login | signup

Alter your diary

Your info

Other stuff

Diaryland stuff

messages to just-fine:
(click here to add new message):

from hibiscus101 :
i'm still kicking around as well
from anainsight :
I'm still here, hon - not around every day but still around, just updating more on FB now... gone through lots of hard times but life is still sweet..... hope you are well!!!
from writergrrl88 :
I'm still hear (reading, anyway) -- I have a journal on LJ now. Are you writing anywhere else? I miss your updates. How are you?
from fake-angelic :
im still here. you havent updated in ages either, i miss that. i hope youre okay now.
from anasinger327 :
Hey, I don't know if you remember me (I've literally started like 4 or 5 notes with that in the past 10 minutes) but I used to read your diary and I hear you about the nobody-updates-here-anymore thing. What do you say we break the mold? Friends? <3
from portia69 :
Hello my Darling. You are THE angel
from portia69 :
Hello my Darling. You are THE angel
from wire-ending :
claire, i know its been so long. it's been years now. how did so much time pass?
from notspecified :
i miss yr entries claire.
from dimstar :
You are amazing too. Baby steps... and you are getting there, even if you cannot see it yet. (((hugs)))
from fake-angelic :
hey claire, hope you had a fantastic birthday (and every day afterwards) :)
from comfortm :
Hi claire. Happy 21st birthday! Diaryland is dead these days, very dead..i think everyone has moved on to msypace lol.
from ethereal-red :
Claire. I am happy you updated, even if just to let us know that you are still alive. And I am so glad you are.
from dimstar :
Hey hon, I sent you an e-mail... I hope you got it as I sent it a few days ago. I hope you are hanging in there. Please remember, baby steps.
from dimstar :
I sent you an e-mail a while ago too, about a month or so? Maybe a bit longer. I just wanted to make sure you are okay, let you know that I still care, and that I realize how sick we were at the time we met and how that really strained our relationship bc we both cared so much about one another, and that it is always difficult to watch another suffer. I will always care about you Claire.
from dimstar :
I know we don't talk anymore but I still keep tabs on you, hoping that you are doing okay... I know you can beat this too Claire. Please take care of yourself.
from tfrunner262 :
Claire-- I'm glad to hear that you're doing better after getting out of IP. I'm sure that simply being stronger than you were before is a huge improvement, although being in IP and having to spend time at home afterward probably was a strain mentally. I'm sure it must be hard to spend time anywhere that people think of you as the 'sick person.' However, a lot of those people probably don't really realize; it seems that half of the time when one expects other people to have figured it out they really just think you have some illness or that "the thin girl is STILL trying to gain weight." At any rate, perhaps going back to uni will be a help. I remember that transferring here to the university where I am now made all the difference for me. Another thing that might help is if you are able to meet any recovered people in your outpatient groups. Sometimes, it helps just to know and see someone who did make it and got better -- it kind of gives you hope when you feel like giving up. You've been so strong throughout all of this that I know you can make it through and get to live the sort of life you want to live. Just try to keep fighting it now while you are stronger. Fight so that you can do well in your studies and be free to go out with your friends and do all of the things you wished you could do before. One thing I did, and still do sometimes, when I feel like I'm slipping is try to make a list of all of the things I want to do that I can't do when I'm sick. It seems that being better yields all of this time and you won't know what to do with it or how to fill it up at first. So whenever I felt alone with my eating disorder I would look at the list and try to do one of the things I had been wanting to do for so long. As time goes on, those things start to replace the eating disorder. I know I've let this note become incredibly long (sorry about that) but I'm just so glad to hear that you're doing somewhat better and wanted to encourage you to keep going. I'm so happy to hear that you've been so strong. XOXO
from writergrrl88 :
I hope you find wellness and comfort -- you deserve health and happiness. *hugs* I'll be sending good, healing thoughts your way.
from sorrowshadow :
you'll be fine, honey. stay strong for a little bit while more :)) I hope everything works out fine for you.
from hibiscus101 :
oh hun. its been so long since i left you a note. it sounds like your doing a little better. im glad. big hugs as always. :)
from ethereal-red :
That sucks that you're in the hospital but I am glad you are there so you are safe. You're already making huge steps towards getting better. I miss your updates. I was wondering what happened to you. I'm glad you're safe.
from tfrunner262 :
I'm sorry to hear that you've had to go to the hospital, but I hope you won't have to stay there too long and that they will be able to help you. It sounds like you are making good progress though! I wish you the best in your recovery and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs)) xoxo
from anainsight :
Hey, I don't know if you will get this note but I hope you do! I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way, and hope you will be out of the hospital soon. Maybe when you get out you can get some therapy. I hope so. Be well and take care! (((hugs)))
from portia69 :
Your precious. always will be to me.
from iam-perfect :
love you beauty queen. be well darling.
from brokenmirror :
Angel, I am so happy that you like the posters and that it made you smile!! You're so pretty, though indeed you look sick, but your face is still so pretty and there's no sign of being fat or ugly in it!!! And I wish you could let go, not of life but of this illness that keeps you caged. I'm happy to hear that this jack moved out, he was a jerk and he was disgusting!! I'm glad your mum sees it now, too! See, it was absolutely okay to hate him :) Unfortunately I didn't get your text message :( I love you my sweet beautiful angel and I'm always here for you at any time!!! I wish we weren't so far away from each otehr and I wish there were something that I could to make you get better!!! i heart you so much =X= Ria
from anainsight :
Merry Christmas!
from caged-freed :
Hey, this is just a note to let you know that I'm trying to resurrect C.A.G.E.D. - and I really hope you'll contribute. Check out the updated info, and take care!
from sadhaven :
Hello, I just wanted to let you know about this new public diary called "sadhaven." It is for people who suffer from mental illness and/or addictions to vent and express themselves. If you would like to know more take a look around. Thank you.
from anainsight :
I wish that you were doing better. I hope that you will get better. Maybe it will be good to have a nice visit. And I hope you will get to enjoying university more. I loved it when I was in school. I made a lot of friends. Funnily enough, though, that's when my E.D. started getting really bad. I guess the two things aren't mutually exclusive. anyway. I am going out of town tomorrow, without access to phone, TV or internet, but I will be home next week and I hope that you will be feeling better. I am thinking about you and if I were not way over here in Georgia I would give you a hug. peace!
from claudia- :
Hey, I used to read your diary a few years back... I stopped because I stopped writing because I thought I was better. I was for about 2 years, but now I'm going through my first relapse. I think you're a really strong girl :)
from anainsight :
I am so thrilled that you are going away to uni. Even if you are scared, I think that maybe you can make some new friends and have some new interests. I hope you can, anyway. That will be good for you. I will be thinking about you. peace!
from pollys-pins :
Hey hun - congrats! Wow u genius :) which uni are you going to? anywhere near me? If you want a chat about uni life u know where I am - have had some of the best and worst of it so I can prepare. Am on hol for next 6 days - but drop me an email with any Q. sure I can give you some good advice :) xxx
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* My one piece of advice for going to uni...sign up with the GP when you arrive abd if you feel comfortable enough get a physriatic nurse or similar. Mine was fantastic, she let me ruin my life until I was ready to change and in the meantime kept me from falling apart. I didn't see her all the time and she never told me to stop self harming but she was someone who understood how hard it was to be at uni with bipolar and she was just there for me. We are still friends now:) Some therapists are arseholes it's true but if you find someone you trust they can be such a help. Also my uni had a sick bay which was basically a tv room where anyone could visit if they were having a rough time and needed some time out. They even had beds so you could stay over if you needed to. Don't worry honey, Universities are used to dealing with all sorts of issues that we have and are generally much more sympathetic than any Doctors I've met. You'll be fine! Congratulations and Enjoy. If you ever want any help from an uni pro :) feel free to ask. All My Love Lostunicorn
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. My sugars are actually pretty good at the moment; my last A-1C was 6.5, which is really good considering that six months ago it was 13. So I really can't complain. Hope you'll soon be doing well too. I have a good feeling about your going to university. It will be good to get away and make a change, and I hope you'll find you some new good friends. Be good, and I'm sending you a big hug!
from tfrunner262 :
Congrats on doing so well in all of your classes!! I am so happy to hear that they turned out well. I also hope that you really enjoy going to uni next month. It will probably feel like a big step at first, but I bet you'll be able to meet plenty of people and go out and have fun too -- and that might boost your spirits a bit :) I'm so proud of you Claire. luvs XOXO
from anainsight :
Congratulations, I'm so proud of you for persevering and doing well in school despite how much you were struggling. I wish you well at university. If you're determined to change, I would like to offer a piece of advice that's working well for me so far: Just pick up and do the next right thing. If that means taking a shot, then take your shot. If it means going to a meal and eating, then go do it. Just concentrate on doing "the next right thing" and do it over and over, and it will eventually become easier. I wish you lots of fun and serious learning, and I hope you'll pick a field of study which you enjoy. Being in school is difficult, but when you don't study for something you like, that is meaningful to you, then it's that much harder. I am sending you a lot of love and a big congratulatory hug from way down here in Georgia.
from lostunicorn :
Hiya Honey, Its deleted:) Sorry for late reply was on honeynmoon. Love Cheryl x
from brokenmirror :
its deleted sweet darling!! I'll leave you a proper note soon when I have more time. I love you to bits!!!!!! kisses =X= Ria
from purgingme :
how did your appointment go. i hope your health is ok despite your blood sugar levels. loosing weight at this point is only hurting you. i wish you could stop. i wish you happiness and health claire. i love you girl. xo sharla
from comfortm :
i dont know if its because im a mother now and i dont want to sound like im lecturing you but please take care of yourself and take your insulin injections. I watched my father go downhill from diabetes. He didnt take care of himself and developed neuropathy in his legs, then got his leg cut off and died from pneumonia due to his weakened immune system from the diabetes. He was a brittle diabetic just like you. I miss him alot. I know there are people that love you and will be sad if you go downhill from diabetes. You may not think that no one cares...but I live far away from you and it makes me sad to see you are struggling so and i hope things get better Claire i really do. I dont want the same thing happen to you that happened to my dad. Please try Claire, we're all supporting you.
from tenebrosity :
lol *hugs* you're not awful...it took me a while to remember what my TF name was!! it was in2deep thanks for this hun xxx
from tenebrosity :
thanks hun, i really appreciate that. xxx
from d-cokewhore :
Wow, it's been a while. Do you remember who this is? I might start updating this again. Anyway, I miss you & I hope you are doing well. If you ever want to talk my aol s/n is wordshlutco5
from tfrunner262 :
I hope you have a wonderful time on holiday and I wsih you the best of luck with that and your health. Take care XOXO
from writergrrl88 :
I do wish you luck. Also, as much fun as you can have. And I wish you health. I hope you get to enjoy your holiday. *hugs*
from brokenmirror :
Hey sweet darling!! I'm glad you like the present and that you're not angry at me for the long silence!! I am so happy to be your friend and I feel blessed to know someone as wonderful as you are!!! I love you angel and I hope you'll have a nice time on holidays! Just don't worry too much! Love you heaps, =♥=
from aorist :
Hi sweetheart ! Thank you for the card. I love you for worrying about me. You are such a dear. I am sorry I have been absent. Life was unsettled for a while, but now I am in therapy and got a new job and things are ok again. I got my kitten and ended up naming her Tomorrow, Morrow for short. Please know that you are NEVER ever bugging me. I love hearing from you! I will write back via snail mail soon, ok ? I hope you are doing ok dear. Thanks so much for thinking of me. It made my whole month! I need to go read your updates soon on your dland too. I guess I should update mine sometime but I am so busy. It sucks! Miss you xoxox Jo
from slightscream :
From the length of your notes section, it seems you have TONS of support. Everytime I read your diary, I wish I could at least give you good blood sugar controls. Because once the damage is done, there's no going back. And I believe strongly that if you were get treatment, and challenge those voices that tell you you are bad, or have to be super skinny to be happy (How's that workin' for ya?), and whatever reason you think you have to put your body through hell on a daily basis, you could get better, FEEL better, realize it doesn't have to be this way. I hope you'll get a chance to have at least a few weeks of decent nutrition, good blood sugars, people to talk to, paper to write on, at whatever cost. This can't wait; even university can, if that what it comes to. You are young. It is NOT to late to have a long, full, and love-filled life. Otherwise, it will be heart trouble, stroke, vision loss, dialysis, amputation, measel-like looking legs, infections way more unsightly than extra pounds, life in a wheelchair, etc. Love yourself like a little puppy, and when you don't want to, ask why? Does your punishment REALLY fit any crime you may have committed? Peace.
from cheekyash :
i guess i forget that there is a need to be articulate at times. sorry again
from cheekyash :
sorry, i don't even remember pressing the 'done!' button for that. but i guess that's just what i thought when i read your diary, not just what you wrote, but how you wrote it. it's all amazing
from cheekyash :
wow
from sad-faerie :
Of course...just give me an e-mail address and I'll send you the info =O) x
from sad-faerie :
I feel so close to you x mind if I add you? x
from beauthentic :
Hey sweetie, hang in there o.k. ?? Trust me, you do NOT want to start cutting again... I battled self injury for 16 years, it is a horrible cycle to get out of. In the end of my self injury, I was completely out of control - and most of my cuts required stitches. Now, over 1 year self injury free - I am left with the consequences. Lots of ugly thick scars. It's hard when you have to explain to people why you can't wear shorts, or why you have to wear shirts that have long enough sleeves, why you can't get in a bathingsuit, or not being able to go get a pedicure or a message, and god forbid being intimate with someone who has never seen you naked before... Yah, it is NOT fun, especially when you haven't done it in so long - and there is evidence of it every single day of your life. It's rather disgruntling... Please don't end up like me hon.... (( Hugs )) Love you <3
from anainsight :
just because what you want to say seems stupid to you, it isn't to the rest of us. just say what you feel. I'm thinking of you during exams. peace!
from lithorian :
You're lovely.
from anainsight :
Hey, thanks for your sweet note. I really appreciate it. It's going to be really hard on me for a while because my mother has always been my constant companion, and now I'm alone. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. anyway. Thanks for being there for me. peace!
from tenebrosity :
heya babe, sorry to hear you sounding so desperate. just wanted to say i'm hear if you want to talk, email me if you do. luvya and thinking of you. clare xxx
from rapethismind :
Hey, I've been reading your diaryland for at least a couple of years or so now but I've abandoned dland lately. Anyways, I hope that one day you can figure out how to be happy...like really happy, content. Is that even possible? If it is, I hope you get there. Do you have a myspace? <3Emy
from beauthentic :
Hey hon, I wanted to let you know I will be closing down my diaryland site.. I have been on Xanga for several years, and I am going to stick with it, finding it too hard to keep up with both. My xanga is www.xanga.com/i_am_perfectlyimperfect or my email is bookdiva5105@aol.com Much Love !! Talk to you soon (( Hugs ))
from anainsight :
I just wanted to say hi to you, and send you a hug. My little poodle sends lots of cute little poodle kisses too. Try to study hard because I think you'll like university a lot better than college (if the English system is like our own, it sounds like it is). I wish you all the best. peace!
from beauthentic :
Hey hon !! Something my therapist told me quite a while ago was "If you used even half of the energy you use at maintaining your disease - towards getting better - you would have been better a long time ago! You can channel that energy in a positive direction, you already use the energy towards self destruction. It's all the same energy, it's just up to you what you put it in to".... So true, So true ... Hang in there hon, you're in my thoughts Much <3
from beauthentic :
There are answers... You're just not looking in the right places .. The answers lie within you, but you have to be willing to find them. Sending you positive thoughts for a good day today, and lots of love <3
from fitofdestiny :
Sweetie... You are gorgeous! Why are you doing that to your body? *hugs*
from genuine-risk :
Claire, how are you? xoxoxo.
from beauthentic :
Hi hon... A lesson that took me a really long time to learn (like practically my entire lifetime thus far!) is that perfection is just an illusion. There is no such thing, it simply does NOT exist. I realized the more and more I strove to become that "perfect girl" the less and less I found her, the more and more I hated myself. Obviously, not "logical" to the ED-mindset! Really, the closest thing I have ever found to any assemblence of "perfection" is self acceptance for me - as I am - in this very moment. Chasing the image in the mirror, or the numbers on the scale, or the better (perfect) grades, etc., is really just a waste of energy, and the fact that it NEVER IS good enough and it NEVER IS different, is just a set up for disaster. Hang in there hon, you are in my thoughts <3
from aorist :
hugs... how are you doing honey? Just wanted to say hi. Miss you. Have you thought of any names for my kitty? I am going to see her again soon. I will take pictures and email them to you, if you like. Love you. Jo
from pollys-pins :
Hey hun I have moved diaries my other one was being an arse xxx kate xxx hope you're ok
from anainsight :
When you write about what you're feeling, I can so relate, and I want to let you know that it is NOT normal for you to feel so bad. I wish you would print out a couple of pages of your diary and take them to your mental health professional the next time you go. Your meds obviously need adjusting. I'm going through a med change myself right now and it isn't any fun, but the thought is that once I get used to it, I may feel better. I wish you peace and if I were not way over here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from kari92 :
oops, oops, oops; I need to learn to proofread before posting. A few lines down is supposed to read "it isn't that I <i>don't</i> care"
from kari92 :
I am 1 of those people who reads your diary regularly but (mostly) doesn't leave msgs. The reason isn't that I care or that I get frustrated or angry, but that I think you would resent me intruding when you don't know me. The truth is, I wish I did know you so that I could try and make you realise how much of an amazing person you are. I would also love to be able to help you in some way, but I know that it is you who has the strength and power to eventually reach out and ask for the help you deserve. You can, and I believe will, make it out of where you are right now. I love reading your words because they are so true of so many people, and I myself have written (still write) similar things so many times before. I am not "recovered" and I sometimes wonder, too, if I ever will be. But, I am a much happier person than a year or 2 ago, even if there's still a way to go. So I know that change is possible - and I once believed it wasn't. Hang in there. So many people do care about you. xox Kari (and I'm sorry this is so long!)
from tfrunner262 :
The words of your last entry were so perfectly written that one would think you're a professional writer. You're very talented and I wish you could see that through your negative feelings. I remember actually writing an entry one time that had the similar idea of "everyone I ever knew who had an eating disorder has recovered long ago, why can't I?" I know it's hard, even my own recovery is far from perfect, but don't give up hope that you can recover. I think I went into recovery a little over a year later from when I wrote those very similar words. I don't tell too many people my real feelings either; I'm probably more of this mystery person online who has issues than I am the "real world" person with issues. It's a start to be able to tell anyone though; so by writing here you've taken a step toward telling someone -- and that's certainly progress. I'm sorry I've let this note grow so long, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care ~luvs~
from purgingme :
claire, when are you going to let someone into your world so they can help you. you are more than this dissorder. i wish there was something i could do, but what can i do from across an ocean. take care of yourself. my thoughts go out to you. xo sharla
from hibiscus101 :
HAPPY ((BELATED)) BIRTHDAY HUN!!
from tfrunner262 :
HAPPY B-DAY!!! I hope you had a good one... that's actually my dad's b-day too, so maybe i'll remember it from now on :) I hope you enjoy your break from school and get some rest, you certainly do deserve it. Take care ~luvs~
from ponyluv :
happy happy birthday day!! big hugs and i hope you have a good one! (i'm not stalking you or anything, i just saw it on TF! :)
from aorist :
Hugs :) I miss you hon. You are right, too. We are very similar. I am going to read up on your diary today at workstudy. By the way, Happy Early Birthday. Love you. Jo
from ethereal-red :
I am so relieved to find that you are alive, even though you aren't doing well. I know the pain of feeling like a daughter who only exists to unintentionally dissapoint her mother. My mom deserves a daughter who is in college, went to prom, has had partners, who smiles and spends time with friends, whose existance does not revolve around therapy, groups, pills, appointments, hospitalizations and ECT treatments. I cost her so much money, even though the Medical Assistance insurance covers so many of the bills. All I am is a reject, a broken doll... my family deserves something better than what they got when it comes to me. So much better.
from tenebrosity :
heya claire, sorry for worrying you. am having treatment on an intensive day programme at the moment. i keep meaning to update then don't know what to say or where to begin. i will update soon. take care xxx
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* Always here
from genuine-risk :
It seems like so long since you updated. Are you ok?
from genuine-risk :
Claire honey you need to reach out. You don't sound safe and I am worried. Are you drinking sports drinks or doing anything to avoid your chemistries getting too out of whack? I don't want you to have a heart attack. :( xoxox
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* I try to understand honey:) I'm adding another item to your new yesra list....Meet up with lostunicorn...What do you think? xxxxxxxxxxxxx
from ethereal-red :
Claire, it has been so long since you last updated (well, a long time for me at least), and I am so sad that your holiday and purging have really, really been bad. I used to be so jealous of successful bulimics- I have a terrible time getting everything up... okay, ANYTHING up. Now, as I read your entry, there is no jealousy, only a deep sadness, and a wish that I could wave a magic wand and make you all better. I wish I could do something more than just read your diary and converse with you through it. I wish I could help. I wish that both of our realities were simple nightmares that we can wake up from.
from getinline :
Sorry to hear that things have been so rough, but it does sound like it's getting a bit easier. Just hang in there, as cliched as that is :)
from mjraven87 :
I've just been looking at your pictures again and you really do have the most gorgeous eyes. I hope your Christmas is as good as it can be *hugs* Take care xxx
from hibiscus101 :
*Happy Holidays*
from writergrrl88 :
Wishing you a healthy and happy Christmas. Do try and take care, okay? I'll be thinking warm, healing thoughts for you. ~lita~
from visiblebones :
hey sweets.. i know you from TF. By any chance do you know what the heck has happened to it? It seems to have disappeared... odd. Can you email me (skinandbone@hotmail.com) if you know what the deal is..
from anainsight :
Hi, I am thinking of you tonight and wishing good things for you. I am choosing to be optimistic and hope for better things in 2006. I want my recovery and there is no one going to stand in my way to get it. If I could I would wish upon a star to shine on you and brighten your life, but I will light a candle for you and I wish you a happy Christmas and hope that 2006 will bring good things to you. And I send you a hug and a lot of love from way over here in Georgia. peace!
from genuine-risk :
How are doing? :hugs: You deserve to get well. Are you going to find a counselor?
from purgingme :
without health there is not much you can do, at least do well. and i know that you are talented and skilled at your craft. i think treatment should be your number one priority, if your ready for it. and it sounds as if you are. to be blunt. go get the help you need and fuck school. xo sharla
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* You can do it honey. Find a therapist, they will help you deal with all the thinking. I understand why you want to finish college but don't go straight to uni...get better first. I know from experience that everything can get 100x worse at uni because you have ultimate control and freedom. Good luck honey I'm always here for you. All my love Cheryl x
from tenebrosity :
claire, (((hugs))). i know it is so horribly difficult to admit but in the long run our health is so much more important than our education. we can go back to our education at a later point when we are well, but if we totally screw up our health now whilst trying to continue our education then it is likely that we will end up abandoning education anyway because we are too ill to continue. i have just had to make that decision. and you know what...yeah my education is important to me and i feel like taking a break from it is failing in some way but if i neglect my health any longer i am totally setting myself up for failure in all aspects of my life. i have decided to take the rest of the academic year off from uni and am having day patient treatment to focus on recovery and getting myself well enough so that I can pick up my education again next year. i really feel for what you are going through right now. please take care hun and try to make some healthy decisions to take care of you. if you want to talk i am here clare xxx
from emaciana :
your last entry sounded so sad... i have had to make that decision before. health or education. i realized that the education will always be there but you can permanently ruin your health right now adn you won't be able to get that time back later on.
from purgingme :
a big hug for you. i know, when words fail it seems so strung out. but im here and as alway thinking of you. xo sharla
from killkessa :
user: mrs Password: levenkron
from fake-angelic :
cheer up love.
from anainsight :
Hi, I haven't heard from you in a while, hope you're doing OK. Let me know you're OK. I worry about you. peace!
from purgingme :
i dont know what to say girl, i hope you find some peace within yourself. getting better is scarry but death might be more scarry. just know im thinking of you and sending good thoughts. xo sharla
from purgingme :
this is what i think claire... your beautiful (i have seen your pictures), your painfully smart (not anyone can read Woolf with ease) and so talented (dont fight this one, i have been reading your writing for ages now). so chin up girl, and let someone tell you the good things about yourself and try to believe it for once. sending my love. xo sharla
from perfect-race :
Claire, reading your entry reminded me a bit of what I went through when gaining weight. Although when I did it last I was trying to gain weight, I remember hating it at times. However, you know how you say that you feel hungry all of the time... well, if you keep these small portions of food down that hunger will start to decrease and, honestly, the more you can keep down and stay away from purging the less hunger you will have. Although that part probably sounds obvious, here's the thing, once you keep the food down for a while without purging you won't get as hungry even if you don't eat. Now, I am not trying to advocate not eating or anything, but I know that had I known that when I was gaining weight it would have helped to motivate me. Honestly, sometimes I have problems remembering to eat now and could go a couple days forgetting without getting hungry -- which of course is when I get into the doctor or support group anymore. Anyway, I know what you are going through is SO hard, but try to keep positive (even just a little positive, ok) and what you are doing is really good. I am so proud of you! AND, I totally envy your abilities with literature -- I'm trying to improve my own, but I am sure I don't possess the gift for it that you have! Take care, ok? much love XOXO
from writergrrl88 :
You poetry is breathtakingly brilliant. You have such talent, Claire.
from ethereal-red :
Claire, the way you express your pain is absolutely beautiful, you really are a talented poet. I only wish the pain wasn't there in the first place, and I wish I could make it all better for you... but I can't. And I'm sorry.
from genuine-risk :
I'm concerned.
from mjraven87 :
Yeah, I know that feeling! It takes me ages to write something and then I'll keep changing it but still never be 100% satisfied with it. I'm like that with all of my college work and it drives me mental. I just wish I could do a piece of work and be happy with my first attempts. Ahh well, take care xxx
from mjraven87 :
You poem is really touching, Claire xxx
from lostunicorn :
*HUGS* I do understand honey, I know exactly how you feel. I had a friend called N who I met online and one day it just all went wrong. Falling out with her affected me so much that real friends couldn't understand why I seemed to be grieving for a living person. It was the worst feeling in the world especially when she refused to speak to be and locked me out of her online diary, however three years later and we do now email occasionally and read each others diaries, we are not close, far from it but time has helped heal. Thinking about it still hurts though. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here honey. Lots of love from Cheryl p.s check your email:)
from alexiaaa :
You are who you are, you shouldnt doubt yourself. I hope you get to a point where you are ok with just being you, i know how painful it is to be hiding in the shadows and to be scared of life. Hang in there ((hugs))
from hibiscus101 :
**HAPPY HALLOWEEN**
from lostunicorn :
I love you and do not wish you had never excisted....just so you know:) *hugs* Love always Cheryl xxx
from mjraven87 :
I am the same with cereal. I can't stop eating it... any puddings we have in the fridge are gone as soon as I am alone and I always get shouted at for it but you just can't help it can you? Even when you know the consequences.
from purgingme :
im glad to here that your appointment went ok. doctors are so scarry. but i get what your saying. its like you want to scream, look at me im sick i need help please help me get out of my own hell. instead you put your head down and go through the motions and when they let you go your relieved and frightened. yeah i have been there. take care of yourself. xo sharla
from ethereal-red :
It amazes me that you can still go to school- you try so hard and push yourself so much. I went on an extended medical leave three years ago and haven't gone back yet. I have so many hopes and dreams for you, Claire, and I know that someday they will come true.
from writergrrl88 :
Good luck ... and thousands of best wishes. xo ~lita~
from mjraven87 :
Good luck xxx
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* You *want* to get out...that will save you honey. You will make it I just know:) As for your teeth...I'm not sure but use loads and loads of mouth wash. My gums are crap due to my inhalors but when I can be bothered to use mouth wash they do improve:) Love you x
from anainsight :
hi, thanks for your sweet note. I don't know the extent of the fraud and it could take years to get my credit straightened out. People treat you like the criminal when you have a flag on your credit. My sugars are running in the 200's right now which isn't good, but for me is better than it has been. I'm just so frustrated because they keep upping my insulin dosage but they don't seem to get better. Oh well. I'm so glad you're attending classes more. I envy you for still being able to go to school. I had to drop out. Keep up the good work hun, and if they can find you a place to go to treatment, I hope you'll take advantage of it. I can't go to treatment because I don't have insurance or a job, and the one thing I want most dearly is the chance to go, because I so want to get better. I wish you peace and I send you a hug from way over here in Georgia.
from perfect-race :
Try to look for the positives in life, you're such a strong person and you ARE improving! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I moved here.
