messages to da1-4-u:
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from dietingjenn :
the jenne1017 diary is now at http://jenniam.com
from poeticwmn :
Tasha, You'll probably just delete this but at least I can say that I did my part to make things right. I'm not going to play it cool and act like my emotions are turned off overnite. Like I never cared. I still care. You don't give your heart and essentially your life to someone for 2 years and just turn the emotions off like they were never there. Trust me I wish I could turn this off. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. It hurts like hell looking at your empty closet and knowing that I won't see you til June 27th and probably not at all after that. This email is not an attempt to pressure you to talk to me or anything like that. We both know that this isn't one of those times where we don't speak for a few days and then everything is all good. If you want to talk, cool, if not I respect that and respect your mental and physical space. This is just my attempts at a truce and some sort of closure. Ever since you got intensly involved with PNK you've changed. Like the other night, I firmly believe that had you not been on the phone with Sheynca, shit would not have gotten to that level. You've been mad before but I've never seen you like that. You were like a whole different person. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde almost. That scared me. You hit me hard. Yeah you can say I'm a punk but you hit me mad hard. When Val and Kendra fought that time you started crying because it scared you and you made me promise that I would never do that. And I promised. And I kept that promise. I've never layed my hands on you. NEVER. And then you hit me and call me a pussy because I cry and because I won't hit you back. Kendra did that same thing to me once. Except we were in front of a couple of people so I was extra humiliated. She punched me in my face and laughed at me because I cried and called me everything but a child of god. Your face is what you show the world. I've told you the way I feel about this before. Being hit in the face is like the ultimate sign of disrespect and disregard. You cussed my mom out. That wasn't cool. I would never under any circumstances disrespect your mom or your grandmother. She wasn't trying to interfere with our relationship. And we weren't teaming up on you. When you were on the phone with your grandmother and you started crying because she was spitting that Jesus stuff and you told her you needed your family, my mom started crying because she genuinely felt your pain. She felt the same way about her mom which is why she made some of the decisions she made. She was crying. FOR YOU! Remember that time that I said I could see you doing something to kill me? That you might not intentionally kill me but I could see you getting mad enough and doing something in the heat of the moment that couldn't be taken back?? You were so hurt and started crying because you couldn't believe I would think that. This situation explained why I felt that way. you lost your temper completely and I honestly didn't know what you were going to do next. You think that was easy for me to call the cops on you??? You think I wanted you to go to jail to prove a point? I sent you to jail because I was afraid of you. You acted like the whole thing was routine like you go to jail on the regular. You didn't seem to mind. You didn't try to reason with me. You were like a whole different person. When you came home you still acted like you were going to wild out and hit me. I was so scared of you coming home because I didn't know what you were going to do next. I thought you might stab me when I was asleep or even shoot me if you gained access to a gun. I had to call Jake at 5:30 in the morning to work for me because I was afraid you would come home and tear up what little I have. The reason I was so afraid was because you showed no remorse. IT was almost like you were proud of what you did. I did what I did because I was afraid. Not out of spite. And right when you left I called Neka crying and left her a message telling her that I had no problem telling her how to get to where you were. All she had to do was call. When you called from jail I answered the phone and I called her for you so you had a way home. I'm not cold like that. After 2 years you should know that. I get angry because Neka doesn't even know the situation and she's speaking on it. You let her call to mediate and I don't even know her. Hell if you want to be honest, you don't really know her either. Not well. Not well enough for her to be a third party in our relationship. You should have called yourself. At least to apologize. If you felt an ounce of guilt about what you had done you could have apologized. Even if you had to leave a message or send me a text or an email. I would have thought you at least thought about what you had done and wanted to attempt to make ammends. An apology doesn't make everything okay but it is a