DiaryLand members area

So glad I logged in today to see if anyone updated. And you had! Yay! I'm so glad to read things are going well for you. I've made some big changes myself! I live in LA now! I hope you will continue to update now and then.

from jaysthoughts :

Just checking to see how many diarylanders still actually check their notes and stay active.

from dangerspouse :

Best of luck to you in your travels, if this really is it for you here. I'm glad you found happiness, and I hope it lasts.

from avantbedroc :

there is really no boundary between our selves and everything else in the world. breathe life.

from alethia :

DUDE. If you're seriously thinking about jumping, you should go talk to a trained professional. It's hard to see what's in your own head when you're on the inside looking out. It helps to have someone who knows what's going on looking in.

from alethia :

I also have watched that video, and I have no idea what it would be like. When I surprised my mother coming home for Christmas one year, she looked startled, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and then said: "I guess I'll clean out your room, then, shall I?"

from autumnrein :

Truth. Always the truth. True to yourself, and to others. Books to recommend!: #1 "The Shack" It's slow in the beginning but gets good in the middle. It's a very comforting and thoughtful book. #2 "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. Just...well....wonderful and interesting ideas. #3 I hear "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is awesome. I have yet to read this one. My coworker said it was so SLOW in the beginning, but then once it got good (and graphic), she stayed up till 1am finishing it. That's all for now:-) I'd love to know what books you write and have written. I'd have a blast reading someone's book whose journal I get to read. Or who knows...I might just have already read one of yours.-Andrea

from moodswing :

you've been here a long time.

from autumnrein :

I just...read through some of your entries from wayyyyy back when and tried to catch up a little bit on where you are in your life. I guess I am keeping an eye on you too now.:-)

from pretenses :

silly you. the apartment doesn't demand anything, just like having an SUV doesn't mean you'll have to race across a bumpy jungle track. thinking of you having outgrown the windows made me see alice with that confused look after she took the growing potion

from autumnrein :

I like your quote from that unknown author.

from lorster :

http://shesawake.blogspot.com/

from lorster :

did you get my email today?

from lorster :

J...wasn't at work today. Will email you tomorrow with the keys, yes? I miss you and love you. You haven't changed your email have you?

from kodachrome :

did you get my weepy email from April the 14th? Congratulations for the standing ovation. It's okay to be disappointed but why should it be your fault?

from lorster :

ok, let me preface this by saying that i may have had one or three cocktails... i miss you so much. i wish you still wrote regularly. i miss your emails, i miss your smile, i miss your hugs, i miss your sense of humor and dammit i MISS YOU. can't you at least get a facebook or something so at least i can tell if you're still on the planet? *sigh* hugs, J. i love you. yes, i do.

from lorster :

you only made it as far as edmonton and yet you say cal-gry like a local. ;)

from annanotbob :

All the best x

from lorster :

you forgot something: awesome hugger.

from kodachrome :

The email forwarding service from diaryland doesn't seem to work. You can write me at [email protected] anytime

from kodachrome :

My flat is on the 5th floor. After picking up the mails I overshot all the way to the 6th floor because I was too busy smiling, and as I realized my mistake I laughed into the still of the staircase chute. Thank you for the postcard. I've turned the diaryland email address on, like kodachrome@diaryland.... 27-Jan-08

from dbfeb :

It won't crash. Keep thinking that. Oh great choice of a car.

from annanotbob :

Hello - I just clicked on your name in the box and want to wish you good luck in your new home and new life. I've only read back to the entry about solitude in Sept, but already I'm hooked on your quiet determination. Best wishes

from lorster :

Wishing you the happiest of Christmases, and sending you all the love I have in my heart, J. Christmas hug? Too late, can't say no. (((hugs)))

from kodachrome :

I had a sweet dream three nights ago. You came to Berlin for a visit. The details are, usual for my dreams, blurry but I remember how happy and excited I was as I woke up. Tja, dreams... Why didn't you reply?

from kodachrome :

I sent an email to what I believe to be your email address.. did you get it? Then I sent it to your diaryland address as well. Anyways, a happy belated birthday, Jason.

from lorster :

just a quick not to wish you the happiest of birthdays, J. miss you lots!

from twids :

Missed you, too. :) I thought you had packed it in as well! I just didn't really have much to write there for a while (a long while!), but I guess now I do. We'll see. How are you?

from hulamoons :

reading this made my heart smile for you, my dear friend. it made me feel calm, made me feel hope, and for some reason made me well up with tears. thank you for sharing your journey, m'dear. i love that you did this. it's a beaufitul picture... brave alone you on your beautiful island...

from lorster :

i'm always pleased in the deepest hidden parts of my heart when i see you have a new entry up...and now i'm smiling more too. for me it's cause you're in my life. love you J. glad you found that perspective. proud of you.

from kodachrome :

hi j. i never knew for sure when people talk about me in an oblique way, so. i did try a few times to call you on your mobile because i'd lost your home number. i'm sorry aqbout everything. o found the song lyric to dave matthew's crush and he asked if it's a letter from you to me, no no no, i said. i never heard from you since a long time.

from madrigle :

I'm worried this is your letter goodbye... save the line about rubies, a rare and special gem. I know you will find many, many such treasures within yourself. Your nowhere in the middle of nowhere should be the theme for your painting... I'll place your rubies there. HUGS sweet jason.

from lorster :

find what you need, leave the rest.... catharsis rules love you, J

from lorster :

it's a long story...but it's nothing sinister... i'll email it to you in the morning, J. by the way? it's so good to have any kind of contact from you... i miss you terribly.

from madrigle :

see, i always knew your a handsome chap. hugs.

from lorster :

hey, there's the guy i got to hug!!! i miss you, J. you still have my email address, right? (yeah, that was a hint...lol)

from madrigle :

Crying is good, and healthy, and cleansing. Take a deep breath. HUGS. You so need to email me about the painting. HUGS

from madrigle :

OH Jason, nothing makes me sigh like your writing does. That was beautiful in a mournful longing sort of way. I hope they are holding hands too. HUGS. P.S. did you email me about the painting? I haven't gotten anything if you did. talk to you soon.

from madrigle :

Of course the offer still stands! Hugs. Contact me at [email protected],HUGS to you Jason.

from madrigle :

So, I've been having these dreams of you. Well, not so much dreams, but those lingering thoughts when you first week that might be remnants from a dream. You know what I mean? So, yeah, in these 'dreams' I'm desperate for you to have one of my paintings and your equally enthusiastic. It's been several weeks now and the feeling is still lingering. So, Dear Jason, I have a proposition of sorts for you. If you will give me a approximate size and a theme like, "rain" or "storm clouds on the horizon" and ASSUMING that you would actually want one of my atmospheric abstractions I'd love to do this for you. A token between two bloggers that have 'known' each other probably longer hten most in this virtual world. Hugs dear diaryland compatriot. James

from madrigle :

Heya sweetness. As far as friends go, let people love you. I'm sure your more friend worthy then you let on. I'm a pretty cantankerous friend myself prone to NOT calling or hanging out for months... which I know you have mentioned as a particular behavior that bothers you in the past. I guess my defense is that I'm a more . . . attentive? friend when I can be, and I'm a better friend for listing to myself about when I can and can't give of myself. ANYWAYS, no, I didn't know about the new Anne Rice book till you dropped your note to me. HOW FUCKING EXCITING! I checked out her official page and their is a very lengthy explanation of what she meant in that interview and that people shouldn't blow it out of context. Basically it boils down to the fact that she is still dedicated to only "writing for the Lord" and that if she does write another vampire book it would be with that in mind and that it's central them would revolve around redemption and that the vampires would not be able to go on behaving as they behaved in the past. I love her mind. I love her books. I can't wait to read the new book about Christ out this coming week and any future vampire books. I mean, everyone deserves a bit of redemption. Right? Hugs my most talented and intelligent friend. The new boyfriends modusaparundi seems to be all about spoiling me and he's mentioned more then once that he's going to take me to san fran so maybe meeting will actually one day be on your turf. ;) I know, I know back to the kitchen to concoct that chicken salad of yours. :D

from madrigle :

hmm, is this a homework assignment? I'll see what I can concoct. I'm not a fan of chicken salad swimming in mayo, infact mine is pretty dry, really dry. I just put enough mayo to brighten the flavor... but I like mayo and evidently you don't. Bassem was fond of making tuna salad with vinegar and olive oil onion and tomato... it was scrumptios. I bet a similar treatment of chicken salad would be good to especially with some bright flavored fresh herbs nipped in like chives or basil. HUGS!!! it's great hearing from you. james.

from kodachrome :

Merry Christmas, Jason. The other day in Barcelona an American couple dined next to my table. I thought somehow he could have been you, although I suppose you would have flown back on the same day because Barcelona is frightfully full of tourists. I enjoyed 2006 with you much, the postcards, the email, even SMS! and Christmas. The more I am sorry that 2006 is the complete opposite. But what is to be done, you are you and I am a lazy procrastinator whose number of good intentions is much higher than that of their realizations. It saddens me but I think we just have to accept it.

from lorster :

merry christmas, J. Miss you like crazy.

from madrigle :

"Hear my whispers and carry them like birds into tomorrow." I love that line, Jason. It is such a simple, beautiful string of words. Hmm, I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for a 'intimate relationship' atleast, not in the romantic live and share life together sort of way. I think I've become a full fledged hermit, my closest friends don't bug, but then again I don't LIVE with them. that's my biggest fear, that' I've become so selfish that sharing space with another would only make me resent them. bleh. HUGS!

from madrigle :

yeah, don't push it away. Hugs, Jason.

from lorster :

Happy birthday, J.

from madrigle :

weird. i just realize I write you nearly once a month to the day. Or atleast for the past 3 months, I didn't look back further. Brings to mind not-green-eyed-man and his I'll talk to you every 3 months habit. strange how are lives can be so timed without us even knowing it. HUGS. 10/11/07

from madrigle :

haha, don't tease me about meeting unless your serious. We've talked of this before you know. don't read any bitchiness into that. I just think it would be really cool to finally meet face to face, although I think my writing is much more interesting then my in person me. it might be a charm breaker. :P HUGS!!! 10/11/07

from madrigle :

LOL, you are so correct about Robert, Jason. I guess my self esteem sucks, cause even after all that shit, it took validation from my friends to realize, with out a doubt, that I wasn't in the wrong here. *sigh* it does bug me though that someone that made my heart race so ended up being such a dweeb. how are you? i had a dream of deep blue walls the other night. I think it was your office. HUGS. james 9 10 07

from lorster :

oh my. hapiness envelops. are you really back? just might give me a reason to want to write again. Can we have a phone date one of these days?? need to ask you a question or five. missed you.

from madrigle :

