DiaryLand members area

I just wanted to tell you, that I don't think you are stupid either.... not that you asked me or anything, but I don't have a bad opinion of you. In fact, I like you.

from h2ophobic :

My name is Carolyn and I've been reading your diary for a month or so now. I'm sorry I haven't taken the time before this to say "Hi." When it comes to notes and comments, I tend to be a bit on the shy side. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoy reading you. Thanks!

from annanotbob :

Ooh, exciting! With Marion and the marathon, I'll only want to turn up and wave as she comes through. The finish is about half a mile from my house, so it would probably be about an hour altogether on the sea front. I'm cool, whatever. I'm just EXCITED!! I can get you from Gatwick if you come in there - it's only twenty miles from here xx

from annanotbob :

Hello dear, Just back and catching up. Can I say that nothing would make me happier than making you a birthday dinner, should that fit in with any plans that might develop. So don't even think of being alone on your birthday, OK? What's up with the comments? Is it the end of haloscan? Hope not. Love xxx

from fifidellabon :

Bluey! Your comments have disappeared! At any rate, I feel so badly about your not being able to take the course. Perhaps when one door shuts, another really does open. I am wishing you all sorts of good things. XOFifi Pee Ess Thanks again for your help!

from annanotbob :

I think what you're experiencing is what I've been led to understand as dissonance. Neuroscientists have demonstrated that a thought is a spark between two something or others in your brain, and a repeated thought literally creates a path between those two whatevers, making it easy to think that thought again. When we check these automatic thoughts and send them in a new direction, it shakes us up I have a handout on this which I will try and find. The upshot is, it's all good. H says the emotions will come but imagine looking at them like a river running past - you don't have to get swept along with them, you can just notice they are there and carry on. Hope this makes sense - bit stoned. I think you are wonderful!! xxx

from raven72d :

Art is always a viewer-response thing. And I love the layout...and the quotes. Though, contra Sartre, I would assert that "Hell is other people trying to make me eat beets."

from ohell :

Enfinblue! Thank you for the nicest note. Love annanotbob's stuff too....thx for checking me out. I am currently reading you and having a blast w/ it. You keep it up too!

from annanotbob :

I've lost track of our 'conversation' but whatever and whenever you decide is cool with me. Love and {{{hugs}}}

from annanotbob :

I've had trouble all day getting on your comments, so I'm here instead. Those figures about degrees and motherhood are SHOCKING! And I'm interested in the Paul Gilbert book - what's it called? My travel plans are in flux too, but I'll write on my page about it. Love xxx

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, if you only just knew how very much like me that you are, you would do a splattering hurl! (I just learnt that expression this weekend!) There were many good things, and I am in the process of erasing all of the bad things from my memory. Except for the bad things that will get a laugh! XOFifi

from xxholding-on :

hi i saw you were online and i really wanted the vote from diaryland towards a contest i joined. It's a coach marketing contest and i need as many votes as i can get, please help! http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=975395_34070543&pid=2767347&scid=452

from fifidellabon :

You can get the Verbena washing soap for the laundry at The Frenchy Bee. Dot com. XOFifi

from annanotbob :

'The Compassionate Mind' by Paul Gilbert. I was just thinking of looking out an art class for the new term when your note arrived! hugs xx

from annanotbob :

Hello honey. I hope all is well with you - I'm glad you still drop in. Take care xxx ps that book I mentioned about compassion is BRILLIANT - very much coming from 'our' sort of understanding

from cocoabean :

so you are still posting, but not sharing? Otherwise, I would love the password.. drkchoclover AT gmail! thanks...

from annanotbob :

Hope all is well xx

from and-the-way :

just browsing...lovely picture of el duomo!

from portlypete :

Just found your diary as I meandered through Diaryland. I'll be coming back if that's OK. Florence is my favourite city which, even as I write it, I know isn't strictly true. Everywhere I've been in Italy is just magical.

from artgnome :

I hope you will email me, send me your password and keep in touch! I'm finally back from NY and will be around to communicate.

from saudades :

Thank you, EB, you always have something wise and kind to say, and this brightens my day. I am optimistic about the way things will go for me. I really love those "thinking outside the box" and "eureka" moments. I am happy for you about the new things you are experiencing and the fresh outlook. Hurrah for spring!:)

from saudades :

The idea is not very interesting and hard to explain in detail, I'm afraid. But I will tell you. It is to do a small trip by myself. I was thinking about Norway in the morning, since I've been "preparing" for Norway for a decade! But I need to go for domestic destinations first. ;)

from saudades :

Thank you, EB. :) That makes me feel better (and less grumpy).

from saudades :

Valiant! Very nice. That's what appeared in the lexicon last night.

from saudades :

Ah, EB, thanks, I do deserve the lecture. Especially, it is true: I don't have as many problems as I think. What a mania for creating problems in the mind! "The truth is I'm a bad person, but I'm going to change..." Much love!

from teranika :

Thanks for your note. I'm not decided on Funcouver yet. I promised myself that I would give it five years before I made a decision on how I feel about the place. I already see many things improving, the longer I stay - we'll see if I ever find the pocket of culture that I miss! But like you (I think), I will still always long for the better life that I've experienced in Europe. There's just this teeeny tiny disconnect between that European place and fulfilling employment in that place....

from raven72d :

Lovely layout photo... and a life of travel and transient yet passionate affairs in foreign lands sounds brilliant.

from fifidellabon :

Well, then, you should have written "Bluey is one such woman" because you are, my leetle friend, you are! If not for your inspiration, I wouldn't even have any art supplies, much less be making any. Not good art, but some of it is starting to look even a bit cute. XOFifi

from saudades :

"Entre visillos" means between window curtains, but the word vecinos means neighbors! I just saw the first pictures from California, I just loved them! :) And thanks for the moral support about the boy issues. I just don't see how dating for the sake of dating will do anything for me, but what gets me in trouble is trying to be polite / courteous at the same time that I decline the invitations.

from hungryghost :

Oooh, that's great - Madeline embraces semiotics! Thanks for sharing that! (It's always the anglicized "Madeline" here - is it the frenchier "Madeleine" in Ca?)

from saudades :

Have a wonderful trip, EB! :)

from saudades :

Thanks, EB. Well, I have to define some goals. Deadlines are crazy; it's "apply, then think." But I do try to squeeze enjoyment in! :)

from saudades :

I love what you said about amusing yourself because I experience that too. I make myself laugh! That is wonderful. I am glad that you seem to be doing well, too. :)

from hungryghost :

I'm glad the article resonated with you - I really did with me. You are so strong, honest and thoughtful in considering the reasons why you feel and act the way you do - I wish I had that kind of sustained ability to critique myself productively. And YES, lunch when you come to NYC, no dragging necessary!

from saudades :

Hi, EB!! I loved your thoughts on society/norms and women throughout history. I think, also, it's hard enough today for many women in many parts of the world. I don't have a soul mate, either! But you and I both have our complete selves. Despite my blocks, I like who I am deep down. I sense that you also like yourself, and that makes me happy since you are incredibly likeable. Here is a Germaine Tailleferre quote that I found: "I write music because it amuses me. It's not great music, I know, but it's gay, light-hearted music which is sometimes compared with that of the 'petits maitres' of the 18th century. And that makes me very proud." What impressed me more about her work was its continuity. So prolific for seventy years! And the "amuses myself" part reminds me of Cole Porter's quote about being in the business of entertaining himself and entertaining others in the process. Now I will stop writing before I leave you a book. Ooph! ;) P.S.-- Thanks to you, too.

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, how could it possibly have been about you?! You aren't even close to a trainwreck! Really, I'd tell you if you were. (Cause I'm that kind of a friend...) Seriously, there are a few that he reads that seem like a trainwreck. I know, isn't it horrible---I follow peoples' comments around. It's only just that I am interested, though. No stalker in me! Speaking of which, I have an unIDed reader that doesn't use the same computer each time, so I can't block them. Don't you wish that new readers would identify themselves? Oh well. Feel better. Wish me luck, I'm off to the dentist's soon! XOFifi

from raven72d :

A battered copy of Karl Polanyi and a photo of Venice in the fog... Lovely.

from teranika :

This is the company that I've always used: http://www.jpmorganclimatecare.com/

from teranika :

As for ig, well yes, I can hear you saying, "Michael dear, about that POLL..." Actually, the Lobe comments really aren't that different from any other newspaper comments, as far as I can tell. There is something about news article comments that brings out stupidity in people.

from teranika :

HEE HEE! This one is a classic: http://www.angusreidstrategies.com/polls-analysis/opinion-polls/friendly-relationship-persists-canadians-and-americans-perceive-each-ot

from teranika :

Yes, I agree it's a ridiculous poll, but sadly it's pretty much in keeping with the Lobe's style. Anyway this poll has now been plastered across every evolution/creationist website in North America so now it's just a "YES IT IS! NO IT ISN"T" shouting match. As to the comments, occasionally K and I take a deep breath and dive into the comments following Lobe articles. They are oddly seductive - like watching a train wreck.

from saudades :

EB, yes, that's what I need to think of it as: a pact. Great word! It's going to work. As for the accents, I don't mind mine. But other people seem not to understand me sometimes. Oh well. :)

from saudades :

Hi EB! :) Yes, your advice really helped. I do have fruit every day almost. (Not the case with greens and fiber.) What happens also is that I have no time to prepare my lunch on most days (I should make the time). So, I end up buying sandwiches from the vending machine. You can imagine how full of preservatives they are! Unfortunately, I don't know what athletes like you feel by being so fit, but I can imagine it is truly fantastic, because just one walk and stretching exercises made me feel much more centered and energized. Now I just need to find ways to develop the habit. :)

from saudades :

EB, thank you so much for your note! I went for a walk today, and it definitely relieved a lot of stress. All of this from your good advice! I have been following the development of events in your diary, and I am very happy about things going well for you. And you're right, it's not about clearing off a desk so that one can sit down and decide what to do. Life is a lot like art, sometimes. It is unpredictable and requires effort. Thank you for the good vibes, EB. :) Hugs!

from annanotbob :

Thank you so much! Can I email you - I have your address but it seems rude to not ask which is mental, I know, so I'm off to email you now. xx

from annanotbob :

Oh yes!!! Fingers very crossed! I just think the three of us could be so good together, don't you? And you could distract them all while I steal Sid dog... xx

from artgnome :

oh hey, sorry bluey, I am passworded because of my creepy ex-husband. un: artgnome pw:gnomeart. Thanks for asking!

from fifidellabon :

It behooves me to say that you are indeed fab, and an inspiration as well! XOFifi

from saudades :

Oh, now I read that, and it didn't make sense. The last two sentences are unrelated! muaks! xoxo

from saudades :

I think you're right. You're so sweet. Thank you for the advice, and I'm sorry for being MIA lately and not sending you greetings. But you're not almost 40 yet! ;) xoxo

from teranika :

I am honored by the mention...:-) and the fabulous customer service story. Really, you know that the economy must STILL be good when this many incompetent people still have jobs..

from teranika :

woohoo - curling! that's the one olympic sport I actually wanted to see. (a rather complicated game, I'm told). interestingly, I'm sitting up scouring classic, theoretical environmental economics papers regarding limits to growth theory. amazing what we climate scientists have to teach...

from teranika :

yes, the nurse clearly had a checklist, and was clearly protecting her "lettuce" (as we've taken to call it around Susi...). But it was still helpful because she pointed out all of the symptoms that we should be looking for. Actually, the infant care out here has been amazing. - as for your arm - oy! New policy here: if you are not sure, then ask. Especially on Friday at 2pm.

from annanotbob :

Thanks. I know I'm being ridiculous and that this will pass. Hugs xxx

from fifidellabon :

Pee Ess I loved the link! Thank you! XOFifi

from saudades :

Yes, I will do one too! This will be great. :) It's time to enjoy ourselves. It's like the song "Is That All There Is?" If that's all there is my friends, / then let's keep dancing. Let's breakout the booze/ and have a party. ;) OK, not the booze part for me, but you know.

from annanotbob :

(Shit - I sent this note to myself) Fuck Ottawa! I want to hang out and chat and exchange ideas. See where you live xx

from annanotbob :

I have the whole month of April, or even a bit more if necessary. At the moment it looks like fly to Boxx, spend 4/5 days there, maybe more, then on to alison in Michigan for just a couple of days then to the East where it could go a number of ways. Why would that journey be bad by train? I could fly? I want to see Diane (h20dragon) in Mass, then there's LA, Hil, awittykitty and Fifi all within driving distance. I really am so overwhelmed by this. xxx

from annanotbob :

Nope, I mean this April, in about eight weeks. I thought it a bit lucky that you could make it. Never mind - perhaps I can travel up to Ottawa by (sleeper?) train for a weekend. From near Detroit, then back down to someplace on the coast in Massachusetts? Does that sound plausible?

from mariastuart :

As I said before, a diary is not always a good/real representation of someone in real life... It are just little parts we want to share, not everything. Trust me, I'm not telling everything. Would be too boring :) And could be too shocking :) hahaha

from saudades :

I wouldn't be attracted by those profiles, either. Have you ever written a list (long list) about what qualities you would like a possible date to have? I haven't, but maybe I should. And I think if you enjoy looking at the clothes blogs, then it doesn't matter that much whether it's a should or want. :) Thank you, by the way, for your input and encouragement. I really value your thoughts and sincerely think about them. Xoxo!!

from fifidellabon :

Happy Secret. aka Surfin' the Crimson Tide, Riding the Cotton Pony, well, you get the drift. As for talking myself out of a mindloop. I just do it the way that I do to everbody else, I simply yell at myself to stop it this instant. Seriously, I write out a pro/con (hee! I said "con") list in my head, and if that doesn't work, I remind myself why mindloops are futile. XOFifi Pee Ess Thank you for the glorious cold air and snow! Hurrah!

from saudades :

I'm going to reflect upon what you said. :)

from xoleni :

Hey, I just stumbled upon your diary. Your pictures of Italy are gorgeous. And you mentioned a "creativity book" that was recommended to you, may I ask which book?

from annanotbob :

My pc has gone all slow so I haven't been able to read your last two. I hope you are feeling good and I will catch up tonight. Love xxx

from saudades :

Thanks Miss EB! I am glad to read you are feeling energized and free after your trip. I know, I go through these slumps, but I have a secret weapon up my sleeve. Or so I think. :) Cheers!

from saudades :

Welcome home! :)

from fifidellabon :

Who could not like a girl in lilac boots? XOFifi

from annanotbob :

Thanks for your note - good to hear from you - I was thinking of you and hoping all was well. I'm reading a (rubbish) novel about a school trip to Venice in February and I'm enjoying the vicarious time with you in Italia. Happy New Year, dearest Bluey. We need to make good resolutions, don't we? {{{hugs}}}

from saudades :

EB! Merry Christmas! I hope itis as special as you are, and I really am happy to hear about your mother's thoughtfulness. :O I just wanted to say Merry Christmas, and much love to you! Xoxoxo!

from boxx9000 :

MERRY CHRISTMAS. Peace, Love, Health & Happiness in 2009

from fifidellabon :

Oh, thank you, Bluey! I am much better. For a few days there I couldn't even handle it. What I think that it is is that Biba has a new school and new germs. I seem to have caught the fourth thing in a row. However, I shall prevail. Denial seems to do the trick! Happy Christmas to you! XOFifi

from saudades :

Oh, EB, you did reply! Even if you hadn't, you don't need to apologize for that. I'm sorry that it's been such a tough week... I hope you can have a good weekend. A big hug to you, and thank you for your encouragement regarding my academic endeavors. You're very sweet.

from fifidellabon :

Why "S", of course! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, the question is good, but I think that the answer might be "doesn't matter" You decide. XOFifi

from teranika :

Ha! I can see how that article inspired that impression. Just yesterday, CBC interviewed the author of that 18-page biographical piece. The word that he repeated was "ruthless." I thought it was interesting and wonder if it will become iggy's catchword. Sort of like Al Gore being "wooden." Incidentally, I also heard on CBC this morning (can you tell that Vancouver finally put CBC1 on the FM dial?) that there is a bus strike in Ottawa - the commentator was bemoaning the traffic. I thought of you - blissfully unaffected and gliding through snow to work...ho dee ho dee ho hum....

from fifidellabon :

Aw, you are the sweetest! But Bluey, I'd bet my left something-or-other, whatever the saying is, that the dudes find you utterly enchanting! The world needs Blueys. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Fantastica!!! Chalk up ten for the Kitty! XOFifi

from teranika :

oh, no need to worry about it. It didn't waste my time. (I wanted to find out what happened to the wife and the brother!).

from saudades :

Fifi's note two notes ago, so true. You're so lovely. Thanks for the sweet comments, and let's take care of our self-appreciation better.

from fifidellabon :

I know a gel dude!!! We call him "Slick", but not to his face! XOFifi Pee Ess sometimes "acting out" can be fun, as long as nobody actually ever gets hurt...

from teranika :

I finally finished the 18-page iggy article! I feel a little bit like I've experienced a TV movie. You're right - it was a little bit gossipy - and I didn't think it was very favorable. I realize that I didn't come away with a strong sense of his positions - except that he was in favor of the war in Iraq, and critical of leftist idealism. Funny, they entirely missed out on his Big Mac fetish....;-)

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, I am frankly surprised that you haven't got dozens of Italin manen longing for you! To tell you the truth, you probably have got them, only you just mightn't be aware of it. The getting married would just be sort of an afterthought. And you are NOT a stupid, nor a chicken, although I happen to really like chickens! The feathery kind. But really, don't you think of how brave that you are? How many people do even a sliver of what you do? As for M, just don't worry about it. Whether he is or isn't in your thoughts, isn't that up to you? And it certainly isn't up to anyone else to judge. About what I can't even imagine. But I think that you are swell and fabulous and dashing and adorable and thoughtful, and still, really so much like an Austin heroine. I am glad to be getting the feeling that you are starting to understand the vast amounts of fabulosity that you have. Oh, the other entry? That was just venting about this bimmm-bo who is always shrieking and howling and trying to compete with everybody and honestly, I think that she needs medical help. I simply couldn't say such a thing to her face, nor even behind her back, but she was causing such arse-pain yesterday (forch for us all, she left early) that I simply had to vent. I always feel so much better after a Dear X and I'd never Dear X anyone who would actually be reading here. So. There you have it! XOFifi

from teranika :

OK, but at least he's not a retarded drunk who has found religion. Certain recent political figures have set the benchmark rather high....

from teranika :

Thanks for the link! I'm horrified to learn that there is actually a book called: Old Boys: The Powerful Legacy of Upper Canada College that anyone would WANT to contribute to. So far the article paints him as a pompous *ss...Will have to wait until I read more about his record.

from teranika :

would be curious to hear your thoughts on replacements for him. unfortunately I've not been very excited by the alternatives (I'm having a sad, Canadian version of a John Kerry moment..), although anything else has to be better!

from saudades :

Ohhhh, I see what you mean - about the disappointment. You're far more corageous than I am! This point of view is encouraging to me. :)

from teranika :

Wow, the front page! Oh, the number of times I've scoured that paper looking for something that I thought was important news. But, well, that happens with a lot of other news sources, too, it's just somehow one seems to expect more from the times. Guess I shouldn't.

from saudades :

Lovely Miss EB, good morning!! :) Thanks for sharing that, that is so funny! I can see it working already. I send a big hug to you in return, my friend.

from fifidellabon :

You mean the one about the gas thingies? Hah, you'd never believe how often I've just pretended to be somebody else. Must be all the theater people in the family, because it does seem to do the trick and I am quite good at it! Well, as the great E C said, welcome to the working week! XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

THANK YOU! (red is my favorite color)

from stepfordtart :

Thank you! the photobucket pics wouldnt open but the blogger one looks perfect. If it wouldnt be too much trouble I'd love the pattern. A photocpoy would be OK and I can send my snail mail address, or you could email to stepfordtartATdiarylandDOTcom. You're a star, thanks so much. s x

from stepfordtart :

Hello! I am annanotbob's RL friend - she spread a vicious rumour (well, she told me!) that you might have a knitting pattern for one of those funny earflap hippie hats. If there's any possibility of you sharing, would you let me know? My dozy daughter wants one for her 1st ever skiing trip in the New Year - I bought her one but, of course, its not 'right' so I think Im going to have to let her choose some wool and get myself clickety-clicking. If you can point me in the right directoin Id be ever so grateful - and would happily swap for anything Ive got that you might like (recipes/musicians/chocolate?). s x

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, I am thinking of you but have nothing interesting to say. I do hope that your foot goes down. Slipping is always such a surprise that one can never get a good defence up before the splat part! XOFifi

from saudades :

Hi EB. I so agree with your comment. Definitely, it must be painful to be deceived that way, and have references to your pain all over pop culture. - It seems you had a moment of catharsis today. A good cry can be healing. I relate to what you said - being there in the moment. I hope your weekend is full of lovely moments of full presence, as well as always of course. Thanks for your good wishes and encouragement when it comes to my life.

from mariastuart :

Ignore my comment :)

from mariastuart :

Ow, password? Everything ok there? Has it to do with my comment or so? Maybe I have too much imagination? Yes, I ask a lot of questions :)

from fifidellabon :

Hah-hah-hah, I can't believe that one of us actually said it! She looks 45 if a day, and remember that she did already her eyes have done! You rock the hizzouse! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Hallo, Bluey! I admit, I was wondering which pieces you might have picked out when I was shopping. These are more flowy and loosey-goosey. I imagine you as being the more perfectly tailored type. That doesn't work as well for me as well because of the bazoomies. ( I picked up that word in Canada, you know!) XOFifi

from saudades :

EB, thanks for your thoughts. I know I�m unkind with myself more often than what is good. Individual tests alone don�t upset me , but I feel like I�ve been in the same cycle for almost eight years. It�s frustrating, and I lose patience with myself. I understand what you mean though; there�s more to live for than just marks, and I frankly am not so interested in them. Rather I�m concerned about the major blocks that I build for myself, half consciously. That�s part of why I said I need therapy; I just don�t know what�s up with this. If I felt that I was living instead of just dealing with the lack of incentive to get up in the mornings� Anyway, I�m going to give myself a break; thank you again for your kind note. It reminds me I can't beat myself up like that and move toward a better relationship with the self. :)

from mariastuart :

I totally understand you can't come twice to Paris :) Anyway, a difficult decision if you must choose between London or Paris. I'm in a Paris mood for the last months but I've been to London 5 times in the last 2 years I guess. So enough is enough, I only would go to London because they have a Top Shop & I'm addicted to that shop. The last time I spend there almost 3,5 hours and had a huge headache when I left. It was a bit too much after trying out 30 outfits... Well, I will be in New York until the 7th but am quite busy as it seems "everyone" wants to meet up :) I had 3 other offers to meet with some people and I don't know if I will have the time to meet people and also see the whole city. Decisions, decisions...!!! :) I'm a spoiled brat :)

from fifidellabon :

Welcome back, and I'd never think that! It sounds as if you've been having a lovely time and I applaud that! XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

HAAPPY HALLOWEEN. I MISS YOU!

from annanotbob :

Thinking of you and hoping you are well xxx

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, I am taking some sweet, sweet freedom tomorrow. Also I am looking things over and realising that I am a bit of a spoilt brat. But a nice one...XOFifi

from enfinblue :

I don't even know if that link works. Don't know if anyone has contacted me in that way. Hmm...My address is marathongirl9 at ahem um hot>>>>, if it is sought for something else. I just remembered, too, that you asked me the other day about tips about financial markets! I wish I were a guru, but unfortunately I'm not a financial economist. I mean, I can understand the stuff, but I don't really follow financial markets. The closest I get really is in looking at changes in income and earnings, especially employment earnings, since I analyse labour markets. :)

from manfromvenus :

Perhaps the reason you didn't do a detailed calculation of the kind I did, when considering how to write 50,000 words in a month... is precisely because you /have/ been doing calculations all day long. I drew pretty pie charts for most of the day. BTW: do you read the eMail that's sent to your 'contact' link?

from annanotbob :

Another postcard came today! Thank you so much! xxxx Hope your dinner with C went well and that you have a restufl, curative weekend xxx

from boxx9000 :

re: Flea Mkts. My Mom used to drag me to flea mkts, yard sales, thrift stores, and antique shops when I was a child and I HATED it. To this day I STILL can not stand anything that is old, dirty, or dusty. It just gives me the creeps. I recycle, I always donate stuff to the thrift stores. But, I do NOT like going to them at all.

from fifidellabon :

I'm joining An in wishing you a safe and happy journey. I used to have a friend who liked to go to other countries and deflower young men. Always had a good time, that one...we are about to shove off for a weekend of canoe-ing. Have lots of fun and I can't wait to hear your stories! Safe home. XOFifi

from mariastuart :

I haven't been at Diaryland in the last days but I had to come here to wish you a GREAT trip before you leave! Have a safe flight, it will be over before you know it :) Enjoy the Italian sun, food & men :) I will catch up with all the diaries here in a whiel but now it's just too busy! A lot of things are going on, to tell a little part of it: I saw the one from 15 years ago again and let say there is something in the air. At least, I guess & I hope :)

from annanotbob :

I live in Sussex!!! You're on, Bluey, a wheat-free dinner at Casanotbob - woo hoo, excited!! I've never been to Rye, but there's a fantastic series of books set there - Mapp and Lucia by E.F. Benson, written in the 1920s, well worth a look, very bitchy and camp. Knitting and a movie sounds grand - I shall follow your example tomorrow xxx

from fifidellabon :

Bluey. If a canary were not sensitive, we'd have a whole lot of dead miners, wouldn't we. You are NOT too sensitive. ALso, a musician moves up to more and more sensitive instruments. You are not deficient. Well, maybe in callousness, dullness, lack of imagination, etc., but those are GOOD deficiencies. Do you know how hard it is to type "deficiency" when you are drunk? But you are way worth it! XOFifi

from saudades :

I do have a locker, but sometimes it doesn't close properly. Also, I'm a bit paranoid...But this morning I used it. ;)

from manfromvenus :

I found this... http://spacefem.com/quizzes/boyfriend/ You might find it amusing? Or maybe not. Don't shoot the messenger!

from teranika :

you are likely to recognize quite a bit of the music from rigoletto (although the storyline is completely whacky...but then which opera storyline isn't?)

from mariastuart :

About the dating site: yes, it's a difficult situation, it seems so bad and creepy but there also are some "normal" people on it with a nice relationship or friendship as a result. And I just OPENED the mail!!! I'm excited because he said it was a very pleasant surprise to see me again and he wrote something about seeing a movie next week (they give movies next to the border of the river). Oh oh, here I go again with some more smiling for a while... :)

from saudades :

Martha is also a bit unbalanced on her addiction to work and perfection. But I think my perfect man would be a bit like her, if she were a man. Crazy, non? I know I am. I think I see now why you like Mario; he seems more balanced and enjoys life more? :)

from saudades :

Oh EB, I enjoy your notes so much! Let me see, discipline is necessary. I guess I do have some, I just can't see it. But you're right--slow and steady wins the race. I've never told you this, but I wanted to study economics at some point... I do find it interesting, but I've never been particularly gifted at the "thinking like an economist" bit, if you know what I mean. That's what all textbooks want you to do. In any case, I am required to take both micro and macro. I think I need a review, so I might take a survey of both first. - I do things slowly by nature, reading being no exception. I love to immerse myself in the writing and try to absorb it...I read intensely (or try to). But I always get carried away in different directions. No matter --I am learning to create a style all of my own. Thanks for your notes, again, I love hearing your thoughts. :)

from mariastuart :

Oh, he is German! Well, I didn't know Germans were cute :)

from boxx9000 :

Here's the link for the dress. It came with a jacket that I didn't like, but my daughter LOVED, so I kept the dress and I gave her the jacket. http://www4.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?DeptID=50434&CatID=51369&GrpTyp=SIZ&ItemID=14d0f28&attrtype=&attrvalue=&CmCatId=EXTERNAL|50444|51369

from boxx9000 :

When I was younger I was quite pretty. Both my husbands cheated on me and I was DEVASTATED. I learned that it really had absolutely nothing to do with me and the problem was with THEM. I remember feeling so sad every time I would see a HAPPY couple. I'd think, they aren't pretty but they look so happy. I WANT TO BE HAPPY, WHY can't I find LOVE? Then kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ I figured out I always had it within me, I just needed to access it. You'll find your happily ever after. It all works out somehow in the end, it always does.

from fifidellabon :

I knew that! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

No, not a forest, but every now and then, there is a stray eyebrow hair that I can feel, but not see. Drives me bazoo to know that it is there. Eh. A quirk...XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, whatever would I do without you?! You may not think it, but you are a very steadying influence for me right now. It is such a relief to know that I am not the only person that that occasionally does the old fa-REEK out. I am looking for the divine in everything and hoping for the best in all that I do. Also, I am forcing myself to get some sleep. Now if only my taste for alcohol and chocolate comes back! XOFifi

from hungryghost :

I feel your joy! Our director is on vacation all month, and it's like a sunbeam has occupied her place instead. Hey, what brand is your biking skirt? It's so perfect.

from fifidellabon :

WOMAN!!! Thank you so much for your note! I feel much less alone knowing that I am not the only one who thinks magically under stress. XOFifi

from manfromvenus :

Glad I was able to provide a certain 'spark' that initiated your shopping for some new stuff. Now the real question (for folks like me, anyway) is... what did you get? Jx

from saudades :

Oh, thank you EB. :D You are so sweet!

from saudades :

Reading, I feel sad that you are going through this rough patch. It is all too much when you are trapped in that job that doesn't please you or reward you fairly, and feel this anxiety and a bit of harsh self-criticism, too. It is hard to see oneself as one is, but I'll tell you this: you are such an adorable person. About the anxiety I'll say that I've been through it many times in horrific ways. It is wonderful, though, that you have healthy ways of coping (such as exercise or writing!) You are really special, and I hope things will get better for you. You DO deserve for them to get better. And I think your future will be bright.

from fifidellabon :

Yes, I know! I've been looking for signs of the Second Coming...perhaps she's just run out of self-pity. That, or people to sponge from. I always wondered---where DID then, the mony come from for ballet lessons if she was so poor. I can't help but to be a total cynic where she is concerned. Although I AM pleasantly surprised by the recent turn of events, and I am quite happy for her! XOFifi

from saudades :

That's such a lovely journal!! And it comes in a bag. That's nice! Thanks for showing me, EB. :)

from saudades :

I'd love to see what the outside of the journal looks like! It must be pretty. I like mine a lot, that's why it's been working. I'm so picky! :)

from boxx9000 :

Volunteer days? I am FOREVER trying to talk everyone I know into taking their volunteer days and coming and helping ME in the classroom.

from boxx9000 :

hehehe. It never as to REALLY happen, I just like planning for fantasy trips. I've been wanting to take an Conversational Italian class again. Have you ever read Evening Class by Maeve Binchy or Under The Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes? I REALLY should be learning Spanish instead, but I am in LOVE with the idea of going to Italy some day. Italy would definitely be near the TOP of my Bucket List. Spanish or Italian? They really are quite similar. Then there is Portuguese.......

from boxx9000 :

YES! I definitely like the idea of an apartment in Italy. I might have to start taking conversational Italian so I will be ready to come and visit you!

from boxx9000 :

re: money collages. The last time I just made the collage because I felt like that was what I was SUPPOSED to do (everyone said so for a visualization board) THIS time I was thinking more along the lines of prosperity and charity and retirement and just having ENOUGH to do the things I want to do. That seemed to make me a lot happier.

from mariastuart :

BTW: About Paris, Paris is very romantic, ideal to go to with your lover for a long weekend but not to live. People are rude! Gentry is the best example, I really believe her when she writes about unfriendly people there, they really are. And about online meeting, I've had the luck of meeting people who were the same in real life. I've even never met someone who acted different in real life. But I've always had contacts on a friendly base, never with the intention of a "romance" so then it's a different situation, men don't have "to prove" themselves... I even met the Dutch one here on Diaryland but with the Dutch it was different as I met him through his diary. And where do you tell the truth, yes in a DIARY :) But I was so ashamed of meeting him online and never told anyone. I think we once told his family we met in a railway station when I was in Amsterdam for one day. Hilarious!

from fifidellabon :

Ooooh! Is that a double-dog dare?! XOFifi Pee Ess Do you really want to be a man? Because then you'll have to figure out which side to dress on! ( I always wondered how they figured it out, but never got one single dude to tell me...) Rock on Sistah, and yes, you are still young. I figure that "young" stops somewhere in the 90's at the earliest...

from saudades :

Thanks EB, Carito is doing much better. I am relieved that that's so! For a moment there I got very panicky.

from mariastuart :

What a lovely poem :) It gave me goosebump.

from saudades :

Did I ever mention that C is the cutest? I want a guy like him!

from saudades :

Awww, EB and C. What a cute picture. :)

from gomerx :

This is in regards to Sunday's blog about your cousins and family. sorry, I don't know my url off hand and email. What I'm about to say may be totally backwards to you, but hear me out. You need to forgive your family. Not for them so as for you. Until you release them they will always own you in some way and you don't need that holding you back. You don't have to be there best friends, in fact, if they are negative, you don't need to be around them at all. But the cousins, I think you should give them a chance. It may turn out pretty wonderful on both ends, and maybe that may cause some reconciliation in the rest of the fam., but even if it doesn't don't let other people's ignorance and arrogance stop you from being the totally loving wonderful person you are. We are only here once and for a little while in light of eternity. You shouldn't let offense block you from letting your life be all that it can be. Trust me, I'm working on it myself these days. Well, I hope you have a lovely rest of the weekend. Take care. Can't wait to hear what happens next!

from boxx9000 :

re: shoes. My daughter used to work for Lady FootLocker. http://www.ladyfootlocker.com/ I have soOooOooo many pairs of good shoes from that time that I can wear, but I always wear the same pair, the Pumas. I DO need a NEW pair of shoes! My favorite pair for tennis are my Rod Laver adidas shoes that I special order because you can't find them in the stores. I've been buying that same brand for over 20 years. YES! you are right, it is time for me to update my shoes to the modern advancements. old dogs/new tricks. So difficult to make changes sometimes. I have a short wide foot. Today is a good day for she shopping! I'll let you know how I do.

from saudades :

Yes, Anna is right. I tried to go on a diet and wanted to eat the whole day ! :) I really felt like a cigarette last night too. ;) Oh my EB, thanks so much for the note. It IS difficult, and the fact that all my peers have left me light years behind makes me feel like some sort of freak, but oh well. I just have to have a better attitude. I do need to take better care of myself somehow. ;) Have a splendid day!

from mariastuart :

You know what? When you don't want to do something, as in thinking or smoking, the only thing you want to do it that thing because you think the whole day of it :) I want to smoke the whole day and I even never smoke during the whole day!! That crazy mind of us!! :)

from saudades :

EB, I love the pics! They are so cute.

from fifidellabon :

Heh, I noted myself instead of you. I like your new "about me" page. XOFifi Pee Ess I feel extremely fortunate to have found your diary!

from mariastuart :

And you are very right about the dating sites, they are the worst invention on this planet. The only thing I would use them for is to meet new people, not to really "date". I even don't trust those guys, some of them have "had" almost every girl on the site. Yuk! I don't want a second hand man, if you know what I mean :) Every person has his history but I don't like that kind of history, it describes the whole personality of that person...(I think, I know some people don't agree with this :)

from mariastuart :

LOVELY gold shoes and I also love Klimt, I used to have that poster in my room for years...

from saudades :

Good morning!! I see your name at the box in the right, and just want to say GOOD MORNING! And have a pretty day. :)

from boxx9000 :

I've never been to Mexico either, this will be my frst time. I've always been scared to go. sheesh. I'd like to go to Canada again and Hawaii, and then.......ITALY! Yes, Italy is my #1 choice. It's at the top of my list of things to do before I die.

from boxx9000 :

I was thinking *numbers* in the background almost like newspaper print or sheet music. I don't know what the numbers look like that you work with but that is what I was imagining in my mind. Do you work with some huge print outs of numbers?

from boxx9000 :

It's funny that you asked about WHERE to find blank boXxes. For some unexplained reason, I am always on the *lookout* for a good boXx. I can't pass one up. I have a *stash* of *good* boXxes, it drives my family crazy. I have them trained to also look for boXxes for me. Old cigar boXxes are really great. My green boXx is actually a wood boXx. It's sort of how I chose my diary name because I LOVE boXxes. One time I brought a refrigerator boXx into my kindergarten classroom to let the kids play with and they had the best time with it. I use all my collage boXxes in my classroom to store office supplies. I keep RED pens in my RED boXx. silly, I know. I keep YELLOW post it note pads in my YELLOW boXx.

from fifidellabon :

I'm all in fav for smelling fresh! XOFifi Pee Ess Now you and Ana have gotten me to want to make a collage as well...

from saudades :

:) Your collage pics are awesome! I can see how so many of the words you chose reflect things you write about! Positive day! P.S.--It's very special for me knowing you, too. :)

from raven72d :

hmmm... writing is always therapeutic for me.

from raven72d :

Good collages!!

from teranika :

I gotta meet me some Incans ;-). I will no longer look at avocados the same way.

from saudades :

You're not alone, EB! That bit about marriage being on a list of goals IS kind of odd. To each his own, I guess. But I understand how going through this in the morning left you feeling a bit pensive or melancholy. Yeah, I think I'd feel that way too.

from annanotbob :

Ooh, I wish I could just pop round! To be honest, I think most men are twats and the older they are, the worse they are likely to be. Thanks for all your lovely comments. I like the way you write too and I think it helps me free myself to just go for it. Hugs xx

from teranika :

So you recognized my very careful choice of "comic acrobat" :-) !! She was a very cute clown. She stood out from the others because her face was so expressively happy. (and of course she had a cirque du soleil body!). Best of all was the scene where she was dressed as a little kid jumping up and down with wild joyful abandon on a bed (trampoline). It was YOU!!

from manfromvenus :

Applying for jobs is just about my least favourite thing to do. It's never good, even though it's the one time you're allowed to sing your own praises! (Not terribly easy for an Englishman, that.) Anyway, nice to have met you - and enjoy that red dress! MFVx

from saudades :

"Memories of Nicaragua," that is beautiful. It made me think of so many things. And I am also going to spend the weekend cleaning and organizing.:) It's quite therapeutic also. EB, -you always brighten up my day. Thank you. EB, have fun on your date! I think you shouldn't feel guilty about spending on yourself. As long as it makes you happy and does you no harm, it's money WELL spent. I was reading the other day in your entry about that woman who inspired you (the MBA one); one time when I was 16 I remember reading a National Geographic article about a woman who decided to wander the desert as a sort of sport. I think it was in Australia. And it just seemed so inspiring to me that I wrote something in my diary about "infinite possibilities," and though I may seem at times - jaded exteriorly, deep inside I know that life indeed is just that. Possibilities galore. So you my friend, are like that girl from the article, you are always forging a new future, and I know you can achieve the things you dream of. You always brighten up my day!!! :)

from hungryghost :

I appreciate your thoughts. After reading your entry, going on a run seems like the appropriate thing to do right now.

from fruitbat20 :

why, you're welcome! also i just realized that my vita-juice got stolen from the fridge, and my muenster cheese as well. thank god the vodka is safe. except it isn't a fairie stealing it; it's my demented grandmother not knowing whose it is and eating it, and in the case of the juice, thinking my mom is trying to force her to drink it and pouring it out. woo! free-rent-free-rent-free-rent

from annanotbob :

I get word a day too - I love it, especially the quotes. Glad the breathing thing helped - I think it's just brilliant - so simple and you can do it anywhere. Kiss kiss

from fifidellabon :

Well, the town has the same name as an...erm..."adult toy" I believe that they are called...begins with a "D"...AAAUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!! It's DILDO!!!! There is a town called "DIILLLDOOO"!!!!! WHUAAAUGH!!! XOFifi Pee Ess Don't you know, I'll do my best to get there just for the picture!

from blighty :

That entry made me smile, although I'm sorry the fairies stole your fish. They stole my potatoes, too, so maybe they are making a yummy stew...

from fruitbat20 :

you are a joy to read. you make me all smiley. i am sorry your fish got stolen.

from fifidellabon :

YAY! Oh, Pee Ess Ned has booked all of our ferries. And I saw That Town on the map! I can hardly wait for our holiday! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Aren't the puzzles addicting? That dog could be Spot, except for the fact that it has more white spots. XOFifi Pee Ess I simply MUST see the pirate dress!

from boxx9000 :

I will definitely look into this interval training thing. sounds good to me.

from boxx9000 :

http://www.haloscan.com/ is the link for the comments thing. I used to have it, but I can't remember how I did it. I'll have to ask my daughter to help me.

from teranika :

loved the photos, too. we share the same back-to-work late-night-before early-morning-of anxiety thing. Well, you can only be yourself with this boss of yours. And from all descriptions of the past year I would certainly understand your taking a new dep't very seriously...

from boxx9000 :

I love all your pictures. I see you have the last 5 updates listed. thanks. Now I need to do the same. How about comments for each page? I can't figure out how to do it on my own diary. A lot of people have HaloScan. Thanks for your sweet notes. Question: You seem to be happier in the country, could you do your job from a country (rather than the city) setting? I also prefer to live in a rural setting, but within driving distance of a city. (Sonoma County/San Francisco)

from annanotbob :

My knitting is more like Mme Defarge in A Tale of Two Cities... xxx

from annanotbob :

This is good for instant de-stressing: breathe in slowly on a count of one, then out slowly, thinking 'and relax', in - two, out - and relax etc xxxx

from fifidellabon :

What a wonderful weekend you had! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Nice pictures! That area looks a lot like the Adirondacks, which I suppose makes a lot of sense. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

WHY do I have to be an IMAGINARY husband? Can't I simply be a long-distance one that you've never actually seen in the flesh? The imaginary credit card? That part's ok... AND, I would never say your ASS looks great. It would HAVE to be something much more sophisticated, something like "Oh my, Bluey, your glutimas maximus certainly looks stylish today..." ;)

from fifidellabon :

What Swimmmy said. Don't get rid of the bike. It is a gift that you deserve. Don't let anything take it away. XOFifi

from life-my-way :

Stumbled upon your diary and am adding you to my favorites. We have the purging (and the associated guilt) in common as well as a few buddies. Great diary! Katherine

from swimmmer72 :