start. And it goes a long way. Instead, I'm the villian because I did what I felt was best. Rather than sit in my own home and have to fight someone that is supposed to love me like an animal. But I forgot, you don't love me. You stopped loving me a long time ago as you said. You hate me. I know you were upset because i tore up the card and I didn't get you anything for our anniversary. It was wrong of me to tear up the card and I don't blame you for being upset. But you didn't have to hit me. And you didn't even give me time to tell you what I had planned for our belated anniversary celebration. I couldn't very well plan a weekend with you. You were so focused on Neka coming here that you didn't notice me. But you didn't even let me get around to what I had planned. We were supposed to go out to dinner and to Charlie Goodnights last nite to see Patrice Oneal. I was going to get your ring sized Friday when I got a REAL check for all of those hours I worked for camp stuff! When the money from summer camps started rolling in I was going to get both of our cars fixed, get radios and painted up. If you don't believe me, Friday I bought you some speakers already from this guy on wolf web because I remembered that yours would making a horrible sound when the radio was loud. I had talked to some guys about rebuilding your dash and everything. I offered to give you money to go home to NY because I knew that was important to you and I knew we needed some time away from each other where you could be with what was familiar to you. I know the living situation was hectic. But we already had a plan for that. I already discussed the plan with my mother and Lauren. Lauren got a job at Applebees and Kristen put her on the payroll at Jaycee so she was going to move in here when we moved out. I just wanted to give us some time to work out our shit before we jumped into another commitment with another apartment. In fact, earlier in the week I had talked to a chick on wolfweb that was subleasing her loft apartment for $515 over in Woodcreek where Johnsie used to live. I had sent you the link. I was going to tell you to take it and move there by yourself until I could to give my mom and Lauren time to get their $ together and give us time to enjoy each other without living together since we never really did that. You wouldn't have to pay a deposit or anything and no application or other fees since she was subleasing. When we both got home from work we had like what, 4-5 waking hours together? And 3.5-4.5 of those hours you were on the phone. I understand you had PNK business but you also had a relationship to tend to too. From what I can tell, most of those girls arent in relationships and if they are, they aren't serious relationships. Everything became all about PNK. I'm glad you found something outside of me to do and care about. Maybe I wasn't as supportive as I shoulda been. But you let it completely push me out of the picture. You'd have your PNK stuff but as soon as I had an outlet whether it was the playstation or even my best friend, you demanded attention. It hurt me because I felt like you were always tending to PNK stuff or so concerned with what those girls were going through that you neglected what I was going through. It hurt me when you were all concerned about Neka's sister. Not that you shouldn't have been. But when my sister actually did die, you got an attitude with me over a misunderstanding and wasn't very supportive at all. IT's like you were always ready willing and able to jump to PNK stuff but not with me. You wouldn't initiate any affection. If we kissed it was because I kissed you. If we had sex, it was because I initiated it. I know I got wrapped up in playstation. That was a recent vice though. I just really started playing it. And 90% of the time i was on it, you were on the phone anyway. Like if I asked you to stay up and watch a movie with me, you wouldn't or couldn't but if you needed to be on the phone for PNK stuff, you would manage to stay up and alert as long as you needed to. Those things made me resent PNK. Then ol girl calling and leaving that message on the voicemail. That made it worse too. So now instead of dealing with this situation and the demons that are eating you alive and keeping you from your own happiness, you up and move to GA. As if the demons can't find you there. They followed you from NY to VA, to Oxford, to Sanford, to Raleigh. . . and they'll find you there. Because you won't deal with them. Or you don't know how to. I called Jen after this happened and left her a message because I was afraid you'd hurt yourself. Part of the reason I was so upset and crying is because deep down I know that that isn't really you. Deep down I know you can be a sweet caring loving person. I saw that person once upon a time. Now I'm not sure who the real Tasha is because you would never show me. For whatever reason you felt like you always had to put up a front for me. What kills me is you never take it out on the person/people who really hurt you. You