messages to browndamask:
(click here to add new message):

from catsoul :
4.14.2024. oops, sorry about that. it was jarofporter Peace =^..^=
from catsoul :
4.13.2024. Hi. I would like to see more of your videos. i am impressed on your ability to lift that much weight! WOW.....great job man. Peace within yourself. =^..^=
from noregularman :
re: April - assuming you are writing in general terms, I don't think generally that folks shouldn't not mourn the passing of things, events, or people in life. At the end of the day finding acceptance is the best option, even if its not a perfect outcome or resolution. I speak from experience! I can't believe you lost/sold a 72 Mustang convertible. That must be a hard thing to accept! I have fond memories of riding around in my brother in law's Yellow 72 Mach 1 Musting hardtop. It had a 302ci V8 and an auto transmission. Great for posing in and the ladies loved it!
from noregularman :
re: partners/spouses/muses who may or may not know about your D-Land, and maybe even read your updates...thats very impressive that you have an understanding. I constantly battle with the thought of locking mine permanently just in case it's read by anyone past or present who might be mentioned in it. Thats a remote possibility, but you never know who is lurking!
from jimbostaxi :
I'm trying but I keep giving the in and going back. I definitely have a problem and am thinking about therapy.
from jarofporter :
thanks for the note, i appreciate you taking the time to write it! i don't think i've run across your journal so far? hope you don't mind if i peruse a bit.
from ernst :
I mean "Music" is no "Ray Of Light", but...
from ernst :
The creativity of others is indeed a solace and distraction, but never discount your own please...or forget that it's appreciated.
from noregularman :
Yes, I got that one ok!
from msafire :
I am too tired to read your entries now but will surely be back. However I have to ask ( based on Jimbos notes! LOL) Do you regret the MFA? I so hope not. I mean, I seriously think all the REST of the world should ENVY anyone with confience and passion enough to focus on experimential art. (Did I get that right?) My theory ( not having an MFA) is that - of course an MFA will never make anyone rich, BUT no one should ever go for it for the money; BUT an MFA will spur some of the most creative work in a lifetime simply because of the carve out of TIME dedicated to making art ( whatever ones art form is). What do you think? Serious question as I have this dream of entering an MFA program in creative writing, if only for the discipline to see what I could do if apply energy to that with intention and some structure ( and help- feedback and a writing community which is kinda build in, right)? What are your thoughts? I figure could spend money on self in a myraid other ways over a lifetime, but that an MFA may in fact be one of the best self investments.
from jimbostaxi :
She has given my life and my diary a quality it hasn't had in a very long time. Thanks for the note! :)
from ernst :
"Apophatic" is fraught as fuck, a definite keeper...begging for expanded application/utility, maybe? (Gears turning...)
from ernst :
Yay! Another esoteric vocab bud!(And good to hear you're steering into the manic-skid and recognize the creative worth of an-otherwise fucked up cycle.) Gonna be a wild year!
from orangepeeler :
"Maybe that's my idea of heaven - the ability to retreat completely within myself; to live inside of those dream worlds, unbothered, until time stops." Same here.
from i-lost-sarah :
Happy new year :) mushy was the right word, I recoiled. thanks for your notes habibty. those thoughts would make brilliant entries. (drunk Cory is a genius)
from ernst :
I hope '24 holds good things for you, Browndamask. You're not just my favorite author named after a wallpaper pattern--you're a solid and sensitive soul who expresses herself w/enviable clarity. *pops champagne*
from jimbostaxi :
That's a good question and I don't know the answer. For me, it's when I see the emotions of people interacting that hits me hard. Then I say it would be nice if I could be happy. Yeah, then I promise to give people a shot and then I don't lol. My passport appointment is next week sooooo there's that,,, yeah, I have to take steps forward even if they are only baby ones. Thanks for the note!
from ernst :
Oh yeah I used to agonize over song sequence, and hopefully will again soon. Art should really be my “thing” too, because I have an aptitude for it...but music, which I have no talent for, is a compulsion; a disappointing struggle I can't seem to quit. But to surrender now, with nothing to lose, seems like an act of cowardice and a betrayal of my younger self, so I'll soldier forth. I'll def share when I get some rough mixes.
