DiaryLand members area

but what about the hurt caused to yourself by changing your name? Doesn't that matter as much as Eagle being hurt? Why isn't she changing her name? If it comes down to changing a name, perhaps you both should pick a new last name and both change it!

from lovelyfancy :

Just a passerby, I just HAD to leave a note to say your kitties are TOO adorable. :)

from ship-jumper :

Heya gal. Long time. Sounds as if things with you and Eagle are going well. Nice to hear. Sorry about the events of late however...hang in there!

from jenniam :

holy crap!!! so what's going to happen? when do you go back to the doc?

from jenniam :

I did. She *is* ok.

from jenniam :

I've contacted her as well. I hope she's ok.

from noaddedme :

Conan had this thing on Friday with Donald's face & the lips talking. He had Donald saying how the only reason a hot looking babe is with someone ugly is because of money and Conan was making references to his hot wife being w/him ... it was great!

from jenniam :

I loved South Beach. Transitioning from phase 1 to 2 is hard. 3fatchicks.com/forums is a great resource!!! They have a south beach community. Tell Ruth and Beachgal I sent you! Good luck!

from jenniam :

yikes. I've never felt that way before. How often do to see the nephew? maybe amp it up a bit? get more exposure to him or other kids. I can't have my own as far as I know now but that doesn't mean you can't be a mother.

from noaddedme :

boy, that's one I can't answer. I don't want kids of my own, but I can tell you that seeing my greats & the twins shortly after they were born just melted things in me I didn't know I had. I'd say just give it time. I don't think it's anything that can be simply turned on (or off!)

from jenne1017 :

don't leave!!!

from jenniam :

It's Nov. 19th!!! HAPPY HAPPY DAY!

from jenniam :

I am very surprised that Eagle's stayed clean this whole time. Color me wrong! Good for you two!

from elidh :

Aren't we pulling out the cliches! Have a great weekend, I hope you bowl over average!

from seekingme :

I totally agree...but it is also true that you "live and learn!"

from elidh :

I completely understand. It is crazy how when you love someone, you see what you want to see and envision what you believe the other is capable of, rather than see the plain and simple truth that stares you in the face. It is a cliche, but love is blind.

from elidh :

Do you still miss yourexlove?

from shadow19 :

Fight your "financial loser" legacy! You've talked yourself into this "label" and then allow yourself to fulfill it. You CAN change. Most importantly, build yourself a buffer against overdrafts. Then ID where your downfalls are and "plug the holes." I'm convinced...life is easier when one lives with intention (I'm working to practice this in non-financial areas)...make up your mind, then do it. I don't mean to sound preachy (because who the hell am I), but I'm convinced you can live down the loser legacy once you truly commit to success. All the best. -Mary (a lurker 'til now)

from pstlyfdiva :

if you don't feel comfortable coming out at work, you can just say that you got a long overdue divorce -- it is the truth!

from noaddedme :

Congrats on the review & the money in the bank!!

from sandandfog :

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you, you deserve this!

from noaddedme :

Make up a new last name and both of you take it!

from camera-girl :

That smily-banner just made me click on it and here I am. You made me smile with that banner. Thanks! Too bad to hear about your co-worker. Life works in myterious ways, that's for sure! *sigh*

from elgan :

I found your diary through your banner, and I was very sorry to read about your colleague. How horrible. It sounds as though she lived life to the fullest, which may be some compensation, but not much.

from myheartlines :

Oh ok I see, good that the classes are online. Here's to Eagle passing! <3

from myheartlines :

I love reading you but it concerns me a lot that you throw so much away in overdraft fees. First, my credit union only charges $25 per incident, not $38. Do you have credit unions around you could look in to? Banks ALWAYS charge more because they are not federally insured and it costs them more to provide that protection. Dont be the sucker. Also, the fact that youre going to pay for eagle to go to school while you continue working, is this a wise choice considering she cant even be trusted around stuff like benadryl??! People in school could influence her or give her a way to get this stuff, maybe SHE should be working and YOU go back to school!!!

from jenniam :

WHY ARE YOU LOCKED???? Are you ok? And can I read?????????????????????????

from shadow19 :

Declaring my "lurkiness" as well. Sorry to see that you're locked, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Take care.

from pebbiestoo :

Guess I can't be a lurker with a locked diary...:(

from pstlyfdiva :

my mom shattered her ankle about 7 years ago and had to have surgery. her's was very sore for well over 6 months and it still has flare ups -- not to scare you, but just wanted to let you know that in least in terms of my mother it is "normal"

from jenniam :

I think it is a sign. And like you, I can't really enjoy my time off as I can't do anything!! PS -- you can delete my comment below so it doesn't throw your page out of whack. You still look FAB!

from jenniam :

do you see any similarities between your dream and your life with Eagle? Only your mom is playing Eagle's role so that maybe you see that life isn't all rosey? I think your mom is trying to tell you something!

from jenniam :

Hugs...you know my take! I can't deal with lying. But I am so not you and not there. I just want you to be happy.

from jenniam :

I am an "expert" kisser, I am an enfj, body communicator, 67% female and 33% male brain, all american kid, and pro girlfriend

from noaddedme :

From what I know, either the graft or the artifical will be fine. Just depends on how secure you feel with the artifical. I've never had either, though it's been mentioned at various times in the past, even a combination of both. Which ever you choose, they will make sure they lay enough bone down so that as soon as it "attaches" to your existing bone matter, you'll be more secure. As someone who's been a non-healer, I know how badly this sucks! Hang in there! The day will come when you forget how many years it's been since it happened. Hard to believe now, but it will come!

from dietingjenn :

Since I saw you last, you've LOST weight hon

from noaddedme :

I'd never seen pictures before! Cute pup and it is cool to put a face to the names!

from jenniam :

Oh, I guess I didn't realize that your health was suffering. Sorry! Good luck on it!

from jenniam :

Hi hon! Why not try www.fitday.com. It's a free way to log in ALL the food and drinks you have. That way you can tell how much fat and cals you are taking in now, before you cut down. And you can always have one regular soda a day -- its when it gets to 2-3 that the calories add up! 2000 is what you'd eat to maintain your weight. For me, I need to stay within 1200-1400 to lose weight. If you want any help, let me know because that's what I've gone back to -- I counted calories and lost my first 35 without exercise. So I am counting again WITH exercise. Let's hope it works. PS -- I can't believe she would ASK you to lose weight. HB would never dare and even when I say I am fat, she says I am not and says she loves me the way I am.

from noaddedme :

I know it's hard now but it will be worth all the pain in the long run. It does get better!

from jenniam :

Welcome back! We missed you...

from jenniam :

hang in there! miss your updates. GET BETTER SOON!

from jenniam :

glad to hear from you. How is Eagle doing on the drug front?

from jenniam :

are you ok?

from soccernut :

I felt the same fears when I had my accident last year. Believe me, things WILL get back to normal. Eventually. Good luck.

from noaddedme :

squeeze the different muscles in your leg tight as you can and hold them for a bit. Just keep repeating on and off. It will keep the muscles firing. Don't get discouraged if you shake a bit when it happens. It also helps the blood to flow better, which helps your whole body. Hang in there, I know it's slow, but you'll be banging your way through pt in no time!

from katress :

i have an arm boot thingy. ugly. heavy as hades. i hear ya!!!

from noaddedme :

Oh man, I so understand! Being imobilized sucks soooooooooo hard! Just a suggestion, do isometric exercises with that leg. It will help keep a bit of muscle tone on it, which will help when you start walking again.

from jenniam :

is Eagle home???

from pstlyfdiva :

hope you two had a nice home-coming. good luck on your recovery and on making your relationship what you dream it can be.

from jenniam :

CONGRATS girlie!

from noaddedme :

yeah for home!

from noaddedme :

I like the new layout!

from jenniam :

honestly? like the old one better. This hurts my eyes!

