Here is a list of someday-'s favourite diary entries by other members:

Different people by speculating comment:   "I found myself walking through mounds of people; all sorts of different people. Short people, tall people, thin people, heavy people, longhaired people, shorthaired people, etc ... I had this overwhelming sense of wow-ness while walking down the hall. I thought to myself how amazing it was that there were all these people who were so different and yet from the same source of life. We are all created in the same manner and grow. It was extremely an odd sensation that came over me, but it felt so powerful ... Our ears, so intricate and cute, by which we let beautiful words enter. Our eyes, so deep and full of meaning, by which we see the resplendent earth before us. Our noses, so awkward at times, but yet so fun, from which we smell the extraordinary scents which nature has to offer. Our legs, our arms, our hands, our shoulders, everything! ... Like me and like you, we are all unique people who just plain and simple rock. I don�t know whether this has ever really occurred to me before, or if it did, I didn�t bothering spending much time speculating on it ... I really like thinking about how amazing it is that the body starts small and has the capability to grow into a full-sized adult. We begin so tiny and then end up much larger (and generally hairier). How cool is that? Our bodies are truly amazing things and it is definitely time we started taking care of them and thanking them for what they are, soul carriers, not materialistic ornaments by which a personality is masked." Him and Me by hungryangel comment:   "Would he still laugh with me so easily if he knew that I spend my whole day thinking about food and weight? Would he still hug me if he knew that I've stuck my finger down my throat in the past? Would he flirt with me still, if he knew that I had a very serious mental disorder? Could we ever have a relationship of he knew? Could he handle a girl with such problems that I have? Or would he just be freaked out, and walk away?" por favor by neon7c comment:   "i need a favor. those moments, when i actually do smile, please take a picture. then photocopy them. over and over. line a pretty box with the pictures. then make a tape of the smiliest, happiest, most melodious songs. put that in the box. giggle into the box. blow a kiss into the box. wrap the box with silver lame' paper [i like shiny things] ... put it in a closet, and don't forget about it. but when i need it most, on the darkest of my days, break it out. give it to me, and say 'this is what it was like, remember?' ... and hopefully, i will. i'll remember the feeling once existed, and that it can exist again." deliver the fatal blow by nofacejane comment:   "Still alive. Big surprise ... I'm feeling really left out of everything. Lonely would be the word, I guess ... I want to talk to people, but I have nothing to say. And I know they just get annoyed when I try to start a conversation. I want to hide forever. I don't ever want to have to talk to anyone again ... I hate the sound of my voice. I hate every word that I speak. I can find nothing good with myself... no reason for me to stay here. People don't care. They may speak the words, but their actions prove otherwise ... I haven't been this depressed in a very long time. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels happy. Even thinking of things that should make me happy just make me more depressed. Because I know I'm just fooling myself into thinking they'll last. Just like I do with everything ... I feel so hopeless again... like all I can do is watch everyone else and what is happening and see them moving further away but I can't chase after them and I can't call out and I can't move. There's just nothing left to live for ... I need out. I need out now. I need closure ... I just need this all to end ... I want to hide forever. I want to never leave my room. I want to never see anyone again and never speak to anyone again because all it does is cause trouble." Back. (just in case you missed me) by cuttingwords comment:   "I never could fully ignore the problems and confusing in my head. This external chaos is surprisingly peaceful ... But the thing is, it worries me that I feel this numb to everything around me. Although I think I have some idea of why I find myself not caring now. I've always been a people pleaser, wanting everyone else to be happy, no matter how my own happiness suffered. Now I've managed to take some responsibility for my own happiness, but I find myself unable to make everyone else happy ... I have finally given in to the fact that I can't fix everything ... instead of just accepting it, I've had to resort to this extreme, because I can't just care and not NEED to fix it. So I have to not care ... I'm a very black and white person. Everything is perfect or fucked up, never just alright. Black or white, never grey. Fixed or completely ignored, to the point where I can completely forget its broken, never in the middle, where failure is imminent, even though success may loom just past it. I give up too easily, for fear of failing once." Take a deep breath. by ellemalen comment:   "The past three weeks of my life have been the biggest wake up call I've ever gotten. But I'm home now. After eating disorder treatment ... I feel like I've been to Hell and back. But coming home tonight I realized that I'm really happy now. Happy with myself ... I never want to go back. Ever ... I've changed so much. Now I need to pick up my life from where I left it a year ago, when I was halfway normal ... I don't want to go into huge detail about everything about these last two weeks, but the memories are never going to leave my mind." consumed in entirety by ebony10 comment:   "I'm so exhausted. I don't think I could get up right now, even if there was a fire or something ... All day there was a war going on in my mind. Eat, don't eat. Eat...don't even think about it. You have to eat. No, you