Jason, firstly I can't tell you how PLEASED I was to see you in red on my buddy list. It brought a huge smile to my face. As I was reading I was really touched (doesn't seem the right word) by how little you seem to realize how much people like you, appreciate you, look up to you and how stressful you find it trying to live up to their expectations. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. If you don't want to write another word ever, so be it. You ARE wonderful and would still be an amazing, accomplished person. *** I don't know how to respond to your note or even how old it is. Your words mean so very much to me, that you recognized my accomplishments, thus far, makes them even more meaningful to me. My first professional one-man-show is next weekend. I can't tell you how excited I am! I really feel like this is the start of something bigger in my life. The cusp of my reality, the me I'm really supposed to be. This may sound odd, but right now, at this very moment there is nothing more I'd rather be doing then giving you a big old bear hug . . . even though I know you hate hugs. ;P

from madrigle :

wow, the new office sounds amazing! good for you jason, you deserve it, truly. HUGS, James

from floodtide :

Don't know if you're still checking this? I e-mailed your d-land eaddress; hope it reaches you. Love, ft

from rockymtrangr :

On a whim, I checked out your page this morning and saw your exit post. You seem to be in a great place, and I wish you nothing but the best. I think you're overdue, but it looks like you're about to collect. Take care. And if you'd like to see my new page, let me know.

from kodachrome :

And I of you. I am excited about 3 Jason (yes, yes) but I force myself to be patient.

from twids :

I am furious at you for leaving just as I am returning...but how can I blame you? Best in the new year, correspond if you get the chance. You still have my email address, right?

from madrigle :

Jason,James? me James? I'm flattered if so. (please let it be so) I think you have grown, a new home is very fitting. On other topics, glad you had a great New Years. I did the whole family thing this year, which was mostly perfect. My dad spazzes cause I spend all day in the kitchen, he told me, "Next year i'm cooking and your resting." I grinned at him, "Dad, this is my playground. I love doing this, plus I don't have to do the dishes." we both chuckled. We had fish fried like grandma does it, black eyed peas simmered slowly in chicken stock with carrots, celery, onion, bay leaves, peppercorns, thyme, and saffron for a lovely color; mixed greens wilted in a carmelized onion and chicken stock reduction, and homemade hushpuppies. Mmm.

from yngdivorcee :

Hello, Such a drastic end, I am at a loss for the words to convey how very much I have appreciated and enjoyed your words, your ride. Thank you. I am sad for myself to miss your writings and at the same time so very happy that you have decided to move to another next level. You have been truly remarkable, thank you for sharing your life with courage and conviction. I do not think you know - and at the same time think you must know how far you have come and what an admirable human you are. Live humanity and enjoy. to your future successes, and the rest of the ride, v.

from cantilever :

All the best, and thanks for a lot of interesting things to read.

from kodachrome :

I am writing from Leipzig, haven't been in Berlin long enough to write a proper thank you letter for the book you sent. I read it during our three days vacation in the Saxony Swiss, right next to the Bohemian lands where Henry chased his history. A compelling book that I can imagine rereading, I love it. And I am glad you like the video, it will be hard to keep up the performance next year but I'll have 360 days to think it over. Have fun in NY!

from ataraxxia :

I, myself, get anxious about buying gifts for people. I never think anything is cute, funny or personal enough. There are few people who are blessed with the ability to find "the perfect gift" everytime. Those are the people I want to beat with blunt objects. Chin up! I love your diary

from kodachrome :

Compulsive masturbator wanks while he's watching South Park, or the 9 pm news, whatever. He jacks off when he's worried, he chokes the cherub when the internet connection isn't as fast as it should be. He beats off to the persistent beeping of the alarm c(l)ock in the morning and beat his meat in order to fall asleep. Other people walk in the park, the compulsive masturbator buffs his banana. Other people go for a movie, guess who's flogging his frog. The list goes on and the compulsive masturbator diddles on.

from madrigle :

oh holy night IS lovely. I also really like carol of the bells, although I find it's minor key (I'll pretend I know what I'm talking about) a bit melancholy.

from madrigle :

That fucker. Jason, I hope you slam the door on his face next time, or better yet don't even open it. I wish you had a rotweiler to sick on his ass, actually a rotweiler trained to go for the family jewels. HUGs, james. 12/4/06

from cantilever :

He hit you? Is it permitted to ask why you did not call the police?

from miedema2002 :

Hi, I like your banner. Beautiful layout! I am just looking around here. ttyl

from sketty :

Well helloooo there. I TOO clicked on your banner and dropped by for a nose around. Good banner!

from prettytear :

hey i clicked on your banner. you really have an interesting blog here. i like the pictures of your desk. i just bought a macbook and now i'm totally in love with it :) will be back bye for now~!

from minstrelite :

Wow, that was really useful...thanks for showing us the photo of your desk. I at least need the yellow sticky pad and the spiral notebook, if I'm ever going to be a *real* writer. I wrote a play recently (well maybe not too recently) and it amazed me how helpful it was to simply print it out & sit down with a pencil and read it, making little adjustments as I went. But my tendency has always been to do everything on the computer, and that only goes so far. You know what they say: He who lives by the computer, dies by the computer. o;)

from lorster :

shit. you aren't home.

from kodachrome :

I like it that there are more pictures in the entries. I mean just look at your desk, it's so tidy!

from floodtide :

I sent you an e-mail, and I think I included my password if you wanted it. Did you get it? Please let me know. ft

from floodtide :

Didn't know until this morning: Happy birthday, far-away friend. I'm glad it was a good one. If that's what you want, I hope you get the opportunity for a good long look at Mickey... Love, gwm

from madrigle :

LMAO. The metamorphosis of Jason. 10/29/06 Yes, there are pedals on the air plane. Dated a canadian air pilot for a good long while.

from kodachrome :

I was worried for a second (no, actually longer, am a worry wart) that 1) the letter didn't get there because I sent it more than a week ago 2) that I sounded too overwrought but now that I've got your pledge it's all good now. Have a nice trip, cowboy.

from kodachrome :

as-tu re�u ma lettre?

from lorster :

Hey J... where are you? Did you get my email? Miss you.

from kodachrome :

oh you fool. i am still waiting to hear from you.

from pischina :

"American Gods" Neil Gaiman. "Good Omens" Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. "Beloved" Toni Morrison. "Handmaid's Tale" Margaret Atwood. "The Kite Runner" Khaled Hosseini. "Cannery Row" John Steinbeck. "Hotel New Hampshire" John Irving. I have lots more! (Guestbooks haven't been working)

from madrigle :

doh, I hate that these don't record the time and date. 9/18/06

from madrigle :

ahh, there is nothing like a new eddie bauer shirt, especially dark purple ones, my senior portrait is in a dark purple eddie bauer shirt. I hated it at the time, the portrait, now I'm rather fond of it. I'm not very keen on all gay dinner parties. All gay whatever. I got wrangled into a all gay dinner party this coming weekend. I though it was just dinner with a couple of friends. Didn't realize it was a full blown social function thing or I wouldn't have gone. Oh well. Hope you are doing well! HUGS.

from rockymtrangr :

We all interpret and misinterpret things. The best thing I can say is that sometimes you need to give people the benefit of the doubt when they say something. People may sometimes feel like you push them away (myself included), so maybe he was just caught off guard, and genuinely wanted to make contact again. Give him a chance to prove himself right or wrong. And please know that this response isn�t meant to kick you when you�re down. It�s just an observation.

from madrigle :

soooooooooooooo glad to see you back. Glad the books are doing so very well. Many, many hugs to you. 8/9/06

from kodachrome :

You come and go like the summer rain. Was tun Sie? I'm afraid I have to admit that I missed you as well. Was tue ich?

from madrigle :

just about fell off the couch! so glad to see you back. Many, many hugs. James 7/25/06

from jeerodallas :

hope all is well with you. i am sorry for everything. i worry about you and hope you are happy.

from madrigle :

Just checking in. I miss seeing you around dland. :D your a myspacer now aren't you!?! you've jumped the ship for that trendier blogging site. come back from the darkside, sweet jason. ;D James 7/10/06

from madrigle :

Ok Jason, where are you? 6/3/06

from madrigle :

are you swamped? writing somewhere else? madly in love? Hugs. James

from cantilever :

Who won the Pulitzer?

from madrigle :

oh, without a doubt food is much higher on the passion scale. Teaching really isn't a passion as such. It's more of a national service opportunity, in my book. kinda like working at the post office. :) It's so nice to see you chime in. :) And please feel free to give your opinion freely, jason. HUGS.

from twids :

Hey hey, wait!!! Does that mean you're IN LA RIGHT NOW????? It's been so long I barely know how to pick back up where I left off cajoling and pressuring you into a coffee break....

from yngdivorcee :

I think that without a doubt that was your most beautiful entry ever. Thank you for sharing that, as well as the past couple of years of your life.

from rockymtrangr :

It is good to know, and it's even better to believe it. Take care...

from smu211 :

Everyone has specific preconceived academic/practical/spiritual notions regarding our behavior. But, those don't always turn out to align with our animalistic desires. And to that I say, damn it! Have fun, but be safe! And, I am glad that you are not letting it hurt others! Only when harm comes of it, to yourself of more importantly, others...only then does it become troublesome.

from dbfeb :

I really like the regimental blue.

from madrigle :

yeah, I like the idea of getting caught, however I don't think I'd like the actual experience. :D as far as art shows from homes... I could do that. but I'd pretty much be marketing to a local market. I harbor a great want to be known. :D

from madrigle :

LOL, don't get caught with your pants down! :D Hugs.

from madrigle :

sorry, it took me for ever to reply. I'm flattered by your note. You brought a huge smile to my face. I have to admit, I always hoped you would call for coffee while I was in Houston. Anyway, coffee in Albuquerque is equally as fun. And of course you would have to see my paintings in real life. HUGS!!!!

from madrigle :

Jason, it's wonderful that so many positive things are going on in your life. HUGS! to you.

from rockymtrangr :

Amusement parks and shoes...I knew there was a reason I liked you! Thanks for sharing something a little different today. I was smiling by the end of the entry. Life IS good, isn't it?

from kodachrome :

Not a practising muslim but lived long enough in a land where muslim forms the majority and had to play close attention to their sensibility. Or else. 1. I read some comics about the life of muslim prophets. Mohammed was invariably depicted as a glowing circle with some Arabic word on it (presumably it said Mohammed). Never saw any picture of him in any house, no matter how pious the occupant is. 2. I believe it's the insult that caused the anger, I imagine it feels like a foreigner insulted ones mother, only 1000 times worse than that. Maybe it seems like no big deal, itwas not for example cartoons of Mohammed having it on with a warty twenty dollar tranvestite but consider this case: the then chief editor of Indonesian version of Time magazine was ousted by mobs because he published a popularity survey in which Mohammed ranked a measly six after the Beatles and possibly Michael Jackson. I'm not sure if he had gotten rank number 6 if it had been ok, or if the mobs have objected to the Prophet being included in a silly popularity contest, but it goes on to show that they are really sensitive. 3. The crusade? People who adhere to middle age's rules live in the middle age. 4. The Danish newspaper did not have to use Mohammed as their poster boy. If they pictured just another turbaned guy it would have been milder protests against racism instead of death threats in the name of God. They would have made in both case the same statement. It doesn't help that many have seen manipulated cartoons that did not appear at all in the danish newspaper, like Mohammed with a pig snout etc.

