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circling, I've read your diary on and off for about a month now. I think that your writing is honest and inspiring. I finish your page and I want to work harder on my thesis, and on fighting my own depression. In short, you're damn beautiful and no doubt will see a time when you no longer need therapy.

from eventhewind :

that honestly made me furious. glad as I am that she did survive, every thought you articulated stirs feeling in me. and the fact that her wedding became a sort of ed-graduation party... all the wrong that was done to you, directly/ indirectly, intentional or not. and the idea of attention as attending... how many hours have I spent, as you did... how many times did I put my own lack of energy and hard work aside to hold onto someone else... how many times did I watch someone I love attempt to get someone else to eat just a little, or did I do it myself... and no, I was never made to do those things, but that doesn't make the people who were sick any less accountable for what their illness did. I'm accountable for what mine has done. I hate it. I hate what I have to take responsibility for; I hate expecting others to take that responsibility. but it's all a mess, and I'm angry. I'm angry for the times it's been thrown in my face (when someone decided to screw my attachment to them and just be ill) and all the times it's been thrown in my face (when someone decided to make their entire life about their eating disorder, even their recovery from it.) so here I am. thoroughly pissed off and grateful to you. because it's dangerous to have this rage without *remembering* it occasionally. (p.s. fingers crossed for the new therapist!)

from eventhewind :

wow. thank you... I've always enjoyed etymology, but I've never thought to look for comfort in it this way. I appreciate your words more than I can say. and it just seems relevent to tell you... my favorite thing to do in the pool (because, you know, I can't swim) is to hold onto a noodle in the deep water, and propell myself in circles. my favorite thing to do is spin, is twirl around, change directions, twirl some more. and I like to do it with my eyes open. so maybe you're right. maybe that is how this works. either way, I'm determined to 'stay afloat.' :> thank you again.

from novembre :

my diary is locked for the time being because i happened upon a very nosy family member. to read novembre, just say "hello" twice.

from shadow-s :

un: shadows pw: canopen5 :)

from phaiding :

hey thanks for adding me to your buddy list.. hope you're doin okay at the moment.. what's your email addy? maybe we can chat sometime... -vanessa

from eventhewind :

I believe you have feelings. I believe you have a right to them. And for whatever it's worth, I still believe that there are people out there who define beauty without buying into the commercial notion. I also thought it was bizarre and hypocritical to have such an uproar over the Janet Jackson "incident." I believe we're screwed up enough to freak out when one of the celebrities we're constantly pushing to new heights of scanty-clothing and scanty-flesh shows that body outside of a music video. But I don't believe I'd have been traumatized, if I'd bothered to watch. it's far more difficult to deal with what you're speaking of...the feelings of separation, of never being the one chosen...I know those feelings well. I'm sorry that you have cause to share them. and I believe we aren't naive to have hope that this will change...

from ebony10 :

Hi :) Just wanted you to know that I'm moving my diary from ebony10 to rainbowsix, so update your buddy list! :)

from perdiendome :

first steps are great places to begin. i'm working myself up to a few first steps. and i think i can relate to the random deaths leading to... well, the thoughts they lead to. i basically think i'll shut up now, b/c i feel like the more i write here the more i reveal the fact that i am not a good writer. but i wanted to let you know i'd stopped by, and was glad to read another circling entry. take care... :)

from chordchild :

thank you for taking that walk.

from chordchild :

I'll hope for you. I'm good at being hopeful in other people's lives. and I believe, entirely, that you can do this. 120 minutes of freedom, coming up! (oh, wait, they already happened. well, dearling, don't keep us in suspense! how did they *go*?) :)

from liekakoira :

Hi, I found your diary when I checked how many and who in Diaryland has listed Female Perversions as their favourite movie. I read your diary a little and I hope all the best for you. Take care of yourself.

from chordchild :

I'm sorry, and I hope it is.

from perdiendome :

hey... yea for happy california trip, and things in life coming together, and... well, i'm just excited whenever i have days so filled with the anticipation i read in your entry... :)

from chordchild :

oooh, transformation. never a painless thing, that. but then, you seem to have done quite a bit of the work already, and I look forward to the post-presentation moment when you can feel the relief and the reward. you do deserve to be heard. and it will be ok when they stop being perfect. to smooth take-offs and even smoother landings...~m

from perdiendome :

thanks for your note... i would love to hear your words on anything, so i've added you to my favorites so that i can keep easy track of when you update... hope that it will be sooner than later! :) beth

from jpoet112 :

Runnagate runnagate. And keep on going. And never stop going.

from chordchild :

::huggle:: a day comes when you are your own proof that life is worth it, when the pain really is replaced with peace. here's to that day...

from perdiendome :

you make me think about words. i like that. hope you update more. :)

from jpoet112 :

i wish you could believe in yourself.

from lighthouse91 :

Thanks for adding me as a fav. Hope you're doing ok!!

from circling :

today, i will not worry that my needs will not be taken care of. i am doing the best i can to focus on making the changes i need to make in my writing, 'exactly as they've been asked' of me. nothing more or less

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