messages to wordwhore:
(click here to add new message):

from linguafranca :
That monetary motivation will kill the creativity every time. You’ll get your mojo back, though, and be better than ever because you’ll be free of that nonsense.
from howlingwind :
Hooray for water!!
from cocoabean :
yay!!!
from linguafranca :
Oh that sounds horrible, all that cold water all over you and everywhere. I understand completely on the nanny thing. I wouldn’t even know how to begin to fix a pipe like that
from cocoabean :
it is very common, many men have no problems but some do.
from cocoabean :
where in AZ is RFB??
from linguafranca :
Yes and the extra funny thing about it is that we heard all this through J’s mom, because my mom called her and this was her main topic of complaint. About me not even calling her to tell her when I’d told them I would. All within 24 hours. (To her credit, J’s mother doesn’t enjoy this aspect of her personality either. But she mostly wishes I’d just be a good daughter so she doesn’t need to hear about it.)
from cocoabean :
Whoa! Big news!! Glad you enjoyed your trip!
from cocoabean :
Yay!!!!!!
from cocoabean :
My driver's ed in high school made each of us change a tire to pass the class. It was absolutely the best thing. I've changed a lot of tires!
from howlingwind :
I like to torture my husband with that one. >:-/
from howlingwind :
Chori chori hum gori! Ha. You might like that one. Cheesy but fun.
from howlingwind :
Crossing fingers that this Joe fellow is a good guy for you. :-)
from whystinger :
Think he figured he had made a memory bomb? My ex did a few things like that, especially shit she knew I wanted, left her shit there and took mine. I figured "fuck it, let her keep it" so I didn't call or reach out. I knew that was what she was up to... could be he's a lazy d...
from cocoabean :
if its your unit, feel free to toss out the crap you don't want. I would.
from howlingwind :
Sorry about the S hauntings. I'd give you a coaching session but I'm pretty sure that would just make it worse. Womp.
from howlingwind :
I'm glad things are looking up chicadee. :-)
from howlingwind :
I'm sorry about your kitty. :-(
from cocoabean :
So sorry!
from howlingwind :
Oh what a weinerhead! Bah! I want a big rock in my yard - sorta kinda - then I'd have to mow around it. But if I didn't have to mow around it...Mostly my husband mows anyway, but I digress...
from linguafranca :
Only just read this, 12 hours after you posted. I skipped the paragraph. But gosh, yeah, I hope she can go peacefully at home, as soon as she needs to. For both of you. Here’s hoping. Hugs and scritches.
from whystinger :
Cleaning mode is good. I need to find my way back to that and very soon.
from whystinger :
Allegedly coffee cake is a deal-breaker and that is why I have mentioned it. We shall see. For now that may be the safety valve. I feel that I am painting myself into a corner.
from cocoabean :
Theres always the old magazine trick... signing him up for multiple magazines with the loose cards.
from cocoabean :
I did have a hand in choosing that name...
from cocoabean :
hmm so there's dickhead and shithead.. I sense a trend
from cocoabean :
what a jerk!
from musikoid :
Hey Wordy, I just had sleep paralysis for the first time in forever. It was scary and wild, so I woke up and wrote about it in my diary. I emailed you the account, if you have any thoughts or just want to read it. Hope you have been well.
from linguafranca :
That fear makes A LOT of sense to me. Being authentic really is being vulnerable, and that’s not just empty words. It’s fear and a real potential for hurt. And it takes courage.
from howlingwind :
Thanks for the confidante offer. I seem to have gotten over it for the moment. I'm too weird to confide in anyone it seems. They will be disturbed and scared off. Oh well. Such is my weird life.
from howlingwind :
I'm glad things are looking up for you :-)
from whystinger :
Louisville? GA, KY or? When you mentioned meeting someone in GA and Louisville, I thought of GA but know that the bigger Louisville is where you have visited too. I'm in the house cooling down from the heat and catching up on reading.
from wordwhore :
Things are looking up.
from wordwhore :
Manifesting positive energy.
from howlingwind :
Just saying hi. Sorry that seems thing pretty S#$% for you. :-(
from cocoabean :
Edibles are for when you need them, not governed by time of day.
from whystinger :
I wish my "garden tub" was a jacuzzi...
from whystinger :
Received your txt as I was picking up my niece, waited till I got home and then listened to the link, sent a reply to you, then received "text not delivered" message. The cell company shut off my old phone before I activated the new one and now I'm in the middle of changing phones.
from musikoid :
All the best, you as well.
from whystinger :
6/5/22 I caught up on your entries. Had a lot to say and now some of it had evaporated. I'm sorry to hear about your Aunt and I think I knew before, maybe gave condolences before. As for the relationships and all and grieving, grieving is so different and varied for all of us, plus the time it takes is so varied it isn't believable (not the best articulation but had to get out what I want to say). I was always surprised by my seemingly lack of grieving for my failed marriage and divorce. I think I actually grieved the marriage way before we divorced. I should also consider saying my marriage was an educational process for me instead of a failed marriage. I am not happy to hear of the latest about FWB, as I liked how the two of you looked together and had hoped that could possibly go somewhere. By what you are saying about Bumble, I should use it, after all I did download it quite a while ago.
from whystinger :
Re: your May 19, 2022 entry. I am pleased that you are getting that particular visitor. I think that is awesome. More later hopefully.
from cocoabean :
My mom said the same thing on her last day
from cocoabean :
It's the not knowing that sucks.
from howlingwind :
Happy Belated Birthday Chica. Sorry I have been MIA lately. I'm still hoping to make my life more awesome, but not making huge progress, only mental progress really. Optimism is necessary. I do have Google set up to send me a reminder of your bday, but I only signed on to the email account the day after. I...am not that awesome, but I try.
from whystinger :
Yes, my 3/27/22 Entry ended in a weird place... I thought of changing it, but that is where my head was and all of a sudden I was like "I need to end this now..." I also wondered if someone would get Alanis and Alannah twisted up or even if I would.
from whystinger :
Thank you, I am feeling better already.
from whystinger :
Congratulations, that is great news indeed!
from whystinger :
At that cost for this phase of the divorce, I assume this was the recording fee at the courthouse?
from whystinger :
Just saying hello as I should have dropped you a text or twenty by now...
from whystinger :
No, you have never led me wrong on beer or music, but while you didn't like my choice in Bud, I liked it for some reason. Probably the big reason I liked it was that it was common and didn't mess my gut up like Miller and was inexpensive or because it was what friends drank... Ironic you don't like it and it may be causing me the problem...
from musikoid :
I hope you can keep up with your exercise. I always find it lightens a load, for me. Good luck with that, and with everything else.
from whystinger :
Sometimes flying dreams can be cool. I had hoped that you would have heard from S by now.
from cocoabean :
I use my toaster oven at least once a day!
from howlingwind :
Just saying hi :-) I'm not sure what else to say at the moment. You're one of the few people who knows how weird I am. Just saying hi. That's all I've got at the moment. Thanks for reading my diary all these years. I'll write again - but at the moment perhaps not. :-/
from musikoid :
I can identify with the brain warping into sadness that later seems less real than it did at the time. In my case, it's more often high anxiety than sadness. But sometimes it goes to despair. I'm finding that I tell myself a lot of stories -- that is, I creative narratives -- that aren't really quite the exact truth. Something false about them perpetuates them. So these days, I try to focus on what is really true - what is actually happening. Sometimes my emotions and fears distort the view of the truth, but it's still a good thing to try to look at.
from musikoid :
Meant to add, I'm also glad that thing didn't happen.
from musikoid :
Got back from a horrendously long day and am about to collapse. But I want at least to address your first note. I felt kinda bad because I saw you'd written you'd touched on the O thing on Facebook and I spaced out going over to Facebook at that time, I think around the 1st. But I usually read you fairly consistently, though sometimes I have to catch up and read five or more entries at once. I fully identify with not knowing what to say and therefore not saying anything. I like to quote Plato: "The fool speaks when they have to say something. The wise person speaks when they have something to say." But I agree it's a good idea for one to drop a note now and then just to say that one is reading. Might not be an astute comment but at least one knows they're being heard. I don't always do that either. In any case I do believe I'm on the upswing, and it's a new season. Always darkest before the dawn.
from whystinger :
I can't believe how long it has been since you saw your loved one, nor how long there has been silence. That does suck.
from musikoid :
https://musikoid.diaryland.com/220109_38.html I've been too self-preoccupied lately to follow well, though I want to. I think you meant S and I think you meant "haven't" (not "have"). Wonder how cold, it's 22F here. Thanks Wordy hope the season will treat you kindly.
from musikoid :
I'm sorry your plans fell through.
from whystinger :
You are a badass and I value your friendship a huge amount.
from musikoid :
Just read the last five. Your life seems pretty mellow lately, for the most part.
from howlingwind :
Hey chica - the dude from my past turned out to be just as big a dickhead as I always thought he was. I think I will be deleting this account due to how lame everything I have written in it is. Just so you know. I don't think dland makes that very easy?
from cocoabean :
I turn my bed heater on an hour or so before I go to bed. Toasty!! Nice thing about a blanket is you can use it on the couch too. But a warm bed is sooo nice
from cocoabean :
My mom made that kind of fudge. You know how I am about chocolate, but purchased fudge is not something I ever buy. I'm kind of a fudge snob, too. Even some homemade fudge I won't try.
from linguafranca :
You are a writer! A professional writer and a GOOD writer.
from musikoid :
I am overdue for the booster. Thanks for reminding me. Glad you got yours.
from musikoid :
High anxiety must be in the air rn. I empathize.
from musikoid :
By the way, I do not mean to infer that you should go back and read all my entries. Some of them are hella long and scattered, and I don't expect any of my readers to read them all. I do want to say it must be very hard not to have heard from S for eleven weeks now.
from musikoid :
I'm slowly making my way through a number of entries I skipped (due to my own self-preoccupation and imbalance.) I just want to say at this point that I can identify with having a picture in my head of the lousy things my ex-wife must be saying, not to her boyfriend, but to my stepdaughter whom she lives with at this time. I've only been able to chuck concerns about it in fairly recent times, because I've realized the fears I had relate to my own low self-esteem. Despite my self-abnegating nature, I do believe my self-esteem is gradually getting better, and so whatever J & B are saying about me is not relevant. They are not better human beings than I am, and there's no reason for me to allow their opinions of me to define me. I'm glad you're free of O and still feeling the joy of that freedom. Also, I'm sorry about the sleep paralysis. I know how it feels when it makes you afraid you may die for lack of being able to breathe.
from whystinger :
Just dropped in to read a bit and say hello.
from musikoid :
Thanks Wordy. That means something to me.
from musikoid :
Yay! The simple things in life, often the best.
from musikoid :
Glad you had a much better day.
from musikoid :
Sorry you had such a bad day.
from cocoabean :
I'm exactly the same when it comes to cleaning. Either it's a sty or 100% clean.
from musikoid :
Funny I was about to stop by and say something similar. I've been reading but nothing has really stricken me solid to say. I do identify with how on some days (in some spaces) it's not that I don't "want" to do it (though I don't), but it's rather that I *cannot* do it. I think it has something to do with ADHD and maybe the autism spectrum.
from howlingwind :
Yo - I don't know if you responded to my email. I have too many addresses at this point. D'oh. I need to simplify. I guess I will add an entry sooner or later with my latest shenanigans. I'm not quite out of the swamp yet, but am hopeful. Thanks for checking up on me. :-)
from cocoabean :
For sure, it's Maybelline!
from whystinger :
I wish you heard from S, I think that may do you a world of good.
from cocoabean :
Hmm do tell about DHs gift!
from whystinger :
I have been meaning to text you for day now... just tired and busy. Tavares was where we had drinks and nachos at the bar next to the lake, before we went into Orlando.
from cocoabean :
German has some good phrases!
from whystinger :
I knew you weren't comparing abuses... but pointing out that I was in denial. Abuse is abuse and I trivialized my own abuse as I thought that my support group friend had it worse. She told me It doesn't matter the type of abuse or severity, abuse is abuse and it does damage.
from musikoid :
Dark chocolate syrup? I'll try that. I only drink certain brands of coffee too, and I do feel that I'm being somewhat wasteful. (I often run out of coffee long before I plan to.) Thanks-
from musikoid :
Boy I am a coffee "snob" compared to you! I brew a pot of coffee and if I let some of it set for more than three or four hours, I dump the rest out.
from linguafranca :
I have advice about the tailbone if you’re open to it.
from whystinger :
What I have learned is that abuse is abuse, period. No matter whether it is physical, mental, sexual. I got called out by an abused woman in an online support group because I said "I only went through mental abuse. I didn't go through what most of the rest of you went through." She went through mental, physical and sexual abuse by her ex husband and pulled me into a side-chat room and made sure I understood that the mental abuse was just as bad as the rest of the abuse. I learned a bunch from her.
from whystinger :
Ouch! I feel your pain on the sunscreen. I had reactions for a while too. You probably know this, but there are a few good articles out there on which sunscreens to avoid. Look for mineral based sunscreens instead of chemical based. I like some of the zinc oxide and titanium oxide sunscreens even though I am back to using Coppertone Sport at times. I have had good luck with Neutrogena Sheer Zinc and Neutrogena Clear Face sunblocks. I tend to alternate. The Sheer Zinc takes longer to apply but is totally different and it smells much different. Many don't understand the difficulties leaving bad and/or abusive situations. I was someone like that. I was the asshole that would say "If I married a bitch/bastard like that I would leave in a heartbeat." I am convinced that God or the Universe put me in my marriage to learn that lesson and it took me a long time. There are factors, some are like Stockhold syndrome, some are the normalization and we often forget that the abusers tend to also work to suck us back in with a variety of methods.
from whystinger :
I suspect that there are some minor outbreaks of shingles and I remember when Honi had shingles. Her case seemed worse than mine as it was a much bigger rash. It seemed to really hurt her and she mentioned it quite. Either my case isn't as bad (smaller rash) or I have a higher tolerance for pain. Not sure but suspect it is smaller. It STILL SUCKS...
from linguafranca :
Damn. I’m surprised a therapist did you like that, but I suppose I shouldn’t be. I am insulated enough from the world at large that I forget how widespread these beliefs still are.
from musikoid :
I like collabs too, but nobody seems to want to do it with me lately (as in years).
from musikoid :
Thanks Wordy
from musikoid :
https://musikoid.diaryland.com/echo.html
from musikoid :
Me too (though maybe in a different way)
from musikoid :
Don't ever feel like you have to read all my entries. I appreciate your comments, whenever you comment.
from musikoid :
That's great again, about paying off the car. I remember I did that once. It's a great relief not to have car payments.
from musikoid :
No problem. A lot of entries but many of them are smaller. A couple of them are "drunk" but IDK I'm making too many disclaimers. I edit my diary entries as though I were writing a novel of life. I'm weird.
from musikoid :
I just emailed the current password to you in case you don't have it.
from musikoid :
No I haven't changed it. It's still two three syllable words.
from musikoid :
'And hey, fuck that guy, preferably with that truck. Sideways." LOL
from musikoid :
Sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. I always feel guilty when I get mad at the cat. (Which was always Jan's cat or Echo's cat, but that's another story.)
from linguafranca :
Oh that sounds terrible! Ugh.
from musikoid :
I'm glad you heard from S.
from cocoabean :
Hooray for paying off your car!!!!
from whystinger :
I think mofongo is mashed plantain. I have had it a few times in Puerto Rico and a time or two elsewhere. I never really researched how to make it.
from musikoid :
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know what it's like for someone to assume that life for you is just a cruise and that they're the only ones who are suffering. I've been that way myself sometimes - when I was homeless -- but I also know what it's like to be on the other side.
from musikoid :
Oh really? I get stuff from them every day, I never look. Thanks -
from musikoid :
I'm still wondering how you get all these little writing gigs. I might have a church gig (I'm not counting on it) but total abject poverty is getting old (even if I do finally have a roof over my head).
from whystinger :
An interesting few days. Weird dreams of O also...
from musikoid :
I have a similar dynamic when it comes to absorbing audio information. If too much stimuli is emerging from a single source, it interferes with my comprehension. If I'm not looking at someone when they're talking to me, I hear them better.
from cocoabean :
Hope you are explosion free. The mosquitoes are horrible here, too!
from musikoid :
Thanks Wordy. I appreciate that.
from musikoid :
Yes, how you word it is important. You may never get a perfectly rational response, but at least you can get some response that acknowledges what was done to you. Good luck
from musikoid :
I wrote after the "wait until - summer" entry, and just now read the "but I'm more than a need" entry. I would have felt disregarded & disrespected, possibly dehumanized. I'll read the next one now.
from musikoid :
There's anti-vaxxer paranoia in my family too. My ex--wife and stepdaughter won't let my daughter visit them because she's been vaccinated. They believe it will endanger the children.
from whystinger :
I realized I did not give a lot of details, but maybe that is good.
from whystinger :
Being the one that always makes the plans for visiting the friend is a complicated thing. I have a friend that (now) I would always have to be the one to call or the one to make the plans. Well, as I think of it, I have a few like that and the answer is complicated and totally up to you. My friend from long ago is like that. I am always the one who reaches out via phone or for a visit, but he is always the one who remembers my birthday and remembers me at Christmas. I still value his friendship and should call more but don't. Then there is Danny, who I would have to be the one to keep in touch with and all that. He's the one I wrote off. Oddly, his new wife (college sweetheart) is the one who sort of keeps in touch. I haven't seen him in a long, long time and don't remember if I have seen them since they have gotten back together. It is odd isn't it? Also odd that a few years ago I begun to visit friends from way back.
from linguafranca :
Hey, sent you an email
from musikoid :
Is that medical transcription you're doing? I heard it's a good way to make money. I had a shitty day myself, trying to write about it, but too tired.
from whystinger :
Wow, what an entry about the adrenaline rush. When my ex fell asleep, I didn't get an adrenaline rush, but generally a sigh of relief that I could be alone and get things done... I managed to get two of those broken links finally fixed and also added three to other entry as an experiment and all three worked. I think I see where I went wrong. I copied and pasted the code and I have found out that there could be micro-code on the page I copied from that interfered with what I tried to send as a link... Sheesh. I had to advance the text, write in a new hot link, then delete the old. One more to fix
from musikoid :
Thanks. I'm too off-set to have explained it well but I think it was because I went toward "harassment" - like "if you keep emailing me after I request you not, I'll consider it harassment." Her response was like "if you want to scream harassment I'll show all your emails to the cops," as though to show my emails to the cops and them to agree that they were "abusive" would be a retaliatory step she would take if I were to continue to describe her behavior as "harassment." Having been seriously abused in life, I can guarantee you that if I had received emails such as I sent to that therapist yesterday morning, I would not have felt as though I were being "abused." + And anyway that this all happened in about a 15 minute time span yesterday morning when I'd barely had a cup of coffee, and then led to this completely scathingly unnecessary email terminating the contract that I already bowed out on -- IDK maybe I'll copy the email in an entry or two you in an email though it seems slightly unethical. I'm pretty upset. I do wonder if I'm the only problem she's had this week though. Probably not.
from whystinger :
Caffeine and ADHD? Makes sense if I remember way back to college. I remember some friends in the education program and the theory of giving "hyperactive kids a tiny bit of sugar to slow them down" and how it worked, even though later "studies" claimed it didn't work. I also remember taking caffeine speeders (black beauties) and how that seemed to focus me more
from musikoid :
"Basket" might be the right name instead of "carafe" I'm not sure. I think the top of the doohickey at the bottom is supposed to somehow jibe with the bottom of the thingamabob on top, in order to produce a steady drip of caffeinated water (so to speak) but that this process is not happening properly. It's hard to tell whether the problem is with the top of the bottom thingie or the bottom of the top thingie. I've been trying it again this morning, and again nothing's happening. It's hard to tell that anything's even different, except for that when I lift the top off I get scorched if I touch anything internal.
from linguafranca :
That rainbow moon would make a really awesome tattoo, I agree!
from cocoabean :
Print the NASA picture and take it with you....
from whystinger :
Something seems to be adding my diary or a diary address that I cannot see when I hit the Edit button under Edit/delete entries. Same when I hit Inspect element
from whystinger :
https:// and my diary address, then the magazine address. How odd, but how frustrating...
from whystinger :
Do me a favor and look at all three links. I wonder if it is because I upgraded my OS and browser. It also doesn't work with my version of Chrome.
from cocoabean :
Did I pass your test??
from whystinger :
That same code worked in the past, somewhere I read that there is a newer version of HTML, or Andrew had to block links due to copyright infringement troubles, but I am just guessing.
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better soon. I have not been able to fix my HTML issue and the code is correct. Strange.
from cocoabean :
You need edibles to sleep!
from cocoabean :
Pretty wet in the desert these days.....
from musikoid :
I kinda thought so
from musikoid :
The trigger response to being thought naive resembles what they call the "stuck point" in cognitive processing therapy. A set of beliefs gets activated that may or may not be applicable to the situation at hand.
from cocoabean :
I don't drink diet dew anymore. Dew zero is way better! And there is a difference....
from musikoid :
Just read your new entry. Actually, now I do understand. Thanks -
from musikoid :
Actually maybe I don't understand. I think I have the person wrong. I might email you because it's complicated for a note.
from musikoid :
Oh I get it! From what little I know of the subject (being as I just learned the word yesterday lol) I would tend to agree with you. It's hard to equate someone's asserting how they would like to be identified with this being a microaggression.
from musikoid :
What was the example with which you disagreed? I'm thinking it must be in the section beginning with "In focus groups," and ending with "is a form of microaggression." But I'm having trouble grasping this, intellectually.
from musikoid :
I wound up reading the whole Wiki on microaggression after reading your entry -- actually was pretty good.
from cocoabean :
I agree!
from cocoabean :
My guess would be it's an oil/gas mix in that can...
from musikoid :
I'd be pissed at DH if I were you - especially their thinking it would be funny about your dog.
from cocoabean :
Or both
from musikoid :
Thanks. I'm praying.
from cocoabean :
So last Christmas i bought a knock off roomba and really don't use it. I would be willing to sell it to you...
from musikoid :
I have so few clothes that the sorting/folding/hanging process is not an issue, being as I usually just leave all the non-hangable clothes strewn about the bed (and sometimes the living room floor) until I get around to either wearing them, hanging them up, or putting them in a dresser drawer (as the case may be). However, I can relate to the same ADHD effect your friend is mentioning. Once, at the Center, Darrell the boss had me fold a number of 8 1/2 by 11 sheets of paper into three, to be placed in a number of envelopes, and then have stamps put on them. There was no way I could perform the task in a logical order. The confusion and clutter got so bad that I actually ran out of the building, ready to scream. I have similar events when gathering my things in the morning, trying to get out the door, as you know. I really hope I can one day find a healthy way to resolve this issue.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I'm reading the chapter called "Words Words Words" from Deborah Cameron's 1994 book "The War of the Words." Fascinating stuff, and I'm finally chill.
from musikoid :
It still hasn't come back. If it does, the local hospital might be a good place to take a badly needed vacation.
from cocoabean :
What's D8?
from musikoid :
Yeah it's being slowly reconstructed, and more so today than yesterday. I have to also confess that when I sent you the earlier note, I had just woke up in a state of despair, mostly over the way that it had quickly seemed to crumple, especially involving a fit of explosion rendered toward the young sound designer. First time one of my rage issues has actually affected another human being here in quite some time, since whenever I got mad at the bass player, almost a year ago. (This is excluding about four or five times I've gotten mad at my daughter, which is on another plane.) So I awoke demoralized and worried. I'm getting myself better, as I usually do, eventually. But when I feel the "despair" it feels so permanent, though it too will pass. Thanks for your note.
from musikoid :
I've been reading your diary but I have been so out of sorts over what happened with the musical workshop and feeling such despair in my life that it's hard for me to find useful words or comments. Not just you, but the person I most follow on WordPress too. It's just a really horrible time in my life right now, and I'm in this state of continual loss of hope.
from musikoid :
I agree that there's nothing wrong with having feelings, no matter how ill-willed they may seem. It only becomes wrongdoing when we act according to ill will.
from howlingwind :
Thanks girlee. :-)
from musikoid :
Just caught up. I'm not sure how hot it is in your part of the world, but the current heat wave up here has a lot of people losing sleep (as well as appetite). The night before last I might have gotten five hours, interrupted fifteen times, tossing and turning. The night before that, probably three. Naturally I slept like a rock last night, but it also wasn't as hot in the room. (Fan on high, windows closed). About your mom, I can understand how the defensive attitude, combined with the unwillingness to admit she might have forgotten something, could get to you. It's weird how family brings these things out, which often frustrates me. My daughter for example sees negative sides of me that no one else sees. And then I sometimes get defensive, but that's because I know she's right.
from cocoabean :
One of my knees is jacked, too. Must be that time of year lol!
from musikoid :
Glad you found the second place!
from musikoid :
That's a good metaphor. Reminds me of something Jesus said. Right on
from musikoid :
I was assuming you had a PTSD diagnosis that you were aware of, but that was just an assumption based on a sense of past trauma and abuse. About the abusers, if they don't respond to God's love by repenting, then He's not really "letting them off the hook" and quite to the contrary, because they are headed for hell. I just think that God knows who are His children - and we ourselves can have some idea, due to the nature of our response. The Jesus parts are definitely the best. You can call me too if you want to, I don't know if you do phone, but have some vague memory of it coming up before. Some of the thoughts triggered are hard to put inside D-Land boxes. I do care about you.
from musikoid :
Maybe we should talk more about this. Your issues that to me seem like my PTSD remind me a lot of mine. "Forgiveness" when seen in this light is little more than a burden -- the exact opposite of what its intent or spirit ought to be. We ought to be unburdened when we forgive, but if I even think of forgiving these people, it increases my burden, my rage -- it pisses me off that I ought to required to forgive them, or that it is even ever suggested. Forgiveness in that context seems out of the question. About the biblical stuff, maybe I'll send you an email. I basically disagree with the Baptist line here or even Thomas Aquinas. I just don't think it's scriptural. God is always the primary agent, the aggressor, the initiator. Scripture says it is the love of God that leads us to repentance -- that inspires us to repent -- and not the other way around. His forgiveness of us is unconditional and has nothing to do with prior action on our part. And even follow-up action is something He knew a priori. But I guess I'm just speaking the Reformed line because it's the way I read the Bible. As far as how that relates to my living of my life, I'm probably in the camp who needs to be forgiven for I do not what I know. It even seems impossible at times. But maybe that's just my own personal cross to bear, we all have our stuff. I'd definitely be a better Bible teacher than actual good practicing Christian.
from musikoid :
Okay. I feel kinda like I said a mouthful and at the same time didn't say what I mean. Forgiveness is complex.
from musikoid :
Okay. I feel kinda like I said a mouthful and at the same time didn't say what I mean. Forgiveness is complex.
from musikoid :
What I mean is, one could conceivably forgive someone by letting go of the hurt, the pain, the "issue" -- putting it in the past. That person is no longer a part of your world -- and for good reason -- but that doesn't mean one can't "let go" (at least in theory) and move forward. I.e., "forgive." I guess the more empathic sorts may have trouble stopping there . . .
from musikoid :
I'm not sure that God requires repentance in order to forgive.
from howlingwind :
7% less? Maybe. Happy post solstice shenanigans and stuffs!
from whystinger :
Right you are about bad juju and some has left me!
from musikoid :
Yes on both. I would do well to bear these things in mind.
from musikoid :
I could be perceiving the situation inaccurately, but I think there's a difference between how I was behaving several years ago and how I'm behaving nowadays, and this is generally proportionate to how often I hear the allusion to the need for psychiatric medication applied to my behavior. That's why I don't think the absurdity of how inappropriate this is extends beyond my friend Alex. Equally the onus is on me to deal with it internally. If you said something about me with respect to meds at some point in the past, it was probably pretty applicable. What Alex is doing is not applicable, just inattentive. And disrespectful, being as I've asked him a number of times to cool it.
from musikoid :
Yes, hooray -
from whystinger :
Congrats on what you texted me about today! I am excited for you.
from musikoid :
Oh okay. I didn't know if it had something to do with CBD & that kinda thing, or if there was alcohol in them.
from musikoid :
Hope your mom's okay.
from musikoid :
I didn't see your note before writing my post-meeting entry. I've never thought of humming before. I'll try that (if I can remember) next time the sleep paralysis strikes. The meeting went great. I've got about ten pages of notes that ought to be used for something, somehow somewhere. Anyway I gotta change hats and go see a local show.
from musikoid :
Yes I think so too.
from musikoid :
It went well. She's going to start me on Cognitive Processing Therapy, which she uses for patients with PTSD. I like this therapist, she gets right down to it.
from musikoid :
Yes. It can really be draining. I suspect that we introverted sorts feel that more acutely than the more extroverted among us.
from musikoid :
It's gross how quickly some people move to name calling and character assassination as a result of what was intended to be an innocuous joking comment. Same thing happened with my friend D recently. She stated her reasons for not supporting a certain political movement and was hounded about being a b---- and another loaded word that starts with an r, and it catalyzed her deletion of her Facebook. I ever often delete comments immediately after posting them these days, when I suddenly realize what the repercussions might be and how totally I am not down to deal with them if I don't have to.
from musikoid :
Your writing did not seem like your voice. It was different -- more choppy or something, and with an air of disregard.
from howlingwind :
Yay!! New roof!
from musikoid :
Cool! I just got it.
from musikoid :
I relate, I think. The amount of energy I spend ruminating over the hypothetical can be a real drain. Hope you got a good bite to eat.
from musikoid :
I saw your note about the email before I noticed your note about running out of gas 1000 miles a way from home. It will be interesting to note the parallels once I do hear the story.
from musikoid :
Okay.
from musikoid :
I said a little prayer in my head and suddenly realized I had more change in my pockets than I'd thought. Yes we concur about the value of re-examination.
from musikoid :
If my PTSD is triggered significantly like yours seems to have been in this case, I always take another look at things a few days later. Like with N, I believe we have mutually decided not to pursue a counselor-counselee relationship, and this will help me to let go of the fact that I got hurt and probably hurt someone whom I care about in the process (though he didn't specifically say so). The photo definitely presents an appealing look to someone unfamiliar with what you went through in high school. So I can see how some comments would have been triggering. In any case, I think it's good to review the dynamics once the initial strong triggers have past.
from cocoabean :
I love how people who didn't treat me like a friend then wanted to be friends on FB. No thanks.
from whystinger :
I am sorry that your picture brought back bad memories and that you were given shit over the hair style. I thought it was a great picture, wish I would have posted that on the picture. I also was picked on by more than a few kids as I was one of the tall boys and the called us "strokes" and picked on us.
from whystinger :
Yes, BIL was excited about working on the vehicle. He likes autos naturally but loves learning those skills.
from musikoid :
Yes. I really do feel tremendously unburdened.
from musikoid :
I did see the picture now and related words. I'm glad you're feeling better.
from musikoid :
I just caught up (I think). Congrats on the book sales! I didn't see the high school picture on your Facebook, I don't think. I'm sorry if it triggered such bad memories.
from musikoid :
Yes!
from cocoabean :
Some days I have to make myself do something productive. Otherwise I would play games all day!
from musikoid :
Coffee helps me to focus. In the morning I can't focus without it.
from musikoid :
Takes one to know one. ;)
from musikoid :
It isn't crap. You're too good of a writer.
from musikoid :
Run was faster and more effortless than previous. I'll have to pace myself from here.
from musikoid :
Specifically, yes the side effects outweigh the benefits, in this case, and at this time. Whether I'll think so two or three months from now remains to be seen.
from musikoid :
You wrote: "I used to think anyone who sounded confident knew what they were talking about and I must be wrong." That's been my M.O. exactly. It's been taking years for me to learn that confidence and competence are not synonymous. Dunning Kruger Effect affects all kinds. I really appreciated your note, the rest of what you said.
from musikoid :
Hi, I just caught up with your entries since Mother's Day. I want to comment that my mother was one who very fully embraced a mother identity, and she never did lighten the level on which she would take care of us (or try to) long past the point where we'd have preferred our independence to be honored. But she was a very good person, who made enormous sacrifices for all her children.
from howlingwind :
Yes, not good to deify anyone. Turns out even Gandhi was an a-hole, if you ask his son anyway.
from cocoabean :
you were right, not offended. People who live for their children grow up to live for their grandchildren, which usually pisses off the in-law...
from musikoid :
I don't know many people who have written and published three books in a year. That's pretty impressive.
from musikoid :
Interesting that she would insist you attend the very kind of event that she herself complained about having to attend.
from howlingwind :
"Hell is other people" am I wrong? Where did that quote come from? Anyhoo - sorry people are disappointing you and emotional manipulation sucks a stinky turd. It's a quote from John-Paul Sartre about some existentialist blah blah blah. I choose to interpret it however I want.
from musikoid :
I'm still reading (just now reading the last three entries) but I wanted to stop and quote you because this part is so right on (and well-worded): "Let me follow that up. I don't think anyone should be a doormat. I don't mean that at all. If someone has shown you they are a shitty person, believe them and don't keep letting them take. But, if you have no reason to believe they are anything other than a good person, why treat them as if they are shitty? My lifelong trust issues used to give me no choice. I treated everyone with suspicion because whenever I didn't, I got burned and felt stupid. As if that was a failure in me. It wasn't my failure for not seeing who they were. It was their failure for not being better."
from howlingwind :
Maybe it's Pluto retrograde driving us nuts. Not that I understand astrology or anything. :-)
from musikoid :
You and I aren't the only ones.
from howlingwind :
Sorry - not feeling so articulate today. :-/
from howlingwind :
Thanks chica. :-)
from musikoid :
I think I've seen you disagree with someone on the news feed before, but it never seemed you were out of control, only indignant & outraged. It's hard not to be appalled by some of these people's statements and beliefs, and how free they feel to express them on social media. It's also getting to where if you point out their egregious conduct, they say you're interfering with their 1st Amendment rights. Ask them to quote the 1st Amendment after that, and they draw a blank or change the subject. Sometimes though I feel compelled to comment when someone has said something particularly horrifying. If I'm lucky, I can retort quickly, stick around long enough to see a few "likes" and "loves," and get in and out of there fast before damage is done to my psyche. That probably happens 4 out of 5 times. But what happens on the 5th confirms that the whole endeavor isn't worth it. I've also never changed anyone's mind, however -- if you've succeeded in that, more power to you.
from musikoid :
My experience is that potentially inflammatory Facebook threads and PTSD don't make a very safe combination. I try to not start in as well, but a couple times toward the beginning of the pandemic I was triggered and jumped into all this open fire that I definitely could have avoided and had a much more pleasant evening. Uninformed People mouth off unthinkingly, they have not had your experiences and are unaware of the validity of traumatic suffering, and if I make an initial comment, I'm a goner in the arena. Then it doesn't leave me the rest of the day, sometimes weeks or more.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I'm trying to, anyway.
from musikoid :
Two physical accidents in one day sounds pretty painful and anxiety-provoking. Glad you got some writing done.
from cocoabean :
I feel your pain. Tripped on uneven sidewalk 3 weeks ago... Finally can breathe without pain
from whystinger :
I wake up when I am too warm too. I haven't figured out a good work around, but am thinking of trying a weighted blanket. It is bad now, as we had more cold weather here and I was able to sleep with the blanket and comforter on, now some nights I only need a sheet and that is tough to sleep with only the weight of the sheet.
from howlingwind :
Happy birthday! We went on a little trip so I haven't been checking this as much. I guess I'm just kind of checked out lately all around. Anyhoo - enjoy the rest of your weekend. :-)
from musikoid :
I just came back and read your last five entries. Sounds like there is something of a whirlpool at times, but you seem in good spirits and active for the most part, despite sources of pain. Happy Birthday -
from whystinger :
Yay for the hot water!
from cocoabean :
yay! for hot water!!
from whystinger :
Well I started a note and then migrated away. I think I have been on here since 2002, around Christmas time. Might have been 2001 but I think it was '02 and I know that I read a few diaries before I started one. The first few entries are really cheesy, me trying to see how this worked. I
from whystinger :
Perhaps you should ease up on yourself, maybe you are being a little harsh on you? Maybe I should MMOB... LOL
from whystinger :
Re: Punch that... I am not sure which drugs you are talking about but I suspect it is a wide variety. For me, recreational drugs don't work when I feel like shit or when depressed - they just seem to magnify whatever is bothering me or cause me to dwell on it, but that is just me. I have had help (as you know) with certain depression meds and therapy. The anti-depressant I was on for a while didn't seem to affect me much but allowed me to focus and get things done. That was the right med for me. Therapy can be tricky as you have to find the right therapist. Same for Doctors, but we tend to accept those doctors we don't quite "jell with" more readily. I wish I could remember some very mild anti depressants that may do certain things. We tried them with my Ex and she was not willing to keep trying different ones, so no progress. Back then, a few professionals felt she would have benefitted from certain things, but she would not try them. I remember one particular anti depressant helped with one major problem, but needed something else. I don't know why I am writing this as I know that you have the best handle on your situation
from howlingwind :
Yo - I always feel like I'm annoying people or making them uncomfortable in some way. Like I automatically assumed my Reiki friend was annoyed - maybe she wasn't. Anyhoo - I don't fit into any societal norms at the moment and so therefore I feel like a pariah. Meh. Just commiserating with how you may be feeling at the moment.
from whystinger :
I will have to wait until I can get someone to take me and then drive me home from the colonoscopy. After that, I will do the uro screening. Hoping to at least get a vaccine appointment on Monday. I will probably try to see if they will let me schedule tomorrow just in case.
from howlingwind :
Thanks chica.
from whystinger :
From your 3/08 entry "if I had known the real date" I am not sure you could have known the read date as if I remember correctly, it was dealing with that person's family and that makes dates more fluid and less predictable. This backs up your thoughts of you not doing anything differently. Glad you got the vaccine, I think a few folks have mentioned not sleeping well for a day or so after. BTW, you have survived and thrived, which is excellent. Part 2 - it is amazing how a TV show or Movie can affect us, isn't it?
from whystinger :
It is better news than what some thought. The best solution would have been removing the tumor but that did involve removing the stomach, so that creates other issues. While there are no guarantees, all is not lost and this really is hopeful. It was a beautiful trip, all things considered.
