)
from loveherwell :
it sounds as though you did just fine! don't worry yourself. i'm sure they loved you!
from jarofporter :
nope, promise it's all good! ;-)
from jarofporter :
was going to write a not here, but i had too much to say, so i'm gonna try to send an email! let me know if you don't see one by tomorrow...
from jarofporter :
you know i'll be sending you well-wishes for your successful interview - you'll do fine! i have confidence in you! :)
from loveherwell :
good luck! i'm sure you'll be fine!
from newschick :
after reading your last entry, i have a thought. have you ever considered writing a book about your life after education? and dealing with unemployment? it's just so timely with our generation and the lack of opportunities there are here in UK/Ireland. or even just use your experience to write about another character going through it. just a thought...but you ARE a good writer and this is a very popular subject that hasn't been told from the young person's perspective...just david cameron's! ;)
from jarofporter :
a couple thoughts, if you don't mind. :) i know from experience that the drinking comes from a need to avoid something that's unsettling you internally. it feels like there's something (maybe a few things) you're not ready to face. also, and please don't think i'm trying to tell you what to do, but you deserve to be with someone who is supportive, encouraging, uplifting *most of the time* (we all have our 'days', right?). perhaps, if he's unable to do that, you might be better off finding someone who can? of course, i'm of the opinion that i'd rather be alone instead of with the wrong person - i know not everyone can do that. anyway, know that i'm thinking positive thoughts for you - you'll figure things out soon enough, and you'll be stronger for it! just believe in yourself, ok? :)
from newschick :
i only know that print because my wedding invitations had it in the background ;)
from loveherwell :
i'm sorry :( i hope that whatever you do, you make the best choice for you and make sure that you're happy/okay with everything.
from loveherwell :
what do you think you're going to do? :/ i know it may seem out of place for me to say, but you're a lovely girl and i think that you're entirely capable of finding someone who doesn't lie to you, you know? and i mean that in the best way possible.
from loveherwell :
you're not overreacting. he should've owned up to it to begin with--i mean, you did, so why shouldn't he? i'd be upset, too. even though it's not cheating, it is still LYING, and in my opinion if someone lies to you about something big like this, they're going to lie to you about other things, too.
from tinea :
ooh, you might also like: finecooking's "roast chicken redux" series. lots of ideas for leftover roast chicken, but of course you could sub in your freshly roasted chicken.
from tinea :
hey! for super easy stuff, you might like realsimple.com's food section. you can search by ingredient and course and all that, and pretty much everything i've made from there has lived up to the name. finecooking has MUCH better recipes (i use them probably 75% of the time), but you might find some of them challenging if you don't have a solid cooking background. check out their "quickest chicken dinners" for exactly that, or you can search by low-cal or quick under "special considerations" in the recipes tab. i just started enjoying the-girl-who-ate-everything.com recently; really quick, easy, family friendly recipes that make huge portions so you can pack some up for leftovers, which are what i usually have for lunch :) either that or some greek yogurt, depending on how much i plan to eat for dinner. (i fast until late afternoon, so i often skip lunch.) hope those help! if that's too broad, let me know and i'll pick out some of my favorites for you.
from newschick :
hey girl, join pinterest... it's a stupid website but has AMAZING home decor ideas. you and i are so similar - i want a black and white room and love the damask style paper! :) xoxo
from jarofporter :
please realize that some people have no clue - ignore them, and write them off as inconsiderate and unintelligent. you need to realize and accept that you are perfect the way you are right now, and the person you will eventually grow into will be exactly who you need to be at that time as well. Each step in your life is your next opportunity to grow, so take advantage of it! I know things are at the precipice of turning around for you, you just have to accept it, deep down, ok? ;-)
from loveherwell :
thank you, thank you, thank you :)
from bangyrdead :
thank you, lovely. :) that made me smile.
from loveherwell :
i hope you're doing well, kelly!
from snowxbaby :
My sister loves that too. :-)
from stepfordtart :
Im sure it will give you more confidence, too. You might want to have a reply up your sleeve from people who say "why are you doing THAT, if you dont even get paid?". Mean-minded people will always find a reason to rubbish something they dont do. Jooj's friends were merciless when she was working at Oxfam Music but she had a brilliant time, playing scratchy vinyl on the shops sound system, while her friends were getting dogs' abuse pushing brooms round factories or being yelled at in 'proper' shops. When I worked for a charity we LUUUURRRRVED our volunteers (especially if they made the tea!). s x
from stepfordtart :
Thats great news : ). Dont forget, volunteers are few and far between so there is no reason why you shouldnt find something. You have an excellent 'heart-strings' story, too - Cant find a job as you have no experience, cant get experience because no-one will give you a chance. Then you go in hard with the 'I want to make something of myself, if only I could get a break, someone to believe in me etc etc etc'. Once you get something, do EVERY job, no matter how crappy. Make yourself indispensible. If nothing else it will get you a brilliant reference. Im so glad you did it - onwards and upwards! s x
from thruthecrowd :
I am actually very grateful to have someone add me. Thank you so much. I keep forgetting to change my age. I am a few years older now, but else everything remains true. :-)
from stepfordtart :
No worries. Nightie night! s x
from stepfordtart :
No, only at other peoples' lives! Mine is just as fucked up as everyone else's from where Im sitting! Sometimes its just easier to see what can be done when youre on the outside. s x PS Two dithery daughters and two semi-useless husbands have honed my skills somewhat, too, I guess ;-)
from stepfordtart :
They WANT volunteers. You are a reasonably sentient being. Have you been in a charity shop recently? Its generally sweet old ladies and a few 'special' blokes who smell faintly of wee and have their top button on their shirt done up. "Hello. I wonder if I could talk to somebody about volunteering, please." would probably do the trick. Jooj volunteered at Help the Aged and Oxfam Record shop - they practically took her bloody hand off once they realised she could string a sentence together and was prepared to muck in. Just do it - your cyber mum commands you. s x
from newschick :
hugs, kelly. my friend went through the same shit with her baby's dad. actually they're still going through it...it's a nightmare. but that's the stupid world we live in. you keep your head high and focus on yourself for a while...you deserve that, you know.
from fatcowww :
I did manage, eventually, to find a working internet thingy (the third place I went) and was able to see all your pics (instead of just the first 50 or so pixels). Room looks spiffy :) and you are adorable in all your outfits. I like the photo before 'scary eyes' - you both look like crazy (in a good way) manga characters. Also you in the hoodie, you look like some kind of mad pixie :) Bathroom pics are essential for a good holiday, imo. 'Seriously not impressed' reminds me of something which I will remember eventually. In 'a bit less unimpressed' he looks like a rock star (but of course I can't remember which one). The tank friends are so sweet! Love the bunny =:^) Oooh, and the cake, too! But you don't look ten years old... at least 16. Certainly older than TD! And your head is *not* a weird shape! Teapot and cup are nice - I'm jealous (of the teapot at least). 'Just about to leave' is a lovely pic of you both, honest. And I like 'no fucking idea' - it's arty :)
from cannet :
i don't mind a bit & your hair looks good red.
from imalex :
Happy (belated) Birthday!!! It took me awhile to get used to the idea of being in my twenties. Four months later and I still think about my age whenever I tell people. So strange. Anyways, hope it was a fabulous day, and I like the cake :)
from loveherwell :
happy birthday!!! i hope you enjoyed it!!! :D :D
from elusive-you :
HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE! i hope that it's wonderful and you have an amazing time! you deserve it <3 and i wish i still had the old diaries i had when i was 13-16... some of them are still on diaryland, actually, and i read back on them from time to time. it's an interesting feeling more than anything.
