DiaryLand members area

Hmm.... your diary is locked, so I have no idea whats going on with ya anymore-- that sucks. Can I have the pw? Are you even on here anymore??? I do miss you! xox

from blakkrayn :

Hey!!! I dont have net back yet, Im hoping one day soon. Anyways, how are the exams going? Congrats on the move. :) We moved ourselves back in Feb, all is well with us. Triston is 5 mo. now, can you believe it? Time flys. Summer is moving back with us now too. Yay! Got my family all back together now. Anyways, Im gonna update the 'ol diary, Im still trying to figure out why Ive got no pics-- since Im all paid up with my main domain thingy. Crap. Anyways, you should toss me an email or something... Id love to send you some pics of us. Catch up to ya soon hon! Love ya!

from pinkbowshoe :

hey :( Well, if you're leaving me here, can you join me on my space? Grouchymoto is me. if I don't hear from you, drop me a note or something...I'll miss ya. :)

from pinkbowshoe :

I've had to drive through Camden to go to concerts, and honestly I've been scared sh*tless. I coudln't imagine working there! You're brave woman. Anyhoo..I think I remember you writting that you wanted to work @ CHOP. I had an interview there last week, but it was at a DE office. I couldn't do the job b/c of my coaching, but that would've been cool.

from pinkbowshoe :

I like the new layout. And of course I already like the new date guy b/c him and KS have the same name, just spelled differently! yay!! good luck and have fun on Sex week. woohoo.

from pinkbowshoe :

No, no. Not an eagles fan. I jump on the bandwagon and cheer for them in the spirit of hometeam stuff, but I'm not a real fan of the team. HOnestly, I'm more of a player fan. What got me started liking the dolphins was Dan Marino. Loooved, loved him. And then we get Ricky Williams (I've followed him since college) and I was sooo beyond happy that he was coming to the dolphins. So...yeah. Good job Giants, kicker finally got himself together. woohoo!

from rainforme :

hahah... i hate when people tell me that! but i know, you're right, it's true. thx. :)

from blakkrayn :

Hey you.... I havent forgotten about you. Not having net sucks ass let me tell you. I hope all has been going well for you, and if not well, than at least tolerable. :) Im still pregnant, dammit! Im almost 37wks now... and hes breech. Best be switching positions soon. I miss you!! ♥

from rainforme :

thanks for the add and desc. :)

from pinkbowshoe :

*hug* you needed that. GOod job on your exams. I need to get more of what you've got. I've been procrastinating central, and I didn't do so well on a last assignment...ugh. Anyhoo...cheers up girl. I like the lyrics/poem you put up. Is that yours?

from pinkbowshoe :

what did you do to yourself?! Sounds painful.

from pinkbowshoe :

I will pray for her and along with you. *hug*

from pinkbowshoe :

hahaha! your new layout made me smile!!! thank you for that!

from pinkbowshoe :

Hey, don't get down on yourself about Mark. You're going to MED school!!!! It's not like you're just up and going away fromhim. I don't see him making changes to move, so don't think it's all on your shoulders. You're making good movesfor yourself...he should be supportive of that, not making you feel down b/c of your decision. If he wanted to make it work he'd say something like "well make it work" rather than oh you're not commited. Thats BS. I'll smack him up for that one!!

from pinkbowshoe :

Well, aren't we so similar! I have trust issues w/ KS too. Just the other night we were up till 3am arguing b/c of my lack of trust in him. And you know it has nothing to do with him or anything he's ever done to me, but my own fear of getting hurt. And he did go around behind his last g/f the one he has the kid w/ and do things so that makes me leary. It just does. I know i need to let it go but it's very hard. I know exactly hwo you're feeling, and it takes time and a lot of work. yay, you'll be near me for school! haha.

from pinkbowshoe :

I know exactly how ya feel. I'm in that same boat. Some days are better than others. Some days are full of purpose and others are just doubtful that you can make it through an hour. I don't know what to call what it is (and here my degree is in psych!) but its depression or so my therapist says. The bigger question is how to deal? I haven't figured the perfect answer for that...cause when I think I know, sometimes it doesn't work. Like say if you think a guy will make you happy, then you get him and it's like..eeh not exactly what I thought. And then you're right back to square one. I've found its mostly innner happiness. What about yourself are you fighting against? What about yourself can you not accept? Start there and work on making those thoughts more positive. Oh enough dr. meliss for now. tty soon and congrats on being an aunt!!!

from pinkbowshoe :

haha!! that's a way to let off some steam! I'm feeling the same way most days.

from blakkrayn :

Id definetly block her but before you do I would let her know that your seeing a great guy and could careless what IG is up too. Whether thats truly how you feel or not is beside the point- it will get her to shut up and keep you (hopefully) out of feeling so sad when it comes to him. I hope you and Mark enjoyed your lunch date! :) Im cheering for ya!

from blakkrayn :

Hey hun... Im glad things seem to be getting on track for you. Congrats on losing the weight and tell us more about this new fella. ;)

from blakkrayn :

