messages to sduckie:
(click here to add new message):

from julymalaise :
I just returned too and glad to see you're back!!!
from narcissa :
3-13: hi!
from signomifly :
Duckie!!!!! I don't know how I remembered my password, being that I changed my email.....but hi! Glad to see you're still around. I'm going to have to do this at work tomorrow as this format comes up weird on my phone, but I can't wait to read you tomorrow!!! I still am at Wordpress - Jillshill - but I'll be back tomorrow!!!
from cocoabean :
Duck! Glad to see you!!
from cocoabean :
check the places that hire students.. they've all gone back to school and need help!
from cocoabean :
yes, short and sweet is good! I agree, it's no one else's business what medical issues you might have. I usually just tell people it has nothing to do with them. Hang in there!
from cocoabean :
The one thing I've noticed when I go to the beach is that there's always someone fatter than me in a really skimpy bathing suit. That always makes me feel better about wearing mine!
from cocoabean :
No sense responding to someone who wouldn't work out! Keep posting!
from cocoabean :
Yay! Glad to see you post!
from narcissa :
hi! hadn't seen you updating here for a long time... hope things are well over there.
from narcissa :
what dangerspouse said. and hang in there...
from dangerspouse :
Some of us are still here on DL, and some of us even still read you. Feel better :)
from cocoabean :
It is definetly FB that brought an end to a lot of blogging... also DLand's offline times sent a lot of bloggers running to wordpress or blogger. I have considered coming back to FB but it's hard for my siblings to get here and comment. I am not a big fan of FB either...
from cocoabean :
It is hard when people ditch you and don't tell you why. At least if they give you a reason, you don't wonder the rest of your life why they decided not to be your friend. It's a very cowardly way to end a friendship.
from toastcrumbs :
Sorry about your storage unit, that is depressing to see your stuff being destroyed. Have you thought of transferring some of your things from cardboard boxes into plastic bins with lids? Walmart or Target usually will have them on sale. I have heard moth balls and dryer sheets are good for repelling mice (although not sure if it really works).
from girlkisses :
sduckie gk
from cocoabean :
Maybe she thinks a baby will bring her and Mr G close enough that he will want to marry her...
from cocoabean :
All my favorite people updated today!!
from toastcrumbs :
Hope all is well with you, I miss your entries!
from cocoabean :
It does kind of sound like Bethany wants your "help" with the business, but from your description of her, I wonder how long she would be helping you. I think you are making the right decision!
from dangerspouse :
Thanks for the reply! (Lol...I think I've been online too long today. I read it as "I have a diary allergy".) Well, good luck with that. Maybe you should think about changing your diary's picture to something not cheese colored, though...?
from dangerspouse :
Wait - CHEESE gives you a sore throat?
from annanotbob2 :
*hugs* xx
from cocoabean :
*hugs*
from narcissa :
woah! you moved! good luck! stressful at times, I'm sure, but also - exciting for you too, right?
from cocoabean :
It will all work out... and just to ease your mind a bit, cancer doesn't come and go like that, but do have it checked.
from cocoabean :
Pressure can be a great motivator! Do you have a new place in mind?
from cocoabean :
As we age and learn, our lives change, too. Change is part of learning, and I have learned to just accept it. Do try to get outside now and then... ;)
from cocoabean :
San Diego is lovely this time of year.. sunny and clear, low humidity and low 80s. Run away to the beach for a week or so!
from cocoabean :
Sounds like it's time for a change.
from cocoabean :
you ok?
from toastcrumbs :
Here I am at work doin' my thing, which is nothing. <-- This pretty much sums up everyday at my job. I don't have much to say right now, but thought I'd leave a note to say I've been thinking of you and catching up on your entries. :)
from cocoabean :
Wow, that's great!
from cocoabean :
It sounds to me like you are right about Ginny.. go with your feelings on that, they are usually right! If you send out a help message from AZ, I will definitely come rescue you!!
from julymalaise :
I know, right? It is annoying!! It was probably my stupid-ass neighbor who lives across the street from me. Rumor has it she listens in to people on the phone. I believe it, she nosy as hell!!
from cocoabean :
things like that don't last long anywhere. My apartment manager told me not to put anything big in the dumpster, just leave it in the alley for someone to take.. so if I have clothes or shoes to toss, I just set them near the dumpster, and they are always gone in the mornings!
from cocoabean :
As you said, the proof is in the pudding. Alfie just needs someone to blame for his own shortcomings, and right now it's you.
from cocoabean :
and you shouldn't need to apologize, you've done nothing wrong. Alphie forgives you? For something you've done wrong, but only in his mind? Honestly, I would just ignore the letter, and just never reply to anything he has to offer. He will get the hint eventually and stop.
from cocoabean :
I kind of get the feeling Alfie wanted you to react differently to his first email.. like he wanted to argue this with you, and when you said, Oops, my bad, it wasn't enough. Heh. That'll show him!
from cocoabean :
Oooo I don't know why he wouldn't call, I hope he does! Sometimes I think the attractive guys are just that.. attractive and nothing else.
from julymalaise :
Thanks Duck, I am super-excited and you are so right, I need to stay away for boy bullshit, it is so not healthy and it needs to not present in my life. Thanks so much, again. You are totally cool! Sorry if this note is late! Luv ya!
from julymalaise :
Thanks, duck!! You are fabu!!! :D
from cocoabean :
some "friends" are just not worth having.
from starhearts :
Hi duck yes it does suck to feel stuck in grief and since feelings are not connected to time we watch time go by and yet we can be brought back to moments that evoke emotions like they happened yesterday. Logically we know it was not yesterday and we know even sometimes that it is not "logical" but emotional responses don't work through memories evoked in logic, they just are. So in some senses they are in fact timeless. I hate being stuck and I am in many areas of my life even now. Some pain just doesn't seem to disappear or go away. I was told yesterday that anger is at least an energy response..so far lately I don't find mine feeling too good or easy to accept. Again it is a feeling and I have to try to remember that it just is and sometimes feelings don't always make sense or follow a specific timeline like we thinking they logically maybe should. hang in there.
from cocoabean :
I don't believe you are over reacting re: Thomas and Gia. $20 a day (and/or sleeping outside in a tent) does kind of feel like a slap in the face.. are you going to visit your friends, or are you renting a place to stay? I can't see utilities costing that much, or food, either.
from julymalaise :
Dreaming is good for the soul. :D
from julymalaise :
I love dreams and isn't so weird that you have more than one dream each night? I need to keep a dream journal...
from cocoabean :
Glad you dodged those bullets, although, one never knows what might have happened if you'd stayed with them... I really would rather be alone than with someone who is dragging me down!
from cocoabean :
That happened to me too. I wish people would just be upfront with things and not "unfriend" people (and I don't mean on FB) without at least telling them why.
from cocoabean :
Yes! The feeling of relief will be immediate..
from annanotbob2 :
Rest, darling, rest. Be your own very best friend - what would you advise your friend who was exhausted? Wish I could come and look after you for a bit - you are a star. Big hugs xxxxx
from cocoabean :
Nia needs to go to therapy, even if Lee doesn't. It will help her sort things out in her own head, and give her the strength she needs to leave, if that's what she really wants.
from annanotbob :
Locked now: Mind thegap xxxxxxxx
from cocoabean :
It seems to me Simon's wife would be a good reason for you not to sleep with him. If he can't get that through his head, then maybe it's Simon you need to have the falling out with.
from toastcrumbs :
Hi Duck, I am catching up on all of your entries. Have you gone on your yoga retreat yet? I have always wanted to go on one of those, but I only do yoga approximately 3 times a year and am really only good at one pose (cow, go figure). I have never spent 5 hours cleaning my house, that's impressive. You have to feel good about having a cleaner space and 18 less dead spiders hanging around.
from cocoabean :
There is no good that can come from eating a can of frosting.....
from casa-rosie :
*Crosses arms and taps foot* Sweetie, have you gone to the Flylady website yet? Seriously, if you just take it a little at a time and get on track, you will get into routines and will find it MUCH easier to keep on top of everything, and much easier to toss the clutter. Remember, clutter can't be arranged, it just falls back to clutter!
from cocoabean :
Ooo that's a tough one. But it's my feeling that what other people say in emails is only meant for me if it's sent to me. I have had opportunities but have always walked away.
from annanotbob :
Big hugs, sweetie, big hugs xxx
from cocoabean :
When I lie in bed at night and relax, my jaw is the first and last thing I relax. Some days it's just really hard to not clench your teeth!
from cocoabean :
You need to have something nice to wear... besides, you don't treat yourself like this often!
from annanotbob :
Sultanas are dried white grapes - having just looked them up, I'm guessing they're what you call sultana raisins, but I expect anything along those lines would be cool. This is the recipe I used http://www.food.com/recipe/a-british-classic-pan-yan-pickle-246663 We've eaten a jar of it already, on sandwiches with cheese and/or cold meat and it's good, though I put in 3 tsp of curry powder and next time I'll try it with less. I hate that Branson pickle Stepfie mentioned, and it's nothing like that. xx
from annanotbob :
Big hugs, darling, big hugs and thanks for your kind note. Pickle is stuff you eat with cheese or cold meat - this one was made with cooking apples (do you have them? kind of sour), sultanas, dates, brown sugar, vinegar and curry powder, all chopped up small, stirred together and left overnight. A little bit of creativity keeps me just the right side of crazy (mostly), whether it's cooking, knitting or just making a corner of a room, or a shelf look pretty. Sending you the very best of best wishes in these difficult times. xxx
from starhearts :
Hi Duck I take what you took before bed most nights. Since your body makes it naturually for sleeping it works. The challenge i have is that most often I don't sleep straight through even when I take it...4-5 hours and I am often awake, but still tired. So not sure...my doctor takes it and swears by it. What dosage do you have? it comes in several. Mine is 5 mgs I think. I tried taking 2 but that was too much I found though it is hard to know as they sell it in 3 mg, 5 mg and 10 mg? I think?
from starhearts :
tried to leave a note for someone and it didn't work stating they needed a supergold membership...odd...so I thought I would leave you a note Duck just to see if your still works ok..... hopefully all is well and I am still reading along though I haven't commented much lately. I still like seeing how life is unfolding for you..never a dull moment it seems as you often find something to write about :) C.
from cocoabean :
I find it's easier to eat less when I occupy myself with something else.. otherwise I end up thinking about what I could be eating.. and being out of the house makes it easy to avoid eating. It's not easy, that's for sure.
from starhearts :
An after thought... does the bride have much in the way of family or friends in the area beyond you? families seem to love to "help" when needed often around these types of events so making a few calls to ask for a helping hand would lessen the work ALOT and they can bring food to help cut the costs...playing your cards right you could organize yourself out of spending little to nothing and still pulling the bridal shower together if you need to....seen it done and it works well if her family (mom, aunts, etc can give a hand...anyone can make sandwiches or cake or brownies :o) If not then limit what you can do and that it what happens ....everything can't always be perfect, but you do care enough to have said yes to her about being in the wedding so that was one step anyways
from starhearts :
Sounds like more pressure and more outspending for the wedding you were not sure you wanted to be in...it is hard to say no but doing more then you can it becomes internalized anger which can lead depresson..take care of you too!! :o) it's your life and in the end your choices so keep the power doing what you need to be ok. I know friends are important too.....challenging
from cocoabean :
Sometimes we just need a "down" day when we don't push hard, and just rest and relax!
from starhearts :
Food and sugar inparticular are my downfall to. I am hoping with moving to change some things and healthier meals and snacks are definitely on the list... while under stress at the moment though that is harder to do here,,,,good luck I know you'll do what you feel you need to over time Hugs C.
from cocoabean :
I agree, it's easy to say "stop eating sugar" but really hard to do!
from cocoabean :
You are right, spending money does depend on one's priorities. I like to save, but I also like to have the things I want, within reason. I would like a million dollar home, but I realize I can't afford one!
from casa-rosie :
There is so much to cover here, and I don't have the time this moment, but I understand. Believe me I do. I think I've mentioned the Yeast thing before, haven't I? You are exhibiting many, many signs of it, and there are some other things. Let me get through this weekend, and I will have some good info for you. HUGS!
from casa-rosie :
Instead of a fast, I would perhaps suggest a Raw-ish food cleanse, though I do suggest having a little meat to keep up your protein levels. Buy salad makings, and spend a little time to chop everything up and put it all in baggies. Even the ready-made family-sized salad in those plastic tubs at the grocery store work great. Have whatever you like in the salad or cooked on the side, broc, cauliflower, carrots, beets, sunflower seeds, tomatoes, etc. and a small serving of steak or chicken or fish. Having it ready to serve up cuts stress, and makes it easy to eat within 20 minutes. Totally take bread, goodies, etc. out of your house. If it isn't there, you can't eat it! Believe it or not, this is also the cheapest way to eat. It should also help with the cramps and things. Hugs!
from starhearts :
Sounds like a few things on the go your end. Money challenges are not much fun and I am sure a bit stressful....certainly there is not enough this end either. Alas life does keep going and somehow makes it through. Hang in there! Thinking of you C.
from casa-rosie :
One blogger, I think her name is starkitten, had a similar situation. She backed out, and her friend did NOT understand. I think it's a good way to find out who really IS your friend! I think an email to Steffy saying that as you add everything up, you can't possibly come up with all of that money this week, especially with only a month's notice. Ask her if there is someone's house you can stay at, etc. etc., and if not, then you just can't commit to this. Give her a dollar amount, like, "OK, adding everything up, being your MOH is running about $850 (Or whatever the real figure is), which I simply don't have. How can we bring this figure down to something I can manage?" Best of luck!
from cocoabean :
I agree, I would expect the bride and groom to pay for at least some of your expenses. Considering you have to buy a plane ticket, (and a wedding gift) I could totally see not doing it. Sounds like an expensive weekend for you!
from cocoabean :
I haven't seen even one episode of Lost... so you would be the second last person to see it. Heh.
from cocoabean :
I can understand your hesitation for the solo blind date who lives 2 hours away!
from starhearts :
As for your note on guys..... life would be so much easier without them. Sorry G did not call you...... and yes I get the idea of waiting for one guy wondering if he will even matter or be around the next year.... having flash backs of Steve leaving me last January...last night I finally told him. I am internally and mentally waiting for him to walk out again as that seems to be what he does. He wouldn't phone his mom for Christmas...and my son didn't phone me either..not healthy patterns. Give me a female friend any day!!
from starhearts :
Hi Duck Sorry to hear your were not feeling well over Christmas! Family gatherings can be challenging. My mom tries so hard, my dad yells and barks at her, my sister and brother and their families decided not to give me anything for Christmas (my sister told me ahead of time that I didn't have to get her anything..she is making $85,000 a year plus...and used that as an excuse that we didn't "have to" exchange gifts. She didn't even want to stay for Christmas dinner because I was going to be there and she talked to my sister in law and brother I am quite sure....nice. Anyways my focus was my mom. I figured she didn't need fighting, or anything, I tired to make and provide a large amount of the food ahead...stressful time of year.
from starhearts :
Hi Duck In the interest of wasting some time and not having cable or satelite anymore, I am wondering if you were watching tv on the net somehow? Either that or I miss read your entry?? I have never figured out if watching tv shows on the net is possible and I don't know anything about it..other then if it is possible it would widen my entertainment world :o) Right now we buy dvd sets of shows I like to watch such as CSI, etc. but that can get expensive, though there are alot of hours in each set that is for certain. Anyways just curious
from cocoabean :
For your cough, try Mucinex or the generic.. it works great!
from cocoabean :
The whole of Dexter could have been over at the end of season 4... That last show had an amazing ending!
from starhearts :
It is hard to feel good about life when you are not feeling good physically. Hopefully when you get over this time things will improve. I can't imagine cutting out sugar thoguh you have said for a long time it causes problems. It is just such a basic in so many things. Hope your feeling much better not to far from now... C.
from cocoabean :
Aren't we all attracted to the unavailable?
