messages to lust-:
(click here to add new message):

from illusionless :
Sounds like your life is in wonderful harmony at the moment. I'm so happy to hear that. :) Take every moment as it comes and cherish the memories you make.
from jarofporter :
glad to see the positivity in your entry today (5/24)! i'm with you, introverts don't need anywhere near as much face-time with others, but it's good to catch up every so often. thanks for your recent note & the good vibes too!
from loveherwell :
i love that idea of the “garden version” of ourselves. it’s a helpful image to have in mind but i think we have to know what is/isn’t attainable about it. regardless: that house sounds adorable and you DO deserve it. you deserve your space, stability, and the peace that will bring.
from floodtide :
By the way, and not at all incidentally: Somehow Diaryland "locked" me offline a year ago. Multiple e-mails to multiple e-addresses associated with Andrew (who manages D-land) have gone unanswered,; so have the $$ I've sent via PayPal and Venmo trying to get him to give me some attention. You can only read floodtide.diaryland.com by beginning on May 3 of last year and clicking on "ebb" (i.e., "previous) one entry at a time. Archives, etc. are "offline." I write, usually daily and occasionally more often than that, at https://flloodtide2.blogspot.com/.
from floodtide :
I saw your note to Shannon/swordfern on her page and was taken by your elegant and intelligent use of language, and by your empathy. I clicked on your diary and started reading. And I just kept going. You write with generous honesty as well as intelligence and care; you share openly which is brave and selfless. You and your words are a gift.
from swordfern :
❤︎
from loveherwell :
there is both so much good and so much bad in living with your parents again as an adult. i loved being surrounded by people again but struggled hard with the lack of true privacy and with the expectations that were placed upon me again (regressing me, it felt, back to teenagerdom). i think it’s great that you can actually realize the benefits of it while still living there (like your mom helping with aura)! but i understand missing that true feeling of freedom (especially after living alone for the first time). regardless...you’ll get there! and you and aura will make a sweet little home.
from aryssa90 :
I’m sorry you feel shitty and I know notes aren’t the same as a hug but you did the right thing. I know it can be really hard to report against a family member especially when you don’t have the support of your family. I know Glo is so important to you and you’re doing what you can to make sure she’s safe. Don’t feel bad for not reporting it earlier and fuck that worker.
from illusionless :
I think you did the right thing making another report. The safety of a child is important. It takes guts to do what you feel is right when nobody supports you. You are strong.
from loveherwell :
your words and advice are always welcome! i get so excited when i see you've left a new note. :) and i really like this idea of finding other ways to feel valid -- i'll do some thinking on it.
from loveherwell :
your note was incredibly, incredibly kind. thank you. seeing those accomplishments through someone else's eyes makes them feel more concrete. i've been doing yoga daily for nearly two months now, and it serves me more than i thought it would. i am glad you got a day off and were able to enjoy it -- you deserve it. i am so proud of how you are taking care of yourself. it makes me feel like it's possible for all of us.
from illusionless :
Thank you so much! I have my dads support as well since he's told me he feels the same way as my mom. But I will show them that this time I'm not going back.
from jarofporter :
maybe you need a supportive, platonic cuddle-buddy?
from aryssa90 :
That sounds like a great dream! I think the things you want will come, you’ve come so far and you’re such an amazing person!
from loveherwell :
that dream is so, so lovely. i wish it could be real! i hope you're holding up okay - i may take a cue from you and do that 'fuck it' meditation...
from swordfern :
Every time I read about cases in care homes I think of you. Thank you for continuing to work and take care of our seniors. When we cheer off of our balconies every day, I am sending gratitude to you.
from swordfern :
Hah. Fair stance on men/romantic relationships. Sorry for projecting on you!
from swordfern :
Hah, I came here to comment on "Weak men are intimidated by strong women." I can't wait for a 'strong' man to discover and appreciate you. And I think you'd make a fantastic yoga teacher. Incorporating your energy along with movement and breath into a care home setting would be such a gift for the residents.
from jarofporter :
"Weak men are intimidated by strong women." - yes, exactly!
from aryssa90 :
You’re doing a great job with Aura! Today is Puppy Day and you can celebrate! I think the idea of you becoming a certified yoga instructor is amazing! Your entry today made me so happy to see how well you’re doing. You’re such an amazing person and you deserve to be surrounded by amazing people.
from sparkle-pink :
yeah i love the planner! adds some structure to my day, plus keeps me from drowning in depression. my sister Brux is who actually came up with that idea!
from the-grey-one :
hey thanks so much for the note! i’m in alberta, i appreciate very much the offer to chat, i feel like the initial anxiety and all that has lifted quite a bit though, and am falling more back into my quiet demeanour. sounds like you are doing an awesome job of taking care of yourself! cheers!
from aryssa90 :
Dogs can be very frustrating at times! It’s probably best not to Give her attention when she’s barking like that, you don’t want to reinforce the negative behavior with something positive like attention. When Dax would do that (or when he does that now although it’s much better) I tel him no in a stern voice and then literally Turn my back to him and refuse to acknowledge him. It’s something I learned in the dog training class. You’re doing a great job, it’s a learning curve for everyone. You’re giving Aura a great home and so much love. The rest will come 💙
from illusionless :
I completely understand. I'm the same way. I'm the helper not the helpee. I have to ask to be the helpee. But know that we are the strong ones and that in itself is a gift.
from swordfern :
"The world is crumbling and I have been given opportunities. I place my hands over my chest and thank the Universe." In these times we learn who we really are. I see you stepping up to help others. And that is beautiful.
from whystinger :
I also ponder getting certified in Yoga, but feel that I need to regularly practice (you do it way more than I) and I too, have put it on the back burner for now. I also need to get caught up on your diary.
from swordfern :
Thank you for reminding me that saying I Love You is also a struggle for me. I value the blunt honesty immensely. Sometimes it's hard to see ones own contribution to a situation. You are right, and while I express impatience I know that I haven't told him that I need this reassurance and cannot expect him to read my mind. 💜
from swordfern :
This is a powerful update. Of course I compare your story with my own, and I'm impressed with your ability to stay true to yourself in a four-hour long relationship debrief with M. You are on the right path - I see your light shining again. :)
from noworry4tzl :
I say again..
from loveherwell :
it takes so, so long to truly move on. i still dream about matt, things still remind me of him. and it's been nearly three years. you are doing so well - truly - by putting yourself and your needs first. and that's what you need right now. all things will come in time.
from aryssa90 :
I’ve only ever done her 30 day challenge videos! When I’m done with those I’ll have to try the other ones! I’m glad you liked it! Your stained glass pieces are so beautiful , I can’t wait to have some extra funds to purchase a piece!
from sparkle-pink :
right?????? i don't get it. and like, vaping only smells good. well, at least from my experiences. and the smell doesn't stick around........ vancouver sucks a lot sometimes. Burnaby doesn't seem to be as strict, and I have 2 viewings tomorrow for places that know my mom smokes. Here's hoping!
from aryssa90 :
Did you do an Erin motz video?! If so, how did you like it?
from illusionless :
"if I wasn't here right now, there is no way that my friendships and connections with others in my life would be this strong." It's ironic you would write something like that today. ^_^ In therapy yesterday I touched on how I feel that if I wasn't alive then it wouldn't affect my relationships at all because I don't bring anything valuable to them. I am so happy to hear that you know your value to the people around you and can pinpoint it. It's beautiful. :) Just wanted to share. You are truly an inspiration to me!
from aryssa90 :
I’m doing the 30 day yoga challenge with Erin Motz! Maybe when I finish this one I’ll try the one with Adrienne!
from whystinger :
Your Ma is controlling, that pattern is familiar to you and that helped M control you. I am glad you aren't BPD and remember, your feelings ARE valid.
from swordfern :
I read something today about triggering people/situations and how the triggers are teachers. This re-frame was helpful for me and made me think of your current journey. And it also seems related to your current entry about control/mother/M.
from aryssa90 :
Dog ownership is hard at times and even though I love Dax there have been plenty of times I’ve thought “why do I have a dog?”. And he is a major boundary tester! It sounds like your pupper is learning to trust you like the person below my note said which is good but also frustrating! You’ve got this!
from illusionless :
Sounds like Aura is testing your boundaries. That's a good thing. It means she's comfortable enough with you to test you. You are right that consistency and patience is key. Don't lose hope. She will start to learn and memorize your cues. It just takes time. You are a great dog mommy from what I've read! Don't let self-doubt win.
from loveherwell :
this is random but i just remembered i forgot to say that yes, you can follow my instagram, of course!! can i email you the username?
from whystinger :
When you first wrote about BPD, I thought you had a professional diagnosis but remember thinking "this could fit, but doesn't seem a good fit." My ex-wife was an undiagnosed high functioning BPD as according to a Therapist who cautioned "I have not examined nor worked with her, but the DSM IV has symptoms and she fits an awful lot of them. Remember I am not making a diagnosis, but..." My ex exhibited quite a few of those traits but if she had BPD, she would have been a very minor case, very high functioning. Could it be that M was the BPD and manipulated you? They frequently gaslight and project and do other things. Many Therapists don't want to treat BPD as they are very difficult and can fool them. I was once at a presentation by a mental health professional who specialize in treating BPD. He detailed how they can be difficult to treat "and they seemed to know what we would do next, before we knew." Interesting fact: DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is one of the treatments for BPD, but the ironic thing is, we all could benefit from learning and practicing DBT.
from illusionless :
Thank you for the lovely note. I will be sure to do that. You are doing amazing by the way! You are an inspiration. Remember that.
from whystinger :
Zoe Kravitz is so hot.
from whystinger :
I remember that I had missed a lot of your entries and then you mentioned BPD back then . I assumed that you had a professional evaluation and were diagnosed by a professional. Do I understand that a mental health professional did NOT diagnose you as BPD and it was only him? If I had a bunch of time on my hand, I would go way back and read the beginning of your relationship. I seem to remember that I sensed something amiss with your relationship and I wasn't too keen on something in the relationship back then, but after a while, you were happy, so I put that out of my mind. I am glad that the real you is coming back. I had to become healthier in order to leave my ex, so I have some understanding of what you have gone through and it ain't fun, but you will be stronger because of it. Figure out what he was doing and work with a therapist to recognize those manipulations so you don't fall for them again.
from whystinger :
Extreme pressure and heat is what creates diamonds out of carbon. On other materials pressure and heat causes extreme wear and material failure. Now I am wondering if I should go back and re-read your diary going way back and reading everything without skipping entries. Sounds like you had been controlled and manipulated. That is what drove me into a mental illness - depression. I am glad that you are getting healthy and stronger now. I had to get stronger and healthier in order to leave my ex. High five to your friend.
from loveherwell :
omg thank you SO MUCH for that note <3 <3 <3
from illusionless :
Thank you for the encouragement. Congrats on your new puppy dog. ^_^
from loveherwell :
i am so excited for and proud of you and your lovely little pupper!! it's the start of a very exciting adventure. (i've had emma seven years and she's literally moved countries with me, haha.) also, you will be mourning your relationship for a long time. matt and i broke up nearly 3 years ago and there are still days where i'm mourning the relationship. but it does get easier.
from aryssa90 :
Thanks for your note and OMG IM SO EXCITED TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PUP ADVENTURES! You’re going to be amazing, I know it. You have so much love to give and that’s most of what she needs right now ❤️
from eloira :
Thanks for your note hun. Been a while since I caught up! Sorry for the absence... Thanks for being awesome, please stay that way!
from swordfern :
Hah! I can't believe that you guessed right about skiing! We are going to spend a day or two in Tokyo acclimatizing and then head up to the Nagano area for five days of skiing. He booked us a private evening in a mountainside natural hot spring... *sigh*
from jarofporter :
just remember, that 'child-like play' doesn't have to include children; it's more about approach/attitude!
from swordfern :
Thank you, my dear, for that list of five positive traits. Those are the exact things that I would wish to be remembered for. FWIW, I moved home at age 38, after not living there since I was 17. I wished that I'd been able to stand on my own two legs, but I was grateful (as I know you are) to have my family as a safety net. Take heart that it's temporary, and I wonder if your adventures in stained glass would be happening if you weren't living there??!!! xoxox
from whystinger :
Part of what I meant is that you can ask the therapist for more of what you want or need. When she was teaching me how to recognize my ex-wife's games and manipulations, I got plenty of feedback. Now when I work on things, she sometimes doesn't give a lot of feedback, but it is difficult as it is over the phone and in person works better. I do need to define more of what I wish to get out of my therapy too. As for the plants, I am still working with my citrus tree stuff. Just Sunday I bought a pot to put them in. You mentioned the herb garden and I found some really great herb gardens at my local Lowes, marked down from $29 to $10 and want to buy one or two. I just need to figure out where I can place it in the house so it gets light. As I leave on many Mondays and return on Thursday or Friday, I keep the shades (wooden blinds) closed, so I have to figure that out.
from whystinger :
Finding a good therapist can be quite a task, but it also takes time to adjust to them and vice versa. She was probably asking questions to understand better and she now knows you. Remember this: you can ask her for what you need more of. For example, lately I have asked my therapist for more feedback as I have stuck with my former therapist and we have sessions over the phone. I should look around but she knows me well. I should ask her for more kicks in the ass.
from the-grey-one :
brave, self-aware, adventurous (a difference between bravery as you don’t have to be adventurous to be brave but you are both), loving, and someone who fights the good fight! 🤘
from swordfern :
Here are five positive traits that I believe that you possess: creative, growth-oriented, honest, empathic, and authentic. I could list more - those are just the first that come to mind. 💛
from the-grey-one :
yaaay!! puppy!!
from loveherwell :
yessssss!!!! congrats!!!!
from aryssa90 :
IM SO EFFING EXCITED FOR YOU! YOURE GOING TO BE AN AWESOME PAWRENT!
from papotheclown :
I love the idea of writing letters to yourself. I think I am going to have to steal it.
from swordfern :
Life is putting you through a lot of tests at the moment. Your courage and strength through this is admirable.
from eloira :
Your most recent entry ticks all of the boxes for my life too! The wanderlust and hatred for the general public are very real...
from loveherwell :
you are the most genuinely lovely person. thank you so much for your note. i am sorry that you did not get the position, but it is so encouraging to see your response to this event in your life. you are going to find something good soon. and it is incredibly positive that they liked you so much that they want to find a position *for* you. you, of all people, deserve it. i'm also glad you are enjoying the 30 days of ywa this month too. i find it gives me something to look forward to even during through the dark and cold of january.
from papotheclown :
I too really love sex while high. It's the best. As for the puppy, I am trying to defer to my roommate as it is her dog and she's going off of some book(s) she read. There's some progress being made, but in the end puppies (and babies) are just awful. Only old dogs for this guy.
from swordfern :
It's not too much to ask. I'm disappointed to hear that you didn't get the volunteer coordinator role. Frustrating. :(
from aryssa90 :
Fuck depression so much. You got this 💙
from swordfern :
Keep on going... you're doing so great. I believe in you. Trust that the lows will decrease in frequency and intensity. xoxo
from aryssa90 :
ALEHHHHHHXISSSS
from sparkle-pink :
Thank you!! The trip was a blast. Exhausting and boring at some parts, but overall fun. I wish I could have spent more time at Tybee Island, but I couldn't miss more work than what I did.
from loveherwell :
love this energy!!!
from swordfern :
Do you believe that you have BPD?
from whystinger :
First thank you for the info on the meditation stuff on YouTube. I have started to partake. Second and more importantly, please stop being so hard on yourself. I feel that you need to give yourself some time to heal from your last relationship. If I am out of line, let me know and I will cease and desist. I would say more, but I have been drinking and it is probably not my best.
from loveherwell :
that need for stability, routine, is natural — and applying for jobs is legitimately so soul-crushing that it’s ridiculous. but i think you’ve chosen a good route — only apply to the ones you actually really want. i have my fingers crossed for you.
from aryssa90 :
I really understand how you’re feeling. Being a caretaker for someone can take so much out of ourselves. We can definitely lose ourselves and the process of finding ourselves again and starting over can be overwhelming and devastating. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re such an amazing person with so much to offer not only other people but yourself as well. I’m always here if you need to talk.
from loveherwell :
some people will never take responsibility for things like that — it sucks (really it does), but i’m glad to see you actually going through the emotions and taking the time for self-analysis. hopefully he gets there at some point as well.
from whystinger :
Re: your entry 12/28/2019. Where do you find these healing meditations? I am a beginner with meditation and need to get back into it. The real reason for this second note today is your entry - growth. "He needs to take responsibility and be held accountable..." My ex still does not take accountability for her part in the divorce. She (as well as he) is empowered to take responsibility for their health (mental and physical) as well as what they did or did not do in the relationship. Sounds like he may have been manipulating you and something snapped and now you are starting to see with clarity. I applaud you for that. That is more growth and healing happening!
from whystinger :
Merry Christmas! Perhaps you know me a bit better than I thought, yes basil is a MUST HAVE! I have a volunteer tangerine tree in the back yard, growing right next to a larger oak tree. They have a ton of seeds and I am thinking of starting some seedlings from that to see how they grow indoors and maybe the lemon seeds. I am now also leaning toward another houseplant...
from illusionless :
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
from illusionless :
I know how she feels. I prefer the original voice actors but I get horrible eye strain when I read subtitles for too long plus being near-sighted makes me have to choose between reading and seeing the action. Taking into account those two things I also prefer dubbed.
from whystinger :
You have me really thinking about a house plant and how to keep it with enough light when I am out of town. Guess I will leave the blinds open wherever the plant is when I leave for several days. I am interested in the lemon plant and also lemon grass and some of my old favorites. Will keep you posted. Oh, I also may cheat and grow an herb garden... does that count?
from illusionless :
Yes! It is good. Season 4 just came out. My obsession right now is The Rising of The Shield Hero. I'm also watching Tokyo Ghoul. It's been out for a while, but just getting around to watching it now lol. So much anime so little time. :)
from illusionless :
What anime was your niece watching? I'm the only anime fan in my entire family nieces and nephews included. XD
from the-grey-one :
so many times i’ve posted “please disregard previous entry - i just got my period” nice to see it somewhere else! hehe. but also i know very well the frustration of job searching. i hope you find something soon. <3
from whystinger :
Jan 14 for a plant. You are on. I reserve the right to either buy one or grow one from seeds. I read an article about making a house plant out of lemon seedlings. I may try that. When I was transferred from NJ, I gave away 30 house plants. I rooted a lot of cuttings.
from whystinger :
Sat Dec 14 entry. Lust- I read today's entry and a few yesterday and you are making so much progress! Recognize that you are making progress and that is major. I am happy for you, proud of you (isn't is sort of crazy we feel for our Diaryland friends?). Rebuild your plant collection - I need to rebuild mine but it has been a long time. My ex was afraid that my plants would poison the cats so they had to go and I never really brought them back.
from swordfern :
Having gratitude for prior traumas is the basis of Radical Forgiveness. I think you're naturally finding this path without even reading the book! I remember being rejected for jobs but looking back I never really wanted any of them. Having been on the hiring end of things, it's very clear who is suited for the job and who isn't. I've interviewed amazing job candidates and not offered them the job because I know that they will ultimately not thrive in the role because it's not their passion or doesn't suit their talents. You love dogs - what about starting your own dog walking business or something similar? What else are you passionate about? Following your passion will lead to success.
from jarofporter :
your 'inner child' insight is right on, i think. great work in recognizing that!
from sparkle-pink :
Ty! Happy holidays to you and your family as well! And that animal crossing story is even worse than you remember. It was a streetpass event at an eb games. There was a group of 8 year olds in the store and Laura and I saw that and walked right in. We practically cornered this one kid and it was terrible. The best part is when Laura asked to take a picture with him and he was all .........no. GOOD TIMES.
from whystinger :
I think I am seeing progress. :-D>
from swordfern :
(And thank you for being kind and caring and leaving me a note while in the midst of your own trauma. That means a lot to me. You are more amazing than you realize. xoxo)
from swordfern :
(But it's wise to still grieve.)
from swordfern :
I remember agonizing over everything that I lost in the break up. That held me back a lot. Once I started to focus on what I was gaining things shifted tremendously.
from loveherwell :
your note was exactly what i needed, because you're absolutely right -- sometimes i just forget. thank you for the reminder. for what it's worth, it's been 2.5 years since i was with matt, and i still sometimes come across things i wish i could show him. it's weird how these things ebb and flow. but the good thing is that it is always getting better.
from jarofporter :
really glad to hear you had such a great day!
from poetinthesky :
Hi there. I can relate... tremendously! Hang in there... cry it out. Let all the pain flow through and out of you. The only way out is through...
from loveherwell :
just like you said, healing (progress at all) isn’t linear. it’s good that you are letting yourself feel all of your feelings.
from sparkle-pink :
Things are winding down re: stress level. Still full of anxiety, hoping that calms down. And that's a great idea to do something good for yourself every day!
from loveherwell :
i felt so trapped when i was living in colorado, so far from my family and friends, to be with matt. i know how hard it is to deal with. and what a relief it is to go back home.
from swordfern :
You are growing and expanding. Witnessing your transformation is a gift. Keep going - I can't wait to see your heart shining brightly. You are muchly liked and loved. xoxo
from loveherwell :
i love your latest entry. you ARE well-liked and loved, and i’m so happy to see you giving yourself compassion. i am sorry that this is such a difficult time, but i am so glad to see you making decisions that are clearly the best for you. i’m sending you good thoughts.
from whystinger :
One of the things I was trying to say was I think you did a good job of supporting him - you managed things he didn't want to in his life, so don't be so hard on yourself.
from whystinger :
One of the things we do is we support our mates to the best of our ability. In your case, you had anxiety and could you really have tried harder? Was he supporting you in the way you needed? I supported my ex-wife by going to all of her work functions and some fun functions, yet she gave me a very difficult time about going to my functions even though she did not have anxiety over them. Other ways she could have supported me, she didn't. Hell, one time she couldn't even give me a ride to a race I wanted to run in. I am glad that you have found a good therapist.
from sparkle-pink :
coffee with you would be great right now! Thinking about you lots.
from swordfern :
“When only one of the couple changes, they grow apart.” This is what my therapist showed me at the end of my relationship too. My ex had told me for years that I needed therapy and so I did all of the therapy and learned how to set boundaries and manage my inner critic and that I deserved to be seen and heard. And then I started to understand that my ex was incapable of meeting my needs and that he was not willing to do his own work. Anyhow, the therapist said that when only one part of the couple comes in to 'work on the relationship' that she often sees the relationship end. So one person grows while the other stays the same, and then the relationship can no longer function because the reason for it existing in the first place has disappeared.
from whystinger :
Your New Beginnings entry hit home. I read "He wanted me to change, but didn't realize that he needed to change, as well" and "everything I did, I did for him." That was the way my marriage was. She wanted me to change, but refused to change herself in the areas she needed to change. I grew tired of changing and didn't like what I was changing into, plus both of us should have changed and grown together. When only one of the couple changes, they grow apart. Glad you are recognizing this now.
from whystinger :
Definitely find your light Des. You can make it through this difficult spell and the world is a better and more interesting place with you in it. We need you around. Find your light and work on healing - you will set an example for your friends and family.