I didnt even see the note you left me, sorry hun :( But yeah, I suppose your right about that-- never once thought about it that way. How is everything going with you? Ive read all your entries but sometimes I just dont know what to say. Ive been there myself with IGs and its not so easy. It is always best to just try and move on. Its gonna be rough but I know you'll do just fine in time. xox

from blakkrayn :

Aww sweetie... Im so sorry for your loss. *HUGS* My thoughts and prayers are with you through this rough and trying time. If you need anything or just someone to talk too, dont hesitate in giving me a shout. :) xoxo

from pinkbowshoe :

YAY!!! I'm glad you're feeling much better...and love, love, love the new layout. Can we go on vacation there!! Sheesh.

from blakkrayn :

Yay! Unlocked and back again. Im glad all is sort of -k- for you now, had me worried there. Maybe your newest layout will be a fresh start for you? I like it :) You know (and its just my opinion) you shouldnt delete things out since it was just a time in your life... I have ranted on so much-- hell, you've seen the rants lol and there still there amidst all the good moments. I say worry not and eventually everything will fall into place. I know that doesnt seem like the greatest of advice but oddly enough it holds very true. Im glad you updated, I missed ya! And I agree that song as much as I hate poppyness is pretty good! xo

from pinkbowshoe :

;( Locked up? Are you ok?

from classygirl83 :

Hey~ I came across your diary, and I Thought it was good. I hope that you don't mind if I add you to my faves. Havea great week!

from blakkrayn :

Hey Doc, :) Ive been doing the pre-natal vitamins. Eating at a minium, just cant find anything that sounds/appeals to me, broke down and drank acpl glasses of cherry coke-- that didnt agree with me either so Im back to water/juice/milk routine. I have yet to even hear from a DR!! :( Other than that, everythings been well. :) xo

from blakkrayn :

Oooh, I dig the new layout A LOT. Super cool. I didnt know you were going to be married-- guess it was before I stumbled upon your diary. Anyways, I dont know if I have any real sound advice with your Jim fella. If he feels hes changed and you like him still, why not give him another shot? Maybe he has changed... maybe he isnt the same person he once was and maybe since time has passed there are new things for you to discover about him; and him about you. I dont think you have to just 'accept' him- but if hes all around a good guy who truly does love you and you could in your heart love him like he deserves- than why not give it a shot? You two can just see how things go between one another- take it slow and see if anything develops. Gah, I suck today. I hope that makes some kind of sense hun. xo

from pinkbowshoe :

like the new layout, too! I know the feeling of being superbusy. It's nice to have time off though. Enjoy it while you can. Busy-ness is just aroudn the corner.

from blakkrayn :

Heya chic-a-dee... A new layout! Yay! Hehe. We'll Im glad your officially a 2nd yr med student :D Congrats!!!

from pinkbowshoe :

hey girlie! Yeah, actually today I was looking online at Phys. Ed. Masters degree programs. They had a PTherapy program a masters/doc. program and I was really interested in that, but the requirements alone for me to get in would have taken me 2 years to acquire. I don't know that I want it that much. So, I'm still pursuing options. I was thinking Exercise Phys. but I'm not sure what I'd do w/ that degree either?! hmmmm

from blakkrayn :

LOL! Ahh the ending of your entry was funny :) Im glad your feeling better and over him. Im glad that your gonna focus on you and school for awhile-- I think it'll do you a world of good! And besides, it usually finds you when YOU least expect or want it-- trust me on that, lol. Heh, I wish I could quit eating, Ive gone from about 1x a day to 4 million xs a day : / How did the exams go? Love ya!

from pinkbowshoe :

You know what I did? I deleted Biggs name off my AIM buddy list, and completely forgot about it. I figure he said he wasn't speaking to me anymore, and just wasn't signing on (forgetting that I deleted him). Until one day I saw on my aol buddy list (diff. screen name) that he was on there. I was like WTF...and of course that led me to text message him. But, honestly what you dont' know isn't there won't hurt you.

from blakkrayn :

Heya hun, hehe I hope your still not in final exam crisis mode-- how do you think you did? And for what classes was it? Ive missed reading your updates since my ISP is *constantly* messing up :/ Stupid 'net. Thanks for the congratulations, were thrilled to pieces, hehe. Love ya!

from pinkbowshoe :

Giiirl!! Well, if I can see this through my vision..I'd say he just wants to spend time with you. He probrably thinks you're cool, and likes hanging out. The only problem is that you get too close cause you love him and want more, but he doesnt. He thinks he can just be friends, and it will be ok and that all that hate talk and things you say about him will reassure him that you're ok with just being friends. CAuse what does he have to worry if you hate him? Right? Anyway..thats just my thought on it, but I'm not a mind reader. You never know...just enjoy the concert...be in the moment, and enjoy it for what it is. Two friends hanging out having a kick ass time at a concert. Try not to worry about the consequences of the situation, and just enjoy it for what it is and not what it could ,should and would be. LLYAS...*HUG*

from blakkrayn :