from grimm0826 :
I'm listening to Coldplay right now, thanks to you :-) Glad you had a good evening, now pay the price! Just kidding...sorry about the hangover. Be careful of the pills, that's all I will say on the subject. The photos are gorgeous...wish I was half as photogenic as you! Cheers! V^^^^V
from secret-motel :
Hello, beautiful lady. I just added you, too. I look forward to catching up on your entries. I still need to update my music favorites. You've always had great taste in music, books, and films. We could probably talk for hours about that stuff. And your pictures still make me swoon.
from jarofporter :
"Some form of escape?" Precisely. "And I guess if I fall down then I just need to keep picking myself back up again." Precisely. :)
from fatcowww :
Hamsters (and gerbils) are not allowed in Australia because someone apparently said "we have enough imported species which are bad for the environment, let's not have these really cute ones as well". Best answer I found here: http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091117221248AAIHysY Sad, huh.
from sofachild :
Taking that amount of paracetamol (and other regular pain meds) will destroy your liver A LOT faster than alcohol. I urge you to do some research on this - and fast - so that you can see what you are doing to yourself by crunching down the pills.
from grimm0826 :
Almost forgot - you said you have the Zombie Survival Guide...have you read "World War Z", by the same author? I'm re-reading it now...it is awesome. Give it a try, if you haven't already!
from grimm0826 :
Now don't you feel better about yourself, having made it until Friday? Wish I had done as well...I bummed a cigarette from a co-worker...in my defense, I'll say it wasn't my brand! Thanks for the kind words in the note...also, the dress and hairdo look awesome! And finally, I don't want to write Ms. Meyer a nasty letter - I just want to write books which outsell hers!
from fatcowww :
Hello dear reader ;) I have decided to lock my diary again, probably indefinitely, starting the entry after next. I hope you would still want to read me - if so, please let me know where to send your details for login (via email would be best). Note me or email me (fatcowww@dl). xxx
from imalex :
Hiii :) Of course it's alright for you to add me back! I didn't know that you had made a new account so thanks for letting me know :) I just read your last point, and it sounds like you're having a tough time with sobriety, but just stay positive and focus on what you need to do. It's really tough, I remember when my friend was in withdrawl. It was tough, and it got worst before it got better. But just keep it up because when you reach you're goal you'll find you feel a lot better. Think how proud you'll be of yourself? Try to keep that in mind constantly. Also drink LOTS of water, if anything do that. Also when you stop drinking you'll notice (after the withdrawl) how much healthier you'll feel. I hope this helps!! <3 Keep positive!
from jarofporter :
"All I've been doing lately is drinking more water, trying to control the alcohol consumption and I've been drinking green tea aha." - Seriously, that, and a bit of consistent walking daily (maybe 15-30 minutes) is a great way to start! Don't bother doing anything more until this becomes habit, or you'll overwhelm yourself & give up. Remember, just a little change can have a big effect - I know you can do it! ;-)
from stepfordtart :
Not loserish at all, dear, AND you get to be all sanctimonious in a "well, I knew none of YOU would make me one" kind of way! Cut yourself some slack, tho. Buy some ready-made cake for the square bit, then you only have to do the assembly - no baking required! The 'fondant' bit is 'ready-to-roll' icing, you can find it in any supermarket, where the baking ingredients are. It usually comes in white but you can colour it with some food colour. Dont go too mental with food colour...unless you want your cake to look like something out of Balamorey! If you want proper, helpful instructions email me and I'll do the deed! s x PS I have made my own birthday cake more times than I care to remember.
from loveherwell :
this whole entry is amazing. <3
from jarofporter :
Hi! Thanks for the note, and the add, although I have no idea why you'd want to read more about me!? lol I'll be reading through yours too when I get more time. *waves*
from grimm0826 :
May I make an off-the-wall comment? You remind me, in many ways, of my daughter. She is 18, and (thank you, FaceBook) we stay in touch. Because you remind me of her, I'm willing to offer you this deal. You said you're absolutely not going to drink until Friday. Well, I'm quitting smoking, which is also hard to say no to. Here's the bargain, if you choose to accept it. You don't drink until Friday, and I won't smoke until then. Suffering is easier when shared, so we'll deal with our demons together...on different sides of the ocean. What do you say? BTW, good luck with the appointment tomorrow. I hope the news is nowhere near as bad as you expect. Happy New Year!
from fatcowww :
The reblogger email thing doesn't work at all, I don't think (it's never sent me one either). I log in (every couple of days) and click the "delete unwanted comments" button - that shows you a list of all comments so you can see if you have new ones. I'm glad you're feeling better. :)
from julymalaise :
I hope you are doing better now and I can understand your frustration, sometimes we have those days where we aren't able to explain our moods and problems. Though, I was very concerned about you and I hope 2012 will bring new life and adventures into your life. Enjoy the New Year as well and do have fun!! Thanks for wishing me a good New Year's. Can't believe you are near to midnight than me!! LOL.
from grimm0826 :
I've been there. I could tell you all the cliches which were of absolutely no use to me, or I could tell you to cheer up (as if you can just ignore your pain, right?), or I could just be honest with you. Here comes that third option: this too shall pass. I know it's dark where you're at right now, but look for the light. You'll find it...it just may take a while. Meanwhile, The Grimm One is pulling for you. I'd hate to lose a brand new friend.
from notunique :
aw thanks. hopefully i can keep it entertaining.
from julymalaise :
Oh, pretty pictures, girl!!! That food looks super-yummy! Yeah, it has been chilly and windy here on the East Coast, so I can relate. I heard that book "1984" is a really goood read!
from grimm0826 :
Hi there! Added you to my list as well...thank you, I'm very flattered!
from julymalaise :
Awww.... why thank you!! You are very lovely! HAHAHA, I love the Scream pillow, it would've freaked the hell out of me as well if I woke up next to it!!
from newschick :
haha i'll have to catch back up when i'm back in ireland. all so silly, but OH SO addictive!!! :)
from newschick :
and merry christmas too...hope you had a good one :) xoxo
from newschick :
LOL i meant ladies as in characters, not us! ;) it hasn't been the same since we found out who killed archie! ;)
from newschick :
haha phil mitchell eh? he's a scoundrel but he always attracts the ladies! ;)
from julymalaise :
I hope you feel better and I know you can get through this, you are a very strong girl. I know you are going through a tough time, but I hope you have a lovely Christmas. Just remember a new year is coming and it may be a beacon of surprises and hopes. A new year means a new start and new opportunities!! I wish you the best!! Love you! :D Take care.
from xnamehere :
well i'm glad. take all the support you can get, even if it's in these little purple notes. what better way to grow than by surrounding yourself with people that see you on such an intimate level without the fronts and the appearances and bullshit? good luck with the test results. take all the help you need. just remember, all this pain it's apart of what makes you who you are. and when you experience the highs, the ahhs, you'll appreciate them so much more. understanding is key. don't try to silence the pain when it comes creeping. notice it, let it be, because it makes you beautiful, it makes you realize things, and appreciate things you wouldn't otherwise. it won't be easy to break old patterns, but it's easier than you think to create new ones. stay open. stay strong, instant gratification will only take you so far as the next need for instant gratification. ^^ i hope you'll smile more.