from whystinger :
Don't give up, find DBT where you are now. If you don't find it, keep digging, as it is worth it. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for and you can grow and change - if you want to. I know that you can! Hugs.
from swordfern :
Oh - and about what you said: "It's difficult to control our actions when we've been betraying our needs for so long." This summarizes everything for me. Thank you. You've helped me see myself more clearly even in the midst of your own trauma. xoxo
from swordfern :
"If you're going through hell, keep going." You are in the birth canal of change. The part where you say that you're putting your parents through shit? I say that's crap - you need support and care right now, and if your struggle is hard for your parents to bear, then that's their problem and not yours.
from whystinger :
I do hope that you take advantage of the DBT training. That is the way we all should deal with each other. I wish you much success in rewiring your brain - many have done it successfully, but you have to choose to do it. I know that you posses a great strength, so I know you can do it if you apply yourself. I wish you the best and hope you keep updating.
from swordfern :
Your honesty is admirable. I hope that you can be kind to yourself. I did things that I'm ashamed of too, including throwing a kitchen knife in his direction. It's still hard to reconcile my behaviour in that circumstance, but I know now that it was in relation to self-betrayal and lack of boundaries. It sounds like you are making the right decision, to step away and give space when things are causing you to be so reactive. xoxox
from the-grey-one :
<3<3<3
from sparkle-pink :
I am really sorry to hear about you and M. if you need anything or to talk or even just vent I am here for you all the way.
from whystinger :
I am a bit surprised yet not that you and M broke up. I hope that you continue on with the DBT and therapy, as that can be life changing. Break ups are tough and they suck, but they generally happen for the best. You have my support, If you need something let me know. I haven't been on here too much lately, but I have been making more time for D-land. Hugs.
from aryssa90 :
I am so so sorry. I saw that you’re off social media but please feel free to message me here or any of the media’s. I’m here for you. Whatever happened I’m sure there’s a lot of pain. You’re not alone, we have a lot of love for you here too 💜
from illusionless :
I'm so sorry about the break-up! Regardless of who initiated what it's still a hard thing to go through on both sides. I wish you the best in your new life direction.
from jarofporter :
I'm sure this is tough, but you're strong enough to get through it and come out even better! I'll reply to your email soon!
from loveherwell :
all my love <3
from swordfern :
You seem in much better spirits in the last entry. I think having something to look forward to - a new pup! - is a wonderful idea. And I've never built up the courage to go to Aquafit - those older ladies terrify me as they all seem to know what to do. And I know that I'd be flailing. Impressed with your putting yourself out there! Safe travels!
from swordfern :
It takes courage to try out a new class. And taking a class that involves minimal clothing is another level of terrifying. I hope that it goes ok!!
from jarofporter :
i know i've talked about it in my journal before, but i thought maybe i'd suggest this to you directly. if it doesn't connect with you, no worries, but maybe you might try it & see if it helps? https://youtu.be/nzCaZQqAs9I
from swordfern :
Is it really about the chores? I wonder about that in juxtaposition with your desire for a dog.
from swordfern :
xoxo
from aryssa90 :
Thank you for your notes, I wasn’t trying to ignore you, I’ve just been isolating a bit. Your words really meant a lot to me. I’m also wishing you luck and thinking about you, you’re such a strong person and you deserve to be supported! I’m here if you ever need to talk ❤️
from illusionless :
Good for you! You can do it!
from naomibeth :
I just want to submit for your consideration, that you think about whether there is a correlation between getting drunk Thursday and having an emotional downturn on Saturday. I know that for me, it worked that way. I felt great when I was actually drunk, but then 2 days later, without fail, I wanted to kill everyone. Something about the way the brain metabolizes the chemicals over time. Just something to maybe consider. I'm rooting for you!
from loveherwell :
thank you! and i am hoping that whatever you choose (whatever the two of you choose) that it helps you return to a place of peace. i am sorry things are so difficult right now.
from jarofporter :
came here to say i wish i had something helpful to share, but i couldn't put it any better than swordfern has...
from swordfern :
I'm not a fan of diagnoses. To me, it's clear that past traumas are resurfacing; however, labelling yourself with a disorder seems harsh. I also don't think that your behaviour exists in a vacuum. You are part of a system: the relationship. Problems are never all one person's 'fault'. Him putting conditions ('your last chance') on his support for you is problematic, in my opinion. All this to say that I believe that you are capable of healing yourself. You are courageous to share all of the details with us here. You are self-aware and understand the impact that you have on other people. You want to do better. All of these are beautiful and powerful qualities. xoxo
from illusionless :
Keeping demons at bay is very difficult. Believe me, I did it for years and still do from time to time. The trick is to let them go out of your body slowly. Take one, focus on it, deal with it, let it go. Sometimes it likes to come back and taunt you, but ignore it and keep using your coping strategies. All this is where therapy comes in. It's not easy. I don't have BPD, but if you've checked out my diary I do have quite a few disorders to deal with myself, so I can relate to some of your struggles. This isn't a comparison contest. I just want you to know you are not alone. The journey will be extremely hard and set-backs will happen, but the important thing is to forgive yourself and keep trying and moving forward. I'm sure M will see that. You will get through this in time. You are stronger than you think!
from sparkle-pink :
Thanks! I thought to bring the list down to 3 things but never just 1... it's a great idea!
from jarofporter :
re:work, i've always been a believer in utilizing the experience you have in order to climb the ladder, so to speak. for example, barista, to manager, etc. then parlay that management experience into a different field that you might enjoy. just thinking out loud, based on your 'job board' post.
from swordfern :
laying there staring at the curtains. yes. i too have been there. it hurts my heart to think about it. xoxo
from swordfern :
I was just thinking about you. How are things going? We haven't heard from you in a week and wanted to check in with you. :)
from the-grey-one :
i got insane heartburn on prozac! i had to switch antidepressants even. could t handle it
from swordfern :
How are you doing? Thinking of you. xoxo
from swordfern :
Congrats on being offered the job! Really! I know it's not what you wanted wage/position-wise, but it's a start and it will get you connected to the community. Building momentum. I'd probably to think of it as volunteering moreso than a job. Hopefully the work environment is positive!
from sparkle-pink :
I'm on prozac too! I am fortunate to not experience any notable side effects. Although I am on 4 other medications so it's kind of hard to say what's what. Hopefully the prozac works for you. I think I went through around 15 different anti-depressant combos before we found one that works.
from the-grey-one :
i’ve been in much the same boat as you employment wise. i’m going for a part-time minimum wage interview myself and at this point will just have to be grateful if i get it, even though it’s like, dangit i thought i was past that. just wanted to say i feel ya, here’s hoping things can only get better
from aryssa90 :
I really appreciate your note. He is sporadically seeing a therapist but I don’t think he’s being very honest with him. I don’t know what to do to be there for him. I don’t really know that there’s anything I can do which is a really shitty feeling. And yes I’m SO excited for the Charles Manson exhibit. The golden state podcast was called “Man in the Window”. The narrators voice was kind of blah for me at first but the interviews etc. made up for it. I’m definitely checking out Casefile next! I hope you’re doing well 💜
from swordfern :
Moving to a new city and being unemployed was one of the darkest times in my life. I remember kneeling on the kitchen floor, crying, and praying for a god to let me die to take away the pain. it wasn't until I found purpose and connection to community that I saw any hope. Thinking of you a lot and hoping that you find a way out of this soon. xoxo
from aryssa90 :
I'm proud of you for reaching out for help <3
from jarofporter :
i'm glad you made that appointment.
from whystinger :
Interesting that you feel that no one listens to you, whereas I generally read more of your diary than the others here. Ironic!
from aryssa90 :
I remember you writing about M waiting to get back into school. It is def stressful, for us and for them. I just want to get it over with, either way. I'm glad the DR is moving closer to you. How do you feel recently? I hope you're feeling better <3
from aryssa90 :
Were you able to connect with a dr or anything? Making that call can be one of the hardest parts for sure! Tim took some time off because he got really depressed. His break lasted a bit longer than he anticipated hence the difficulties he’s been having with going back.
from whystinger :
Find a way to go to the doctor, it will help most likely. Some of what you are writing is reminding me of my ex, so you are suffering. The little girl may not have been intentionally rude - she is a child and sometimes come off as rude for no real reason, or she could have been tired.
from swordfern :
Sending compassion. You are brave for making this huge move and all of the associated changes. I hope that you can trust yourself. You are capable and caring and that town is lucky to have you. I wish that I were there to meet up with you for a coffee and a walk. xoxo
from whystinger :
Good explanation of BPD. I have heard it likened to "having no emotional skin where the person's emotions are raw and just like it you have no skin on an area of your body, it is hurt with the slightest of touch" or something like that. You do tend to be very hard on yourself. As far as exercise: yes. Do it and keep doing it in a regular basis (I need to get back to that). Jogging is good, but yoga is surprisingly good too. Have you sat down with a psychiatrist or therapist and got a good diagnosis? That is important and with BPD, it is recoverable, but it takes persistence and hard work. Remember that when you deal with a psychiatrist or therapist, you may have to go through several to find one that you click with. It took me three to find one that worked well with me. Check out some of the online resources, such as BPDcentral.com. BPD central is more for families of folks afflicted with BPD, but you may find some info there that is useable for you. There are co-occurring disorders, so a diagnosis is important and other disorders can mimic BPD. All these are treatable and if you get some help, you will feel better. My ex was possibly BPD, but it could also have been a combination of depression and anxiety that caused some problems or she could have had all three, but the BPD may have been really minor but brought out by the depression and anxiety. I hope you get help and feel better.
from whystinger :
Ha! That is the issue with me and dating: getting the ball rolling. That is what I am working on currently. I get side tracked with having to get yard work done or being out of town working, when I could be meeting people. I need to pick a dating app and try it..
from aryssa90 :
I’m thinking of you, you’re such an amazing and sweet person. I know you’ve been going through a lot and it can be so difficult to keep doing. Would you be able to reach out to your therapist from where you last lived or even talk to a doctor there? I’m here if you need to talk and there are people who care about you.
from jarofporter :
wish i could say something that would help, but i know better than most that words ring hollow when thoughts are darkest. i'll write you...
from loveherwell :
i know it feels empty to hear right now, let alone believe — but you will get through this. just from reading you for so long, you’re one of the strongest people i know. i am so sorry things are so difficult right now.
from jarofporter :
8+ years w/a psychiatrist after my divorce. he was great, but it got to the point where i knew what he would say to anything i talked about, so there's not much point in going after that. besides, now i'd have to pay cash for the 1st $1600 annually to see him (or anyone). that's ridiculous. thanks for the note/suggestion though! :-)
from swordfern :
<3
from raven72d :
Your 29 June 19 entry was lovely.
from loveherwell :
i'm thinking of you. i know it's hard to put into practice, but i wish we could all be a little kinder to ourselves.
from swordfern :
I've found the Holistic Psychologist on Instagram to have helpful tools for working through tough mental stuff. I know - Insta - but she takes a radical approach that makes a lot of sense to me. Don't mean to go directly to a fix - you have a lot going on at the moment, a lot of hard things. Thinking of you. Sending compassion.
from whystinger :
Don't fret if it turns out that you do have a mental illness. Get a proper diagnosis and a treatment plan going. One thing to be cognizant of is that at any given time, 20% of the population has a mental illness. As for the possiblility of you being BPD, all is not lost - Many folks affected with BPD have recovered. It does take hard work, but recovery is a big possibility. When I researched BPD about ten years ago, DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) was the treatment for BPD. It has been said that DBT is the way we all should be treating each other, it is something that I would jump at taking training for. Get a proper diagnosis and then research and work.
from aryssa90 :
You’re so close to moving!! Moving has always been stressful for me but once it’s over it’s nice to be in a new place. How are you feeling about that? Are you looking for therapists in your new area?
from whystinger :
Relationships are a ton of work and doing work in therapy can be exhausting. I really like your notes from couple's therapy. Some good information there and it brought back some memories. I am not familiar with the emotion wheel or the Now You See Me exercise but every situation, couple and therapist is different. this will pay off for you both, but if you work with this more and continue the couple's therapy, you may discover that some of the tools they teach you will be useable in other relationships. So cool, I am happy for you.
from whystinger :
Ok, I screwed up. My note was supposed to start with NO Judgement, not this judgement. Now I have to read my message again and look for more errors...
from whystinger :
This judgement. From todays entry (05/11/20190 I see something that I feel is you being too harsh on you. "I feel as if I deserve this." I don't think it is you deserving that, but it may be a consequence of communication issues and everyone has some type of issue hanging out there. I can related as I thought I was a good communicator with my ex-wife, but I learned the hard way that I wasn't a good communicator. It wasn't my fault, but it way the way life had trained me. You have mentioned a bit of your past and I can see how that could have stifled your communication. Perhaps you might talk to the therapist about this and it may help to talk to them alone to work on this, or you may even go to a different therapist to work on this. This would depend on your comfort with this and also if M were to work on his issues. There is positive here: "We chose to work through it all together." Why separate Ts? You may be working on issues as a couple and this may have applications in other areas of your life too. Every family, person, relationship has some form of dysfunction. How we deal with it makes the difference and you are showing that you want to do better. I applaud you for being open here - this tells me you aren't bullshitting yourself. All relationships take work, hard work and open relationships are much harder - that is why they aren't as common. Hey, did you ever get the second password that I emailed you? Ha, I'll bet my diary is boring now that I am divorced. Keep you chin up, things will get better and you will work your way through them.
from swordfern :
I am here for you. I know about being afraid to expose oneself. Email me at swordfen23@gmail.com and I will my best try to help. You deserve to be heard without judgement. Xoxo
from aryssa90 :
This is supposed to be a safe place for you to express yourself. Write whatever you need, you deserve a place to vent your emotions. I support you <3
from jarofporter :
sorry i'm slow - i don't understand.
from whystinger :
Several interesting entries by you... First, you don't suck, you just aren't communicating and you have mentioned why... something to work on (4/23 Entry). 04/24 entry - I understand the loss of words at Couple's Counseling. That used to happen to me with Honi. I was frequently at a loss for words because of the shit she would say - I would be shocked and other times, she would keep talking and I could not discuss those points. In my case, I think my therapist was "stacked against me." She was so dead set against divorce and it seems she is divorced now. In my case, she let Honi bullshit her. I am not saying that is happening in your case, just keep working on it. If they give you homework, do the homework. It will make a difference if you do the work. It won't be easy. If you come out of a session feeling really tired, it means you did some hard mental work.
from whystinger :
Sent in reply now... you should have it.
from whystinger :
So I guess the email I sent didn't go through... I'll log in to my email and check. Thx
from whystinger :
Let me know if you get the email...
from whystinger :
Drop me a line at whystinger"at"yahoo. I may not log in to email until the weekend.
from whystinger :
Maybe you should work on it with the therapist. Are you with M because you want to be or for him? The "I always saw M as being with someone more on his level" sort of puzzled me as I thought you were on his level or maybe a bit above, which is fine. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself?
from loveherwell :
you always leave the loveliest notes, and it is so clear to me that you have the most sincere, helping heart. i am having a lot of issue as well with the idea of value and what we offer the world and where that stands in relation to other people and experiences. but you are so, so, so valuable. you don't have to be a doctor to have worth. you have so much to give. and i hope talking it all through with the therapist soon really does help.
from jarofporter :
i've had the same type of feeling in the past - once they get to (x point), they can move on & i'll begin again. it was my way of taking care of them and getting them ready to tackle life on their own. probably doesn't apply to you, but if you'd like to discuss it a bit, feel free to email me. and thank you for your note, i appreciate it!
from swordfern :
I read this quote this morning and it resonated with me. And then I read your entry and it seemed apt: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” ― Helen Keller
from papotheclown :
I'd love for you to come visit! Hopefully I'll be able to make it up your way sometime soon as well.
from swordfern :
What is your new tattoo? I've wanted to comment a few times in the past week or so but haven't know what to say. Feeling discriminated based on skin colour, the horrifying mishap at the care home, therapy. Life's throwing a lot at you lately. Hope that you find time for some self-care.
from whystinger :
I am glad that you are working in therapy. Remember, all families have some sort of dysfunction. Nobody is immune to it, but some have more than others. I am sorry that you went through that but I am glad to see you working through therapy. You will know when you have done some work in therapy when you leave and are exhausted.
from aryssa90 :
I would also feel super bad but if they weren’t on the do not wander list then how are you supposed to effectively do your job? It’s not on you if you aren’t given the information. <3
from aryssa90 :
I hope couples counseling goes well! When Bill and I went it was super helpful but once we stopped things went downhill quickly.
from aryssa90 :
Caretaking can be so difficult. There are times when I’ve just been like “I can’t do this anymore I literally can’t” and there are days where I’m so overcome with love the idea of not being with that person is terrifying. I’m here if you need to chat. Take care of yourself 💜
from swordfern :
I'm in awe of the-grey-one's note below - it's true. You are not your diagnosis. Disliking your job has a big impact on your mental health. Depression is a natural reaction to feeling dissatisfied or disengaged from how you spend your working hours. Also, the fact that you are thinking about your attachment style and becoming self-aware is the first step on your path forward. A lot of people never take the time to consider the way that they move through the world emotionally. Sometimes I practice being vulnerable alone. I was out for a jog last night and stood in the middle of an empty playing field and said out loud, "I am lonely. I am lonely. I am lonely." When there is no fear of judgement, it is easier for me to open up, and the opening up becomes more comfortable as I become used to the emotions that follow. Sending empathy and compassion and strength.
from the-grey-one :
you know, you are so brave and not actually afraid to look at yourself. anxiety amplifies everything and i know it well.. because it sends those alarm signals to your brain does not mean the thoughts that accompany them hold more merit than the thoughts that can come from a more calm place of observation. you can label yourself as fearful-avoidant or you can see it as a tendency and not attach who *you* are to it. i have read you in situations that very fearful people would never enter into, and you did, and you flourished and you grew. nobody is a diagnosis, and nobody is any one trait. love yourself by recognizing that your faults are not the end all be all, they come and they go, they are not who you are. you are not the least of yourself but the most of yourself. and that was my preach of the day. : )
from sparkle-pink :
Thank you! Everything turned out perfect, like you said the stars aligned!
from loveherwell :
it is odd and disheartening the way people can act when they are behind the comfort of a screen. and i hope YOU are doing well, or, at the very least, are taking care of yourself (even though you deserve for someone to take care of you, for once).
from swordfern :
Mar-22: The tarot and setting boundaries. This seems to be the theme amongst my friends lately. Us all realizing at the same time that we have not been setting healthy boundaries for ourselves, and how this has led us to not be able to participate fully in relationships. So much of what you write resonates with me - leaving texts unread, the energy that came with the worm moon. Thank you for the apartment hope - I am going to have a pink bathtub on May 6th!! Keep writing - I enjoy every entry.
from swordfern :
It sounds like you're carrying a lot of the weight at home. I hope that you know that he is responsible for taking care of himself and that you do not need to do all of the caretaking. It seems that you are realizing that if he achieves this through your pep talks alone, and not by his own motivation, that you will need to continue the pep talks in order for him to believe in himself in the future. I have no answers, only that I see echos of myself in your acts of caretaking and that sometimes tough love is a deeply caring gift. I truly wish you both all of the best. I know depression and hopelessness, and it wears on both people in a relationship with equal ferocity.
from whystinger :
Work can be difficult to articulate at times. When I was in working in education, I got tired of the petty bullshit and couldn't wait until I got into industry where folks were more mature (or so I thought). I found things to be very similar with some differences. I didn't experience the back-stabbing and get-ahead-by-all-costs in education, but it was sure there in industry. People were more in it for themselves. You were also in the hospitality business, my time was more limited. I worked for a chef with a bad temper who would hurl plates at the floor when he was pissed. For some reason, he was easier to deal with than the back-stabbers and petty bullshit probably because I always knew where I stood with him...
from sparkle-pink :
I have! Managed to catch it in the theatre! Excellent film, up there with the best marvel films in my opinion. The animation especially was fantastic.
from the-grey-one :
for sure, email is lazi_(at)hotmail.com : )
from the-grey-one :
i’ve been reading you for a long time and i think you’re awesome and i wish this depression would leave you alone but i admire that you’re powering through it. it ain’t easy at all and yes, just, i’m rooting for you and look forward to when you get to feel yourself shining again. cuz you do shine. i can tell.
from raven72d :
Happy...post-winter?
from papotheclown :
I don't think going to yoga is supposed to add to your stress. I'd say go to the chill one.
from whystinger :
I absolutely hate when someone spells and/or pronounces my name wrong. I strive to make sure I am correct because my name has been butchered up my whole life. I feel ya!
from swordfern :
I don't know you well, but I wanted to reach out. I understand the feeling of hopelessness. Know that it's not true: you are far from a waste. I hope that things shift soon so that you can find a reason to continue to experience all of the joy and sorrow of being alive.
from whystinger :
$60 for therapy is a decent price. I got a "discounted rate" of $75 when I started it years ago and about three years ago, I "lost" the discount and I pay $100 per session and it is still a decent price. I think you could benefit from therapy, but realize it does take time. I am of the "Dr. Jenn Mann" school of thought that everyone should have a couple of years of weekly therapy. I get my therapy monthly over the past X number of years. I found it beneficial enough that I still go to therapy when needed. I probably missed it in one of your entries but I am not sure who B Diddy is. I hope you feel better soon.
from whystinger :
You are not dumb and you are not ignorant... Don't know why you wrote that, but I hope you are feeling better.
from loveherwell :
you're not dumb. from what i read, you are so empathetically aware of what's going on around you, of what people feel and need. just because people have different experiences doesn't make you less than, ever. you're wonderful.
from whystinger :
"When is he going to take care of himself..." that brought back some memories of my ex-wife. In my case, she would take care of herself when I wouldn't. Took me a while to learn and what I really learned was the she wanted me to take care of her. Not sure about M, but you will learn what you have to as things go by. The Super Bowl food sounds good!
from whystinger :
I think M missed a great opportunity...
from swordfern :
Thank you, friend. Thank you. Together we can overcome unimaginable traumas.
from illusionless :
I watch This is Us and I agree with you about it portraying mental health issues in a very real way along with other issues like racism and eating disorders. Hope you had a great holiday and new years. <3
from sparkle-pink :
RIGHT WITH THE WHEELS??? For ages I've been suffering carrying a heavy basket up and down stairs, streets parked far away from the laundromat and now I can show up all baller. Merry Christmas to you too! Hope you have a great holiday season <3
from aryssa90 :
thank you for your message. he's mostly okay. it's a frustrating situation. I'm sorry you're having issues at your job. I always have a hard time when I feel like I'm not good at what I'm doing. Have you thought about looking for a different position? You're an awesome person with a lot of talents. Take care of yourself and I hope you and M have a good time together!
from sparkle-pink :
ty ty!
from illusionless :
Yes, I grew up in the GTA. I've been in Ottawa for 9 years now. How about you?
from illusionless :
I do live there yes, but my family is in Newmarket, GTA area. My brother and his wife live in the town you do and I used to have a friend who lived there so I've visited on occasion. Sorry to hear you're so frustrated with your relationship. I hope things get better. I can tell how much you care about M by how you write.
from illusionless :
Raises Hand.