from madrigle :

hey jason. I'm glad were exchanging notes more freguently again. anyway. Yeah, this chinese place is incredible and there are things on the menu I have never once heard of. When, that is the owner and cooks name, is soooooooooo thoughtful about every detail. Now, granted, I'm sure the bay area has superb resources for ANY asian chef to be had. That would be INCREDIBLE to go to the place that you discribe. I will visit one of these days. HUGS! james

from madrigle :

Jason! I felt such great saddness reading what your father did. I can't imagine how you felt. I wish I could give you a HUGE bearhug right now, and yet I know that would in no way help the situation, but it's all I can offer you.

from thegay :

Hey Jason - email me at [email protected]

from floodtide :

Dear Jason - I seem to have acquired an internet stalker of sorts, which is why I'm locked down again. If you'll send a current e-address to [email protected], I'll send you a username and password. Love, flood

from madrigle :

Jason, that would be absolutely fabulous. Ehh, social skills, i'm malleable, usually having the talent to adjust. I'm not consistently regarded for my own social graces, mind you. And I mean we've been talking on here for years. I think a Jason guided tour would be superb.

from madrigle :

hmmm, san francisco is my sydney. I long ago promissed myself to not go till I had someone. Now, at this very moment, that seems stupid. If I want to go, I should go.

from dbfeb :

Don't let one situation ruin everything you've worked so hard for. It's not worth it. People will always disappoint but you but a lot of people will also suprise you in a good way.

from rockymtrangr :

Really sorry to hear that things didn't work out. Please don't give up on people, though. Small consolation, but there are a lot of genuine people out there.

from madrigle :

Oh jason, I'm so very sorry things didn't turn out as you had hoped. I know that means little. Hugs to you.

from boredforever :

When you get to the airport look for a 2006 black mercedes ml. If you cant find it you know my # give me a shout. Looking forward to being able to hang out with you.

from f-i-n :

miami's urban sprawl is just as bad....

from madrigle :

wow! a frisson? really? that means sooooooooo very much to me Jason. Sorry, I didn't get back to you sooner, for some reason I had not seen that guestbook entry till now. Anyways, Hugs, and as always, I'm so appreciative of your notes. Hugs. James

from boredforever :

Jason, call me...

from cantilever :

An amazing entry. I have similar feelings about the emotional side of Christianity, but in my own experience it makes it all the more important and true when I am vouchsafed a direct experience of God's love. It is true that a more-or-less mystical experience cannot be sustained (that kind of ecstasy will be reserved for heaven), but it is still real. Be careful not to let it become what the character of Jane experiences in Lewis' THAT HIDEOUS STRENGTH. As soon as her experience passes, she is assaulted by voices that tell her to try and have it again, the tell her it means she is "special", that tell her that she has had an "interesting" experience --- in short, that try to make her categorize that which cannot be. Please forgive me if this sounded horribly pompous, it wasn't meant to be. I just found this entry incredibly moving.

from milkmaid :

I just read the story about your adventures in TGIF Orlando. YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY MY HERO!

from moonsphinx :

Happy for you!

from madrigle :

Whoa! was that entry written by the same Jason I've known? So NICE to see an entry like this from you. HUGS!!!!

from boredforever :

Jason, I very much miss our conversations, I know things can never be the way they were. Just know that I think of you as a friend, and I will always care for you and think of you. You have really touched my life. I am glad you were there for me. I just want to say Thank You, for listening to me. I know I talk alot and yet say very little. There is so much I want to tell you, yet I do not know how. I hope the best for you. God knows you deserve it. Thank You for being there for me. Joel

from floodtide :

Happy, happy birthday to you, sweet and beautiful Jason. Vegas - hooooooo, boy. I'm glad you're enjoying it. Thinking of you with love. gwm

from boredforever :

Happy Birthday Jason

from boredforever :

We going to hang out while you are in dallas?

from madrigle :

I'm pretty sure I've yet to be to a gay bar this calender year. Don't get me wrong I used to enjoy going 2 or 3 times a semester back in college to go dancing, but I identified with the music better back then. Most of the time in Houston I would go to straight bars in Houston to go dancing salsa and merinque. I pretty much hate the bars. I don't get it. I hate standing around breathing other peoples smoke listening to music that sucks, or well that is atleast not music I would choose to dance too. One of my biggest pet peeves when I try to date someone new is when they ask me to go to the clubs when I've been straight up that I don't go to the club for anyone . . . or stay out much past 9 or 10. hehehehe. Hugs to you Jason. Identifying as gay... interesting. When I was young it was the most important part of my self identity. Now.... like you, it's kind of way down the line. It's a small part of me. It drives me nuts when I'm out with gay friends and they make a comment about not going to certain restaurants or spots cause they're not 'gay' restaurants. How fucking rediculous is that. Anyway, again. Hugs to you.

from rockymtrangr :

So many gay men come out in the bars, so that's where their identity is, and that's too bad, but it's also understandable, given the way much of society expects folks to stay behind closed doors with their sexuality. Every relationship has compromises, though, and as long as he's not asking you to check out "the scene" in a backroom" (which is more the exception than the rule in a bar these days, from my experience), then there shouldn't be as much of an issue. There are gay sports bars, country/western bars, dance clubs...you might even find one you like.

from rockymtrangr :

I love the fact that you're allowing yourself to like yourself, and that you've at least put gloves on when you beat yourself up. You're such an amazing person, and you deserve the personal achievements that you've attained in your professional life. I know I'm sounding like some Stuart Smalley affirmation, but it's true. You're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you! One thing, though...let the past be the past. History is not destined to repeat itself unless you let it.

from madrigle :

are you ok? I'm worried about you. Hugs jason.

from madrigle :

I read earlier but didn't comment. Forced outings, that's kind of what it sounds like it basically was, are rarely pleasant. Even if the outcome is positive I still tend to feel raped and violated by the whole experience. That being said I hope, and actually believe, that this will end up being a very positive experience for you. That is my sincere hope and wish for you, atleast. So, I've been here, sitting like a maniac, delete, not delete, and their you go and leave a guestbook entry (finally;) and well, that made my decision. You saw, it so it stays. Besides, my filter has been very porous lately in real life, and I kind of like the not holding back. The blunt statements. The not passifying with the 'i don't minds' or the 'no that didn't bother me' and really telling people how there actions affect me instead. Anyway. Hugs to you jason. Had a delightful conversation with one of the dual language teachers after work, and you came up. Odd, how occasionally people you've never even met work themselves into relevance in your real life. HUGS.

from rockymtrangr :

I've offered before, and the offer still stands. I wouldn't have thought of it as "mentoring", but if you ever just need to bounce stuff off of someone, let me know. And congrats on the upgrade...just make sure it's on your terms.

from madrigle :

Wow! Things sound absolutely incredable for you. The traveling would be exausting I'm sure. Especially for a homebody like me. It's fun to read about you and A3. I'm so not interested in dating right now. It just seems like such a mess to get involved with, plus I have all these complicated feelings for Habibi still that weasel their way to the surface now and again. I'm content to focus on work, which I love for the first time possibly ever, and painting, and the circle of friends I've moved back to. Hugs to you Jason.

from madrigle :

OH Jason, I'm so happy for you. It sounds like A3 is very different from anything you have experienced. HUGS!!!

from madrigle :

hey, sorry to here about your Gil. Loss is always hard, and rarely not akward to help others through. They will appreciate you being there though. HUGS! p.s. love the conception layout, VERY cool.

from dbfeb :

I was laughing and smiling the whole time I read your post. You are a cheap (2 beers got you that buzzed) and fun date. So glad you had a great time and that you're happy.

from rockymtrangr :

I smiled. That sums it up. Congratulations cheapens the thought, as if you were in a competition, but you're not. You're just finding your way. The world awaits you...

from moonsphinx :

You go!

from thegay :

Jason - this is huge. I am very proud of you.

from madrigle :

Jason, http://non-descript.diaryland.com/index.html may be my very favorite diary entry on diaryland. EVER. Hugs to you, my ... what are you? online friend? I feel like you are a friend in some strange way. Anyway. Very, VER Y powerful entry.

from floodtide :

Not only are you not broken or in need of fixing: you are good and gentle and giving and good, and now you are taking small but grand and deeply, deeply courageous steps. No, I take that back: not small steps at all. Huge. And even before I got to the part about coming out, I was reading about your significant moments, and realizing that I'd read about some of them in your diary. And I thought, "how lucky we are, that he shared them with us." With admiration and love, ft

from kodachrome :

someone left a comment on my site. I was overjoyed because I thought it was you but it wasn't. C'est la vie.

from rockymtrangr :

Please remember that if your journeys bring you through Colorado (Denver or CO Springs), you've got a tour guide/dinner companion/resource here at your disposal. Hope your music continues to be liberating.

from twids :

Well, Jason, that might just possibly have been the most entertaining of notes you've ever left in my book. Well done. *grin* Welcome back out west. As soon as you move further south, I'll fill in your dance card and the four of us can go out on the town....

from dbfeb :

It's good to see, well read that you are so happy. I'm so happy that you are doing well.

from madrigle :

hmm, I'd guess the power was off for awhile. Mildew is just nasty. Was so nice to see you back on here. Hugs. P.s. I was always fond of conversations with taxi drivers in Houston. They were almost always nigerian. hugs.

from floodtide :

Hey, and thanks for your note. Would you please delete the previous note from your pages, since it has my home e-mail in it? Meanwhile I'll return you to my favorites list, and hold my breath until you light up in red... I love you, J, and in fact I've missed you. g

from madrigle :

ooooo secret messages. I'm doing cryptology with my gifted kids. I'm so going to love that group. HUGS!

from yngdivorcee :

<smile> nights like these...

from madrigle :

Jason, I feel like a prick and for that I apologize. Your entry just cut to the quick this morning. My aunt, I've been emailing her, but hadn't heard from her in 2 weeks. I don't know how to explain it. Just waiting here on this end with baited breath, hoping she's just been busy and not finally succeeded. Again, I apologize, you just touched a nerve. Many hugs. James

from madrigle :

jason, Damnit, that last line just totally pissed me off. Oh my God, I've had to family members attempt suicide this past year, and lost two others. I know we don't know each other except for what we've shared between us here and it sucks that that is probably as far as any interection between us will ever go, but damnit! People will mis you!

from boredforever :

Jason, it saddens me that you think you have lost my friendship. I very much enjoy the hours we have spent on the phone, and look forward to furture coversations. I truely do care about you and hope that you know that. joel

from rockymtrangr :

I'm in full agreement. Principles and morals shouldn't be compromised just because it's a friend. And who says that the gays aren't moral...

from moonsphinx :

IMHO, It is better to stand up for what is right and endure the repercussions of that instead turning a blind eye. Too many people ignore the horrible things others are put through.

from madrigle :

alex sounds like a total PRICK! Sorry Jason. Hugs.

from boredforever :

Sorry i was asleep when you called. what were you doing up at 4 am? Just fwi, if you get a call from the police they are just doing a backround check on me, no i am not in trouble. Just tell them how great of a guy i am. :p

from boredforever :

I really need you to call me asap, nothing is wrong i just to ask you something and give you a heads up.

from madrigle :

Yeah, it's turning into a charming place. I hope to have everything in it's place soon so I can take some pics. You doing ok? I've always regretted we didn't manage to share a cup of coffee in Houston. Hugs. James

from boredforever :