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* I love you honey, no absences is amazing...read back over some older entries...you would have never made no days off then. It is a positive entry in a way:) Take care Cheryl x
from emaciana :
hugs*i hope you can find something positive. one thing a day. maybe the fact that so many people care about you. love love
from ethereal-red :
Oh, Claire... I don't know what to say. I know how you feel even though I'm not bulimic. I know the bingeing. I know the purging. I know the dental problems. I know it's terrible. Try to hang in there. I know you do your best. I wish I could make it all better.
from genuine-risk :
You can make it honey. The opportunity is there.
from genuine-risk :
I know you're scared hon, but you're also miserable. You could go to a group and just sit there, you don't have to tell your story at the first session. Just involving yourself in something recovery oriented would be helpful. I know that most TFers hate this place, but even SomethingFishy.org would be good for you right now. How long can you write about your misery and live it alone? It's the same thing Claire, every single day and you don't deserve it. There is nothing to lose by peeking your head out of the darkness. Notes on diaryland can only do so much. I hate to see you languishing when you don't have to be. You must reach out to someone in real time. You can do it. Think of Gwen and I and how we are trying to seek a better life. There is nothing that separates you from us. You just have to take the first step. There isn't a single thing to lose by starting.
from genuine-risk :
Why not find a support group and go? There's no reason to wait for the diabetes appointment at the end of the month. You have nothing to lose, and if you're tired of living this way, you have everything to gain.
from sharpsecret :
'This eating disorder has me so close. I cannot breathe. ' beautifully said
from genuine-risk :
There are social services and options out there for people who are economically disadvantaged. There are support groups and community programs. I don't believe for one moment that there is nothing that exists to help you.
from genuine-risk :
Ask your mom to get you a counselor. Nothing will change until you seek some help. You can do that.
from ethereal-red :
Claire, can you get any help? Fuck college. You can always take a leave and then go back. It's what I have to do. I know you don't believe this, but your health and life are worth far more than a bunch of classes you're dragging yourself through. I am very worried. I don't want you to die.
from genuine-risk :
I am the last thing/person you should be worrying about....you're fine. Please do not ask me again if I don't like you. That is what I don't like. Have a nice day hon.
from genuine-risk :
Again, I do not believe I have said anything negative about you. The only thing that could be construed as even slightly negative is when I said that I felt it was inappropriate when you accused me out of nowhere of being "the type who takes sides." In fact I think your notes to me have been somewhat aggressive, and I think that is misplaced and, again, inappropriate. My apologies if you are displeased that my notes have been plainspoken and that I have not left a lot of flowery "hugs" and "xoxo" and "stay strong," but in my opinion, honesty is more valuable than that. You are also not hearing what I AM saying to you. If you want an escape from your unhappiness now then you are going to have to take a baby step and get someone professional beyond diaryland and your family to speak to. Perhaps that isn't what you want to be hearing from me, but it is the one thing I feel obligated to say. Otherwise, I am tired of the implications you are making and think you are projecting some issues onto my words.
from genuine-risk :
In fact - why don't you read over my notes again, objectively. I think you are reading negativity into my words. I have given a lot of constructive support.
from genuine-risk :
I don't understand why you now have a problem with me and the notes I have left you. I would assume that it is because I am friends with Gwen. There is nothing wrong with what I said. If you want something to change you have to take a step. Obviously I am not suggesting you "get over it" because I know that is impossible for all of us to do in the short term. But if you want your life to change you need to take a baby step and get someone professional to speak with about this besides Diaryland. All of the online hugs and xoxo's are not as important as that fact, and it's the best advice I can give.
from rachy-rai :
it's about time you updated your pics page. By the way, regarding the chains, Jesus Christ can set you free from that. People may laugh and diss, but it's true. Your struggles will all still be there, but with God ANYTHING is possible. It's just a thought. I know it's changed my life even when I struggle like mad. NOBODY can mock Christianity UNTIL they've tried it, and once they've tried it they'll never look back. It's the best decision anyone can ever make and tonight I am going to pray for you. With love xxx
from genuine-risk :
It doesn't have to be this way Claire. You have the choice - you need to seek professional help. A counselor would be a good start.
from lostunicorn :
keep running one day you will escape this disorder, just keep that hope alive and you will be just-fine:) Love you honey x
from anainsight :
I think it is so sad that you would think no one would care if you updated. I don't talk to you very often, and I feel bad about that. I feel like I should be talking to you all the time because you have the courage to write down all the things that you feel. They are exactly the same things as I feel but I don't have the eloquence to put them down in words the way you do. I understand so much about how you feel so worthless. I do too. I guess that's one reason I don't write to you like I should. Because I feel that way all the time, and I don't really know what to say to you when you write. The only thing I can think of to say to you is, "I know EXACTLY how you feel" but somehow that sounds so trite. The way you describe your depressed feelings is so real to me. I can almost see you sitting there. Even though we have never met in person, we still go through so many of the same struggles. I struggle every day with depression and with eating and trying to stop myself from deliberately skipping my insulin. Just about the only thing I don't do is, I don't purge anymore. But the crazy thoughts are still there. I'm sorry this note is so long but what I really wanted to say was, please keep writing and updating and being so totally honest about how you feel. And I would be so very worried about you if you were to disappear. I send you peace and a lot of love, and if I were not way over here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from lostunicorn :
I was worried honey, that's why I sent you a text. *Hugs* You can do this honey, please try and get therapy:) All my love forever <3 <3
from ethereal-red :
If Hayley hadn't updated soon I would have been frantic with worry. You are cared for here despite what you may think.
from mjraven87 :
I'm glad she's alright, thanks for letting us know Hayley xxx
from mylostdream :
You silly girl..I don't hate you. What makes you think that? Lots of love.
from sharpsecret :
im thinking u need to get proper therapy before you end up in hospital again,your sinking and refuse to be saved, i love u, ring me soon im worried about u
from genuine-risk :
Claire, you have control over your destiny. You need to get professional help to get out of this place. I am not taking any sides and do not appreciate that insinuation. That was not appropriate. Please do not involve me in any conflicts. However I do feel that if you are going to apologize for offending people about what happened, I am not the right person. In addition, please do not make any assumptions about what I have or have not heard from Gwen. She has been very respectful and discreet in saying anything to anyone.
from tfrunner262 :
I wish you could realize what an absolutely beautiful person you are. Please don't give up on recovery because it IS possible and you are worthy of it -- even if you don't feel that way. Take care as best you can -- one day at a time. ~luvs~
from genuine-risk :
I'm here and I'm fine, thank you for the concern. I don't hate you, in fact I don't hate anyone. Hate is such a strong word. You did nothing to offend me or anything you should apologize to ME for. If you want to apologize it should not be to me.
from fat0free0air :
I wish you could look at yourself and smile and that you didn't have to go through all this pain. Reading your diary hurts me too because I see myself in it, I can understand it. We have the same fears. I hope your barbeque goes okay and you don't get too carried away after wards. Even if you don't love yourself, there are still people that care about you. Take care hun <3
from mjraven87 :
I posess none of the qualities you mentioned that make people like you either. I think "too sensitive for my own good" should also be part of that list
from ethereal-red :
I hope your trip goes better than you anticipate. Try to deal with the stress in ways outside of the eating disorder... I know that's hard. I have faith in you. You'll pull through this one. I can't wait to read how it went!
from tfrunner262 :
I hope that you have some fun while away. I'll be thinking of you, take care.
from floaty-ana :
i hope you enjoy your time away honey. i know its daunting but fingers crossed for you it'll all be fine.. take care xxx
from patchedpolly :
"an ideal caught forever in a snow globe", this is how I always feel, nothing ever perfect, the way you should be hazy in the distance. sorry I've been distant I've been feeling really detatched. I hope you feel better soon but I know how useless my saying that is. x x kate
from lostunicorn :
Hiya honey Did you get my text message last week? Cheryl xxxxx
from genuine-risk :
Claire, you really need to be seeing a professional. We all want to wake up, but I don't know if we can really do it alone, internally, by ourselves.
from tfrunner262 :
Claire, I hope that you feel better soon! Just keep hanging in there. I hope that your tests at the doctor come back with good results. You'll be in my prayers. ~luvs~
from genuine-risk :
Hi hon, I am here...I got your note, thanks so much. Do you ever sign into AIM anymore? How are you doing? xox.
from portia69 :
I prey for you my precious, and hope you are smiling because you have no idea how strong you are, and will continue to be. XxX
from anainsight :
I am thinking about you honey. Please don't lose hope. It is only when you lose hope that you really are in trouble. I am thinking about you both. peace!
from kari92 :
Hi...I know you don't really know me, which is why I don't usually leave you notes, but sometimes I just feel compelled to do so. I'm really sorry your visit to Gwen hasn't gone as you hoped. It sounded like you were really looking forward to it, in a way that you haven't looked forward to anything for a while, and it would have been nice if you could have a great relaxing trip. But - and this is the real reason I'm writing this - please don't feel that it's automatically your fault! Just from reading your diary I know that you aren't the "bad person" you think you are. I'm not saying it's Gwen's fault either, because I've read her diary a few times and I know she's not "bad" either - it's just one of those things, that is probably bound to happen when people are in close proximity for a while. So try not to feel guilty :)
from genuine-risk :
I just wanted to offer some :hugs:. I am sorry it has been a little difficult. :( I hope you can work it out and enjoy your stay. xoxo.
from comfortm :
im sorry things aren't going well with you and Gwen. I'm sure things will work out. You just need to adjust to being around each other for the first time.
from tfrunner262 :
oh I'm soo sorry sweetie. I'm sure it isn't any more your fault or Gwen's. I'm guessing that she probably just feels really bad for you since she's been through so much herself and hates to see you suffer. AND, as far as being sick goes, it's different for everyone, as I'm sure you know. Maybe she sees you suffer in ways that she hasn't, and maybe even vice versa? Although we all go through the basics, the thoughts and some of the same symptoms and whatnot, I know that we all have our own stories and reasons -- and of course the things we go through as a result differ mentally and physically. It sounded like the two of you were both so scared of "messing up" so that the other of you wouldn't hate you. I think I would feel the same way, but just be yourself honey, we all know YOU for YOU the way you write and we all love you for who you are. I hope that the two of you can resolve this. You're both going through tough times. I don't know how things have been for you with this, but I know that at the times when I was really caught up in my eating disorder a lot it was harder for me to get along with my friends who I already saw everyday -- I was just so distant and too weak to do the things they were doing, but mostly the distant part. I can't even imagine how it would be with someone who you don't see everyday. Just keep trying (I'm always so happy to hear when you've made even the slightest improvement!) to take care of yourself and with you both trying your hardest hopefully things will play out well in the end. ~luvs~
from mjraven87 :
I'm sorry that things haven't been going all that great... I hope you managed to get some things resolved before you come back home
from anainsight :
i hope you have the wonderfullest of times. Give Gwen a hug for me. I am so happy for you both. Take those pink suitcases and go have a ball! I hope you like the U.S. I would so much love to go to London some day but that'll probably never happen. Have fun! (((hugs)))
from mjraven87 :
Yey pink suitcases!! They sound divine! Trying on clothes is always horrible, especially when you find that everything is a little tighter than when you last had it on... I expect to see many pictures when you get back :P
from genuine-risk :
Claire, you'll never believe it, but actually you are a wonderful, lovable, delightful person who deserves to be loved, happy, successful, and content. You are a gift to this world.
from mjraven87 :
((((Claire))))
from dimstar :
One week, two days! Don't give up on yourself. And your father is being a jackass. A royal one at that. He doesn't know you and if he did he really would have to shut his trap. You are amazingly talented and brilliant. How are your sugars? Mine are high as all hell and I'm having difficulty bringing them down, even with shot after shot of Novalog. Its beyond discouraging, especially since I seem to be getting the horrid water retention and am still thirsty. Take care honey. You can do anything. You are amazing. xoxo Gwen
from mjraven87 :
I never go out, I know how it feels... on the odd occasion that I do get dragged out or I decide for some reason that I will enjoy myself I sit there and get slowly more and more depressed as the evening goes on. There is nothing worse than that feeling of being so distant from everybody around you laughing and joking the hours away and you are left sat there counting the minutes that refuse to pass.
from genuine-risk :
I am so glad that you and your family are ok. ::hugs:: Can't wait to read your thoughts and the things you are wanting to write about soon. xoxoxox.
from mjraven87 :
I'm glad you're ok hun xxx
from anainsight :
Dear Claire, please update as quickly as possible and let everybody know that you and your loved ones are OK. I am praying for you and for everyone in London. I send you peace and a lot of love.
from genuine-risk :
Claire are you and your loved ones ok? We are worried.
from firechild :
stumbed across your diary. your words are very potent.
from genuine-risk :
::hugs:: I am never mad at you! Sometimes I feel despair at what we put ourselves through. Try to hang in there - you will be with our Gwennie in just days. xoxoxo.
from dimstar :
Hang in there sweetheart. Just 2 1/2 weeks to go!!! We can do this. I love you and believe in you. xoxo Gwennie
from emaciana :
those natalie imbruglia lyrics are very fitting. that's what i love about lyrics... they can express things that i could never express on my own.
from laura77 :
Hi JF :) I hope you are doing well. I am once again worried about Gwen and am calling on you to reassure me ;) I'd aks for her number, but I'd better get that directly from her. I just want to know that she is okay. Thank you so much. ~Laura77
from genuine-risk :
hey sweets - thank you for your lovely note. It means a lot. I have been thinking of you. I am sad that I won't be able to see you next month. :(
from ethereal-red :
I found myself nodding to your words this evening, agreeing and feeling... sad. Sad that another person holds the pain inside her, that another person has to have the pain in the first place. To write it all down would make this a huge note, so I will just say this: you are not alone. Email anytime: wall0517@umn.edu
from patchedpolly :
Hey baby nice to hear from you, thanks for adding me - take care of yourself - your in my thoughts as always x x kate
from purgingme :
Dearest Claire, you are not a waste and will never be one. so are so beautiful and your words always take my breath away. im so happy that you are visiting our dearest Gwen. i know it will be so good for the both of you. congrats on finnishing up the sememster. i know it must have been so hard. im proud of you. and as always, your in my thoughts. xo sharla
from dimstar :
I can't wait to see you either sweetie. We are going to have a blast. Every day my mom asks exactly what day you are coming again. Everyone is excited, almost as much as I am. I know you can hang on until Uni, until you get here... I see so much more in you than you do. You are so far from stupid and clumsy. You are genious. (((hugs))) Gwennie
from fat0free0air :
Just wanted to let you know that you're diary is one of my faves and I feel like I relate to it a lot. You break my heart, but your words are so beautiful. Take care <3
from hibiscus101 :
THATS BEAUTIFUL!:)
from mjraven87 :
I love the poem :)
from mjraven87 :
I have just seen your new photos; you are so prettyfull xxx
from rapethismind :
You should listen to Radiohead's "How to Disappear Completely"
from tfrunner262 :
I just wanted to let you know that I am alright. I hope that you've been doing better lately as well. I think that your pictures are absolutely gorgeous! If you want to know my username and password you can email me at TRAKgirl800@yahoo.com or otherwise just let me know and I can leave a note here as long as you'll delete it. Take care, ok? ~luvs~
from rainy-daze- :
just seen your new photos. you look so pretty, it brings me to tears. i know you won't reply, you never do. god bless sweetheart xx
from purgingme :
its been a while since i have left you a note dear but i want you to know that i care about you so much. you are in my heart. xo sharla
from emaciana :
i am shy, but am much better than before. i hate the word shy, with all its negative implications. you can overcome it. take care.
from snowcanwait- :
In you picture you look like a paperdoll. Nothing's there-not anymore. Your eyes are beautiful; but so sad. You look like you're on the verge of tears in ever picture.
from genuine-risk :
:( I just love you. You're worth so much, and I can't wait to tell you, either over the phone or in person, when you're here this summer. xoxoxo.
from simplyrayne :
Everytime you feel like you can't go on, remember that you have to stay strong and get better so that you can see Gwen. You need to try and gain some strength or they won't let you on the plane. Thinking of you, (((hugs))) x
from dimstar :
(((hugs))) Thinking of you and I just wanted to let you know that. Haven't seen you on IM for a few days. I hope that you aren't upset with me. Take care of yourself sweetheart. You mean the world to me. I am always thinking of you and wishing on the stars for you. I hope you know how special you are. You are truly a blooming rose amongst the pale flowers. Not a weed. xoxo Gwen
from genuine-risk :
I'm here Claire. I just want you to know i'm here with you, I'm present to this. I love you.
from anaz-gurl :
oh sweetie...
from sharpsecret :
sorry you went back to self harm angel,your diary entry really hit me this time,that entry was so delicatly written, your such an amazing writer.i love u xx
from simplyrayne :
From what I've read of your diary (I've had you added under a few names each time I changed over the past 2 years) you are such a beautiful, caring, deserving person. I understand that you don't feel it, but know that there are people who see the beauty in you. Don't worry that you're falling again, there are so many ready and waiting to pick you back up. Take care. *hugs*
from dimstar :
Honestly Claire, its okay. People say things when they are drunk, whether they mean them or not, and people let them go the next day. Remember I told you what happened when I was high? They called an ambulance, and then I snapped out of my spun anxiety attack. We learn... I am just worried about your diabetes and purging, more than anything. I fear that you won't have the strength to make it this summer. I keep praying, and I know that you are trying. I guess what I am trying to say is... hang in there. Don't give up. Only a few more months and you will be here, as long as you are doing ok. I love you sweetheart. I believe in you so much and I think you are beautiful. xoxo Gwen
from tfrunner262 :
Thank-you so much for your kind note. I don't mind at all that you read. I read some of your diary and it makes me so sad to know what you go through. I can identify with you when you mention the stares you get from people. That happens to me all the time too -- when I was in remission last summer and weighed 104 pounds people still gave me the very same stares. It's really not escapable and best just to avoid them. I think you look so lovely in your pictures, you don't need to worry about looking ugly in the slightest. You look so fashionable the way you dress. I've heard many times before that all of Europe is so far ahead of the states when it comes to fashion -- and I think I'd have to believe that. I really hope that you are doing well, you have been through so much and you only deserve to overcome this. We all have our shortcomings and downfalls, and although I have no idea in the slightest how terrible it must be to have diabetes, I do know what it is like to have one condition or another that impairs you. In the long run, you will only be stronger, and don't let anything get to you because you have such strength. I actually used to have a heart condition and wasn't allowed to run for years, and although it went away I did lose some valuable time I could have been running, yet I still managed to beat people who had been runners for years. It just goes to show that as long as you are determined you can prevail. This has become rather lengthy and so I will stop now, but please stay strong as best you can. Take care, Luv, ~Kris~
from purgingme :
Dearest Claire, you have survived so much in your short life i think you can survive anything. dont give up on yourself. i never will. xo sharla
from genuine-risk :
Claire, your most recent entry just hit my heart so hard. I feel like I wrote it myself. Oh sweet girl. I know how it is to be there and I'm sorry that we have to suffer for nothing. I'm here for you and I miss you. I don't even know what to say it affected me so deeply.
from dimstar :
I wish I could tell you what I see in you, but it is too much for words, too great for words. Being diabetic makes you more of a person. It makes you live with a hardship and deal with one that most people will never have to, and more empathetic to their problems. I do agree that it is unfair, however. I will never stop believing in you. You are so much more than you know. Please, don't give up trying. xoxo Gwen
from anainsight :
Hi Claire, I'm sorry your new term isn't off to such a great start. Please, please be nicer to yourself. I think you deserve so much better. You deserve to be having fun and not to be envious of those stupid cover-girl models. Who cares? Just think of them as unmitigated pond scum. I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from genuine-risk :
Oh Claire, it just breaks my heart. I am so worried. I wish this suffering would end and you could begin the life you richly deserve. :(
from rapethismind :
I MIGHT be in LA when you will be. If I am, do you want to hang out? Yeah, I don't think you evem know who I am...but I've been reading your dland for a looooooong time, so yeah. I'm not a stalker, I promise. :)
from markyclarky :
hey, my name is lindsey and i really like the way that you write your diary. i was reading and i realized that i feel the same way as you do a lot of the time and it would be great to talk to you. my sn is serene unbeknown have a wonderful night
from lostunicorn :
Hiya honey, That's so exciting, I've always wanted to go to LA:) I was wondering if you'd like to meet up this spring/summer? As it would be lovely to meet you. Take care and praying for you. Love cheryl xxxxxxxxxxxx
from purgingme :
i am so so happy that you are comming here to see our dearest gwenn! im sure you will have a wonderfull time. take care of yourself and get stronge for the trip. i am so happy for you. take care please. im thinking of you and sending you good thoughts. xo sharla
from anainsight :
I am so thrilled to hear you are coming to America to see Gwen. I pray for both of you. I hope you will have a wonderful and blessed trip. I just wish I could meet you both. I think of you often. Try to stay healthy. I'm really working to get my readings down and so far I haven't skipped my insulin. Know that I am thinking of you and praying too. I send you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from pretoridpoet :
Your writing is beautiful & touching in the fact that it is you. Wishing you well, try to keep positive.
from onyx-cherub :
you are amazing.
from rapethismind :
We worry because we love you. Don't ever apologize for causing us worry. You could be perfectly healthy and "fine" (mentally and physically) and we'd still worry about you, because you're a wonderful person, and we love you. <3<3<3
from dimstar :
Just leaving a note to tell you that I love you and that I am thinking of you. Please take care of yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Pretend like someone else is caring for you. You deserve happiness. To be well. Keep taking those injections and fighting the ed, because there will be a cure. It isn't too far away. (((hugs))) Gwen
from comfortm :
thanks claire!
from purgingme :
i <3 you claire. please give yourself a rest. xo sharla
from wats-er-name :
wow..your writing is so beatiful. i was looking around dland and i found your diay. i love the way you write it is beatifu.
from anainsight :
Thanks so much for your sweet note. I'll miss my father a whole lot but I'm glad he's at peace. You are in my thoughts as well. please take care of yourself. Thanks again, love Carole
from purgingme :
it may not be my place, but have you thought about going back into treatment. you are beautiful claire, i hate to see you so down. you deserve a life filled with joy, not this hell of days gone by. please take care. xo sharla
from my-serenade :
i added you, i hope you dont mind. ex oh, letti
from rainy-daze- :
I won't give up on you Claire. I genuinely care.
from deadpassive :
I must have read your diary for 3 years or something. I remember you, I don't think you remember me though. but anyway, your writing is beautiful, you have a special way with words, you're so talented. take care of yourself and hold on to the beauty in your life, xxx /marwa
from rainy-daze- :
Hey there, I feel as though I have to say this. I have just read about 60% of your diary entries (which took ages) and I want to let you know that I can relate to nearly everything of what you say. You write down how I feel in such an amazing way; a way that I could never do. I can't explain myself but I would like to say it's like you have gone inside my mind and written down my thoughts and feelings for me. I guess I want to thank you. I'm *exactly* the same as you in the way I try SOOO hard to help my friends, and they all walk all over me but I still don't get mad with them. I care so much for you, I really do. I'm not expecting a reply because I know you're busy and have *millions* of notes from all your readers, but I want you to know I feel so similar to how you feel. Be safe, Claire. With love and hugs from Rachel xx
from rapethismind :
I love you. Happy birthday. I wish I'd gotten online before so I could have wished you happy birthday on your birthday. But this will do. I recently turned 20, I have similar feelings at times. Again, I love you.
from small-one :
your b-day was monday? mine was saturday. happy belated, fellow aquarius. i hope you were able to enjoy the attention, for atleast a moment. . .and that you feel loved. . .because you are. . .and YES, cyber-love DOES count. xoxoxo
from writergrrl88 :
wishing you happy birthday wishes!!! take care. *e-hugs* ~lita~
from gaunt :
<3 happy birthday beautiful -Remy
from genuine-risk :
Honey, happy birthday. I will be thinking of you! You are loved. xoxoxoxo.
from silentpearl :
Just so you know. I think your spectaculiar. You are not defined by a BMI! I know realizing that is an incredible struggle but maybe if you hear it alot and tell yourself that everyday, you might just start to believe it. You are so much more than an eating disorder and a BMI. You are an amazing person. And you know what? Birthdays are never what you expect. Ageing never goes as planned. Believe me, if life followed a set path we would all be bored out of our minds. Then what would make us interesting? If I had to hear about every 18 year old's perfect life complete with a boyfriend and excellant college marks...well I then I wouldn't find anybody even remotely unique. Life throws curveballs, so catch them with grace. Please don't think I'm lecturing you..I just want you to know how lucky we all are to have such an amazing young lady reach 18 years of age. So Happy Birthday!!!!
from pretoridpoet :
Did you enter college early? I am asking becuase you say you are just turning eighteen.
from mjraven87 :
I hope you have at least one moment tomorrow that makes you smile, even if it is just for a a few seconds. Take care xxx
from the-emotion :
I was looking through your most recent photos, and I just wanted to say that you're really, really pretty. (I'm not a lesbian... I swear I'm not hitting on you.) I just thought, "Wow, she's so pretty, and has such beautiful eyes." and I guess I figured there's no harm in an honest compliment. You really are beautiful. i wish you felt that way. -Brynna
from genuine-risk :
Claire - I'm afraid for your life, the most I ever have been. I don't know what to do. You could have died from acidosis on Thursday. It breaks my heart. I love you and I'm sorry I haven't been as present as I should have been. I just don't have the words to tell you what you mean to people and how worried I am.
from small-one :
this is not your only option. i know it seems hopeless, but i'm living proof that it isn't. i was a "severe case," "chronic" if you'll allow for such a bull-shit diagnosis. . .for ten years, and sure, it took 10 years of being in and out of hospitals, threatened, and humiliated. . .i had to withdraw from college, twice. . .and decided it sucked. and i decided that i knew tons of people who were ass holes, but didn't torture themselves. . .so, i figured that maybe just maybe i might not deserve it like i once thought. and i started trying and experimenting with the wellness process. it took more than 5 years before i felt "normal" around food. at the grocery, or the dinner table. . .or at a restaurant. i still struggle now, in times of extreme stress but my WORST days in recovery are far better than my BEST days as an anorexic. it isn't hopeless, is my point. because NOTHING is. anything is possible, especially if you want it badly enough.
from these-bones :
Hey, its me Steph from TF a.k.a wickedsquirt. I haven't been on TF much anymore as I've strayed unknowingly. I go back every once in a blue moon in spurts but I seem to be uninterested in it nowadays. Anyway, I just want you to know that it's not as hopeless as it seems. I know exactly how you feel, I've been there too, and it's scary as hell-but trust me, it CAN be in the past. There is so much life for you to live, and I hate to see you waste it on destroying yourself. You're such a beautiful person inside and out and it hurts me to see you hurt like this. But honey, there is definitely hope. Keep searching because it won't be disappointing.
from hurting-lots :
come live with me. i'll love you. we'll hurt together. ...i wish we could all take away each other's hurt. i wish we could at least share it.
from tenebrosity :
heya Claire, no i don't think you are crazy! i did wonder whether you realised who i was when i got your note, was actually gonna pm you this evening to clarify! I don't think I ever told you where I lived so I'm not surprised you thought I was from the US, I always presumed that you were in the US until I saw you post in one of the UK threads. Anyway I had better stop rambling on. Take care. Clare xxx
from aorist :
Claire, it's ok. And you are not a terrible friend. You are not a terrible anything. It'll be ok. <3 love, jo
from dimstar :
Claire, so glad that you updated. I am constantly thinking of you, worrying... Don't worry if you don't reply. I just want you to do the best you can to take care of yourself at this point. I honestly had no idea that you hadn't taken your Lantus in six months. I am amazed that you are alive, let alone functioning at any level. Any endocrinologist would be amazed... Please sweetheart, keep it up. Every step counts, and I want to see you a bit better at the least. Because I want to meet you someday. And in a spot where we can have fun together. So we aren't both dysfunctional, too ill to do anything. I don't want to ramble Claire. I just want you to know that you are such a dear sweet soul. And you are extremely intelligent. Your dad doesn't know what he is talking about. I love you sweetheart. xoxo Gwen
from purgingme :
dearest claire, for me, a note is not needed. just see that you have writen something is a great comfort for i worry about you and want to know that you are ok if not well. you are trying, and that is wonderful. every step counts. xo sharla
from hamiltonian :
You make more sense to me than you know.
from purgingme :
take care yourself dear. i wish i had a bit to say to make things better but i know i cant. just want to send my love. know my thoughts are with you. xo sharla
from xnotenoughx :
Just throw the whole damn scale out when you're strong. Don't leave it around. Get rid of it. You're so tragic and beautiful. I just don't know what to say to make you feel better. I'm sorry.
from pretoridpoet :
I'm proud of u for gaining that 7 pounds. If I were u I would lose that scale battery again. I hope you have a good year!
from nyriad :
i know how it is to be afraid to get better.
from genuine-risk :
Happy New Year Sweetie. XOXOXOXOXOOX
from dimstar :
Sweetheart, I love you, and I know that you can do this. Just take small steps, such as taking more insulin and purging less. Your body has been through so much. I worry about you constantly, more than you can imagine. You are so dear to me Claire, and your last entry brought me hope. I will never give up on you. xoxo Gwen
from italianxladi :
heeeey mama. i was jus lookin thru diaries and i rlly like ur layout. i added u to my favorites, i hope u dont mind. <3Cathy
from ashley2ashes :
please go here for sophie, anaz-gurl - http://www.freewebs.com/sophie-prayers/
from onyx-cherub :
you're a beautiful person.
from purgingme :
Ditto, to what everyone else has said. i hope your holiday turns out lovely. xo
from brkninside :
So proud of you. So..so proud. Its good that you can accept the possible of failing, but most of all that you are willing to try again. Dont give up. Merry Christmas. ~Bhnd_A_Smile from LJ
from pretoridpoet :
It is nice to see you so optomistic!
from mjraven87 :
You have reason to be proud. Well done honey. I hope Christmas runs as smoothly as possible for you *hugs*. Shell xxx
from gaunt :
I have so much faith in you. Please take care. Beautifully, Remy
from xnotenoughx :
Hey - all these steps you're taking may seem small to you (or anyone else who doesn't understand), but they're all gonna add up and be so beneficial to you. And asking your Mom to take the batteries out of your scale? I'm so amazingly proud of you. . .now, that? That's a BIG, that's a HUMONGEOUS step! I asked my Mom to hide her scale a few months back, and she did. . .but I knew my sister's was right in my bathroom to fall back on. . .so that's what I do now. I think getting rid of that scale is the strongest decision to ever make and fall through with. I think everyone should throw those damn things out. Who ever invented it, anyhow? Morons. . .*kisses*
from xnotenoughx :
I don't know what to say. You're writing is amazingly descriptive, and expresses feelings I don't even know how to express. I wish we were friends.
from dimstar :
Claire, you are extremely talented, and with your empathy you could help so many people. I am so worried about you at this point. I get worried when you don't update. I fear that you are fading away. And it scares me. I love you sweetie. I am so far away... I wish I was there to help you. I want you to be better. I want you to be happy. Please, take you insulin. At least the long acting. You need it. You can't survive the high levels of ketones, especially not DKA. Your body is far too compromised already. I love you. xoxo Gwen
from purgingme :
dear, i am so proud of you. it really says alot that you made it through the semester and did well! you are so smart and strong you just dont let yourself see it. i hope the holidays provide you a much needed rest. take care. xo sharla
from cx- :
I'm glad to see you updated, I was starting to get worried about you. Take care sweetie.
