messages to cloudy-night:
(click here to add new message):

from illusionless :
username: winner password: loser. Please delete after reading this. Thank you.
from jimbostaxi :
Your car adventures sound dangerous ,,,, the word of the day is uuuuuuber ,, lol :)
from mhscutie05 :
Yea, it’s the terrible funk. Lol But I shall prevail! I will find myself out of this disease infested, bacteria growing, cancer spreading place called work – aka, Hell. So you are trapped in Hell as well? Lol Keep us updated on your driving adventures. :D
from mhscutie05 :
From the darkest of shadows he has emerged!!! Hey, you got a car! That's a start! Don't be nervous! You will do better every time you drive when you have confidence in yourself. The best driver is a defensive one. You'll be fine. Calc aye? Can't remember the last time I touched that. But in all sounds like you're doing great! Good to see you updating finally! ;)
from a-d-w :
keep on keepin' on
from musikoid :
Thanks, D. and it's good to see you here again. I read your entry, and it seems you ask many of the same questions I do, insofar as why we don't always accede to the level of progress we feel we ought to have made by now. Sometimes it helps me to pray at those times and say: "Show me a more excellent way." It helps when changing habit behavior to feel you've been given a substitute. I also relate on the giving, and needing to make sure I take care of myself first. I've pretty much reduced it to an occasional five dollars I can give a homeless person here. Not twenty like earlier.
from musikoid :
sent u the user-pass
from musikoid :
Good to hear from you, cloud. Congratulations on your promotion! Happy holidaze -
from erases :
this place is more and more broken. a long slow death.
from stellarrobot :
Thanks for your note. Hope you are working on your studies. When there are so many barriers to acquiring an education, for the rich it is merely a status symbol. For the rest, it is a bloody magnificent achievement. You will get there.
from erases :
where you been
from jimbostaxi :
It’s very hard I put more value in the little bit of time we do spend together, there’s no turning back the clock I can’t make her ten again I just have to be here if and when she does need me. Thanks for the note! :0)
from mhscutie05 :
UPDATE!!! lol
from mhscutie05 :
HEY HEY! I'm doing good. Just trying to keep up with my half-lings. lol I've been way too mind consumed to properly leave an entry. But thanks for leaving a note! How are things for you? Have you been keeping your pants on and taking more walks outside? lol
from illusionless :
Thanks Cloudy-night. It feels good to be back. Hope you're well. :) I am still catching up with everyone's entries.
from jimbostaxi :
I was so burnt out I could barely tell you my name but the two job thing is over so I should be able to update more frequently now :0)
from silver4 :
Hello, yes I wasn't at the concert fortunately. Thanks for checking in on me!
from jimbostaxi :
Disturbing yes,,, worst thing I could write about unfortunately no ,,, I can only hope one day he’ll pay for his actions. Good to hear from you cloudy-night hope all is well with you
from mhscutie05 :
Where'd you go?
from mhscutie05 :
All I saw in this post was... DENTIST!!! lol But you sound happier now than your last entry. A little work drama can also help fill in boring hours in between. lol But I'm happy to hear that you are planning a trip to AFRICA! That's great! Sounds like you deserve a vacation! And keep working on the guitar practices. lol 'I'm learning to fly! (G-F-C-Am-G) Tom Petty my man! :D
from musikoid :
I'd like to read "The Art of Sacrifice." There are a few different articles by that title on the Internet. Who's it by?
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the note! It's the freaking Hindenburg here,, I just keep saying oh, the humanity!!
from musikoid :
Thanks for explaining about your cousin. That's got be incredibly awful to lose both family members like that three days apart. I hope he's doing okay. And hey -- thanks for your prayers, man. I'm at a hotel room now, I'm paying $50 a night, but it sure feels good to be sleeping in an actual bed, and to have a phone next to me that I can use without becoming frustrated. I am hoping I can use this as a stepping stone, and maybe God will be merciful to me despite my many fuck-ups, and create some kind of smooth segue to the next place of residence, whether in this world or the next. Love you, man.
from musikoid :
I wasn't sure in reading your entry whether this happened to your 'cousin' just recently or if it happened some time ago. In either case, it's awful. Also wondering when he lost his father.
from mhscutie05 :
Lol You and DS said the same thing. I could understand not knowing or wanting to really say anything on something as sensitive as a HUGE breakup like a Divorce. But things have finally settled down. Lol if it were something real I’d be on the ‘Breaking News’ segment ‘Wife brutally disemboweled her husband and his friend before torturing them with a Columbian necktie while they were tied to the kitchen table over a prank gone wrong.’ lol And your latest post, changes can do a great deal on us emotionally and physically. But you sound like a strong person, much more than you think of yourself. Hope things start turning your way. And another note, my condolences to your family.
from musikoid :
It's common for extraneous fingers to touch extraneous strings and mute them. Most music stores have "rent-to-own" plans on pianos where you can rent the piano for $30/mo. or so and apply the rental to purchase after x number of months. Just a thought. Will send user/pass to your g-mail, though I'm pretty sure it's the same as last time. Good to hear from you D.
from jimbostaxi :
Dude, if that thing is draining slow don't pay that scumbag anymore money ! What's he doing that you can't do yourself? Whoever owns that needs to reimburse you and fix that problem
from musikoid :
Glad you got to see the Michalle Branch show. I wasn't aware you had such a strong musical consciousness. My friend George was in the Sound Industry was actually friends with Lester Paulfus. My first guitar was a Gibson Melody Maker (one step below an SG, at the time.) Les Paul's are great. I hope you can save up, and I hope you enjoy your guitar.
from erases :
https://youtu.be/TT4FFQ3Ugfc you are not artax. i need you to fly
from mhscutie05 :
Thanks for the note. I added an update to that latest entry. lol So far so good now. But how about you? Did you put your pants on and walk outside? :)
from integrating :
Thanks for the note...this place is on life support. That's too bad, this place used to be rockin'. Thanks for the email addy. I have the email saved in Sent, so I'll re-mail it. Mainly it was a crying on your shoulder type thing. LOL. Shame on me, I didn't go to the gym yesterday. I stay up all night and when it was time to get up to go, I was sound asleep. But tomorrow is another class at 5:30pm, so if I don't make that one, I'm going to kick my own arse!
from silver4 :
Go outside and play! Take a walk in the park. It's amazing what wandering around in fresh air does for you. Makes me feel pretty great and can help clear your mind and regroup mentally. I'm not the most active, but I always feel good after a visit to the park or a nice jog. It's hard to find a reasonable time to go these days out here though, since it is pretty much 100 degrees all day every day haha
from mhscutie05 :
Hey! The fact that you want to not be so lazy is a start. Some people want to be lazy. 600lbs later they're on an episode of Hoarders. lol You should put your pants on and without even thinking once, twice, or even three times just step outside and take a short stroll. See how you feel. :)
from integrating :
Thanks for the note, bud. BTW, is your email addy correct? I sent you an email to your diaryland email which is supposed to forward it to you. This site is almost dead so I don't know if it's just not working or what. Thanks
from silver4 :
Hi :) Rent increases suck. I know mine gradually went up at my old apartment from 775 to almost 1000 during my five year stint living there. Granted, I was the non-committal who would only sign six-month leases at a time, so mine was slightly higher than those who would sign for a full year. The final six plus months of me living there, I wouldn't even sign for six, so I was month to month, watching it raise an extra 100 to encourage me out of there. Hence the giant push to get the house! Now I am comfortable haha...paying more, but I have more than a one bedroom now! Anyways yeah, it's a bummer to see those increases, because the money could be so much better applied elsewhere :/
from erases :
</3
from dangerspouse :
Hey, it's been a week - did you get the Craigslist car? If so, what kind is it? (And good luck with the calculus. My old nemesis.)
from stellarrobot :
Yo, re: wisdom teeth - well that sucks! Hope you are recovering nicely. Nothing wrong with doing tv or video games in spare time btw, all the cool kids are doing it. (Some even do it in their underpants with snack foods on their chest - true story!)
from minstrelite :
I've been all right. I've had a couple lapses. There's a dealer dude three doors down for me, so the temptation is always there if I feel vulnerable. But I've recovered, I'm healthy, and clean except for occasional 420. It doesn't lead me to other things, so much as it helps me to get into a better head space when I can't stand myself. I suppose that's not the greatest thing in the world, but it's the lesser of evils if you know how huge my *real* problem is. Thanks for asking.
from minstrelite :
Oh - I see what you mean now, Cloud. You're like me, you're an Introvert. You can probably spend long periods of time alone and not be fazed by it. If she's like that too, I can see you being just friends. You never know, with people like us, if a relationship might surface further down the road - but only if you both want it.
from integrating :
I have no clues about how to load pics and stuff. we have to do it on dad's comp because mine is so damn old there's nowhere to insert it! It keeps freezing up. I'm about to toss it off the bridge. Total weight loss...44 lbs. :D
from dangerspouse :
BTW, I'm curious why you'd think that "too much alike" would be a deal breaker for a relationship. Do you think you would amplify each other's bad qualities or something?
from dangerspouse :
Haha! Thanks for the note :) Yeah, getting pinched is probably the better of those three options. And parts of Jersey, at least, are pretty godforsaken. But like most other states, it does have some redeeming sections. It's just that those sections don't get a lot of play in the media, so everyone thinks the entire place is a shithole. Which is fine by me. It's already crowded enough here. If bad press keeps everyone else away, it can only help :)
from minstrelite :
Hey Cloud. I'm not here too often but just caught your entry. Too much alike could maybe be a good thing, in this case. I know you will settle for a decent platonic friendship, but it would be cool if you could somehow head that off at the pass and not get "friend-zoned." I don't have any sage advice because I don't know how to do that myself. It somehow must involve overcoming insecurity, even as we know we are completely insecure at the moment. Hope that helps...
from jimbostaxi :
Hmmmmm I kind of want to see the video :0) but your right it won't be the same afterwards.
from integrating :
Hi! My money has already been put back into my acct! Yay!...I don't shop online, but I have 4 automatic pymts come out of my acct and I use my card to get gas. The bank rep told me that these guys have very sophisticated programs. He said they can even hack ATMs. He said when he uses his card he jiggles it so it messes up their programming device.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the note, I hate red tape I like to cut through the bullshit and get shit done but those procedures are there for a reason so I'm kind of stuck following them :0) hey cloudy, If you want to do the FB thing let me know if I'm not around mention it to Andy and I'll send you a request.
from jimbostaxi :
I'm happy to report me and that person are friends again :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Mr CNight Hapoy Easter!
from silver4 :
It's okay to give to people and be trusting. Just have to keep some feelers out there to know when people are trying to take advantage of you. Nice of you to share with someone, either way.
from jimbostaxi :
Ever ask a total stranger for help? She found a guy with a heart and you gave her 20 bucks is that really so bad? The worlds a fucked up place let's not all become heartless bastards. If anything the world needs more people like you that give a shit about their fellow man! Bravo on your kind act I'm sure she needed it.
from silver4 :
Haha he will be just fine...We are just convenience to one another. No feelings to worry about there.
from musikoid :
Sounds like a good plan for the reading of my play. Glad you're taking an interest in it, and eager to know what you think.
from musikoid :
I'm not sure how much of it is age, but it seems like it used to be that I had sexual desire going on *all the time* and since I've moved up North I hardly ever do at all. I used to lust after the cute co-eds at U.C.Berkeley - they seemed so *hot* and sexy, and though I felt lke a dirty old man, it felt good to have the lust. But since I've been up here, even though I'm in a college town and I'm only one year older, they all suddenly seem like kids to me. I guess that's a good thing - but as far as trying to land a decent healthy one-to-one monogamous relationship, I doubt I could meet the needs of a 40+ woman. I've thought of posting an ad. More and more, I'm thinking I'm going to have difficulty going through the rest of life without a mate. There are things I do because I live alone that I would be free of if there were someone there to stop me - such as going online when I'm mad and sending angry emails to multiple recipients, an age-old bad habit. Of course, that's on me - but I never make any progress. Seems if I came home to a girlfriend, she could say: "No, Andy No! Don't go to the computer! Come to me instead!" But that somehow doesn't seem to be the right reason for a relationship. The Woman would eventually realize that all she was doing was "picking up the slack" -- and I'd be alone again. On the other hand, some gals do take to musicians, and the gig *did* go great.
from erases :
Thanks man! It's time to let go and enjoy the hard work put in. Be hungry. Go get what you want.
from minstrelite :
It's not easy to change habits. In my case, I was only able to break certain bad habits by changing the environment associated with those habits. People say you're not "supposed" to go about it that way, that you'll only find yourself wherever you flee, and all that. But I say, life's too short and we're only human. To a large degree, we are products of our environments.
from dangerspouse :
Lol. Great note! Nice to know I'll at least be getting hookers. Again :)
from erases :
It went well. I appreciate the well-wishes. Don't worry, man. I have a hard time concentrating in louder environments where you're learning, also. I'm the kind of guy that would take notes and not read them later. The act alone helped me remember more. Don't worry about other people finishing before you. Some people race through life, and that's not us. We're going to climb out of this hole together.
from silver4 :
I think that it's great that you've said all of this and have given some insight into your educational background and the way that other people had behaved towards you. It is unfortunate that you had to experience those challenges, but you took a good high road and have clearly been working hard to improve yourself and your situation. Keep your head up. Try not to pay attention to what others are doing in class. We all learn and function at our own, individual paces, and it isn't a competition to finish an assignment the quickest. You will get to where you want to be in life. I am happy for you! And you do not need the support nor the assistance of your brother. Screw any negative influences. You got this. And thirty-six will rock. Thirty-five is lovely, but thirty-six will be glorious in its own right.
from musikoid :
Hey thanks for the encouragement. I remember why I decided to go back on these meds, but I had no idea their effect would be so bomblastic. I'm not even on as high a dosage as I was Back Then, but they are downing me out much more severely, as well as seeming to result in these strange spurts of - rage or whatever. The rage events only happened in like, the second or third week, but the downer aspect is still pretty heavy. Last night I slept 7 hours and thought I'd be all right for the day, then today I took two huge naps and basically didn't get up till 4:30 n the morning. It's like 5:30 now and this is the first time I've felt like my full brain is functioning. (Good thing too since I have to be at work in an hour.) Thanks for your support.
from dangerspouse :
Don't forget your favorite online cooks when you win that 400-million! We're a lot better than family (well, my family anyway). :)
from musikoid :
Great entry (2/22/17) - I like it when you just jot down what's on your mind "randomly" like that. I do that often, and more-often-than-not it turns out not to be all that random, after all.
from dangerspouse :
Woof. Sorry for the delay. I have no excuse, other than being a general dick. Hey listen, rather than take up 739 column inches of your Notes section with recipes, why don't you e-mail me and I'll send you some thoughts that way? (Although considering you only eat, like, FOUR FUCKING VEGETABLES, there won't be that many thoughts at all. Just sayin'.) Anywhooo, drop me a line at notepad101(at)hotmail, and when I stop being a dick again I'll write you back. I hope. Ciao!
from musikoid :
One thing I find when trying to lose weight is that prolonged exercise like walking or running seems to be the biggest factor. It's somehow easier to burn off calories than it is not to accumulate them in the first place. Good luck with that.
from musikoid :
I know what you mean about sleep. It's an end in and of itself. When you're sleeping, unless it's a gross nightmare or fitful sleep, you're usually fine. I remember when I was first homeless, I realized that once I was asleep, my body didn't even know I was homeless anymore. And I wasn't uncomfortable either. I was sleeping just as though I were in a bed, even though I was sleeping on a slab of concrete. But yeah - you reminded me of the Proverb, where it says: "Love not sleep, lest you come to poverty." I get into modes where I don't want to get out of bed, but if there's a way of making money in my sleep, I haven't found it yet. About the amount of hours, there was a time where I thought I was flowing on six hours sleep, when it seemed just right to me. But somehow I think I need more like eight now. I don't usually get it - but I feel like I need it. Oh - and by the way, thank you for the compliments. You're too kind. :)
from dangerspouse :
Lol. You're not giving me much to work with, kiddo. "There are some vegetables I like." Um...that's it? I've gotta guess now? C'mon, throw me a (vegetarian) bone! I'm guessing if your aim is to drop poundage you're gonna be going light on starchy veggies, right? So reduced potatoes, rice, breads, pasta, squash, corn, etc.? Ok then, tell me what sorts of green veg you can tolerate, along with and other non-starch plants (wax beans, cauliflower, tomato, and so on) that don't make you gag, and I'll see what I can do :)
from dangerspouse :
Aren't there any vegetables you like? Are there any ethnic styles you like - maybe ones where they mask the flavor of veggies, like Indian foods with curries, etc.? I hope you do start cooking. Once you take control of how you prepare things, you can make them to your taste. Good luck!!
from musikoid :
Oh - and thanks for your note, man. I just got it. I don't feel nearly so guilty as I did, now that I came back. Something about pride - it gets you every time - but then when you let go of it, how much better you feel? Know what I mean?
from musikoid :
I eat a lot of junk food. I just try to keep my weight down by exercising, and I usually feel good. I also try to make sure I get a lot of sleep. For me, six hours would not be enough. If you've been sleeping too much, as in to deal with depression, that's not too good. But I think most of us could use more sleep than we get. Sleep heals. About vegetables, I find they taste better if I just wash them off and eat them raw, than they do when cooked. They even say that's better for you.
from jimbostaxi :
Pop goes the weasel ! Hey we all been there don't beat yourself up about it, the kids ok so no going on a rampage that will have to wait for another time. I saw something on FB the other day it said "everyone's a gangster till they get punched in the face" yeah, that shits right on the money. I can see it now ill run up to the guy he punches me in the nose end of story,,, least till I regain consciousness.:0)
from silver4 :
It's ok, we all relieve those sexual frustrations on our own sometimes. I have no shame in it! Do what you have to do!
from musikoid :
Hey Cloud - thanks for your note, and for this poignant entry. About "reverting" - and with reference to your sister's outlook - it's a fine line. I don't think we should shun new experiences out of fear, if fear or shyness is the only reason we shun them. On the other hand, it's not wise to explore *everything* - and you are wise to err on the side of caution. I hope her tendency to do this doesn't eventually get her into trouble, because then her bubble will be burst. I've seen it happen, and it spoils a person's love-of-life when it does. But on the general level, we probably shouldn't "revert" because it means fixation on past ways and mores, rather than fully embracing the ways and means of the present day. + About my script, there's a public link to it I can send you. But maybe you'd rather wait till it's all finished. Shouldn't be too long now.
from musikoid :
It's not an opera, but a musical script. So I'm using the guild to help me with the script. But yeah - it really helps to have regular contact with other Writers. Of course, I have to critique their work as well (which is the hard part) but right now there's only three of them besides myself, so it's not so bad. Good to hear from you, D.
from musikoid :
Hey - thanks for your "comeback" entry. It's great to have your back. Something tells me that if you relax and have faith - including faith in yourself - you'll find yourself discovering and meeting your true life goals. Good luck, man.
from silver4 :
Hope you get to swing a vacation one of these days. You shouldn't feel bad about not hitting your goals by a certain time. Just re-evaluate those goals and make them happen still! I am a big fan of making goals and planning out ways to make it all work out. Figure out what you want and make it happen so you don't look back next year wishing you may have done something differently. And if you make your way to vegas this year, you should let me know!
from dangerspouse :
Waddaya mean, you're boring? You get to chat with me! That in and of itself makes you endlessly fascinating to others, I'm sure. Lol...well listen, I hope you manage to get to London or Tokyo or some equally far flung place just so you see that you CAN do it and it's NOT that scary actually taking the plunge on new ventures. As someone once said, "Leap, and the net will appear". I think you should take that to heart, unless you want to be looking back on your life in a few decades time, and thinking "If only I'd....". Best of luck, kiddo. Do right by yourself :)
from erases :
Both, I hope. How are you doin', man?
from dangerspouse :
Lol. You think so, huh? Well after 5 hours of staring at our inert bodies on the floor following our daily afternoon drunk, you might think otherwise. But yeah, the lucid few minutes in between we can get rather entertaining. So c'mon over! Thanks for the cool note :)
from musikoid :
Howdy Stranger!! Yeah I'm writing a show. I just finished the 4th Scene, and I joined a Writer's Guild that meets in town every couple weeks. Great to hear from you -
from jimbostaxi :
Watching from out here on the ledge,,, now put that damn controller down ... turn off the PS and come open the door and help me kill this bottle of Tequila! :0) Maggie was a blast, all taxi cab fares should be that fun,,,, maybe not,,, cause then I'd be drink with no money.. ok wished some were that fun!
from erases :
We're still watching, too, & waiting for your triumphant return.
from musikoid :
Is anybody besides me having trouble with DiaryLand navigation? My most recent entry at this time is http://musikoid.diaryland.com/uare.html but I'm pretty sure you can't access it except by pasting that url into your browser. It doesn't show up in the archives are on index.html. I'm experiencing a few other sources of frustration here as well, so I thought I'd "ask around." Apologize for leaving the same note for everybody - but in this case, it seems the thing to do. Since I have two diaries, the complications are compounded, and so I'm not sure how much of the current navigation issues are mine & mine alone. Let me know, please, if you can. Thanks.
from dangerspouse :
Hey, thanks for the note! Yeah, saffron is pretty freakin' expensive. It's, like, the male sex organs of a variety of crocus flower (mmmmmmmmm!), and there's only like 2 or 3 of these tiny dick-like things in each flower and they have to be plucked out by hand by tiny masochist flower castrators (don't believe Wikipedia if they say otherwise). So, no, it's not rice. But it is famously paired with rice, in paella. That's where you may have heard of it. Now I gotta say, the saffron the girl gave us was not great saffron. In fact - and I didn't write this at the time because sometimes she reads my blog - it was damn near flavorless. I think it was the crap grade saffron that the family couldn't sell to wholesalers, so they shoveled if off on their daughter. Who gave it to us. I normally wouldn't use more than a few threads of (good) saffron to flavor an entire pot of chow, because it's so strong. But I had to use that entire quarter cup I described for just a measly pound of shrimp to get any hint of flower dick at all. So now you know! :)
from jimbostaxi :
The short answer is idk ,,,, the long answer is my identity revolves around my job, so if my hours get cut which they soon will be I then in turn suffer identity loss and we can't have a jimbo wandering around with a can asking for change. More jobs = more confidence ( or maybe the real answer might be "F" would be annoyed if I stayed home and rested lol)
from musikoid :
No I'm not going to go back to Berkeley. I just have to be patient. These are just birth pangs. I'm giving birth to the new Andy, the real Andy, the one who never was but always will be. It's hard just sitting here staring at this paycheck I can't do anything with, but eventually I'll have a real wallet with cards in it that I will not lose like a normal person, and the past will totally be past, and I will be all right. I'm just on edge right now, that's all.
from integrating :
I had a terrible understanding of math when I was in college. I had to take 3 remedial courses just to attempt the required the math. I took it and I was failing so I tested out. Then I took it in summer school, nothing but math. My whole summer was about math. I finally got it and kicked math in the ass and made an A!!!
from jimbostaxi :
Locked up for the moment I'll send you a pass-iD if you want
from silver4 :
Hahaha nooo I doubt that...it's a nice thought though! How are you doing these days? Hang in there with school. It's a challenge of course, but you will be proud of yourself in the end!
from shyest :
Does you school offer tutoring? or the professor should have office time for students who need that extra time to go over the material. Tutoring really helped me...Math is a difficult subject and trying to review on your own isn't going to work. Goodluck!!
from musikoid :
Hey let me know if you need any help with your math. I help Echo all the time with hers. Maybe we can do it through Skype. I got the Bank of America math award at my high school, highest score on the M.A.A. test, was invited to take the Putnam at U.C.Davis, scored 12th at Davis, Davis scored 5th in the nation. I can help you bro.
from jimbostaxi :
Yeah man when I think about my problems compared to his I say what a fucking pussy I am he has real fucking problems. I hope he does recover nobody deserves that shit
from musikoid :
I thought it over, and concluded that DiaryLand is the best kept secret on the Internet. Just gotta keep it real.
from erases :
It's not easy being green, my friend.
from integrating :
Thank you for the nice note. :)
from musikoid :
I came back, of course. You and I go way back - and we've been here before.
from dangerspouse :
Sorry about the delay responding. So, another vote for Craigslist, huh? Ok, you've convinced me! I wonder if I should skip the dick pic this time, though. Didn't end well last time, and I was only trying to sell a sofa....
from musikoid :
Leaving D-Land now. No more. We have each other's emails, and I'll send my phone number once I get a cell phone or a land line.
from jimbostaxi :
Dude, I'm so sorry about your mom glad it was just a minor one and she will be ok. I have to keep and eye on "F" over here cause she has had a lot of cardiac problems every so often I have to rush her to the hospital. She's stable for now so I'm happy I hate those bastards at the hospital. As far as work goes 72 hours a week is a drag,, if I cut down to 40 maybe I'll have a life,,,
from musikoid :
Oh! I already have the job, you probably missed the "great news" entry in the midst of all the anxiety.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the notes! What's your mom in the hospital for?i hope you don't mind me asking I know how it feels to want to be by their side and you can't be
from jimbostaxi :
I had to look up empty nest syndrome but yeah that's exactly what I'm going through. If im being perfectly honest with you I was always at work I changed slightly over the years and tried to be more available but probably not enough to their satisfaction. So now the shoe is on the other foot and I'm wanting their attention and they are always working ever hear Cats In The Craddle by Harry Chapin? That song is my situation.
from dangerspouse :
I hope your mom is ok. You didn't mention, but I hope it's nothing serious. And don't give up anime - that would be a REAL tragedy! ;)
from musikoid :
Glad you made that decision. You're going to feel less isolated as you get going with these classes, and you'll no doubt meet some interesting people, among them probably at least one nice lady. If I can think of a quick get-rich scheme that won't land either of us in State Prison, I'll let you know.
from jimbostaxi :
Sorry to hear about your mom :0( I hope she feels better soon! But your other news about class is awesome!!! Fuck sleep it's over rated anyway :0)
from musikoid :
Wow! I was being WAY too hard on myself in that second-to-last note. Had to say something, lest any of your readers peg me erroneously for some kind of religious fanatic. The stress was getting to me, but after I got some money, some food, and then the wallet turned up, and then I turned in a decent interview (and then it was over) my stress level was greatly reduced. Erring on the side of caution, I might want to keep my hand off my dick for a while unless I have to take a leak, but outside of a few swear words here and there, I'm sure I don't strike the Big Guy as being on his Ten Most Wanted list.
from musikoid :
Let me know if you need any help with your math.
from jimbostaxi :
Great note my friend they are strong thanks for the reminder :0)
from musikoid :
The job, if I get it, doesn't start till September 6. I won't ask for an advance - they barely know me and vice-versa. They don't need to know how broke I am. Now I gotta change the locks, change the keys, carry my laptop around wherever I go. Not to mention pay that person back, I can't remember if I said which friend of mine helped me, but somebody who knows what it's like to be poor. I'm a fool to go running in the morning now, I can't leave the laptop in the room. I remember opening the door one time and his girlfriend stared into the room, walking by, scoping it out, didn't even say hi upon seeing me. They're so transparent. Now I'm an easy mark. It will be just like it was in Berkeley. And I signed a year's lease too. I'm wondering if there's some way I can fix an alarm to sound if anybody tries to break in while I'm not home. I told T.J., he said to go to Tom the locksmith. This is all going to cost. I wonder if I should hock my laptop. I could eat well and pay for all the b.s. till it's time to get the check - and that's another thing. No card & the reload center's 22 miles away. Well. I'm repeating myself. The whole thing sucks. It's all my fault too. I shouldn't have taken my newfound peace and freedom for granted. There's important work to be done. Now's not the time to be screwing around, writing music and what-not. Now's the time to get serious for Jesus Christ. No more jacking off in any sense of the word. I've been trampling on God's grace, and it's unbecoming. Plus, all this business of coming back with a vengeance, trying to prove to my brother I'm not "Gravely Disabled" by making a million dollars - that's not what it's all about. I should be growing in Love, and Loving God, and Loving My Neighbor - screw worldly success. I need to turn my heart back to Jesus, before it's too late.
from erases :
Have you heard case/lang/veirs? You're in for a treat: https://youtu.be/CDljUTAxyMo
from integrating :
That's why I was battling with the decision to go with my dad or not. I know how he is and I didn't listen to everyone telling me not to go.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for the note it went ok mostly me staring at her while she ate,,,, small talk about this and that. I tried to set up a follow up lunch for Saturday who knows if she will show up or not. I gave her a big hug when we first came in and a big one when we were leaving.
from dangerspouse :
I think more highly of you now, knowing you would hurt someone. Whew. I think there's hope now. ;) (BTW, sorry for the garbled previous note of mine. One-armed typing + Percoset does not equal clarity. Sheesh. Kudos for being able to decipher.)
from musikoid :
Sent an email to your g-mail.
from erases :
Glad to hear it, and from the looks of it, you've got some amazing friends around here. We're rooting for you!
from musikoid :
Well - I'm sure I don't have anything profound to say, and I certainly can't add to the beauty of what erases and dangerspouse just said. Except maybe to say that - Internet friendships can be really beautiful, and sometimes on DiaryLand I have found that the *identification* that someone has with one of my entries is all I have needed in order to get through the next of the day without falling - or at least without *staying* fallen, once I'm down. It's not how many times you fall, like Rocky Balboa said, but how many times you get up again. And while it is true that anybody can give advice, and also true that people like to advise other people in general, it is even more the truth that one can tell what advice comes from a heart that has gone out to you, as both if these other two of your DiaryLand friends have just done, and clearly, the words that come from a heart that obviously cares about you, have so much more import than mere advice given by those who merely like to advise. You get that a lot in "real life," and in my case I sometimes have wondered, in my previous situation where I had to "rough it" for many years without a place to hang my hat, how many of these people who offered advice would even so much as let me into their front door to go take a shower in their bathroom? Not many. But you would have let me inside your house to take a shower, had you lived around the corner. You would have not immediately stigmatized me as "one of them" like most of the people in that last city I lived in for five years or so did. It might be that you could use a change of scene - maybe Kansas City is getting to you in some way. Or maybe you just need to get out more, smell the roses, and find that in many ways it is a beautiful world. When we isolate we tend to emphasize the worst - especially as we look backwards toward the past. My personal opinion is that life changes us as the years pile up, and that we don't have to really go about forcing the issue - not that often anyway. And besides, in the Good Lord's eyes you are *not* a failure, because there's no success or failure in God's eyes - to my estimation, but what will concern the Judge (if there is a Judge, I'm a bit Old School as you know) - is were you a good son to your mama? Yes you were. Did you mistreat people on this planet. No you did not - we both know you would not hurt a flea. So take heart. You're a good guy, D, and God loves you. And so do I.
from dangerspouse :
Cloudy, that one of the sadder notes I've gotten in a while. Particularly in the context of your most recent entry. One of the saddest things is, I have nothing to offer other than what the internet ALWAYS offers: empty platitudes and trite advice. So while "Buck up! You never know when you'll meet The One. It'll probably happen when you're not even looking. I'm sure your soul mate will "get you" the way mine gets me. You're not as pathetic as you think you are. Of course you can, with effort and good heart, better yourself! etc." may all be sincere, but it sure sucks to hear them - time and time and time again - when you're down. I know, because I went through it too. For years. Sucks. But what else can I say? I do mean everything above in quotes there, but after offering all that I'm pretty impotent. On the other hand I'm really glad you liked my proposal/wedding anniversary story. I hope you get to write like that yourself someday. Don't worry about the fried rice. You'll get to it when you get to it. And finally: VEGETARIAN?! I take back all the platitudes ;)
from erases :
Thanks for the note, man. A cover. Covers'r all I do, or post, rather. Older also doesn't mean dead. I struggle to find motivation, and I fall into similar holes that you do. I don't know the song, but I bet it's a good one. I think a life like ours is full of ups and downs, with seemingly more downs than up. It doesn't mean that we give up. The fact that we're writing here means we don't want to, but the fact that we write here also means that a part of us can't stop falling into the fire. I find that those that don't write or write as often have found other ways to vent their days, or simply, have found a happiness. Almost as if they broke free, and they're flying high somewhere with bounds of joy. Less is more, my friend... or one could suppose. Don't worry about trying to be your old self. Focus on who you want to be today. Today is the only thing you have in your hands at the moment. Change doesn't have to start right away. It can be any time, but life is an hourglass. Our sand is running downward by the minute. Don't waste a grain, and I'll try to do the same.