from loveherwell :
*raises hand* that used to drive me CRAZY about matt. simple things that i'd say over and over and that everyone knew about me, they just wouldn't ever register at all and he'd never remember them. ugh.
from sparkle-pink :
I also feel I should mention that I have lots of faults and things to work on still, I don't think I'm perfect, but in general the self-loathing is mostly gone.
from sparkle-pink :
Thank you for your kind words. Don't give up on therapy! Realizing I hate myself was the first step for me. My therapy has led me to a journey of self-discovery and realizations and now I think I'm pretty rad. One of the things my doc said that really made me think was he asked if he should hate himself. And I was all no way you are a good person and he was all if I shouldn't you shouldn't. On that note: I think you are totally awesome and shouldn't hate yourself! It's so hard to get past that, but I have faith that you will make it through.
from whystinger :
I actually didn't find a balance with my ex, I had to set a concrete boundary, which took a bit. It was a great learning experience for me. That is still an area where I will need to work on. Respect has to be earned, but there is a lot one can do to earn it and also command it. I don't think you intended to emasculate the bartender, but he sounds fragile or just a prick.
from whystinger :
I don't know if it applies in your case because I see you as a pretty strong person, I naturally assumed you commanded respect. My therapist (several actually) have made the statement "we generally teach people how to treat us..." My problem with this was more of my ex-wife and certain people at work where I couldn't push back. That was a thing I was working on - setting boundaries with certain people. I have set that boundary in concrete with my ex-wife and it has changed that relationship. Cheers
from aryssa90 :
Thank you for all your support! I really do appreciate it! How was it opening by yourself again? I’m glad you were able to talk with M and discuss how you were feeling about the open relationship. It’s also great that y’all have a plan for being able to see eachother. How long until he’s done with waiting to be matched for a residency and how long is a residency? I’m woefully ignorant about those sorts of things.
from sparkle-pink :
yesssss another kindred spirit. everyone gets pissed when I tell them I hate it haha.
from aryssa90 :
I think I want things with Tim to work out and like, see the relationship go on as much as it will. I think we could be a forever thing but it’s only been (almost) 4 months. But then I think “what if I just think I want Tim, choose him and everything fall as apart and I was better off being with Bill”. Bill is a safe choice, we love eachother. Safe isn’t always right but it isn’t always wrong either ya know? I just wish I k ew which choice was right. I sound so whiny and repetitive, I’m sorry!
from aryssa90 :
<3 thanks for the lovey note and the insta add. I wish I could speed up time or at least just know that things are going to turn out the way I want them to.
from manvsdevil :
right outta left field haha, it's a work in progress, I'll get back to you ;) :p
from loveherwell :
happy, happy, happy birthday!
from manvsdevil :
ahh lushy, go with your gut and stop thinking too much, remember to ground yourself in the here and now, remember?
from aryssa90 :
Happy belated birthday. I relate so much to you in this entry. It’s really hard to be selfish and when you start doing it, it’s a struggle not to feel guilty (for me at least). That’s kind of where I am, feeling guilty a lot of the times. It’s also so, so hard when you’re a caretaker in a relationship. Our situations are different and everyone’s relationship is unique but I know for me that it completely changed my relationship and eventually how we love eachother. Like you, I feel like I take care of Bill but no one takes care of me. It can be a very lonely feeling. Believe what Nidaa said though, it’s all true, you’re an amazing person.
from sparkle-pink :
I've never seen gas this high. It's weird, over here gas is more expensive in the day. I saw 168 the other day. Ridiculous.
from aryssa90 :
The sticker story was so cute. It was a really heartfelt idea and probably meant so much to him. Thank you for reminding me that not everyone sucks! I’m sorry Nidaa didn’t get back to you, that must be frustrating, along with the situation with Camille. It’s so hard to see how people’s choices impact their kiddos, especially when it’s family.
from sparkle-pink :
He's fine! Well, not 100%, just has a really bad cold. But you know me and my anxiety. The worst is always coming...
from aryssa90 :
So so happy you and Jess got to meet! I’m hoping I’ll make it out there one day! Also, congrats on two years with you and M! That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you :)
from papotheclown :
I love when D-landers get to meet in person. I'm glad you had a good time.
from sparkle-pink :
Thanks for all the kind words!!!! I am so glad we were able to meet. Had an awesome time and am looking forward to the next time we can hang out. <3
from jarofporter :
be patient with yourself...
from aryssa90 :
Thanks for your sweet message! And you are not a cunt. We all have our bad moments or days. Stay kind to yourself <3
from aryssa90 :
Hey! UN: beatrix PW: kiddo123
from naomibeth :
Awwwww. So sweet. Ya'll are great.
from aryssa90 :
This made me so happy for you. You deserve this love!
from aryssa90 :
I’m kind of struggling with all the things happening right now, most of them are good. I’m really excited about training and I’m really excited to hear how M reacts to your surprise visit!! I hope things at the H start getting better or that you’re able to find something that makes you happier. There are few things worse than working at a place that makes you miserable and you deserve to be happy! I hope you’re having anamazing time and are able to connect with that old friend!
from whystinger :
Congrats on the multiple jobs - that does sound tough. As far as therapists, go, you have to find one you like and can work with. A good one will hold you accountable and make you uncomfortable, ask those uncomfortable questions. I love my current therapist, but we have been together too long, soon I should look for a new one. Should is the key... This will sound weird, but in a way, I am glad that some Yoga poses bother you. Lately a few have caused me some pain and I have concluded (in my case) the poses are working muscles that I haven't really worked in a long time. Definitely modify...
from jarofporter :
people only change if they want to, and it's *really* important to them. otherwise, it's SSDD.
from sparkle-pink :
i totally used the money cheat too. building and designing houses was my favourite part of the game!
from sparkle-pink :
omg the sims. i was way into the 1st gen, had all of the expansion packs and everything. Then I kinda fell out of it. My sis Laura is huge into the sims 3. She doesn't have a good enough computer to play it on tho. Her primary goal in life is to have a nice enough computer to run the sims 3 on the highest settings.
from loveherwell :
i think the idea of having a purpose is very, very fluid. maybe you're meant to flow from one thing to another. maybe you will find something that fulfills you. but growing up with this idea that everyone has a set purpose that they just have to find... the older i get, the less it makes sense to me.
from loveherwell :
isn't it absolutely amazing?!?!
from aryssa90 :
I love GLOW. Growing up, I was kind of super into wrestling haha I even wanted to be a wrestler. I read the biography for Joanie Laurer aka Chyna who was like, one of the only real female wrestlers I saw on WWF. I thought she was so badass, I didn’t even know about the real GLOW. It ended the year I was born though so, makes sense. I think it’s a super empowering show that tackles so many issues. I’ve really enjoyed the character development this season! Regarding living together, that will be an adjustment but you seem really good at voicing yourself and asserting your needs. I’ve never lived alone and have always wanted to try it. I tell Bill that my ideal living situation is somewhere on the same property but in different houses, maybe with some sort of Hallway connection lol
from aryssa90 :
I somehow missed that you and M are moving in together! I'm glad you got to spend some time with your mom and that the outing with M was positive for you. Also, what do you think of GLOW? I just finished the second season.
from sparkle-pink :
YES. I would love to meet up!
from aryssa90 :
Hello! I've been a bad diaryland friend, I keep meaning to write you a note then get overwhelmed with the 10 other things going on and forget. I'm always here if you need to talk. I just wanted to let you know that from what you've written and from our conversations, you're an amazing person. I know life is shitty at times and I also know you're a strong person and can kick life's ass. I'm thinking about you.
from sparkle-pink :
Yeah it's difficult to start these sorts of things. For me, I hit rock bottom and reached out to a good friend. He made me call a crisis line and they put me in touch with counsellors, which were extremely helpful. I knew I needed help, but I didn't know how to get it, or even if I truly needed it. Calling a crisis line sounds cheesy and overdramatic, but they are useful. I never called because while I was struggling, I thought hey, I'm not in a crisis don't waste their time. But they are there to listen and they do help a lot. ANYWAY. Take care and if you ever have any questions I am glad to help!
from sparkle-pink :
I spent 24 years of my life in the same state as you. Wondering what is the point, not caring if I live, but still functioning. It's how I slipped by for so long, no one noticed. Not saying you need to check into a psych ward or go on a million medications, but if you WANT to, I highly recommend seeing a therapist/counsellor.
from jarofporter :
never feel like you have to do something because of/for someone else. if it feels right for you, talk to someone; if not, don't. the thing people don't realize is that, for people like us with depression, the idea of not being bothered about whether we live or die isn't dire. it's kind of like, "i wonder if it'll be cloudy or sunny today?". no biggie, ya know? try to admit that to others & they panic though, acting like we've lost our minds & must be committed right now for our own safety! it's really tiresome. anyway, i've been dealing w/this since i was little (8-10yrs) so if you have any questions, hmu, ok? :-)
from aryssa90 :
I’m not saying I’m a perfect friend by any means of course, but yeah it just feels like many of my friends are lacking follow through. I don’t want to be intrusive or clingy but it kind of hurts when I see them doing fun things with other people and then when we see each other it’s mostly them just complaining about their life, or not complaining but venting. I want to be a supportive friend and I do listen but I’d like to be involved in the other stuff too. It’s draining. And also, sometimes their lack of follow through happens last minute so I can’t wven try to arrange it with someone else. It’s just draining and a bit disheartening. It’s also hard for me to make friends as an adult. I’m not in a traditional job setting, I’m not in school. Being an adult is so weird. I hope everything is going well with you and with your move! That’s exciting :) and I’m very thankful for your note. I’m sorry it took me a bit to respond!
from whystinger :
Remember. Definitely. While that would be difficult for me, you two can definitely handle it and I think it is worth it for you two to keep on keeping on.
from loveherwell :
also, i'm sending you good vibes for finding a new job and all of your moving that's coming up <3
from loveherwell :
it really is!!
from aryssa90 :
You ARE smart
from jarofporter :
yeah, people kinda suck. any time i make plans, i make them for myself, fully expecting others to bail - if they don't, it's a bonus.
from sparkle-pink :
lol ty!! i have a special place in my heart for terrible music and movies
from aryssa90 :
Oh that’s so creepy about your neighbor! I would feel scared too! I hope things work out and you’re able to be in London soon! That’s also super shitty of your boss. I’ve had some bosses who, once I put my notice in turned into a bunch of jerks. It’s ridiculous, people move on with their lives you know? I’ve always tried to be nice and happy (even if I was disappointed) when my employees put their notice in.
from aryssa90 :
I would love to be an asshole with you lol. Bills depression is managed fairly well with medication but his insurance has been so crazy lately it’s messed him up a few times. The first time he didn’t tell me for 3 weeks he was out and it was horrible. This time it’s been a little less than a week and it’s getting rough again. It’s hard seeing it because there’s not really anything I can do and then it’s frustrating because like, life doesn’t stop because you’re mentally ill, but I know that’s a selfish mindset and I try to keep that mostly internal. I have such bad anxiety though that when he’s like this it makes me almost like...itchy and uncomfortable to be around him. I totally feel you and feeli like you should be more supportive because I always feel that way and also on not really having anyone to talk to about it! I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this though!
from alethia :
Come to Vancouver! There's a few of us D-lander's out here.
from aryssa90 :
Thank you for your lovely note! I definitely hope I’m able to stick with all that. I totally feel you on the nomadic lifestyle thing. Is really love to live in a tiny house or a camper or something so I can travel around. With Bill’s health issues I’m not really able to seriously consider that and also, with the field I’ve chosen. I do hope one day to own a VW bus that I convert to a little camper. I’d love to spend some vacation time using that to travel around in! I hope one day you get to realize parts of your dream :)
from manvsdevil :
"find the beauty in the beat." Classic Dezzo. *awesome*
from jarofporter :
wow, sorry to hear it, i know that's gotta be tough. hang in there...
from aryssa90 :
It's funny, we've had kind of the opposite experience. I started things off thinking I was just open but now I do think that I'm poly. But it's hard for me to really ascertain that because Bill doesn't meet people, so I don't know how I would feel about my partner doing things. I really wish he would so that I could figure things out but that's highly unlikely to happen. I hope things go well with you and L. I definitely admire your honesty with people!
from papotheclown :
I have good feelings for you and your future. Keep following your heart.
from aryssa90 :
I'm hoping he does. He seems like a really cool guy, just sort of missing that spark right now. I hope you're having a great time with M :) What are your feelings so far on non-monogamy? I've been sort of evaluating my own feelings on it recently.
from jarofporter :
sorry, mistake in my formula example - should be IF(('Sheet 2'!B17>Sheet1!E12),0,1)
from jarofporter :
to reference a cell on another worksheet, it's simply the name of the worksheet followed by an exclamation point, so; =sheet2!D4, if you're in a cell on sheet1. depending on how new your excel is, it might require single quotes around it (especially if there are spaces in the sheet name), like; ='sheet 2'!D4... example: =IF(('Sheet '2!B17>Sheet1!E12),0,1) not sure if that helps, but hope it does a little. i can elaborate, if you like :-)
from jarofporter :
wait, are we talking formulas, or VBA code? i don't recall using "or" or "and" in cell formulas, you just nest the if statements. VBA code is another thing.
from jarofporter :
nested if statements are best built from the inside out. i'll see if i can put an example together for you, once you understand, it's pretty straight-forward (aside from assuring your syntax is correct).
from jarofporter :
hey, i happen to know excel quite well, if you need some help. both cell formulas, and VBA code, been using it for years.
from whystinger :
Eating friend chicken and bags of chips, lol comfort food for sure! Relax, you probably needed a break and you will be over it in a short while. As for hospitality, I can see you using the hospitality industry for a while to help you meet your goals while you plan and execute your escape from it. You are good in hospitality, so use it as a tool to help you move on. Beware, I wanted to get out of an old job due to one particular responsibility and I did leave, only to be pushed back into that one aspect of the old job due to the company filing bankruptcy. While I hated that one aspect (function of customer service) I found that I was very good at it and when I was pushed back into it, I thrived and it was unbelievable. Again, I moved on after a few years and things worked out for me.
from whystinger :
Awesome quote that your read, about doing the work it takes to love somebody. Quite true. True intimacy is where we take the risk to show our flaws and our partner loves us even though we have those flaws. Everyone has flaws of some sort. We all want to be loved and accepted for our flaws and it takes some courage to be intimate enough with someone to risk this... Hope this makes sense. I am not surprised that this resonated with you. The other thing we want is to be accepted for who we are, flaws and all, without being asked to change. This is one of the things you were concerned about over the last few months. Awesome that you saw that quote and reacted to it.
from sparkle-pink :
Thanks for the tips!! I will definitely be at the dueling piano bar. That's one of my favourite things to do!
from aryssa90 :
Happy belated birthday!!!!
from sparkle-pink :
Oh and ty so much for asking your crew about Nola!! I wanna make the most of my trip.
from sparkle-pink :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. And congrats to M for going back to school!!!!!
from whystinger :
Sometimes we all really need an orgasm or a few. Amazing how that can help at times.
from jarofporter :
just some top-of-my-head thoughts, but the feelings you're having may have less to do with his being with other people, but moreso the inequity between you two, since you're not seeing anyone else. I've seen it happen with others. again, just thoughts, not saying it's true. question: if you had someone else (or maybe a couple people), do you think it would upset you as much?
from sparkle-pink :
aw thanks!!! I really look forward to your entries too <3
from beyourself- :
just stumbled upon your diary. i had an iud inserted as well and i love it. i bled for two weeks straight (spotting only) and eventually it leveled out and i haven't had any bleeding for 2+ years.
from naomibeth :
I ended up loving my IUD eventually, but I bled for 12 straight days after they put it in. Good luck.
from whystinger :
Evidently Andrew is modernizing Diaryland to fit mobile devices. He is interested in knowing what bugs need to be fixed. I am hoping that he spruces up the dairyland site.
from sparkle-pink :
don't worry about some pages being 'new' and some 'old' I read in a sidebar somewhere that the site is gradually being converted to the new look page by page to check for bugs!
from jarofporter :
re:9/30 entry, I have the same issue, but no one to text; I feel ya...
from whystinger :
Exercise is great, but does take a while. Keep going and happy for you on the new wardrobe. Cheers.
from raven72d :
Glad you're still writing here.
from whystinger :
Interesting entry. I don't know what to say and can't really focus my thoughts. Is this working for you or not? First I think no, then I think yes, but only you can answer that for yourself.
from jarofporter :
If it's not working for you anymore, you just need to be honest about it. On the other hand, a little patience while adapting to a new 'normal' with him is good too.
from sparkle-pink :
Thank you so much!!
from jarofporter :
well, any time you're able to stop out here, we'll head to bell's. wish i could make it out your way, maybe in a month or so? will have to see how the new bills are going...
from jarofporter :
maybe just find a career that you don't mind/doesn't suck, and earn enough money to enable you to do the things that *do* interest you, or that you find meaningful.
from sparkle-pink :
good job scoring all A's in your classes!
from whystinger :
Awesome!
from whystinger :
Manipulative. Ugh. Suggestion: you have been at the job for a month and taking time can cause employment issues. Could it be a help to say "I cannot go now, but can we plan a trip to REI for (insert date)?
from naomibeth :
Yay for finally getting the words out. Bonus points for reciprocation. Double-extra bonus points for him saying it first!
from whystinger :
By the way, I am glad he was on an endorphin high from biking and such. That is understandable.
from whystinger :
I am happy for you. You have both opened up and said the I-L-Y. This is good.
from eloira :
Ahh, I love this latest entry! I can relate, and it's a special thing to find! Belle Isle sounds lovely too :)
from jarofporter :
http://www.lipstickalley.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=351491&stc=1&d=1482307803
from whystinger :
With M, watch for roller coaster rides and patterns. Eyes as big as saucers, loud... looks for highs and lows a bit beyond normal. Maybe I am overcautious... I probably am.
from jarofporter :
I've been diggin' on this concept recently, let me know what you think of it!? https://simplelifesimpleyou.com/2016/12/01/hygge-lifestyle/
from sparkle-pink :
Thank you for your kind words! It's hard for me to see long term and know that, hey, I will learn and be good at my job. You are right, I will get this!
from jarofporter :
yeah, pretty excited - been a long time looking! hope your new job starts going more smoothly, elders can be difficult to work with because they don't always have patience. let me know when school is done/your schedule is a bit more free, we need to hang out again!
from whystinger :
From your 06/29/2017 entry - I don't think it is the validation you are seeking with touch. I think your guards are lowering a bit and you are comfortable with more affectionate touch, which is different than sex at times. I recently experienced this when someone grabbed my hand a few times and also gave me a hug and kissed my cheek. I felt some affection and really enjoyed it, even thought I didn't know this person well. Why? In my case, I haven't had any regular human touch except from medical professionals and massage therapists. This gal just hugged me and it felt pretty nice and made me realize that I was missing that "affectionate touching" from my marriage more than six months before I asked for the divorce. Wanting some touch is normal. Let him know you enjoy it.
from papotheclown :
You are awfully sweet. Thank you. I enjoy peeking into your brain as well
from sparkle-pink :
Thanks!!! It was fun and you're right- because I'm new people are very forgiving, customers and other employees! I worry about annoying my coworkers with endless stupid questions, but they are all no way questions rule. I made a few drinks here and there for customers and they all said they were delicious! I think this will be a fun job.
from whystinger :
I understand and can relate to your 06/18/2017 post. I am comfortable with my own company, but I do enjoy being around people and wish I had some friends in my area. Being on the road all the time for work makes that difficult, but I am working on meeting people.
from whystinger :
Loving and being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness can be a real challenge and can be difficult. They face big challenges and must take good care of themselves, not stray from their meds. The meds sometimes screw with their sex drives... Sometimes you will get into arguments or such and they will remember the whole thing differently than you remember. This is when their mental illness is acting up. On the other hand, if they take good care of themselves, they can lead a full, productive and rewarding life.
from atwowaydream :
What I love about you is that you take every little broken thing and make it a mural. And yes, I'd say that a lot of people spend their lives making other people happy and oh, how it drains them.
from jarofporter :
there are times when texting/replying is entirely too much effort/responsibility. ask me how i know.
from sparkle-pink :
I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. I lost my aunt to suicide about 5 years ago. I miss her every day. You are right about the stigma around mental illness. It's what took me so long to find help myself. I was worried people would think I was doing it for attention, or that I was being pessimistic and lazy. Thank you for putting yourself out there as a support.
from jarofporter :
honestly, i don't think that's been hidden from anyone who actually reads your entries; i've known it for a while now! ;-)
from whystinger :
As you know, I haven't been around here much and I was furiously reading a few entries from a few folks, skipping around. I came across what you wrote: "Drunk Dezzo is a God damned hot mess..." and I know when I see you write Dezzo, I know it's going to be something interesting. I read the next paragraph and I see "the awkward parton..." and I think "read this when you haven't been drinking and burned our from the road... I decided to come back to this when I haven't been swallowing down a few strong bloody Marys... Now I can't remember exactly what I was thinking but at the time I was expecting something. The reality was probably "Uh-oh, Dezzo's been drinking and I'm drinking now, so this will be epic.
from whystinger :
Ooooooooohhhh!
from jarofporter :
http://www.omglmaowtf.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/I-Only-Drink-a-Little-But-When-I-Do-I-Turn-Into-Another-Person-and-That-Person-Drinks-a-Lot-750x1000.jpg
from sparkle-pink :
Omg! Too cool! I'm in Vancouver, have been here for 11 years. Before that I was in Victoria, for 2 years. And I grew up in Sherwood Park (basically Edmonton). I moved out west to go to school. It's tough here sometimes with all the rain, but I like it. My lil sis (Brux/Laura) lives in Barrie! I've been to Toronto once, it was pretty cool, lots of good food!
from sparkle-pink :
heya! username sparklepink password envelope :)
from naomibeth :
I'm in Dallas, TX. We have a really thriving rope community here. Pretty frequent play parties and great learning opportunities.
from whystinger :
You are right - grooming can be a very touchy subject and it can be subjective was well as personal. I love your statement: "Too many people are ruled by what society dictates to be acceptable." I agree and find some of what is acceptable to be pretty annoying and bad. The latest trend (of a few years now) is for both sexes to remove all body hair except head and face. People put under pressure to get rid of what is natural for them, taught to be ashamed by their bodies? I am not down with that. If someone genuinely wants to remove all their body hair, I am good with it, but it should be their choice and not pressure put on by advertising and people. It is going to make the world a more boring place.
from whystinger :
To be honest with you, I love vulvas and dislike Volvos. I should probably keep my mouth shut (because it may be TMI), but I feel like sharing. I also did not know exactly the good Doctor asked for, so another reason for me to MYOB. I have performed a bit of manscaping to make things better for my lovers in the past. Mostly to get some of the hair off the shaft if it interfered with my lover and what she wanted to accomplish on me orally. I have asked a lover or two to do a bit of trimming, but that was mainly for me to perform cunnilingus easier. That started with one lover who loved getting cunnilingus performed and made the comment "gee, you are spending a lot of time moving hair out of the way, do I need to trim a bit?" I did NOT ask her to shave, but to trim a bit, which she handed me scissors and after two small snips (very careful) moved a few pieces of stray hair so I could spend more time there (we both trimmed for each other). As far as looking at vulvas, I do find them beautiful, interesting and exciting. IF she wants to keep her hair down there, I have no problem with it at all. If she wants to shave, I am ok with it, but really like hair there. That is probably old school, but who cares, I like it.
