messages to aliannmil:
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from annanotbob2 :
Hiya - there was no photo with your post and it seemed you meant there to be. The situation here with masks is that the govt just doesn't recommend them or even mention them much from what I can see. My boy says most people wear them in London, Bloke says about 10-20% had them in the supermarket today. What we absolutely don't have is the protest about any of it. I think we have an acceptance of the concept of "the public good" - we have never had the hostility to free health care that I see in the US - I've not heard of rich people begrudging poor people the cost of treatment etc. But our govt esp Johnson are Trumpian in their lack of concern for us citizens
from annanotbob2 :
Hiya - good to see you back here - you're still on my buddy list. I write for myself and am just glad and a bit amazed if anyone else wants to read. I left a note in the box on your page but it didn't work. Hope writing eases your soul - we have to do what we can in these weird days. xxx
from annanotbob2 :
xxxxxx
from blueyedmom :
You are like a beacon in the dark.... No matter how long I've been away Your light still shines! You are a rock! A steady! I wish you nothing but happiness and peace and good fortune in the years to come!!!
from annanotbob2 :
Hold steady, dear heart - this panic is an inevitable consequence of a big decision, such as buying a house. It won't be perfect (nothing is), but it will be fine and if it isn't you'll take action to improve it, because that's who you are. My view on marital finances in situations like yours (which are very common) has always been that if the woman wasn't doing the child-care and the housework, the bloke would have to pay someone else to do it, so the equitable thing is for the woman to have access to at least some of the bloke's 'disposable income'. Big Love and hugs - the panic will pass, but moving house is a massive stress factor so please don't be hard on yourself xxxxx
from annanotbob2 :
So pleased! xxx
from annanotbob2 :
I feel exactly the same about living in the past - I had my kids before disposable nappies and that was enough laundry for me. I loved that book! Good luck tomorrow xxx
from annanotbob2 :
Good luck with the house hunting - I meant to leave a note yesterday but fell into a fury about house prices here compared to there. What you spoke of for that massive house is what we may well get when we sell the bedsit - about the size of your current downstairs room (or current when I was there). I mean, I know we're squashed in here and you have space all over, but Jesus. Anyway, glad you liked the rabbit and hope work isn't too bad. Love xxx
from annanotbob2 :
It sounds like a good plan, for all the reasons you say, but, as you also say, exhausting to contemplate. I wish you well with it and look forward to reading your rants! ps I am so glad about the pirate book! Hugs to all xxx
from annanotbob2 :
xxxxxx
from fightn4life :
Hey Alison, I decided to attempt to write again. My heart is with you as I understand the shutting down stages in life. Read back through several of your entries and could relate to your writing on being a server, did that for years. Not an easy task. I wish you peace.
from annanotbob2 :
It's almost certainly no consolation to know that I reacted in exactly the same way, but feeling even more ridiculous as I'm not even American. I do feel a bit better now, just back from my acupuncture session. Hold steady dear friend, and don't let fear for a future spoil the present reality of your darling Baby Boy. Love and hugs always xxxx
from annanotbob2 :
xxx
from silverluna :
I will send a prayer for you. Don't give up!
from annanotbob2 :
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
from annanotbob2 :
xxx
from annanotbob2 :
Jeez. Hugs xxx
from la-the-sage :
Your points are all well thought out and as kind as possible. Me? I'd have had trouble not smacking her. ~LA
from annanotbob2 :
I read. xxx
from annanotbob2 :
Thinking of you, sending hugs xxx
from annanotbob2 :
I think leave him be. This is pre-school because they develop different aspects at different times (like they all walk at different times) and pressure will make him anxious. from what you've said he seems a great kid, interested in things etc. He'll be ready when he's ready. By the way, thanks for your note - very appreciated as your advice/comments always are. I got the cat spray in time and won't let that one in again. Good luck with your job interview, dear Alison. xxx
from la-the-sage :
Always good sleep, my dear. I miss the treadmill too! I never thought I'd like one because I dislike walking but I found the tread a rather zen experience. Good luck with your keeping things steady on! ~LA
from annanotbob2 :
Well, you are pretty super as a writer. I think optimism/pessimism has a lot to do with it - not so much what happens to us as how we respond to it. Not being American helps too - there's a very harsh concept of what constitutes success in America. Lots of love anyway. I feel miserable too today, which probably isn't any consolation. xxx Anna
from annanotbob2 :
Love and hugs, dear Alison xxxx
from fightn4life :
I read back to your summer entries...wow, here it is fall. I don't hate winter but summer is my top love. I read the entry about your "longing" it is just me...but I do not think you are too old. My hopes is one month a smile will cross your face. I wish you peace...
from la-the-sage :
Boo on headaches, YAY for getting a lot of housework done! That's where I'm at today too. My house is GROSS! ~LA
from annanotbob2 :
I hope and wish for you, too. Remember how unlikely Baby Boy seemed? Yet there he is. Love xxxxxxx
from fightn4life :
I have had both good and not so good yard sales. The best one was when I moved out of a house to our farm many years ago. I lived right on main street and across the street from a food store. I had some nice things that wouldn't fit in the smaller place we moved to. I think I made a few hundred dollars. Was it worth it??? It was a pain in the butt and had so much stuff left over. I did what you did...gave it away. Still I had several boxes that I donated and a few I just tossed out. Hope you 4th is a wonderful one. Be safe. Sandyz
from la-the-sage :
Sounds like a great weekend! Good luck with the trailer, hope it's clean and comfy and the right price. ~LA
from annanotbob :
Have you seen the site mapometer.com? That's for runners in training to work out their distances. Good luck xx
from annanotbob :
I find writing things down (best that could happen/worst/middle type thing) stops them eating my brain so much. If it takes you away from your family too much you could sell it on. Hugs dear friend xx
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison...I too have been silent as well. I wish very much we did live closer and could sit back, talk, and have tea. Congrats on four years with your man...I wish you so much peace.
from fightn4life :
I miss your writings... xo
from fightn4life :
I can relate to your entry...I worry about what the future will be for my children and grand kids. I too have thought to run off to some safe haven...supplies and hide out. I am bothered by so much that is going on. I could have written your entry. Almost...it wouldn't have be as graceful as yours is. Thinking of you...and wishing you peace.
from annanotbob :
Real proud of your running! Excellent stuff. Feel free to rant at me via email or fb message about politics, especially why you don't feel even a teeny bit optimistic in the light of WI, Uncut etc. Hugs xx
from fightn4life :
Alison…the love of your life is as lucky to have you in his life as you to have him in yours. You did not marry down…you are a victim of the economy bust. There is a man that is educated far above most people…he is a greeter right now at Wal-Mart. The business he was working for down sized and he and his wife moved to this area because cost of living is lower, and his two year job search was a bust. Sad. But, not his fault. My dad married a woman 19 years younger than him…they have a beautiful life together…they kind of merged half way to meet each other. She seems older…dad younger. Age isn’t the issue…it’s the love. You both have more than most…at least more than what I have seen and lived through. Try not to worry about the future…age isn’t always a factor when someone leaves the flesh. I know from experience those of us that are born first are not guaranteed to die first. Life isn’t always far. Your life is so much brighter than mine…still I try to think of the possibilities ahead of me. Some times I am ok with it, other times a complete downer. So we muddle on through…as you have often said…the ying and yang of life. The highs-lows. I do wish you peace my friend. I have always wished you saw just a glimpse of what I see in you, through your writings, through your presence…you couldn’t help but love yourself. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
The “hole” you would leave in my life would be one that could never be filled. I have learned to live with this realization. Some very special people that by their absence leave a “void” it is something we learn to live around…but never fill. Other person may make an appearance even if just for a moment in time, however they are unable to fill another persons void. A new relationship emerges and may become special as well, but that is all, and their absence would again leave an unfilled space. This is my thoughts…through my experience only. xo I wish you peace
from annanotbob :
Don't worry about his temper tantrums - they're a natural part of development and will pass. I can't remember the precise point, but it's something like he can now understand that things can be different, can be changed - moved on from everything just BEING, where acceptance is the only response. You're doing it right - he has to know that the world is not always to his liking (which some parents seem to misunderstand) and that it's not the end of the world. I don't feel I'm very clear here, but I think you are a great parent. xxx
from annanotbob :
Thanks! Hope you feel better soon xx
from fightn4life :
Wow, Alison...you express my thoughts. I long for the Florida sunshine. (My girls and grandkids a great big plus too) I do try and get out for a walk at least four times a week, however this morning while taking out trash (they arrive at 6 am) I busted my as* on my driveway. No matter how careful I am, ice is unforgiving. As I picked myself up and half way crawled back to the garage, this thought came to me…{hope no one else was awake an witnessed that ungraceful fall.} LOL As much as I do enjoy the beauty of the change of seasons…my heart belongs to a sunny south. Hope the groundhog was correct…an early spring.
from annanotbob :
xxx
from fightn4life :
What a powerful entry Alison…I feel I am another step up the I understand you even more ladder than I was a moment ago. I do understand the wanting a second-third child…my brothers and sister are those that help light the path now that mom is no longer with us. How lonely I would feel…or more lonely if that can be, if I had no siblings. Of course all during my growing up years I wanted to be an only child. Being a middle child sucked. We don’t learn while young how enlightening having a sibling that recalls the black holes in childhood is. However I refuse to believe every thing I am told…a paradox coming from a large family. I feel even with the past you had which in truth I believe helped mode you into the caring person you are today…a invaluable friend, and a loving mother and wife. Every step you took brought you to this moment in time…you are worldly and wise for such a young woman. Even if baby boy stays the center of your world and ends up with no siblings he will just as pleased being the oldest and the youngest. My cousin is an only child and she loves it…says she is the favorite and no one can dispute it. She said she never cared there wasn’t a sibling in the mix. Her cousins and friends filled the gap. What ever comes to be I feel certain your son will be just as happy being the favorite…it is now your dream and his is just to have his mom, and dad, love him with al they have to offer. (I am speaking from memories of my younger life) I wish you peace and feel blessed you are a part of my life. {{Hugs}} Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Just so ya know - I do still peek in from time to time. I've moved my stuff (twice I think) and now hang my hat at http://bikinfool.wordpress.com. I had to dig a bit to remember my log in here so I could leave you a comment - but I completely forgot that you share a birthday with my youngest brother! Well, the day anyhow. He only just hit 43. Dang youngster! Glad to see you;re still hanging in there. Drop by & say hi some time! Brian
from fightn4life :
Hope you did enjoy your birthday, I thought about you wishing I could have spent your special with you. No word explain what it meant for you to invite me to share this coming holiday with you...and the sincerity you wrote back with. I would have loved to be a part of your family's togetherness...some day I plan to make a trip, connect with you once again the 3D world...and just have a great time. You are right a good time would do wonders for my bruised self esteem. If this holiday is any where close to how I felt over my birthday I am hiding under the bed all day. LOL At least I have my writing and am beginning to find out things about myself I had kept locked up for many-many years. I am so ready for the next chapter in my life and believe I will be just fine. Back to your entry...loved reading it. I wish you peace...and thanks again...your invitation meant more to me that you will never know. I wish you peace.
from fightn4life :
I understand all you have written about. I also find myself feeling poor…then feeling guilty because I am not as poor as some. This is also the first time in many years I am not self sufficient. If I walked away today I would be homeless…that thought frightens me. I can afford this place but you know who lives here. So I live in hell to keep from being on the streets. I can only hope for us both that we will once again stand on solid footing…and once again be able to buy what and where we chose. My heart is with you Alison…I wish you peace. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so happy Baby boy is beginning to understand...well you know. ;} I signed up for NaNoWriMo this year. I am hoping against hope nothing "bad" happens. One year I had the Blazer accident...the next year I fell and broke the disk in my back. Maybe this year it will be a go and I'll have the time to write. It isn't the third time thing...my very first try I just gave up. This year I am thinking of writing fiction. That will be a first as I love to write what I know...however, I would love to add a bit of humor here and there...and as my life is a nightmare, if I write non fiction...depressing!!! Now to just think of what to write...at least I know I am going to write. It will be fun Alison...you can be my inspiration. :) I wish you peace at work...been there and learned long ago the squeaky wheel gets the grease. No one notices the hard working people that really care. For some insane reason I have missed being in food service. Maybe it is because I want out of the trap I find myself in. Hummm...gotta think on that one. xo
from annanotbob :
Big big big hugs {{{{Alison}}}}
from fightn4life :
I would love to do the minisaga again. So glad you are looking into a creative writing program...you are very talented. That will be fasinating to see updates about what all you are learning. I would love to learn from you. :)
from fightn4life :
I read your past entries and connected with..."Man, oh man, I' tired." That was some deep and fasinating writing. I am so glad you were able to go to the writers symposium, lookin forward to hearing your thoughts about it. So glad you had a couple of good nights sleep, no matter how you got there. I wish you peace...Sandyz
from opposure :
It's hard to have hope for a material future when, ultimately, there is no material future. Peace lies only in the present - and even as I know this to be true, I still struggle with the notion that all things are impermanent, that joy derived from things will not last. I empathize with your plight. I hope you find some balance in your life. It's ok to care.
from fightn4life :
I hope once you wrote in your diary you were able to sleep. I understand not having family close by. When soon to be ex is moved out I will have no family here in PA, except my son and he is 100 miles north of here and well…you know. I think your sleepless nights could be the change of seasons…I noticed it here and while living in Ark. While living in Florida (no winter) I didn’t have the restless feeling of the upcoming winter months. I think neither of us is a fan of the snowy season. I do miss being in the Sunshine state. I am sending you positive energy, and will continue to wish for you peace. Try not to stress about baby boy being hesitant about using the potty…I went though almost the identical ordeal with my first born. Some little ones catch on quick, others for no reason test our parental patience. I was lucky back then because my mother in law had more patience than I and once my daughter figured out it was OK to use her special chair the frustrations became a memory. One that now seems trivial in the grand scheme of life. I wish you peace, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison it is good to be back. I wish so much you could get a job that was suited for you, I worked for years in food service and it is a dog-eat-dog world. When I was young I had the best times, as I got older I was over looked many times. A blasted age thing. Even if you have lots of experience, most of the time it is the whiners that come out ahead. Slackers too. Most likey once they ever figure out what to do about my back I'll be forsed back in the food world. I have worked many places before...maybe thay will take me back. :) Good luck my friend, I read your diary for hours last night just catching up.
from opposure :
I sure loved listening to Obama's speech. He seems to engender a passion in his listeners for whatever subject he chooses, and he always seems to choose the right subjects.
from annanotbob :
The whole thing about 'death panels' makes me livid. There is no such thing here, at all at all at all. My 89 year old mother herself refused treatment, in fact refused a biopsy because she didn't want treatment for cancer, but she would have been offered it. Death panels - such wickedness to create fear like that. Obama is such a good man. Wish he was ours, but I think after Bush you earned him! xxx
from alienamiss :
It WAS a floating center tag. Ironically? It came from the before-after being centered. Bah--!!
from alienamiss :
Naw; that doesn't affect it one lick. See?
from annanotbob :
Yay for your dojo, Alison! Well done for getting it together. As for your family... sigh... you do good, you know? Be proud of who you are, dear friend. Love and hugs always xx
from opposure :
Ah! Very cool. The world can always use more writers :) . I'm not sure I would know what to critique about your application, since I don't know the criteria. However, you seem to have a good attitude about it. Any experience that encourages one to create is usually a positive one. Good luck.
from opposure :
Interesting. I'm sure I missed something along the way; for what, exactly, would this serve as an application?