never need to eat ... When I close my eyes if feels like the room is spinning, rotating around. It's like if I don't open them again the centrifugal force will throw me off the bed. Shaking...especially my hands. I feel like my entire body has, more than usual, decided to attack itself ... My mind is just overworked. And I feel like it�s beating me, winning in its own little race to destroy its home. The truly ironic thing about an eating disorder is that when you want so badly to die, when everything is just entirely too much in every possible way, you don�t really end up that bad. You actually start to eat more (which is why you hate yourself) and sometimes you make progress and get better. Perhaps this is only because when you�re that low, there�s nowhere else to go except up. The other side of this is that when you truly try with all your might to take a step, or many steps, toward getting better, you inevitably get worse. Your mind takes on an oh-no-you-don�t attitude and suddenly is a much bigger force than you remember. The minnow becomes the shark and swallows you whole, usually mid-sentence as you�re trying to explain the logic behind not being so self-destructive." so help me god... by neon7c comment:   "i lost the ability to believe in anything but cruel jokes ... how do i build that wall of self-esteem back up, after it has been blown to smithereens? each time i have tried, i only get a few bricks down...my foundation isn't strong ... everything in me, that should be seen as beautiful, unique, creative, and eccentric, has been downgraded to be little more than a disease. a disorder. labels upon labels are now my definition ... the pieces are starting to fit ... the one thing that is missing is the first step. the initial catalyst that set off this bomb in me ... sure, there are suspicions, but no proof ... i have all this anger and heartache, and no one/where to direct it to. so i just lies inside of me. shaking. scared ... the sooner i find out why i'm no good to anyone, the sooner i'll be able to do something about it..." in which the world is stupid, and there's nothing i can do about it. by waterstain comment:   "i am not anti-war. i am not pro-war. after eight months of researching fully valid reasoning on both sides of the fence, i really have no idea which side i fall on, but i know that whatever side it is, it is completely irrelevant ... my time won't be spent demonstrating against the war, and it won't be spent proving the merits of the war. there are enough people to do both of those things. i suspect my time will be spent praying, and thinking, and hoping, and watching ... come what may, we'll hold on for the ride." Anorexia as reversion to childhood. by weighted-up comment:   "A bit of medical wisdom that I've always thought complete bullshit is the 'experts' assertion that eating disorders are an attempt to retreat into childhood, and avoid adulthood, by achieving a body type closer to that of a child ... I'd like to revise my opinion. It's true, but not for the reasons they believe it is. The point isn't to attain a childlike body, the point is to attain a child's responsibilities ... Children aren't held accountable for anything they do ... A child is responsible for exactly one thing in life: making himself happy ... Food and drink are possibly the first situation in life in which we actually gain control ... Lately, I've found myself thinking the exact sentence, 'I can't be an adult.' This fear, the fear of being able to handle any responsibility above 'eat or don't eat' makes me nervous ... I can't even complete that essential childhood responsibility: making myself happy. The fear of being unable to handle adult responsibilities, coupled with my inability to handle the only true childhood responsibility, leaves me only with the perceived ability to control food." home by shadow-s comment:   "sometimes people wonder - ask me - what the hell was so bad? why don't you ever explain why you feel this way? if only i knew. i don't. i don't know why anything happens the way it does anymore ... it feels right. it's what i do. it makes life and everything feel better for me ... i go in my bathroom and countless amounts of purges have happened there. in this room. the shower. i remember trying to kill myself ... the connections. the cutting here, on this bed ... little pieces of me would waste away and disappear ... how strange. when you see. my stomach is smaller than my thighs once were ... i lost almost 1/3rd of myself in this house ... 1/3rd of my body anyway ... probably most of my 'self' ... i want to lose weight, please, i want to disappear. suddenly my body is far too large. my face too fat. everything too big. i'm too big for this place. too noticeable. too seen. it stings ... don't worry, i'm not necessarily believing it all. but it's what is echoing through my head and hurting me head and hurting me deep inside ... blink back tears. 'i want to die - no, shush now - i want to die - can't - i want to die - no you don't - i want to die - eh - i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die.' ... who knows what's wrong w/ me. i'm tired of obsessing about it. i'm tired of thinking about it... i am nothing. i am everything. my inflated ego. my nonexistant one. who knows." plain and simple by step-inside comment:   "I wasted some time earlier and read diaries. I wish I hadn't. Almost every one I read was sad. I don't want to be sad. Why is the whole fucking world sad? ... Sometimes I wonder if people purposely create misery for themselves. I mean, subconsiously, because it makes them feel worth while. It creates a problem that they have to find a solution to. A purpose in life. Spending all my time focused on myself and my own misery doesn't sound like a purpose in life I want to have ... The phrase life is what you make it comes to mind. If you make life miserable, you're going to be miserable." fake happy by wonderwall- comment:   "I'm never happy. Always it feels like there's one thing I'm missing in