messages to the29th:
(click here to add new message):

from candora :
I found myself here reading my other dairy, candoor, and remembered that I had not checked my buddy list here in many years. I share your sentiment, few post, so many locked, missing the people, hope you are well :)
from i-am-jack :
Wow welcome back! I missed you.
from dangerspouse :
Welcome back! We are all well, thanks. Hope you are too. Gonna start posting again?
from exhaust :
I sent it to you directly this time :)
from exhaust :
Welcome to the madness! Let me know if you didn't get an email. <3
from exhaust :
I like to answer with "Puke. Not the verb, the noun." And, thank you. It's still weird to see it in type.
from exhaust :
If they only had dates on them... How are you?
from exhaust :
I came here thinking I would just say hi... And wouldn't you know it, that was the last note I left.
from exhaust :
Hi.
from ofenchant :
*Love*
from my51dreams :
don't let that mud drag you down, old friend.
from concerted :
As is often the case, I get where you're coming from way too much. I'm sorry your friends couldn't just support you when that was what you needed--and I don't mean that they aren't good friends, just that I know sometimes all you need is for someone to hear you, support you, and just be there. It's hard when that doesn't happen :(
from i-am-jack :
Thank you! Now you need to start posting again.
from showinggrace :
Did you notice your fingerprints all over my mixes? :)
from eveningsun :
wherever you go, I hope I will still have the chance to read your words.
from bebelua :
wherever you go. whenever you go. please tell me.
from suckledhoney :
Yes, if you do move, please don't leave me hanging; if you'll have me I'd like to tag along.
from i-am-jack :
If you end up starting a new journal, I definitely want to come with you. I feel that same feeling sometimes, I call it the category conflict. Strangely, the one thing that usually helps me snap out of it is writing in private for a bit. I do have multiple writing outlets too, and sometimes do not know where everything needs to go. I think it's an OCD habit.
from ofenchant :
I'm so sorry honey. But you do deserve spectacular and trust me it is out there somewhere. It's always out there for people who are willing to wait, to sacrifice, to believe. I just wish he'd hurry up and make himself known damnit!
from showinggrace :
when and if you are up to telling the story, I'd like to know. and, in the meantime, much love to you.
from i-am-jack :
Wow, that is a long time to be there. From the sound of your entry about being with him, it should be incredible. I can't help but wonder if your life feels a bit like a movie right now.
from starzero :
i'm super excited for you.
from ofenchant :
Two weeks!
from starzero :
every change brings the chance for ruination. but also for glory. it is the pursuit of glory that takes us to the brink of ruin, that makes us vulnerable to destruction. do we take the chance or stay home afraid? once chance in three that we'll get somewhere. stay home, crash and burn, or find something better? every day brings the same possibilities. i say chase what feels best.
from i-am-jack :
So poetic and true. Especially the part about the awkward throat sounds in a quiet library.
from starzero :
sounds like you've made the right decisions lately. keep it up. i'm happy for you.
from showinggrace :
You're my hero and I'm pulling for you. I hope it is what it should be and all it can be and more.
from ofenchant :
*cries* If you sent it from a new account it must have gone to my junk account and now it's gone! I don't remember seeing it I'm sorry but aimeelj is the right one to send to I must remember to look more closely in future. But I miss you and hope you are well my dear girl xoxoxox
from ofenchant :
Thank youuuuu!!!! Well we just moved so I haven't had the net in forever but I have aimeelj but nothing emailwise connected to this place so I just happened to check in and saw your notes :-D. How are you???
from euphoria21 :
"and I had to tell him that he wasn't allowed to go on walks with us. Poor Mortimer." - Talk about great use of imagination. Loved it. Long time Missy.
from komachi :
I just wanted to stop by and say hi. I used to read you a long long time ago. I went away... but glad to see you have been still writing here :-)
from showinggrace :
why do I keep calling you sister?
from showinggrace :
Ain't that the truth, sister.
from showinggrace :
Sleep, sister; it makes all the difference.
from nwgirlchild :
The head is troubling enough, but be careful with a stomach irritated by pain meds.
from nwgirlchild :
hello again. I have sent an email & hope it finds its way to you.
from nwgirlchild :
I'd love such a CD. Where do I sign up?
from starzero :
dland doesn't seem able to forward those emails to me. try kenyonc at gmail instead.
from starzero :
i think it's better to feel on guard, as you do, than jaded, tired, and numb, as i fear i will when this wrecked train finally comes to a stop. but i'm not sure.
from tessman :
Ha! I'm glad you are still here. I was just reviewing things for purposes that will remain veiled, and saw the linked entry mentioning your relevance. I think your other guestbook is on the fritz. or perhaps just broken. I was just reading this: http://tessman.diaryland.com/139.html and I thought I'd mention that it's delightful to see you are still issuing forth relevance.
from i-am-jack :
"how wounded I am every time I'm left behind. Lives drift apart and each set of hands letting go breaks another something inside of me." I relate to this so much. This whole entry struck a chord with me, but especially these lines.
from starzero :
yes of course that's what we all want only we don't all know it. i think, with your entry, i'm starting to see that i'd like a witness. a partner. there's a child, and there's family, and there's a gf, but i don't feel there's someone who fits together with me like a puzzle, a complement. someone i'm really open with, and open to. someone i don't fear. someone who shares life with me. it's a void and i'd forgotten how painful it is. like choking on smoke, burning my lungs, searing my eyes. how have i made it this far?
from euphoria21 :
I so wish you were on Facebook, I hardly ever go on here. I'm disappointed in myself for not having anything worth putting down on paper for so long. I wouldn't mind being miserable again, even if just for a little while so I can write again, with sustance.
from iwantoomuch :
P.S. I just read your Signs post and it was totally perfect.
from ofenchant :
Everytime I play my Cake cds, I think of you. And I have just fallen in love with Commissioning a Symphony in C. So I play it over and over and desperately wish that my comic book (still in my head form) was in movie form that started with that song. And damnit, I wish you much happiness!
from euphoria21 :
Psst...Surprise!! I haven't been here for a while, okay a LONG while but you were the first person I looked to see in red, and you never disappoint. Tssk, love is a tricky little bastard, and he'll get his. I still can't believe he has yet to realize the amazing woman that's clinging to his every word even when he thinks no one else is listening to him.
from nwgirlchild :
From one 2nd place girl to another: Yes, you absolutely do deserve better.
from i-am-jack :
Despite any uncanny resemblances, I am the same old Jack you have always known here. Sorry for the mindfuck. That is a very strange thought to think someone else's life might sound like mine these last few months. Anyway it was a nice surprise to see a note from you. It is nice to know you are still out there and reading.
from suckledhoney :
I'm leaving this note on a few diaries, as I need a little help or at least some suggestions. I need some new (to me, anyway) music or to be sparked to some old (to me, anyway) music. I need something that is at once passionate and sexy and beautiful. Any suggestions you could give me would be deeply appreciated.
from suckledhoney :
Thank you and, also, thank you for running with the idea from my entry.
from starzero :
it's interesting because that's one of the few places i feel safe. my relationship is ending, i have to find new housing, i'm slightly panicked about how to handle my 12-yr-old's pending adolescence, but work persists. sorry, i know that's not any help. usually it's the relationship realm that throws me down a bottomless pit, but i'm not letting it this time. the older i get, the less anything means.
from suckledhoney :
All the knockdown/getbackups aren't fair, but you're certainly good at it...at least you've always seemed so to me. I wish you didn't need to weather this, but I also know you will. Much love your way. And much hope, too.
from bebelua :
um. what? how? by choice? were you laid off? was this planned? dude. more details before we all freak out!
from suckledhoney :
What's going on?
from candoor :
wow, 2008?...
from nwgirlchild :
yay for our month!
from starzero :
i have a target on my chest. fire.
from ofenchant :
I'm writing books and imagining nonsensical things with colourful images which is almost as good. I hope all is well with you and that magical things are forever lurking around the corner!
from ofenchant :
I just left myself a message for you. ?? What drugs am I taking? Anyway, I hope you got the email. xoxo
from errantnights :
Remember this, no matter what someone did: that they once were just a kid at breast and in bib, in blanket and crib. So just reach inside yourself and find the part that still needs help, find that part in someone else and you’ll do good.
from i-am-nice :
okay.
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to let you know I have really been enjoying the new fictions journal. Keep up the good work. :^}'
from i-am-jack :
At least you are not reading the labels on things you keep in the bathroom, lol.
from starzero :
i'm still coming to terms with erasing the past. i'm also coming to terms with hating guestbook.
from ofenchant :
You need to do something drastic.
from i-am-jack :
It has been fucked up for a long time. Not just with not being able to sign, but I can not even access mine to change the layout or anything. I wanted to put some screen caps of the coffee at the support group in the movie, on there. But I have not been able to get in for maybe a year? It is ridiculous.
from i-am-jack :
I can never sign your guestbook anymore. It never lets me.
from i-am-jack :
"Maybe I should try living in the world and not work so hard at the thinking or the heart stuff." Maybe it is just me, but that sounds like certain death. To be able to survive in this bland real world, you need your heart and head, even if it does not seem like it sometimes.
from starzero :
our hearts are at war with our minds. when they can find peace, we will be happy and free.
from starzero :
i was ender once
from i-am-jack :
About your entry, sometimes you just need a lazy day like that to think things through.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks ;^}'
from nwgirlchild :
Oh, I know--it was on your page that I first heard of the song. Thank you.
from nwgirlchild :
jerk
from nwgirlchild :
How about a hug?
from starzero :
sometimes i think everything past is imagined. sometimes i just wish it was.
from osakamoment :
firstly: are there any better lyrics about fighting/break-ups than James lyrics? Hardly. (Is the price of love worth the pain of loss?) second: april is my month, but february is terminally unlucky for me. I am sorry I missed dropping bday wishes on you on the appropriate day. Happy belated anyway.
from euphoria21 :
Why's you block your page thingy?
from i-am-jack :
Since Signmyguestbook is always down every time I have tried to post, I will just leave you a note. Well, I am not sure whether or not the puzzle can be finished, but I definitely know what Internet love is like. My experience with it was an enjoyable stalemate, that was neither a real "relationship" but it was more than friends, and a lot more than two text entities communicating. It was some of the most frustrating, yet amazing love I ever knew.
from i-am-jack :
I definitely understand about not wanting to tell me the password in a note. It always gets me when people do that. Anyway, I sent you an email, the subject says "From Jack" incase it ends up in your spam box. Thanks for still giving me one despite me pulling my longest disappearing act yet. ;^}'
from i-am-jack :
I know I have not been around in forever, but I was wondering could I have a password?
from starzero :
there's a difference between overthinking and seeing something as a puzzle to be solved. i don't think there is a satisfactory solution to this problem--at least i can't see one--but i can see how i would spend hours and hours and tons of energy trying to work through every possible angle in my head, even after time forced one thing or another to happen. six years from now i'd revisit it, second-guessing everything, missing what worked, regretting what didn't, wishing it could have been different. 'twas a time when a situation such as yours would have paralyzed me, had it been my own. i do not envy you, but i will think on it when i have the opportunity and share those thoughts with you at a later date. good luck.
from bebelua :
of course i want the unlocking details. duh. ;) (bebelua at mac dot com)
from euphoria21 :
HA! The Queen of Sarcasm (in regards to your last entry). How goes it, honey?
from ofenchant :
Hello sweet girl, that all sounds fabulous! My computer has a virus at the moment, I can only log on for 2 minutes at a time and I don't want to email it to you, so as soon as I can, I shall send the details. Hope you are well in all sunshine *love* Amz
from euphoria21 :
Babe, go read my new favourite ;) entry!!!!
from euphoria21 :
Your Oct 17th entry titles "took me too long to notice {Just because you love love doesn't make you any good at it.)". Woman, please. I doubt you'd make a bad girlfriend, and besides I won't allow your opinion to count on that one. So there. Muah xoxoxoxo.
from reddirtgirl :
Girl, I know--I so miss the old Lorelai. I largely blame the new writers, but Lauren Graham has to take her share of the credit. SO lame.
from i-am-jack :
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. Maybe in a misery loves company way, you might feel better to know that the same stupid things have been plaguing me, I have similiar things that I can not stop caring about, well worrying about and obsessing myself to death over. ;^/ One of the reasons I have not been writing here is I feel I have nothing to document. All of my moods seem too stupid to document.
from starzero :
the other screwy thing about notes is that, without dates, it's hard to know to what entries they refer. i want to read each one in the context of the most recent entry, but often that doesn't make any sense. or sometimes it does but it's clearly wrong. - next year i hope to try nanowrimo. i hope to arrange my life so as to be able to do it. that's kind of a stupid statement, that i have to organize myself before i can write, and that i'm putting off the novel a full year, but when it comes i'm going to attack. i have the ideas, i have the ability, i just don't have the wherewithal to follow through. let's make a change, let's have a party. - i hate being 30. it feels like such a waste of my life.
from ofenchant :
No you wouldn't. Unfortunately a significant amount of males who don't realize there are gorgeous gals like yourself out there, will put up with complete bitches who have ruined it for the rest of the female population. I actually know more decent guys than decent women and you, my friend, are most definitely decent. So it makes me sad to hear you say that. *love*
from i-am-jack :
I have that realization quite often, that at least right now in my life, I would not be any good for anyone. Sometimes I think of it in a pitiful way, but most of the time, I just see it as the truth. Now just is not the time. I tried posting this at your guestbook last night and today, but it is just not going through, so if suddenly you get multiple posts, I am sorry about that.
from starzero :
out of curiousity, why would you be horrible?
from euphoria21 :
I'll go check it out.
from euphoria21 :
No, but on my Outlook I can chat and shoot the shit I'll email it to you.
from euphoria21 :
WOW! Ironically enough I just finished reading your last entry. Freaky. Hey, I miss you in that weird we-never-met-but-I-only-go-to-diaryland-to-check-up-on-you way. <3
from starzero :
how is the reggae radiohead? i was told the reggae pink floyd was terrible, and these are the same people....
from euphoria21 :
"you can't keep friends who won't be kept" - ain't it the truth?!? Miss you doll.
from osakamoment :
I love you so much. I really do. You make clouds vanish from my head; you have from the moment I first laid eyes on your diary.
from starzero :
in my view, the point of being human is trying to enjoy as much of what little time you do have. for some this is harder than for others. (those of us who are not human have different concerns, i presume, but i'm still keen on enjoying what i can)
from starzero :
friends? you can't keep anything that won't be kept. and nothing can keep you.
from euphoria21 :
YOu have a way with words and your dreams have a way with me. You manage to always make me smile. Always.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you. I am glad that I am not the only one.
from ofenchant :
Thank you, yay! *claps also* We rock.
from ofenchant :
Hi, I've decided to quit Uni again. Three times a not so charm. I just don't want to do it. I've decided to become an artist instead, it's what I've always wanted. It seems so simple and stupid that it's taken me six years to come to this realization, but I'm not going to be the starving kind ... I'm gonna be the works in whatever jobs to support herself kind. Here's hoping! But I miss you, I hope magic comes again *nods*. xoxoxo
from osakamoment :
Been thinking of you a lot lately. I hope you're doing well.
from euphoria21 :
I love those crazy cat lady stories, but I too am a romantic, I don't admit it often or to too many people but dammit I am. Funny how it took me to date a GUY to realize this though. Oh well, stranger things have happened to lesbians, haven't they?
from i-am-jack :
I know exactly what you mean by that thick bar. When I read that I could hardly believe it. For months I have felt like there is this metal pipe that runs down the back of my neck and down to about the middle of my back. The feeling comes and goes, but that is what it feels like.
from euphoria21 :
"When I couldn't put off getting ready for work any more I closed my book" I wish I could get ready for work by just reading a book. I miss you. I wish you lived closer. I know you'd be the one I'd love to run to when things where at their best/worse. <3
from i-am-jack :
Thank you so much for that note. It was really reassuring to know that someone related and has experienced the same thing. I know what you mean about this place being home. This entire time of sporadic updates, I have been on to read my list every day. So, even when I have been gone, I have not been entirely gone. I have not checked my link list in months. Right now it is best that I don't.
from osakamoment :
You've been tagged: http://osakamoment.diaryland.com/060508_6.html
from euphoria21 :
I was looking at past notes that had been left to me on this thing and realized that you've left very memorable ones. I hope oyu're doing well. Been so busy working and with other junk to really write i nhere, but yet I can manage to spend more time on MySpace and that's just not right. I miss you dearly. I just wanted you to know that.
from reddirtgirl :
I know, Lane is WAY TOO COOL for that guy. He's barely bipedal, and the old Lane would have never gone out with him--remember when she had that crush on Dean's friend who turned out to be stupid, and she never wanted to see him again? Gah. What happened to that Lane?
from osakamoment :
I hope the 31st year is better.
from reddirtgirl :
That is so funny about the double Sherilyn Fenn action on Gilmore Girls. I can't believe I didn't put that together myself. I guess she really gets around, eh?
from euphoria21 :
Thanks honey!
from euphoria21 :
I liked your last entry of just like old friends. It sounds like alot of my conversations on the phone. Take care luv.
