messages to meltingblu:
(click here to add new message):

from lyyn :
i lost your password & miss you babe
from lyyn :
i love you. that is all. xxo
from lyyn :
oooo! awesome!
from jumblygiant :
I'll always be rooting for you.
from lyyn :
I emailed you back! regarding this post, i feel like sometimes women don't give themselves enough credit and give men too much. or maybe just waste their time on men who aren't their equal. maybe i'm biased but you're the one who's the special bird.
from meltingblu :
lynn, I've been trying to get a hold of you..miss you madly..emailed your old links...if you see this--get at me at [email protected]
from lyyn :
do you read your notes? i want some details on that stuff. hi.
from lyyn :
ugh, I am here. still here! like desperate for this to still be here all of a sudden. so immensely glad you're writing. i need your words still! i'd be lost without. i am feeling VERY FUCKING DRAMATIC. a huge need for this white box linking me back to the past. love you and i hope you're .... something. hee. xoxox.
from lyyn :
yeah, wtf?
from lyyn :
I am so fucking happy for you! happy late b-day.
from lyyn :
hi, you sound like you're doing great. happy for you. zach sounds cool too. good stuff!
from lyyn :
hey, love to read what you write. :)
from lyyn :
hey, I don't know if you read the comments here anymore, but I want you to know that I'm still reading. I have all this stuff I want to say, but it all sounds so hollow. Don't give up. Things can get better. Depression is terrible and feels endless but there's hope. See? I've been listening to this podcast a lot, 'Mental Illness Happy Hour' and thinking about depression. I don't know if you like that kind of stuff, but I've found it really interesting & helpful. And lizzie, your writing is beautiful, always. It really can be better, life and everything. I think. I am holding onto this hope because I am still trudging along, taking a crack at recovery, a million times over. I cannot give up and give in, just can't. xxo.
from lyyn :
hey. I read that, about the brazilian, twice. I could read your posts all day, seriously. I love it when you write. I've just felt so at a loss for words in general, though, so I don't know what to say, but I get it. The pity fuck of sorts that is spun out of a major lack of self care. Kinda the worst. I guess this: If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. xxxo.
from lyyn :
god, that is fucking horrible. i'm so sorry for her--just fucking awful.
from lyyn :
it seems insane to work so hard for so little. the pressure of that has to be immense. I'm always here for you, if you need it, L. Here to listen or whatever you need. And I know this is fucking hard, but let your family help you. Take their money. I mean, I don't know if that is even an issue, but if they are offering--fucking take it. And don't feel guilty because, well, that's just what family should do when someone is drowning. And it's not like you're scamming them Intervention-style, or something. You need it and you need their help. Anyway, wondering what you really want to be doing and where do you really want to be? Probably not living in a closet with 3 other girls. ugh. you're gonna figure it out though. 29 was a fucking crazy year for me too. not that is helps but yeah. actually 35 is kinda nuts too. lol. more stable-nuts though.
from lyyn :
happy very belated birthday. misss/luv.
from lyyn :
hey, i am here and reading, of course. i've been missing you--even though I don't write here anymore either. do you even read these notes? good question, actually. things are still kinda shitty with me too. so there's my eternal DL update. anyway. i am curious what's up with dc. miss u. xo.
from lyyn :
to dentist: yes, I am ready to blind people with my unbareable hotness. too bad you can't do something with your own face. :/
from lyyn :
lizzie, just want you to know that i'm here and reading. i've been thinking about you. i don't know how to say this in a way that isn't totally lame so. i think you're so cool, amazing, and beautiful and I know that you miss that about yourself--overlook it. and i get that--all the complicated reasons--but really you are. and i don't feel that way about many people. oh shit. i hope that you take that as a compliment! xo
from jumblygiant :
those family obligations throw me for a loop too. especially something that stretches out for so long like a wedding. my thoughts: get in and get out. don't sacrifice your happiness for theirs. I'm 33 and I still want to move away so I can flounder around on my own without the immediate pressure of my family, etc. I think about it all the time.
from vla :
ugh, weddings are the worst. seriously. when is that going to be over already?? I understand the annoying pressure from family to be doing something that you're not doing, but you're doing exactly what you should be doing... ignore them. take care of yourself. ignore them! there is no one set way to live your life. I hate that shit. xox.
from vla :
I agree with waldeck. move to la! less snow...
from vla :
I *hated* that Portia D.R. book--read it on a plane when it first came out. it was so god awful. yeah, she's totally cured because she married a bazillionaire with horses. :/ ugh. anyway, that dream imagery is intense. you deserve to be angry about all of it. and deserve to feel it.
from vla :
i had a horrible night last night too. i feel you. and I use sleep medication to check out as well... although, i switched to lunesta and it kind of helps because it's a lot less 'fun'. it kind of just makes you tired or doesn't. it really doesn't give you the black hole feeling. per usual, related to everything in your post. have so been there. with everything you wrote. xo.
from jumblygiant :
I understand the just passing the days and fighting myself on so many levels so so much. I just want to live with myself in peace, if that even exists. That has been my problem this entire past year: what the fuck is this life? is there a point somewhere? a peace? a fucking something? love ya.
from vla :
i wish you were here. or something. ugh, when i read these entries--i feel it so much,i know i always say that, but it's just weird. i feel like such a mess right now. i wish i could say at 34 it gets better or something, but i'm a mess. no helpful words! just hi. and i'm here. hellooo. :)
from vla :
I just added a whole horrible thanksgiving update, & then I read my GB entries and your comment brought tears to my eyes. Your support is so valuable to me and reading your entries is so helpful to me. I really value our little DL bond, girl. xxoxox.
from vla :
i was thinking about what you said today while i was laying on the table getting stuck with needles. i think i am living in the past a fair amount too. and i don't know if it's to resolve those feelings or because i am hiding from reality, really. i just know i so seriously fucked things up in my past. who are those people who don't regret anything? i cannot imagine. and about the message. it's weird that he still leaves you messages. he should totally go be a dad already and obviously he is conflicted and still thinking about you too--ke did the same thing-ish but to a lesser degree when he was first husbanded and dad'd up. kind of not fair... to you? and when you say getting off everything, do you also mean the sleeping pills, like everything-everything? just curious. i think about that sometime and i guess i will have to do it at some point, like when i get preg or try to. at this point it seems hard and far away. this is a looong note.
from vla :
I wanna know what that message said, but in the end it doesn't matter. What matters is that you still feel what you wrote about him last night... That makes it difficult to move on. But sometimes it's more comfortable to live in the past so you don't have to move forward...? I think I do that/am doing that.
from vla :
for what it's worth, none of this sounds fucked up to me and pre-r, i ended up bruised a lot too. r & i don't do it like that though. i dunno. it's not like that with him. Actually, it's never been like that with any *boyfriends* for me. Just with guys I fuck. i totally understand and think that while it's definitely 'about stuff' it is also ok. and can be fine and safe, as long as it's with someone fine/safe. it is walking a weird line when you pick someone up randomly, though. this isn't me judging--just musing because i did it too. and honestly, i miss sex like that. because i can't get it with someone i am too emotionally connected with, doing the day-to-day routine with. like, I can't come home, fix dinner, have rough sex. :/ Anyway, I have to think more about this... it continues to be weird how much I connect to the things that you write. It's almost like I could be reading my own diary from a sideways world. odd. and nice. less aloneish feeling.
