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I tried to sign your comments at blogspot, but it required that I set up a new membership, and I wasn't ready to commit. I'll copy what I said, in the hopes that I can reach you here...: "This is crazy, but you kind of stopped writing around the same time as the London bombings, but I haven't been following the news enough, and I don't know your actual, physical location enough, to know whether you might actually have been harmed. I know the odds are horrendously against you being involved at all, but I keep checking back anyway, to see if you're still there. This is The Magus, by the way, and I'm not in a particularly good place right now, but you can still read me at the old haunt. I also update at livejournal, under the name "silentmarc". Thanks for the birthday wishes: bad rugby jokes are better than no rugby jokes, or even good rugby jokes (does such a thing exist?)."

from solitus :

acid indigestion? :)

from mammas-pills :

please let me know how to keep in touch with you. I think you are a very special person, and I wish we weren't separated by a giant pond, 'cause I'm sure we'd be fast friends. Please take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing. I wish you happiness. Jason

from solitus :

:< I wish happiness and good fortune for you. Please let me know where to find you!! Hugs!

from solitus :

That is one helluva lamp!! Visual speed, I'd go so far to say... I like the idea! I'm looking into getting one for this household :) **Mweuh**

from mammas-pills :

Work...hmmmm well, I'm a cog. It's not so bad...it's temp work. The pay per hour is not bad, but I only get about 4 hours per week. I'm getting by. Things will be better in the spring, I always feel better when the trees get their leaves. Hope you are well, thanks for asking about me. Take care, J.

from the-magus :

We've just had a week of spring-like weather (with more on the way), so maybe that's why your comments about appreciating the small things remind me so much of that season. The days are getting longer again, so it's appropriate that we start seeing daylight in other aspects of our lives. Also, I think the largest part of how good therapy is supposed to work has little to do with whether it makes you feel good or bad, but whether it helps you to see things clearly. It sounds like your new therapist might have a good eye for that, which is great. Seeing clearly isn't the easiest thing to do, but I think you and I both are the sort of person who would rather -know- something, as it is and with no delusions no matter how awful, than to be blissfully ignorant.

from the-magus :

I'm happy for you and your temporary reprieve...enjoy it. I just found out that, in addition to finally getting a job, I also got approved for Employment Insurance from the government. I have to cancel immediately ('cause I'm employed! Woo!), but it means that I'll be able to pay rent now, instead of waiting for my first paycheque. (I'm rambling now...) Pookie's run into some money, an unemployed friend of mine is up to his third interview for a great job where they've narrowed it down to one of four people, and mommaspills says he has a small job...it's kind of nice when good news happens to a bunch of people at once. It's nice to share in good fortune...

from the-magus :

Days off are -essential- so I'm glad you got to enjoy yours. I'm exhausted, so I'm keeping this short, but you're in my thoughts.

from mammas-pills :

I, also, am broke and without smoke..of all varieties. Now I get to be manic...oh, the cleaning I shall do. Take care, Jason

from the-magus :

Thanks. Oddly, I felt a little bit better after writing it. I think, emotionally, I've been employing something of a dolphin strategy: I'm only letting myself deal with how I'm feeling when I know I can come up for air, ie, there's absolutely nothing else I can do to improve my situation at this moment, so I might as well sit back and put my feet up while waiting for the next crisis. It is the weekend, and so the job hunting and the government-heckling has to wait, so today and tomorrow I can let myself fret and moan and even enjoy any good stuff (like weather: we'll always have weather. Though you're in England and your weather comes in fewer varieties, or so I'm told. Still, I like fog and dank when it comes to atmosphere (reminds me of Halifax, NS) we don't get much fog here in Toronto, I'm rambling.)that comes my way. I'm so beyond wondering if I'm dealing with my stuff in a healthy way. When I have a job again, I'll invest in some sort of head shrinker, maybe.

from the-magus :

I quit smoking three years ago and it remains the hardest thing I've ever done, even though I'd only been a smoker for four or five years. It can be done, and it should be done, but I don't envy you the task. My understanding is that everyone needs to quit in their own way if they want any chance of success, so you need to do it when the time is right for you. Good luck, if and when the time comes.