from whystinger :
Benadryl - I took on the other day to help me sleep and I was fucking exhausted all day, even had to have some coffee in the afternoon. Benadryl can cause some emotions... I am doing better now after hearing straight from the oncologist and surgeon. Long ride home tomorrow.
from whystinger :
You have been getting more comfortable by yourself and that helps prepare you for the relationship. On a side note, Honi and a group of work friends used to trash their husbands. Well not all of them but Honi and her bestie. I remember when Bildo's ex-wife would trash him to me. I always disliked that and when he asked for the divorce, she stated calling me more often. I had just married Honi, so I stopped taking her calls that would pull me down.
from whystinger :
Get some inexpensive petroleum jelly from Walmart or one of the grocery stores and try that or even coconut oil and even olive oil. I had to stop fabric softener years ago as it really fucked with my skin in the cold of winter. Doctor also told me to stop using scented and dyed laundry detergent and I really don't use that anymore. Did you know that fabric softener actually can damage fabrics? They recommend getting wool dryer balls and my sister and brother-in-law swear by them, plus it helps cut costs. Dryer sheets would do something to the skin on my legs and I was forever getting ringworm in the winter.
from whystinger :
I have had a slight craving for cigarettes too lately. Maybe that is why I am trying to get back running.
from whystinger :
I always thought I would be okay with wrinkles, but now I dislike mine. Age is just a number and attitude does help. As for you, I know 30 year olds that if you stood next to, people would swear that you are the younger one. I sometimes use young words, as I am probably over-compensating for my fucking potty mouth. In the South, many of my friends use the term Momma and Daddy. I find that I have sometimes adopted that speech pattern when around them.
from linguafranca :
I mean, I don’t think anyone would deny there are physical and eventually mental changes with age. But there are the self-limiting beliefs like you mentioned, about what you can and can’t do. People act you can’t learn new skills or take on new projects. And then, one thing Rhizome comes back to a lot, is the boxes other people try to put us in as we age. Being maternal. Giving our resources to the young. The resources society provides, being more available to the young (any sort of training or funding, for instance). Being seen as expendable. Having our sexuality gradually stripped away whether we want it to be or not. Not quite there, you and I, but it happens. Ok, now I’m mad.
from cocoabean :
I hate the movie Silence of the Lambs. My ex watched it every time it was on, can't decide why. Anyway, try pumpkin in the dog/cat fresh food, my friend in SD used it for her dogs.
from linguafranca :
Oh no, I’m sorry that post rubbed you wrong! For context, G is a neurodivergent branding expert who has recently started a business in which they consult and help people who want to make their brands more gender inclusive. So that’s why they were speaking with a voice of authority... it’s part of their business to be perceived as such and many of their readers are potential customers. I thought it was interesting as the emphasis on personal experiences over gender is one I find appealing. I didn’t feel they were saying once size fits all, only that if you are trying to make an inclusive gender space, framing it that way won’t work for some non-binary people. Anyway, didn’t mean for it to rile you up or present it as gospel (I’m not sure how I identify anymore so I don’t know if I even get to have an opinion on it).
from howlingwind :
I hope the skin condition improves :-) Well, disappears preferably.
from cocoabean :
Hang in there!
from cocoabean :
Which app? I've tried some and not had much luck because I didn't want to buy anything in the games...
from linguafranca :
Yay, Wade! That’s so nice!!!
from whystinger :
I can't articulate what one of your entries wants me to say but thought that I would just reach out and let you know I was thinking about you.
from musikoid :
It happens every time I do a sudden smoking cessation. This is like "Day Four" and it will be a few more days before I can regain my center. That is, unless I give up and buy another "pack."
from linguafranca :
It was a D battery. 🤣
from musikoid :
Thanks!
from whystinger :
I would not call what you described as weird. My ex-wife used to need an electric blanket in the winter even in mild climates. When she reached a certain age, she was "warmer" and didn't need the electric blanket. When it got really cold, I swear she radiated heat and that kept me warm. Currently my night thermostat is at 62 degrees and I can sleep with the covers on, which seems to help. me sleep.
from linguafranca :
I ended up doing an internet search for them and remain puzzled about why there’s only the one size. I demand stackable tribead bracelets! With glitter!
from whystinger :
I had trouble sleeping with the satin sheets as they kept falling off the bed and I would get cold...
from musikoid :
Yes I can see how that could be six of one, a half dozen of the other. Since the weird Winter weather I have been much less inclined to venture outward at great length. If and when I do, the weather really does have to permit it.
from musikoid :
I hadn't heard of spoon theory, but I found while reading your account that I was reminded of how a spiritual teacher had once modeled reality into a set of "desolations" and "consolations." The energy needed for life was contingent on whether the Universe was consoling or depriving us at those moments. And there would be a build-up, like a reserve -- I don't know, it just reminded me of that. (You might have had to have been there). I want to say though that's too bad that apparently you have to make an external trek in order to access your shower. One of my great blessings is having one in my own building, and a private one (unlike for most of my life experience).
from howlingwind :
Yay - she tried tapping!! I need to do it more. I get out of the habit and then I have small mental breakdowns. The spoon thing - yes - I saw a video about people who ate a cookie instead of a radish spent more time doing some creative task / puzzle - so the idea being - if you want to do creative things etc. - avoid using your spoons on things that don't matter or can be in some way avoided. I know, easier said than done. :-/
from musikoid :
I got your note. I think I didn't express that situation fully or clearly, and was pondering writing again about it. But my mind has been so occupied since Wednesday with ramifications of the insurrection, to be truthful it's robbing me of my full focus. As I said in that one entry, recalling there was a rehearsal and have to suddenly show up and do expected things was like a rivet back into reality. Maybe it will happen this afternoon too if I'm lucky. Otherwise the isolation is largely only exacerbating anxiety about the national condition.
from cocoabean :
Funny, I've been watching and reading the news too. I haven't done that since 9/11
from musikoid :
I'm the same way about coffee. I drink it black and like it just right. I'll cover it up with cream and sugar only if it tastes really lousy. But a good cup of good black coffee is a great achievement.
from cocoabean :
I think someone pointed out to him how he was being held responsible for the violence and that there would be more if he didn't try to refuse it. And no, he didn't write that speech, I'd bet on that.
from whystinger :
Interesting couple of entries. First the dreams - glad you had some interesting ones and then the coffee and weird dreams. Sometimes I have weird dreams when I get too much caffeine. Sorry to hear about the truck.
from whystinger :
I guess that I am looking for patterns, when you mentioned that thoughts become loud and upfront in your 12/29/2020 entry, as I noticed that when my ex was suffering, (all) noises seemed to bother her and she would tell me "that noise is so loud" (even the smallest noise to me was loud to her). Not equating you with her, but wondering if there is a pattern. My gut tells me no, it is different. With her, she may have just been looking for excuses to lash out.
from whystinger :
Glad that you got to spend some time with S and sorry about your Mom's friend. Interesting about the volume and location of the thoughts. Do loud noises bother you when this happens?
from musikoid :
Briefly, per the "shadows" entry, I experience an apparently similar event, wherein my thoughts become louder and (in my case) more abrasive. But I've left you three notes in a row now and won't elaborate. It may be related to some other commonalities between us.
from musikoid :
On the second note, the money being in D's keeping means that she won't release any of it unless I have a specific business expense. She declines to assume the official position, but at the same requires I give her a business-related reason for a money request. She wouldn't release any of it for, say, food. Otherwise I agree it ought to sit there peacefully before there's a credible reason to want some of it.
from musikoid :
I was sleeping on your first note as it seemed to suggest reflection. I'd not thought before about how much more impact an angry message might have when it's well-written, as from the writer's pen, and thus wield more power. In addition, in our cases, there's an intertwining of rage and impulse that when unchecked can lead to disaster. In my present capacity I want particularly to avoid it. It seems that by and large I have a pretty good rep going on, and I don't want anything to taint it.
from musikoid :
Great that S showed up for Christmas! That's interesting about the real S and the robot. I had a surprisingly good Christmas myself, just didn't write about it this morning, because it wasn't on my mind.
from whystinger :
Sorry to hear about the toilet and the bombing as I know if screwed up your connectivity. Hope your Christmas was great. I don't feel well, so I will reach out later.
from musikoid :
It is indeed exciting! Merry Christmas, you as well!
from musikoid :
You got the metaphors all right! Okay so this is the crux of the biscuit: "Because trauma has taught us we are unlovable." I wonder if we will ever escape it. But I'm glad S took the action of giving you the words you needed. Now to back to your brilliance, aside from all personal affairs. It certainly shined more in this entry, in so many ways, than in anything I've read from you in a long time. I could gush. I'm going to have to get into your poetry book soon.
from musikoid :
I think that's true about moods. It's best to sit with some of them and really experience them and see them through. With others, it's better to distract oneself. It is hard to know which kind of mood is which. But there's a mood from which no distraction is possible. You probably know what I mean.
from whystinger :
Yay on the dropping of inches. I have been trying, but... it will take some time. I saw and remember the post, but had to go back and read the comment the artist posted.
from musikoid :
Yes they are. Funny how I never saw that before. Thanks Wordy.
from cocoabean :
well you matter to me, too
from musikoid :
I'm more myself now, though it definitely seems to have been fluctuating.
from musikoid :
I read your last two entries last night and again this morning, which makes my most recent note to myself a half-truth. Anyway per the first of the two last entries, whenever I delete my entry, it is always because I feel it lacks beauty. If it's ugly, I delete it. It has very little to do with any other factor (such as veracity, mood, etc.) I also feel like the positive aspects of my personality have been muted. But I think I can gain some of them back if I didn't feel social pressure to perform according to certain standards that have never worked for me and probably never will. Finally, I hope your painting gives you fulfillment. I've been under psychic attack ever since I submitted that article, the one that last I checked had been shared 173 times. Well the fellowship after my Zoom church is showing up, which I generally enjoy, as opposed to the rest of the service. Gotta switch gears now. Take care Wordy.
from whystinger :
I've had similar problems with propane companies and wonder why? Others can give you a good date estimate. I did like my tree removal service "We can't be here until 3 weeks, but we will call you as we get cancellations all the time. Do you want us to call if we can get her earlier?" Hell yes. They call a week later. We had two cancellations and moved things around, we can be there Thursday, ok? We have similar problems in my industry, the biggest being some don't want to work a bit later and as they are on "piecework" many managers don't want to ask them. As they are on piece work, many don't make them hold regular hours which is crazy and why the business profits are sketchy.
from whystinger :
I can't believe that people fall for his bullshit. I really can't.
from musikoid :
Yes, I enjoy Ashley's work. I look forward to perusing your poetry. Peace.
from musikoid :
Got POTISM on the Kindle! Thanks. :)
from musikoid :
I'm fine now and I'm glad it all happened. It helped me to work through some stuff and understand it better. Interesting that Ashley's blog was about trigger warnings. Thanks for showing me where to find your book of poetry.
from musikoid :
First I wrote the tuneup then I read your entry with the post and then I saw this https://mentalhealthathome.org/2020/12/08/are-trigger-warnings-useful/ that I follow every morning on WordPress. The tuneuup is at https://edeninbabylon.com/2020/12/08/tuesday-tuneup-96/ Somebody is obviously trying to tell me something this morning
from musikoid :
Just read your last entry in addition to that Facebook post, which I'd not seen before. This is triggering something horrible and I guess I have to think about what kind of person will willfully disregard the rights and feelings of a person of any age or gender who does not want to be touched and is in fact saying so. What I wrote in my tuneup this morning is nothing compared to what happened repeatedly on the streets. Maybe even things consenting are not quite truly consenting. It makes me not want to ever touch a person again and maybe that's why I do what I do instead. I probably shouldn't be writing right now, I came to ask for the link to your poetry book before I forget. I am glad I saw your entry because I'm seeing the need to process something that is a lot larger than what was on my mind.
from whystinger :
I haven't read your entry yet, I paused to read the Facebook post you reference. I am now angry, not at you, not at her but at her Mother and her step-Father. Have I ever told you about the two guys I have met (met them separately) but wanted to punch them in the face repeatedly for no reason? Later I would find out why.
from musikoid :
OK cool.
from musikoid :
Yes, it now does. Not sure if people have my user/pass, though.
from musikoid :
I got your email and I see you're online. I think the reason my notes weren't working is because I hadn't entered a profile. If you try now, let me know if it works. I'm glad my note was helpful.
from musikoid :
I meant, "I'll take the former." (I had a rare beer, probably my first in three or four months. Seems to have been the 24 ounce variety.)
from musikoid :
About lockdown struggling, I hardly ever leave the apartment, and I do get stir crazy. My mood cycle may be different than yours, in that it does allow for good moods, or frames of mind that at least "feel" good - though I am prone to making errors of judgment in those states. However, they do break up the monotony. Though I may gush about how pleasant rehearsals have been, I have to confess it's been frustrating that I can hardly hear the people singing when they are distanced so far away from me. I am used to the singers standing right next to me at the piano. I am not sure where you are with exercise, but I do find that getting out for vigorous exercise once a day helps to diffuse the ennui. On the days that I miss (today for example) I am considerably more pent-up. You are such an intelligent person, which shows in your writing. I should have my money in a couple hours, so I will get your poetry book. I find your thought very interesting. Anyway I need to continually remind myself that sheltering in place is a better bid than living in a place without any shelter. Between the two of them, having done both, I'll take the latter. I do see how having all that family around, and the mundane topics and activities rarely breaking from the norm, could be disheartening. Keep the faith.
from musikoid :
One thing about rage is it takes away my fear. Maybe that's akin to its making you feel safe.
from howlingwind :
Sorry woman. Hermit mode for sure. Feeling rather hermitish myself.
from musikoid :
Hi, I'm not sure why you couldn't leave me a note. They're turned on, and I put in a "test" note a few days ago to make sure they worked. I don't know, you can try again maybe later. Looks like the entry I was just reading was from the 25th, and it's the 1st already. Well -- either email address works and I check them both.
from whystinger :
I have caught up backwards to 11/20. I are you on sewer or septic in the studio?
from whystinger :
Well hell, I have been missing it, join the crowd...
from musikoid :
Hey I've been reading. I appreciated what you said in your email but then I also thought, "how am I going to know what's going on with Wordy if I don't read her diary?" Then I also wrote an entry or two, as I have noticed lately more success with "moderating" things that I have felt addicted to. Hm though I wanted to say there might be something in the air, because also today, though in an unusually good mood, I found myself doing things that sort of "utilized" the goodness of mood - writing a couple short pieces for my blog, running, meditating -- but then I notice as the sky darkens I begin to crash, and weird fears enter in -- mostly related to indiscretions I feel I may have committed recently. Also, the previous day, though I did not perceive a pattern or relate it to anything hormonal, I did do a lot of reflecting, and came to some concessions.
from whystinger :
You have had a very challenging few days, I hope things are better now.
from whystinger :
Sorry to hear the dog scared the shit out of you, that is harsh. For some reason, I have been having headaches and having difficulty getting organized and getting shit done, the motivations comes at weird times.
from cocoabean :
Https://politicalgarbagechute.com/biden-wins
from musikoid :
Funny you mentioned. When I don't hear back from someone, I make up all kinds of stories. I might be better about not buying into them, though. Just today I finally heard from someone, once I realized that people weren't getting emails from my new email client. So I went back to the old one, and he got back to me about an hour later. There weren't any bad vibes at all. But in the several months that I didn't hear from him (texts or Facebook messages either), I developed all kinds of theories. Did he cancel me? Was it religious or political? All that stuff. It sounded however that there were no bad vibes at all. He was busy with a new job and his mom had died, and he wasn't getting back to others either. Strange what low self esteem can do to us.
from musikoid :
I was better mentally today too, though not till after a four mile run, a good rehearsal, and a lot of letting go. In response to your timeline post (the one I "loved") I have been called a "socialist leftie" many times in the past couple years, especially since having gotten into journalism, and even worse things, only because I speak out against 45. It's a combination of hostility and stupidity that is just a bit too much for me to bear, either in my sensitivity or in my intelligence. They do not know what "socialism" means and are blind to the fact that this monster they admire is an oligarch. So I don't feel a real compunction to keep following the numbers either. There is still beauty and meaning in life, outside of the current travesty.
from musikoid :
"He's drunk on power and his followers have a contact high. It isn't about right and left politics. It's about right and wrong humanity." That is SO right on. I am sorry it is creating so much anxiety and other physical symptoms. I think we're all having difficulty and dealing with it different ways.
from musikoid :
Interesting. I came across a verse in a certain translation the other day that I thought said: "Avoid irrelevant banter." So I tried to make all my conversations super-meaningful until I came back and saw: "Avoid irreverent banter." (Somehow that's parallel.)
from musikoid :
It colored the whole day. But I believe it happened for a reason.
from musikoid :
I got your note. I answered some of it in my diary entry, sort of. The low self esteem comes from my mother at an early age, and also may be genetic as well as environmental. It was impressed upon me early on that we were the "commoners" and that most people were more well-off than us, and therefore in some way superior. If something went wrong, I was made to believe that I was probably to blame, and that God was punishing me for some unknown sin. Then I would search my soul to try and unearth all the things that were wrong with me, completely overlooking that others had their own head-shit as well. This has all been unearthed in counseling just the last couple of years. So I think you can relate - at least in part -- for though the low self-esteem is very deep-seated, it starts to diminish with increased awareness, over time. Thanks for reading, and for your supportive note.
from musikoid :
That's interesting, your sequel entry. I've thought that before too, that even the word "paranormal" like "extrasensory" might be limiting to an "other" realm of experience psychic capacities that are in us by design, only we've not tapped into that part of the mind (in all its vast expanse).
from musikoid :
I wonder why some people have sleep paralysis and others don't.
from musikoid :
Sorry I have been so out of it. First overwork then isolation. I think there may be a positive change happening that I have nothing to do with, but if so, it feels uneasy and painful in the not knowing.
from whystinger :
I might want to see that list and description. Thanks for the compliment!
from cocoabean :
A friend of my parents had weird symptoms and was really sick. Noone could figure it out, but it turned out to be due to MSG. Nasty stuff if you're sensitive to it!
from howlingwind :
MSG makes it impossible for me to sleep. So I had to give up all of those yummy MSG laden snack foods. Sigh.
from cocoabean :
One room at a time! Is there enough to have a garage sale??
from howlingwind :
Thanks chica. :-)
from musikoid :
I just updated about it.
from musikoid :
Yes it helped. I'll have to try it more often.
from musikoid :
That was a deep entry, 10/15. I identify more than one would know. It's not the "dark" dark - and you're actually winning.
from whystinger :
From the 10/15/20 entry, i believe that you have have changed for the better, you have figured out a few things with your former marriage and more. I also had some weird dreams, hope to write about them. For your 10/14 entry, I have similar feelings of wanting to cuddle with that special someone. Even during the shit in my marriage, the cuddling helped and I think that the animals that would cuddle at night (cats) also provided some help and solace. I just re-read that entry and noticed the attention span and that is something I have really struggled with and really noticed lately. I find that I am bored, internet scrolling is habitual (for me) but does not satisfy, reading isn't happening and I am bored, yet stay up and try to "get something" from internet scrolling.
from howlingwind :
:-) :-) :-) Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Yes, this is deep. :-)
from musikoid :
I've been less tuned into the news than usual, partly out of preoccupation with my own stuff, and partly for the sake of my sanity. I didn't know Trump had made noises as to holding back the second stimulus check unless people vote for him. But I'm not surprised. He's been acting more and more desperate, which could be a good thing (we hope). Sorry this affects your personal finances.
from musikoid :
In my life, I've used a morning train, the garbage truck, and even roosters. Sleep is such a good thing.
from cocoabean :
I bought a biddeford, cheaper than a sunbeam. I've used it at least 5 years...
from howlingwind :
The goal setting is problematic for me as well. I have been writing down my goals and meditating on them every day while holding the cards with said goals written on them. I write it down again every day to keep the energy of the universe working on it, because lately, my brain is just too effed to figure that kind of stuff out.
from cocoabean :
The mattress cover makes the whole bed warm. They are much better than the blankets.. what size bed do you have?
from musikoid :
Amendment understood.
from cocoabean :
Get a heated mattress pad. I turn mine on high about an hour before I go to bed, then turn it on low once I'm in bed. It doesn't draw that much electricity and will make sleeping so much better!
from musikoid :
All I really wanted to add after reading it all is that I've been in a screwed up goal-oriented mindset for quite a while now. It bespeaks both anxiety and imbalance. I was able to get out of it early this morning and see the bigger picture -- for a while -- though it seems to be rearing its head once again.
from musikoid :
Make-out dreams seem to be going around lately. ;) Just starting your entry, I'll leave another note once I'm done, if something strikes me.
from musikoid :
Thanks.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Wordy. Your empathy means something to me.
from musikoid :
Hear hear. Btw I'm open again. I decided my issue is resolved enough I don't have to wait till the 6th.
from musikoid :
I have to leave a note on this last one, because I too have been mercurial lately (if that's the right word). I was just writing about it on my public blog. Last night it culminated in a fiasco when my moods shifted so rapidly in reaction to things that were happening -- both good and bad -- that I did something really irrational. Today's been better though I was numb throughout most of the day. I got to where "numb" was better than feelings rapidly cycling. So I think I can relate. + I voted yesterday and am ceasing to follow political threads on social media.
from whystinger :
Sounds like a great trip, also like you have some allergies. Probably thought about CL due to the pictures. Texted her about ginger tea she used to make - slice ginger and put a few slices in a cup of boiling water.
from musikoid :
Glad you said something, and also glad she apologized.
from howlingwind :
Don't buy those comic books! You don't need them. Nope. :-p
from musikoid :
I remember once I underestimated the strength of some cookies and before I knew it, I thought all my Internet trolls were outside my window with machine guns.
from musikoid :
And a mother who made me feel responsible for everything that went wrong. Meanwhile everybody else in my childhood was telling me I was going to "become famous." So I'm basically a guy who can't do anything right, is responsible for everything that goes wrong, and was destined for fame. Sounds a bit too much like 45 for me. ;)
from musikoid :
Thanks. I just have a lot of trouble making solid decisions (about anything, especially with respect to things I feel I've done erroneously), because my tendency is to always want to repeat the thing I'm doing wrong, until I get it right. It comes from my Dad but is very deeply ingrained. This is why I am never done with people, either. Either the situation between me and them is "right" or I want to do what I can to "make it right." It all comes from a father who repeatedly gave me the message when I was a little boy that I "couldn't do anything right." Right now, leaving the five entries (some edited) sitting there seems right because it all looks right to me. IDK, maybe my Dad unconsciously made me into the exact Artist he wished I had never become.
from musikoid :
I got your email. I haven't felt like writing in here much lately either. I hope you got some rest and recovery and your ankle's okay.
from musikoid :
Interestingly, this same subject came up on another forum this morning. I'm about to email you a couple of links.
from musikoid :
LOL those are indeed the two extremes, and you nailed it, sister! Like with other polarities, we don't have single words to describe points in the middle ground. I guess this is why we Writers write. We like coming up with flowery descriptions for the same.
from musikoid :
You're a very intelligent person whom I've known for a long time, and of course you wouldn't have responded that way. I hope I did not insult your sense of courtesy. I only thought that way before I woke to the fact of there being another option. People have been so curt, and I've taken it. Mostly though, they've been from California, where people often jump at the chance not to miss a dig like that, since it's all part of the general competitive one-upsmanship that soils social relationships in that particular State. Here in North Idaho, people have much more regard for common courtesy. (And there i just did it - I put them in the California Box or the Idaho Box. Almost seems unavoidable.) I get what you mean now - it's about what words connote in people's own minds. I'd personally rather identify as "spiritual" than "religious" because I have my own sense of what it means to be religious. It includes "rigid" as well as a blind adherence to learned precepts and a dutiful observation of certain rituals, customs, or routines. That's not me, but one might have another idea when referring to me as religious. A lot of the time it's because they hear that I'm a Christian (or at least a churchgoer), and so somebody will say something like: "I know you're religious, but the best word I can think of to describe POTUS is 'fuckhead.'" After that, I usually say something like: "Fuck that fucked up fuckhead!" This leaves them wondering why I do things like read Bibles and go to churches, but at least it clears something else up. + I hadn't thought about how people might think the word "spiritual" as opposed to 'religious' to connote flighty or flaky. I think some of the more religious fundamentalists I know think I'm copping out when I do things like that -- as though I'd rather be associated with New Age sorts than with people who use the same Bible as I do. But I don't use the Bible the WAY that some of them do, and IDK. Maybe there should be a third word. I'm going to meet with the linguistics professor here on Zoom in a few days, and I think I'll run some of this past him. Very bright fellow.
from musikoid :
Oh! "Absolutely that" most likely referred to my previous note: "In other words, an honest editor whom you can totally trust. It's great you have that kinship." (Not to my one-sentence entry.) I get it now. :)
from musikoid :
I think what it is, is that the labels and prejudices simplify things in people's minds. I was reading a study on black and white thinking, and how it has evolved largely because the language lacks words to express grey areas. For example, we have the word "high" and the word "low" but there aren't single words to define all the gradations in between, so people have to use more words, and they would rather lean one way or the other, even though it's inaccurate, just to simplify their communications (as well as their thought processes.) I didn't understand two points in your note, however. Did "Absolutely that" refer to my last statement, "I talk too much?" If it did, that's fine, because I do - or at least so far in life, I have. But I just didn't know what the reference was. + I wasn't sure I understood about the being "likely neither" (spiritual or religious), unless it was just the general thing of the boxes being approximate. I could elaborate on why I never say "I'm a liberal" (but I feel like I'm talking too much already lol).
from musikoid :
In other words, an honest editor whom you can totally trust. It's great you have that kinship.
from musikoid :
I haven't read too many of your older entries yet, and am trying to figure out if RFB is a hired editor or publisher who lives nearby you, or rather a close personal friend who happens to critique your work.
from whystinger :
We tend to turn into our parents a bit as we age. We see my Mom become more like Grandma, but there are differences. When you recognize the traits you don't want to grow into, you have the option of working to avoid that. You will most likely recognize those traits and behaviors and work to avoid them. I have begun to understand my ish and have begun to embrace the traits I want to keep and those I want to avoid.
from whystinger :
Chicken (I think) is a staple in most Mexican households, or at least it is with my Mexican friends. I do understand better from your note.
from musikoid :
I think I've processed most of it.
from whystinger :
"...never had tacos without ground beef..." I guess that means no fish tacos, no chicken tacos, no tacos al pastor or tacos al carbon... I am sorry.
from musikoid :
You might be a little bit like me. Those whom are in my circle I love and try to lavish with favor. If somebody messes with me or any of them, I want to avenge them or myself. I think that Sicilians have this tendency by nature. It's a difficult thing to arrest or contain.
from musikoid :
Yes, very much so! Here's hoping.
from howlingwind :
I went through a paranoid phase. They have little alarms you can buy and, I didn't want to screw it to the door so I just set it up on the floor, so in case the door opened it would trigger it. IDK. Just an idea.
from musikoid :
I often interpret a certain event as "karmic retribution" for an attitude or thought life I had entertained shortly before. I'm not sure how valid it is, since much of this relates to a superstitious Roman Catholic mother who impressed upon me at an early age that I had to be responsible for the well-being of all, and that if something went wrong, I was probably being divinely punished for something. + Nothing wrong with owning a handgun for self-defense or a hunting rifle. I feel you though, because I am also reluctant to purchase one, on the basis of that I might be the last person I would trust with one.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Wordy. I'll catch up with soon, I've only skimmed your last entry. All the Best.
from musikoid :
Tomorrow will be better than today, chances are. (Just as, for me, today is better than yesterday.) I have similar thoughts about J. They range from her having deleted me completely from her memory banks, to her talking about me all the time with my stepdaughter, and even plotting my assassination. Letting go isn't easy.
from musikoid :
Thanks. My ex would have used the word "mercurial." I've been in so many moods in a single day that I would be deemed "hard to track." And I, in turn, would become extremely self-conscious that there was this person in my house who was about "tracking" me. A very dangerous game.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Wordy. Like I said, it's been gradual. If you're coming back after a long break, you would probably be in the position to notice more of a difference than I.
from musikoid :
Not you at all, Wordy, but a fifth reader whom I added on impulsive intuition, somebody whom I did not know at all. That's what was getting me paranoid. But then I got a nice note from her, and I've mellowed. As far as the addiction factor, some of us apparently have more addictive personalities than others, and so we have to hold that in check. I'm still working on what I ought to say or not say in a diary -- or in an email or in real life for that matter. I think if I work on a general increase in "inner quietude" it will probably help, not just with the diary, but with life on the whole.
from musikoid :
Yes - back to the eating analogy. You make a good point.
from musikoid :
I've actually thought of it that way before, as though there's something in me that naturally needs to be fed, and the release is tantamount to the satiation one feels after a decent meal. It's a helpful way to frame it, though it doesn't always work for me - which again I think is largely a function of pre-Vatican Two guilt, an idea that such things were "dirty" on "unclean" and thus to be shunned, and that idea being planted in my head when I was too young to even remember. It probably hit me hard the same way the story of the "forbidden fruit" affected me, which was to shun all fruit, so as not to take any chances. Such perceptions led to little-boy choices that I don't even remember and yet are hard to shake. Currently however, I've been thinking that there's a time for everything, everything in its season - like the famous words of Ecclesiastes and the Byrds song "Turn Turn Turn." If I feel guilty, maybe it only means that the time isn't right. When I don't feel guilty, maybe the time was right. All things in their season, everything in its place, moderation in all things. It may be a matter of balance.
from musikoid :
Not much to get caught up on, just the usual self-loathing and confusion.
from musikoid :
It seems likely that the kind of migraine with aura would explain this. Hopefully there's viable treatment. Good luck.
from musikoid :
Really? That's great if you have.
from musikoid :
Your mood shifts seem to be of a different dynamic than mine, though the commonality is that something triggers them. I've noticed that, once triggered, if I indulge the mood consciously, it's like I'm almost "making myself mad." There's time to turn back, but I don't always catch them. Anyway I am rooting for you Wordy.
from whystinger :
That is what I was wondering - am I trying to escape or just have a fucked up dream? As I was going to give that engine to my transgender friend's son, I think it was my subconscious telling me to avoid her due to the drama.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Wordy. It will be good to know what's going on inside. Sent you an email. Talk to you soon.
from musikoid :
That's great that you got the writing muse back.
from whystinger :
I would say it is more of a working on pulling myself out of it. It will really take maybe 4-6 weeks.
from whystinger :
08/12/2020 Not sure if I should post or not, but your reaction is right on. Work with what is in your circle of control. Very good.
from cocoabean :
Yes, the silent treatment is definitely no good. I had a friend who used that on me, and after a month, I just deleted her out of my media. I don't play that game.
from musikoid :
That's what I thought you were inferring (just wasn't certain).
from howlingwind :
Joey King looks a bit like Rose McGowan in her younger days - but that's probably the wrong answer. Just thought I'd make the suggestion.
from musikoid :
I've caught up with all your entries now, up until Saturday (that being today). All the stuff with your nephew is horrible. You appear to be managing your moods well, though. I have found myself applying that meme about the feelings being messengers. In particular, my anger telling me what it is I am powerless over. I don't think I'd have tuned into that so much, had I not read that. I think I understand what it is that you get from the CBD, in terms of permitting your mind to make certain connections. I have only used the traditional cannabis, though many new varieties of it are available these days.
from musikoid :
Yes it's good that there seems a clearer path with regards to the musical, whereas earlier the path was much hazier. I see you've updated a number of times, so I'll note again once I've caught up.
from dangerspouse :
Your poor nephew...and you.
from musikoid :
That's good to hear.
from dangerspouse :
"I'm angry and I'm tired and I'm sick of things not making sense." I think that sums up how a lot of us feel. Hang in there - and don't compromise your position re: nephew. You're right, you didn't take all those measures earlier just to potentially put yourselves in harm's way now. Good luck!
from musikoid :
That sucks about your nephew having to go back to school. Our nation's lack of a consistent policy for dealing with the pandemic is manifesting in all kinds of maddening ways. I'm very much interested in your poetry e-book, and I'm sorry about your back pain.
from musikoid :
Just went to your profile. "Less anger, less angst, less anxiety - but still some of all." That's about the way it is with me too. I think it's a function of age.
from musikoid :
Thanks Wordy. I had to go back and see what I wrote. (I don't have a very good short-term memory anymore). It sounds like my characterization of myself was a bit harsh. I'm not sure why I put it that way. That's how the relationship made me feel. All FOUR times we tried it. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
from howlingwind :
Yep, Eff that guy! Not literally, ewww, but you know.
from howlingwind :
Sometimes it's good to just go into full feel sorry for yourself mode so you can purge that rubbish. Sometimes it works.
from musikoid :
Thanks for reading & for the supportive comment. I don't know why I get so wrapped up in her stuff - it's hard to distance myself emotionally when I see her making many of the same kinds of mistakes that I make myself.
from linguafranca :
Of COURSE I would be interested, silly!
from howlingwind :
Oh, all the time we have wasted on these undeserving men. Meh.
from musikoid :
There might be a quasi-rhyme in 'immigrants' and 'instruments." Or maybe, 'immigration' and 'instrumentation." Yes, that's it. Well - money (or the lack of it) will probably keep me where I am. I am just going to have to really hunker down, only leave for exercise and an occasional errand, and hope this storm will pass.
from howlingwind :
Thanks old friend. Namaste. The divine in me recognizes the divine in you. :-)
from linguafranca :
Ugh I wish we could go drive around and take photos and shoot the shit in person while I’m in TN.
from whystinger :
Inside tire wear on the front tires is alignment related, generally camber is off a bit too much and/or toe in. If the rear suspension is adjustable, same. There are a few other possibilities, but not real likely. I agree with you about some people who refuse to accept information about the pandemic, how to stay safe and keep others safe. I am tired of the "this is a violation of my constitutional rights." Bullshit, you don't have a constitutional right to possibly infect others with a disease and if it were a right, then murder would not be illegal... I do get frustrated. I also get pissed that people have a tendency to not research things and to accept what they think they believe (the pandemic is a Democratic ploy to sink Trump or the pandemic is a republican ploy to keep Trump in office and shit like that). Friends on all sides of the political spectrum are latching onto and believing some sites and people with bad science. One only needs to spend five minutes researching, but they don't. On the other hand, once in a while, I find myself not researching, but those events are becoming more and more rare.
from howlingwind :
Best way to bring him back to you is to heal yourself. Heal yourself and everyone else around you picks up the vibes and gets on their path. IMHO anyway. :-) It's the only thing you can control anyway.
from howlingwind :
I'm sorry about your doggie. Sending healing vibes for doggie. :-)
from cocoabean :
Aww its so hard when your pet doesn't feel well. *hugs*
from whystinger :
And I am still weighing things out in my mind, causing procrastination.
from howlingwind :
I'm glad your headspace is improving. Thanks for reaching out. Feel free to anytime. I'm not always super good with checking the email though. Just so you know. :-)
from whystinger :
I bought some CBD to help me sleep and it helped, then stopped helping. then I picked it up again and it helped. I am thinking that maybe like you mentioned, do't use every night.
from whystinger :
06-16-2020. I had wished that I went to Looseys with you that one Sunday. Now I doubly wish I went to see them play!
from whystinger :
Shit, I forgot twice now what I was going to say. Fuck it, I am going outside to be productive, maybe that will help me. Smile.
from howlingwind :
Relationships. Meh.
from whystinger :
06/05/2020 I am sorry to hear about S. Things seemed to be going so well, until he had to "take care of business" but then something happened with this taking care of his whatever (I forget, was it his daughter?) Anyway, I would think he would say "wow, great to hear from you, sorry I am still busy, but let chat for a few..." If we were closer, we would most likely go out together and probably wingman and wingmam for each other. Some lady used to come to one of the breweries occasionally with a guy, deny they were there before, get drunk and she would flirt with some of us. They claimed they were siblings and I think I knew her from way back in NY or Savannah or somewhere I lived or more likely went to school. I thought they were lovers but didn't act like it and I think they were siblings but they both got a lot of attention from others. Wingfolk. I am still shocked and disappointed by S. I am so sorry.
from whystinger :
The nematodes last a few years, so they are more cost effective and less harmful. I really became concerned when one neighbor got some really strong pesticide and fogged his yard. The directions cleary said "don't use near bees and when bees are active." That stuff was so strong it seemed to kill a few squirrels. That really worried me.
from whystinger :
I don't like using pesticides and haven't used them much on this lawn. I think it was two years ago that I spot treated parts of the lawn that was being damaged by cinch bugs. First thing I worried about was the lizards and native frogs and toads - especially the Eastern Spadefoot Toad (check Wikipedia better picture). This year I saw the start of cinch bugs again so I made the decision to use it. Next year I will probably use a different "natural" remedy, which would be nematodes.
from linguafranca :
Film camera not required! Digital is fine, I can make a digital negative and print to a transparency. Just needs to be a greyscale image. Let’s try it!
from whystinger :
There is a bit more about the toilet I should tell you when we get a chance. If I get into email, I will see if I can type it up and email it.
from dangerspouse :
I think you should write your friend and tell him of the dream, ending your letter with "pretty funny, huh? Haha!" If he writes back with, "Lol! Yeah, right? As if!", then no harm done. You just shared a funny anecdote. But if he comes back with, "Well actually...." :)
from howlingwind :
Tis the season for people from the past to invade our mental space?
from dangerspouse :
Congrats on the new water heater, but is the toilet back in working order yet?
from whystinger :
We truly busted ass and it was nice of him to leave a few separate slices of coffee cake and a fork, separate from him as he worries he may have been exposed to covid-19
from howlingwind :
Ugh, I hate home repairs. They drain my energy like crazy. May the toilet repair gods smile upon you.
from linguafranca :
I cried from frustration just reading that.
from whystinger :
05/14/2020. Sounds like yesterday was a bitch. I now wish I would have reached out but I was talked out. I hope today is measurably better. Thanks for the info on the fire ants. I have had regular ants drop off the trees and crawl down my back. I move, they bite and I don't know it is an ant and I try to squish it and the fucker keeps biting. I finally pul my shirt off and turn it inside out. A mangled and half squished ant is done for exept the mandibles are working and it can bite...
from whystinger :
5/12/2020 I want to say something about the book, but can't quite formulate what is swimming around in my head. I did try to reach out to my roommate from my trip three years ago. Have not heard from him, but he retired from the publishing industry and could have been a resource. He was a codger and cranky and I suspect he had another bad stroke or worse.
from howlingwind :
Thanks chica. Is it just me or do men just not listen at all? Can't change? I tell him how much this stuff bothers me and he shrugs it off. Bleh.
from whystinger :
Finally catching up a bit.
from dangerspouse :
Aha, you add bacon bits! Now I understand. Hey, thanks for the rockin' note. re: beer bread, I know it, I love it, my trailer trash wife demands it, I'm sure your sister's wedding was the better for it. Whystinger was just having some fun with me because he thinks I'm a bread pedant. Which I'm not, but I play one on the internet, so he got fooled. And your diary isn't boring ass. I'm quite enjoying it. I've seen MUCH more boring asses. I'm married, remember.
from dangerspouse :
Thanks for the Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring password. I'm in, giggity giggity! And I must say I think it was worth it already, as I don't believe I've ever heard anyone opine they like salad as much as banana splits before. Unless, y'know, it was a salad made out of ice cream. Which presumably yours wasn't. Was it...?
from dangerspouse :
Hi there! I see an awful lot of diaries I like list you as one of their faves, and I was wondering if I might be allowed to read it and see what all the hubub is about for myself? If you're amenable, you can either leave the magic words in my notes (I'll erase 'em as soon as I see 'em) or you can email me (notepad101-at-hotmail). Thanks much!
from howlingwind :
Happy Birthday Wordy! This is a lame place to say happy birthday I guess, but I'm the first one at least. Ha. Hope you find a Corona friendly activity to partake in with joy and reckless abandon and stuff. :-)
from cocoabean :
When my daughter was a senior there was the SARS scare. This seems to be the same thing, only SARS was contained early so didn't spread much to the US. At least that's what I remember about it. This is the same crap, different version. International flights spread it faster and wider and the media created the hoarding frenzy.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, the dog too. She hadn’t left food or water out for the dog. Idk if that’s why it died or what. I don’t know details. There were people offering to help her walk the dog even last week and she refused their help. It was definitely a long-term depression situation I think.
from howlingwind :
Get better soon girlie! Sending you healthy vibes and such! :-)
from whystinger :
Sorry for the delay. If you replace the wax ring, make sure the toilet is level and doesn't rock back and forth, if so add some shims, I can explain it better if you need me to. Also if a tile floor and the whole unit is higher, I have seen two wax rings stacked. A friend likes those wax rings with the little plastic funnel like thing.
from cocoabean :
People are buying furnace filters to make into masks. Ridiculous. They won't work, the only safety is distance and hand washing. The media is a big part of these stupid ideas. The latest I've seen is that people with beards are more likely to have the virus. I have no idea where stupid people who pass these things around get their info. Honestly!
from whystinger :
Is the bowl or tank that is draining down or both? If it is the tank, check the flapper valve and watch the water level adjustment. There are a few tests you can do...
