Here is a list of alwaysinhim's favourite diary entries by other members:

bar night. bar bright. by papotheclown comment:   i (think that) i believe in excess./// (though it comes to mind that what i believe when it comes to abstract things, like excess for example, i am always changing my mind. tomorrow i will probably believe in stoicism. or maybe sleep. yes, i almost certain that tomorrow i will believe in sleep.)/// today, though, i believe in excess. but not the thoughtless drinking and sexing that is usually celebrated within my age group. but more of the drinking and sexing that leads to something profound. excess as a pursuit of experience. experience being the way to understanding the world. /// last night started out that way. the dive bar poolhall around the corner from my house. marley, dylan and ccr in the jukebox. five dollar pictchers of beer. before the inebretian even hit there was joy. singing and dancing and sucking at pool. my colorado friends and i discussing love and the fleeting pursuit of beauty. my buzz was spiritual. i was a bar monk. meditating and contemplating life with a ciggerette in my hand./// then the girl without a bra showed up and the evening was pretty much shot to hell. /// which perhaps proves a somewhat profound point. no man is spiritual or poetic when he has a chance to see nipples. I want to trade in a defective parental unit, please by thunderdave comment:   "I remain among the many gentle Diaryland snowflakes whose parental units have malfunctioned. Well, one of them. ....................... I'm taking him to Microsoft to get reprogrammed first chance I get." Asshole by lostoblivion comment:   Babe.. I feel you on this one, more than I care to.. but I suppose that's just the way of life. existentialist my ass by bilgedasto comment:   "is it difficult for me to discuss anything positive? // no. // this journal is here to help me endure my daily nonsense and serve as a reference point. nothing more. i save the good stuff for my few friends and family. they are the ones who worry and need reassurance that i have no intention of painting the walls with my tangled gray matter. when things are going well, there are only minor adjustments. so why mention them? instead, i prefer to sit back, practice convulsing and absorb the precious endorphins into my blood stream. // i would say that i am largely cynical and this applies to all facets of my life. my sullen disposition does not mean i am not capable of laughter or repose. it's just a defense mechanism that has been modified into a weapon of mass destruction. or so i would like to think." I Think... by lostoblivion comment:   "Begging: I think you�ve found a way, to make every word my death. Every time you say hello to someone else and refuse to greet my smile, you betray a memory of a boy who once made me see the world for all its beauty. I think that very soon I will let you go to live your life, and I don�t think you will care, but I will always want you to. I will never give up on you. As a person. As a life. As a beautiful man who once spoke to me of poets, but I will give up on you. I think it�s time I kept my word for once, and went through with this murder, don�t you? I wish I could smile when I think of you�the way I used to do. My dear lost friend. // Aggravation: I think you need confrontation to breathe and feel important. I think you love to push to know you have that power. I don�t think you can handle being pushed back. I think you�re afraid of more than you let on. I think you need help, I think you have more problems than me, and they�re all part of some bullshit theory to cope with how boring and uncomplicated your life really is. I think the only thing you really feel is the shallow drop in the pit of your stomach every time you realize that someone knows you more than you wanted them to. I think you�re like a horoscope, grasping for vague definitions of a life that somehow bleeds into being true by merely applying it to any stigma of life. I do think you�re arrogant, and I won�t apologize for it. I think you�re spoiled rotten, just like me, only I�m spoiled on being pushed to believe in myself, and you can�t appreciate it when someone does a damn thing for you. I think you�re what I used to be. Funny, I hate what I used to be but I don�t hate you. You did bring some warmth back to me and I thank you for that, but each etch of your smile that falls upon me, only riddles me with self doubt and is laced with an undeniable pain. You�re words make me feel like less of a person, you press your faith upon me sometimes, and you have no regard for the fact that I have my own life to live, and I don�t want your input. I don�t want your life. It took me years to love myself, and when I finally do, you try to push me to change it, maybe not concisely, but you do. I hate arguing with you, I accept that there will be things that you will always have a need to explain to me, and preach to me about. I wish you could try to see my side, I know I try to see yours. I see where some instances do come off as vanity but are really accurate self-assessments beneath it all. I still believe that by saying that assessment is correct, is an act of arrogance in itself. You never speak an opinion, it�s always as if it�s some fact to you and I hate that you try to make it seem as if your words are the only ones lacking fallible logic in the world. I tell you believe something is, you say something is. I say I believe in respect to the fact that others are entitled to their opinion, I don�t believe that you hold that respect and anyone lacking in respect for me or my friends�well, I�ll just say I have a hard time lending you mine in return. I do think you want to find something twisted and bending in the back of your mind, and I think you will. You�ll make it up. // Afraid: I think you�ll always hold me as high as you do and yourself always so low. I think you�re so much more than what you say you are. I think you�re better than that. I wish you would let the anger die, and then I wish you would teach me how to do the same. I hate my defensive nature; I hate how I�ve grown to mistrust your motives. I hate that you�ve given me reason to. Why? Tell me? I want to know I�m safe with you, that I can trust a blade of warmth hidden in your smile. That I can�t trust that secret you hide, the longing you search for. I think you�ll find your past one day, folded inside your eyes. I hope you find me too. Maybe. // Magnanimous: I think you�re just too young to see a difference and I can�t wait to watch you grow. I think you�ve been a dear friend to me for so long, and that although we all do stupid things, you�re one of the few who will realize those mistakes with time. I�ve seen you calm, slowly pulling words in tune to think, I believe in my friend in you. Don�t grow too quickly or I may not recognize you when we next meet. // Weary from this Journey: I think you both deserve so much more. I think you deserve to see how beautiful you both are to me, I think you both smile with honesty. I�m terrified of where I�ve been, pain inflicted in broken arrows, slinging slanderous names, weeping brightened eyes, I�ll die before I ever inflict such things upon either of you. // Witnessing my walls as they fall: I think you make me the happiest I�ve ever known myself to be, content with myself, effervescent in my ways. I count second after second that you�re away, there�s a constant tightening in my chest when I think of you. I�m afraid of this, I truly am, I�m afraid of how much you could one day mean to me. I�m afraid that you�ll change your mind, and that I won�t be enough. Please let me be enough." The Line Cut by pandionna comment:   and what did I just tell you about laughter? (and this one comes with pictures) And I've never faked it, either. by pandionna comment:   Laughter is good medicine... what can I tell ya? all in the mind... by candoor comment:   You're sweet dear.. many hugs to you. Jack's Sickroom Mind by i-am-jack comment:   One of the reasons, that I isolate so much, and live in this constant state of computer generated fantasy, is that there is no mirror here.