from vla :
you are the youngest too, right? the best thing i EVER DID was get the fuck out of my family's part of the country. just go go go. went and got my OWN life. and now I am not there as much to listen to them complain about their husbands and nap times, etc. I so related to this entry... I have been in your position a lot too. 'they" wanted me to stay for their reasons and did not see that I needed to go for me. and also. ugh to sisters sometimes. :/
from vla :
Password pretty please.
from vla :
not that I didn't get the other part of that entry, but ... you broke your foot?
from vla :
ugh, god. what did you say when he invited you?
from vla :
aw, no no no. it doesn't make you a loser. I have just always liked *the other one* more. which is worse for me, unfortunately.
from vla :
so happy for you. :)
from jumblygiant :
agree wholeheartedly with V. Fuck that lady. Also, no to the # of people in so many years. I've been there. Exactly there. It's awful and be reassured they are just testing for everything to be sure. Not because it's likely. I'm sure that lady sees a ton of stuff. How she could not be understanding and at least a little comforting is beyond me. hugs. for real.
from vla :
god damn it, i want to punch that bitch in the face for you. that is HORRIBLE. she had no right to judge your sex life, and of course that is not too many partners. but even if you had had 100x that many, she is a doctor. it is not her place to judge, you're there to get medical treatment! i don't know if you remember, but i went through a similar health scare and I was so thankful that my doctor was cool and understood what it meant to be a normal, sexually active woman. anyway, i am sorry you had to go through that. just get this checked out & taken care of. also, when I was freaking about the weird pap results, and all that, it also coincided with me doing some serious grooming and then freaking. I later read something from a gyno who said that the trend of woman waxing/shaving has resulted in a rise in std related freakouts because of in-grown hairs, etc. so... it could be nothing more than skin weirdness. anyway. I know how scary this stuff is. i hate it and hate waiting too. but don't take on that crazy ladies misplaced shame. love u.
from vla :
hey. so happy to see you in red. miss ya.
from vla :
sometimes cvs knows best. just don't use walgreens. they do not.
from vla :
you're human. we all do regretful things. does not make you in any way dirty or bad. you are loveable, beautiful, smart. I remember that place where I did too many drugs and such and fucked too much and beat myself up too much, and you know what? I learned from all of it. If you want it to change, you will change. but my guess is you've got stuff to learn from the place you are in right now. In the meantime, don't kick yourself while you're down/hungover, you know? I hope this does not come across annoyingly preachy. I love ya, girl.
from vla :
thank you so much for that note, that was so nice of you to say. I love you so much, girl. like, you're my DL heart.
from vla :
i'm sorry you're sad. so weird about drew. my thought? he's feeling mixed and confused about you two too, and that is why he reacted like he did. and he probably had his own notion of what would happen when he was visiting and was not prepared for you to be so upfront about discussing it. there's NO WAY someone would talk to you day after day after DAY and plan to visit you and then be like: "OMG, WHAT??? you thought maybe I *liked* you? you're sooo crazy!" it sounds like either the conversation got lost in translation, as so many of serious-ish conversations early on in relationship do, or he just had a total lame-ass melt down (probably the second one). but for real, lizzie, do not for a second think this is your fault or that you read the signs wrong! no guy does what he did with a girl and is not romantically interested in her! but that still doesn't mean he couldn't be flaky and weird, you know? anyway. don't leave the country over boy drama. they are not worth it. and and. you're so awesome, lizzie. just know that at all times. carry that around with you because that is key. you are just the shit.
from vla :
I have been sleeping like shit too. it's the worst. I liked having long distance b/fs too. it's sorta nice... until it's not anymore. until you want more, i guess. also, not to be hrash but J was kind of a dick to you sometimes and maybe that is why things did not work out. maybe don't blame yourself? maybe you are more ready than you think and he was just not the right person? I know I am just getting bits and pieces from this perspective, but you are really hard on yourself. you don't give yourself enough credit. and i think that there are guys out there that are willing to work with you through the needing a lot of space stuff--willing to give you that space. also, you are more than ok. and it *is* going to be ok. promise.
from vla :
i'm choosy too. it's difficult not being an idiot isn't it? ;) i'm also having $$ issues. STILL. STIIL! when will this end? seriously. about moving: would you move to chicago? i'd assume there would be more opportunities there... and it's a pretty good city, as far as cities go. and livable. ignore the fact that I hated it my last year or so. that was about me, not about chicago! anyway. hi.
from vla :
ugh, what an immature asshole. that kinda shit is the worst... and hard not to fall right back into. it's only natural to get sucked into. don't feel bad. just "do you" (ha) and ignore it today. xoxo.
from vla :
ugh, i miss fall! and ... I don't know why drew would be doing this with you if he was gay. but i mean, maaaaybe his ex his gay, but there are other reasons that they could be still living together. it's something i'd certainly be curious about and want to address too, though. anyway, hi. it makes me feel better that you're reading my entries, when i write the hard ones.
from vla :
that picture is amazing!
from vla :
thank u for reading that whole entry. I feel like you are my diaryland sister. I always know you will get it and I don't feel that way with many people. um. at all. xoxo.
from vla :
i've been so sad the last few days, weeks, something. i am lonely here. i get that loooonely thing. even *with* someone i feel it. anyway, hi. funny about the l.a. boy and not knowing who it is! love to u.
from vla :
that's a really shitty thing to say. sorry you had to deal with that. and pitchfork! aw. I love to think of you in my old hometown. :) move there!
from jumblygiant :
love that pic so so much. xo to you.
from vla :
HOT on all fronts! ;)
from jumblygiant :
aw, good for J and you. and women. I don't know - we're all so damn critical of each other. other than Jen, my girls have always fell by the wayside at one point or another. it's like you trust one other with the world one day and the next day, it's broken. hope you're somewhere watching this storm (inside though!). xo.
from jumblygiant :
J did not break you. Though he definitely changed you. I think it's just that you haven't met anyone worth really caring about. I was talking to Jen about that last night - about how she and I both get involved with guys we don't really give a fuck about from the beginning. Any random thing can make us turn off for them. Emotionally disconnected. Still super sorry to hear about you and JOsh being over. and the accident! glad you're okay.
from vla :
hey. i am so glad you're ok. car accidents are scary. so, yeah. glad you are ok! and, i feel that i am always partly numb to the emotion of relationships... or feeling it in retrospect more intensely. i worry about this with r, like i am not feeling it enough, but i know i would struggle with this stuff with anyone, you know? because not feeling keeps me safe. anyway.
from vla :
my guess is that he said "take you as a whatever" and other such things because, in part, you sort of have given him the vibe that you want it that way? perhaps that is why? he senses your own commitment issues? I think you should lay it all out to him. talk about it, as difficult as it is.
