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I am so glad I came accross your diary. I have been suffering from denying I have depression for two years. I blamed it on post-natal depression. When I was preganant I was at my worst. I was so scared they would take my baby from me if I admitted it. I have panic attacks too and everytime I think I HAVE TO GET HELP I get this feeling that everyone has to live and I need to get on with my life and leave everyone to get on with theres (if that makes sense) When I was so happy that I had a son, but no matter how happy I was ...i was still depressed. I can't believe how much you explained my own mind in the last part of your recent entry. I have moved house and not registered with a new Dr because I'm scared of them passing over my file and offering me medication and counselling. Its as though I get really depressed then get to the point where I can handle it so "it must have gone" then it comes back worse. I need to sort it once and for all and admit that its depression and i need help. Its not gone and it won't go on its own. Thankyou for been so brave and been honest you inspired me so much.

from hilthethrill :

I'm so glad that you are ok! :)

from tattoobelly :

Yay, you're back! And pregnant again! CONGRATULATIONS!!

from tattoobelly :

I'll miss you, but I can understand losing interest in updating, especially when you have a lot going on in the non-internet world.

from la-the-sage :

If you go to member resources there's a link that lets you download your whole diary into your hard drive. Good luck and I'll miss you. ~LA

from thepeachtree :

I love working iout in the gym, it really is aot of fun after you get done exorsizing. Its weird, out of all of my "friends" on diaryland you are the only writer to still be writing. (other than me) Its pretty cool your still around, hope everything is going well for you. Have a lovly day. -Jess

from la-the-sage :

Both my kids are veggie eaters. Same deal as Ali and you. Start them young and don't offer the kid the junk. You don't have to be a witch about it, I met one mom who wouldn't let her kid eat birthday cake, but if you feed the kid nutritious wholesome food as a regular thing than the occasional treat won't put the kid off healthy eating. It's not one cupcake and the kid will never eat a green thing again. I think parents foist their own dislike of greens onto their kids. And laziness plays a HUGE part. How fricken easy is it to dump another Happy Meal into a kid compared to the 'hassle' of chopping fruit, cooking real food on the stove, and putting some thought into what you're making your child live on? Hot button issue. Sorry to rant. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

You wily wicked painted woman! I have to admit, eye shadow is the one make-up product I don't do well. I do like it on others, and those pics are inspiring, maybe I'll do some experimenting later. See? The help and encouragement goes both ways. Never think your life is too small and 'boring' to be of interest to others. Mwah! ~LA

from heavenlyging :

We missed you too!!!

from la-the-sage :

I like the new layout. And yeah, momming IS kind of boring sometimes. Hope you find somewhere to wear those wicked boots. ~LA

from kitchenwitch :

Yay!!! I'm glad you want to buy a mei tai from ME! I'd be happy to make one for you whenever you are ready... Oh and (this is your friendly neighborhood diaryland person talking, not me trying to sell you something) they are WONDERFUL to wear, really comfy because they take weight on both shoulders, even if I wasn't selling them, I'd still recommend that anyone with a little person in the house get one! I put Patrick on my back all the time, at the grocery store or mall, so he can't run around. We are going to a pagan festival and I am going to wear Willow on my front and James is going to wear Patrick on his back!

from la-the-sage :

Ugh. I HATE headaches like that. Hope you feel better FAST! ~LA

from rue25 :

Sister.... I wish my Lane Bryant lady would give me a nice lecture. I'm glad you found some stuff you like. I can't find any nice work pants that fit my ass. It is my holy grail of searches. I'll let you know if I ever find any. *sigh*

from rue25 :

{{{{{ HUG }}}}} I hope things get better for you... J

from heavenlyging :

{hugs} Fingers crossed for you. Take care.

from la-the-sage :

Congratulations! Scary now, best thing ever in a few months. I just know it. I'm dumbfounded. $300???? Around here that would get you a 7x9 storage unit at a self-storage place. An actual place to live? Not a chance. I wish you guys the best of luck. I'm so happy for you! ~LA

from kitchenwitch :

yay!!! I'm so glad... I was hoping people would like the idea and not think it was stupid!!! ~bless~ Joni

from scrappergirl :

My hat is off to you. Heck, I bow down at your feet. I am so not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Yes, it breaks my heart to miss some moments in their lives, but the flip side is that I turn into a screaming, raving, impatient lunatic of a mom when I'm home with them full time (like now that school is out for the summer). In our case, my working is most definitely what is best for my kids. It keeps me feeling balanced and happy. Happy mom = happier children. I truly believe that. You are doing your best, and as long as you are satisfied with your choices, it is what is best for your family. :) BTW, I am the mom who sat 10 feet from the boys (just inside the sliding door) and totally missed seeing one of them crack the other one in the head with a metal baseball bat. Hellooooooo stitches.

from heavenlyging :

I totally understand. Totally. I'm home with P. now for the summer and wonder how I used to do it - and how people who do this full time do it. Good luck!

from heavenlyging :

Sounds familiar. Right now we're in the 'I hurt it, kiss it better' stage. And he keeps falling on his bum. And in case you were wondering, I always pulled out my boob in a crisis as well!

from la-the-sage :

I'll have to remember the boob thing. Any time there's a hassle or crisis I'll whip out a boobie and YAY! All better now! I know I wouldn't be laughing if Ali was hurt, but since she's okay I'm just going to sit here and laugh my boobs off. Mwah! ~LA

from la-the-sage :

"Hey!" LA waves madly at the cutest baby ever. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Happy Mother's Day to you too! ~LA

from la-the-sage :

It's not silly at all to be glad of new clothes and feeling good about yourself. Too many new moms (me included) forget about themselves entirely. Like for years. And then wonder why they feel lost and so sad all the time. Please give the lovely toothy Ali a kiss from me. ~LA

from thepeachtree :

You're so so so sweet. I saw that Oprah too, and it WAS rediculas. I haven't seen a picture of your baby but i'm sure shes beautiful as hell. Once again, your so so so sweet, and so is your baby. :) I'm glad your still around dirayland, we're a dyeing breed to myspace. And Mmmmm... Xanax. Lovley. Nice reading you, stay sweet, Jessalynne.