// There are no terrible truth bearing mirrors in your own mind. You see what you want to see. Even your own self examinations, are biased. You are who you say you are. And you are always right. Even those times that you are not right, you are justified. No one coddles you like you do.// It is all too easy to get lost in all of the wound licking, and self affections.// You become warm, and deluded. Comfortable and pitiful. Your dark sickroom mind, is warm and you are your own medicine. // You would never believe that you were making yourself sick.// But now that you think about it, maybe you just do not want to be "well" anymore. Sometime ago, you stopped believing in it, when you realized that you had the cure right here in your own hands. If you had never become sick in the first place, you never would have found this secret place inside of you. Now that you have found it, you know it exists, and it is better than anything else out there. I suppose that this is the great pay off for everything. A consolation prize to yourself, from yourself.// You feel more alive than you ever felt.// Felt.// The "better" things get, the more unhappy you seem to become. It is a confusing contradiction to wrap your mind around, if you can not admit somethings to yourself.// It is hard to say, that you were happier in worse times. // You had more, when you actually had less.// Invisible treasure, with no monetary value at all. The sort of paradise that you can only find through some sort of sacrafice and deprivation.// And that is the problem. This strange state of mind, does not fit into the "wellness template".// Yes, the template. // I can never find happiness in the template. Passing joy maybe, but not true happiness. Only having had the chance to live outside the template, did I realize this, and now the thought of going back is worse than ever.// Going through the motions of daily suffocation, kills me. // I will never forget coming home from another night at the factory, and crying on the steering wheel of my car, parked out in front of the house. Every single night, I did this. Came home and cried in the dark, hugging the steering wheel. // Because this was not what I wanted. // Because I was not happy with how my life had taken some turns and I could not take them back. // Because I never thought that this could happen to me.// Because I thought I was invincible, intelligent, blessed, and better than this.// Because somewhere in my mind, I thought that something special was reserved for me. That it was completely within my power to live the same dream that everyone else so desprately wants. Why did I ever think I was deserving, and in on some secret to happiness. That I just did not find yet. Somewhere within my unconventional thinking pattern, was the key to my freedom.// So I believed.// And so, I have taken to stealing what I can, for as long as I can get away with it. // Somewhere inside, I felt justified.// Somewhere inside, I still do.// Even though, its all ending again.// Even though, I am realizing what a horrible person I am. // I do feel guilt, and shame sometimes. It only makes me more angry. Pissed off because I just do not want to be what everyone wants me to be. Because somehow, I just can not stop being a loser and disgusting them all. I have become a bitter, self centered monster. Who am I to turn my nose up at almost all of creation? Just who the hell do I think I am? Who is this monster that has risen up inside of me? This loathing person who does not live. Who does not believe in beauty anymore. Nothing good could ever come from outside of his self perfected perception. Some people think that I need to suffer. Really suffer. However, it is suffering that started all of this in the first place. Jack Is A Victim Of Creative Packaging by i-am-jack comment:   Back when I lived at home, Antagonist Inferior would always insist that we bought him the eggs with the happy little Bible phrases printed inside the styrofoam carton.// Me, my sister and brother rolled our eyes. // His grocery list was an obsessive compulsive obstacle course to get through. And that was one of his little hang ups. He just had to have those holy eggs. // They were not blessed or anything, he just liked his scripture passages in the morning. It must have made that "low fat" 5 egg omlette, missing most of its yolks, taste that much better. // Ironically, I find myself liking the sour cream with the little feel good quotes printed on the foil seal. // "A new friend is just a smile away."// Oh isn't that just touching.// Last time's foil said something to effect of "Life is better with a sunny disposition."// How enlightening.// This is almost better than fortune cookies! Actually, it is not really. Everytime I pull off the plastic lid, I smirk at whatever happy message was included this time. Its a love hate thing.// I would actually be sad if those little words of dairy goodness disappeared one day.// Am I really this bored and pathetic? Yeah. You know its bad when your daily enlightenment comes off of the freshness seal of your sour cream. And you look forward to smirking about it.// I am a victim of creative packaging and delicious creamy taste. Those little words of wisdom have convinced me that this sour cream just tastes that much better.// But what I was really thinking, was that this would be a wonderful opportunity for Project Mayhem. "A new enemy is just a punch in the face away."// "Life is better with chronic depression."// "An STD is just an instinct away."// Yeah, I could go on and on.// Even better, // "This product has been tampered with and then resealed for your enjoyment." Jack's Sad Sense of Displacement by i-am-jack comment:   I think that my sister said it best, once you move out of your childhood home, you never feel at "home" again. // Which is strange because I am not uncomfortable, or unhappy here. It is a comfortable, peaceful place. Like I said, I get much enjoyment out of the clawfoot tub and the whistling radiators. This is the sort of place that reminds your subconscious mind of something and makes it smile. I have never liked new homes, they are just not very home like to me.// Lately, I have felt like I am just visiting here, I almost expect to go back home, sometime. I thought that I had settled in, but I guess I never truly did, if suddenly, I do not feel at home. My room does not feel like mine, and I miss my old room and old neighorhood, all over again. I think it is because, I moved into my roomate's home, and pawwed a niche. This place lacks my personal touch. It is almost the feeling of staying at a hotel,no matter how enjoyable or peaceful it is, it is not your home.