DiaryLand members area

I'm OK - thanks for asking. I've just been caught up in annoying beuracracies. The SSA wouldn't even let me submit a change of address form, because my sister's my Payee, and I've relinquished my rights to her. I gotta get her to do it. Then, it will take 60 days to get my MediCal (State of California Health Benefits) transferred after that. I simply can't AFFORD a doctor. However, I'm following through, and I did get a big bottle of Prostate Optimizer at the health store. I'm supposed to take three of these pills a day -- they contain stuff like green tea extract, saw palmetto, nettles, and other goodies. (No zinc, though, because they say that's already in my multi-vitamin. And I've been feeling better. I ran four miles today, and I've felt good all day. Maybe I can see the doctor back in the other County, where I still have benefits. And my landlady's trying to get me in to see her doctor. Maybe he'll let me in on a payment plan. Yes -- that's probably best. This government bureaucracy business is just too damned annoying.

from minstrelite :

Just wanted to say that I really appreciated your comment (about my ex) -- I'll post a reply in the comments thread to the entry once I gather my thoughts around it.

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for the note. I can imagine that for regular athletes that spending all that time running would be tedious. Of course, i can't imagine going much faster...you get used to it like anything else. And with all those people cheering--it's kind of fun. Take care of yourself!

from readyorknot :

hey, I was wondering if you could e-mail me your password. I e-mailed you but, I don't know if my addy went to your spam or not.. my e-mail is holli 921 @aol.com thanks, I hope all is well!!

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for the note. It's really different running the marathon as an experience (like I do), compared with running it as a competition. I'm not trying to convince you, but if you trained properly (ahem!) and decided to run it at a 9 or 10 minute pace, you might not dislike it. Having said that, I'm over it for the moment. I need a break. Good luck in school and with everything else.

from missaru :

got it, THANKS!!!

from missaru :

thanks so much for the message. i know you just said this to me, but YOU have definitely been an inspiration for me because of all you've been through and overcome. i'm sure i'll be just fine, i don't know what made me suddenly snap this way :/ oh and also! i would love to read your page again but totally forgot the password, if you don't mind giving it to me again. hope you're doing great :) :)

from anainsight :

Thanks for your note - unfortunately I don't have a camera so I can't take pictures. I'm going to ask for one for Christmas but that is such an expensive gift I'm afraid to ask. I didn't have a lot of pix of Kika, which I regret.

from anainsight :

Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Kika would have been so flattered to know she had so many fans. Please keep on writing - y'all keep me going. (((hugs)))

from anainsight :

You must be highly, highly intelligent to be able to do what you do. My hat is off to you. Just think, as young as you are and you're already doing cancer research! I think that's more than cool. And I thought I was intelligent. I suppose I am, somewhat - but I'm just a musician. I wouldn't know hardly anything like that. You should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself! That said, don't let yourself get burnt out. I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))

from anainsight :

Way to go, you got the grad assistant position! I had one too, paid my entire tuition. Without it I wouldn't have been able to go. Grad school's fun, even if the subject matter is harder. Have a wonderful time!

from dimstar :

I unlocked mine :) But, can you email me the username and pword for yours at shootingstar1dayAThotmailDOTcom ? I miss u honey! xo

from sameoldfears :

nope, no make up links. weird. i meant i sure know how to pick the idiots who do stupid things like cut themselves in the legs with chain saws...i have no clue how to pick out boy jeans!!hehe

from veronica-- :

Thanks for caring :) I think I have one of the most fucked-up relationships that I feel an incredible need to hang on to, but I guess that's not so avant garde. We worked it out, I tend to blog on impulse. It's a vice. Hope life's being nice to you. Thanks again.

from anainsight :

Hey there - I'm glad you think things are going to be OK. Just don't let your own little quirks get in the way of your being able to see the "big picture", if you know what I mean. I wish I could come to Chicago, I've got a very good friend (since about the last 17 years) that I wish I could visit. Thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia!

from anainsight :

Hey there - wow, if the reunion tour is getting such bad reviews then maybe I should be glad that the sucky seats cost $92 bucks and the good seats are over $250 apiece. Looks like I won't be going (sigh) But I sure do love Sting!

from anainsight :

Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I had a bit of a setback today, my doctor told me to wait until my labs got better, but I'm still determined to go to the gym. We have 2 Gold's Gyms in the county where I live but they are more like a fashion opportunity for fit people. The place I'm considering is 90% for people who DON'T fit into thongs and are there to get healthy, so I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm hoping to find something I can wear in my wardrobe to avoid having to buy something new. anyway. Hope you're doing better! I think you're way braver than I am for even considering studying something as complicated as biochemistry. Keep up the good work. peace!