always took it out on me. You always made me pay for it. But I guess that's neither her nor there. This is not an attempt to get you to stay in NC. Obviously you know what you need/want and it must be in GA. I just think it's a shame that you finally get the chance to start over in school and you throw it all away after working so hard and waiting so long. I'm also not trying to get back with you or tell you to come back to 1916-A. We both know that we can't be together at this point in our lives and we definitely cannot live together. I just wanted to reach out to you, as a friend and as someone who cares a lot about you and ask you to get the help that you and I both know that you need. Obviously I wasn't who/what you needed and eventually I'll be able to accept that. I'm sorry I couldn't be this big bad butch protector and shield you from everything. I'm sorry I'm naturally passive and didn't jack you up on a wall just because you said something outta line. I'm sorry my love wasn't enough to change the outcome of all of this. But I also love you enough to want to see you happy, even if it isn't with me. I want you to genuinely smile from the inside out, even if I'm not the one that causes it. Maybe some where down the road, our paths will cross again and we can start over. Or at least be civil to one another. I loved you, whether you allow yourself to admit it or not. And even though you've hurt me more than anyone I've ever known, you also taught me a lot about life and about love. I've also gone more places and seen more things with you than with any other woman. I've never laughed/cried louder or loved harder in my life. And although this hurts now, I'm greatful for it all. Eventually it will become another one of life's lessons that I'll be wiser from. I'm more comfortable with my sexuality now. Because I loved you I didn't mind Sheila, Brenda, my father, my aunt, my grandmother, Grandma Betty, all of my co-workers. . . all of the people in my life- I didn't mind them knowing we were together. I guess I foolishly thought that if I loved you enough you'd forget about the pains of your past. You'd let me sweep you off your feet like I so desperately wanted to. But no matter how I try to convince myself, I'm not a miracle worker. And as you so bluntly told me, I can't save the world either. But I thought that I could at least save you. I'm not perfect and regardless of what you think, I don't profess to be. I know I have a lot of faults, just like the next person. Some I'm not prepared to admit. I know I made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. A lot of which can be chalked up to growing pains and adjusting to a serious relationship at 20, 21 and 22. Maybe sometimes I neglected your needs. But some you never gave me the chance to tend to. And you neglected mine too. Maybe I expected too much out of young love. Maybe we both did. Hell, how many people meet their soulmates at 20? Well I honestly thought for sure that I had met mine. But young hearts are meant to be broken. . . time heals all things. . . you have to go thru the rain to get the rainbow. . . you don't appreciate the sun til you've been through the rain. . . all those stupid cliches. Whatever they mean. We'll probably be able to pull some sort of lesson from all of this. I'm sorry that things between us turned so sour. I'm sorry the cops had to get involved. I'm sorry if you feel betrayed by me calling the cops. Most of all I'm sorry I don't have a time machine to change the course of things. I'm sorry I can't erase the past or change the things that happened even before I came along. I'm sorry things couldn't have been different. I'm sorry we won't be able to live out our dreams together. I'm confident that once you find out what it is that is keeping you locked up inside your own emotions you will be fine. And you'll make a great mom and a great producer and once you sort out all the emotional baggage, you'll make someone a great wifey. Just don't close the next person out. In my short 22 years here I've learned the power and the importance of forgiveness. I know that if I expect to be forgiven for the things that I have done or will eventually do, I have to be willing to forgive other people for their mistakes. I won't wait for you to tell me that you're sorry (if you are or ever intend to) to let you know that I forgive you. And I honestly hope that things work out for you in GA or wherever life takes you. And if our paths should ever cross again, my hope is that we are older and wiser and more prepared to deal with such a powerful emotional connection as with two women. And though I may never call you baby again, I hope to one day at least be able to call you friend. Afterall, that is where this all started. Take care of yourself Natasha Alston. Love Always, LeY
from imperfectlyy :
Heeeeeeeeeeeey, you still keep up with your diary! Ah! ~gasp~ Howya been?
from purplebanana :
Thanks for listing me as a favourite - and for the WONDERFUL comment about my diary. I feel all fuzzy and stuff.