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better soon. I need to catch up with your diary. More later.
from howlingwind :
I can relate. I'm finding motivation hard these days because I don't really see anything I want in the future if I keep on this path. But I'm not sure how to get off of this path.
from cocoabean :
did you change your pw?
from whystinger :
It was a very strange dream, especially when you realize while you are dreaming that it was a dream, but one in which you have visited before in a different story perhaps.
from whystinger :
Ice on a fire ant bite does help too, or helps on most stings anyway as it helps stop the itching. As for patterns, noticing patterns does help diagnose things.
from linguafranca :
If you want some of mine I’ll be glad to send it once it’s going good. Skip that first boring month or two when the starter has no flavor.
from whystinger :
For some reason, that leg was awesome. One glimpse and I wanted her.
from whystinger :
I often leave a task until I either have the energy for it, get tired of it or feel like completing that task.
from howlingwind :
Yeah I'm not sure what I believe anymore. Maybe some kind of dynamic interplay between what we believe about ourselves, the world, the people around us, etc. and what other people believe etc. that is creating what we see and experience? I feel like I need to do more testing and experimenting to see what happens when I do XYZ...blah blah blah. How's that for a philosophy?
from whystinger :
Let me know how "writing in the future" works for you, as I may try that. I get a few pieces of stories in my head and was thinking or writing down the pieces to see if I can do something with them later. I thought I started on one such, but can't find the file... You did mention Cherry on another page. Maybe the approach would be "had a crush on you back in..." Maybe... (or maybe I should stay out of it). I look at my HS crushes and most of them came and went but there may be one or two I would still have something for. Sorry about the dog peeing, I wonder why he is doing it? Almost like he's marking.
from whystinger :
I don't know if I should put the sarcastic message here that I want to... Entry brought back memories of Honi and her excuses...
from linguafranca :
You’re right, it’s not entirely on me, but he works and I am the one hanging around the house all day and while anyone would say it wasn’t aimed at me specifically, I take it as such given that fact and also her beliefs about gender roles that surface continually. She would certainly say “well he could do it too” but I would be first on the list of those expected to do so.
from whystinger :
I agree with what you said about SSI, that was my argument with Brian and friend - if you don't pay in to it, you don't get it unless it is attached to a parent or someone who did pay into it. I had a "semi-illegal alien friend who probably gets SSI as he paid into the system for 25 years. He was semi-illegal as he lost his green card and had difficulty replacing it. The issue was on his home country and not the U. S. Oh, he paid taxes, had a SS# or TIN# and filed his taxes each year, so he was entitled to what he paid into it. He has been legal for about 20 years now. They (Brian and Friend) claim I am wrong about having had to put into SSI. I don't know the brother's situation, but he may be on disability or something. Brian may be lying to fire up my friend too. I also researched and read the SSI rules so I would know for sure and not be mislead by those bulshit posts... Thanks!
from whystinger :
I finally got back on and read through three of your days. Definitely the sunshine and moving brush helped you. Little Debbie didn't hurt and sleep rocks for depression. Well, sleep and exercise. I will have to fill you in later about my sleep experience. Gotta go.
from linguafranca :
Not from me, I think I’ve pretty well proven that. Unless you’d like one?
from linguafranca :
Oh man I can relate to that.
from whystinger :
Wow, lots to mention but may miss a few. I am sorry that today was a bad day and it is understandable after reading about O's text. Is he ignorant or playing with or torturing you or just refuses to let go? I never doubted bisexuality but recently have seen folks who now claim it isn't real and they start in with the shit "about 89 different genders." A few Therapists I follow mention how "gender isn't always hard and fast and is more fluid..." so I believed their thoughts, then you educated me on pansexual, which supported their thoughts on the subject... Your first love - wow, quite the realization for you. That is progress on that (I'm probably not articulating it well).
from cocoabean :
Your mother is right. I've known some really dumb geniuses. It's not the number, it's how you apply it to your life. And there are different IQ tests, which will give different scores for the same person. Just proof that the number is irrelevant in intelligence.
from howlingwind :
Yeah, I'm a tryin. Stay warm. :-)
from cocoabean :
Until you get propane, an electric blanket would keep you toasty!
from cocoabean :
Maybe it was just your brain sorting things out. Pointing out what you needed to do soon, and then eventually.
from whystinger :
Interesting entry on Jan 15, 2020. I had a few thoughts but they evaporated. Something about that entry - something about you. Strength is growing in you, clawing for excellence I think. The Four Agreements come to mind. "Always do your best." Bear in mind, our best changes and the entry on the 15 tells me that you are finding how to aways do your best.
from cocoabean :
Good for nephew for staying where he is to finish school. He can't be independent without it!
from musikoid :
Oh okay. At least it's not theft, then. Hope it works out for the best.
from cocoabean :
I totally don't get why people don't litter train small inside dogs. Seems like a good choice if you work long stretches outside the house...
from musikoid :
You had some trouble with your copyrights? (Sorry, just saw the note below and freaked. It's a total fear of mine that people will steal my stuff, especially music I wrote when I lived outdoors and had no computer, so everything I was composing could often be clearly heard, and once I even saw a grim-faced person with a smartphone recording me by my Spot.) Anyway, yeah it kinda surprised me that I stayed sober-minded enough to focus throughout the events and show no inner freaking. About the first guy, when he would go into the rage, he also would lose control of his body language and speech patterns in a way that made me wonder if he had just woke up out of a ten day meth binge. It was that KIND of control-loss. But I don't want to put that on him, because he kept talking about PTSD and a head injury, and there's probably something going on with him neurologically. But like I said in my email reply, those kinds of things happened a lot more often when I was on the streets, and I was at times the transmitter of such negativity, not always the receiver. It all blended into the overall Homeless Chaos. So if I think I've gotten "soft," at least I've become emotionally temperate enough to exercise real time patience, rather than just fight or flight. Thanks for engaging.
from whystinger :
Definitely consider getting your copyrights back, especially if you don't get your royalties.
from whystinger :
:-D>
from whystinger :
It was complicated, but made me think.
from whystinger :
So I must have shared my thoughts of doing some drawing at the brewery and sketching one of the bartenders. I actually wanted to draw two of them. Tara who quit was one as she had some really well defined legs, which would be a challenge and Sara, from one of the pictures she showed me (not nude). About the beading. Honi did a lot of beading and liked to do multi-stranded work and hers was excellent. I got into making earrings with whatever beads caught my fancy. I still have a ton of beads to use up. I will share some sketches when I get going with it.
from whystinger :
I realized tonight after having to go way back and re-read stuff that I may not have commented about a lot of things. I have a lot of comments to say, but forgot them all, ha ha ha. About the shoes and back pain, I do understand that and especially the metaphor for the abusive relationships. That took me back a bit (in my past). One of your entries reminded me that I am thinking of getting back into making earrings (beaded earrings) as a segway back into drawing (the creative outlet). Your diary is testament to much progress and healing. The painting is impressive well both of them actually and got me thinking perhaps I should take a class and try. I did not know you used to do more but perhaps this is a sign that you should start up the portraits again, as someone stopped you. That got me wondering about Honi and her beading. She was good at it and when I started getting good at making earrings, she stopped. Did she stop on her own or did she choose to stop to stop me?
from whystinger :
Shit! I did it again and wrote you a note on my messages... sorry. I wasn't quite close enough to see Ms. Luxurious Hair's lips and look for the lines, but they were pretty good looking from where I was and that hair... I couldn't see her boobs or much of her thin legs to see if she was shapely. Still, I am interested in meeting and interacting with some women. I think that is a good sign.
from whystinger :
Do a web search for Jessica Paré and look at the size of her mouth when she is smiling Ms. Luxurious's mouth is a large like that, maybe a bit larger. No, the thought that I wanted to discuss with my Therapist was a possible pattern on some of how I choose women and not about her mouth. Oh, I just got a glimpse of it back. I had better write it down. BTW, I want to catch up on your diary and tried a few times today, but I need my full attention to read it today for some reason.
from cocoabean :
Try Crocs. They aren't all the wide toed ones you see, they have some nice styles, and good support for your feet.
from whystinger :
Sometimes the skill level may or may not be there, but one has to try even if they fail, as it will usually be a learning experience. I did that tonight using a pasta machine to make dough for pierogies. I really don't know what I was doing, other than following direction, so I started trying different things to see what would turn out. I managed to figure out a few things and more will come with more experience. Trust your judgement and try that painting. I believe you have quite a bit of talent. Thanks for the texts and vote of confidence the other night. I think you are right and I shouldn't be limited due to the age of those ladies - after all, they are 30 somethings and are adults, in charge of their own lives.
from cocoabean :
That's why I only look at FB once a week or so. I've snoozed a lot of people and it's much more enjoyable. It's not a political forum!
from whystinger :
I agree with you about social media, I have contemplated dropping off of FB for a while to take a break and possibly coming off permanently. I do have a few friends who have either come off completely or unfriended everyone except their family. If I came off FB, I would gain a lot of free time, plus FB is an identity thief's dream. That is why I took my real photo off of my profile.
from whystinger :
You are right... about having fun. This was during our text conversation while I was at the Brewery last night. Not sure if I will put a note in my diary or email to you. Thank you!
from whystinger :
I am glad that you didn't get more damage from the tornado and hopefully it wasn't a direct hit (think it was close). While you are not happy about your feelings, they are normal. You had a very close call and that sucks. Embrace your feelings, feel them and then let them pass. Your feelings were/are normal.
from whystinger :
That is definitely growth and breaking a pattern. Sounds like he did the right thing, which you knew as soon as you found out the reason why. Even if this doesn't work out, you found someone with the right priorities perhaps.
from whystinger :
Read latest entry for the second time today. Depression does sneak up on us and sometimes we really don't notice it until it begins to pass or worsen. I was doing well, but haven't done much exercising, so I am wondering where I am in the potential cycle.
from whystinger :
Thank you!
from cocoabean :
Have you ever gone to Devil's Tower? I got that same feeling there.....
from howlingwind :
YAY for impending divorce and future freedom! :-)
from cocoabean :
Man, if I'd made my son sleep in the car, he would have been gone the next morning.
from linguafranca :
Then it is yours.
from cocoabean :
You should be angry. And if S decides to come back, will you trust him? This will get better...
from cocoabean :
Wordy, go on with your life. Be strong, be good to yourself, and move past this. No one *really* knows what he's thinking, so do what is right for you. Be objective and view the situation and you will see what needs to happen. You can do it!
from whystinger :
You definitely are a badass! I read a ton and there is a lot in my head to be said, but don't know if I can get it out. I am sorry to hear that things went sideways with S. I don't know what to think about it except to make some guesses and that wouldn't help. My first thought was to say "maybe it was this or maybe that happened, then I realized that would be no help. I am here if I can help in some way. Don't give up, keep your chin up because YOU made the decision to not accept less than YOU DESERVE and that is powerful. As far as dating a woman? Why not? Give yourself some time to heal and look around but don't give up. A former acquaintance identified as straight, but she dated women when between guys or when most of the guys she encountered were assholes. Hugs.
from cocoabean :
good for you!
from howlingwind :
Sending you - you can get through this - vibes. Sorry woman. Yeah, I don't want to be one of those chicks who says all men suck but...they disappoint. Is anybody in a good relationship? I don't know anyone who is. But I don't know many people. You probably do know someone who is?
from howlingwind :
Sorry your brain keeps attacking you. :-(
from howlingwind :
Yes, it would be nice to be part of a family that is genuinely supportive and that didn't make you feel like you need to watch your back all the time. But I guess I chose this husband for a reason. Meh. Sorting out my not so awesome karma I guess. :-/
from linguafranca :
Haha, yeah, I signed up for the one Lyra posted and then...ahhhh you have to sign up for a financial thing before you can even start the store and then I did all that and got to the store and it was like, you gonna use PayPal? Btw your domain name won’t go here. Do a technical thing. And I kind of broke down before I even got to the writing and uploading pics part.
from whystinger :
I read from 10/10 to 10/18 and had a lot to comment on, but it sort of evaporated. I am intrigued by your relationship with S and I think it is great, I feel joy for you with what S brings to your life. I detect a growth thing going on with the swimming and not quite reaching the boat. One thing to realize - you are keeping at it. Frustrated, yes, but still clawing your way. Growth and growing. Painful but good. I am going to the Microbrewery tonight to see if she has those short-shorts on... and
from linguafranca :
They’re not that clean, actually. But no, I promise I won’t jump in front of a bus. Messy business.
from whystinger :
Interesting entry - you are feeling shitty but you also had a great family get together. I have begun to catch up on my reading. Things seem on the up and up for you.
from linguafranca :
Good point. People are still into words. The issue is that I can’t bring myself to put “inspirational” words on things any more, and I don’t know how much gift shops will want to sell $50 necklaces that say “fuck it”. Gotta segment that market. Yeet
from whystinger :
I was thinking the same thing - she has no right to tell anyone to stay away from her adult children and I considered telling her to piss off, but I also thought, perhaps that is what she wants - so she has a reason to bitch about me. When I went to look at the vehicle with him, she seemed pleased, but then found out we both decided it was a major piece of shit, she felt that "the two of you should make a project out of it for fun." I replied that we could have fun with either his existing project of my project vehicle. She really wanted me at her birthday party, but I think perhaps she was not happy I struck up a friendship with the son. Something is amiss there and I need to be wary. Thanks for the birthday wishes, I don't remember either as it was a screwed up week.
from howlingwind :
Uh oh. The mysterious butt dial.
from linguafranca :
❤️🌈❤️🌈❤️
from howlingwind :
Ouch. Sorry you're out of commission for now. :-(
from howlingwind :
How does the RFB stay with Mr. DH? Surely it must be a rocky ride? It is RFB right? Anyhoo - too many DHs in the world.
from cocoabean :
Everyone is judgmental in some way. I knew one person who said she wasn't but made fun of everyone and would diss people behind their backs. everyone thought she was great except the people she'd hurt.
from cocoabean :
No haven't made the fudge yet. I'm trying not to eat sugar..
from cocoabean :
Last time I took my car in for an oil change they told me I needed struts.. $1300. That won't happen until I get the money in hand, and I will have time to ask around to people who know cars but aren't bidding for the job. Not really sure I need them.
from linguafranca :
Even knowing exactly what you meant beforehand, I read “fuck it’s my tranny” and thought, “well that is an unexpected and unnecessary slur!”
from howlingwind :
Sorry the emotions are such a struggle. I know I give too much unsolicited advice but the EFT works for me. It works best when I am an emotional wreck, slobber crying and such, so there is that. Okay, I will not nag about it again. I promise. I hope your brain gives you a break.
from whystinger :
Hang in there, things will get better and keep trying what may work. I'm looking for my real estate papers so I can get a permit for my shed and in the process, recycled two reams of paper...
from cocoabean :
Yay!! Yay!! and triple Yay!!
from linguafranca :
Wow, that was bad. Your response was fairly restrained, I’d say. Again, good for you.
from cocoabean :
But you need to send me the recipe for that fudge....
from cocoabean :
Dont know that I would let Dickhead up on the roof with nails and a hammer... he will probably make more holes!
from howlingwind :
O sounds a lot like my friend's narcissist. Yes, cut him off. That's the only way to go. They like to keep people in their collection for continuing narc supply. Don't let him. Or maybe he's just a standard ahole. Either way - cut him off.
from cocoabean :
You can do that! My ex sent me birthday cards for years after I moved out. Maybe he missed me, I don't know or care. I think he just wanted me to call so he could lay a guilt trip on me. I haven't called. You can do it too!
from linguafranca :
You can do that. If you find yourself doubting it, come ask me and I’ll tell you.
from linguafranca :
I agree about the group...it’s really good to have different perspectives and stuff. Glad everyone is getting along so well!
from cocoabean :
Jeebus. He fits his name!
from howlingwind :
Yeah, I don't know. I feel like I'm stuck in a couple of Catch-22 situations and I haven't got the brainpower or energy to work my way out of them and not sure what I would want/do if I did manage to work my way out of them. I'm too old to be this confused. Meh.
from linguafranca :
That pain...doesn’t sound good. Hope you have some relief from it soon.
from whystinger :
Continue being anal about the cleanliness of the car - it is worth it. Vacuum the carpet in there often and keep it clean. It will wear much better if clean.
from whystinger :
I know that you have been busy! Yes, going to go through with the surgery.
from whystinger :
Gotta watch to make sure you eat and keep hydrated when working hard. Cheers!
from cocoabean :
I would either talk to his boss or another realtor... the one you are working with is a stumbling block.
from linguafranca :
Thanks, and it isn’t personal over your post in particular. Not like I don’t want people to love their mothers. It just comes from everywhere. And the expectations. You know.
from whystinger :
Yes, taking a friend or friends to the movie with me is not "taking myself to the movies..." but the more the merrier. LOL. Good point but either taking myself to the movies or going with friends is good. Cheers, YOU. I was going to reach out the other day, now I wish I did.
from whystinger :
I've been needing to take myself to the movies. Maybe I will invite my high-school friend and her husband. The rider who lost the brother must have felt drained along with all else he was feeling.
from whystinger :
I still wonder if she knew the salad was not in good condition. I think she did know as she took time to really arrange the spinach and the fact that the menu didn't list spinach and she substituted the spinach for what lettuce mix was listed on the menu. I have a hard time believing that she did that on purpose, but she did recognize me from a trip before and asked "didn't you eat here before? Said you work in this area every month or so?" I figure she felt she could dump the rotted spinach on my thinking I was not local and if she lost my business, no worries. What a way to do business. I should have called the local health department and told them I got sick from their food. The health dept will cite a restaurant if they don't list a date for certain thing. My friend with a restaurant talks about that.
from howlingwind :
It's like people telling you "You should feel guilty and selfish because you're not doing what I want you to do!" Maybe that's not really the sentiment you're expressing? I'm probably projecting my own stuff on to things. There is a TED X talk called "Why you need to be a bitch" done by Tabatha Coffey. You might like it if you haven't seen it already.
from howlingwind :
My aunt always liked me and hated my mom. She was sort of cool in her own crazy way. But I feel like this trip is mainly a way for my mom to make it look like she cared. It's just a very ick energy. My mom and her guilting and shaming - and how she did it to my aunt and all of us. Everyone thinks she's the nicest mom ever - she just doesn't get why people resent her. Everything happens for a reason - she's my mom for a reason - hmm - not sure if either of us is learning the lesson we're supposed to learn in this lifetime. Stubborn souls we are I guess.
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the new to you car purchase! :-)
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note, Wordy, and for indulging my recent entries, both good and bad. Made my morning, to be honest with you. All I know in the meds is that it's almost a month now, and I somehow have managed not to flush them all down the toilet in a fit of disgust, despuite my M.O. I'll see the doc on Friday and complain first. Thanks again & have a blessed day. The Big Day may be Tonight.
from whystinger :
You are fighting the anxiety of it all and growing/getting healtier. I think this is going to be great for you!
from linguafranca :
We all deserve at least one like that...more than one if possible. ;)
from linguafranca :
That all sounds miserable. Hope the antibiotics get the ear pain under control quickly.
from howlingwind :
I'd miss you too. :-)
from cocoabean :
I would love an invitation to start a new diary.. if you can figure out how!
from cocoabean :
Yay!! Glad you had a great time!
from linguafranca :
Awww, that sounds so wonderful. ❤️
from whystinger :
Enjoy New Orleans, see some Jazz, eat some oysters and people watch! I am sorry that we were not able to meet up Friday and Saturday.
from howlingwind :
Yay for making cash and defeating anxiety! :-)
from linguafranca :
Yayyyyy! *high five*
from whystinger :
Oops, yes, I got home late and didn't reach out.
from howlingwind :
Get on the booch train! Or not. Whatever floats your boat, or chooches your train. You can make your booch alcoholic if you want. Just sayin. Sorry the house purchase has gotten more complicated.
from whystinger :
Wait, he's shitting on the seat now? WTF, I fucking hate that. I wish people would check and at least have the decency to clean it off. It probably means he doesn't wipe his ass... OMG, that FUCKING SUCKS!
from linguafranca :
At least one of you can recognize a clear sign to move on when you see it.
from musikoid :
Not waking per se: Matthew 18:9 - "And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away!" One can extrapolate as to other bodily organs from there.
from musikoid :
D-Land isn't given me a direct url for it, but if you want to go to the one called "Let's All Shit or Get off the Pot" and have any particular insights or laughter you wish to share, I'd be gratified. I won't delete this one until you do. Hope you're well.
from linguafranca :
Woken a dozen times?! How have you not murdered him in his sleep by now?
from cocoabean :
Dickhead's not going with??
from whaleart :
Your profile alone makes me curious about your journal. I've thought of locking mine, but leaving the pass on my profile -- just to weed out the under-18, and the family/friends who find my link, and wouldn't know how to navigate the site to the profile.
from howlingwind :
Hooray for (possible) house!!!
from linguafranca :
Thanks for the shoutout! And you know damn well you’ve been more than helpful.
from howlingwind :
Thanks woman. Good luck with the casa purchasing. :-)
from cocoabean :
that would be a home equity loan, but I doubt she would get one now... but it's worth a try!
from cocoabean :
SOOOO.... O broke up with the new one and he's come back to you? And he will be back until he finds someone else...
from whystinger :
I just caught up reading on your diary. Wow, it is late and I can't really articulate much.
from musikoid :
Whew. I'm starting to get better because I see my part in it. Let's all pray I don't make the same mistakes in January that I did in December. Shalom.
from musikoid :
(Note copied from Musikoid Notes page after I again wiped my template to conceal my entries.) @Jack, just sent you an email. @Everyone my entries were reflecting too much bitterness and rancor for me to want any of you guys to have to put up with them. I'm going to have to really get with the people at my church and see if there's *some* way that at least we can collectively solve my perennial problem with food insecurity, because it was only heightened over the holidaze, with everybody taking vacations and stores shutting down as usual. Between my poor mental health and all the inconveneinces of ongoing abject poverty, I don't seem to be able to get it together in our society to have food in my cupboard 30 days a month. It's demoralizing, I'm tired of groveling. They keep recommending psychiatric drugs, and that would be fine were it not for the fact that every one of my damned problems is solved by FOOD and no psych med on Earth can provide it. It just seems that food is such a basic human need, it's fucking sick that we poor people have to kiss butts and stand in long-ass lines to get it. Anyway my mood will improve next time I eat, for sure. I might delete this note later, as well as all my entries, not to mention my damned worthless [TMI] I called Idaho Suicide Prevention but my laryngitis combined with the fact that I screamed my ass off in a rage outside the Co-Op earlier today has my voice thrashed. I notice I become temporarily better after I read a chapter in the Bible (if I hit the right one) so I'll go back to doing that. Just another long Dark Night of the Soul.
from linguafranca :
That is FANTASTIC about the auction! Yayayay!
from howlingwind :
Thanks chica. :-) Have a Happy New Year!
from musikoid :
And your take on the condescending church lady is remarkably right on. She's one of the richest people in the church. On the upside, she has also contributed significantly to my project from time to time, and so it's aroused all my class issues. One thing that irks me is how when some people kick down the dough, they expect you to kiss their royal butts for the rest of their days, sometimes to the extent of asking you to abandon your entire system of values. My present system of values was hard-earned on the streets, and I don't take to that crap very well. Anyway, it was a combination of multiple triggers, and I'm glad to have received your affirming support. Sending my love.
from musikoid :
Thanks for your supportive note. About the huggy woman whom they put in charge of the Center, it's not only that I myself am not particularly "touchy feely," as I imagine you'd have guessed by now. It's that I had already lost a chunk of respect for her when she ratted on a friend of mine in recovery who is Court-ordered and had a slip, thus breaking her anonymity in the program, and then made a vain show of lecturing everyone about confidentiality, as if she had not just broken somebody's confidence herself. It was such an obvious smokescreen, that when combined with my noting that this is one of those people who can never admit to their own wrongdoing, I had already decided to distance myself from this individual and from the Center. So it was particularly odious that she made me step all the way over to the other side of the building to hug her, when I was at that moment obviously trying to get out the door.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Wordy. Pray for me, too, for love and strength. I'm also amazed at how many people are praying right now. God's love to you all.
from whystinger :
Marital PTSD. Interesting and something one could chew on and analyze and it makes sense. The relationship sounds a bit dicey, but no risk, no reward. As there are no guarantees and there is risk of heartbreak, only you can make the decision as to its worth. This may just be the think to get you back in the game. Heartbreak heals.
from whystinger :
Perhaps I need to edit my entry and expand it a bit. I didn't buy into the "love is a choice" thing except I felt that perhaps that was an attempt to manipulate me and the situation. She frequently told me "I love you." When I didn't reciprocate, she once asked me if I had difficulty telling my family that I loved them and I told her "no, I don't have difficulty telling family or lovers that I loved them. I told my Mom that I loved her when I talked to her earlier and I would tell my ex-wife that I loved her..." She felt that I was "hard" and also that I had built a wall around myself. I simply didn't want to get involved with her even though I was attracted to her. Now that was a choice - I didn't want another long distance romance where I can only see someone a few times a year and have to fly to see them. You also know some of the other reasons I didn't want to get involved and perhaps there are a few more reasons that I don't remember if I posted. Anyway, I believe the statement that "love is a choice" was meant to move me in a favorable direction. If I remember correctly, she mentioned that when I was trying to pull away and had made myself scarce. I also forgot to mention the former cop I met - she was a bit intriguing too. The dark haired woman is very intriguing!
from whystinger :
Setting goals is really effective and a good thing. I need to do a better job with setting goals and getting things done. I too, need to put some things on eBay and hopefully I will be participating in my neighbor's garage sale - it is an opportunity to get rid of clutter and raise a bit of cash. I have already decided to sequester any cash raised and set it aside for funding an upcoming project (same with the eBay proceeds). The one woman at work whom I used to chat with a lot tells me she won't put stuff on eBay unless she is putting ten items on. I probably have ten to twenty items to put on eBay...
from whystinger :
Growth is definitely good unless it is a tumor or mole... LOL
from whystinger :
Yes, at some point she stopped chastising me about my language but I probably was a lot more careful about my language choices too. I did make it clear that I was not in love and also made it clear that I didn't want another long distance relationship. She did text me and say something to the effect of "I think I may have pushed you into this after you told me your wishes." She also added a "please forgive me" and the "Fuck you" came after I said something like don't worry about it, there is nothing to forgive you for. It may have been that she also did a H'oponopono and got pissed because I did't saw that I forgave her.
from whystinger :
I had to dig through my archives for some information for my job resume. I found a comment that I should have copied and also looked for why I mad it. Something to the effect of "despite what Wordwhore says about my taste in women, I like..." Boy that has me curious now.
from whystinger :
She (C. Linda) did say something about my language for a while, but it dropped off. I was surprised to get the "Fuck You Wyatt" and while I wanted to respond (as I normally would), I didn't. For some reason it was a nice place to draw the line and not respond. She has sort of reached out one time with a Snapchat but I didn't bite. I am not sure of V's part in all of this and after a while I will reach out to V for some advice on a different matter. If she won't help with that, then I will know she had a larger involvement. V and C. Linda were roommates at the seminar in Mexico, so they bonded tightly and V thinks the world of C. Linda. I keep remembering the homework and reading assignments she tried to get me to do, so she could "prepare you (me) for the love I was about to receive." I should have stopped entertaining things sooner, but it was entertaining and a diversion.
from whystinger :
There were some awesome victories in the elections, whether or not folks will acknowledge it. In Florida they are fighting over recounts and that reminds me of "hanging chads" from the old punch pin ballots. There was change and both sides (Republican and Democrat) are stirred up and that brings change, definitely feel positive about it. Nothing wrong with cooking seven different vegetables in the same pot as long as one is stewing them or making soup...
from musikoid :
Haha thanks. And thanks for noting me now. I'm going to one a day for some not-yet-specified number of days, and your note reminded me I gotta do one today. This is the 3rd day. The one yesterday was a kick in the pants, too. It's a cool exercise. :)
from musikoid :
Hey Wordy. See 'The Sonnet Project' at https://musikoid.diaryland.com/sonnet.html - I hope you get a chuckle out of it.
from cocoabean :
Not hard to miss Wall Drug.. there's about 6 zillion signs for it!
from whystinger :
Actually I wasn't beating myself up, but trying to convey what I was feeling. Wanting to be productive and watching TV instead and I was okay with taking a break. In the near past I would not feel like doing shit, but sitting in a stupor in front of the TV. I consider this some progress. The desire is there and the behaviors will follow if I keep pushing.
from howlingwind :
Yes, write that book! Oooga!
from whystinger :
O's tired of being alone... and that was one of your major complaints (I remember it well). For some reason that put me back into thinking of what I went through with Honi and there was a term for that, was it mirroring? Sort of a mirroring/gaslighting combination? I should look for my old books and see, but that is a tactic, where they take our complaints and feed them back to us... I was lonely in my marriage but it was different from being alone now, if that makes sense. I wonder if it isn't a game or manipulation from him?
from musikoid :
Thanks, Wordy.
from whystinger :
An indication I need to get out and meet people, especially women. The PA was very nice and attractive, but married, but I still noticed her nice skin. It probably was familiar and reminded me of my ex-wife. Certain things remind me of her and pull me in, other things remind me and push me away.
from musikoid :
Also, I think you may be right about each of us having a good self and a bad self. Throughout my life, Echo has referred to there being a "good Andy" and a "bad Andy." I definitely see a good Echo, a bad Echo, a good Jan, and a bad Jan. So maybe we can all get together and find ways that our good selves can be dominant. Glad to hear you're doing reasonably well.
from musikoid :
I did send her a variation of the first message, as you suggested, along with an explanation of other messages in the series of mixed messages I've been giving her. Of course, I never sent something like the second message -- not at that level of severity -- but as the non-communication continued to increase my anxiety, I did send messages that no doubt seemed a bit demanding. I curse myself for not simply letting go, giving her space, and enjoying life. But I was just way too hurt by the suddenness of her departure, as well as offended by what appeared to be deceitfulness on her part, that I kinda lost it. It affected my sobriety and everything. I mean, as in relapse. So I don't know what to do about that except to communicate honestly around addiction issues. And I have. I've just found that it's really difficult for people who are not alcoholics or addicts (or who are alcoholics or addicts in denial) to even comprehend, let alone believe, the statements that we recovering addicts make when we are being truthful about the extent to which this disease can dominate our thinking.
from musikoid :
As far as the blanket thing goes, and the semblance of homelessness, I might want to quote or allude your reply in a blog post. As you know, I write about my homeless experience all the time, and it seems that there's the germ of a good statement here. Let me send you either one or two further notes. (Can't do paragraphs comfortably on this field, and my newfound journalism experience is making me want to shorten them.)
from musikoid :
https://musikoid.diaryland.com/messages.html you might have insight, or interest, or something like that. Wonder how you're doing.
from howlingwind :
Waving back - 18 years - yowza!
from howlingwind :
Yeah - Fuck that Emily! Not literally I mean. Sorry life has gotten tedious for you. Start screwing things up and maybe she'll fire you. That is bad advice. Don't take it.
from cocoabean :
I get that weepy feeling when I don't get enough sleep. Maybe it's just from tiredness
from linguafranca :
Yay, festival!
from howlingwind :
I'm glad the Orange relapse has already faded. I was getting worried there. :-)
from whystinger :
Learning the ropes is always good. For example, my neighbor claims that in this area, garage sales are more productive Thursday and Friday than Saturday. I chalked it off because Saturday is his sabbath. I open Thursday when he does and it is remarkably busy. A lot of people from the flea market were coming to see what they could buy to resell at their booths. I need to see how Saturday is, but Friday was even better than Thursday.
from linguafranca :
Fingers crossed that today is not just better, but A LOT better!
from howlingwind :
Happy thoughts for art selling headed your way!
from linguafranca :
Art is fun...business is not.
from linguafranca :
That all sounds very difficult, though. <3
from whystinger :
It would be awesome if we were close enough to be wingmen for each other!
from whystinger :
I want to listen to live music and drink cold beer too. Nothing wrong with that, but like you, I am tired of going out alone...
from musikoid :
Thanks! And thanks for the RT, too. I'm proud of it, myself.
from musikoid :
This is from the guy who wrote that book I am always recommending: "Blessed Are the Weird." https://twitter.com/JacobNordby/status/1031246976447209472
from musikoid :
Thanks for your note, Wordy. The eternity in hell was a wake-up in some ways, so I'm better for it. The relationship stuff is confusing and hard to navigate. But I suppose that's par for the course. I have found both challenges are having a way of getting me to slow down, however, and consciously be more attentive of what's going on with others in my midst (rather than only in my own head.) That's probably something the Universe is welcoming - or at the very least, it appears to be welcome in my own community. It is good to hear from you, and I hope you are doing well.
from musikoid :
Two new entries up if you're down. Same user-pass. Okay for Whystinger to read too.
from whystinger :
Let me add this: you were good before, but you are even better now. That is the personal growth. Hugs.
from whystinger :
I still say that it is healthy that you unfriended O. After I left Honi, if I needed peopling and didn’t have the opportunity, I would go to the mall, take a book and read or just people watch. I found for me, it just helped to be around people. I have been wondering why I have gained 12 lbs and now I know… congrats on losing the 12, now I will give it to someone else and not you… Practice the positive feelings and try this – it is hard but can work: when you don’t feel positive, act positive anyway. “Do the behaviors and the feelings will follow…” Yes, takes practice and effort. You are a much different person, because you have grown and quite a bit and you have been more self reflective and (I can’t really articulate it) just better.
from linguafranca :
There’s an Old Chicago Pizza place like 1/4 mile from us. I wonder if it’s the same chain?
from howlingwind :
Thumbs up on things looking up. That's as articulate as I'm feeling right now. :-)
from whystinger :
I read your entry from today (8/22). I think it is healthy that you unfriended him O. I had thought that I would stay friends with my after my divorce. She unfriended me on FB during the time we worked through the divorce and I understood it. I eventually unfriended her family, not out of spite, but thought it best. I had second thoughts about staying friends with her, then my therapist had a chat with me after the divorce. She was relieved I was not staying "in touch" as it would hamper one or both from moving on. Of course he is out doing things with the new GF. He may have changed, but I doubt it. He's probably doing things she wants to do to get her hooked in. Honi did that to me (and fooled me) and he may have done that to you long ago. You are navigating this fairly well in my opinion (and on your own, I had guidance).
from linguafranca :
FWIW you could have just hid his FB feed so you’d still be friends, he could see your feed but you wouldn’t see his.
from cocoabean :
Oh the games people play!
from whystinger :
I hear Twilight zone music.... as from your note. I have had the feeling that the A/C isn't cooling enough to keep me comfortable but must be me... Maybe I just need to turn it down another degree.
from howlingwind :
Boo for a lack of neurotransmitters. If it's any consolation, I'm still "struggling on the daily" to...I don't know...what am I doing here? I was going to write some other negative things but changed the old mind-oh. Pollyanna has left the building...for now. :-/
from linguafranca :
:(
from cocoabean :
I do very little on FB; I usually check it every couple of weeks. It's a huge time suck!
from cocoabean :
You really need your own place!
from linguafranca :
:(. All that sucks, I’m sorry. Especially big sympathy for the wackadoo period. That is some bullshit right there.
from linguafranca :
Be aware that applications turned in closer to the deadline can be at a disadvantage relative to ones turned in earlier. A lot of shows go through them in order received, and if the number of slots for that category fill with the earlier applicants, that’s that. Good luck, though! Fingers crossed! So exciting.