from rs536-2000 :

I like writing about them more than I like dating. It's a problem. I'll be doing it again in a few weeks. What a nice comment--thanks!

from emaciana :

it was so nice to get a note from you. i'm hoping things are going well with you. thanks for commenting on zach. i'm so in love with my little boy.

from anainsight :

Hey there, glad to see you back and on track for graduation. What's happening with the grad school thing? Have you decided where to go and/or been accepted? If so, that's cool. Let me know. peace!

from rs536-2000 :

When I'm on foot the rollerbladers annoy me. When I'm on the bike, they scare me, especially because they are aways in my way on a steep hill in the park and I worry that they cause me to have to stop short, fall and break a bone.

from anainsight :

Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I really appreciate it. I'm glad someone cares. And Kika always knows how to make me feel better (smile) peace!

from sameoldfears :

i just wanted to say thank you for your note. it meant alot and also, thanks for the tip about u of i in iowa. i'm applying and i wouldn't be if you hadn't said anything! thank you. ♥

from anainsight :

Thanks for your sweet note, it was just what I needed to hear. (((hugs back)))

from xx-angel-xx :

thank you for your note. you know what, I do think you're completely right. I'm not sure exactly if it'll be more work and frustration rather the anything else. I do think i will only wonder intil i actually find out. Which may be never. I guess its not a 'huge' loss if nothing ever happens. I do think its because he's in such a dangerous place that i feel the need to 'act' out my feelings.. which possibly could be nothing but 'i love him' BUT not like i use to. haha, sorry- i'm probably not making sense.

from xx-angel-xx :

wow! i mus thave missed your last entry! I was going to leave you a note in haloscan but, i didn't know if you'd see i left one since you updated a few days ago. I'm So SO proud of you for how long you haven't purged!! I'm also so happy and congrats that you made it into grad school!!! yay!! :)

from anainsight :

Hey there, I'm so glad you're back! I'm so proud of you for so long without purging. Keep it up! I hope you have a happy Valentine's day, and I hope someone is very, very sweet to you today. (((hugs)))

from miedema2002 :

Thanks for the advice. I survived.

from anainsight :

Hey, thanks for your note. Yah, the V-8 thing is pretty handy but I've discovered that you need salt, pepper and garlic powder to make it taste better. Otherwise it's a really versatile recipe!

from minstrelite :

hey, i locked my diary, please e-mail me for the username/password

from anainsight :

Merry Christmas!

from anainsight :

Don't listen to your mom. Don't let her upset the fragile balance you seem to have achieved for yourself. My mother used to get on to me like that all the time. "Someone has to tell you." That's bullshit. She's just taking on that role and bringing all her own garbage in to the mix. I think you're doing good from all your reports, and I want to encourage you to keep up with the not purging and not to pay so much attention to the scale. You are NOT sick, you have a problem, true, but that's not how you should think of yourself. You're sweet and brave and intelligent and hard-working. As much as I miss my mother, I DON'T miss her constant haranguing - in fact, I wonder if I would have grieved more for her if that wasn't a part of our history. anyway. Have a Merry Christmas, then get yourself back to school and work hard. peace and hugs!

from minstrelite :

Hey, thanks for noting me! The deal with Saturday's run was, it actually took me 2 1/2 miles for my un-gloved hands to warm up. But the part of me that froze the most was too embarrassing to admit in my entry. Maybe I had put on my swimming trunks by mistake? (Just kidding.) Anyway, yes, I always run in sunglasses, and have also found that keeping the ears covered helps too. One time my left eardrum ruptured during a five mile run in super-windy weather, and I'll never forget the pain. I'm going to invest in thermal underwear before the next time I go out--that'll help too. And good luck with your running-motivation! Thanks for reading!

from xx-angel-xx :

i was so happy to hear your entry, Seems like over all you're doin' pretty well!! I wish you'd stop weighing yourself though, I think having a number in your head would make it a bit harder for you BUT, i do hope you continue to gain weight and continue to not purge! ((hugs)) I hope you enjoy the rest of your time at home!

from anainsight :

Hey there! I'm really proud of you for working so hard about the not purging. I hope you'll do good on your grad school work. What did you score on the GRE? I can't remember exactly what I scored but it was something around 975, which wasn't quite good enough for me to get into Florida State, but it was fine for conservatory, and I even got a 100% graduate assistantship because my undergrad grades were so good. Graduate school was the happiest time of my life. I do hope you'll find your experience to be similar. If you want my new password, note me with your e-mail address, and I'll send it to you (then I'll delete your e-mail off my notes page for your protection). In the meantime, have a Merry, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! (((hugs)))

from caged-freed :