// A strange thing, is, when go to my former home, it does not feel like "home" either, or even look like it for that matter. It is strangly foreign and less familiar than the houses of good friends even. I feel more at home visiting friends. When I am in the home of Antagonist Inferior, it is hard to even imagine that I had ever lived there. It has only been a few months, and I have become quite distant and vague to my childhood home. Perhaps I will never feel at home anywhere, again.// I am Jack's Sad Sense of Displacement Jack's Season of Social Obligation by i-am-jack comment:   My roomate read me a funny article online about a man who rented an underground army bunker and locked himself up for the holidays, just to hide from it all. She said that sounded like me. I laughed and she said "no, seriously." Maybe I'd Developed A Jones by i-am-jack comment:   "I said I felt like crap and not relaxed at all. I didn't get any kind of a buzz. Maybe I'd developed a jones. You can build up a tolerance to fighting, and maybe I needed to move on to something bigger."// Maybe you can develop a tolerance to writing too.// Lately, I can not say that this has been taking me anywhere.// Not the way it used to.// Something happened. Something changed. Something. Its always something. Yeah. I should be used to this by now. Everything changing, the moment you really start to settle into it. And maybe even like it. The rules are re-written every fucking day. // Everything changes.// Everything fucking falls apart.// And it makes me question the value of any of it. Everything is part of the same ever changing facade. // A facade, of which I have grown very sick of.// Anymore, the TV makes me fucking sick. I just do not want to hear it anymore. Somedays its enough to keep me upstairs, and away from a home cooked dinner. No thanks I will just eat up here tonight. Because I just do not want to hear it. Not tonight. // Fuck it. Just fuck it.// Some days the entire world makes me fucking sick.// And this, this used to be the place that I came to escape from it all. // This rapidly deteriorating place.// This place that is just not here for me the way it used to be. When you need a sanctuary from your sanctuary, it sort of defeats the entire point. // "This is better than real life."// Wrong.// This IS real life. The same real life that you are so desperately trying to escape from. Just because you can not see them, does not make them any less of a "person." They are the same flesh and blood mixture as all of those other people out there. The same ones that you are busy hiding out from. They are just as dangerous. Equally moody and changeable. Just like anyone else.// And you are just now, starting to realize this.// I guess I am just feeling tired lately. Tired of everything. Tired of feeling like I am the only one who really cares about anything. Give it enough time, and it always seems to end up that way. // I am tired of caring too much. Not caring enough. Of caring at all.// There is so much inside. So much that needs to be said. // And I can not talk.// And the bile, the acid eats away at me. Corroding my insides. These days you can not stick your finger far enough down your throat. If you do, you just panic and hope no one was listening. // Anything you say can and will be used against you. That sort of thing is on your mind alot.// You just are not the exhibitionist you used to be. Don't look at me. Still, you need to do this anyway. So you go through the motions. The canned monotone is depressing. Its so, strained. The words, the blood, they just do not flow freely anymore. And your excorcism is incomplete. If you can even call it that. You are holding back. Throwing a few weak fists and then just falling over onto your back. Fury welling uselessly inside of you. So fucking useless. You can't bleed. You can't cry. You can't write. You can't do anything. You just lay there, twitching. Restless. There is no escape. No release. The catharsis. The soul baring exhileration. It just does not come. It can not. // And there is no relief and no escape. Escape. Precious escape. I am dying without you. // Somehow I just can not get far enough away from it all. Far enough away from myself. Not like I used to. // You know its bad when you have taken up hiding from yourself. And when you hide behind that as the total cause of your hiding.// You are hiding from everyone else too.// From everything.// If I play dead long enough, it just might work. // If I do not find some source of release, I probably will end up that way soon enough. With That Invisible Gun To My Head by i-am-jack comment:   "The cue comes, share yourself."// "Share yourself completely."// Completely?// I think we have a problem here.// You open your mouth and nothing comes out.// Silence.// You slash your wrists only to find that your blood is feeling shy that day.// Nothing.// "Go ahead and cry if you have to."// I can't.// I do have to. But I just can not.// Suddenly, I can not cry with anyone watching. Not even me.// The blood. The tears. The words. They will not come. They just will not come.// You sit all the way in the back of your mind. In the corner. Looking at your feet. Picking at your name tag with the wrong name written on it. Maybe picking the sprinkles off the donuts when no one is looking. Smelling the burnt coffee. Listening. But not looking anyone in the eye. Just listening. Taking it all in.// No one can see you all the way back here and you wonder why you even came tonight. To this silly little support group, when you know damn well that you will not be able to talk. Not tonight. Not about anything important. About anything that really matters. About anything that is really bothering you. Not without sounding or feeling stupid anyway.// You are filling slowly with poison. // But the exorcism just is not happening. Not the way it used to.// "Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head."// And you smile your saccarin grin too.// Big and white and fake.// Just who am I trying to fool anyway?// Just what is it that I am trying to do?// You don't even know anymore. You are that lost.// "This is the only place I ever really relax and give up."// "This is my vacation."// And somehow, I am ruining my own vacation. So Marla, Get Out, by i-am-jack comment:   "So, Marla, how do you like them apples?"// "So, Marla, get out. Get out. Get out."// "Go ahead and cry if you have to."// I did. I cried for about 10 minutes the other day. It helps, it really does. // "Its easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die. On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero."// Human interaction is so temporary. Everyone is "single serving". Some just last longer than others. I am realizing this more and more all the time. It makes me wonder if I should even bother trying to come out of isolation. // I look at people, and wonder, "How long will you be a part of my life?" I have a tendancy not to bother with anyone that seems too short term. Like the people I work with at temp jobs. Temporary friends. Temporary life.