from jimbostaxi :
My kids got a good heart and if that's the path she chooses so be it, Im having trouble letting go but eventually I'll be able to deal with it. As for as the movie thing goes my life is way to complacent so that was just a way of mixing it up a bit. Thanks for the note :0)
from musikoid :
My ex and my daughter Echo lived in Missouri for a while. Do you ever encounter, what do they call those things, chiggers? Jan said she had a horrible time with them when they were building their house, on an acreage they'd bought, somewhere near Springfield. Anyway, sorry about the spider bite and staph infection - glad you're healing. Also, I know what it's like to have an oasis to return to. I used to be like that when my parents were still alive and I could return to their house in Stockton CA from Davis CA where I was going to college at U.C. It was always a warm feeling, and I would come back to Davis feeling refreshed.
from dangerspouse :
Welcome back! It's sweet that you know you'll always have a welcoming sanctuary you can visit. Does the body and soul both good, y'know? The big question for me, though, is: which town has better BBQ? My money's on KC.... :)
from dangerspouse :
Hey, I just saw that you've added me in as a Favorite. Thanks, I'm flattered! I'll return the favor. BTW, what anime(s) are you following on CrunchyRoll? I've just started getting into anime recently and could use a good recommendation if ya got one. Thanks again :)
from musikoid :
I must be getting old, because I somehow forgot that I had already left you a note on your last entry (the two-sentence one). I think I need to be honest and admit that I was fooling myself (and thus being dishonest with myself) when I said I could be totally honest with Cary - because I can't. I find myself always playing games with people in those 12-step programs, because I've been to so many meetings in the past 28 years that the energy has worn thin on me, and the more I get to know people who have succeeded at attaining sobriety in those programs, the more I feel like there's something missing in them, some essential uniqueness of personal integrity that is independent of the 12-Step paradigm, and it saddens me I can't get close to *any* of them. But -- that's not what you were talking about. That's why I left a second note. You're talking about establishing a bond with someone, not in an "official" way as has to do with solving some kind of formal problem of yours -- but just a bond, like a real union, someone whom you can truly relate to - a friend, a brother, a girlfriend, what-have-you. I write because I find myself thinking the same thing, now that I'm "inside" -- even though I've only been inside for a little over a week now. It would definitely be nice to have a friend with whom I can start anew, and not play games, and not be full of b.s. all the time, but really just be my true self, whom I am today, not who I was, or used to be, or want to be. So - I just wanted to validate that for you. I hope I made some sense.
from musikoid :
I have a hard time establishing new bonds - partly this is due to age. As we get older, we don't flex as easily. We become more concerned with maintaining current relationships than forming new ones. However, I have found that I can be totally honest with my sponsor, this guy Pastor Cary, and that his input is usually spot-on and very insightful. That of course means you have to join a twelve-step program of some kind. But he doesn't force me to go to meetings - he's just a guy I check in with every day. Just a thought.
from musikoid :
Insight - my card that the government money gets posted on. There's no rhyme or reason to its time of arrival.
from musikoid :
Art said his 26-year-old daughter has a phobia about men, something about a traumatic experience and she now has come home from college. So I can't stay in the cabin. It sort of sounded like it might have been bull, but I don't know that, so I'll take him at his word. She's always seemed nice to me. He might just be protective over her, like a Dad. The move to the hometown - yes sounds very good. I just talked to the guy on the phone, he's really nice. But I need to come up with a bridge loan because I want to put the money down tomorrow but I won't have it till possibly the 1st - you never know with Insight.
from musikoid :
About getting out more, I think it's a matter of balance. We naturally seek out the situations and happenings that are getting less attention on the scales. In my case, for example, I'm often seeking to read more (and write less) when I'm on my computer. To listen more (and talk less) when with other people. These things go against my habit-practices, but could well enlarge my spiritual condition, as well as improve my standing with others. + About the glasses, I was recently examined - turns out I'm 20/25 in the left eye and 20/70 in the right eye. I'm supposed to get some 125 readers and some 200 readers and screw the 125 lens into the left eye and the 200 lens into the right eye. An optometrist told me that.
from musikoid :
I did some online research. She's definitely alive. I deleted my entry. She and I had more than just a DiaryLand friendship. I do remember the last night we skyped. Can't help but think it had something to do with it. I guess things went a little too far. Not what you might be thinking - but far enough. She's married and what a lot of people don't know is that she's also deeply religious. So am I. Well - I'll see her in heaven, if not on Earth.
from musikoid :
The conversation with the two officials was really weird. I continually got the feeling they weren't believing me. Either that, or they were seriously about finding a scapegoat. I sort of felt like Jonah when they drew lots to kick him off the boat to stop the storm from sinking the ship. They acted as though I had "brought" the contagious viral disease to the shelter - not "caught" it there. In reality, I was the only guy who was either naive enough or responsible enough to go to the doctor over it. Everybody else was keeping their trap shut so as not to lose their bed. Me, on the other hand, couldn't stand being cooped up in there being sick with all the wheezing and sneezing. I've been slowly recovering since sleeping outdoors again, which is by now second nature to me. I'm sure God's next move will be to stick me in the belly of some damn whale and cough me up on the Berkeley Marina. That the population of Nineveh in those days was the same 120,000 as that of Berkeley these days isn't helping matters. I'll go back and tell every thug with gun drawn to repent if that's what I have to do to get well.
from jimbostaxi :
"Drama Queen" he wasn't overly flamboyant if you get my drift but he did love the drama. It caught us all by surpise he died alone in the dark with no immediate family,,,,, "life is fleeting so don't waste a second on anything that doesn't make you smile" Jamie Hall
from jimbostaxi :
Yes, it's a bummer ,,, i live way too much in the past , the funny part about that is I've had a shitty past I should welcome the future,,, but I don't.
from musikoid :
I did. It was upper crust and not high intellect. I felt really out of place. But then after the meeting, all these people came up to me and were really supportive and welcoming. I was actually deeply moved afterwards. I think I'll go next week too - if I'm still in the area. (See my entry.) I forgot to mention I applied for a summer job that I held for four summers in a row once in times gone by. I noticed that the children's company had the same producer, and she'll remember me. Hopefully she'll remember the bright, charming, talented Andy and overlook the one who flipped out on her after his Mom died.
from musikoid :
Sorry that position got filled. You could pretty easily take that particular post off-hospital. If it makes you feel any better, I know a custodian who ran for U.S. Congress at one point.
from musikoid :
I can relate. Not that I've ever watched the 'tween show' (or just about any other TV show nowadays, for that matter) - but my own daughter is pretty much the spittin' image of my more youthful, animated, expressive, idealistic self. Even at 30, she still seems to have that joy and love of life, one sort of learns to subdue with age - for some ungodly reason. Anyhoo - I enjoyed seeing those words.
from musikoid :
Hey thanks for the note. I think Phil and I will reconnect at some point, maybe even sooner than I think. I just gotta stay clean, that's the main thing.
from jimbostaxi :
Aaaaa yes Fishel I remember now,,, ok ok your forgiven :0)
from silver4 :
I think I may have seen some of the ghost whisperer before actually..that was a good show! Yea, I'm not really giving up, I just never cared to try to catch the bouquets at weddings, even when I was little. I hated it, and it stuck with me! I did get one at one of my best friend's wedding several years back, but I certainly did not try to! Thanks for your kind words...I don't know if I deserve all that lol..who knows what lies ahead. Just have to sit back, pour a glass of wine, and eat some popcorn as I watch my story continue! We all have our silly woes I haven't watched girl meets world.. Any new relationship prospects in your world?
from jimbostaxi :
Girl meets world huh? Hmmmmm I'm your buddy so I'll be gentle ,, time for a testosterone shot lol. I totally get what your saying but only after I listen to my Spice Girls album :0)
from musikoid :
I hope you get that new position. In a way, you'll have more time off, especially considering that there is less travel time involved. It's good of you, though, to acknowledge gratitude for your employment, and it's good that you have been thoughtful and considerate in helping your mama.
from musikoid :
I left out a word; I meant to write: "Thanks for calling me on my shit" - and that's a good thing. I knew you were sympathetic, but you also knew that later I would regret having been so vitriolic. Family has a way of being really screwy compared to other types of relationships. They probably think I'm clingy, but it seems to me that they're distant. I was like that even before I was outside.
from dangerspouse :
Great! Yeah, definitely let me know how you fared if you try it again. (BTW, those are not technically "soy sauce" even if they're made with soy. Just ask for "Hoisin sauce" or "Chee hou sauce".) Good luck! Now go have another doughnut :)
from lostasyou :
I find I relate to a lot of what you're writing about lately. I guess it's nice, in a way. At least it means we're not alone.
from musikoid :
Yes, go ahead and delete the note, if you haven't already. Come to think of it, I don't see it here - so thanks for doing so. I was obviously incensed. I did send him an apology, and actually I posted the apology in an entry. Yes, I was definitely very harsh with him. It happens sometimes, especially when lifelong sibling rivalry is aroused. Thanks for calling on my shit. Love you bro.
from dangerspouse :
Hey, sorry about the delay responding to your note. I was posting bail or something. Anyway, on to your fried rice fuckup. You know what I'm stumped by? You say you used dark soy - and not just dark soy, but TWICE AS MUCH dark soy since you didn't have light - and your rice still came out pale and wan. How is this possible?? A lot of Chinese restaurants I've been to use only dark soy, about a tablespoon per cup of cooked rice as far as I can tell, and it always produces that brown hue. And if you used enough to make it "salty as all, out fuck!", then it should have been practically ebony color also. My guess is that you may have been using too little soy and/or adding it too late in the process, AND using a salty filling. What I would do, assuming you wanted to keep the same ingredients, is add a dark color sweeter sauce as an enhancement along with the soy. I like hoisin or chee hou, personally, particlarly the latter. If you have 5-spice powder that is also a nice flavor that may mitigate some saltiness. But if I were you, I'd also really concentrate on the method: heat a wok w/ a fair amount of oil, break your egg in and stir it around, add longer cooking ingredients and cook a bit, then add the rice (works best with day old rice, not fresh, and long-grained) and continue stirring and breaking up the rice for a few minutes while it cooks through. Then add your sauce(s), any spice, and quicker cooking ingredients (say, shrimp or such) and stir to even out the color. That should do it, and if it doesn't then the law of physics and chemistry don't apply any more. In which case you should write to me and I'll make you a vid of me making fried rice and upload it to my YouTube channel for you to sneer at. And maybe learn what the fuck you're doing wrong. Finally. Because, y'know, #blackricematters
from jimbostaxi :
You know how that quote goes " idle penis is the devils workshop" lol
from silver4 :
Oops just saw your note, I didn't actually say anything to the teacher dude. He is also of a different cultural background, and I kind of wanted to pass it as maybe a friend thing for him? I just know if there were any advances made, I would have shut that down. But yes, I attract the old and the young apparently! Just not the ones I want in the middle!! Haha Are you looking for a new job? You don't sound happy there. I think it's time for some change!!
from silver4 :
You should get that tattoo, it sounds nice! Especially if it's something you've always wanted and not a spur of the moment one. I have two, and I let both ideas sit in my head for years before I got each one to make sure I wanted to do them
from jimbostaxi :
Ever see the tv show Kung Fu ? "when you are able to snatch this pebble from my hand it will be time for you to leave" you go get that tattoo and study martial arts! Everyone's searching for that inner peace I wish you luck on your journey
from silver4 :
Why don't you take cooking classes at the local community college or university? Sounds like you enjoy experimenting with food. It's a start, and will get you back into the groove of school, and maybe motivate you into figuring out what makes you happy and what you may want to do? I'm always an advocate for education :)
from integrating :
Thank you for the very nice note. :)
from dangerspouse :
How did you make your fried rice? Maybe I can help you make it the thing of glory you always dreamed it could be! Or at least, you know, better.
from erases :
we all walk back into the fire, and burn.
from musikoid :
Thank you so much for the most encouraging note: "I think that you are special and that your music will serve a very special purpose in this world." You also wrote: "I'm sure your music will be heard, loved and embraced by the world over." These were both very encouraging things to say, true votes of extreme confidence. The whole note was very encouraging. As to the place I can call my own, I don't recall anything like that having emerged recently. In the meantime, I still consider other things, like a room at Bonita House - maybe that's what you're referring to. I did write about that, though it would just be a room in a house, it would my own room, and lockable. I can also have my laptop there. But I have to get referrals from a therapist and a psychiatrist first, and also see if I can afford it. It would be a good thing to do if I return to Berkeley. Meanwhile, I'm on the other side of the San Francisco Bay, further down the Peninsula than San Francisco, and I don't plan to go back any time soon. I'll be trying to get into one of the shelters here, if for no other reason than it suddenly becomes really easy to always have clean clothes and to shower every morning. One feels so much better about that, it enables one to face situations - such as interviews and important appointments - that otherwise one is too embarrassed to face.
from jimbostaxi :
One step at a time my friend exactly right :0)
from jimbostaxi :
This little experiment was good for me I got to see how it is on the outside,I'm still here and that's sad but I'm not giving up I'm just going to try harder the next time around you'll see! :0) thanks for the note
from silver4 :
Good for you to start cooking!! It's way better. I slack and buy fast food at lunch sometimes, but it's so much better to just cook and know what's in your food. Sometimes I get an upset stomach from outside food. Hope you are doing well and things are positive for you!
from jimbostaxi :
My posts are usually on the darker side so I figured hey let's put a happy one up there :0)
from musikoid :
I couldn't manage the insurance to get me into New Bridge. They recommended Bonita House because it takes my Medi-Medi insurance. I got a letter back telling me that the only way to get into Bonita House is by referral from a clinician. So I would first have to go about getting a therapist and a psychologist, to confirm my diagnosis, to write my prescriptions, and to refer me to Bonita House. Then there has to be an available room, so I get on the waiting list. But once I'm in, I'd have my own room with a lock on the door, though I would participate in chores and maybe cooking of meals. I'd have to make a complete commitment. But since there is also the Options Recovery Program, which is right next to MASC, and does not require that I take any medication at all -- only that I don't smoke in addition to use alcohol or recreational drugs. That might be better. I've never functioned well in the world that centers on psychiatry and medications and so forth. Or maybe I did function well, just not *extremely* well -- and so I got bored. But anyway, all these possibilities are in Berkeley. There is also the possibility of leaving Berkeley. I think the only reason to justify moving to another city at this point is if my life were in danger. That said, I believe my life may be in danger.
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks my friend :0) I'm not going lie I'm nervous
from fragilegirl8 :
I feel the same as you. Check out meetup.com .....that's what I did.
from musikoid :
I sometimes speak too casually about boredom. Boredom can be a real enemy to the spirit. Decisions I make when bored are often poor. The only reason for making them is to alleviate the boredom. Had I not been bored, I wouldn't have thought about such things. I also think that if people have a lot of projects or activities going on, and there is a lapse in the flow of these activities, they experience a sudden need to be functioning at the same pace as the missing activities. People get this way who are workaholics, and I'm in that category. There are also cynical people who use boredom as a device to communicate to others that their ideas and situations are not interesting enough to warrant their attention. They look off and yawn and clear their throats in the middle of somebody's discourse, as though they're beyond such things, and sometimes even say: "You bore me." When I allude to being easily bored, I'm partly trying top impress people with the idea that the sorts of things worthy of occupying my brilliant mind are intricate and ornate enough to make up for all the mundane, uninteresting crap you see going around in the lives of people who are less intelligent or gifted than I am. This of course is bullshit, because when something happens to catch my attention, it has nothing at all to do with what's going on in other people's lives, but is a thing of its own nature. I only say that because there isn't anything grabbing my attention at that moment, other than the conversation that is boring me, and it sort of pisses me off, and I want to assert my intellectual superiority over whoever I'm with. They say that sociopaths get bored really easily. I know a woman who's a sociopath, and she is like that. I've been told by Christians that if a Christian is ever bored, it may be a sign that he's not even a Christian, or that he never received the Holy Spirit. All in all, boredom kinda sucks, but at the same time it's natural for one to begin to feel more of it if he immerses himself in activities that have short half lives, in terms of how much meaning can be derived from them over x amount of time. Almost all of America turns not only to random youtubes and what-ot whem bored but to porn sites and a lot of less healthy diversions. We should all turn to God instead at those times, I think. Identifying with sociopathy is nothing to be proud of. Boredom is a spiritual enemy.
from jimbostaxi :
I try so hard to go everyday ,,,, but I fail sometimes ... Thanks for the note :0)
from integrating :
Hi there. Thanks for the note. =)
from musikoid :
Word on the streets is I'm a "scaredy-cat" and that those types are always the first to die. I've been totally paranoid all day. Now I feel okay because I just downed the better part of a lager. I'm in some high class joint. I might write an entry. Pray for me.
from jimbostaxi :
Sometimes all it takes is someone to light a fire under our feet just to get us started on the path of change. Me I'm working 12-14 hours a day then race home and then race to the bus place why? Because I want change,,,,, thanks for the note my friend :0)
from integrating :
I'm doing good. The only thing saving my sanity is my church. I was confirmed into the church and had first communion at Easter. Wonderful day for me. By Tuesday my aunt had me so depressed. I am tolerating my aunt's bullying and my cousin's anti-hygiene regimen as best as I can. I am saving money for a vehicle because that is my only way out. I keep praying for the perfect vehicle for me and for the perfect place for me to live.
from integrating :
Hi! Glad you came back even though you don't sound too good. If you don't care about anything at all you are clinically depressed. Are you taking anything for depression?
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, good to see you back my friend :0) it's weird how things go wasn't expecting to make friends but she's up really late and I work all night were up while the rest of the worlds asleep so we make small talk kick the shit around sometimes it just helps to have a body ,,.. Anybody,,,, especially since both of us have little to no friends.
from musikoid :
I suspect you actually have much more to say than you are saying. Then again, I should talk. I usually have much less to say than I'm saying. Oh well. I have a new oral injury whereby I feel an intense pain when pronouncing certain consonants - t's, r's, and l's. I felt around and found that there's a little semi-tooth that has formed and is jutting out of the gum. Probably this is an effect of an incomplete dental job when I had my molar no. 31 yanked at Emergency, and it took them a half hour, and they had to do it in five pieces. But whatever, I still think that God is punishing me for doing hard drugs for the past nine years. I hope I've learned my lesson. I hope His punishment "takes."
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, what's been going on? Just dropped in to say hi :0)
from catsoul :
I too feel that way at times. It is hard for me to tell someone what I am truly feeling because I usually am the one who listens and helps others out. Take Care. =^..^=
from musikoid :
Things are getting better. Thanks.
from silver4 :
Thank you!
from integrating :
Try joining a group and you will make some new friends.
from dangerspouse :
On reflection, I think just packing the TV up and storing it somewhere makes more sense than getting rid of it entirely. I can't expect my own experience to be universal, and if you find you can't live without it after a few weeks I'd hate to think you took my advice and couldn't get it back. Well, whatever you decide, I hope it's a positive for you. Thanks for asking about me and wifey! To answer your question: my wife and I decided early on that we most definitely do not want children. She didn't want to stop racing motorcycles, nor did I, and frankly...I just don't like children. It wouldn't be fair to bring something into the world only to despise it. So before getting married I got snipped, and that fixed any worries about that. Ergo, this upcoming surgery will have no effect on that decision :)
from dangerspouse :
I don't think I was ever happier than during the three years I lived without a TV. It just hit me one day that I was scheduling my life around the shows I liked, and was experiencing more and more things vicariously rather than actually. The day I set the set out on the curb my life transformed. Forced to fill time I revisited old hobbies, and took up new ones. It was the most satisfying stretch of existence I still have ever had. If I hadn't gotten married to a woman who insists on having one in the house, I'd still be living like that. If you're considering doing that, I say go for it. It's initially jolting, but you'll very rapidly see vast improvements in your life.
from jimbostaxi :
No work = no money so I'll be here slaving away
from musikoid :
I'm like way better now. My friend Pattie called the mobile crisis unit at my request, and this Italian cop came into Starbucks - he was really animated, said they were looking all over for me the previous day, but nobody knew what I looked like and they couldn't find me because I was jumping from place to place so fast. Got in the ambulance and slept twenty-five miles to the hospital, where they konked me out for three days. I remember on what I guess was the 3rd day, this doc came up and asked me what was going on. I said I had lost my pad and then lost my job and got discouraged before I started acting out - he said WOW you need to go to "Shasta" which turned out to be this two-week dry-out, really good food, three meals a day, coffee, seconds and dessert, I chowed down. Both my roommates were totally cool guys. Got out yesterday morning and have been chalking up the cash to get my scripts filled. Man those meds are out-of-this world. Anyway I'm back in B-Town and pretty much on the beam. Thank you cloudy-night for your kind words. I might paste this to my D-Land, I just got down scoring my "Sirens of Hope" piece, there's a 1:25 snippet of it on the usual url. I started from scratch. Gonna rest now -- take care.
from jimbostaxi :
Dude, they fucking killed Han! Ughhhh and the ending come on now I was really pissed about that and you are right there were many similarities to the first one. They kind of tweaked it a little for this generation I mean it was good but I did feel let down :0(
from jimbostaxi :
Hey happy new year! Thanks for the note :0) twins huh? You guys ever switch places to fool anyone? Did you look into any jobs at other hospitals or are looking into leaving your field altogether?
from integrating :
We're laughing about it now. Only next year I shall wear safety goggles and pay more attention to the fireworks!
from integrating :
Didn't know you had a twin brother! Twins fascinate me....Also, you didn't say what the suits were for?
from integrating :
Happy New Year's Eve!
from integrating :
Good to see a new entry. Have yourself a merry little Christmas :)
from jimbostaxi :
Merry early Xmas . Feel free to drop on by leave a comment not afraid of the jinx :0)
from musikoid :
You did mention earlier that you feel as though each time you comment on what's going on in one of your friend's lives (as reported on DiaryLand), something immediately goes wrong with that person right after you said something. I just want to say that, if I'm one of those people, I've never noticed any such correlation. But that choice is yours; it's just nice to get notes from people here, but that's all part of the whole DiaryLand mystique, which we don't have to reverence to the letter. Anyway, yeah, that was a great entry. It was detailed, and really informative. You've had a decent job for a while; you know what a relationship with a certain sort of Woman looks for you; I think when the time is right, you'll find someone with whom you click. Well -- good to hear from you, as always.
from whystinger :
If you want a new job - go for it, same with the the bachelor's degree. Get it and don't look back. Being a thirty or forty something will not really hamper you job search,so go for that too. Good luck, stay positive and about the woman - go for what you want and where there is a connection.
from integrating :
Talking about Kris going to the church thanksgiving dinner...he actually showed up at our family dinner. He disappeared without saying a word to anyone. It was just like, "where'd kris go?" That's just the way he is.
from musikoid :
I was 32 when I had my daughter. I hope you accomplish your goals.
from silver4 :
Sounds like you have a nice little to-do list of things to learn there! You can get through them all. Start small or ease into it all. You will feel accomplished along the way and it will motivate you to accomplish the next task. Good luck! I have my own list of things to do or improve upon. Sucks you didn't get to do your thanksgiving cooking; next time!!
from fragilegirl8 :
Don't feel bad. You can't help everyone. I usually just go by my gut instinct and whether I have money to give to those to look like they need help.
from integrating :
thank you :)
from enurta :
i don't have your e-mail btw, if i am allowed to have it, can andy send it to me?
from enurta :
i understand cloudy...and you are not a bad person. your intention was good and God knows that. don't think about it any more, just leave it. just try to have 1 dollar bills in your wallet next time and give who seems in need a dollar....you are a good person. i understand the frustration. xoxo
from musikoid :
Jimbo is right. You can tell after a while. I've gotten good at it, partly because I've been homeless lots of years out of my life, surrounded by hustlers and con artists, and also surrounded by people in legitimate need. After a while you can tell the difference. One thing to bear in mind, however, is that some people have severe mental health disorders. Eleven burritos? Maybe she's one of them. Also, did she ever actually *say* she was homeless? There are impoverished people who have microwaves in the rat holes in which they live, who still have to fish food out of trash cans. She might have been figuring she'd save up. But once again, *eleven* burritos? Why eleven? I don't think you're a horrible person at all, but you ought to have put a stop to that. Seriously. Couldn't you have told her to put nine of them back?
from jimbostaxi :
I have to constantly run the gauntlet of beggars, drug addictts and con artists who hang outside the 7-11 just to buy a gallon of milk in my neighborhood. I know who's who you can tell after while. The best thing least for me is not to give money to any of them but on occasion if someone looks like they are in dire need I will try and help them. Over here they mistake your kindness for weakness better to turn your heart to stone than become the next statistic in the police homicide file.
from integrating :
Hey Buddy...I felt like you for so long. I moved out here in April and was depressed cuz I had nothing to do. I joined a local church and asked if someone could pick me up and give me a ride. Two new friends there. We go out to lunch after church every week. They have introduced me to people and I have a sponsor since I am converting to Catholicism and going through classes to be confirmed. Meeting people through the classes. I look forward to church every Sunday....Something to think about. :)
from enurta :
yay an entry!!! i missed you xoxo
from musikoid :
The entry you wrote on your phone on the 25th and submitted just now is deep and profound. Furthermore I was feeling the same way just before I read it, and while I read it. It was depressing, but it caused me to feel a deeper identication with you, as well as a closer connection with my own deep depression, that ordinarily I suppress through artistic and musical endeavors. Maybe a hobby will help? I am not sure I want to keep up this path. Sobriety is a good thing, and my overall competence and effectiveness in life is greater. But these deep feelings are sometimes too much to bear. Too deep.
from musikoid :
Wow - I'm a lot better now. We've talked, and thanks for emailing me. It's always darkest before the dawn. I'm still sober - 15 days today, and I don't need pot either. This is my 4th day on bipolar meds, and I think they're starting to kick in. About your entry, it might be that you gave up a little too easily with that gal, because who knows why she felt shitty? That could be all her stuff, and maybe she just needs to process. But what I really notice is that, although you say you haven't grown, you truly have, cloudy-night. I feel a little guilty when I read you because you are so earnest and sincerely seeking. Although I think I am too, I often just "loosen up" in my diary. I use it as an emotional trash can and just let out whatever happens to be on my mind. I don't even try, don't even care sometimes. But in life, and in my notes to others, I do try, and I do care. You are a good person, D. Don't be so down on yourself.
from musikoid :
Can't read right now, can't focus. Near suicide. Eleven days sober and miserable. On my way back to Berkeley to obtain marijuana. I hope I don't fall. I hope I don't use meth.
from musikoid :
Can't read right now, can't focus. Near suicide. Eleven days sober and miserable. On my way back to Berkeley to obtain marijuana. I hope I don't fall. I hope I don't use meth.
from musikoid :
This may sound strange (coming from me), but after reading your recent brief entry, I think you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about seeking professional help. It's not as though there's anything major really wrong with you; it's just that it sounds like you may be suffering from a form of depression that is not based strictly on circumstance. In other words, you might be able to get a diagnosis of Major Depression and some medication that will be helpful -- probably a serotonin reuptake inhibitor such as Prozak or Zoloft. Those medications don't do anything for me, but I have found I am helped by a mood stabilizer of the older variety, such as tegretol; or the slightly newer one they have me on, which is depakote. I unfortunately lost all my depakote when my backpack was stolen, but I'm not at all opposed to taking it, or ashamed or embarrassed or anything. I know I'm mentally ill. It's just that I don't allow it to define me. Therapy along with medication will probably help more than you know.
from integrating :
I just noticed we both like Hemingway and J.D. Salinger...right on...Thanks for the uplifting note. I guess I've done all I can do. Leave the rest up to the gods.
from musikoid :
Maybe try -- pinpointing the things that drag you down, that draw you inward or to tenuous associations with people, places or things -- maybe just pinpoint the moments that this happens, and then practice not letting yourself get dragged down at those instances. Then you might find yourself gradually rising above the place of your bewilderment, and regaining the misplaced focus and zest or zeal without your having to fetch it out. Remember, you cannot shovel out the darkness; you can only turn on the light.
from musikoid :
When you mentioned you were turning 34, my first thought, as a fellow almost twice your age, was to think: "Thirty-four...what was I doing when I was 34? It seems like an important year somehow." Then I remembered. It wasn't exactly like you, because I've always thought I have known what I am supposed to be doing with my life, that it has something to do with music, and probably in a religious sense. If that weren't true, God wouldn't have given me musical talent, or made sure that I was a musical prodigy at an early age. I have always been driven. Yet - I have always failed. Or - if I succeeded, it was only for a short time, before my natural sense of being a failure, being "less than" all the others, kicked in. My own insecurities would cause me to "fail" -- and so in this way, I am much like you -- only you're not a failure (you only think you are), and same with me, sorta. So when I was 34, I was putting all my energy into writing a musical because I had lost my job and my wife had left me, so I had to amp up the creative denial by which I have always avoided depression and other painful feelings, as well as the realities that trigger them. This led to my first arrest. When I was 34 I was arrested twice, two weeks apart, on multiple charges (five) -- and there went the musical. You're better off than me, I believe, because you do not deny your feelings or your realities. I wish I could write in the plain, honest style that so becomes you. But I'm too used to denying the negative in my life, even though I know it's there. I'm too used to escaping the pain, and creating Music and Writing and Art -- and when these disciplines became insufficient to thwart off the pain, I added drugs to the mix, so I could create Music, Writing, and Art while high on drugs, feeling no pain. I don't know if that helped you or not, but that's what I can contribute, today.
from musikoid :
Wow - I am SO sorry I have been so preoccupied with my own perennial problems, I thought I had only missed two of your entries, but it looks like I've missed more like five. I'll comment on the most recent one first.
from fragilegirl8 :
I'll be 34 at the end of the year and I feel the same way.
from integrating :
Thank You
from integrating :
Hey there...glad you had a nice vacation. :)
from musikoid :
You won't spend the rest of your days wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere - you're not the type. You're a free spirit. You're a free agent. One day you'll find your niche, and you'll be happy there, even if ninety percent of the people you know don't think you belong there. All you have to do is believe in yourself, and give it time. Thanks for dropping a line.
from enurta :
I envy you so much about the family part. I wish I had a big, loving family like that :) and about the car thing...girls are shallow. but there's good ones out there too! you'll meet someone when you least expect it....I promise <3
from a-d-w :
i am like that with fb too, to the poibt that i have considered ditching it altogether, not a good time to come away discontented. i don't have a cure for it, just wanted to commiserate
from musikoid :
Oh - I don't have to spend $600/mo on food. I just meant that there would be $600 left over after rent, if it all worked out that way. Knowing me, I probably would spend most of it on food -- but I can eat on a lot less than that, if I'm smart about it. On the other subject, I'm still doing A.A. but I think that the change of environment by moving to a different County has helped me to get enough space to get my head together around that subject. I always felt like I was being targeted in Berkeley. Less so here. So it's like a fresh start. I'm not sure why rents are so high here in comparison with other States. Burlingame is even higher than other places because it's a rich White town. The cities that are more heterogenous have lower rents in general. Thanks for noting me. :)
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note. I am doing better; I had to release myself from the grip of my sponsor. The desires to use have stopped. They may come back; they may not. I migrated south to a different town where there is also an all-night donut shop and am working on a transcription job now. I have a plan for the Big Check when it comes (today or tomorrow) and I know I will be all right. I know you're my friend. Maybe we can Skype sometime.
from musikoid :
Sorry if that was weird.