from jumblygiant :
aw girl. you guys have been friends long enough that he should be able to have that conversation, or any other, with you. he has to know you need that honesty, and deserve that. sounds like he's taking the shitty easy way out, letting you do the hard work and not offering you even a hint of how he feels about you and where you stand. not fair to you.
from jumblygiant :
as a whatever! dick. I'm wishing horrible things on him for that. diarrhea, etc.
from vla :
hmm. those are some mixed signals. what exactly did he say re: japan? was it just like daydreaming type talk or for real? cause it seems like you guys have been doing real relationship work... but anyway, i don't blame you for feeling the mixed signals thing. and an la boy! maybe you should go totally fucking crazy and move here for him. um ha. absolutely NO ulterior motives. :)
from vla :
if he's trying to communicate with you about sex and you're meeting his parents: he's INTO YOU. just sayin'. ;)
from vla :
I wish we could talk about this. mainly because, well, for selfish reasons, because omg, i am so lonely right now! ha. but also cause I care about you and feel like I have ttl been in this same situation before and it's annoying. but anyway. he should be honest with you, yes. and I tend to agree with the 80-something psychiatrist. it's what's between you that matters... and cutting and running seems impossible at this point anyway.
from jumblygiant :
V's right. You have to say it and see his face. Disappointing either way (if he fucked it up or if she's fucking with you) because there was hope involved. It seems weird to me that she'd casually mention the fact that they're trying to repair things. be kind to yourself though, okay? no matter what the result.
from vla :
but were they really trying to work out their relationship? or did she lie? cause seriously, people have lied to me about boys I have dated in attempts to fuck things up for us--even lied to me about rob who is truly the most trustworthy person I have ever met. so... yeah. did he lie to you for sure? or is she playing games?
from vla :
whoa, wtf??? that is so, so weird! obviously she could be trying to fuck with him by trying to fuck with you... I would just tell him everything and see what he says. (and see what his face does.) non-verbal says it all.
from vla :
I loved loved loved this sentiment: "obviously that's insanely intense..but at this point i dont even care." I wholeheartedly encourage that kind of thinking. even if it's maybe not *wise*. xo.
from vla :
february is always the worst month. but it will stop snowing.
from vla :
I'm so sorry to hear about the fellowship. but here is a thought, maybe the reason for that was to get you thinking about moving? I mean, you can always still move... I guess just trying to spin it positive, which is maybe annoying. but i love austin. ;) or how about san fran? hee. cali is great. call us insane but we're kind of tossing around the idea of moving there next! anyway. sorry about the fellowship. i owe u an update too. love to you & thanks for the email.
from jumblygiant :
shit L. So sorry to hear that on both counts.
from vla :
aw. congrats on the baby boy! I love being an aunt too.
from vla :
me. too.
from vla :
*sigh* I kind of feel you on the sex stuff. that nicely articulated how I have been feeling too lately. sucks.
from vla :
I am doing it again because you can do it up to 40 days and i only did 10 last time. i felt like i had more to do, i guess. and maybe about the depression. not sure. but i do know i am not going on any more meds, so i kinda feel like these feelings are mine. for better or worse. are the anti-ds helping? also, UPDATE. ;)
from vla :
it's good to let them go. i learned that with ke. i mean, i learn it. am learning it. but it *is* ok, it really is. like, you cannot have them all. time marches on. and your man is out there. i wish you could cherish this alone time because, i guess, i didn't fully. and then when you're partnered up, there is *still* emptiness because it was never all sorted in that in between time. so. yeah. take advantage of it while you have it. but i hate my old advice giving self these days. lizzie. i feel so ooooollllld these days. like, old as dirt. like i have aged 10 years in the span of a year. :/ also, what meds? i need the know about that so please write about it. i am in the process of going off the topamax because i felt it was doing nothing in temrs of helping with the e/d and does not help with depression or anything anyway. oh and it makes your hair fall out. lovely! so. yes. please give me the update on your meds expereince because i am still thinking about trying an anti-d. just not doing it so far because of the side effects. also. i miss you.
from jumblygiant :
xo.
from jumblygiant :
damn girl, I love ya. relate so well to those words right now. i'm floating around (or swimming furiously, depending) in the same type of circle too.
from vla :
gah. what guy lies about his age? retardo. and it is a life-long struggle, i think. figuring all this stuff out. doncha think? cause at almost 32 I know I am still so totally in it, still so much trying to figure stuff out. that said, I am going forward, not backward, always. (mostly.) so that is something. there is no choice really, I mean, we have to just keep going, learning, figuring it out. Also, there are normal guys out there, but then you'll complain they're a lil too boring. haha.
from vla :
aw, thanks so much for that note. i appreciate it. and i understand when you don't write for a while or don't comment... I know I go through stages of that with DL too. But I need you too! I always appreciate your feedback & comments. Alllwaays. You always have something for me, trust me. you're more insightful than you know. by the way, right now I am watching Rock of Love Charm School. These women? not insightful. not even entertaining! anyway. do you still have my email? email me wheneva.
from vla :
just wanted to say that I am glad you've written recently. that's all.
from vla :
hey. please write more. i ain't too proud to beg. so happy to see your update. i miss you. need your words. xxo.
from vla :
thought about you today, driving through the final lap of nebraska, night swimming came on, and of course I thought of you. i've been missing you. i'm glad you updated, glad you had a bit of closure with j. i know that long, long closure. moving from chicago, i still feel that chapter with ke closing. weird how long that shit takes, even when your heart has moved on. so yeah. hi. xo.
from vla :
thanks so much for that! can't stop/won't stop writing. ever. I'll be here when I'm 90 if DL will have me... I'm glad you're moving. I'm glad I'm moving! and I will always have my Chicago heart. I'm stuck with it. :/
from jumblygiant :
crap. i recently watched Lars and the Real Girl and drank a bottle of wine. gah.
from vla :
I can feel that sadness all the way over here. I wish I could hold a little bit of it for you, to make it a little easier. (i'll trade for you for some of my anxiety. ha.)
from vla :
omg, fuck. drugs are scary... I just don't think I can do it? I don't know... I know my brain is partially screwed up as is, but it's just SO SCARY to randomly add more chemicals to it and just sort of wait and see if it helps. gah. hate it all. I just want to talk myself into mental health now, like, the alternative is just too difficult. haha.
from vla :
thank you so much for that note, lizzie. you always make me feel so much more sane, just by the fact that there is someone else who gets it so well. also, I finished Madness in like 2 days. it was so so good. I wish she had 100 books. anyway. hi. I miss you. write more. I know I should be, too.
from vla :
i'm so sorry, sweetie.
from jumblygiant :
sweetie, a DL note is not enough, but I am so sorry to hear about your grandma. My own is the same way - tiny and fierce and always just around the corner. will be thinking of you...
from vla :
you will do it. i thought that too... and i do suck at it sometimes. i really do. i think i have to work at it more than most people? but i am learning. i wish i'd done more of the alone time in my life learning to take better care of myself. :/
from vla :
i love dr drew. it's ok. we can share.
from vla :
I'm finally reading Marya Hornbacher's The Center of Winter. It's so good. Making me thinking of you. I miss you.