from i-lost-sarah :
cinnamon tea with a spoon of honey -- some people have it with warm milk (almond milk if vegan). I prefer cinnamon and ginger but I'm out of ginger tea bags. it's good for swelling and nausea. the new job training is keeping me busy, I suspect I won't have the energy to write when we start taking calls. thanks for thinking of me :)
from ernst :
Had to look it up, but the Yamato Silver Watermelon is fucking wild and I want one. (I have a friend who's allergic to anything red, no really. She can't eat tomatoes or strawberries or red bell peppers [green and yellow are fine], no pomegranate or rhubarb or cherry life-savers...I don't understand it. Def gonna turn her on to this melon option.)
from i-lost-sarah :
thank you habibty--so far, so good (prioritize yourself! burn it all down! 😄)
from i-lost-sarah :
Emails are good for apologies to ghosts. You can take your time so you include everything in your heart. It's not as confrontational as phone calls or coffee. You can say 'I understand if you don't want to respond'. You can tell them about your dreams. And if you aren't ready, you can leave it in the drafts folder. Sometimes that's enough to unburden you. It's already an accomplishment to allow yourself to want. I think it's good to celebrate. Keeps those fraud feelings at bay a little bit :)
from i-lost-sarah :
I miss bell bottoms! They were so flattering on me! And peasant skirts/tops 😄
from i-lost-sarah :
Ugh, habibty. I think it's enough to live with the pain without being a perfectly balanced ballerina on hot coals. If I meet another person who talks about how they yoga-d/acupunctured/herbal remedied their way out of it I'm going to scream! This is so real. Thank you for being real. I do this too--the race/gamble when I ignore it and feeling trapped when I give in. I make lists of what I did wrong. And I promise not to do it again and I do it again :) But even if I'm a monk it still hurts, maybe it's slightly more manageable but it still HURTS. I feel like I'd miss out on things if all my energy went into perfectly managing the pain. They say moderation in all things, including moderation. Maybe this sometimes gambling and crumpling approach is a fuller more balanced life in its own way? That's what I'm going to tell myself :)
from i-lost-sarah :
I've been obsessing over Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor for the past few days, so my arm hairs stood up reading this 😄 And I always thought the hyperloop sounded like a cool idea and that it was a shame it's associated with Elon Musk. I remember it being on the news...maybe it was your source material? It was 10 years ago though. You have an impressive dream brain! I want to bloop around the city! (Google says there's a test track in Munich, ooooo!)
from ernst :
Regardless of my parents financial standing, and whatever anxiety or satisfaction a drive-thru trip to the bank held for them at the time; I'll always associate pneumatic tubes with the promise of a Dum-Dum, a Double Bubble, or a handful of Chiclets. So I'm all about me some pneumatic tubes.
from i-lost-sarah :
There's a pressure to perform grief and mourning. When my mama died, I felt that maybe I was "broken in the way I emote" too. But after speaking to other people who have lost loved ones, they expressed similar feelings (even the neurotypicals). I live somewhere with death rites and rituals, clearly defined acts and roles that soften the self-conscious freefall. But even with all the ceremony, you still come unstrung. Only laughter, crying, and squishes help. It is transcendental :) I don't believe anything else really matters.
from raven72d :
Glad to be of help!
from i-lost-sarah :
Perhaps not the best example of the genre as this baby is not crying and lacks tiger stripes --but we DO get the signature clouds, roses and doves (text is random religious motivation saying smile, pray and God have mercy on us please): https://www.pinterest.com/pin/432838214173202236/#imgViewer
from i-lost-sarah :
Thank you ❤️ I'm sorry about the horrific fliers but it made me think of ironic MS Word Art memes and chuckle 🤭 At some point in Egypt, graphic design was all about crying white babies in clouds and roses/rose petals and tiger stripes (hard to explain, it was very cheesy and funny 😄)
from raven72d :
Has he tried the Jim Henson "adult" muppets? That was "The Land of Gorch" on the very first season of SNL.