from i-am-jack :
I understand not wanting dead links on your layout. YOU have had the password all of this time I hope? There were some people I just sent it to, whether they asked or not,and I was pretty sure that you were one of them. If not, I apologize. Last night, I decided to unlock, because as far as I can see, the reason that I locked up in the first place has passed. I am not sure why it mattered but being locked, was detering me from writing. I am not sure how much it will help but I knocked down that literal writer's block now that I do not need it anymore.
from i-am-jack :
;^{' I noticed I was not listed on your new layout with your other Diaryland friends. I have still been reading you, I just have not been commenting anywhere that much anymore.
from osakamoment :
Thanks :). I wish I'd made the layout, but mostly I just downloaded it and added my own touches.
from osakamoment :
I'm not writing, just rearranging. Sorry.
from euphoria21 :
Happy New Years, Jen!
from euphoria21 :
Thanks, you're an absolute doll! As soon as I can get a minute to sit and listen to the other lyrics to write them down I will. Leaving to New York next Thursday for vacation. Hey, have I asked before...are you on MySpace? Just wondering. Muah!
from euphoria21 :
I've been wanting to ask you ever since you mailed me those c.d.s for Valentine's. There's a song on the mixed c.d., track #5, and for the love of all that is good I have no idea who he is and I want to know so I can keep on getting some more of his stuff. Lyrics start with the words..."I'll die today, but I'm still breathing, bleeding for now and broken. You left me here capsized and sinking, thinking right now there's no more good guys. You left me standing here alone and cold..." ring any bells????? Hope it does. Help. There are a few people on that c.d. that I have no clue who they are and I would love to...let me know Jen. Thanks honey, Vy
from euphoria21 :
*blows kisses your way* Have a lovely day. I miss you!
from i-am-jack :
I know what you mean. All of that drifting has definitely helped me feel disenchanted with the internet lately.
from i-am-jack :
Even though I have not written in my journal in almost 2 months, I have been coming to the site almost every day and keeping up with everyone else's journals. I am still out there. Every day, I tell myself that I am going to say something, somehow it never happens.
from i-am-jack :
I love your new layout. It instantly caught my attention.
from euphoria21 :
The poem was beautiful. I have missed you though. This Hurricane Wilma really was a bitch to us, far worse than Katrina! Hope you are doing well. Hugs and kisses darling! xoxoxo
from euphoria21 :
Please, baby, where's this "site" you're talking about. I want to go. Do you write in it, tell me honey. Send it to my yahoo if you want. Miss you dearly!!!
from osakamoment :
you're so beautiful.
from wonderchai :
damn, you said it perfectly. misery, commence. also, if you're into german art cinema and decent wine, i've got both, and maybe we should make a date of it? :)
from euphoria21 :
Didn't want to start my day without letting you know that you were in my thoughts today. Miss you dearly, honey.
from osakamoment :
you rule so very much and have the best taste in music. You know I'm a whore for your musical suggestions and a glutton for your words. And I love you so much in distant ways that I know will never foritify you. But love you still!
from euphoria21 :
I enjoyed the song very much. Where did you get it? Miss you dearly.
from euphoria21 :
I loved your last entry. You're angry, are you not? I miss you.
from euphoria21 :
"Books and movies and music are echoing reality too closely." - I feel pretty stupid to quote only this when I know I should have that entire last entry marked down in these notes to you. I know you read 'em and I'd like to think that sometimes they even sink in, or even marinade in your thoughts at times. There have been times (plenty of them) that I've agreed with you tenfold, but after 10 years of being in love with someone they've come back into my life, full force, and have NOW told me that they feel the same for me. I would like to say that I feel elated, and don't get me wrong, at times I do, but we know each other soo well and she knows I'm not ready to be in a realy relationship right. Hell, I can't even be in an imaginary one either. My life right now is pure chaos, with school and moving out soon, that we both know that if we've waited this long to be together we can wait a while longer. It kills me that she's right and that we're on the smae page of the same book - finally, but now we still wait. We wait for a better time, because we're fools, we're waiting for more solid ground - because we want to be able to nurture each other. Sorry this was so long, but I really appreciate your friendship and I only wish that you can tell me one day, "Violet, things are better, much better" Love ya honey, ^V^
from euphoria21 :
Have I told you that you're amazing? If you didn't knw it yet, go look at my 'favorite entries' page, it'll help you remember.
from euphoria21 :
Sorry to hear about your six hour drive to Ikea. More of a Crate & Barrel girl myself. Hey, you know what? I've missed you. Just finished listening to 'Such Great Heights' - The Postal Service, and it just made me smile and I'm hoping you're doing fine. Since you like to take long drives how about coming down to Miami, or NY (going to be there in December) Miss you dearly love. My girl fell in love with your Valentines c.d. <smooches>
from euphoria21 :
Funny how you got into my dreams. I always pictured myself dying that same way. Eerie.
from euphoria21 :
Yeah...James. Good DVD. Honey, you need to hear The Perishers. You'll like them..I swear..muah!
from euphoria21 :
<<<HUGS>>>
from euphoria21 :
Well, you know Jen(clearing throat)you know if you do come down to Miami, you'll have a friend waiting to go get some coffee or tea with you...
from euphoria21 :
The thought of you crossed my mind and it made me smile...just thought you'd like to know that, Jen.
from euphoria21 :
I don't know why it's taken me so long to bring this up but you know how you got me into The Decemberists and all, well, when I went to the Sarah McLachlan concert she had the band The Perishers open up for her. They're a Swedish band and there's a song that Sarah sang with them at the concert called "Pills". It so makes me think of you. I'll send you their info to you via e-mail. Talk to you later, honey...
from euphoria21 :
Since I believe that you and I can carry a friendship for years, hell, eons with nothing more than movie quotes and great music I have a quote for the note you left me from one of my all time favorite Angelina Jolie flicks, 'Playing By Heart'... Joan: You can't treat people the way you treat them and then say something adorable like that. You tend to disappear at times and that dream of yours means more to me than you'd ever know, because someone else besides myself dreamt that I was pregnant. That made me happy. Canada's cold, and I actually wouldn't mind going there. Well, if you ever see yourself in Miami, or in a few years passing thru N.Y. let me know and we'll get some coffee and chill.
from euphoria21 :
I can't believe I forgot that one. Seems like I'm going to have to watch it again...oh, the burden!!! :)
from euphoria21 :
Ah darling, and I miss you too(wink) :) Here are some of my favorite quotes from the movie. Nancy Nan Astley: Don't you know? Didn't she tell you... Walter Bliss: She told me that you were sweethearts... of a kind. Nancy Nan Astley: [despondent] Of a kind? Did she tell you that we fuck each other? Walter Bliss: [calmly] I don't care to use such language, Nan... but even if I did, I wouldn't use that term. I think you'll find you need a man to do that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nancy Nan Astley: But I didn't want to be her sister... I wanted to be her sweetheart! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diana Lethaby: [after her and Nan's first romp] Oh, you exquisite little tart! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Florence Banner: [after overhearing a prostitute in the women's bar talk about an easy and enjoyable job, Florence looks truly puzzled] Tipping the velvet? Why what ever can THAT be? Nancy Nan Astley: [rather surprised at the question] You don't know? Florence Banner: [Smiling] Well it sounds like something to do with dress making or millinary, but it can't be. No one would pay to watch that. Nancy Nan Astley: [Laughing] No. It isn't. Florence Banner: Well what then? Florence Banner: [Nan has showed Florence the tip of her tongue, then pointedly nodded and looked at Florence's lap] Oh! [she says, shocked but somewhat titilated]
from concerted :
*watches you* I love Neutral Milk Hotel. Don't help me tie horrible memories to them, please. *love*
from starzero :
you scare me.
from euphoria21 :
<<<<HUGS>>>>>
from i-am-jack :
Your entry today sums up how I have been feeling lately.
from concerted :
How'd you know I needed that song? I downloaded Quiet Inside and...it already means so much to me.
from euphoria21 :
Now, now honey...you need to know that sometimes I ride on the short bus! But I get it now. I'm so happy, that now you took back what was yours. <<<<HUGS>>>>
from euphoria21 :
So now I'm even more confused (so typical of me!) so is the name yours already or is it like rent...are you waiting for the first dy of the month for it to officially become yours? Ah, who cares, you're back and I'm so happy. Oh Jen, happy is an UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!!!!!!!! :)
from iwantoomuch :
Hi (SQUUIIIIIIIISH!) I miss you so, let's be friends! Hehee. Hi!
from euphoria21 :
Is it true, honey? Will you be getting your old name back "the fictions"? Let me know.
from i-am-jack :
I emailed you a password. ;^}'
from euphoria21 :
Hi Jen, I miss you. :) I hope you have yourself a great weekend.
from hissandtell :
Hi - please forgive my rudeness in not leaving you a note sooner. I was here the other day and read several of your entries, but DL was being uncooperative and swallowing my words. Thanks so much for reading me; I'm looking forward to catching up on more of your excellent writing. Love, R xxx
from euphoria21 :
I hate the fact that after this tormenting weekend I understand exactly what you're feeling, I actually had to read it twice - because I thought I had written it myself. I've come to learn rather quickly that TRUST is a very powerful word, I'm starting to think it's as powerful as LOVE, whatever that may be right now.
from euphoria21 :
Hoping you have yourself a great day hun, I miss you.
from euphoria21 :
Wow! I'm just surprised you're going to add to that. That was great. Miss you.
from concerted :
:)
from euphoria21 :
I've missed you honey. I'm not sure if it's easy to find someone that could compliment your writing. You have a very unique way of putting things into perspective. The idea, though, is wonderful. I only did that with my cousin for one year, we kept a notebook and I'd start with something and when I didn't know where to stop I'd end it. Sometimes in mid-sentence and she'd have to finish it along. Depending on our moods that day, it ws great.
from concerted :
I'm always "away" but I'm usually really there. :) If ever you send me a message signalling you'd like to talk, I'd probably be there. I just don't like everyone knowing I'm around. Nutso, I know.
from euphoria21 :
Been leaving little notes here and there to my readers but darling I always leave you for last because *that* saying is true and there isn't a day you don't cross my mind. That's why it's such a great idea to give someone who loves music as much as I do a few c.d.s. *That'll do it everytime* Just in case you were wondering (cause I know you were) I'm doing much better. I've decided to part with the one thing that was making me unhappy. Parting from things isn't always a bad thing. You're always in my thoughts.
from thefictions :
i need to thank you again for getting me into the decemberists.
from euphoria21 :
They rock, yup, yup!! Miss ya.
from euphoria21 :
Oh darling, that c.d. sounds good. I miss you! Happy St. Paddy's Day!!
from fwordslut :
you write so beautiful. You should write a book.
from euphoria21 :
Just read your note on my 'A'. thanks dearie.
from euphoria21 :
"The death of comfortable affection." I've missed you honey. I probably should know and it would seem stupid to ask but still...besides a rattled heart, how are things going for you? That little sentence of yours that I copied on top...very good.
from pragmatics :
love gilmore girls! love! i have missed the last two weeks, but they are saved at a friend's house, and she has loyally vowed not to watch them without me!
from euphoria21 :
"a bad case of the shits"...genious!!!
from pragmatics :
i have that ray charles song! ray and betty carter, and i find her a little annoying and him just wonderful. i am reading lots of cookbooks
from concerted :
Happy birthday.
from euphoria21 :
Oh Jen, darling, I'm so sorry. Happy Belated Birthday. You never told me, how ws I to know? I wish you only the best sweetheart! I have missed you dearly. xoxoxo
from candoor :
maybe V-Day is a holiday I can celebrate old favorites, at least until I am mutually in love again... so Happy Valentine's Day :)
from euphoria21 :
Yes, I did. I spent it with my mom and sister and my niece and nephews. They took me to a park that we used to go to when we were kids and my mom brought food and my sister made a cake. I got the new Ani Difranco c.d. That rocked! Thanks honey.
from euphoria21 :
Thank you honey, *blushing*
from euphoria21 :
Look straight at the coming disaster Realize what you've lost You keep handing out horseshoes Horseshoes have got to be tossed" WOW!!!
from thefictions :
hey, i think you would really enjoy "eleanor rigby" by douglas coupland. i'm 80% of the way through and it's brilliant and i may be wrong in assuming but i believe you would enjoy it.
from euphoria21 :
Password please, miss you.
from i-am-jack :
If you are going to be updating here, could I have a password please?
from euphoria21 :
Regardless of your response, I was hoping there was room for just one more person to help dig alongside of you. I've been kinda going thru the same thing, I've learned not to write about it anymore. I don't want people telling me "It'll be okay", I'm not good at believing things like that...as long as there's music while we dig, I can go all night...
from o-twinkle-o :
*hugs.*
from thefictions :
www.misprintedtype.com
from euphoria21 :
Muah, miss you Jen.
from euphoria21 :
Oh darling I've missed you so much it's ridiculous. And look at that, you wrote down your favorite albums list. You know I have your 'Valentines' cd and The Decemberists cd in my office and at home. I can't be without them not even for a day. I do hope this year has been treating you a little bit better than last. God, I'm gushing of how happy I am to hear you're back! *does the happy dance* xoxoxo Vy
from mrs-roboto :
Oh my home movies is definitely the best. "He is Franz Kafka! Franz Kaftka! Franz Kafka!"
from starzero :
the allmusic guide finishes their review of the lovage instrumentals (which they prefer to the vocal version) with this line: While this album may not be an all-engrossing listen, it is perfectly ideal for when the party is down to just four or five people and you don't really care if they leave or just crash on the floor.
from starzero :
i bought lovage cheap, used, only to discover it was the instrumental version. as a big fan of mike patton, that was something of a letdown. jennifer charles has a nice voice too. however, i haven't bought the vocal version yet, so i guess it wasn't too terrible.
from euphoria21 :
Ah honey, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better but I don't think Hallmark has made a card for your situation. I CAN say that I know exactly how you feel. That happened to me a few short years back and you said it perfectly. I does kill you when you talk to them and when you don't it also kills you. It's the worst pain ever. You spend all day trying to find someone that would put you out of your misery. If you need anything you know how to reach me. Love you Jen.
from candoor :
worse than locked, it says you only have two entries... did you delete them?... move?... at least your notes work so I can wish you a merry happy new year... hope you are well :)
from euphoria21 :
Happy New Years Jen, hope you enjoyed it!
from euphoria21 :
You came to mind yesterday while I was listening to a lovely song (I believe it was 'Two Little Girls' by Ani) and...I love it when you come to mind. Miss you dearly!
from concerted :
:(
from euphoria21 :
Anytime Jen, anytime :)
from euphoria21 :
I was looking at my old notes pages and I came across this lil' note from you. I love you honey..."Take it like this: I appreciate your offer of a pedestal, but I'm afraid of heights."
from euphoria21 :
Hey Jen, I sent out my Christmas cards out yesterday morning, you should be getting it soon. Love ya, Vy
from euphoria21 :
why? I'm feening? why locked?
from iwantoomuch :
*cries*
from o-twinkle-o :
locked? may i?
from euphoria21 :
Ah sweetheart, I've missed you too. Hope things are doing good in your neck of the woods...
from i-am-jack :
;^}' I wish I had an equally potent word to express my gratitude and thanks for your never ending support. If such powerful words existed, the world would be a better place.
from concerted :
here's my little note about a locked diary. "johnny" and "thunders" if you're interested.
from concerted :
you going bye bye.
from concerted :
so. not. fair.
from i-am-jack :
I can not wait for your new "home" to be ready.
from lifezacircle :
How old are you? You are a very talented writer. Even though i am only a 17yr old taking an english class on composition and barely passing i can tell that you are talented. I can tell because i can FEEL it. I can feel it when i read the words and phrases you chose to express your thoughts in. Although you don't know me, and I don't know you, you have affected me. I am affected by you. so your cool. .. . . . stay cool. K? Have a nice day.
from concerted :
It's so frightening reading the words you write, knowing just how they feel from the inside and how the song changes but nothing else seems to. I've bookmarked you. I'll follow you. I wish I had more to offer.
from euphoria21 :
Oh how I've needed you around, how I've missed you entirely too much for my own sanity...
from candoor :
we do what we feel we must, but slash and burn is almost as fruitless as running away and I tend to think that even if we don't like a tree, we should not negate the fruit it produces nor should be destroy the fruit it has produced... so think of the tree and let it be.
from euphoria21 :
On a night like tonight I wish I could read some of your "nothingness", but each time I go there, I feel the emptiness of your little box, with no words for me. I miss that.
from vanoonoo :
:(
from iwantoomuch :
But I wish that I was there with you.
from concerted :
this is just not good news for the people who love you, but if you must...I understand. Sometimes destruction is the most appealing idea out there. But what you learn when you're done is you still have the ache and now you're standing at a pile of rubble, too. Good luck, dear.
from euphoria21 :
I've missed you darling.
from i-am-jack :
I know. ;^{' It just bothers me alot more than it should when people leave. That entry was not pointed at anyone in particular. Lately this place has been feeling vacant.
from euphoria21 :
I miss you honey. I hope life is treating you good!