from annanotbob :
Do it, do it, do it!!!! You are a fantatsic writer and I bet you'll love it and be brilliant xx
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. I do understand about not having anyone to talk to except my "shrink." At times I don't feel as if i can really talk to her about my deepest concerns. So I dread going and say so little while there. Right now I feel as if I am in a back up time machine...my mom was me inspiration and now I just feel tired-alone. I pray you find peace and once you find it give me a call or send a map. ;) Sandy
from annanotbob :
And me. You've got me. Not much comfort all these miles away and in much the same mental state, but I'm here voluntarily because I love you. I wish you could tell all the crappy people in all the restaurants to just fuck right off. Ah well. Hugs xx
from la-the-sage :
My motto when my boys were young was if they weren't filthy they didn't have enough fun. ~LA
from annanotbob :
Please, please, please Alison, don't write negative things about yourself like 'I suck.' You have achieved so much, you have 'coped' beyond what is endurable and now it's catching up with you, like it does. Be kind to your dear struggling self. Which includes only saying/writing nice things about yourself. I know it's hard - I have to fight against it myself, but it's a really important part of recovering. No self-abuse, not verbal, not written. Do not give any further credence to these distorted beliefs. Love, your somewhat-bossy-but-in-a-good-way-I-hope friend, Anna xxxxx
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry for the loss of your chicken...some times things just happen. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you seem to juggle so many things you can't see or hear every thing. My thoughts are with you, Sandy
from annanotbob :
Awesome - I mean, just awesome!!
from annanotbob :
Thanks for your message, Alison. I've finally managed to make contact with a friend of hers in NYC who is just back from Europe and is going to find out how she is. I'm glad you're looking after yourself. Wish I could give you a great big hug. Love xxx
from fightn4life :
I related to your entries Alison…I went back and read the one you first wrote when you were to write at least 10 min a day. My therapist wants me to write a letter a week to my dad. That would be 4 letters this month…so far I have written none. I also feel what you wrote about how you think everyone has their life from A to B. My life much like you has no beginning no ending. I have been all over the place and really going no where. Back wards maybe. I would hate to change therapists…it felt like I was draining myself to get as far as I have with her. Memories from the past…most I didn’t want to re-visit. I too related to how at one time you were working seven days and getting things done…I feel the same here…I can’t get the motivation to keep on track. The garden is weedy, house half done. I was super energized when I first got back from Indy and was stripping wall paper and painting. Now that reality has set in and I realize my mom is forever (in this life) lost to me. I can not motivate myself to finish what I started. The painting is all done but I had big plans to complete each room and totally organize my life. Now I feel over whelmed by doing this. Of course I have no one helping…I have a rock on my back and I feel as though I am losing my grip on life in general. Just wanted you to know I do understand some of what you are going through…I do know they are very different as well. My heart and thoughts are always with you…maybe I’ll give writing at least 10 minutes a day on all days I am not working 12-hours. I need to do some thing…things are really bad here. Peace always, Sandy
from annanotbob :
xxx
from annanotbob :
xxx
from annanotbob :
xxx
from pikachu1lt :
Alison what you put there well.... Human life sucks and I exepct it to and am amazed when there is a kindness given to me. Acceptance is the only thing that has gotten me here in this life... Happy no I am not never will be I guess. But you ... you need to be able to your to young not to be. my friend. YOu have a beautiful little boy and a great husband... Smile my friend they are worth smiling for. I know how you feel though.. My thearpist told me to change my diet and that would fix everything... I found a new therapist.
from la-the-sage :
GAH! Therapists! If you stumble across one who's actually an ally then it's a rare, rare, rare gift. I am also an atheist who is bewildered by those who need a punishing, watchful God to make them behave like a decent being. I believe in giving out what you want in return, therefore have no problem going 'first' when it comes down to being kind and generous of opinion. But, dang! It's difficult sometimes when everyone else seems to be playing by rules not made known to me. ~LA
from annanotbob :
Hugs xxx
from fightn4life :
So glad you had a nice mothers day...mine was just a day. So goes life. I would love to try to write a minisaga, send rules and some kind of inspiration. We might be able to get a few others to join in. Sounds fun. Coming out of the dark would do wonders...even if just for a moment in time. Loved your story "The Siblings Binary." Peace my friend, Sandy
from annanotbob :
xxx
from pikachu1lt :
Glad you had a good day Alison you deserve it.
from pikachu1lt :
I understand every word your talking about Alison. But I am stagnate... still neither moving forward nor moving backward. I just exist. My hugs are reaching out for you
from pikachu1lt :
Alison at least you have teh ablitiy to still feel. That is one up on me. I too have bipolar yep the scary word and I too am falling apart at the seams. I too find myself crying but I dont' know why. Because this world no longer means anything to me. I have no pleasure only pain. I wish you peace my friend for I am in your place .... know exactly how bipolar can affect you. Goddess hold and keep you.
from opposure :
"No matter where I go I'm falling.". Wow. I just read that and felt an overwhelming urge to tell you that it affected me. And I noticed that you had comments enabled ... so I thought I would offer that. I won't say that "I know how you feel" because I'm sure I don't. But I can say I have felt like saying exactly what you said. Take care. - s
from annanotbob :
xxx
from pikachu1lt :
Alison I know that it is hard to live through each day when things seem to be totally surmountable. It is a uphill battle and it seems like it just isn't worthwhile sometimes. But... I guess it is...IF you have read my enteries lately you will know I too am on an uphill batle and I wish you the best. I wish you peace Leona
from annanotbob :
Aw honey, I wish I was there - I'd give you a big big hug. Try not to be hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know). Your darling is a wise man - lists can be a help, so long as you don't make them too long. Sometimes a person does merit a gold star for starting to wash some dishes. In the yoga booklet there's 'alternate nostril breathing' which is the most soothing thing ever. I do it up to a count of 40 breaths. I wish you peace, dear heart, and I'm putting something in the post for you tomorrow (it's already addressed and ready to go) xxx
from annanotbob :
I've been thinking of you a lot these last few days, as it's a year since I was with you. A year!! Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You have a depressive illness yet you still hold down a job (more than I managed) and a job you don't enjoy at that, which is even more of an achievement. You are bringing up a gorgeous little boy, keeping him safe, happy, stimulated and well fed. You are keeping a successful relationship going. All of these are hard things to do, yet you are doing them. OK, you're behind with the veg - big deal. And you sent me not one but two lovely cards which meant so much in these dark days. Lots of love, lovely Alison. Wishing you peace and sleep xxx
from annanotbob :
Hugs my friend xx
from zuzus-petals :
Oh, Alison, I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
from annanotbob :
How about getting some art materials out and just kind of playing with them? Let your fingers decide what to do, have no aim, so there's no failure, it's just about passing a bit of time. How was the yoga? Hugs xxxx ps don't be fooled by fb status updates - mine are always cheerful/neutral because my kids are all on there and I don't feel they need to see their mother's pain broadcast to our whole social and family circle. And fuck everyone else anyway, what matters is YOU xx
from annanotbob :
xxx
from annanotbob :
Oh Alison. I wish I lived along the road. From my experience of major depression, I think you were given good advice. Getting started is one of the hardest parts, but exercise definitiely improves mood, if only in the short term. Yoga is brilliant - did I give you a copy of my 'simple yoga' booklet? If not I'll send you a copy, as I'm sure you and your darling could manage with that and it's a good little routine. CBT is great. And I absolutely agree about having something to get your brain into, a mental challenge. Love and more love and a big hug, your friend, anna xxx
from fightn4life :
I just had to say I am thinking about you Alison...you are in my thoughts. I wish you peace my dear friend...so much peace
from annanotbob :
Hugs xxxx My group has been a bit CBT, a bit Buddhist, a bit neuroscience... it's good stuff. Pictures of Bob for Baby Boy will follow xxxx
from fightn4life :
I wish so much I could do or say anything -something to help bring you the peace you long for.. I relate so much to your life as I live on the other end of someone that has the disease some what like you suffer with. I often find myself trying to help my husband and lack the sensitivity that he must desperately need. I learn from you how hard it is to not be able to just wake up one day and be free of depression. I am working hard not to take my husbands moods personal…it is he that lives with demons I find so hard to understand. If some day you could flip past the parts of my book that deals with the immediate loss of my grandson and read the later chapters about living with grief that falls into depression…I wrote so much about how it is ok to be on your own journey and not worry yourself so much about your lack of feeling unable to move past the pain of the past. It is ok to be the beautiful soul you are, inadequacies and all. I know it will not ‘cure” you, however, it just might take some of the worries you hold and just know even though someone you love might not understand we-they are capable of unconditional love. You have so much to offer my friend…if only you really understood how much you have helped me out of the darkness so many times over the years. I feel honored to call you a sister my heart…as well as a dear friend. Much love, I wish you peace…Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Aw, I wish I lived round the corner. But be sure 'fluctuating cognitive function' is a recognised feature, along with appetite, sleep etc. It's a consequence, not a cause. Baby steps, slow steady and determined. {{{hugs}}}
from pikachu1lt :
What is it with you guys and facebook? I find it irritating. I can't navigate it (yeah dumb here) so it just plain irritates me. Same with Myspace. Anyway .... glad you had a good Thanksgiving ours was boring. Looks like Christmss is also going to be just another day here. Happy Holdays Alison.
from fightn4life :
I also find myself also lost in the mindless games on face book. I keep telling myself to set new goals. For some reason I don't pay attention to what I know is best for me...so the mindless games continue. For now. :) I wish you peace.
from fightn4life :
I got a card yesterday…I sent a package to you today. It was sent in love to be read with love. I agree with your entry…too many rules governed by people that have nothing better to do than judge others. I try not to find my heart filled with hate. They win. But still I feel the internal fires burning watching this country of freedom stripped of freedom. Why can’t people just let others make their own choices and go about their own lives? This world we live in is in sad shape…it saddens me. I wish you peace, Sandyz
from la-the-sage :
Agree completely! I was so disheartened by the vote in Maine I couldn't even write about it. Shoot me a note at FB and we can friend each other. Sorry it took a while to get back to you, things have been confused here. After tomorrow's funeral I'm hoping Life will right itself again. ~LA
from pikachu1lt :
Alison I couldn't agree with you more. There shouldn't be on eset of rules for some folks and another set for someone else we were all created equal so why not treat us as equal.. Our sexual or religious preferances should not have anything to do with it along with race that shouldn't either underneath we are all the same you cut them or us don't we bleed red.
from annanotbob :
What's happened? I can tell something has from facebook status updates, but can't see what it is. Love xxx
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison...did you decide if you were doing Nano? I was going to but so much going on this month I decided I would have only two weeks to write...busy the other two.
from pikachu1lt :
They do grow up so fast. And eventually they don't wanna help anymore. sad day that. Cherish each and every minute. Goddess speed Alison.
from annanotbob :
Ahhh! Thank you for sharing. xxx
from awittykitty :
One of the hottest guys I ever dated was a really great cook. And he was very macho. A total jock. He even volunteered his cooking skills down at a Salvation Army place, which I thought was awesome. In fact I've dated quite a few male cooks. I, myself can't cook. My mom never let me in the kitchen as a kid and I never developed an interest. I say, if a kid likes something, encourage it, for goodness sakes!
from zuzus-petals :
OMG, I can't believe I missed his birthday! BAD me!! I'll fix that! MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL.. HAPPY BDAY BABY A!!!!
from zuzus-petals :
OMG, I can't believe I missed his birthday! BAD me!! I'll fix that! MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL.. HAPPY BDAY BABY A!!!!
from fightn4life :
First…Happy Birthday to baby boy…you sound like a mother who adores her baby. I could feel the pride and love you shower on him…it is a nice connection. Don’t feel intimidated by who you are Alison…so what if your house isn’t like all the others you talk about. If I were judged by my house or inside of my car for that matter I would be somewhere down a drain pipe. My place is in no way close to comparison to any of the people I know…I don’t have niceties and matching this and that with interchangeable nick-knacks. My house is clean and I have things I love sitting around or hanging up, from people I love and care about. Nothing matches but when I sit back a flow of wonderful memories comes poring through…that is what I care about…the people that placed these things in my care. What was given in love was received by love…how could they possibly match. I don’t care what people think of me…what is important is how I feel about myself minus the guidelines of others. I like dancing to my own beat in life…and following my own set of rules that I may have changed a bit over the years to meet the changing times but they are my standards…not someone else’s. To me Alison, you are a wonderful kind hearted spirit. Your passion and ability to care for others radiates all around you…please don’t sell yourself short. The love for your little boy has a tune all of its own…I feel the rhythm all the way across the miles when I read your words. One should be so lucky as to have you call him son. Or to call you wife…or friend. I have seen people in their wonderful houses…they somehow lost the ability to love and care about their own children, families or friends. They start judging and then fear being judged. Every thing is bought…it is a grand show…but inside they are a miserable lot. I wouldn’t trade one moment with them…not one breath. Be kind to yourself…look where you are today and recall back when we first met in the cyber world. Alison…your place is brighter with love than most places I have seen in my lifetime. I wish you peace, Sandy
from pikachu1lt :
Don't feel bad Alison my X motherin law use to come in and pointedly ask me if the vaccum was broken and this was just after I vaccumed v.v In laws are a royal pain in the butt. Have fun at Baby boys birtday and relax it is not you
from pikachu1lt :
Alison I wish you a day that doesn't suck and I hope all is going somewhat well in your world. 1
from fightn4life :
Alison, this may surprise you coming from me…when I was serving we called the quests that came on Sunday’s “the God Squad.” I know it isn’t nice…but truth is just what you said…don’t leave me a pamphlet telling me of a fiery hell and brimstone and feel it is OK to make my Sunday a miserable one by constantly demanding my hurried time. There were ones that played a cruel joke and left a pamphlet resembling a five or ten dollar bill, that was most heart breaking when trying to feed a family and pay rent. I do hope your day was a good one…believe me I understand from experience that Sundays were the worst…no one wanted to work. Now my daughter is dealing with the same thing…she hates to work on Sunday’s…seems no matter where you live the “God Squad,” has no mercy. I wish you peace, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
xxx
from zuzus-petals :
Zoe sits in the bike trailor and reads her books until Ed goes downhill.. then it's all "weee!" and "more! more! more!"