from ernst :
"Jazz them up!" (I think I'd just fill the margins with clip art trumpets, musical notes, confetti and mardi-gras masks until people got the hint...)
from raven72d :
Fraggle Rock! Yay!
from i-lost-sarah :
I forgot that I love Fraggle Rock! And I didn't know Severance but I'm watching it because I blindly trust your family's taste :) I'm sad/happy to know you understand. The past lives and possible lives are complicated indeed. And yes, non linear. Everything bleeds into everything. I know grief needs to be honoured but when it's so hard to be present--grief feels like a thief. I don't want to spend any more time on what was or could've been. I just want out of my head. To do more things and do them now.
from i-lost-sarah :
HA I snort laughed at Andy's affection 😄 Yay for feeling better! 🖐️🧿🖐️🧿🖐️🧿 I think I have creepy blindness-- I find Betsy's work very cute and free? I really enjoy the sewing when it isn't driving me crazy 😄
from i-lost-sarah :
Yay water and nature :) I looked up Betsy Walton's art and I'm completely obsessed with her colour palette! It's so cool when artists teach. As for the Christian content, it's very bland and vaguely motivational. "Surrender control to God" (insert a verse from Ecclesiastes) "Consider the story of King Jehoshaphat" -- somebody reads what I wrote over pleasant stock video footage of cornfields swaying in the wind and grannies knitting :) I hope the view zaps away your pain!
from raven72d :
I find that what happens (too often) is that I'll construct a sentence in my head and then just omit words when I'm actually typing. Maybe because I'm not paying attention while I'm typing, since I can already see the perfectly written sentence in my mind's eye.
from raven72d :
Finding a typo that I've already sent out into the world makes me grind my teeth.
from raven72d :
I like the idea of dot-ruled pages, but I'm awful at keeping my lines straight. So if I don't get line-ruled pages, I'll get grid-ruled. Grid-ruled reminds me of science classes at university.
from orangepeeler :
2023-09-15: Oof! Same here, same here.
from ernst :
Bring the fam down, I'll put y'all up and take you tubing!
from ernst :
You convey wonderfully, it's my overuse of question marks that can be mistaken as argumentative...when really I'm just not sure about sh*t. Sorry to read about the brain-cloud, I've been under one myself.
from ernst :
I have no doubt your kids/young adults(!) are rad and grounded; good parenting is too-often taken for granted. And maybe my concerns for my little nephew and his cousins are exaggerated? I just feel like kids need the best of everything, y'know? Like, if grown-ups want to have a Bud tallboy and two candy-bars for breakfast (raises hand), or watch a Jerry Springer marathon all afternoon (lowers hand), well...whatever losers, go ahead; we're lost causes. I just worry about the insidious impact of commercialism on the youth, on a vulnerable screen-time generation. And maybe my conflation of that fear w/our free-market impetus towards self-destruction is hyperbolic? I dunno, it's how I see things.
from raven72d :
I have one Leuchturm 1917. I haven't used it yet, but it's very much in the queue. I've heard lots of good things about the brand.
from i-lost-sarah :
starting is the most difficult part, breaking out of planning things forever and the perfectionism -- your daily drawing practice is that start! you've already achieved a lot (the bag business! 🤯) have you considered online classes? I think they're more flexible and reasonably priced. I've been wanting to do the same but I use it as an excuse to put off just making stuff. You've inspired me to get back to my painting and crafts in Cairo :)
from papotheclown :
If you want to talk in a longer form (or different medium) than this here note box, send me an email at thedreadpoetryan at gmail. I am a bit obsessed with church stuff and religious trauma. I also run a little facebook support group for all of us ex-church kids. Would love to hear your story.
from i-lost-sarah :
I've heard of intense world theory-I'm also not convinced. I get bored of hearing that we're too much or deficient or abnormal. The rubric is still some white dude from the 1900s and they were taking cocaine for hay fever! Cat is indeed hilarious and infuriating, perfect description 😄
from i-lost-sarah :
*by subjective age *really are out there, was too excited to edit 😄
from i-lost-sarah :
Happy birthday to your baby! It really does feel good to say "In my youth" 😄 You're a young mama in my estimation! I'm also intrigued my subjective age. I've always said I'm a toddler and 75 at the same time. I like this mix. I "EEE-d" at Milan Kundera, someone is writing about subjective age and quoting Kundera?! I think I really do need to look for my people and they really are put there. You and your family sound so cute 🖐️🧿🖐️🧿🖐️🧿 Your message about time is a beautiful gift! Enjoy the cake!