from whystinger :
Just thinking of you.
from howlingwind :
Sorry chica :-(
from cocoabean :
I'd use those bug bombs in their room and the rest of the house when you know they'll be gone for a while.. that would get rid of them for good.
from whystinger :
Sometimes I meander and go off on tangents. I started to mention my cousin, but what I didn't tie in was she is into horses big time (dressage) and with her bipolar disorder, I wonder if that is why the horses or because she grew up on a farm. Hard to say. Can't remember if I had been visiting Dickel or not... if so, it wasn't too much.
from whystinger :
The swing is a great idea and do wrap it. the motion can be soothing and not just to the Autistic folks. I recall a conversation with our former couple's therapist when she was talking about her horses and how the rocking motion of the horses gait is soothing, especially to some suffering from some mental illness. Then I remembered my cousin who battles bipolar disorder. Honi's depression/anxiety was also soothed by rocking. As for your Dad's diagnosis, it could have definitely changed over the years. I don't know if the doctors would update the diagnosis or not, but his diagnosis could definitely change. As it was, evidently Honi's diagnosis changed from clinical depression to anxiety disorder and, of course, she fits many of the BPD traits, albeit very high functioning*. Disclaimer* she did not have an official diagnosis of BPD. While she didn't have an official diagnosis, she did fit many of the traits. Lunatic Fringe - remember the song with that same title by Red Rider? When I first heard it, I didn't hear the words lunatic fringe, I heard "when you take reds" Reds = secobarbital... Yass, good meandering in this note or is it tied in nicely?
from howlingwind :
Yes, all those subtle and not so subtle ways that people show/tell/convince you that you don't matter. Try speaking a healthy round of "I matter. I matter. I matter." It's definitely triggering for me.
from cocoabean :
You're right, people don't see emotional abuse until they've been there.
from whystinger :
More contrast...You like Lizzo, I like Lzzy. I listened to Lizzo and I am surprised she isn't much more popular. I liked what I heard with the two songs of Lizzo's that I heard tonight. Of course, Lzzy Hale and Halestorm is a much different genre, but I liker them too. You have steered me toward some great music lately.
from whystinger :
I am not entirely sure of what you are saying but this may be something to explore because you may be right two of the different ways I could see from the note..
from howlingwind :
Well, perhaps you should just imagine yourself exercising. It may have some benefit. My laptop does the same thing with moving the cursor mid-sentence. Mine does it because my hand always hits the mouse pad which is very inconveniently placed. I've always got to keep my palm from hitting it. Irksome. Always good to realize/remember how lame/unsuitable exes are/were.
from whystinger :
I need to catch up on reading and this week won't be it. I do understand your meaning with habituations and that is probably a good description. It was definitely something I learned or was highly reinforced during my marriage. I still at times deny that she was abusive, as it would come and go. the hardest part is it became normalized, which makes it common and harder to believe. It makes one look inside and they can be skilled to make us believe that we were the cause (sole cause) and it was none their fault. I have some thoughts on Cosita Linda and need to get them down here before I forget them. Thanks.
from howlingwind :
Okay - here's me making annoying suggestions - are you taking a multivitamin? My opinion on synthetic vitamins waivers but they are cheap and they seem to have helped me in the past with issues of bad periods, super-tiredness, and super soreness. Okay - annoying suggestion time over.
from howlingwind :
Yeah, I don't see Bourdain as a guy who would commit suicide at all. Something is fishy. If you're super sore then you should let your body recover. Try doing some breathing exercises maybe. I don't know. I have heard that when you lose weight - you breath it out through your lungs. Ha. I don't know. Just an idea.
from howlingwind :
Yes, job hunting: I will pretend that I want this crap job and you will decide if I'm worthy of your crap job. Meh.
from cocoabean :
I agree, job hunting sucks. Good luck!
from howlingwind :
Good job on the ejercicios! :-)
from whystinger :
I have an idea why you aren't sleeping. I think it is good that you re-start the exercises. You will need to keep it up for at least six weeks to get the benefits. I think that will also help with the eye deal. This is the pot calling the kettle black, as I need to do the same. I am having trouble keeping to an exercise program and I am starting slow due to the vocal cord procedure, but I need to push through it also. Let's see if this notes sticks, the last one did not. Hugs.
from wordwhore :
The revolution will not be televised.
from linguafranca :
That sounds thoroughly miserable, ugh.
from whystinger :
I can't imagine an adult or a child over the age of five not flushing the fucking toilet. This puzzles the shit out of me (no pun intended). I feel for you.
from whystinger :
Go ahead and paraphrase it. I should post it to my FB page too (in my writing).
from linguafranca :
That’s a good sign.
from howlingwind :
Yes, it all seems so blah lately. :-(
from cocoabean :
hey whats your email?
from linguafranca :
Ahahaha...at least I know you’ll cut me some slack about emailing you constantly about it. We’re brain twins or something. Seriously, I am especially grateful for your friendship these days. Thank you. <3
from cocoabean :
If you need to finish the story, finish it. Maybe you can find someone other that MF to get it to the produers, or whoever. Is dland going away?
from whystinger :
Of course I would love the Cuda. Problem is he probably wants more for it than I have to spend.
from linguafranca :
Haha. Jeez, you can tell how closely I’m paying attention! Smh
from linguafranca :
I forgot to say happy birthday, because I’m a self centered jerk! Um, happy belated birthday!
from whystinger :
Oops, never mind, I read back a bit and found the answers. Hope you enjoy Nash Con
from whystinger :
Wow O stopped paying on the house or is unemployed or? Does not sound good. You in TX? I was in Dallas last this week for a few action packed days. I hope you enjoy nash con. I remember when you went to cons frequently. I think you will enjoy it. I didn't know that O had a Barracuda. What year is it?
from howlingwind :
Well, I'm sure that an emotional breakdown burns some calories, so - bonus. Sorry your group turned sucktastic so quickly. Facebook often boggles my mind - not sure if it was a FB group you were talking about though. Let the brain heal. Let's blame the Zuck.
from linguafranca :
Oh man. That all sounds miserable. I’m sorry people are such assholes.
from howlingwind :
Thumbs up. :-)
from howlingwind :
Yes, I used to have one of those bikes and it was indeed hard on the buttocks.
from cocoabean :
So dickhead got busted!
from whystinger :
Once again, I had to catch up on your diary so no, I had not read the latest... or did I before tonight? I am having focusing troubles lately.
from whystinger :
Awesome, changing your reactions to both O and MF can be a game changer. I'm half expecting you to hand O "Scream Free" and start working.
from whystinger :
I heard about the interview OJ did with Judith Regan and heard part of it. OJ's attorney said Judith was leading him and that it was to sell his book. I heard no leading or guiding. I used to spend a lot of time listening to Judith Regan and I don't think she would lead him. OJ was definitely saying "I remember holding the knife. I remember..." and reciting it like it was from his memory and not an (allegedly) fiction book.
from linguafranca :
That sounds incredibly frustrating. Don’t do anything that you’re not proud of. Stay faithful to your own vision.
from whystinger :
Sometimes you have to play it by ear and hope the solution comes. Other times you have to follow your head or your heart and sometimes ya gotta just do what they say and hope for the best. No good advice here.
from howlingwind :
Sorry about MF annoyingness and happy for better Orange man communication :-)
from linguafranca :
UGH
from cocoabean :
Yay!!
from whystinger :
May 10, 2018 2nd entry. I have been getting this (incomplete answers to questions or tossing out multiple choice answers) a lot lately and it is really aggravating.
from whystinger :
Weight, eating and fitness. I don't remember if I have written much about it lately, but I am struggling with it. I have been eating a lot of tree nuts, which are calorie dense and my appetite has been hard to control in the evening. The main problem is that I eat dinner and I keep snacking until I go to bed. I have cranked up the exercise as a way to get it under control - not to simply burn off the calories, but as a way to get something under control and bring the eating under control. It is helping but it isn't easy and it sure is taking its own sweet time. I have my suspicions about some of what is causing this for me and that is why the increased exercise. Actually, I am trying to get some exercise on a consistent basis. On another note, why am I just learning about Elle King??? Thanks for mentioning Dorothy, I think you may have mentioned Dorothy before but I listened last night... and like it.
from howlingwind :
Good luck girlie :-) Big ass titties! :-P I apologize if that was in any way offensive.
from linguafranca :
Ooh, luck! Any word on how it went?
from howlingwind :
You might want to try avoiding the gluten. I guess everyone's body is different - but since avoiding it, I'm having trouble maintaining my weight. It keeps going down. I dunno. Worth a try anyway.
from whystinger :
So, since I am being cautious and pulling away from her, am I not on the same page with you and Vxxen? Or am I not pulling away fast enough? LOL. Yes, I want to get involved with dating and other social things. I do still stop at the bar, but the bar owner and bartenders feel that looking in the bars are not that productive... so I have started researching dating and dating apps. :-D
from whystinger :
Im not sure which program you are following, but here is what I have learned (my opinion). Eat less (but not too much less) and move more. Stay off the scale. When Honi and I did Weight watchers and I watched the scale, I was not happy. Noting would change for 2-3 weeks then bam! I would drop. I also gained weight as I LOST INCHES. If you can, stay off the scale and just work and notice as the clothes start getting looser. I am gaining now so I have to get my shit back under control. Oh, if you eat too little, you will lose muscle mass and not fat! I went to my WW counselor one time and she looked at my log, then kept saying "I told you, ya gotta eat all your points." I wasn't eating my bonus points and when I did, I dropped. Still, it is a funny thing. I am glad that you are doing it for you, your health. I finally went out for a run during lunch today.
from whystinger :
I do remember the Bill Clinton sex scandals. What is most memorable is that his supporters chose to ignore the scandals and his "non-supporters" made the most noise. Same with Trump - his supporters are ignoring it or even cheering him on and his non-supporters are making the noise. As a dyed in the wool Democrat told me about Clinton "they all do it. Kennedy did it. You will see, they all do it so it doesn't matter." It matters to me. What is wrong is wrong, whether it is Trump, Bill Clinton or whomever. I am not happy about it, just that I have given up saying much about it because the supporters will keep supporting and the non-supporters will continue their position. On of the reasons I hate politics.
from whystinger :
I do share your concerns about cosita linda. When I say she is genuine, I mean she seems genuine in all of her feelings and what she says, but I don't think she is in love - that still seems like infatuation to me. Oh, perhaps she loves me like one loves a friend. I have that feeling for her (along with attraction) and also for others I spent time with in our group from the event in Mexico. Her love is just too quick. Love generally takes time to grow. We are on the same page here (you and I)
from linguafranca :
I’m not sure if the line between “significantly less” and “ridiculously minuscule”. So far I’m eating a meal at noon— my veggie sauté with some protein thrown in— and dinner with the fam, same food but only one small portion. I think it might be like 1000 calories max most days. They say that’s not enough. On the other hand, I don’t exercise at all apart from lunges and stretching. Obsessing over a body part...not really. I just want to be a couple sizes smaller in general. It’s not unhealthy, I don’t think...yet. Watch this space.
from whystinger :
I don't know if rocks really deter dogs. A friend used to get guard dogs for his inner city business and never did much training. He said that the people in the neighborhood trained to dogs by throwing rocks at the dogs. A few times he was held up and the dogs bit the robbers. Pepper mace is effective on dogs, just learn to use it and don't spray in heavy wind. About seven years ago I was walking in the neighborhood and a neighbor's dog came after me and started circling me. I gave one shot of pepper mace at short range and it stopped barking and walked to the grass and started rubbing its face on the grass. It left me the fuck alone after that. They even make a very strong pepper mace for bear repellant.
from whystinger :
The mosh pit, really??? WTF (wow, that's fantastic!)
from linguafranca :
That sounds so awesome. I love mosh pits!!!!
from howlingwind :
Well that's just effed. The dog business that is.
from cocoabean :
I would have called 911!
from linguafranca :
The screaming at everything thing definitely sounds like he is not developmentally in line with his peers. Driving away for that long is not a compassionate response, though I understand the impulse. :(
from whystinger :
Going back and reflecting on my comment that your comments are "mostly helpful" and then I think I need to explain and as I think through it... I was thinking your comments were mostly helpful except when you tease me or are being funny. As I think of that, those make me laugh or smile, so they are really all helpful...
from whystinger :
I understand now why you didn't leave the comment, it being a bit of self doubt, even though I enjoy your comments and find them to be value added. We tend think along the same lines as far as: CL was fast with the I <3 U but then I thought of folks I know that were love at first sight and are still together. I still think that at times, the love at first sight was infatuation that matured into love. At first I was a bit panicky and felt that I need to convince her that she is infatuated. Then I realized that I can't tell her that her feelings are invalid, after all, they are her feelings and not mine. I am not responsible for her or her feelings and she has reminded me of that. I was happy that I did come to that conclusion after a while.
from howlingwind :
Womp - sorry for all the anxiety-ridden advice seekers. Thanks for the jewelry advice. I'm not too sure about the jewelry biz. Meh.
from whystinger :
Your comments are always welcome and mostly helpful too. If you have something, feel free. I am not against long distance romances, but I have had my share of them and really don't want another one at this time in my life. I have learned to never say never, as I said "I will never again do a long distance relationship" and ended up dating Honi. I hope all is well.
from howlingwind :
There's a script idea for you. Ha.
from linguafranca :
I’ll try out the children’s book! Can’t promise my children are representative, though. I have one I just wrote, too, don’t know if I mentioned it here. Don’t know what to do with it. The marketing is truly daunting.
from howlingwind :
Yes, a community of weirdos would be nice. I guess those things mostly only exist online, but that's better than nothing. :-)
from howlingwind :
Good luck with the scripto. Yes, it's always good to read something you wrote and be impressed by it. Yes, you wrote that! :-)
from howlingwind :
Yes, I get a lot ahead of myself a lot of the time - saving the world and all of that. I'm not sure where to start though. Mr. Email, not the best option for a confidante, but I think I've gotten more detached from the whole situation so it shouldn't overtax my brain so much. I will keep it friendly and avoid going into whiny hopeless mode with him. I think that was where I went wrong. I feel like being delusional and optimistic for a while and seeing how that works for me. I'm not going to worry about saving the world as much as solving my problems though. I feel like there has to be a little of both going on - but something more simple on the one front.
from whystinger :
As for the better house, only you can make that decision and no need to rush it, after all, I didn't rush it until I had enough and while I wish I would have changed houses sooner, I realize that I couldn't. I had to be sure. About the Tennessee Whiskey/Whisky - damn, now I want to go back to the George Dickel distillery and maybe a few others! I have to fly to Atlanta in March as I am attending a volunteer assignment for SkillsUSA and I had planned on renting a car and a North Georgia cabin or room at a resort and relaxing for a few days. Maybe I should change that and go visit the distilleries. I will ponder that. The procedure went well, lots of waiting. I am not to talk at all for a week. I can feel the difference already besides the sore throat. My coughing is about normal again. Thx
from whystinger :
I'm thinking wait for the second house. Your subconscious is speaking (no not in this comment, but in your dream). You are very perceptive and some of those perceptions come in dreams and sometimes they are metaphors. I've begun to have those metaphorical dreams again. Consider waiting on the house, mull it over in your subconscious. Take the risk.
from whystinger :
You are right, it is whisky, not whiskey, but I have seen it both ways and I don't know, but while writing it, I would type it one way first, then the other way, then went back and changed it for consistency. I too stopped at the George Dickel distillery on my way back from Nashville one time. Loved it, and like you said, it smelled great, especially where they age the filled barrels of whisky. That aging room was a heady experience and they limited your time in there and due to the high concentration of alcohol in the air, no cell phone use. I was looking at the Wild Turkey 101 and thinking that may be good. As far as rye, they say that when added to whisky, "rye adds spice, wheat adds sweet." I am not a fan of Rye either. I do enjoy a bit of sipping whisky at times.
from whystinger :
Of course you don't need a man in your life, but you would like company and such. I am in the same boat - I don't need a woman in my life but I want some companionship but I want to be very careful that I don't have the wrong woman in my life. Ms. B. is definitely the wrong woman for me, I think. Part of my thing, is I need to lean how to say no. Thinking of you as I swallow some Tennessee Whiskey.
from howlingwind :
Trying to heal your mind, body, soul while living in a toxic environment, yeah it doesn't work. I have no great suggestions for you either. :-(
from whystinger :
I went back and re-edited that entry, probably lost a bit, but tried to make more sense out of it.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I think I will. I still get so confused distinguishing when I want to do a social thing because I think I’m supposed to, when I really don’t want to, and when I want to but anxiety is working to dissuade me.
from howlingwind :
I know what you mean about giving up on love. Sigh. Is love just a concept that was created to give us unrealistic expectations of the opposite sex? I guess a lot of men feel the same way? I don't know. No one that I know has anything close to that really. One person has the considerate part going on but it seems the passion has gone out the window for her.
from cocoabean :
I knew you'd like it! Hee!
from cocoabean :
compassion? empathy? but for a new name, how about something that fits... hmmm dickhead comes to mind LOL
from whystinger :
I didn't intend to end my entry with the comma and I did correct it, but for some reason, it never took. I even verified in my "edit" page it was there correctly. I should look and see if it is still there. I hope all is well.
from howlingwind :
Glad the O Trip is going fairly well. Enjoy your turd free existence. :-p
from linguafranca :
Holy shit, didn't mean to leave that message 3 times!
from linguafranca :
Happy to be your squash confidante. :)
from cocoabean :
Why not just write? Just stream of consciousness, or whatever you want to write about. The writing doesn't need to be for something, you just need to write. Write.
from howlingwind :
Ugh - letting go of an old flame. Why can't men just speak the truth and do it quickly? Why do they love to string us along? Do they think it is kinder? Meh. Not kind.
from musikoid :
Thank you for helping, and for your willingness to be of help.
from musikoid :
Saw you were online. Having a lot of problems tonight. Called suicide prevention, waiting for a call back. Write me for my number and call me if you -- can -- or want to.
from howlingwind :
Enjoy your mental health break from the turdmaster. :-)
from whystinger :
I am sorry to hear about your Mom's cat. My condolences to your family's loss. I still miss the cats from the marriage that died and the two that I lost to Honi. Normally I would encourage you to keep away from O, but I don't get that feeling, which is odd. Maybe it is because I made peace with some of my stuff with Honi in Mexico. Maybe it is because I am feeling a different vibe. I agree, you need to get away. Be cautious but go. My cousin here called me and warily confessed that he had spent several days with his ex-wife, knew I would be pissed as he brother was really pissed at him. I listened and told him "good for you." He was surprised but I think he needed that and that it gave him small bit of closure. As I said, go but use caution and sense, but I really don't need to tell you that, as I know that you know and will be cautious. Enjoy.
from linguafranca :
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Poor kitty.
from howlingwind :
Sorry about your kitty friend. My kitties are getting older and I wonder when the problems will start. :-(
from howlingwind :
Don't go back. It's not worth it. But you already knew that.
from linguafranca :
Yes, I think that would be the worst...to have all these ideas and not even come close to realizing any of them in the way I'd like to. Not that my children will be too excited to inherit my body of work consisting of cyanotype doodads and origami wreaths painted with shiny paint, but that'll be their problem.
from howlingwind :
Thanks for the cell phone and hair info. :-)
from musikoid :
I don't remember if I gave you my password or if you're reading. You're welcome to it if you want to email me, and you don't already have it.
from howlingwind :
No worries. Update when you feel like it. Maybe I need to start a new diary that is actually not locked. Hmm...maybe. Too lame for that at the moment though probably. Happy Holidays and TV script writing and such.
from whystinger :
I do understand about O. Honi became an abusive asshole around the divorce and while she denies it, I think that secretly she wanted it. At least that is what her actions said before I asked for the divorce. Hugs (if that is allowed in this Harvey Weinstein time we're in, in society)
from whystinger :
Thanks for the note. As for listening to my own brain, I figure you mean when I talk about my female employee. There was another warning in my brain but I didn't write about it. I also had a strong feeling that I should have taken a concealed piece with me to Miami. I still think I should. I did buy a new carry piece and I need to get a new holster and practice with it.
from howlingwind :
BF sounds less than awesome. It's good that you don't miss him methinks. Probably because it was more physical than emotional? Just a slightly informed guess. :-)
from whystinger :
You definitely made the right decision with BF. Sounds like he is not that aware of things or is selfish. Sounds like you are cutting off ties and I am glad of that - keeping with what he is suggesting will act like a cock block for you and by you breaking it off, you are opening you up for more and better relationships. I think you made the best decision.
from cocoabean :
Men. He wants you available to talk every day, but wants to give you nothing in return, and you should be happy about it. Yeah.
from whystinger :
It is the little things that are so big, plus this is really more freedom for me. I don't have to count and figure out how many of the supplies to take with me, don't have to worry if I forget.
from wordwhore :
dude, it makes total sense to me. it really is the little things that are so big.
from whystinger :
It is difficult to explain, seems so trivial and I am not really shy about it, but being able to go out with friends and pee without worrying about carrying catheters and all that entails is really freeing. I can't believe the joy I felt at being more like me.
from howlingwind :
I posted some thing but then changed my mind. More weirdness stuff. Difficult to explain. :-)
from whystinger :
I know that I could fall for several of my past loves. I could fall for Honi again if I didn't live through it. There are others in my heart that I would try again in a heartbeat, all for different reasons. There are a few that I would stay away from.
from howlingwind :
16 years yowza! I'll have to check when I started writing. I think I deleted a bunch of stuff at some point though. :-)
from whystinger :
Sometimes it is easy to fall for an old love again, especially when we mull it over in our heads. We tend to remember the good and want that back and sometimes want a chance at making the bad right. It does look like Andrew is back and evidently he is converting the site to fit mobile, which is good. Hopefully he fixes the bugs - they place was pretty good and viable early on and kept growing and growing. I have been here since December of 2002. Had some other things to tell, but those evaporated during the balance of today.
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the jobbie job. :-)
from whystinger :
You are so right, as usual... Hmmm, so the complement may have come a day early? Accept it, you deserve it.
from linguafranca :
Ok, that made me laugh. Sorry.
from whystinger :
Congratulations! I am happy for you.
from linguafranca :
Books to children's hospitals: maybe. I guess we'd have to see how much kids enjoy them vs. tear them apart instantly. A good idea, though, if they turn out like I want them to.
from howlingwind :
Sorry about the BIL. Living with a toxic person who creates a hostile environment, that is the worst. :-( Thinking happy thoughts for you.
from linguafranca :
Fleas! The worst! I had success at one time with making a strong pennyroyal salve and wiping it on my legs-- they'd jump on and jump off again and it smelled pretty good. Other than that, borax and lots of vacuuming.
from cocoabean :
Sounds like your BIL needs to stay in the house when you bug bomb it......
from linguafranca :
Thanks. No, I am aware of no such service. Services for autistic kids tend to be lots of therapy (not interested, our parenting is actually working pretty well despite what my venting here would suggest), classes. I keep meaning to reach out to the homeschool group and see if any of the teenagers would like to give it a try, maybe with an extended briefing first. There have been a couple who were very good with Q at park day, and could be even better with some specific warnings about their quirks, and some strategies. It just seems like a lot to ask from your average babysitter. I'm doing ok today. Made scones and everything.
from musikoid :
Sent an email and will send two more (one being a paste of a D-Land entry). I believe I did not read one of your emails carefully enough, and would like to re-reply.
from musikoid :
If you can accept a note right now, I saw that you were online, and just want to communicate that, although I got your email some weeks ago, I have been so scattered lately that I have not yet either read it or replied. I understand that this is completely unlike me. I just want to let you know that I am still on your side, and that you haven't offended me in the least. I am going to get to the email as soon as the smoke clears from this most recent explosion of nerves.
from cocoabean :
I agree, no reason for assault. There are other ways to handle situations, including walking away. FB? I try to avoid it..
from whystinger :
BIL sounds like a wanker. I have a a few things to say about the hugs and affection thing, but will wait for a while or send elsewhere. Shit, why not here? My aunt sold my Mom on "you don't hug boys or pick them up, when they cry (in the crib) ya gotta let them work it out themselves." While she has never really mentioned that to me, Mom has told my sister "don't EVER let anyone tell you not to hug or love on your kids... and told her the story. Evidently she regrets it. I remember being ill as a child in kindergarten and wanting some hugs or affection. Maybe I will give more thoughts on it, maybe not. I agree with you.
from cocoabean :
micro aggressive acts, or just totally passive-agressive. I would have to kill him lol.
from howlingwind :
Sorry chica. I'm trying to think of something that would actually be helpful to say. I've been watching Neale Donald Walsch videos on YouTube and those are making me feel better. Do not focus on what is. Focus on your vision. Don't worry about how you'll get there because that will just drive you nuts. If you want to send me an angry email and tell me to shove all my Pollyanna BS up my ass, that's okay. If it makes you feel better, I'm all for it. I hope things get better for you. :-)
from whystinger :
I wanted to leave something meaningful, but can't think of anything except to tell you that you are on my mind and in my prayers. I too, need to start walking, running and working out.
from whystinger :
I'd like to see the monkeys fly... Sorry, I couldn't resist. I wish things were going better for you.
from howlingwind :
Sorry woman for the bad times. :-(
from whystinger :
I really like this Doctor (Urologist) and have scheduled an appointment for a second opinion from another Doctor on the thyroid surgery. Good chance I may stick to the fist doctor, but can't really say that for sure.
from whystinger :
I guess I need to catch up and that will be difficult this week. Interesting about what you realized about O. You found the pattern familiar, possibly even comforting. Your mind also wanted to be able to fix this (if I'm explaining correctly). I reached that horrifying conclusion myself, when I realized that my relationship with my Mother was a lot like my marriage to Honi. Perhaps I need to mention that in Therapy. Hope all is well with you.
from cocoabean :
my ex had a weekend date planned before I even moved out. Men!
from howlingwind :
He's probably got a girlfriend or something. But get it done before she dumps him and makes it more dramatic. Is that insensitive? I'm not feeling very sentimental about these types of things lately. Life's too short.
from whystinger :
Oh, I am not bad like that woman's MIL. I can just be a bull in a china shop, but also my folks are probably more protective of my sister. The big thing I remember was how it HIT both of them HARD. Not being a parent nor having kids, that is something that I can't really have the understanding like my BIL can, as he went through it. Still being my bull-in-the-china shop self, I sure are hell would NOT laugh and clap.. I can't imagine what they went through, I sure can be empathize and be sensitive. A friend lost a child and while I don't know what he went through, I sure felt a lot of pain at his family's loss.
from linguafranca :
One of the families at the co-op had a third birthday party for their "angel baby", including inviting friends because, as the 8 year old put it, "what's a birthday party without friends?". They made him a card, too.
from whystinger :
I feel for your friend. An MIL who laughed and claps "because I know you are trying" is fucked up seriously. That MIL should be grieving, unless she is the type where everything has to be about her. My sis had a few miscarriages and I would be warned by my folks "she's had a miscarriage and don't be your usual oaf, be sensitive and be there if. Also, it hit Bro-in-Law HARD too. Each miscarriage hurt. I feel sorry for her having inlaws like that and pray I never get that bad.
from whystinger :
I do need to catch up. Relative to Doctors, I really loved my former Doc where I used to live. She was awesome and probably born to be a Doctor. She would listen and ask opinion and sometimes send me for a second opinion on her diagnosis.
from cocoabean :
try looking for jobs that you can do outside... landscaping, gardening.. they must be looking for summer help! And you won't be in an office.
from cocoabean :
Yeah, your own place would be great....
from howlingwind :
Happy belated birthday! I'm glad you enjoyed your road trip. :-)
from howlingwind :
I love tamarind candy. :-)
from musikoid :
I did get a bit of clarity, late last night. I'll email you after my current high anxiety subsides.
from musikoid :
I'll email you. Glad you finally got all your stuff. That must feel good - closure, nothing left hanging there.
from musikoid :
Agreed (both are important) - though they seem to come into conflict all too often. I have this weird theory that the parts of us that we really need to work on are the parts of us we're most reluctant to broach. It's kinda like -- "I knew I was bad, but not *this* bad" - it becomes too huge, and one tends to want to look the other way. IDK - maybe I'll send an email later, if things clarify. I hope you're well.
from musikoid :
I thought of you earlier today. I'm doing well - trying to come to terms with some ugly facts about myself, and at the same time move forward. I hope things are well with you...
from cocoabean :
Sounds like he never expected you would actually move out. Some people just can't accept the inevitable..
from cocoabean :
maybe BF is a little insecure since you don't see him that often...
from whystinger :
OMG! The job obsession chat! Honi would have that talk with me, but never take responsibility nor work towards another job. Another parallel. My vacay plans are now in a state of flux. My Mom is facing cancer surgery (again) and will be that weekend. I will keep you posted. I forgot all about mentioning the vacation to you as I heard about the surgery right after that. Not sure if I can volunteer at the event that I was going to. Now trying to see if I should go there for the surgery or if it would be better to go after she is home, in order to help then.
from howlingwind :
Sorry for the bad times blues. Sending happy vibes. :-)
from whystinger :
Re-reading old entries... that is always something. First time I left Honi, I felt terrible, really horrible. I was told it would be bad and then worse. I took my laptop to work and struggled though the morning until lunch. Went to a quiet place to eat and started reading my entries... It made me realize that I had made the right decision. Now, do tell about the hoovering? This may be interesting, or it could be difficult. Hope all is well. I have to be South of Atlanta for a volunteering gig March 23 & 24, then I am going to take a short vacation, maybe rent a car and drive to the North Georgia mountains. Thought of flying to Nashville, then fly home. Still deciding, but want some rest and relaxation of some sorts.
from musikoid :
Thanks for noting, and for your honesty.
from musikoid :
I've been back and have not changed my passwords. To drop out of the online support group here because I lost my temper makes no sense, because my temper is one of the things I must seek support for. I am also not a fundamentalist Christian and so it was mostly temper loss (and there might have been a mix-up in the order of notes, misleading me) - and less so the effect of me being sensitive in matters of faith. What I wrote in my Gratitude List 411 (No. 10) is what I actually believe about DiaryLand in my heart, when I'm not mad. I'm also of the Carl Jung camp, that we all have a "shadow self" and that when people start to lose it like I did, it's basically a reflection of their shadow and not to be taken as the True Self for which we all strive -- at least, those of us who care about such things do -- which I'm sure you and I both are. Finally, we go back how far? At least ten years according to my count. Let's not end what was becoming a fine friendship only because I was once again an asshole. I truly try not to be. So - I'm sorry. I think you're a great person - you know that -- and you have helped me a great deal. I hope we can once again be friends.
from whystinger :
Yes, there is relief, both figuratively and literally... The big thing is now I have more freedom. No bag of piss chained to me. Things are almost back to normal. I am glad that I sought out a second opinion and found a doctor that seems more suited and knowledgeable
from howlingwind :
Thanks. Yes I remember right before we got married I was thinking of calling the whole thing off. Meh. Yeah, after drinking coffee I would sometimes get sleepy. It's not that yummy without milk anyway.
from cocoabean :
Thanks!
from cocoabean :
Are you sharing your password? The one I have isn't working....
from whystinger :
Three doctors now... the two family doctors and the second opinion urologist... the first urologist planted doubt in my mind, but that will be overcome. More freedom is on the other side. BTW, going to edit (add ) to the entry I think...
from musikoid :
You know, being on your side, just as a friend, it's too bad that there's the dangling thread of the stuff still at O's. You're going to feel greatly relieved once that's all taken care of, I'm sure. On the bluntness, I often wish people were more up-front in communications. But I find myself sometimes avoiding them myself, out of concern for offending someone. If it gets to the point where I can tell I'm being manipulative or starting play games, I will stop - but usually only with withdrawal. Sometimes I find the right words to express something later on, by which truth is not sacrificed for fear of consequence.
from musikoid :
Thanks.
from musikoid :
One thing I learned on the streets is that when things happen that really hurt, that deeply hurt, that hit you at the core where it's almost impossible to avoid the self-definition of "piece of shit" - which we heard all the time on the streets -- it means that it's time for action. I'm actually thankful, because this has helped me to begin solving an age-old "email problem" that, prior to this, I shirked. It won't be that hard not to send unnecessary emails to multiple recipients. Sometimes all it takes is leaving the computer for a couple minutes after putting it in a draft folder, and asking myself: "Do I really need to sent that email?" General rule of them is not to cc or bcc anyone at *all* unless it's business-related and there's a clearly constructive reason, or else to friends and family to notify of change in contact info, and that sort of thing. Also, 22 email addresses is an awful lot to carry. I'm in the process of gradually reducing that to ONE. I've only deleted three of them so far, but I'll let you know which one emerges victorious when all the smoke clears. Thanks for your note.
from howlingwind :
Creepiness. Yes - it seems he is just grasping at straws. Why do men only seem to make an effort when it's pretty much too late?
from musikoid :
Yes, it's best I be rational about the meds. I have a lot on my mind right now, too. I think I'm going to post another entry before anything else happens. Weird - they show on my end. But that could mean they're local files. I'll have to see if anyone else can see them. All they are, anyway, are screenshots of the notifications and stats. Not a big deal, but it looks kinda pretty if you can see them. I messed with the height and width for a while before I got it right. Maybe you went on in the interim.
from whystinger :
Breaking out the Tits & whiskey, eh? I certainly understand that and counseling. No counseling can fix something, it is the people that must do the work and do the fixing, the counselor is just that - a counselor, a facilitator if you will. Both parties have to want to fix the relationship and both have to work hard. In my case, you know which one was willing to do the work. In the end, she told me "you owe me going to counseling..." to which I said "ok, let's go." You will remember that she made excuses. So, would O go? Perhaps he would but would he do the work and put forth the effort? It would serve to keep you there and give it time to normalize. Only you can make the right decision for you and you are pretty perceptive. I also think you are on the right track with the 1/31 entry about the confession. He's appealing to the sensual and adventurous side, but you know what he is doing and probably why. The admission is creepy and/or weird, even if he didn't do it and just made that up. He's grabbing at straws. I had another thought, but that one just evaporated.
from musikoid :
Hey - just read your great note. It really was a great note - I am going to do that, I have decided. I thought about it, and kinda prayed, and got the feeling that I ought to at least give the medication the ten days between when I started and when I see the therapist. That would give my body some indication of how it's going and also stabilize the blood level of the Depakote. It helped that I woke up this morning after six hours of sleep no longer feeling neuralgic or lethargic. I also was able to have a good morning run of a decent distance (1.7 miles) before taking the meds. I do recall that it was I myself who made this decision, and that I made the decision because I was beginning to have manic periods that were very difficult to manage. I would not want to return to that - so it might simply be a matter of finding the right dosage. Thanks for the reminder! I think it's appropriate for me to discuss all these things with the therapist, and with the doctor if need be, should a lower dosage be indicated. Thanks again. :)
from musikoid :
Those were great lists. Briefly, I just want to let you know how much I can relate to this part: "When I want to be alone, everyone wants my attention. When I'm lonely, no one does." Somehow, all my life, that seems to have been the case.
from minstrelite :
Links work on a different browser after a brief error message, something about how they "cannot be opened in a frame because the publisher doesn't allow it - click here to open them in a new window" - whatever that means. The immigration stuff is odious, but what's irking me is that 48% of America supports it. I started reading after my after-dinner nap and I think I'll go back to bed (floor) now and pray for a good night's sleep. Something is awry in the world. But - Marriage of Figaro, nice analogy. Tata -
from minstrelite :
I figured you were in TN but didn't know where BF was. I'll have to backtrack. Thanks --
from musikoid :
OK I basically got it about BF, except for not quite knowing which city - well, I hate to admit the geographical ignorance after all this time, especially since my moving to and fro my various headquarters has got to be much harder to follow than most, and you are only in TN and TX as far as know. Oh, and the links don't work on my browser. I'm kinda slightly irritable today too, nothing major, just blah and kinda grouchy.
from musikoid :
You sound good tonight, and I'm encouraged to hear that somebody is feeling a tinge of hope about the way things are proceeding. I made the mistake of absorbing myself in Trump news during the early hours of the day; and as a result, my anxiety during the church service was sky high. The depakote is definitely helping - though more in the department of mania than that of anxiety. It's hard not to be worried in general these days, but one thing I know is that this nation was not founded by cowards. This might just be a time in our history where We The People will stand up and show the Powers That Be what the American people are made of. Here's to Hope.
from musikoid :
Actually, it's gone by in a flash for me too. Since I rarely feel any desires, or even think about it much really, I have to remind myself that I've even accomplished anything in that area. What seems to be going by more slowly is just the overall culture shock between life in the two different cities, in very different parts of the country. But yeah, it is an accomplishment, and thank you for your support. I think the medication his helping me to focus, though I'll admit it takes a long time for my brain to come into focus in the morning. Pros and cons, like any other drug.
from musikoid :
"BF" - I must have missed something major...
from musikoid :
I'll leave out the names of the friends. I can just say "three guys in particular." Not that it wouldn't be potentially useful information, but just that it's the kind of thing that could make the reader concerned that I'm one of these guys who constantly submits irrelevant detail. (Which I am - but that's what we want to start changing.) Thanks for your input, J.
from whystinger :
Shit, we either think alike or are on the same page today. I opened the new email account and it was locked out already... Probably because I tried to be anonymous. I also wondered about the thyroid tumor being the cause. I will see an oncologist, so I will ask. I asked about my former neighbor, he had prostate cancer and had his prostate removed. PSA dropped to about zero, then went up again after a few years. Urologist's answer: the prostate cells went through the body and attached themselves elsewhere, then became cancerous. Add the fact that the PSA test is highly unreliable, but it is the ONLY test...
from musikoid :
Hey - that's a great idea. Not a straight up 'gratitude list' (which has its drawbacks), but a list of pros and cons, assets and deficits, so to speak. On MF, from a distance it would seem to me that overall his reappearance in your life is a positive.
from musikoid :
Hurray on both counts, indeed. :)
from musikoid :
Yes, I could tell, actually. Your head definitely has been in a better place, very recently. I've noticed that. About the political landscape, I keep telling myself I'm going to keep shut for a while and just watch things. But somehow it doesn't happen. Some new thing happens to freak me out, or I hear it from somebody who's freaking out -- the picture of a Trump Great America after 100 days of this is pretty unfathomable. But we can't let it destroy out hearts.