from starhearts :
This one is only my view..but if Shelby is talking to you on his cell outside of his house then there is likely a reason..like his wife is at home...so if he doesn't have a flat rate on his cell and he can't call you from home and you think he is being distant... yep you are justified in being disappointed because he has a life now with someone else and somehow that is the fit at this point in time ...how that then works between you? I don't know but my best guess is that it is no longer a thing his wife is aware of...if so then I am very wrong... but the actions somehow just don't say that in my way of thinking...if I am incorrect then tell me....??
from cocoabean :
Just look at it this way. Your next check should be a bigger one than usual..
from cocoabean :
They increased their prices AND put a mandatory 20% service charge on the bill? Plus you still have to leave a tip? Jeebus they'd better have good food!
from cocoabean :
But I love you!
from starhearts :
Well I like peanut butter cups, but I don't think that is what you were heading for ...In any case being abused and/or neglected in some ways was not your fault. I know we carry that stuff and wonder why relationships are sometimes harder as adults. I think I did in the end to my children some of what my parents did to me. Not the beatings stuff, but the close and then distancing stuff, being there but not at points, etc. It was not even concious really just when they needed me I was there as much as I could be, but emotionally there seemed at time limits. Anyways this is not about me this is about you and in the end I think you have some solid insights that if you are able to work with them will help to untangle some things that wern't yours as a child to have to take on. I often in these cases wonder what your mom's relationship was like when she was a child in her parents home. The genogram stuff on families can potentially show some pretty clear patterns of relationships and I know that reoccuring patterns become very clear in them sometimes. When I worked on mine recently for class the levels of triangulation in my life was HUGE and ironically it started with my mom, but I wouldn't be at all supprised if it actually started with her mom who was involved in EVERYONES life ..she cared but she also always had an oppinion and boundries were not healthy, also abuse issues were present and poverty..so it is interesting sometimes and maybe less scary when looked at as a larger part of a family system and how all of it plays roles that influence others. just a thought on some level....hang in there though!
from cocoabean :
Please do yourself both a favor and tell Pandora how you feel...
from cocoabean :
I always cry when I have a fever.. maybe it was just that.
from casa-rosie :
Duck, if you haven't already, go check out the Flylady at www flylady.net She helps you get on track and organized, and her friend had written a great book about how to get out of debt (the GOOD Book). She teaches you how to use the time you have, and to incorporate routines so you can keep things nice always without having to do the "Stash and Dash". It's a little overwhelming at first, just sign up for the once a day update, and start wherever you are! Hope that helps! Oh, and here's a thought...I used to keep my bedroom messy just so I COULDN'T have anyone over, which sort of protected me from...well...ME!
from signomifly :
Lol...child I love your "almost sex" stories. They make me giggle, because I get so anxious like "yes it's gonna happen"....you trick me every time! Lol
from killsbury :
I have the same type of dream. I looked it up in a dictionary once and it said it meant there is a need to cleanse, or purify, yourself of past emotions. It was very fitting for me.
from cocoabean :
I can understand being attracted to guys.. but just don't allow them to suck you in to their less than adult behavior.
from starhearts :
Very interesting analysis of Roc...depth was impressive really from reading it. .....you will see in time if M calls I guess but you have done really well in working through the emotional attachment for him I think...it is certainly not easy! Hope life continues to treat you with the best it has to offer.... :o)
from starhearts :
Hey Duck :) Got your note and will send it in an email soon. Sounds like an interesting date and looking forward to hearing more about what you decide about him. The cliff hanger to your entry is the last line about M.... interesting that you called him.....waiting to hear more out of sheer curiousity really. As for life, this end is ok and I think that it might be looking up somehow..will see over the next month how it plays itself out I guess :)
from annanotbob :
Valid points, babe, valid points. xxx
from cocoabean :
Interesting dream, that, considering your name. And yes, where can a relationship go when there are two continents involved, and one person intent on staying where they are. Does she think she can change his mind?
from casa-rosie :
Interesting about that gal...I do remember that when I was with the Evil Greg, people thought that I was the bitch, and that he was the "great guy" for putting up with me. They didn't see that I was the one always working my ass off with no help to keep things together, and after a while, you do develop hard edges. So maybe she was/is/and always will be a bitch, or maybe the hubby leaving might be the best thing to happen to her. Just playin' devil's advocate here...*Grin* Now as for Roc...this is deffo sounding interesting! I am holding out the highest hopes and best intentions for all to go well for you! Hugs!
from casa-rosie :
Roc sounds very nice, and keeping your heart out of it while you accurately assess your chances and the situation is a wise move. Love is wonderful, but it totally screws up our objectivity...then again, I think it's supposed to do that, otherwise we'd never last a month with anyone!
from starhearts :
Glad to see you are back and seem ok :o)
from toastcrumbs :
Sometimes sitting down in front of the fan is the best thing ever . . . especially after the laundromat.
from starhearts :
Duck??? Are you there? Starting to worry a bit about you...are you ok? C.
from starhearts :
Hey Duck Hope things are going ok for you this week!! C.
from casa-rosie :
I couldn't access the webpage from that URL, it came back with an error. One other thing that might be helpful for those of us advising would be posting a photo of just your body from the neck down, since your actual shape will make a big difference in how a dress will look.
from cocoabean :
The lady knew by intuition what you wanted? No, she's giving you an excuse for trying to take advantage of you. She says she's skittish, but she's really afraid you will dump her, and I have to wonder if her other customers did the same thing. Seems like she's trying to guilt you into continuing to buy.
from starhearts :
Thinking of you and I know that you will end up ok after all of this, transitions are challenging, but it sounds like you have some friends who give support.
from cocoabean :
I agree with Serena... for what it's worth. And if you ever get down to SD, we could drive out to Rosie's together... I would love to see the two of you and all the drooling men!
from casa-rosie :
If you ever get out this way, I'd love to go hit the town with you...I think we'd have the guys tripping over their tongues! The poor babies would never be the same.
from casa-rosie :
I am so happy that things seem to be going better, and that you are AWARE of everything. But I can't believe that Kelly is still going to put the cretin on the deed, he's going to screw her over bad! Maybe if you suggest that she sees a lawyer first? or perhaps checks herself in for a 30 day evaluation? Because what she is doing is purely self destructive! It must be so difficult for you as her friend to sit by and watch her do this, I know I'd be like a little yapping dog at her heels! *LOL*
from cocoabean :
I agree.. when I'm around people who thrive on drama, it makes me crazy!
from starhearts :
Hi Duck Sounds like you are still seeing lots of people, sounds good and relaxing and self care..you are on a good road from the sounds of things :o) C.
from casa-rosie :
I've had great luck with taking a couple of ibuprofen about a half hour before I sleep. I've also read that if you are on the computer, it takes about 45 minutes to decompress before you can actually sleep, so I try to read or put on a stupid movie when I want to slow my brain down to go to sleep. Hope those hints help. Hugs!
from cocoabean :
If you learned something from Smitten, which I think you did, then it wasn't a waste. But don't sell the man in brown short.. he might be a different color underneath!
from starhearts :
Kelly's ex is SCARY!! Holy crow...sign over your house to me and then if you feel like living there you can...UM HELLO..What A controlling user...WOW....made my skin crawl reading that one...shakes head... As for you duck hopefully you are feeling much better soon!!!! Hugs, C.
from starhearts :
thinking of you duck and reading along :o)
from signomifly :
duckie - no sex??!!! wha????? what do I have to do to negotiate for Mr. Shelby? Lol - kidding....those are honestly GREAT rules! I like the one about nicknames -- these are rules I needed when I was a single gal (well except #4....I am actually ok with the non-commital sex). So does Shelby try for sex or is he ok with the rules?
from cocoabean :
I don't think you are awful for writing what you did. They will be having trouble with their son as soon as he starts going to school. Or maybe I should say the kid is going to have trouble at school, because the teachers in no way will cater to him. He is in for a rude awakening. If they decide to homeschool him, it will just delay the inevitable.
from starhearts :
#2 - anyways I don't have internet at the new apartment as yet so I am stuck using it some at work and not organized anough to just to to the library or my parents even at this point. WAY too much in two weeks....I just need to do some normal stuff like baking or something, but even that seems too much given the chaos of the new place...it just isn't feeling like home at this point. It is ok, but not my home with my partner, lover and best friend...and if he doesn't move in then I need somehow to be ok and I am a LONG ways from that at this point....time to maybe set up some supports emotionally this week to ensure I am able to begin to take better care of myself because right now Steve is still way too much of the focus...each day it is when can I call him, when will I see him next, etc...and he is not living with me so that makes for anxious attachments which make all of it worse. He needs to decide very soon what he is doing and I have made that clear to him because the transition is not ok for me in the end of all this...I am trying not to push him but I am being clear with what I need which is to know what to expect and so far he is not clear anough even to tell me. So....time....at least a bit. I will know more by the end of this week I think and let you know ...HUGS and take care of you! Sounds like your time with Shelby is good and hard at points...hope you are ok! C.
from starhearts :
Hi Duckie thanks for the note..life has really been more then rough the past few weeks and I felt like I was loosing my home and my partner all at once and it was WAY WAY too much. Steve has stuck around some and it seems he will someday sort out things but...he needs to be clearer that he wants me in his life and he is not there yet at this point..lots of reasons to move in with me but none of them really the "right" reason if that makes sense? So I am waiting him out at this point and trying to put my life together all at the same time...very difficult as he really needs to decided so I can move on yet I don't want him to go..and he might and that will make it all worse. Not a good space to be in period
from playinghouse :
Hi there, just checking in to see how you're doing. I know you think I've forgotten you, but I have not. I'd like to make a change to your template. Make it a little nicer. Email me when you have a chance. Love Rose
from starhearts :
"And you have to believe them when they say they don't want a relationship, don't love you, or won't be tied down. Because they will still have sex with you after they say that, but they will feel like they told you the truth so it should come as no surprise that after sex they still don't love you, want a relationship, or to be tied down. This I've learned, no doubt." Thanks...if you are right I am wasting my time....BIG TIME! Sigh...something to think about this end....and i just spent $160 on 2 new tires for his car. Two days ago he told me he is not in love with me...I wanted to believe he was just running scared..after reading a few articles I have concluded that nope he was likely being honest...your comment confirms that one. Re-thinking life this end.
from poolagirl :
I agree. Mel Gibson is WAY too violent for my tastes.
from starhearts :
"I only know it so well because I've been there myself- in love with someone who can't quite meet me halfway, hoping with every step for a deeper commitment, believing that if I was "good enough", he'd eventually come around." BOY do I know that feeling right now....wow...thanks for putting that one into words that I can see it...certainly it is a recognition this end that wishing for something and facing the reality of something is certainly not the same. Thanks Duck! And Merry Christmas...... :o) C.
from signomifly :
Hahahaha @ Luke. Your insight has a way of making me laugh and giggle like a little girl. That was hilarious :)
from starhearts :
Thanks Duckie...Steve is extremely high needs and so focused on himself with the Asbergers that when he is running into big problems in his life he is not able to deal with them and me too. His family is a nightmare and his mother is abusive as far as I am concerned...she is a REAL witch. So I am at this time moving to Stratford and not giving up on him but I am setting up my life. If he wants to join me which would be a great life then that is wonderful...if not then that is his choice. He thinks he needs to be single to get welfare and the supports to apply for disability and he needs to be independent. I think he is not moving with his mother possibly and that alone will save us because I will come up and stay here and then have him come to Stratford. If he moves in with her I have lost him perminantly. At this point she treated me so badly that I am blocking calls from her and from their family. Steve has a cell and I trusted her anough yesterday to give her the number. That was a BIG BIG mistake. Anyways she left two messages and I won't be passing them along or any others for that matter. I don't need that crap in my life from her or anyone. Steve has to get his life together so if that means living on his own then I have to let him. I hope in time he will come back but I will try to keep in touch in the meantime. And Yes I need to self invest in my life....emotionally he is killing me and it is very hurtful. keep in touch...please...
from cocoabean :
Dick, yes. Anyway, I know how you feel about being almost sort of happy. I feel the same way. Even though some things didn't turn out the way I thought they would, some aspects of living here are way better than I thought. And I like my life now!
from annanotbob :
Good for you, girl. I am going to attempt to follow your example and get lots of old shit out of my house and out of my head. Big hugs and best wishes xxx
from cocoabean :
Good going!
from starhearts :
Hey Duck! CONGRADULATIONS!! This a HUGE STEP!!!! :o) WOW! I am impressed!
from starhearts :
Hey Duck you know i respect you and I don't think you are "fucking things up" again...I think you are trying to figure out if a real relationship is possible in your life. I have some real questions around Shelby being good for you as much as it might feel that way only due to attachments and men issues...but that said I am not one to give advice in the male species department or relationships for that matter. I just wonder if in the end you can live with the reality of the limits of life for what you have and what you will want? And only you can answer that...free sex/intimacy unfortunately is never really "free". It will take weighing out the costs in this one vs. the benefits and truly knowing if you can stay detached anough in this case to be healthy and open to someone else in the end of it all??? I don't know .....but you very likely do. hugs C.
from signomifly :
I LOVE YOU DUCKIE!!!!!
from cocoabean :
Thanks for the suggestion, but I can't wear clogs. The shoe has to have a back on it to be compliant with safety regs. Otherwise I would wear crocs!
from casa-rosie :
*LOL* No darling, you are certainly NOT a train wreck. I'm so proud of your progress on figuring yourself out, and moving on with things. I just wish we lived closer, I'd love to go out and chat one on one with you! Hugs!
from poolagirl :
Hang in there, Duckie. I am thinking of you.
from signomifly :
omg i alsmost passed out when you talked about the chiropractor messing up your back.....
from signomifly :
You DO deserve better lovie. I know you've been feeling that way for a long time, but isn't it great when you go from knowing to KNOWING. **hearts a mill*
from annanotbob :
Wise words, duckie, wise words x
from cocoabean :
there are a few out there, but they are drunk. heh. hang in there!
from annanotbob :
Here are some commas for future use: ,,,,,,,,,,,,, and a big hug {{{Duckie}}}
from my5cents :
Thanks for your note. I have been so bad about blogging lately but I am back and hope to get several blogs written each week. No, I haven't read The Northern Light and I will look for that one soon. I just picked up THE WHITE QUEEN by Phillipa Gregory..another of my favorite authors...she writes about all the kings and queens....fascinating stuff.
from signomifly :
I sent you an email sweetie with some recipe's. My email is signomifly@yahoo.com
from signomifly :
Oooo - me likes Jerry!!! Lol
from starhearts :
Interesting process analysis...tell me more about the prestostrone though..chemically produced brain chemical I would guess..but??? curious.... The whole addicted to someone who then is not meeting the needs you have or the hopes I live out daily..and then I tend to try to rescue them. We all have patterns so you are right if you can see the patterns then work on shifting to reframe how you see it it then potentially opens up being able to understanding new choices. Thomas did well I think and what he said was hard....but what you did in accepting it, taking it apart and applying it seems to be facinating :) I like people who are bright.... thanks for letting me read along :)
from killsbury :
We are a lot alike and in the same place right now. I've been unable to write about it because of the shame I felt. I think you just altered my view. It's time for me to change.
from signomifly :
I think (in my opinion) that the reason why you still hurt so badly for/about M is because you love him. Even if it's not the conscious you, the sub-conscious you loves him. And losing someone that you love hurts. It can hurt for years and years and years...(I just hope it doesn't take that long for your heart to stop hurting).
from casa-rosie :
Love the note! It's not at all hurt or angry, just matter-of-fact and it imparts information that might actually help him in the future. Hugs!
from cocoabean :
Send it! You will be honest with him, and it likely will help him grow to hear how you feel... and I think it will help you, too.
from signomifly :
Lol - I LOVE YOU DUCK!!!!!!!!! Your notes always make me smile more than you can imagine! I should try that...and get some hilarious reactions!