from mjraven87 :
I'm glad you are still around. Congratulations on making it this far through college, with good grades as well. I am sure you can keep this up no problem. You take good care of yourself and rest for the holidays as much as you can. Shell xxxx
from flioaemo32 :
hi. i'm glad that your still alive, among us. .....i'm just a random body that happens upon your diary twice amonth.....dont have much to say, like always. ....just 'kudos' to you for being alive, and being a continued inspiration(thats what you are, wether you like it or not)
from mylostdream :
Here is my info to my diary as you asked :) : username: steel pw: wall
from pretoridpoet :
I just started reading your diary. Your writing is exceptional, your ability to combine poetry & your life is truly amazing. I must add I was scared when you didn't add an entry for a while. You seemed so sad & desperate in your diary that I was scared that you actually did something. Anyway I was relieved when you wrote another entry. I wondered what do hope to gain from being smaller?, 'cuase I know you know that it brings you more pain & makes you feel abnormal.
from rainy-daze- :
well I feel the same way. xxx
from miss-shirty :
I want to tell you that the pain goes away. That the world is beautiful, and wonderful. But I can't. It doesn't work that way. Still, you can be saved. I think. Get help. Seek it out. Talk here. Read here. It will show you, if nothing else, that you are not alone. Always, -miss shirty.
from rainyeyes :
Claire, there's always a way to escape. I hope you'll find it soon *hugs*
from genuine-risk :
Claire don't leave me. I love you honey. I wish I was there. xoxoxo.
from rapethismind :
I'm proud of you. For still being here. For trying. Every step you take is trying.
from nyriad :
i know what you mean, saying you feel like your pain is not valid. let me just tell you, it's a whole lot more valid than mine. my depression? to me that is nothing next to your bulimia, etc... so don't worry. i've been reading your diary for a long time. you're on my favorites list.
from apple-cutter :
I didnt add u last night as I had to go to work.Now you r on my list.Your a great poetry writer.
from apple-cutter :
ur on my favs
from purgingme :
claire, i think that you are a good friend you just dont see it. you are so kind to everyone and you dont even know how much everyone loves you. please take care. xo sharla
from purgingme :
i cant believe that your mother will not stand up for you. her boyfriend might we sick but he sounds like a danger to your whole family. you are ill to but you are not attacking anyone. it is not the same thing! i wish you had a safe place to go to. you need a rest from all of this madness. you dont deserve any of this crap. my thoughts are with you. xo sharla
from rainy-daze- :
I don't know if you'd ever have the time to read my diary, but perhaps you might see that I can relate to some of what you write about. You're not alone in this. I care so much. You're like a celebrity on diaryland, everyone adores you. xxx
from ponyluv :
<3 thats alot to go thru with your mom's boyfriend... too much. i'm so sorry. maybe you can reason with your mom about not taking him back. because if she does it will likely only happen again. take care.
from genuine-risk :
I want to talk. On the phone. Email me and we will figure out how to do this. We can get phone cards. You're not alone. I'm here. xoxoxoxox sweet friend.
from comfortm :
Im so sorry claire you have to deal with this. I have dealt with my mom's b/f's and my fiance and it is incredibly stresseful. They do more harm than good. Im thinking of you.
from mjraven87 :
Oh my god, that is so scary. I want to cry now for you. I wish there was a magic word I could say that would make you feel better but there just isn't. Take care of yourself Claire xxx
from floaty-ana :
the guys a jerk, he's NEVER going to understand what you are going through, unless you have an eating disorder and have spent days locked in a house b/p ing the day away, you cannot understand. your mum should stop defending him, they say love is blind but blood is thicker than water. keep holding on...just a little while longer xxx
from silkscars :
-snugs- I'm so sorry doll;; I'm sorry I know how it feels to have your mum's drunken boyfriend come in and raise hell. You know that if he ever hits you;; or even touches you call the police. && if they don't listen MAKE them listen. Don't stop screaming until that bastard's in jail. && if they just refuse, I'll hire some sleazy hit man to hop a plane and break all his fingers. hehe 'kay hun? xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo -me.
from bren- :
::hugs:: you are not alone.
from osme :
oh hunny ***hugs*** i'm so sorry that you decided to overdose...ive been there before, many times, but i can only imagine what it must have been like for you with your mum and everything...i'm glad to hear that you're still around though, and even tho we dont know each other, i'd be sad to see you go because from what you write, i know you have such potential if you ever want to talk to me, email me at eringreenhill@hotmail.com ***hugs*** again, luv erin
from punkonacloud :
I am so sorry you are going through such hell. I don't know what to say except that I am here and I care about you. Love you lots... Mel.
from mothinaflame :
omg.. i just read your last entry.. i know you dont even know me.. but i wish i could just give you a hug or something. i know what its like to feel like that;im on prozac and stuff. anyway. leave me a note or something if u want to. ~charlotte xxx
from purgingme :
im sitting here crying for you. i wish i could talk to you, hug you, something other than nothing. please, if you feel like hurting yourself again ask for some help ok? you dont deserve this. you are to specail and so many people love you. you are in my thoughts. please take care. xo sharla
from girlreview :
Hey. It's Dani from girl review. You made it on to our all-stars 95+ page because your diary scored a 95 or above. That also makes you avaliable for an invitation to become a reviewer. Let me know as soon as possible if you're interested. Thanks!
from rainy-daze- :
I've just read your first 150 entries. Just wanted to tell you that I can relate to everything you say. You put into words things I can't even begin to explain. xxx
from mothinaflame :
i've been following your diary for a while now. you have an incredible way with words. i can relate to a lot of what you say, particularly your last entry, and what you said about eating.if you ever need to talk,or anything, just leave me a note at http://members.diaryland.com/edit/addnote.phtml?user=mothinaflame hope you're alright. charlotte xxx
from genuine-risk :
I will love you no matter how bad it gets. xoxoxo
from rainy-daze- :
you don't realise how much i care though, that's what is frustrating me. i know you so well. you kind-of remind me of hayley. she's currently in hospital. has been for ages. i know you're a good person. "are you there god, it's me, margaret?" receiving a note from you is like spotting someone famous. rare, but amazing. i'm so honoured.
from small-one :
i know you are feeling crazy out of control and ashamed, but i also know that you are not alone. the symptoms you describe and the driving deception are part of your illness. MANY MANY MANY of us have done the exact same things. and worse. you are not alone, even if it feels that way. as far as i can tell, the only thing to be embarrassed about is having a family who won't take you seriously. i am so sorry for your pains. i'm sending healing light to you. it's all i've got to offer. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
from small-one :
i know you are feeling crazy out of control and ashamed, but i also know that you are not alone. the symptoms you describe and the driving deception are part of your illness. MANY MANY MANY of us have done the exact same things. and worse. you are not alone, even if it feels that way. as far as i can tell, the only thing to be embarrassed about is having a family who won't take you seriously. i am so sorry for your pains. i'm sending healing light to you. it's all i've got to offer. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
from rainy-daze- :
can't you see how loved you are? read all your notes. each one of them. one by one. there are so many. hundreds of them. and that's because we all care, from the bottom of our hearts. please be safe. xx
from rainy-daze- :
can't you see how loved you are? read all your notes. each one of them. one by one. there are so many. hundreds of them. and that's because we all care, from the bottom of our hearts. please be safe. xx
from purgingme :
dearest claire, you are so much more than your illness, dont ever think that though i know its hard. you are a friend,a writer, a supporter a daughter and sister. you are beautiful i have seen your pictures. if those people cannot see that they are stupid because i can from oceans away. i know life is scarry and i hide from it too but you are so much more than you think. there are so many people here and at tf that love and think about you daily. just please try and remember that when you cant see the light of hope from inside yourself. xo sharla
from comfortm :
thank you claire,but i am not brave nor strong.
from fake-angelic :
i wish i could take away yr pain.
from mjraven87 :
Life's a bitch and so are most of the people in it. I have got loads of assignments to get through as well but I can't concentrate on them at all. I keep thinking about the nearest food source, the nearest exit - the quickest way out of the situation. I just need to concentrate because seeing everything pile up is making me cry... hope you're ok xxx
from me-destruitt :
Your latest entry literally made me cry. Ditto to everything the person below me said. Whoever those guys were that made jokes about you are complete morons. I'm so sorry about how they made you feel, because you don't deserve it, and I wish so much that I could just take away your pain right now. You are so beautiful, inside and out. Don't ever let anyone, for any reason, make you feel differently. Please try and take care of yourself, Hun. -Laura
from kari92 :
I'm so sorry that you're still struggling and that things have been hard :( I wanted to say something about your last entry, and the guys who were writing notes etc. (which makes me want to cry). You are not ugly! I have seen photos of you, the ones online, and you are so pretty. Even in the ones when you're just in jeans and regular hair/ makeup, and in the ball ones you are beyond pretty! But at the same time, you are very very very thin, as shown in your latest ones. You look young and unwell and some people are going to use that as amunition against you; but it's a reflection on the e.d., not on you; so try not to take those comments personally. And I really hope things improve :(
from genuine-risk :
I miss you.
from rainy-daze- :
your diary breaks my heart, so why do i continue to read it? is it because it's addictive? is because you're such a talented and gripping writer? is it because i care for you? is it because i just want you to know i want to help? is it because i can relate? all these questions, but no answers. you're such an amazing person, no words can express how amazing and special you are. you may not have true friends in the real world, but i can tell you that there are people from diaryland that truly LOVE you, and i mean that. I can't say i'm one of those, because i don't know you well enough. But i care, really i do. I care so much. i think about you so much during my day. i know all your pain is genuine and i have so much time for you. it would make my day for you to feel just a tiny bit better. you don't realise how loved you are claire. you're such a special girl, and one day, if you can hang in there, you'll shine and the bullies that got you down will be nothing. it seems impossible now, but i have faith in you. I know you can do it. not today, not tomorrow, but in time. i wish you all the best and want you to know that i am thinking of you, from my heart, every single day. With love and hugs, -Rachel xxxxxx
from anainsight :
hi Claire, I know that you are worried about Gwen, you are so sweet to think of others, but I am also worried about you. when I see your posts, and see the struggles that you have to make everyday to get through school, I feel ashamed of myself. I am struggling too, but I have no excuse as I only have to go to school one night a week (but I do have to do a lot of research). Will you let me make a pact with you, that we won't skip our insulin? I almost gave up after my last A1C reading but I'm still going at it even though every shot is a struggle. I want you to pact with me because I am so worried about you. I feel sure if you felt better, if your sugars weren't so high, that you would at least feel that much better. I know the higher my readings are, the more tempted I am to binge and therefore, purge. Please Claire, be good to yourself. I will pray for you like I'm praying for Gwen. If I were not in Georgia I would give you a hug. peace! Carole
from ravenstears :
Hey hun. I know you don't know me (but like I just said to Gwen) I feel like I know you just through your wonderful writing. I think about you both all the time...Your so tiny and beautiful, and you have a big perpose in this world...I just feel it. If you ever need anyone, please feel free to contact me. Love Casey:)
from mjraven87 :
Just seen your new photos. I really love your hair!! You have such pretty blue eyes as well. Hope you're doing ok and that college is better xxx
from genuine-risk :
I love you honey. I think of you every day. You're not alone because my heart is with you and yours with mine.
from mjraven87 :
I know you're probably really fed up of people saying this but I really do feel for you. I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel better xxx
from toshchaya :
I know I haven't talked to you for awhile, but I just want to know that I am here for you. All my hope is with you because everything that you write I have been through, and my heart cries for you that you must suffer so. Someday thigs will be better; you will find in yourself the sheer WILL to recover and you will do it. Here are a few links that you may be able to sympathize with, but even though they are dark, if you have read any of my more recent entries you will see the entire change of my thinking from self-destructive to positive. And I know that soon you will think that way soon. http://toshchaya.diaryland.com/030414_72.html http://toshchaya.diaryland.com/cutting.html http://toshchaya.diaryland.com/edhistory3.html http://toshchaya.diaryland.com/edhistory4.html P.S. If you don't have the username/password anymore it is help/me. 'Love to you sweetie...
from fake-angelic :
i wish that i could undo yr pain.
from sweettalk28 :
Claire--Ive crossed over from livejournal (lina19) thought I would give diaryland a try--although I am absolutely clueless as to how it works....hmm I hope someday you will learn to stop directing all of your anger towards yourself and more towards the ignorant people who cause you such pain. Your mom's boyfriend sounds like he has some problems of his own..thats especially why you should never listen to any of the hateful things that he has been saying to you. You are an amazing person and I pray that someday you will be able to say that to yourself in the loudest voice you can conjure up. Please take care of yourself ((big hugs))---angie A.k.a lina19 =)
from rainy-daze- :
let me hug you. x
from small-one :
you claim you hate yourself. . .even your words and your voice. . .but it seems as if you'd be better off hating the people who feed your self-defeat. . .like that boyfriend of hers. . .i want to shake some understanding out of him for you. . .i am so sorry for you. xoxoxo
from lostunicorn :
Honey I understand. I'm sitting in front of a computer after my first lecture of the year and all I can think of is CUT! How is it so easy to fall so quickly back into these patterns??? I love you please stay safe and alive:)
from dimstar :
I want to cry... I wish I knew the words to say. Sarah told me that we had to slam on the brakes, and so do you Claire. I wish that we could all have a big slumber party on an island, away from life. Because life is scary. I am no longer my worst fear, even when I am my worst enemy. Please Claire, I am seriously thinking of going to England next year, and I would love to see you. But you have to be alive. Please, just more Novaprid, long acting, and less purging... I love you. I know you can survive, and you are more worthy of life than you will ever know. Please take care. (((hugs))) xoxox Gwen
from cupcakeslut :
no, I think you're worng. one day you'll be better, you'll be able to laugh and smile like all the others. things won't alwyas be like this, for you or for any of us. when things can't get worse they can only get better, and you have to believe that it will change. I find your diary really moving, its so honest and raw. take care, you deserve so much better xxx
from katanabright :
My friend, there is no email listed for you so I must leave just one more note here along with the hundreds of others who obviously care about you. So for now, I will say only that you have the soul of a great poet, yet if any of us cling too tightly to darkness and sorrow, it can consume us. And in the end, it is not romantic or gothic...only sad and final. Please do not shut out the morning light that tries to enter your life; you are of far greater value than you realize. If I may serve or assist you in some small way, I am here. Peace and blessing to you - j <katanabright>
from lostunicorn :
You did it!!! You made your first week. I'm so proud honey I know you can do this:) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from rainy-daze- :
I just need to tell you that I love you, and so do many others. You're in my thoughts and I am praying so hard for you. x
from silkscars :
Oh, Claire. Your so beautiful;; how can you not notice? Girls would kill to have full lips like yours. And your eyes; there's so huge and innoncente. Don't EVER let others tell you otherwise. Your an angel.
from genuine-risk :
I love you so much sweetie. It is such an injustice that we are so far away and I can't hug you and make you feel happier. I love you.
from vapidmonkey :
Thank-you for the openess encased throught your diary. Tough lines, we tread, don't walk alone. <3
from mjraven87 :
I'm so sorry about what happened... I start college tomorrow as well and I am not looking forward to the canteen as it's just around the corner from my room. I can smell the sickening and enchanting smells wafting around the corner and I just hope beyond all hope that I will be strong enough to walk the other way... Good luck xxx
from ndthsmdy :
so i sort of just read all of your diary (yeah..all of it). i just wanted you to know that you have the ability to move somebody from thousands of miles away. sometimes that can mean a lot.
from person26 :
your friend shapsecret seems to be doing better, yet she was as bad off as you were, maybe worse. Just a theory, but ill guess that since she's 2 or 3 years older than you, that may be the difference. More years meens more maturing and living and thus more confudence. U are not much younger, the same may occur for you, it does for many people. If it happens for her it may for you so try and stick around.
from kmarie420 :
Somewhere in America, a girl is thinking of you and praying that you find some tiny reason to hang on to that thin strand of hope... Just know this...anorexia and bulimia are evil and tricky disorders...they feed our minds with disillusioned thoughts and cause us to believe that we are not worth eating, living, or taking up space. We are all worthy of life. Claire, you are worthy of life. K
from secretshame :
no no no you don't deserve any of what you're going through. you don't realise this yet but you are such a fantastic person. i really do believe that. the world needs more caring, nice, unselfish, creative people like yourself. one day soon you will find a reason to be better. xoxo. what units are you studying at university? :) are you doing writing??? love you heaps. gem
from mirrors-lie :
Claire, you are someone I've always cared for, yet we don't know each other. Seems the feeling's mutual, and that makes me feel good. Thank you, we should feel special we have each other! :-) You are such a beautiful person, and maybe like with me, things have to get worse before they get better, you know? We can get through this. Erica.
from stupid-jew :
Hi,I just found your diary through Boogiebeep's profile. I know this might sound stupid,but do you have any tips? I want to get below 100,but I don't know where to start. How do you deal with the hunger pains? please email me at erin131@hotmail.com
from dimstar :
Claire, Sweetie, I hope that you are okay. I know that you aren't well. Can you log onto my diary? If not I will copy and paste the entries, and e-mail them to you. Please, try and eat some w/o purging, and take some long acting as well as some short acting. I love you. I want you to live. I want you to grow up and be able to have a life that you enjoy, and I want us to be able to meet. Please Claire... xoxo Gwen
from lostunicorn :
Hi honey I just sent you a very long text. Love you:) Love Cheryl xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from dimstar :
Claire, sweetheart, of course I am not avoiding you. I don't know why my diary isn't showing up for you... Perhaphs it has something to do with your web browswer? Have you tried not directly linking from your buddy list and going straight to dimstar.diaryland.com ? I also changed my template, because the site that was hosting my old one went down. I am so worried about you Claire. Actually, I have been thinking about what to say to you, how to help, to tell you how much I care. I know how much pain you are in. I wish I could rescue you from it all... And I know that it is so hard to stop, like an oncoming train with you tied to the tracks. But don't give up on life. I am always here for you. And I will never be avoiding you. Please, take your insulin, at least some, if nothing else. For me, and for everyone else out there who cares, if you can't do it for yourself. Just ten units of Novaprid, fifteen of the long acting... So you don't die. Because that is what I fear most. And I care about you so much. I love you Claire. Please take care of your poor body. You deserve a break from this pain. You deserve to be happy.
from hindthesmile :
i don't know if it helps at all, but i have faith in you. i think you write so beautifully. and i know you don't know me, but i'm always here if you want to talk ok? ~hugs~, -lissie.
from punkonacloud :
Oh Claire. Your last entry broke my heart. I wish that someone could help you. Look after yourself please. I don't like t hear that you are feeling so sick and sad and are self harming again. Hopefully with double the dose of prozac you might start to feel better. I love you lots and lots.... Mel
from rainyeyes :
You're in my thougths *hugs* I know this feeling very well. You are strong, don't give up.
from rapethismind :
I love you. I don't know you, but I've been reading your diary for a long time, and I have come to love the words you write. And the ProZac...please, call someone. Let them know. And think about it, think to yourself if there's any change at all, for better, worse, or indifferent. Because ProZac just made me worse, only it was a different kind of depression. But I think I already left you a note on that. Please, take care of yourself. Or try to. To be honest, I worry rather often that one day you won't post anymore...whether ir be because you are just so depressed (or whatever it may be) that you just don't feel like posting...or whether it be the other, no doubt obvious, reason that I fear most. I'm here if you ever need to talk to someone. *hugs*
from cupcakeslut :
be brave, going out is scary but it gets easier each time I find, sometimes you pretend enough that it almost becomes real. we'll all be better eventually, take care xx
from onyx-cherub :
my love, i've missed you. i'm sorry i haven't written. i think of you often and the picture on your layout inspired me to write something. i've hated my writing for the last while but i think that'll change, thanks in part to you, dollface. <3 i'm always around, and i love you.
from secretshame :
hi claire:) i will never be sick of you or the words you write. you are beautiful. you tell your stories so articulatly and you make me feel like i completely understand you. i know that's impossible, because i am not you, but you make people understand. next time you see that woman, please please please please please go and say hi to her. she probably needs someone to talk to. and i think you do too. and also, im so sorry that your friends don't treat you equally. it hurts more than anything, i know. that used to happen to me a lot. hold on claire, you are gonna be okay xoxo
from mjraven87 :
Prozac never helped me. Nothing they gave me lifted my spirits, they only made me ill and collapse when I came off them. Don't rely on them and certainly don't trust them - the doctors or the prozac. If they want to put you on something stronger don't let them force you as that probably wouldn't help either. This sounds like a really depressing post but all I am trying to do is give you my experience. Feel free to completely ignore it if you want as it's up to you in the end. Take care and good luck in everything, Shell xxx
from hindthesmile :
hi. uh...well, i've never been through what you're going through, but i'm here if you want someone to talk to? ~hugs~ -lissie.
from punkonacloud :
Oh please be careful Claire. I am glad you watched that show. You really are hurting yourself. You've been incredibly lucky already, but it is true, you cant play around with something as serious as diabetes. I love you lots! ~ mel
from space-ranger :
I've been keeping up with your diary for a while now, I always wanted to leave a note but never knew what I'd write. I still don't know what to write. Let's just say I understand your eating disorder. I'm better now. A lot better. But I can relate. And I feel your pain. And my best friend, She does the same thing you do. She's not getting better. And it tears me apart to see her so fragile and weak. That's how I'm seeing you. Fragile and weak. You deserve to be happy and healthy. You deserve to wear a pretty summer dress. You need to stop killing yourself. Food is your way of comitting a slow and painful suicide. Who needs those pills you have as your back up plan when you can binge and purge yourself to death? I wish I could cure you. Make you happy in some way. Make you forget about food, but I can't. You are SUPER skinny. You are NOT fat. I saw your notes page. You have SO MANY people who worry about you and care. You're a fantastic writer. And be careful with the prozac. When I used it, it all got better for a few weeks, and then I got more depressed than I was in the first place. <3333 [tina]
from sad-doll :
<3 i love you doll.
from hindthesmile :
hi
from lostunicorn :
*love you* Sending hugs. I know you said you couldn't deal with seeing people but if you ever need to run away from it all I'm here. I would love to meet you and give you a well needed hug xxxxxxxxxxxxx
from punkonacloud :
Im thought yo needed a hug to help you today.... so I am sending one across the ocean and continent telepathically. there are lots of us who love and care about you. You are SO FAR FROM USELESS!!!!! ((((((hug))))))
from rapethismind :
Be careful on the ProZac. It messed me up. It's not common, but it can happen. I didn't have any lows, but I didn't have any highs, so it put me in a completely different kind of depression that was really dangerous for me. (I stopped eating subconsciously, but I was so numb from the medication that, consciously, I had no idea I wasn't eating.) Just...be careful. It's not common, but it can happen.
from purplebitch :
<3.
from morbidhippie :
mm, you make me wish i could be your lightning bolt. love.xox
from punkonacloud :
hi Claire. I have been worrying about you for a while because of your dropping weight and depression. I am really hopeful now that I hear that you have been prescribed prozac. I am still bulimic, but not half as depresed as I used to be. Medication has helped me lead a functional life and I hpe it will help you too. Please look after yourself in the meantime and know that I love you and worry about you. MWAH!!!!
from neeeeek :
Hey, best wishes from Julius... Girl, the bad thing isn`t falling, it`s not getting up again.<br><br> Hey, take a chance.<br><br>Life rocks.<br><br>Aehm, yeah, and i have no idea about your life, sorry.<br><br>hm, anyway, best wishes and may god be with you.<br><br>*smack* <br><br>P.S.: So much delicious food.... huiuiui... aehm, yeah beautiful smile.<br><br>keeprocking.<br><br>hey, can mail me if you like: juliusr@web.de<br><br>but i`m no friend ; - )<br><br>I`m me.
from of-fools :
Aah girl. You're very skinny, but you know that right? Part of me is so jealous, the other part so sad to see you destroying yourself. But then again, we're all destroying ourselves, right? I hope you find peace one day. Your soul deserves it.
from david34 :
Unconditionally you are precious.
from sharpsecret :
:( shit claire,74 pounds.look at the photos from before ur hospital appointment.remember how shocked u were.u look lik that now angel..im worried :(
from rapethismind :
I want you to get better. I don't know you, but I've been reading your diary for a while know and I care about you. *hugs* I really do hope one day you get the courage to stand up and tell someone with force that you need help. But the fact that you realize it is a huge step. Blessed be.
from purgingme :
there is more to life than this. one day you will find it. just hang in and scream out for help if need be. they will listen, just make yourself be heard. your in my thoughts and heart. xo sharla
from murdered-luv :
oh Beautiful;; i really understand [exactly] how you feel;; i honestly wish i could help you in ANY way [big or small] but i dont even know where to start;; *!*angel*!*
from supergirl7 :
Wow i know what you mean not being able to tell others that you don't have the energy to have a night out. Or that you aren't going to a resturant to hang becouse the mere thought of it sends panic corsing throughout your body. It's really a sucky deal. What the things we do to ourselve...we can't help it. We are after all, very sick people. But still...oh i'm not to sure where i'm going with this. Hang in there, everyday i wonder how you are doing. I hope the rest of the week is better.
from supergirl7 :
I've always wondered. How tall are you? Seems like we are both falling down hill more and more. Really....is it worth to keep falling. Or, are we doing whats best. I wish i knew the future.
from anaz-gurl :
thanks 4 note, i've sorted it now. lots of luv, sophie
from genuine-risk :
i love you. I'm going on vacation but I will be back soon. Take care of you my sweet girl. xoxox
from comfortm :
i had to lock my diary. heres the username:thiscantbe password:life please keep reading!
from aorist :
Miss you too. I am sorry I have been hiding away from my comp mostly :( I just want to get out of here you know? Everything else has faded to the background. I am so sorry I havent been around. Love you jo
from inherentgoth :
I know you dont know me but I'm worried about you hun. You're in my thoughts and I always remember you in my meditations and practices. If it means anything to you <3
from david34 :
You probably will not like this note, but if you got worse and I hadn't said it, I'd feel like I wish I had offered. You may have trouble after eating being alone, with the pressure to throw up. You can always call me after you eat, and I'll pay the entire bill. You can call repeatedly and we can talk after you've eaten to relieve the pressure. You owe me nothing. Unconditional caring. Please think about it. You, of course, could call whether you had eaten or not, but it may be more needed at that time. Forgive me, I apologize if this note just irritates you. I felt a need to say it. I want the best for you, regardless of whether or not you respond.
from rapethismind :
Everything you write is poetry. Beautiful poetry.
from genuine-risk :
I miss you- when can we talk again? xoxo
from suicidemsg :
p.s do you have msn?
from suicidemsg :
i wish i could cure your pain.
from secretshame :
hey claire :) i'm just about to send off another letter and mix-tape to ria because the last one never even got to her, and i was wondering if you wouldn't mind, could i get your address so i can make one for you too? mix-tapes always cheer me up :) but if you don't feel comfortable giving me your address, that's fine and i will completely understand. xoxo. ps: my email is celestial_supernova@hotmail.com
from purgingme :
i can only hope that your going to be ok. please dont hurt yourself. it must feel like the only way out right now but things can get better. you just have to let yourself heal. i know its an understatement. sorry. but i wanted to send my love. i have a bunch of things to send to you. i hope they reach you in time. xo sharla
from genuine-risk :
Hi my darling. Thank you so much for your sweet note. Each time I get one it warms my heart. I'm so trapped. Like I'm in a spider web. I don't know what to do, so I'm paralyzed. We DO have to try and make an effort. I think I am going to go on the very low-protein diet with heavy-duty amino acid supplements that are recommended by the author to save my kidneys. I have been cutting protein for protection, not as much as the book advocates, but it has been without any supplementation (not even a multi, because I was afraid the phosphorus wouldn't be good for the kidneys), and I'm malnourished, which is one reason I have been feeling so blank. First, I have to make an appointment with my dietician for planning. I'm scared. I need to get my act together. This meal plan (less than 20 g of protein a day, with supplementation) is a huge life change. But I won't let it turn into an anorexic disaster. I'm doing this for health. I think so much about giving this disorder up. It's on my mind constantly. But I'm too scared to do it. I don't know. I want you to try too. Will you try? How are you trying? Want to rejoin as moderation buddies?? Have you been tested for microalbuminuria? Do you know what the status of your kidney function is? My cholesterol is high (and I'm even a vegetarian) and I have a level of microalbumin, a sign of damage. So I have to take action. I REFUSE to ever go on dialysis. The book is by Mackensie Walser, MD. If you don't have any kidney disease then perhaps you don't need it....but maybe it will be a motivating force for you. It has been for me. Ok, ok, no more of that talk. The weather here has been STORMY! Driving back from vacation we were caught in the midst of horrible storms with tornado warnings. So bad that I covered my face with a pillow and cried! But I am a wimp. I came back to work again yesterday....and went to physical therapy with for my wrists...I've been paying bills, reading, watching Sex & the City (!), etc. I'm about to eat some dinner and take a walk. I miss you. I want you to try to. Tell me how you're going to. Love you. xoxoxo
from punkonacloud :
Oh Claire. I wish you could have what you need. I wish someone could come and make it better for you. I love you lots and think about you lots and worry about you lots. Just so you know, I also have lots of hope for you. You are too good and talented to go this way. Just hang on a little longer... this is not the end. Life is long and it WILL get better. Even if I have to meet you oneday and MAKE it. Lots of love ~mel
from pinkcrayon- :
Hey sweetie... everything is fine, except my stupid ex (he had the link to my diary).. blah blah... so I locked it. The username/password is good times.
from genuine-risk :
Hi sweetie, I just got back from vacation. I talked to Gwennie tonight, and made sure to ask her about your letter. She just got it, I think yesterday, and it made her very happy. xoxox
from mylostdream :
I don't hate you at all! Why do you think that? xoxox.
