messages to starhearts:
(click here to add new message):

from fairygodmum :
3/23/22 Just sayin hi... HI.... Hope all is good.. just finally figured out my password... lol
from perdidolobo :
swung by again to see if you're still on dland. Hope you are well. David
from sduckie :
hi star, haven't seen you in quite awhile... would love to read you but don't think I have your password. Wanna send it to me at [email protected]?
from perdidolobo :
Hello. Not sure if you're still writing here or not. Just thought I'd come say high.
from lobo21 :
Hello! All locked up for the holidays :) I hope you are have a very good Christmas season so far. Merry Christmas!
from lobo21 :
:) thank you for the note. I wouldn't say better company, lol, maybe just a change in the weather would be nice. Some snow? Hmmm...hopefully within the next month some white stuff will fall. Guess you don't say that much over there eh? Take care.
from lobo21 :
Hey there! I am so happy to get a note from you! How have you been. I am very glad to hear you have found yourself comfortable joining a service again. I do hope your meeting goes very well. :) Please let me know what's happening in your life. Blessings and prayers. David
from lobo21 :
Hey there. Absolutely will pray for you and your move to open up things with the church again. I wish you much luck in that process and hope things aside from that are going well. Blessings. David
from lobo21 :
Happy Easter to you too
from sduckie :
It's a 3mg dose, seems to work. Actually too the bottle says it expired April 2007. Ha! But I'm taking it anyway.
from sduckie :
No, Steffy has no family in this area... that's why the wedding is out of state! So I guess that's why bridesmaid #1 feels it's necessary to have a party down here...
from jaysthoughts :
I'd like to say the blonde comment was just a little thing, but truthfully every woman who feels like you that I've ever known or heard of will ultimately admit to herself that she is dissatisfied in the relationship in being unappreciated or collapse into a defeat from which she never fully rises..of saying.. I deserve this. But whatever you believe you deserve it is a FACT that a woman needs to be cherished ,needed, and feel unresistable instead of just.. dispensable. You will ultimately either decide that you matter enough that you have to get what you need to feel any semblance of self worth or accept having very little. I am hoping for the former.
from lobo21 :
glad to hear a day is looking good for a change. I am glad we have a God who answers prayers and opens doors. Be blessed C.
from lobo21 :
hello. I know it's bleak right now but I know you will make it. Many prayers for you. I hope you take a moment now and then for yourself. Hopefully de-stress and what you cannot do yourself ask the Lord to do for you for nothing is impossible for Him. ~~hugs~~
from sduckie :
hi Stargirl, try tv-dome, all the shows are there and movies too. Love, Duck
from mskindasorta :
Sorry things are not going well at the moment..you're a fighter though. I have used a herbal sleeping tablet and f9und it helped a little bit. Baileys works too!
from sduckie :
Regarding Shelby no, it's not any drama about his wife. She knows everything already. More about his personality. I hope you can figure things out soon!
from lobo21 :
lol, I don't know about that. More to me a cry out in frustration. Take care
from lobo21 :
hi ya. Thanks for the notes! I do have a place to start. Talk to God (used to be on dland) is a wonderful source for uplifting devotion to the Lord. I find his insight very good. I will get you more as i find them. Here's his one http://bickleyhouse.wordpress.com/2010/10/30/my-hope-is-in-the-name-of-the-lord/ take care
from lobo21 :
hey you. That is awesome. I am praying you find your way and things continue to improve. You are in my prayers as always. Sorry I didn't get back to you on your lamentations question, I had no answers. still long ways to go in my walk as well. Be blessed. ~~hugs~~
from lobo21 :
hi there. I'm sorry to hear things aren't looking any better. I hope you can find a way to do the things you need to do for yourself, to be able to get back to place of being ok. Prayers.
from sduckie :
Oh C sorry to hear this has happened. I think you are on the right path taking good care of yourself, I know this is hard, but it sounds like Steve cannot really handle being in relationship, as sad as that is.Please be very good to yourself!! Love Duck
from lobo21 :
hey there. SO sorry to hear Steve left without a word to you. I can imagine how stunned you must be. Yes, would love to chat with you when you have some time. Thinking and praying for you. Take care.
from lobo21 :
hey there. Thanks for the note. The creed is from the First United Church, my old church. It's called "The New Creed" something I enjoyed very much reciting during worship. Take care.
from lobo21 :
thoughts for you and many many prayers for you and Steve. Take care.
from sduckie :
Hi Star if you get a chance send me your passwords, my email is [email protected], hope all is well
from lobo21 :
Ayup, fully understand. I hope work gets better. Email is [email protected] Take care.
from lobo21 :
hey there. Hope things are brighter. Guess your entries are locked up if you are giving the username and password out, I happily look forward to reading your entries. Take care and God Bless.
from fan4 :
sorry to hear you're having problems with your job and two family members.
from sduckie :
Yes I am fine just been busy! Thanks for checking up on me! :)
from straysparrow :
There are non-profit credit counsellors in Ontario. I forget the name but its in the book "Balancing act" by Joanne Thomas Yaccato. They help you work with the money you have and learn what your options are. I think you really need someone to talk to about this. You can't do it alone.
from straysparrow :
I've been reading a lot about finances lately and how to balance things out. One book that I really liked was called "How to get out of debt, stay out of debt and live prosperously" by Jerrold Mundis. It might be worth looking it up in your local library and giving it a read (as well as any other books you can find to get different perspectives).
from sduckie :
Hope you are doing okay Christine...
from fan4 :
*hugs*
from fan4 :
Happy Belated birthday!
from lobo21 :
Happy Birthday! Welcome to 40, I've been here for a few months now, it's not so bad. After a while you don't even think about it, well until someone the their thirties brings it up. :) I truly hope you have a good one. Take care.
from sduckie :
No matter how much you love a person, sometimes they're just not capable. I had to learn that with M. Christine, when you write more about someone else in your diary than you do about yourself, that shows all your energy is on Steve. Bring your energy and focus back to yourself, love. Take time and care and nurture yourself... you are worth it.
from lobo21 :
hey. I hope things turn around for you. It's especially tough this time of year. I sure hope you find a way to put life together and go forward. You are in my prayers. Take care.
from straysparrow :
There is always a point. Its just not always easy to see. You will get through this. Sometimes you have to lead with your heart and sometimes you have to lead with your head. It sounds like your head knows what to do this time. Follow it. Think of the possibility that the future will be better, even though the now is not so much fun. Have faith in yourself. I have faith in you. S xx.
from sduckie :
It is not so much about brain chemicals, but has a lot more to do with whether or not you felt abandoned as a little kid, if they weren't around a lot or you felt you never got enough attention.... it then goes on to play out in relationships. You never really write about your parents, so I don't know what your history is with them...
from sduckie :
Hi C, the most important thing is to notice patterns. It sounds like you have realized that basically you've done the same thing with Wilf and John and Steve- you are always overworking in relationship to fix and manage and patch things up but in the end, that's not what makes a love relationship. Nowadays I tend to believe what men tell me: if a guy tells me he's not sure, or not ready, to be in relationship, I believe him. If a guy told me he wasn't sure if he loved me or didn't know what love was, I would believe him. And truthfully because of the autism I don't think some of the things with Steve will change: he will probably always freak out about a lot of shifts and changes in his environment, he might never properly take care of himself, etc. etc. When you talk about buying him clothes it's almost like he is a child. And even if you are nice and fix things financially it doesn't seem like that is going to make him or his family love you. It is up to you but it sounds like you are running yourself ragged! For me I have chosen to walk away from Smitten even though it is painful and I want to be with him, but in the end I just feel used and unappreciated. I'm tired of feeling that way.
from fan4 :
Sorry things haven't been working out. I hope things eventually do improve. *hugs*
from lobo21 :
yeah, fix that note thing will you? lol Miss talking with you. Thank you for the notes you've been leaving, very much appreciate all your comments. Hope you find a way to make things work over there. All the best a many ~~hugs~~.
from fan4 :
*gives you a puzzled look* I'm able to leave you notes, but have to visit your profile to do so. If I click on the "notes" link in your diary, that's when I get an error message.
from fan4 :
UW=University of Washington
from fan4 :
How did the interview go? The link to your notes page doesnt work.
from fan4 :
*hugs*
from sduckie :
Where you been?
from sduckie :
Welcome back C, have missed your updating. Seems this incident with Steve might bring up the need to think about if this is the relationship you would want for the rest of your life? I'm sure it will always be a balance between giving him enough space and being together.... in any case hope you can figure out what's best, get some rest and enjoy the remaining weekend... Love, Duck
from lobo21 :
Hi ya! Thanks forthe note. Happy Easter! I hope you get a lot of chocolate bunnies and of course feel blessed on this day.
from sduckie :
I don't know what the penguin suit is about, apparently it's just his sense of humor!
from lobo21 :
I am hoping you are feeling better soon. Sick is not fun. I am also praying your churches get on track and I am praying for you at your meeting tonight. Wishing you well. ~~hugs~~
from lobo21 :
I am hoping you are feeling better soon. Sick is not fun. I am also praying your churches get on track and I am praying for you at your meeting tonight. Wishing you well. ~~hugs~~
from lobo21 :
men,men,men....what to do...what to do???? Why do you feel you have to do anything? Why not let life play itself out and maybe stress a little less about things. Taking care of oneself usually takes up most peoples time. You seem to have got a lot of juggling going on. I think you've pretty much figured out where everybody is coming from and what they each want but it doesn't quite line up with what you want. So why not let all those juggling balls fall where they may and wait for what you want? Just wondering.
from lobo21 :
men,men,men....what to do...what to do???? Why do you feel you have to do anything? Why not let life play itself out and maybe stress a little less about things. Taking care of oneself usually takes up most peoples time. You seem to have got a lot of juggling going on. I think you've pretty much figured out where everybody is coming from and what they each want but it doesn't quite line up with what you want. So why not let all those juggling balls fall where they may and wait for what you want? Just wondering.
from lobo21 :
men,men,men....what to do...what to do???? Why do you feel you have to do anything? Why not let life play itself out and maybe stress a little less about things. Taking care of oneself usually takes up most peoples time. You seem to have got a lot of juggling going on. I think you've pretty much figured out where everybody is coming from and what they each want but it doesn't quite line up with what you want. So why not let all those juggling balls fall where they may and wait for what you want? Just wondering.
from casa-rosie :
I am amazed that Steve has the ability to understand where his feelings are and to be specific about them, and also to request a break in the action. I am a little surprised that you are pushing the issue, considering his request. I would have said, "Fair enough, if that is how you feel, let's leave it be. I'm still your friend, and if you want to watch a movie or go have coffee, then I'd love to still do things like that. But I will wait for you to call, OK?" You need to make sure you are respecting his choices and his decisions, even if those decisions aren't the ones you think you want. If he said no, and meant no, then what are your actions telling him?
from sduckie :
For what it's worth, the feedback I've gotten is that most men cannot think about relationship until they feel settled themselves- think about- men are taught that they will need to figure out a way to provide for themselves, find their purpose, and then eventually provide for someone else, wife and children. A lot of girls get the message in childhood that their prince will come and take care of them. As we grow up we learn we can work if we want, and contribute, but a lot of us are still into the dream of meeting a guy that will provide everything. But guys have more pressure to be that provider- so most guys don't feel good about themselves unless they know they have a good job and doing something worthwhile, then they feel ready to add someone else to the mix. Right now of course Steve might lose his job and that probably is a big worry, as well as having to depend on and live with his sister, which will probably feel emasculating. No wonder he is worried. And if a guy feels pressured by a woman's need to know, to have an exact timeline, and make things happen before he's ready, then her love can feel like a demanding neediness he can't fill, and he will give up. You might want to try just backing off a little, still being pleasant to hear from him, etc, but just leave the ball in his court, go out and hang with the girls, spend a lot of time doing what you love, and this will make you more attractive and he will pursue you because you are no longer needing him as much but suddenly being more yourself. I don't know what any aspect of Asperger's may play in this, but this seems to be the general rule of men. :) Love, Duck
from lobo21 :
I am happy for you and hope everything works out for the best. Take care.