from jumblygiant :
girl. call me. no lonely summer.
from vla :
email me your password b/c I am retarded. thanks!
from vla :
your name in red! I've been missing you so much. also, taking it slow doesn't necessarily mean not ready for a relationship. it could just mean needs to take it slow. so now I am curious about this situation so you have to UPDATE MORE. that is an order! :)
from jumblygiant :
dollface. I was looking at some fancy resort in arizona today and was thinking about scurrying away there for a weekend and just sitting in the warmth. and i really truly thought, lizzie. we could just go and sit and that's it. don't you love how we've had coffee together once and now I'm making you go across the country? haha. just a dream. feel the need to get the hell out of here. anyhow. hi. thinking of you. xo.
from vla :
love u.
from vla :
you know I am struggling with this stuff too... I think maybe the best way to start (god this is going to be cheesy to prepare yourself) is to begin with loving yourself. like, fucking looking for it from the outside or trying to give it to other people. really truly try to give it to yourself. practice with that... I mean, that does not start over night, obvs. it take practice and is probably life long work itself... but I think that alone can be a good step and can help with other kinds of love, can help teach about boundaries with loving people--like I am not going to love this fucking idiot asshole because it is *not* helpful to loving myself, you know? anyway. rambling thoughts for you on this monday, my love. kiss kiss.
from vla :
missssss u
from vla :
I hear you, lizzie. i don't know what the answer is. i am still struggling with this stuff. i am sorry about your cousin... i don't know what to do with all this pain either and I head for the same escape routes as you. wow, talk about an unhelpful note! i just wanted to say I was here and am thinking of you.
from vla :
I miss you.
from vla :
celebrity rehab commercial break. is "The Center of Winter" good? I've been meaning to read it. lemme know.
from vla :
aw, that made me smile kinda. about my last note. and yeah, there is no shame in hook ups, certainly. just stay with yourself through it. be there. I just love you, girl. I hope you can see the huge, wise spirit you have. trust that even when it seems hard. seriously. trust your strength. xxo.
from vla :
well, I am a lot older than you, and I still talk about my Ps in therapy. and I bet I will be dealing with stuff about my parents in some manner till the day I die. It's FUNdamental! ha. seriously though, it's not so much about placing blame, I don't think, but about making connections. This stuff? It comes from somewhere. And it is helpful to untangle it and sort it out to make some sense of it. That does not mean you don't take responsiblity for what you're doing in your life as an adult, however. you know? But I still think it can be helpful to look how the past has shaped where we are now. anyway. I've missed you. xxo.
from vla :
All the lessons I am learning right now are about consequences, which is what you were suppose to learn at like what, 5? but seriously. all the boys and the Ds and drinking and e/ds... everything. there is a price to pay. a BIG price. so if there is any way to do it a bit more healthy, more gentle... do it now. cause, man, I am realizing that it is ultimately easier. and it feels better too. it was scary to get going down that path, but yeah. take those vitamins, girl. go to therapy. meditate. eat that soup. love yourself. it all helps. :)
from vla :
I was just thinking about you this morning on the way into work!! Thinking that I needed to send you a note & to tell you to update! I was missing you. And here you are with an update. yay. So, I think you would love living here. WP is a great neighborhood. there is always a lot going on, good bands to see, places to eat, etc. And what you were saying about friends did not sounds snobby at all. But it does sound like you need to move. (here!) We could get a drink and be like, whoa.
from vla :
omgz! I would have flipped out if I saw you in my hood. Weird, I bet I might have recognized you? Where did you go out? I am so curious about this. hee. And wow. what a lame ass guy, btw.
from vla :
don't hold yourself back from the good things. what would be so terrible about letting go into this? that you might lose, I know. but it's a lonely way to live--scared of hurt. reading this I wanted to tell you: jump in! both feet!!
from vla :
you always have a place here. seriously. but i know this city might be weird for you because of j. but yeah. seriously, my couch is yours. ;)
from vla :
o, girl, you know i get this all the way. I don't know... I just know the thought of leaving it all the way still scares the shit out of me. and so so so tied to anxiety. sigh.
from jumblygiant :
cheers to searching and admitting truths for ourselves. not always pretty, but sometimes helpful. xo.
from vla :
I totally related to this. Such a similar struggle for me. sometimes I catch myself at my lowest moments thinking, how could ANYONE see this part of me and still love and accept me? those moments are horrible, horrifying. and I think anyone who saw that (saw the REAL me) would be disgusted. I think e/ds in particular are so caught in that shame and self hate. ... I think the way to untangle it is bit by bit. Cop to things slowly, admit your not ok to people who feel safest. it is SO hard. I am beginning to do that more with my sister, my mom, r. friends. even just admitting a bad day and being vulnerable. THAT's hard. but it's about being more real, closer to people. it opens you up; it truly does. we share secrets here, and I think that's where these tight bonds form. it's good practice... it's scary doing it in real life, I know. but it can be worth it. and to let people care for you, take care OF you. we need that sometimes! I have been thinking about these secrets lately too. and what service they provide me. they keep me safe, but lonely, closed off, depressed. that safety will only take oneso far. it's boring and sad. I think it's worth it to risk more, ask for more, question those boundaries more. but it does not happen all at once, I think. baby steps. :)
from jumblygiant :
as always, love to you. if you ever need a quiet place to crash/hideout, I have a spare bedroom. and, as of today, cable and internet too. and a deck for contemplation.
from vla :
so lucky to have you. (read you?) you know... it's so very awesome. loves.
from jumblygiant :
aw doll. yes, please do take care. rooting for you, as always. xo.
from vla :
update for reals soon. love love.
from vla :
coping. yes. that is one way to cope. and i am thinking more and more lately, it's just *one* way. there are others. ... ones that don't make me feel like such shit. but still. it is kind of helpful to take all the demonizing out of it, and see it for what it is: one choice. one way to deal. ok. here is something else: you can't do *all* of it right. you're gonna sruggle through, but it doesn't mean you have to cut and run. no one does any sort of relationship of importance perfectly. i think what matters is that you keep trying, keep thinking about this stuff. keep pushing yourself. trying at least, to do things in a different way. you know? recognize the old patterns, the old hurts that make you shut off... and just try to flip it. do something new. like, reach out when you'd usually shut down. shit. that said! god knows i choose the old coping mechs a lot still. and that i shut people out a lot at the times when i really need people. but i am trying to just see it for what it is. and tryyying. keep on keeping that heart open, lovely. (and ha! this is looooong. i am so annoying.)
from jumblygiant :
so good to read that. also, it is always too soon for everything. don't let that hold you back. yay for whirlwind romance and wine and cheese and midday drunkenness and themed hotels and good sex. so happy to hear it. xo.
from vla :
holy shit, girl.
from vla :
that *was* helpful. I can't run from it, the sad feelings... but I also can't let it rule my life? I like that idea that it can just exist in one spot inside me... just sorta hanging out there, while I go on about my life, doing things that make me feel better, or occupied or happy... I talked to him last night about it too, and he said: I am sad. I am going to miss you... but it's a 'good sad.' and it's true... it's kind of a good sad because I feel lucky to feel like this. lucky to have someone to miss like this. weird? anyway. love love you.