from katress :

(((hugs))) Fortunately, it's almost over, right? I've been thinking about you.

from noaddedme :

I have to say that I really found out who my true friends were when I had my car crash. I had many friendships that ended when they showed me I didn't matter if I couldn't do what they wanted to do. In the long run I can say it's been no loss to have them gone.

from noaddedme :

Ugh, sounds more like you are in prison! Broken bones suck and the whole "hurry up and wait" part of healing is the WORST! I'm thinking of you and sending healing vibes!

from dragprincess :

I know what you mean -- sitting still is hard. But this is also a good time to reflect on it all and make some decisions and changes.

from pstlyfdiva :

good luck on a speedy recovery. i'm sorry you won't have the seekingme-time that you were hoping for.

from jenniam :

holy crapoli!! There goes your time alone huh? Feel better. I can't believe you had to have surgery. Tell people it's because you fell off a table while dancing!

from pebbiestoo :

I hope you have a speedy recovery

from elidh :

I do hope you are ok, a broken leg can be quite serious. I hope it isn't too serious. Was it your femur? Or your lower leg? Get well soon.

from pstlyfdiva :

Oh no! I hope you mend quickly!

from jenniam :

you ok? I don't think it's an April fool's! Yikes, and without eagle there soon???

from noaddedme :

ok, that was posted april 2nd, so it's not a joke ... I hope you are on the mend fast!

from dragprincess :

Holy moley -- what happened?????

from jenniam :

oh. I musta missed it :(

from jenniam :

when did you find out it was in a week?

from dragprincess :

Look at it this way...be grateful it's only 30 days. Be hopeful that Eagle might finally hear the message in jail. Be mindful that if this doesn't work and if she doesn't surrender and get help for her addiction, she's going to keep harming herself and others. And that can include you too.

from katress :

You know, that's the thing. In Her Shoes was a book by an author I LOVE! But the movie...eh. I was let down. Thanks for the reviews - Dave and I have been trying to find "good" movies to rent because lately everything that we get seems to just stink it up.

from jenniam :

you are totally right. you are her lover and partner, not her keeper. I hope this 5-30 days in jail helps both of you realize it, you know?

from jenniam :

I guess that's an issue in and of itself if you feel like you have no say in YOUR (plural) house. Interesting...Hang in there!

from jenniam :

so you let her smoke pot in your house? I am confused because of the entry previous to this one.

from bythecinders :

I'm in Canton! That's too funny!

from bythecinders :

I think there needs to be a combination between spending time with you significant other and having time to socialize with others. Its hard to do because you start off wanting to spend 100% of your time with this person, then you become comfortable and yearn this old life you had before. If you can find a balance (and they will get used to it, maybe even like it too)it will make your relationship stronger, knowing you have each other, but you have your own interests and identity, its just not as easy as it sounds. I struggle with that myself. If I don't do things on my own or with friends every so often I start to feel trapted and I start to think I want out completely. btw, do you live in MI, your weather sounds like ours here today!

from dragprincess :

Eagle thinks like an addict. Self-centeredness and playing the victim is the core of our disease.

from soccernut :

Sweetie, 2 miles is not that bad if you really want to overcome something.... Walking the 2 miles also means taking responsibility and "paying a price" for your mistakes.... In any case, I wish you the best of luck tomorrow. B~

from dragprincess :

Jail time might really help Eagle see -- this disease ain't gonna go away on its own. And it might give you some room to reflect on the codependency of the relationship and see what needs to change from you.

from jenniam :

Good luck doll. I know it will be rough on her, but moreso you. I mean, I don't get why she isn't doing EVERYTHING within her power to make sure she's not in jail, you know? I mean, if she doesn't care about herself, how can she fully care about you? Ok. Stopping that now. I hope all goes well for you. Let us know, ok?

from katress :

Yikes - I work for a major bank, and our fees are $33/item. Yeah, they'll charge you for every one for the most part, as the bank is basically "loaning" money if the items are paid, and it's all $$$ for processing if they're not. And it honestly is a lot of processing. Hope it all works out!

from noaddedme :

I suck with finances too, but I just started online banking because I haven't balanced my checkbook in .. well I just haven't! Now at least I can see where I'm at financially and check what has cleared. I sleep better at night even though I'm still broke!

from jenniam :

I ws down in the dumps today and last night too. Can't get Tex's car and she was not the nicest about it...

from jenniam :

no need to be jealous -- really. You can come visit!!! Or you can move!!!

from soccernut :

That's so funny. "Somebody" is my favorite song in the world. Not a lot of people dig Depeche Mode.... :)

from dragprincess :

Again, that's projection. How would you handle that? One of two ways -- grieve and get stuck or grieve and move on.

from dragprincess :

And if she does attempt suicide (which is only projection), that's on HER. Not YOU.

from soccernut :

Do you give Eagle a weekly allowance? Don't you think that this can be enabling her to get drugs? What if you didn't -- what would she do? For starters she'd have to find a job, no? What do you think?

from katress :

I found that I lost weight when I reduced stress. I know, easier said than done. My stress reducer was a divorce. Most importantly though, love yourself for who you are! :) I think you're fantastic!

from dragprincess :

Eagle is lying because she doesn't want to change. DO NOT CODA HER.

from iambucket :

Ok hon, I get that a lot of what gets put here is venting and more negative; not a full depiciton of the whole of your relationship with Eagle. Of course there are great things about Eagle that don't make the pages, and wonderful times that you share, or you wouldn't be with her still. Or maybe I'm wrong there too, I don't know. At the very least, the crux of the problems and frustrations seem to stem from her use, whether it's the uppers, the booze or the pot. It's all the same. Still using the pot is still altering her state of mind. The only thing I would suggest is to hold off then on doing any major ceremony until there has been a long period of her not using. A long period of her healing from ALL of her addictions as well as the behaviors and patterns that go with the use. Too, you will then know she is quitting for herself and not just for you. 'Cuz ultimately if she doesn't quit this crap for herself, it will always be a problem in her life, and a problem that you will then have to to stick with. I think when people post their concern in your possible 'settling' this is what they are referring to. Change of this kind takes a long time, and even a few months isn't necessarily long enough, let alone a few weeks here and there. Take care of yourself hon. You deserve all of the good you get from Eagle, but you don't have to outweigh it with the pain and frustration...there is someone out there that can be all to you. Just give it some more time ok? Peace out to you babe.

from endthelies :

Sure- the un is friend, and the pw is sunflower

from endthelies :

I don't comment often- actually, I don't think I've ever commented- but I understand about the venting thing. I used to use my diary to vent about my ex, and my friends online got a bad impression of him. It bothered me, because I really do think of the people who read my diary and comment as friends, and i want them to share my experiences and sometimes I forget that they can only really share my limited report of my experiences. I'm seeing someone else now, and I try hard to write down all of my feelings about our relationship. I want to give a well rounded impression in my writing, for other people and myself. I want my friends to like my boyfriend, and also, I want to be able to look back through my diary and feel like it's honest and whole.

from dragprincess :

Eagle is far from bad...but I get very frustrated with her behavior. Hey, people were always frustrated with mine too when I was using. The pot is still using. I'm hoping the AA meetings will help -- have her try NA too, see what she feels comfortable with.

from jenniam :

Ok --I am only speaking for me when I say that I do not think Eagle is a bad person. I just don't think she's the person for you. And that's not to say I am being fair because, and you are right, I only get to see the side you show us of her. But, when the bad is as bad as it is, and you do update with some good, it just feels like you are settling. Like this entry -- maybe it's the words you use but just because she's treated you the best so far doesn't mean she's the best for you. That's all. I know you love her. And I know she loves you too. It's just hard for us in 2-d to get a 3-d picture of you. And you WITH her. :)

from jenniam :

hope you are ok out there - you keep disappearing!

from iambucket :