from whystinger :
I have been feeling a bit lonely lately too, so I sort of understand. I also feel bad because I have just lay around the last two days and that adds to the not so good feelings. I do feel that I needed to get some R&R, so I am allowing myself to do not so much.
from jimbostaxi :
Happy Easter! :0)
from papotheclown :
I am so fucking happy for you and your awesome Sunday. What a great moment; what a great feeling.
from bantenhut :
Yesss, do it! Fuck the system. I like your style. :)
from whystinger :
I have a feeling that Jay, if he reads and pays attention, may actually learn something. Write some of what I have read in your diary and you may change his opinion. This is one of your passions.
from the-grey-one :
Here's to getting home safe!
from whystinger :
I have to agree with Jarofporter. I am sorry that you had to experience that.
from jarofporter :
most white men are completely worthless when it comes to anything related to "race" relations. (race in quotes because there is only one race). I'm sorry you went through that. Sometimes it's best to just leave when their ignorance shows, and it becomes obvious they won't be changing their minds. People like that aren't worth the time.
from manvsdevil :
Dark Monks - Insane (nice edm track) bust some moves lushy ;)
from naomibeth :
Yep. What they said.
from jimbostaxi :
You can and will do better because your awesome don't let anyone bring you down! :0)
from jarofporter :
glad you got to hang out with some friends. deleting is def the way to go, because, who needs it? also glad you contacted the doctor - he really seemed like a guy who could communicate.
from eloira :
Big hugs xxx
from catsoul :
hi. Maybe this is for the best. I somewhat agree with the note to you from jarofporter. It hurts. Take care of yourself. =^..^=
from jarofporter :
don't be mad at me for this, but i really feel like he's manipulated you into this decision through emotional blackmail. combined with trying to control who you talk with about him, i've just got a really odd feeling about this guy. please be careful, and aware, and definitely talk to your close friends, if not us, about him. you need the detached view others can offer.
from whystinger :
I hope all is well, I have been on the road for a week and will be next week, so I have not kept up. Regarding my note, the bad sign would be if he was self-adjusting certain medicines on his own, like if he was suffering a mental illness. Those are so difficult to self adjust and so many "self adjust" and this keeps them ill. Now (for example) if he was adjusting some other med, like diabetes and was monitoring his blood sugar while doing it, then it would be fine. We all have a tendency to under medicate when brain issues are involved. My Ex would do that. Her logic (common for people) "If I can survive on less of the medicine, it means I am not as ill, right?" The danger of under-medicating for brain illnesses, it it allows the neurological pathways (of the problem) to deepen and can cause more long term damage. This is simplified a bit becuase I need to get to work. Again, hope all is well
from aryssa90 :
Sending positive thoughts your way. I completely understand just writing something down, even if it isn't anything of much substance. Hope all is well.
from whystinger :
I've been mulling over whether or not to say anything. Doctor changed his meds because he was on a funk? That may not be a good sign, even thought things were going well with him. What are these meds for? He changed them himself, which means he stopped taking them, started taking them again or changed his dosage. This could be a bad sign, in a way I am glad that you may be winding this one down.
from manvsdevil :
Thanks for the note, overwhelming - but that was your point right? That's how you felt and I'm glad you were able to share with me. Ya know maybe you really should give booze a break for like maybe 4 - 6 weeks or so. One part of being infj is reserving core energy and there's a level where psychoactives bring well not just infj's but anyone below their base line of normal. Seriously don't be so hard on yourself, you just moved to a new place and you're prolly taking too much on board at once, which is only draining you faster. Like take it easy, stay off your phone :p Thanks for the link, it's quite interesting and I've found myself actually already putting into practice some of the things mentioned there. I mean we're infj's and we'll eventually figure ourselves out. Albeit it has taken me 38 years, armed with that information you'll be in a better state sooner. Take care lushy - to your happiness! :)
from eloira :
No idea - it could mean anything at the moment! Until it happens we have no clue... I agree with the others in that this is a place to vent, anonymously should you wish, anything that needs to be let out of your system... Sure, a journal is similar but it is sometimes reassuring to have another person let you know that they're on the same page too x
from eloira :
No idea - it could mean anything at the moment! Until it happens we have no clue... I agree with the others in that this is a place to vent, anonymously should you wish, anything that needs to be let out of your system... Sure, a journal is similar but it is sometimes reassuring to have another person let you know that they're on the same page too x
from jarofporter :
have to say, not crazy about him not wanting you to write in here. the entire reason for an online journal is both to get it out, and to get thoughts from others who are less attached to the situation. unless some of the people who read you also know him personally, in which case, i could understand. still feels controlling to me...
from whystinger :
You are being a bit hard on yourself. You did just move and that really takes a long while to adjust - I know because I am still going through it. You are doing a bit more than I am to meet people. You also have a lot going on.
from manvsdevil :
Well if you don't like driving, no point, true true. Embrace yourself, embrace being an infj, sure it might feel lonely but that's the only way to conserve your energy and avoid feeling 'drained' by people by trying to 'fit' in and be 'normal' and the subsequent beating yourself up over it. Don't get me wrong I like to socialize but rarely and I do have friends but I can count their number on one hand. You're still getting to know yourself maybe? Take it easy ;)
from eloira :
Your last sentence is how I've been my entire week off, so know how that feels... Hoping the cold doesn't get too much worse for you! Never worry too much about feeling awkward either - you'll know when it's right and when it's not. Hugs x
from jarofporter :
sent you an email :-)
from manvsdevil :
Yo Lusty, been a while eh? Have you ever considered driving a bus? Just saying being a fellow infj'er it's good 'cause you get some interaction with people but you can keep it as minimal or maximal as you want and well driving buses is fun too but also a grind like any other job, give it a thought...
from whystinger :
Dating and relationships are a lot of work!
from whystinger :
I wrote a long note, then deleted it before I posted it here. Don't beat yourself up for being a sexual person. There was a time when I would have been perfectly happy with a relationship as you describe. Perhaps I could even handle the poly thing. I did have a relationship similar (not poly) where we spent a lot of time having sex. I knew I was just a distraction for her, but all the sex had me falling in love with her. What was it the therapist told me? "Women (generally) need to feel loved in order to desire sex and men need sex in order to feel loved." Please don't be so rough on yourself. I wonder if he is trying to adjust and not fall in love, or does he just feel guilty for having a lot of sex? He may have had a relationship with a ton of sex that failed and he is thinking it was all the sex. Hard to say what it is but stay true to yourself and don't fret.
from whystinger :
It definitely sounds like something good (your entry for 01/09/2016) and the walls are coming down, but slowly. Nothing is wrong with slowly. no true friends? They each of you needs to make sure you begin to make friends. That was a big mistake my ex made. She would not really make friends and sort of ran mine off. If he is here to help his Dad, he may not make friends, so he may need to be encouraged. I am happy for you.
from whystinger :
Interesting update. I think what you wrote is straight forward and I think I understand what you are getting at - I think it is the right size but it may need to have more added. I am tired and I have rewritten this five times now and may erase and write over or erase and try tomorrow. The conversation you discuss sounds uncomfortable, but necessary. In a way I would like to have that conversation with you to see how I react, so I learn about myself, but it is scary in a way. Yes, I was amazed by the prejudices a Bangladeshi man I work with had against some Indian people. I think it good that you educate others, because we really need to get rid of hate and that takes a lot of uncomfortable conversations. I may add more later when my eyes aren't so sore. I can't think, so I hope this make some sense.
from jarofporter :
i like it, it communicates your thoughts very well, but it seems a bit long - many people have very short attention span... oooh, squirrel!
from whystinger :
"Stopped at a highway sex shop." That must have been interesting. I have passed many of these shops over the years and a few have been really creepy - no windows, no cars in the parking lot and one wonders. If I had someone with me, I may have stopped too.
from whystinger :
Happy new year. Hope you feel better.
from whystinger :
I had/have no problems with period sex. Indeed, a few of the women I dated told me that period sex really helped relieve period cramps and I had no problems with it. After all, messy sex is usually better and we have this thing called showers... I have a friend who is totally freaked out by period sex, yet he claims to love anal. I find that very puzzling. Then again, he may just be lying really doing anal. I applaud you for being very open and honest about Doctor with Jaz and I hope he appreciates it. Being open and honest really can make a huge difference in a relationship. I can understand his feelings about Doctor and possibly jealousy and you should be relieved that he is open about telling you about the potential for jealousy, as it sucks if someone tells you they don't mind" but they really do mind and then bitch to you about it after you have thought they were cool with it. I hope he can work through the jealousy and share. I have been both the jealous one and the one who is not jealous and I prefer not being jealous. Sometimes it has to do with insecurities and other times, it is just stupid fears. The words of an old college friend ring in my ears. I asked him "I can't believe that you are okay with Irene dating other guys." His response was simple: I don't posses her and I am just happy that she will spend some time with me. Maybe it will grow to more and maybe it won't, but I will be richer for the experience of spending some time with her." I lost contact with him until recentlly. I was amused to see that he and Irene have been married for twenty years now... I hope it works out for you. I sense that you are happier lately.
from papotheclown :
1. I think a sexy period photo shoot is also a great idea. 2. Being poly is tough, but good on you for being so open and clear and mindful of everyone's feelings (especially your own). Good luck
from jarofporter :
Well, i guess for me, "casual" is defined as being with anyone in whom I don't see any long-term future. If I could see dating someone only for a year or two at most, I generally won't even bother, because, why get attached when you know it's going to end soon enough? Maybe I'm just a pessimist though?
from whystinger :
I think it is great that you speak up - that is how so many learn things are improper. I try to speak up when I can and it is not always easy.
from jarofporter :
'depleted'... one of the main reasons i'm not terribly into casual sex. it tends to either be a solely selfish act, or it ends up depleting you energetically. i guess what i'm saying is, i understand.
from whystinger :
I think it is awesome that you made a new friend and had to school him a bit. That was probably part of his anxiety and such. Not a lot of folks have the courage to mention if a joke or statement is improper or racist. I have a feeling he may not be a quick with that watermelon statement again. Crap like that continues and seems to elevate when tolerated or if someone remains silent. Someone says "that is not appropriate" and that can make a different in many lives.
from jarofporter :
Hi! Got your emails, will reply this weekend. Sorry for taking so long...
from bantenhut :
Oops, I posted this on my wall instead of yours! Anyway -- you're an INFJ! How awesome! I'm either INFJ or INFP, I'm not really sure. Congrats on all of your suitors! :) They seem great. Watch out for a 16 year age difference, it may seem greater later on down the line. It's neat though, that you came home feeling energized after talking to him, instead of the opposite. For an introvert, that's saying something. Cheers!
from bantenhut :
Thank you so much, dear! That was such a nice note, thank you kindly for the good vibes! :D
from papotheclown :
If you have sent an email, I did not get it. If you have not yet sent an email, then I will go back to pretending like I am cool and detached and not at all eagerly waiting to read it.
from naomibeth :
You are welcome to use the one I made for dangerspouse. UserID is dangerspouse Password is password
from naomibeth :
New follower here. I love reading your stuff. Thank you for being brave enough to share.
from eloira :
You're so right, you ARE worthy! You're amazing! I love the sense of feeling I got from that picture you posted up earlier too, something felt 'right'. Hard to explain... Still, if you can let it all sink in and kick in and continue to grow, so much more awaits x
from papotheclown :
Then it's settled then. I will sadly probably not be able to play at any dungeons (or much at all) until after I graduate in three weeks. That's when the hedonism will truly begin. I'll most likely hit you up for advice when it happens, because I've never actually been to anything like that before. Oh, and should you ever want to talk outside of the confines of this tiny white box, my email is thedreadpoetryan@gmail.com.
from eloira :
It had come up in conversation :) You'd better do - I love hearing about a world I have no access to here! I hope it brings all you all that you hope it will. As for scars, I know what you mean. Even a scratch will stay on me for years... Each tells a story though.
from eloira :
Oh wow, I'm glad you've opted to do it - you've mentioned the pose for so long! I will be thinking of you and sending peaceful thoughts your way. Enjoy it! x
from papotheclown :
I very much wish we were friends
from jarofporter :
*sigh*
from jarofporter :
thanks for the suggestions, but those fall under choice #1. i can't even explain it at this point, don't have the energy to...
from movingsands :
you're awesome!
from papotheclown :
Thank you for the offer (both in note and actual diary form). An escape to Canada sounds particularly tempting right now. Also, just for the sake of pointing it out, I have a very luscious beard.
from papotheclown :
You are quite relatable yourself. I get a good deal out of reading your life. And thank you for the link. I actually heard that story on Invisibilia but forgot all about it until now. I appreciate it. If you ever make your way to Colorado, I'll buy you drinks in exchange for you regaling me with stories.
from jimbostaxi :
Ty very much for the note! I really do hope this idea takes off when I read notes like yours it reminds me I'm doing the right thing :0)
from whystinger :
Simple is good and probably good for you. Doctor sounds really nice and good. Glad you have a therapist that you can relate to and can understand. Work that as long as you can and if health care won't allow over a certain number of visits, you may want to see if they will work with you at a rate you can afford. Mine gives me a good rate that we agreed on. I feel happy for you!
from whystinger :
From your 11/2 & 3 entries. You have a lot to offer the right person, when you are ready to. I see you pushing people away, so you will need to decided if you want to keep pushing those people away or do you need to find the right people? I am not professional, so I probably miss a lot. Keep up with the Yoga, writing down what you see as your positives and you may want to write down what you seek. That would be a document that you can refine as you go and your wants and desires change. I also like the link JarofPorter left below. You have a lot of good things going on, so keep going and when you are ready, you will make the changes you seek.
from jarofporter :
http://taoism.about.com/od/meditation/ht/inner_smile.htm
from papotheclown :
Rope night sounds incredibly fun. I hope it's a great experience for you.
from jimbostaxi :
She's adorable wish I was home more to hang with her but I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that.
from jimbostaxi :
She's soooooooo tiny 6 1/2 pounds I held her in my arms and she started to open her eyes but she didn't cry like she did with her dad and others immediately I thought this kid is smart! The kid in the office just told he's 1400 in the hole bad heroin deals so I expect more cash problems here ,,, it's only a matter of time before all the shit hits the fan
from jarofporter :
direct. succinct. i like it, thanks!
from eloira :
Wow... This resonates with me too... Standing up for myself is one thing I've got to learn...
from jarofporter :
i always try to say something, but it's difficult, a judgment call really, because while the woman might be able to diffuse the situation quickly, a man "coming to her rescue" can 1) cause the other guy to get belligerent, especially if he's been drinking, which can start a fight, and 2) cause the woman to get mad at you for thinking she can't handle it herself. Obviously, if things escalate there's no question of getting involved, but how does a gentleman know when to "help" and when to wait/keep an eye out? Seriously; honest question...
from jarofporter :
see, that's the problem i have with 'casual' sex - can't just keep it physical, so i just don't do it. wish i could, because years is a long time to go without... hope it works out whichever way you want it to!
from eloira :
I love your latest entry! I can certainly appreciate it all, and it sounds better than my morning! (Incidentally, can finally read entries - been stuck on a loop for weeks...)
from eloira :
Serious thanks for the note - momentary blip and your words were a much needed voice of reason! x
from jarofporter :
yes you are! :-) unfortunately, you're not nearby, which makes impromptu hangouts terribly difficult, you know? btw, sorry i haven't replied yet, will get to it tonight or tomorrow, been low on mental energy, if that makes sense?
from whystinger :
I hope you get a really good therapist and it works out well. With therapists, you sometimes have to go try a few before you find one that you like and that works well with you. The system sometimes doesn't realize that. I don't know much about group therapy, but group therapy is good for certain situations. I have not been to group therapy. Wish you well with this. It can take a long time so hope you have patience. Another thing about therapy - Some of us have begun to believe that everyone would benefit from about a year's worth of weekly therapy.
from jarofporter :
thanks for the "g'ma" well-wishes, she's doing ok so far! and if you feel like talking about the other, email would allow for longer messages - or maybe we could find a way to 'chat' somehow? if i had international calling, i'd just suggest that!
from mistfree :
Good luck on moving day. A few days without wi-fi may be a good thing.
from jarofporter :
sounds like what you might need is a 'primary' relationship, in which you're both free to explore other options, but are committed to each other. or maybe you might find a triad workable? it's something Viv & I considered for a long time, but neither of us could ever find anyone that was a good fit.
from whystinger :
Falling in love with Michigan? Wow, I worried about living in Michigan when I applied for that job, but was not selected. I am with you, I am not fond of games and prefer to read. One of my ideas that my ex did not like was "let's go explore town (or a town) and take a book. When tired, let's find a coffee shop and sit and read or sit in the park and read... By the way, how is OKCupid? I'm wanting to start meeting folks.
from jarofporter :
would love to visit, let me know when you get settled in & we'll figure something out!
from jarofporter :
congrats on the new place!
from whystinger :
On the side of Ontario where I grew up on, the Zebra mussels invaded and I think they have died off a bit. Newer threat is the round goby fish, another invasive species. When you mentioned walking slowly into Lake Ontario, I thought of the mussels and gobies...
from whystinger :
Watch out for the zebra mussels and round goby fish in Ontario...
from jarofporter :
looking into it, will let you know!
from jarofporter :
patience, daniel-san! -.-
from jarofporter :
"but what happens when those people get sick of me?" - not that i think it'll happen to you, but if you really want to know, you need look no further than my journal. i managed to run everyone off years ago.
from jimbostaxi :
Thank you very much! Xoxoxo I'm not stessing tonight I'm having a nice dinner tonight at work some beers and some cake, I already told these fuckers don't be surprised if I'm stumbling around here on camera :0) ps I really want those shoes maybe tommorow after my hangover
from eloira :
I know a few people like that too - bugs the absolute crap out of me to see them living better than us, on handouts that are supposed to make basic living easier for those who need it most... Funded training sounds awesome! I hope you manage to get something along the lines you need!! I'm also going to have to look up that book and will let you know how true it is to here! Sounds intriguing. Glad I could make it a little less creepy haha!
from eloira :
At least you're getting out and seeing where places fit in the scheme of things. Good to get a feel for a place! Yeah, the laws here are the same - it's deemed 'unprofessional'. WTF does that even mean these days?! Tempting to just jack in everything and become a hermit, but certain people won't let me... :)
from whystinger :
Awesome email from the hospice, you are loved!
from jarofporter :
yes, this is precisely what barriers are for. luckily, mine are still strong as ever. (i may or may not have been being facetious just now)
from manvsdevil :
Thanks for the well wishes I seem to be sadly ill a lot of the time I guess years of not taking care of my body are catching up with me. Anyway I hope things get on the up with yourself too and you're able to leap into a better situation. *hugs*
from jarofporter :
good luck on the top-floor place, sounds pretty nice!
from whystinger :
She may have liked your coffee better, I don't know her or the other players, but in my industry, we sometimes have our products bounced out due to someone who will either do favors or give outright kickbacks to those in charge. One never knows. I have had a client come up to me and tell me "your widget really sucks and it fails all the time." They get angry when I say "you folks stopped buying our widgets seven months ago..." They walk away mad, then call me days or weeks later. They never apologize, but say "hey, I caught Phil buying inferior widgets and let him go., can you drop by and ..." That or she could just be a controlling B. Cheers.
from dangerspouse :
Alcohol. You can fake anything if you have enough. Except, y'know, consciousness sometimes.
from jimbostaxi :
I was looking for something different and I think I found it :0) with my luck it will turn into one big blotch
from bantenhut :
I think you're doing the right thing, being distant with this guy. Some 33-year-olds don't act their age, and don't have it together yet. Trust your intuition. Not wanting to be around a lot of drugs and alcohol? Super good idea. Good on you for realizing you're not compatible.
from whystinger :
You can be that person and it could be a growth opportunity. When I moved to NJ I was the same way, left a ton of good friends and didn't want to make new ones, didn't want to go out and all that, so I think I can imagine some of what you are feeling. In NJ, I made a few friends and made one who was a true friend but would also drag me out, push me to do things and meet some folks. That gave me the push that I needed due to my circumstances. I am not advocating that someone push you out, but you can and will do that when you are ready. Yes, I am wanting to date. More later.
from whystinger :
Positive vibes and well wishes coming your way.
from eloira :
It sounds terrible, but I miss the ex sometimes as the sex was varied and often. I seem to have a much larger appetite right now... Because of or in spite of the ex is a mystery, but thank the gods for sex toy innovation! Yeah, I do have some awesome customers :) You still opting for the scorpion?
from eloira :
"You've hung from hooks, you can do this." Ahh, I know that feeling well, albeit not through having hung from hooks... Awesome that you had a great time despite the apprehension! I concur too that there's nothing more frustrating than a sexual appetite that doesn't match your partner's...
from whystinger :
"Sex is a big deal for me..." Oh, I will second that motion (for me). Sex is one of those things where we really need to choose carefully. Take my marriage for example. Sex was never great, but it was very plentiful in the beginning. I remember thinking "while it is never great, at least it will be plentiful." Well, the plentiful went away and I stayed hungry for years. I'll never forget when the good therapist explained about sex. In a nutshell, she told me about all the severe marital problems she saw and also the minor ones and how the couples with the strongest & satisfying sex lives always seemed to be able to make it, but those with lesser satisfying sex lives failed. Bottom line: if he can continue to grow into the role, cool. If it aint' working and he cannot learn, you may not want to invest as much time in the relationship. He SHOULD man up and make a great attempt to learn. 95% of the therapist out there will point out the importance of a good sex life in a relationship, even though most couple's differ on their frequency desire, they learn to reach agreement between them so both are satisfied. Sex issues are a deal breaker for me.
from eloira :
Oooh, love the look of the scorpion! There are some beautiful positions out there! Yeah, you're so right about the rest guilt - should learn to just enjoy it whilst we can.
from whystinger :
Wow, suspension again. I am speechless. I should go see one down here.
from jimbostaxi :
Tuesday the 17th is the big day hopefully I will pass and the real celebration can begin this part today was good but the license will be better :0) make sure those brews are ice cold and be safe :0)
from jimbostaxi :
Tuesday the 17th is the big day hopefully I will pass and the real celebration can begin this part today was good but the license will be better :0) make sure those brews are ice cold and be safe :0)
from whystinger :
You need a good two day weekend with nothing to do so you can relax. In the entry before you wrote "said to Courtney... I hope this class goes well." It won't, she said... I have read enough about how you handle these classes and I have to say. From how you talk about the classes, I would love to attend one. They may be exhausting but you are passionate about them and you always pull it off and pull it off great! Your passion for them is what makes me want to attend and I feel that you excel at these classes. You know what you are doing, you are a pro and you always handle these well. I still think Courtney is either jealous or trying to discourage you. I don't know enough about her and what she does, but don't let her get to you. You rock at what you do. Oh, BTW, thanks for the note and I think you are right...