my life, with that my life will be perfect. That's not true, and I know it. I'm in my own fantasy land and I can't even tell the difference between that and reality sometimes ... I isolate my self and I'm fully dependant on everyone. I can't be alone, but I'm alone all the time. I can't spend time with other people otherwise I spend days, even weeks, dwelling on how I shouldn't have said something or my hair looked horrible and that everyone there must hate me now. The smallest things are becoming unbearable for me ... Everything has a specific time and order when it should happen, when it doesn't then everything has gone to hell and I should just give up and isolate myself once again. And I do. The smallest comments can push me up or down. Certain people talking to me, being civil, makes me want to die. I feel like everyone is patronizing me. They all know. They all know that they have this power over me to make me want to die right then and there ... I just want to be the old, normal me, but I don't even know if I have one of those. This is all so routine." home. by nourish comment:   "What when, ... 'find home in your heart' has meant 'it doesn't exist outside'? ... What then? ... Finding love for yourself does not mean losing hope that you will find love for you in others. Find and fuel your heart with the understanding that it's an invaluable tool, a key, to all that you want in life ... The home in your heart gives you all the magic you need to find the home outside ... Your heart is the storebox of all your emotions ... When you know your heart, you feel an incomparable peace within yourself ... You are the one who chooses at any time, who stays, who goes, and what you need. What you need, how you feel, always takes precedent in the concept of *your* home. Build it with yourself in heart ... Love because at all times, there is no better choice. And start that love within yourself ... believe in yourself, believe in your own brilliance." stuffing my face by wonderwall- comment:   "Bulimia is sucking the life out of me ... what the fuck is wrong with me? ... When I can't handle "this" and "this" is living a normal life, something is seriously wrong ... I need better hobbies. Eating and puking is hardly a hobby, and cutting myself up isn't one, either." a day in the life by imbuemyblue comment:   "i just want to say that i never did abandon that nice, neat little 80. so tidy and so clean and just right. but as always, i would prefer anything different than now." new month, new hopes by anadoll comment:   "i have hope though. it's march now, and march is a beautiful month. it's a beautiful, sunny day. there are an incredible number of people who care for me. and i'm not going to be defeated!!" integration by neon7c comment:   "integrating all the pieces of my life. how do i do that? ... i wish, sometimes, that i could flash a neon sign, or send a memo to the world, saying 'look. i am meant for something different. i'm not meant for the everyday. i'm not meant for the mundane. i know it so hard to understand, but please just be happy for me.'" square one by step-inside comment:   "I feel disgusted by life, by myself, by everything ... How do you figure out what you want when you don't want anything? ... I don't want to feel better. I don't want to feel worse. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to die ... Nothing can be done for you when you are in such a state ... no matter how great things are, no matter how alright I sometimes feel...I'm never alright and I'm always going to end up back at square one." never see this day again by nofacejane comment:   "I hate this. My mind makes me think this is the only solution. Parents being mean? It's cause you're fat. Starve. Friends being mean? It's cause you're fat. Starve. Feeling like a whore? It's cause you have 'curves' and boys are looking at you. Starve. Feeling fat? News flash: You are. Starve. I'm ready to disappear." This Is My Own Undoing by rouge99 comment:   "I feel so empty right now. Nothing can fill the void anymore. Not food, distractions, nothing�it just keeps getting worse. Each time something insignificant happens, I feel hurt and more of the emptiness consumes me. If I do find something to fill the void it�s gone before I can enjoy it. I am left with an even bigger hole." my life has been over for a while by grahamc comment:   "I'm so depressed. I don't even enjoy this stupid diary anymore. I don't feel like reading other people's diaries either. This is pointless. I just want to die right now ... I don't want to live anymore. Not like this. Why can't I be free from this body ... I'm an addict. I suck. This is shallow ... I don't even know what I'm saying. Somebody please take me away from this life, from this world." Salvation Is The Key, O Will They Save Me? by dimstar comment:   "My world is caving down around me. Am I going to die? I do not know how long I can continue to binge, to purge, to skip my insulin. I do not know how long I can go on with every waking morning being a struggle to get out of bed. It hurts to walk very far. I hide my pain with a smile, sad eyes, like broken windows are the only thing that reflect my true pain. It is easy to hide ... Once so full of life, so energetic, bouncing from place to place, tying up the phone line, playing all sports, being praised for my amazing academics and involvement in the community, along with extaordinary diabetes management for my age, I am now none of this. I am just a drain on society, an invalid ... I dream of better times, a brighter future, I dream and hope that I will never wake up ... I am never good enough ... I have fallen down the rabbit hole, and it is so much deeper than I thought ... I remember standing in front of the mirror ... saying to myself, "I can quit when I want. I'm not anorexic. As soon as I get thin enough I will gain back all the weight by eating whatever I want, and I will be happy." ... Then it became that I would quit when I was dying. ...It never stopped ... I so