I have to say I am a bit shocked that you are contemplating a comittment ceremony at this stage with Eagle with all that is going on and your feelings and frustrations surrounding the relationship. While I haven't commented in a long time I have kept up with your postings....please think about that one some more hon. I know I don't need to say that a ceremony of that type is more than just assuming a name, but there I said it! Hugs to you my friend.

from katress :

Just de-lurking myself. Interesting reading. :) I'll be back!

from jenniam :

u ok out there?

from dragprincess :

DO NOT PAY HER FINES!!!!!

from noaddedme :

you should pay??? Hell no! You've paid enough already! Between your emotional status dealing with it, time off, and bail, you've done MORE than your share! You are there for her physically. That's what partners are for, not for the money they can provide!

from jenne1017 :

But she can get in trouble NOW -- they are going to drug test her regardless...

from jenniam :

Doesn't she realize she'll get drug tested??? That enfuriates me!!! Anyway, sometimes 3 day weekends are worse because you actually get used to the time off! But, the bright side is that we only have to work for 4 days before the weekend.

from pstlyfdiva :

hi! i am a lurker -- coming out of my lurking cave. i have been reading you for probably about 6 months...i found you from jenn's page. i can empathize with everything you are going through with eagle, both as a former substance abuser and in a relationship with one too. good luck! maybe i won't lurk so much now...

from pebbies :

ok ok ok...I'll quit lurking just for a second to leave you a note :)I've been reading your diary for quite a bit now...I'm shy so that's all I have for now :) Perhaps I'll have more to say next d-lurking week ;) P.S. I love my Sims too!

from jenne1017 :

Happy De-Lurking Week ;) Pass on the love!

from soccernut :

I know it may seem like there's nothing you can do, but there is. You have control over your life and yourself, and over yourself only. You can say no to E.'s behaviour and start over. You have control over that. You don't however, have control over what she will do, ie AA meetings, etc. That is up to her to decide and her only. Anyway, Happy New Year. May you be strong to be whoever you what to be and to do whatever you want to do. Love, B~

from noaddedme :

She must not really feel the need to do the work to change. Sad to say, but this will be your forever if she doesn't make the choices SHE needs to make.

from sandandfog :

Merry Christmas to you and Eagle!

from soccernut :

Well... I did go to law school (although I don't practice), so you are more than welcome to-mail me with any questions. Take care. B~

from soccernut :

So try and do a little bit of research urself. Find out who the judge is and what his peeves are. Reseach similar cases. Ask the clerk if you need to bring letters, stuff like that. Does she have an official history of drinking and driving (tickets, etc.)? If she doesn't, bring her DMV records. Make sure she dresses well, i.e. in a suit, make-up on, etc. Good luck.

from soccernut :

What was the previous court date? What did the judge say? Can you guys afford an atty? B~

from soccernut :

What a horrible experience. I hope Eagle takes something from this and learns whichever lesson she was meant to learn here. Sorry that you had such a horrific day.

from dragprincess :

Now. Going to court sucked. Eagle was submitted to a strip and cavity search. This wasted your whole, her whole day, and $500. And until she gives up the ephedra, the pot, this will be her life -- and yours. And it's not even the drugs. Eagle -- like me -- is an addict, who has addict behavior, even without the drugs. How much further does she have to go until she really hits bottom? We addicts only wind up in three places at the end -- jails, institutions, and death. Eagle's already done one of the three. This pattern will keep repeating itself -- maybe not now, maybe not next month -- but it will come again and again until she gets help in some way and really gives it her all.

from dragprincess :

honey, i'm sorry, you told me before but i can't remember -- how do i do the entries where some stuff is private and you need a password???

from iambucket :

good to see the update, sorry to hear things are crazy. Oh, and I'll remember not to whine to you when I'm feeling shitty, lol!

from jenniam :

hope you are ok out there!

from iambucket :

Hey sweetie. Glad to hear you fared thru the holidays! I"m finally back posting again...lol...I think. Things are rough and up and down, but well, I'm here. Portland is actually expecting and planning for snow if you can believe it. Weird! Like 6 inches they think!

from soccernut :

Your da best!! Thanks!! xo B~

from noaddedme :

I thought I had your password, but I don't have it saved :( Could I get it please? [email protected]

from sandandfog :

Happy Thanksgiving to both of you!

from sandandfog :

Happy Birthday, belatedly!

from elidh :

Happy Birthday Seekingme - sorry it is late. I hope you had a wonderful weekend.

from jenniam :

you get very aggitated with me if I question anything you write. I don't know if you deem me close to you or what so no, I don't comment how I want to or if I do, I am very passive aggressive about it so as not to hurt you.

from dragprincess :

I'm going to share something with you that my sponsor told me yesterday -- it blew my mind. "You can't fall in love with someone's potential." Think about it with regard to Eagle.

from jenniam :

Happy Happy Day!!! Check in to let us know how it went, ok? Hope it was all you deserve and MORE!

from soccernut :

Happy B-day! I hope u have a great one and may this new year in ur life bring u what ur heart desires!!! Bella

from jenniam :

I double DP's comments. Hope you are ok out there!

from dragprincess :

"Please don't leave me...it wouldn't be pretty." Ugh. Total emotional blackmail. And I know because I was a really big emotional blackmailer/manipulator when I was an active addict. The ephedra pills are drugs. Eagle is not clean. Her behavior is not clean. She still needs a lot of help and I worry that it's dragging you really far down.

from sandandfog :

It breaks my heart also to watch/hear sad news, etc about any animals. Can't hardly stand to watch it. Hope things improve with Eagle's attitude towards work and you enjoy the week!

from soccernut :

I'm sending you love and strength. Hugs. Bella. xo

from dragprincess :

It's not that Eagle CAN'T recover -- it's that she WON'T recover. She prefers to stay in the funk because it's familiar. There's no change.

from dragprincess :

I'll say it again -- Eagle may be abstaining from drugs (and those two glasses of alcohol she drank are a relapse), but her behavior is still that of an addict. She will continue to be fired from jobs because she has no tools to control her behavior. You know my suggestion.

from jenniam :

Oh. I thought she wasn't doing pot or ephedra anymore. That's why I was wondering.

from seekingme :

Well...$65.00 for gas and smokes, $60.00 for pot, $20.00 on junk, and $50.00 on ephedrine. And yeah it pissed me off, but what good does that do? I know now to keep her debit card and withdrawal the money and put it in my account next time. Sucks, but that's the way it is.

from jenniam :

How did she spend it all? I mean, cigs and a tank of gas is what? $65? How could she do that to you. You've waited for so long to get some additional income...That would aggrivate the hell out of me. HB and I struggle and she and I both know better than to blow money at the beginning of a pay period. If we have it to blow at week two, we do. The only good thing about having seperate checking accounts right now is that she can write me a check and I can write her one back -- thereby not getting overage fees!

from dragprincess :

hurrah! the curse has been broken!

from jenniam :

where is the private entry for today?

from soccernut :

Can you send me your password? Thanks!!! [email protected] Thanks!!! Bella

from jenniam :

need the password (for home computer)

from jenniam :

need the password (for home computer)

from elidh :

I emailed you a note to your hotmail acct. Helen

from dietingjenn :

w.o.w!

from noaddedme :

I need the password! [email protected]

from elidh :

everything ok?

from jenniam :

hello? lo...lo...lo...lo...lo...??????

from elidh :

can i get your password seekingme? I am on the edge of my seat wondering just what could be in there! email it to [email protected] elidh

from jenniam :

no, the most recent one

from jenniam :

you ok out there?

from iambucket :

Sorry about hte tumble! Guess that means sex is out too...bummer!

from iambucket :

Your can always grow back sweetie! And hey, not only is October already here...but I heard from my folks in MN that snow is already expected this week in Duluth!! Man am I glad to be where I am so I can at least enjoy Fall a bit longer!!! Git out your snowsuit and whipe the dust bunnies off...oh yea....you're in MN so you probably don't have dustbunnies on it as you only packed it away a few months ago, lmao!!