I've been "purging" a couple times a year. This came with the realization that I can't "take it with me" and a lot of my "stuff" is just things I've been lugging along for years now, to no useful end. Little by little, I'm weaning myself of the things I don't really need, which has also affected my purchasing. You wear clothes well - it would be a shame for you to NOT have things to dress up in. Just keep it in perspective. Being a T-shirt and blue jeans guy, it's easy for me but my closet and dressers are still full. Take care driving - play nice with the other cars! Bluey, just relax and have a GREAT weekend! Lots of ice cream stops!! :)

from swimmmer72 :

re: spending. I think everyone goes through phases on that. Spend like a drunken sailor, look at credit card bills, go on austerity budget... Your thoughts on spending are a bit different than that, since no, you're not a drunken sailor, but it boils down to the same thing. Before you sell off everything, take a good look at it and decide whether you are really going to use it. Like the bike. You may not use it that much now, but next month or next year might be different and if you sell it, you may wish you didn't. There have been years my kayak has barely done more than collect dust in my dining room as I was off on another tangent, but I'm glad I never got rid of it. Scaling back is good, more money for later years possibly, but life is for living and allowing yourself some nice things isn't a bad thing. Have a nice, safe trip!! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Just spend that time in the country as a counterpoint to everything you don't like about being in the Big "O". Call it some quality non-Ottawa time, whether it's because of the bugs (you lucky non-bug food person!) or the lake swims or tanning or the starlit sky, either way, maybe just something different or you driving to get there. Have a great weekend!! :)

from swimmmer72 :

You're absolutely right on both counts! Yes, I'm also skeptical of any woman that affectionate to a complete stranger. More than a little overdone, not that I complained. Also, just. having. fun. Looking at things for nothing more than what they really are. That's why I love summer so much - it's simply a lot more social! Hope your Friday went well! ;)

from fifidellabon :

HAve fun. Slain Abhaille! XOFifi Pee Ess ooops, i'm drunk!

from saudades :

Have a wonderful trip in the countryside! :) I love summer outings. But I get bit by all sorts of insects no matter what I do.

from swimmmer72 :

I'm pretty pumped, too! It's not a huge thing, but it is a special thing that I've been a part of on the peripheries for several years and now I get to do the whole thing. I want to be prepared, since it's a public display of my abilities and it would be a REALLY bad time to crap out. I also want to have fun and share in the experience as an honest-to-goodness Chalkwalker, and by that I mean wandering and chatting and soaking in the atmosphere. Sort of like you going to Italy - here you are for the second time this year!!! Kind of like a dream come true, isn't it? I'm happy for you as well and excited for both of us!! ;) BTW, I had a "blonde encounter" at the last beach concert I think you'll be amused by. I'll write about it either tonight or tomorrow. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Dream away, Bluey! Go back to that special place! I post so many Utah pictures for the same reason; well, I suppose all my pictures serve that purpose. Except the blondes, of course... ;) Have a great weekend on your road trip!! :)

from raven72d :

03 July 08... Love the portrait photo...and the architecture.

from fifidellabon :

Pee Ess, I am fuming about the SA, not you. You are decent and kind and would be a perfect mentor. HE, on the other hand is a venereal disease. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, is there any way to tell your boss what the Senior Asshole is doing? This just isn't right!!! Also, Never Again share any thoughts with the SE. Go over his head. If your boss asks you why, tell him. MERDE alors, I HATE when I don't stand up for myself, but I understand how hard it might be to actually do. I am fuming about this. Putain de merde!!! Gerrrrr! Much love to you! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

And yes, this may be a crude way of expressing it, but the senior economist is a real asshole!

from swimmmer72 :

I feel guilt about certain things, but not at all in the way you do. I work hard and am not prone to indulgences. So, when I find something I really like, I get it and feel that I've worked hard to get it AND (in some cases) will have to work equally hard to pay for it. The Olympus, for example, I figured out it was going to cost me 10 OT shifts to pay for it. It didn't really work out that way, but still, the connection was there between purchase and payment. Why are we on Earth if not to treat ourselves every once in a while? ;)

from hungryghost :

Beat those sucker blues down! And congrats on your new purchase. I wear the same thing all the time in the summer, I feel you.

from annanotbob :

Big hugs Bluey xxx

from teranika :

I don't know if it helps to hear that we all feel down from time to time, and it is really not required that we are 100% up ALL the time. I used to go into hibernation when this hit me, and I thought that no one really understood this...until I realized that about half of my friends did the exact same thing! A few guilty pleasures make life a little better. If you really feel guilty about buying the dress, look through your place and give something up.

from boxx9000 :

I always feel GUILTY about just about EVERYTHING, but I'm really working on it. I have NO problem spending my money on EVERYONE except for myself. What does that say about me? Shouldn't I feel worthy? I'm the one going to work and EARNING the money, I should be able to enjoy it. GUILT FREE. Yesterday I bought myself a new dress and I had to actually talk myself into getting it. Shouldn't I have told myself, "WOW! You look fabo since you've lost weight, it fits you perfect, you look good in it, you deserve something pretty for your hard work" We both need to practice saying and thinking good things to ourselves. We deserve to be happy. ((((hugs)))) Pictures please of the pirate dress!!!

from fifidellabon :

Last night before dinner Ned asked me "Do you know what day this is?" and I said "Why, Canada Day, of course!" and that took the wind from his sails, did it not? He was good-natured about it. Well, Bluey, it sounds as if you are about to have some adventures! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Practice dating is a good idea. I've found that I usually learn as much about myself as I do about the other person, just from the interaction. ;) BTW, the "last five entries" thing that BoXx refered to can be found in the "miscellaneous stuff" section of the D-land menu.

from boxx9000 :

I LOVE that you update often! Swimmy has the last 5 posts listed at the bottom of his page.

from annanotbob :

You update as often as you like honey - it's your diary. Writing stuff down can really help to organise thoughts xxx

from boxx9000 :

hey Bluey, is there some sort of link you could put on your page that lets your readers know what the last 5 updates were? I used to have something like that on one of my older diaries and I know I've seen it on other diaries. You update often (which I really like) but I always think I've missed a previous update. Peace, Love, and Happiness, ~BoXx

from swimmmer72 :

I may like festivals, but I intensely dislike stupid partying and have been known to get the heck "out of Dodge" in order to avoid specifically obnoxious events. Yes, this coming from "Mr Obnoxious." I like Canada, and can't think of a country I'd rather live next to except maybe some unknown South Pacific island near the Equator and away from earthquake zones. But... that's ignoring certain realities, isn't it? ;) Yeah, Happy Birthday, Canada! Being "Not-America" isn't entirely a bad thing to aspire to! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I was also impatient and also stuck in various degrees of quicksand - sometimes still am - and one day I amazed myself by realizing that the urgency with which I approached some of my issues were also causing them to have an inflated importance. I still have to remind myself of that from time to time. It has gotten easier to deal with. :)

from swimmmer72 :

Works for me!!! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Truth is, as much as I love to run, every time I lined up on the starting line, I'd ask myself, "Why the F&&k am I doing this?" I've hated competition for a while now. I stopped competing in swimming six years ago and only run usually 2 or 3 races a year, but with the understanding that it doesn't really matter where I finish. This year, I only rarely time my runs; I just do my four miles and then hit the beach. Much less stress and a reward at the end! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Part of the reason I am where I am, career-wise, is that when I got bored, I bailed, no matter what the financial sacrifice. I think I can stay where I am now ONLY because I've managed to filled out my outside (real REAL) life with things I enjoy and am excited by. You know, like taking pictures of blondes... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

When I read your entries, I find myself relating to so much that you write. Not the red dress entries so much or any of the clothes stuff (I say this at the risk of losing my "honorary woman status") :), but most of the rest. I used to look for immediate change. Now, I see things as more of a gradual transformation, and I don't mind letting some things go as long as it isn't a reflection on core values. Passions come and passions go, and I'm not where I was and have no idea where I'll be. Probably not in red shoes, even with flowers on the inside, and yes, I'm teasing, and no, I'm not comparing my life's journey with yours, but I do see some similarities. Let me just say this - you are a good person with excellent visions of where you want to be, and while you'd like to be there sooner rather than later, you will get there eventually. What you wish for today may not be what you want tomorrow, and there is nothing wrong with that. Relax and enjoy the ride! ;)

from boxx9000 :

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA! (hehe) When I work on my collage journals it is done 100% on instinct and intuition. I just place the pictures and text without trying to control things. It is the weirdest out of body experience. I get messages to my conscious self from my unconscious self. Try it, it's fun.

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, I care, and I can partly imagine how you feel. Oddly, I am going through a sad spell myself. No justifiable reason, however, in my case. Let's just hang in and see what comes to pass. LOTS of love to you!/XOFifi

from annanotbob :

xxx my dinner was a tube of pringles the other night. It's not good - get some veg down you xxx

from boxx9000 :

I'm in the mood for making collages again. It's about time for me to make a new collage journal for the Summer of OH-EIGHT.

from boxx9000 :

Happy, happy, joy, joy! Hold those happy thoughts. Hey, what holiday is tomorrow, on July 2nd? It must be a Canadian holiday because there isn't one here in the states. I get Wednesday & Thursday off work for the 4th. (Independence Day) I

from swimmmer72 :

Happiness is contagious, isn't it? ;)

from saudades :

EB, thank you for the notes and the fashion blog links! You're awesome. :) Let me see, in 1987 I was only four, but I'm sure some Mecano songs were all the rage. They were a New Wave band from Spain, but then they changed to early-90s pop. :)

from teranika :

wait wait wait. I just went here: http://eightiesclub.tripod.com/id215.htm I can't believe that 1985 was "We are the World." how lame THAT was. I stood on a line with my ten-yr-old cousin in Baltimore and mumbled the words to that song as part as some goofy chain across the USA to get money for people dying somewhere. So I don't really have a 1985 song. How Sad is that? I loved Huey Lewis but I kinda thought The power of Love was lame. and I was just learning about Dire Straits so the best part of Money for Nothing was Sting's cameo singing 'I want my. I want my. I want my MTV."

from teranika :

OMG, I love the cute boys. I can't remember music from 1985, is that scary? I think it's because my car radio was broken. But other than that? Maybe The Cars (which I, not surprisingly, blasted from my car..or rather my mother's car...with the sun roof open.) Oh Oh Oh you might think I'm CRAZY. (p.s. loved your note to blighty about being disappointed to discover that you weren't American when you were six.)

from boxx9000 :

Great pics! Living in France would make sense because you can already speak the language and there are LOTS of great art works to see. Maybe you could take an art course in Paris? (I really like Paul Cezanne)

from saudades :

Oh, what a lovely, lovely entry about your grandmothers and the grandmother dreams. My paternal grandmother died when I was 7, and she lived in another city. So I never really spent much time with her. And I lived in the house of my maternal grandparents until I was 11. You have such vivid and interesting memories and reflections about your grandmothers. It's wonderful, you remember so many things! - And the other entry, I know what you mean. The priests at the last church I attended regularly had it in for me. That's why I stopped going to church.

from swimmmer72 :

Great pics! They say so much about you by supplementing your words, all in a good way! Have a happy Sunday! :)

from boxx9000 :

Bluey...no problemo. I actually amaze myself that I did not end up like the rest of my family. I have NO idea why either, only grateful I did.

from boxx9000 :

My maternal grandmother was born in Italy, she had a 3rd grade education, worked as a maid and later in life was the school's lunch lady. My paternal grandmother was Hawaiian, never went to school, married at 14 and had 9 kids by the time she was 25. I am one of 6 kids and the ONLY one to have ever graduated High School. My family is a bit of an embarrassment but that's what I came from.

from fifidellabon :

OH! Bluey, I do that as well! I call it "carrying someone else's sorrow" and I know that it will pass in time. I like to think that it makes me a better person, but I think that we all know how THAT actually is! But Blues, there is nothing wrong with thinking. It can never be too much. Well, perhaps too much for a given moment, but so many of us never seem to think a thing beyond the basics. I think that it is so refreshing to hear your thoughts. Getting a new and different perspective can only be a good thing, don't you think? You really are a wonder and a marvel. Never stop being you! XOFifi Pee Ess Red shoes! Do the angels want to wear them?

from fifidellabon :

Ojh, my grand-mere was just like that. She didn't want a wedding, but her eldest sister got one together and her father walked her in from the side, so she got a wedding that wasn't too much attention for her. You'd never have guessed that she was that shy! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

You have the compassionate soul of an artist surrounding the mind of an economist. Which means you have an almost constant right brain/left brain power struggle. No wonder you think so much! ;)

from raven72d :

There's nothing more wonderful than books--- than spending days in used bookstores or huge old libraries, just exploring.

from fifidellabon :

Bluey! What I was meant to say was that all women ought to find other women inspiring. (Envy is so boring...) I know that I inspire lots of women at Workplace to have more fun with dressing. I know that my body isn't thee most bodacious (it is like the Britney Spears pre-too-much-party and if I ever put on any weight it goes straight to the gut) but it is mine and I aim to have the most fun possible with it. What good would it do me to be envious of a long, lean type? But aren't they gorgeous to see?! XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

I'm certainly not thinking about my fertility any more these days, but there's nothing wrong with appreciating a little BEAUTY in this world. A fit body is a thing of beauty. Hello Kitty, huh? (giggle)

from swimmmer72 :

I have similiar thoughts about running. I love to run, but never joined clubs, prefering to keep it simple and run when and how I feel like on that given moment. I'd never want to give up running completely, but I've very content to keep my races down to a chosen few with finishing time being mostly meaningless. I ran a lot last year with the marathon, but this year, that's given way to hiking, biking, and kayaking, and even that is more for raw enjoyment than for exercise. The pictures are beautiful although I can't imagine running on sand like that. I've struggled doing that here. Hope your weekend is going well! ;)

from boxx9000 :

WOW! I like those pictures, yes indeed. hehehe.

from teranika :

I saw the first picture without reading and thought - WOW, what kind of cool Australian bird made those beach footprints?

from saudades :

Yeah, I agree with Fifi! Mad props for being confident, and speaking your mind, and feeling good. And that promotion soon, too! : D Too bad about the red dress, but I understand what you mean. One must dress for finesse. Thanks for the coffee advice, I think I will have to just cut back for now because going cold turkey would be too much. Have a wonderful weekend!! <3

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, what wonderful entry! I am so proud of you! And BAH to the idiot dude! He was probably irked that you don't fall over him. And I think that what you felt from them might not have been judgement, but rahther, a wistful envy. I used to admire those who Had Their Stuff Together. Oh, and plus, I actually do admire women who look good and dress well. Inspriation, that's what! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

I agree with boxx! A picture of you in that red dress would have been great, for you as well as for us. Also, yes, that "singing guy" has been on recently. No, not recycling; that was from a RibFest concert, and the most recent pic was from last Wednesday's Beach One concert. Sam's a busy little beaver, too. Now, unless I'm not nearly as good with my geography as I think I am, Ontario is a province which contains the city and capital of Ottawa, and if I could see the shoreline on the other side of Lake Erie, it would be Ontario, so if I was importing "blank" from across Lake Erie in my kayak, well, you know where I'm going with that. Ok, lets get back to a picture of you in that red dress.... ;)

from boxx9000 :

You should have taken a picture of yourself in that RED dress before you returned it. I got TWO postcards in the mail today from YOU. thank you, thank you, thank you. How fun. It really made my day to open my little mail boXx and see POST CARDS! WheeeEE!

from swimmmer72 :

Yes, Blue, I knew that, just as I was joking in return! :)

from swimmmer72 :

"That would just be wrong, i.e. denying my booty." Ok, I may be "just like one of the girls..." but I can't read that without laughing my own booty off. No, Blue, please don't deny your booty!! ;)

from fifidellabon :

Oh Bluey. I only wish that there WAS anything consistant with me. Right now I am having a horrid but whopperjawed morning. Sometimes I feel as if I needed a little machine to follow me everywhere and give me positive feedback. I am trying to jolly myself out of this wretched mood. Well...it IS before breakfast (brekkies!) Low blood sugar can play hell with a person, don't you think? XOFifi

from annanotbob :

xxx

from swimmmer72 :

My advice would be to take your time, develop a plan with a specific idea, then do it from a position of strength (like already having money in the bank!). There are a lot of things out there with a socially or artistically redeeming purpose - unfortunately, most don't pay well, but with your talents, it's very possible you bring enough to the table to do something really inspiring and get a decent salary along with it! Sky's the limit, Bluey! ;) Pee Ess: This note initially showed up in my own note box. Back to my old tricks... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

When someone strives for excellence, it tends to manifest itself in all aspects of their life. You are that type of person, and I know whatever you find yourself getting involved in, it will be with all your heart and all your energy. :)

from fifidellabon :

"Beer Girl" hmmm? Do you mean that they wanted to all buy you many beers? Well, this week has been rahther stenuous for lots of us, so at least we are all in good company. Also, I many the time have presented an impeccable report---on the completely wrong thing! I have given up feeling like an idiot, it is far too much work, and we all know how lazy I am. Here is hoping that the weekend eases up. Also as to being bad, well, anything will do, as long as it is suitably bad and you like it! XOFifi Pee Ess I have filled my head with far too much new music the past two days and I feel completely incapable of intelligent communication.

from blighty :

Ah, I hate early morning runs. My early morning is 10:30 on Sunday...you have reminded me that I used to think everything was not only American but from St. Louis. All rock bands, for instance. Well, they sang in English and I never knew what they looked like...was MIGHTILY disappointed to find out that the Bay City Rollers were not, in fact, from Missouri. Won't even talk about the Rolling Stones. Kind of ironic that I can now recognize where in the UK people are from by accent...

from swimmmer72 :

I used to do more early runs, just because that is when the races are and I figured I'd have to TRAIN myself to be awake when I ran. Now, not so much, as dragging myself out of bed an hour early just so I can get a run in makes no sense unless it is to avoid the heat, and I'd almost always rather run in the heat. My schedule gives me more flexibility as I usually still have lots of time to get a run in before work, which works better than afterward. Have a good run! ;)

from saudades :

Oh, it's so good to know that you're feeling better! I hope you figure out what causes the stomach pain. I am glad you can eat pizza! : D And thank you for your note, you're lovely. <3 It means a lot to me to have your friendship. Even if it is through internet only. :*)

from swimmmer72 :

For what it's worth, previous job=good money, high stress; current job=mediocre money, little stress. Sure, I was high up in management, but it was a toxic environment and the stress was slowly killing me. I made necessary adjustments to spending habits and am getting by just fine. Not as much money to blow on unnecessary stuff, but I have everything I really need and a lot more peace of mind to go about living my life the way I want to. Also, I'm glad to hear that food allergies may NOT be the cause of problems. That's very good news! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

re: two pizzas. HG and I had gotten (and not finished) a pizza on Friday, and then I had the opportunity (read: hunger for more pizza) the next day and even with pizza still in the fridge, I went for it. HG doesn't eat leftovers, and I'm ALL ABOUT leftovers, as every time I cook, I have them. I am finishing one of them (pizzas) now. Also, I am HONORED to be considered "one of the girls"! No problem with that at all!! ;)

from teranika :

OMG! You are ACTUALLY JASON BOURNE!!! cool. Hey, we are flying to Ottawa on 24 July and staying in Upstate NY (about 90 min from you) until August 10th. I'm going to talk to my mother about the possibility of our going to Ottawa on the 9th of August and staying overnight at a hotel downtown - then perhaps we could meet up for a coffee? Alternatively, we will be close by in the Thousand Islands area for those two weeks and 4 days - maybe we could arrange to meet somewhere outside of Ottawa during that time. You've mentioned a trip to the countryside...what about K1ngston or Brockv1lle? Just some ideas.

from annanotbob :

Oh God yeah to all that xxx

from blighty :

Oh B, I'm sorry to not have sent a message before. I have been reading your entries but didn't feel like I had anything new to add from the other messages...just that I'm glad you're better...and try to remember that lots of those married folks who just can't imagine why anyone would be over 25 and single, deep down, are wondering what they could have done with those extra years. Like gone on a cycling holiday to Italy...xxx

from annanotbob :

Good link - thanks xx

from swimmmer72 :

I hope you're feeling better! Summer colds are the worst!!

from swimmmer72 :

It isn't JUST ribs! OR young BLONDES!! Pizza is just one of my many weaknesses, and I currently have parts of two separate pizzas in the fridge. Yes, along with some ribs my ma brought over yesterday, and some stuff HG brought home. Yes, I understand "needing" something decadent, and that's where my sweet tooth comes into play. I sympathize with your food allergies - I know I would go absolutely bonkers if I couldn't have wheat, for example. ;)

from fifidellabon :

No, I'll wager anything that your promotion was on merit. They probably know that you were supposed to get it...oh, and thank you! For not saying "stupid"! You so totally rock. And yes, I have eaten like that. Ice lollies. I just can't seem to stop. XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

congrats on the promotion and sorry about the headache. I used to get migraines so bad when I was younger that I wished I would just die. Fortunately, they have almost completely disappeared as I've gotten older. My migraines were definitely a combination of diet, stress, and hormones.

from swimmmer72 :

And congratulations on the promotion! You definitely deserve it! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Actually, Blue, historically, I've been partial to brunettes. I just take a lot of pictures of blondes... ;)

from fifidellabon :

Everybody deserves a smashing red dress! XOFifi Pe Ess feel better. Pee Pee Ess Ess A promotion! Yay! Good work!

from teranika :

I hope you start to feel somewhat better. There's nothing like a health issue to make you depressed, so I really hope that you can get some tests done. BTW, I read through the lame-o comments on that article you mentioned. Some were so awful that I could only laugh. I found myself immediately identifying with the singletons even though I've been married for two years. Then I realized that some of the singletons were just as awful as the holier-than-thou married ones (and actually, I'd be put in the latter group!!). It's as if talk show audiences have discovered the internet and have taken it up as the "new black" forum for dissing each other! (oh, and I almost immediately recognized your post from your style - did you notice all of the positive responses you got to it???).

from swimmmer72 :

re: landscapes. As much as I go on about out west, especially Utah, I have to say that I am drawn to its unfamiliarity and strangeness rather than any sense of home. As much as I love it (Utah), I'm not sure I could ever live there as it's just too rocky and barren in its beauty and I'd find myself longing for the great forests of the North American northeast. It's where I've lived the bulk of my life, and while I get pumped up for out west, there is nothing quite like a visit to Ithaca, which is more like a walk in my extended back yard where I know every inch. Also, and I know this is a dumb question, is porridge and oatmeal the same thing? If so, yes, the perfect start to the day on a cold winter morning! ;)

from boxx9000 :

Hi Bluey! I'm back from my mini vacation and we had an absolutely WONDERFUL time, the Shakespeare Festival was beyond perfect. It took me about an hour to catch up on your diary, you've been a busy girl, writing down all your thoughts. OK, let's see.....My son and daughter in law have NOT owned a car for the past 5 years, they live in San Francisco. I would opt to NOT have a car, but it is too far for me to walk to work and we have NO public transportation. I'm very envious of your BI class, what course will you be taking? I have 3 separate art degrees and am only one class away from my MA, but I refuse to write my thesis (paging Dr. Freud) I don't LOVE my job, but I like it well enough on most days. I DID go to school for 5 years and I feel I need to at least repay my student loans. What's up with your mom issues? My Mom was narcissistic and that still effects me even tho I am almost a grandmother myself. I really like you Bluey, you just need to lighten up a bit and just ENJOY life as it comes to you. A book that really changed my life was the Power of Now by Eckardt Tolle. Have you read it? There's a fine line between genius and insanity, I walk that tightrope daily.

from teranika :

Those types of articles make my blood boil, too. Still. Blighty put this a good way for me when I was depressed about, oh, eight years ago: "Imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with one of your past boyfriends." silence. "You see? You haven't made mistakes. You've successfully dodged damaging bullets." Single-hood is not a defect. It just happens to some of us, perhaps BECAUSE we have opted to live outside a standard path. Yes, I wish that I'd had S earlier in life. But I'm glad that I was free to lead the solitary life that led up to meeting K, and ultimately to her.

from swimmmer72 :

I'm single and don't consider myself selfish OR defective. Picky? Perhaps, but with a divorce rate somewhere around 50%, I would consider two things - they say that as if it's a BAD thing, and perhaps if more married people were just a TAD more picky, their marriages would be longer and happier. And, yeah, according to your Minc&r principle, I may not be going in reverse, but I do seem to be staying in the same spot. Good thing I couldn't care less! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Blue, Blue, Blue.... What are we ever going to do with you?... I will never think of you as "least successful" as I'm sure neither will Fifi or Boxx or any of your other readers. AND that's not just because you've never met my cousin Cam.... THINK! The glass is NOT half empty!!!!! Take that advice from your horoscope and the other thing - it sounds right on. You do so much, and can only achieve more. I look at what you have done already this year and what you have on your plate for September and that does NOT equate to "least successful", so put that thought OUT of your mind! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I'd be happy to give you as much info as you could possibly want if you end up making that trip. It's basically the Ithaca/Watkins Glen area and in addition to Watkins Glen, there is Taughannock Falls, Treman, and Buttermilk Falls State Parks close by; all excellent. Both towns are interesting as well. There are already lots of pics from the area sprinkled throughout my diary, but I could send you more if you don't feel like hunting them down. Don't forget the wineries!! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

So.... Are you saying we can never have a discussion about your uterus? And I thought we were doing so well after getting past the gout thing... ;)

from mariastuart :

I was sitting in the train today and had to think about you. I saw some flowers next to the road that looked like ginestra! It's impossible it was ginestra but I thought "aha, I'm having my little piece (imagination) of Italy right now"!

from fifidellabon :

Oh, yes, I did read about the fake. That was kind of a boneheaded antic to do, don't you think? Well, my first guests are 20 min away, so let the fun begin! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Wait, are you thinking of THOSE feet? Six of them? XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Watkins Glen State Park, Watkins Glen, New York. Highly recommended area for a ROAD TRIP if you ever are so inclined to do so, just cross over into the states near Watertown, head south on Rt 81, hang a right at Cortland and about 20 miles later, you're in the Finger Lakes. Great wineries! I think you'd love it! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Thank you for the notes! Sometimes, I bite my tongue as I'm not sure whether I should be putting my two cents into the mix. Other times, I feel compelled to comment, as you have so much going for you, but you let things get to you. I'm guessing your mom has a lot to do with that, which is something I can relate to. Understand how remarkable you are, especially that mind of yours as well as your sense of compassion. I hope things shape up in your life in a way that allows you to accept that. I like it when I can *feel* your smile coming from your notes, comments, and entries! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

AND, just to add that one of the most interesting things about you is that you are so well read. Not boring at all! :)

from swimmmer72 :

And, as far as melancholy goes, it is just part of the ebb and flow of life and we need both to appreciate the other. BUT, you're putting yourself down again. Don't let the job or the city or loneliness or anything else do that to you. You are a remarkably sensitive, intelligent, talented person who has a lot going for her. Embrace the positive and shoo that negativity away. You are destined for great things! :)

from swimmmer72 :

You have no car; I have two. Tell me which one makes more sense? Answer: neither, it doesn't matter. People do what is right for them and their circumstances. However, a ROAD TRIP does make a great deal of sense. I agree with Fifi; go have fun and drive to your heart's content. Sometimes you just have to do something because you want to! ;)

from fifidellabon :

DO take the road trip, it sounds just the thing. As for not owning a car, well it is not unusual in Europe to not have a car, or to have one that sits idle if one feels they can afford that. Also in NYC it is completely normal to not have a car. So...so! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Best not to write anything to her...you never know where she'll go with it...XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh DUDE, did you read the latest missive from Paris? I'll say no more...XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, no, it isn't even a D-lander. I don't think that I'd really want a D-lander to be a trainwreck, although our common fav-o-riffic is actually one, come to think of it. I knew that you'd know that it was Earl, but I've decided to try to not link his name with the event. Well, Bluey, keep on slogging through, and there will be sunshine. XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

I'd pass on the laser tag as well. We played a game at science camp where the kids had to run from point A to point B while the adults tried to hit the kids with bean bags. (?!) Some of the adults were REALLY into the game and seemed to take quite a pleasure in PELTING the kids with the bean bags. It didn't interest me at all and seemed rather *mean.* Today I ordered a non violent WAR card game. http://www.tudorguild.org/non-violent-war-card-game-c-71-p-1-pr-193.html That seems to be more my speed. Peace, Love, and Happiness. ~BoXx

from boxx9000 :

Oh, pretty, pretty pictures! JOY!

from fifidellabon :

I know! We'll wish for magical Horrid B.O. to show up every time that she wears it! Yes! I am sorry about the loss, though. I seem to lose packpacks...XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

OK, then. Quixotic Quests it is! I'm not going to try to talk you out of it, not me, the original gypsy wanderer. However, even I am taking 12 years to get my ducks all in a row, my planets in alignment, and my head screwed on nice and tight. Spend some time, make some money. You have the outline of what you want. Figure out the fine details then go for it! Make sure you do! And, BTW, C's right. Don't jiggle your noggin for a little while yet! ;)

from hungryghost :

Such a clever poem borne out of your loss!I hope whoever stole it gets a seven-day migraine.

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, you would adore my stairs! They go up a hill to a wretchedly horrid developement, houses, you know, and so I decided that the stairs ought to at least be useful to me if they are going to look a sight. You would be up them in a snap, whistling all the way! And grinning! XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

Do you remember me telling you about how handsome my new (and very young) teaching partner is and how I would introduce him to my daughter if she wasn't already in a relationship and going to have a baby by year's end? Well, my daughter came to school to bring me some art supplies from my other classroom and she met my teaching partner because we were doing the art project together. After he left the room she says to me, "Mom, he's batting for the other team" and I say, "What does that mean?" (thinking she was talking about BASEBALL!) So, she explained it all to me. DAMN. Why is it the most gorgeous guys are gay? sheesh. It's just not fair.

from fifidellabon :

What, you're selfish because you take the time to think about what you want and need? Selfish because you seek happiness? I'm just not seeing it. You are going through a period of unsettled-ness...things will fall out one way or another, it just may be bumpy in the meantime. Oh, and please don't apply the "stupid" label to yourself. True stupidity is quite rare! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

I don't think your earlier entry was misguided or anything, not at all. It's good to have dreams and to be everything you possibly can be. I don't think anyone, including yourself, is suggesting that you up and quit your job and run away to Italy following some quixotic quest for happiness. Nor should you stay miserable in a job, life, city, etc that you really don't like. I think you nailed it in the paragraph at the end. Get yourself prepared, and if learning Italian, yearly trips to Europe, art history, etc, turns out to be what you want, then go for it when the time is right. Nothing wrong with building up some cash flow while you're checking out your options. You're young; give yourself some time to cover all bases. AND, don't sell yourself short - you have everything you need to do whatever you want! Life is short and while there are things you responsibly need to do, you have a right to pursue that which you simply WANT to do, too! :)

from boxx9000 :

There's nothing wrong with saying (thinking) you're going to run away to Italy. I say it all the time. For me it is a bit of an *escape* option. I really would like to go to Italy and when I feel like running away I like to believe I *could* if I really wanted to. I might never make it there (although I do hope I do someday) but somehow it makes me feel better (even if it is only in my mind) My Italian teacher was a blonde haired, blue eyed, American girl who went to Italy to teach ENGLISH and fell in love, got married, had 2 kids, eventually divorced after 10 years and returned to the states. I would LOVE to live in another country and learn the language and the culture IN DEPTH. The thought of taking ART COURSES while there makes the idea even BETTER!

from hungryghost :

Just caught up with your weekend! You're absolutely right - if anyone can do this, you can. Oh, and I am a dunderhead in matters financial and economic, but a friend of mine is an analyst in Zurich and does her entire job in English. There has to be something like that you can do...

from fifidellabon :

GOOD job, Bluey! You go for it! And we'll be cheering!! And then we'll all take the SE and throw him into a lake! XOFifi

from mariastuart :

What an entry full of energy and plans :) Move to Europe so I can come visit you ;) I think those ideas of leaving your job for a long time and figure out the rest of the world is a very nice idea. The good thing about the Internet is that you can find so many information and get in touch with people who did this before or who live in another country. Ten years ago, the only thing we had were books. What a difference...

from swimmmer72 :

I think the biggest single reason for my happiness is that I've never really cared what people thought, what I was SUPPOSED to be doing, or if I was meeting someone ELSE'S expectations. It freed me to meet my own expectations and wander and search and question what they are. Yes, I have taken a different path than most, and yes, there are downsides, but no, I have no regrets. I think you might find that freedom very liberating, and at the very least, you will have a heck of a lot of fun exploring all the options your skills and talent and creative mind can develop for yourself. Yes, yes, yes, life is a journey! ;)

from boxx9000 :

WOW! You look great! I especially like those jeans. Oh, how I wish I had long and lean legs! (sigh)

from swimmmer72 :

Celebrate that health and that happiness!! By celebrating, acknowledging it, you keep it up front and foremost in your thoughts! Be happy!! Be free!! Have a great life, Blue, you deserve this!! ;)

from saudades :

What you do *is* useful, and who you are is invaluable. I read that entry last night about the nasty way the senior coworker was behaving, and ach, what a headache enduring his bad attitude must be. Let's hope he has a few redeeming qualities, even if the only ones who know about them don't work with you all!! Anyway, I hope you have a great weekend. :) And I'm glad your hand is better after the accident.

from annanotbob :

You need to start reading Ulysses on Monday, bloomsday! xx

from boxx9000 :

Are you going to Italy this summer? I'm so envious. It has always been a dream of mine to spend a summer in Italy. To experience the culture, visit the great works of art, enjoy the food and natural beauty of the countryside. I like to read books with that theme so I can pretend I am there. ENJOY! sounds like a little piece of HEAVEN to me.

from boxx9000 :

I'm going to have to go *google* what exactly it is an *economist* does because I keep thinking *accountant* and working with numbers and money and the government etc and it's not the same thing, is it? I'm sorry this guy is giving you such fits. It reminds me of my DEVIL CHILD student that made me crazy all year. There's some sort of lesson you have to learn and then you can be done with him.

from swimmmer72 :

Great pics! I especially like the sunset over the river/bridge. The pics of your books reminds me of what my apartment looked like BEFORE I gave away most of my book collection to Goodwill. Rant away! Better in your diary than at work. Like they say, never let them see you sweat! Or, in your case, never let him know that he is getting to you. Besides, it doesn't sound like he is worth it, but I understand how the annoyance factor works! I hope tomorrow is a better day! :)

from boxx9000 :

WOOT! That's a LOT of books I am so envious, I want to read them all! I love all your pics, especially the vineyards. There are LOTS of vineyards in the county where I live in N. CA. I live right next door to Kendall-Jackson winery.

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, actually Swimmy is right, you really ought to get everything checked out, the hand worries me as well. You really don't want to compromise your range of motion., Please tell me that you'll see a doctor. As for new diaries, I find that the best way to find "sympatico" ones is to read the notes of the diarists that you read, and see who looks interesting. Also I do adore stomping through the "welcome" page! Do take care. XOFifi

from hungryghost :

So glad you are ok! Your brain is important!

from swimmmer72 :

I'm guessing you won't, but you should really have your head checked out. Head injuries are nothing to ignore - sometimes it takes problems a while to mainfest, and if you have any vision problems or headaches, please go to a doctor! :p

from boxx9000 :

I must have missed a bunch of your updates??? Your childhood pics are adorable. I am sooOOoooo envious of your long legs (stubby me at 5' 3") What's the age difference between you and your brother? I have 4 brothers and 1 sister, but my mom couldn't handle 6 kids so my grandmother mostly raised me. How's your head from your bike spill? OUCHY!

from swimmmer72 :

Awwwwww.... Those pics are treasures!! I've picked up on how your relationship with your mom is not great and how she came to give these to you seems to be an extension of that, but however it happened, those pics are where they should be now. I'm glad you got a few with your father. I hope you're feeling alright today - that was a nasty spill on your bike! :/

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey! The cutest pictures! Where did all of those babies come from?! Might I ask, how many siblings do you have? It seems at least two. Well, that was quite a good gift from your Mum! She must have been so proud of you. And as she MUST continue to be, who wouldn't? be?! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, that's awful! Make sure that your pupils stay the same size as each other. Keep an eye on things and if anything seems "off", get it looked at! And somehow I have missed an entry, so back I go! XOFifi the Bossyboots

from saudades :

Aww, what cute pics of you as a child. :) And I'm glad you're okay. Good invention, helmets!

from swimmmer72 :

OMG! I'm glad you are alright! It sounds like you are very lucky you didn't hurt yourself even worse. I hope you're not so sore in the morning! :O

from hungryghost :

I so much know the feeling, when you want to go home and stay there and not force yourself to be social. But sometimes it works out and you're glad you made the effort. And, I try to recall my urges to hide at home on those days when I actually am itching to go out and do something (although that doesn't really work).

from swimmmer72 :

WOW!! Little Blues!! I can't wait! ;)

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, it is truly amazing! We are so totally in synch---I was crab-o-matic allll day! It took explaining to Biba how to get the most from a bad day to smack me out of it! Have fun at the party! Can't wait to see "little" you! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Nothing wrong with a good vent! You shouldn't keep it bottled up and if it comes at the SE's expense, well, he has it coming! You are right! WANKER!!! :)

from saudades :

Thanks EB, I'd love to have coffee with you! :) I wish you a good week, as well. I won't give up, I promise. :) ((HUGS))

from mariastuart :

And about Vancouver: aha, I understand now what you were saying! (see, again an example of the fact that I don't understand everything correct :)

from mariastuart :

I was going to mention that I didn't understand a thing about the "love" thing on that picture of Vancouver. I read the entry again and suddenly I saw that "love" thing. It's weird but sometimes I do not understand what people here at diaryland are saying...It's the language difference. Or maybe I'm just stupid!! :) :) No, I know I'm not, I've a master degree in law, wohoo :)

from fifidellabon :

Oh, look, my note before never showed up. Perhaps it got stuck in my head. Well, it is nice to know that I am not sweating alone. The heat shall break soon, though. I am glad that you made it home and I think that you have done so very much in the growing department. You seemed a bit regretful, but bah, you did all sorts of things, more in half of your life than most people do in all of theirs. At any rate, it seems as if you've done so much introspection and discovery. Amazing journey, what? But all worth it. Oh, dear, I don't sound very coherent. Perhaps I ought to have had a drink. My point is that you are splenderous, and I'll be that so many people are so proud of you and you just don't know it because they forget to tell you. XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

re: faith. I'm completely with you on this one, too. You need to have faith to make things work. Tie in other abstract concepts like karma, etc, but things are never cut and dried between humans, and never what they sometimes seem, and you have to BELIEVE in something. Even if it is your own ability to make things work OR that you are a good person to which good things will happen. Just because they should. Too many intangibles in this world to live without some sort of faith. :)

from swimmmer72 :

re: men/socks. That is a completely accurate analogy in this context. Buying socks consists of me deciding which is less painful: doing laundry or going to Walmart to buy socks. A purely pragmatic decision. IF (repeat: IF) I could approach marriage with this kind of analytic detachment, yes, I'd be married by now, but for better or for worse (again), marriage for me will be a heartfelt decision or not at all. I don't really care if I get married or not, but if/when I meet the woman I can't ever be away from, yep, I'm betting that will make all the difference. :)

from swimmmer72 :

Yeah, I know they are out there, those available older women; for better or for worse, most of the women I actually meet seem to be in their thirties. Not that that is BAD, of course. I would say it is pretty damn good as many of them I meet during common interests such as travel, athletics, hobbies, etc. Paula and Bev just happened to be work related, and as you know, that has its own set of issues. I've been lucky - it doesn't always work that way, but age doesn't seem to be a factor if the common interests are in place. You are also right about older people being active - I see it all the time on the trails in national parks, but usually as couples. Good for them. If I was a joiner, I'd join a singles hiking group. :)

from boxx9000 :

re: the BELIEVE thing. I am not religious. I am an atheist. When I say I BELIEVE I can do something then I make it happen. It can't be a fake or pretend *believe* it has to be the real thing. If I believe in something with my whole being then it does happen. I believed I could finish university. I believed I would survive my divorce and come out even better. I believed I would get a teaching job. Right now I believe I can get myself into shape. I believe everything always works out in the end. I mean I REALLY believe it to be true.

from swimmmer72 :

You're not sweet????? Coulda fooled me... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

re: finishing stuff. Blue, you are being too hard on yourself again. First, finishing stuff, especially stuff you DON'T want to do, is highly overrated; the spectre of an accomplishment driven society. Second, you haven't finshed it YET. You'll do it when and if you decide you want to. Third, you HAVE finished a bunch of stuff, so concentrate on that. The glass is NOT half empty, my friend. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Oh, as far as the hug, I'd have been happy to have been there for you. I've walked into rooms full of demons myself and know the feeling. Good to have you back on this side of the country! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Cute 40 somethings? I wish there were more! A couple factors come into play. First, I work in an industry dominated with younger workers, and have for quite some time now. It's just who I come in contact with. Second, in my non-work life, people are either married OR can't keep up with me. I'm guessing you have seen this to some extent, too. With the athletics, travels, concerts, etc, I tend to meet younger women. A woman as active as yourself gets more rare as you hit 40, don't you think? Family, job, etc, just gets in the way. BTW, Danielle is older than she probably looks, Bev is 48 and her picture is all over my diary, and Paula is also in her late forties. There MIGHT be a picture of her coming in time. ;)

from fifidellabon :

Well, I am very proud of you and I think that you are constantly achieving, every day! Constantly evolving as well. XOFifi Pee Ess Do you want any hot weather? We've tons to spare! I could just box some up...

from mariastuart :

Those two pictures just make me smile :) I know you don't like Vancouver but I LOVE it! You can't always have the same taste ;)

from teranika :

My dear, I'm sorry you are feeling small. Does it help to know that I ALWAYS get depressed at conferences, always feeling that I could do more, and that others have surpassed me? But eventually I come out of it, and you will, too. From the advisor's side of things, I see that your students do not really fail you. They are people who live their own lives, not yours. This means that they will not always do things the way you think they should (because they are not YOU). But failure is a personal thing. You fail yourself, NOT your adviser. From your adviser's perspective, you are choosing to live your life.

from swimmmer72 :

I feel bad, I wish I could zip out to Vancouver and give you a hug and tell you that you aren't small, that you are awesome and that these types of days happen, but that tomorrow is another day and everything will be alright. Yesterday was your past; today is the present and tomorrow is your future. You are right where you need to be, looking ahead. ;)

from boxx9000 :

The last part of your entry today reminded me of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz when she realizes she ALWAYS had the power. The power is within YOU. There's no need to look any further than yourself. TRUST. BELIEVE. Enjoy the moment. It really does all work out in the end. peace, Love, and Happiness. ~BoXx

from fifidellabon :

Take heart! You have risen above all that. I wonder, perhaps what you are doing is what I call "carrying someone else's sadness" and it will pass. I have to run before the heat kicks in but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and will carry you in my heart until you get home. XOFifi Pee Ess Here are some spare Eckses and Ohs in case you need them. XXXOOO

from boxx9000 :

Travel safely and ENJOY! Post cards?????? I always tell my two kids that I want them to be HAPPY. I am happy as long as they are happy.