from i-lost-sarah :
I'm so pleased with our hair support network <3 Hope your heart is very spoiled today :)
from papotheclown :
I love the idea of the worlds that we almost chose still being felt in the world that we have. Speaking of which, I would love to talk with you more about deconstruction, autism, and chronic pain someday. Always nice to compare notes and all that.
from i-lost-sarah :
I have a non existent neighborhood I keep going to as well--maybe dream sanctuaries can only be real if we actually find somewhere we feel safe? Maybe most women Frankenstein a place? I'm going to ask everybody I meet now :) I hope the chaos body has been placid and distracted by fun drawings!
from raven72d :
The weather is changing here, too-- ordinary Deepest South heat, not Burmese Hell. The water in the courtyard pool has actually been cool. And the September light is taking on a deeper gold. Good luck on the trip[!
from i-lost-sarah :
I snort laughed at "chaos body" -- genius, I'm stealing that 😊 The doodle a day challenge sounds fun! I love Instagram rabbit holes!
from papotheclown :
Hey, I have Ankylosing Spondylitis too! That and our shared deconstruction journey is making me wonder if we are actually the same person.
from i-lost-sarah :
It's so comfy! I feel better and better about it so it was a good decision :) (thank you for reassuring me I needed it) You're so cool--sewing is a superpower to me! I'm okay at hand sewing but I want to use a machine and cut patterns and all the fun, fancy stuff. I have mama's vintage Singer sewing machine back in Cairo-- it's broken but I've been meaning to fix it and learn on it. I think the geometry challenge will make my brain happy too :)
from ernst :
Bonnie Tyler! *palms forehead* 15 songs in and she hadn't even crossed my mind...added.
from i-lost-sarah :
Wow salt and pepper Wayne Coyne is pretty! And now he looks like someone magical in a Tim Burton film. Thank you for liking my fever song :) I think the stimming is from work, for work? I rock (forward) when I read and "Amitabh Bachchan", Ozzy's name (ugh), "mama" and worryingly some curse words now. I rock for pain and sadness too but nothing vocal. Happy stimming is rocking (sideways) or hands (happy wide finger taps) or humming with this glottal stop percussion thing I can't explain, not full singing though-- that's so beautiful! For a few years I kept humming the ghostbusters theme song, my friend called it my screensaver :)
from i-lost-sarah :
The teeny little feet! So cute and so dead. I smiled then was disturbed by my affection then I wondered if that was being judgy then wondered if that's how psychopaths think then I thought about mortality then I felt sad then I was relieved to feel sad then I realized this a very impactful drawing and those are cute sassy angled dead feet and I love it 😄
from ernst :
Love it! Edward Gorey vibes (there's something inherently unsettling about fir trees, even when someone isn't drown/freezing in the foreground).
from papotheclown :
Same with me on all accounts. It's only been in the last year or two that I have even suspected I was on the spectrum. And since then, I have been replaying so many situations in my mind where I utterly missed very obvious invitations to make out or whatever. I still feel very lost.
from i-lost-sarah :
Re: Potato note --Yes! A few years ago I would've felt guilty and forced myself to silently panic with the grannies. Now I frame it as advocating for myself and this allows me to dive into ooey gooey potato silence with abandon! So good!
from raven72d :
Oh, Dale/Dougie was a brilliant part of the show, and Naomi Watts was wonderfully fun. The part where she deals with the loanshark collectors is priceless.
from i-lost-sarah :
Oh I know a thing or two about living with narcissists -- at least you're getting good music out of it. Yes, boundaries, electric boundaries O_O
from ernst :
Band politics, right? You were listening, sympathetically, to your husband's bandmate gripes? Well he's quite the lucky guy then. I'd be reticent to presume, w/that kinda dude-biz. Also (apologies in advance) the first thing I thought of when read “a gentler creativity” was this sketch: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kyL-iJQSk5A&pp=ygUaYmF0dGxlIG9mIHRoZSBnZW50bGUgYmFuZHM%3D Hope it works out w/the band, let me know if they ever gig in S.A.