from whystinger :
Wasn't really a fear of therapy, but was I didn't believe in it and worried what some folks would have thought.
from musikoid :
I believe the word is synchronicity. There are different theories about it, and I would love to discuss this further. However, I need to get to the pharmacy and pick up my meds and be at work in one hour. I did get the meds I wanted, to do what I want them to do. This was by the far the least costly and least time-consuming bout of bureaucratic people-shuffling I've ever had to endure in my life. I'll probably post later on tonight. God bless.
from musikoid :
Sometimes even the song that's playing in a cafe or restaurant at the moment will send out lyrics that "speak to me." For example, I'll be feeling particularly unlovable, and I tune into the song "Desperado" where they're going: "You better let somebody love you - let somebody love you..." Or in the 70's when I was playing in a band named "Creole" I got stoned and stopped my car on the way to band practice because I suddenly wanted to flake on rehearsal, turned off the engine, lit up a joint, turned on the radio, and it was going: "And the Sultans played....Creole...Creole..." - At that, of course I revved up the car and showed up at practice like I'd never done one wrong thing. Of course, tell any of that shit to a psych agent and they'll write you up as a schizo. But you know, it takes all kinds, I suppose.
from musikoid :
I prayed briefly about it. Sometimes when I pray, a word or phrase will run through my head, not seeming like it comes from "me" - but not an audible voice by any means. Does that happen with you? Anyway, when I prayed, the words "you're in transition" ran through my head. I can live with that. It's possible that, because I only resumed running two weeks ago, and have gone out six or seven times now, the body/mind is adjusting accordingly. Something to do with the neurotransmission maybe. In any case, it's been unusually pronounced today. Almost every email I've sent contains one. I've stopped being annoyed by it, though - I've just taken to proofread before I send.
from musikoid :
for anyone - damn, it's bad this morning :( - probably typing too fast...
from musikoid :
how to live, rather -- (not sure what causes that, but if I had left that message from anyone I knew in California it would have been the only thing they commented on)
from musikoid :
I have a rebellious spirit. So if I'm going to rebel, I might as well rebel against all my naysayers. I'd like to see half these guys who keep telling me how to leave even *finish* a fucking 10-K. As Goethe said: "I believe I am better than the people who are trying to reform me."
from musikoid :
Glad to see you set your head free.
from whystinger :
Realizing you are reliving past mistakes means that progress has been made, especially as you made corrections. I am happy that you are in a better frame of mind. Funny that I got behind on your diary in what, a day or two? Hugs
from musikoid :
Well that's good. I'm glad you were able to temper it like that.
from musikoid :
And I care about you, too, J.
from musikoid :
I know you care, J. I was thinking of a certain other person at the moment, and also obviously was at a very low ebb. I'm going to go easy on myself for the rest of the day, if I can.
from musikoid :
Take it from the King of "Click on Send." When it doubt, leave it out.
from musikoid :
Thanks. I hope you're okay...
from musikoid :
I've also begun to notice more similarities then differences between us, J., the more I get to know you. Thank you for your friendship, and your note.
from whystinger :
Well, you are NOT an idiot. You are more intelligent and perceptive than most. I wish there was something I could do to help. All I can say is: Breathe, deep breaths and walk. Chin up, chest out and walk. When you were walking and exercising, it was a help to you. I know from experience that getting started can be very tough. Hugs (if appropriate).
from musikoid :
Just got your note. Again, woke up after only four hour sleep, wide awake, further sleep being out of the question. Not sure what to make of it. I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed.
from musikoid :
What you just described, in terms of your particular form of OCD, seems very similar to something I've been experiencing lately (although I wouldn't have thought to connect it to OCD had I not read your entry). Yesterday afternoon for example, I *had* to deal with these Zoho support requests, and I had to deal with them until I had driven them into the ground, even though it robbed me of several hours of the afternoon when I wanted to be working on my script, and in the end never amount to a solution anyway. They weren't even important issues. Stuff I've been living with forever, such as not being able to get rid of the red squiggly lines beneath "misspelled" words such as "playwriting" that I use all the time in my emals. I'm pretty sure I annoyed the support team, because I *never* contact them, and suddenly I had three insistent requests going on, as though it were the end of my inter-world all of a sudden. I must have spent three hours on it, and probably would have kept going on into the evening had the explosion not occurred that knocked out all the power lines. It seems related to my not being able to "let go" in general. Also, I hear you when depression is telling you one thing and anxiety another. The two things might even be related, but it's hard to tell which to "obey." In general, I've been experiencing much more anxiety since I've been inside again and trying to live responsibly. OCD seems to be anxiety taken to the nth level. Anyway, that was a fascinating entry, and I think I learned something about you from it. It clarifies on some level the difficulty you have with certain decisions. In my case, that translates to a strong need that the decision I make, in any situation, be "just right." There's a kind of perfectionism there too, I think - which is ironic, because the "things" with which we sometimes occupy our minds would be things we wouldn't be entertaining at all, if we *were* (perish the thought), "perfect."
from minstrelite :
I've found that keeping a daily gratitude list has helped me a lot more than I thought it would. This is especially true if I remember to keep it first thing in the morning. The thoughts I entertain at the beginning of the day often influence my attitude throughout the remainder of the day. About forgetting things, I space a lot more things when I'm anxious. Anxiety is a bastard. Meditation does help. Hang in there.
from musikoid :
Things are better now - after sleeping. Thanks for your prayers.
from musikoid :
Well - thanks, J. I just keep wondering, though, what can I do (if anything) to prevent things like this from happening again. On Saturday nights I'm particularly vulnerable to this kind of "attack" because I'm anxious about having to work the next day and get everything right. I *will* say that I was relatively focused at church after running a mile and half with the YakTrax on. They made all the difference in the world, and I actually felt like a runner again, not some kind of Antarctic explorer trudging through hitherto unexplored territory in the snow. I got a compliment from Bruce P. my boss (and the pastor's boss) afterwards, and I could tell it was genuine, even though I still thought I sucked.
from musikoid :
Hm. Well mine was kinda like that, to be honest with you. Also, it got to the point where I was red all over my body and could not stop scratching till I bled. I found myself actually enjoying the process of scratching and feeling a kind of rush after the blood started to come out. I remember thinking that this must be what people who cut feel like. This was when I slept outdoors. Some students asked if I wanted them to call emergency, and I said no, but the emergency team came anyway and hauled me off to the hospital. Fortunately, they didn't cite me for trying to sleep at an illegal spot on campus, though. Anyway, I hope yours doesn't get that bad, whatever it is.
from musikoid :
It might be psoriasis. If it's the kind of thing where it seems to want to make you itch, and then gets worse and itchier, like a vicious circle, it very well could be. I had to go to the hospital for it. They prescribed calamine lotion and benadryl. Changing my clothes frequently enough and taking enough showers caused it eventually to pass.
from minstrelite :
It's good to hear you in a good space. Alison? Free marketing courses? Maybe I should look into that myself.
from whystinger :
You do have an awful lot on your plate right now. That plus the shit with O probably has your mind working overtime and you are overwhelmed. You may be in a situational depression. Easier said than done, but just keep moving forward if you can. Little steps.
from linguafranca :
Also on the marketing topic, you might take a look at http://www.sjaturney.co.uk/, a (now elsewhere, https://sjat.wordpress.com/) Diarylander who seems to have a pretty good strategy in mind for marketing his books. Website + blog + lots of reviewing other books in his genre + I don't know what all else, but maybe you can take a peek and get an idea of what he's up to to get some ideas.
from musikoid :
Yeah, contrition. I think I feel you there. Sometimes I am genuinely sorry, which usually stems from a genuine desire to do what I know is good, combined with a kind of repulsion toward what I did that was bad. At those times, it's a lot easier to receive a sense of His forgiveness in my heart. But one just doesn't always feel that way, due to the fact that one is human, one has issues, and so forth. I believe He takes this into account, and sometimes His "absence" (or the feeling that He is, or could ultimately be, absent) is ironically just what we need in order to reflect more fully on our thoughts, words, and deeds.
from howlingwind :
Oh yeah, the website Alison has free courses about marketing. I don't know if they're worth much but you never know.
from howlingwind :
Holy hooter pants! It's strange how you and I seem to have similar issues going on at the same time. I feel like my life is a mess but I don't think I have the mental or physical energy to fix it. I feel very bottled up because I can't express my true feelings to the hubby and blah blah blah. I think your situation sounds a lot more challenging though. I'm sending you energetic solution finding vibes - bzzzzz-they are coming your way now!!!!!! Dork power!!! I gots it!
from musikoid :
God, you really DO have a lot on your plate! But that was a great entry, the way you laid it all on the line like that. With me, my anxiety level greatly increases when I haven't been getting sufficient sleep at night. With that on my mind as I read, the thing that most struck me as the "next right thing" for you to do, honestly, was probably "take a nap." I find that when I reach that level of overload, sometimes more sleep is the only way I can get myself into a state where I can prioritize everything else. I kind of wish you didn't have to deal with all that stuff alone.
from whystinger :
Forgot to mention, I did ask for some marketing training at work. That may apply a bit to you. I can ask an acquaintance if he has any words of wisdom and that may be able to happen if I am off on sick leave. Hope things are going well. BTW, was that an ass chewing I received? LOL
from whystinger :
True and you expressed it better than I could. Kind of like when I was chatting with a woman on a BPD online support group. Her BPD husband had abused her and raped her. She quizzes me about a few things in my marriage, tells me a few things about her marriage, then she hit me square between the eyes. "Do you realize that your wife is showing signs of mental abuse?" As I tell her it was not nearly as bad as what she went through, it was as if she reached through the computer and smacked me in the head. "Abuse is abuse and that doesn't mean you went through any less than any one else..."
from linguafranca :
How oh how I wish I were good at marketing. I would so help you. We would be the best. I read the art marketing blog of Laura C. George. Maybe something that you could use?
from howlingwind :
Sorry - no marketing skills here. Life is challenging. I guess I should add an entry some time. You can do it! How's that for some lame positivity!!?? I feel the same way about jobs. Meh.
from musikoid :
I feel you on just about every level. I don't do relationships - at least I don't *think* I do -- but we all need a sense of relative security in our close friendships and intimate relationships, and when that is challenged, we do tend to veer awry. That's just a general statement. On the marketing aspect, I suck at that myself, but a lot of this is my own indignation. Anything that diverts my focus from the core, creative center is usually regarded as a threat to my artistic plan, and I am more likely to demolish its existence than embrace it. But if I hear of any good agents -- well, there is this guy who claims to be interested in my writings on homelessness, he does have a publishing company - but it sounds like you have a publisher already. I'm sorry I can't be of more help. I'm in a pretty scattered state, waiting for something to "break" like it did when I received Siddhartha and the lyrics to "Midnight Screams." Nothing's happened so far, despite the mania I specifically generated to suit the occasion. The Muses are present but I think they're getting ansy. My channels are clogged.
from musikoid :
OK - I just fell flat on my butt carrying two bags of groceries back in the snow. Geeze, it hasn't stopped snowing for over a month now! I hear it's even snowing in Cali, like close to where I used to live. But anyway, I wasn't hurt, since I landed on several inches of soft snow, but it sure happened fast. I'll check my email.
from musikoid :
It did wreck me up, to the point where I was actually *angry* for a while - but I turned my head to the side where nobody could see me so it wouldn't show. Took a number of deep breaths and more-or-less got over it, but I never regained my calm. Bummer.
from musikoid :
You seem to be on top.
from musikoid :
About wanting to punch something, it's interesting this got brought up. I just went to a meeting (A.A.) and a guy there was talking about how he had this pillow he would always punch when he got mad, but then one day he ditched the pillow. He ditched because whenever he was in a situation where the pillow was not there, he felt like punching something else instead; for example, the nearest human being. This caused him to realize that he needed to deal with his anger issues. That stuck with me, because of my own anger issues and how I "deal" with them. Recently instead of composing a gratitude list I reeled off ten things that pissed me off. I thought at the time it had made me feel better. It did actually, but does it deal with the anger? Not at all. It will come back again and again. It crosses my mind that *rage* might just be another thing I'm addicted to. Sure there are root causes -- inequity in the world, attitudes of various sorts, hypocrisy, betrayal, abandonment -- but none of these causes are dealt with when I repeatedly blow my top, usually about the same things over and over. It's high time I put my money where my mouth is and did unto others the way I would like for them to do unto me.
from musikoid :
Did not delete them. Pardon my neurosis. Edited out the most offensive parts and fused them into one entry. Hope you're well tonight.
from musikoid :
I'm about to delete them. It helped to write them but not to read them. Um - the A.A. meeting affected me, I think in a good way. It's right down the street - I might as well keep going back, maybe not every day, but two or three times a week. There is good stuff to be obtained there, it's just that ultimately the cultish stuff gets to me. Anyway - the little entry this morning was written right after I was starting to get mad with my friend D. on the gmail chat, not sure why. We healed it up but it took all morning (and most of her afternoon). I sort of think that if friends are having that heavy of life-arguments, they ought to be married or something. But that's on another plane.
from musikoid :
I'm all right. I wrote two further entries after the one you probably read, and I won't delete them. It's basically One Minute at a Time in this part of the world. Gotta have faith.
from whystinger :
Thanks, I took your advice and added a warning.
from whystinger :
You are not being an asshole by not telling him he has already lost you, you are protecting your property and keeping things civil until you can remove your things. Other thing is what I should do, but it is easier to say than do... Get enough sleep, get exercise and eat as well as you can. Yes, I need to do that and I am falling off schedule too. Positive note: all caught up!
from musikoid :
I'm doing a bit better. Thank you for the well wishes. I deleted that one paragraph (about the need for superhuman friends) - was trying to be funny, but I don't think it was funny, nor was it clear that I was trying to be. But - yes, I feel a bit better. I healed things up with people and am moving forward.
from musikoid :
By the way, thanks for that note - about the come down. It was well worded and it helped when I read it a second time.
from howlingwind :
I ate oatmeal every day for years and then it just started to make me feel really hungry about an hour later. I think I might have built up an allergy to it. Some doctor who went on Dr. Oz said that hunger, like that churning feeling in your stomach, is not always hunger but a allergic reaction to something - it's like your stomach trying to repair itself. I would try avoiding wheat and oats if you can but I know that's a serious bitch to do. Try eating more rice instead - white rice - cause brown rice can be irritating too. You can feel free to ignore my unsolicited non-expert health advice. But when I stopped eating that stuff I stopped getting so many hunger pangs. I'm glad your anxiety etc issues are mo betta these days. :-)
from musikoid :
That's right - it's correlation, not causation. And anxiety does indeed turn a blind eye toward truth. Thanks for that, it helps me too.
from musikoid :
Well - I just gotta not smoke it. I do have that power - I mean, to make the first choice anyway. Once it's in my system, I'm screwed. But yeah thanks for your support. Some of it is just that I'm down on myself but yeah I either need a lifetime supply of it or stop it altogether. I'm thinking of going to the noon meeting but with my luck the whole janitorial crew of closet gay Donald Trump supporters will be there raising their hands and popping off inane shit, after which I'll never be able to shake them. Something tells me in a town this small, better just be a Man and go it alone. Jesus didn't have anybody holding His hand when He had to carry that Cross up that hill, so maybe it helps to put things in perspective. Thanks for your note.
from whystinger :
Yes I am still behind on reading by about a month. Nov 27 entry. You don't bring it up because you are working and thinking and you know he will try to smooth it over. I went through this with Honi. Your Dec 5 entry was almost looking in a mirror for me, back when I was going through that (minus the bleeding). That is you moving through the process, I think. Dec 10. wow, yes you have accepted it and have made a decision. Yes, you do love him, as I still love Honi, but I had to move on as I could not do it alone and you are also in that same boat - it take two to Tango and two to make a marriage work. Only you can decide if you want to/should stay in contact with O. I do not stay in contact with Honi as this gives her false hopes. It is also sort of a "pussy block" (opposite of cock blocking) for me if I were to stay in contact with her. Her hopes would be that I would fall for her again and pursue her again. In my several tries, she did not make the effort, so you know my decision. My therapist hit me with "oh yea, you are't over her and you are not ready for a relationship, but you are ready for dating..." so give yourself time and patience. Hugs
from musikoid :
I know you want him to be happy, but that hard to be hard seeing him close to the gf like that on Facebook. Also, it's not Manfriend vs. O - as you know - Manfriend's reincarnation was for the purpose your seeing something lacking in the relationship with O. and becoming stronger for it. One wonders if this leniency toward O. is related to a depression realizing this thing about Manfriend. Maybe to stay quiet within yourself for a few days would be better than acting quickly, in this case.
from linguafranca :
No, no, not TCoS! TST! They latter are much more interesting and relevant than CoS.
from minstrelite :
Yeah - close call.
from musikoid :
You suspect correctly, of course. I *wouldn't* act on such thoughts - not even close. They not only seem to be psychologically associated with the initial hormonal shift, but even if that shift were to be chemically sustained for hours on end (as is the case when one indulges in the cantankerous chemical of such well-deserved ill-repute), I wouldn't be able to act on them, because I have too many fear-based safeguards, also stemming from early upbringing (viz, Roman Catholicism). What I'm wondering is if those age-old psychological associations can be broken. I think probably so. They say it takes only three weeks to break any habit if one consciously replaces it with something else. Might be worth a try, as opposed to the alternative alluded to in 2 Corinthians 6:17. If *that* one hasn't worked for 49 years, it's probably not going to start working *now.* Thanks for your thoughts.
from whystinger :
I am up to your November 7th entry. That was interesting to read because I lived through that in my marriage and reading it was so damn familiar. I totally understand the feelings and I feel I shouldn't influence your decision. It took me a while to work through this and it may take you a while to work through it. I see you making progress, but I feel I should buzz off or at least read more currently before I say much more.
from musikoid :
I feel ya, J. I understand about the (sudden) hormonal shift, but also think that some of the guilt for me is related to the kinds of thoughts I have during that first hormonal alteration, which are based on psychological associations that go back to eighth grade or so. The act itself is natural (and possibly unavoidable on the basis) but the thoughts that accompany the act is wherein lies sin, in my opinion.
from whystinger :
"Its been three days..." O's behavior is sort of abusive if that is the silent treatment. Why did you stay so long? Because you had to for some reason. You have tried pretty damn hard and you were successful, but you did 90% of it alone - it takes two to make it work, both parties really have to work. That is what snuffed out my marriage - she didn't want to work, things were fine, the way she wanted them. She wanted to be angry and in debt. I too, lost that loving feeling. As you know, the couple's therapist told me "fake it till you make it." Do the behaviors and the feelings will follow. That worked until I realized that Honi wouldn't do her part and then I stopped being able to fall back in love with her. I also realized she would not help meet my needs because she was happy with what she had, even though she wasn't really happy. Don't beat yourself up - you did try hard.
from whystinger :
You know, I really thought I had kept up with your diary, but I guess it was that I sort of kept up with you, due to FB & texts. I can't believe how far behind I seem to be. I am sure I did take a peek but forgot. Not necessarily in order: I have mixed emotions about spanking. I was spanked as a child, but not much, but there was the THREAT of spanking which kept us in line. My Dad never hit us with his belt, but if we pissed him off, he would jump up, yank off his belt and start cracking it, scaring the shit out of us.. The travel - did you know that is how I had originally planned my marriage with Honi? My vision was she would venture to visit her family without me and with me and I would visit Vincent and his Dad in NJ, I could visit Keyman and other friends and family, plus we would travel together. Surprise, her vision was much different. I don't find your travels strange, but I am probably a bit jealous. Strong can be a couple who can work together and apart. My one cousin and his wife are like that. She is still crazy head over heels about him and they were high school sweethearts. I remember a bit about ex manfriend, I think from a text convo. I will say this - nephew on Honi's side just found a FB message I sen to him two years ago... Last: learning guitar. I would like to learn guitar also. I bid on and won a silent auction for a few guitar lessons and ended up not being able to take them.
from whystinger :
In reply about the smaller orifice... the blood clot came out of a small orifice that had a fairly large tube in it. That was the really surprising thing. The good thing was that as the blood clots came out, the pressure was relieved.
from whystinger :
Wow, I need to catch up... Just did a fast skim
from whystinger :
And yes, I am beginning to thing he is s dick bag.
from whystinger :
I really liked this Urologist the first few times I worked with him. Now I am losing confidence. Funny thing is, both the emergency room Doc and my current Doc felt the urologist overreacted, as well as my past MD, whom I went to visit not to long ago to get her opinion on both the prostate and thyroid (probably haven't written about it). The emergency room Doc (female also and a great doc) and my former Doc both said "Urologists tend to get nervous if something happens that involves things above the belt. This tends to panic them." One of his nurses later told me "you probably scared him, that's all." Hmmm, for some reason I expect a doctor to know some of the general practice things like that...
from musikoid :
Right on. :)
from musikoid :
Answer is YES, post the two paragraphs on your FB timeline, YES attribute it to Andy Pope, Author-Composer, EDEN IN BABYLON, www.edeninbabylon.com. If anyone pursues the link, I've adjusted it to reach the Story Line page, which clearly pertains to the Homeless Phenomenon in America. Please do this and I shall be honored. Thanks, J.
from musikoid :
J. I've been without Internet for several hours. What I meant was - I don't want *not* to be attributed if you *do* use the two paragraphs. I'm just needing to make a decision how far I want to "come out." I'm also realizing that the only reason I was able to open myself to the Homeless Spirit long enough to write such an entry is directly related to my having let go of Art. I've had to do some soul-searching and have realized I was basically kissing up to him in the hope that if I pleased him he might kick me more cash when I needed it. But it wasn't working for me to live by somebody else's standards and not my own - hence the suppression of the Spirit, my frequent periods of depression and a sense of spiritual dryness or even death, and (of course) the ultimate explosion. I'm conducting a dialectic right now and should have an answer for you soon. I want to say that I am honored you would choose to use my words, and that I am aware that this aspect of the homeless phenomenon has been largely overlooked in our society. However, I have some details to iron out as concerns my "coming out" - so - please hold off.
from musikoid :
I want you to quote any or all of that article, but let me get back to you a second time on the attribution aspect before you make a move. It probably won't be long, but I have to think about some things for a period of time. I'll leave a yes or no about the attribution after I come to a greater decision about a more important issue on a broader plane, from which that much lesser decision would follow.
from musikoid :
As you do indeed attest, yes.
from howlingwind :
Sorry for the packing/dealing with husband suckiness. I hope things get better. :-)
from musikoid :
Oh - I see, it was a hyperbolic figure. I had thought O had been around for longer than that, but wasn't sure how long you and he had been "formally" together "this time." My bad.
from musikoid :
987 days - with O?
from musikoid :
Thanks for noting me, J. I wasn't sure anyone was reading. I think I'm basically being tempted to explode. I just haven't done so yet. I probably need to somehow let up on the guy in my head - I mean, I'm building him into an even creepier creep than he is. But still, he's pretty darned creepy. Probably best thing to do is continue to avoid him, and perhaps be a bit assertive when I need to be. It's truly unpleasant, but it is what it is. If I complain in my head "Why? Why? Why?" it does no good. "Wny?" is the prayer that is never answered. "Thy will be done," is the one that is always answered. So, it's pretty much a no-brainer, as far as hashing it out with the King is concerned. Best I keep the issue between me and Him at this point, I'm afraid. It's my test - bottom line - it's my test.
from minstrelite :
In other parts of the State, the rep is like: "They're all a bunch of hippies in that town!" So yeah I guess it's a nice fit. ;)
from musikoid :
Yeah - I'm not going to worry about it. I've noticed that these people, for the most part, really do like me - and not just the employers, but other people at the church. Not to mention, I live in a "hippie town" (though in the midst of a Red State.) Still, the job being church-related, and the town being small, I want to make sure I watch what words let fly from lips. It was a little mini-wake-up. I didn't stress.
from minstrelite :
Interesting how it sometimes works to see yourself a bit in others, even if what is seen is a bit on the scary side. Thanks, J...
from musikoid :
I had a disturbing dream this morning too. It was also a very symbolic dream, though not blatantly so. Its symbolism was disguised beneath a surface meaning, like a smokescreen. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. + You've not missed much by not reading me. Mostly, I have been working through difficult feelings. There are probably numerous entries. I'm sure my gratitude lists are more informative, as well as more affirmative. I'm praying for you.
from musikoid :
Just trying to get hits on these two public blogs. "The Bottom Line" - https://edeninbabylon.com/2016/11/19/the-bottom-line/ and "A Whole Lot of Love" https://edeninbabylon.com/2016/11/21/a-whole-lot-of-love/ -- they're a little more carefully thought out than my d-land norm, but obviously headed in a direction that could be dangerous if the dynamics of the Big Block are not favorably adjusted soon.
from musikoid :
Thanks, J. :)
from musikoid :
https://edeninbabylon.com/2016/11/19/the-bottom-line/
from musikoid :
Hey that aounds good. I'll try it when I get back home. I think that's all the janitor ever does - he has one of those snake-like things and wiggles it around for a while till it unclogs whatever was holding things up. I've been trying to use spoons, toothbrushes, etc. to no avail.
from minstrelite :
I know you've got a lot going on, and especially in the relational area which, while I gather some feeling for your situations, I hesitate to comment when thoughts about it are not fully formed enough to be put out, and the situation is so personal. Personal, and also - how shall we say this? Not my "forte" - though I'm not sure intimate relationships are anybody's forte. I do know that your comments toward me are always valuable to me, however, and that I count you a friend.
from musikoid :
I hear you. It's a waste of a good heart to indulge the interminable criticism. Did I change my typing speed or volume just because everybody in Berkeley complained that my typing was too loud? Not all. Has anybody in Moscow ever complained that my typing is too loud? Not one. So there is something to be said for not hanging around the wrong people, or making too many personal adjustments to accommodate their negative opinions.
from musikoid :
Not trying to be the Devil's Advocate, but well sure I am. What if it's more than one person who doesn't like the sauce? Like say a 30% cross-section of the populace? Then how does that affect the verdict on its awesomeness? It's not as though Cary's the first person who's ever told me, with some degree of disdain or annoyance, that I talk a lot and go off on a lot of tangents. It's also pretty obvious just looking at his timeline that the conversation about the picture of the two of us together is a lot more interesting to him than anything that was said during our (already briefer) conversation over breakfast. He didn't really want to see me. He only wanted to post something about seeing me on his timeline.
from linguafranca :
Thanks for the heads up about the Temple likes. I haven't decided if I care to hide it or not. I am kind of generally pissed and spoiling for a fight, done hiding who I am for the most part. (Except the fact that I am ok with occasional flag burning-- not coming out with that one just yet!) Plus the Temple is actually really awesome. But I don't know if I am ready to alienate EVERYONE yet. :)
from musikoid :
That sounds good, what you just wrote. I echo that.
from musikoid :
Just to let you know, I've been keeping up but have not yet commented out of not having the confidence to formulate a useful thought on the matter. All I can say is that everything seems tense and in uneasy flux or limbo - (but that tells you nothing.)
from musikoid :
Oh about the diary - maybe I'm just in a good space today (fancy that?) but I think I'll just retain the status quo. DiaryLand generally works for me. A lot of the time, I'll read what I wrote when I was upset with myself and my diary presence, and I'll actually find that it's a positive experience for me to see later what kind of a weird bad space I was in. So I'll just consider it a work-in-progress and move forward. Also, I sent you a Facebook request.
from musikoid :
You do understand, and I can tell that you do, and I am glad that you do. And thank you for saying so. My body basically wants to be outside 100% of the time. This unfortunately is not practical in today's society. It may be that I am not spending enough daytime outdoors. When I was tired the other day I stopped walking and attempted to crash out in a park in the afternoon. I didn't have cardboard, which I'd usually have used to separate me from the grass. The result was that I was immediately accosted by multiple insects, got itchy, couldn't sleep, and gave it up after a few minutes. So - that's how far I am from "homeless preparedness" at this time. But it's good to know I'm not alone in needing a lot of good fresh air. I try not to be boastful when I make claims such as not having worn a jacket since 1985 or running a PR half-marathon in a thunderstorm. (Wearing shorts.) So if it helps any, my body also freaks out when the temperatures get over 70 degrees Fahrenheit. How I lasted as long as I did in California, I have no idea. Thanks again for understanding.
from musikoid :
Thanks for the "heart-felt" affirmation. I think what I wrote in the previous note is sound. I've been all over the map lately, but this will give me something to settle down with. I did idealize Moscow as well as my sister who went to high school here. But both have proven fallible. That sounds silly or even stupid, but I stand a better chance of succeeding here if I recognize its setbacks as well as its benefits, and commit myself to work with them both.
from musikoid :
I recognize that I am not under obligation to play out the previous script, just because it was played out after my father's death, and afforded me some purpose at the time, in getting me to see, ultimately, how I had idolized my father, and thus was unprepared for his loss. When you idolize someone, you essentially deify them - and deities don't die. This is different. I may not have idolized my sister, but I *idealized* her. I took her for granted. I thought she would always be there. Even when I didn't hear from her for weeks on end, she was still somehow there. Her emails, her uniqueness and self-assurance, so distinctive. The way she was always "all by herself" and seemed to want it that way, wanting to comment on my own reality but never offer anything about hers, other than that she was managing, and doing all right. It just seems so sudden, though in reality it must not have been. She just didn't like to divulge information about her health, and was always on the up and up. I just have to process this all, and come to the point where I know she is, on some level, still there. Even though I won't hear from her directly, I somehow know what her comment is. And no, she does not want me to take off randomly as I have so often done. Not that she would worry now, but just that she would see the wrongness of it, and how I could do better. A better thing, rather to avoid my apartment, might be to clean it up, spick and span. Do the opposite of chaos. I haven't lost my job, my apartment, or my bank account yet. These things are important. It shouldn't be too very hard to keep on -- but I might need a little help from my friends.
from musikoid :
Thank you, J.
from musikoid :
Should be the same password now. I'd forgotten I had changed it when I was incognito. I didn't realize till I got your note that you couldn't read. I'm sorry about that.
from linguafranca :
*cringe*. Hugs.
from musikoid :
He lives in Palouse ten or twelve miles north of here and it would be like making him drive down here. However, Paul is here who played with me last night, I can see if I can get the money from him and then Alex can just pay my cut to Paul. It means revealing my financial woes a bit which I hate to do, because I've done it so often in life and it has led to foul consequence, like lectures from rich guys and fits of fury on my part. I guess I can explain that it's not as though I don't have money in the bank, I just don't have the bank card.
from musikoid :
"Mental illness is a really fucked up thing. Even when you know what's causing your pain, that what you're feeling isn't the truth, that doesn't mean you can stop it from hurting." This is what makes it an illness and not a moral choice. Also, you needn't feel bad or even baffled why you should be lonely in light of all those who love and support you. When one does so, I think one only adds guilt to loneliness. Guilt has its purpose, but not in this case. Loneliness is a natural feeling that almost everyone has experienced at some point in their life, no matter what their circumstances. It is nothing of which you need be ashamed - it only means you're human.
from musikoid :
Interesting. Not that I'm interested in m/m romance, but interesting that this should be the subject. Are they on Amazon?
from musikoid :
Sounds wise. By the way, your writing on that note was really great - I'm blown away by how much good writing I find on DiaryLand. Hit and miss, but the good stuff is there. What are your published books about?
from musikoid :
If you want to rant to me I can probably take it. I think I know what you mean, though. I try not to rant too hard on D-Land because it occasionally really turns people off.
from musikoid :
Right. Regretting the past serves no positive purpose. It's almost as though one has to embrace it in order to let go of it. I think you and I are sort of on a parallel thing here, in a way. I hope that whatever the reasons were why you chose to enter into something that your better self knew would be destructive for you, you will not permit such reasons to guide your path in the future. I echo my own hope.
from musikoid :
Everything has its season / Everything has its time / Show me a reason / and I'll soon show you a rhyme...
from musikoid :
Perhaps I mentioned walking past the house where I was born. Although I didn't visually recognize the house (plus it was over-run with foliage), I recognized a distinctly familiar *smell* that I could not place. Also I just gotta say "Corner of the Sky" great song! You know it?
from musikoid :
It seems I had it right, then, pretty much. Interesting about the timing of Manfriend's appearances. Also, just the fact that he would care enough to show up after such a long period of time says something...
from musikoid :
OK I finally got all caught up with your entries. Honestly, in all my recent lack of sleep and stress over this-and-that, I hadn't realized how many I had missed. I am still a bit confused over some of your situations, only because I never did quite tune into them in the first place, and so I'd have to backtrack too much to get clear. It's easier just to ask you. Is "O" in Texas? Or in Tennessee? I mean, I *think* when you said you were in Texas, that meant you were with O. I just am not sure. Also, where are you now? The recent W.U. thing had me a bit perplexed as well. I guess I'm saying, I'm not sure which of your life lies in Texas, and which in Tennessee. That said, I can only empathize with how much a CAT can wreak havoc in a marriage, not that I have anything against cats, but just that the lifelong owner of the cat is more likely than his or her partner to defend the cat when the cat does something excessively cat-like. This was a factor in my marriage as well. Then, in general, about relationships, I am not in the position to say anything astute. I can only make the general and more-or-less obvious observation that the moon turns the tides, and that it is no doubt not a coincidence that ManFriend should show up at the time when perhaps more illumination as to some of the more sordid aspects of your relationship with O was needed.
from musikoid :
Sorry to reveal my narcissism here, but before reading the rest of your entry, my prideful eyes directed me to my first name. I know you weren't criticizing me for the wording, but I almost reworded that part, because of the apparition of arrogance. It's not as though God came down and said: "Hey, speak these words here, Andy." Some of that is just Christian lingo, and I'd sent it to my email list before copying it to Minstrelite, which I usually do in reverse order, so it was kind of a space-out. But past that, I felt like the words were being received positively anyway, and were not the kinds of words that *wouldn't* have been well-received. So that's basically what I meant. If it's good, it's from God. But anyway, I seem to be on the alert against misleading people. Words are very powerful, and the more of them there are, the more prospects there are for misconstrue.
from musikoid :
There was one other thing besides the misleading use of the word "liberal" that bugged me equally in that speech. I just can't remember what it is right now. What I can do is edit the word "liberal" out. That will be easy to do with the software. It might sound a bit abrupt, but that's the lesser of evils. If I can find the other spot, I think it's a matter of removing a couple words, or maybe a sentence. Then I'd be more cool with it all. About my voice, the voice you have for me in your head is probably a lot closer to my casual speaking voice than the voice you hear on the recording. I was purposely talking louder and slower for the sake of 'oratory elocution,' also doctored it up using the Broadcast feature of Adobe Audition 3 to make my voice sound deeper. Added reverb, etc. (Stopped one short of adding applause tracks and incidental underscore music at dramatic moments.) It was a real project. I made each of the nine speeches from two pages of notes, and mostly talked off the top of my head. Hey - thanks for listening and providing some feedback. I think you're only the 4th person who's heard that speech, unless somebody else from DiaryLand has, or somebody listened but never told me they did. About the Street Spirit newspaper in Berkeley, that seems to be exactly what they're doing in Nashville. In Berkeley, though, the papers are technically free of charge, but the homeless vendors request donations. I knew a homeless couple who made $75 a day selling papers at different spots, and every night they were able to get a motel room. They've been living that way for years. They pick up the papers in the morning from this guy whom I refer to as Elmer in my diary (I gave his real name in the speech), and he also gives them a special badge to wear that identifies them. The actual papers are produced in Oakland, he's just the distributor. People always were trying to get me to write for Street Spirit, but Elmer thought that would be a low bar for me. He was trying to get me a job as a columnist with the East Bay Express at the time I decided to vacate the premises. Thanks again - oh, I can't make the heart thing, I keep trying. But here's my smile. :)
from musikoid :
Oh - about the 'homeless-by-choice' man in your neighborhood, it might be more common than one might think. I still prefer, spiritually and physiologally, to sleep outdoors. It sounds as tough he's pretty well-accepted in the community, but in Berkeley the problem with sleeping outdoors lay exclusively in subjecting oneself to the disrespect and violation of those who, for various reasons, would wake you up - or worse, succeed in not waking you up while stealing all your belongings.
from musikoid :
P.S. Did my voice sound like the one you had for me in your head? It wasn't clear. I don't know if you remember bindyree, but we decided to meet up in San Fran one year since she lived near me, and the first time I heard her voice on the phone, each of us said that we sounded just like we thought each other sounded by reading the diaries. That kind of thing is intriguing. I also talked with Illusionless (she had another name before that, though, which I don't remember right now) and she didn't sound at ALL like I thought she would sound (much more energetic and upbeat), and she said I didn't sound at all like she thought I would sound (much younger, she said, flatteringly enough.)
from musikoid :
Thank you so much for listening. I'm sorry if the Matilda story was a trigger. I remember now that a woman who was interested in me for a brief period of time had me over at her house and listened to that speech, and she broke into tears during the Matilda story. It's good to know that the story is powerful, though I wasn't wanting to trigger anyone. Of course, Matilda is a fictitious character, but I met many young people in Berkeley who would attest to such circumstances. I think the points about patience and technology are valuable, though I think there is probably a problem with the stridency of the “choice” issue. At times I think I come across as an arch-conservative who doesn't sympathize with the *conditions* of homelessness, which is not at all the case. Obviously, those conditions are brutal for many people. I would adjust all that, based on what happened the last three years I was in Berkeley. It also wasn't necessary for me to use the adjective “liberal” prior to “social worker” at one point. It's true that most of the people who are involved in helping the homeless are politically liberal – at least in the San Francisco Bay Area – but it misleads, because the point I was trying to make was about the absurdity of fulling empathizing with a homeless person if you are someone who has never been homeless and has no real identification with the homeless experience. I wasn't trying to make a political point; and in fact, I think such points ought in general to be avoided. I did quote William F. Buckley on the work ethic, however, and am comfortable with that quote. But again, conservatives do not have a monopoly on the work ethic (or on any other type of ethic, for that matter.) It would be like saying that Christians had the monopoly on love – a suggestion I also tried very much to avoid. I made this speech about 3 ½ years ago. At the end, I alluded to making plans to return to Berkeley temporarily. I wound up returning permanently – not that I lost the cottage. The landlord didn't want to see me leave, because I was a responsible tenant. But I was drawn back to Berkeley for “more research,” and the second tenure in Berkeley was a nightmare compared to the first. One month later I was subjected to strong-armed robbery for the first time in my life, and this became a trend. I also developed issues with substance abuse of which you are aware. So it really got the better of me the second time around, and I would alter some of the information accordingly. I hope you can regroup and get to the end of the speech. Again, sorry if I triggered you.