Hey, this is just a note to let you know that I'm trying to resurrect C.A.G.E.D. - and I really hope you'll contribute. Check out the updated info, and take care!

from anainsight :

Hey there, thanks for your note! Glad to see that you've unlocked, btw. I was thinking about you the other day, when I heard about how bad the weather in Chicago had gotten, I called my friends in Morton Grove just to check on them. Stay warm! Don't go out running in this kind of cold and ice, wait till it warms up some. The day I called Kathy and John, it had been 60 degrees here in the morning, but by 7:30 that night it had gone down to 39 degrees. So it's cold here, too, just not AS cold. I swear, I would freeze to death up there. I'm too Southern, my blood's too thin. anyway. Take care and have happy holidays. peace!

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for the info and yeah, no more toture than necessary for the cat.

from f-i-n :

happy turkey day

from minstrelite :

Hi, I finally made it over to your diary, but only found two entries. Are you a chronic archive deleter like me? Or was there a D-Land error? Anyway, it's all good. I am sorry to hear about your relationship issues, though, as I know how difficult that can be. On another note, my running is getting better, only I ran six miles for the first time (this time) on Friday and have been burned out since. That's not good, since it's almost Tuesday already. Hopefully on tomorrow morning's run I'll be strong again.

from miedema2002 :

I would be careful when it comes to Kevin. That's scary.

from miedema2002 :

Hey, I'm sorry about loss of vision. It must be hard for you seeing as how you have had all your sight for all your life. Hopefully nothing happens to your vision, but take it from me it is not impossible to function. I have been visually impaired and night blind my whole life and I turned out ok! If you ever need to talk to someone I'm here for you. Take care.

from icyjewel :

Thanks for the note about my last entry and for caring so much. It means more than you know. I hope you are doing well. I misplaced your login info and can't seem to find it! Could I possibly get the info emailed to me, pretty please? [email protected]

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for the note and for thinking of me. It's VERY unlikely that NY will be that cold in 2 weeks. Avg temps for that day are 45 low and 60 high, so even if we're under by 10 degrees, it's still warmer than your day. I just hope for no temps above 60. I have no problem running in the cold, but running in the heat for umpteen...er...5 and a half hours slays me.

from miedema2002 :

Thank you so much for the kind note. It made my day! I am glad to have someone to relate to on that level. Well I don't have to worry about him going out with his ex because we talk and we figured out all his lies(well read my entry for details) in short she turned him down and is mad at him too. Rumour has it he is going to ask me back out. For sure I will say NO!! I am trying to stay strong. It's so hard though. I wish there was some kind of time limit in a relationship where you knew for sure he wasn't using you after x amount of months or years. I guess not... Take care. I wish you well in your recovery. Bye.

from joie-- :

if it was possible to go out and buy a gift basket of hope and positive thoughts I would send you one right now. ran into an interesting slogan the other day and have been dieing to share it with someone �Live Life void of negative� i like it, because it can mean whatever you need it to mean. be well, joie

from f-i-n :

Want to swap places? It's too hot here.

from enurta :

hi. i lost your password when I switched computer. can you please send it to [email protected] again? thanks. <3

from starletblues :

hi, i hope you're doing well. i used to read your diary until you locked it :[ but as long as you're still writing i'll want to read. take care darling.

from anainsight :

Just a note, wanted to say hi and hope you're having good times now that fall is here and it's not so hot outside. I know I feel better. Hope you're doing OK. I'm thinking of you. peace!

from snow666white :

Hello...can i have the password pretty please? ([email protected]) I hope you are ok hon :) -Natalie. X

from minstrelite :

oh btw i'm locked but there's an e-mail link on my template

from minstrelite :

Hi--maybe I can get in? I'm all about running and long-distance bicycling, that's my motive. I've seen you on some other people's diaries, and was led to you when I clicked on another runner's banner, someone in Brooklyn. Cheers.

from f-i-n :

You're so right. The waist/length issue is impossible for tall girls like me. And what's up with all the ugly sweaters this year (not that I can wear them in miami). Yeah, the boy was cute but i was only window shopping....

from skinnianna :

hey, hope you are well! i haven't been around for awhile, been busy with school and things. could i read? my email's [email protected] . keep hope! Sarah

from emaciana :

i hope things work out for you and kevin. thanks for getting the pw to me. i missed reading.

from anainsight :

Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I hope you're feeling better now. I think I am, it just comes and goes. My therapist keeps telling me that it's normal. I have to start listening to her. please do me a favor and at least TRY to eat something before you go run six miles. If you're going to be sick while running that's not a good sign. I'm afraid you'll get seriously dehydrated. I am sending healing light to you and if I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug. peace!