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison, it was good to see you post. I have let my diary go through a dusty stage too. Besides going to Indiana, I have spent some of these “summer” months unwisely. I am working on that. This summer has been colder than ever and rainy. We too woke up to 50 temps a few nights ago. Today it was in the 90’s but cloudy. I also can not believe we are heading into fall. What about summer I asked. Oh well…your baby boy is adorable and sounds like mother hood has captivated you. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
Boy don't I know that summer is going by to fast it has felt like fall most of the "summer". We did have a few very few days of warm weather in which I loved it. I am glad to hear your doing well and that things are going towards completeion.
from boxx9000 :
I wish summer would last forever.
from annanotbob :
Hi Alison, nice to read you after so long (it seems, at least). I LOVED that you recommended Shaun of the Dead - that film is us, apart from the zombies of course, but the rest of it could just be us lot, comfortably-off modern Brits, a million miles from Michigan. Hope all is well, wish I could play with Baby Boy again xxx
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison, I once started a book on being a waitress. It started towards being filled with humor. I wish I had the start of that book. I raised my three kids being a server, when I went into managment I seemed to make more money but not when you counted hours verses pay. I was making less money working close to 70 hours a week. Mt best pay was right on the floor waiting on people. I know you must be a good waitress, you have an awesome personality. Keep working on that inner drive to write a book...it might not make you rich but it feels wonderful to have reached just one goal. I know it has for me. Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
Alison it is good to hear from you yet again even if it is just here. I am glad you delight in your little boy and your darling. I wish you peace my freind.
from boxx9000 :
It must be Murphy's Law or something that the BOSS always sees the one time out of 100 that we make a mistake, but seems to miss the 99 truly GREAT things we do. (((hugs))) I tell myself that I can't do any better than my best, so *OH WELL!*
from boxx9000 :
I LOVE to hear my granddaughter laugh, it is just the best thing ever, children's laughter.
from pikachu1lt :
Alison what a great picture and am glad that you had a good trip. Hope you got to have those smores.
from pikachu1lt :
Alison it is great to hear from you and yep the wheels of life continue on regardless of how or what we are feeling or doing. I am glad your going to be able to get away fro awhile and that you will actually be able to spend it with Darling and Baby Boy.
from annanotbob :
hugs xxx
from fightn4life :
Have a wonderful little get-a-way. Hope this up lasts the rest of summer. I do understand the side effects from the meds. Husband deals with it every time they change his medication. I wish he could talk to some one that understood his illness. This little town just hands him samples and it is try this and that. So far this week has been a good week for both of us. Your little guy is such a cutie. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Have you considered a support group?
from fightn4life :
So many times I feel like I am the worst friend ever as well...I can't keep up with diary, my own writing, snail mail, face book, my space, and life. I hope you know what our long distance friendship means to me. I have your picture on my desk top...I change it once a month. Zu saw it on another site and loved the picture of us. Seems like so many years ago. Did your dad like your book? I haven't shown mine to my dad yet. Kinda sooked about it some times. I have my reasons...but not for here to say. :) I don't think you are trying to buy friends...I hope not, I give things away all the time. It makes me happy, that is all. Miss hearing from you, Sandy
from pikachu1lt :
It is really great to hear from you and I am glad the baby boy is doing well and darling is taking such good care of you. Know your missed over at woofmang as well. But also remember that kevin keeps the light on. give me a holler sometime gentle.wind.thomack@gmail.com
from awittykitty :
And the reason your writing is crap, why? Why would you need your Dad's approval. If it makes you happy to express yourself, just do it.
from zuzus-petals :
I've never got a cookie AND I'm for sale.... what gives!?!
from boxx9000 :
99% of what we worry about never happens. Enjoy the now, it's the only thing you can control. (((hugs))) Have you read, "If you give a mouse a cookie?"
from la-the-sage :
As a friend of a friend I feel odd barging in and giving advice, but you are exhibiting all the classic signs of clinical depression, possibly post-partum (can hit later and last waaaaay longer than you'd think). I'm glad you mentioned a therapist, I hope she/he is still an active part of your life. The pit of self-doubt you're in right now is a toughie to climb out of, but you can and will with the right help. Please investigate alternatives, including anti-depressants and stepped up therapy. You DO NOT have to slog on feeling the way you do! It's not a failure of character, it's messed up body chemicals. Promise. ~LA (Who's been there.)
from zuzus-petals :
Oh yeah. and I love the new masthead thingy!
from zuzus-petals :
I think of you so often. I'm sorry things are feeling like this. I wish you more and more and more joy.. if nothing else, I wish you more joy.
from fightn4life :
Alison, I hope you had a wonderful Mothers Day. My peaceful thoughts are with you. Sandyz
from boxx9000 :
I earn more money than my husband but I consider our income as *ours*
from fightn4life :
I do understand the money dilemma…I am almost to the point of self destruct because I have no cash of my own…this would be the first time in my life. I have always been the one that had the major income…now I can’t get a release from my Dr. The last time that happened I left the state and didn’t tell my new job about my back…now I am looking at another possible surgery. And…depending on husband to make us a living. I would laugh out loud if I wasn’t so busy crying inside. Alison, right now you have a full time job…your baby. You also work out side the home and clean, cook, so many things. Try not to feel weird about asking for simple pleasures of the heart. My gosh, you deserve it. I am so glad you have chicks…I had some long ago. Sandyz
from la-the-sage :
YAY! Chickens! Good luck with them. ~LA
from fightn4life :
You have listed five things you are...I am still searching for even one. I always love to read your writing's. You are many things...an awesome friend as well, that you for got to list. :) Sandyz
from la-the-sage :
Hi! Thanks for listing me. Makes sense since we share a buddy (Anna) that you and I should be diary buddies, eh? ~LA
from boxx9000 :
PASSION. definitely. YES!
from annanotbob :
Hello dearie - I think you are an Alison, not just any old Alison (I won't put your second name here) but a very special and unique one, made up of a particular mixture of ingredients. Writing is in there, for sure. I hope all is well well well with you and your lovely family. I'm getting back on the bus shortly. Love it. xxxx
from fightn4life :
Have a wonderful Easter! I too have the desire to write my stories...my kids and grandkids will never know the me they can not see. Kinda sad. Sandyz
from boxx9000 :
Peace, Love, Health and Happiness. I am thankful for Anna allowing our paths to cross. It's a small world after all.
from annanotbob :
You are a darling girl and it has been a pleasure and a privilege to be made so welcome into your beautiful home. But I know what you mean about feeling unable to articulate it properly. Viz my entry today. I wish YOU peace. Always xxx
from boxx9000 :
Just stopping by to wish you an early HAPPY EASTER. WIll you be dyeing eggs and making a basket for your son? I'm so happy to have 4 whole days off work. I hope you and Anna are enjoying your time together. Peace, Love, Health, and HAppiness. ~BoXx
from boxx9000 :
Thanks for the add on the buddy list and the sweet comment. I'm happy you and Anna are having a nice visit. The scenery looks BEAUTIFUL.
from boxx9000 :
Has Anna arrived yet? It's 4PM here in California.
from annanotbob :
Yoo hoo! Half way here! I feel the same - that I can only be a disappointment, especially after Boxx's glowing reports. We'll be good though, I'm sure xxx
from boxx9000 :
Hi Alison, I've enjoyed having Anna here for a visit, she's very easy to have as a house guest and good company, too. I'm sorry to have her leave me but she will be leaving tonight (3AM) It's been a great week here in California and I know next stop at your place will be wonderful as well. ENJOY!
from fightn4life :
My heart goes out to you Alison; hubby has the same problem, his sleep interrupted by his thoughts. He has had a terrible time adjusting to new meds…seems he is fighting depression daily. He seems to fall back when the weather is fixed on grey days. It is snowing today…where is spring? You are such a talented young woman…I wish you so much peace. As for note on FB…not to worry many do not know I keep a running Diary and wish to keep it that way. I am glad you are absorbing a bit of Zazen…peace will find a place to rest when you meditate. My thoughts are with you my friend. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Hugs. Hope you got back to sleep xxx
from fightn4life :
Relating to you as you think of the mother is something I too can feel. No parent should have to watch any child move on before their time, and as you wrote, “A child is forever, they grow up before your eyes but they never stop being that precious, tiny little baby, smiling little toddler, or adventurous youth.” My thoughts are with you Alison, and I hope you found a bit of peace letting this out. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I highly recommend the hot tub thing. You'll enjoy your vacations at home more and you'll save money in the long run.. or at least that's what I told myself when we got ours.. heh.
from fightn4life :
I love choco cookies when the world seems a bit out of whack, really I like them any time. I am so sorry abouts your hubbies mom...so sorry. Positive thoughts will b with you. I too am lucky that my parents are still with us...something I dare not dwell on. I hope you find so much relaxation when you get your new hot tub...I know times are difficult but I think you deserve to be pampered. I love looking at your page and the pictures of baby boy...he makes me smile. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
I think your freezer is possibly bigger than my house!! xx
from fightn4life :
Your life with the little one sounds like you enjoy being "mommy." Some times I miss my kids back when they depended on me to bring sunshine to their life. They grow too fast and find their own way...hopefully better than my path. I do understand feeling lost when husbamd talks to his family about days gone by...I really miss my family. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Lovely to have you back Alison xxx
from fightn4life :
Your baby boy is adorable...forgot to mention I got the pictures and video you sent. Loved the food eating one. I hope so much you will begin to feel better and less tired. I feel the weight of age getting me down...maybe it is just the weight of life. Hard to believe I made six major moves in the last year and a half and three of those moves were going to new states at least 1,000 miles apart. I think my next move will be to my final resting place...just too tired to keep up at this pace. Thinking of you, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Have a wonderful trip and enjoy your frends visit from CA. I think of you and baby boy often I wish you peace, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
xxx
from annanotbob :
Hugs xxx
from pikachu1lt :
Alison how I know how this feels the past catching up to you and sometimes overwhelming you. Mine has had a habit of doing just that lately. You have my email addy I think if not you can message me and I will give it to you. I have long thought bout old quit buddies and yours and sandyz both have come up often in my thoughts.
from annanotbob :
Hello dear - I see your name in the box - are you awake in the middle of the night? It's Tuesday morning here. I am so glad you enjoyed the lamb stew - it really is cold weather food. Hope you are feeling well, love xxx
from annanotbob :
Thanks for your note - I'm so glad you're still with me. This holiday dream is taking shape, but the distances are a bit hard to fully comprehend. But see you soon, my friend, see you soon!!!
from smokefree-me :
So good to see you update. Should probably just pester you more, eh? About your old friend - forewarned is forearmed. You have the tools to deal with this. Boundaries.
from annanotbob :
Hello darling, here's my ten penneth, for what it's worth. Given that there was a time when you shared more than just drama (talk about science etc), and that there's something you do miss about her, I would be inclined to (cautiously) give her a chance. You have changed massively since you saw her and maybe she has too. Maybe you were both inconsiderate back then. Maybe she'll drive you nuts again and you'll stop seeing her for good, but maybe she'll bring some sunshine. Maybe this isn't the time, but it could be just the thing. Love, your future porch-sitting companion, Anna xxx
from starhearts :
Thanks Alison for the website info and I will definitely look into it further as I don't know that the diagnosis has been made for that they are saying depression for sure but it maybe the other as well..tag team combo is always fun. In any case my job is now on the line...got to love the Church at Christmas. Thankfully I got out before they decided I was going...I guess that given the state of things they get there wish either way but alas that is part of working with challenges with mental health. I know that it can and will very likely get better if I get the right diagnosis, the right meds and have the right supports in place. Life will in the end likely be better then it is now but it will be a bumpy ride first off to get there. Glad I started taking courses last term that is for certain!!! Gives me some head start towards something else in the end. Hate to be losing my career over this stuff given the years I have tried to manage it and the 8 years I have put into the churches to date. Will be interesting to see what life holds into the future. Merry Christmas!!! And take care of you :) Thanks for dropping in and I hope to add you as someone I can read along with now :) C.
from annanotbob :
It's always good to here from you, dear Alison. I still aspire to sitting on a porch next to you holding mugs of coffee as the sun goes down. Wishing you well xxxx
from smokefree-me :
Put simply, that is a child's job description - push the limit, find the boundary. You are in for such a great treat the next, oh - 18 years or so. But their capacity for learning the next 3 or 4 years is astounding. Enjoy every minute! It's so good to see you hanging in there. Keep digging.
from smokefree-me :
Well said Alison. If all we have to do to get you writing more is find more things that really get your knickers in a knot - I'm off to search them out!! How do you feel about gun control? ANWR oil drilling? Natural gas mining in the Wyoming sage grouse habitat? Golden parachutes for executives of failing corporations? Hmmmm? (Nice to see your written word again!)
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you are going to try writing a novel through November...positive thoughts will be with you. I decided not to compete this year as I have just finished my manuscript and plan to get it in order for a publisher to hopefully give it a look. I hope you are feeling better and your creative juices will once again flow with ease. It was wonderful "talking" with you over morning coffee. I wish you peace, Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Gah!! A vowel movement! It is so good to see you surfacing again, even if it's only long enough to declare your intents for NaNoWriMo. Hope it's a positive step on the path towards getting your groove back! Be well, all the best to you & your clan.
from silverluna :
Look me up: silvercchile
from silverluna :
I'm reading. And I will attempt to NaNo. This is my third year. I've only managed to write very few words. I'm a very to-the-point person, so I will try to stretch myself again...
from annanotbob :
xxx
from annanotbob :
Hello, dear Alison. I hope things are going well with you and your family. Thanks for buddying me on Nanowrimo - I had a note telling me about it when I opened the site, but then it vanished and I can't find you to buddy you back. Could you send me a note on the Nano site? Thanks. I feel very anxious about even attempting it this year, after failing last year, but have just come up with the idea of doing a modern, mainly-female version of Macbeth, which gives me a structure to work within. Do you have any ideas or are you just going to wing it? Love and hugs xxx
from smokefree-me :
Keep climbing. Claw your way out of this hole. I miss reading your words, interpreting your thoughts. NaNoWriMo seems like a good goal. If in 3 weeks 50,000 words still seems overwhelming, how about shooting for 500 a day, maybe 1,000 a day? Hang in there my friend!
from fightn4life :
Alison...just maybe it is the change of season effecting your moods...husband has a difficult time when winter is knocking at the back door. Once November slides in you may find an inner drive to dig deep into your creative thinking and the words will come. You are a gifted writer, I hope you can regain your energy and allow the energy to flow. Miss you my friend, I wish you peace...Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish I could just sprinkle pixie dust on you and make everything better. But. My pixie dust has passed it's expiration date. Trust in your Darling, take care of yourself as well as you can and know that there's folks out here that are thinking of you & yours daily, just sending the good vibes your way. Baby steps is all you need. Just keep moving.
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry you are dealing with an emotional roll and I do understand how it feels to know you are qualified to be in a line of work but have to settle for something else. I spent years in management an then over the years kept working at jobs (just to get by) My last job I hated because I knew I was qualified to do more, but my expertise was so far back in my resume it felt like just a ghost of my past. Now I have the time to do what I have longed for and I find myself with shifting moods and at times too bogged down emotionally to get my butt in gear. I am going to work on that. I do hope you can figure out a way to add writing to your daily schedule, you are gifted with words. My thoughts are with you...I too wish you peace, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Hugs xxx
from fightn4life :
My thoughts are with you, Peace and wellness...my thoughts today for you, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Hugs, honey xxx
from fightn4life :
Every thing you have experienced in your short life has allowed the beautiful person you are to emerge. Your time was not waisted Alison, you are a multi talented young woman. Boost of your accomplishments, you have that right and your young one should know some of the inner ticking's of his mother...your blood rages through his. It is never too late to pick up the pieces of your long ago dreams and put them in motion. Write, illustrate, dance, and allow the precious you, the part that hides her head in the sands of time and take the leap. I love hearing about all you have done in your life, and I feel certain baby boy will burst with pride hearing edited stories of who his mother is. The parts that stand out in my mind while reading about your path is ALL you did, not what you feel you failed at. Your new life has just begun. (I do hope we will meet again in the 3D world, I believe we will.) Always, wishing you peace my friend
from annanotbob :
xxx
from fightn4life :
My gosh has he grown...and what a cutie. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
what a beauty!!!!
from annanotbob :
Alison my darling, these things ebb and flow, don't they? We're both doing our best to hold our heads above water - whatever you do is good with me. Don't feel obliged to reciprocate in any way or I will have to come and smack you - I meant what I said - that book has been making me feel like crap - if you can use it, great, if it makes you feel like crap by being something else you 'ought' to be doing then dump it on a windowsill somewhere and see if it finds a home. Big hugs and love, your friend Anna xxx ps and a little nuzzle around the neckline of that darling little boy, if that's ok xxx
from zuzus-petals :
it looks beautiful!!!! great work o the floors!!!
from smokefree-me :
GORGEOUS!! Your floor came out very, very nice. Pneumatic nailer too, huh? Fun toy. Be proud of your work!! Ya done good!
from annanotbob :
Oh, Alison! xxx
from smokefree-me :
My buddy list says you updated, but all I see are the gorgeous pics you posted of your vacation. Change your mind about a post? (Your son is nothing short of adorable by the way)
from smokefree-me :
Your young man is getting so big, so fast!! Sure looks like the 3 of you had a good time. The scenery is absolutely gorgeous too. What a great place to get away.
from zuzus-petals :
You have such a BEAUTIFUL family!!! Did you get my emails re: your questions? - Zu
from annanotbob :
Fantastic!! He is so gorgeous - he must get it from his parents xx
from silverluna :
yay family! they're beautiful pictures!
from annanotbob :
xxx
from smokefree-me :
Hmmmm. Did you post then recant your story?? Hope your baby sitting situation is coming to a satisfying resolution.
from silverluna :
Wow, I am the same way. I don't want to live in the land of what if, but I tend to get there every time. I do things half a$$ed, and I get upset with myself for that. I am a pessimist too, afraid that something will go wrong and mess everything up. But I am trying to change the way I think. Shawn showed me how to be more positive. The time I spent with him was definately a what if time, But God knows everything. It's more like a question of when than what if now...oh, sorry i'm ranting now. I've got alot on my mind...
from fightn4life :
I hope you find yourself on the writers path what a wonerful way to walk between two worlds. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Love is all you need. A week in the U.P. sounds idyllic. You've more than earned a little leisure time.
from smokefree-me :
Oh man, I so know wht yo mean about trying to stay open, then not remembering what you've shared, what you haven't then erring on the side of caution and not risk repeating yourself. Good luck with the day care situation. Don't be afraid to change if you end up not liking your first choice.
