messages to carallyne:
(click here to add new message):

from turnaround4u :
what a great essay to Legend's teacher! You're such a good mom! :)
from turnaround4u :
How is life??! I have been praying for you and going back to work. Please call me if its' easier to talk...Love you! I still want to meet Legend....even if it's FaceTime. lol :P
from stardrips :
Please cry out to God for help, laura. He has all the power. He can give you some. Turn to Him. Having a newborn reduces you down to nothing. It’s normal. All moms need help. Ask for help please! Find a postpartum doula!! Love you
from ninabean :
awwww you're the 0-th reader?!?! Figures you can read my stuff but I can't read yours. How do I get in on that? Is there an initiation? Does it involve stuffing marshmallows in my mouth? Please let it involve marshmallows in my mouth! wait i'm gonna try marshmallows as the password.... oh :( ;)
from phenoma :
Hello
from turnaround4u :
sounds perfect for you! :) let me know what happens!
from turnaround4u :
Your description of the city is perfect!! You describes exactly why i get soooo overwhelmed when I go for only 1 day! I cant imagine living there! :) prayers for you!
from blogblah :
it amazes me the things bailey picks up on and says about race already. she asks what color people are (as well as what gender, lol) all the time. she says things like "there was a brown lady and she was so nice" or other things about brown people. but she never says anything about there being a white person. you said i should talk to her about it. in your opinion, what should be said? i think i've talked to her about how it doesn't matter what color a person is because God made all of them on purpose, just like He made her, etc. But she's just curious so I understand that too.
from turnaround4u :
Thanks Laura! What's your girl name?
from blogblah :
so you cracked the screen but it still works or no?
from blogblah :
Sometimes when all we can do is groan in prayer, God understands it exactly as what you need Him to hear. That's not to say that you shouldn't continue to work on praying obviously but just rest at ease knowing he knows exactly what you need, even if you can't say it in words. And on an unrelated note, how in the world did you break your kindle?
from turnaround4u :
Yes, I am so glad to hear about your progress in your kitchen! GO YOU! Is it still clean after 1 week? I was laughing about the dishwasher machine thing--I am like that, too. I cant stand dishes in the sink! Also, how did the cooking on weekkends work? I did that in my old apt. I cooked for 3 hours every Sunday and it was so amazing to have food ALL WEEK! :) I even froze meals in little Ziplocs. I buy tons of Ziploc bags. Hope you like it!
from blogblah :
so glad you felt better yesterday!! it grieves my heart so much to see (hear about?) you sad. i love you friend! hope your christmas was great!!!
from turnaround4u :
ughhh, i hear you with never doing residential again! I will never do inpatient again, like at Devereux. I will still look back on that as the scariest and worst job of my life. lol. those kids are out of control and staff is much worse!
from turnaround4u :
ughhh, i hear you with never doing residential again! I will never do inpatient again, like at Devereux. I will still look back on that as the scariest and worst job of my life. lol. those kids are out of control and staff is much worse!
from turnaround4u :
I agree with Melissa in handling the situation very professionally and being assertive in your email. :) Good job! sounds like your boss responded well! How do people like that keep their jobs? There's def a few crisis workers who escalate the situation rather than helping calm down. Not helpful to overreact.
from blogblah :
wow. some people are so ridiculously inconsiderate. i think the way you worded this email is very professional and your boss will be pleased with how you handled the situation. im sorry you had to deal with that.
from blogblah :
I'm so proud of you!!! That does sound like God clearly speaking to you. Good job, friend.
from blogblah :
have you tried taking your thoughts captive in Jesus name and casting them out? weird question but when I was visiting you once in college, you said you didn't believe in Hell. Is that still true? Do you believe in satan? because i'm fairly certain that's where all these negative thoughts come from. he wants you to hate yourself.
from blogblah :
you're too nice. you made me cry too!
from blogblah :
the storm is supposed to hit the NC coast around saturday, I think. They're saying we probably wont get much of the actual hurricane. We're about 2 hours from the coast so probably we'll get lots of storms and it will be very windy/rainy and possibly some tornadoes. We're so used to getting all this hyped up weather here too but the governor is pretty serious about this one. Not sure. Hopefully nothing major happens. I don't think your building will break but swimmies could be good, just in case. hehe. just pray. love you! and better now than in a few weeks when you're here, right?
from blogblah :
heather had an experience like that. she was cutting and about to go deeper on her wrist when she felt a hand on her shoulder. she turned around and no one was there. but i think (i dont remember so this may be speculation) she knew it was something to do with God and she may have "heard" something in her heart too. but it made her stop when her plan was to kill herself. i definitely believe in that kind of thing. i dont remember your story of that though.
from blogblah :
cleaning supplies?? no no no! i have recipes for natural all purpose cleaners that you might be interested in.
from turnaround4u :
Wow, that sounds incredibly interesting, I wish I could have been there! Good for you for getting prayer. It's funny tome how they clumped mennonites and quakers with mormons--who are normally much more vocal than Menno or quakers. "I am my own God" sounds like mormon, right? I dont know how I would have reacted to ridiculing the cross and jesus...:( very sad
from turnaround4u :
Thanks for the note, laura. I know you were keeoing my best interests at heart and I have been fighting things for a long time. Thanks for saying yes--I'm honored you said yes even with the "rockiness". I just hoped you really like P and it won't make us more distant like becca and JJ did withour friendship. I am excited to think you may be moving closer!!! or with me! :)
from blogblah :
i'm glad monday made things a little better. i always feel better after having been productive too, even if it was forced because of work. thats why being a stay at home mom makes me a little nervous, no forced activities. but who knows, maybe that isn't in the cards for me after all. but goodness gracious, 2 hours to wrap? im like super excited to get this package now, lol.
from blogblah :
"There is a bond I remember having that I don't have anymore, and it feels like death." I'm right there with you, friend.
from blogblah :
i used to take l-lysine too for my fever blisters to try to help prevent breakouts. it did work. haven't taken it in a long time since i've been pregnant or breastfeeding for almost 3 years now. crazy. but it's natural so not like a random chemical drug so it isn't that bad.
from turnaround4u :
YESSS!! That would be an amazing idea Laura!!! Is that possible to change? I thought about it, but didnt think it was possible. Thanks!
from blogblah :
wow laura! that sounds amazing! it sounds like you are definitely in the place that God wants you to be and that's so great. i'm so overjoyed that you were prayed for and able to hear those things. I believe God works through others by the spirit and you definitely needed to hear the things they prayed for you. i'm so happy for you! as far as your questions to me, yes, that's something i've thought of. i have been praying that God's will be done, whatever it is. that we would be prepared for whatever it is, especially if he is out of the army. before he left, he called his mom and dad and told them and his mom said something about was this a good move for his career and i just got so mad. i said "who gives a flying flip about your career if you aren't ALIVE to freaking enjoy it?!?!" and he agreed. financially, it would be hard because he couldn't get all the way through school before the money ran out from his enlistment contract and his only job in the army has been to kill people (blunt but very true) so he's qualified to do not much else. it isn't like other army/military jobs where he's a mechanic or something else he could do out in the civilian world. so financially with two kids and a wife that isn't planning on working, it would be hard. but yeah, i've been leaning lately toward maybe we're done with the army. it would be hard for me too because it offers a lot of security, which is probably hard to understand since it's also very unsecure but it's a life i've always known as well. we'll see!!
from blogblah :
for our family we generally spend $150 on groceries every two weeks, so $300 a month. But that includes about $30 in diapers and other random stuff like toilet paper and stuff. I have the luxury at being able to shop at walmart though. A lot of times, though, because they don't have certain organic stuff that I want, I have to go to the more high end grocery store and probably spend at least $50-100 a month there. As far as how much we eat out... not sure. I've never actually put a price tag on that but some months it's way more than we should. When mike is gone (deployed or otherwise), we definitely eat out less at actual restaurants because I don't go alone with just Bailey. But when he's here, we maybe go to a restaurant once or twice, so $50ish a month? Then there's chinese and pizza, which might be about $20 a month. So I dunno how helpful that was. The other thing about the trash bar. I didn't have time to look at the link so I might not have a good opinion based on my lack of information. I did want to say, though, that I have been to church in a bar before. It's a beach bar right on the beach in Myrtle Beach. I didn't personally enjoy it, but not because it was at a bar. More because the message and the preacher weren't my style. I wouldn't be opposed to going to church in a bar though. But that may be more to it. I love you!
from turnaround4u :
Yes!! I wanna tell you a song that your entry reminds me of...listen on youtube. "I believe" by James Fortune
from blogblah :
i saw the 20/20 episode on that movie so i know the twist but i'd still like to see it. we dont have a trader joes near us but there are a few in charlotte. the ones i've been to, i love. they have choc covered edamame! i like mango too.
from sheaabijah :
i feel like that too laura, and i like that as a way to put it: "i'm fighting for my life." ...there's a song where a guy sings that "she fights for her life as she _______(everything she does that day) and nobody knows."
from blogblah :
oh friend, your poor messed up feet. how did "THE DAY!!!!!" go?? i love you!
from blogblah :
i think it's so funny that you couldn't understand how i could forgive whatever because lawrence has essentially done the same thing for you many times. but you're right. it isn't me. it's what i got from prayer. it's what i feel like, or felt like yesterday, that i was supposed to do. today i woke up feeling angry. i can't help but think that is probably a very normal progression when you're going through what i am. who knows what tomorrow will hold.
from turnaround4u :
I guess it goes back to the question--are we being honest with ourself?
from turnaround4u :
seems like it was a test and you were set up--failed :( fight! AHH! why are we all so confused about men!? We need a sex in the city group to talk! we need to meet for lunch soon! lol...but it all brings me back to your question in college.."how long should you try and when should we realize it's going no where and walk away?" seems like it's making more hurt for everyone...but still we try. is that love OR self hate?
from blogblah :
what!! i need more information than that!
from turnaround4u :
You know, I had NO IDEA all that stuff was going on with you and L when Patrick and I came to visit in November! :( I didnt have time for DL those days, I wish i knew. But it's crazy how I can see you or talk and none of that stuff comes up in convo! WEIRD! I will try to read more now, now that i have free time planned. YAY! Also, how do you find all these volunteer activities? I would love to volunteer to hold babies, but how?
from blogblah :
lol, yep. I think I told her I wished she was your big sister too. Worst experience ever. But this one you're talking about sounds very exciting!
from blogblah :
ohhhhhhh friend! I can SOOOOOO relate to what you were saying about eating a whole bag of candy or whatever it is that your weak spot is. mine is anything sweet and I basically never get sick so there's really nothing to stop me from continuing to eat until I just get really, really, disgustingly full. The only time that I don't feel that way, oddly, is when I'm pregnant. It's much harder to over-eat when I'm pregnant because I do start to feel sick. For some reason when I'm pregnant I have more control. I guess it's mostly because for me, once I've started eating something bad, I reason that I should eat it all so that it will be gone and not there to tempt me later. Because when I'm pregnant I'm not counting calories so it doesn't matter if it's there later, I can eat it. It's strange. I always feel the most comfortable with my body during pregnancy.
from sheaabijah :
<3 to everything that you wrote. i am checking out that book right now on amazon, too :).
from turnaround4u :
Your job sounds amazing!! It seems liek a blessing to so many people in their crucial needs! :) Im proud of you and your passionate heart! It reminds me a little bit of my job at crisis because it's meeting people's immediate needs in hope to change their life. It's pretty awesome when it works out.
from blogblah :
I was just wondering what makes us formulate the pictures that we have too.
from jondavid2010 :
Sorry it's been so long. I haven't been online much for anything but writing recently. I'll catch up soon. Peace.
from turnaround4u :
I love indoor tanning, it seems relaxing and you can see progress so it feels fulfilling to me. I can't beleive you did your first tan at 5 minutes!! I start at 2 minutes (for 1 week!) and get burned. lol. I want your olivey skin! Have you been there again?
from turnaround4u :
You color coordinated?!?! WOW! :P im sorry i kept missing your calls yesterday, but im so glad it sounds like you're doing well. love you! call me back soon!
from jondavid2010 :
I've made it to July 21. I like the direction it's all headed. Very encouraging.
from stardrips :
your entries sound like you're doing much better, laura :)
from jondavid2010 :
Just wanted you to know that I've been reading. I started with "a picture you don't want to see" and have moved forward from there. I want you to know that your struggles are much closer to my heart and experience than you probably guessed. My very close family, as well as members of my church find themselves in similar places as you physically and emotionally. I pray for you, and am glad to know you, sister. Peace.
from blogblah :
I'm so happy to be reading these things! God is soooooo working in your life and you are opening up and doing so much great work yourself. You're on your way back, friend. =)
from jondavid2010 :
Alright. I sent you a lot of pictures. More to come. I'm sure it's more than you intended, but I ope that's okay. They're in chronological order. I promise tomorrow to send you the ones where babies show up.
from jondavid2010 :
I'll send you some pictures before the end of the week. If I forget, send me a note on Sunday to remind me. I erased your email address.
from jondavid2010 :
I'm a little sensitive about mine and Faeria's identities. For various reasons. For example, even on the facebook page I do have, we only have four pictures of Eli and Grace up. So, thouh diaryland may make it seem like I'm displaying my whole life for the world to see, in reality, nobody I actually know reads this or even knows about it. All names and places are made up. But, I'd be willing to email you pictures of whoever you'd like, us or the babies or any character. This would be simply on the condition that A. You assure me that I don't know you and B. You don't share the pictures with others. Would you like me to email you pictures?
from blogblah :
Laura!! I'm so happy to read this! I'm so happy you're talking more and being more outgoing. That's fantastic! You're such an awesome person and if someone doesn't like something you say, it is like you said, that's you, so deal with it. I'm sorry that your picking started again but I have faith that you can quit that too. I love you and am so proud of you. You're so amazing!
from stardrips :
i love ice cream too but i found that eating frozen fruits like blueberries and strawberries with low cal whipped cream tastes good and hits that craving spot sometimes :)
from turnaround4u :
PRAYERS!!!
from blogblah :
Yay!! I'm so happy you were able to decrease your picking. That's a HUGE step! Good job girly!
from stardrips :
*thinking of you*
from stardrips :
*thinking of you*
from jondavid2010 :
I'm interested in reading your writing, if it's allowed. If not, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy it.
from jondavid2010 :
Hi Caralynne
from blogblah :
i'm sad for you, friend. are you still planning to come to NC some time soon?
from turnaround4u :
LOL about our convo posted...i ask you a TON of questions! sorry, that's prob annoying. I never noticed before.
from dented :
thanks. can i read yours?
from blogblah :
Is it interesting? I guess? It's more sad than anything. I wish you weren't always in such pain babe. But I'm glad you and Lawrence can still be together. I just want you to be happy, friend.
from blogblah :
haha, I knew it didn't go together. your house rule is funny. very fair though. i'm glad it didn't turn out to be intentional. heather said she tried to go that route a while ago and that it sucks because its way more painful anyway. i hope it gets better soon! and since it wasn't on purpose, that'd be a cool pic to see, lol. sometimes i'm weird and think scars and stuff like that are cool.
from sheaabijah :
have you ever heard the song "her morning elegance" by oren lavie?? you should youtube it. :)
from turnaround4u :
I feel relieved for your progress and de-cluttering :) realizations...