from vla :
aw, sweetie. i know, i know, i know. i think it gets better in stops and starts, bits, pieces. sometimes i feel totally over heartache with ke and then sometimes, still, i cry over something new. or, rather, something so fucking old. ... anyway. also weird: j is going to be living in my neighborhood.
from vla :
shit. do i even need to say that I totally related to this entry? when people want too much from me, I shut down and I am cold too. I have so had that "i want to bolt" feeling... you do not have to take care of M. In fact, it will probably be better for her in the long run if you're clear with your own boundries in that relationship. gah, that stuff makes my skin crawl too. and and: I like that the boy is so solid with you. and I love that he gives advice when asked. loooove that. he sounds good.
from vla :
not stupid. just scary. you don't have to do/decide anything. you're just going to la to see a boy. ;)
from jumblygiant :
I am incredibly jealous, so there is definitely no room for judgment here. I am certainly not thinking mistake either! I think that's kickass. I would do it in a second. It's not like you're going there to get hitched or join a cult. You're going to enjoy yourself and do something that is amazing and with a boy you like no less. let yourself enjoy it is all I have to say. don't make it anything more than what you feel it should be at that moment and have a wonderful time with the ocean breeze in your hair and the boy by your side. awww. so excited for you.
from vla :
aw girl. i love you.
from jumblygiant :
glad to hear you had a good time at home. don't be too hard on yourself while you're figuring shit out. okay? xo.
from jumblygiant :
god, i feel every word of that entry. totally in the same place. i'm just keeping up appearances at this point too. crumbling inside and at home. sick of it. but keeping fingers crossed for you. and if you need some company when you're home to keep you out of trouble and want to sit and eat popsicles and hate everything, let me know. xoxo.
from jumblygiant :
i love your "doings." i feel the same way. no one ever wants all of me. even if they did, i know i wouldn't give it. I wish you didn't have to deal with him coming to visit. It's annoying me, for you, and he isn't even there yet. the intrusion - ugh. regardless of him, i hope you find a balance for yourself while you're there. hope you find the something that'll make it comfortable in/for yourself. I know you'll find it. and thank you for being honest, it makes me be more honest when i write. xoxo, truly.
from jumblygiant :
oh L. thinking of you.
from jumblygiant :
what a dumbfuck D is. you shouldn't feel bad at all, but that won't change how you feel. do you want me to egg his car or something? xoxo.
from jumblygiant :
it feels awkward to say it, but god i love you. you say things that i can't put into words. you are honest and brutal and beautiful. i just wrote a stupid entry, but i feel like i need to stay up and rewrite it because it was so superficial and weak and...i don't know. when you stop writing somewhere i can peek into, i will be very sad. truly hope you have a good week down south, very very south. xo.
from jumblygiant :
aw girl. did i tell you how glad i am that you're writing. for some reason i thought you'd be living under a giant leaf in the rain forest and we'd never hear from ya. but i had an idea. you know how a lot of self help books are kind of bullshit? well, we should write one about "finding yourself" during your 20s or some crap like that. People who have no idea what they are doing write books like that all the time. hee. I felt the same way when I watched Last Kiss. have a good weekend.
from jumblygiant :
also, that note brought to you by a giant jug of wine and a feeling of "this is sooo not my life." xoxo.
from jumblygiant :
girl, i think once you figure out where you want to go grad school wise, you'll figure out a way to get in. doll, follow your heart now, not common sense. i WISH so badly that I had done what you were doing as opposed to settling for a crappy job and paying my bills and living this life. you CAN do whatever you want. i swear.
from vla :
hiiiii, tuesday. i relate to everything u write. even tho like, hi. beach. me not so much beach.
from vla :
omg. MYSPACE DRAMA. hee. good lord. thanks for your note.
from vla :
crap. I relate to you so much, it's weird. i am a "bad catch" too, girl. I don't cook. i have f'ed up body issues. I drink too much. I am closed of, not affectionate. don't trust people. not good with emotions, crying, kids, patience. I am a picky bitch about fucking everything... I dunno. so fucking what though. that is who we are. ... and i think you will fall in love someday with someone just as complicated and they will love you for who you are & you for them. right? right. I mean, that's the hopeful part of me speaking. also? don't hate me for saying this, but you are young, babes! give yourself some time to be ok not wanting to be with anyone. I kinda wish I had taken that time... and not forced myself through endless longterm, unhappy relationships in my 20s. god, I am fucking reflecting on my 20s right now? ok. shoot me. ha. but really. I think it is ok to be where you are. just maybe allow it to be? just accept this place & roll with it? luv. xxo. let's face. im a really shitty catch.
from vla :
how much WORD to this entire entry. I relate 100% to everything you're saying here and am currently contemplating the very same things... this shit is not getting any easier for me & has also been a lifelong battle. and, dude, even when I was in commited relationships? like LIVING with ke. same shit. and think I used my e/d as a way to cope/escape. and now what? now I am just trying to avoid getting too involved... god. I FEEL you. Like I want to lure them in and then I kinda freak. Like. wait. you actually like me? now I am ttl not interested. I guess my only advice would be to acknowledge it & try to push it a little. I have to say though, he was not someone you ever seemed super into? ?? so. I mean, it makes sense to me that you were hanging out with him b/4 you left b/c you were bored and loney and FREAKED out about leaving. ... he was kinda a space holder for you. AND of course you'd still talk/email with him while in M because, dude. you're probably a little out of sorts and lonely sometimes & he provides comfort, etc. Still though. that does not mean you wanted him to come there. And i think he should he DEFINATELY cleared it with you. do not bend you're needs for him just because you feel bad. you really don't have to do that. he's being kinda weird. so. that's my advice. hee.
from jumblygiant :
that's crazy. you can always tell him to cancel. he can use the credit for his flight to bother some other girl some other day. it's your choice too doll. also, so happy that things are going better. love the photos, especially the lizzie sleeps in a hammock black and white. have a good week!
from vla :
um. dude. wtf??????????? i cannot believe that. nottttt ok. kinda rude? like he thinks something more is going on with u guys than actually is?
from vla :
happy birthday!!!
from vla :
girl! hold on!! it will get better!!! has to. love.
from vla :
love to you. across. god. how many miles. truly, girl. love you. ... it helps knowing that you are there. you know? that you know. that you get it, I guess. sometimes this place feels like the only thing keeping me somewhat together. still. after allll these years. how weird. anyway. luv.
from vla :
I think that was well put & nice... and what does he expect? WTF do these boys fucking expect.
from jumblygiant :
love you! do your work. thinking of you. hoping all is going well. i think i might get skype for my computer at work (for a work thing), so hey! guess who might stalk you if i get it! or just say hi occasionally as i tend to do.
from vla :
omg! love you!!
from vla :
you're totally right. and: UPDATE! :)
from vla :
giiiiiiirl! excited for you. you're amazing the shit out of me right now. my hero. hee.
from vla :
ok. thank god!!
