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I added more that I had left out in my haste to spew everything out. I've been trying to write about his being born, but all of this is in the way. A lot of people feel a lot of these things. I'm not sure how many of them end up content with their decision when they decide what has to give.

from kelsi :

Not that I know anything, and not that this will help, but I'm pretty sure that what you're feeling is normal and what you're experiencing is not uncommon. I mean, I've read about it before. Hang in there, lady!

from kelsi :

Ms. Cakes, I have been thinking of you this weekend and wondering how much more to go. 5 days! Good luck(?) - I don't know what I'm supposed to say but know that I'm thinking of you and excited for you!

from boombasticat :

No, no. Your song came through formatted and everything. And I totally agree. I don't know why I like the song so much. It's so simple but it's just got a hold of me. I can't remember the last time a song did this to me. I wonder what the brain chemistry is there, when a song grabs you and takes over for a few days.

from melle-belle :

Nobody's divorcing anyone at the moment. If I have them, I want to still travel but it feels like a consolation prize. I'm about to start a new job and once again having enough vacation time and being allowed to use what is rightfully mine without repercussion will be an issue. I feel like I have so much I have to do before the black cloud that is children descends. I don't know why I think they are going to be awful people that I will begrudgingly deal with as they get older. Most parents and children that I see don't make me want to do it.

from kelsi :

You must do what you must do. Of course there's nothing that says you couldn't bring your kid along with you - wouldn't that have been a fantastic childhood, to know what the light in the south of France is like? But do what you must. Life is weird. Have we already agreed on that? Life is weird.

from melle-belle :

All I've read is The Penelopiad and Morning in the Burned House, but I loved both.

from boombasticat :

Tore through The Handmaid's Tale about a year ago. Took my breath away. Now just beginning The Blind Assassin. Complicated book, but she's the kind of writer you just trust and you keep going.

from melle-belle :

I might still have online library access at either UB or JHU. I'll try both and see if I can get to it. If not, Albuquerque Public Library. I like a goose chase.

from boombasticat :

No go online. The New Yorker's pretty good about locking down their copyrighted material. It's from the June 11, 2007 issue. I wish I could send it your way. I really liked it a lot.

from boombasticat :

I'd never before read that Miranda July thing but it's great. One of my favorite short stories is by her. It's called "Roy Spivey." If you can find it, I think you'd like it. Also, thanks for the kind words about my photos. And sorry that you're leaving Charm City, but I hope the next place is a good one.

from melle-belle :

Practical considerations are not the ones spurring this desire, but do help convince my husband. The practical reason for taking this cross-country-in-reverse-epic-roadtrip is that they may only pay to move one car, or they may only pay for one rental car until the moved cars arrive. Since he'd be holed away in secret, classified facilities without access to his cell phone all day behind security fences, I can't really drop him off and take the rental car. So, how am I supposed do job-search related outings, look for a place to live, visit every farmer's market in the area? HOW, I ask, HOW?

from kelsi :

I just talked to someone who had recently gone to Costa Rica - she'd gone there as a kid with her family and had gotten caught in a riptide, and this time she went to the same places and got caught in a riptide again. She said it made her ecstatic, being able to recreate that event from her childhood. It's important to retrace our steps sometimes, I think - gives us an opportunity to measure how much things have changed.

from melle-belle :

Ha. Thanks. I loved it when I first moved here. I was drunk most of the time, but that probably wasn't the only reason. Everything rubs like sandpaper for the last couple years though. The small annoyances have become all I see. How many times a day can I be almost run over, or asked for money? And, maybe, the gist of it is that I'm all about the desert. I want to live in the desert. Going west is quite mystical for me. That was dumb.

from boombasticat :

I'm sorry you dislike my town, but I enjoy your diary.

from melle-belle :

It's from his first, and I believe only, novel - The People of Paper. There's so much to love about that passage: "They colonize everything: the Americas, our stories, our novels, our memories..." Makes my heart hurt.

from kelsi :

Oh my that's beautiful... will have to read more of his stuff. And I got clear to the first "white boy" mention before I considered that the main/left narrator might not be female.

from melle-belle :

No, I didn't know that. Mine got married this summer. I don't feel ANYTHING for him anymore. I just shake my head about the whole thing. As for the other one, there will always be a gut reaction. I hate it, but I guess it means it was real.

from kelsi :

My pink-shirted prick got married a few years ago... did I tell you? I can't imagine it, really, can't imagine him being nice enough to anyone to actually marry them. Also, I'm not sure why I let him crush me so bad. It was great fun while it lasted - quite beautiful, really, for a few weeks or even months, but that's it, really. He wasn't as important as I imagined him to be.

from melle-belle :