from starhearts :
Hi Duck..thank you for your entry on Anger. You have said and expressed what I only wish I could get myself to the point of. Anger is a powerful emotion that as much as some see it as negative, it can be positive because it often evokes change. Good for you!! And thanks for the reminder again of a solid life lesson...and the realities of raw feelings that are real. C.
from starhearts :
Thanks Duck..I know I should be taking better care of myself rather then meeting his needs. I just bought him clothes yesterday and today he came home having bought himself a movie..get the idea as yet. The other night he went out for a piece of pizza..had I had dinner? nope..and he knew that..did he bring a piece home..nope. After a while I am starting to just feel ill and wondering why I am feeling depressed. This week was particuarly bad..today he got a new job and starts tomorrow at a factory..he is happy and I ended up in tears after he left for work. I know it is a good thing I just feel kind of stuck here. He said he knew I was feeling low before he had to go out for work..I just need to do something different. I had been going to sign up for a course this fall to get out as that really helped when I was sinking last year at about this time..it did wonders. Unfortunately my new employer is not favourable to supporting me taking a course and made it clear that I can do it..BUT..and I just said forget it because I don't need hassles at work..anough stress in life already. In any case I need to find something to do as I don't work anough in any given week and even with on-calls I have very use to Steve being around to fill my time. Now he will be working days during the week and then coming home and driving his pizza job at nights until he figures out if the factory is solid as an employer...so the money issues if he actually spends the right way will get fixed on his end if the job lasts... and for me...I just need to start taking better care of myself. At the moment I don't exactly know what that looks like...school would have filled that and kept me focused..not sure what is next. Hopefully I can pull myself out of the slump I am sliding into...I like feeling happier I think. Anyways thanks for the note and I think you have offered some solid insights. I hope that now that you have decided about Smitten that things will trap you less with him. Sounds like there are several other guys that are more then happy to give you their attention and that might help some..hoping they are treating you well. I like the sounds of your girlfriends there...they are terrific to have around and I don't know what I would do without mine :) C.
from casa-rosie :
Great entry, I understand the whole icing thing, last week I actually bought (and ate) a whole big party tub of chocolate ice cream! ACK! So now I've gained back 5 pounds (or maybe more like 8, but who's counting?) from my lowest weight, and I'm having to really, really whip myself back into shape this week. And you aren't the only one wallowing in a pig sty, I'd be embarrassed to have ANYONE see my place right now, so I think today will be spent cleaning and putting things to rights. Oh, and Strictly Ballroom is one of the BEST movies ever! HUGS!
from starhearts :
If you find out the reason why bright intelligent women become wet dish rags due to men in their lives PLEASE let me know... I just spent time rescuing Steve financially and then having him upset and blowing up..you know you made a bad mistake when he now owes me money and I should have used it to take a course this fall...and then his mother announces to him "I don't like her!!" ..um ya... I have to wonder why I can make good choices and then when a man is in my life I just seem to not get it and forget how to take care of myself. Life overhaul may very well be in the card for the near future this end..will see...thanks for the eye openner and reminder in that statement..sorry here for the book! I think I understand your comments some about becoming angry..will try not to vent here sorry...
from casa-rosie :
If any of your friends do Role playing games, they might have an old one laying around, or if there is a comic book shop in the area it should have some. I know that I had a multi-sided die around here somewhere, but I can't remember where it is now.
from casa-rosie :
I wish I knew what to tell you about Smitten, but here's a thought. He seems to come around more when you are ignoring him and having fun with someone else, right? Well, here's the thing. Get one of those 10 sided dice, and every time he contacts you, roll the die to see how long you should wait before you respond. That way, you aren't being predictable at all by following a "three day rule" or something like that, it's always random. Also, if you haven't heard from him, you could roll the die and then wait accordingly to contact him. Yeah, it's a bit of game playing, but he's in your circle of friends, and you can't just totally drop him, but you need a way to cope with him. Meanwhile, just distance your heart as much as you can. Hugs!
from cocoabean :
He deserves to be out. Good decision.
from killsbury :
"Man faucet" is my new favourite phrase ;)
from sunflowerowl :
thank you for letting me know! i just added you :)
from sunflowerowl :
Hi! I was wondering if it was okay to add you to my buddy list? I really like your diary. :)
from ifiliedown :
Honey, you are NOT a nut. You are a woman who knows what she wants and expects. There's absolutely nothing wrong or nutty about that. Just don't think too much about what he will think and do what you feel is best for YOU. Much love.
from casa-rosie :
I was thinking about all of this, and what immediately came to mind was how wonderful it is for your friends to have someone like you to be there for them when life takes these crappy turns. And likewise how nice it is that your parents are not only there for you, but for your friends too! Oh, and Kelly's ex-BF is a shithead, and he needs a boot firmly planted up his anal orifice! (Just my humble opinion!)
from julymalaise :
That sounds so horrible about the whole situation with Kelly. (Hugs) to her with the whole bf thing and hopefully she will be fine and (Hugs) to you for staying so strong with the Smitten situation.
from casa-rosie :
*HUGS* I think you are doing great! You've been learning a lot about yourself, and your reactions to others, and that's what we are here for!
from killsbury :
I understand exactly what you're going through. Let yourself grieve over those lost dreams. Then when someone does something for you, enough to deserve the cookies and attention, you'll be back to your killer self and ready!
from cocoabean :
I don't think it's ridiculous.. a relationship is a two-way street, and it seems you are the only one on it!
from starhearts :
Congrads...I know you put in 200% and any guy on the other end of that would be smart to wake up and see the great person they are looking at..that said, he might be nice to you but you have likely hit the nail on the head. There are others and no shortage of them. Finding someone who is worth it though is another story and when you find him it will be amazing!! I have no doubt :)
from ifiliedown :
Do what's best for you. That's what is important.
from starhearts :
Cheeseburgers are so much easier to understand then what relationships are...one piece of meat, one cheese, one bun and whatever else added...straight forward. Can guys just come with that simple of a receipe???? Anytime soon would be really good :) thanks for the entry it made the end of my day more interesting C.
from ifiliedown :
I'm sorry about Andy. I am glad that Smitten is being sweet. Much love!
from cocoabean :
A cheeseburger or chocolate cake!
from annanotbob :
Thank you so much for your support, duckie (cool name!). I have downloaded 'The Sweetest Thing' and will watch it today. xxx
from cocoabean :
Yeah, I could date someone who doesn't like chocolate... that means there would be more for me!
from theboxisback :
Hmm. I'm as stumped as you are about Smitten. He's definitely confusing. Just don't forget to take care of yourself in the situation. You deserve someone who's good to you and straight forward with you bout how they feel and what they want. :-)
from julymalaise :
I feel the same way too. When I am around guys that I like, I feel so shy arund them and I'm not so sure if they like me or not, and I can't tell if they do and I just confuse myself and then worry about if I did the wrong thing that and made the guy seem like I don't like him or whatever, but I do. I don't know, I'm just wierd like that.
from julymalaise :
Just stopping by to say hi, duckie, and that I love your diary, it's completely cool!
from theboxisback :
Men are so strange. The End.
from theboxisback :
thanks, duckie!
from theboxisback :
Right you are. Only when you are comfortable and content with who you are, can someone else feel the same way.
from julymalaise :
Hello, duckie. I know, you will get through this, because you seem to be a strong woman and don't let a guy take your thunder away from you. To be honest, I don't really know about relationships, but I am like learning by reading your diary. Maybe there is an explanation for him hating money. Maybe he just hates money and likes money at the same time. The explanation that he hates money because money only causes problems and it is a basically a life ruiner to our society. So yeah, that is prolly why he doesn't hate money.
from theboxisback :
Don't let what he said make you feel bad. It sounds to me like he was being a bit of a jerk. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong to me.
from killsbury :
By making the friend request on FB, you had asked him! I love what I read of you and he should count himself lucky to even have any of your attention. Men...
from starhearts :
Hi Duck :) Haven't been around as much due to working but glad to say I have caught up in reading on your d-land. You have a very adventerous life and always glad to keep reading along...congrads on finally spending time with Smitten, sounds like some connections there are growing a bit :) C.
from julymalaise :
Oh, I feel stupid now, but thank you for answering my question :P Gosh! Of course, you had to go alseep missy! You were up into 4 in the morning, oh my goodness! Hahhaha, it's okay, I love your duckie, hahahha and I enjoy reading your entries.
from theboxisback :
Geez. I know exactly how you feel about things ending badly with unanswered questions. I've been through a couple of relationships since that happened to me, but I'll admit sometimes it still creeps up in my mind. The thing is, I think people just need closure. It's hard to forget about things that you haven't gotten any true closure for. At this point, I think I'm going to have to deal with not getting my closure for the rest of my life. That man is miles away in New York, and I have no idea how to contact him. If you have the chance, you should get your closure. You're thoughts on Smitten are right on. Personally, I would love to see things work out with you. But if they don't, there's no reason in getting too upset about it. At this point, it's most definitely up to him. Thanks so much for your note yesterday. It made me smile.
from julymalaise :
I can totally relate to being in love with several people, so I could relate to your entry.
from cocoabean :
If you don't want my unsolicited opinion, then delete this comment. If you want it, then keep reading. I think it would be good for you to call M and get it over with. I don't think you can end your relationship with him with so many questions left unanswered. Call him and tell him you want your things back, and be done with him. I honestly think he is what's holding you back in other relationships. Say good bye, and mean it. Get him out of your life. I think you will feel light and free once you do, not sad and lonely.
from signomifly :
*smiling at smitten giving you acupuncture* that's sooo great! and I know you must have been on cloud nine the whole way home. I don't think anythings wrong w/ you calling or texting smitten today though. don't doubt yourself sugar :) lol - you should txt me if u ever 2nd guess yourself....i'm just sittin here all day with baby.
from julymalaise :
Wow, that was strange, you and Smitten called each other at the same time. Wicked.
from theboxisback :
Sometimes I read your entries and find that we are similar in many ways. I worry. A lot. I try to tell myself not to stress about these things too much. I'm not sure if that will help at all.
from theboxisback :
Oh Duckie. Doesn't it feel so much better knowing the answer. And I'm sure all the flirting was fun. :-)
from julymalaise :
Wow, I'm confused. I was just reading your diary, and I was wondering, is Smitten a doctor? I'm just wanted to know. Luv ya.
from julymalaise :
Hey, thanks for adding me and you're welcome.
from cocoabean :
just cause I'm not commenting doesn't mean I'm not reading.... I think your decision to just date when possible is a good one.... never know who you will meet, or what will develop!
from julymalaise :
Hey, I like your diary, may I add you to my reader's list?
from signomifly :
wow - first i'm glad that u and smitten were able to talk - and have like a good meaningful conversation! yay!! my small advice, I know u adore him but maybe this summer you can keep all options open. maybe go out with mickey some...i dunno. oh also --- I love reading ur stories! it gives me a great story to read while i'm feeding/holding kennedy :)
from theboxisback :
Wow. That conversation you had with Smitten made everything make sense to me. He's just scared of getting hurt again. I don't know why I didn't think it could be that before. Well, hopefully things will pan out well. You seem like you've been worried that you've scared him off. But if he's hung up on heartbreak, it really doesn't have much to do with you at all. Perhaps he'll get over his fears and open up to you again.
from casa-rosie :
GAH! How frustrating! There he is, the sparks are flying, and he is too afraid of being hurt to make a solid move! Well, we will see how it plays out...Interesting that Lalla saw the bond though. BTW, Have you ever posted a picture of yourself? I'd love to see if you look like I picture you!
from theboxisback :
I'm exactly the same way about sleeping next to someone. I have to been sleep deprived for me to get fast asleep. Either that or be in a very large bed made of memory foam so I can't feel it when the other person moves. It kind of sucks.
from theboxisback :
The rain affects me too. I'm always so depressing when it's raining. Sometimes, it makes me cry. I guess that's how being an emotional girl can be. Oh, and by the way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with TrueBlood being the highlight to your night. That show is amazing.
from signomifly :
just an fyi -- i had a little girl on 6/11. Her name is Kennedy...I'm too cheap to get a gold status here to post pics....so if you wanna see her, my email on facebook is signomifly@yahoo.com (you can search me that way....if you are on facebook).
from casa-rosie :
Check out this clip, when you mentioned you were drinking soymilk, it came to my mind... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdFVnJQJCRI
from theboxisback :
Life will get better.. No guarantee when, but without the bad times, there are no good times.
from my5cents :
I took back Thirteen Moons and Cold Mountain...just couldn't get into them...I decided I can check them out another time. You will rejoy Tea Rose....it's a great story and so far so is Winter Rose...has some of the same main characters and more
from my5cents :
RYC: What a nice surprise to hear from you....I will be back to read about your life very soon. I noticed a lot of mutual blogsite favorites. Glad you enjoy my reading choices. I have to confess I usually take home more books than I can read....but it's fun. If you can find The Tea Rose by Jennifer Donnelly...get it. I think I wrote about it a few weeks ago. I am reading the second in the series now titled The Winter Rose....
from casa-rosie :
Go out and buy some stuff called Folex. It's found in the carpet cleaning section, and it's in a white bottle with magenta lettering. It is simply THE best stuff for getting stains out of a carpet!
from starhearts :
Congrads on the break through and it sounds great to have a focus on continuing to enjoy life through some hopes of travelling. :) I think that working on life to make it the best it can be maybe is the best focus...think I learned something from your entry. Thanks duck! C.
from annanotbob :
Hope is always good. {{hugs}}
from casa-rosie :
I'm with you, I don't get the whole handbag thing, in fact, I haven't carried one in about 15 years! If I can't carry it in my pocket or bra, it stays home!
from poolagirl :
Why, thank you for "faving" me! I am honored! I look forward to getting to know you!
from cocoabean :
An interesting thing to try on Luke.. Next time he invites you out for a date, and then asks for money after you eat, tell him, "I thought this was a date, and I didn't bring any" and see what happens. I'll bet after that he will make things clear ahead of time.
from toiletwater :
oh, things sound good with smitten! i do love it when i'm wrong about things like that!
from casa-rosie :
Excellent job on the card for Smitten. I hate having to write notes, especially condolence notes, but I think you said exactly the right thing! As for the sugar thing, do you know, other than raw treaties with dates and nuts etc, I haven't had any sugary things for almost 8 weeks now! When I did that diet years ago, I found that I had to cut EVERYTHING out completely, because if I had even the smallest bit, it would be like a breach in a dam...WHOOSH! And I'd be eating treats all over again! So for me, it's cold turkey baby! Also, yes, this is a bit more expensive than I was used to, because I never ate outside the home, but you may find it to be LESS expensive than you are currently paying.
from casa-rosie :
Check out my other blog today, (link on my diary) I talk about the Yeast Connection, and how it can make otherwise strong people crave sugary things. You might want to read the book, or read stuff online and see if it resonates for you. As for Smitten, you are right, how terrible to not be able to reconcile before a parent dies! I would certainly send a card, even if you have to make an appropriate one yourself on your computer! I agree with Keith, that he sent you an email explaining stuff certainly says that he cares about how YOU are feeling, he didn't want you to think he had dropped off into thin air.
from narcissa :
i confess i can never bring myself to cut out the sugar and dairy: i'm feeling bad enough without taking away my remaining reasons to live. in any case, all better!
from starhearts :
the peguin suit comment reminded me of Steve telling me I can have a cat suit (as his cat gets TONS of affection and he figures I would like to be the cat sleeping with him all curled up on his chest most nights....sounds appealing anyways so we have that as a joke between us)...so what is Smitten's story behind the penguin suit LOL :) curious...cute!
from narcissa :
no dude, i did ask, it isn't TMI and i do want to know! i tried the garlic, not the tea tree... but also a tampon soaked in yogurt which was good to a point (soothing, good bacteria in the right place) but in the end it just wasn't enough. crossing fingers this is the end of it all.
