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I don't think brookes ever knows what he wants or where he is. there's no reason for you to pick on yourself either. it's not about you. his OCD is a problem within a host of problems, a brain hiccup if you will. i know you love him and all that, but i'd do some hard thinking about a future with someone with all those problems. i'm sorry you're feeling badly right now, but please don't take it out on yourself.

from alayah :

if you already have your tickets w/your seat assignment on them, you can check all your luggage at the front before you walk inside the airport. It's the fastest way in, the best way in. checking shit in at the counter is slow. dragging carry on shit is a real muther... forget it if you can. luggage pickup isn't so bad once you're on the ground.. just use some color tape and make a big X on your stuff and it won't get mixed up with someone elses.

from nyquilgirl :

I miss reading you. Will email you for password soon.

from alayah :

no worries here... get to it whenever you can. i'm just happy you're still thinking about it. :)

from alayah :

I'm reading silly! Sure, I'd love to be your penpal. :)

from secret-lives :

just wanted to say hi, and promote my diary....come read!

from not-it :

happy friday.

from not-it :

ya. your right. we RULE. boys are dumb.

from not-it :

i'd just like to say hell ya! lets hear it for self pleasuring! i thougt about it, thought this might be inappropriate to comment on, but, whatever. i guess i'm just not doing it right because i can't masterbate. can't. it doesn't work. i just feel silly, unamused and some how wronged. i envy your talents. i'm not going to ask for pointers...thats where i'm drawing the line in this comment. Keep it Cum'n Sister!

from kimyadawson :

did i already ask you for your address?

from not-it :

you are truely fabulous. thanks for taking my survey, and you look damn good too. (i wasn't making a pass i swear!)

from teddy-anger :

you just deal with a guy that will respect your views about abortion *hug*

from sentimental :

interesting seeing the flood pictures again. i had just moved to houston when the flooding hit. heh perfect timing.

from not-it :

thanks for your flood entry & pics. living in california, a flood seems like a fun idea to me. i guess its pretty serious. crazy.

from not-it :

yes, kim, we are but one. i'm just as nuerotic as you are, i just smoke ALOT of pot to try 'n keep my cool. (pot+dieting doesn't work though. i try.) luv you long time!

from sentimental :

i dont like the word panties either. its always bugged me. underwear seems so much more suitable. & people in my room make me nervous too. interesting stuff <3

from smellyfinger :

Take that MR. MAN. Go!!!

from not-it :

you heart the lil twin stars too?!? i have the boy on my left arm and the girl on my right arm. thier names are kiki and lala, but i can never remember which is which. p.s. my friends call me pink (pink hair for 4 years does that) and the last note left on your, eh, notes...was from 'silverado' so i'm pretending they like me

from silverado :

I like pink!

from applebutter :

the banners flshing across diaryland as of late have annoyed the poo out of me, just because so many seem to be all about 'look at me! click me! look! click! look!' and while i know that that's the point, and that those banners help keep diaryland alive, i can't help but not like many of these hackneyed ads. yet yours, with the mention of neopolitan ice cream, so simple, so compelling...i loved it, i clicked, and hey, i found a rather neat and interesting diary to boot! i shall be reading more of you in the future. thank you for cutting through the thickness of annoying banners. (mmm, ice cream...)

from kyousha :

What's with all the funky looking doll things?

from donestefan :

wheee? curious.

from cursedfemale :

I, too, had the tap dancing bug. But only when I was 4/5. I did ballet, too. But I really dug the noise the tap shoes made. Hell yeah I did. I only remember tapping to the Sesame Street theme. But I enjoyed it. And even got roses afterwards. Hell yeah.

from cursedfemale :

Yes, She's Leaving Home is one of my all time favourite Beatles songs. I loooooooooooooved that song a whole hell of a lot back when I was 8. I even sang along to it in my backyard. That is love. Or me being a weird kid. However you want to look at it.

from sillers :

I agree with your entry dated 9/24. If you figure out a way to make it disappear, please, PRETTY PLEASE, let me know.

from anodetonoone :

I like your diary, and your pink and brown gloves!I want socks like that.

from picassomoon :