from lobo21 :
I am happy for you and hope everything works out for the best. Take care.
from casa-rosie :
Welcome to the world of Aspergers. The way Steve is acting is actually not unusual for someone who is an aspie, and I do think it is best for each of you to have some space at this time. You need to learn how to be comfortable with YOU, and once you do that, THEN you will be ready to find someone to add to your life. And the "chickens" thing...out here, we say "Chicken's done!" referring to the way a woman's nipples will pop out when she gets cold, rather the way one of those Turkey timers pops out when the bird is done. Now you know!
from lobo21 :
Sometimes I catch myself saying too much info and then I realize, hey this is your diary. lol Ah getting chilly there huh...Brr chickens is a good one. Prayers for you and the churches.
from sduckie :
Sounds like you are doing well just taking things one step at a time. And if you can realize that sometimes missing John is more of a habit and a longing than realistic- because in reality he locked you out, did stuff behind your back, didn't give you love and affection you needed. So sometimes it is just better to be on one's own. And here you are in a place where you actually sound more positive and coping in a healthy way. Good luck and lots of love to you! D
from casa-rosie :
Today, when your psychiatrist's office opens, I highly suggest that you make an emergency appointment. Take with you the printouts of your diary for the last couple of months. I don't think the meds that you are on are addressing your issues in a good way, and your written words will help your Doctor assess your current mental state and get you the support that you need.
from sduckie :
In my experience men have told me that they focus on the big picture- when in relationship, they factor in whether or not the woman fits in with their life plan- including career and any goals they have for themselves. They are much less likely to "throw it all away for love" like women will. And I don't know what kind of guy Steve is or how Asberger's affects his feelings and thoughts, and abilities either.
from sduckie :
No, Red and I are like brother and sister... we are not each other's type, and that's been made that clear. I know his behavior is for the reasons I pointed out, and he even admitted it... so, no romance here... glad to hear the court thing could work out to your advantage. Love, Duck
from fairygodmum :
Gurl... I stay positive by meditating a lot. Although when I'm faced with difficulties, I realize that everything is actually OK. It's all in my mind, when I get upset about things. Kinda like... I just stop thinking so much about what I want, and accept everything as a gift from God/Buddha
from lobo21 :
A new year, hopefully a new start for some of us. I wish you lots of love, prayers, and hope for the future.~~hugs~~
from fairygodmum :
Gurl.. it's a New Year and a New Beginning. Let this be the time to move forward and let sleeping dogs lie. Remember no one controls you, but you. You are in control of your Universe and you are strong and positive that this too will pass. Begin again! Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from sduckie :
Of course I want someone who can be vulnerable. But I'm talking BROKEN, as in not ready to be in another relationship... interesting to notice. Sorry you are not able to have the slightest contact with Steve... that sucks.
from lobo21 :
Wow, things really crash hard in your world. How is it that everyone who can affect you has a relationship to Steve. Doctor, Warden.... I am praying you get on some even ground soon. ~~hugs~~
from sduckie :
Happy Birthday Christine! Sorry things are so dramatic, it is probably good to notice these things at the beginning of a relationship- the family of the guy, and also his skills and limits at certain things... then you can decide if it's the right person or not. Well I hope you work something out to your satisfaction and enjoy the day. Love, Duck
from lobo21 :
Happy Birthday C!!!! Hope you find some time to enjoy. Take care.
from lobo21 :
hiya. Thanks for the notes. Thinking of you too. Reading your entries and knowing things probably aren't perfect. I wish you well and I hope in the end you finally get what you are looking for, but I have to think you need some time to strengthen your own life before you jump into another relationship. Just my words. ~~hugs~~
from sduckie :
Happy Holidays, C... :)
from sduckie :
Well I prefer not to put all my eggs in one basket in this case... I mean, I have only known Swing about a week and he's said some nice things. But I've since learned that there can be a big difference between what someone says they want to give you and what they can actually deliver... so I'll see how it goes! Hope you continue to feel better and put things in order! Love, Duck
from aliannmil :
For information on BP, this site is excellent,(http://www.bipolarworld.net/) there are also good books out there that can help you to understand your illness and management. It is manageable and yes, knowing really is half the battle. Make sure you visit a Psychiatrist to verify the diagnosis (you don't say if you saw a shrink or not but I believe it's best to stick with the specialist.) Good Luck.
from lobo21 :
Too much for one person to deal with. I hope you get some help and I hope you get a lot of rest. ~~hugs~~
from lobo21 :
Too much for one person to deal with. I hope you get some help and I hope you get a lot of rest. ~~hugs~~
from sduckie :
wondering how you are and hope all is ok. my email is [email protected] if you wanna give me your password... I would like to keep on reading! Love, Duck
from casa-rosie :
You know where to reach me if you are sharing the password.
from fairygodmum :
Please email me your password at: [email protected]
from lobo21 :
Ok, just got your note. Hope all is well. :)
from lobo21 :
Hi ya. Came by and no one was home? Is your diary on a shorterm hiatus from all or just some people? Hope to hear from you.~~hugs~~
from casa-rosie :
John has told you loud and clear how he feels...or doesn't feel. I'd say it's time to stop beating a dead horse, and find another pony to ride.
from straysparrow :
photobucket is good as far as I know, though I've never used it. The one you are thinking of is flickr (www.flickr.com). I have a flickr account. Its pretty easy to use.
from lobo21 :
I like photobucket. Very easy to use, it even gives you the html code to put on your dland acct.
from christagaban :
hello. my name is chris (obviously). i'm looking for new friends. i haven't used diaryland in like...years so in the meantime i was hoping (if you're interested) you could maybe add me on myspace if you want? myspace.com/christagaban
from lobo21 :
I am happy you and John had a nice outing together. take care.
from lobo21 :
I am happy you and John had a nice outing together. take care.
from lobo21 :
just a quick hi. Saw you on the here and now. Hope you are doing alright.
from sduckie :
You might have to make a list of pros and cons and weigh them out. What is John providing for you in this relationship? If he doesn't love you and won't have sex with you, he may never do those things.... is it worth it for you?
from sduckie :
Thanks for your note. I'm wondering how counseling is helping with any of these issues with John. Maybe he loves you, but not the way you want/need to be loved and shown. And he might not ever do that. So where to go from here? That is always a hard question. I do hope you can take good care of yourself today, get some rest and feel better.
from casa-rosie :
Sending a new email, but I'm a bit tipsy, so it will take a while, OK?
from fairygodmum :
Hey gurl... thanks for the note. I really appreciate your concern. As I read your diary all the time, and I always enjoy and give you my full support. Although I may be a couch potatoe, I still get up the energy to do something positive everyday. Today it's going down to City Hall to get apsentee ballots. You are a great person and meditation would be something positive in your life. This teaching that I practice allows one to eliminate the negative karma in ones life, while elevating ones consciousness. You can practice on your own, but I find that attending services and meditation really helps me to keep on track. Although there arn't many temples in the USA, there are meeting places in many cities. They get together and talk about their lives and the teaching. They also discuss how to chant and do the practice in ones daily life. That part I really get, as I'm learning everyday on my own what I must do to improve other's lives as well as my own. I hope that we can talk about this more and you can always email me or we can discuss on IM or on the phone. I'd be glad to call you as I believe I have free long distance. Hope all is well and talk to you soon! Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from casa-rosie :
Sending you an e-mail to your posted addy, let me know if you don't get it!
from lobo21 :
Hi. Just reading your last entry and it looks like you've taken a long look at things. That's Great!!! I am happy for you that you are seeing John in a different light and realize that your life is yours to make the most out of. Question, through all this time you have not mentioned much on leaning on Jesus and putting your faith in him. I know you can get by but there is a point we all have to lay our burdens apon Him. There is a point to all this struggle. We've been given responsibilities in this world and as much as we would like to change life sometimes, some times we all have to pull up our socks and deal. I hope things don't get to point where your worst case senario comes to pass. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I'm hoping in time you and your children can build a better relationship. All my best.
from straysparrow :
If you have a gold account, you can upload pics directly. There are instructions around somewhere (I would check the right hand column near the top). If not you can embed pics from another sight. I suggest flickr or photobucket, they seem to be the most popular. S. xx.
from sduckie :
Thanks for the compliment, must be all the therapy is paying off!
from casa-rosie :
You know, I once had a lover who demanded that I get rid of my cat. He said that it was him or the cat...I told him I was going to miss him. Keep your resolve to not speak to him until YOU want to. It will give him less power over you, and honestly, it won't take long before you regain your much-needed perspective and realize just what a shit he's being, and that you deserve much better that that! (((Hugs)))
from sduckie :
I agree with casa-rosie, right now if you looked at your life in terms of what is most trustable and stable, from most to least, it seems the list would go: your animals, your kids, your school, and least of all John. Why would you bank on the least trustable thing? Right now he's probably feeling like he has all the control and could tell you to do anything or be anything because you would never leave... and it all sounds very controlling... he's not making any promises but he wants you to make all these changes for him? With no guarantee that he'll be there and not a very good past track record either... you might want to talk about this with your counselor... Love, Duck :)
from casa-rosie :
Men. You can't live with them, and you can't shoot them! Erm...well, if you DO try to shoot them, they take your gun away. *Reminder to self* Buy another gun. Anyway, darlin', there was once an American courtesan in Paris who said, "If a man wants to leave, nothing will keep him; not tears, threats nor pleas...except perhaps three words, "Well then, GO!" But they must be said firmly, and while showing him to the door. Here's what happens when you use those words. Either it shocks him that you CAN say goodbye, and he straightens up and flies right, or he leaves for good. Either way, the wishy-washy, shilly-shally, half-life-lived BS ends. THAT'S what's upsetting you. Here's a snippet of poem I wrote... In this half-loved life You've held onto me Not enough for forever, But too much to set free. Personally, I'd ask John to get the rest of his shit out of the house, since it looks bad to have a guy's stuff there when you have a date come over. Oh Yeah! Push them buttons Baybee!
from casa-rosie :
Darlin' if you track your stats, you will notice that someone is mucking around in your archives...that someone is me! I'm trying to get a real feel for what is going on in your life before going off half-cocked and saying something silly! <p>Hopefully, after reading more, I will be able to offer some sage insights...either that, or I can help you find a hitman. JUST KIDDING! :))
from fightn4life :
I think the changes you are making will do well for you. You may be able to start loving yourself for the beautiful person you are and stop those thoughts of hate. It is part of letting go. Anger is a trap that binds us to those that make us feel miserable about ourselves. My prayers are with you, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I hope too he just leaves you alone you sound so unhappy. My heart is with you, Sandyz
from sduckie :
Why don't you just tell him to go rather than waiting for him to figure it out?
from jedidiah77 :
Hey, I was just wondering y I havent heard from you. I am sorry for what I have said, I think that I was wrong, but my heart really meant well. I hope I didnt make you mad or anything...I look at your diary to see if you was feeling well, but there was no entry....hope you will be ok.