from vla :
god, girl! 14 days. I have been afraid to ask, but i have to ask. ... will you be able to write? god. I feel so lame. like, i have been afraid to ask you that. ok. you know why. cause if you can't write, i'm gonna miss you, sista. and i didn't want to make you sad, but that's me asking. love. you.
from sosuga :
Oh my god, your st pattys day was my st pattys day in 04. I couldve written this myself. And thank you for introducing me to andreas. Awesome stuff. :)
from vla :
thank god someone is. I was afraid to look at my notes and see ... advice. like, lay off the ds, girl. like I KNOW. i mean, good advice but I KNOW. so. sosoooo good to read someone just say: I hear you and I get it. thanks, girl.
from vla :
yes, it will be ok. you will be more than ok. I am so excited for this next adventure for you... so amazing. and, yes, inhale/exhale. working on it.
from vla :
god, girl. you are SO brave. no matter that this stuff creeps back in. you. are. so. brave. love you.
from vla :
ha. seperated at birth?
from vla :
I know you're right. that's the struggle though, isn't it? to live right here, right now? And not be so caught in the past or what is to come...? It is *so* fucking hard. You're a wise one, sweetie.
from vla :
word
from vla :
I agree with jumbly. she is ttl peeing on her property. regardless of what that note suposedly says, she is 'subtly' reminding you that he belongs to her. so weird. I dont think you even have to respond, but it might be best just to write back something simple/sort, like, I've liked getting to know you too! I hope we can hang out more soon. or something equally nice & vague.
from jumblygiant :
I think that's some weird passive aggressive shit. I'd keep the response brief. Just say thanks and that you appreciate his friendship too. maybe that you hope you can hang out again before you leave. i wouldn't worry too much about it. don't give it that power. xoxo.
from vla :
spinning is certainly fast, hard & burning! will probably work!! and ALL my friends have b.f.s too, but I guess it makes more sense at my age... gah, I know the feelings though.
from vla :
watching that e/d thing right now... crazy.
from vla :
so happy you're doing such better things with your time/energy. and, yes, that book was so, so triggering to me, too. I saw an ad for that special... was really curious about it too. she kinda bugs. my sister saw her speak when she was on the whole college speaking circuit. but then heard she had a major relapse after that. ?? She has a novel out too, I guess. Anyway. I totally agree, women with so much focus, drive, determination could do so much more. That is almost a scary thing because I think sometimes women are told/asked to be so little in this life--in terms of both accomplishments & size, right? so be fucking big. be giant. be huge! seize it all, my dear. so excited for you & this next step. and thank you for your note to me & challenging me a bit with the trust stuff. love you, sweetie.
from vla :
you totally need to tell him how you're feeling. he has got to know this shit ain't ok! I mean, he's kinda having both of you right now. which is not ok. It's hurting you. and not very fair to her either.
from hangover :
Yes, I remember you from that little while ago. That song is a Talking Heads song. http://www.paradise-engineering.com/quotation/heaven.html I love that song
from jumblygiant :
hi girly. I'm so glad you had a good weekend. you deserve it! It took me a really long time to let go of one of my ex's. I knew he wasn't the one too, but there was still that tug. But, it'll ease up with time. It will. If it's nice this week (not raining and/or cold) you are welcome to sit on my balcony and drink some wine and watch traffic! take care.
from vla :
seriously. why's it got to *always* be about the body? I so hear you... it is not for there judgement, so felt that: stop looking at me feeling and have just gone along with it too, said: o, thanks! or, no, haven't lost weight, just happy, ha-ha-ha, when I am dying inside... anyway. sorry about last night. and thanks for your note.
from vla :
gah, wtf. why do people have to say shit like that?
from vla :
you write beautifully in these moments too.
from vla :
I feel like we are practically the same girl in this entry... seperated by some years. some miles. I had to watch kevin hit on various girls alllll last night, so watching old loves move on, yeah, I get that. for me it is good though, helps really make it done done done. but for you I know stuff is still unresolved... But I HEAR U on feeling more brave in a party dress. I always feel a little better a little more dressed up. You will look super hot that night. Also, my sister has the perfect house, husband, kid... A thriving life. It has *many* issues, though. keep that in mind... all lives do. But still, here in my dirtyalley I wonder if I will ever have such a life. I am going to send u a message on MS.
from jumblygiant :
holy crap. seriously. sorry you have to deal with the aftermath.
from vla :
craaaaaaaazy!
from vla :
YAY! good for you. i got some last night too. :)
from vla :
glad you updated. I miss you. hope you start to feel better soon...? life goes in waves like this sometimes, I guess. Take care, sweetie. write me?
from vla :
miss you too!
from jumblygiant :
hope all is well doll.
from vla :
thanks for your note. it's just good to have someone understand, you know? just that helps a lot. as that shit was going down last night I was thinking: o, the DL girls are going to fucking *love* this one! hee.
from vla :
you know, what you experienced with jon is/was real. that love was real. what he says now does not make that disapear... it is probably his way of compartmentalizing it, making sense of it for himself.... his way of moving on. like, it didn't work, you guys aren't together any more so it had to *never* really be working, you know? you and i know it doesn't work like that. there are moments of true love in the midst of doomed relationships... but i don't think jon gets that, obviously not... it's part of his method of getting over you, lizzie. do not take it personally. i think this is the hard part of staying close with someone when you're still going through the process of breaking up with them, though. also? he's an asshole for saying that to you. d.i.c.k. and Brian. jesus. that is just awful. *he's* psycho, obviously. i feel baaad for his g.friend too.
from jumblygiant :
oh doll..
from vla :
What happened? cannot leave an entry like that! now I am so curious...
from vla :
i think that's... kinda cool? i mean, it's certainly a rocky way to start a relationship, but. yeah. just see what happens! And i don't think you should feel anything bad towards him because of what happened...
from vla :
aw, girl, he's not gonna save you. save yourself! it's the only way... he's a distraction... i get it though. sometimes you need distractions. but be honest with yourself about what it is. gah. was the just waaaaaaaaaaaaay too harsh? sorry if it was. I just... I don't know. I hope that didn't come across awful. and I get the b/p thing, of course. just look at it as a sign that you need something... that your looking for comfort, solace. you know?
from vla :
ooo yeah, do the class! and the new place sounds great.
from vla :
oo, yes. i know those feelings too. you're not alone. take care of yourself though. i am feeling that urge to slip back somewhere too. i don't know. just. take care of yourself.
from vla :
miss u. update!
from jumblygiant :
ah, sweetie. if you're around and feel like it, give me a call sunday - coffee? something? lunch? whatever, we'll catch up one of these days. take care, k?
from vla :
aw, lizzie, I can relate so much to this... I totally get why you need jon right now, first off. makes total sense. and I think as long as you're somewhat realistic about it? (as I am trying to be with my tenuous connection to kevin) then I think it's ok and might not be so awful in the long run... and at this stage in my life I am having a hard time with the casual connections/cuddling too... I was kinda ok with it at your age for a while though! so you're evolved or something. hee.
from vla :
thinking about you... just wanted to say that. and thanks for your note to me too.
