messages to cellini:
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from narcissa :
oh i meant narcissadiaryland[at]gmail.com if you're giving out the log in...
from narcissa :
narcissa at gmail dot com if you're giving out the password now that you're locked
from illusionless :
Hi Cellini. I've been reading your diary for a few months now. I understand where you are coming from when it comes to wanting to end things. I wish you would reconsider and give yourself more time to sort things through. Would it be alright if I continued to read your diary? If yes then you can e-mail me the user/pass at emilymiedema at jee mail dot com. Thanks.
from zenayda :
How about getting some counseling?
from valasaurus :
Your worth should be so much more than the dollars in your pocket or the market value of your home. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to continual be disgustingly underpaid. Do not let these outside sources determine your worth as a person. Be clever if you have e to. Seek other work to get by if writing ain't cutting it right now. Ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm around if you ever want to talk.
from zenayda :
After 8 years of freelancing, I started looking for a full-time job in October 2016. Sent one resume on Halloween. Interviewed the day after the election. Nope. Decided to start again after the new year. Sent one resume the third week of January, on a Friday at 4:30. They called me at noon that Monday, been there since February 6. If I can do it with my bylines, you can DEFINITELY do it with yours.
from zenayda :
Re: advances, and people wonder why self-publishing caught on. That has its own problems, true, but there's a woman in Virginia who made $30,000 in one month with Yeti porn. Yes, you read that correctly.
from narcissa :
11/29 - sorry - your health issues sound frightening. I'm also in my 30s and pretty much reject the idea of getting affairs in order to die in an orderly way, so I appreciate how intense all this must be. Take care.
from valasaurus :
If she is saying she "wants all of you" to hang out together and not just your two kids, then I think there is a good chance she is very interested in you. Just speculation. Why not communicate, get if off your chest and know either way? (:
from narcissa :
11-5: long time lurker... when you talk about getting out of what you're doing, just curious what that would even look like for you? I get that with your current work you're living in the extremes and out there it's hard to find the normality you're craving.
from valasaurus :
sending you good vibes. surely the past few YEARS haven't been all bad? you are very talented and i guarantee there are people out there who care very much for you. shoot, i sorta do..so there's that.
from zenayda :
"I'm needed elsewhere." Precisely why I'm trying to shelve freelancing (barring one regular client whose work I can do ine the evenings and on weekends). I'm in the DC area, and my politics compel me to find a day gig with a cause I believe in. Plus, my wallet needs me to not freelance anymore. Pretty burned out on the hustle.
from dangerspouse :
In your last little word scree you decried the fact that you never meet anyone worthy of your conversation. Is Janet now the exception? Or is the vag just so good that you're willing to overlook a certain amount of intellectual shortcomings? Oh, and Merry Christmas/Happy H to you!
from valasaurus :
Why bring someone to the carribbean when you can maybe meet someone there?
from zenayda :
For some reason, you popped into my head today so I thought I'd see if you updated. Well, shit, I'm sorry for all the aggravation you've gone through. I feel your financial pain. I hose entries here often, as I keep a mirror diary on LiveJournal that acts as my back-up should this place finally go belly up, but I'm surprised I still have readers, so frequent are my Goodfellas "f*ck you, pay me" posts. Even I get sick of them, and I write the things. Every so often I question my sanity in freelancing. I really do.
from dangerspouse :
Damn dude. For almost the past decade your entries have been nothing but a nonstop litany of dolor and woe. The biblical Job had nuthin' on you. Are you really determined to stay on this Pagliacci path, feted for your work but miserable on the inside, for the rest of your life? In 30 years are you going to look back on your life and think "Man, that sucked" despite your wealth and fame? Don't get me wrong, I'm not chiding, or making light of your plight. If your life's course really does rend every fiber of your being, constantly, day after day, night after night, without letup or succor, how much more can you stand? I always worry after reading your entries that you're finally gonna make good on one of your many suicide threats - maybe even taking someone else down with you. Years ago you wrote, "I am at my best in a crisis." Are you still? Or will we shortly hear you sing "La commedia รจ finita!" just before jamming the business end of that .22-short against your hard palate? Far be it for someone like me - loser, internet poser, dumb fuck - to tell someone with the professional CV you possess what they should be doing to make their lot in life better. But dammit, do SOMETHING, willya? C'mon! If I'm gonna live vicariously through all your successes (and I do) I wanna know the payoff is worth it. You have too much talent and drive to let yourself sink into despair over a couple of failed relationships and some career disillusionment. Shane! Come back, Shane! (BTW, just out of curiosity: why does it matter that Trish got fat and dullardly? I thought she left you a few episodes back. And how are the kids doing?) Ok, drunken morning diatribe over. Thank you for listening. As you were.