Smile, it will all work out. I like your diary. We've got a few pointers to make your CRIBS taping the best it can be! By CKOne 1. You don't eat, sleep or have sex, you "Get your eat/sleep/fuck on." 2. Whenever possible, end sentences with "at". Ex: "Dis where I make my babies at." 3. It's not a "room". It's an "area". Ex: "Dis here the pool area." or "Here go the kitchen area." 4. Cars & Trucks = Rides. Never call your ride a car. 5. 20's aren't denominations of currency, they are the rims on your ride. They must be blinged out. (See #6) 6. Things are not shiny. They are blinged out. 7. Your ride needs at least one Playstation and DVD player integrated into a seat back, visor, dashboard or all of the above. 8. They are not friends. They are dawgz. 9. On the day of taping, you must have a minimum of 8 to 10 dawgz kickin' it in your pool, studio and theater areas. 10. One does not relax. One cheelz. 11. When you are kickin it, you are not playing soccer or angry at the dog, you are having a few friends over for drinks. 12. Consider trading a Lexy for a pit bull, Rottweiler or other menacing dog. 13. Tattoos are a must. When choosing a tattoo, they must evoke memories of someone you haven't seen in a great while like a dawg you lost or one of your children. 14. Remember, the only woman worthy of respect is your "Moms". All other women are hoochies and hos. 15. Build a sunken platinum basketball jersey humidor area. 16. During taping, try not to shoot any white chauffeurs. If you happen to shoot a white chauffeur, try to make your visitors accessories after the fact. 17. The proper "Crib Touring Stance" is to hold your right fist in your left hand and place both over your sternum. Hold your lips inside your mouth to evoke a placid demeanor. 18. You may own any or all existing video game systems other than a Nintendo, which is for beeyotches and kids. However, you may only own NFL or NBA themed video games. (No one has ever said "This is where I get my flight simulation on.") 19. If possible, breed or buy a chrome Rottweiler. 20. Fish tanks may only house piranhas or sharks (a.k.a. "The Rottweiler and Domerman of the Sea") 21. Remove all books, computers and cats from the residence prior to taping. (No one has ever said "This is where I get my read on." or "Dis where my cat gets it's poop on.") 22. Self portraits aren't only for corporate executives and historical figures! Remember, the bigger the portrait, the more respect it commands! 23. Two words: Black Lacquer 24. Keep the table in the formal dining area set at all times with gold, chrome and/or diamond flatware. 25. Make sure you have at least two large rooms/automobiles that "You ain't even go in/drove ever." 26. Bet on everything with your dawgz. Always win. 27. A pile of credit cards is not impressive. CASH ONLY! 28. When the MTV crew is leaving, be as rude as possible. Ex: "Now you've seen the crib, you best get to steppin." 29. Most importantly, do not get too attached to any of this. You will not have it in five years.

from peth :

big-eyes! big-head! I like the new layout.

from teddy-anger :

i will respect your feelings and emotions *hug*

from teddy-anger :

at least i can see beauty

from teddy-anger :

i wish i could cure all of your pain *hug*

from neo-geek :

Hi, I just wanted to say that I really like your lay-out, actually, on second-thought I'm just starved for compliments and I figure by handing out notes to other people's I can get more people looking at mine, anyway, keep up the good work and don't hate me more than's warranted.

from teddy-anger :

there are better males that would respect your personality...

from teddy-anger :

i wonder what the virus is, even though you haven't e-mailed me

from temptmoi :

hey, i've been reading your diary for a while now, but haven't posted anything here yet. i think your diary is great, and i wanted to let you know that i totally agree with you on the bush/911 thing, i think that the US is making way too big of a deal about it. but anyway, i love your diary. peace, andrea

from teddy-anger :

you just write what you want doll!

from guthrie :

Your diary is really good I like reading it thanks for writing i hope you keep writng. hi doctor hersher

from ravenheart :

You have a great diary!

from outdated :

ahh...lovely. you've kept me entertained. =) grin. i bet that's not something you want to hear. sorry. =) peace, my friend.

from pinkrazor :

i think some people would've gussed that you weren't american by the way you wrote this. suffice it to say, everyone is not that ignroant here. a group of people i speak to on-line were excited about it, adament bush supporters. they knew bush wanted a war, and this would give him reason to do it, right? i guess, what i'm saying is, your points were true, no matter what people think of your personal opinions. america is full of greedy little whores wanting to suck the life blood out of everyone else that isn't american. people are blind to problems outside of their of their lives, here. we ignored the holocaust, and what our government did to japan before they bombed us (you think that wasn't planned, too, people?) i'm fairly apathetic about the buildings that fell down and aused everyone to buy flags and declare childeren to wear red white an blue every anniversary thereafter.

from japonicab :