from xnamehere :
baby steps darling. that's what you need to take to make yourself better. forget about this fuckhead of a fool who tears you down. i know, i know easier said than done. but when it comes down to it, your overall well-being is going to radiate from within you. someone's elses' "light" is never going to be enough for you if you cannot unlock your innner peace. because as long as you're embracing your fear.. you'll always misconstrue other people's intentions. that's just our minds at work doll. get yourself better. nurture your soul. indulge your senses, don't dull your senses with alcohol. don't numb yourself because you feel so deeply. don't be ashamed of how deeply you experience things. forget about makeup for a while. allow your skin to breathe! it's good for you. that's what's important right now. making little efforts to better yourself inside and outside. don't think of it as coping, think of it as BEING... but not falling into those same patterns of fear self-doubt. create a new pattern. notice what brings you down and why it brings you down. weave a different path. embrace the love within yourself. you feel so deeply, but your embrace the darkness because it's what you're comfortable with. embrace the love. you are such a beautiful soul and you deserve to emanate that radiance. your health is the most important thing right now. take care of YOUR SELF you beautiful creature. ♥
from julymalaise :
Oh, my pleasure. I'm so excited to be reading you again after such a long time!!
from julymalaise :
I was reading your entries in my phone with your old layout, but now with your new layout, that is ceased to exist and now I can read it on my laptop!! YAYYY!
from aryssa90 :
it wasn't aimed at you lol, it was aimed at my mom haha
from julymalaise :
Thank you, I really appreciate the congrats! And yeah, I haven't been able to view your journal entries and I'm using Internet Explorer... lol.
from englishsucks :
you made me smile. thank you hun. ox
from stepfordtart :
Hello dear! Sorry to hear you're sick. Havent forgotten about the recipes - will try to get on it tonight and will email them to you. Somewhere on my diary there's some super easy cookies that you make in a pan on top of the stove (and there's pictures, too, so you can tell if youve fucked it up!) so I'll link to that too. s x PS Take some multivitamins.
from pink-sapfire :
Haha, sounds good I'll return the favor when I get on my computer. Glad your back
from julymalaise :
I'm glad things are doing well with you and I have to catch up with your life as well. By the way, how do you view your entries because whenever I go on your page, there are no words, only the comment thingie. And I hope you have a lovely day as well!!
from fatcowww :
Ha! For a second there I thought you meant you were going to use my commenting code... glad to see you made yourself an account (otherwise your comments would show up under my account and that would be confusing). :)
from julymalaise :
Yay, I'm glad you are back and glad that I am back in your buddy list. I'll add you to my list as well. How's it been?? And hope you are doing well.
from fatcowww :
Well, I could see your test comment, and the form to enter a comment... *shrug* I'm okay, pretty much, apart from the usual madness (I'm in denial about Xmas, shhh).
from fatcowww :
Awww... you took the comments form away before I had a chance to use it :( I saw it briefly yesterday morning, but it was a longish entry (nothing wrong with that!) and I had to feed the animals so I thought I'd come back to it. I do like the new template :) I will miss the blue one but the new one is quite easy on the eyes.
from neangel :
Hey I wouldn't mind the new reader at all!! I think after years of not updating, there are a lot of buddies I've lost. Welcome & I look forward to getting to know YOU as well :)(if that is okay)
from stepfordtart :
He doesnt want you. He just doesnt want anyone else to have you. s x
from incshrnkmn :
As long as you and the ex are getting along, you should get him to write you a note apologizing for setting you up for a visit by the cops with his false accusation of stalking. That way if he does it again, you can show the police and they will know that you, not he, are the one being harassed. That's my advice anyway.
from ottodixless :
Hi. I think the main reason to go see the Fall now is that Mark E Smith looks like he's going to die soon, so possibly even a few minutes of half-hearted grunting is worth it. It's a shame because they can/could be a brilliant band live. Indeed, when I saw them they were very good apart from Mr Smith's failure to sing/appear, which was a problem. I'm going to read some more of your diaryland now.
from stepfordtart :
Yeh. Or maybe he actually likes you. s x
from loveherwell :
kelly!!! i am so proud of you and SO happy for you right now!!!
from stepfordtart :
High spirits is ALWAYS good! Looking forward to the next installment. s x PS Nobody EVER in my life has said the words "innit bruv" to my face. That gives me immeasurable joy.
from stepfordtart :
Oh God! Look at the size of that fucking NOTE! Sorry! s x
from stepfordtart :
Well! Seems like you may have gotten a few things off your chest! Also, Im glad youve now heard another side of the you/him/her/them saga, it always seemed a bit rough to me that you were expected to believe everything he (Ex) said, without questions, when he was the one who had fucked you over in the first place. Just bear in mind that A has gossiped TO you, so there is always a chance he will gossip ABOUT you, ,but I think its important to realise that you have got some very important information 'out there' regarding your break up and how Ex behaved and I think that whatever story gets told will at least be a bit more balanced. Im really glad you had fun - about bloody time too! Im also glad you didnt fuck A - if he's as keen on you as he seems to be, then there's no harm in hanging on to your ha'penny til another time. Not that Im judging - hell, Im in no place to (it was the 80s, there was nothing else to do!) but Ive suffered from Small Town Party Girl syndrome myself and if you shag ONE blabbermouth, you might as well have shagged them all as the one will talk to the others and they will all know what you look like nekkid and what you like to get up to. I even once had a boy (Andy) say to me "But Dave said that you told Rob you wanted to do that when HE was doing you, how come you dont want to do that with me? Im gonna tell Dave he needs to get his facts straight". Yeh. Andy never got it. Ever. Rob never got it again and Dave got a pint poured over him. Have fun, dear, but remember to take a breath (and a look around) occasionally. s x
from stepfordtart :
Im here! Im here! *puts down groceries*. Sorry! Been a bit busy. Hmm, Im guessing this is ancient history now and youve probably embarked on some course of action which may or may not have us all wincing in our collective sitting rooms. Anyways, I thought that was a really nicely thought out email and seemed genuine. Generally speaking I would say, "whats the harm?" but I truly have never 'met' such a flaky bunch of nutters as those who live in your town, Kelly! The normal conventions of society dont seem to apply to any of them - grown women dont threaten each other like that...unless theyre on Jeremy Kyle for amusing me and making me feel smug. The men are no better - I need to come round there and tell them all that there's nothing manly or grown up about 'kissing and telling', nor playing women off against each other. Let us know what you decided to do, wont you? Sorry I wasnt about to give my pithy words of Mumdom earlier in the week. Hope all is OK. s xx
from college-kid :
Maybe I'm naieve, but he seems pretty legit to me. I mean, is it really so bad just to see where it all leads? I don't think a guy would tell you all that if he's just trying to get into your pants. He seems nice and ready to move on with his life-- as should you, really. Just my opinion. Where's Stepfordtart a.k.a. Diaryland Mum when you need her?
