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"I've already learned seven clever designs for a lamp made out of dried cat dookie, dental floss, and catfish bones" - my roommate made this lamp, i thought about telling her that it jumped out the window bc it was scared of the vaccuum cleaner, but then our cat actually attacked it. kitty won, although she was hiding and frothing at the mouth for days afterwards.

from surfnskate :

interesting. did you actually grow a donkey? or perhaps larger buttocks? nevermind. nice to see you. -clay

from mr-sparkles :

There's something about underwear that's torn up. You just can't throw it away sometimes, you just keep going with it till it chafes you up or just falls completely apart. I got some shit that tarzan wouldn't even wear.

from slurpymundae :

YES! FU FU! Back and in action!

from pattymelt :

i about fell outa my chair when your name lit up all red and shit! whoo hoo! and oh, my gawd! you quoted the man of man of my (sexual)dreams! JBJ! thank you!

from excentrique :

you changed your layout. can this be? is fu-fu back in the motha fuckin hizouse? i hope so.

from annahplanet :

We mourn your absence, man.

from mr-sparkles :

Ahhh, the red x's are cool.

from papereyes :

Chris??? It's Sophie Q. Message me if I am correct. Cheers.

from annahplanet :

man, you make me laugh so much.

from missghost :

Please make sweet sweet love to me on my dad's Lay-Z-Boy, and after, we can eat salt and vinegar potato chips and drink Fanta. Unless you don't want to, in which case never mind.

from pattymelt :

thanks be to god! so glad to see you back.

from pattymelt :

why are you not updating? i hope all is ok...i am waiting for the next update....you know, so i can pee in my pants (not crap)

from argyle-sox :

I was nearly in hysterics as I laughed reading your entry about crapping your pants. Luckily, none of those instances have happened to me.

from argyle-sox :

I was nearly in hysterics as I laughed reading your entry about crapping your pants. Luckily, none of those instances have happened to me.

from flyinby :

hilarious, that entry about the crapping pants chinese grease incident. hate to admit it but . . . been there done that myself. *blush* like what i've read so far. i'll be back!

from z0tl :

�

from mr-sparkles :

beautiful.

from ms-m :

You don't wanna know what was sliding down the back of my throat as I read this.... Pepsi! Get yer mind out of the gutter.

from bluelights :

Now that you've posted a pic, I swear I know you. You sure you're not a long lost relative? (I have family in Miami, OK). ;)

from excentrique :

dude you are so funny, the "haiku tuesday" thing almost made me piss myself i was laughing so hard.

from marn :

*Insert sound of open palm smacking forhead*. And to think I once hesitated to use a "I'm coming, 'Lizabeth" reference because I figured no one would get it.

from annahplanet :

ah. It may be a play on that other moving company "two men and a truck," but I like your theory much much better. By far! So glad I clicked on your banner. Having fun reading you from start to finish. Rock on.

from withkerth :

oh! my new favorite diary! soo super. and i really am Jealous of that Where's The Beef mug... i said "oooh" outloud when I saw it.

from kstarr :

hi large birds like those in your banner make me nervous also your musical tastes and FLAVOURS [erm] entice and confuse me so please teach me the way without large birds or i will cry. carry on.

from nekono :

Aunt Esther died, I'm sorry.

from nekono :

P.S. What does it say? Your fucking sunny day!

from nekono :

O Dallas you shine with an evil light, How did you turn a billion steers into buildings made of mirrors, and why am I drawn to you tonight?

from nekono :

I told you i wasnt that impressed with Haruki Nakashuki rain monkeys and all, and its all YOUR fault that I ran out and read him. But i still like david berman. i do. i do.

from nekono :

I told you i wasnt that impressed with Haruki Nakashuki rain monkeys and all, and its all YOUR fault that I ran out and read him. But i still like david berman. i do. i do.

from czarria :

god you're so fucking hilarious. I needed that laugh. that's what I think everytime I read an entry from you.

from kimyadawson :

you are awesome. sanford and son is awesome. bound for glory is awesome. maybe you'll like my diary too.

from doorag :

however, i like the kinks. did anyone get my "blazing saddles"/"life stinks" double gag? no? oh well.