from purgingme :
i love you claire. i have not sent you a letter as of yet. i have been in hospital. but i will soon. hold on for one more day. things are going to get better. with all my love, sharla
from genuine-risk :
Sweet little angel. I wish I could just wrap you up and hold you, and make everything ok. If we are blessed enough to meet no one will be closer than the other. We are soul sisters and I treasure you. Fight for me. Don't give up.
from lostunicorn :
All the way along i have been creeping silently and pushing everyone out. I never imagined they would let me go so easily. I haven't let you go and I won't ever. Would you like me to phone you??? In fact I may try tonight if you feel up to it:) Love and hugs Cheryl x
from genuine-risk :
Oh dear Claire. You haven't done anything to annoy me. I have just been sick and depressed and unable to type because of my carpal tunnel. :( I love you. I don't know what else to say. Gwen is doing ok. I try to reach her a few times a week. We always talk about how much we care for you and wish we could all be together. I love you love you love you. Please try to hold things together. xoxxo
from stumbelina17 :
new diary this is d-cokewhore aka bloodyvisage and now stumbelina17
from purgingme :
i wish i could run to you and hug and squeze you. tell you everything is going to be ok. im glad that your mom is giving you some slack but at the same time i wish you would hold your hand and help you get better. what happened to trying to get better? i know, its so hard and you wont do it until your ready. claire, could i have your adress. i would really love to send you a letter or note. something to chear you up. and also if you have the adress where gwen is at, i would like to send her something also. send me your adress to zerodoll22@hotmail.com. if you want to. love you much. xo sharla
from person26 :
Dear JF: You have an interesting journal. You are so honest in your openness. Let me tell you something. I think others have said similar things. Really, the only peace ive gotten over the last good many years has been from asking God for help. I prayed and had others praying for me. I'm not even the most devout person around. I am suspicious of people who claim supernatural things. I tried to pray as a little child relying on God and asking for help in my intense pain. I had the feeling from things that happened and things that strangers said to me that God was getting my attention, picking my mind and touching me in a personal way(s) enough times so intently and personal that even as a suspicious person, I concluded overwhelmingly that God was touching me personally. I had much relief for years, although I am back in the bad now. How quickly I turned to other things to hide in when in reality the main thing that worked was relying on God to help me and not other things. Through exhaustion, I have gradually given up the addictions that I relied on, simply because they do not work and bring emptiness and hopelessness, agony. I am scared and feel bad, but God was really the only one who knew how to get me out in very personal ways. The things that happened made me realize that God is really closer than He seemed before. Still, it is hard not to latch onto other things. I dont have "any" answers other than that one. "Carelessly" maybe said it better than I did, she has read your journal much longer than I have. Try to be like a little child needing help from God. Our ways lead to emptiness and hopelessness. Even the simple things in life meant to make me feel better bring emptiness when i think of them. Only the thought of God and relying on him give me peace of mind. The rest is a black hole in my hungry heart. You are important. That's why I wrote. bye
from morbidhippie :
oh miss beautiful claire, please don't apologise for making me sad. you've nothing to be sorry for...i wish you equally as much as what 'rainforme' said...it would be a pure treat to see you start getting better, as i imagine you know..i think you're lovely. your words touch me everytime, and i feel mass empathy for you even though i can't honestly relate to alot of what you're going through. i'll continue to hold hope for you miss claire, as i imagine countless others do. keep writing, Your words are beautiful..xox
from punkonacloud :
I will be thinking of you all of tomorrow and hoping that tomorrow can be the rest you need and deserve. look after yourself. Love Mel.
from genuine-risk :
it means you are growing into a woman, a beautiful woman, depsite the destruction of your eating disorder. I thank God for that. Life is still possible for us Claire. I will write more soon. I love you and I'm sorry I've been away. xoxoxo
from secretshame :
he thinks you are beautiful as you are now. believe him! xoxo
from punkonacloud :
I am trying to hide as I write this becasue your entry has made me cry and I am in a public place. I wish I could be there. You have described your pain so well... too well. Even I cant bare it. Oh please hang on. I love you and I am worried and scared for you. And I am so so sorry that you know that much main. I feel helpless. I wish I could make it better. I dont even know what to say, BUT PLEASE HANG ON!!! Love you lots... so much. mel.
from rainforme :
mobidhippie mentioned you in her diary, so i came to have a look see and... i think you broke my heart. i was in tears over your entries and your photos because you are so incredibly beautiful and brave. i wish you a million gazillion moments with your cats, your books and your friends. everything that makes you happy. you have a gift with words and strength inside... let the strength shine. you are not just-fine, you are just-wonderful and i believe you can make it. take care of u. hugs.
from rapethismind :
I don't feel right, either. I feel like I'm spilling tea on a blue surface with every step I take...
from secretshame :
*big hug* ..wish i could give you one for real. i wish you had someone near you who you could cry to, tell everything to. i wish you could tell you mum, and have her hug you. i wish the people who're in your life were more active about helping you rather than being in denial. god, it's so unfair that you are fighting this alone. you have us girls on dland, but you deserve so much more claire. it's not fair. xo
from the-thinline :
i am praying for you always, in your time of distress. i know that you will pass this downtime. it just takes time. all those who never made it never gave it time. keeping fighting and taking care dear. i'm always thinking of you. <love><me>
from genuine-risk :
Claire! Test. Take insulin. Test for ketones. Right now. Do it. Please. xoxox
from rainy-daze- :
with lots of love and caring hugs. xxx
from genuine-risk :
You warm my heart each time I read your words to me. I will send you my address- please don't feel you should send me a package- I LOVE letters. So how about we send each other cards? I love you Claire and I'm thinking of you today.
from lostunicorn :
On an unrelated topic how do I add my notes page to me diary? Also how can I change what the links are called on my page. I have some basic html knowledge but can't seem to make it work. Thanks honey x
from lostunicorn :
Your entry about why you are here touched me so much that words cannot describe it. Although you cannot see it you are a beautiful and intelligent girl and the world would loose an angel if you left. I know nothing I can say will make you believe this so i will say that everything happens for a reason. If you believe this you will stay strong. I don't know if you believe in a God or anything but I wanted to post this bible verse. I am not trying to push religion on you or anything like that but I wanted to give you something that has given me amazing courage and comfort: I John 4:10-12 "This is love: not that we loved God , but he loved us and sent his sonas an atoining sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends since God so loved us, we ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us". In essense your love and care for others is what makes you an angel x x x x x x x x x x
from genuine-risk :
I just wanted to add a few more "and's" to my note. And. And. Ha. Love you. xoxoxo
from genuine-risk :
I will believe in you as long as I know you Claire. I have seen the strength and and talent and love and vitality that is buried within you, and I KNOW you can make it. I care for you so much you sweet lovely girl. I miss you.
from limned :
i read your journal pretty consistently, and i'm going to butt into your like, k? you write in a way that gets right to the marrow of your soul, it's intense. you're alive because you have something to offer this world, and like everyone else part of it is your pain. don't forget to read poetry, there's so much that's been created from pain that's beautiful.
from wipethetears :
You are obviously still here, alive, for a reason. Who ever is up thier in the blue sky above us is helping you survive because you are to be something. I know you probably here this alot, but so many poeple care about you... they love you so much, the last thing they want you to do is suffer, but even worse die. Your scaring everyone surrounding you, even poeple reading you. I had a sister who was bulimic with anorexic tendencies, and it almost killed her. She fucked our family over so bad. Now look at me. I am suffering and wishing I was oblivious, due to the fact that she fucked our family up. You don't want to ruin others lives, trust me... You have a bigger effect on poeple than you think, and don't ever forget that. This is not a bitch note... I love reading you, sometimes you bring me to tears. I hope to God you survive.
from genuine-risk :
I'm sorry about locking it up. I unlocked it. I'm just afraid of everything right now. I miss you. What can I do to make you feel a little better? Send me your address. Do you still have my email? xoxoxo
from delicategirl :
I thought I'd leave you a message to tell you I'm thinking of you, and that I appreciate our friendship. I think you are truly beautiful and I'm sorry I never seem to let you know all of these things enough. xxxooo
from kmarie420 :
Sweet girl, I don't even know your name, but you mean so much to me. From the moment I read your diary, I knew that you were special. I know they're words that you've heard before, but you deserve to smile (for real!), to feel good in body and spirit, and to live the life that was meant for you...Anorexia and bulimia are lonely diseases. I've been lonely for almost 10 years. Never lose hope, for hope is what keeps us alive another day. Remember that there is a reason why you are still with us. Something wonderful is planned for your life, if you allow it to happen.... You are never alone... Kristina
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* I think you're amazing x x x
from punkonacloud :
You need a huge HUG and I wish I could be there to give it to you. Dont feel guily about the way you feel and think. You cant help it at the moment, and every person here can see how you are always trying. You are fighting a really brave battle against bulimia and depression, which are both DISEASES. You dont chose to be that way, so dont jusge yourself harshly because of the way you feel and think. As far as colleges go... perhaps not going to college this year is a good thing. It gives you some time and space to try and figure out what you want and need from life. It is a chance to try and regain some health. Then next year you can apply again and hopefully have more fun and do better than you would if you went now while you're trying to deal with everything else. Love you lots Claire... and I am keeping my eye on you always...
from brokenmirror :
Hey darling, you're not bothering me at all, and I can so understand you, it can be really difficult to see anything in this mess of code :) If the sign is bothering you, and you want to get rid of it, you can either email me the code of your diary and i change it for you (I promise i won't abuse this :D), or i can email you the changed code, just as you wish. many loves and kisses =♥=
from anainsight :
I am so sorry that you are feeling so low and down. It is a feeling that I can relate to a hundred percent. And the worst part is, you think it is never going to go away. It's like a heavy weight, heavier than you think you can bear. Sometimes I feel just like a black veil falls over me, and I'm never going to get out. When I try to tell my mom how I feel she never understands either and I end up just shutting up and hiding it all inside. I wish you would write some more poems. Maybe if you could put it all into words and get it down in that kind of format, that would help it go away. I am sad about Gwen but hopeful at the same time. I wish that you would have the same chance. I think of you often and I look forward to your posts. If I were not in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from brokenmirror :
oh honey you're not stupid at all!!! i copied the code which is near in the message below. in the middle of the text, do you see the sign which says " ¬ "? Thats this mysterious letter which you can just delete :) I've started a letter to you today, it'll take me some more time to finish it, but i promise it'll get to your pretty hands soon!! Love you lots =♥=
from brokenmirror :
<BODY text=#ffffff vLink=#da11f0 aLink=#da11f0 link=#da11f0 bgColor=#000000 leftMargin=0 topMargin=0> <TABLE height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"> <TBODY> <TR height="100%"> <TD vAlign=top width=383 height="100%">  <DIV align=center> <P><img src=http://img55.photobucket.com/albums/v168/xbloodsportx/burn.bmp> </P></DIV></TD> <TD class=lr vAlign=top width=391 height="100%"> <CENTER>
from weathernoise :
hello darling; i love your new layout... i caught myself up on your diary entries today, and am sorry things are not very happy for you. :-/ i hope you feel better, you are lovely. xoxo, katryn naomi
from kari92 :
I'm sorry you're feeling so down :( I really wish there was something I could do to help, or even to make you feel just a little better. Cling to the fact that things can get better - you can get better - and you won't feel like this forever. Take care...
from genuine-risk :
It pains me deeply to see your latest entry. What do you need from me honey? What can I do to help ease your sadness? I wish you lived in this country. How can I help you? You are so hard to get in touch with. Oh dear. I emailed you and PM'd you about Gwennie. Love you sweetie. You CAN pick back up. And if you do that you and Gwen can come stay with me and I will love you and we will be happy. xoxoxo.
from brokenmirror :
haha, oh sorry, that letter is a Swedish ¬ (pronounced "o"), i must incidentally have pressed the wrong key on my keyboard :) I searched for it, its right over the img link you just changed. You can simply delete it, it has no function at all. If you ever want me to fix/ change/ whatever something, you know where to find me :) love you lots!!! =♥= Ria
from brokenmirror :
angelheart, I'm so glad you like the layout!! :) Though there seems to be a problem with your image, thats because I hadnt found a really reliable free image host but now i have!!! Just go to "change each entry", search for the "img" tag and replace the whole tag against "<*img src*=http://img55.photobucket.com/albums/v168/xbloodsportx/burn.bmp*> of course without the 3 * ;) lots of loves and hugs, you're so amazing and beautiful, I love you so =♥=
from genuine-risk :
I got excited when I read about you shopping for the new clothes. Don't be shy about being stylish. You are an artistic soul. I'm sorry, again, that you're having a hard time. Claire, what do you need to put the breaks on the purging? Do you see a therapist? Do you think you need to? You were doing well earlier- you wanted to be better for YOU. Where did that go? I know how hard it is to be in the middle- wanting to lose more and more, wanting to please others and be free of their scrutiny. It's so distressing. I'm worried about you. I know you can make it Claire. I am worried that you don't have the right kind of support. Oh hon. What do you think you would need to get better- even just a little bit better? xoxoxoxoxoxo thinking of you.
from cherry-girl :
Like the layout, though I can't see the picture. I added you to my LJ friends....mine is _blackeyedgirl_ Love you Claire.
from brokenmirror :
((my sweetest, this is just a flying visit I should be at class already. Did you receive my email with the attached file of your layout? I'll come back later this day to read your diary, I'm sorry for the shortness. Love you heaps and heaps, gorgeous =♥=))
from cherry-girl :
Waht's your livejournal, sweetie?
from genuine-risk :
Oh sweet Claire. I want to rescue us.
from lostunicorn :
Hiya honey added you to my livejournal my name is madeofmagic x x x x
from supergirl7 :
Hey i was just wondering if i could be added to your list on your livejournal. I just got one of those. And i still have my diaryland one becouse i read yours as much as anorexics drink water. My addy is fairpoppet at livejournal. Take care
from genuine-risk :
Oh dearest Claire, no words you write to me would ever be meaningless, only precious. I feel like you and Gwen are my soul sisters. We are struggling together. My heart is there with you. xoxoxo Sarah
from mjraven87 :
Whatever I can do to help
from genuine-risk :
I wish I could be near and do kind things to make you smile. And I wish we could feel comfortable. Feel like we are ok. Like we could begin to heal. I wish we didn't hurt so much. I wish this wasn't happening to us. Claire I am thinking of you and every day I pray that you will find this easier, find your way to health. xoxox Sarah
from punkonacloud :
Hey Claire. I am so sorry to hear things are bad for you again. I love you always. I locked my diary ... well... suddenly I felt exposed and it scared me. My username and password is in my sig on tf. I would post it here, but my paranoia is intense and I dont want people I dont trust getting hold of it. Love you lots and lots and lots... mel
from shellbell212 :
I clasp on to your words every day. I don't know what I'd do without your diary. Although your pain is different than mine it still cuts the same flesh and hurts just as much. *I treasure you*--shell
from mjraven87 :
If I were there and I really knew you I would hug you and hug you. Don't know what else to say....
from zerodoll :
if you cant handle a real entry just leave a note so that we may know that you are still ok. just so i dont have to worry to much about you. you are in my thoughts. with all my love, sharla
from genuine-risk :
Oh honey, you are so sweet to me. Thank you for your kind kind note. It makes a world of difference to know that someone is there with you in this fight, doesn't it? I am with you too, Claire. I am sorry you're having a hard time. We are just a bit depressed at the moment! Dammit, I think we need some Spice Girls ;) What are you trying to do to get your sugars in check? I have ordered a new pump with this new calculator technology...you can read about it on minimed's website. Also I am trying to dose more effectively and not go so high. I miss you sweetie, haven't seen you around the boards much lately. We have got to set up a time to chat soon. xoxo, thinking of you.
from brokenmirror :
Yes angel, I found the pen, too, and thank you soo soo much for it!!!!!!!!! Its beautiful, so glittery and happy and magical, it absolutely made my day!!!! THANK YOUUU!!! I do think that burn2 fits your writing style, I've chosen the picture because I knew you would like it. THe size of the pic is fine? Or do you want it a little bigger? There wont be any adds at your diary, dont worry! Do you want me to send you the code for the template? I love you heaps and heaps, keep going angel!! =♥= Ria
from rainy-daze- :
I'm not sure :-s Please don't be paranoid [not that you can help it]. Grr, I always put my foot in it. I just erm, recognise you. Perhaps we've passed on the street. Hayley was in a hospital near Lancashire, if that means anything..? I dunnow, I've probably never even seen you. Don't worry. Thanks for the note, I'm honoured :) xx
from genuine-risk :
Hey sweets, how did Easter dinner go for you? How was your holiday? Mine was ok. I ended up purging part of my dessert...but I didn't want to throw up too much lest I take too long and other people became suspicious. I am thinking of you. xoxoxo
from rainy-daze- :
aah, Spice Girls rule. I looked at your photos. They are so sad :( But hey, you look so familiar. Don't mean to pry, but where were you in hospital? You don't need to tell me, you just look really familiar. *caring hugs*
from homerismygod :
PS i am quite obsessed with the spice girls too, i listened to them on the way to work today ;)
from genuine-risk :
Hey honey, thanks for your note. I am doing ok. My sugars have been pretty BAD- last night I had one that was 468, one of my highest ever. I don't know where that came from- I ate something and underestimated the carb content. Then this morning I was 62. :roll: My last A1C (about a month ago) was a 7.9. A few months before that it was an 8.0. Not so good considering I have been 6.9 within the last two years. I need to get my act together. I'm picking back up again today, I swear. Love you girl.
from floatnangel :
Oh God, ((for some reason)) i just NOW looked at you photos && you are [really] beautiful! && i cried because, i wish you could see what we all see..... but i know you cant =( *!*AngeL*!*
from homerismygod :
you are soso beautiful, and it makes me so depressed that you don't see it in yourself. and about the modeling- how is that a bigger accomplishment than your poems? anyone could be a model if they wanted to be, but only a few could write beautiful poems like you could. stay strong. xxx jasmin
from genuine-risk :
You GO to that movie sweetie! Keep smiling, and play that music as much as you need to. Hold on to these positive feelings. You are a beautiful young woman. I know that it won't change your perspective, but I wanted to say it anyway. Thinking of you, xoxo.
from genuine-risk :
It hurts me to see you feeling so sad. I wish we all lived closer to one another. I can't help feeling that we would be good at giving each other things we need. I would be crushed if you ever tried to take your life. PM me, email me, IM me, even call me (we probably can't afford that!) if you need to talk, ever. xoxoxo
from prosperpine :
Your words are beautiful, but the sentiment so sad...
from mjraven87 :
You're not the only one darlin. I never had much of a social life before but now I have even less of one. As for purging behind trees, I've done that too. Dignity doesn't even come into it does it? *sigh* Hope things work out for you I really do. Shell xxx
from sweetxtears :
aww sweetie i'm sure you'll get your life back. maybe you should consider telling the truth, let them help you. or if you cant do that set a goal of weight you thnk you could handle like maybe 100! you'd still be skinny and even more beautiful. and then you can just work out time and time to stay in shape. <3kaylin
from genuine-risk :
Oh Claire, of course you are going to feel distressed and a bit deceitful/on the defensive at such a stressful event- where you are being evaluated and measured and analyzed, and you know the result they want, they want you to be totally well. Well sometimes you can't be perfect and do everything at once. You can IF you are doing it for the benefit of others and not yourself. But this time any gains made toward health are for YOU. I don't believe that the feelings you had at that meeting mean that you will always have an eating disorder and be ill. Actually I think that is completely incorrect. If you can maintain that will and that hope then anything is possible for you Claire. I am thinking of you a lot. xoxoxoxoxo Sarah
from mjraven87 :
You're not selfish *hugs* Shell xx
from writergrrl88 :
you are a good person and you need to give yourself more credit than you do. you can be okay if you give yourself the chance. ~lita~
from genuine-risk :
Hi sweets, thank you so much for the notes you left me. I am doing ok. The BG have actually been great since I left my job, although I am struggling with restriction impulses. I miss our little PM's, I'm sorry I haven't been online much lately. I am still so proud of you and I think of you every day. Want to chat online sometime soon? I hope your day today is beautiful. xoxo
from caged-mia :
I had braces for a few years until I was 17, and they did wonders for my self-esteem. I know they are uncomfortable, but they really will make your teeth look awesome in the end. take care caged-mia
from knock-first :
dont be sad- you seem really neat- I used to be like you, then I got sick of being a victim-when you decide that, you will be done. Now I have to scrape to come up with depressing things to write about. Hehe, at least you still have plenty of material.
from punkonacloud :
I was also a brace face once. I know how much they can hurt and how scary it is to get used to how you look with them, but I honestly think they are worth it. What braces did for my smile and as a result my self-esteem was worth every night and day of crying in pain. Hopefully they can act as a deterrant from purging as well. Love you lots~ Mel
from freaknuraw :
I was reading your diary. ( I got it from Gwennies diary). I'm Jori, and am very close to Gwen. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened. But just know that there are people out there who do care, and never give up. Take care, and be strong. Always, Jori
from the-thinline :
dear, braces really aren't so bad. after one becomes used to them they are really only a bit of a nuisance sometimes but that is all. i've had braces two years and finally am getting them off. they can do wonders for a self esteem. i wish you good goings on your appointment. they are scary as you already know. i'm keeping a prayer for you dear, take care, <love><me>
from mjraven87 :
Braces suck don't they? I had one top and bottom about 2 years ago. The one on the top was to pull all me teeth forward to fill in big gaps where teeth should have grown but didn't so I know how much it hurts. *hugs* take care darlin, Shell xxx
from punkonacloud :
Oh Claire, I really am sorry that this is such a difficult and painful process for you, but everytime I read and you are able to say something a little bit positive despite a bad day, I have hope. It really is a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back process though. I am glad today went better food wise, but I am sorry to hear you are starting to feel depressed. I wanted to tell you though, that this is going to be a vital stage. You are going to have to dig real deep, but this is where you have to be particularly determined. Dont give into the craving to hurt yourself and give into depression again. Aks questions, ask why. You said something vital feels missing, you need to try figure out what it is. Your self-harm is a way to hide from that emptiness and to ignore the real issue, but you need to know what the emptiness is. The craving to slip back into ed behaviour and depression rather than figure it out is what your next big step is going to be. So write. Think... do anything but binge. Surviving this stage and examining the reasons for your sadness and self-neglect is what will set you free to be happy and what you've always wanted. Good luck... I am always following your progree and holding thumbs. Lots and lots of love and admiration... ~Mel
from wolfstone :
i just read your entry; claire, i would give anything to help you, truly. i'm so worried about you, and no, worrying is not the only thing you make us do, you touch us as well. your entries are really moving, and claire, you are so beautiful, you really are. just that i'm so worried about you..take care, alright? *hugs*
from mjraven87 :
*hugs* wish there was something I could do to help you hon. xxx
from brokenmirror :
OK, angel, we'll make it differently. This is what i wanted to say in the email :) There are a few pages that offer images like www.freeimages.co.uk, or www.gettyimages.com, or www.deviantart.com. You can always do a google image search by keywords. I also have a very good friend who's a photographer. You can find some of her pictures at www.kristentruax.com If you dont find what youve been looking for (but have an idea of what it should be like) just EMAIL HER!!!!!!!! She has tons of pictures, shes amazing, and she LOVES SHARING!!!!! Really, she does. Dont be afraid to bother her by requesting a pic, you dont, infact you make her happy!!! So DO ASK!!! I'll also post the link to the pics i wanted to send you, I've uploaded them to my webspace. Just copy and paste. I hope you'll like them or give you an idea. love always =♥=
from sapphire292 :
457. Over four hundred and fifty people are aware of your worth, screaming that you don't disappoint, you don't fail, you do matter. ... I'm sorry that you couldn't make it 3 days, after purging 6 times a day this week of no control has seemed a hell. Getting "better" for them means no motivation on my part, and I know as soon as their eyes are on someone else, I'll be heading down the same self-destructive spiral. Sorry to ramble at you. You are beautiful Claire, I wonder if we really could leave it all behind if we wanted? Much love. Here always.
from punkonacloud :
I am smiling and so so happy. Keep going, you are doing so well. YAY for Claire!!!
from rsvp-ido :
Claire! my eyes began to tear as i read your last entry!! im am so happy for you and glad that you were able to do what you have done! good luck hun, i will be thinking of you! <3 Angie...[lina19]
from anainsight :
Your last posts have given me hope - I think that if you can do it, so can I. Please stay strong for you. I am thinking of you and send you a hug.
from lostunicorn :
Congratulations! I told you you were strong:)
from punkonacloud :
you have no reason to feel worthless. You are seriously doing so well. Bulimia is an addiction. It is going to be hard to overcome. Dont stop trying thought because it is possible. Frankly you are just making me so proud because you are trying. I am thinking of you often. :hug: I hope today is easier for you, and more than that, I hope you forgive yourself for today. Lots and lots of love~ Mel
from emadream :
Claire, I've just read your entry and I'm so happy for you. You can recover and be healthy again. Hang in there:)
from may-leigh :
hey. You don't know me. I love reading your diary...it's amazing and right now im crying because i want so much for you to make it through the next three days. You are the most beautiful writer and probably are an equally beautiful person. Know wut? I'm gonna try to do this with you...although i probably wont be successful. I truly believe you can do it tho. I'll be praying for you my dear.
from cheerbear623 :
i'm so horribly proud of you for not giving up even with minor setbacks. it's going to be really hard, but just remember that there are soooo many people here and elsewhere, myself included, who believe in you. keep up the good work, and best of luck.
from writergrrl88 :
Best of luck this week-end. I know you can beat this thing. You are a brilliant woman, and you can get rid of this situation (yes, I know it'll take time) with enough mind-over-matter. I believe in you. ~lita~
from rainy-daze- :
Look at all these people who love you, care for you, feel you, wanna help you... Anyway, your latest entry is probably one of the most beautiful. The emotive language you use is spectacular, i am so jealous of your talents. Anyway, good luck, and look forward to reading your updaTE. I know you can do it sweetheart :)
from brokenmirror :
dear, I sent you an email with my newset ideas on your template, with links to photo galleries and 2 pictures that i thought you might like at your template. I have found a poem to add for the links and I have found a poem you published in your diary that you migth want for you moving text. Did you receive that email? If not I can send it to you again :) Love you heaps!! =♥=
from shellbell212 :
beautiful entry. I could feel every experience and emotion from your words...the picture was painted so clearly and with such care. I can't wait for the update Tuesday!!! I expect a good one, you deserve it.--shell
from cherry-girl :
Oh my god! I am so happy. You're most recent entries almost made me cry cause I'm so happy for you. I love you.
from mjraven87 :
Hey hun. My mum is exactly the same. The "I know your're dieting/restricting" etc when I'm sitting there infront of her eating something baffles me. To me normal is 2 meals, dieting is 1 meal, maybe less, and restricting is nothing but water.
from punkonacloud :
Claire I am so very very happy and so proud of you. I cant describe. I know this is and will continue to be hard for you. It is a long process, but you are so strong, and full of such amazing stuff I am sure you can do it. Watch out world! Love you LOTS!!!
from the-thinline :
:) i am so happy to hear that you're making your way pleasantly. it's alright to have stumble stones along the way as long as you pick yourself along again, as you have :) i can't even describe the smiles that entry has brought to my face! i am so happy for you! continue doing well, darling <love><me>
from emadream :
Dear Claire, you dont know me but I'm emadream on TF. Ive been reading your diary for some time and you write amazingly well. Your entries are always so touching. You seem to be such a beautiful, caring person. You definitely don't deserve to be trapped with this ED. Pls get well. It will be okay, girl. You hang in there. *hugs*
from mjraven87 :
*hugs*
from punkonacloud :
Oh Claire! I am so happy after reading that last entry. I still wish that you could see what a wonderful worthwhile person you are, and use that as your motivation to recover, but just to consider recovery, to give it a 'try' is making me so incredibly proud of you. I hope things go well. I am so glad you kept the soup down, small steps. I love you lots and lots and lots and lots and lots!!!!!!!!!
from the-thinline :
oh- no worries :) i rarely check my guestbook anyway as it is rarely signed so i did not recieve that messege until just now. but it is okay :) i will catch up with you later and i wish you the best <love><me>
from the-thinline :
i have been thinking of ideas for a template for you and when i think of what "fits" would be smoky colors.. soft, pretty but kind of sad. like a dusty rose or cobalt blue. i was wondering if you'd like images, if you had one in particular you would like me to build a template around, or if there was a certain theme you are interested in but i understand if you don't because i can't ever think of any for myself.. but any thoughts would be helpful and i'll make a few to give to you and you can choose what you'd like :) take care darling. <love><me>
from ponyluv :
when i read your diary, i just hold my breath. beautiful and touching words. another girl on another keyboard on the other side of the world who puts together sentences that make me hold my breath. and you suffer so much... it's not fair. you are a beautiful person and a talented writer who touches other people's lives. i wish i could fix everything for you. i believe in you. okay. bye bye <3
from slayne :
this isn't all there is to living. x♥x
from rainy-daze- :
oh my god, I feel exactly the same as you about Holly and Jessica. I watched it last night too, and like you, cried my eyes out. It makes me so angry, so confused. It hurts me to know that such precious angels full with innocence are being murdered, assaulted, abused... the list is endless. Holly was such a beautiful child, the spitting image of her Dad. And Jessica too... two best friends, removed from the world. Why? And all Huntley gets is prison. What good will that do? Like Holly's mother said, perhaps he should be hanged. And slowly at that. Love always x x x x x
from rainy-daze- :
oh my god, I feel exactly the same as you about Holly and Jessica. I watched it last night too, and like you, cried my eyes out. It makes me so angry, so confused. It hurts me to know that such precious angels full with innocence are being murdered, assaulted, abused... the list is endless. Holly was such a beautiful child, the spitting image of her Dad. And Jessica too... two best friends, removed from the world. Why? And all Huntley gets is prison. What good will that do? Like Holly's mother said, perhaps he should be hanged. And slowly at that. Love always x x x x x
from carelessly :
this may mean anything to you. and i'm probably not the first person who has said this to you either. you are worth something. God made you worth something. God loves you. amongst the lies that live inside and the holes that consume i know you can't feel this love. that you can't find it in all the darkness that covers you. but i promise, it is there. this disease is a trap that was set for you. it is not your fault. none of this is your fault. i pray that as you read this, that you would look for God and find who he really is for yourself. because that is what he wants. he wants your heart to truly believe it. for him to give you the freedom you have to want to find him, to know him. i believe God has never been real to you because of how you view him. he is closer to you than you think. he is not far away. this is by no means some quick fix "because Jesus loves you everything will be all better right away." because the pain is there. it is tangible. felt every second of every day. i'm just saying looking for God might be your only hope, your last resort. He is there for you. no matter what you have done or the mess you think you have made. i've been reading your diary for a year now, i just come back every so often and catch up. i have grown to love you. to cry for you. to feel for you. to hate this disease for you. this is all i have that can help you. it may seem small, but to me it is everything i need. thank you for sharing your life with me.