// But what it comes down to, is that everyone is temporary. Myself included. It is something that I am going to have to learn to live with, whether or not I remain isolated. The Amazing Miracle of Death by i-am-jack comment:   "Marla lies down on her bed and undoes the tie on her bathrobe and says our culture has made death something wrong."// I suppose they sort of have. An almost unnatural affliction or tragedy to be feared. An injustice that waits to take everything you have, and everything you are, away.// This is the sort of day, that I am almost sure that I will die on, someday when I am old. When your will to live, is simply a flickering flame. Something more under your control. Uncontained by good health and a pre-programmed lifespan.// It is crisp and cold outside. A hollow sort of grey. There is something strangely lifeless and desolate in the air. Something that stirs the dead leaves at the pit of my soul. A morbid chill.// Someday, on a hollow day much like this one, when I am a hollow grey old man, I will let myself go. That last leaf will flitter to the ground, spinning, spiraling to the ground, then the wind will take it away, and it will be no more.// This is not the first time I have felt this. Its is hard to explain well. Inside, you just know things sometimes. And I have always been under a strange impression that I will die on a day like this one. Not now though. I do not become superstitous or afraid that I will die everytime it is a day like that. I just have the feeling that someday, at the right time, it will happen to be just this way outside. These days have a sad mortal quality to them.// "Look up at the stars and you're gone." by darkomen comment:   "The iron-thing stands and says: // Knows I your knowledge man-thing // Knows I your coldness // Knows I your emptiness // Knows I your laws man-thing // Knows I of you // Fears I your death // man-thing // And the flesh-thing stands" Ange by darkomen comment:   "Where is my life? // In the stars, the heavens? // In the world, the earth? // In life, in freedom? // No. // My life is in death // With my angel." Monolith by darkomen comment:   "A dragon lived in a cave on a hill above a village // Every day it shouted a challenge to the castle below // 'To the one who can answer my question, will go my hoard, enough to live a thousand lifetimes like a king' // The first to try was a young, strong knight, he rode to the cave, the dragon appeared and asked: // 'What can change the nature of a man?' // 'Riches' replied the knight, and never returned from the cave // 'What a foolish knight to think that riches can change the nature of a man' shouted the dragon to the village // The second to try was an older knight, thinking he was wise // 'What can change the nature of a man?' asked the dragon // 'nothing' replied the knight, and also did not return // What a foolish knight to thin that nothing can change the nature of a man. // The third to try was a very old knight, he was scarred and hardened from battle. // 'What can change the nature of a man?' asked the dragon // 'death' replied the knight, and also disappeared forever // The last to try was a young, beautiful girl, she rode to the cave on a white horse. // 'What can change the nature of a man?' asked the dragon // 'Love' replied the girl, and was correct // The girl never returned, as the dragon never cared for the answers of the people. // What a foolish girl to think that she could change the nature of a dragon. // The nature of a dragon never changes." Death by darkomen comment:   "A girl died last night. // Who will remember her? // Will she be forgotten? // The way she smiled, the way she laughed // The way she loved. // Not by me // I will live for her // Never forgetting // Never just another dead soldier" Mirror by darkomen comment:   "Are you afraid of the looking glass, that alice once stepped through? // Are you afraid of seeing yourself, afraid the reflection is true? // Are you afraid of what lies beyond, the world inside your mind? // Do you think that to cover the glass will allow you to hide? // What you fear is not behind the glass, not something you might find // What you fear is with you even now // What you fear is your own mind." Key by darkomen comment:   "A princess lived in a beautiful castle, surrounded by servants // She had a key which she used every morning to wind up her heart // One day, she was found cold and lifeless in her bed, the key missing // The king offered the princess's hand in marriage to whoever could find the key. // Many tried, but all failed, until one day a man came to the castle who claimed to be a Geomancer // He could hear the stories of the earth, make it tell him where the key was, he left to find the key. // He returned with an epic tale // He had slain dragons, ogres, minotaurs // He had navigated labyrinthes // He had negotiated with the Gods themselves // And he had found the key // He was a good king, and reigned long and well // He was also a master locksmith // No-one would ever find the first key // Because death had broken it." Self by darkomen comment:   "Do you know yourself? // I don't think you do. // I'm sure you've heard that we have two selves. // Left and right, parts of your mind. // Left handers get one, right handers get the other, yes? // Maybe it's true, I wouldn't know, I got both. // As a child I could write in mirror writing with my right hand, and never tell the difference. // When you look in a mirror, is that what you see looking back at you? // Your other self." Djinnia by darkomen comment:   "A man was sitting alone one day, at a crossroads, having forgotten where he was going, what he was doing and even who he was. // A woman appeared, a djinnia. // 'What is your third wish?' she asked. // 'How can I have a third wish when I have had no first or second?' // 'You have," she replied "but your second wish was for everything to be as it was before your first' // 'Then I wish to know who I am' // 'Funny..' she said, granting his wish, // 'That was your first wish'" Hypocrisy by darkomen comment:   "Why do people write like this? // Look on the directory. // You will find so many just the same. // What have I got to prove? // Nothing. // I am sharing what I see, so are you, I just see things differently.." Essence by darkomen comment:   "Life is precious // When it is torn, bleeding from your body." Faith by darkomen comment:   "She's right. // It is all just a dark fairy tale. // It makes no sense. // And there is no happy ending." Collapse by darkomen comment:   "A change is coming // And I am afraid. // Something will change the world // I don't know how. // You may read this and laugh // But a part of you is afraid too // I know." Honor by darkomen comment:   "I know things no-one has ever known // I understand things no-one ever will again // But this understanding will be gone // With this vessel for the soul // Even if this knowledge still remains // In the whispers in the wind // I am honor bound to protect it // And you may rely on my honor yet more than the sun rising in the morning." Judgement by darkomen comment:   "A 3 sided coin // And she's never going to speak to me again // Giving up is not an option." Omega by darkomen comment:   "...what is it? // what is it you're waiting for? // you're afraid, I know. // you won't talk to me..but I think you will, when you're ready. // you want to fight your own