from zenayda :
PLEASE seek help. You writing out your intentions in a public diary is a cry for help, so I'm going to take you seriously on this. I've been where you are, short on the rent, wondering where my next meal is coming from. This is temporary, and you are so very young. Please do not do this awful thing.
from alethia :
Please go see a doc. I had a growth in my neck once that swelled up to the size of a golf ball. I could barely swallow around it. I was terrified. The doctor was unimpressed. It turned out to be nothing more than a random infection (which I NEVER get, as I am healthy as an ox), and cleared up with a round of antibiotics.
from college-kid :
Congrats on everything! Sounds like things may finally be working in your favor. :)
from zenayda :
Good luck with the gig! I just can't believe Sl@te pays so poorly. I know it's prestigious and all, but 2 cents a word? I can understand going for name recognition, and I do appreciate it. But you can make a pretty penny writing for trades and non-profits, if you target the right ones. I average a little more than a buck a word. There's no dilution of reputation, either. I know people who write for major consumer mags and sites who make a good chunk of money from the other markets. Some of them are six-figure freelancers. Just a thought.
from college-kid :
Holy mother of crap! That's awesome! Hope you book a speaking gig soon!
from biggoomba :
love your children, put them first all the things you value will line up behind nothing will be lost that way everybody will understand
from zenayda :
Maybe she won't do that because it's painful? If something caused me pain, I don't care how much I loved the guy, I wouldn't do it. It just wouldn't be part of my equation, and he could either accept that it's not going to happen or we could go our separate ways. Not a judgment. Just a thought.
from thruthecrowd :
Congrats! That all sounds very cool.:)
from college-kid :
Legit!!! Hope it all goes through! :D
from college-kid :
I could use a vacation. :D
from zenayda :
Freaking out about paying bills in two months. Yep, that's one of the top 10 items on the "You Know You're A Writer When" list. Congrats on the movie!
from college-kid :
Didn't realize you unlocked the derned thing. Guess I have a lot of catching up to do.
from zenayda :
Howdy! I've been reading for a couple of weeks and thought it only appropriate to delurk. Would it be okay to add you to my buddylist? I promise not to unconjugate any verbs.
from thruthecrowd :
I would appreciate the pass as well, if you are giving it out. rightagainstthesky at yah oo dot com
from curious-me :
Not sure if you wanted to give out a password to your locked journal but I've been a long time reader so if you are so inclined I would love to keep reading - journalgrl24@live.ca
from college-kid :
Merry Christmas. :)
from gonzoprophet :
your editor situation is simply terrifying. it made me want to ask a million questions but i don't truly want to pry. i would like to say how much i feel for you though. while i'm sure you have more pressing worries in your life, i can't stand the thought of someone inept for the style trying to tell an author how to change their work...
from alethia :
My kidney scar is seven or nine inches long, and so perfectly matches the curve of my hip that it's a rare thing indeed that a lover even notices it.
from college-kid :
Dude. She's HOT! And I'm a straight female. I salute you, man. You're a lucky guy. Normally I'm not even into arm tattoos on chicks, but she wears it well.
from college-kid :
"Like, come on lady. Get into the fucking Tardis already." My favorite line of your blog to date. *Knuckle bump*
from college-kid :
Couple things. 1, regarding Helena: Did she recently start taking the pill? I thought you mentioned that a couple entries ago, but that may possibly have to do with why she's freaking out. The pill is basically a low dose hormone that makes the woman's body /think/ it's pregnant, and obviously that could affect her mood (speaking from experience). It made me extremely paranoid and emotional. Anyways, something to consider. Another thing you may want to consider is maybe she's not ready to say "I Love You" back. If that's the case, the best thing you can do is tell her to wait until she's ready and tell her not to freak out over it-- that you're not in a rush. Some people take the "L" word very seriously, and although I understand your hurt and confusion, try your best to take it with a grain of salt. As for Trish: I have no freaking clue what's up with /her/. Maybe P.M.S, maybe she just needs a good lay. Not sure which.
from dizzigemini :
U rather stay w a "lesbien" who had ur offspring just because h hasn't experienced "life as you know it"? H can be the step mother. I swear I will delete ur diary from my favorite page if u let go of h. Since I first started reading ur diary 6 months ago all I ever read was a man aspiring to be a writer, batteling mesquetos and camera crews and not getting laid since his wife is into her own gender. Now, u have books on shelves, doing book toars and h arrives and ur still complaining/unhappy? Go into politics, ur such a politician.!!! *frowns and snickers*
from college-kid :
You're visiting the Texas Hill Country, right? You'll LOVE it. It's gorgeous and there's so much wild life (if the insane drought hasn't driven them all away). Hope you enjoy it!
from dizzigemini :
I'm sorry it didn't make the best sense. Yet u catch my train of thought. I hope.