from la-the-sage :

Hey! Lovely to hear from you as always. I am very, very patient with new mommies so was not concerned about the lack of updates. Missing you, of course. ~LA

from hereisadiary :

Honestly, I am a horrible, horrible lurker. I'm delurking now. Hi. Found you through Melissa at Awakened a shamefully long time ago (as in, more than a year.) Anyway, I just thought I'd introduce myself, let you know that I'm reading. Yeah, that's about it.

from heavenlyging :

more {hugs}. Take care.

from orlith :

ah... don't you hate it when you're more grown up and adjusted than your own parents? I'm sorry... to hear about your call. Hugs being sent your way... and just go forth in the exact opposite path of life of they that raised you did. Screw all the damn scientists... we don't have to be our parents. It's just a matter of deciding to put forth the work that it will require, rather than falling into the mold already prepared and being lazy. I've been doing it... you've been doing it. It can be done.

from heavenlyging :

{hugs}

from scrappergirl :

With my second son (4 now) we did all the vaccines, but we split them so that he didn't get 4 or 5 at once. My ped was more than happy to accomodate me on my schedule. It meant extra visits to the office for me, but I was willing to do that. He'll need them all, eventually, to start school, but I had plenty of time to do it my way. He's on track to have them all before Kindergarten, too. Definitley use your mother's intuition and do what you think is best.

from heavenlyging :

Two things. One, it is hard for dads with wives that breastfeed. It's only in the past few months that D. is feeling that P. is as close to him as he is to me. This is partly why we're starting to wean (the other part being that he's 19 months old and I am going to be doing some travel in the next few months and he'll need to be able to sleep on his own). Secondly, he's 19 months and I still talk mostly about him. And I love your baby stories!

from teachin-usa :

Such great photos of you and Aliana. She is beautiful!

from la-the-sage :

FINALLY! Your flickr account wouldn't open for me recently. Boo! But now I'm all caught up and all goony swoony with baby love. Also it's easy to see where that baby gets her good looks! ~LA

from la-the-sage :

It will get better. I promise! Now go relax as well as you can. You're doing fine. Really. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

{hugs} PPD happens to soooooo many new moms. Just take it all one day at a time.

from teachin-usa :

From me too- beautiful baby. EnjoY!

from heavenlyging :

She's soooo beautiful and you look so happy. Congrats again. And I love her name!!

from orlith :

she is sooo beautiful. Congratulations...

from la-the-sage :

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Welcome Little One! ~LA

from orlith :

Congrats... I've been anxiously waiting for the update, hoping everything went well. I'm so happy for ya'.

from heavenlyging :

Oh yay!! Congrats!!

from cowgirljules :

Congratulations, dreamer family!

from teachin-usa :

Hurray!! Enjoy every moment :)!!!!!

from heavenlyging :

I've been thinking about you and hoping that things are good. And just so you know, I only got to four cm, so I'm in awe that you're at three right now! And, while pregnant, I loved bacon. Craved bacon. Very odd.

from orlith :

Been thinking of you... Hoping everything is going okay.

from heavenlyging :

Holy Smokes!! It's almost vividmommy time! I'll be thinking ofyou!

from la-the-sage :

Whew! Glad you guys made it through okay. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Yeah, even a couple of pounds a week is normal at this stage. Sucks, don't it? Is your pubic bone separated? Hurts like a bastard. My doc didn't look up my zorch at every prenatal visit. They just checked my BP and weight. Poked my ankles. Inspected my urine for excess sugar. He'll probably 'go under the hood' at 37 weeks. I'm so excited for you! You're in the home stretch! ~LA

from heavenlyging :

Yeah.... poop sucks. Patrick had a few poo bombs when he was younger but hasn't had any shit monster style ones in ages. However, he's fairly regular. I remember when he started solids he was a little backed up and I gave him prunes. That was one of the poo bombs. But yeah, it does get easier with your own, in the beginning breast fed babies poo doesn't smell like poo so you get used to it slowly (and the alien poo from first being born only lasts a few days, if that) and yeah. You do it cause you have to and when they have a shit monster you hope it's in your house not someone elses.

from la-the-sage :

Food issues aside (you and I agree there), one time Wolf got backed up and when he finally went the poop was longer than his leg. I swear! Like a yard long turd came out of a kid only 3.5 feet tall. Where the hell had he been keeping it? And yeah, it gets a bit easier when it's your own kid's poop. But there've been times when a poop mess grossed me out. Upchucking type grossed out. It happens. Fortunately not too often. Especially if the kid eats well. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

Regarding the breastfeeding: You can do it! Honest. It might be hard at first (with P. it took myself, my husband and the nurse to wrestle him onto the boob at first) but it can be done. Just don't give up. Of course, you might end up as I have with a 15 and a half month old who still loves breastfeeding!

from heavenlyging :

I don't really know what to say. {hugs} families are hard things sometimes. Take care of you and that little one.

from la-the-sage :

You and your baby will be fine as fine can be. And think on it, do you REALLY want someone that self-absorbed around when you bring your darling home from the hospital? Your mom would just piss on your happiness and totally stress you out. I know it's hurtful, but I have the feeling you'll be glad of the time alone with your little one after she's born. When your mom bothers to come back from FLA there you'll be with a plumped out, happy smiling baby and you'll have a routine (of sorts) with your kiddo. Any criticism slung your way will be easier to shed than if your mother's there at the birth and those hectic crazy exhausted first few days home. Good luck. ~LA

from caerydd :

Yay! Pictures of cute puppies! :) I'm glad things are going well this time around.

from thepeachtree :

Hey, congradulations on your babbbyyy!

from heavenlyging :

Such a pretty room!

from la-the-sage :

I'm no fan of 'too girly' either and I will say your baby's room is GORGEOUS! Not too froo-froo at all. What a lovely place to bring your baby home to! ~LA

from cowgirljules :

That's a beautiful room - I especially love the little quilt on the wall. And the border. And the lavender....

from f-i-n :

hihihi...just stopping by

from heavenlyging :