from christ666 :
The minutiae of your relationship sound pretty nice :)
from i-lost-sarah :
It's difficult to negotiate creative and personal relationships. It's very sweet that you share with each other :) I want a rudder/anchor/rock person TOO
from ernst :
"Cremaster Cycle dreams". A lot of implications there. (And that's leaving my dude-parts out of it...)
from orangepeeler :
2023-08-18: In the description of so much minutiae: so much tenderness.
from i-lost-sarah :
I really want to watch Twin Peaks! I studied David Lynch in uni --we dissected Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet and some of his short films (The grandmother was my favorite). The analysis of that gesture is beautiful. And I want to read Emily of New Moon too--I heard she was more neurospicy-coded! I didn't know about the flash/glimmer, so cool! As a kid, I was obsessed with Anne of Green Gables (I sometimes wonder if she's the reason I bloop and feel the need to be chipper all the time). I've been wanting to do both for years but keep forgetting :) (Your tiny rituals with Claire make my heart melt, so cute cuuuute)
from raven72d :
I tend to agree with you about David Lynch.
from raven72d :
"Embrace the dissolution of past narratives and move forward." This is something I need to teach myself.
from i-lost-sarah :
Oh no, I mostly meant the cycle of reincarnation--not this life 😅 (Hug) I've still got to plant seeds! I like your goals. I hear you on medical misogyny, valid concern -- here we have a FB women's group with a list of lawyers and doctors who don't suck. There are good ones out there, you deserve peace of mind--you got this!
from ernst :
Solid list. Good luck with the thing.
from i-lost-sarah :
I love the costumes! It's giving Wizard of Oz meets Italian opera meets French mimes -- so adorable!
from jimbostaxi :
I printed out a copy of “The Metamorphosis “ and read it during my downtime at work. We all go through those periods of alienation and transformation. I often think about how my family will change when I die. I'm heading down the Kafka rabbit hole too! Thanks for the note :)
from i-lost-sarah :
Yay tiny powerful comforts! (And tiny desk concerts!) And beauty and swishing dresses! I think memories are like good books, you get more out of them as you grow. And unexamined lives, well maybe they're worth living but ew :)
from i-lost-sarah :
I've been thanking you in my head. Your notes are so kind-- thank you, about my piece and for your encouragement :)
from i-lost-sarah :
Conrad's a good dude. Whatever Alex said, I hope it was a lie. A hovering bull :) I like that picture
from i-lost-sarah :
Yes! Anything fiddly that takes forever is the best! I don't mind selling myself now -- before the Egypt art scene was the same 30 people buying and selling from each other. It doesn't feel as gross now with everything online.
from i-lost-sarah :
Another thing we have in common :) at that time, my uni had a terrible art department and the applied arts classes were very limited. The upside was they kept dumping us into other departments and architecture classes (cool field trips). I planned and sketched several but ultimately never built a full installation. I made part of one for the graduating class exhibition--a suspended 2 meter by 2 meter wooden sliding 'puzzle' with words that could be rearranged. The fridge magnet guy did it better :) I don't know, it's hard to say what kind of installations I wanted to make. I really admired Louise Bourgeois. And I liked interactive pieces. I think about marketing and networking all the time. Two of my classmates went on to become pretty successful tattoo artists. Other than that the people I know who exhibit and do residencies and tour didn't even study art formally! Business and communications majors!
from i-lost-sarah :
I feel you're a very humany human. Possibly more humany than most. Anyone who doesn't see that or takes that away from you is being very ignorant and rude.
from se7enchance :
Ah, thank you. You're very kind to leave such a note. I appreciate it. And yea, I usually write 2-3 at a time. <3 Cheers~
from i-lost-sarah :
I've never gone camping (and I'm very happy with my life choices) but if somehow things go terribly wrong and I find myself in the woods overnight, I now know to tranquilize all the fun people and pour water on the fire before bed/sleeping bag :)
from i-lost-sarah :
Lindsey sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm terrified of being around them and I'm more terrified of turning into one.
