DiaryLand members area

oh, my Beautifullest of Beautifuls! i just wanted to say hi because i think of you at odd times. i can't promise i will stay long this time either but i'm here right now and i'm flipping through your thoughts because they make me smile.

from xnamehere :

why be sorry, love? you deserve a good spoiling from time to time.

from alethia :

Man. Where can I get a Universe like yours? Mine just gets drunk and sings 'The Piano's Been Drinking (Not Me)' at the top of its lungs until 3am every night.

from u-saved-me :

thanks for the key, appreciate it

from u-saved-me :

can I please have the key to the lock? miss reading you..

from darthuae :

can i have a password, por favor? x

from minstrelite :

Playful?? You'd think a mother would know that no girl/woman of any age needs to be called "fat" - but some parents these days tend to take their kids' side even when they're wrong. Weird the way she passed the buck back to you like that - it sounds like she was minimizing it. She didn't take this seriously enough, and that really sucks.

from alethia :

I cleaned a food court in a mall for a while. Once I saw a father take his (maybe) ten year old daughter to A&W. It was obviously a treat, and he told her she could get what ever she wanted. When the little girl said "Ugh...well...how many calories does a small Coke have?" he gave her a thorough horrified talking to about weight and metabolism and body image. I just wanted to find that girl's mother and give her a good slap (as I suspect that kind of behavior probably came from her).

from u-saved-me :

I want to scream DON'T TRUST HIM, and GET AWAY FAR FAR AWAY NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS... but that may just be my own issues rearing their ugly heads... or maybe boys that can't keep their fucking promises don't deserve your heart. Or anything else. Or anyone else. Argh. It enrages me that they have a good thing, they know they have a good thing, and they purposely fuck it up anyway. What is WITH that??

from alethia :

It's cool. Emotions make us do weird things (so does gin, incidentily). I hope everything turns out lovely, and I'm glad he's sticking around to talk about it.

from alethia :

Erg. Sorry about that. Rosie + gin = drunk emailing. Or note making, in this case. What I meant to say was: Chin up. They're not all dicks what will leave. Sometimes there's perfectly good explanations.

from alethia :

Don't be a tit. Everyone has a little bit of feelings for every one of their exes, and if they tell you they don't, they're lying. I still love each and every one of my exes, even the ones that cheated on me, but I will never, ever get back with them.

from randomousity :

Thank you, for Sunday, Oct. 24, 2010 | 9:02 a.m. I'm an Amanda too. And it's what I've always needed to read. I would like to keep it, just as a personal Mantra, if you don't mind. But I hesitate copying it to my desktop at all. So I'll ask permission first. Thank you, for writing what I've always needed to tell myself.

from u-saved-me :

I have two kids, and man, I could use some adulthood. Half the time the inside of me is screaming "I don't wanna!". When you find your bit, lemme know, and I'll go look there for mine.

from alethia :

OH DUDE. You tell me where he is, and I'll hit him with a cricket bat. (I need to go on a man-bashing-cricket-bat-spree anyway. What's one more?)

from kyane :

I feel you on the Tuesday thing, darling. I am one as well, and am definitely the least graceful, classy or elegant person at all. My boy is a Monday child, "fair of face", which is so applicable in so many ways. Sometimes, it's good to be different, love.

from defaults :

happy birthday sweetheart.

from alethia :

Ah, it's been so long since I've felt that. I'm totally jealous, but at the same time, pleased for you. Rock it.

from shewholies :

You're a beautiful and incredible person. Everytime I stop by your diary, I am in awe of who you are.

from snakeandgirl :

I totally feel you on the Facebook thing. People are... Strange.

from xorbit :

Hmm. My mother had a stillbirth before me. It does feel odd, when you think about it (too much).

from lovestruck-0 :

Just read your entry from Friday night. Of course you're not going to readily accept others approval of your decision, because 2 1/2 years is a lot of time invested in a relationship, and you are instinctively looking for a push back in his direction.. separation anxiety or whatever.. But I have to say, props to you for having the balls and recognizing what you deserve, and for refusing to settle for less. Getting rid of that negative energy in your life is going to be such a huge breath of fresh air and a lot of weight off your shoulders. It may be hard to embrace it now, but you will be happy later. Keep pushing through!

from lapisllong :

*hug* you do't really need anyone to tell you it was right, but i figured i'd explain that "right" never equals easy. if something is easy, ever, look for the catch. oh, and anything free is worth what you pay for it...

from green-kiwis :

I know you're not looking for approval, but it was a big step you took, and you need to give yourself approval to take time getting over it.

from alethia :

Here's to moving forwards.

from xorbit :

Wow! I love your FAQ, and the way you write, and your layout (love love love monospace, I do), and this isn't an entreaty to read me or add me, but I'm adding you because I'm just so impressed. :) Cheers!

from minstrelite :

I'm leaving DiaryLand, and this is the last note you'll receive from me. I just wanted to say that you are in no way pathetic. You are admirable. You are the most admirable person I have met on DiaryLand. And you don't need a triathlon for you to change. You've already changed. I watched it happen. Just keep moving in the direction you're already moving. I'm doing my best to move in that direction myself. Take care.

from minstrelite :

They're totally mental (no pun intended.) I had a coach tell me once: "You don't train the body. You train the mind." That stuck with me. I think it also accounts for how we sometimes run our best times while we're running with a partner, and even carrying on a conversation. The intellect, with all its hesitations, hang-ups, head-trips, worries, fears, doubts, and so forth; can really stand in the way of the body's natural ability to do that which it is fully designed to do. I'm proud of you.

from minstrelite :

That's a drag about having to fix your chain three times, but good on you for finishing - to run a full 10-K after all that must be a terrific feeling!

from minstrelite :

Well...thanks for the account. Talk to me if you need to. Not sure if you ever read my own 1/2 marathon recounting, I changed passwords so many times. If you did, I'm sure you'd have found it most entertaining, with a maudlin twist here and there. Anyhoo, there are no losers in running. Every runner presses every other runner forward. It's the only sport that's win-win-win-win-win. Remember that. I owe my life to it, kid.

from kyane :

Miss you too, dear. Also, I tried to find you on Facebook one day, but searching "Amanda in California" yielded a few too many results... Email me the dot std at gmail dot com and I can give you my full name and location, and vice versa.

from snakeandgirl :

Your latest entry about Las Vegas makes me remember why I fell in love with you initially.

from minstrelite :

Can't wait to see more. :)

from minstrelite :

That was frickin' brilliant. Good luck there.

from sorrowshadow :

we feel unwanted where we are, but actually somebody does want us; we just never realize it. *hugs*

from minstrelite :

I woke up thinking it was morning, guess I can't run for another five hours - damn! Anyway, yeah, good luck in San Jose. Eager to hear about Las Vagas. Did you ever read my race account? My password has probably changed.

from minstrelite :

Have you run the race yet? You mentioned having come back from Vegas. But I guess you'd have said if it was the race. Anyway, I just caught up with you, and I'm glad you stood up to the medical staff person. Not an easy thing to do, but you should be proud. I decided to train for the San Francisco Half Marathon yesterday. I've got four months. Root for me.

from minstrelite :

I can hardly wait. Definitely staying tuned.

from minstrelite :

If your entries are any indication, you're in a great place in your life. It sounds like you're become a stronger and more inspired person all the time. And about the race track. can we meet on AIM, or just give me an email addy. I just don't like to put the user/pass in a Notes Arena, because a couple trolls that, while they're not my mortaal enemies by any means, they can be rather annoying.

from minstrelite :

Pardon the second intrusion. About two and a half years ago, I posted on DiaryLand an account of a half-marathon I ran. It's at http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/071103_97.html and if you would like to read it but do not have my password, just ask.

from minstrelite :

I think the hero was you, quite frankly.

from minstrelite :

"Miss Amanda" - how cute. :)

from samcorday :

so i'm going to say some thing overdone and prob. teeny-bopperish.......but OMG! i know exactly what u mean.....for me family and normal will never appear in the same sentence ....i really pray that i can give my kids a childhood devoid of drama, namecalling, and general misery

from acuteapathy :

honestly, i dont read your diary anymore. i got that quote from a diary that i just started reading today. whats your deal?

from tinktink13 :

I just wanted to say that I have the attention span of a goldfish, but sat and read almost all of your entries... very intrigued. Hang in there, this too shall pass, no?

from samcorday :

christmas wasn't better..just longer.....hope ur feeling better :)

from alethia :