from the-magus :

*grin* I'm old hat at adjusting to seasonal fluctuations. I was talking about the "old days", and I assumed that women were just as useful as men back when there was so much work to be done just to eat a meal. Today, no. Today there are no jobs to be had by walking up to someone's door.

from the-magus :

I've been fantasizing about the old days, if they ever existed, where an able-bodied guy with a good work ethic could walk up to a farm, offer to work, and be employed on the spot. Presumably, an able-bodied woman could walk up to a farm and find work, too. Does that still happen?

from the-magus :

Ah, the good ol' "slobbering alcoholically" pick-up lines. That's where I'm at -exactly-. It appears that the only time I can tell when someone is interested in me is when I'm not interested in them, which really isn't the most efficient way to go about things... Thanks for the New Year's email, by the way. I hope the best for you this year (well, I hope the best for everyone, every year, but you and this year especially).

from mammas-pills :

You have a knack of saying what I'm feeling. You're 'shit happens' idea. So true. I do a pretty good job of not taking it personally. I don't have such a huge ego to think the universe is out to get me...just baby Jesus. Just kidding. It's my humor and lack of ability to keep both feet in reality that keeps me alive...and laughing...even when I'm standing in a big pile of shit. Take care, as always, Jason

from the-magus :

Sorry to hear about the house. I hope things work out, and you're definitely in my thoughts as 2004 comes to an end. I'm firmly convinced that things will get better next year.

from mammas-pills :

I just wanted to wish you much luck in the coming new year. I also wish you much happiness. You and I seem to have a lot in common. It's hard to believe people can be invisible to themselves, huh? I'm sorry I haven't written more to you, and I wish we knew each other better. It's not from lack of want I don't keep in touch...but I just can't seem to follow through on things I want to do. Anyone order a cup of self-defeat? ;) What was that line from Magnolia..."I've got a lot of love to give, I just don't know where to put it." Take care, let's make this year count...cause honestly, the one were doing now...can't say I will remember it much.

from caresses :

Feeling much better today. I am going away today to celebrate Xmas together with my mother and sister and brother in Gothenburg. Just want to wish you a merry X-mas!

from concreteslip :

you're terrifically smart.

from caresses :

Good morning, sweet you. Of course you are right. There have always been conflicts of one kind or another in this world since the beginning of man, and it is not a good resaon to blame my opinions on that. However, I think I am lacking faith. I�m not religious at all, I don�t believe there is a God that rules our lives and it is really hard for me to see the purpose of us living on this earth. Maybe life has no purpose but living life itself. It is the journey that is interesting, not the place where you go. I hope everything is allright with you. Glad I met you here!

from caresses :

Hi Cherry! You are sweet writing such a nice note to me. Don�t you worry about me. It is enough for one person , me, to worry about my problems. The future will tell and life is still wonderful.

from caresses :

You wriote a very good diary!!!

from mammas-pills :

Hi. I'm hobbible at posting...but I did today, and I noticed that my diary page has a username password, Im guess because the guy who 'designed' my page has the images saved at his name. Does that make sense? I know you are pretty good with puters, right? Could you help? Take care...

from the-magus :

That "You are entitled to a lot of nothing" letter is hilarious, in a rather gloomy way.

from the-magus :

Who cares what you used to be? Who are you -now-. You know at least some of your strengths as a person, so just keep those in mind when you walk out in public. If people are thing "Who the heck is she?", think back at them "I'm a professional, capable expert in my field with years of experience who can guarantee an excellent job with a minimum of drama." The people who remember you from way back when don't know you: to them, you're effectively a stranger. You have a chance to make a second first impression. Of course, I could be completely wrong, on account of my rosy view of the universe. :)

from the-magus :

I love those recipes. It never even occured to me that non-drinkers can still have drinks. I'd be too afraid to ask for some of those things in a bar(tomato juice is a good idea, though...Hm...), but I typically don't like pop/soda, but now I end up drinking it all the time.