from sduckie :
Hi Christine, Love to you. You have had the realization many times that John does not care for you in the way you wish, and it's pretty impossible to change people- they have to change themselves. But I have suffered this same anxiety and I strongly recommend Susan Anderson's books "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and her workbook "Journey from Heartbreak to Connection", which you can work on with your counselor. What you and I suffer from is called abandonment trauma- it makes us think that every man who's with us is the last good man that will love us, and whenever someone goes away we feel obliterated. But these books have helped me a lot and even though I still struggle I am much less destructive to myself. You are very much loved and cared about both online and in life and if you truly want to stop this cycle I hope you will give these books a try. Love, Duck
from jedidiah77 :
hey i am sorry, ok, i dont really have expierence to have said the things that i said, forgive me, I think that I could learn alot from you....you being older than me....im 25 from the US...prob alot about women...uhmmm.. i spent most of the night reading alot of your entries, like the real old ones, way back, about wilf, and all kinds of stuff...uhmmm you have a good day.
from jedidiah77 :
Im glad lobo21 said what he said, I was thinking along the same lines when I got to the right page...I saw he had already wrote it..uhmmm...I dont know you, how old you are, or really anything about you, just that you are from Canada, so I hope that I am not wrong by saying anything. I realize that you are a very sensitive person, and that is really good, and it could be used in a great way to help others in life, You know? By reaching out to others that are in pain, because you know, you can relate to them...you are a minister?? hmm...I dont know y the marriage has come this way, but I can say this, that you are learning a language thru this that you can one day speak to others that are going thru the same things, and they would hear you before they would ever hear me, because I havnt learned that language, you know? BUT in order to learn the language you have to GO thru it, and when you go thru it, and you are able to minister to those that are in that same situation, all the pain was worth it, when you can be like Moses and deliver them out of that land of pain. DONT GIVE UP EVER!! Even though this hurts, you got to hold onto the scripture that says Jesus would never leave us or forsake us, our children, friends, or mates, may leave us, but God promises us that He would not, and God cant lie, He is not a man that He should lie, and besides, if He did say a lie, it would become the TRUTH, because He is God, and what He says IS... uhmmm...if you are not careful, you can let your sensitivity become cripping to you, falling into self-pity, hatred of others, or even self-hatred, and that is destructive, and it will hinder your ministry...Remember that God is moved by Faith that operates in our life, not the circumstances and situations in our lives. Faith is what pleases God...Faith touches the heart of God, and activates the hand of God. I encourage you to be strong in God...start reading your bible, in a quiet place..maybe reading it alot more than usual, go on a fast maybe, ask God to change you, do a deeper work in you, bring the promblem to Him about your husband, and LEAVE it with Him, and trust and LET HIM settle it. If your husband whats to leave, you cant stop him, it may take him leaving to realize that its not what he truly wants...and besides he may need to get away so God can work on his heart, you know? I apologize if I step over my boundaries, I will end this, it seems like I was gonna say something else but I have forgotten, lol, remember this, God loves you even if no one else does, and remember always keep your head up.
from lobo21 :
A care list sounds ominous wioth what you've been dealing with. You know you have lots of people around that love you and although John feels he needs to have his space that doesn't meen your life has to stop. It has to stop revolving around him, you need to focus on the things you can control and try to find your happiness without relying on someone else to make you happy. I am betting given the history between you even if he moved in with you as you say you want, your happiness wouldn't last. You would likely deteriate back to the way things were. I hope God will give you strength to make it through this period of your life. Remember if you can't carry this burden to call on Jesus and he shall give you rest. You have to take care of you. you are in my prayers. ~~big hugs~~
from jedidiah77 :
Hey, I just read your diary today. Just now....Lobo21 left me a note..and I saw your diary on it, and begin to read it....my heart is broke for you...I want you to know that I prayed a prayer for you..I will keep a eye on your diary for now..hope you dont mind..You sound like a woman I would like to know...You seem very sensitive, and sometimes I think I am to sensitive to survive myself....but thank God Im stubborn...lolz...God bless you...always keep your head up.
from lobo21 :
Autumn always seems to be a time for change, hopefully for you it will be a long awaited change for the better. I am truly hoping you find firm ground to stand on your own and be the person you want to be. Much love and hugs.
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry, my heart and prayers are with you. God does care and you are never alone...My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from lobo21 :
I am wishing you much relief for your current situation and praying things turn around. All the best.
from mskindasorta :
I'm leaving diaryland, new journal is rebeckajane.blogspot.com xo
from fightn4life :
My heart hurts for you going through so much and feeling alone. My prayers are with you, I wish you peace, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I do believe it takes some alone time to reflect on what we truly want in life, when we are in sorrow day after day our judgment is marred. You have John to a tee and it sounds as if you want to let go but I do understand that fear of facing life alone. I had to allow husband to change because he wanted to, and me the same. I never could force change in him I had to work on me. If husband was a demanding man and cared for him self only as he showed himself to be for the longest time we wouldn't have had a chance. He needed the space to work on what he longed for, I am thankful he figured out all that he had done to hurt me time again. My prayers are with you and I pray you find peace, first from yourself then those near to your heart. Sandyz
from sduckie :
Yes she is creative... and I think her husband knows about it already and is just as bad!
from fairygodmum :
Thanks Gurl, give it to <a href"http://cocobean.diaryland.com">CocoBean</a> for the ref to Home "D".. gotta weigh the options though. Benefits mean a lot these dayz. I'm going to call them on Monday regardless to find out what they're offering. Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from sduckie :
Thanks stargirl! I'm glad you were amused! :)
from fairygodmum :
Gurl you go ahead and get that degree, that is so awesome!!! Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from karbonphyber :
i only read a couple entries, but in regards to john i wouldn't show him so much attention.
from lobo21 :
lol, uh yeah, we're borrowing her the laptop I was using at the single place. Unfortunately it was pre set to start msn when it is turned on. Sorry about that.
from lobo21 :
Ok, question: If you already have plans to meet up on the weekend, why not leave it at that? You are driving yourself nuts. I'm sure you are already aware of that, so let him be for the week and see him this weekend.
from sduckie :
Get a tennis racket or whiffle bat and beat the crap out of some pillows- yell and scream and cry and get it all out. Because chances are that all the anger you feel at John is not just about John, it is about years of feeling left and abandoned and rejected, and his going to Stratford is aggravating all the old feelings. Beating pillows is a safe way to move anger and nobody gets hurt; also you won't say things to your partner you might regret. Instead, you will notice a lot more clarity around the situation at hand- you can be clear what anger is about him, and what is about the past!
from cocoabean :
Just my opinion... but people do grow and change over the course of twenty years, and sometimes they grow apart. It seems to me that's what happened, since you say you really don't know each other.....
from lobo21 :
hey there. I definitely am not liking the path you are going down. I am sorry to hear you aren't progressing with John on the level you want. It's too bad you two can't come to some kind of compromise. You want him to move back full time, he wants space. I can see just how hard that can be. You know I think you are a terrific person, and I know you have the strength to make it on your own even if you do not think so right now. I know you don't think you can at this point, but you must stop over thinking things, look for something to live for such as the future of your children, and take care of yourself. ~~~big hugs~~~!
from sduckie :
Thanks for your dream insights. Paralyzed and mute seems to imply no control, on that I think we agree! I don't know much more but I will keep you posted... I think finding something for you sounds great.... here is what I know about men (warning: unsolicited advice stop reading here if you don't feel like it :) ... they NEED their space... it seems crazy to us women because we want them with us, but the only way they can truly come to us is if they feel they have choice from a place of freedom and space... so, I bet you (U.S.!) dollars that if you start IGNORING John, living up your own life really fabulously, he will get curious and start sniffing around and begging YOU to spend TIME with HIM. Most likely the more explaining and asking you do for time together just makes him feel pressured and hemmed in... all the guys I have ever talked to tell me this... and they also have always told me they want a woman who is a little bit of a challenge, whom they have to pursue a little bit... so I think if you really focus on you, what does Christine want and like? You can get really involved in that and it will change the dynamic here. A great book called "Getting To 'I Do'" by Pat Allen... it really helped me to understand this dynamic! You might want to check it out. I just hope you can soon find the happiness you deserve... you seem like such an incredibly loving person. Love,Duck
from sduckie :
Hypnotherapy is when a therapist helps to regress you, either to another time and place (like childhood or a past life) or point when you experienced emotions similar to what you are experiencing now. By gaining awareness of the original event, it changes your current experience... it really works!
from fightn4life :
Seems like you do as I do at times, over think a situation instead of living. You think maybe we should try to live more think less? Just a thought, Sandyz
from sduckie :
When I read your latest entries I don't hear much about loving John or him loving you. It seems to be more about negotiating. What is it that's bringing you two together? I am learning that people can love you but still be held back... I see now that right now you want to get straightened out financially... I also see a lot of symbolism in having to give away your animals to get him... does it feel like you have to give up parts of yourself to have someone in your life? I hope you can take good care of yourself through this and keep asking yourself what about Christine? That is a good mantra to have. Love, Duck
from fightn4life :
If it were me I like the beach idea, yeah in a perfect world. I know you wish your husband would act like one...Lord knows I have wished the same thing for almost a year now. Now it seems it will be me picking up peaces and learning to treat me right. I have no thoughts of someone else, I have so much healing to do first. My prayers are with you, Sandyz
from sduckie :
Yes I think it will get better, especially if we can stop looking to the wrong people to give us what we want... we have a lot of power to direct our lives, it's just a question of where we put our energy I think. xo, Duck
from fightn4life :
Isn't it weird how everyday we waver back and forth up and down. There seems to be so little peace. It would be so much easier if husband would stop writing, I can't seem to figure out what I want. At this point I am just tired...sounds like you are too. We are in the same boat want to split the rent? :) Sandyz
from curiouoso :
Thank you for checking out my diary. It's nice to have new visitors! please be happy, after all you live in Canada, and that's a good thing. Hope these men troubles clear up, it's no fun at all feeling abused, again and then again. I know how you must feel so good luck. Curiouoso*
from fightn4life :
Life is too darn hard at times, I have been stumbling for so long I don't think I'll ever walk a straight line again. Sandyz
from lobo21 :
Hi! :) I thought I'd say hello and see how you are doing. I see you and John look like you are making an effort at least. I know how frustrating it is with your spouse not committing or even wearing their wedding ring-a symbol of the love and committment both should have in a marriage. I hope you can make it work, but only if it's the healthiest thing for both of you.
from fairygodmum :
I wish I could give you a Big Hug right about NOW! I wish I could offer you some good advice and make everything better. And all I can do is write this in your notes, just letting you know that you have friends here that care about you. I just pray that the answer will be made clear in your life that will show you the way to making everything better. Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from rebeckajane :
Ok that makes sense I guess. I'm really suprised that they allow you to use child support as a means of income when getting any form of credit over there. You can't over here because child support can stop at any time therefor it is not a reliable income. I have not had child support of my ex husband in 7 years except for one year. But he is a jerk. 1500 is a lot of child support for 2 kids, your ex must earn some good money..makes you wonder why he would even want a huge amount of child support of you. Good Luck Christine
from rebeckajane :
I'm not sure I am following this correctly or not Christine but you blame John for you $68000 of debt, which included your house you purchased, what I don't understand here is that you bought that house, not you and John, it was your purchase so I guess I don't understand why you are blaming him for that large part of your debt? As far as the kids go, I can't remember the reasons why he got them back to their dads but I do feel he shouldn't of, they are your children and unless they were in physical danger which I don't believe they were, I think he was wrong in taking them. As for your marriage, well, I guess you two can either play the blame game, or you can start off fresh and try to work through your differences, I understand John being upset because you were dating other men while married to him and I understand you being upset because he was not there in a physical or emotional way for some time. Perhaps you should talk about why he moved away physically and emotionally and why you went to other men. Or, just call it a life experience and move on with your own lives. Be yourself, find yourself before finding someone else or you are just taking a whole lot of baggage into a new relationship. I wish you the best.