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry you're feeling like crap :( But I'm glad you've decided to go to a dr. I hope you follow through, you don't have to be sad all the time. If you ever need to chat you know where to find me :)
from stepfordtart :
11 year olds are pretty self-sufficient, dear (I know, Ive got one!). You should be fine with him on your own, he's WAY past the 'talking to strangers' phase (and in any case, probably has a mobile so you can ring him up and say "where are you, you little bugger!"). Get him on doing the voices of the animals you see, we do that a lot. Apparently Im a very good marmoset, but Treacle's giraffe voice is better than mine. s x PS Carpet bomb that CV to everyone for Christmas jobs? Maybe a game store would take you on, its not like you dont know anything about games!
from stepfordtart :
Jooj did most of that one, but yes, I would totally (my cakes are neater by FAR than that!)...if you lived a little nearer maybe! Not sure how well it would survive via Parcelforce! How are you doing? Recovered from Cinema Rage? s x
from newschick :
aw yea! i'm glad you're still on here. :) thanks for noting me! :) catch ya lata xoxox
from fatcowww :
The leg thing... restless leg syndrome? Or else a hormonal thing. I'm closer to stepfie's age than yours, but I do get weird feelings in my extremities a *little* like you describe (though I would call mine "a metallic boiling feeling"). Or else, as you say, a circulation problem. Do see a doctor, please. <3
from stepfordtart :
Hey Kelly. If you are drinking as much as you appear to be, stopping drinking abruptly could be astonishingly dangerous for you and could actually kill you. Im pretty sure you wont (but Im going to say it anyway) - you need to get to the doctors and get some help. Withdrawal from alcohol dependency is a difficult and unpleasant business and you will need some expert help if you decide to quit or cut down. Email me if you want me to expand on this - quicker than using Doctor Google, Im sure! ((hug)) s x
from loveherwell :
kelly... i know it may not help much, but i'm thinking of you.
from dramathighs :
drunk ramblings are the only sensical kinds.
from lanienaked :
haha actually you do quite look like ariel now that you mention it.
from stepfordtart :
Awww. Im sorry you feel crap...but a little bit of me (the mum bit) is saying in a smug voice "Look how crap you feel without it - doesnt that tell you that you have some dependency issues". Im sorry, but it was kind of hanging in the air there, waiting to be said. You kind of knew I would take one for the team there and say it, didnt you? Have a cup of tea and find yourself a chocolate biscuit. Pleasure can be found in the UNLIKELIEST of places, dear! Watch Show and Tell on E4 and cheer yourself up! ((hug)) s x
from stepfordtart :
Oh dear. I would be upset about that, fersure, but mostly about the 12 wasted. My husband would be more of your opinion. Tonight might well be horrible for you....but you wont die with one night without drink. Youll feel rough, but you wont die. And if Knob-jockey comes a'callin just imagine how freaked he'll be to be dealing with Sober Kelly (with all her faculties)instead of pissed-up easy-to-beat Kelly. s x PS Your dad's not helping AT ALL.
from stepfordtart :
you cant get the same one Ive got as they arent taking any more new (free) people, you have to pay for it now. Joistmonkey has a scrolling one which I think was free, from tag-world.com - go over to his place and have a look. I think fatcowww's got a similar one too. Hope that helps! s x
from xnamehere :
thanks for the add gorgeous! ^^
from lanienaked :
ohh i see. i wondered what happened to you. i saw you locked your old diary... it's never good to be desperate for a relationship. i know the feeling having been there, but when you rush into whoever you can find, chances are he's probably not that great.
from fatcowww :
Sorry, I've been kinda awol for 2 weeks. I'm trying to catch up on everyones' entries. Firstly, you make a very sweet little cat (love the nose!). Second, love your hair (wish I could do that with mine). Third... my heart is aching for you because you are still suffering hurt from your former relationship. I know it doesn't seem like it from your perspective (being young an' all) but someone WILL come along who is suitable, it just might take a while (certainly weeks, possibly months, maybe even a year or two). I remember how much I used to hate being single, to the point where I was rarely single for more than a week or so (meaning I would go out with pretty much anyone for the sake of not being alone, because I had shit self-esteem and all that). Um, have I said all this before? I seem to think I might have done... Ah, I wish I could take your pain away. I really do. <3
from stepfordtart :
It was teeth marks, too! Not even a proper lovebite. The randy little bugger. Its SO difficult - Im torn between going ape-shit crazy and remembering what I was like at almost-16 (which was a HELL of a lot worse, as STDs hadnt been invented then!). Thanks for the get well vibes - it deffo must be Mum Lurgi. s x
from stepfordtart :
Coffee shops = Gay men! Mind you, a least you'd have someone to go shopping with!
from stepfordtart :
Oh, if only real life were like a Hugh Grant film! Id say get one of your mates to fix you up with someone suitable but a) your mates seem nearly as flaky as you and b) I did that and ended up with L! s x
from stepfordtart :
OMIGOSH - I came over here to leave some pithy words of wisdom but I got sidetracked and now I WANNA MAKE A LITTLE GIF OF ME!!! Im clicking that linky THE VERY SECOND I finish writing this! Re: meeting men - the lasttime I was single, my friends were all like "oh, come to this club, its full of men" or "you'll deffo pull in this bar, its a pulling bar" but I had to ask myself, do I really want to go out with the sort of bloke who goes to those sort of places? Answer: no. If you want a sweet funny kind non-twat of a bloke, dont hang around the sort of places that are choc-full of knob-headed players. You've got plenty to offer so dont sell yourself short. s x
from college-kid :
Most definitely. :D Don't forget-- you're the woman. You shouldn't be chasing men, they should be chasing YOU (which they seem to do ;D). Point is, YOU hold all the cards in dating and relationships. It's magical. :D Take control of your inner strength. You are an AMAZING person and a guy would be an idiot not to want you. (:
from college-kid :
What the helll duddeee? You're fucking adorable! You could certainly score a nice boy if you put your mind to it-- I did, and I'm not nearly as cute as you are. If you could tone down the alcohol a little (I'm not saying quit, just tone it down a little) there should be no reason you can't nab you. (:
from diary--user :
Sure, I admire your candor as I am very nosy and sometimes blunt as well. :) It's only really locked from one person. Email me at diary.user@gmail.com and I'll email you back a password.
from pathofruwen :
OMG I want your hair!! Can I have? :)
from stepfordtart :
I just got to see the fabulous Ariel Mermaid hair before you locked up. Will you send me a PW? You can email it to me if you dont want to leave it in my notes. Thanks dear. s x
from aryssa90 :
I'd have to get the extensions professionally as I know if I got the DIY ones I'd look horrible. I'm not very good with doing my hair so, they'd probably turn out looking like crap. Hopefully your hair will soften, I remember when I kept dying my hair super blonde it felt like straw, it's such a weird feeling!
from aryssa90 :
I think your hair looks awesome! I wish I could pull off something like that and that my hair was as long as yours! Let's trade haha :) And your nose and chin are not horrible at all!
from stepfordtart :
This time was never going to be easy for you - it would be a little bit odd if you WERE sailing through it, tbh. Its perfectly OK to be upset. Im gigging with L tonight and Im singing a song which came out when my first husband left. I still felt a little bit tearful when we were rehearsing earlier, even though it was TEN YEARS AGO! Allow yourself to have those weepy, remembering moments - just dont dwell on them. *thinking of you* s x
from fancyclaps :
this is a really random stalker like question- but what ever happened with your high blood pressure? did you take meds for it? did you go off birth control and did it go down? just wondering because my doc thinks mine is high too and i dont know what to do. thanks love xox
from stepfordtart :
So? Nobody said you had to be all sweetness and light all the time. Have a good cry, blow your nose and go do something that puts a smile on your face. I would recommend going to a big department store and trying on all the hats, but that nearly got me and my kids thrown out of BHS the last time we did it! s x
from stepfordtart :
Jooj's boyfriend was off last night to queue up at the shop to get it! They were opening at midnight specially for all the nerdy gamers like YOU! s x
from stepfordtart :
Ooh! Ooh! Work Experience?! Would your sis let you get some proper work experience in her shop? If it wouldnt get you into trouble with the job centre people? That could work out really nicely for you, couldnt it? So nice to hear you sounding more positive, dear, it really is! s x
from opposure :
hugs.