from euphoria21 :
"diaryland is kind of odd, because its intention is as a diary, like the one you wrote in every night when you were younger and kept under your bed, never intended for anyone to see. and you kept writing in it, even though there was no comments page, and nobody ever gave you feedback."-kinda makes sense. I miss you dear. :)
from i-am-jack :
;^{' Sadly, I think I understand, even though it still makes me sad. Believe me, I know all about disappearing and silences. Sometimes I just need to "die" and then come back to life again later. Sometimes, I feel like I can not do this anymore, for the same reason you had to stop. Sometimes it bothers me that this door to my mind is open, and just anyone can walk in. Especially because some people I know in real life read this. Its like I can not say what I want to say, and the integrity of the entire thing is lost. Then I get frustrated and question everything. I think about what it would be like to disappear myself, to finally cut one more part of myself off. But I can't. Even if the sense of connection is not what it used to be, and I feel like the best has already been experienced and can never be repeated. I think we both torture ourselves with silence and deprivation. We feel this need to break ourselves apart and then shut down. Lately I have been fighting a big shut down. ;^{' Anyway, I miss you and am hoping maybe one day you will come back. That maybe your Phoenix cycles run longer than mine. If you have them. I just don't want to lose touch with yet another person.
from iwantoomuch :
Woot!
from i-am-jack :
I just wanted to say that I miss you.
from euphoria21 :
Oh God no! Don't ever think that, it's just sad that the one person that I'd always run to go see if they had a new entry was you, I just miss you, that's all! But you had to do what felt right and I respect that! :) See, I'm okay.
from euphoria21 :
What also sucks is that now, all of the ones I have as favorites I can't go back to and read, and that makes me so sad...
from iwantoomuch :
I LOVE you and I MISS you and I'm THINKING of you too, *big squishes*, be weller :-)
from euphoria21 :
I need to know you're still around be it with another name or somewhere in e-mail land. I miss you dearly.
from i-am-jack :
;^{' I didn't mean to make you feel bad, or sound demanding. They're your words, naturally you have the power to decide what to do with them. You didn't let me down, I am just really sad that it had to be that way. That you feel that way. This sort of thing just seems to happen too often. Its always the best writers that do this too. ;^{' That really sucks that you lost all of the fictions. My favorite one was about the guy who crawled up into the ceiling in the office. Anyway, I am sorry you felt the need to recoil. I can't say that I have never felt the urge to tear down all my entries too.
from i-am-jack :
I was really sad when I saw that you deleted even all your old entries. I never understood why people do that. Even if I stopped writing, I would leave up the old entries. Well until they were shutdown by Diaryland for inactivity. It just makes me really, undescribably sad to see people kill their art. Something that they put so much thought, feeling and energy into. Something they would have been horribly upset if Diaryland glitched and ate, at the time they made it. Then they turn around and delete it later. I didn't list 7 or so of your entries in my favorite entries for no reason. Anyway, thanks for still reading me.
from deifortuna :
I haven't been updating regularly, but I was just checking in today to catch up with some of the journals on my favorites. I'm glad that you've found a happiness you don't feel you should worry about. Whether or not you close the doors for good, I wish you good luck, and I thank you for all the wonderful writing I've read this past year. -Chris
from euphoria21 :
i have it on my favorites and I look at at atleast twice a month, but I don't think I've ever told you how much I love reading your entry titled "the whole never equals the sum of its parts"...I wish I had written it..
from iwantoomuch :
Even my pixels seem much too far away from your pixels and I think I might cry! Hee. I'm going away for a few days and then I'm going to come back and send you lots and LOTS of pixels, because I miss you very, very big and I hope that you are magnificent.
from euphoria21 :
"I still feel pretty certain that my {not so} distant future involves a large number of cats and becoming the kind of crazy old lady who yells at kids to get off her lawn,.." Ah baby, you remembered that. I'll be waiting for you with my stockings rolled down to my ankles and a I'll be ready to sound like a foghorn whenever those darn kids get too close to my lilies. Damn them. *I'm shocked about something though, I didn't know you and thefictions was..well you know, I thought that was a guy. I don't know why but I did. It's funny how I manage to find you no matter how much you try to hide. I seek you out...I love you and I want to wish you only the best and you have been the best thing to happen to me in diaryland, but I think deep down inside you already know that. Keep in touch and I'm glad you're finally happy baby!!! xoxoxo
from mrs-roboto :
Good luck to you. I'm happy you've found solace. You will be missed (although I'll be visiting you elsewhere on the information super highway).
from sadmoonbeam :
much love and luck to you too :)
from finalscore :
i hope things go well for you in the future. :] and hey, cats and being a crazy old lady isn't so bad.
from euphoria21 :
Jen babe, what's with that "Argh"? Are you okay? Let me know, don't get me worried...
from blu-ta2 :
They say tragedy, and sorrow, and love and bliss, and hate, and confusion and regret, are feelings that mixed and scrambled are the perfect recipe for brilliant writing....but I must say that wanting that don't seem to arrive and revelations that seem to arrive much to late are the feelings that take us to the brink, which releases us from the ordinary feelings we write about to the extraordinary ideas we are remembered for.....Bravo!
from euphoria21 :
Hey Jen, I just got 2 new c.d.s, w/ Etta, Billie, Frank, Doris, etc and as soon as I can burn them I will send them to u, just because...xoxoxoxo :)
from euphoria21 :
Babe, I know this might sound dumb but I needed that...xoxo
from euphoria21 :
P.S. I'm sad, my Valentine's C.D. is scratched so nasty. I take care of my c.d.s but I guess that's what happens when you listen to them nonstop. That sucks :(
from euphoria21 :
There's something different going on with you darling. I'm not exactly sure what it is but things in your neck of the universe have slighted shifted and I'm not sure if I like it much; and something tells me you wouldn't get affected by what I'm telling you because I'm not just "some girl" from d-land I'm one of the ones that you think of when you write your entries because you know I'm always anxious to read them. I also know that you usually have low expectations of yourself, for the most part, and you assume that everyone else does to(not that they do). It's like you're cooking a famous dish of yours and you've forgotten a very important spice. I miss you. If you want to respond you know my e-mail.
from emoboysrule :
your new template is amazing.<3
from euphoria21 :
Babe, I've missed you so much. I love ur new layout.
from blu-ta2 :
Offerings,A river of time,wordless....If I follow you into the rabbits whole...would you teach me your magic.
from blu-ta2 :
Love your insite on everyday little things, we somehow seem to skip over, like on skipping rocks in the water. Yes I also agree that euphoria21 is a recommended read...she's my sister!
from euphoria21 :
By the way, you know that line you have in your profile about burning the letters you write to yourself, if you ever think about it, don't...give 'em to me and I promise to make you famous. You are a legend waiting to happen.
from euphoria21 :
I told you even if you didn't believe it...I am one of your biggest fans, so much so that after 2 years my sister finally joined and not just that, she has you on her "fave" list. Great minds think alike. Miss you. Oh and I'm in the process of burning the c.d.s for my sister. Do you have the new Modest Mouse yet?!?
from blu-ta2 :
Talking one day to my sis whom you know as(euphoria21)a conversation of you arose, followed by, you should join! Then other admiringly phrases about you where thrown about...finally I sucumbed to my curiosity and got to read a bit about my sisters muse. Funny! my skeptisism about was the thought that I might not have anything good or witty or humorous to say.... just then I realized that here anything goes, and I didn't have to be fun all the time nor witty. Simply because some ones hum drum events, might just be someone elses fascinating reading pleassure.
from euphoria21 :
Here, here. That was something I took to heart. I needed to read affirmations like that, even if they weren't my own.
from euphoria21 :
Good girl, I like hearing that things are going well. Stop thinking about the "what ifs" and just enjoy the "what is this, I like it". Trust me, in the end you'll feel less guilty about it in the mornin'. I love you, miss you, and I hope things keep going as good for you as they are going for me...xoxoxo
from pragmatics :
pssst...
from euphoria21 :
I always like hearing what you have to say. I get happy when I see your name in red... :)
from irish-jack :
wah-CHA! I'm adding gusto to your notes! Zam! (words that start with 'Z' are GREAT in the gusto department). and nope, you didn't miss Tuesday, cause it is right here sitting on my shoulders. blah. i mean: BLAH!
from euphoria21 :
Hey beautiful, I have a question for you...do you have the names and titles of the groups/singers/songs in the black c.d. you made for me? Not The Decemberists but the mixed c.d. Because I'm going nuts trying to figure out who sings some of the songs and I have no way of knowing. Do you know how awful that feeling is. Have I told you that I love those c.d.s of mine, because I DO!!!!!!!!! xoxoxo,(Red)
from iwantoomuch :
(not just *hugs*, like written in little letters and meaning some kind of wonderful energy that I send you in these pixels, but actual, real, big *REAL HUGS* with my arms around you in a squish). I wish I lived there too, man. :-)
from euphoria21 :
I hope you liked KB2, I saw it on Sunday. Sounds like you're brother is a lot like me. Take care sweetums!!
from euphoria21 :
hey, you're sounding a bit chipper!! I like that, it's weird but a good weird...
from euphoria21 :
I miss you Jen, a lot. Where have you been??
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for your note. It is always good to know that at least one person cares. Sometimes, it is just so easy to lose perspective and the entire creative process suffers when you do. It is hard not to become reliant on that warm pat on the back of having a list of people who like you, even when you don't. I really should not take it personally when a complete stranger decides for some reason that they do not like me anymore. Secretly I have always felt a need for approval, as much as I tend to hate other people. I am no better than anyone else when it comes to falling once in a while to that need to be liked. It does not help that I have other places that I write, sometimes much better work, that is only meant to be seen by me. Then I try to out do myself, when I feel that this journal has suffered because of my need for privacy. Its a vicious circle sometimes. Anyway, thank you for caring. I could not stop writing this stupid thing, not yet anyway. I miss your writing, I was really enjoying those fictional pieces of yours. Aren't us writers such a temperamental group.
from concerted :
Thank you. :). It's actually more closely related to the music I listen to. As it changes, my design changes. Pathetic, I guess, but I feel inspired suddenly and I just change the design. I'm not overly happy with the current one, but I do *love* the photo.
from wonderchai :
the secret word is royal. and the name is tenenbaum. this message will self destruct in ten seconds.
from concerted :
yes ma'am, open those arms to whatever may be coming your way next...
from starzero :
nothing ever was, anyway.
from euphoria21 :
I've missed you love, ooh by the way I'm going to be sending you a survey that I'm doing for school. I need to get 100 people to sign it so if you could send it to some of your friends I would appreciate it. Take care. P.S. Listening to The Decemberists tonight.
from mestupchick :
your words leave me breathless. -alana-
from wonderchai :
love! and oh my GOD!
from euphoria21 :
Wow, that's mighty heavy news to take. So what are you going to do? Were you expecting him to ask you that?
from iwantoomuch :
I dearly love you.
from starzero :
if you hadn't turned me onto them, i wouldn't be going. actually, if i hadn't taken this promo internship i wouldn't have known they were coming, and i wouldn't be going either. so you're not solely to blame.
from euphoria21 :
Thanks Jen, for the support and all, ven though this interview never even let me get my foot in the doorway, but I guess there's something better waiting for me-out there-in some other dimension...
from pystdragon :
hooray for webcams. they are good. jenn talks about you nonstop, so you must be good. hi, by the way.
from burningsweet :
i spend nights when i'm bored and lonely wandering the proverbial halls of diaryland with a flashlight and an aged and inaccurate map. anyway, that's just how i got here. the things i actually wanted to tell you number in two. one.) i enjoyed what i saw of your diary. AND, two.) i l-o-v-e, LOVE the reduced shakespeare company. muah!
from concerted :
your note is just another way of saying it all reverts back to perspective, which is all I'm saying. What you see as ordinary, the whole rest of the world might just fall in love with...of course, in the end, all that matters is how you see it.
from opusshrugged :
that was a beautifully written entry, just wanted to say that i always have a better time while wearing & receive more compliments on my costume jewelry than i do when i've got on my boring & washed-up diamond solitaires.
from deifortuna :
You've hardly seemed ordinary during the time that I've been reading your words. You say your not feeling sorry, and I'll buy that so long as you don't feel like your settling. There is a difference between settling and realizing that you'd just rather have something else in life than your old dreams. Don't take me too seriously of course, it is more that I need to say this than it is that you need to hear it.
from euphoria21 :
concerted couldn't have said it any better. I agree with them and as much as I would love to write that your last entry (5am)was a bit unnerving to me I can't tell you to get out of whatever hole you have yourself in because I agree with what you wrote there. I find myself wanting to join you in whatever cave you're in and hoping to delight myself in your presence. Confusingly enough I agree with that and it sucks that you actually write what others think to themselves. By the way, love ya. Oh, and I got your e-mail honey!!! Thanks.
from concerted :
once, when I was little, we didn't have electricity. My best friend came to spend the night and to entertain us, my mother lit candles and let us dig through her old jewelry box and wear all of her earrings, bracelets, rings, etc. It was all costume. It was all cheap. That's my favorite memory of childhood.
from starzero :
do not drink alcohol while taking this medicine.
from concerted :
"You will think, perhaps, that I am too confidential and communicative of my own private history. It may be so. But my way of writing is rather to think aloud, and follow my own humours, than much to consider who is listening to me; and, if I stop to consider what is proper to be said to this or that person, I shall soon come to doubt whether any part at all is proper." ~Thomas De Quincey Yes, that's on my profile, but I thought it might click with you. I hope it does. I can tell you things and they won't matter, because you've only yourself to prove them to, only your own fears and loves to contend with. But I'll tell you anyway. You are by far the best writer I've read on diaryland and one of the most beautiful writers I've read, period. Quintessential Greatness, that is my comment for you/your diary, not because I needed something to put there, but because it's true. Your diary is the absolute perfect example of what a diary is...the searching, the beautiful eloquence, the feeling, the passion. Maybe you don't have the answers, even for yourself, but you're a lighted path in the search. Whatever you put here, absolutely whatever you put here, may seem small to you, may seem repetitive, may seem all kinds of things, because you live with them every day, but to me, and to people who read your words it's a bright flashing reminder that we don't search alone. You may (and you have, to be honest) said things I've thought myself countless times, but far from seeming trite, it seems miraculous to be in such amazing company.
from opusshrugged :
i know you were talking to yourself there ... but it was great advice, you write beautifully & it's nice to find some intelligence floating around.
from o-twinkle-o :
who says you have to write stuff in your diary that other people want to read? .. it's your diary and your journey, it's your realization, it's your space .. . express what you want to express. just. tell it like it is. we can take it.
from emoboysrule :
Alone doesn't have to mean lonely...
from euphoria21 :
Good enough answer for me, atleast I know you read it!! Hope your busy schedule leaves you overwhelmed(probably mispelled) but in a good way!!!
from euphoria21 :
Miss you honey, have you read your lil' letter yet?!?
from euphoria21 :
Ok, about your AIM name I'm here, I'm asking, what is it??? What has changed in your life lately? You're obviously happy...about what I don't know. But whatever it is I'm happy for you.
from euphoria21 :
I just sent you a big ol' letter. Hope you like it...
from euphoria21 :
Hope you read my last entry. I actually wrote it for my English class and I figured I'd add it here. Enjoy!
from euphoria21 :
Honey, I just read your note...I think sometimes in life you can sense when someone's down in the dumps or maybe we'd all like to believe it at times. I think I can sometimes feel your angst but then I look in the mirror and realize that I'm being silly and you probably would agree that my silliness has me on edge and that I need to take more naps and more long drives to the beach, and then even longer walks to the pier...Would cha join me?
from euphoria21 :
I noticed you changed your profile once again. I love the fact that you have Neverwhere as a favorite and the Sandman Series also. You're the greatest. I was in English class today and while I was writing an essay I thought of you and of how much fun my class would be if you were in it with me. I think you and I would have a lot to talk about. I sign on all the time hoping to read a new entry, and I'm glad that you usually always do write even if it it about things I could never even guess, and I wish I could be the one going to the movies with you. I think people would boo at us and we'd have to leave the theatre laughing our asses off!!!
from euphoria21 :
I miss you sweetie. I'm actually listening to the Modest Mouse c.d. You're the greatest!!
from emoboysrule :
...empathy. <3<33
from euphoria21 :
You're absolutely right but it sucks when you want to see a situation from the outside in and see the big picture and you can't yet, cause it's to early in the game. I know I'll find a decent job one that I might actually like but now I'm in the "worried" transition part of it.
from deifortuna :
I read your latest entry and felt that I should leave you a note, yet I really don't know what to write. I want to leave because this place that I'm in is preventing me from becoming who I ought to be. At the same time, though, I also love those who I'm with now and the person that I am for them. In some ways, I fear losing him, or maybe it is just his fear; however, I know that I won't regret it when he's gone. Anyway, not much to do with your entry, but those are my thoughts on leaving. Mainly I just wanted to stop by and say a few words.