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry you are in such a mess and husband is fine and dandy. I feel the same way, I can't pay my bills and he walked off and owes nothing, everything was paid the years we were together that he worried over. Now I am ass over in debt and he sits and watches the sun rise and set. I work 6 to 10 hour days with a screwed up back...I too need a new life. Sigh... My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from sduckie :
True, true... one woman's treat is another woman's allergy. Well trying to think of romantic comedies... I remember liking "Commitment" with Heather Graham, "In Her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz, and I just watched "Jane Austen Bookclub" and "Failure to Launch"- some definite chick flicks... oh but my FAVORITE crack-me-up chick flick romantic comedy is "The Sweetest Thing" with Cameron Diaz and Cristina Applegate. Get it and you will laugh your ass off!!
from sduckie :
Thanks for the note... funny because I am allergic to milk and don't eat sugar... lol... also my sleep problems do not stem from loneliness but are a result of some kind of internal stress or imbalance... Thank you for reading and thinking of me though! Hope you and John can strike a good balance.
from lobo21 :
I am glad to hear that you and John intend to try and hopefully both of you realize and get past the hurt caused by the other. If it takes a year of coming to common ground and building the foundations of a solid marriage again, I would think you would be happy in the long run. You know I was apart from my wife for nearly two years when she moved back in, now 10 months into living together nothing has changed, we're strangers and it's like living apart, except doing it together. Hope you and John turn out better.
from fightn4life :
At first, I hated it by myself; I was lonely all the time. Now I don't want to be bothered by people…besides my family. I like this being on my own…I don't know when I stopped feeling weird and started thinking how awesome it is to do what ever I want no strings, no one to answer too. I don't have to cook, be home at a certain time, nothing I can just be selfish for awhile…I like that. I need that. Maybe if you look at what all you can do instead of what you can't you will adjust. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from lobo21 :
I am hoping you will find a way to have a special mother's day today. ~~hugs~~
from rebeckajane :
Ok, first of all, your children are there with you right now, that's a relationship, yes it may not be the best relationship but you can fix that. I'm sorry Christine if I upset you with what I'm saying and if I do then so be it, but you really need to start looking back at your life and you can do that by going through your entries. You keep blaming Wilf and John for the state your life is in. You blame Wilf for losing your marriage and your children, the bottom line is you chose to have some kind of relationship with him, he did not force you. As for John, try to think of why he may of started to distance himself from you and your marriage whenever that first started happening. Try to work out why your relationship with your kids has lost it's closeness. If you go back through your entries you will see that, and yep it's probably going to hurt to realise how it happened but it's something you need to face. Wilf is a womaniser and not only has he been sleeping with you and Noreen, I'm sure it's possible he has been sleeping with others. You must have more self worth than to allow a man to tell you how you should dress, how you should wear your hair, what you should weigh and how you should live your life. You keep blaming others but barely shoulder any blame yourself, we are all at fault in a lot of situations in our lives, it's time to stop playing the victim, face your life and deal with it, start being the survivor that you know you are. If you stop seeing your kids because it depresses you how do you think that is going to be for them? How do you think they are going to see. How do you think they would feel if they saw all this stuff in your diary. You have had various relationships with men, both while you were with John and after, if you don't want to be with John, finish it, don't hold onto it because you need a man in your life, he isn't there and hasn't been for some time. You need to start finding you, start building your life as Christine the woman, the mother, the survivor. Stop using every possible excuse as to why you can't do this or can't do that, start setting an example for your kids so they can set an example for their kids. Get rid of Wilf, seriously Christine, you may love him, or rely on him, or have a dependence on him but he is just dragging your heart and your soul down. You know it. You can't expect your life to turn around in a day or a week or even a year, it takes work and strength and effort, but your children are worth that. They should be the main relationship you try and work on, don't give up on them. They are there, grasp that, envelope it, get off the computer, wipe your tears, and go and be involved with them. If you can't stop crying, it's ok to cry but tell them you love them and tell them it hurts to see them because you can't see them more and you want to, let them know how important they are to you and how much you love them, let them know you are sorry and that you want to work on the relationship with them. My child was killed, horrifically killed, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die, I want to be with him, every morning I wake and am suprised I am alive because at night when I lay in bed crying I feel as though the pain is so bad it will kill me. I wake every morning and I have to get up and I have to be there, because I have other children and they need their mum. Just as your children need you. Make them number 1 on the list of people in your life and your relationships. There will always be time for a man in your life but your children will be adults one day very soon and you want to be a part of their life when that happens. You never know, a guy, the right guy might come along in the midst of that and be there for you supporting you along every step of the way. But for now, concerntrate on getting rid of everything negative in your life, start concerntrating on making yourself stronger and the relationship with your children stronger. Mnay people spend all of their life trying to be happy that when they get there they are too old or it's too late to enjoy it, if you don't change the direction you are heading, then you are likely to end up where you are headed. Everyday in your childrens life is a memory, don't let them be sad memories or unhappy ones, make as many happy ones as possible. With care I say, stand tall, hold your head up, breathe in deep, get some courage, admit your wrongs, do your rights and get on with your life and your relationship with your children. Most importantly, don't search to love others, love yourself first and others will come. "It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are." E. E. Cummings
from sduckie :
I think rather than, "Why can't men receive what we have to give?" the better question is, "Why aren't we choosing men who want us as we are?" That is the question I have been looking at and going on this journey of looking at myself. The truth is that when someone loves you, they love you regardless of a few pounds or your job or your home situation- whether they choose to stay with you is a whole other matter- it is never as simple as, "If I do everything right, he will love me and he will stay..." - whenever I start to say that to myself, then I know it is the lost little girl in me talking, trying to control the situation so I will get some love. I've made the commitment to keep in touch with that part of myself and try to heal it- I know that's the only way to change all these dynamics. Changing this situation is going to have to start from the inside out- not doing all these external things to make guys like us. We have to be our own best friend. And I think that takes being alone for awhile, with no distractions, otherwise we just get caught up in the same patterns over and over again.
from sduckie :
Thanks for your note... I am sorry this has been so painful for you, but I think you are on the right track... you deserve someone who is crazy about you. Did you ever read any of the Susan Anderson books I recommended? I found them incredibly helpful. Lots of love, Duck
from rebeckajane :
I just wanted to share this poem with you..I love it..I'm not sure if this is the original one though becuase I have seen a different version.....After awhile you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't mean security And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head held high and your eyes open With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. You learn to build your roads on today, Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, And futures have a way of falling down in midflight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns If you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, That you really are strong That you really do have worth And you learn and learn...and you learn With every goodbye - you learn. ~Veronica A. Shoffstall
from sduckie :
you are in my prayers....
from fightn4life :
It is a long road but it can be a wonderful ride once we get the house in order...so to speak. Take care o you first...my own advice to myself. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from swimmmer72 :
I'm sorry to read about your problems. In terms of relationships, as much as it's nice to have one, I think you were right to dump Steve if it wasn't everything you needed it to be. You can't force a relationship to work, as you seem to know all too well. I think you have the right idea with getting your own life and house in order first. Good Luck! :)
from mskindasorta :
Hey girl..I'm really worried about your relationship with Steve, not that I think its a bad thing, I think its great, you know that..but what concerns me is you put alot of personal information not only about yourself but about Steve on here and if I was Steve and ever stumbled across this diary or a family member or friend did, I would be mortified and very upset and would probably end it not only for that reason but because of your love for Wilf, but the first reason is a real issue, or would be to me and alot of people, I think you would be horrified if you found a diary that someone you were intimate with or wanting a relationship with, wrote about very very personal thoughts and issues of yours. The world might seem like a big place but the internet doesn't make it that, all it takes is one word that is similar in your diary (like the city you live in, your pets etc) to bring you up on google, by someone who knows you, your family, him, his family, and we all know that people can be very "talkative". I'm just worried you are risking losing him by some of his private thoughts and details you put in here and also this last entry is pretty much saying you are going to be telling him what to do as far as that issue goes or there is no chance for you too..that's fair enough but you shouldn't tell him that he has to fix it or get rid of it..whatever it is..you can tell him that it bothers you and you dont think you can continue if it stays that way (once again i have no idea what you are talking about)but as you yourself said, you are dominant, that could very easily push him away. As for Wilf, well you know my thoughts on that and I'm sorry but if you are to ever get over him, to ever move on with someone who WILL treat you the way you DESERVE to be treated, it's never going to happen while you still have things to do with Wilf, especially so recently after ending it and starting with a new man. Thats not to say you could never be friends, my best friend is a man I dated off and on for two years, we have absolutely no attraction to each other,other than we care about each others happiness and we get on great (outside a relationship) we are always there for each other but there is no romantic or intimate ties. It's wonderful. But it took a long time to get to that..we have now been best friends for 4 years. Happiness should be a journey not a destination, some people spend their entire life trying to find happiness and then life can be over in one second. It seems your career affects your personal life in the fact that its like you are walking on ice when it comes to your personal life..afraid of who will find out this...who will find out that..maybe its time to start a new career? a whole new change in life..you will be amazed at what that could do to you..for you..the outlets..roads and people it could lead you to. I'm worried you may lose Steve by either your own doing in reality (because of your dominance and Wilf) or if he stumbles across this. The bottom line is yes, this is your diary and you can write what you damn well please, fair call, but you are writing about the life of someone else and while you are elusive in some detail you always give away alot of information which is not intended i'm sure but it's easy to piece things together. I in no way mean to offend you Christine and you know I care, I just think it would be such a shame for you to lose this guy who obviously adores you and makes you smile, not only on the outside, but inside too. And hey, he may not be the right guy for you..who knows what your future holds..but you just keep going along the same roads and patterns, try a different jigsaw puzzle for a change ;) . Life is too short.
from sduckie :
It's just a couple days... I think you can relax. He probably needs that space to do some thinking and guys REALLY worry about that "performance" stuff... he obviously likes you and probably worries about letting you down. Guys put a lot of emphasis on the sexual performance and don't always realize that for women, cuddling and stuff is part of what fulfills us so much....so just give him his space, when you do talk to him, just be loving and supportive of him having his time alone. The less you cling, the more he'll want to come back. ;)
from elliestuff :
good luck. pretty diary, too.
from sduckie :
Sounds like a plan.... take all that "giving" and loving energy and give to yourself right now! :)
from fightn4life :
You sound happy and I am thrilled for you. A new make over how awesome. :) Keep smiling it shines through cyber space, :) Sandyz
from straysparrow :
Libraries have books on photography... and they are free! Ansel Adams is famous mostly for his black and white photography of mountains. They are beautiful.