from stardrips :
good post :)
from turnaround4u :
Who would have thought your jaw thing was wisdom teeth!! Maybe you can have the surgery and use a week or so of sick time for a break from life :)
from blogblah :
just because it's chronic doesn't mean God can't change it. heather has chronic depression too and has been more than fine for almost two years. i know it's hard but keep trying. could there be any other reason for the jaw thing? maybe the anxiety is making it worse but couldnt there be something medically wrong with it that is being exacerbated by the anxiety?
from and-the-way :
thank you. yes, i designed it myself. i sketched the bird in one of my notebooks then stuck it in the corner.
from blogblah :
nope, no alarm
from blogblah :
I think you're beautiful. I'm sorry you aren't doing well. Know that you can always call me and I love you.
from turnaround4u :
Ok, the insurance thing def makes sense! Glad foor your mom! Hooray for the cat slowly coming out. Thanks for the answers! ttys!! Night!
from turnaround4u :
hahaha...i was laughin at teh part about lawrence riding in the back. swallowing the smoke sounds reasonable to me, too! Sorry to hear about your stress with money and bills!! I can't wait to visit. Hopefully soon! you dont always sound totally negative!
from stardrips :
i think its "whatev" or "whatever" :)
from turnaround4u :
Awesome entry Laura! I'm going to write to you in my DL
from turnaround4u :
just a dream. just a dream....I can relate to that. like numbing, distancing yourself? out of body? dissociate? defenses? so hard to bear. but im glad you're getting a lot out of it. I can see you specializing one day--or just being even more smarter than you already are. Both possibly great things.
from stardrips :
sabrina says you can post her email, she's here with me :)
from blogblah :
Awwww Laura, you're too sweet. I'm nothing special though, just doing the things I know are best for her. If your kids have to go to daycare, you can vaccinate but selectively and spread out. There are safe ways to do it but I just feel like since she isn't as exposed and half of those illnesses aren't even around anymore, she can wait until a year or so.
from turnaround4u :
sounds exciting!! big changes...i love hearing about the city and what's going on lady.
from turnaround4u :
Oh, she reacted by first acting surprised like, "you can't give your phone number to clients?" Then she was sucking up. Saying I am absolutely right, it won't happen again, she never thought of the dangers before. I am her favorite person to work with and she doesn't wanna disappoint me. Then she begged me not to tell anyone--especially our boss. She even offered to call out boss and leave him a vm now if I wanted her to. AHHH!
from turnaround4u :
im was just saying when and 8 year old calls you at 2am, accusations can fly. especially when you're in the middle of a huge, messy divorce with your husband already trying to make up stories about you....her husband would eat it up. UGH! RISKY! thanks for your advice lady!
from turnaround4u :
your job sounds like chaos!! It's funny because I have applied for MA level jobs in NJ as well and I got one call back from camden. They said I need my LPC. I'm realizing i will so much more open to me with an lpc...and it's tough to know what God wants you to do, but it sounds like a soild plan for now. Apply everywhere and see what happens.
from stardrips :
no i didn't get it :( can you resend it? 207-415-3369 :)
from stardrips :
cool! if i got a tattoo, it'd be of stars :)
from stardrips :
what's your tattoo of? :)
from blogblah :
i laughed out loud when u said about a mouse crawling across your feet because i could see/hear your scream. what date does the binder of journal printouts i made you end? i'm sorry i never call, i do love you though and i miss you.
from sheaabijah :
yay! that all sounds encouraging! :) the only thing i would caution you about is telling yourself you have to work out EVERY day for 21 days...that might be setting yourself up for "failure" to follow through b/c that's hard to do with scheduling and allowing for body rest, etc. ... i know for me, if i set that goal and then didn't make it, i might be tempted to feel like "f it, why even bother." but for you, maybe you need to do it every day to stay consistent? idk. everyone's different. for me though, instead of having an amount of days committed to, i just tell myself that working out is part of my lifestyle ALWAYS now, and it's a way that i give my mental health physical thereapy, lol ... so i just have a goal of getting there 3-4 times a week, in general. and i almost always do. but if i said to myself "must go 6 days a week" or something, i would just end up feeling like i was falling short of my goal all the time.....so glad you'r e feeling less blue!
from sheaabijah :
well the brand i buy is from the health food store near me that manufactures their own brand...but you can find "stress" formulas or ones called "adrenal support" in a lot of brands...just make sure it has all the Bs, lots of C, and magnesium... i would even ask a person who works there to recommend something...
from turnaround4u :
how are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
from sheaabijah :
oh laura :( i feel for you. i cried when i read it.
from turnaround4u :
I think was a very interesting post. look at you outlining life after graduation! lol. :) YAY!
from turnaround4u :
YAY for Lawrence going to JAmacia with you! :P That's such happy news!!!
from sheaabijah :
congratulations!!! i can't believe you guys both have your masters now! it seems like just yesterday we graduated EU...but, alas, it really HAS been 4 years...oh well. i'm behind but maybe i'll get there someday!
from turnaround4u :
I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at you graduating with your MASTER'S!!!!
from turnaround4u :
goodluck on your test!!! I always used to silently pray when i got the test. Just take breathes and pray "god I know I know this stuff. I heav read everything. I have studied. It's in my brain somewhere. Please help me to relax enough to remember this stuff. Please help me remember" It worked a lot of times....:) goodluck
from fruitfacts :
thanks! im excited! you know that pregnancy mommy book journal thing you got for melissa (i think you got it for her)? where did you get it?
from stardrips :
laura... :(
from blogblah :
Oh my laura, i just read what he wrote and ouch. Are you ok?
from turnaround4u :
That is a lot of people at your graduation!! :) guess we all love you and are proud of you!!! I hope I get to meet B. :) Glad you are finished 1 paper and have the rest all lined up. I remember that stage. Americore sounds AMAZING! Kim (my friend from Africa) did Americore, so she got me thinking about it, too. I never researched it yet. Cool!!!
from sheaabijah :
yeah, planet fitness is where i've been a member for a while...i got super lucky though and i locked in when it was new-ish in our area, and i payed something like $40 startup, and now just $10 a month, FOREVER. it's crazy good. and rachael joined PF a few months ago too. Thanks for the tip! :)
from turnaround4u :
Wow is right. lol....no wonder you and Melissa are such bff. I never e ven thought of half those questions. Curious Laura! :P I love you. Hope you're feeling ok today. No that I'm on American time again, I def wanna catch up with you soon!!
from turnaround4u :
it's hard to tell why im so anxious to go home. I think it's mostly because everyone else is leaving now, too and it seems like the right timing. But then again, I was ready to leave when the first group left as well. With people coming and going, it makes it hard. But 8 weeks was def a great amount of time to be here in the culture. I might do 3 months or longer if the next trip is Christian and has everyone her for the same time. It would be awesome! What did you think reading his email to me? date??
from turnaround4u :
lol--a fake British accent would be amazing! lol. Good idea...i should have thought of that 8 weeks ago! :) Moving in with Lana sounds like such a blesssssing. What craziness with your exam!
from turnaround4u :
i will be praying for you as well--although your test is over already! AHH! (I read your entry too late) but never too late for prayers. I love how your dad was so supportive. Very sweet. what is doctor? Dude...I emailed dr sees to tell him im not going. He wrote me one sentence back. sorrrrrry! :(
from turnaround4u :
doctor?
from turnaround4u :
ps--thanks for all the encouragement and help with JA. AHHH! good luck on your paper!
from turnaround4u :
yes, that is so amazingly great news! :) Plus ,the numbers cracked me up--I write way too much....and I started 3 years after you!! lol It's great that you guys introduced me to this addiction, but I love it!
from stardrips :
wow, laura! that's so great and amazing and nice of him! i'm so happy for you. i could feel the mercy coming from him. i'm so glad you experienced that. it's so yummy. mercy :) but props to you for having all the right answers anyway :D
from turnaround4u :
you're so into babies right now instead of school! lol...jk. I'm praying for you. You are SO CLOSE TO MASTER'S DEGREEEEEE! My friend went to Rider and took the Comp exam in less than 2 hours and she passed. Hopefully it will be simple for you as well. It's your gift/passion.
from turnaround4u :
i still want to write in DL--it really helps me deal with thinking/reflecting/and sorting my life. Sometimes i feel for reassurance in here, too. it's everywhere I go. I will just keep writing and catch myself in the act. stop it. although i also value your opinions. it's tricky!
from sheaabijah :
so, by saying that, you're literally telling us that when you typed that entry, bailey was sliding down melissa's vagina? b/c that's what the "birth canal" is... ? LOL. i don't think you could have said it in a grosser way...or wait, maybe i just did...anyway ~ yay!! i wanna see pics but i can't log into myspace very well from any of the computers i use :(
from turnaround4u :
possibly graduation?! :) it's a huge deal!!! can you believe you're almost finished?!
from sheaabijah :
nope, you're not. the end.
from stardrips :
how are you doing?
from turnaround4u :
I'm really excited, too!!!!!!!! :) YAY!
from turnaround4u :
im really glad to read everything. it sounds like you have a really good outlook/attitude and i'm happy you are at peace about it. you guys love each other so much :)
from turnaround4u :
ARE YOU OK!?!??
from stardrips :
wow, laura! i hope you do end up together...
from turnaround4u :
I'm happy for you, too! you feel more alive now?
from fruitfacts :
i get that. i am happy about that for you. it hurts to be alive but i never realized that there is also a lot of joy that you dont get being dead.
from turnaround4u :
im going to comment on myspace, but not sure what i thnk of vaccines.
from turnaround4u :
how was your interview? test results?!? jamaica?!
from turnaround4u :
wow--adhd!?! I'll def look it up. Sorry I missed your call this morning. My boss was right there. I was happy you called though! We don't talk nearly enough. Hopefully we can catch up soon!
from turnaround4u :
Good explanation Sabrina, I can truly relate to that comment as well because routine helps, but it also self-sabotage me from fear that things are going so well. Laur---I will be so exicted to see how things go with your new plan and homework. Hopefully it will help TONS and you'll feel like you have some control over you life. I can relate to wasting time in the internet and other activities--feeling like im not really living life. Sometimes I think that's why i work so much because it makes me feel more alive and worthwhile. like im doing something rather than just sitting at home. Although those times at home are so important, too. I hope your results of your labs are ok!! PS--I laughed so hard when I read Lawrence's response to the basket. lol. I'm glad you liked it...I forgot he loves ceramics like me. :)
from sheaabijah :
i can relate to a lot of that...not that it will mean anything until it's real for you, but it HAS helped me so much to have regular sleeping/working/self-care routines in my life. i still go through short periods every now and then where depression will overwhelm me and i'll neglect that stuff, but overall, as my life has gotten more consistent and whatever, i do feel better. it's like a cycle...you do something good for yourself and then you feel a little better so then you do it again and it perpetuates itself. although i totally understand self-sabotage and feelings of unworthiness etc. and i do have days where i think i subconsciously try to upset the whole balance of my life b/c on some level i just don't think it should be going as well as it is. like i can't accept grace or blessings. and fear is a huge factor in everything too...like, every once in a while, when i get to a place where i feel scarily on top of my game with making good choices, i start to get really scared of that lack of a *high* feeling, because when my life is chaotic and drama-filled, there's horrible awful lows, but there's also these breathtaking, heart-beat-quickening highs...and i start to get scared of the calm. so i'll fuck stuff up. and also (this is becoming a book of a comment) sometimes i get scared that if i really clear away the metaphorical, emotional clutter that i'm so accustomed to, what will i have to face then?
from turnaround4u :
I'm so sorry, too! A LOT OF STUFF! I will def keep praying for everyone. I have been meaning to talk to Lawrence, too but I dind't know how or what to say. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. ANYTHING!
from sheaabijah :
i'm so sorry! was it sudden or expected? tough either way :(
from stardrips :
who died?!?
from sheaabijah :
wow, that's so funny to me that you bought a pair of size 7 jeans! not that that's huge at all, it's just funny b/c that's probably the same size i am...who would have ever thought we'd both be the same size? i thinned and you thickened, meeting in the middle, lol...yeah, i thought you looked great when i saw you at stephanie's ~ i'm glad you can gain weight and know that you still look good etc. and aren't riddled with typical fears about needing to maintain the same weight for your whole life!!
from turnaround4u :
hooray for 4.0 and 2 more class! :)
from turnaround4u :
Congrats for completing the semester!! :) I hope you get a pay raise. Seems like everyone's unsettled right now with all the changes at their job. My sister and Lisa (both case managers) are getting huge changes at their job and they are job searching, too. Maybe it will be perfect timing for you because you graduate so soon :)
from turnaround4u :
yes!
from turnaround4u :
Oh cool--you woudl be good at that! Hey Laura, is English as a second language is a MA degree, too?! I think my cousin got her MA in English as a second language teacher...I'm not sure. Neat dude! PS--I added 1 paragraph to the end of the entry I wrote Friday night. It's like the 2nd or 3rd entry from the bottom. Can you please give me thoughts (in email or private DL) if you have them or had a similar experience?! Thanks!
from turnaround4u :
An MA in english!?! I could see you being a writer or journalist one day...Like Carrie on Sex and the City. lol. You know what's funny? Last night at dinner Josh said that Dr. Kieve reminds him of you. Her body stature and glasses. Him and I both agreed we could see you being a pscyhiatrist one day :) It's awesome to think about higher education. For now, I don't really think about it. I spent a lot of time working on my strengths and I think it's time to work on some of my weaknesses. :P Plus, I have a dream of going back to school in my 50's after my kids are grown. I'm happy with education right now :)
from blogblah :
laura how did we not know he wasn't insane? he's CRAZY. i think i know you well enough to know you aren't gonna do these things so michelle's comment made me laugh. wow, just wow. he's crazy. i think i knew it all along though. just not to this level. just wow. it's so ryan and i'm kind of not surprised.
from turnaround4u :
Who is he???!?! I hove NO IDEA who he is. Laura, I think it's so spiteful and immature. I hope and pray you will not do this. I told Cindy about the idea and she said you could report this to the police. lol. Don't ruin your life for something totally unrelated to you. You have a great life and are ready to graduate!! Mind your business. That's my opinion. What's on your mind?
from sheaabijah :
oooohhhh...oh man that is not on my list of movies to ever see...
from sheaabijah :
what movie did you see in theaters that you're talking about with michelle? i'm nosy about movies.
from turnaround4u :
What a tale! I can't imagine that....it's good you had a cup or something. I agree with Sabrina--cars should have curtains! gross. lol
from blogblah :
laura i just love you. i have to say though, that i'm pretty sure i didn't smell it. i looked at it, studied it a bit, but didn't smell it because pee is one of the very few things that comes out of me that i actually don't enjoy the smell of. but wow, great story.
from sheaabijah :
wow. for real, i think only you (that *i* know...i'm sure there are others in life) would have that happen to them and then tell people. hahahaha...the part i can't get over is just the being willing to poop in your car with people walking by...(why don't cars have curtains? they should)...you literally COULDN'T hold it until you got to a bathroom?
from turnaround4u :
im writing to you in my dl entry today...check it out! too much to leave in a note :)
from sheaabijah :
oh laura...i can't wait for the day you start believing that you're worth fighting for.
from turnaround4u :
hooray for updates, and re-claiming your life. FYI...7mg is a HUGE amount...careful girl! you would definitely feel withdrawal sym if you were addicted. it's a lot slower acting than xanax and some benzos. you prob know that already? i love you
from turnaround4u :
good job with the plug for jamaica!! :P it would be amazing for all of us to go!