from a-nymph :
your recent entry was written beautifully
from nessaxoxo :
Cute diary! Just wanted to ask you what font your links and such are??? because ive been looking for the name of that font for like... years I'd really appreciate if you could note back and answer my question! Much love *Nessa
from concerted :
for writing, for being around, for sticking with me, I guess :)
from concerted :
just wanted to say thank you.
from thedirt :
hi, I know exactly what your talking about when you say you edit what you say..and then replay it in your head only to relise that you could of said something better than what came naturally..it happens to me all the time. keep up the good work dude
from euphoria21 :
...and I'm doing good today, and on Thursday morning I will be in New York for the first time, and I'll close my eyes and imagine that I'm the one playing Trivial Pursuit with you...
from deifortuna :
It is unfortunate that we don't feel the need to write as much when we are happy. For most people, looking back at their journals would lead them to think that their lives had been nothing but misery. Because of this, I try to at least record the day to day when I'm happy even if it doesn't seem terribly interesting.
from ivy9898 :
yet those feelings from the gut are always the hardest to shake off, don't you think? But yes, I'm starting to realize much the same thing. Hope all is well.
from euphoria21 :
WEll, did you enjoy yourself? By the way, I'm going to write you back on that last letter you e-mailed me with, but I don't want to make it short. So I want to take my time!!! Until then beautiful...muah xoxoxo
from euphoria21 :
For you, anytime my sweet.
from iwantoomuch :
I love you, my dear and thank you! xoxoxo
from euphoria21 :
I hope you get the serenity, and the tranquility you've been so craving for. Happy Birthday beautiful!!!! Kisses
from tearstream :
I hope you have a great Birthday!
from emoboysrule :
happy birthday! <3
from concerted :
and I completely see your point and would agree with it, if I didn't believe in god, but my life makes that impossible...so I'm stuck having to include him, at least in someway, in my ideas/theories, etc.
from concerted :
you never sound anything but amazing. the thing is, if we keep this strictly in the realm of religion, I'd have to say that any god worth his salt would and could create us in a state of stripped-ness...would and could create us as we are and should be without all the extra we carry around. Of course, the next argument, logically, is that if you don't have to go through something, you can't really learn it...Pain teaches us pleasure, sadness teaches us joy, sure I'll buy that....but again, keeping strictly to the idea of how it all relates to god, any god worth believing in (in my opinion) could have set the whole system up differently...Do I know the good that pain can bring? You betcha. Do I think the good it brings is worth the bad? Not a chance in hell.
from euphoria21 :
Don't know who you wrote that for, or even if you were really writing to someone or just to yourself, but it was refreshing....
from concerted :
Thank you, very much. :)
from euphoria21 :
Just a short note to say Hi and I hope you're doing good hon...still enjoying the c.d.'s
from deifortuna :
Perfect good, or perfect as in appropriate?
from exhaust :
I know! But, I'm not going to even find out. Morning After pill tonight.
from euphoria21 :
*sigh of relief*...just in case you're wondering why? I just sent you another long letter to your e-mail. Enjoy hon.
from deifortuna :
Just thought I'd say I've been enjoying the change of pace around here recently. Ofcourse, I enjoy your diary regardless, but it is fun to see you happy, or energetic.
from euphoria21 :
This note won't be half as long as the one in your e-mail honey. I received your package today...
from the29th :
dear me, if you don't drink any caffeine at all for a really really long time and then drink.. oh.. i don't know... a bathtub full of an espresso based drink... you should EXPECT to be awake until shortly before time to come to work and your blood to rush in your ears like a hurricane tide. sincerely, me
from ohsoxpretty :
thanks so much for the cd. i got it today and i LOVE it. xoxo
from euphoria21 :
Awwww, baby you changed the thingy in your profile and I seem to remember a day when you and I were discussing being those two old ladies that sit on the front lawn and yell at the rowdy neighborhood kids while my stocking slowly runs down my ankle. I still remember and I'm uber happy about the fact that you put your picture up. Now whenever I want to see it I can. And don't worry about missing the official "Happy Birthday" I had a week-ends worth of fun, no puking, no passing out, a little disappointments here and there but not much of a glitch. And, I got my Birthday Kiss. Unfortunately the girl I like already has a girlfriend. But that didn't stop her from kissing me!!!! Tee hee hee
from ivy9898 :
ah well well. it's unlocked anyhow. i'm a sucker like that
from ivy9898 :
the29th@hotmail.com, right?
from ivy9898 :
get your email for the "secret password" :)
from ivy9898 :
lemme know if you want in
from o-twinkle-o :
.. i think everybody deserves love. i think that a partner to love you for you and not your shell is *not* a fairytale. not only do i believe in it, but i have seen examples of true adoration having everything to do with brain and soul and heart and nothing to do with the shell. you *never* deserve to be belittled, EVER. ever. you wait for complete acceptance. you're beautiful. absolutely beautiful.
from iwantoomuch :
I love you big and I can't see you. And if I could, I'd love you still and more, because I love you now already.
from madam-rose :
fat girls deserve love!
from emperorincxt :
hmm i think it does pretty much negate everything else about you.. until someone gets to know you. I tell myself fairytales all the time. But I dont believe them. I highly doubt that someone is going to look at me and have a hit of love-at-first-sight. Its just not something thats going to happen. So Ive got it worked out by being weird/funny to get them at least interested in being friends. wahh i have ten minutes to get to work! eek..
from euphoria21 :
Babe whoever was talking trash about you I say you tell them to "Fuck Off"
from exhaust :
Deal. I'll probably be home around midnight your time. Fuck. I don't want to go to work.
from exhaust :
Hey, I just got your message. But, I have this weird hang up about calling people after 9 their time... call me crazy. PS - You have a right to feel however you want. That's yours, you know. Love you, Me
from sixfortunes :
unlocked
from euphoria21 :
"72. i am horrible about mailing things." Is that true. Will i never receive anything from you in the mail. This disturbs me so...
from madam-rose :
dont we all feel that way at times. *hugs*
from euphoria21 :
Anytime my sweet...and I meant it.
from starzero :
you scare me
from euphoria21 :
I clicked, I saw, I liked...
from a-nymph :
what a delightfully wistful picture.
from starzero :
i understand--i did that for xmas last year. i'm going to do it for b-days i remember. i'll send the email again tonight. that's better than trying to devise a puzzle to which only you have the key.
from euphoria21 :
Afraid of heights huh? Good point. I am too and I wouldn't want to make someone to somethign that'll freak them out, because if it was done to me I'd learn to jump off the pedestal just to hit them. So...how about a cage, on the floor, I'll feed you, take care of you and all you have to do is act like you're happy to see me when I get home from work. Deal? Let me know...
from euphoria21 :
Good morning honey!!!
from euphoria21 :
I should copy that note I just sent you, it was nice. I wish someone could tell me that one day...
from euphoria21 :
"Through our human endowments of self-awareness and conscience, we become conscience of areas of weaknes, areas for improvement, areas of TALENT that could be developed, ares that need to be changed or eliminated from our lives. Then as we recognize and use our imagination and independent will to act on that awareness making promises, setting goals, and being true to them-we build the strength of character, the being, that makes possible every other positive thing in our lives." And with that I say...so who cares if we're not a size 4, so what if we constantly find ourselves talking to ourselves and enjoying that conversation better than with someone else, and you can have your self-loathing, and your weekly pity trips, but NEVER-NEVER tell someone that has given you a compliment that you're not worthy of it for lack or remembering your exact thoughts. Didn't your parents ever teach you.."If you can't say anything nice..." you know the rest. So let me indulge in my fantasy and believe you're faster than Superman, a better writer than Hemingway or Ginsberg or Kerouac...but atleast I am willing to believe it until there's no other place left for you but on a pedestal...xoxoxo, Vy
from euphoria21 :
P.S. The show last night was awsome, I loved the fact that they didn't use typical crappy music. They stripped all night to songs like "Hey Big Spender" I think from the Crybaby soundtrack, and the cutest chick with short hair and a huge star tattoo on her back danced with 2 other girls to Jessica Rabbit's "Like Some Other Men Do" or whatever name that sexy song is called. I screamed so loud my throat is all hoarse now.
from euphoria21 :
Have I told you lately that whenever I get a note from you I just curl up in my chair and take it all in slowly. I don't care if you're ranting, or just bored but I look forward to getting anything from you. I'm still amazed at how someone as and I don't mean to sound cliche...as unique, interesting, intelligent, and beautiful(don't need to see you to know it, darlin')as you can still muster up the strength every day to argue with herself in the mirror. You're your own worst enemy, and the torture is somewhat enticing to you, only thing is you won't admit it and that sucks. I love your notes, long or short, happy or sad. Just knowing that they're from you is fine enough for me. I guess I wrote a bit too much now..
from inaptbeauty :
(goldylockz2, DITTO!) girl, you're so great.
from drunkencynic :
Wow. Somehow you manage to articulate things I've always wanted to articulate better than I've ever been able to. I love your layout, I love your writing. You remind me of an eloquent me. Please read- seize/thecarp.
from goldylockz22 :
....I'm so glad I clicked on your banner...
from exhaust :
We know, love... it's alright. I do the same thing.
from euphoria21 :
I'll let you know how the show goes on Friday, I miss you!!
from o-twinkle-o :
not bothered to read what you write. .. at risk of sounding arrogantly sympathetic .. i have been in the space you're in.
from godmoney :
again, this stuff is... gorgeous beyond.
from godmoney :
you are SUCH a fantastic writer--i could read you all day. i could read one entry over and over. u give a voice 2 so many of my inner demons. i love ur diary so much. i love the clean hair bit. u r tragic + lovely. *Coldheart Canyon is good stuff.
from invisibledon :
i liked your banner and clicked in and really like your page
from deifortuna :
Thanks, I'll do my best not to worry.
from madam-rose :
great diary! might i add you to my bl?
from emoboysrule :
i love modest mouse so much. <3<3<3
from candoor :
startled, I find you here... smiling, I wish you more...
from euphoria21 :
i miss you and your little anecdotes for me. I feel like I've told you this before, but it's so very true. Miss you xoxo
from emperorincxt :
face in the crowd... i like your banner..
from amyiswaiting :
Your Sunday post reminded meof one of my favorite books as a kid, The Pahntom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. It's about a kid named Milo who can never make up his mind and goes on an adventure to save Rhyme and Reason. It is still one of my favorite books, you should definitely check it out. Amy
from amyiswaiting :
Your Sunday post reminded meof one of my favorite books as a kid, The Pahntom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. It's about a kid named Milo who can never make up his mind and goes on an adventure to save Rhyme and Reason. It is still one of my favorite books, you should definitely check it out. Amy
from euphoria21 :
Will do precious...will do!!
from euphoria21 :
I'm going to see ModestMouse in two weeks at the Polish American Club...you changed the quotes under all the names again. Mine couldn't have been more perfect, thank you love.
from lostboynada :
...And fucking how!
from wonderchai :
send me aim info? or msn? email- wonderchai@diaryland.com. tried yours, oh :(
from swollenthumb :
exactly. well. put.
from euphoria21 :
The layout is wonderful...I've missed you.
from eveningsun :
new layout.. awesome
from ciulionn :
I like the new layout.
from ivy9898 :
change can be good. like the layout ;)
from deifortuna :
Right you are... hmm, I wonder what gave me away. Thanks for playing. In case you were wondering, that was taken last year at Christmas.
from deifortuna :
Heh, here, if you feel like a challenge: http://www.angelfire.com/games3/halberd/images/family.html ... which one do you think is me?
from deifortuna :
A new layout seems like it would be a nice change of pace, though I'm sure it will take some getting used to. Posting a picture of yourself... seems pretty gutsy, I don't know if I'd like the thought of people knowing what I look like (or maybe I'd like it too much...), but think that sounds like a fun idea, I have to say I'm always a little curious to match a face to the words.
from irish-jack :
ps...i totally tried your fabric softener trick. you get an AplusGoldStar. Thank you.
from irish-jack :
i'll say more when i can figure out how the heck to say it. yo! baZaM :)
from deifortuna :
Thanks for your note the other day. I'm doing much better now, well mostly. Any resolutions for the new year? I forgot myself...
from dazzlinglife :
fine then, a question: what's the root of your sadness. surely there's some joy. tata, -emma
from candoor :
I thought of looking for your number and using it, but then I stopped to ponder if and when a don't wears off and got lost in random thoughts... merry, happy, and all that jazz...
from mrs-roboto :
No, sorry. Although the gal with the earmuffs had black hair, she did not wear glasses. She had a very cute hour glass figure too whereas your friend looks more long and lean.
from euphoria21 :
Yo comprendo!! I understand..
from candora :
hope you have some happiness in your life :)
from irish-jack :
thanks! good tip. us boys are kinda dumb when it comes to making things smell good.
from lostboynada :
I've had some time these days to catch up with dland. And you still put the awe factor very high in my being. sorry I had to lock my shit up. If you want email me boredtodeathmusic@hotmail.com & I'll give you the password if you wish. Well the wold spins even when i'm not drinking... Joe
from euphoria21 :
What am I chopped liver, I always considered myself more of a fine pâté. You always have me my love.
from candoor :
merry happy.
from euphoria21 :
Merry Christmas baby, I hope this year finds you healthy and hopefully happy, always remember I'm thinking about you!!!
from irish-jack :
i wanna drooly dog. i think i will make that my next goal in life. thanks for showing it to me!
from euphoria21 :
Huge hugs for you honey, xoxoxo
from nenna :
it wasn't boring :) life is never boring
from deifortuna :
Fortunately, you don't get to decide what we think you deserve. I enjoyed the list, I hope your holidays go well. -Dei Fortuna
from euphoria21 :
I'm doing better, and I miss you. I find myself getting on this thing just to see if you've written. And I smile when you do.
from trystero :
i could have said the same thing for you many times over.
from euphoria21 :
I'm doing my best to cheer myself up, but like you said...there's nothing wrong with being depressed. It's just another emotion gone haywire.
from euphoria21 :
Where do I send you my address love?
from euphoria21 :
A note of fresh breath would make me feel better, just knowing you passed by and all...
from nenna :
Nice diary!
from euphoria21 :
I can't help it sweetie, but it's staring me in the face and it won't let me blink and my eyes are burning already...xoxo, but thanks
from euphoria21 :
Ahh, and I will gladly say "yes", or get down on one knee(depending on what spectrum of the sexes we wish to be that day)!!
from deifortuna :
I tried to write several notes before this, but nothing seemed right. I find it strange that more people don't take their own advice. It almost seems that what we want for other people is different than what we would ask for ourselves. I feel that either makes us greedy or sefless depending on the way you look at it. Thinking of what I had erased, I've really not said anything at all here. I guess I don't trust myself to say anything though.
from deifortuna :
I don't care what you write, as long as it is your expression. I would assume not many people expect a masterpiece every time you sit down to type. And, of course, you already know that, but I say it anyway. I'm curious, what does the Tarot tell you?
from euphoria21 :
Refreshing to read after all of that damn turkey. I don't see anything wrong with a little arsenic mixed in with the baby greens or squandering under the sweet potato. You are the bitter that I quickly look for in my sweet, to even me out...xoxo, bloody kisses
from wonderchai :
I think I'd like to get to know this better. You came highly, highly recommended.
from wonderchai :
I really, really like this.
from euphoria21 :
Did you know that when I'm depressed and sad and lonely I sign on just to see the quote below that I got from one of your entries. It usually helps me to smile and sometimes it lets the tears I need out of me to run freely down my face. I'm glad you wrote this one day... "Let's be the original and magnificent unoriginal and ordinary people that we are together, okay?"
from exhaust :
Love. Ly. Er.
from euphoria21 :
It's funny how whenever you write I leave you a little note telling you how much I've missed hearing from you. When I read your latest entry I was squirming in my seat just thinking about what I would write to my friend who hadn't written in a while, but I figured if I don't write then maybe she might just right back first. Ha ha, it worked. Missed you honey. Take care, Vy
from deifortuna :
Seems like it has been a while. What is new with you?
from maredeath :
that was really beautiful and true. painful of course, but it makes sense.
from i-am-jack :
Yes, that thought did cross my mind. I would really be losing it, if this happened and I did not even have a job yet. What is worrying me is, losing this job. Wednesday, I drove the car to work to pick up my check, just because I was not about to have to explain car problems to my boss. I wanted them to think everything was just great. When you have only had a job 2 weeks, everything HAS to be great, peachy, and chipper at all times. Whether it really is or not. You have to make them think it is. So I picked up my check and pretended all was well. They have no idea my car is fucked and I can not call off. Not this early on. Because I work such an odd shift, its hard to find someone to drive me to work. I asked my roomate, and she couldn't. She said she would see if she could get her mom to lend her ranger truck, but she never got back to me, and I have to work tonight! I am going to have to make something happen here. Its just aggravating to no end. Things can never seem to just go smoothly, even for a little while. Its good that I have this job, definately, but it barely covers my bills, as they are. Depending on how expensive this gets, it could be a real set back. And I could find myself showing up empty handed, again at christmas, just like last year. I am looking out for another part time job, so I can pick up some more hours during the week, but I have not found one yet. It took me forever to find what I have now.