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I could FEEL the weather in your entry! Oh, Bluey...your Mum...Well, take heart in the fact that you are not alone. I have rejected my parents' ways many years ago as they simply did not work for me. I don't think that my father has ever recovered from the insult, and my mother will most likely never give up kicking and screaming, but---their ways would make me NOT me. And I don't want that so whatever the price I pay, I pay. But you are absorifficly right-on-the-money, never, ever ask her for approval. In fact, lets take it a step further, never ask for ANYone's approval! Because you know if what you are doing/feeling etc. is right or wrng for you. Now, go on out there and have some fun. Yes, fun! (I am one of those idiots that always has fun at meetings!) XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Vancouver should be a nice change of pace, especially if you can keep some distance from the SE. Yes, I know a tool when I read about one, and you are being too kind. He needs a smack-down! :)

from saudades :

I hope you have a good trip! Again thanks for the lovely note. : D Hugs!

from fifidellabon :

Did you say "Heads up, Basil! " just before you smooshed him?! Unforch, I really do know what a "tool" is. Forch, tools are often absent. But seriously, an ESCORT?? Perhaps he meant the Ford car? XOFifi

from saudades :

That senior economist, such a jerk.

from saudades :

Thank you, EB, for your kind and caring words.

from swimmmer72 :

Two vacations a year are NEVER a bad thing! :)

from hungryghost :

Life is so sunny when there's a trip in the future.

from fifidellabon :

You do NOT update "too much"!! Silly...You update just the right amount. NOW I'm going to ned. I had to sign a contract and pay some musicians and something else but now? ned, and Ned! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I know that feeling! I'll bet you anything that it is what Ned's Mum calls "journey pride" which is when you get all freaked out a few days before you have to go somewhere. She just takes a Benadryl (an antihistamine) and is done with it. Oh! Of course, an infinity pool, how could I have forgetten?! I am SO glad that you've booked your trip. That might also be part of the uneasiness, because you are not used to having so much holiday. But you deserve it! XOFifi

from blistery :

i've been reading your diary, love your writing style and hearing about your adventures. anyway, just thought i'd say hi. enjoy your trip in the fall.

from raven72d :

I love the image of sitting in a window as the dark falls.

from boxx9000 :

Oh, it didn't work (sad face) That last note is a picture.

from boxx9000 :

re: YOUR calculator <a href="http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/06/01/funny-pictures-i-beelev-u-has/"><img class="mine_1107379" src="http://icanhascheezburger.wordpress.com/files/2008/05/funny-pictures-melvin-cat-wants-stapler.jpg" alt="cat" /></a><br />more <a href="http://icanhascheezburger.com">cat</a> pictures

from mariastuart :

Btw, if you go to Vancouver, I don't know if you know Stepho's Souvlakia? The best Greek food ever!!

from swimmmer72 :

Re: carp sex. Actually, it would be easier than you would think. They are spawning and make an incredible racket in the shallow areas of the lagoons. I've seen them all over the place but am hesitant to get to close since the damn things are SO BIG I'm afraid they could easily tip me, my kayak and my camera in one fell swoop. I saw one today (who seemed to be eyeballing me...) that had to be AT LEAST 3 or 4 foot long! BUT... turtles are back by demand. If carp sex is what you want, carp sex is what you will get! ;)

from boxx9000 :

the dailyOM? I never heard of it.

from swimmmer72 :

I think the article makes some great points, but there is nothing wrong with talking your dreams through before taking action. You write about your life and dreams, and through your writing, you fine tune your desires and eliminate those dreams that don't hold up to the light of a realistic morning. You make the decisions you have to make, when you have to make them. Hang onto that calculator!! :)

from fifidellabon :

I totally know that you are not lonely any more, and it's an awesome thing to see. Also about changing one's mind? Why not? I change mine all the time. Things still get done. Which reminds me--I planted eight cilantro plants tonight. Yay! Cilantro for everybody!!! Also I know that I don't have to respond to your every entry, I mean jinkies, I like to! But I don't ever want you to think for a minute that I don't care. Yikes! Time for sleep. XOFifi Pee Ess Does that senior dude have a thing for you? I think that he does...

from raven72d :

Long ago, Paul Krugman gave me a copy of a tongue-in-cheek paper he wrote called "The Economics of Interstellar Trade". If he remembers the paper at all, he might be embarrassed. But it was clever, and I think I still have a copy somewhere.

from annanotbob :

I met my children's father on holiday in South America, staying with friends. After the first visit I thought about him constantly for the next 18 months and when I went back we were together immediately, then he came back here (UK). We only lasted six years, but who knows what will happen? Who knows what's right and what's wrong? Best wishes xx

from hungryghost :

So. Beautiful. That, plus awesome food, equals happiness. No wonder you want to move!

from swimmmer72 :

IF you are looking for more storage space, consider Photobucket. It's free, and there seems to be no limit to the amount of pictures you can store there. I think I have about 800, all pretty good size. Easy to transfer them to your diary, too. Your pictures are beautiful! ;)

from fifidellabon :

Hallo, Bluey, I loved your entries. I am just tooooo tired to write anything, but I will eventually have a bunch of things to say. Like---you have good instincts. You are driving your own boat. Like mariastuart says Only you can know. Geeesh...I have to go collapse now, and I am not even drunk, more's the pity! XOFifi Oh, Pee Ess how was church? Good vibes, I hope!

from swimmmer72 :

You are exactly right, dear Blue. Life is not a destination; it's the journey to get there and hopefully, we will both have plenty of stops along the way! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

For what it's worth, I don't judge you for the decisions you make. They are your decisions, based on your thoughts and feelings, and I don't feel that I know you well enough to offer commentary on what is best for you. Even though I probably already have, but that's my mistake. To the extent that I am able to relate to some of the things you write about, it still doesn't qualify me to give you advice, just like I rarely, ooops, make that NEVER take unsolicited advice from anywhere. You are the only one that can make these decisions with any degree of knowing what is the right, smart thing to do, and the rest of us can simply offer encouragement for your endeavors. I think I know your fan base well enough to say that we are all pulling for you to be happy, just like you are to us, and beyond that, it's not for us to get judgmental. So, go ahead and live your life, tell us about it if you like, because, if anything, it is your stories that make us smile, laugh, encourage us and give us hope for ourselves. We're a collection of different people who come here to write and read, and you do that as well as anyone. And we're here to cheer you on. :)

from raven72d :

It's too hot here even for Imaginary Girlfriends.

from mariastuart :

Right! In the end the one who is taking a decision, IS the one who takes it. You can listen to advice but advice is just advice. Very good that you are following the little voice inside you :) You've earned another petal of your (growing) daffodil flower!

from mariastuart :

Great pictures! I'm a little behind in your entries so I need some time to read them all :) About your confession, I wanted to say something but I don't want to express myself wrong...But I just would like to say this: sometimes things are happening right under your nose (do they say it like that in English?) and you ignore them because of some reasons. Be sure you won't regret you ignored them, it can be to late...

from raven72d :

You have an Imaginary Tuscan Boyfriend... I tell people I have an Imaginary Ex-Wife (Valerie, Asian, tallish, young, a surgeon) and Imaginary Daughter (Alessandra, age 3) in Vancouver. It takes away from my being that suspicious thing, a bachelor.

from annanotbob :

Thanks for the add - are you Stephanie? I love love love your Italian picture - I use my favourite on from my trip as wallpaper, and just endlessly stare into it xxx

from raven72d :

I've been exploring your archives... Vur' lovely entries...

from saudades :

Those are beautiful pictures! <3 I like your new layout. :)

from raven72d :

drunk posting is good...

from raven72d :

Sazeracs...make many Sazeracs...

from raven72d :

I like your entries... and I will take your advice re: Fifi...

from selfbiased :

re. 30may08: that's why i prefer to travel with someone who has a federal arms permit, which allows them to go on a plane with a loaded pistol, provided they give notification to the airline.

from fifidellabon :

Me as well! Excited for you, that is. Your balls are deffo bigger than mine! Or is that "nuts"? I have GOT to get to ned! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

I only have a superstition against flying sober...XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

WOW! Beautiful AND big type. WheeeeE!

from swimmmer72 :

Beautiful pictures! Absolutely stunning countryside! Thanks for sharing! :)

from fifidellabon :

Oh Bluey! What a lovely entry! XOFifi

from raven72d :

Lovely photos... and delightful writing. I'm not religious at all, but I'm in love with traditional (or even archaic) Anglican services...

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, I simply adore your new format!!! I never told you that your font was so small because I thought that that was the way that you wanted it. I'd never want to complain about one's creativity. Oh! And that is how I read the sign as you wrote it at first. Yay! I am going to post soon. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, I never think of you as goody-two-shoes (doesn't that expression crack you up?!) More likely I think of you as Kindness Personified, and along with that, you are optimistic, and honest, and courageous...you know, all the good things! XOFifi

from raven72d :

I would like to be able to read you...

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, you never called me that thing, did you? You call me wonderful things like "magnificent" and "stalwart' and such. But I'd not mind if you called me that word because I would know how you meant it. It's when I get called it when someone is "sucking up"as they say because they want something from me...THAT'S what I meant to say. Perhaps I ought to clear that up. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I did sound rahther a grump, there, didn't I? But somehow the descriptor just sets my teeth on edge. Oh, did you read G's latest entry? I'm afraid that I really couldn't rein in my honesty. I'd really like to be completely happy for her, but I feel that this new one is frightening! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

I know! Stuff it with chocolate dipped strawberries! Just melt a bit of choccy in the micro-onde and then dip the berries and pop them into the freezer for the tiniest bit, just to set them, and voila! Oh, don't forget, put them on waxed paper, or cooking parchment. Save one for me! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

He had a COLLAGE?! Of JS??!!!! Oh, my, there are no words to ...really??!! How old was he? He was soooo lucky that you even ever spoke to him. Still. JS? It makes me giggle! XOFifi Pee Ess I mean not that I have anything against JS, the poor thing, but a collage...in an office...oh, blimey!

from swimmmer72 :

AND, I definitely appreciate not wasting time. Those hours that you know you'll never have back... I think that was why I stopped looking for another job - it seemed like a waste of time as my current job gives me everything that I really need. They still try to convince me to get back into management, and maybe one day I will, but only if it allows me to do the things I really enjoy. Without undue STRESS! :)

from swimmmer72 :

I agree. I think that most of the real beauty I've found has been in a very simple form, and very easy to appreciate if your head is in the right place. If Italy is it for you, then make that your goal and do what you have to do to make it happen. YOUR PLAN B! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I think by feeling everything, you have achieved everything one really needs to achieve. At least, that's always been my premise and if I'm wrong, well, am I "royally intercoursed!" :)

from swimmmer72 :

It DOES all make sense; both the questions and the answers. It's complicated, but once you see how everything is inter-related and semi-connected, you can start putting the pieces together the way you want them. And yes, Larry is an idiot! :)

from hungryghost :

My mother used to say the same exact thing to me. And, quite unfortunately, my husband has been known to say the same thing in the midst of arguments. We should start an "I'm too smart to worry about your practical everyday bullshit" Facebook group or somthing.

from fifidellabon :

OH, I'm so glad that you are feeling better! I was starting to worry. Nah, not really! Well, off to post. XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Blue, I'm glad you like the idea of financial impudence. For me, it was a demonstration of my disregard for the future, a set belief that LIVING FOR THE DAY was the way to go, and a disdain for certain realities, many of which are close to being upon me now. I have no regrets, even knowing that I could have been SMARTER with my money, and that's because I always did what I wanted to do, even knowing the BIGGER PICTURE, whatever that really is... It is what it is and impudence aside, I think I'll probably be alright despite myself. Job picture for you looks good, too. The idea of staying where you are with the premise that the other position will still be there down the road might be your best bet. It seems to be a good compromise and I hope it works for you. Either way, I think you are talented enough to make your own path when you are good and ready, AND, if you are a believer in fate, everything happens for a reason. You'll be fine, no matter what. :)

from fifidellabon :

Bluey!! Can you believe it??!! We both had horrid hair on the same day!!! There has GOT to be something to that! ALso, big secret, but I'll tell you anyway---I may make disgusting amounts of money---but I am somewhat underpaid as well! But that is becasue I have been known to make some horrible choices. Yet, I survived. I understand the fear of not having a Y-O-B, but the philosophy of "I'll work here until I don't work here anymore, then I'll work somewhere else" has served me quite well. The big secret is that workplaces tend to make one feel as if one is worthless, even when one is quite valueable. That way, you WON'T ask for more and then they can save money and therefore look goood. More later but I am actually going in to Workplace today! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, it will be all right, I can feel it. Also, I am just guessing, but I'll wager that you are an action person rahther than a waiting person, am I correct? Becasue that is how I am. A therapist's dream, but makes for some bumps in real life. I think that were I in your shoes, I'd just wait a tick to see what, if anything, happens. As Swimmy says, the impetus is on your boss to make you happy. I am wishing a daff-o-riffic day to you! XOFifi Pee Ess Being a boss can totally suck!

from swimmmer72 :

The other thing would be that I've never cared what I did for a living and when I got sick of one job, I moved to another, no matter how much I was giving up. Yes, and royalled intercoursed (FiFi, I really like that phrase!) my savings/earnings in the process. More than a couple times. Still, that was as bad as it got and here I am with savings and a Plan B in spite of it all. I never needed security from a job, probably since I so frequently didn't have it, but I could also be nominated for "poster-boy-for-the-financially-impudent", so don't use me as your mentor. I've always simply wanted to be happy and I've been prepared to give up financial security to keep it (happiness). I'm not sure how frequently you can have both, as in have your cake and eat it too... You'll need to decide your own priorities, but I know you'll be able to do that. :)

from saudades :

Oh, EB, do not worry! You don't have to apologize for your entries, that's part of what diaries are for, to let our thoughts sort themselves out and make us feel better. You are such a sweet person, EB. What a drag about the job and the salary; it's incredible about the s.economist. I say you take heart, though. Oh, and I think also that seeing a counselor could be a fantastic thing. I myself need to look into that. Last time I had a counselor I did really well; there is hope out there. That's my message for you tonight. I totally understand why you had a panic attack, because of that fear of not having a job/not being successful. I know too well what you mean. But you ARE very successful, though. :D I know you wish for more meaningful work, and I think you will do this one-person revolution in the future... You have so much to offer the world, and like Fifi said, your own happiness is what matters. Hope tomorrow you have a better day, sorry for the long,long note.!! Bear hug.

from swimmmer72 :

I think the biggest difference between your job feelings and mine is that I don't worry about what will happen anymore. I probably should but I've gotten the shit kicked out of me so many times, been royalled intercoursed (FiFi's term!) enough that I'm no longer fearful of my well being as I know I'll survive regardless and there is nothing they can do that hasn't already been done. Still, I understand your apprehension, along with the bio-timing of it all. I received a job offer this past spring that was for lots more money, but it came at the expense of virtually ALL my free time (and by extension, MY LIFE!) Current agency keeps trying to talk me into management as they know my history elsewhere, and I still resist, but only because I have a clearer idea of what it actually involves, again, a large portion of my life. You are right to be cautious, and since you have opened up a dialogue with your boss, it puts an impetus on him to live up to his words, i.e., keeping you happy. See where he goes with it. Time spend where you are can always be used as a stepping stone for later consideration, or so it seems for someone who knows nothing of the job climate for sharp-as-hell economists in Ottawa, Ontario. :) In the meantime, take some of those classes you've written about and have some fun in your spare time. Hopefully, they will come in handy someday! :)

from fifidellabon :

Yes, Ana is right, Swimmy had some good big-brotherly advice. I do believe that it is important to be honest and upfront in working situations, but then again I've gotten royally intercoursed because of that. And what is the very worst that could happen? Also, you might ask for a meeting with your boss to have a brainstorming session as to how your current position might be altered to "enhance your productivity" or some such nonsense, having the actual goal be to increase your happiness. It doesn't sound to me as if any damage was done. Chin up! XXOOFifi

from saudades :

Swimmer72 is so right, EB. Taking this step was important. The decision to tell him was building up for a long time. Take heart-- I firmly believe things will work out for the best. I'm thinking of you! Love, A.

from swimmmer72 :

It isn't necessarily a bad thing to tell your boss of your ideas, especially if he/she is the understanding type which your boss seems to be. Better that than to have someone else tell him. I was upfront from the beginning when I was looking elsewhere and told my boss the reasons I was looking (he understood), as well as any interviews and job offers I had gotten. I'm sure he was sweating it while this was happening since although he was positive and supportive, I'm also sure he didn't want to lose me. In the end, I stayed - no harm, no foul. You are looking at other positions for some very good reasons - your overall happiness just being one of them. I'm sure he won't hold that against you. You haven't actually decided ANYTHING, just that you are considering options and I'm sure he will respect that you are letting him know in advance. He would have found out anyway. Better to hear it from you. IF you really don't want to leave anymore, tell him that. He'll be relieved, I'm sure. If anything, it is good for him to know that you have options and that other departments ALSO think highly of your skills. It might just make him appreciate you all the more. Relax, things will be fine!

from annanotbob :

Take it steady, it WILL all be OK. xxx

from annanotbob :

Take it steady, it WILL all be OK. xxx

from boxx9000 :

It all works out in the end, it ALWAYS does. Trust yourself.

from swimmmer72 :

Maybe you need to figure out what EXACTLY your comfort zone is. What is it about your current job that you like, that you don't like, then compare to the new possibility. You have already written about both extensively, so you've put the thought into it, so decide what it is that you really WANT to have as part of your daily routine. I know it's not easy - I used to spend at least a month a year in "job-search mode" and just recently decided it wasn't worth the time and trouble to make any changes except within the agency. This is your choice and while I don't want to stress you out any more than you already are, it sounds like whichever way you go will make a difference. It's also probably a one shot deal as you're likely to at least "scorch" some bridges no matter what. I sincerely hope this works out for you. :)

from mariastuart :

I hope your talk with the boss went well!

from swimmmer72 :

I agree with saudades below. You really do have an awful lot going for you, and sooner or later (hopefully sooner!) things will start clicking for you. They already are, when you think about it. How many people get to go to Italy and have the same kind of fantastic trip you did? Not many, I bet. You've done so much and just want to do more. You will - it's only a matter of time. You are still (and will always be!) an incredibly sensitive and caring person, so cut yourself some slack. Good things come to those that deserve them, and you're already there!

from mariastuart :

About that happy attitude, thank you for saying this! It's true and I'm glad that I have it back. It took me 3 years of sadness to become this again. I've learned to avoid negative energy (that's what I like to call bad things) and to create positive energy. Wow, suddenly I start to realise that the dark period in my life is over...

from boxx9000 :

Your text is extremely small (maybe it has something to do with my mac and safari?) Have you ever checked out these FREE diary templates? There might be a daffodil theme for you. http://divadesigns.diaryland.com/templates.html

from saudades :

I can relate so much to this last entry, the anger part. You are not an ugly person, you are one of the most beautiful human beings I have had the pleasure to know a little bit about. Really, I look up to you. If I were to list all the things about you that I think are lovely, we'd be here all day because you really are wow. Even though I've never met you, I feel lucky to get to read some of your thoughts on life. Now, what you might do is use this anger as a revelation. It can be a fuel for moving toward a new direction that you love. ((HUGS))

from saudades :

Yeah, what Anna said! Some wise words there, really, really good observation. Well, I read a bit more now, and when I was last in Nicaragua I went out one night with a guy who was so cool. Just one outing was enough to always be a happy memory for me. It was my last view of the city, and it was quite special. You are special, EB, you really are beautiful in all ways. :)

from mariastuart :

About M his mails, I think Fifi said it already in a very good way, try to see them as a gift. A remembering of something nice you could experience. Now you remember how lovely some things can be, try to hold that feeling and take some strength and hope out of it. It won't be the last time in your life you will have thess feeling! Isn't that a great way to think about this? Voila, and maybe this is also a good advice for myself. I've the same feeling about the messages I receive from JJ, it's something the two of you shared and that you will never forget. You can feel "sad" about it, because you miss some things right now but you can also try to erase those little feelings of sadness (and loneliness) and let them make you smile.

from saudades :

I'm so confused because when my grandfather died, I fell behind. And now I can't keep up, so I must ask stupid questions to myself like Who is Marco? And does he like you and you like him? I am sorry. I have to read quite a bit, but hand me some cliff notes pls. Sorry to bother you! Love you tons. 8-)

from fifidellabon :

I would buy the dress! And I think that you'd look simply divine in orange! XOFifi

from raven72d :

Everyone needs a Czech Econometrician Friend. Let's take that for granted.

from fifidellabon :

Hallo, Drunky MacDrunkster here, except that I am sober. That headache sounds horrendous!!! I have heard of it, and there is a name for it but I simply can't recall what it is, therefore I have no specifics for it. Now, mind, you've never asked me, but I do think that the e-mails might be taken as a gift. I can't explain it very well, and I understand the sadness, but perhaps they are a sort of a lifeline to the world of Might Be...or perhaps I am full of bushwah! I like how you describe your desire to slow down. Just before I met Ned (Oh what a broken recording that I sound like!) I slowed down as well. I am still mindful of time and the way that it can speed away or go deliciously slowly, depending on how you spend it. XOFifi Pee Ess I think that you spend yours quite well!

from fifidellabon :

I AM NOT SICK OF YOU. I love you. And pirates are dead sexy. And I am very tres drunk. I have some cogent thoughts but not until tomorrow. YET! I shall drunk post!! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

re: deployment. This is a good thing, right? At the very least, here is a choice for you to make. Yes, pros and cons as always, and you'll have to think it through so your decision is not rash, but this is your opportunity to define your priorities. There is no wrong or right; you make your choice based on what is best for you and you go on from there, in control of your own path. Nothing wrong with that. :)

from swimmmer72 :

re: heart quote. I wasn't specifically refering to a "romantic" situation either. Following my heart has meant a lot of things to me, only some of which have involved romance. Most have specifically been following a path that I KNEW (or thought I knew) was the right one for me, and no, not all of them turned out to correct in the long run. Call it youthful ideology running into a reality check, but that is what I was referring to. SOME have been right on the mark, specifically, leaving my last job, which is what I interpreted your entry to be at least partially about; your job (among other things). So, no, you weren't misunderstood. :)

from blighty :

Life is too short to spend it trying to do what other people think you should. Very few of us follow the path that would look perfect when completing the "Where Am I Now?" form for our school/college reunions. Make yourself happy, because as others have said, nothing is forever. If you go one way, and it's terrible, just chuck it and go the other way. Listen to your new friend at work. Spend it while you've got it....ok that's enough random advice for one day I think....

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, this very long year...I wish that I could remember what FT said to me about suffering, when I was in the midst of it. Something about how it transforms you, and reorients you and makes you open to recieving the gifts that are sent you. But I haven't got it quite right. Maybe this is your year of indentured servitude so that you will be an even more empathetic supervisor. But it is deffo good to have found a friend in the same boat. I've made some bad career decisions before and even now, some come back to haunt me. But I don't care any more because I am in a better place, as you will be soon. ( As Loretta Castorini's father said "EVERYthing is temporary!!" ) Do you have to do the full year? Pee Ess intercourse the pension, your life is much more important. Pee Ess Too Of course you do want it, I was just trying not to be a pushy bossyboots. Bluey, to speak metaphorically, now you know that you are ill, you know what the illness is, and so the best cure will now be found. Have a daff-o-riffic day, and have you ever tried fiddleheads? They are a type of edible fern, and they would brighten any early Spring day!! I would have written about them last night but I was kind of asleep really early and forgot to write. ECKS OH XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

3 things: 1. Thinking and acting with your heart is NOT fundamentally always the way to go. Heart decisions represent some of the cruelest body slams I've ever taken as well as some of the most flawed decisions I've ever made. That being said, I'm not sure I'd change any of them. ;) 2. Italy. If you really want to go, have good reasons for going (no matter whether they are heart or head reasons), and have the time and money to go, then GO! Life is short and it should NOT revolve around work! 3. My disclaimer: as one who has consistently marched to the beat of my own drummer, my own values cannot in good faith represent solid, sensible advice to ANYONE, so take this all with a grain of salt, but in my mind, success in life is determined by how you treat your fellow earthling, the extent that you have allowed yourself to experience all that life had to offer, and what you did when the chips were down, as in NEVER GIVE UP. What I do for work never enters into the equation, even though I have had some "good" jobs. It seems like you are on the verge of those type of decisions, AND, as they say, do you define the moment, or does the moment define you? Yeah, ball's in your court, and yes, I suppose it is a bit of a dare... ;)

from fifidellabon :

It will NOT be years!!!! You are totally rockin' and you will be all pair-bonded before you know it--if you want it, that is! XOFifi

from teranika :

Forgot to say - thanks. Your mention of lard-on-bread combined with the smell of today's fresh air brought back all of those food memories, and the mental pictures of gardens, Dresden, rivers, and friends that go with it. There was something special about that time when I didn't speak enough German to belong and so I floated around living life with conversations in my own head. sigh. this is all about me, isn't it?? Thanks again for the memories!

from teranika :

I remember Spring, 2000, sleeping in a sleeping bag on the top floor of a church in Dresden, and eating breakfast before a day at the Elbhangfest (Elbe River Bank Music Festival). We woke and started pulling out foods for breakfast. I remember thinking, "I'm finally thinking like a German. I'm eating salami for breakfast without even a second thought about how weird it is..." And then someone pulled out the JAR OF WHITE LARD and passed it around..."Anyone want some FAT?" I went right back to feeling like a skiddish American... I told this story to my best friend in the choir. He nearly fell out of his chair laughing the next time we were out for dinner at a friend's garden house, and she served us fat-on-bread for dinner. (only her fat was delicious - cooked up with apples and onions - I cannot believe I liked it.) And then of course, that same summer, I was introduced to East Germany's very own Salmonella on Toast: Gehacktes - ground raw pork and beef mixed with raw onion and a raw egg, served with fat and a pickle on bread. Oh the things we eat to belong...

from fifidellabon :

Hah! I just read your comment! "Get some stuff" indeed! Well, I'd vote for an Italian donation. Yeah, I'll bet that you all were wishing to be in my shoes last night! Today the goal is---Boredom Seeking. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh crap, your quote made me cry. I am going to copy it out and carry it with me for a while. I think that I might be needing it. On to better things---Book it!!! Book it!!!! I would, in a heartbeat, and your reasoning is sound, then you will have to take your courses. It looks as if thngs are really looking up for you and I am really happy about that. Also---tweed walls?! XOFifi

from whystinger :

In Europe you were away from this place and left it all... you are back in the stresses of the now. You are on the right track with your idea to get out and start doing things... Plan on doing something like a vacation during weekends, take walks, in the parks, in the city, go to a museum or do something to relax and refresh.

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I do like the job well enough, I even like Orkplace. It is just that the takers are really taking and can't see when I have nothing left to give. I am somewhat burnt out, therefore I am putting all my concentration on my work, not the people, and we'll see if my batteries get recharged. But it is nice to know that one is not alone, eh? XO, you littele daffodil! Fifi

from fifidellabon :

That IS the key, when you can be totally yourself and it works out. I am sorry to say that I totally understand about the work sitch, and also, I am convinced that it is stress that is smacking you in the digestive system. I unfortunately am empirically sympathising with you there as well. Well, we shall just take action and see what happens! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

More pics!! Thank you for sharing! I've never been to Italy, so I need the visual to even come close to imagining how great it must have been. I love the pics of the church! Very, very nice!

from hungryghost :

Lovely, lovely photos. And exciting changes to come! I'm around to talk about art anytime (though I barely write about it, because I'm lazy, unlike you, beautifully prolific updater!)

from teranika :

oh lord my heart is aching when I see those photos!!! So BEAUTIFUL!!! The POPPIES! How I miss them. And the views. And the quiet churches. I remember going into abandoned churches in Italy and singing haunting melodies, just so I could hear them echoing off the old walls in the sunlight. Your entry has made me so homesick for Europe. You should be watching "Room with a View" this evening. K and I never had a big wedding party, and one of our dreams is to rent a hugh villa in Italy for two weeks and invite all of our friends to come and stay with us. I'm going to start looking for villas now...and I LOVE the length of your hair now, with the layers in. It's sporty yet soft. Long enough to be elegant if necessary, but short enough for every day. It could go up in tiny ponytails if necessary (and it is REALLY trendy right now), but it's short enough to be easy on a day-to-day basis. Just my opinion from one blurry shot. You look GREAT!

from mariastuart :

I'm really happy to give you that daffodil comment, it was my intention to say "the right words on the right time" :) It was just what I felt on that moment. Oh, that's a shame you don't have more pictures of yourself! That's a thing to remember for the next time. Yes, the fleur pictures were taken with my cam but by my brother, I made a collage of them afterwards. About taking pictures of yourself, just put your arm in the air, put the cam on your face, look into the cam and smile :) All my selfportrait pictures are taken like this (and I've been doing this for almost two year, every day of the year!). Inspired by **Noah Kalina**. It looks a bit weird in the beginning, certainly on a spot with several people but just ignore them :)

from mariastuart :

Your pictures are great! I'm curious to see some more and btw your hair looks great, even without a dryer :)

from swimmmer72 :

WELL! Lots to respond to! First, you are right about the job. My last position was the same way. Yes, you have to be practical, but NOT if it is sucking you dry and turning your life-outside-of-work into an extention of your work day by stifling your inner self. I USED to be 4th in command with a decent paycheck, but the stress and toxic environment of it all was killing me. Now, less money and less status on the totem pole, but much more freedom to be who I am, even when I am being my outspoken, obnoxious self. I gave myself 6 months and it took three weeks to get out. That was #1, #2 is having a plan. You have one. It may change and probably will, but adapt it as needed to suit yourself, and I think you will feel more focus come into your life as you work toward something you know is actually the right thing for you to do. Like PLAN B is for me. Your pics were great, and we're all glad to have you back safe and sound! :)

from fifidellabon :

Deffo glad that you got home safely, not that I was worried. The pics were totally beautiful!! I am brain-numbed from too many parties, or I mght have had something intelligent to say! XOFifi

from mariastuart :

I was jus going to say the same: welcome home :) Have a good sleep, jet lags are horrible sometimes..

from boxx9000 :

WELCOME HOME. Think of it as a time to *re-charge* before you are off on more adventurous world travels.

from blighty :

I agree with Fifi. Stop beating yourself up and look at all the incredible things you have done. Hugs...

from swimmmer72 :

"...a new dry run.." That's exactly right. A person has to make that attempt to get themselves where they want to be, but they cannot miraculously change themselves overnight. They must take that step and hope it is in the right direction. This trip has become more momentous than you could have possibly hoped, in a good way, I hope.

from fifidellabon :

Dude. Big hug. Look, you are leaving a magical journey. But the magic will stay with you. Hang on to that. Don't feel bad, feel good. You both wanted just a little bit more---is that so wong? Non. NON! There is not any need for self-castigation (I do so hope that I have used that correctly) and there is nothing jelly-like about you! AND you are honourable! I will think about this and perhaps give you a proper, boring old lecture! XOXOFifi

from mariastuart :

What can I say? I know: you are a growing daffodil! A daffodil doesn't get that big, yellow and shiny in one day. Just one step after another. Have a safe trip!

from annanotbob :

Hugs xx

from saudades :

Happy belated birthday! I think I missed it, if so I'm sorry EB! I have you are having a lovely time, I have to catch up with the diary later... just remembered about your birthday and then was like: DOH!

from fifidellabon :

"Financial prudence"??!! OH, the ro-MANCE!!!! Why, how could you not (cost-effectively) fall into his (sharing-the-economic-burden) arms immediately!!! Well, I was thinking about the NA vs Euro dude thing then of course I naturally started to think about myself. Who am I? What am I? Who do I want to be like? Well, it turns out that I want to be me. Basically a Pan-Celtic/Euro mutt. I may admire another culture but I don't want to ape it. If I can learn from it, and possibly incorporate knowledge, then that is good. But I don't want to put on my bling or go to a powwow or drink ouzo and become a joke just because I want to be like the culture. Does that make any sense? And additionally, there are things of my own culture that make me cringe. Eugh, perhaps this world IS a rahther complicated place! XOFifi

from mariastuart :

That's lovely news :) Have a great evening!

from mariastuart :

I just had to come back and tell you this: I just KNEW you HAD to go on that last bike tour! Our lives are very similar, if I kiss a boy, you have to kiss a boy too and so on. So I just knew you would have at least a few kisses there in Italy!

from fifidellabon :

OH, yay, Bluey! I feel all weepy-good for you! I'll bet that you will be able to find the hidden gems in Ottawa now. Still, I do think that NA dudes are different from Europeans. No better or worse, just all depends on the individual, I suppose. Well, I am semi-ambulatory and expect to be feeling brill soon. XOFifi Pee Ess A CURFEW...huhhuhhuh!

from mariastuart :

Lovely things that you are telling us :) let's all smile!!!

from swimmmer72 :

Hmmmm... Just to clarify, what if we're just talking about a couple teeth missing, and they're just the useless ones in the back...? Maybe one on the side? ;)

from swimmmer72 :

OK, lets run through this... First, gout is a deal breaker. Then, you say CRAZY is no good. NOW, you are saying that prospects need to have ALL their TEETH! Blue, you are just TOO PICKY!!!!

from swimmmer72 :

I think blighty has a good idea! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Yep. So now you know; even older than you thought. :p The thing with my age, or anybody's age, to me, if that's the most important piece of information involved, I don't want to be involved. I've lived my life with people who took it to be a non-factor, and in my mind, it should be. I am who I am and my age (and yours) is just a number. In terms of dating, I've had serious relationships with people my age and more than a few with people much more than a few years younger. With them, age wasn't a factor. For those with whom it was, the interesting part was that it wasn't until they actually knew EXACTLY how old I was. I won't judge myself that way, and if they are going to, it is their problem. Sounds like a good plan for the next couple days in Italy! This sounds like a great experience for you, even if parts of it provoke some uncomfortable reflection on your part. To the analytical mind, it just makes it a deeper experience! ;)

from blighty :

Maybe you should have someone take a picture of you leaning on your bike with lovely Italy in the background. Bet it would be stunning.

from swimmmer72 :

I haven't ever lied about my age either, but like Fifi, I never volunteer it because I know all too well how that 2 digit number will automatically label me in the eyes of many. I used to be offended by it, but now, I am comfortable in the ways I can defy that label. Besides, for people that really want to know, I simply toss out #1638 as a entry for them as long as they aren't afraid of a little math. Blue, you are as old as you want to be. You can't change the number, but you determine the attitude surrounding it, so don't be sad, be 38, and go out and enjoy yourself!

from mariastuart :

Happy happy HAPPY birthday my dear Enfinblue! I wish you everything you ever can wish for, love, lots of love, lots of friendschip, hours of sun, great evenings, wine, the best books ever and sunsets, let me not forget to wish you a lot of great sunsets. And smiles. XXX

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, Happy Birthday! And I know that this will sound trite, but---it's in the inside what counts. And your outside is adorable! So you have it made on two fronts. Oh, and I, also as well, never lie about my age! I just never volunteer it. Because sometimes people won't take one seriously, all on account of one's age. Ridiculous!! So, if it's going to be an older dude, consider this---a rich old man with a cough! Bluey, honestly, it sounds as if men are trailing after you and begging to eat from your hand! Have a wonderful birthday and remember that I am wishing tons of good things for you! XOFifi Pee Ess I am wearing a bubble dress today!

from fifidellabon :

Well, I would give myself a big hug and a kiss from me, Fifi, to you for Happy Birthday! Then I would do whatever I felt like! You are NOT horrid, you are human, and clingy IS very, very unattractive. Clingy repels me. Ned and I are deffo not joined at the hip and that I think is what keeps us strong and close. Happy Birthday, you little crazycat! XOFifi And Pee Ess, I would have frogmarched (looove that word!!!) that dude OUT of the church! Aren't churches supposed to be a place of refuge?! xo!

from blighty :

Happy Birthday! I have been living vicariously through your entries, trying to imagine biking and eating through glorious scenery. What a great vacation. More wine, less pasta...:-)

from swimmmer72 :

Happy Day-before-Birthday, Blue! For the big day, I would think of a select group of things I'd especially like to treat myself with. It doesn't matter whether it's a meal, a wine, a ride, an Italian, a class or whatever, just pick out something that makes your day special, then go ahead and enjoy! You'll only turn 38 in Italy once! ;)

from fifidellabon :

Hee, exposing yourself to more people...you could get arrested for that!!! Only a joke, I knew what you meant. I am having the BEST time in Italy through you! Thank you! XOFifi

from mzbee :

I have a book on Italian shrines (Frances Mayes) and I would love to see Italy. one day. one day.

from teranika :

It sounds like you had such a wonderful wonderful day. I think that you are right that it's the beauty of being a traveler amongst travelers, but also the unique sensation of having all of your senses open and active. It's a rush. I've met Americans like that, although the language incompetence is not unique to them. I've experienced that English-speakers in general (Americans, Australians, English Canadians, and English) tend to have atrophied language skills. Actually, I've experienced it with the French, too. (although, umm, yeah, Arno isn't that tough, and there is frequently something uniquely oblivious and lacking in humility about certain American tourists..). I'm glad that after your eye-roller experience you were subsequently able to see such good things. Keep absorbing everything!!!

from swimmmer72 :

I guess the transcient nature of being a "traveler among travelers" has both an up and a down side. Like you, I've met people I would have LOVED to get to know better, including a few that I maintained contact with for a while afterward. BUT, a day or two here and there, and then it's off to see other people, other places, other things. Of course, there are other people you are glad that they are going a different direction and your meeting is strictly temporary. I'm so happy your trip is going well! ;)

from mariastuart :

When I read your entries I just have to smile :) I can feel the positive vibe through it! I had such a GREAT trip to Paris, I'm still in total bliss! Madonna 3th row! It was just crazy. About what you said of the Americans, I have to agree. Sorry for the Americans and they are not all the same but that's how they act sometimes. And about the boys thing, just be crazy :) You are only one time in Italy, it's not bad to have a fling. Trust me, sometimes it's just good to have some extra attention, it will give you some new energy. (And I know about what I'm talking about..) Enjoy the rest of your holiday!

from swimmmer72 :

Thank you for the effort (spam notes), and of course your comment was well received. Learning experience? At least, a voyage of self discovery with the possibility of broadening that to include another. Yeah. Like you, I've had opportunities while away. What happens in (insert town), stays in (insert town). Like you, I've found them fun, interesting, intriguing, but ultimately, not where I'm at. Oh yeah, I forgot tempting... Well, that too... "sigh..." Of course, mine haven't been with eighty year olds, or even seven years my senior, and maybe I've been overlooking a distinct possibility. Hrmp. To each his own, I guess, and while I hesitate to offer advice, if the eighty years olds start looking good, I'd cut back on the wine, ok? ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Pissed off? Well, if you are referring to some of your comments about Americans, no, I'm not offended at all. Unfortunately, I fully realize what terrible representatives of this country some of my countrymen are. I'd like to think it is a small minority, but I'm afraid it isn't. What you write is actually relatively mild. Globally, our image is much, much worse and we have no one to blame but ourselves (and the people we choose to represent us)(well, no, I didn't choose them...) As far as the other stuff, it's YOUR trip. You do what you want to do, when you want to do it. It could be a while before you get back, so make this trip your own! For what it's worth, it definitely sounds like a great experience! :)

from saudades :

Despite those little things,it sounds like you are having a good time!! And that's wonderful, you deserve it to be excellent! :D Send you tons of hugs and good vibes from across the ocean. Much love!

from fifidellabon :

Ciao, bella! I can't help but giggle at your enchantressing! What fun. Wel, except for the vomit. So. Interestingly enough, yesterday I was practicing to say "no". Perhaps the Aussie might be needing to hear some of that. You decide. Oh. Remember how I slagged Americans in the head lice episode? Well, I deffo lost a reader over that! But it was good, because I had added her to my list out of politesse, but I never had read her. So I got to take her off as well. So everything works out. I like the guide sparks, that's all good. Keep having all that fun!!! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Sounds like you are having an absolutely MAGICAL time! With all kinds of elements thrown into the mix! Enjoy, Bluey, enjoy, soak it all in! Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts; you are also in ours! :)

from fifidellabon :

Brava! Well done! Oh, the dude, though...never saw THAT coming! I was picturing you and a newfound friend sitting out having a drink and discussing the various merits of the French vs. the Italian Pinch...It all sounds just lovely! XOFifi

from mariastuart :

Oh, an entry from you in Italy! Sounds lovely! Have fun, enjoy everything!!! I'm so happy for you :)

from saudades :

Have a safe and lovely trip, EB!

from fifidellabon :

Bluey. I slept all day and it is so much better that even I don't believe it! Don't spend a thought on anyone but you! You are a dear! XOFifi

from annanotbob :

I come via fifi to wish you well - just back from Italia myself - is there a more beautiful place? I don't think so. Wishing you peace and good things a-plenty, Anna xx

from fifidellabon :

"What *do* you think of the facists" indeed! Have a grand time! XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

My grandmother was born in Italy, a little town north of Pisa. One of my all time FAVE movies is Cinema Paradisio. I took Italian in college for 4 years, but my Italian is horrible. Have a FANTASTIC vacation. I am soOooOOooooo envious. Maybe one day I will get to see Italy, it would feel like a dream come true.

from swimmmer72 :

Oh yeah, thanks for sharing the song. I love your choice in music! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Well, I can definitely relate to the "road alone" part. Each time I went on one of those BIG driving trips of mine, I'd try to find a travel partner because even though I'd get into an "all alone groove" which wasn't really all that bad, I knew it would be twice as good with the right travel buddy. Key word being RIGHT. I went with Bev to St. Louis and it wasn't good. You are right. Get some sleep, tomorrow's another day. Italy gives you time to think and put everything into perspective, AND, just relax. I don't think you are as far away from your answers as it seems right now. Where did I hear that before.... Oh yeah, you told me basically the same thing! And, again, thanks for the pictures! You are a sweetheart! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