from iambucket :

Olive Garden...YUM! Love those perppercini's in that never ending salad! And hey, steer clear of those advance places...they always charge more than you think they will. Pain in the arse!

from jenniam :

Don't cry over it. The payday advance thing -- don't they charge you an arm and a leg?

from jenniam :

I get paid tomorrow. Want to borrow it from me?

from iambucket :

Yo mams! You've given me the password before, but i was in MN and don't have it anymore. Care to give it again?? And hey, all them statistics from Jenn...(and no offense Jenn) but please...don't put a lot of weight into it all. I would bet there are a lot of 'holes' in those studies. Don't let them influence ya too much, it's hogwash. jmho

from jenniam :

PS- since you didn't reply TO me in your comments, I didn't see your reply until now. I have many of the statistics you need -- yay for working with the homos. Just a piece: Gay Relationships a) 40-60% of gay men, and 45-80% of lesbians are in a steady relationship b) Studies of older homosexual people show that gay relationships lasting over 20 years are not uncommon c) In a large sample of couples followed for 18 months the following "break up" statistics were observed: lesbians=22%, gay=16%, cohabiting heterosexuals=27%, married heterosexuals=4% In a study of sexual behavior in homosexuals and heterosexuals, the researchers found that of gay and bisexual men, 24% had one male partner in their lifetime, 45% had 2-4 male partners, 13% had 5-9 male partners, and 18% had 10 or more sexual partners, which produces a mean of less than 6 partners. In a parallel study, a random sample of primarily straight men (n=3111 males who had had vaginal intercourse; of the total sample of n=3224 males, only 2.3% had indicated having had sex with both men and women), the mean number of sexual partners was 7.3, with 28.2% having 1-3 partners, and 23.3% having greater than 19 partners (Billy). This data indicates that gay men may have fewer number of sexual partners than heterosexuals.

from jenniam :

That's good. Only the Salvation Army, in general, are HORRIBLE to gay people. They even have a policy to FIRE gays. Tell Eagle to be careful and in the meantime, celebrate!

from seekingme :

I only know what I have seen in my life. I've spent a lot more time in the hetero world then the gay world, and my observance has been that gays break up more often, and with less provocation. Not to say that I haven't met gay couples who've been together for a long time, but more often I see the opposite. But again, that's just my experience, I don't claim to know the true statistics.

from jenne1017 :

I think that's a stereotype that you are feeding into. I don't think heteros walk away any more or less.

from seekingme :

In all fairness, I guess I should define my statement of "if she goes back to using." What that means is if her using becomes such that it harms me physically, mentally, or emtionally. It would be unrealistic of me to say "the next time she uses I'm gone." She's an addict and the full weight of that has only begun to dawn on me. But to think that she will NEVER use again, just like that, is unrealistic. BUT if she went back to active using every day, that would be a reason for me to leave....does that make more sense now? Regardless, the world is made up of all different kinds of people with different ideas of toleration, patience, etc....what one person would put up with, other may not....right?

from seekingme :

Come on...we don't get the lesbian u-haul joke for nothing. I think that the gay community is a lot quicker to walk away from rough times, then the straight community. Just my opinion, but that's what I've witnessed.

from jenniam :

Well, I just know what I read. You've said that if she goes back to using, you were walking away. You are still there. I guess I took it seriously this time. Oh well. As far as your comments about the lesbian community and such, I will not dignify it with a response. For all you've been through, no one would blame you for walking away. Gay OR Straight.

from roebean :

You said: If gays and lesbians want to be taken seriously in the committments to each other, don't we have to honor our commitments just as if we were "legally" married? I don't know, just me I guess..... I Comment: how come we have to prove our devotion to our gay/lesbian partners but straights don't? We shouldn't have to prove that we'd lessen the divorce rate if we were allowed to marry. Honoring our commitments is human nature - not a gay/lesbian one, you shouldn't mix the two...

from jenniam :

wow. I've not commented on purpose. Because you might be hurt by my words. But I keep reading back through your entries. And then forward again. About a month before the accident until now. And it just floors me that you are still with her honey. I hurt for you...

from iambucket :

LMAO @the poop boss. Asshole. I've worked for many with this mentality and small penis....what an idiot. Just kill him with kindness....and say things in syrupy sweet ways like "Oh I am really sorry Poopman that due to your busy and high demanding position that you were forgetful of this small task that took me away from my desk. I can understand that such a small detail would escape someone of such high position and importance such as yourself." Shit lke that gets them every time!

from missdove :

Congrats on the job and your first day of training. :) Oh and I've been watching Rockstar too, and Jordis I think just lost her confidence. When she messed up singing Dream On, from that moment on I don't think she sang the same. That girl really can sing though, it's such a shame. I don't think INXS really wants a female singer anyhow, I really don't, but that is just my opinion. You watch Suzie will be the next to go. I happen to think they are leaning towards JD.

from elidh :

thanks for the advice. I hope your first day of "real" training goes well today. You deserve it.

from elidh :

Hi Seekingme, I started on a vitamin called Usana, the essentials. I have found it amazing. It is pricey, but worth it. You can do some research on it. It is founded by a immunologist and microbiologist, Dr Myron Wentz. http://www.usana.com/en/company/management/dr_wentz.shtml Perhaps these will be as good for you and Eagle as they have been for me and my family. Best wishes. Elidh

from dragprincess :

Whoa. I bottomed out on the exact same stuff that Eagle did, including overdosing on Risperdal. I put down the coke, E, and ketamine and picked up everything else. I so get it. I'm still here if she needs to email/talk....

from jenniam :

I remember that you are in TX now but I didn't realize that you wouldn't have access to update. Ok, hope all is going well!

from jenniam :

are you ok out there?

from dragprincess :

if eagle wants to talk to someone who has kicked drugs and also learned that life is better on the other side, she can email me at [email protected]. i had EXACTLY the same reservations as eagle and you know what? i have more fun and laugh harder than i ever have in my life, now that i'm clean. it's such a hard process but oh god, so rewarding and life-changing.

from missdove :

I'm sorry about Eagle, and I HOPE that in treatment she'll have a real break through. Hang in there!

from jenniam :

I don't know how this wasn't the last straw for you. ASKING FOR POT? How long is treatment? I hope that, with some time alone, you can sort through things..

from dragprincess :

this may be the bottom that Eagle needed. i'm hoping that she a)gets to the detox and realizes this is part of the wreckage of using (pun kind of intended) and b) that she's going to have to make massive amends to you. when you get back from vacation, if you're still determined to stay with her, i strongly suggest you get yourself to al-anon. this is serious and this is for real.

from jenniam :

worse has just hit. HUGS to you, ok?

from dragprincess :

i shudder, i really do, when i read about Eagle's behavior, because i so recognize the craziness. all part of the addict behavior. we're pretty feral, you know? no social graces. and i mean this in a very loving and caring way, seekingme -- you are enabling her and it's harming you. she needs help. professional help. things will not get better. they will get worse. and i hate to see you caught in this vicious cycle.

from iambucket :

Yo snuckles! Now, are you giving me a dose of my own medicine there darlin??? YOU haven't responded to my email in DAYS!!! Unlike you my sweet! And for the record....I am SO very proud of you for your smoking cessation!!! It is VERY true that it is harder than heroin to kick....harder in some ways to kick too as it doesn't have the 'immediate' consequences that drugs and alcohol can have, so it can be at times more justifiable in our sick little minds, lol, thereby making it harder to quit. I've been struggling with quitting...you are definitely having a better experience than I am....so keep sharing about it as I am drawing strength from you! (I hit 2 months on the 3rd! it is still so damn hard tho!)

from missdove :