from whystinger :
Very interesting about Courtney... I wonder if she is up to something or just being genuine. I don't know her, but with all the talk about her and drama, I think she is manipulating. She may be reacting to you or using a lever due to your mood. Sort of uncomfortable for me to read about when my ex-wife was so good at that. Watch yourself carefully to make sure she isn't trying to shit on you in some way. I think working with a therapist is great. Be aware that sometimes it takes a while to find a therapist that is a good fit. In the past, I have reached out to my local NAMI affiliate to find a list of good therapist and also checked the Psychology Today website for their referral, but looked at what the therapist specialized in. For example, if they specialized in EVERYTHING, I ruled them out. If they specialized in working with children, I ruled them out for me. Hang in there and keep working on it. I believe that everyone should have a few weeks of weekly therapy under their belt.
from whystinger :
Wow! I am almost speechless.
from eloira :
Now that is a week... Hoping the way through it all becomes clear before long. I can understand the wanderlust though - hard to sit still at times. In the meantime, breathe - if all else fails, there's always a beverage to suit the situation x
from jimbostaxi :
Shot you and email have a great day :0)
from whystinger :
She will have more drama, won't she? I am finding out more drama that I didn't know about from my Drama Queen. So many loved her, but I am finding out more and more bullshit. Funny, you want to get out of Toronto and I was recently wishing I had the time to visit Toronto and explore the city - go to all the places my ex-wife didn't want to go but I did.
from whystinger :
Courtney needs to go. You don't need that drama or bullshit. When my troublesome employee left for a new job all the co-workers were bummed, because they loved her so. She was great at socializing. My boss was so glad she was gone. For me all she did was create drama, bullshit and only really worked one portion of her job. The new guy is a pain in the ass, but he is much easier to work with. I feel for you.
from eloira :
Days like that are few and far between in my world too at the mo - I hope they become more frequent for you soon. Also, good cocktails definitely need to be sampled often!
from whystinger :
Ah, got it. Massive Dick, Fucking Prick! I sure can be a fucking prick when I want or need to be. I hope your weekend is a good one.
from whystinger :
Sometimes you just have to go Crazy Cunt. I am not sure the term for the male equivalent, but I have to once in a while.
from jimbostaxi :
Adams right don't disregard what he's saying
from jarofporter :
thanks. still had to have a couple drinks, so i'm not too happy about that, but at least i did it.
from papotheclown :
Tangents are always welcome with me. Maybe that can be your new hobby
from bantenhut :
That's awesome about Ryan Hemsworth! If you have a say in what music is played in your store, you could play his music and really make his day one random day. Ha! Also, thanks for your note! I don't think you're being too open-minded. Dating is indeed weird. I'm even in an age gap relationship -- 10 years. And I totally get the Daddy/Little girl thing. I think I've just seen a lot in the media to make me wary of large age gaps. And yeah, I wanted to be that guy's platonic friend, to respect him - so I guess I had higher standards for him. (But not, interestingly, for my other guy friend Scottie.) Life is strange. I may be too closed-minded. It's really hard to tell as an outsider if a young woman is being taken advantage of. Again, thanks for commenting! I often read your blog, but don't usually comment. I think you're very brave for getting hooks into you. See you next time! :)
from whystinger :
I have custom orthotics for running and they really help keep my feet from feeling tired. I recently purchased two new sets and will try to use them in my dress (work) shoes. The speech before the classes sound interesting and I have to say that when I have to do a presentation especially in front of a client or do a presentation to a group, I don't sleep the night before and those sorts of things are definitely exhausting. Seems like your recent suspension really brought things out for you - you are still feeling some of the things. I think this is good?
from jimbostaxi :
Thanks for that awesome note I just sent you and email :0)
from elusive-you :
that is so fucking awesome for you. i'm glad you've found something that makes you want to feel everything!
from eloira :
So pleased to hear that the suspension went well!! The fact you found a kind of peace up there is good to hear - we all need to feel like that at times. Don't worry too much about studying, as you'll come back to it when the time feels right and the hunger for learning is revitalised
from whystinger :
I am way behind on reading your diary, but I did read tonight. As individuals we need to be comfortable alone before we really can do well in a relationship. Could this be what your head is telling you about being alone? As for the studying, I think I understand that as I go through that myself with several things. Sometimes I have to push and punch through it, other times my mind is telling me that I need to focus elsewhere. Take my drawing for example. I have been away from that for several years and want to get back, but I don't. I go and buy new materials and paper and still don't use it. I have come to realize that the reason is I have other areas I need to focus on. Danger has a bit of a point, perhaps focus comes while suspended. Maybe that is the place to study, or perhaps you need to focus on the suspension - perhaps that is what you need at this moment in your life. At this moment in my life, I need to declutter and get other things accomplished.
from dangerspouse :
Maybe you should try studying while you're suspended. It's not like you'll have many distractions, right?
from jarofporter :
no doubt you got this - have a great time!
from whystinger :
Hmmmm, I must need coffee too, your note made perfect sense to me.
from whystinger :
Ah, I really need to get caught up on your writing! Sometimes I like to go to open houses, but I used to enjoy estate sales - you get to see what is inside the place and see the contents, sometimes find interesting stuff...
from jimbostaxi :
Didnt you know and eye shot is a compliment in Brazil? :9) next the ear shot from Uzbekistan!
from eloira :
I'd love my lip redone some time as I miss it terribly, but ears first. Aaaallll over! Possibly some more dermals on my chest.... A whole heap of stuff to come... It's really nice having a good friend as your piercer and bad influence! :) Go for the medusa, I think it'd suit you! There is some lovely jewellery out there for one.
from bantenhut :
Punk and Poetry?! That sounds super fun! Oh, and hoppy beers too, of course! I know I'm a random person on the internet, but I say ask for cuddles if you want cuddles. The type of relationship doesn't really matter. You're both giving each other things you like, and there's no reason not to speak up if you want cuddling. Years ago I told a guy I had just met that I didn't want to have sex, but we could cuddle, and then he said he didn't cuddle without sex. HAH. Quelle asshole! I left immediately. Anyway, there you have it! Good luck, dear! :)
from dangerspouse :
LOL! But...but...the eye is such a tempting target! We can't help it!!
from whystinger :
We never know if it is cool to approach a lady in a bar. Still, probably worth a risk as I have met some cool ladies in bars...
from jarofporter :
Your Brandon issue sounds like my CC issue, minus the sexual component. I have no answers, as I struggle with the same questions. Hit me up if you wanna talk through it. And yeah, I need a drink too.
from whystinger :
There is nothing wrong with eating alone and living alone - in fact more folks need to do this before they are married - get comfortable by themselves and all that, which is healthy. I get the laziness thing. I get that way and it bugs me, but I also realize that sometimes I just need some me time or down time, doing nothing and recharging. Sometimes I just need to get off my ass. I have to get more caught up on your diary. Won't happen for a while...
from whystinger :
Re; Bra bows and such. Yep it was a cute story and always made me smile. A rare one or two individuals "felt it was creepy" and that may have been my ex-wife. AMI, the primary one who used to leave the bows knew that I enjoyed a lot about her and that I once made a piece of jewelry in a class in college and after creating this piece, I had this vision where I really wanted to see it hanging on a gold chain, dangling in her cleavage. Alas, she was one that got away, but the memories are so sweet.
from whystinger :
Go with what is in your head, not your heart in this case. You could always reach out and say hello and see what she remembers based on her reaction. Never hurts to be pleasant and gracious.
from whystinger :
There is something definitely sexy about hiding some sexy things under the dress (or clothes) and it makes it sexier if someone knows about it and can't see it, but may see it later. The anticipation. A former girlfriend used to do that to me. She liked to keep the something-something on, but I liked taking it off (during the right time). She also would tease me about what lingerie - she was the one who would gift me with the bows and such from her bras... I would find them on my dresser, always made me smile. Glad you have good friends like those ladies. Meditation - I need to start meditation and yoga again. Cheers!
from jarofporter :
my concern is that if you stop looking, you might not realize it/recognize them when if they do show up. i mean, you can't walk around oblivious either, right? *sigh*
from jimbostaxi :
Happy belated New Year jeez I'm only 7 days late :0(
from bantenhut :
You sound like you're on the right track - if you're volunteering and treating people right, even when they are idiots, you have nothing to worry about. My mother didn't become selfish after years of singlehood. What she did warn me about though was getting too set in her ways. She and my stepfather are practically opposites in certain facets (like home decor, lol,) and so compromising can be pretty hard when you're so accustomed to doing things a certain way. Anyway! Point is: I don't think you become selfish, but you may become more convinced about certain methods of dealing with life. Take this all with a grain of salt, because I am a random person on the internet! Cheers! :)
from jarofporter :
re: dating - i'm having exactly the same issue. it really sux, sorry...
from eloira :
So much love for you lady xo
from whystinger :
Now you have me wondering if I have ever read any of your other diaries... I have been on Dairyland since 2002 and have met and lost track of some awesome people, including you. Happy new year.
from whystinger :
I love Dim Sum! Enjoy!!!!
from jarofporter :
hey, i see you're on! happy NY early! do you do google hangouts?
from whystinger :
From what I should have put into an earlier note: Kink - a wide range of things from what some if not all can choose. Some relatively "vanilla" things are kinky to some and some really bizarre (to most) are not kinky at all to others. Hell, I ought to save this for an entry...
from jimbostaxi :
For 3 bucks less and hour I think my whole entry would consist of FUCK hope you get it resolved quickly.
from whystinger :
The island and cabin was just what I needed. I was not sure what you were into but suspension was just a bit of a surprise. I had a feeling I would be surprised by what ever it was, as I could not guess. I've known a few Doms and subs, so I probably expected something a bit more like that. I was under the impression that one needed to work up to suspension a bit, but that shows what little I know. I have not really been interested in it, but after your experience I'm thinking "hmmm, could be interesting..." sounds like you did well and don't be hard on yourself for not over-doing.
from jarofporter :
you & me both...
from eloira :
YOU DID IT!!! :D You are awesome lady!! I've always been fascinated by suspensions, but not sure I'd have the balls to do it... Loving seeing it through your eyes! Thanks also for the note - I'll be fine come January, but may find the courage before then to tell him what's weighing me down... I might not... I'll do you a photo swap - your suspension for a cheesy black tie pic ;)
from whystinger :
Holy shit, I need to catch up. I am awed, I thought you were leaning a different way. I'm out of town, but when Imget home I need to read and know. Good for you for stepping out of what was holding you back from doing what you wanted. You have my respect.
from elusive-you :
it seems like you had a great time!!
from jimbostaxi :
Sounds exciting I'd like to see some pics :0) jimsean2006@yahoo.com
from eloira :
YAY! Exciting stuff!!! Keep us posted, won't you!
from whystinger :
Yes, now is the time. I have stepped out of my comfort zone a few times lately and survived. Now I have to do more...
from eloira :
Thanks! Still trying to take it in to be fair though! No pictures yet, but will post as soon as I have them! As for you, sorry about the Sailor. I know what that's like... On to a better match - just have fun finding whomever it may happen to be. enjoy beer and BBQ!
from wordwhore :
Hi! You don't know me, but I saw your note on my buddy's page and I got curious and read through some of your entries. Hope you don't mind my two cents on the Sailor situation, but having lived with a paranoid, mentally ill person around for much of my life, I have to say that's exactly what it sounds like to me, some sort of mental illness that includes paranoia. Definitely not in any way your fault. I hope you find someone much better suited to you. It's always hard when you think it's going well and shit gets weird. Best of luck with everything. ♥
from whystinger :
Ain't nothing wrong with not kissing if you don't feel like it. Especially if it was the first date or early. Anytime for that matter. In fact, that could be good.
from whystinger :
I tend to agree with Caitlyn and Nicole, that Sailor overreacted and something seems a bit fishy. I don't think that you are the problem, Sailor is. I also agree with Ralphy, find someone who is as awesome as you are. Part of me thinks Sailor connected with you and perhaps he scared himself, if so this is not good. On the other hand, if he walls are that high, that is not good either. Play it by ear and follow your instinct. You ain't the problem my dear.
from jarofporter :
nice! gotta like when a date turns out that well!
from eloira :
Sounds like a fantastic time was had! Not bad for a first date - I wish there were more like that! Hoping the next meeting is just as ace x
from eloira :
You sound like me when it comes the the joys of a date. I dread them immensely... Don't overthink too much - just go with it. If it doesn't feel right on the night, simply watch him doing rodeo whilst you sip a beer.
from jarofporter :
you're not gonna fuck it up (although he might) - I have faith in you!
from whystinger :
Mom snores? Cool. Go to the drug store and get some foam ear plugs. They work well, I know, Honi used to snore and the ear plugs allowed me to sleep.
from jarofporter :
long time ago i had a profile on there. don't even remember the user name anymore tho. curious to see what you think of it?
from jarofporter :
were i closer, i would be a buddy...
from whystinger :
I had a friend who had something like 5 or 8 piercings in one ear. She loved when people would notice and comment on her piercings. Then again, back then I had a new Buick Riviera and she just couldn't believe that I would wear blue jeans when driving such an elegant car. She was a punk rocker chick and would take me to some awesome punk and headbanger bars.
from eloira :
I get comments about my single piercing - I can imagine just how annoying it is for you... There's a definite lack of live music (or anything else) here, so go and get that ticket of you haven't already!! :)
from whystinger :
Thanks. Different than the ingredients I normally use and that will be very good! A new flavor.
from whystinger :
You will think of the college boy for years, even after you forget his name. I have two ladies like that. All I remember about one is her first name, Jill. We had a class together and we both had significant others. We would have been better together than with our BF/GF at the time. I still wonder many years later what she does. The other from college is another mystery of what happened to her. Still the memories are sweet even though at time bittersweet. Hey, have any good lentil recipes you care to share? I need to get back to cooking...
from dangerspouse :
Wow, thanks for the nice note back. Now go have more gin :)
from dangerspouse :
First lamb burgers and now mutton biryani? Oh, ewe!
from jarofporter :
no, not decided yet. a flight w/hotel room for a few nights is around $1000+, and driving isn't much cheaper. *sigh* i want to visit people, but it costs so damn much, ya know? :-( i know i'll have to make a decision soon & then i can let you know. it'd be a lot easier if you were near windsor! ;-)
from whystinger :
I want a lamb burger now. NOW! Why is it difficult to cut certain people out of our lives? I can totally relate to that. I am learning a bit, however.
from dangerspouse :
Lamb burgers rock! DO IT!!
from whystinger :
Oh yes, I am not going back to previous flames. One has been pushing to come back into my life, the one who was messing around a few months before we split and subsequently had a kid. Years ago, she sent a weird letter with pictures of her kid and new hubby. A few pages had been removed from the long letter and there was a question and what I now believe to be a manipulation from her that the kid could be mine. She has never said it is mine but every few years starts trying to start something. She is going through divorce #3 now... but I definitely need to stay away.
from jimbostaxi :
Long Island iced tea will loosen up the crowd! Main alcohol: Tequila, Gin, Vodka, Rum, Triple sec Ingredients: 1/2 oz Vodka, 1/2 oz White rum, 1 oz Lemon juice, More Preparation: Add all ingredients into highball glass filled with ice. Stir gently. Garnish with lemon spiral. Serve with straw. Served: On the rocks; poured over ice Standard garnish: Lemon spiral Drinkware: Highball glass
from jarofporter :
use your imagination - i'm sure something inappropriate will come to mind! ;-)
from jimbostaxi :
Start on the vodka !
from jarofporter :
read about the end of the gin and an unbidden thought popped into my head as a reply, but i won't say it because it was terribly inappropriate. :-P
from orgami :
Relate to the writes....one bad break-up (which is break down for much) I went from two thirty seven to one seventy eighty..im six feet tall..rice gruel and grape juice..and limes..worked for the sailors and pirates...fall always transitional..something is better then nothing...nothing would be the bad magician with two empty hands..like WTF?..all I did was live in a decent motel..big..old..and blew it on booze and watched voice described television..the red light on my phone would blink and it would be my ex happy then getting more angrier with each call..still at moment with her....step daughter twenty just moved to family way north....bf...I never used to say much too people...or too much then too people...all politics and that alpha dig in ruthless drive and ambition...im old..was always causing some shit..getting in shit...barely living on shit...surviving is better then just staying alive...I remember when toast and garlic salt was a luxury..thats how bad the addiction was but I knew if I lost my apartment my adress things would be really a bummer...and its the fall of which I love and soon snowflakes which for some particular reason Im crazy about..abstract and most people are literal....serving is not easy...moving and grooving...but theres a hustle to it thats hypnotic and timeless..take care!
from jarofporter :
https://youtu.be/-DIETlxquzY ;-)
from eloira :
Ooh, new ink! Love it!! Will keep an eye out for any pics that pop up. I'm itching for more - I have a lovely 6 month window now because of malaria tablets, but can't find an artist (the one I love disappeared in NY state...), so will live it through others for now :)
from jarofporter :
toronto is a definite possibility! can you recommend any good hotels? and why the hell is there only one route to toronto from michigan, and it's a tollway? how do i know how much money i'll need, and do they take us currency? questions, questions...
from eloira :
Ooh, exciting!! Scary but an amazing opportunity. Even if you don't stay, manager looks good on a CV! Remember to breathe, and get in there with the changes you want to make ;)
from whystinger :
I agree, for all practical purposes, Jersey City is New York.
from eloira :
Aww, thanks! I may take you up on that some time :) Hoping you're doing okay xox
from eloira :
I know what it feels like when life gets stagnant... Most of my friends are doing TEFL courses and travelling the world. Some did it years ago and have never come back. I'm mighty, mighty tempted to join them and do one... Hoping you find a way to satisfy that niggle inside of you xx
from whystinger :
Glad to see an update...
from whystinger :
I had to take the neighbor out - it was the right thing to do and he worked his ass off, while I never asked for help. I regret that I did not hang out more with him. We always got along well and I would always take him a beer at Halloween. The real right thing was inviting his daughter out too.
from whystinger :
I caught up on a few entries... I understand about the negativity. It can be so difficult to constantly hear that stuff and it really brings one down. My Ex was like that. So much hate and misery. They say "misery loves company" but I don't want to be that company all the time. Go to the toy shop and get a toy. Play with and get to know your vagina (you probably know more than I realize, lol), that was one of the problems with my marriage - I knew way more about her vagina than she did and she was not really interested in learning. I think her sexuality was repressed and that is not healthy. You seem to have a healthy attitude. The poly thing - I think it takes a special type of person to be truly poly and the few I know have this wonderful open-ness and communication with absence of jealousy. I don't know if I could do it, but then again, with the right person, I probably could be guided.
from eloira :
Glad I'm not the only one with a friend who always sees the positive in life(!) Aren't they fun? Still, great that you're discovering what direction you want to head in the relationship department. Awesome! Nothing wrong with poly!
from manvsdevil :
Thanks lushy been a long time coming last seven months felt like forever. I'm not on fb btw but I did send an email to your hotmail ages ago. S'pose you don't monitor that one though. Anyway, here's to life on the upside 8)
from eloira :
Thank you lovely lovely lady! xo
from whystinger :
All of us, including whites who don't dance well, need to dance more. :-)
from jarofporter :
well, i know i'm still sort of a stranger, but if you would like to talk about this stuff, i could email you my number... personally, i'd kinda dig having someone to discuss these things with as well. no sweat if you're not up for it, obvi!
from jarofporter :
pretty cool you got to meet the "whole gang" on your date, seems like a good sign!
from jarofporter :
Oh, and I agree with you re: intention. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost hope, and you can't believe in something happening when you find the situation hopeless. *shrugs* Do send any resources you might find though. Might as well read up on it. And thanks for the positivity - I sure can use it now...
from jarofporter :
Good luck w/the meetup, sounds like an interesting opportunity, even if only to learn a bit more about it. The few times I've written to women I was interested in on the dating site (maybe 5-6?) I never even got a "thanks but no thanks" back. Nothing. I'm not rude/crass, I mention something I saw in their profile (not just "Hi! or something) i use proper grammar, etc, so all I can think is that I'm not attractive to the women to whom I'm attracted. I'm seriously giving up. I'd rather be alone than with someone I'm not into...
from jarofporter :
welcome back!
from jarofporter :
cool, crisp, refreshing canadian vibes... aahhhh! ;-) thanks!
from whystinger :
A password, no problem, except I'm off Facebook currently for a while.
from manvsdevil :
Yo yo, good luck finding something in the interim and congrats on landing the manager position. Enjoy the warmth- cold as down here, well as cold as it gets anyway. See ya.
from eloira :
True... Tattoos are way too good for that trash! Ah yes, we see and hear all sorts! All good here except the election result, but nothing new there :) Hope you're okay xx
from eloira :
I know I would have loved to say that to his face! How rude!! Hope the love of his life (if he finds her) ends up with lots of tattoos... Ah, if only karma worked like that.
from whystinger :
I snoop once in a while in your diary. Did several pages tonight. I like libraries. I sometimes just use the free wireless, sometimes use the computers and many times read. Interesting diary and what you write. You wrote something about a bikini. Too many ladies today think they don't look good, but when I look a them, I think they are fine, well more than fine. Pretty. Cute, Hot. I remember a pear shaped woman. Big hips and ass, small boobs, but HOT as hell! She radiated confidence and that was hot. Sometimes men like the ladies more than the women think. Cheers!
from eloira :
Ooh, sounds like interesting times are afoot! You're right when you say don't be hard on yourself - I'm exactly the same in that respect. I have been immersed in a 'do it tomorrow' attitude for so long it hurts! Thanks for the b-day message xxx
from jarofporter :
re: 12-16 entry... personally, i don't do that with someone unless i'm in a serious relationship with them. for me, it's very personal & intimate, and not something i'd do in a casual situation. perhaps that's why he hasn't? best thing is to discuss it, because you won't be happy (or worse, you'll resent it/him) if you pretend you're ok without it.
from elusive-you :
thank you so much! and in reference to your "take what i can get" entry, definitely bring it up if you plan on continuing what you're doing! better get out of it what you want if he's getting the same.
from manvsdevil :
Still sick I'm afraid, second round antibiotics, withdrawn, I'll be around, thanks for checking up on me!
from eloira :
Everybody deserves a lie-in occasionally. Hoping it did the trick, although people like the ones you describe get under my skin. How rude can you get! Breathe, let the day wear away all the stresses and daydream of getting your own back x
from eloira :
Yeah, both boys. Litter-mates :) Both boring brown, but real characters. Thanks - I hope I find some names soon too!! Something's got to stick at some point, right? Hope you're doing okay today x
from strayrecluse :
koreatown is where i had my diaryland love affair. be careful out there.
from eloira :
G-day = when I get my guinea-pigs. AKA tomorrow :)
from strayrecluse :
which part of toronto are you living in now? x
from eloira :
Hoping the emotional limbo lifts soon, although not being unhappy counts for a lot these days!
from manvsdevil :
Yeah it'll pass but yeah it sucks big time. I do exercise but went real lax especially with the booze which really left me in a hole and that's when all my skin problems materialize. Anyway thanks for the support I might give yoga a chance again but first some meditation! X
from orgami :
grow up! ha ha..just wrote my blog..saw your online status and dropped by...Like your grit Lust-: I follow a few here....not many....You got guts...and heart! awesome..keep up the good work......Im ancient.fifty and doing this too..On the bike..in peoples faces...Im wanting to be like Hunter and die..but I keep going...the young need some guidance forward over the wall like Sucker Punch..world war one..I loved the old actor in that movie..I thought he was a carradine but he isnt...anyway..blah hah..nice to meet you..thought you worthy of a remark..dont answer if you dont want..keep up the good work instead...Thank You!