from fairybones :
aw, thanks babe! i'll be reading along with yours as well. <3
from stepfordtart :
Sleep is very healing, dear. It can only do you good. Im really glad you seem to be on the up - even in a small way. Im sure youll have a backslide every now but Im pretty sure youll get there in the end. And HUZZAH to clothes that fit, regardless of what number is on the label. I dont bother looking at the numbers these days at it varies so much from shop to shop - I just pick one off the rail and hold it up against me, I can usually tell if its going to fit. Fingers crossed that something comes up with the job thingy, too. s x
from fatcowww :
I've never spent more than a week's holiday in a small town so I don't have any experience in how hard it can be to avoid people and not be paranoid about being discussed... so I've been holding my tongue because much as I would like to give you the benefit of my age/experience, neither is relevant, unfortunately. Everyone else is giving you excellent advice, though, so hold your head up high, tell yourself every day that you are a good girl, and continue to sleep lots and drink less. xxx
from samcorday :
hey!!! just came back on D-land...i need to stay on here more often....things have been shite lately and i had no motivation to write. BUT I AM BACK!! :D
from stepfordtart :
Fairy lights etc etc etc sounds a metric fuckton better than "pile of ironing, go to Lidl, be the guest artist at a 50th birthday gig my husbands band is playing at". s x PS That 'gig' thing might sound cool, but I dont even get paid for hanging around all night so they can choose when I get to sing a half dozen songs I dont even like!
from stepfordtart :
You know your ma and pa are just worried about you, dont you? If you look at it objectively, it does sound a little bit weird - "I am going to London on a Friday night to go out with someone I only know from the internet. I am not sure what time I'll be home." Ive met loads of d'landers and theyve all been lovely (annanotbob, smashthegas, barefootruby), but there's always that element of ABJECT TERROR that something may go hideously wrong! Have a mellow weekend - we look forward to hearing about all the things that DIDNT happen! s x
from meffinmisfit :
im sorry that you are feeling distant from life, see someone... talk to someone. There is life outside these emotions that trap us. You can and WILL be happy. My thoughts are with you - M.
from incshrnkmn :
What she said.
from college-kid :
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt.
from incshrnkmn :
You are stronger than you know, and that kind of cruelty is sign of such pathetic weakness. You need to block those texts. You need to move on. Define yourself by what you do going forward and not what you've done. What others think, what others say, what they do -- irrelevant. The people you want in your life, need in your life, will support you and not tear you down. They will see everything in you that is good and will be hard-pressed to see anything else. They will be lucky to be in your life.
from loveherwell :
you don't need people like that in your life, kelly. you really deserve better. you don't have to keep them there.
from stepfordtart :
I think thats perfectly OK. Its a shitty thing to do to you so its fine to be upset about it. But ultimately its you who gets to go "Bollocks. you're knob-heads. Im over it." I hope you get there soon. s x
from stepfordtart :
Jolly glad you're still alive and, if you dont mind me saying so, you actually sound the most OK youve sounded for a while (including when you were actually 'with' Ex). Im cautiously optimistic for your continued reintegration into the human race, dear! s x
from fatcowww :
I've been Away From Computer for a couple of days so I have 3 or 4 of your entries to catch up on (they are open; I will read them after lunch). Just wondering... a few people have switched to this grey template recently - is it symbolic of a particular cause? I really liked your old one better (my fault - I have old eyes that don't cope so well with the teeny tiny text). But, ah... don't listen to me :)
from aryssa90 :
unfortunately, try as you may, you can't really force someone to live their life the way you think they should. she's in a horrible position right now but she's unwilling to listen to anyone so, the best you can do is be there for her, but at the same time you can't let this negatively effect you. You're going through your own things right now and you can't let someone else's bad choices bring you down. I learned that the hard way and trust me, it isn't worth getting depressed over someone else's life when they won't even take the steps to help themselves. with that being said, it's hard to see someone you love and care about doing this to themselves. Life just seems to throw all the bad shit at you all at once doesn't it? There will be good times, just keep your chin up and muddle through this best you can.
from stepfordtart :
Ooch. Yeh, Im sure she would appreciate it if you could manage to get in touch - Im sure it would be good for her to know someone is thinking of her. Its a real shame, but babies arent glue - they cant really stick together something thats broken already. I feel for her. s x
from stepfordtart :
Ummm...sounds like she could do with a friend around right now. You, on the other hand, could do with putting a little distance between you and the whole bunch of crazy you're dealing with. Any possibility you could go visit your friend? Could you scrape up the cash? Might do both of you the power of good - she'd feel less isolated and you'd get a chance to think about something else (and check out the situation with her and her BF) for a while. s x
from college-kid :
Holy crap on a stick. YEAH you should be pressuring her to come home. Jesus-H-Christ --pardon my language-- but a man should NEVER EVER put his hands on a woman. If she's preggers, doubly so! I definitely share your concerns. She needs to understand that he's broken and she can't fix him. I know that type-- you know, the type that always wants to make everyone better? Some people just don't change, and people who dwell on their childhood, no matter how horrible it was or wasn't, are some of those people.
from incshrnkmn :
Nothing wrong with what you did, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're allowed to do what you want. That's what being broken up means. Maybe this wasn't the right one, but you can't allow the old boyfriend make you feel bad. He's the one who opted out. His loss. And if that's how he processes things when he makes a mistake, imagine how cruel he will (has been) when you've made one. This is why you are moving on.
from stepfordtart :
Okey doke then. But remember to breathe. Oh, and come back here and tell us all about it when you feel a bit more together. We're all on your side so you can expect enormous amounts of "How Shocking! Poor You!" etc etc etc and a load of (((cyber hugs))) too, I expect! s x
from fatcowww :
Not once but twice did I date someone (the same person, twice, some years apart) who was a possessive maniac, so that when we were out together I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone unless he was right next to me (so he could drag me away if he didn't like what was being said). Should I dare to talk to anyone without him present he'd assume I was cheating on him, or planning to cheat on him, or laughing at him behind his back. I wasn't allowed to have a good time if he wasn't having one, and if he wanted to leave, I had to leave with him. And so on. It wasn't as bad the second time, but the control freak aspect was still there. So I do have some experience in this area... still, I do NOT see why your ex has any need to know what you did, with whom, or why. He didn't want to be with you, therefore he has no business trying to run your life (or make you feel bad). I wish I was there - I'd stand up for you (though I am useless at doing it for myself, of course). I'd also give you a ginormous hug. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON!
from college-kid :
You shouldn't feel bad. Alcohol lowers people's inhibitions-- something that may seem like a good idea at the time you may end up regretting later. I'm speaking from personal experience, I've been through what you're going through. Just accept it for what it was: a drunken, one night stand. Hating yourself is rather counter productive. By the way: Just because he's still interested in you doesn't mean you should go back to him. In my opinion.
from college-kid :
It's none of his business anymore, but I find it strange that he actually cares. At first, I was like, "Well, he has some nerve calling her. What a dick." But then as I read on I realized he actually cares for you. I'm not saying he's still in love or anything, but he seems to care. So... I guess what I'm trying to say is at least SOMETHING good came from it. (:
from scullerymaid :
Thanks for the add! I hope you enjoy the entertainment, haha. I read your latest entry and I just want to say that I've been in that boat a few times myself. But hell, we're in our early twenties! It's only a big deal if you think it is. God knows my first casual outing made me feel like a hooker. But as you grow and experience, those nights just become good tales to tell to the girls.
from teen-rebel :
haha, go for it. :)
from college-kid :
Psh! You're a single girl now! Who gives a fuck if you wanna have fun?! At least you were safe about it. Girls have needs too, you know. You are NOT a slut. You're a single gal. And that's that.