from musikoid :
I'm pretty sure you're the only one who reads my diary -- so -- just saying (put of insecurity, perhaps) -- I hope that's not the last note you ever leave me. It had a sense of finality about it. But then again, I may be reading too much into it. Oh God -- things are going all right. 19 days of sobriety now, and 19 days of not writing a damn note of music. I keep wondering if it's worth it. But I keep remembering that there was *some* reason why I wasn't supposed to dip into the devil dirt -- I just can't remember what the reason was. Something to do with my personal relationships, I think -- it must have been. All I remember is that all these really unhealthy people who smoked hella cigarettes and were fatter than fuck kept telling me I was about to "die" -- and I kept looking at them through the eyes of my vital signs thinking: "I'm gonna outlive ALL of you motherfuckers!!" I'll talk to my sponsor about it. I'm sure he has some insights. Take care.
from minstrelite :
I read your entry from two days ago. When I am confused, I often question myself. If I put it down on paper, it will often lead to an answer, if I persist.
from musikoid :
Also, I meant to add that I agree with the first theory. You never hit it. No matter how low you go, there's a lower bottom out there waiting for you. It's just a matter of how low somebody wants to go, before they decide to start going up again, instead of down. (This of course presupposes that there's an up-and-down or high-and-low to it all in the first place, which also is debatable.) Thanks for being such a good friend, man.
from musikoid :
I meant to thank you for your profound note. When you have a chance, this is about the bottom - http://www.sodahead.com/living/does-a-person-have-to-become-miserable-in-order-to-change/question-4491199/
from musikoid :
What she says below is true, and it's even worse in Berkeley than in San Francisco or in any other place where I've lived. It is not a sin to avoid somebody; and you are not responsible for that fellow's condition. You are only one of many people who will pass by him, some of whom will give him change, and some not. It's interesting, however, that it would make you feel guilty in not helping him, given those things. I think it shows that you are an unusually compassionate human being -- a man with a heart of gold. Now you need only figure out a healthy and proper channel through which your heart can manifest its gold. No doubt you are destined to do great things on this Earth. I am convinced of that.
from silver4 :
You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to be asked to give your change etc to people. It gets exhausting because sometimes you can't go anywhere without being asked. Sometimes I go to places with just the amount I need so that I don't purchase unnecessary items, and it wouldn't have anything to spare to others. You work to get your money, so that you can support yourself. Unfortunately, life experiences do not always go positively for some people, and it is a struggle for them to get money. Just give when you can, to the people who seem to be in need, but you can't feel obligated to give to everyone, because then you won't have anything leftover for yourself in the end. This would lead to you struggling to pay your bills or rent etc. If I have leftover after a leave a store, I will give that up. It is difficult because you want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but remember that some of them can be playing you and jumping into their Mercedes right after they collect for the day. Sadly, there's a bunch of those scammers out here in Las Vegas! It makes you a skeptic towards people. Kind of a rant there. Hang in there though, you will surpass your life struggles. It just takes time for us all!
from musikoid :
I meant to say, with regards to your note, that I agree with you about A.A. & the 12-Step approach to recovery. The only reason I ever keep going is if it's cold outside and/or I really need a morning cup of coffee at a time when I don't have any money. It's devolved into just another one of those "homeless options" here in Berkeley, of which there are usually two or three at any given moment. I haven't found many that take place at 7am, however -- and unfortunately I'm still banned from the Community Breakfast.
from musikoid :
Oh - thanks for your note. I just read it, and I guess you read my entry from earlier today. I read your entry and wrote my note before I read yours and wrote this. Just validating that, fwiw.
from musikoid :
I know how you feel too. But I don't think it's so much "defilement" as it is natural in the human design to want such suppressed desires to be fulfilled, at least on occasion. Somehow, in relegating sex to the gutter, the only ways in which it comes to us seem usually to be through the more sordid channels of life, such as bars where alcohol is used to loosen the inhibitions, but where the preponderance of sexual interactions among total strangers can lead to problems. A wedding, while still involving the social lubricant, might be a safer venue for such a search if you have an idea where you're headed in the meantime. I don't think out conceptions of sin around the sexual experience have been useful for humanity. Even the biblical commandment only says "thou shalt not commit adultery." This implies fucking around with someone who's already in a committed relationship with someone else, thus causing problems for that person and stepping on their toes. I don't see anywhere where it is written that sexual indulgence in and of itself is sinful because of the nature of sexual energy. But like all indulgences, we have a way, as humans, of getting carried away with it. I've been thinking similar things lately myself, especially when it gets to be around two in the morning here, and I'm sleeping outdoors, and the bars are closing, and familiar looking young women are traipsing by me in their drunkenness while they probably aren't even thinking when they slobber and wave at me that I'm half-naked anyway, at least beneath whatever sleeping bag I'm in, crashed out on the sidewalk like that. One could wish for worse lodgings, I suppose. ;) Go easy on yourself, man.
from fragilegirl8 :
I know how you feel....
from musikoid :
I don't doubt that your friend is coming from a "caring place," but it is not her business to go about trying to change you. Even if it were, she would not be able to effect lasting changes in you, because change comes from within, not without; and it comes when one is ready. It would be one thing if the criticisms were for the sake of your growth, but your growth again is from within and is in accordance with the divine design for you as an individual. This leaves it most likely she instead would prefer you conform to how *she* would like you to be. Not to knock her as a friend, but a lot of very caring people do just that.
from integrating :
come out come out wherever you are
from musikoid :
FB is /e.e.ando
from musikoid :
Yes - something has changed. Good things are going to happen, that I had not ever expected. I haven't written an entry for today yet (Friday) -- but I will. Or, if you have my Facebook, there's info on my Timeline.
from fragilegirl8 :
Good questions! I don't think I could pick 3. As far as TV shows go I enjoyed: Lois & Clark: The new adventures of Superman , Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Full House, Real World, Salute Your Shorts, Clarissa Explains It All. Music:Early 90's I was into Tom Petty, Green Day and RHCP. Mid-Late 90's I was all about NIN and Marilyn Manson.
from shyest :
you should go out with that woman and have some fun. Ive been going through a few struggles with work, family, and life and sometimes just going out meeting someone new and sharing a few laughs feels pretty good.
from musikoid :
About your entry, I might have more to say later. For right now, I just wanted to put out that the 90's was the first decade during which I actually did not admire the popular or borderline-underground popular music of the day on an artistic musical level. I appreciated it, but I never thought it was great. Ironically, I made more money playing 90's music during that decade, both at the restaurant and for my singing students. But classic rock, new wave, beginnings of punk -- 70's to 80's is where I resonate. I don't know what happened, frankly, after the year 2000. But about your note, I know you're right that I was happy then for a good period of time, and relieved that I was "off the wheel" as far as the monkey goes. But because I couldn't eat or sleep regularly without encountering much hassle, frequently undernourished, and frequently falling asleep over my work when I was trying to accomplish something, I came back to Berkeley figuring I could eat and sleep out here. And that hasn't been a problem, either. Since I've been back, I can eat, sleep, and make money on a day to day basis. But I didn't think it would mean I would necessarily lapse into old habits. One of my friends said I was beginning to become "prideful" or "boastful" when I was sober, and I think my ego did get high. I turned off some people, and I fear I lost a good friend. Then so I wanted to get back to marijuana-only, instead of psych meds and that whole thing of the Mainstream, because it seems to work. That opened other doors, though - some of them very nice, like the continual flow of new musical compositions and arrangements; but others not so kind. Not sure how to get off the wheel at this point exactly, to be honest with you.
from fragilegirl8 :
Ahhh....The 90's. I think it was the best time to be a teenager. Then again like you said the generations before and after us are probably saying the same for the time they grew up.
from musikoid :
I feel like traveling too. I think it's in my blood. I hardly ever do it, though.
from musikoid :
I'm in Berkeley. I came back because of a cheaper SLE (sober living environment) and of course ready food access, and not getting kicked around by cops. But the SLE didn't work out for me. I was in the Men's Shelter for a few days, and I felt cooped up. So I just went back to my Spot, where I'm sleeping well, when I want to. There's been some darkness. However, the music I'm writing is divine. I keep struggling to make sure I have a pencil or pen and some music paper. Been losing a dollar pair of readers every single day, and those come first. My spirits are up, despite my circumstances and poor choices, mostly because of all this music. Every day I receive a new song.
from enurta :
Happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!
from musikoid :
It's hard to placate those people -- the IRS and so forth. In that line, they seem to benefit psychologically from a feeling of being superior to you in some sense. This makes you feel as though they're trying to make you feel like shit. I get the same thing from collection agents, though maybe less refined.
from enurta :
it just hurts when everyone I've ever loved has hurt me. and I keep loving them despite of it...because I believe them, I am awful. I am disgusting. so I won't fight it anymore, I don't care, whatever they say it's true. I am an awful person and I hope (God willing), that I will get a terminal illness so I can finally die. there is no point with anything anymore. never has been, I've just been stupid. do yourself a favor and hold on to family or friends who make you Happy, and make you feel Beautiful. I have never felt that way with the people who claim to love me. but strangers, tell me I'm good, that I'm kind, that I don't deserve what happened....but they are only strangers. they don't know me. don't leave the people who know you behind, cloudy. even if you can or want to change your life. they are special. I wish I had ONE person. at least ONE who could hug me and tell me I'm not as bad as they all say...but nobody does. and that's okay. it could've been worse. I have Tom.
from minstrelite :
You've really grown since I met you five years ago.
from silver4 :
Thank you, I'm feeling much better :) hopefully my last time getting sick for a while!
from minstrelite :
I'm the same as you (as we know). I'd rather be happy doing what I like to do and making less money than unhappy doing what I don't like to do and making more money. Sometimes people will criticize you for not always selling your skill set to the highest bidder. But look at their lives and see if they are truly happy with themselves. A lot of the time, they have a strongly developed sense of responsibility, and they might even think of you as a flake. But that only comes from unhappiness with their own choices, and from hidden awareness that they have not been open to what life has to offer them. You don't need to destroy yourself working over time, even if it is time and a half, or even double time. Follow your heart.
from integrating :
Happy Thanksgiving :)
from silver4 :
Thanks, I am good :) just my thoughts, but I'm cool. I drink, I get emo, I write, blah blah blah. Then everything is fine and I wake up to a new day! I appreciate your concern!!
from musikoid :
There's been a huge temperature drop in my neck of the woods as well. Heavy rain yesterday too. I was so thankful to get a new pair of socks this morning. Anyway, about the old romantic association, I'm not sure that you really want to avoid her if she's going to provide a sexual opportunity, even if you are not focused on your sexuality. But this only comes from my own experience, because (believe it or not) such opportunities still arise for me, even at my age, and sometimes they come in the form of an extremely beautiful woman. Whenever I permit either my shyness or moral values to excuse me from the opportunity, I *always* regret it. This just happened about three nights ago, and I still can't get her off of my mind.
from i-lost-sarah :
You sound like a cool uncle :) (And you're pretty damn awesome too)
from peggypenny :
Wow, thanks for noticing. I read about your relationship ending. If anyone tells you that "everything happens for a reason" you have my permission to slug at them.
from silver4 :
Thanks :) I couldn't remember if I had mentioned the incident that led to the detective stuff (and didn't feel like perusing my entries to check), but yea, in the end, the dude could have at least answered or returned my call. Pof is an okay site, you just have to put actual effort into it, like any dating site or just dating in general. You just have to accept that you will meet some weird/rude/ignorant/impolite people! As for you, possibly best to not get involved with her then :)
from enurta :
thanks cloudy...<3
from silver4 :
That's good that you keep in contact with that friend/ex. My first everything is long gone from my world but he does cross my mind every now and then, and sometimes I wish that I could talk to him. Anyways.. That's a lot of money saved up for the nieces and nephews! That is awesome of you. Hopefully you put aside a little for yourself too and splurge for your own treat. So would you not get involved with that friend again romantically?
from i-lost-sarah :
Yay furnace! Keep on keeping on lovely one.
from musikoid :
Yes - I sent an email to your "forged memories" address.
from musikoid :
I'm sorry to have fallen so far behind. I owe you more than one note. But you know what, you sound good these days! I understand about difficulty focusing, because I share that difficulty. Some of that is ADHD (for me) and some of it perfectionism (for both of us, I believe.) Another thing I've noticed in your writings lately is that you seem increasingly wise. I hope the thing with the woman works out -- this sounds promising. I've recently been encouraged to get a job in I.T. myself. I think I would enjoy it. I didn't find out until recently how many computer skills I've developed from all the time I've spend on the computer as a *hobby* -- and how many of those skills can be translated to the workplace. Good luck with everything! And sorry if this note may seem disjunct or distant. I only read the past three entries, but when I am more settled, I hope to obtain a computer and read more. Keep the faith, bro. :)
from enurta :
I liked the "Spirit Renewed!" entry... "I smile, even I don't want to smile. I lie to make people feel better or to spare their feelings. I'm as phoney as a three dollar bill. I tell people's business to others. I judge people way too harshly when I'm not perfect." I can relate to that...I am the same way. you are not alone <3
from musikoid :
Thanks, D. :)
from musikoid :
All good, bro. I was neither suicidal nor homicidal but came in solely to obtain shelter, in the hope of never returning to the homeless scene in Berkeley again. Since the bludgeoning, I have not been the same. I'll keep you informed.
from enurta :
if I was a good person everyone wouldn't do the exact thing to me, and say exactly the same things. and beat me.
from a-d-w :
you should never be ashamed to say that, any more than i am to say i don't like him. to each their own! that's what makes the world a sparkling place. and if you wanna go for something, you better just do it. you know you can!
from silver4 :
If you want to move forward, you have to take the first step. Simple as that. If you just think about it or talk about it, that won't be enough. You have to make the changes in order to get any type of return. Free will; you are the one in charge of your life. Anything that has happened for me is because I made it happen and that I did not want to remain stagnant and unhappy in whatever my situation at the time was. I tell anybody who asks me or who doubts themselves, that if I can do it, they can do it. Do you want to go to school? Go to school. Money for school is tough? Apply through fafsa. Want to move? Go, leave. Pick a place and make it happen. Money tight there? Save it for a few months and then go, but make a deadline. Hate your job? Quit, but plan it right and have your backup ready. Want to start a business? Do your research and start a business. I did all of the above, because I wanted to move forward and make changes. I did my research, so can you, and when the time comes, you jump. Or you press enter on the computer, or say yes, or place your signature, or whatever it is. Just do it. Weigh your pros and cons. If I can do it, you can do it, and I am not overly brilliant by any means. Now, I can't make somebody fall in love with me, but that's because I don't have control over anybody else. You don't need anybody but yourself to tell you what to do and when. Even my words are moot. But the longer you wait, the longer it isn't going to happen. Then months or years down the line when you do take that step and you start to see the fruits of your efforts, you could look back and think "well damn, I could've done this ages ago!" Because it is true; you could start something and improve your outlook, today. Say yes, press enter, sign your name, pass go, collect $200.
from enurta :
sorry I meant systematic. spelled it wrong. I'm not doing that well. hoping this is the last day ever I will feel this way.
from enurta :
you have no idea what they have done to me. systemic abuse, brainwash, the list goes on and on. N is too busy feeling sorry for himself to care. I should just hang myself and get it over with. I've numbed myself with a bunch of pills to calm down, if I'm lucky I will fall asleep and feel better after I wake up. but if I don't, I am probably going to hang myself.
from enurta :
we all cling to the past, because time passes quickly and everything can change so fast. what you need to hold on to no matter what is yourself, and the people you think are worthy of you. because it is when you lose yourself, that you are truly left with nothing.
from a-d-w :
thanks dude, i think i am doing ok so far. pretty lousy about your dish, good on you for sticking up for yourself, you have more guts than i do.
from enurta :
no, no. i'm not leaving. i was psychotic when i wrote that entry. feeling better now, going to explain everything in my diary <3
from i-lost-sarah :
I support your facial hair. And encouraging unintentional puns :)
from enurta :
hey, ever tried eating organic foods only? you can always eat fruit, veggies and unsalted nuts even it's after 10 pm. I promise you, if you eat only organic foods, that means everything like rice, pasta, potatoes, bread, anything you like; eat it. but the organic version. and instead of buying sweets, make them! it's more healthy that way :) make store-brought sweets into a treat you can only have on weekends! it's not impossible to lose, just with a few simple changes. you do not have to go hungry! :) I love snacking late at night also...and I've lost 88 pounds in a very short amount of time, despite of snacking! (I weighed a lot because of meds, I loved eating sweets and bread...) THERE IS HOPE. you don't have to give up anything you like! it's the additives and artificial colors that makes us fat. and the salt. and the "FAKE" sugar = corn syrup. AND the chemical pesticides on the fruits/veggies. organic is the way to go.
from silver4 :
Thank you :) get up and do something!!! (Trying to be motivating here)
from peggypenny :
Sometimes good, too often painful. What is too often misunderstood of clairvoyance is that knowledge can "thwart" the outcome. Non-believers say, "see, you were wrong" And you are forever left wondering if you did the right thing that changed the outcome.
from peggypenny :
Clairvoyance is not 'necessarily' an advantage. "Ignorance is bliss." Move away from trying to know it all, and cling to what you are certain is the truth.
from integrating :
Everyone except my son, that is. My father ridicules me for letting him get away with as much as he does. Living with a Combat Veteran with PTSD is something you can't convey to other people. It's not something you can judge until you've lived it. It's a very touchy subject and I basically live on egg shells around him because you never know when he is going to go off. I try to stay out of his way and when I don't he comes unglued. My father thinks I should move out. If I did he would be homeless. Not even have enough money to get a U-Haul and storage for his houseful of belongings. I'm not going to do that to my mentally ill son.
from integrating :
Took me a long time to muster up the balls to say NO. I was always the first one to call when someone was needed because I never said no. Sadly it's only recently that I learned not to let people manipulate me. It's very invigorating to stand up for yourself and not let someone take advantage of you.
from integrating :
Right on about inner beauty. Someone once asked me do you think she's pretty. I said how do I know until I get to know her? I can't tell you how many times I've met an attractive person only to find them ugly based on their personality. And vice versa about meeting someone not normally considered attractive but because of their inner light become absolutely "radiant'.
from enurta :
thanks, cloudy! <3
from silver4 :
I know that exercising a good while before bedtime can help wear you out so you can sleep better, and supposedly not eating several hours before bedtime. That being said, I violate those rules often and who knows the root of my sleeping issues, but it does help me a lot to take diphenhydramine (OTC) and/or a chamomile/lavender tea blend. Celestial seasonings makes a good "sleepytime" tea that really helps me, too. I try to alternate things because my sleep problems are so prevalent and I'm more lazy than you are about going to see a doctor about it! Good luck!
from silver4 :
Thanks :) I think one more night and I'll be back in action! Slept my way through the weekend
from musikoid :
I've never been able to stay with my brother. He hasn't had me over, or inside his house, since before Mom died over ten years ago. He does live here in Berkeley, however. My daughter is in Arizona with her Mom, but she and Bethany haven't had me over either, and Bethany my stepdaughter hasn't spoken to me or answered any of my emails since 2008.
from silver4 :
Lol and here I thought I was being profound haha :)
from integrating :
hey there..my son is supposed to fix the car after the first. he better. I'm tired of finding rides everywhere..diabetes is under control..I haven't called Tom and he hasn't called me so I guess it's a mutual loss of interest, lol.
from fragilegirl8 :
I read somewhere that if you give up sweets you will stop craving them. This seems to be true because it worked for me.
from erases :
Make it a Chai Tea and we have a deal!
from musikoid :
The situation is kind of a lot worse than what you're thinking. I don't remember if I wrote about it here or not. Anything I said based on anything that happened before 10:45pm last Saturday night was based on something that no longer exitrs. So I'm totally up in the air about everything.
from silver4 :
Lol don't worry about jinxing me, I jinx myself :) things are fine on my end. Not perfect, not crappy, simply ...fine. One day at a time!
from erases :
From what I read, you have lots to say, or else you wouldn't be writing here in the first place. I'm not you, and you're not me, but I do feel akin to what you write about. There's a hidden purpose or meaning behind everything. There has to be.
from silver4 :
What can you do to feel more complete? I think you need to find your way out of this funk. Might need to change something up or it will just remain stagnant. Maybe your work situation isn't satisfying or you could reevaluate school. Or get involved in a club or group or something that can expose you to a new social environment. I know it is completely unrelated, but I love going to some of my study clubs because I get to see people I don't often get to be around. And although I complain and get annoyed when I go out with certain groups of friends, at least it gets me out and about. I don't know, just throwing something out there! Or go out to a bar with a buddy and play some pool and flirt with the ladies. I feel like you could use more interactions with people outside of work. It can make a huge difference. I know I would be much more sullen if I didn't have the social escapes that I have. They probably do "meetups" where you live; it's like social gatherings for common interests. Hope you bounce out of this soon
from integrating :
Sorry you're feeling bummed. Wish I could give you some advice, but then I would feel like a hypocrite. Every time I try to cheer someone up I feel stupid. But hang in there. That I can say.
from jaysthoughts :
Just checking to see how many diarylanders still actually check their notes and stay active.
from erases :
No need to apologize. I appreciate you writing, at all. To think: the girl that bandaged me up was the one that ended up trying to bleed me dry. You'll find your way, brother. It's just a matter of time. Everything is a matter of time. I read through a lot of my back entries. Sometimes, you need to remind yourself of where you've been to understand where you're going. It hurt, it was uplifting, it was all things at once. Eventually we'll find our way. I'm beginning to think there is no hole that we need to climb out of. The whole world is a hole, and we're all just trying to fill it --- and it's not a bad thing. We're all in this together. Keep fighting. Never give up. Never surrender.
from erases :
Yeah, that's good advice. We'll see where things end up. How're you bro?
from minstrelite :
No, I'm not going to a senior home or anything. I've probably used the word "senior" in two different contexts, so it got to be confusing. There's the North Berkeley Senior Center, where we all get to hang out from 9-5 Mon-Fri, shoot pool, play piano, watch T.V., use the computers, drink coffee, work out on the exercise machine, have lunch, eat doughnuts, etc., while socializing with random over-60 kinds of people. Then there's a list I got on for "senior housing," which means that because I'm 60+ years of age, on some form of disability, and legally homeless, I'm eligible to rent a studio apartment in a special apartment complex that caters to such entities. So I'm on a waiting list for the apartment, and my number will probably come up at around October or so. That's all I meant. I would never live in any kind of group home with other entities. Whenever I do, it doesn't last for very long. I think my record was 20 days, at the Men's Shelter here in Berkeley. I don't figure a board-and-care home or retirement home would be any different, in terms of being able to glean personal space and privacy. A studio apartment sounds nice, however -- I'd be alone, and I'd have my own bathroom and kitchen -- and space.
from musikoid :
Tori Amos *is* Great. I'm glad you got a chance to see her. I think I've caught up with your entries now. Your "bummer" entry is really poignant. It's deep. The separatism you're talking about probably boils down to trust issues, one to another. Some of it is about gender, age, race, class, and orientation. Others of it is just human conflict, but it boils down to distrust, and disbelief in the connectivity of all beings.
from integrating :
If I even suggest he needs to be on medication he goes ballistic...I got a new glucose meter and apparently the one my dad sent me is outdated or something. My Dr. prescribed me a brand new one and I get normal readings on that one. My average on the old meter is 158 whereas the average on the new meter is 128. Yes, reducing the med has helped like magic. With my readings being in the normal range he might just take me off the medication. That would be great.
from musikoid :
I've been reading your entries too, but I haven't finished with them yet. I'm a very slow reader, about as slow a reader as I am a fast typist. It takes me a while to digest what people are saying when they write, and to come up with anything useful. Hopefully the housing will manifest by October. It does seem like a good deal. It's also right near a major lake with a 3 1/2 mile running course around it. Very beautiful area, and although there will be street people there as everywhere else, at least they won't be the ones who know me by name and act as though they have my number. The scene in Berkeley just gets more and more claustrophobic as time goes on. Anyway, it's Sunday, and I'm not in a very good mood. I'm at the Bible Study charging my laptop, thinking of ducking out the door as soon as I can manage to get some food in my stomach. I was talking with a guy after the morning meeting and forgot all about breakfast, which would have been free at the park. I kick myself, because eating is so important, and I so often simply forget to do it. I'm always hungry, and I'm always losing weight. It affects the mood after a while. Sorry if this is so negative.
from integrating :
I had to put my alarm clock far away from the bed so I would have to get up and turn it off. I overslept an hour one time on my first day of work. (I got a new glucose meter and it says I'm in the normal range. Huge relief.)
from erases :
It's hard to say whether one truly climbs out of the hole or if the walls disappear around you. Either way, yes I am so, so happy. Thank you. I know that of all people on here, you're so very capable of this happiness, also. Here's an official invitation to a hand up from me. Climb up here with me, buddy. The weather is fine. You can't stay forever, but it's good for right now.
from i-lost-sarah :
look who's talking-- you're like diaryland santa :) I know what you mean about the news, I can't watch too much or I end up rocking back and forth in fetal position. Thank you for your shiny lovely note :)
from integrating :
Thank you for the note. The other day my blood sugar level was 64 and it scared the holy be-jesus out of me.
from silver4 :
I love Tori Amos! Glad you got to see her. Beautiful voice, puts me at ease as well. Very calming. Don't tear up over me! I get in my decisive moods and want to change everything. I've never really cared for online dating, so giving up on that is simple. I'm sure I will glance at it again. I would much rather somehow meet people out in the world. Besides, I hate telling online people what I do for a living. I feel like they look me up right after and it bothers me how accessible that info is; although I do want it to be easy to find me for patients, it takes mystery out of getting to know someone. And I know they do it, because they tell me. Regarding my current guys, I just don't want to care about them any more than I should, and at least for one of them, I get misled and it isn't fair to my emotions, and I am tired. I believe I am a kind, driven, attractive woman (in a non-arrogant way), and I allow these guys to passively be with me, but it is empty and pointless and I say I'm over it, but I know it is my comfort zone. The money/work situation...still deciding. My heart is telling me not to go to that other office again. It's not the best long term decision for me. The owner is attracting me with glitter and sparkles and money, but it is decorating something I ultimately do not want. Anyways... Don't be sad over me. I am still upbeat and positive. I just have my moments when everything simply exhausts me and I want to start anew. I shall see how I fare over the course of this week
from musikoid :
Can you send your preferred email address to andy pope seven at zoho dot com? I want to forward something to you -
from i-lost-sarah :
thank you for checking on me-- and there's nothing wrong with you. you care about your mother's well-being you're a caring person. there's nothing wrong with that.
from integrating :
Thank you..it's moderate. Managed with diet, exercise and medications. blah. same ole same ole. Thanks for caring. :)
from musikoid :
I'll have to think about what you were saying about the victim of love thing, and also about feeling like you don't belong. I identify with some but not all of that. But I wanted to leave a note about the old man. You probably felt good that he was giving you the time of day, so to speak, and that he was noticing something that has to be important to you, that most people don't notice (but mistake for something else), and that he was giving you encouragement toward addressing it positively. It's a feeling of validation, or affirmation on some level. That happens to me occasionally as well, and it's really great when it happens with a stranger.
from musikoid :
"Honestly, I don't know if I want love at this point and as sexually starved as I am, sex with someone I don't love would just make me feel guilty." I'm worse than that, bro. If I have sex with somebody I don't love, I usually wind up falling in love with them. I think I do this unconsciously to avoid feeling guilty. But it can come across as though I'm hard up or something, and it usually turns them off. Believe it or not, I used to always say "I love you" on the first date. (And then I would never see them again.)
from integrating :
You're not in high school anymore! You can create whoever you want to be. I don't know if you can have pets or not, but they make you smile and laugh.
from integrating :
Hey!..Do you have itunes?You could download the CD from itunes. Wa-la!
from i-lost-sarah :
:) It's temporary. I'm broken hearted and embarassed. And I'll definitely leave notes. Thanks for stopping by-- your note made me very happy and that's a difficult thing to achieve at the moment.
from erases :
I appreciate you and what you said more than you know. It gave my heart chills, in a good way. We both deserve to be up there, brother. Let's make the climb together.
from silver4 :
You really should try to smile more! It opens you up to other people. It's actually fairly involuntary for me to smile at others, work related or not. And lol! I can't say I think of myself as a player!! I never saw it that way, but I see how you could think that! I actually don't mind people asking me dental questions, it's just weird when someone thinks I can diagnose by staring at them from afar. I can't see until I actually look in! It doesn't bother me to help people out when I can, it's part of being human. My role in this world is to help others, and I am honored to be that person. I don't know how exactly, but people always seem to warm up to me. I notice these weird infatuations by some patients or reps (prompted the situation with MG), I guess I am just a charmer!! Haha :) seriously though, smile!! It can make the difference in a stranger's day, and it will make you feel better too
from musikoid :
It's easier to "talk" than to "do" - for me too. Sometimes I have to just force myself to get started on the "doing." It's usually not so bad once it got started. Also, I edited my entry. I was thinking of you after I wrote it. Some things are hard to talk about down here, or to write about. The subjects are not cool, unfortunately.
from musikoid :
Good to hear from you. I know what you mean about taking notes - I do that too, and whether it's *geeky* or not; hey, it helps. I did hear from Echo, thanks for asking. I heard from her the day after, and she didn't really allude to Father's Day. She said she hasn't been at an Internet connection too often lately. Vibes seem good between us, I wrote back but haven't heard back yet. She says she's trying to figure out how our relationship can be better, since we both know we both love each other. I gave her some suggestions. (You know, just being a dad.) ;)
from silver4 :
Have fun on your trip! I understand what you're saying, not a downer :)
from erases :
Don't go missing, now.
from musikoid :
That was a good entry (post Father's Day). Again, you're like me - you wrote: "I just feel so uncomfortable around crowds of people. That probably stems from all the harsh comments I received in middle and high school." I'm the same way. Part of it may stem from the same thing. When I was growing up, I was often the brunt of cruel jokes the other guys were making. I was probably more sensitive than them, and it didn't occur to me to just come back with a harsher comment, like they all did amongst each other. I would internalize the mockery, and then become more withdrawn. However, there is also a such thing as an Introverted temperament - something we were given by nature. Introversion can also be very useful if understood. Many of the great contributions that great men and women have given to the world throughout history were made by extreme Introverts. I subscribe to something called the "Introvert Energizer" which is as its name proclaims. You can google that, or Nancy Okerlund, and maybe you'll find it useful. Also, you wrote: "I am not afraid to be out in public per say, just hate eyes watching me and all that." Again, I'm the same way. But can you imagine how amplified that syndrome is when one actually *lives* outside? I am one of the most visible, most conspicuous people I know. It could easily drive me totally paranoid if I let it. But to the point - what you said about change resistance is, I think, right on the mark. Everybody is comfortable sitting in their own shit. Change of any kind is scary, but it's best to make needed changes willfully and not resist them. Otherwise, the change may be made by some power other than our own -- and you want to avoid that, if at all possible. Anyway, thanks for updating and for putting up with my psych-babble. Father's Day was, well, it was. It was what it was. Oh well.
from i-lost-sarah :
You're beyond awesome! I'm so happy you're feeling better and went out (I really want to see the Xmen movie too). You're a fighter :)
from integrating :
Hi...my back hurts same as usual, but for the last two weeks my knees have joined the parade. Really makes me mad sometimes. I forgot to post about my party at my cousin's house. It was 5 parties combined. There were 5 cakes! Lots of relatives showed up from far away places and they made BBQ. It was fun til my back started hurting, thank goodness that's when my parents wanted to leave. But I had a good time.
from i-lost-sarah :
I send a hug. I won't say you shouldn't shut down--but know that you will reboot :) And victory will be obtained, and judging by all that you've been through in this diary--you're stronger than you know (even if you're too scared to believe it now)
from integrating :
Sorry you're feeling so blue.
from musikoid :
To your last point, I believe I am rid of him. A major demon, I think - or well, perhaps. Could also be the imaginary bi-product of a hyperactive imagination, operating in an unnatural and God-forsaken realm. Anyway, thanks for your concern. Will update soon.
