DiaryLand members area

Your writing is SO good! Insightful. Fascinating to me the call center, about the pressure to perform and how yes- data analytics are everthing now in respect to measure of performance. It is good the supervisors are paying attention and value you and are not only looking at metrics/data but also customer input. It makes me realize it has been worth it every time I say YES to take the extra minutes to complete a customer survey. I want everyone to read your perspective and come to greater understanding of the atrocity of this current situation. Yes it is lucky you have your job and healthcare; and no you should not feel badly that you have to care for self and your family first. Its certainly hard. I hope your current job allows for you to get the medical care you need to end your pain.

from browndamask :

“I don’t want revenge, I want reckoning.” Sarah, this is so well put. I know I’ve already told you this, but I truly appreciate everything you’ve posted here and on Insta. I find myself woefully uninformed on so many issues. This will no longer be one of them. Much love you to you. You are in my thoughts often these days.

from the-grey-one :

thank you for writing so genuinely. saying you hope no one needs to see their family and friends on the news was fucking devastating to read. so many broken hearts. there’s really no words for any of this, but thank you for continuing to share.

from browndamask :

How do you 'take' the cinnamon? You've been in my thoughts. Seem much busier since returning to Cairo. Hope you are well!

from browndamask :

“I feel like I'm collecting paintings in my head.” So good! Hope this new job is a good fit for you (for however long you decide to stay there).

from ernst :

Oh wow, the Squid Game visual landed. Eyeball yer fellow recruits then, and try to befriend the old guy -xo

from papotheclown :

Ginger does help a lot. My go-to has been lemon and ginger tea with honey. But I might try it with cinnamon on your recommendation. Good luck with the new gig and the salt and pepper haired cute frenchie.

from browndamask :

Oh, and best of luck with the new gig.

from browndamask :

Emails & letters are my preferred mode of communication, and she'll be getting one or the other eventually. Or not. Still debating if there is value in it.

from browndamask :

Gen Z in the states are also obsessed with the 90s. What goes around comes around - as a teen in the early 90s I was obsessed with the 70s 🤷🏻‍♀️

from browndamask :

I like that fourth way for you. Me, I'm deep in my bunker phase.

from browndamask :

Catching up on here. Thanks for assuring me I’m not broken. Grief is weird. Autism makes it weirder. And I’ll say it again - you have a lovely voice.

from ernst :

Play guitar in the bathroom please. And share.

from browndamask :

Boschian trips to hell" - ooof, sorry your body is putting you through this, but I love the way you phrased it. Must say I'm terribly interested in these floating, tiger-stripe-adorned, white babies hanging out in the clouds with roses.

from browndamask :

re: 9/23/23 - I'm so sorry. Sending comforting vibes your way.

from browndamask :

It’s incredible, really, how much I relate to your entries. (How much I relate to you?) There are so many lines in this particular entry: “I wish I didn’t have to be so loud about it”, “And while I can’t fix it, I can be nice”, “It’s a part of who I am, and I really like who I am”. The greiving process with the chronic pain and disability is something that has been on my mind lately. I wish it was easier, linear. But it’s a knotted up mess that I’ve stopped trying to untangle. I can only take it one day at a time and go easy on myself.

from browndamask :

Yes! I love her use of color. I have a print of hers hanging by my front door and my mother always complains about how creepy it is. My trip was good, but I am happy to be home. Love hearing about the sewing. Glad you are getting settled in.

from ernst :

I often wonder about the origin of that name en-route; thoughts that evoke both the idea of the original Hejira, and the title of Alaa Alghamdi's novel. (The latter of which I should probably read, seeing as give it a nod in the title of a sculpture I'm working on now, “The (other) Road to Medina”...)

from browndamask :

So very curious about the christian content. Glad your trip went well & hopefully you’re getting settled in within getting too overwhelmed. Regarding my art stuff: Yes, looking to do online courses to brush up on my Adobe skills, etc. I take some short online classes for fun on occasion. Just found out one of my favorite artists (Betsy Walton) has a class on symbolic portraits that I really want to take.

from papotheclown :

Your note was rather beautifully said. I too struggle with that balance.

from ernst :

It's clear that my writing failed to convey my point; a universal revelation triggered by a contemporary article, which had nothing to do with generational “blame”. I apologize on that account. I'll definitely reread and see where any nuance may have been too-nuanced or audience assumptions were taken for granted. Thanks for the input.

from ernst :

I didn't find Swanson's article sensationalist, I thought he approached his subjects from a teacher's perspective. And as far as "sensationalizing" Li'll Tay, is that even possible? Of course I realize the platform is manifold and doubtless full of worthy creatives, I was just speaking to this specific brand of "influencer", and how they epitomize a deeper cultural concern.

from ernst :

Jesus Sarah, your family life puts "getting hit w/a wrench" in flattering perspective...many thoughts, none you haven't already had I'm sure.

from browndamask :

Thank you, as always, for your kind words. Why is ‘ah yis, small brain’ infuriating and hysterical at the same time? So backwards. Have you ever heard of ‘Intense World Theory’? I’m not sure I buy into it, but it basically posits the opposite.

from ernst :

Shiny joyful loved person armor is pretty rad, and though it seems incongruous costume for me, the hands-down black sheep of my family, they keep it polished regardless. I try never to take that for granted. You'll find a family that'll fit you out for a suit, I've no doubt.

from browndamask :

Unfortunately the chaos body is still in full revolt mode. Drawing is going well. Sorry, seems neither Ernst nor I are witches, but I will continue to enjoy being called a psychic creep. Yay for the haircut. Too much hair = sensory hell. And yes, spoil your heart. Take the good where you can get it, and make good for yourself.

from ernst :

This Texan isn't an "official" witch or anything...but I do look great in the hat. https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0085808/mediaviewer/rm2379943680/?ref_=nm_ov_ph

from browndamask :

Ah, the productivity born of procrastination. Hoping everything comes together and travel isn't too disruptive for you.

from ernst :

As a designer, I've learned how to navigate the whole “what the client thinks they want” vs. “what's rad and I totally want to build, and why don't these rich fuckers just trust me it's my job?” thing...this typically involves three proposals, two of them boring and expensive, and a brilliant drawing I just happened to do of the other.

from papotheclown :

I know that Auden poem! Thank you for reminding me of it. And your last post (re: autism) was deeply relatable

from browndamask :

Ableism at its finest. So sorry.

from browndamask :

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it on here, but I used to sew for a living (designed and sold handbags). I got sooo burned out, have barely sewn since. I really should pick it back up, make something nice to wear. I bet you’d pick it up fairly quickly. Also, buy all the lovely dresses. Or maybe don’t listen to me, because I’ve got a bit of a problem. But I live in dresses - sundresses, everywhere, as long as the weather will allow, and at home always, all year long. Sensory bliss, plus I get to look cute.

from papotheclown :

It is indeed like interdimensional travel.

from skatingparty :

Trying to get those diaphanous parallel possibilities to solidly into something tangible. Yes, that means putting myself out there. Scary indeed. And ugh, you don't know how accurate that cuckqueen comment is.

from ernst :