from dizzigemini :
2cents.... this magical lady manifested bkuz in ur soul/spirit ......reached to her and once her eyes saw ur face, she knew she had to meet u/be near you/....she followed her soul/spirit magic and arrived. And its exactly what u and her both needed ....to complete eachother. Let go of the doubts or negative sensations. Just be in bliss truthful honest bliss. Cherish her, as she cherishes you. Revel in that bond. Its a gift. Hide it. Protect it. People in the world .....if u have had any psychology , then u know people who can't find love or the one, will say manipulative stuff inorder for u to double. Miserable ppl don't want to see happy couples inlove. So. Protect helen. I wish u the best.
from famelicose :
I've been reading you for awhile, in the background I guess. Finally to come out and say it: I like you and your style.
from college-kid :
YAY SEX!
from college-kid :
Omg. Cutest couple EVER! Seriously. Adorable.
from dizzigemini :
I go by the saying "everything happens for a reason". I find it delightful that admist all the traveling/hunting/book signings etc, a woman has entered ur life, and as a male writer, its delightful to read how enchanted u are by/with h. (Spelling of helen?). So with that said, I don't think its no bodys right to ask/question ur so-called relationship w trish. U can look in the mirror each day and know ur a solid man with many virtues and holdfast to keeping everything truthful and no cheat no deceit. Just know u don't need to explain nothing to no one. Anyways, it just seems as tho once them checks start rolling in, trish is gonna revenge hurt u by spending it all and or once the divorce occures, she's gonna cry infidality. Because in-the-closet lesbians are thee most hateful. And for that, I'm sorry. Yet its just money and u will make more. Since like u have stated, trish doesn't inspire u or partake in the activites inwhich u write about, as H does. I believe H entered ur life right when u needed her. And that's a blessing. I hope the best for you and h, and I look forward to reading the love story unfold. As I allready said, its delightful. Psychologically others get/are jealous when reading about someones happiness. So of course them types will try to put u down or insist that what ur doing is wrong. And who the f*ck are they to send u an email and say such things!!. Its ur life and only you know the communication shared w trish. I think its very honorable that ur able to tell trish the truth. So many ppl have the mindset that the truth hurt and lieing is better, yet I say lies hurt worse then the truth. I can deal w truth, since truth offers options and choices. Is very clear, to me, after reading ur archives u are a truthful man. I maybe a strripper yet I know a good man when I see/read one. And ur a good man. :) (not flirting with you)
from college-kid :
This is where I get confused. You're a genuinely attractive man with a unique set of skills and a considerable amount of celeb. mystique. A winning combination. I don't see how it's possible for Helenah to deny you (or any woman, for that matter). Not trying to make you feel better, just callin' it like I see it. Not possible for a guy like you to be alone. "...nobody ever wanted to kiss something out of reach on a pedestal." <--I disagree with that. ~CK
from college-kid :
I am sincerely rooting for you. Hope you get to plow that field. ;D
from dizzigemini :
8/14. Well answered. I didn't know if there was money in asian c@rp. Since as u put it, idiot tv reality often shows one side, that the fish is a hassel and not liked. I suppose my question was juvinial, alligators in the winter scenerio. I didn't think that far into it. I tried to go0gle @lligator eat c@rp but it only gave "g@r" alligator results. I figured id ask you, since, from what I have analyzed of ur entries, u get really invested into ur work, and I enjoy ur writing style. Thanks for the quick reply. Hope I didn't bother ya too much.
from dizzigemini :
8/13. Afew months ago, did u write an entry about hunting for c@arp, the invasive kind that have taken over rivers/canals near the mississippi....and something about a manufacturing plant? I ask, since I saw an episode on tv about those c@arp and wondered if allagators could be brought in, to help reduce the population, of the carp (not people)....and I had odd questions that made me remember your diary.*shrugs* I thought id ask. I'm curious who would eat that fish, since the tv show stated they are not tasty and or are difficult to cut/cook. Perhaps not even reptiles want to eat them? But if they did eat, they could be farmed/manifactred for alligator consumption? Sorry about my spelling.
from college-kid :
Hey there. I think when I finish school I'm going to try to look at food the way you do. I wish I had the time and resources to start right away, but I don't. Also: I can't wait for you to finish this book-- I find the topic fascinating. I'm dying to ask a few questions, but I'll bite my tongue and wait for it to hit the shelves. :) Stay positive!
from msjessica :
i've been reading your diary for awhile now and find your writing and you life intriguing. This latest bout of suicidal thinking is...laughable though. Your problems could be solved easily. Man up. Take the advance,even if it's not ideal. Get a job even. You have children. Stop being such a selfish twat,man up and be a father! Good luck with it, I hope you find an options (of which they are ALWAYS some available) and pull through all of this. The idea for the new book sounds great by the way.
from curious-me :
I read your diary from beginning to present - you've had some great highs and even more lows. I don't know you but I really hope you find a way out of this...that doesn't involve leaving your children without a father. Go out and get a job - any job - socialization and money - it's gotta help right?