desperately want to escape this prison, to see the light, to regain the sparkle in my eyes ... I want to jump out of bed in the morning and not feel as if I am going to not be able to draw my breath, to not have an elephant on my chest, to not have my heart flutter like a bird with broken wings ... I want to live. I want recovery." Either Or by ciulionn comment:   "Why do I hold out hope? Why do I teeter on the edge knowing I'm going to fall but still believing I can fly instead?" uggggggh by megsnyc comment:   "But as I look at myself every morning, and still compulsively weigh myself every morning, right after I get out of bed, I say to myself: What is a number? Why should I be defined, and why should my DAY be defined by a number that happened to stop the scan on the dial? Do I look different? (looks in the mirror): honestly no. I look the same. Am *I* different? (looks within myself) No. I am the same exact person as I was yesterday. Nothing has changed. I'm still me. So why not accept that." Short story: A Day in the Life of Me. by w-barbie comment:   Food for Thought by hungryangel comment:   "How am I suppose to conquer something that is a part of me?" look inside me by thinmia comment:   not good enough by neon7c comment:   "i wish i had a reason ... that validates all that i am and am not ... there is no glam, no aura, no light ... there is just me ... and that just simply isn't good enough..." A scene becoming all to typical of me... by cuttingwords comment:   "She shoves the final bites of cheese pizza into her mouth ... She makes her way to the bathroom, and watches as an entire large pizza makes its way down the porcelain toilet bowl. (Is it really her? She can't be sure anymore.) ... She falls to the floor, a heap of shame and desperation ... (I can't do this anymore) ... She cries as he walks away. Cries because she wishes her lies weren't so convincing..." the same inside by ebony10 comment:   "Disorders are classified into way too many categories ... underneath the symptoms, the cause may very well be the same ... Two people with supposedly very different problems may in fact have that same ball of fury inside them, twisting and burning and pushing them to their limits, except that they choose different directions to take their desperate attempts at coping in ... But what pushes them in any direction at all could be the same. None of them know how to deal ... This thing is too much to handle. It matters not that once the thing is gotten rid of, they won�t exist. It�s far more important to be free of this ... it�s impossible to imagine that anyone else could feel what you feel and know what you know and even then know exactly what to do about it ... All those other people (in their minds) think they are perfect and incapable of anything less than being Great and Awesome and Perfect. And they can�t be wrong because, since there conveniently isn�t any middle ground, not being all of those wonderful things would simply mean that you are nothing. You are worthless. Or worse, you would blend in. You wouldn�t be anybody ... We can�t be brilliant all the time. This one fact makes you incredibly angry with yourself, since you are a perfectionist anyway and can�t tolerate such things. Soon you are convinced that everything else is your fault too, and therefore have the perfect excuse to go on hurting yourself. Because it�s all your fault ... If you were gone, there would be no Incredible Thing to achieve, no High Expectations to live up to, no constant worry and no murky depression. Of course, if you were gone there wouldn�t be you, but isn�t that The Point?" help me by joker-m comment:   "How do I not hate myself everytime someone pisses me off ... How do I not want to kill myself everytime someone berates, belittles, pushes my temper, or challenges me. How do I stop the thoughts of suicide, death, razors, puke, ribs, and blood from flashing inside my skull. How do I stop hating myself. How do I stop hating myself. How do I stop hating myself ... This simple answer to that question is, I don't know ... Depression sits on my chest, worse than the bulimic chest palpitations, and it too, takes my breath ... No matter how thin, or fat, or fucking ugly, or pretty anyone else ever said I was, I will continually hate myself, and reflect it with the blood, and the razors, and the scars from them ... I need help. I need someone to cry on. I need someone to understand me. I need someone to pretend they understand me, and to not show me that they think I'm insane, just for a few minutes a day. I need hope. I need love. I need a life. I need peace. I need quiet. I need serenity. I need solitary confinement. I need death. I need black. I need darkness. I need God. I need light. I need hate. I need blood. I need puke. I need rage. I need smiles. I need a broken heart. I need talent. I need appreciation. I need a goal. I need self esteem. I need something, anything, that isn't me ... Even if nothing is left, but an empty shell, where I used to be. Heaven will turn its face, angels, and golden gates, away from me. Forever trapped in my self inflicted hell. Into the eternal death I know so well." everyday it's just something new with me by onmyown comment:   "I feel like I'm missing something. Something everyone else has inside of them, but somehow I got deprived of ... All my life, I wanted to be different. Now all I long for is to be normal." Bottomless Paper Bags. by trancejen comment:   "Several guestbook signers asked me what it is that I want ... I wish I knew. I really don't have a clue. I am very out of touch with what I want ... binge food cures all ills. It is love, it is solace, it is a friend, it is a hug ... I know that I am freaking out. I am crossing that line that separates 'moderately fucked up' and 'seriously fucking wrong' ... I'm not even crossing that line anymore. I am pole vaulting over it ... I know that I need to stop, and I know that I need to grow up and quit crying and quit vomiting and quit being childish and quit