from doorag :

oh yeah i read, skim-read anyway, that "Kink" book...man what a fuckin tosser that guy is! it was actually pretty cool reading a 1st hand account of such complete wankerness.

from nekono :

the other night i dreamt i was in oklahoma and you lived in an ocean front house. The waves were 10 feet high and i said "i didnt know they had an ocean in oklahoma" and you said "you're a dummy bitch girl thats why" and then i punched you. It was a good dream.

from nekono :

sometimes i get so immersed in jesus stories and georgia and postcard prostitutes that i want to scream so you dont forget.

from nekono :

I am on the 8th floor of a 10 story building. We're twins!

from nekono :

I like sweet pickles stories. So much. I wanted to live with them. I followed the maps of their streets and wished as hard as i could..

from doorag :

(correct answer - "i like the kinks")

from doorag :

(correct answer - "i like the kinks")

from doorag :

you said the kinks twice.

from nekono :

"Bring on the major leagues"..... Sometimes there is so much i want to write you and infuse it all with lyrics spinning in and out but i can never finish the song.

from peth :

you are so sexxxy.

from klikitak :

i think "squeeks" is on to something here with the whole identity stealing...and I too share similar feelings about emerils nuts. bam! ps: you crack me up.

from nekono :

HI, what the hell is pita's and this 12% beer stuff? I wish I could be "hip" to the diaryland lingo. =( Anyway maybe you can EMAIL me and explain some things, like your webbed feet.

from nekono :

Hello fu, you were in my dream the other night wearing under roos and talking about croquet. Did you see the comment left for you on cafejesus? its fantastic and i swear it wasnt me!

from nekono :

Umm i only wrote Lawrence Welk ONCE fu, i swear. Some diaryland gnome i guess like him alot. anyway this diary entry is for you being southern and all: http://sooner.diaryland.com/index.html

from nekono :

Lawrence Welk.

from nekono :

Lawrence Welk.

from nekono :

Lawrence Welk.

from near-sighted :

"...save for an argyle sock held tight with a friendship bracelet"? i don't know whether to puke or laugh. i will simply guffaw.

from bnvicious :

I have to let you know that we have the stinking highlighters that smell like puss at my office as well.....me and my friend make fun of them all of the time.... ;)

from issa79 :

hi, just thought i'd let you know that in a certain country your nickname (fu-fu) means 'to masturbate, wank, jack-off, slap the dog, etc ' you get the pic :-)

from frenchpress :

hello stopped by and thought i would say hi~

from nekono :

belle and sebastian charge, not 10, not 20 but THIRTY dollars for a ticket to see their lame-asses play a show and Ryan Adams hangs out with Elton John. what more do i need to say???

from nekono :

belle and sebastian charge, not 10, not 20 but THIRTY dollars for a ticket to see their lame-asses play a show and Ryan Adams hangs out with Elton John. what more do i need to say???

from elle8 :

oh no. The Fu saw it fit to remove me from his favorites list because I have passworded my shit all up. FU! COME BACK!!!! I know it is a pain in the ass to type passwords, but the password is a small, small step in potecting me from being dismembered by crazy people bearing the broken neck bottles of forties. Straight up yo. Come home. Come home to Elle8's diary. You are still so most welcome. Fu. FOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

from nekono :

thanks for writing me a return note fu. Speaking of Fu, there is an asian man that frequents the local borders sporting a fu manchu type facial hair getup and he wears a purple fanny pack. I wish you could see it, it might be just like yours.

from nekono :

Why dont you try getting a garden gnome at k-mart, you must have one on every corner down there in Kentucky. Fu. i have a picture of old man Sanford holding up a Colt 45 from a 1972 ad in playboy. Do you want it? Why do i taunt you so?

from so-in-love :

awwwww cute! hehe:P

from publicdomain :

me love me some fu-fu (MIKE)

from czarria :

I promise you'll hate that mower. they are hard as hell to keep in functioning order. We never had a REAL mower when I was akid. We had those damned things. I think it would've been FASTER and more productive to cut the grass with a pare of small scissors. EEK. :)

from dullstar :

oh, come on now. you can't just give the punishment. that's like ordering your favorite meal and getting food poisoning off it. no good. ca-peesh?