from toiletwater :
hi there :) i just wanted to say that i agree with casa-rosie's note about being in love with being in love, and not adapting well when the 'butterflies' fade and things seem almost 'boring'. i definitely have that problem! i also wanted to say that i know its probably hard, and smitten probably does 'like' you, but really, if he's not showing you, or his actions (especially in the beginning when things are new and exciting) don't let you know this and leave you feeling unsatisfied and confused... then his behavior is most likely not going to change. i am the kind of girl who needs to feel loved and wanted and reassured, so I would not be ok with not being made to feel that way by someone i wanted to have a relationship with. so basically (to wind up this really long note!) i think you deserve to be with someone that lets you know without a doubt that they are interested in you. Hope you don't mind me throwing my opinion out there like that without really knowing you!
from casa-rosie :
Great entry! I loved your 6 choices, I found myself thinking, "Why didn't I use those!??" Good work on the Jimmy/Smitten thing, I think it indicated that maybe he's trying to play it cool too, but he's told Jimmy that he's more interested than he's letting on. I wonder if those of us who are in love with love have a hard time keeping a relationship because when it stops being the heady, "OMG, I'm in LOVE!" sort of thing, and tempers into the long term, quieter sort of relationship, we miss that feeling so much that we won't continue in a boring quiet relationship. Did that make any sense?
from narcissa :
i know..i know. i do. follow my heart. but it doesn't seem to tell me things as clearly as it used to.
from toiletwater :
yes good for you!! i agree with not pretending to be someone that you're not, it'll save you time and effort in the long run!
from narcissa :
well i hear you. and it probably will. but then.. what do i do? just keep traipsing around forever? i think i'm supposed to be finding that balance within or something similarly profound.
from girlkisses :
username is your d-land name. pw is gk
from toiletwater :
ooh, I love that book too!
from cocoabean :
some people just can't stand to see others in charge in a kitchen. Maybe her mother felt that way, and thought she needed to be there just to feel "in charge"
from starhearts :
"you give too much..." those words echo home too well tonight and something to think about. I think you have the leave them waiting and wanting more as a good model..certainly it saves from burn out or burn up for not getting their attention!!! Happy heart day Duck! C. :)
from starhearts :
That entry was nice :) I said awww at the end..very sweet. glad your trip so far is going ok too :) hope you enjoy the time C.
from theboxisback :
I know exactly what you mean about "moving on." I dated this amazing guy a few years ago. I was like putty in his hands. I probably would have done anything he asked me to do. Well, when things ended I wasn't really ready for them to. Since then, I've dated two people (once of which I dated for about a year), but I'm still not sure that I'm "over" him, whatever that means. He lives in New York now with his new girlfriend. He still pops up in my head from time to time. Sometimes I'll drive by his uncle's deli or bump in to one of his good friends and I can't help but think about him and our time together. I just don't think that's something you move on from. Maybe it's just something you keep close to heart and learn from. I don't know. I just thought I'd let you know that I feel like I relate.
from cocoabean :
Yeah, what Rosie said goes for me too! Friendship first!
from casa-rosie :
OK, I think Smitten is first of all a bit shy, but I think that we get used to having guys who want to jump right into bed with us, and when we find one who doesn't, it messes with our heads. I think Smitten is being wise, and establishing a friendship before he makes any sexual advances. I imagine he's been hurt by the whole jump into bed too soon thing, and I respect him for waiting. He sounds like a keeper, so go with the flow, and let things develop as they will, and as you are ready for them.
from cocoabean :
Of course we will miss you! I am liking the sound of Smitten more and more..
from starhearts :
Yep we will miss you & take your computer along LOL :) Vote #1 for Duck! :) hugs and glad to hear bethany is wonderful even if she can't pick out something called a salad (that was cute!)
from cocoabean :
It could be that Smitten is in the same place (or very close) to where you are..
from casa-rosie :
I discovered that vibrators can actually interfere with my ability to have an orgasm whilst having sex with a human, therefore I banned them from my life! It can be difficult to retrain yourself to go from automatic to manual, but worth the effort!
from casa-rosie :
Good for you! You really are getting things sorted out, and I am sure your feelings about M will work themselves out in time.
from starhearts :
Can understand cutting swing..what I thought he seemed like I was pretty far off from (guess that makes some sense as I never have met him lol)...oh well there are more fish in the sea so to speak but some people are a pain when they just don't follow through. Hard to know why. Can understand financial challenges...just keep plugging along paying bills this end and trying to balance the budget somehow. Keeping your own financial affairs rather then depending on someone else (ie my dead beat now ex) I find less stressful somehow. The money is either there or not but I am not begging someone for help anymore and not getting it... So independance has some challenges but some benefits too :) Hang in there! C.
from toastcrumbs :
http://www.surfthechannel.com/ - I had Dexter overload this weekend. The mega channel links only allow you to watch 72 minutes at a time, but the Chinese (??) links you can watch unlimited. There were just Chinese subtitles at the bottom of every episode. I also watched Lost as I can never get the abc.com player to work. Have fun!
from starhearts :
Thanks so much D. for the encouraging words!! I have been having an ok day today FINALLY...gosh I hope I can see more of these and they can keep building on each other as it is nice to stop dealing with crisis stuff and start feeling like I can breath again..hope to have that continue, but it depends some on the people who try to hit you below the belt and when they show up in life too...for today I have yet to run into one of them.. :) prayers it just stays that way and life keeps going. HUGS!! C.
from starhearts :
Good work on the idea of working on you and not worrying about men. I can understand that one and I have started again re-balancing my life out for what it is worth. Someday things will look pretty darn good, just have to get there :) C.
from starhearts :
hi duck. just and fyi John is gone via a police escort yesterday morning. No charges just a precaution to disengage one. Not fun.... C.
from starhearts :
That message was too cute..you are bright LOL I wish I could do that with Steve's sister Pat to break the ice but I am not good at that kind of stuff and intead have been just staying out of her way...hate it when people are angry with me..sheesh....but good work on Swing and glad he responded!!! :) That was funny and made me smile :)
from cocoabean :
Oh those text messages are just too clever! Reminds me of a story about a friend who sent random postcards....
from starhearts :
Aw now Red sounds soooo sweet :) Gee.... sure you will want to keep in touch no matter where he moves to! :)
from starhearts :
Hi Duck. I basically left a message for Steve last night that said that if he needed help financially if he had a run in with his sister over me that I am more then willing to deal with helping him financially and that together we would be just fine if he paid what he could and I helped out. So in other words I gave him an option. His life plan he does not know at this point. He knows his job is done in April if not before. He knows that he may or may not be able to keep his house if that happens...if it was me it would be on paper by now so that I did know if I was ok or not ok. In his family I don't fit at this point. And I will know about my job this week I think on Friday. So when I know where I stand with work then I can move from there. If I am solid anough to stay with the diocese then I will be asking John to move out, filing divorce papers and asking Steve to be my life partner. Does that fit his life plan..well I would say it never would have in the past, but at this point he is looking at having to develop a new one and the question is...do you want to live with me or do you want to live in your mom's basement if things get rough anough financially in the end...he has a choice here and likely other options also. We talked last night about flight and fight responses because I am afraid that if they come after him again about me then he will shut down and shut me out. He instead told me of a few times when he had to actually stand up for something he really wanted to do in his life and he said no he was doing what he wanted to and he did it. And the reasons he did that were to know that he could stand up as a adult and not some 16 year old kid. So he went to the Ukraine to meet some girl he met online that he thought he wanted to know...the family FLIPPED. He came back fine and he knows that. So the trip might not have been the brightest, but he did what he wanted to do. What I have not got then is the link between how he feels about me, what he wants for a future if anything and then where we go from here. I do know that in my personal and work life I am now looking conciously at no more pressure cooker situations that I have to deal with at this particular point in time. Fridays meeting with work will be one and I am going to actively use my voice to disengage the impact of that for medical reason..in other word, tell me what you want to tell me but I need to see the complaints letter first and know the contents to process it to respond to them rather then be put under more pressure and then they get a reaction and I end off work...no more of that garbage....had more then my share from them on those kind of things. Anyways..so..Steve needs to decided where I fit in his life or don't. I asked him how long I had to date him to replace the carpet in his livingroom with my paying for it... he did not answer other then to say he was not sure he if he would own the house or not...that told me things are tenuious at best in where his mental state is on his financial picture...he really has not sat down to know and until he does that he can't make choices. Not sure if I can do that with him as his sister has his financial picture now and was going to do that with him. The sooner the better maybe for him to know that likely while he has unemployment insurance he would be ok, but he would have to re-train in that time and find work...maybe 45 weeks or so..?? Sorry..long note :)..small book...hugs
from starhearts :
NOW that has to be the most honest entry I have read on d-land yet LOL TOO CUTE :) I am still actually smiling. I like your therapist's idea of actually breaking the pattern of missing M and being caught in that by taking a step to contact him. I know you have wanted to do that for a while...and I can imagine how hard that is to do in reality.... something maybe to think about anyways...C.
from starhearts :
I would be SO NOT impressed with Swings answer. Keep going....I hate jerks. Pretty obvious that there are lot better then that ...odd as I thought from what you first wrote that he was actually nice...shakes head..hum. C.
from starhearts :
Ever thought that maybe Red gets defensive because you dwell on talking about M who is in the past while he likes you and is in your present...just a though...it may subconciously be processing on his end that there is some underlying jealousy there or some feelings for you that he is not realizing or not ready to admit to you or to himself. A hypothesis only :) C.
from starhearts :
2) How much have you changed since I started reading? Well you have let go some of M as much as you still mention him it is no longer an every other entry kind of thinking so something has changed there somewhat. You are still in therapy and struggle with that but somehow that struggle is a growth process so it is not suprising you dislike some of it...that makes sense to me actually. You have some new male interests and seem to have no problem finding guys who like you....I can't imaging keeping up with your social schedule. Right now you are under the weather and self evaluating at this point we all know is never accurate so hang in there that is for sure as I think when you are physically feeling better you will be more back to yourself which is actually one bright cookie :) 3) Where will all this get you? I am hoping that you can think about your gifts and relationships and some of the things you do that make you happy and make a commitment to discovering and investing yourself more into those things. I think that as you do that your sense of where you are going in life shifts and that is a good thing. I think that depression is one of those things that our brain learns to start doing chemically without our choice and when it does it often anough them it goes on an automatic piolet of it own. So you are dealing with depression you are not yourself depressed...externalize the depression as something you are coping with and facing rather then it becoming you. It will change your approach to facing it and making other choices. But again time to feel physically better will obviously in this case help your mental state that is for certain. Otherwise, TREAT YOURSELF WELL....it is ok to be resting, it is ok to be sick, and it is ok to heal and in time feel more energetic and more like your old self. I think you have come far further then you realize and more then that you are maintaining your life so that is a success in and of itself, you are doing well at your work (often I still wonder what that is as it must be engaging that is for certain) and overall I am reading still because I like what I see and I learn from it... I have two degrees and am working on my third and have learned from you so you are definitely doing something right :) Thanks duck C.
from starhearts :
Now I have to say I am impressed by the depth of the questions you are asking..most would not have the insight to even know what they needed to evaluate at this point..Congrads on that I am impressed. 1) Since reading you have been working hard at work. Faced some financial struggles and got through them and still survived which is good. You have a alot of female and male friends which keep you socially out of the apartment you live in and that is healthy as something to do. I miss hearing about Red these days as you were very close to him at one point so he must still be around somewhere. You can evaluate your friendships as healthy and unhealthy relationships and still be in them without terminating them so you must be capable of some tolarance and compassion and insight that allows people to be as wonderful or as disfunctional as they need to be, but you can see it and name it for what it is. That is very helpful as a tool to have that kind of insight. Ok....now I have to go back and read questions two and three :) Hugs ! c.
from starhearts :
hum...that is an interesting thought and yes Broken is far different..scratches head this end...something new to think about and thanks for the perspective. And yes having absolutely no contact with Steve SUCKS and more then that it has put him now in a family isolated again which is not a safe place for him to be and he is mentally not in a good space..to be honest from what he said when he was here last time he is a danger to himself. AND his sister now who thinks she knows everything does not know that he has a suicidal plan in place if she or her mom continue to push him to the point he cannot cope and he is one step away from that space....I am scared silly for him. And his sister is an ass...one very stupid woman with a ton of money who thinks she knows it all. I hope her actions don't cost her her brother's life...last time he came to me. Next time we may no be so lucky. The only thing I can say is that when he came here to tell me he saw me in full tears and he knows now just how much he means to me...if he can hold onto that I hope it might be anough....it is one sad and lonely place to be that is for certain. thanks for the note...C.
from starhearts :
I think it does make sense. I find that people that are able to be broken and need friends and need care have alot more depth and value then the "I have money, look at me" people who think that they can buy others and everything else they want...I hate their power tripping and have no use for them really. Given me someone needing apathy, caring, concern and encouragement anyday..at least they are real. C.
from starhearts :
Ah it reminds me of As the World Turns :) So many interested and so little time.... but seriously I do hope you are feeling some better. I get ear stuff sometimes, often water in them and I got new drops from the drug store that dry them right out so I can feel ok and not feel underwater so to speak..they are wonderful things. Swimmers use them for swimmers ear and my guess is they would dry up your clogged in feeling in your head..they are also very cheap :) Anyways hope your holiday with your parents went ok. I just am back from a day with mine and looking now at life too... it is going to get better I can see it somehow I think. hugs! C.
from cocoabean :
well a thirty something guy who is using you for a place to hang out is not what I would be looking for in a guy....
from cocoabean :
I wouldn't say you are toying with anyone, its not like you are promising anything you don't intend to deliver....
from casa-rosie :
OOOHHH! An EGTAM! I want to be an EGTAM! I never toy with affections, I'm always the one who gets my affections toyed with. Maybe it's time for a change for us!
from starhearts :
Aw Duck you sound really under the weather! I am amazed that you have the energy to connect with all the guys and work and breath given your entries. I sure hope you can shake it all before Christmas and that in the end feel like life is back to being less stuffed up! Hugs and tc of yourself (which you sound like you are doing well at :) Merry xmas Duck C.
from casa-rosie :
I've heard that putting Vicks on your feet, then putting on a pair of socks helps with the cough thing. Just a suggestion!
from starhearts :
You got it with Swing I am impressed...Steve said he would like to "ask my dad to take me out" and to thank him for making me as it has made his life easier to live.... there are NICE guys out there!!!!!! HURRAY!!!!! :) C.
from cocoabean :
Yea you sure don't need to start anything with AG because that would just be trouble all around. Take it easy and get to know the other guys, maybe something will develop!
from starhearts :
Hi duck! WOW! My vote is Swing I like and see volumes in his text message...alot of respect there and genuine class. He gets an A. C. :) :) :) ps. I found someone finally who treats me like gold and I think in the end when we get it all sorted out that stars are looking to be showing up in the future..right now I have no idea how but it is just one of those things you can see in volumes...strange eh.
from casa-rosie :
Well done! I like erections too, very much, and they have been very limited of late. See? Very, very difficult to embarrass me!
from casa-rosie :
OK! You just bought yourself a vowel! The lovely letter "E" is waiting for you to lavish attention upon it! Enjoy!
from casa-rosie :
Hey there, followed you from wise notes made on another diary. Hope you don't mind if I come in and stay a while?
from sparkspark :
Those hovering hats are tempting... maybe one of each?
from starhearts :
The party you mentioned from Elliot's FB entry has me saying YUCK!!!!! RUN....no thanks (gosh I sound like a prude, I am not nearly that but something in me just reacted to that one...maybe a reminder of John and his friends made me crawl in my skin from that thought of free for all sex stuff...not for me....
from cocoabean :
Do you think Elliot was lying about being at that party?