from sduckie :
Hi Christine... just caught up on your diary and hooray for you- you are ending old patterns and starting the steps of loving yourself. When I was left alone I knew I could be sad or/and look at it as a great opportunity- I took the opportunity to use my alone time to discover what it was about me that made so many men abandon me... Hon if you could get the "Journey from Heartbreak to Healing Workbook" by Susan Anderson I think it would very much help you in the place you are now... it helped me A LOT. It helped me to see my patterns in relationship and you can bet I will make better choices in the future! We can do it!! Love, Duck
from sduckie :
Thanks for your supportive note stargirl... well yes I will tell you what I see; you made this statement in my notes: "I don't re-read almost ever because I find it brings up alot of pain" well there is your clue right there... Wilf has caused you a lot of pain. If you read you will see that he does the SAME thing again and again... he doesn't change... he comes back and makes promises and then he leaves. But it seems like you try to forget the pain everytime and then try to see him anew, thinking he is a different person and he's come back for good... but in your heart you know the truth as you even say yourself that you doubt him, you know he will leave and inside you don't trust what he says anyway. It is a cycle in which it is almost as if you have a selective memory- like you are a dog that's been beaten but when the beater comes back you wag your tail everytime hoping for a treat.... I say this out of great love and concern for you because I have been reading you for some months now and I have seen the cycles of pain you are putting yourself through, each time forgetting and then hoping again- when clearly the answer is not this man Wilf. I once had a similar cycle like this with a man named Alphie... it never got better, he never changed and he was never able to give me what I truly wanted. I needed to be responsible for my own happiness, I needed to say NO MORE and end the contact as it would suck me back in everytime- that is one way I loved myself in that moment and that is what I have been trying to do in my own journey. My wish for you, as your friend, is that you can get off this hamster wheel of abuse and neglect and instead find the power in yourself to make yourself #1, and believe that you deserve somebody who will treat you like a queen, not, as you put it "Like a disposable paper Timmy cup or a bag of garbage." You can let him back into your life if you want and I will still support and care about you, you will always be in my prayers- if that is the right thing for you, that is your choice and you know what is best for your self- maybe you have to experience him enough times until you can figure out what this dynamic is about... I will always be reading and caring about you. And if you wanted to try a different way I would support you in that too. I say listen to your heart, and if you read your own diary you will see what your heart has to say, because it is right there on the page. You know everything for yourself already. I believe in you, sweet stargirl! Take care. Love, Duck
from exclamatory :
Hey! I just stumbled upon your diary and love it. I'm adding you to my list of fav. diaries. Perhaps we could be diary buddies? God bless!
from sduckie :
okay I am reminding you... what about Christine? :) If ever you doubt go back and read all your past entries about Wilf and you will see the pattern... that's sometimes what I do to remind myself that time moves on and things change, as well as what patterns to look out for...
from sduckie :
Sorry to hear you are disheartened- it is painful I know. Maybe this is a sign to trust your own intuition- you were having a hard time believing he was telling you the truth, so give yourself credit for knowing what's up- even if you didn't follow your gut this time, you can from now on. You might want to try the Abandonment to Healing workbook by Susan Anderson- it is really helping me.... Also, maybe give yourself peace of mind by not trying to figure out what/who Wilf wants etc.... obviously he doesn't know anything himself, but he will continue to run back and forth as long as you and Noreen let him... he has taken advantage of you... your anger is a sign that inside you KNOW you deserve better! That's a good thing too, to feel that! That anger can help heal you. You are in my prayers and thoughts, be true to yourself Christine, make yourself #1--- I know it's not easy, but you have my support! Love, Duck
from lobo21 :
I disagree with sduckie. This is a road you know far too well and I cannot believe you are going down it yet again!!! Seriously what are you thinking!!! I've been really quiet on all of this because really what have I got to say except that I hate every time this thing ends you beat yourself up and take all the pain, and yet here you go again. By now you know what you're getting into. I hope things work out in the end the way they're meant too. Take care of you. ~~hugs~~
from sduckie :
hooray for day 1! keep going....
from lobo21 :
Thoughts and prayers as you continue to work out life's struggles. ~~hugs~~
from fightn4life :
I wish you were not going, I am going to be worried until I read you are home and safe. My prayers are with you, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
It is amazing how we learn as we live, coping skills. We are work in progress I feel that. I heard something on a CD the other day, "if we are heading in the right direction all we have to do is keep on walking." I like that. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Seems so many of us are lost in the pains of loss, I am so sorry. One thing that hasn't crossed my mind is finding someone new, I don't trust myself to connect again and put my heart out there. I need to come to terms with who I am and figure out what leads me to destructive men or them to me. Until I become ok with myself, I am worthless to anyone. My age is a factor as well; I have been hurt too many times to again take a leap of faith concerning another. Right now, I shy away from everyone; I suppose it is part of the healing process I need to go through. I have spent all my life with a significant other, now it is time to know about me. I'll see how that works for me once I relearn to dance to my own music. My thoughts and heart is with you, Sandyz
from sduckie :
Hi Christine, thanks so much for your note. Sounds very difficult, and as you know I have been struggling with this same issue, being okay by myself. What I did is say I am taking the next 2 months off from relationship to become my own best friend and work on myself through counseling, etc. (it may have been easier in that M didn't even contact me, so I didn't have that as a distraction like you might have with Wilf). So, maybe the best is to not look for anyone outside of yourself to fill all those places of the losses, but rather grieve the losses you have had and fill up your life with yourself- whether it's continuing education or nurturing yourself in other ways. It will be hard but worth it in the end. Once you are your own best friend, you will make the best choices about who to be with. Then after 2 or 3 months depending on what feels right, invite someone else into your life. This is just a thought, it might feel right or not. Also when I was dating Don, this is what I did: I wrote down all the ideal ways I wanted to be treated by a man. Then I kept a list of all the things Don did that were not on my list- didn't call, fooled around on me, etc. Whenever I got the urge to call Don, I compared the two lists. What I saw was that Don was in no way acting like the ideal man I wanted, and it usually kept me from calling him. This might help in terms of Wilf. Good luck to you stargirl.
from fightn4life :
You're right, who controls who we fall in love with…I, am too afraid to even look at a guy, let alone try cyber dating. I don't want to get hurt again and Lord knows I am not a good judge of men and or character. If I was younger like you I might have it in me to look again, don't you give up…you have too beautiful of a heart not to share it, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Thanks for the heads up on Beka, I was nervous and entered the incorrect PW and US then couldn't find the e-mail with it on it. I hope someday she will resend it to me. I did get a short message about her son and it took my breath away. My God my heart broke. Many prayers are sent each day along with a host of angels. Thanks again for directing me back to this world; I was fast losing ground in my own. Sometimes it is the most important things we lose sight of when hell runs beside us. It takes just a moment in time to bring us back to what life is really all about. Sandyz
from fairygodmum :
You are a strong beautiful woman... everything will come together and be alright. You will see how much love there is in the world and you will radiate loveliness. Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from sduckie :
I don't know how to block hotmail but one idea is just delete the emails as soon as they come in, don't even read them. If you don't read them he can't "convince" you of anything. And if he was really your friend he would respect your wishes and not contact you in the first place which is what you asked... people like this do not listen to your words, they pay more attention to what you DO- so if you want him to stay away you have to be the one to have a firm boundary...good luck, you can do it! ;)
from sduckie :
p.s. other good books to read in your situation right now: most anything by Patricia Evans. "Controlling People", "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change?" These might help to shed some light on the situation with Wilf... they really helped me to see how I want someone to treat me and what is unacceptable. Sending you lots of love Christine
from sduckie :
Yay for you, you go girl! Yes keep him blocked. The things you mentioned, in particular the hitting and abuse are NOT things that people do to people they love. I am saying prayers for you to stay strong and do your best now to take care of yourself- and don't let him manipulate you with his "oh I would have liked to stay friends..." because real friends don't abuse and lie to their friends either. You deserve better honey and I know you will get it when you look inside and see what you need to do for yourself. Thank you also for the tips about the food... stay strong! Love, Duck
from sduckie :
I have been reading "The Language of Letting Go" which has a meditation for each day. It is written especially for people who tend to take care of everyone else before themselves... it's helped me a lot!
from straysparrow :
Be strong, keep busy with positive things instead of negative ones. Surround yourself with people that love you. Create something that will take some time and thought to finish... a quilt, a sweater, a painting, a computer program. Focus on doing things that you enjoy, taking baths, curling up with books, spending time with friends. Take a class that will help you better yourself... computer skills, money management, a language. Do anything you need to to keep your focus on your own needs and not anyone else's. Most importantly, take it one day at a time. It will get easier... eventually. I have faith in you. S. xx.
from sduckie :
Good luck... don't call him! Let him miss you. I have faith that you can figure everything out.
from fairygodmum :
Hugz Christine.... My prayers are with you, Nathan, Becka and all of their families... how difficult it must be for everyone. Leave it up to the Big Guy, He knows what's best. Just keep your faith in Him no matter what. Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from sduckie :
Sending you support... you seem to have a clear sense that you deserve more, and I believe that's true! Someone that will just want to be with you and won't go behind your back. So, I hope that comes for you soon, dear heart.
from straysparrow :
thanks for that. S xx.
from karbonphyber :
i thought all people named lionel died out a long time ago.
from straysparrow :
When I moved in with boy, the place we moved into had cable. It was the first time in years that I had had cable... it was strange. I found it mildly liberating to be without cable. I had to DO things to entertain myself, instead of relying on the television. I cooked more, and better (I also didn't have a microwave). I played on the web, worked in the garden, went out with friends, listened to the CBC, went to the gym... whatever. Now I plop down in front of the tv and sit there, bored. So mostly I still turn off the tv, even though I have one.
from sduckie :
hi I just started reading you. I don't have cable TV, and it's really fine. I get a lot of DVDs, and now you can even get series of shows that you like, if you're into that kind of thing. Netflix or even the library, where they're free! I don't miss TV that much at all. (my 2 cents)
from redbananas08 :
um hey i'm like new and i clicked on ur name and um...how do u get your diary like that??? Cuz i'm stupid lol im seriuos. how do you do that?
from fightn4life :
Options…that is life. I am still contemplating mine, one day at a time, I keep telling myself, and still it is more often most difficult while in the real world. Keep all doors open when one is ready to close you will know. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from mskindasorta :
I think options 1 and 4 are you best, the one with Wilf you should just forget about, this guy is just pulling on your heart strings then flinging them the way you fling a rubber band. As for the option with your friend, you know, if you wiped Wilf out of your mind you might actually "see" this guy differently than you do. I understand how him becoming financially dependant on you and perhaps he doesn't even want that? You can make something of it or just leave it as wonderful friends :) For now though I think you should just find YOU and relax, become complete within yourself and get settled and happy in your life before being with someone. But that's just mythoughts, you have to do what you feel is right for you :)
from fairygodmum :
Ohhh Thank You Gurl for the Lovely Note! So glad to hear that you are doing your Thanggg... Yippieeee... Free at Last .. tee heee.... Hugz n Lub to ya and don't worry bout that health thing... it's just an adjustment to FREEDOM!!! Bebe da FairyGodMum
from fightn4life :
It is odd we continue to think we have reached the end of the road and presto, here we are off the road bumping along the gravel. A day or so later we are sailing along again; that is life. What an awesome journey even through the heartbreak. We just keep on going. You are amazing. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
AMEN! Sandyz
from lobo21 :
Hi C, Sortof kindof have to agree with mskindasorta. Life seems like it's in pieces right now, but maybe a change of perspective and realizing you now have the chance to right your ship. Build your life in terms of what you and you alone want. It sucks to be alone snd it's scary to face the future by yourself but you have to really find your own happiness and not be looking for someone to keep taking care of you. Like ms said John has not been there for you for years and subsequently you've been looking for happiness with others for a long time. Him not coming back isn't surprising but hopefully you can not let it be devastating at the same time. I pray for you and hopefully we can catch each other online and chat soon.
from straysparrow :
Never give up your kids without a fight. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.