See, I KNEW it was deeply profound! "smirk" ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Oh yeah, 3) Thank you so much for the pictures I requested, even though I see they are already gone. They were definitely worth that second look and I appreciate the gesture. Bread girl's pretty hot, too! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Three things: 1) It's just a bike ride at this point and maybe will never be anything more, but like your first step, it IS a FIRST STEP that was important to take. 2) You are NOT and will NEVER be a moron! and 3) I forgot what #3 was, but I'm SURE it was deeply profound.... ;) Thank you sincerely for all your supportive notes, comments and emails! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

So, OK. Not exactly Prince Charming. Close, some good elements, but ultimately not what you want. Probably. That's fine. Now, focus, understand that you actually went out on what was essentially a blind date and get yourself ready to try again. AFTER ITALY. And, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU GET BACK!!!! Unless of course that Italian Count with a million acre winery and a passion for running around the north 40 just happens to run into you somewhere outside of Florence. Baby steps, Blue, and you've just taken the first one. There will be more, because of course, who in their RIGHT MIND could RESIST you? Relax, things will work out! ;)

from boxx9000 :

The out of shape thing can be fixed, look for a good soul. P.S. You have very beautiful eyes.

from whystinger :

From that picture of you, you should have no trouble finding guys to date. You are attractive and can cook... Take your time and be sure. Don't be afraid to hold off on the sex for a while too... let that excitement build.

from saudades :

Awww, sweetie, if you need to cry it's okay. Don't feel bad. You need to be 100% into a guy if there's going to be anything, and unfortunately this guy is not all that you are looking for. And you ARE very attractive, EB. I'm sorry that you feel bad right now. Send you a bear hug!

from boxx9000 :

I'd send you my snail mail addy for a post card from ITALY! ([email protected])

from teranika :

Well, just be your sweet, bouncy self-with-an-edge then. Smile. Talk about books. About skating on the canal. About what you want to do in Italy. Make a slightly snide joke. Laugh. Have fun.

from teranika :

WOW. Chill pill, babe. You're cool. You're fun. You're good in jeans OR a skirt for a diner. Have a GREAT TIME!!!!

from swimmmer72 :

Don't be nervous. Just relax and be yourself! :)

from boxx9000 :

I'm looking forward to some NOW pics from your Italy trip. Have fun and travel safely. ~ciao

from fifidellabon :

Huhhuhhuh...I AM that dude in the background! Metaphorically, that is. XOFifi

from teranika :

I like the dude in the background of the third photo. HEY HEY PEACE MAN!!!!

from teranika :

I had a HUGE weakness for brightly colored silk scarves when I was last in Italy. They would go wonderfully with that black dress you bought a view months ago...

from swimmmer72 :

Thank you for answering my question in a visual format! Just to test my powers of suggestion, and please take this for what it's worth, as ravenously beautiful as you were in your twenties, as remarkable as these pictures are, distorted or not, I STILL have a special feeling for a couple pictures you posted (and promptly yanked, you tease!) of the modern day Blue. Recent, one of which was giving your "don't even think about it" look (your description! ;)) I think they were the ones with the quilts in the background. Anyway, thanks again for sharing! ;)

from teranika :

Thanks for that tip and all the info about the heel. It's actually on the outer edge of the heel, just slightly. I'll be seeing a doctor for Susi's checkup in a few weeks and so I think I'll ask for a referral to a physical therapist then. You're the second person to say to take that email in a positive way - I think that I will go with that! I hope that you have a wonderful trip to Italy - and the absence of the daffodil dress means the opportunity to find yourself something very special and memorable from a shop in Italy, if you're up for it! Just be sure to leave that little extra space in your bag...

from fifidellabon :

Bluey! What a wonderful day! I am happy for you. Give me the deets of the date tomorrow, you have my addy! The dress sounds a dream. I do like "dress" much better than "frock" don't you? Well I am far too drunk to be writing. You would laugh if you would see me writing! XOFifi Pee Ess. Tell me what she didn't send you, I might be able to put that right. But no guarrantees.

from fifidellabon :

I think that maybe I have written it wrong. I have no trainwrecks right now. Not for lack of searching! My f-o-r one was martine, whom I think has to be thee most ungrateful, arrogant, insecure, deluded person on earth. Not to mention the hypocracy! Oops, I just did...mention it, that is. But you know, maybe some people like her. Sigh, but she locked up. Frankly, though, I have felt fewer toxins in the air since I don't read her anymore! Yay! Off to Ned! And ned. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, no, you really never got something that you paid for?! That is dreadful! How completely rude of her! I will confide to you that the pjs that I bought from her? Disappointing, to say it nicely. She seems to want and want but oh! A light just went on---she may have some narcissism issues. (Let me guess, the entire world already knew of that?) At any rate, she seems to want to change, but to have no idea of how. I am not certain of how badly off that she is. There were several red flags, which is why I keep my distance. But I'll always be glad of her---that's where I found your notes! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

I see your daffodils! That was a nice entry and I do know what you mean and that is why I have tons of respect for you and not a ton for her. I feel sorry...I wonder if it is because I cursed her roundly when she (how it is they say "screwed me over"?) when I was trying to help her out. Oh well, no I am not that powerful. Just in my head! Heee! Oh and Bluey, I bought daffodil dress today! It is very simple, and it looks smashing, actually I had my "lethal weaons" thingy on and I must say!! SO. You've been converting us to daffoldils. XOFifi

from saudades :

I hope you and the guy have a nice coffee!! If he sounds to your liking, I hope he is so in person, too. :D

from fifidellabon :

Ooh! That's good news indeed! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Crappo! I just disappeared a note to you. So I shall just say that you are never rabbity. Just a caution that my sister and I use. Now have fun with all those new toys. I mean boys, of course! XOFifi

from hungryghost :

Never underestimate the power of a good haircut. It puts everything to rights! Kind of. Also, do what you have to do with the locking. It can be temporary, until you can assume the problematic person has lost interest. I've done that.

from swimmmer72 :

Do what you have to do, Blue, but I hope it is just a precaution you find you don't really need. I'll be missing my daily slice of Blue if it goes on too long! Actually, missing it already! ;)

from fifidellabon :

Wow, this is so freaky---even before you gave yourself a hug, I was going to quote one of my fav-o-riffic cheesy films---"Rome wasnt't built in a day. And a hug beats a kick in the butt!" I think that perhaps your tiny bit of gloom may be coming from having a cold (irritating things, colds!) and also from what Ned's mum would call "Journey Pride" which is when you get all edgy and tense before leaving on a trip. I thought it the oddest expression at first, yet we use it routinely now. At any rate, I think that you would remind me (were I in your shoes) that progress comes in different lengths of stride, and that I shoud not be hard on myself for needing a bit of a psychic rest. So that is what I shall say. I think that it is brilliant all the work that you've been doing. SO many people become complacent, and in doing that, can't see that they are settling for less. As for the dating site, well I suppose that it all depends on how much it cost. I did a bit of research and I think that were I in a sitch where I'd be fating, (HAH! I wrote "fating" when I meant to say "dating"!) I'd use e-H@rmony. It seems to cut through fluff and match up the important traits. All right, enough of my blether. I am feeling much more the thing these days, but Ned is knocked off his feet with a wicked cold. Oooh! I am so excited about Italy and You---perfect together! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

I was brought up flying and I LOVED it, even the food. BUT, that was a long time ago, and I hate it now. I flew to Utah and might do the west through the air again because driving takes so long, but air travel just isn't fun anymore. 36 hours in the air?!!!! OMG, I couldn't do that, not all at once anyway. Thought you were going to bed...?...??? ;);) Yes, I just noted myself for the 2nd time tonight!!! :p

from swimmmer72 :

Some day I'll have to tell you about the time I re-entered the US from Quebec going into New Hampshire about 5AM. Talk about porous! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Yes! Absolutely!! I want to see Australia, New Zealand, all the Pacific Islands I can get to, China, Nepal, Tibet, Vietnam, Africa if they ever stop having wars there. Not so much Europe, but Scotland and Ireland would be neat. My heritage is Swiss, mostly, so I should stop there. I might have to trade in the RV for a boat! Good night, Blue, as always, it's been fun! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Taken from me as in the last time I went, I walked over the Rainbow Bridge FOR FREE! It was more of a hassle to get back in the States than it was to get into Canada. AND, you are right! (of course..) I can GET INTO Canada, I just can't get back into the States w/o a passport. Figures! Yeah, they were so far behind, they had to push the deadline back. And to think, most of the people were just crossing the border to get the REALLY good Molsons... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Me, too. My sister (the runner) lived in Manhattan for 6 years before moving to Albany and I went down to visit several times. I'm not 100% on current passport rules, but I've been thinking about it ever since they made the change. It isn't that I go to Canada a lot, but I'd hate to have a chance to go and not be able to because I never passported up. I still think that and mandatory digital TV are Conservative plots. :)

from swimmmer72 :

So far, I've been strictly North American continental. 49/50 states, (not Alaska yet) many extensively and about half the Provinces. But now that they've taken Canada from me, I suppose it's time.

from swimmmer72 :

I'll give you the same terms I give my sister, who can also kick my arse in any race of length. You pick the place, I'll pick the distance! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

passport, not pssport! Good thing I don't do anything critical this time of night... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Yes, I agree. 330 miles, according to sitemeter. I looked at a map and was dismayed to see that Ottawa isn't NEARLY as close to Toronto as I thought. Well, you never know. We both travel a lot and as recently as Oct.'06, I was only about an hour away. Maybe I'll have to break down and get a pssport! ;) BTW, I was about a half second from posting this in my notes. AGAIN! :p

from swimmmer72 :

"how soon do we forget what we have in yearning for what we don't? :)" I was remembering it as more of a tongue twister... but still. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Well, you got me there! I can't remember my last actual "date". There have been a couple, and it isn't like meeting M. for lunch in OKC was the usual way they happened, but it does kind of define the abstract, non-contemporary way I go about doing things. I understand your feelings on the Saturday guys. There is a woman I work with, actually much higher up in the food chain, and she has a lot going for her, yada, yada, yada, and I think about it and can't think of any reasons why I shouldn't except that I know the reasons why I should aren't enough. BTW, that last part of the 2nd note? I bet you can't say that 3 times fast... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

What about all those eligible men you met the other night? Wouldn't they be a better option than someone you have to trust to be honest sight unseen? Just my opinion. I have a bias against dating sites even though I've never tried one, and it's only based on the way I prefer to get to know people. Yeah, the slow approach, which isn't for everybody either. Save it, and work, and your boss and everything else until you get back from Italy! You won't need any of it there! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

You are right about being in the present. With me, it isn't about the past or about the future, I'm simply wired to move a million miles per hour with the inability to relax. Some sort of accelerated ADHD, I suppose. I did better with it on my Utah trip last fall. Not so much forcing myself to relax, but little reminders that there was no place I had to be but right there, enjoying the moment. Still, so much to see, so much to do, the original excitable boy still gets stuck in overdrive from time to time. I'm learning to value the comtemplative moment. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Such strong, positive thoughts! You go, girl!! You are talented and passionate - the world is your platter! Incidently, when I had a morning like you just experienced, I'd absolutely force myself to get up and go for a run as a make-it-or-break-it move, either ending up crawling back into bed or getting past the whole drank-too-much mistake. It was back to bed at least half the time. ;)

from fifidellabon :

You are right, there can never be too much joy! I am glad that you are deciding to be raising your joyful voice. ( Not as a fundamentalist might be, be but because joy is a good good thing!) One thing that I try always to remember, I am at church to worship God. Not to worship the clergy, not to rebel against liturgy, but just to worship, and to learn. And not to forget the singing! Like an out-of-shape dude once said to me about his body (in this case it's the bumpy parts of church) "I just gloss over the bad parts!" Oh, yes I am back to normal now. I am even thinking of apero! heee! XOFifi HAH! I just noted myself! That cracks me up when I do that!

from fifidellabon :

You are no fool, oh, no, no fool at all. Silly! Wow, I can't believe that we are both exreeeeemely hung over. Do you know, church is either really more difficult when one is hung over, or else actually easier because one has taken all the steps of self-protection. Oh my, though! What a feeling! I am hydrating and taking painkillers and shaking my head in disbelieving wonder. Do you know how many shakers of Flood Survivors were made last night? No, really, because I don't. Because I lost count. And I was the one mixing them! Have a glorious, lazy, self-indulgent day. XOFifi. Hey, have a Fif-a-licious day!

from elliestuff :

nice pics. love the cat and the plants too.

from fifidellabon :

Bluey. That was a beautiful and veree insightful letter. I mean entry. This is going to be disjointed, and a novel...I had an Andrew. Perhaps not as intense as yours, but then again I am rahther more shallow. I hung on to ( the memory, the fact, the dreams) him for years...never really giving what I ought to, to whomever I was dating at the time. I think that I knew it, deep down. My friends gave to me the only therapy that we knew back then, after seeing me hang on for years. You know, the old "get her drunk and make her talk and cry about it" therapy. I still hung on for a year or so more, but one day for unknown reasons, I said "I give you up" and had some sort of ceremony, really I can't remember. I'm sure that tears were shed. The point is, I deffo made it valid (is tha the right word) to have loved, lost, hung on, and now, the letting go. I can't say that it was all nuts and pastis right away, but it was different. (OH I say, Ned had one as well!!!! Well, it wasn't a he, it was a she. Right before he met me, he tried to find her, he sent a letter, but got no answer...that may have been his ceremony. And he was seriously with someone at the time as well. And we think WE are complicated!) And now? Bluey, I can barely remember him. I can't bring up his name right off. It is cloudy, but in a fond way. And I'd have never ever guessed that I would have felt like that. Ned is different from my Andrew, in so many ways, and I am so grateful for that!!! Perhaps my Andrew was my Girl's dream/soulmate, but Ned is deffo for me the Woman. Oddly enough, I did something like it just before Biba was born. I let go all my mistakes and forgave myself for them. SO rock on, Sistah! I can't believe that you are going to Italy so soon! Squeeee! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Sometimes it just takes that little bit of encouragement to get you back to where you belong. I'm glad you had this night to get you back there. :)

from swimmmer72 :

re: and you, my dear friend are very nice to say so even if that indicates you are NOT as visually oriented as I... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Blue, tell you what. No trepidation. You have mine. If you ever feel so inclined, feel free to use it. It's ok either way. :)

from swimmmer72 :

Blue, I got a "failure notice" on email try #1. You didn't specify so I tried hotmail, for what it's worth. :/

from swimmmer72 :

Any chance you might like to switch to email for correspondence? Mine is SELsteveOatverizondotnet. Just an idea. :)

from swimmmer72 :

And, Blue, please don't apologize for all the correspondence. I'm lovin' it here! One of the best aspects of it is that there doesn't seem to be any pressure (from either of us) to continue beyond when either of us has had their fill. Right now, I'm just soaking it all in. You are an interesting person. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Thank you, Blue! I appreciate it. Yes, I'm not JUST visually oriented, but it sure helps! I have LOVED seeing all your pictures. I could go on and on about them, but I'll simply say I'm captivated. Yes, I know. The Alabama guy said it WAY better! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I missed the pic. In between notes, I've been alternately running, then a short bike ride. Could I talk you into putting it up again, PLEASE? ;)

from swimmmer72 :

OK, let me get this straight... Was this latest guy from your new, improved, more exclusive dating site????? Sign me up! Maybe he has a sister! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

My sweet tooth prohibits black, but I'm a dark roast guy. Most of my tastes are pretty basic, if slightly off the wall, but with coffee and beer I have to admit to a bit of snobbery. I've gotten myself spoiled with rare exotics and I don't think there is any turning back. I love Kona, Papua New Guinea, smokey Italian roasts and most of my coffee comes in the mail. And that's all happened in the last 10 years. I used to drink Folgers instant. :)

from swimmmer72 :

OK, silly girl, get that coffee! Not a cure-all, but it certainly helps! ;) What kind of coffee do you drink?

from swimmmer72 :

Yes, I know you're just teasing. Don't worry, I'm pretty thick-skinned and don't take offense easily. You are also right - same limitations, same pleasures. Birds of a feather. It gives us an understanding. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I eat. I sleep. I work, I run, I bike. Most of the rest of the time, I'm on the computer. :) Enjoy your chocolate torte, it sounds like a great Saturday indulgence! Yes, you are probably right about later tonight, and I will look forward to that! ;)

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, you'd be surprised at how many danseurs are straight, and they are horrr-neeeee!!!! Just as with riding, it is like a king amongst his harem. Wll, it sounds a beautiful night. You are right, I do love taking Biba to the ballet. We haven't done anything major, but she simply adores it. We sometimes go to watch a friend's company, and sometimes Biba get to go talk to the dancers afterward. Talk...hee, it is more like gazing with big, round-eyed wonder at them! Bluey, I feel so much better, and I want to thank you for your part in that---your writing is really wonderful. And it is just so good to know that there is a cheerful little daffodil out there! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

You are very entertaining, yourself, Ms Blue! It's been much fun! And for now, good night and sweet dreams! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

"cool people like the world's tallest woman..." Hahahahahaha!!!! I'm still laughing!!! We don't get neat stuff like that in Erie! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

THE FIRES!!! Of course you would know about the fires! Buffalo would start out their newscasts with fire stories and Toronto media always made fun of us! HaHa! Yes, good times! I never could decide what was worse - the overdone wax museums and commercialism of Niagara Falls, Ontario or the wasted opportunities and corruption of Niagara Falls, New York. Ah, the memories.... :)

from swimmmer72 :

Yeah, birds of a feather. Never early, never late, always coming in the door 90 million mph exactly on time, give or take 30 seconds... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

OK, I've never been to Ottawa, although I was close years ago. I suspect it's a lot different from Toronto or Montreal (both of which I've been to), and I'd love to hear about those differences. I'm sure you know them very well. Downtrodden? I lived in Buffalo for much of my life and as much as I loved the city, I'd cringe at every Buffalo joke ever spoken. No glamour there, either. :(

from swimmmer72 :

Well, for me, I get to dress casual most of the time, but instead of ballet, I do court appearances with my job, so it's the same kind of dress-up thing without nearly the glamour. And, like you, not wanting to be late for said court appearances, I am also frequently running down the streets of Pittsburgh or elsewhere to get there on time.

from swimmmer72 :

Yes, I know, Ms Smirk, I got that impression right off the bat, and it is just one of the ways I enjoy our communication! I had a reply to your last bedroom note, but discretion is the better part of valour and I'm going to refrain. For now.... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I can imagine every one of your moves and the thought processes involved in your quest to make a timely appearance at the ballet and was rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically WITH you as I can completely relate to "good plan gone wrong..." ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Re: Christmas/autumn combinations. Many of my X-mas lights stay up all year. No, I only turn them on in December, and yes, I could plead lack of storage space, but basically, I can't be bothered. :) Thanks for the comments, as always! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Re: bikini girl daytimer. It's Sports Illustrated and since I've been a swimming coach for years, it's like a professional responsibility..... ;)

from fifidellabon :

I will be fine, I'm sure of it, so no worrying. Y'know, in a friendly way...Yes, things are a bit rough, but I feel sure that it will be better soon. I'm not quite certan of what is going on, but---I've always come through everything before, no reason to see why things would change in that regard! Frankly, I feel a bit guilty feeling this way, since life is so sweet! But I am living proof that you can be achingly lonely even with your dear ones all about you. XOFifi

from saudades :

Thanks for the note, EB. :)

from swimmmer72 :

The only difference is that I've left mine up on purpose! You would think that people would use more reverse psychology on you, huh... ;) P.S. I did it again! Noted myself! Just call me the excitable boy... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

YAY!!!! The pic is back! BTW, have you come across the Patron Saint of Refridgerator Clutter? No, I'm not making fun of your fridge, as you'll see as soon as I get a comparison pic up! Get some sleep! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

And yes, I can relate to the need for butterflies... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Man of the hour was already gone, but I definitely appreciate the gesture with the other pic in question. Not to say your place looks a lot like mine, but I'll going to post some pics that show a distinct similarity or two. My apologies on lack of sleep! I feel at least partly responsible for my insistence on sending all those late night notes! ;)

from mzbee :

I just looked up patron saint of teachers/educators. http://saints.sqpn.com/pst00707.htm

from swimmmer72 :

Blue, you can take pictures of whatever you want with no complaints from me besides their typically temporary status. Yes, I hope the EconoGods are watching over you today! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I'll trust in your convictions if you trust in mine; my conviction being that it is only a matter of time before the "challenge" you present be answered in a meaningful, and long-lasting way. You simply have too much to offer. ;) P.S. I just mistakenly noted myself! We must find a better way!!! ;)

from swimmmer72 :

yeah, a "challenging match"... HAH!! I like that, and it does seem to be a good description for both of us. ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I'm on the same page as you on that one. There is really no shortage of eligible women around here, and sometimes, I find myself considering very nice, intelligent women only to realize that either the necessary spark isn't there or they simply aren't a good match, especially since I'm not exactly typical myself. But, I've gone much longer than you without dating and I get caught up in the idea that I'm being too picky and shouldn't be QUITE so selective. With which the devil's advocate answer is that I'm past the point of experimenting and will wait until a lightning bolt or some other sign from the LOVE GODS hits me over the head. Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.... ;)

from swimmmer72 :

Question: Is it more that you know what you want but are unsure whether you want to go there and possibly be disappointed OR that you are having a hard time actually finding THAT person? Is the search more daunting than the discovery? Those are the questions I have been asking myself, and I can't actually say with any degree of certainty if any of those factors are what is holding me up. I'm glad your long day is over! ;)

from boxx9000 :

MORE pictures please. I LOVE plants but I'm not the best caretaker. I either over love them or ignore them. (sigh) I'll do better once the summer weather is here to stay and I get a little time OFF work. What do you do with your place when you travel??

from swimmmer72 :

Yes, I was kidding about the quilt! I'm glad you realized that. I have a couple hanging around myself in the winter for curl-up-on-the-couch-days. I just got my first new couch/recliner EVER last fall. If I don't end up living in a RV, my second choice is the recliner, Just park my in the woods somewhere, as long as it has a nice view. My plant survival tip: buy cactus! :)

from swimmmer72 :

The outside is nice, too. It looks like you live in a nice neighborhood, with or without the snow. AND, yet another Blue pic! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Nice pics of the inside! They compare well with the background of yesterday's deleted classics, which made me think you had an awful lot of quilts! :) Your place definitely fits your online persona - classy, vibrant, artistic. It's a shame about the Guinness... :/

from swimmmer72 :

re: "You're really an outside option for me. You're pretty much too old to have children." I don't know what amazes me the most: that he would even think something like that in a forum designed to put your best foot forward OR that he had the nerve to email it to you! Trouble is, and I think you know this with your world-wide travels, that there is this segment of mindset in men all over the world. I'd like to think it's a minority, but after reading about experiences like yours, I'm not sure. :(

from swimmmer72 :

I'm going to try to be concise enough to do this in two notes. First, thank you for your continued notes and comments. I love the feedback from you and others! Second, yes, I'll explain the tree entry soon. It started out as an analogy on new relationships, but blended into an idea that has been bouncing around in the back of my brain for a couple months. It came to me in a "lightbulb" moment and the last line was strictly for some off-the-wall irony that I couldn't resist throwing in there. It's too late for good evening, so I'll just say sweet dreams... :)

from swimmmer72 :

Your notes made perfect sense, and PLEASE, you never have to APOLOGIZE for leaving a third note! The intriguing part of your pictures (or any from this type of forum) was that I got to know you through your words first, and of course formed a mental image, as you are quite expressive. THEN, when you finally posted your picture (the cow entry), it fit in a way I still haven't put my finger on. You are right - you are attractive and intelligent and virtually NONE of that comes across as well in one or two dimensions as it does in full, live 3D. At least, that is my guess. I'm also guessing you're getting 2 or 3 notes back in order to fully respond. What a way to communicate, huh? ;)

from swimmmer72 :

I guess I lucked out. By the time I finished the last note, both pics were gone. "sigh...."

from swimmmer72 :

Both pics bring out a certain aspect of your personality, but I think for the purpose of a dating site, the top one would be better as it has a certain shyness and vulnerability about it. You know, just to balance the "intimidation factor" that you are used to now... That's the one I like the most anyway. Your pictures you posted a few weeks ago were also very nice, too - friendly and fun-loving, and I bet they would work, too. If you are going to do it, there is no point in setting yourself up for failure - give it your best shot. :)

from fifidellabon :

Hey, Daffodil! I do admire your compassion, but I do have to point out that you are in no way lazy and meritless. If you say that about yourself, you say that about a friend of mine. Therefore I ought to be rushing to your defence, but FROM you, and it all gets so tangly and curly...so...don't cast aspersions near yourself, it is too rough on me! (HAH! I am such a princess!) Oh, and thank you so much for your words of advice! Support. You know. I'm totally over it, but NOT the part at how the Spawn will never know any better. Faugh! XOFifi

from boxx9000 :

I just wanted to say, *hi.* I found you thru Swimmer72. I had a professor at university from the congo. He was the BEST teacher and his class was my most fave. postmodernism.

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I have forgetten what I was going to say. But you deffo sounded to have had a good weekend. Happy Monday, welcome to the working week! xoFifi

from swimmmer72 :

It will be. :)

from swimmmer72 :

"Honk if you also loathe hockey" HaHa!! But, Blue, you might actually attract some positive attention that way since the Senators just got eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs! People will think you are actually a hockey fan in turmoil! Yes, go out and have some fun, I bet you look great! :)

from fifidellabon :

See now, how lucky is that? 5'7"! I think that I am taller than everybody else, but I lie and say that I am 5'4" but I am not really there yet. How silly is that?! Pee Ess that restaurant was so random and boring that Ned and I are home and it isn't even 9 pm yet!!! Time for some nicky-nacky-noo! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, that was the most beautiful entry! You are amazing! xoFifi Pee Ess I had always pictured you as being about 5' 2"!

from teranika :

:-) :-) :-) I happily forgive you for any past, present, and future outbursts about how gorgeous our baby is.. :-) :-) :-)

from swimmmer72 :

I've been writing more lately, too. It's mostly due to several new buddies that are both interesting and stimulating; you in particular. Much of what you write about are new topics for me, but every once in a while you write something that makes me think I'm reading my own diary - that's how familiar it is. Anyway, spring is always a time for new beginnings and I'd say we're BOTH ready for something at least slightly different to rock our world. I'm glad you're writing so much. :)

from teranika :

I'd forgotten about his ripe scent. ugh. You are a saint. I wonder what K thinks about the move to funcouver. We are both aware that moves are always expensive. I think more than anything he questions whether or not it is really necessary for her to have US citizenship. I think ultimately it will be worth to have the option to work in three different economies. Of course, we will drop around $5k in airline tickets this year...

from teranika :

K especially loves Schubert, too. Well, it sounds like a kinda lovely evening.....

from swimmmer72 :

HAHAHAHA!!! Beaches AND sleeping??? Those are two separate things? No wonder I never tried online dating!! I'm INTIMIDATED by the competition!!!! I think your instincts are right on this one! Have a great weekend! :)

from swimmmer72 :

Thanks for your gracious comments! It sounds like you are keeping yourself busy in a social kind of way, and that's a good thing, but I can also appreciate the need for a little bit of quiet "me" time. Enjoy your week! :)

from fifidellabon :

Brilliant entry! Never a borefest!!! And deffo, it is gumption! XOFifi

from elliestuff :

thanks for the comment. hey, you keep enjoying that spring weather. I hope those other pangs will stay way that you're having.

from elliestuff :

Sounds like a good night in spite of everything.

from swimmmer72 :

re: dating, part two: I think it depends on what you want out of it (the date). If you are just looking to meet people and the internet doesn't scare you, then online might work. I've never tried it, unless you consider developing a relationship through someplace like d-land, and even that has had it's share of surprises.. If you're really looking for something more potentially serious, and it seems like that is what you want, I don't think there are any shortcuts. It simply requires spending time with groups/people with similiar interests and taking the time to see where it goes. Which, unfortunately, is also pretty random. I run into a good one about every 5 years, usually when I least expect it. Good luck. I hope you find something that works for you. :)

from teranika :

I just caught up on your life - oy. Those drummers. Prolific little buggers, do ya think? Oh Bluey - you are very very cool, and this makes me think that someone will come your way. And besides, you will be in Italia soon!

from fifidellabon :

AMEN to what Mariastuart said! "lol"...BAH! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Dude. It isn't an excess. It's the same as I would treat any friend. I know that you are a daffodil, also, and I don't forget that. You are no pity project. If you were, I wouldn't be able to read you! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

I just read about that drummer man! Oh, why is it always like that!! I so know that feeling. Anyway, someone who writes "lol" in every sentence :s is definitely not someone for you :)

from hungryghost :

Although I hate terms of insult that capitalize on the inherent misogyny of our culture, I must say: this person is a serious douchebag. Please do not give it another moment's thought.

from fifidellabon :

Well, Bluey, I am going to tell you some things. Like---gasp!---I have had dry spells in the dating world myself. I once read somewhere, though, that humans require touch and so I researched this and found that it was true. SO. I did something about it. I thought of my lack of touch as a serious health issue and I found a massage therapist that I clicked with and really formed a bond. I went weekly, but that might be expensive, monthly might do it. Also, even in marriage, you can need human touch, so I did end up with another massage therapist for a while, up until I had Biba. Then time got all curly and odd, so there wasn't much of it. I have a spa day every now and then even now, but I have Biba who is always climbing on me and doing my hair, and Ned...you know...'cause..y'know... but so what I am getting to is that perhaps a massage therapist is in order. For me I considered it as a medical necessity, not a luxury. I do not want to seem to boss you all about, so just consider this another demented memo from Fifiland. I am truly glad that you are such a daffodil! Best of all to you! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Wel, it is just all right if you laugh now. Think of him as flirting practice, all the better for you. I have got to say, though, that I deffo didn't see THAT coming! And I'd have commented sooner but I just got back online. Well, I think that your plan of multi-dating sounds perfect, and also, you didn't do anything wrong. You have got to remember that always. Dude was dishonest. Probably because you dazzled him! YOU get to walk off free and clear, no worries, and HE has to live wih decisions that he's made. But it doesn't say anything in the slightest negative about you. Ned would say "You're golden" I just know it. You keep that sassy sass of yours, and don't even think of letting someone take it away! You are soooo rockin'! Plus, you could think of it this as, you got the buzz, rush and tingle without any of the complications. This time. Enjoy now, because it is the only now that we have. I think that your little adventure was brill, and you'll deffo get to tell the story for laughs. XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

"give more people a chance to get it" That was it. Definitely something I can relate to. :)

from swimmmer72 :

I don't mean to make jokes over your hurt - I really don't. Relationships are tough and you're dealing with some distinct disappointment, understandably so. You said something that rang a bell with me - giving people a chance, something like that - and I recognized something a pattern I've seen in myself, maybe in a different way. I get independent to a fault, and occasionally need to remind myself that I have to knock down at least a few of my walls, otherwise no one else will EVER get all the way inside. I hope you find the way that works for you. :)

from swimmmer72 :

Because, just so you know.... None of those tests on the GOUT were completely conclusive.... :) I hope I am making you laugh.

from swimmmer72 :

So.... Let me get this straight... Is CRAZY a deal breaker too? :)

from fifidellabon :

Hah! I caught that little bit of Christmas from you! (No el) xoFifi

from swimmmer72 :

re: perfect guy. Ok, the profile never changes and it seemingly isn't a person that actually exists. Your choices are: settle for less than the perfect guy or have faith that he is out there somewhere. Only you can answer that. I know I'm a dreamer who won't settle and that works for me when I consider the alternative. Patience. You'll be ok. :)

from fifidellabon :

Wait, maybe he shouLd be kind! I've been having an ELL of a time with the Ells, have I not? xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Don't forget "kind". He shoud be kind. xo Fifi

from fifidellabon :

I like when you update. I would miss it if it were not there. Ye Gods (and little fishes) (I got that fom a play) can it be that I am dependant on you?! Happy daffodil day! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I know. Well, then you are pretty idolicious yourself! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Dag, Bluey, I wish that I had your e-mail, then I'd write you even more volumes! In the cold sober light of day I do have to say that my entry of last night? Still stands!!! BWAH-hahahahaaaaa! But as a fellow Anglican I have to remind you that as we are instructed by a kind and well meaning parental being, we should have no idols. The reason, which I have worked out so it must be the correct one, is that all idols will eventually let you down. But I am seriously touched by your sentiments. Funny, I always see myself first and foremost as beng extremely shallow. You are so deep and thoughtful. Now, about the drummer dude, Guinness has no wheat in it (As far as I know, and HEY! as far as Ned knows as well!) so you should deffo take that drummer dude up on his offer. Call him up or something, because I am thinking what is the very worst that can happen? Free beer! Maybe he can teach you to drum. Celtic music, Guiness, a dude...LET yourself, won't you? You don't have to love him or anything! Just have a good time. (Although I have to say, good hygiene is essential!) Wow, it just struck me that you, I think, must be one of the most honest people ever. I admire that! Hell to be in the dating world, what with all the buffing of turds or whatever you call it, when people make themselves shine by whatever means. I am really rambling, but my point, and I do have one (to quote Ellen) is that I am really happy that you are feeling so good and doing so well, because you deserve all good things! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

Re: dating. I think everyone ends up with the person they think they deserve. That can be either good or bad, obviously, so the key is to truly believe that you deserve someone good and to set your standards accordingly. You obviously have a lot to offer - intelligence and beauty for starters - so, you decide what you want. Personally, I'm a firm believer that a bad relationship is worse than no relationship at all, but that's just me. If anything, I'm just as analytical as you are, but it doesn't keep me from having fun. :)

from teranika :

your description of the actuary reminds me of the J Mitchell song 'the last time I saw richard' - richard got married to a figure skater and he bought her a dishwasher and a coffee percolator - lines only joni can write. I'm still trying to imagine a plastic frog paper holder w/o much success...

from blighty :

Bluey, you are NOT, let me repeat NOT a beggar. Smart, self-relective, perhaps a tad over-analytical, but never ever a beggar.

from swimmmer72 :

So... let me get this straight... Is gout a deal-breaker? ;)

from blighty :

Let me throw my vote in too. You certainly deserve someone better than a guy who acts like he's in high school. Asking about your passions and saying you have great legs, and then nothing? That comes up as male waste of space on everyone's radar. By the way, I think your treatise on Beijing and the olympics is perfect. I like to watch the olympics but always prefer to watch other, less hyped, competitions. Having said that, I will enjoy watching the rhinos and the soda bottles battle it out at the London marathon this weekend. Not running it this year. Sticking to 10ks.

from swimmmer72 :

I have to agree with you. Asking you about your passions is a loaded question and then to follow up with NOTHING has got to make you wonder just where the heck his mind is at. Having said that, you seem to like things more direct than that, i.e., got something on your mind? Come out and say it. If he can't, he's not your guy. My diary is still down and unless Dland gets involved (something they've shown no inclination to do so far) I'm probably going to recreate myself with a new screenname. I'll let you know when/if I do. BTW, I don't really know you at all, barely started reading your diary, live probably 300 or more miles away, BUT, you DO have a lot going for you and I'm thinking that you can do what you want ON YOUR TERMS and not wait for someone who can't decide what he wants to do. You can do better. :)

from ivyparker :

Just found your diary. Good to be skeptical.

from mariastuart :

You can always try to call him back, the one from the drumming circle. Isn't it this easy? :) Maybe you can invent a "stupid" question so you have to call him and then say something about having a drink...

from swimmmer72 :

You are intimidating????!!! What do you do - beat them up? I mean, what is it that you do that seems to intimidate people? Not just because you are smart and a super runner, I hope? Anyway, for the record, you can kick my arse in a distance race and probably the short ones, too, BUT, I'm not afraid of you. So there. :)

from swimmmer72 :

Yep, no template. I went in to tweak it a bit - a spring header to replace the winter one, and the whole thing disappears. Haven't been able to re-install anything, not my current template, old template, or dland template, so now I'm waiting on Andrew. Hope it doesn't take long! Thanks for the note! :)

from hungryghost :

That dude must be seriously shy. Or weird. All your photos are super cute! Although the prom one looks as if all three of you are cardboard cutouts of yourselves in a very strange way.

from fifidellabon :

You call (note the "l"s!) him right back and remind him that he forgot to ask you out! xoFifi

from saudades :

He called just to tell you about a picture? Men are puzzling creatures... Hmmm, maybe he's shy? I have no idea... But it doesn't mean that you have any problem with men -- it just means the guy doesn't know how to ask someone out. So don't worry, EB!

from swimmmer72 :

Well, you had a long entry and I'm going to write a long note. First, I know the exact feeling you're having with running. "Want to" vs "should." I've always loved running, but I got to a mindset where I was getting pissed off at myself if I wasn't hitting the 6:45 miles I wanted. Now, I try to not look at the watch. I've done one marathon and will never do another. It wasn't that I blew my knee out at mile 12 and hobbled through the remaining miles, although that definitely doesn't encourage me. Mostly, I don't want to waste all summer doing really LONG runs when all I really want to run is 5K's. BTW#1: I'm no where near a 2 hour marathon. My one and only was closer to 5, although before the knee thing I was on pace to be under 4 hours. BTW#2: while not trying to be flirtatious, I did see all your self-pics before you had second thoughts and deleted some, and feel compelled to say that you are a very attractive woman. :)

from blighty :

great picture. COWS!! There's the classic Far Side cartoon that has the cows standing and chatting til the car comes by, then they quickly return to looking like COWS!!! We do the same thing for the ocean. SEA!! SEA!!! I think it comes from growing up thousands of miles inland.

from mariastuart :

Yes, so true about letting go. I should better think less and just act! Thanks for your great advice and note :)

from fifidellabon :

OH, how I love that picture! I rahther wish that I was there right now, just for a minute or two...xoFifi

from teranika :

brava! great day for you.

from teranika :

brava! great day for you.

from fifidellabon :

No, you SHOULD admit that! Because it DOES feel good to let a bully hang themselves out to dry!! I think that it is bloody marvelous what you did and I cheer for you!!! Keep up the good work! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, yes, even more goods! Brave Bluey! Honest Bluey! Fabulous Bluey! Amazing good work! I think that Biba and I are going to work "BLUE and YELLOW are OPPOSITES!" into the Opposite Game. Well, I am really proud of you and I know that Ned would be too. And will be when I tell him. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

GOOD for you!! REALLY good! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Just a thought, but the tightening of the chest etc. sounds like a flight-or-fight reaction to the fact that Monday is coming. Sadly, it seems that your workplace is toxic to you. That only means that you will find another better place. As for the hating to admit that you are smart, (nay brilliant!) happens all the time. For whatever reasons, women are taught to downplay themselves. (Except for T&A, how convenient...) I say go think their collective ass out of the room! Yay! What else? I think that my fear of pride comes from religion and Greek mythology. Oh, the mother thing. Yes, mine has a tendency to squish things mindlessly. Her default reaction is negative. Which is funnny, as that is the way her mum was and it used to drive her bazoo! I only pray that I shall not turn out that way for Biba. Vigilance! Have a wonderful week! XOFifi

from swimmmer72 :

I've been enjoying your entries on running. Although my own intensity in races and workouts isn't what it used to be, I still find myself getting overly competitive (despite myself) when I see another runner ahead of me on the trail. It got bad for a while, and I had to eventually dial it back as it wasn't fun anymore. For the most part, I've been able to adapt to other, less competitive activities (biking, hiking, kayaking, photography) for my outlet. Sore knees, hips, and ankles have helped this process, although I still run whenever I'm in the mood, which is often. Anyway, I enjoy your diary and your frequent updates. :)

from blighty :

Congrats for taking the plunge and booking it all! It sounds like an excellent trip, and think of all the times you can say to yourself "I CAN get that and that and that for myself because I am staying in a hostel and not a glitzy hotel." Italian leather...

from saudades :

Hey, EB, that sounds great! I'm happy for you! And who knows, you may meet interesting characters at a hostel more readily than at a hotel, I imagine. ?? It sounds like this adventure will be a lot of fun! Three cheers for that.

from mariastuart :

So you are going to Italy!!! Great news :)

from fifidellabon :

Oh yes, deffo, here's to an Amazing Ride! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, I am still thinking about the "lonely" comment and I hurt for you if you are lonely. Because you are so fun, and funny and witty and smart and cute and fashionable and strong...there are a lot of dudes out there who are seriously missing out. Much love! XOFifi

from hungryghost :

Isn't it nice when the new voice pops up, and you feel like it's going to take over your life and finally whip it into shape like some young maverick CEO? Except yours sounds more positive and Zen than that, and also makes much more sense. Fingers crossed about the solution to the hurt, gluten or otherwise. Either you'll still be able to eat yummy bread, or you'll have figured out the problem finally... and both are good.

from saudades :

Oh, I am worried for you about the gluten problem! Have you seen a doctor? I hope that you are well, and it would be nice if it were not that and you didn't have to give up your bread. :( Thanks for the note you left me, you are so kind, I am really flattered. Well, about your job, I think you are handling it very well. Soon enough you will leave it behind, as it has not proved to be what you hoped. You can find something that really fulfills you, and I know you will! :) I admire you, too!

from fifidellabon :

Oh, excellent week to go! There is a birthday at the Casa Della Bon Bon and also Ned's and my anniversary that week, and we've traveled it often. I do believe that I gave Ned his first wedding gift in the air, possibly over Newfoundland on the way to Ireland! Remember, Bluey, you have earned this. Don't you dare back out!! Also, I clicked that link. I wonder, shall I go with you? ; ) Look! I used an emoticon! It's suposed to be winking, but it doesn't really look that way. Eh, Happy Monday. A big congratulatory luncheon happens for me today. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Well, Bluey, you have been wanting to go to Italy for a while now. I think that you totally deserve to go. That is what I would vote for if I had a vote. I think that time off goes much more quickly when one stays at home. And plus, if you went to Italy, you could buy lovely, lovely shoes! Just remember to check the mg of sodium on your mineral water. There is one kind that is this "miracle healthful water" but that is the one to go for ( I don't remember the name...) because the miracle is that there is not sodium in it. Oh, and Pee Ess, if you are going to tutor, you must charge for it and I do believe that $90/hour is the minimum that you should consider. A tutor was teaching two tooters to toot...XOFifi

from saudades :

Thanks, EB, I have been following the diaries but have neglected my own a bit! Thanks for your caring comment! Exercise and sunshine would definitely help. :) I'm going to be a bit more active this week, I think. And wow, I know what you mean about tutoring people. Sometimes I get myself involved in things like that. And then I have too much on my plate, too! But maybe it will be fun. Take care, dear EB, have a great week!

from mariastuart :

I think this sentence of you was very "interesting": I never want to be seen as the girl who is fishing. Hmmm, there is so much truth and wisdom in it. I recognise this but was never able to describe it as that. This is one of the keys to happiness :) Realise this and work on it! You can also fish on a very subtle way so I think we have to first learn this, feel good about it and then act natural about it.

from fifidellabon :

Hey, I will toot your big ol' horn as well! You are a dream! Always setting goals anf taking action. Even if one tenth the people were like you, imagine what a wonderful world! XOFifi

from raven72d :

SO what does the Good Fight entail?