from silver4 :
Hahaha! 1) the concert was pretty awesome! 2) nooo, don't feel happy for me! It's a crap situation, not sure if you caught the beginning of this when I mentioned he is already taken... Zero possibilities there, and something I clearly shouldn't be involved in. Old habits die hard. Anyone new for you lately?
from i-lost-sarah :
I believe there's a cycle too-but I resent change. I like that both you and your supervisor felt guilty in this entry. There's something especially human about guilt/remorse. I'm sorry you feel guilty but this entry makes me like people and believe a little more. At least two people on the planet care enough about each other's feelings to question their behavior. I appreciate that.
from i-lost-sarah :
:) you'll find someone who lives for your little things, I know it.
from musikoid :
Those guys, at least one of them, seem a bit hardened. One may be dead to the earthly life but alive to everlasting life in the afterlife. Anywaze, haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you're okay.
from musikoid :
Some people believe in reincarnation; others in the Judgment, still others believe in "dust-to-dust." But as far as we know, we only live once, yes, and I would rather die fulfilled at 62 (not that it's likely I will be, since that's only a year from now) than unfulfilled at 90. The key, I believe, is to imagine a 'happy death,' and then ask yourself what kinds of things your life would have contained in order for your death to be happy. Also, you wrote: "I believe in love and it's not about money or having power over someone else..." I believe, this is true.
from i-lost-sarah :
I think money and power can poison a relationship. You can love a person but expressing it can become impossible in a situation where you feel powerless (and that goes for the partner who is financially responsible as well--that's also a position of vulnerability). It's funny-I was talking about stagnation with my significant other a while ago. Maybe the bus person said it in a crude way--but he has a point. Money is one of the main reasons for divorce. Money is independence. It matters.
from musikoid :
I like this: "Just because I think I want something, don't mean that it's what I really want." I was feeling that way (vaguely) earlier today, in trying to agree with these people that I would be happiest right now if I could return to the earlier path involving having my own laptop and music notation software, etc., though still sleeping outdoors, and back to running fifteen miles a week or so., take a med in the morning and one at night, and mellow out for a while. However, can we ever go back? I could be fooling myself to believe it will be like it was before. However, in my recent attempt to move forward into new territory, I wound up after three months with a resting heart rate that has increased by 43 beats per minute. Where would be 'forward' from there? Maybe since it's only been three months, the move 'backward' would actually be a relief, and more like 'forward' or, at least, some kind of lateral, so to speak.
from musikoid :
Hey - I read it again. That one sentence jumped out of me, so I had to kinda say something. You're being very lucid and insightful, as well as encouraging. I agree that the statements in the text of A.A. are sort of like some of the more black-and-white statements in the Bible. They deal in extremes and absolutes, whereas the human experience is full of gray areas. So, yeah - it's not a bad idea for one to gain knowledge of one's conditions, good or bad -- just so long as the search for knowledge doesn't become never-ending and therefore is not stopped at some point by an informed decision. 2 Timothy 3:7 - will update later, I'm in a rare hurry this morning, which goes against my grain.
from minstrelite :
"I am not comparing us humans to God..." I am. We were created in the Divine Image of the Elohim, which is a plural name for God, Genesis 1:26-27. Our God-given Divinity was robbed through us in the Event of the Garden described in Genesis Three. To avoid the wrath of God described in Revelation, we need to awaken our Divine Human Nature, and present it before the Father as mature citizens, both of the Earth, and of His Kingdom. That I've learned this to be true is one reason why I no longer believe that the entire Holy Bible is the absolute spiritual truth. Too much is left out -- but it's in between the lines. I sort of jumped in to say that -- gotta read the rest of yer Note now. - A.P.
from musikoid :
Was just reading "Blah" -- possibly your finest entry to date. You see, you and are a lot alike. It's only that I'm older, and so I'm more used to myself, good and bad. I think from the place you're in now, as of "Blah," you're in a perfect position to be of service to others. Maybe if you devote your time to hearing others' issues, they will come to know you as a great listener (perhaps they do already, idk), and often turn to you when they need to be heard. Helping others is often a great way to "get out of your own head" and develop a more positive self-esteem, and a sense that you are of value to yourself and others. Just a thought -
from musikoid :
Hey thanks for your note, man. I haven't had computer access lately, so haven't been posting. I wrote a Gratitude List on my other diary this morning, and I'll copy it to Musikoid until I have time to write an exhaustive entry. Then I'd like to write an entry about the Community Breakfast allegations, and I'll include a picture of my "namesake" just for good measure. I'm in pretty good spirits after a three day "vacation." Thanks again - for everything.
from silver4 :
Thanks :) I guess at this point I'm just making the observation...doesn't have to be love or anything, I would just appreciate using a dating website to actually date. it's interesting to see the different types of people out there. Pretty fun though! How are you holding up these days?
from integrating :
Won't know if I've made a decision or not until I'm actually packing. I was just using the bus schedule metaphorically.
from i-lost-sarah :
I'm the opposite-- when I don't have insight I write. About stupid little things and squealing shape-shifting feelings. They make sense on paper/screen and even when they don't-- it's relieving.
from erases :
Thanks! Glad you liked it
from i-lost-sarah :
:) I hope you find your Italy too (and kick programming butt)
from musikoid :
Before I forget to say it, the theology expressed in the foregoing note is highly speculative. I forgot about the spirit of truth, who of course is the Holy Spirit, the omission of Whom got me to spiritually fantasizing. Had to say that + Anyway, you wrote: "I am great at the beginning of most things because I can understand them. It's when I reach a certain plateau and I have to actually put in effort that I lose interest." That sounds a lot like something I do. As long as the material makes enough sense, and I can maintain my natural enthusiasm for it, I do well, and usually exceed. Then something will come along that doesn't interest me so much, but that is essential to learn in order to progress from there, and I don't like the fact that it's there, and instead of facing it, I bail out. Isn't that what you do, sort of?
from musikoid :
I think what I was trying to say (which may or may not be true, just my current theory), is that if there is a single God, a Spirit-Being who can rightly be named God, then either that being is *not* omniscient (all-knowing), or else not omnipotent (all-powerful), or else not omnibenevolent (all-good.) If He were all-good, then what about the Problem of Evil? How did an all-good God allow Evil into the world. Well, one answer might be that, although he is "All Good," he is not "All Powerful." He was all good, so he didn't *want* to let evil into the world, but since he was not all powerful, he didn't have a choice, and he couldn't control the efforts of an evil power or powers, ostensibly of Satan, to enter into the world. But in that case, is he rightly called God? Just a question. The other alternative is that He *is* all-powerful, but in that case, he would have had power over Satan (or over whatever evil power(s) could have let evil sneak into the world), and since He did not do so, then He could not possibly be All-Good. An All-Good-God wouldn't have done that to us if he had the power to stop it. (There's actually a name for this philosophical argument in Western philosophy, but I can't think of what it is at the moment.) Now, this is not coming from a Christian space, at least not traditionally or fundamentally. My current thinking is that we're all right, one or the other, because the name of Jesus Christ was put above every name, Him being the Spirit who has the most love, the most selfless love, and so forth. But I don't know if I believe that Satan is All-Evil. I think there's some good in Him, and I don't think that either Christ nor the Father are all-knowing. I also don't believe that Jesus and the Father are necessarily one in Spirit, certainly not in all ways, or at all times. Nor do I believe that Satan has not been forgiven, because for Jesus to be All-Love, he would have forgiven even Satan. So I don't know if I'm a Christian, because I think the Devil has changed, and I think he's all right, and I think that God and Christ having regarded him as All-Evil is either outdated (because he's changed) or else a function of a perspective that they don't understand, from their perspective, to be limited. In short, I believe that Satan knows a lot more than either of them. It's heading toward, maybe he's the one who is All-Knowing. That's as far as I've gotten in the research. Of the three (if this is even valid, again, just part of an evolving theory), I don't think any of them is very happy right now. I believe that Happiness has to be something that we work for as human beings, and I do have hope that if we shot for doing what best honors the Human Spirit and makes us happy, we can attain a state of divinity that is All-Happy, and that needs to interact with all three of the other states, and their representative gods, in order for the Human Race to be saved -- on Earth. So I guess that's not Christian any more, but it's what I believe, at this time.
from integrating :
Thanks for the pep talk. I'm just so sentimental things just get to me sometimes. I mean, no matter how hard it gets, I remind myself that we DO laugh again. :)
from musikoid :
Yeah, I guess I had a burr up my butt there for a while. Funny how after a couple days, it doesn't even seem all that important. That is, it seems important that I do what I can to ensure that I don't lose my temper (there or anywhere else), but it no longer seems important that they disbelieved me, or that they seemed to be pulling a power play on me, or any of the other stuff. I went back this morning after sleeping pretty well last night, and had two strong cups of coffee before anything else (except water, which I usually do first of everything.) After that, I *knew* I wasn't about to lose my temper. That's all it takes, in the morning. Oh - and I just read your "Try" entry. I can see your situation with that lady now, and I feel you on that outlook. If your perceptions tell you she's probably not interested, why waste your energy? You'd be setting yourself up to fall. I also found out that the girl I mentioned, B, is gay. Weird, I was sure she liked me. Maybe I was reading my own desire into it, idk. But back to the point of your overall dilemma, this sentence of yours jumped out at me: "I have walked a path that has been filled with loneliness, sadness and guilt for long that I can't seem to change it." This suggests that a lot of the depression and shame you feel, thinking of yourself as a bad human being (when clearly you are not), is habit behavior. Like any other habit, it needs to be replaced with another habit. Maybe if you can choose to indulge in something that will be powerful enough in a positive way to obviate or negate the forces of loneliness, sadness, and guilt; then you will be freed. I don't know what that would be, but if you like to read (?) you might find some ideas in the book, "Positive Addiction" by William S. Glasser. Just a thought. Thanks for staying in touch.
from musikoid :
On your second note, it sort of reminds me of there being this girl I like, this black girl who works for social services here, her name is B, and I'm almost sure she likes me. She was present all three times, well there were three times when I lost my cool before I could get a cup of coffee in the morning after sleeping a lot of hours and not feeling quite together yet. Two times at the Cedar Breakfast and once at the Men's Shelter. So she saw the whole thing three times, but still I can't get these narrow-minded dumb fucks to believe me when I attribute the rage to a pre-caffeinated state of untogetherness. There may be other factors, but the simple fact is if I'm permitted my normal wake-up procedure, it doesn't happen. Living outdoors unfortunately does not always permit me that procedure.
from musikoid :
You've probably updated five or ten times since I've been backed up. I'll try and catch up, but basically from the sounds of your last entry I'd venture to suggest you ought not sell yourself short. Ever occur to you that this girl might like you for your personality? Sort of sounds like she does, only because it's the part you don't look at when you're beating yourself up about other stuff. You almost make it sound as though you're convinced your personality is unacceptable from the start. If you like her, you should give yourself a chance before convincing yourself of her being unattainable.
from silver4 :
I'm going to sound like a bit of a nag here, but 20/40 is not good enough to drive. I am worse (20/50), but only in the beginning of the day will I drive without anything to correct my vision (usually done only if I have eye pain), done only if I am going a short path. You won't be able to read signs as well (although yes you may know what streets they are, but regardless). Why would you want to put that strain on your eyes? I'm no eye doctor [must specify :) ], but they will only get worse without correction. I have extra glasses and contacts everywhere! I keep a pair of glasses in my car for those mornings after sleepovers away from home, when I have discarded my contacts, because I really hate to drive uncorrected for even a path I know like the back of my hand. There's my nagging session. Your mom is right. :P
from integrating :
Hey buddy, haven't been on in a while, had to catch up...if you could get a pet they are wonderful ways to make you smile and laugh, but I guess you couldn't have one if you live on campus...Learn to play that guitar. Playing the guitar is excellent therapy. :)
from erases :
Sorry to hear about your sister.
from i-lost-sarah :
:)) I'm happeh you got it and more importantly-- I'm grateful and impressed with the fact that you really wanted to get it
from integrating :
beautiful entry 2014-03-29
from integrating :
Oh I'm already fine. Won't happen again though, lol.
from i-lost-sarah :
this song was my theme song for a while :) (thank you for your note)
from integrating :
love Sheryl Crow
from silver4 :
Lol the fb thing is just all the people posting about march madness stuff :) work stress is just figuring out what to do with my days to make more money, if I need to pick up a day in the city that is 70 miles away or if I can manage with what I'm doing, or find another place more local...a lot to think about. Get your tooth checked out!! You knew I was gonna comment on that! If it is something that wakes you up at night, might already be at the nerve. Don't wait too long.. Regarding CA, meh...who knows. He was just being nice, freak accident I'm sure ;)
from musikoid :
I deleted the last two entries before I saw your note. I was disgustingly angry - I know that's lame to just throw it all away like that, but I don't like to see it there, because I'm not really angry at Phil in my heart, but there is something about that drug and its come down that can bring up all kinds of irrational emotions.
from musikoid :
Yes, I really love him.
from silver4 :
Follow your gut.. Your instincts know what is best for you. I'm sure your family wants you close, but you are an adult and you have to do what is best for you, especially in helping you develop yourself and grow. I was very happy when I moved out of state and didn't have the pressure of family around me. Although it is better financially to be back home, I feel it would be a hindrance to any growth you are experiencing, and to any self-realization you come across. I have friends/colleagues who live at home still after d-school, and I can't fathom gaining any semblance of a reasonable social life if I were in that situation. Not to be crude, but even when it comes down to something like taking someone home for the night. Although possibly my room would be much cleaner if I were still at home... Anyways, going on tangents, but your family will very likely continue to want you there. It makes sense. They love you and want the best for you. But you also want the best for yourself, so keep up the good work! Independence rocks, but make sure you get those family visits in enough :)
from musikoid :
Oh, and you're right about the women. There have been two already this morning who showed interest in me, encountering them both randomly. I was going to write about it. I don't think it's just me; I think there's some kind of early Spring happening in Berkeley.
from musikoid :
Oh, about the $20, I think it was my friend Phil, not my bro. But same principle applies, and my point is, if *that's* the only money-related principle that counts, than these guys shouldn't even *have* any principles. They should be guided along their financial decisions by more enlightened beings. It sucks to be in dire need and to have to make a difficult request, only to further have to watch your whole identity and sense of self-worth and value, your entire soul be dehumanized in the face of abstract moral principle. They acted as though I wasn't even human, come to think of it, my brother too, several times. There is no conscionable justification for such an attitude toward a family member or a friend. That would be true whether or not they had agreed to give me the money.
from musikoid :
If you decide to move, you should consider coming to Berkeley, man. You'd love it here. Anyone can go to school at Berkeley Community College, and my daughter got into Cal from there. There are all kinds of opportunities everywhere, you know, San Francisco Bay Area. + I think I know what you meant when, after reflecting, you realized you wouldn't have said no to "A.P.," but the thing is, you both are still in the right to err on the side of caution, because you probably know A.P. a lot better than you know this other guy. Or something just tells me that. + By the way, I really like the colors on this entry. The yellow on black is really readable.
from musikoid :
I forgot to answer a couple things you asked in earlier notes. ". Do you think that romance will help? Do you think sexual gratification will ease the pain and loneliness you feel? I'm just asking because a lot of your entries seem to point to it." The answer to that, at this point, is "yes, probably." The only thing I know for sure is that my usage of the substance is a sex and love issue. I was talking to Carmen, who assumed I was "self-medicating" in order to avoid some kind of emotional pain. She mentioned she had to go to therapy for a long time before it came out that she was avoiding the pain of failure that was put upon her by a mother who was always critical of her, and sometimes to the point of abuse. That does sound an awful lot like my father, but I don't believe it's why I'm self-medicating. It's more like, my marriage failed, I'm still healthy and virile, I still long for female companionship, I don't have it, yet I "perceive" that some women are interested in me, still I don't have it, I'm too shy -- like you. Then I believe that taking the substance will make me temporarily 'un-shy' (which it does) and yet I still don't find anyone -- probably because it also turns me into an asshole at the same time, on some level. People can tell. But yeah, that's a good question, and that's my answer . . .
from musikoid :
Actually, I really enjoyed your "fluttering" entry. It was informative, and it was the first entry of yours I've read for a while where you weren't totally down on yourself.
from musikoid :
I'm also convinced that my brother cares. I can see it in his eyes, whenever I happen to run into him. He may be conflicted about how to possibly help me, and I think he worries that whatever he might do to "help" might not *actually* help. Although he claims to have only read the single entry in which I mentioned him dipping into the local bar Jupiter, seemingly in order to avoid contact with me, I send him my daily diary entries, and I think he probably reads more of them than he would like to let on. Thing is, my brother is a successful and well-known sometime Math research professor at U.C.Berkeley, he's got a PhD, and he's lived in the same house here with the same wife (and no kids) for almost forty years. For him to be seen hanging out too often with a homeless guy for a brother probably doesn't sit too well with him. I think he goes through a lot of existential conflict over the differences between us, whereas I revel in the similarities: him being a musician, a visionary-type with interesting ideas, and so forth. But yeah, you're right in picking up that he cares. He truly does, I'm sure.
from erases :
Many, but Are You Afraid of the Dark? has to be my all-time favorite.
from musikoid :
First off, you come across like *anything* but a hypocrite. I worry about the same thing, however. The thing is, it is often easier to see what somebody else ought to be doing for themselves than to manage the changes that we need to make for our own selves. That said, however, I think your problem doesn't lie so much in your oft-stated need to change things about yourself. It lies in your inability to accept yourself the way you are. Sure, you need to change some things -- I do, and we all do -- but change is not possible without first accepting yourself fully as you are. The regrets are not caused by your having done wrong things. They're caused by your not accepting the things that you *have* done. Even if they are wrong, wrong, wrong and seem to you too horrible to even look at much longer, the thing is that you have to accept yourself as you are, in order to change yourself into something different.
from erases :
Did you ever watch Nickelodeon as a kid?
from stellarrobot :
At least, it's what helps me sleep at night :)
from stellarrobot :
Dude. I feel your pain! Just don't think of laziness as a curse, but as providing a comfy little buffer between you and, ugh, ambitious people.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your in-depth note. I think 90% of this is a sex and love issue. It seems that, even when the chemical aspect of the addiction has subsided, I will turn to it when I think it will help me to have sex or find a girlfriend. Neither ever happens, but I keep telling myself it might. I guess that's a bit on the pathetic side. But about Lauren, now there is something. You should have seen the look in her eyes last night - I mean, my eyes too. But then I never found her, for I somehow fell out very early, got a good night's sleep, and - was it all a dream? The woman *is* married, and that *is* an obstacle, but she's in love with me, and I think I'm falling in love. It might help. And anyway, today is another day of grace under the sun. God makes his rain to fall on the just and the unjust, irrespective. I really have no current complaint.
from silver4 :
NO! You paint your nails, dammit!!! :) Hey, it was unexpected for me, but it got my mind off of things for a bit and put my focus on just that, oddly enough. I am only just now realizing how relaxing it is, might start painting more frequently! Although I already do it maybe 3x a week haha... Fine, you find yourself a comparable, viable alternative. Let me know what works ;)
from musikoid :
Wonder if you have a car? You're kind of like me in a way. If there are five steps to be taken, I usually only take about two of them. But I don't think it's so much "laziness" (that's just you being hard on yourself again), but that, without a car, it's hard to get around to the actual geographical locale of all the steps on time. I did a lot better when I was still driving. But I still haven't driven a car since 2004. Now *that* might be lazy.
from integrating :
Oh no, you didn't insult me or anything. I know he needs help, and he's GOT to know it. He's always in a rage about everything.
from musikoid :
Before I read any further than the words "a strange cookie" in your recent entry, I just want to pause to say that I don't think it's all that strange. We are of course all unique, but the words you have chosen to use so far to describe yourself are pretty much descriptive of Introverts in general. They say that 1/4 of the populace is introverted. I'm in this class, and those words describe me as well. It's just that I've become more comfortable with these tendencies than I used to be, and more accepting of them. Also, because I'm an Artist and I always have a few projects in mind, I need space and privacy to work on them uninterruptedly. I don't think that to spend long periods of time alone is wrong -- it depends on what you do during those periods. OK - I'll read on now.
from integrating :
I know the feeling about not wanting to be around people. When I lived alone I would get lonely and invite a friend over. As soon as they got there I immediately wanted them to leave. Don't know how to interpret that. Hang in there buddy is all I know to say right now. I've been plagued with insomnia again. I give great advice on how to get some sleep, but I can't help myself. Kris' car is out of commision and we live out in the boonies. I have several things I need to do without a way to do it. I am having severe anxiety about it. That and my Dr. said she's going to look at my chart from my last Dr., (x-rays and MRI's) and determine if I still need to be taking hydrochocone. I'm freaking out about that because I'm always in terrible pain. Allright, that's almost an entry,lol.
from erases :
couldn't have put it better, m'self.
from musikoid :
Hey D - thanks for reading and for leaving a note. :) Carmen *is* a nice person. It's funny how the guys who have lived in Berkeley all their lives don't see that. I encountered this kind of thing in Stockton. The homeys get stuck on some impression of you that they made when you were in 8th grade or something, and then they don't let you change, even though you're in your 50's now. Carmen probably *was* a "snake" at one time in her life, but she obviously went through some kind of major spiritual change, and is into helping people now. She also seems happy, I notice. She smiles at people, and all that. I think those people I mentioned would have a better opinion of her if they, like me, had only alighted upon Berkeley two or three years ago. Anyway, I see you updated and haven't read it yet. Am about to update now. I have a couple things I need to get done here at the library during this hour. If you can try to delete the previous note, it will eventually go away.
from integrating :
chocolate--hahaha!
from integrating :
thank you :)
from silver4 :
OMG lay off those sodas!!! Yes, I am scolding you!! I know they are delicious; I have some here and there too. The best way I can control intake of that kind of thing is to just not buy it so there isn't any temptation to consume when at home. I barely buy any snacks, I rarely have soda, I mostly only get juice when I'm sick (I always feel like OJ is the answer), so when I am looking in the pantry or fridge for a treat, it isn't there and I am left dejected... hm actually not a good approach because then I'm sad and unsatisfied, but still. I "accidentally" bought a carton of ice cream a couple weeks ago, and it was gone in three days! I'll never learn my lesson. But yes, the first step is to ignore, even if it's on sale and seemingly practically free. Other than that, don't beat yourself up too much about your accomplishments to date. You are leaving your mark on the world, and I am certain that soon enough, you will get yourself to a place where you feel like you are satisfied with the impression you are making. Odds are, you already are succeeding beyond what you believe, but as individuals we do not see ourselves the ways that other people do. But it just takes time, cliche yes, annoying perhaps to say or hear, but it isn't hard to tell that you have a good spirit and that you are loving and caring. Maybe something humanitarian is the thing for you? What do you like to do? I forget, what were you studying in school?
from dangerspouse :
Kind of a large pool to choose from, but 'I Honestly Love You' by Olivia Newton-John sprang to mind first.
from musikoid :
Sing the melody line to me over Skype and see if I can get it. The words "I love you" alone (as usual) don't tell us much. Say, it's not the one that goes, "La la la la la la means I love you," is it? I think I got that one on my iTunes, by Todd Rundgren.
from integrating :
got my med...i think the birds are finches. i saw some today that were red..I wish I knew as much as my mother knows. She can identify trees, bushes, flowers, birds...happy dance.. hippie dance...
from integrating :
talk about brain damage. i DID mean it to you. Just got confused as to who said what. Jeez, I'm a lost cause. Carry on.
from integrating :
Nice entry 1-11-14.....That last msg was meant for somebody else. I don't know how I ended up sending it to you. (brain damage)
from integrating :
why thank you...i thought it was kinda strange. :)
from musikoid :
You *will* find the balance you are after, eventually. I do see that in you. Your honesty with yourself and others will help you, I'm sure.
from erases :
Takin' care of your family and carrying on is just about the strongest thing you can do, my friend. Keep caring for people, and most of all, care for yourself. You're worth it.
from integrating :
Now that makes sense, LOL. I didn't finish the Christmas story...I didn't want to write so much that people would not want to read it. Don't know what we're doing tonight. I usually don't do anything. Derek wants to come over but he doesn't know when he's getting off work. Well you have a great New Year!
from integrating :
I hope I didn't offend you in some way. I don't really understand your last msg to me.
from minstrelite :
This may seem trite compared to some of what you have been expressing, but sometimes effecting a simple change of schedule and putting a little more structure into your day to day routine can cause a lot of the sense of emptiness you feel to go away. That is, if you were to make your schedule more matinal, and throw in some definite things you had to do at specific times, and maybe even some sort of self-imposed curfew to keep you from staying up all hours. My point is that the nocturnal schedule is probably draining you of normal life energies in a way that won't be quite apparent until you matinalize again. Most "night people" will disagree with me, but there is something about getting up in the morning, preferably very EARLY in the morning, and going to bed early, that leads to productivity. Even the sense of laziness will subside, because you will find yourself filling up the free time that you have in more fulfilling ways. And you will cease to feel worthless, as well.
from integrating :
I guess you've tried many things to help you go to sleep. And nothing helps?
from integrating :
There are things you can do to help you fall asleep, like a pm pain reliever...Merry Christmas to you too! :)
from musikoid :
Hey I saw you updated twice recently, and I'm gonna catch up on both entries later on this morning. I just stopped to say I love that "Eternal Flames" - the Bangles.
from silver4 :
1) beautiful finish with the wrecking ball video 2) why would you shy away from the girl who is 9 years younger? At this point, I feel it is perfectly fine for such age disparities. You never know if it will work out until you try. I say give it a shot, but then again, relationship advice from me is pointless :/ 3) I will always, pathetically think that CW and I are good for each other. Until something better comes along. Not being together makes absolutely no sense, especially considering how much time we spend together and how well we click. What. Ever.
from silver4 :
Very true..I get extra pensive and emo when I've been drinking. I told myself not to post when drunk haha..sigh...I'm in no rush to find the romance, it just gets lonely, you know? I just wonder if I was quick to write off a couple situations, but I do want someone who actually cares about me and wants to be with me. Totally worth it just being alone than to kid myself with these guys
from a-d-w :
haha, no idea like, no i-deer. probably you have to have a kiwi accent to understand it!
from integrating :
Thank you. It's just that when she gets agitated I'm the only person that gets her "fury". She would never dare talk to anyone else like that. To me her interactions with others are fake.
from silver4 :
Thanks! The run was fun but yea, the soreness sucked. My foot still hurts and I still don't have all the feeling back in a couple fingers. They will be forever frozen!! I'm not too torn up about the emptiness...I have my moments. At least I have good friends and family to distract me, but still. Definitely isn't the same. I signed back on online dating, so if I can stomach it, maybe I will meet someone on there again... Who knows. It's still best for me to focus on my office..but still
from integrating :
Haha! Yeah, my mother used to live in MO. I would visit her in Aug to get away from the TX heat for a couple of weeks. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving too!
from musikoid :
Seriously, I think the key for us probably *is* not to look back, except at times with a non-sentimental pride in our achievements, and gratitude that God has kept us moving forward capably, despite our foibles and quirks. It's just easier said than done; so we need also not to beat ourselves up when we find, invariably, that we *do* sometimes look back -- and not necessarily like what we see. As far as it never being too late to do stuff, I used to think some things were too late -- and maybe *some* things are -- but I'm finding that even at my age I'm not a whole lot less capable than I ever was. Of like say, going back to school. My Dad didn't get his college degree, a Bachelor's in History, until he was 64. It just *isn't* too late. The chassis might be a little rusty, but the engine still runs strong. Just keep doing the things that feed your soul. Guru out.
from musikoid :
Haha thanks about the guru. Maybe I can start a small tax-exempt cult and charge tuition to would-be devotees.
from integrating :
11-20...good entry my friend :)
from a-d-w :
what's stopping you, brother?
from musikoid :
I'm not sure if this applies to you (as it does to me), but maybe it will help if you can recognize that many of the things you tend to regret are not your fault. Stuff happens. Also I think we tend to look backwards in order to analyze things; and then, when we see how we could have done things differently, instead of gaining in faith that we can do things better next time, we develop regrets instead. Maybe the thing is not to look back. Actually, I don't know; it's just that I have a lot of regrets, too, and I notice that they don't do me much good, because eventually I lose confidence and they drag me down. It might just be a matter of confidence. And then, at times when you slip and are not confident, remember that you have been, and that you do have strengths, and you are a good human being, and confidence does apply to you. Confidence works.
from integrating :
(I did it again, put your note on my comment page.) He was given meds when he came back. He took them and he said they helped, but then he wouldn't go back for refills. He doesn't like waiting and I think there's a lot of waiting at the VA.
from integrating :
Joan of Arc kicks ass.
from a-d-w :
you should get a dog. they are the best friends. i know that is kind of a cliche but it is grounded in truth. you will never fail to be responsible for your dog because you will love it so much, and it will return your affection ten fold. i am reading to kill a mockingbird again now
from integrating :
hi! Turns out I only had to wait 24 hrs for that soda. yay! Yeah, I really wanted to go see Pearl Jam. Their shows are mainly on the west coast. Maybe one day I'll have the money to go there.
from integrating :
(talking about Pear Jam. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, lol!) I'm listening to punk rock. Haven't been there in a long time. Fun music.
from integrating :
I was saying, the only show in TX is in Dallas. Long expensive drive, and tickets are $85, so no show for me. :(
from integrating :
I left you a note but it doesn't seem to be here. ??
from silver4 :
Lol well at first it feels like I'm punishing myself by keeping away the snacks and treats and limiting my intake, but now I don't really notice. I just tell myself to stop and (usually) I stop. I do love Doritos though, but I end up tossing the bag after a while because I just feel disgusting and wasteful...it's weird but definitely preferable, at least for me. My deal is I just won't buy it, so when I am searching in the pantry and don't find anything, I just settle for water. Or wine lol! I also don't buy soda or juice.
from a-d-w :
i never say anything at the cash register either
from silver4 :
I know, believe me. I have to behave, I should... In saying I'm terrible, I at least acknowledge that I know it is wrong. I just get drunk and stupid.. I don't really act like that when I'm sober, and I would hope that the guys don't behave that way either, but I can't speak for them. It's just the drunk and flirty deal. I love the game, but need to watch the players better. And I know the fact that CW was there kept me at bay. This probably isn't the best way to justify it, but I believe that if a relationship is strong enough and the people involved truly care about each other, the guy shouldn't be paying any unnecessary attention to me. And if I am with a guy and he strays, I would have no problem dropping him, because I should be worth being faithful to, as should everyone else. I don't know, it's a little twisted. I don't intend on any follow through with that JA guy though. Can't be involved with too many people in the same circle. And as for CW, it's all good. I had to get the balls at some point or I would keep sitting in a world of what if's. Move along, remain friends, blah. I will work on that conscience of mine. I'm honestly just losing faith in relationships and reverting to that indifferent version of myself.
from silver4 :
Ok good I get what you mean :) we will both figure it all out one day! Take my "advice" with a grain of salt, I tend to ramble!! Thanks for your opinion of me; feel free to smack some sense into these knuckleheads I deal with so they can also see that I rock! ;)
from integrating :
(I stupidly put this on my note page.) Well that's good you aren't depressed all the time. :)
from silver4 :
Right there with you; we all need the love. However, I would hope the key would be finding someone to love you as you are and not wanting to change yourself in order to get that. I used to want to change this and that about myself, but really, you see so many people coupled up who may not be the perfect image in your mind, but to one another, they are wonderful. It may be cliche but I want someone to love me for me, and anything I do for improvement is for my self and my personal gain, not for the benefit or advantage of another. Is there anything I would like to change about myself? You bet! But the outside is just the covering. If there is anything to change, let it be something positive inside, but remain true to yourself. Okay that sounded corny and after-school-specialy, but my satisfaction and confidence in myself comes from inside. I am the girl who wears barely any makeup (because I don't know how nor want to learn), will rarely wear high heels (can't walk in them for the life of me, will likely fall over if I go ten steps), will comb my hair in the 5 minutes I have allowed myself in the morning (because I've procrastinated too much doing who knows what), and who wishes I could wear my scrubs all day every day (because my fashion sense no longer exists IMO). But I do it with a smile and confidence, and indifference to fear (most of the time). OBVIOUSLY I have my issues, as noted in my dear diary, but I bounce back up and manage to persist on finding that someone who can love me with all of my nonsense. Blah I have gone on tangents...love who you are, but don't convince yourself to change too much, unless it is what YOU want and is to YOUR benefit/health/personal satisfaction only. Never change in order to pacify another. Other people suck sometimes ;)
from musikoid :
I don't think I *got* an email from you -- I always respond to everybody's emails. Can you re-send it? If so send to andypope7 at zoho dot com, as I am boycott Microsoft.