battles...I don't know why. // Giving up is not an option." Fade by darkomen comment:   "There is always a hero, and a human. // I can't be a hero any more." G'quan by darkomen comment:   "G'quan wrote: There is a greater darkness than the one we fight-- it is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. // The war we fight is not against powers and prinicipalities--it is against chaos and despair. // Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope -- the death of dreams -- against this peril we can never surrender. // The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. // No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us, we know only that it is always born ... in pain." Endure by darkomen comment:   "My dreams have been peaceful lately..though for a while I feared sleep. // To be eternally wakeful is to eternally endure. // Eternal sleep, to live in peace. // So I say endure // In enduring become wiser // Become stronger." Fallen by darkomen comment:   "Time has passed..yet I still remain no more than a fallen knight. A forgotten hero. // I do not care to be remembered, no more than a name on a memorial. I do not care for people to praise a dead idol. // I care to know that I made a difference. // That for all the wounds, // All the loss, // All the tears.. // All the blood, // There was one // Just one // That remembered." Glass by darkomen comment:   "Her tears turn to glass as they fall from her eyes. They split apart and cut deep scratches in her face. // I will take away her pain, as she once stole mine." Ethereal by darkomen comment:   "Part of me wants nothing more to do with that ethereal love I felt... // The part of me that follows order tells me to forget it ever happened.. // The part of me that follows passion tells me it was the best thing that ever happened." Power in Submission by darkomen comment:   "There are things I could say now which I will avoid saying. // Not through any need to protect those who might read..nor for self preservation. // To submerge your will is a power as much as a submission." Advice by darkomen comment:   "The words she told me: // "But I know you, you won't forget her, not ever, so don't try to forget and don't try to do anything else, just leave things as they are." Those words meant a lot to me // Remain elusive" Alone by darkomen comment:   "I feel alone now.. // The people that surrounded me until so recently are now so far away.. // Now there are only two." Idiot by darkomen comment:   "Okay so I screwed up // Monumentally. // A mistake anyone could have made really..but unforgivable all the same // So now one of the best friends I ever had is gone.. // I'm such an idiot" Passion by darkomen comment:   "I have a power that moves in a flood // That surges and pulses and beats in my blood // Action before thought // Passion" Powers by darkomen comment:   "Order, the calmer // Passion, his bride // One brings me to action // One fills me with peace // Together unending // Forever defending // The love that they hold" Strange and Beautiful by darkomen comment:   "If you see something strange and beautiful... // Don't touch it. // Something strange and beautiful is always something you don't understand // Don't look at it. // Something strange and beautiful..before long it will be a part of you." Voices by darkomen comment:   "Speaks we of you man-thing // Knows we of you // Knows we your pain man-thing // Laughs we of you // Knows we you love man-thing // Spites we of you // Jealous be of you // Knows we of you // Knows we of your death man-thing // Fears we of you. // And the creature of clay stands." Clay by darkomen comment:   "The clay-thing stands and says: // Knows I your filth man-thing // Knows I your mud // Knows I your greed, your empty ways // Knows I your death man-thing // Fears I of you. // And the iron-thing stands." Flesh Thing by darkomen comment:   "The flesh thing stands and says: // Knows I your flesh man-thing // Knows I your blood // Knows I your pain man-thing // Fears I your death // And finally, the man thing stands before them." Man Thing by darkomen comment:   "Finally the man thing stands before them all and says: // 'I fear nothing.' // And the others are dust." Window by darkomen comment:   "'Why did you bring me here?' // 'I wanted you to see it.' // 'That's not true is it?' // '.....no.' // 'I know why you brought me here you know.' // 'I'm sorry...' // 'It's...alright..you know I can't stay though.' // 'You don't have to.' // 'You shouldn't have brought me here.' // 'I know.' // 'Now I'll never leave.'" Our Dream by darkomen comment:   "'So what is this place?' // 'You already know.' // 'Do I? I don't understand' // 'Look around you, look at the sand.' // 'This is.....my dream?' // 'No..not quite.' // 'Then what is it?' // 'This is our dream.'" Home by darkomen comment:   "'Our dream? I don't understand..we created this place?' // 'No. We just define it.' // 'So when does it end?' // 'Whenever you want it to. Maybe never.' // 'Maybe not yet. So what happens now?' // 'Don't you remember? We go to the house, and you say whatever it is you have to say.' // 'And what's that?' // 'That depends on what you say. What happens next is up to you.'" Crossroads by darkomen comment:   "So there we sit in that house by the beach, looking out over the sea. The rain starts to fall. // 'So what do I say now?' // 'Whatever you want to. I'm not even sure it makes a difference.' // What she said then.. // I don't know. // It is faded as a dream. // That place is where things go to end." War by darkomen comment:   "'Look outside. There are more of them now.' // 'I know. I knew there would be.' // 'What do you mean?' // 'You being here. It upset the balance.' // 'So it won't stop?' // 'I don't know. We're not the only people to have been here you know.' // 'No?' // 'No.' // 'Tell me.'" Imbalance by darkomen comment:   "'People have fought for this place over the years' // 'And what happened to them?' // 'I don't know..it seems like they just...lost the will to fight' // 'So where did they go?' // 'I don't know..this place was empty when I came here..' // 'And this house?' // 'I...created it..but it won't last.' // 'Why not?' // 'Nothing lasts here.' // 'And what about them?' // They spread across the sand, faster and faster, pouring into the grass." Apples by darkomen comment:   "'They're not going to stop are they?' // 'I don't think so..' // 'So I'll have to leave.' // 'You don't have to do anything.' // 'But if I don't...' // 'I don't know.' // And every tree blossoms, every branch holding a red apple. // Slower now, they creep further and further." Eden by darkomen comment:   "Yes, we left that place.. // She left first, the faintest whisper on the wind, and I saw them stop where they were, and fade to nothing.. // Those tiny buildings, thousands now, nothing more than children's sand castles..relics of an age of innocence left behind. // I had thought things would be different for us, that we could stay there forever, carve our names into the tree of knowledge.. // I think we were close this time..maybe someday soon another two will come, and maybe they'll do what we couldn't. // One day it has to happen..knowledge always comes full circle. // Knowledge will bring us back one day // To this other Eden." Phrase by darkomen comment:   "I