from iwantoomuch :
Returning all of the hugs you gave me, with hugs of my own for you and not the hugs that you gave me - I'm keeping those. *all the hugs* Be well too.
from euphoria21 :
I miss you when you write, a girl can only go back to your old entries before she can start quoting them back to you...miss you. And if you're in no mood to write then please have the energy to atleast give a girl some constructive criticism, an opinion, a fact, a fib, a little lie, something. I'm climbing up the walls here, and it's doing a job on my nails!!!!!
from darkstarliar :
thanks dear. i needed that more than you'll know. your timing is simply superb.
from crazywicked :
its been a while since ive talked to you, but the funny thing is, i found us to be so very different, and its been a while since ive even had the foggiest of your well being. i hope this note finds you well, at least better than i was when i wrote it. yours truly, kel
from silver-blue :
Thanks for the compliments on the design. As for the book I'd say give it a read. As for the movie, well it's up to you.. I'll see how I feel after watching it again before I go giving my opinion
from euphoria21 :
Darling the pictures of the hotel where you will be staying at are gorgeous, I was checking out theri site and the red and yellow room are hot!!~Hope you have fun.
from deifortuna :
I look at the numbers too, though I tell myself they don't mean anything. And they don't, but part of me believes that they do. Hmm, I don't like that part very much...
from euphoria21 :
If it makes you feel better first the car is used not new, and I'm 23 and I've never owned a car, which the saddest part is coming now, my dad practically sells cars for a living and he's never offered to help me. So there...xoxoxo, love ya Vy
from deifortuna :
Its sad when the people you care for don't care back. There are some people I'm just not willing to give up on though, no matter how they treat me.
from deifortuna :
Don't worry, I believe that I understand what you are saying. Unrelated though, the cats fighting at my window sound like the moans of some miserable spirit. I've never seen Faylay like this before, such a noble cat to grace us with his presence, and now he fights for territory. It almost seems beneath him, that one would even think to challenge his authority. I hope that he is victorious.
from candora :
maybe I shouldn't have listened when you said don't call...
from deifortuna :
I think you hit the nail on the head with that last one. Wording what I, and surely others, have felt but not been able to put into words. That doesn't mean I like it though. I was curious, are you the one who isn't seeking further connection? I don't believe it has to be this way. Finding that motivation, be it in a person or a cause, to lift yourself out of that mire of apathy, I think that is the key. I've not quite found it myself, but there are some things that help me through. Sometimes I just get so tired though... I don't want help, don't want to try. Just leave me to my fantasy, my misery.
from euphoria21 :
Your sadness brings my contentment to the surface. Now does that make you happy to know?
from candoor :
Life is strange when you suddenly wake up and realize you did not know you were sleeping.
from deifortuna :
Don't get your hopes up. It is a fairly good game, but it has its flaws and is only appealing to a fairly small group of people. Also the demo download is something like 5megs cause they make you get some other software(I guess, the original file was only about a meg). Not trying to play it down or anything, just being honest.
from fuckingdrunk :
The size of your body of work can never qualify or disqualify you as a writer. But the quality of your work, and your approach to its distribution, is another story entirely. I think you're a writer, but I wonder if your anxiety will be an obstacle to you.
from deifortuna :
Good enough... If I'm still in touch with you, I'll ask you again when it becomes practical.
from euphoria21 :
Darling, the answer you gave to deifortuna was a very good one. But I'm not surprised...take care precious...
from deifortuna :
I've probably asked something similar to this, but are you terribly attached to anything in your life? This is kind of an odd notion, but if I'm ever ridiculously wealthy, could I serve as your patron? I mean, buy you a studio somewhere, and give you money to create and do what is fulfillinh to you. It seems a strange thing to do, but it is the sort of thing I would do, and it really isn't all that weird. It would be an interesting experience for me. I guess that just might sound sort of frivolous, but I'm saying this in all seriousness, and I think that it would be worthwhile to me, if only to see what the result is. -Blaise Crimson
from euphoria21 :
My ex/roommate/straight girl came back home today from having her appendix taken out and I haven't missed her in these past four days. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I don't mind the wobbly table and the place setting for one. I frankly wouldn't mind it.
from lifezacircle :
I don't get it. Whats up with 'That day,' the 29th? Is it a bad luck day for you or something?
from euphoria21 :
You're so silly. Well when I say "I love you" I mean it. Not that many people get to hear that from me too often...
from euphoria21 :
"Encouraging You To Hate Me", you know I've been meaning to tell you that title you have on top of your profile is not like you. Maybe on a bad day but with all the inspirations you've giving me and I know a truckload of other people, it should read something like...encouraging you to want more of me.... Just a thought gorgeous. Muah xoxoxoxo
from might :
guestbook doesn't like me. if you move house, will you send me a forwarding address? a postcard? a seashell?
from dazzlinglife :
you have no idea how inspired each and every one of your entries are. you are the people on a higher evolutionary scale. rather than being definite, with such liguistic atrocities as "i owe so much money, i don't know what to do," you let your life flow in beautiful ambiguity. it makes life see, well, all the more...dazzling. keep it up. ta-ta -emma
from lowest :
With every moment of happiness, trust there is an equal moment of pure torment.
from nething315 :
you're fantastic. please don't let go.
from fuckingdrunk :
So, you're an actual writer. Really that's a rare thing. How large is your body of work?
from candora :
Being one of those floating around the outskirts of nowhere, I do not want to understand how much I imagine I do (understand). But then, maybe I do not know enough to know what I am talking about. Still, I wish you safe passage.
from euphoria21 :
"Every day I realize more and more how I have none of the answers at all." Baby, you don't always need all the answers. And besides, if you had them I have a very bad feeling you cease to write anymore, and quite frankly I don't think I can bear that.
from raven72d :
Get in the car and drive. Always at dusk. And think that somewhere, somehow, there's not even a town, but a crossroads with a handful of buildings where you can go and sit and listen to the night and feel like there was a destination in your mind, once upon a time.
from raven72d :
Your voice is so darkly intriguing... As a narrator you may be invisible behind the curtain, but not vanished. I will be exploring your archives...
from euphoria21 :
I've missed your writing baby!!!
from candora :
still
from candora :
I love storms, but not the damage they can do... hope you enjoy the awesome powers of nature and the storm does no damage for you.
from lowest :
"Some four"... FUCK that you can't edit notes. *mwuah*
from lowest :
Remember that little act in Sesame Street, where cartoon kids bring another cartoon kid flowers to cheer him up, then the kid says he's allergic to flowers? That last entry kinda made me feel like that. "I brought you some 4 tulips to cheer you up."
from zeroreverb7 :
If you need anything at all please ask. love you dearly Hugs peace
from emoboysrule :
thank you for your beautiful thoughts
from candora :
maybe if I didn't connect all my sites I would have different audiences and more attention and in that, find something more I am seeking... maybe if I appeared as a dozen different personalities instead of a dozen facets of one, it would be more interesting... or at least more mysterious and that must mean something... there is so much I do not know... and so much I still want to know... you too.
from deifortuna :
I have to make certain changes to the game for the contest. We will be declared winners publicly on October 2nd, and I'm not sure if that is also the day the game goes online... it should be soon though, because the deadline for the final version is Sep. 19th. Anyway, I'll post a link when it is up. Thanks for your support.
from euphoria21 :
I just wanted to say Good Morning!!!! Have a great day!
from euphoria21 :
If you could live in one era which would it be? And why?
from euphoria21 :
In love there's that saying of the one that got away...have you ever had the one that got away? Or have you been lucky not to experience that?
from euphoria21 :
My friend just told me he bought it from ebay before he met me(3 maybe 4 years ago). He likes it, I can't believe it never came up, oh and another thing. You're special to me so I wouldn't just want to ask you anything. I feel that I could never ask the right question. But it's going to take me time to think of them. So, soon you will get them. P.S. My mom and I talked tonight for 3 hours and your 5 questions came up in our conversation. Hope that makes you smile.
from euphoria21 :
You gotta be kidding me. I loved that book more than anything. I haven't seen it...Oh, God, was I under a rock???
from euphoria21 :
I just gave frostedlemon 5 questions, what do you think?
from euphoria21 :
Okay, I did it. I answered your 5 questions, changed the word "guestbook", for "notes page", and I did your survey. God, I feel accomplished today!!!
from lowest :
The whole fucking world is pissed at me today, so as odd as your dream was, it does not surprise me. Funny how people assume that since you've been giving everyone your life for years that they own it... when you take it back, they get hurt. DL has pissed me off to the Nth degree today. [My phone will be disconnected midnight tonight. But there are other phone lines.]
from euphoria21 :
Good questions, as soon as I finish working I will answer them. So how does it go again. Paste up my answers then I do what???
from candora :
Yes, definitely, you disappear well. Can I get away with that if I include a friendly grin?
from candora :
Shells are thick, easier to crack from the inside, unless they are invisible and then, they can be as hard as steel.
from euphoria21 :
You are brilliant. Did you know that? I wake up everyday wondering what you've written last...
from mrs-roboto :
Okay, here they are! 1) If you were to be arrested for a crime today, what would it be and why? 2) Most people can name a pivital moment in their life, a second that changed every thing from that point forward. Please pick your most profound pivital moment and describe. 3) Circus' under the Big Top or Carnival sideshows? 4) In your opinion, has the age of the internet brought us as a society closer together or distanced us from one another? 5) It's vacation time and money is no option. Two weeks whereever you choose to go! Tell us about your trip. Location? Who's there? What do you do while you're away?
from starzero :
why are you glad? what did you find?
from euphoria21 :
See, Angels do exist and sometimes they themselves don't even know they are.
from deifortuna :
It's always nice to be reminded that I'm not the only person in the world who listens to soundtracks from games. ...I'm sleepy...
from euphoria21 :
Gonna taek the survey as soon as I get home from work. I know I work on Holidays. How crappy!!!
from funda :
You have more.
from might :
the igby movie is a pretty great little black comedy with a nice, holden-caulfield-esque main character. will report back on auster once i've begun and finished it.
from euphoria21 :
Would it be wrong to say that I'm so scared of that answer of yours. I would have to scratch all of my skin off so I wouldn't feel the emptiness anymore. Then there would be no pain, only the waiting for the numbness to end.
from euphoria21 :
What's your biggest fear now, sweetheart? I had two gruesome nightmares last night but neither of them were of my biggest fear. Thank God. Usually when I have nightmares of it I wake up sweaty, and crying...
from stephielove :
Just two notes. One, I still really, really enjoy your writing, and two, I locked my diary. If you care, you can drop me a note w/ your email and I'll send you the password.
from lowest :
That's a giant pile of suck.
from euphoria21 :
"It's just hard to see the point in continuing when everything has already been said, and said more beautifully than I can manage." I know the feeling..oh, by the way did you see Reno911, yesterday?
from euphoria21 :
Thanks hun!
from candora :
still.
from deifortuna :
Good evening. Yet again I've not made enough time to update regularly and see how all is going here at Diaryland. What's new? I'm long overdue for a good entry and update on my life, yet sadly I won't have time for it tonight, perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps it is just the music I'm listening to, but I wonder if I'm destined never to be the "right" one. Bah, still too early for predictiongs like that eh?
from i-am-jack :
You know, for the first time just today, I finally understand what you go through when you get those urges to just "tear it all down." But then think about how you would miss this whole experience. It really can make a person feel like shitt when someone drops you off their list every day. Its like I am being slowly boo'd off the stage. ;^{'
from exhaust :
This time, I'm really gone. You know how to get a hold of me.
from exhaust :
Dude, your message cut out. All I got was, "My computer is b...."
from i-am-jack :
{{{{{{29th}}}}} Fiddly-parentheses-hug for you! Glad to see you back! ;^}'
from crazywicked :
i feel exactly what you say.
from euphoria21 :
Oh my Gah...(spoken like Jack from Will & Grace)I totally love them, especially Micheal Ian Black, hav eyou seen him on the I lvoe the 70s, 80s shows on VH1? He's great...Haven't gone to the site yet, but I will as soon as I get a chance. Thanks
from euphoria21 :
I really like waking up early, I've had so much time to read, and reread your entries. I too am a huge fan of The State I even have their theme song from Ween "Voodoo Lady", but is that Reno911 show really as good?
from euphoria21 :
1st I meant to write someone, 2nd I meant to write wrote I can't spell lately, ARGH!!!
from euphoria21 :
I told you I love your writing, now go look at my profile. I changed what I worte about you. If you don't mind that is.
from euphoria21 :
I love your writing. You know that ever since Dailycake doesn't write as much you're the one who's entries I'm always dashing off to read. I want to feel the same thing you do...have something tell me that we're running out of milk for our cereal, or that I look so silly in my fuzzy slippers, or that I snore too much at times...I think we all want that!!
from exhaust :
I'm blaming Jack this time. It's his fault.
from exhaust :
I'm sitting here thinking I've got tons of time to call you, then I remembered the BLOODY TIME DIFFERENCE! Bah! I'm totally calling you tomorrow.
from exhaust :
I think I can speak for both of us when I say, "I can't think of a better third." I hope your phone is operable, I've been feeling the need to talk to you.
from ivy9898 :
computers may die, but words cannot...hope to see you soon.
from candora :
and after a busy week just about everybody has updated here but me... ring?
from shrinkodebt :
oh, please don't leave... I love to read your writing. You have a true way with words and I look forward to seeing each entry.
from exhaust :
You know that even *I* thought that was about me... but, the people we write about never know it's them, do they? *mwuah*
from deifortuna :
Just been catching up... the voice and description in that piece about the pond were wonderful. How's life?
from exhaust :
AH! I got your package today! Dear God, I love you... you just made my week. *mwuah* (PS - The necklace fits perfectly!)
from klcroft :
I spent most of last night reading your diary. I really get a lot out of your words. There is something so passionate about them.
from funda :
yay!... that's all I have time for, out the door to work now.
from funda :
ring ring, are you writing anything else these days? (as much as I love your 29th and miss it when you take breaks, I know there's more to you, just and meaningful and powerful, and hope to inspire you to enjoy this weekend).
from darkstarliar :
i can't even begin to express my gratitude, you help me keep going on when i want so stop. so thanks sweetheart, and take care of yourself.
from funda :
strangely, I believe I understood.
from exhaust :
[FUCKING SIGNMYGUESTBOOK.COM!] 1) I have this "friend" who was to interview Morris Day and the (motherfucking) Time. It was all I could do to keep from telling him about you, and the coversation we had about it. 2) How weird is it that Jen's (Reverb) been listening to your music? 3) I love you infinity + 1. 4) I don't really have a best friend either. I kinda miss it sometimes, and sometimes I don't. Maybe we could get some best friend rings and summon each other when we felt like we needed it.
from jezolina :
It's quite alright, I think we both know what we mean. *smiles*
from funda :
Ring, ring. Part of my insanity is that I think sharing the hate or self-pity or confusion or whatever is better than not sharing anything at all.
from deifortuna :
I know what you mean by saying nothing is fair, but I like to look at it a different way. I think that everything is fair, just not in the way you want to think about it. Good things happen to bad people, just as they do to good people, and the same with bad things. Though we might think it best for people's lives to be better or worse depending on how they live, that is what would really be unfair, if good things only happened to good people, and bad things only to bad people. Hmm, I'm sure that can all be simplified somehow...
from deifortuna :
Been a hectic week, haven't had time to make entries or read very much. Anyway, I finally had a moment, so I thought I'd stop by and catch up... You've been busy, last time I read here you had hurt your back. I hope that has gotten better. I didn't think I was going to add an entry tonight, but reading all of that has inspired me somewhat, so thanks. Sounds like you are going through a bit of a rough spot at the moment. The best I can do is to wish that it doesn't last very long.
from funda :
it's the persistence, isn't it?
from funda :
who knows who anybody is.
from silver-blue :
Hey thanks for the congrats :))
from candora :
I just browsed in a circle.
from vanoonoo :
hey there, thought I ought to leave my mark as I've been reading your stuff. Me likey. thanks for writing :)
from candora :
Your words make too much sense in that unusual sort of way that words can not explain. What were we saying again?
from deifortuna :
It looks a lot like the pipe game, but that is about as far as the similarity goes. The point of the game is to create a loop or line with your color of track before your opponent does. You both use the same tiles, so there is never any advantage as far as length of track on the board. Basically you try to divert your opponents plans while furthering your own.
from shrinkodebt :
*scratches head* How did you find out that someone had searched for that?.. I don't get how that would work..
from funda :
Not if it would keep you away.
from exhaust :
HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm still laughing about you posting my phone number. That would be the funniest fuckin' thing ever! Oh my. Yes. That will still be funny tomorrow.
from crazywicked :
unfortunately, for me, youre making perfect sense. i relate to everything you had to say. im going to add it as a favorite entry as soon as i stop being lazy. i really enjoyed it.
from exhaust :
OBSESSIVE NOTE LEAVING CHICK! HAHAHA!! We need to get our moods aligned somehow.
from exhaust :
And, do you think signmyguestbook.com is fucked up? 'Cause I can't sign anyone's and it's pissing me off.