Sounds good, i will be up there after i get back from dubai. Aug the 6th i get back in town, so will be in dc around the 7th or 8th.

from boredforever :

yet again we will be in the same city. I will be in dc for a week or two. maybe we can hang out.

from madrigle :

My very favorite cousin in the entire universe lives in DC. just fyi. Yeah, I missed that typo, but I caught another about 2/3 through. Can't remember what it was now. I know, I know, "Madrigle caught a type?" you say. It does happen. Hugs.

from boredforever :

Thank you for the birthday gift, love the book, i remeber reading it and watching the movies as a child.

from madrigle :

mmmmmmm, hope you are having fun in New orleans!

from rockymtrangr :

I'd forgotten you have the cowboy "taste". Hopefully they'll be more appropriately attired when the temp gets below 100.

from twids :

Glad you erased the messages. Spec sucks.

from boredforever :

I see how it is, come to dallas and not even tell me so I can't stalk you. Could of at least given me a heads up, so I could look out at my window and look for you on the grassy knoll. :P hoped you enjoyed you time here, maybe next time we can hang out. btw, the invite to dubai is still open.

from twids :

Heh. I'd hug YOU if a)I could find you and b) I thought for one minute you'd let me....

from rockymtrangr :

It's good to see you on here again. I hope this feeling of clarity continues. Be well...

from twids :

Well, first of all, that whole dud thing is just sheer nonsense. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Secondly, my LORD I've missed you! Where've you been?! (I ask that as though I've been around all this time, just waiting for you to return from wherever....) As for the jogging bit, I actually had meant to go today but the heat got the better of me. I walked for a bit. Yesterday I did a yoga routine that today has me so sore I can't sneeze without grabbing my ribs in shocking pain. Woops. Tomorrow, I promise, I'll get the lead outta my arse and run, okay? Even if I trip over my own toes and faceplant on the sidewalk. At least I'll go out doing something I've not been able to do in 2 months, eh? Oh, Jason, I can't tell you how nice it was to see your signature in the ol' guestbook. I just...I just missed you.

from lorster :

Where are you? I miss you, J.

from lorster :

Congrats!! Smiling a big toothy grin in your direction. Can you see it? ;)

from dbfeb :

Congratulations!!! I can now say I know a famous author.

from kodachrome :

1. got www.livejournal.com/users/meretrixie ? 2. congratulations on landlordsdom 3. i am still waiting

from madrigle :

YAY, for the closet door creakage!

from thegay :

You should feel good about it. Yay.

from madrigle :

I'm so not liking joel right now. Sorry, j. hugs.

from jhxd :

that was a crazy blizzard, wasn't it. this week they predict temperatures in the 70's and all the snow will melt. welcome to denver.

from boredforever :

Hey sorry i was not able to talk to you... Hope you have a safe trip to ny... And give me a call when you get home...

from madrigle :

it's shitty how those words get hung up in our head. hugs jason. hmm, maybe thats why I paint so much lately. it's somehow more primordial then words. Get you some colored pencils and doodle or something. again, hugs.

from lorster :

Do you remember, a long time ago, I sent you an email telling you how alone I felt, and your replied simply with your number? I was thinking about that tonight.

from madrigle :

I am jason, I am. I'm happy in my resolve to not be here any longer. Hugs.

from lorster :

Please don't send them to Canada. We have enough of our own problems... Miss you.

from kodachrome :

brauchen verhairetete Frauen keine Freunde? Ich wundere mich immer darueber.

from moonsphinx :

Sorry, but this entry really made me chuckle. Take me down to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh, won't you please take me home.

from boredforever :

You know you can always call me too... But, yes I have been pretty busy with the new loft... Hope all is going well with you, I will give you a call later today.

from superlashes :

I know you don't really like movies, but I really think you should see I Heart Huckabees, It can explain the whole meditation, and just help you find your philosophy of life. The key to meditation I guess is just sitting, in silence, concentrate on just your breathing, that's all and pretty soon you find yourself thinking of nothing, your brain stops, it is very unrelatable to any experience I have had. It's a very intimate connection with your infinite self. Sitting indian style is most common with your hands gently placed on your knees and the tips of your middle finger and thumb barely touching. but you can lay down, however you are most comfortable. sorry this was so long, but really check out I heart Huckabees. I think I like reading your diary because you seem lonely yet secure with yourself, and you can just "be."

from floodtide :

Good question, and it took me aback. But the answers are obvious, now that I think about it: (1) there are things that are even less comfortable than a too-proximal elbow, and (2) I'm a complete wuss. Love, flood

from superlashes :

I have recently been pracitcing meditation... zen meditation to be exact, some form of buddism or something. center yourself is very liberating even if it's two minutes. you should try it really puts things into perspective for me and for those moments at least I am connected in a very small, but colossal way....unexplainable.

from for-you-only :

I think hurting those we care about most is something so hard to avoid. ~Pink

from superlashes :

B-E-Autiful words, no seriously. Are you sad? I just want to curl up and eat carrots and read your diary all day. mmmmmm carrots.

from floodtide :

PS: Look at the last pic, the one of me with the cigarette in my mouth: you'll see that very little of me isn't covered lightly but almost completely with fur - legs, abs, chest, arms (shoulders, too, as I get older, even to my back), ass. Not a wookie, but not smooth, either. And you never told me where you got the SHOOTERS thing: I'd STILL love to see that recipe.

from floodtide :

What I wrote on the <Times> site was that obviously everyone, or anyone, can "own" Shakespeare - anyone who will expend the time and energy necessary to mine the seemingly infinite riches of his language. But to ask the question "Who owns Shakespeare?," positing that the answer is either "readers or scholars," without acknowledging that the plays were written to be PERFORMED, not necessarily to be read or studied, is naive at best and insulting at worst. Scholars of Shakespeare tend to be like critics: they divide dichotomously into "right" and "wrong" - which dichotomy is death to art and artists. Obviously, no one "owns" Shakespeare, and at the same time each of us does. Which is part of the wonder and the beauty, yes? Love, ft

from letaboo :

i realized i haven't said hi in a while - just wanted to let you know i'm still reading. sorry to hear you're being shuffled from therapist to therapist. it takes guts just to ask for help, and they don't seem to be considerate of that. keep your chin up.

from lorster :

Hot Australian guy? In "10 Things I Hate About You"? Heath Ledger. Yum.

from kodachrome :

aber ich mag dich sehr.

from madrigle :

Hey J. :) I appreciate your words. Wow, the wedding sounds so incredable. It's so nice to know your still reading. I need to get internet at home again. Hugs.

from trulypoetic :

I love your book lists/reviews...love 'em. :-)

from thegay :

That would be a Ford Thunderbird. Beautiful car. Hot wire it and put it in your garage. How bizarre.

from thegay :

Oh, congrats on the book! That is so exciting. oz

from jhxd :

I love the minimalist redesign. Happy new year.

from floodtide :

I've missed you. I'll miss you again if you leave again. Whatever you may feel yourself to be, you, too, have - are - a story, and you are not a throwaway. Merry Christmas, J, with - yes - love. ft

from ozwald :

Love the new design! Glad you are back writting.

from floodtide :

Hey, babe - a shooter usually means something served in a shot-glass or similar vessel so as to be downed as a SHOT, as you would a shot of tequila or bourbon. So the one described in your menu is obviously crabmeat and gazpacho WITH, I'm guessing, some kind of alcohol - vodka, maybe? Sounds not unlike the oyster shooters I remember from a restaurant in Hartford: raw oyster with vodka and cocktail sauce in a shot glass. Never heard of them as a "gourmet" menu item; I think of them of something frat boys do with jello. Let me know where you got this? I'd love to see a recipe. Love, ft

from dbfeb :

I think you may be mad at me because of our different political views but I still don't understand why your opinion means so much to me and why I feel like you're one of my friends. Happy Birthday. I mean that really. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you are here for a reason that maybe you don't realize yet. DB

from floodtide :

Happy birthday, sweet man. Love from me.

from jhxd :

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shrimping&r=f

from jhxd :

LOL... Your iPod dilemma is one I wouldn't mind having. Enjoy, lucky one.

from floodtide :

I'm sorry I offended, and you know I think that you're neither foolish nor stupid; I'm smart enough to know that you're a hell of a lot smarter than I am. I thought it was clear that I refer to the political wing of fundamental Christian America that somehow thinks it's "Christian" to wage war, to wave a "We're Number One!" flag. I do feel something like true hatred for James Dobson and his followers. I'm not happy that that's how I feel, but there it is. And yes: I think they're hopelessly wrong, and that their politics are antithetical to virtually anything taught by Jesus.

from sabathine :

angels in america for preorder on amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0001I2BUI/102-7016948-9314529

from floodtide :

Hey, J - WHICH translation of Anna Karenina? I've been thinking of re-reading it, and the title keeps popping in your diary, seastreet's, in conversation. Add to that the fact that long ago a forgotten student borrowed my copy and I never got it back, and I'm hungry to purchase a new edition: which one are you reading, the one you said you like so much? I'd love your input. Love, FT

from boredforever :

Thank you for the note and no I did not roll my eyes. Give me a call when ever you are free so we can catch up. Hope things are going well in D.C.

from midnighthope :

glad to be reading again. : )

from zaziel :

I sent you an email, perhaps your spamblocker ate it? Or you are keeping your diary truly private. Well, then. I'll take with me the impressions of your honesty, courage and generosity.

from midnighthope :

I hope you are okay! I miss reading you and I hope you are doing well.

from emptyhouse :

if you want to send me a password, email me at [email protected]. but please, email me also if you are no longer letting others read you.

from acornotravez :

Can I have a p-word, please?

from jhxd :

LOL. Your loyal readers ask for a password. Hope you're doing well; if you've gone offline permanently, best wishes. You lead an interesting life.

from emptyhouse :

i notice you're locked up...hook me up with a password?

from ophilia :

I will miss being a loyal reader.

from nodoubt :

Um, yeah...password, please? I'm going crazy every time I click on it and the password request comes up. Unless you don't want me to read it, then I guess I'll say have a nice life and I'll miss reading it.

from symbiotic :

i've been reading you for a while and now that you've locked up, i really hope you'll give me the password. your words are absolutely beautiful and I miss reading them. (email=monica1110 AT diaryland.com)

from rockymtrangr :

If there is a password to be given, consider me standing there with my number. If there isn't, I hope all is well.

from ozwald :

Password? Password? What? Gimme! [email protected]

from floodtide :

Hello, friend. Sent an e-mail but haven't heard from you so don't know if you got it. Perhaps you are choosing not to respond, or don't have time. Is it presumptuous to ask for a password? I'd be grateful. Will still think of you, even if the answer must be no, with love. ft

from emptyhouse :

it's been awhile since i've traveled by plane, but i take the bus all the time. usually a good 33% of all passengers bring fast food with them, and yes, it induces nausea beyond all reason. french fries give off the oddest, heaviest grease odor that has a penchant for nestling into whatever clothing it can find. trapped in a small space with an unforgivable smell is indeed horrifying. hope you experience better aromas today.

from dbfeb :