from starhearts :
I will try the pros & cons list idea. I really just don't understand why he is here actually. He can laugh and enjoy life with others but when he comes home he is tired and just distant. We do spend alot of time together but we just don't "click" if that makes any sense. I keep saying things like "when can we spend time together" and he doesn't understand that as we are together everyday, but it is the kind of time I think that I am meaning subconciously. Not sure if that makes sense but I think we could do better then we are and need to work on these things. I think marriage councilling is the only thing that will make a dint but when we do marriage councilling our relationship tends to then get worse and not better...it is strange. It is likely that it starts changing the system we work within and that upsets everyone. Not sure where to go from here. Individual councilling is just so much easier and seems to make more sense somehow...odd.
from starhearts :
since john left i lost 50 pds...since he has been back I gained over 20 pds back....depression makes you change your eating habits or not care maybe it seems at least on this end. I am glad though that you are getting out with friends as that is so important and you have so many of them it is a wonderful thing that they are there to spend time with. I am trying to start to do a bit more of that but not finding the time or energy. hopefully that changes. so good work on getting out! C.
from starhearts :
denial in grieving is likely where the hope of his coming back had you held for a while... it makes sense. having a hole in your heart that misses him and what use to be is a sad place to live in...be good to and gentle with yourself the next little while reaching out to people who care even if they don't understand they love you and having that support somehow can make a difference hug c.
from starhearts :
sounds not to good with red and wonder why he would do that to you??? Have to question business collegues with those kind of ethics when they are suppose to be a friend as well....that is a hurtful one! Thanks for your note and councilling with John is over we are not in marriage councilling anymore. My doc says that he is going through some kind of mid-life crisis from his age...that was his general oppionion having never met him. Last week I said John is moving in...now I wonder having had him move 99.9% of his stuff home that he would do this behind my back yet again underminding my marriage with him. He will keep his friends. I don't want them in our marriage or my life so I guess given the history I am left to "do what I need to do" (his words)...which means I think I actually need to walk away. I came to my parents because I am not emotionally doing well and I don't need more crap in my life and John not only is not supportive in my dealing with depression he makes more crisises for me to deal with. He did not come to court when I had to go (we had a big fight over that one) and now this. Twice in a month and with the way i am feeling and now on new meds for depression I really don't see it in my best interest to have him as my husband. Having him leave as you can guess creates a whole new crisis, but in the end it will continue in this game of his and that is not healthy for me not only in the short run but also long term. Am I making any sense??? C.
from starhearts :
think I understand some what you are saying about still being in love with M and that Elliot is not someone to focus on (living with his ex is certainly a big issue I would put first on the top of the list of um not really available even if he says he is. curious about how to better deal with anxiety attacks. I stopped getting them for a while there but my guess is they will re-appear. They are pretty terrible when they show up and I hate the tight chest. Anything that makes even a dent in them that is not meds could be helpful. hope you are doing a bit better...nights, C.
from starhearts :
If I win the lottery I will let you know..otherwise I definitely understand the trying to make ends meet stuff. At least you are working on it and in time hopefully things improve. I know I do ok at it for a while, then slip, then fix it, then try again..same cycle different day. As far as sugar goes...yep meee tooo :) But I have a new commitment to at least trying to eat more veggies and fruit which is good as apples and pears are in season now here is are squash, etc. you dance class sounds neat btw! C.
from starhearts :
wow that is ALOT of money for therapy.... I have found help through the woman's center here that is government funded and then my phychiatrist is through OHIP our government health plan. I know if it was private I would not be able to go at all and I am greatful for having found these resources here as they are not available everywhere. But boy that amount of money each month would be pretty difficult to find to say the least. I wonder that every second week even would help out... I can see needing councilling but that is a high financial cost given that you have been off work some with the issues being dealt with in councilling. We have places that you can have councilling also on a sliding scale based on income so if your income is good it costs more but if it changes the the scale would also shift. There has to be some answers maybe to that one because you need hydro, rent, food, etc. those are the must haves to be ok period..that is a tough one to have to deal with but I am sure you will figure out what you need to do and move towards that choice. After all you are a bright lady :) Hugs!!! C.
from starhearts :
me too... hug C.
from starhearts :
He likely asked all the personal questions he didn't have the guts to ask in person to get to know you...obviously he is interested and is connecting with you or trying to ...I understand wanting to talk in person or even on the phone...maybe it would be good to just say in the first place..oh I don't use email often but feel free to give me a call ;) then they don't have your email and can't text you either I don't think and then they have to call or drop by to say hi :) CHEEKY SMILES...we can all wiggle out of some things we don't want if they are creative anough, then you just get to be your self in person and that might just do it! Hopefully...not guarenteed to be fail proof though lol Have a good day and smiles C.
from starhearts :
Hi Duck...just thinking about you and hoping you are ok. Sending you an extra hug C.
from starhearts :
A short after thought...what about the part of you that is caring, kind, able to be giving, understanding, compassionate, sensitive, genuine, honest, capable of loving and building good relationships that are substaining, and that passionate part of you...where does that part of you stand in the room? My guess is in the space that is 3 feet around any given point where your feet are located. Just an insight into who I have met here..... C.
from starhearts :
Hi Duck Sorry you are not feeling great and I hope that that breaks soon as you are special!!! I am reading about Logotherapy (meaning making) and the story of Viktor Frankl and his work...if you have some time do an internet search for him. He lived through the concentration camps and found why people despite all odds can survive and in the end build a life of happiness...they need to have a sense of purpose (a thing they need to accomplish or a person/people to care about in order to feel the future is worth having)...and if they don't have it they need to discover how to build and refind that purpose within themselves because that helps substain us as human beings so that we live lives that are hope fulled. It was a good read anyways and I know you have read some stuff over time that you have suggested to me so I thought I would share my journey these days. Most of all though I am sending you a HUG!!!! or TWO HUGS!!! C.
from catsoul :
Hi, I clicked on your name and read what you wrote. I also liked the little picture of the doll. Do you happen to know what doll she is? If you like dolls, you should look at the Dolfie dolls. =^..^=
from starhearts :
I have never had an avocado..interesting, something new to try and think about..um. Last night it was butternut squash baked with butter & maple syrup..(I know you don't eat sugar I think but I have to admit it was good). Sounds like your visit with your friends was a good thing and dinner out with other friends would be nice. You certainly know alot of people :)
from starhearts :
sounds like your phone message left for Alphie was very clear and positive. It did not take him apart at all...impressive really! Not sure I could have done the same :) Good Work!!! C.
from anthronut :
It's always nice when Therapy works and actually makes you feel better :).
from starhearts :
If we run away to some small town shopping district with a beack close by and take our lawn chairs and sun hats, towels and tents can we just live there forever and forget the rest of the world? I want to run away from home today...would anyone really notice? :) Maybe that would be a thought at least for tomorrow as life around here sucks too...... hugs C.
from anthronut :
Lol...men...when will they realize we don't want sex as much as them and that by saying stupid things like that will not get us to flirt back. He's lucky you were chatting online. You should have slapped him.
from starhearts :
I think I understand maybe? what you are saying..how do you re-invest your emotions and value of yourself back into your own life. The steps I will be taking are re-connecting with friends who will then ask NOT to talk about my ex. Re-focus my financial picture to the values I have and where I want to go for today and for the future. Live one day at a time making sure I do things that I LIKE TO DO and that make me feel happier...listening to music, getting out with friends, walking the dogs, visiting cities I have not been to in a while, anything that enriches ME. In the winter I will look at taking more courses, now I am continuing in councilling. Taking meds only when I really need them and taking the power and control I lost/gave away back and putting the focus on what do I need to do to be ok for me. It seems a bit large to look at it all at the moment but I have been here before now more then once and it is a road well travelled. Part of it is still reading and still learning how to go on. Thinking positive is very difficult for me but in the end that is what I need the most to end up happy with my life and be able to live on my own ok. I don't profess to have answers for you only that you might not be the only one searching to understand why??? and who keeps hoping life can become different then it presently is.....hug C.
from cocoabean :
Poolagirl used to dogsit Gabi, and still does if she has time... lately she hasn't had time. The other one is her sister's boss... Poolie can't do it because they have cats, and she's allergic to them. It's all who you know.... hahahha
from cocoabean :
live for yourself duck... do what YOU want!
from starhearts :
from experience most parents (particularly first time parents) often have this problem. They also don't take advice well and advice from non-parent friends they take even worse even with the advice is dead on unfortunately. I have no idea why other then they feel their world is their child and it is not a common conversation in general about children and how they grow up healthy it becomes a focus on 'thier' child and then it is a tender subject. Now not knowing your friends how they would personally react I can't even guess realistically. Children all develop at slightly different rates though too and their major formative years are under the age of 5 so it is important to gain a personal sense of how people communicate at a young age through modeling and normative boundries....just some basic thoughts...good luck!! C. :)
from starhearts :
I understand what you mean about Paul & M...they are different and as much as Paul is new, exciting, likely sexy (I am guessing) and adores you...he is not M. Went through this one with Steve & John..Steve was adorable, loved to be affectionate, articulate, attentive, emotionally available...sexy..and I just couldn't do it. And in the end when I chose between them I chose John...Mr. Well I Am Here so what I think of you must mean something right LOL....ya...but seriously, we connect to people for whatever reason and when we are hooked we are hooked somehow....love is a strange thing to understand. C.
from starhearts :
Glad to hear that Paul called you again :) looks like your text message suggestion really has paid off ;) Cute! Hope you can enjoy the wedding when you get there anyways and I am sure that she will appreciate the gift in either form cash or cheque! Not sure if there is an etique form of gift giving for that kind of thing...both of my weddings I was given both so I can't advise you officially lol :)
from starhearts :
your come back text was AMAZING and I have to admit I actually laughed and smiled reading it ..WAY TO GO! :) Still smiling this end...your one bright lady! C.
from girlkisses :
Fair enough. Sorry again for butting in. Good luck. :)
from girlkisses :
About the text...be careful that you not responding doesn't come off as you not being interested. Sadly, text messages are a safer way of contacting someone...I try to respond with something teasing "aw, come on, a text, won't even call me ;)" but that's me. Sorry for un-solicited advice. Glad to hear that your trip to see your sister went well.
from starhearts :
Hope you are doing ok.... :) C.
from starhearts :
I don't know but chocolate eclairs sound pretty darn good to me...Yum...do they air mail well :) LOL Glad you had a good visit with your sister regardless...good to get away :) C.
from anthronut :
Aww :(. Don't be so down on yourself. If there's one thing I learned, it's rather than compare yourself, enjoy the view, it really isn't every day you get to around really pretty ladies. And besides, if there was an award for personality, you'd surely be a top contender! AND! I have to share this story, so bare with me: Anyway, I'm doing pole dancing classes, and let me tell you, the instructor is possibly one of the most attractive women I've ever seen, but when I first met her, she was kind of ho-hum...but it was her personality that hooked me! I like...have my tongue wagging her direction every chance I get...But if it wasn't for her personality, so much of her good looks wouldn't really exist. I think a lot of women would benefit from realizing this...But I'm just as guilty of comparing and going nuts trying to look like something I never will; try as I might, I won't grow 4 inches and lose 23 lbs. Feel better Duckie!!!! :) :) :) :)
from starhearts :
Glad to hear that you are enjoying relaxing and feeling some better..that is a good thing to hear :) Family is important I always felt and I know as much as I have some problems in staying with mine they do actually care and that goes a long way in the end of things...bet your sister is wonderful like you are :) C.
from cocoabean :
people would need LOTS of drinks for me to sound good! haha
from starhearts :
Hanging out with your sister and family sounds like a positive :) Girlfriends are GREAT I have to share, without them I don't think life would be nearly as fun or supported...men just don't seem to get the need to connect like that for whatever reason. I have started to stop even trying to figure them out anymore ... So doing things you like to do with people who you can enjoy sounds terrific :) hugs! C.
from rose-phoenix :
I'm so glad you like it. I used the base template from RP Designs, but I changed the colors and uploaded the photo for you. I am going to add a few more features for you soon, i.e. comments feature from Haloscan and Buddylist install. Stay tuned
from cocoabean :
woot!!! very cool!
from starhearts :
Thanks Duck for the suggetions and I will tomorrow look up beating up some pillows for sure :) Right now it is a bit warm for that active but I have to get rid of these feelings somewhere.....hugs.C.
from rose-phoenix :
i have a template all set for you. I can email you the code to copy and paste or I can set it up for you, just send me an email with your password. love rose
from starhearts :
Duck..do you know how to help get rid of all the strong anger I am feeling? I need some help with ideas before I release it in bad ways...any thoughts??? I could use anything you know at this point....
from starhearts :
"I obviously pick the wrong people"...me too. :( why I have no idea but you know I think my friend Barb has said to me 100 million times now "what is wrong with just being by yourself and caring for yourself?"...not that she did a good job of that in then which has been tragic, but her words ring in my ears often. and I still answer I don't know but being by myself just somehow seems hard. As of John moving to Stratford yesterday though to his own apartment...being with him just became a lot harder mentally then it ever was without him. Depression..yep.. hug duck c.
from starhearts :
Well buying stuff, eating/cravings, whatever it is that we look to to feel better seems to have some aim at filling the longings we have to be safe, secure, happier and ok in life. Will a new pair of shoes hurt you? Not too likely....do you need them? And if not is there something you can buy that you do really need and say that is the treat instead? If you want to buy shoes then do what you need to do and sometimes when things are rough doing small things that will make you feel better is a good thing. My councillor told me that I needed to make a list of things I enjoy and start building them into the day to day of my weekly life so that over time I had things to look forward to, things to focus on and overall things I knew ahead of time I actually would enjoy. If shoes is on that list then ok, but then add other stuff in to and balance out the challenges with the positives. I did do it as a practice and I found it actually did work. Now if I could just get off of the emotional trip I go on with John when I want him back home and he just moved into his own apartment to cope while he sees if we can work out anything. I just think life sometimes is too hard. A friend of mine was in a serious car accident also and is critical....just adding prayers on after another this end....someday I only hope it will make any sense......C.
from anthronut :
Buying things doesn't make you happy...and if it does, it's very momentary. Also, retail therapy is never a good thing. But if you really want the shoes, I'd buy them, though not with the expectation that they'll make things better! I'm sorry to hear about your therapist being away...that's very rough. Hope you're well.
from starhearts :
Loved the notes about the gardening :) Our garden here is JUST PACKED full of flowers...they are so beautiful. a bit of heaven really and cover the whole front of the house lawn here from the front of the house to the sidewalks..John's favourite thing is gardent and this year it has grown beyond belief..sorry he will be here very little to none to see it though now (my fault). But I have never grown 4 o'clocks though I did buy some seed this year I did not end up putting it in the ground. The pots idea for gardening though I thought a bit about and it sparked my idea to use some of the huge pots here and add some more seeds :) I ran out of gardening room to be able to do that and still would love to see some little guys sprouting too. I have new morning glories John just planted and ran strings for this year..they will be beautiful with the grow. So far it had been really nice to sit with him out the front in the evening with the moonlight on the flowers...I truely ruined this summer by not handing my life well...I now realize it and regret that I just could not handle it all at once. Anyways..back to thoughts of gardens..thank you for the images and ideas..I needed something new to think about....C.
from starhearts :
I understand your thinking of need vs. love...though I think that if to love is to let John do what he needs to do even if that means not being with me...sorry but not willing to go there. I guess I am far to possessive in a relationship but my tolarnace at this point is still an all or nothing mentality..he is either in or out but can't be in and out and in and out..if that makes sense. I think you have a good handle on your feelings around M and I have thought that for a while now. have a great night! C.
from starhearts :
said a prayer for you that you will be lifted up and cared for by something greater then yourself that makes life better then it is and the journey clearer... then I said one for me :) Hugs...C.
from starhearts :
paying debt...ya I could do that forever and still feel I am not caught up LOL...but seriously you have to weigh your wants and your needs..which one is better for you? As for me..I am working on the debt stuff and trying to go on more walks with John (I don't do that well by myself at all)...but I need to rebuild a whole life again apart from him and I just finished doing that..I think you have hit the nail on the head when you said that we want men to be what we want them to be and they are not capable of it and then I know I fall into that trap and end up hurt and disappointed.