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for the note--I'm happy I did it and happy that it's over.

from gyka :

hi girl... hehehe, just stoppin by to say aloha and you rock my socks... lol. mwah xox

from inprivate :

I happen to think you're a brave girl for trying to confront your problems and trying to get better, and for recognising that even though your stomach is telling you different, not eating is wrong. I find your diary interesting so leave me a note if you decide to unlock it.

from gyka :

hi girl, how are you today? i am sad to see your diary is locked but i am sure it's for good reason..... anywayz, i hope things are okay - i hope you are well. if you're not opening your diary i think you do have my email address so always feel free to write if you need to. leave me a note, let me know how you are. take care.... keep strong. xox

from emaciana :

hey hon, sorry you had to lock up. but can i read?

from anainsight :

Hey, I read your latest entry and I'm glad you're feeling a little better. It's funny though -- it seems like whenever you have a school break, you tend to get a little better. I wonder about that. Do you think the pressures of school make you worse or better? I was DEFINITELY worse when I was an undergraduate because I had to take so many classes that I didn't like. When I got to grad school I was so happy because I was learning for the love of my subject and not just jumping through hoops to get my piece of paper. It makes me wonder if you might not experience the same thing. Just a thought, though. But I want you to know I am thinking of you. peace!

from veronica-- :

Maybe what we lack is a sense of belonging? For the most part I've been recovered for a fair amount of time but am constantly plagued with how fat I feel, even though I realize the girls through my check-out line at walmart are fatter than me and are clearely (seemingly, by the clothes they wear and the food they buy [perhaps blind assumptions]) more content in their skin then I can ever remember being. Maybe they just magically were gifted with a sense of belonging. Like, I'm reading a book on Janis Joplin (slightly to moderately drunk most of the time, I am) and it goes into great detail throughout her early years how she was mocked and ridiculed for her appearance and not fitting in to the conservative Texas way of life. This, beginning her feelings of not belonging and seeking out other ways to feel a part of something. Eventually her insecurity led to speed use, mine led initally to years of starvation, but now it's alcoholisim after several failed meaningless relationships... I have no idea where this fits in as an appropriate diaryland message. I remember in rehab reading this Newsweek article how anoretics have much more brain activity than the norm. I don't know how that fits in either. I think happy normal people are too complacant and comfortable in life than thoes of us that suffer, so we think more and struggle towards something better. I like to think it makes us better people. I mean eventually Janis dies, I haven't read that far into the book yet, but I think we're just too avant guarde for the norm. The norm of society has left us searching for someplace better. Sorry, I've been drinking :P In any case, Wherever you long to be that normal society doesn't facilitate, I wish you the best of luck in progressing to what you really want and deserve out of life. <3 Yeah, I'm in Iowa now and I can't say I feel like I belong here, I start at the stupid Walmart here on monday. Omfg *disgusted* Adam is nice though.

from imazook :

Hi, I came across you through Holli. I hope you don't mind me reading. :) I hope you feel better

from gyka :

hey hun, i just wanna say hi and i am sending hugs for you!! i get so sad when i read blogs, and today yours made me sad. i know how you feel in so many ways and just wish i could help you! you're so great and you know what, i think if we knew eachother we would be really great friends. hold in there girl, drink something good for you and eat slowly, don't push yourself.... you can do it tho. and the tests, you sound smart, and everytime you announce grades they are awesome greats so i have faith you will do well, and i know you will!! xox

from anainsight :

I am so sorry you are in pain right now. I wish you were not. Please know I am thinking about you. I won't try to say anything because it would probably just be stupid and not helpful at all. But I am sending healing light to you and I wish you all the best. peace!

from xx-angel-xx :

I want to thank you so much for your notes you've been leaving me lately. They mean the world to me. Thank you for being so caring towards me. thanks for being here for me!

from gyka :

awww, you are like my favourite person right now - thank you so much for understanding me! and yes, i wish i didn't feel this way either, as i wish you wouldn't feel that way either. but thats why we are here to support eachother right?? cuz this is not a fight we can handle alone!! i hope u are doin good too and i hope you are bein strong!! things can be crazy at times, but i am here for ya k! just write if you need to talk. take care hun. xox and thanx again for the note! xox

from veronica-- :

Thank you very much :) Yeah, men are a gamble, who knows why we do such things.