from samcorday :
thank you for the clarification, i actually had a great time listening to leonard :)....still think jeff buckley's version is the best though
from samcorday :
please stick me in your suitcase :)....and i would kill for a cold beer right now :/
from omfggwtf :
people are reading this :) i hope you feel better xo.
from kabukicharms :
That's Brilliant. Then again I'm from Texas, and that's pretty much our answer to everything. But wild hog has become such a problem that ranchers will pay you to clear em out.
from kabukicharms :
I don't even know what the books about, and I want it. You always talk about "the book" I plan on buying it simply to discover what lays between its bindings.
from yesnotreally :
Sorry for your loss. Both your grandfather and the loss of a fulfilling marriage. The talk is never easy, I like the quick swift method, much like ripping off a bandage in one swoop. One thing I would recommend, even if you're going to semi-cohabitate separate fully beforehand. Boundary wise. As a woman brought into that situation(boyfriend separated/divorced but still living in the same dwelling when we met), I have scars to prove sometimes it gets messy. Sometimes even for young children it's easier to understand when their is definite, just not hostile, separation of lives. My thoughts are with you on both subjects.
from old-story :
I am terrified of having that conversation. You say it with candor and "get-it-done" assurance, and their are kids in the picture. I don't even have the balls to do this sans children. Ah well, girls and boys certainly see the world through different lenses, and often, different lens strength.
from yesnotreally :
I read a lot about the subject about 10 years ago when an exboyfriend supposedly saw one while taking his dog out for a walk at night(long island, hamptons, ny if location matters.) Having researched it a bit, and discussed it a lot with him, I just remarked to her that it was a generational myth, and there is a lot of scientific data and articles on the internet about it if she wished to look it up. She told me I was calling her a liar, and that she had seen them throughout her childhood and young adulthood and was never allowed to play "outside the lamp light" cause they'd come take little kids away, and they lured people out with a cry that sounded like a baby. I just sat in aww listening to her stubborn and very ignorant story. I'm sure she's sure she saw them. She showed me a picture of a black jaguar online and said see, they exist. Well, yes. They exist. In other parts of the world. And one at a time. But packs of them don't run wild in the fucking plains of kansas. It's just biologically stupid. I'll shut up now, it really pissed me off more than it should have.
from yesnotreally :
Yeah I realized the other day I do complain quite a bit about being unhappy specifically with him and his family. It's different though than being unhappy with my partner(which I've felt before), and being unhappy with the quite extreme situation we are in. It does weigh heavily on me though, the responsibility of the relationship I have with the kids. It's beyond being easy if it ever ended. I guess reality is a lot different than what I write. Or I'm fooling myself. Or both. I write stream of thought entries that make me look like a real asshole because of my utter disregard for anyone else. Anyway, I realize this is a really long reply for what was a remark not really begging for a reply.
from yesnotreally :
Thought I'd leave you a little note of hello. It seems like the polite thing to do when adding someone to your buddy list so you can read their intimate thoughts and goings on.
from samcorday :
Glory will come......hoping for u like hell :)
from falo :
It's likely to be hot in AZ, but I have been there on business a few times and allow me to suggest a couple of short yet pleasant outings that will give you some local flavor, in case you end up with a friend with a car. 1. Papago Park's Botanical Garden. This can be done in the evening and there are inexpensive twilight/flashlight tours. 2. Drive the Apache Trail. This is a longer option, but quite nice.
from metonym :
Hemingway can be good with food. I just finished reading the Nick Adams stories, and there wasn't much food there, but there is a passage from A Movable Feast where he eats oysters and white wine at a restaurant in Paris while whining about being poor...that has stuck with me, both the description of the food and the sensation of indulgence and luxury.
from metonym :
Hey - have you tried looking at this site? You have to modify your diaryland template in order to add the comments feature, instructions are here: http://members.diaryland.com/edit/commentshelp.phtml - if you have already done this, I apologize for stating the obvious, but you didn't mention it in that last entry.
from metonym :
Unfortunately, junius, in the process of explaining why you don't partake, you've explained why drugs are so appealing. They're much more readily available than extremely desirable people who desire you back.
from metonym :
No, you're wrong - if everyone stopped eating factory-farmed pork, you would win, and it would feel great. It does feel good to resist temptation - to not eat something you want, because you think it's the right thing to do - and it's good to build it into your sense of self that you are capable of self denial in the name of a higher cause. I hope you haven't taken those feelings to an unhealthy and perverted level, where you depend upon the cruelty you detest to get your jollies. But I would bet that's not the case.
from cuteguyluvr :
is it fun butchering?
from metonym :
I think Hemingway can be pretty hit-and-miss. I really enjoyed A MOVABLE FEAST but I really disliked THE SNOWS OF KILIMANJARO.

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