That's exactly why you should *keep* writing.

from green-kiwis :

In fact, there are stages of defense mechanisms. The first, known as "pathological" dms, include delusional projection, denial, distortion and splitting. Next comes "immature", including acting out, fantasy, idealization, passive agression, projection, projective identification and somatization. Third, "neurotic" dms include displacement, dissociation, hypochondriasis, intellectualization, isolation, rationalization, reaction formation, regression, repression, undoing. Finally, the end goal according to Freud, were "mature" dms, including altruism, anticipation, humor, identification, introjection, sublimation and thought suppression. Long story short? Yes, progress.

from sorrowshadow :

then love thyself more. and be happy with it. *hugs*

from pamperedpuma :

Hey, this entry really made me think. I've gone through stages with Diaryland, more so when I'm at my worst. But it's always good to know it's still there and everybody on it will still be there for you (including me) when you need us :) Take care hunny, and good luck!! Cxx

from minstrelite :

Well said, my friend. May the wind be always upon your back, as you move forward. Take care.

from akeba :

Hi amanda stop by to say hello and to let you know that im still a faithfull reader.Sorry about what you are going through these days but i promise as smart as you are things will get better. Seems like you have found a group of friends(the hikers) that really care about you,and you do deserve it. Stop being so hard on yourself. 0kay

from minstrelite :

Something really great and positive is happening in your life.

from xnamehere :

fucking amen.

from kawaiinoir :

I stopped by your page for old time's sake... Only to find we are in the same place in our lives. Grief is supposed to be a pure purging of pain, but when it's tempered with guilt? Unsaid things to mom? Dad? My dad has always been "the bad guy," but I've found my mother to be more poisonous. I wonder sometimes if my mother (and yours, it sounds) have something related to Munchausen's Biproxy where the parent seeks notoriety for helping their children by harming them. Mom was always willing to witness the abuse, but she was there to comfort and clean up the mess after the fact. I hate her, but the biggest struggle is wondering whether or not she has the capacity to love me. Just some thoughts, disregard if irrelevant.

from robot-army :

I am glad you've got someplace. Re: how I'm doing - not so good, right now. Things are really rocky with Ron since I decided not to put up with his food addiction - it's getting way out of hand and I'm really scared for him, but he is angry that I'm trying to get him to get help. But things are going to be okay =] Everyone goes through rough patches, and we're no different. Other than the scary and awful stuff, how are you holding together?

from kyane :

I'm thinking about you, love. You're one of the strongest people I know. I'm so proud of you.

from robot-army :

Hey sug - if you need a place to stay, I have a spare room with an awesome couch made of matresses (seriously), and Ron and I know someone who needs a roommate. It's in the Contra Costa Area, but it's better than the sidewalk. Give me a call/text/e-mail/whatever - I'm here and always will be.

from minstrelite :

Thanks Amanda, I'm glad. I spent a while making sure I worded it carefully, so as not to be misconstrued. I'm rooting for you - stay strong.

from minstrelite :

Hey. I hope I'm not intruding, since we don't really know each other except for a few chats three years ago, when things were probably different. I just want to say that I think you're entitled to leave an abusive situation, you're an adult now, and basically if you stay at your folks place all you would be doing is co-signing their bullshit. I know you love them, but your love for them will be better expressed when you do the courageous thing - the right thing. Deep down your Mom knows the truth.

from svenhard :

i guess it's like having a literary stalker, at least they're not stealing your pants off the washing line. i think i'd like a literary stalker just so i've someone to flame and abuse via wordsmithing, after a relentless deluge of verbal bile i wonder if they'd stick around or would they go find someone else

from svenhard :

hi, just want to get this straight, according to your faq, you've been plagarised three times, so has someone rewritten your diary as if they had experienced the things you've done ? actually now i think about it someone did that to porktornado, how strange

from robot-army :

*(Incredibly big hug)* I love you and if you need anything, you can always call me.

from sorrowshadow :

I feel like that a lot of times too. I dropped a class once, because I was afraid it would be too hard. I dropped debating because i was scared to find out how bad i really am. sucks a lot, but wtf are we supposed to do?

from xnamehere :

yes, yes it does. but i admire yours.. along with your eloquence.

from green-kiwis :

i think i am having a scorched earth policy too, now that you mention it.

from defaults :

i think it's your birthday. have a good one. also, i apologise if i'm wrong. i have no idea where i got that idea from. if i am wrong, have a good sunday regardless.

from mystokryst :

The only clothes I buy now are in blacks and various shades of gray. It simplifies things. I can just figure out the right mix for whatever the occasion is. People tell me I'm a colorful enough person without having to wear colorful clothing on top of everything else. It would cause sensory overload.

from reckon-this :

*BIG HUG* Seems like you've been going through some shit recently, I can feel it bleed from the screen when I read what you've written... try to find the happy, grrrl, and don't take any shit from him -- better no man than settling for the wrong one.

from snakeandgirl :

she walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies; and all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes: thus mellow'd to that tender light which heaven to gaudy day denies.

from akeba :

hope you feel better Amanda!oh i loved your journal when you were 15 I think thats the one that I enjoyed the most..How in the world were you that smart at only 15 you should change your name to just amazin and leave the fuck up part out....

from dollydec :

by the way i dont know if you know the password to my diary, it's username 'barkdoll' password 'wisdom'.. its really so people i know can't read it lol

from dollydec :

i just really love your writing. :)

from dollydec :

i hate you. in a way. i really do.

from dollydec :

aw im in lets go

from dollydec :

do you have a social networking site?

from dollydec :

i bet you're beautiful.

from dollydec :

i bet you're beautiful.

from miseryfire :

I hope you know that I think you're beautiful. I've been reading this diary of yours for years now (crazy) and I also feel like I know you and I know that you're not some ugly giantess. Your words and thoughts are beautiful. You create beauty and make me think about things differently a hell of a lot of the time. Stay strong and stay beautiful.

from for-tart :

How to define a six foot tall female: Two feet of stamina, needed for the grind of life. One foot of wit, to make others smile as the sun travels across the sky. One foot of daring, which can turn any heart. One foot of intelligence, to converse with the world. And one foot of desire, which makes life worth living.

from akeba :

amanda,if you ever need someone to talk to email me. I know you dont know me but after reading your journals for so long now i kind of feel like i know you. You kind of scared me with your last entry and im concerned for you>>>[email protected]

from sorrowshadow :

somebody loves you. somebody admires you. somebody envies you. somebody wished she/he could change place with you. somebody prayed about you, for you. somebody wants you. someday, you'll meet somebody =] cheers girl.

from kyane :

Aw hon. I feel for you. I know a lot of hotties who would be willing to be a rebound for one lovely lady such as yourself. I will throw you a party, we will get snookered and, while things suck, the only sucking going on that night will be the enjoyable kind!

from green-kiwis :

Ah, we all do it. By the way, I really still like reading you, dunno if you knew that.

from amazinfuckup :

Akeba--your notes are turned off so I am writing you a response here. Thank you so much for your kind words. I put off writing you this note because I didn't (and still don't) have words to express how happy your note made me. Thank you so much :).

from akeba :

Hi I already wrote you a note once but I wanted to write you another to tell you that you should really consider being a writer. I find myself wanting to read your journal everyday. Its kind of like reading a book that keeps you interested when you have no idea why your so drawn to it(no offense)but its like you have such a unique way of keeping your readers drawn to your entries. I dont know if its because of your interseting views on life and people or the fact that you make me laugh with your sarcasim either way I cant stop reading. I started out reading your present journal which I finished and now Im going backwards, because i have read when you were 19 and 18 and now Im on 17 and I still keep laughing and being so curious about your life. I find it amazing that you take the time to write about your daily dilemmas, depressions,happy times,theories,etc. Please keep writting because even though I dont know you personally Im drawn to your life and im not so sure why....Thank you for keeping my mind occupied when Im bored at work...Akeba

from cached :

I can relate to your heart's prayer... Good luck, hon.

from sorrowshadow :

im twenty three, and i've always been afraid of men, like they are all wolves. he's a caring guy, and i dont know there would be another guy like him for me. im reluctant to end 'us', but i am always tempted by the possibility of greener grass on the other side. or maybe just the fun that awaits. man, i've no idea what to do.

from sorrowshadow :

I think im in a shittier position. Im the one who needs some growing up to do. He's got a job, noting much right now, but he has a goal, and that is to get out of the country with me so he can marry me. But me, im not so sure. He's my first boy, my first relationship, but im not his. I feel like I wanna go around the field and play too, though that is not my nature per se. =] i sound like a real bitch, huh?