from supergirl7 :
Ah honey, Don't give in. Don't drop anchor here. This dieases is just trying to fuck you over. But you are so much more then that. Better then that. Don't you dare give up. Talk about what hurts. Don't be afraid to pour your soul out. Just get the hurt out so that it stops eating you up. Please please don't give up. Don't become a stitistic.
from sandbox101 :
hmm....well I was thinking about it...and making myself throw up isn't really gonna help me much...cause after I do it my throat hurts and yah I don't really feel all that good...so I've stopped...and I hope I won't ever have to do it again. Thanks for caring! I really appreciate it =)
from rainy-daze- :
ah claire, so many people love you. xxxx
from punkonacloud :
Thanks so much for the note you left. It really helped. I'm doing a bit better now... I just went througha chemical *&#$-up. Reality is slowly re-eastablishing itself. I love you lots and lots... mel-bel. (poac)
from sandbox101 :
Thanks for sending me that message...and I guess your right...it isn't a good thing to do...and theres probably a reason why I wasnt able to do it in the first place.
from mjraven87 :
I know you probably don't read my diary, and I don't see why you would want to, but I feel really close to you but still a million miles away. I know this is going to sound really silly but I'm going to say it anyway: you're like an imaginary friend to me, only real. Sounds really daft doesn't it? Lol. Take care darlin xxx
from mjraven87 :
I'm sorry things are pretty shitty for you at the moment. Hope it starts getting better soon. You sound like such a lovely person, you deserve some happiness *hugs* xxx
from sapphire292 :
A thousand thank- yous. You are, and will always be amazing no matter what you think. Love.
from lilgirl-lost :
i was reading Mel's diary.. her entry about how she wishes she could help you, because you truly desrve it. and as an example of how many people care aboutyou, she suggest you search how many people link to your diary. (441, when i checked) but that wish is the same from many of us. your words and thoughts are haunting. and even though i'm thousands of miles away and mean nothing to you, am not a blip on your radar, and you care or no nothing of me, i wish you the best, as always.
from mjraven87 :
Thanks, lol. I'm glad I'm not the only person who does it :o)
from punkonacloud :
Love you claire. Sending a huge hug right now to keep you warm and safe. people are thinking of you and wishing you the best constantly. Dont ever forget that.
from sapphire292 :
I just wish I could show you how much I care about you. You are a complete stranger to me, and I to you, but I would give up all the smiles that have ever crossed my face to see one sincere smile on yours. Love.
from bad-kitty-6 :
Ive Been One Of Your Readers For Some Time Now. I Just Want You To Be Okay! Hopefully You Will Be But Remember You Dont Have To Get Better Today There Is Always Tommarow ( My Couseler Tells Me That)
from life4rent :
What you said about it being perfectly acceptable to forget you is totally untrue. If I knew you in person I most definitely would not forget you. You deserve to be remembered always and forever. You are worth remembering and I'm sure I will as the amazing girl who's diary I had the privilege of reading. The beautiful girl who always deserved so much better than she got. The girl who deserved to be well again. <33333
from the-thinline :
if you'd like, i could design a template for you - i'd just like to know a few basics about what you like/want and it would be no problem :) hopes for you cheering up <love><me>
from rainy-daze- :
Is there something about me that you don't like? I just get the impression you have something against me, cos you *never* respond to my notes. You and Hilde (emptyempty) are two people I care about so deeply. I just wish I could do something to help you both. You're both such amazing talented young people with so much to give. xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx
from aorist :
*hugs* Thank you for your GB entry :) New pw and such... so here you go. aorist/smallville. love ya
from dimstar :
Claire, never feel like you are bothering me. I would be so sad if I didn't hear from you. I always look forward to messages from you. :) I never got the e-mail :( Hopefully I will though. My sugars were under control for a while. In fact, I had the best sugars in the clinic. I never let my mom give me an injection though. And I have had some very severe hypos as well, in the 20s. I think that is in the ones. I should have been comatose, but I wasn't. I never started skipping insulin until I decided I didn't deserve it and could lose weight by it...etc. My brother was so jealous of all the attention I got too, but it was awful. I was punished for high numbers, and put on a protein low calorie diet at age 10. I hated it, and became malnourished to the point where I had to go live with my aunt to go to the hospital up in San Fransisco. Things got better, but then my ed kicked in full force. Sigh. We have to meet Claire. We will. Do you ever turn on your instant messenger? I love you sweetie. Please take care. xoxo Gwen
from thinmedown :
This is anawaif01. I am back with a new diary and I'm ready to loose...*sighs* It never ends.
from anainsight :
I wish I could tell you how much your poetry just blows me away. I used to write poetry but I am way too scared to post them. I can't even describe how much your poetry speaks to me. even though we are far away from each other I feel like I understand you perfectly, and yet I am very different. I hope you don't mind if I add you to my list of favorites. when your poem gets published I would love to read it. I send you a hug from way far away in Georgia.
from mjraven87 :
I wish I could say something a little less pathetic than *hugs* but thats all I want to do; hug you.
from sad-doll :
I love you Claire. ♥ Things will get better soon.
from mjraven87 :
I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to hug you forever xxx
from dimstar :
Claire, I am so worried for you. If I was there I would have given you a birthday present and thrown you a party. My mom says that we will sponsor you to come here if you would like. I talk about you all the time. Consider it anyway. I worry so much about you, and I care. (((hugs))) It may not be the best place, but at least we could work through this hellish eating disorder-diabetic stuff together. I love you sweetie. xoxo Gwen
from rainy-daze- :
If only I could hold you. If only I could ease your pain. If only I could wipe away your tears lined with sadness. If only....... loads and loads of love and hugs, -Rai
from brokenmirror :
sorry for messing up your notes setting :/ Dont worry about me, please!! My friend silver and i just decided to trade suicide notes I'm so very sorry for worrying you. love always =♥=
from brokenmirror :
HAPPY VERY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so very sorry i didnt congratulate earlier, but theres already something little on the way to you that i hope you'll enjoy. and also my angelheart: CONGRATULATION ON GETTING YOUR POEM PUBISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we've all always known that you have an incredibly awesome talent at writing!!!! Walk that way darling!!!! I love you heaps and heaps xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx =♥=
from dimstar :
I feel your pain and it breaks my heart. I wish I was there with you, or you were here with me. You always have a place here. Please Claire, take some insulin. I guarantee that if you take 30 units you will feel much better, and you need it so badly. I am praying for you. You are always in my thoughts. Desparation to help you runs through me, but it can only run to this keyboard, trying to say the right thing, do the right thing, make the right words appear on screen... And I love you too much to have you go blind, lose your eyesight, kidneys, limbs.... Or life. Please Claire... God, I wish I knew what to say. I love you sweetie. Take care. xoxo Gwen
from quantum87 :
did you just realize my diary is locked?
from mjraven87 :
"I can't find a middle area between still and sprinting. I need to learn to walk" yeah, me too xxx
from rainy-daze- :
you are such a talented writer. If I could do *anything* to save you, then I would. I've never met you, don't even know you, don't know much about you, yet I feel as though I know everything. I feel as though I should be helping you. I feel a sense of responsibility. Your latest entry is heartbreaking. If only I could help. xx
from dimstar :
But Claire, you must try to live. Because we are one and the same in everything, and if you go I go. I have been thinking like that lately as well, because it seems so scary, hanging between the lines of life and death, never knowing if you will make it through the night or go into a diabetic coma, or die... It seems like death would be easier than the fear, and it probably would. But someday I will meet you in person. And you will get better Claire. My mom keeps commenting on my weight loss, and it is harder and harder to get up. More and more soda cans sit next to my bed, a sign of how much worse things are getting. But we must make it... My mom says you can come here if you want/need, perhaphs on a student Visa? You could go into treatment here, or just come stay with me. I swear Claire. Please take care. At least a bit. xoxo Gwen PS- thank you for scanning the pictures :) Now I just have to figure out how to post them. Is there anything I can do for you? Let me know if there is. Anything...
from floaty-ana :
hey, ive just read your diary and you kinda remined me of myself when i was 16, i took an overdose, i thought suicide was the way out and that the world would be a better place without me in it, but the truth is it wouldnt be any different apart form the fact that my family would be sad. its not the answer trust me, and with a little help things will get better. they might not get much better but they improve... try to hold on and dont be afraid to ask for help, you seem a really sweet girl who's just got a hard life. just give it time xxx
from bad-kitty-6 :
I Love Your Diary, Your Entrys Make Me Wanna Get To Know You. So Note Me Back. ~*~SHELLE~*~
from tyana05 :
i think that you are strong enough to make it through this. i know you will! look at what youve made it through already! i know that you staying around might hurt, but, it might hurt you not to. you really dont know what the future holds for you and i think you should stay around and find out.
from lostunicorn :
I think your a star Love Lostunicorn x x x
from david34 :
17 years old. Still quite young. I haven't forgotten that you exist. Remember Claire, you are more than an eating disorder. Your true value isnt determined by what others think of you or even what you think of yourself. I dont want to come across as goody goody, OK. If they've forgotten that you exist, well, Claire, they weren't your friends to begin with. I'll be here if you want to contact a true friend. I hope you have other true friends. Each tear is worth more than all the gold in Fort Knox, Kentucky, USA.
from rmari777 :
Don't know you girl...but happy 17th...mine wasn't that great either.
from andmia :
happy b-day---i hope the remainder of the day gets better for you!!! Sorry things aren't going so great!! Best wishes andrea
from brokenbits :
Happy Birthday sweetie. maybe this will be a new beginning for you. I know how much you want to get well, and i know how hard you are finding it to find a way of doing it. hang in there. the main thing is not to give up. every step back is a blip - keep your will to succeed and you will get there one day babe, xxx Mo xx
from wire-ending :
happy birthday, darling. i love you a lot. <333
from ravenstears :
Happy birth day hun! I hope things start looking up for you soon, you diserve the best. Lots of love and good luck ~Casey
from sweetxtears :
<3HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweetie<3 i hope u have a good day even if its only for an hour or so that u find sumone happieness<3,<3 kaylin
from dimstar :
Claire, this makes me so sad. But I am so glad that you are still here. I constantly worry and pray for you. Your dad reacted probably the same way my grandpa did on my 17th. I was on a pass from treatment, flew across the country to come home for my birthday, hadn't been home but one for a day in eight months, and all he could talk about was how he didn't pay to take everyone out on my birthday so I could eat a salad, and how come I didn't have more meat on me? So yes, I understand. And I love you so much Claire. It breaks my heart. You deserve better. I wish you could come live with me... I love you. xoxo Gwen
from onyx-cherub :
<3
from rainy-daze- :
so much love <3 xxxxxxxxxxx
from laura-ly :
Happy early Birthday. Be strong...you're beautiful, I really wish you could see it. Take care. xoxo
from slayne :
You are beautiful. Please don't forget.
from dimstar :
Don't say that Claire. Saying that you are losing will make you lose this battle. We are in this together. Don't give up. Please. I love you. I am here for you. I wish I could be there.... xoxo Gwen
from brokenhrtd86 :
Claire, I don't know if you remember, but last year you left me a note on my diary page. Ever since I've been reading what you write, and it really moves me how you are able to write so openly about what you're going through... I wish I could. I was forced to try nonchalance after I was found out... it never stopped me. I think you're fascinating, I really do. I just wanted to say hey.
from sweetxtears :
thx, i really hope life gets better for you and you win this struggle <3 <3
from andmia :
I just want to say that u are an amazing writer. I find you to be so interesting. I am sorry that the struggle is really hard right now, but hang in there. You have so many great things to offer!If you ever need support or just to talk--Im here for you! andrea
from sweetxtears :
added you as a favorite hope u dont mind
from supergirl7 :
I was wondering, if you could tell me how much a stone weighs. Like in kilograms or pounds. I've always have wondered that. Anyway. I love your diary, i read it every time you update. I love the passion that goes into your writing you say so many things that i wish i could say. I hope this new step in your life helps you. I wish the best in your recovery.
from dimstar :
Hey Sweetie, I think the shock feelings are due to dehydration and low potassium, and perhaphs a low bi carb, because I also got them as well, and still do, especially when my sugars are off the meter. I wish that I was there for you :( I am so worried, and I care so much. I do not know what I would do if I lost you. Take care. Just small steps... xoxo Gwen
from secretshame :
claire, on a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, my level of worry for you is about a nine and a half. you seemed so insistent on getting better last week, but then again i know how hard it is to kick a "habit" so to speak. i have some really really bad habits in my life that i can never seem to kick no matter what my mood is. but someone once told me that you can't let go of one bad habit unless you replace it with another. (which if you think about it, sounds pretty smart) i'm so worried about you feeling those electric shocks in your head! that sounds awfully scary and sounds kind of like an emergency...please don't just let it keep happening, see a doctor. anyway, i propose to you that you take up smoking. i know, i know, smoking is addictive bla bla bla, but it's far less risky than bulimia and i can garuntee you that it is impossible to think about food after you smoke. i guess that's a stupid idea, but i don't want you to kill yourself with this bulimia because you are so beautiful (and you think you're ugly?!) you could be a model anyday claire. and you can go to university! you have your whole life ahead of you, you just have to want it enough. hope you're okay, xoxoxoxoxo gem
from sweetxtears :
awww sweetie i have read a couple of your past entry's. you write so well i can realate to you on a certain level. you deserve so much more then life is giving you at this time. dont worry about the job, your still a wonderful person. i hope one day you belive that. <3<3kaylin
from writergrrl88 :
you deserve better than what life is giving you right now. i'm sure things will look up eventually, as long as you allow yourself the chance. don't give up and don't give in. i know you can beat this, and i know you can find a job that really will suit you. this was fate's way of saying this wasn't the job for you, it's not a reflection of you as a person.
from dimstar :
Claire, I am sure it wasn't you. There must have been so many applicants. You deserved the job so much though, and I am sorry. Please remember though, there was nothing deficient about you. (((hugs))) Don't take this out on yourself. It doesn't mean that you are fat and ugly. Claire, don't give up on recovery. Don't let this kill you. Fight it. I believe in you, and I so desperately want you to live. Start to try for recovery again right as you are reading this. Take 15 units of your short acting insulin, just to lower your acid blood levels. I love you Claire, and I believe in you. I will never give up on you, no matter what. Take care. xoxo Gwen
from rainy-daze- :
aaah noooo :( I am *so* gutted for you, I really am. You really deserved to get the job you wanted. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. You never know, it could've been really poor working conditons? You might not've liked it. But I am so so sorry. I really hoped you'd get it. Don't let one rejection stop you though. Keep going. You have to. I've been turned down before, and, like you, I take it to heart. Keep searching, and I promise you'll get a job. Good luck, take care and lots of love. xxxxxxxx
from onecutabove :
Good luck on getting the job. I really hope everything turns out for you, in your social life as well as hopefully your eating disorder getting a little bit better. I'm happy to hear that you're going to try. That's all you can do, really. Sorry I took so long to get back to you, I just checked my notes. The username for my diary is ilove and the password is tf. Good luck with everything and I hope things continue to go well. Love you hun.
from leasha95 :
hey angel. i read every entry and want to be as strong as you. thank you for writing such great entries, i call you an angel because you know how it feels to fly and reach the top, by overcoming the obstacles youve had so far in your life. inspire me, keep writing. youll make it. ~alicia
from rainy-daze- :
hey, you *will* get this job. You deserve it so much. I will be thinking of you, and praying to get this job. I see no reason why you won't. Take care, please. x
from dimstar :
You do not deserve this, none of it. I am so sad to see you going through this. I wish I was there to help make you stronger, to help you pull through, because I know you can. Please, throw the razors out. You can do it Claire. I love you. xoxo Gwen
from sad-doll :
oh darling. I wish I could make things better for you, you've gone through so much.
from laura-ly :
I wish I could give you a hug.
from dimstar :
Hi Sweetie, I am okay. I took ten units of Novalog, so I will be alright. The same goes for you. I care so much. Please, take care of yourself okay? xoxo Gwen
from hungryangel :
Hey babe, who are you on tf? I am ChocolateWhore
from comfortm :
hi i noticed i'm on your friends list...i had to lock my diary for personal reasons for a week or so so i am giving you the password etc... username: thiscantbe pass:life keep reading thanks.
from brokengirl18 :
oh my god im glad your back...
from dimstar :
No matter how tired, sick, or burnt out you are, I am here for you, and I love you. You are strong. You have strength beyond your last breath. xoxo Gwen
from rainy-daze- :
just to let you know I added you to my favourites. <3
from mslola :
i can relate to the spot light you speak of surrounding the Christmas feast. how is it that other can laugh and serve seconds and well...it just seems impossible
from beat-me :
i dont know if you remember me. i left a while ago. but. i send you love. kitti
from oceans-depth :
I'm glad you are Home Claire. Iwanted to wish you the Happiest of Holidays Sweet Girl. xoxoxo Deja
from asweettale :
i'm so glad you're back. i've missed reading your beautiful words! <33
from b-o-d-y :
I am thrilled to know that you are back, writting babe!! Merry Christmas!! <3 Brooke
from onyx-cherub :
merry christmas, darling. i love you.
from lilgirl-lost :
it's great to see you back and know that you're alive and kicking. i worry about you, really, i do. good luck with everything, and i hope you get all your hearts desires. keep on writing, your words are magic <3kay
from laura-ly :
Glad to see you back sweetie! You can get through this; you can get better if you really want it. Take care and have a happy holidays.
from thiswonthurt :
Good to have you back. Get in touch sweetheart. God bless x
from smartchick89 :
Dear just-fine, Wow. I never knew a person............. never mind that. I mean I see you are going to through a lot of stuff right now. If you are fat or something, why try starving yourself. Why are you hurting yourself. I think I'm way to skinny. And no matter how much I eat I can't seem to gain weight. You remind me of a friend I have. She tried to kill herself because she thought no one loved her and she was ugly. I was so scared for her life. And I might not even know you but I would like to get to know you. If you feel the same way. You can just leave a message in my notes. Peace out. Smartchick89
from greenheiffer :
it makes me angry and sad about what happened over your diary... that person had no right to do that, and i'm going to miss reading your beautiful words. take care claire, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us over all these months... i've loved getting to know a bit of you. xoxo
from bloodyvisage :
im sorry this had to happen to you if u want to leave me ur password just send it to bigfish_aj@yahoo.com oh, this is d-cokewhore (if u dont believe me, check the profile..or if u forgot or something)
from brokengirl18 :
people are animals. I beg you please can i have your password. i need you. please claire. **portia**
from hungryangel :
May I please have the password to your diary? I use to read yours all the time, but then you locked it =:(
from comfortm :
thank you for the sweet note ,luv...i'm still very sad bout the events concerning you. I really really miss reading your entries,honestly..you are my top fave diary and one of the most special ppl i have met ever online.I looked forward every day to reading bout how your doing..i hope after a period of time you'll reconsidered letting a few ppl back in??? Diaryland isn't the same with out you!!!xoxoxo ~Comfort~
from secretshame :
i wish you didn't have to leave. it's so unfair that your privacy was abused. god, i hate that. i loved reading your diary, never missed an entry. hope you will be okay and if you ever find a new space....i hope you won't be a stranger :) love u heaps, take care of yourself claire. xoxo
from aorist :
Sweetie, please email me or pm me... I am truely sorry your privacy here has been invaded. That makes me so mad.. Just email me. Maybe safer to talk to you about this shit that way. (hug) Love you girl, Jodee
from brokenmirror :
oh angelheart, I'm so sorry to hear that!!! did you get into big problems at the hospital because of what this stupid persn did? I hate losing you here on diaryland, i hate not knowing how you are doing!! PLease, make sure you're ok, be nice to yourself, dear!! i sent you a package but it got returned to me because i forgot to put the stamps on it (silly me!), so I'll send it off again tomorrow morning. I hope you're ok, I miss you so much!! i love you. take care =♥= Ria
from delicategirl :
Oh Claire, I miss you so much. I have grown so fond of you and you truly are such a special wonderful person. Please keep writing, in a paper journal or somewhere else on the net, because you bring words to life and your expression is so genuiene. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I hate that I am saying goodbye right now, thinking I will never hear from you again. Best wishes for you, xxoooo Emma.
from dainty-steps :
Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I will miss your diary!! I use to read your entries for thinspiration (like way back in the day), but this year I've relised that your entries are so much more than that. You've made me relise that eating disorders aren't a game. I just wish I new that before I started playing. I hope you get better. I have faith in you babe!! <3 Kara
from lostunicorn :
Thats awful! I'm sorry you can no longer write in here. Please keep writing even if its on bits of paper, your so talented:) If you need me please please don't be afraid to email - chezza_3@hotmail.com Love and Hugs always Believe in yourself for you are strong Cheryl aka Lostunicorn
from boogiebeep :
hey girl, I hope that you are okay, I really do. Could you or would you please email me, Id like to keep in touch girly.... love amberlee
from cherry-girl :
Ah! I'm going to go crazy about you! God, I wish I could know how you were doing, or even just be there for you. It really sucks that you're all the way over there. I'm really gonna miss you. xoxoxox <3 I love you, Claire.
from life4rent :
I know I've never left you a note or anything but your diary was beautiful and I'm so sad you had to shut it, I'm going to miss reading you and I'll never know now when you get better. {Have faith in yourself and keep strong}<3
from madeinfrance :
Hey Claire, This is Melia, you might remember me as Rouge99, we also talked on aol a few times. I loved reading your diary and have read it since I came to Diaryland a year ago. You write so beautifully, I will miss your updates. If you ever get a new diary please let me know. Take care sweetie, I only wish you the best. xoxo Melia
from thiswonthurt :
That sucks ass. Do you know who did it? email me o text or phne or whatever to let me know whats going on/how you are. Stay in touch and stay beautiful, you are an amazing person. remember that. x
from perfectbone :
I am sad that someone felt the need to do that to you. They could have at least spoken to you first. I have kept up with you for quite a while, and I hope that you become healthy some day, but we both know that is easier said than done. Good luck...you will always be in my heart.
from science-girl :
You POOR girl... I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm going to really miss your updates. You write so beautifully, even though the words are filled with pain and sadness... Take care of yourself, sweetheart. {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
from s-u-s-u :
I'm so sorry about what happened. I'm going to really miss reading your diary, I always looked forward to a new update. You were one of my favorites. Good luck to you.
from brokenbits :
:-(...... Heeey! I have been reading your diary on and off for a while, but more regularly recently. i see through your writing that you DO face tough thoughts and desisions, but all in all i really beleive you were getting stronger. Your illness is one which always has downs as well as ups. can you explain to the hosp that sometimes your thoughts are not ALWAYS reflective of your deeds? i remeber when i was at my most ill, the ana was the main thing in my head, but in the 'real world' i was trying really hard to fix it. this is what diaries are for!!! I hope you find a way to resolve this and that you can at least trust those closest of your online friends. i see you have many people who are SO there for you. i hope you find you cna let them in again one day as i see you get a lot of strength from their friendship. MO xx
from basebalbabe7 :
Claire~While you don't know me, I wanted to let you know that I have been reading your diary for a while now, and that you are a completely amazing person as well as a writer. Your dedication to be thin is more than I could ever imagine, and I congratulate you for being so strong. I'm sorry that someone had to ruin it for all your readers and I hope that all continues to go well for you. Remember you are an absolutely amazing person, don't ever give up. Kelli
from bruised0x :
stay strong <3
from comfortm :
claire i'm sorry bout what that person did. they had no right too..it wasn't their business...by reading your profile do it mean you not giving the username/pass out??? b/c claire i know you dont trust ppl right now...but i adore you and i trust you and i would never do anything to break your trust...i swear to god it wasn't me that did that too you...i dont even remember what hospital or where it was at....so with that said.....please claire i luv reading your diary...and i want to stay close to you..please think bout it hun,luv you!xoxo~Comfort
from cheerbear623 :
hey darling, i love your writing and am horribly sorry that someone would do that to you. i worry about you, but your diary should be your own, and they had no right to do that. since it seems we will be getting no more updates, i just wish you the best of luck. i hope someday you can realize how truly beautiful you are and always will be. and even though someone used this against you, just remember all the others here who love you and care about you. *hugs*
from go-ask-alyce :
I have been reading this diary religiously for so long, it's such a shock to hear this is being closed! are you not going to write in a diary at all? if so, can i have the name/whatever? I fear i may have to go inpatient soon...things are getting to hard to bear, and i'm getting very sick. i can't believe someone would do that...it's horrible. well, claire, please get healthy and come back and tell us all you're ok! <333 Gale
from fragile-maid :
Please please please pleaaaase can I have the user/password!! Who ever did that is horrid. I adore your diary!! I hope everything works out
from ihatebeth :
Pleaaaase may I have the username/password!!!!
from zerodoll :
oh dear, i will miss you so much. i cant believe someone broke your trust like that, but really its to be expected. people suck.i hope you can continue to get better. never give up hope. all my love, xo sharla
from wire-ending :
claire darling i will miss you and hopefully we can talk soon. xo
from ellemalen :
Claire.. I'm so sorry about what happened with the phone call. Can I please have a name and password? xo
from wispysoon :
hey sweetie.. i've never commented in here before, but i read your journal practically religiously and feel as if i know you. i can relate to so many of your emotions, and for the many, many things i can't relate to, i can only imagine. i wish you the best and hope you're doing well. keep up with the writing, you truly have a gift. if you ever unlock your diary or begin a new one, feel free to let me know, email misskayelle@hotmail.com <3 kay
from justbeenborn :
No way is that your fault! Talk about invasion of privacy! Awww i'm sorry hun :*( that must feel terrible, so betrayed... if you start anew could i please have the addy? You were one of the first i read here on my first diary and remained the first one i checked up on the whole time :) If you don't come back here, just please don't lose yourself to this :( best luck for the future hun XXX
from onedeadstar :
i dont know if your giving it out....but i would love to get your username + password...i love your diary....
from hungryangel :
Glad to see you're back from the hospital =:)
from wire-ending :
i love you so fucking much
from comfortm :
thank you for adding me on your fave list. that made my day:) i hope things are ok for you,that your still hanging in there...i worry so for you you know..i want so much for you to get better...i know you want to get better too...its such so hard to fight against yourself though,and i understand why you didnt go back to ip...i understand.you'll be in my thoughts.xoxo,Comfort
from asweettale :
your in my prayers, dear. i hope nothing but the best for you. your words, your diary, YOU.. are beautiful. never forget that. hope you don't mind that i'm adding you to my favorites. <33
from zerodoll :
claire, i just wanted to let you know i think you are a very brave woman and i believe that you can do this. i have read your diary for the past year, always with your best wishes in mind. one day i hope you find peace, and one day you will. hey at least your trying right. and thats alot to be said. xoxo sharla
from suicidalwhim :
<3 keep fighting, i'll keep hoping xx
from david34 :
Dear Claire: Let me introduce myself. I'm David. I live in North Carolina in the southeastern part of the United States. I know a lot about depression, too much. I've spent most of the last 12 years in deep depression and agony, 7 of the last 12 years, and almost all of the last 3 years. I'm easy to know. I'm NOT A fairweather friend. Despite my pains, I received so much positive love my first 11 years or so, so it comes easy for me to nurture. I have 17 cats. My email is davidglenn40@hotmail.com If you give me your email, I'll send some photos of me my girlfriend tonya and our houses and 17 cats. I'm about 94kg now but a few years ago I was about 60kg and the same height, a bit taller than average, and I was quite weak. I know about low self-estteem . Mine is so low now almost all the time, the agony I'm in, the oppressiveness of life. I will try to build you up in my letters, im here if you need to talk, I've written to your friend Hayley quite a bit. I'm glad you have her as a pal, because she knows your pain, at least more than most. I know what the word "friend" means, it means someone who is there for you. If you dont have a gold membership, let me know and I will purchase you one. I am kind and easy to know and you owe me nothing. It may take a day or two for me to get it sent off, but I'll get to it very soon. Don't let yourself die, please, remember you have to have accepted Christ as your savior before you die, or you'll go to HELL! i TELL you this as a friend, not to make you feel bad. Please try to survive for my sake if for no one else's . I dont know the full story behind your emotional pain, but I have read large parts of your diary today and I'm sorry to see your pain. I don't know your level of pain, but I know about my pain, which is intense almost all the time, emotional pain, and the rejection of others and society, especally when I was your age. I have Tonya to help carry my burden now, and I would like to help a bit with yours. You dont need to tell me where you live, but I want to plaster you with caring from across the ocean, to help sustain you a little to hopefully carry you over to a time where you will have at least SOME success over your emotional and physical problems. Write to me and read the words I write, the words that I hope to BURN INTO YOUR PSYCHE, TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOU "A----R----E" WORTH MORE THAN SHIT! Read my notes if you will, you owe me notheing. love and best wishes and prayers, david p.s. HELL IS REAL, I DOUBT YOU WOULD PUT YOUR HAND IN A FIREPLACE, WOULD YOU?!!! AND THEN LEAVE IT THERE?!