I made this recipe recently and loved it - good with crackers. http://www.kraftcanada.com/controller?cmd=RECIPE_VIEW&lang=EN&rid=5742v2ec However, you'd have to use the oven, so perhaps it might not be thebest idea. Good luck with that!

from la-the-sage :

That's wonderful news! Delighted your new doc is a good 'un. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

Whoo!!!! A good doctor is sooooo much of the battle. Good luck with this one!

from heavenlyging :

Happy Birthday!!!! Just think, 25 is going to be a stellar year!! Take care.

from la-the-sage :

Happy Birthday, sweetie! What an exciting year in store for you! Though not getting presents sucks big weinie, no matter what. Hope a good surprise comes tonight. I, for one, am VERY glad you're here. Love, LA

from rhondarubard :

Thanks for the kind note! It's been relatively easy to deal with with the AMAZING support system I have. You really find out who your true friends are in times like these, and I am truly blessed!

from heavenlyging :

THere are times that I miss having P. in my belly - or at least, being pregnant and having that life source move inside of me. Enjoy.

from teachin-usa :

ugh. how obnoxious. at least caffeine is something we know what it *is*. i'd like to see all the mysterious food additives your coworkers put into *their* bodies! if you eat an apple, do they insist that you wash it first? because pesticides are something we *do* need to worry about.

from orlith :

oh... how funny. Coke is the ultimate evil you know. Betcha money when she was pregnant (if she ever has been), she probably had a little something something here and there that other people reamed on her for. My husband and I were just discussing this issue the other day, because when some day when I am pg, I want to wait several months before telling people. That way I don't have everyone as my 'babysitters'.

from orlith :

i'm with la-sage... gush all you want. That's what this place is for. Let it all out.

from la-the-sage :

If you apologize for being excited about your pregnancy one more time I'm going to spank you. I'm not bored by baby talk at all. I'm happy and excited with you. And anyone who expects a first time mother to be blase` and full of talk about the International Monetary Fund or something is a childless weasel with a small heart and no soul whatsoever. You enthuse, chatter, and gush all you want to. ~LA

from orlith :

I don't know what to say... and anything I could say would just sound cheesy and thin... I'm sorry. I know it's not my fault, but I have come from a family that is so dysfunctional at best that it's a catastrophic gash in nature the majority of the time. I know what it's like to want to be the complete opposite of your parents because you're deathly afraid of turning out like them. Hang in there... and think of your own baby, and how you're NOT going to be like that with your little one. Don't listen to the experts, that type of behavior isn't genetic... if you choose to be different... you will. *HUGS*

from orlith :

Been thinking about you... hope things are working out.

from heavenlyging :

Oh gracious. {hugs} and I hope that everything works out and you're able to calm yourself a little. Take care of you and your little one.

from cowgirljules :

Hang in there... I'm sorry everything seems to be coming down at once. Isn't that just the way of it? I'll think good thoughts your way.

from heavenlyging :

That's horrid!!! Really horrid. Is there anything that can be done? WHat do they expect from you ? Move to canada!!!

from la-the-sage :

Does sound like they have you by the short hairs. That's hard. Do what you gotta to hang onto your health insurance. Being pg with no insurance is so scary and makes you have to choose things like "Rent or Sonogram?" "Pre-natal vitamins or electric service for another month?" ~LA

from orlith :

Glad to hear things are okay. Enjoy your day off.

from la-the-sage :

Already past 1st trimester? Congrats! The scary part is over. Oooo! Wicked bad yeast infections when I was pg. Walked like John Wayne. Heal up quick and here's hoping your unexpected day off is a good one! ~LA

from orlith :

In all the pregnancy reading and research that I've done... The ONE thing that they stress over and over is to be happy and comfortable with your doctor. If you're not happy with your doctor, there is good reason to believe that when it comes down to the time to make very important decisions for you and your baby.. you need to be able to trust his judgement. If you don't like him, don't trust him... that would making having to follow his advice quite scary at times, because there would always be that doubt nagging in the back of your mind as to whether he really has your best interests at heart. Good luck with the new doctor!! And it sounds like you could end up having a little gymnast!

from heavenlyging :

I could have sworn there was a belly pic there at some point. And yay!! Hearing the heartbeat is really cool, as is seeing the baby. Congrats!

from la-the-sage :

Ugh! Morning sickness is a plague. Gads, I was so far along I using a seat belt extender before mine let off, around 6.5 months. Hope yours is shorter. VERY much shorter. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Penney's and Sears came through for me with nursing bras. And you know the udders I sling around. heh. ~LA

from orlith :

Hi, for online bra options, you should go to like www.aj.com and try searching for maternity bras. It looked like www.motherhood.com had quite a selection. Anyways, when I went to AJ, searched for that I got a lot of sites to choose from. Good luck.

from orlith :

from la-the-sage :

Hooray for spring break! We actually had a spring-like day here. I'm not too torqued, it's supposed to snow tonight. I had something else, but I've been interupted twice since opening the note box. sigh... Glad all is well. ~LA

from orlith :

Yay... I'm so excited for you. I'm glad things are going better. Glad the dr's appt went well.

from la-the-sage :

Thank goodness. I was worried. Go back to your eating and weeping. Everything sounds like it's going great. Just so's you don't feel bad, when I was pg with Alex I threw up on the cat. Yes, the CAT. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Gah! Your email link is not compatible with my browser. Please send me a quick line at [email protected] so's I can have your email addy. Please? Still hugging, ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Shhh. It's okay. Truly. You'll take pills for a few days and possibly vaginal suppositories until 10 weeks. After that your body will start taking up its slack. I went through it. It's okay. It's okay. I promise. Low hormone levels are easily fixed and there's nothing wrong with your baby. Hugging you hard. ~LA

from orlith :

Congrats! Glad your first Dr. Appt went well. I was on a website the other day that gave a TON of information of things to expect when you're pregnant, and just tons and tons of information. If I run across it again, I'll write it down and send the site to you. My husband and I are tentatively researching us getting pregnant through artificial insemination with donor sperm. So... I am doing a lot of research on that, and I sometimes feel like I'm just wading through all this baby information I've found. Let me know if you're interested.

from grim-reviews :