remember what we used to say: // 'That doesn't change anything.' // If only we'd known then.. // It changed us." Inner by darkomen comment:   "I sometimes wonder where the things I have done come from. / Things maybe some people would call great. / Inner strength, power, wisdom. / They come only when needed. / I am glad they are there." Revulsion by darkomen comment:   "Those teeth of revulsion grow ever stronger / Gnawing away at the world in my eyes / How can you live in a dream of heaven / When it is empty, and the ones you loved gone?" Lie by darkomen comment:   "Life carries on, / for once the truth is more pleasing than a lie, / though the truth is that I was lied to. / The folly of trust is always worth repeating" Defeat by darkomen comment:   "Where do I go from here? / Truly I have no choice / I cannot keep on fighting for someone who has given up." loss by darkomen comment:   "'Do not waste this gift' I remember you saying / I never forgot that / Have you lost what you had too?" Fall apart by darkomen comment:   "I saw you fall from your throne / And break the glass with crystal tears that tore scars into your face. / I saw you in the darkness with a blade waiting. / I saw him point the gun to his head. / I saw her find him...but by then you were both already dead. / I watched you fall apart." Bonds by darkomen comment:   "These bonds of destiny cannot be broken by you or I. / I am dragged in your perilous wake forever tied. / Why have you forgotten who you are? // You can't escape from it any more than I can. // Please stop running." Eternity by darkomen comment:   "In a heartbeat stretched to eternity / Infinity is mine / A breath of stars catches in my throat / Dying again / I was not meant for this." World by darkomen comment:   "Let us forget that we are both sick / And hold each other close / I'll pretend I don't feel the ash in your hair / You'll pretend you don't smell the smoke / And together we'll forget this poisoned world / A final breath of our false hope" Sleepers by darkomen comment:   "Restlessly you stir / Amid the lulling of our silent song / Children of the moon / Sleeping hand in hand / Never to awaken and love once more / Even as the song rises once more to its muted crescendo." Patience by darkomen comment:   "Years pass. / I grow older, but no wiser. / With a wound from every word you never said, / Waiting for you. // Fleeting hopes, / Numbing regrets, / Endless patience. // I grow wearier, but no better. / With a tear for every word you never said." Aleax by darkomen comment:   "This is not who you are // I know this / You know this // This is who you pretend to be / This is who you want to be // But this is not who you are" reflections by candoor comment:   this entry probably belongs here or here, but... // "I sing in the shower, as loudly as I please."// I did this for most of this life... I stopped during my homeless phase when I did not have a shower... I have not gotten back in the habit yet... roommates may have much to do with that, even though I know it shouldn't matter who's hearing/listening... it goes much deeper than that... // "I walk around the house in my pajamas and don't change unless I absolutely have to."// yes... and when I lived alone, I wore nothing...// "I play the games on the adds that show up on webpages (yes, the ones that barrage you with a million annoying pop-ups if you click anywhere on or around them). I can't help it.. they're the only games I can always win."// I don't have the computer power/space to keep security programs and scanner programs going on my computer and don't want to cookies and spyware and other crap some of those websites put on... but I am tempted... and probably would if I had a computer that could handle it... and the time...// "I like walking around my house in huge guy shirts.. and pretending they're not really mine."// I have huge guy shirts...// "I listen to love songs and sing them as if my lover can hear me (cause you never know, he just might be able to hear me.. whoever he might be)"// yes... so very yes...// "I drink orange juice as if it's air."// I used to, but switched to water... it's cheaper... and no carbs...// "I cry over books and music."// yes... and movies...// "I always laugh out loud, even if no one's around to hear me because I crave the sound of laughter."// yes...// "I love you."// yes... ditto... I love you.// I had no choice (in my mind, there was only this choice) but to copy this entry (that's what is in blue above) and respond to it here... it's also catching me in the right mood, for I don't feel compelled most of the time... she does it often... it was just too close in too many ways to not use as inspiration for an entry... especially since I do not do some of these things nearly as often as I used to (I last cried over a film the day before yesterday when watching It's A Wonderful Life for the gazillionth time... maybe it happens a few times a month these days)... I don't recall the last time I felt tears over a song or book... a book, maybe... but music... I left music behind (as I knew music) along with much of me when I put my heart to sleep (sigh)...// and laughter... it happens inside a lot, but not as much outside... laughter is more precious than tears for me and letting it out often diminishes the feeling unless someone is sharing it... the sound of my own solitary laughter is sometimes as sad as the sound of one hand clapping... but then, I do giggle and squeal outloud a lot... too much for most... and there's the sign (smiling) that the child inside is still alive and well and couldn't care less who might be listening or watching... yay...// everything written touched me as words I could call my own, but starting off with singing in the shower... that laid me out, rolled me over, and curled me up like a ball... I used to write things like a day without singing is a day without breathing... I don't breath these days... heck, I barely ever sigh... alas...// sheesh this is sad... that is good... when I get near these moments, when the stagnation rises to the surface consciousness and I face it, it's usually about time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again... and all that jazz... Puddle Jumping with My Inner Child by kilowatt comment:   Buy yourself a giant pad of paper and some pastels and schedule a time to draw, using your fingers to smudge the colors together. // Buy several cans of Play-Doh and keep them in your office. Create a new art form every week. // Take an afternoon off and go to the park. Play on the equipment you most enjoyed as a child. // Spend an hour in the woods noticing the height of the trees, the color of the grass, and the little pinecones, sticks and rocks that make for forest jewels. // Close the shades, put on your favorite dance music, and dance in your living room. // Get dirty. Go out and weed the yard, plant a tree, or simply play in the mud. // Visit a local toy store and spend some time picking out a favorite coloring book. Keep this book in your office and between your adult duties steal some time each day to color. // Spend an hour sitting on the grass looking for a four-leaf clover. // Buy a hula hoop and see if you can still swing. // Have a serious conversation with your dog. // Spend fifteen minutes mimicking your cat. // Get a temporary tattoo. // Gather together a group of friends for dinner and play musical chairs. // Get your face painted at a local fair or carnival.