Hey sweetie. I wish I had some choice words for you right now but I dont. I do know one thing though, things WILL get better for you. I promise. We all hit rough spots (hell Ive hit 'em more times than I care to remember) but Im still kickin' and doin' fine... and so will you. Why are you studying so much for? To be a kickass DR of course! And why? Because your important. Your going to make a difference in many peoples' lives. Thats awesome, gurl!! If you ever need to vent, throw an email my way-- you know Im a friend and I dont mind-- vent to me. Love ya!

from blakkrayn :

Hey hun, I wish I could offer some kickass advice for you but I have none. :( I think it (being friends) could be done but it will be hard no doubt about it. I have been in your shoes like this too, and I decided it would be best for me to just part ways with the person. It wasnt easy and for a long time I still longed for them but in the end and after many tears I knew I had decided what was best for me. Oh, and hey a 5k race is cool. I know you shall kick ass! :) xox

from pinkbowshoe :

I've always wanted to do one of those. I'm afraid I'd kill myself trying to keep up w/ people. That's the competator in me. Running your 3rd mile...well, for training...do some intervals...that will build your stamina up, and get your muscles strong enough to push out that extra. Do some sprint work, hill work if you can find any. Nothing crazy...do like start at doing 2 sprints..or better yet 3. Treadmills suck, but try getting a field. Mark off a point...in your neighborhood..race/sprint to a streetlight..and walk/jog..and do intervals like that. Works wonders. Im so envious!!

from pinkbowshoe :

Yes...I agree. I loved Gwen back in the day. She's some weird freak monster now, but I love her all the same. My favorite is the re-make of It's my life. I just rock out to that song. I like bathwater too. And my fav. 311 song is Amber. Makes me almost wanna name my daughter Amber. ;) Yeah, the only part of that Egyptian pasta that scared me was the cinnamon in the sauce. I like trying new things...but that did make me tilt my head and say "whaa??"

from pinkbowshoe :

haha!! Google whack!! That word just made my whole morning.

from blakkrayn :

LOL! Google whacking?? Hmm, I shall give it a try, sounds like fun and this will prolly be the last time Im online until.... Tues? Wed? with the move and all-- which is a PAIN! :( Im never moving again!! Im still pretty bummed about the results, if I think about it too much I start to cry. I know honestly I shouldnt feel so bad but I cant help that I do. :( Im seriously contemplating putting school on hold a bit and try to have a baby... I dont know if thats smart or not, its just what my gut instinct tells me.... I know I can always embalm. Im torn, I really am..... xox

from blakkrayn :

Hey sweetie! Good to see you alive and kicking ;) Its awesome how your losing so much weight, so whats your trick?? Yoga comes in handy for awesome sex positions, lol... Aww, I dont think your being harsh really, its your diary and its your place to vent. Im glad your in a better mood.... Good luck with your exams coming up. xoxox

from pinkbowshoe :

If you do go anywhere..please let me know! I'd miss you, and I want to keep up w/ your stories :) HEy....great job on the next 3 pounds...good job!!!

from pinkbowshoe :

I updated for ya! I havn't been updating b/c there's so much on my mind, and so much I want to say but I can't get a moment to say it, plus there are things going on that I really don't feel comfortable writting about on here b/c of some people knowing who I am and things. So, I have just been laying low, taking my frustration/ventings out on other things. But, I miss writting, and catching up. Keep your head up w/ that guy. Just remember that if he's that much of an A** then you really weren't meant to be like that. A good guy will come along..and usualy when you're not looking. I know it's so cliche, but it's really true. hang in there, your day will come.

from pinkbowshoe :

I need some of your motivation. I get motivated for about a week at a time, then Poof something comes up, and it just throws me off my routine and then I'm back to feeling down in the dumps. *sigh* You keep inspiring me...so keep up the good work. congrats on the weight loss so far!! And..I love that Hole song..you will ache like I ache. I thought I was the only one who loved that cd!!

from blakkrayn :

Hi sweetie. Im sorry your feeling so down :( I wish there was someway I could cheer you up. I know!! I could dress up like a clown (a reeeaaallly bad one), stand on my head while spinning eating mayonaisse and grapes. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! And than when Im all dizzy and puke you can give me some meds to make my tummy feel better. :) I do know what your going through but you gotta remember not all guys you meet online are mean dicks. Dont give up. I promise your guy will come. Its when you least expect it-- trust me on that. *hugs* And yeah, Im gonna wait a bit on the whole testing thing... Oh, and dont worry my birthday sucked ass too, always does. I have *yet* to have one that didnt (mmmkay, maybe my 21st falls into that category cause I won like 400$ play a quarter slot machine, heh). Love ya!

from blakkrayn :

Hey!!! I havent been online til today, but I wanted to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Now were both older, does it suck yet? lol. Hmm, I wouldnt sweat the IG, hes *so* missing out. Spending the night at the hospital wouldve been very cool... what did you get to do?? You'll have to fill me in. xox

from blakkrayn :

Are you serious about your birthday being on Monday? Heh, mine is on Sunday. Pbbbbbbt!!!! Im a day before you *sings and acts stupid, lol* Well, I seriously care about you... I consider you a friend.... hmm, didnt know you were engaged before. I hope things are -k- with you. *hugs* xox

from blakkrayn :