from galaxiebabie :

j lo's underwear? that's some creative thinking to go along w/ that demented ass picture

from stellarose :

wow. can't keep up. *SR

from nekono :

Foof, I had a Beta fish that lived two years, thats right, TWO years. His name was t.s. eliot. He lived in a fish bowl, not a fancy tank. One day i decided to get him a modified tank with a filter thing, and a week later he died. He preferred the fish bowl that selfish sonofabitch.

from gayboyspurse :

Congratulations & I'm sorry . That's a lot for one breath. Welcome back

from nekono :

Moles, I write you and nothing, i need music advice so get on the stick. I am also reading Haruki Maruki or however you spell his name because YOU suggested him. I am reading south of the border west of the sun (dont you like how i just make up my own titles) Well i like it , but its not as fantastic over the top circus fun that i thought it would be. Maybe I am just reading the worst one he wrote (just my luck) thanks alot fu-fu, thanks a fucking lot.

from nekono :

Hey Moles, i need some new music, so you better give a hint to some good stuff because i got money to burn and a flask full of whiskey. now get to it and make sure it aint no pansy ass whiney shit either!

from nekono :

thanks for writing me back jerkface. You are unemployed, what ELSE do you have to do? by the way, nothing makes me happier than whiskeytown and catfish dinners in a trailer.

from asteroidbelt :

i never did understand why you dedicated this to me... http://fu-fu.diaryland.com/011018_19.html

from nekono :

Have you heard the Reindeer Section yet? If you haven't then you aint no friend of mine and now i wont EVER meet you by the sycamore tree.

from savvy212 :

i, too, have just dicovered the joy of morpheus...to have tricky by run dmc followed up by i am i said followed by the boy with the arab strap is pure bliss...oh, and custard has eggs in it..i think that is the only difference...for some reason custard merchants are particularly persnickinty about the whole custard/ice cream thing. odd.

from kneesocks :

and here i was trying to be understanding that you are for some reason in a place as horrific as oklahoma - and YOU NEVER WROTE ME BACK!

from nekono :

dont you ever check your email you sonofabitch???

from joleen :

Your diary is very entertaining. I'd invite you to read mine, but then I'd have to give you the password....Instead, I'll just add you to my faves so I can check up on your updates......thanks for writing.

from beinghuman :

they sell goldfish at wal-mart, assuming you have one nearby, and since they are sold as feeder fish, they normally cost no more than 16 cents a piece....

from chrissy-love :

omigoodness (what would brad do) nice fat guy. ummm... the bunny's a bit much. (heh) merry christmas, doll.

from zania :

you are very fucking funny thats all I gotta say

from ramona1992 :

First, my days are brightened by your writing. You make me laugh! That said, I'm pretty sure you "bleed", not sweat, like a stuck pig (stuck with a knife or some other sharp object). That's a whole lotta bleeding. I think you just sweat like a pig, stuck or not. Although the pig was probably sweating a lot before he was stuck, I know if someone was coming at me with a big knife, I'd be sweating, too...

from lrig :

magnetic fields are tastee. hurrah for you. [and squeeky too.]

from tempura4 :

i would suggest you try that ghetto quiz again--out of sad and pathetic curiousity/boredom/procrastination i took it, answered "no" for all but two questions and came up with a 61%-80% ghetto rating (i think i was even likened to snoop dog! ha!). when i took it again with the same answers i was everyone's fav prep: zach whatever his name is--sounds to me like the thing is fucked--so don't let it detract from the ghetto-bitch in your heart :)

from chrissy-love :

geez louise. CROUP! Define that?

from chrissy-love :

well i'm sorry that you have to go. parting is such sweet sorrow. but... is it a good move? a blessing?

from jonah :

you little bitch! i think you've blocked me. i KNOW you have. so today i was sitting in english, and we were watching hamlet, and hamlet said something about smiting someone or some such nonsense [you know how silly william was] and i thought. i'll cut you, you little bitch!

from chrissy-love :

What did you do for work? You sound glad to be gone. :-) more power to you.

from almostgoldsf :

that secret santa crap sucks, but there is something even worse: the office holiday party potluck. should i bring white trash dip?

