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don't be embarassed. i get UTIs all the time, and while i have never full on peed my pants, i have dribbled on occasion, and trust me when i say that i have that urgency feeling so bad that i wish i could just pee my pants. go to another doc. it sounds like something more than just a latex allergy. xoxo - me

from ramble-on :

I am not certain if my diaryland account is working at the moment. Read:Not sure if I paid for it this time around! So try ivelostmykeysagain at yahoo.com Thanks!!

from ramble-on :

San Diego? I would do almost anything to move back there. I lived there for almost two years, until I ran into the worst EX I have ever had. Be warned, if you run into a guy named Steve, run. Enjoy

from abittergirl :

I don't know the answer to your question, but when you find out why it is that YOU girls don't have boyfriends, pass the secret on to me, k? I can't find one to save my fucking life. Even an ugly one.

from theswordsman :

Sorry things aren't going well at the moment. The gym strike is cancelled. Take care of yourself. John

from theswordsman :

Okay, I just worked out eight days in a row. I really want to see pictures of you in a swimsuit when you're happy with the way you look. I'm now on strike from the gym until you mention in a post that you went. Hah!

from mozangeles :

Dude, those 909ers can be really scary people. Just look at that place! I have never so many factories or dirt. No wonder they are pissy. xoxo - me

from theswordsman :

Congrats on getting to the gym three days in a row. Please keep the swimsuit handy so you can share your "after" pictures. Take care. John

from ramble-on :

I thought I was the only person who said "Hey Chica" to people. Nice to know I'm not alone!! Wootwoot! I do appreciate your offer about my resume, and may just take you up on that. It is nice to know there are people willing to help and offer support. I just hope I did not come off as some self-rightous brat or something like that. Gah, I'm just so stressed out right now it's like I can't see clearly. Thanks =0)

from singlegirl :

You do look young! I like your green eyes. I have green ones too and I get so many compliments on them.

from rae2005 :

i am having trouble motivating myself to work out consistently too. :) thanks for the note - you are a sweetheart!

from mozangeles :

You look amazing in that picture! And your friend looks gorgeous. Aw, wedding fever comes again for me... xoxo - me

from sarabellem :

a-that lid looks really cool on you! b-your right. this is what you have to remember. its okay to want someone bad. if they don't want you back the same way you can still want them...but they aren't worthy of you anymore. you can love and fight it out but only a man who worships you is worth your time!

from mozangeles :

I am sorry, sweetie! That sounds so harsh, even thought it is not intended to be. It sounds like he thought it out well, and made a decision based on both person's happiness. Very mature, but it still sucks for you. This too shall pass (so cliche, but true!). xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

What a good-looking family! It makes me happy that your mother is going to volunteer to help Hurricane Katrina victims. I think that will give her a great sense of pride and great self-esteem that she is doing something so noble. xoxo - me

from theswordsman :

Hi. I show up on hosts with an ameritech address. Cheers. John

from mozangeles :

Well, if they both know of the existence of the other and know that you are not only dating them, it should not be such a big deal, right? Right? Not. I understand. God, that sucks. xoxo - me

from singlegirl :

I've just started reading you, but I wanted to say that I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know there are no words to make you feel better...I'm sorry.

from mozangeles :

That is really sad, but your entry was very heartfelt. Once again, I send my condolences. xoxo - me

from theswordsman :

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. It's got to be tough. I've had three friends do it over the years. It's such a shame that people can reach that point where there don't seem to be any other options. Anyway, take care of yourself. John

from mozangeles :

I am sorry to hear about that. What a tragedy. :( E-mail me if you need anything. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

I have never ever done the single dating thing, so I am not sure what is ok to do and what is not. Do all of these guys know that you are not monogamous? xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Lay off the alcohol, honey! I am glad that you had a good time at home. Your job sounds amazing. I wish I got to travel that often. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Do not freak out just yet! The first time I ever had sex the condom broke (what great luck), and I was fine. Although any other time a guy came in me was while I was on birth control, I have never had any scares, either. My philosophy is do not worry until there is something to worry about. Good luck. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Damn girl, you are dealing with more men right now than I have in my entire life! Ok, that was an exaggeration, but it is almost true! I cannot believe that guys like Oakdale exist. I have no idea what to think of him at this point. All I know is that if I were in your shoes, I would be very skeptical. xoxo - me

from abittergirl :

nothing floozy about it; you got to shop around so that you know what to buy.

from rae2005 :

thanks for the comment. i really enjoy reading your diary. i can relate to the situations you talk about and have had quite a few doozies myself. haha oh well, live and learn.

from awaves :

Congrats on the meetings in FL Madison! You rock sister!

from mozangeles :