Hi, we're grim reviews. A new diaryland review site. Interested in getting a review? Drop on by. We'd love to have you...

from cowgirljules :

Here's hoping everything goes well and smoothly!

from la-the-sage :

OHMYGOD! I must have missed your previous entry! Wow! Congratualtions! Eee! I'm all a'dither. Happy, happy, happy for you! Love, ~LA

from orlith :

Hey... I've been reading for a while and I first want to say Congrats!! Second... take the prenatal vitamins you have now... start today. The biggest reason is the folic acid, it has been found that a lack of folic acid in a womans system is the cause of some birth defects. These birth defects form very early on in the pregnancy (they say within the first six weeks.) So most definitely take what you've got OTC is okay most generally, and your doctor might even say they're okay to just continue taking those. (I would take them in with you on your appointment.) In your first doctor's appointment they will most likely do their own pregnancy test. Then they will try and determine an estimated due date, and then most likely they might draw some blood to do initial bloodwork to rule out any sorts of problems that might be occuring. I would also suggest that you be open and honest with your doctor about anything and everything you may be taking. Especially where you've had a miscarriage before, it would be a good thing to have everything out on the table to be able to do what you can to prevent a repeat of that. (Heaven forbid, but it helps to be preventful.) Super Congrats again!!

from teachin-usa :

Congratulations! I'm so happy for the both of you!

from heavenlyging :

Congrats!!! Yay!! I'm so happy for you! In terms of anything you're taking, check if it's ok to take during pregnancy - go to the pharmacy and they should be able to look it up. Start taking the prenatals as soon as you want to - you can start now if you so desire. Cut out anything that might be bad - smoking, drinking, caffine, sushi, etc - and don't worry if you've had it in the last few weeks. This is a grace period but once you know, the grace period is pretty much over. And enjoy!!!!! Yay!!!

from la-the-sage :

Hey Babe, Clinton is from Arkansas and he was the most kickass prez to serve during my lifetime. There's rednecks everywhere. Even here in New Yawk. You go! Get you a dream house, find a class of kids to teach instead of wrangling small beasts, and be happy. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Oh cool!!!! I like Cher too. Yeah, the last round of nip-n-tuck kind of pushed her into scary, but damn! If I could look that hot at 50-something...wow. And her talent is overwhelming regardless. Have big fun! ~LA

from forestdream :

I've always wondered about that Noni juice, but won't do so anymore ;) Also, wanted to let you know I've moved diaries to wildforests.diaryland.com

from la-the-sage :

Tahitian Noni juice? Sorry, hon, but that cracked me up. Do you at least get the cool leaf hat? ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Whew! Glad to hear everything went well medically. (Except for being bent like a Gumby, of course.) Gads, makes me feel creepy about my PayPal account. A $1,000! Damn. Thank goodness you caught it. Now stay on the mend and keep your fingers crossed you don't get sucked into a new OJ trial. ~LA

from caerydd :

*hugs* Hope you get time for a chillout day soon!

from la-the-sage :

You're freaking out. That's fine. No, really. Wolf was a scheduled C-section. I was a demented loon the week before. It wasn't the baby, been there-done that, it was the surgery. Pour yourself a drink. Ask Alan for a neckrub if you can stand being touched. It'll be okay. You'll be okay. I promise. ~LA

from rue25 :

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend A. Sending love from CO.

from heavenlyging :

(hugs) I'm sorry about your friend. Take care.

from la-the-sage :

That's so sad. I'm sorry about your friend. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Oh wow! Good luck with the party! And what kind of zoo do you teach in anyhow? 1st grade thugs? Gracious! ~LA

from caerydd :

I have been keeping up, I still use my buddy list. I think I put almost too much into dland, emotionally. I need to withdraw at one point because my dland posts were acting as feedback for my emotions, a bit of a feedback loop >_< Hopefully I'll be updating again now, although I might move to my own domain ....but then I've been threatening that for years.

from heavenlyging :

So so so cute!!! and {hugs} Enjoy the vacation!!

from la-the-sage :

Oh crap. That is some hard news. I'm sorry you're in pain. Have you spoken with Melissa? She's the endo answer lady. However if your immune system decides to fuck you over, I'm your girl. Seriously though, I hope the slice-n-dice does the trick and that the pain is minimal between now and then. Love, LA

from bharrison :

Thanks for the note! I am teaching pre-k through 8th grade art. I don't even have a class until 9:30, plus a lunch break and a conference. I think this is going to be a much better year! Enjoy your weekend off!

from tithonus :

Yo. Kickin' it?

from heavenlyging :

lots of love and hugs being sent your way!!

from rue25 :

I always sign in the book... change of pace here if you will. Things will get better. They have to. At least you don't have to schedule sex appointments... you can just roll over. I'm a little more than jealous about it actually. As an aside... my best friend on the planet, possibly the universe is a teacher here in our great hometown and I swear... talking to her is like reading you some days and I told her as much. I hope you don't mind but I gave her your link just so she would know she's not alone. Maybe she'll leave you some love too. {{{hugs}}}

from bharrison :

hey! i haven't been able to catch you on-line in a while. i like your new template. hope everything's going okay!

from heavenlyging :

{hugs}

from la-the-sage :

Holy moly! Are you both okay? No. Duh. But I mean will you be okay? Whew. You are having one hellacious time recently. Hope this life storm lets up soon. ~LA

from politics101 :

Man, I don't even know how I'd handle your problem. My parents have both died (my father didn't marry until he was 45) so my little sister was born when he was in his 60's. I wish somewhere out there I truly did have other siblings because out of six children only my two big sisters could even be considered normal. Thinking of you, Melanie

from clarity25 :

I just discovered your diary and I couldn't stop reading, It's so well-written, honest, open, and completely engaging. Just wanted to tell you that:) great writing!

from la-the-sage :

YAY! An update! Congratulations (?) on acquiring a sister. Wow, your mom is too cool. I don't know if I'd want to meet Mike's love child. And you, my dear, take as much time off from here as you need to. You sound like a truly wonderful teacher. Not just the hours you put in, but for asking the questions you do. It IS an awesome responsibility. That you are aware of it makes you aces in my book. Drop in when you can, but don't make journaling another chore. Goodness knows you don't need another demand on your time and attention. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