from college-kid :
I was like, "OMGWTFSHELOCKEDIT." And than I read your profile page. Thanks so much, hope all is well. <3
from stepfordtart :
Its a massive step for you and I think its perfectly OK to be completely freaked out. If you divide your life up into home/work/relationships you can rely on the other two if one's a bit wobbly: having a shit time at work? thank God for mum/lovely BF. Home life a bit shit? At least everyone in the office loves you and thinks youre clever. Etc etc etc. Trouble is, for you, all three are a bit on the flaky side at the mo and I think thats whats making it so difficult for you! It a lot to take on. Take a deep breath, get out there and know that your d'land friends are WILLING you to have the fun you deserve. Now I'll stop filling up your notes page with motivational speeches and you can get on with the business in hand! s x
from stepfordtart :
I dont think youre 'supposed' to do anything you dont want to do, dear. You dont even have to talk to this person if your dont want to, let alone anyone else. Talk to him if you like him, if you dont then what does it matter if you send him away? Think of him (or anyone else that comes on to you) as a little old lady. If that little old lady was nice enough, youd stay for a bit of a chat. If not (or if she seemed to be a nutter) you'd 'make your excuses and leave'. You can still do it nicely. Sure, smile and be friendly, but remember this is the 21st century and you have every right (as a woman AND as a human being) to say "Ok, Ive had enough of being around you now. Excuse me." and then walk away. You are not validated as a person by the amount of time you are able to stay civil to a knob head. s x
from stepfordtart :
yeh. "Normal". Even I was wincing as I typed that! Well, just do what you can! I wont be going out tonight as my red itchy blotch-face (see latest entry) has stopped itching but as swollen up so much that it looks like someone stuck two currants (for eyes) on a pigs arse. Boo Fucking Hoo.
from stepfordtart :
You dont have to answer ANY questions. "No, please, let's talk about something else. How's your mum?" ANYTHING but getting dragged into re-hashing the whole painful mess. You can blub into your pillow once you get back home. Tonight is all about 'Normal Kelly'. s x
from stepfordtart :
Practice this: "No, we're not together anymore and its still a bit raw so could we change the subject?". And boys who like you will still like you if youve just chatted like a regular person rather than a possible life partner. Pretend you arent single. You would have no problem chatting to a boy then, because there'd be no pressure, nothing at stake. Have a COUPLE of drinks, smile, relax. You'll be fine. s x
from fancyclaps :
your hair looks lovely!!
from stepfordtart :
Hoorah! Good for you. Im sure the cowboy boots are optional. Check shirt? Jeans? Grass stains on your knees? ;-) s x
from stepfordtart :
Look, Ive thought long and hard about this but I just cant hold on any longer. You know how you feel about the redhead and how mentally she's behaving over a boy that isnt even hers?......umm.....well.....THATS YOU, YOU DAFT BAT! There. I said it. I cant have been the only person thinking it (I think even you were, secretly!) so I dont mind taking one for the team and opening my mouth. The absolutely BRILLIANT thing tho, is that you can see how ridiculously she's behaving. I love it! That means that, in time (like, about a million years - Im not going to get too enthusiastic about this one!) you might be able to see just a teensy weensy little spark of "Oh, my goodness, was I really THAT bothered by HIM???" about yourself too. Yay for SuperKelly (and her GORGEOUS new hair!)! s x PS Hope this doesnt come out as sounding like Im having a go at you. Im not. Im actually laughing my silly head off at the whole thing. Now go get your cowboy hat and see if you can find somebody to ride off into the sunset with this weekend. Yee-Harrrr!!
from stepfordtart :
No worries. Thats what cyber-mums are for! s x
from fatcowww :
I used to have really heavy periods that went for 8-11 days. They actually got shorter and lighter after I had kids (it's meant to be the other way around). When I was on depo provera (the implant contraceptive) my periods stopped altogether. That was such a relief! You could consider that as an alternative, maybe, after talking to your doctor?
from loveherwell :
at times i have felt the "he wasn't worth any of it" type of thing about mine and eric's relationship... but i try to be positive and think, i learned such and such from this, (like how i will never let anyone talk down to me the way he did again, like how i am actually someone that other people would treat nicely and respectfully). i know you're hurting right now, but you can take good things away from it. <3
from stepfordtart :
No worries. Thats what cyber-mums are for! s x
from stepfordtart :
Yep, just come off it. If you decide to go back on, nip in the doctors and let them know. If you read he instruction sin the pill packet, they'll tell you which day to start taking them on (usually 1st day of your period), so if you need to you can go back on at any time. Just remember, you wont be 'safe' straight away (ie the 1st day)so youd need to use condoms/whatever until youve been back on it for ten days or so. Read the stuff in the box and it should explain all! s x
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry you had such a hard night. Change can be really scary and frightening and it can be really difficult to deal with but a lot of the times it ends up being for the better. Maybe you should look into getting another appointment with a counselor and go talk to them. It's their job to help you, to start you back on whatever path it is you want to take. You don't have to go through this alone (and you're not because it seems you have several readers who are there for you when you need it) and maybe talking to a counselor, getting a job and just keeping yourself busy in general will be some of the first steps you take to make yourself hurt a bit less and become happier with yourself. You're beautiful and deserve to be happy. I've said it before but, if you ever want to talk, drop a note :)
from stepfordtart :
Actually, dear, you look gorgeously gorgeous with OR without. I am jealous - I look like eminem when I havent got any makeup on. Thats not a good look for a middle aged woman. s x
from fatcowww :
Just to let you know I *am* still reading :) Everyone else has already said the good stuff, so I'll just stand here at the back and nod ;)
from aryssa90 :
what movie did you go see? and I wouldn't worry too much about the weight, I'm sure you get lose it quickly if you became a bit more active. And just letting you know, i mean, you don't really talk a lot about what you eat during the day, but alcohol has lots and lots of sugars and calories so...the amount of alcohol you drink could be what's effecting your weight. But like I said, I'm sure you could lose it super quickly and you're beautiful anyways! Don't let it get you down. And again, you're the one who's looking at the pregnancy thing in the right perspective, it doesn't sound like they're ready to be parents.
from loveherwell :
it's really weird to see people you grew up with actually become "adults" and have children and get married :/
from aryssa90 :
i feel ya...when my best friend (and the one I've known the longest-13 years) told me she was pregnant I cried a lot too. I was in shock and it severely pissed me off how she didn't seem to be taking it seriously. It's really hard growing up, especially when your friends start taking such extremely different paths than you and even than you thought *they* would take. Just hang in there. And you're not selfish to believe that if you would get pregnant you would abort it, I would do the same thing. It isn't selfish if you truly believe that you are not capable of raising another life-and that includes while it's still in the womb. So don't be so hard on yourself, having those beliefs doesn't make you a bad person and neither does wishing that you had someone there to cuddle with you.