from vla :
well, that's better than nothing... give him time to process this, lizzie. for real. just let it be for a while. you can't count of him for any sort of support though, keep that in mind too. you've got to get that from other people and not from him.
from vla :
I don't get it--what did he say? he thought you should have kept it? or just told him first?? DUDE. he needs to fucking get OVER HIMSELF and think for one fucking second what you've been going through. jesus, that pisses me off. i think that was a good letter, but, lizzie, you do not not not have to carry his disgust/indecision/unhappiness/whatever with this situation. you have to feel it for a bit, yes, only natural but then you get to let it go. it's HIS shit and he's trying to pin it on you. don't take it. and i also think it's kind of easy for him to say he wishes you'd done something different *now* that it's already done. kinda like a monday morning quarterback in the worst way. oy. ok. take care.
from vla :
ah, sweetie. i wish i could be there for you right now. my heart is going out to you. you don't need his approval. you did what you had to do, what you decided to do, so there it is. enough said. I think in the long run you will be glad you told him no matter what the outcome is. i think you did the right thing, the brave thing, but the hard thing. I am sure he's tripping out right now, so give him some time and some space. he might come back with a decent response... but he might not, that's true and you do have to be prepared for that. just stay strong, like you've been doing. and, lord, how bad does it suck that you have to work today! And i totally get the just wanting some one to hold you and not say anything... not say the wrong thing, maybe. I am here for ya, if you want to email. take care.
from vla :
AHHHHH! What happened??? Email me right now.
from vla :
I'm glad it's done at least and now you're on to the next step. I'm sure this is so hard though. I feel like my words fall flat. and about jon, I know what you're feeling about that for sure. and about seeing him out with the new girl. I would run too. You have to do what's best for you right now. take care & write me if you want, k?
from vla :
thank you for that note. love you, lizzie. thinking about you... headphones? seriously. remember: you are a strong woman. it's going to be ok. here for you. ok?
from vla :
I don't know what I can say to help, but I just want you to know again that I am here and that I am reading every word. That I get it as much as I can. I would be doing exactly what you're doing too... all my love to you. I am feeling lost too today.
from vla :
girl. email me. [email protected]
from vla :
i think it's ok, lizzie. shit happens. really. don't beat yourself up.
from vla :
he's such a dick. tell your sister to stop talking to him. or not tell you what he says at least. cut off contact so you can heal. it helps a little. you need total distance so he can't touch you for a while. she shouldn't be telling you what he says, i don't think. i mean, i get why she did, but at this point you need to shut it down and just keep totally away from him so you can get over this all the way, you know? take care though, lizzie. i just read that entry and felt like i could have written big chunks of it. i know it doesn't help much right now, but i so, so, so know how you feel.
from vla :
aw, lizzie, baaaad fucking week! fingers & toes crossed that everything will be cool.
from singlegirl :
I found you through Diesel and just wanted to say hello. I found comfort in reading you because we're experiencing some of the same things right now. I love your writing style - you express yourself much better than I do. While reading you, I kept thinking, "That's exactly how I feel!" And also, my name is Lizzy too - just spelled a little differently. I'm going to add you to my favorites if that's okay. I look forward to reading more. Thank you.
from vla :
Lizzie, WHAT????????????????? That is the most insane thing ever! I opened my guestbook at work, read that, and said outloud: WHAT THE FUCK? That is so very random. So maybe he IS looking for me... hee. Give him directions to chicago. tell him I'm the hung-over redhead in the purple sweatshirt.
from vla :
thank you so much for that last note. i needed that so much.
from vla :
the most irritating and true advice ever: it's going to get better. this pain will fade. I am so sorry it hurts like this now though. I know that it sucks a whole hell of a lot. I know when I hear kevin is dating someone else, I am going to come in here and freak the fuck out. It's a really hard part of the break up process made harder by the fact that you guys were holding on and he wasn't really honest with you... It's like breakup part II. Stay strong. This will, will get better.
from vla :
sorry about the hurt... that's shitty. he's not to be trusted, obviously. maybe this last break will help you move on from him fully? it sucks though. take care.
from vla :
maybe time to disconnect from him a little more? if it's hurting you this much? and: stupid myspace/friendster sites! cause so much drama in modern dating, right? AAAAaaand: Happy Birthday. :)
from vla :
not alllll the way alone because, well, you can come here and write that and get a oh hell yes from me. i hear you. the holding on past due.
from vla :
Ahhhh! reminds me of me at that age. (or perhaps I am just projecting.) I hope that's not horribly annoying of me to say. but. man, I was 23 when I met kevin. sigh, sigh. I know that feeling of not being ready to let go yet. So maybe you're just not ready. Maybe there is still something to be learned there. Don't rush for an ending that doesn't belong yet, you know? But don't prolong your misery either. You will so know when the time is right to cut and run. you will know when it feels over-over. I am so happy for you about your job! Damn! It sounds so awesome. and you're doing it for real. I am so happy for you. When do you get to moooove out??
from vla :
Oh, I would totally take someone up on a date like that right now too. yes, indeed. Also, thanks for the gb message. you're so wise. The end part kind of knocked me out.
from jumblygiant :
i've thought about a dl get together for a while. you and i could totally go up and bother valerie. but i am soooooo with you on being appreciate for the DL posse. it is so reassuring to have you guys. also, i love how i'm dating guys that are more your age and you're dating guys that are closer to my age. we should double date. hahahaha, how funny would that be? xoxo, as always.
from dieselengine :
hello hi! I just got caught up on things and wanted to say hola! And hello! And hi!
from jumblygiant :
hahahha. no, you didn't seem nervous at all. i was nervous too. started out with weird nervous hug. i had to laugh at myself. i am so glad we finally did it. i had a lovely time. really truly.
from jumblygiant :
Congratulations Lizzie!!! I'm so proud!!! Is it downtown? We could do lunch!!! Yay! Good luck tomorrow.
from vla :
YAY!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations! That is SO awesome. Can't wait to hear all about it. You're going to do great. I am so happy for you... I want details now.
from vla :
I can't believe I missed that ep of intervention. I am so bummed about that. And they never replay them during the week either. That frantic eating, hiding, cleaning cycle though... o. I totally know. Especially when you live with family, or I suppose when I lived with kevin too. Anyway, it is awful. And I know what you mean too, it's a different kind of terrible when you are so young thinking everything will be better if you can just be thin. About the touch thing, I also *totally* hear you on that. I am scheduling extra massages just to feel comforted by touch. I mean, kinda not the same, but it does help.
from vla :
oh my, thank you so very much for that note. that meant so much to me just now. aw, I'm crying like a dork, but no surprise there. your support has been so helpful, especially since I know you really, really get it. I know I should just take time with this and it will all fall into place eventually, but as I am sure you understand, I just really want to push the fast forward button sometimes. crap. I wish we could go have a drink together tonight!