Any excuse to add Tomorrow Never Knows to a playlist is always welcomed! (Blackbird is already cued up btw...because the image of a bird singing in the dead of night struck me as a complimentary contrast to the noonday silence of an eclipse.)

from ernst :

Deee-an dreams, Dean Dean Dean Deee-an dreams, Whenever you want Dean, all you have to do is dree-am...

from browndamask :

You must remember I’ve heard you sing and play. Definitely not just “campfire chords at best”. I loved the one song you posted. Happy stimming? Sad stimming? Pain stimming? I vocal stim when my pain is high - usually just singing. And, unlike you, I don’t have a good singing voice. I am, however, a very *creative* lyricist. (ha!)

from jimbostaxi :

Yes, I want to say that first because you are correct. That feeling of loving someone deeply and being loved is a wonderful thing. I hope to feel that again one day instead of being,,, a miserable old bastard. Thank you for the note :)

from browndamask :

A whirlwind of emotion! :) I’m not even sure what I meant it to mean. It was a very first thought sort of thing. Anyhow, I’m glad my tiny capsized skater spoke to you. Little sketches seem to be the only thing my brain is up for right now.

from skatingparty :

Always had a habit of burrowing under my skin and into my thoughts. These stupid note typos will be the death of me. I should get better about proofreading before I hit ‘done’.

from skatingparty :

Burgess as in The Burgess Bird Book for Children, a gift from my godmother. Very treasured volume when I was a child, along with The Animal Book for Children. Gorgeous illustrations. And he knew what he was doing when he grabbed that particular book. Always of burrowing under my skin and into my thoughts.

from browndamask :

hooray for your moussaka turning out + cookie moons and the beautiful sea. in regards to protecting your energy, i consider that lesson one of the few upsides of chronic illness. i’m so much more selective with what i spend my energy on.

from ernst :

Gah, Moussaka! I've got food envy. In the 'states almost every diner on the eastern seaboard north of like, Maryland, is Greek-owned. Not sure why their culinary exodus stopped/settled there, but I wish it had expanded. Because in addition to the American menus, there are always Greek offerings, usually including a weekly moussaka special. Absolute appointment eating. Poor Baba left to soon!

from ernst :

Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em? (Or go ahead and hurt 'em...dealer's choice.) Sahel to yourself sounds fab.

from browndamask :

Re: Glorious Potato - Neurodivergent Recharge!

from browndamask :

Absolutely. Electric boundaries. And as long as he is willing to continue working on himself, we will exercise patience. But being patient does not mean being a doormat, and it still has limits.

from browndamask :

"Trauma makes you a time traveler" - beautiful, sad, and incredibly well put. Re: your comment on the mixing personal and creative relationships - I think it's hard, with a band, to separate the two. There is a level of personal intimacy there that is hard to avoid, especially if you've toured together. M is a literal narcissist and hard to work with. We both love him like a sibling - hell, I've known him since I was 18 - but boundaries have to stay firmly intact if my husband continues to work with him going forward.

from ernst :

"I stopped crying but only because I was confused" is a deceptively powerful/poignant observation.

from browndamask :

The first season of the TV show Russian Doll mentions the Emily books a handful of times: "Everybody loves Anne, but I like Emily. She’s dark." Maybe that's why I always preferred them to the Anne series.

from ernst :

I do my best live like an aloof bear btw (and sleepover guests have literally described my place as “the cave”) but yeah..I still twist-off like a rabid raccoon on occasion. We're so tragically, beautifully, frustratingly complicated, the lot of us.

from browndamask :

Sooo… my favorite books as a young girl were the Emily of New Moon books by L.M. Montgomery. Emily describes an experience called ‘the flash’ which fully sounds like the concept of ‘glimmer’. I also fully stand behind the fact that I think Emily was neurodivergent. Maybe that’s why I related to her so much, plus she resonated with my sad little melancholy baby brain. :)

from ernst :

Ha! Good fun,and it's certainly not the place of someone w/a satellite map of Sahel open on his browser to judge anyone, creep-wise. (Wish I had more/better snaps up though...trying to figure out how and where to move my significantly groovier facebook photo archive to a place that hasn't devolved into such a fetid morass.)

from ernst :

Agreed w/the $$, plus that joint looked a little to “suburban” for my taste...but as it turns out there are several Egyptian joints in Houston? This one looks more promising (plus “Miss taxes” dances there, and it appears one of the cooks also DJs?), I'll report back from wherever I end up. Food adventures! https://www.facebook.com/dandanahcafeandgrill/

from ernst :

Well...what do you know. I'm travelling to Houston this month and searched “Egyptian restaurants” on a lark: https://www.alrawshemediterranean.com/menus So a tasty bowl of jute leaves just might be in my future.

from ernst :

So the internet informs me molokheya is made with jute? I only know this ingredient from packing twine and sacking cloth and the cheap ass Ikea carpeting we used to slam in houses we were flipping in Hollywood because it looked like berber, which was chic at the time (I'm sure everyone regretted it later). Not gonna find any around here, but it was described as a “bitter green”, which I tend to dig.

from browndamask :

The American healthcare system is frustrating. I am in a metro area with 7.5 million people, and I still have a hard time finding good doctors that my health insurance will actually cover. A couple of my specialists are great, but others have been awful. It's exhausting having to fight for adequate care and to be taken seriously.

from browndamask :

Don't leave, friend <3 Also the things about the seeds & flowers is beautiful.

from browndamask :

Also, yay for fun nights out and feeling like yourself!

from browndamask :

That description is very gracious :) For me it gives "wtf" or "dear lord, children!"

from browndamask :

I guess as long as I've got Socrates in my corner and a new dress I'm doing pretty alright.

from browndamask :

Thank you for your kind words. As for Conrad, he was a good guy in that instance, maybe not so much overall.

from ernst :

I don't think I would last too long in your Egypt. But neither would anyone who hit my girlfriend on the head with a wrench.

from ernst :

“Toughness” strikes me as a tricky metric. It's probably necessary in the tiny shark tank of commercial success where rapey/curly now swims, but as far as creative attributes go? I might favor something more nuanced; “disciplined vulnerability” or some such... Always appreciate yer multi-post days.

from browndamask :

You have my deepest sympathies, as empty as that may sound. I cannot imagine having to deal with that sort of constant awareness of the person who assaulted me. Also, update as much as you want! Be beautiful! Take up space!

from ernst :

I'm not a graffiti painter, but I do follow political street art, and suspect I'm familiar w/Curly's work. Dude had some chops, Banksy on the front lines kinda? As for why all men turn out to be predatory pigs? F*ck, I wish I knew, and have some regrets. All I can do is offer a heartfelt-but-worthless apology on our collective, mouth-breathing behalves. (And hell yeah go make some art, please!)

from browndamask :

Your piece sounds awesome, btw. I only did a couple of large scale installations, mostly because I was a poor undergrad and art supplies can get so expensive. The majority of my work was smaller, interactive pieces. I also loved anything process heavy - ceramics, screen printing, etc. There is something so soothing about the repetition in those mediums.

from browndamask :