Heya hun, you know I have a bad habit of doing things like that as well, maybe you were just reading too much into his nonverbal-- which maybe you took wrong because you already had negative thoughts about this, ya know? Not too be all nosey about the comments below mine from 'pink' but also alcohol loosens up a person bigtime, their less inhibited but its usually always the truth. :) I remember when I was w/my 1st Anthony he couldnt come out and tell me 100% how he felt but one night he was at a bar and drunk and I was on his mind, he grabbed a pen & napkin (LOL) and started writing all of his feelings for me on it and sent it to me.... it was sweet. Hows school coming along? Oh, and I *love* the new layout. Very, very cool! xox

from pinkbowshoe :

I think people tell the truth b/c they're behind a "wall" so to speak. They can say/do whatever they want and then hide behind the wall and say "oh, I was drunk." but in reality, they did say what they meant. It just took a little push (alcohol) to get it out. I think you're right..people do tell the truth when they have a lil alcohol in them. THey don't think of the consequences or what are the aftermath's of whatever happens. They're just in the "now" when drinking. Afterwards is like WTF did I just do, oh no,..and the worry. But, I think he just got out what he was too afriad to say to you sober.

from pinkbowshoe :

aweeeeeeee! see, he does like you!! Just give it a shot. Calm down, and think that he's probrably spazzing just like you are. What if he has a huge ass??? You never know. Everyone has their kwirks, and everyone has their own likes, and dislikes. Just go with it. Obvioiusly there's something there if he's still calling you...and 4 times drunken! he was probrably petrified to call, so he did it drunk (courage in a bottle)!!

from pinkbowshoe :

Thanks, girl. I know my friends are all screwey. The two friends whom I've known the longest are the ones having the most trouble with all of this, but then...they've always been like that. The only thing I can gather is being jealous (and i feel horrible saying that b/c it makes me seem "above them" which i'm not) but that is the only way to interpret what she is saying. She's obviously not happy for me..thats for sure. Happy late VD day. I hope your brain didn't fry! I'm sure you will do/did well on your test. You are a wonderful gal, and when the time is right, you will stumble upon your charming knight...it just takes time (as we all know and hate), but it will come. Just focus on you right now, you've worked so hard to get where you are, and don't let ANYONE (guy/girl) get in the way of what you want for yourself. The right person won't deterr you from your dreams, but rather support and encourage you along you way.

from blakkrayn :

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie. Heh, dont cram so much for a test that your brain explodes, that would umm, not be good. Yeah. Hehe. Hmm, do they even have a medical term/name for an exploding brain? Is it even possible to fathom happening? I wonder about these things quite often. :D xox

from blakkrayn :

True.. I didnt get it in time BUT you did a helluva lot better explaining it to me than the teacher did. Umm, Id like to hire you, please? Thank you! :) After all the worrying, the nitwit didnt even ask about it on the midterm. *nods head in disgust* How is everything on your end? xox

from blakkrayn :

Umm, I think maybe you should give him a call. Couldnt hurt. Than again, I wish I was more agressive, too and Im not for shit. Hope the headache goes away. xo

from pinkbowshoe :

You poor thing. I can relate to this story so much. I've done that many times before b/c of my insecurities and issues w/ my body. The thing is..you can't say or judge or predict how another person will perceive you. You have to take a risk, take a chance...and let life happen as it will. You could have had the greatest night..and who knows, maybe he isn't as perfect as you envision him in your head. Maybe he has the same doubts and fears, but just covers them up better. All I know is that you sometimes just have to jump in and go with it. Screw your head and your thoughts...and just see what happens. Let fate play its cards.

from blakkrayn :

AWWWW! *BIG HUGS* Hun, why did you do that? I know its scary but how will you ever know someone likes you if you run away? Ive realized (and its taken me a long, long time) that not all guys are after looks and hot skinny chics like the media and a large portion of the male population says... some guys are after personality and someone they can 'connect' with. Now, by no means am I saying because a guy is into your personality that it makes up for something in the looks dept. but seriously how long can one look 'appealing' to the opposite sex? And while sex is awesomely great it doesnt keep a relationship... personality does. Intrests do. It really sounded like he was into you for your many other admirable, amazing qualities and you should be thrilled that he is.... dont let this end on such a sour note. Apologize to him and explain to him where your coming from... I think he'd listen, understand your fears and reassure you and I doubt he would go away... but dont decide for him. Give *HIM* the chance to decide for himself. And for you? Please realize your a beautiful person, weight doesnt decide that. You do. So dont, mmmkay? xoxo

from blakkrayn :

Hey :) Sorry Im just now getting back to your note ya left me. Stupid DLand and their servers. Im glad my words could help you. Like I said, I know exactly what your going through since Im guilty of doing it all the time myself. Even now, I feel like Im having some troubles with the boy and Im not sure how to go about adressing the issues... Im a coward and deathly afraid of his possible response to what Ive got to tell. *le sigh* I thought about writing him a letter of sorts telling him that way but how would that look? Gah! And yeah, your right. Walmart is eviiiil but those cars are so damned fun! Theyve got 'em on their website on clearance for 9$. You should pick one up. Great stress reliever. xox

from blakkrayn :