from sorrowshadow :

is Veil your bf? why did you choose to separate from him? I'm not just curious, i really want to know. im at a point where i dont know if i should separate from him for a while, because im afraid i will lose him for good if i did. but at the same time, im not sure if im clutching on to him just to feel safe.

from akeba :

Hi I love to read your journal its so unique and very different from the others

from kawaiinoir :

Still eloquent as ever. Hope all is tolerable <3

from kyane :

You could be a Canamerican! Or an Ameradian! Or something along those lines. But you will always belong in my heart. :P

from lilavo :

I don't know if you care for other people's opinion in this matter (whether to pursue a career in special education) but I want to express my support anyway. I feel that people nowadays are sometimes too concerned about their psychological health. Maybe it's not because you love broken things, it's because it's something you can do well. For example I cannot picture myself doing it. I don't have a way with children let alone children with special needs. Who should teach them if not the people who are capable of doing it?

from msjessica :

yes.

from xxplaydeadxx :

Yes, you're still a good person.

from miseryfire :

17 POUNDS??? What the fuck???

from coldandgray :

Glad you like the book. Sorry about your dad. Sucks bad. Mine cheated, too, but I only found out about it in a confession after her death. Nice.

from robot-army :

I am so sorry, my love. You know where I am if you need a shoulder or an ear or any thing at all.

from the-prude :

some people just want an ego boost, some people are just attention whores, some are just horny and bored. We can never say we fully understand the relationship between our parents. I have given up on trying to understand my parents relationship, and if the other has the right to be doing what they're doing or if the other deserves it. If they even deserve each other.

from coldandgray :

hey sweet sweet. thank you for the interest in the book. I am sending you an email about it now from colleenfalling.

from miseryfire :

It's alright, last time I counted I was at about 23-24 people. About 5 of them are girls. We all have our fun and kiss fun people =) Are all things okay with you and the boy? Your entries have been sounding very unhappy.

from errantnights :

Actually it's like apple juice but with a million dead mosquitoes floating in it.

from errantnights :

Does the boy read this?

from sbellem :

I hands down LOVE this post

from sorrowshadow :

I think marriage is much like a catch-22. You get married in a haste, and you might wound up in an unhappy marriage. But even if you get married after like, 10 years, who's to say the marriage will last anyway? Maybe it will. Maybe it wont. What the fuck makes a good marriage? They teach us all about algebra in classes; they never told us how to survive in the one of most important relationships in life.

from reckon-this :

On your previous entry about being burned out with school... Amanda, the fact is that you are a very intelligent person that educates yourself independently and knows how to integrate what you learn into your own thought processes. That's rare today. The greatest challenge for someone like you in college is not the course work itself -- it's finding a way to make the course work matter to you, rather than boring you out of your skull. Hang in there!

from reckon-this :

Okay, so one day, we have to sit in rocking chairs together and knit with all our freaking grandchildren and croak about, "Remember when we were depressed and made lesbian jokes all the time?"

from gigantor21 :

Welcome to hell--or "real" college. We hope you enjoy your stay! Seriously, though, I know exactly where you're coming from. I actually like the subjects I'm taking this year, but I still clamor to get out of there every day. It was the same at Geneseo, too.

from gigantor21 :

Yes, Amanda, I fully agree. This woman is nuts to think she can have 14--FOURTEEN--kids with no job, no spouse, and no support from her own fucking mother, just because "she wants a big family". All of those kids, who'd fill up my first grade class, are fucked. It is incredibly selfish. Oh, and another "fuck you" to the doctors that let her do the treatments twice--the first time might've been an honest mistake, but not the second.

from reckon-this :

Hey, for me, blunt truthiness IS soothing. That's the problem with Army Boys, I guess -- too repressed to talk about anything head-on.

from dollydec :

i am absolutely in love with you and your writing; would you let me pay for premium diaryland for YOU? you make remember that there IS BEAUTY in the world.

from robot-army :

I am nearing alright. I didn't even know I was pregnant until it happened. Miss you, though, love. xo

from kyane :

You've already helped. I was randomly browsing through your entries and I came upon one from August 19th, 2004: "If you really want to get back at somebody, be kind to them. They'll wonder if their actions against you were justified, and you'll get to know that you were a better person than they." And that's how I will get my revenge on him.

from miseryfire :

Holy crap! Mine is too today! January 23rd, a year too! Hahaha. Though my bf is making jokes about "it's not officially a year until 2:30 p.m." but yeah :-p

from miseryfire :

Big day on Friday? Anniversary or what?

from sorrowshadow :

i dont think you're getting weaker just because you believe in god again. maybe it's just that you've found faith. not exactly a bad thing. im still looking for it.

from kyane :

... Engaged?

from gigantor21 :

LOL no problem. I'm glad to help. :)

from minstrelite :

I've not been following you, but I just read the last five or ten entries or so. I think God is strongest when we are weakest, at least in our subjective perception. God probably does not change, but when I am "strong," I don't really notice Him. Unfortunately, due to my bravado, defense mechanisms, and so forth; I am strong most of the time. This is what makes people see me as a "survivor" - you are probably seen this way, too, Amanda. But sometimes I think I ought to be weaker, at least in the sense of more flexible, open, teachable. The universe is indeed malevolent, which is why we develop survival tactics to begin with. But I think it's when we let go of these that we realize there's still a benevolent power amid it all. Hm - I'm not sure if this makes that much sense, or if it applies - but it's what came up for me, in reading you.

from gigantor21 :

I see nothing weak about wishing well for the child or his parents. They've all been through enough. If anything, I'd be pissed if you held that "OMG HOPE IS FOR WEAKLINGS" mentality--like you said, you need to believe that things are working in the child's favor. You can do it however you want.

from reckon-this :

Dude, I totally think your hash goblet rationalization is logical. I mean, it would be a sin NOT to smoke it.

from gigantor21 :

I agree. But that's why I think we should focus on making things better, instead of placing arbitrary optimism into the end of the year. To quote The Reader (which I haven't seen): "Go to the theater if you want catharsis."

from reckon-this :

Good luck with school -- when I left my two-year and started at Washburn, I was calling it "big girl college" too, so that made me giggle. :) I think you will be an awesome mother -- people that have felt misunderstood and isolated, in my opinion, tend to be the best at understanding kids. Maybe it's because kids are almost always misunderstood -- or maybe it's because us fuckups have learned not to judge by appearances. If/when you end up teaching, I'd bet money that you will be that teacher that changes kids -- that ONE that will reach out to the kids nobody else gets, and helps them see just how fucking precious they are. Our education system needs more people like you.

from gigantor21 :

That sentiment, IMO, is the most sexist idea still prevalent in modern society. I, for one, prefer the idea that women can contribute to society whether they're baby pumping machines or not. I don't get what's so radical about that way of thinking.

from gigantor21 :

What bothers me just as much, if not more, is this "childbirth fetish" people have. I hate how women who don't want kids are "batty old dykes" (excuse the language), while women with a dozen kids are lionized (and get their own TV shows). It pisses me off.

from freakishlona :

i think you write so beautifully. i don't how you do it. always wonderful to read.

from reckon-this :

I find the idea of you getting all clucky over babies to be absolutely adorable. We've both gone soft, haven't we? :)

from reckon-this :

What pisses me off the most about stickers and bracelets and crap that "spread awareness" is that it just seems to me like egotism -- like people are saying, "Look at how wonderful I am for giving to this cause." It's more about them than helping others. That's worse to me than the people who plaster their cars with Jesus crap -- although, I've noticed ribbon-wearers and cross-bearers are often the same people.

from reckon-this :

I totally love and agree with your views on the pink ribbon-esque "awareness" crap. People seldom seem to realize that "non-profit" organizations are actually incredibly profitable for the people involved. And, incidentally, those fucking rubber bracelets are stupid AND bad for the environment.

from reckon-this :

hey grrrl! it's sarah, formerly softplaces (a jillion years ago)... i'm back on good ole dland, look me up!

from robot-army :

With you. *(giant hugs forever)* Miss you, hon. xo

from gigantor21 :

Yeah, I read about that, too. Didn't surprise me, given the nature of the death and the motive, but it's still disgusting. Also, I really liked your latest post.

from kawaiinoir :

Yeah, I don't qualify for financial aid either. My dad is bipolar and spends all his money on bass boats and firearms. It's a fucking travesty.