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for your note. I'm sure you know what I meanm when I say that it's hard to know how to keep motivation even when it may be attractive in some theoretical way. I hope things continue to improve for you. r

from snow666white :

Hello, Thank you for adding me... I have a certain appreciation for your diary. I'm sure we can correlate in many ways. I would like to add you back. Hoping you are well, Natalie.

from anainsight :

I am so glad you ate today. I'm not going to ask you to eat tomorrow. I'm just going to ask you to make the right choice when the time comes. I'm so proud of you for saying that the numbers on the scale and the transcript don't matter. And you ARE beautiful, regardless of what the e.d. voice tells you. I want you to be happy. Go for it gurl. peace!

from edgarfrog :

Your assistance is needed, young lady. I'm seeking new Women's Lib writers for my diary. The requirement is that the writer must be a cute female. It seems like you may qualify. E-mail me at [email protected] if you are interested. Don't know what my Women's Lib entries are all about? Check out my Older Entries to find out. They are the ones with clearly labelled "Women's Lib" titles.

from emaciana :

your entry made me sad. you don't have to have to lose your grip on things, you can get through. it is not too late things can still be turned around. you have such willpower, i've seen it! use it towards what you want so badly but are so scared to achieve - recovery. please hon, do it for us even if not for yourself.

from gyka :

wow, that book kinda is disturbing but i noticed they are coming out with books like that more and more. i know its kinda necessary but i don't really understand. anywayz, i hope the food thing gets better - be strong - like u always are!! take care hun. xox

from winterspell :

Wow. It is amazing. It is like all of us think alike. You know? All of us who have been down that same road feel, act, think, and essentially ARE the same. How can two people be so much alike...even in thought? How can MORE than two people think so much alike? I understand you. All of us who have been and are going down that road do. Completely.-Andrea

from joie-- :

:-) I love shoes ... thanks for the note, you're always full of good advice. I wish I could return the favor ... Just ... You've worked hard to get there, Take pride in that, you have more than the right

from gyka :

Hey hun, hugz girl, i am sorry your meeting went so rough.... i really dont think an overeaters club would be good for you (or any of us) - perhaps there is an ed meeting that you can't find - i hope so!! i really do! i am sorry you're not feeling well emotionally - but please know that i am here for you and i will try to be there for you as best as i can.... take care love and take care of yourself. xox

from anainsight :

hey, I'm so sorry the 12-step meeting upset you so. I was so hoping you could find some help there. my bad. Please forgive me for butting in. I guess I should learn to keep my big mouth shut. anyway. I'm so sad for you but I hope that somewhere you will get the help you need. I talked to K & J (my Morton Grove friends) the other night and I was thinking of you... I am sending healing light to you and hope you can sense it somehow. peace!

from gyka :

hello girl, well i just wanna say good job on the group thing - and good luck finding urself a group. lately i have been thinkin about my group a lot and how i just left them hanging when i was at my worse. i think now about how much i really do miss it!! so props to you on doin what you are doin. how are ya anywayz? thanx for the little note the other day - you're such a darling. hope ur weekend went good and i'll catch ya later. peace xox

from anainsight :

I Googled you a search for OA in Chicago and came up with this: http://www.region5oa.org/illinois/turning_point/index_files/page0007.html Try inputting that or just Google "Overeaters Anonymous - Chicago". What you need to do is find the main number. I know that here in Atlanta we have quite a number of groups, and when you call the main office number for the whole city, they'll send you a master list, and there is a whole category for anorexics and bulimics and it shows which meeting you can go to. The one I used to go to when I lived in another part of the city was almost 75% anorexic/bulimic. I would go back there except it's so far away to drive and gas prices are so high right now. Unfortunately, suburban Atlanta doesn't have a lot of connectivity to the city and the section that I live in only has one local meeting and it is really a dud. There's no open discussion, only reading aloud chapter by chapter of the Big Book. It's not like you can talk about your problems and ask for support like you could at my old group (Sigh) But absolutely, yes, you can go to any OA meeting. If you can get a hold of the master list for the entire city, they have all sorts of categories, including but not limited to: 100 or more pounds to lose, anorexia/bulimia, gay/lesbian, women only, men only, etc. You should be able to find at least ONE meeting where you will fit in. And when you listen to people talk and get to know them, you will one day see a person who's doing consistently very well, and you'll say to yourself, "I want what she's got." And that is how you will get your sponsor. I have faith in you. In the meantime, keep up on the step work you're doing and keep trying. I was thinking about you the other day; evidently there was some bad weather in Chicago and they were showing it on CNN. I have friends in the Morton Grove suburbs and I tried to get hold of them but they weren't home. anyway. Keep the faith and keep working hard. peace!