Again another entry that makes me think. I wish that I could compose words that way that you do but I guess that's your profession. I look forward to reading you every day. db

from secretplayer :

...still reading :) - Try 2.79 USD/gallon, or 99.9 cents a liter (Canadian) by end of work day today...the day started at 90.4 - you can imagine, I also filled up. back to your pages... and thank you a smile crossed my face as i realized I was not the only one.

from emptyhouse :

hey there. you're literary, and i am wondering if you have read any gabriel garcia marquez and whether you could recommend a good translation of "100 years of solitude"?

from nomad625 :

cheers to you. this stranger's backing you 100%.

from how-odd :

i decided to ask three questions partially out of curiosity & partially because you didn't think anyone would ask. 1) how many serious relationships have you been in? 2) do you ascribe to an religious beliefs? 3) what's your favourite book?

from floodtide :

Thanks for the reference. Trust my friendship enough to e-mail? I'd be grateful if you'd respond that way: [email protected] Love, me

from floodtide :

In grad school, doing character mask work, I froze with terror when I realized the character I was creating was not only female - which I could handle - but feminine, which I could not. It was a huge leap for me: allowing myself to be feminine after facing how afraid of that I was, facing how terrified I was of being perceived as effeminate. The funny thing is: I'm not particularly effeminate as an adult (though I can girlfriend with the best of them for a moment or two, when in the mood), but I was a very effeminate kid. Indeed, a sissy. Creating - and allowing, and being, and CELEBRATING - that feminine mask character not only helped me realize it didn't matter a damn, but it made me stand up for that sissy boy I'd been: I was effeminate? So WHAT? The only reason effeminate is "bad" is an artifical and arbitrary and STUPID standard that accomplishes nothing but harm - nothing but harm. Please, Jason, stop equating "gay" with "bad"; there's no automatic connection. And thanks for your beautiful, generous, surprising note. Love and encouragement from ft.

from madrigle :

have a good time! Love, dumbfuck. LMAO ;)

from how-odd :

well, for what it's worth, i wish you luck.

from bttrflychic :

Good luck with Jon.

from ijustmoveon :

Good luck.

from sabathine :

good luck

from floodtide :

Read Defoe's plague year journal when I was prepping to play Dr. Harman in Anthony Clarvoe's "The Living" - an incredible play based on some of the (real) people in Defoe's book. Powerful story not only for its obvious horrors but for its timeless depictions of the often-dichotomous human response to life-threatening crisis. And your description of a day in Seattle is one I'd really love to try. Love, flood

from purex :

Ohhhh, you know what's even better than a McMuffin?!? A MCGRIDDLE.

from nodoubt :

AIM: dressedtokill81 Yahoo: clarkkentatuk MSN: [email protected] E-mail: [email protected] You have four ways to contact me now so it won't be one-sided. I would've IM'd you a long time ago, but you don't have the info in your profile.

from nodoubt :

I feel weird watching the guy go down on me, so that's why this 22 year old closes his eyes...that is, I would if I HAD someone *sigh* I'm sure you really wanted to read this note.

from purex :

Just wanted to say I was reading through your diary and you sound like a really neat guy :)

from sabathine :

I'm not gay, but I am a Christian, and my political beliefs don't... mesh well with other Christians (which is why I don't have much contact with hardcore, right-wing Christians)... but, I just wanted to say that I think a gay singles group would be great for a progressive church to go about organizing...

from floodtide :

The e-mail already came back nondelliverable. I don't know how to translate what you wrote, unless "too late" was simply an indication, added later, that someone else had already won. Can you send an e-address to [email protected]?

from floodtide :

I sent an e-mail, but am not confident it was to the correct e-address. I'd be honored if you'd share the secret-weapon recipe. Let me know if you got the e-mail. Love, flood

from greentealeaf :

geez. you're funny.

from ittybittycat :

Glad your feeling better :)

from ittybittycat :

I found your diary through someone else. I just had to say wow. I know just how you feel.

from dbfeb :

You are human. Life is complicated. If you feel that you are not going in the right direction then you stop regroup and go back to where you were before. Sometimes simple things sound hard but sometimes they are just simple things. It may be easier to beat yourself up than to realize that you want to go or do something different. Good luck DB

from sabathine :

Hey, I just got an email from Amazon saying that Angels in America is available for pre-order.... http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0001I2BUI/ref%3Dt%5Fth%5Fem%5Fpo/103-1937277-9405418

from nodoubt :

I use Livejournal. It should be ratboyclarkkent.livejournal.com, but you have to have a LJ and on my friends list to read it. I only update D-land now with stupid entries once every few months to keep it from being deleted, but I always read your diary even if I don't leave remarks on it that often. I relate to so much of what you say. Paul

from floodtide :

Bette Midler is one of those performers people seem either to love or to hate, but I rather like her. She has an ebullience and an unselfconsciousness that I wish more of us had both onstage and in life. But yes, she is a singer and nightclub performer and was long before she was an "actress." Most of what she became popular for is trash, but: Check out of the "Experience the Divine" CD (a sort-of "Greatest Hits" album). Wonderfully simple and old-fashioned arrangements of "Hello in There," "Chapel of Love," "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," "Miss Otis Regrets," "One for My Baby and One for the Road," and "In My Life" -- every single one of them a gem. I'm quivering with curiosity, though: What Shakespeare play are you taking him to? Love, flood

from yngdivorcee :

Back from Hawaii...I have been reading. There is nothing worse then hearing from someone who you "once" cared for in trouble. I think its the Christian thing that makes one feel responsible to carry the burden of another - and guilty if not. But this theory only works if the person you are dealing with lives by the same rules as you. If they do not they will pray on it and abuse your kindess and goodness, as in the past. Try not to feel guilty - just having taken the time from your day to listen was gift enough; you are too good a person Jason. be as good to yourself as you would be to others. as ever ~v.

from milkmaid :

Re: Gay Marriage... It will never be poly-whatever because it's one and one. It will never be animals, because it's a license two humans can obtain (both must be able to understand language and such to fill out the application, etc.), and it will never be incest because family members cannot marry (genetic screw ups ensue) The ONLY reason people get so up in arms about gay marriage is they can't remember that marriage is a legal contract. NOT a religious rite. Oh sure, you can get married in a church, but just try getting OUT of a marriage without the benefit of a judge... The world will survive just fine if gay people marry. (You might decide you want to do it someday too ya know...) :-)

from bttrflychic :

So what exactly did you end up wearing?

from bttrflychic :

I agree with the previous note: however, I wouldn't suggest a sweater...but that's just me. do you have a nice jacket or coat to wear if it is cool? (remember, I live in TN where it is freezing, so I'm not sure what your weather is like) Please...I hope NOBODY takes offense to this, but I think sweaters just look "too gay". Do you know what I am trying to say? You want to look stylish...and sweaters just don't do it for me. :-) Hope you have a good time!

from nimiiwin :

What to wear? Black or navy semi-dressy pants with a colored shirt, then wear a sweater. Have a jacket and tie ready just in case. Or you could call the theater and ask what people normally wear. :) They'll tell you. Good luck!

from floodtide :

I meant, of course, to say NO hangups can be as whatever as my own... ft

from bttrflychic :

Jason, that is the best compliment one can receive; to know that you aided in someone's education and their desire to complete it. I know how good that must make you feel, and I just want to say congratulations. Teaching can be such a rewarding job, and it seems as if you have left your mark on this world. Good for you!

from nimiiwin :

Aren't you sweet? I don't think anyone has ever called me "sublime" before. Thanks!

from drunkencynic :

Inflammatory, huh?

from dragonblade0 :

hey. stumbled across your diary, seems interesting. i'd enjoy talking to you online if you have msn... give me a shout if you do. all the best, kay.

from floodtide :

Serious and warm congratulations on this DESERVED and WELL-EARNED series of accomplishments. Congrats, perhaps even more, for allowing yourself to feel good about it. I liked the image of the pony on the boat - don't never that I've ever known you to be so PLAYFUL before. Love (really), ft

from yvette18 :

hey there, just saying hello. I am trying to get to know the other sparklers.

from bttrflychic :

I think I understand how you feel about "love". I'm kinda the same way. Sometimes longing for companionship and intimacy and other times I just want to build a brick wall around myself. Don't compromise yourself. I think you are approaching this "relationship" with Ryan II in a very mature way. You are staying true to yourself. Good for you!

from bttrflychic :

In response to your last entry on Dean...a resounding "amen!"

from thespark :

Ok, please e-mail [email protected] way, I will have your real e-mail address. I can e-mail you the password and stuff. OK!

from molzo :

Hey there! Did you get thespark e-mails I sent?

from thespark :

Hey, I'm reopening thespark now. Add a link to your main diary page, and e-mail me at [email protected]. I'll hook you up with all the info, including the password!

from how-odd :

"angels in america" by tony kushner (which is on your 'to-read' list) is absolutely superb. i've read it twice now & i'm still not sick of it.

from carrythezer0 :

fantastic reading.

from imperfectlyy :

Well isn't this exciting! Have you ever noticed that the people with a thousand billion Dland banners are the people with the shittiest, ugliest, most pointless diaries? Well I sure have...and I'm so very glad that I finally clicked on a decent one. =)

from floodtide :

Anyone who invites you to his apartment to watch a movie, then suddenly goes over to begin lifting weights and is offended that you're not watching: he's - at the very least - phenomenally RUDE. And at the root of such a rudeness is an unbelievable immaturity, narcissism, and flat-out silliness. No, YOU didn't do anything wrong; he did. Your responses are the normal ones, so please don't question your own motives and/or behavior any further. Tell him he's a jackass, and if he wants so badly to get laid he should consider learning some social skills. (There's a movie, I think, or a play, where a woman turns to a man who has just tried some similarly nonsensical "moves," and she says: "Wow, you must get laid like NEVER.")

from sabathine :

Maybe you can help... I have read Angels in America (loved it of course) but I seem to have missed it on TV. Can I buy it anywhere, do you know? I'd love to see it....

from ihmx100 :

You have no idea how much your note meant to me. I'll try to write this in as few words as possible, because I've noticed my notes tend to run on the long side. :-) I am very intuitive at times, and I "knew" and hoped that you appreciated my notes or at least found them helpful in some way. So, what I'm trying to say is: don't feel bad about not responding to everything I say, or taking a while to respond. I know you read my notes. That's all that matters. I know that you have trouble reaching out to and letting others into your "inner circle" and I respect that. I am in no way trying to push myself into your life. After becoming a regular reading of your diary, however, at times I feel compelled to respond. I truly believe that if our current geography differences were rectified, we would eventually grow to become good, close friends in real life. With that said, I mean this with the upmost respect and admiration: I love you. You are a truly inspiring person and have no idea how many people you have touched with your words. I have a couple "online diaryland" friends that I have grown to love over time, and now I can add you to the list. If you ever want to talk, or vent, or whatever...you are more than welcome to e-mail me. I would enjoy that. I guess what I want to "drill" into you the most right now is that you are a worthy person, regardless of your past, regardless of your lifestyle which may not be appealing to most, regardless of anything that makes you feel as less than a human. Just know that you are loved. I wish you all the luck in your future; relationship-wise, career-wise, and emotionally and physically. (I apologize for the lengthiness (is that a word?) of this note. I guess I had more on more heart than I anticipated. Love, Michelle

from floodtide :