Reading your diary I truly believe in your love for Eagle, which is why I read it...anyhow...I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Hang in there, hopefully she will realize that she has the best reason in the world to fight her addictions, to want to truly change--LOVE. Just remember though that no matter how much we love someone, no matter how much we want to help them, there is only so much we can do, they have to be willing to take those steps, forced change never works.

from seekingme :

I completely agree. I was wrong, and I apologized to her for that.

from jenniam :

nothing ever, EVER gives you the right to put your hands on someone when you are not defending yourself because they physically hurt you. NOTHING.

from thekirks :

I wish my hubby could just up and quit smoking like you did. I've begged him and he says he can't, but frankly, we both know that he enjoys it too much:( Hope things improve with you and Eagle.

from jenne1017 :

I totally agree. That's hiding behind addiction. And it's not fair to you. And you need to do something about that. Does Eagle read the diary? Usually self-sabotage is what I do when things are going well. With dieting. I am addicted to food. I am. But I am scared that if I lose the rest of the weight, I still won't like who I am and neither will others. Now, I hide behind the fat. Maybe Eagle feels the same way? I am not one to support her in any way (you know how I feel about her and you...) but maybe understanding her better? Getting her to understand herself? I hate to see you digging this hole for yourself and I worry.

from dragprincess :

you knew i'd have to put my 2 cents in on this one....addiction is completely unfair to everyone. absolutely. but it's NOT an excuse for bad behavior. it's a disease. a compulsion. that's so great that you're doing so well with not smoking -- but you're not an addict like Eagle is. drugs and alcohol are just symptoms of the disease. it's a way to get outside of ourselves. i've been clean from drugs/alcohol for nearly a year now, but i've picked up other ways to act out -- shopping, stealing, binge eating -- because i am an addict. you know my suggestions on this. go to al-anon meetings and get support from those who also have loved ones who are addicts. help yourself, because until Eagle hits bottom (if ever), she won't do it. addicts have no power over themselves to stop. that's the first step. we admit we are powerless over our addiction. that's when we turn to others and a higher power and ask for help. because we are caught in the grips of a terrible and powerful disease.

from jenniam :

I am so very, very proud of you with the not smoking!!!! It's hard. Which reminds me that my 37 month anniversary is tomorrow :) YOU ROCK!

from missdove :

Well it's your money, and it sounds like you pay for the majority of everything else, so if paying for the insurrance was something you were willing and wanted to do that should be your business. Well that's just what I think. I don't think it's worth fighting over though, and it's good that it sounds like the issue was settled. :)

from missdove :

I'm sorry to hear about Eagle's emphysema, both of my remaining grandparents have lung cancer, were life long smokers. It's been an upsetting ordeal seeing them go through that, I look at my parents and think, is that their fate too, again life long smokers. I worry my mom has emphysema, she won't listen and get checked. I'm glad to read that things are going well though the last few days. :) I'll say a prayer for you guys, does that sound silly?

from missdove :

I was glancing through diaries and came upon yours. I like your image and btw love that song! I'm sorry to read about your dad, he should be ashamed of himself, small minded people drive me up the wall...ugh. I'm 27 and discovered a few years back I was Bi, a lot of people in my life still don't know it because they are soooo homophobic, and it hurts feeling like I'm keeping something so important to me a secret. My parents would react just as your father did, would go all preachy and probably disown me. So I understand how much such a rejection can hurt, though I haven't gathered the gutts to put myself out there in their eyes yet, in-fact I sort of have a girlfriend right now, right under their nose. Oh well, one day I'll tell them, I told myself that I would if her and I end up together together like you and Eagle. Sorry I'm rambling away at you, anyhow, hang in there and try not to let it hurt too much, it's all on him, not you. :)

from thekirks :

Great job on the letter. I can't say if it will work or not, but I hope it does.

from jenniam :

are you alive? are you ok?

from noaddedme :

Check your gas cap. I have an '04 alero and the service light went on. I called & they said check the cap to make sure it's on. It wasn't. It took about 7-10 days for the light to go off, but it did.

from janine30 :

Hi Seeking. Ive been reading your journal for quite some time now and was sad to see you locked it. its funny how you read a journal and feel like you know somebody. i was happy to see you unlocked it. would it be ok to have that password in case you lock it again? i would really appreciate it. believe it or not im sorta living in the same situation and your journal has helped me to realize....i'm not alone. thanks, jeannine [email protected]

from soccernut :

Congratulations on your promotion and I hope you have a wonderful vacation!!!! Can't wait to hear all about it!! If you want, e-mail me a password @ [email protected] Bella

from noaddedme :

oh no! Locked! If you're willing, I'd really like the password. [email protected]

from thekirks :

CONGRATULATIONS!!! So happy for you!

from elidh :

Hi Seekingme, I have been reading your diary from Canada. I am not very communicative, I have been tempted on so many occassions to send you a positive message from the great white north. It seems I need your password. Could you send it to me? you can leave a message at [email protected]

from thekirks :

Can i get your passwords pretty please? [email protected]

from dragprincess :

1. Let go of the worry. You've done your best and what happens now is supposed to happen. 2. When you're ready -- let go of Eagle. Even if it's only temporary. Why punish yourself because you're afraid of her reaction? Like I said, I *was* Eagle in my old relationships and it took a cold hard smack of reality to make me change. And today, I'm grateful.

from jenniam :

crossing fingers!!!

from dragprincess :

Keep it in the here and now -- you're going to be fantastic in that interview. And when that's resolved, you can look at making a totally new (and free!) life for yourself.

from jenniam :

LUCK LUCK LUCK!!!! (that's all there is in the world kid!)

from thekirks :

Good luck with your interview!

from iambucket :

good luck 2 u my friend....may the cyber energy of support and good wishes be with u!

from iambucket :

Ahh, an a perfect reason for Eagle to try and justify going and getting high again! Marvy. And ditto on the comment below, lol. Got your umbrella with ya?

from jenniam :

I read today's entry and thought: "self" unintentional "sabotage." Maybe the call and Eagle getting mad is that "more of a reason" you are looking for??? Just a hunch. HUGS

from iambucket :

Yeah, right! You get your desk sparkly clean prior to a vacation and you are my new hero! lol

from iambucket :

Perhaps it's just those that you choose hon. it's not you, trust me.

from iambucket :

Sounds to me if you leave, her family will be disappointed by HER, not you hon. At least that's what it sounded like the way you wrote it. And, that's how it should be anyway. You're in a relationship with her, not her family. (Yes, I did get your emails hon...sorry I haven't responded yet. I will tho!!)

from iambucket :

Good luck with the job K. And as for the "In love" feelings subsiding....that happens in relationships babe. That intensity comes and goes. It's lot's of times still there, only in times of struggles it seems as if it's gone. It isn't always paradise and that happily ever after feeling. However, you do have some other factors within this rrelationship to consider as well that may be contributing to that.

from thekirks :

I've been reading for awhile now and I wish you the best. It's hard to stay in a relationship like that. I hope everything turns out well for you and you can be free like you wish.

from dragprincess :

you're stuck because you're *choosing* to be stuck. you can go. why continue torturing both of you? give yourself the gift of freedom and clarity -- and take it from there. being co-dependent is exhausting and draining. you don't deserve that. eagle is not your cross to bear. and i'm saying this in a loving and caring way because i've been in eagle's position and it was a nightmare. the best thing that ever happened to me was being forced to face what i had done and what i was doing. it was how i got into recovery and how i learned to be a different person.

from iambucket :