from nyaaago :

AH!! Ahahaha!! Okay, how's this for letting you know you've officially entered the Bible belt: you're walking down the street and see a nice, crisp new five-dollah bill lying there. You pick it up, unfold it, and it says, "DISAPPOINTED?! You won't be if you have Jah-HEEEEEE-sus in your life!!!!"

from chrissy-love :

your diary is OH-SO entertaining! thank you for making my day

from schizogirl :

uh EXCUSE me but you havent thanked me for applauding and encouraging your relationship even if it was internet based. Remember I said some people are worth doing something youd never normally do?! I do believe a thanks is in order here. yeah I know I didn't do any of the work, but still. Yay you! :) :)

from arielle-envy :

I was just sitting here coughing up a snot ball while reading your diary at the same time and I found them both pretty enjoyable. And now I realize I left a note down there a while ago.Cool. ..Must be time for some pudding.

from stuage :

Once you are on this plane, you are going to need some arts and crafts materials. You may need some googly eyes, felt, glue, sparkles,etc. at the very least, take a large jiffy marker. Once comfortable in your seat find your "barf-bag" and kickstart the creative side of your melon. In a very short time you will have a brand new friend in the form of a hand puppet. The puppet will prove useful in stopping unwanted conversation with the encyclopedia salesperson from Demoines who will be seated directly next to you. Simply utilise the puppet when answering all of the queries from you new-found friend. Supply the barf-bag with a name, for example I travelled to Nashville with "Captain Jim" complete with airline headphones. My roommate and I found this very funny, our humour fueled by copious amounts of Gin-Tonic. Good luck on the flight.

from savvy212 :

i am a firm believer that if you board the plane, and then purchase the worst beer possible, and nurse it the duration of the flight, your plane will not crash. you will not die whilst clutching an MGD lite. fu-fu aint goin out like that.

from uncnditional :

oh yeah, so while i'm at it, my friend elliot, he really likes the simpsons and wanted to collect all 12 bk happymeal toys. so we'd go through drive-thru's: bk: thanks for stopping, what can i get you? me: em.. which simpsons toys have you got? bk: the halloween toys. me: no, which CHARACTERS have you got RIGHT. NOW? bk: um.. [muffled, confused whispers in the background] smithers, flanders, maggie and lisa. me: okay, nevermind, we've already got those. --screeeeecccch!-- i'm sure burger king loves me for that.

from uncnditional :

i love you and your pea-snorting coworkers. you are hilarious: don't stop writing. i mean it, don't stop.

from lipsy :

That is some pretty scary shit.

from siopup :

haha, i love your diary. i nearly peed my pants!

from squarepants :

Yes. We all know that. Love, me

from near-sighted :

there! i've made the switch, but no fart jokes yet. near-sighted.diaryland.com

from toothbrush :

Oh, I hate to do this but... your last name isn't Ferguson, is it? No wait, you don't have to tell me. I mean, aaarrrgggh! Sorry.

from squeeky :

cause you know me i'm as lonely as the night is long you know me and i know you you're as lonely as the day is blue i know you you and i both know that this could never be truer! you know where to find me. awake to freaking early, Squeeky

from schizogirl :

i locked my diary. i locked it a month ago and you havent noticed because you do not love me.

from sturge :

Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages.

from sturge :

Taking the Browns to the Superbowl.

from squeeky :

The story of the homeless couple having each other warms my heart.

from mindspin :

i lub you!!!! wonderful diary

from squeeky :

Dearest Fu Just wanted you to know that I am waiting. Squeeks

from beekgurl :

Love the layout... the graphic was so cute!!!

from toothbrush :

I play the cello. No, seriously. I play the cello!

from squarepants :

Wow! The new layout is great. I always loved that Dump cover. Love it love it love it!

from squeeky :

hurry home

from squeeky :

hotmail my love - hotmail

from squeeky :

Dearest fu-fu - I am waiting for you in our special place. yours always, Squeeky

from squeeky :