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry Alison, I do understand how fragile family relations can be, mine was put to the test for "letting" their step dad walk away. My side was never asked and none of them have read my diary so the past is where it is...the past. To my girls (mostly the oldest and my grand daughter) it is ALL my fault they lost their wonderful caring step father. I too am almost in a panic on how to make ends meet, the numbers do not add up. I work come home and sleep, (ok, I fixed my computer but it is my only life besides work) I wanted to update but I'm so far in a funk I haven't wanted to write about it. My heart is with you, I hate to read about your stuggling with health and money. The gas here is 4.98, it was a $48.00 fill up last night on my way home. That is four and 1/2 trips to work, I am now making a bit over two more dollars an hour than the price of a gallon, and they just cut back our hours. (I'm screwed) You might find me on the new series "homeless down south" any way just know I am thinking of you and your darling little family. At least I had my days in the sun, now I don't really care about much of any thing. Just waiting... Sandyz
from fightn4life :
You are lucky to have a partner that is there for you when you feel as if your world is crashing around you; you deserve it so very much. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
xxxx
from annanotbob :
OK, maybe he does deserve you. Hurrah for your darling and for you xxx
from annanotbob :
Aw babe, {{{{{hugs}}}}} no answers, just hugs xxxx
from zuzus-petals :
is that your nose or are you just happy to see me? heh. i think part of 'what's just in your head' is a notion that much of what/who you actually are is 'just in your head.'
from fightn4life :
It has taken time but the day after mothers day my two daughters, granddaughter, and I all got together for an awesome M.D. lunch...we are all moms now and we had a wonderful time. I was thinking of you and Zu, first mommy's day. (I worked all day on Sunday, same with my granddaughter.) Not a perfect world. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
he's so beautiful!!! happy mother's day. i can hardly wait to meet him in 3d... one day... sigh. what kind of baby food grinder do you use? - zu
from fightn4life :
Oh my Alison he is adorable, I hope to meet him someday when you or I travel across the states. Maybe instead of breaking a heart he'll be like your new life, and able to capture a heart and feel the genuine love you now radiate. Wouldn't that be awesome, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
yay! thing are looking up?!
from zuzus-petals :
From what I read, 1 - 4 have one thing in common - the need to learn how to be intimate.. what intimacy is, etc. Hae we chatted about that before?
from smokefree-me :
Oh man, do I have comments. For here & now, I'll offer only one: Constructive criticism is given with love. The giver also allows you the room to grow and to improve that which they were critical of. The criticism is also offered for your good, not theirs. Deconstructive denigration is done out of fear, jealousy and/or hatred. The denigrator has no desire to see you improve. In fact, they'd rather you sat there wallowing in despair so that they might come back later and make themselves feel better by abasing you again and again and again. Examine the criticizers motives. That will reveal constructive or destructive intents. Letting go again and again, until it finally sticks. It's got an ironic twist that rings so true. Whew! Sorry for the wordy outburst. Me thinks you struck a nerve. In fact, your inventory was like looking in a mirror. If I remember, I'll send something under separate cover.
from blueyedmom :
A lover once told me that sometimes when one thinks they are "low maintenance" they really are not. I had to think long and hard about that. I always thought I was low maintenance, never asking for anything, never accepting help, doing it all on my own. I realized, that it was hard for that other person to love me because I would not allow him to offer me anything. Just some thoughts I had after reading your entry. By the way - I Love your writing. I've told you from the beginning you always inspire me to try to be a better person. and I didn't feel trapped or pressured to say that :) Have a wonderful day!!!
from annanotbob :
A couple of weeks ago my therapist, who is an ex-addict himself, 20 years clean, recommended the book he felt was the one that moved him forward. It's called 'Healing the shame that binds you' by John Bradshaw. I'm only a little way into it, but it touches on several of the topics you mention today, especially the asking for things. Love and a big hug and a little hug for darling baby boy xxx
from fightn4life :
Wonderful Alison, you have a man that wants to share his world, now you can share your thoughts. You sound strong, amkes me smile, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
i've really liked our revolution bob stroller - we got the one w/ the front wheel that can pivot or lock.... highly recommend that feature. i most use it w/ pivot on. most jogging stroller only lock. if u have hills, get a hand break.
from annanotbob :
( the note thing is being weird - sorry if I've left this loads of times) Hurrah! are you playing on facebook? I joined the non-facebook scrabulous but didn't manage to work it out at all. If you're on facebook, I'm Anna Mills at Brighton and Hove network - you'll recognise me from the pic I reckon, in a bright orange dress. Just start a game with me and I'll play. If not on facebook then I don't know... Can't wait to see more pics of beautiful baby boy... Hugs xxx
from fightn4life :
I read several entries and was intrigued. I have no interest in meeting any one to share what life I have left in me, what freaks me out the most is my past. Roads my childen and I have traveled. I have no desire to explain or share my life with another, except as you said, in story telling. I have learned so much about me, about life and continue to do so everyday. To let yet another person back into my world, to trust again I do not see that happening. Maybe all I have been through during my beginning was to be shared; now I suppose my travels are destined alone. I too suffered years at the hands of an abuser, I can't think of one abuse being worst than another unless of course it effected children. My ex put me in the hospital many times, at the time, there were no shelters and woman didn't talk about such things, except with another abused woman. A friend of mine I have known from the 70's was beat up almost everyday, I don't think I recall not seeing her without a black eye for as long as she was married to her abuser. I used to think I was lucky mine was mostly a weekend warrior, (that is when he drank and got "mean.") It is hard going back to things you once did like drawing, painting whatever skills you have, almost like digging up bones, but don't allow fear of ghosts of the past to keep your gifts hidden, this only allows the ex to still have control. I do as you do more often than intended does. I tell too much of a story instead of just asking for something simple like an aspirin. Later I wonder why I felt compelled to write a book in someone ear just for sometime that has nothing to do with what I need now. I am working on this. Your entries are fascinating, seems even though I am walking alone I am coming front and center to many of the issues you have talked about in your entries. Must be the spring weather. I wish you peace y friend, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
hi u... feeding zoe & reading... see u online... hi!!!
from smokefree-me :
I think you're on to something there buddy o'mine. Baby steps it shall be. Remember - progress, not perfection.
from smokefree-me :
It's not us or your darling you're really hiding from. You're still hiding from yourself.
from lifeasme66 :
Hey there, I just stumbled upon your diary... I know what you're talking about. I used to enjoy so many more activities before I got on antidepressants. Now I'm considering coming off because, as much as it's nice not to be in such pain, I also miss being truly happy. I understand where you're coming from. Just wanted to tell you you're not alone... **HUGS!!**
from annanotbob :
xxx
from annanotbob :
Sammie never did crawl - she rolled everywhere till one day she stood up. Sara, on the other hand, spent weeks in a crawl position doing what looked like mini-press-ups before finally making a move xxx
from pikachu1lt :
Alison why don't you email me I don't hav eyour email addy mine is hotrodmama21@hotmail.com Just email me and I would love to answer all your questions
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, I know it has been ever so long since I left you a note. Life here has been so busy and depressing that I forget about those that I have been a Quiter with. I am glad to hear you have a son and a wonderful man. To bad we all can't be that lucky. I will try to get on more often
from fightn4life :
HUGS!!! Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Whew! Love xxxx
from smokefree-me :
Glad everything is ok. Enjoy your boys.
from fightn4life :
If I would have known this morning I would have driven to your place with some cream for your coffee. My thoughts are with you, I wish you peace. (And cream) Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
We got that snow you sent our way. Got those pics of your good looking family touring the butterfly gardens too! Sending virtual hugs and good thoughts your way. Hope your testing goes smoothly. Not allowed creamer in your coffee? Even one of the fat free or sugar free versions? Not fair!!
from annanotbob :
Wishing you peace, Alison, wishing you peace. Also wishing we were neighbours, so I could pop in, or invite you round. Love and friendship xxx
from smokefree-me :
Yeah, guys are terrible at tears. You're also right about wanting to fix things. It's what we do. I'll send all sorts of good vibes your way, you just send us all your snow. I'm beyond caring about it anymore. Spring is coming, Spring is coming!!
from annanotbob :
I'm scared too now - so go to the doctor's, please. I don't feel I've been a very good friend of late, but I am here for you and will be thinking of you, praying for a good result and checking in as soon as I get home tomorrow. You're right - the internet can be a dangerous thing. I hope you feel steadier as soon as possible. Love and hugs xxx
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison, you know I am here and my thoughts are with you. I am so hopeful you will be writing about how silly you are, (not that I believe that for a moment.) But if all is fine you will write a little entry saying you feel silly. I want that entry. Please keep us informed tests, revisits, everything. Please. My thoughts are with you, if you have time e-mail me on what is going on. I will not stop thinking about it until you do. Another thing, never feel the need to apologize for reaching out, my cyber friends have helped me walk when I swear I did not think I could even stand. My heart is with you, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
You are who you are Alison all styled in to the young woman you see each day while fixing your hair. You can run, hide and bury the past along the sands of time, protecting your new life is a good thing. Without the past roads you covered with scent of youth, could you "see" a fellow spirit standing where you once were and take the time to stop and reach out? Would you hear the lonely voice that cries to the night that you yourself have sang before? Would you understand, be compassionate, give hope, wish for peace?? You are a product of the past and a rebirth of the future, you tasted sorrow and among it found love, true and pure love. You are a trendsetter, a motivator and inspiration for anyone that falls in the muck. I am thankful you found your way into my world and have had such a profound positive impact. Without your past, we might have been two boats just passing in the night. No connection, no understanding, no beacon of light, thank you for being just who you are and who you are becoming, Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
You don't have to lie to protect anyone. You just wish to not speak of those other times. There may yet come a time when it might be useful to show the contrast of the 'you then' vs. the 'you now'. Besides - the people who love you most (with one notable exception) likely already know.
from fightn4life :
What a beautiful baby boy Alison, I can see you in him. Head bonking is part of it trust me first they bonk…then for the remainder of your life you'll be bonking your head in wonder. Glad you Valentines Day was a good one…minus the bit of apposing shifts. You sound happy my friend and that is what matters when the lights dim. Oh...and fresh corn, I have missed our farm in PA just because of that. Our veggie garden was my heaven. I am so glad our kids have those memories. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
xxx
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison, I just stopped by your world this morning. Love your format, he is such a cutie. You sound happy my friend I am so happy for you, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
i love, love, love the new format!! -Zu
from fightn4life :
I love the photo of your parents and this entry, Happy New Year my friend. We will one day meet again in the 3D world. yes, letting go is hard to do. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
It's ok to feel out of sorts Alison, you are a new mom and yes we always long better for our children than what we had. I too longed for emotional stability for my young ones, still do. I always loved this saying, "When they are young they step on your toes when grown they step on your heart." Unfortunately, it happens, well to me it has, but we just keep right on loving unconditional. Sandyz
from blueyedmom :
Congratulations on 4 years of sobriety!! That is awesome!
from fightn4life :
I hope you are feeling better Alison, my work too expects us to come to work despite passing on germs to anyone that is coming in behind us to their rooms. I sported a fever blister from hel* for over a week, it was one of the worst ones ever covering my bottom lip. I was off today but enough sickness lingered and it cost me a day from running around doing the last minute Christmas jog. I hope tomorrow that I feel less shaky. I understand your last post talking about life experiences not happening for a reason; I used to think all things happened for some kind of reason. I now feel unsure and believe things happen just because the luck of the draw or something. I do understanding being ready to move past this life, I find myself feeling I have lived all the life out of me. I am just tired now and at times unwilling to feel the lust of moving forward. I suppose in part because I did all things one could do starting a family early and already raising a family and grandkids, some how I missed the thrill of the race. Still more grandkids and now a great grandchild keep coming and I find myself lacking the thrill of the wait. Just tired I suppose of finding myself on yet another turntable going nowhere yet somewhere. I am thrilled you have reason to want to continue with life, I love the picture you sent of baby boy, what an awesome bundle of love. I do hope you feel better I know what ever happens with your job something else will be on the wings of change if need be. I have been thinking of doing as you suggested and writing little tidbits about my childhood, maybe some buried memories will come alive, it seems searching back through the sands of time only a few memories of my young life are awake. Thanks for the suggestion; I have missed writing, as my moods have been hard to connect with writing has been a struggle. What a better place to start but the beginning. Get well my friend, I wish you peace, Sandyz
from blueyedmom :
Thanks for asking about my sister. She is doing ok. Not as far along in her recovery as everyone (even the surgeon that fixed her leg)thinks she should be. She's just not very good at pushing herself physically. I don't know what to do to encourage her to try harder. As for my daughter. That's tough. We had that talk when she gave up E. She just knew that he was better off with us and gave up the fight. She claims to me (other then the day she said she didn't want to be a parent) and everyone that she wants A back. It's hard for me to tell my daughter to give up her children, even though everyone knows A would be better off with us. Still a tough subject to bring up. Thank you for the advice.
from blueyedmom :
You amaze me in your perception of things. You see things clearly, which really is an admirable quality, things that I missed the first time around raising my girls.
from fightn4life :
What a beautiful angel. I know I owe you an e-mail, life has been dreadfully busy and I am tired. Sorry, I'll catch up in a few days. Miss you my friend love your entries. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I think it is possible, although difficult... and maybe a child learns the anger part first and then they unlearn it? - Zu
from annanotbob :
I haven't been here in a while and I can't imagine anything that would have made me smile more than that photo! What a gorgeous, alert, happy little face, and how cute? xxx
from silverluna :
Yay!! He's so big!
from zuzus-petals :
OMG.. he's so big! He looks like a little person, I mean, like a little version of a big person... like he's in college and plays rugby or something! He's absolutely BEAUTIFUL! - Zu
from fightn4life :
Alison I am so sorry you were pushed out of your job, I understand that loss. I too had many problems in past years while raising kids; many do not believe women with children can handle both. I thought times had changed and the perception had changed, I hope you can nail those suckers. Thanks for your comments concerning my "new beginning," you are so right about this. The drinking has stopped all together but the sitting and watching the world go round is the new life. My heart aches but whatever happens I know I am strong enough to get through it, there can be many I told you so or people don't really change. (Most people) It has to come from within; I am beginning to think there is a void within him, one not or anyone or I can fill. We are down to the wire I have "hidden" money that will never be revealed, at least until the tables are turned and even then I am not sure. Once the trust has been broke, we tend to squirrel a away a part of us. Survival. I wish you peace my friend, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I hope you do sue - you were sooo wronged in that job. I'm with you on the Christian thing. I'm soooo over the fundies pushing their beliefs on everyone (what ever happened to the notion of "pray in your closet" and all that.) I finally left woofmang because it was just getting so overbearing and offensive and in-your-face and had nothing to do with smoking cessation. On the bright side, today marks day seven for Ed... yippee! He's doing quite well. - Zu
from smokefree-me :
I wish you the best of luck going after your ex-employer. Sounds like the *(#$%#* has it coming.