Eh, no apologies needed! At times, I feel like I cannot (and do not) write things that I really feel about certain subject matter because I know certain people will get offended. That has not stopped me in regards to politics or the midwest yet, but other kinds of things...I tend to keep my mouth shut...even though these are diaries! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Shame for snooping (ha, I do it, too!), but also shame for saying "chubby chaser!" Ah to hell, you can say what you want, but us chubby gals take offense to that! xoxo - me

from zemcomplex :

Jeez, M, what the hell are you doing out there? You know I'll always be a huge fan, but seriously... what are you doing??

from mozangeles :

Aw, I'm sorry. I have not had someone say that to me since I was in the second grade, although I probably deserved it a lot more when I was older than when I was younger. There is too much drama going on in your friendships, it seems. You need some nice, stable people. Hmmm...does that exist in Orange County? xoxo - me

from abittergirl :

TDW sounds good so far...the fact that he's pursuing is GOOD, it means he's really interested. You are just pining for Officer because as much as we like to deny it, we all love the game, and if something (or someone) comes to us too easily, we think it's damaged goods. Just go with it if it feels good.

from mozangeles :

HAHA take the online course. I took some really pathetic, lame course online that only cost $19 and you basically could not fail the test. I never even read the text, just took the test and kept selecting answers until it made me get it right. That is how they work. I love it. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Well, the fact that you had braces put back on is admirable. I certainly would not if I found out that my teeth had moved, unless it was really obvious. Do not feel bad for crying - I would be, too. xoxo - me

from zemcomplex :

Aw, don't say that. I'm your friend. Guys and girls CAN be friends - you just need to put a couple of timezones in between them.

from zemcomplex :

Are we really political enemies? I had no idea you were a NRA-backing, brown-skin-country-invading, anti-abortion, cut-up-the-forests type. :) It was SO wonderful to meet you, even though, as you said, we've really already met. Hope we can do it again sometime.

from mozangeles :

I cannot believe you had sex with your friend 6 feet away! YOU LITTLE SLUT, YOU! Hahahah. I have done that, too! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Cute! Braces again! In the words of Paris Hilton, "that's hot!" xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Desperate? I think not. Hot? Yes. Whenever a nice, happy guy sees a hot girl who is single, he is bound to try and set her up. Actually, this happens with girls who are not-so-hot, too, but, not in your case. You are hot. Yes! I am trying to remember how you met the officer. I might have to go back and re-read a couple entries to refresh my memory. xoxo - me

from abittergirl :

Eh. Men suck, huh? If you've read my diary today, you know that I did the same thing; romanticised someone who didn't deserve it and now I'm crushed. I'm not sure yet how NOT to do that with someone I like...

from mozangeles :

Oh hell no, that fucking bastard. He makes me want to puke...all over his face! He is such a stereotypical male, thinking he can call all the shots. I want to seriously bash him one right in the face. I am glad that you held your ground. Ignoring that asswipe is the worst damage you could do to his overweaning ego. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

That is so cute! Sometimes, only sometimes, do I wish that I was still single so that I could do things like that without strings attached! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Oh Christ, I am such an asshole! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!! *rushes off to send you an e-card* xoxo - me

from sarabellem :

Happy Birthday M!

from mozangeles :

I cannot believe you saw Judge Reinhold. That is awesome! Hee Hee. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

I wanna join the book club! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Yeah, I have to say that I think you have one of the cooler jobs that I have heard of. Working for the wine industry? I imagine that to be constantly entertaining. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

What the hell is wrong with Oakdale?!?! One minute he is texting you that he loves you and obsessively trying to call you, and the next he is telling you about some girl he is dating? Are all men in your business assholes? Damn. Cut your losses, babe, this guy sounds to me like someone who needs to have his actions validated OR tested by someone. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

HAHAHAAH you are so crazy. That sucks, but I cannot help laughing! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

What a basard. I hate Oakdale now! Grrrr! xoxo - me

from abittergirl :

oh my god! My Ex (the Asshole) said the exact same thing to me; maybe they're the same person? Ha ha ha. Wouldn't that be awful? Seriously. Men just suck. Forget Oakdale. He sounds like an ass, too.

from mozangeles :

Men always do that, you know that. I still have an ex from high school who tries to call me every two years or so. It is pathetic! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Wow, how California is that. Fake boobs. How OC, actually. Heh. I am sorry to hear about your friend's mom. I do not know if you know, but I actually work in cancer research, so if you ever need some info, let me know. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Well Madison, if you ever want to go to a poetry reading in the OC, I'll be happy to join you. xoxo - me

from awaves :

Madison, I know exactly how you are feeling now... remember, I went through a very similar time not all that long ago. Keep smiling your beautiful smile! You know who loves ya! PS - I can't WAIT to see you in July!!!