from broken-dyke :
Hey You..*hugs* you..I'm sorry you feel as thou you are going crazy. Did you watch all the episodes of the L word when it was on tv? I watched a couple but I got it for christmas and I just finsihed it last night and I got all emotional..haha I'm way to sensative when it comes to things like that..anyways send me a note somtime, I would like to hear from you
from completeliar :
if your diary was a lama i'd sell it to a traveling circus
from fandemoff :
hey u, this is Tina. I love that Poem, I always love what you write. I miss you Tasha. Come Home Mama!!
from poeticwmn :
Nothing like loving WHO?
from imperfectlyy :
Hmph, once again I say, I'm really sorry! I hope it all works out one way or another. =(
from imperfectlyy :
Aww I'm sorry!! I had a feeling things weren't so good by your away messages so I decided not to comment and IM you. Please get back to me! I'm really sorry.
from broken-dyke :
Hey Babe?!! I missed you so much, I'm sorry to hear things arnt going to well with you *kisses* it will get better (things always start to get better with time) ??? Hmm.. Love ya, Carey
from imperfectlyy :
Due to some boredom tonight, I'm leaving a note for everyone that has me listed as a fave. Cool of me right? Oh yes. Maybe I'll stay on your lil list, some bastards have taken me off. Bastards. Wanna help me go and get 'em!? Anywho, this concludes my note. If you're lucky, you didn't get the "generic" one. =)
from indigojess :
Hey Tasha! Just wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday. And btw, in some off chance that the person in your stats is me,...I'm in southern MD, but not UMD. I may end up there one of these days though. :) And I know what you mean about the pre-lesbian thing,...it's not a matter of wishing for straightness, just the simplicity. Women are complicated,...but it's why we love them. :)
from imperfectlyy :
Do you still talk to your ex? The one you had when I met you?
from imperfectlyy :
Well I just put anything and everything I could possibly think of on my site. You're welcome to see if you get any ideas! I keep all links to my "private" stuff off of my site, though. (Diary, poetry, design site, etc) so I don't know if you'd put links like that up or not. That's about the only thing I held back though! Good luck with that site! Mine: http://geocities.com/sp0ngebubble/
from imperfectlyy :
Ooh! What are you going to put on this new domain of yours when you get one?
from mkboog :
Happy Belated Birthday!
from freakdaze :
Hey! Just dropping by to wish you a happy belated birthday!!
from seenuh :
Happy birthday
from lilchrissi :
Happy birthday sweetness :)
from djanner :
happy bday too! thanks for greeting me!
from treewillow :
Happy Birthday
from elliorange :
♥ Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy your special day!
from iluvjessee :
Tasha, Happy Birthday! God bless you!
from dombilly :
Hey! hope you have an awesome birhtday. keep smiling :)
from officegal :
i love the layout. you have nice thoughts:) i hope you have a beautifull birthday:)
from watty :
Happy birthday! Hope you have a great day enjoying yourself. Best wishes to you always. =)
from theshakedown :
Happy Birthday!
from starlight42 :
Happy Birthday! Wow, your entry was a little bit about everything. I think that's cool that you are very fair to people with disabilities. Anyway, have a good day!
from preciousgift :
Happy Birthday!
from kathiec :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Have a great day... heck, have a great year!! Love and birthday hugs, Kathie
from macfarlane :
Happy Birthday! Have a fab day
from nattidreadz :
the calm comes after the storm. it will work itself out. b open. hope u have a wonderful EaRtHdAy!!! PeAcE & bLeSsInGs...
from nattidreadz :
check it. this thing called "l.i.f.e" is only a test...what doesn't kill u or make you madly insane will only make you stronger. believe dat.lol. keep ya head up.
from nattidreadz :
p.e.a.c.e. im aiight, maintainin in this wilderness also known as lyfe. about the hooks book, anytime you need a book holla at me. how r things with u? one day, we should sit down and holla...our lives parallel in a lot of wayz. and it's alwayz nice when u can feel someone else's vibe. stay true to u. -o.n.e.