from mskindasorta :
It's hard to forget the familiarity of having someone around but you really need to ask yourself is John the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You need to remind yourself that for sometime now you have been saying your marriage was over and you were very unhappy. Yes it's probably going to get harder for a while but one day all the darkness will be gone and you will be smiling. Learn to be on your own and love yourself..become complete with yourself before becoming complete with someone else. It's far from over for you girl..you've got a whole big wide world waiting for you and this is just the beginning of the rest of your life..it's up to you how happy you make it :)
from fightn4life :
It is hard to toss away long years with someone you loved and maybe still do. I have had an extremely difficult time of letting go, one would think it would get easier with time, for me the cut is too deep. I wonder; where is the soul mate I married. At least once a day I'll be doing something and wonder if he would like or enjoy what I am looking at. I dreamed one night we were walking on the beach together, he never has seen the Ocean. It's hard, unrelenting, my prayers although cautious are with you, Sandyz
from lobo21 :
Hi, thanks for the last email. I am really sorry for the stuff you're going through right now. Guess the last few months haven't been great. I will email you soon. I hope you find that strength to get up, wake up, and walk away. You are a very special person and you definitely do not need to be someone's play thing. ~~hugs~~
from fightn4life :
Hi, I just got back on-line after my long trip. UN is tearsfrom pw heaven I am so glad to be back on line, I have many diaries to read and amil out the ...(you know) :) Hope all is good in your world...shi** I'll check it put myself. Hugs Sandyz
from lobo21 :
I'm sorry to hear of all the changes. Especially all of them happening at once. I hope things get easier. Take care.
from mskindasorta :
Hia :)..thanks for the notes..I left a message in Sandy's diary asking for her to contact you in regards to the password..I am sure she would be happy for you to have it but I would feel wrong passing it on without asking her first. I'm sure she will contact you soon :) I hope you are doing ok.
from mskindasorta :
Hey girl..I'm sorry things are not going so well..instead of getting depressed why not look on it as the beginning of the rest of your life and build your new life around having the best relationship with your kids that you can..regardless of where they live..working where you want/love to work..and I bet also finding some kinda true love someday..but you know what? it's ok to be sad for a while..sometimes we need to get deep down into the melencholy of life to appreciate when that something special comes along..you will be ok..ok? :) (ps..it's becka)
from lobo21 :
A quiet life is a nice thought, but it's an empty one without family. I am sorry to hear things are rough with your eldest but it's crazy to ditch family for any love interest.
from fightn4life :
I wish you a quiet life, Lord knows you deserve it. I'll keep you in my prayers, Sandyz
from straysparrow :
Be strong. I have faith in you. And we are here for you to lean on, if you need to. Sparrow. xx
from lobo21 :
Straysparrow has it right darling. Well I don't think I agree with the gentleman part. A gentleman does not threaten yet another break-up on a misunderstanding. Crazy! However, you know the facts and we know what we see in your entries. Take care of you!!! Hope the kids are well. ~~hugs~~
from fightn4life :
Maybe if you explain it he will settle down. Tell him you are confused about what he is so angry about. If he keps acting like a kid, tell him to get out. You don't need any more crap. Sandyz
from straysparrow :
I agree with Lobo. Happy is good. Change is also good. But requiring you to do all kinds of things on the hope that he _might_ like to be with you, until he finds someone younger and prettier? Every woman in the world is worth more than that... and so are you. I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but he sounds like the worst kind of trouble to me. The devil in gentleman's clothing... Be careful. Sparrow. xx.
from lobo21 :
Finding happiness is one thing, but I have to say this merry-go-round you're on with Wilf...does not seem like it's going to get you the long term happiness you deserve. More than anybody I want you to be happy and find someone that's happy with you.
from lobo21 :
hi ya. Nice to hear you are finding some happiness and having goals to shoot for is great! Hope you are doing well. Take care.
from fightn4life :
I'll be so glad when my life has started to take shape as yours has. Congratulations on your weight loss, you are doing great. And most of all you new beginning has inspired me, if you can do it so can I, fears and all. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Hard as it sounds maybe you need some you time, just hanging out not trying to connect with someone. This new guy sounds wonderful but talking about longing for a wife so early in a relationship is a bit scary. Take time to learn about you and then when someone you connect with comes into your life you might not be so afraid or conflicted. I suppose this thought is for me as well as you. When my mind drifts to what if another man comes into my life…I panic. So afraid to trust my heart again. Take it slow. Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
I hope you find what you are looking for eventually..it takes time..sometimes though it just happens when you are not really looking for it..best of luck :)
from lobo21 :
Hi ya. Sounds like you are finally at a point where it's time to really get on with your life. I hope things can be settled for you soon. Marriage takes a lot of work and hard as one tries it can be made by just one of the two people involved. The "me" train is awfully hard to get off of. Take care.
from fightn4life :
Some times our not so happy endings are a pathway to a new begging. I pray all works out and he takes heed to all the advice. Addiction is difficult to overcome no matter the vice. My thoughts are with you, with him, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I long for the day I too drive away and can smile; I am tossing my rearview mirror out the window…no looking back. I threw my wedding ring out in the field; it can stay right here in Arkenhell. I am so glad you got away. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through; loss is a terrible thing no matter the form it takes on. You will heal and some day when least accepted someone special will again walk into your life. Maybe too that will end in heartbreak but every tear sheds new light on who we are and what we have learned along the way. I will never give up on people and someday there will be a person that I can feel unconditional love coming from them. Maybe not get too close but some one that will make me smile not brings me down. Though all I am going through I find bits of peace along the way, memories come to light that help make the past not so painful. .When my world started on the down swing I did as you are doing, I looked at making myself healthier and started watching what I ate. It is strange when life becomes for you we have a tendency to try to do right to our bodies. Lessons learned through the storms. I wish you peace. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Change is hard, I am struggling, really struggling. I pray all goes well with your next steps, maybe I can be motivated and encouraged by your moving on with life. If God has a calling for me, I wish he would yell, I can't hear him. Miss reading your entries…now I have time to catch up. Sandyz
from lobo21 :
hi ya. I am sorry life has thrown you into a vicious spin. I truly hope tomorrow is better.
from fightn4life :
I am fearful of anyone making demands on how I would need to "change" before having a relationship. Pure love is unconditional, sorry but he sounds like a control freak. I am not being judgmental just cautious, be careful, follow your inner spirit and listen for God. I worry about you, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I know you don't update often but when you do please do not think I have blocked you by locking up my Diary. So much sadness is in my life right now and I needed my own safe harbor. If you desire to journey with me I will be glad to give you my password and username. I am keeping track of my network of readers as not to hurt any one in our extended family. My girls haven't been told yet as well. I didn't want anyone from this part of the world to know my thoughts, so I have locked up and place the key in a safe place. When you stumble on my world leave a note and I'll send you the secret passage. Thinking of your little place in the world on this summer night. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I hope I have the courage and strength to make it through a few more months; I have to get away from this man before I lose my mind. You are an inspiration. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
No matter what your decisions have been it has been your happiness that I longed for. I am so glad you a reached a place I am struggling with, what to do with my future. You wrote something I found interesting, "he has long ago stopped being us", and I suppose that is what has happened in our part of the world. My husband is about him. Not us. Take care, be happy and keep the faith. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
It seems a trend now that many people are looking out side their marriage for companionship. Lord knows I can understand why. (Oh, so can you) But I found out at work (although all losers) that they will try to get me (and I OLD in comparison) to "hook up." Very weird. I heard of an on line site called "cheaters.com" it is only for married people wanting to cheat on their not so better half. Some times, I wonder if I lived in a big city and could get lost in a crowd would I stray. Hum, I don't know. Enjoy your fun, but be careful. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Seems many of the "nice" guys just fall out of the sky when least expected. Angels without wings sent to us when we need a big teddy bear hug? I hope everything works out great for you. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
You sound so lighthearted and happy. It is about time, and I am so glad you have a place to call yours. Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
Hey, I'm sorry you are going through a hard time but good on you for recognising a situation that could "be" and doing something about it..hugs girl
from fightn4life :
Someone will be brought into your life by happenstance or divine intervention. You'll be the judge. I know it was divine intervention that brought my husband and me together, the story is long and weird. However, I ponder now if we were to be together for a lifetime or for but a season, I trust the Lord will open or close doors allowing for safe passage if I am to move on. I am very spiritual and my husband was not, we still connected and now he is as much or more spiritual than I, only the Lord knows. His children did not even know who Jesus was until I introduced them to "the word" through yakking and movies about the Lord. They watched the movie, "The Bible." Two of his children were married in churches both to very religious men years after we married. Who knows maybe that was why we were brought together and now my part in his life is over. I hope not, been a long 15 years, and many wonderful times. Time will tell. Let us know what happens with your e-mail "date." :) Sandyz
from lobo21 :
Hi ya! Well now, 4 responses after your ad. No too bad huh? Time to move on and find your happiness. Good for you. I truly hope a new friendship is on the horizon. You deserve a big dose of fun with someone new and exciting. ~~hugs~~ :)
from fightn4life :
I am glad you are felling a little better; I want to thank you for all your comments, prayers and well wishes. I am feeling better, not so up and down. I feel best when I sleep, Sounds funny but it is the truth. Take care, I do love reading about your little critters. Sandyz
from lobo21 :
Hi. It's been pretty quiet from your part of the hundred acre wood. I hope you are feeling better and that the sickies leave you soon. I know how much it sucks being under the weather. All is well around here. Hope to hear from you soon. ~~hugs~~
from rebeckajane :
Hey I hope you are feeling better..i know what it's like..i've been sick my entire holidays! grr..take care of you
from fightn4life :
Have a wonderful Easter, I'll be thinking about you. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I feel many people that come into our lives are angels without wings to help us through difficult times. Some times, they remain a part of our life until the end; others are with us for but a season. I cherish everyone who makes a foot print on my heart, you are one of them. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I was taking to my husband today about how I feel as if I have fallen in a rut and can't get out. I miss life, living. Wonder if he tuned me out as usual. Sigh… Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Just when I thought things were getting better between hubby and I all went to crap. Some days I so tired of being so unhappy and feeling like I am caught in a blasted trap. I have many places to go but to get my stuff wherever and now with my back…faith. That is what gets us through. Sigh… I wish you a peaceful night and a place to sit when you're tired. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I love God's little critters, big ones too. My silly cats are the same way at night except I can't let them out, they are all three inside cats. But...they love their food, water and treats. Mostly at night. :) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
"Written" words might not be with you but they will come from your heart...just when you need them the most. You will be given what you need when you need it, words too. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Some times it is the little steps that carry us the furthest I pray you find peace in the coming of spring. Our world here has become less of a battleground now that my husband can get on his tractor and head down to the woods. I too can sit on the porch and soak in the beauty of change in the air. As of now I will not for more (except my health back) and be grateful fore the little steps we are taking together. Just like you are {{together.}} It means something. Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
I'm sorry..hugs
from fightn4life :
I bet you are getting excited about getting all settled into your new place. Painting, now that is something this place could use. I'm going to look up mood colors and when I paint this place make each room fit a mood. I like that idea. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
You have a wonderful caring heart. All things don't work out but you tried. Don't stress our Lord is with them too. :) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you a place that is yours, it doesn't have to be perfect...it's yours and that means everything. I feel your happyness through your post. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from straysparrow :
Hi. Thanks for adding me. You're in Ontario? I was there last week, visiting my sister in Oakville. It was cold, mostly. Cheers, Sparrow.