from mozangeles :

I used to write poetry vehemently, too, and I haven't written anything in a couple of years. It is shameful. The feeling is still there, but the ambition is not. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Unfortunately, I am not an "old" reader, so you are gonna have to tell me what kind of business venture you had! :) xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Damn, I thought I was having a harsh week, but apparently not - you are! I am sorry to hear about all of that madness. My teeth have shifted since I got my braces off, too, but there is no way in hell I am putting those things back on - mostly because I broke them all the time. I hope things get better for you soon!!!! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Congratulations! I am quite proud! xoxo - me

from zemcomplex :

You know, if you come to Chicago, you could have a very interesting weekend.

from zemcomplex :

No worries. Besides, I'm 2000 miles away.

from zemcomplex :

Sheffield. Many moons (and then some) ago.

from zemcomplex :

I know you are using Oakdale (on which I used to live) to get to me. I see right through you. Har.

from sarabellem :

Damn girl...I thought I had stories! I guess you won't be Viva Las Vegas anymore? Love, Sarabellem

from mozangeles :

Haha! Actually, she drives a brand new Volvo. I think she leases it. I believe she made the comment about me polluting the air 1) because she's crazy, 2) because she thinks this is a Nazi work camp, and 3) because I drive a SUV. Oh well, crazy bitch! xoxo - me

from zemcomplex :

As your friends are peasants (per the message below), I'd like to be officially designated as an "acquaintence." And I've got a party this Saturday. You can come.

from mozangeles :

Aw :( I am sorry your heart is hurting. :( Your friends are shallow, contemptible peasants! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

So, no preggo, I am assuming? Congrats! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

So, are you preggo or not? That's frightening! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

HA! I cannot believe your doc said that to you. What a jerk. A lot of people have anxiety disorder, so that is an especially insensitive thing to say. As if your whole life's stress and anxiety is ruled by not having a man. PLEASE. xoxo - me

from zemcomplex :

Hey there, your most obsessive fan here. I just wanted to say I don't think the doc was out of line with his "you're almost 30" comment. (a) He doesn't know you and (b) sociologically, so many women in your age bracket see their friends marry and then that's what they think will make themselves happy. Sad, but true. Save me some V, OK?

from zemcomplex :

Don't take the comment literally... I'm sure we'd get on famously.

from zemcomplex :

I was thinking an AMC Pacer with fuzzy dice, but your suggestion is good, too.

from zemcomplex :

The funniest and strangest thing about having two of them hanging around is that, if I combined them into one person, they'd still be one year younger than me... suppose I should invest in a sports car.

from mozangeles :

Oh man, I totally have dreams about my first boyfriend from high school. ALL THE TIME. In all of the dreams, he looks EXACTLY the way he did when I dated him, even though the last time I saw him he had gained something like 75 lbs. Oh, lovely memories. xoxo - me

from dope-slave :

From the moment SolarBabies opened with a man�s wise voice telling of the destruction and dehydration of Earth, I told myself that it couldn�t possibly get worse. That was until a pre-teen dressed in orphan rags skated down a desert slope shortly followed by a hockey team sharing the movie�s ludicrous name. The film had sunk into a hilariously feeble attempt at sci-fi and the only way to bear the rest would be to laugh at any pathetic sense of seriousness that came along. SolarBabies� plot was stupid, unbelievable, and for the most part unoriginal. What little originality there was, wasn�t in the main plot, but in how they had managed to fit such idiotic scenes together to form a movie without adding surreal, psychedelic effects to it like so many 60s movies have done. Obviously, SolarBabies was meant to be taken in the utmost gravity. It was �dramatic� and �poetic� at all the wrong moments and scenes moved too swiftly without showing logical reasoning behind each action (although, thankfully, that spares the audience from watching one moronic scene for a tedious 15 minutes). And, as in every movie of its genre, the end was accompanied by a victorious revenge fight scene in which the heros kill, or at least seriously injure, all who have done them wrong. The plot, if one at all exists, is surely not the highlight of the movie. Originality wasn�t much better. Although the entire film consisted of one cliche after another, some were more memorable than others. For instance, a group of boys who happen to play hockey are favored by a cop over another group (why, it�s West Side Story all over again!). Mist would also appear out of nowhere at the most �powerful� moments. Perhaps that would work well near a water source (i.e, Lake, ocean, swamp, etc.) but it�s not very successful in a desert. The movie isn�t exactly brilliant with cinematography either. It�s colorless, bland, and mediocre. Any special effects that happen by are pathetic: The magical orb/sphere sparkles while flying�very high-tech . . . Not. Acting and dialog could easily fit into one category since neither of them really exists. Either it was the actors who made the dialog horrible or vice versa. Or perhaps they were both just horrendous. All together it was shallow, monotonous, and transparent. The jokes came out lame, happiness was obviously faked and the metaphors, which were very simple to begin with, were all too clear. Somehow I don�t think SolarBabies acquired any Oscars in Best Script/Actor/Actress. I have to admit, the part that really shocked me was music and sound. I had heard that the composer who did it was fairly talented but when the credits opened and a mixture of Richard Strauss and Star Wars blared through the TV, it couldn�t have been more opposite. It was almost frightening in its stupidity: Complete with Happy-Go- Lucky, Let�s-All-Rejoice dancing songs, eerie space noises, and freaky 80s �music� inserted at random intervals. The background music during dialog reminded me amazingly of elevators. All in all, SolarBabies is as laughable as its name.