from i-lost-sarah :
I just love them :) and thank you, fingers crossed
from papotheclown :
It seems we have much in common, including (sadly) the heat and the hate of our respective states. Keep your head up
from ernst :
Your opinion counts for plenty, m'lady. (I wouldn't be following you otherwise.) And thank you.
from i-lost-sarah :
I get that, I fawn too. The touching/not touching is so sweet :) Unspoken mutual understanding is magical
from swordfern :
My 'him' made me coffee this morning and rubbed my back, and then I found myself frustrated that he kept talking to me when I wanted quiet time before my work day. I feel like an asshole at times like this too. :(
from i-lost-sarah :
not an asshole, just a person-- everybody's frustrating sometimes, even blessed and clearly loved bakers and picklers :)
from i-lost-sarah :
(I'm excited about your quiet plan/pivot --I just learned the barefoot contessa used to work in the white house?! pivots! yes!)
from i-lost-sarah :
thank you! (I am part cat 🐈😄) I'm reading about your plague. It reminds me of the migrating locusts at my school as a child, they carpeted the walls and every inch of the schoolyard too. And we had to wear uniforms--the girls wore skirts or dresses, absolute nightmare! Eventually we stopped screeching and got used to the crunch, crunch, crunch. I haven't thought about them in years. It was definitely humbling (like Hitchcock, the Birds) and it did toughen us up. My therapist is going to enjoy this plague gratitude 😄
from ernst :
We had a similar plague descend on my campus when I went to school in S. Texas! (PS - Rolando should have suspended his cricket-arm in cast resin...even if he didn't have a vacuum chamber big enough to de-gas it, that many bubbles on that many crickets might have looked rad. Next time, Rolando!)
from ernst :
I know, I hadn't seen Anchor Steam stocked at HEB for a while...of course the “craft beer” section has exploded over the last 10 years, sooo many brands/varieties jockeying for that cooler space. Add to that the “seltzer” (aka wine-coolers 2.0) craze and it's all become a bit much, to be honest.
from ernst :
I know, I hadn't seen Anchor Steam stocked at HEB for a while...of course the “craft beer” section has exploded over the last 10 years, sooo many brands/varieties jockeying for that cooler space. Add to that the “seltzer” (aka wine-coolers 2.0) craze and it's all become a bit much, to be honest.
from i-lost-sarah :
That's so beautiful ❤️ She's safe and free not to mask
from i-lost-sarah :
Never trust raccoons! Your family sounds delightful 😊 The little chaotic neutral one sounds like she's going to have her own podcast/international tour one day
from orangepeeler :
enjoying your observations :)
from i-lost-sarah :
Happy new hair! We have this phrase we say in Arabic when someone gets a haircut but it makes no sense and I can't think of an English equivalent so, happy happy new hair!
from i-lost-sarah :
Yum! (I know, me too--caffeine, alcohol, sugar but sometimes it's a "fuck it" day 😄)
from i-lost-sarah :
Yes! Pool sitting and...pina colada?
from i-lost-sarah :
thank you ❤️ I'll be okay
from jimbostaxi :
I had a very productive talk with one of the guys on the previous shift tonight. Turns out he's got a psychology degree and he's in my department which leaves me kind of floored. I'm like WTF are you doing here? Yeah, lots of them are here as temporary stopovers until they pick up their dream jobs. If they can aspire to be something more then why can't I? Lol thanks for the notes :)
from jimbostaxi :
I've decided to take an online college course because most of my coworkers at the hospital study on the night shift. Okay, so now I'm like what's the next step? Times a wasting old fellow what do you want to be when you grow up? I want to maximize my potential while I'm still able :) Thanks for the note!