// Grab a friend, buy a watermelon, and have a contest to see how far you can spit the seeds. let' s get retarded by cutething comment:   i have a friend, a jazz musician.. trumpet player, really terrific. and i go and hear him jam every month or so, and he plays this piece i love, an old chet baker song. he blows the same notes every time, and every time it sounds so different. we had drinks one night... when i used to drink, and i tried to tell him how that song made me feel, how the music made me feel, how his playing made me feel. and he just kept shaking his head, and he said, ' joan, you can' t talk about music. talking about music is like dancing about architecture. ' and i just said, ' well, fine. gonna get all philosophical on me, it' s just as pointless as talking about a lot of things. love for instance. ' and my friend laughed, and he said, ' definitely. most definitely. talking about love is like dancing about architecture. ' so i don' t know. he might be right. but it ain' t gonna stop me from trying. Postcards by darkomen comment:   "A hundred tiny postcards / Larger than life / A thousand glowing colours / Too bright to be real / And just as many empty wishes / Underneath a stamp and seal // A hundred tiny postcards / I have brought to life / A thousand glowing colours / Of pictures I have made / And just as many empty wishes / I have written on the page." a long entry to say that i am going to colorado by papotheclown comment:   This may be kind of weird coming from someone you don't know very well and have never met, but.. I love you to death!! wonder why no one preaches on this verse by papotheclown comment:   Wow... This one... just has to be read...LOL God and i by papotheclown comment:   This is the first one I ever read like this.. that I can remember.. not only did I laugh hysterically.. but recommended it to other people. God said, i said by papotheclown comment:   the thing that makes you a great writer my dear.. is the fact that you can make one laugh.. and you can make one cry. like I did reading this. conversation by papotheclown comment:   I don't know how you do it.. but you articulate the struggles so well: it's good to make fun of ourselves, I think. dialogue with the divine pt.II by papotheclown comment:   I love the way you make me laugh like the like the deserts miss the rain (cheesy and perhaps abstract, but still absolutely true) another one of those God entries by papotheclown comment:   another one of those God entries you say?... another one that made me cry I reply. Solace by lostoblivion comment:   "We ended, slowly, like the passing of souls from a body, his love left, and mine was trapped inside of me. I was confronted with chance after chance to forget him, but I didn�t, I clung to the friendship, of all things, and to this day I believe he�s still trying to pry my fingers away. But that�s what I do, when I love people, I fight, and if fighting includes, begging, screaming, then I beg and scream. I�ve always wanted to be fought for, like my family, and everyone in my life never has. I�m romantic, in the oddest way, because in fighting to never let someone go, shows it�s love to me, and so I�m seen as just persistent. Well maybe, but I believe it�s much more than that. // Whitney and I had surpassed what I�d ever had physically with someone I loved, but we lost something when we gained the ability to meld our skins. I�m so drained, and in the words of Angelina Jolie from the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith, there�s a void that grows bigger with everything we don�t say, and sometimes I wonder if I�ll ever be able to fill it back up again and bring us back to what we used to be. // I like being untamable; it�s what incites the challenge that baits everyone. My inevitable dissatisfaction with what is easy. Is that so hard to take? Maybe the fact that I find life in the world at night, when the moon is high and all else sleeps peacefully, is what makes my world so shrouded in the covering of things that no one understand, because they would have to see the world I see in the dark. When they close their eyes to their lives, I open mine farther for an image of solace that escapes my mind in beautifully elusive silence. So here it is, I�m incapable of resting my soul when the sun ceases its shine upon the earth, the warmth leaving the ground dead and abandoned to what lies ahead of my eyes and my mind. // It�s always dramatic for me. It�s the way I am, and everyone has a forewarning to that, I tell them, they never believe me. I won�t change certain things that make me who I am for anyone. I�m dramatic, I love drama, I love that passion and fire that sears the emotions of others. If you can�t take the heat then get out of the kitchen? I�m fucking fireproof and I fall in love with kindling that goes up in flames. Where�s my match? Pun intended, thank you, but seriously, people want me to calm down, be mellow like them. Lighten up, no pun intended this time, well maybe a little, but yes, I wasn�t made to be calm, I�m fiery in my nature, I�m not submissive in my heart and that�s where I�d have to change, but I refuse, forever. // My grandfather and I argued over the fact that I wanted to talk on the phone with Alex until 11. He said it�s because I wasn�t taking school seriously. What the hell does that have to do with wanting to talk to my friends? So I need to make myself sleep at 10 is what he said. My temper flared, hotter than ever and I was afraid that the hate that seems to grow is a virus infected only inside the circle of my family. But taking my mind from all of those words that were written weeks ago I�m not putting my mind forth the vibrations of friends as they fill up their spaces with each other; the spaces that I can�t seem to fill for myself. Do I try to join them and have my misery turn me away or do I continue to listen, cut off again? // I�m in need to know that I�m accepted�wanted. ... I can�t take being an object. I�m alive, I breathe, I bleed and I do cry. Tears are always in my eyes, when I love, when I let someone snake their way beneath my abhorrence for weakening to dreams of what doesn�t exist. I�m pushed too far now, or perhaps�I just miss Whitney and his absence is killing more than I want to admit even to myself, and that alone scares me. How do I save myself from unknown pain?" Strangers by clarity25 comment:   Have you ever looked at a total stranger and wondered what their life was like? We see countless faces every day, most of the time we don't even really look at the people around us because we're in such a rush to get from one place to the next. We're in our own heads, always thinking about a current drama, something from work or our next course of action. // I was standing on line at the Deutchmarkt with my groceries. There was a girl in front of me. She and I looked to be around the same age, but that's where the simililarities ended. // She was wearing highheels, so she loomed over me. She was sporting a business suit jacket, gray slacks and a silk blouse. Her blond hair was pulled back in a perfect chigon and had highlights that were obviously professionally done on a weekly basis. She had rouge splashed