from rose-phoenix :
you are so incredibly self aware and introspective. what a powerful realization you made about your mother's attitude toward certain foods and your inability to permit yourself to enjoy them now in your adult life. i hope you can overcome this. they say that admitting something is the first step to recovery. at least you are aware of what's going on. now go into your refridgerator and prepare something delicious for yourself before the good stuff goes bad. you deserve the good stuff. speaking of which...would you like me to put together a new template for your diary?
from starhearts :
interesting dream going from chaos and violence to sentimental sweetness and new pathways and new ways of getting there.... wondered about the part of the violence is that M can't see you now as you struggle to get up but can't seem to find a way to release and stand up, unable to have control over the situation that is pushing you to the ground? I am not good at dream interpretation and the dreams I have had lately are violent or totally bizare. I would not even want to guess what they mean, I just long to sleep well through the nights and not remember anything to wake up refreshed. Call it avoidance, but my past life I use to sleep through every night and just loved it...longing to go back to that and just starting to begin to see some hope that that might be happening as I actually slept through last night. Let me know if you discover more as this dream interpretation stuff is actually interesting! :) HUGS! C.
from cocoabean :
la-the-sage had a good post a couple days ago about "getting your house in order" and that once you do that, it sets your life in order, and what you need most comes your way....
from starhearts :
Feel sorry for Steffy...been there, done that and still am. shakes head to self. Great to hear about the cleaning bee :) Very exciting and I am sure you must be proud of your accomplishments. I should clean around here more ....well....maybe I will be able to get to it more over the summer though I have to admit I would rather pack this house and move then clean it at the moment anyways...maybe someday work will move me. :) Anyways great you are feeling better and I have to agree eating healthy sounds great (long way to go back to that this end as I was but I stopped...likely would feel better if I started again and let go of the ice creme with peanuts and chocolate sauce as comfort food LOL) :) Have a great day! c.
from starhearts :
still trying to figure out what hypnotherapy is.... likely need to do a bit of reading to understand. I keep thinking meditation would be helpful except that how do you read a book on meditation and then meditate at the same time lol..doesn't work really. Ah well...I know that guided mediations work for me but again I have to have a tape or someone leading me through it...again not helpful without the right resources in place. Guess it is all still a work in progress this end. Though I am starting to wonder if it will always just be that way..working things out one thing at a time. Does sound like you are feeling a bit better though and that is terrific! :) C.
from starhearts :
well... good entry this time round :) The book I am reading is called Getting Back to Life when Grief Won't Heal. So far so good I think I am getting somewhere??? Still challenging and certainly less then easy...it is a long road ahead but one baby step at a time I figure if I can do that then I am not at least standing still or going backwards as often. Hugs for tonight :) C.
from cocoabean :
a lump that diminishes in size is a cyst, extremely low likelihood of cancer... hope that helps!
from starhearts :
Just finished reading the book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner a psycholgist..a classic really but excellent. And currently I am reading a book about living life when grief won't heal..it is excellent and when I have the book downstairs I will get you the title..it is extremely helpful, I think I have underlined half the book already it feels like and it has allowed me to take my grief stuff out of my own story and into others of complicated grief that is unresolved to I can move from looking and being caught in the emotional experience and bring in the intellectual so I am learning about grief rather then grieving grief..if that makes any sense and it has stretched me with some Ah ha moments where I think, hey I get that..it really has been tranforming FINALLY that and I got to the point where I finally realized John is doing what John will do, I can't stop him, but I can stop seeking my own balanced living that makes me healthy and gives me hope..and you were right about the pets issue they are great to come home to and I am keeping them at this point they are the only family I have that lives with me since everyone else CHOSE to leave..so WHY should I give them away for someoen who is not even necessarily coming back to live here? Besides they are a good stress release and someone to talk to in a huge empty house...Nikki my maltese sends her hello :) afterall who would take her in anyways she bites all strangers but adores anyone she actually knows and I don't want to put her down PERIOD...she needs to stay here with me :) besides I need that cuddle time too even if it is with the dog who is faithfully always non-judgemental and unconditionally loving. Don't know how I would have mananged the past 8 months alone without something in the house here to think about besides me.... Hugs Duckie sent your way :) C. (see earlier note and sorry for the long books here! lol :)
from starhearts :
Thanks Duckie I agree with you that it really is about negotiations at this point..problem solving really as until those are out of the way it is extremely hard to relax anough in my life to love me let alone anyone else and the energy that takes...hard to explain and sounds terrible but I want to garbage dealt with so I can go ahead so to speak and that is important whether or not John stays. I guess when he came back I cried and cried and cried because he would leave again and again and again and it just tore me apart because I loved him ...I have now come to realize that loving him means that he leaves and I get hurt, unfortunately at this point I am brused anough that I want the crap dealt with so I can get on with my life with or without him. I can't make him love me and right now he is so centered on learning to love and care for himself that I don't really fall into that world of his life. He still has huge walls up and our councillor did individual councilling which created self identification BUT forgot that those new identities with strong wills ACTUALLY NEED TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION IN A SHARED RELATIONSHIP... OOPS! And now we are no where even close to that. So...in individual counciling I am doing the "what about Christine" and agree that is helpful, but for marriage councilling we are at minus zero even to begin at this point and need to do the work with someone who actually knows what they are doing....sigh. So..here we are thinking about starting out. If John ever gets to the point of actually moving home I will be suprised, as much as I have made the offer to have him return and work out a real marriage as a loving "us". prayers....and i will keep trying to remember what about Christine as I can't loose me in all this stuff either.... AA today was good for that journeying learning stuff actually. HUGS! C.
from starhearts :
I understand the M stuff I think that you are talkking about as I wonder that men in general are just so different then us that they are an entirely different species lol.... Really John is drowning in his own issues and bring them with him every time we meet and he comes, meets his needs and he leaves to "cope". Women are just not like this.... I love Nick's comments that "BIG LOVE IS ON THE WAY " :) that is hopeful and somehow deeply inspiring and helpful in my mind. So thanks.... C.
from starhearts :
Lif ehas to get better Right? YES It does really...having hit rock bottom last week and my ex still not getting it and playing games, I have to take the steps to take care of me. Tears hurt but in the end grief is something to be worked through as I understand it. right now just figuring out what I really want now that I have figured out I need to take care of me and leave John to be as disfunctional and uncaring as he wants to be...I need to have more then that in my life and I deserve it...take care of yourself hugs..your insights help me and you are a very smart woman! C.
from starhearts :
glad for the wisdom of these quotes... C.
from cocoabean :
wait until a week after your period. If it came up fast, and moves around, it is likely a cyst and nothing to worry about.
from girlkisses :
If it will make you feel better knowing that she knows how you feel, and if you can accept that she may not take it the way you wanted her to and that things may not change, then send it. I would send it simply because it would make me feel better knowing that I had said my peace, and she knew how I felt. It may not fix things, or even change things between you, but at least you'll have gotten your feelings out and sometimes, that's the most liberating thing anyway.
from anthronut :
I wanted to say hello! I hope I'm not supposed to know you...because I've read through several entries and I can't place you! Anyway, I've enjoyed reading your stuff!!! And in regard to your letter (for what it's worth coming from me) I would sit on the letter for a bit before sending it. If after a week you still feel that strongly, then I think you should, but it seems there is the potential for regret if you give it to her and you don't feel so strongly about it later. And I'm not trying to say that you didn't make some very good points and your opinion totally counts and your sister SHOULD understand...but, for your sake, your sake alone, I would hold off. Just for a while. People don't like to hear criticisms of themselves, and don't always react the way you expect. My husband sent a letter to his mom not that long ago trying to explain some hard things (with nothing but good intentions) and she freaked out!!! Then he felt awful for a while after...Idk. It's a tough situation. I'm getting off my soap box now. Sorry and I hope you're well.
from rose-phoenix :
who cares about shoes when you have a lump. i had a lump also and it was nothing, so don't get worried sick. you are right to wait until after period. let me know how that goes.
from starhearts :
BOY I can't spell...LOL try meditation ...stuff...intriging (sp?)..you would think it was a late night or something LOL sorry can't type either this end at the moment :) Smiles... C.
from starhearts :
The medication stuf you are reading about what should be being in conflict with what is sounds facinating really...mind if I steal that to quote as I want to think about it a bit more?..something in it makes sense regarding the unsettlement of life....go figure...intreging really... :)
from sparkspark :
Sweet dreams to you, Ms. Duck. XOX Violet
from starhearts :
Oh well I was way off but everyone is different. Not eating sugar and not drinking milk..wow..you must be in great shape is my guess. I have worked hard at not living on junk food but I do have to admit that I am slipping backwards fast on that concept. Let me know if there are any good romantic comedies or comedies that you have watched lately? Looking for something new to keep me busy in healthier ways :) positive time fillers is the aim at this point.... hope youhave a good day!!!
from starhearts :
HI Duck Just thinking of you and sending positive fuzzy thoughts your way...not sleeping is rough, love warm milk with a bit of carmel syrup (from starbucks) before heading of to read in bed with my favourite pillow has been my best reciepe so far when life has been bumpy and sleeping a challege..seemed to work, next option was to cuddle up on the couch watching a good movie and sleeping with the tv on so I was not alone...felt safe somehow in a smaller space like the couch as I was use to sleeping with someone so the back of the couch made me feel closer and less stressed. HUGS! C.
from starhearts :
Aww duck I know how you feel..or at least I think I do. Women friends are normally more warm and caring from my expience and they like to talk feelings... Hugs hun...and being in your pjs sometimes to relax is a safe place and you know that sometimes that is just ok...you will get there, you have been and every 24 hours is a new chance...just deal a day at a time ...Hugs again, C.
from chaosdaily :
awww you won't be alone.... you'll have us!!
from starhearts :
ty for the note...I just find that living alone is far too lonely. Even with great friends, alot of social events, interests, etc. and good contact with family, I have lived on my own for 6 months now and I jus really don't like it as much as I am doing it...if tha tmakes sense. Part of that is that I want to be with someone I can't be with..and part of it is the at I never get adjusted to being with the kids when they drpe back into life for 2 or 3 days and then leave for 10 or more. It is just not an ideal life at this point. So I am doing it...but...anyways I don't know what the answer is? I do agree that not continuing negative relationship patterns is important though....very.
from chaosdaily :
I know how you feel about dressing nice and still feeling like you are an imposter. I guess you can overcome that, even if you have to pretend to be confident at first. I think eventually your pretense will be so automatic that it will seem real, even to you!
from starhearts :
sometimes I wonder if loving him will ever go away or if I will just learn to live with that loss and in time survive it? Right now I am back to living in the fear I know he will go again and soon. you have done far better at the beginnings of leting go...I envy you really as much as that is strange to say. C. ps. enjoy the new hair and new shoes (minus breaking them in)..it is a great way to start feeling better in general! :)
from rose-phoenix :
duck, i am also off the sugar and feel fantastic. i love your orange imagery and i am sorry for your painful past. love rose
from starhearts :
Why is it that men who have women in their lives that can and will give them everything, don't realize how lucky they are? I wonder if they need to feel they have to work to get treated well to gain someone's attention and when it is just given to them they don't get that rush of the chase??? I am still trying to figure out my ex... councilor said I gave him everything and it that I did all the work in our relationship and that I needed to stop doing that...still don't really get it. Your description though sounds like you were wonderful to him! I am sure there will be someone that gets spoiled like that who will JUST LOVE IT! HECK!!! :) C.
from starhearts :
YES LIFE WILL GET BETTER...one day at a time plan in something that you enjoy doing just because you enjoy doing it!!! You can do it! I know you can do it! If nothing else have a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing and vanilla ice creme and say to yourself LIFE IS NOT THAT BAD, I WILL BE OK...DARN IT THIS IS GOOD STUFF :) and the next day remember it as being a good day if nothing else but because you treated yourself to something neat! Simple but heck now I am hungry LOL HUGS C.
from chaosdaily :
Don't do it! Go out for a walk and sit in the park, but don't look for trouble!!
from chaosdaily :
thats the first rule of breaking the law... look like you are SUPPOSED to be doing it!
from starhearts :
Loved the bubble bath memory...I think that finding someone special and teaching them these small treats can bring new meaning to the words playtime and romance... :) It will be a while before I find that special someone but thanks for the journey as somehow it shared some hope this end that the future can be ok in time, as sweet as the past sometimes is...if that makes any sense...somehow this end it does. hug and enjoy the dvd watching sounds GREAT!
from starhearts :
The councilling session sounded interesting for imagry and having your therapist hold your feet was unique...boy, we only talk about things like how to build healthy boundries and decluterizing my house and my life...very different not nearly as imaginative. Good work at making connections.. :) have a good day!!! and smile. Thinking of you C.
from rose-phoenix :
it really breaks my heart to see you beat yourself up so much. have you read "a new earth" by eckhert tolle? i'm reading it now and it's DEEP. love rose
from starhearts :
just thinking of you :) hugs tc
from oldmaid :
thanks for the note - things are hard right now, but i'm hanging in there!
from chaosdaily :
its that old saying, it takes two to tango. If you won't fight with Louie, there's no fight, is there?
from starhearts :
Just thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better!!! Virtual flowers thoughts sent your way...take care of you!!! :) C.
from starhearts :
Sorry I have not written lately...life has been too full, in my head and in getting things sorted out. I hope your training course goes well. I read your entry about your therapist's session and issues and it seems strange she was not wanting you to deal with grief until your dealt with anger...um...but anger is one stage of the grieving process, so why did she seperate them out and not connect the two??? Confused about that one...Elizabeth Kubler-Ross basic stages of grief....very primary stuff but foundational and basic building blocks to the formation of experiencing grief stuff. In any case, hopefully you can just keep working on it with her and she will get it and be helpful. Some sessions are always better then others, so I often chalk mine up to well it was a good connection, or maybe next time will be more helpful. Relationship development is long term regardless, so one session either way is relative to the whole I guess. Well I have to go, councilling is next on todays list of to-do's...have a great weekend and chat soon I hope :) HUGS!! Christine
from starhearts :
You must have been pretty tired out..dreams can be disruptive though. Hopefully tonight is a better night anyways and life will work out soon. :) Happy Spring regardless and Enjoy the Flowers!!!!
from starhearts :
Hi Ya, I am finally just catching up on reading...what a week. Anyways, I am so sorry to hear about your not being able to go and see Keith, as the holiday would have been good! Goodness knows we all need some time away!!!! Anyways chin up and smile, the sun is out, the spring flowers are in bloom (at least they are here) and we all need something positive to think about after the long winter. Take care of you!!! HUGS! C.
from starhearts :
your connections at the conference sound wonderful. I have found that even just dating other guys for the sake of dating has broken the bond to Wilf better then any thing else and made me realize I am attractive. I liked your statement that wen you don't need to date then you are ready... I think not only am I there but the whole idea of dating feels like it is tying me down from the things that I just love doing. I am all for dating but not being serious or maybe even exculive at this point, except I have someone now who I can't seem to keep away from me (i think that is how you put it...)...he is just way to NICE to want to even begin to hurt him...not sure if I can handle it long term, but for now it is at least nice company...though I know he wants more then that I am not sure I can do it...see entry to explain. Jus tto let you know that your insights for this entry were excellent! you will meet someone unique and special, just you wait...and you will wonder what ever hit you. As Wilf said once, take the time and look for the sweetest most lushious, perfect strawberry in the patch, the one you just cannot do without and pick that one. Hugs...C.
from chaosdaily :
yeah, hooray for you!
from chaosdaily :
You go, girl!
from starhearts :
Holidays can be helpful sometimes I think... when I get away just to even go see family I come back feeling I have had a big breath of fresh air. Just to have seen something different is good! Financial issues cause alot of my decissions these days, but I am getting highlights in my hair tomorrow..I can't totally stop living as much as things are REALLY tough...so do something good, whether it is to go visit Keith or something that will be helpful! I would love to take a few days away again...escapism...sounds WONDERFUL! Hugs! C.