from turnaround4u :
oh laura lu...sorry chica. sounds crazy and sad. i'm here for you :@
from stardrips :
are you still not coming to NY? did you drop a class?
from turnaround4u :
What a rediculous night! But it makes me laugh so hard because I love your carefree, but safe nature. lol...sleep instead of drunk drive. vomit and not care. breakfast with wet dress and not care. vomit in car. EWWW! lol. Thank god you didn't get raped! Man, glad you didn't get arrested, too! What a day...sounds exhausting!
from sheaabijah :
wow. that is kind of the funniest story i've heard in a long time! not funny like typically you think of funny i guess, but like, omg could ONE MORE THING have happened to you? too cute.
from turnaround4u :
amen to rachael. lol. Sounds like a good idea idea idea idea....I dropped Edgar-smith's class when I first saw the syllabus. She's hard core, but I took it in the spring that i graduated and it was much more managable...maybe because I knew what to expect and got over the shock! lol. You have tons on your list!
from sheaabijah :
i'm sad that you're not coming. i understand, but i'm sad anyway. i feel like we need to reconnect!
from stardrips :
i hope for your sanity's sake that you do drop a class and i hope that you'll be able to come to NY afterall for our sanity's sake :)
from turnaround4u :
WTH? Why wouldn't they let you change one of your fab 5's???? I'm sorry, but that's so dumb. It had barely started. Wow...hopefully you can work it out instead of barfing on them. lol. I'm excited to text, call you now! lol
from turnaround4u :
I KNOW there is a purpose to your pain...in more than one way Laura. Dream about the day you will come home to your loving family, after you are Master Laura....relax! Play with the baby. SLEEEEEP! :P Think of all the years ahead you have to enjoy after this stressful couple. you are almost finished school!!! Sorry to hear your dread tomorrow. goodluck!
from turnaround4u :
YESSSSS! lol. I couldn't help myself! I love them. How was wrestling?
from turnaround4u :
I love how you reviewed the info you know about P. lol...I always do that, too--it gives an intro for us all. ha! HAVE FUN TONIGHT!! Hope you guys have a great time. Haven't seen any of those movies, but I'm glad to see your update! :@ ttyl
from turnaround4u :
Thanks for the flashback...that was before I knew you. Makes me want to read all your other entries. I loved the entries that didn't seem to make sense. I just wanted to note that it's been 6 years and it still seems to be one of his main fears/issues. I wonder what issues are in my life that I have had for YEARS...hmmm. This is why DL is helpful!
from turnaround4u :
haha! that is crazy, you had a nice little episode. I thought your bed was low framed?! good you guys finally figured it out! a dying cat?!?!?? lol
from turnaround4u :
how was work
from turnaround4u :
eww bedbugs! I know it sounds rediculous, but I would want a full body coverage. If your job expects you to go there knowing the risks, they should either, 1. offer you full protective plastic wear. (like a beehive owner) OR 2. sign a contract to pay for you to buy all new furniture/clothes/etc if you get them. The risk is def not worth it...sounds so expensive and they are way more contagious than lice! EW! I would gag. wed sounded fun, too!
from turnaround4u :
Three things: 1. that website looks so awesome! 2. You car ordeal is horrendous, plus i didnt even notice damage when i saw your car the other week. i can't believe the hastle of one car accident. Sometimes certain car rental places will lower their charge for the rental car if you choose a company the insurance reccommends...or else possibly rent it in your mom's name? I know when I rented a car, the insurance reimbursed me for $19.99/day and the car place wanted $25/day....when I told them insurance would only give me $19.99/day, they lowered the price for me. I think it was enterprize. somehow they worked it out. That sucks you're not 25 yet!! This all stinks. Personally, I would wait until my birthday to get it fixed so i could save the extra money because it's so close!! 3. the job you applied for looks AWESOME! you will make more money than i do with my MASTER'S!!!! I am so jealous, I def need to get out of this pay rate and keep looking for jobs. I might even try to find a job before I leave for africa so i know i have one when i get back?!?! IDK! Glad you're feeling a lot better! :P
from sheaabijah :
wow, your life sounds crazy and stressful right now! hope stuff settles down as you get your car fix and get back into your routine! :-) and PS i would LOVE to hear what you have to say as feedback on my crazy life!
from turnaround4u :
not boring at all...I LOVE that random crap. lol...a couple made me laugh really hard because it's the way you think. PS--my birthday is before sabrina's. I wouldn't take 60 credits either if NY doesn't require it. You have LESS THAN A YEAR of school!!! You and Lawrence at professional wrestling makes me laugh so hard! lol. pushups is funny, too. I think all those exercize machines look so fun on tv...I almost bought that red dot chair. Never saw the ab rocket. NC and JA sounds really fun...I just don't know if I can afford them. I think that's why I haven't responded to your email yet, but I cancelled the beach in july with my other people so I can have more money for NC if I go. Although I really want to visit Steph and Brian, too. Maybe in Sept or Oct? That shouldn't be hard. Hope you feel like you get a lot accomplished tody!
from turnaround4u :
That's so exciting and the apartment looks really nice...the website does, too! Sounds like a good plan. I can't even imagine how some people have to support family, too. It would def be stressful and difficult. R does that, too. I used to wonder how he does it and never gets angry--but he def got angry at me for thinking differently than him about money. ANyway, It sounds like a really exciting opportunity for you guys! Save some room for me! (occasionally of course. lol) Isn't it funny how timing seems to work itself out?? (or God works it out I mean) You're finishing your MA in perfect timing! :P
from sheaabijah :
hi laura lou...hope your recovery is going well! i was watching a tv show today and the woman on it was wearing YOUR SHIRT! the one that says "please don't eat me, i love you!" with the pig. i smiled. :-)
from sheaabijah :
omg laura!! what an ordeal! i hope your recovery is going well :-(
from turnaround4u :
i wrote my new entry to you
from turnaround4u :
YES!!!! thx for the comment Laura lu!
from turnaround4u :
Oh Laura, that SUCKS!!! Sorry to hear that--it's frustrating beyond belief to know that dishonest people win out sometimes...I hope your insurance company fights back. That's supposed to be their job--to hear your story and fight for you. Too bad there were no witnesses! His story doesn't even make sense. I hate how the police sometimes take the older person's facts to be more true....
from turnaround4u :
Thanks for your comment, I def want to make it an issue not to isolate myself. I wanted to talk with you sooooo badly yesterday. What did you and lawrence really think? (you say lawrence is good at reading people) Did you pick up on some of the things I talked about or am I just paranoid? I hope to talk with you sometime soon. Thanks gf!
from turnaround4u :
:) you are correct.
from sheaabijah :
i'm sorry :-(. you are loved.
from sheaabijah :
wow. do you have sick time you can take for the recovery period? that sounds like kind of intense surgery.
from sheaabijah :
wow. so how will they treat it?
from turnaround4u :
sooooo frustrating laura! thank goodness it wasn't cancer! that's rediculous!
from turnaround4u :
I can't either. holy cow. i'm like dying just from reading that. You not callin?
from sheaabijah :
omg. wow. blast from the past is blasting pretty hard, huh? i can't believe that "quote"!
from turnaround4u :
That is so crazy!! wow. i agree with sabrina's interpretations. It seems like he really was a sheep though--scared, timid, bashful. who knows!
from sheaabijah :
wow! that's weird. either that he feels like he's gone spiritually astray, or that he regrets not getting with you when he had the chance? IDK...can you email with him now? or is it not worth it anymore?
from sheaabijah :
really? i thought for some reason that you guys had talked about it. hmm.
from carallyne :
aw i wish i had known b/c i always wanted somene with trich to relate to...
from sheaabijah :
aimee nelson...red hair...lived on our hall in hainer...love her. she pulls from her head, not sure if from anywhere else...or even if she still does, for that matter! i assume she probably still struggles with it though, since it doesn't seem like something people get over quickly...
from sheaabijah :
hahaha...i can't believe i pulled that off! and got a B+! speaking of psychodermatological things...i read an article about trich the other day and it made me think about you and aimee...do you find you pull more or pick more? i'm interested in reading more about it.
from sheaabijah :
so do you think you guys will start talking or hanging out again? i bet baby B is beautiful and big these days!
from blogblah :
but your font or screen or something about your diary makes my eyes hurt.
from blogblah :
laura!!! i want you to be friends with lana again and hang out with her so that i can be friends with her too. i just love her! she's so very sweet. ok that's random, i know. but i do. and you do too, you love her. and you love me and we all love each other with our crazy clothes in high school in her room. remember that? lana with a bra on her head and you with a weird bathing suit outside your clothes. ahh those were the days.
from turnaround4u :
hmmm
from turnaround4u :
what a nightmare. omg. can the health system get themsleves together while people die? (i know im being overly-dramatic, but geeeeeeez) and WOW about your first entry
from sheaabijah :
i JUST TODAY read a thing in a magazine about how protein deficiency affects hair loss (as well as iron deficiency i'm sure) - it said to try to get 150 grams of protein a day if you're losing a lot of hair...that might be hard for you since you don't eat meat, but obviously there are other protein sources too...maybe you could try those high protein nutrition bars?
from turnaround4u :
scary laur...i hope the iron works! I'm worried about you, but I guess worry doesn't help. I will be praying.
from turnaround4u :
yeah, it was a short marriage, I heard about that. so sad. things are happening all over the place man! I found a couple of my HS friends that got married...it's crazy! Funny you remember people how you last saw them.
from sheaabijah :
awww, what happened with B.D.'s marriage? I HATE all the bad marriage/seperation/divorce happenings i'm hearing lately! it makes it so hard to hope for a happy future, and i imagine will make it hard to trust my husband one day!!!
from turnaround4u :
haha--"why not"
from turnaround4u :
OH LAURA!!! What a disater! What the heck are you going to do about your phone!?? Oh man, that SUCKS! I can't believe you drove all the way home and then back. HOW MISERBALE!
from turnaround4u :
She's CUTE!! :) Wow, she looks big and healthy! Almost 9 pounds--scary!!
from turnaround4u :
thanks gf! I'm glad you and Law are going!! See you there--can I sit with you?
from sheaabijah :
yeah i'm not going...i meant to RSVP or at least myspace him but it kept slipping my mind ~ sorry to jim!!!!!i would get on myspace now and message him, but my work internet blocks myspace. tell him i'm sorry but i hope he has a wonderful wedding day!!!!
from turnaround4u :
OMG--seriously, you should NOT have to pay for the extra 2 visits. I would call the admin office and discuss the situation. That sucks, I can see why you are FRUSTRATED! Dang man. anyway, YAY for Jamaica and goodluck on your internal promotion. YOU CAN DO IT! That's def exciting....have fun in NYC
from turnaround4u :
Oh laura, I love you. good thought and expression in your email...but you were always so good at writing. I cried at the proud part, and all the encouragement and empowerment after that. you are such a kind-hearted person.
from sheaabijah :
i'm registered green so i can't vote in either the democratic or republican primaries. did you vote?
from stardrips :
back to my last comment, remember 'the prodigal son' story too
from blogblah :
yeah, you don't want endometriosis. from what i hear, it's painful when it acts up and like you said, many women can't have kids because of it. the quads mom had it and had several miscarriages before they finally adopted embryos (the quads). good luck babe, i hope it's nothing.
from turnaround4u :
HOW THE HECK WAS THE DOCTOR?!?!
from blogblah :
i think you can do it too and i'm proud of you for believing in yourself. we're here for you.
from turnaround4u :
"God doesn't choose people depending on how many times they succeed or fail, he chooses people on how well His glorious attributes can be displayed in them!"
from turnaround4u :
Amen to Rach's comment. You know what?? Church today was called "Battling the Lies of Inadequacy". How appropriate, eh? Exodus 4. We broke it down into lies we believe at the core...1. I'm a nobody. I tired and failed already. people will reject me. God could never use me in this condition. 2. I have no one's respect--who's going to listen to me. "who am I Lord?!?!" We feel useless. We think other people can see right through us. God is with you! 3. I'm not the best perosn for the job. I'm worthless. everyone else is so much better than me. NNNNNNNNNNNNNO! God is here. Esp in your trials and pain--He is here. Hope that helps. Sounded inspiring this morning. He chose you. All things ar epossible in Him who strengthens you...but this is not to say you shouldn't lighten the burden if you are too overwhelmed--you know yourself. Love you!
from stardrips :
he is faithful when we are faithless. this is what he's here for. when you don't deserve him or his help to the nth degree. call on him. he's rich in love and mercy and power for you. he knows where you are.
from turnaround4u :
yeah, I meant outpatient. I consider that my "internship" sorry i was transerring that to you, too! hooray!
from turnaround4u :
Hooray--you started your internship!!!! How do you like it?!?!?
from turnaround4u :
YAY! :)
from turnaround4u :
no it's the same 3letters
from sheaabijah :
awww, i'm sorry you are sick :-( that sucks.
from turnaround4u :
Glad you took time off work to care for yourself, sounds like it was pretty bad! 103! WOW! I usually don't get sick, so it would have killed me. Ugh! kinda am glad I left a little early. I can't believe you got so sick!
from turnaround4u :
How's the temperature? What did it top off at? I HATE the flu, but I hope you get R&R missing work...UGH!
from stardrips :
sorry you are so sick! hope you get really better really soon!
from blogblah :
i did NOT give you permission to post out conversation. hehe, jk, i was gonna suggest that you do just that to make it easier for you.
from sheaabijah :
haha...thanks laura...good to know that most people do have cellulite, and that you're embracing it! D touches and spanks my ass a LOT lately, so i guess he can't be too repulsed by the whole thing ;)
from stardrips :
haha, i don't know if i could ever say i love my ass.... it's funny that you titled that "butts" :)
from turnaround4u :
I do wanna come still--in fact i even told my Dana family no to babysitting friday night because i was going to see you. i can help you do things...we can clean, and be very goal oriented and GET THINGS DONE! :)
from blogblah :
I don't think it sounds like an overreaction. Sounds perfectly normal to me. I was gonna suggest you have someone do it. I was gonna say I'd do it but that's kinda silly since they might ask questions I don't know and your mom is clearly the best alternative. I'm sorry it's so hard. I love you!
from turnaround4u :
*hug*--i love you
from stardrips :
you might hate me for saying this, but i really think you should be on medication at the very least. there should be no question about that.
from turnaround4u :
any teacher response yet?
from turnaround4u :
so it's good you have people to notice changes in you...yeah, i dont talk to you NEARLY ENOUGH! :( miss it! Anyway, Lancaster is about 2 hours from my house (it's closer to middle-eastern PA), about 90 min from Eastern and Philly. you will prolly never go there with me--I usually go for the farm agriculture and the Amish. Plus the Lancaster outlets are good shopping.
from fruitfacts :
well nothing spectacular happened that caused me to do it. at least that i remember. i never remember when i get bad why i did. my brain just doesnt work that way.
from fruitfacts :
i dont remember. i never remember that stuff.
from turnaround4u :
**THE WEDDING!!!!** I'm such a bad friend that i forgot gf! HOW WAS IT?!?
from fruitfacts :
like a week
from fruitfacts :
ok. thanks for the christmas card.
from turnaround4u :
sure--i will delete them...and sorry, not trying to worry you. It makes perfect sense what you said about it coming and going all the time and changing sizes. :) i'm rooting for you
from blogblah :
i know it's hard not to worry and it's easy for me to tell you not the worry but here's the thing. i really really really think you're fine. sure, i have no basis for that conclusion. but stuff like this happens to people all the time and i think you're fine. really, but i'll pray anyway. try not to worry too much beautiful girl!