from robot-army :

I LOVE YOU. xo

from robot-army :

Of my boy? Oh dear =[ He is wonderful, I just get very, very insecure about things. He does everything he can to make me feel like I am the most wonderful person on the planet, I promise. I love you too, my dear. *(big kisses)* xo

from errantnights :

23 days later, my response: i am glad.

from sorrowshadow :

good luck girl =]

from lapisllong :

i missed this place, your voice, the way you say so much with so few words. *hug*

from befuddled21 :

I hate those leashes too. I also hate how parents let the TV raise their children. I mean my parents let us watch tv but not for hours.

from emperorincxt :

silencer by mewithoutyou.. i fuckin love that song..

from chalkstain :

intermission by nine black alps. heartbeats by jos� gonz�lez. ocean by the john butler trio. i'm not sure if thinking 'FUCK' every time i hear these songs fits the criteria, but this is me trying.

from miseryfire :

Summer Skin- Death Cab for Cutie Many DCFC songs are like that for me.

from achmardi :

The Wanderer by Emperor. It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever encountered, and I associate it with epic, wistful love. People tend to post youtube videos of it with majestic nature scenes, like forests and mountains. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdapXehEEv4

from robot-army :

I think it's called In The Hall of the Mountain King - not a damned clue who it's by, but it's incredible. xo

from green-kiwis :

"Anywhere Is" by Enya. That one definitely does it for me!

from m0nique :

Bitter sweet synphony by the verve

from summerxxlove :

"What I want is everybody who reads this entry to post one song that is alive for you. One song that makes you really feel, that makes you sit up in bed in the morning and go, "Today is going to be a good day. Or a bad day. Or just a day. But who gives a fuck because I am alive and I am feeling and that is amazing." Please. " ..there are way too many to list, but I know exactly what you mean :)

from errantnights :

Los Campesinos - We throw parties, you throw knives

from gigantor21 :

Yes, the Church's original view makes a lot more sense. It's a damn shame they gave it up.

from kawaiinoir :

I went through your FAQ for old time's sake and it was so fucking entertaining. You rawk.

from kyane :

You're an inspiration, hon. And this is coming from someone who wants nothing to do with kids. <3

from kawaiinoir :

World, you are officially ON NOTICE!

from coldandgray :

You are an amazing and rare breed.

from gigantor21 :

I have an equally illogical fear of spiders. It doesn't help that they're constantly laying siege in all our shrubbery--I've walked into webs just stepping out of the door sometimes. Which sucks. :p

from sorrowshadow :

Oh dear, i feel like that too. Though I never try to consciously destroy it, what I do, the preparations I make for myself when it might be destroyed, somehow that ends things... or it makes it feel like it.

from chalkstain :

it would take you to go and make that much sense.

from kawaiinoir :

heaven is death. that is fucking amazing. i guess i never thought of it that way... but it's so true.

from coldandgray :

Luck. Some people have it and some people don't and there is nothing you can do about it.

from chalkstain :

kids, eh? what a laugh that would be. no, really.

from kyane :

That's what the new NIN is. No vocals. It really reminds me of The Fragile, my favourite album of theirs. It's the perfect album to mellow out to, even when you're sick, like me. It feels like the ebb and flow of your heart, your blood, your thoughts... It's lovely.

from kyane :

Still around. Heard the new NIN album yet? Glad you're not in jail. I dunno what I'd do without you. Miss you.

from bi-pet :

i've been reading through your diary all night long.. it's so sad and beautiful..

from coldandgray :

looks like you are off the hook.

from coldandgray :

I have body disposal dreams, too. What does it mean?!?!

from gigantor21 :

o_0 The plot thickens exponentially!? OH SHI-

from coldandgray :

Oh oh, you are going to the big house! Good luck with getting a good court date. HI!

from myheavyheart :

you deserve so much more than you allow yourself to have. =(

from gigantor21 :

Agreed. That piece of shit has laughed at the victims, in all his pious arrogance. That, and his claims, revoke his right to live.

from lapisllong :

oh, beloved... this is shitty and it is ok to cry. when you get all full up of frustration, let it overflow. when you are done, wash your face, move on and flip them all off if they give you any shit.

from coldandgray :

dear amazin, you are so cool with your life guardness. thanks for checking in. the baby is great. he is in my arms now, thus the one handed typing. i go back to work in less than a month, boo hoo. so i will be back on the internet more then and can catch up with the world. sending you love and kisses. -c

from sorrowshadow :

I think it's because we all have an inherent need of being needed. A child will always need us, and they will always be sincere and whatever they feel and say, it's real. Then they grow up and it's a different game. And when we feel like being used, we become needy instead. Need, want, need, want. The whys and the constant inner conflict. It's all just too fucked up isnt it?

from m0nique :

Hi. I have been reading for a while now. Just wanted to say thanks for making me look for the good in life too. M

from lapisllong :

i started you a note, but instead, i wrote you an entry... http://lapisllong.diaryland.com/afu_note.html

from shotvodka :

I'm sorry, I know I've not been writing much recently but inspiration has failed me of late. I've always been reading, though. I think your writing has become even more beautiful... something which I didn't think was possible, in all honesty. I'm really sorry about your best friend. Sometimes the people that matter let us down when it matters most. :( Like countless people below me have said, I'm here for you. I know that's not the same, nowhere near, but it has to mean something. Happy New Year, love. x

from lapisllong :

well, i know i'm not much consolation but i'm still here. i'm always here. =)

from miseryfire :

haha i love how drinking would be less damaging to your liver, not boys. and yes, it'd be nicer if internet people were closer. then i'd have a crowd of people to enjoy tonight with.

from miseryfire :

you're definitely not alone. i woke up to a message back saying "okay... i've missed you too..." and we're trying to "rebuild" our friendship. yet there's a girl that asked him to a dance at our school (sadie hawkens type shit) and he used to like her and all that. so i'm still waiting. trying to win his heart back. life without guys would be easier, let's just drink instead.

from miseryfire :

my best friend and i had a falling out. and now are also barely speaking. and i'm trying to put the pieces of us back together. so i'm there with you. saying that i'm fine even though all i'm doing is staying up until crazy hours, barely sleeping, and hoping he'd call or come back with the word "love" on his tongue. can only hope 2008 is the lucky year?

from girl101 :

let's just always say yes to life

from errantnights :

i am here

from painted-eyes :

Yeah, it always helps to hear another person reconfirm that you're thinking the right way...I don't know what I want to do, but now, I've had three people recommend the same college to me, so when I go back to school, I've got an idea of what I want to go into and where.

from painted-eyes :

Uh, duh, Amanda, I don't think it could get anymore obvious unless you had a neon sign with an arrow pointing down at you that said: FUTURE TEACHER above it. BE A TEACHER, DAMMIT, or I might just beat you up. Or something. I might just sulk. And a child will cry. Even if I have to pay said child.

from befuddled21 :

Hey I was just reading your last entry and I really can see you as a preschool teacher. I work with 3-5 year olds now and I love it and even though I don't know you I feel your entries show you have an awesome talent and the heart for it :)

from painted-eyes :

Yeah, I know what you mean. Keep in mind that sometimes with students (I know you're just his swimming teacher and his parents sound amazing), you can have more of a positive impact than the parents do.

from painted-eyes :

Wow, sounds like another powerful moment between the two of you, I am so glad that you met him, it sounds like he has the potential to help you as much as you're helping him....corny? yeah, but true.

from painted-eyes :

God, I hope so. Sometimes, I worry though, but I guess it'sjust human nature to worry.

from painted-eyes :

so i totally love how family says they'll love you unconditionally...my family says they show they love me by taking me back after i tried to leave...even though they bring it up all the fucking time. i can't wait to have a family and love my children no matter what. unless you know, i fuck it up worse than my parents ever did.

from sorrowshadow :

no, it's as amazing as you've already gotten. I really admire you for what you're doing for those kids. :)) cheers.

from errantnights :

Good.

from azzweepay :

Doesn't that lit cigarette thing kind of hurt?

from befuddled21 :

I'm sorry to hear about you mom. I hope everything works out in the end. But on a lighter note I'm glad your job is making you so happy. I hope I find something I love doing as much as you. :)

from errantnights :

good

from miseryfire :

I'm so, so sorry.

from painted-eyes :

Yay. Let's hope that does the trick!

from painted-eyes :

Not to sound lame, but I'm really sorry. I hope they can zap her cancer with chemo. :(

from errantnights :