Teaching is a hell of a hard profession. I'm proud of you for staying in it and doing so well. Take care and have fun wiping noses and drying tears.

from la-the-sage :

Howdy. Missed you. Good luck with the button/zip/wipe boogers thing. Life became Paradise when Wolf learned to do for himself. I can't imagine tending 20 butts-n-noses! ~LA

from bharrison :

i'm glad that this year is going better for you! it makes the day a lot shorter when you are happy!

from la-the-sage :

eeek! Good luck getting your room finished in time. I totally know how you feel about putting up newspaper links. I want to do it sometimes, but it wouldn't take a brain surgeon to triangulate the Hobbit House from diary clues and a link from our local rag. So I offer no proof and look like an hysterical nut-ball making up shit. Anyhow, this LA isn't going to your LA anytime soon so you're safe from me! heheheh ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Cool! No punches thrown. No overturned tables. No Springer-esque antics at all. I'd call it a success. I don't know what Jessica's relationship with her mother is, but can you blame her for wanting a 'respectable' dad? Even if he doesn't want her, at least she knows a name and has a face (if your dad really is her father) and she doesn't have to say her father is 'Random Stranger' anymore. Think of the relief! Not going out and staring just a little too hard at every middle aged guy and wondering if he's the one. You and your dad did a kindness. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

{hugs} I'll be thinking of you. Good luck meeting her!

from notjustamom :

Yeah Ad-Aware is good stuff. So is SpyBot Search and Destroy. Both free. I use them both allot.

from tithonus :

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from la-the-sage :

Holy shit! I'm just now catching up. What a shocker. I'm laughing because I am the daughter my father walked out on and the last frigging thing I want to do is see him or his teenaged current bride or the 2 half brothers he was Super Dad for. But I know the man, Jessica does not. Your heart is good. You get her pain and curiosity. Know this, 'family' is whoever you want it to be and if you want to befriend this woman then do so. It's not about 'loyalty' and choosing sides. A hand reached out in friendship is never a wrong thing. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

wow. noone needs unwinding more than you right now. {hugs}

from heavenlyging :

Feel better soon!!!

from la-the-sage :

Ouchie! Hope you feel better fast! ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Funny, when I think about getting away Arkansas just never comes up. ~LA

from politics101 :

I think I would say hands down that your diary is MUCH more interesting than mine. All mine is lately is bitching about my bitch acting daughter. HA Love, Melanie

from la-the-sage :

I need to learn how to blow like that. I'm always so goddamn 'fair' there's no catharsis AT ALL! ~LA

from heavenlyging :

Happy Birthday!!!

from forestdream :

I do hope everything improves for you and your family soon. And that you have a wonderful birthday despite all of it :)

from tithonus :

Well, for what it's worth, happy birthday! :)

from la-the-sage :

I'd love to ask whether you were shitting us, but I know better. What do YOU want to do? Seriously. Because you know what? You're an adult. I understand ties and obligations and even 'traditions', yet none of those are as important as being true to yourself. I'm not saying you should show up with a .38 and get busy, just that you should follow your heart. Do what won't leave you an exhausted shaking mess half-dead from frustration and anger. Cutting out early or even taking a miss altogether. Okay? Love, LA

from la-the-sage :

Okay. Good. I was getting concerned. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

He showed. Good. Now, please if you can, get some rest. ~LA

from tithonus :

Have you read the AA book? It's quite old-fashioned but it's a really important book, I think. Very much worth the time, IMHO.

from heavenlyging :

{hugs} to you and your family. take care.

from la-the-sage :

I hear you. Your pain. Your frustration. But my dear friend, your brother is the ONLY one who can save himself. Can't help the ones who don't want to help themselves. It takes all kinds of mad courage to let him bottom out. His behavior is incomprehensible and maddening because he's an addict. That's all. A chemical is frigging with his mind and body and has him in its grip. He doesn't hate you. He's not even trying to hurt anyone, but he will anyhow for as long as he's using. Please reassure your mom that people lose weight without meth. None of this is anyone's fault, least of all your parents. Love, LA

from politics101 :

it's miss june here. you need to read my entry called something like "this is too much". pretty funny stuff of which i am getting a lot of emails. are we the ONLY family on earth where i have told my children i'd rather they get high than drunk or use other drugs. anyway, son on stage with band SO LOADED he's about to fall off. he is in big trouble. by the way, i'm getting a diamond stud with daughter. call it mother daughter go crazy day. see ya, melanie

from la-the-sage :

Scary! Hope Alan feels better today. (You too!) ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Not boring! Good luck with the job interview. So, that bitch-kitty portfolio is coming in handy after all. Good. You certainly sweated blood to get it done. ~LA

from dreamofblue :

*good vibes* :-)

from heavenlyging :

I once bought a cream puff from the grocery store. When I bit into it, it was mouldy. I feel your pain.

from scaryfish :

Ooh, congratulations! (No, you don't know me. Still.) =) yay for you!

from thepeachtree :

Congradulations! Wait, how do you spell that, teacher?

from heavenlyging :

Yay yay yay!!! Congrats!!! Whoohoo!!!!

from la-the-sage :

YAY!!!!! Well done, TEACH! ~LA

from notjustamom :

Are you ok? Did you go to the dr? Gawd girl be careful. LA, "Poor hubby"? Ha! Bullsh**!

from la-the-sage :

Jeeze, can't let you out of my sight for a minute. Are you really okay? Poor you. Poor hubby. Poor car. ~LA

from notjustamom :

OMG LA said the C word hahahahahahaa! People like that (The PrincipaL NOT LA) get their own back in Karma. Sounds flaky but its true. Hope the School Board has some brains and it all turns out ok.

from la-the-sage :

You all smoke?

from la-the-sage :