from onyx-cherub :
i love you, claire.
from life4rent :
Please don't give up wanting to get better, i know this doesn't mean much, you don't even know who I am, but right now, I just had to say, don't give up wanting to get better, please.<3
from pinkwolf :
k. right this might not help in any way, and u might stick ur tongue out at me for being naive, but i do kinda know where u r coming from. i have been in hospital too, and the only way i ever found to cope with stuff like this is to look for the funny side. right, i know it might seem like there isnt one, but there ilwasy is. im not askin u to look at the happy side, cos there mostly isnt one. im pretty much better now, and i still have trouble finding the happy side, but there is always a funny side. i would find it for u if i could :( send u my love. xxxxxxxxxxxx lara.
from brook7 :
I'm new to this, and happened to stumble across your diary. What a stumble. I read over other people's notes and instantly saw that you have many people who care deeply about you. You are lucky to have them. I don't know if it is really my place to say...to say any of what I am saying, but having my own experience allows me to have true compassion. I do not know you, but you have nothing to apologize for. I too feel sorry when I feel like I am slipping...I feel like I am letting down the ones who care about me the most. I feel like I am weak for not working harder, it is nothing to apologize for. We all work through this at our own pace, and get lost and fall along the way. The path to where we want to go, whether it be recovery, or simply a better state of mind is not paved nor is it straight. Please write me back, I am eager to "talk"/email with you. I hope that you arn't offended or think I am butting in. To give you a brief sense of me: 20, female, junior in college, "brook" is NOT my name, and I struggle daily with my obsession over calories and weight. Please drop me a note if you are up for talking. take care, goodluck.(wowlongnote:)
from brokenmirror :
Oh sweetest, I'm so sorry :( I know that hospital isnt really a place where you can expect a lot of empathy cos all doctors I've met seem to be insensitive assholes but they really are just reducing you to machines. Please, dont feel sorry dear, dont do!!! We're all here to support you, no matter what happens, and no one expects you to be perfect. It'S so hard getting over this disorder, but i KNOW you will make it. maybe you can somehow manage to just reach a certain weight and then demand to be let home again? I just wish so bad that you're feeling ok, it isnt enough to be kept alive by food, you deserve to be HAPPY. Also I was pretty shocked that they put you on so many pills cos pills wont improve your situation AL ALL, and they had never been a topic for you, so what the hell,you know? I'm woried about you, angelheart!!!!!! I wich so much that you find a place where you can get better physically AND psychically :( I love you with all my soul, I'm constantly thinking of you!!!!! Keep going angel!!!! =♥= Ria
from dimstar :
My dear Claire, you are not a failure. Recovery takes a very long time. I love you and I know you can get through this. I will never give up on you. xoxo Gwen
from cherry-girl :
I changed my diary stuff again. It's now loveis and forever. Sorry about the sudden change. xox.
from cherry-girl :
I changed my password, etc. to jealousy and hurts. xox.
from just-fine :
be sorry to yourself,claire what do you want? i feel so sad right now, everything is so dark and broken i want things to be clearer,im going to visit you again soon,because you are the only person i can find,that knows me,understands me and cares. i care so much thinking of you x x x x x xhayley x x x x x
from pinkwolf :
i havent bee on here for ages, and it scares me how bad things have got. i kinda forget that although im getting better, other people r not. im so sorry that everything is so poo, and i wish i could magic everything better. :(. come live with me, and i will cheer u up, and make u watch buffy. :)
from jazzyana :
You made my day by reading your diary... I felt like... well I felt understanding... an unspoken yearning that I too feel. I now share it with more and more people... thank you for sharing, for being beautiful, and strong.
from insanegerbil :
didn't read your diary or anything,but wow..kick ass profile.we like (apparently) all the same stuff.but then,i like alotta stuff,so maybe its just a coincidence your profile has my favorite stuff on it.eh..anyways
from sweetemmjay :
I look forward to your entries...always. But I'm looking more forward to you filling the void within, losing the emptiness, being less scared. Enjoying the vitality of life. I dont want you to suffocate because of this. I want you to live through it and be stronger for it. <3
from sad-doll :
</3 my heart bleeds for you.
from madison18 :
I hope all goes well. Im sad to see you go, but Im glad to see you're doing whats best for you. You're in my thoughts.
from bloodyvisage :
i really hope that they give you what you (most definitely) need, claire. i'll miss your writings, but it's so much more important that you're safe...wow, writing that is weird even to me. -AJ (oh, and *yes* this is AJ aka d-cokewhore) bloodyvisage is my second diary so far [[ but i haven't abandoned my first, of course :) ]]
from writergrrl88 :
best of luck ... i know you can make it. just go day-by-day, hour-by-hour if you must. sincerely, jade
from cherry-girl :
*big smile* Good luck!!! I really wish I could be there with you. I love you Claire. xoxox
from ihatebeth :
Can't you see by how many people have added you as a favorite and left caring notes that people love you and want you to pull through! I pray you get better, nobody should have to go though this!
from d-cokewhore :
i don't want to sound like a bitch claire, and i know that my answer, if put in your position, would be yes, but...do you still plan on continuing w/your ED? I care about you and it's difficult to read your diary lately...-AJ
from phaiding :
all the best xoxox
from onyx-cherub :
i love and miss you.
from poisonedtear :
I'm now at thiswonthurt.diaryland.com take care honey, get in touch. x
from brokenmirror :
I <3 <3 you!!! =♥=
from lostunicorn :
Just to let you know... <b>If I could catch a rainbow I would do it just for you And share with you its beauty on the days you're feeling blue If I could build a mountain you could call your very own A place to find serenity a place to be alone If i could take your troubles I would toss them to the sea But all these things I'm finding are impossible for me I cannot build a mountain or catch a rainbow fair But I can be what I know best a friend that's always there<b/> When you are at college feeling alone, remember I am thinking of you. If you ever feel like you want to actually meet me, let me know. It would be lovely to meet someone who writes so beautifully Love Cheryl x x x x
from lostunicorn :
Sending love as always, you're in my prayers x x x x x
from starvemeana :
I feel very concerned for you. I pray for you to pull through this disorder. I know you can do it. xoxo Mandy.
from cherry-girl :
I changed my password for my diary. It's now crimson and regrets. xo.
from madison18 :
I've been reading your diary for some time now. You're a beautiful girl. Take care of yourself. <3 Always, Madison
from hazel-wiccan :
5 and a half stone?!?! shit that's low... god, please be careful, maybe keep just 1 cracker or something in your pocket so it's not enough to binge on but keep you from passing out whilst crossing the road or something? I know it's not my place to lecture but i'm getting seriously scared for you...
from zerodoll :
i just hope you are taking care of yourself the best you know how. thats all anyone can do right. mybe school will be good for you, i hope. love you much. xoox sharla
from hollym :
have u ever got thrush from ur sugars being high?
from sad-doll :
I'm going to go away now. But I just wanted to tell you Claire that I've always loved you and I'll be back soon.
from onyx-cherub :
oh sweetie... you _should_ see a doctor, at the very least. i'll be thinking about you. i love you so much.
from unloved8 :
Hey. I have just started college as well, and I dream of being a different person without having to "fake smile" all the time. Hope things get better for you. Take care of yourself.
from dork-reviews :
Hi, this is Ruth of dork-reviews letting you know your review is finally finished. If it's not on the main page, check the archives for your username and that's where your review will be. :)
from pretended :
you make me sad. :( i know i don't know you, but i do know that what you're doing to yourself is so awful. you only live this life once. you ought just be nice to yourself.
from ontipey-toes :
hey babe! *hugs* I miss talking to you online. =) I was wondering what happened about being an IP? Did you start seeing that nutritionist? Sorry, I've been gone for a while and school started. Know I care and think about you, it's true. I think you are beautiful. =) Thinking of you always, Hannah
from sad-doll :
I love you, please take your medicine..
from lostunicorn :
Claire, If you ever need to escape for a week a month or whatever you can always come and stay with me in canterbury x x x Love Cheryl
from hollym :
hey! u sound ill darling! how does it work out with ur diabetes, i havent tested in about 3 yrs! my doctors dont know why i lost so much weight so quick because i never did the 3 monthly blood test, i said it must hav got lost in the post. however im not gonna do it anymore, id rather not eat because the consequences of not injecting are worse and i dont wanna get things like thrush!!! surely if ur not eating and not injecting u might as well inject coz ur only gonna loose weight if ur sugars r high, and they cant b if ur not eating right?
from cherry-girl :
Please get better dear. :/
from small-one :
i am surprised that your family is "allowing you" to begin college...and "allowing you" to hurt so much. sounds like my family!!! BEST OF LUCK TO YOU though...i wish you energy and warmth. xo
from cherry-girl :
Hello dear.
from suicidalwhim :
I am so so so so so sorry you mother did that to you. I can't believe it. I cried thinking of you Claire.
from zerodoll :
try and relax just for a day. it might be good. it might, you never know. thinking of you. xoxo sharla
from small-one :
oh my goodness. busted. well, atleast it wasn't your THERAPIST! and yes, i am speaking from experience...i was caught buying a grocery cart full of day-old cakes and ice cream once. it was horribly shaming, but i survived. as awful as you may feel, you can always use the excuse "i was picking some things up for my mum." best of luck. xo small-one
from sapphire292 :
You are so amazing. Your mom's boyfriend sounds like an ass. I hope that things go well for you on your trip. And that you can find ways to get your escape. Love.
from krugerpak007 :
I wish I could help you. I am here to listen. Please take care. I am shocked with your mom's behavior. I worry for you. Is there anyone else you can talk to to help you get out of her clutches? Can you talk to her? xxoxo Kathy
from zerodoll :
your mother is so unkind, no one should have to deal with her shit. she doesnt understand, your not selfish your alone. im sorry you have to live this life, the world is so unkind. sharla
from emptyempty :
You sound in so much pain, my dear... I wish there was something I could do to help =*( I worry for you. Just wanted to let you know I've started this new diary as well. xxx Hilde (inmyapathy)
from pleasediana :
i've moved xredbracelet
from small-one :
i was curious because i have experienced something called 'vasospasms,' and it FELT like a freakin' heart attack! i guess it sortof IS, but it happens when part(and part) of your heart isn't able to receive enough oxygen and actually about to die! scary stuff. i've had kidney failure and that is something you want to "watch" for...kidney/liver failure is bad bad news. besides, it would be a shame to go out like that! how are you lately? i mean, do you have physical symptoms, besides numbness in your extremeties? are you still very low wt? do you have wt. goals or have you well surpassed them? how does your family react to you? zillions of questions, sorry. i just haven't found many connections here and that's what i long for. gotta jet. be thin. xo small-one
from sad-doll :
Claire, you are so amazing, I mean just dazzling. I looked at your pictures, and you're tiny I'm so jealous, I wish I could be beautiful like you. I miss you tons, I hope you are okay and you don't feel as hopeless as me. ♥ Audrey
from small-one :
hey babe...i read a note about your having a heart attack, i'm curious about that. when? and what happened? and stuff like that;0) (and how tall are you anyway?) hope you're feeling better. xo, small-one
from lilybob :
I feel so inadequate when someone so talented like you is in pain, I really hope things start to brighten up for you soon...xx
from krugerpak007 :
Thinking of you, and I hope you feel better. Wish there was something I could do for you. xoxox Kathy
from breakthemold :
lily got a note and was called "lovely". :-D heheh. . .did they put you in a psych. ward once they realized the e.d. attributed to your heart attack? i been in the psych. ward twice. . .ya meet very interesting people there sometimes. :-9 yeah, but everyone in my family (except my mom) has been hospitalized for some mental problem at least once. . .so, yeah, it's kinda tradition to be institutionalized in my family. hah!
from breakthemold :
fuck what the doctors think! just, fuck 'em. that's all i gotta say to you. you know who you are and what's true and what isn't, and that's all that matters.
from small-one :
if it's any consolation, ANY CONSOLATION AT ALL, someone else has been in your place. for me, that particular hospital just wasn't the "right" place...i sought out another and another and another, until i finally found that the change had to come from within my own walls...that *I* was the one in charge. and that if i couldn't agree with everything "this dr." or "that dr." said, i could atleast agree with some of it. it sounds like those people FLAT OUT BETRAYED YOU. i am forever sorry. people shouldn't treat other people that way, even if we are vulnerable and unsure. it's not okay and i am sorry for you. do not give up. xo small-one
from morbid-lover :
Hi there. I've seen that you've joined one or more of my rings, but I've switched usernames. To access my rings, please re-join at the bottom of this page: http://members.diaryland.com/edit/showrings.phtml?user=psy-vamp
from gaycannibal :
ARGH! I had to lock my diary. E-mail me to get the pw. :)
from brokenmirror :
i love you to the blood [hope you got my GB entry, something was strange ..] ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
from faithop3luv :
I love your diary and the way you think. I have the same problems as you (purging) but two people could never share or express the same emotion. I guess you could sort of say that I enjoy escaping to your emotions instead of gripping on to mine. It's a way for me to let go. You are so awesome! xoxo
from breakthemold :
what's up with the hospital? i've recently just started reading your diary. omg, it's so cool you like geri halliwell! did she ever come out with a cd after "schitzophonic"? i love that cd! sylvia plath is my GODDESS, too! i haven't read any of virginia wolf, but she interests me. did you ever see "the hours"? i freaking loved it! i also saw the last note someone left mentioned you had a heart attack! you must be so strong! how old are you? was it on account of your e.d.? well, gotta go. keep writing! xoxox
from pleasediana :
wow, you've had a heart attack!? You're so young!
from breakthemold :
i like the irony. you don't dick around pretending everything's ok. . .but, when it comes to you, you'll survive. you mirror me.
from wht-choclate :
hey i look at the pics ur gorgeous.u look fine the way u r im out
from cheerbear623 :
you are so gorgeous!! i hope you can see that too someday. <3
from brokenmirror :
i'm so worried about you, swetheart. I'm worried youre going to kill you with this. I love you so much. I'm so very sorry you have to do this counselling and have to go through all this other stuff. I hope everything turns out well, whatever this might mean. Your words/ symptoms remind me so much of dimstar, I dont want you to go through what she had to go through. I saw your pictures, youre incredibly stunning. And how stunning you'd look with some meat on!! Please please take care, angel, I love you to the blood. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxRia
from morbidhippie :
fuck. you are so beautiful. now more than ever i want to see you getting better, because you could be so stunning. and with your writing..it doesn't have to be a sad story.
from sapphire292 :
I love your writing so much, and those pictures you put up are beautiful. YOU are beautiful. Honestly. Love.
from cherfreak :
The new pictures you recently put up are so beautiful. You are so pretty Claire.
from life4rent :
Your diary is just amazing, they're words I never dreamt could make mia make sense. My best friend is dying from the effects of mia, ana, constant laxative abuse and overdosing on various painkillers, you've given my just a thought on what shes going through. Thank you honey, you're beautiful, no matter what anyone says, always remember that. Ever want to chat e-mail me (afraid2dream@hotmail.com) or leave me a note. Stay strong.
from cherry-girl :
You're beautiful.
from phaiding :
i just have to say that you're beautiful and i hope you're doin okay
from xanasforcex :
wow, I just finished looking at your photos, and your a very pretty girl! .. but you dont think your fat do you? I hope not :'( I think that your a little too thin.. I dont mean to say that in a rude way , Im just stating that theres NO fat on you whatsoever! .... keep smiling, you look gorgeous! ;)
from pleasediana :
i know you probably won't believe this, but i think you are very pretty.
from dfallenangel :
i completely understand you not wanting to get better, because you feel it will ruin your creativity, i think it's the only thing that stops me from trying my hardest to get better, but by me not getting better i lost alot of people, the people who were trying to help me, they gave up on me, because i chose creativity over them and i want you to know whatever you choose i'm sure there are many of people me being one that will stick by you and support you! <3-Toni Marie
from sad-doll :
Claire, I will always love you no matter what.
from onyx-cherub :
i miss you.
from my-esoteric :
your such an amazing writer. you seem so perfect. i adore you. your everything i want to be. <3 my-esoteric
from cherry-girl :
I changed the stuff to unlock my diary. It's my and immortal. xo.
from sad-doll :
Oh darling, take a long hot bath or shower, and listen to relaxing music, drink some hot milk. I love you I wish I was there with you to give you a hug, and tell you lullabies, I love you, ♥ Audrey
from dfallenangel :
I hope things go well for you, you should go. I understand what you saying about not wanting to go anywhere or even talk to anyone, thing is you have to force yourself to occasionally, I went through a stage where I didn't leave the house for ages and then I couldn't leave the house. But go, if it doesn't do anything for you, then leave, if you can't leave, still I think it would be worth trying. At least you've got the support behind you. Love -Toni Marie
from lostunicorn :
I sent you a text message:) Love Lostunicorn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from hungryangel :
I hope things go well for you in IP, I know exccatly how you feel about recovering. Take care of yourself, okay? I bet getting better will be better then living the life that we're living now.
from onyx-cherub :
i haven't left you a note in forever, my dear but please don't think i've forgotten about you. i love you so much. i always have and i always will.
from screemingink :
hey. beautiful diary. interesting. xoxo, Miss Takes
from small-one :
hi. god, how you remind me of...what's her name... MY*SELF, a few years ago. it's uncanny, it really is, right up to the "i just don't want to be rescued." well, of course you don't! you want to be able to do it on your own, right? (subsist, that is). i don't really have any corny advice to give you, but just that your adult life can be whatever you want it to be. as kids, we're screwed, we have no choice...but now, now we can pick-up and move far far away...or not! we can do anything we want! that's what i do; whatever the hell i feel like(plus, going to work, b/c of those dreaded bills...rent, electric, water, HOSPITAL BILLS!...how damned depressing...) anyhoo, people have been telling me this my entire life and i didn't quite get it until i lived it...perhaps you aren't in a position to start-over somewhere else, but let me tell you, it isn't so bad. be good...but not too good. xo
from xscar-mex :
yer words are so pretty...they make the world seem so beautiful. <333
from faegrrrl :
Hi hon, May the Lord grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, to change the things you can & the wisdom to know the difference. ~~~~~~~ I have been exactly where you are darling. The pain that you feel WILL go away. Nothing lasts forever. ~~~~~~~ Find something else that you are in control of. You're in control of your writing. You're in control of SO many things that I bet you don't even realize it. ~~~~~ God didn't make ugly people. He made beautiful people like you. With love and prayers, Amy :)
from wire-ending :
you're beautiful, honey. and i know this means nothing from someone on the other side of the world but im here for you always and i love you. just be open to what will happen. dont shut people out because youre scared because then you will just get worse and the world would cry without you here. i love you.
from small-one :
you write well...i know your pain...i wish you contentment. xo
from leely :
♥hello beautiful
from xquisitepain :
i still remember you.
from wrthlss :
Oh my. Don't be so mean to yourself. Think of yourself as a person, not a body. Numbers on a scale are nothing at all. You are a person who deserves respect even from yourself.
from sad-doll :
I love you no matter how much you weigh, don't you know that by now Claire, your far to beautiful to be fooled by red numbers on a scale. I love you. Audrey
from lostunicorn :
Always here Lostunicorn xxxxxxxxxxx
from mistychristy :
i love your diary
from sapphire292 :
I love you Claire. I admire you so much. Your strength you don't think you have.... you are amazing.
from morbid-lover :
Don't cut. I know you probably hear that so very often. I haven't cut for a month, either. I wish that I could just tell you something, and you would obey. like "don't cut." "don't feel fat." "love yourself today and always." etc. But it just doesn't work that way. I weigh myself everyday, too, but it's to make sure that I'm gaining weight, because I'm working out, and gaining muscle mass. It's really helped me alot. Maybe it would do the same for you, I don't know. But when you're in a rut, you have to pull yourself out. No matter how hard it is, you'll feel so much happier once you do. ♥
from upmywall :
i love the way you write
from oceans-depth :
your reason for being is you are stronger and smarter than this mia. And one day you will realize all the people who love and care about you need you to stay with us <3 Deja
from meticulous :
your reason for being here is because you are beuatiful, strong, and pure. You can get out of this, don't let anything make you feel as if you can't. you stopped writing so much, and it worried me!! lol. <Hugs & Kisses> <3 Love Kara
from anawaif01 :
I've been ana, mia, and SI for a long time...I don't cut myself anymore but the scars are always there to haunt you. I don't have very many because I am so ashamed of them as it is, but they are still there reminding me how much of a failure I am. I can relate to your diary, I am putting you under my favs. Good luck sweetie, I hope you get better. *hugs*
from sad-doll :
I love you claire.
from cherry-girl :
Hello.
from deadpainting :
hey, i really enjoy your diary...its very stunning!...i hope things get better w/ the bullemia and etc. hope to talk to u sometime. well, im out...xoxo, ~Miss Takes~
from oceans-depth :
Please take care of yourself I know thats easier said than done. But the world is a better place with you in it.I will say a prayer for you tonight.
from lostunicorn :
If you ever need me I'm here and If you do go to hospital I'll send you letters I promise. Your going to get through this I know you are. Love and hugs Lostunicorn x x x
from insertsmilex :
your writing is beautiful, just as you are, and i wish nothing but the best for you. <3
from lithium07 :
Oh darling, you are so very beautiful and strong. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'll always listen. Your so beautiful and so are your words. Stay strong and lovely. I love you. <333333Sarah
from mychoice :
You have so much strength to have even done the assessment. I wish you the best of luck, and I sincerely believe that you can beat this, if that is what you want. Keep at it, and remember all of us who haven't found the courage yet to take those first steps are rooting for you, and those who have are waiting for you on the other side of this sad disease.
from evesapple :
you'll do fine at your assessment, I know you will. just say what you feel, they don't expect you to be an open diary with your heart on your sleeve. luck be with you, young jedi [sorry I couldn't help it!]
from crazywicked :
im so sorry. im so very sorry. i wish there was something i could do, but being there for you is all i can offer. if you need me, im here, and more than willing. even if im just another person to vent to, ill be there.
from onecutabove :
I've locked my diary, and if you'd wish to keep reading, the username is ilove and the password is tf. I hope you feel better soon hun, I know you're going through a rough patch right now. Take care.
from sad-doll :
Claire darling, I know I'm thousands of miles away, but if you ever need anything just tell me.
from fight4bones :
Im glad you were able to enjoy some of prom , I can imagine how difficult that must of been for you... I didn't get to attend mine and I will always regret it.. but I think I would have been better off not going.. Im glad you were able to make it through the night.. please take care of yourself! ((((((hugs))))))
from crazywicked :
im just blending in with the crowds of people wishing you the best of luck, and crossing their fingers for you. ~kel
from sad-doll :
Oh darling, Claire-Bear-- I'm postive you'll look absolutely gorgeous and be the thinnest girl there as well as the most beautiful with the best dress! I love you you will do fine don't worry!
from of-fools :
You'll do fine. I know that it doesn't feel like it, but you are so brave to even be considering treatment. (big hugs, dammit!)
from beat-me :
hi kitti lover. i'm the randi. i was just looking through her notes. (i'm the keeper of her diary for now).... if you want to see me, i'm preppypunq.diaryland, etc. type jade, then jasper in the boxes. yeah.
from millie17 :
good luck. i know it's scary, but just hold on and i'm sure you'll make it.
from sapphire292 :
You can do it.
from of-fools :
It's just not fair. There's so much pain and heartache in what you write...but you have such a beautiful talent for it. I wish you could see yourself for the loving and talented person that you are. (Which, having been in your seat before, I know sounds like a load of shit. But it's true.)
from crazywicked :
thanks, i didnt know you read it! is my name angel now? *lol* thats kewl! well, thanks so much, i will. did i leave mine? if not here it is again: crazywickedtrisquit@yahoo.com
from evadinglife :
wow.. i read your diary.. im going through the same thing.. hold you head high... keep digging through... i know exactly how you feel
from u-look-nice :
hey, u are an exellent writer,so talented! i can relate to some of your words especially in your last entry i can never seem to put words to my emotions and sometimes wen i read ur diary it really helps. so thankx and take care!!!!!!!!!
from rarify :
*sighs* reading your diary makes me want to cry.. i wish i could magically reach out for you and stop the hurting somehow.. i'm so sorry.
from onyx-cherub :
i love you. i have nothing more to say.
from sad-doll :
Oh Claire-- May a thousand angels rest on your shoulders to protect you. You deserve so[ohso] much from life. I love you-- you are an AMAZING girl with amazing words. ♥ Always, Audrey
from starvemeana :
hey, i like the way you write, you always inspire me. Um, I just want to get down to a 100. then i'm gonna stop. Stop. I just hope I wont go under 100. You worry me as well, but I hope everything will go fine soon, You have my support. take care, hun.
from hazel-wiccan :
Oh... i get it... that sucks... i know you get this with every message, but i really wish i could do something to help... just please be careful, don't let those numbers get too low :*( I hope things start looking up soon... XXX
from crazywicked :
i know that this is suposed to send you an email when you get a new note, so i fugred id send it here so i wasnt just another worried person singing your guestbook. i have found that when you write something like cutting yourself, being abused, controlversial things, people react. they panic and write false words of comfort and concern. it annoys me to no end, but i also look for their words. i love the stly in which you write, and hope you contintue on with this diary. it helps me to vent, and it seems to help you too. i wish you the best of luck, and if you dont mind, i will continue reading your diary. if you ever need someone to lean on, please contact me. crazywickedtrisquit@yahoo.com http://crazywicked.diaryland.com i would love to help. ~kel
from sad-doll :
I was just looking through my old notes and guestbook entries, and I found some that you left me forever ago-- and they were so beautiful and gave me so much hope. I wish I could do the same, I'd give you a thousand comforting words but I'd end up carving them into my skin. I love you Claire-- I just wanted to say thank you and that you are beatiful. ♥ Audrey xoexoh
from kikassblonde :
hey- i have seen ur diary mentioned in at least a dozen other diarys so i thought i might check it out. It's awesome. You are an amazing writer..i wish i was as talented as that :)
from j-u-s-t-me :
hey, just surfin the net and I found myself here... Your diary is very cool. I like your entries. The poem at the end of your last entry is better than anything I could ever write, it was awesome. Your diary is awesome... -Chrissy
from shampain19 :
haven't talked to you in a while and just wanted to say hey, and i still got love for ya nick
from amongst :
I would like to write you a letter. Or send you something nice. Can I email you or something? I cant get to your email address coz I don't have office. or something. My email is juleep@hotmail.com
from go-ask-alyce :
i hope you start feeling better, hun. I also get unhealthily attached to things, so i know where you're coming from. Feel better, xoxo, GALE
from jax- :
i know what you mean about the teabag syndrome.... drains right away doesn't it? keep trying
from fight4bones :
I can really feel you through your writing, I know it's tough, hang in there! ((((HUGS))))) ~Kita~
from razorkissed2 :
hey, i sorry to be writing about this but your the only person i knew to ask this. i was playing around wit my dairy and at the top aon the bar where it usually says the entry name it dont nomore and i was wondering if you knew how to fix that??? plz
from onyx-cherub :
oh sweetie... i saw silverchair too and i feel truly blessed to have had the chance to experience something so amazing. you are just as amazing; i wish i could offer you any semblance of comfort or even articulate how much you mean to me. all i can say is i love you.
from razorkissed2 :
I love the way you write! keep your chin up things will get better. they hatfa get better eventually. . . >Jess<
from sapphire292 :
Hey Beautiful, it's great to see you updated:D Each entry is a feast for my mind:) You have a gift Claire:D Love you! And I am here for you:) -Alana
from cherry-girl :
oh ok. <3 you're writing is really wonderful. i hope you get to feeling better soon.
from cherry-girl :
do you ever get on AIM anymore?
from sapphire292 :
Claire, what you write is beautiful. You are beautiful Claire. Never, ever forget that. I love your writing, most love you:) I know you can overcome any bullshit obsical that comes in your way- you are SO strong Claire, whether you believe that or not. I love the way you convey your feelings- never, ever stop writing how you feel. Showing the world your heart and soul... I live to read your diary:) Love you Claire. Don't ever stop trying and never be afraid to ask for help. I'm here for you always. Even if you don't believe it. love- Alana
from lcchick13 :
hey, i just wanted to let you know that you're writing is wonderful. i look forward everyday to reading your diary because your words inspire me. never stop writing because you have such a talent. you're beautiful!
from trapidi :
y ru broken inside?
from justletmego4 :
You're writting is perfect!! It is like my thinspiration of the day. It makes me think..., and reminds me of why I want perfection so bad. <3 Kara
from sapphire292 :
I love your writing so much Claire. SO much. It's amazing and I know I've said it before but I feel as if it puts my inside your head. Thank you for pouring your self out for all the world to see. Don't ever stop writing:) Love you- Alana
from emotionwhore :
i adore your writing. dont quit.
from cherry-girl :
as soon as i can im going to come visit you. <3<3
from sweetemmjay :
your writing is amazing. emotions so raw, real and tactile. Stay strong, you're an incredible person.
from chordchild :
I just wanted to say thank you for joining the c-a-g-e-d diayring, in support of the site at caged-freed. it's always refreshing to find another diarylander who supports the cause. feel free to submit an entry anytime (we're always low on those) - and best wishes in your recovery! (a hard battle, I know. but one genuinely worth the effort.) take care.
from itescapesme :
hey.. today i felt really bad because i slipped back into my old habits. they are similar to the ones that you have. I've read your entire diary, it was like a force that was unstopable i couldn't stop reading it. Such truth and honesty. if i could have half of the truth you have i might keep myself sane. I hope you don't ever loose that honesty and the ability to put your thoughts on display. I added you to my aim buddylist i'd really like to talk to you sometime.
from toshchaya :
Claire--I am addicted to your diary, I read it and it makes my soul cry for you. Please, please be careful. Your feelings are so raw and screaming with pain...I wish that all the wounds are soothed...