Thank you, sweet boy, for the note. I liked hearing from you, am somehow deeply gratified that you've been reading. When I read you I am so full of words that I don't share: wanting so badly to find some "right" thing to say that could make you feel loved, appreciated. Perhaps I shouldn't hold back all the time? Please write again. Love, flood

from jhxd :

when your family plays monopoly, do you play by standard rules or lots of house rules?

from meesh03 :

I am amused, amazed, shocked by your journal/diary. It is the most interesting thing on the internet. I really enjoyed your last web lay out. It was the first one I ever saw on Diaryland. I hope you realize you are not alone in your life, and keep writing. It's amazing that it can connect you with millions of other people. You aspire me!

from ihmx100 :

I hope in some small way this might provide some insight into your past. You said, "What if, like *Sam, I sought it out and was a willing participant?" Of course I barely know any details concerning your situation, however, one thing that I *think* all humans have in common is their body's response to sexual stimulation. My sister was only 6 years old when she was repeatedly sexually molested by a neighbor. While talking with her recently, she admitted to me that it "felt good" when he did it. Even though he told her "not to tell anyone" which led her to believe it must be something wrong to be kept a secret, she still went over to play with his kids, which most of the time ended with him taking her into the bedroom and molesting her. She "looked up" to him. She admired him. But remember, she was 6. I know that I was 11 years old before I learned what sex was. She was around the same age. She had no knowledge of sex, no teaching on appropriate and inappropriate behaviors at the age of her molestation. So when it felt good, that's all she knew. She is dealing with tremendous guilt right now, and I can't totally empathize with you or her, because I have not been in a similar situation. I was raped repeatedly by a grown man...someone I trusted. Different circumstances. However, I do sympathize with you. I don't pity you, feel sorry for you, think, "poor non-descript". By sympathy I mean that in many ways I can relate to your pain and my heart aches for you and all that you have endured. Above all, remember that over time, God can and will heal all wounds if you ask Him too. And please don't feel guilty because you experienced pleasure during the abuse. We are biological organisms...it is only natural. I'll keep you in my prayers that one day *soon* hopefully, you will finally be released from the bondage of the demons from your past. Love, Michelle (And as someone else wrote, I too am reaching out to you, with the risk of you pushing me away.)

from yngdivorcee :

I love the new layout, and still enjoy your musings regularly - dare I say, daily. Merry Christmas!!! All the best to you :) ~v.

from jhxd :

wow, i dig the new design.

from thespark :

You would write in our diary. Members write there. Other than that...we tend to make friends with each other and send mail and call and whatnot. But, you don't have to make friends with anyone or go beyond the borders of the internet. We tend to read each other's diaries, but you don't have to do that. Uhh...there's not much else. You can make thespark whatever you want...a place to write weekly entries, or a community of friends. Did that help? We're closing for the new year on Christmas Day. I need to reorganize and stuff. So, if you want to join, sign our book, and I'll send you information as soon as we reopen.

from devil-bitch :

What should I say? "Nice writing."

from srolive :

mawk on my brother. :)

from floodtide :

Read your entry from work, so can't e-mail you, but I'd be HAPPY to suggest porn that, as my friend Hugh says, "works." Love, flood

from lonelygayboy :

Hey there. I am very flattered that you read my whole diary. I think only my closest friends have read my entire diary. I also wanted to say thank you for your comments of encouragement. You see, you may think that I am happier because I am out of the closet and I have friends that accept me, but even though I have all that, I am incredibly lonely. So incredibly fucking lonely. You may distance yourself from men that you get close to, but at least you get close to men. I can't even do that. Its nice that you think that I will find someone, but I wont. I really wont. There is something inherently wrong with me that prevents me from ever finding love or sex or anything remotely close to that. Just for reference, I am drunk right now and very emotional, but I just wanted you to know that you will eventually find yourself; you will find friends that accept you and not judge you and you will be a lot happier than I will ever be. I am so incredibly lonely that you have no idea. Hehe, anyway, I am gonna go now. Take care and byebye!

from floodtide :

Your entry this morning (last night) stirred something truly happy deep within me. To read that you feel you could do anything. I wish you this feeling more and more often until it is, quite simply, your status quo. When I read that you appreciated the words of support, I instantly regretted that I wrote the following in my diary, and not directly to you. Frankly, I was afraid to send it, fearing I'd offend, but I didn't want to seem facile or presumptuous. I also don't presume you read my diary, so here it is: "non-descript, I wanted so badly to send you a note saying 'break a leg tonight.' Saying I wish I could be there, to hear your poetry, your voice. Somehow I know instinctively that poetry and voice are both lovely, stirring, compelling, soft, gentle, strong. But I'm all self-conscious; I don't know what to say. I wonder if I'm one of those people you'd push away. I'd listen." Love, flood

from ldybug1113 :

found you through a banner- love you already. chin up, i'll be praying for you. ~*~kAtIe~*~

from emptyhouse :

hey, i just got your message, and i'd be happy to help you prepare. let me know when and how.

from ihmx100 :

In some ways I think we have a lot in common. Maybe that's why I enjoy reading your diary so much. I fear rejection. I distance myself from others, when deep down I long for meaningful relationships. I am a loner. (Maybe you aren't, I can't remember.) I am a perfectionist when it comes to my work. Especially school work, because I feel this is a refelction of myself. If someone thinks it is bad, or gives me a low grade, I feel like they are grading "me" rather than my work. I really don't have a "point" to this note. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Thanks, Michelle

from ijustmoveon :

Believe it or not, you're adorable.

from ihmx100 :

Sorry about that mix-up! I just assumed you were referring to me since I had recently updated my profile and added comments next to your name. Glad I didn't offend you! Thanks, Michelle

from ihmx100 :

According the the online Merriam-Webster's dictionary, melodramatic has 2 meanings: 1. of or pertaining to melodrama, and 2. appealing to the emotions. When I referred to you as melodramatic, I had meaning number 2 in mind. However, if this still bothers you, I will remove that adjective from my buddy list. I certainly don't want to offend anyone. Thank you. Michelle

from queentrixie :

Dream interpretation is fairly literal most of the time. Death is change, metamorphosis. Decay can also be metamorphosis, however, it can also be stagnation. Something in your life is literally impassive and rotten. Since the vivid colors were connected to flesh and blood the change is probably centered on the physical and emotional aspects of your life. The smells reveal your reactions to the changes. Of course, you are your own best interpretater because every brain has it's own symbolic language.

from milkmaid :

My experience in group settings has taught me that each time we say it out loud, we take a bit of the power away from it. And everyone it the room wants to hear about it, because they've been there too - and hearing it fresh and raw, helps them to heal as well.

from jhxd :

i greatly enjoy your observations and writings.

from ihmx100 :

Sorry to hear about your colleague. I really don't know what to say about that. Suicide is such a terrible thing. Peace be with you.

from voidlife :

Dun get mad. I think is it great you are being open...and I love it!! You can be so funny when you are just being yourself...Humour can go a long way...^_^. Best of luck to you. ~Shell~

from ihmx100 :

You are not boring. Interesting, in fact. I just don't think you believe enough in yourself. I would be willing to take the time to get to you know you, but only you can take the next step toward communicating with me or anyone for that matter. I've always heard; if you love yourself, others will love you too. I'm trying to learn how to love myself and in the process have made some very supportive friends. Best of luck to you.

from ihmx100 :

If it's any consolation, I find that recently I have only been interested in getting to know my "online" friends. I enjoy my solitude, yet relish in the impersonal communication that the internet provides.

from floodtide :

Oops -- just read YOUR note; you are, of course, welcome to it: the username is 'theboathouse' [no space], and the password is 'penge'. Comes from Scudder's and Maurice's trysting place in the Forster novel >Maurice<. It has come to be my metaphor for safe places. Thanks for asking, and happy birthday again. Glad you're home safe and sound. ft

from floodtide :

Happy birthday, sincerely and with love, from flood

from and-um :

happy birthday...

from ihmx100 :

Wow. I don't know how I ended up at your diary, but you are such a profound writer and I'm sure a very deep, intelligent person. In so many ways I feel that I can relate to you. I will be returning to read your past entries. I am very impressed.

from yngdivorcee :

Happy Birthday! (a little early, but sure to get there in time). I tried to email, gets returned invalid address, so try emailing me: [email protected] and I will then use the trusty reply key. :) ~v.

from floodtide :

Happy birthday, Beautiful. Really. Love, flood

from beatpoetgrrl :

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear non-descript, happy birthday to you! *mwah*

from floodtide :

I do not feel sorry for you and don't think I ever have. If anything I'm rather in awe of you. I don't read because of pity - an emotion I despise feeling even more than I despise being pitied - I read because I wish I could be your friend. Perhaps that sounds trite or facile or (worst of all) pathetic. But it's sincere. Does it surprise you? I'm not sure it doesn't surprise me. Full disclosure: I'm jealous that rockymtrangr found the way to be friendly with you without alienating you. Wish you had that ease with me. Love, flood.

from floodtide :

from and-um :

saw your banner and followed. church on sunday and gay the rest of the week is not hypocritical. i'm church on sundays, a lesbian all week. including sunday. god made you. all of you. all of us.

from no-yes-maybe :

WOW. I followed your banner, and your diary is compelling. I LOVE IT!

from floodtide :

The questions you raise today always plague me as well. If you're interested, there's a terrific essay on the subject of "comfort" and how to balance it with some notion of communal (or even global) responsibility - and whether or not such responsibility exists at all - by the playwright-actor Wallace Shawn; it's published as the afterward to his play "Aunt Dan & Lemon." Best words I've ever seen on the subject. Love, flood

from gnu-high :

Enjoyed the read. :)

from dhlipsky :

I thought you were not-quite-fair to my friends in G-4. George Rash was a treat, of course -- I started liking him the day I watched that first failed APFT; he was so good-natured and anxious about it, like someone knocking over a dish in a neighbor's kitchen -- but what about Keirsey? Or Whitey Herzog? Or my man Huck Finn? Anyway, thanks for liking George. He was fun to write about, and an interesting guy to spend four years with. I'm a smoker (I'd say a moderately heavy smoker). On different occassions, George would look at me and say, "You know, that's a filthy habit" or "That really isn't good for you" or -- squinting up his face -- "You know, if you saved all the money you spend every week on cigarettes, after a year -- that would be a lot." Finally, after graduation, I was talking to his mom, and she said that George's dad had emphysima, which he'd contracted from a lifetime of smoking. That was George's sly, shy way of being concerned. What a good, interesting guy. Best, David Lipsky

from moretoknow :

Wanted to put a little comment on the entry I just read...as far as flowers go...sometimes it's like guys just think it's an answer, like they don't matter, 'why not get her flowers and chocolate?' Other times they matter. It seems to me that you need to work things out with you first, figure out why you're mad, then confront him once you're ok with that and no longer mad...that way you don't lash at him or even worse--bring up the past

from moretoknow :

from alone777 :

That's really messed up that you can choose if your child is gau or not... That's not in our hands, it's in God's...

from rainforme :

you are a writer.