from blueyedmom :
Thanks for the encouraging note regarding my sis and the nursing center. She goes there today. I am raising both of my grandkids right now. My grandson is 5, has been with us since he was 6 weeks and will stay with us permanently. My granddaughter is 19 months. She has been with us since August 1st and will probably be with us until some time in May.
from exclamatory :
Hello, I stumbled across your diary and found it to be very interesting. I added you to my fav diary list. Perhaps we could be diary buddies? :)
from exclamatory :
Hello, I stumbled across your diary and found it to be very interesting. I added you to my fav diary list. Perhaps we could be diary buddies? :)
from blueyedmom :
Happy belated birthday! Sometimes your words ring so true to me that it's hard to read. But I love to read about you and your life! Odd, isn't it?
from zuzus-petals :
I know this may sound radical, but why not be honest with your parents. Tell them M is irritated because he hates it that you're taking your vacation home doing housework for them instead of vacationing, and that increasingly you're irritated with this as well - because you actually want to spend time with them, not cleaning their house. Perhaps when you go to visit, the day before you arrive, you schedule and pay for a maid to come in and clean? That might be a compromise worthy of pursuit? If it offends them... I'd contend it shouldn't offend them anymore than their daughter doing their chores during her precious time off. - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
We may again meet again in the 3C world; I am not far from Bush Gardens. Baby boy sounds like he is growing into a little angel, can't wait to see the pictures. I wish I had more handy woman skills for around here, I know allot but not enough. I can still learn. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I loved this entry Alison, wondering who that person you left beside the road hit me hard. I too have longed to find more than snippets of poetry of the many lives I have lived. Like you I have many journals started but more empty pages than filled ones. Who was I just as you ask who were you, what ticked in my mind during my first love, my life of physical abuse I ran away from taking the kids. Who was that person that changed when smoke not only cleared form my lungs but away from my eyes, my written thoughts too were lost on those smoking sites. I had saved so much on my old computer at one time, many questions and answers from your words. When my computer crashed I lost them all, not bothering to go back to the smoking sites and down loading as I had done before. If during my unpacking I find anything (I was one who copied many conversations) from the sites just to read later or show someone the thoughts of us quitters. If I haven't lost those as well I'll be sure to get them to you no matter how small. Many thoughts of peace, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Oh bullocks.. I wish I had some old posts for FFS, but alas, I do not! -Zu
from annanotbob :
Well, I've been a right bloody misery all day today (and yesterday, to be honest) but I feel more cheerful now xx
from zuzus-petals :
Two things come to mind. Ed defines "baggage" as an experience that happened in a previous relationship that you hold against the person in your new relationship. Because it happened with some other person, he contends, people think it's going to happen with the next person. It's never dawned on me that this would be the case - the Ed might do the messed up things that lead me to dump other lovers. I anticipate he'll be more original than that - and do some truly novel fucked up thing that will come as a total surprise. And you know, I rather like surprises (wink.) Secondly, historically, Ed and I have celebrated the holiday gift giving ritual AFTER the holiday, whilst the sales are hot. We each buy something for ourselves, that we really want, and then we show the other person what they "got" for us. This year I'm not working, so that will be weird, eh? But it doesn't make me feel weird. Because it's not "his" money or "your" money anymore... it's all "us" and "our" money, the question is, "how much are we budgeted to spend on each other for the holiday?" -Zu
from smokefree-me :
Happy Lunaversary you mad plumber you. You do realize you're an inspiration, don't you? Keep up the great, great work. ps - you're the youngest looking 40-something yr old I've seen in quite a while.
from princesse69 :
Hey there, just thought I'd let you know I'm reading along now so I've added you to my faves! I hope you can get more done soon, but don't feel bad about it. We all probably feel like we should accomplish more with our days but I'm sure you do plenty! Looking after a baby is a full time job on it's own. :) Have fun plumbing!
from zuzus-petals :
Oh by the way, do you ever read FIN's diary (I link to her on my diaryland blog... her's is titled "The Sunshine State.") If not, FIN is not a real person, but rather a character from a book, with OCD, the author has been blogging as the character (it's sad she's not a real person!) and the book is out now. Check out her diaryland site.. maybe it will inspire you to fictionalize it? - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Did you get the Hep B vaccine for X-boy? I'm thinking of waiting until Z is one year old before I start that one. What did you do? Our house is a never-ending project - we have hard water too - but mostly I just add water softener to the wash and anti-etching stuff to the dishwasher and leave it at that. One day I think I might install a water softener at the source... let me know how it goes! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I haven't started my novel yet either…in my head yes, on paper no. I think I'll be able to catch up today, I hope I can quiet my mind and think about my book. I heard they are looking at possible smow flurries in PA, (his) mom called, worried about (his) state of mind. I can't help him but makes me sad thinking about him. I look forward to the day I am busy moving into a bigger place, I like my space but want more than one room. I feel needy. :) Thinking of you, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
You could write your life story but with just a few little changes to name, body shape, hair colour etc of all involved. I've been told by several authors at workshops that this is all that's needed to stop folk recognising things. xxx
from fightn4life :
Hum, the novel writing month is fast approaching; I am almost legal here in Florida, I just may try it again this year. Tried two years in a roll both years disaster struck, I haven't a clue what I'll write about but…Hum? Well see what the mind comes up with tonight. Boy do I understand feeling afraid to trust again, not just men for me right now trust is an issue. I am working on it. Sometimes I start to feel used here and good Lord I just got here and my mind goes in panic mode. Some days I think I need a good listener, professional type. I feel myself guarding my feelings. Maybe it is all just so new, we'll see. Guess I look around and see if I can find the link to na no… Good grief I need to read your entry again. Thinking of you being that special mom every ones loves, Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Wow. A girl that knows (knew, at least) how to sweat copper plumbing? And you know about PVC plumbing and compression fittings? Be still my heart!! Ya know - you could work in a hardware store. Try H0me Dep0t if they have any near you. As far as you, your journey and the truth of what you've done. I think it's a wonderful topic for NaNoWriMo. It would be a great exercise for you, would offer some perspective on the trip you've made. Sharing it is completely your call - personally I'd be a little afraid. But you've come so far in 4 years, you should be proud of what you've accomplished. And welcome to your new home!!
from fightn4life :
It is wonderful to be reading about your world tonight, I have been mapping all the important places I need to be at over the next few days. I loved your little "pumpkin" picture you sent, I can not believe how cute baby boy is. I need a few days to back track through diaries, but with my new high speed, I think I'm going to love it, much peace my friend, I am finding little bits each day. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Good luck on Saturday. My thoughts will be with you. You should feel so proud of yourself for what you have achieved - brilliant!! Lots of love Anna xxx ps if you could email me your address I could pop a wee giftie in the post xx
from zuzus-petals :
That sooooo sucks! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
What a gorgeous little guy!! I think he has your cheeks. I owe you an email too. It's in the draft stage, I just need to finish it. I'm getting lazy with the lack of sunlight these days.
from silverluna :
He's so cute! And he looks bigger than from the last picture...
from zuzus-petals :
Ouch. I wish I was there to lend a hand.. even though I'm big and slow and not very helpful.. I'm sure I could do something. Can't they bring the dogs and leash them in the yard - thus enabling them to stay longer to help?
from fightn4life :
Oh my, what a lovely view, my all time favorite tree is the weeping willow. Love the house! Sounds like you and baby boy have quite the bond. You do mommy very well. Missed you my friend, I'll be leaving here for Florida next Weds, one week from today. The excitement is overwhelming. A tiny bit scary too. Sandy
from annanotbob :
Wow!! That is one lovely place! You are doing so brilliantly. Almost there. Huge hugs xxxx
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison, We all have fears raising a new life that his given to us with our blood running through their veins. Baby boy will forever love you, his mother, my friend. I know you will have a wonderful new place once you get through this clean up. My heart is with you, don’t fret the little things your world his new to you and many peaceful thoughts are coming to you from me. I miss you my friend and I am having a wonderful time with family herein Indiana. Always in my heart, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Take pics of the house!! - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Your shifting priorities are perfectly understandable. Great to hear that the house deal is finally going to be complete!! It's unfortunate there is so much clean up to do, but it will help you put your own touches on things. For paint - we've almost accidentally painted out entire interior with paints selected from the same collection. It was neat how we could do each room in it's own colors, but use common colors throughout to tie everything together. We definitely watch too much HGTV. Have fun doing it, and don't be afraid of color!!
from zuzus-petals :
It's so great to see this update! CONGRATS on the house!!!! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
What a beautiful entry from mom. I have said so many times, there are no words for the time you fist meet your tiny bundle. You have captured this moment in time with elegance; you took me back through time. Save this entry Alison and place it with love in baby's book with those photos. He needs to know what an awesome entrance he made into this world and how he captured your heart the moment you laid eyes on him. I wish you peace you have found you heaven, Sandyz.
from smokefree-me :
Hey Mom!! You look fantastic in your full term pic. Your son is just gorgeous. Might be too early to tell, but it looks like he may have your cheek bones. Lucky guy!! Congratulations!! Settle in to a routine at home yet?
from annanotbob :
Damnit, now you've made me cry! so happy for you xxx
from silverluna :
what a beautiful boy! congratulations! <3
from zuzus-petals :
WOW!!!!! - Zuzu
from smedindy :
Wow! Soooo cute! Glad it all worked out in the end!
from fightn4life :
I think you and Zu are right; a quest is what I need. Thanks for so much support and help through this time of madness, one more month for me a few days for you. I am thrilled your new life will begin and glad my past will soon be put to rest. Your right "idiot brother." How many are there out there?? (Idiots) Sandyz
from annanotbob :
We say, 'better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick' - I like it too xxx
from fightn4life :
I hope they let you know about the house SOON. I am so glad it is "good to go." Now the wait, baby and house. These next few weeks might be more exciting than you figured on. My thoughts are always with you my friend. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Mom used to make really nummy fudge with marshmallow cream... it was so good.... it seemed to easy. Now I want some. Pooh. - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Awwww - big props to your Darling for the flowers. With you home all day growing that baby, how much of that fudge do you think he will really get?!?!? At least the house is progressing. Slow, yes, but moving. Got everything crossed for you!
from fightn4life :
Wow Alison, only 16 days, wow, it doesn't seem possible, for me anyway being so far and not having a child waiting to exit. I couldn't get Diary Land to work yesterday, I ot an entry up but it crashed this morning. So goes the woes of DL. I still like it here; no site is without little bugs, these little bugs are very familiar to me. I will be thinking of you everyday. I will not tell you all three of my children decided to enter the world two and three weeks early. Down side is, I had them nature birth…(not my choice) Nicky was born in an ambulance racing against time to get to the hospital but she "crowed" first, Silas was born twenty minutes before my check in time in the emergency room, no surgical rooms available at that moment, Jennifer came 29 min after my first labor contraction. It doesn't run in families they say…"rapid birth," my sister was in labor 29 hours, Nicky's births were fast as mine Jennifer had what they call normal with induced labor. She felt no pain. It could be any time, each woman is different, with the epidural your pain will be minimal, so try hard not to let fear capture you. I think of you and hope so many great things for you and your new little family. I often smile when I think of you now. As I have heard many times…"you have come a long way baby." You give me hope. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I can't remember if I mentioned it, I bought an Ice Cream maker. It's so easy and fun making all kinds of neat flavors of ice cream available at the mere drop of a hat (or rather, drop of some heavy cream, sugar and what have you...) - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
I had to go through many of these same issues when I began telecommuting. There are books that assist companies in creating telecommuting polices (and they are readily available online through Amazon.com - or better yet, find them through Amazon, but order them through a local independent bookseller.) When the powers that be wanted to be sure I was working every moment and wanted to know how they were going to track it, I told them that I felt that they needed to have a reasonable, fair and reproducible telecommuting policy and that whatever they did to track productivity IN the office should prove to be an equally useful tool in the telecommuting context. Of course, very few companies have such tools - but it made them realize that they either had to trust their workers to do work or not - and if they didn't, then they should deal with that across the board, not just with telecommuters. If they didn't trust me, I told them, then they shouldn't let me telecommute. That shut 'em up. - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Why thanks Alison. You truly can not believe what a stress reliever it is to heave a 16lb bowling ball down a lane at 20mph or so (pretty fast), aiming for a target that is 60ft away and an inch or so wide. (Yes, the pins are bigger, but that perfect strike shot has a teeny target). The concentration level required is pretty high and it really just blocks out all the mundane day to day crap - normal or not. Very therapeutic. You are doing so fine with your baby - can't believe it's almost time!!
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you were not hurt in the fall, yes feeling a bit off balance is normal when your nine months pg. Ok…as you get older too. Like me. {{Smile.}} I hope so much you find and purchase a wonderful home. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I think friendships change and shift over time if they're going to endure.. sometimes one sided this way, sometimes one sided that way - sometimes one is able to really be more present and or available than the other. I don't think friends necessarily are the ones to slap you up side the head... sometimes they're the ones who just listen and love you no matter what. At one moment the person we want people to love us for may be different than the person we later become - it's not their fault for loving the one we no longer are. I'm convoluted here.... thoughts are with you! -Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I am glad you are finding some comfort working at home. I know for you the time has gone slowly at times, for me being at a distance I find it hard to believe you are so far along. I look forward to seeing pictures of you holding your son. Eat something, and please take care of you, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Okay.. you've just totally creeped me out. I'm SO having a moment after the tickling of the kidney thing. - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
For me, working from home was a transition, but overall I discovered I was WAY more productive and efficient. Those interactions with coworkers that lighten the day also interfer with getting things done. If you find a way to track deliverables, they'll probably be happy that your productivity actually increases when telecommuting! -Zuzu
from fightn4life :
All normal emotions my friend, waiting is the hard part...or is it after liitle one makes an appearance. I can't recall. I know my waiting now is a downer. i wish you peace. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Hey there Goldilocks - your rollercoaster analogy is very appropriate. You are just beginning the ride - ups & downs are ahead to be sure, but in the end it will be a blast!
from smokefree-me :
The disability news is the pits, true, but don't short change yourself on taking time off after the little guy arrives. Take all that's allowed. It's an important time for you to rest (while you're not sleeping much) and bond, bond, bond. And NEVER feel guilty about letting Your Darling take a midnight feeding or three. You'll need the rest and he'll enjoy the time spent. Even at 2am. I promise.
from zuzus-petals :
What an absolutely sucky maternity leave policy. The job I just left would give you six weeks full pay and if M worked there they're give HIM six weeks with full pay too. Does he have a paternity leave policy? That SOOO sucks! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I hope so much your work realizes you will be an asset rather you are at home or at the work place. I do understand what you are talking about being a "trouble shooter," I did that for years at Red Lobster. I went to problem stores and dug deep to find underlying problems. Some people…not all cannot see the problem if it hits them smack in the face. My thoughts will be with you Alison; you don't need any more things to occupy your mind right now. {{{Hugs}}} Sandy
from fightn4life :
Alison you are right, thank you, I do deserve better. (As Sandy pats back) pat-pat. LOL Miss you my friend, I found the photos while sorting of you and I, what a wonderful memory. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you had a wonderful day with a friend from the past. How awesome and exciting for me knowing I am returning to a place such a friend lives, my friend from the 70's. Each visit we have reminisced the past, as you some our a little recollections have both of us a bit red with embarrassment. That is the ever following life we live, each step from those days brings us right here in the now. I am taking a step back to the past but in different form, and I look forward to looking at photos taken in the now and wondering if when we are 65 will we look back and smile? Hold on to your wonderful day as long as you can, time for you to be a mommy is right around the corner. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Ah.. I'm sooo happy for you! You needed that visit... I hope it's refreshed your spirits and bolstered your endurance for the house stuff too. Much love to you! - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
RE: Therein Lies - I've read it 4 maybe 5 times now. I get different imagery out of it every time. There's so much there. For me, there are metaphors within the metaphors - so many layers to pull apart and reflect on. Much food for thought. Thanks so much. How's the little one doing? How are the big ones doing? Hanging in there?