I hope awareness counts for something, because it's about all I managed to salvage.

from kelsi :

I don't have a great relationship with my mom either - not bad, just not warm and never has been. She's always been cool and distant with me, never motherly at all. I think it's something that's been passed down through generations of her family - my grandma is also like this, although now that she's older she's gotten nicer. I've sometimes found myself treating others this way too - family members, children, boyfriends, even dogs. I don't want to perpetuate the cycle, but then, it's how I was raised and it's what I know. If I'm ever lucky enough to have my own daughter, I hope I won't treat her like that. I guess awareness is the first step in breaking the cycle?

from avantbedroc :

love yr current entry :-)

from avantbedroc :

hi there, im your friendly stalker, savin everythin bout you, not creepy or nuthin'

from melle-belle :

For the most part, numbness has served me well. However, my current class on Existentialism is not helping. Apparently, life requires choices.

from avantbedroc :

entry *trying to figure out how to save my life* sooo good to read right now. i'm in the same boat. good luck my friend xx

from kelsi :

You are a smart girl. The getting there is not the point, because there is no 'there', and, even if there is, if you ever got there you wouldn't want to stay there. The point is the getting, which you've been doing. Okay? Be proud of your pursuit of knowledge! (I am qualified to say these things and am not a hypocrite.)

from melle-belle :

and hello to you too

from avantbedroc :

hello miss newly-wed!

from melle-belle :

Holy notes, batman. I never check the spam-ridden email to which my diaryland notifications go. Library master, I like it.

from avantbedroc :

more like library master!

from kelsi :

Yes! When I lived in Seattle I went to an information session about the MLS program at UW. (Decided instead to finish the degree I'd already started before starting a new one.) I was and still am quite interested in it. Yeah, totally. Totally!

from xorbit :

Hello. Found you via 'recent entries'. Adding you. Can relate to several things you say. Also used to want to be an archaeologist (and later a librarian). Cheers!

from usb-port :

and a happy birthday to yourself as well.

from melle-belle :

Yes and no. I don't like her and I don't like him lying regarding her. No fatalies yet, however.

from melle-belle :

Yes and no. I don't like her and I don't like him lying regarding her. No fatalies yet, however.

from kelsi :

Mmm, not that I know anything, but it doesn't sound like you've found out anything that's going to prove to be fatal, unless you want it to be.

from melle-belle :

I ponder details for hours. I'm such a sicko.

from kelsi :

Ah poo - sorry about the worry and trouble. Carolyn Hax would say you should talk to him about it. You're golden, though, you know - and you do know that. Still, I see how upsetting it could be.

from kelsi :

What's going on?

from kelsi :

I know! At first I thought they all belonged to the same group of friends and were wearing the flannel shirts as a joke. But they weren't! They were separate groups! Yeah, I'm not into a lot of the fashion these days. Which means I am supremely uncool.

from kelsi :

Yes, the winter is dragging on a bit. But it'll end soon enough, ho hum. Looks like you had a great vacation! You look happy.

from kelsi :

re: no art in happy endings - Rob Brezsny's talked about this, rejecting the notion that you have to suffer for art. Can't quite remember what he said, but it was heartening. Don't be disheartened.

from kelsi :

I've been noticing that my fingernails are bitten down worse than normal lately. Bad. I hope you're having fun!

from usb-port :

forgive me, you looked like someone i used to know. the compliment is yours to keep, however.

from usb-port :

missed you. drop me an email. p.s. still beautiful. you, not me.

from kelsi :

Congratulations, you prize winning poet!

from boombasticat :

Toni Morrison's the real deal. What's the first most beautiful thing you've ever read?

from kelsi :

re: mirrors and window reflections - I laughed out loud at that. And can relate.

from kelsi :

Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes, Langhorne Slim...

from kelsi :

Congratulations on the changes! I'm going to get an English degree vicariously through you. I already have one but hated getting it and I wish I hadn't been so unhappy then so I could have gotten a little more out of it. Please take creative writing classes and tell me what your assignments are.

from kelsi :

27 is the best age and after that it just gets better. (Even though, logically, that can't be true, it is.) Happy birthday! ? or whenever.

from kelsi :

Fucking pink shirts.

from kelsi :

Karma works in mysterious ways.

from errantnights :

If nobody's around to hear it, quantum theory dictates that a tree ~can't~ fall in the forest. How crazy is that?

from elliestuff :

Hey, thanks for the note. I'm not sure Danny Noriega would really like my fan fiction, but its fun.

from raven72d :

You're a lovely discovery: I do like your thoughts and entries.

from elliestuff :

Its so expensive to live in California.

from kohai4 :

Broke. Amen.

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