from cdghost :

interesting words to read..allthebest

from kodachrome :

And it must make it more challenging to refrain from laughing at those thoughts while being engorged with a meat lolly? Babe, in my cookbook it's not the name of the food that matters, it's the ingredient and the cooking method and ultimately ob das Essen lecker ist.

from yngdivorcee :

Well, todays entry was profound. I think what you like about it is the power, particularly appealing when overpowering men lose it to you. Even if only for a moment maybe that rush is all you need. And maybe I am totslly off, whatever the case your candid entry was very nice. ~v.

from voidlife :

I just really like reading your journal...all I have to say it wow. ~voidlife~

from floodtide :

Hello, stranger - I've been reading again, after a hiatus, and you sound like you're doing pretty well. If that is true - and I do hope it is - I'm happy for you. I still think of you from time to time and have often wondered how you are. Love always, flood

from officegal :

sarah mchwhatever!!!!???? oh my gosh. im so jealous of you. unending coveting of your luck;) have a great time.

from fiercelingua :

Men suck! Become a lesbian! (that's a joke) Have you tried telling him to be gentle for the first times and then maybe afterwards he can exert his manliness? "but because I can't convince myself that perhaps I can do better." You can! If he doesn't respect you, you shouldn't be in the relationship. Anyways. Rambles from a reader... /A

from officegal :

thank you for your note. it made me smile on a otherwise awful morning:0 have a beautifull day:0

from yngdivorcee :

I read you comment about me in the "diaries I read" section of your diary. Thank you. Funny that you mention stability, everyone says I am so stable and strong, and really I feel like the particles thrown about around the eye of the hurricane more often than not. I refuse to give up, thats all I can say - but sometimes I just wish I could and have someone pull me into that eye. Thank you for your writing and for sharing your world. ~v.

from officegal :

i clicked on your banner and im glad i did your a beautifull writer. in the entry i read you wondered if you could ramble. and honestly. of course u can. in fact im sure i would enjoy to read it. it may help. ive been abused to as you may read in my dairy(and please do!), and we have some simalir reactions. i hope u dont mind but id like to add u as a favourite:) your beautiful man:) i appreciate your honesty!

from hovergirl :

your diary--your description of your life, whatever you want to call it--is as beautiful as ever, if not more...dazzling to read, like looking at a lit chandelier in the dark. as a reader, i want to say thank you for letting me read something so--...there isn't an english word for it, but many of them come to mind.

from livin-ur-lie :

you can't usually tell if one has nice eyes unless you look into them, but, personalities are generally reflected in eyes. i'd say you have beautiful eyes. -Sage ♥

from miapiglet :

Wow... I am really impressed and amazed with your writing. And I saw your pictures... and Id say you DO have beautiful eyes. :)

from emptyhouse :

provided you're comfortable with it, i'd be happy to listen via phone. or, failing that, my email address is on my diary.

from emptyhouse :

i would very much like to read some of your poems...can you tell me how without sacrificing your anonymity?

from zeroreverb7 :

you wrote once that you think people read your diary because we feel sorry for you..Ive been meaning to tell you...I believe it is moreso that we Relate to you. Hugs Peace

from yngdivorcee :

I wrote you a note, and it got deleted. So, now in brief I try to rewrite: I would have raised an eyebrow. I read several of your entries all at once today and I thought to myself, and not for the first time, I know how he feels. I feel the same way. But I do not feel this way because of the same issues as you, infact I am far from going through the exact things that you are. It is a just a feeling in general, a shared feeling where you seem to be living things, so am I. So I thought I should write and tell you that maybe these feelings, are just the result or the norm in the life of a person in their late twenties who is accomplished and who lives by a set of standards a little apart from the rest. Perhaps we should start a club. ;) Then it might all suddenly seem perfectly normal. ~v.

from kitten42 :

please go here http://ttcvoting.signmyguestbook.com/ and vote for design # 10 if you do i will love you forever and link you everywhere thanks!

from minstrelite :

Thanks for your complimentary note. As far as having lost what you once had, you can always get it back you know. If I could, anybody could. If you don't mind, I'll keep you in my prayers.

from renhess :

you write beautifully! -Ren

from the-mistake :

where is the beef?!

from yngdivorcee :

Regarding tonights entry. for Eli, it may be frustrating to be with someone who is not at the same place he is. Lack of an ability to empathize with you. For you, or for anyone, in any situation, I feel it is important to be around people who can either relate to where you are without judgement, guide you through it, or help you grow somehow (even if just by listening and being patient). There is nothing wrong with you, or where you are. You are a human being, how can you fault yourself with trying to come to terms with a major life change in a relatively short amount of time? Cut yourself some slack, and if nothing else realize that the peopel you surround yourself should not only be fun, but should be healthy for you too. If they cant accept your time line, the place where you are, or the personal development you need to go through then they will only make you feel like this. My feeling after reading your entry was that he was immature and unwilling to realize the incredible human struggle which you are in the midst of. You have to find your place, the place you are comfortable with and thats not up to anyone to tell you how to get there, or when you are there. When the time is right you will know, and it will bloom.

from yngdivorcee :

you got it. ~v.

from yngdivorcee :

When one is so used to over analyzing situations it is hard to draw the line between being paranoid or having reason for concern. I think it is okay to tell this person youre not into a heavy relationship right now, but that if thats okay with him, you would love to go out for lunch...dinner...whatever. If your instinct is telling you something may be off (like potential stalkeralert) then trust that too. Its the last thing you need. Your life is interesting as always...let yourself be happy. You aren't obligated to anyone. ~v.

from silverbiker :

love your diary i must say

from yngdivorcee :

Sigh. Wrote an email to avoid cluttering your notes with notes...tried to send it, and it was returned. So here I am. Terrible. [email protected] Intention: I hope you are enjoying your night at "home". I like the entries of the past while, it has been quite a trip. :)

from yngdivorcee :

Guestbook isn't working, I was going to write a note anyway - so here I am. It is nice, so nice to read you enjoying yourself, and giving in to just being you. Sometimes, I have learned, it is worth "just being" and not thinking, analyzing or worrying because sometimes all of those things actually create the problems that would never be there if we as people "just were". Start over with Spec, and let all the other stuff go, be aware of what happens (as you seem to be) and if something new and fresh irks you, then re-evaluate but you never know, maybe it all has changed. There is no point letting old issues haunt you. Judge in the present and enjoy being you with him. It is late, I hope I am not rambling too much. I share in your happiness, and look forward to another one of your days. ~v.

from seat :

today, i stumbled across non-descript. Stumbled down into it would be the better phrase; it is a tangle of musings and inner thought processes that i thought were only reserved for the internal monologue. you seem haunted and giddy at the same time. i won't dole out any 5 cent Lucy booth fortunes, but you did the right thing. some things should not be tolerated. i quoted a few of your words on my space. succint while transmitting with upmost clarity

from knock-first :

I enjoyed reading today!

from foxgallagher :

I really hope that nothing is going on between you and him. I hope it's all in your head (for the sake of the relationship).

from emptyhouse :

have i mentioned lately how much i love how you write?

from yngdivorcee :

I liked the new entry, very witty. It made me smile. I also liked the new layout. Just thought I would let you know. ~v.

from yngdivorcee :

"Can one change?", the best answer I have ever heard to this question stemms from reading the book East of Eden, in the disputed meaning of the word "Timshel": Thou mayest (if i recall correctly) and in that,just as you may, you *may not*. So yes, I believe that the power of this word,in the context it is in, in East of Eden says it all. We have the power to choose. Therfore, to answer your question, the most wonderful thing is that if we truely want to we *can* change. But it takes a great person to do so, a great soul, and so you must ask how much do they, did they, do you ...want to change, and is this change true to themselves/yourself. Everything is in our hands. Nothing is predetermined or finite. We just have to choose. :)

from bleakreviews :

come be one of the first to get judged by me...get reviewed...come on you know you want to...

from brucegirl :

I clicked on your cool / catchy banner and here I am. Nice diary.

from yngdivorcee :

Labels are only as good as those who give them. No person can fit into a label, unless he or she should chose to allow it. Morals and decency are in the heart, and sexuality and resulting actions, as long as concentual, are not to be judged except by those involved. Let yourself live and just enjoy who you are. Stop allowing others to force you to chose a label for yourself. You are just you. And, unless I am missing something, it all seems okay. Those are the thoughts that scream at me as I read your journal. Congratulations on your publication, I think it is pretty "cool". ~v.

from fuschiashock :

closets suck.

from hiv :

Clicked on your banner on Dland.. thought your diary was pretty interesting. :) Nice layout aswell.

from bjbear :

Since you want to deal: "The Wounded Heart" Book and Workbook (I recommend both) By Dr. Dan B. Allender Can be ordered via: newlife.com look in the Online Store - Its a painful process, but helpful.

from abacinate :

I loveth your layout very mucheth!

from pansygirl :

Stumbled your way via your daises.diaryland.com guestbook entry - and I wanted to let you know that I like what I read. You're very interesting and very genuine (even if you DO use some words I don't understand...have pity, I'm just a primary teacher!). My sister is visiting the Cadbury Chocolate Factory next week (I think you get Cadbury Creme eggs in America?). I will have her investigate the chocolate filling issue!

from fairyzebra :

i personally feel that sox are their own bit of fashion: i refused to wear white sox, only colored and designed, and i rarely have them match anything else. More fun that way.

from magnifika :

oh, godiva....blech. they even mess up ice cream. *sigh* i thought i was the only one that thought so.

from yngdivorcee :

"Battling scents", what a nightmare your class must be - I might be tempted to include a commetn inthe lecture... Perfume should be worn so that only those close to you have the pleasure of experiencing it. (Opinionated as usual this evening.) Thank you for your kind note, I decided to start from the beginning of your journal and enjoy it immensely. I promise not to load your "notes" with daily notes, but being in Canada, and having lived in the US in many cities I can tell you that we sometimes do have a better quality *selection* of foods like this in grocery stores, however, if she invests in a good quality white tuna, I think she will find as good a canned tuna there as here. The problem when people leave their countries to go to other countries is often that they must find something to rant about demonstrating that their country is somehow superior. Missing home. Sadly, I can not believe I am writing a note to you about tuna. But you can tell her your Canadian friend, who also has a background in fine cuisine, and who also has lived in the US and bought tuna, gives her hope to find the comfort of *her* tuna, if she only dedicated her time to trying the differnt brands available. (laugh) Crack open the fortune cookie and read: An open mind, and slight exploration will be the key to your success. ~v.

from yngdivorcee :

Forgive me, but now, some time after my first note, I realized something else I wanted to say. I fear you are judging yourself by others standards, standards that really no one can say are true. Everything you feel, you fear, you are is perfectly fine, because you are yourself why should you let others define you or who you are. Your sexuality plagues you, for you search for a label, you don't need one your qualities are wonderful why do you have to chose, just "be". I recommend reading the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I have not made it to your book reviews yet, but if you havent read it, it is brief but extremely helpful and I think applicable. I feel for your pain and distress. There is no appropriate sign off, so I shall simply say from the depths of my heart I wish you freedom and bliss. ~v.

from yngdivorcee :