from girlkisses :
I liked Sapphic Liasons 2. My favorite ever is Justine by Andrew Blake, but it's a little kinky and very, very little penetration (like one scene with a glass dildo). Andrew Blake and some Marty Zion stuff though made up a lot of my cupboard before my ex got all the porn. Thanks for the add by the way.
from chaosdaily :
hey go for it! At least you can have some fun with Don.... fun might be just what you need!
from chaosdaily :
Do you think M has his head together? If not, those other women won't be sticking around.....
from rose-phoenix :
you will have better days. try not to focus on past or future....the only moment that truly exists is the present. the past will make you crazy! you deserve happiness... M could not give that to you. love rose
from chaosdaily :
Well, Duck, if it was me, I would take his stuff, meet him, and be as cool toward him as you can manage. Don't let him see you angry or upset, just give him his stuff, and leave. Make him think he just doesn't matter any more, and if he calls, or emails, make him wait a day or two for a response, and then act like you just don't care...
from starhearts :
thanks for the note :) If I start to read through my diary though for patterns I will be reading for months I think..can you give me some hints? LOL Seriously though I don't re-read almost ever because I find it brings up alot of pain stuff with him, my ex and my kids who have now moved out..I don't revisit that stuff well so I avoid it by putting it here and moving on every day. But you are right, I need to know the patterns... and that will help me. I just don't know if I am strong anough to face re-reading to find them, if that makes any sense? Right now I am back from day 5 at the gym and BOY DO I HURT LOL :) Have a great day!!!
from starhearts :
Do some things that are NICE FOR YOU this next few days. Guys are sometimes self centered when they go about "discovering themselves again" and they throw away their boundries because of this new felt "freedom" they now have..and they don't always do it in healthy ways either or make good solid choices at all from what I have seen. ie. my ex who thinks telling me to be "honest" that he is now sleeping with the couple he is living with..was knowing this helpful to ME? NO!!!!! (but I asked the questions.... and now I wish I hadn't have.) I would have been better off not having seen him at all then know that information now as I carry it around with ME...it sucked. M is not John, but he is living his life I guess is what I am thinking. How best are you going back to living yours to care for you? Meet him if you feel you need or want to, I just hope you take care of YOU because in the end that is the most important regardless of the choice you make. You need to be ok.... and from your past entries I know you have been and can be and will be :) HUGS Duck!!!! Hang in there!!!!! C.
from starhearts :
You are right on your path to finding the ME in life. My councillor actually talked about that today and said that when you try to use all your energy to figure him out, then you stop working on YOU. She said when you get into that mode and spin yourself in circles mentally, take 4-5 big very deep long breaths to calm yourself down and then think "What About Christine (add your own name instead)" "Take Care of Yourself" was the other optional mantra we came up with. So that the focus is on YOU, not him and his needs, but what do you need... what will be things you can discover that make you happy. And in doing this shift you take the power from him and give it to yourself for the care of you. It made sense in there somehow.... not sure how it will work, but she did suggest that before I ever answer another email, msn or phone call from him that I seriously take this process to heart and do it BEFORE I act so that my head is clearer. Will let you know how it goes..... But YEP focus on YOU your well worth it :) Hug!
from starhearts :
Back to day one...you were right. Thanks for your honesty here in your diary...I am still learning alot as you share your journey. I still feel like I haven't ever gotten the time to get my feet underneath me even yet. Maybe this time. C.
from chaosdaily :
eventually you will get there!
from starhearts :
Doing things to love you is always worth the efforts :) and you will feel better over time the more you do it (learned this one the hard way but doing better at it!) Congrads on learning how to eat better..I am re-learning that one too. Have to say eating fruit is no hardship but the veggies are a challenge lol. Anyways thanks for letting me read along...I always learn something it seems! C.
from rose-phoenix :
hey duck, thank you for always being there for me...love rose
from chaosdaily :
Hey, you're ok!!
from starhearts :
Great to be taking a class! You didn't tell us the topic of the course though? I LOVE learning and I know it is so neat to grow and discover new things. It is one of my newer goals though I have not even began to figure out what kind of course I want to take yet, I know I need to stretch again... life long learning I think is what it falls under :) GOOD FOR YOU!! ps... the Russel thing is pretty cool...yep it is certainly nice to sleep with someone you happen to like!
from starhearts :
Congrads on the new date! Nice to get out and see a new part of the world and have something new to think about. Good for you!!! :) C.
from chaosdaily :
M will have the same issues no matter who he dates, so I wouldn't let that bother me. I finished "Codpendent No More" and if you want it, I'll send it to you...
from starhearts :
Might be that you were relating adult to child in caretaking for him and it likely feels strange that he wants now to deal adult to adult (only some guess from some councillor but somehow it made sense at the time). Thanks for the insights into co-dependency stuff and feeling. Reading your diary helps me to understand...it really does. thanks duck!
from starhearts :
Congrats at saying you feel like you have found some peace! How long did it take? (hoping I can take a short cut to finding mine :) But now FINALLY on the right track..he walked again and my new word is FREEDOM :) HUGS!
from rose-phoenix :
Thank you duck!
from starhearts :
Letting go of someone you love is REALLY hard..and takes time. Tears are part of that so I am sending you a HUG and know that there are people who care just like your friend Keith and others. You will meet the right one someday and in the meantime learning to love yourself is an ok thing to do. I am sure you have given me some great advice on how to start doing that that I have been taking to heart. take care of yourself!!!! thinking of you..C.
from starhearts :
AWWWW that poem is SO NICE!! Made me smile :) C.
from starhearts :
But M. did call you!!! He was thinking about you and made that effort to reconnect to see how you are. He said he missed you by calling and that your important anough to him that he wanted to connect with you...that is HUGE! Hug yourself and say, HEY HE STILL CARES ANOUGH TO CALL MEEEEE!!!! look in the mirror and know that someone out there thinks you are SPECIAL and SMILE DAMN IT ;) you will be ok, honest you will. C.
from chaosdaily :
sent you an email....
from chaosdaily :
The only way you would have been responsible for someone else's laptop would be if you had been using it. The nerve! I'm glad M called you, at least now you know how he feels..
from sparkspark :
Hey, miss! I have a love/hate relationship with the laundromat. Have you seen John Waters' movie, "Pecker"? XOX
from starhearts :
HEY Duck! Just a note to say I am thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok! Look in the mirror and say HEY God Doesn't Make Mistakes!!!...I AM ME and I AM GREAT! Because You are you and terrific, and besides my mom's advice is never wrong :o) I enjoy your diary and HUGS! C.
from starhearts :
Hey I do go to a dietian and she had some good suggestions..gave me a tiny book to write down every day what I eat and then try to keep track to add the right things into the day..my challenge is I have no appetite this week so I have been eating very little. But writing it down does help. Also reading the Canadian food Guide then trying to build meals, the biggest thing is to eat as an adventure/treating yourself well, ENJOY IT don't just do it because you have to but be creative about meals so you look forward to it. I have a new hobbie these days of reading cookbooks from the library just for fun and it REALLY HELPS! Just some thoughts as I know it is tough to eat alone and keep balanced HUGS! :) C.
from starhearts :
Codependancy..yep have that too darn it! But I am going to learn how to deal with it and now before I fall into more garbage. No More Bad Relationships thanks, life is messy anough now!Not sleeping...yep that too this end and I keep seeing 3 am and wishing otherwise...what kinds of visuals will help??? Got me interested in that one as THAT would be USEFUL!!!! So far I use breathing excercises to calm down and prayers to recite but visuals would be helpful I think. Thanks for the suggestion on the book too! C.
from chaosdaily :
someone just sent me a book on codependency...
from sparkspark :
I love getting stuff to store on the boat! :)
from starhearts :
Thanks for the note on d-land! I tried to figure out how to leave you one too but alas I think that the only way to do it is through an email. Thanks for the insites you worte today on your page, I learned something. I re-committed to cleaning up my life and my garbage to be able to know what a healthy relationship is and to stop the unhealthy ones I get into. I managed to become addicted to this guy who was abusive and a control freak, which is why I am having such a hard time getting over him. It is best he is out of my life, I just need to learn anough about how to live better to keep him and others like him away from me. The idea of therapy is a great one and I am workin on it, started a few weeks back but got really started this past week... I just hope I can learn to be healthier. I like the idea of meditation and wondered if you had time if you could write some about what you do? It might be helpful. I am religious but the sense of finding some sort of way to relax and an inner peace is greatly needed this end. THANKS for reading along and thanks for the new note of encouragement! :) starhearts/C.
from sparkspark :
<3 to you, Ms Duck. Happy Valentine's Day and a hundred years of happiness. And yes: sometimes it does get crowded on the boat. It's a constant cycle of acquire and donate. It's kind of fun, actually. XOXOX Violet
from rose-phoenix :
thank you!
from chaosdaily :
yeah, dland has been a bit slow lately.....
from starhearts :
Hey Hi Duck :) Love the name :) Thanks for the note about the cable, I am working on soon trying out an antenna for the tv to see if that might work out to be anough. My husband and I split a few months ago and now my finances are a mess (doing ok JUST) is the reason for the cable issue. Anyways thanks for giving me a nudge of hope I might be ok.... even in the small decisions some of these things are kinda scary at first..sounds strange but I hate big changes and need to make some along the way.... TAKE CARE :) and keep in touch if you have time! Christine/starhearts
from chaosdaily :
wow
from chaosdaily :
it might help to do something symbolic... throw away something he liked, or something like that. then you can throw away your feelings at the same time. well, it might work...
from chaosdaily :
yeah, for sure. use some protection! does she have a brain?????
from chaosdaily :
you ARE amazing, and don't forget that!!!
from chaosdaily :
you ARE
from chaosdaily :
finally all caught up! glad you are hanging in there, sounds like you are doing the right thing!
from chaosdaily :
welcome back! I see I have some catching up to do!! and happy new year!
from sparkspark :
Big love to you, Ms. Duck, on this New Year's Eve. May all your most brilliant wishes come true. XOXO Violet
from toastcrumbs :
Maybe you are just craving reruns of The Cosby Show? :P Have a wonderful holiday!!!
from sparkspark :
Hey, you! You are so not even close to stalking me, so no worries! I am feeling much better since the "bursting into song." Thank you for asking. XO Violet
from sparkspark :
Of COURSE you are likeable and loveable. And you're right--this is a different guy. I wish you the best in sorting it all out, and to feel better, too. XOXO Violet
from sparkspark :
Hi, Miss--thinking of you and wishing you well. XOXO Violet
from toastcrumbs :
Glad to have you back! And because I am curious, what is it you do for a living? I am fascinated because I have a bor-ing job, and also you talk about renting rooms and giving presentations, and . . . I'm so curious to know. Unless you don't want to say, in which case, hmmmph. I'll try and find a way to get over it. . . . sorry, I'm rambling today it seems.
from sparkspark :
Hey, you! I'm glad things are going well. XO Violet
from toastcrumbs :
Hi Duck! You are missed here at diaryland . . . you can't still be on vacation! I demand that you come back to write an entry . . . please??? Hope all is well with you. Take care.
from sparkspark :
You're in!
from sparkspark :
Hey, there! Glad to hear from you. Have a lovely holiday, and I'll catch you in the new year. I look forward to reading about your adventures. XOXO Violet
from chaosdaily :
welcome back duck! good to have no expectations with don.. then you arent disappointed. maybe he likes the differences between you and the other woman... you should have listened longer! lol
from namastesakhi :
could you please take me off your favorites list? and then could you erase this note as well? thanks :)
from sparkspark :
Take the battery out, write down the serial number, and look it up on the manufacturer's web site, which should list all the recall numbers. (That's what I did, and anticlimactically, was not one of those afflicted.) XOXO Violet
from chaosdaily :
wow! three dates!!! with three guys? or all with one?
from chaosdaily :
duck! i missed you!!!
from sparkspark :
Yay! I was just checking to see if you'd updated today, and here you are! XO Violet
from sparkspark :
I love it. Fight fire with fire. XO Violet
from chaosdaily :
good for you. you dont need someone like that around!
from sparkspark :
At least the heat would kill the germs on a used band-aid. The magic of the troll doll, however, is heat-resistant. I hope he didn't curse your underwear--you might want to say some sort of a spell over them. XOXO Violet
from chaosdaily :
thats why i used to take a book, and keep busy with that, and not look around!
from chaosdaily :
gee i agree with you on the text messaging thing. why can't he just call? me?? i would ignore everything but an actual call...
from sparkspark :
XOX Just catching up on your archives... thought I'd say hello. Violet
from sparkspark :
Good point! I wonder. And really, I didn't do anything wrong--the "salamander" escaped all on its own. I think it jumped the fence. All I did was go and track it down, and bring it back! XOXO Violet
from chaosdaily :
call and ask for the boss. if the person you talked to today was that dippy, the boss would surely understand!!
from sparkspark :
Gradually. And by recognizing the steps that led you to that place, and not repeating them. You're already doing that, so the forgiveness will come. XOXOX Vio
from chaosdaily :
it always seemed to me that the less i looked for someone, the sooner they found me. just be happy with yourself, and he will find you. *hugs*
from sparkspark :
Good for you. That is, indeed, ridiculous, and I hope a wonderful and adoring man appears in his place! XO Violet
from chaosdaily :
or at least find time to call. sheesh! men!
from toastcrumbs :
Thanks for the input - I usually have a low tolerance for stupid people, but can hide it well. In the open interview for this airline, one girl said her weakness was impatience with stupid people. Yeah, flight attendant probably not the best job for her, lol. p.s. I'll always make time to update - I'm sure if nothing else, there could be lots of crazy fool passenger stories from this job.
from heidiann :
Oh thank goodness it hurts less over time! I was willing to do it again but yowza...
from toastcrumbs :
Ha, I don't think it's the same friend - mine is kind of cheese-colored, but it's more of a swiss cheese coloring. Good luck with the laundry! I got up at 6 a.m. yesterday to do mine (one month's worth!!!) and after coming home, realized I left my towels in the dryer. Argh!! Laundry=pain in the butt!!
from toastcrumbs :
Is there a rehab for bitchiness? I have a friend I would like to enroll too please! She always makes me try and feel guilty for not wanting to stay out until 3 in the morning - perhaps we have the same friend! At any rate, get some rest! :)
from sparkspark :
Hi, Bella--I totally relate to your entry today about friends with odd expectations. I hope it all shakes out. XOXO Violet
from sparkspark :
Thank you for your good wishes, Ms. Duck--I appreciate it! XOXO Vio
from oldmaid :
doesn't it seem weird that he won't tell you where he works or what he does? i mean, what the heck?!
from chaosdaily :
i wouldnt call frank or alphie. i think wis is much more a man than they are, since he is willing to abide by your wishes and rules. and i can totally see why you arent friends with any exes!!
from chaosdaily :
you can work here duck, and work on your stuff in the afternoon. but you have to get up at the asscrack of dawn, and its fricking cold here!!!
from chaosdaily :
i saw a few live births, and one c-section. they were all amazing!!
from sparkspark :
Yay, I'm tagged!
from sparkspark :
Thank you, thank you! Have a lovely new year.
from toastcrumbs :
I'm excited for the new year too - Happy (almost) new year to you!
from oldmaid :
you do deserve better. i don't understand how alphie can act the way he does, and then say that the communication issues are all your fault. sometimes it seems like he is out of touch with reality.
from chaosdaily :
yea, someone just for you would be nice. alphie just doesnt seem like he works in your life. hes very selfish, trying to have 2 girls at once.
from sparkspark :
I knew that stuff was dangerous, but I just had to smoke it anyway. I'll never learn. And here I am, without my pants. It's just not right.
from chaosdaily :
it takes a while to load. and congrats on standing your ground, and not calling alphie. hes not the one for you anyway!