Hey Sweetie- I'm finally online again! Read your entries and got up to date, and by the looks of the comments you are receiving you are getting a lot of loving and caring advice/suggestions. You have to do what you have to do for yourself, yes, true enough. I'm glad you got a glimpse of that. Keep yourself as your number one priority. As for the love changing or missing in the relationship, that happens and it doesn't always mean it's gone forever. However, you really need to look at WHY it is you are staying. REALLY hon, WHY are you? I'm sensing some of it may be the security of not being alone ultimately?? Let me just say, that being alone CAN be a VERY good thing, and of course less dramatic, lol! Like I said, just something I've sensed in your entries. You know I'm here for ya whichever way you go with this, but be careful hon. You may end up losing more of yourself than you realize. ((((K))))) We all care about ya hon. Bucket

from dragprincess :

i used to threaten suicide when my ex wanted to leave -- because addicts are manipulative. you CANNOT stay because you're afraid of that. you say again and again that you need to be alone. give yourself that gift.

from soccernut :

OK, so maybe now you are not ready to leave and move into a new place and live your own life, but have you thought about doing something just for yourself, after you are done with work? Like taking a photography class, painting, a language class, going to the gym, etc. so that you can feel that you are doing something and getting some of your individuality back? Would Eagle be OK with that? Just a thought! :) Bella

from smartepants :

I just wanted to say that I think sometimes in life its good to take care of others, but it #1 priority should be yourself and it seems Eagle has caused you to change your priorities quite a bit. A very VERY unhealthy aspect of someone's well being is when they threaten to kill themselves if you leave them. Its the most manipulative way of keeping someone stuck in a relationship forever. DONT let yourself be that person...you are *not* abandoning her and you should not feel guilty for doing what you have to do FOR YOU. I think enoughs enough and its time you put your foot down once and for all. As long as you are with her, she has no reason to straighten up.

from soccernut :

The new job opening sounds promising... It's great that your boss actually approached you and told you about it! Must have made you feel good and valued. ~ Good luck! :o) Bella PS: I hope Eagle remains lucid about her situation/addiction... Good luck there too. B~

from dragprincess :

well...what would happen if you left Eagle? when my ex left me, it pushed me further into a pit of craziness and using -- but i finally got the help i needed a year later. if we had stayed together, i'd still be using and still stuck. i never would have gotten better and been where i am now, which is pretty amazing. so you stay with Eagle, she stays an addict and you stay sad? hmmm.

from dragprincess :

aren't you totally exhausted by all of this energy spent on another person? someone who isn't willing to work on themselves? i do believe that eagle can get the help she needs and change. i'm proof that this happens. but it needs to come from within and that's not happening. when does *seekingme* get to do what she needs to do in order to be sane and happy?

from soccernut :

Hang in there ~ Hope you are doing OK. Have a nice LONG weekend! Bella

from dragprincess :

you got it right -- you don't deserve to be the recipient of someone else's shit. eagle needs help, help that you can't give her. co-dependency won't fix her. i know you love her, but what about you? where are your needs in this? eagle needs to make her own decision to get well. it's what all of us who are in recovery, no matter what kind, have had to do. there has to come a time where it stops being all about eagle and becomes about you.

from iambucket :

sweetie, you know my thoughts on all of this as I have shared them with you in email. Just wanted you to know that I am still reading your page-despite my not always leaving notes-and keeping up with you! *s* And, hey, ya can always come along sweetie, if you're really ready to love yourself without the safety net of Eagle's relationship. I'm glad you are finally seeing that you are tired of this game the two of you have been playing....it's time to take your piece of off of the monopoly board!!! xxxoooo

from dragprincess :

i'm applauding your decision and resolve. this is about YOU. Eagle has to want to change and do the work and if she doesn't, and you get lost in her mess, then you lose yourself. nobody wins.

from invisibledon :

hey

from jenniam :

you out there?

from dragprincess :

as a recovering addict, i can't tell you how much i identify -- not with you, but with Eagle. i know those withdrawls and that crazy behavior, because up until seven months ago, that's EXACTLY how i used to act. i also know that it wasn't until i surrendered and said, "ok, i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired," that my life started to turn around. now, i can't tell you (or Eagle) what to do -- i can only tell you that i used to think "i'm depressed, so i use drugs." i didn't get better until i switched my thinking around and realized -- "using drugs makes me depressed."

from iambucket :

Good to catch up, as I was out of town this weekend too. Sounds like a good trip-glad ya were able to get out of the mainstream for a bit! I had the same experience with an ex using drugs. Newer relationship mind you, and I didn't know about it from the get-go. I couldn't hang, as crystal meth creates someone else being with me. So does pot for that matter, and cutting back really isn't in the cards for most. It's all or nothing. Dangit anyway girl, you don't deserve this crap! You've every right to vent as you did, but too, sometimes we have to look at whats in front of us and find the strength to face it honestly for what it really is. Just remember you are most important, and you're a wonderful woman-single, in a relationship, alone whatever, and you'll be ok. Just don't sacrifice yourself so much hon, and remember YOU.

from jenne1017 :

you ok out there? no update this am...

from iambucket :

Hey sweet seeker! Wanted to say thanks again for the other day, and good for you for walking thru it! As to making a self help book...lol, I'm sorry but it tickled me! However, thank you for your kind comments in that regard. Have a good weekend sweetie, and keep remembering that in all things- YOU are the priority. Keep listening to yourself hon. I'm off to Iowa....yahoo!

from cactustree :

that entry made me mad. really really mad. i've been in that position with a partner and it SUCKS and i will never ever allow someone to say, "well, if you weighed less/worked out more, you'd get sex in return." now, i can't tell you what to do, but i do suggest that you examine those terms being placed on you and see if you truly feel comfortable with them.

from jenne1017 :

No, it's NOT selfish of you. I know you feel that way now, but it's not, ok? And it's only a $99 table and chairs that I made $25 on -- she's had to get rid of a lot more (or rather, keep it at her ex's for lack of room). The least I could do was accomodate her there. Plus, I was going to buy a new couch anyway with the first few paychecks from the new job---now I don't have to but am still planning to save some dough, "in case". I may be in love, but I won't be that dumb again! :) Happy week, ok?

from iambucket :

oh btw...you best get your fanny down her and just SEE if you can keep yourself away from my cookies!

from iambucket :

Hey- you stood up for yourself and made Eagle face her rudeness to you...GOOD 4 U! No need to justify or explain hon- you can love someone and still stand up for yourself...it shows you are loving yourself as well. I'm proud of you!

from cactustree :

sometimes when we have an "i should..." it indicates a reservation. think about it -- what reservations are you having about letting MyExLove totally go?

from cactustree :

re: myexlove -- you don't have to do anything that makes you angry and uncomfortable. and you have someone new, so what role does myexlove still play in your life? my suggestion is, if myexlove makes you angry and makes you take the focus from yourself and your new relationship by stirring up angry emotions, to remove her from your life so your feelings can stay safe and protected.

from iambucket :

Damn Seeking. As a buddy to you I've always been open and upfront w/you, as I'd hope you to reciprocate. Honey, LOOK at what's in front of you~not what's behind you a year ago. Eagle is playing with you and you are letting her. I'm sorry, but the crap about peeing?? Umm gee, if you're sittin' there it would seem YOU had to also. And the debit card crap, I mean really-you had every RIGHT to snap and tell her you 'got it'. And then for her to put the focus on you being cranky and ruining her day?! Errgh! Passive-aggressive, manipulative, controlling and, well I'll stop there. You deserve better than this Seeking. It's obvious why you don't feel like you two get anything resolved when you talk-you let her put it on you, and she knows you will. You're going to lose that shine of yours hon. You CAN take back your power and your spirit seeking, and I hope you do it soon!

from jenne1017 :

Seeking shouldn't have apologized. Seeking and Eagle shouldn't really be together as it seems like Seeking is settling again.

from cactustree :

Seeking has no need to apologize. I'll leave it at that.

from iambucket :