from turnaround4u :
exactly--those dimensions is what i was focusing on...and the fact that the first test says 2.3 by 1.7 and the second one says 5 by 2.6 by 3cm--that's a HUGE difference. (double it's size on one side) And the fact that they changed the diagnosis to possibly malignant shows they are seeing the growth in the cells, too--so i dont know why they would say it's unchanged?? seems like typo. You should DEF ask your surgeon! good observation gf! love ya
from fruitfacts :
talk about what?
from fruitfacts :
i locked my diary so i am just tell you my password is heather2 so if you still want to look at it. i got some message from a stranger and i didnt like that.
from turnaround4u :
I'm so worried for you!! It's been GROWING every month!!! by like twice it's size...that's def a bad sign. I'm just thankful you kept pursuing tests and thankful they've been monitoring it. Man, if I was you, I might consider taking the whole mass out so you don't need surgery AGAIN in the same spot...what you think? SEEMS SCARY LAURA! I will def pray for you and please be pushy with your treatment. the fact that it's growing every month needs you should get it taken out soon!...i'm not a doctor, but it sounds serious. maybe i'm being dramatic? glad it's in good hands though--esp God's.
from turnaround4u :
I have a crack on my car winshield, too!! WHAT THE HECK?!?! ahhh, was yours vandalism??
from blogblah :
That's so amazing!!! I'm so proud of you Laura! Yay yay yay yay yay!
from turnaround4u :
thanks laura lu...I hope so, too! It is really messed up. And after this holiday, I garauntee a new year will equal new friends. It's just SO HARD to meet new people sometimes, but whatever. I loved the codes you incoprporated. creative! lol...I can't believe your luck with your teacher, esp because you hate the teacher thing! But I'm glad you finally had a way to talk about things and seems like you're heading for the right track now. Almost like you were finally "heard". I hope you get some things settled gf! And enjoy the holidays! Yay for the gym. Go you! :P Ps--you NEVER have typos. haha. PPS--I will be thinking and praying for you with the Dr results! SCARY!!!
from stardrips :
i'm glad that that happened with your professor. i hope you do get to talk to a counselor. :)
from turnaround4u :
no miracle
from turnaround4u :
no little elisha
from turnaround4u :
I figured it wasn't meant to be funny, i just never saw anyone put so much thought into death and so much creativity. I was thinking though--if you die, you'll never get to marry Law, "the most amazing bf ever" OR have beautiful mixed babies.
from turnaround4u :
LOL to your sick humor. ALthough it prob wasn't supposed to be funny--so LOL to MY sick humor. and sorry for laughing. LOL I like the creativity.
from sheaabijah :
oh laura...i have experienced terrible depression and anxiety in my life, but i don't think as chronic-ly as you have, nor as acute for many years (i would say the worst time for me was a 6 week or so period when i was 12...i truly wanted to die and i almost can't stand to think about it bc if i do i can almost remember the clarity of the feelings, and i can't bear it). but i do sometimes feel it creeping on me, and even tho this probably sounds SOOOOOO trite, it helps me to meditate on the bible verse that says "god has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind." GOD HATES when/that you feel these things and it is not of him...he has given you a sound mind and wants you to eventually feel the full effects of THAT. even if you can't feel it inside YOU, i want you to know that i have hope for you one day walking in full victory of the fullness of life and vibrancy that god created in you.
from turnaround4u :
aww! Law came over t help you say awake?!?! I LOVE IT! I hope you got finished, but you sound INCREDIBLY busy and the stress must be through the roof! Just keep thinking it's almost over!! I hope you have a good day and can look forward to SLEEP soon!
from turnaround4u :
WAHOO! :P hooray for happy memories and finishing work!! I hope you're able to see the light soon! It's almost thurs! YAY!
from sheaabijah :
nope. it feels indefinable what we are...we're more than friends but less than lovers...idk :-)
from turnaround4u :
Oh man!! It does seem like it could be panic...sorry to hear you're really feeling like falling apart. I wish I would have read this DL last night because I would have come over and stayed with your last night!! I had off today until 6...but I hope you're relaxing today. HOT BATH!??? HOT CHOCOLATE?? I love you!
from sheaabijah :
i'm so sorry you're feeling that way. i am praying for you. you are deeply loved.
from turnaround4u :
WHAT!?!? I missed all your medical stuff this week! How are you1?!?! get a biopsy!
from turnaround4u :
cool laur! :P I'll help pray for ya
from turnaround4u :
wahoo you updated, sorry to hear you're so stressed with finding a counselor...:( but the volunteer thing looks awesome! I wanna look at the site tomorrow when i get home from work.
from blogblah :
i really miss your entries. i want you to write again!
from turnaround4u :
i know--right? But im just praying this is the truth this time. He said he just hates telling people how old he is because then they're like, "Oh you're so young--so you just wanna party!" NOOO--"how can you be a dr so young?" idk, i believe him now...more genuineness.
from turnaround4u :
what do you mean--i cant break the code...lol
from stardrips :
i'm pretty good, i think...nothing bad to speak of :) you?
from turnaround4u :
ps--taht was the longest paragraph of my life just you describing your bed...LOL cute like a little kid story
from turnaround4u :
you know your situation with L reminds me of my situation with Brandon. How do best/really good friends just stop talking? And how do you get over the awkwardness--even years later? And how are you and I just supposed to be FINE when we did everything possible to talk it out and they ignored/shunned us. EWWWW--the whole situation still pisses me off and I'm going to Canada with him for 5 days! AWKWARD! How do you have fun with someone you really can't trust, talk to--someone who betrayed you? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I feel your pain with the off and on bitterness...I know he still understands me better than anyone else--that's what makes it even more awkward!
from stardrips :
why "laura rhymer" for facebook? did you get married? :) you're lucky sabrina knows lawrence's last name...it's a cool last name :)
from turnaround4u :
good update! wasn't the picnic in CT? Not nyc? I'm so confused where the picnic was!! lol...(but i guess it's trivial)
from turnaround4u :
nm--can you delete my last comment? I was not making sense in my sense...i understand why you dont like to talk about that stuff...esp the lawrence thing. idk why i brought it up. YAY for Jamaica in March! :P
from turnaround4u :
yeah--becareful with klon! :P Let me know how it works for ya, we have so many people addicted to it at crisis that we dont even prescribe it anymore...but sometimes it helps so much! I hope it helps dude! I would have been scared to death with ur client situation, but it sounds like you handled it well by ending the session. Was that ok with your supervisor? I wanna hear about more stories! man I feel like you dont share work stories or sex stories anymore because you feel weird (but I can understand the sex thing)--dont stop sharing allllll parts of your life with us! :( i love your stories
from turnaround4u :
Awww--sorry you felt guilty. I really didn't think it was anything shocking or absurd at all. In fact, I thought you held a lot back compared to what you could have shared. In fact, I thought I was sharing TOO MUCH because you were so quiet...I was proud of you. (but curious at the same time) but I respect the fact that you want to put lawrence's needs first. Of course they are most important dude. Let me know when pics are ready!!:) YAY for updates...
from stardrips :
does that mean you got the new pics up too? or you just talking about your old ones? what's the site address?
from turnaround4u :
ok, thanks for the heads up--that stinks--i was super excited...but it's all cool. Im not going anywhere and it's nice your mom might be abel to help! :)
from turnaround4u :
awww laur--i just read this today...call me if you need me, too! I think it's great you're looking and I hope you find someone good!
from blogblah :
the poem is good... i'm sorry you're feeling that way though. maybe start counseling again? couldn't hurt, right? i love you, call me if you need me!
from stardrips :
i think i said you'd be rolling your eyes at all the silly boy talk but maybe not :)
from turnaround4u :
so first of all--i said i would to JA with you, and you said you felt bad going because you wanted to take lawrence to barbados first...in fact, you backed out on me last minute after i already bought my ticket. soooo i went to jamaica alone again, and got stranded with Raymond....while he worked the ENTIRE TIME. meanwhile, you and i could have gone to see kerryann. I guess i do feel a little bitter about the way you explained it to melissa...because I wish you would have gone. I know you quit your job and you didnt have money at the time....im not blaming you--i just kind of remember it differently than you i guess. :( it just makes me feel like your excuses were just a cover up for not wanting to come with me to jamaica... and meet raymond :(
from sheaabijah :
aww, thanks for explaining! i'm so glad you guys ended up together and are so happy and committed!
from turnaround4u :
such a good love story...i feel like i def rushed things with M...i'm stillllll upset about that because I think like you and law, we had a great emo connection. PS--I think you mixed up sabrina's dave with M. lol...it's ok though. :) I love your fairy tale ending and it's def neat to that have that written down for you kids one day! :)
from sheaabijah :
hi! u need to update more! and i need to update more about things other than dave, lol...i feel like DL is just my boy diary... so laura...you and lawrence were just friends for a long time b4 you dated, right? did he always like you and secretly want to be with you or did that just gradually happen (your feelings intensifying) as time went on?
from turnaround4u :
yay! an entry! How did the pics turn out? :) 8 movies!! lol...
from turnaround4u :
and ps--im actually really glad we switched the dates because my mom just decided last night that our family vacation (florida) will be the last weeks of July...YAY!
from turnaround4u :
Thanks for posting that info laura! :)
from sheaabijah :
score...it'll be great to c u guys! i'm gonna get my eyebrow pierced when u guys r here...i've been waiting 4 ya!
from blogblah :
at least you sound chipper about all the work you have coming up and the fact that it'll all be over soon. yay for your good mood!
from blogblah :
I'm so happy that you have Lawrence. He's the kinda boyfriend you've deserved all along!
from turnaround4u :
HAHAHAHA!! I thought that about Francesca, too! I have never seen a newborn so alert in my life! I laughed so hard at her cute face!
from turnaround4u :
i agree that it's weird how we get personal with classmates bc we do "live a lie" in school. in fact, it took my group MANY nights to open because we didnt want to get personal with eachother. an interesting twist you added about how we all need some level of Superficilaty and optimism to survive. Good thought to ponder. It's great taht is seems like you had a really good group with everyone participating. We had one night like that when we discussed "significant others" and how we were annoyed/struggling with relationships. it's a good feeling to have everyone be included.
from turnaround4u :
what!??!
from turnaround4u :
yeah, thanks...i just have hope bc i feel like he will take off work this time, but then im like--what woudl we do all day? he hates the beach!
from blogblah :
I was like ummm... no the second weekend in June is NOT good for you, lol.
from turnaround4u :
oh--not sure yet, but we're just thinking it will go through this time if he does his homework...he's actually trying to get ontop of the game. he wanted to re-apply ASAP, but he's waiting for the I20 papers from his aunt next month. I'm impressed by his working ahead thinking right now!
from turnaround4u :
Awww--Maybe I should give my donation money to lawrence instead!?!
from sheaabijah :
i think the equality of making an effort thing makes sense to me, while still bearing in mind that i like the idea of the man doing the overall pursuing...my mind gets so swollen and confused...for a few days i was like "no! he can call me!" but now i'm thinking more clearly about it and i'm like, he was the one who initially asked us out, he paid for dinner, her invited me over to his house...hahaha, clearly he had made an effort! so i might text or message him today...i can be communicative without being pushy, right? i don't need to think that *talking* to him is me being the aggressor.
from turnaround4u :
maybe my "Ego" is interfering!!!??!?!?! j/k...ha! something is def interfereing though
from turnaround4u :
a lot of thought in yoru entry! how can you think so good when you are so tired?!?! lol...i loved it though. I need to print it out to remind myself. it actually made me cry. I used to be strong/wise as you portrayed yourself to be....
from turnaround4u :
oh geez--I dont know what the heck i want in life right now...i was actually thinking shorter term trips or maybe just being boring and staying here?
from turnaround4u :
thanks!! I reeeeeeally want to go to Ireland in July though and I need to raise $2000 for that, so I think I shouldn't ask twice...I will support you guys though! :)
from turnaround4u :
haha--thanks for the warning! not sure about the pressure dude. im pretty stubborn...lol
from turnaround4u :
yeah, lets do the 17th...sounds a lot more fun because then you wont have to be stressed.:) Good job on your money! I still have to get that done!
from turnaround4u :
wow Laura--I really like this entry. so insightful and powerful. I read this book in my groups class, too. Do you also do a group therapy in class? We did the last half of class...this reflection paper is very well said! You do have a purpose...and this entry makes me think of one of our FIRST "REAL" deep conversations for a couple hours on 4th floor gough. Remember?! :) Good book. Good insight.
from turnaround4u :
aww--thanks for your encouragement!:P
from sheaabijah :
me too. i've been having a lot of days where it just seems like i have no energy, mental or physical, and no matter how much i "rest" it's never enough...i'm totally drained. hopefully we'll feel better as spring approaches?
from sheaabijah :
the answer to your question is: hmm
from turnaround4u :
i agree with sabrina! lol...i love her short one. Thanks for the wisdom about my situation! I love the vibes we all have--our intuition is "in-tune" with eachother! :) we DEF will catch up soon--I like having Laura withdraw...lol!!! AND--it's ok, purple is def prettier than blue. lol.. Your teacher sounds REALLY AMAZING! I didn't know you could go back to school in jail?! wow...
from sheaabijah :
can i just say, that when i'm at work and i have to type in the password for your DL, i always screw it up nd have to do it like 8 times...it's so long! lol :-)
from turnaround4u :
yeah! write more often! I'm glad your classes seem easy! :)
from sheaabijah :
so how r u going to school full time? just doing loans and shit?
from turnaround4u :
AWWW! I wish he would have come!! I feel bad! :( but I am so glad we got girl time. Maybe next time we can go see him in the city OR he could come here?
from sheaabijah :
freakin' a, now i'm jealous :-(
from turnaround4u :
it was good to hear you had a great weekend and great to hear your voice~! I have been feeling distant lately, but tonight was def good! :)
from turnaround4u :
love you too! hahahhaa..."thanks for reading" AND PS--like always..I ALWAYS love details. This was one of the best entries of my life. haha (even though you did tell me alot of it...lol)
from sheaabijah :
i love that he said he's devoted to you...and, can i just say, i would have gotten temporarily majorly pissed off about the getting up thing too! haha, i can' just TOTALLY see how you would feel, and then it just ruined the whole start of the day and the day feels tainted...it's sort of funny that it takes him longer to get ready too ~ tell him to stop being a girl! j/k :-)
from turnaround4u :
no, i dont think you were giving off any impression other than how you're feeling--which i love, it's so great tht you feel perfect at times and those are the times you write:) make sense?
from turnaround4u :
yeah that is awesome--i actually feel more normal when you talk about the little silly things because you talk like everything's ALWAYS perfect, and it makes me wonder if i have the shittiest relationship in the world. I guess the point is--no matter how much i look up to you or whatever, i still like the input, but i realize it's dumb for you to write about if it's over quickly and you feel like it's dumb...idk. Glad you two struggle, too! BUT most of all...glad you are able to get past it and stregnthen your ties!:)
from turnaround4u :
GREAT JOB ON STRAIGHT A's!!!!! i feel ya--this semester was the first time i was anxious/worried about my grades! I HATE the pressure after i have done well so far--i just dont wanna break my streak! but i am with ya on the b's for sanity!
from turnaround4u :
g is my sister--yeah was confusing...
from turnaround4u :
because...just how in love you are and how much I never hear you complain or vent...prob because it's so perfect for you. How it should be. Looking at you and G is a really good thing for me to notice i think--although I hope you know you CAN talk to me if you want...