from fightn4life :
I do understand your longing to reconnect even before breaking things off. Try hard to spend time with you first, heal long before you worry about filling the void. Once your in your new place breathe and allow the heart to exhale. Many warm thoughts are with you. Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
I've been catching up on some of your entries...firstly I am sorry for the recent loss you have. As for worrying about not finding a man, I don't even think you should be even thinking about that. I think you need to eventually (if you ever do leave John), learn to live with yourself, learn to find out more of who you are and what you want. It's amazing what you discover about yourself when you're single. It's amazing what strength, courage and independence you gain. Yes, it's a struggle at the beginning but you will get through it. All of that shines through and some guy is going to notice that one day, let's hope he's a special guy :)
from fightn4life :
I am sorry you lost a good friend and wonderful member of the church. How sad makes us stop again and think about how precious each breath we take is. In the blink of an eye… Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
I think because we are well known for the *outback* people don't realise we have some beautiful scenary over here. Just as it's hard to imagine what other countries are like expect for what we hear and read in brochures. Have a great day :)
from fightn4life :
I'm a step parent too for five, not easy when the kids were young. As they get into adulthood they seemed to soften and understand we're {steps) are not the big bad wolf or a witch. Enjoy your time, you deserve it. Oh...my first born is "Jen" Jennifer, pretty neat huh? Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
Sometimes I just want to slap your husband lol..sorry..but I think you deserve to be treated so much better. It's always hard when there's a *step parent* involved and I hope it gets easier for you. Have a lovely day.
from fightn4life :
Being a dreamer is a good thing, dream away this cold winter. I wouldn’t mind some good conversation at a star bucks if this part of the world even knew what that was. My good conversation lives in my head. Or maybe it’s not always so good. :) Sandyz
from lobo21 :
Hi there! Lots to catch up on. Last week sounded like it pretty much went down hill after our talk on Monday. I'm glad this week is looking much better. Lot's of little steps will eventually get you were you want to be. Here's hoping anyway. I've always said you need to have someone willing to give back to you as much as you have to give to them. Who knows where your little steps will take you.
from rebeckajane :
You know each time I read your diary about John, my first thought is "how and why does she put up with living with a man like that?" but then I quickly remind myself that I did the same and I question myself the same question. I think one day your patience and tolerance will be pushed to breaking point and you will just say "enough is enough" and you will find a happier life for yourself. Looks like you are already on that journey and I wish you the best of luck :) hugs
from fightn4life :
I am glad you are looking forward to starting a new life. I think back it was only a day or so away from me leaving this place to start over again. Things are better here with my husband working but the wounds created over the last two years are deep. Only time will tell if we can rekindle what we once had. I keep you always in my prayers. Your new place sounds wonderful. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Yum...what a wonderful idea, tarts for Christmas cards. Wish I lived close to you. ;) Have a wonderful Christmas, Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
Thats wonderful news about the house, I'm very excited for you. Merry Christmas :)
from fightn4life :
God I am so sorry, I swear this same thing seems to be happening to my hubby and I. Two sailboats aimlessly floating out to sea…I wonder if things will change for us now that he has a job…our marriage has been on a downward spiral for almost two years now, wonder if it can be mended. I don't really know anymore, I am just so glad at least we can finish the house now and I can decide from there what to do. Right now, I am too tired to care much. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am sooooo happy for you...the house will be yours. About time some good news spread across Dairy Land. I am even smiling for you. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I'm so sorry, why can't things work out. Not much has changed in my part of the world I feel as though I am waiting on the end to come, some times, I fear a new start other times I embrace the thought. My heart is with you, I pray you can get through what ever comes your way. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am thrilled for you...a new house with low payments. You deserve it. :) Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
thank you..I'll be fine..sooner or later :) hope you are well and life is treating you good.
from rebeckajane :
I did notice the 369 and I like those kind of things :) Oh and by the way, the kiss I was talking about was of no one in particular, I was just remembering or at least trying to remember what it was like to be kissed. Also, I don't actually write to anyone on DLAND, I mean I do from time to time receive emails but it's usually about something I've written or just a quick "hia how are you" kind of catch up email from both guys and girls. Hope your weekend has been fun :)
from rebeckajane :
Yeah the tongue one might freak some out lol it doesn't look so bad in the original but because it's been squashed a bit from the site i stored it on, it looks a little scary. I tried to say hi on msn today and to say I'm sorry abou tthe trouble with your son, I didn't know you were a grandma. I was also curious as to how the house hunting was going for you? Hope all is well :)
from fightn4life :
If it weren't for financial difficulties between hubby and I our world would be so much better. If he would work full time instead of being in semi part time self-employed work, if-if-Lord so many ifs. I took over the budget many years ago and like you, I am not always on the mark and at times make some not so good choices. But I too work and bring in a strong income. If things were more balanced, I know it would be better. Or so it seems. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Oh...I want to see "Happy Feet" it sounds so cute. I do want to get Ice Age that is now at Wal-Mart...I know silly I am old enough to have lived during the ice age. LOL Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
I know, it's not long until I go to America, well over 400 days but after how quick this year has gone i'm sure the next 400 odd days will go quick too. I'd like to get to Canada as well but not sure I'll have time however I am going there in september of 2008, my sister is going there for her bday and has asked me to come with her, so if finances prove well enough then I will. :)
from fightn4life :
I absolutely love reading/learning about the saints. My mom grew up in a Catholic boarding school and learned about them there. I have always been intrigued. My moms mother was a devout Christian Scientists, wonder why I started my life on a rocky spiritual foundation. I never knew or heard talk about my fathers faith or lack of it. Religion was not talked much about at home. Good thing even when we do not know all about God he knows about us and leads us to people or places that lead us to him. How awesome when you sit back and think about it. Sandyz
from fairygodmum :
Pssssst: The Notes Link on Your Main Page Doesn't Work! Back to our story... Canadian? Does he live in the SF Bay Area? Oh.. and I NEVER tell my age to a guy. Since I look so much younger.. yeah right! Think I told me age around my Bday in the diary. Look in July archives. hehehe Hugz, Bebe da FairyLovinGodMum
from starhearts :
testing here don't mind me :)
from fightn4life :
How odd I too read the story of Job today...my thoughts were much like yours. Thanks for sharing yet another connection. Sandyz
from fairygodmum :
Thanks Gurl... I really appreciate it that your sending a Canadian HUNK-O-Licious! tee hee. You just keep going strong in your faith, the Big Guy upstairs will take care of you and everybody else. Just stay on the path, cause when they take care of them, it may or may not be what they expected. Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum
from nicim :
I continue my journey at http://cunhell.diaryland.com Kisses.. N
from lobo21 :
Wishing you the best in your leaf turning. I feel like the bottom has pretty much taken all the punches I can throw at it as well. Wish I can say all I want to to some people as well. :) Time I think about pulling myself up by the bootstraps too.
from fightn4life :
Never forget we are in the flesh, when we make what we think of as "mistakes" we learn. Nothing bad can come from learning about ourselves and life. Many prayers for you. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am wondering too if my road will be alone again. I haven't a clue how to reconnect with deaf ears and eyes that see nothing that is right before his face. Sigh… I wish you much luck…and many prayers. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Weird I was watching my hubby yesterday while he was working around the yard, he seemed so content within his world of out doors. I wondered too what happened to the us, the 17 years we have been together I feel I know him less than I did when our relationship was new. We don't seem to share each others thoughts any more, when I talk I feel words are lost in the wind, we don't even look at one another much any more. No one said getting older was going to be so lonely even when you have a husband that shares your life. Like you I suppose what is most important is how he feels when he is with nature, there he seems to be most content. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Sounds like our world, a slow go, the weather changing to cooler times and just getting by. Sigh...it gets better, right? Sandyz
from lobo21 :
hi! :) Here's hoping baby steps lead into longer more confident ones down the road. All my best. ~~hugs~~
from rebeckajane :
I hope things work out how you want and I'm sorry it's not all good there. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.
from fightn4life :
Awesome pictures...Sandyz
from camera-girl :
Cool pics! :-) You can put space between your pix by adding the tag <br> between the pics. It got the same use as enter in a word document. One <br> is one line. Was that understandable? :-)
from lobo21 :
What a terrific day from the sounds of it!!! Yay for you. We all need days like that. Hope you got your inspiration for a sermon. :) Wishing you many more great days. ~~hugs~~
from rebeckajane :
I was a single parent for a long time before truly becoming a single parent, so I can relate. I hope you guys had a great time without him :)
from fightn4life :
Feeling like a single parent is hard when you are in a marriage, Lord knows I did this for years...then by the time I was a single parent I had the bases covered. Still tears flowed. Life is a rocky road many times, faith helps us through. Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
Hey thats a great idea :) Sorry things were so horrible at work, lets hope you have a wonderful relaxing weekend.
from waverock :
Can you add me to your fav.. got to work out, how to add you... you sound, like a nice, lovely lady.. with a heart.. i am new here, so trying to work it out..
from fairygodmum :
Hey Gurl.. thank you for adding me to your favorites list. I'm so honored! My doggie wakes me up at 2:30am, then 6:30 and now is barking Walk, Walk, WALKKKK!!!! hehehe Hope you have fun on your trip, and lucky you, at least you have a man, mine turns out to be Gay! hehehe Hugz, Bebe da FairyGodMum (Oh yeah..he knows I love him no matter what his preference is, it's really nice to have friends.)
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry your plans fell through today; I often wonder what is wrong with some men these days. I know gas prices are an issue but if he doesn't follow through tomorrow take off and enjoy your family with out him. It could do you some good to get out and enjoy a day, with or without him. Some times if the guys don't want to be involved in an outing it is best to go alone than to take a sour puss. Good luck today and just relax with a good book or have some you time doing something you enjoy. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Yes do take care of you, I too am guilty for running myself down until I get sick and am forced to slow down. We do need to take the time to enjoy this life we are blessed with being organized would help but like you I am running a day late on almost everything. I get things done but at the last moment and have no times to even catch my breath. Try to find time to have some you time. You so deserve it. Sandyz
from lobo21 :
Hey there! Been busy huh. Saw you left a few "hi"'s on msn. PC was on nobody home I'm afraid at the time as I left it on to do some downloading. Hope you get some time to slow down and relax. Take care.
from fightn4life :
I pray you soon get some much needed rest and time for you. You do so much to help people move closer to God. I am lucky to have you part of my world. Sandyz
from rebeckajane :
If you scroll down a little you will see a message I left a while ago telling you how to add pics to your site :)
from rebeckajane :
Do you have Crunchie Bars or Violet Crumble (kind of what i had tonight) bars over there? they are by Cadbury..pretty much the same only the Crunchie Bar melts better in your mouth with a hot drink lol..can be a little too sweet if you have too much like I did tonight ;o/ Hope you can sort out your plans, I'm a bit of a procrasinator too. Oh and as far as spelling mistakes go, I think most people are fluent in typo's ;o)
from rebeckajane :
oh and so i don't get beat up over that last comment by any males that might read it, I don't mean all males and I know girls are like that too, I'm just saying in MY experience with some relationships and especially if they ..never mind I'm going to shush now. You can delete these if you want lol
from rebeckajane :
besides, from experience, some guys are not as they seem or say and I'm really not ready to find out either way, dimple or no dimple lol
from rebeckajane :
gosh no! there is no way I'd be convincing some guy I met for a couple of minutes not to go overseas, charm and all, he could be the biggest jerk around lol or he may not, but either way I'm not going "there" with any guy for some time. I hope ..unless someone sways me..who knows..i'm so wishy washy at the moment ;o)
from rebeckajane :
It doesn't seem to matter how many people I talk to from over your side of the world and they mention school starting back, it just seems so darn weird for kids to be starting school in september? That just seems so..odd lol I'm sorry things are not that great with the other side of your marriage and it is very sad..I know what I'd be doing if I was you, but I'm not going to write it here, I'll tell you on msn some time, you deserve better, we all do. I think he treats you unfairly and if he's not going to be in it for everything then he shouldn't be there. Sorry if that upsets you :o/ I wish you the best :)
from fightn4life :
It is kind of sad when we wait so long for our quality of life to improve as we age then our kids move on with their lives, and you look across the table at a stranger. One that was a friend but being in a rush through life the connection was the kids. Now what? I often ponder. I wish you so much happiness. Sandyz
from camera-girl :
You're the selected one for a spesial sunday-note! :-) I wish you a wonderful week with lots of fun and joy :-D Have a great monday the 4th! xxx
from lobo21 :
40 years huh? Sounds like it was a nice service. might be interesting to take bets on which of us gets closer to that mark lol. So far you're in the lead...money's on you. :) Hope things are good and the kids are looking forward to going back to school, or if like me, you're the one looking forward for them to go back to school. lol. Take care.