from emaciana :

wow i had no idea you were such an artist. impressive, kris.

from winterspell :

Wow. I love your art! I wish I could draw like that. I am more of a fine arts person rather than an actual art person though. Ugh, Physics. I HATE physics. I wish you much much much luck. May I ask you what your major is? Mine is Bio premed. I had to take a year of physics and it about killed me. -Andrea

from winterspell :

Of course I don't mind:-) Always nice to have new readers. I will add you as well. And thank you for the compliment on my journal. It took me a long time to get where I am right now. But it was most definitely worth it. When you truely recover it is like you see the world with new eyes. Everything is new to you and its like all that time that you were sick you were blind. I also feel freer. I love that feeling. I am no longer my own worst enemy. I know you will get there. I saw your video and you know, you are quite beautiful. You really are. Don't be blind to it. Enjoy your beauty. Goodnight.-Andrea

from winterspell :

Hi....Um...it is very wierd. Well...I just happened to check and see who has me listed on their buddy list and I saw you. I didn't realize you had added me. It is perfectly fine of course. The wierd thing is though...I read your diary and...well...I just thought you should know that I used to have anorexia. I am fully recovered now and the thought of any of it is enough to disgust me. I am sorry to read that you are still battling the war with yourself. If the time ever comes when you want to get better or need advice...or just someone to be there...drop me a line. I wish you well. -Andrea

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for the note. NY is way behind most cities in bike paths, so that's what makes the park so appealing. I've heard Chicago is a much better biking city. The dedication to the training is strictly fear...that I won't be able to complete my race. Great motivator!!

from gyka :

awww thanx hun, yes i am super excited for him to come - two more hours. there is a deep fear in me that he wn't be on the plane, that he won't show up - i hope its not true!!

from anainsight :

You are so totally clever, I loved your entry today. You are really very PC savvy. I'm not. I don't even have a regular camera, let alone a digital camera and/or VCR. I can't believe Tom called you. What happened? I'm dying to know. peace!

from gyka :

oh my gosh girl, i totally loved ur entry tonite, how creative. and i just gotta say u are so gorgeous... i loves ur hair!! and ur nail polish, i love nail polish, its hot!! anywayz, how are ya doin? how are things treating you? i hope u are doing as great as u looked in ur video entry. take care hun. xox

from miedema2002 :

Hi, thank you for the nice note and for adding me as a favourite. I always love meeting new people on here. Keep fighting. I know you will break free of this someday. Stay strong adn use the help that is out there. I am just figuring that out myself, just recently I have admitted to myself that I can't do this alone. So I rely on my friends and bf a lot. Take care. Emily.

from anainsight :

Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I did tell Rachel my deep dark secret but it wasn't about the eating issues, she knows all about that. anyway. I guess you can tell from all my ranting that I really don't like Bush. I'm not a total liberal, I'm fiscally very conservative but socially relatively liberal. For example, I think we should all have health care and Bush and his Republicans have been fighting that tooth and nail for years. It would be a better way to spend money than this stupid war. That's just how I feel. On the other hand, I don't think the Republicans can make any claim to being fiscally conservative because of all the pork they cram into the budget every year - and our country so deep in debt it will be a million years before we pay it off. Either that or the Chinese will take us over and we will all be communists. Wow won't that be fun. anyway. I wanted to send you a link to Eating Disorders Anonymous, it's this: http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/ It's a 12-step program specifically aimed at anorexia and bulimia. Failing that, I'm sure you can find an Overeaters Anonymous in the Chicago area that you can go to. Believe it or not, it's not only overeaters who go there. Anorexics and bulimics go there in equal numbers. In fact, if you call the OA office in your area, they keep a list and they even have a special class of meetings esp. for anorexics and bulimics. Just like AA has special meetings for like all women or all men, or stuff like that. I really need to go back. I really miss it, but the only decent meeting around here is about 40 miles away on Saturday mornings and with gas at over $3.00 a gallon, I can't justify the expense until I find a job. But I think it's great the work you are doing with the steps, and if you should happen to find a meeting, you can get a sponsor. You can share your work on the steps with her, and you can call her if you're ever in trouble. Before my sponsor married and moved away I used to call her every time I got tempted to purge, and she would always help me out. Anyway. I hope you continue to do well and I hope you won't let your grades get you down. You are struggling with a lot of things now besides school, and I can't tell you how much I admire you for sticking with it and not dropping out, like I did when things got tough. Keep it up! If I were not in Georgia I would give you a hug. In the meantime, though, Kika sends lots of poodle kisses.

from anainsight :