wishing for everything to go away and start trying to do something about it, but I don't know what to do." Paradox by emaciated- comment:   "A persons face is what makes them beautiful. Not their body ... Weight plays a part, but ... Fat doesn't disguise beauty, thinness disguises insecurity ... The eating disordered mind thinks ... losing weight period will make a person attractive ... looks past the outside, past the inside and positions themselves right underneath a person, gauging how many pounds of weight a person adds to the world ... An anoretic cures insecurity by wasting it away. Their insecurity lies in their fat. And though they very well may be able to waste away every last ounce of fat on their body, confidence never reveals itself from underneath. A person can starve themselves into oblivion... leaving 60 pounds of skin and bone... and still, not even a smidgen of confidence will be found ... Fuck anorexia." hate by neon7c comment:   "i hate this. i hate disrupted sleep. i hate being sick. i hate having this disordered mind ... i hate my luck. [or lack thereof]. i hate when i try so hard to be good, and sweet, and perfect, and i FUCK IT UP. or something else comes along and FUCKS IT UP FOR ME. i hate being alone. i hate feeling alone, when i'm in a room full of people. i hate when i hate what i see in the mirror. i hate when what and who i am just isn't good enough." I will be lifted from the ground... by weighted-up comment:   "I keep going in circles. No progress. Eating, not eating, it's always back and forth. I change whenever I feel I've lost control ... I want to make progress. I want to be something ... So what if I don't want to eat? It's something that I have to do if I want to get anywhere at all. If I want my body and mind to function. If I want to be happy ... I'm not stupid. I know I'm not stupid. I just get caught up in circles ... If I can score a 136 on an IQ test while bleary-eyed and foggy-brained from lack of sleep and food, what the hell could I do if my brain actually had enough rest and carbohydrates for it to fucking work properly? ... I disgust myself because I am my own worst enemy. I kill my brain, I repress my personality and opinions, I destroy my body ... Haven't I been at the bottom long enough? Isn't it time to fucking rise already? Rise, and stay there. Not back down the minute I get close ... It has got to get better than this." Goodbye by mia-baby comment:   "Eating without tasting ... Swallowing without chewing ... Searching for the golden prize hidden in the box ... There is no one here to stop me ... No one here to catch me ... No one here to see me ... I�ve realized no one cares ... I�m living here to die ... Waiting here to die ... My soul's already dead." Twisted Mirrors by hungryangel comment:   "Plastic smiles and salty tears ... Skinny bones and twisted mirrors ... Diet cokes and sunken eyes ... Laxatives and crafted lies ... Crazy thoughts and long cold days ... Voices that won't go away ... So much drama, lots of tears ... And dirty, evil, twisted mirrors" The Big Two Nine. by trancejen comment:   "What have I learned this year? I've learned that skeletons don't dissipate due to mere wishes. I've learned that I can lose my footing even when I am being supported by some of the best people around ... I've learned that I need to make a serious effort to change my behaviors and habits rather than simply wishing for a better attitude ... This year I want to prove myself worthy of that love and affection and trust, and I want to make great strides in terms of becoming the type of person that I can face in the mirror without guilt or shame." satisfaction by warmplace comment:   "Why do I need to over theorize and analyse my life as if it�s some huge mess of stuff that needs analysing? Maybe I just need to let things go and live more in the moment. I need to let myself be happy when things are nice ... Maybe everyone is always hoping that their life will improve and whether or not you are happy only depends on accepting the good things you have or constantly wallowing in hopes and wishes ... I must believe in being satisfied. Because I think I�m ready to live." Sometimes the world slowly drifts away. by girls-suck comment:   "Sometimes you just need a hug ... Words don't really fit to my emotions. They are scattered ... I'm grasping on to this figment of my imagination. Holding on tightly to this aura that doesn't exist ... I'm at a loss." I no longer care. by weighted-up comment:   "Eating and drinking take time away from living. I want to drink in the world, consume all of it, and the easiest way to do that is not to eat or sleep ... My body, and my brain, can fuck off." what I found by silver-ana comment:   "There never is a thin enough. Thin enough is when the problems go away ... If only I were thinner, I would be apreciated. If only I were thinner, I would be praised. If only I were thinner, I might find love ... I didn't find those ... I found clumps of hair in my shower. I found that I couldn't keep warm. I found bruises on my hip bones from the jeans hanging on them with no fat to pad it. I found myself in a deep depression. I found it difficult to trust myself to eat without binging. I found larger bags under my eyes, that I couldn't cover up. I found that my fingernails were purple from lack of circulation. I found that my heart would go crazy if I did eat a normal meal ... I found that I was boring, because I couldn't talk about anything but food, because it was the only thing on my mind." Fear of the unknown... by asphyxiant comment:   "part of me wonders if my ED was born as a kind of coping mechanism for this obsessive compulsive need to start over and have everything perfect ... Just one more time. That's what i always say to myself. This is the one, big, major, last, last time. And now everything will be perfect." starving waif by warmplace comment:   "I wish I didn�t have to eat food. If you are a recovered alcoholic, you can stop hanging out in dingy bars and stop purchasing