‘Business or Communications majors’ - Exactly! To be fair, several of my BFA classmates have gone one to varying levels of success, including two who were in the Whitney Biennial, but they were both individuals who naturally knew how to market themselves. And my most talented classmate has is in public works because he hated ‘selling himself’. I have tried to write about this so many times, but my thoughts spiral out and get convoluted.

from browndamask :

1) “I wish I knew how to market myself” - I think about this so much. I went to a small state school, but one that had a truly excellent art program at the time. My most successful classmates weren’t necessarily the most talented ones, but the ones who knew how to market themselves. I really wish there was some kind of course on this included in all BFA programs. 2) What kind of installation work did you do? My official degree is a BFA in Experimental Studies, with a focus on sculpture and installation. I haven’t done either in years. I don’t regret my degree, but I do wish I had taken more design classes.

from the-grey-one :

ahh sarah. you came back and you brought so much fricken life into diaryland. i’m so grateful! thank you for sharing so much in such a wonderful effin way. i love that i get to read you alongside my morning coffee and just be like “what even, this chick is so cool”. keep it coming!

from ernst :

So no mint-choco? Nor a scoop of rosewater cream (drool), consumed with a splash of that fresh lemon juice they keep on the counter at Mashti Malone's? Gahh! Well...I'd like to think we can still be friends? (Get thee in the water, Pisces, and my love to the Sea-Grannies...)

from ernst :

It's a fraught task, and one this liberal athiest doesn't envy you kids: trying to carve a tolerant cultural identity out of an inviolably-patriarchal monolith. And a solid thumbs up re: mint chocolate-chip for the record...also, much my favorite chili-dogs were Lebanese, my favorite ice-cream joint ever is Iranian! https://mashtimalones.com/flavors/

from ernst :

Yes ma'am, you are correct...I was trying to open the bottle without waking the Genie, but meta-magic-mind rules were clearly violated and I'm probably f*cked now. (Also- we get migrating Curlews here too; along with Sandpipers and several species of Plover. Shorebirds are rad!)

from browndamask :

Empathy for the stupid endo pain. Same boat this weekend. Trying to sleep it off. Hoping you feel better soon!

from browndamask :

Thanks, and I know you understand the neurodivergent stuff. He’s not a bad guy, just a little too eager to nail down our communication differences. Occasionally needs to be reminded that I’m wired differently and that some things are ineffable.

from papotheclown :

I also think most people are decent and caring. It's good to remember that when things feel dark.

from ernst :

Ha! Flirtation retracted then, because yes...Diaryland can, in fact, become real. For better and/or worse (mostly for the better though, in my experience, which is weirdly extensive).

from browndamask :

Wouldn't* trust her. Dangerous typo there. That girl is scary.

from browndamask :

She's pretty fun in small doses, but by no means would I trust her further than I could throw her, and I definitely would trust her when she says she put out a campfire.

from ernst :

Love that tile-painting, Miss. Will totally put a word in for you w/that swarthy hunk of a pit-master when I'm there. And yeah - if Egyptian BBQ is anything like Lebanese chili-dogs https://ernst.diaryland.com/221109_88.html count me in! (I thought of Manoosh/Manoush the other day when you shared your Baba's jokes...)

from ernst :

Will ABSOLUTELY check this joint out on my next trip up and report back to you. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U42e0lLesms

from papotheclown :

I'm a total church history nerd and have had many daydreams about visiting the monasteries of your last entry. I also dream of the wifi cave and often hope to be a monk in my later years.

from browndamask :

I do love Trixie & Katya. Here's to hoping (praying) the pain doesn't get too bad. Endo sucks.

from browndamask :

By gum! And rationally I know I'm not an asshole (most days, at least) but it's hard to turn off my fawn response. When I do I feel bad about it.

from ernst :

Saved by the dream robot! The mind is wild sometimes. And I did have a realistic idea of the Sahel gleaned from your journal...but apparently the satellite view left dream-space for creative liberties to be taken. (Otherwise me and my date might have been jockeying w/determined seniors for a beach umbrella, or trapped in a contentious condo-owner's association meeting...) Nuweibaa looks stunning, and the whole Gulf of Aqaba is a revelation to me. Clear water and healthy coral, yeah man.

from browndamask :

Eh, still figuring it out. I second guess myself quite a bit. I've been working in the non-profit sector for almost 10 years and I'm at the point where I'm ready to do something related to my degree again. Figuring out what skills I need to brush up on, and whether I want to try again for my MFA or just take a few classes.

from browndamask :

You have a beautiful voice. And the sounds at the end 😂

from ernst :

Don't know that tune but it sounds lovely; fever timbre suits your voice, apparently.

from ernst :

Back in my Hawaiian teenager days, I was out surfing when I got tangled up w/a Man O' War ducking a wave, and his stinging tentacle got mashed into the wax on my board. I kept paddling out going oww,oww,oww, before I figured out the deal and caught one back in. I'd just been rubbing my whole chest all over the damn thing. And, unlike your foot or leg or arm, you can't piss on your own chest to mitigate the burn. (Well...it would be awkward anyway.)

from browndamask :

They are mostly great. Sometimes it’s a lot, honestly, speaking as someone who needs a lot of recharge time. The youngest is on the spectrum too. Whereas I filter compulsively (masking?) she filters nothing.

from ernst :

Yeah at my age I'd have to be a pretty specific “influencer”; shop tools, reading glasses, aspercreme... As for the mouser's tiktock, turns out she's part of generation Alpha? (just looked that up, so many questions as an “X-er”), and the camera does love her... Good luck wranglin' Biso today. Little boys can be wild and rude and destructive. Also yeah we don't change that much.

from ernst :

from browndamask :

“Happy New Hair” - that’s actually quite delightful. I always get a little sad/envious of words & phrases with no English equivalent. Also, the whole “what are their superpowers?” “love triangles” thing. So funny.

from angelspit609 :

i love your writing, thank you for continuing to be a cool place to lurk during a heatwave

from ernst :

“Excuse me Sir? Sorry to bother you...looks like we've got a few problems.” “Well that's never good.” “No Sir. Anyway it appears the Earth is on fire? Also, those animals you made in your image? Busying themselves w/war and genocide and economic disparity and causing the displacement and suffering of untold millions.” “We can't have that now, can we? Let's see what I can do...”, takes out Blackberry, taps about w/stylus, “Well hmm, as much as I'd love to jump right on this, it looks like Sarah went and opened her big disrespectful mouth again.” “She didn't...” “Oh yeah she did. So we gotta deal with that, and then it looks like I'm preparing a lava pit tomorrow morning? Can you just leave your notes with my assistant?”

from browndamask :

Pina Colada - I wish. I probably shouldn't drink at all anymore (inflammation) but when I do I have to be careful about sugar. Lately it's been limoncello sparkling water, vodka, and a splash of vanilla simple syrup.

from papotheclown :

I love all your entries, but especially that last entry.

from browndamask :

so incredibly sorry you've had to deal with that.

from ernst :

"So good with words Sarah, but God will punish you"; like you're not suffering already. (God's angry to-do list, in the mind of an embittered zealot, must be a mile long...)

from ernst :