from fightn4life :
What a beautiful poem, I feel the longing within you singing within the wind. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I loved your entry today; I feel much the same as you do about our lives. I have spent days getting rid of much of my past life and will lose belongings, but not priceless mementos from years of black and white, the real thing not a duplicate of making mass production. These items will be passed to my children just as they were handed down to me, hopefully some real will remain throughout our family not just money makes crap. I grew up middle class, and now am standing on the brink of poverty, this too will pass once I grab hold of my uncertain future, and I can still climb. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Just think my friend...this too will pass. My thoughts are with you. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
You are doing so brilliantly, dealing with all this uncertainty over the house. You are a star xxx
from fightn4life :
Your fears are not unlike any mother bringing a child into this world, it's a mom thing. The fears, uncertainties all come with having a little person growing within you. It is hard I know but try not to dwell on what ifs, your child will be loved by you and the loving family and friends that surround him. I say this as I recall so many fears I had each time I carried within me a precious life. I wish you peace my friend, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Pamper yourself and enjoy your weekend, I do not envy your darlings long hours or commute. Being off has been difficult although I miss nothing but the pay and insurance once mine is dropped. Unless by some miracle I can afford COBRA for myself, big laugh with husband now heading into his third month off. He has yet to collect an unemployment check next week he thinks. Still he worked so little he will draw not much over $200.00, and then he asked today if I could come up with the house payment. Lord I wish this wait were over or he would take to the wind again. He does nothing to help in preparation for the auction, he sleeps, drinks, looks out the window and sleeps some more. I feel his pain and long for him to move on. Have a wonderful time, try not to dwell on what if you may be replaced, I don't think that is what is going on, they only are looking at what if…My thoughts are with you my friend, I wish you a safe and peaceful weekend. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Have fun!! Sounds like you need it (even if fun is just sleep!) - Zuzu
from annanotbob :
xxxxx
from smokefree-me :
Awww. This is just a setback, not total disaster. Sounds like it's all going to happen, it'll just take a little longer. Tears of frustration are allowed. They do help. Hang tough mama, it'll come.
from fightn4life :
I am so very sorry Alison, I hate to read about you getting upset and crying. Yes, a setack...not the end. You have too may "endings" in your past. This is your new beginning, a set back that's all. Much love my friend, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am thrilled you and baby are doing fine; you Alison are always in my thoughts. Me…I am getting by one-step at a time. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Reubens are so worth it. Could always try a little beano too. Might help with the sauerkraut. You found a sourdough rye? That would be an interesting recipe to try.
from acaldwell :
hello alison! i got here thru your comment over at bindyree's place!! i cannot begin to imagine being allergic to yeast!! that is awful! i sure do hope that rye bread really dont have yeast in it!!
from zuzus-petals :
Hey, I was just notified by the store that one of the gifts I sent (receiving blankets) never shipped to you. It should be on it's way - hopefully before you MOVE!! - Zuzu
from annanotbob :
It is so lovely to read this xxx
from smokefree-me :
Brian thinks he's received thanks enough from Ms. Alison. Besides, you emailed me one last week - that was plenty fine. Cross me off that thank you list! Glad to hear your good news on all fronts!! And you're durn tootin we'll say hello someday. I'll even meet you half way.
from smokefree-me :
Brian thinks he's received thanks enough from Ms. Alison. Besides, you emailed me one last week - that was plenty fine. Cross me off that thank you list! Glad to hear your good news on all fronts!! And you're durn tootin we'll say hello someday. I'll even meet you half way.
from ub40 :
Awwwww. What a lovely diary. Once "the wait" is over......hope you still update
from zuzus-petals :
Despite how last minute some of that sounds, it's all VERY exciting!! I share your fears re: birthing. My montra "epidural, epidural, epidural." Thank Dog that c-section is an option is it's needed - hopefully it won't be. Im so psyched for you that the house in moving forward... ffffiiiiinnnnnaaaaallllly! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Some breech positions are deliverable. My tiny little (5'1") Cindy squirted out our #2 breech. Without a spinal even. Poor guy looked like someone booted him right in the rear. He still has a rounder head than his older brother (conventional orientation) too.
from fightn4life :
I love your post on life and the need for art, That is something I also need in my life, the arts. I loved your expressions on how you plan to raise your new life. I am so happy for you Alison, and thrilled about your new home. The time will be there for you when you need it. Our lives seem to move in slow motion then all hell breaks loose. But it can make for an exciting adventure. One day at a time, enjoy. I wish you peace, Sandy
from zuzus-petals :
YAY!!! CONGRATS!!! Awesome news, Alison!! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Yaa-hoo! Congrats!! That's a big hurdle to clear. Wishing you smooth sailing the rest of the way. 2 acre lot!?! Fantastic. Think of the gardens!!
from annanotbob :
Hurrah! Hope it all goes smoothly xxx
from fightn4life :
I am so glad your shower went well, i understand your desire to be closer to friends. I pray by the time your little bundel arrives I will be a giver of gifts, I felt bad my friend but someday soon I'll be able to join in. What do you need now little mom? Maybe my lone gift to be will not be lost in the mix. Your friend always, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
If I didn't say it already, please save the tree- no note requested, required, etc.! My mom sent me this link re; a woman she met with one recently. Check it out: http://www.myfavoritebabycarrier.com/ergo.html
from zuzus-petals :
Hey, how's the shower go???
from annanotbob :
I hope all goes well, my dear. Wish I could be there...
from smokefree-me :
Tooth pain is the worst! Hope your tooth stays settled down once you've got it quiet. Our son #2 was breech (Frank) and popped out fine. Wife is a teeny little thing too. A few breech positions are deliverable without surgical intervention, so even if your precious cargo decides to stay wrong end up, all is not lost.
from fightn4life :
Alison, you look so young so pretty. I wish with all my heart we lived closer or I could make a trip kick back…think and talk to you. I wish you so much happiness. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Looking fantastic - belly and all. You're doing so well! Keep knocking off one day at a time.
from pikachu1lt :
So many things have changed since I have been otherwise occupied. I congragulate you Alison and wish you all the best. How are you like the great north. Leona From Woofmang
from fightn4life :
I like the chair Alison, who cares if the others don't...as long as you like it. My fingers are crossed you hear about the house, I think you would feel like doing more if you had the nursery to take your mind off your changing body. I wish I was going to be at your shower...I think of you often. I wish you peace, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Hello dearie - I tried to send you a gift via one of the registries but there was no method for logging on outside the US. I'm going to find you something and send it - for when he's a few months old probably - so when I have it I'll be after your address. When you have one. Thanks for your support and good wishes for these last few difficult months, love Anna xxx
from fightn4life :
Some of the most awesome well-rounded educated people of all ages have reared their young and lost the battle of a "good" outcome in what many call parenting skills. For me to come to terms with all I have seen, read about, and first hand witnessed it is all about our and their personal journey. You pass on the best of what you have to offer and let their wings grow and someday regardless, they will make their own mark. Smile and let go and let God, sorry Alison, better said let go and wish peace. Peace for me is love, love is God, love is eternal, and love is the universe connected. I know you will be such a wonderful mother. Please let you SIL I will not be able to make the trip, sad as I feel. I have no long distance or I would be happy to call myself. If I could I would love to be a part of your party, to me you are one of the best friends one could only dream of, 3D world or cyber space. Your passion radiates in all forms, I feel lucky to have stumbled on your path. I wish you Peace, Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Yay for good sleep. Gotta keep Mama happy. Love your new "belly dancing" gig.
from zuzus-petals :
Today is my last day of work. Woot!
from fightn4life :
Alison, every time I think I have broken the cycle I start a new one that appears worst than the old one. I wish I could be with you in the 3D world at your baby shower, should could use some party time fun and watching you smile knowing you're soon to be a mom. I hope your party is a wonderful one. I liked the invites and I too am not a precious moment's kind of girl. I'll take the ole country theme and toss in a cute cowboy or two…or three. Only kidding I'd rather have a horse, they are lower maintenance and share unconditional love. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Fake it till you make it.
from fightn4life :
You'll get back in non baby shape Alison, having babies does a number on ones body but some how later on we still ask…"Do you have children" can't tell moms any more from those deciding not to take the life long plunge. You are an active person, don't fret…you're beautiful even now and one day soon you'll look into the mirror and see yourself as others do. (But not pregnant) Yeah I do believe "we will overcome" and I too am thankful for my wonderful cyber friends. At times, I don't what I'd do during nights like this. Going to sleep is out of the question. Thanks Alison, again an entry I enjoyed. My thoughts will be sending positive vibes to hope you get the house and SOON! I wish you peace my friend. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry I got so behind on your journey, being tangled in mine has been difficult to keep up with some of my dearest friends. Thank you for the encouraging e-mail you sent, I will answer soon. I had to come back to Diary Land to catch up. I have not let a day go by without thinking of your new life. I suppose I didn't want to dampen your world with mine. How silly of me, I need your company to help me through these darkest times. Lord I recall how difficult it was for you so long ago when I first "met" you on the stop smoking site and how inspired I was how you kept on walking. Now I will draw upon your strength and take those steps you laid before me. you may never know how much it means to me for you to be willing to walk with me. Thank you Alison, and again I apologize for forgetting how much our friendship means to me. I too wish you peace. (Yes, I would love to have access to your registry, I may end up being a bit behind but it would mean the world to me to give a little bit of me to the new little you. :) Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
ooh, ooh, link me please, link me!! And it IS a guy thing. If it has a remote or a steering mechanism, the XY chromosome DEMANDS that we have control of it. Little voices actually tell us it must be so. Really.
from zuzus-petals :
Please send me the links! I can't believe you went canoing. When I was pregnant several years ago Ed and I went Kayaking (2 person) - the paddling KILLED my lower back. I'm stunned you did it in tri 3! - Zu
from annanotbob :
Yes please! annamills46@hotmail.com xxx
from smokefree-me :
Hey Alison - many thanks! You really didn't have to - but I do appreciate your gesture tremendously. Yeah, 100 miles. Holy cr*p is right!! You're welcome to come weeding any time!! I'll even save you some. Enjoy the weekend. It's going to be gorgeous!
from zuzus-petals :
He's right about the bike. As soon as you have a belly that can get bumped from being in the way, you're supposed to stop biking. Waddling is good and so is swimming! I wish you could come help me garden! - Zuzu
from pink-circle :
Hi! The Circle of the Phoenix's has a recent update if you'd like to stop by: http://pink-circle.diaryland.com/june5news.html Don't forget that you're invited to post your poetry, photogtaphy, stories, and artwork at any time!!! ~Phoenix
from smokefree-me :
Guys are dumb. We need to be hit over the head with bricks from time to time. Secret news - guys are also somewhat (very?) afraid of pregnant women. We feel that we never know what to expect. It's a tough time to navigate, but everybody makes it through one way or another. You WILL come out on the other side. Hey, you're 2/3 of the way there!! Home stretch time.
from zuzus-petals :
Yay! He's such a keeper... which.. er... is a prettty good thing about now.. heh. - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Oh sweety.... I'm sorry - it's just a rough patch. Maybe just say it just like that - "this is a hard time for me and I need you to overlook the things I do that bother you and just give me a hug....." See how he responds to the directness maybe? just a thought... I always want to "fix" things. Much love your way! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I do hope you get the house it sounds like the one my dad just bought. He decided living on this mountain was too difficult him getting "up there" in age and needed a more sensible place. Right now, they are living in an all-wood log house on 35 acres and a monster fireplace that they use for heat. I suppose they are downsizing, I am glad they will be living in a home my dad might be able to really retire in. They will move over the summer, it is only about 45 min from here, but no more walking the mile to his place. I sure understand the weight gain by inactivity, even when I was "feeling better" fatigue slowed me down. Your weight gain is minimal for the time you have been pregnant, just think you will lose half that in one moment when you deliver. You sound happy, content and that is so important. Glad you had a wonderful trip and things are working out so beautifully. Much Peace, Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Great news with the glucose test!! Sweat equity is a great way to build value in a home. The acreage sounds great - lots of room for bikes & gardens & kids to play. You will definitely appreciate the garage come next winter! Fingers, toes & eyes crossed for you.
from fightn4life :
I do not recall if I commented on the pictures you sent via g-mail, so much going on in my life right now. I think you are beautiful and look so happy, I am so thrilled for you. And yes, I smiled. :) Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
I absolutely smiled. You look beautiful, Mama.
from annanotbob :
xxx
from fightn4life :
I hope you have a wonderful time tonight, I want to see pictures. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Oh, oh, oh! You're in Vegas, you got to go eat at Bouchon! It's in the Venetian. I've never been there... but I dream of going!! Have a blast. - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Your head really seems to be in a good place. Your Darling? What a guy! He's providing us testosterone units a fine example to live up to. The house hunting? GAH!! Keep at it. You'll know when you find "the one".
from fightn4life :
How some families of faith act is upsetting to me, as you know I am a believer but also I have the utmost respect for all other types of religions or not. I couldn't in good faith push another persons child in the direction of my faith going against their parents views. I feel each of us has the knowledge and decision-making within us we need for our time here in the flesh. Some Christians I know would condemn me to a fiery place admitting to this but I felt and still do my children should have the opportunity to make their decisions rather they wanted to be baptized or not. Therefore, none of my kids was as young ones taken to a church for a baptism. My belief was once they reached an age where they could understand and chose what they wanted to believe then that choice was theirs alone. I chose to be baptized years ago when I was struggling with faith, it was what I felt was right for me at the time. Years ago when we lost my grandson a "friend" asked me if he had been baptized, I told her I did not know. She said if he wasn't he would not be allowed in heaven. (That was a nice way to say what she said) I was mortified and stressed along with grief. It wasn't until his funeral the preacher told us my grandson was baptized and enjoyed it so much he wanted to be baptized again, so at the little Bible class they allowed him to go through it again. He passed away a few weeks later. I had always talked to the kids about the stories in the Bible, I kept a set of the children's bibles for them to read if they so desired. Whatever reason my grandson decided he wanted to be baptized is not for me to know. I feel we are driven within to do what is right for us. Rather my granddaughter followed his footsteps was not for me to ask, if she is suppose to she will know. Sorry this is so long but when I hear about religious people trying to take the reigns of another person's child I know it does more damage than good. (Not intended) Talking about faith when invited to or if someone chooses to read something of faith some else has written is one thing, cramming something down another throat is another. Hold your ground, you know in your heart what you feel your child should learn from you and if you are "wrong" all children I believe will find their way. The Universal love of our "God" (as I chose to call Him,) His love is more powerful than all. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Well see, you wouldn't be able to use the hot tub for a long while yet anyways. Did you know that Old Navy and The Gap sell maternity clothes (check it out online) - at somewhat affordable prices even. Have a great time in Vegas.. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Save me couch space. I may show up in Mi. on that bike!
from zuzus-petals :
Oh... send me the MLS so I can see 'em! I love shopping for houses.. when they're not mine! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
It's just as likely he'll like bicycles as we will like bunnies or sailors.. I think the bike idea is GREAT! You'll have to take pics when it's done! As for the thank you gift, anything you do is fine and probably "more" thanks that she gets from most clients (she's not going the extra mile out of the goodness of her heart, by the way... but still...) Flowers are always a good idea, my mother adores getting live hanging baskets (that she can enjoy all summer long on the deck) and they're not terribly costly. If you're concerned that it's impractical or that she's allergic, what about a gift certificate at a local salon for a manicure/pedicure? -Zu
from annanotbob :
Yeah! xx
from smokefree-me :
That seller was a real peach! Sounds like you are better off just distancing yourselves from him and this whole deal. You did everything right, perhaps you fell just victim to Mi banks over reacting to the high foreclosure rates. Take a deep breath and move on.