from exhaust :
Well, I was kinda thinking if I did the numbers, and simply answered the questions, you may not remember which question went with which number, and therefore, would have to open another window to see which was which. And, it's all moot now, because I'm much more coherent when I haven't been drinking.
from exhaust :
I guess I could have copied and pasted it. Fuck, I'm lazy.
from exhaust :
Damnit. That was a long note... um... I haven't been reading perceptions, and I don't have that Underworld disc. Um, I'm too lazy to open another window to do numbers, but that would mean you had to open another window, too. *mwuah* (I added my phone number to the links up top, and I keep getting calls from restricted numbers, so, I wonder if maybe people are calling me, and just not leaving messages.)
from funda :
thank you thank you (wish I woulda checked notes earlier)... wanna help me kick me for not calling?
from funda :
wondering just how many balls my head can juggle, now I am adding note leaving to the mix... because also too, and I don't wanna be.
from candora :
should have would have could have, if I didn't fall asleep when I got home... and as usual, working my night shift, I wonder if 4AM is not a good time :}
from exhaust :
This is what I was going to sing into your voicemail, but I left that other dumb message instead... "I just called. To say. I love you. I just called, to say how much I care (IIIIII do.)"
from candora :
so much enjoying the music, so much I'd like to thank you, so much I wish there was something I could do to convince you of what you know when you don't forget... hope the brief change helps, and remember, there's a couch here with your name on it.
from funda :
Build a sand castle at low tide right near the water's edge, then wait for the ocean to play with it and be happy for the ocean, for it gets so few toys to play with these days.
from maniana :
I've read a few of your entries. Your diary is very intruiging.
from funda :
Of course I should be sleeping, but instead I am nibbling on reheated pizza and checking here, first time in days, as if I knew something was waiting. Now I feel all kinds of psychic. And I send the energy to you.
from exhaust :
It's the thought that counts. Believe it or not, I had a job offer when I walked in the door. Man. The universe is funny, and shit.
from miscreant444 :
Fear of God (Walls, Poe, Attaway) She lived by a window, diconnected eyes Holy book beside her, waiting for sign Crucifix pressed tightly to her silent heart Streets of gold before her, deliverance from the dark Fear of God in heaven still remains Fear of asking daily in His name Fear of dying lonely with my pain Save me from the justice of this burning land Walking in the shadow of the big man So forever branded with the mark of Cain Stalking like a lion, raging in my pain Fear of God in heaven still remains Fear of asking daily in His name Fear of dying lonely with my pain In my room is waiting, one of human form Feels no sad emotion, nothing to return He's coming in my dream, the one I've had before He wraps me in white linen, and slowly shuts the door Fear of God in heaven burns within Fear of asking vainly to forgive Fear of dying lonely with my sin Fear of crucifixation once again
from deifortuna :
Hi, what's new in life? Any trips so far or coming up this Summer? I can see what you meant about the movie, though I don't really care that much about actors. My brother had me watch Gangs of New York... it made me sad, though the production was very high quality. Went to a sidewalk sale the other day, got a book called Simple Acts of Kindness for 25 cents, also talked with a guy about Buddhism for a while. It was interesting, but like other religions, I don't think that it has much purpose for me. Well, I hope to hear from you some time soon, don't be a stranger.
from candora :
to my music starved soul, you are an angel, your worth is immeasurably more than words for me now... I wish I could do for you in kind, my dear far away friend, what you hav done for me... if I as only not so wrapped in my own shell, momentarily facing my own selfish challenges, perhaps I could discern an appropriate gift - not to reciprocate, but to restore some of your faith as you have mine... look up, I send you starlight and raindrops tonight, all yours.
from crazywicked :
hello again, its me. i just wanted to say, hold your head up, youre far too wonderful of a person not to.
from exhaust :
Damn. That's a lot of fucking alphabetizing.
from exhaust :
No, no, no, Dude. See, it's got to be a full moon thing. Has to be.
from exhaust :
I bought Hail to the Thief. (I'm glad you found that amusing, it seemed the only word appropriate enough for a link.)
from i-am-jack :
The very ironic thing is that I just made a new friend over the winter, an internet friend, but none the less someone I cared entirely too much about. He IM'd me, actually out of the blue, and we had only been talking for a few days, intensely, and he told ME to never do that. Made me promise I would not suddenly defriend him, or stop talking, etc. Just reading those words made me wonder if I finally found someone who was for real. Naturally I put trust and lots of it into that friendship, and now a strange silence fell. I have no idea how it started, I just know that it was not my doing. He just stopped talking. One minute he wants to meet me possibly next year, the next, its a strain to get him to talk. One word, seemingly annoyed responses. But since its just text, and I am paranoid I can not really make much of the situation. My impression is that he is avoiding me for some reason. I had not expected things to ever get to this point. Its frustrating and depressing. I truly had looked forward to an interesting and long friendship. It makes me wonder what the hell I did, to get the silence.
from lostboynada :
go figure!You're back,and I can't be checking this or posting on a daily basis. Well, it's great to be able to read you again. even if I can only do it in little bits... updating my drama soon. ~Joe
from exhaust :
I have to wonder how I've gone through life without ever purchasing a Radiohead CD. Stupidity is my only guess.
from deifortuna :
Just stopping in to say hi... I watched Vanilla Skies the other day, have you seen it? I'd be curious to know what you thought of it.
from ohrachel :
i love your diary.
from nothingone :
I really enjoyed that poem. Just thought I'd let you know.
from i-am-jack :
I myself have always wanted a friendship that was actually equal on both sides when it came to closeness and priority. There have been a few times that I achieved that beautiful state, but it never lasted. It always ended the same way, I was the one who cared too much about the other person. They meant the world to me, and I was nothing to them, or just a little more than nothing. After things reach a height of intensity, suddenly people feel a need to push me away and run for their lives. They say they will not, yet they always do. Everytime.
from i--feel :
Just thought I'd let you know that I really love your diary. Very passionate.
from darkstarliar :
yeah my guestbook has been fucked ever since i did the redesign of jonsi from sigur ros. he's bad luck i tell you!
from ivy9898 :
*suddenly flattered*...
from ivy9898 :
*psst* impossible to simply say "thinking of you". so instead a blank box-the limitless boundaries of that single thought of you. be well. :)
from i-am-jack :
;^}'
from candora :
ah, yes, good news... and upon reflection, it could be I was looking in the mirror (need a certain kind of smile right here that emoticons have yet to achieve).
from a-nymph :
wow, your diary never ceases to amaze me. You always write with such flare and talent. I love it.
from candora :
That to find the place inside of the observer where independent peace and happiness can be found and the need for others is no longer dominating all desire is a wonderful experience. Still, I wonder what is missed as 9 out of 10 poets agree that it is better to have loved and lost than never to, well, you know. Stay bouyant, but keep sharing.
from candora :
so many answers come without need, but wonder what meaning is lost, if any, in giving up the dream.
from i-am-jack :
Na I will let it wear off naturally. No need for special soap. ;^}' Maybe I like my fiddly parenthasis hug!
from lulu-2 :
I'm so glad you're back. It's spectacular, stupendous, wonderful, and all of those othe big words that I can't spell.
from i-am-jack :
Hmmmmm well you can't fit a physical hug into this box, but you can fit a hug like this: (((((((((the29th)))))))))) ;^}'
from euphoria21 :
Happy 4th of July!!!! ~Vy
from exhaust :
I forgot you were playing the question game! I would like 5 questions from you. You. *mwuah*
from exhaust :
I know... I hope it's just as good tomorrow. Because I think I need to keep going.
from i-am-jack :
Not another silence! ;^{' If anything I found your last entry to be insightful. Like when you talked about obsessions. I am an obsessive person myself. And its never really made sense to me, I just sort of rode each obsessive wave as it came, enjoying the highest points the most. I had a few theories on why I am obsessive, and your entry gave me more food for thought.
from candora :
blessed are we who see (I'm going to try to remember this one too)... you are so right when you are in non-misery, the really scary thing it how we forget it...
from exhaust :
Yeah, dude. Whiplash is ALL I need. Hardy-Har-Har.
from nebulous615 :
I'm testing the waters of whether I should do a general unlock. In the meantime, try this on. It should fit. ying/ling
from i-am-jack :
;^}' Glad to see you back! I was starting to worry there.
from deifortuna :
Sounds like you've got everything under control. I think you did the right thing coming back. There is a middle ground, and you can have the best of both worlds. Besides, what would be the point of any answer that cuts you off from all the wonderful words and stories here. I know that's over simplifying things a bit, but it makes sense to me. Well, I suppose I'll be reading more of your entries in the near future, I look forward to it as always. -Lance Halberd
from candora :
the magic continues... thank you for more words.
from crazywicked :
you're welcome. and thank you. glad to see you writing again. yours truly, kel
from miscreant444 :
Still here, as well. James, especially that album, is SO evocative. That's probably the MOST meaningful album in the expanse of my life...
from nothingone :
hey i'm glad to stick around :)
from darkstarliar :
*taps foot*
from exhaust :
Times up! Hoo-Ray!
from exhaust :
One day left. Not that I was counting, or anything.
from i-am-jack :
Thanks for commenting on my new layout. ;^}' It was my first attempt at making any real changes to it. Its funny how it happened. I had gone to bed and just suddenly decided that I wanted to work on my lay out. I got out of bed, turned the computer back on, and ended up only getting 3 hours of sleep that night, but I like the way it turned out. And as for the job, yeah it was killing me in more than one way. Everyone wants me to call OSHA on them, for treating their workers that way.
from candora :
sheesh, isn't this month over yet?
from deifortuna :
Thanks for stopping by, it was good to hear from you. I hope that you have been doing alright lately, and I look forward to reading more of your words once you feel that the time is right... take your time though, I'm sure that it is worth waiting for.
from neuroticaa :
yay, that's awesome, we have lots of the same tastes. yr username is also probably my favorite that i've ever seen. i'm drawn to stuff like that ;)
from my51dreams :
thank you.
from ninabean :
well what i failed to mention in my journal was that I sent a virus that leaks fumes out of your speakers and infects you with my bacterial throat infection... i sent it to everyone who failed to say "HOpe you feel better soon"... haha.. ok no i didnt... and there will be no cutting of heads for you missy... instead just do what i do and wish for a week long coma.... but allow me stop such nonsense before i get flamed on by someone whos godmothers aunts goldfish is in a coma....bean needs to learn that comas are no laughing matter... but i have to admit I'm curious to know what one sees or experiences through that time period....
from ursaminor2 :
gees, I think your journal may be more depressing than mine.....but not by much and only because my last two entries where almost cheerful. I am glad I found you. I know you don't want notes, I think that is dumb. You need to limit how much you care about getting the notes, not how much people care about you. You sound like someone I would like.
from darkstarliar :
thanks so much, my dear. i thought of you today when my friend mentioned the possibility of going to see radiohead next month (and relayed his experience to me of his fourth row seats he got through w.a.s.t.e. the last time they came around). and only a week away until hail to the thief!! also thanks for the link to the decemberists, i have rather come to love grace cathedral hill. hope things are well with you dear.
from miscreant444 :
you are welcome, you well...grrr, maybe I'll email you. Um, but I loved that banner! and I was glad it led me to you.
from lostboynada :
you may not need new "fans" at this point, but I could not act like I never saw your words. They are... I can't even begin to explain. It's like a window into a much more articulate self.
from miscreant444 :
the words here are like a promise we can't fulfill at the end of the night. All the love we may have for her, her writing, etc does not wrap her up in gentle arms as she sleeps. Sometimes beautiful wonderful things hurt really deeply because they remind you what you're lacking. This isn't to say that I don't have faith in you...or in the likelihood that you can and will find exactly what you're longing for. It's just to say that I understand why *this* isn't enough, even if it is quite good. You want more...you need more...you deserve more. And it is with pure selfishness that I return here: because I get something from reading your thoughts. So I DO understand your request. I DO understand the conflict (at least I think I do). But I don't care. Because every note I leave is a hug, and dammit, it may not be enough but it's all I have.
from deifortuna :
Is being part of this online community such a bad thing? You say you want words and connections more than anything... so? We all have such desires. Perhaps yours may be stronger than most, perhaps in some ways it even has a negative effect on your life. You tell us not to leave you notes, and the only reason you give us is because you want us to leave notes. Perhaps that makes sense to you, but it doesn't follow by the way I look at things. If you really don't want us to come here, than give us a reason... that will be enough for me. Before you do so, consider that your's are not the only feelings to consider. Myself and many other's enjoy knowing you in even the slight false way that we do. Of course, in the end, it is all up to you. Even if we continue leaving notes, you still have the choice to look at them and decide whether or not to reply. This time I'm not reading into things, though I am being serious. You can tell me if it is too much.
from dazzlinglife :
I read your diary whenever you update. You write beautifully, don't ever stop. The occurences you describe transcends mundanity and every day life. I'm so incredibly impressed. Good luck.
from lagrimitas :
I can't explain it nor will I try but I cling to your words as if they held the answer to my life...thank you for sharing your thoughts (words)with nutty people like myself
from miscreant444 :
*huge giant messy kiss* yes, see, you get it. But the squirrel banners are like broken promises...you think you're going to get something good.....damn, I need to not be the mean Becky. I'm sorry for sullying your notes.
from emoboysrule :
You're right; it is sort of addicting. I listened to it a couple times through.
from nothingone :
Glad you're happy.
from candora :
please bother me.
from deifortuna :
Heh, amidst my concern with the last line, I completely forgot to say this: I really enjoyed this last entry. I don't know how you are feeling, but I do know that I liked the direction you were moving in this last entry.
from deifortuna :
Meh, it isn't a big deal. I sort of assumed that you didn't mean it the way I interpreted it, but at the same time, I couldn't let it go. I dunno. It fit the style, and it seemed to be the way to go, but it just wasn't right. It gave me a feeling that a lot of things do, but I can't quite put my finger on it. The best I can do is to say that it seems like cutting corners for the sake of esthetics. Like you started putting all of these pieces together, and everything worked out just fine until the very end, and one piece isn't quite the right shape. You could start over and try again, but it is so much work, and it seems like such a shame to let one little thing ruin the harmony that has already been created. So instead of changing the creation to suit the piece, we try to change the piece to fit the puzzle. We squeeze it in, perhaps cut off some stubborn edges, and then pretend not to notice that it still isn't quite right. We look past it, because everything else is so beautiful. I do this... we all probably do. And while I would never blame anyone for not doing otherwise, I cannot deny that it only saves beauty at the cost of fundamentally corrupting it.
from deifortuna :
Oh yeah, thanks for the positive support. I really appreciate it.
from deifortuna :
Now that is just frustrating. "But I don't want to bother you"... bother who? The only thing that bothers me is the fact that you seem so worried about putting people off... that you would assume writing about those things would bother anybody in the first place. Regardless of whatever else you might think, your writing is enjoyable for people, and we(or at least I) don't feel like we are obligated to come and read your entries. We come because we want to. *sorry, he always takes things much too literally and/or seriously/personally*
from candora :
dam your bladder! (wait, I said I'd be good... oh, well, I'll try not to blurt out too many spontaneous thoughts too often, ok?)
from raven72d :
The song for driving alone down a coastal highway: Cowboy Junkies, "Southern Rain" or Bryan Ferry, "Slave to Love".
from raven72d :
I found you at random... But the layout held me spellbound, as did the power and passion and chill rage in your words.
from wronglife :
I really loved what you said about your skill with words coming from dancing around what you can't make yourself say. I know how that feels. Sorry, saw your diary at random and thoughts from a stranger don't really mean much. -Al
from lifezacircle :
I love you. . . .'nuff said.
from miscreant444 :
I hate when you go so long.
from headinoven :
im sending you easy happiness wrapped up in delicate pink bows. &<3
from brynmurray :
I understand.
from conform :
From one anonymous group of words to another: it may mean nothing to you but you have a rare talent of putting feelings to writing. Most people can write how they feel, few can write what they feel. Because writing what you feel helps you see it properly, not looking from the inside of your own head. Thankyou.
from a-n-i :
doesn't everybody?
from tinywings :
I know what you mean about need. It fills you up but leaves you so empty.
from darkfairy13 :
wonderful diary, destruction can overpower people sometimes...
from sadmoonbeam :
Medusa had enough snakes on her head to accompany her. The movements of the snakes probably drove her insane and by the end of the day, she probably didn't even know what loneliness was anymore... this is only true if it makes you feel any better, dear.
from rabidkiwi :
Given the choice, I would gladly live amongst the pixels in your page.
from discodoll :
It's not easy but you're the only one that can save yourself.
from flashingkoi :
I, too, have felt like that. please hang on.
from candora :
I will not give up (I don't want to) I will not give in... I will nurture the apathy, if that is the only way right now, for doing nothing is better than taking destructive action (I want this to make sense to me)... I will not confuse motion for action (thank you Ben Franklin)... I will continue breathing if only because I will take no action to stop... I am not average (The average adult in one day speaks 48,000 words, exercises seven million brain cells, takes 23,000 breaths, laughs 15 times, and his/her heart beats 104,000 times)... I will not think about it today. (According to the 2000 census, the number of centenarians living in the U.S. was estimated to be at 51,000. The number of those 110 and older was estimated to be 1,400. The projected number of centenarians to be living in the U.S. by the year 2030 is 324,000.)