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, could it be that you are being bullied at work? I've just read an article in the NYT the other day, I think it was Wednesday, about that in the "well" section, I think. At any rate that is completely possible that this is what is happening to you. I think that you are right, it is deffo time to move on as soon as ever you've fulfilled time requirements. By the way, your insights into angry people were brilliant. I was nervous after I posted that because I avoid controversy as much as I can. xoFifi

from cakerface :

Chiefs have a magnificent knack for turning people into complete mush. Welcome to teh Navy!

from teranika :

First, from one ranter to another: I know the pleasure of which you speak!! Secondly, UGH. I remember the first time I learned the phrase "Entertainment Center." WHA??? I vowed never to own one! You know what, I think I have one now... although I lack all connections with TV and cable. We have a 20-in computer monitor, a dvd player, a stereo, and a computer server of gazillion .mp3 and video files... that's what happens when you live with a computer wonk.

from teranika :

that was a truly brilliant rant.

from fifidellabon :

Wow. Nothing could beat that day of yours! Better today! xoFifi

from teranika :

A beauty of Canada: health care and maternity leave. You do get time to adjust to the little one. I was reflecting yesterday that I simply didn't love the first month. It wasn't romantic and beautiful. It was work. And in fact, for most of yesterday, I wanted to have my old life back, where I didn't have to multi-task and be ueber efficient. Life is very different now - your hormones prepare you to accept the differences. And in some ways life has become better for me because I've been forced to relax. But yes, life is different and I'd be lying if I said I don't miss my previous life.

from teranika :

Actually, we'll be talking with our poker-playing tax accountant very soon. He's pretty helpful with these things. Hope you had a good Easter holiday! I heard from people from the big O that there has been OOGABS of snow!!! They hate it (they must have cars).

from fifidellabon :

And OH how I wish that we took Easter Monday off down here...xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

No, no, Bluey, it wasn't about you that I wrote about. It was why I simply can't read the raven. (Perhaps I've misunderstood him. Thought it was a woman at first...) There are those who for whatever reasons think that they deserve the best without having to put forth anything to merit it. Then they get all woe-is-me when they don't get what they want. No, you, my friend are as they say A-OK. Your honesty is refreshing and valuable. I'd hate it if you became all glib and shallow like me. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

BWAH! hahahaaaaa! I wrote about poo! Well, I can see exactly about what you are saying re: the rav. Thing is, whenever there is an element of self-pity, then I see the self-defeat and self-destruct, not to mention an underlying sense of entitlement that leads to bittereness when not fulfilled, and I see that things will not get any different, so what is the use of reading? Well, I do hope that your Easter has gotten happier. I am waaaayy too sated! xoFifi

from raven72d :

No Parmesan-- I don't eat cheese at all --but otherwise the salad sounds brilliant.

from mariastuart :

I've been searching for it in the last 3 days. Still haven't found the perfect one so I bought a green one instead but not an expensive one so I can also buy a yellow one. (yep, that's typical me..) And this is so funny but when I wear yellow, I think about you :) I always say to myself: "I feel like a daffodil!". This is the BEST expression I've ever heard in years!! And guess what? What did I also buy today? A daffodil top! Yellow will be the color of the summer :)Have a great Easter weekend too!

from fifidellabon :

It's just a great big Hello Kitty head! She loves it, but then I am a fan of the Kitty as well. She gets the reading behaviour from me! xoFifi

from raven72d :

Thanks! Please feel invited to read along and comment... I'm looking forward to reading along with you...

from saudades :

I so know what being broke at university is like, and walking miles in the snow to get to school. Thankfully I don't have to do that anymore. Money schmoney, that's quite right. :)

from raven72d :

You're a delightful random find.

from saudades :

Hi EB! Oh, I do hope for the best regarding the veggie provider situation. Having the right food is so important. :)

from mariastuart :

Bioth3rm! The best there is, I only wear B face cream :) I use the Aquas0urce line and I love the superserum. Even my deodorant is from Bioth3rm.

from fifidellabon :

Little pots of lip gloss! Ridiculous little sparkly pins! Silly earrings! YES! That should all go into the Easter Basket. And you simply must make one for you as well! And a big slab of meat---that goes in mine. (Ooooh! Taken out of context, that's obscene, albeit fun!) XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

You ARE going to be absolutely fine! Because you already are. Your post was inspiring! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Btw Fifi writes good novels :) I've this Maya child in Guatemala and I'm a bit ashamed to say that I've only wrote her twice, thanks for reminding me! I really should write her although I don't know what to tell her :s I bought a few months ago a postcard for her from London but she is very poor so I don't know if she will appreciate the fact that I'm sending her cards from all those "glamorous" places. I think I'm going to describe it as something "geographical" to share with her, so she can learn about things in the world. And if I had to choose between bking and italy it would be ITALY! But only foe the pasta :) No, I so LOVE Italy, I've been there once two weeks with the whole 6th grade of our school. In Belgium, all last years to a trip abroad. It was great, so great! We saw Perugia, Siena, Orvieto, Florence (room with a view!!), Pisa, Rome, Assisi and several other places. We even saw the pope and even while I don't agree with him, it was a special moment. Also to visit Vatican city. Ciao bella!

from fifidellabon :

Hee! look, I wrote a novel!

from fifidellabon :

Bah! Of course you are worth the time and efforts of people! Maybe even more so. As to your "Why" questions? Because. It's what people do. We make messes and we get ourselves out of them and we help our friends who have done the same and well, a long list of becauses. As for the stupid and unworthy? Well, you can cross that right out of your mind. I have the good fortune to be able to observe tons of human behavs. Guess what? TONS of people think that they are stupid, even men! And guess what? Many are correct! Every one of us has a degree of stupidity. Neither good nor bad, just simply is. It's ones with never a thought or question in their minds? Stupid, stupid stupid. However, on the good news front, stupidity never seems to be a barrier to success. Some of the most successful people that I know of are complete boneheads. Frankly I'm not certain if a percentage of boneheadedness might be a good thing! Now, listen. If 90% of you thinks that God has left the museum, then 10% must think that He is still there. That makes you more fortunate in matters of faith than many. Why not just ask that 10% of you to do what it can and just leave it up to that? Say a prayer and let it go at that. Clearly at your Workplace, you have what is known as a Bad Fit. I suspect that nobody there has the slightest bit if imagination. Lucky you, you have tons! See, already you are ahead, ouais? Now, what to do. I do not know if you have time obligations before you can go to a new place or not. If you do, and you must fulfill them, use that time as time to study what is out there and where you want to be. And to network, both professionally and socially. Remember, nothing is forever. You might want to stay in Ottawa to make Ottawa money to take somewhere else. Maybe not. But if I were your sister, I'd say that the search should be measured and steady, not all rabbity. Just remember that your feelings are valid and that your instincts are good. There is still a trajectory upwards should you desire that, and I think that that is the path that I would take. You may have to move laterally to get some wiggle room. BUT, remember this, Value Yourself. The business world will not. Business is business, not personal. That will never change for the most part. You work with zombies right now, but that will not last. You know, there is another option. You could do what I did, and have a frank talk with whomever passes for your fearless leader. True, my situation is different, becasue I don't really work corperately. More like a small group of independant loons. Hmmm. Looks as if I m losing focus and starting to blether...We are all On Your Side and cheering you on. XOFifi

from mariastuart :

That was very honest of you but I think sometimes it's good to be honest to yourself. I'm 100 % sure it can only help people. You know what surprises me? That you think you are unworthy and that you didn't deserve the attention of the people you went to lunch with. Of course you do :) We all do, that's why we have friends and people around us, so they can help us. It's not bad to ask some help to others, sometimes you can even be surprised how much they can help you and how much they love it to help you. A big hug from across the ocean :)

from saudades :

Oh, EB, it just has been a terrible week at work, hasn't it? :( I'm sorry. But I am here to remind you that you are not stupid or unworthy; you have to realize that you deserve to be loved. Deep down, we all struggle with our fears or demons. Some days (or weeks) just cannot get worse, it seems. But if it is any consolation, you do not have to apologize for honoring your feelings as you say. You are a very strong girl. There's nothing "flakey" in having an honest moment when you need emotional release; it's so good that your friends were they to support you. Don't feel bad. ((Hugs))

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Alan Rickman, of course! Well, Bluey, I have had a horrible day as well. I am thinking of finding a new Orkplace. I start my search tonight. After D-land, of course. xoFifi

from teranika :

I with on Alan Rickman. He's on my list.

from saudades :

Oh, thank you so much for the advice, EB! That really helps me to understand how to stretch. I went to the website you found, and I am also going to make a note of your post-cycling stretches. Got it, I will be careful, so as not to hurt myself (very important) and also do this relaxingly! I hadn�t thought about looking for a yoga book at the library. What a good idea, I am sure they have some. And about your job experiences, I am sorry that you feel low today. But if you�re thinking about qualities you would like in your next job, then that can only be good. This process that you are beginning right now can help you to define what you want to do more clearly, and once you know where your heart and mind are, then you can go for it. For now, there is always something to brighten the daily grind, even if it is only the coffee break! Like Goethe said, �See the good lies so near�!� (Only learn to search good fortune, for good fortune�s always here). �Now THAT I used to have in a calendar. Yes, some days nothing seems to lie near or elsewhere, does it? But philosophically, one day it might make sense. J I�ve a friend who shares your first name; she is quite lovely and very accomplished, like you; and she is also working in something that is not exactly her passion. She is in med school, but I don�t think it fulfills her. So I told her this: we can always reinvent ourselves. Look at me, I should know�Hahaha.. Now EB, have a good and pleasant evening and make time for yourself, you hard-working girl, you!

from saudades :

Oh, and also: I would just ignore the snobby girl in the French class. So much beauty and love in the world, no time for those who are oblivious to kindness and camaraderie's meanings.

from saudades :

Dear EB, I must respond to your entry of the 9th about our society and its illnesses. You're such a wonderful person, I can just tell. It sounds like you've been thinking about more meaningful work and a more nourishing environment for us all. There's so much I want to comment on!, and I don't want to leave you a book, but it just moves me. I couldn't agree more, why do we focus on such superficial things when our society and culture are going through a spiritual famine? And not only spiritual, but also something that interest me is the right to dignity in life. The anecdote about the aboriginal man is one example of that. How can we marginalize so easily in this culture... Well, EB, like Mariastuart said, not grumpy at all- just a thinking entry! And like Fifi said, we do love you tons. :) Here's to the future, I am sure you will leave this drudge of a job behind soon and focus on work that is rewarding and meaningful to you, on all levels.

from fifidellabon :

Well, we all love you and you aren't virtually alone, that is for certain. As for the freakazoid in French class, tell her "Vas te faire foutre, vache!" Ned says "You're not alone!" See, he understands. Well, this too, like gas, shall pass. And what's a bit of introspection, after all. Plus, you have integrity. Yay, Bluey! XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

No, it was a good and thoughtful entry. By aboriginal are you talking Inuit etc? I know what you mean about wanting to help. I can only throw money at things and hope that it will help. XOFifi

from mariastuart :

This doesn't sound as a grumpy entry to me! In contrary, you have very strong ideas. Nice to hear that you think also about the world and the people that live in it. The world needs people like you. Not everyone is able to "feel" what is going on. Be glad you are :)

from saudades :

Awww, thank you so much for your words. They mean a lot to me. You're very thoughtful. I agree, we have similar experiences. For example, my grandmother was also very important in my life. <3

from saudades :

You're so sweet, thank you so much for the moral support about exercise. It's hard for me, but I'm at least taking small steps toward more healthy living. I'm having a hard time following diaries these days, but I just caught up with yours. You are so lovely, definitely. I'm glad that you are enjoying life, dear EB. Blast that music ... Oh, and I don't like that we lose an hour of sleep with the clock change. Hehe.

from fifidellabon :

Bah! Being nice all the time is highly overrated! XOFifi

from mariastuart :

Yellow is such a nice color! I've bought a yellow sweater a while ago and it makes you feel like the sun, yes even like a daffodil :)Have a great weekend with lots of fun!

from teranika :

hey blighty and i are both watching persuasion tonight!! and i think i forgot to reply before - i am definitely looking forward to a coffee with you if you make it to funcouver in june!!!

from fifidellabon :

Oooohh! Shame about the knee. I biffed mine but good a year ago, but it only took six months or so to heal completely. Good luck with it! XOFifi

from mariastuart :

J*n F*bre! You know he's a Belgian? He used to have his art studio right around the corner of my home. He moved a few months ago. I like him a lot, certainly his performances and sculptures. Even our queen adores him. Be prepared to see some naked flesh. I could be wrong but Fabre = naked people on the stage... Anyway, it may be a busy week but with tons of nice things to do!

from fifidellabon :

You are not a Ninny, you silly! I think that it is awesome that you would be thinking of Alexander Graham Bell on his birthday. Do you totally rock, or what?! I was thinking about the white clothing. What if, just what if you were to find a dress, a lovely Spring dress that was mostly white but with small flowers sprigged here and there. You would look adorable! I love dresses like that. I probably shouldn't tell you that I was wearing one like that the night that I first met Ned. It signfies nothing! I had had that dress for simply ages! Please pass the wine and chocolate! XOFifi

from mariastuart :

Thank you for your note, it's very very much appreciated.

from saudades :

I'm sorry you weren't feeling well. Do you get migraines often? I hope you feel better!

from fifidellabon :

You are incredible, and I am very proud of you! You are right where I was before I met Ned. Actually right before I met The Ninny. (All ex-boyfriends have nicknames...) Very freeing, isn't it?! And the thigh thing? I am very proud of what I call my "man legs". I have very little fat in my thighs but very good muscle. You can poke at my quads and they are like rocks! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Wow, you're so rock my world. I wish I could make the same decisions as you and feel good about it. I'm also coming to the conclusion that I'm meant to stay alone. So I'm starting to think how I can put this aspect in my life and do some things on my own, to enjoy them by myself. I don't like it but there are some things to do by yourself and to feel good about it. For example, buy yourself lovely flowers, spend a few hours in Ikea and see what nice things you cvan buy to make my home even more cosy. I'm planning to see some movies on my own and some exhibitions. (I already went to one last Friday) It are little things, but then can help.

from mariastuart :

Hmm, things are still the same but I'm going to ignore it, just like I've been ignoring all those other things in the past years. I'm very good at ignoring :s Anyway, what a nice job to help with the foodbank.

from saudades :

I know what you mean, especially about the development. It is very dismal. :( I didn't mean for it to sound as if I were blaming Americans as a whole.. I just think there's a lack of emphasis on this kind of information to the citizens; like you say, the government's information system and its interests rule.

from saudades :

What an abyss...! It's horrible to think about. Inconceivable. :( It is something to think about indeed, especially for Americans who are so oblivious to it all, I observe. Though that of course, is a big generalization, but it's just inconceivable to me how they ever re-elected this administration, for example.... :S ....

from fifidellabon :

Oh, my, things are looking up Up UP! Yay! Oh, I do admire that you could stay at the party. I would deffo have had to say "Do you need someone to call your doctor, dear? " to the girlfriend. Also, wasn't she suppposed to be "on a break" with the PS? Geh, these things are soo messy at times. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

That was the perfect six word love story. That you thought of at the concert. xoFifi

from saudades :

[start learning, that is...;) ]

from saudades :

The only thing I've ever done is work with a latch hook. But I bet as you say, knitting and sewing must be so fun. I put it in my list of things to do. Now if only I could start. Thanks for your notes, they cheer me up. :)

from fifidellabon :

I had a Bad Fit once, back when I worked for Da Man. I tried to tough it out, but eventually I grew a spine. I actually had myself moved, but it went over in a spectacularly political way. Kind of awful, but I didn't care, I was OUT. I think that you will be fine. Oh, and imagining the Worst Case Scenario is supposed to be incredibly positive. I think that it is a tool in therapy, but I don't actually know which arena. xoFifi

from saudades :

Thanks for sharing the link to the podcast with me! I did listen to it, and I think I would like to read that book as well. This is partly because the author makes some arguments challenging to me. I focus a lot on literature aimed at improving your positive thinking, but I also have moments when I step back and think, what is life without the sadness and longing? I find that trying to be eternally happy and turning away from those other emotions that live in us, we stifle a connection to life as a whole. It just would be interesting to read, maybe to reflect in a more balanced way about what my purpose in life is, something about which I'm confused at the moment. I hope you have a great evening, and thanks once again. :)

from saudades :

Thank you. :) I read a little bit about the book through your link! Interesting. (Think of all the good art we would lose if melancholy did not exist). Sadness is a part of life, but I do think I indulge in it sometimes. Hope you're having a better day today! And that poet scientist sounds too boring for you! xoxo.

from fifidellabon :

Mon Dieu! That is EXACTLY why I would always tend to break things off early. Why in the world would you want to be the kind of person that stands in the way of another finding their happiness, especially when it's all about your comfort??!! GAH!! THAT, my friend, is a sin, at least in Fifi Land. I think that people should just trash the concept of comfort levels and go out there and X-TREME Date! Well, not to an abuser or anything, but why not go out there and date with enthusiasm and vigor? The worst that could happen is that you don't end up "in a relationship" right off, or possibly that you get used, but hell, comfort dating is horrible! By comfort dating, I mean that where everything is easy, there is no frisson of excitement, well, possibly I mean dull and stodgy. Speaking of comfort, what are your favourite comfort foods when you are in my shoes? I had some inari yesterday and something horrible this morning which I couldn't eat, but what are good Options for the Infirm in Bluey Land? Because I could use some ideas! Thanks! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Really! I mean WE live up to higher standards, why can't others? Why can't they even try?! People can be such weasels! But at least their bahavs can be a surefire way of weeding out the chaff! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Well, all right, I accept it, just as long as you are certain that you are not throwing something away because you now know that you can have it. I trust you. xoFifi

from teranika :

long live fruit cake economists - the world needs more of them - so keep hanging in there giving economics a good name ;-). I'm so out of touch... Whassup with the poet scientist???? uh oh.

from saudades :

I can read your diary since yesterday with a different browser! I'm happy about that.:):)

from fifidellabon :

Serious heat is good, very good. It's a gift. You don't have to do anything, therefore you don't have to be afraid. Also, I think that we all know that the poet scientist is not into his girlfriend in a forever way. But Bluey, heat is good. XOFifi

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, I am weak with laughter from the gangrenous limb sixer! Oh, seriously, there are tears, tear, I tell you! I am going to think seriously about words for you and also I will ask Ned because he is tremendously more diplomatic. XOFifi

from mariastuart :

This diary thing has even changed my life in the last months. All those notes, advices, nice things to give me hope and courage! You know, it makes us a happier person :) Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy it all!

from saudades :

Oh , I can't read your diary ever since my computer died! It just shows up black :( ... But I want to wish you a happy Valentine's day!! Because you're wonderful, read Mariastuart's entry and get inspired to just treat yourself today! Much love.

from blighty :

I am that mother all the time. Especially when I am least expecting it, like singing in the car, or (and this is the worst) absently ruffling the hair of the 11 year old. In public. OMG MUUUUM, you are like SO embarrassing. My own mother used to call me "Pussy" when she was cooing at me. I was never ever able to tell her exactly why it was MORTIFYING.

from fifidellabon :

I'll be THAT mother as well. I remember whining to my own mother "Moth-urrrrrrr, can't we just be NORmal for once?!" Of course now I am glad that we weren't. But she is now...sigh. And, of course you liked the snowflake one, I wrote it of you! xoFifi Pee Ess happy VD!

from fifidellabon :

Do you know what Biba and I are doing to get sparkles and macaroni and glue in our lives? Well, she has school, but we are making scrapbooks. No, not the fussy, professional ones, just a big spiral book (with heavy, blank pages) for each of us, filled with stickers, pictures cut from magasines and things like that. Little drawings, glitter glue! Today kicked my booty but good, so I've not had the time for sixers, but I intend to make them happen. xoFifi Pee Ess, this thought came unbidden to my head. Take the gifts of the poet scientist. Just take them as gifts. No thinking, no analysing etc. I know that it is hard, but just take the gifts. Why not? Gifts have no strings, and they are yours to do with what you will. That is all. xo again!

from blighty :

Prison, redemption follows murderous love triangle. HA! I'm gonna have to go think of some more now...

from mariastuart :

That six word love story idea is great! But also difficult! I'm again waiting for phonecalls that won't come so I've plenty of time to think right now.

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Ned didn't really have a drink for breakfast. I ought to have written "snorted with laughter"! We have however, had whisky for breakfast when camping, a time or two! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

My private universe is also one of my long time favorites! I so love Crowded house, this week I'm in love with "pineapple head", don't ask me why as I don't understand a word of the lyrics of this song. The meaning I mean :)I hear something about a shark & a spark...Anyway, I finally opened the mail, at 4 PM today. Amazing that I can wait that long, I'm even worse than Lucy Snow :)

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, that's almost exactly what I had imagned! Thanks for the deets. Now what I was thinking was this---OH! Oh, I can even really see it! They BOTH have to be ready at the same time! Neither of them is ready! But what to do about the girlfriend who seems to be ready? (Ooh, Ned was just talking about the 2006 Birthday Bourbon and how it is really good. So I asked him if he was having some for breakfast. He said "Sure!", waited about three beats and then snortd and laughed. Silly man!) ANYway, I do hope that the poet scientist decides that she is not for him. ( Pee Ess almost all scientists are awkward. It's the smooth ones that you must watch out for and beware. They can do major damage!) I do think that you should continue your associations with him, deffo, because if I am right, then he ought to be reminded of the Wonder That is You frequently enough so that he doesn't pine for the other (wrong) girlfriend. Really, Bluey, every man has his faults. I'm quite sure that Ned has some but they don't really spring to mind. (love as an eraser?) I will tell you this, though, when I was dating Ned, he did fail a major test, and I also went back to check out a previous boyfriend, and my family all thought that I was going to break up with Ned. (And they were furious with me!) See? Love is totally irrational, but oh, so sweet! xoFifi

from saudades :

Thank you, you're so lovely! ^_^ I'd never heard "Private Universe," but I went to see the video on y.t. Pretty! I've never read George Eliot, and I'm going to put her on my reading list.

from fifidellabon :

Me as well, I've had interesting thoughts about the poet scientist. Tell me, did you two ever date? Or was it sort of not the right time ever? xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Family and the way they act, can be so weird. Some things we will never understand about the human being. I've this "thing" with my father, well to be clear, I've totally nothing with him and he has nothing with the whole world, even not with himself. It can all be explained by family history, things that happen in some one's live and how their body and mind is working. Some people just aren't able to be in this world and to care about others. That's sad because we all need people and love...I used to follow a contextual therapy course based on the principles of Nagy, which was very confronting by the way but after a long time I had to conclude that people act in their live because of things in their childhood and their family history. Sometimes it even isn't their fault of acting so cold but I still have a problem with this part of the theory because even when it can be explained, it hurts. An explanation can't always help disappear the way we feel. Family relations can be a big struggle in life. So I just wanted to say that I feel for you about your mother. And about the clothes buying: good of you! Nice to hear I could inspire you :) I go shopping a lot but I never buy very expensive things (sometimes I do, the most expensive skirt I bought was even more than one month of rent in that time). But when I buy new clothes, every time I wear them, I feel good, I feel different so that's what matters. Even after a year I can enjoy the feeling of wearing some clothes. That's why I love clothes so much!

from saudades :

Yay! Congratulations on how you're feeling because of the athletic discipline you have. That is really amazing-- and inspiring! :0)

from fifidellabon :

Perhaps this is just your Year of Penitance. Or something. But yay for all the compliments! ( I always get "compliments"and "complements" mixed up!) I have some thoughts about A but I think that I am just not ready to put them down on paper yet. I meant, in writing! hee!Well, as to languages, I get the accents perfectly, right off. For example, two friends were teaching me yesterday to say "Happy New Year" and "I hope you have a good year and make a lot of money!" in Mandarin. They were all surprised that I could say it so well. But if you had asked me to repeat it one minute later, pffft! all is gone! My French accent is perfect, but my vocabulary is less intellectual than I'd have it. However, oddly enough, my English accent is all of a muddle! I've got that Cork hard "r" that simply will never die. Pee Ess don't purposely dress down for A because it does a disservice to you. Wear what you like, let others sort out their baggage. You are a kind woman, trying to make things easier for others, aren't you?! Me? I am a selfish git! Yay! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

That was just the most sincere and heartwarming note from you. Thank you! You deffo made my evening! It only took me how long to answer? Beacon, huh? Well, most of the time I really feel more like a bacon. ( Truly, that is humbling and giddy-making all at once. I'm deffo not your average role model...) Actually, our newspaper is called the Beacon, and I have been calling it the Bacon for at least three years. You'd be surprised how few people say anything when they hear it. xoFifi

from saudades :

Many thanks for the advice and ideas; it will be great for me to find a gentle type of exercise like the ones you recommended. About the physiotherapist, I don't know if I can see one at the moment, but I will also keep that idea in mind! I appreciate your ideas so much. I am excited that you found the book on Nicaragua! I hope that you like it. And, also, I agree with Fifi -- you are never boring. ^_^

from fifidellabon :

Hallo, Bluey! Whoah, you are never boring! Stuff happens all the time with you, interesting stuff! I'm glad that the running is balancing, and also having a new running partner, that's always good. I saw a woman and a man running on the towpath (directly after I'd jettisoned mah undahwayuh!) and she just had to leave him, and he said "Aw, now I'll have to THINK when I'm running..." and I thought of you, leaving all the boys in the dust. As for the crash-n-burn, well, maybe that will jolt someone awake. Do they really call themselves simple?! Because down here, a vast majority of people use that word to mean developmentally delayed. Hmmm...well, somebody's got to be effing with their heads, the poor, simple dears. Oh, as for shopping? You'll never know how many mistakes I make. I give them to the thrift store because I can't bear to march back to the store to return them. Then I 'd be wrong, and we can't have that, can we? (hee!) Really it is just laziness. Speaking of lazy, I'd better get rolling. xoFifi

from saudades :

I would go to Italy, but mostly because I can't run. You're such an athlete! - And that's funny, what you say about the men. :)

from mariastuart :

I must say I'm pretty impressed by your running stories. Wow, just wow. I couldn't even think about that, I'm already happy if I manage to do some sports once a week.

from mariastuart :

Ad me, ad me on FB! I've been searching you but there are 118 person with your name and I don't see someone that looks like you :)

from mariastuart :

It makes me sad that you are not happy with your job, I so hope you can find a solution for this. I can't even imagine this, as I'm having my dream job. This might sound egoistic but I mean it in a way that I think everyone should have a job they love or where they "live" for. Change isn't easy always, but sometimes you need this in your live. And I understand about the dating thing but you can try to see it on another way: if you would date and meet a great man, your job even wouldn't bother you anymore. You would even have the strength to work there without a problem because you have that great man. (And yes, I know that this may sound great but this isn't always reality, finding that lovely man, but we must think positive :) Voila, conclusion of the day: think positive. And this she said with a big sigh :) :)

from blighty :

So nice to hear from you! Thought you might like to know that my son was on his way to qualifying for the county x-country finals when he was tripped/pushed. He fell in the mud and was run over by what seems to be a large number of boys, judging from the perfect shoe and boot marks on him. He lost over 50 places and so didn't come near qualifying. Poor thing. Maybe it's because he wore my running socks, and they jinxed him. I have backed away from him on many things, and let him deal with them on his own, but this whole sports kit lark seems to be an area he doesn't want to be responsible for, despite his protestations, and so we do our little dance together. This morning, he packed it all without protesting. :-))

from blighty :

I have lived the life of watching someone work diligently, quietly, confident that his brilliant work would shine eventually and the powers that be would notice him and lavish him with rewards. This is not the way I work, but the way he does. He waited at one job for many years, but finally realized the Evil One was never going to give him credit for anything. He jumped ship. He has been at his new job (he is an accountant) for 4 years, and it only took about 6 months to realize that his new boss was the type to appreciate him. Although work is often a nightmare, he is usually happy that his reputation is established and now he can tell the Evil Ones to go back to hell. I am only talking about this because I wouldn't want someone as obviously smart as you to suffer needlessly. Trust yourself. Believe in your judgement. You will know whether or not your way will succeed. I don't usually give advice like this, but your entry could have been written by my husband a few years ago. Really.

from fifidellabon :

Exactly!!! You are brill! It is so much better to be solo than to be hooked up to somebody like Larry the Lummox. Ned and I met when neither of us was looking. And sparks didn't fly when we met like how films tell you that they ought. It was more like "Oh, can he ever play guitar!!" on my part and "Oh does she ever fill out that dress nicely! " on his part. And we were quiet. SO, you'll never actually know that special pretty minute when you've found The One, and that is how I think that it ought to be. Keep that mystery rolling and all that. Keep smiling at Cutie Pie. If he is interested, he WILL make his way over to you. It just might take a longer while than one would expect. Men. Silly creatures! xoFifi

from saudades :

Hi EB, what I meant was that if you wanted to be sad, then probably saying light things wasn't going to help. Try as I may, I can't explain what I mean so well, but I'm sure you understand. And thank you for your comments :) Nowadays I don't remember my childhood that much. Probably because I thought too much about it for a long time.

from saudades :

confidentiality, I mean :D

from saudades :

I don't have much time to form my thoughts well, but I forgot to comment on something, which is related to the Anne Frank excerpt. Though comments from open-minded people who mean well are nice, a diary is also meant to have that reassuring aspect of intimacy with the self and total confidentially where you can really be honest about anything, which is a wonderful quality that your writing here has. So sometimes if people, that is to say I*, tell you cheer-up - style things,I don't mean these to undermine or overlook the seriousness of it all. Above all, diary is a very personal thing. Thank you for sharing it with us, and I do hope this week is kinder! :)

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I know what you mean abut cide-inducing music in a public place. I always wonder, were they aiming to induce suicide, or homicide? I actually don't know much of popular music. If you hear it on the radio then I have probably not heard it, nor shall I in all probability. I am probably the only person who hasn't heard the Humps song or the Umbrella song. (I don't say that as a snob, I just don't see the appeal...) However, if it is in Pan-Celtic, well, that is a different story. I just don't want the generic pop-it-out-for-the-masses music. I want something that has been produced with love and care. I want real music, not just helium-voiced pop tarts that the media deems slurp-worthy. Hmmm...I am seeing parallels there to dating. Like as in Bluey, it might take a while but you will end up with the Real Thing, not some forced relationship or some sentimental prison. I waited for Ned. I was the last of my friends to get married. Now many of them are divorced. Yikes! I am blethering! I hope that you can get a nugget of anything, even entertainment from this. xoFifi

from mariastuart :

I've been in those situations where you feel bad for days because you have said something stupid to a man, at least, that is what you think. Men don't analyse our words as we do as a woman. So try not to worry about that. Most of the time they even don't remember what we said :) BTW I'm one of those "loud" woman too, it helps sometimes...See it like this: it was just a try out. Next time things will be diffrent! And about the ballet: great! I went to Sleeping Beauty as few months ago and was so surprised to see that a lot of woman where in the same position of me, it helped me to feel at ease. Ballet is so lovely!!! I used to do audition to be a part of the Belgian national ballet company but I failed. Big disappointment when I was 12 but I still love ballet.

from saudades :

PS.--And superbly qualified to date. It's just men in general don't always come through. And so on.

from saudades :

Don't worry, maybe they didn't interpret it as being egotistical. Don't beat yourself up about it. Who knows? Maybe they won't have such a good time at the party and you can have another shot at getting to know the guy better. Well, *I* think you're so cute and lovable! I think what Fifi says is right on the mark, too. :) Don't be sad; we still have half the weekend to enjoy. What are some of your plans? One plan of mine is to watch Ninotchka and weep, even if it is a comedy. Then drink anything with many calories and eat pumpkin pie. Thanks for your note; I do think we have some similar thought/feeling patterns... I totally understand what you did there, today. But believe you me, most people don't even notice. Remember, you're superb in our book. :)

from fifidellabon :

Bluey, stop. You are being much too hard on yourself, and also, umm, we can never really know what others are thinking unless they tell us. Well, except for me, I am magic. You are magnificent! Can you just kick back and enjoy the rest of the weekend? Also? Think of it, you are doing the entire new position adjustment stuff, so...just be yourself socially and let the chips fall where they may. I think that I've used that expression correctly. Gotta run, party is happening soon! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Oh no, I so so understand what you mean about that girl that will be in the cycling class too. I've been in such situations too. It's not fair :) What I sometimes try to do (but isn't very easy and not always very friendly ) is just to keep some distance. Talk with her but not too much. Try to invent situations so you still can have a bit of your "freedom" in the class. But maybe she is a totally other person comparing with you and she likes men that you don't like and vice versa. You never know! And ps: thanks for the nice words.

from fifidellabon :

They all liked your...pie, did they? heh heh heh...feel better! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Fifi is a genious, certainly after I read her last comment here. She & Ned are right!

from fifidellabon :

BOSH!!! it just means that you are too analytical for Dan. I analyse everything past the point of all reason, and Ned loves me just the same. Oh. Bluey, boys just don't know what girls are, just as we rarely know what they are. Pick an ex-boyfriend, any ex-boyfriend. Now remember what he was too of. Too this or too that. Now, think. (Analyse this, if you will! heeee!) He is not too that for some other girl! See? Everybody wins, you especially, because you are not stuck with a wrong-for-you boy, he finds someone else, she gets free bonage, and you have not guilt. You are not too analytical. Because if I am not then you surely are not. I have found that one of the hardest things in the world is self-acceptance. It is a fragile thing, so I do think that we ought to protect it, when we find it. So summon up that feeling of the 17th, and have a wonderful weekend! I'm off to the spa. Oh, look! Here is Ned. Ned says "I don't think that being overly analytical is bad, escpecially if it works for you. It is possible to be too critical in life when it is not appropriate, and adjustments have to be made. As long as being is analytical is not detrimental to your life, then Dan can go somewhere else. It helps to be happy with yourself first. Doesn't always work, but everybody else can just catch up. I say this as a Professional Complainer!" I only told him the bare bones. He did ask the other night if you were coming for Burn's Night, but he didn't actually realise that you were in Ontario! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Pee Ess i kant spel fr bat turdz...hav a grt wekend!

from fifidellabon :

Re: entry of the 17th? True-er words were never written! You just keep the feeling of that moment and call upon it whenever you need to! Have you nticed that a large amont of vapid windbags get far just on their own brash confidence? How much more could an awesome person do?! Just before I had Biba I went through a list of all the things that I had shame or regret for and I let it go and forgave nyself, and it was really quite cathartic. It sounds as though you are doing the same. Yay! xoFifi Pee Ess, I wonder why so many truly wonderful, grand people constantly flagellate themselves. The boneheads never do!

from saudades :

That's so sad about the doctor. :( Sometimes people stay in situations that aren't good for them. I agree with you, it's sad what people feel they have put up with. And about the friend, well, you've told me this before, and thinking about it, you are so wise to tell me this. I mean, I myself have had periods where I can't be responsive due to things that have nothing to do with anybody else. Today I had too much time in my hands, and people tell me I think too much! Thanks for the encouragement. When you're at work remember "Fight Stephanie Fight!" :) You can do it, you can be happy in this field too. And I'm kind of mad that the senior economist discredits you. It seems you do all the work!! I mean, staying there until 8 pm, wowww. Hope you have a wonderful weekend and get rid of some stress.

from saudades :

(that's the spirit) ^_^, because you ARE all those wonderful things , capable, worthy, intelligent girl

from saudades :

Yay! Give them hell!

from fifidellabon :

"One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just isn't the same, but if you guess which thing is not liket the others, THEN you WIN this guessing game!" Wheee! And you REALLY win if YOU are the thing which is not like the others! Do you know what I like to do with really nice soft bread? Put one single anchovie on it and fold the pieces over so that the anchovie is inside. Mmmmmm! xo Fifi

from saudades :

Thanks, EB. Your words mean a lot to me! We will see how things develop.... But you and Fifi are right, and I am still not too old.

from teranika :

I want to chase cheese and pancakes for my health, please... (Actually, I would just like to walk down the street without being paralyzed with back pain...but I think this will happen soon enough!)...

from fifidellabon :

I LOVE the company! SANE FITNESS, what the world needs! xoFifi

from saudades :

Smart, lively guys who have it together must exist somewhere, so you don't give up hope! Some people say "Don't be picky." I say, the longer the list of expectations the better. :) And poor C. falling for callous girls. - I hope you two find excellent people you can be happy with.

from teranika :

Huh, C. and K. - some strange similarities in grumpydom... (although K. frequently behaves like a tiny little kid, too).

from saudades :

^_^ This entry is so funny, EB! I can imagine you having to drag C. along to have fun. So he is grumpy? How can he be so grumpy, when he looks so adorable! - And the dating site: oh, the toil. Or? This is what I think: you deserve no less than a great and super-worthy guy, so let's think about this... I have a feeling that you will date such a guy in the future, but you won't find him through the website. Serendipitous discoveries are the best.... What are your thoughts on this? ^_^ And why does C. not have a girlfriend??? ;)

from teranika :

Smile - say hi! - make a spinning joke - Ask him for a coffee. What have you got to lose?

from saudades :

Thank you :) - Tomorrow I start classes again; it should be marvelous. Good luck finding the book! I hope you like it.

from hungryghost :

Did you know that half of the weight of a mattress (a mattress that's a couple of years old) actually comes from all the trapped dust mite carcasses? Shudder.

from fifidellabon :

Wow, huge note! And could I spell any worserer? xoFIfi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, thank you for that note! You are the berries! (That is a term from waaay back last century, maybe even the 1920's but I didn't research it properly before using it. But it means super good!) Well, as to HIW she has what I think are personal problems. She seems to feel herself a HaveNot opposed to all the cruel and mean Haves that don't derserve all that they have. SHE deserves it. She seems to have low self-esteem and a lot of resentment of the new people who have moved in. Sort of like a renaissance of uptown here. She takes refuge in illness and injury so that no one can actually call her on her crap. Oddly enough, before she scammed her handicap place ('twas only to be for six months!) SHE had asked US to not park in front of her house and we were all fine with that. We rarely did, at any rate, even before she asked. Ironic? So no, I shall not be talking with, to, or at her. Only just about! Hee! As I told Ned, I have been pushed too far. It has taken four years. It takes a lot to push me too far, but once I am there, I never go back. The only thing that I am prepared to say to her is "No!" and possibly "What is your problem?" but no other. The thing is, this latest spate of spleen is completely unprovoked. Geh. I am just glad that you do understand about rules and civic responsibility and all that. I think that is why I cannot stand American politics, that decency seems completely absent. As for the fam thing well, I do know that I am extremely lucky. It has been hard work though, and it is not always all ducks and gumdrops. But it is always worth it. You will have something just like it, because it will be tailormade for you by your experiences in getting there. By the way, amnnamaria posted snaps of her new haircute. Shall you be as well? I do like those bobs, the asymmetric ones. I can't do them, though as my hair is too curly! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Well, from my observations, you are partly correct. But it seems much, much more complicated than that. It's as if two entirely different cultures were trying to find a place in yet another culture. xoFifi

from teranika :

Next week it's YOUR turn to walk up to HIM...that's your homework!

from mariastuart :

A few weeks ago, I went to the hairdresser with a picture of Katie Holmes and one of Nicole Ritchie. I ended looking as Nicole :) I so hate haircuts because I always afraid they will destroy my haircut. I had a Brazilian guy who cut me hair, gay of course but he did a great job. Gay people are the best hairdressers & nice to talk too :) I will post in my diary the before and after picture. Really a big difference!! A new haircut makes you feel so good!

from mariastuart :

Best idea ever!

from mariastuart :

You made me laugh sooo hard with your "Fight-uh" thing! :)

from teranika :

HI. Yes, I think it is also somewhat an ego thing - but really more a fear that I am losing something that *should* belong to me (which is kind of ego, but kind of a fear that I am making a mistake by not pushing my involvement) But realistically, my colleague is right - they are not passing me by (in fact, what they are proposing is kind of boring and not something that I find really valid as a methodology...) - Instead, I am moving on to more interesting science...Nice to talk rationally about something that had me in tears for over an hour today - it was DEFINITELY a hormone shocker.

from fifidellabon :

Hee! Bluey, we were most likely writing here at the exact same time!!! xoFifi

from hungryghost :

I ALWAYS wonder how anyone can live in the bleakness of the suburbs, ESPECIALLY in late winter/early spring when it's light enough long enough to see how awful it all is. I feel the the awfulness and sadness strikes me in such a way that I'm never rid of it and it somehow stays with me forever.

from mariastuart :

These feelings do go away eventually. Maybe after a few days or after a few weeks. Only think about that, ignore the rest. So repeat 10x:"they will go away" :) Trust me, I have to say these words 20x these days :s Here it's very grey outside and that makes me feel bad. It's all because of the weather, I say to myself...