from i-lost-sarah :
Oh yeah, you're double trouble like me 😅 And a mama! If heaven is real, you're basically a shoo-in. The sensory stuff has turned me into a hedonist. I think it accidentally resolved issues I had around growing up conservative and very boxed in by shame--being forced to unabashedly demand pleasure liberated me. I like your zest for life, that you want to keep evolving, expanding your social circle and that you're giving your kids so much energy but you aren't defining yourself through them. It's cool. You're cool. (And shush to impostor stuff if I triggered it 😁 )
from i-lost-sarah :
now it makes sense why you make sense! I should've guessed from the sensory stuff. I feel every hair and every seam. I'm 37, I was diagnosed recently. I don't have kids but I understand the low bandwidth feeling. It doesn't happen often but with some people, it feels like quantum entanglement--no bandwidth necessary. I decided a few years ago not to bother with anybody who drains me too fast.
from i-lost-sarah :
I'm on the autism spectrum, the neurotypicals make no sense. What we give isn't what they give, that much I know. I photoshop myself into different haircuts to help me decide what I like 😄 Boo printer from hell! More music healing for you habibty 🌼
from i-lost-sarah :
Somebody told me once, make boundaries not walls. HA! If I had the social acuity to A) understand the difference and B) actually make them--I would not be hearing advice like make boundaries not walls. I understand protecting the soft stuff. Gibran says pain carves us out and we become bigger vessels (or wells or something) capable of holding more love. I don't know how renewable/sustainable that is. Fuck the CMYK driver non believer! Boo! And cut your hair. I'm the impulsive hair decision devil. Just do it 😁❤️
from swordfern :
Thank you! I'm okay, I'll finish writing the story when I'm less tired. :(
from papotheclown :
They are indeed magical. And baby steps still count as steps, I suppose. I hope for progress for both of us.
from i-lost-sarah :
me too, I think it's mostly a choice--so as long as we want it, we will keep evolving 😊
from i-lost-sarah :
I love Little Selves! I love Margaret and I relate to her--what a sacred reason to write! (and I think I have an impossibly smooth rock that might be a fairy table 😬)
from i-lost-sarah :
you're giving me a good reading list, thank you 😊
from raven72d :
I love stormy mornings. And I really do love "The Crying of Lot 49".
from i-lost-sarah :
you made the rainstorm gooey bones garden watching sound so so delicious. and yes, I think so--about life, I mean. I'm starting to enjoy playing with identity instead of worrying about being an impostor :)
from ernst :
Yes ma'am *tips cowboy hat*, I live in Kerrville.
from swordfern :
Such a great comment. I think of the trope of close friends who ultimately fall into romantic love. I mean, I love those movies! You're watching just hoping for them to finally admit the truth that they're perfect for each other! Can I get that trope out of my head? I think for me the weird part is that my brain can't entirely understand having these deep feeling and not reaching over to be physically intimate. I love encountering situations that 'reorganize the furniture in my head'. This is definitely one of those situations.
from raven72d :
It's an interesting idea, and one I wish someone would explore. I miss Paul Fussell at times like these. Or Simon Raven.
from i-lost-sarah :
it's the worst, I'm feeling much better-- hugs and thank you and I hope you have more squishy deep connection like in your last entry and more love and I hope we avoid surgery forever ❤️
from papotheclown :
Thanks for reading. It's nice to meet you.
from jimbostaxi :
Dropped in to say hi and love your writing.
from swordfern :
I feel pretty stupid about having taken too much. Thanks for sharing that you've been there too. It helps more than you might think.
from swordfern :
"At some point he’d become my best friend, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to fuck that up. Yet on the other hand, I really, really did." This entry mesmerized me. Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
from se7enchance :
Ah, thank you. You're very kind to say that.
from ernst :
Tessellated Skin...did you just reinvent cubism? Or re-analyti-cize it maybe? Would love to see the results of such an experiment, successful or not.
from raven72d :
Funny thing-- I still have a space pen from years ago.
from raven72d :
Yikes, indeed!
from moodswing :
King Krule <3
from ernst :
I was actually on the cusp of 15 when that song was released. It was a different scene then, fraught but wild. And any attempt to quantify a cultural better-or-worse falls apart, doesn't it..this far from that lens, that vitality. Cheers to Jo and her generation. The kids are alright.