from musikoid :
If I'm not mistaken, I just saw the name of the great Madeleine L'Engle among your favorite authors. It's amazing how many people have never heard of her. I think I read *A Wrinkle in Time* every year around Christmas time for about ten years in a row once. I also read the one about the spores, I forget the title now, maybe it was "A Wind in the Door," I'm not sure.
from minstrelite :
If I knew how to make that little heart thing that you always make, I'd make it right now. :)
from linguafranca :
Aw, man. I'm sorry.
from howlingwind :
Sorry the Citrus fruit has gone back to his not so fresh ways. I hope you're able to get your stuff all sorted out.
from musikoid :
I somehow didn't see the part about Jesus. Thanks for reminding me.
from musikoid :
Haven't found it. I deleted my most recent entry, the one you obviously read. I was able to take my mind off of things at the local café, and they actually put my music on their speakers, which was gratifying, since I usually have a hard time getting people to listen to it. But as soon as I re-entered my apartment building, I immediately became enraged. At that moment, all my keys jumped out of my key ring, and it took me ten minutes to locate them on the same-colored floor. I went back into the laundry room and an Asian guy was doing his laundry. I asked if he'd seen it, and he not only said no but discouraged me with his statement that there's no chance I'll ever find it here because the average person who rents these dives would just steal it. This is throwing me back to Berkeley and I don't like it. Thanks for your prayers, however. I have noticed in the past that they have been answered.
from musikoid :
"Loneliness has always been my most powerful motivator. Not often to my betterment." That is an extremely poignant statement.
from musikoid :
I smoked so much more heavily for so many more days than I thought would happen. Then I stopped abruptly. I can hardly sleep for rage. It definitely did affect me adversely. It is not what I expected of it, wasn't my memory of it, at all. I'll send you an email.
from musikoid :
Thanks but things are just getting worse and worse. I've got the double whammy of here I've been high on weed for like nine days now I run out and I don't even want any more but I've got nothing else, no money, no food, no faith. I don't think I came a long way at all, I didn't change at all, the only thing that changed was my circumstances equals money. Money has all the power, always has, there is no God.
from musikoid :
Thanks, J. :)
from musikoid :
Just saw your notes on Minstrelite. Yeah, Jeff is a good guy. We're not as in touch as we used to be, but it's good to hear from him every now and then. He says things are going pretty well - looks like he's lost some weight since I've known him.
from musikoid :
The experiment seems to still be in full swing. On the compliment, my best response is that if it's definitely the best anyone's ever paid you, then it's certainly long overdue.
from musikoid :
Something tells me Jesus is okay with you, in general.
from musikoid :
I saw all that too. I also was unable to change the format, after you pointed out that function. (I'd never seen it before either.) But things seem a bit better. On Minstrelite I'm having no problem. On Musikoid it pulls up "All in the Family" if I'm logged on and I click on "Your diary" (left menu) - but if I click on "Musikoid" either place up top where it's clickable, it leads correctly to "Friendship Square." All this is better than it was - so maybe Andrew's working on it.
from musikoid :
Yes, it's happening with both diaries. No matter which diary I'm logged onto, if I click on "Your diary" it always pulls up the same Musikoid entry, "Call to Action." It's more than annoying. I can click on "Archives" and see all the entries up to "All in the Family" but none past that. It's making me a bit hesitant to keep posting here, because it demands too much of my readers to keep up with me. Hence, I don't receive the full sense of "DiaryLand Gratification" we all crave. (To one degree or another.) By the way, I really enjoyed your recent entry about the road trip, the reconnection with the manfriend, and the poly musings regarding him and O. Lot of stuff going on. But if you've updated since then, I haven't seen it...
from musikoid :
Is anybody besides me having trouble with DiaryLand navigation? My most recent entry at this time is http://musikoid.diaryland.com/uare.html but I'm pretty sure you can't access it except by pasting that url into your browser. It doesn't show up in the archives are on index.html. I'm experiencing a few other sources of frustration here as well, so I thought I'd "ask around." Apologize for leaving the same note for everybody - but in this case, it seems the thing to do. Since I have two diaries, the complications are compounded, and so I'm not sure how much of the current navigation issues are mine & mine alone. Let me know, please, if you can. Thanks.
from musikoid :
You described that kiss very well - ever see Sideways? You'll know what I mean if you did.
from musikoid :
Haha well I must admit I've been secretly hoping people will copy-and-paste it to their Facebook timelines since I don't do Facebook anymore. I sent it to my homeys back in B-town who are all in the mode of Hillary and Trump being the same and "voting their conscience" for third party candidates who don't stand a chance, letting them know that the only other group of people I encounter who take that stance are right-wing fundamentalist wackos who think it doesn't matter who we vote for because "God's gonna put in office who He's gonna put in office" - as though a holy God would want His children to be completely apathetic. I asked the total left-wing radicals if they wanted to be identified with right-wing fundamentalist wackos? Hopefully I'll get through to a couple of them. Enough said.
from minstrelite :
Hey thanks J. As of "Day Two" I am still on track. It's an interesting "challenge."
from musikoid :
That's plenty good right there. :)
from musikoid :
Wow - that's intense about your ex-'manfriend.' It's pretty unusual in my experience that anyone who's ever wronged you on any level ever shows up again with a heart-felt. Maybe something more will come of this?
from musikoid :
No, I don't. It could be one of several names that begin with the letter "M" - but that's only what very brief Internet research has revealed. Or it could be another name entirely, but that *is* indeed interesting.
from musikoid :
Interesting. I thought I knew your real name, but when I looked it up, I couldn't find that.
from musikoid :
Then you are *also* a gift from God. :)
from musikoid :
I figured you were probably an Introvert, and our experience is similar around socializing. I think, however, that I'm actually *more* Introverted than I used to be. I find myself only wanting to be with close friends for any extended period of time, and even then, I prefer it to be one-on-one. The thing about having time to oneself between bouts of social interaction, for me, is like "recharging." Even if I just sit there in a chair feeling drained, permitting my thoughts to space out completely, there is still an effect of an inner battery or operating system being recharged or reset, and I'm usually good to go after a good night's sleep. But it's definitely something I need in order not to become grouchy, surly, and possibly even mean-spirited. + One particular annoyance is that Jim & Greg have taken to parking out in the hallway right across from my door, so I'm encountering them frequently whenever I come home or go out. I don't see why they can't be in either one of their own apartments - it's almost as though they're purposely forcing me to socialize with them. It's a bit irksome.
from musikoid :
I came back. I felt guilty for leaving. I'll just try to be more responsible about it all.
from musikoid :
I'm leaving DiaryLand. There are healthier ways for me to process all this information (if at all) -- we have each other's emails. Thanks for your support, and take care.
from musikoid :
Actually things have gotten distinctly better inside my head within the past hour or so, and I in fact wondered if somebody was praying for me.
from musikoid :
A large part of my problem right now is that I keep imagining the worst. "The debit card must be lost in the mail," "it's never going to get here." For some reason, I can't imagine actually receiving the card, and paying my rent, and buying groceries, and having little bits of coffee money. I just can't imagine anything happening but some kind of crisis that will cause all the good things that I thought were happening to dissolve into oblivion. It's a wretched mental state and an unfamiliar one. Before, even when I was out on the streets, there was always a free meal someplace, always a handout somewhere, always a way to get what I wanted without a State photo I.D. card. My whole problem is that I'm assuming everything I thought was going my way is now going to be taken from me, all because of this one insurmountable obstacle, which I also assume is insurmountable.
from whystinger :
Thanks for the note. I did interview for two positions on Friday, even though I thought I was interviewing for one. I have not been offered the job yet and I am already struggling with the decision. A week ago I felt I was a shoe in, then I was not sure. Now I am in limbo wondering what the fuck I should do. Current job is grueling with the travel, but there are perks, such as I get to look for and eat at some cool places. Having some time at home is also appealing. Being an hour away from where Honi lives is NOT appealing, would rather be farther away. The current house if a mess and I am really getting down on myself. Sheesh!
from whystinger :
I was spanked a time or two as a child. I remember really once spanking and while my Dad threatened to use a belt, he only used his hand and no pull the pants down stuff. Neighbor's Mom did the spank the bare butt and as a young child, I thought that was pretty odd, as well as other kids in the neighborhood who were spanked. I remember getting scolded a lot and the threatened spankings, but usually straightened up with just the threat.
from musikoid :
Briefly, my thoughts on spanking are somewhat akin to yours. It's awful when it's done either in the heat of fury or the freeze of cold-hearted sadism. Also, with the hand, not in a way to cause or indicate real lasting hurt, but to get the child's attention when spinning out of control. Unfortunately, my ex and I had read books on the matter from Christian sources at the time that were so ass-backwards (no pun intended) it wound up being very destructive to the psyche of my stepdaughter. I could elaborate, but mainly the idea was *never* to use the hand, but always a paddle that you kept hanging up on a wall somewhere in plain 24/7 sight of the child - an ominous reminder that a spanking was a real possibility, and could happen at any time. That kind of instilling the Fear of Rod into the child is, now that I look back on it, extremely demeaning and injurious to a growing human being's self-esteem at a formative stage. My thoughts, in the present day, briefly.
from musikoid :
Got it on the poly thing. My experience is limited but memorable.
from musikoid :
That's what *I* thought! I think neither of them knew that, and though I'm sure Tom was thinking he was doing righteously - well, you know, Hanlan's Razor applies: "Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity." The thing is, I did bring it up to Norman because I sort of *had* to, in the context of the flow of it, and when I quoted what Tom had said, Norman just grimaced, as in, already thinking how inappropriate it was. Really, I don't know what I'm worried about. The main thing is to just ride it out. Pretty soon it will all be over -- I just don't want to assume I've got it in the bag until it's actually in that bag, and tightly secured therein.
from musikoid :
poly, as in -- polyamorous?
from musikoid :
Funny how that happens. :)
from musikoid :
Empathy vs. sociopathy - what a combo. I don't have much to say except that I'm finding it interesting that the word "Empath" has come up twice in one day. I used it chatting with Echo by saying to her: "You're an empath" which led to a definition of it and a perusal of an Internet site pertaining. But I hadn't used that word in years. Then I read it in your diary. I do think that I am naturally empathic - I feel the pain of others, and I also identify strongly with things I haven't even experienced, as when they are expressed to me I feel the feeling of it as well as hear the words. However, because I took so much LSD, I developed a drug-related sociopathy that has tainted the purity of the empath. The same thing happened with my ex, unfortuately. If I have any more clarity on this, I'll report again later. It's interesting that it came up, and also interesting that I just recently had pink-eye for the first time since I was a seven year old boy in Virginia.
from musikoid :
Oh - I know! I was really embarrassed - and relieved. Good thing I didn't implicate the Resident Tweaker to anyone. I did mention something about it to one gal, Nicole, whom I met on the first day, when I enquired as to whether the apartments might be "over-run with tweakers." She told me on that day: "Moscow is a special place." Then today she said it's rare that one finds that kind of shit going on Up Here. She said in this town, you have to pretty much be actively looking for trouble, to find it.
from musikoid :
Thanks, Jamie. Hope you get over your flu soon. :)
from musikoid :
That must be stressful, to have to constantly be concerned about losing your dogs.
from linguafranca :
Well, anxiety goes kind of hand in hand with autism too. So it's not necessarily either/or. I have quite a nice list of good articles and blogs at this point, let me know if you want a data dump. It has been especially illuminating to read things from the perspective of autistics, as opposed to neurotypicals' descriptions of autistic traits. For example I thought "well but I've never had an autistic meltdown", and then I read an autistic's description of a meltdown and was like ohhhh...oh I have. I just didn't know it.
from howlingwind :
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. My mom always wants to discuss everything you are eating and then tells you everything you should be eating. Ugh. Sounds like an overall good trip. :-)
from whystinger :
We think alike
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better soon. I've not been around due to too much work travel.
from whystinger :
Sounds like Saturday was exhausting. Very nice of the two of you to go, they probably needed the support especially with Mr. Insensitive...
from linguafranca :
Vaguelanding. And making us nosy people very frustrated. ;)
from whystinger :
Wow, your update is fairly cryptic... but you are entitled to that. I did snoop on the blog and read a bit of the novel. I thought what I read was good and I may have to buy the book after I finish a few I have started. As for Maria, at times I thought I there may have been some chemistry, but that could be her nature or my longing for a decent relationship. She did have a caring manner about her, but occasionally I saw her eyes sparkle and I wondered... then figured it must be my imagination. Maybe it is just my joy of not having to worry about pissing off Honi. Life has been so much more pleasant, even missing the cats.
from whystinger :
By the way, I agree, my life is mine again and I am happier!
from whystinger :
Note... better left on email, if I remember
from cocoabean :
Maybe your aunt has early onset of Alzheimers or something like that.. sounds like a doctors visit is in order..
from whystinger :
Yes, the gay/bi guy sure does have a lot of issues. He is very intelligent, but very strange and had some boundary issues too. He means well most of the time, but can be super critical and judgmental, yet gets pissed if someone treats him that way. My transgender friend, on the other hand seems to be comfortable with who she is, her kids support her decision, but she sometimes "drops off the face of the earth" if too many hassle her. She was pretty upset a few years ago (and justified too) when her former brother-in-law started asking questions about her vagina and started acting aggressive. She sensed something bad about to go down and got the hell out of there. At one time I was really curious about her change (mainly why) but quickly just accepted her and lost the curiosity.
from whystinger :
I did not realize that Lucifer was called Morning Star. What a coincidence! I will be laughing at this for some time. Sorry to hear about the nightmares. Those always suck and are unnerving. As for rfb, she is projecting and is probably jealous that you are doing well. I am sorry that you have that to deal with. It is a shame she cannot be happy with how your life is going.
from howlingwind :
I hope your nightmares go away. Rfb is just projecting. I don't know I'm just making shite up. :-p
from cocoabean :
eh, just do what you want, and let rfb live with your decision.
from whystinger :
I am glad you are doing better. Friday was definitely an upswing. I left there on a pretty good high.
from whystinger :
How are you doing?
from whystinger :
I hope you are feeling better.
from whystinger :
I will agree with you about the eyes thing because I allegedly have blue eyes, but they have turned hazel over the years, except as "Honi" used to say, they turn blue with I bullshit (she called it lying).
from howlingwind :
Thanks for the messages. Just saying hi. Listening to some movie about becoming spiritual. What else is new? I hope you're enjoying your Sunday. :-)
from whystinger :
It figures... we have had similar experiences with probiotics. I first started taking them after sort of similar. I don't remember if I started taking them on my own (after reading The Yeast Connection) or if it was after a bad case of food poisoning, but it was while in NJ and when I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. Part of it was allergies and here the allergies are a challenge too... I too, got my Mom to get on probiotics, years after some very serious colon surgery and when she finally listened, it made a difference. Time for me to get back on them!
from whystinger :
I don't know what happened. Feel free to erase the duplicates if you wish. Hopefully, this note will enter ONE TIME! ha ha ha
from whystinger :
I want to hear more about the resort. Think I need to live vicariously through a few people... Now I need to remember what I wanted to email you about - probably a bit about the resort... Ha.
from whystinger :
Well, YOU know I get lazy and procrastinate. I decided that credit goes to who it is due (you know I am too responsible to not) and this is a way of pushing myself to get off my as, FIX it and use the new one and CREDIT. Shit, I need to send you an email. As soon as I stop procrastinating a few other things... LOL
from whystinger :
Visited a resort, how awesome. I am happy for you. I have been told by a few that at those places, there is very little intimate contact and things are pretty "normal" except for the clothes and most of the experiences are just like you had. Good for you! As far as missing the "are they lesbians" entry - that was easy. I had tired out and finished the entry much later. With the neighbor, I knew the grill was not about the grill, but about something more. Later, I realized that because I did not let her in the house and she seemed to be pissed or not happy about it, she thought I had someone in there that I was banging. My intent was to just start to discourage the connection and to establish boundaries. It worked well, then I was gone the next weekend and she probably thinks I was away banging someone. Take care!
from minstrelite :
I hadn't checked the notes on this diary for a really long time, only on my other diary. So I got all three of the last three of your notes at once. It took a while, but I was able to match up which applied to what, and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you till now. Anyway, I figured you typed kind of fast, because you're able to put down a lot of words at once in your entries, sort of like me, I think. The brevity of some writers isn't so much stylistic as in a physical constraint; that is, they don't want to take the laborious time it would take to type out all their thoughts. Some think elaborately, some think concisely, but you and I both seem to think in such a way that connotes a fast typing speed. It's reflected in our styles. (I know, spacey comment of the year.)
from whystinger :
I should read yours. I have decided that once I get a bit caught up, I will resume more reading! Of all sorts.
from musikoid :
I know you're right about the weed, and ultimately it needs to be ditched. Right now it seems to be taking the edge off of a difficult time physiologically. But it's making it more difficult to get up the motivation to address difficult situations and make the needed changes.
from whystinger :
Yes, it was a nice dream. Really nice. I would sure like to revisit that one.
from lust- :
Thanks for the note. I had a feeling it may have been a mental issue and it's a bit of a relief to know that was probably the case. You never really know with people. I'm glad I didn't fall too hard for him. Would've been worse if it went on any longer, I'm sure. Anyway, thanks again! Have a good one!
from whystinger :
Yes. You had the right email. Yes, I am nosy. Oh, and THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from whystinger :
It was a long time ago, but I definitely listened to the dream. (this will sound crazy) I remember when I woke up I felt as God had spoke to me, I just had this very strong feeling "stay away from these false religious folks." At the time they were soliciting "love gifts" (money) and "partnering with them (again sending money). Ironic that shortly after the empire did start crumbling and Swaggert had his do to. The day that happened I had this feeling that someone was telling me all day "I told you so." After that dream/vision I got cable. Now I am not sure if I will or will go otherwise, like Apple TV or Netflix. I will watch for the email, not sure which one(s) of mine you have. I had to open a new one for the divorce, for more privacy and I use a about four different ones for different things. Don't check the main one often because every company I have done business with sends me shit... even when I unsubscribe. It is like junk mail, you can cut it down, but not eliminate it. shit, this will be longer, sorry :-) As far as for the search on OkCupid (not used it yet) and not knowing a lot about pansexual, but reading a bunch about gender and bisexual, I think more women identify with Bi more than not and more men with Pan, probably due to stigma and such (of Gay). I would think women would find you attractive because you are attractive. Don't rush it and don't get discouraged.
from musikoid :
i found your email and sent the new user-pass
from musikoid :
actually shoot me your addy again i'm late for work
from musikoid :
check your email -
from minstrelite :
I just got all three of your notes - I forgot I was on Minstrelite and not on Musikoid. I'm about like you on the typing, maybe a bit faster, between 80 and 120 somewhere. People always tell me they've never ever heard somebody type so fast, but they haven't heard this one other guy named Kit Wilder who types as fast as I do. He said his was 120, and if he wasn't exaggerating, that sounds about right. Sometimes they think I'm just messing around and not really typing, and I have to actually show them the text for them to believe it. I've also been known to fall sleep while typing and wake up still typing. I'm not sure what that says.
from whystinger :
LOL, I know. I was in a restaurant, banging away (well trying to) on my iPad and dinner arrived. I hit done so I wouldn't lose what I started and went back and added. Thanks for watching my back! I appreciate it.
from whystinger :
One of the things I was to mention what that I too, have hit a wall in motivation and I need to get it back. It has been a while since I ran and that usually makes it painful for the first week or two. Oh, and you look great in those pictures.
from whystinger :
I'm used to Honi cyber-stalking me and I sometimes get paranoid and don't post on FB. What I was going to say by your pic was that you are looking great. I can see the difference and it is really good! I need to get back on my exercise program and eat right.
from whystinger :
Congratulations for the inches lost. That is fabulous! I was going to put a comment on one of your pictures, but do not know if that was ok, plus I am not sure Honi is off FB. I think that is great (loss). I had a bit more to tell you but all of a sudden I have blanked out and need to sleep. Oh, the cigs. Yep bad stuff. I hope he quits and you don't go back to smoking. I did for a while and that was no help in my life.
from minstrelite :
I don't get the cravings on a physical level anymore. It will be 23 years this New Year's. But every now and then, the psychological obsession returns. Often, at a bus stop in the rain, there's something of an allure to the picture of a lone smoker standing there a-waiting -- but it's never so much as to get me to actually light up. Not to mention, I'd either have to buy or bum, and neither choice is acceptable to me. I've heard the words "spare a cigarette?" too many times in the past 4 1/2 years to ever permit them to proceed from my mouth. By the way, how fast do you type?
from cocoabean :
Cravings come back at the oddest moments.. and I'm not sure they ever stop completely. At least the craving isn't that strong after 30 years haha. The biggest downside to starting to smoke again is knowing that you will have to quit again. And the smell. Ick.
from musikoid :
I like the word clusterfuck.
from musikoid :
Check your email for the new user/pass. I was advised to change the user/pass because the password had gotten into the hands of somebody who should not be reading my diary.
from musikoid :
I love you as a friend as well, and I regret having flipped out so flagrantly. I also regret that I've not yet gotten to your journal, although I do remember the password now. I'm behind on everybody, just because there has been so much going on. About the Bible, I believe it has to be interpreted correctly; I also believe there are multiple interpretations on multiple levels; and that there are several different ways of interpreting it that cause every word in the book to appear to be true, even passages that are mysoginistic or anti-gay, which in my opinion are the worst parts of this most amazing book. If I can remember that those parts came exclusively from St. Paul, and not from Christ, it is helpful. Paul himself will qualify his statements as coming from himself alone, but he also will point out when it is that he believes his statements reflect divine revelation. It's an amazing book, and will always remain my favorite, even if only on a literary level. Some of the best poetry I have ever read is in the Bible, and it is regrettable that for political reasons it is no longer a part of standard academic teaching. I was fortunate enough to have a literature teacher who quoted the Psalms and the Song of Solomon frequently, so that even before I became a Christian, I knew the Bible to be an outstanding masterpiece. About Christ, you're right. God needed to become human (at least in part) in order to achieve empathy with the sentient aspect of his creation. Man simply could not have come up with a story so weird. But there are a lot of levels to this as well - perhaps we shall talk later. I get jazzed whenever I go to a Bible study, no matter whether liberal, conservative, exclusive, inclusive, or what-have-you. I simply love the Book. But loving the Book and loving God are two different things -- and God is MUCH MUCH MORE than just the Book. Thank you for your wise words.
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the 18 inches. Pretty awesome. :-)
from whystinger :
Sounds like you have been having a bang up time! Glad for you! Read back a few, on Mrs. Dash - good spice mix for a lot of things.
from musikoid :
I went without sugar for twenty days recently, and everything about me became better. In my case, I actually gained weight, because I started eating more good things, and not relying so much on "quick fix" sugar productions when I didn't want to hassle mustering up a decent meal. Plus my blood sugar level went back down and they no longer squawked about hypoglycemia or the risk of diabetes. Good luck on keeping up that diet.
from musikoid :
Yeah, that's what somebody else said, too.
from whystinger :
Easier this time = making life changes. Not worried about sculpting? I agree, keep the work up and that will enable you to sculpt when you want. I did a lot of waling in Puerto Rico and need to keep it up, in between running days. I need to re-arragne my life and possibly start my workouts in the morning, which will be difficult for me to do.
from whystinger :
your entry = fucking awesome!
from musikoid :
Actually, no I won't. I had decided this shortly after I left the note, but right now, I can't find the typos right off the bat, but I see what I wrote, and it's just really weird. I'll have to read your note again to see what I would have responded had I been in my right mind. Sorry about that.
from musikoid :
I'm extremely compelled to do a remake of my lengthy note due to the preponderance of typographical errors and similar related areas. I'm not sure if that's my ego, or if the note is truly as embarrassing as I suspect. In either case, expect a rewrite. Thanks, Jamie.
from musikoid :
I was just reading your note again. I read it a few days ago but hadn't yet responded. I just want to say, not only "thank you" for that, but also that this is a well thought-out perspective, and one from which I stand to gain if I can access this perspective with any facile or frequency. It is the search for the soul that is the utmost search of any man, I think -- or of any human being who somehow has been committed by the own volition to life in which spiritual growth or evolution was paramount, and was the undeniable object of all things -- despite rants or reservations to the contrary. Somebody once said that we make this decision before we are even born, if we make it at all. That's how deep it is - and everyone who makes this decision has to "wrestle with the Angel" -- the "Angel" in this context being Satan. That is not a Christian or biblical way of looking at things, but there's a certain sense to it. Throughout history, those whose lights have shined the brightest seem to have the biggest dark sides as well. But the search is born of the awareness that one only instantiates or approximates his soul, at very best, and that the assimilation of the entire soul as rasion d'etre is the only thing that makes for a happy death. So it drives one -- even if one thinks his death might be happier under some lesser set of conditions. That lesser set of conditions could never be manifested were one not identified completely with his true soul and not just with the unreasonable facsimile his intellect has offered in its stead. So put simply, no I am not my diseases as they say. But the diseases are there or a reason.
from whystinger :
Sorry you had a shit day too. In a way, it was comforting that I was not the only one. May we both has spectacular weeks coming...
from whystinger :
Sorry. Didn't mean to be cryptic.
from whystinger :
Was going to leave a note, but may email, may not. BTW, I will probably get your help in the template after the move when I have a good internet connection. Thanks!
from whystinger :
Oh, I will take you up on that offer. Move out date looms...
from howlingwind :
Ha - you should call his bluff and bring some random chick home saying you want her to be your piece on the side. See what happens. I'm just sayin. :-p
from musikoid :
I don't remember it - it was probably in my hotmail somewhere, but Microsoft zapped six years of emails (including work I'd saved in attachments) and I probably lost it then.
from musikoid :
do you have my user/pass these days? you may have it, if you wish . . .
from whystinger :
Rather than leave a message, I decided to either email you or message you...
from whystinger :
Congratulations on the book! I so want to read it. Just returned from TN and wondered how y'all were doing. Hopefully I will be back this time next month.
from cocoabean :
Hooray!
from howlingwind :
Yay!! Published Author!! Woot!!
from whystinger :
WOW! Excellent! I am glad O and you are working as a team, for some reason, that pleases me. I am happy about the book, the new writer friend and all. I don't care for homophobia, but at one time I was homophobic (years ago), until I learned. If I had enough to tell you, I would drop you an email. Cheers!
from whystinger :
Thanks for the wishes! I do vouch for Stepfordtart.
from stepfordtart :
Yeh, we good! Thanks everso :-) Im in now and a'snoopin' around! s x
from jaysthoughts :
Why?
from jaysthoughts :
Locked.
from stepfordtart :
Hello WW! If youre a friend of whystinger then you're automatically my bestie, too (sorry 'bout that!) - any chance of a pw/un? Would very much like to snoop in your diary. Wyatt! Vouch for me over here, willya? s x
from whystinger :
Nashville will be sometime in the 4th week of Sept so... Still, love to have a cup of coffee. I will be limited in time and will fly in this time. Also will be in Birmingham that week. I think Nashville is an amazing place too, along with Savannah. I have been mourning Savannah and I mourn losing Nashville. I will run one last time in Nashville. Twice now I have run (in different spots) by the River. LOVE THE PLACE! I believe O has probably changed. I believed Honi had changed and she did, but she slowly changed back. I was weary of the changes, because I detected that she was on best behavior. We were on another honeymoon phase and I could do no wrong. She behaved for over a year, but she was very conscious that I could move out. Now she is comfortable and is reverting back to controlling. Maybe it means I need to grow more. I regret letting her drop us out of couple's therapy, as that held her accountable. I am still pleased with your success in the marriage and I applaud you two. Congrats on what you mentioned today in the FB post. I am excited for you. Don't get discouraged, it is difficult for anyone to get published, unless you are famous. I have a feeling you will get that, but DON'T get discouraged. IT may take time. Usually it comes when you least expect. Hugs! Oh, and thanks!
from whystinger :
I'm glad you updated, good to hear what is going on. Before the upcoming change, I "lost" the Nashville location, but I get one chance to visit Nashville soon, part of a different project. I will miss Nashville too. I am pleased for you and O, hearing that things are very good. I hope and pray the remain so. While I am happy for you, I am also a bit wistful that I was not able to get my marriage in nearly as good shape. It does take two. You say you are mentally and emotionally healthier. That is so important. Are you still getting exercise? Sounds like it. I will say the pan-sexual thing took me a minute to get my head wrapped around. I think it was a further explanation and a small bit of research that helped me understand. I found the concept to be interesting. Glad things are well!
from whystinger :
The move will push things either way. Sad to be leaving this area, yet is may be a good break point. She is "hovering" like crazy. Getting so agreeable, in fact, she is now interested in going to my car club meeting with me. That is a first. How are you?
from whystinger :
The ad has not popped up again for me. Wondering what is up? Please see if it pops up for you again.
from whystinger :
I had the same ad pop-up on my page. Wonder if it is D-land or have I been hacked? Any ideas?
from linguafranca :
Oh, good. Relieved.
from cocoabean :
you could change the password and the contact email, and they would never get in that page again!
from whystinger :
You are online and not updating???
from howlingwind :
Lizards live in my back yard too. There were a bunch of baby ones running around for a while. You don't usually see those in the wild too often. :-)
from whystinger :
Thanks for the note. Something was definitely different with the couple's therapist. When she talked about Ob-Gyns dispensing anti-depressants, I was worried she was going to refer Honi to her Ob-Gyn but she did not. I did make sure to hold my tongue (listen without interrupting) and I did not argue with the couple's therapist. On a few occasions in the past, she mentioned me challenging her. Could it be I was different? Maybe. Something was different with her also, for sure. I was very glad she pushed for the psychiatrist.
from howlingwind :
I hope the job works out still. Bumdrag. :-(
from howlingwind :
Happy b-day!
from whystinger :
Sounds like things are well. Bravo!
from howlingwind :
Glad you're making new amigos/as :-)
from linguafranca :
Hey, awesome. Rock on, as they say.
from whystinger :
Thanks! It is an awesome trip.
from whystinger :
I do need to find my voice, that is why I wanted to go think & walk before I discussed going back to couples therapy. I DO need to say those things and soon.
from whystinger :
Wow! Awesome.
from whystinger :
Your input is always welcome.
from whystinger :
You have been busy! I hope all is well
from whystinger :
Wow! subconscious! Could be because this friend in the dream is/was friends with both of us. A double hit because I am realizing that I am getting tired of making the efforts that are not productive and have backed off of the trying. The friend is a trusted advisor, but not in relationships. Makes sense, as I have come to realize that while I do not want to be married to her, I do value her friendship.
from barank :
only two other users on line right now and you're both locked :-( what happened to diaryland?
from whystinger :
Ha! the "men are like chevys" comment came from the couple's therapist, the one you (rightly so) did not like. She had some other comment, but I forget exactly what it was.
from whystinger :
That was an EXCELLENT article! Truly. One of the best!
from whystinger :
Forgot to ask, was that article on CFL/LED one you wrote?
from whystinger :
Remember that entry, about almost swerving into a truck was from 16 years ago. Probably about 1997, before I took her to a psychiatrist. I don't know why I posted it, but I woke up, remembered it and HAD to post it.
from se7enchance :
I wish. I could read. Your diary.
from cocoabean :
I work with someone who eats very noisily, with her mouth open, and the short time I spend in the break room with her is more than enough! Ugh!!
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better soon and heal fast! Happy Thanksgiving.
from whystinger :
Hopefully I will catch you while you are on here... Yay for you and the job!
from whystinger :
Ha a ha ha ha ha ha... sorry, not trying to cyber sex. Still, thanks for making me laugh this morning!
from whystinger :
I now know that the loin came out to your pleasing! Smoking is awesome!
from whystinger :
Could it be growth?
from linguafranca :
Oh, you can do it! And it'll just get easier and more comfortable for you with practice/experience/familiarity.
from whystinger :
I think perhaps you are right. One is pretty overweight. I suspect that may have to do with itl
from whystinger :
The first two ladies were not dressed where it would show anything and I was not glancing that way. I just get curious and thought it was funny how I worried about it. I am not as well in touch with my body's hunger signals, so I think I need to start working with the hunger scale again. It did well before for me. Funny, but it works better for me when I am on the road and eat by myself. I have been having trouble making time for exercise and that doesn't help. Good to hear from you!
from whystinger :
Have you tried the hunger scale? I need to work with that more. I am still running and that helps. I find it easier to control my eating when I exercise. If you have an iPhone, there is an App. If not, then Google hunger sale. It helps if I log/journal what I eat and how hungry I am before during and after eating. Turns out I am out of touch with my body and feelings. Also, I have realized that part of my problem is I don't balance my diet well enough.
from whystinger :
Wow, no update since 9/16! Things must be busy! I know I have been. I hope things are well! (as I suspect they are)
from howlingwind :
Thanks for your support. I might take you up on it. I'm glad the wedding went so well. :-)
from linguafranca :
<3 I only wish I was watching Supernatural, though. J gets to somehow, though.
from cocoabean :
Yeah, I've been trying the smaller portions idea and cutting out the snacking.. I lost 5 pounds this week, but I think part of that was not eating so much fast food like I did when Dude was here (and I gained 5 lbs!)
from cocoabean :
All those little victories add up... good going!
from whystinger :
Sometimes I just have to veg and regroup. Sometimes that makes me depressed or reflective, especially. The regrouping helps.
from whystinger :
Now I have to figure out how to use my Kindle software and buy your new book and my cousin's book off Amazon! You must be having a great time since no updates! Bravo!
from whystinger :
What can I say, running has helped my boobs a lot - helped my "man-boobs" shrink.
from whystinger :
Losing weight is a trip. You starve and starve and don't lose, then one pigs out and weight is dropped. Weight Watchers counselor used to admonish "eat all your points" and when I did eat all my allotted points, I would drop. If I starved, no drop. Seems that if you go under a certain point (of consuming calories), your bod goes into conservation mode and you don't lost much weight. Also, if your eating habits are pretty rigid and you break them, it can also trigger a weight loss. I would stop eating burgers and fried, eat a set lunch every day. When I hit a plateau, I would go for burger and fries and then drop. Seems eating is sort of like exercise, you have to show your body something different. sounds good, except for Mange.
from whystinger :
Yes
from whystinger :
If you feel sexy, you ARE!
from linguafranca :
Well, the idea of everyone pitching in and helping maintain the home is not bad in principle...particularly if the burden of it would otherwise fall on one person (mom). It just turns out that asking over and over and passive-aggressive behavioral manipulation techniques are not the right ones to employ if you want results.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I don't really get it either. I think she would _say_ someone should just do what's right for them, but at the same time she would feel any differences of her own very acutely. I mean, whenever J or BIL joke about me bring weird, she hastens to reassure me that of course I'm not. As if being weird is undesirable or something? Things are done how they are done and that's that. And if you think outside that box, danger! Someone might think you're different! Ah well. She does a much better job of working within the system than I do, because she is personally invested in it.
from zenayda :
Ah, people backing out. Yep, that's the issue with bidding sites, aside from their exploitative Third-World rates. If you're going through Elance, oDesk, and those folks, it's going to be an uphill fight. There is a writer who does a lot for her fellow scribes, Carol Tice. She has a blog and a newsletter called Make a Living Writing. I highly recommend them.
from howlingwind :
congrats on the employment :-)
from zenayda :
Hi Word! Sorry it has been a few days. I was out of town. Drop a line to beltway belle (one word) at yahoo dot com and I'll send you the combo. :-)
from linguafranca :
Squats are apparently a bit tricky to do right. I've been doing them wrong, too. Check out this post: http://www.alignedandwell.com/katysays/you-dont-know-squat/ and the follow-up one she links to too for details. I tucking pelvis is important. I'm still not sure I'm doing that right, but my butt hurt a little the other day so I guess that's a good sign.
from cocoabean :
that's zenayda. oops.
from cocoabean :
You really should read zenyada.. note her for the password!
from howlingwind :
Thanks. :-)
from whystinger :
Congratulations on the 7 lbs. you beat me. Shaky muscles! I love it. My core muscles were like that after the recent yoga class!
from whystinger :
What kind of people would set up a married man with a "date?" Not the kind of people I would want to hang out with. That is pretty creepy and over the top. That really is scummy. That says they don't feel a lot about you OR the lady they introduced him to or marriage. Long ago, that sort of happened to me. I was told she was "in the process of divorcing." I later learned that she pursued me, as a tool to get her out of her marriage. I found out they were only separated in the "eleventh hour" and figured out she was only using me. I have never talked with those people again and that was 25 years ago. I still regret it and still feel bad that I was a pawn.
from whystinger :
You don't really know what J told the woman that introduced him to their single friend. You have mentioned possible things affecting him (similar to Honi) so he may have not been as innocent. Yes, it does take two to tango and I don't have both sides of the story, but as my T pointed out, it is not always a two way street. One can have more effect than the other. I am glad you are not starving and are getting some exercise. You should be proud of your weight loss. I think you have me beat!
from whystinger :
Wow! tons of emotions come cascading to the surface. Do remain civil. Have that self respect and that will gnaw at him. It wasn't wasted time, but it sure feels like it. This was all part of it and it sucks, but still, that is how life goes and it hurts. This is how we are forged and while it sucks, that is life. Words are easy to come by, but hard to live by. Even if you found someone first and wanted out, if he beat you to the punch line, it would still hurt. I wish I could say something soothing, but I know not much will sooth. I just hope and pray I don;'t say something stupid that hurts more. I don't know what to say. While you are not eating as much, remember to exercise a bit and to eat a bit so that your body doesn't go into conservation mode. Peace.
from howlingwind :
sending healing vibes ~~~
from linguafranca :
::hugs::
from whystinger :
Our minds are like file cabinets of sorts. All the memories are packed away in there somewhere. Sometimes all it takes is talking to someone out of the past and we start to "find" or recover these memories. That can be very cool!
from whystinger :
Working on me is the best plan, like you say, if I stay or go. If it goes like it should, it should make things better (according to a few therapists) and help me stay. It may not do much according to my T (not the Couple's T). Either way, it is like the airline, I have to put my oxygen mask on first, before I can help her. I have realized she doesn't like when I take care of me.