from turnaround4u :
why? what's going on?
from turnaround4u :
Wow--a 3? Ok, well that's fair. I don't think it's selfish at all--you supported her all you could and if there are "better people" for her, you are being UNSELFISH by letting her go. It's hard to bond with someone who doesnt want to bond....if she's not ready and she has her own probs (like I think you said she did) it makes it a lot harder. just from working at Devereux, I was skeptical knowing how difficult that age can be. but I am a little kid person, too. I'm sure she was really grateful for you and all you did!:) You think? besides you are SUPER BUSY right now! :)
from turnaround4u :
What?!! I thought you were a mentor until she's like 18? What happened?!? But yeah, I know it is definitely something that can't be forced....good lesson learned? How would you rate it on a scale of 1-10?
from turnaround4u :
Thanks for confirming it! I AGREE!!!!:) Nothing says jerk more than everything I wrote about...plus I love R. I just realized so many things...it's def NOT time--IF EVER. idk...
from turnaround4u :
HEYYYYYYYYY!! Well you know I would FREAKIN LOVE to get an apartment with you! I was thinking about June/July though and ONLY IFFFFFFF things end up the way I want....you know? If possible I might try to stay around here until school is over to save money and gas ORRRRR move out if i can get an internship in NJ...Congrats on your job date--yay you have 1 month to prepare!I really hope you start feeling better, the end of the semester is always really stressful! I am praying for ya! :) Ps--where is Clifton?
from turnaround4u :
Hey!! Wow, that was the longest comment of my life, but I loved it! haha...let me try to answers some of your questions, k? 1. My counselor said nothing when I cancelled because I left her a message on her machine and told her she could call me back if she wanted (i never heard back from her--YAY) I was expecting her to be really pushy. 2. As for Natalie, I was only frustrated because this is her 2nd baby, she's married now and financially stable so she needs to begin acting like it...and start taking responsibility for her kids. Of course I LOVE BABIES-and I already offered to baby-sit a couple dates for her so they could go out, but I do NOT want to use my "spare time" which I don�t even have in my schedule right now...I just felt taken advantage of. I will def help as much as possible, but I felt like I had to be reasonable by laying the bricks down firmly first by making her see how busy my life is right now--instead of just shying away. I feel like so many of my friends don�t care about my busy schedule and they get mad when I don�t spend time with them as much�yada yada. They have no idea, so I need to remind people�half of them don�t even know what college is like, let alone grad school. I guess you can say I am a little confrontational, but mostly in a loving way. I basically just said jokingly, "you know I would love to watch her, but you prob have to think of other options as well...(then I helped her think of some options)...sure maybe I can watch her sometimes in between FT job, FT school, homework, internship, and a bf I haven�t seen in 2 years" ---just showing her that there is no way humanly possible i could watch her EOWEEKEND without losing control of my busy life right now. I seriously think it was an honor she asked, but my life is just too hectic right now. James isn't a police officer yet, but if he gets accepted into the police academy in Jan, he will be able to watch the baby on Weekends, which I really and truly hope happens!! Maybe that is the answer to all this stress?!? But, no worries, I�m sure I will be over at her house every day like I was when Arielle was born because despite how much I know I dont have time�I love babies so much that I usually put everything else on hold �which lays my problem! Haha�oh well. Babies are such a gift� Umm, I will DEF be coming to see you if I am in NJ more!! Def gf!! :) You are one of my main people and I agree we need to see each other more! K, ttyl!
from turnaround4u :
no-i love hearing abtou it and it's great to see you updated! I REALLY don't think you should "forget about it" and apply for a job at a hospital instead, BUT I think you could work here while you secretly apply for jobs at hospitals! hahaha....it's always good to have this job for expereinece--and you waited so long for it! but that's just my view...:)...night dude
from turnaround4u :
AHHHH!!! Have a GREAT time!! I am so excited for you guys...I hope you get along the whole time, too!! I have been so bad at remembering everything lately and I feel like I always forget stuff in your life--which I used to be so good at! SORRY Lady! I am going to try to be better! I love you and hope you have a great time....goodluck with jobs, too!
from turnaround4u :
Hey! It's ok, I don't know why I was so offended...because I can totally understand where you are coming from. I didnt like the first couple of sessions either. I could def tell you were pissed and maybe that's why I was so surprisd because you don't usually show extreme emotion against other people very often...But thanks for your opinion--and I def do want you to have input in everything. PS--I am looking at other people in the area that agree more with the EU approach. I think anyone that will listen to me right now will help, so i dont necessarily think it has to be her--as she is very confrontational and blunt. However, because I was getting so overwhelmed/depressed in life (and counseling is expensive) she is the only one in my price range. haha....stupid money!
from turnaround4u :
Wow--sounds REALLY busy, but it's also AWESOME they offer sat classes in the beginning and end of the semseter! I wish EU did that...plus those classes sound really cool!
from turnaround4u :
i dont know what i think anymore--at first it bothered me, but now i think she's getting more "tame"...unless she's biasing me more!? I AM SO CONFUSED!
from turnaround4u :
a pig? haha....goodluck on your jobbie, too!
from blogblah :
Awwww, i love your boyfriend!
from turnaround4u :
yeah I watched it and cried, too! The bband bs job sounds good! have fun with l!! ttyl dude
from turnaround4u :
Hooray for 2 new jobs!! Go get um tiger! :) Haha...man everything hits at once, doesn't it? Hope you do well on midterms Ms. Busy woman! And, I think it's a great idea to take pics once a year--don't know about Glamour shots, last time I did them it was cheesy, but it was a long time ago and it might be really cool! Send me one every year! hahaha...is that cheesy? Ah, who cares!:) You could make a christmas card! (that might be over the top? LOL)
from turnaround4u :
Daemion Counseling....you hear of it?
from turnaround4u :
YAY for optimism and all the hardword you have completed so far! Sorry hear the job interview sucked...sounds like it really turned you off! You could work at the place gwen works at in Doylestown, I bet you would love it!! but, it's kinda far. SES does still teach I hear, but I can't figure out when! haha...I wanna be with her-I wish she could be my therapist!
from blogblah :
Laura i'm so proud of you! You're doing awesome in grag school!!! I actually screamed for joy when I saw you got the highest grade. This is awesome, stop doubting yourself! I'm so happy to see that you said you were impressed by you because FINALLY you see what the rest of us see and why we are so impressed by you. Good job sweetie!
from turnaround4u :
Ok thanks for your very helpful and motivating advice (as always! ha)!! I know I am not happy with her, but for some reason I always find a reason to drop out of counseling...and I was beginning to think it's my own resistance that's making me unhappy with her. BUT--seeing as how you agree that she is working AGAINST What we're learning, it's good to have someone's elses knowledge on the matter. They say it takes 3 sessions to know if you like someone, right? Works like magic. WOW! And yes, I do believe I could benefit IMMENSELY from an empathetic counselor. I know I Have a lot of crap to work out right now...I was just reading today that the most important factor to help a person change is the EMPATHETIC and NURTURING relationship between client and their counselor. I feel like she is just pissing me off and I just want to feel safe telling her stuff right now. Someone suggested getting an EU graduate so I can have a simliar style to learn from. I thought it was a great idea and I will look into it. I hope to find a good counselor SOON! I need one!! haha...Glad to know there are good ones out there! Thanks chica!
from turnaround4u :
Dang, that is the longest note of my life...lol
from turnaround4u :
Dude, what he heck! One of the richest areas of the country (Maddison) only has jobs for $10/hour or less!! OMW! NOT ACCEPTABLE! That�s like a slap in the face...I made more than that babysitting-which any high school kid could do! I can't believe it! You might need to move to PA!!! MAN! it�s crazy...OR you might need to find a "friend" already working somewhere good to get you in. Do you like hospitals? Do you know anyone in the field? Past counselors, doctors, clinics, etc...ANYWHERE?!!?! WHOA! I might suggest Physically GOING TO the agency in person to hand them a resume and see what the say face to face. Might make a difference, but might not? Don't know....Man, I wish your temp agency worked better for you! (AND--in all honesty, sorry for complaining. I know I am lucky to have a job in the field making what I do...Thanks for not letting me get greedy-- you know what sisterly competition does to you! I am trying to keep up with Gwen!! Sorry, I wont complain--I am really lucky, you're right!�But seriously, that�s all I think it is�LUCK. �the right place at the right time.) I wish I could come over and help ya look!! That's so fun for me! Did you look in NYC?!?! Maybe you should fix your resume...it might be a glitch somewhere? (although doubt it because you're such a good writer...)
from turnaround4u :
YAY FOR A+!!! I want to read that paper still! Is it too personal?? Anyway, I am a lot better than you at what?? FINDING A JOB?! lol...idk about that. I just got promoted, but it's only a 50 cent raise! What the freak is that crap!??! I am def getting leads on a lot more lucrative positions I am looking into because I am a professional woman (with gazillions of loans) and I need more to live!! I would def encourage you in that direction if it�s what you meant?....I just don�t know your area of NJ and the jobs around you.... did I read the whole question wrong?? haha...tell me what you think gf!
from blogblah :
awww, look at you being brave and talking in class! that's awesome!
from turnaround4u :
haha...thanks for the encouragement. Hope you get your prob fixed soon so you can feel heat!! :) ttyl gf
from turnaround4u :
My dad refuses to turn the heat on until end of October because we have a coal stove and he hates doing it 2 times a day...2 more weeks of no heat!! AHH! lol
from turnaround4u :
haha--it is so "code"!!!! :) my house, too--but i'm not as gifted at being dramatic as you are. ha
from turnaround4u :
how was the paper? :)
from turnaround4u :
yay matt!
from blogblah :
ya know, i knew i hadn't reached that point with you. and it's such a wonderful feeling knowing that YOU will always be there. i mostly meant melissa but couldn't really say it because she sometimes reads the journal too. she's tired of hearing it, i can just tell. thank you for being such a great friend, i dunno what i'd do without you. have an amazing time with boyfriend!! love you!
from turnaround4u :
YAY!! Thanks dude! I love your "bri" nickname, like you and brian are BFF. haha...Man, it's going to be GREAT! I know Steph said she might invite sean and Kate, too. Is that ok? idk if she will. Ok, thanks for the update--doesn't it seem better to have everything in writing? hahaha. bye laura lu! How is the library?!
from turnaround4u :
WOW! I am glad he is ok!! And I am so glad you got to spend the day with him--:)
from turnaround4u :
spliced by the spirit?
from turnaround4u :
Glad you are ok! Becareful with your bloodsugar dude! so funny how you were struggling on your bike to keep up with matt running. ha I wish matt and jerm could be friends. Matt and i has some good talks last night...Man, I want Jerm to care. ps--glad you got to ctach up on sleep after I left! sorry i kept you up so late!
from turnaround4u :
I hope you feel better, too! My internet was down all weekend so I missed you! I am BRINGING ALL MY GRE BOOKS FOR YOU!!! That way you can STUDY while I am in JA! haha...I know it doesnt seem fair. lol, jk. I know you can do it. My books kick ass.:)
from blogblah :
I hope you feel better Laura and that time with Lawrence will be relaxing instead of chaotic. Have a good weekend and I love you!
from turnaround4u :
lack of stimulation?? What is that referring to?
from turnaround4u :
I am having my period too! haha...how was wendy?
from sheaabijah :
HAHAHA...i've always wondered when i read the inserts in tampon boxes *who* would actually forget/not notice that they already have a tampon in (cause they say shit like "always remove old tampon before inserting a new one")....haha, and now i know ;-). btw, rachael and i are both having our periods too...is it national period week i wonder?
from turnaround4u :
thanks for the invite...it sounds fun, but I have my last Saturday class that day:( Anne is going to HI!! Man, I am so envious. That has go to be so exciting. It's awesome you're throwing a party (well not you, but you friends) AND glad to hear and NY girlfriend!
from turnaround4u :
sigh right back at you...very good depiction of the relationship. so happy
from turnaround4u :
what is: "r.t.w.y.m."
from turnaround4u :
thank you!:)
from turnaround4u :
edit users notes on the left...click delete specific entries (choice 2) Thanks
from turnaround4u :
ahhh
from turnaround4u :
This entry goes along with the book I am reading right now..."Keeping the Love You Find" by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. (It's for school, but it's AMAZING) Makes you think like woah. I highly recommend it and might write in my DL about it when I am finished. It's a new, but very relevant point of view on love...check it out! night chica bella!
from turnaround4u :
awww---that entry actually makes me cry. haha...I know I always cry. But I think it was the part where he was real with you when you were having a break down. It's so awesome how he stayed calm and managed to support you--where some guys would flip out. THANK GOD! I had no idea about the meds. I am so glad you're motivated and hopefully can keep it up. Things sound really hopeful now and I am very excited to see what God will do. I hope you can get some time off now after all your hard work. :) PS--I am looking into the agency, I am just afraid they will send me to freakin Devereux again! EWWW~ also, I was thinking of going to JA for like 5 days, thurs-mon because I can only take like 3 days off work. So it would be kinda short--I would love to go FOREVER, (HAHA) but life doesnt work like that.
from turnaround4u :
UPDATE!! its been 2 weeks freakin A!!! ok girlfriend? haha
from turnaround4u :
oh...can i just tell you that when I first glanced at your diary entry, i read the first and last sentence and thought you and lindsey had a "thing" tonight. LOL...
from turnaround4u :
i am so glad to read this entry. I love it! although I could kill you for walking around in the middle of the night in a strange city. Dude, you could be dead! thank god you're not. Anyways, I am so glad you're happy and wish the best for you! WAHOO! I love you chica! Sorry I was cranky tonight. Thanks for being a great friend! Thanks for the talk. I will see you in 3 days!! :)
from blogblah :
Laura, I'm glad things are getting better for you and Lawrence and I'm glad that you can finally be happy because that's definitely what you deserve. Even though I'm a terrible friend and never call, just wanted to you to know that I love you like no other and you're great!
from turnaround4u :
AHHH---!!!! FRUSTRATING...why do we care? at what point is it reciprocated? will a man ever care as much as woman? AND--if so...will he just show it?!?! That's all i want!! A freakn man to step up and show a woman how much he loves her and why. I want HONESTY. I am beginning to think there is no such thing. (but of course this is building off my own experiences too--not just L) Even though it frustrates the crap out of me for you...but here we are getting all PISSED before we even know the truth. (even though the facts SEEM to add up--but do they really??) I guess there is truth to the statement "when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me." Who knows...i am here for you laura!
from turnaround4u :
yeah, i can undertand that...what a mess! glad you got home safely. hope you got to catch up on some sleep!
from turnaround4u :
Why didnt you just stop and ask for directions?? I can't imagine how frustrating it is to try and do things yourself...when there are others that can help--and WANT to help. All you have to do is ask :) (and I mean that in the nicest way--i am not trying to be rude dude) ok girlfriend?
from turnaround4u :
It hit me like a ton of bricks when I found out Jon and what's her face were engaged--and pregnant...how you doing?
from turnaround4u :
i had NO idea
from turnaround4u :
How does L know that M and K are engaged? do they talk!?!? WEIRD!
from turnaround4u :
I read the whole thing! you sound STRESSED! tons of things running through your head.--which is funny because the last time we talked it was the shortest conversation we ever had. Hope things are clearing up. I dont think it was a pity entry at all...lord knows i wrote TONS of those in the past couple of weeks to help organize my thoughts. it does help to know the diary listens. lol. ok ttyl lady!