from i-lost-sarah :
Thank you! I'm going to get it :) Here's one for you: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. The part about how we talk to ourselves-- that changed me. I realized I was trying to shame myself out of shaming myself. It's good. It seems boring but it's good :)
from i-lost-sarah :
I'm curious about the book title? And I'm sorry/comforted that you relate :) Your monarch entry-- you caught yourself. Going down the same path with different words. That's a good skill, I think? Someone told me once we're like old processors running the same program over and over. Each time we pick up something new. It feels futile but we're just learning through really unimaginative trial and error. That's what I tell myself anyway, when "the pattern" (thoughts/behavior) sneaks up on me. Or maybe you were talking about something else entirely and none of this makes sense :)
from swordfern :
I loved the story of John telling you that you looked beautiful. I could feel the tenderness, the gentle hesitation.
from moodswing :
Right?? The passage of time is unacceptable.
from ernst :
Didn't see that Derrida-into-Big Thief segue coming...I'm a fan of both, and “Not” is def spectacular, there's a “live at the bunker” recording up on youtube that I've probably watched 30 times. (Also, her strophic phrasing in that one reminds me a lot of Lucinda Williams' “Changed the Locks” which, with its repetition of the word “can't”, carries its own negative/positive dynamic.)
from christ666 :
They are. I take a lot of them for granted, because I think a lot of the snapshots I remember probably are far different than what actually happened, but I'm going to really try and savor this one :) Thank you for reading
from swordfern :
I'll say it again: I'm so glad to have the privilege to read your writing. Your words resonate and inspire me.
from ernst :
Well that drawing is straight-up lovely miss, yer chops are nuanced and well-polished (and flat out impressive to be honest). I hope you cycle into feeling better soon and appreciate your honesty here.
from ernst :
If there is a word for that feeling, I suspect it's German, and multi-syllablic. But yeah I feel ya...it's like, c'mon brain and share some of the good stuff while I'm conscious, an' shit.
from swordfern :
Happy Birthday Weekend! I hope that you have a good birthday enjoying the new lightness of your relationship.
from swordfern :
I'm enjoying reading your writing again.
from raven72d :
Lovely entries.
from swordfern :
A fascinating story, and one that you are approaching wish such grace.
from swordfern :
The part about music reminding you of someone decades later? I have that too. Sometimes it's nice, and sometimes it hurts. Thanks for sharing this thought - it's nice to know I'm not alone in that experience.
from raven72d :
30 December 20: Best wishes for 2021.
from swordfern :
Thank you for your note on my most recent entry. It helped me feel cared for and less alone. Merry Christmas, if you celebrate on this day!
from raven72d :
I've been writing here since 2002, and it's good to see others still writing here.
from swordfern :
Just read your entry and wanted to send some empathy in regards to the multiple mental health events along with the leg/out-of-work-husband. That's a lot of caregiving for you, on top of coming to terms with your own suggested diagnosis.
from thisisjohn :
thanks for the note... good to hear from you... hope things are well in your worlds... john
from catsoul :
5.22.19. Happy Birthday to YOU!!! Vent away, and then some vent. It will be ok. Take Care. Peace. =^..^=
from dangerspouse :
I just checked out some Ester Drang on the recommendation of your post. Nifty stuff - I'll have to give more of their stuff a listen now. Thanks! (And I hope the Gods Of Financial Largess rain blessings upon you soon. Money worries suck.)
from dangerspouse :
I think we all would tell our 20 year old selves the same thing if we could go back. Wistfulness seems to be a species trait. :)
from glorycloud :
I do not know if we can change our lay out since Diaryland is broken/is no longer owned by anyone-Diaryland just functions without anyone over seeing it-I keep hoping someone takes charge of Diaryland and fixes it-peace
from the-grey-one :
Really liked your lovesick entry :)
from glorycloud :
keep writing in Diaryland-miss your words
from bizybee35 :
I enjoyed reading your writings.
from witty-remark :
You listen to Benji Hughes? You know who Benji Hughes is?! Also, your writing is beautiful. Tragically so. I think I'm in love.
from sunshine---- :
i read some of your entries, i enjoy your writing. i hope you are having a good day. =]

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