from solitus :

Aye- you're a lovely girl to split the cost of dinner! Please, spread the word that this is acceptable behavior and maybe the rumor will make its way to the Bible Belt, into the ears of my fellow females... :) But yes, some of the women in these swap groups I was or am a member of are seriously one step away from panhandling... It's embarrassing but it really doesn't happen often but when it does it burns my booty...

from gonoreahh :

No it isn't what you think...

from the-magus :

It's not actually "coach", more like "guy who schedules when the practices are and lets everyone know". The old guy, from what I could tell, just sent out a reminder and a weather report when practice day came. Still, it means I'm on the executive board - after less than 2 months! I was turned down for every promotion at my job for over three years.

from mammas-pills :

Sorry, I haven't 'noted' in awhile...I've got horrible inertia...the stay at rest kind. I'm feeling a bit more energetic with the family staying with me, but it's that "showy" kind of energy. If only I could call on it on a daily basis just to get some shit done, or crack a smile. Glad to see you are feeling a bit better. I'm still unemployed, but not from lack of trying...I keep saying when I get a job I'll feel better...but then I used to say, "When I quit this job I'll feel better." Crazy me trying to change my emotions by arranging stuff in the "real world." Look at me...rambling. Anyway, just wanted to say "hi" and that I've been thinking about you. Not in psycho terms, just hoping your are well. You've had some really good entries, by the way, I went back and read a bunch today. We're a lot a like in that we are trying desperately to put the puzzle together. Well, before I write a book here, I need to get cleaned up and head to Hospital to visit me mum. Take care. Jason

from the-magus :

Please excuse the parentheses and the typo (professors). The lamp had me really excited for you.

from the-magus :

KEEP THAT LAMP! I have no personal experience with SAD lamps (though I strongly suspect I have mild SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as well as (...this is the saddest note ever...) SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder)), but when I was a neuroscience major more than one proffessor mentioned their benefits, and a few people I've met since have confirmed that those things are a godsend for a lot of people with SAD. Chances are, you'll still have days when you're down and out, but if that lamp can give you a day or two of extra brightness, hold on to it with all you've got.

from the-magus :

I've never really given much thought to the fact that my parents' generation were the first recipients of a whole new world view. I mean, I -knew- they were, but I never really considered what the effect of free education, health, freedom to be more different than before, being the first to live in a world that really -was- at their fingertips through TV radio and now the computer....I'm sure it's not the first time (and assuredly won't be the last) that one generation gives to its progeny a gift larger and more surprising than expected. I wonder what parenting was like in the first days of agriculture?

from the-magus :

Ugh. You and me both. I couldn't sleep last night either, for the 3rd night in a row. I'm sure it's mostly nerves (and partly cat), but it would be nice if the nerves would work -for- me. What kind of a survival instinct is it for me to freeze up anytime I'm worried about the future? Yeesh. And I'm close to the point of having to choose between food and editing books. Meh. Good luck with your day. :)

from the-magus :

We DO deserve clean environments for living! ...I just wish we also deserved a maid. Also, your fish humour made me crack a smile. If there's a bad silt-feeder joke out there, I haven't heard it.

from the-magus :

Got the email, and both guestbook signings. Thanks a lot for both. I'm sure you must know by now what book gift certificates do to me (mainly they turn me into a grateful pile of sweet-smelling goo)...though I'm sure I wasn't the 1000th visitor, because I was 1003 when I checked after you wrote that entry. Thankee anyway. Also, it looks like my money transfer was successful, so I'll be transfering some funds over to you as soon as I get home from work. Not much, but I hope it helps keep food in your cupboard, if not a roof over your head.

from solitus :

You're sweet like pumpkin pie. Didya know that? Thanks so much for being so damn sweet :)

from the-magus :