alcohol, but when you have a food addiction, you still must be confronted by the torture of eating three times a day. It�s like telling an alcoholic that they still need to have three drinks scattered throughout the day, but they must remain in control." The Enemy Within by ciulionn comment:   "It's hard to heal when the most fearsome enemy is yourself. You can find the vulnerabilities with ease. You know where to strike so that it is sure to do the most damage. Then you don't forgive yourself for it afterwards and the cycle repeats itself." The Perks of Being a Wallflower by sad-doll comment:   "He tried another poem ... And he called it Absolutely Nothing ... Because thatis what it was really all about ... and he gave himself an A ... And a slash on each damned wrist..." [poem] Time to travel on by mindspin comment:   "I wish I could shut the door on destiny and freely live my life ... Reflecting on this year, I find myself often wondering how I so easily became obsessed and missed out on the important parts, or the big picture ... I wanted to live in the past, drown in the kisses, and never again have to face reality." the way it goes by neon7c comment:   "god, i wish i was still high. not high as in drugs, but high as in mood. as in floating. as in manic ... and i feel guilty ... guilty for letting my friends down on a daily basis. guilty for being so selfish in my sadness ... the lows are getting lower and i can't stop it ... that's just the way it goes." Not today... by cuttingwords comment:   "I miss the days when I was ignorant. When I didnt even know what purging was. When I didnt know what bulimia was. What anorexia was. Or when it was only a disease that movie stars had ... I miss being able to eat lunch without argueing with myself over whether or not to keep it down ... I miss being able to look in a mirror and not immediately turn to the side to examine my figure." I'm tired of everything by grahamc comment:   "I cannot bear day after day after day of this anymore. It seems like the days just stretch on inevitably ... I'm so tired. I'm sick. I don't have a virus or anything, but my body is so tired of vomiting and starving ... What is wrong with me? Seriously, I want somebody to tie me down because I really cannot take care of myself." I hate this some days :( by freedom2fly comment:   "... all I could think about was how sick and tired I am of never having any energy, never having food in me, always starving ... Why can't I focus on NORMAL ISSUES, anything but myself???? I am so self centered it makes me sick." taking the plunge? by brokenwords comment:   "I know exactly where the one I am leading goes to, and it isn't where I want to be. I want to take that jump, walk that plank, leave this place, but what if there is nothing on the other side?" The rarity is normality. by weighted-up comment:   "Anorexia is merely a more fearful version of the normal human being. Like the faceless masses, we are insecure and unremarkable. We have no special glow because tragedy is the state of being of 90% of the world. Look around. Most of the world is in pain. Tragedy is common, and quite mundane, though it does take many different forms. The rarity is happiness, confidence, and comfort in one's own self. The rarity, in fact, is what is often perceived as 'normality.'" escape by x02 comment:   "I�m slowly losing my sanity, and I know that it will only get worse the deeper into this I fall ... when will it be enough? Ever? Probably not ... I don�t want to be completely consumed in this eating disorder hell ... You feel so secretive all of the time. You don�t think about anything else. Who cares about anything else, when you could be thin, in control, and beautiful in every sense of the word? Kill everything else. It. Doesn�t. Matter ... To be completely honest, I don�t want to end up in some hospital because I weigh 75 pounds and I�m having heart attacks because I walked across the room ... Most of all, I just want to be happy." the bulimic experience by visiblebones comment:   "Tomorrow I'll be good. Tomorrow I'll be thin. Tomorrow I will eat only fruit and I will exercise for 2 hours. Tomorrow things will be okay. Tomorrow.... tomorrow.... tomorrow..." The White Flag of Idealism by ciulionn comment:   "I'm surrounded by people I care about. That's more than a lot of people have. But as the weather gets colder by the day and the holidays rapidly approach, I can't help feeling that it would be nice to cuddle up next to the fireplace with someone." not supposed to know by ebony10 comment:   "Sometimes I wish I could just be born again and start over. Maybe so many things would be different. I�m just so tired, so worn out from trying to be me. And I can�t even really explain it ... I�m so sick of being so cold all the time. And even when it�s warm...I�m still always cold at the core. I feel like my bones are cold. But...I do need to be. When I�m not I worry that I�m eating too much ... Today in class someone mentioned EDs in his presentation, and he had it all wrong ... It�s hard to comprehend how something that�s like breathing to me is so alien to them. It didn�t make sense, and yet it made perfect sense. They�re all normal. They�re not supposed to know." The positive of negatives by ciulionn comment:   "The context of a photograph changes with every lesson learned since it was taken." what exactly am i trying to say here? by step-inside comment:   "There are all these times that I go back and examine my life and wonder who I was and what I was doing. And it scares me because I feel as if I don't know myself at all. I don't understand anything about life or who I am or what I'm doing. How am I supposed to get anywhere if I don't undrestand anything?" Why by fizaa comment:   "I hate this feeling so much. Where there are tears welled up in my eyes and a big lump in my throat but I can't let anything out because i'm just to numb. Where every inch of my huge body is aching and sore and asking to be put of its misery. Why do i feel