from fightn4life :
Some times I feel like you wrote about...wondering if some one is upset with me because of me or something else. I try hard not to let my mind ponder this, it makes for me a bad day. Then someone else might wonder if they did some thing to me. Hum...the ripple effect. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you are trying to work things out. Hubby and are too, things are still strained at times but ecah step is bring us closer. For the little things I am thankful. Sandyz
from camera-girl :
Thx for all your kind comments. :-) It makes me happy! And it makes me want to go out and find more interesting stuff out of the ordiary as you say :-D
from lobo21 :
England would definitely be very [email protected]! Sounds like Nova Scotia should be a blast too. Nice to have things to look forward to and to dream about. Take care.
from lobo21 :
I've been looking forward to seeing that movie. Maybe I'll have to wait for video. Not sure when I'll get my cel up and running again. Crossing my fingers it'll be on again by the time the kids go back after labour day. Glad to hear you are getting things straightened financially. Take care.
from lobo21 :
ayup I think I've heard that one a time or two as well. Good bad or ugly, the weather is good conversation fodder. :)
from fightn4life :
Please don't say "summer is almost over" I feel like the time has been like a whirl wind that just blew in one door out the other. Enjoy what time this summer you have left and try not to think about tomorrow, it will get here soon enough. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
You amaze me through the love and caring you give to Gods little critters. I am sorry too hear you lost a few, but they are home now. Always in my thoughts, Sandyz
from breatheasigh :
good to read that things on the home front are going well :)
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you went bringing back memories to last a life time, you're an awesome mom. Some of the best memories are born when we get up and say..."hey let's go..." :) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry about you hamsters, so sorry. Not so smart husband at times. Sandyz
from breatheasigh :
oops..you need to use the html link not the url link
from lobo21 :
I smiled a lot reading your last entry. I'm glad things were not near as bad as your mind led you to believe. :)
from breatheasigh :
To add pics to your diary is pretty easy, you need to open an account at a free host site, i use villagephotos.com, open your account then follow the instructions on uploading your pics to there. Once they are uploaded, under each pic it will give you 3 links, one for thumbnail, one for url and one for ( i forget what that one is lol) anyhow just copy the url link into your diary and your pic will show up.
from camera-girl :
Thx for the comment. I'm having a great day. I started my vacation this afternoon. Three weeks off work. Three weeks with lots of time to take pics. Aaahhh. How lovely! Right now am I watching Fifa World Cup (Soccer) :-D Love that too. I'm a soocer chick. hehe Hope you're having a great day too. :-)
from camera-girl :
Thx again for the comment. PS = Photoshop 7. Congratulations on your new camera. I have a super-gold memership at d-land, I can save pics there. The space there is full, so now I'm uploading the pics to my works web-server. I got almost free amount of space there :-)
from happyone :
What font is that you're using? It's really neat! :)
from breatheasigh :
really liked the entry last week (8/06/06) sorry ment to leave a note early :)
from fightn4life :
Hi...no I have not forgotten. :) Give me a heads up on what you wish to be written for Sunday. I need to know what church you preach at so I can look up beliefs. I am no certain religion I have faith in the ONE but I can write about any one religion if I have the knowledge what you wish to say. You can e-mail me at [email protected] (my e-mail link is on my dairy page) Thanks for the comments...There is much more going on than I could write about, right now I am in prayer trying to make the right choice. Looking forward to helping you. Sandyz
from camera-girl :
Thx for the kind note! I focus on the things further away. If you see closely, you'll see that the things in front is a bit blury. But I do sharpen the pics a bit in PS. Of course you can use my pics if you credit me :-) Go ahead!
from leesmry :
Hi :-) Was just pottering about diaryland and happened upon your diary....It seems quite funny that I always seem to land on the diaries of Christians...I don't know why, but anyway. I thought I'd drop a note. Leesmry
from fightn4life :
I would be glad to help you write anything you need written. You would have to edit though my grammer is far less than perfect. Just let me know what it is you need help with. :) Sandyz
from breatheasigh :
i think sometimes we hold onto what we think might of been a perfect love or we hold on to what we known of one person but often that person is not who we thought they were..i guess also it's craving something you want or need or desire..i think you are right where you are ment to be in your life and it is a part of fate..it doesn't mean things won;t get better..if there is one thing i have learnt is that i can't sit back and let life/fate do everything for me..if i want something bad enough then i have to really want it and do what it takes to get me there and usually fate leads the way..i can relate to alot of what you think and feel from past experiences in my life..
from fightn4life :
Oh yeah, I think knowing someone weird should count. LOL Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Oh...BTW you have been tagged, read my entry. :)Sandyz
from camera-girl :
I think I might have gotten a better pic if I'd used the flash! But I didn't think that clear at that moment. LOL. I really want Canon Digital Flex camera too. *dreaming* Oh and thx for the very nice comments, they go straight to my heart :-)
from fightn4life :
My husband and I were talking about the same thing, we were wondering where our time for us went. During the 14 years we have been married so much has happened some where along the path we kind of lost each other. He is still my rock but it often feels as though we just go through motions. Maybe the loss of his daughter has taken its toll. And just maybe because I am aware of it we can again find the us that slipped away. This was a great entry, made me ponder my own life. That's a good thing. Sandyz
from breatheasigh :
happy mothers day
from breatheasigh :
good luck with the councelling :)
from fightn4life :
This is your diary; I say we are free to express what we want. We all have the delete key. :) I never worry about what I write, it all comes from the heart or from my warped mind. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
You can have mine for the day, but only if you promice not to send yours. :) Sandyz
from breatheasigh :
yeah it was quite a day..i got a splinter in my bahootie too which i forgot to add till now..thanks for the note and did you know that ants hate baby powder..if ever we have ants here i just sprinkle some baby powder around the door ways and window sills..hope things settle a bit over there..good luck with the ants
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry for your loss, I know your words will come for the service, God will help you through. My prayers are with you. Sandyz
from breatheasigh :
first of all i am sorry to read about your grandma..i lost my precious grandma just over a year ago and i still sometimes forget she is gone..as for your message about my entry..i guess we live through the brokeness in the only way we know how to or have been taught to..deep down we know there is a light there but sometimes we don't want to find it or break out of our darkness..and sometimes we give up entirely on what could be our future by saying i give up on love or whatever it is that has broken us..but that in itself is a big shame..which i have learnt...of course as far as truth and belief and faith go once again it is how we deal with it..we all have a grieving process that takes different lengths of time..somethings take longer to let go of......thanks for the notes
from fightn4life :
I think most of us write for ourselves. I used to think I wanted others to understand me then I felt that was impossible as I change with every challenge I come up against. I suppose I write to come to terms or sort out my fragmented thoughts. Anyway, Love reading your day to days. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Loved your list of good things about life. I would never ask how your house smelled because you have many pets, most rescued. People like you that care about unwanted, abused, lost or injured pets are beautiful people with hearts of gold. One of the most difficult things in life for me to deal with is helpless animals that are neglected in some way. Almost all the animals I have had were at one time some ones rejects left to die. When we had our farm at one time I had seven horses and countless other pets, I wish I could have saved all the unloved. Anyway, great list, thanks for sharing. BTW, I have three cats, one mans trash another person's wingless angel, I found my youngest kitten in a dumpster seven years ago. The vet thought he might be to young to live without his mom. Sandyz
from lobo21 :
jelousy or envy? tough to seperate the two. I'm glad you had a good day out with the kids. Take care.
from cyberpurple :
Hey Christine, Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and hope that things are ok there. (((hugs))) Em x
from lobo21 :
Poetry has been on and off. Not my first try. lol There might be one or two way back. Dar Williams song is just one of many I like from her. It does remind me of L, but then what doesn't these days. lol Hope you find a comfy sleeping arrangement soon. ~~hugs~~
from lobo21 :
Tough times. Hold onto your blessings.God Bless. You are in my prayers tonight.
from fightn4life :
I too wonder at times if I spend too much time on the computer writing and reading other people diaries. I am in the process of writing a book; I should be spending more time working on it. I find diaries I like and add as favorites; some times it is hard to read them all. Hum…maybe I should look at my buddies list and narrow it down some. Just a thought. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Thanks glad you like the picture of sis and I. :) We are less than a year apart in age. I have enjoyed catching up with your dairy. Sandyz
from h2ophobic :
Thank you for your note. I'll be checking you out too. Thanks again.
from fightn4life :
Thank you so much for your comments on my diary, sorry it took so long for me to get back to you but your link from my comments didn't work. I used your diary name and added @diaryland.com and got to your page. Love your diary and the feeling you listed over the side bar is great. "Like a leaf on a river floating…" My entry about my grandson was very difficult for me to write, I was unable to read it back to hubby when he asked me what I had posted that day. We have been through another recent death in our family, my step daughter; my husband is having a very difficult time. He knew I would write about my grandson as he walked the path of loss with me and now me with him. My grandson was a big part of mine and my husband's life as we have now been married almost 16 years. The thing I believe that helps is remembering to thank God for the time we did have in the flesh with those we love and lose. I am adding you as a favorite, hope you do not mind. I enjoy your dairy. Sandyz
from nodressing :
yeah, it's great that you stopped by. thanks for the poem comment... if i wasn't making dinner right now, (multi-tasking), i'd browse your sight too. maybe later? :)
from lobo21 :
well I didn't say you were in trouble or put your foot in your mouth silly. Just letting you know's all. I hope tomorrow's better. ~~hugs~~
from cyberpurple :
Thinking of you, hope things went ok today.
from lobo21 :
hi there. I miss you too. Yeah, there was a ton of good memories walking the course. Hope you are feeling better. ~~hugs~~
from lobo21 :
ayup, i intend to keep smiling. i'm glad you are too. :)
from cyberpurple :
It sounds as though you have obviously made an awesome impact on these people for them to give you this gift, and a very positive impact at that. Is the Pilot's Wife based on a book of the same name by Anita Shreve? I read that and really liked it. (((hugs))) Em x
from cyberpurple :
(((Hugs))) giving them the laptop was a great thing to do!
from lobo21 :
that is a fantastic offer. Wow what a positive affect something like this can have on your faith! If this was meant for your life in ministry than what great opportunity. wishing you all the best!
from cyberpurple :
His Eye is on the Sparrow has been on my mind more and more this last day or so, I've loved it since I first heard it in Sister Act 2... Thank you for reintroducing me to it. take a look at this http://cyberpurple.diaryland.com/images/sparrowbanner.gif (cut and paste it into your address bar). Emma
from cyberpurple :
That was a beautiful quote about religion/God.... I am slowly coming more and more into my faith and love to read things like that which make me think. Hope you are well today and that God is with you
from cyberpurple :
Just stopped by to read some more of your diary. Thank you for posting the lyrics to His Eye is on the Sparrow (is that what it's called). I used to love that and needed to be reminded of it.
from cyberpurple :
Welcome to diaryland! I used to journal as star-heart so seeing your username gave me a bit of a start! Thank you for your comments on my diary they meant a lot to me.
from starhearts :
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