from elusive-you :
thank you! :)
from eloira :
No, we don't! We have a lot of local ales, sure, but nothing like you suggested. The sound of them actually made my mouth water! Hahaha! You're right too, nothing beats a good laugh.
from manvsdevil :
Ah lusty! There you have it no pot, no shenanigans haha ('vananigans'- too cute). Glad you laughed; glad I'm not the only one ;)
from eloira :
Carrot cake ale?? Pumpkin pie ale?! They sound amaaaazing!! It sounds like you laughed off the calories too - good going! Ahh, I miss decent ale and laughter... Gotta get back in the swing of things!
from jarofporter :
you mentioned horoscopes, check out this site... www.facade.com. runes, tarot readings, bio-rythms, etc. it's a bit of fun.
from jarofporter :
Yes, that really is the right question - how to go about stirring things up/making a change? I'm open to suggestions. If I come up with anything, I'll let ya know, too...
from manvsdevil :
It is a nice change but I miss the length wanted to get to at least 'the bangs' stage, but def don't miss the dandruff. Don't worry 'bout the mortgage! At least your paying something that you'll eventually own ya know? Could always bug out, rent it, sponge off parents. Hell, I would if my bro weren't already there lol. Take it easy...
from eloira :
Thanks Des :D It certainly brightens up the place haha! Oooooh, wine.... Have a glass (bottle) for me too - could do with one right now... Nicole's lucky to have a friend like you, even if the wine evaporates lol Hope she's ok again soon xx
from jaysthoughts :
Just checking to see how many diarylanders still actually check their notes and stay active.
from eloira :
Hey Des :) How are things with you?? Feet are crazy itchy today!! Our flights are 4 weeks away as of yesterday. I think I must have missed a few months somewhere... Booze floats sound awesome, why had I never thought of it?
from dangerspouse :
It may have been booze floats that got her this way. But what the hell. More booze floats never hurt.
from whystinger :
I am glad that someone else over analyzes... it is nicer to have someone else.
from whystinger :
Was on anti-depressants a few years ago. I have to say they helped me get back to being my old self, did not make me feel weird or out of sorts. Seemed to help me focus and get my work done.
from manvsdevil :
Online dating = not me, else I'd have put a pic up I suppose. I think I'll hold my breath lol, def want to go to this party though need to boogie!! :) Burn a hole in the floor meanwhile 8)
from eloira :
Thanks so much lovely lady! Yes, it is not so nice... I've been tempted to pack in the job and just go, but that would leave me in dire straights... Hoping to weather the storm and get to brighter days. Hoping that wherever you stop next lifts you up. Many new adventures await!! Settle in fast xx
from eloira :
Awww, thank you! Glad I'm not alone - it sucksw big time! Giving in and using my cell in a bit, as he's useless... So, so glad that Portland has given you the lift that you so badly needed - long may that last! :D
from eloira :
Awww, thanks honey! Just a bit heartsick, and wondering where I'll end up. The abroad comment was about Turkey. Nothing imminent. Yet... Hoping you're okay and find some resolution within yourself - you are awesome and deserve to have more than your fair share of smiles x
from manvsdevil :
Thanks for the robot props and kudos for getting off FB. More LIFE to you!! :)
from jarofporter :
love the "technology hiatus" idea. might have to try it again soon myself...
from atwowaydream :
You can never go wrong with coloring while wearing a Hemingway shirt. Especially when alcohol is involved.
from eloira :
Ahhh, hun! I truly know how that feels at the moment... Another pivotal moment on the horizon..? Hang in there, it'll all come right in the end, whichever direction that may be in. Just wish I could win the lottery and pack it all in... xx
from manvsdevil :
Nothing beats a good storm out ah the good 'ol days *chanting* 'storm out, storm out!' *pumping fist in the air*
from manvsdevil :
Are you getting old? :P
from imalex :
Thank you. I hope things get better as well. Maybe when the two metres of snow melts in my front yard. Hope you're well xo
from manvsdevil :
Surviving for the most part - sadly ;) I'd like to be more on edge haha, you seem well. Take care.
from jarofporter :
yeah there are still a few of us gentlemen around, and not all of us are sub-par! ~.^
from eloira :
You're in my thoughts lady. You're allowed to fall apart occasionally - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You'll get back up in your own time xx
from eloira :
Her name's Stacey Sharp - I've lusted after her work for over a decade! Hoping to make it over one day (when I'm rich ahahaha). I'd love a piece that represents the 2 sides of my family. I just need the money, the placement, the money, the time, the money and the design... :)
from eloira :
Also, totally loving your sleeve :D
from eloira :
Thanks hun!! Sending smiles and tolerance back to you x
from atwowaydream :
I'm the same way. Music always trumps little parlor tricks and games. Love to you, sweets.
from jarofporter :
didn't happen to be dry *white* toast, did it? did her friend order 4 fried chickens? if so, they might have been the female Jake & Elwood Blues!? ;-)
from eloira :
Argh! The customers you have just described are a VERY FAMILIAR TALE!! All of them!! I sympathise, I really do - they drive me nuts but all you can do is smile... x
from eloira :
Hoping you're okay lovely. I am, thankfully - just a momentary blip and a wasted holiday. All is pretty much as it was a fortnight ago, even though a lot has happened since. Now, onward and upward x
from elusive-you :
that one makes me sad. hope you're all right.
from eloira :
Ahhhh, thank you for that!! It's what I think too, just need to do it face to face. Remember when you hit the low points that you are awesome girl! :)
from eloira :
Don't you just LOVE the ignorance of people. The customer is definitely not always right, and yet we have to keep smiling. Just rest safe in the knowledge that they were served by a totally awesome person. :)
from torchstar :
You're the first random diary I've visited in AGES - a true treat - i know that feeling. Your writing is uncluttered & clear. I enjoyed it and shall return!
from eloira :
I would kill to be able to crochet, but it hates me. I need someone to show me how to do it and then I'll probably be fine. Knitting seems to be the way forward for me so far, but my repertoire is limited to frilly scarves so far!! Will have to change that :)
from atwowaydream :
Still remember seeing it in the theater as a little girl. . . "baby steps. . ."
from jarofporter :
"..I need to surround myself with people who will lift me up instead of bring me down." - exactly!
from elusive-you :
yep, i feel that.
from imalex :
Bahahah! What? Wow! That's a bold move. Hope the move was good though, despite that weird experience. Hahaha
from jarofporter :
congrats! hope you get a bed soon!
from eloira :
Heya! Busy times here, just had a few weeks of school holidays, now it's my turn! :D Off to see the boy. Hope you're keeping okay, will catch up when I'm back in civilisation x
from eloira :
I can totally relate to the whole noise thing. Silence, as they say, is golden. Lights also should definitely stay OFF until the sun is very much up...
from elusive-you :
inconsiderate roommates are the worst.
from eloira :
Sorry to hear the bad news - hope you're holding up okay xx
from elusive-you :
oh, yes, i can dig it!!
from strayrecluse :
oh! you're in vancouver! so so wonderful. whereabouts are you staying? you'll definitely fall in love there. everybody does. xx
from elusive-you :
me too, me too...
from eloira :
Awww nice. Sad as it sounds, I'd love to learn how to do some latte art... My lattes are just boring and plain! Hope you're doing okay chick xx
from atwowaydream :
:::hugs::: Seriously. I send hugs and love out to you tonight.
from eloira :
It's all a bit of a blur at the mo, not looking good for grandma though... Hope your days are bright, sorry if I'm not around much at the mo.
from arial-black :
Thank you for your kind words. I did not exactly planned for them to be read. I see you are going to laneway tomorrow. Which is a nice coincidence (almost) because I live in Singapore. (:
from strayrecluse :
strange enough, your second post card came in the mail today! thank you. xo
from atwowaydream :
one day, on facebook, we will have s LIVE conversation.
from atwowaydream :
"Oh, sweet Jesus, please let there be a beer tent." - I don't know if I've ever agreed with anyone more than at this moment.
from elusive-you :
thank you!! i'm sending the same to you <3
from amygonecrazy :
Ahhh, you wrote me back! This is the best. Yeah I'm still in NZ! I can't believe you visited, that's awesome. Maybe we walked by each other :) such a cliche but I'm a psychologist now hahaaa.. came on to delete my diary before any of my clients find it! How are you?!
from amygonecrazy :
Hey, I used to have a diary here like 10 years ago, and I just found it, and there were SO MANY lovely notes from you.. so I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for helping me so much when I needed it the most. You helped me become me! <3
from eloira :
Hiya! I'm okay I guess, still ticking along. You? Sounds like you're on quite a journey, mentally as well as physically. Hope you find your path again xx
from elusive-you :
thank you! i will say, you are at least lucky to have some adventure in your life right now :) we'll all get it figured out eventually... eventually...
from elusive-you :
i've felt that way for a long time. it will pass.
from imalex :
Hey thanks for the note. You seem to be living quite an interesting life. Read one of your entries about people not maing the effort. Funny how that works? I used to think it was only me. Be safe on your travels, and I hope you had a good day too :)
from strayrecluse :
p.s. be safe out there. hope your trip is turning out to be the best one yet.
from strayrecluse :
thanks for the postcard laydee. xx
from eloira :
I can relate to not being able to see the bigger picture sometimes, but at times that haze clears. Glad you're off to Vietnam later - Indochina is totyally on my list! Maybe one day...
from glorycloud :
Jack Kerouac is also one of my favorite writers. Hope all is well.
from eloira :
Family can be so darned frustrating, can't they?! All you want is a bit of attention; time; effort. You know, I still haven't even got a congrats off of either sibling? Let alone a celebratory event as I was hoping. Love them to bits, but wonder why I bother. You're certainly not alone - don't let it get you down. And YAY! Malaysia! xx
from eloira :
The rest of your life? Don't question it - just let it unravel before you, and your path to tread will appear. 'Finding' your niche isn't exactly easy - if you ever find yours, let me know! I'm still searching, although changes are afoot...
from eloira :
Thanks hun, truly. It's always such a wrench, but I know it'll be better with time. Ooh, we crossed over by a few hours! Hoping you get decent people to sit next to on your flight - makes time go faster x
from eloira :
Ooooh, fun times!!! I am so glad to hear (and see) a little of what your travels are like - and I wish you many, many, MANY more AWESOME moments and encounters!!!
from eloira :
Your last couple entries have made me smile :) Good to hear you're (mostly) enjoying these days!
from strayrecluse :
thanks laydee. good luck on your adventures. i'm excited for you. really, i am. never lose that wanderlust.
from eloira :
Distance - I know exactly what that's like... Try not to entertain the What-ifs, it'll only get you down. If it is destined to work, you'll find a way around it, and if not then you go with the flow x
from eloira :
Ahaha, you'd be welcome any time! :D How are plans your end? Try not to think about the what-ifs - go with the flow and all will settle x
from strayrecluse :
europe!
from atwowaydream :
Oh, I did. The owl eyes fucked with me for more than a night or two.
from eloira :
Ooohh, infections eh? Not so nice :/ At least you can watch True Blood though - I'm stuck with the tennis! :) Swift recovery! x
from atwowaydream :
Oh, I've got a great ass. I'm just working on getting a goddamn fantastic one. ;)
from strayrecluse :
what happened to new zealand?
from elusive-you :
thank you! i'll be reading you, as well. :)
from eloira :
Hmm, you get those moments too then? I find screaming into a pillow is a good one too, although I never have enough breath to get it all out of my system...
from eloira :
Nah, not really bothered to be honest. I'll probably get a bit patriotic at the time though ha! So glad to hear that life is good for you - long may that last x
from abetterme33 :
monocles and mustaches? well, you can't have one without the other, haha
from strayrecluse :
also: i need to get my teeth cleaned and my eyes checked but i haven't because they both cost too much money and i have no health insurance. oh the life of a wanderlust, hey?
from strayrecluse :
thank you lovely. <3
from eloira :
I have moments like that too... Sometimes, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, and life will take you amazing places as long as you can stick with it. New paths come up all the time, so don't look back and you'll find your way again. Keep your chin up x
from eloira :
Awww, thank you! :D Hope all is continuing to be awesome your end x
from eloira :
Keep enjoying the moment! :))
from atwowaydream :
yay. it certainly is about an hour of true escape.
from strayrecluse :
totally know what you mean, shitty bosses are the worst. by the sounds of it, your dream cafe is raw sugar in ottawa. you should visit!
from eloira :
Yes indeed! Not exactly sunnier climes, but it is a few essential degrees warmer there... Here's to happy times.. Glad you are happy with your current situation! :D
from eloira :
Happy times :))) Long may they last x
from abetterme33 :
hi des, i've been thinking about what you wrote about the novelty item thing. the scooby doo prize. i get where you are coming from.
from strayrecluse :
good luck with yours too!
from call-me-out :
you'll never be scooby in the corner of the game room to me. xox.
from atwowaydream :
aw, thanks for being loyal. i still read you every time you update, love.
from call-me-out :
Words cannot describe how ready I am to spend a week or lounging and boozing with you before you take off to Kiwi-A-Go-Go Land. Xox.
from innocentspy :
Soon everything shall be fine and you will get your dreams, your goals and love you have wished for. After every tough time there is some ease as you cannot be tested more than you can bear.
from eloira :
((Hug)) Sounded like you needed it. Hope you're okay.
from eloira :
Sure thing :) The contact link on my page is current, or right clicking the link and copying the address seems to work too. Ahh, yesterday was indeed one of those 'moments'. Haircut and (window)shopping tomorrow to lift the spirits :)) Hope you're holding up okay.
from eloira :
Nice to 'meet' you! I'm Poppy, which used to be awesome when it was just used for me and dogs... Ha. Hope your day is just as great :)
from eloira :
You know, I really connect with a lot of what you write. I too see a lot of the 'sorted' people, confident in their lives. For me, I don't think I will ever be one of them, no matter where my life heads. Forever inadequate. However, just see what doors open. Even if you stand still a while, life has a way of finding you x
from eloira :
We've had none so far this season, so enjoy the snow for me :)
from eloira :
Ooh, nice! I've toyed with the idea of an industrial for years, but as I sleep on my side am giving it a miss. For now... I say go for it! :))
from eloira :
Just the usual - 6 earrings (smallish plugs in each lobe, 1 upper cartilage the rest mid-way), nostril, tongue and navel. I had to retire 2 other cartilage rings, an upper ear orbital and my beloved centre lip ring (I'd kill to have that back). Plenty more on the list, but also saving up for a rather large tattoo if I ever get the chance and get it out of my head and on to paper :)
from call-me-out :
we seem to be in the same place these days. truly wishing i could just jump on a plane and be there in hours.
from eloira :
I find common ground in your latest entry, and understand so, so well what it is like. Many facets of the same person... Determining where, who and how you are happy and actually living that are different things. But you'll find your way again x
from eloira :
If I weren't allergic, a beer would go down nicely right now... Hope you're doing okay x
from eloira :
I agree - exercise definitely makes the world seem a little easier to get along with! Ha, and I love the concept of a crazy switch - I'm sure there must be one you know. This time of year it always seems to be in the 'on' position...
from eloira :
Your entry sums up thoughts from my last few days...
from eloira :
Glad you got to make a connection again. Talking - or typing - can be... freeing? Hope many more chats come your way :)
from abetterme33 :
i like how you wrote about being a terror. haha, that's funny. i like that word. terror.
from call-me-out :
britnee. and i'm not even kidding a little bit.
from abetterme33 :
des, i would love that! haha, mongolion grill. i can see us in china... "we have come to your country now please show us the way to your mongolion grill. thank you very much!!!"
from abetterme33 :
hey friend i just read your comment. thank you very much. i had skype but it gave me viruses something else infected it but i had to delete it. oh friend. thank you.
from abetterme33 :
you're going to vegas? haha. have you ever been before? i love it. its definitely the escape that it promises. and i think i feel the same way about traveling as you do friend. looking elsewhere to kind of find something special but trying to be content with where you are.
from stepfordtart :
The Wiccan Creed (my daughter's Wiccan) is pretty much the same as that: "An (meaning 'if') it harm no-one, do as ye will". Are you secretly Wiccan? : ) s x
from abetterme33 :
i don't know. i'd like to believe in it. like 1, 2, 3...it just happens and everything falls into place but i don't know. i ordered brida for a friend the other day and accidentally ordered myself a copy so i figured i might as well read it since i have that so i'll start that soon! haha
from abetterme33 :
what? i don't think i remember the penis game but i've been thinking about the movie lately, like do you think, like, you know zooey deschannel's character, do you think someone can go through their lives as kind of disinterested in relationships or monogamy and then have it just kind of hit them suddenly and unexpectedly? like how she married that other guy in the end? do you think its that simple with the right person?
from raven72d :
thanks back--- and I will be reading along.
from raven72d :
lovely small entries.
from abetterme33 :
have you even seen 500 days of summer?
from eloira :
Awww, thank you! Er... Don't want a job do you? :P On the late shift today, so fingers crossed. Liking the comment in your new post too - I guess true happiness is like the grail, here's hoping we all find it x
from ohmegah :
Ran into your diary and liked it, so I added you. Hope you don't mind. Take care.
from strayrecluse :
a week. :)
from eloira :
I'm in South West England, and yes - idyllic (at least, it is to me!) Thank you, I vented, and all is well with the world today, bar the school holidays.
from eloira :
I'm in South West England, and yes - idyllic (at least, it is to me!) Thank you, I vented, and all is well with the world today, bar the school holidays.
from strayrecluse :
what tattoo do you have? and for me the outline was worse than anything. after that i was okay.
from strayrecluse :
i got it done yesterday. i'll post a picture once it's healed. it's a bird holding a banner that says so it goes.
from eloira :
Nothing wrong with being a bore per say... Drives me mad at times, but always manage to break out again. You'll find that up again :)
from strayrecluse :
visiting family in portugal. i'll be gone for 3 weeks.
from abetterme33 :
things have been good over here. it's seems like you've hit some rocky patches and i hope things get better for you. i guess some stuff just has to happen sometimes, rough stuff, even when you know its for the best. <3 <3 <3
from abetterme33 :
<3 have you ever read brida by coelho?
from strayrecluse :
i hope everything is okay with you. xx
from jaysthoughts :
Eat DRINK and be merry. For the days are short and the hour is late..
from abetterme33 :
have you ever eaten at that restaurant in the sky in toronto? i just heard about it tonight on pinterest.
from eloira :
Hoping the time away clears your head x
from atwowaydream :
Diaryland friends are allowed to like Charlotte's Web AND bacon. It's the law.
from call-me-out :
2 days!!!
from strayrecluse :
oh my birthday isn't until monday, so you're still early. ;) me and the boy are in a sticky situation, and it has an expiry date. so there's really nothing to work out...
from strayrecluse :
no, i never got a call back. :( i had an interview to work at the library and i think it got it, but i wanna get out of this city. no, i NEED to.
from atwowaydream :
:::Hugs::: I've been up and down, like the normal bipolar. Do you only Tweet? Facebook is so 2008 but I have always hated change.
from call-me-out :
...you can count on me...
from eloira :
Hope you find happier days soon x
from abetterme33 :
oh what a terrible problem ;)
from abetterme33 :
there's clothing that looks good on small breasted women? not!
from strayrecluse :
all i really need is multiple orgasms. amen to that sister.
from strayrecluse :
me too.. i have two weeks to prepare but i'm so scared!
from strayrecluse :
i got an interview to work in the youth centre on a cruise ship. :)
from abetterme33 :
you guys have mongolian grills there? yay, we have them here too :P
from strayrecluse :
no luck yet. :(
from curioushope :
I just read a handful of your entries & have really enjoyed them. I'm going to add you as one of my favorites.
from eloira :
Your recent entry is exactly how I feel too - you are not alone... Here's hoping that things work out for the better x
from atwowaydream :
honey, all the cool kids are bat-shit. it's like the new goth.
from eloira :
I hope so too. Thanks so much. Here's hoping your days get better too x
from abetterme33 :
i liked the book of eli the first time i saw it. the second time it was like, eh...why did i like it? i really couldn't tell.
from sun-dials :
aw, i'm so sorry to hear you've had a bad day. chin up, tomorrow is a new, brighter, better day.
from abetterme33 :
why would she even say that? that's so odd. unless you were totally butchering it...and then, what's even more odd is why would she get upset about the situation? wow.
from strayrecluse :
it's so beautiful outside!!!!!
from abetterme33 :
haha...what happened? what did you say to her?
from abetterme33 :
just read your note...february 8th :)
from abetterme33 :
i'm glad your v-day was great and i know what you mean about being over "being over valentine's day" you know? haha...it's just fun to embrace it sometimes
from abetterme33 :
sorry about the dumb girl you work with. is she really spacey? holiday work visas? i didn't know such things existed.
from call-me-out :
everyone else is dumb. we are awesome. i'm currently getting texts from the super flake number one. don't be pissed. people really aren't worth the effort that takes. 96 days until you are here! xox <3
from atwowaydream :
Was he the frigid lawyer character from The Mighty Ducks? There's something a little freaky and penetrating about his eyes. . . so I can understand the nightmare for sure.
from strayrecluse :
aww, so sweet! i'm jealous of your internetbestfriendship. i really think that this website is special.
from abetterme33 :
where did you get a job at?
from strayrecluse :
why thank you. i'm a huge audiophile. what have you been listening to lately?
from strayrecluse :
i live in the 'burbs too. :( west side.
from jarofporter :
why the fuck would you bother posting a message on my notes? i'm the biggest nobody on the planet!? thanks though, at least i'm entertainment for others! ;-)
from strayrecluse :
mhmm! (p.s. i live in toronto also.)
from strayrecluse :
agreed! every girl needs some regular hanky-panky.
from abetterme33 :
its kind of funny because i thought i might have asked you that sooner...haha. i have to admit i still watch degrassi. when did this guy go on a date with manny and how did he bring it up? was he all, "i dated someone famous once...blah" or was it one of those funny things? and she kind of comes across as one of those girls that might do something like that. i didn't know that link was full of a bunch of user submissions. at first i thought it was from the same person and i was way confused...
from abetterme33 :
hey des, i stumbled upon this the other day and there were some things about it that kind of reminded me of you: http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2010/09/ready-to-take-on-challenge.html :) and random question...do people ever ask you about degrassi since you live in canada? like if there'a an actual school or if you ever seen the actors walking around town?
from atwowaydream :
Beer in faraway places sounds just about perfect right now. Eternally cold beer in eternally warm waters.
from kabukicharms :
I want to move to Toronto so bad. All I want to do is look up at the CN Tower. But if that's what it takes... then slim chance to none? Plus I doubt the job will wait six months. But Assistant Brand Building Manager for Ice Cream Novelties Innovation is like the coolest title ever.
from strayrecluse :
thank you for listening, love.
from atwowaydream :
Make sure you never say "if" too much, sweetie. happiness for you will happen, you're such a wonderful person. ♥
from eloira :
Update: Turkey is okay. Unsure on the relationship side of things at the mo though... Stuck in a rut. But surviving oksy and have some good friends here! Hope you had a good festive season, and have a good New Year if I don't get online before :)
from sun-dials :
merry belated christmas! it is indeed snowing here, which has been quite refreshing even though it snows every year. hope all is well and your new years is wonderful!