Aww. Dont feel sad about this guy. I think your so used to things not working out your preparing yourself for another letdown. You and I are so, so, so much alike w/relationships its scary... but I can relate. So, my advice to you is take things slow, dont worry too much, meet this guy and just let whatever happens happen. We all get hurt in relationships- sometimes more than others but you arent living if you keep yourself 'sheltered' from feelings and emotions you deserve to feel. I hope that makes sense to you. Before Anthony and I got together I was like that too... scared to react but scared to lose him. Go out on a limb and take a chance, this guy may suprise you. You know if you ever need to talk Im only a call away and Im a good listener so you should take me up on my offer sometime. :) xo

from blakkrayn :

BOO!! Heh, how you been? Ive missed reading you so Im glad you did the right thing and provided me necessary reading material, lol. Hmm, what do you know about veins/arteries? I could use alittle help if you have some time one of these days. Hope you had a wonderful Xmas and hope the new year has got off to a good start for you. :) xox

from pinkbowshoe :

Thanks. I hope you had a Merry Christmas as well! You can email me @ [email protected] and send me your new name. ttyl.

from pinkbowshoe :

Yaaaaaaay! go girl!! I'm glad you will have someone like that in your life. I'm so glad your back , too...even if only for an entry or so. Happy Holidays!

from blakkrayn :

Heya Kristen, I hope you arent away too much, I'll miss you but I do understand. Like I said in my entry we'll be losing net for awhile, too. Im sorry things arent going the way you want with internet guy. I dont think its pathetic as Im sure all of us (and some more than others- like myself) have done that at some point. I wish I knew what to tell you. *hugs* Yeah, Ive been thinking maybe I should get back on something....I used to be on depo, was convienant. Ahh, I dunno we'll figure out something. Hey, dont forget to send me your addy Im working on cards now I dont want to be all procrastinator-like this year lol... take care! xo

from pinkbowshoe :

Well, all that comes to mind is that you have to know what makes you happy, and what you want to do FOR YOUR OWN REASONINGS. All my childhood I felt inadequate with my family because I wasn't in honors and wasn't the smart one like my cousins. I tried and strived to be so smart and get good grades and do the right thing for the wrong people. I know what I want in my career. I know my grandparents, and parent wanted me to do something magical like be a doctor, but that wouldn't make me satisfied. I'm in a job right now that I'm doing because it works. Im not happy, but I get paid. But when Im done school i won't (I hope) just sit here and let my life pass me by because this is what I'm supposed to do. I want my life to be fufilling to me. And as for the weight, maybe you were hiding under it like anorexics hide behind not eating...but they use those "walls" (i.e. your weight, or their non-weight) to protect them from what is inside. I don't mean to get all psychological on you..but maybe you have things inside you need to work out and then you will feel more complete and happy with your outside that you always wanted.

from blakkrayn :

You know I can really relate to this entry. I know its shitty sounding when I say this but Im glad Im not the only one who feels like this on a constant basis.... and I still have the walls up w/my guy, hell, sometimes I dont even know how to approach him. Dont fret hun, your gonna be a kickass doc, I dont think you wouldve gone this far if you didnt think you could do it. : ) Hey, care if I send you a xmas card? Id really like too but tis up to you. If you do, send me an email w/your addy to: [email protected] take care hun

from blakkrayn :

Heya sweetie!! Thanks for the message-- I will write ya more lates, I promise. Heh, that would suck but it was a damn funny entry.... Hope ya have a Happy Thanksgiving!! xo

from pinkbowshoe :

hahaha! That was the best entry ever! KS and I looked at the positions for a while..hot damn. :)

from blakkrayn :

Hmm, positions? Yoga? You dont say ;) Ahh yes those would most certainly be useful, heh. Yeah, being able to hold her organs was very neat. I loved it! But still at the same time it put me in a weird mood the more I got to think about it, ya know? Did you ever feel that way? Yeah Im totally with you on the snob thing....YUCK. And you have my word that I'll shoot ya if you become one of them. :P Have a good weekend hun....

from pinkbowshoe :

That entry rocked!! I was laughing the whole way down!! I soo agree with you...damn rich snoots! If I don't catch up w/ you..have a great Thanksgiving..I'm going to be making my first dinner here w/ my mom who's flying in from Georgia, KS, and his mom. :) yay.

from pinkbowshoe :

sorry about that..I was at work helping with inventory and then when I could get a break I'd write and I kept getting interrupted. *sheesh* Thanks for the note :) Im going to update!!

from blakkrayn :

Ahh, thats great! Congrats on the grades. :D Hmm, yoga? Maybe thats what I need...Ive been feelin' alil blah myself. I wrote down your date you gave-- since Im keeping track of everyones predictions. I think whomever ends up right on/closest I will give them some sort of present. That would be cool, right? Right. Heh, yeah I wont be such the slacker w/updates and that means the same for you, young lady! lol.... xo

from pinkbowshoe :

thank you soo much!! I appreciate it. I know its going to be hard balancing exercise, and changing my eating habits (ugh). But I know I can do it if I stay focused (just like w/ school and soccer). and..there's the will..I have to want to do it and I'm confident that I will. ;) thanks

from blakkrayn :