from blogblah :
Good job on going to church! I'm very proud of you, any ideas where exactly you wanna go? Mike and I went the past two weekends together and we're starting to pray together a lot more too. It feels much better having God than not so congrats and keep up the good work!
from turnaround4u :
Laura I miss you! Are those your kids nameS?!??! :)
from turnaround4u :
Hey congrats!
from turnaround4u :
oh la la!! why don't you call a guestimated date?!?
from turnaround4u :
of course. why wouldn't I? I love you laura.:) now update yo:)
from turnaround4u :
two entries almost exactly the same...what is the differnece? dumb early and dump early. haha...what is the difference between those two? is taht the only differnece? AND...yay for cheesecake, trains, and your man coming! awwwww!!!:)
from sheaabijah :
sorry i never made it online...i went christmas shopping with my sis and we didn't get home until late (all the shops are open late these days)...sorry!
from mizzmemz :
heyy i just got ur note that you left me. i dont have ur new password. let me know what it is if you still have my screename =]
from blogblah :
It was $99 plus tax
from carallyne :
nice, how much was it? (btw- surprise)
from sheaabijah :
what would he do if/when you were married? he'd def. have to be talking to ya everday...i don't know, i bet it's just kind of one of those insenitive male things though, like their need for intimacy through sharing and talking is less than ours...how frustrating though. i totally understand how you would feel, b/c that would be a HUGE thing to me too.
from turnaround4u :
AND... H A P P Y A N N I V E R S A R Y !!!!!!!!! :)
from turnaround4u :
haha...turn off your brain. I don't know how, or I would have a lot less problems in my life--BUT, i wish i could tell you how. ha I am an overanalyzer too...so if you figure it out tell me and i will tell you if i figure it out first:)
from turnaround4u :
I don't know what specifically to comment either except to say...1. It�s good you are honest. 2. stop thinking so much--i can sympathize to overanalyzing because it's a new relationship and long distance, but just take it slow and 3. What can you do to change it? How could you make it better? What do you REALLY expect/want...if you go that, would you want more? ---just some questions to think about because it's hard to always see from a clear perspective, but i honestly think if you want it to work, it will. he is amazing. you guys are great together. Make the changes needed to get the most out of the situation and BE HAPPY! Think how lucky you are:) remember how much you wanted this...nothing in life is easy. Love you girl
from sheaabijah :
hi :-). i don't have a specific comment but wanted to let it be known that i am reading and keeping up ;-).
from turnaround4u :
I am glad to see your communication probs cleared up:) haha I am very happy for you dude. I am calling you later! Don't go to bed too early!:)
from turnaround4u :
I always like reading it because you didn't tell me half that stuff on the phone girlfriend! haha
from turnaround4u :
YAY!
from sheaabijah :
he sounds SO PERFECT! i am SOOO happy that you are with someone who treats you so affectionately and makes you feel so good about yourself. what a wonderful thing!
from turnaround4u :
:-) :-)
from turnaround4u :
UPDATE!!! lol
from turnaround4u :
have fun!! safe travels--I am STILL really impressed. haha
from turnaround4u :
LOL---one of these days...i like the way you think. haha. grad school verse baby. you could do both, just at different times. and can i tell you that I am going to throw you the BIGGEST baby shower ever when you finally do get your little fertilized egg:)
from turnaround4u :
love the last paragraph about fear and love conquering fear...perfect ending girlfriend!
from turnaround4u :
amen to that list--and you ABSOLUTELY should want what you are willing to give. couldn't have said it better myself! (An epiphany for me when I read that sentence) There will be 2 men out there that will love us as unconditionally and we love them someday Laura!:) Keep rocking the list...
from sheaabijah :
i want your new password but i don't have time to get on IM right now...i hope you'll be on on sunday! the pics were so adorable!! :-)
from turnaround4u :
sweet:) lol. i love it--especially the piggy back. He is great guy!!! I remember when I first read that part of your convo before I met him. it inpired me to end things because i was like, "woah, guys actually talk like that? He actually respects you and has real conversations for hours???!" haha...
from sheaabijah :
astrea & raina.....:-)
from sheaabijah :
you are a child of GOD. the creator of everything made you specially b/c he has a plan for you.
from sheaabijah :
oh laura-leesha...i wish i knew what to say. know that you are in my prayers and in my heart.
from turnaround4u :
LOL...that cracks me up. sounds like a trip
from sheaabijah :
Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee, Trust Him when thy strength is small, Trust Him when to simply trust Him Seems the hardest thing of all ~Lucy A. Bennett
from sheaabijah :
Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us into peices but He will heal us; He has injured us, but He will bind our wounds. After two days He will revive us, on the third day He will restore us. Let us acknowled the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth. ~Hosea 1:1-3
from sheaabijah :
WOW...sooooo painful
from stardrips :
that password doesn't work
from sheaabijah :
wait, who is that you were talking to? if you don't want to say here you can email me.
from sheaabijah :
oops, i can't get into your diaryland anymore 'cause you made it password protected...my old password doesn't seem to be a' workin' either...
from sheaabijah :
that inspired me.
from turnaround4u :
you know the best thing about diarys IS how moving they are when there is real emotion in them. It's like the only time I am touched by reading WORDS...so much wisdom in here. I am tearing up(:() I am a mix of sad and so incredibly happy for you--I can't imagine what you are. I love you girl
from sheaabijah :
if you move to colorado words won't even be able to express how jealous i'll be of you. i have a GRE study book but i guess it would be more convenient for you to borrow michelle's, haha. a word to the wise though: study for both! the book i had gave a lot of helpful "tricks" for doing well that i think i would have sucked even worse without.
from sheaabijah :
reading that post gave me the same feeling i get when listening to counting crows songs...melancholy, contemplative, sad. i love you laura.
from turnaround4u :
very heartfelt
from turnaround4u :
beautiful
from turnaround4u :
Laura--that's awesome! I had no idea there was such a thing as that major! Sounds like a perfect fit for you! What school has that program? I am excited for you:)
from turnaround4u :
update yo!! I have missed your entires soooo much. I need to hear from you--what's up in laura's life?
from bridgems :
You have excellent taste in music.
from turnaround4u :
yes. Absolutely. Don't stay somewhere you hate for too long, that can ruin person. There are so many jobs out there. There has to be one you LOVE! It's the perfect time to search and experiment:)
from sheaabijah :
did lana have the baby? is it bella or trinity?
from sheaabijah :
wow, sounds like a lot is happening for you right now! that will be so helpful and exciting deploying with the red cross!! and good luck on your job interview! i'm glad you mom was so understanding about quitting your old job.i'm glad you listened to yourself and stop putting yourself through it if it was making your unhappy. and i can relate to your "stress" entry... love you girl!
from turnaround4u :
what's the web link??!
from sheaabijah :
hahahahaha ~ i love how you'll die too! boy, they got both of our deaths accurately, huh? :-D
from sheaabijah :
your over-workedness reminds me of a bumper sticker i saw that said "i used up all my sick days so i called in dead." haha. i guess that's more me than you though... :-D
from turnaround4u :
Laura, I can't imagine how you are feeling. It is such a difficult situation and I know how much you care about Lana. (and I agree with Rach a little) BUT--I would hate to see all that effort you went through wasted if you throw everything away. I think she would appreciate it on some level...and the lesson I learned the most last week in church was PRAY. PRAY PERSISTANTLY and OFTEN. I am praying for Lana and who knows what will come in the future...I just don't think it's wise to self-destruct. It's all in God's Hands.
from stardrips :
laura, i think one thing you can and should do that would help things is to get back on medication. i strongly think that and encourage you to do so. i care about you. take care of yourself. it's worth the effort.
from turnaround4u :
Awwww...I was thinking of you today and wanted to come visit. Dang, I should have called. If it weren't 7:30pm already AND if i didn't live 2 hours away and have to work at 9am tomorrow...I would totally come spend the night. Man, I suck. I wish I could come over and spend time with you. I wanna cry with you!...lets be sad together.
from sheaabijah :
not that that's something you didn't already know (i can just hear you saying "well, i do realize that" LOL :-))....but you know....
from sheaabijah :
why are you off the meds? b/c you need someone to prescribe them? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ also, i was reading through a book on christian counseling the other day, and one of the things it talked about was the humour personality divisions (melancholy, sanguine, etc.). i thought i was startled at the accuracy of their assertation that melancholies tend to reject people/push people away before those people can reject them/push them away. that is sooooooo me, and i'm betting it's true for you also. ((((((hugs))))))
from sheaabijah :
((hugs))
from sheaabijah :
self-censorship, huh? ofcourse it could be the opposite, and you could be upset about saying something you shouldn't have....i find that the ability to communicate is a double-edged sword.
from carallyne :
what i hate most about myself is that i can't talk freely, with adults, but with eveyone really. just sometimes. maybe i'm getting depressed again. i don't know.
from sheaabijah :
"that's the one thing i hate most about myself and never want to admit" ~~ what is? that you don't talk freely sometimes with adults? i just didn't understand what you meant exactly. glad you're getting some use out of the gold :-)
from sheaabijah :
haha, well, i wrote a couple entries about it and they were up for a couple days but then i got tired of looking at them so i made them private. i'll go back and make them protected so you can read them.
from sheaabijah :
well, i think you should email someone who is listed on the gold instructions page. when i ordered it i emailed somebody to ask a question and they got back to me within like 12 hours.
from turnaround4u :
yeah call brad back...haha. Man, how random.
from turnaround4u :
HAHA...you put Mark on hold. you crack me up. PA plans sound WONDERFUL! Just let me know when you are coming! (I don't think we are going to the beach after all...) K, ttyl. PO chica
from sheaabijah :
i loved brat camp too. i almost cried at how great those people handled the "brats." i agree that that at least seems like a cool job. she's naming the baby bella now? what happened to trinity? i'm glad you like your job. did your car come in yet?
from sheaabijah :
that's exciting about the car! thanks for your comment on my xanga.
from turnaround4u :
hey...i agree. let's not let boys get in the way of our friendship! I love you laura and i totally understand and respect why you can't tell me things. I just wasn't sure if it had to do with R and if everyone knew except me. I feel better already knowing taht the secrets are not having to do with R. Thanks. ttyl--love ya
from mizzmemz :
heyy! =] im glad your happy congrats on the job and good luck =] with love
from blogblah :
i'm so happy that you get to have a fun, happy experience. you know it won't always be that easy because sometimes the patients do suck a little but trust me, you will grow attached. i miss my group home job but i don't miss the hours and inconsistency. i think i'm gonna apply to work at some really soon. anyway, good luck and congrats on finding the perfect job for you! i love you and miss you much!
from turnaround4u :
NO!!! I love that car you had picked out...what happened to it??? You shoul be able to have a say, you are totally right. I think if he can't find a middle ground than maybe you should do it with your mom instead...(or mark) You are intelligent, hardworking, and capable of knowing what you like and want in a car!:) Knock yourself out--this is supposed to be super exciting!! YOUR FIRST CAR!
from turnaround4u :
HOW WAS IT??
from stardrips :
i only ask cause of what you write, but are you *trying* to get pregnant? just wondering...
from sheaabijah :
i miss you.
from abijahjane :
my sister's and i call stuff like that pain and suffering. like, if we do something that screws him over or "nickel and dime him" with money, we'll just look at each other and say "pain and suffering." he owes us.
from stardrips :
hey, laura, i don't know anything about VW's but they are cute :) sorry i can't be more help...good luck
from abijahjane :
did you like traveling mercies?
from turnaround4u :
I like how you listed what you need to do. I think it's funny how it might subconsciously be the order in which you want it...have a baby comes before marriage:) Write a book is first. haha...
from turnaround4u :
I am not sure what food it will be yet...I will let you know, ok? I hope you guys can come:)
from turnaround4u :
CONGRATULATIONS!!! that is great news Laura! I am excited for your plans of a non-loseresque life to come true!!:) Look at you getting a car and a job! :) Now I am def excited to see you at my picnic:)
from sheaabijah :
you're so cute. i love the image of you in bed with a book a fan and a heating pad.
from sheaabijah :
my cousin jason grew up 7th day adventist. he thinks it's legalistic, but not a cult. but like any denomination, i think the quality varies from church to church, 'cause my aunt mary dated this guy for a while who had been one of the big heads of hte 7th day adventist denomination, and he finally got fed up with it b/c he thought it was cultish. so *shrugs*, i guess it's like anything else, it's just what works for the indiviual.
from turnaround4u :
Yeah!! Natalie grew up as a Seventh Day adventist...her parents still are. good memory dude.
from sheaabijah :
eat some avocados and your favorite greek foods. there will be no losing weight on my watch!
from turnaround4u :
haha--right after you just got finshed telling me how you aren't sick of being lazy yet...:)
from sheaabijah :
ammendment: except that i also think you can enjoy it (days where you just relax) if you get like one every so often when the rest of your time is really full.
from sheaabijah :
sometimes i really think that we can't enjoy being lazy and doing nothing unless there is something else we should be doing. 'cause if there isn't we just feel purposeless and pathetic. i hate that about life.
from sheaabijah :
never mind, i get it after reading your comments section. lol.
from sheaabijah :
haha about your body wanting to be impregnanted :-) also, i'm confused by your comment on michelle's dland about salary; do you mean to say that you asked for $40,000, not $30,000? i'm kind of confused as to where that actually came from too ~ was it in response to an entry? 'cause i don't remember reading anything about that in her entries. weird. or maybe i just missed that one.
from turnaround4u :
I don't know what to say--mom? manipulative...clingy...situation seems odd. professional help. seems to know how to get a reaction from others.
from turnaround4u :
yeah, I would def either 1. go to the interview and change your pay rate OR 2. just cancel and go with Mark. But you know they say you should always have one interview with a blah job that you don't want first so you can practice for the interview you do want. You could be fine though--I was!! :) (Becca suggested asking for $30,000--because I was stumped) As for paying rent, I totally understand. I don't want to pay either. Guess we should hold off on that plan until we find a free apartment. haha---may be a long wait. I hear there's cheap apartments in Kansas...HAHA
from turnaround4u :
I mean $13. hour is about 21,000 a year with taxes taken out. $25,000 with no taxes.
from turnaround4u :
Hey! Know what? I think the average psychology pay rate is around $13/hour in the jobs I have applied for so far. This is around a salary of $25,000 a year (with taxes taken out). I mean it does kind of suck--but it's average in my job searches. SOOOOO...I don't know what to say about the salary you should ask for. (I always write "negotiable" in the blank) $40,000 would be amazing--but seems high to me. Try it girl! ALSO, I have an idea. If you move here with me, we can get an apartment!! OR--Gwen has an extra bedroom. I could ask my mom and see what she says? That would be freakin awesome!
from turnaround4u :
I love you!! You are in my thoughts and prayers my sweet Laura lu!:)
from sheaabijah :
oh laura....(((hugs))) i'm sorry you feel so much pain in your broken heart.
from sheaabijah :
i know! i heard them say cum laude of whatever it's called when you went up! good job girl! i know, i got my 3.0something too, so i'm psyched. we did it!
from sheaabijah :
:-(
from sheaabijah :
haha, oh laura, i hate to say it, but towards the end there i def. think he caught on and was just playing with your mind. if he had really felt those things, i don't think he would have told you. oh lord, that boy.
from turnaround4u :
haha...you played with fire. Oh laura lu. Now you know, or so it seems, he had feelings for you. You still interested??