from annanotbob :
Oh man, this really sucks. We had the same thing when I was pregnant with my first - a really ghastly saga involving far too many boxes being packed and unpacked. It all came right in the end, but not till after she was born. I wish you a bit of luck for something to just arrive and be cool. Love Anna xx
from smokefree-me :
How's that one saying go? Fake it till you make it! You're managing fine - keep it up!!
from fightn4life :
Alison I am so sorry I didn't see your entry yesterday, I pray all works out for you. No matter what is going on in my life I don't want to forget those I care about. Know you are in my thoughts. I hope it works out for you with minimal stress. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
The bank that is selling this place will do nothing to help get this house off their hands? Re-negotiate the sale price to make the 3/4% 'disappear'? Dig back in their records and see if the easement is recorded in the mortgage documents of the prior owners? Offer the title company $$ to make it go away? The longer they hold on to the place - well, they know this. I'm dumbfounded they aren't motivated to move.
from smokefree-me :
Realize too none of this is your (or your Darlings) fault. You were playing according to the rules as they were explained to you. You did everything you were told and then some. Someone else just left a pile of crap behind and you managed to step in it. It sucks, but it happens. Focus on what you can do next. Let this go.
from zuzus-petals :
I can't believe that the owners (even the bank) put the house on the market without dealing with that easement issue. Have you asked the realtor if the bank (who is the seller, yes?) will reimburse you for your inspection and assessment expenses given their lack of due diligence before putting the property on the market? What assholes. I'm so sorry. But maybe it's a good thing.. maybe some of your intuition about this possibly becoming an albatross is/was right and it's a good thing to walk away from it and start over? I mean, I hear you focusing on some notion that you're just not lucky... but miss-Alison-glass-is-half-empty, you are SO lucky to have found this wonderful man and to be having this baby and things are actually a million times better than they were five years ago. Your luck HAS turned for the good and maybe this falling through IS a stroke of luck in the long-run. I chose to think so even if it might not look like it so clearly. Still, I hear the frustration... and I'd be frustrated too. And I'm sorry.. but you're loved.. and you're loved! - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
The bank that is selling this place will do nothing to help get this house off their hands? Re-negotiate the sale price to make the 3/4% 'disappear'? Dig back in their records and see if the easement is recorded in the mortgage documents of the prior owners? Offer the title company $$ to make it go away? The longer they hold on to the place - well, they know this. I'm dumbfounded they aren't motivated to move.
from fightn4life :
What a lovely poem. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Woops.. I meant to leave a note yesterday, but note pages are all mussed up. My fingers ARE crossed for you.. I'll send you an email! - ZuZu
from annanotbob :
Buying houses is so awful - it was like that when we moved here. I hope it sorts itself out soon. Thanks for your note, my dear. It cheered me up no ned, especially when you said that about 'the brown'. That's slang for heroin here - I nearly spat my coffee all over the laptop in shock, before realising you couldn't mean that and then, of course, you didn't, you meant soil. Big hugs xxx
from blueyedmom :
You are so strong. Stay positive. It will all work out. You deserve all of this. and making a baby is hard work! Cut yourself some slack. enjoy!! :)
from smokefree-me :
This has been one of the more interesting house purchases I've heard of. It's like an onion. The more you peel, the more you cry. You're so close though. This title nonsense is the last thing to clear up, usually. That bit about living in a motel? Not all fabrication, right? I imagine you have nearly everything packed except essentials - so it's LIKE living in a motel. If it lights a fire under the title company's butt, all the better. Still, fingers, toes & eyes crossed for you. Hang in there, just a few more days.
from smokefree-me :
What does one take to reduce crankiness? Deep breaths. You know the other litany. You're not the cause, try to let it go. What about reading a book on cooking? Think that might be relaxing & appetite inducing all at the same time? (It would work for me, that's for sure!)
from fightn4life :
I do wish Yoga worked for you as it does for me. I have light Yoga tapes that do not require one to stand on their head. But we each dance to a different tune. I know I was thrilled when my Dr told me I could start out slow to help gain back my strength and he felt it would be good for my heart. Don't be so hard on yourself, it is "hard" work allowing baby to grow in you. Your energy will increase and one day this will be a precious memory. Wonder if my day-to-day pregnancy was really like what I recall. Hum…take care my friend, it's summer, we all slack on the writing. At least I do. Sandyz
from joiedv :
Swimming is great maternity excercise. So is walking. Tiredness is NORMAL.
from franciedell :
oh and I sent the password to your email address.
from franciedell :
Hey A -- my online diary is 'franciedell'
from smokefree-me :
A size four and 13% body fat was too big??? That's one of the problem with women and their self image! You look great now. I would thnik that as a size 4 you'd look like a gaunt bag of bones. The advantage to fitting your deress yourself is that you can fine tune it to adapt to your changing body. A seamstress or tailor might be a little put off by the tweaking. I vote for doing it yourself. (Something you can fret over AND control!!)
from fightn4life :
Closer to the end of your pregnancy your energy will return, right before your body is ready to give birth you will experience a burst of energy. It's a wonderful rush. This is the mommy time, a time that you will always recall as just for you and baby. Soon enough you will have to share baby with the world for now enjoy early bonding. (I loved being pregnant) I wish you peace. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Hey, you're building an entire little person inside. A little unscheduled nap time is to be expected. Especially after a nice healthy walk like that. Fingers crossed on the house closing news. The anticipation is terrible, isn't it?
from fightn4life :
A boy…I am SO happy for you. Hey…I had chicken soup last night. Thanks for the advise. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Quack. Quack. It's the weather making me do it, honest.
from annanotbob :
xxx
from fightn4life :
Something to smile about...I can't wait to hear your little ones sex...boy or girl? How exciting. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Thanks for your compliments (on the layout.. really just new banners and colors).. and the feel of the house.... I'm going for beach cottage...wainscoting helps... Ed put it in.) Did you get that picture I sent you... did you like it? - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Fingers & toes crosses for ya. Baby's first picture is always such an adventure. Enjoy the experience. Would love to try & make the shower.
from smokefree-me :
You two are quite the handsome couple. Congrats again.
from blueyedmom :
YOU have inspired me more than you could ever imagine.
from zuzus-petals :
You both look so beautiful!!!
from fightn4life :
Alison, you are beautiful! What a wonderful couple you are, your husband is a very attractive too. :) Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Congratulations to the new husband & wife!! I wish you both a lifetime of happiness with each other.
from zuzus-petals :
WOW!!! Congrats. You have so many wonderful things to celebrate right now... I'm incredibly thrilled for both of you. Please send M my best! - Zuzu
from annanotbob :
Congratulations!!!! xxx
from fightn4life :
I am so happy for you Alison...so happy. (teary eyed) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Alison how I wish I could be of support to you, my world is a disaster right now and all I have to give is my friendship. All your emotions I understand, I am on the brink of a melt down depending on my husband to shoulder the responsibility, so far he is failing miserably. I want to believe but all I can think of how I am falling into that dark blasted pit of despair. Where in the hell is that "faith" I have? Please know I my heart is with you, my good thoughts are with you and my prayers are with you as well. I wish you peace and so much happiness. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Dear Alison, On the eve of your wedding I'm thinking of you. I so hope that all goes well, that you have a beautiful day surrounded by those who love you as you and your darling step forward together with joy into the future. With love, Anna xxx
from zuzus-petals :
Lots of people forget things at home, including their purse, wallet, cell phone, jacket, sweater... and it doesn't mean a damn thing! You're getting married and barefoot looks great on you! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
YAY pictures of big happy pregnant brides!!! YAY!!!! - Zuzu
from annanotbob :
I'm really pleased that both your families will be with you xxx thinking of you and wishing you giggles and a big grin right across your face xxx
from smokefree-me :
One day at a time.
from smokefree-me :
Heh, welcome back to the northeast. April snow showers are not all that rare, unfortunately. I think you're just feeling normal pre-wedding jitters. Plus, you have so many big things happening all at once. To feel a little overwhelmed should be expected. I'd be more worried if you had no anxieties at all at this point. Just try and live in the moment - enjoy everything!
from zuzus-petals :
You could always stop reading.. you know, so there wouldn't be the bother of sorting the books (I'm kidding, of course.) I think you should split costs evenly down the middle, but I don't know how you're going to account for the unreimbursed additional work of motherhood - personally I think it's worth a pretty penny, so he might have to get a extra job just to keep up! (In other words, you're golden, it's all going to be great.) I want pictures from the wedding! I'm sooooooo happy for you!!!!!! -Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I could have written this letter many years ago to the kid's dad. Now I may be writing another in the not so distant future, but not with the same ending. This will be my last love, my last goodbye, my last heartbreak from any man, as I will not again dare to trust. I am happy for you; just thinking about your new life allows me to realize there is such a thing as a happy new beginning. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Great job letting go. A little spark returning too? Or juet things that needed doing? Either way, the last two pieces were nicely wrought.
from annanotbob :
Thanks hon. Your talk of maternity wear reminded me of when I was first pregnant, in the late 70s. All you could get then were vile flowery smocks with big floppy bows. Not my scene at all so I wore my dad's old shirts over jeans with the zip open, held up by braces. Not very elegant. I like the way young girls show off their bellies, but I wouldn't want to do it in my 30s or 40s. I'd LOVE to come to your baby shower - I remember the first time I read your diary, having a flash of sitting in comfortable silence next to you on a porch in the dark. One day. Wishing you health and happiness.
from fightn4life :
A bride, I am so happy for you Alison. :) So many wonderful things has happened to you during the time I first "met" you on-line. Then I had the wonderful 3D breakfast with you and your soon to be husband. What a wonderful journey you have been on and the path just keeps on going. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Happy packing.. and I want to see pics of the wedding!
from fightn4life :
I am so glad things are looking up for you. Little bumps in the road as we called them. Somedays they appear to be mountains. Take care and I am excited to know girl/boy? How wonderful this time in your life will be. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Great progress! Good news on all fronts. Think I'll just send an email, cuz this one is starting to feel longish.
from annanotbob :
xxx
from smokefree-me :
A change of focus perhaps? You have a lot on your plate, even subconsciously it must be difficult to feel inspired. Will the fire return? Perhaps. Maybe it's there, but subtly changed and you've yet to recognize it.
from fightn4life :
Alison, I do hope so much things work out. So mmany wonderful things are going well for you, I hope this one follows. Thanks for your comment on my conversation with ones self, makes me wonder at times if there is some one else hiding within the flesh fighting with me. At least it amuses me and I get some practice writing conversations. :< Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I'll send you a missive to gmail...
from smokefree-me :
You've earned the all the good things you're getting. It's good to see you enjoying all life has to offer.
from fightn4life :
You sound totally at peace with yourself, you sound wonderful. I didn’t know the sex of my child (back in the day) but had a male a female name picked out…the girls name was to be Michelle Élan Durham. When she was born I took a look at her and saw a Jennifer Lynn, don’t recall one reason why but we named her what I saw…Jennifer. Silas was to be “Phillip” and Nichole is really “Charleyn Nichole,” after my mom. I suppose it is never too late to switch after the birth if you see your baby and another name fly out of the sky. Yes, please let me know when you are registered and where for baby shower, oh…I am so excited for you. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Rather than wall paper, I'm a fan of paint. You can make any design you want. I've been very drawn to two-tone ideas... a background in one color (say green/sage) and an outline of trees (I'm a big tree fan) in another tone - lighter or darker. I love the concept and feel you could of course do that with any theme... I'm drawn to the tree theme. for an Eastern feel, you could choose the outline of a cherry blossom - or a few stems of cherry blossom. I'm fond of Cyprus trees. One reason primary colors are considered "good" in a babies room is that for the first several years most of their learning is visual and the colors stimulate them and are considered "educational." I'm with you, however, not a fan of bright stuff. For the color therapy, you can take'em to the garden!
from fightn4life :
Happy dance here for you...(kinda) But I am thrilled for you. I needed a great big smile and here it is. I feel your happy thoughts. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Congratulations to the happy homeowners!! What I remember of your yard is gorgeous. You'll have a blast making it yours.
from zuzus-petals :
YAY!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!! WOOOTTT!!!! (Joining in on the happy dance.. check out the one legged happy dance done with arms akimbo!!!!) - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I too hated people wanting to touch my belly, as I grew larger the rubs got worst until when someone reached out I back up. It worked most the time. :) I loved being PG, it was a bit sad when the time came to share my little ones with the world. I liked the feeling of being able to proctect them, within myself. Oh the memories and not one bad one I can think of. Time does that I suppose...age too. :) My heart is with you little mommy to be. I am so happy for you. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
YAY on the house!!!!! WOW!!! that is SOOO cool! If the interior (or your preferences) is amenable to period restoration, I have tons of websites for you! AWESOME!!!!! (Have you told the woofmangers that you're pregnant and getting married???!?!???!??!?!??!) - ZuMe!
from smokefree-me :
YAY!! Congratulations on the house. About time the bank finally responded. Pregnant bellies are irresistable. It's funny how people would never think of rubbing your belly normally, but once you're preggers it becomes public domain! Give it a rub for me, will ya?
from fightn4life :
And what a wonderful beautiful mom you will be. I am thrilled for you. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
I'm sure your Mom's happiness will increase as your due date draws near. You niece must be a huge load on her, both physically & emotionally and the energy for elation might not be there quite yet. You'll have to let your Dad's pride cover for the both of them, at least for now. How very odd of that bank to not want to unload that house. Is there a chance they've accepted a different offer and are just too indifferent to let you know?
from fightn4life :
I am thrilled and knew in my heart this is what your own words hadn't told me. I figured when you were ready I would hear it from you. By your entries and replies to those you entrusted I figured it out. You are always in my thoughts and I am so happy for you. I hope the pictures arrived at the right address. Take care my friend you'll be a wonderful mom. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Oh my god, Alison!!! Congratulations!! I am soo happy for you. I clicked to just leave a xxx to thank you for your note and now I feel jolted into a new place. I'm OK now, coming back from... you know, the nameless place. This has literally put a smile on my face. You look after yourself, you lovely person. With smiles and love xxxx
from zuzus-petals :
I can... WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad his families reaction pleased you! I'm so happy for you, it's beyond words! - Zu
from boann7 :
congrats..what wonderful news. i had my daughter when i was 40.
from smokefree-me :
Yay for the first trimester ending!! Glad your first trip and 'reveal' went so well. Your idea for telling your parents is pretty slick. I'm sure they'll be equally thrilled & excited for you. You're building a baby!! This is too cool!
from smokefree-me :
Damn bank. If enthusiasm for your announcement seems to be lacking, I will personally display enough enthusiasm to make up for the whole lot of them. Just look to the east about 7am. That glow on the horizon? That's me. Really, it is. Thrilled beyond happy for you two.
from zuzus-petals :
Much luck and love to you! I'm furiously happy to make up for any lack of enthusiasm on anyone's part!!! YAHOOO!!!! - Zu
from boann7 :
just a note to say how happy i am for you. it was a lovely way to ask you.
from fightn4life :
I am so happy for you Alison. :) "He is your happy ever after" I love that. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Most excellent attitude for these exciting times.
from zuzus-petals :
Can't you call the bank?
from zuzus-petals :
THAT is SOOOO romantic!! When's the wedding!?!? YAY YOU TWO!! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
YAY!! Congratulations to the both of you!! What a fantastic way to end a day. Bestest wishes to you.