from baybgrl75 :
hi there...i just read one of ur entries..and i must say...those are so impressive words...its really good writing...for once i can relate to someone with the same feelings...i to..am going through that..
from mousegoddess :
sounds familiar.
from candora :
more more more, s'il tu plais... even if you don't plais, more... I have put off checking my buddy list for days... put off updating my diary for days... updated my journal a little... trouble with the tagboard site... the laptop... the connection... the synapses... the supine position... the madness... you have great note-people.
from deifortuna :
Thanks for your response. After listening to you, I'm no longer as worried. It does make sense to me, even if I don't know exactly what you are going through. That is just the way we are at times. It sounds like your doing as well as you can with the situation though, so I'm confident that you will make it out one way or another.
from deifortuna :
There is probably nothing I can say to you that you don't already know, nothing that wouldn't merely seem insulting. But I have to say something, for my sake, if not for yours. It's okay to be needy, we all need people to depend on, to spend time with and to help us. Perhaps you feel bad for asking too much, but you shouldn't. You won't always feel this way, and someday you know you will be able to return the favor to others in need. That's just the way things are, accept it or don't. On a somewhat unrelated note, I've been worried these past few days. A time is coming when you will need to be strong. I think that time is close, almost upon us. You may feel ineffectual at times, but it is so important that you don't give up hope. I believe in you, but it isn't enough. You have to believe in yourself as well.
from stonedsour :
hmm...it's been a while since I've read your diary...playing catch-up...your notes are interesting...these people who care so much for you..these people who do seem to need you..people that...[shrugs] anyhow......there are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going...
from deifortuna :
...that switch will reset far too often to last, and every time it resets, it will be harder and harder to flip again until you simply break down. After that, you may eventually get up the strength to flip the switch once more, but it will never take you anywhere good, and while the numbness postpones it, there is just as much pain in this cycles as there is in any other.
from euphoria21 :
I don't know what it was about this entry..."Nothing for three and then two in one". But it kept me there, scrolling down as if I needed to find some kind of connection to it by you. You always leave me in awe whenever I'm not being worried about you. I do hope there is no hidden meaning in #30(go back to it). What better compliment can I give you but...complete and total awe. You are so incredible that it just seeps out of your pores b/c it can't find a place to hold itself in. It leaks from you straight unto paper/screen.
from miscreant444 :
So, this isn't your guestbook. I hope it will suffice. I sometimes think my whole diary is just a list of "those" songs. Music affects me in a way people never get (or take) the chance to. But, as a list, Raining in Baltimore by The Counting Crows "you're 3 thousand, 5 hundred miles away, but what would you change if you could?" Nights Like These by Lucero "it's nights like these that make me sleep all day it's nights like these that make you feel so far away it's nights like these nothing is for sure it's nights like these i don't want you anymore yeah i've only got this one wish that i was good enough to make you forget the only boy who ever broke your heart cuz nights like these tear me apart it's nights like these the sad songs don't help it's nights like these your heart's with someone else it's nights like these i feel like giving up it's nights like these i don't seem to count for much now i've only got this one wish that i was good enough to make you forget the only boy who ever broke your heart cuz nights like these tear me apart beer tastes like blood and my mouth is numb and i can't make the words i need to say she had a weakness for writers and i i was never that good with words anyways i've only got this one wish i wish i was good enough to make you forget the only boy who ever broke your heart cuz nights like these tear me apart." Thirteen by Bigstar "Won't you let me walk you home from school? Won't you let me meet you at the pool? Friday I can get tickets for the dance And I'll take you Oooh hoo Won't you tell your Dad, "Get off my back"? Tell him what we said 'bout "Paint It Black" Rock and Roll is here to stay Come inside, where it's OK And I'll shake you Oooh hoo Won't you tell me what you're thinking of? Would you be an outlaw for my love? If it's over, let me know If it's nowhere, I can go I won't make you Oooh hoo" and finally (for the purposes of this list), I Hope You Stay by Tears On Sunday, "ease my pain; i cannot take it anymore. i cry out loud, until the sound breaks down my door; how can i change the fates that bind me to this place? illusions fail; realities kick me in my face.. but you're the love that I keep coming to. chorus: it's you, and though i want this world to go away, it's you, and you can pull me through just one more day, it's you, and i hope you stay it must be real cos i can't help but be afraid; can you trust your heart when, by your heart, you were betrayed? can i remember all the loves my life has killed? choke on the medicine; why is it such a bitter pill? but you're the love i keep coming to."
from nothingone :
As sad as that was, it was beautiful. You like so few others are lucky enough to put your feelings into words, and you do it gracefully. When in doubt look at yourself and that ability as a talent, because I assure you, there are people who don't do what you do as well as you do that. Smile.
from candora :
as alone as I am, as much as it aches, I choose it myself rather than deal with the challenge of overcoming the obstacles in the way of sharing... sometimes that is stupid, sometimes that is wise... sometimes I just don't know.
from deifortuna :
I wanted to write an entry on this, but I don't have access at the moment, so I thought I'd ask you for the time being. Sometimes my emotions take me for a ride. My opinion on life will change every five minutes, and almost invariably I will end up in some state of depression. Maybe for an hour, or a day, days, weeks, or months. Sometimes it gets bad. I consider my usual optimism and am disgusted by it; it feels like there simply is no hope, and no meaning in any of it. Even during the worst throws of it though, somewhere, deep within myself, I know that it isn't true. It can't be true. I can't explain it, but it is just there, and it never really leaves me. I'm wondering, is this the experience of others? Is everyone aware, even in the pit of their depression, that it isn't real? Or is that not always the case? Are there some people that truly believe this darkness to be truth? Sorry that my language is so vague, I'm having a hard time describing this. Anyway, I'll write an actual entry later on.
from deifortuna :
That is one way to look at things. I think that you are probably right too. Then again, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say differently. With respect to your latest entry, do you really believe that what goes on in your mind can be all that terrible to anyone but yourself? I'd believe in a second that it might be disturbing, but I can't imagine anyone (even someone who is truly insane) writing something that bothers me that much. I suppose it is possible though.
from deifortuna :
Do you suppose it really is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? I'm thinking it probably is, but I can't really say from experience.
from candora :
hiccups
from candora :
you can call me if you like... sometimes it is just a matter of finding a compatible person, at least until the right one comes along... waiting for the right one can be a lonely choice, but don't let it drive you to negative feelings... the unfulfilled desire can hurt, but if you see the hunger as a sign of hope that you can love as deeply as it hurts not to love, then there's a smile in there somewhere... the deeper it gets, the higher you can fly... yeah, remember that.
from candora :
you can call me if you like... sometimes it is just a matter of finding a compatible person, at least until the right one comes along... waiting for the right one can be a lonely choice, but don't let it drive you to negative feelings... the unfulfilled desire can hurt, but if you see the hunger as a sign of hope that you can love as deeply as it hurts not to love, then there's a smile in there somewhere... the deeper it gets, the higher you can fly... yeah, remember that.
from lagrimitas :
Hope your father recovers soon, and sending warm wishes and vibes your way hugz =)
from euphoria21 :
I have to agree with you there. I'm tired of trying to pull my broken family back, and now I actually feel better when I keep them apart. When we're close we just hurt eachother.
from candora :
there is always somebody, they just might be out of sight by their choice or yours... once again, your lyrical reference is reflecting my last entry in another journal (candor at livejournal, the 4/20)... hope your dad is ok.
from deifortuna :
Been a while since I've heard from you. How are you doing? I'm just peachy.
from candora :
1. so similar the thoughts, but what does that mean... too much?... too little?... I think maybe it's just expectations and 'what-might-be' thoughts that trip up the possibilities... 2. I've received such wonder filled boxes and I know the roller coaster of emotions... look in the box and see somebody truly cares, then look around and see nobody's really here... but it's still magic to get unexpected gifts of caring in the mail... 3. thank heaven... for old movies.
from sadmoonbeam :
Thank you? You're mostly welcome, dear.
from nething315 :
this is most definetly one of my, if not the, favorite entry ever..
from candora :
unplug the shreader, destruction can wait... many things make a heart hesitate... it could be fear, it could be love, a nightmare or something you've always dreamed of... but listen a moment, it's never too late... death is too permanent a fate... I challenge you to an adventure... box it all, store it all, leave it all behind... but remember that it's never really gone because it all just extends from your mind.
from miscreant444 :
a million conversational fragments...they all lead to one thing. You. thank you, for what it's worth.
from deifortuna :
I think that I am starting to worry. However, that is usually futile.
from candora :
it amazes me that I have not found you before... but then, there are probably hundreds of diaries I'd read daily if I had the time... still, it is exciting when I find one that has me tearing myself away from the other umpteen browser windows I have simultaneously open to stay in one and keep clicking, before, before, before... I will be back for more of you.
from omega-hue :
the eyes. who do they belong to? that is what got me reading. take care. ~o.
from deifortuna :
Reading your last few entries, some thoughts have been forming in my head, but I'm worried that I can't quite find the words to voice them. Of course we all do things that don't make sense, that seem stupid, or wrong, and we feel that we should stop. At least at some level we do. But we don't really want to stop. I mean, maybe there are some reasons to go on the same way. It could just be laziness, or some other silly reason, but I think it is because it is interesting. I find myself depressed for no real reason, and while I don't like the feeling, and I can get rid of it, sometime I just don't feel like doing anything about it. So, you just keep on doing it, and if it ever really becomes a problem, you can change it then. If not, then it probably doesn't matter. Or at least, that is what I imagine we tell ourselves. Works alright for me.
from miscreant444 :
sorry for the coding, old habits are hard to break. as you know.
from miscreant444 :
responsibility.<br><br> one day of isolationsim and you're gone.
from deifortuna :
Hmm, well whatever you decide to do, it would still be nice to hear about you. I didn't have much luck sleeping last night, but other than that, I'm just dandy.
from komachi :
Thank you so much for your kind words you left me on my gbook the other day. It meant a lot to me.
from miscreant444 :
you owe me nothing. you owe me everything. you better not be going anywhere i can't follow. not yet
from shortst101 :
Heck, it's been one scary year!
from deifortuna :
I'm curious as to if you ever came to a decision about divulging your other diary... either way though, I'd love to hear how you are doing if you would care to drop by and leave me a note sometime. I've enjoyed your entries lately, though I don't often find them uplifting.
from miscreant444 :
well, you deserved a story, at the very least.
from miscreant444 :
...years ago a girl bought a notebook, dark blue, and a silver pen. in this notebook she wrote her name. that meant something. it meant she was there and cognizant of her own 'thereness.' it was the way she claimed ownership of all the thoughts that would fill that notebook. she looks back now and understands the *nearly* erotic wave of feeling that rushed over her whenever she ventured down the school supply aisle. even then, she knew the way nothing is more intimate than a notebook, dark blue, filled with silver penmanship haltingly yet irrevocably announcing to the world everything she ever had inside. no person, no wandering hands, or trembling fingers could ever touch her there...
from i-am-jack :
Yes, I did not like "Joe" either. It just sounded wrong. LOL.
from nakedembrace :
<3.
from emperorincxt :
miss you. and of course now i have to go. but thankyou for your kinds words. its hard.. its so dark here.. but anyways. i am still here. though not as often as id like to be. byefornow.
from wide-eyes :
thank you darling. sweetness &lightness is lovely on summery days. &consider the radio duly on full blast with me singing my heart out. [[oh hang on i can't sing!]]. but loveness paige xoxox
from luceroisbest :
i know how it looks...i did copy your code and the urls to your pictures came too, but only because i wanted to read the code, i admired it...my comp crashed for an hour and in that time, your urls/bandwidth was being stolen by me :( not intentional. honest. as soon as my comp came back from hideous death, i removed the urls/pics etc. because, honestly, i just wanted to read and try out your code (which i have modified some and plan to modify more) but which i still admire....take that as you will.
from theoddone72 :
What the crap is that?! There has been so much shit with stealing entries, templates, etc on this site, it's getting old. Growl.
from deifortuna :
Love will slap you in the face... I suppose it is possible. I thought I felt that before though, but it was just from laying eyes on someone. Love at first sight? Ha, maybe as much as it is possible, but she is gone now... nothing left but a confused feeling of regret. Oh, pardon, I'm being self absorbed again. You said a lot about how you want to quit wondering, hoping, wishing. But, does that mean you want to no longer care about those things? Or, does it mean you want these to be fulfilled so you no longer have to hope for them? Or, more likely perhaps, you don't care either way.
from euphoria21 :
You'll know the difference, trust me, even if you don't know it other parts of you will defenitely know when love comes around. Why? Cause it's going to slap you in the face...
from euphoria21 :
And those words have proven true with you, haven't they? You know, more is better...Hee hee!
from deifortuna :
So, how have you been as of late? I've been keeping up with your diary, but I know that is only one side, err, maybe many sides, but definitely not all of them... My last entry was deleted during the server problems, I'm sad. On the bright side, I saw a really wonderful movie today called Don Juan de Marco. It may be one of the best movies I've ever seen. Also, I get royalty checks every time someone watches it, so I thought it would be a good idea to push it at diaryland.
from bandchick182 :
te amo (i love you) and you are perfect. and not worthless. if you are worthless then i am dead.
from euphoria21 :
"Without the bitter the sweet wouldn't taste as sweet" Vanilla Sky
from euphoria21 :
I've written a few, so when you get the time go and read...
from euphoria21 :
I don't know if this is so...but the day that someone falls in love with you they're going to have a hard time letting you go. I can just imagine you breathing that crisp breeze of air into their lungs, and then before they get to tell you that they are crazy about you, I have this bad feeling that you'll run away afraid of their fellings, or worse yet, your own. You are so talented, honey!!!
from eveningsun :
i wish i had just one fraction of your writing talent..
from deifortuna :
Somewhere I once heard that 'A' is for 'Apple'. I don't think I'll ever forget that. -Dei Fortuna
from nebulous615 :
and thank you, too
from nebulous615 :
{you're welcome}
from i--feel :
Nice diary. Better than mine, that's for sure.
from nething315 :
excellent entries by yourself as usual...tres insightful :) thanks for the birthday note too
from euphoria21 :
I know how you feel. I wish I could have a very bad case of insomnia atleast for an entire year. My best writing would come out of that, I know it, I just know it. Unfortunately the last time I stayed up until 5am writing some really good stuff I was heavily intoxicated. I can't do that all the time. I used to have trouble living in my reality so then I started to make my own non-existing universe, with its own planets that surrounded it as well. The bad thing was when my non-existing universe insisted/started seeping into my real life. I used to imagine stories then tell people that it had been me that went through it. And being a great actress(thanks to all those Drama classes in Junior High, and High School)everyone believed me. So when I saw I wouldn't have a problem in people believing my lies I kept on saying more. Until my fake life was 50 times better than my real one. Oh, and yes, words are pointless, but then again, they're all WE'VE got.
from euphoria21 :
"Every man has got a devil, and he can't rest until he finds it" ~The Crow~ And I have found my demon, and tonight it will be hard to rest. But I'm glad I found it, or I believe it found me. P.S. As if I was ever lost, or maybe......
from deifortuna :
Heh, I hope you didn't think to hard about the Ford thing, it had nothing to do with anything. It would be interesting to hear of some of the things you thought about though... I was doing some school work on him, and felt like putting him in there at random, neglecting any possible consequences. So, sorry about that... I'd do it again though. I hope that you are doing well, and I will see you around. -Lance Halberd
from euphoria21 :
~"The wire was in my mouth and I was chewing on the cord. I know better than to play with electricity but the feel of it between my teeth was good and the idea of sparks inside of me was better." Beautiful honey, very bery, good>>>>>>>>
from deifortuna :
Perhaps if you asked people to stay, they would stay? Hmm, no, I suppose that is wrong. They might stay, but, at least if I said that, I'd feel like I was being imposing, or that I would look desperate. I guess I really can't relate though, it doesn't matter if people want to stay with me, in a year I will leave everyone for college... perhaps after that I will understand. What do you think about Henry Ford?-Dei Fortuna
from theoddone72 :
Thank you! I love the song you posted under my name. It's spiffy-cool. ~Carissa
from euphoria21 :
Now "Driftwood" I liked alot. Sorry about what I said the other day. Take care
from lagrimitas :
(what's this about locked diary?-hope not, did I miss something? humm) But what I came to say after reading your last entry...you always touch the depth of my heart, I see a lil of me in you, what I fear to say, you say so well...*sighs*
from eveningsun :
thank you so much for your note. i'm sorry if i gave you the feeling you had to explain yourself to me or something, because that was not my intention at all - i don't want to force you or do you wrong. glad you unlocked your diary again, though. (and i hope you did it for yourself because that would be the only reason why you should) of course i don't know the whole story but i think i do understand what you wrote - for as far as i can, of course, i'm only me.. i believe in your strength and i hope one day you will too.