from linguafranca :
Just saw your note re: Pollan. I was talking with J about this, and he clarified the objections a bit. Basically, no matter what the 'ideal' is (Pollan stipulates that EVERYONE should cook more), in reality the burden would fall disproportionately on women, who don't really need any more housework. Particularly single mothers, or those working A LOT and raising kids. They already have enough guilt foisted on them without being told they're failing by not cooking more. Same with domestic workers who cook for others (women of color, often). And finally, there are those for whom obtaining fresh food at all is quite difficult-- "food deserts" and all. Pollan frames it as a choice about what to do with one's leisure time, but that assumes one has some leisure time. But yeah, I tend to think everyone should cook more, and we should try to fix things so that everyone CAN. Not just tell them they're bad people if they don't (which is also what some people think Pollan does, I guess).
from howlingwind :
hmm - maybe watch a few episodes of the dog whisperer for some ideas? Dogs and donkeys maybe aren't that different? Okay - maybe a bad idea. Maybe don't be so nice and be more alpha donkey? Or disregard completely. Happy Friday and good luck. :-)
from linguafranca :
Well, you managed to make it sound kinda funny on FB. And here it wasn't funny at all. I think you should take to playing "Muleskinner's Blues" (Dolly, Jimmy, or Lux, your choice. Maybe all three) before you tend to him from now on.
from whystinger :
things sound better!
from linguafranca :
That all sounds very good to me.
from howlingwind :
Sending you good vibes for your attic cleaning/life changing project. :-)
from whystinger :
Gut feelings - I think we should listen more to our gut. In fact, that was one of the things I wanted to write about the other day but did not. I once worked with a guy who had an incredible gut feeling and was in-tiouch with it. I started to develop it when I worked with him oh-so many years ago. My therapist (the good one) says "it worked well for two million years keeping us alive - listen to it.
from linguafranca :
Aaarrggh. I'll say it again, for you this time.
from whystinger :
You will get through this... don't you hate when well meaning folks say that? How about: "This too, just like gas, shall pass..." I hate brown recluse spiders and black widows. Do use caution and take care.
from whystinger :
I'm thinking I wrote the note and must have never clicked done... Hugs.
from whystinger :
Did a note of mine disappear, was erased of did I not leave it? Maybe I emailed it... Anyway, I hate when someone tells me (wife) that my feelings are not valid. Your feelings are real, even though others may not feel them. I have missed something here too. HOpe I have the time to go back and read.
from linguafranca :
Whoa! I don't know whether to send congratulations or sympathies; it is what it is I guess. Can't say you didn't make an effort (at least as far as I can tell from way back here in the cheap seats).
from howlingwind :
'tis the year to end relationships that no longer work methinks! My BFF is once again trying to end the madness with the sleazy former hair plug salesman - maybe the mental health of the kiddo will finally be the incentive she needs. :-)
from cocoabean :
I know what I would say to an ultimatum like that.
from musikoid :
I just started reading you again, and that's great about your Uncle's response to the book you wrote.
from linguafranca :
I thought they looked like prairie dogs, but they were too small...but a prairie dog is a type of squirrel?! Mind. Blown.
from whystinger :
I love beer bread. I have a recipe, which I need to find, from when I moved out of the house.
from cocoabean :
Honesty is the best!
from cocoabean :
Sounds like my ex. Once he decided what he wanted to do, it didn't matter at all what I wanted. He once told me that he was compromising.. by letting me voice my opinion, but we were always going to do what he wanted. He didn't get what he wanted in the end though, because I left. It's nice to be able to decide things for myself, rather than be told what I will do with my life.
from howlingwind :
Thanks for your notes. I never did finish the court reporting class. Well, I just never got to the speed I needed and blah. Sigh. The visit with the relatives sounds like a good idea. :-)
from whystinger :
Read your note to me from 2/17. Part of it makes me say "WOW" (especially the part about questioning one's own sanity, been there too much over the years!). Then again, I shouldn't be surprised as we have discussed some of this before... I am not sure all with mental illnesses can tell when something is wrong, or they don't remember later. I know when I suffer from depression, I don't usually know until it has fucked with me for a while. for me it builds slowly. I have been taught "they may know, but not be able to put their finger on it." I have also been taught the reasons some do not take their meds. You've read before where I say I am lucky, because my wife always takes her meds. Yet, problem is, there are things she can do to help reduce her dependence on the meds, yet she doesn't do them. While it is difficult for me to understand this, I also experience a bit of that. I think lately I am circling the toilet of depression. A bit of sleep and exercise would help, but I don't always do the exercise (like lately) and I find I CRAVE the exercise, so I know my body is calling for it. It can be a vicious circle and easy to get caught up in. Thanks for the message, it has me THINKING!
from whystinger :
I do understand the frustrations with mentally ill not taking their meds. I can see it being a REAL BIG problem for those with BPD and Narcissism. I also knew a person with Bi-Polar disorder who LOVED the manic feeling and loved to try to toss the dice and stop the meds, hoping for a manic episode. Instead, usually he would get a depression... Of course, not taking the meds can cause more damage and MORE mental illness. He ended up being very ill and killing himself as he stopped the medicine hoping to catch a manic episode... I wish my wife would go to a psychiatrist to re-do/re-check her meds. I suspect she could use an adjustment. Also, with all her medical problems, I believe she may have some reactions to the meds...
from whystinger :
All I can say is WOW! Beautiful email, but also hit me a bit. I see similar in my situation. I'll read again and email back. It seems as if Honi is jealous of my faith at times or jealous of the church. there are much worse places I could spend time. Sometimes I used t feel that she was isolating me..
from whystinger :
A beautiful day to you as well. I would love to hear about the spiritual journey, only if you wish to share. Peace to you and thanks!
from cocoabean :
You had a sex change??
from howlingwind :
12/21/12 Well - I can offer up the good 'ol - sorry woman. That sucks. It does feel better to vent in the online diary for some reason - I guess it's the "if a tree falls in the forest effect" or something. Don't feel bad about venting in here. Maybe I get too pollyannish sometimes. I'm full of it. Your man sounds complicated. :-/
from howlingwind :
Sorry woman. I have doubts about my man too at times. I feel like he doesn't really know me and my demons and wouldn't like me so much if he did.
from howlingwind :
11/20/12 - The Kevin Clash thing is a serious downer. I showed my friend Deb that documentary and then she did a presentation about him to her students/their parents in a "model of excellence" thing at her open house night. He seems like a sensitive soul and probably won't take this humiliation very well. Sad.
from howlingwind :
11/7/12 - Congrats on the interview with Mr. Anonymous.
from linguafranca :
Hah! True, true...happy to say that she does not do that!
from linguafranca :
It was sort of a 'modern' (1940s?) churn with a glass canister, metal paddle that turned with a crank. No musty old wooden thing. But still.
from howlingwind :
Dland has turned into the land that time forgot so I don't blame you. I'll probably go back on Fbook someday, but I'm just not ready for that yet. Happy thoughts for you. :-)
from howlingwind :
10-13-12 Lizard Lick Towing? He isn't watching it only because he doesn't know about it. Hopefully he'll never find out. My lips are sealed.
from linguafranca :
No, apparently I don't get any slack or excuses. Must remember to always tiptoe preciously and wear my Cloak of Insincerity.
from howlingwind :
8/31/12 - Sorry your relative is such a ninny. As I read this e-mail for some reason I hear Justin Timberlake singing "Cry Me a River". Erg.
from linguafranca :
You're actually not that easy to find on FB. Your name is shared by many.
from howlingwind :
8/16/12 - Congrats on the skateboarding skills :-)
from linguafranca :
Awesome! You go, girl!
from linguafranca :
LOL. If only I'd discovered earlier how simple it was to really alarm people!
from linguafranca :
Hah! Aww, you're sweet. Yes, please pull her hair for me when you see her. (I find her kinda scary, too, truth be told. Her mean face is very mean!). I really don't blame the mother-- they've been having problems with disrespectfulness, and she's been trying out various solutions but they haven't especially been working. I think she's jealous of mom's attention. All I can say is, I haven't a clue about 6 year olds, but if Q is like that when she's 6 I may have to reconsider the homeschooling thing. Power struggles all day every day? No thank you.
from linguafranca :
Concussion, not funny. Concussion from falling in Zumba class? Extremely funny. I'm sorry, but it is. I can't imagine him being mad unless phone call or text gets noticed by a jealous S.O. and creates a problem. Nor can I really imagine him not remembering (though he may pretend to if necessary to keep domestic peace with aforementioned SO). I can imagine that the pain of the situation has faded in time, he's made whatever adjustments were necessary to reconcile the event with his self-concept. You may get a "What? That was YEARS ago!" That's the worst I can imagine, personally.
from linguafranca :
He sounds like a really decent person that your age mattered at all to him. Lots of men wouldn't have that hangup. And it was courageous of you to tell the truth, even if it was later than you wish you had. Lots of 15 year olds wouldn't have managed to do that.
from howlingwind :
The elephant is cute :-) Looks like he's smiling - maybe it's the tusk. My yard needs help. It's getting crunchy.
from linguafranca :
Now THAT I would 'like'. Saw another one yesterday that made me shudder: "Who wants to hug Jesus today? 'Like if you want to hug Jesus!". Really?
from linguafranca :
I'm pretty sure it's never appropriate.
from linguafranca :
Ha!
from linguafranca :
Oh, they really do mean well, but as J puts it, not only do they have a very different set of preferences from me, they somehow have failed to notice that fact and continue to make assumptions that they really oughtn't. BIL is more of a pip, but it's hard to tell when he's trying to be ironic or not. J assures me I should just ask when in doubt, and take his inquiries as genuine questions in good faith. I just get weary at the end if a week with them.
from linguafranca :
Oh, that sucks. Glad no glass shards ended up embedded in you, and no electrocution took place. Unrelatedly, still have not cashed your check. The family coming in distracted me. Sorry for being annoying like that. First thing when we get back.
from whystinger :
Why is it that those people who are horrible parents, neglectful parents and otherwise shouldn't have kids can get pregnant so darn easily and pop out kids so easy? We have that in our extended family and it always makes me scratch my head and wonder. Did a bit of catching up with you, sounds like you are well. That makes me happy.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I have the #, but Indiana will only mail it to the address listed on the license. We're reaching the end of our mail forwarding, for one thing, and they make you swear that that is your current residence on penalty of perjury, so. I guess I'll take the tests. :)
from linguafranca :
Ha! She did already ask about whether there was going to be a blue clothes ban like there was for pink. Luckily J fielded that question.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I used to do it that way. Well, not with duct tape. I had stretcher bars with window screen stapled across. But a papermaker friend of mine told me about the pour method-- she uses a deckle with higher sides, I guess it's easy to get the right amount of pulp that way and control thickness better. Plus less waste of pulp, which is important to me now with my labor-intensive methods.
from linguafranca :
Sent you an email! This is not to rush you in any way, but I just wanted to make sure my email didn't get nabbed by your spam filter and you were there thinking I was ignoring you.
from linguafranca :
Yes, I know that intellectually-- and J always tells me the same thing. It's how the good ideas get kept and I learn new stuff. Plus it feels good. But I have boxes of old things that I never wear and no one will ever buy or want...those are a check on my creativity. The problem of leftover art. I don't know how painters or sculptors deal with it. At least my stuff is small!
from howlingwind :
4/24/12 - I'm glad your b-day was fun :-) We have an automatic litter box machine and my cat likes to attack it. Haha. She phunnie.
from linguafranca :
Oh, yeah! That would be awesome. Even if you didn't change anything about it other than the voices, it would be very effective.
from howlingwind :
Happy B-Day!!! Don't let anxiety get the best of you. :-)
from linguafranca :
Well, I love bubbles, but she chases a few and then that's it. She can't blow them yet, she just sticks the wand in her mouth and licks off the soap. *shudder* I keep letting her try, but she hasn't caught on yet.
from howlingwind :
3/21/12 - Sorry for all of the drama. Mental illness is bad. :-(
from vicunja :
Flippin' heck! I am so, so, so, so sorry to hear what's been going on! I hope things have calmed down and I hope you and yours are all safe. I am of course like yourself particularly concerned for your nephew. Poor sweetheart being caught in all of this. Sending you heaps of hugs. x
from linguafranca :
Aaigh! I don't even know what to say. Just, aaigh! Hard to know where to go from there.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I was hoping it would resolve itself in time, but the doc says there's already a lot of gum deformation happening-- not visible from the front, but pretty bad anyway. So we may have to move things along more quickly than any of us want. :(
from whystinger :
I am so happy for the two of you to be making progress. Seems odd at times, doesn't it? A few out there criticize us for trying and sticking with it. As far as why no kids? I think because of the Sis, God knows you will be a rock for the nephew and have made an important impact in his life. Hugs
from cocoabean :
I hope the positives between you and O continue to grow.... sounds like you are both working hard on it!
from linguafranca :
I'm sorry it's all flared up on you at once. I hope it passes soon. Hang in there.
from linguafranca :
The fudgery sounds good. The cashew thing sounds like a cousin to a praline. Yum.
from whystinger :
I do hope that 2012 turns out better for you.
from howlingwind :
1-5-12 Sorry you're feeling down. I'm feeling like I'm not doing what I should be doing these days. Mostly I'm feeling confused I guess. Things seems pointless. Anyhoo - I hope things get better for you. :-)
from linguafranca :
LOL. I'm sorry to say, not as busy as you might think, given the results. We're just very effective, apparently. ;)
from peggypenny :
it would be fun to meet you. i use to keep all locked up too. i was all worried about my copyrights, didn't want someone to steal my work... that kind of thing. but i gave up being afraid of someone stealing my work. fact is, they are going to steal my work no matter what because they are thieves. be brave, wordwhore! Let it all hang out on diaryland. haha. Sincerely, Peggy Penny
from linguafranca :
Thanks! We'll see. Cross your fingers for me!
from linguafranca :
And yet, I like to think if we were to have a phone conversation, it wouldn't be SO bad. I think knowing that everyone feels awkward leads to an understanding environment which results, counterintuitively, in reduced awkwardness. Or maybe it would be just as bad. Who knows.
from cocoabean :
Wow! I guess the time apart was good for both of you!
from cocoabean :
I suppose it really wouldn't be nice to drop him off a couple miles from work and let him walk. Heh.
from cocoabean :
Kind of like the Depot's inside motto... Do the right thing.
from howlingwind :
8-29-11 I'm glad things are looking up for you. :-)
from howlingwind :
Sounds rough. Sending you good vibes. :-)
from linguafranca :
Yikes! I hope she takes a nap soon. (That wasn't meant to be flippant, even though it may have sounded that way.)
from cocoabean :
Awwww I'm so sorry..... *hugs*
from howlingwind :
6-28-11 Sorry about your kitty friend. It's always hard to lose our furry friends.
from cocoabean :
I'm so glad she has you to ease her way through this life...
from vicunja :
I'd been just as frassled by such news. I'm sorry you feel like you've fucked up your life. I wish there was something I could say. Wishing you better and brighter days. x
from cocoabean :
I got it, and added you as a friend. Woot!
from cocoabean :
There is a fledgling company for ebooks called readwritego, if you can manage something book length. It is run by the same person you got the writing sites from.
from linguafranca :
Oh, yeah. Been there. NO, you weren't crazy. Just living in a world he created where he wanted you to think you were.
from linguafranca :
HA! (The bit about the cat poop is, alas, actually relevant to us, as you know-- I bet they'll wait to poop on the floor until after we have left, 15 minutes before the potential buyers arrive to look around).
from linguafranca :
Yeah. Don't tell J I said this, but in many ways, Memphis sucks.
from howlingwind :
4-24-11 Congratulations on your page view success!! :-)
from cocoabean :
Yay!!! And to think, we 'knew you when'!
from cocoabean :
You are awesome!
from cocoabean :
Happy Birthday!
from linguafranca :
Ah! So glad you liked it! I think there was some Swahili in it, too. Thank you for watching it-- I feel better now. :)
from whystinger :
Her name wasn't Lisa, was it? Acting like that, imagine how many repeat customers she will have... like NONE!
from minstrelite :
I don't even think they had the Ten Commandments in public schools when *I* went to school, which was probably at least fifteen years before you did. Weird thing for her to say.
from linguafranca :
Well, we were visiting her, but yeah. I think she thinks she's doing us a favor. It is less work, but I feel weird about it anyway. She also looked truly alarmed when FIL put some dark things in with whites-- I said, "One wash isn't going to turn them grey, trust me", and she said, "Well, I hope not!" as if she really weren't certain. She may have actually never done that before! It's a good thing J normally does our laundry, she'd probably have a heart attack seeing how I do it when left to my own devices (throw it all in together and wash it all on cold). Heck, seeing how I do it is WHY J does our laundry. ;)
from whystinger :
You're just figuring out that people suck and can be rude??? LOL. As far as having trouble sleeping and getting back to sleep and since you have been having headaches, try a thing perhaps. Sometimes not getting to sleep or getting back to sleep indicates a shortage of magnesium in one's body. Either eat some foods rich in magnesium or try Peter Gillham's Natural Calm. It is a powdered magnesium supplement. First time the dietitian at the health food store suggested it, I poo poo-ed the idea. I tried it and I am a believer. So when you get one of those late night calls and cannot get back to sleep, try this stuff. I usually go through a pattern of a lack of sleep for a few days, or restless sleep. About the headaches, do you have allergies? I do and mine are in high gear, so I have to do all that extra crap - sinus flushes with a neti-pot, wash or at least rinse hair before bed, meds and eye drops
from whystinger :
Sure... you are just excited because he is a potential reader... LOL just kidding! hugs to you, glad you enjoy the nephew! Sounds like he needs you in his life.
from howlingwind :
Thanks for your note :-) My BF thinks I'm going to leave him for Craig! Ha. Have a good weekend :-)
from cocoabean :
You enjoy teaching, so it stands to reason your students enjoy learning!
from cocoabean :
Yeah I frequently think of what I'd like to say to some customers... but I need my job!
from cocoabean :
It's always nice when the drama doesn't involve you. It's pretty entertaining!
from linguafranca :
Hadn't heard of the baking soda trick, but when I looked it up on Gardenweb, sure enough a couple of people there mentioned it, too. About a quarter teaspoon? I'll give it a try-- I boiled/drained the rind three times, but I know it's still going to be bitter.
from whystinger :
Great concept - must pass a test before procreating. Conceiving a child is something practically everyone can do, even if they are incompetent in the care and raising of that child. While some would say regulating that is against those people's rights, I think something needs to be done in many circumstances, like the Mom who killed her own kids, or allowed her live in boyfriend to abuse and later kill her babies.
from cocoabean :
If it was bad enough that he doesn't remember, it must have been pretty severe. But... what kind of mother would allow the beatings to continue? Jeebus.
from linguafranca :
Amen! I think you should post it-- not that it'll do any good, but it'd be fun. What's the worst that can happen? He'll de-friend you? ;P
from minstrelite :
Let me leave you the info in a Facebook message (so nobody sees it in the public notes arena.)
from howlingwind :
12-16-10 I agree with the not pretending to like someone when you don't like them. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but not as bad as I do having a lame fake conversation with them. But that makes time with "The Queen" sister-in-law quite awkward. :0) Oh that confounded Orange feller.
from linguafranca :
Maybe you should shower less often.
from whystinger :
So neither of us are spending much time here.
from whystinger :
Things can change when someone is in "need." Take Honi for example. I was worried about her taking care of some things before I left. My T said "just watch and you will see. Do not interfere, just sit back and watch. You will be surprised at how she takes care." Maybe that will happen with your Dad. Perhaps you need to let him struggle for a while and see if he kicks it up a notch.
from whystinger :
I think the cheating thing is more of a fantasy. After all, that would be breaking one of my personal vows and definitely would cause me more anger.
from vicunja :
I agree with cocoabean - you don't have to be happy, but you don't have to look after him, either. Look after you, first. x
from cocoabean :
You don't have to be happy about it, but you also don't have to do it. If no one can "take care" of him, and he needs that much care, then maybe he should be in a group home/assisted living of some kind.
from cocoabean :
Either that or you watch too many crime shows. I was thinking the same thing!
from linguafranca :
It's a great idea! I could use a few of those myself. I'm just not sure how to seal in the lettering so that it won't get waterlogged or fade in the sun too much. Makes me wish I were a potter. Or a stonecarver.
from linguafranca :
Yeah. I don't know how often it results in death, but surely willy-nilly minor electrocution can cause at the very least, pain, maybe some damage, and possibly a trip to the emergency room (inconvenient and costly!) I can't believe I feel like I need to defend myself! (we do have socket covers on most of them, except the one in her room where there's a nightlight plugged in and a 3-way splitter that we haven't gotten one for yet. This is usually the one she goes after.) Thanks for telling her about the nap. Apparently she doesn't listen to you, either. ;)
from howlingwind :
9-27-10: Strep throat sounds pretty craptastic. I hope you start feeling better soon. :-)
from linguafranca :
I'm so sorry about your kitty. Losing a pet is a special kind of pain. :(
from whystinger :
Good luck on the trip and Godspeed. I am sorry to hear about your cat. They truly become part of a family and it is hard to have to say goodbye. I think part of the reason I came back and try to work things out is I missed the cats... Is that messed up or what?
from howlingwind :
9-20-10 Good luck in the lone star state. Don't let Texas mess with you.
from whystinger :
Time for an update girlie...
from talktogod :
I'll be praying for your trip to Texas.
from howlingwind :
Sorry your semi-ex man is being such a duty head. I hope you can get your stuff back. :-)(8-6-10)
from linguafranca :
Well, now i know what bait to deploy if I ever need to bend you to my will. Oddly enough, I've never cared for snickerdoodles, despite the fact that logically speaking, I should very much indeed. Maybe I've never had really good ones.
from cocoabean :
Have you gone to add/remove programs (in the control panel) to look for it there?
from talktogod :
Praying for some peace in your life...
from linguafranca :
:(
from talktogod :
My heart hurts for you.
from linguafranca :
Geez, I go away for a couple weeks and miss all the squash action.
from talktogod :
Thanks a lot. Now I want cake. *drool*
from talktogod :
It's going to take a while, but I figure that eventually, as the economy continues to suffer, customer service will return as a reality. Companies have had it so good for so long that they really didn't have to worry about keeping customers satisfied. I think they will find that that will soon change. Unless we become socialist, in which case it won't matter.
from cocoabean :
ooooo I love squash! What kind were they?
from talktogod :
We have a local farmer's market we like, but it's more like a small grocery store that just sells produce. I would like to visit a place where the individual farmers actually sell their produce in booths like that.
from talktogod :
*hug*
from talktogod :
What?? Sugar has SUGAR in it?? Gah. Hee. Hey, we've been making recipes from the SparkPeople site. There are THOUSANDS!! And some of them are really good, too. And...as of today, I've lost 20 lbs!! Go ME!!!! Heh. And I have YOU to thank for that, you know! So...THANK YOU!! <3<3<3
from vicunja :
I hope you'll take me with you if you do decide to change venue. Still thinking of you and sending you strenght. x
from whystinger :
Wow. Heavy. I think I will respond in an email. You and Orange will be in my prayers. You both are moving forward. It is easier to make changes when people are moving forward. Regardless of what you do, I think it will be for the better.
from talktogod :
If you start a new one, I hope you let me know. Praying for peace for you. Take care.
from vicunja :
Oh sweetheart - I am so, so sorry! I hope your heart will heal and that there will still be room left to dream, hope and eventually love. Sending you hugs.
from talktogod :
HUGS!!!!
from cocoabean :
*hugs*
from linguafranca :
Courage.
from cocoabean :
do you have a stats tracker? that can help you pin down where your readers are from....
from whystinger :
"The Wordwhore is not allowed" sounds depressing if you ask me... ;)
from talktogod :
Aw...Hehehe. The wordwhore is TOO allowed!
from linguafranca :
Hah hah, thanks. I am good at cooking fruit. I just suck at business, I guess. And doing things on time.
from talktogod :
I don't think it's cowardice. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
from whystinger :
Progress. That is sort of how I left. Feels like cowardice, but it is not.
from talktogod :
I don't think you're whiny. Well, no more than I am, hahaha...But Facebook has kind of taken me away from my "day-to-day" blogs. The only one I keep up with regularly anymore is my devotional journal.
from linguafranca :
If you don't find it useful, then you don't-- but don't worry about what readers think. It's not for us, it's for you. (You can tell, I've long since ceased to worry much about whether people will find me boring).
from talktogod :
I'm praying for everyone over there.
from vicunja :
Gosh, Wordy - only just seen this! Hope you and yours are all well and that the water soon goes. x
from linguafranca :
I don't understand why they aren't reporting this-- I know that between the oil spill and the Times Square bomb attempt, there's plenty of news to cover, but still. Even what I have heard (NPR) has been centered on Nashville-- I had no idea the damage was so widespread. Yikes.
from howlingwind :
Happy birthday :-) I'm turning the big three five in December, so I feel your pain. Have some yummy cake.
from howlingwind :
I'm glad your mom is doing well. Sorry things are so busy. :-)
from whystinger :
Prayers and hugs. I am glad she is doing well.
from linguafranca :
Glad she''s doing well! Hope she contintes to recover smoothly.
from vicunja :
I'm so, so glad it went well, Wordy! Sending your mum a speedy recovery! x
from talktogod :
Praying for your Mom.
from talktogod :
That's almost as bad as getting the whole entry almost typed and hitting the wrong combination of buttons on the stupid computer and erasing the entire thing. Usually, after that, I just scream and say "screw it." LoL...
from whystinger :
We're online at the same time. How are you feeling? I hope better.
from whystinger :
I hope you are feeling better. I am not totally sure of what procedures went on, wisdom tooth removal? Anyway, that pain seems abnormal, so get it checked. The term "dry socket" comes to mind. Also, if they used a lot of Novocaine, that sometimes causes fluid retention in the jaw muscles. An old dentist had me exercise my jaw before the novocaine wore off, which helped with the soreness. Please take care.
from talktogod :
I'm glad you're finally able to get that taken care of.
from linguafranca :
Yay! down with bad teeth, up with good dentists.
from whystinger :
Actually, I prefer non-blondes, but wonder what you would look like as a blonde. Send a pic anyway!
from talktogod :
Interesting review. I've been wanting to see that movie. I probably still will, but the warning is nice. I hate when they put all the funny bits in the previews.
from linguafranca :
Yeesh, yeah. Well, my father in law is a pediatrician, and mother in law is very involved in the Back To Sleep campaign...if they caught wind of me doing anything else, they'd have my head. They're very convincing. :)
from linguafranca :
What can I say, I'm really sorry for your continuing pain. Dental pain is the worst. I hope you can get it resolved soon.
from whystinger :
Oooo, send a picture of a blonde you...
from talktogod :
Hope you can get your teeth fixed. And thank you SO much for your prayers and suggestions. It means a lot...I also signed up for that Spark thingy. We'll see if I can keep up with it. It looks very cool. Thanks for that.
from whystinger :
I spent a few minutes reading today. I really need to spend some time and catch up with you. Email me about the truck problems if I can help.
from talktogod :
OMG, I LOVE Thursday Next!! You should also read his "Nursery Crimes" series...very funny!! Or should I say, "punny?"
from linguafranca :
J loves the Jasper Fforde books! Haven't read them yet myself-- perhaps now is the time.
from cocoabean :
yippee!
from howlingwind :
Congrats on the crafty promotion thinger. Sounds like it should be fun. Don't let that fruity man get you down. :-)
from talktogod :
Stop thinking those things! You do have something to offer, and you are a very compassionate, caring person. At least from my perspective. Don't let his actions/reactions take that away from you. I know those giant holes in the chest take some time to heal. Sometimes I can still feel the one from over 25 years ago. But then I realize that the hole is no longer there. It is filled with something greater and more beautiful.
from sweet-dark :
It did indeed ^^ Thankyou oh wise one :)
from sweet-dark :
Thanks! I think it worked ^^;; hope so...
from sweet-dark :
Hello! Haven't talked for a while ^^ I was just wondering if you could tell me how to lock my diary?? I think someone who shouldn't have found out about it so i need to keep it under the radar for a while ^^;;
from talktogod :
"Popsicle." Hee.
from talktogod :
Oh, dear. I hope you can get your stuff. And....Happy New Year, anyway. Don't know about you, but I'm hoping '10 will be much better than the last two.
from linguafranca :
HA!
from talktogod :
Ahahaha...that story was hilarious!! How awkward!!
from talktogod :
I hope you feel better soon!
from talktogod :
No fair getting sick again!! Man. Get better, k?
from vicunja :
Happy birthday RFB! And sweet Wordy, please feel free to come and make me just such a cake for my b-day in 20 days time! ;)
from linguafranca :
Not from writing, and not a high exactly, but when I'm immersed in making something for the joy of it, driven to finish, it's a sort of meditation when everything else gets closed out and time goes away. Glad you found that space for a while.
from linguafranca :
Or you could follow Bartleby the Scrivener's lead: "I would prefer not." Glad to hear your tooth got taken care of, by the way. I've never had an abcess, but I did have a bad cavity in my wisdom tooth once and it was miserable.
from talktogod :
Thank goodness that's over!
from vicunja :
I hurt just reading that! You poor, poor, brave woman! Lots of hugs and hope you feel better soon! x
from cocoabean :
Phew! Glad that's over!!
from talktogod :
Agree. Prayers all around!
from talktogod :
I'm with you on the teeth issue. Heck with that.
from cocoabean :
I suppose they can do that with just your name and birthdate, but there are privacy issues there. I know attorneys are expensive, but sometimes they are worth it.
from cocoabean :
It is a long time, but you have to go with how you feel... without trust, there isn't much of a relationship....
from vicunja :
(((((((((Wordy))))))))) Oh hon, what an ordeal! I'm glad God found you - I expect he spends quite a lot of time trawling hospital corridors, so was probably quite close by anyways, but nice of him nonetheless to nip in and keep you company! Now, if you need me to have a word or two with O, just hollar! x
from cocoabean :
glad you are out and home where recovery is at least a little easier. Hang in there!!
from linguafranca :
Oh no! Hope you're recovering and will be out of there soon...
from cocoabean :
Bummer! Hope you recover quickly!!
from talktogod :
Oh...ow...ow. *hugs*
from whystinger :
I hope you feel better.
from linguafranca :
Yeah, I suppose charging more is what I'll have to do. It just seems a little high to me, but then I don't buy cards all that often. Well, I'll give it a try.
from vicunja :
*deep sigh* I'm glad you're not a gullible fool and I can't believe they've tried you on like this... My head gets tired just reading all this and I don't think I'd be able to deal with any of this - the whole situation, not just this latest issue with Orange - the refinance - as well as you have. Anyways, lots of hugs and hopes for a future full of love for you. x
from whystinger :
Do NOT sign that POA. You have a right to be suspicious and feel insulted. Think of this: there are a lot of people who would sign that without question. Even if it is only used for the house, it is still a fucking. Be very careful.
from cocoabean :
you go, girl!
from linguafranca :
Ugh. Good luck. I know I don't need to tell you this, but stand your ground!
from cocoabean :
It sure seems like they are up to something, that's for sure. Definitely do NOT give them power of attorney! Do you have any friends that are attorneys? It might not hurt to have an attorney send O a letter, just to give them a good scare... in fact, a lawyer might just be a good idea... but if you hold your ground, and keep copies of all the stuff they send you, it should make a good case for you in the end!
from talktogod :
I can't remember when the last time I tried to make "real" oatmeal was. I know my mother made it all the time when I was a kid. I confess to using the lazy way now, whenever I want some. That Quaker "cinnamon and spice" instant is really good.
from cocoabean :
When the bank calls, tell them you will call back in a few minutes, then check to make sure the phone number actually belongs to a bank, or his cousin can just pretend to be a bank officer. Be very careful!
from talktogod :
Even if I did know his name, I wouldn't be doing that. None of my business. I might throw my thoughts your way from time to time, but I'm just not the kind of person to reach out to a total stranger and say, "Hey, you need to do so and so..." The constant tension and stress you must be feeling hurts my heart for you, though.
from linguafranca :
hahah-- yeah, it does look about as much like a garden as your average freshly dug grave. Well, almost as much. The troublesome link: go to the French Paper site, click on the "PopInk gifts" link, then "note acrd sets", then scroll all the way to the bottom to find "Stranger Manger" (second to last item, I think you'll know it when you see it although I'm not sure it's worth all this trouble).
from linguafranca :
Hmm...it worked for me. Try copy/paste this: http://www.frenchpaper.com/results.asp?image=9208&wwwflag=9&imagepos=57 It is a delight.
from cocoabean :
Writing for pay rocks! Congrats!!
from linguafranca :
Congratulations on the custom order! :)
from whystinger :
Grrr... and I was looking forward to reading it.
from whystinger :
That cousin stuff could be impending divorce, or not... Most of the lawyers I spoke to encouraged reconcillaiation before divorce. Also, the pastor may push him towards reconcilliation. That is what the two different pastors we worked with did. In fact, I would be single now if Honi didn't go to our pastor... This will be an interesting ride for you.
from whystinger :
Well, I am not from there, so it sure wasn't me... Hey know any good bars for me to visit there???
from cocoabean :
It sounds to me like he is getting "counseling" to make him look better in case of a divorce...
from whystinger :
OMG, my Mom says the same thing about me...
from talktogod :
And here all this time, I thought that always wanting to be alone WAS normal. Huh. I guess I'm not normal either. Oddly, my wife and I don't have many friends. We like being with each other, but when she's not home, I would rather be alone than with others. I don't have "guy" nights. I have never desired to do anything like that. Mostly because I don't like "guy" things. Heh. We don't hang out with friends much. We do have some. And a few times a year, we might have a gathering at our house. But not like my Mom and Dad, who played Canasta EVERY weekend with their best friends when I was a kid. Which, by the way, was very boring for me because I was the only kid in the mix!
from talktogod :
Don't be so hard on yourself. There are some things that we don't have a lot of choice in, and one of those is our personalities. I'm more and more coming to accept that I am who I am, and part of that is what my parents were, too. It's those darned genes (not the denim kind), and you can't change those. We all need to focus on the things that we do have choices about. I don't always make the best choices, either, but tomorrow is a new day. Every day is a new day. Gah. Maybe I need to start writing greeting cards...
from talktogod :
I was 31 when my parents were my age. My oldest has yet to reach 21. I feel your pain. Or age. Or something...fret not, though. We all have our own place to bloom, and our own purpose in life. Geez, I sound like a Hallmark card.
from linguafranca :
Music and molasses festival! Sounds like fun. I love molasses. Sorghum, blackstrap, you name it. (Also music, but that's easier to come by). Enjoy your yarn!
from talktogod :
I realize you weren't necessarily talking about public speaking, but just being able to put words together verbally...I just used public speaking as an example. I stumble all over my words sometimes. It's weird. It's like there's a short circuit between the brain and the mouth, or in my case, sometimes no connection at all. LoL!
from talktogod :
That quote made me laugh out loud! I didn't see that coming at all. Also...there is a vast difference between being able to write and speak. I can write decently. I cannot speak publicly to save my life! Unless I have a guitar in my hand and my "speaking" has a melody.
from whystinger :
I am sorry to hear about the anemia. I was going to say "find a good female Ob/GYN, but you have tried that... You have bad luck with doctors, therapists and such. I wish I had something that I could do to help...
from whystinger :
Fire ants - I just hate the little bastards! An old country boy and farmer told me "it's gotta be cider vinegar..." and from trying different things, unpasteurized cider vinegar seems to work best for me, but that could be the placebo effect helping... and as my lady doc says "I don't care if it is the placebo effect - if it helps, it HELPS! It may just be mind over matter. I have also noticed if you delay the vinegar treatment, the bite gets worse and the vinegar is less effective.
from linguafranca :
Mine was always like a dozen rats trying to chew their way out of me. Plus diarrhea and vomiting (but only on the first day!). It never occurred to anyone that I should see a doctor about it (just as well, it sounds like). Fortunately it did subside for me around age 22. I'm so sorry you still have to endure that. Are there any other docs around to consult?
from talktogod :
OUCH
from linguafranca :
Thank you! "The biatch is just crazy"-- that was my conclusion too! Yeah, she made me second-guess my photos, too-- what, do they not represent the items well enough? But I think they do. I really don't think it's me this time.
from talktogod :
LoL!!! "Emergency Flashers." Ahahahah.... Prayers going up for you, my friend.
from talktogod :
My cat (we have four, but there is one that is "mine") frequently tries to crowd me off of my pillow. Sometimes, he tries to lay on my face. That doesn't work very well. But he is very affectionate.
from talktogod :
When I make "homemade" pizza (I used the term loosely, in comparison with yours, because I use packaged dough), it weighs about 10 pounds and should probably cause cardiac arrest just looking at it. Ok, I'm probably exaggerating the weight. A little.
from cocoabean :
I started chaosdaily for documenting what was going on in my life... it helped, too.
from talktogod :
Sometimes I just want to turn off the phone. My mother-law-does that rapid-fire call thing. Called 6 times in 10 minutes one night. I kid you not!
from linguafranca :
Haha. If I do paint it, it sure won't be pink!
from talktogod :
Ooh. Scary. Sounds like a dangerous place. I'll read/listen to the stories. Thanks.
from talktogod :
You said "proactive." Ugh. *holds up cross* LoL...anyway...I want to read your "scary story," k? Pleeeeezzzzzz???? I luuuuv scary stories.
from howlingwind :
9-2-09 - That story sounds PDL (Purdee Dern Lame). I hope your money situation is quickly sorted out. :-)
from linguafranca :
I tried to take it, but it wanted me to sign up for twitter, which I don't want to do. Try surveymonkey!
from talktogod :
We LOVE HIMYM! And we probably never would have seen it if Allison Hannigan wasn't on it. But if it's got an ex-Buffy cast person on it, we'll give it a chance.
from talktogod :
At least the last class was a semi-pleasant experience...
from cocoabean :
Oh good! Glad the class was easy!!
from talktogod :
Wow. You're busy. Makes me tired just reading it...