"So good with words Sarah, but God will punish you"; like you're not suffering already. (God's angry to-do list, in the mind of an embittered zealot, must be a mile long...)

from papotheclown :

I will squish her a little extra for you today.

from browndamask :

I also get the quantum entanglement thing. When I click with someone it's no effort at all.

from browndamask :

The sensory stuff was never that bad until I started dealing with chronic pain. And I feel like my kids drain a lot of my social energy. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for it to be spent on them, but I do look forward to a time in the not so distant future when they are more independent and I can start investing in other people again.

from browndamask :

I too am autistic (as well as ADHD). Figured it out through the process of getting my youngest child diagnosed. Still unpacking and re-filtering a lot of my childhood & adolescence with that knowledge. Being female and gifted as a kid meant I pretty much had no chance of getting diagnosed back in the 80s/90s when I was growing up. I functioned much better in my teens through my mid-30s, but I've been pretty burned out the past ten years. Maybe someday, when my kids are older, I'll have the bandwith to invest in other people again.

from ernst :

Looked up that Fairouz tune, great lyric. And the Phrygian dominant (aka “the snake charmer” scale to us simpleminded, oft-casually-racist, Yanks) is a thing, still? In Middle Eastern Pop? (Only asking 'cause you mentioned you played gtr and were once in a band.) So yeah, that plus “One Way Or Another” in consecutive entries...quite the soundtrack there, in your head.

from browndamask :

1) Being neurodivergent, I'm not sure if I have less of myself to give, but it feels like it sometimes. It seems like something that renews for other people but not so much for me. 2) The Xerox rep tried but still couldn't figure it out. Frustrating. 3) If I knew what to do with my hair it would have been cut ages ago.

from ernst :

Did you just give me…Filipino nurse advice? Of course you did xoxo

from ernst :

I read the EIPR press release on that arrest. Chilling. It informs my appreciation of your writing here you know, the climate and context in which you type. Choose your battles and stay safe m'lady.

from browndamask :

I'm glad you liked it! My only issue is that, in her adulthood, she thought that "enchantment now lay behind her". I want to remember all the versions, and I don't want to stop evolving.

from ernst :

Ha! If only my barroom companions were as "dull" as you...have fun on your glamorous return the coast (Jealous of Phone Guy, haven't had my own back clawed w/shimmery nails in way too long).

from browndamask :

My favorite short story is "Little Selves" by Mary Lerner. That story is a lot of why I write what I write on here. I think it's okay to be lots of different versions of ourselves over time (as long as those changes come about organically) . I would hate to stop evolving just because I'm getting older. Also the loose-limbed rain watching was soooo nice.

from browndamask :

"I wonder what this Sarah will be?" Isn't that life - being a thousand different versions of ourselves? I so relate.

from browndamask :

endo is the fucking worst. actually home from work today. pretty sure i’ve cooked myself with a heating a pad. putting off surgery as long as I can. hoping you start to feel better!

from papotheclown :

It's maybe weird to respond to a note from like two months ago, but I just saw it. And you are adorable too.

from jimbostaxi :

I CHEDDAR at the thought it could get any worse!

from jimbostaxi :

Well, tell these people what happened officer,,,,( officer in a very sad tiny voice) she just couldn't CAMEMBERT anymore,,, Lol

from jimbostaxi :

Police hold a suspect for many hours under hot lamps and all they keep asking him is how he feels about different cheeses! :)

from ernst :

Sentence one, on day one, of the vacation-village chronicle and we're introduced to the handsome Alexandrian strongman? Chekhov's gun is loaded...

from ernst :

I had a crush on a Brazilian stripper in Hollywood who practiced Capoeira, and she invited me to a class. At least I thought she said "class", it was in fact a "club", and they were all well-experienced. Also Brazilian. And while I was fit, it was "middle-aged construction worker" fit, not "contortionist kick-boxing acrobat" fit so yeah, I feel your pain. Only 98 more days to go though!

from browndamask :

The book is called "Planet Funny" by Ken Jennings. I'm only about two chapters in. Regarding "monarch" - absolutely about (attempting) to break thought unhealthy thought patterns. It's this cycle of "if I can just reframe things mentally, I'll figure it out and get the closure I crave". But after 20 years it's a futile exercise. There is no closure. It's time to retrain my neural pathways.

from browndamask :

Re: 99 - Wish I didn't relate so much. I've found humor to be a pretty stellar defense system, even when it's not emotionally healthy. Also, reading a book right now about the growing influence and power of comedy in modern society - definitely true about the power of memes, etc.

from ernst :

Testing and confirming one's survival skills for the first time is confidence-building; after that it's a joyless, ceaseless chore. And I say that from the land of soft-kleenex and Nestle bars that don't cost as much as a house (yet...though the relationship between inflation and the cost of housing in the US is uncomfortably intimate, and too-rarely addressed). Don't know what the Vogons denied you, but damn them.

from ernst :

Been on an Almodóvar kick myself lately...could totally write an essay on the golden shower scene from "Pepi, Luci, Bom", about how it makes me feel every great way, all at the same time.

from ernst :

Really, you're just gonnna glissé over Hyper Arousal Mountain details? That got borderline spicy there for a moment...

from ernst :

Only the most macho sobbing for me, of course. xoxo

from jimbostaxi :

Thanks, The image of bulletproof boobies made me smile! I hope that you find some comforting beach boobies :) thanks for the note.

from ernst :

Yes, shorts! A human right. I so appreciate you walking us through this...we couldn't be more different (on paper) but your reflections resonate.

from portlypete :

Nothing to say, but I have big ears (see entry one).

from papotheclown :

You're singing voice sounds great in writing. Go out to those old people karaoke spots and kill it.

from papotheclown :

I needed to hear that. Thank you.

from ernst :

Well, thanks to your posts you're already in my head...just put on your new maillot and jump in the water.

from ernst :

An emotional bloodletting. Sounds needed.

from ernst :

You see a lot more freelance hauntings now, in the ghost gig-economy.

from ernst :

You see a lot more freelance hauntings now, in the ghost gig-economy.

from ernst :

Magical lookin' bird the hoopoe, like it flew out of a medieval tapestry or something. A distinguished new character for sure...

from ernst :

Magical lookin' bird the hoopoe, like it flew out of a medieval tapestry or something. A distinguished new character for sure...

from ernst :

This is some must-watch bird drama, keep us posted!

from msafire :

In reference to last entry- low or high? I am not much of a drinker but see why some do drink. One rare drink and mine is fierce! (HA HA not unusual!) Whichever... hormonally driven of course and this too shall pass, just a temporary phase!

from ernst :

A witch w/a warthog! Awesome. I bottle-fed and raised a warthog of my own, they’re hilarious and maddening and instinctively destructive. She must have been a witch to keep one tied on a lead…

from msafire :

Thank you for the last beautiful entry and guided relaxation moment.

from jimbostaxi :

Thank you for reading and for your lovely note. Sometimes, I’m able to say something meaningful about my state of being. Most times I struggle to get to that point and can’t articulate what I’m feeling particularly well. Happiness or what it is to be happy strikes a chord with quite a few people. I’m grateful to have this place to vent and to all of you who drop in to help me along. :)

from whystinger :