Love, how I cherish the thought that you care so very much for me and the impending dark circles under my little green eyes. Be assured that me dreams are filled with visions of us together at long last. I do have to mention that clapping incident - how odd that I had a very similar thing happen to me today. A friend and I were at an office baby shower and talking about the inappropriate outfit a certain coworker was wearing when my friend said something that I found extremely funny. Of course the din of screaching mothers and children had hushed at the exact moment that I snort with laughter. Yes, heads turned and yes eyes widened as I quickly retreated to a back room to cry with side splitting laughter. How exactly do you explain to a group of people that you laughing at the lady with the granny panties and crack showing as she bent over the presents? Oh fu-fu, how I wish you were here to comfort me in this time of need. How I long to gaze into your eyes and know that you feel the same. Forever your Josephine, Squeeky

from squeeky :

Dearest Fu, hope you rested well. Unfortunately I was plagued by that maniacal train operator again last night. If only he would keep that whistle to himself! Oh but he did not keep me from sweet dreams the rest of the night."You're a tear that hangs inside my soul forever ..." Squeeky

from squeeky :

Oh fu-fu ... how happy I am to know that you made it back safely! You truly are Superman. Rest assured, you will always have the key to my heart! Hope that all went well in the bowels of hell on Airport Thruway. I shall rest easy this evening knowing that you are safe at home in bed with thoughts of sugar plums dancing through your head. I will be your Lois Lane, Squeeky

from squeeky :

I must admit that it fills my heart with joy to know that you are a true friend to a girl with a drunk husband. That only solidifies the thought that you are a strong and noble individual that is to be admired. I admire you. I admire you for the things you do for others, I admire you for the words you say to me, I admire you for loathing the Bizkit Boy as much as I. I am waiting anxiously for you to turn the corner into this sun-lit place and brighten the more even more with your beautiful smile. I am sitting here basking in the warm glow of the sun. I like the way it shimmers on the little blond hairs of my arm and makes me feel warm and loved. I like the way I can see it reflect off my eyelashes as I stare out into the yard and watch the squirrels scurry across the freshly mowed grass. I sit here and know that the sun will shine brighter once you are here with me. You are my sunshine, Squeeky

from squeeky :

Lovely fu-fu, the saint has smiled upon my computer and I know write to you from the comfort of my home. Can you feel the connection? I can. Oh fu-fu, my eyes do twinkle with such love for you and the time we share together. I can barely wait to hear from my true love again. Please know that if I do not respond immediately it is because I am bargaining with the winch at CD Zone, Why won't she take my freaking Nelson CD? Why won't ANYONE take my Nelson CD? Why did I ever buy that Nelson CD? But I digress! I shall return in 2 short hours - never fear, I will be here for tons of discussion with you this evening! Until then my love, Squeeky

from squeeky :

Oh my love, I can't tell you how I long to hear beautiful words spring unsolicited from your lips. Please write to me soon and my world stops spinning when you are absent. Know that the moment I read your poetic thoughts, I will return to the clouds to be with my angel! Angelically yours, Squeeky

from squeeky :

My love, my life, my fu-fu. I can't write much now - but I shall write you this afternoon after the cursed/yet blessed cable modem guy hooks me up at my new home. I will suffer the 3 1/2 hour wait just so we can talk at all hours of the day and night. I shall suffer through so that your sweet words will be available to me in my darkest hours. I SHALL suffer through! Please tell your mother that our love is true and that no one can come between us and that it is rude to spit watermellon seeds on the floor. Until this afternoon. Word to your mother, Squeeky

from beotch :

how da fuck do I read these?

from squeeky :

Sweet Fu-Fu, I must admit that I got chill bumps at the thought of being locked in your arms. Oh how I long for the day when we can be together. I cherish the thought that I was able to help you pull through that nightmarish illness. Just so you can rest easy, I too am saving myself for you. You are the only man for me Fu-Fu. I will wait until my dying days to be held tight by your strong masculine arms, to feel your heart beat next to mine, to gaze longingly into your eyes and ask that eternal question, "What is that smell?" Oh love, how I wish you were here with me now, the wonders we could see, the joys we could experience, the music that would fill our ears, the passion that would fill our hearts! But alas, this will all have to wait. See you in your dreams, Squeeky

from squeeky :