Hey doll, I'm so glad that you are taking the time to write out the steps and be so thorough despite your exam schedules. If you don't mind, I'd like to make just one small suggestion: Get a sponsor. I don't know if you used one last time but having someone to be accountable to, and someone to share your work on the steps with is very helpful. And when you are in really bad times, you can call your sponsor and she can help you out. The next time you go to your support group, ask about it. I'm sure someone will be able to help you find someone. I just know from personal experience that working the steps with a sponsor is much, much more helpful than going it alone. Are you going to OA, EDAnon, or some other branch of the 12 step program? I am sending out healing light to you and I hope somehow you can sense it. Let me know how you're doing. I send you a hug and Kika sends lots of poodle kisses from way down here in Georgia.

from starletblues :

thank you for the note :]] as you know, it is very tough going through this and doing everything possible to keep it a secret even though it constantly streams through your mind. but i sincerely appreciate your support. it's quite a relief that i can find it somewhere. i hope you, too, stay strong. i'll be reading :]

from gyka :

hey sweetie, i like the fact u are taking these steps.... i enjoyed group because we always did those activities and it gave me a lot of insight to things i probably didn't want to acknowledge!! keep it up girl... things will get better. peace xox

from gyka :

gots a question, can u send me the 12-steps.... i too abandoned them but like them very much - they were a guide!! i would appreciate it, thanx!!

from anainsight :

Thanks for your sweet note. I know that Harrison Ford is in his 60's but I still think he looks just fine. So distinguished. I always tell Rachel I want to have sex with Harrison Ford, and she wants to have sex with George Clooney. anyway. Keep me in your prayers, times are hard right now. Thanks for everything. (((hugs)))

from emaciana :

awww you are too sweet. i am trying to relax a bit about the cleaning/housework thing... it will take time, but it will be good for me. take care.

from anainsight :

I'm so glad you think that little anorexia voice has switched off. That little voice sucks. I hope it stays switched off. Good thoughts to you (((hugs)))

from emaciana :

so sorry to hear about your knees. that sucks, especially since you love running so much. also, i think that you can pretty much 95% overcome an ED. i don't truly believe that 100% recovery is possible, but maybe it's because i've been struggling for so long it seems out of reach. take care.

from gyka :

is that u in the pic? with the blond hair? if so, u are really gorgeous. and i totally understand what u mean by the stares - seems that the more weak u become, the more weight u lose, the more stares u get. i used to feed off of that, but then it became a paranoia for myself. i hope u have a great day - good luck with everything. take care. xox

from fat0free0air :

Thanks so much. It's going to be hard but it is a really gorgeous dress and I don't want people commenting on my weight all night. As much as I would love to be in the situation you had during prom (I would kinda feel good about the dress not fitting :S) I just want to have the perfect night :) thanks for you note xoxo

from gyka :

mmmm... i love tic tacs too!! living off them, for me, didn't go that well. lol - but i do love them. have a great weekend. xo

from gyka :

awww, thanx so much! hope u have a good day as well!! xox

from gyka :

hi gurly, i came across ur diary today and thought i would give it a read. i too have an ed, among other problems - shameful me! wondering if i could add u!!

from anainsight :

Hey, thanks for your sweet note. It's better, because my mom isn't suffering anymore but I'll miss her terribly. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers. peace!

from xx-angel-xx :

Thank you for your comment. Made me slightly better (only because im a huge paranoid freak).. but, For just about the whole year, my blood has been blackish, brownish color, as you explained Just this week, the realllly heavy bleeding has been a mixture of red (normal) and the weird color. I'm thinking right now may be my 'real' period, mixed with the abnormal bleeding.. I just don't know. And thank you for reminding me that I am young so, it may be very much easier to treat me, IF something is wrong, instead of if i was older and had it been going on much longer. Thank you!! I do really appreciate it!

from emaciana :

you keep changing your template! did you design this latest one yourself?

from xx-angel-xx :

Now, How could I ever give you a greater note then you left me? I'm left speachless at your thoughtful, wonderful note you left me. I appreciate it so very much! you are such a great person and have such a wonderful heart!! You are strong also, for those people who left your life because of your illness is rather stupid (for lesser words that comes to mind). If you and I lived near eachother, I'd totally want to hang out. They don't know what such a wonderful friend they're missing out on!

from emaciana :

you are too funny kris... with all the photoshop things. i think you look quite good goth! lol

from emaciana :

love the new tempate. very cute!!

from emaciana :

aww i cant' see the pics!

from anainsight :