You've got to be fucking kidding me. The principal is the sole arbiter of hiring and firing? I'd think long and hard about coughing up a letter for that cunt. You know if you interview at another district and they call for a reference that she'll take that letter and wave it around screaming, "Oh! Don't hire HER! Look! She quit! Left me high and dry! She's unreliable!" I understand not wanting to make a stink. I understand that she boxed you in neatly. But isn't there a district office of personnel? Be polite, but firm and ask them what your position is. Are you in the union? Cover your ass, baby. Ms Bitch is trying to fry it. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

YAY! A like-minded friend! ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Me again. And don't I feel like quite the stalker? Anyhow, I think you gave your mom a WONDERFUL gift! In this hurry up world time is the most precious gift of all. You spent time and gave her a gift of time for herself. Snaps to your mom for being honest and a hug for you for being a wonderful daughter. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

I loathe fleas. I was horrified by how they bit and took over my house in Texas. Maybe it's too cold up here or something, but fleas in the carpets and furniture are almost unheard off. Good luck getting rid of your infestation. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Congrats! You finished it! YAY! As for bucking traditional format? I'd say you were having one last rebel yell before becoming an honest-to-godfrey grown-up. Good for you. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

Hey there. You are correct. I just got home from a long and weird stay at the hospital that resulted in one bundle of joy coming home with us. I'll be updating soon wiht a little update and later with the whole story.

from dreamofblue :

oh my gosh, that is so adorable. i probably would've cried. i can't think of many other good reasons to teach.

from la-the-sage :

Don't beat yourself up about not being able to come to the march, you just get yourself to the voting booth this November. THAT's the important thing. Fine shot of my southwardly migrating ass, eh? Thinking about dropping the 'e' from my handle and just going with LA the Sag. ~LA

from kitchenwitch :

Grr... I tried to sign your guestbook, but for some reason it wouldn't let me! So I will leave that message here!~~~~>I am so glad when you do sign... you always have something nice, or helpful, to say! Thank you for your message! ~blessings~

from la-the-sage :

Sorry about your uncle. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

I finally said no to getting a dog too. The cats are a big enough pain and I don't even have to entertain them! Good for you about Ginger. You'll both be happier. ~LA

from tithonus :

Download the Gimp from hither: http://www.gimp.org/ It's a free graphics editing program and will allow you to very easily adjust the size of your pictures on your computer. :)

from la-the-sage :

Oh Honey, you are really in the trench of things right now, huh? See, all this time I've been a little envious of you. Being married AND having so much time to yourself? Sounded like Heaven. But I see your side now and am sorry your time apart is so lonely and sad. ~LA

from bharrison :

I hope you enjoy your much needed and much deserved Spring Break!

from la-the-sage :

(keeping fingers crossed) Are you coming up here? Taking a bite of the Big Apple? Broadway isn't the ONLY attraction, you know. There's a certain diarist within shouting distance of NYC. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

You will have *earned* that week off. Treat yourself well during it and know that you deserve it!

from la-the-sage :

Gosh, I wish I could tell you how much your note means to me. I've been high ever since. Thank you. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

Thank you so much for your note. I'm feeling bittersweet about it all, so it's good to read some reassurance. {hugs}

from heavenlyging :

Bitching is fine. And good vibes are heading your way!

from la-the-sage :

I hear you. I'm whipped and hardly have the energy to bitch. You bitch for both of us, okay? Oh yeah, are coming to DC? That would be wonderful! ~LA

from la-the-sage :

I've seen, but not tasted Bertie Botts beans. Thanks for the heads up. ~LA

from redshoegirl :

Pfft, you're life's just one big barrel o' laughs at the moment isn't it A. Get in that bath with those lush products immeadiately!!

from dreamofblue :

You've already crossed that line. At this point, his trust doesn't matter. He's unhealthy. You should tell your parents and get him some help before he really hurts himself or someone else. If you really love him, you'll help him. Getting him help is the ultimate gift of love, whether he knows it right now or not.

from la-the-sage :

Sweetie, your brother is an addict. There's no talking to him. Expecting honesty, responsibility, or even sense from an addict is futile. I know you love him, but spare yourself any further grief about being a bad guy. Even your brother isn't truly a bad guy, he's just a junkie. And the junkie part is in control. Try and find some peace inside yourself, it's going to be turbulent for quite a while with your brother. Al-A-Non or Narc-A-Non might help. Check around for meetings. Good luck. ~LA

from heavenlyging :

I wish we lived closer. I suspect that many stories would be told offline regarding our classrooms. Good luck with today.

from la-the-sage :

You have a HORSE? Who knew? Not the Sage, that's for sure. What else ya got up your sleeve? A naked houseboy? Man eating orchids? Been reading for a while now and you casusally say, "Oh yeah, I have a horse." Sheesh. Go ride. I'll be over here staring at my navel and wondering about the vagarities of life. ~LA

from mendedsoul :

Actually you must be a saint to put up with a room full of kids all day. Somedays it takes all my inner strength just to smile and say okay, will see, maybe etc... and I only have three and they belong to me..

from la-the-sage :

Oy. Hope you're feeling better. And of course Ms Tits was waiting there to frown at you, she saw the sub sign in. Probably made her day, that bruja. ~LA

from bharrison :

Glad to see that you had sucha wonderful day too! At least it didn't involve a nervous breakdown! LOL!

from la-the-sage :

Nope, I'm with you. I hate this feelings crap. Hope you escape unscathed by this little incident. Plenty out there who's sue you and the school district for what you did, and often less. And worse? They WIN. One local teacher got suspended and formally disciplined for knocking a knife out of a student's hand. A knife he was about to stab into HER. No lie, it's a fucked up world. ~LA

from redshoegirl :

Ah A, you rock! I can't wait to join the teaching ranks myself. Although, of course, my classroom will be a haven of perfect behaviour without a broken pencil or spitball in sight ;-)

from bharrison :

I'm glad that deep down inside, you really do love your job! I know how it gets sometimes. Classrooms need more teachers like you!

from la-the-sage :

Okay, like I said, I was just curious. A diary IS the place to do our grumbling and I figured you were venting. Sometimes though people stick with jobs they loathe out of a weird sense of duty, hopelessness, because that's what they got their degree in and feel obligated not to waste their education, and refuse to change even though they are miserable. Grumble away, my friend, no sniffy critic here. :-) ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Any thoughts that maybe you have chosen the wrong career? Just curious. ~LA

from la-the-sage :