I've never been somewhere during the christmas-new year week that it didn't snow.

from painted-eyes :

Why would that be the last healthy thing your mom says to you? Just being nosy.

from errantnights :

Does it snow where you are?

from emperorincxt :

hm well, even if you dont take the risk of being a negative impact (because I can totally understand that fear, as I feel it every day with my daughter) by just being a good instructer you will have a positive influence on the kids, building their confidence and whatnot (which I tend to think is the cause of a lot of things in high school and beyond, as I have little to no confidence and it shows in my decision making abilities) you may not always be there for them for the rest of their lives but you play a part in moving them towards being confident people that can walk away from a bully unscathed, or viceversa, can handle their expression of anger.. who knows, maybe a difficult kid in one of your classes will grow up to use swimming as a way to blow of steam.. you know, regardless of how his actual lessons went.. apologies, this little input box makes me babble..

from painted-eyes :

It's just a suggestion-you obviously don't have to take it, but I'm pleased that you're open to the idea.

from painted-eyes :

I know what you mean, I was actually considering teaching, but I prefer one-on-one as opposed to a big group setting, which is why I decided against it. Plus, the faculty I was working with freaked me out, to be honest. I'm not about to pressure you, but I'm sure there are classes in whatever school you're going to that offer ways of handling your anger when dealing with kids. If they don't, they should. Anyway, stick with what your heart says...or your gut. :P I'm too psycho to be a psych major, but I thought of that too. I want to have a job where I know I help people. But for right now, Macy's it is. I guess I'll help people pick out which X-Mas ornament looks cute? =/ Meh. Whatev. I need a paycheck.

from emperorincxt :

maybe its not your place to teach them how to be whole, but you CAN be that teacher, the really good one that the kids remember for the rest of their life, that taught them more than the lesson.. more than just how to swim.

from painted-eyes :

Did you ever think that you should go into education? I could see you being a really going special education teacher and helping students with things like autism or learning disabilities.

from gigantor21 :

Heh, don't worry about it. I think I'm especially hard on them for several reasons--mainly, that their "kindness" really DOES seem hollow compared to other people I know. I'll elaborate on that further in my blog, like, right now. And thanks for understanding. :)

from gigantor21 :

*sigh* It was supposed to be satirical, but...ah, hell. I think it goes beyond base immaturity; most twelve-year-olds are much more socially inclined than I am. It�s a basic personality flaw, I think--and I'm sick of beating myself up over it. I've already tried "going out" several times, and I've enjoyed it less and less each time. Egotistical and selfish as it is, I'm not going down that road again.

from snakeandgirl :

we'll re-write this movie, make it end like we want it to...

from gigantor21 :

People shouldn't be pushing their shit on you so much anyway! You're not certified yet, for fucks sake! I'm surprised you're just bringing it up now, if anything!

from gigantor21 :

You're preaching to the choir, buddy. I mean that in the most sincere way possible.

from gigantor21 :

Yeah, giving up on a whole genre because of the popular stuff is ignorant. If that were the case, then I'd only listen to jazz. There is a good amount of newer stuff under the radar that I do like, such as the Roots, Nujabes, J Dilla Jay Dee, and the like. Plus, you have 25-30 years of rap to fall back on. There's no excuse.

from bantenhut :

Oh my gosh, I just read the first part of Oct. 10. I hope you're not being abused. Good luck.

from gigantor21 :

Trust me--you'd be an indolent virgin too, if your school was riddled with ugly, boring and fail.

from unavowed :

this makes me smile.

from miseryfire :

Well you're beautiful, so stop feeling so damn ugly! <3

from kyane :

Happy almost legal Saskatchewanian drinking age, you big dork! Come up here and I'll buy you more drinks than you can hold!

from xxplaydeadxx :

That's so sweet. I love sweeeet little kids. They're so pure, so loving. So blissful. Don't wish you could be like them? I do...

from hadassah :

I love your way of expressing you.

from sorrowshadow :

i'm so happy for you. some of us are still looking for something meaningful in what we do. :)) cheers.

from miseryfire :

Hahaha "enjoy your food", that's brilliant. You crazy nymph.

from azzweepay :

No noodles?

from dimstar :

Omg, that is hilarious! I am sorry your bf went to sleep on the couch but wow! Take care honey :)

from errantnights :

First of all, what?

from dimstar :

Everyone needs a break sometimes. Try and take one for yourself. ((hugs))

from lapisllong :

hey, if you just wanna sit and you don't wanna do it alone, there are plenty who can sit quietly with you. i promise that there are people with no expectations.

from coldandgray :

You gotta be you, baby.

from errantnights :

when do you go to work on thursday? I guess i will visit you for five minutes and then move on. :\

from errantnights :

also, you can make me anything you would like, i just figured one cd would be a good thing to have

from errantnights :

i was thinking of leaving here next monday or tuesday (20th/21st) and going to seattle for a day or two, then portland, then there.. so that thursday or friday, probably. or saturday.

from miseryfire :

The Janitor entry, the ex boyfriend turned new boyfriend again? Or is this the Best Friend?

from miseryfire :

Oh yes, alcohol for all! No worries about a messed up fetus. =)

from errantnights :

Ok, I am going to stop by on the condition that you make me a cd for listening to on the way to L.A.

from miseryfire :

Ahhhh definitely not weird, a non-pregnant party it is :)

from miseryfire :

Yay :) I got mine too. Boyfriend eh, well, hopefully it's better the second time around?

from miseryfire :

Hey there. Anything yet?

from errantnights :

Also, have you seen the movie 'Mirrormask'?

from errantnights :

Where in California? And, on the other thing: why?

from lapisllong :

*HUG* thank you for seeing. having been that child once, thank you for not looking away. *HUGS*

from momma-at-17 :

Wow. I wouldn't know what to do. **HUGS**

from lapisllong :

*loves* friendships last longer anyhow. they grow better, change and stay limber and agile being made of cartilage instead of fragile spun glass.

from miseryfire :

As long as you're happy :)

from miseryfire :

That's fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry.

from miseryfire :

what happened? why's he gone?

from miseryfire :

Yeah I know. Hopefully you'll get it soon. Lemme know when you do, it's scary to think that you might not.

from miseryfire :

I have time before I need to do that. I got period on the 3rd and so I will only get full-out-buy-pregnancy-test-paranoid after August 3rd (despite having an irregular period). What about you? How late?

from emperorincxt :

heh true, Ive asked a few things myself these past weeks, wondering if I ever will hear some kind of answer. But as long as god doesnt take my daughter back, I will tolerate whatever cosmic joke he wants to play on me.

from emperorincxt :

its not god, its that girl. eh, dont mean to judge her, but Ive known a few like that, all talk and teasing, but get them alone and they take it all back with tears in their eyes and make you feel like shit for believing what they flaunted in your face..

from miseryfire :

Wow. So... just... huh. Goes that far, yet "not into girls" and just... huh? I'm sorry. That's just, painful.

from errantnights :

i am from around denver! why are you going?

from azzweepay :

I liked the bonding through tequila.

from errantnights :

just say how to make it right and i swear i'll do my best to comply

from coldandgray :

I say wait a bit longer & then see how you feel. Flowers do not = getting some!

from takemychains :

"A God Thing." I like who I become when I am buzzed. I don't so much like getting totally intoxicated to the point of not remembering things, which has happened, but every "good" quality about me shines through even more when I'm drunk, and I'm happy and can conquer the world. It's just crazy that way I guess.

from snakeandgirl :

this party is old and uninviting, participants all in black and white. you enter in full blown technicolour, nothing is the same after tonight. if the world were to fall apart in a fiction-worthy wind, i wouldn't change a thing now that you're here. your love is a verb here in my room. you enter and close the door behind you, now show me the world as seen from the stars. i came here expecting next to nothing, so thank you for being "that" kind of girl.

from miseryfire :

You sound happy and beautiful :) As sketchy as it may sound, I'd love to see pictures of you. (not those kinds of pictures, oh you know!). Internet conversations sound so sketchy sometimes... Anyways, the Socks entry sounds great :)

from miseryfire :

I miss him too. There's always a someone. The someone you want happy, but you wish they were happy laying next to you in bed. It's like a bad movie...

from kyane :

I don't believe you've ever been drowning. Everything you've done that might have brought you down or obscured something has made you float above everything... You've always had a bird's eye view of yourself. It's inspiring to look up at the sky and know that you're somewhere up there, watching everything.