I am captivated by your journal. I have been reading it only for about 10 minutes, and have come across it by total turn of fate. First impression & initially striking: your topic of todays entry was similar to mine,12 hours apart (roughly) and somewhat opposite although stemming from the same core emotion, I think. I can not presume to know you, only haven seen you for 10 minutes really, but what strikes me is this: you take yourself too seriously. translation - you are too tough on yourself, and you judge yourself constantly. But this of course you know. I see a human being, like many others, most others, who faces what we call life. If we spend too much time analyzing everything, it is self-consuming. Other thoughts: write him the letter, pour everything out, you're not obligated to send it. Finally, we chose who we become. You have the power and status to do anything. You deserve to be happy, it is your right. Forget everything and do what your heart tells you. try not to be afraid. I hope you don't find this note too forward. Your journal spoke to me, and I feel compelled to write something. It may as well be the thoughts that passed quickly through my mind. I look forward to reading more. As you know, you are very interesting. ~v.

from rockyraven :

its kinda cool how evil teachers have lives other than taking revenge on students for all those torturing years of school that the teacher has completed

from magnifika :

i hope you enjoy(ed) james....i loved him but couldn't help feeling a certain distance...what you read of the man and what you know of the man somehow don't mesh. but i love that sweet baby james.

from twids :

Hey! You changed your commentary on me on your buddy list, and I thought you said we weren't going to meet up?! Do we still have time before our respective departures? Shall I keep up hope for a cup of coffee in DC? Do inform....

from orchdreamer :

love your layout :0) have a great day!

from madrigle :

poppers= amyl nitrate a liquid solvent commonly used for vcr head cleaning. When the vapors are inhaled I believe the little molecule latches onto a red blood cell and rides around a bit before getting exhaled or otherwise metabolized, in any case, it evidently causes a temporary 'rush' from oxygen deprivation. When I moved to Houston it seemed like everyone I met was doing bumps of cocaine in the bathrooms or poppers on the dance floor. Consequently, I quickly quit going to the bars. There are some interesting pharmacology web sites where I originally found this info, google is my friend. Oh hear I'll go find one now . . . hugs Amyl nitrate is a powerful poison with a specific action on the heart and blood-vessels. It is inhaled in small doses in certain diseases of the heart and in asthma. Nowadays, Amyl nitrite is used as a narcotic and sold under the name 'poppers'. It is popular amongst club goers, and particularly the gay community because of it's supposed property of enhacing sexual pleasure, where it contributes to the high instances of AIDs by its adverse effect upon the immune system.

from magnifika :

i'd give it two thumbs up, for sure. and the twin that i ate in fetal form adds her remaining thumb up, as well. that makes three. read it. definitely. i finished it weeks and weeks ago and still think of it. i like when a book gets itself into your very pores.

from elegantfreak :

Dr. Indy is right. But not always in the same way. Abusers take away our power. And it isn't just a matter of our allowing it. They are efficient and highly skilled at stealing another person's power. Otherwise they wouldn't be abusers. Sometimes talking about it is a way to get our power back. And sometimes talking about it is a sign that we have our power back. However, you know you've healed when the first thing you say to any potential significant other isn't "I was in this abusive relationship." Just some encouragement to keep talking.

from magnifika :

have you read "three junes" (julia glass)? sometimes, to me, you are my living breathing fenno.

from emptyhouse :

couldn't get in to your guestbook. your diary pleases me. i recommend "aiding and abetting" by muriel spark, "daughters of the house" by michele roberts, and "a wild sheep chase" by haruki murakami, to name a few.

from drunkencynic :

Your diary is riveting, it's nice to read someone who is articulate and knows how to spell, not to mention your humor and realness.

from dont-stop :

I like your username. It's so non-descript.

from zostrich :

is it hubris (fatal flaw?) its safe to say that this is most of what i remember from junior english (my teacher was ranting about michelle kwan and how she fell because of hubris).

from ringleader :

Somehow I found your diary and began reading it. What really kept me hooked was your '100 things'- namely because I identified straight off. I also appreciate your articulation and vocabulary. They're so rare these days, and that you have both in spades is enviable.

from twids :

Damnit! And damn guestbook! Sorry, just got your notes after leaving the one I did in your book. Damn! Fucking cellphone.... Sorry about that. Yes, do let's talk soon. Sorry about your day.

from zostrich :

hi. i've been reading your hournal for a little while now (i started for the vocabulary :) ), and i just wanted to say high five on kicking spec out. no matter what else is going on, it's never okay to let other people treat you like shit. which hurts to learn, but is worth it. so good luck; i hope you find someone healthy. sorry if you feel i've overstepped bounds on this one.

from elateddream :

I like that picture in your layout. The dock looks endearing to jump off into the water from it.

from shamsi9 :

found u thru a banner-promise me you will think before beating yourself up again....ther's more to life. and there are gay men (i was raised hardcore religious too) who are monogamous.

from navy-grl18 :

Ok, I just had to tell you, as I was hooked on every word you had with such a wonderful feeling that I am not alone, that someone else in this world is having sexual problems that interfere with their relationships because of something that happened so long ago but a sexual encounter tears them to tears one minutes and is nice other times was so nice. I have a new boyfriend but I have broke down in front of him 3 times. He holds me while I cry hysterically and he doesn't know what to do or say but always finds the words. I kept reading with such a connection to your words and then I found at the bottom that you are gay. It really struck me because I realized that it happens to not only females. and relationships are relationships. I think you need to find someone who understands you and will cater to your needs. Someone who will hold you and and let you know that they will help you get through it. Kyle is doing his best but I know I have issues that only I can allow myself to heal from. If you need to talk about whatever, I understand. [email protected]

from barenaked500 :

Just found your diary and wanted to comment on the beautiful layout! :) So pretty...

from mathew-b :

randomly clicked you banner; i feel non-descript ninety percent of the time. your last journal entry - wow. i think we write firstly for ourselves, then partly (maybe subconciously) for others - hoping that maybe we can touch something inside them. and i was touched - and i just wanted to say thank you for articulating what you feel - because i think i feel something similar, too.

from elegantfreak :

Everything becomes automated, mechanical, rote when we give in to the desire to hide. Life is meant to be felt, the good and the bad and the desperately ugly, and then reflected in our personality; the image distorted by our morality, goals, desires, flaws, strengths, fears. And we decide if the final picture is an original masterpiece or a cheap impressionistic copy of a copy. It is easy to overrate the stereotype of success. It is easy to discount unorthodox human communion. Always be suspicious of things that are easy. A long-winded way of saying please continue your journal. You are, in many ways, an inspiration.

from scifimagpie :

Where can one find YOUR book? Congratulations, by the way!

from hovergirl :

you may have mentioned this in your diary already, but what is your book about/called?

from floodtide :

That was extraordinary - thank you for sharing it. "Solace" and "forgiveness" - I'll be pondering that, and grateful for it, for a long time. Love, Flood.

from thedykeic :

Hey there, i stumbled across your diary and was so compelled by your writing that i had to say hello. ("Hello") You are so in touch with your own feelings, i think it a blessing, i am sure you see it a curse. Nevertheless, you don't trust yourself enough, you should. You are insightful. Cheers and Beers, Ky aka The Dykeic Hotline.

from proudnerd :

A shout-out to a fellow IB freak!

from invisibledon :

thanks for playing in the neighborhood

from floodtide :

Thanks for responding to my note. I know you've been treated badly. I'm just trying to treat you well.

from floodtide :

Whoa. Did I offend you? I'm sorry if I did; that was not my intent. Nor was it my intent to scold or correct. I just wanted to say they are lots of gay men (and women) content to pursue an old-fashioned romantic progression from infatuation, and emotional AND physical attraction, to mutual agreements to ascend through good-night kisses and dating and conscious choices about things. Not just "let's fuck and then we can talk." God, you've been treated with unspeakable cruelty by monstrous people (I include here anyone who strikes you) and for some inescapable reason I feel compelled to try to convince you that not everyone is a monster. Why I should care about you enough to bother I don't know, but I do; you've got me hooked. Tell me to shut up and go away if you want me to. Love (really), Flood.

from floodtide :

I assume that your hyperbole is consciously ironic, but of course it's not 'just sex' for gay men - I'm NOTHING if not a welter of emotions. But then you already know that about me. Love, Flod.

from busy-milkman :

Love your lay out!

from violetwoman :

Were you the only one? I, too, thought so, until one night an old childhood acquaintance called me asking me if I remembered anything about "Mr. X". I remembered all right. We both thought at the times we were the only ones, alone in this bullshit. She told me she was laying charges and would I testify? I said yes, but to my utter relief she found out that he had died years before. Hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. Take care.

from raven72d :

Morris Berman... hmmmm... Jacques Barzun without the intellectual depth.

from porcelaina :

"Apathy is a waste of oxygen" great quote. it's true, really, but hard to see when you are the apathetic one.

from iwillsurvive :

Sorry to leave 2 notes back to back, but after reading some of the comments here, I think we actually have something kind of painful in common. Hmmm...I just wish grown-ups could have acted like grown-ups, you know?

from iwillsurvive :

Hi! After your comments in my 'this or that' survey, I just had to come check out your profile;) FYI: Dianne Wiest and Mia Farrow have starred in many of Woody Allen's films (you may know Dianne better from being the mom in Edward Scissorhands). Mitch Hedburg and Dane Cook are two very funny comedians. I appreciate your candor in my comments section, by the way;) I got a good chuckle out of it. Be well! Jen/iwillsurvive

from violetwoman :

I, too, often shrink away from excess noise, lights, stimulation. I am worse now in my 'old' age, even the tv and radio have to be muted. My ever-loving family (ha, ha) call me overly sensitive. Well, so be it. I have been reading your diary for quite some time now, and have been enjoying it thoroughly. Thank you. Kim

from floodtide :

Oy. I never - well, almost never - give unsolicited advice, but your most recent entry really got to me. My own therapist is a psychologist and an ACSW and not gay - in fact she's the wife of a co-worker of my husband's. I'd encourage you to consider finding a therapist who is not specifically "gay"-related; my own experience is that gay therapists are often like Christian therapists: sublimated to a group agenda. Find a plain-old garden variety therapist, or one who specializes in childhood sexual abuse, or one who specializes (as mine does) in working with gifted children and adolescents (I am one of her few adult clients). Good luck. And thank you for writing about it all with such grace and quiet eloquence. And forgive me if unsolicited advice offends you. It is meant respectfully. Love, Flood.

from floodtide :

Your diary is deeply intriguing in so many ways, from the stunning design up. I'm pretty flattered that such a writer - and reader - has added me to a favorites list, especially since we are an opposite ends of the political spectrum. But the main thing is: I love your writing. You have a quiet, persistent, powerful style that is very much You. I will be looking forward to more, and I wish you a peace I sense you're looking for but don't have.

from ciaramyst :

Found you.

from apexsensatin :

Thanks for taking my quiz/survey. I liked your answers.

from nodoubt :

Hey, read about you quitting Young Life and the other organization...just wanted to say if you need to talk or anything, I'm offering my ear...I pray that this is the right decision for you. AIM me at AFormerOhioBoy if you ever need to talk. Peace, Paul

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