I think you seem cool, yet deep, too. Also, I'm sure that you -still- have a high IQ, and judging from your notes and the 1000+ hits, you're not doing too badly on the popular front, either. I'm going to bet that you're still pretty (it's been my experience that attractive people tend to be a decade or so behind their own good looks: you're able to admit being pretty as a teenager, now. In twenty years you'll have a good idea of how attractive you are today. :) ) Also, you happen to have what I consider to be the most important traits of all: kindness, compassion, and strength (which you have in spades, even if it's difficult to rally your strength sometimes). Thanks very much for your support lately, and for the small kindnesses that you've passed on since finding my diaryland diary. Apparently I'm in the mood to gush.

from squirrelx :

Thank you for your kind words. I feel very honored to be praised by someone whose own site is so verbally and visually compellin'.

from cherryaa :

Wow. That's a totally unique compliment!

from compclass :

Hey, you seem,cool yet deep. W/B

from the-magus :

I wrote you an email from my "professional" address, but I'm not sure if it got sent (I'm wary of the server at the moment). Let me know if you don't get it by, say, tomorrow...

from the-magus :

It sucks when plans don't work....for some reason the idea that "if you work hard and plan things right, you will succeed" is one of the hardest myths to dismiss. The reality is "If you work hard and plan things right, you have a slightly better chance of succeeding, but really, anything can, and does, happen." The positive side to that, though, is that good things can happen unexpectedly, too...I'd say you're marvellously overdue. :) I've got a few more things to say, but I'm going to do it via email....

from mammas-pills :

ABB = Anybody But Bush. I wouldn't say ANYBODY...but I'll agree I don't care much for Bush.

from mammas-pills :

He is quite snarky...and we do see the world through totally different eyes, but I know it's important to realize that our world is defined by perspective and personal history. Notice, I said OUR, because the real world, the one we are viewing...just is...void of the ego-bullshit. Maybe, if I strive to hear many different perspectives, I'll find a golden thread that connects us. Maybe it will be "god", or at the very least some bread crumbs he/she left. The main reason I wanted to leave a note, however...I just read your note you left, and realized I was quite glad to have stumbled across your diary. Blessed even. Take care. Jason

from spritopias :

You can add me if you want, but be warned: I talk a great deal and tend to be politically conservative, religiously liberal and snarky

from solitus :

Hmmm...Perhaps the best way to describe metros are... Yuppies? Yeah- yuppies, a la American Psycho (the movie). :)

from the-magus :

If I had to venture a guess, I'd say your mom was dumped because she was dating a dick, regardless of his new girlfriend's weight, age, looks, major in her school, etc. My dad was pretty hard on me for my weight...not to be intentionally malicious, and not as persistently as some people's parents...but it still stings, and it's tough to get those words out of my head (his nickname for me as a kid was "grosse badene" (it's french, and I don't know the spelling. Speaking of which, I -did- know avant garde, and am ashamed that I made that mistake. Sigh), which translates as "big belly" or something. Fitness is important, but some people take it out of proportion. Okay, no more lengthy preachy notes from me!

from the-magus :

I think you are a better person, too. I've only "known" you on your road to recovery, not before, but you write like a fairly stable individual who usually has a grasp on her life. I mean, really, you and I are pretty much at the last really hard stages, I think, the part where we have to learn how to manage all the details of our lives in a way that works for the long-term. I think you've been doing that. I hope that things change so that you can afford therapy again, because it is a very good tool, but I'm not worried that you'll come through with or without it.

from mammas-pills :

Hope all is well with you. Take care, Jason.

from the-magus :

Yeah, I'm a self-talker and self-singer who not-so-cleverly disguises it behind pet-ownership. Even before I had the cats, I'd be talking as soon as I got in the door with a "Honey, I'm home!" which would then devolve into muttering about what to make for dinner or whatever. It hasn't helped me much with social interraction, though (or maybe it has and I'm worse off than I thought! :) ).

from the-magus :

Amen, re the bosses.

from mammas-pills :

I loved the entry on bosses. You're my new best friend...not really, of course, silly. That would be odd, now wouldn't it?

from mammas-pills :

Despite it all...sounds like you had a marvelous time. Good for you...Now, I need to take a holiday. Ahhhh Spain would be nice ;)

from mammas-pills :