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I remember, before I had to change my name, how much I would hate, hate, hate when men would use my formal name instead of my everyday name!! It was such a liberty that they took!! I was really insulted, and it would deffo always be the death knell for any budding relationship. Yes, I was deffo even more shallow then than I am now. Well, the cycle of emptiness. I dont know what to say about that. I do know that I have been there, back when I used to work for Da Man. I remember when I was in such a horrible situation I could only think "My God, and I am going to have to live at least until I am 30. How ever will I make it?" In retrospect, it really was an abusive situation. Oddly, I needed my empty flat and quiet life to heal enough to get to work the next day. Because I was too proud to ask for help. And my dog gave me a reason to keep on. Not that I'd ever end it all, but you understand. I have faith that you will make it through until your escape, but I just wish that I had something concrete to offer that would help. xoFifi

from saudades :

I agree with Fifi. Hate them more! What torture it must be to work there. I'm sorry you feel down, EB.

from fifidellabon :

Oh Bluey don't leave work with self-loathing----save it all and loathe THEM!!! I can't rememebr how long that you have been in that position but if after three months, if you feel hideous yet, then consider them to have failed the probationary period. Do you have restrictions on time served before you can work elsewhere? At any rate I have been meaning to tell you how much I am enjoying reading your entries. You have such a gift for writing. xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Good thing about going to the pub! I should do things like this too.

from saudades :

I know what you mean about garage sales. My mom is the same; at one point our house had a room which we called the cinema, because of all the chairs she'd bought. Tough decision (about the sofa).

from teranika :

You're absolutely right - that's EXACTLY how K would describe it! ;-) You crack me up.

from teranika :

I mostly avoid classes where I have to sign up, because for some reason, the commitment of paying up front deters me from going! I have no idea why this happens. I paid about 10% more for each yoga class just because I couldn't commit to a 10-class card - I went regularly but was afraid that I would stop going if I got a membership. It's happened with lots of gym memberships I've had in the past. I'd rather pay a premium to commit on a monthly basis than to pay for two years and run the risk of burning out after month 2. I know, I know - there's years of therapy involved in explaining this one...;-) I wish I had your training commitment gene!

from saudades :

You're most welcome. :) I hope you enjoy it.

from saudades :

by days ago , I meant years ago!

from saudades :

What beautiful pictures! Like you say, icy but very lovely. Here in southern Virginia we get no snow... The title of the archeologist's book is Nicaragua: Its People And [then a long list of things]; they had it at my university library days ago, so I think it's not that rare to find. The author is E.G. Squier. I love reading your writing as well! I look forward to your updates every day. <3

from fifidellabon :

Wel, your weekend sounds grand! Mine has started with the work in the garden, and then a walk with Spot. Then Biba and I sorted out her books (we all have waaaay too many) to keep and to give away. Tonight we have a Christmas celebration, but it is the Twelfth Night after all, isn't it? Tomorrow I plan a lovely nap. And we have Evensong as well as regular church. I am really looking forward to the nap! I simply adored your pictures that you posted. Makes me quite nostalgic for where I lived that had real Winters as well. Now I must cough up a lung and then perhaps a bit of reading is in order. xoFifi

from teranika :

Thanks! I guess I'm getting cranky again! I looked up the CRTC regulations and it's pretty clear that they all just blatantly violate the posted regulations. Good luck getting yourself back to a normal schedule again - My nighttime schedule also drifted later over the holidays. There's just something nice about staying up late, I think.

from teranika :

I'm not very convinced by your write-in-morning resolution, either. Some people are just night people, and function better at night. I occasionally flip-flop between nights and mornings - they are both good, IF you are awake and alert through them. I don't think you can really force those physiological changes, especially right after a holiday where you just allowed your body to go where it wanted to go. Any possibility of bringing the kick-ass coffee with you to work? (man would you make friends fast..)

from fifidellabon :

Hallo, Bluey! I feel as if it has been a long time since I've read you, but it was only just yesterday! These schedule changes~! I did get to bed earlier last night. Another positive about sleeping more, bedsides the dreams, is that it is supposed to be excellent for the immune system. I was reading about immune boosting vitamins and unlike that, the "experts" seem unanimous about sleep being good! But hooray! It's Friday! What are you going to do this weekend? xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, if only I could change her self-sabotaging bahaviour, I'd do it in a second. You, you don't seem to have any of that! Also, thank you tremendously for your comment regarding the Simpsons and their ilk. I'm hanging on to it like a lucky charm. Fortunately it is "I'm Going to the Gym Every Single Day" month here, so every single parking space is packed these days. It is a wonderful blunting tool! xoFifi

from saudades :

You're so lovely Enfinblue, thank you for your note! Well, let's see. I am not sure whether I can make such an arrangement with the financial aid office, but I will call them tomorrow and see. And about the friends, their behavior is odd, but you're right. There are so many different things that could be happening that I should not get worried about it...

from teranika :

Happy New Year! ANd thanks for your lovely note. I LOVE Humboldt's quote. We succumbed to the red velvet sofa temptation (does it happen to everyone who owns that Toulouse-Lautrec Tournee du Chat Noir poster?).

from teranika :

Hey - I was going to show that last entry to K - I thought it was really interesting. point to note: your sofa is ON SALE until either January 3rd or Jan. 6th! Happy new year, my friend! :-)

from essaywriter :

Hey! I meant to say... thanks for the add!

from fifidellabon :

Happy New-y, Bluey! You've been a wonderful friend! Thank you! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Oh, nice to hear that you love that video :) You just can't sit on your chair if you hear it! Last week they played it in the club I was, so great with all that audiance in the background! Really funny, everybody started screaming too as in the video.

from teranika :

aaawwwwww...what a beautiful pup. I found your arguments convincing. Still think you'd get along with Boston guy - who works out all the time and loves hiking, and yet will talk your ear off about the latest book he's read (once he gets over being painfully shy). Shame about that tragic zip code.

from mariastuart :

Sounds interesting :) Just meet him, you never know. And he's hot? That's sounds even better! Wohoo!

from fifidellabon :

Oh, YAY-uhs! Have fun! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Steffo, most deffo, on the 27th? the one with turkeys, you wrote thee most perfect dating profile! It's the last paragraph. That is short, sweet, fluid, coherent, and perfect. If you had that on your profile, I'd think that luck might be different. I mean to say, if you ever decide to do that again. I know that you aren't hurting for a boyfriend, and if I sound condescending, smack me please! Oh, and the black dress? Really, keep it, as it is most deffo an investment piece. It will carry you though years, or decades as my Mum is wont to say. Seriously, if you feel guilt, take the cost and amortise it over a minimum of eight years. There, don't you feel better?! Now I must go hack up a lung. I have the most persistent tickle on my throat. xoFifi

from teranika :

lovely and sad entry. I can visualize the places and people. I think you can still enjoy the dress though...you bought quality and timelessness so it will be wearable for years - not tripe that will go in the dumpster in a few months.

from teranika :

I've found that I do the same thing with people in general these days. It's tougher for me to make friends because I am likely to write them off more quickly. I wonder if it is a reaction to getting older that I assume I'll just KNOW how conversations will go...

from teranika :

You're not horrible! You're just being true to your instinctual "alert" system. That comment does make it sound as though he's coming right off another relationship. Although, my very close friend D (in NY) got separated from his wife in September and started another relationship already in Nov. He's been together with this new woman for over a year now. Some people are different, and just don't need a recovery period. Either that, or the last year of their previous relationship was already 'over.' If he's nice? Don't paint him into a corner - give him a chance to do that on his own! (chances are, he will without your help...;-) It's a little bit like applying for jobs. You won't get a shot until you throw your name into the mix.

from teranika :

Very very Seinfeldian way to avoid dating IronMan. My upstairs neighbor in Germany was an Ironman. Gorgeous. And very very sweet and mellow. My motto is not to write him off until you know for sure - but then again - you've been a larger part of that culture than I have....

from teranika :

This entry was HYSTERICAL!! I was laughing SO HARD!! It sounds like we had the exact same Christmas with CBC!!! (except for my missing the tortiere..) umm, maybe it WAS Judy Dench......maybe it's ALWAYS been her..

from teranika :

DAMN! I MISSED IT!!! Oh well - I so hope you had a wonderful Christmas. I will dream of tortiere...

from mariastuart :

Merry Christmas!! I loved the Cohen song :) xx

from saudades :

Merry Christmas!!! <3

from teranika :

Yes, this is one point where I frequently get irritated by K's parents. They tell him that they cannot sleep at night because they are so worried about him. How does such a comment help anyone?? All it says is that they have no confidence in him. huh. lessons about parenting...guess I'll keep that in mind...

from teranika :

Interesting, I rarely re-read a book, although I keep my favorites. But I frequently choose brain candy over anything that requires deep thoughts. And C. sounds very much like K., who cannot seem to motivate himself to finish. His thesis has dragged on endlessly, and there is nothing I can do to push him forward - either to finish or to find himself a job. He keeps setting himself deadlines - and then pushing them forward - and it's been like this for years. I am amazed that I got him to move to the USA, because he said "wait until I'm done with my thesis." Until I finally said, "if we do that then it's over." So your entry touched a nerve - I have a Ph.D., and I do not know how to motivate a person to write - I think it is something inside of them that has to crack the whip and move them forward. There is very little that you can do, apart from be a friend, keep encouraging, and support them in their worth no matter which way the situation goes. And a very very merry Christmas to you, too!!! Thanks to d-land for letting us connect.

from saudades :

^_^ Happy Holidays to you as well!! And thanks for saying your like the pic, I found it randomly searching for things with saudade.

from teranika :

If you do not have any Wendy Cope poetry books - you must find one. All of us banal types should have them ;-). And hurrah for the carbon accounting. The Brits really are ahead of us - most of my UK colleagues already put this into their research proposals. For our recent proposal, I suggested that we make an effort to include some carbon accounting. Here it was met with an awkward silence. sigh.

from fifidellabon :

My sister and I have always rhymed "banal" with "anal". Makes being called banal a lot funnier! Happy Christmas, God Jul, and I'll write less sporadicus-ally after I am done travelling. xoFifi

from teranika :

btw, GOOD one with guy and SE. My eyes were instinctively rolling at the stepford wife naming party, and I was thinking the SAME thing you said!!! hee hee.

from teranika :

now I'm feeling guilty about writing that rant. I exaggerated some points. And as K put it - how would she feel if she read it? It wasn't particularly constructive or helpful.

from fifidellabon :

Dear Bluey, I shall ALWAYS believe in you, even whe your faith falters. Nobody could write like you and be stupid at the same time. I get the feeling that your new position is just so completely different in so many ways and on so many levels. It sounds as if the people there don't have much patience or tolerance. I don't know if you can do this, if it would work, but when I am in your shoes, I switch into the "Aaannnd?"...raised eyebrows mode. ( Like ohnoI'mgonnadiieeee! ( pause) Aaaannnd? What's the worst that can happen? Sometimes one just has to bide one's time. Also, I hop on and off constantly from people's Idiot Lists. I generally tend to ignore it. Oh, if only you could have Pajama Day, as Biba does. I am so sorry that the struggle is so difficult. I do believe that you can persevere, but it will most likely not be easy. Nor fun. For that I am sorry. xxooFifi

from hungryghost :

You are totally going to figure this one out.

from fifidellabon :

Oh, well, I have the attention span of an...uh...what were we talking about? Also, that dude who said that you were too old for children? SO wrong. I know a perfectly lovely woman who had her first child at age 41. Her second was at age 44. I know many 39 year-olds, and I think that I know of a 48 as well, but it might have been 49, and her son is just the cutest thing! And there are others older. It's all a crapshoot. Just being younger does not guarrantee a healthy child, or a child at all, for that matter. xoFifi

from hungryghost :

Thanks for your sweet comment! I usually feel like I'm too sporadic, brief, and altogether negative, but I'm happy to get a compliment from someone whose writing I like as much as yours. A longish break from work sounds like exactly what you need - sometimes I feel like I need to step back from something to really be able to see it. Also, did that guy really make that comment about childbirth and your body? Please pay zero attention to that asshole.

from teranika :

I've missed out on who Dan is. But they were nice words. Sounds like you need someone to take you out for one drink. Don't forget that it really did take me a year to feel comfortable in my shoes in this new job. You will prevail.

from teranika :

umm, is it truly possible for swollen heads and hot tubs to go together? (sorry sorry SORRY!).

from hungryghost :

I think that is a great dress that you will wear forever, and that you should get it immediately.

from fifidellabon :

I read "inedible" as "incredible" actually. Then I got it right. Well, I am fairly new to the Quebecois scene. I have always liked the foot-on-board percussion and we'd come across it often enough. Then one day I picked Le Vent du Nord fairly well out-of-a-hat and that really nailed home that I really love the stuff. All that echoing of the singer, all that foot stomping. I do like that they sound very like Breatgne. Oh, and I simply adore that dress and it would look smashing on you. You must, absolutely must if you can, get it. Immediately! I like Teranika's idea of a splash of colour, and I'd make it the handbag. Deffo! /xoFifi

from teranika :

ooo! invite the mushroom picker and her beau to coffee! cool people usually have cool friends.

from teranika :

And oh, I imagine you in a simple, slim, above-the-knee elegant black cocktail dress - with a dash of color added somehow (scarf? belt? handbag?). Your personality definitely suggests simple elegance to me. (I normally 'hate' people who can pull that off! ;-)

from teranika :

Yes, you make an extremely good point. I can make all the suggestions I want, but they do no good if it keeps a politician from being elected. I'm glad that you agree with the CBC assessment (rather than finding it offensive...). I feel like I see very much eye-to-eye with you, and probably would if we both lived in a different country, too. I wonder if that is because we have both lived abroad and therefore tend to look at situations as if we are always outsiders looking in... K and I were talking this evening and I told him about your work - he thought it sounded extremely cool (at least in concept!). I so hope that the new job improves for you. Actually, I just hope that you have a relaxing effect on the place - it sounds like they need it.

from teranika :

well....I think what we could best do is put a carbon tax in place...;-) but you are probably right that the example helps.

from fifidellabon :

Pee Ess Mules are really, really cute! I adore them! You know, the equine ones, not the shoes. Those can be iffy...

from fifidellabon :

Oooh, cold medicine! That's supposed to be quite fun. Oh,and never, ever feel bad about venting feelings. It is so important to validate them. Really, it ought to be a fine-able offence to smash down one's feelings and ignore them. Harrumph! Now, remember, your middle name is Fun, so go have some fun this weekend! XoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, now, frankly, this is a horrible time of year. One is supposed to be having this magical time and all sorts of greeting card miracles happen. Bah! In my mind, the only worthwhile miracle that happened was the reason we have Christmas. Oh, and don't forget about the reason we have Chanukah. Oh all right, there are all sorts of miracles, but none forced by Hallmark, drat it all! AND, I think that the people in your new departmant have terrible people skills, which are only magnified at a social gathering. Also, EVERYBODY feels stupid at those things. Bah! As for not having children, nonsense! One can have a perfectly wonderful life without even 0.3 children! I know a very talented woman who chose not to have children because she was afraid that they might stifle her creative muse, and that muse was the thing that kept her going. (My, how easily I get off track...) I don't know what Farrah's problem is but I'd wager that she has some serious food and body image issues. No, Bluey, I know that you know that there is nothing wrong with you. It just feels that way sometimes, but it is just a trick of the mind. Or mood. Or something. All this will pass, much like gas. I am sorry that you feel sad, but it is important to validate one's feelings, and also to feel the full range of them. When I am in your shoes, I feel that it is important to do something completely stupid and futile. Like in Animal House. And to have a great time doing it. Hmm....ask Ned about Helmet Day...xoFifi

from teranika :

I think the big offenders are CBC journalists. It's trendy to pick at the US. But also, they give the impression that the reason to make a change is not because it is the logical thing to do, rather because of 'what the rest of the world might think of us!' It's that strange CBC/Canadian twist on navel-gazing. Anyway, it gives me hope to know some of the very-important-economists though ;-).

from teranika :

I tipped over in yoga yesterday...;-). and in a brain dead moment, I left myself a note instead of you...

from teranika :

Lovely!!!! I love stringed cranberries and popcorn. And I recognize some of the cane ornaments - our secretary in Germany used to make those every year. And your angel...German (from the Erzgiberge) by chance? ;-) I say give the geek a chance - you have to go out for coffee at some point, might as well bring him along.

from culotte :

You're not too judgemental. You're thoughtful. And you're super cute and trim and fit. You will find someone who suits you perfectly. I'm 100% positive. And who is probably a cyclist. (They have the hottest legs)

from fifidellabon :

Ah, the curtains! I am reading a book where the fiance wishes that his love would change the yellow curtains for a more sober blue but is too polite to ask. Can you imagine! Of course, she keeps the yellow, and him as well. Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou for the compliment about being funny like Hiss. She is just absolutely brilliant! When I was about to quit this writing, she convinced me to keep on. So I turned into Fifi and it's been going swimmingly ever since! xoFifi

from teranika :

I saw the rosemary trees at H0m3 D3p0t here in Van. I think that's where I bought one last year, too. Oh yellow curtains!!! I so want yellow curtains for our top floor, but I cannot find the right yellow around here.

from mariastuart :

Buying earrings for yourself is a VERY good idea! Or buying some jewelery is just great! You will notice that you will feel very good about it. I've been buying a lot of earrings and other things for myself in the past years. I even bought myself a silver ring of almost 200 euro when I became 30 years old. Maybe nobody will ever give me a ring, well, in that case, I just buy him for myself! And when you do, you can choose what YOU want or like.

from fifidellabon :

Bah! He probably went right back to...the Star Buck (I remember that by thinking of "Space Cadet") and said "I saw that chick you can't get ever. She looked great! I think I'll ask her out" and then Stupidhead threatened to "kick his ass' if he did. I've been on the hearing end of soo many of those conversations. Also, sometimes dude will act as if he didn't care, then he'll be all mopey and cross for weeks. AL-soooo, the best friend almost always wants to ask out the ex-girlriend, because they've been secretly crushing all along. Silly creatures...honestly, don't think of it as a failing in you, becaus it isn't. HE just got extremely lucky, and he will never do better. He'll always have this small bitter core, and he will secretly resent his wife (because they ALLLLL-ways get married, just to "show" the world,) and then he'll of course cheat on his wife, but he'll make it so that it's her fault. (In his head.) I know the type. It's very beneficial to have dude friends! Well, I like your plans. I feel bad about the gaping hole feeling, although of course I've gone all double entendre there, as usual. What is it with me? Everything has another meaning and it's almost always salty! Bluey, I am always proud of you. No matter what. You forge ahead with such determinaton and courage. You are like a Louisa May Alcott heroine, or a Bronte one, but honestly I think more Alcott, because I am partial to her. Now go on out there, have a great day, and kick some booty! xoFifi

from teranika :

Oh, and definitely the RIGHT instincts on computer boy. ugh. Give me a break. I would have reacted the same way. Sounds like you need to find a genial ally at that place. I hope you take up the offer of one of those people who invited you to lunch last week.

from teranika :

Actually, just like fifi I had a wonderful solo Christmas in Germany a few years ago. I watched my favorite old movies and went for a late-night walk by myself, on the frosty ground under a beautiful bright moon. It was very peaceful and melancholic at the same time, and beautiful.

from fifidellabon :

Oh, nonsense, I was totally multitasking at the time. If I don't write at the moment I feel it, the thought is gone. I was writing to you, and I was having a discussion of Hamish Macbeth and giving my opinion on the 2006 Birthday Bourbon. You don't seem gloomy. You seem like a person who has a big challenge to chew on! Oh, once a man called me "garrelous". Can you imagine! AND he tried to give an open-lipped kiss on the first (AND last!) date! Can you imagne!!! I much prefer "loquatious" actually. That dude who said that you were verbose. Well he sounds as if he has at present a high percentage of the "EEW" factor. Everyone can change for the better, though. Pee Ess I never ever do anything that I don't want to do. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Well, here is some lovely, lovely bossing for you! What if you spend Christmas alone? Well, first of all, make a reservation at a posh restaurant. Next, buy a book that you want ever so much, and Do Not Read it yet. Save it for Christmas at the restaurant. Now, buy a huge box of chocolate that you would never, ever buy for yourself. Ever. Buy it, Christmas morning you can open it. Next, some cashmere. Once again Do Not Open Until Christmas. You see where I am going with this. (Ned says that a lot) Decadance. If you are going to spend Christmas alone, make it a good one! You are totally worth it. And don't you just love Teranika's rosemary tree idea? I believe that I shall do that myself. Right now I have to sign off as I have family over and things are wonderful, but I want to let you know that I am thinking of you and that a solo Christmas can be a wonderful thing. I once spent one in NYC because my sister had performances and I just decide to keep her company. All right, I'm off! xoFifi

from teranika :

That description reminds me of going for a run on the Moscow River when I visited Russia - ooo the cold air stinging your lungs!

from fifidellabon :

Yes, well I'll always choose alcohol therapy over retail therapy. Well, almost always... xoFifi

from teranika :

Oh yes it sounds like grad school all over again....C does have a point in that you do have a tendency to be too hard on yourself - so let yourself cry it out, but do keep going easy on yourself. As for men and children... my friend Blighty always described my life as a series of 'just missing the bullet' incidents. In other words, none of those men before now were really right for me, in part because they never would be, and in part because I had my life to live. You have lived quite an interesting life that I don't think you should regret. and furthermore, you are not so ancient that everything has come crashing to an end. I know you know these things.....but I figure it doesn't hurt to hear them again, bluey.

from hungryghost :

Shut up. You are awesome!

from fifidellabon :

AAAARRRRGHH!!! You were NOT too selfish and picky!!! You were living your life! Who has the balls to do THAT in their twens, I ask you?! 'Twas just a crap day, and it will be but a distant memory in a while. What is all this "middle-aged" bit? Doesn't that start when you are in your fifties? I think that you are much younger than that...I am all wah wah wah today as well, though, so I'd just blame it all on barometric pressure. Don't forget, you totally rock! All the time!!!! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

HAW!!! I was meant to write "pies", not "pis". Making pis, really! Soon it will be faire du pipi...xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

And Steph, you really do flatter me. I am really basically just a shambling idiot with very few boundaries and no internal censor. It's just that every so often I hit upon something that resonates. I think that we all are good people, but sometimes it is harder to do the right things, or to do anything at all, for that matter. I think that we just get really comfortable with who we are, flaws and all, if we are really lucky! Then we begin to boss everybody about! I did think that once I hit 30 it would all be downhill, but 30 was remarkably liberating, much to my surprise. I think that it just gets all better and better. Oh! And did you know that St. Nicholas looks after you as well?! But then you will get married and he will then look after your children. Unless, of course that you turn into a sailor, then he stays with you as well. Pee Ess I called Ned and did not make the pis. He can have my other Meyer Lemon tarte! Pee Ess Too, You are a very awesome and wonderful person, and I am SO glad that I wrote you that first note!!! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

The chip-on-shoulder girl seems to be displaying classic "I feel threatened" behavs. Did you perchance win the position that she had auditioned for? Lying low does seem to be a good temporary strategy. Are you getting the feel of the land yet? I have a feeling that this position just might turn out to be fun. You never know! Now, I have to convince myself to make two pies. Or not. I'd really rahther sleep! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Bluey, everybody beats themselves up every now and then. I have no idea of why. Certainly it isn't productive. As for She Who Must Not Be Named, I think that sometimes I just get frustrated and hopeful at the same time, and then, well, yap, yap, yap! Pee Ess That woman at your work? She is furniture. But you know, she might just have horrible people skills. BiBi has the worst!! People presume that she is hateful, but she is a complete marshmallow heart! xoFifi

from teranika :

I have the PERFECT Christmas tree idea for you. A Rosemary tree! Cover it with little red bows and water it and stick it in your window. They cost about $15-20 and smell fantastic. We are using a wreath inside for our advents candles, and we just spray it with water every once and a while. There are ways!

from mariastuart :

Yes, weird isn't it, we are really having parallel lives! It's nice to read this is "normal", other people are having the same. It so brightens up my day! It's just a part of the "days of our lives" thing. I always say: you can only enjoy the sun if you've been in the rain too.

from mariastuart :

You are now an offical member of my "I give up club". I give up too :) And YES you are way too good for thess things. That's not pretentious, I feel the same. It sounds like you have great plans for the weekend, have fun!! :)

from fifidellabon :

What you saw probably was a seisiun, where musicians just come in from wherever and trot out their tunes. It's a great learning experience, although each one you learn different things. great fun as well! xoFifi

from teranika :

and lastly - you are very very funny when you rant. ;-)

from teranika :

Incidentally, why do you know about CSA certifications??? (I'm thinking there has to be a reason for your knowing that! I cannot imagine that it is common knowledge!)

from teranika :

Unless the dog were female. Then it would be "Cally." -- The instrument is imported from Italy and so it has to go through a special instrument certification process - but yes, it ultimately gets a CSA sticker. The strange thing is that there have been about 100 of these instruments installed in Canada, and no one had heard of one failing before...some have suggested that my lab is cursed...I'm looking for some kind of peace totem to appease the Great and Mighty Lab God.

from fifidellabon :

Did you know that poodles are actually quite intelligent? I suspect that you do. Also, I'd like to meet a dog named "Ironically". Probably call it "Ron" for short...xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

The next step below "diamond cutter" is "blue veiner"! Aren't I horrible?! I certainly have picked up quite a vocabulary! The film was an unwatchable little gem called "Up the Academy". I know...but bear in mind that I still sometimes laugh at what we call "fart jokes" here. xoFifi

from teranika :

that should have them flocking to you in droves........ (alternatively, it could attract the one man who truly understands you ;-).

from fifidellabon :

Oooh! How about this one? ~Don't even bother trying to impress me---I'm jaded beyond belief. Just the fax, Jax, and may the best man be at least amusing.~ That would really bring them rolling in, non? Heee! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Here is my joke profile for a dating site. Wanted: One fast-running, dog-owning man for dating purposes. Please send picture of dog. Literacy and good hygiene a plus.

from fifidellabon :

But of course real guys would like the silly and witty profile! I even asked Ned. He agrees. Perhaps I shall write a profile for you. Also---gotta love the blue balls! I know what that means!!! I actually worked the phrase "diamond cutter" into a conversation recently. Always an innocent double entendre. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Send me a template of the profile, or better yet, post a blank one as an entry, then we can all fill one out for you! Then you can cobble one together from all that. Or just laugh until you feel better. Happy Week! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I'm not sorry at all about the sister. I am merely indifferent. She is a miserable, nasty person, so peace be with her. I don't wish her ill, I merely wish her elsewhere...xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

The pics were brill! It looks as if you might be able to grow cooking herbs in your kitchen. xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Lovely pictures!! I love your neighbourhood. Is that second picture a poster of Millais? It reminds me of him.

from teranika :

SNOW!!!!! Pictures, please! K and I have a table where we always put out our brightly colored vegetables as kind of a temporary kitchen decoration. (Hey - what about pictures of fresh, brightly colored vegetables in fresh snow?? maybe not.)

from fifidellabon :

I saw your emoticon over at Maria's. It is cute! Looks like a happy nose! Happy Day, Miss Ess! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I thought that perhaps that was why you hadn't written. Well, if it is indeed rock bottom, then it's bound to get better. Also, the mother issues? It takes two to tango, and if she could possibly treat you as if you were humanm then perhaps the atmosphere would be a bit warmer. I have no idea of why mothers behave as they do, but I shudder to think that I might become one of Them...Pee Ess, we've convinced Earl to do Thanksgiving with us. We're going to Ned's parents'...

from teranika :

oh god, it's ME again. And I forgot to say - thanks for your lovely lovely note yesterday. it made me smile. and I'm touched you would think to knit something for baby t.

from teranika :

and I'm terribly envious of your charcoal grey loveseat..which I already imagine covered in brightly colo(u)red yellow, orange, and red pillows!

from teranika :

Aha! There are many things to envy about others.. For example, I might envy your ability to pull off sweet innocent seemingly non-sarcastic comments in meetings...;-) (Me? forget it. Even when I make a genuine compliment people think I'm being sarcastic.)

from fifidellabon :

Oooh! You are so funny! Thanks for the hope that it "passes" soon! Hee! That is actually what it does! Well, your first day doesn't sound so bad. It sounds as if they sorely need you! Are there any other humans there, or are they all bots? At any rate, it's bound to get better. Bushels of good luck and cheer to you! xoFifi

from teranika :

Just think - you left behind cornflakes and potatoes. (but, actually, I LOVE cornflakes and potatoes....need to work on food metaphors here.)

from teranika :

That first day of yours just had me LAUGHING OUT LOUD!! I'm sorry - I know it wasn't so pleasant for you...but had I gone out for a glass of wine with you afterwards, I would have had a truly hard time keeping the wine from coming out my nose! (which hopefully would have helped rather than depressed you...). I hope that you keep telling people when you are confused. Maybe they will learn that intelligent people actually ADMIT this rather than taking the action of an ignoramous.

from saudades :

Awww. I'm sorry that you didn't like the first day. Hope it gets more tolerable, somehow. There's always hope that it will...Hope is the last thing that should go! ((Hugs))

from teranika :

Well, eb, it's only the first day. It took a year for me to like Mountain. That sounds discouraging, but really it means that maybe it will just take time to cut through the reserve.

from teranika :

Knowing Pete S3eger would probably depend on your level of fascination with the 60s music/cultural revolution in the US. He lived in the Hudson River Valley where I went to grad school and was much beloved for starting several local music festivals. (Plus I dated a banjo player...). Seeger is perhaps more international than I had originally thought, but in an odd way - I think at one time he was a registered member of the Communist party - because when I moved to East Germany all of my gospel choir friends knew his music by heart! They were also allowed to purchase Keith Jarrett and Joan Baez LPs - they knew EVERY one of Joan's songs, too. It was one of those great cultural moments - like my dinner with the Chinese grad students who knew every word and melody of the Carpenters.

from teranika :

This is my favorite, most comfortable sofa from them: http://www.ikea.com/ca/en/catalog/products/S79840476 When we moved to Van, we gave up ours because we needed a sofabed, and ik3a had temporarily stopped making them (they changed the name brand). Now they are back - of course now we have our bordelo sofa...

from mariastuart :

Hmmm, first days are always weird. When I went for the first time to my job, the only thing I could think was: I won't go back tomorrow!! Now it's 6 years later and I'm still there :) So maybe maybe (I'm sure it will) it will be better in a while.

from fifidellabon :

Don't cry! Well, unless you must. But I must tell you that some of my very best experiences started out as nightmares. Absolute nightmares!! There is hope. Might take a while, though. xoFifi

from teranika :

ooo! decorating! I love it. But definitely something to attack in small doses. One pillow, one plant at a time...My favorite sofa color is charcoal (goes with everything), but I've seen cream work fantastically in many homes.

from mariastuart :

Good idea about the decorating thing, I do this too from time to time and it always feels like you are living in a brand new apartment! Certainly with some new plants, it brightens up the place always!

from fifidellabon :

Huh! You think that a yapper wouldn't *enjoy* note writing!!?? Hee! Also, don't ask me how I know, but have you tried the girls's sizes? Although they are very youngifying, but every so often you might find something. Also you can just have your tailor take in the size small, or XS-es. Still it is not for everyone, but perfect for Biba until she rebels. Switching conversational direction, it's cold here, can you please send some snow? xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Steph, you crazycat, I am just a poodle who yaps a lot. Wel, all right, I do tend to care an awfy lot! I still think that you should just go eagle spotting. I cannot even tell you how very many ways there are to just happen to be in his line of sight! But you know, there is another, most likely even more delicious! xoFifi

from teranika :

absolutely not bossy. helpful.

from teranika :

I just got your note - I squeaked today! I don't know if it will make any difference but I tried. Thanks!

from fifidellabon :

To go all slang-y on you---that was freakin' awesome!!! What an entry!! Nobody would ever know all that about you! If we were workplace mates for three years, I'd never have known that about you. People tell me that nobody's family is functional. I'll not write it in my diary, but I have many mother issues. She Won't Let Go!!! She clings and bullies and guilt-trips. Yet she seem a paragon of virtue compared to yours. Mine read my diary (paper) and so I simply switched to French, which she has never mastered, nor has she ever gotten over that I did that! hee! At any rate, she keeps trying to get me to come "home" which will never EVER happen! The more you demand that I go left, the more certain it is that I'll go right. The point that I have strayed from is---thank you for the sharing! You totally rock and deserve a bald eagle or two, as long as they are nice!

from fifidellabon :

Stop pummeling yourself, Missy! If he knows anything at all about women, he will know that you are semi-ga-ga about him! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Ok, do we have the same mother or something? :) I do the same things when I'm in the same room with certain "special" men... Trust me, you feel "stupid", but 1) men don't notice 2) men think that the silly things we do are "funny" 3) he was there!!! Forget everything else, he was there and will be too the next time. Next time things like this can't happen anymore, what a relief! :)

from fifidellabon :

Stiffs! Aren't they dead people--OH! I get it!!! HAH! Funny! Well, it sounds as of you've had a splendid day! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

I was just going to say the same :) This is a diary, my dear. You must write about yourself! I don't mind!

from fifidellabon :

It's supposed to be All About you! Can you imagine, a personal diary all about someone else?! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Aha! A boy delivery service! Perfect! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

A room with a view, I've that DVD too. It's so lovely! I always watch it for the images of Florence, such a beautiful city. It always brings back a lot of memories.

from teranika :

Alternatively, a minister of *line dance* might really appreciate a well-choreographed KICK! TURN! KICK! TURN! HIP! TURN TURN! KICK! I really like this entry - you sound very relaxed about your body, and it probably does come across to these other women. That's part of what I like about yoga - I have no pretense of being good, and pretty much no one else does either. It makes exercising much more enjoyable!

from teranika :

Yeah, I agree with fifi - kinda cool to be a bad ass action hero!! I hate to be stereotyping anyone...but you are taking dating advice from the videostore rental guy?? This reminds me of my polling the guy on the subway, and then the shoe salesman - who near panicked when they found out I was a professor. I expect that the video store guy has his thumb on the pulse of a good percentage of the male population...But there are DEFINITELY guys out there who would love your brain. I'd put K in the brain-lover category. There's also my friend in Boston - I think he'd rather spend an evening chewing on tinfoil than with a bland beautiful woman who cannot talk with him about the world. (and he goes absolutely gaga over sweet, athletic women with long hair, I've noticed - not that I'm trying to fix you up! You have tragic zip codes! I'm just saying that these men do exist! They do! They do!).

from fifidellabon :

Oh dear. I do not know what "word enquiries" means. Is it a North Americanism? Oooh, I feel quite a prat for not knowing! Also, yes, you are a badass action hero! Also Ned has told me often that what a woman does in the day is indeed important to a man. How could she "bring things to the table" if she just didn't have anything to do all day? ( I think that that means to have interesting tales to tell.) No, my friend, the video man is mistaken. Quite mistaken. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Next time that you see his big ol' head over a row of cubicles, I think that it would be the right time to saunter on over. Perhaps he will say "hello" first of you! xoFifi Pee Ess in case you haven't worked it out, it is the bodhran that I play. But I think that you knew that!

from mariastuart :

About the Brussels sprouts, I also didn't know this! I discovered this one Flickr, with a picture!! So weird! About Mister B.: ooooooh!!! I so understand, yesterday I met the man of my dreams (again) and it will also be a disappointment. But don't give up, maybe he had some very important plans or he wants to do something "healthy" (as the spinning class) but he is just a bit too lazy. As me, as so many others :s Maybe there is a good reason he didn't show up (again).

from fifidellabon :

Did you know that brussels sprouts come on a big stalk?! That was news! And as well, I found out that it is perfectly fine to roast squash seeds. Which does make sense. I had thought that it was just pumpkins. I did roast them (pumpkin seeds) yesterday, but I used a paprika based seasoning and it didn't work out very well. Next lot is herbs de provence and sea salt. Oh, and we did indeed have a wonderful night. So many good musicians showed up! I'll probably write more about that tomorrow, but oh my word, what fun! I just drummed all night, oh, and talked and dranked. I didn't bother to sing. Too busy yapping! xoFifi Pee Ess I noticed your "run!" right off. Which is odd as I never notice anything that does not pertain to moi-meme.

from teranika :

Yeah, I know what you mean about these diary things - I often imagine that people are quite different in real life than they are in their diaries. Some of us write to purge and explore, and to have the opportunities to call our co-workers potatoes without anyone hearing it ;-). Oh, and I have a great URL for you: http://www.ottawalaptops.com/. K and I have bought two from the Vancouver chain - they are a bunch of Russian computer dudes who purchase and refurbish business licensed laptops and sell them for some amazingly good prices. My last one still had 18 months of warranty on it. Just a thought...

from fifidellabon :

Do you know what my Mum would say about Cynthia and her e-mails? It would come out in English as this, in a voice drawn out and dripping with sarcasm and disgust. "Sheeeee's brag-ging..." Frankly, I would have to wonder about someone who would send me an e-mail such as that. Would deffo make me inclined to think that she is not as happy and secure as she claimed. Also? The dudes who are on-board to a wedding as quickly as that are the dudes who never show up for the ceremony. SO, then! Steph, you will end up with the best one. Oh, as to work, well, intercourse them! It's their loss and they are the ones who have caused it. Harrumph! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

When someone has a boyfriend, they suddenly seem to forgot how life was when they didn't have a boyfriend. Expressions like that would have hurt them also in that time but now there are somewhere high in the sky and they say things without thinking. I've noticed this a lot. I always say "l'enfer c'est les autres!", it are the others that make us feel bad and it should not be like this. BTW, so brave of you to sign up for that spinning class! Too bad he wasn't there!! Always the same with men, they are never there when you want them somewhere :)

from teranika :

That must be upsetting, to have the senior boss ignoring you now. Perhaps at some point he will see that people have to make decisions based on their own well-being. Anything else is just not professional (and perhaps provides some insights into why so many people DID leave..). After leaving Duchess, I see clearly who actually cared about me, and who spoke to me only because I was there - fascinating to see who can maintain a broader perspective on maintaining professional contacts. Oh, and I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. I think that if I got an email that said, "I hope you are at peace with yourself so that you can find a man" I would go postal with anger....perhaps she didn't mean it to sound as condescending as it does...

from fifidellabon :

Of course you didn't insult me, crazycat! That is exremely difficult to do. I say, are you still sending an e-mail? No worries if not. As for the G de P, of course it is a highly charged situation, but deffo no ego involved on my part. I know that we are all hoping that she can get better. Sometimes the only possible way to help is to remove oneself from the arena. xoFifi

from saudades :

Thanks for the support! ^_^ I am determined to finish this project.

from teranika :

those pictures make me homesick for the east - beautiful brick and styles that are slightly older than 100 years. sigh. your neighborhood is just beautiful!

from teranika :

and oh yes! butternut squash! I love it, too! (I think I was able to avoid the diaper party...)

from teranika :

Yes! the seeds are drying now - and we will roast them tomorrow. mmm. And I know that the frozen squash is there because I have bought it in Vancouver before. It's just that frozen squash in a box is such a foreign thing to K - I think he just doesn't know what to look for.

from mariastuart :

Ok, I've just had my dinner party -without m. , which wasn't that bad- so right now I'm listening to Marcos Valle and realise that I'm just "a bit" drunk. The dinner party was great! I so so can understand the "intimate" thing. People say the same thing from me!! Oh, I so understand! We need a nice man beside us! We deserve this!! :)It's weird, so many miles away, but in the same situation :) Thanks for sharing, it really makes my day...

from fifidellabon :

Pee Ess i kant spel fore bat turdz.

from fifidellabon :

E-blu, I do firmly believe that what you say is true. And you know how some people, you just know that they should not be alone. It is not in agreement wiht their nature. Even if they profess to think otherwise! Nice choice on Mr. Northam. I have some very lovely crushes on soem Canadians, but I know them, so I can't say out loud. Oooh, except for James Keelaghan, because I only met him, but I am not frinds with him or anything. But there is a voice to fall in love with, that's for certain! xoFIfi Pee Ess G de P seems better. What a horrible family, if that's all true...

from saudades :

Hehehe. A responsible night of drinking and good talk never hurt anyone! ^_^ notice I did say responsible in case someone wants to dispute that. Here's to being free! Welcome November!

from fifidellabon :

What a fun night for you! I say, you could fall off from your bike and Baldy could rescue you! And POUTINE!!! I can't even tell you how much monay I'd pay for one right now. How are you on the donnair side? I'd pick poutine any time. Oh, how I'd adore one about now. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

E-blu! I wish so much that you had been here tonight! You and Hiss would have loved it sooo much. Oh, Pee, Ess, I am [email protected], anytime. Oh! I found somebody's camera so there might be pictures! yay! Oh, Pee Ess, 1000 sweeties and 400 small toys and we still ran out before the beggars did! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Arr Eee the Gee de Pee, I smell a big fat rat! I knew that she hadn't canceled the W thing. I am deffo making a big space between me and that place. Because I don't know what is true and what is not. Now Biba and I are going to carve pumpkins. We have a white one and she wants that to be a scared one. I will have to take some pix if I can ever find my camera. I am forever mislaying it. xoFifi

from teranika :

oops, I hope the guns weren't because of us....

from teranika :

Yes, I figured there was a historical bureaucratic root for the term "landed" and that it was not actually a reference to the very fine Canadian Goose. :-)

from mariastuart :

Yes, I agree, it's fate :) Hooray!!

from fifidellabon :

Oh, it's fate, my friend, it's fate! I simply cannot wait to see how it turns out! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Pee Ess re: Norway? Denmark is more fun! More funnerer. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I used to say that my profile would go something like---"Wanted: One pre-owned husband for dating purposes only. Marriage minded need not apply!" My theory was that marriage would have broken him down to "manageable" but if he were divorced, then he probably was a duck (spell that with an "i") and so anything that went wrong would be his fault. ( I know, what a POSitive influence I must have been!) xoFifi

from teranika :

EEGADS! It IS snow!!!!! wow. It is just rainy and cold here in Vancouver, a small shock after sunny and wonderful Seattle.

from fifidellabon :

Yes, the manipulation. I think that some of the things that you've mentioned are so very spot on. She seems to self-sabotage so often. I think that is a symptom, though. I really hope that a big change will help her. She was quite affected by Isabella's suicide and I think that is somehow part of the equation. Now on to fun things! I was thinking of how you can get baldy's attention. I wonder if there is any possible reason to get him to take a meeting. It would have to be a genuine reason, and backed up with lots of data. Or perhaps an exit interview type thing? Or perhaps you ought to just follow him into the washroom! (Only a joke) mmmm...but perhaps not! And also I think that you might have a contest---write enfinblue's online dating profile. First prize is the satisfaction of a job well done! Well, I must go pass out now. Happy snow! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I am SO JEALOUS!!!! ( But not really because I like you and you can't be jealous of your friends.) Biba says "It is fair, because we're gonna get snow soon." Because I was yelling "NO FAIR!!!" because I want the snow! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Ech! Geh, no I haven't been able to do the e-mail exchange with her. I haven't even updated for two days! Can you imagine! I have been reading her, though I have apparently missed a post. I am glad that someone from her wretched family has finally stepped up to the plate. I think G's been wonderful throughout, all things considered. There will always, always be that element of manipulation in one who is not well, but I think that she's fairly well kept it to a minimum. But she seems so very fragile. I'm sorry that she felt that she had to cancel her work, but health comes first. We'll keep an eye on W, though, to see if she managed to somehow pull through. I do tend to take drama with a grain of salt, but I do think that that is becuse of all the theater in the family! Well, I have to run. I really ought to post at least a line or two, shouldn't I? xoFifi

from mariastuart :

I liked what you said about throwing myself in the wave. It's true, things happen when you don't expect it. I only have to learn to be a bit more patient :)

from fifidellabon :