I am sorry that you have endometriosis but I am glad that they did diagnose it. For some shit reason, that is so often ignored or misdiagnosed or the symptoms are not taken seriously.

from the-grey-one :

yay! you’re back : )

from ernst :

A lot of moving parts to that last entry, look forward to reading more and scoping out your back-catalog.

from jimbostaxi :

Welcome back :)

from papotheclown :

Clown Rainbow Orgy would make a solid band name. Not a band that would ever be successful, but a band maybe made up of high-schoolers who are conflicted about what kind of music they should play. I imagine they would have bad sideburns and worse tattoos.

from papotheclown :

So very true

from the-grey-one :

your happy place sounds amazing

from papotheclown :

Your mom sounds awesome. And I wrote your last five notes. Look at that.

from papotheclown :

Your mom sounds awesome. And I wrote your last five notes. Look at that.

from papotheclown :

I like that catchphrase. I'm gonna steal it.

from papotheclown :

Well damn.I am sorry to hear that's how it went down, but am very impressed by your reaction to it. Stay strong and compassionate. I'm rooting for you.

from papotheclown :

That was a beautiful post. Just beautiful. I am happy for you.

from papotheclown :

Let me be another one to say read Alan Watts. He very quickly became one of my heroes.

from whystinger :

Loving one's self is important, very important. Hugs

from whystinger :

Thanks for the password. I have been too busy traveling for my job to even read Dairyland, so I have a lot to catch up on. Wow, you have been through a lot. Hugs. More comments as I read up and catch up.

from cloudy-night :

Glad to hear you're feeling better.

from cloudy-night :

Wow, you are really going through a lot. I honestly don't know what to say, I never invest in other people out of the fear that they may one day truly leave me. This may not mean much now, but I think the bravest people are those who open up their hearts and welcome all the good and bad things associated with love. I hope that you heal and although it may take a long time, it will eventually happen. Sorry for the heartache you're going through and I truly think you're handling it very well.

from the-grey-one :

Thank you for the password. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I send those awkwrd internet diaryland kinda thought-hugs your way. <3

from papotheclown :

Hey, thanks. You are pretty cool yourself

from papotheclown :

Very well said.

from the-grey-one :

Loved your latest! (The beginning and the end)

from whystinger :

Good advice in your entry dated 1/7/16, truly

from whystinger :

You quite smoking again! Keep quitting until you are where you want to be. It took me numerous times quitting over the years until I quit for good, even though I sort of fell off the wagon a few years ago.

from the-grey-one :

slosh really is a fantastic word.

from cloudy-night :

Sorry to read about your wisdom tooth, can you have it extracted? Hope you feel better.

from dangerspouse :

Was Eric Fromm particularly noted for writing in the present perfect tense? I must have missed that. Probably because I don't know what present perfect is. Huh. (But I did appreciate his quibbles with Freud.) Yeah, epilation does tend to make one sing the blues. On the other hand, my back has never been smoother. Hang in there. Your sweater rocks.

from cloudy-night :

It has also taken me a long time to learn things. And fact is, I'm still learning. Don't worry to much about what was, think about what is or will be because all the things you did or didn't do made you who you are today and I have to say, she is pretty damn awesome!

from cloudy-night :

I'm so glad to hear you're enjoying your time behind the wheel, can't help but be a little envious. I hope everything is going well.

from cloudy-night :

Glad to see that lasik helped you see things more clearly. Quite honestly, I'm scared to do it myself because I don't know the long-term effects, if any. Glad to see things are clearer for you (no pun intended)!

from cloudy-night :

Ouch, he must have been the world's biggest a**hole! I felt that from way over here.

from msafire :

8-31 entry could alternative been called "Why YOU should ONLY date a writer"

from cloudy-night :

Hey! I've been reading your entries and after reading them I don't know how to comment. So I just sit back and enjoy it for what it is. I know things are going well for you and I hope they continue to get better.

from cloudy-night :

You're a kind person, you know? You genuinely care about people and the things that go on around them ( and yourself). I'm sorry, I haven't gotten a chance to look at any of the documentaries you've posted up because if it concerns you, I know it's good to look into them. I didn't want to respond until I've checked them out, but I wanted you to know that I see why you're concerned. The events that are occurring are horrible and CNN and HLN seems to glorify it to me somehow - which I know isn't true, it's just how I feel when I watch the news. Later.

from msafire :

I am so enjoying self indulgently just lying in bed today for a rare change and discovering your BEAUTIFUL art work and lyrical writing that captures the essence of emotions. Thank you for sharing ! You ask how one writes poetry to capture emotion, yet it reads to me as if you have done just that.

from stardumb :

ancient pointy rocks? lol, yea def gotta see that... other than that, stop by anytime. i'll do the same. xxo

from the-grey-one :

i viewed it like that for a while myself. eventually further reflection revealed more to the story. as it tends to do! ah well, ah well.

from the-grey-one :

i used to have a pair of scissors in my pocket when i walked to the store alone at night. i was probably 10-13 or so. the store was across the street, but.. i was awfully scared. still needed the junkfood fix though. i was already such an addict in the making.. hm.. thought provoking entry, thank you.

from stardumb :

i clicked on ur name because one of my good friends lost a sarah to addiction/overdose inevitably. i guess u wouldnt be surprised if i liked the art in in it, and the longlore forelorn, crimson acidic attitude with something of spunk and sauteed in spice it woulda made me more aware of why i put saudia arabia in my prayer list. take care. well done. xo

from papotheclown :

Thank you for your kind words. I am writing all of this out because it helps me, but it is kind of wonderful to know that my story can help others too. As a side note, I love Simone De Beauvoir and Milan Kundera a lot as well.

from cloudy-night :

I only read as far back as "resigned to be heart broken" and all I can say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you feel. It is often said that people rather have been in love than never to have been in love at all. But I believe that idea manifest over time, when those cuts in a person's heart become scars and they can live with those scars. Not that you need my advice, but go through the motions. Feel, regret, long, etc. It will be alright, in time I'm sure. I hope that things can go back to how they were for you both, but since I haven't read back far enough, I don't know the reason things ended the way they did. And I also read, "In case you haven't noticed". I really abhor the injustice of it all. The pain, the suffering, the dictatorship. Nothing that they've done seems democratic, but I never been a lover of politicians. Even the purist politicians can lose their principles if what they seek means a lot to them. It's a story old as time itself, sacrificing one's soul to ensure no one else suffer when all the while, nothing changes. Back the the previous, I know you're hurting and I hope that it stops soon.

from cloudy-night :

You locked your diary? I understand, sometimes you just want to keep things to yourself. Drop me note every once in a while and let me know how things are, okay?

from the-grey-one :

aw dang, you're all locked up.. are you offering passwords perhaps?

from cloudy-night :

It is strange, how the thought of losing someone was adore can cause us to become panic stricken. It's a good feeling though, it's not easy to find someone that we know we can't live without. So you like nutella, eh? I never had it, but I know of it. Guess it's because of the gnutella story. I also wanted to mention that it's wild to rediscover yourself and to know that everything you believed to be true isn't quite the way you thought. Good to acknowledge it.