from musikoid :
I don't think I *got* an email from you -- I always respond to everybody's emails. Can you re-send it? If so send to andypope7 at zoho dot com, as I am boycott Microsoft.
from musikoid :
Hey old friend. You're going to be all right. I think that when people say that they have "no regrets" (like on dating profiles and FB and what-not), that's really just a say-so and it's not real. If a person goes through life without regrets, then that person either is perfect or else they have no conscience. We all err. I've got HUGE regrets. I just try not to buy into them, because it's all past tense. There is no way for a man to regret his future.
from integrating :
:( I'm sorry you feel so bad. Have you ever considered anti-depressants? They have helped me with a lot of crazy animalist behavior. They were going to put me in the state hospital but I told them they would do no such thing because I was going home with my mother. I should have gone to the hospital because 3 days later I left her house and went back to the absolutely crazy life that had put me in that position in the first place.
from silver4 :
Thanks..yea it's moving fast, I'm not mentally prepared for it. I tried to ease into it all at first, but I feel like it's going to do its own thing, which is great! I just need to be on pace and ready for action. It's a positive thing, a positive change. The odd thing is that I love attention as an individual, but for some reason with the office, the thought of it makes me feel suffocated and like I have to protect it; it is my baby after all. Nothing crazy is really happening though, seriously my friend is just posting away and helping like a friend should lol. I just need to get over it! And the office fb page is separate from my personal one, but the line between public vs private is dotted; obviously people can find me through it. Blah blah oh well! This is what I wanted when I started the project! Shall be fun :)
from silver4 :
Thank you! I'm exhausted but it's so fun. When it stops being fun, that's a problem. Hopefully it stays exciting :)
from integrating :
aww, don't be so hard on yourself. Here, have a cup of love. :)
from a-d-w :
glad to see you're posting again too, brother. you should google him and maybe it will make you a bit happy. it makes me happy. maybe you would like the movie 'the fall' if you haven't seen it yet. it's pretty all right. does this note count as a souvenir (even if it's not from europe)?
from integrating :
9.28.13....Really liked reading this entry. You're pretty cool. :)
from dangerspouse :
I'm sorry to hear your dad died, even if you're apathetic about it yourself. I was that way when my mom died - I mourned more when my dog died a few months later. Life's funny, huh? Hang in there.
from silver4 :
Well a couple points to touch here. Glad you did an update, I do get curious and wonder how you are since you seemed fairly despondent the last few times. Don't hate who you are, you are a good person. Sorry to hear about your dad, and I might be bad for saying this, but I don't think you should feel too guilty about not having any emotions about his passing. You had a disconnect with him, he did not have a true presence in your life, so if you don't have interaction or involvement with one another, how could you be expected to be over-emotional in the situation? It is good that you went to the funeral, out of respect; as you said, he did give you life, so that was kind of you. That being said, my words are just words, I am just a random person out here, and I'm sure somebody closer to you would strike down what I've said and say you should grieve more and feel more. I will say, emote when you feel like it, not because you feel like you should. Congrats on the license! It is an accomplishment and a new avenue for freedom/escape. Hello road trips! One of my personal faves, although I don't do it much or enough. I hope the rest of your family is doing well, and that school/work/relationship stuff is in the positive direction. If still taking a break from school, no worries. I'm sure you can assume by now that I'm big on school and education, so I oddly get excited for other people, even people I don't *really* know, pursuing their educational goals. Hang in there for everything! Your updates are appreciated. I know for me it feels like I am just rambling out thoughts and experiences and situations that nobody reading really cares about since it isn't them, but at least it is there for me to see again down the line, good or bad (and believe me, I have a lot of bad/embarrassing), but no regrets, and sometimes bittersweet. So even though you've gone kinda silent and in the background these days, you are still thought of and you are missed! Ok, sorry that was long..
from silver4 :
Well I'm glad you are doing well, and thanks for having faith in me :) I have forced myself to enter this busy state, and it is a combination of calm terror and fearful excitement. The change is happening, whether I am ready for it or not. You should update, miss seeing you around (so to speak). Even though I know my words may more or less fall on deaf ears, it does help me out tremendously to maintain my sanity by just getting it out, especially in my current work (and life?) situation. I'm sure there has been a ton going on for you; it's been forever! Back in classes? Work, family? Mystery women?? ;)
from integrating :
Pest control took care of those freakin ants, lol. Unfortunately it's driven the roaches from their hiding spaces. I've only seen a few, but I refuse to leave with them. They're disgusting! Miss ya!
from silver4 :
Thanks for the note! How have you been? Yea, I have a lot going on, but it's mostly under control. Hopefully these changes work out as planned!!
from integrating :
Well thank you. :)
from integrating :
I know what you mean about nothing to write about. I probably shouldn't be writing at all right now. LOL
from integrating :
Glad to hear you haven't totally forgotten us. :)
from integrating :
Where are you? I miss you!
from silver4 :
Yes, apparently we all need one, we just don't realize it until it happens. Definitely recentered me. Hope you are well!
from erases :
I'm actually doing pretty good man. Do yourself a solid, my man: go rent and watch Star Trek 1, then go and see Star Trek 2. You will not be disappointed. Superman looks great, dude. I hope that it's going to be really good. That trailer where he looks up to the sky, shuts his eyes and takes off - is sick. Where have you been, stranger?
from integrating :
Thanks for the note. Yeah, dad can be very impatient but I don't let him steamroll me like he's used to doing.
from musikoid :
Oh God - I am such a poor reader. I just caught up with your last two entries, and I'm still not sure I grasped it all. I would definitely avoid websites such as you described. I got hooked on this one site -- I don't want to spell the url in case you also get hooked - but it was similar in stories of shock-value. Ironically, it was run by cops -- (well, maybe that's not so ironic.) But to the more salient aspects, if you can stop beating yourself up, bro, you will be so greatly enriched. I mean -- for a guy who is as clearly a great man as you are, you just knock the ever-lovin' shit out yourself, dude! I really pray you can see yourself a little more clearly -- the way I see you, the way others probably see you. The way GOD sees you. Now about the weight thing, I was up at 235lbs. at 6'0" about ten years ago. I lost 30lbs by dieting, then another 30 by getting back into long-distance running after a 4 year hiatus. I was so fat I thought I'd never run again. Mainly, I stopped eating out in restaurants. I had to lose about 25 lbs before I could manageably run, then the running did the rest. I'm at 168lbs now, and feeling good. You can do it!
from integrating :
Am I psychic for knowing that would happen?
from integrating :
I wrote something but it didn't show up. In case it should show up...I'm just so isolated I obsess over not even being able to say hi to him everyday. And I'm really feeling sad and sorry for myself. I'm fantasizing about suicide. I hate when I feel like this.
from integrating :
Thanks, but boy am I planning my suicide. (Not seriously, just feeling sorry for myself.) I am so low. I am so isolated I have nothing else to think about. And I think of him every minute of every day and it makes me cry not to be able to even say hi everyday. I feel like he hates me. It's hard.
from grapecloud :
I know how you feel, but it makes me so sad to see you give up like this. You always make me feel better and encourage me to try, I really want to encourage you, too. I think taking a break from school is okay, just make sure that you try to spend some time during the break figuring out what you want to do. I've thought about quitting school so many times that it isn't even funny, I'd probably be a millionaire if I got a dollar for every time I did. I didn't get any job out of my music degree, and I rarely use my knowledge from it, either, which is sad. I've fallen into a lazy pattern lately. Sometimes I wish I hadn't worked so hard and spent so long getting that degree. But, I miss those days and I will ALWAYS cherish those memories and the ability and chance that I had. Even though I will be paying for it the rest of my life, it's worth it. And even the classes I'm taking now are fun, and the people here treat me like a family, and we all help each other out in classes. So I think you should take other things into consideration besides just making money, since education can enrich you personally as well. I know that you will bounce back because you are a strong person, if you weren't you wouldn't be able to support others the way you do. On another note, did you get the e-mail I sent you on Thursday? I swear you sent me an e-mail after Christmas, because I saw a notification on my computer, but I never saw the e-mail, and I can't find the notification on my computer anymore. So I wondered if I was imagining things. Also, you should watch more Parks and Rec, because it gets way better. I would recommend starting pretty much anywhere, though season 2 is good because you can see the characters relationships change (and boy do they change!). Sorry this is so long, just wanted to write this all, and wasn't sure if you were/are getting my e-mails.-Duck
from integrating :
Thanks for the encouraging words. I can't help but obsess about this until it is over, which should be pretty quickly now, but my mom, dad, aunt all tell me to stop worrying because I'm only making myself sick. Which is true. I try to not worry but I really have a hard time not. Like this morning. First thing I think of when I woke up was what will I do if the law shows up at my door. It is all consuming. I will try not to worry about it.
from musikoid :
"I've been reading a lot of my friends entries and it seems like they are all battling something that resides deep within them." You know, that is really poignant. I've noticed that among my/our friends too. But I never thought to put it that way, until now.
from silver4 :
Hey! Yes, I am definitely in need of a change for my work situation, it isn't making me happy, and I am a big proponent of following my heart to find what makes me happy. I told a few of the people in the office, the ones who I know it will affect the most, and they are saddened but they understand. I don't plan on moving anymore, I gave up on that thought since I'm sure I should just stick around this city. If anything, I will just go back to Texas for visits :) Relationship-wise, all is okay for now. I am happy with him, but time will show where it goes. I don't have any expectations for the relationship at this point, it is still too early. I'll wait until we hit the one year mark before I gain any real confidence in it. Right now I want to get my career and future on track. How about you? I see you are posting every now and then again and taking a break from school? Anything interesting going on personally?
from integrating :
Thank you. Everything's been submitted now. It's all in God's hands now.
from musikoid :
Yeah I hope the job works out. It's still in the very early (training) stages but if I can't get a good night's sleep around here -- I don't, I just gotta be patient. Inwardly, I'm really not sure I'm healthy enough (mentally) to work...
from erases :
I think that's the tragedy of life: no one can stop life and time from passing them by. You just have to enjoy what you have while you can.
from musikoid :
You'd probably enjoy the group Dark Alliance on Facebook. They're all into all kinds of martial arts, with a spiritual emphasis. About the class cost, this is always one of my hurdles when people suggest various things I ought to do. Also, it's probably important in both our cases that the class or group (or whatever) be easily accessible on foot or by public transportation, since we don't drive. I think I miss out on a lot of opportunities by not being able to get there and pay for them. But still, I don't think you need to do nearly as much work on yourself as you claim. We all need to work on ourselves, of course, but you should know that most people perceive you to be an unusually great guy.
from musikoid :
Funny, I had just changed the password *again* just before I got your email. Otherwise, I'd have dropped what I was doing (writing my entry) to answer your mail sooner. Anyway, the new user/pass should be in your Inbox. I'll go read your new entry now.
from musikoid :
I sent it. Sorry it took a while, I spaced it out among other things. But say, I didn't know you didn't have a license. Come to think of it, you've mentioned being on the bus before. If it helps any, my brother Steve is 57 years old, never got a license (or learned to drive) and is a multi-millionaire. Not sure if that helps any. Me, I haven't driven a car since March 19, 2004. I can't say I don't miss it, but I *can* say I'm not sure I know how to drive anymore! Anyway, point is, life without driving is possible. But I hope you can get your license, if it is meaningful for you. Happy New Year.
from musikoid :
I've got two email addresses for you. I'll send the user/pass to both, and why don't you write back from your preferred email, so I'll know which one to use in the future. Yeah - let's Skype. I'll have 20 years free of tobacco cigarettes at midnight tonight and shall celebrate. Happy New Year.
from silverluna :
My mother got her driver's license when she was 40. It's not too late!
from musikoid :
LOL I think I *might* have an idea how superstitious you are -- and it's hard for an Introvert sometimes to step out of the customary mode -- but where you wrote "I pray at 12 am on the dot and then I call everyone I know and wish them a Happy New Year" I just gotta tell you man that is really something beautiful. I hope you have a great night -- we should talk on Skype again sometime. You are such a good man.
from integrating :
Hey! Foot doesn't hurt too bad, but that boot they gave me is impossible to walk in. So, I don't wear it. I guess it's worse in the morning, but hurts after riding buses all day, like today. Don't feel like doing anything since I got home but nap. Hoping you have a Happy New Year, with no drama! hahaha
from illusionless :
Thank you. I hope you enjoyed yours too even though it was different than the usual.
from a-d-w :
how can you be sure? hah. have a good day.
from silverluna :
Merry Christmas!
from integrating :
Thank you for the Get Well. I hope it gets better too. I hate the thought of surgery.
from erases :
Thought you bailed brother, note me your email for a password.
from silverluna :
Hello. I've read a few entries of yours myself.
from illusionless :
Glad to have you back. Sounds like you will have a nice and relaxing Christmas this year. Nothing wrong with that. Also instead of always pushing yourself to change why not work on accepting yourself as you are? Who you are is a wonderful person.
from musikoid :
You're such a great guy to begin with, it's funny when I hear you think you need to change. I think you judge yourself really harshly. Anyway, it sometimes helps for me to reduce the role or size of Christmas, and more-or-less just celebrate the Savior's birth in my heart, privately. It's too bad you don't get to be with your folks, but if it's become a regular thing, I could see where you would become apathetic. I probably would, too.
from a-d-w :
no worries man. but when are you going to start updating again?
from integrating :
I like the video. :)
from musikoid :
Hey man. I haven't been in a position to hear the song yet, but just wanted to say it's good to see you here again. Also (in case you haven't read me yet), Prop S did *not* pass -- much to everyone's surprise -- and so we are all still allowed to exercise 1st amendment rights on a par with those who are housed or shelter; therefore, no further ordinance to criminalize an underprivileged class. Strong victory for homeless rights advocates in this community. Otherwise, I'm doing okay. If you read, there's hard stuff in there, I hope nothing is offensive, I'm just working through weird shit. Good to see you.
from integrating :
Hi! Thanks for telling me my entries are worth reading. :) My son sat on my glasses like 10 yrs ago and I still haven't replaced them, haha!
from integrating :
Where'd ya go? I miss reading your entries.
from erases :
Gorgeous voice. Great song.
from illusionless :
That was a beautiful song. Thanks for thinking of me.
from enurta :
it just wasn't meant to be I guess....N is very upset about what happened but I've put my trust in God.
from musikoid :
No worries about taking a while to get back to me. The Mayor does seem to be catering to downtown businesses, all of which has come about since many of the businesses were sold to a single detached owner representing a special interest group. So there is money involved as political leverage as usual, and nothing is new under the sun. I'll see what's available online in the way of a petition; also, I'm not sure whether or not there will be another City Council meeting to discuss the measure again before the November vote. If so, I'll prepare something for my two minutes of allotted time. Also, I probably won't just "stand" when it becomes November. I was being dramatic. I'll sit while it's still legal, but hopefully I'll be inside by November. Thanks for reading.
from musikoid :
By the way, that was a great Inspirational Letter!
from musikoid :
I wrote the entry. http://musikoid.diaryland.com/120818_72.html
from musikoid :
A lot has been lost or stolen on my end lately. I've not been sleeping well, and I haven't been very well-focused. Also, like I wrote, I relapsed, and it has taken something of a toll on my health. However, it's a new day today; God's blessings are new every morning; I'm sober and happy (though brain-dead) -- and life goes on. Information on the Sit-Lie ordinance will be in my next entry. (I'd link you here but it would throw off the look of your Notes page.)
from enurta :
wise words to live by. just keep all you wrote in mind every day, no matter how shitty the day has been...that's what I try to do.
from enurta :
then I guess you've seen Bleach? I was so sad when it all ended....the manga is on-going though.
from enurta :
N is so good to me. I think that's why V hates him so much. btw, noticed that you like anime! I'm totally addicted to it :P what's your favorite? have you seen Death Note? Gungrave? do you watch naruto? sorry about all the questions but whenever I meet someone who likes anime I go crazy :D
from musikoid :
Yeah, nice entry. Well, about the computer, yeah I probably expected too much of myself. But this time I'll be more careful. Pretty sure it was the processor which was only 1.4ghz, dual but still. There's one a little more expensive with a four-core 2.3ghz Intel processor and 4gb RAM; I'm sure that would do. I'd have had to have traded back in my backpack and mouse to get it, though. So I just decided to get the money back and wait till next month.
from enurta :
wow. uplifting entry <3
from musikoid :
Meant: 11pm.
from musikoid :
I'm the same way. If I go to sleep too early, I will wake up three or four hours later, and not be able to get back to sleep at all. Sometimes I have to train myself to go down a couple hours later, so as to increase the chances of sleeping till early morning, and not waking in the middle of the night. (This has been easier though since being outside again, since at most spots if I go down before 11am I get rousted out by local cops or security guards, etc.)
from musikoid :
One thing I think we both might tend to do is to go to extremes in a lot of situations. Like, maybe spending a lot of time watching anime and streaming television is a little extreme, but then cutting out the Internet entirely is also another extreme. I've been in both places, not with anime but with my own obsessions. I think it might be the obsession itself that is the bad thing, not necessarily the thing being obsessed on. If we could moderate in most cases it will be helpful. Same for me goes for the running, but I think that if I were to be obsessed with one or the other, to get obsessed with running and getting into great shape and maybe even competing, training for races, etc.; is a better place to put the obsession, for me, than into social or recreational Internet situations. But either way, it is still an obsession and I spoil things if I go to extremes. Thanks for your note -- yeah, running becomes increasingly exhilirating all the time now.
from illusionless :
It is accommodation because the lessons from the teacher were for the students and by sending them to me I could put them in accessible format for myself to look over and read in advance to better be equipped to help the class during that time, but that's all in the past. It is frustrating, but what else can I do but try to pull through? I am trying to be more positive about looking for work. Counseling is really helping me realize that.
from musikoid :
You have a strong sense of family, and that's a good thing. It seems a lot of people these days disregard family totally. Although you worry about them a lot and these weird situations arise, at least it shows that you care. A lot of people don't even care.
from illusionless :
Sorry for all the family crap going on. You have plenty to pass on to your nieces/nephews and others! Your diary alone is proof of that.
from enurta :
'I taught myself that it best to hide your feelings and that people will eventually abandon me' - the story of my life. you are not alone <3
from newschick :
thanks. it means a lot, honestly. take care xo
from musikoid :
The backpack thing -- if you want to do that, it would be a great favor. But I'm okay for now, just with the binder clips. They're almost as effective as the zipper, I barely notice the difference. And I don't have a big huge pack or a lot of stuff. I want to be able for it to handle the laptop, however. I'll get paid on around the 3rd, and I think I might get a new pack at the Radio Shack or wherever I pick up the laptop. Money will be tight, but these are all my choices, and you don't have to send me any money, really. Thanks for the thought, but I'll be all right. On the God stuff, you know I rant, but deep down I know it is not *God* who is out to get me. It's only the self-destructive aspects of my own self. Thanks for your note! Oh and I personally have never played a computer game or video game, so I don't know anything about X-box or WOW or Play Station or any of the other stuff everybody talks about. I'm kinda glad, because I would probably get uber-addicted, knowing me. One time I joined the Online Chess Club and couldn't stop playing chess all day, trying to keep a high rating. So I do know what game-related addictions can be like.
from illusionless :
If you want to update less here it's up to you, but maybe it might help if you track your progress here? We all love to see how you are doing. :)
from illusionless :
'If you don't try, you're allowing failure to be the only thing you can succeed at.' I've never had anyone explain it to me that way before. That sentence threw me for a loop the first time I read it. After I read the note through I read that sentence a few more times. It's true what you say. Thank you!
from enurta :
thank you so much for the up-lifting note :)
from erases :
some things fade away quicker than others
from illusionless :
You are correct my friend.
from a-d-w :
keep on truckin', buddy
from musikoid :
I know what you mean about feeling nervous around people and getting slowed down when that happens in work situations.
from erases :
and they will, my friend.
from musikoid :
I'm having a hard time focusing on Internet stuff now, due to constant time pressure on library machines and such. I haven't read your entries yet but just want to say it's all right man, I'll be all right. I just need to focus and solve all these problems. For me, first and foremost, gotta figure out where to load my music disks, because if I stop writing music, I really will go crazy.
from enurta :
I'll write an entry about it. it's a long story. <3
from musikoid :
No I don't have the key yet. Things are pretty bad. I'll try and write an entry while I still have computer time at the library.
from illusionless :
Then why do I feel like I'm walking the same path as her?
from integrating :
(Hi! Haven't been on in a while, just caught up on your entries.) That meditation CD I ordered has been very helpful in changing my attitude. It has breathing exercises which relax me and a section of positive affirmations. It works. You should give it a try. Peace
from erases :
every. day.
from musikoid :
Oh I forgot to answer your question. I'm going to send her a card in the mail. She's got to take care of her Mom in her old age, and I need to stop bothering her about this and that.
from musikoid :
I wrote the last note after just having written a depressed entry and then reading yours, I thought you might have still be online and then seen what I meant. But yeah, I'm feeling better now. Things are still kind of weird, but I'm making a concerted effort to pull myself together. It's definitely more peaceful in the room now knowing that Ch. won't be coming in and out. I don't think the work is finished though, and Th. will need to hire somebody else. But at least probably I'll have a break from all the activity. This town in general, though, is a small crowded college town, and it isn't very easy for one to find space.
from musikoid :
Woah dude - you're in about the same mood as I'm in. :(
from integrating :
I ordered a Yoga for Beginners DVD and a meditation CD which I just started using both. Very helpful with back and anxiety. Thanks!
from integrating :
Hi! If you have Netflix you should watch The Secret. It's all about The Law of Attraction. It's too much to explain in a note, but basically you imagine what you want or who you want to be and you make that a reality by focusing on it. A woman cured her cancer simply by continuously saying "Thank you for my healing." And she made herself laugh everyday by watching comedy. I recommend everyone look into The Laws of Attraction. Maybe you could find something about it on the internet. :)
from musikoid :
You know, I'm kind of like that too, in certain areas. For example, I tend to think I'll never be able to get the whole grocery thing right, and stuff like that, and I often fall back on poor eating habits. But the truth is that we do have the power to change all such things just as long as we believe that we can.
from erases :
thanks man! hope you're doing well
from musikoid :
I just read your entry -- sorry I haven't been keeping up with you. I don't know what the 'family drama' is but am wondering if you could save money by moving back in with your Mom? But like I said, I haven't been keeping up, so I'm not clear on the exact situation. I do know that you're going to be all right, though. Um - I'm locked again, write me for the user/pass. Hope to hear from you soon.
from silver4 :
Yeah... The Texas thing is impractical for now. I'd hate to have to uproot my life and move, again. And I'm sure I will never truly be appreciated at any office, I just have to make my own place. I have to just find something semi comfortable for the meantime until I can pull it together :/ how are you doing? What is your next move?
from integrating :
Thank you for the belated happy birthday :)
from i-lost-sarah :
i just wrote an entry about how "splitting" is a ridiculous term and i don't believe in it so the following is going to sound like utter crap coming from me but-- if your problem is caring too much, wouldn't the solution be caring an adequate amount instead of the glaring, cigarette puffing, i deeply loathe you all attitude? i mean i love the french :) i think that's a wonderful personality to adopt but... maybe not for the reasons you outlined? no? yes? i don't know. i don't know what the hell an 'adequate amount' is--my point is (im just pretending this is my point-mostly, rambling) maybe it's supposed to be a balancing act? i shut up now.
from illusionless :
I can understand how you are feeling. I feel the same way about myself. Does your school have a counselor you can talk too?
from integrating :
Thanks for the upbeat message! You are an awesome person.
from illusionless :
Anytime you are available to record the blog is fine by me. We should do one of mine as well. Get both of them done lol. I hope you passed your first semester! :)
from integrating :
Crap! By you saying I was on a roll with my book, I realized something. I'm typing double-spaced one-sided pages. I can't count those as chapters! Thanks for commenting or I would have made an ass of myself, lol
from integrating :
HI! Yeah, Sabotage is very cool, the video is badass.
from illusionless :
Also the course that you are taking. Do you know HTML and CSS? Did you learn much about web design? If so could you maybe teach me?
from illusionless :
I would love to participate in a gamer blog you are doing! Anytime you want to make a blog video with me on my end let me know. We can talk about anything. If you haven't seen any of my previous blogs on youtube go watch them.
from silver4 :
Thanks for the message..yea I am happy and all, but I just have a disconnect which is unfortunate for myself and others. I wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose and I will def cut things off before any real emotions come forth from the other side. I can try to care but it takes time. I'm patient, I will see what happens here!
from erases :
avengers was amazing! def go see it if you get the chance, my friend
from illusionless :
Don't be so hard on yourself! The church that I go too, everybody wears casual attire, shirts and jeans. It's come as you are. All the other churches I went too had dress up attire and it just wasn't me. I applaud you for trying to get out there. I'm still trying to get out there. Maybe look up some meet-ups or community clubs around your area. Then you can meet people with mutual interests.
from illusionless :
It's difficult to make friends in post-secondary institutions. When I attended Humber in Toronto I couldn't for the life of me make any friends! Only acquaintances that would shortly fade away, but don't give up. It's strange because at Algonquin I have had the opposite experience, many people want to talk and hang with me and we become friends. I used to be the way you describe yourself now, wanting to make connections, but not good at expressing yourself. For me it even went as far as not knowing what to say once I was faced with a social interaction and that scared me! So I started with the basics and formed a template in my head to help me through every social interaction until it came naturally. For example (Greeting --> Introduce myself -->Ask How he/she is -->Feed off of environment(what are you doing? why are you taking this class? etc.) --> Talk about some of your interests and see if they respond. I hope this helps. Also I hope you are doing well in your studies now. Sorry for the long ramble of a note. lol Stay well my friend.
from a-d-w :
took me two and a half years at uni to make a proper friend. it's normal, dude. p.s. interesting last entry
from grapecloud :
I'll e-mail you to explain it.
from integrating :
You're right. I'm just in the middle of a huge pity party. Thank you for your words.
from integrating :
Aww, I just read your post. Don't be so hard on yourself. None of us are perfect. All you can do is just give it your best.
from integrating :
LOL, I forgot I even wrote about writing a romance novel. It's frustrating. I'm trying to write before finishing the Dummies book. I've written the first page but keep making revisions. I like my characters but the story doesn't fit in with the series I want to write for. Oh well, gotta keep reading. Thanks for your support too. :)
from silver4 :
I don't like that you are discouraged about school and that your grades are suffering...time to switch that up! Maybe take less classes next semester so you can focus more on each class until you get back into the groove of the daily demands of college studying? You did a lot to get to where you are, don't give up hope or feel lost by a couple setbacks. Things will pick back up, you just have to rearrange your classes a little so that you can focus better. Do you look in to part time jobs on campus for extra money? It's tough for so many people to find work these days, extremely tough! Just keep looking and throw yourself out there, you deserve it. Good things will come, I know it sucks to have to wait patiently for the turnout, but it will come. Just take a moment or the weekend to reorganize your school priorities, it can help.. When I get frazzled and discouraged, I sometimes just sit with a pen and paper and outline a few new plans that will help me get to where I want to be. You have a support system out here, whether you know it or not. I'm sure your other readers are rooting for your success just as I am
from illusionless :
I'm ok. No worries.
from integrating :
yeah, i finally have all my windows blacked out cuz the sun rising was like a giant spot light in my eyes, frickin hurt!
from stellarrobot :
Firstly, grey hair hair is the total hotness. Secondly, good on you for studying. Studying is a truly horrendous shit-fest, but you are working on something that you want, and that is also hot. Thirdly, I like you. I like you even though you apologise for 'cursing', because somehow you even make that seem hot.
from a-d-w :
hey dude, i don't think taking a while to ease back into academia means you're disorganised. you're more organised than i am because you're actually jumping in and doing it, not just talking about it like yours truly. which is pretty cool, i reckon. have a good time back home mate
from girl101 :
I love Agatha Christie too! I read all her books when I was younger - literally all her books. Every one. And the plays. And you'd think after all that I'd know who committed the crime...
from illusionless :
I've gotten into some bad habits too. It's inevitable when living on your own. My newest one is called Second Life lol!
from erases :
Some days are worse than others, but I'll make it through. How are you?
from raygirl999 :
Good luck with everything! I used to not like studying either. A few things that have helped include: taking public transportation and studying on there. I used to take the subway back and forth for an hour or so just to study. You can't watch TV or talk on the phone so it was perfect. The bus is good too because you still can't watch TV. Going to the library was good only if I set a certain amount of time to be there. Like 1 hour, 2 hours and that's it. Just work my butt off for two hours and go home. Reading at the gym is good too. Writing like a page a day and that's it. Don't overwhelm yourself. Give yourself a treat and don't feel guilty if you don't work on stuff 24 hours a day! Work for an hour or two then watch as much TV as you want! Start your assignments the day you get them so you can do a little bit each day. Good luck!
from integrating :
Hard as it may be, I'm going to have to cut him out of my life. He's putting me right back where I was before I started taking medications. And that's not a good place to be.
from illusionless :
Thanks! It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. That in itself makes me feel better. I have faith that you will do well in your classes. Try to think of what made you go into the program in the first place. You must enjoy your program since you are in it and if not than why not consider seeing a career counselor or switch to a different program? There are endless options. I also think that hard work pays off. You can do whatever you set your mind too as well man! Go for it!
from a-d-w :
thanks for the nice words man. did you smile at that girl?
from integrating :
Yay!..Thanks for the comment! :)
from enurta :
yeah you're right. thanks for reminding me <3
from integrating :
"I lost my train of thought..." That made me laugh :)...nice entry.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the note. The exercise is something I want, but I feel like I'm tackling so much all at once right now. I don't know when I will get around to exercising and putting that goal into motion.
from illusionless :
Why not write about classes and stuff? It doesn't all have to be for an audience. I just write for myself, whatever I have to get off my chest or for posterity later, regardless if others think it's boring or not! Writing in a diary is about writing for yourself first and an audience second my friend! :)
from integrating :
Thank you and thanks for the words of kindness. :)
from integrating :
I've enjoyed reading your diary. :)
from silver4 :
Thank you and congrats on the move! You will rock the next two years i'm sure.. And I LOVE thirty, I've been waiting since like 27.. It's not downhill to me, it's just a new stage and I embrace it :)
from a-d-w :
hey i think you'll have a great time studying. embrace it!
from illusionless :
Glad to see things are well with you! I look forward to talking on skype with you! I'm thinking of starting an audio blog on youtube, do you want to be one of my guests? We just pick a topic and talk about it lol. We could talk about anything like anime for instance.
from illusionless :
Hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile. How is school? What's going on?
from illusionless :
Happy New Year to ya! 2012 should be a great one!
from enurta :
Thanks! Happy holidays, (I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, I hope you'll find an apartment soon) <3
from illusionless :
Chels is the one who stole my credit card and swiped bills from my purse. In short she's stolen from me on several occasions.