from imperfectlyy :
Why can't I find someone like that?!?!
from imperfectlyy :
Well thanks for the nice note! I appreciate it. I think we'll all be fine, and if there's one thing I learned, it's that family is most important. We've been together a lot this past week and we've all stuck by eachother. None of us ran away, we were all there for eachother. Usually "friends" don't do that. You *think* they're a true friend, but in ttimes like that, they don't come through. Family is so much closer, and now I know that I can put family above everyone else and I won't be let down. Who know. I always thought people were crazy to like their family more than good and fun friends, but now I realize! Go me!
from imperfectlyy :
Happy bday in 24 days! I'm not so sure if I'm one of your faves, but I'll update soon enough. I'll explain it all when I decide to update again.
from broken-dyke :
I Just wanted to leave you a note to tell you that the things you say to me have had a big inpact on my life and thou we dont talk much anymore when i get down somtimes i think of the things you said to me and i think if it wasnt for those things i may not be here today. Thank-you. *smacks your ass*..."keep up the good work sexy" hehe ~Carey~
from nattidreadz :
peace i occassionally step into your spot and see what's new with you. one day you wrote something just for me...it went something like, "there is no perfect person, you learn to the the imperfect person perfectly". that was for me. thanks. that's what this diary thang is all about...come to my door...step in...and take a look around... wazzup with black pride in atl? ya'll not going no more???
from theshakedown :
dude, are you pregnant?
from theshakedown :
I totally missed the Madonna thing, but I'm thinking, "Ok that's just wrong." Because Madonna is like my MOTHER'S AGE! And Britney and Christina are like YEARS YOUNGER than me!!!!!!! Yuck dude.
from prica :
Hey there. I came upon your diary through a link. It's lovely. I almost had the same design you have on yours. I might visit your diary again if you don't mind. :)
from imperfectlyy :
Heeeeeeeeey. Long time, no speak! The first day was ok. Nothing special or anything, just another day of FREAKIN' school! I'm ready for summer vacation. We have a new schedule (7 classes instead of 4 like last year) so it's really complicated, shorter breaks in between...so that means no pee break for me! ~gasp~ And then they mess it up every other day or so...so we hafta learn about 3 different combinations for our schedule. Hmph. And it sucks ASS that I can't talk to MJ as much. I talked to her last night for about 10 min (first time in days) and she's really unhappy there. Her roommate brought alcohol in the dorm and if she gets caught, MJ gets in trouble too and loses her scholarship. That's really shitty...so she's not happy about that. Then there's just the whole thing that I can't hardly talk to her when I've been used to talking hours to her for a year now. Sucks aaaaaaass. Everything else isn't that bad though. I'm good to go. How have you been? How's things with your woman?
from da1-4-u :
I LOVE ME ... AND I LOVE ASHLEY!!
from prolixity22 :
Hello, I noticed you added me as a favorite, I changed diaries too though, if you want to stop by it is http://prolictic.diaryland.com. Later.
from theshakedown :
that last entry was really beautiful, girl. oh this is honestyonly by the way, I changed usernames.
from nattidreadz :
eye come in peace. thanks for check'n out da spot. yeah, the piece about your ex and her new girl initials and name is ironic? good luck with the house and the girl friend thang. eye look forward to reading more about it. blessings. one.
from nattidreadz :
peace...i'm feelin' your diary piece...the women, the drama, all dat. reading ur entries makes me feel like im not in the 'game' alone. check me out. 1
from imperfectlyy :
I'll have to agree that that's a *wonderful* wake-up call. =)
from imperfectlyy :
You're baaaaaaaack!
from gemille :
oh... taka... i've tried emailing you before.. dunno what's up.. my email is still up.. hotmail and yahoo.. so, drop me a line.
from imperfectlyy :
Howdy. It's Cierra. Thiiiiiis is my new diary.