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS 'VERY PLEASANT' TO SEE A DOG DRAG HIMSELF UNDER A CAR? ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING? U FUCKING MEAN BITCH.

from japonicab :

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS 'VERY PLEASANT' TO SEE A DOG DRAG HIMSELF UNDER A CAR? ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING? U FUCKING MEAN BITCH.

from copygirl :

best.banner ad.ever

from testify :

If cats always land on their feet, and toast always lands butter-side down, what happens when you strap toast to the back of a cat? WHAT HAPPENS?

from alayah :

I'm in full agreement with the sexual definement. Really dumb.

from heartshaped :

hello there. i see you dig bob dylan. right on. <3

from callmedoll :

Honey... why the hell are you fasting and taking diet pills? Take care of your body.

from alayah :

Um...is that guthrie's way of saying no, I can't come down there? Pfft.

from alayah :

Bravo! Yes, make him come to YOU. That will mean so much more.

from cuillin :

Nothing lasts forever, good or bad. Double edged sword. But at least you know that you WILL get out of this funk that you're in and realize that you ARE a beautiful, worthy person. I'll be thinking of you. - xoxoxo Sarah

from alayah :

Do you "really" think you and I are going to hell? (hypothetically sarcastic on the basis of your feelings of religion in general.)You and I are ALREADY THERE. PS- Try prozac to cut your appetite. It's nearly the same components as Meridia and it still operates as an SSRI.

from nakedembrace :

heh, that's just great.

from nakedembrace :

um hello. guthrie.diaryland.com told me to ask you what she/he means by "individualized" guestbook entries?

from guthrie :

I love you, Kim.

from cuillin :

PS maybe it's just my computer, but I can't see anything that you write that is over the doll picture?

from cuillin :

About hormone problems and depression -- get the June issue of Vogue -- there is an article in there about just that. Very informative and hopeful.

from cuillin :

I just started reading your diary tonight, so I haven't gone through all of your entries...but I had to tell you: jeez we're a lot alike. Among other things, I too met my boyfriend on the internet, 8 years ago on aol's message boards...we've been living together now for 3 of those years. We have our ups and downs like anyone else, but we're proof that it can and does work out...I also can relate so much to your depression, social phobias and family troubles...I'd noticed that you had added me to your favorites, and you're going on mine too if you don't mind. Take care -- Sarah

from alayah :

The difference is primarily in the eyes... the model probably had fake lashes on to emphasize that Marilyn Monroe look.

from alayah :

RED HOT, BABY

from guthrie :

FAAAABULOUS!!!

from alayah :

have fun... ;)

from alayah :

keep an eye on that rotten serzone. if you keep getting sick like that, flu-ish even, go to the hospital a.s.a.p. Means your liver is going south.

from guthrie :

Obviously that last entry was upsetting to me, but unfortunately I don't see you online and I can't talk to you. Maybe I'll call you. Problem is I don't know where you are or if you even are checking this. Sorry I was ignoring you last night but you hurt my feelings and I just didn't want to deal with talking to you. I was playing guitar. Girls don't like guitar players sometimes because instead of talking things out they just go and play guitar. Yeah, I'm guilty of that. Heh. At least I don't play guitar while I'm on the phone with you like I did when I used to talk to Ciara, although I don't even know that you necessarily wouldn't like that. I bought one of those pre-done fruit mixes at the A & P today. I guess I'm having that for dinner I'm not sure. Anyway, this is long enough and I guess I'm gonna go now. I love you.

from guthrie :

Why are you mad at me? Are you just in a bad mood? If it's because I wasn't responding to you enough on AIM it's because I took the dog for a walk and then I needed to take off my shoes and socks and put new socks on, etc. because it was raining outside. I loooooove you.

from guthrie :

I'm gonna leave another defensive note. Why? Because I guess I feel I have to defend myself. You often say you are just "teasing" me or "joking" which yes, is partly true. But it's also meant to somehow make you look better or me look worse, I believe. God knows, I can take a joke because I'm pretty silly about myself anyway. Most of the times you make jokes that make me upset, it's because they're also subtle insults in disguise, and I find it really disgusting when people do that, so obviously it bothers me when you do that. Usually I don't say anything but for some reason I felt the need to, yes, defend myself this time.

from guthrie :