from raygirl999 :
I think what you have done and are doing shows you as being wonderfully human. Yes you lied to your mom, but that was to avoid pain for her. Most people lie to avoid pain for themselves. And you comforting your co-worker shows that you are kindhearted as well. I wish you nothing but success and don't worry, I've been out of the house 12 years and my mom STILL tries to get me to come back home. That's what mama's do :-)
from illusionless :
I think what your mother is saying/feeling is normal. When I was leaving for Ottawa my family was telling me how I shouldn't go because it would make them sad. My mom cried and hugged me, telling me how sad she was that I was leaving on the day that I was leaving. Give her time. It is a big adjustment for your mom it sounds like, but as time passes I'm sure she will see how happy you are and be happy for you. Besides there is always telephone, skype, text, msn, and other means of communication. Plus you can come back and visit. It's a big and exciting change for you and your loved ones. Go for it!
from silver4 :
Lol you are right about the sister in law worse than a mother in law situation here! It should be interesting. And yeah, R, it is what it is. Who knows what silly thing fate or the stars has lined up. I guess I know the answer to that, but it is hard to accept. As for you, I think we all feel kinda empty and alone sometimes. Dland is a good place to feel like someone cares and is listening. This place really is my therapy, with a bunch of faceless therapists haha..hang in there
from stellarrobot :
And, big guys rock. I'm just saying...
from stellarrobot :
My little sister wants to know what a lacto-ovo vegetarian is. Because I have no idea. And thank you, I will actually be rolling up something tonight and chilling watching trash and eating felafel tabouli something something.... Shall be awesome-o. Also, I think you have totally solved a mystery for me as to why a guy, who I think likes me, acts annoyed with me. Cos in my head, I am super hot and it irritates him.
from grapecloud :
You have to let me know how that number thing works out. I've been thinking about getting a new cell phone number myself, I don't really like Verizion anymore. I've had mine since high school, and I sometimes wonder if it is a dead weight I carry around. I'm not sure what to say about your mother's comments. It's strange that she wouldn't call you handsome, but my mother never called me beautiful. I honestly think most guys see me as their little sister, so I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels pigeonholed in a category with the opposite sex. I wish I had advice about it, though, but I'm not sure what to write. I'm not good with guys, and I know almost nothing about girls (most of my friends are guys, actually). But I am still on here, and I do read your diary. Let me know how things go!-*Duck*
from illusionless :
I should be available to skype on the 20th Sunday.
from silver4 :
Hahaha no I'm not sad at all about that! It's hilarious to me :)
from and-the-way :
Spending too much money on clothes? Story of my life haha!
from silver4 :
Btw im right there with you on the comforter and new iPhone; I'm shopping for both this weekend! My duvet doesn't do the trick and it's getting cold, and I dropped my phone and broke the screen and I want the upgrade anyways! I'm copying you :)
from silver4 :
Hey, you deserve to buy yourself nice things every now and then! Enjoy your purchases, in the end it's just money. As long as you can take care of what's important. I think we all deserve what we want and sometimes we have to just give in and follow our cravings. I buy myself a gift every few paychecks, you should too!
from a-d-w :
i bet lots of stuff happens during your day, loads of cool conversations. you just don't think people would be interested!
from illusionless :
Thanks. I feel like I am racing against everyone because of society and peoples expectations. When will it be the last time I try to get my life together and actually keep it together? How are you these days?
from illusionless :
Feel free to put your two-cents in anytime. I'm glad to see you are so determined to get another job and go back to school!
from musikoid :
Mostly pretty good -- thanks for asking. Do you not have Facebook anymore? I looked for you there the other day but couldn't find you. I'm usually there, and sort of 'in between blogs' on WordPress. Anyway, it's good to re-connect with you.
from and-the-way :
They were great! Probably the best concert I've ever been to (not that I've been to many).
from musikoid :
One good way of breaking bad habits is to replace them with something positive. It takes a while and a little bit of discipline, but after a while your mind makes the association and it becomes second nature, just like any other habit. The thing is not to get discouraged in the process, because it does take time. You might be a bit of a perfectionist, you know.
from silver4 :
Ohh nooo! If I do pancakes I have to go all out, there is no healthy route for me! I need buttery bisquick pancakes drenched in mrs butterworths, it's the only way :) sounds like I have a weekend treat in store!
from enurta :
wow. your diary looks great. did you do it by yourself?
from illusionless :
I have a friend who likes High School of the Dead. I've never seen it. One of these days I will.
from illusionless :
I can so relate with what you're going through. Your words inspire me.
from stellarrobot :
I totally dig dudes who cry. Just fyi. In case you wanted to do a survey.
from grapecloud :
Thank you as always for your notes of encouragement. I'm pretty sure the last one brought tears to my eyes, it was so sweet! I greatly admire the lengths you go to to help your family. I hope to be able to do that for those around me as well. Also, good luck with moving and going to school. I bet you'll do great because you seem to have a plan in place and the will power to stick to it. Those are pretty important things for success and if you pace yourself properly, you'll do fine. I'll have to keep reading and you'll obviously update on things that are going on. I always enjoy reading your diary because it's so inspiring. Good luck with everything!-Duck
from raygirl999 :
Good luck with school and congrats! Sounds like you have a good plan in place.
from illusionless :
I'm so proud of you for formulating a plan for school and how you will pay for it. that's great! And don't worry about not knowing how to help me, by this point I realize that I am the only one who can help me. I find writing the process down to be very helpful. I'm honoured that you are still reading and commenting. Thanks.
from silver4 :
Congrats on your acceptance! That's awesome, you deserve it and should be proud of yourself!! As for me...I should write a book or something, I think I'm am expert at this point! I'm assuming I'm exuding some very specific, particular pheromone that attracts only them. That's the only answer.. It has to be.
from enurta :
hey, thanks for the note :) this new tattoo is number 4. i don't plan to get another one........like.......EVER. it hurt so bad after 2 hours, I almost fainted because of the pain.
from illusionless :
Congrats on being accepted back to school! That's wonderful! I'm sure your mom will come around. Parents want to see their children succeed and be happy. Good luck. It sounds like you are going about things the right way.
from illusionless :
I'm sorry you lost a friend. I totally understand what it's like when friendships run their course and it's time to move on. Maybe it's for the best for both of you and you will make new and better friends in the future.
from illusionless :
I've been a member of the work force before. I've had plenty of jobs, I think the main thing is that I always had a safety net. For example (student, volunteer, had a family member high up in the business) There was always something I could rely on, but now there won't be. I haven't worked since my major depressive episodes became too frequent either. That's another fear. There is so much to think about and overcome.
from silver4 :
Hopefully you find what you're looking for soon..
from stellarrobot :
It's a mutual like then! Come visit me in your travels.
from illusionless :
Hey, how are you? I miss you. We haven't talked in ages! I hope you are doing well. Let's get in contact again soon.
from silver4 :
Lol yes!! Kind of...err...maybe not quite... :) at least my ticket was a lot cheaper than their bail!
from illusionless :
I think you are right and all my other friends have said the same thing. I will see her, but also date others and if something happens then I just won't say anything. Technically it's not her business what I do on other dates anyway.
from illusionless :
I understand what you mean by change, but this is a very complicated and fast change. It seems to me like Dad is quickly cutting everything about Step-mom out of his life. It doesn't seem wise what he is doing for me. I might write about it in more detail at a later date.
from grapecloud :
First off, thank you so much for your messages, they are very inspiring to me! Second, thank you for reading "Hazel and Duane", as you are the second person to have read it (and Megan only read a very rough draft so I'm not sure it totally counts) and I'm glad you're enjoying it. I'm working on a prequel called "Hazel and Solomon" now and it's actually going to be about Hazel's college years (so very little Duane, but more of most everyone else). I'm thinking of writing a sequel to "Hazel and Duane" (you'll know why when you read how it ends). I agree with a lot of what you've told me in your notes, and I'm going to try and work on that stuff. I think my patience is just not as good as I thought it was. Also, I read your latest entry and I totally think you should continue your education. Your Mom will probably worry about you at first, and even after a while, but it's for your benefit to get out there and see some new things and learn new things as well. Yeah, it's nerve wracking, I mean, I totally intend to leave where I am someday as well. Good luck with it though, I do think you should do it and I imagine you will. And just as you are going to support me, I will support you as well, even though I can't do so in person. So go for it, because you will have quite a few people supporting you! (And more if I develop split personalities due to stress at some point. : P )-*Duck*
from a-d-w :
apparently, a lot of people had their pets destroyed beforehand. which is probably not the positive thing you may have been hoping for.
from a-d-w :
no more discounts, i spent too much on books anyway. libraries are far better. i reckon you should just jump into a new situation otherwise you'll talk yourself out of it every time, i get the feeling we are kind of similar in that respect. do it!
from illusionless :
Remember many months ago you put up an entry with a music player with a single song? (It was an anime song I think) Do you know what site you got that player from? It would be cool to find a site that allows you to make multiple playlists or have you be able to post 1 playable song at a time. Thanks.
from a-d-w :
yeah she's a music theatre teacher. i have some friends who are very different to me. anyway good luck with learning to drive, it's super easy once you've done it a couple of times.
from a-d-w :
i'm at a point where my need for it to go away is becoming an oppressive push on my psyche!
from illusionless :
Hi. Good to hear your continuing to work on things. I believe in you. We should talk on skype sometime.
from silver4 :
I know, it's exasperating! I wish I had a real answer but I think the work environment has just gradually become so negative and tense, and there are so many disagreements happening daily... It's just poor management lately and some bad decisions being made. Pretty rough to deal with but I just keep smiling until I find something better, can't get too caught up in it! How are things with you??
from minstrelite :
I would almost say, as I have before, that you're just too hard on yourself. But the thing is, I know that, if you're anything like me, then once you do get cracking again, you'll feel fulfilled, and it will be as though none of this present guilt had ever happened. I think it is guilt, too. It's an awful thing to have to live with. I had this conversation with someone the other night, just a random guy I met in a coffeeshop. We were talking, and he said it sounded to him like I was supposed to be a teacher. I told him I had been a teacher and that I felt guilty for no longer teaching. He was about your age, 23 or so, and he told me that once I start teaching again, I will feel so great that it will be just as if I had never felt guilty in the first place. I thought that was very wise. In any case, nobody even has thoughts anywhere near the kind of thoughts you're thinking without eventually getting it together and acceding to a fulfilling and useful life. I believe in you.
from stellarrobot :
Hey champ, you're totally right: there's a lesson in everything. (Also you are quite the loveliest).
from lifeasadream :
Thank you very much for your concern! I am currently in Japan visiting a friend but everything so far is okay where I am in Tokyo.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for updating and for your prayers. I like what you admitted about having regrets. Anyone who says they live "with no regrets" also has no conscience. Nobody is perfect, everybody fucks up every now and then, and for a person not to regret it when they do shows there's something seriously wrong. So thank you for saying that.
from a-d-w :
good to read from you man. yeah, maybe just a small hole in my head where all the interesting bits about my life are leaking out and never making it to my diary. but i'm the same as you, around and reading, even if i don't have much to say
from illusionless :
Welcome back even if it is briefly. I miss reading your entries I'll admit. How are things? We should chat on msn one of these days.
from a-d-w :
ONE of you brothers got the meaning of christmas, anyway. don't feel that love and honour and respect are not adequate things to give. think of how many people in life you give your love to? not many, which is what makes it so special, right? merry christmas dude, it's all over again until next year
from musikoid :
I might have missed something, but if you don't mind my asking, what happened to your sister? I tend to get discouraged easily too. But I think my main problem is I don't always see things all the wway through. The two are related. About your brother, I can see how that could be pretty depressing. He's taking for granted that everybody will overlook the obvious, and that's very presumptuous of him. Anyway, thank you for writing in such detail. I find it helps to get all that out. You're obviously a really good guy.
from erases :
you too, man! merry christmas!
from blackmambo :
Making a list is just a good idea.i know it helps me a lot when I want to plan my days. You know its kinda funny that you commented on an old entry of mine but it works since it did start raining this week. I will try to have a new entry soon but it is hard when I don't have much to say either. Happy holidays :)
from musikoid :
It may sound dumb, but I always find it helpful to make a written list. That way you can see the tangible evidence of progress as you cross things off the list. Also, I haven't been getting out enough either. It's the cold weather partly, but that doesn't usually deter me. It might be that my body needs the rest that the current manifestation of shelter provides. In any case, we ought not to be too hard on ourselves, you know.
from musikoid :
I was just reading your entry from December 3rd. I know what you mean about becoming 'illuminated' after regaining a very shiny part of yourself that you had lost sight of. The key would be how never to lose sight of who you really are - yet it is natural for us to do so. We all lag in that race against ourselves. If it helps any, not to get religious on you, but I was immediately reminded of a couple statements that Jesus made during the Sermon on the Mount: "The light of the body is the eye; if then your eye is true, all your body will be full of light. But if your eye is evil, all your body will be dark. If then the light which is in you is dark, how dark it will be! (Matthew 6:22-23) Also: "You are the light of the world. A town put on a hill may be seen by all. And a burning light is not put under a vessel, but on its table; so that its rays may be shining on all who are in the house. Even so let your light be shining before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16)" - Maybe if we meditate on those words, it will help.
from stellarrobot :
Wow, talk about FUCKED UP! What a traumatic experience, I hope your sis gets better soon. (PS: I think I may have been that elf!)
from blackmambo :
hey, glad to know your sister is ok.
from illusionless :
I understand what you are saying. I can relate a lot to what you say/write. It's important to accomplish things when we feel ready, not when we feel we *should* or when society expects us too.
from stellarrobot :
I always feel like my real awesome life is going to happen just a little bit in the future. Then I worry that time is running out, figure "Fuck that" and just chill out in my bath. The world is nuts. What happened to your sister?
from enurta :
omg, that's awful! why did someone shot them?? violence is never the answer. <3
from enurta :
sorry if I'm being rude but, what happened to your sister? <3
from musikoid :
It'll be in the mail in a few minutes. I'm just about to post. I'll send it to you before I write the entry.
from a-d-w :
hey man, if you are having trouble finding a place to volunteer see if they have a volunteer coordinator for your area. they will set you up with all these organisations that are needing assistance. then you'll have a bunch of options to choose from. i just wrote potions instead of options. i think having a bunch of potions would be better than having a bunch of options, or maybe the same thing. don't worry. i'm rambling.
from musikoid :
Oh I understand. I appreciate your wannting to give it a good listen and not just half-assed. Yes and I have sometimes had that experience. More frequently, I have the experience of liking one song one day and hating it the next, but that's just me. Anyway, I also need some sleep. I just posted, albeit somewhat wildly due to a mild level of inebriation. Then I left a note for myself instructing me not to delete the entry out of embarrassment in the morning. You can call me on that if you like.
from grapecloud :
I'm still reading (when I can). I haven't been writing either, or sleeping right. And I know how you feel about feeling lonely and not being where you feel you should be. I want to leave where I live, but my debt has me stuck here for a while. I'm trying to get involved in stuff, more, too. It honestly sounds like we're in a very similar boat, which is comforting to know. I hope you pull out of it okay!-*Duck*
from musikoid :
Two notes down, I meant "hers largely negative" (I left out the letter "r.")
from musikoid :
I think you meant "jot something down" (not "jolt") - I do that all the time. You can call me on it if you want. Also, I can really identify with the feeling that I'm not in the place in the world where I'd best be. I think it just takes patience, and not giving in to frustration. I believe that God has a plan for each of us, but that He reveals it on His timetable, not ours.
from musikoid :
Thanks for commenting, and there's certainly no rush. Some of it is stuff you've heard before anyway, in one form or another. I would definitely wait until you can listen to it all in a relaxed state. I feel a little guilty requiring 45 minutes of my friends' time, and I don't really expect anybody to listen to the whole thing. But when they do, it's great. One guy told me yesterday he had done that, and I got an email from someone last night. His response was largely positive, hes largely negative, but both are valuable. As always, thanks for listening.
from silver4 :
Haha thanks :) hope everything's going well for your sis and that she's recovering well..
from and-the-way :
oh my gosh! i'm glad your sister is okay. i couldn't even imagine what that must have felt like. the world makes no sense.
from newschick :
WOW. thank god she is okay. that is such an intense thing to happen... i will send good thoughts your way, esp for your sister to heal up quickly. xoxo
from illusionless :
Whoa! That is so scary! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm relieved that your sister and her friend are ok. What a horrifically frightening thing to have happen. Be strong. I'm here for you and I'll pray for you too.
from musikoid :
I almost ordered the one I linked to. Something is keeping me from spending too much more of my paycheck money, after having paid off my debts and gotten a few of the bare necessities. But I really do want a running watch. I don't need all the bells and whistles either, so maybe I'll just go to a drug store like a Walgreens and see if they have anything there. I might be able to pick one up for fifteen bucks or so.
from musikoid :
Well, thanks for the sentiment. Actually, though, I think that in my case it might be a good thing if I don't become too emotionally attached to the job. I've made that mistake in the past, and it's wound up triggering a whole chain of emotions, and then I somehow wind up blowing it with somebody, and maybe I lose the job. I'm actually happy to be able to proceed with more detachment, because I think it might lend itself to more long-term stability.
from and-the-way :
get the coolpix p90! that's what i used for a while until i upgraded to a DSLR. it really helps beginners learn basic stuff like aperture and shutter speed relationships. and the zoom is amazing.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I'll try to make an entry every morning.
from enurta :
thank you for your kind words...also, for the support <3
from musikoid :
That's interesting what you said about gaming. I am a person who procrastinates a lot, and I usually do so recreationally. I'm not sure if that's the same thing you're talking about, though. Um, I am a person you know who has been away for six months. I decided to come back under a different name that would not link to my real-life name, as I had run into some problems in this area before. Anyway, you can read me if you like.
from illusionless :
I don't blame you for defending your mom. I would be angry too if someone like your moms friend was treating my mom or dad like that. It's only natural. Your mom sounds like a very strong woman to be so forgiving.
from illusionless :
You're so lucky you saw Flyleaf in concert! I love that band!
from illusionless :
Yeah, it's pretty cool! Life will work out for you as well. Don't ever give up. Go for what you want even if it seems impossible. I'm sorry for missing you on skype last weekend by the way! :(
from illusionless :
I never said I would give her another chance, but I will be nice to her for myself and my father.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the pep talk. Really? I inspire you? Thanks! You inspire me too. You're such a free spirit and not afraid to challenge yourself. I wish I could be like you. Also let me know about your diary eh?
from erases :
you live in the now every day. you just need a place where people will see you for who you are. you need to find your place. tectonic plates breaking and rupturing constantly moving, floating on marshmallow inner core.
from illusionless :
I know how you feel. I have the same problem with procrastination. I agree with a-d-w. Just do little bits at a time or each day and things will eventually get done. I am starting to do that, especially on weekends when I have the tendency to be lazy and procrastinate the most. It's hard to get yourself motivated to do things, but I know you can do it! I believe in you! Oh, also I wanted to ask you, are you interested in diaryland templates at all? I was just wondering because I've had some people here on diaryland ask me how to do it and I helped them fix their diary up real nice! I'm not saying yours isn't nice. It looks great and easy to read. Just wondering that's all.
from a-d-w :
also, models don't eat so there will be no dinner-cooking for you. furthermore i used to be compulsively procrastinatory, i guess these days i just do things small bits at a time and it eventually gets done, which is better than doing no bits at a time and never getting it done
from a-d-w :
silly, that's why you have conversations in your head!
from a-d-w :
hey you didn't go into how you like a woman to dress. also sounds like you could form a pretty good imaginary friend there, like my own ;)
from a-d-w :
thanks for that. if you move to kansas city will you make toto jokes?
from illusionless :
Thanks for the congrats. I'll see you on msn Sunday! I should be on around 1pm or so. I'm going out with my brother and his wife for brunch at 11am. I haven't had the time to watch any new anime sadly, but have you watched School Days yet? I think you might like it or if you want another gory one like Elfen Lied, When The Cry is a good one.
from illusionless :
I'll do my best! :)
from a-d-w :
it's good that you're posting again.
from blackmambo :
you should come to my house so we can play sorry cause I love to play sorry.
from illusionless :
What do you mean I discovered you? Haha I know I write a lot. It's theraputic to do so I think.
from erases :
thanks man
from illusionless :
You're not the only one who wonders what happened to those things. I remember those days too.
from erases :
chin up man. you got this. find something that interests you, and it will reciprocate. it's happening to me; i'm right there with you. but i'm finding out that there are places meant for me to be. and being there is opening me up to a new world of happiness.
from a-d-w :
man it's been ages. yeah i am leaving that piece of poop job, i have gotten another at women's refuge which will hopefully be rewarding and challenging and fulfilling
from erases :
no problem. and i only wish i could play like them. hopefully i will, one day. how are you?
from erases :
your lack of presence as of late has not gone unnoticed.
from illusionless :
Hello. It's been awhile. Hope everything is working out well for you.
from taken-by-you :
I am very hesitant, indeed, to pick him up alone again. It's taken me two tries today, so far, but I get nervous and decide not to. I know that I will be bitten more, as he is still young - but my body's self-preservation makes it hard for me. =) I still thoroughly adore him, though - so I'm sure I'll find a way.
from minstrelite :
If you don't mind my input, I think the thing is, when we ask God for something (such as insight on a matter), we need to ask in faith, and then be looking for His answer in the events and circumstances of our lives, which may take days or even weeks or months. People pray persistently, incessantly, almost relentlessly until they get an answer. This is not to knock down what you are saying, because I too feel the futility of praying to silence, especially after building up the earnest expectation (or hope) that there will be an answer. But I think that sometimes we are impatient, and we give up too quickly on the hunt for the answer. The answer will come in due time if we let it.
from grapecloud :
Make that a humbucker and two single coil pickups. It's called a Fat Strat, but I notice they are never as popular as their single coil only counterparts, which is stupid because the switch allows you to just use the single coils for the same sound as a regular Strat.
from grapecloud :
So you're picking up guitar again? What kind do you play? I love electric guitar, even though I learned on an acoustic first (and play on a classical all the time now, sigh). I have a Gibson ES 137C, which is awesome and a Fender American Stratocaster with a humbucker and a single coil pickup (but the humbucker can be shut off so it's 3 single coils instead, like a regular Strat). I actually don't think they make the Strat like that anymore, I guess it's not very popular (though I think it's cool). I also have a cheap little Gibson electric, but I can't remember what that one was called. Good luck with picking it back up! I quit for a while myself, but I think once you pick it up, after a few weeks you'll remember most of it. Those calluses are hard to get back though, I've been playing for almost three years now and they haven't come back at all. Good luck!-*Duck*
from minstrelite :
I just now read your wonderful note, and I must thank you for that. I guess, after I wrote that one entry where I was discouraged, was when I went out and used. It's been hell since then, but I think I have finally recovered completely, no more twitches, no anxiety attacks, no chest pains. I'm just about back to normal, and tomorrow the sun will rise on a day with new hope and promise. I know that in your note there's a good spirit, and thank you for being so supportive. You are a good man.
from illusionless :
That's awesome! I'm looking forward to hearing you accomplish all those goals of yours! :) Go for it.
from enurta :
Ive never actually tried meditation. The voices start yelling when its quiet, I always have to do something, listen to loud music etc. So meditation kind of scares me to be honest.
from illusionless :
Yes, I am still excited despite feeling overwhelmed. Some of the technology was new and some were just an updated version of what I have already used.
from blackmambo :
I still have dreams of being wonder woman.
from and-the-way :
thank you for the birthday wishes!
from silver4 :
it's a back and forth battle with me and R. he's been my object of affection for almost the last two years, and although we admittedly have feelings for one another, rules of his culture, and family prevent him from giving in to me because i am not of the same background as he. we've gone through the whole spectrum of emotions with one another and at this point i just ignore, accept, and pretend. we'll be out of each other's faces soon enough so hopefully the feelings will subside. until then, emotional torture it is :)
from minstrelite :
Thanks for your note, man. It was a great thing for my eyes to behold first thing in the morning, before even having gotten out of bed yet. It was like...and affirmation. Something did change for me. I really don't think I'm going to have to go down that road again. And when I feel like I can't go the extra mile of freedom, all I need to do is remember that it isn't me who doesn't love what gifts there are in liberty.
from minstrelite :
http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/100520_37.html
from silver4 :
hang in there. i think a lot of us feel that way sometimes, you just have to pull through it. i find myself embracing apathy but hoping to change one of these days. it's just a slump... a long lasting slump. but it can and will be escaped. and you're not pathetic.
from illusionless :
You're not bringing me down. If anything I think you are strong for writing your feelings down and sorting through them in your own way.
from blackmambo :
youre not pathetic.
from illusionless :
I'll elaborate on this on my next lp video, so I must thank you for giving me commentary.
from illusionless :
Sorry I don't have either of those systems. I don't have any new gen systems because I can't afford them. The most recent games I can let's play are ps1 games. I do have a ps2 emulator, but my video and sound card aren't strong enough to handle it. I can buy new ones, but again can't afford it at the moment.
from blackmambo :
The daily schedule Im referring to is one I created to plan my day and keep me busy. I scheduled the gym, free time, studying, applying for work, etc. Im hoping it will motivate me not to waste my time anymore. I promise to start tomorrow. At the moment I am speaking to my mother but I do wish sometimes I wasnt because she likes to boss me around. I think she wishes I was her slave but no Im her daughter and the one who decided not to speak was her for the same lame fight we always have. I think the reason we have a journal is to complain. I did mention before that complaining was a waste of time but I was wrong. I just complained about my mother and I feel better. If it helps you to release your stress, anger, sadness, frustration or whatever so just do it. Btw, my weekend sucked too.
from grapecloud :
Sorry I haven't e-mailed you back. I have to try and find the file of my recital on my computer. I either deleted it or Apple is hiding it on me as part of Steve Jobs' plot to take over the world (he wants me to be his personal composer, I think). I will soon, since finals are this week and then I'm done. As far as happiness goes, it is super fleeting, in my opinion. That old Denis Leary joke about happiness is true, I think. It never does seem to last, and then you kind of realize it after the fact and not during. I can only think of handful of times in my own life when I realized I was happy when I was actually happy, so don't worry about it. Also, I adore "Fly me to the Moon" thank you for reminding me to download it. I love jazz standards and stuff like that. I think I'm just an old lady in a 23 year old's body. I like the new layout, too. What language are all the words in now? I have to kind of scroll over them to guess what they say. It looks like Japanese, but I haven't watched subbed anime in a while (I fell behind on Bleach, but Viz might be simulcasting it, which would make me beyond happy). I just wanted to let you know I'm around and I do read your diary. Bye!-Duck
from a-d-w :
i haven't started yet, i start tomorrow. i am vaguely nervous, but i should be okay. hopefully it gives me some more stories. if you are feeling a bit lost, maybe you could find somewhere to volunteer? p.s. i really like that song you posted, the video
from illusionless :
I love red heads too! You should look up photos of Lily Cole. I think she's a gorgeous red head!
from minstrelite :
Hi Dewane. I think DiaryLand was helping me sift through things better than I thought. I came back more-or-less desperately at a late-night moment when no other source of therapeutic aid or positive guidance was available. Hm, I just remembered I could call the all-night Crisis Line, so I'll see if I can find that number. Hope you're doing all right these days.
from illusionless :
Absolutely I view you as a friend. If we lived closer I could totally see us hanging out and having fun.
from illusionless :
Hi. How are you? We seem to always miss each other on msn eh? Don't feel bad about not having your drivers liscence. I don't. If anything it's cheaper to not have a car albeit less convenient. Think of it this way. Be thankful you have a choice of whether to drive or not. I don't. I'm ok with not driving just trying to cheer you up.
from stellarrobot :
Hey, I've never felt ashamed of not driving. Rock on, pedestrianism! But good luck with your test.
from stellarrobot :
C'mon, don't be like that, you know you're my favourite! I love Geena so much. Also your impressions rock :)
from a-d-w :
polyvinyl acetate... woodworker's glue
from blackmambo :
Everyone lies. I actually prefer to lie. Makes me happy. I know someone who didnt get his drivers license until he was 34 yrs old. Btw, that was a lie, he was 35.
from a-d-w :
you'd probably be [pleasantly] surprised who actually does miss you. also, it would be nice if he was real. i think i made him as a man-me (not that i have gender-crises) so he's rooted in some subconscious thought, anyway
from minstrelite :
I think you already are all of those things you want to become. You seem to be, anyway. One can always improve, but I sense you underestimate yourself sometimes. (Of course I may be wrong.) Say, what is your Facebook url? I've wanted to add you a couple times but can't find you on a search. You can send it to my email if you like.
from stellarrobot :
Mmm...steak...mwah. Also you need to get on the self-loving train, STAT. No one is ever going to be able to match the level of self-love I promote, so stuff it, I may as well do it, and do it well. Plus it is a good way to preserve your awesome self so that when your super-match comes along they don't fail to see you, there, glimmering away, all shiney and nice.
from stellarrobot :
No! Don't take my toys, my precious toys! That would include, but not be limited to, my gay male teddies (often found in bondage gear and compromising positions and photographed as such), fairy tea-sets, and vintage My Little Ponies. Besides, I am the queen of clean hands. It might even indicate a disorder of some sort. But thank you :)
from minstrelite :
Oh, I forgot to mention. Thank you for the condolences. It's been, however, almost seven years since she died. I tend to allude to it freqently, as a lot of other critical life-happenings seemed to occur at around that same period of time.
from minstrelite :
I think you and I are similar in some ways, and one of the ways is that I, too, feel soothed in the rain. That's one of the reasons I like San Francisco weather so much. The soft drizzle mellows me out. Now that I'm on the other side of the Bay, it's not nearly the same effect, at least not so often. Sometimes when I can afford it, I go to San Francisco just to chill out. My Mom used to live right by Ocean Beach, and it was often foggy, and you could hear the foghorns at night, and the waves, and sometimes the seals were are also evident there. I remember it gave me a really peaceful feeling.
from blackmambo :
Its funny that I write about wanting to be happy but I am terrified if it happens. Do you think thats weird? I get the feeling that maybe I dont want to be happy. I am very weird. If a guy came up to me and said "hi" I wouldnt ignore him or think anything negative. It is hard to talk to women well not for me because I am a woman but we are very unpredictable and we dont bite.
from a-d-w :
did you know, i am looking for a new job too, just because. but i am not having much luck. i hope you have a bit more turn up for you than what is for me
from illusionless :
your entries are amazing.
from illusionless :
Wow, that note was so reality affirming, I think a better word is grounding but incase you don't know what that means I put the simplified version there. I'm sorry if I worried you, but it helps me to write those things out when need be. You're entries are amazing! They really speak to me and I can relate to them in a lot of ways. You are not alone my friend.
from minstrelite :
I fell behind and got both your notes at once. So let me just respond to the first one right now. "LinkedIn" is a networking utility for professionals of any sort. People post their resumes there, as well as what their current goals are, professionally speaking. About the woman I didn't remember, it's funny because I've made 17 connections now, and she and one other guy are the only two who have written back. I made a point of writing everybody, and sending a brief note, like a thank you note, and maybe expressing some positive sentiment. I agree with you that honesty is best in such situations.
from minstrelite :
It might be my eyes or my screen, but I'm not able to read the text (purple) on your entry now. I got the Elizabeth Barrett Browning quote all right, but after that it blurred in to the background color.
from blackmambo :
you are an amazing writer. I truly envy you. I am sorry for the way you are feeling. I know that feeling and I am still looking for that person I can trust, hug, rely, and cry to. Dont give up. I havent :)
from stellarrobot :
Wow. Fuck me. Your entry dated 8th April - don't delete. It was fucking powerful. If I was more articulate about my feelings, that was almost word for word what I would want to say. Not every day, but just some days. And to combat the awesome crush of modern alienation I propose we start a posse! I have already filed the adoption papers, so really, you don't have much of a say in this matter, since I will soon be your legal guardian.
from illusionless :
Glad you liked the anime! The Mangas are available in English too, at least some of them, not all have been translated yet. I'm thinking of buying some of them, but I have to finish the one I just bought first. Thanks for the reassurance that it's not my fault he likes me. You are right, but I still feel bad. It's a curse that I always wish people happiness. If you ever want any more recommendations for anime let me know. Just name the genre and I can assure you I could name a few.