Happy Birthday! : 0 21 you go gurl! Oh to be 21 again (hehehe) But you don't know what I was doing when I was 21 (snort) anyways. Hope it was a happy one!

from anainsight :

Hey there. Nobody's too young to appreciate Harrison Ford. Were you even born in 1977? Never mind. Just go rent the original 3 Star Wars and enjoy those tight leather pants, it really is worth it, hehehe. Much <3

from conjugate-me :

hello. =) i just wanted to say thanks for leaving a comment & adding me. i really like your diary, so i think i'm going to add you back. i hope things are going well for you. & don't let those old entries stir up any crazy emotions in you. they're in the PAST for a reason, dear.

from rs536-2000 :

How was your meet?

from emaciana :

i know what you mean, reading back on old entries. i've kept a dland journal for 3 years and a paper journal for about 10. it's great to be able to read back on stuff, but scary to see how life has just gone by. changes happen that you never knew would, that you were not conscious of. i got better from anorexia without intending to. i am glad to hear that you are healthy (as much as possible having suffered from an ed i don't think you ever truly get 100% better). take care, love, Tia

from rs536-2000 :

The Rio is perfect for running. I want an Ipod for the subway, but I can't imagine running with anything but the Rio. AND God, what an obnoxious review the teen folks gave you. Nice to know that SOME [young foolish] PEOPLE have all the answers to life's questions. They are like that Garrison Keillor character, Guy Noir.

from teen-review :

your review is FINALLY finished. i apologize for the wait & hope you enjoy your review. - mandy

from emaciana :

thanks for your kind words.

from anainsight :

Just a quick note to let you know I am thinking about you. Don't run away. The world needs the brilliant, compassionate research scientist you're gonna become. If I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug and Kika would give you a poodle kiss. peace!

from imanobody00 :

I hope you are doing alright. I just read your last entry and I'm worried about you. Do not give up! You need to see that this is his loss and not yours. I'm thinking of you~

from rs536-2000 :

Thanks for the note. I could not stop laughing yesterday when I heard that I am beyond help. Oh, well...

from anainsight :

I've been thinking about you lately when you've written about how you get so tired and I have a suggestion for you. Have you ever heard of "Whole food vitamins"? They aren't like lab-manufactured vitamins, they're whole-food nutrient supplements. I started on them recently and my energy level has just about gone through the roof. They're not uppers or anything, just organically extracted vitamins. The only drawback is that they're really expensive (about 25 bucks a month). But you might give them a try. Keep up the good times, and keep up the writing. peace!

from straysparrow :

And now I get to thank you for adding me as well! I speak a smattering of spanish... mostly the odd word now and again, I don't really think it counts as speaking it. German would be cool to know as well, I think. I figure if I had English, French, Spanish and German I could go most places. But the Japanese is looking more appealing as well, these days. I dunno, we'll see. Take care. Sparrow. xx

from straysparrow :

Hi! Did I ever welcome you to the bilngual dairyring? Welcome! i speak English and French! How about you? Sparrow. xx

from joie-- :

You are heard, you are seen, and even if you think they are safer when they are far away, it hurts that much more to be pushed away. I know that it feels like a good dead to back away, but that's when they want to be with you the most. Let them. They will love you more for it, and you will feel better being with them. It's hard to believe the words. I can't believe them in relation to me, but to give them to someone else, to give them to you, there is no stronger truth. Be well, joie

from emaciana :

school is tremendously overwhelming for me too right now... i totally feel what your'e going through but you're going through way more cause of all your running. just think... the semester's 1/2 over!!!

from just-fine :

I am not suprised your tired with all that running hon. Please be careful and don't push yourself too hard. Lots of love xoxox

from rs536-2000 :

I thought of you during the race when the first woman lapped us...she was probably running 6:30's--I would guess that she finished the race in a bit over an hour. Thanks for the note, I've gotten good at negative splits.

from icyjewel :

You are inspiring and a wonderful woman. Happy Valentine's Day.

from emaciana :

hey hon... sorry about the bad run times, but i know you're so much more than running. maybe the ED has taken its toll and that's why... i don't know... but try to stay positive. love love

from imanobody00 :

Could I see your pictures? My e-mail addy is [email protected]. I'm so happy for you and I'm glad you are doing so well. ~Take Care

from anainsight :

I'm so glad to see that you're writing again. I hope you continue to do well. Keep up with the running. Even if you aren't on the team, you can train for yourself. Down here in Georgia we have a big 4th of July race called the Peachtree Road Race. I bet you could beat all of us lazy Georgians who don't have anything better to do on New Year's than watch a big butt drop down a pole (tee hee). Take care and God bless, and I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.

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