from sheaabijah :
ann riverview....good one.
from sheaabijah :
oh laura your life is more valuable than you can possibly know. when you think of your damaged 13 year old self that still lives somewhere inside of you, can you try to tell her all the loving things you would tell ANYONE else? i love you.
from sheaabijah :
OMG, I just realized that we are graduating ONE MONTH FROM TODAY. That categorically does not seem possible. Wow. Waaaaaa...I'm not ready!
from sheaabijah :
LOL
from sheaabijah :
hahaha :-D
from sheaabijah :
hi. i didn't give blood at all b/c i have been feeling weird lately in some strange way and i was afraid to b/c i have this (probably irrational) fear that if i do it will kill me or cause me some big physical problem....i know, i'm getting crazy in my old age...
from sheaabijah :
and smelling good is a big thing for you ;-)
from sheaabijah :
i know, diaryland is on crack lately; i haven't been able to post either. great, make me hate myself for wanting an SUV :-)...no seriously, though, that's good, i'll have to check out those links when we get back. maybe i'll go for a minivan instead of an SUV...i care about the earth more than my selfishness i guess. :-)
from turnaround4u :
19:9...not bad. Some day when I get my DL locked I will post my list, too. I wrote it on the airplaine coming home. Funny taht we both have lists--although I think your list is more reliable seeing as how you have known Mark a lot longer than R and I.
from turnaround4u :
AHHHH!!! I am so happy for you. You know my eyes are watering?? hahaha. I am so dumb but I just feel like this is so right for you and him both--I mean I could be wrong, but I agree with what you say and I can see how much you love him. I am so excited! I love you guys.
from sheaabijah :
you have a lot of big feelings right now, and i think it's important to let yourself feel how you feel. it may be irrational, but it's how you feel. i'm sorry you are upset and i hope your feelings change soon. i love you.
from terenisa :
Hey what makes you say all that? What happened for you to think that of yourself, kind of out of nowhere. Seems like someone came up and told you that and you accept it, why?
from sheaabijah :
laura ann lafontis ~ i am in the library right now (3:15) and i don't know how to get ahold of you, but I REALLY need to ask you a question about this stupid lab....could you swing by here? I will probably be here until 6....
from stardrips :
you are so funny n honest, laura....where you at least in the comfort of your own room?
from stardrips :
even though this sounds really simple, it helped me: God wants us to come to him to get love, not to get things that are bad pointed out. most of the time we already know how much we fail. but first and and foremost, we go to god to get the love that he wants us to have. why would we ever avoid love?
from sheaabijah :
i've said it before, i'll say it again: your hair is nice.
from stardrips :
did you cut your hair?
from stardrips :
who's having a baby?
from mizzmemz :
im sorry my password thing is going nuts it wont even let me veiw my own journal. i think something got messed up. thank you for thinking about me though how are things with you? i havent talked to you in a while.
from sheaabijah :
laura, i really think you need to take your meds. i don't think it's wise to not be...
from turnaround4u :
Wow!! Thanks for the super long message on DL and for your prayers last night Laura Lu. I realized that I did leave you out in my diary two entries ago so I went back and revised it! haha...just because you were a huge chunk of my support through the whole decision process. I guess I just assumed you in the group of supporters because I was trying to keep it short since I had so much to write. But you are right in the fact that you are always here for me and I am sorry if I don't show you how grateful I am for that. I really do appreciate and love you more than I could ever explain to you. You have been and still are a HUGE part of my life and just such a blessing in so many ways. I thank God for you in my life. Also, I wanted to thank-you for understanding all my frustrations. I really think you do understand, I am not one of those people that thinks my life only applies to me--I know some people just have a gift for empathizing and knowing. I really don't know what I wanted you to say about my entry either, I was happy with you understanding...but really it was just and entry to help myself make sense out of what just happened and why. I wanted to get rid of my bad attitude and try to give my load to God. You know how feelings are so intense sometimes that you blow up? Well, that is basically what this entry was for me. As for the support thing, I want to thank you for always being there for me. I wasn't trying to be defensive and hide my feelings last night. I know I can talk to you, and sometimes I feel like I do that way too much! But last night I just basically knew that you were so overflowing with happiness that I didn�t want to bring you down. I didn't open up because I hate being a whiner and I knew that you had so many more important things to focus on than my crap. Plus I didn�t feel like getting into it, but I didn�t even think about just saying that. To me I would rather deny that anything is wrong than say I don't want to talk about it...idk why. Sorry if I offended you, but those were my reasons for not opening up. Hope you had a good test and I want to hear about the �studying!� Love ya.
from stardrips :
you are like that. i could picture and hear you as i read that :)
from stardrips :
affectionately miss you too
from rainy-daze- :
*shoots you* x
from turnaround4u :
haha...I knew you were working on your paper because your DL has been frequently updated! :) Don't you love procrastination?!? :) Goodluck dude.
from terenisa :
yeah i know who the other person is, its not that hard to figure out. i know u better than u think.
from hamiltonian :
Some people are outright against porn. I am okay with it even its rather shocking forms of Europe and Japan. But while I am not into porn I can see how it can be addictive. Its like any addiction and its linked to the most human element that of our sexualaty. So one cant easily will it away. Good luck
from turnaround4u :
Oh Laura--that is so hard. I feel like I can relate to both of you in a way. I need my space when relationships end (like Mark) and I am uncertain like you! I hope everything works out! I think that if it the right person, you should be sure of it. True that I have no idea, but this is what I have heard from "experts" on love.(If there is such a thing) I am here for ya kiddo:)
from turnaround4u :
Oh Laura--that is so hard. I feel like I can relate to both of you in a way. I need my space when relationships end (like Mark) and I am uncertain like you! I hope everything works out! I think that if it the right person, you should be sure of it. True that I have no idea, but this is what I have heard from "experts" on love.(If there is such a thing) I am here for ya kiddo:)
from stardrips :
maybe you're full of gum-drops
from goverjkg :
Thank you for leaving the note about my latest entry. Also, we need to talk about your entry re: the tsunami. I'd like to bounce some ideas off you. IM me at goverjkg1 (AIM). I wish you the best of days.
from turnaround4u :
Full of Shit! hahaha...jk. I really think it is a great plan and no you should not settle. If you want a guy like Mike, then go for it. Maybe you will date him and realize he is not all you made him out to be OR maybe you will fall hopelessly in love. You are great with Mark, but don't settle beacuse marriage is forever! Love ya Laura Lu
from turnaround4u :
That is the best entry! I loved it...you crack me up! hahaha...for real. The things you think of:)
from sheaabijah :
that is so beautiful and inspiring and touching, laura.
from goverjkg :
Just so you know, my user name is "goverjkg" not "groverjkg". : ) I love your writing. It really gives me a sense that I know you, even though we'll probably never meet. Thank you for giving me something fresh and interesting to read every once in a while.
from turnaround4u :
also-- YOU GOT A VIDEO CAMERA FROM MARK!??! I just LOVE that! Now we can both make movies! You will see why I am so obsessed. haha I hope you take some footage over break so I can watch it when I get back to school!
from turnaround4u :
Hey You! I think it is neat that you can relate to my experience at work!! I was actually thinking about you because I think you would be so good at working there! Also, I know that it seems like the kind of job you always talk about wanting to have. I wish you could work here with me; that would rock my socks off. (and when I was talking to the African guy--I just thought about you even more!) You have some very good points about clients going back into their room thing. It doesn't make sense to me either. And the staff actually wanted the cutters to have 1:1 supervision, but the head nurse said it was unnecessary. Maybe she learned from this...? It was a touchy subject so I didn't know if I should write about it, but then I decided to. I am also not sure if there is a Devereux location near you. You can check it out at www.devereux.org. I really think you would be great at it. (especially the hospital--the residential treatment facilities would be a little different. It is a 8:1 ratio instead of 4:1 (at hospital) and it is less severe) But still would be good work. Hope you had a great Christmas! I want to talk to you soon! I need to see you in NJ! Raymond keeps telling me that Jay needs to talk to me when he gets back from Jamaica, that is a little nerve wracking...but I am excited to hear what he says. Raymond said that Jay is goign to "check me out" for him. Well in that case, it's over. haha...I am not what Raymond thinks I am...(I don't think) I HATE this checking you out crap!!! Anyways, sorry to ramble. Hope all is well and I will talk to you later! Love ya Chicky:)
from sheaabijah :
yay! i'm so glad you're back, and glad to hear it went well!! :-)
from gwumpysmurf :
olah sinyarita
from sheaabijah :
i miss you ~ are you home yet?
from sheaabijah :
Good job!! A N D: Have a kick-butt time in Jamaica, chica!
from sheaabijah :
carallyne ~ would you like a 3 month gold membership for christmas? if not, tell me...
from sheaabijah :
my theory is that the people who finish insanely early just didn't know any of the answers and BSed their way through it without caring too much.
from sheaabijah :
good job! i love that feeling, of having accomplished a lot of little things that i usually just avoid.
from terenisa :
Hey how'd u jump to Dec. 1st when it's Nov 30th still? interesting!!! teach the less wise lol. Ok and what starting over house? I'm confoosed. what else is new haha. Oh the nauseating feeling of everyday is so freakin sickening, ewww owwww awwwwww!!!!!!! UMMMMMMMM, yeah lalalala blah, while u were sleeping is a great movie! i dunno wana puke lata.
from sheaabijah :
oh laura, why is it always the fall semester and when you live in a single? (and by always i mean twice). i wish i knew what i could do to help you.
from terenisa :
LAURA LAURA LAURA!!!!!!! thanx for the test it was really cool. I wish u had told me something this morning. How come you dont really talk to me when we see each other????
from terenisa :
Actually let me correct myself it was 11/9 but it's still the numbers who's really looking at it from that point of view. and if u really are well watever i thought i was in Europe for a minute.
from terenisa :
I just realized that my last entry was on 9/11. wow how sign-ificalistic!!!!! (I just made that one up for those of u who don't quite know it)... :) just thought i throw that one in there.
from terenisa :
Hey it is I. How's it hangin pal? hehe i just watched a movie about a gang of kids who try to steal the SAT answers so they can all get a 1600. it was like ocean's 11 meets breakfast club. It was pretty funny. Today was ggggrrrrrreat!!!!! :( My sis and I went bowlin with Mike and that was fun. I lost terribly but i got one strike out of 3 games. That kinda stunk. Then came home and we made it a blockbuster night...hehe.....with ice cream...the super size king cones...Gotta love em!!!! ok lata...oh i'll try to write a new entry soon. which i could've done now but whatever. ok lata
from turnaround4u :
Want to finish "the project" today and go to Wal-mart? I have had a hankering for Wal-mart for a couple days...
from sheaabijah :
it was on the second floor, the last computer farthest down by the window(not in the little room)
from sheaabijah :
sorry, i didn't read it while i was still in the library, and i didn't think to sign you out either, which was just scatterbrianed of me :-(. it will probably sign you out when they turn it off for the night though.
from sheaabijah :
haha, baby therapy. i vote for it.
from terenisa :
I LOVE YOU LAURA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for scaring you y-day or worrying u or any of the bad feelings or upsetting feelins that u might have gotten. Thank you so much for being there just to even listen. stopped me from doing something really stupid. Thank you. I dont mean to always bother u when i have some kind of a crisis or something. U have problems of ur own and their not small either, but here i am piling mine on urs. I'm sorry for being selfish. but thank you for y-day and listening. I fell asleep at 5pm last night and didnt wake up till 6am today so i didnt even hear ur calls. On my way to work in 1/2 an hour. and then school after. I'll call u when i get home cuz i have no day minutes left on my fone. LOVE AND KISS ALWAYS LATA MWHA!!!!! JEROME BEADLE IS AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
from sheaabijah :
why?
from turnaround4u :
Wow, that is embarassing! I have NEVER had anyone tell me that before...
from terenisa :
I didn't it take it all offensive it just kinda hurts that you might not view me as being able to be on ur level. I difinetely in no way can write like you thats only because youre well read and well i never really liked reading only if its somehting i like. but i can write in non-correct-grammatical terms. lol. I just wish u see me as that i can be serious but just not all the time. i have my moments. remember the time i was talking to u about jay and i told u what i planned to do. and that whole discussion in a month...blah blah and at the end u were like " wow u were just really smart right now." well i dunno i was thinking about that earlier today actually and it kinda hit me that wow this girl doesnt think that i'm smart. not in an intellectual way but in a verbal way. I may not be able to express myself as deeply as u can but i can. I'm not mad or upset dont get me wrong i'm not starting anything with u. i just wanna let u know how i feel. and that statement that u made really got to me and i started thinking more and more about it each day. so it just made me wana be more expressive and verbally extensive because i know my vocab is pretty limited just because i didnt really read. and well knowledge comes from reading but oh well. i guess i can always pick up a book lol. Anyway as far as this weekend i wont know till tomorrow. i'm gonna ask someone to switch shifts with me so i work sun night not morning and not work on sat cuz i have class on sat morning from 8:30-12:30 and from 2-6:30 that really is gonna suck. but i have to. its not like that every sat only every other sat. and the questions dont worry about them i want u to focus on ur paper and when u get to thenm u get to them. thier of no importance in relation to ur paper. school is everything 5 questions is nada. love ya
from stardrips :
what's your favorite childhood memory? what's your worst childhood memory? what's your greatest fear? what's your greatest dream? what single event has most impacted your life? what's your favorite *one* color?
from terenisa :
I know that my enteries sound like the thoughts that are in my head and i'm just writing htem down on a comp in a diary for eveyone to be able to read my thoughts but i do have the profound ideas and thoughts in my head i just dont let them come out. if i did i can write an encyclopedia of my mind and being. the daily thigns that wonder through my head take my steps away. sorrow, pain, hurt, disgrace, sadness, remorce, guilt, pity, lonilness, unworthy, DIRTY, evil, dark, wounded,unhappy,suffering, upset,shame, dishonor,humiliation, ignominy, regret, filthy, unclean, foul, soiled, corrupt, dishonest, immoral, DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder
from sheaabijah :
I totally understand. You want to be heard ~ you want someone to look inside and see you, and understand you. I'm sorry if I can't be the person who understands you in that way you're looking to be understood. But I do love you, and I will always be here for you.
from sheaabijah :
Laura, I want you to know that when I smile at you, I don't expect you to smile back if you don't want to/can't. I really don't. When I smile at you the way that I was, it is me looking at you with love, looking at you fondly, feeling such love and empathy for you in my heart. I sometimes want to weep for you. I cried quietly to myself tonight when I realized you had cut again. Even if I can't always express my feelings adequately to you in a way that you understand, please know that I have them deeply.
from sheaabijah :
(((love)))
from turnaround4u :
Good-bye-(HEHE) I LOVE this entry:) And just so you know, you are a GREAT friend. I feel like I always take from you. I cherish you so much Laura lu...I don't know what I would do without you:)
from mizzmemz :
what do u mean am i in it?..
from stardrips :
good job...i'm glad you get to rock your face off too :)
from sheaabijah :
Yay for shopping, caramel appletinis, lana, leah and New Zealand.
from sheaabijah :
It wasn't just you. It was the best test of my life, dude! :-D
from sheaabijah :
Really? I usually feel like life changes too much/too quicky...
from sheaabijah :
No, you're not.
from sheaabijah :
Don't worry about me, I fell asleep at about, oh, 5:30, and got up at 8, so I'm definately gonna fall exhaustedly into bed after my internship meeting (which is at 4), and won't have the inclination to bother you :-). Oh, and what's on TV on Wednesday besides Bachelor & Wifeswap? Anything? I think I'm giving up Bachelor...