from suicidalwhim :
<3 eventually when you're older you'll be pleased that people say you look younger ;) Hang in there hunny I have to meet you soon oooxxx
from cherry-girl :
yea i got caught to...havent been able to since.
from go-ask-alyce :
hang in there. and be careful please! <3333
from suicidalwhim :
Be careful xxx <3<3
from dimstar :
Claire! Please, don't do anything irrational. I care too much. I will die too if you do. I can't explain it but I will. Everything that happens to you has once happened to me, or vice versa. I love you honey. xoxo Gwen
from sapphire292 :
Love you Claire, and I love your diary. Can't even begin to tell you how amazing your writing is. Wish I could make things better for you and I both.
from schampy :
I can relate to what happened today. I got caught once too. I am so sorry, dear!
from pixie-cutter :
okease please be careful cliae. xx
from xmnler :
all i can say is your writing is good. i can understand what you are saying just by the way you word things.
from corpulent16 :
You are such a beuatifull writer!! <3 Kara
from toshchaya :
You put that so exquisitely!! I've tried so many times to explain to someone that I do not maintain an eating disorder for attention, but I can not pinpoint the reason. If I attempt it I get myself into a lame predicament where I feel like I am foolish for even trying to argue my point. This is the emotion and reasoning so perfectly phrased!
from suicidalwhim :
hey hun i know u didn't mean us, (lol what else has Hayley told you? :P) I wasn't sure what u meant, tis all. I'm so paranoid of homeophobes now I'm *out* Its odd. :-S sorry xxxxxxooooooooo hope you're alright Lub yoooooou xx
from suicidalwhim :
My closest friends involved in their lesbian relationship, not even pausing to glance my way. What did u mean...?
from stuckinme :
hey,locking my diary from my boyfriend, the user is: alone the password is: inside
from pixie-cutter :
hey. i hope you resisted the temptation to cut, and i hope your okay. be careful with the shoplifting. its not so good once you've been caught [not that that fact stops me.. but yknow, words of advice here.] anyway, i hope your not feeling too bad. please claire, you know where i am if you need me. take care, please. love b xox
from onyx-cherub :
*wipes tears off face* oooooh *hugs*
from beat-me :
randi is a girl... she is preppypunq... she is sweet... i love you, i hope that all bad stuff will soon disenagrate
from mychoice :
Hugs my dearest. What's really weird is that I have been VERY tempted to shoplift lately too. Bizarre. ED's and shoplifting MUST be interelated somehow. Wanted you to know that people do care, and I don't think you're selfish.
from lostunicorn :
Hugs, I have an anthology filled with notes - If you want me to email some to you just email x x x
from neuroticaa :
please get well <3 <3 <3 <3
from sapphire292 :
Despite what you think, you ARE strong and I know you can overcome anything that puts itself in your path.
from sapphire292 :
Just wanted to let you know that when I am actually looking for good writing, I come to your diary. Don't forget, I'm here.
from sapphire292 :
I know how hard it is to let people in. To run to them when you need to talk everything out. But I can be that person you can trust if you ever need anyone to talk to, alright? :) I'm here for you, even though I don't know you yet, that sometimes helps. my email is sapphire292@juno.com Email if you ever need to, alright? Love, Alana
from cherry-girl :
damn. i wonder what happened to it..? :(
from suicidalwhim :
don't worry about me darling I'm okay. <3 2 u. Your last entry worried me, it was called last few days. Are you alright?? I sincerely hope so. Thank-you for reading my diary Love u xxxoo
from sapphire292 :
Your writing is amazing. I feel like I am inside of your head. And though my problems are not the same as yours, I feel like I'm living every moment of your life. You are definately talented. Amazing:) Love, -Alana
from suicidalwhim :
Please be careful. I hope you get better I really do. The world needs beautiful people xo
from onyx-cherub :
god, claire - you are truly amazing. i hope that no one has to go through what you've gone through. you're so precious and beautiful and i hope that someday you will find the love and self-assurance you are entitled to. if anyone deserves to be happy, it's you, sweetheart. i love you so much.
from beat-me :
randi loves you too
from beat-me :
binge, fast, purge it all out... sad little doll, stuck in the corner surrounded in food. you cannot decide what to eat, so you stuff it all in... run to the loo and expel it all out, dash back into your room, and find that you are in the same situation... i love you claire... kitti
from cherry-girl :
hmm i wonder when youll get it...i hope you do get it.
from dimstar :
Claire, I am so worried about you. Your weight has gotten so low, and you are very, very sick. I am afraid that you are going to have another heart attack or go into insulin shock. Please honey, call your docs. You really need to be seeing them right now, before it is too late. I care too much for anything to happen to you. xoxo Gwen
from go-ask-alyce :
i've been reading this for a while now, and I really am thinking about you a lot...and how i pray and hope you will get better. I go through some of the same stuff you do, so I'm sitting here praying you will get the help you need. <3333
from our-views :
Your review is complete
from itskillingme :
oh, claire. i wish i could help you. i wish anyone could. <3
from forevergrey :
it's hoz in my new diary. i still love you, claire. stay strong, okay? the forst step to overcoming a problem is recognising it, after all. xxes times a million billion trillion gazillion lol hoz x
from loseurself :
<3<3<3 x infinity you're so special keep your head up <3<3<3
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* I'm so glad to hear you say that. You'll make it claire. Love you Cheryl x x x x
from cherry-girl :
have you gotten my letter yet? <3
from onyx-cherub :
god. i wish i could say something - ANYTHING - to make you feel better. words fail me at the moment because i simply cannot express how precious you are to me.
from hungryangel :
I hope you feel better hun~ Take care.
from cherry-girl :
i want to be able to hold your hand and make everything go away. youre beautiful <3<3<3
from onyx-cherub :
i would do absolutely anything to make you feel the least bit safe or loved or happy. i hope it's of some consolation that i love you...
from loveme2night :
I can't wait until you find love because you've been through so much. You deserve it. your sweet and beautiful and I cant wait until you see how beautiful life can be, with you in its presence. Because YOU deserve it.
from darkeone :
I love you, Claire. You're amazing, and you're strong enough to survive this, I promise you that. ♥ always xxx
from prettyxwaste :
no, my eyes aren't very beautiful because of all this crying i've been doing. why does love have to hurt this bad?
from cherry-girl :
:D i hope you get my letter. love you too. xox
from suicidalwhim :
Please get well. I check your diary regularly now. I hope I can help sometime. I can't believe your mother did that. My mum told me she wished she was dead, so she didn't have to see me hurting. They are worst words in the world. You are a beautiful person. Don't let this destroy you. xo
from pixie-cutter :
you seem so sad. i'm so sorry that your feeling so unhappy. i remember the worst times for me, i remember all too well. your so beautiful claire, don't let this monster consume you. read your notes, we all love you and we all care. if you can't believe that you have to at least seek solace in that fact. take care and keep in touch, please. x
from delicategirl :
don't you dare let your mother blackmail you with her suicidal threats. You have an illness. You didn't buy it, bid for it on fucking e bay so don't blame yourself. You don't need to cut...just get yourself some help. Help doesn't mean you will gain weight it just means you may gain a greater or different perspective on yourself, your friends, your family and your situation. Please concider thisYou have a beautiful caring shineing open heart so please don't harm it or yourself because contrary to your beliefs you do deserve better than that and i assure you with a totally relaxed heart that you will arise from your cocoon a wonderous butterfly and while you are counting on your second chance you may very well be using your third.
from cherry-girl :
did you get my letter yet?
from onyx-cherub :
i just wanted to hug you *hug* and tell you that i love you.
from hibiscus101 :
i wish i could give you abig ole hug and take all your pain away hun. ill give you an internet hug *huggggggggggggggggggggg* and let you know people care about you dahlin.
from lostunicorn :
Thinking of you, as always. Prehaps when your feeling a bit stronger we could meet up x x x
from sugar4ree :
I really am speechless, I really hope that this will be a huge wake up call. I know its so hard and if your not ready to recover then its definitely not my place to tell you to do so. I just want you to be safe.
from crying-dove :
I'm glad ur home, hunni please be carful, you must be sick of hearing that. You are beautiful outside, and you have such a beautiful spirit it's the most important, don't kill it for a body that will never be as beautiful. <3 x
from suicidalwhim :
Thanks for your note. I'm sorry to read how you have suffered. You are never alone. ~It's Just A suicidalwhim~
from dimstar :
Claire, I was so scared this would happen:'( I love you so much. Please, take care when you get out. I don't know if I will get a chance to talk to you bc I am going IP, but know that I love you okay? xoxo Gwen
from your-embrace :
never forget you are loved by many by myself you touch countless with your words and your beauty surpasses all ♥
from broknpieces :
wow, i was completely astonished to read what happened to you. im so sorry to hear that you went through/ are still going through such a tough physical ordeal. my thoughts go out to you. i know that you can make it through this, that you can beat this. because yr better than what is happening to you. i can only imagine that yr world is one big virtigo of confusion and pain and distrust and hurt. my heart truly feels for you, i know somewhat of what yr going through. if you would ever like to talk, or need amything, dont hestitate in asking! my aim is crayola644, and my email is dorkus7@hotmail.com. but i just wanted to let you know that people to do care, and they are thinking of you. best wishes and great big bear hugs to you!!! <3 shelley
from brokenskin :
I hope you do better soon! <3alaina
from fight4bones :
Hey was just passing through , im sorry to hear that your in the hospital ... i hope your doing alright ... just hang in there!! theres alot of ppl here who care for you! kita
from fight4bones :
Hey was just passing through , im sorry to hear that your in the hospital ... i hope your doing alright ... just hang in there!! theres alot of ppl here who care for you! kita
from onyx-cherub :
*hugs* claire i love you and you'll be in my thoughts today, as you always are. i can only hope that somehow you find it inside yourself to realize how wonderful you are.
from sugar4ree :
OMG! I really hope your okay (((hugs))) Im glad you called the ambulance that was a very smart thing to do. Try to take care of yourself sweetheart!
from zerodoll :
oh god i hope your ok. miss you so much. love you always, sharla
from wire-ending :
i miss you too. im glad you had fun with hayley <333333
from onyx-cherub :
i love you. *hugs*
from sunsetreview :
oops. wrong URL. http://sunsetreview.diaryland.com/justfine.html
from sunsetreview :
your review is in at sunset review. http://sunsetreview.diaryland.com/just-fine.html
from sylviashadow :
Hey girl! Thanks for joining poetica! we are glad to have you! Don't forget to post the code! I also run 2 ED rings-ana-miafems and prettymia--you are welcome to join those as well!Thanx--sylviashadow,ringleader
from junior89 :
I am okay. Still stuggling with my ed. I wish I could write about it in my diary, even though I know it'd never come out as beautifully as you write. Anytime I see on my d/l buddylist that you've written I smile because I luv reading how you write and about how you are. You are beautiful and I know since I have an ed you may never understand that nor see it...but you are a kind, great, and beautiful person...always keep that in your mind. xoxo <3
from freyalinx :
I know you've heard this, but I'm gonig to tell you again, you have a beautiful gift of speaking with words, I don't know how you feel, but I've been in situations similar. I just want you to know there is hope, and to just believe that one day everything will work out.
from poisonedtear :
I'm sorry your family don't understand and treat you with such ignorance. You know where I am. I love you.
from onyx-cherub :
i'm so sorry i haven't written to you in so long, darling. i've been away on vacation but now i'm home and i've manged to catch up with your entries. i wish i could tell you that your situation isn't dangerous. i wish i could reach through the screen and pull you out of this hell you've been subjected to, i wish i could give you a hug and heal all that is broken inside of you. reading your words makes me cry. i feel so useless like i can't help you through anything. i wish there was SOMETHING i could do that would make a difference for you because you mean so much to me. i'm here for you whenever you need me. i love you, claire.
from mslola :
I really wish your family was more supportive rather than blaming you for something that you just canít turn off.
from sylviashadow :
love your new poem--it really spoke to my heart--sylviashadow
from raven72d :
Virgin Suicides... A lovely film.
from lostunicorn :
Quality film, I have it on DVD!
from bahmoo :
i read every word you write, i read every word you write and love you more and more. <3
from caged-freed :
saw you were a member of the edsufferer diaryring and thought this new forum at caged-freed might interest you. check it out, if you can, and take care.
from cherfreak :
*crys like a 3 year old* this is so sad, yet so beautiful. your blessed. your blessed with a gift and that is being who you are. i havent been where you are, but i know that i want you to take care of yourself. you deserve more than the world has to offer. you also should know that there ARE people out there that love you. including me. take care...and drop me an email sometime...Uninhibited520@aol.com xo.Josie.xo
from perfectbone :
So you found 90. And 84 is what you want. We all know that no number is ever too low. People do worry about you. We do care. Please please don't let this kill you. Please don't...you are worth so much. Your writing style is beautiful, as is your soul.
from poisonedtear :
Nothing will ever be enough. You won't be happy until you've beaten this obcession. Please don't ignore my advice, please go to a hospital and tell them everything. Please. Claire x
from junior89 :
hey Clarie, I've tried to see if you are on so I could IM you but I never see you on. Is "bruiseddreams" the right s/n? xoxo
from poisonedtear :
I am so afraid for you. You are in my prayers. All my love, Claire
from dfallenangel :
Hey How are you! Toni Marie here self-hate? Remember me? Anyway I've changed my name and this is my new one. I'm so sorry that your so weak. I seriously hope that you get better soon. I'm kinda the same at the moment. Everything I put in my mouth comes straight back up, without self inducing. I'm also getting really bad pains in my stomach and somtimes i can't even move they hurt so bad. But you should really just relax and try and get better. I've been reading your diary and I just went through and realised I haven't put a message in here yet! I'm so sorry i thought I had! Anyway Don't forget I Love you and I'm always here for you when and if you need me! Loving You Always -Toni Marie
from onyx-cherub :
I love you so much, Claire.
from lostunicorn :
I don't hate you. Can't remember if you live in the uk or not but if you do feel free to come and crash at mine anytime. Love you. Lostunicorn x x x
from shampain19 :
ok first i want to say that i think your a wonderful to talk to and it is not that they hate you but they see the beauty that you do not see, they care about you and love you, so please know that. Now about the diabetic thing, you can go blind if you do not watch the insulin use, that is very imporant. But one thing that is worse than going blind is death or falling into an diabetic coma. If you do not take your insulin then you can become dizzy but if you tak to much then you can basiaclly OD and go into a coma, please do not let either happen, cause we have only talked for a short time but i already see your beauty through your words, so if not for you for everyone that cares about you. much luv and please take care. nick
from shampain19 :
ok first i want to say that i think your a wonderful to talk to and it is not that they hate you but they see the beauty that you do not see, they care about you and love you, so please know that. Now about the diabetic thing, you can go blind if you do not watch the insulin use, that is very imporant. But one thing that is worse than going blind is death or falling into an diabetic coma. If you do not take your insulin then you can become dizzy but if you tak to much then you can basiaclly OD and go into a coma, please do not let either happen, cause we have only talked for a short time but i already see your beauty through your words, so if not for you for everyone that cares about you. much luv and please take care. nick
from chilindrina :
I asked a friend of mine (she's a diabetic) what could happen if she stopped using insulin, and she said: "You'll only get dizzy and have low (or high, I can't remember) sugar on a short term period, BUT you'll eventually, on a long term, GO BLIND OR THEY'LL HAVE TO CUT YOU LEG or something." She said it. no me. and she didn't even know why I was asking. Be careful my girl.
from servingzero :
They knew? and you didn't know they knew? Wow- that surely instills new paranoia in me... Hope all works out well.
from bahmoo :
*raises hand* I don't hate you. <3
from go-ask-alyce :
Very close to the same thing happened to me, just a while ago....I've been reading your diary for a while, because it is so much like me (as much as I hide it in my entries). Just want to let you know i'm on your side, and you can get through this. xoxo, GALE <333
from ionlywanted :
Hi, I have been reading your diary for the past month about. And I love your writtings. Don't give up, don't worry about what your class mates, teachers, or parents think of you. Stay strong. Don't give up on your dreams. Don't let go yet, things will get better when you least expext it. Hang in thier. xoxo Kara
from loseurself :
i could never do anything but love you, you're amazing. keep your head up. <33333 lauren
from lost1985 :
i read your diary everyday you add an entry! i love it...it's so open and truthful and very raw...i appreciate what you are saying and i wish i could help you out...try to stay strong
from broken-eva :
heart x heart x heart. {insert the lovely words & praise & poetic beauty that can somehow do you the justice i cannot here}
from chilindrina :
Did you write the last part of your last entry, or is that a song?? It's beautiful!
from onyx-cherub :
my angelheart, people need to see what they have done to YOU, not what you have done to them. you are not to blame for anything at all.
from pixie-cutter :
:). i hope you don't mind me emailing, but i felt i had to. that was when i was k i guess, but now its all down hill again. i'm back purging and binging and not eating and harming and its all gone wrong. as for the bullying, i know how you feel. i was bullied, badly. i remember, how as my name is abigail, they used to call me flabbygail.. and they had this song about me... 'she's big she's round, she bounces on the ground.' yeah.. you can forgive, but never forget. x
from isolatedsoul :
get rid of them you'll feel so much better, i always had friends who subtly bullied me till now, though i never really noticed it untill they were gone - i didn't connect the feelings
from chilindrina :
It's ok sweetie....you don't have to reply. Don't worry please.
from boogiebeep :
hi clare, 95 pounds is fine, its a good weight for you, I dont have an ED Im not strong enough too and I dont have enough willpower, imagine being like me and weighing 145.2 pounds, then you should worry, I hope you feel better soon, it would be a shame to lose you, you are beautiful amberlee
from xonic :
i dont know who you are but i love your life and your writings and your pain, its all so beautiful. your lonliness is lovely to me, as i feel what you feel. sometimes id rather be happy, but then i wouldnt have the outlook on life that i have now. dont ever stop writing. -vik
from onyx-cherub :
i know how you feel about social situations. they're so alien to what you have become used to, and seem so trivial compared to what you're going through. i love you, claire.
from darkeone :
Me again... your diary still makes me cry, hon. Be careful 'bout you blood sugar levels, 'kay? W'ub you XxX
from chilindrina :
What's the matter Mary Jane...had a hard day?...I hear you're losing weight again mary jane, do u ever wonder who you're losing it for?
from lostunicorn :
You haven't screwed up, you realise that theres something wrong and I believe you will come through this. Thank you so much for the note you left me. Love you*hugs* Lostunicorn x
from cherry-girl :
<3
from chilindrina :
OK. UN: justfine, and password too. Just in case you want to!
from xonic :
thankyou so much. i dont get good comments about my writing very often. i really appreciate it. i looked at your diary, and im blown away. it sounds like ive been in the same situation as you, with my mother. i have writings at the very beginning that i wrote about her. very passionate and very angry. i would like to share them with you, maybe theyd help. thanks again for the note. your writing is gorgeous as well. -vik
from chilindrina :
I want to say something but I don't know what to say. I've felt this way before. With people like -is it me, us, you??? So just know I wanna say something.
from ingested :
as sad as it sounds, i really don't want to be free of it. not yet anyway. i don't want to lose weight because the media tells me i'm fat. i want to do it to make myself happy. thank you very much for yr kind words though. mind if i add you as a favorite? xoxoxo.
from onyx-cherub :
sweetheart i wish there was something i could do for you. you're so beautiful. you're such an angel. i love you.
from blessedgurl :
hey...u deserve to be loved, no matter what..n u are loved by god..seek Him n u shall be whole..:)bless u
from prettywaste :
just felt like leaving you a note. i love your words & i really hope that someday you can really, truly be happy, because you deserve to be. you really are a beautiful person. <3christina
from onyx-cherub :
*bursts into tears*
from onyx-cherub :
sweetheart, i love you. your words touch me so deeply. they hit old scars and raw nerves in my soul. i've found myself crying many times while reading your diary. you are breathtaking. i can feel all of your pain. i know this is a rough time for you and the path ahead is going to be full of bumps and twists and turns, but you'll make it. i believe in you. you are beautiful, despite the pain you suffer on a daily basis. you're a cherub facing a wall of fire, but somehow, you'll make it through, despite the burn marks and heat you'll experience. i love you. xoxoxox
from poisonedtear :
It's not going to miraculously clear up. Please go to the doctors again. I love you. Claire
from sickfreak :
Hello, I just wanted to say hi, and see how you were doing, so take care!!! Goodbye! ~Janai
from xpaperdoll :
yes i like cakes too. chocolate cake with pink & white icing. i made carrot cake yesterday.
from poisonedtear :
I love you.
from poisonedtear :
I love you.
from darkeone :
Woo I want a magical flying cat, too. And btw, I've read The Virgin Suicides, and in my (admittedly worthless) opinion, your words are more touching and engaging. If you were a book you'd be glued to my hands, you know... Stay stong. H x
from lostunicorn :
Maybe you have a flying cat *grin* *hugs* Hope you feel better after a sleep. I know what you mean its lovely feeling empty:) x x x
from thinterupt :
hey i wont take ipecac i was just wonderin if i should try it or not But you info helped me make a better decision. si are u a mia too?? well write me back thinterupt
from darkeone :
You're so beautiful. I wish I was like you are...
from loveme2night :
your writing is also beautiful. I also added you as a favorite. luv ya.oxox
from lovemetwice :
i wish i could help you.
from junior89 :
hey girlie. I am doing so-so. I hope you are doing okay, your entries kind of make me wonder if you'll be back to write again. lol I have a question though, do you know of anyway I get myself to purge *like after my horrible binges* without shoving something down my throat? *just a thought* xoxo <3 *stay strong*
from onyx-cherub :
you're absolutely beautiful and i adore you.
from anapathy :
Thank you for your kind words in my diary. I read some of yours as well. I am so sorry about your mom's response. My eyes are full of tears, from the pain I felt from your words. It makes me sad that someone so young feels like I do... suffers like I do... I really can't speak for your mother, but as a mother, I have found that sometimes we react in ways that our children don't understand, that even hurt them. For most parents, its in no way intentional. I know that many times, with my children, its because I am afraid that my own sick thinking will make their problems worse... Don't know if thats the situation and I don't mean to ramble about myself but I wanted to let you know that your mother most likely loves you, but doesn't know how to respond, what you need. I am sending a years supply of hugs honey. XOXO Anap
from lovemetwice :
you're not alone. atall. sometimes. knowing that isn't enough. it'll never be gone. but you can control it. becuase YOU are that strong. if let yourself be. i know you can.
from cheerbear623 :
i'm so sorry bout your mother not being there for you, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you though. and even if she doesn't there are so many people who do. good luck with your doctor's appointment, i will be thinking of you. *hugs*
from lostunicorn :
Congratulations on making the doctors appointment. Will be thinking of you at 4:50. *hugs* x x
from poisonedtear :
Claire, I know you don't want to here this but you have to go to a hospital, it's gone past should now, you have to. If you don't go now you will die. I don't mean to sound harsh but I really don't want to lose you and I know that there a masses of others who don't want you to go as well. Ring or text whenever you're afraid or lonely, I'll always be here for you. Claire x
from loseurself :
claire, don't feel alone, you can talk to anyone, no one would turn their head away from you. you're too special to just slip away like this. you have to ask for help, otherwise you might now get it. please, just do what you think is right. you're a truly amazing person, people who you've never even met care about you more than you know, keep your head up <3 lauren
from sickfreak :
Hey, although I don't know you I just want you to know that you can talk to me anytime you need me. You can reach me at my email- xgloomyxstarsx@msn.com... PLEASE BE CAREFUL..!!! ~Janai
from xpaperdoll :
aww sweetness, you can talk to me pinksafetypinxx (aim)
from hibiscus101 :
aww hun noone deserves any hurt or pain when there as sweet as you:) hope your feeling better
from un-numb :
Hey there. Thanks for the note. Though after reading your diary, I'm thinking my other one, http://emaciated-.diaryland.com might interest you a tad deal more. Just wanted to say thanks for reading though...
from onyx-cherub :
*says in a voice a la roxie from chicago* the name on everybody's lips is gonna be... claire bear! I LOVE YOU!!!
from wacky1 :
thanx for the lil note, you're diary is awesome
from be-my-heroin :
you're supergroovy ;xo xo xo
from xpaperdoll :
likewise. *links*
from justenough :
i wuv you
from lovemetwice :
as are you love. thankyouthankyou. [<3]
from dontdropme :
thank you.
from onyx-cherub :
i love you so much, claire. you're amazing and beautiful, despite all the hurt you've expierienced. your words make me cry because i can see myself in so many of your entries. you're not alone. i love you.
from sylviashadow :
changed my d-land layout with a design by couture--come check it out...if you'd like you can join my ana-miafems diaryring for feminists with ed's. Take care--sylviashadow
from sb1rustybg :
hey claire...i was just reading through my guestbook entries and you left me a note awhile ago... Keep strong...if you want to beat this disease, it is possible. There is hope, and there is a way out. Through Christ, i am on my way to conquering this eating disorder. Let me know how you're doing, ok? LEav eme a note or something. You are in my thoughts and my prayers.
from sylviashadow :
Join my ana-miafems diaryring for feminists with ed's--also, since you are a fan, take my ariel quiz on sylvia plath...sylviashadow
from pixie-cutter :
hey! thank you. its claire isnt it? darkeone is always saying your great lol. i'm really worried about tomorrow, but thanks for thinking of me:) we'll have to catch up when i'm free lol. x<3x
from darkeone :
I *still* w'ub you! Just thought you might want to know. Stay strong, okay? You're beautiful. ~ X
from junior89 :
hey yeah I am doing okay I suppose lmao I'm alittle bit down because of this guy, just because I'm not in his arms right now...I've lost more weight, and am on this medicine to control my mood swings from anorexia. lol I am so sorry you have to deal with your brother, guys can be the biggest dicks at times...I hope you feel better...xoxo PS-I feel "cut off" alot too :(
from weathernoise :
there is this quote from the fight club that i dont remember right now, but when i get home ill look it up and paste it for you hun... but it says something about how insomnia is not never being able to sleep, its never being able to wake up; how falling asleep is really just waking up from your dream... that Truth and Beauty are in sleep and dreams, not reality... or something. i thought of it when reading your entry today... take care hun, its not over till everythings okay... and if everything isnt okay, its not over.
from alysia :
aww. thanks for saying i am a beautiful person. i think you are great too. <3
from lostunicorn :
Here for you if you need me x
from blankstares9 :
oi, hey, i understand. and you're probably thinging "no, you don't so shut up." but i do. I have an eating disorder and my mom knows but wants to deny it. so i let her stay that way. i look in the mirror and hate what i see. I'm boney, but i'm the same instant i feel so huge. It's hard, but i'm getting through. So, i'm praying for ya. You can stop cutting too. It's all up to you, and what you want. Well, i'm out. Hope you find your happiness. As i hope i find mine. Later days ,Annie
from xquisitepain :
i agree with you on the whole "depressed" cutter thing.
from loll-y :
Hi thanks for your note I have a new diary here http://poshgrrl.diaryland.com
from alysia :
Oh, it makes me sad that you have to cut. :( Be safe okay? Muchos Love..
from darkeone :
i love you hunny. You'll never freeze up inside because the poetry of your words will keep the blood running fine. Stay safe.x.x.x.
from darkeone :
i know i already emailed you with words to this effect, but you're beautiful. I think i love you... hollie X
from loseurself :
so beautiful <3<3<3
from onyx-cherub :
if i could, i would take your hand and bring you out of misery, my dear. *hugs*
from lostunicorn :
Honey, Would i be right in thinking that you wrote last goodbye? If so its truely amazing so much so actually that I was woundering if you'd mind if I stuck a copy in my diary? I really do hope today goes as well as it can. Take care x x x
from anawanna :
Hey don't get so down on yourself...cutting is serious your just fine, remember. You dont need to do that to yourself to take away the pain. People love you so so much more than you know, hang in there girl, Your a brave one {Hugs N Kisses} Mwah
from crying-dove :
hi, I've heard bout ur diary I've known Hayley for a long time, we linked to each other yesterday, I luv ur writting.
from xquisitepain :
xxxoxoxoxxx missing you :( don't be sad... i hope you're alright. you are beautiful.
from darkeone :
You're beautiful hunny. Hang in there, okay? Welldone for hitting school; you're so much braver than me it's unimaginable. Belated salutations for your bday, too. Love always ~hollie X
from onyx-cherub :
*hugs* you're so brave and such a darling. i hope that one day you'll be able to see that you are an incredible person and deserve all the happiness in the world.
from loseurself :
hey hunny, i think it was so brave of you to go back to school, even if only for one day, you're beautiful, truly. <3 lauren
from loribear :
I just randomly came to your diary, and I started reading your notes... I haven't even read any entries... I can't believe you want to get down to 90 pounds. I'm guessing that you have an ED... so do I. But I'm trying to recover from mine for my boyfriend. Anyway. I just wanted to say hi. so... HI - Lori
from poisonedtear :
I'm glad you didn't get down to 90 pounds, in fact I was terrified that you'd make it. Even if you had got there you wouldn't have wanted to stay there, you'd still have wanted, needed, to lose more. You're perfect just as you are. Claire x
from dying-beauty :
hang in there.....life will get better...don't let anybody bring you down....
from x-hidden-x :
I'm moving to x-hidden-x.diaryland.com. I hope you feel better hun, you don't have to be 90 pounds to be beautiful in my eyes. Love ya, Lauren (Unworthypain)
from onyx-cherub :
you are incredible. i love you.
from prettywaste :
happy birthday love. im late, i know, im sorry. feel better. best wishes, <3Christina
from hungryangel :
Happy Birthday hun. I hope you feel better about things~
from pinkwolf :
hey sweetheart. happy birthday. i say this, but i know for people like us (sorry for generalisation) birthdays r never happy. well, i hope with all my heart that urs was, cos u deserveit. u said at the end of ur last entry, that u will never b accepted, well, thats not true, cos i accept u, and admire u, and respect u, and ive never met u, so think of how much the people who do know u must feel for u :) all my love, and a thousand big hugs, and i know it doesnt help, but u are iccle and skinny enough. i know it doesnt feel like it, but u really r. love u, lara.