Glad your no news is good news! ~LA

from redshoegirl :

Thanks for shaking me out of it A! Beware the lonely diarist! I'm just glad you're out there, and still reading!! And woohoo for the assesment and pg test. I hope you get less busy soon. And I echo what Melissa said about Mondale...I don't even know who he is!

from la-the-sage :

Thanks for the birthday love. Glad I found you too! ~LA

from redshoegirl :

Oh gosh A, I know how you feel. Hang in there sweetie, I'm sure it will all work out ok. *love and de-twitching hugs*

from thepeachtree :

Hey, Some principals arent what they should be. You'd think that they would pick a more inteligent person to "run the school". My schools principal was fired last year for "sexual harassment". Thats why we lost so many teachers, luckly they kicked him out before they all quit. But anyways...poor Kiki! *sigh*

from heavenlyging :

That's fantastic that the parent stood up for you. I have to say that there's nothing worse than having a good day and thinking you're going somewhere and then, boom, the kids don't behave. Except how the admin treats you. Hang in there and take care.

from heavenlyging :

{hugs} Happy holidays.

from redshoegirl :

Woo woo!! Time off kicks arse! But since when was 7 a lie in? 12 is more my style. ENJOY yourself, A, and no more worrying

from heavenlyging :

IT'S THE HOLIDAY BREAK!!! I know exactly how you feel. These two weeks are going to be wonderful!

from redshoegirl :

It is for the best. Your Goddess is with you. Have faith, hold on and have a bloody good christmas!

from redshoegirl :

Bitch principal! she can stick her classroom management up her arse. I know you kick ass!

from politics101 :

do you think daughter's on CRACK????

from politics101 :

tell me about it. i have a little sister hooked on CRACK. it's horrible. she just can't kick it. we've ALL tried to help.

from thepeachtree :

If i took all the money i've spent on drugs, i could proably buy... well.. something very nice, not a car, but hey, i'm only 17 so ehh.

from la-the-sage :

Oh gosh! I'm spacing it and cannot remember if you'd listed me before and are now back for a return engagement or if I just "know" you from the overlapping people in our cyber lives. In either case, thanks. Thanks as well for the fun I've had the last 1/2 hours or so. Been archive diving and enjoying the hell out of your writing. One of these years I'm going to update my buddy list and have a sneaky that you'll be on there. Cheers, ~LA

from thepeachtree :

Hey hon, try not to worry to much about things, it will all work out in the end, and everything happens for a reason. Stay sweet, feel better, and have a very very merry christmas dollface.

from heavenlyging :

I know exactly what you mean by needing christmas break. I'm feeling the same way completely. And thanks for the comment - sometime we should chat sometime. I bet we'd have stories that'd make the other feel better about our students!

from swordsmaiden :

Holy shit! That car is MONEY! (Yes, I just said "money" in that context. I mean, no. It never happened. In actuality, I exclaimed those very words upon seeing it. Jon E is totally getting in my head, apparently (he uses it ALL the time))

from sbspsd :

Hi there. This is Sepia Reviews. We're currently looking for reviewers so could you help us out by reviewing for us? It's a diary a week or so - nothing heavy (more if you can!). Let us know. Thank you!

from redshoegirl :

Hey angel. Another e-mail waiting for you in your yahoo account. My e-mail still won't talk to your normal one. Glad you're getting a nice holiday. Don't get eaten by any sharks, now. xxx

from heavenlyging :

I'd report it if I were you. Here, legally, if we suspect anything, we have to report - and not to a principal, but instead directly to child services. Parents like that make me so angry.

from redshoegirl :

CLEAN OUT YOUR EMAIL!! CAN I SAY IT ANY LOUDER!! ;-)

from heavenlyging :

that sounds crappy! The scope isn't that bad however - I had it once and they give you a little iv of valium. I was happy all day! If you get it, demand something like that - I didn't feel a thing!

from redshoegirl :

Yeeks, poor you A! that sounds mega shitty. I'm sorry you don't have a nice socialist health service like we do. I'll pay half if you go to the doctor NOW!!

from kitchenwitch :

I locked my diary. Email me if you want the password. Love ya! Hopefully this will be temporary!

from heavenlyging :

Wow. It really sounds like you're in need of someone to talk to about all of your feelings. You've been through a lot in the last little while. Please take care of yourself. {hugs}

from heavenlyging :

Hey there. Thanks for the congrats, especially since I know what a rough time that you've had lately. Take care of you {hugs}

from rhondarubard :

Thanks for the note of support. I should have learned my lesson before on the "joys" of roommates, but I guess I was blinded by the seduction of new friends. Ah well, it's good to be in a place where nobody knows your name (and I can actually be alone!!!)

from politics101 :

put that GOOGLE PROTECTOR on and no one on earth will find you. it takes a few weeks for google to pick it up and then YOU ARE SAFE. take it from someone who KNOWS. love you, melanie

from heavenlyging :

{hugs} Lots of {hugs}

from heavenlyging :

{hugs} I'm sending lightness and happiness, but most importantly hugs. Take care.

from littlemummy :

Oh, I am so so so sorry. I am dreading the day I find one of my furbabies gone. I wish I could give you a real hug. I'm so sorry.

from flyinby :

ugh - i hate spotting while preggers!

from politics101 :

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. lucky you, just think of all you have to look for to in about 15 years. yeah, you are preggo for sure with those symptoms. i keep begging husband for baby but he claims 23 (my age) is to old for another baby. he is THROUGH with babies. can i have yours please? i'll trade you my daughter. i'll admit she's spoiled and doesn't do any housework and basically just parties and is a slob BUT she is sweet and almost thru the crazy years. sounds good???? i'm so serious here. love, june (aka melanie) p.s. don't worry about the "substances". i did PLENTY with my son and he's fine.

from redshoegirl :

Well, I tried to leave you a nice guestbook message, but smg.com messed up again. Bah. Here is an overview... Illness bitch, get well soon, death awful, frightens me, not preg, be glad no period, Alan = nurse, love you.

from starlight42 :