from sheaabijah :
WELL....not trying to change your vote *at all*, but you should check out http://www.votenader.com/ just to see what all Nader (and mostly the green party even though he's not running green this time) believes in. It's interesting.
from stardrips :
that's great!
from mizzmemz :
yum ceaser dressing and geese! cant wait =]
from stardrips :
i'd be there if i was there
from stardrips :
i really like your new site theme thingy...
from sheaabijah :
Well, and you can always report them to the BBB if they turn out to be fraudulant.
from sheaabijah :
Nope.
from sheaabijah :
(((hugs)))
from sheaabijah :
Yay!
from mizzmemz :
love you laura keep your head up =]
from sheaabijah :
You put the "fun" in dysfunctional! BTW, I'm like the only person who comments lately...there's like, 17 comments from me!
from sheaabijah :
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~Isaiah 30:21
from sheaabijah :
(((hugs)))). I hope counseling goes well.
from sheaabijah :
Don't be stupid, spank a diploma. BTW, are you during your senior thesis next semester? If you are I guess you're not starting early like Mike Walk, huh? (I think he started like, in kindergarten). ;-P
from sheaabijah :
Don't forget to let us encourage you and help hold you up. We love you!
from sheaabijah :
Xanga I mean, Xanga *slaps forehead and says "doh!"*
from sheaabijah :
I posted all my info in my diaryland ~ so, she's not our mutual student chaplain then, or she just covers all three floors? Hmmm. I hope you don't get stuck in the same depression room!!
from sheaabijah :
Aww, don't dread school *yet*, lol! What classes are you taking? Also, what is your room #? I don't even know mine off the top of my head right now...it's written down somewhere though. I think we have the same student chaplain, though. I wanna at least try to go to grow group sometimes this year. The email from the SC said we don't have any freshman, so maybe they'll be a little deeper than last years, lol. :-)
from turnaround4u :
Laura, Laura, Laura...I wish I could help you with those questions, but they are so hard for me as well. I will be honest though. The whole time I was reading this entry, I was wondering if Mark was cheating on you. I mean he was going to cancel Friday and all of a sudden his plans changed. And how did he get to your house in 15 min? Where was he?? And where did he go Sat night?? That seems really fishy. (especially since he SNUCK out) And why were things different between you two? (Unless you just hooked up more than you wanted...) I mean I know it might be a drastic assumption, but all those things just make me really suspicious. Also, I am glad you are happy with him. I like him as well. The hard thing is, I really think that he needs to open up to you more. Communication is KEY...The first thing marriage counselors work on with couples is usually communication skills. The hard part is...he might just take a while to share things OR he might just never share every little thing. The decision you have to make is how important every little thing is to you. But you are right, I think every relationship will probably come with problems. I don't know though because I never fell in "real" love. People say you just know. You will have no doubts... I think if it was me, I would stay with him longer because you are happy. I would try to have patience with him opening up. Also, if the lust is a big issue for you, I would try to stop. I know it is easier to say than do. I would just try to take the physical area slower, at least until you have the emotional and mental areas on track. Maybe build up more trust? Maybe it just needs more time? The question is just how much time you are willing to give him. Also, how much time he is willing to give. Maybe he thinks there is nothing wrong with the relstionship. All those questions you asked are so good. I have no idea how to answer them. I struggle with the exact same ones. Let me know if you get other good advice:) Read my Boundaries book too...haha. (Rachael already read it so you could ask her if it would help, I have no idea.) I will be praying for you. I love you!! Hopefully, I will get to talk to you later. Night:).
from sheaabijah :
Love to you, lovely Laura.
from sheaabijah :
Well, since I still haven't gone back and read your older entries, I don't exactly know who Mark is---but congratulations on going out anyway! :-) Also, blessings for your yard sale this weekend! I will pray for it to go well!
from stardrips :
what's going on???
from mizzmemz :
happy birthday! =]
from stardrips :
hey, melissa, the one that visited eastern, just got married???? happy birthday too. i'm glad you got what you wanted - your diaries :) love ya
from liquidmemory :
Hey, good for you speaking up and being willing to hold back! :) I felt ill reading about it because I know that aweful situation only too well, laying there with your mind racing about how you SO don't want to be doing this but not doing anything about it either - immobilised you said. I'll never be in that situation again - I'll never keep quite and just go along to get along.
from turnaround4u :
You don't know how worried I am about all this!! haha... I feel like you are my daughter, I have no idea why I am so worried. I just care about you too much. I am SO PROUD OF YOU for talking to him. I do agree that talking to him was the right thing to do. I think your attitude about it is a great way to view things. If he lost interest, then he isn't what you are looking for. Man, you are just the interest of so many men right now!!! You could probably have your top choice from any variety. You deserve the BEST so choose wisely!:) Goodluck! Love you:)
from carebear333 :
Hey, sorry if I freaked you out reading your diary or whatever... but my name's Carolyn. I'm 17 and live in VA. I was bored and looking at diarys that started with C and I thought from the name of your page that maybe our names were the same... and I thought it'd be really interesting to see how different or similar our lives were. I know it sounds weird and sorry again if you're weirded out but I really enjoy reading your diary. If you want me to quit just say the word...
from mizzmemz :
i really appreciated you asking me if i still wanted to talk, i really felt good knowing that you cared if anything was wrong. i just wanted to let you know that that really made my day. you really are a great person. =] lots of love. -casandra
from mizzmemz :
hehe i was in teh city today too =] there was alot of cops around.. unusual there really are alot of homeless people but the sad part is half the people lie to pretend they really just need money to help them out when really they just need a little extra money in there pocket. its a shame because you would love to help them out but its the lack of trust on what theyll spend it on =[ your work sounds interesting. weird people eh? ttyl! love ya
from stardrips :
sorrry fore hte typose belowe
from stardrips :
people who shop where you work for food must not be getting enough of something that a regular grocery has cause they sound *crazy* -literally. i agree to that bitchyness thing but i wonder how that coincide with being a Xn? i don't know. you like younger guys, remember james? i had a dream that he lived in maine and that i was supposed to like him cause people were telling me that but i was like, "no, laura will be mad at me..." haha funny stuff love ya
from stardrips :
amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me...
from sheaabijah :
Hi you! So, you got a job then? yay! Is it an internship? Love you!
from mizzmemz :
yeah this world is screwed up..but your not your the most greatest person ive probably ever met in my life..please if there is anything u need to talk about im here and you know why number dont ever be afraid to call you were here for me and i will always be here for you..im sorry that your going through depression everything will get better you really truely deserve the world..im always here for you..you are verry special to me you really are im praying for you. its because of YOU i can do that again.you really truely are special.love you casandra
from stardrips :
you have to realize, that when you're excited about doing good things, you are going to be come up against. the devil knows your weaknesses and wants to use them against you, but that's where you need to let god come in cause when you are weak, then you are strong. there's a battle for you laura, and i totally see good things in you. you want to help people and give your life for them and that's amazing. i couldn't do it. probably not many people can, but it needs to be done. so, you are a target. keep up your shield of faith. god wouldn't tell you you couldn't do these dreams of yours. he's given them to you. he believes in you. you are his daughter. you are holy and blameless before him whether you feel like it or not. just accept it and live freely. you are lovely laura. love you
from mizzmemz :
i am verry thankful for our talk..and you mean alot to me.. you have the power to do anything stay strong..i will be praying for you =] your a wonderful person and you deserve the world..dont let things drag you down..love always casandra ps. im always here for you
from sheaabijah :
"Come and knock on my door..." and I'll give you a back rub. :-)
from stardrips :
lovely laura...
from stardrips :
holy crap, i can't read all that in one sitting :)
from sheaabijah :
You have such gift, and such a calling. I know in my heart that He wants to use you in such special ways. But He wants to fill *your* heart the way you want to fill the hearts of others; all that love and compassion you feel for everyone else on earth, He feels for you magnified by the number of stars in the sky. *~*~love~*~*
from stardrips :
just that cry from your heart is more lovely to him than you could ever know....read ezekial 16...it's beautiful
from sheaabijah :
Hey CL :-). Hooray for your happiness. Hooray for having dinner with James. Hooray for "Him in whom we live and move and have our being."~Sabrina
from stardrips :
you go, girl!!! (that's such a funny thing to say)
from stardrips :
that's really beautiful. it helped me. thanks, lovely laura
from stardrips :
i keep checking to see if you've added a new entry or not....
from stardrips :
you are not dirty. read ezekial 16. it's beautiful...remember that each day is new and full of bright mercy and breezy grace!
from stardrips :
landi turner doesn't think it's a sin or at least that's the impression i got from her.
from stardrips :
love you
from cryitallaway :
i love you.. guess who? I have blue eyes... and dark hair. and im 5'7. you've never met me in real life either.. hehehe. keep it real gooba! lovin you!
from kickassrvue :
ok all you have to do, is go to add an entry, and put % % diaryring_THERINGNAMEHERE % % (without the spaces) then hit enter, and do the same for all of your rings. Then add that entry. The go to your "change your template" section under Alter your diary, and go to the first click here under the title "Make custom html changes". There you will find your html code. Scroll down and find the section that has all of your links. It should be probably towards the bottom. Now I would suggest putting the <a h*r*e*f ="url to ring page here">Rings</a>(without the stars) under the code for the profile link. There is enough room there, and technically your rings are info about you and them. Ask me if you have any other questions.
from un-c-review :
review's up <3
from kickassrvue :
Your review is up!
from kickassrvue :
Hey! I was just writing to let you know that Kick Ass Reviews would love to review your diary and that you would be one of the first ones. Just come on by and stop in, give us a go. Thanks!
from mizzmemz :
hello i just read on of your blogs and it really hit the spot to what i needed to hear.. about being depressed thank you =]
from xzorakx :
I randomly surfed into your journal from the vegetarian ring. If you have some spare time in the near distant future, I stronly recomend you check out a book by Anne Lamott called "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith." It is kind of an autobiographical work on how she comes to faith, despite hardship and finds strength in God. She doesn't gloss anything over, nor does she become the image of the perfect Christian as she comes to faith. She just presents her life honestly and poignantly.
from liquidmemory :
I think I get it. If you don�t consider yourself having a choice in a situation, it�s easy to just do it without too much fuss. However, the moment you start THINKING about it is the moment you become severely inclined to do it. Ha ha � that�s what�s happened to me at work. We all know I�m rubbish when it comes to making phone calls. I know I should and must, but I agonize over it endlessly. At work, however, when my boss says call, I don�t have the option of not doing it so I suck down my fears and place the call. Alone, however, I have as much trouble as I ever did � precisely because I know it�s up to me to choose whether to do it or not. That�s what makes trusting God so hard � we perceive that we have the choice to do so. I fought with this so long and so hard all of my life. I WANTED to follow God, but somehow I couldn�t FORCE myself to choose it. The turn around for me was when I realized that I didn�t have a choice but to follow God. This happened when I realized that I did, indeed, believe that he existed and that this was something that would never change; it was an ingrained part of me. This presented me with a choice: to follow him or go through mental gymnastics trying to make it ok in my mind that I wasn�t following him. I realized that if I were to live as if he did not exist - when I knew beyond any doubt that he did - would leave me in constant agony all of my life. I would always be fighting myself, always feeling bad and guilty. To put it simply, I realized that I really didn�t have a choice but to follow him. Not that my free will was taken away, never would he do that, but the decision was made easy: Do I choose the happy peaceful life or the unendingly agonizing one? That�s not real hard to figure out. I knew that in the end I would come to the same place of believing in and following God � would I do it now and let him work in my life or do I wait until I�ve caused myself such pain and heartache? There really isn�t much of a choice.
from liquidmemory :
Yes, I guess I was trying to make myself feel better about it. You're right, it's not that easy. I wish I'd never gotten myself into this mess. Blech. It aint worth the stress or burden.
from liquidmemory :
Thanks ever so much for that. Luv you.
from liquidmemory :
Laura, I'm so sorry. Please, be merciful to yourself. You deserve life and health. I shall come down tonight. Please share with me your phone number so that I can call you when I get there (I don't know the codes or even which dorm you're in). I don't know if you work or not. Let me know if you can. I'll see you tonight.
from riptorn :
Thanks for the note and the guestbook message. Sorry it took me so long to reply. Everything isn't set up agreeably right now (diary-wise) and I constantly forget to check my notes/gbook section. But yeah, thank you. It's nice to know that I'm not alone and that someone else can relate.
from paulmx :
Hola. �Hablas espa�ol?
from liquidmemory :
Hmm. 'OP' might easily have been called 'Ego'. Then again, I see ego in all things, as the bases of all sin. Ego IS our 'old man' who must do the dying when we are born again. It's amazing how ego can twist our minds so that we can't even see it... It is the ROOT of the tree of good and evil - it is what causes us to say in the first place "I can be like God, I can know good and evil." And it is that deception which causes us to turn away from God - what do we need to rely on Him for if we already have that knowledge in ourselves? That in itself is based on the ego's lie, and everything that comes after. It is our ego which we give up to God, and the lie of thinking we know everything which we think we know. In reality, we know nothing and must submit to the omnipotence of the Lord. The problem is, our ego is a jealous thing and would sooner see us dead than give up it's hold on us.
from vividverbose :
18F
from vividverbose :
thank you so much! i feel a little pressure now its weird, i didnt know anybody read my stuff thats crazy
from liquidmemory :
LOL - Sorry!!! Me and my bad spelling. I didn't mean to hurry, I meant something like "Huzzah!" You know, 'Good for you!' - that sort of thing. Hurrah? I still can't spell it. I'm just glad that your taking the bull by the horns, taking the first steps toward loving yourself.
from liquidmemory :
Hurry, Laura! I'm so happy for you. I have an appointment (finally) this Monday with a counselor. Feeling just a bit silly, since I happen to be on an upswing just now, but it's all good. I know better than to trust my current mood. ;>
from liquidmemory :
Sweety, I got your note. Of course you can read it. I hadn't wanted to let you know of it until was sure I'd write in it consistantly, I didn't want to waste your time! I really started it to pass the time at work and in this computer class (where I'm writing you from this Sunday afternoon). I also recieved your birthday gift. You sure know me! It was perfect because I am in desperate need of some new clothing. I've been decluttering my closet and have come to realize I have so few items I actually wear and I'm so bored with them already! Did you recieve my letters? I thought you were upset with me b/c you didn't include a note or anything with the gift card. I love you. ~Tam
from daemonchild :
Hey, thanks for the note. The layout was done by matsoncrack (http://matsoncrack.diaryland.com) which is a custom design site that's run by a guy I know. He works with individual diarists to create free custom layouts, which invariably kick ass. He designed my friend Sarah's layout, too (she's http://tankgirl455.diaryland.com).
from punchinello :
You're writing reminds me of Anne's. Laura, don't give up. There is a God who loves you, no matter what. No matter what.
from ravenlaw :
Having just finished my e-mail to you I remained frustrated at not having any real idea of what's going on with you, how you've been basically since my brief visit months ago. I still didn't know your live journey name and had assumed your diaryland diary was no longer in use. However, on a whim and in desperation to know of you, I checked it out anyway and was shocked and very happy to see that it was active again. I read greedily the few entries you've added since November and laughed and cried and am so much more anxious then ever to see you and talk to you. Your words never fail to touch me. With love, Tammy

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