from stepfordtart :
'Fraid so. They do. And google your name to see what else youve been up to. I used to do it all the time when I was employing people. My old boss also turned down someone for an interview who had a dumbass email address (daftslut69@yahoo or something like that) as he said she 'didnt even have the sense to make a new account with a businesslike name'. Employers are meeeeeeaaaaaannnn! Good luck with the work experience thing. M & S are good to work for - stacks of training and looks GREAT on a CV (so does John Lewis if you can get yourself in there at all). s x
from stepfordtart :
Well DUH! If you could already do it, what would be the point of going and learning? Oh, and yeh, dont call Dashing Job Centre Guy up and ask him on a date just yet. Wait til youve got a job and are out of his hair on a professional basis, then you can be all up in his face in a 'like THAT' way!! Mmmm Nail Art! Its the way forward, old pip! s x PS Im such a twat. I just left this note on my own page by mistake. I did. You can go see it. Its still there. *slaps self*
from stepfordtart :
haha - us d'land mums do like to dish out the words, girl! If you dont fancy something 'classroom-y' you could always see if you could learn something that would make a you a bit of cash on the side (supplement the ole JSA?) - floristry, catering, nailart, whatever. If you decide to do it, just make sure its actually something you WANT to know how to do, not something you think you OUGHT to know - that way you're more likely to stick at it. Oh, and its usually free for the scabby unwaged - sorry! I meant 'currently between employments'. ; ) s x
from fatcowww :
The second time TD's father left me I was in a state like you are now. I remember the acute emotional pain and the restlessness, the endless crying jags, feeling like I might as well not exist. Something I have learned over the years is that no matter how shit I might feel now, IT WILL PASS. Yeah, I still have some super-downer phases where I wish I could just exit this thing called life, but mostly I manage to hang in there (without doing a big freakout) because I know my brain chemistry is fucked and there is nothing I can do except take my pills and stay as calm as possible. The last thing you want to hear, I expect, is anything like "there there, you'll be okay" ... because everything is relative and it's shit NOW and that's what you're feeling. But please, please try to hang in there. Find something to distract yourself with (that maybe doesn't involve alcohol)... I know sleeping is a problem for you, which is a pity because it's my cure-all and it's what I like to recommend to others. *sheepish* <3 <3
from stepfordtart :
I think some people are certainly predisposed to have that kind of 'addictive' personality, and Im sure thats the sort of thing that must be genetic on some level or another. Also, if there has always been heavy drinking etc in your family, I think you are more likely to see those behaviours as natural/normal and therefore not something to be shocked/disappointed/etc at. I think you'd then not be too bothered (at first) if you started to exhibit those behaviours too as they'd be what you're 'used to'. Guess this means my daughters will soon be degenerate sluts....but jolly good at baking! s x
from pathofruwen :
It does help to get things out. Diaries can be rather therapeutic, I've found. :) You can always delete things later.
from loveherwell :
(hugs)
from stepfordtart :
How was the spag bol? I heartily recommend 'cooking as therapy' - I do it all the time. My kids are like "Mmmmm, cake!......Awww, mum, are you sad?" s x
from aryssa90 :
sending hugs your way! i know it hurts and your feel absolutely horrible but hopefully it's for the best. Now you can move on with your life and find someone who treats you properly. Hopefully you can go see that counselor soon! I hope you know that you DO deserve to be happy and to be treated properly. Love yourself, you're beautiful and special and one day you'll find someone who knows and appreciates that :)
from stepfordtart :
Recommend 'Christina Perri: Jar of Hearts' on repeat until you feel better, especially the 'who do you think you are/dont come back for me/dont come back at all' bits, sung at full volume whilst weeping and swigging outta the bottle. Off to Lidl now. Bet you wish you had my exciting life ; ) s x
from stepfordtart :
Onwards and upwards, matey.((hug)) s x
from stepfordtart :
WOHHHHHH! *is horrified (and slightly impressed!)* We once had to put Wee Treacle in the recycling bin to stamp down all the cans so we could get some more in (shameful when you consider that the bin men come every week around here!) but you seem to be beating us hands-down! s x
from stepfordtart :
Hahaha! OK, but the offer's there if you have a moment of desperation, and I AM relatively normal so no spazzing out would be required. You know that bit on your phone where you can store templates for texts? You could totally do a "are you out of your fucking mind, no you absolutely cannot come over, you self-centred tosser" one, and then when you get those 2am booty calls it would only need 'click, send' rather than writing it all out in full! The sun's out down here so we're off to the quarry. Might push L in the deep DEEP water...depending on how much of a twat he's being. Wish him luck! s x
from aryssa90 :
Perhaps the numb feeling will be good, maybe it'll give you the motivation to get him out of your life for good. You deserve better! Maybe then the rest of your life will start getting better and falling into place and eventually you'll meet a guy who is waaay better for you. I remember you wrote a bit ago about talking to a counselor but you had to wait for an appointment or something? Have you any word on that? Anyways, I hope you're having a better day and write me a note if you need to chat :)
from stepfordtart :
Deffo going to get better (but with minor outbreaks of crappiness)! Here: ((cuddle)). If you are that desperate for company, I can drive up and see you. Yes. Really. Essex is "day trip" distance from here and I dont go back to work until 5th Sept. Keep yourself busy over the weekend, go for a walk, get on a bus, just get OUT THERE! Apart from anything, fresh air is a really good mood-lifter. Oh, and switch your phone off - let HIM obsess over YOU for a bit. I dont think it would ultimately change anything but its one less thing for you to worry about! s x
from jimbostaxi :
Good luck with the job! :0)
from fatcowww :
What stepfordtart said. Also, {{{{{hugs}}}}}
from stepfordtart :
I saw you were online so I guessed you'd reply - I just sat here waiting! I am a saddo! Dont bother contacting him, save yourself the aggro. He'll get the message eventually! Get yourself into town, girl and GET THAT JOB! s xxxxx
from loveherwell :
hey, keep your head up--i hope the job pulls through. :)
from college-kid :
I can relate to those feelings-- the feelings of wanting, needing to be with that one person, even though they treat you like shit. But the truth is, they're a complete douche bag and they're not worth your time. And every second you're with them you're delaying the inevitability of someone amazing walking into your life. You're prolonging your happiness by forcing yourself to stay miserable. So. Gather up every ounce of strength you have, and let go. All it is, is a few clicks and button pushes.
from stepfordtart :
Hello dear! You know jolly well that you could not have coped with a baby back then, same as you wouldnt be able to cope with one right now. You also know that you did the right thing. Give yourself a break. s x
from fatcowww :
Quality of life is everything. The world has plenty of people already, so I don't think you owe anyone an apology for not going ahead with an unwanted pregnancy. Your reasoning is sound - I did exactly the same once upon a time. As for "forgetting" the anniversary, it's your subconscious trying to protect you. Don't beat yourself up over it. <3
from loveherwell :
yeah, it is true that everyone seems to always be in a hurry, that's one of the few reasons i'll be ready to get home. we went to a couple of clubs and it is... awful... lol not my scene at all! and i was actually really afraid i'd hate it myself, but i've had quite the good time while i've been here :)
from aryssa90 :
getting a job would solve EVERYTHING i completely agree.
from loveherwell :
haha of course!! i am not much of a city person but i do love london... and i actually adore the public transportation because i have to drive everywhere at home! it's a godsend haha. in cambridge we went punting on the little river between all of the colleges, it was gorgeous, definitely one of the prettiest places i've been since i've been over here! and the tate modern is very HUGE. and overwhelming. but still interesting :P
from the-grey-one :
;)
from stepfordtart :
Just like when you give up smoking, the poisons in your body are telling your brain "FEEEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEE" and theyll use every trick in the book to wheedle you into doing their evil bidding. I had another look at your unit counter entry and, yes, I can believe you are consuming that many units in a week (bearing in mind what I emailed you about my situation: There's about 2.5 units in a pint of Guinness x No. of pints per day x days in the week = HOW FUCKING MANY???). I dont know that you will ever be alcohol free, or even if that is something to aspire to for you, but to get it to a manageable (ie not harmful) level would be a good thing for you. If you arent sleeping, maybe try some kind of herbal supplement (Nytol do a herbal version) which might be better for you in the long run. Sounds also like your BF isnt keen on you doing anything that isnt his idea, but carry on doing things that make you feel successful, even if nobody else sees it that way. I dont think a counsellor would even bat an eyelid if they read your journal pages - lets face it, if you didnt need help, you wouldnt be going for counselling in the first place. Theyve seen it all, 100 times over, and worse. Just spill the beans and ask for help - you'll be surprised how many people step up. Have a good weekend (and stay off the special k, you daft bat!) s x
from stepfordtart :
Hello dear. Baby steps, baby steps : ). All the things youve done (ceiling fan notwithstanding!) are steps in the right direction. If you go for the counselling and you think youre going to find it difficult to talk when you get there, try printing off some of the pages of your journal - after all, they do tell it how it is! Stay in touch - you know where I am if you need me. s x
from lunarsea :
i'm glad you're still here and it's great to hear you want to get some help and do some kind things for yourself :]
from aryssa90 :
good luck, have a good day! if you need to chat leave a note or an email at holdhandsnskip3@yahoo.com
from aryssa90 :
well, I know for awhile she cut down to only like 2 glasses a night and then she went to one and then she just stopped. It took a bit of time and a lot of willpower but she stopped and she doesn't really drink anymore. She also distanced herself from people who would encourage her to drink because it was hard for her to say no. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe you can distract yourself with those, or like an activity...some people try to substitute one thing for another-like, when you feel like drinking go for a jog or write an entry on here. I know someone who quit smoking by eating licorice whenever they had a craving.