She does indeed sound better, but for how long. If France is so great (and I am not entirely of that mind!) why then can they not assign her a medical companion. Oh well. It is raining here as well. I shall be going to a farm market for apples and then I shall bake a pumpkin and make something pumpkiny good. I just found a recipe for pumpkin bread pudding. Also then I shall re-alphabetise the house. We use "re-alphabetise" as a euphemism for cleaning and organising. But Spa Morning was good. I know! Let's all take naps, shall we?! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, my! I would like a Halloween-o-gram. I always have the WORST thoughts about the word "mammogram"! Your thoughts about G de P are spot-on, and I can't believe that you said it before I did. It is so frustrating. I have another virtual friend who is all depressed but she has a support system in place and also she is in the continental USA so that it is quite easy to send her things. But I get so angry when people try to kill themselves. Selfish of me to think so, but there it is. Earl is devastated beyond words, and is sorry to wake each morning, but he will never kill himself, he says. Fear of the Hot Place, I think. And of never seeing her again. Also, uhhhh....your wisdom is amazing and I am going to remember those things, although I seem to have too MUCH self-esteem. But I am thinking that you probably don't have any mirrors. Because you are The Cuteness!!!! Can you not see?! There are probably so many dudes crushing on you that you don't even know about. Because even though they don't get credit for it...men get much more subtle as they get older! Wretched things! Oh, AND---you work with numbers! Do you know how difficult that is?! (Duh, Yeeees!) Also vous avez l'air d'une petite Francaise. Alors? No wonder the Francophones are all a-twitter! (Looove that word!) xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oooh! Is he hot, or...hott?! I'll bet that he thought that you were hott in your tights! XoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I love it! (Your name game...) xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Wait! How did I miss that entry?! Yay! Line Dance sounds like much more fun, even though I know that they really don't actually line dance all day! Congratulations! Have some fun! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh...I must admit that I have veered from the strict truth. I think that Soms just wanted to find out more about me, so I just had some fun with it, but the Autumn part is true. But I did stick with my online name from the name things. I'd say that my weather thing has to be a blizzard or a Spring Thaw. Fav-o-riffic sweet is a sea salt caramel that I've only found in France. Oh, and although I do like nightshade, I love all flowers so I just couldn't decide, so I went for effect. Thank you for your notes, they really help. My crisis has passed for the moment, but I am feeling as if I were made of bone china. Japanese pre-war, to be more specific! xoFifi Pee Ess wouldn't it be nice if you did Soma's quiz as well? No pressure, though!

from mariastuart :

Hooray for the decision! Good luck with it!!

from saudades :

Good luck with changing jobs; I hope it is as stress-free as possible. Also, I think C. is so cute!

from teranika :

beautiful! all beautiful! And the sun and trees are fabulous. (it's raining here. still.)

from fifidellabon :

HAH! Look at the chick and the dude in the second pic of the P.S. Funny! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Well, he looks like C! I haven't figured out why you and C are not together, but you must have written it down somewhere. I haven't had much time for archive surfing lately! And your new snaps are cute! I love that top that you are wearing. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Well, *I* would, but I am horrible, so that is a difference that we have, ja? Back to the sucky rose, now. It is almost gone. We are so bad! (Seriously, I flirt with everyone, regardless of gender, which is why I am one woman's Knightress in Shining Armour.) xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Hmmm...I ought to google you---Wally Runner, Canada, Fast! So! SO the bald/balding guys? Have you heard? They are totally Sex Guys! SO much fun!!!! I think that their hair goes because of all the testosterone. At any rate, I have found bald/ing guys to be ver-ee sex-ee! Not all of them, some are actually just neurotic knobs. Ned is quite hairy, actually, though. xoFifi (Must get back to the drinking!)

from fifidellabon :

I like the first one best but I do not know why. I am nearly comatose with exhaustion. Many parties, many,and there are more to go. to. Whatver. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Ah, so you are starting to Roll With It. Yes! Makes for a much easier life! Ideally! (AH-hahahahahaaaaaa!) xoFifi

from mariastuart :

Oh, that's not nice :( Don't worry, I would have cried too, so unfair!!

from fifidellabon :

Yes, that does sound like a shitty day indeed. Have a martini and don't think about it. Tomorrow is bound to be better! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, my, "Star Buck"? More like Space Cadet! Sistah, I'm telling you, he probably went because he knew that it was a matter of minutes only before you shot him away out of a cannon! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Steph, I send you hugs. He wasn't even worthy. And do remember, it is not personal. Different cultures have different ways, and many people would be tres chagrined (sp?) if they knew how they had trespassed on people. What is the expression, you know what I mean, though. Frankly, I am surprised that you haven't been snapped up by now. I mean, only look at you! Smart, acomplished, pretty, funny, good taste...why the list goes on and on! I'll tell you something. That was me before I met Ned. People wondered Why On Earth and all that about me. But I just wasn't ready, and wasn't ready to admit that I wasn't ready. Only when I got to the place where I was truly happy to be solo for my life then did things happen. It was after I briefly dated this (only the American word will do!) Farting man. He was proud of it and called himself Captain Combustion. Can you imagine! Yet I can giggle and snort over it now. When I sent him away, I realised that I would be all right no matter what. Solo, or no. That it was all going to be good. After that, I dated an old dude for a month or two, then I met Ned and everyone that I knew held their breath and prayed that I wouldn't send him off. And thanks be to God, I didn't! Oh Steph, the dating, she is a difficult game. So much wondering. But glorious fun as well! Thank you for the update on Gen. I wrote her a note, but I can't tell you how much I am hoping that things turn about for her. XOFifi

from teranika :

My mother always told me that, no matter what else you buy used, you should always buy winter parkas NEW. Because as coats age, they wear out and lose their ability to keep you warm. Now, I don't know if this is still true in this day and age, when coats go out with the change in fashion - I wear my coats into the ground so it is true for me...

from fifidellabon :

To me, it is obvious! You need one of each! You need the short parka for skating and stuff, and the long parka for those cold days when you just neeed it, and then the long one without a hood for the days when a hat and scarf is called for. I just found a dress that I had bought for now back in Summer and yesterday I bought a cashmere sweater that is long and cut so that it will look good. I plan to wear that with narrow trou or else a slim skirt. (Pee Ess I was hanging with a rock star from the eighties who is a really cerebral songwriter. Last night. That was The Thing.) xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Wel, I think that you look adorable, and that people would be happy to look like you! Now as for mismatched things, well, that is the hallmark of excellence. Matchy-matchy equals low class, at least where I come from. I have a drawer full of lovely old linens, like serviettes, cocktail mats etc. that are all handed down or flea-market finds and I think that they look ever so much better than those cheap, matching sets. All of us mix pretty things and fairly well the only things that match are wedding china, family silver, crystal, and in my case some really good Irish table linens. Your taste is excellent, from what I see of your pictures. One spends on what is important to one, don't you think, and frankly, we don't think that most electronics are really worth the bother. Might as well put your money to work making more money, non? No, I think that your life sounds lovely, and your taste is just perfect, and believe me I do judge people by their lack thereof. Oh, and you seriously want my life? You silly thing! I don't get North often enough and we've had no international travel in a year or two! But I am becoming quite the homebody. Well, I rahther adore my lfe, but it seems awfy simple and uninspiring when I read back entries here. I am very grateful for it, though, I can tell you that for sure!

from fifidellabon :

Hee! I got them at the supermarche (I know, I have been doing my own marketing lately, this MUST stop! ) right in with the other plasters. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I know. But she (Gen) at least went to the san, which bespeaks sanity right? I wish that the good things will happen for her.

from fifidellabon :

Oh, and I could ship you a D or even two, and still have a D left for me. Isn't that shocking?! Mortifying, even, but I fear the surgery. So I dress to conceal and just don't worry about it.

from fifidellabon :

Don't be silly, you have excellent taste. Now Martine, she is someone with horrible taste. Questionable at best, and so proud of it. At any rate, I never figured out my colours either because I didn't care enough to. Besides, is that not something from back in the dark ages? I pick what looks good on me, or else I have a stylist do it. I suppose that my taste might be questioned as well, but that is all irrelevent.

from fifidellabon :

Hah, cleavage peeking! I get so much of that that I don't even notice any more. I'm kind of on the overabundant side. I could help out a sister or two. Well, I must say, your pseudonyms are fantastic! You are such a good writer! I wonder what you will do about the career thing. Now I must be back to my port and saucisson. xoFifi

from mariastuart :

I LOVE your pictures! Ok, now I have to post pictures too!

from fifidellabon :

Biba loooves your Hello Kitty apron! She said "When I grow up, I am going to have one Just Like It!" xoFifi

from teranika :

brown is a great color on you. You must be an Autumn.... ;-)

from fifidellabon :

Steph, you are sooooo cute!!!! You are going to make some dude's heart so light! xoFifi

from teranika :

The way that I handle these potentially awkward situations is to pay extra attention to the girlfriend, and make an effort to her independent of the poet. When I have been 'the girlfriend', I was mostly put out when made to feel like a mere attachment instead of a human being.

from teranika :

No worries about the links! I am certain that the rent increase is within reasonable limits because our landlady is a neurotic paranoid about these things. But we will definitely make a mention of this point if nothing happens before the next rainstorm.

from teranika :

I'm guessing that C is the second photo - guy with glasses who looks German?? ;-)

from mariastuart :

You are never going to believe who I saw perform yesterday!!!! Yes, SOKO! And she sang "I'll kill her"!! She is so adorable, singing songs called "I think I'm pregnant" & "I hate your dog". So funny!

from saudades :

cute photos!! ^_^

from teranika :

I don't think I understand loyalty to a position that is not working. There are ways to explain to the senior executive that things are not working without saying, "my boss sucks," and in general if everyone else has left, the SE must already see that there is a problem. You can show loyalty and professionalism to your SE - in return you can expect professionalism regarding your personal and professional needs to move to a position more suited to you.

from saudades :

It's very inspiring besides. :)

from saudades :

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me!

from saudades :

that song is funny! ^_^

from mariastuart :

Oh, I love that song :) Don't we all want to sing songs like that from time to time?

from teranika :

I wonder if it's raining where you are...rain always puts an additional downer on things. happy thanksgiving, though! enjoy those pies. enjoy the zero. enjoy a RUN! Hey, make friends with the German dude.

from teranika :

Two years is a long time...and possibly long enough to convince a German to stay if it comes to that. And weren't you just saying last week that the big ZERO was getting you down? You were thinking it may be time for a change? And WHY IS IT that my neighbors have to MOW THEIR LAWN every three friggin' days????

from fifidellabon :

Heaven forfend I should quote Courtney Love, but...live through this. The week seems to be kicking the world's collective booty. The weekend is coming, though, and there will be wine, and garlic and sleep, non? And bread. Just pretend that you are twelve again. Or something. I think that perhaps you ask too much of yourself. Now I must go back to curl up into the fetal position! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh, Steph, I know waaayyy to much about animal husbandry as well. I majored in equine studies (I know, how embarrassingly either posh or fermeir, I haven't decided which, but I adore farmers, you know) and so I had some equine reproductive studies. The labs were very hands-on, is what they call it. Well, I know what an AV is and I've had to be the one to hold it. I used to call those labs "morning jerk-offs" is the best translation. xoFifi

from teranika :

Well, this sounds pretty true to life. You have to sort through an awful lot of hay to find the needle! I hope that in the end, there is a point to this guy. ;-)

from saudades :

about your story with the [german?]/economist guy: that's pretty incredible. i just happened to start reading your diary, it is lovely.

from fifidellabon :

Actually, it might just get you a husband! Contrary creatures, who can understand them?! xoFifi

from teranika :

It never ceases to amaze me how dating sites bring out the shopping list mentality in people. Seriously, this is not like picking out a pair of shoes. "They have to be red and size 37." ??? I'm assuming women do it, too, although truthfully I've always focused on the men's ads. Is it just that the dating sites bring this out in people, or do you think that our overly demanding consumer culture has extended into our dating lifestyles as well? How do you insert a quip into your profile to eliminate the shoe shoppers (one that doesn't make you also sound like a shoe shopper, and yet is simply enough for these two-brain-celled creatures to comprehend)????

from teranika :

These kinds of discussions are fun, actually. And even if the guy hasn't heard of these people - it's what happens NEXT that becomes more important. For example, you and I have just been driven into a notes frenzy about knowledge bases and media (what and where do we learn?) - simply not knowing something can lead to an interesting discussion. So I totally believe that your response to a guy is not based on what he knows, but the whole package Can you tell him enough about NK or SL for him to pick up the ball of conversation and take it somewhere interesting? (and yeah, "The Donald" is not a great starting point, unless you are referring to "The Duck" in my opinion.)

from teranika :

Last incidentally, I also hadn't heard of Berthold Brecht or Kurt Weill when I moved to Germany - something that surprised several of my colleagues, especially given that I'm a musician. I get the impression that my base of knowledge is very focused / small, and the way that I expand it most is by interacting with different types of people. I don't discover a whole lot of new things on my own but research once introduced. Interesting.

from teranika :

Oh by the way - I wasn't criticizing you. I was just finding it interesting that I hadn't heard of either of these people who were so self-evident to you, and I was wondering why! Incidentally, I did a quick check with K (the economist): He'd not heard of SLewis. When asked of NK, he also confused her with the Campbell model (like I did, duh), and then said 'of course' and knew exactly who she was. So she is no stranger to a German economist living in Canada.

from teranika :

Oh, I think that you are probably right, that both of them are bigger than national politics - it only took a few minutes of reading to see that NK is pretty 'global.' I was less certain about SLewis. But it's interesting to think of where our 'knowledge base' is centered. I pick up news literature centered around what I'm teaching, and I pick up people names and recognition almost exclusively through radio news. CBC Radio 2 news is pathetic (I think); I imagine that Radio 1 is better but I haven't been able to get into their programs and I still haven't found a good Canadian venue for an hour-long morning radio news show; I love NPR, but it is centered largely around the USA; BBC was (to me) the best and most broadly centered, but I didn't gain exposure to either of these people through the medium of radio. And at the end of the day, I don't tend to pick up literature on globalization or AIDS unless I am exposed to it via headlines. I'd be more likely to LISTEN to it on the radio, and more likely to pick up a newspaper item on gender equity, global warming, and energy markets (oh, and occasionally I indulge in a sick train-wreck fascination with Brittany S. ha.)

from teranika :

I guess I should post that last note a second time... But by the way, although I'd heard of NK, I couldn't have told you anything at all about her. And I'd never heard of SLewis...nothing a brief pass through wikipedia couldn't fix...but they hadn't really passed across my American radar. Maybe this guy isn't Canadian! (don't worry - I'm not making excuses for him...just confessing personal ignorance!)

from teranika :

You're right. He wasn't for you.

from teranika :

Made perfect sense. No one is the worse for wear - hope you had a great run with C!

from teranika :

You know what? You should write back to S. and tell him near exactly what you wrote in this entry. (a) you overreacted out sheer abominable how-the-heck- does-one-DO- this-date-thing nerves; (b) you feel like a 12-yr-old; (c) you understand that you've probably set off the "runaway" button; (d) but hey, in the end you think he's a nice guy. Be honest. Be yourself. You have nothing to lose anymore so you can just be nice. I have a friend who did this after she got drunk, hit on a guy, and then nearly threw up on him. Not surprisingly, he turned her down. The next day she went to his door to apologize and finished sincerely with,"the truth is, I do find you attractive, but that was really not the ideal way to express it, and I hope we can still be friends." Turns out he's gay. And they are still friends.

from fifidellabon :

GRRRRRRRRRRR-friend, you so totally do not suck!!!!! Also, Earl met his wife through a dating site. And that was soul-mate, love-of-life! And being twelve is not necessarily a bad thing. ( OOOOHHH! I loooved Cory Hart! ) And no, you did not break, damage or otherwise maim. Don't jab at your self-esteem, the rest of the world will do that for free, I've found. Now. When it comes to dudes, they do indeed do an awfy lot of seemingly stupid or incomprehensible things. If indeed he did get scared off by a strong, competent woman (with a brraaaiiinnn, oh the horror! ;) ) (I am so not good at emoticons, but that was a winky face next to a parenthase.) At any rate, if he was scared off, well, then you are correct, you didn't miss out. BUT---I know tons of dudes, well, at least seven, who delete a woman immediately after they are interested. One referred to it as "taking her out of the Maybes", so that's positive. Now, I really don't want you turning this dating drama inward on yourself. It won't do any good, and what if it gave you wrinkles or a headache? Oh, and if he is a smotherer, well, you've escaped a horrendous fate! I tell you this empirically! Now if this is well-ly and true-ly scrubbed, then oh well, a brief analysis with notes as to future missteps not to make, then that's fine. But no Dwelling On It. Now is the perfict time to be irresponsible! Don't take the blame! Let someone else do it! Don't even be so responsible as to delegate the blame to someone else! Twelve is really good for that. I am completely in touch with my inner twelve-year-old, these days. She's been sulking about, being all insecure and whiny. Gugh! If I were in your shoes, first, I'd be in Canada! Yay! Secondly, I'd wear my fav-o-riffic dress, and I'd buy myself flowers, and then I'd walk a little bit taller and probably smirk just a bit more, but that smirking is optional. I'd definitely pretend that I had a big secret, only not say a word about it. Apparently, that gives one an air of mystery. Och, how I do blether on. Or witter, as Anna would say. Have a happy, fun-filled irresponsible day! xo Fifi

from teranika :

MS has a point - as do you. I've also found that many men have a problem with competent women. If you are not traditional or entirely accepting of them, there is something wrong with YOU - you are 'screwy.' My favorite encounters were during my first months in NYC, on subways and in stores (back when I still had my svelt European body..). Men would flirt with me until they found out that I was a professor. Then they were usually rendered speechless. I would have had more success if I'd announced that I was a mortician. (not that I was looking, but it was fascinating to observe). The good news is that there are a few men out there who *can* handle it. (and interestingly, if you talk to Boston guy, he'll put a surprisingly male spin on this whole thing - he's a lovely intelligent, thinking, funny guy who seems to get dumped a lot, although really I don't know why - I can only guess that I see 'friend' side instead of 'date' side and that they are somehow wildly different.)

from mariastuart :

You know, this has nothing to do with you or your self esteem. This has to do with men who write to you every day and give you the wrong signals. When it gets "serious" they become scared and try to act like they never existed. It has nothing to do with you. Trust me, they do things like this with almost every woman they meet. Problem is that a lot of men act like this, so we get in these situations all the time! Btw, I know the feeling (what a surprise :)....

from teranika :

Some days you really just have to cry. Poor thing. Well, you are probably right in general not to complain about people at work. But you know, I'll bet that other people there have already noticed the situation and may even feel the same way as you. And further, I'll bet that were thinking "that E-blue, she must have had a really bad day to complain - that was unlike her."

from fifidellabon :

Oh dear, that's terrible. But how nice it is to be in demand in the work arena! Well, if it helps, I was a sobbing mess yesterday. I ripped open my finger and then someone yelled at me. Can you imagine! The yelling was done by a friend, but I showed him, I did, I ignored it and pretended that it never happened. Then when he apoplogised, I cried all over the place! Yikes! (Looove that word!) Everything will turn around somehow. A pity about S stopping the writing, I rahther liked him. Perhaps you could write to him? Just a wee line saying that you weren't quite yourself the other day, nerves make you pointy, you find that you quite miss him or some such thing. I've salvaged quite a lovely fling or two that way. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Exceptional = screwy (in a fun way!) = not normal = normal never changed the world! Now as to overanalysing, well, that's not neccessarily a bad thing, says one to another! Ned would say "It's all about balance" or something like it, all reassuringly. Also, as Teranika said, you do want to avoid the trap of "making" yourself fall in love with. That's no good either. But what if you just let it unfold? IF it doesn't work out, surely he will have some intellectual friends? I have more to say but unfortunately I do not have my English-speaking brain on, so I will have to think and then write you later? In the meantime, I have an assignment, should you wish to risk it. It is this: Flirt with three people today. Doesn't matter which sex. I flirt with everybody. DOesn't mean that I love them! xoFifi

from teranika :

awww - I don't think you're screwy. You put into words exactly how I've felt about men (and myself) before. Nothing seems to be wrong...and yet something still can be missing. I've often felt the way that you've described - as if I read too much, I've seen and done too much, I think too much. It does make you a challenge as a partner. There is no answer, except that it hurts me to hear that being an exceptional person somehow makes you screwy.

from teranika :

I have a tendency to think that one date may NOT be enough to know for sure how things stand, but I do understand exactly what you are saying about chemistry. You don't want to get yourself into a situation where you ultimately convince yourself that you are 'supposed' to like someone because of his many good qualities, when the OOMPH just isn't there. I dated an exceptionally bright and wonderful man for two years - who, ultimately, didn't provide the challenge that I needed - but our relationship began with a BANG! On the other hand, when I think about K, I was kind of interested in him in the beginning, but really it took a while - a few months - before I thought YOWZA about him. In any case, not feeling chemistry for someone is not a sign that there is anything wrong with you - if he made you feel comfortable, give it a second try. If it's still not there, you've given it a good shot. (and if you REALLY want intellectual ... there's always my friend in Boston ;-) kidding! kidding!).

from fifidellabon :

Right then, yes, well, I meant that you aren't actually marrying him, you are just dating him, non? From reading your last entry, it seemed as if you Actually Knew the Future!!! I don't mean to be constantly bossing you, although that is one of my finer talents, but it seems to me that you may have overanalysed this and taken all the fun out. What about the fun?!!! Can't you just date him and have a good time and accept that he is your fun date, and don't try making him into your first ex-husband? Heh, at first I wrote "sex-husband"! But I meant that you are far too vibrant and alive to close yourself off. Too much fun is out there! Why not gulp it in and to hell with the consequences? After all, how long did your worst consequence last without artifical life-inducement? 3 weeks tops, I'll bet. Granted, you are hearing from a person who has had two stalkers, but the first didn't last for more than three weeks tops, so...And I do, I do totally understand where you are coming from, with the intelectuall challenges and all. But only think, he was probably nervous and not at top form. He was probably walking that fine line of trying to impress you and trying not to repel you. All right, I'll stop. Oooh, ooh, I had to sit on my hands to not type more. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Steph-an-ieeee! Yes, one date is too soon for a write off. Do you buy a gown after one try-on? Do you buy a property without many lookovers (OH cats, I'll have to finish this later, but I am deffo not done, and neeither are you!) Remember, you are good and I'll get back to you later. xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Well? Tell! xoFifi

from mariastuart :

I can send you the password, I don't mind people reading the diary. I only don't like it when ex girlfriends of my ex boyfriend are reading it. There are a lot of sick people out there :) You may always send me me a mail to *** [email protected] ***

from mariastuart :

I wonder too what the rule is about staying over or not...But I think I agree with the note from the one who was here before. Difficult decision! Certainly when the man is sooo nice..Anyway, I hope it will be a nice date!!! I've been reading your diary for a while and I LOVE it! It feels like I'm reading words from myself :)

from fifidellabon :

Yay! I'm excited as well. Now, do not, do NOT jump his bones, (looove that expression!) I command you! The dudes, they say that that would be ideal, but then they bail. Ned and I, we waited at least six weeks, (and we knew each other for months before that) but I think that it was longer. If you are the advancer, well, rein it in, Sugah, but if he is the advancer, you could say "I know that it would be wonderful, and that we both could handle it, but...I just think that if we rush into that, we might miss something...important, and I'd hate for that to happen." Then he thinks that you are even smarter, and that you see him for the treasure that he is. Integrity points!!! Plus, did you ever have a conversation with a fun, new friend and then they "let it all hang out" waaay too soon? Kind of ruins the fun and the friendship, I think. Anyway, have a wonderful time. You rock! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

You absolutely MUST fly somewhere. Let's see, Iceland is fun, but really more fun in the Winter. Italy is always fun except for the driving. Where would I go? Well, Switzerland or Sweden, I think. Yes, that's it! Lands of chocolat! Actually I think that you should go to Italy and do a mini tour and hit all the museums. You could linger picturesquely in front of masterpieces. Ye, that's the very thing! Oh noo!!! I've just had an even better idea!!! You could go to Paris and visit Gen!!! Wouldn't that be larks! You'd be good for her!

from teranika :

Oh, this sounds strangely similar to when I deal with modelers and have to send them data (with the exception of a few who are really good with everything). The modelers want ONE NUMBER. They don't want to know the source of the number. NOTHING. That's MY job. It's an interesting scientific cultural exchange. But not the same as when your boss demands it - oy.

from fifidellabon :

Saturday!Holiday!Yay!

from teranika :

OH, and I hope that you are able to cope with those dreaded allergies! ugh. I used to own Middlemarch, but liked it a lot less than Wives and Daughters. Today I'm entranced with Gosford Park as my escapist movie-for-rainy-weather.

from teranika :

Oh you make perfect sense. You know, I only realized while writing that entry that everyone there was an ex-pat American. Actually, I do have some reasonably good Canadian friends here, too. For some reason, it's just taking a bit longer to connect with them. I chalk that up to being in a Big City, and also just to politeness - you are more careful about offending people who might take offense with your honesty, even if it is not meant to offend. And probably also to the surprising connection you have with people who have come from the same place! But I do wonder if you've encountered the same Vancouver thing - have you come across someone who is completely shocked if you don't think everything about Vancouver is absolutely wonderful???? A couple of friends from UBC pointed this out to me, and it's probably made me unduly cautious...I hope all is going well with your latest date?

from fifidellabon :

Awww, you...you're so cute. I say go ahead and date the dude. He'll be your cleanser after that one who didn't work out earlier this year. I have to admit he sounds more than a bit of a shit. The bad one! The new one, well why not?! You work hard, so why not have fun? And don't listen to me bossing you all about! Pee Ess I was in the fiiieeeelds today! Picking, and thinking of you, how much you'd like it. We even got sunflowers today! (I actually accidently wrote "sinflowers" at first. That should be a real word. Meaning "a floral gift from an illicit lover". xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Mmmmm! Butternut squash anything is good!

from fifidellabon :

Silly! You don't have to do that survey. I never do. I did that one for the first time and I don't even have a good reason for why I did. xoFifi

from teranika :

yes, I'm thinking of renaming my house Wolfgang. Maybe just Wolfgang Duplex.

from teranika :

I love Schulze! The movie was filmed fairly close (alhtough not TOO close) to the town where K and I lived. So much of that movie makes me homesick: the railroad tracks, the bicycles, the windmills, the chess club, and of course the Kneipe...Schulze's house reminds me of a friend's house (named Wolfgang - the friend, not the house). The whole movie is a huge nostalgia trip for me - so beautifully filmed - may have to watch it tonight.

from fifidellabon :

Mmmm! Sounds as if you've been having fun! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Wow! Did your pants really come off??!! hee! xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Beets! I've done it as well! From the farm! Only we didn't have to pull them ourselves. Yes, beets are wonderful! Now, as for being less than kind to yourself, I've an uncle who says "There is a big line of people looking to kick your ass. Why help them out??!" or along those lines. I know that being a control freak in my case can lead to excessive self-criticism. But that only makes me miserable, so it can't be leading to a big party for you. So let's try to drop that, shall we? Besides, you are so cute! I didn't know that you were 37 until I read that little bit on your profile. You look much younger. Seems a glamourous age! xoFifi

from teranika :

Rock on, enfinblue! I'm with you 100% on that entry - all of the little meandering bits. obesity is complex. We tend to look for 'easy' solutions to societal problems - be they to blame a culture (America or other) or to simply say, "you eat too much." Expressing emotions can create strength rather than signal a weakness. But for many people, food feeds emotions instead of nourishing the body. For others, it's all genetics. I'm with you all the way on this one. Like you, I just feel sad sometimes. And like you, I just let it happen, but not without some part of my mind churning over some kind of way out. This was a cool entry.

from teranika :

Funny you should mention yoga because I just today looked up two studios in my neighborhood. Both have prenatal classes that fit my schedule and both are really inexpensive! It's definitely worth a try.

from teranika :

That just sounds like such a great day! You know, in reading that entry I realized that you may share a bit of traveler's syndrome. You have lived in so many places that it becomes difficult to feel settled in one place, and to feel understood by the people in that place. You've done to much that is beyond most people's horizons, and difficult to explain to them. It doesn't impede your ability to make friends, but it makes it difficult to feel understood. (This could just be me projecting...)

from fifidellabon :

Huh. We were updating at the exact same time!

from teranika :

thanks for your note about productivity in these three countries. I got my info from an op-ed piece that I read on cbc - not remotely quantitative, simply a Canadian journalist in France. I should have asked you sooner, because I knew you would have the numbers ;-). I love it, you are my new trusted source for economics figures in Canada!

from fifidellabon :

Oh, I was so harsh this morning! What's more, I'm afraid that I have a postscript to add! I am TOTALLY enjoying your archives!!! You are the best writer! Shall I confess that I've actually tried to write better? But sadly, no. Trato, pero no. Muy triste!

from fifidellabon :

Ah...that's "pretend". Now I shall so pren-tend that I never ever make typos. /Fifi

from fifidellabon :

Oh! What a fun entry! I am still truly gobsmacked by what strangers will tell just anyone. Did he think that all those affairs were a selling point? But here is what I think. I think that he was goading you with the prudish body language comment. I suppose that he wanted you to spontaneously combust into passion (prentend that this last part is in italics) right before his eyes!!!! What a man he would be, hein? I'm sure that you already know not to take his comments overseriously. As for being one of less attractive people at your Workplace? The you must work at Superhot Smokin' Labs or something! Hee! Although I know that feeling as well, but with intelligence. Workplace is deliberately populated with high intelligence, so that it can make one feel quite the bonehead at times. No use in comparing, I think. Now go and have yourself a Smokin' Hot Day! xoFifi

from teranika :

Good that you are laughing - because I still am! The good news is that I rarely use really toxic stuff in my lab, and so the acid sink is not SUPER critical. One thing I read about France, interestingly enough, is that French workers actually accomplish more in a work day than do overtired Americans or Canadians. But even though their efficiency is higher, productivity is balanced out by the fact that North Americans just work more hours in the year. I'd kind of like to go more towards the French way of doing things in that we ALL shut down for two weeks in August. I sometimes wonder if I would be more productive if I actually took mandatory holidays!

from fifidellabon :

Well I know all about the "found a mistake" feeling, especialy when it was a boneheaded one. But by tomorrow, it will be but a distant memory!

from teranika :

okay...umm...so....where's the ORANGE? It umm, looks like MY hair color....(reddish brown). I guess it's a shock when compared with your darker haired self, but truly, Ronald McDonald would have been fired if that were his orange.

from teranika :

Okay - so - I keep reading your older entries now. I actually do tend to read through most of the books of authors I really really like, although rarely chronologically. I found that neither Robertson Davies nor Iris Murdoch felt dated when I read them. They were clearly set in different periods, but nevertheless the themes were still relevant and/or intriguing. Now onto the HAIR PHOTOS. I'm very curious...

from teranika :

p.s. - that dinner sounds FABULOUS - yes yes YES take the cooking course. And if you want to mix it with art, there's always Thai vegetable carving!

from teranika :

You have my complete sympathies!! I HATE HOT (seriously, a main reason why I needed to get out of NYC to a better clime). Oh, and since today was mundane day - I found a totally non-sweetened organic cranberry juice - it's like getting a punch in the face it's so sour - but GREAT with sparkling water. Good luck keeping cool! (there's always the wet wash cloth at night trick!).

from teranika :

mmmm - raspberries and white wine! lovely!

from fifidellabon :

Ooooh! I like all the artwork!

from fifidellabon :

You're welcome!

from teranika :

excellent quip. I cannot imagine anyone in my current working life saying either the words 'donkey' or 'dick' let alone together. Incidentally, one of the things that I admire about you is that even when you are down you keep kicking. Going out for movies, enrolling in classes, therapeutic runs. Your life may not be where you want it at the moment, but you are always trying something to get it there. Date when you feel like it, don't force yourself when you don't. My mother found her beloved when she was 50. My dear colleague in England found hers at 42. My sister-in-law married at 41 and had her first child at 42. They are all wonderfully happy. It doesn't necessarily answer the motherhood question, but perhaps these examples are existence proofs that magic can happen at any time, and that it is worth the wait.

from teranika :

Sounds like you were set with food without the mozzarella or the dates! I was cracking up with the potato comment. Idaho, Red, or New?

from teranika :

You can never go wrong with tomatoes drizzled with oil and balsamico - and of course basil and buffalo mozzarella if you can find it. Oh, and dates wrapped in bacon always go over well, unless you're serving a vegetarian crowd.

from teranika :

Okay - this is weird. I was just thinking about flip-flops this morning (in the context of: hmmm, that lady is wearing flip-flops. Y'know, I'd really like to have a pair of flip-flops that I can wear to the pool so that I don't catch a fungus. Do you think that you can still get a cheap pair, now that they've gone and gotten all CHIC on me????

from teranika :

Hi again, actually it made perfect sense to me (which perhaps says we think in similarly disjointed ways?;-). I'm just so new to the idea of entering a housing market, that it's good to get tips (like not being able to deduct from taxes...)! We've also learned that any house would be in K's name, because Canadian/US tax agreements tend to produce a losing situation taxwise. Anyway, the whole babyboomer issue is one that I had not thought of - my memory of Ottawa is that those little single-family houses are beautiful...

from teranika :

Hi there! Yes, it's good for ME to remember the same - that so much of the world doesn't have what I have. There is a possibility that the Canadian market may follow the US market, yes? In which case those housing costs may drop in the coming year.. One can be hopeful..

from fifidellabon :

How abut a Chimay float?! We just had a rabid bat here...

from fifidellabon :

Hey, you! I'm glad that you liked the entry! /xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I meant "really"...

from fifidellabon :

Ontario? Prohibition? Now that is just too, too funny! Also, I relly must dive back into your archives!! /xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

AH-hahahahahaaaaaaa! Warren Peese! I shall do the flower entry probably this evening. It's been a rough couple of days. But all is well, or as well as it can be. Well, it's well Chez Fifi! /xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

You hang on. You will get through this. Actually as we are linear beings, there isn't actually any choice! I know impirically that things can be horrible, but whilst you aren't noticing, the bad will begin to crack. I wish that I could be of help. I feel so useless these days.

from fifidellabon :

They are nice, aren't they, bats, that is. I could hear them chattering to each other. Hopefully not plotting against me! Have you ever head a hummingbird twitter as it zooms past your ear? That's something indeed!

from fifidellabon :

All right, now I simply *must* get to Canada soon. I'll be keeping my eyes open for that apricot! Alexander Keith's---hee! Ned said about it "Well, it pours well!" Some dude gave us some one time as we came into the Cape Ann lookoff on CBI. Days later, I get engaged there to Ned. Heh. My engagement story, now there's a funny one! ooh! Your pc blowup sounds fun! /xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Apricot lager...now I'll have to try that! I do adore the lambics and the krieks, though. And the alcohol! Do you know, I wondered whether I'd read that corrctly, you did indeed write with eyeliner. Aw-haw-hawe-some! I once wrote all over a car with a lipstick. Creative, that's me! /xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

Hallo, Bleue! I don't exactly know if there is a backstory, but Evan is a former boss, back when I worked for Da Man. He didn't just want to manage me, he wanted to Do Me Up, rahther a lot, I'd say. Years later, he calls me (no idea of how he gets my number..) for no apparent reason. Needs "help" with something. I'll say he needs help! Changed my name due to a stalker. Actually I've had two, but one is mercifully dead. Also when I got married I did change family names. Yes, well, either sadly or entertainingly, I am a bit of a Drunk Blogger at times. I used to be very "stilted" as one horror of a bloggeress informed me. Whilst "reaming me a new one" I believe the old expression goes. Hah! And here I think that I am fluent in Americanese. (Is that a real word?) Well, Miss Ess, I am still in 2004 of you. What a fantastically interesting life you lead! Your writing is wonderful! It's like a really good book, like one of the Austins or something. The pictures that come to mind are so vivid, but really so other-century. I think that you are a very fine writer! /xoFifi Hee! I just by accident sent this to my own notes!

from fifidellabon :

Oh, silly you! If you think that your grammar is off, well, try my ESl for a while. I'd swear that I have it perfect, and then I re-read, then go have another drink. But I really do think that my Americanisms are spot-on. I've been disagreed with, but hope flows on! /xoFifi

from fifidellabon :

I'm in 2003 right now, in your archives. They're wonderful! They are like a thinking woman's thoughts of a hundred years ago. I simply adore them! Your writings, you know. I used to be a runner, but a riding injury turned me into a rahther vigorous walker. All right, I'm back to your archives! /Fifi

from fifidellabon :

Hallo, enfin! I have been reading you, in a way, through G de P's comments. I shall be the one strolling through your archives in the next few, just so that you don't worry. I simply adore Gentry, don't you?! She's magnificient! I've added you to my list as well. /Fifi

from teranika :

It sounds like you were kinder than I might have been to your neighbor's mother, especially when feeling cranky in the heat! You know, I wonder about this idea that we have to LIKE everything that we feel we SHOULD do. Most companies don't LIKE that they have to contribute $$ to charities, but they do it for public relations (that's a generalization, of course). Still, if I were a charity, I'd still accept the donation as generous, even though I knew that they weren't necessarily making it for "my" reasons. I'm not certain if this applies to your situation or not...but it sounds like you went above and beyond.

from teranika :

It's interesting what happens to influence our feelings, and how important outside opinions of our beauty can be. Yesterday I was sitting on the sky train and I saw two beautiful young women (I thought they were beautiful) chatted up by a very strange guy. I came home and relayed the story to K, and said, "Thank god I'm not a beauty. I would really hate to get that type of attention all the time." K was horrified by my perception of myself. But I'm rather comfortable with the fact I've never drawn any attention for my looks, and mostly it doesn't bother me, because I feel that my portrayed beauty is under my control. Still, to be told that your facial features are inadequate - and by your mother! - is a tragedy. E-blue, I am sure you know that your beauty is in your whole person: your athleticism, kind nature, intellectualism and even insecurities. And quite frankly, from the one picture I saw, your nose fits you. It looks like a natural part of the whole composition of your face, and any other nose would be out of place, I think. You come as a package. And you are cute.

from pink-circle :

Awesome. :) Let me know what you decide. ~Phoenix

from pink-circle :

*The Circle of the Phoenix* Hi, I'm Phoenix, and I'd like to personally invite you to join The Circle; a writers' and artists' group for diaryland members. It's a public journal, so that anyone can post to it, but members have profiles on the site, as well as critiques, and once promoted to Apprentice have buttons to show off their achievements on their site. I hope you don't take this as spam, you can just delete this message if you're not interested, but if you are, please visit our welcome page: http://pink-circle.diaryland.com/welcome3.html -- Thanks for your time -- Atara Phoenix

from teranika :

You poor thing. You know, feeling chronically ill is enough to drop your mood to zero, no matter what kind of great life you have. Yes, check out your health, please.

from teranika :

what a gorgeous looking place to visit! No, I think they were really talking about a 100-mile dinner (all food produced within 100 miles of Vancouver). But now that I have this link...it might be a nice getaway for me and K...

from teranika :

Let me know when you want my friend S's email.. :-) He's very shy when you meet him, but he's definitely a thinker. Oh by the way, you would have been very proud of me. After ranting in that note to you yesterday, I wrote the most level, diplomatic email you'd ever seen, and I think it paid off. I may have finally cut through the paperwork. Of course, I've hoped this on three separate occasions only to have it fail..fingers crossed! And of all people to know the stats on the number of academic returns to Canada, I imagine that you are the person who would know them! I'd be interested to hear more sometime.

from teranika :

yes, I remain amazed. And astoundingly frustrated. The security work is STILL not done (because the three offices have not yet been able to coordinate what they told me would be done two weeks ago). And, this morning I was told that my two full days of research on equipment purchases was 'wrong.' If any one were to ask me why there is a brain drain from this country, I could give a long answer about bureaucracy.

from teranika :

And now I just read your entry! Awesome. You know of course, when you are happy like this you are at your absolute sexiest, and this is when men appear like mushrooms after rain whether you want them to or not!! (I think this concept was mentioned in Bridget Jones somewhere. must have inner poise.)

from teranika :

eegads. fatigue has set in - I hope you can meander through the incorrect words in that last note! (herbals = herbal; three = through, for example..)

from teranika :

interestingly enough, lemon ginger is one of my two favorite herbals teas (and one that got me three two weeks of job interview talks last week - it keeps you alert AND it fights nausea at the same time.) I just bought two boxes of the stuff!

from teranika :

Lovely entry. You sound very upbeat.

from teranika :

the happy pic looks GREAT! The lucky is blurry enough that you looked like a young Jane Fonda!!! ;-)

from teranika :

Ooo! Thanks for the link - I think I misread the HR info. I think that the reduced maternity leave salary will not be paid to you until you have officially returned to work for two months. But now I think that I'll check it out directly with HR...

from teranika :

You've inspired me! I'm going OUT.

from teranika :

Oh e-blue, we ALL crash and burn. We ALL listen to good advice and ignore it until we are ready to take it. There is no punishment in that. Your afternoon with the poet sounds really great, and it sounds like exactly what you needed! Things will get better!

from teranika :

BUT WAIT! she's not done yet! I was just reading last week in adbusters about 'The Compact' - I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's a group of people in California who have vowed not to buy anything for a year. The point is to limit their addictions to consumerism. I may write a blog entry about this today - but it sounds as though you are on your way with your apartment!

from teranika :

Oh, and I'm also not over the sense of awkwardness in being around people. On days when I let myself just be myself, I come away questioning whether or not I've gone too far! It's tough. I kind of wish you were out in Vancouver because I think I'd like to have a coffee with you.

from teranika :

I think I've been in that place where you are right now. But I don't think that I would describe it as fraud. More like drifting away from your favorite parts of you. There were months in the past where I would feel the need to hide myself away from the world. I always felt someone guilty about being a hermit for so long...but I had a good (stable) friend (my age) who told me that she does it, too. It's okay. Some people just need to cocoon for a while. I'm the same way. Now it sounds as though you want to come out of it. That's great, and you could applaud yourself for feeling ready to spread your wings a bit, rather than beating yourself up over needing a period of isolation.

from teranika :

I've never quite understood the notion of celebrating Queen Victoria's birthday. It seems very colonial...but hey, it's better than celebrating a mass-murderer like Columbus, and both are really a quite good excuse for barbie, right?

from teranika :

Happy happy Birthday!!! Wow, you are so young. ;-). Hope you and your friends have a wonderful time!!!!

from teranika :