Hang in there...don't want to pump you full of "it'll be okays..." cuz they tend to annoy me when people do that to me, but you know what...we all make fools of ourselves, hell I'm the King of Fools. Take care, and drop me a note sometime...Jason aka Mammas-pills

from the-magus :

Just sending you a bit of a hug...sounds like you had a lousy night.

from mammas-pills :

I understand completly...that fear thing. I am so good at analyzing other people's problems, and even my own in fact, but I can't change my patterns. It's really hard to convince a large boulder rolling down a hill that it would be much better off rolling a different direction...usually uphill. When you find out the answer, let me know. Take care. J.

from mammas-pills :

Thanks for stopping by my lil 'ol diary and saying the stuff you did...stop by anytime...hope you don't mind if I do the same...but with you diary...stopping by my own would just be silly, now wouldn't it! :) Take care, J.

from the-magus :

In continuation of my tagboard note...I don't get suicidal very often, and usually it's just quick thoughts ("I should just shoot myself.") and weak impulses, and that's where I was at this morning...I don't even consider them suicidal, because I wouldn't act on them and I'm not really wholly serious about them. Still, not fun. On a brighter note, I checked out your webpage and thought it was nifty. If I can ever scrape up the cash, I just might buy a few cards or something from ya. :) I had one more thing to say, but I forget it. Probably something about the wolves at the door, as I understand that situation quite well.

from solitus :

Alter Ego- that has to be one of the most strikingly brilliant entries I ever read. Bravissimo!!!! Do it again! (*you've made me your biggest fan*)

from cherryaa :

heh, I'm leaving a note for myself - in case pesogrande ever gets over his/her headache & pops back. Mate, how come you're such a big secret? Anywahay, thanks for the note and - sorry about the optics ;)

from pesogrande :

Fuck, that banner add gives me a headache. Maybe it will appear when I'm sober. Then, I'll already have the headache, and I won't bother you. So................

from the-magus :

Alas, I have no advice to give...I'm a failure at most forms of moderation, and I am also not doing as well as I thought in the "responsibilities" department, either, since I, apparently, forgot to pay my cable and phone bills last month. I thought I was caught up, but I was wrong. Whichever path you end up finding/choosing, I'm still somewhere in Canada cheering you on. :)

from the-magus :

Well, right now they're only sticky-out-y when I'm lifting something really heavy...I think I'd have to be a lot more serious about my diet and fitness in general before I'd have sticky-out-y veins all the time. Frankly, I like being lazy too much. But...while I don't necessarily want to have veins sticking out everywhere, I do find one set of veins on the forearms and biceps to be kind of hot...

from solitus :

Best of luck and give 'em Hell!

from the-magus :

Good luck with facing your dad...it's amazing how much power our past has, and how difficult it can be to face it. The radio has been talking about a documentary on girls and bullying, and even though I'm not a girl, I listen to the clips of young girls who are being bullied and my junior high experiences just come rushing back. It throws me every time...and I keep thinking I'm over it. :) In regards to physical form...I've been getting in shape for the last year or so, and made some drastic changes to my body in the last few months, but one of the things that I've started to notice, and even rejoice in, is that I have an immense freedom in how I look: I can change my appearance with just a little bit of judicious effort. I can be anywhere from a slender muscle-y guy to a large, bear-type fella and anything in between...it's not just the weight, but also the hair cut, the attitude, the face I project...and they're all me. I can see myself, sometime in the future, being happy in a body that isn't quite as healthy as I am now. As I get older, it may take more effort to get in shape, but it's something that I'll always have...we all have these beautiful bodies that are never the same, that are always changing and are always changeable. Hm. :)

from the-magus :

Thanks for the nice words. Incidently, you and my ex could probably be seperated at birth, right down to the frustration at small mistakes (if he loses something, even if it's temporarily misplaced, it calls into question his whole self-worth. He takes it as a sign that he's still fucked up and can't do anything right). So, you aren't the only one on that path...or at least, there are others on it with you. And, minor nit to pick, but you -are- special, just not because of your problems. :)

from the-magus :