from atwowaydream :
Merry Christmas, darling. . . I'm glad you're back from Poland. I hope you open awesome presents and watch awesome reruns of christmas cartoons. Or take a christmas shot.
from atwowaydream :
the little kid in me wants to be a foodie, but the adult in me is too terrified of what the impact of being a foodie. :(
from atwowaydream :
high standards is like, better than being high on anything else. keep those standards. keep snubbing bad food.
from avantbedroc :
please leave the cutting back of booze as a last resort -NEVER- first resort ;-p .... (beach photo) from an island not far from home
from kabukicharms :
I have wine, and some gruff man stubble. Like a lumberjack with good taste in cabernet.
from kabukicharms :
I was gonna suggest renting out your uterus that shit brings bank. But I think you mentioned not liking the idea of something growing inside you. I actually have a few friends teaching in Dubai and Abu Dhabi. They enjoy it for the most part. Well except that to go into a lot of places they have to wear a hijab.
from kabukicharms :
You could always sell bone marrow, or platelets. Why is it illegal to sell eggs? I think its legal here in the states?
from abetterme33 :
happy travels back home!
from abetterme33 :
i know exactly what you mean! i hate the artificiality of it all. a friend once told me he was sorry to forget to invite me to some party he was having. he sent out a facebook evite and then remembered i didn't have a facebook until it was too late. i was like, thanks for taking the effort and thinking of me...i always hear about how it's easier to maintain friendships with facebook but it's like, if a social networking site is required to maintain that friendship, it's probably not a good friendship! and it kind of bothers me how people add others they know as friends only to snoop through their photos or comments or just have another friend online but don't make an effort to communicate. i'd probably only have one to talk to the people i already talk to in real life which sort of defeats the purpose.
from omfggwtf :
haha, thank you ;) you too xo
from abetterme33 :
yay i have picassa and flickr and other photo sites. why delete the facebook?
from abetterme33 :
do you have pictures or links to public facebook albums of your adventures so far?
from abetterme33 :
you know, i think it is his head, the more i think about it. he has a child shaped head that should have developed some odd 10 years or so
from abetterme33 :
justin bieber creeps me out. something about him.
from kabukicharms :
I refused to go to every dance but prom, but I had two dates to that!
from atwowaydream :
I never went to my prom, either. I used to want to sucker-punch all the people who said, "One day, you will regret it. . . " Um. It's not like having a baby, it's like post-adolescent awkward dancing and hoochie neon dresses.
from call-me-out :
I'm so sorry about everything. It will all work out. I want you to know I love you and can't wait to see you in a few months. Don't some stupid whitey get you down. Lol.
from kabukicharms :
Dude that's total crap! Come to the southern U.S. we're all brown here. If you hit racism you went to far east.
from abetterme33 :
""Would it be a problem to live with a coloured girl?" " what? i just can't believe that.
from eloira :
As for packing - I hope I will be a last-minute person this time...
from eloira :
Dude, sorry to hear you've had such a crap day...
from abetterme33 :
"I said I don't want to have a commitment or be in a relationship when I'm back and if I can't get sex from him I'll find it elsewhere. " when i read this i started laughing out loud. i love your honesty!
from eloira :
Turkey. In a week and a half... :/
from atwowaydream :
it's amazing how we can connect through words and confessions. i mean, who would have thought. . . diaryland? but people get to know each other in bars and grocery stores and alleyways. so why not through words. swimming pool plus e sounds scrumptious. and there should totally be music coming from every corner.
from omfggwtf :
haaha! that's alright. and yeah i would go out but i get scared of the dark in this town, it's pretty horrible here aha...... i'm such a girl. we have vodka here though ;) might just drink, sing and then pass out, that's always fun. i know, the bed oh my god. i really want it :(!
from omfggwtf :
thank you very much :) you too x
from abetterme33 :
who celebrates that without fireworks? lame.
from omfggwtf :
i'd like to start reading this more if i can? :) x
from eloira :
Hey! I am also reading your diary on a regular basis. Yeah, I love travel. So much to see, not enough lifetime... The entry I added as a fave pretty much sums it all up for me right now, I really couldn't have put it better myself.
from abetterme33 :
thanks des. i posted it to bring awareness to the fact that song of these people are just plain pricks. you think that tefl teachers would be welcomed and appreciated, not just that but highly respected as well. your boss sounds like an idiot. i don't know how he thinks its okay to withhold pay. i heard people in iceland are mean too...i heard that randomly from about three different sources? you hear anything about iceland?
from kabukicharms :
Sharpen the end of a toothbrush on the concrete, that's what you need for proper shanking.
from abetterme33 :
hey love, i don't know if you know or not but i'm on blogspot now. been thinking about you a lot and hope you are fine. i read your stuff everyday and referenced your post. i hope you don't mind. if you do i can take it down. its mainly for me though. not many people know about my blogspot. just the boyfriend and a couple of my girlfriends.
from abetterme33 :
i just read your notes love :) i have skype. i'm rarely on though. like, once a month. i will add you though. i'm not even sure how i have mine set up, what email i used or what not. haha, computer illiterate.
from abetterme33 :
happy late birthday dez! i read your post about that feeling of searching for home. i'm not exactly sure what home feels like, i just know that i don't feel like i have one but it's out there somewhere...we'll find it eventually even if it takes half our lives. happy searching until then :)
from atwowaydream :
I know you're away from home, but Happy Birthday, and party it up. :)
from abetterme33 :
i'm sorry about everything des. you must feel so trapped and unhappy. i hope each day passes with more ease than the last.
from abetterme33 :
what's going on? is it the way people are acting? is it the structure or administration? i'm sorry to hear things are so crappy des. just a couple more months. that's less to think of than 10 weeks. right now i'm working on getting my esl endorsement to teach in public schools states side but not quite sure about going overseas entirely.
from abetterme33 :
is everything okay lately des? is poland okay?
from call-me-out :
Here is how I see it: You are not a quitter. You don't just give up on things like this, so it MUST be bad. And I'm sorry for that. Love and miss you. xox.
from jarofporter :
i once knew a girl in poland... she was beautiful.
from killsoft :
chug my semen.
from call-me-out :
I wish you would stop going to the ends of the earth. Let's just run away together. At least we never say "goodbye". Except when I'm putting you on a plane to leave me. Yep, I cry every time. Love yoooooooooooou. xox
from atwowaydream :
not to be all annoying-older-sister. . . but no drunk driving, girlie. :::cracks textual whip:::
from avantbedroc :
Sydney, Australia :-)
from avantbedroc :
inDEED, it evens out :)
from call-me-out :
Your note made me smile. <3 xox
from atwowaydream :
aren't they a little slice of heaven? i'm glad that you like them as well, that makes me feel good. it's so hard to find good, true music. the kind that can just. . . break your heart with not just the lyrics but the banjo litanies. :)
from atwowaydream :
thank you. don't worry, The Bachelorette makes me feel a little ill too.
from abetterme33 :
what part of canada are you from again? do you speak any of the languages they speak in indonesia?
from abetterme33 :
what program did you go through? did they help you with placements or did you find the jobs yourself? i haven't actually started my program yet. it begins in about a couple weeks. i was thinking of getting my celta cert. then i thought about going through i-to-i.
from abetterme33 :
my dear des, are you an english teacher? because that's what i'm going to school for now.
from shoot-down :
<3
from call-me-out :
come back to this side of the ocean, goddammit!!!!!!! <3 Kim
from chalkstain :
is it going okay, love?
from chalkstain :
take off. for sure.
from abetterme33 :
you should read the book...it's pretty epic.
from dustofsnow :
i hope you have a good weekend too. yay for the teaching aisle! overpriced but extremely plentiful! (and probably more so on their website)
from abetterme33 :
in regards to "nobody puts baby in the corner"--that's sad. i hope that's not true
from dustofsnow :
Yeah I think that conversation was part of what kept my food in my stomach. :) Sorry to hear your place of work is closing...
from dustofsnow :
thanks. :) that actually makes me a little less nervous. keep your fingers crossed!
from chalkstain :
for sure, i did. happy oh nine, petal.
from abetterme33 :
i'm sorry des...
from all-sewn-up :
I don't think I even pretended to be happy for him at any point...at any rate, all I can remember is waiting for it to go away, and when it didn't I started in with the "you're too young to get married" lectures...which didn't work.
from all-sewn-up :
It feels bizarre saying this, but I know exactly how you feel. For seriously. I broke a lot of things, personally...it's therapeutic.
from all-sewn-up :
Jeez, I hope so. I've missed bitching in a public forum. :)
from lobo21 :
I never thought of the world sneaking up on me and ambushing me. Hmmm wonder how I can get that to happen. They song say to "throw your arms around the world.." yet I can see how nice the reverse would be. Then again, like you say to have it "crash down on me and never let me go" sounds good too. Thanks for the note. Good luck on your New Year's list.
from salution :
you're familiar in that you added my previously kept diary (die-electric). in turn, your diary roused my emotions. haha. thank you, it's nice to know.
from lobo21 :
Hello. Like Wolfish I wandered by and instantly wanted to read more. Maybe glimpses of other peoples lives are all we are meant to have, or maybe we'll make efforts to leave more notes and communication, and connections will be made. Hope you get your kisses, come to think of it, I hope sometime I'll get mine too. Take care.
from dustofsnow :
Thanks lust, I really like yours too. Are you a writer? Tell me, how do you make someone a favorite? I've forgotten how, haven't done it in about 7 years!
from chalkstain :
you are such a beautiful young lady, missy. merry christmas, love. ♥
from wolfish :
hello, i stumbled onto your diary and decided to become permanent reader. hope you don't mind me adding you to faves... take care-
from chalkstain :
Im not sure that its necessarily that that makes me nervous about the whole thing. Life is a big bundle of nerves for me some days, and Ive never been sure why. Thats great about the interview, but you wrote an entry a few days ago about it all falling through - it wasnt the move to China, was it?
from chalkstain :
Thats good. It really is. I remember when it seemed like nobody anywhere, in the whole world would ever be happy again. I guess we get into that frame of mind, sometimes. Yeah, its okay I suppose. I dont know why, but it makes me so so nervous sometimes, and it really shouldnt. But its interesting sometimes, and its something that I can take with me forever. Any luck with the interview?
from chalkstain :
i haven't left you a note in forever. i hope everything's been good. you seem so much happier now, i think. that's good. really good.
from officehours :
I work as a tech for a bunch of different live theaters. Most would say I specialize in the electric portion but I do just about everything. Right now, we're making christmas in my home base theater. That means a lot of lights. More than should be legal.
from dogbones :
Want to draw attention to your diary? Check me out! I can help! If you don't then ignore this note and just think of it as a Kudos ;)
from abetterme33 :
well, honestly, i didn't think it would be so "textbook", if that makes any sense. i wasn't expecting textbook cliche' at all...but it was in many ways. mandarin is some tough stuff dude. don't they say its the hardest language to learn other than english?
from abetterme33 :
well, it's different than I thought it would be. haha. How are you doing? Are you still working on your writing?
from rigbyeleanor :
thanks for the compliment, and the add. i'm looking forward to reading you and learning. -er
from breathelilac :
Wow. I can't believe you still read my diary entries. You're lovely and thank you for kind empathetic words.. I do want to drop everything.. But, as you know.. We all can't just do that. But, if you can do that, then I envy you.. It does seem the sanest thing to do right now. We're crazy not to do. I hope you're well, sweetheart. Xx
from all-sewn-up :
Thanks for the get-well wishes. I'm feeling a whole lot better today...just full of mucus. I went through two and a half boxes of Kleenex just between noon and ten-thirty today.
from abetterme33 :
things are good dude. hey, can i have your myspace again?
from uvlightlove :
i have three stars going up my ribs. im planning on getting three more to the very top since they stop halfway up. but i dont even wanna think about having to sit through it again.
from uvlightlove :
wow your tattoo is beautiful. the one i got on my ribs hurt a ton but i wouldnt know if it hurt less then getting your face threated. is that your first one?
from abetterme33 :
hi ms beautiful!
from all-sewn-up :
it was fifty dollars, American, though with exchange I suppose that doesn't jack it up. I've come to understand that people often buy fifty-dollar cardigans, but being a thrift shopper myself I am suspicious of anything topping fifteen dollars.
from vintagepearl :
Glad to hear =] I'm looking foward to summer immensely! After graduation (6 June!!) I can finally leave my parents', and they can't do anything this time. I was going to move to Boston to stay with a boy I've been talking to a lot recently, but I'm going through my doubt / runaway phase; so I'll probably just stay up here with my good friend Ron and work, visit with friends, etc. So much is going on and I'm so excited =] How about you, plans for the summer?
from vintagepearl :
i am THE worst at checking my notes =/ i sent you the new un and pw via email, if it doesn't arrive let me know! how have you been lately?
from loverdown- :
i've been better, to be honest with you. but i guess im dealing...
from all-sewn-up :
someone beat me to it! I just wanted to be all, "your easter entry made me go 'awwwwww' like an idiot, honestly." :]
from painted-eyes :
I really liked your "Easter" entry. The story about the preteen boy was really cute.
from breathelilac :
Thank you for still reading my diary when I actually update it. And, thank you for that kind note. It made my day =)
from all-sewn-up :
I haven't read it but I've heard of it. Now that I'm like a character I'll have to look into reading it, though. :]
from all-sewn-up :
I love John Cusack. I think I inherited it from my mother. I just wanted to say that. :]
from vampirasarah :
You totally rock for loving GREASE that's one of my all time favorite movies.
from all-sewn-up :
I was considering teaching English overseas for awhile when I was younger, but teaching sort of fell off my list of ambitions after awhile. I was thinking China, mostly, at the time, or full-day teaching in Kenya.
from all-sewn-up :
coincidentally, as to your latest entry, so did I. we're covering ancient China in history and I'm scandalized that we don't have time to do ancient Japan before exams, so I've been obsessing. :]
from all-sewn-up :
your latest entry made me smile a little. thanks. :]
from painted-eyes :
Mmm, i love when snow glitters the ground, it's so lovely.
from fuck-buddy :
I reckon my missus just thinks lust is what chinese cars do... You wan lust - you look see car outside - plenty lust there....LOL
from fuck-buddy :
Hey - just stopped by to say I like the title of your diary - Lust - I could do with some of that...
from painted-eyes :
A guy named Corey broke my heart...but that's with an e...maybe Cory's are cute, but a guy named Corey broke my heart.
from all-sewn-up :
I'd be thrilled to spot you a drink, especially if you DID skip the protest. That'd be like a compliment or something. :]
from painted-eyes :
Thanks!
from painted-eyes :
=D A happier blob than when I was an overactive humanoid, pretending.
from painted-eyes :
I never thought I'd be able to say "I love you", not even because of the weight behind the words but because as much of a romantic as I am, I was also cynical at the idea of it. I was hoping that it could exist, but truly doubted it. When you're from a family who has parents who got married for convenience's sake, you start to wonder if true love exists. As far as the job thing is concerned, I'm just too lazy and have no means of transportation to put some applications out there. I just feel like I'm becoming a blob some days, but I think I'm happier than I've been in a long time.
from painted-eyes :
The newest update reminds me so much of the words I wrote after my boyfriend and I broke up...He was the first one I ever think I loved and we exchanged I love you's and rushed into forever's without really knowing the meanings behind the words.
from painted-eyes :
I'm feeling like this can really work. It's only the second week, and we were used to living a thousand miles apart, so I think it's just a really huge adjustment to be this close to each other. Plus, neither of us go anywhere because she doesn't have a car, and I don't have a job out here yet. So, we're in each other's hair a lot. We're getting along a lot better today, but I definitely think we're still trying to get used to each other's presence.
from painted-eyes :
Yeah, I just moved in with my girlfriend...I'm new at all of this, and I think we weren't what each other needed at this exact moment, but last night became kind of crazy, and I feel a lot closer to her than I have in a while.
from abetterme33 :
i like the entry you left on the third. its so true.
from abetterme33 :
hey be-yatch, add me on myspace so i can talk to you there. myspace.com/triggerbear
from abetterme33 :
same thing happened to me. this time last year. that's why i needed to start a new diary. it was hard not to look back and see where i was just a year ago--and just remember everything. now everything is great. i'm great, the boy is great...it just sucks to ever have gone through a time when it wasn't so picturesque.
from breathelilac :
Thank you for that, pretty =) Yes. Well, being sad and keeping away from things and people you love is a waste of time. Being sad is moments taken away from being happy. And, there is a lot of hope for you. You're a good kidd. I hope you're well. xX
from painted-eyes :
Again, I know how you feel.
from painted-eyes :
Hey, I used to cry over the bristles on my toothbrush!!!
from abetterme33 :
i really think you're making the right choice.
from vintagepearl :
Good luck beautiful, keep yo' chin up!
from painted-eyes :
I've seen better days...
from painted-eyes :
I hope that works out for you, hon. Take care of yourself. That's the number one priority.
from vintagepearl :
I am SO EFFING BAD at checking my notes! Eeeh! I've been reading though and feverishly checking Facebook for updates [it's how I roll nowadays or something]. :] Drinking in Canada sounds good, that's where all the kids go because we're about twenty minutes from the border. Grr, I'm still 17, but I shall turn the beloved 18 in July. Kind of far off. But if I'm every in Canada before that.... Yes, I just read your FB note on the Rum Diary, I liked it very much. I even commented, haha. Hope you're well my dear!
from painted-eyes :
Not to roll this out flat and slam it into your face, but I am getting the reassurances needed. Sometimes, you have to be courageous enough to ask for the reassurance, if it doesn't come naturally from him. Good luck, hon, and feel better.
from painted-eyes :
I always fear that I'm not enough. For anybody, but especially the girl who thinks I'm her everything.
from painted-eyes :
I worry so often that I'm going to be falling in love and all of a sudden, I'll realize she's not who I thought she was at all. Or she'll realize that of me...(that's my bigger fear)
from abetterme33 :
i meant to say not unhealthy...
from abetterme33 :
was this like a surprise type of issue or did he tell me about it before hand? i don't really know if its considered unhealthy it one is in a committed relationship with someone else, but that's just my personal opinion.
from abetterme33 :
diary is going locked today. username is: abetterme33 and the password is the same as the old one.
from abetterme33 :
beginnings and endings always seem to be the easiest. i just hope i don't get stuck in the in betweens.
from painted-eyes :
Ah, is Tom Horton's (I hope I got that name right...) a donut shop?
from painted-eyes :
Yay. Do you like donuts??
from painted-eyes :
"It's 'cause of all the Tim Horton's &coffee addicts we have here. People can't help but become addicted to Tim Horton's...they have so much good stuff. (Now I'm craving something from there...)" WHOA, WHAT?!
from vintagepearl :
All my best, dude. You'll figure things out eventually, time touches every moment, every decision. Good luck lovie, I know you'll make the right decision!
from painted-eyes :
Thanks, I usually just kind of disappear for a bit, then wander back.
from painted-eyes :
I'm BACK! with a vengence and a passion for mangos and pineapples.
from vintagepearl :
i requested you :] like ten years later. but STILL.
from chances-are :
please know that its not you, its never you, and not entirely him either, drugs change people, especially over time.
from vintagepearl :
You have facebook? We should be facebook friends! :] I seem to be on there more these days then I'm on diaryland.
from chances-are :
where did this kid come from?
from chances-are :
i'm self conscious. gotta love the mainstream porn industry.
from chances-are :
guh...gotta love the five-year-old groupies. sorry, dude.
from and-darling :
Thank you, my dear. I'd like to say that after reading a few of your entries, you really hit a spot somewhere inside of me. It reminds me of a few years ago when I was in love with a Washington boy. It's what started the drugs and the drinking, really. I hadn't ever done any of it prior to meeting him. I don't know... You seem so beautifuly lost. Please do keep in touch.
from chances-are :
less than jake
from vintagepearl :
Hehe thanks, during this past year I have gained so much confidence, it's hard to believe. Last year at this time I NEVER could do that, but I want to, and I never thought I could go streaking haha but I did and I'm so glad. I've had so many firsts this year and they keep on coming. <3 good luck with everything my dear.
from chances-are :
i love that picture. minigolf is the best.
from breathelilac :
Thank you for that sweet message, lovely. Things are as good as they could be, I guess. I hope all is well for you though. Take care. Love Neen
from chances-are :
that's so cute, i wish i could see more of you guys and not 80% of the scenery!
from chalkstain :
thank you so much for everything sweetness ♥
from loverdown- :
im vry sorry i havent been on this thing for sooo long! of course ive been going through shit. add me to msn: rayzor-@hotmail.com. and ill give you the password to my diary. ! :)
from vintagepearl :
My heart is with you dear, boys are labyrinths.
from those-words :
I'm so very flattered that you added me.. it's nice to know that these words have finally been read. I came here just to write, but it helps if someone also comes along to read it. Thank you so much for the kind note. I also really enjoyed reading your posts. I actually like the one about the toilet. Not to be sadistic or anything, but it was short and straight to the point and I could more than relate. LFA - Love From Australia
from breathelilac :
That's so touching.. Thank you, Des. I believe that, but, I just didn't want to let go. It's somewhat disheartening and just plain heart-breaking. I can only hope that what happened to you and your ex will happen for me and Jess.. But, life is life and surprises us all. I will =) This will not stop me enjoying life and appreciating it's beauty. I hope you're well, dearest. Love Janine xoxo
from chalkstain :
ah i got my labret pierced, y'know that bit between your lip and your chin? so how are you dearie?
from chances-are :
i think your writing is really good. i hope you win!
from painted-eyes :
Honestly and truly, it's not what you think it is...It's more complicated than that...Far more complicated than a single note could say. I'm not in an abusive relationship--don't worry.
from painted-eyes :
They say don't get involved with somebody who hits, they say they don't want you to get hurt, but when the scrapes cut across your cheek, what happens when you think you deserve them? What happens when you know that deep down, this isn't who they are? That they're bigger than their worst mistake? Aren't you supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive? Give as many chances as needed? Or am I just nave?
from painted-eyes :
Just be sure that there are faint smudges, you don't want to forget...don't forget...
from painted-eyes :
I like your newest entry...I often wish there were an eraser in life...you could still see faint smudges, but the dark lines would be erased.
from chances-are :
i hope everything is okay.
from breathelilac :
I'd miss you.
from breathelilac :
Thank you for that kind comment.. I know Jessie and I will work out. It's more a matter of getting through this mess now. I'm very flattered.. And by saying that, I too feel the same way.. You're a good person, with a different heart and noble intentions. I hope all works out for you. I hope you're well. And take care. Janine xoxo
from chances-are :
Ten hours away is a very long distance. You should post pictures of you too. That would be adorable! I keep meaning to buy Tuesdays with Morrie. I think I'd really like it. Boise is in Idaho. I saw the same shirt at Dillards one day. It cracked me up. I was like, "Oh, tourist shirt?" then I read closer and was like, "Aw." I'm Megan, thank you Des
from chalkstain :
i was thinking about you today. wondering what you were doing, i was colouring (who would've guessed?). hope you're okay x
from breathelilac :
That entry really saddened me. Mainly because i know exactly how you feel. I felt your words come out of my heart. I do hope things get even a slight bit better. Keep in touch. Don't stop writing. Don't give up. Please. Take care. Janine xoxo
from painted-eyes :
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your praise, though I continue to feel unworthy.