from minstrelite :
13.1 miles. I actually have the opposite problem of you. I start conversations *too* easily, with total strangers, everywhere. Sometimes I don't stop past the point of their being uninterested, just because I feel a self-centered need to finish my point. In this case, it worked out. I took a chance, though. My brother and his wife are the opposite. They never talk to strangers at all, because they think it's unwise. I think that maybe if I were married or had a girlfriend, I wouldn't be this way so much. When I was with Jan, I wasn't as outgoing. I think that part of me, on a very basic, half-conscious level, is always looking for a girlfriend, and thinking "You never know, this might be the one." I also constantly brouse through the "Missed Connections" on Craigslist to see if any of the women I've talked to have posted anything, like a desire to see me again.
from illusionless :
your entries never cease to inspire me. Breathtaking. I always look forward to reading your diary. Those quotes are very true I think.
from minstrelite :
Great post, man. I liked: "Sometimes when I'm lost, I listen to the words of those who inspire me. Rather they're real or not." In running, a lot of people have listened to the words of Dr. Sheehan, even though a lot of what he wrote might have been absurd in the greater scheme of things, and Time Magazine even called him "the old fool." Sometimes I remember things he said when I'm running, and my energy is increased. It won't only be physical training that will enable me to get through 13.1 miles on July 29th - I'll be steeping myself in the words of those who inspire me, "whether they're real or not."
from stellarrobot :
You champion! Your note meant a lot to me. You're really quite lovely and I have decided to adopt you.
from minstrelite :
Yeah, hopefully it will be laid-back and low-profile like the Casa. I think we agreed on a concept on the phone - if they're listening, cool; if not, cool. I'm a background cocktail pianist, and the deal is, I don't get in the way. We'll see what happens on Friday.
from grapecloud :
I can't read your previous entries. I'm not sure if it's your diary or me, because Firefox is hating me right now. Not to mention I'm so tired I nearly spelled Firefox very wrong. I like your idea of giving money that you find to people who need it. It's a very noble idea that not many people would go along with, but I want to try it someday to see how it makes me feel. Though I find being nice to people always makes me feel better, and being mean leaves me with the kind of guilt I get from eating a whole cake. I really admire you for your selflessness, I hope to be like that someday. Oh, and I spent most of tonight putting my senior recital music in one album, which I then compressed and put online. The link is in my diary, let me know if it works, I've never used Megaupload before. Also, when you get the chance to hear it, let me know what you think of it. Bye!-*Rukia*
from minstrelite :
Was just reading your entry (the note below being in response to your note). If you want my input, I believe there's a law of karma, but there's also Grace. If we all had to pay all the consequences of all our indiscretions (or transgressions) we'd all be screwed. There are just too many to count. It's by unmerited favor that any of us can have peace with God. But then again, I'm a Christian, so that's what I believe. Not everybody sees it that way.
from minstrelite :
Thanks, D! For some reason, I keep thinking you're in Cleveland - my bad. My friend Calvin is in St. Louis, actually I've lost track of the guy, but he used to be the entertainment manager at a club I played in the 80's. Yeah, a baseball game would be good. I assume that's the Cardinals, although I could be all out of whack. I can still recite the 1962 Giants line-up, though.
from illusionless :
You do have a purpose in this world and a big one at that. Maybe you haven't found it yet or maybe it's right infront of you, but you can't see it. Think highly of yourself. And to answer your note to me. You do NOT need to channge and anyone who tries to change their partner is silly. Why can't people accept others for who they are? I've had people try to change me, but no one I ever dated. I think those people finally gave up because I refused to change. I like myself the way I am anyway! And uh... what do you mean by slightly odd?? ;)
from minstrelite :
Thank you for your beautiful note. It is a tragic loss. I knew he was ill, and of course he was aging, but it still came suddenly to me, and it generated a lot of, as you say, conflicting feelings. I do value your expression of condolences, and the wonderful way in which they were worded. Peace.
from illusionless :
I appreciate your understanding. Thank you. I like your point of view, even if it is second prize it's still worth having her in my life anyway. You're entries lately hit home to me. I totally understand how you feel about the whole anger thing and how lonely the world can be, but don't worry things will turn up. You are a wonderful person I can tell, you will find happiness. You deserve it too. Try not to let the anger swallow you whole, I'm fighting that too. Deep routed anger can create monsters you know and I don't want to be a monster and I'd hate it even more to see you become one. You're too good a person for that to happen too. Ok enough of my rambling. Hope to see you on msn sometime so we can chat. :)
from a-d-w :
she was five when she died and i had her all those years. it was super shitty and sad because i was just thinking the night before i found her, man i am so stoked i have like three more years with her at LEAST because, on a scale of bunny-mnortality, five is the lower end -- they usually go to about eight, i think. her name was clementine, i named her after the elliott smith song, i used to sing it to her, i used to sing to her a lot just stupid songs that were just made up on the spot, turns out she was deaf anyway
from minstrelite :
I liked that quote from the Hagakura. It's deep.
from a-d-w :
i think maybe half of diaryland doesn't know what to do with themselves. so, like, don't feel bad
from grapecloud :
I know how it is to be afraid of doing what you want. I'm starting to try and figure out how to do that myself. I think you should though, and your mother has your brothers and sister to help her out as well. I can't imagine that she would be very happy to have spent so much of her time raising you only for you to be miserable because you feel so indebted to her. I used to feel like my Dad needed me around, too, but now he is showing me that he'll be fine and happy without me. Then again, I don't know how old your mother is, my Dad is 65. You should try to do what you want, and even if it doesn't work out, you can go back home, and if it does, you can visit on the holidays and vacation times. Also, I feel the opposite about love, I don't really know if I deserve it or not, but I still want it deep down. Though it must be kind of nice to not be concerned with it all the time like I am. I like long entries, by the way, because then I know that I'm not alone in going on and on about stuff. Bye!-*Rukia*
from stellarrobot :
Thanks for your note :) Hells yes on the DL merch! I want some badges and mugs and stickers STAT. I think I should start a petition.
from stellarrobot :
I just read your entry about losing your virginity. I really hope you stop beating yourself up about it. When you are with the right person no prior experience matters or compares to it. Plus, a man's not a camel.
from illusionless :
I've always been able to remember my dreams in detail. I don't know why. I wake up from a dream and I feel like I either just experienced it and wake up confused or I feel like I watched a movie and that's what happened. It was a science class.
from a-d-w :
nah, that would be way too risky. number one fear: rejection. also, if you see virginity as a social construct then you may not feel so bad. you may feel cold, but not nearly so bad. (that's what i do.)
from illusionless :
Thanks. In response to your recent entry. Virginity is often something thrown away. I lost it to someone I didn't love either and I've also been thinking about that recently. Kinda sad huh? But you do having something to offer the person you love, and you just answered it. Love. You can give the person you truly love and want to be with all the love you have. A unique kind of love that you wouldn't give anyone else. I believe there are all different kinds of love and each one is different in it's own way. Sorry for the lame note, but try and think of it that way.
from grapecloud :
You remembered! Either that or I mentioned it. I'm kind of excited, but kind of not. I don't think R is going because she is sick, but it irritates me because she was sick last night and still went to Bible study and didn't come home until after midnight. I also kind of got mad at the head of the music department last night for giving me a zero on an assignment, so I worry my classmates won't come, either (since it was in class that I got mad). I'm also worried some of the pieces won't sound well. I'll just feel better when 9pm rolls around, I hope. Thank you though. Also, I think that everyone has things to offer besides their virginity. I mean, you're going to love the girl you marry in a way that you won't love anyone else, and you'll commit to her in that way as well. That's not something you'll offer every woman that you have loved or ever will love (except for the one you marry). I don't know if I said what I was trying to say, but hopefully you get what I mean. Bye!-*Rukia*
from illusionless :
About the sugar and junk food problem. I think this is a pretty common problem among people, so don't feel like you're alone. You can try stopping cold turkey, but my with my experience in doing so (when I used to eat a lot of junk food, especially pop) my body began craving it. I would suggest slowly cutting out sugary things from your diet until your body becomes used to not ingesting so much sugar. Hope this helps. Maybe you could try making goals for yourself in what you'll cut back until you are happy with what you are eating. I'd recommend cutting back a junk food that you don't think you'll miss much to start off. Drink lots of water too it helps. Good luck. One more thing... Seriously how can anyone drink Root Beer! Blarg!! :D
from illusionless :
I will send you an e-mail about the chronotherapy method. It would make for one long note if I explained it here. I agree with you about some Christians being closed minded and how many if not all wars are pushed on by religion etc. It's sad that religion is often used to justify horrible things when in reality it should be justifying good things and honorable actions.
from minstrelite :
I feel it too.
from illusionless :
I like the song in your entry. What is the song title and who is the artist?
from minstrelite :
Actually, job-hunting might be best on a Friday morning because prospective employers will be in good moods, being as they're about to have the weekend off. Good luck -
from minstrelite :
Thanks for your note. There's a number here if you want to call. Wish I would sleep...
from minstrelite :
OR, go to www.edeninbablyon.com - there's a donate button on the bottom there. In fact I think there's one on my main D-Land page now.
from minstrelite :
Yes PayPal is still best andypope7 at hotmail dot com - and will be most welcome. I'm at a different patient phone now and will try and get you the number later, as I am on limited internet time under supervision at the moment. Thanks so much -
from a-d-w :
it's okay, it's something i just need to work through i guess. we're both in a bit of a funk, eh?
from grapecloud :
Thanks so much for your note! I have to admit, I've been kind of losing faith in myself lately. It doesn't help that the people who are playing my pieces don't seem to like them that much. I can't remember the last time I replied to your entries. You wrote one about how your idol was Ryu from Street Fighter, I totally have to write a response entry because I'm actually a composer because of the person I idolize. I picked up the guitar so I could be just like her, I only became a composer because I enjoyed doing it. I'm only now starting to realize that I am not like her at all and probably never will be, but it makes me feel kind of sad sometimes. Also, those two songs you mentioned in your entry, they play them ALL the time at my work. I used to love that "Crazy for this girl" song, but it's funny because those guys used to have a show on USA (I'm not sure if they still do or not) where they watch movies or something. I think it's very sweet what you did, and even sweeter that you don't harbor any bad feelings about it. I would be crushed if that happened to me. I wanted to do something for Fakir for Valentine's, like slip some cheap card in his locker, but I haven't had the time, though I did find out where his locker is the other night. Anyway, thank you. I admire your ability to keep going no matter what, and I screwed up in school, too, so I know how that is. Bye!-*Rukia*
from taken-by-you :
Oh, gosh - thank you. Those are all so old - mostly from late 90's and a few from '05, '06. I believe I had the beginnings of talent back then, and wish I could mix that level of skill (and add to it) with my current level of life experience. That's what I am trying to work back into, slowly but surely. Thank you, very much, for your kind words.
from taken-by-you :
The Gothenburg Address is the newest creation of my best friend, Luke - and since I inspired him so much on the album, I assume I am naturally biased and prone to feel more of the music than others, but I recommend them regardless. Elizabeth Siddal was one of the main models for the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood, and the main muse/inspiration for Dante Gabriel Rossetti.
from illusionless :
Ok cool. emilymiedema at gmail dot com.
from minstrelite :
I've talked to her a couple times, but I have to confess I am incredibly flaky when it comes to male/female relationships. She seemed mad at me the second day, and I gave her space. Then yesterday she seemed warm again, and I ought to have talked to her more, but I was preoccupied. Sure, email your cell. I'll try and give you a call once I can get my cell turned back on.
from erases :
thanks man!
from illusionless :
I'm in the same mental boat as you. I don't feel like I've accomplished or been accomplishing what I could or wanted too by my age either. I find myself wasting time with things like video games and anime as well. It's hard to refuse the temptation. Good luck. If you ever need to talk let me know. Maybe we can exchange e-mails and chat on msn sometime?
from a-d-w :
p.s. don't smash a mirror you will get glass in your hands and it's a lot of explainin' to do
from a-d-w :
i guess it just bothers me because i never imagined myself holed up in retail. but it's okay. that childhood imagination has always been pretty rampant (and probably too adult at times) but i was an odd kid and i have grown into an odd adult. and that's okay with me
from minstrelite :
Oh yeah - this was it. "I'm supposed to break down all the things I don't like about myself and build myself up into something new." I think it actually starts by our accepting ourselves - our whole selves, good and bad. If we don't do that, we don't stand much of a change of accepting growth and change. Then & only then, what I wrote in the note below is doable. (And that's where pen & paper come in.) The first stage in recovery is "hope," and the second stage is "self-empowerment." This is what they're teaching us in the W.R.A.P. groups (just so you'll know these are not my own ideas.)
from minstrelite :
Leafing through your list, here's a suggestion. It might not be easy to cast aside feelings of guilt, depression, and so forth (related to becoming 29 soon, feeling that you haven't accomplished anything, etc.), but sometimes pen & paper go a long way. When you find yourself engaged in "hours and hours of watching crime TV" (or anything else you find wasteful or ineffective), you might begin to choose substitute activities that may be more fruitful or healthy, and begin to replace the old with the new. I mention this because I'm involved in the Wellness Recovery Action Plan, and this is one of the things we do. For example, I left my debit card in the ATM machine last night, which led to great anxiety. So I wrote in my W.R.A.P. how to avoid the anxiety & lack-of-focus that lead to that kind of thing (happens a lot actually), then how to avoid the thoughts of despair that follow, then finally how to deal with the process of getting the card back without freaking out. Anyway, just two cents. There was something else on your list that struck me, but I've probably babbled by now.
from minstrelite :
I would say, call after 8am PST but before 10pm PST. There's no really "best" time, but we all share the phone. Also, there's a chance I'll have my cell turned on today, and I'll leave you another note if that's the case. (The cell number is in my contact-info email.) Blessings.
from a-d-w :
the last time i tried they couldn't find a vein, it was sort of awesome because i convinced myself i was a cyborg. also i agree with stellarrobot: too cute!
from stellarrobot :
In reference to you writing down your marriage proposal: by god, what a cute little muffin you are!
from illusionless :
The client(me) chooses the destination. I give the instructor the address of where this place is and then the instructor teaches you how to get there and goes with you until you can do it on your own.
from minstrelite :
I think you're right about the pain being part of the healing process. I tried to allude to this in my most recent entry (1/28), acknowledging that all in all, it was a positive experience. They've now transferred me to a different kind of facility, where there's actually an entire room full of computers. I'll have to discipline myself not to spend all my time online, after all this time. And yes, you are the "D" to whom I referred. Thanks so much for your support!
from enurta :
yeah you are right. thanks for the note. xxx
from illusionless :
Oh just to clarify the instructor teaches you how to get to places in order so that you can travel there independently.
from illusionless :
CNIB stands for Canadian National Institute for the Blind. I am legally blind aka. visually impaired. O&M stands for Orientation and Mobility which is one of the services provided through CNIB. Basically it's an instructor you meet with on a regular basis to help you travel around. The instructor helps with routes on how to get to different places, landmarks, public transportation etc. Not being able to see things very well makes it harder to get around, so it really helps. That's why I've been so stressed about it because it's pretty vital for me to have.
from illusionless :
I think that's cool that you and I admired/admire fictional characters. Mine is Mega Man X. To this day he is still my hero.
from grapecloud :
I love that you write often! I read it, even though I don't comment. First off, I totally know you feel about your friend. R and I have a routine, too, though we are both sick of it, and she can go outside just fine, really. Still, I know how it is when a friendship feels as though it has gone stale because you don't do anything new. I want to do something fun with her, but we can't go bowling or mini golfing because she can't see well enough to do it. I'm not sure how to fix those kinds of problems, but being supportive is really all you can do for him until he gets the courage to take care of himself and make the right decisions. I read about your sister and nephew. My condolences, that is just so sad. I really hope that your sister learns from this, but I don't think she will, since she wants a son so bad. How come she doesn't adopt one? I bet there are tons of baby boys out there that need a home. Also, I liked your last entry, and I think I understood it (though I've been up for about nineteen hours now, so who knows). I get that way, too. You do something or say something to someone, and then you worry it's not the right thing, or that people will think you're cold and don't care. When in reality, you really, truly do, but you're so worried about doing the right thing that you never act at all. At least I think that's what you meant, that's what I took out of it. If I'm way off, I blame it on lack of sleep, and not my lack of understanding. But I am being a huge ditz today. Bye! I hope your sister gets better and that you feel better, I imagine you might be quite sad now. It will get better, I promise.
from illusionless :
I think what you write makes perfect sense. I can totally relate to the things you wrote. Couldn't have written or said it better. There's nothing wrong with writing often.
from illusionless :
I'm sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.
from erases :
sorry to hear that, man..
from taken-by-you :
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Best wishes in these trying times.
from fivethree :
Randomly came across your diary. You seem like a very thoughtful person. I hope you find that change you are looking for.
from illusionless :
Thanks for the note. Yeah, we do have a lot in common. I think we also have similar beliefs and opinions about life. Obviously some will differ. Usually I don't ask people for things unless I'm seriously at the end of my rope, but you are correct that what I'm looking for won't be found over night. But at the end I'm sure we can both swim all the way to the end of our lives. :) Take it easy man!
from erases :
we'll see
from a-d-w :
that bumblebee was just a mean ass mofo. but i am like you, i have to actively stop my train of thought to make myself not a sorry sack of shit. excuse the turn of phrase. i think it's a talent that people who are generally happy lack, because they're not very well practiced in it.
from illusionless :
Awesome pep talk! I like your outlook. Grapecloud is right you do sound like a hero in a shounen manga! :) In life it's either sink or swim. Let's both try and swim.
from taken-by-you :
Here, I dug this up: http://www.geocities.com/chocolollie/works.html I haven't touched it since '06, and the things posted go back to about '96. I graduated high school in '02, so most of it is naive. Cheers.
from taken-by-you :
Mind you, quality is not my forte in writing. =| As for your bad hands - life is kind of like poker. Sometimes even though you've got nothing, you can bluff it and sometimes come out on top. Even when it is 'your' things to deal with, hopefully you'll still let others know. Someone else might be dealing with the same thing, and unsure of how to proceed. The beauty of life is being able to share and learn together.
from erases :
preach it, brother!
from grapecloud :
I know how you feel as well. I'm often super lazy, especially if I know something bad is going to happen, I'll put stuff off, which often makes it worse. Also, sometimes you sound like a hero in a shounen manga, which cracks me up. Though I totally think it's admirable and awesome that you want to protect people see them be happy. I want to try and be like that more myself. I worry I think too much of my own happiness (which is hard to come by no matter what I do) and not enough of others. I think you will get to where you desire to be, because I think deep down, you have the drive for it. See, I can be inspirational, too! Bye!
from illusionless :
I know exactly how you feel! I lack discipline big time! I think fear is a big part of it for me. I was thinking of writing an entry about it. What makes you lack discipline? I'm in the process of trying to find the root cause of why and how to overcome it. Good luck. You'll overcome it.
from taken-by-you :
I've posted many randomly here and there in my archives (some posts claim poetry in the title, some don't). When I start again, I'll post again, I think - thank you for the encouragement.
from grapecloud :
I'm so glad I'm not the only one sick of Twilight. I've never watched the movies or read the books. I was told there were several blank pages in New Moon after Edward dumps Bella. I checked the book, and sure enough, TEN blank pages. Which wouldn't be bad if the book didn't sell like gangbusters. That's just such a gross waste of trees and it's just bad writing. Like she couldn't live without him or something. I get offended at those kinds of stories, I'm not sure if it's having no real understanding of love, or just my belief that women should be independent and not rely on their lovers/spouses. Did your friend read that post you wrote about him? I hope he didn't, I know that people get very mad when they read things written about them online, especially if it's remotely critical. The homeless situation in this country is sad, I think the situations of the lower classes in this country are very sad. Even that new health plan that is in Congress doesn't include dental or vision (except for children). I can't believe it, as if adults don't need eye or dental care. Maybe our generation can learn from where the past ones have gone wrong, at least I hope so. Bye!
from taken-by-you :
I think it is okay to judge people. It's just another way to judge ourselves, and learn. Don't be so hard on yourself. =) Honesty always, regardless of what the truth is saying.
from stellarrobot :
"My whole life has always been about isolating myself from people." I hear you. Rock on.
from illusionless :
Thanks. :D
from a-d-w :
thanks for that, it's actually encouraging. hah. except i haven't written anything in ages, let alone in my diary. anyway. i am not hoping my new year will be better than the last because i am trying to take out the want in my life, i think it will help me appreciate what i have, ultimately.
from a-d-w :
hey, don't let the mean capitalist machine make you down, that's what makes it so successful: not so much the people contributing but making sure that everyone who 'should' be contributing more feels really guilty to work harder etc etc. this is what i tell myself every giftmas, but maybe i should be green and speak in rhyme. sorry for being bad at the internet, i am going to try harder, sometimes i think there is nothing in my life worth writing about, though.
from and-the-way :
i think a lot of people feel like they don't belong a lot of times. just keep your head up and know that it's not true. hope you have a merry christmas!
from illusionless :
Thanks. I've realized now that all I want is for CH to be happy even if it's not with me. There was another complicated thing I found out tonight and it's left her sad and that makes me sad, so I consoled her best I could and that made me realize that all I care about is her happiness. Haha sorry if I sound sappy hah! I'm sorry that you're not feeling so into the Christmas spirit! I hope you have a great Christmas and new years nonetheless. Take care. P.S. I always enjoy getting notes from you. :)
from grapecloud :
I know how that is, I've gone through so many dreams in my life. I wanted to be an adventurer like Indiana Jones (I still kind of do), I wanted to be a business woman, an actress, even a lawyer. I'm pretty much settled on composer, and I want nothing more than to do good work on a good show that I can show to my friends and family and be all proud of. But, dreams have to change, and most of the dreams I had before would be impossible to me to accomplish, back then and now. Heck, even my composing dream could be impossible with the economy the way it is. Still, you don't need to take up your friend's dream, he would probably want you to follow your own dream and be happy, though he would probably accept it if following his dream made you happy. Just don't stress yourself or put undue pressure on yourself to fit into a mold that you might not be able to fit into. I do that all the time, and it's not good at all.
from blackmambo :
Glad to hear that youre kinda getting into degrassi but Im not really enjoying the new cast. How long will your break be? Its good that your taking a break but dont take too much time off. Always remember your goal. I think spending time in japan and china is a great idea...even better if you take your twin with you.
from minstrelite :
Yeah, it's a different part of the wrist. Right now I'm at a desktop computer keyboard at the library, much different than the laptop keyboards I've gotten used to these last few years. The action of playing piano usually doesn't lead to any kind of repetitive stress injury, but it can. So it helps to be watchful. I've had tendinitis from piano playing before, though not carpal tunnel. I think I'm just out of practice writing by hand, so a certain part of my wrist is getting sore too easily. Maybe it's a part of the wrist that isn't used much in typing, or possibly in playing piano. I don't really know.
from illusionless :
No, I haven't. It's never felt like the right time. But you never know. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
from and-the-way :
thanks, that's what i'm trying to do. thankfully i have friends and family to keep me busy.
from and-the-way :
oh he knows :) i get to see him in 10 days.
from illusionless :
I applaud your sister for being brave enough to follow her heart and coming out to your mom. That's a hard thing to do. I'm also proud of you for sticking up for her. I can tell by reading your journal that you are a good person.
from home-of-d :
love your rant... I compleatly agree with you. (in Greek history... the only true love could exist between men, women were breeding stock good for nothing beyond that) :)
from and-the-way :
thank you, i'm in my hometown now. the police are saying the girl was strangled. it's so terrible.
from minstrelite :
"People-pleasing" can be a slippery place. Let me see, how would that go, to paraphrase Abraham Lincoln: "You clean please all of the people some of the time, and you can please some of the people all of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." (?) Naw, that's not even true. You can't even please some of the people all the time, or probably even all of the people some of the time, you can only please some of the people some of the time, or something like that.
from minstrelite :
Write me (at either email address) for the new password.
from minstrelite :
Ha, I was just reading what I wrote. It should have read "any of those three" not "either of those three" - but porn comes closest.
from minstrelite :
I have a tendency to shift the blame away from myself as well. I think we all do it from time to time. It's a survival instinct. About the Internet obsession, I think we all have our sites that tend to draw us in, and some people get hooked on games, some on porn, some on pirating software. I'm not hooked on either of those three, but what I am hooked on is plenty bad enough. I hope that, now that I've got the new laptop, I can turn over a new leaf.
from minstrelite :
Of course I always welcome your comments, and thank you for this one as well as all the others. Sometimes we really do need to clear our heads, and it also helps to let people know where we stand sometimes. Also, and more important, I can get a lot of music done in the next five days. I've already started, in fact.
from minstrelite :
A second note - I see that Illusionless is one of your readers now. She's a great person, and one of my best friends here for many years now. I can talk to her about anything. I'm sure you and she will get along really great.
from minstrelite :
You hit the nail on the head. With an air of perfect impartiality and neutrality, they take the money from both the merchant and the buyer, sit on it, and collect interest on it indefinitely. Beautiful.
from illusionless :
Sure thing! Message me and ask me anything you'd like to know or maybe read through a few diary entries (but I know that would take a hell of a long time) Anything you wanna know feel free to ask.
from home-of-d :
I talk to everything lol. Sometimes they arent even living things. I offered up words for the bird I hit with my car and I appologize to things that I've had for a long time and have to throw away. I've held off buying a new desk because I dont want to throw away a desk that is still functional and been with me since 1998. I get emotionaly attached to everything lol... a ladybug at least is living. :)
from illusionless :
I meant new reader. sorry.
from illusionless :
I totally understand where you are coming from when talking to animals, not killing living creatures, and treating them with respect. I do the same thing. I thought I was the only one! My friends think I'm strange for that. Thank you for writing this entry. We are not alone in our love and respect for animals. :) Also I'm a new ready of your diary and I must say I really enjoy it. You are so intelligent and insightful.
from erases :
i'd like two dozen buds of red roses please before my next flight boards, thanks!
from a-d-w :
off study, i mean. that's how you know i need time off; i don't finish my sentences
from a-d-w :
hello, it's been a while since i have been on DL. i think it might be wise to take time off, despite the doubts. i am doing the same thing for different reasons, but maybe we should make it that we both promise each other that we WILL go back. because promises to strangers online are deeper than the internet
from stellarrobot :
Oh god, that is so true. I just could never 'get' them, I knew they were there and I'd heard some songs but our paths just did not...bump in the night. Who the F*** are the Eagles?!?!
from minstrelite :
Of the ones you mention, the only other one I'm familiar with is Tae Kwon Do - (sic.) and I never know how to spell it. It sounds like you know a lot more about these than I do, and you'll find the righ one(s) for you. Funny, btw, I just got up, checked my email, no mail, then one second later, your mail appeared. Then saw you were online - and it's 3:45am in Cali! But I've been sleeping like a wolf lately. You never know when I'll be up or down.
from minstrelite :
You might check out Aikido. A bunch of people I knew a while back got into it, with good results. Or (how do I spell this) - Tai Chi. (sic) - Read this back: "I can't help that I feel like I'm not living up to some kind of cosmic agreement. I feel like I'm not doing all I can nor did I." That sounds an awful lot like something I would say. But when and where did we exactly sign on the Dotted Cosmic Line? I guess I could say, "come on, man, don't beat yourself up" again, but I'd rather identify with you. There really *is* a sense of something gnawing away at the soul, and it really *does* need to be honored. I'm not going to diminish or minimize that. If you take your semester off to the intent of getting to the bottom of it, a lot of things may clear up for you. Sometimes an unexpected sequence of events can collaborate to point the way for you, and then you'll be on firm footing, and confident. I'll be rooting for you.
from grapecloud :
I totally know how you feel. I actually took a semester off myself (sort of, I left one school in the middle of the semester and stayed out until the next one began), and sometimes you need to do that to sort yourself out. If I wasn't so close to graduating, I would consider taking time off to do all the things school has kept me from (which seems like everything). I think it will be good for you to reevaluate things, and I think you'll go back to school again. I kind of know how you feel about that girl, too. It's hard to make someone else happy when you aren't happy, but being alone isn't that bad (yet I'm always complaining about it, so it must sound like I'm lying...). I feel that way about the guy I like, I don't want to pursue him, but I can't help but think of him. Though I don't want to go after him out of fear of rejection. That poem was about him, by the way. The other guy I mentioned was a friend who told me he was happy I lost my job, I felt like he was kicking me when I was quite down (it was during the time when I wasn't in school), so I decided I didn't want someone like that in my life ever again. I still don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to handle someone who says the things he said to me, so I don't want to talk to him again. I'm glad that you're trying to reach out to your father though, since it's a different situation than mine.
from stellarrobot :
Yep, still cute.
from minstrelite :
Hey, what a great and encouraging note! I think you're right about my sister. Family tends to overlook or "misplace" the talents and abilities of family. They sort of take me for granted in some ways. I was always the one who entertained the family, and unconsciously, they think that is my remaining role. So it's hard for them to see the reality of some of my situations, and I theirs, for other reasons. And I agree I'm lucky to have Linda right now. I just pray I don't somehow shoot myself in the foot. I'm going to go running now, as I haven't gone for three days, and I'm feeling pent-up. Have a great Thanksgiving!!
from stellarrobot :
You are cute.
from minstrelite :
You're kind of like me in a way, as I think we've both noticed. One thing though is that, I hope I am not becoming spoiled by having had a nice living situation for five months now after having been homeless for several months, but I have noticed that I am not feeling as compelled to give money to homeless people or otherwise help them as I used to. It sort of bothers me too. But at one point, I stopped and mentally counted all the change I had been giving to the homeless, up to and including the free meals and twenty dollar bills to the ones I thought special, and I could have really used some of that money when I myself later became broke. I guess it boils down to personal choice. If I'm going to give money to the poor, I need to feel good about it and prepare myself for the possible consequences. And if I'm going to refrain from giving money to the poor, I need to feel all right with that as well. It's just not possible to help them all. We'd all go broke.
from grapecloud :
I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you feel about your dad. I know quite a few people who are mad at their fathers for similar reasons and won't have anything to do with them. Some rifts just can't be healed, and there are some people that you can't have in your life, regardless of whether you forgive them or not. At least I know I feel that way about a few people, and I know at least one person feels that way about me. I liked that story about the man who wanted to travel. It sometimes seems silly to go after crazy dreams, but I hope it is worth it. Bye!
from enurta :
thank you <3
from minstrelite :
Thanks for reading 'Dazed and Amazed.' I just got your note. I never did go back to the Sbux to look for her, which is lame. I was up all night goofing off on the Internet, then drank a bottle of wine in the morning, which I hesitate to confess, knowing about your dad having been an alcoholic. I'm about to drink some rum too. I don't think I'll be normal till the morning, and then I guess I'll go back to A.A.
from minstrelite :
You're not heartless, you're just naturally hurt because your own father never made an effort to involve himself in the life of his son. But you probably care more than you think you do. It pains me to read this right now, because I think I actually did the opposite thing as your dad did, and here my daughter is 24 years old already, and a grown woman, and I'm not letting her go...
from minstrelite :
Hey, thanks man. BTW, I didn't mean to be snide about the 'worthy' thing. I tend to be a little philosophical, but I think I know you well enough by now to know that sometimes your self-esteem takes a bit of a plunge, and it might work against you. I only say this because I'm the same way, only probably worse, otherwise I wouldn't be such a lifelong good-for-nothing. People have been telling me for ages now that I'm the type of guy who might become well-known for something posthumously, but certainly not in this lifetime. Hopefully at least one of us will be alive when my stuff gets produced. Thanks for the compliment on 'Last Song.' It's not really my last, and there's plenty more where that came from.
from minstrelite :
That's weird - I never got an email, and I thought you already had the password. I changed it some time ago, but I might have neglected to include you in the email. My bad. I'll send another right now.
from taken-by-you :
I may not know you at all - but I can wholeheartedly say that you are, indeed, worthy. Of anything and everything and everyone. I hope you think so too, someday.
from minstrelite :
That was a beautiful entry, man. But it does prompt me to ask: "worthy of what?"