this way? ... Sometimes I think if I could just figure out why I could make things better. If I just knew why I could fix it. I sit in the corner of my room all hudled up and hiding, but from who or what I'm hiding I don't know. Am I hiding from myself? Because i'm afraid of admitting what's really going on. Or am i hiding from others because i'm tired of being hurt? ... I want to give up." giving up bulimia? by step-inside comment:   "I don't want to starve and puke myself ot death. I want to, dare I say it, adopt a healthy lifestyle ... It is of course not healthy to eat until you can't eat anymore and then stick your fingers down your throat and spit out pieces of your esophagus ... This is a problem, I'm addicted to it. It's my response to almost everything now ... How am I ever supposed to deal with anything if everytime I'm upset I just b/p?" morning after Thanksgiving by onecutabove comment:   "I'm not feeling as ecstatic as I used to about the weight loss. It's like the lower I get, the more I feel like it's just another day, another number. I want my old excitement and joy back. Where has it gone?" the choices we make by fluency comment:   "there was my key to greatness. and i passed it up for what? sticking my finger down my throat?" everything is wrong by imbuemyblue comment:   "just once, i want to have a day where everything goes right ... i should be able to just say stuff and i never do, for fear of what people will think. i always need to explain things or justify things. i think i don't give people enough credit. but i can't help thinking everyone in the world is against me sometimes ... somehow i feel that if someone is completely into my mind, i just won't have myself anymore. i will cease to exist. how can i be me anymore if i've showed all of me to another person?" too bad by cuttingwords comment:   "I feel disgusted. I feel out of control. I feel worse than I have in a long time. I hate myself. I'm back to basing my self-worth on these numbers. I'm back to insanity ... I run to my bathroom, stare in the mirror for a long minute, then turn and jam my fingers down my throat ... my only wish is that I'll get out of this mental prison. too bad I'm the only one who has a key. too bad I can't bring myself to use it." everything's plastic, we're all gonna die by imbuemyblue comment:   "do you know how i cope? how i adjust? come on, take a wild guess. it begins with a b and ends with a p. or maybe it is just not eating at all. maybe it is making friends with razorblades. maybe it is hiding in bed, or making elaborate starvation plans that i know won't happen but i like to think about anyway. maybe i obsess over numbers. maybe i take chemicals to change my state of mind. maybe a lot of things. and maybe all of them ... if i can classify myself, if i can fit into some kind of category, then i'm okay. not okay as in sane, but okay as in being someone. knowing who or what i am." reflecting by just-fine comment:   "I wonder where the real me went? The girl who had hopes, dreams and prospects. She felt sadness, anger, embarrasment, but she also felt happiness without guilt. I hated her, i hated the way she acted, the things she said, i've never liked myself but i hate the imposter thats taken her place even more." by prettyskinny comment:   "There are days when it's as if I'm floating on my back on a calm sea, gazing up at a clear, blue sky ... Then, night falls ... All of a sudden, without any warning, you are plunged into darkness so thick ... There is no sky, but it doesn't matter because your head is completely submerged now. You're drowning, and there's no one to help you ... the path back to normalcy doesn't exist anymore." how? by step-inside comment:   "Sometimes I want to be left alone, I can't stand dealing with anyone. Other times I want to reach out to people. I can't reach out and avoid people at the same time." low by just-fine comment:   "I'm so down and empty, but still i continue to push everyone away, so scared of letting people see me in this dark light, seperating myself furthur and furthur, running, them unbothered and almost oblivious. I'm here, alone, with my blades, my scars and this sadness and it's all my fault." life and learning by visiblebones comment:   "I've spent so much time... so much fucking time... puking, starving, obsessing, and being an all around general idiot, that I've blocked out any chance of happiness or even a tiny speck of it to come into my life. I think that if maybe I can try and get some little bits of things that make me smile in my life every day then maybe I can be okay. Maybe." the hue of you by fluency comment:   "i can learn a new language. i can run a marathon. i could be a freaking brain surgeon if i tried. but i can't live in my own skin." - by imbuemyblue comment:   "i am completely blank. no cutting and no eating and no purging and no anything else bad that i might do. i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know ... everything will only make me feel worse ... maybe i just need to be scared in the dark ... i want to cry and i want to eat and i want to throw up and most of all i want to see my gorgeous red blood ... no i dont." the things I never say by angel-stars comment:   "When I hear the rain pour outside I wonder how it would feel against my skin and in my hair, soaking it, leaving the ends to tangle and the mass of it to lie flat and limp across my shoulders and down my back. I wonder how cold it is, if I would shiver as it streamed down my cheeks and got caught in my eyelashes ... What I think about now is how I say I don't really miss him, and I'm definitely not in love with him anymore, but I know that if he were to come into my room right at this instant, press me down on my bed and touch me, kiss me, I would never push him off of me. I couldn't, because he can do that with me. His very presence warms me, it makes me feel weak all over, I can't take my eyes off of his body, I crave his hands, and his tongue on mine, and I want everything male