from cloudy-night :

I always thought you were awesome, but after reading your latest entry - you are beyond awesome to me now. I am bad with words, so whatever happens to exceed awesome is what you are!

from cloudy-night :

I really think that love is something that can last long after the honeymoon phase. I haven't really been in love, but I believe that there are cycles pertaining to the whole idea of love, but what do I know? And I think it is awesome that you both wrote a list of what you like about one another, that is very sweet.

from cloudy-night :

It is good to show your thanks. Acknowledging the good things we are given makes all the bad things that may happen seems like little to nothing.

from cloudy-night :

Sometimes it's best to keep things to yourself until you confirm whatever it is you are hesitant to tell.

from cloudy-night :

Instinct, fear - I know them well. Every step I've taken, I took in fear and through faith, I ignored my instincts to turn back. But only a few times, I wish I would have ignored my instincts a lot more when it came to the things that I wanted. Sometimes, the fear is the only deterrent when it comes to you and your happiness.

from loveherwell :

this may sound weird, but i've been reading through a lot of your entries tonight and i got to where you put up your soundcloud link, and just... wow. that cover of "for no one" is beyond beautiful.

from cloudy-night :

I hope you find your Italy.

from darthuae :

"It's more okay now to admit to hardcore fetishes than to say you'd like to be in love." - couldn't agree more (actually your whole entry made more sense to me than any of the feminist BS i've been hearing.) i'm also angry at the kind of man who thinks my saying "no" is a mere suggestion or cry for help. that somehow, in the back of his deranged mind, "no" is a "yes" in burqa.

from cloudy-night :

You're welcome and I agree with what you wrote in your latest post, had to read it twice because I wanted to make sure I got it and I got it.

from cloudy-night :

I'm so sorry...

from darthuae :

habibti, let me in please <3

from the-grey-one :

"so what if some of the people there make you literally physically ill? vomit on them" i bust out laughing when i read that. so perfect. that one is going to stay with me for a while.

from judging :

I'm not dead... yet :)

from cloudy-night :

I just read your note and I agree that my reasons for adopting an eff you attitude isn't justified. And to be honest, it won't stop me for caring any less. The problem with caring adequately is that it can't be done. There isn't really a middle ground. Either you care or don't care or you care too much or not enough. But I guess just caring is adequate, right? It's better than caring too much. I did want to comment on your entry, "no longer my soapbox". It takes a lot of effort to let people you see in the real world to read your personal thoughts and all, but it's bad for business too. You would've been better off making a friendlier blog for them to read. I've done it and it's irksome, but it makes them happy.

from swallowthkey :

for all that she tried, i don't think she ever understood the value of living things. also in general she just had a penchant for throwing things, at me especially. all gifts of potted plants will be well received, especially if they are not airborne.

from lanienaked :

i think the problem is the level of stupidity in a person. i see many people who are average that i find stupid, yet i know they will lead a normal average life and teach their children those normal average traits. i feel surrounded by idiots on a constant basis...

from integrating :

LOL. I kinda don't know what you're talking about, but I quit cigarettes in Nov but have taken up smoking an herbal blend you have to roll yourself. Every herb is chosen for it's calming effect. $6 a bag. I don't know if they have Planet K's where you are but that's where I get them. :)

from integrating :

2012-02-26..again, I really enjoyed reading that.

from integrating :

2012-02-23....very beautiful entry

from dinahsoar :

Thank you for your note. I have been especially drawn to Rumi lately! And you, too, huh? I recently bought three volumes. One is love poetry and there are commentaries by Coleman Barks ... who I find to be an amazing writer. I usually skip prefaces and introductions (I know I shouldn't), but his are really well written ... funny and passionate and insightful! Oh ... and Rumi's great, too! lol

from darthuae :

i found a rooftop we could sit on and watch the planets twirl/speak in arabic if the right words fit/fall in love with strangers just to touch their knitwear/collapse indecently in a confronting culture/love love love and not leave in broken shoes/use the pockets of our trousers like chest-boxes that will hold everything but treasure/i found all this through words and my husband's death in '69 (this is me trying to tell you that i love you too).

from infinityfye :

I'll have to agree. If only to leave, quickly, because it smells. An what the hell is your (the world's) problem with Mary Poppins? Don't take your hate (duh) for Julie Andrews on poor Mary Poppins. You're just Angry she never pops-out at your house.

from infinityfye :

Party pooper

from kateness :

"there's no trick to feeling full except knowing what you have" - thank you

from darthuae :

"and then I learned that sometimes, all my bravery amounts to is annoyance." i feel this way a lot like my insides just want to slowly and painfully drizzle out of me because i've been pretending (or even genuinely showing) strength. i love dh lawrence too, i've only ever read the virgin and the gipsy and i wish i had the book with me now but someone borrowed it forever and i guess that's why we have memories or some shit like that to keep us always on tip toes and remembrance of things/people/places we no longer have (? i think).

from infinityfye :

Were you in Egypt during #GanzoryTimes?

from darthuae :

my body's so bourgeois too it turns on itself and points.

from darthuae :

oink oink indeed.

from darthuae :

aw honey, you don't know but i do a little chair dance every time i see that you've updated. you're one of my favourites on here! your diary: brilliant, educated, funny, sexy, individual, honest! are you in egypt at the moment? hope everything's alright around you, i don't trust what the media's saying! love x

from darthuae :

i'm so twitter-oriented these days that i almost wanted to star your 'sagacious gender and relationship Q&A' entry. fuck. how do you do this, i'm stuck in line of blurry beauty! thank you? i'm sorry if i sound super lame, happens whenever i find treasure on here.

from swallowthkey :

reading it over this morning made me realize how comparatively small and trivial all my issues are right now, which helps in a way. sometimes it's good to realize you're just being melodramatic.

from swallowthkey :

all my support to you and yours in egypt, may you be successful in your aims.

from infinityfye :

(no u)

from dinahsoar :

God, I love your writing! You are one of the realest persons I know (and, really, I don't know you).

from dinahsoar :

Hope and wish and dream! I applaud your spirit!

from infinityfye :

A whore and a bitch? Sweeeeet! Listen to Milanku: Convalescence

from dinahsoar :

"... so they could recognize their own insides in their own echoes ..." Your writing is astute and very moving.

from swallowthkey :

for what you wrote today, thank you. i really needed to hear that.

from dinahsoar :

I love your "open letter to Rut"!

from dinahsoar :

Wow! Theologian AND writer! I'm so glad you resonated with the Imago poem. Imago is such a strong and sometimes "stealth" pull, so compelling! Have you ever read Harville Hendrix' book Getting the Love You Want? It talks a lot about the Imago and even has ways that you can "graph" your relationship patterns & determine your Imago. He even started a program teaching therapists "Imago Therapy".

from i-lost-sarah :

dinah, i wish to hug you :) infinitye-- i've never read the scarlet letter! (burning in shame), and it's funny you should mention homicidal Johnny and his recreational drugs-- bumped into the prick a few days ago, and he is assuredly NOT hot!

from infinityfye :