My dearest fu-fu - oh how my heart breaks to hear that you are sick. If only I were close enough to nurse you back to health. I guarantee you would feel better instantly! All my thoughts will go to you this weekend as I work diligently to raise funds so that we might combat this tragic illness that has befallen you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and dreams while you suffer through this hard time. I was very happy to hear of the amazing night you had planned for the two of us. The sweet taste of chocolate, the seductive scent of roses, the life-saving capabilities of Fix-A-Flat. Oh Fu-Fu, you know me all too well. If only we could have that one magical night together, but alas, geography is a cruel mistress. Anxiously awaiting that day! Nurse Squeeky

from doidare :

and the lucksmiths (which i'm listening to now), and vic chesnutt, and many others...reading your profile was oddly familiar. i'm also from georgia (marietta, to be exact), and went to school in athens.

from squeeky :

Oh dearest fu-fu, how disappointed I was when you did not show up at our special place last night. Oh how my heart broke - oh the tears I shed - oh woe is me. My one saving grace is that I know you will make a guest appearance in my dreams - oh yes fu-fu, you are still the man of my dreams! Sleep tight, Squeeky

from shutupmom :

I LIKE THAT IM VIXEN. YOURE SO BRILLIANT.

from squeeky :

Oh yes that oh so romantic janitorial closet incident - I remember it fondly. Since we are speaking of rendezvous, meet me at "our spot" at 3 am, don't dissapoint a Squeeky girl now - okay?!? I have to tell you that the drink I partook of in your honor made me quite light headed, just like the time - ha well I'm sure you remember! Headed to our secret place, Squeeky

from squeeky :

My dearest Fu-Fu, You have no idea how drab my weekend was without your kind words to fill it. I was ever so delighted to find that you feel the same about hearing from me. Sure hope you feel fuzzy inside due to the fact that I drank a beverage in your honor on Saturday night. Well I must return to work now, but know that you will be in my thoughts all this live long day! Hatin' Fred Durst, Squeeky P.S. Sorry to hear of your excrutiating discomfort with the sperm-stalker.

from mel839 :

*hug*

from schizogirl :

and damn I love this Salteens song

from schizogirl :

Black and White wouldn't quite capture pink shit, but thanks for the advice.

from squeeky :

Oh fu-fu, I feel your pain! I cringe at the thought of the adolescent humiliation you suffered at the hands of your tyranical maternal figure. But truth be told you killed with the Babe Ruth reference. Fu-Fu please live happy wrapped in the knowledge that you make my days brighter, my nights warmer (wink, wink), and my laughs louder. (although I guess it really doesn't help my career to much when the boss walks by and I am in tears of laughter - what do you think?) Hopefully knowing that outside in America Squeeky goes to bed with you on her mind will help soften the blows of anger suffered during your oh'so tragic childhood. Fu-Fu on my mind, Squeeky

from squeeky :

I must say that I think I have found the man o'my dreams and that man is called "fu-fu". How do I love they, let me count the ways: 1) who else speaks so openly of the poo 2) no one I know has ever heard of the Silver Jews and yet you speak freely of David Berman 3) you crack my shit up on a daily basis Ah my dear "fu-fu" you are truly the man o'my dreams! feelin all fuzzy inside, Squeeky

from schizogirl :

I mean I know I requested to be White Snake and all, but I'm really a little more like a They Might be Giants kind of girl, but I'll settle for Clint Mansell. OK THANKS

from toothbrush :

People call me fu-fu. I can't tell you exactly why but I just thought you should know.

from squashpie :

I love you.

from arielle-envy :

Cool. Cool. Cool. Your diary is obviously cooler than mine for several reasons. But the major reason is, You're definitely smarter than me, Because I have the same damn layout, and this wee little brain has not replaced "Diary name here" with anything other than "Diary name here". Bravah!!

from missthepoint :

as an added note, i have spotted the new change in your favourite band list - although there are a few names i don't recognize, i highly approve. another score for the fuster.

from bluelights :

Stop making me choke from laughter while I'm having lunch, okay? =]

from missthepoint :

damn it. now i know why my stomach was acting up. i will remember to refer to your pilfered mushroom chart the next time i decide to cook mushroom de la mushroom. fu-fu.diaryland.com: here's to health. OI!

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