Found you through POY and just wanted to say that I feel for you with your roommate Rose. I hope things work out soon!

from politics101 :

thank God for you vivid. you are STILL A RANTER!! there is something up with all my diaryland friends and that problem is that all kids are acting normal. and this is NOT GOOD. so i just wanted to say, KEEP RANTING. i need some drama in my life.

from politics101 :

disregard all the misspelled words. too hot to concentrate.

from politics101 :

hey vivid, it's me, melanie. or as the new diary says "june clever". HAHA. you know why i just love you up, because we must be CRAZY to live in this state. today the head index in this city was 108 and mr. clever was out mowing the yard. GOOD GOD. i LOVE the new layout. it rocks. daughter's been in florida half the summer and comes home tomorrow so my spy qualities should be put to the maximum text once again. it's been a LONG summer. i'll be back and going in a few weeks. this last hospital visit really took me for a loop. but you know me - the TRUE SURVIVOR. hang in there, we gotta stick together in louisiana! love, melanie aka june clever (WHAT a joke!!)

from thepeachtree :

Hey, its Jesso... A good friend of mine had her best friend die, and found out just a hour ago. If you were going to leave me a note... don�t. You should go to her diary and leave happy hopeful thoughts in her notes section. Thanks a lot kid, she, and I, would definitely appreciate it, from one Diarylander to another... ( http://krisdru.diaryland.com )

from melieann :

I'M BACK!! ha! check out: politics101.diaryland

from melieann :

I'M BACK!! ha! check out: politics101.diaryland

from swordsmaiden :

CONGRATULATIONS! Best of luck. :) (I couldn't use the the guestbook because it kept saying "you can't sign again that fast" How annoying.)

from prowlingleo :

Wishing you a happy 4th, and thank you for giving me a great read!

from melieann :

i like the new layout!! the only thing/problem is that you can hardly read what the "subject" line is because the green is so dark! but, if you REALLY look, you can. besides that, i really do like it.

from therae :

*Strikes a Marilyn Monroe Pose* Haaaappy Birthday to you. Haaaappy birthday to you. Haaappy birthday, Ms. Vivid Dreameeer... Haaaappy birthday to you. I'm wearing this gold lame dress just for you. *Winkwink* :) Happy birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day.

from sourkandi :

Beware, i am your stalker

from therae :

The weekend was truly a heart warming experience. I absolutely love playing a faire there because they children just ROCK. They are so into it, so imaginative. Seeing them light up over a person in a fairy costume and thinking not "Oh...Hey look, a person in a fairy costume", but "Hey mom! A fairy" instead really makes me giddy, and also gives me a lot more faith in children today. I typically see most kids today as those that would rather be sucked into the television or a video game instead of playing outside and using their minds to make fun. Yup, this weekend is forever endeared to me. <3

from rhondarubard :

Thank you so much for the note! I really, really appreciate it! Take care!

from our-views :

Your review is complete. Good job! It can be found here: http://our-views.diaryland.com/030520_94.html

from melieann :

wait a minute, i have to go back and read your diary from BEGINNING. is greg gay???? okay, your were right about the 3rd tatoo. but it's gross. i designed it myself and told the guy the put it on my upper shoulder. doesn't that mean your BACK? of course, i was LOADED when i had it done so didn't notice he put it right on the top of my ARM. GROSS. but, i have this great way of ignoring things i don't want to see. try it, it works. if i don't like it, it isn't there. so, i have TWO official tattoos. LOVE every word you write. so glad i found you. melanie

from melieann :

please send that MEAN DOG to me! read today's entry and you'll see why. we have a HUGE yard and i promise i'll feed it 20 times a day to get it even meaner. i want a dog who will tear the entire leg off anybody who sets foot in my yard. lovingly, melieann (aka melanie)

from redshoegirl :

Hey A, signmyguestbook just lost two of my messages!! In a row!! Pah pah and pah. So frustration has overcome all the nice things I was saying. Love you chick, hope the sky brightens soon xxx

from heavenlyging :

Three days of school left? What kind of schedule do you have - many holidays? do you begin in September or earlier? That's pretty cool that the year is almost over!

from youscareme :

This is Misty from Tainted Views. We are definitely still looking for reviewers. I have all of the necessary parts of application on the front entry. Just do the review of the diary linked there and email that, along with a short bio, diary link, etc., and email it to me at [email protected]. Thanks for your interest.

from quitenasty :

Your review is complete. Congratulations!

from z0tl :

you will forgive me for not comprehending how the life of a vivid dreamer can be unremarkable :z

from slashrgrrl71 :

Thanks for the note! I have HBO, but with one telly in the house, it makes for very tight television time. Thanks for reading, and I'll try to make it worth the while. :-)

from bionicgurl :

i'll try my best:)

from janebarbie :

Hi A.! I really like your diary; Its beautiful, and your writing is great! It is by turns humorous and touching, but always completely unique! :)

from therae :

Hey there! Receiving your message on my blog-board was a lovely surprise. I have greatly enjoyed the skimming through your blog that I have done. Yes, New Orleans does seem to be calling me. Hearing all of the lovely things from the Louisianna natives makes me more hopeful by day. I look forward to learning more of you through your diary! Faerie Dust ~Rae~

from opinionshere :

Hey Vividdreamer. Your review is up at opinionshere. Sorry I for the wait, and that I couldn't tell you sooner. The internet was down, and then diaryland wasn't letting me add a new entry. I like your diary a fair amount and will probably be back when I get the chance. Good luck. ;D

from liteningsyrp :

Hello. I stumbled across your diary and really enjoyed it. Enjoy the Chili Peppers. I may see them when they come to good ol' Oklahoma. It's very encouraging to find another liberal non-Christian, educated Southerner. It gives me something to look forward to in life. Heh.

from bionicgirl :

hi.hello.i just noticed that you have me listed as a favorite. thank you. i just skimmed through your diary and i love your writing. i don't use this diary for anything other than to host the story part of my actual diary which is bionicgurl. for the longest time i hadn't had a link to my diary on that page but i do now. i'll be back and back and back. -kat

from vividdreamer :

Leave me a message...if you wanna.

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