from college-kid :
I'm thinkin' yeah... You should probably be a little concerned. Just a tad.
from aryssa90 :
just from what you've written, it sounds accurate. My aunt used to drink a bottle of wine a night and when she completely stopped she lost around 20 pounds, not from dieting or exercise but just from not drinking. It's frightening looking at it that way but it's all the better if it will help you.
from loveherwell :
one step at a time.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty :0) added you to my list!
from stepfordtart :
All 130 meatballs (and sauce) eaten, plus 24 pitta breads and a pound and a half of grated cheese. The fat bastards. Sorry, no leftovers (not even for me!). Email sent. s x
from stepfordtart :
Okely dokely - I'll email you later tonight. At the mo Im cooking 130 meatballs for the Pool Team Supper but I'll get typing once I've delivered them! s x
from stepfordtart :
Ummmm, Im not sure whether to comment on this, seeing as I was a buddy from 'before' and I think you were getting fed up with people sticking their nose in where it wasnt wanted. If you like, I'll email you, then you can delete-without-reading if Im overstepping the mark. Your call, dear. *thinking good thoughts for you* s x
from aryssa90 :
you truly are very pretty! and omg, I love Pretty Little Liars, it's one of my guilty pleasures :)
from fatcowww :
You are so pretty! *is jealous* ;)
from tinea :
i'm happy you could look back on that and gain a little perspective, though i can't say i'm happy that it all happened. it does suck, like really bad. really really bad. but i think we all get to a point where we can no longer distinguish between fear of losing the person and fear of losing the habit. who will i talk to? who will i hang out with? who will i sleep with? and even though we can barely stand the other person anymore, we cling to them because we don't know what else to do. you already know what you want. you just have to figure out what you're really afraid of. now that i'm older? i realize that my GREATEST fear is wasting time feeling shitty. as soon as i realize that i'm no longer having a good time, i get the fuck out of there. you'll never get these minutes, hours, weeks of your life back. why spend them feeling miserable?
from lunarsea :
so, i know i don't even know you or him at all so it's probably not my place to say... but for what it's worth, i think life's too short to spend it being treated poorly by somebody. the more he tells you you're not worth his time, that will keep you down. i used to be with somebody like that, he used to tell me i was lucky he was around because nobody else would ever want me. it was a way of controlling me, you know? but it was bullshit and you deserve better, even if you don't think you do.
from aryssa90 :
glad i didn't upset you :) my username is aryssa90 password is locked20 :) my life is super boring as I've really got nothing going on at the moment haha.
from loveherwell :
you'll get through this whatever the outcome. <3
from aryssa90 :
i didn't mean to offend you and i'm sorry if i did. and for what it's worth, it's not fun to read about this sort of thing, I just know what it feels like to be completely miserable and alone. If you want me to take you off my list, I will. I hope things get better and I really am sorry if I upset you.
from loveherwell :
LOL oh my gosh that's hilarious!!
from aryssa90 :
added you, hope you don't mind! and I don't mean to overstep my bounds but, you really deserve someone who treats you nicely all the time. it sounds like he can be really verbally abusive and you don't deserve that, even if he does think you're being paranoid or whatever. anyways, like I said, I didn't mean to offend you and if you ever want to talk, I don't have much of a life (or much money) at the moment either. :)
from fatcowww :
What you are going through makes me sad. I have been there, sort of. I've had periods of alcohol dependency, but what really bites is the despair. I used to count the hours until I could call a friend in Canada because I had nobody locally I could talk to. You ARE worth something. I know it's hard to tell from inside your head, but you are worthy of love and respect. Addiction is a terrible thing. I know you've said you can't do AA, but you need something to help you forward. I don't know what to say :( but I want to help.
from fatcowww :
Heavens! Of course I don't mind! :)
from sofachild :
You make a lot of sense, in a very concise articulate way. Don't sell yourself short. x
from sofachild :
School years amount for a tiny percentage of our life. It is a happy-practically-true-factoid that the kids who were marginalised at school go on to make something good and special of their lives. Because those kids go on to create full adult lives. The "cool, popular" kids who decide they have achieved everything they possibly can by the age of 16 tend to stick, frozen in time, at that point because they can't imagine a world that is bigger than their tiny high school pond. So they marry their high school boyfriend and have kids ...and suddenly they're 21 and they're trapped in that life for evermore. Embrace your school years and be glad that it left you wanting more. There is so much more in the world to experience. Leave school behind, leave those kids behind, they are just that, KIDS. They were children who sought out cliques to feel like they meant something. It had nothing to do with you - it was all about them. Leave school behind. Your best is yet to come. x
from pathofruwen :
You are gorgeous! I love what you did with your hair!
from avantbedroc :
male contraceptive pill
from lunarsea :
nah you really do write well, because people want to keep reading. i think it's probably much better not to need it though. i only ever write on diaryland when i'm a wreck.
from lunarsea :
hope it works out for you! i really love your entries by the way, you write so well. just reading back a little bit now. i had to let out an angry noise when you said about that old man telling you smoking was unattractive. some stranger said a similar thing to me once. i just though errr... i wasn't doing it because i want to sleep with you??!
from lunarsea :
not that i even know you, but i just wanted to butt in anyway and say i wouldn't get the implant, i don't think i've ever met anyone who got on with it. all my mates who've got implants ended up being total emotional psychopaths on it. it is worth trying a different type of pill. i had problems for aaaaages until they gave me Yasmin and that one was okay.
from tinea :
oh my goodness! <3 <3 <3 so happy to see you.
from avantbedroc :
whoaaaa, everyone is coming up double trouble, it's flippin me ouuut!
from avantbedroc :
don't know how long it will stay that way but i love you so much i appear twice on favs page. so happy to see you again x
from pathofruwen :
Browse diaries enough around here, and you'd see what I mean. :) You've got your meaningless one-liner diaries, your diaries full of entries addressed to one particular individual like they think it's a private email, quote-based entries, etc. I prefer real-life accounts in one's own individualistic style of writing it. That's why I buddied you. :)
from pathofruwen :
Well, as far as rambling nonsense goes, yours is more coherent than most.
from sofachild :
glad to have you back, girl! x
from zenayda :
About that entry from June 30... Yep, someone noticed, over here in the States, old enough to be your mom. I hope you're able to get through the night without it, because it sounds like maybe there is some dependency developing here. Hope that doesn't make you feel bad or freak out. Just that some anonymous person out here did notice and hopes things get better for you.
from jaysthoughts :
A sincere scowl, is in my opinion, of my worth than a fake smile.
from gallinula :
Even though everything's boring and gone to shit, you are a great writer, and thank you for sharing your experience(s). :)

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