You are bizarre! Since when do I feel I have to keep tabs on you all the time? To be honest I felt more upset by the fact that you went offline without saying anything than anything else; I felt it was kind of unthoughtful of you to go off without telling me whether you were going to go or not. I don't feel I need to know where you are all the time, although I guess I'd feel comfortable with that since I'm just naturally paranoid, but I already explained to you what happened with that. You should've just gotten online to tell me quickly that you were gonna go since I was still wondering, or sent me an e-mail or something since you were gone for the whole day after that.

from alayah :

*snicker*. Um, sorry! *giggles* Can't help it...

from guthrie :

And let ME just tell you that I don't know where the fuck you are, because you aren't online and you haven't updated and I don't know whether you ended up going to your sister's graduation or not. I just thought it would be amusing to leave you this note; it doesn't seem to really mean anything since the likelyhood of you suddenly making efforts to contact me because you saw this note in your diary isn't very high. I love you.

from alayah :

Hi just wanted to let you know Medicated Moments will be locked for a little while for html adjustments. Please visit idiotpage for current updates. Thanks!

from alayah :

Amplified sun sensitivity due to anti-depressant use. Didn't anyone tell you that?

from alayah :

I still think he's scared. Look how close youse were to meeting.

from alayah :

OH SHIT. What the hell happened? Certainly he's not oblivious to everything that has gone on between you... it's not in your head. However, guys tend to pull away when they get scared or something. It's that intimacy cyle, the pulling of the rubberband (effect). The rubberband can only stretch so far out and it must come back in. If he feels anything at all, he'll be back. Sit tight.

from alayah :

yeah yeah here i go again. I'm glad the serzone is working for you. Be watchful of it, it causes liver failure. you mentioned your mom being on 175mg of Effexor. I thought that was cute, considering I'm on 300 mg effexor, 30 mg prozac and 10mg klonopin. No, it's not life-changing as your mother may brainwash herself to believe. Life-changing is doing the work thru the therapy. It's really the only way. :)

from alayah :

Oh, you're gonna get sick of me! I don't think it's a matter of "force" that you need. I think it's all about control. Your eating disorder is what you control. This doctor you see... is this a psychiatrist? If not, I recommend one. There's a difference in the knowledge base. Life is not slipping away from you. There is time. I didn't go back to college until I was 37 yrs old. I don't give a crap what my classmates did or didn't do. Most of them are losers anyway. You can do this. You can take control. First, get off that serzone. It's garbage and should be off the market due to the black box warning. I've tried the drug, it sucks compared to others. Get with a psychiatrist who can design a coctail for you (several drugs that do different things). As for your trip to see Brooks, are you ready? I took my first trip alone to the west coast. It was a big step. Why not have him come to you. I think you'd feel safer that way. Airplanes are miserable places to be if you hate people and don't like small spaces (ME!!). I think your idea of having a private dorm is great thinking, but it doesn't really resolve some of the other issues at hand. You need more than your own space. You need to be confident that every decision, every step you take, is within your control, and if not, then knowing how to cope with it. I file papers with the student disabilities department which is completely private that gives me certain leeway with my instructors. Give yourself time, treatment, and a buffer zone. You don't have to feel this way. Okay I'll shut up now. ;)

from alayah :

I am finally caught up to date. I wanted to comment on a couple things. It's normal for you to want to pull back in your relationships when one has depression. This happens to me, it happens to those I know who have depression. Secondly, I don't think you are ready for college, mentally speaking. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean that I know what it is to be socially phobic. You can bring yourself to a point where you can overcome these obstacles... I did it with therapy. By working through certain issues and regaining some control over my responses to certain events allowed me to go back to college. I took it very slow. Took one night course first. Then started the minimum 6 credit hours per semester for financial aid. If you go out and do something that makes you uncomfortable, chances are it will not get any better. Instead of forcing yourself into situations like that that can create a sense of failure, I suggest trying little things first. Baby steps is what I call it. I don't know if you read my diary much if at all. I have gone through very similar things as you have and I created this diary not only for myself but for others who fight the daily bleary self-defeating chemical onslaught. I'm always around if you want to talk about it, or have questions. I understand. I have been there. I'm still there sometimes. IM me (it's in my profile at the bottom) or email. I'm not scary. I promise.

from guthrie :

I want Kramer's slacks.

from guthrie :

Wow, your sister's birthday is really long.

from guthrie :

Why do I have this feeling you're not going to end up keeping this diary, like you didn't end up keeping the LAST different one. Wasn't there another different one, too? That would make this three. I keep all your pictures in my top drawer, I opened my drawer and saw you and smiled. I hope this new diary makes you happier. :)

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