....and where are we lurking at these days? I miss you as silly as that may sound (to you). Hope your alright :) xo

from blakkrayn :

Heh, I second what pinkbow said below...Aww, I hope you pass the new diary name to me as well. I enjoy reading you. : ) Take care hun. xo

from pinkbowshoe :

hey there. I know that boy thing really hurt you, but realize that he's not the one. If you are going through this much pain and hurt already b/c he just wants to be friends, he's not ready and it's better that you move on. If you read back towards the beginning of my diary you'll see that I had the same situation with a guy I was crazy about but he just didn't want to label anything, and it was just heartwrenching. But, I got over it and moved on and you will too. you will find happiness. Let me know what your new diary name is..I'd like to keep up. ;) ooh..yeah give that guy a try, if anything you might come out w/ a cool guy to hang out with if it doesn't work out. Study buddy?! :)

from pinkbowshoe :

Yeah, we won our game yesterday, and so now we play in the final/championship game tomorrow at 1pm in Rutherford NJ. I dunoo if you're anywhere near there, but if you are, come on by!! We love the support. It's going to be a great game. If you dont come, still wish me luck! :)

from blakkrayn :

Even if there were a switch to turn off, would you *really* wanna do that? Hells no. lol... I think its great youve come to that conclusion, your prolly right on, ya know? I honestly believe what your other reader said about 'it'll find you when you least expect it'. Thats how it always works and it usually ends up being great. Btw, hows school going? Take care hun. xo

from pinkbowshoe :

Where is he? I'll kick his a** for ya?! Guys do suck most times. But, you just havn't found the right frog to kiss yet. Keep looking..stay focused w/ school..they guy part will stumble upon u when you arent looking or ready for him..always works that way .

from blakkrayn :

You signed up cause you want to make a difference and help others, heh. I know it sucks right now but I guarantee it'll pay off in the end. Gah! 7 hrs?!?! Gurl, take a break your burnin' yourself out. :/ And Your very smart, your learning new info, you'll get it though... so dont be too hard on yourself. Ive gotta study again myself *grr* Good luck!

from blakkrayn :

Yes, yes.. things are going good between us (finally!) and Im so glad. Heh, he'd make an excellent daddy, cant wait for that to happen, really. Gah, your poor cadav... Im thinking though most people wouldnt donate if they knew where and what for their bodies were being used... cause as we all know not all bods are used in med school scenerios. That was pretty damn funny about his penis flopping onto her shoe, gah, poor gurl. How did you pick it up? Im just insanely curious :D I think its great you and the net guy are becoming friends.... glad things are going good w/the cop. If nothing does turn out at least youve got a new friend to kick it with, can never have too many of those, right? xo

from pinkbowshoe :

Im so glad you're back!! I can't imagine that either. The thought of losing my mom has crossed my mind at times, and its devistating ...even at the thought! I give you a lot of credit for pushing through that and staying strong. I would have bawled my eyes out. Thanks for sharing that story.

from blakkrayn :

Yes, yes.. men are the complicated sucky ones!!! I shall tell him that tonight too, heh :D When I get to the anatomy part I will come screaming to you, "HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!" Heh. Take care hun. xo!

from blakkrayn :

Aww, god that entry brought tears to my eyes, than again, Im a pretty emotional person. I like to blame my zodiac sign for being such a wuss. Anyways, I can totally relate... I was doing the CNA thing (not anywhere near as great as you'll have it) but I worked in similiar conditions and its very disheartening to see and watch the disease 'eat' their lives away from them :( I dont know how one exactly learns to 'cope' with what they'll undoubtedly see on a routine basis because your right; you cant be all emotional and let it get to you but you cant be cold and heartless, either. Its a fine line and must be treaded on lightly. I guess you and I will both be learning some of the not so glamrous things..... I will keep your patient in my prayers, though :) xo

from blakkrayn :

Heh, well Im sure you'll be a most kickass DR and my services wont be required too much by you... but if one happens to slip than sure I'll zoom on over in my hearse. :D Yeah, I so cant wait for 3rd qtr to begin so I can start anatomy and get the good stuff going!! Woohoo! Hows school going for you? Oh, oh and how is 'the cop'? :) xox

from blakkrayn :

NOOOOOOO!!! You cant leave lol! Aww, well I hope you get it all sorted out. I should leave for abit myself but Id prolly go insane! :) xo

from blakkrayn :

Yay! Im glad you had a good time, I knew ya would. ;) I think you said it best in your entry. Just have yourself a good time. Heh, I hope Mr. Cadav's dinner was fully digested as well, yuck. Sounds as bad as me having to deal with bodies that could 'purge'. Eww, eww, ewww! Aww and your right bout us. Heh, the sex definetly helped, lol. :D xo

from blakkrayn :

Yeah, I think things between us will be -k-. I think what I said caught us both off abit. I dont see us giving up on one another so easily as much as shit sucks sometimes for us. Aww, ya shouldnt think like that. You dont have to go in with any expectations, afterall, its *just* a date. Dont focus on all the unknown just focus on having a good time in his company as Im sure he is yours. Besides, remember he approached you... ;) You'll have to let me know how it all turned out, cant wait! xo

from pinkbowshoe :