I LOOK LIKE A STALKER SEEKING SEEKING!!! :-) Hey toots. Did you know that your "comments" link at the bottom of your entries doesn't work?? I wrote a response to your entry today, clicked on it, and then it was lost-telling me yu didn't have that set up or something. Happened a couple times before too. Just a friendly FYI! Glad you 2 had a talk....it'll come easier and easier each time you do. Seeking.....have you thought about the fact that there COULD be other thngs in the relationship that are troubling you...big things maybe, that you don't want to look at possibly?? I know it's common that when there are problems....they tend to com out as a smokescreen/sex problem. Something to consider- cuz it's clear you're not happy hon. Keep sharing sweets- we're all here for ya!

from iambucket :

Oh sweetie. Good for you for being as open as you were with your entry. I can see how that would have been difficult. And yes, it is extremely difficult for you right now, and understandably so. Understandable that you are questioning why things have changed, as well as feeling rejected personally AND being wary of that same rejection. Hang in there hon. Keep loving yourself. And, keep showing your love to Eagle rather than waiting for her tobe the one to make the first move....believe me, that doesn't work. And, ultimately, it does nothing for the two of you. Keep expressing yourself to her and your love for her to her, as it only will strengthen you in the long run, and keep you being the loveable, warm and giving person that you are. "Planned" times for romance can be tough, and I think usually backfire as the expectation is so high, not to mention the pressure. By loving yourself, and continueing to express the love you have for eagle, that "time" will come and feel very natural, not to mention incredible- as it will be coming from and instigated from the love you have for one another and wanting to share in that and express it....rather than forcing it. I do feel for you hon- this is a hard hump to get over, but unfortunately one we all must walk over in each relationship that we are in. Love yourself hon, 1st and foremost- love yourself! ((((((seeking))))))))

from iambucket :

Ok, now I really look like a stalker!!! lol Perhaps I'll enter some more notes in here under different names so it doesn't look so bad??lol My mom brought metaphysics into my life too- so I get that. Perhaps try sharing w/eagle the concept that we travel in "packs" spiritually, and the two of you HAVE been together in past lives, and will be in future ones as well. Too, there's a great song by the Indigo Girls- "Galileo" that points to this topic- ".....and then agian it feels like some sort of inspiration, to let the next life off the hook. And she'll say 'look what I had to overcome from my last life! I think I'll write a book....." There's more to it, but that's a highlight- lnoe of my favorites when things get ruffy in my world. I'll see if I can send ya the rest of the lyrics to your email. (Gee Bucket, can ya write any LONGER notes????) :-)

from iambucket :

Hey again sweetie. First, CONGRATS on taking the pot at poker!!! Oohhh, I'm feelin a need to come up and challenge ya! And for the stuff w/eagle...boy can I relate to SO much of what you wrote- email me sometime if ya wanna talk more about it, My ex and I went thru a lot of that same stuff. Lastly- go to the doctor hon- you're too important to let anything fester and get worse. There may not be anything major, but one never knows. I'll be pullin for ya on this end.- Bucket

from iambucket :

(((((((Seeking)))))))) Sending big hugs and warm thoughts to you hon, sorry things are, as you say, BLAH! I know that feeling-just getting there is a miracle sometimes. (Although I'm not working right now and don't have that to deal with.) Sorry the memory crashed me a bit with remembering exactly who eagle was hon.....my memory is really bad to all sorts of crap goin on in my world. Hope to catch you again soon! Peace- Bucket

from iambucket :

My darling seeking....I'm catching up onyour world and experiences. It's gonna take me awhile, but I am very happy to be back. So great to hear things are going well w/eagle. Fantastic! Did Saturday come to fruition?? (Ok, I ask as I am jealous. What can I say??) lol Hoping to read more soon! Bucket of hugs to you sweet one!

from dogbones :

Hello, there is a new web forum out called dogbones. It lists journals, blogs, designers, reviewers, and other types of journals to make it more convenient for everyone to find. If you want to find out more information then just visit the site. If you would like to join then go to dogbones and click on apply. It would be very appreciated if you would spread the world also. Thank you for your time.

from jenne1017 :

I think it is. It's a pattern.

from seekingme :

You say that is if it's a BAD thing. lol

from jenne1017 :

of course you are...you always "come around" and "feel better about it"

from jenne1017 :

I think you know this but I think you are settling. From the start you've compared Eagle to YourEx and well, I think you are settling. If you'd have made strides in this area I would say you both give equally and you both need to work this out. But she is home all day. No kid to look after (imagine how much worse it would be if that were the case?). Hope I wasn't harsh...

from iambucket :

You found me- your seeking has paid off! Missed ya sweetie, more later. Bucket

from jenne1017 :

SHE wants YOUR SISTER to get a job? Isn't that much like the pot calling the kettle black?

from thekirks :

Good luck with your sister and I hope everything goes well.

from jenne1017 :

you ok? no update yesterday makes me nervous

from thekirks :

I'm so glad you are happy and things are going well:) Have a good weekend.

from cactustree :

it's SO important to like the exercise you do. do you like to dance? take a dance class at the gym. kick the shit out of things? kickboxing is great. with my mediation interests, i find yoga is something i don't dread and it's fantastic exercise.

from cactustree :

that all sounds extremely exhausting. at what point will you take care of *you* and stop taking care of Eagle? this is not meant to sound harsh -- or maybe it is because watching you struggle and compromise so much is difficult. if Eagle is making you doubt yourself and making you think all these negative things about yourself (that you're selfish, withdrawn, etc.), it's time to think about what's really healthy for you...and her.

from jenne1017 :

ok. ok! :)

from jenne1017 :

is the airport far? isn't a cab cheaper? sorry I know the money goes to you but my god :)

from jenne1017 :

$100 for driving to the airport??? are you kidding me?

from thekirks :

good luck to the both of you. i hope it works out!

from cactustree :

as someone who abused both illegal and prescription drugs for years, i can honestly say: until Eagle goes to a treatment center or joins NA or just gets the willingness to admit she has a problem, nothing will change. you sticking by her is admirable, but it's up to her to make the changes. when you're using, you also use others in your life until they have nothing left to give. i'm hoping that Eagle sees the light soon and starts asking for help.

from jenne1017 :

I hope you are enjoying your 9 days off (thus far). Was hoping you might update!!! :(

from dadagirl :

I just found my way here. I hope everything that you ever want for yourself comes true. In sixty years when you look back you are going to see everything as culminating in the moment when everything is ok and you love everything around you. Be happy.

from nimiiwin :

See, now that's what I'm worried about MS. Which is why I'm seeing the doc today. I don't like the not being able to hold on to things. Urgh. Maybe it's nothing much but we'll see.

from purplebanana :

Just found your diary and wanted to say I applaud you. It takes a lot of guts to be true to yourself, and coming out at 33 couldn't have been easy.

from la-the-sage :

Hi. Thanks for listing me! I'll be back soon. (Gosh, sounds like a threat.) ~LA

from nimiiwin :

Thank you! It has to settle down sooner or later, right? :)

from im2qt2kr :

I just know I'm not one of the ones who's gonna be standin' in line for that one! Haaa..I see you're pals with my buddy Ms. Bucket...How cool is she? And thanks for stopping by and dropping me a line.

from iambucket :

hey thanks for the note and checking in. I finally updated, so if you want to see just how sane you really are, stop by! peace- bucket

from nimiiwin :

That's exactly what I needed! :) Thank you.

from starlight42 :

hey, thanks for the note! It's been awhile since I've been by, sorry to hear things are still pretty crazy for you. Stay away from all that negative stuff, you sound like such a great person, you don't need all that! :)

from iambucket :

EEK! 2 messages back to back. Oh bother. Hang in there, and don't let those coupled one's make ya feel any less than the wonderful person you are! Embrace, and FLAUNT your singleness....I do. You'd be amazed at how many are envious of you just for that, lol. Say, I noticed the note regarding problems with your buddy list showing. I'll send ya an email with the fix for that later. Just don't have time right now. Peace.

from iambucket :