from hidden-poems :
Although you have gotten so many already here is another. Happy birthday. xoxo-jeff PS i listed you as a favourite and read you very often.
from shampain19 :
well happy birthday, it looks like you have tons of people that care about you and love you, and ya should cause you seem like a cool girl : )
from your-embrace :
happy birthday. <3
from dying-beauty :
//\\another year gone down the drain.... go get drunk...it'll numb the pain//\\
from cherry-girl :
happy bday again xx
from w-barbie :
hey, i noticed you wanted my password, just email me for it and i'll give it to you (wishingbarbie@hotmail.com)
from unworthypain :
Happy Birthday Claire...be strong and keep writing your pretty words. <3 Lauren
from inshadow :
Your words are lovely, and thanks for signing the g-book at my diary.
from lostunicorn :
you write so well. x x
from slash-mel :
Seems like we have many things in common... Welcome to tatu diarying.
from unworthypain :
such pretty words...
from cherry-girl :
ok thanx!! xoxo
from onyx-cherub :
oooh god, claire you are incredible. even though there is pain in your life, you write in such a relatable and beautiful way. i love you so much.
from your-embrace :
thank you. your beauty surpasses mine. falling for your words is all i can do.
from onyx-cherub :
happy birthday sweetheart. i love you!
from darkeone :
I love you sweety. I'm falling apart at the moment (as my entries no doubt show in graphic yet still inanely boring detail) but when I read you it makes me feel like there's at least SOMEBODY out there who knows a little of what I feel. Hope your mood improves, k? love and xxes <3 XhozX
from sylviashadow :
hey..we have so many of the same interests it's scary--have you seen my profile? THanx for visiting and come back soon..e-mail me for the password for access to my deadjournal--sylviashadow
from anawanna :
i love your writeing style...its really unique and interesting. Your not too late if you want to turn things around...my problems are just beggining and i dont ever want to look back, but dont ever think its too late! I understand your thoughts on school, and secret binges..thanx for the note! your a sweetie dont let your life waste away so keep taking care xoxoxoxox :-)
from sickfreak :
hello, thank you for the note.. it was very sweet... i really wish i knew how to change it because i would update the background more often but i don't.. :(.. anyway, i'm going to add you to my b/l.. hope you don't mind.. goodbye.
from bahmoo :
It's never too late.
from hungryangel :
Everything can get better hun-just don't stop trying.
from weight4me :
hi ..thanks for stopping by my diary and for the nice note.Im curious...how did you find my diary?
from cherry-girl :
hey. idk if you can delete them . ill check tho. <3 thanx
from heartshaped :
thanks. this is beautiful. i'll be back. <3
from hibiscus101 :
hey chica- i know exactly how that feels...brings back so tripped out memories. have a good day, atleast try to hun. ttyl
from whorelikeme :
thanks for signing my GB (at uj - i'm brickwall there). i added you, i hope you don't mind.
from cherry-girl :
thanx muxh. ill send somethin.
from onyx-cherub :
you keep making me cry, my girl. we may not have the same situations with our households, but the feeling of vulnerability is completely mutual. your words touch me profoundly.
from onyx-cherub :
I love you sweetheart.
from cherry-girl :
hey. thanx. can i have your addy at your house? like so i can mail you somehting? if not thats cool too. xoxo i love you.
from xquisitepain :
haven't talked to you in a long time. i miss you. xxxoxoxxx
from lostunicorn :
You are beautiful too. You may not believe it, you may not see it but you are. You are not disgusting your ill. There's a difference *HUGS* Lostunicorn x x x
from loseurself :
i know exactly what you mean, every word. my house is just like yours, but there's only hole in the door, but then again i don't have a printer. i understand, keep your head up
from red-labeled :
i want to say something but my mind just goes blank and the only thing i can say is... _______.
from onyx-cherub :
Claire you are beautiful and strong and smart and so precious to me and I love you and I want nothing more than for you to know that. *hugs*
from brokenhrtd86 :
~*Claire, Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to the note you left me. I've been kinda busy with school and stuff. Thanks for the note, dear! I always enjoy receiving notes. They cheer me up. I read your diary, which took a while. I admire you being able to write so openly about what you're going through. I wish I could write about everything I do or have done. My story is quite similar to yours. If you wanna hear the whole story I can email you sometime. Keep writing and stay safe sweetie! <3 Stephanie
from onecutabove :
Where is the new tf at? I haven't heard anything yet.
from onyx-cherub :
i love you sweetie.
from darkeone :
Aaw sweety - blood in your purges really REALLY isn't good. Please stay safe, 'akay? Iloveu xXx
from poshgrrl :
Hi love your diary please jion my new pro-ana forum http://poshgrrl.proboards13.com
from onyx-cherub :
I love silverchair, and Tori Amos, and you.
from onyx-cherub :
i hope you someday find the freedom you wish for. i can relate to your words so well and i just want to give you a hug. *hug*
from ravenheart :
Thank you for joining my Nightheart ring, you are welcome!
from xquisitepain :
hey hang in there. im hoping itll get better for you, even if youre not hoping. it will get better. i love you. stay safe. oxxxo
from aorist :
Hey its me Wish. I have moved my diary so that I do not have to lock it anymore. Starting the first of February it can be found at aorist.diaryland.com :)
from wordy7 :
thanks for your kind words. i feel like i can relate to you as well so i added you to my favorites list (i hope that is okay.)
from quantum87 :
.. and your beauty is like none other. excruciating .xo.
from mylostangel :
thanks (smiles) how did come across my little peice of heaven?
from hibiscus101 :
i added you as a fav cause at times i see myself in what your writing. anytime you need a friend i will be there. holy shit thats a mariah carey lyric. lmao. what has the world come to. have a great day hun. you deserve a truly great day.:)
from darkeone :
You're not fat, hun. You weren't when you were thirteen, either. I know it's hard to accept this, to believe e when you know me only through my own entries, but you're not. You have to have faith in yourself...we'll get through this together. You're my thinspiration for now, so rejoice in the fact that //I// don't think you're fat, even if you do... x X x
from xquisitepain :
i wish i could binge and purge to be thin, like you do...
from cherry-girl :
my new user and pword are (user)spidey and undies(pword)
from darkeone :
Ggr. Fucking dland won't recognise the hyphen in your username. Try logging in with uname : 'justfine' and password : 'secrets'. Sign my gbook to let me know you got in alright, 'kay? x X x
from darkeone :
love you always. *hugs* X
from poisonedtear :
*hugs* always here for you.
from the-n-side :
aw. you make me sad.
from evilsuicide :
i know just how you feel..with the paranoid thing. someone can look at me and i automatically say "it wasnt me" or "im sorry". i really have a problem with saying random things though. i.ll bust out telling someone to get out of my face, when i was calm a second before that. thats why i get called psycho i guess [? :\] well...thanks for the note, it makes me feel good when people like my writings. no matter how 'scary' i guess they can get . --xx--jackie
from insidelies :
Hey, thanks for the note (It might just be me being really sad but, don't you feel special when you get a note?! Lol). The username is 'ana' and the password is 'mia'. And, I live in Worthing. :o) Best wishes, insidelies.
from quantum87 :
merci beacoup, belle.. although my beauty will never match yours .xo.
from wishh :
Hey you. Locking the diary up. Real life is threatening to intrude and I must hide my secrets. So here is the login info. Wishh, autumn.
from darkeone :
aaw ty for your note! I loked it cuz half my school was reading it without me knowing. Which was fun, fun, fun. Anyway, since you don't know me outside diaryland, I set it up so you can access it. Your password is 'secrets'. Sign my gbook to let me know you got in alright, 'kay? -xXx-hoz-xXx-
from loseurself :
*blush*
from xquisitepain :
:( dunt be sawd!
from diaryreviews :
Your review is up at http://diaryreviews.diaryland.com/justfine.html. ~Vicky
from sweetsugar17 :
thanks for signing my notes!! ...i really know how everything is and i hope everything will be better for you soon!! xoxox
from hungerhurts :
now don't be so hard on yourself. i've done tons more silly stuff in my day. also, i will take all the free fans i can get, accident or not!
from dying-beauty :
i dunno...verything always seems to fall apart
from lostunicorn :
*Hugs* Sometimes its nice just to be held.
from begging-ana :
its on my hunger-hurts diary. xoxox.
from xquisitepain :
claire... :( i dont know what to say i dont want to sound like everyone else, cuz im not like them but im scared for you. i know nothing i say is going to change what you want to do but im scared that you're going to really mess yourself up, even more than you are now... im sorry, i know i have no place to say anything. xxx
from deadpassive :
i know exactly how you feel...i had a lot of essays to write, assignments to finnish..but i just binged & purged the time away. and it feels so pathetic. i hope you get better. love/ "deadpassive"
from xquisitepain :
:( your moms a bitch. i love you, even if they dont. xoxoxo
from mslola :
RE: 1/3 entery Word of advice. When people dump all over you and tear you into little pieces, it usually has more to do with them and not you. Yes, it hurts more when it comes from someone you love or least someone that ought to love you. Please, try not to let the stinging words get to you - don't hand over your power to what your mother said. It is more about what she is going through, not you. You cannot take responsibility for her baggage.
from mslola :
i was just in surrey yesterday. i drove through while spending the holiday in whistler. in case i haven't said it already, thanks for the thoughtful note. cheers!
from xquisitepain :
same here. i cut myself yesterday after not doing it for such a long time. im sorry. xxxErinxxx
from lostunicorn :
Hope whatever you chose to do it turned out ok. If it helps I harmed yesterday after stopping for a month, giving up is hard. I relate. Luv Lostunicorn x
from dying-beauty :
yeah... listen to erin, it'll be good for you. ~*Melissa*~
from xquisitepain :
i think you should go to the new years party. :) <3 xxxErinxxx
from burntreviews :
You didn't link back to us, and I can't review you. Sorry! Put the link in, and then I'll be sure to. =)
from bcpurity :
hey fine! srry i left the chat! it wasn't anything u said so dont think that. y did u leave the chat this morning? xox luv ya
from raven72d :
Do well...and know that you have friends out there.
from rougeana99 :
Hey Sweetie, I just read your entry and wanted to give you a hug and tell you its ok. Just keep looking to the future, don't dwell to much on the past. **HUGS** Love ya, Melia
from brokenbits :
you sound so like me from just a few months ago. i stopped because i got pregnant - bit i am scared that once that excuse is gone, i dont know how i'll be again. i feel for you, sweetie, cos i know it all feels so hopeless and never-ending. you are in my thoughts... Mo xx
from drymouth :
thank you
from deadpassive :
i know how you feel...everyone is commenting about how much i eat too, its so humiliating. but im trying to convert to ana again, i hope ill succeed this time. remeber that youre in control and dont let yourself go. i know how hard it is but..making it through the first day without binging is the hardest. after that it becomes easier and easier. i hope it works out for you. take care of your self
from mslola :
where are you from?
from augustsend :
I just read a few more of your entries, and wanted to say your writing is beautiful... and I understand what your going through... I just got through eleven years of it. -Ashface. <3
from augustsend :
Thanks. I know your pain, I just recently stopped purging.
from openthegate :
just dropping in to thank you for your kind words in my guestbook and to hope that 2003 brings you placidness and hapiness from here on out.
from gbg :
Welcome to the Cruel Intentions diaryring!
from raven72d :
I hope 2003 is a year where you can feel in control of your life...
from deadpassive :
thank you for the note. im glad your wrote to me..it feels like im the only one not being able to control this. have you always been mia or are you ana also?
from purplelagoon :
thanks for adding :) xx
from hunger-hurts :
username: hungerhurts / pword: starvingworks... =)
from britneypink :
Hey,thanks for the note. I love your layout too. You have some really intense stuff. I hope you have some good memories this holiday..someway..somehow. Be good to yourself.
from lostunicorn :
sometimes people don't reaise that we just need to talk. Properley talk when it DOESN'T end in hospital visits, thearpists, medical centers or telling parents. Why don't people see this??? *hugs*
from staythisway :
thank you so much <33
from wire-ending :
the username is thursday, the password is rocks
from evilsuicide :
you beautiful girl you. if i could have one wish it would be that you would never feel the need to cut or starve or throw up ever. because you don.t need to. you.re beautiful in every way even if i can.t see your face. xoxxxxo-jackie
from brokenmirror :
Sweetheart, thanks sooo much for your beautiful note, I love you so much, I care for you more than you could imagine, you are so beautiful. I'll send you postcards and pictures from Rome of course and I know you dont have any credit it doesnt matter, really. I will send you some messages every ow an then tho, to remind you that you are never, never ever alone. I amalways here for you. Take care darling xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxRia
from raven72d :
Thanks for the kind words... Do take care of yourself this season-- no jumping under trains, no cutting... You are valuable.
from brokenmirror :
I'm leaving for Rome now and I don't know if I can get online there, I promise to try my best! So I wish you merry merry xmas, I heart you lots, celebrate New Year as loud as you can and be happy, darling, you deserve it. I love you so much, you're an angel. keep going please xxxxRia
from raven72d :
I've missed hearing from you...
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* am here if you need a hug or two
from sharpsecret :
how much do u weigh ?:(
from brokenmirror :
NO!!! Sweetheart don't say this, please don't. I don't want to lose you, I love you too much, please. Don't say something like this. It's not your fault. Don't listen to them, don't believe them, you're doing NOTHING to them. you hear me? NOTHING. Youre mother has NO RIGHT to beat you, this is ABUSE, ok? Don't punish yourself for something that is NOT your fault. Goddess, Claire, I love you too pieces angelheart, I so love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from anaschild :
hey im locking my diary.. i saw u had me on ur favorites.. the user name is 'ana' and the password is 'mia'. i absolutely love your diary.. its like everyting i think but cant say sometimes
from xquisitepain :
i know how you feel about having them tell you how YOU put THEM on anti-depressants as if they wonder who got YOU on them in the first place. if you ever need to chat, you have my MSN name. :)
from purplelagoon :
Hey darling. I haven't spoken to you for what eems like decades, I haven't been following diaries lately due to familly issues (i'll explain later) So I was just wondering how things are, I hope the answer is not too bad. Did you get my text? Hope you did, well I hope to speak to you soon, please take care :) Love and hugs. Claire
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* Guildford is a nice place. I live near there when I'm not at uni. Take care sweetheart Luv Lostunicorn x
from prettywaste :
Your brother is just like mine. Breaks things when he is frustrated. Im sorry your mother went through your things, im sorry you had to have horrible things said to your face. That was not fair. I know how hard it is. If you ever need to talk, im here. Take Care. <3Christina
from anabellee :
Hey. Thanks for the note you dropped a couple of days ago. It's great that someone relates. Been lurking around your diary and yep, we do have somethings in common. Drop by my ana/mia site if you got the chance. http://depressive-rants.netfirms.com/FloatLikeAFeather.htm
from myhappiness2 :
Hi, & just when I think I have problems, I read your diary and wonder..what am I really worried about. Beautiful diary.
from no1knows-ed :
Thanks for the e-mail. I respect you for your choice. The mask we put on in hopes that no one will know. That no one will know our deepest secret. Hey, I was just thinking. If you hate life now. Why not give the conseling a chance? If you don't like it or think nothings changed you can always go back to where you are now. Just a thought. I wrote you an e-mail. Please read it as soon as you can. =) I respect you even if you don't respect yourself.
from deadblckrose :
* big hug and a kiss on the cheek* I miss you when you don't update often.. love you.
from beat-me :
i just took pictures last night, i need to get the film developed, and then i need to hook up the scanner, and then figure out how to get my damned pictures on my page, then you can see me, and see my cuts, and stuff, fun, i love you doll... kitti
from namelessgirl :
oy.... seen your page before, some day or another. i remember it cause it had such a great layout. i can't say a cliche like 'i know what you are going through' or 'i've been there, hang on'. actually, i don't really know what to say.
from no1knows-ed :
Hey! yeah that was me. Sorry I thought I gave you my addy. Oops. It's fearlessbeliever@msn.com Hope to hear from you soon! ttyl
from hazelrain :
hey, i'm a cutter too so i know what you're going through... i hope it helps you because it helped me until some bitch at school saw the cuts and told the nurse... got me in some couseling. but i like your diary..
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* Autumn always makes me feel nostalgic
from deadblckrose :
As I am for you my love.
from typical-girl :
Thank you 4 being you!!! I swear I can say with a relaxed heart that you are one of those special people who has made me feel comfortable just being me. I never meant to make it seem like I was ingnoring you. I swear I wasn't. I will explain in my diary. I was hurting... and running. Everywhere and nowhere. You are such a beautiful shining person. A beacon in my life anyway.
from brainwashed3 :
i love you too, babe, **screams at self... NO MORE** not to you, to me, well stay strong anyway, i love you girl
from mary-poppins :
It would be worthless to lecture yoo on binging, so I won't. Instead I'll just shut up and say how much I loved your diary. It's beautiful. -gina
from brainwashed3 :
come on, you want to stay strong right? you even said it in your last entry, the whole binging thing is expencive... please please stop, buliemia is not worth it, please, i dont want you to be so blind as to not see the hurt that you are setting upon yourself... i love you girlie... kitti
from xbrokenxstar :
thankyou.your honesty is beautiful-your writing shines.xx
from prettywaste :
Thank you so much for your support & your kind words - they mean a lot to me. ~ Christina
from deadblckrose :
Happy Halloween. Love.
from brainwashed3 :
i know how it feels, the movie playing over and over, and everyone is lined up to watch, but, they dont understand that the film star is tired out, they come to scare themselves, and think, "im glad that that isnt me in there" and dont realize, it is you, you are the one being hurt, you are the one, it is all a joke to them, not to you... stay good, be strong, you can make it... kitti
from thisisjohn :
your writing is "just-fine". (ha, im a dork)
from brainwashed3 :
i get it all, it is all worth the time, and even though they think nothing of you, well, when everyone has left, you are the last to be called, you still watch over them, you still care for them, even though, they have grown from you, you are still on them, i am here for you too, i will always be, i am your kitti, just-fine, you may say that, i may say that, we are not, you and i, are not just fine, we may say that to hide the tears, to hide the gashes, to hide the inner us, but no, if you read between the lines, you will soon be able to tell that, there is not one thing that is just fine, i love you, my heart will be with you through it all... kitti
from sb1rustybg :
Your diary entires are so tantalizing. They just grab me and i wnat to keep reading all day long... Keep writing, keep being honest. You have no idea how many people you are connecting with, how many people you are helping by being honest and admitting your fears. I admire you.
from anti-all :
i read. i'll be comming back to read more. hope you are having a good day. =)
from jadedmist :
I would love to do the same to myself. I wish I could think of something clever to say to take away your torment, but the truth of the matter is that I feel the same. So maybe we can just help eachother through the darkness.
from retard-grrl :
i just read your entry "silent". the words you wrote make so much fucking sense & saddly i can completely relate.
from girl101 :
hi.
from brokenwords- :
i love this.
from oweirdone :
Thanks for your message! I wanna jus add a few things to maybe argue my point a little. And what i wrote in my diary wasn't only about you...it was about quite a few people, i was just angry and upset at the same time, you know? Anyway, you should never think you deserve happiness, you were put on this earth to expierience life, not hate it! (you may think im like all god god god...but i aint, i dont believe in him, anyway!). All you gotta remember is that friends are always gonna be there for you no matter what...lying to them because you dont want them to feel hurt or anything isn't always the right thing to do...i mean if they were to find out and confront you it might be alittle to much pressure for you, i know it would for me. But i really do understand where your coming from and i would love to be a friend of yours if you let me? Heh, anyway, hope you have a nice morning/afternoon/evening and i hope to hear from you soon!
from raven72d :
The layout image you have is heartbreaking... And I find myself captivated by your writing...
from deadblckrose :
I have just gotten the courage to write you and tell you that I admire your writing. I get so sucked into your writing and I just never want to come out. Your long entries make me feel like I know who you are. And I can tell you now, I wouldn't turn you down. I'd be your friend. You may get that a lot, but I do honestly mean it. And I think, if you aren't, that you so go and get into kissmyfist diaryring. Because your writing is.. wow... Love. Erin.
from oweirdone :
I read your diary with tears in my eye's...and IMMA GUY!. I've never ever really cried over someone before in my life (cept when your young and jus cry for fun...well i did!) but i almost did with you because of the things you say you go through...i dont know you, yet i feel i care for you and everyone else goin through all these problems. I just wish i could help in some way and i'm sorry that i cant..
from xtornintwox :
hey ..thnx for the hugz !!! i definatly appreciate every hug i get recently ..and that definatly made me feel a lil better :) ..i didnt know anyone actually read that page ...but its cool to know that sumone actually would take time out of their day to read the stupid shit i write ..but thnx ...i was readin a few of your entries too ....sounds like your also going through alot of hard stuff...well i completely understand and if u ever need sumone to talkto email me or im me ..im always online seeing that basically i dont like to leave my house too much. but *lots of hugz back* and good luck with everything :) ~jen~
from sxepunk :
Hi, thank you. I like your diary too. Out of curiosity, how did you come across mine? Well, have an awesome day! -Ashley.
from sxepunk :
Hi, thank you. I like your diary too. Out of curiosity, how did you come across mine? Well, have an awesome day! -Ashley.
from purplelagoon :
I have had to lock my diary, the username is everyone and the password is 147212. Bye. Purplelagoon.
from xquisitepain :
why, thank you. //3ryn//
from prettywaste :
thanks for stopping by. I read some of your entries - there amazing. Take Care - Christina.
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* Gives you a glass of water and a big warm blancket and tells you that it will be ok. Why not write your english presentation about embarressment then it won't matter if you go red. Take care Lostunicorn
from sb1rustybg :
Thanks for the message you left. My heart hurts while reading your diary entries... I keep thinking i'm reading my own diary, of a few months ago. I have come so far. The only advice i can give you (if you want it), is to keep surviving the way you are, until your life becomes unmanageable. Keep using the puking and starving and cutting for all that its worth. No one can 'make' you 'get better' until you decide to.
from lostunicorn :
Hiya honey, Would I be right in assuming that your in the UK somewhere? If so do not worry about coursework, they tell you it needs to be in december, it actually doesn't get posted till april 2003. How do I know, cos when I was doing mine I left 11 pieces until the end of March. Don't worry you will get it done. :) Moving on if you ever need someone to 'talk' too them my email address is chezza_3@hotmail.com I visited my thearpist this week and have realised that I'm not ready to let go but that isn't a bad thing because at the moment this is keeping me alive. Take care Luv Cheryl x
from sb1rustybg :
I used to hate myself. I made myself puke and i exercised for hours just becuase i knew i wasn't good enough that i thought that i'd never be good enough. I wanted to reach that perfection though... Perfection was what i longed for. I wanted it more than anything. If anyone would even TRY to take away my bulimia, i blew up. It was MINE...it was MY secret, it was MINE, the only thing i had. What i didn't realize though, was that i had a disease. A disease that could not be 'won' by willpower. I would either die if i kept doing what i was doing, or i would live if i chose recovery. This may not be your time yet...i mean, maybe your eating disorder and the cutting and all that is still working for you..maybe its still giving you what you want from it. I'm not going to tell you that you need to stop. But if it ever stops working for you.... There is hope of escaping. I have found recovery, and, if there comes a timew hen you want it, you can find it too.
from purplelagoon :
I'll always be here for you. stay beautiful. Claire... x
from deadblckrose :
That's what I figured.. I don't think your runied. You're still young... think of it that way. It may suck now, but maybe.. hopefully it'll get better. hugs.and.kisses.Erin.
from deadblckrose :
I have a question.. since I don't really know much about purging and whatnot.. when you throw up isn't their like remains from your vomit. Cuz the last time I pucked there was still vomit in the toilet after about 3 flushes.. I'm just curious. Much love. Erin.
from deadblckrose :
I want to hold you and kiss you all over...
from ed-is-dead :
I know there's probably not much that I can say, but I am at school with both isolatedsoul and sharpsecret and know more people with the same problems. So don't ever believe that you are alone in whatever you choose to do. Believe it or not, there are people out there who will accept you for who you are. I know I do. xxnick
from porcine :
Thanks for leaving me a note. I like your layout, as well. And I appreciate your writing. I can understand both viewpoints (you and your friends) on the hospital situation. Trickery isn't the way to go about it though. They should have just tried to talk to you about it. It's your choice, and it kinda rocks that no one can take that away from you.
from brokenmirror :
Love, I hope your alright? What has happened? Your last entry worried me a lot, not to mention the one before, I really really hope your OK?? Please please say a word!! Lots of love & I miss you xxxRia
from dramawhore :
love your diary hun :)
from supergirl06 :
i read your diary and i love it, i can tottlay relate. how did it go with your friends?
from sabgrffn :
Sorry, one last thing I forgot to say a second ago. I wasted 10 years of my life sitting here in my room 'cause it felt safe. I dropped out of high school (and only got my diploma last year), I've not gone to college, I've had 1.5 serious relationships with guys, I can't get a job now because I've only had one previously and I'm *27* years old. I've often wished I could go back in time and kick my younger self's ass, tell her to get some help before she just sat on 10 years of her life. So in lieu of being able to do that, let me just say... don't let this happen to yourself, if you can at all. --Sabine.
from sabgrffn :
Sorry to have been so long getting back to you. I am so glad you're feeling better, and hope that one day you get to a place where you want help. It's truly worth the effort, and I feel like one day you'll probably get tired of being down and unhappy all the time. Or that's what happened to me, anyway. I realized that I had a right to be happy, so I figured out what I had to do to get that way and went after it. Not that just taking a pill solves all my problems--far from it, in fact. But it gives me a better outlook on solving my problems, I feel. If you ever need to talk, my email is sabgrffn@charter.net; feel free. Hope you're alright, Sabine.
from sabgrffn :
I hate to be the kind of person who's dishing out unsolicited advice, but I feel a great need to do it, just this once. You can get mad or angry or whatever all you want, just listen to me. You need to find a therapist and get on an antidepressant. I'm not a doctor or anything, but you sound to me like you've got severe depression and anxiety. There are drugs that can help you get through these things, but you have to want to get well first. I've been living in the dark for about 10 years, until I finally realized that if I didn't do something, I was going to either waste my entire life hating myself and feeling like shit or I was going to kill myself. I want to do more than that. I want to be happy and I want to do things I enjoy. Paxil is helping me do that. I know I sound like a commercial and everything, but it really is worth it. Take care of yourself, Sabine
from art-esque41 :
*thanks for the note. i cant really put what i feel into words so its good to know some people understand. get as much help as you can and take care *
from brokenmirror :
Yesterday my friend asked me if eating didnt make me happy. I wonder how this should be possible, I wonder how I can et anything without worrying about my weight. Still my worst days are over, its not as extreme anymore as it was last year. My cutting episodes however are asgreat as ever before. Just minutes ago I wasa longing for a knife t refresh my scars and make me real and help me escape from all this, alhough I know I should find an other way - if there is one which I doubt. I dont think you can get along with life without cutting if you dont want to lose your dark side, and Im more afraid of becoming boring and light than of somebody seeing my cuts. Thanks for saying I could always talk, Id love to return that offer. You can email me anytime under blackmail@haefft.de. Take care dear and dont hurt yourself, please xxxMiranda
from hungerbites :
Thanks for the note you left on my diary. I just read yours and well, about the laxatives - ouch, they're really not good... however, people don't bat an eyelid when you buy them (at least not in England). Anyway, no ones ever commented or anything whenever I buy them so I don't think you've got anything to worry about there - just be careful if you do take them! Best wishes - Hungerbites.
from she-cried :
oh by the way, this is bendme, i am on my other username for my private diary.
from she-cried :
i got drunk last night too, we were probably chuggin alchohol at the same time, kool. i get upset too, but say things and how i feel, like i wouldnt when i am sober. great diary. love you. lauren ox
from xcalaber :
hey i dont know you but i am going through the same things you are and i know how you feel. i just need to tell you i luved your poem and i hope you get better
from shadedsmile :
Hey there----it was so nice to wake up to your note...If y ou ever just wanna talk to someone feel free to email me. Its always good to be connected with people who understand what you're going through. Take care *grin*
from isolatedsoul :
ur last entry .. what happened to you - the ppl and not being able to breathe - sounds like a panic attack ... just thought u might to know that ur not goin insane .... if u need an ear who wont be hurt or judge what u say u know where to find me .. xx kt xx
from dyingsmile :
thankyou that means alotxxx takecarex u are a fallen angel,and dont deserve this trapped lonelyness.liston to that u dont claire.love j xx
from sharpsecret :
i also lyed and sed i stopped purging but instead purged amd binged.i was underweight.but wen i binged it wasnt noticable.i plan to lie alot.its really bad.u think like me.i hated ppl knowin so lied and carried on.u must feel so trapped and lonely.i am here 4 you.love hayleyx
from dyingsmile :
your diary moves me
from hiddenapathy :
Unworthy, i definitly get that, your diary is very moving and i find myself relating to a lot of the things you say. Take care and if you ever need an open ear be sure to come and find me.
from sharpsecret :
i cant believe how alike we are!we have the same probs the same frends names in hayley ur kay!how crazy!!im havin coucillin at the mo,its crap!ill talk to u soon plz takecare hun love Hay xx
from sharpsecret :
hey u can change urs by-go to mine at the bottem of the pink square in the bottem rite hand corner it says poo designs.click on it.then under templates pic a design,copy the HTML and then just paste it in the entry or older thing.wotever 1 u like.hayley_foster@hotmail.com if u wanna talk msn?email?takecare hunn xxxx
from sharpsecret :
hi u seem like ur having a really shit time at the mo.i can relate to what u say.u seem really nice.read my diary if u like.food is a wanker yet i eat so much shit.bulimia is a nitemare.the word is horible.im nota a word im a person.takecare love Hayley xxx

back to just-fine's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland


Recent public entries

Support Diaryland

Upgrade to gold membership


Users online right now

kankan*