from linguafranca :
Thanks for the shout-out! I have been forced to conclude that there's no accounting for taste. Really. I've done shows with the aforementioned artist in attendance; her work seems to do really well. What can I say, it's sassy and cute and priced well for the young folks. I admit to being a tad envious. My mantra is "that's not my market, that's not my market...". [and no, I don't think there's anything wrong with hating what's-her-name and her incipient boy-child. Go ahead, indulge yourself.]
from talktogod :
Interesting, because I feel the same way about the music industry. Every day, I hear crap on the radio that makes me want to puke. Then I hear good music that I can only find on websites and internet radio that never gets "published" because they don't know the right people. The internet has done so much good for the music world. I hope the big name labels are suffering big-time.
from cocoabean :
You can take the screws out on the back of the keyboard and actually wash the keys in hot soapy water... just make sure it's dry when you put it back together~
from linguafranca :
Eew, sorry. Having a bad class is a horrible feeling. At least you aren't stuck with them for a whole semester!
from talktogod :
I enjoyed reading your comments. (I had to backtrack a couple days to find them.) Very well put and thoughtful. I can't say I disagree, either. I hope I expressed my lack of understanding of that passage in my entry, and also remember that I was getting most of that information from an article that I was reading in my devotional magazine. That passage has always been tough for me to grasp. And I just can't equate "church membership" with a relationship with God. In other words, just because someone is cut off from the "church," doesn't cut them off from God. At least not in my way of thinking. Ah, well. As Paul also said, we "see through a glass darkly..." Thanks for reading...AND for thinking!!
from cocoabean :
I havent seen the show yet, but I know who won. I wasn't a fan of debbies the past 2 shows, and jeffrey always seemed kind of sneaky, in a way.. I love that melissa won!
from cocoabean :
DANG! EQUALITY for all is the name of the game. I believe God sees equality in all of us, as should our government. Do we say that Jews can't marry? Teachers? Chinese? Then why should we be able to say gays can't?
from cocoabean :
OOPS.. I still think EQUALITY
from cocoabean :
I love the Word According to Wordy! I don't believe that God (who is supposed to be all-loving) would turn anyone away from heaven for their sexual preferences, unless it was hurtful to others. And being gay is not hurtful. No, I'm not gay, but I still think EQUALITY
from talktogod :
Aw, shucks. I look forward to reading it.
from linguafranca :
I think in your heart you already know what you truly want to do. It's just that actually doing it may be very hard.
from sweet-dark :
I don't envy your position right now. Since I'm not really an expert in this field, probably don't even have the right to talk about matters of divorce and such so I'll just say that I hope whatever road you decide to take, you don't regret it. Hope that helps. Probably doesn't though. Sorry. Good luck.
from talktogod :
Celebrities continue to fall...this is weird!
from talktogod :
I agree that that is a sorry way to do business, but unfortunately, it is not that uncommon in the corporate world. Corporations have a very skewed view of things.
from sweet-dark :
Thanks, I'm actually feeling better now, which is good :)
from talktogod :
"Pesticidal?" I'm praying for peace for your spirit.
from vicunja :
I'm so sorry you're suffering a malfunction and hope that normal services will resume soon. As for being faceless, I don't know what you look like, and if you need me to, I'll be happy to remove me profile picture ;) Sending you hugs, D�sir�e.
from linguafranca :
Thanks for your note. I'm pretty emotionally stable most of the time, but every once in a while I do come unglued. And it ain't pretty.
from talktogod :
Dear Lord, I hate corporate mumbo jumbo. "smoakupassian." Hee. I like that.
from whystinger :
You are not being a coward, the timing is not right. It would not have been good timing for me to leave two years ago or to do anything other than I did. You will decide and let him know on your terms.
from talktogod :
Yeah, the plethora of celebrity deaths is disturbing of late. Personally, I don't care for boxing, but I'm sorry for your sadness. Anytime we lose a favorite personality, it's rather devastating, regardless of the sport/genre.
from talktogod :
Thanks for the advice, "wordy." I have my MRI tomorrow (Friday), but don't expect it to show much, considering how much better I'm feeling. Nevertheless, I will pursue every possible avenue before I let them do any kind of surgery on my back! I'm not seeing a specialist, though, so I don't think my primary doctor will want to rush into anything. At least I hope not. They'll have to drag me kicking and screaming! And that won't be easy, because I'm pretty heavy! Hah!
from talktogod :
Not sure I would just hand out my password without checking out who the people are. You never know who people are on the 'webs, you know?
from linguafranca :
I once had a cat who died suddenly. My mom found her on the front sidewalk one morning. I don't know how old your cat was, but sometimes it does just happen. Cats can have aneurisms, too. It's bad enough losing a pet, makes it worse if you think someone caused it. Anyway, I'm sorry.
from talktogod :
Thanks for the Father's Day wish. I didn't see that coming. :-) That's why I was like, "Whoa...is that me? Cool!!"
from cocoabean :
yes, linking facebook and dland could be disastrous for some of us....
from talktogod :
Was that to me?
from talktogod :
<3 Love back!! <3 and to Desiree, too! <3
from vicunja :
Thank you. That means more than you'll ever know. x
from talktogod :
Chuck Jones's grandson following you...that is way cool! I'm a huge fan of both Chuck Jones and Mel Blanc.
from talktogod :
Mmm...crab cakes. Yum. Also...I'm very frustrated with doctors right now.
from cocoabean :
sounds like he's making an effort...
from talktogod :
Wow. What a cluster...I am constantly amazed at people who have no more sensitivity than that, especially to think that everyone in the freaking world wants to listen to THEIR music. Sorry you had such a bad time, but good on you for keeping your head...and NO you most definitely did NOT over-react! Grrrr....
from talktogod :
Mmm...TN sounds pretty appealing to me, were I in your shoes. Of course, if I were in your shoes, people might be looking at me funny...
from cocoabean :
I only see problems putting the house in your name... the biggest one being that then O has NO responsibilities, and if he decides to quit working, YOU will end up paying for the house.
from cocoabean :
Can you put diaryland on a list of banned sites on IE??
from cocoabean :
Kind of sounds that way. I hope she figures life out before having kids of her own!
from cocoabean :
It sounds like LO needs some consistent discipline... she manipulates everyone around her, and it's almost like she dares her dad to say something when she misbehaves... but when you do, then you are the creep. What will she be like as an adult??
from linguafranca :
Aagh, don't give him no mind (BIL). You're right, he's an ass, end of story. Don't back down or self-censor on his account. There's no need to be nice all the time.
from talktogod :
Um...welcome to Texas?
from talktogod :
But did you make the decision?
from talktogod :
So...where in our "great state" are you going to be? LoL!!!
from talktogod :
YAY, CAKE!!! Nomnomnom.... <3
from vicunja :
Belated Happy Birthday! Sounds like you had a nice little adventure! Pictures? x
from cocoabean :
I'm glad you are making some money doing something you love! *wink* you're welcome!
from howlingwind :
Happy birthday in advance for Friday's impending celebration or whatever you're calling it. I turn 34 in December this year. The jury is still out on my Mr. Man. We shall see. :-)
from whystinger :
Thanks... I appreciate the update. good to see.
from talktogod :
Congrats on all the writing success, and also on the weight loss. I can't seem to motivate myself enough in that area. Grr...
from whystinger :
How about an update here, so I don't have to be nosy and ask about you and O? There is another similarity between us too now... after reading one of your articles. Do you Yahoo chat?
from linguafranca :
Three purple basils?! Awesome. Actually, I think I can guess them: Opal, purple ruffles, and red rubin? Am I right?
from linguafranca :
I couldn't tell if that was a 'yes' or not. :) No biggie either way-- only if you want. My mints are still hibernating, we're a few weeks from full-on minty splendour anyway.
from linguafranca :
10 varieties of basil, eh? You are indeed a woman after my own heart. The ridiculous thing about it is that I don't have that big of a lawn-- but never mind that. Wanna swap seeds/cuttings?
from sweet-dark :
thats what i did. i came in my uniform and said it was because once an alcoholic has recovered they can look like anyone, even a schoolmate : )
from vicunja :
(24FEB2009) Oh Wordy - I am so, so sorry. Also, wishing you all the best for your travel back to Orange... I sincerily hope you find the answers you need to make the right decision for you. Hugs.
from talktogod :
"...still I look to find a reason to believe..." Hey. What's wrong with WoW?? Just kidding...It consumes everything....I know...my wife is very tolerant of my addiction.
from talktogod :
Grats on the writing gig! That's great. Sorry other things are getting more complicated. That sucks.
from howlingwind :
2/12/09 - I wrote you an e-mail at your Wordwhore address - woot! :-)
from musicman6724 :
Hi. Sorry I've been out of touch lately...I did see your notes on my other diary. I haven't had a lot of time to update this one. Therefore, I haven't kept up well with you and my other "buddies." Say...I know...I'll add you to my other buddy list, because I see that one every day. *doh* Anyway. I hope you are well...and I hope your move to Texas goes well. I see you mentioned facebook. If you want, look me up. Jeff Bickley. I'm the one with not much hair, holding the red guitar. Grace and peace!
from linguafranca :
Hey! Thanks for your thoughts lately-- I appreciate it much.
from howlingwind :
Glad you liked the story of the Ceiling Cat. :-) Thanks for reading my stuff all adeez yers. :-) YooZ ossume :-)
from whystinger :
I need to really read and let this sink in...
from howlingwind :
Sorry bout your baby mama drama and your sis's be-atchiness. On a lighter note - GWB is getting kicked to the curb - yay!! That's the Bush man I'm tawkin bout. Happy MLK day! :-) (1/19/09)
from whystinger :
Her friend is effed up, so who knows. Maybe she was fishing, maybe someone was playing a bad joke on me (and listed me) or something else. Maybe stbx's atty advised her to try to get me there for some reason. Anyway I have to use the house today and I will check her pc hist just for kicks... Maybe she got on and it nervous
from whystinger :
I almost forgot about the hand. I think you are correct. It was a God moment when you needed it. I have a story too and will tell sometime if I remember.
from whystinger :
Good rant today! I am not a cheater and feel adultry is wrong, so does my Dad and many men I know, so I hear ya! (and agree). I believe that self control is what differentiates us from animals. We CAN use self control, just most don't want to be accountable today, men and women. I also hate double standards like you mention. My biggest hate is a guy who sleeps around, insists he is "clean" but "she is a slut." I really fucking hate that double standard and will stand and argue with those guys. I am sorry, but he is a SLUT too. Hmmm, in a way, we're on the same page
from whystinger :
It was a video file that was passed on to me. In the beginning of the video, it had www.xyz.com then went into an Animal Planet show that showed a cool bird mimicking different things. I decided to look at the address displayed and see, maybe more animal planet videos, nope, Porn. I am still pretty pissed off.
from whystinger :
I think I finally caught up with you and you have written more (entries) than I thought. I am debating on addressing it all here, email or just dropping it... Maybe some random things... We definitely have some parallels. Even more than I thought when you look at the decisions that need to be made and the issues our spouses have caused, well not the issue themselves, but the solution and if they will uphold the promises. I've mixed emotions about both of us. Me, I do well in couples therapy, but is it all lost and you, don't like couple's therapy, but I think you and O would benefit from my Couples T. It remains to be seen if Honi will have her eyes opened to what she does but I am hopeful. In my case, I have those sex issues to work through and her manipulativeness (is that a word and spelled correctly?). Your toothache was your mind working overtime and you clenching your teeth... See ya in cyberspace pal.
from musicman6724 :
Wow. Things have certainly gotten interesting. Well, I'll pray for wisdom for you to make the right decisions about everything.
from howlingwind :
Just saying hi. Yes, I know it's good to know that someone is still interested. I'm glad you had a good Xmas. Mine was alright-spending time with the Queen and familia. :-) Take Care.
from whystinger :
You could always pose for the pic wearing anything you want... j/k too
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on your one year of freedom! And I loved the poem you write in today's entry. Sandyz
from sweet-dark :
haha yeah : ) thanks. that made my day a bit better : )
from sweet-dark :
thanks for adding me too : ) that was a good opinion too. it's kinda hard to be unbiased when the only other opinion you get is from his ex-wife so that was an interesting different point of view : ) all the best.
from whystinger :
Sending prayers, congrats for the one year no smoke and don't know what to say on the home sitch...
from whystinger :
The hurt heals eventually. I think it is part of growth. I stayed longer than I should because I feared karma, but I realized that staying was hurting me more. She kept me away from those I loved and things I loved because she needed to not be alone. She says she loves me but I think I am just a diversion from loneliness. You will do fine.
from whystinger :
Would it help if I changed the picture? I would consider it.. cuz I have considered it. Are you getting out in the public? Should I email this stuff?
from linguafranca :
It'll be okay in time, really it will. The wrong person is just the wrong person-- when the right person shows up, it'll be random and unexpected, and he'll like you just as you are. That said, it's been 7 years since I left my ex, and I still have nightmares about him from time to time....fewer and farther between as the years go by, though.
from vicunja :
You're not difficult to love. Please don't let him destroy your faith in love. It's out there. I promise. Hugs from someone who had every reason to give up.
from whystinger :
I definitely feel for you - I am going through a bit o' marriage failure too.
from fightn4life :
What it brings to mind is something like this, "if He brings you to it He will bring you through it." Maybe not a quote...something that just came into my head from something I read. So glad the surgery went well and hopeful some of the baby sitting will ease up. My thoughts are with you. Thanks for the message. :) Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Glad BIL's surgery went ok. Hope he can get off the vent soon. And I appreciate the "linkage." You're awesome!
from fightn4life :
My thoughts and prayers are with your family, BIL and you. I hope all is well and he is able to come home soon. Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Sorry to hear about your BIL. Hope he gets ok. And, wow, what a nice note you left me. I'm all blushy. Thank you very much. I don't always succeed, but that's the attitude I try to live by.
from musicman6724 :
I voted for him, too. Should be an interesting four years.
from howlingwind :
I'm alright, just same 'ol same 'ol - doesn't make for very interesting diary entries. I'm just going to my classes, halfway maintaining my house, somehow attracting more scroungy cats to the place, etc, etc. :-)
from howlingwind :
Yay! I'm glad you're having success with your writing. :-)
from fightn4life :
I loved your story! Thanks for sharing and congratulations!! Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Congratulations!! Awesome. Major awesome!
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on your win! I followed the link but couldn't find your story. :( Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry about your cat...mine are like family to me. My heart is with you, it is hard to lose a furry friend. I would find out and quick why he slapped you for no apparent reason...not acceptable! Congrats...being published. YES! It is a wonderful thing, never small. Sandyz
from howlingwind :
Wait - what I meant to say was that I'm sure it'll all work out for the best. Sorry for the cliche. Okay - I'm zipping it now. Zip.
from howlingwind :
8/10/08 - I hope it all works out for the best. I always thought Forrest Chump was a seriously over-rated movie too. :-)
from musicman6724 :
Dang, you're fast. Hahahaha...
from musicman6724 :
The thing that always bothered me about Gump was the prevailing idea that "life is like a box of chocolates" and everything is random. Like a leaf on the wind. No wait, that's Wash's line in Serenity. Point is, at least from my perspective, life isn't as random as they would have us think. Everything happens for a reason, whether we are aware of that reason or not. It's a depressing movie. I did like the ping-pong thing, though. :-D Thanks for your compliment on my pictures and your prayers in the other situation, too.
from howlingwind :
Well - if we only wrote about happy things - then D-land would really just be Denial Land. :-p
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on your 8 month quit! Way to go. I hate having those kinds of attacks the first time I thought I was having a heart attack. Glad you have a supportive family. Take care of you! Sandyz
from howlingwind :
7/29/08 - I hope you heal from your fall quickly. Eat some antioxidants and stuff. Sorry, I'm still in my nutrion class - can't help myself. :-)
from cocoabean :
Well, you know, it's your diary, and it's good to get things out and dump them in here. Seems to make my life easier when I do that!
from musicman6724 :
In regard to the entry about talent and publishing, I often feel the same way about musicians. There are a lot of "musicians" who get record deals that basically have no talent (at least in my not-so-humble opinion). I hate listening to radio any more, because the music is so bad.
from howlingwind :
7/14/08 - Don't give this be-atch the satisfaction of letting this shite bother u - she is a lameass loser whose biggest joy in life is making your life difficult. That's about as lame as it gets dude. Hang ten or uh keep on bikin. :-p
from dana-elayne :
Punk Rock Girl was one of my favorite songs in high school! I totally loved their stuff! "let's go slam dance...we'll dress like minnie pearl...just you and me punk rock girl!" :)
from boxx9000 :
Congratulations on sticking to your exercise routine. I've been on my fitness kick for a little over a year now. We just recently listened to an audio book on a 6 hour drive.(Last Juror by John Grisham) I LOVE my ipod for my treadmill workouts, it's made all the difference in the world in allowing me to ENJOYABLY workout for longer periods of time. Travel safely. Post cards?
from howlingwind :
7/11/08 - Hola - I sent a message to your wordwhore yahoo address - in case you don't check it that often. :-)
from cocoabean :
maybe it would be a good thing to cry in front of Lo, just to let her know how much her actions hurt you.... it might open things up for a talk between you two, which I think needs to happen at some point....
from boxx9000 :
I found you by accident thru the recent updates. re: sex....all relationships go thru phases, no? Hopefully, the two of you can reconnect. Can you take a vacation together just the two of you?
from fruitbat20 :
OH and in keeping with the wives never left wanting- i'm not a wife, but you may get a kick out of this from my old diary: http://un-flaneur.blogspot.com/2008/05/payback-is-bitch.html at least i recognised it for what it was, heh.
from fruitbat20 :
hey, i like sex. i didn't for about four years, thanks to all sorts of things, but i started taking wellbutrin and now i'm randy as ever again. you're not alone... you're not alone!
from brightopal :
Ah - gotcha!  The page was cutting off part of the message.  Thanks - I kind of figured it was a joke but you never know, LOL.<br>
from musicman6724 :
It's amazing the things kids can make up when they don't want to or do want to do something. My daughter's stomach "goes round and round." Or her ear hurts. Or something. Pft.
from cocoabean :
like the kid I babysat for who claimed to have an upset stomach... but she knew that chocolate cake would make it feel MUCH better!
from howlingwind :
7/4/08 - Happy 4th of the July! Go blow some stuff up - it will make you feel better! You know - if you put dry ice and some water in a 2 liter bottle and leave it in your yard (evacuate the area of course)- it will blow up and scare the #%@& out of your neighbors. Better yet - put it in front of LO's mom's house or whatever. Okay - I never said any of this. ;-P
from scotvalkyrie :
Hi there -- I understand the HUNGER thing -- but I've found that knitting keeps my hands too busy to think about eating too much. The other thing I do (since I'm chained to a desk all day) is keep a bowl with a pound of those baby carrots by my hand and munch on those all day. Good luck!
from brightopal :
I wanted to go read your article but the link doesn't work for me, darn it :( If you don't mind, email me a link to your page and I'll add one reader to your list ;)
from fightn4life :
If you were swimming in the heat it would be great...I really mean swimming like Ocean, Lake or River. :) Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Congrats on getting the article published. I might try something like that someday. I got a letter to the editor published last year. It was even featured on the opinion page. Woohoo!
from howlingwind :
6/10/08 - Congratulations on the publishing thing :-) That's pretty neat-o beat-o.
from musicman6724 :
I noticed that bit of trivia the last time I read those books (actually still in the midst of reading them). There's note in the front of MN that tells about the lenght of time between LWW and MN. Interesting point you made about HaHB, too. I guess they could do MN later, kind of like Lucas did with Star Wars? Heh.
from musicman6724 :
Oddly enough, I have yet to see either one of the Narnia movies (at least all the way through...I've seen part of the first one). I'm a little bothered that they are skipping around so much in the order of the books. They did book 2 first, then is it 4? I can't remember. But, then, which order the books are in depends on which set you have, I think, because I have an old paperback set that puts Lion, Witch, etc. first. But The Magician's Nephew is supposed to be first.
from fightn4life :
I enjoyed the review but have decided to read the book. ;) Thanks for the thumbs out. Sandyz
from brightopal :
Ack about the eye! It's hard enough to write as it is; throw in a bad eye and you're fighting an uphill battle straight up a cliff! *Hugs* Take care of that eye.
from cocoabean :
have you considered selling short stories online? it would keep the wolves from the door, and make orange a little more relaxed. brightopal used to list places on her page....
from fightn4life :
Don't wait to long before getting your eye checked, don't want to lose sight. I did smile reading your entry, all the things that might have happened. I just hope your OK. Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
gee all because you didn't shake his hand? reminds me of the time Man told me that because I couldn't remember what I was wearing when I recounted an argument to him, that it never happened... yeah, I would think if you deliberately snubbed someone you would remember it!
from chaosdaily :
how about... "because you are so full of shit!!" oh, that might be impolite... but it's the best I can come up with on short notice!
from howlingwind :
wtf? Who eats this stuff? That's just wrong. Did you try this? Is it to die for - like literally make you croak type stuff or what? :-p
from chaosdaily :
you might have trouble kicking that butt... it's a big one!
from fightn4life :
Phew...I thought you locked me out. ;) I missed your writings and will catch up now. Sandyz
from bethb :
it's a crass way of paraphrasing face painting on kids. thanks for the compliment!
from byouki :
You seem like a fairly interesting person.. you remind me of myself a lot, actually. By the way, love your username. My usual journal here is under dinosaurorgy, but I'm too lazy to switch over to leave the message under that username. In any case -- hello!
from chaosdaily :
Oh, and I'm glad you're open again! Woot!
from chaosdaily :
You can lock single entries of your diary without locking up the whole thing... that way, it can all stay in the same place!
from chaosdaily :
Bummer. hang in there, and let us know when you are ready to open up again.......
from howlingwind :
okee - quickly - used to have bad periods - dizzy - pukey - crampy - but started taking a multivitamin and extra vitamin C and my periods are only mildly annoying now. Just in case you haven't tried it. It doesn't sound like it could get much worse. Maybe I already told u this? Oh well. Take care.
from fightn4life :
I'm late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY anyway, hope it was a good one. :) Sandyz
from howlingwind :
Happy Birthday! I hope you have/had a fun one! Ya, that guy was just a big doof. :-)
from vicunja :
Happy birthday - which of course you share with my gorgeous daughter!
from chaosdaily :
happy birthday! Yay!!!
from fightn4life :
Congratulations on kicking butts, hard to do, as I know from experience. (I had 30 years of smoking behind me when I quit)�Lord as long as it has been there are days when I have fleeting moment of wishing I was watching smoke curl from a cigarette. Then I recall how difficult it was to quit and I say�NO! Not again. I laughed reading about those goof balls getting vomit on them, why would you follow a head down the toilet?? Inquiring minds wish to know. Enjoyed your entry, sometimes just reading others writings make me feel a bit better. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I wasn't as fearful of spiders until I read your entry. Last week a monster spider dropped down while I was getting ready for work...it landed in my hair and I freaked. I called it the spider from hell and was almost over it when I read your entry. Millions of baby wolf spiders? I think I would vomit. (I am living in spider heaven right on the Lake and orange groves behind me.) Yikes! Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
oh your entry sounds like mine, except i work full time too.. its that passive agressive thing that the men do that just irritates me....
from howlingwind :
2/13/08 - I'm glad your kitteeee came home. :-)
from howlingwind :
2/9/08 -->Just saying Hi. :-)
from minstrelite :
also it surprised me that u didnt know i was on disability, considering the number of times i've alluded to it, and to the govt's verdict as to my alleged "incompetence" ... i think ur idea of my receiving the monthly check and sticking to arranging/composing music is right on -- i just have to find a cheap enough rent situation where i can make my headquarters. anyway thanks for noting me, i really do appreciate that jamie, take care.
from minstrelite :
that's all right, but i guess -- i was never sure if you understood (or believed?) that i wasn't *intending* to go off the meds, but that i was having trouble receiving them due to glitches in the system, my changing counties, my sister being my payee, and so forth...so i felt blamed -- whether you were blaming me or not, i don't know. but i do see that it is a touchy subject. anyway i am taking them now, for whatever it's worth.
from minstrelite :
Hi Jamie. I have been taking my meds. There had been a run-around with the clinic but they finally arrived. Now I'm supposed to find a provider who takes MediCare in this County. I am sorry I lashed out at you. I was really out of it. But it caused me to reflect on certain aspects of my character. I am doing things differently now. Maybe you will read this: http://minstrelite.diaryland.com/080208_28.html -- I have always liked you, and I don't know why I over-reacted. I think you were right that it had something to do with the lack of the meds.
from chaosdaily :
sometimes therapy makes you think about things that make you feel even worse. ive been there too....
from katbox :
Nice to see that you are back. Hope all is well. At this point I can count to a million in 4 languages (including English). I have always excelled in useless skills :0 Auf Wiedersehen! Adieu. Adios. Goodbye!
from minstrelite :
You sound good in your most recent entry, and you paint a really clear picture of your new therapist. I have a feeling this is going to be a good thing. I especially liked this part: "she's very cure-oriented, which i like. by that i mean she expects treatment to actually work and not just "stay in therapy forever." That strikes me as a sign that she'll be dedicated to your best interests, and not strictly hers.
from musicman6724 :
Egad! Broken guitars! Horror stories. I had a friend yank a table out from under my acoustic guitar when I was in college. He didn't know it was resting the way it was and it hit the floor on one edge. It still has a little shatter mark in the finish and the wood is slightly separated, but I never got it fixed. So I was lucky, because it still sounds good. I would be making death threats if one of my cats broke my guitar. Just threats though...because I love my cats. I'd get over it.
from chaosdaily :
its either gold or supergold, and if they leave a comment or you can find them on a stats tracker you will have their ip
from chaosdaily :
one of the things i like best about dland is the ability to ban an IP number..
from minstrelite :
Hang in there. You're where you're supposed to be.
from chaosdaily :
yeah quitting smoking sucks. hang in there, it will get better eventually
from minstrelite :
As I read your entry, I find it amazing that you succeeded in quitting smoking at a time when all the disturbances you mention would have caused practically anybody to light up again. I'm proud of you.
from katbox :
hey! What happened to you? I hope things are well. Take care, Kat
from minstrelite :
I think there's a lot of value to not kicking yourself too hard when you go hours on end without accomplishing something, even though you really want to accomplish something during those hours. We are only human, and sometimes our energy lags, or something happens to divert us from our plan, or something happens that suddenly drains us emotionally and we feel like crawling under the covers in an attempt to make it all go away. Then we wake up and feel guilty for not having been more proactive in dealing with the relatively innocuous slings and arrows of minor misfortune. As you can tell, I identify, and I probably haven't helped you one bit. I did have a good day on Saturday, though. I was relaxed, got a lot done, and felt good about it. I think it's a good idea to remind ourselves take the good with the bad, difficult that may be at times.
from morticon :
I opened it up and the cords are in wonderful shape. Next I'm gonna work on the connections and install it as a secondary drive to see if I can access it. I'll let you know how it works out. :] Thanks!
from hadassah :
You made me chuckle with your note. Just make sure you really want to get pregnant before trying it. LOL
from fightn4life :
Oh�a new rescued kitty, I am so glad you saved the little one. You're an angel. Sandyz
from katbox :
Thank you and Your welcome (this is where you can imagine me now taking a bow). Yes, I really am ridiculous.
from scotvalkyrie :
Yippee! Another Knitwit! I've been getting interesting response to my "help me find this yarn" banner -- It's a yarn called Gerifil Spaghetti, color 1062 -- I'm 1/2 way through a sweater, and I ran out! GAH!!
from katbox :
I think I just sent you a message. We will see.
from katbox :
Something just clicked in my brain. Size 19 knitting needles? What are you making? I usually go crazy in the other direction with 0s and 1s.
from katbox :
I'd love to see your picture. I checked to make sure my e-mail was correct on my account settings. Try again :)
from morticon :
That's wonderful news! I appreciate the tips, I'm so glad to know there may still be some hope in saving my data ^-^ Thanks so much for coming by and letting me know!
from minstrelite :
lol just didnt want to spell out your addy on the internet -- thats why i get nothing but porno spam on my runbox. which i never check any more but always spell out on someone's haloscan, just so as to be permitted to post comments there.....
from minstrelite :
I sent it to an addy I had in my hotmail -- a gmail address of yours, with a username like unto your MySpace.
from katbox :
I like yo ur diary. Keep transcending yourself. Paint it, write about it, go with it. It is a gift. Take care, kat.
from fightn4life :
Sometimes words can not capture a visual, other times a picture can't. Writing about it helps keep it alive and when you reread it later you may for a moment recapture the image. It sounded awesome, Sandyz
from musicman6724 :
Haha...Joe South! I actually have a copy of "Introspect" in my collection. Haven't listened to it in a looong time! I think my favorite song is "Mirror of Your Mind." Good lyric from "Games People Play" in your title, too. :-)
from minstrelite :
Off the top, I would say that if the voice is still a "still, small voice," I'd hold off. If it becomes blaringingly loud, I'd be concerned. The enemy often shouts at me and tries to catch me off-guard, but the Spirit usually moves slowly, quietly, and steadily within me. As for Joe South, crank him up as loud as you want. You might need the release. ')
from minstrelite :
Jamie, I'm absolutely certain I emailed you the username/password combo several weeks ago. Maybe I have your address wrong. I'll leave you a MySpace message.
from minstrelite :
My thoughts as to your most recent, eloquent, and telling entry are twofold (not that I expect you to respect the suggestions of someone as inexperienced in this area of life as I). First, if you can suspend any notion of black-and-white thinking, or any decision based on that, and manage to get yourself to those who, 1000 miles away, will be eager to help dry your tears; that would be wonderful, and it need not be considered that this be forever -- but certainly for a season. Secondly, I was so blown away by some of the poetic turn of phrase in your writing style it really amazed me. The references to echoes and shadows, not even tangible enough to be ghosts, sent chills down my spine. I hope that the act of composing this entry was cathartic for you. Also, I guess I would have to say that I hope you don't close yourself off to the possibility of healing, even if you have no conception as to whence healing might emerge.
from fightn4life :
Oh no, I love dry roasted nuts. Now I need to read the back of that container. Sigh� Sandyz
from fightn4life :
[email protected] Please put Pass word-username in subject line�it will get lost in spam. Sorry a late response I am up north for some much needed R&R. Sandyz
from minstrelite :
I like it when someone stands up for the oppressed like that. Good on him.
from minstrelite :
I flushed the new meds down the toilet while leaving a message with the doctor saying: "Here this? This is the sound of a bottle of respirdal being flushed down the toilet." They later returned me to my previous dosage of the previous meds. Thanks for your note.
from fightn4life :
Don't feel bad about freaking out over a crazy acting computer; I have stressed so much when my computer went hay wire. I was lost for four days while it was in the shop. Like you my computer is my life line, and I love to write, without it I feel more alone. Silly I know but true. Hope you get it all worked out and it works better for you, Sandyz
from minstrelite :
Hey there. You may or may not have noticed that I am in fact back on D-Land, and that once again you are among my faves. I just read your last three entries. You could probably publish the one about him claiming not to know he was being hateful. It was poetic. I'll send you an email on another subject, later.
from fightn4life :
Did I get you my pass word and user name? Lord with all that is going on I can't recall. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I know you don't update often but when you do please do not think I have blocked you by locking up my Diary. So much sadness is in my life right now and I needed my own safe harbor. If you desire to journey with me I will be glad to give you my password and username. I am keeping track of my network of readers as not to hurt any one in our extended family. My girls haven't been told yet as well. I didn't want anyone from this part of the world to know my thoughts, so I have locked up and place the key in a safe place. When you stumble on my world leave a note and I'll send you the secret passage. Thinking of your little place in the world on this summer night, and thanking God you are all alright. Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
you can always say, oh you sent me an email? i didnt get it. what address did you use? oh thats not my main one.. then walk away without giving her the addy lol
from fightn4life :
Good Lord that GF sounds like a bit*h...what did she say when you told her the picture went to the same place you did? LOL This is going to be interesting. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry you kitty has passed on, makes my heart sad but I do know all animals go to heaven so you will one day be reunited. I thought it was only me, but Diary Land is s-l-o-w, it took my page 9 minutes to add an entry, when I go to someone notes it takes me 10 or more minutes waiting for that page to open. Wonder what is going on. My heart is with you again I am so sorry for your loss. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Did I tell you I have written a manuscript? I am in the rewrite, well, it is on hold due to the foggy world I am stumbling in. Works good with me being a world-class procrastinator. That's ok�my excuses are fading and I'll get back in the swing of things. Now it's your turn, (not the foggy world part- the getting back to some serious writing thing) But�you need to hang onto Diary Land for a place to spin your wheels. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Thank you for adding me, I do like your writings. Boy can I relate to the notion of getting back to finding those creative juices. I have a manuscript I have been working on for years, and then my inspiration is lost in the wind. I am going to cast a large net and capture it, MAKE myself calm down and stop procrastinating. Tomorrow. :) Sandyz
from minstrelite :
Of course, neither of the two little baggies of weed were laced, but your metabolism is such that you can't handle pot. I'm the same way, actually, and I consider it a blessing, otherwise I'd be a pothead, like I uesed to be. Not sure when my metabolism made the big shift, but it seemed to conincide with when Chrsitianity set in, because my rapid heartbeat and similar symptoms such as you mentioned were accompanied with condemning accusations that I took to be from God, but after I recovered from the experience realized had emerged from the Accuser of the Brethren. So, better not to smoke pot. (Besides, I developed a paranoia that all the Internet trolls were hanging outside the windows with machine guns with orders to "fire when ready." Nasty stuff, that.)
from minstrelite :
I've been wanting to contact you about the location of Eden, but I thought you had said there was no way to reach you through D-Land. I waited a while to see if you would reach me through the contact info on my web site, but anyway I am here now. This doesn't have to do with anything I wrote when I was trying to determine whether or not I could continue to identify myself as a Christian. It has to do with the musical I wrote, and which I have been working on for a few years now. The name of the first song is "Where is Eden?" in which the main character is searching for Paradise. The conclusion that is drawn toward the end of the show is that this is a burdensome search, because it cannot be found on Earth. I am wondering if I am going to lose my audience if the conclusion is not in some way more optimistic or idealistic. Most musicals, almost by definition, present life not as it is, but as it ought to be. I have a feeling that if you can show me the evidence that Eden was actually in Heaven, and not on Earth, it will help me to make some final changes before I present the script, music and lyrics to the company that may be workshopping this piece in the San Francisco Bay Area. This feeling is based on the idea that these things do not generally happen by coincidence; i.e., you mentioned in your entry that Eden was in heaven, and I wrote a song called "Where is Eden?" whose purpose is essential to my project. It looks like I will be meeting with these people, the theatre people, on the weekend of April 6-7. My email address is runner4ever at runbox dot com. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
from fightn4life :
I just read something you wrote that clicked with my life..."I am madly in love with my husband but wonder if he notices." (Something like that) Wow...I was looking at my husband this morning feeling so much love but so alone while his gaze was off in another world wonder if he knows I am here. Hum... things to ponder. Sandyz
from vicunja :
Welcome back. You've been missed!
from fightn4life :
I too took time and many web design changes before I decided on one that is spiritual. I figured if I alienated some people it would be worth it if I found one nonbeliever that might read and begin their search. It has never mattered to me about another person's belief it is not for me to judge. Hard as it can be at times, we are tested while in the flesh by choices we make roads we choose to follow. Hang in there trying to quit smoking, I attempted to quit on and off for 10 of the 30 years I smoked. One quit try a few years ago and it stuck. I still don't think of myself as a nonsmoker I feel more like a smoker that chooses not to smoke today�so far my "today" has been almost 5 years. I did follow a quit program then spent a few years on a stop smoking web site that is designed for people living without the smokers mask. I do know I am a nicotine addict; one smoke will chain me back to the world of smoke. My husband is a chain smoker so it is possible to quit living with a smoker, although it took allot of support from other quitters. Most important I know it is all about choice, and I chose not to smoke. You cannot fail at quitting as long as you never give up trying. Glad your back and I found your page. What you wrote about your love is what I have been dealing with for some time, I think the on and off depression is the hardest. I just wish things could be as they once were, and we have been together almost 17 years. Sandyz
from chaosdaily :
thanks for the note. as it turned out, man did talk to her, and found out what was up. tune in tomorrow for the explanation! and i love madeline l'engle too!
from fightn4life :
I loved this entry of yours, so softly spoken but a powerful meaning. Some times I wonder if I am a �Christen�� true meaning, �follower of Christ.� I suppose the very reason you stated make cause for me to deny only the word �christen� but not belief in our God, being of both Jesus and our Lord as one. I choose spiritual as it opens in my mind many religions, beliefs and customs not signaling out only one possibility. I believe we are to question because it allows our search to continue. When we find the �prize,� we stop looking for more miracles and center only on what we have in our hands. We might never learn what is within our hearts. Thank you for posting with a link so I too could read your entry. Sandyz
from pink-circle :
{Circle Invite} On behalf of the circle, I invite you to join our writer's group. I have noticed your shown interest in poetry/writing. If you are interested, please note back. :) ~Circle Counsil
from z0tl :
from mechaieh :
I've never cared for "panties" either, but "knickers" has a nice snap to it. At least, to my ear. "Bloomers" is right out, though.
from silverbiker :
very happy you got a job as an exotic dancer.. that is what i want to be..such a lovely thing to do in my opinion :) ya gotta tell me how it goes :) love ya
from just-talk :
Ooops! I'm sorry, I meant she, I just can't type. I'll go fix that.
from silverbiker :
If you look at art it'll bring memories or it'll take pain away :) But it sometimes brings back the bad stuff..haha! :) Well I'll keep visiting your diary
from jonasty :
mmmmm, yes, school is over, and i'm being a diaryland dork. hehehe! just cruising around reading about other people's lives! :) yours caught my eye and i just wanted to say your diary is really great! keep smilin, keep writin! *yay*
from girlgenie :
cheers to tequila! if it doesnt make me instantly happy, i dont know what does.
from mel839 :
hihihihihihihi
from girlgenie :
wordwhore: and i'm falling down from a great height.
from mel839 :
hello!
from tasteless :
hey i just read a couple of yur entries. pretty good shit. keep writin' -tasteless
from rfb :
:Phfft I will update soon, slut. How t'ings?
from mechaieh :
Yo, liked your poem for the poet-collab. Vivid stuff. :-)
from johnpowers :
Cool. I am the first to get to say hello. Hello, I like your graphic.

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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