from breathelilac :
No, dear, your note was very gracious and i was very flattered. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. I do enjoy reading your diary.. I like your perception. And, i look forward to new days of your life. Janine xoxo
from breathelilac :
The mundane becomes poetic. That is a gift. I feel previleged to have read it.
from chances-are :
i read some of your entries today, who is this boy and how did you meet him? Who are your favourite authors/books? Grape? Oh no, my favourite would have to be Blue--I think its bubblegum, or banana. You were/are in Siagon...something that started with an S, I remember, all of these "S" places confuse me so. Nope, not Canadian, are you? I have a lot of olde English influence in me. Spellcheck always has to correct my "colour"s and "favourite"s every time I write a paper. Gracious.
from vintagepearl :
Everything will sort out eventually, I wish you all the best. Someone once told me "Things have to get worse before they can get better. Everything will be alright. Hold fast to what you think is right and you'll be fine." And it's worked alright for me over the past year or so, I'm hoping to pass on the advice. Take care x)
from chances-are :
thank you so much about the add. you must tell me about yourself. what are you favourite hobbies? your thoughts? what your favourite flavour of popcicle is.
from painted-eyes :
Aw, I feel shpecial thanksya!
from vintagepearl :
That list was nice :)
from painted-eyes :
Hahaha, nice. Man, and I was psyched cause I thought we were the same age. I don't turn 20 until July. :(
from painted-eyes :
You're twenty now? Last I saw you were 19...when did -that- change?
from painted-eyes :
Thanks, I'm doing a lot better, but it's appreciated nonetheless.
from painted-eyes :
Ah, exes. Mine and I broke up, and he ended up coming by just because he wanted me, ended up on top of a pool table with him on top of me...So, yeah. Like you said, no regrets. You can learn from just about anything.
from painted-eyes :
I don't know who he is, but all night kissing and whatnot's always fun...right?
from painted-eyes :
Why thank you. I love to write so much.
from painted-eyes :
Found you through chalkstain, just would like to say hi, and I like your writing style so yay, I'm adding you.
from chalkstain :
my heart did a little jump when i saw your name lit up in red after all that time. i hope you enjoyed your getaway. i missed you.
from chalkstain :
des, it's me. please figure this out. i never went away, just started fresh.
from thatgirlx :
Hey, Welcome back!!
from loverdown- :
oh hey i locked my diary so losers wont get on. madagascar_mell@hotmail.com. email me. ill unlock you.
from loverdown- :
hey i miss u!!! well im bak for good for good for good now!!!! :)
from thatgirlx :
i hope you're having a good time. ♥ miss you. ♥
from cheekyash :
imissyou
from cheekyash :
sorry i've taken so long to reply. i've not been in contact with anybody lately. not just people here, but people back in the real world. i haven't been with it these few weeks, it's weird. just thanks for caring. i may have an odd backwards way of showing it, but i really do appreciate it.
from we-made-love :
i just found your note, probably from eons ago, in my diary. I fell off the face of the earth for a while. So, though it's far past due.. thanks.
from thatgirlx :
Birthdays really aren't all they're cracked up to be, are they? Happy twentieth! Do you feel old? I'm twenty.. and I'm starting to feel REALLY old. It's a little creepy, like... I feel like I should have accomplished so much already, but I haven't really accomplished anything at all. Anyway, I hope you had a wonderful day. Take it easy, okay? ♥
from cheekyash :
wow twenty. i'm not going to say happy birthday and leave it at that. it's vague and careless and frankly, it's unrealistic. what i will say is that i hope you have a memorable birthday, for all the right reasons. that it's one day that you can be content and feel okay. and the third wish, is that you can have an *insert adjective here* birthday. in other words, whatever you want out of today, i hope you get it. oh, and here's to hoping it's great cake too ♥
from momma-at-17 :
Good Luck!
from cheekyash :
wups sorry about the double post, that was accidental ♥
from cheekyash :
it was good cake too, my mother made it. i pretended to help. it was for my uncle (and godfather)'s birthday. it consisted of too much food, babies' tears and chat about how well everybody else was doing. all the same, it was more than mediocre. if i ever were to see you, i promise i'd make you the hugest greatest cake EVER. stay safe sweetie
from cheekyash :
it was good cake too, my mother made it. i pretended to help. it was for my uncle (and godfather)'s birthday. it consisted of too much food, babies' tears and chat about how well everybody else was doing. all the same, it was more than mediocre. if i ever were to see you, i promise i'd make you the hugest greatest cake EVER. stay safe sweetie
from cheekyash :
i wish i had your faith. but one out of two isn't that bad, right? and besides, i might not have such fantastic faith in the future, but i've still got a bottle of bubbles here somewhere. one or the other, i'm not pushy :P
from thatgirlx :
thank you. that made me a feel little better. i've been having urges to... a lot lately. a lot. but i haven't cut in so long, i'm just scared it'll suck me back under its spell again. hopefully i can outlast it. i'm glad to hear you haven't given in to temptation either. we rock! ♥ um... stuck in a rut? want to join the club? because i feel 100% the same right now. everything is blah. slow motion. something not quite right. i'm still a little lost, trying to figure out what exactly is going on. anyway *hugs* i'm here if you need me, okay? for anything at all. keep your head up. ♥
from cheekyash :
i feel like writing something here to just brighten up your day, or week. scrap that, to brighten up your whole fucking life. so instead of these past bullshit four seconds you've spent reading this, pretend i said something really fantastic ♥
from cheekyash :
thank you sweetie. and here's to hoping, right? it must be difficult for you i guess, having almost lost her and finished with the boy lately too. i hope you're dealing, or even better, i hope you're happy.
from thatgirlx :
thank you. ♥ i'm glad i didn't do it, too. i was so close. are you okay?
from cheekyash :
about this time last year, i was going through something the same with my best friend. i kept quiet about it, i sort of gave in to the fact that we would be no more, that she had just changed too much. i ended up telling her, and i think it just about broke her heart to hear it, but she understood. it seemed like it changed nothing, but once we almost completely lost each other, we both realised how hard it was. hopefully things work out for you guys. and yeah, it was cool of my dad, but my mother knocked the idea straight away when he suggested it, so i really doubt it now. ah well. i'm sure i'd be too irresponsible to actually take care of it properly and not crash it. i treat fun things as toys, even if they're not. i have to get over that.
from cheekyash :
thank you love. and something about the last line ((canned beans)) made me smile.
from cheekyash :
happiness i can't so much as imagine. contentment, yes. i've been quite content this past week. in a weird dozy way. but still :)
from cheekyash :
that day was odd when i noticed your diary had changed ever so slightly. loves and hates had transformed, just like he'd never existed. in the strangest way, i'm sort of happy for you. i hope you are too
from thatgirlx :
thank you ♥
from cheekyash :
it's too easy to say that we should start at the beginning. honestly, i've forgotten when all the weirdness began. or maybe it was always a work in progress, building up to the major freak show that is now. and yes, my day turned out quite well thank you. how about yours?
from momma-at-17 :
**HUGS** If you ever need an ear, I'm only a note or whatever away. **HUGS** I hope you'll be ok! Take care.
from cheekyash :
"are you okay?". "no". she didn't know what to say to my answer, so she just walked away. they know. they have to know. otherwise, they wouldn't ask. stay safe sweetheart
from thatgirlx :
Thanks for the notes. I forgot I left you one, had to come back and re-read it. I guess I was a little drunker than I thought... It sounds like you're going through a really rough time right now. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Take care of yourself, okay? ♥
from lovetilidie :
Sorry that you're feeling so down. I definatly know what it's like. I really hope that atleast you are able to fix this a little better than me. Best of luck ♥
from thatgirlx :
let me save you some time... it doesn't work. it just ends up making the situation worse. i'm drunk at the moment, and nothings changed. i still feel everything. i still feel the same. take care darling. ♥
from cheekyash :
thanks for the note ♥
from wiltedxdaisy :
thank you for the note. :) i was reading through some of your entries, and i really understand where you're coming from with your relationship issues. i went through the long distance thing as well & things didn't turn out the way i had hoped. it's so hard through, you know. anyway, i really liked reading your words. hope you don't mind. <3 take care.
from cheekyash :
imagine how many people have kissed that damn stone, it just seems funny. i'd love to do it one day though too. i've never seen ireland. just where i live and dublin. work was okay. but my feet hurt and i could do with a few days off to recover :) how are you?
from cheekyash :
i worked in the library in my school for a while, i think i'd be content doing something like that for life. except maybe they'd have to pay me so i could actually live. i like your name, it's not one that's common here in ireland. my name's aisling, pronounced like 'ashling'. it's irish, and secretly hippy (hehe) 'cause it means 'dream'. hope you're not too lonely love.
from cheekyash :
hehe almost as exciting as being a librarian, huh? but thank you. and you never told me your name, maybe because i didn't ask. so i'm asking you now - what's your name?
from cheekyash :
is it possible to mix colours and eventually end up with white? for some reason, i just stopped thinking 'fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuckfuck fuck' when i read your note. just for a little while. thank you ♥ ♥ ♥
from loverdown- :
hi. i miss you.
from cheekyash :
hmm well that vodka magically disappeared two nights ago when i went out, but i'd gladly by another (or two or three) if you still wanted to share. hope you're well.
from momma-at-17 :
Luck! ~*♥*~
from cheekyash :
it's tuesday today. i think it's the eighth. come back soon love. i'm missing you ♥
from cheekyash :
you know what? i probably do deserve it too, and things probably will get better. thank you angel ♥
from momma-at-17 :
Thank you. I love the way that you write, so I hope you don't mind that I added you. But again, thank you for your note. ~♥~
from cheekyash :
hehe thanks. and it wasn't so bad after all ♥
from amazinfuckup :
Do it.
from cheekyash :
sadness is all i really know anymore, but beauty comes few and far between. thank you angel ♥
from cheekyash :
'back to living instead of thinking so much'. if you ever get there, promise to take me with you. and thank you angel, same goes to you. sweet dreams ♥
from skinpacked :
Oh, that's cool.
from cheekyash :
just stumbled across your diary and enjoyed your words ♥
from skinpacked :
Who's this?
from lovetilidie :
I'm doing alright...how about you?!
from loverdown- :
i don't know if u remember me... pushed-over. anyways, im back.
from koi-ishly :
hope you don't mind me adding you =)
from oceans-depth :
blowing you kisses in the wind lovely. xoxo Deja
from solace-blue :
writing as lovely as yours should publicized. if you're interested, i run a writing community [bang-.diaryland.com] and it would be wonderful if you would join us. <3taryn
from ripped-photo :
oh wow that is quite the compliment. thank you! how have you been? <3
from oceans-depth :
Hey Hey Pretty lil dahling. xoxo Deja
from ripped-photo :
nice poem!
from ripped-photo :
missing someone is hard. especially if you dont see them for a really loong time.
from pushed-over :
hey dollface, well no, i didn't end up getting the puppy. it's a sad story, i had the name all picked out ((i decided i was going to call him snoopy)), and then we took him to the vet's and it turns out he had arthritis or something, and he wasn't able to walk properly. and he would have to take pills 3 times a day everyday because he would be in so much pain. :(. isn't that sad? so i ended up getting 3 fish instead, and i named the first one snoopy after the dog. aww, it's so sad. lol. :(. x♥x -mell
from asthenia-- :
i love your username.. i also really like straylight run & boys night out. <3
from pushed-over :
hey! i miss you. haven't spoke to you in a while. ♥
from pushed-over :
mexico was HOTT! i'll write about it in my diary soon, when i feel like writing a LONG entry, haha! how was your holiday??? <3
from ripped-photo :
thanks for the note. =) yeah that is pretty crazy that we both live in canada, are asian and a scorpio. i enjoy reading your diary; and i added you. hope you don't mind.
from oceans-depth :
um heres to hoping you bleed*(does that even sound right).hee hee ok I'll send LOVE instead it sounds less gross. xoxo Deja
from deprecated :
thank you so much, today was a lovely day excluding my stupid math exam
from pushed-over :
hey lovely... i'm doing okay. & i absolutely just fell in love with your last entry. ♥. + tears, and all of that. well i haven't thought of a name to name my puppy yet, so as of today he is "nameless". i haven't officially got him yet, though. my aunt said after he gots to the vets and gets his shots and all that, she will give him to me. so hopefully by this weekend, i can get him. he's so adorable, though. i saw him a few times already, and ahhh... i just can't wait to snuggle-cuddle with him. my hearts sort of falling against calling him matt, considering he is my newest love, but i don't think i will do that. because i know i will get my heart stomped on, or i'll just be crushed... and then it will hurt everytime i think of my dog... but i'm thinking too literal. i know. and then i was thinking of calling him jesse, because we all know i ♥♥♥ jesse, but then my brother started making jokes about jesse in reference to a "dog", so i had to move on to another name, to spare the ridicule. but i want a name that means something, you know. something that means something to ME anyway. bradin. you know, his character on summerland. maybe i'll name him bradin... i don't know, we'll see. & about the concert, uhhh. broken heart. the plans got cancelled, it was 2 weekends ago. i know, i locked myself in my room for what seemed like an eternity and i told my mom i would never come out until she takes me to the concert. but the good news out of that is that my mom agreed to take me to see him in the spring. he is coming back to toronto this spring time, and my mom PROMISED to take me to meet him/see him. AHH, i can't wait!! okay, this entry is mad long... i love ya. ♥
from pushed-over :
hi, i'm going to the concert!!!! ahh. i'm going by train [and i'm sitting right near the door] but anyway to get there is worth it, i suppose. and guess what? my aunt's dog gave birth to puppies last night, and she said i could keep one! :o. do you have any ideas of what i can name her? i'm stumped.
from pushed-over :
i'm always so patient, &i'm always waiting for things to change. i know good things happen to people that wait, but why do i have to wait for everything, for one good thing to happen? all these stupid rules and laws we make upon ourselves, life is getting so complicated. i've had enough of all the complicated stuff, i just want someone to give it to me straight. i just hate being me, already. nothing ever works out for me, because i AM melanie and all. it's just... it's not ALL about the concert now, i mean yea, eventually i'll get over the heart-break of not going, and it will be another one of his concerts i wont be able to go to and that will crack me. but... it's just the fact, that whenever i really really want something, everyone shrugs me off and bribes me with things i dont want.
from pushed-over :
how are you, my love?
from safebet :
thanks. i love your layout. brand new is amazing. <3
from killthiskiss :
*hugs* thank you!!!
from oceans-depth :
Your so damn adorable I swear I just want to hug the stuffing out of you. xoxo Deja
from killthiskiss :
thanks for the note! i love your diary template and your writing, very nice. :] i've added you to my favorites.
from pushed-over :
i love your tattoo. <3.
from oceans-depth :
sending you love and candy sweety. xoxo Deja
from pushed-over :
wow, there is like 4 notes in a row just from me. that makes me feel pushy. but anyway, it's nice to meet you des. [btw, that is such a sexy name... hehe] ;). the job interview was crap, but it was interesting nonetheless. i'm going back next week with my mom to see if i can find a different place that's hiring. speak to ya soon. <3.
from pushed-over :
omg, i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. and oh yea, did i tell you that I LOVE YOU? :P. thanks so much for the comment, i felt like crying from the beauty in it. :(. *tears. i LOVE you. ;). hehe. all of my love. <3.
from pushed-over :
my day was intensely brighter after i got your note. =). thanks so much, you don't know how much your words mean to me. go canadiens! ;). i love you. -xo. <3
from pushed-over :
hey darling, you're diary is beautiful. all my best. -xo
from suicideinc :
you are stunning. intensely.
from cdghost :
whaa-hoo
from amygonecrazy :
eeeee! was so good to hear from you, love. have missed you millions. must have an msn catch up soooon. stay beautiful. xxx
from oceans-depth :
you know you make me smile so big I look silly. And if you want to see beautiful look in the mirror you Hot Potato you. Love ya xoxo Deja
from amygonecrazy :
of course.. name: lust, pass: des. creative, huh? have a great day, love me.
from amygonecrazy :
sorry, chick. making you sad wasn't my intention. throwing rocks is illegal in nz =P... ok, so i'm as lame as you. love amy.
from amygonecrazy :
yes, yes i know. especially since i'm failing most my subjects already. *sigh* if only i didn't like him quite so much...
from shoot-down :
it's okay! i just wanted to make sure you wanted to stay in. some people leave dland or dont want to be in & dont tell me. thankyou so much. it's great to have you still! <3
from amygonecrazy :
hey. thanks for the note. you make me smile. hehe. love from afar, xx amy.
from oceans-depth :
Hell I wish you could travel around with me! Think of all the trouble ummm I mean fun we could have * hehe. Hope things are good with you/ Miss you. xoxo Deja
from shoot-down :
hi! it is the owner of steal--away. i finally got back to my rounds & i know it is summer, but i just wanted to know if you wanted to stay or not. its just you havent updated in a while. thanks
from amygonecrazy :
thanks for the notes. you're the shit, chick. love you always.
from suicideinc :
::blushes:: i think you are beautiful and amazing. there is nothing about you that needs to change. not in the slightest. ever.
from foreverxgone :
hey. sorry for taking so long... you like protest the hero? where do you live? i bought a VHS version of Hedwig @ giant tiger the other day for $6.88. hot damn it was a bargain.
from suicideinc :
:) thank you. you are so amazing.
from suicideinc :
of course! i'm going to add you as well.
from suicideinc :
thank you:). i like the way you write. it has a lot of emotion but it's also amusing and makes people want to continue reading even after you've finished writing.
from forcedhalos :
how cute you're graduating. awwww i'm so proud! ♥ xoxoxox
from oceans-depth :
thanks lovely. your so welcome to come join me anytime you like. xoxo Deja
from oceans-depth :
Hey pretty girl how are you? thanks for the notes coming home friday yeah. cant wait/ xoxoo Deja
from amygonecrazy :
dont worry beautiful, the whole thing's fiction. made it on some diary-generator site. =) hope you're smiling. love amy xx
from oceans-depth :
I feel like that everyday but you deserve it Love your special even when you don't know you are. xoxo Deja
from jadedfreedom :
man. you're note made me giggle like an idiot, at one in the morning :). thankyou. thankyou. i would totally add you as a faves but my computer is so fucked up right now. just know i seeeeee you. xoxo.!
from jadedfreedom :
stop being so hard on yourself! being a teenager doesn't mean getting drunk off your ass. hughughug.
from jadedfreedom :
don't be sad, pretty.
from amygonecrazy :
hey chick, thanks for the lovely note :) i'll let you know whether fund wil lbe required.. lotsa love amy xox
from forcedhalos :
i'm all brown. hahaha.
from forcedhalos :
i'm all brown. hahaha.
from forcedhalos :
haha awww <33333 youre great
from forcedhalos :
<333 thanks for the compliment.
from forcedhalos :
:( eee i want sushi. i'm jealous.
from amygonecrazy :
hey des.. thanks for your message, put a smile on this girls face. catch up with you soon, love amy.
from angryandgone :
I got a new name. I'm hiding from all of Glenpool under this one. You're the only one who kows. I really miss you. Sorry I've been distant. Things at home are really, really bad right now. I'll keep in major touch. Kim
from dopeslob :
you don't know me. but i like your site. becca shares her name with yours.
from oceans-depth :
You say such nice thigs to me* aww shucks hehe Whats Sudbury? I understand all to well about working to much. Have a good weekend ♥ Deja
from forcedhalos :
oh man. i hate cake. but i'm sure your friend was more than happy with the cake and movie and whatnot. so don't worry about wanting to do more. weeeee have fun at...uh...that place. i forgot. haha <3333333
from amygonecrazy :
hey chickee! thanks for the note.. glad to know someone enjoys my rablings :) hope to chat to you again soon. love amy.
from gloryxxfades :
"anywhere with you" is beautiful but the title is deceiving.<3
from oceans-depth :
Thanks sweetie I try. But mostly it just to many things in my head at once so I jot them down. Some make sense and well other just make me laugh. I understand what you mean about people butchering your name happens to me everyday. I'm Deja by the way Nice to meet you. X♥X♥
from lusting- :
you're such a doll <3. &I love nice people. :DD Har har. I had a wonderful day, how about you? BTW, I'm Becca. :o [ you and i are like... user//name buddies. hehe. :]
from gloryxxfades :
hey good idea. do you have the newer saves the day cd?<3
from oceans-depth :
You are so adorable and I think you and your diary are lovely. xoxo Deja
from mylovedies :
^_^ nice pic =) <3 lol
from lusting- :
ohmygosh. :o Hey there. I don't know you, but I got your user/name off of Char's noterthinger. Yeah. I wonder why I'm... giving you a note.... o_O! Anyway, ... I like your sn. ;] you had yours before me, so I'm the biter. but that's okay. I think I might comment more on your diary. I like your music taste. I'll stop rambling now. ;D -flies away.-
from forcedhalos :
sicko. haha just kidding <333333333333333 butt hearts!@
from mylovedies :
<3 i like trains..and walking slowly ...too
from gloryxxfades :
gosh i cant wait until i can drive so i can go to concerts<3
from forcedhalos :
wooo have fun!
from gloryxxfades :
hmm you could find it maybe at best buy for really cheap. thats where i got it. &its $8 on their website. OR, just listen to the whole damn thing for free on their site. options! ohh &hows toronto?<3
from steal--away :
yr welcome! sure, i see you are fit for the site. heh. my email is: lorienlove@comcast.net & i will send you all the details. Thankyou!
from forcedhalos :
what show? ♥xox
from dombilly :
yr writing is beautiful. you should join us, at steal--away.
from forcedhalos :
<33333 i love you des!
from cdghost :
pretty words and layout.. enjoyed reading your entries ...
from gloryxxfades :
jamison parker is hott like woah! do you have their ep?<3
from gloryxxfades :
hello♥
from forcedhalos :
i ♥ you desiree!!! you're the best. thanks for the note. it made me smile. :) i hope you're doing okay. <3333333 have a nice weekend!
from andblack :
yes it was awesum! Hes so goddamn sexy i just cant even stand it!!! luv the layout! :) ~anna
from aliblogs :
i went to a FATA show back in november and it was awesome! hope you have fun :)
from yoursafebet :
aww, thank you so much for the birthday wish, dear. ♥
from xsparta :
you like boys night out... i saw those guys... effin awesome... check you later
from forcedhalos :
i miss you! ♥rachel
from yoursafebet :
aww. hang in there. i know exactly what you mean. my mother is the same way. <3
from yoursafebet :
awww. thanks. :) <33 take care.
from wovangel :
I like your poem/what you'd like pece, it's cool. :D Thank you for the note by the way!
from wovangel :
Hey, just read your diary, there only like 3 sentince peces though, but there nice!
from yoursafebet :
hey, i am in love with your layout. good taste. ;) thanks for leaving me that lovely note. you seem pretty darn awesome. well have a nice day.
from enderatlast :
How did you get the scrollbar to appear inside your table? And if you don't know, that's fine. PS. Your diary rocks and so does BN.

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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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