from vla :
god! so related to that entry!! I remember the laaast time kevin and I broke up, he went on tour, like, two weeks later. and he used to call me on the road just to, I guess, tell me how much fucking fun he was having? what an asshole, huh? I remember one call that woke me up, he was in nyc and having a blast. just thought he check in and make me fucking miserable. what an asshole. so I feeeel you on this so much... sounds like we had sort of similarly melancholy nyes. also, loved your five truths. Number one is always good. I could go there again. I was nervous to meet the one dl girl I have met so far but it was so fun. I am trying to let go of letting judgment hold me back. But it can be hard. it's worth it though because you can get so much out of relationships with other women, I am finding. (slowly.) And three! I feel you on that too. weird how so far at least, letting go of kevin has been *good* for my e.d though. I have always been really proud of how well you've done with your recovery. And also? I also felt a HUGE sense of relief when the holidays were over! Anyway. hope you didn't mind me addressing these secrets. I just related to all of them!! (oh wait! I forgot about five! now that I live alone I get scared sometimes when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. scared of the dark too.)
from jumblygiant :
so proud of you putting up your five secrets. to be honest, i'm terrified of meeting anyone too. i'm so sure that i'd be too boring and fat and then things would be weird. i called v the other day for the first time and i was ridiculously nervous. we'll get it together someday. soon i hope! we definately have to get together because i swear to god i went through a lot of the same shit you're going through now. and remember all of this other stuff is temporary. don't let it jar you too much because two weeks, four weeks, three months from now it will all be different and you'll wish you hadn't given up so much of yourself to him/them/it. happy jan. 2nd, i'm glad it is here too. like "get on with it already." take care l.
from vla :
you'll find it. it's hard though. I hear that. I have faith though. the more open you are & truthful, I think you draw those kind of people to you in 'real life.' glad to have that kind of openness here too, for sure.
from vla :
merry late xmas, sweetie.
from vla :
good lord, yes, sweetie. i so feel like maybe i am the one with the hole in my head most of the time, if you know what i mean.
from vla :
Thank you so much for your note. I think it was totally right on too. Made me feel better, so thanks. About jon's new years, sometimes things seem better in your imagination than in actuality... in reality he'll probably wind-up drinking too much by 11 o'clock and be passed out puking on himself in the van or something.
from vla :
Aaaaah! time to move. Glad your doggie is better.
from vla :
dogs can totally get pink eye. so can cats. my cat gets it kind of a lot. you have to take them to the vet and get some drops. anyway. i think you should make him pick you up. i don't think you should let him meet your parents. have him call you when he gets there! ha!! is that bad? maybe. so what. that sounds like the most fun for you/ least stressful option to me.
from inebriated :
its impossible to ever shoot to high! always. i think there's a difference between allowing everyone to be human and allowing yourself to be hurt. or showing up to be hurt becuz you know someone is a certain way. i love and have compassion for busy, but i don't let him "in" so much becuz i know his limitations. you keep aiming high. that's my point.
from vla :
your standards are too *high*?? that seems like really weird advice. I really don't think that's the case. and I think it seems like you're just trying to find the best way to deal with jon post-break up, which often times means not talking to someone for a good chunk of time because it's too painful. I mean, you tried to hang out with him as friends and ended up seeing him making out with someone else; I really don't think it's like you're being too difficult or something. That said, it's also not like you're being weak or silly for feeling sad and missing him... that's totally normal and a natural part of getting over someone. I mean, he was a big part of your life and now he's not so much. especially now when you're feeling extra needy it's got to be hard. So I don't really know what advice to give on whether or not to be friends with him. I think you should do whatever is easiest on your heart--and not just in the moment. If that makes an sense.
from vla :
I'd freeze him out. don't even respond.
from jumblygiant :
shit, dude. In all honestly, I think taking a break from Jon until you get back to a place where you're comfortable without any support from him (which obviously includes a whole bunch of shittiness from him) is a good idea. Being friends immediately following a breakup is so difficult to deal with, especially because you're sort of stuck here at home without your usual posse of folks, including Jon, who would have rallied for you in the past. You'll get through this. And like I said, I might be mentally unstable, but I'm always around. I promise I don't talk about my weight or being crazy in person. Just on DL. xoxo.
from vla :
o, fuck him. seriously. talk about needing to rub it in your face that he's moved on! lordy. I sooooooooooooo want you to pick up on some super hot dude that next night at the show. maybe you did? that would've been the advice I would have given. somehow suck it up, put on your cutest outfit, drink some liquid courage and hit on the cutest boy there. and fucking FORGET jon. I (of course) feel you on the b/p thing. I am really impressed with your recovery though so, you know, my advice would be to not screw with that b/c once you slip back it has a tendency to spiral--as I am sure you know... anyway. I hope the second night wasn't so bad.
from jumblygiant :
oh sweetie, I totally recognize that awful feeling you have because of him. That was so incredibly selfish of him to do. I have to say though, I'm proud as hell that you're going back out again tonight. Hopefully no more hurt or drama will be a result. take care of yourself.
from vla :
how did you meet him? how did he ask you out, etc? I dated a rich 33 year-old when I was 22...so. yeah. But I lost interest and TOTALLY blew him off in a kinda harsh manner the moment a scruffy drummer/painter broke-ass boy swept me off my feet. ke! aw, I know. Anyway. I was highly suspicious too. I knew why he liked me; I was 22 and good looking. I wouldn't have ever dated him seriously, but at the time I was sorta like you: bored and curious enough to stick my toes in the pool, you know? It grossed me out on many levels, but I was curious about him and his amazing house, prada suits and suv. Life is about *all* different kinds of experiences. Just keep your eyes open. And do what feels right to you.
from jumblygiant :
i'm so sorry it's still so rough. the way I decided to look at it, for my life anyway, is that sometimes you have to go through shit to get to the good stuff, and then you'll truly appreciate it when things are more comfortable for you. and seriously, if you ever want to hang out, just call me. if you need a change of scenery. I always have a bottle of wine here. um, and liquor. and beer. you don't have to spend any money! it might be weird and i wouldn't take it personally if you never wanted to hang out again.
from vla :
I know this ain't gonna help, but I SOOOO remember that feeling. I went through it too. you WILL find a job. I went on so many sorry ass job interviews too. A lot of rejection, a lot of depressing shit. Something will click though. Maybe get a part time job in the meantime? I think it's fucked that your dad is so unsupportive. obviously. Could you go live with your aunt? Isn't she the one in cali?? just a thought.
from jumblygiant :
maybe look for a job down in Columbus and if you find the right one, then move back. what kind of job are you looking for? let me know when you're around some night if you want to get a drink or a cup of coffee or something! also, my first year out of college was awful. Leaving that bubble of people you love and who love and adore you is really difficult. I resorted to hanging out with an ex because I had no one else and it was awful, in retrospect. things will get better!
from vla :
sorry living at home sucks, sweetie. something will change for you soon. don't stop believing! Ok. how cheesy was that? sorry.
from jumblygiant :
hey you. didn't know if you'd get your email soon enough if I sent it to meltingblu at diaryland dot com, so I thought I'd try a note first. I think I am going to be "sick" from work again tomorrow. Wanted to see if you'd want to go get a cup of coffee or lunch or something. xoxo jumbly
from jumblygiant :
Hi! Notes! Yay! Also, exclamation points!!! You'll find your groove soon and you won't have to consider re-enlisting ex's.

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