Oh and "maybe they've just learned the trick of pulling people in knowing they'll never be closer"; that's a pretty awesome trick. Until you start doing "recreational" drugs or start thinking that Johnny the Homicidal Maniac is hot.

from infinityfye :

The Scarlet Letter: Nathaniel Hawthorne. You guess the - famous - quote.

from dinahsoar :

I don't think you're nuts. I think you're amazing. And I really liked "Random Act of Like".

from i-lost-sarah :

enduring part i've got down-- learning part not so much :)

from infinityfye :

Disce pati

from dinahsoar :

Thank you for your note. I'm touched that you are touched by my poem. I loved your entry and deeply resonate with " ... so many things she can't forget and never wanted to know".

from dinahsoar :

"Lovin' & crazy" being the secret recipe to make humans you want to hug ... that is just one of the most profoundly true statements I have ever heard. I have felt that way my whole life ... always gravitating to the love and the crazy! See ... you read my mind again (and, no, I am not accusing you of being psychic ... you're really funny, too!)

from sunnyrain828 :

You're a pretty good writer. I like.

from dinahsoar :

I love your diary! You are an insightful, lucid and witty writer.What you wrote about shyness and the whole process of discerning insides from outsides resonates. Rehabilitating "shyness" and "crying", rather than making it an enemy to conquer makes me feel understood. It is like you have never met me, yet can read my mind.

from i-lost-sarah :

infinity ya 7abeeby, finishing five minutes in five minutes ysawy gareema ded al ensaneyya.

from infinityfye :

Is it legal to finish five minutes in five minutes?

from isky :

Don't go, I will miss your beautiful cynicism xx

from isky :

I really enjoyed reading your diary. Your writing style is awesome:)

from i-lost-sarah :

infinity--they were heavy and that was all i had :)

from infinityfye :

umm, why not a full pack?

from infinityfye :

username and password plox!

from darthuae :

thanks, love. your words make my mind go aha aha (the disco 'aha' not the 'i get it' aha).

from wtng4lezlie :

Passwords are such easy things.

from infinityfye :

Oooh! Touchy. I really wasn't pushing any buttons, it just so happened I have a binary brain that is designed for extreme workloads and has multithreading, so I was reading your diary while reading this "http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=emo" (check No.2), which is a little more or less my idea about emo. By the way if I clled you emo one more time will you make another entry with me in it???

from infinityfye :

Kundera = Milan Kundera??????

from darthuae :

mmmm mmm mmmm mmmm

from infinityfye :

This was actually intended at your previous entry, but you updated as I was writing this, strange huh? so this goes for this one too. Not that I don't care, which I don't -or do, I don't know. And I (adopting Ben Stiller's voice as Derek Zoolander in the movie -obviously- Zoolander) "really really really" don't want this to sound the way it is going to, but since it is going to anyway I think it is safe to apologize in advance. However, as I'm very well aware that I cannot comprehend your emotional state, or rather emotional "?malestrom?" that you are in, I do tend to believe you should laugh when I say it. In either case it doesn't really matter because I "really really really" can't help myself... EMO!

from infinityfye :

It is not your neck you would be risking. More likely your pride.

from darthuae :

whoa. you made my heart pound with that entry. and not delicately.

from darthuae :

i like that too. and i like the fact that i can make apposite shiny masks from your words - masks that help me deal with the world... (was that a stupid thing to declare?)

from infinityfye :

First of all it is called swine-bloody-flu, when people say N1H1 I instantly transition into a day dream where Iran fires an N1H1 rocket at us! Second, If your age fits into this equation "25<= x >=19" then it is only the norm to see people getting "hitched", next thing thing I know they'll be calling me gay for not getting "hitched", or worse; a pedophile, or even worse; a hermit. However, I do wonder why anyone who is about to get "hitched" would bring up the subject of other people getting "hitched"?

from infinityfye :

Huh?

from infinityfye :

"He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner."

from infinityfye :

1. Be proud of wasta. Afterall, women can't drive. 2. Name the five different kinds of chocolate. (locally available please!) 3. I'm convinced sex has ancient medicinal properties and I'm more than willing to be somebody's... "sex-partner"? If you have one have them contact me please. 4. I won't lend you, but I'm willing to trade it, for your air conditioner perhapes?

from infinityfye :

Well, if he looks like hasan then tell him to shave and get a haircut for crying out loud, although I have to admit, I love the idea of a lesbian julia roberts. P.S. All metal singers are gods, except for the ones that wear tights!

from darthuae :

welcome back to the land of diaries. escape is now futile (or optional). glad you're back, though.

from infinityfye :

What sort of punishment ought you give hosting sites that bail out on ya?

from infinityfye :

You haven't updated in ages. "Why, god dammit, why?"

from darthuae :

i do seriously hope that 'wants' sound better happening than written down--but they do sound pointlessly beautiful!

from i-lost-sarah :

thankies, bitching in a somewhat eloquent form is the only thing i can do :)

from raven72d :

vur' fun entries...

from elliestuff :

I really like the title of the last post. Really, good writing.

from raven72d :

snow globes? i do love snow globes...

from darthuae :

hope you got my email :)

from darthuae :

i know a lot of people who'd most definitely brag about being elitist to everyone they encounter. anyway, that doesn't matter. glad i stumbled across your dland--it's really a good read (if you don't mind, that is.)

from darthuae :

so, mad is the new general stereotype? sounds about right. in that case i don't think i want to be mad--gotta have more craizee than that. can i safely judge that you certainly do not sound like a philistine? (compared to a lot of people i've met before.)

from darthuae :

the entry titled "in betweens"--it rummaged through my memory, took parts of it off, and then subsided astray. maybe you should say "you're welcome" more often (i feel weird saying it myself) because sometimes you just deserve it - why deprive yourself from that human right?

from dreamgirl457 :

Hello everybody, I'm so siked bout diaryland and if anyone could add me that would be cool=)

from darthuae :

really, thank you for that entry.

from deepest-blue :

Just leaving a note to say hi. Like your writing and can relate to some of your stuff. Hang in there xxo.

from infinityfye :

All that, next spring? "Wooow", or "Riiight" I don't know, you choose.

from infinityfye :

Whenever you feel physically incapable of eating this much fat (do you really think this is much fat?) in one sitting, I'd recommend suicide.

from infinityfye :

You're willing to be patient and to keep it to yourself. But can you? Tricky! Tricky!

from infinityfye :

"Credulous at best your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men"

from ah013 :

Happy birthday :) - Abba

from infinityfye :

Rage is... erm, eh. Good.

from infinityfye :

I tend to think that Kiss Of The Dragon is Jet Li's worst movie ever... But I love Bridget Fonda so it'll have to pass.

from infinityfye :

The sith? You know Star Wars, the Jedi, The Sith and the God Father. Total and thorough knowledge of all 3 is the way to have your wisdom become truly coherent with the life currents of the universe. It's every shallow man's dream.

from infinityfye :

I don't think that your grand mother is now free, not claiming that I know her, but we are what we decide to do, and as they say, or HE says ; "Innama Al A3mal bel Ne'yat"... and one never knows what these people's intentions are, until you really know someone... hmm... anyway did you turn to the dark side? are you sith?