from lezbian :
I have a new diary, well I just changed the name really. I wrote an entry about it...so if you'd like to list me as a favorite, you should now list "imperfectlyy" instead. =)
from diary-viewer :
I finally got you a reviewer! It's a lil short and choppy, but you'll get the idea. Go check the site.
from smoke-screen :
Thanks for the words of encouragement...Peace..oh, I like the diary. :-)
from memaselfni :
HEY LUV..I WAS JUST BROWSIN AND DECIDED TO CHECK YOU OUT..IM FEELIN IT..SO DROP BY MY SPOT AND TAKE A GANDER..OR NOT..*SMIRK*...OUTRO
from utter-views :
Hey you applied for a review and I can't find it. :o( So if you can come back and sign the guestbook with it's location that would be great.
from lezbian :
I'm diggin' your new layout =)
from lezbian :
~snicker~ I wonder if I tried that, if anyone would flood my guestbook...~ponder ponder~ HOW ARE YA?!
from broken-dyke :
Baby baby baby! I want to know you place no one above you I wanna love u! That was the first thing that poped into my head when I went to leave you a note hehe. I just woke up and I'm a little delerious. Noone leaves me notes either not even u!!!! hehe ~Carey~
from lezbian :
YAY FOR YOU AND YOUR DILDO!
from lezbian :
I don't think I wanna buy you a gold membership, but I'd like to have one also. Lemme know if you've got the hook-up. hehehe
from broken-dyke :
Just wanted to let you know I am think about you and hoping you are feeling ok * kisses you on your forehead then smacks your ass and runs away while watching it jiggle* hehe Love ya babe! ~Carey~
from honestyonly :
You said, "In my strive towards that 100% perfect ness, Iíve come to the realization that people are for the most part selfish fucking bastard whores!" Can I get a fucking AMEN! If you read even 1 or 2 of my diary entries, you will see I've been saying basically the same thing for months now.
from honestyonly :
By the way, the link "back to my page" on your guestbook doesn't work. I can fix that for you if you want.
from lezbian :
How exciting that you mentioned me in your diary! But! My linky doesn't work...it's leZbian...and you put leSbian. How sad. Oh well. Thanx a hoot!
from lezbian :
I think I must be a diary stalker too. I read all of hers as well. Then I got stuck on ninabean and read quite a few. I'm no where near done, hopefully I won't get that crazy obsession and feel I have to complete the whole list...that's a whole lotta reading!
from lezbian :
Did you get that quiz off of my site?!?! :)
from lezbian :
Howdy! I'm online and you aren't! Ah! Talk to you laters though.
from broken-dyke :
ahahaha! well my last name is Venus thats why I said that.
from broken-dyke :
You are ruled by me!!! I am venus.
from broken-dyke :
hi! If you want to know what's going I kinda tried to explain it in my first entry and i have another diary at [email protected] that is my older one and its kinda shitty but it will probobly explain alot if you read back. I know how it feels to have a 2 year old around all the time i watch my cousins 20 month old baby everyday all day its more like she's mine she only has her form about 10:00 at night untill 8:00 in the morning when she brings her back to me. ok i'm babbling so i'm gonna stop now. lol....byeeeee
from broken-dyke :
hey! I just read you diary today thought I would let you know..hehe
from lezbian :
Eh! Crazy lesbians...I'm beginning to think she has muliple personalities or some shit...it's always something different. You'd think she'd be a lil better about things, she's 17, but who's the more mature one? Me, Cierra, the 15 yr old. Geezus fuckin christ. I'm sure I'm going to look forward to the added drama as the years go by. Thank you very much. :| Grrr. Anyway, thanx for leaving a note! Enjoy your reads...
from scorpionlz :
I never know what to say when you two have your ups and downs. I was hoping that you two would work out different. All I can hope now is that you feel better soon. P.s can u delete my cell number off the notes.
from lezbian :
I just wanted to let you know that I read your diary. Check mine out if you'd like :)
from gemille :
w'sup.. i just wanted to leave you a lil somethin. keep your head up, okay? i love you.

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