messages to bicow:
(click here to add new message):
| from lostasyou : |
| Just your description on your profile has made me want to read! Would I be able to have a password, pretty please? :) |
| from curiousnme : |
| Drop me a password if possible. User name says it all! New here |
| from baybear310 : |
| well, i'd like to know your password to look at your diary, if you dont mind. :) |
| from hemopoetic : |
| i loved hanging out last week. i miss you a lot. i wish that there were better times for us to get together--the wife got really angry, really jealous. took me not by complete surprise but definitely shocked me a lot. after john dropped me off that night/early morning, it did not go well. she hung up on me and wouldn't talk or even text me. there's more to it than that but it sucked. i mean, she talks about marriage and i love her so much but she pulls this bull crap and i know marriage is not on any near horizon as dearly as i want it with her, someday. so as tired as i was, i went to my friend's house to hang with her and her husband. i vented and they both consoled me and agreed she wasn't taking this very maturely or fairly at all. usually i'd be an emotional wreck, almost embarassingly so.....but then i realized i was just tired. so very tired of it that i had no energy to spare toward it. i was hurt but i wasn't going to let it swelter and expand. besides, i had so much fun hanging out with you guys and wish it could happen ever week. thank you so much for having me up there and for being so lovely, as always. i hope we meet/talk again soon. *love, hugs, and kisses* |
| from hemopoetic : |
| i don't think you're blowing up the "abandoned daddy's girl" thing up at all. it's valid. you have a RIGHT to feel the way you do based on past experiences, especially because it was so brutal. i mean, moving on from the past is hard sometime, but you can move on and still have the pain from it. you have a right to that pain. and you shouldn't have to feel like you should brush it off like "oh 'tis but a scratch," when you're referring to a war scar that covers like, one side of your entire body. and we all want for attention, attention is reassuring because it reaffirms our realness, it's validating and that is a good thing. that ache for attention that seems to blend with the other pain inside of you does that BECAUSE the desire for attention is to ensure that what caused the pain last time doesn't happen again. these two things feed off of each other and work as one unit so recognizing the subtle differences is useful but i see the two more like one pain with many facets. pain isn't usually so simple. :) heh. you and i are experts on that. and i know you said not to read too much into it but i worry about you, because i love you so much (which has NOTHING to do with feeling sorry for you) but that entry to me sounds more like self-realization on the way to betterness. i'm hoping it is and that's it isn't the hangover affecting my judgement. heh. you know karl said something to me the other day. he was telling me how ron really did love me, really did care for me and i sat there shaking my head, denying that could ever be true. because i'm always afraid at this point that it's because people feel sorry for me or something. that they'll end up growing to hate me because i hooked them in without meaning to. suddenly, before i knew it, i came out and said, "i think that i don't believe you karl, don't believe that ron really loves me because i don't feel lovable. i don't feel like people can love me for me." i was the only surprised one. my hand flew up to my mouth and i looked away. karl smiled at me and said, "well, gee whiz chance, let's see. your mother loved you but was a cold person and then died while you were still young. your father tells you you're worthless and cheap and has been since day one. and so far all your experiences with best friends have ended horribly and dramatically with abuse. gee, i wonder why it is you feel you are unlovable. duh! and it's not true because people do care about you. like me and ron, like janet and jessie and mary. your aunt, your cousin. i know it'll take you a while to see that. but you ARE lovable, likeable at the very, very least. we wouldn't be spending this much time with you, this much effort on you if we were basing the relationship on pity." and i say the same to you because it's an insightful and valid concept to consider whenever self-doubt and loathing springs its ugly head. i love you so much. and i just wish i were closer so i could be there for you more. then i could better prove this. :) |
| from hemopoetic : |
| but i LOVE you. |
| from hemopoetic : |
| *huggles tight* probably right. but get it checked soon. disposable test. have you told your aunt about it? |
| from hemopoetic : |
| it's okay. |
| from hemopoetic : |
| you know we're all thinking of you, love. every day, thinking and longing. yeah... |
| from hemopoetic : |
| you know we're all thinking of you, love. every day, thinking and longing. yeah... |
| from hemopoetic : |
| i will be thinking of you tonight, love. although i do think your mind will be full of other things. i debated calling you tonight but thought against it and chose just signing on instead, you know, just in case, because i've been worrying about you all day. i wish i could do more to make things better, i really do. *huggles* i'll try to sign on in the morning too, just in case, but if you don't feel like signing on or saying anything, don't worry about it. *love* |
| from hemopoetic : |
| *huggles* of course you're worth it. it reminded me of the message i had on my cell for the day you were in sd. i wish i were there to hold you....or at least someone you wanted holding you to hold you like you deserve. comfort is good stuffs. |
| from hemopoetic : |
| thank you for the warmth. *snuggles, kiss* |
| from hemopoetic : |
| *smirk* life without boys is almost always MUCH cheaper, so kind to the wallet. *hugs* mons. |
| from gothangel : |
| was reading your diary.. luv it.. and a happy fuckin' new year to ya... 2003: the year of the sheep... reach me @ http://gothangel.diaryland.com gurls who love boys who love girls... 2 worlds that never fade! |
| from hemopoetic : |
| no, not stupid or even whore in the negative sense. in fact, it all sounds pretty damn valid to me. everyone wants to feel needed and loved. *miss* |
| from hemopoetic : |
| oh honey. you're happiness is contagious! you make me smile with your smilies....your REAL, SELF CAUSED smilies! i knew it would happen! knew it. and you don't even know how happy that makes me and how proud i am you found it and get to savor it....ahhh, this is the zest of life. too many ands, yeah? i love you. yes. |
| from hemopoetic : |
| things are chaotic for you right now...writing is a good escape. so...where are you finding solace from this load of bullshit? *hug* |
| from hemopoetic : |
| miss you. |
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