from infinityfye :

A wise man once said; "A conservative, is person with perfectly good legs, who however, have not yet learned to walk"

from infinityfye :

You know... you look like you need a vacation. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. Besides It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.

from soft-fairy :

Do NOT hate yourself. You are a wonderful person. Hate the world if you want, but dont include urself in it *hug*

from soft-fairy :

Do u ever sit on msn? Never was i able to fetch you on the right time *rolls eyes* I'm in sunny Cairo these days, just moved here. Trying to adjust *taps own self*

from infinityfye :

Hmm, now I wouldn't know about plotting a web of lies as it's strictly a girls' thing :-P but yes you're true, the more complex the most likely you'll forget and more likely you'll be caught. But. when you do get caught (so I hear) the most likely you'll come up with this almost perfect lie that'll get your plot up and running again... or so I've been told.

from soft-fairy :

Talk about having sadistic genes. Bwaah!

from infinityfye :

So the Israel peoplez have sadestic genes, "If Hezb-Allah wasn't so cowardly as to make a base of it's operations in civilan-populated areas there would have been no civilian casualties" says the Isreali counsil in the US. 179 dead all but 13 of whom are civilans and over 600 wounded. But bear in mind that this is not new to Israel, but you also have to keep in mind that the "first strike" Hezbolla's. But what manifested Hezb-allah's move, do they really just want to negotiate a prisoner exchange? The Disarm? No, The disarm conditions by the Lebaneese government were for Hezbollah's war division to integrate into the Lebanese army and become part of the government. While an Egyptian envoy in Israel were negotiating a prisoner exchange, the negotiations failed, why? Mubarak says negotiations were successfull, until a "third party" interfered. who was that third party... also, a couple of months ago Mubarak said "Iran is interfering in Iraq, and may be funding some of the gurellaz there" he was attacked by all the so called opposition parties and other Arab countries, when infact it was true, and that third party was Iran. In Nasr-Allah's speech yesterday he said adressing the Lebanese, more like "his" lebanese "don't worry about what gets destroyed we have <<friends>> that will give us money to rebuild... blah blah blah". Iran is acting like a superpower and wants to have some control on the region, I think Iran thins they've got the russian and the chineese behind their backs. Israel can't just launch an attack on Syria or Iran, but as with all sadestic people, they have to kill somebody.

from infinityfye :

Anger is good, anger is the easiest way to let go. And the most effective one too.

from infinityfye :

you're welcome.

from infinityfye :

Seems to me that you're just an anarchist

from infinityfye :

When people obsess with "death", they are actually obsessing with life. It's life that is concrete, not death, it's life that you have not death, it's life that you know and think you understand not death. You are here and you do what you have to do, and sometimes you get to do what you want to do, and if you're really really lucky; what you have to do is what you want to do. It's good to believe in Karma... but I believe in a 4-5 to drop the drama.

from infinityfye :

Non realistic????? Damn... you certainly set some new definition for real with the "Stockholm syndrome"... who exactly is kidnapper??? what about Genophobia and you get to score with your prof. or Arad 2... maybe But'n'Ben A gogo's Senga... but really it's insulting to insult alchohol.

from infinityfye :

You quote Dr. Evil and name your belly... wow!

from infinityfye :

You maybe going schizo, but it's more likely you're trying to waste as much time as you can before you actually get to writing.

from infinityfye :

In truth, everything that actually matters seem to turn up after you get to the point where nothing matters.

from infinityfye :

that's any birth certificate of course not just yours...

from infinityfye :

I recently discovered something important too, if you look at the back of your birth certificate you'll read something that sounds like: "dull-witted, annoying people tend to be incredibly successful. So try to be one"

from infinityfye :

No I'm not even close to being an ecelctic. And I haven't seen any manifesto limiting each individual to a certain type of music.

from soft-fairy :

Does your msn address actually work? Or do you sit on it sometimes? *laughs* Cause we never seem to get hold of each other! Cheers.

from infinityfye :

Someone important - or famous- - probably both - said "You can't wear one mask to yourself and another to the multitude without the two mixing up together". What exactly are you talking about: Death Metal and Vanessa Carlton?

from soft-fairy :

"Love is not synonymous to attention, but the perception of love/being loved--at times-- is exactly that." Even Dante�s version of unrequited love becomes tainted when lovers start counting the days before crumpling someone else�s bed sheets. Most relationships have lost their consecration with boyfriends and girlfriends adopting pleasures outside the institution that initially bound them together. Falling in love has become a huge gamble with many people condoning extra "marital" behaviour as a sign of the times, a time that brings with it maniacal highs and miserable lows. The race to get into a relationship also brings with it a special brand of torment all of its own, the kind that has parents vying to find that perfect match for their more than perfect offspring (or so they like to think) by crushing a million hearts along the way. Matrimonial hopefuls are always looking for bigger, better and richer and if exhibit A doesn�t live up to their expectations, they move onto sample B and so forth until they find that big, fat reserve of unlimited power and bounty from which they can devour the fruit of their labour through fake smiles and pretence...

from soft-fairy :

Haaaaaaa! Kamikaze barbie, eh. Nice. Very nice. Hehe. Thankyou so much for ur kind comment, but no, i dont write professionally. I tend to write when im angry, you know, it comes out easier and quicker. Otherwise i can stay hours pondering in front of a blank paper. Il keep reading ur diary sarah! Logically yours.

from infinityfye :

Failing lots of things, only because I woke up these final exam days and couldn't get anyone to change my pitiful mind that insisted on not going. I'm really tripping here with this "fail my people" thing, where were you born? Egypt?

from infinityfye :

I don't know about being intelligent, I think we agreed I'm not the handsome intelligent type? lol thanks anyway. you're not the only one failing though, but not in arabic.

from infinityfye :

I would gladly give you mine if I didn't have loads of assignments and software to design and document. Oh wait, I forgot... I don't do assignments. You want it?

from infinityfye :

well, if by "one of those days" you mean a red eyes, bad hair day then maybe it's the story of my life. but if you mean one of those days where everything turns light years worse than what you hoped it would be when you were thinking "What could be worse?", then this this is definitly the story of my life.

from infinityfye :

Maybe, but I like to think of my diary as an incantaion of punishment. Evil? lol I don't think so, I'm the first true, probably the last and maybe the only, evil entity in the planes. do you know the saying "Heaven won't take me and hell is afraid I'll take over" that was made up to describe me... " I am the embodiment of all creations' ills and my purpose is but a simple one... to annhilate all that is unworthy, all that is but a reflection of my self... or drink the world's entire supply of liquor" :P

from infinityfye :

So you only use the diary to whine about stuff??? Hmm, I haven't heared anything about any Ivy team prick... but you can certainly remind any ivy team prick that their white asses were beaten up by the egyptians at the bearing point world rowing cup regatta in lucerne switzerland. okay so it was in 2004 but still.

from infinityfye :

Ah and how lucky I am to stumble upon this great diary of yours, there is a number big enough; "Infinity" that's me. Fye... Infinity Fye. Err. well I don't know about feed back the next morning but I certainly would like to be ading feedback everynow and then, what say you?

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