from taken-by-you :
I agree! Sorting through is both hard and necessary - and definitely something that I've put off for quite some time.
from minstrelite :
Well, we'll see how it works. The thing is, when I look at where the money goes, I'm stunned to find how much of it gets dribbled into little cups of coffee and bran muffins and ways to qualify for use of Internet in coffeehouses. And now that I will be having to pay my daughter, maybe it's the thing that has to go. I will still people at my meetings, and on occasional trips to favorite haunts even without my laptop.
from taken-by-you :
I think everyone has baggage, and sometimes it's not about letting it go - it's about finding someone with luggage that goes with yours. Matching, if you will. I accept mine, of course. Now it's a matter of deciding what to unpack, and what to get rid of. =)
from minstrelite :
I see now why your diary is titled "Severing the Chains." It is a great feeling when one finally frees oneself from the yoke of bondage, in whatever form it may take. You write really thought-provoking notes. I'm not sure I can address everything you said. I do find that upon first awakening in the morning, I need to slow my thought process down at the very start, and sit still. If I don't, I might take on too much stress too soon, before my body is ready for it. In the past, I've wound up screaming or throwing something before I was barely awake. I'm not the only one either - I talked to a guy recently who mentioned doing so very recently, and he's a practicing Buddhist too, who meditates every day, a very positive guy in general. There is something about the first moments of wakefulness that makes them very sensitive. About my work and my dream and so forth, it's funny because I just finished the guy's job, the lifesaver that came yesterday from British Columbia, and no sooner than that did I receive an inquiry on yet another job, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it, because rent is due today. But at least I finished one job. I'm going to try and finish one more today, then go to an evening meeting. As far as the dream, I think I do run the risk of burning out on music, composing, and so forth; if it becomes overly associated with work. As Mr. Holland said in the movie: "Music is supposed to be fun." Most people who know me well agree that the best thing for me to do is to try and get a job done each day, but in the first hours of the day. Then, when I'm done, given time, I can work on my own music. Also, there ought to be one day each week when I do nothing musically other than work on my own music - probably Saturday or Sunday. If I can get into a rhythm like that (no pun intended), I'll probably do just fine. At least I can be thankful that I'm working, because a lot of people these days are out of work. I've been here in the Monastery for four months and have yet to have suffered for lack of weekly rent, and that's something to be thankful for as well, in an era when a lot of people are losing their homes. And as far as helping people is concerned, I do wish that DiaryLand were more like one big happy family, but I can see just from the buddy lists of different diarists just how diverse we are. If there were a DiaryLand convention, I wonder if we'd even know what to say to each other. Probably when I showed up they'd throw tomatoes at me. In a case like the person I linked to, the best I can do is pray, unless she wants to call me and get tips on resources for the homeless in the area. But it sounds like she's working and very resourceful and she can probably manage. That type of family dysfunction is always hard for me to hear about, and I was having a hard time not hating her dad when I read the part about him laughing when her mom was crying. I wound up praying for all five of them, partly because I didn't know what else I could do.
from minstrelite :
That was a great entry (alpha baby) - but before I can even comment on it, I wonder if you might write poetry? There's a poetic air to your writing at times. A friend of mine publishes poetry in a monthly publication and a larger annual one. I've had four of my poems published by him, and I think I've only written like eleven poems. If I talked to him, he'd probably publish you. It's not like a thing of acclaim, but it's the kind of thing that gives a writer a goal to aim for. Anyway, the reason I can't make further comment at the moment is that I'm locked up in my own form of "bondage" right now, and in my case, I've definitely put it upon myself. It's reached the stage where if I am so far behind that if I don't get at least one job turned in each day, it will hover over my head so ominously I won't be free to focus on anything I really enjoy. I for one would like to write a song right now. But I'm not free.
from minstrelite :
It's ok - I don't always note people either, even when I want to. I might have been in a particularly despondent space that night. I think I have some kind of basic motivational problem I'm not tuned in to. Sometimes try as I may I just can't get anything done, and then there comes a day like yesterday when I didn't have my power adapter all day because I'd left it somewhere. And I was climbing up the walls because all I wanted to do was work. Here today I've got it and all I want to do is sleep. I guess they call that bipolar, I don't know.
from stellarrobot :
I hope this thing you're going through doesn't involve my knicker-duds drawer. Be safe, lefty.
from minstrelite :
I just saw your encouraging note, and thank you for that. I have to confess I've been a little depressed today after seeing how much of my troubles I have been attributing to people, places and things other than myself. I also can't control all those other people, places and things - but I can control my own choices; or at least, I can learn to. It is easy to be discouraged when looking at past mistakes, but like you said, once a person begins to see himself as responsible for the consequences of his choices, then he is on the path toward personal growth. So I need not be discouraged, really, but can look with hope and strength toward the future.
from minstrelite :
I haven't crossed over to the Bohemian Cafe lately, and so I haven't seen either her, or that Japanese lady, or any of the people who hang out there. I'm due for a change of scene, and pretty soon I probably ought to make the once-a-month trip out-of-town I allow myself. I'm reading you, by the way, though the concepts are being filtered through my late-night spaciness. Sounds like something pretty major is going on - you're exuding a very serious vibration.
from grapecloud :
I was talking about Tsubasa: Resevoir Chronicle I was too lazy to write the whole title. I read xxxHolic and loved it, until I got to book 12, which makes no sense if you don't read Tsubasa. Tsubasa is kind about Syaoran, who wants to find Sakura's memory, which is scattered in the form of feathers throughout various worlds. The thing is, when she does get her memory back, she won't remember Syaoran, and they were in love. Syaoran isn't alone, either, there's Kurogane, this guy who wanted to constantly fight, who was forced to leave his world by the princess he served, Fai, who left because he didn't like the world he was in, and Mokona, who is this weird thing that helps them get between worlds and speak to each other. I started reading it to understand xxxHolic, but I just can't read it, not to mention I'm about twenty books behind. I already kind of know what happens, and part of it annoys me because it reads like freaking Twilight. Bye!
from minstrelite :
One nice thing about having a laptop is the ability to log on from Internet cafes. It gets me out of the house, where I will go stir-crazy if I coop myself up for too long. Also, I suppose I not-too-secretly am looking for a girlfriend, but I try not to be obnoxious about it. I did meet a woman my own age over at the Bohemian Cafe a couple weeks ago, and I found myself wondering if she was available. She even had white hair already.
from minstrelite :
That 'High School Musical' was all the rage when I was teaching singing at a camp one summer, 2006 it was. I never got into it either.
from grapecloud :
I do watch subs, I just don't really like to. Sometimes I watch them to compare them do the dub, and sometimes I watch them if I'm dying to know what a show is like. I'm very tempted to do that with Kimi Ni Todoke because I adore the manga, but I don't know if anyone is fan subbing it. I'm not sure about FMA: Brotherhood, no one seems to care about it as much as the original. I want to wait for the dub because I think it's going to be awesome. The Red Sox are in the playoffs though. They're in the Wild Card, which is okay, they'll probably beat the Angels, but if they face the Yankees in the ALDS, I'm not sure what will happen. They did win (against the Cardinals, no less) in 2004 and they were the Wild Card then. So it's obvious they can do it if they try. If only their pitching could be consistent.... Bye!
from celtictiger2 :
Hi, this is called "fear of the future" I believe. "The way that you wander is the way that you choose" (Jeremia Johnson)
from minstrelite :
I could swear that when I'm asleep and dreaming, I'm off in a place that might even be more real than what happens during wakefulness. Maybe the soul leaves the body for a while, and really does experience another realm. You never know...
from minstrelite :
It helps to "consider the source," as my Mom always used to say. That guy, my friend C. is wound up so tight, he probably *could* do something like not talk to any women for an entire year if he put his mind to it. He could probably even not talk at *all* for a year. Those kinds of disciplines only cramp my style. I've had a hard time getting that across to Father R. too - his spiritual director gave up speaking for Lent once, and didn't speak for 40 days. I had a hard time making it to 4 days, and that was when I had laryngitis.
from minstrelite :
Thanks for your note, and yeah, you're right. She might not consciously think beforehand that once she gets drunk, she's going to bring up those subjects; but once she gets drunk, those are the subjects that surface. In her sober state of mind, either they're submerged or if they start to surface, she figures it would best wait till later. The irony is that I would be totally down to discuss these things if we are both sober at the time - and maybe at a planned out time, not necessarily spontaneously. I forgive her though, because I understand how she called in all innocence, having no reason not to expect a nice, normal conversation such as we had recently been having. I think she honestly thought I was the one bringing up all those subjects, and not her, because she would then complain about the fact that we were talking about them. But she kept bringing them up. That's how out-of-it she was.
from minstrelite :
Meant (toward the end): "having and maintaining a home" - (I put "a" in place of "and.")
from minstrelite :
In regards to your entry, somebody told me something a long time ago, with respect to all the suffering in the world. Efforts to "save the world" through social action ususally leave us wanting, because we can never do enough. But the thing to do is to fulfill your potential, and to do something great. That is to say, to write a book if you can write, or music if you can write music, or establish a service aimed at raising the common consciousness. These are the ways that you can "be the change you want to see in the world," otherwise the practice of giving blankets or twenty dollar bills to specific homeless people will always leave us thinking that we can't possibly reach enough homeless people to have made a difference, and possibly even wondering why we thought these specific people were so special. (I suppose if I knew that everyone else were selecting two or three homeless people to help in these ways, I would feel better about it. But most people, let's face it, ignore homeless people like the plague.) Back to the point, I'm writing a book about homelessness, and my *Eden in Babylon* is intended to try and raise public awareness and reduce stigma with regards to those who have mental health conditions. By engaging myself in these projects and trying to find grants and funding from N.A.M.I. and other sympathetic organizations, I am probably using my gifts and abilities to make a larger impact than I would be, for example, serving soup in the kitchen (although of course I can do that, too, at least on Saturdays.) My only wish is that I could get it all to happen faster, as the cares of my own life, paying my own rent and bills and so forth, do stand in the way. Ironically, however, that's what it's all about: having a maintaining a home, that is, as opposed to homelessness. I'm one of the lucky few that came out of it, which is why I feel I have this calling.
from minstrelite :
Forgot to mention in my entry this morning, they wouldn't give me the cash back (about $35) but gave me a gift card to use the money to purchase something else at the store. I buy things from Radio Shack all the time, so it will all come out in the wash. "Haunted Bend" does sound like something out of a short story. You can use it too if you like.
from grapecloud :
Sorry I haven't left you a note in a while. I totally wrote that note about FMA late at night, so when I woke up the next morning and watched an episode, I thought to myself "Did I write Hayes, or Hughes?". I think I tried to merge his first and last name, and that's how I got Hayes. I finished watching the whole show this week, and the movie. It was really good, but I kind of felt like I wasn't paying enough attention to it. I'm looking forward to Brotherhood, but I really don't want to buy singles for it, since who knows how long it will be. I hope you get to help those homeless guys. I'm sure you'll see them again before winter. I didn't know you liked the Cardinals. Don't they usually play the Red Sox in the World Series? Still, the Red Sox haven't been that great this season. If they face the Yankees in the ALDS, there's a good chance they won't come out of it. Considering how today is, I'm hoping that they just play, though I'd like to see them win. (It's been raining most of the morning). Thank you for the birthday wish. Sorry again for not writing back.-*Racecar*
from minstrelite :
Haha it's not really named "Haunted Bend" because I code-name all the people and places in my diary. Worst I'll do is use someone's real *first* name now and then. But yeah, it's a cool-sounding name for a coffeeshop, bar, pool hall, some kind of dive. I'll have to use it somewhere lol.
from stellarrobot :
I can't believe you just made me unwittingly listen to Tori Amos. I might be considering ways to hunt you down as we speak. Oh, alright, I will let you get away with it because you actually consider the needs of the homeless, which puts you in a rare category of people who possess hearts. Unlike the category of people that pay homeless people to fight for their own amusement.
from minstrelite :
Bizarre slip - I meant to write: "I haven't read your entry yet" - I wrote "night" instead of "yet." I've noticed I've been doing that sort of thing a lot lately.
from minstrelite :
I haven't read your entry night, but definitely agree that giving coats to the homeless is a good thing to do. Maybe I will switch to that as the weather gets colder. Currently I have been giving money in the form of twenty dollar bills to a couple of the local homeless people, but only because I know that these particular people will use the money well, and not spend it on drugs or alcohol. I'm trying to think of ways I can be a little more useful, out of gratitude that I am no longer homeless myself, and out of a certain amount of understanding of the homeless condition. Also, thanks for your kindly note. I can't believe how far gone I get when I drink. I've been in recovery for about four months now, but when I drink I forget all about it. I'm glad to be back and to be sober today, so hopefully I can fortify that if I don't rebel against the principles of the recovery program. I didn't see the Japanese lady today, but I'll meet her again sometime soon. She's in a similar position as you, in that she was brought up around alcoholics, and so she has a natural disdain for alcohol, and she simply does not drink.
from and-the-way :
giving coats to the homeless is one of the nicest things i've heard in a while. i bet they would love that.
from blackmambo :
Dont stop writing.
from minstrelite :
Yeah, those closeted skeletons will eat you to the bone. They want you to be like they are. They convince you that they belong to the grave, and they want you to take them there with you - or to take you there with them, depending how to look at it. You've probably heard the saying, "we're only as sick as our secrets." I had to think about that one for a while. If it's any consolation, whatever you've done can't be half as bad as whatever I've done lol.
from minstrelite :
We've been here before, but "Hypocrite" might be just a *little* hard on yourself, don't you think? I mean, you told a lie, one lie - does that make you a hypocrite? Well, I suppose we're all hypocrites in a way - but now I'm waxing philosophical. i think the *real* issue is whether or not school is for you right now. I picture you maybe just working for a while, maybe even only part-time, and then pursuing some hobby or activity you enjoy. Not to influence you adversely, but the school will still be there if you leave it. Nothing's fixed, everything is subject to change.
from grapecloud :
Thank you for your awesome notes. I remember reading your diary and you mentioned Full Metal Alchemist. I'm watching that now. Was it just me, or did it really suck when Hayes died (I think I spelled his name wrong, actually)? I don't like that albino looking guy that took his place either, he's creepy. It bothered me when Greed died, too, but not nearly as much, maybe because a bunch of the characters didn't know Hayes was dead. Anyway, I'll let you know when I start integrating the diaries, but it won't be until I get some kind of break from school. Or I get bored and don't have homework, which could be never. Bye!
from enurta :
thank you for your kindness. your note made me smile :) thank you! <3
from erases :
yeah, that's my bro singing. bleachershq.com
from erases :
Thanks man, I appreciate it. You been good?
from mystokryst :
Thanks for your kind note. I'm closing my notes now. I got some counseling, and I understand that when people write things like that, it's bait. They're trying to get me to do the very thing that they insist I not do, which is to engage with them in what they are doing by contacting them, commenting, asking them to stop posting about me, stop saying such awful things, and so forth. It's a hook. Every time I do that very thing, I'm taking the bait. Then, they insist that I not contact them. And yet that's what they're trying to get me to do in the first place, to see how bad they can get me to lose it. So it's all a set-up. But because I can't seem to control myself not to contact them, I keep taking the bait. It's kinda like an alcoholic. This place is like a bar to me. If I wanted not to drink, and I couldn't go into a bar without having a drink, I'd have to stop hanging out in the bar -- at least for a while, until I was stronger. And I might never be stronger. So if I want to stop taking this kind of bait, I have to stay out of DiaryLand - unfortunately. This was explained to me very carefully last night, and I understood it. The only thing I don't understand is if they are doing on this purpose, or if they themselves are being set up, unbeknownst to them. By the devil, that is, or a cosmic equivalent thereof. One way or the other, it's all dark down there, and I can't go there. I did hear from one of them, and it didn't sound to me like she was purposely trying to get my goat, or worse yet, slander me. It sounded from her tone that she was just freaking out, and she didn't know what she was doing. I forgave her after that, because I saw that she was in pain. Maybe it's pain that drives people to do things like that, and to justify them. But then again, I'm from a different generation, and maybe my standards are outmoded. But thank you for your note. You can reach me at Voiceteacher123 at yahoo dot com. ~ Andy
from mystokryst :
This is horrible. I've been on DiaryLand for like three hours, and I'm starting to lose it. Or maybe, I'd already lost it. I don't know if I can come back. I'm too insecure, and I don't let go easily about what some people are saying about me. I keep feeling like I have to defend myself or prove myself, and it's all such a waste of time...
from mystokryst :
Thanks, cloudy-night!
from grapecloud :
Thank you for saying that, it was sweet. I hope you're right, but he's a very popular guy (more so than I realized, now that I'm seeing him again around school), so I don't know what will happen. I get like that when I clean, too. Heck, I cleaned my room, but I barely threw anything away, just moved stuff around, though I'll have to toss most of it eventually. I agree with the title of your last entry, friends are very predictable. Everyone is, after a while. Bye!
from mystokryst :
Hey. Sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to you. It turned out to only be about $1600 worth of software, once I'd checked comparitive prices on NexTag. The program I kept for myself is worth $400, and I doubt my landlady will get the full $1200 for the rest - maybe $900 or so. (She's selling them on Amazon.) But it will still be helpful. And about the computer thing, I have friends irl who feel I shouldn't be making friends online at all. I disagree, just because I don't think they quite get it. I'm pretty happy with the way DiaryLand's been going, for example, and it's been nice making new friends and keeping up with them. But every now and then, if I'm particular frustrated, I tend to make a black-and-white decision that later I realize was too extreme. All things in moderation, I suppose.
from stellarrobot :
Oh gosh I came off sounding like a right asshole in that entry. I actually thanked him profusely. But I was baffled as to why I was getting something for free. Humans are weird. And fyi, if anyone bothered to notice and then convey by a lovely turn of phrase how my innate hotness affects them, I would probably hump their leg in return.
from unclockwise :
What you wrote about keeping things made me think a little. I mean, I have four guitars, two amplifiers, and all sorts of cords and boards and pedals, but I don't play any instruments. They were my grandfather's. And even though somebody might like to have these things, I'm scared to give them away because of what might happen if I do.
from mystokryst :
Three things have come to mind. (1) You actually do have interesting things to say - you just don't think so. It's a self-image issue. (2) I can relate to always trying to figure things out about my self, which interferes with the simple enjoyment of life. I often do things that ought to be enjoyable, but I trip really hard while I'm doing them. (3) I can so totally relate to not approaching the beautiful woman on the metrolink. I hope you're able to strike up a nice conversation with her next time.
from mystokryst :
Thanks for your willingness to pray that I don't have prostate cancer. I would say your note is sound, but I am still working through various comment by people in my support group (vaguely defined as that group might be.) I've not read your new entry yet, so I might leave another note a bit later. You seem a decent fellow.
from stellarrobot :
I get the hugest chubby for under-dogs. Also, I understand lee-way. I'm not sure where you exist but I don't think you could get more southern than me. You should definitely tell people when you find them attractive, depending on the circumstances. If you feel creepy and weird after you have done it (this is more apparent when you are sticking your head in their bedroom window during the night - I learnt this the hard way), then just say have a nice day and walk away. I'm never offended when someone expresses like for my hotness. Because, it like, happens all the time.
from erases :
You know, that last entry you wrote there reminded me of my exact sentiments this past month. I've been thinking about how I'm the underdog as well. Can't catch a break or a date. But you're right. We're all top dogs. And as for people not working hard enough around you.. God do I know what that's like... I told that to my counselor though, and he put me in my place. He said it's not fair to judge others (lest ye be judged). You can feel all this frustration, but at the end of the day all you can account for is you. Keep on working your ass off. That's what top dogs do. You and me man.
from mystokryst :
LOVE the blue font against the black like that, with larger white title - keep it! Don't feel strange. I never go up to beautiful women and tell them they're beautiful either. Actually, that might be a good thing. Well, it's all in the intent, suppose, whether it's complimentary or objectifying. Yeah, that was a long-ass entry. It took me like two hours. You're right that I was trying to release and work through my feelings. But I took it to the point of obsession, and I had a hard time letting go. I wrote it on WordPad, then even after I pasted it onto D-Land, there were formatting mistakes I had to go back and correct. And it was so long, it took forever to make the corrections. I was sure glad when it was over! Thanks for taking the time to read it all, in the two settings you mentioned. I should have taken a break while writing it but I didn't. You also said something really insightful about redemption. I think we are already redeemed, just because of the hugeness of God and of grace, but in our search to become better human beings it is difficult for us to forgive ourselves. In my case, maybe I need to let up and just relax. I start to get tense as my standard becomes too high.
from mystokryst :
A couple things I forgot. Yes, she probably sees in me a mirror image of her daughter, and it might be too much for her. And yes, everything in moderation. I think that's a good key to bear in mind. Thanks.
from mystokryst :
Thanks for reading the whole entry. I tend to write a long one, so I appreciate it when someone takes the time. Time management is one of my biggest issues right now - probably the biggest one, with money management being second. Yeah, Carol's daughter used to always run away from home and hook up with older guys she found in chat rooms, now she's like 20 or something but she's already had two kids in this manner, so she's a single Mom but living at home. I also got really pissed off at Carol in 2003 because when my Mom died and I was trying to tell her she was so tripped out about Jessica running away from home again that she didn't even hear me. Once it finally dawned on her she somehow got the idea into her head that I didn't want any condolences. I got so pissed off I quit the job where I worked with her, then proceeded to go over her head and complain about her to all her superiors, including principals and superintendent. It's no wonder she hasn't forgiven me, but on the other hand it's been five years now. I'm tempted to write to her and try to "prove myself" (there I go again) but I think Art is right that I ought to hold off.
from mystokryst :
I've noticed that good things come to us if we let them. They're not always the things we expected or hoped for, but they can still be good if we're open to them.
from erases :
It's a good thing man. Marvel and Disney both rule, and now they will rule together!
from grapecloud :
I know how you feel, I almost think it's because the past is comforting and safe- you know what's going to happen. I don't think I've been as happy as I used to be lately, but I can't tell anymore. I've watched Bleach subbed a few times, I like the sub, too (except for adult Nel, her voice is way too high). That's really the only problem I have with Japanese voice acting, some women are too squeaky for me. I think dubs are something that you have to go on a case by case basis with, since some are really good (like Baccano!) and some are really middling (Gankutsuou-The Count of Monte Cristo, where the actors didn't seem to know much French). The Bleach dub is better now that it was in the beginning but I thought it took a dive during the Bount arc, though the whole show did, so I doubt anyone cares. I think the manga is odd because it's better in chunks than individual chapters. Sorry this is so long, I don't have many people to talk about anime with. Bye!
from mystokryst :
Thanks for the sympathy. I think you understand.
from mystokryst :
You're right about the payphones. Not to be defensive, but I think I pretty much figured I'd wind up on the operating table anyway. I mean, a biopsy to find out whether or not you have cancer isn't exactly an operation somebody in their right mind is going to want to flake out on. There's a known payphone about a mile East from me, but most of them in the immediate neighborhood have bee gutted out. When I can afford another cell phone, I'll get one - it's top of my list.
from mystokryst :
Hopefully I'll be less hard on myself later. The trouble with me posting here is that I have a history on DiaryLand and I can't help but think that certain people are going to be angry at me for coming back. So at times when I am writing, they pop into my head and it increases my level of insecurity. It's kind of like giving a speech before a bunch of judges. You feel as though you have to prove yourself. In reality, I don't have to prove anything to anybody - none of us do. But it's just a feeling I have, and hopefully it will go away after a while. Like performance anxiety.
from mystokryst :
Thanks for noting me. Your insights are spot-on. I'll have more to say after I deal with the demons growling in my stomach, demanding nutritional gratification. I've been on a roll and somehow neglected to eat - another thing I tend to do.
from mystokryst :
I hope you'll excuse the intrusion and welcome a note from an unknown reader. I'm a friend of your friend enurta but I found you by clicking like everybody does these days on the list of recent entries. Anyway, I just read your last four or five entries, and I can really relate to being sort of inert and not taking action when I ought to, not turning my work in on time, and so forth. But maybe it is better if we see ourselves in terms of our potential rather than looking at the past and seeing all the things we did wrong. It just seems to me that by looking back we empower those patterns and we don't give ourselves the freedom to escape them. You strike me as more than intelligent and more than capable. You're probably too hard on yourself, and if you can believe in yourself a bit more, it might just be the boost you need, rather than kicking yourself because of all your past mistakes. The past is past even if it is only yesterday, and each day can be a fresh start if we want it to be (barring situations such as terminal illness and so forth). My five cents, you can take it or leave it. Enjoyed reading you, you write well and are very coherent.
from stellarrobot :
Hey, it takes a lot of chutzpah to be a slacker. And a lot of corn chips. Just remember that you are unique and to compare yourself to anyone else is pointless. I only compare myself to people who are in a worse situation to me. That way, I feel just grand and dandy.
from erases :
right there with you, buddy.
from stellarrobot :
We are both food stuffs of immeasurable quality! I'll refrain from making any references to eating as I am on a crass-free diet. It's a new things I am trying. I'll take a French maid too, if she cooks and I clean. Or he. I don't discriminate. I'll also refrain from making any reference to Santa coming down my chimney. I'm all about abhorrence! I'll concoct a list.
from erases :
thank you.. that really means a lot to me
from stellarrobot :
I abhor everything. I think that's healthy. Also you don't make me feel uncomfortable, you are a muffin. Men like women who can cook and clean simultaneously?? No shit, and I thought they just liked French Maid outfits for the symbolism alone. I wonder if there are any French Maids who wear that outfit without irony. I think I will go to France to uncover the bitter truth of this.
from grapecloud :
I'm glad you like Bleach, too. Now I can reference it in my diary and someone will know what I am talking about. Yay! That layout takes getting used to, but then I realize that there are no Diaryland layout sites anymore, considering most date back to 3 years ago or more. I think I've had my layout for quite a while now, like four years or something. I want to make one, but I'm lazy. Still, it's a good layout, there's a Powerpuff Girls one on that site that I almost got for myself. Oh, and I really like your diary, your entries are inspirational (though I haven't read back too far yet).-*Racecar*
from stellarrobot :
What's another thing you abhor?
from stellarrobot :
OMG, we both referenced Led Zepp on the same day! We are like twins.
from erases :
you got that right, my friend.
from stellarrobot :
What are those things that you abhor? I pretty much love everyone too. Especially when I am drunk.
from erases :
there is no rumor, that's already set in motion. it will be called captain america: the first avenger. it will coincide with the opening of thor in 2011. 2010 will be iron man 2. 2012 will be the avengers movie with captain america, thor, iron man, the hulk, among many others. marvel f*cking rules!
from stellarrobot :
Ok, I thought about it. You can keep Tori. It's ok. I won't hold it against you. Much.
from grapecloud :
Thank you for your note. What song is that from, anyway? I know how it feels to not want to go back to school, I don't really want to go back, either, if only because I've been feeling like I haven't left (I'm taking summer classes). Still, I don't fit in where I go to school either, so I know how it is to try and fit in and fail at it. I have to point out that I know who Naruto is, I kind of figured a lot of people would, since they sell the books and DVDs at Wal Mart now (and everywhere else, it seems). Bye!
from stellarrobot :
Hey - I never said I cried. There was something lodged in my eye. Meanwhile, Tori....boy oh boy, I'm going to have to put you through a re-education program.
from stellarrobot :
Well who isn't harbouring a secret crush on me I ask you? We really need to have a sit-down discussion about Tori Amos. In which I say really bad things about her and make you cry.
from erases :
that makes me feel a little bit better. "other side of the world person" sounds like the name of a twilight zone episode. at least you're not the only other side of the world person. i feel like that sometimes, too.
from stellarrobot :
I can't sleep either. There should be some club for insomniacs to join to pass the night hours. I guess that's partly why people mate.
from erases :
thank you! that's just me and my guitar late at night.
from and-the-way :
without failure, how can anyone grow?
from and-the-way :
thank you for those much needed kind words :)
from erases :
welcome to the club.
from blackmambo :
I love degrassi. I really hope they bring back marco and joe.
from enurta :
'Who would want to marry a loser like myself? Who would want to marry someone who always looks back? Who would want to be with someone who doesn't seem to like himself?' You are not a loser! You are a person, who deserves to love and to be loved. You will find someone eventually. I believe everyone has a soulmate out there....keep believing! xxx
from blackmambo :
I guess it depends on the situation. But its over, I survived and graduated which I believe made me a stronger and better person because.....for the reason I cant say because I hate to gossip. But they were really horrible people and if people knew the story would so totally agree with me. lol. anyways do you rush on your goals? I used to do that and I just ended up more disappointed because of the wasted time and fucking up and had to start again. Pace yourself, take your time and dont worry so much or you will get wrinkles.
from erases :
your spirit dwarfs the tall building.
from blackmambo :
are you really my twin??? I dont have my driver's license either and I payed a guy 60 dollars to teach me for two sessions but I only got one cause the dude didnt answer the phone.lol. and that was last year. and I been getting my permit since I was 19 and I am no where near 19 anymore. stop stealing my life!! lol j/k. honestly, you have no idea with what they made me go through and its something that I will hate them for. Thats how I feel.
from blackmambo :
Im going to take the class at another location thats closer to my home which works out great for me. You just dont know how much hatred I have for those people. anyways....eminem? really?
from erases :
the new dave matthews is incredible, but piss on eminem. don't waste your money.
from a-d-w :
i have terrible discipline too, i vowed to do four hours writing a day last week and did barely two for the whole week. study has dulled my skill down a lot too, i used to be alright at it now i feel a bit awkward writing. maybe you are like me and just need to practice, get back into it and be awesome. or just good, you know, whatever you strive for
from blackmambo :
I accept you.
from erases :
you're no fool..
from blackmambo :
I wouldnt say that things are on track for me but I am trying to follow my own advice. It isnt easy but Im trying...sometimes. The book Im waiting for is this anatomy book that I need. Its taking for ever!!
from erases :
it happens. you just have to push through it.
from a-d-w :
to be honest i only have "little earthquakes" and have not managed to explore further. recommendations?
from blackmambo :
hey twin, u should really stop comparing ur life with other people because ur just doing it to make urself feel bad. theres no reason for it. and who cares what people think! and if u dont like complaining than stop! yea stop! and live. just go for it. you have to try.
from blackmambo :
i want to write a novel. I have to come up with a story because my life is way too boring and kinda sad. Starting is the hardest thing for me because i dont know if im going to finish it but how will i know?
from erases :
roll with it.
from blackmambo :
you sound just like me. what is it that you want to do?
from home-of-d :
Challenge: Open the door. Go for a walk. Take a camera and take random pictures of things you never look at normaly. Get close to things you walk past and take a picture of just a piece of what you see. :) If you dont have a camera, borrow one, if you cant borrow one then just go for the walk and then come back and list 10 things you never noticed before today. :)
from a-d-w :
"I love the new pictures of her, she is very beautiful. I wouldn't want to date her or anything, but I would love to talk to her about her music and her life over something to drink." this is awesome x10
from a-d-w :
i think maybe i know how you feel
from home-of-d :
Know exactly how you feel. the steps to get out and try.. are hard sometimes... but i'm hoping they are worth it.
from home-of-d :
You are your own amazing person, don't wait for someone to come into your life. Be that person you want to be.
from unresolved :
thanks! if you would like to continue reading: hunting / rabbits
from enurta :
The red cross sucks. I tried volunteering for them but all the wanted from me was money. but maybe it's different where you live. don't know
from and-the-way :
I was watching The Princess Diaries on tv last night also. I like how she stays herself even in the midst of becoming royalty. Maybe change isn't always good.
from juicygirlnet :
I'm pretty sure you aren't THAT horrible now. be optimistic.

back to cloudy-night's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland

Recently updated
News
update January 7, 2019: Working full-time behind the scenes to improve the site in so many ways. This will not be a fast process, but it's going to be so good for numerous reasons. Big 2019 for Diaryland!

Sign up for paid membership if you want!

Users online