Good luck on your date. Although, at this hour you're probly over the date. Don't fill your head with such thoughts. I used to do that every time I went on a date as well. But, you never know. Its usually those times when we're so worried about what they might think of us instead of what we might think of them, that we end up having the best nights regardless of looks, and all the stuff us girls worry about. It seems like every time Im so cought up in what if he's going to like me, and I don't wanna go and freak out and want to cancel, every time I have those thoughts is when the night turns out to be so much fun, and I wonder why I ever thought of staying home. I hope you had a great time.

from blakkrayn :

Hot damn gurlie! I like that youve wasted no time in snagging hot cop guy. :D School does sound like lots of fun. I dont think that sounds morbid, interesting as hell!

from blakkrayn :

Heh, ahh come on, ya gotta love the fact that hes a cop and ... ooh, have him do a striptease. That would be hot and than you can... eh. lol Yeah. Hmm. Anyways, you get the idea :D

from blakkrayn :

Yay! I wanna see pics! Heh, hmm a cop, eh? I say call him... cant miss the chance at having hot cop sex w/his handcuffs! *ahem* ;) Anyways, sounds like you had a good weekend... Im jealous, heh. xo

from blakkrayn :

Aww, feel free to rant anytime, seriously, I dont mind. Yeah, if hes doing along the lines of what Victor did Id bail and quick. Just isnt worth it. Reminds me of another guy I fell for, too. Greg. Twas online and he was a construction worker, hot hot guy. We were exclusive for abit and than he cheated on me, left me for a fucking chic who collected & played with legos!!! WTF?! I actually msg'd her like no big deal and she told me all about 'their' wonderful relationship. What an ass. I was also watching Oprah and she had on this guy who wrote this book and damn, twas a good show, but anyway this book was called, "Hes just not that into you" Sounds harsh, I know... but it basically is how guys will say than do something totally different. But he seemed to be right on about it. Oh, and I hope your meeting with the Kev goes smoothly. All you can do if he wants a relationship again and your not feelin it is be honest... anyway. wow. Ive really rambled this time around, eh? lol...

from blakkrayn :

Uh oh, why the sad face? And does it have anything to do with the note you gave me re: the guy your interested in?

from blakkrayn :

Heh, I dont mean to laugh but that was cute & funny all in one. I dont think your pyscho, though. :D Hmm, I remember that ER episode very clearly... your right sacrifices do have to be made but in the end I believe its worth it. And I do believe when you find the one he'll stick it out, besides if ya cant make it through when times get tough than maybe it wasnt ever meant to be? Hmm... Im in a weird thinking mood. xo

from blakkrayn :

Thank you. :) Well, Im glad you and him got to talk and that he set your mind at ease-- that *always* makes a world of difference. I think you should just continue with what your doing and see what happens, since ya said you'll keep it in mind, ya know? How'd your test go??

from blakkrayn :

Hey you! :) Im glad my experience helped ya abit. I wouldnt wish that on anyone, sometimes (alright, most the time) guys are dumbasses and theyre real good for giving mixed signals... I dont think Ive ever been so angry like I was in that entry I wrote. I did end up talking to him about it and got things straightened out. I dont wanna be with anyone else so hes gotta make it work, dammit! lol Dont burn yourself out too much on anatomy. Im sure you'll do great on the test! Oh, and thank you, thank you for your words cause they really did help me out. :D

from blakkrayn :

Aww.. love the design, very pretty. I love how it capitalizes the beginnning letter in a diffferent color as well, cool. :) Hmm, I know I dont know the whole situation between you & this guy but it does sound like hes interested only when it suits his needs- whatever those may be. Reason I say that is because I was in a similar situation (heh, acpl times actually) but the one, Victor... gah! I wouldve done absolutely anything for him but it took us forever to even get to that point... everytime we made plans to meet it fell through on his end... than I heard of him no more. More than a year went by and I was so devastated he had done me like that, than he re-appeared and it happened allover again. That whole process went on 2 more times because I allowed it (I know, I know... Im a dumbass but I really thought he wanted me just like I wanted him). After the last go around he IM'd me and I called him out on it. I was like you dont give a shit you never have, Im only good for you when you want someone, etc etc etc. After that he left me alone and I was able to move on emotionally. Hmmm, wow. This was looooong. Sorry :/ xo

from blakkrayn :

lol, I wish Id have some good details to tell when I start unfortunetly all Ive got are 4 suckass classes to start off with :/ For the time being I *really* think you should update me, afterall your the one working with the cadav. ;)

from blakkrayn :

Aww *hugs* I really do know what your going through with that entry you wrote. You couldnt have said it better, its exactly how I feel 99% of the time. The difference is, is that youve stuck it out and look where your at? Med School. Gurl I could never do that, your stronger than you think. You know, I still am unable to open up 100% to Anthony and still mostly keep things hush around him... although he did say something that hurt my feelings yesterday. I doubt it was intentional but it sucked either way :/ And all that did was make me view him in another way and make me feel not so close anymore. Im glad I got on today to see your update! : )

from blakkrayn :