from sparkspark :
I will find this mascara. And I will attempt to smoke it. And I will report the results. Because it's got to be cheaper than crack, right?
from chaosdaily :
thats ok, duck. i love ya even if you are nuts!!
from oldmaid :
of course, if you do sleep with them, then they disappear anyway because they've gotten what they wanted. either way, it stinks!
from chaosdaily :
my whole house is the pit of despair! well i was planning on cleaning anyway, since its my day off......
from chaosdaily :
you tell em duck!
from toastcrumbs :
I'm temporarily locked! Username: username, Password: password
from chaosdaily :
duck, dont worry. its only the size of a dime, and apparently it happens to people all the time. my niece who is a nurse said it can take up to 6 months to heal. i sure hope not! but she might be right...
from toastcrumbs :
Sorry you are stressed about money, I get that way too even when I promise myself I won't. I used to go shopping when I was worried about not having enough money, how smart is that? But I shopped on the clearance racks so really it was like I was saving money <-- that's how I justified it. Anyhow, hope things will be more sparkly for you soon.
from chaosdaily :
i did sell low carb bread when it first came out, but it didnt sell good at all. i think i threw about a third of it away. good thing one case was free!!
from chaosdaily :
your friend is right. a regular schedule to your day will help a lot!
from chaosdaily :
that was BLT, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches... on bread, with a little mayo, yummy!
from chaosdaily :
duck... anything chocolate is not junk food. chocolate is a vegetable....
from oldmaid :
holy crap, that is horrible! the way simon was acting verges on assault. what a creep. i'm glad you stood up to him.
from oldmaid :
i think pretty people are mean because they're insecure. no matter how good they look now, it is 100% certain that, with time, they're going to grow old and become less attractive. if they're pretty, they have a lot to lose, and it makes them even more insecure. an insecure person will put others down in a lame attempt to prop themselves up. or at least, that's my opinion on the whole thing.
from toastcrumbs :
Wasn't that only five things? Or do stress and tension count as two? :) I hear you about the eating habits, I am in the same situation of sugar, junk food, fat consumption. I know I would feel better if I just ate better, but because I am stressed out/depressed/whatever, I don't feel like changing my eating habits, then feel worse, and so the cycle continues. Hmmm, sorry I don't seem to have any helfpful advice, but if I figure it out, I'll let you know.
from chaosdaily :
i agree with you about louie.. sounds like he wants to make a lot of money from you without doing any work. tell him to blow it out his ... errr... ear.
from chaosdaily :
i have this "thing" about making sure kids eat meals.... the dude and his friends would live on chefboyardee out of the can if i let them. they need to have at least one good meal a day, since they still are growing and developing. hardys mom has no food in the house, and i cant see a group of boys not having anything to eat, and tacos is a step up from canned food and junk food.
from chaosdaily :
vacations by yourself are great. no one to please but yourself. try it sometime!
from chaosdaily :
you go!
from chaosdaily :
i really wonder if there is a "one" for everyone. as you age, you mature, and grow, and if the one who was "the one" doesnt grow and mature with you, you are not with "the one" anymore. i would go for the quilt... variety is the spice of life you know!
from chaosdaily :
well i would like to do that too, but i prefer ice cream to frosting....
from chaosdaily :
onward and upward, but never straight! hehe and you arent weird, i like to have "me" time too. who wants to hang around with work people on the weekends????
from chaosdaily :
hang in there, duck!
from chaosdaily :
hi duck!! long time... where in wisconsin is your guy from? do i know him??
from chaosdaily :
i know what you mean. cleaning always makes me grumpy too. hehehehee
from chaosdaily :
yea, arent diaries great? and theres nothing wrong with feeling loved...
from newapostasy :
ah, so they are polyamorous. i understand--having been in that lifestyle for a while i kind of forget that what seems like daily life to me is odd to monogamous people. drop me an email if you ever want to talk about it.
from toastcrumbs :
Hi Duck! I moved to this new location. Good to see you update, can't wait to here more from you soon.
from chaosdaily :
welcome back duck! well, a job is a job... sooner or later you will find one you like
from glitterkick :
Wow, sucks about losing your job, but good you found another quickly - too bad about not even having a little slacking off time though. Hope you can update soon. As for me, I am temporarily locked, username=glitterkick, password=kickglitter.
from chaosdaily :
we missed you too!
from chaosdaily :
and you really dont need someone who has an "open marriage" sheesh! they want their cake and eat it too, and it usually doesnt work that way.
from chaosdaily :
being picky isnt always a bad thing!
from chaosdaily :
i learned from a guy i knew who had an excalibur, i drove it once and got up to 100 mph!! good thing i didnt get caught, cause id been drinking too... hehehe those were my wilder days!
from chaosdaily :
welcome back, duck! i missed you, and was wondering what was happening. sounds like alphie just is going slow, and maybe things would be different if you lived closer. *hugs* glad to have you back!
from glitterkick :
Hey, hope you had fun at training. Merry Christmas!
from glitterkick :
I have the same laundry issues - too many clothes, but nothing I want to wear. As for the CD player, mine keeps telling me No Disc for every cd I put in it too. I could accept maybe a CD Error message, but the NO CD message when obviously there is a CD in there . . . hmmm, I wonder why our CD players lying to us???
from chaosdaily :
its good to be a woman every day. just think of the alternative!
from chaosdaily :
well no pain talking about him must mean you are finally getting over him. and psycho?? sheesh i would avoid her too. she sounds like one messed up lady... like she only wants men who are already taken... and is never satisfied.
from chaosdaily :
y'know duck, your friend is right. if you are happy, relationships will find you. and your ex sounds a lot like my son, only my son is 14. he thinks everything should be about him, and everyone should play HIS game. maybe your ex just never grew up.......
from oldmaid :
i think you might be right about annie having bpd! i looked up some stuff on it, and it sounds a *lot* like her, plus it's often found in combination with post-traumatic stress disorder, which is her official diagnosis. thanks for pointing me in the right direction!
from chaosdaily :
any time, duck. *hugs*
from chaosdaily :
i would go, be polite, and ignore her if she gloats.
from chaosdaily :
maybe you just need a new therapist....
from chaosdaily :
well it wasnt my whole thumb, just a chunk of it. besides, i have another one... lol
from chaosdaily :
that doesnt sound passive agressive to me. you made no inflammatory statements, and you just put the whole thing back on him, where it belongs. you're right, when he can face you, thats a different story. i think you just stood up for yourself. way to go!!!!!!
from newapostasy :
hope your dad is okay! i'm sorry to hear about that. is there any way you can call him now? ::hugs:: hang in there.
from chaosdaily :
sorry to hear about your dad... is it possible to call him in the hospital?
from oldmaid :
oh no! your poor dad! i'm glad he is ok, but it's still scary. i hope he comes home soon.
from newapostasy :
::hugs:: i'm sorry you are sad. i wish you didn't have to feel this pain. i hope you feel much better really soon. (this is panther00 under a new username, by the way)
from chaosdaily :
hang in there, duck... you just have to give it time.. if you feel pressure, then just back away... you really dont need that. hugs
from chaosdaily :
glad you are feeling ok... gee alphie sure is a disappointment. well, just keep going, the less you are looking, the sooner someone will come along. and ty for the support....
from chaosdaily :
thats the point, duck. it wasnt a big deal, he just made it one. and then he never even used the table, so he bitched about having to clean it off and it just sat, naked!!
from chaosdaily :
thats the point, duck. it wasnt a big deal, he just made it one. and then he never even used the table, so he bitched about having to clean it off and it just sat, naked!!
from chaosdaily :
well you said it, just be yourself. i read an article in the paper today about people looking for mates, and the point it made was that if you are happy with yourself, and just do things that get you out into the public eye, someone will find you. you dont have to look..... just be yourself.
from chaosdaily :
awww duck, you know what they say, if it feels good, do it.
from panther00 :
oh man, sometimes it just is too much. i felt that way when i left my job back in april. leaving that job was supposed to be a happy-making thing but i found myself crying every day until it was over! sounds like you have a lot going on--can be so overwhelming. i hope things calm down for you soon!
from glitterkick :
Oh my, I've had to do the train a temp how to do a do nothing job - I had to spend a whole week with her as the powers that be thought that is how long it would take to train a replacement complex things like how to surf the internet and make paperclip necklaces. I did pretty well the first two days, but by the third, I just gave up and told her the truth: the hardest part about this job is looking busy. Have I mentioned how jealous I am that you are quitting your job? But I'm happy for you more than jealous (by just a little bit though!).
from chaosdaily :
*throws duck a life preserver* its almost friday!!
from chaosdaily :
why is it a bad thing that you cant do casual sex? sex should be between people with more than just a one-night-stand attitude. its in our nature to want love, dont think that sex = love, cause it doesnt.
from chaosdaily :
ill have to watch where i step.... lol
from chaosdaily :
cool, glad you had a good time. and i think its a good thing the weekend wasnt all about sex, alphie was right in not wanting you to feel used. it sounds like hes an ok kind of guy...
from chaosdaily :
yea i know what you mean. at least you can get out of town for a while, no matter what happens with alphie its at least a break. have fun ...
from glitterkick :
At my office, people call and ask for so and so and I offer to put them through to voice mail, at which point they start with “well maybe you can help me with this question . . .” and really, unless the question is about lip gloss, the answer is always going to be no, no I cannot help you. Honestly, the only person who knows less about what we do here than me is probably the janitor, and actually he probably knows more since he gets to go through everyone’s trash.
from panther00 :
god i hate it when people trivialize pain like that! you have every right to grieve as long as you need to as long as it doesn't ruin your life, which it's obviously not as you are still out there doing things. sheesh. the last thing you need to hear is something that sounds like advice but i'd ignore those people! they don't know what they are talking about.
from chaosdaily :
and obviously there is no chemistry with stan! geez he sounds like a loser... lol.
from chaosdaily :
yes its grief. but now it has a way to get out, and pretty soon, it wont be grief any more.
from chaosdaily :
wooooooo hooooooooo!!!!!! you go, girl!
from chaosdaily :
i think you should be yourself, and tell him what ever you need to.. to get your message across. honesty is the best policy, and if he cant handle it, then hes not for you. good luck and *hugs*
from chaosdaily :
honesty is good. and just wait till the end of the month, and see what happens. i myself am very impatient, and would have a real problem waiting... so good luck!!
from chaosdaily :
thats not always a bad thing. you can get to know him from a distance without worrying about having sex...
from chaosdaily :
hmmm are any of em cute?
from chaosdaily :
hmmm what an interesting, complicated situation bernard must have at home....
from oldmaid :
your dating stories are hysterical! what a creep that bernard is!
from chaosdaily :
sounds like you had fun with jeremy. theres nothing wrong with hanging out with a friend. just give it time.....
from panther00 :
good for you for knowing what you want and refusing to pursue frank and take less than what you deserve. i had a relationship end similarly once but the difference is that i just wanted him back and didn't care what i had to do or put up with to get there. that's definitely different now, but i wish that back then i could have had the attitude you have now. you are a good person and you deserve way better than that passive-aggressive bullshit he's giving you. ::hugs::
from chaosdaily :
thanks for the note and the support, duck. i think your friend is right, although i never tripped so i dont know what its like. the dude is ultra sensitive over what i say to him, but thinks he can say anything to me and its not supposed to bother me. well, hes male.....
from chaosdaily :
i know what you mean. i used to work with someone who would "go winkies" and take her "breakies" and she drove me up the wall.....
from panther00 :
you are welcome for the note. and your most recent entry was a wonderful thing to read. i'm sorry you are still hurting but it's probably a fantastic first step for you to clean out and put away the things that are bothering you. ::hugs:: oh and thanks for adding me to your favorites.
from chaosdaily :
one small step for duck.....
from chaosdaily :
sure, and make sure its got lots of butter!!
from chaosdaily :
yup theres a place for everyone.... ya just gotta find it
from oldmaid :
he talked about his nipples on the first date? ew, ew, ew!
from panther00 :
::hugs:: i know you and i don't even know eachother but god, i could just smack him for doing that to you. i know there's probably not much i can say to make you feel better but i'm really sorry this happened. you are a good person and someday this will get better. ::hugs again::
from chaosdaily :
awwww *hugs*
from chaosdaily :
i think you should go out and have fun, but be careful about falling in love on the rebound. just have a good time!
from chaosdaily :
yea people say "we can still be friends" but it never seems to work that way. i hope you can find your peace with this, just keep going out with the girls and dont hide away at home... it isnt the end of the world, even though it may seem that way. hugs
from chaosdaily :
*hugs* im sorry duck. he could have been more considerate about how he told you, and i can see why you dont want to "hang out" with him...
from chaosdaily :
well, a baby's gotta do what a baby's gotta do. so go have fun with kevin, and decide what to do when the time comes.
from chaosdaily :
hugs... and dont worry, i dont have that stuff in my diary either. its your diary, put in it what you want. i, for one, will still read it.
from oldmaid :
*hugs* for today. and i have to mention - i love how you explained the dick-rubbing thing to simon. that was *hysterical*, as well as accurate!
from panther00 :
hello. i just stumbled across your diary and just wanted to send you ::hugs::. hope you get to feeling better soon.
from oldmaid :
it's totally ok to feel like crap right now - you're going through one of the most awful things ever. you're allowed to feel sad, upset, ashamed, angry, and whatever else you feel. you're allowed to not do anything "valuable" with your time - dealing with the situation and taking care of yourself are valuable, too! and yes, there probably are people out there who are dealing with worse things, but that doesn't invalidate how you feel, or your right to take the time to be sad about what's going on. *hugs*
from invisibledon :
thanks
from chaosdaily :
thats for sure!!
from oldmaid :
more *hugs*. good for you for taking care of yourself. and i agree that doing things for you, like the yoga retreat, pay for themselves :)
from chaosdaily :
*hugs* duck.
from oldmaid :
*hugs* you're in my thoughts.
from chaosdaily :
i think the best thing you can do is just to be franks friend. it sounds like he is in a place where he needs friends, at least ones who sort of understand him. hang in there!!!
from oldmaid :
thanks! i like your diary, too!
from purr67 :
You can contact the bank to see if the funds are available before depositing the check. That way you know it won't bounce. Have fun where ever you are going!
from chaosdaily :
we'll miss you
from purr67 :
Leave the card on the kitchen table or some where you will both be. See if he panics. You know what I mean. You don't have to really say anything. I hope it is nothing, but, me, myself, I wouldn't take a chance.
from purr67 :
I swear I thought I was reading about Mark and I. It is almost scary that you are able to write out what I feel. I am the one who tries and he is the one who could care less. I am tired. Like I said, it's weird to read something that could have came from my heart.
from purr67 :
I too freeze. Once something happens that pushes past your boundaries you never seem to get over it. You go into 'shock' mode when something remotely like it happens again. I have just stood there quiet and glassy eyed when I should have been kicking and screaming. I don't have a choice in how I react. It just happens. I hate that I can't seem to change it.
from chaosdaily :
you are right to not try to change frank. that just never works. and you're right, its about you. you have to decide what you want.....
from bare-my-soul :
hope you hear back from the new job. bossman sounds like a moron.
from chaosdaily :
duck, hes a man. you have to forgive him, they all have poor memories when it comes to things like that. something about the male brain.....
from chaosdaily :
i agree with purr67, you have a great diary going here. as to CF? if she owes you money and wont pay, im sure the state employment board or the IRS would like to know why......
from purr67 :
I just finished reading your diary. My god it was like reading myself. weird but wonderful. I look forward to more.
from purr67 :
I read this part of your entry I guess I have magical thinking, because I keep believing that there is something I can do, or say, and then his heart will bust right open and he will be more passionate etc. and all will be right... but maybe I am just fooling myself, like it should be that way right away... or maybe I am fooling myself the other way, because no relationship is like that. And saw myself. I am adding you to my favorites. I look forward to reading more.

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