from miseryfire :

Ahh understood. And I'm still waiting for that book of yours to come out. I want to be one of the first to be able to read it :)

from miseryfire :

nothing new written in almost a week... it's sad. never realized I was so curious about your thoughts. hope you're doing well.

from kyane :

I can imagine the two of us let loose on an unsuspecting city. I really don't think they'd know what hit them.

from miseryfire :

I think we all want someone madly, desperately, insanely in love with us. It'd make life a bit more... alive.

from sorrowshadow :

me too, me too... just waiting for someone to care and love me... regardless of how fucked up i am.

from kyane :

This is all pretend, you know. It's all make-believe. Little girls in mommy's dress. Sooner or later, we will trip and fall. The lie will come to a crashing halt. You will feel as you once again. keep your mind inside your head / not slashed, not sliced, not leaked, not bled / for only you can unsay words already said / and no one can unsay from a person dead.

from nyriad :

That Someone Anyone... They will not affirm you. They will never fill that place. They'll be a semi-circle piece to your triangle-shaped gap. They'll be a summer dress in a blizzard. A personal Jesus will destroy you because the only one who can save you is yourself. Once you can look in the mirror and say, "I have a pimple today. I'll put concealer on it and not hate myself. I have a tummy. It's not a harelip. I have a big nose. It looks good on my face. I hate everyone... But they do not deserve me." Once you can tolerate your body, your mistakes, tics, habits... You can be free. I am getting there. Complete freedom is somewhat elusive. Happiness is a lifelong journey. There is not always a given destination. You'll not always want the same thing. Here's a hug for you. (( )) I love ya, Doll. -Amanda M.

from miseryfire :

From your past two entries, there's only one assumption that could technically be made and I'm not even sure who "he" is, but I do hope you're happy. It seems happy. Not sure how to phrase this, but I think you understand what I mean. :)

from breathelilac :

You're diary is raw. It feels surreal.. But, contradictingly.. Real. I used to think I've been through so much.. Now, I just feel sheltered. I'm going to read further into your diary.. I've only read a few, but, I won't give up on you. I hope you're well. xoxo

from thatgirlx :

Hey, no worries. And you know, I so would have talked to you if it weren't for the fact that 10pm your time was 12am my time!

from thatgirlx :

But but but.... Amanda! I wanna participate, but alas, I have no alcohol and the promise of work in the morning... :( Boo! Maybe next time?

from thatgirlx :

You continue to amaze me with each and every post, I honestly don't know how you do it. But I'm really glad you do. :)

from sbellem :

"Someone smarter would have realized that daffodils aren't like roses, that the petals are much thinner and wither and shrivel when they're taken out of water." Lovely writing my dear! You are getting better every post.

from xconfessed :

i found you and couldn't stop reading. people like you inspire me to write, something i lost so long ago. thank you. and don't ever stop writing. ps- added. i don't think i could've left your page without knowing i could find my way back.

from gigantor21 :

I can relate to feeling guilty about not wanting to be forgotten--trust me, I've been there. But while it may not make you feel any better hearing it from me, I honestly believe that everyone feels that way at some point. Petty as it sounds, I feel like there wouldn't be any point in my existence if there wasn�t a part of me that extends beyond my inevitably short lifespan. I think that�s probably the real reason that I update my diary�the internet will last much longer than I will, right? Then it will, too.

from kyane :

I can honestly say I'll try my best.

from miseryfire :

I miss August...

from cuttersblood :

beautiful.

from coldandgray :

I just read it now, so I am commenting now, but basically, Chewing is the best thing I have read in a long time and I read a lot of good stuff. You are truly exceptional.

from gigantor21 :

Non-sequtor porn is the best porn. I love it when they just cut the bullshit and have sex, since that's what we're watching it for.

from gigantor21 :

I think you should definitely ask him. You shouldn�t dick around with it if the way he touches you makes you uncomfortable�he doesn�t deserve that much leeway.

from kyane :

We're going to be copycat sisters / purple of mane and sharp of claw / short of stature and big of maw. <3

from miseryfire :

well this is me talking you out of it. just because... crying and calling people never particularly ends well. you proclaim your undying love, how you dream about picket fences and sandy blonde headed babies. things you'd prefer to keep quiet, at least until the next time you spill it out. by talking you out of it... go do something fun. go write, dance, scream, laugh, watch a movie, paint your nails, eat your favorite food, or pleasure yourself until you lose the feeling in your legs. yeah. i'm nuts and you don't even know me. =)

from thatgirlx :

And I don't think I could even begin to know how to respond that, but I'm sorry. I hope you're okay. I really do. ♥

from cheekyash :

amanda - you write what you want, whatever the fuck you like and so many people will stick to you, every fucking word. i think you probably (or most likely) already know this. but right now, i need something to stop my hands from fidgeting and the next best thing is to butter you up and tell you that you're fantastic. but it's okay, i actually mean it

from teacher-dyke :

dear you: i think that if we knew each other in real life, we'd probably be friends. even though you are wayyyyy younger. love, teacherdyke

from miseryfire :

Oh lucky you! And that hand slightly over head type lean is very sexy indeed. He won some points in my head as well. Moments out of movies... greatest of all:)

from coldandgray :

you would think he would be over that one by now...

from thatgirlx :

Thanksgiving at your house sounds a lot like Thanksgiving at my house. Except I'm usually just a casualty and never a mediator. Either way, I don't think this is how you're supposed to spend Thanksgiving, but you get used to it after a while... At least that's what I've been telling myself. Happy Thanksgiving. ♥

from painted-eyes :

Your diary is so fascinating...so utterly fascinating...you make every day sound interesting. Even if it is merely mundane to you.

from miseryfire :

you sound beautifully transformed. post a picture perhaps if you ever dye that hair? i'm glad you can laugh and eat and dream. as strange as that dreaming sounds. <3

from befuddled21 :

I loved your entry probably because I can relate to is so well. I�m still trying to not let certain people from the past ruin things I used to love.

from coldandgray :

I loved your dream, frought with symbolism, spooky and beautiful.

from onecutabove :

you're such a great writer

from thatgirlx :

You sound like me. I have a tendency to leave notes for people when I'm drunk. But don't feel bad, I probably never told you where I live. But eh.. Michigan. You live.. in California? Or I'm just confusing you with someone else? Hm.

from thatgirlx :

Hah! Yeah! I would totally be your drinking buddy! Good drinking buddies are hard to find, you know. Have you ever played Pass Out? I am like the Pass Out master. Or at least I used to be. Except when I'd go round and round without hitting the fucking 'light up' square (or was it a card?) I don't remember. And then I'd get pissed off and foreit so I could have a smoke. ;) Anyway, *hugs* And thank you. P.S. I still think your writing is fan-freaking-tastic. ♥ Cheers!

from coldandgray :

why yes, that does make me feel better actually, thank you. and every time I type in your PW, it makes me smile.

from coldandgray :

unpainted, clean slate, tape queen.

from miseryfire :

sadly, i heard it takes half the time you were with the person to get over them. i learned this isn't always true. but may it be easier for you. starting again is always beautiful <3

from cheekyash :

you're fucking amazing, did i ever tell you that?

from shotvodka :

Darling, being unsober is what allows you to open up. How are you? And in which way do you mean? Hope is all is well. xxx

from coldandgray :

"He gives me a piggyback ride and, under the night, laughing and jumping around, I'm starting again." Love that.

from braided :

That was very sweet. Don't delete it, your note of appreciation probably gave someone a very nice feeling too. Okay, that wasn't put very well, but still, that was very sweet.

from coldandgray :

Sitting on it is the least satisfying, but it tends to work the best.

from lilavo :

Hey, I know you probably don't care much what others think about your diary, I came to this conclusion by reading you, but I just wanted to say that you express yourself through words very well and I like your writing very much. You always seem to hit the right points to make your story vivid and to give the readers the chance to understand you best. Sometimes I've wanted to write something optimistic to you to cheer you up but I thought I'd interfere in things that are none of my business. And I also do think you don't seek the "everything's going to be alright, darling" reaction from your readers. Am I right? Or you do need someone to point out the bright side of life for you?

from rabbitwister :

Tomorrow may be better but it is six months after tragedy that life becomes real again. Best wishes in the journey.

from kommkayriel :

A tragic tale. I feel for you, my friend...

from youdontknome :

I added you, because I really could have written some of what you say. In fact, I might have sometime.