I just wanted to drop a note because a lot of what you've said in the last week or two has resonated with me, but because of this wretched cold, I haven't been able to write a decent response. Once I'm better I'll be more wordy. :) Enjoy the butter tarts!

from faith-filled :

I am a banner follower who has returned! You are still my new favorite! No one has ever described a depressive's bad day like that! Yes! I'm not the only crazy one who argues with myself about whether or not to feel bad!

from the-magus :

I'm a little trepidatious about this, but that's more because I'm afraid of my own options at this point. But, if your drinking becomes a problem, according to some other of the sites I've read, it's not like you're erasing all the hard work you've done...when/if you decide to stop drinking again, you'll get to this point of recovery much more quickly, I think. And it's silly, feeling like a couple of drinks are on par with, say, a few giant, slavering monsters or man-eating sharks...just be careful and be good to yourself, okay? :)

from the-magus :

So it's true! There's a whole world out there without butter tarts! That simultaneously delights and depresses me. Speaking of depression, I got a chuckle of recognition at your getting annoyed with yourself for getting annoyed with yourself. Happens all the time.

from the-magus :

Darn it! I want to see your banner! Anyway, happy Good Friday to you, too. It's sunny over here in Toronto as well, so we can enjoy our wonderful weather together. :)

from faith-filled :

I'm also a duty bound banner follower. You are my new favorite!

from promise-made :

i saw your banner & decided that i love you ♥

from eventhewind :

your banner made my head spin (but then, so does recovery, so I think that was realistic) - I'm still glad I clicked it. there is so much sickness to be found at diaryland. it's always a comfort to find someone intent on getting better. take care!

from moviegrrl :

Caught you through your banner, I'm hoping to stick around and read more, but it's hard as my usband who I love to peices ia an alcoholic, but not yet recovering... For him it's still in the cutting down into manageable stages, and lord it's hard for us all. Anyway, HUGS just for the damn sake of it xxx

from chesire-katt :

Came here via a banner. I like your layout! The Family Guy is great! :) I might return soon, 'katt

from the-magus :

I do write my own! The plan is to become an editor so that I can support my writing habi-...er, career. If I'm sitting at a desk with words all around me and a keyboard in front of me and no hassles from "The Boss", I'll be a much happier little novelist. :)

from the-magus :

I feel the same way...how even going to pay a bill fills me with dread, and I'm always afraid or worried or something that I'll give them money and something awful will happen. I'm not sure if this has to do with my anxiety with other people, but what I've been trying to do is to pay attention to how I feel -after- completing something...just reminding myself that I may feel like shit before I do it, but afterwards I won't have that impending shadow of doom hovering over me. About half the stuff I have to do is done, so I'm not sure if that's progress. At least the phone and cable aren't going to get cut off because I drank the bill payments. I also -swear- I'll have Chapter 2 done for you by the end of the week. :)

from lovelyleo :

I relapsed after 4 months ewwww!!!!!

from the-magus :

Aren't crushes neat? Also, Clean2202 is a great re-read...Sometimes when I just feel like this sobriety thing is -dragging-, an entry can change the whole mood around.

from clean2202 :

Cherry, congratulations on your six months. Can you believe it? Clean2202

from the-magus :

Reading your last two entries has been really uplifting. I'm excited -for- you, I think. It's like you're having a 6-month birthday party or something. I know exactly what you mean about being curious/excited about what's going to happen...some mornings I wake up and wonder if I'll be meeting any exciting characters today, or even if I'll be struck by something suddenly beautiful. The odd thing is, waiting for and expecting those moments helps make me more receptive to them - I feel a little like I did when I was a happy kid (which I was - my first memory is of running toward a swingset and frightening a swarm? Flock? Tribe? of butterflies that had been sunning themselves so that they all flew up and around me...not a bad first memory, eh?)...it's weird how much Wonder has become a part of my day-to-day life. I also realized, while reading your entries and writing mine, how schizoid we must seem: one day we're experiencing the highs of fighting substance abuse, the next, we're wallowing in the lows. :) I like the high points, a lot.