Hey! Eww, I dunno if Id lick that either, course if given a large sum of ca$h I could be inclined to at least think about it. Hmm. Im glad all is going well for you in Med School and dont worry about the exams... you'll do great. Look how far youve already come :D Aww, thank you. Yeah, hopefully it'll all work out and be ok. Im home now, I missed it *alot* Im glad you like the new layout, the gal I had do it does some *amazing* work. And, hey... I missed you. Just havent been around much myself. I wont use that damn hiatus word cause its irritating, heh. Take care hun! xo

from blakkrayn :

Aww, well Im interested in knowing about the dissection of Herbie. I find the human body extremely fascinating. :D Hmm, maybe your looking to hard to find 'the one'. He'll come to you when you least expect it... Twas nice to see an update from ya! xo

from blakkrayn :

Hi sweetie, Im sad to see you go, hopefully you'll check in once in awhile. Dont worry, you'll be fine. Good luck! xo

from blakkrayn :

Hey! Nice to see an update from you. :) Im glad things between you and the boy are going good. Ahh, signing leases... yup I dont envy that stuff. I read my lease papers like 3xs to make sure everything was cool unlike the boy who just signed his name. Sucks about the 'no pets' rule :/ Thats what took me so long to find a place cause I refused to leave my lil Mo-Mo's behind. Take care sweetie! xo

from blakkrayn :

Heh, awww... well all ya can do is make baseball as interesting for him as ya can. Im sure you have something creative in mind already. ;) Heh, was WS (world series for college?) Thats in my hometown, Omaha. I was watching alil bit of that myself the other day. xox

from blakkrayn :

Aww, hey gurlie! Congrats about Kevin, sounds like you & him are definetly hitting it off! :) How've ya been anyways?? xox

from blakkrayn :

Sounds like good times! Heh, testing toothpaste? That could be fun ;) xo

from blakkrayn :

The beach sounds like good times... never been to a 'real' beach. Im envious. Aww, why the sad faces??

from blakkrayn :

Heh, Im excited but getting more nervous as it gets closer. I also found out that depending when I get there he may be @ work. So our 1st encounter could be me waking up to see him staring at me or something. Kinda creepy. lol Im looking into net srvc now so I dont go thru withdrawls :D At least some distance is better than none, right? Yeah, Id be packing too... dont be like me saving it til last minute cause it really, really sucks. Have yourself a good weekend. xo

from blakkrayn :

Hiya! Catching up on missed entries. Staying in Jersey, eh? Well, as long as theres some distance between you & the family Im sure all will be -k-. Still though, I dunno CA wouldve been good times. And who cares that your not Paris Hilton skinny. Thats abit too skinny and shes ugly and snobby. So, HA! :) I think its cool your gonna be going to Med School... sure it'll suck with all that it entails but in the end you'll be doing what youve wanted to since you were 10. I think its just nerves on your part right now... like going from talking/wanting to do it to actually doing it. Hope that makes sense. xo

from blakkrayn :

Why do your words seem to have such truth to them? Ahh, I know now... because its the same as mine with the exception of my mom calling the shots and hating me. I guess that was moms goal all along, get rid of all the kids eventually. Are you an only child? Aww and thank you for what you wrote in my notes. Twas really sweet of you. :D Sorry, Ive been neglectful- just havent had much to say or write about but Id log in to read updates. :) xox

from blakkrayn :

Tis me *again* I can honestly say I know where your coming from with this entry of yours. I, for one think as much as you originally wanted to stay where you are-- the change (going to CA) will be very good for you. It will be a fresh start for you and a time to live life for yourself, not for others. Its the same situation Im in now living where Im at. Always too concerned what others may think or may do. I guess its that pisces trait, eh? I think you'll do fantastically in SD. Time to re-group and focus on YOU. Aww, and as far as your nieces go... you'll be able to visit when you can. There are always phone calls so you can hear those transitions... I know it all sucks now but things will be better soon. Im dealing with having to leave my daughter here for quite some time before moving her in with me :/ Keep your head up! And you know feel free to give me a shout anytime, I really do mean that. :) xox

from blakkrayn :

Hey you :) Sorry Ive been abit of a slacker when it comes to the notes. *kicks self* I agree with ya tho, I was happy to Ross & Rachel together, finally! Hows everything been going? xox

from blakkrayn :

Yay! I'm glad the notes part is up, maybe it was this whole time but I always tried from your diary & not profile. Grr. I relate so well to you on your new love. Believe me your not fucked up for being scared to get close and to push away from fear. I do it too. Hell, Ive been in a relationship for 7 1/2 months and I still find myself pushing away and still am not able to let him in 100%- as I know he so badly wants. I try to convince myself I just need to let it go and let it happen but the fear stops me too. And my constant fear is that me being how I am will eventually be too much for him and I'll lose him..... Take care sweetie! xox

from mpeacock :

Thank you, PricessAimee designed it. Good luck with your studies, if you ever read through my archives you'd see that I spent the last year worrying about my grades too. Now I give the grades. Take care.

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