from coldandgray :

sorry, toots. divorce is harsh. Tomorrow WILL be better...or at least the day after that.

from l0stwhispers :

Sometimes, it's best not to expect much of others. Saves the disappointment and anger. Just know that, you aren't alone. =)

from asfastasican :

your writing makes me smile.

from dearkate :

i wonder why tragedies impress people so much...maybe it's the stregnth of the people that have to endure them. just a stab

from coldandgray :

Scary accident. Glad you are OK and that the cop made things better for you.

from amazinfuckup :

Fact. I'm not as creative as I'd like to think.

from dismaldays :

these entry... i cant tell if its fact ir fiction. either way they make for a good read.

from sweet-haze :

your newest entry sounds like a dream i had...is that weird or bad? i like the straight forwardness of everything and i like your profile and your favorite bands...

from thatgirlx :

My eighteenth birthday started out with illegal substances, a hotel room and a boy and ended with a fight and me, as always, in tears. It's a long story, but I'll save you the details. Anyways... i'll be writing here from now on, wiltedxdaisy is dead (for now.) Take care.

from coldandgray :

Happy legal day

from cheekyash :

i wrote something like that in english class once. my teacher told me that it wasn't writing. i laughed at her. she's just stupid. i know it's not your birthday 'til tomorrow but i'm tired and i'm going to bed now and i won't be around 'til late tomorrow. so happy birthday. or ecstatic birthday. or content birthday. or 'insert adjective here' birthday. just make sure it's good ♥

from coldandgray :

you are going to blow your english teacher away

from cuttersblood :

you write so beatifully.

from coldandgray :

Yes, you are a volcanic island. A smart, sophisticated, amazing volcanic island.

from wiltedxdaisy :

wow. that entry was just... wow. did i tell you you're an amaing writer? well, i'm telling you again... because you are. i know what you mean.. no one understands. to them it's nothing, when to you it's everything and so much more.

from befuddled21 :

I think the whole thing makes you weaker, letting someone change you is weak. The person who writes this diary and spills her soul would have kicked him in the balls.

from coldandgray :

I am going to psyche you out

from cheekyash :

something about the whole fucking world melting, something about that, just makes me want to laugh and feel that horribly sickening lovely feeling of knowing something more than the rest. just 'cause i heard it from you. truth be told, i'm probably just fucking broken. no shit though, that was genius.

from for-you-only :

Yeah, I do actually try to stick to one subject in an entry, just sometimes I just don't feel like it. And if I'm doing something I don't want to do for recreational purposes, does that make sense? heh. ~Phoenix

from for-you-only :

Your diary is so elegant. I had forgotten that somehow. Yeah, I try usually to stick to one topic. Maybe I'll lay out the week so that Monday's I write about my relationship, Tuesdays I write about something random, Wednesdays I write about work, Thursdays I could write about something sexual, Fridays I could write about Thursday in the square, Saturdays I could complain about my living suitation and bugs, and Sundays I could be theosophical and spiritual. How does that sound? Too bad I'd never stick to it. Anyway, I read your entry. Sounds like how my trip to NYC went regaurding Travanti. We had the best sex when I came back. ~Phoenix

from coldandgray :

Bitch, you better EAT! I would request a review, but I am TERRIFIED of you!

from coldandgray :

I took me right there, I could practically hear the sound of the flip flops.

from coldandgray :

Jesus, that is terribly SAD! Glad you made it back.

from dark-embrace :

Ha ha! Couldn't of said it better myself though of course i'll be one of those idiots which will line up when the third movie comes out on the big screen because I hate not knowing what happens next.

from coldandgray :

weird, I am going to be in BC tomorrow for a few hours, a spontaneous whirlwind. I am pretty sure you are not allowed to purchase drinks or smokes there, woman.

from coldandgray :

so sorry about your grandmother. They have made leaps and bounds with treatments these recent years. I will be thinking of you & your family.

from coldandgray :

"If humanity was lint, Wal-Mart would be a fiber brush." YES!

from for-you-only :

Something about you... makes me want to know you in person. You sound like the type of girl I'd want for a best friend when I needed one. ~Phoenix

from coldandgray :

You ARE a writer

from readthisline :

God I love your diary!! I've been reading it for weeks. And babe, i'm still here. xx

from minstrelite :

I see your point. Please accept my belated but heartfelt apology. Also, please feel free to delete those poorly thought-out statements of mine that you feel have been most potentially damaging to your business.

from makintoast :

I'm putting quotes in one of my diary entries, and I'd like to quote you a few times. Most are from the latest entry, and I wanted to know if thats ok. Please note me back and let me know. The entry isn't being posted on this diary name, but if you could, let me know on this name.

from miseryfire :

about this latest entry... I do not get along with my dad. And you basically summed up how I tend to feel about him each and every moment of the day, I can stop being friends with certain people, but I can't stop being his daughter. Which sometimes can truly be living hell.

from coldandgray :

It was not necessary for your dad to act that way. He is probably emotional, too, seeing you grown up so fast.

from coldandgray :

He's scared because you are too good for him

from cheekyash :

I have no bloody idea how the hell i've missed out on you all this time. Hope you don't mind me adding you. Jason's beautiful, really. And thanks for the comment ♥

from readthisline :

I just wanted to say that I absolutely love your diary, I've spent at least an hour here reading it.. hahha that almost sounds stalker-ish. I wanted to say thank you for the comment, you're right, I always get paranoid about making the wrong decision as I know it shall haunt me. lol Anyway, I've added you to my favorite diaries, I hope you don't mind.

from myheartfails :

yeah. we have had our differences. and its over. she was being a chav. thats all.

from myheartfails :

i dont care. james dean was awesome. and if this is your own little contradictive way of saying hello, then hows it going?

from luxelady :

hey thanks for the note - honesty is good but it takes a certain kind of bravery to be honest...i think getting that bravery is my first step....i've been afraid for far too long. xx luxe

from mistress2be :

They are all amazing. The only one that I dont like is the house on a hill. All of the rest are super wicked and I would even consider painting some of the little creatures on my wall, esp. the one with his chest and abdomen on display. Great Job. I wish that I had your talent.

from storms-faith :

hey, i read some of your journal, i enjoy reading it..i hope thats okay

from wndrfl2nyt :

i think they are just assholes. always doing something they think might make them look better, in return you sit back and watch and mutter to urself, "fucking asshole"

from gigantor21 :

That asshole...stealing your entries and ruining them...seriously, though, your diary is my absolute favorite, so something like this just drives me insane. Let's find his address and kick the shit out of him.

from xifyouknewx :

i think you should publish your most personal shit to the world. i think you'd make millions.

from darkpoet21 :

message me sometimes yahoo- [email protected] or msn- [email protected]

from gigantor21 :

You are an amazing writer. Plain and simple.

from virginears :

i love your mini story. it's amazing.

from vodkavases :

leaving a note that i d meant to leave earlier... when u posted that painting u did because of a song... when i read that post i had just gotten over my addiction to that song... i thought it was coincidental but i didn t figure you re the type for coincidences...

from virginears :

hey. i've been reading your diary for a looong time and i'm sry i never left a note. you're writing has a really beautiful quality to it and as much as may sound stalker-esque, i find your life really interesting. haha

from braided :

hey. I'm not sure why I've never left you a note before, I always felt like it. Now I did, because you suggested it. I like the way you write.

from sbellem :

Don't be too disapointed.

from tarynheart :

i've been reading your diary on and off for quite a while now. honestly, i'm not sure why i do. you remind me of me when i was thirteen, and normally that would make me cringe, but something keeps bringing me back. you're a pretty eloquent girl, which doesn't usually walk hand-in-hand with angst, and you pull it off well. sorry i didn't post a comment sooner.

from darkpoet21 :

ah, marry me. no, seriously. your writing makes me wanna come back for more and read it. even if i already read it a thousand times, it it still intrigues me to be humble, as if i can actually remeber everything that you write. you have a way with words, and you know how to manipulate them very well. kudos, kudos. so you cna look into my dairy which is darkpoet21.dairyland.com. and if you wanna contact me, my email is brokenstare@gmail, and if you have yahoo messenger, my screen name is jay_taylor81. Jamaal T p.s. can you add me to your favorite diaries, and can i be featured in on of your poems?

from freaketta :

You're like my twin. It's amazing And you're anatomy teacher is a dick. You should plan revenge;) -<3T

from dimstar :

Your anatomy teacher was an ass. You don't need him as your teacher.

from warcry :