from lovelyleo :

Hey I just found your diary through clean's. Im 112 days sober and am also a member of alcoholics annonymous.

from the-magus :

You let your -MOM- read your diary? Brave. :) Anyway, when I'm a multimillionaire, I'll absolutely help out with the free clinic...perhaps I'll start a sister-rehab centre here in Canada. We'll cure the world!!! I haven't done the rehab thing, and I guess that makes me lucky, but I expect that dealing with your emotions is a lot like dealing with weightloss/gain or any other behaviour-related stuff...when you've spent years and years avoiding and manipulating your emotions, it would likely take years and years to untangle everything. I know it can be daunting, but being even a little bit untangled means that you'll be able to deal with life's little crises just a little better. And, honestly? If I could somehow find a way to get 12 hours of sleep and nap in the afternoon and somehow pay my bills, I would leap at the chance. :) I like napping. :)

from the-magus :

Thanks for expounding on my entry...and also, thanks for reminding me about my first "public" drinking experience (I first got drunk by stealing alcohol from my dad whenever I spent the weekend with him) when, on New Year's Eve when I was 15 or 16, three friends and I got drunk. I had the most to drink, but it was "only" five extra-tall cans of the strongest domestic beer we could find...still, the guys who stopped at three or four beer were clearly much more drunk than I was...one was even puking. I had always, until reading your entry just now, assumed that they had unusually low tolerances (because, "Five beers are nothing!"), but maybe it was just my nascent problem. Which, in a bizarre way, is really reassuring. I've been careful to avoid the words "addict" when referring to myself. That's something that I'm not sure I'm able to consciously face right now, and so whenever I'm faced with one of those "are you an addict" questionnaires, I always look for proof that I'm just a "problem drinker". But if I was potentially an addict, even before I ever took a drink, if it is something that I never had any control over, then that sort of means that it's not my fault. I may have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'm not an addict just because of a mistake I made...I don't need to blame myself for that. I'm articulating all of this for the first time, so please forgive the rambling and stuff...and thanks for giving me this chance to fill your notebook with way too many words!

from the-magus :

It must be the full(ish?) moon or something, because I had meant to write yet another entry about not drinking and looking back at the last 4 months, and then I see that both you and Clean2202 have beat me to the punch. I had a weak moment last night (an abundance of free shots, plus an open bar, to celebrate a co-worker's moving on to better and brighter things), but stayed "strong"...mainly for the same reason as you: because if I falter, I'm pretty much back to day one, and all of the reasons why I gave up drinking in the first place are still there, waiting for me. Hang in there...I'm sure that this sobriety thing gets easier. Finally, as mushy-headed as you may feel sometimes, your entries never come through that way: you're pretty darn articulate and intelligent in your writing.

from the-magus :

I think you're right about the depressive/addict differences...which is interesting because there really isn't much information out there for either addicts OR depressed people, which means that there's almost nothing out there for the few folks who are -both-. The group setting doesn't really appeal to me, either, in part because I know that going to a group would make me worry about a whole set of different problems (ie my social anxieties), which would just be uncomfortable, bad, and might even trigger a depression for me, which would be the kiss of death for any progress I've made on the not drinking front. Of course, then I spend the whole time worried that I'm "doing it wrong!" :) Sometimes, I really start to suspect that all maturity is is learning how to juggle our idiosyncracies.

from the-magus :

I know you're feeling better, but I figure you should know that, since reading your diary has provided me with some enjoyment as well as some stuff to think about myself, you aren't (in my opinion) useless at all. I think it's impossible to measure how much/little a person contributes to another's life, but I do know that if your journal wasn't there, my life would be poorer. It's too bad to hear about your friend, but I agree that we all trip up. I read somewhere that it takes, on average, 6 tries to quit smoking, and I expect drinking is like that, too. I know that I "quit" drinking for various lengths of time before this one, and that if I fail this time, I'll try again. The risky part will be in what sort of damage I do to myself and others when/if I stumble. But, right now, I'm feelin' strong. :)

from the-magus :