over her cheekbones, dark red lipstick and mascara-laden eyes. Her expression was a mixture of boredom and utter seriousness. She placed 3 bottles of mountain spring water, 2 cans of gourmet tuna fish, a loaf of wheat bread and a box of angel hair pasta on the conveyor belt. Then she just stood there, while the cashier rang it up staring at an imaginary spot just over his head. // It's obvious she worked in an important office job. Perhaps she was a lawyer? accountant?. She probably had an immaculate flat and a boyfriend or husband that wore slacks and button-up silk shirts. I imagined her waking up in the morning to the meowing of her persian cat, with big windows over-looking the city in her bedroom. She probably was one of those people that made their bed perfectly every morning, and has a big make up cabinet with a glowing mirror, that you could turn from the magnifying side to the regular. She looked entirely self-confident and assured of herself. // When the cashier told her the amount of the order. (and not a minute earlier), she snapped open her expensive pocket book, pulling out a slim leather purse. Her money was lined up, crisp and straight. She handed him a bill and I looked at her long manicured nails coated in glistening red polish. // She put all the groceries neatly into a small blue cloth bag, stuck a newspaper underneath her arm and sauntered away. She had one of those hip-swaying walks and her heels clicked with each graceful step. // I looked down at myself, with my jeans, and shirt that had a logo of "SLINKY" from the 80's, my sneakers..my hair in two loose pigtails and my knit handbag..I self-consciously pushed the stray strands of hair behind my ears, and felt as though my face was bare without all that make-up. I rubbed absently at a small paint-stain I had just put on my pants earlier this morning.. ugh! I realized I'll never be that woman.. I envyed her and compared to her, I looked like a complete mess. My self-esteem plummeted. // The cashier, who was rather handsome and looked to be in his twenties, with dark hair falling over his face and light eyes rang up my food. (which was nothing like the food that girl before me had bought.. I don't even WANT to list off my items..) I pulled a 10 euro out of the back-pocket of my jeans and unfolded it, handing it to him. // He smiled "Do you have 10 cents?", He asked "than I can give you a Euro back" // "no..I don't have any loose change.." I muttered. // "Hey, where are you from?", He asked suddenly // "America..New york" // "Wow.."; he said (conversation shifted to English at this point) "So..How did you end up here in Germany?" // "Married a German", I said // "You're MARRIED?!", He exclaimed falling backwards in his chair. "Are you serious?" // I just smiled and bagged my food. // "You don't look married..How can you be MARRIED?!" // "Well I am..What's a married person supposed to look like?" // "I don't know..but not like you" // "hmm.." I responded with a laugh. "what..is there something wrong with me?" // He gave me the strangest look. He shook his head and laughed "you're beautiful.. actually..", he paused "I wanted to ask you out...I see you come in here alot and I was building up the nerve.." // (Wow!!) I was taken aback. I blushed. My mouth fell open and then I closed it. "Well.. I'm flattered" // "Why? you probably get that alot" // I rolled my eyes and shook my head. // "You seem so confident and self-assured", He said. // I froze and just stared at him. It was a truly surreal moment..How weird. // Suddenly an old lady behind me banged her fist on the conveyor belt and yelled in German that she didn't have all day!. The Cashier quickly started ringing up her items. // That's probably the longest conversation I ever had with a Cashier since arriving in Germany. (strangers rarely ever talk to eachother in this country, an actual conversation is rather unusual) It just goes to show you, that the way you see yourself isn't always the way others see you. I thought about that conversation while I walked back to the office and shook my head. // How strange.. // But I couldn't help smiling. The misperceptions we make about the strangers around us.. Perhaps that perfectly put-together woman actually worked as a bank teller, she hated her job and at night she wore grungy clothes and played guitar in a punk band. // Maybe deep inside she's secretly a bundle of insecurities..just like me. // who knows? abcs by crayon comment:   it's hard to explain.. so just read it. Concerning violence and true love. by frozen-vodka comment:   I think there is something to be learned from this. go-go-gadget cock...! by cutething comment:   "i want to come up with an absolutely absurd name for my girl parts. like choo choo honey bear or something just really out there and kind of warped. then like, scream it during intimate moments, like, "oh god, yes! yes! lick choo choo honey bear! harder! harder!" just to like, really fuck with the already fragile male psyche. ... that's really twisted." not much to say by fenixhunter comment:   I am so gonna get a big head, lol... but do what he says anyway!!! Raw, Splitting, Heartache by lostoblivion comment:   I'd say something else... but then I don't really need to. not today my good man, im feeling saucy by charlithegrl comment:   " ..and that my friend, is the reason why i was running around the house not doing my homework..." Diary-ASL Poetry by uzzih comment:   I like to read intelligent people's crap. it's the best crap there is. a thank you by fenixhunter comment:   warm people are becoming a rare commodity. I am blessed to have found so many. silence is golden? by papotheclown comment:   "silence is not golden, it is merely a mine where gold is hidden." I don't want to admit it to myself by chadin comment:   "I just wish sometimes I can do things as simple as that...breathe...and exhale..." dialogue with the divine by papotheclown comment:   I think you should write more of these... if you published them.. I would buy two. (and maybe more). WOO HOO... and stuff by fenixhunter comment:   a rare breed indeed to so easily make me smile so big. thank you as well. Message to the world. (Specifically you.) by girls-suck comment:   yep. and. so do guys. burn laster by bilgedasto comment:   constant introspection into my enervated life leaves me sodden and aching. most days i can hardly summon the energy or desire to display my insides. i force myself to write because the temperamental clutter needs recycling. when my head gets clouded and heavy by a particular feeling, i try to extricate and fortify it. if i can capture the sentiment perfectly, the inner turmoil subsides, and i can refrain from over-analyzing until i suffocate. most days i cannot find the words to describe how i am feeling. on a clear day, i can almost make out the words. those are the good days. Soul of a blue rose by afmp comment:   wasn't written for me...but she is in it. tell him by spit-tears comment:   Again....she is singing my soul in such beautiful words is anyone listening? by fenixhunter comment:   It's just those first two paragraphs... All Over you.- another song by ME by spit-tears comment:   .......I have liked what I read here from the first....but this has given me a new apreciation for you.......

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