from deifortuna :
I just noticed the song titles you have listed next to all of your favorites. I'm curious, how do you decide on what to choose? If you care to share that is.
from deifortuna :
Nertz, I couldn't even figure out who 'you' was before, and now it has switched. I guess I'm simply no good at this... it is still enjoyable though. I'm sorry to hear about all the unfortunate business though. I thought that you have been doing fairly well for yourself though, so I bet you will continue to if you don't change. Besides, who knows if any of us could change even if we tried? Between your entries and some other interesting things I've encountered, I think I better go write something while I'm feeling inspired. Hmm, self centered to the end, it is always about me. That will probably not change either. -Blaise Crimson
from ivy9898 :
locked=sad....i hope it's not for long!
from broken-kim :
Well just thought I would add my cents. Hope maybe you will change your mind and unlock. I will miss you. ttyl
from deifortuna :
Locked... I suppose you must have your reasons. If they are good enough for you, I guess I won't argue.
from eveningsun :
mm same here.. i'm sorry to see your diary is locked as i enjoyed it very very much.. i hope you are okay, hope we hear from you soon! *hugs*
from shortst101 :
Sorry to see that your diary is locked **sighs** hope you are okay. Hugs
from hysareyl :
You're locking? Oh no, why?
from deifortuna :
As I was reading your last few entries, an idea has been forming in my mind. Mind you, before I go on, this is another response based on the probably foolish tendency of me to take everything everybody writes literally, so I don't assume it really applies to anything. Nevertheless, you say that instead of opening yourself up to others and risk being hurt, you remain closed, and hurt yourself the same. I could understand if you weren't hurting yourself, but if you are going to be experiencing the pain either way, you might as well have the added bonus of seeing people's responses... makes things more interesting. Worste senario is that somehow they manage to hurt you more than you would normally chastise yourself, and on the otherhand, it is always possible that the result will be positive. Yeah, well, I'm sick and tired right now, so sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I have to write it now though, because I'd probably regret it later.
from euphoria21 :
Don't take it the wrong way, just reminisce. Forgot to spell. Don't be upset. Love ya,
from euphoria21 :
I read "The Kind", and at first I thought you need some TLC, and maybe you're just going through some shit, but then I realized that I think of the same shit I just don't mention it to anyone. And when days are good I figured I don't think like that anymore, but I do. So I understand your bitchiness, and your rantings. More power to you. but the whole self-loathing thing for me is so Junior Highish.
from euphoria21 :
It's been a while since I've read something that really makes me think and your last entry of you loathing on yourself sounds like what I think about when I'm high. But it makes perfect sense.
from darkstarliar :
in regards to the question asking thingie, how about this: your personal belief on why we're here (besides for shits and giggles). may be a little deeper question than you expected, but i rather like your diary and have been wondering what you would have to say on the topic. thanks for your time.
from nothingone :
Hey. Don't even pretend that you don't care that someone laughed and pointed at you. Laugh and point the finger at them because those few moments when your happy with your music and you feel whole are yours and they are precious to you. I know this because it's the same for me (different precious moment though). Who you are is not encapsulated by your skin or flesh. Who you are is much deeper then that and anyone who sings loudly in their car is someone I'd like to know. Keep your chin up and sing louder. It's your life and jerks who will look down at you don't belong in it.
from lagrimitas :
You wave and sing louder and smile from ear to ear, at least its what I do when caught Tapping a lil beat on your steering wheel adds to the scene! =)
from deifortuna :
It is comforting, knowing that there are others who experience the same things that I do. I had a nice chat last night, which cheered me right up though, so I'm doin' alright now. Feeding the birds from your car sounds like a blast, I'll have to try it sometime.
from dreamofblue :
i didn't know it was your birthday so now that i know, happy birthday! and i'm glad you had a nice day.
from euphoria21 :
Happy Birthday, sweetheart.
from deifortuna :
Happy birthday.
from ivy9898 :
hey dumb question...how do you insert links into an entry? and of course happy birthday! (i'm not much of a bday girl either so i kinda know how you feel)
from nothingone :
Happy birthday dear. Hope your day is somewhat okay. Hope the song works at making you smile. Hope maybe this does. Hope a lot for you. :D xox
from lagrimitas :
Oh man im half asleep and just realized right above that it said you'll pretend (goes I'll go along) *laughs*
from lagrimitas :
Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday dear the29th and many more on channel 4 lalalala (don't forget to blow out your candle and make a wish) *Hopes it truly is ur birthday* hehehe either way well spent singing (might want to cover your ears hehehe)
from jezolina :
I love your diary, it's beautiful. And that quote from Jacob's Ladder is my favorite :*)
from euphoria21 :
I love that song from The Beatles, sorry that you feel so irritated and helpless, or so that's what it appears to be, J.Lo and her beau suck!!!
from i-am-jack :
Actually, it was my sister that got me to watch it. From the commercials, it did not look at all like what it was really about. My sister had not wanted to see it either, but one of her friends who is really into boxing and fights, dragged her to see it. It was not what any of us had expected, but we all loved it. Unforunately, the end had been spoiled for me. My sister had given me the whole plot run down and thought it was a movie that I would really like, and she was too right! Yes, my journal has a running Fight Club theme. The quotes you see in some entries, are from the book. Get the book as soon as you can, it ends different, and in my opinion, better. But I will not spoil it for you.
from hysareyl :
You write so wonderfully...
from i-am-jack :
;^}' Wow, I was the reason you watched Fight Club? I am glad that you got to see it. It is an amazing movie, and still my favorite (as you can probably tell) after years. If you liked the movie, you will probably love the book.
from ivy9898 :
wow, you're amazing
from deifortuna :
Amazing, your last entries have been, well... it is hard to say; they were moving at the very least. That someone so poetic, and Romantic, has not yet found true love is rather disheartening. If you have not met him yet, I hope that he comes soon; and I hope that you do fall in love. Not just for your sake, but for mine... if you can't find love, then it would seem there is little hope for me. I need to believe that a romantics dreams can be realized.
from deifortuna :
How do you describe the feeling you get when you see something cute? I was thinking about this, and it occurred to me that cuteness is one of the few things in this world that is completely good and pure. Can you think of anything else like that?
from ghani :
hi i thought i would give you a buzz since you wanted someone to chat to you....leave me anote if you want to read my journal and i will send ya the password....*smile it confuses ppl* ~ghani
from deifortuna :
For some reason I've never thought about death much... just never seemed like much useful could come from it. I don't pretend though; the stage is set, I'm my own audience and I eagerly await what will happen next. Perhaps there even will be a 'Best Of' real every now and then, somewhere down the road when I'm looking back on my life with those I have spent it with.
from deifortuna :
Rather a curious entry, hard to put my finger on what I think about it. The idea of their being many different versions of us is always interesting. Because you are not as you picture yourself, you are not as I picture you, and how I picture you is no doubt different than how you think I picture you. It seems like an awful lot of trouble to work your mind around all that... Isn't that one of the goals of enlightenment though, to eliminate the boundary, or find the meeting place between the objective and subjective? To realize that what we are, what we percieve us to be and what others percieve us as are all the same thing? I dunno, perhaps that is wrong... I'm just going off of vague recollections from Pirsig's Z.A.M.M. Meh, have a nice day.
from ivy9898 :
your current post is, i think, beautiful in the most poignant sense i know.The idea of being only what others think you are...well done, well said
from deifortuna :
I liked your latest entry. I feel that the only thing I can do to be "greatful" is to live a full life. Heh, I thought for a moment that I'd like to be the person to give/recieve that call, but I think you'd be disappointed. Perhaps there is someone around here though... I wonder if relationships that start out online can ever amount to anything. The people I chat with and who read my diary certainly know me in a way far more intiment than those who I spend my day to day life with do. But, something tells me that it probably wouldn't work out anyway. It is difficult for me to be so open with people I know, and that might disappoint people. I'm not worried though, she'll find me some day.
from nothingone :
If it's any consolation you convey your love and loneliness quite well. I enjoy your words. I would enjoy them directly in my ear (or eyes). I think that means I'd be willing to be one of the people you call at 3 in the morning. But that won't work. I feel like we should talk or something. I don't know how. I'll just write this note then. Take care.
from deifortuna :
Thanks for answering my questions, I know they are difficult if you really think about them. I've been looking to answer the question of how to be happy, but I can only get half of it. The answers I've found allow me to endure my own suffering so that I may remain satisfied with my life, but not the suffering of others. There are so many sorrowful people in the world... I still don't know what to do about it. I've tried helping, but most are beyond what little I can do. I've tried not caring, but it just hurts even more. Now I'm simply trying not to do either. I can live with it, but it is no answer. Even though it has to do with other's pain, it is for me in the end. I only want others to be happy so I can stop feeling their pain and share their joy instead. Those questions have always seemed important to me though, and it is my secret hope that somehow the path that has taken me to them will continue on to my answer.
from deifortuna :
Just a comment on your last entry, which happens to have a bit with my last questions. What does matter? Please don't say nothing, because I know that isn't true, not for me or you.
from hel :
Life sucks sometimes. But sometimes it doesn't. The trick is to hang on to remembering the last time it didn't suck, until the next time. And also possibly to figure out WHY it sucks, and change it. And it does eventually get generally better, in the everydayness. Really. I speak from experience. I hope you have someone in your life who is there helping you through this. Cos having someone to talk to about it, in person, can really help a lot.
from deifortuna :
You know, I don't think I've ever asked you the three questions. If you would, either in an entry, or in a note, please consider these questions. What do you want? What do you fear? What do you believe? They are difficult questions to answer, so please take your time.
from deifortuna :
"Remind me why, please, please, I beg of you, tell me why I shouldn't." Because you want someone to remind you.
from lagrimitas :
I believe you attract people because you speak what no others will..what others try so hard to hide from everyone in order to be accepted. At least your current entry has made me feel as if you've captured some of my most inner thoughts. A tainted as your words are, it is beautifully done. How can pain and anguish have such passionate rhythm.
from deifortuna :
I'm not sure if it is only for students... I will have to ask. I definitely won't if it is, but thanks for your permission.
from deifortuna :
Meh, this is probably a silly idea, but I thought I might as well go ahead with it. My school publishes a collection of poetry and short stories annualy, and I was wondering if you would allow me to submit "(be) still the ghost", under a pseudo name of yours or anonomously. Like I said, it is probably a silly idea; at least something seems wrong with it, though I can't put my finger on it. It would bother me if I didn't ask though... funny, that logic hasn't been justified in the past... maybe I just don't learn. -Blaise Crimson
from ladybug123 :
hi i just wanted to say that i love your layout! :)
from don-quixote :
hi, actually , i'm je5ica...anyway, you write beautifully. even when your mind is falling to pieces, know that you at least brightened someone else's day out in this vast eternity. reading your diary is like seeing things i think written as perfectly and beautifully as i could state them. i think i'll return. pretty eyes in your banner. welcome to my brain, nice to see you for the first time. now you can't exactly get out. you'll always be somewhere in the far reaches of my mind. how odd that is. existance defined by relation and reality to other's. society...hmph. there i go ranting. farewell. je5icafletcher
from deifortuna :
Waste... could there be such a thing without humans? Without any life around to appreciate the facts of scarcity, what meaning could waste have? It is all in our minds. But I believe our lives are for us to discover what we can do with them. To give our lives up for someone else to use seems as much of a waste as not doing anything with it ourselves. Oops, heh, probably taking your journal too literally again. Well, either way, it made me feel like writing this.
from deifortuna :
Now that was a dream worth writing down. I often wonder about dreams, as do many people, I suppose. I'm not the type to believe in any revealing symbolism between my life and dreams, yet I still catch myself wondering if there is a deeper meaning in them. Perhaps there is, as I'm sure there are things I only know at a subconscious level anyway. I'd be interested to know what you have to say on the topic. But, there was another question I wanted to ask as well. Many people have different ideas about death, whether they be religious, scientific, or philosophical. Rather than ask what you think will happen to your being when you die though, I would like to ask what you hope for after death, if you could decide what the after life is or is not.
from deifortuna :
I hope everything works out with those stories. Stories are wonderful things. But, this is not the place for me to go into that. I like your use of analogies to describe your thoughts, the imagery is interesting. I don't have anything particular on my mind tonight, and it would be tiring if I asked you a question every time I left a note. So, for now, I'll look forward to further entries, and post something here when I get an idea of what I'd like to ask next.
from deifortuna :
Well, I think the question may be a little silly, despite so many people being concerned about it. What do I believe? I believe that I am free to choose what I want, but since I can not change what I want, there is only one possible outcome. What I'm certain of is that it doesn't matter what you believe, that is, if there is only one possibility, we cannot know what it is for sure, and whether you believe in a fate or free will, you are still responsible for your decisions. I like the way you think about it, that distinction between what people can control and what they can't is a helpful way to judge events. Sweet entry by the way, I found the sentiment warming. This might be a bit much for a note, but if you will, consider expressing your thoughts on good and evil. Mere human inventions, or do they have an existence beyond us?
from deifortuna :
Yes, from previous comments you have made, I think I have come to understand the nature of your diary for the most part. This is one of the reasons I am leaving notes here, because I want to gain insight on the person behind the diary. So far, I think it has been successful; I'm already developing a much different picture of you than what I had seen before. I believe I feel the same way about drug induced happiness. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, but it seems wrong for me. I'd rather have my suffering. But change... if it is I who want the change, then I believe who I become is who I am. Besides, I will change whether I try to or not. Sometimes it bothers me that I am no longer who I was. At the same time though, I'm happy with who I am, and even if I don't stay the same, I am confident I will be happy in the future. Anyway, that is my take on change. Since its been on my mind, what are your thoughts on fate vs. free will?
from deifortuna :
As I may have hinted at, I have a desire to try and help people that often manifests itself foolishly. A part of me feels that people who seem somewhat depressed need help, and that I can help them. It is folly. How do I know who needs or wants help, and who am I to aid those? I have a hard time doing nothing though, so I decided to just try and get to know you. I asked you the question, because I wanted to see what your response would be, perhaps it would illuminate into why you feel the things you do, and what you think about feeling this way. I want to understand you better.
from deifortuna :
Why do I attempt to edit my messages after posting them? Stupid philophy...
from deifortuna :
I used to try and give advice to people, but then I realized that I still had a long way to go myself. I don't wish to give you advice, or suggest that you need it. But for my own pursuits, I would at least like to ask you a question. Have you considered trying to change? I did this, but discovered that no options presented a clear advantage. I'm curious if this is the same for you, or if you can imagine an outlook or philophy which would be an improvement. If you can answer this, I'll appreciate it, but, if you'd rather not, don't sweat it, I'll be fine. -Blaise Crimson
from flyinby :
if diaries were an art form, yours would be a picasso! kudos, and keep it up.
from bonkersquipy :
your diary is beautifl...and your design is wonderful...
from lunablossom :
Just clicked on your banner and wanted you to know that there is no ability to love. Love isn't a talent, it just happens. If you haven't found it yet don't despair, it has nothing to do with you. Love with find you, you just have to be patient. In fact, I don't know any one who is talented in the face of love...Just keep the faith.
from raven72d :
I found your diary via a vur' fascinating banner ad. And I do find the entries unnervingly close to all my own thoughts and feelings. I'll be back here often.
from fader :
nice setup. I especially like the way the b's and d's look. spade is trebble.
from orchdreamer :
your layout is breath taking, it's soo pretty in a strange way...I can't even pin point why I like it, it's everything I guess. I like your writing to, thumbs way up for just being yourself, keep smiling
from neangel :
stopped in to say hello!
from neangel :
stopped in to say hello!
from smallsapling :
*adds favorite* Your diary is beautiful.
from hysareyl :
*stombles by* what do you say, when you for some strange, unknown reason, want to compliment somebody, for something you don't know what is, and you can't find the words?
from floodtide :
I won't say anything 'good' nor 'bad' for fear of making you regretting adding me in the first place. But I have to say this: Please don't be "intimidated" by me, I'm such a wuss. I won't let myself be intimidated by YOUR knowing so much about computers and web sites and having such a powerful design. Is that a fair trade? Love, Flood.
from floodtide :
Hi - I'd like to thank you for listing me as a favorite, because coming from someone as articulate and honest as you are it's quite a compliment. Your diary is terrific; I'll be back for more. LOVED what you said about second-guessing what you say; I'm very guilty of the same thing myself. Love, Flood.
from autumnal :
interesting diary
from chibiutena :
Stumbled upon your diary and just wanted to say that ur layouts uber awesome...
from deifortuna :
Many of us have similar problems, though I suppose the way they effect us and what we do about it is always different. I don't want to try and relate to you, because I probably can't, and even if I could, I really don't see what it would help. I enjoyed many of your entries though, and wanted to praise you in particular for the poem you wrote "(be) still the ghost"(at least I assume this is the title). I don't know what sort of truths it holds for you, or even me, but the style is very elegant. Well, good luck with everything, and thanks for your time. -Incognito
from broken-kim :
I just wanted to say that I feel pretty much the same way about life as you. I don't want to always wonder what I am really feeling but that seems to be the way it always is. I hope for the both of us that that will one day change.

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