I don't think I've mentioned this, and it's completely unrelated to your latest entries, but I wanted to say that I am a HUGE fan of The Family Guy (sometime in the next couple of months, I'm probably going to buy the season 1 DVDs), and so, therefore, I love your d-land template. Also, thanks for the kind words (when I wrote that last note, I hadn't read your diary with the "Thanks Magus" entry yet, so I didn't get a chance to say "Your welcome" or "Aw shucks" (which is a more likely thing for me to say)). Now, I shall read your entries. :)

from the-magus :

I'm too poor to order takeaway! Actually, my ex came through with the cash he owed me, so the Pizza option was sounding mighty tasty yesterday, but instead I did the smart thing and bought some groceries. Doing the smart thing sucks sometimes. And, re the maturity in writing and stuff, I can't comment on my journalling (mainly because I read some stuff and cringe), but I think the maturity that's lacking is more in my fiction than anywhere else. Part of the problem, I guess, is that in journalling, I'm already writing about a fully real human being who I know and understand fairly well (if not always consistently), whereas in fiction, I have a whole gallery of made-up people who I'm discovering as I write, and I don't know if I've had enough different experiences to be able to create fully 3 dimensional beings (and places, and events, too, I guess). However, I've been trudging along with the re-reading and I've found some passages that are pretty good and which have renewed my faith that I can write and that this novel can be made into something decent. I'm sure that tomorrow I'll be back to crisis mode. :) Sorry for the insanely long note.

from the-magus :

I'm always worried about being nosy when I make comments...I've been depressed quite a few times, and I've had depressed friends (we kinda clump together, don't we?), and there's often that irritation when someone tries to whitewash an issue (become a "Pollyanna"). I'm glad you're feeling so good. I have high hopes for 2004. :)

from the-magus :

Thanks for the well-wishes. The positive side on having "chosen" to play the victim, though, is that it gives you the power (and responsibility) to "choose" to NOT be a victim...if someone's able to see patterns in their life that make them vulnerable to abusers, they can start to make changes to avoid similar situations. I always hated the "blame the victim" kind of attitude as well, though, because no matter what damage an abuser has that caused them to do awful things, it's still their responsibility to run their life, and they are still responsible for their actions. To take that onus and put it onto the victim is looking at things backwards, IMO.

from the-magus :

Happy New Year. :)

from the-magus :

I'm mildly relieved that it was the website and not me...I think I'm usually half-expecting to be diagnosed as insane. It's much better to know that it's technology failing, not my brain. Speaking of which, there's a study that says that even moderate alcohol consumption may lead to brain shrinkage and higher risk of stroke (this is different from other studies which suggested that only high alcohol consumption would have those bad effects). Also, as far as the tlc goes, consider this a dose of the good ol' anonymous internet dweller kind. Do you have a pet, by the way? If you're lonely, even a gerbil or hamster can make a big difference. Don't get a fish, though, because they can die unexpectedly, which might wreak havoc on your self-esteem.

from the-magus :

Hm. I'm not sure if it's me or you, but I'm not able to see your latest 2 entries...the last one I can see is "My Inner Critic Cares About Me!", but your older entry page says that there are more...I'm hoping it's just a temporary glitch?

from the-magus :

Ack! I was writing an email to you to ask you to get a guestbook or to activate your notes feature, and just before I sent it off I figured I ought to check to make sure that you hadn't already activated your notes before I sent the email. Obviously it's a good thing I did, or else I'd look pretty foolish. But since the email is already mostly written, I'll send that anyway. The gist of it is that I wanted to say Hi and pass along some general encouragement and to say that it's been kind of helpful to know someone else is going dry roughly at the same time I am. Er...okay, that is actually the email, so to avoid being redundant, I'm going to cancel that and shut up now. I apologize for my seeming insanity. It's at the end of my work shift (I work midnights) so I'm completely tired and googly-eyed.

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