from mozangeles :

Girl Scouts are assholes and crack dealers! I can vouch for that! GODDAMN, I must have put on 5 lbs already from the 9 boxes I bought. 9!!!!!! Christ. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

If you ever need an OC buddy, you know I'm right in Costa Mesa...friendless, fat, and pathetic. JK. Hahahaha. xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

HAHAHAHA right on!!!! xoxo - me

from zemcomplex :

psst...over here...

from mozangeles :

You will be a hot momma! I am a VERY lazy creature myself, but after I quit smoking, I started walking, and I am planning on doing it on a regular basis...(walking is about all I can handle right now...and it's speed walking), so we can be hot OC mommas together! xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

"I'm driving / Your girlfriend home / And she's laughing / To stop herself crying / "Drive on", she says / I drive on" xoxo - me

from mozangeles :

Mmmm chocolate. Why is this guy calling you "Baby" if you are still in the beginning stages of dating? *Gets all protective* xoxo - me

from sarabellem :

I think its definitly possible we were seperated at birth. Have a good trip on the coast!

from johnnyscaldo :

Pshaw! Why wait?

from johnnyscaldo :

Oh, you're the one then. We should form one of those if-we're-not-married-by-2006-let's-get-hitched pacts.

from mozangeles :

:( :( :( That's sad, but I understand. I think what you're doing is really brave...and it has to be done. I support you! xoxo - me

from johnnyscaldo :

Hey madison, I hear you loud and clear re your mom. My dad is/was/will be the same way (we refer to him only as Mad Jack, no lie). I tried a lot with him, too, but he was just so set on finding solace in a bottle and playing pity party games, I had to give up. Severing ties was the hardest thing I have ever done, next to not masturbating for a day. Oops. Bad example. Will think of another and pass it along. Hang in there, sister, we need ya out here.

from mozangeles :

Heh - thanks for the note! I do intend to tell my boss to go f*$*k himself, as soon as I get one more free meal out of him! EVIL!!!!! Happy Holidays! xoxo - me

from classygirl83 :

I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa. THat is really sad. I don't know what I would do if I lost my grandpa right now. He means the absolute world to me. So I'm gonna keep him in my thoughts, and prayers. That is awsome that you met a guy though! Congrats!

from classygirl83 :

awww thanks for thinking that I'm cute , and thanks for the note! I love notes! I hope that you have a great week!

from classygirl83 :

Hey, thanks for the kind note. I'm going to try to make the best of conseling for myself. I hope that if I put something in it, I'll get alot out of it. I added you to my faves. I hope that you don't mind Have a great week , and happy Thanksgiving

from mozangeles :

Do you live in Orange County? I do, and I hate it. :( xoxo - me

from johnnyscaldo :

Yes, self-torture is enough to make one sarcastically lean back and say, "Yeh... good times", isn't it? I think I continue to struggle with being friends with the ex because, if she were to disappear, that would erase (at least tangibly) the last five years of my life. I don't really want to do that. And I'm not sure I'm done learning the lessons from my relationship with the ex to be able to say, "Alright, I'm all better now. You can piss off now!" I'm not that kind of cat, anyway, dig? Anyway.... I appreciated your words, both here and on my notes page. Thank you.

from notalptrixie :

Will we ever learn to move on? The way I see it, probably not...for crying out loud, why are we like this?

from notalptrixie :

tell your roommate to screw off. What a jackass.

from johnnyscaldo :

9/29/04. Hey there - I really appreciate your kind words. As I mentioned in my diary, it's truly touching to receive kind words when I'm not really feeling at my peak (and not acting it either). I'm just starting to troll through your e-life and have found your stuff to be much more concise and direct than most - including mine. Keep it up!

from margeauxmay :

hey girl! new format, hunh? Sounds like a crazy evening the other night!

from madisonrae :

Hello Boys and Girls, Leave a note. I would love to hear from you. "Madison Rae"

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