about him." The world by mindspin comment:   "In the past, when someone would ask me, What's wrong? I'd reply, 'nothing.' Now, when someone asks me, What's wrong?, I reply, 'the world.'" Cinomed by visiblebones comment:   "You play with fire and sooner or later you will get burned. ... and how much it hurts when you really, honest to god, thought it would never happen to you." searching for love by x02 comment:   "i want to find love, but i don�t know how. i don�t know where to begin." go for broke by step-inside comment:   "You sit there listening to the teacher babble, thinking about western civilization and why in the world anyone would bother defending it. You wouldn't care if Iraq bombed us ten hundred million times over, as long as they made sure to kill you in their attacks." abstractions by ebony10 comment:   "If you are looking over your shoulder at what you're running away from, you're liable to run directly into it." mirror girls without time by imbuemyblue comment:   "i exist only in the here and now. memories, i have, but they don't work quite right. paper memories, photocopied from somewhere. not really mine. the future, tomorrow, ten minutes from now, is not real, will never be real. the past, probably happened, but who knows? how can that be proved?" better by mylostdream comment:   "i don't have anything. i want joy. but i can't think of anything that makes me happy. He said I needed to build my life, strive for mental health, and i will get those things ... there has to be something better than this." same old crap by sharpsecret comment:   "every morning i just dont want to get up, and face another battle with food, and myself ... i want to jump out of my mind ... bulimia is a best friend who stabs me in the back. All it does it take from me." a day. by neon7c comment:   "i think it's ENTIRELY more complex than "she's depressed." arrgh. there's a lot of thoughts. obsessive ones. actions. doubts. compulsive. impulsive. emotional. off the hook." just some thoughts by ivorylily comment:   "I could be happy, if only by myself. Everything made sense in my cold little ice world ... Emotions get in the way, they're too hot to touch. I'd much rather freeze them away. Starve them away." A release of regret. by weighted-up comment:   "The desire to puke is regret, I think. The desire to take back the recent past, whether the past is the consumption of food, or some other event. Puking offers a release of that regret, and thus allows the puker to move on with their life." we're just...here by angel-stars comment:   "How many of you wish you weren't here right now, wish you were at home in bed crying, or maybe even dead? How many people in this basement study area have tried to kill themselves? How many find themselves gazing into nothing, or forgetting where they are?" i want to live by angel-stars comment:   "Sometimes I smile because someone has genuinely made me smile...and it's those times that I will live for." taking the step by angel-stars comment:   "I always envisioned a cliff between the place I was and the place I thought I wanted to be." overturned by tinkerbell10 comment:   "Little by little the obligations and tasks seem to strip away bits of me until all there is left is a girl who needs to sleep for 3 days straight once finals are done ... lately, no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem to be enough ... I'm so easily overwhelmed and driven to tears by it all ... it's just overwhelming, all of this. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could juggle more and stay true to myself at the same time." this much i know by fluency comment:   "one failure will overshadow many successes. that is ana's hold for me." cake by visiblebones comment:   "Maybe I will 'run away' to a neighboring city for a couple days. Stay in a hostel or something. Hmm. And all because I don't want to deal with cake." an anorectics workout by visiblebones comment:   "Push through your workout. Go faster and faster because the pain is weakness and you have to prove that you are not weak." An apple is an apple. by weighted-up comment:   "I looked at the people, to see the society I am now becoming a part of. They're not thin. In fact, I'm thinner than most of them. You have no idea how much of a shock this is to me." crazy control by imbuemyblue comment:   "today i am completely in control, and it feels so good. i don't know how long i'm going to go with this, either till i decide i've had enough, or till i break down and lose control. whichever comes first, i guess." Reel big smile by mindspin comment:   "To any one who thinks that their personal situation seems tough at the moment.. you have to make your life worth living. It's your's, and it's the only one you get. Make the best of it. I know I am." when you get sick of it all... by blonde-blue comment:   "At first it was a novelty. A hobby. Seeing how far you could push everyone around you, doctors, parents... seeing what they would let you get away with. Most of all pushing yourself. Now, they've seen it all. You feel like you've done it all. The starving, the excessive exercise, the bingeing, the purging, the laxative, diuretic and diet pill abuse... getting down to BMIs of 13.5 ... what else is there left to do apart from die?" I spend each day the way I start out, crying my heart out by insidelies comment:   "So... tired of it all. Don't you just get tired of it all? Gone are the days ... When ... I could hide myself in a book, a painting, an essay ... They had feeling. They were real ... What I live now is so unreal ... I'm so untouched by it all. Unfeeling, untouchable, and broken." bulimia by wire-ending comment:   "Flush the pain down the toilet ... And walk down the hall like nothing has happened ... Feel the emptiness punch a hole ... Inside your heart ... This isnt going to go away ... And you will never win this race ... Lose 10 lbs ... Make that 20 ... No, wait, 30 ... Woops, I didnt mean to die."

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