Seeking- Fell on your site and was drawn in by your openess and honesty, but most of all intrigue. You have stood up for yourself many times in your life, and I hope you continue to in this recent situation- you do NOT deserve to be treated that way by anyone. Drugs or no drugs, there is no excuse. Unfortunately love can't make a user/addict change, believe me I know. Continue to love yourself and don't lose all tha you have found while "seeking" in the past. From a MN family gal....

from nimiiwin :

Real life is sticky. It's easy for someone not in your situation to say "Leave." But you're there every day and you're the only one who knows all the reasons. Let your heart guide your head and you'll be fine. That's what it sounds like you're doing.

from nimiiwin :

Thanks for the note. I went over to your site and read a few entries. I'll definitely be adding you to my buddy list! Are you in Michigan, too? I'm near Kalamazoo.

from jewely79 :

hi there! jenn told me about you...shes coming to visit my gf and i in a couple of weeks...maybe we could get in contact to arrange a meeting for you guys...leave me a note or drop me an email! =) Julie

from jenne1017 :

I just updated!!! About half an hour ago. ANd have been. LOL. Hmmmmm

from tamana :

hey this is tamana.. i read ur diary.. well most of it.. its nice.. touching stories.. i added you to my list.. hope u dont mind.. bye =)

from no-yes-maybe :

I justr wanted to tell you thank you for the note in my guestbook, I am adding you to my list!

from sexi-lexy :

Hapy Birthday miss, I hope it was a good one. Lexy

from kainsvampire :

Hey, I love your diary. ^_^

from seekingme :

Jenn, that's not a bad idea! I might have to try that! I'm afraid with my luck she's so damn lazy she'll leave them there and we'll end up with ants or cockroaches!

from comment-anon :

It feels good to rant, doesn't it?

from no-yes-maybe :

haha, I just wanted to tell you that I love your diary...and since we have the same layout, when I clicked on random for my rings and got you I thought I got me. I know its not THAT funny, but I was amused and then intrigued to read.

from kandinado :

Hey thanks for your note! On "laugh or cry" issues, I'll choose laugh every time I can.

from broken-bits :

Hey :) just thought I would leave a note to say hi and to say I think you have a wonderful diary and I think it is great that you can write openly about all of your feelings etc etc anyway I have added you to my list of favs :)

from starlight42 :

I'm glad you survived the blackout...what a mess huh?

from missangel18 :

Wow. i just i to say weldone ther r so meany ppl out ther that spend ther hole life doing something thay dont really want to and to see a woman going out in the word and doin wot she wonts to do is a insparation to me and every woman out ther

from asinglegirl :

Keep up being you, you are awesome from what I've read so far.

from jkookz731 :

im so sorry you have to go through this. it must be terribly hard. but the first thing that compelled me to read you, was your strength. you have an unquestionable amount of strength. you may not feel it right now. but i see it. i wish you the best.

from jenne1017 :

I read your entry and it sounded familiar. But that's it. Familiar. Not everything either. I want to say get out, get out now. But then again, who am I to be a hypocrite? Take care of yourself....

from cateldragon :

uve done a lot that would take me years and years of courage to do. i know everyones seeking themselves but you have the guts to actually know wots wrong with you and go about changing it. thats one of the most admirable things in the world and i applaud you for it xx

from cateldragon :

i admire your courage

from extreity :

i, too, have a problem with the meeting new quality people thing... so, if you're successful tonight, i would love to hear about it.

from sanguinity :

Thank you! I admire your strength!! You go girl. And stay strong.

from jenne1017 :

why give it a year? Why do that to yourself and put a timeline on it? I guess whatever makes you feel validated. I hope you find what you are looking for!

from fallensoul44 :

I hope things get better for you and your Love. You two seem to be really good together, just be patient and make sure your feelings are clear, hopefully she'll come around. =)

from squirrelx :

Thank you very much for readin' my diary and leavin' a message. Your kindness is much appreciated. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X P.S: please accept my compliments on your style of writin'. Honesty and passion make for fascinatin' entries.

from fallensoul44 :

You're journal is interesting, I added you to my favorites, hope you're good on that.

from seekingme :

Thank you to all who have given me such great encouragement. It really does help.

from cramatic :

I added you to my favorites list I hope you don't mind

from asinglegirl :

Wow. I found your diary and have been trying to catch up on all the stuff I missed and today's post was very moving. I wish you the best.

from darkfairy13 :

Wonderful diary, you left your husband of 12 years, like divorced him?.......thats rough. *tear*

from bloodyme :

hi! thanks for the nice note. i'm sorry things aren't going so well with your girlfriend. i wish i could say it's just her, but girls aren't always the easiest to figure out and their great at mind games. you just have to do some inner work, and ask yourself "would i put up with this from a guy?" that's usually how i know if a relationship is worth salvaging. it seems like it can be resolved, she just has a hard time expressing her feelings and gives you the guilt shoulder. communication is possible, but it has to be worked on. patterns of behavior are hard to break, i should know. good luck!

from mrs-penguin :

heya. found your diary a few days ago, started reading it, and liked it so have now added you to my faves. jus thought wud leave a quick note to let ya know! toodles. *katie*

from extreity :

i like you

from banefulvenus :

I have to say that your layout is amazing. I clicked on your banner...

from wigmo :

On the entry you wrote about being upset about wanting to make plans with your ex-boyfriend because YourLove wouldn't like it, my opinion is that you should do it. Here is a friend that you said has supported you, and you don't get to see him that often--this would be a good oppurtunity to spend time with him and give YourLove a taste of her own medicine, so to speak. She should realize that if she can talk to ex's in the non-platonic way, you can do it, too (not that you will, just that you have the right to). It will also make her realize how much you mean to her.

from seekingme :

In response to aliop33. Thanks so much for your insight. However, my therapist happens to be a gay woman. And, it wasn't her idea that I was molested, it was mine because my sister was molested by our grandfather and that is what got me thinking that it may have happened to me. That and I exhibit a lot of signs that indicate sexual abuse. But you are absolutely right that I should do what feels right and I'm trying to do just that. It feels right to be with my girlfriend...more right than that many boyfriends and ex-husband that I have had. But again, thank you so much for your input I do appreciate it. :) Congratulations on your wedding. MyLove and I hope to make our union legal someday too. Would love to find out what you did, what kind of ceremony you had, etc.

from aliop33 :

Um, I hate to tell you this, but a lot of the time when a lesbian goes to a therapist (the rape ist) they will tell you that you were molested. Mostly, it's not true. I'm not saying that you were or weren't, but don't just take that and make it true. If you have tried a lot of guys (like my gf) and none of them "satisfied you" or anything, then maybe you are just a lesbian. I know it was hard for me to accept as well as my gf and most of my friends. Just follow your heart and do what makes you feel happy. if it doesn't feel good, don't do it. At least that's my philosophy. But, look at me, what the hell do I know? But, I did marry my wife last summer in Vermont so it's "legal" and we are very much in love. But i did have doubts at first, but who doesn't? It's all good. But therapists...try to find one who has dealt with lesbians in the past. You can go to the Gay yellow pages online and find one. That is if you don't believe what yours it telling you now. Sorry for the intrusion, but I thought you sounded a bit confused about it all, and i'll butt out now. good luck blessed be

from lezbian :

I just wanted to let you know that I read your diary! Check mine out if you'd like :)

from lezbian :

I just wanted to let you know that I read your diary! Check mine out if you'd like :)

from lezbian :

I'm just letting you know that I read your diary! Check mine out if you'd like :)

from jkookz731 :

i found your diary randomly, and wanted to tell you i admire you for doing what you did. so many times i feel like i am not being true to myself, and some day i will get the courage to do it myself. but until then, i gaze fondly on your writing. have a good one. later.

from sp0ngebubble :

An update for all of you people, I've changed my password for the diary. If you care, then leave me a note and ask for the new one.

from sp0ngebubble :

Aww. You're latest entry was so sweet with the whole "falling asleep with your love" and the whole pregnancy thing. That's great :)

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