How about a cool silk head scarf? They are all the rage, right? Not to cover your WHOLE head...and not to make any kind of religious statement. But check out the lower left on http://www.scarf-sale.com/ or http://www.bouve.com/wrap.php or consider a scarf that is more like a scarf headband....eh, I SHOULD be saying that I'm sure you look fine!!! (but I know you won't believe me so i'm tryin' the head scarf idea..)

from teranika :

I'm glad you like the 'do! You posted a picture a while back (pre-Ronald, I think), and I remembered your face while looking. Good tip about the sore muscles - it does explain the shoulders. But I'm wondering if these other pains are 'good pains' - they are sitting on bones. It actually feels like I've sprained something in my hand. But no worries, the sun is shining.

from teranika :

So here's a cool one that might work for you (check out #5): http://hairstyles.free-beauty-tips.glam.com/short_hairstyles.html Alternatively, try this out: http://hairstyles.virtual-hairstyles.com/consultation.html

from sunpowered :

Well, the urge just isn't coming back. I really just feel all-written out! Have you ever felt that way about a diary or some writing project? Like you're just done? You just feel complete? That's how I feel. Like there is nothing to write. I think of Forrest Gump when he tells you what he tells you, and then he's done. He said it. No need to elaborate. Same here! :-) Back to packing. I'm feeling very discerning today. If it doesn't make me feel good: it goes to Goodwill. Hope you're having a fabulous weekend. Best wishes to you and all your explorings. :-P

from teranika :

Oh hey, I think I'm equally neurotic (!) and neurosis in small doses is fine (I hope..hmm..maybe I should worry ;-). I agree completely with what you are saying about finding cultural differences. I find the topic somewhat boring, although I am occasionally confronted with situations that I clearly don't understand, and on these situations the easiest thing to do is to attribute them to a cultural difference...but most of the time you are just meeting people.

from sunpowered :

You're so welcome. And I guess I should update... I hadn't felt the desire until you said you missed reading my diary. It's settled then. I'm going to update tonight, later after I get some boxes packed. We're moving to our own place finally. Ironically, at the brother's demand! I did NOT see THAT coming! Not updating was two-fold - I just wasn't feeling I could write honestly while knowing I was being read. And plus, Rick reads me, and sometimes he and I get too close, and that blurs things with how I feel about Michael. Occasionally I distance myself from Rick via not updating. Clears my head and gets me back to reality. Even if I was single, I live in TX and Rick lives in PA, so a romantic relationship is not a good idea anyway. Sorry for the novel here! I hate how scattered caffeine makes me. Anyway, have a fabulous Saturday night! From your biggest fan in Texas!

from teranika :

I was just about to send you a note when I got yours!! I soo want to see this hair now. What kind of awful hairdressers were they?? I put color in my hair all the time and this never happens..You poor thing! But hey, isn't it great when your biggest problem is a HAIR CRISIS?? Congrats on the new job, the new beau. Just be wonderful, supportive, funny, interesting, and slightly neurotic you :-) - you are adorable as a whole package.

from sunpowered :

You are so frickin' adorable and endearing! * * Big fun weekend wishes to you! * * It is so heartening to see someone else out there who so thoroughly needs some blatant, carefree fun in her life. And so thoroughly deserves it! Go get 'em, Tiger! Rarrr! :-P

from culotte :

fingers crossed! When's the next date?

from teranika :

Oh, I hope this works out for you! And great that he'll move to Ottawa. It's horrible to go through life dating someone with a tragic postal code. K uses TD Can Trust, and I keep considering a switch....

from teranika :

Ok, ok...I won't send you his email after all! You sound giddy!

from teranika :

Hey there! I just sent you an email regarding my new career as a matchmaker... You can either RUNAWAY or say "okay why not?"

from culotte :

We must track down this man and kill him. I will help.

from teranika :

Little-Boy-Man-Friend. Is that, like, his new Indian name? love it! Have a wonderful wonderful wonderful time- be sure to shove in one small black dress. You never know...

from culotte :

Wait! Is that why I'm in chronic poverty. Because I'm an immegrant? I must read this paper.

from hungryghost :

NYC trip? We should get coffee or something. Email me: matin at bust dot com.

from teranika :

ooooo! my favorite work colleague lives near W. 73rd and the Park. You're right down the road from Lincoln Center. And if you just hope on the 1/9, and get out at 4th Street, you are a mere hop skip and jump from Murray's Cheese and Porto Rico coffee. Walk further to the SE and you are in shopping heaven! The Village is my favorite area - it's the romantic NYC that Woody Allen made famous. Oh and if you like Indian Food? 6th Street and 2nd Avenue. Take the F train down to Houston - walk forward out the 2nd ave exit. Go up ~6 blocks and follow your nose! mmmmm. I miss New York! (feel free to send your Vancouver faves my way...)

from teranika :

Eegads. I just re-read that. If only I had an editor. My thoughts were all over the place. Be sure to take care of yourself.

from teranika :

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong...The main feature that was missing before was his INTEREST in you. Of course, since you said "buzz off," he's been nothing BUT interested. If/when you have a coffee, I would pay very close attention to his level of interest. If you still have feelings for him, and he demonstrates a change, should you remain so resolute? I'm sorry, I'm just a diary-reader (!), so I'm not there for the full story! But I do find with my intelligent female friends that there is always an element of their going with their hearts even when their heads say "RUN AWAY!" Most of the time, it ends up hurting them later...but if you only knew the tragic story of teranika and K...wow. YEARS of "c'mere c'mere c'mere - go away go away go away" on K's part. I dealt with his being a flip flopper for years. But my heart wouldn't let go of him, and in his case he came around. I know. not helpful. Well, I'm just sorry this guy has you befuddled. Remember, it *is* Spring...when a young man's fancy turns to...well, lawn furniture in K's case.

from teranika :

GO CRAZY, TEA GRANNY! :-)

from teranika :

"he" by the way, is K. In case that wasn't explicitly obvious in my cryptic yet spastic note...

from teranika :

great decision about the hair. Life is too short to waste on a constant state of hair crisis (which is, well, how I spend my life, so do as I say, not as I do...). Oh, and great news on everything else, too. The job, the run, the bike, the pitiful ex...I've not been running for a MONTH :-( and I feel physically awful. But my workload has finally lightened up and so he and I may be back out in no time. Oh, and I COMPLETELY understand tendencies towards apartment slothing. But you will love NY. You will, you will!

from sunpowered :

Thank you. It is just a matter of not spending my money, and instead saving it for the purpose of moving on to a house. Focusing on the main goal is smarter than wallowing in my little annoyances, I know. Easy to say; harder to do sometimes! A lovely Sunday to you. Thank you for keeping your online diary - oftentimes your little site is an oasis of civility for me. I mean that. Much respect and admiration, @->-

from teranika :

Okay, this ex-boy is TEXTBOOK. There's little doubt that you are interesting. But isn't it fascinating how MUCH MORE interesting you are when you are scarce?

from sunpowered :

I agree! You ARE fabulous company!

from teranika :

WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Celebrate!!!! I'm thrilled for you! (umm, maybe you should describe what job you got?)

from teranika :

okay, so I just re-read my entry, and I see that I never actually STATED that I agree with you! D'oh. I guess it was so obvious to me that I forgot to do it. Anyway, no worries. Everything you said was perfectly reasonable and not at all offensive.

from teranika :

Eegads, I was never anywhere CLOSE to being offended! I'm sorry if I made you feel that way! I totally agree with you! It's an issue that I always think about - in fact I got a telephone call from my alma mater this evening (asking for money), and the young student working the phones asked me whether I thought it was better to go straight through, or to take a break. I smiled to myself at the coincidence of the question!

from teranika :

Huh, you've made me think of another interesting point. Where I went to grad school, being a 'team player' was regarded as a weakness for a potential faculty member. They were looking for people who would bring in tons of grants and build strong, independent empires. As you might imagine, this built up a very special environment full of alpha male gorillas. Oh, by the way, I also went straight through for my degree, without time out for a 'real' job (not counting years of work study in food services, secretarial pools, and data tech positions). But I always wished that I had taken at least a year out of the academic stream. I agree that there are MANY benefits to having experienced multiple work environments. I think that everyone should serve as a secretary at least once in their life. They should know what it feels like to be an well-meaning underling who makes an honest mistake. It's at those moments that you realize how easy it is for a boss to crush you or to lift you up. I may write a blog entry about this now...

from beetilda :

Why, thank you! I thought so as well!

from teranika :

Huh, you've just made me think of something: my relationship with K works because he is more stubborn about being conciliatory than I am about being right ;-). (no, no, that's not EXACTLY how it is, but it sounded funny). But you are right, academia just seems to cultivate stubbornness. And attract whackos. There are seriously a large number of mentally unstable people in academia. You've worked in both worlds. Are the numbers in academia really disproportionate??

from teranika :

One of my points of advice to my friend (who is chair) is to speak with our friendly colleague personally and openly - to ensure that a disagreement doesn't develop into a multi-year feud. She thinks that she succeeded, and that they are still friends. My other thoughts on these things are that academics really are in it for the long haul - it really is possible to have a colleague next door to your office for 25 years - and these days most marriages don't last that long! Keeping a working relationship is a tough thing. My theory is that academics fight over trivial details because the power base is so abstract. In 'real' jobs, it's tied to money. But academics have to battle over weenie size because they don't get any money to begin with - it's more "my lab" or "my idea" is bigger than yours...

from teranika :

No, this is already further than my knowledge goes on the topic. "Women are better multi-taskers" has just entered the common lingo, and I've never heard where - Thanks!

from teranika :

Ohhh dear. And it's MARCH already. Well, make sure that it's a GOOD wine (life's too short for bad alcohol). And enjoy the TV, too. Thinking of you.

from sunpowered :

Fingers crossed! Have a fabulous time with this tantalizing gent. EnJOY, Wild Wolf Woman!!! That big full moon up there is for you! :-)

from teranika :

au contraire - this was much more interesting than an entry about sofas! I'll have to check out some of these movies, now. I do the same as you do with outside activities - oh well, maybe I'll join them next time. At some points it was just necessary for me to stay in my cocoon (in Queens, for example), because I was so physically and emotionally exhausted that I didn't have the energy needed to extend myself to people. That is a sad state, but sometimes I think it just happens. And incidentally, if you *do* find yourself on a plane to Vancouver, and need a place to crash - you might have heard that we have this big red sofa in our living room :-). It's all yours if you need it (although I suspect you have other friends from before!).

from culotte :

Choking on cheese! That's my biggest fear! Choking on melted cheese. I have to talk on the phone when I eat a hot delivered pizza. Otherwise they'll find me a week later crust clutched in my rigamortused hand....

from metonym :

I'm a Wednesday child too. Alas, there's some accuracy to the rhyme I think.

from teranika :

Oh, I forgot to say, guilty ex's can come in handy. I fell in love with a guy who neglected to tell me about the woman he had been dating for four years (she was off in the field for the three months when we dated), and so it was kind of a shock when she came back and they moved in together. Does it lower your opinion of me to know that after I got over my urge to pummel him, I still called him to fix my car for years after that? ;-) Guilt can be a very useful thing... Good luck with your job application...

from teranika :

EXCELLENT! I'm hoping for a cheese night myself tonight....

from teranika :

I tell you, it's February. We are getting closer to the end of it, and then both of us will have better lives. I'm absolutely sure of it!!

from teranika :

I figured you knew. It's that whole head-convincing-your-heart thing. I hate that.

from teranika :

Hey, if you can't waste words in your (semi) private diary, then where CAN you?? As for your being "too difficult" - pretty clear indication that you don't fit together - he hasn't exactly been a summer's breeze for you, so I hope that you don't internalize that its not working is somehow your fault. The beauty of (finally) finding K was finding somewhat who thinks that I'm absolutely easy to be with, without either of us having to change (compromise, yes, change, no.). Oh and as for women on the walls - one of my favorite women colleagues devotes her wall space to medieval paintings of women with strong faces. It's wonderful. So get in touch with your gay side then...

from teranika :

oooh, my dear. This sounds soo familiar. There was a time that I wondered what is was with married men, because they were the sleezewumps who always felt 'safe' enough to tell me that I was wonderful. I do think that your friends are right, though. The emailer could waste a lot of your time, and he'll feel just fine about it because he's "been up front with you." There is, however, no cure for feeling the way you do at the moment. You just have to believe that you are wonderful and worth it for a little while, and then the evidence will come pouring in on its own.

from teranika :

Oh, and no problems with not using the comments feature. I rather LIKE the notes feature - it feels more personal.

from teranika :

yes, what a jerk. Good luck on your interview today! The main lesson I learned from my first aid course is NEVER tell someone to "just relax" unless you want to watch them flip. So consider this me not telling you...but crossing my fingers and saying that you will be awesome!

from metonym :

Wow. What a jerk.

from teranika :

I was wondering if the running could contribute. On Sunday I did my furthest and strongest yet (although it still feels minimal!), and thought perhaps I just wasn't getting enough water today. But I think I'll try your scheme - thanks! Oh and incidentally, I think that K would be an eager guinea pig for your Canada economics book!

from teranika :

yesss! it was heavenly. And they even loan out fondue pots and raclette boards, no extra charge. But in NYC there are two fantastic stores: Murray's (CHEESE) and Porto Rico's (FRESH ROASTED COFFEE BEANS) - both on Bleecker Street. My favorite sunny day activity is to take a subway to Brooklyn Promenade, and from there walk over the Brooklyn Bridge, down the east side past south street seaport, round the southern tip (with a stop for a ride on the Staten Island Ferry), and then up the west side through Battery Park, and then cut across to Greenwich Village, just in time to get glass of prosecco somewhere on Bleecker Street. It takes a few hours but it's a gorgeous (and free) way to see NYC on foot!

from culotte :

Dude! Details! (Imagine that I'm pour you a scotch neat rigth now).

from culotte :

good food=really good. Bon appetit ma copine.

from metonym :

The west 70s are great, especially for brunch or cafes or music. What sort of things are you looking for, what sort of ambiance/price range, etc.? Do you want to try to get lunch or something?

from teranika :

ooh - and now I just read your entry - there's ALOT in that one! You have a lot going on right now, and still I'm so pleased that you sound very positive. I will think of some places in New York - the East Village has wonderful restaurants, and Greenwich Village has the best coffee shop in the world! Oh how I miss it!

from teranika :

Oh thanks! I've been thinking of you this weekend for several reasons. I told K all about the NYTimes story to which you linked while we were walking, and the time just zipped by. It was really interesting! I also thought of you because I'm just feeling uncertain about whether or not to even try for a 10k run in April...You're my nearest running expert, and I was wondering what you thought. And number 3: I'm halfway through BBC Pride and Prejudice as I type this!!! Oh that arrogant Mr. Darcy!

from sunpowered :

Oh, sweet sister. :-) You will have very little idea how much your words helped. I will try to tell you, but you'll just have to trust my bright, smiling face on this side of the internet ether. You are such a fantastic person. I will do the ideas you thought of. And think of you fondly. You really did help. You really do help. :0)

from teranika :

:-( :-(. Have some CHEESE! :-) :-) (and thanks for your note before. It helped.)

from teranika :

Thanks for the encouragement! Needed especially after getting slightly discouraging input from elsewhere. I started keeping a training log - which will hopefully help keep me enthused. I will post the bread recipe shortly - it is so simple!

from teranika :

I hope that things work for the best. Everyone's a little screwed up - and everyone needs a little love and understanding. It's tough to start a new relationship around Christmastime. I hope that you can stay positive!

from teranika :

Oh dear! I hope that you are feeling better very very VERY soon! Have a happy Christmas, holiday - I'm thinking of you and feeling glad that we met electronically this year! hug from teranika.

from sunpowered :

Siiigggghhhh! Thank you very much, you sweet wowza Woman you. Thank you for giving me some much-needed nurturing! @->- Much beauty and light to you. :-)

from sunpowered :

Hooray for you and your very first zero dollar Christmas! I hope you pull it off, as each person helps inspire other people to jump in too. I am really excited about spending that day laughing with my family (who are actually really funny people), drinking hot cocoa, eating pumpkin pie, looking at all the ornaments on the tree, listening to Christmas music. THAT'S what Christmas is to me, and my sister is totally on board for it too! I haven't talked with my brother yet, but I know he's game as well. In my family, it's just my mom that's holding out. Maybe this'll be her last Christmas to do so. I do hope you have a lot of fun that day, sipping eggnog or cocoa, and talking talking talking in the kitchen, and laughing with these people who'll always be there for you, just 'cause. :-) Have a lovely weekend! -Melissa

from teranika :

don't panic! you didn't screw up, you acted on a physical impulse. Everyone does this from time to time and it is perfectly okay, especially if you remain positive. (and it was good...;-0)

from sunpowered :

Vicarious GRINS and GIGGLES! Wheeeeeeee!

from teranika :

woo hoo! fingers crossed and thumbs pressed. Don't worry about work - this feeling happens so rarely you should just enjoy it!!!!!

from sunpowered :

Ohhhhhhhhh, ho ho ho ho ho hohhhhhhhhh..... Woman!!!! I am so happy for you!!!

from culotte :

Heh he he. Well done, my evil seductress. I think his name should be Mr. Big.

from metonym :

jealous

from metonym :

I think the top sounds fabulous.

from teranika :

I'm glad that you've got a good face staring back at you. My father's chubby cheeks (as did all cheeks in his family) got larger and larger - surpassing chipmunk - as he got older. And he had this huge space between his two front teeth. there's no space betweeen mine - but I swear I saw it in that picture! Oh lord help me I'm going to look like a walrus.

from sunpowered :

Oh, gosh. I have been there. I have had my own "Scientist", who brought out deep feelings of silent embarassment in me that I had to come to terms with. He was sweet, to a fault, but lacked the very dignity you mentioned. Actually, I had never realized THAT was the word I had scrambled for each time that nagging sense of discomfort and disatisfaction boiled up. It took a Christmas Day visit at my parents' home for me to see that I was staying with this gent out of ... dare I even write it... pity. Oh, I had ten good reasons to keep seeing him, but looking back now, I can see it for what it was: I was afraid of breaking his heart. A dangerous lifelong trend, I'm afraid. Me and my big, stupid, empathic, bleeding heart! Brrraaaackk! >:-E As usual I wrote a novella to simply say: "Please don't do anything you feel even the slightest bit creepy about!!! The longer you wait, the ICKIER IT GETS!!! <:-/

from sunpowered :

Well, I am so glad to have stumbled upon your diary. How I did so, I can't recall anymore. But I love to read it. Something about your phrasing, or verbiage, or... that je ne sais quoi... reminds me to hold myself, and my doings, in higher regard. And now, all my Sistas up North too! Big, fat love! -Melissa

from teranika :

yowza - your entry reminded me of yesterday - when I look at a picture of myself in a newsletter - and saw my father's face - MY FATHER'S FACE - staring back at me! It just reminds you that there are some things in your life that are just programmed to be there!

from sunpowered :

How serendipitous that you think so. Often YOUR diary has reminded me to back up from something I call "audience-ing" and open my heart. It's funny that you have helped in the very way you wish to be. I guess life has a way of doing that. As for parkas, I have such a romanticized view of your gorgeous city, lights twinkling and glittering in the cold, clear winter night air. I also imagine everyone there as brilliant, well-educated, impeccably-dressed, and polite. But you're my only point of reference, which may explain my staunchly-held, never-to-be-shaken, bias. ;-) Unabashed adoration from your biggest fan in Texas, -Melissa

from culotte :

for the love of god...what is your real email address? This leaving notes thing is just not enough. We need to Bond via email. Mine is my first name @mycompanyname.com The Gentry de Paris part is all one word.

from sunpowered :

A million thanks for telling me about your experience. You really helped. Thank you. So very much. :-)

from sunpowered :

I guess one really ought to have SEEN the Serenity NOW! episode before one goes rampantly a-quotin'. ;-) I don't know, seems the decent thing to do! I don't care for Seinfeld, but I do love me a big ol' helping of frazzled and psychotic GEORGE KOSTANZA!

from culotte :

Y'know what? After Bernard, I'm totally suspicious of men who either rush toward comittment or are super affectionate really early. While it's a dream come true, I think it also might be the sign of a sociopath/predator in action. I hope this isn't the case for you. But ye have been warned.

from sunpowered :

Oh, I just read tonight's entry - oh gosh, your writing takes me away... sigh! :-)

from sunpowered :

Really? I want so desperately to hear how easy it is, how quick, and that it is painless. So, please do write back and tell me that you didn't even need pain pills afterwards! Even if you must cross your fingers to write it! <:-. I am so afraid of "the pain"... Thank you a hundred times for writing to say it's easy. I really truly am terrified of the procedure. Lots of bad dental experiences in the past. Thank you again. I so very much owe you one. Lots of love to you, -Melissa

from sunpowered :

Thank you, Sista. You have a fabulous week. Much good juju! :0)

from teranika :

sounds like you need to find a romantic cynic. They are tough to come by, but are gems when you finally find them...And truthfully, men who fall in three dates are not so bad if it is mutual...sigh, if only that ever happened..

from sunpowered :

Vielen Dank! :-)

from culotte :

Come visit me for xmas. You'll have to work at the boutique (part time), but at least you won't be alone. And I make a mean Christmas Lasagne.

from culotte :

I took a sewing class in 8th grade. The embroidery is self taught. It's really nothing difficult, actually. You just have to be meticulous, which comes easy to anal-perfectionist me.

from culotte :

F�licitations on your financial windfall. People who say money can't buy you happiness obviously have ever been shopping.

from sunpowered :

Thank you. I'm tickled I was of accidental help. Coincidentally, there are times when your diary inspires me to get my proverbial shit straight. :0) Have a great night.

from clarimonde :

huh, is there a way that I could send the letter to you now? it seems a waste for it to sit in my 'sent' box. (this is 't' by the way - just signed in from my alter ego, and I'm too lazy to sign out and in again...) --- oh, and no trouble about the docs. we'll figure something out. thanks for thinking of me!

from teranika :

Thanks! I was wondering if you got the note that I sent you a while ago? It turned into a long letter and I emailed it to you..

from sunpowered :

You + diary = clever hilarious fun good reading. *-[] I guess that's as close to a flower in a flower pot as I can get. Meh! Much good juju from Texas. -Melissa

from culotte :

ohmygod you are all tiny and birdlike! Yet you run like a chetah or greyhound or some other animal that runs a lot. A horse! And one of my sarcastic relgious friends said to me the other "why bother to pray when you can just worry?" It sort of hit home for me.

from sunpowered :

OH WHAT FUN! As soon as I return from the Coast, I am going to FIND A BOOK AND DO THIS! Eeeeee! I can't wait!!! I'm so glad you mentioned this delightful little idea! Giddy giddy me!

from sunpowered :

What's this book-tracking thing? Is it derived from 'Serendipity' where John Cusack's character spends years checking every cover of 'Love in the Time of Cholera' for a starcrossed love's name and number?

from culotte :

You're not too old to do some crazy grad school thang. a) the older you are, the more together you are, ergo the easier school is. b) it's also easier to find a higher paying job to pay off the loan when you're already in your 30s. And I wish you were in Paris so we could hang out after work. I have nothing to do either.

from sunpowered :

You know, it somehow gives me a boost, some energy to be more excellent to know that you're out there doing that too. Thanks, Sista. I hope you're having a lovely evening. It must be so cold there tonight! Much love, -Melissa

from sunpowered :

I love your diary. I love love love love love LOVE lurve liebe amor your wonderful diary. Have a good night, -Melissa

from sunpowered :

How lovely! I'm glad you have something so beautiful to look at. Thank you for letting me know you liked the candle story and yesterday's as well. That's really very nice of you. I hope your Sunday is everything you want. :-) :-]

from culotte :

Stability is my N� 1 life goal. Louis Vuitton luggage is N�2. But stability is infinately more satifying. Well, not infinately more. But it is something to strive for.

from metonym :

Good non-fiction books: we wish to inform you we will be killed tomorrow with our families by philip gourevich is about Rwanda and kind of about the nature of evil; a much shorter inquiry into the nature of evil is The Adversary by E. Carrere about a guy who murdered his family. Landscape and Memory by S. Schama is one of the most enjoyable books I have read, kind of about the way that nature or landscape is created, endowed with meaning. Pity the Nation is a long but excellent book about the civil war in Lebanon. Scheherazade Goes West or The Forgotten Queens of Islam or Dreams of Trespass are good books by Fatima Mernissi, the Moroccan feminist, and pretty easy and fast to read. I hope one of these sounds interesting!

from metonym :

what kind of book? Long, short, old, newish, happy, sad, fiction, non? I'm always dying to recommend books to people if I have some idea what they're looking for.

from sunpowered :

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, or that your current neutrality is in any way a harmful thing. I suspect you're not crazy, or prickly, or off-kilter. In fact, quite the opposite. You strike me as doing exactly the right thing for what you need right now. Yep. That's it. You know what you're doing. There's a great reason. Time will prove this passing stage of aloofness right. You'll see. :-) Why stoop below your ideals for some flash-in-the-pan guy, when you could be available (emotionally, mentally) for a F A B U L O U S man who takes your breath away? I for one applaud you for not settling. Brava, Sister, Work yo mojo! Good night. :0)

from metonym :

that's not an entry about nothing. it's really exciting - you like where you are! you like your work! This thing you spent months stressing about is not as bad as you feared! That's great!

from teranika :

Thanks for trying to think of his name. Our landlady just told us that there is a wonderful clinic down the street that makes newcomers a priority. So it is possible that we will be able to get in there. Still, having other references is always a good thing!!

from teranika :

Ah yes, I had a high school history professor who said one day: "Most of you are over-achievers who have this deep-seated fear that someday, somehow, someONE will discover that you've been faking it all these years, and that you are actually an idiot." It was one of those moments when the clouds in heaven opened up and the angels sang in a major chord as sunlight came beaming through my thick skull! I've tried never to forget this sentiment...especially when I have a REALLY dumb question to ask...

from teranika :

Since you caught on to the Lorrie thing already....;-).... I always think that "You're too good for me" is an excuse that masks another reason for not liking someone. Perhaps: "you seem like you would not appreciate the devilish side of my personality" or "you are just too boring." Another thing: my closest colleague in Van. simply CANNOT talk on the phone. He cringes everytime a phone rings. In fact, to get his phone # I had to sneak it off the phone when he wasn't looking. But he is the funniest, cleverest, most intelligent dude over email. Strange. Maybe it's because he thinks the world voice is too sexy?? doubt it...

from sunpowered :

Eek, I just had to comment on uncomfortable lover names - I was once out of my mind for this guy and wanted him MADLY, then came to find out his name is the name of my NEPHEW. I knew then and there I would never ever ever EVER be able to have sex with this man for the sheer repulsion of crying out my nephew's name. Blechhhh! Oh, creepiness!

from culotte :

Oh God! Now I'm sorry for your creepy landlord! My landlord wants to sleep with me too (calls late at night), pressures me into champagne lunches where I get drunk as a numbing measure and then he tries the "arm stroking maneouver." Worse yet, he's the only obese man in France. And I **do** have a strong and intimidating boyfriend. You have my sympathies.

from sunpowered :

1. You are brilliant! I love it! 2. You are hilarious! I love that too! 3. You are so brilliant and hilarious! ~ Your diary is an honest blast to read. I wish you strength and decisiveness in your dealings with the uninvited amorous invasion. Oh, the wonderful world of learning to identify and protect our boundaries. Argh! Ain't life grand! I feel for you! I'm sure all the gals reading you do too. :-D Follow your heart, Sista!! :-D

from culotte :

God I'm sorry about your friend. But I'm comforted by the fact you have nice friends around you. And shoes are the perfect splurge because you wear them frequently, not just once in a while.

from teranika :

I know how it feels to have death suddenly so close to you. It stirs and changes you a little, and makes little crises seem even smaller. Good luck keeping your chin up. It's cliche, but the only thing you can do is try.

from metonym :

I sympathize all to well on the convincing issue - that was my situation back when I actually got into relationships. With the stupid little abortive encounters I've had since, not so much.

from teranika :

I just watched Room With a View on Saturday - it's one of the films that I can watch over and over again, and where the film equals or even does better than the book for me! I suffer from too much Beethoven, I fear...

from teranika :

Wow, thanks for your note! But don't be too fooled. I stewed on it for hours - how could you not? (Incidentally, one of the lashers was an emeritus economist...). I really hope that your gums are healing nicely...

from culotte :

Bon courage for your "extraction." And enjoy the post-surgery Darvon.

from teranika :

dear enfin, poor you. first of all, good luck with the wisdom teeth. I hope that you have someone around today and tomorrow in case you need some TLC. As for computer guy...I have gone through something similar - you know it's not good for you, but you can't really stop your heart from hurting over it. But it does pass. If I were there I'd buy you grapes and cheese and a glass of wine.

from metonym :

All thoughts I have had, and which I also label bitter. Oh well. Can't have perfect thoughts all the time. By street fashion, do you mean the Sartorialist &/or Facehunter? Those are the two I follow - I love the Sartorialist.

from teranika :

Time for another book from me - first of all, bravo with the history prof. I really hope that this works out for you. We just went out and bought a bed today - and we will buy our landlord's car in a week or so. So, apart from feeling rather poor, the problems are getting solved with $$...

from teranika :

No trouble - I've also thought that much of the architecture is uninspired, although I am growing to appreciate a little bit more now that I am here. We've also encountered the rednecks right in downtown Yaletown - warning us to look out for the Hondurans. And another warning us to look out for the Chinese (the latter is moving, not surprisingly, to Alberta..). If you lived out near U&C then you were probably in the Kits area - which seems like it used to be very genuine and has gone upscale-yoga. Our area does seem the most fun - everytime we have traveled out there we feel a little bit more alive. (Just wish there were more bookstores!).

from teranika :

I thought of you today when a friend sent me a slate.com article about the job market in economics. The point was that the first job out of Ph.D. gates essentially determines the rest of your career, and your chance of getting a GOOD job out of the gates is strictly determined by the academic market. So the success or failure of economists in academia depends almost entirely on the market for jobs when you finish your Ph.D. It was rather interesting.

from teranika :

I have always loved thunderstorms, too. They are dramatic and relieving.

from teranika :

You might really love the cookbooks of Mark Bittman, specifically, How to Cook Everything and The Best Recipes in the World. I love to cook, but I hate it when cooking takes time and super precious ingredients..

from teranika :

Thanks. Ah yes, Elizabeth Bennett - my hero, too! What also comes to mind is the proper old lady from 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' who, while sitting next to her at dinner, asks Fi if she is married. Fi says 'no,' and so the woman asks, 'oh, are you a lesbian then?' Fi is completely shocked, and then the proper old lady says, 'I suppose I could say something boring like, oh dear dear, haven't found the right chap yet? but I figure asking if you're a lesbian is much more interesting.' I wish I met old women like that at weddings. Hope the event goes well - I haven't had time to read a diary in days so I've probably missed the description....

from teranika :

Ooooo, you described my world at weddings from 1990-2006. But ultimately I threw caution to the wind and went to most weddings as the single woman. Sometimes it was amazingly fun; sometimes it was disaster. It frequently invoked LOTS of questions about my personal life (a phenomenon I've never understood: why is it that weddings give people the right to be rude and intrusive?). It is true that if these are close friends, they want to see you and not your date, and you will have a great time even if you go it alone, especially if you know other people there. (although, I hesitate somewhat in saying that, because of the multitude of experiences where I've been the single woman used as a "filler" at a table full of lawyers or ex-college boyfriends ...shudder.)

from metonym :

There is a show like that in North America! It's "The Biggest Loser" and it's my favorite show on TV. Kind of. It's so inspiring that I cry regularly while watching it. It's a kind of Survivor-style reality TV show where a lot of people are in a house losing weight together & the last one there wins money...but the people all bond and everybody wins because they all lose weight & it's all about diet and exercise.

from metonym :

If you've discovered in the space of a year that you should *not* do something, then you've used your time productively. A year isn't all that long, and although one might wish to do something better or more positive, knowing yourself better should lead to better use of your own time...that's one thing I tell myself about law school. Maybe it's a bad idea; but I can leave after a year and it won't have been a waste of time. Ditto with art history; maybe it's not my thing, but I learned a lot over the past three years and I don't regret them.

from metonym :

Hmmm. I agree about photographs though I'd like to point out that the same is true of other artistic media. Painting and drawing and sculpture. Art from a given place and time will be much of a kind. I think we have really bizarre and messed up notions about originality and what it is and when it's special...maybe you've been looking at a lot of bad photos, or maybe you improved your taste, but also, maybe, you have picked up a philsophy that denies you the pleasure of many photographs. Which would be unfortunate. The goal really should be to increase your enjoyment. I think.

from metonym :

Man, I spent 3 months in Australia about...what? ...7 years ago? And I still say "no worries" all the time - it's the greatest phrase. The nicest thing about it though is that I don't think that it's recognizably Australian unless the person you're talking to has some substantial knowledge of Australia/Australians - I mean, it's not like you're telling somebody to put a shrimp on the barbie or extolling the virtues of mateship...

from metonym :

You're dead on about museums. They de-contextualize objects so that they can re-contextualize them in their new setting, which is the museum. Even museums that purport to give you some sort of cultural background; chronological shows, or natural history museums - they are predicated on their ability to create their own narrative, which means reducing background noise and focusing your attention where they want it. You should look up the essay "resonance and wonder" by stephen greenblatt; it's one of my favorite essays of all time and it's about the way that objects/art affect people. It touches on what you've said but it's also really beautiful and moving.

from metonym :

Because blonde at this point just means artificial-ness. That's why blondes have such a reputation...because 99% of all blondes are fake blondes and they are chasing and creating the blonde mystique. Like red hair, really - you're making a statement instead of an aesthetic.

from culotte :

Running 10-15 miles! That's unfathomable to me! Unless you take 3 days to do it. And break it into 35 foot segments that you sort of jog-walk. What an incredible accomplishment.

from teranika :

I'm with ya on the reduced-fat cheese. BLECH!

from teranika :

I have to preface this comment with the caveat that I do not know SQUAT about the Canadian health care system, or the reforms about which you wrote. That being said, here is perhaps a different perspective: I grew up in a country with horrible (non-existent) health care, and I have lived in two countries with socialized medicine. Without question I prefer socialized medicine (!), but I appreciate that it comes with a cost. This is apparent in the German system where the health care system was no longer financially sustainable by the time I left the country. I think that letting patients see the costs incurred for their visits is not necessarily a bad thing. I've lived with the US system as a poor student where we both see and PAY the costs incurred.. Alternatively, in Germany, doctor visits are used for everything - every little chest cold or pimple - and at great expense to the entire system. I do think that the system becomes abused because the costs are entirely hidden (in a similar way that SUVs run rampant across the US because the oil subsidies are completely hidden in our taxes through government spending on military and oil industry subsidies). My experience in Germany suggested that nearly every citizen had no concept of the costs of health care. Being aware of the costs is different from taking away the benefit. (That being said, I would bet that Canada, like Germany and perhaps any other country, could save a BUNDLE with a few administrative reforms that would make this transparent accounting unnessary...) Anyway, my uninformed two cents.

from metonym :

IMHO, the only real strike against Canada is the cold.

from teranika :

I certainly would not say that I am a better woman than you! We are all different, with different sensitivities and expertise. I hear you about that ceiling. My Ph.D.-granting institution finally got ONE woman out of 50 faculty in 1995. They are still at, yes, a miraculous ONE. If I gauged my success by what that institute told me about myself, I'd have failed long ago. The reason I am able to ignore them is because I happened upon an anomaly in academia for my postdoc - an institute full of powerful science women. Unfortunately my postdoc institute no longer exists.. but while I was there, I experienced what it felt like to have a "critical mass" of women. I gained a sense of power and confidence that has never left me; I learned what I need to stay sane, and for me it is other female colleagues, and male colleagues who make me comfortable. I just wish that all women could have that experience before they decide whether to stay or leave academia. Incidentally, my partner is also struggling with a Ph.D. in economics - at the same stage as you, it sounds. I wouldn't wish the academic life of an economist on anyone, male or female.

from teranika :

One of my dearest friends (a recipient of a prestigious, EU young investigator award) and I were just discussing the fact that we are beginning to see a difference in the sciences. Maybe this is just a hope - but we both see a cohort of women at our age and our level who are remaining and climbing the ranks in the sciences. We both organize symposia, and we increasingly see that more than 30% of the speakers are women. Different even from 5-8 years ago. I try not to think to hard about feminism - but I do act on it, and I am thrilled that I can choose to work with brilliant, female colleagues, and select to work with talented, female students. There's a long way to go (evident from recent comments of the president of a major US university). But taken as a whole I feel comfort that I am not a groundbreaker but a member of a pack of powerful women who continue their way upwards.

from metonym :

I have some Stilton with cranberries that I like to eat on English muffins for breakfast. It's a perfect sweet/sour blend.

from teranika :

I dream about my dad frequently, too, which is odd because he wasn't a part of my life at all in his last years. I wonder if dreaming about people who are gone mirrors our sensation that there is a time in our lives that is also gone, one that we'll never have again.

from teranika :

Believe me, I empathize with Canadian election blues. Keep in mind that the new PM still represents a minority gov't - (wait until the next election to feel truly depressed - or not). I also empathize with your feeling a little bit too competent for the people around you, and so I speak from experience when I say that it is likely that you'll have an existence proof of intelligent, warm wit in a partner someday. My last sense, however, is that perhaps black-and-white judgments about infidelity require being in another person's shoes. Some behaviors hurt you beyond the possibility of forgiveness, but none of us are infallible. I like to think that other people love me for my faults, too. (oops, I hate being preachy..sorry 'bout that...) Good luck with getting a brighter day!!

from elgan :

Thank you for adding me to your favourites. I hope you have a happy holiday season.

from metonym :

OK, I respect your opinion but two comments. (1) Reading a Harry Potter book (esp the early ones) takes about as much time as going to a movie. If you're willing to go to a movie just because, picking up the book is the same thing. There's really not much time commitment. Reading the Magic Mountain, which I hated and took me four months, or this crappy book that I'm reading now and which is taking months, is a different matter. (2) I don't recommend reading Harry Potter for the first time in another language. The best thing (almost) about them is the way that they're written - Rowling has a real knack for joyful, fun language. I've read some of the French translation and some of the Arabic and neither measure up.

from metonym :

I hear you on the sweet people who drive you crazy. To a T.

from sea-change- :

In a lot of areas black suits are very gauche (business and law, from what I understand)...I am still trying to figure out if there are other areas where black suits are gauche. It's worth looking into. (I think the theory is that only the really high ups have the right to black suits or something?)

from sea-change- :

Lucian Freud is one of my most hated artists of all time. I can't stand him for exactly the fuck-you attitude of his work; I think it reeks of an overall contempt for humanity that I would quite happily wipe from the earth. So I guess it's good that nobody's letting me do that.

from sea-change- :

Dude, go for it.

from sea-change- :

I don't know about you, but I always get this strange feeling of horror and revulsion right before I'm about to become physically involved with a guy...it's gotten to the point where I realize that I have to think about how I think about a person before the revulsion hits me, and then think about how I think about the person after we've had sex...but the in between period, it's not rational or helpful at all.

from sea-change- :

holy shit. I can't even imagine. Just reading about it makes me feel angry and betrayed. I'm so sorry.

from sea-change- :

No, I think that your criticism of Hotel Rwanda is fair. I think that the when it comes to wanting to get apathetic people to care, or whether it's worth it to try at all, there's no real right answer - just because you know that nobody's going to stand up and do anything doesn't mean you should stop trying to get them to. And media, mass media, can be really productive even if it's just mercenary or pandering. Think about the tsunami. Nobody really cares, but they give money. As for the fact that there is something inherently, I think *prurient* about making films about genocide - yeah, that's a given I think. I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I'm still glad when people make movies that at least try to shoulder some sort of social responsibility. But all of your points are true.

from odalisk :

I saw that! I bought the postcard! It's in my room right now!

from odalisk :

that was a good quote to choose. And I think we have the same initials. And I plan on moving to Australia instead of New Zealand. It's all about the other hemisphere, baby.

from odalisk :

I've never read the desiderata before, but I looked it up and it's wonderful. I don't think it's trite at all; it's sincere and pretty accurate. But, now that I have the idea, I think I might put the Pont Mirabeau on my bathroom door. I like to have that posted in my house, and it's a good place. (incidentally, I often read the Pont Mirabeau to get the same sort of peace with myself that the desiderata seems to suggest; but, maybe, a more melancholy one).

from odalisk :

hey. meant to leave this note a week or two ago when you changed your description of me, but I've been lagging in all things involving communicating...thanks a lot, it gave me warm fuzzies. I hope...I dunno, that my thoughts continue being useful to you? Yours have been useful to me, so...anyway, thanks again.

from minderella :

thank you for the message.. i think you're right. odalisk and i are going to california next week, and i think that will provide the break i really need. i'm someone who adores travel and it's been too long since i've done any. as for today, i'm going to try to follow your advice today as well. we're supposed to get a heavy snow this afternoon and i'm going to go out and walk around in it. :) wait, that's not spontaneous if i'm planning on it already... oh well. :)

from odalisk :

excellent entry. Really resonated with me for a hundred different reasons; made me feel hopeful for the future. It's nice, sometimes, to read the diaries of people who are a bit older and further advanced in life.

from odalisk :

You know, sometimes mothers *do* have the pithyest advice. Not every day, but sometimes. My mother once told me that she'd always wished she had bigger breasts, but that she felt a lot better about the whole situation as a fifty year old because her breasts were still perky. I guess that when you've inherited somebody else's body, they've spent a lifetime figuring out how to deal with it...and probably come to some helpful conclusions.

from odalisk :

Thanks for the message! It came at a good moment - I used to do stairmaster 3 times a week, but today I decided to start running and the treadmills were full but I went on the elliptical for 30 minutes, ran 3 miles, and felt *so great* afterwards. It was an awesome feeling, and I think I'm going to keep it up. Getting your message cements the motivation; so many people find running so satisfying, and I think it's time that I discover the joy. As for the diet...well, I'm going to keep it up for a while longer. I had developed a lot of bad habits which this diet is helping me to purge (my addiction to half-and-half laden coffee twice a day prime among them). But I do know, from the periods in my life when I've been most in shape, that eating guiltlessly is a big perk. Still - all the advice you care to offer will be *much* appreciated and setting a goal of 4 one-hour stints is a good benchmark to look out for.

back to enfinblue's profile
recommend this diary to a pal?

Other diaries starting with the letter:
a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

Back to Diaryland