Yeah. I Had The Same Issues With Some Teachers. You're Not a Failure. There Are Tons of Teachers Who Weren't Made to Be Teachers. So Don't Worry About It. You Do What You Have to Do To Get Your Diploma, Then your Degrees, Then Your Great Big Fat Salary. I know How It Feels to be Hurt So deeply By Words That Seem to Quick and Easy. You Think, "Wow, That Shouldn't Hurt Me." You Try and.. You Try Not to Cry About It. But it Comes Out. Because in the End, You're a Better Person for Crying. Because You're Beautiful, Gentle, and Compassionate. You'll Meet These Idiot Jerks Your Entire Life. It's What I was Told, and I Said, "Not Possible." It is Possible. But Trust, it Becomes Easier and Easier to Deal With. You'll Always Have Your, "I Wish I would've Said THIS and Done THIS and Killed... this.. Person" Or Maybe Not the Killed Part [Heh] .. You're Stronger Than You Think You Are. The Bullies Will Get Theirs. Until Then, You Stand Up and Fight It If You Can. And if You Can't, or Just Don't Have The Energy To, That's Alright, Too. And You're an Amazing Writer To Boot. So There. I Hope That Helps, Even a Small Fraction.

from acuttersedge :

from cheapvirtues :

all those you questions you asked about beauty and what it means, to yourself, to me, to everyone, according to societal standards? i ask every day. i know know i know i know.

from kickme-tryme :

I LOVE the Justice v. Chaos painting. That is really cool. The chest opening up like that kinda reminds me of some of the paintings by the artist Francis Bacon - if you arn't already familiar with his work you should look him up. I like your drawings.

from final137 :

Perhaps it's because they didn't want to use you.

from lisawithac :

if god were to look at his creation, and what's happened to his divine plan...basically that its gone to shit - perhaps he WOULD become suicidal. who among us could stop the world from ending then?

from manta-ray :

i agree with you. it is impossible to be good without being kind, and the essence of kindness is caring for other people. and since i think everyone can agree lying is wrong, it is impossible to be a good person while lying about the fact that you care.

from luminence- :

I'm pretty sure everyone does.

from lisawithac :

good entry. fuck you know, i stopped reading for a while because i stopped keeping a diary & i kind of moved away from it. but i missed you sweetie. i locked my shit up. if you'd like to keep reading, leave me a note and i'll send you a password. if not - thats cool. i'm gonna keep reading you anyway ;) bye girly

from elasticskies :

i love your diary. also im sorry i havent reviewed it. but just know that i adore the way you write.

from sanetwin :

I don't think the getting over depression thing is really something you just "do". Its a frame of mind. How do you choose to change your moods??

from dark-embrace :

I wonder if there is any truth in what you just said because if there is, then I am in for a distrustful and angsty teenager *L* Thanks for the low down though. Any other interesting tidbits you want to pass this way?

from moth-prints :

I thought I should mention I appreciate your writing. I mean, I really like your writing. It makes me think of what I am too scared to say.

from luminence- :

And you know what? (This is an uneducated guess from an ignortant bystander,) but you are quite the swell person. Dont let that damn angst take you over. ^_^

from nyriad :

you are not crazy.

from xifyouknewx :

wow, this is amazing!! i quoted some of your stuff in my diary because it's so good!

from thevictim :

good good point. i've been so slow to give up the biggest problem in my life, simply because it's become my life. too bad it's also destroyinbg my life...

from softplaces :

on cutting... i know i've been a silent reader, but i have to say those last few paragraphs seem to hit the nail on the head... i have never heard anyone describe that feeling quite so well. maybe you hurt yourself because, deep down, you really don't hate people as much as you think -- you just hate the way they make you hurt. and you don't really want to hurt anyone. so you hurt you, and feel a little more controlled -- because it's your hand that's doing it. you are beautiful, amanda, your insight and wisdom never fail to amaze me -- you're not going to be president. you're gonna be the dalai fucking lama of the U.S. ... and my baby daddy. er. momma. something.

from default-hell :

That condom thing makes me laugh.

from neutrons :

I would be so scared that once I grew up enough to sacrifice THAT MUCH for a child (something I can hardly imagine myself ever getting around to)that they would grow up and be a bad person. Not even necessarily a drug dealer or delinquent or what the fuck ever. Just. You know. Someone who hurts people. Someone who makes others cry, someone who lies, someone who is ungrateful, someone manipulative. . .

from direfeelings :

i say the same thing all the time, and you got my feeling exactly.

from softplaces :

As little as I care for the word "better" -- I think it has about has much realistic bearing on ANYTHING as "good" and "evil" -- you ARE better, Amanda. Why? Because I can't stand bitches, and most things that possess ovaries tend to piss me off. And WE are going to be lesbian monks. And, since I know, like, EVERYTHING, that must mean that you rule. Remember that, right now and at your age, you are smarter than just about everyone around you. They're still figuring out the whole emotion, love, learning to appreciate life ... just about everything. Try not to take it personally when they screw up.

from default-hell :

I like the way you write and I'm adding you to my list. I don't know why I'm assuming you care; I just thought I'd let you know.

from misssmitten :

"I suppose the bright side of this is that it is impossible for me to take anything for granted because I am constantly acting like I am about to lose it." The reason I like to read the diarys of others is because I enjoy knowing that others feel the same way I do.

from softplaces :

I love you, Amanda... reading through your words gives me the same feeling as floating, weightless, in a cool pool on a hot day... bliss and understanding and great love for you.

from surfinbyrd :

i may have just fallen in love with the way you write. and the things you say. i just spent all day reading you. and i'm at work. so that's productive. *smile* give me a skim sometime. i'd be honored.

from softplaces :

I think time is something people invented to prevent us from going crazy from the sheer immensity of it all. I think people are crazy little watches that tell time in a more-or-less regular fashion, though who knows how the hell they work, or what gear performs what function.

from offence :

"It's more like I choose to drown myself in the problems of those around me in order to give myself some sort of validation." I can totally relate to that. I'm guilty of it too. Isn't life cute? Ha, ha.

from ladyam :

you should publish a book for all of us who are dying to do the exact same fucking thing. :) by the way... i'd buy it; you're an amazing writer! ;)

from softplaces :

Halway through the first paragraph, my mental answer was, "Not only would I pick it up and pay for it, I'd buy it in HARDBACK." And I am one cheap bitch. That should be enough of an answer for you. GO FOR IT.

from neonheart :

thursday, december 16th 2004 <== this entry made me sob.

from kellipotamus :

I ran across your words and almost felt as if I had written them. And I know that we are probably nothing alike, except for the fact that there are people in this world that make us hurt more than we ever thought humanly possible. And everytime I find someone else that is writing like me I can't help but feel as if he is breaking my heart into sharp little pieces, all over again. And it make me sad that I am not the only one that feels this way. So, for what it is worth, I'm sorry that you have to feel this way, too.

from softplaces :

I was gonna argue your "victim is always feminine" by saying, "Victim is a state of mind." And then, I realized -- men don't HAVE minds. ...So, I guess you're right.

from amazinfuckup :

Deleted a whole bunch of notes. Anything following this note was written after November 24th, 2004. Just for reference.

from sanetwin :

I don't think I've EVER heard a girl say "love you" it's such a guy cop out. Guys think they can say that and they don't have to come out and say the full expression of love.

from softplaces :

I wish I could lift you up out of that highschool hell.

from acuttersedge :

I have been meaning to write you. Do you honestly realize the flare you have for words? I read your entries and its like I am-bam!-i am there, living it for myself. The emotion that screams from your writing is completely undescribable. Would it be wrong to say I am jealous? You will get over these speed humps, you won't believe me, but you will.

from rainbwlollie :

I'm sorry darling. But if you want to you can still read at http://www.livejournal.com/users/starglazed__/. Its not as emotional or nearly as beautiful, but hey, its something

from cottoncunt :

I sure do love you something big.

from front :

there are just far too many people concerned with only themselves. and yes, im guilty of it too. hell, nobody's perfect. ♥

from sanetwin :

The sad thing is, most of those people WON'T ever wake up and wonder what went wrong w/their lives. They will just blithely stumble on their merry way.

from neutrons :

you & me, we won't be unhappy one day. but until then we have words, clauses, paragraphs, an entry editor, and diaryland. i'd be there for you if i could

from rainbwlollie :

Its 2:30 in the morning and I just read ever one of your entries. and I think I love you. You are gorgeous. ♥Meghan

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