from smokefree-me :
You have your boundaries. It may have taken a long time to figure out where they needed to be. I, for one, will lose no respect for you should you decide to respect the boundaries you have established. After all, they are there for your protection.
from fightn4life :
People often tell me I have Bad Karma I don't believe in Karma so how can it be bad? A friend of mine in PA is always talking about what I am "paying" for from my past life, she on the other hand must have been a giving person full of love because her life is so blessed, says she. Bah! Shit happens you're right, believe in God or not we have free will and make our own path. Bad Karma? Poo...if I am paying for a flawed past life some one should have clued me in, a note at birth would have been nice. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I do believe in karma...but I don't think you get "bad" karma from walking away from relationships that are hurtful and harmful to you.. and I don't think you get "good" karma for staying in abusive relationships with bad people. I think you accumulate good karma by following the dictates of your highest conscience. Happy valentine's day!!!!
from fightn4life :
What an nice place, I love the wood bridge. I hope you get it. Toes and fingers crossed. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I can totally see why you've fallen in love with it! What a great location!! My fingers and toes are crossed. I have to say that I'm digging on the new prefab homes and have more than once considered bulldozing this place and buying a pre-fab. This one has this ancient character that keeps me from it (and the fact that the damn thing was built with all precious woods.. that's a hinderance too.) But if it were a little more tawdry, I'd seriously consider it. Before putting a lot of $$ into any fix-up, up-keep, consider socking those $$ away in savings and replacing it. Look around on the net.. these prefab now have award winning designs and many are built with state of the art "green" materials. I LOVE the prefab cabin designs in particular! What's the sq footage on this place? - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
I'm here! I'm here! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Oh, c'mon. You know the litanies. All the little slogans to use to slow your heart back down to normal. What did another friend remind you of a while back? Make lists of things you CAN do, then do something about those. How'd the house hunting go?
from zuzus-petals :
I think sleeping during one's lunch hour is a reasonable response to life. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Pictures were sent today, sorry it took so long. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Big, fun, scary things afloat (grin!!!) YES, I'm getting a variety pack, which means lavender, rhubarb, lemongrass and kumquat! Yadda! I'm so psyched! I've had the orange and cream soda but/and I agree (way too sweet) and I don't like the taste of artificial sweeteners. There's two things that draw me to this terribly overpriced soda.. the first is the exotic flavors (lavender mostly... remember my foiled experiment to extract lavender this summer.. bullocks... ) but the second is no insignificant attraction.. the "dry" aspect of the soda. Like pairing wine with meals, some suggest that this non-sweet/dry soda may be a nice alternative to alcohol and those who have tried it hail it as a "pallet(sp?) cleanser." Very intriguing.. I can hardly wait to try it myself.. I'll write a mini review though I fear just loving it because it's absurdly pricey ($2 per 12 oz bottle?!?! And having to tack on shipping charges makes it like $3 a bottle.. not practical for every day use... but as an occasional special treat.... maybe.. if it's REAL good...) One other thing I'm hot into these days is this lapsong souchoung tea... I had it at this new pan Asian restaurant I mentioned awhile back. "They" say people either really love it or hate it... I'm in the "love" camp. I've ordered a few tins from the distributor in Canada (Silk Roads) that supplies the restaurant - because it was just perfect and I didn't feel like hunting for something "similar" I just wanted that over and over and over again. Their warehouse has been closed and remains so until the 25th (TOMORROW. YAY!) at which point is ships.. I'm so psyched (little things make me happy.) I can only describe it like drinking a camping trip... it tastes and smells like a forest and a camp fire.. it's all smokey and magical. I'll send you a dollop when it arrives and you'll have to give it a whirl. If "they" are right, you'll either totally love it or you'll hate it. (I like falling in the "love" camp.)
from smokefree-me :
House hunting is so much fun. Really. Make lists to take with you. A list of must haves, a list of negotiables and a list of must NOT haves. Keep score. Take pictures if you're allowed. Otherwise it all runs together like a Salvador Dali painting. Pretty, but not useful. You know you've done marvelous work with your debts. Pat yourself on the back and enjoy the benefits of your hard work. You deserve it.
from smokefree-me :
Why, thank you. It's re-assuring to hear that things are sinking in. Wish progress were being made in other minds & bodies, but that's not for me to drive. You seem to be holding up well. Still biding your time, I hope?
from fightn4life :
You have peaked my interest...is it??? Wondedrful thoughts for you always my frined. Got the address (thanks) roads should be free of ice in a day or so, pictures are ready to mail. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Another peak to climb!! You've done so well climbing them ALL so far. I'm just beside myself with excitement for you. Good thoughts always going your way.
from zuzus-petals :
I know.. I was thinking of you.. and you know.. the new house!! What could be bigger and scarrier than THAT!?!?!? You win hands down! But truth be told, the whole adventure of these last few years.. the job stuff, the boy stuff, the move stuff, the now stuff... you've had one big wild ride. I bombed NaNoWriMo again too! - ZuMe
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you are doing so well, you sound happy. :) Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
So glad to hear you're happy. Even this bit of writing is reflecting your upbeat psyche. And yes, I do remember that picture of your smile. It's beautiful. It's been nice of mother nature to go easy on you for your first winter back in the tundra. For that, all of us non-skiing northeasterners thank you.
from zuzus-petals :
Are you looking/planning on staying in Howell - or one of the more metro towns near by?
from zuzus-petals :
Hey... any word on the mom front?? Miss hearing from you! - Zuzu
from annanotbob :
Happy New Year, Alison xxx
from zuzus-petals :
The tube is here! Happy New Year! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
Merry Christmas Alison, I may not keep in touch as much as I'd like but you are always in my thoughts and heart, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I'll keep my eye opened for it! - ZuMe
from fightn4life :
Alison, I think you are right...we are not in control of another person actions, this child sounds dangerous. My thoughts would be to protect best as possible everyone you care about that is in close contact with her. Setting fires? Good Lord it is out of the families control and she needs to be placed in protective custody before she hurts some one. And...I am one that does believe in miracles, but I also know some people are not right and never will be. That is a nice way to put it. I wish you peace and your mom safety from this wild card. I am so glad your father is doing better; mom went through the exact thing a few months ago. I have been on-line for countless hours looking up congestive heart failure. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
xxx
from smokefree-me :
Whoa. That's some heavy load. Your brother thinks you're not compassionate enough about your niece? Boggles the mind. You see exactly what's coming and have your priorities straight. Stay the course - you know what you're doing just fine.
from annanotbob :
Darling Alison, happy birthday. Wishing you a great year of being 43, a year liberally sprinkled with moments of pure joy. You have helped me with your wise words and your kindness more than you can know. I wish you peace xxxx
from zuzus-petals :
YOU ROCK!!!! Happy BIRTHDAY! Much love to you on this most remarkable day and many blessing to me for finding you in this big world. Thank you for being. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Happy Birthday Alison, you are so very youthful, in looks and your life a new beginning. Enjoy your day my Scorpio friend, even without the mental issues being a Scorpio is complex itself, so they say about us. :) Wonderful answers for some very intriguing questions. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
xxx
from zuzus-petals :
For what it's worth, you can diet and indeed if you do get pregnant "they" say your appetite will increase, but it's actually fine if in the first few months, despite modifying some vitamins (regular multivitamin is fine, no need to invest in the more expensive pregnancy vitamins - and increase calcium) to maintain your regular diet despite the increased appetite - some say that's better for you even. Just a thought. Of COURSE you can have a pony. - Zu
from annanotbob :
Hang on in there, sweet thing. The bottom of this is coming up any time now and then you're on the way up. I'm holding your hand, can you feel that little squeeze? This is what it's like when it's awful, but it's not always like this. You are a star of page and mountain trail. Are you being very kind to yourself, with little things? Love Anna xxxxx{{{{hugs}}}}xxxxx
from zuzus-petals :
Heh.. I think a great compromise is to take it bite-sized chunks.. say, for example, that you don't want to (or can't, etc.) make decisions about ALL the issues or each of the politicians running for office. Just sink your teeth into a single proposition/initiative, etc... something that interests you from the get go and just vote on THAT issue. If it's a local or state issue, your vote is more likley to count and you'll feel at once good that you participated in the political process and not hypocritical - as you'll have only participated to the degree you felt informed enough to do so. There was a time where only educated, wealthy people were allowed to vote - the idea being that unless you were well educated you really couldn't participate in a democracy. I think now people vote - wealthy or not, educated or not, and they mostly STILL don't know what they're voting for. I support your right to complain, be disgruntled, vote or not vote as you choose best for yourself. And, I think there is a middle ground in voting - only voting on the issues or for the people who you feel "qualified" enough to caste a vote on. I think it's entirely okay to leave a ballot blank with the exception of one or two issues you feel informed enough on. And somehow it's a good exercize. I saw a mom with her kid at the polling place - she got a pen and sat in the middle of the room with her five year old - she'd read him the ballot and the two of them would discuss which way to vote and they made decisions together. Now.. I don't agree with the way they talked about the issues and/or how they voted on everything (I was eavesdropping) - but it still seemed like a valuable process. Even if that just happened on one issue - I think it would be good.
from annanotbob :
Do you know, dear friend that I have ranted about exactly that system of selecting a government myself, many times. I've gone for four years, loosing a quarter every year, and only those with a degree or similar evidence of the ability to juggle more than two strands of thought at a time. It is exactly that - the very ones who want to do it are the last bastards we want running our country. I also want a place on the voting slip that says 'none of the above' so that we can be counted too. If it's more than fifty per cent, they can all fuck off and some new ones will have to be found till we get some we like. What about the writing though? You are such a fantastic writer - is there a way to get out of the system through your talents there? I'm a bit too 'up' at the moment, more than usual, which I'm loving and milking for all I can, but I'm also a bit scared of the crash that's on its way. Your pony is on its way xxxx
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry Alison; I do understand what it is like being somewhere you do not like but wanting to be close to family. The family I have here I am not so close to because I work so much I don't see them much, and hubby I never see but a few hours in the evening...some times not even then. I want so bad to leave here but right now with him almost not working at all we are in one heck of a mess. Just know my heart is with you...the snow...oh my God. So far nothing here but by the temps, the ice fog here on the mountain I'd say to go with all the other grand things going on this will most likely be a bitter winter. I wish you peace my friend, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Summer-gale said to me recently, 'Where's the pony? With all that shit there's got to be a pony.' I reckon you're due a pony too. xxx
from zuzus-petals :
There you are writing brilliant prose when you should be NaNo-ing like mad (wink.) OMG.. it's NOV 1!!! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Oh yeah.. and it's only 10:43 pm here... I'll be fast asleep before I have a chance to even begin tonight.
from zuzus-petals :
Did I miss saying congrats on your three year mark? I bet I did. You know I celebrate you every day I hope. - Zu
from smokefree-me :
I suspect you are loved and respected by more people than you are willing to admit. Have my fingers & toes crossed for you.
from annanotbob :
You are loved xxx
from zuzus-petals :
You are WAY loved! - Zu
from annanotbob :
Hang on in there darling, a change is gonna come. Or plan B. Love xxx
from smokefree-me :
You're sounding almost upbeat lately. It's so nice to see that.
from annanotbob :
Wow - this is fantastic! The shape gives these poems an extra power, but the words are spot on. The first bit made me shrink away, as it touched a place that is still raw, but I trusted you not to just leave it there. I LOVE the last line. It speaks to the part of me that wouldn't actually want to be any different, as even though I do hate it when it's at the bottom end of the cycle, there is a sense of ... can't find the words, something to do with primal and powerful and defiant. Woo hoo!! xxx
from annanotbob :
Thank you my friend for the note, giving me something to hold onto. I bounced back quite quickly, just a swift plunge into the pool of horror and out again, you know what it's like. I LOVED your curved poem - so beautiful, both to look at and to read. I felt soothed as soon as I saw it. With love and frienship and a hug too xxx
from zuzus-petals :
Oooo.. I even like that better! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
You're on a roll! - Zu
from fightn4life :
Loved this...I love it. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
That is so totally cool!
from boann7 :
beautiful.
from annanotbob :
xxx
from fightn4life :
Sounds like the echo of winter. Sad… Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Heh. My brother's neighbor's cleaned out a pond in their back yard. My brother bought some fish and added them to their pond without their knowledge. They've been beaming about the success of their pond clean up, and how now their fish have begun to reproduce. He's not sure if he should tell them what he did. I love Haiku. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Wow, snow in October, that is what I do not miss about PA. We do get snow here but so far not in October. Crap...last night there was sleet...I just heard it on the news. Lord I miss the beach. I wish you warmth, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I found this cool new thing called the electric throw. Very, very. - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Welcome back to winter. A tad early, maybe just for you, eh? Forgot about my hot peppers. Hope the snow didn't cool 'em down any.
from annanotbob :
Icicles!!! Snow?! Bloody hell! {{{hugs}}}
from fightn4life :
My heart is with you Alison; I wish so much your life was all that you dreamed it to be. Don't give up yet, tomorrow may bring back the sunshine in your heart. I do understand the longing for a life that some how failed to unfold the way we wished, hoped and dreamed of. Now the internal struggles...what now? I wish you so much happiness. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Yes, you will. Yes, you can. Yes, you do.
from annanotbob :
I did nano last year too and think I'll do it again. Not about all 'that', something less tortuous. Love xxx
from annanotbob :
I read this this morning before I went to work, with no time for a considered response. I've been thinking of you on and off all day. Still nothing very constructive to say, but I 'pray' (or whatever it's called when you don't have a clear concept of who/what you're praying to, but find yourself doing it anyway) for the resolution of some of these adversities. And I'm planning where to take you when we're old and don't give a shit and you make it over here. Stonehenge for starters, I reckon. If it's old you're after, where better? Love xxx
from zuzus-petals :
Oh honey.. it sounds like it sucks. I wish I could say something to make it "better" but/and I know you're not looking for that... maybe just affirmation (you're right.. it totally bites), empathy (I feel you)... I wish you peace too. - Zu
from annanotbob :
Thanks for the tip - I still can't get rid of all those %% bits, but I shall try again later xxx
from fightn4life :
I love having you as a friend...needyness? Never that I have seen or if I have it was in responce to my being needy. We are who we are rather "they" like it or not. It took us a long time to get to where we are today, and think of it this way...not a bad place to be. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I read this today and I thought of you - "Perhaps the most radical thing we can do is to stay at home, so we can learn the names of the plants and animals around us; so that we can begin to know what tradition we're part of." - Terry Tempest Williams.
from annanotbob :
You can't imagine how much it lifted my spirits to see myself referred to as 'my friend'. Thank you, dear Alison. I've never been to the States or Canada, but I think you are right about the richness of diversity. Personally, I do appreciate the history - I love that my son's student flat is in a house built 200 years ago. I've just come from there and we sat drinking tea (we are Brits!), and imagining all the people who must have passed through those rooms and how different their lives were. I'm liking your page, by the way. With love, your friend Anna xxxx
from smokefree-me :
Diggin the nerw template design. Brighter but still soothing. Nice balance.
from shasayang :
can we be a friend?
from zuzus-petals :
Heh.. I have days like that too. My most favorite time of all to mountain bike is when it's cold and wet - I don't sweat so much and it's generally easier than it is in the relentless heat and perfect blue sky days of California summers. And I like the solitude - far fewer people on the trails. Like the mountain is mine. I hate the snow. how is it goin' for M there? Does he like his job? Are you intersecting on this lukewarm thing about MI? - Zu
from annanotbob :
Oh man, I'm so glad you said that about looking for comments all the time - I thought it was only me. Not that it seems a useful thing to do, but still, I'm in good company, and here's a comment, of little use, but it says 'I hear you.' Wishing you well, love xxx
from smokefree-me :
You're a good teacher if I got the message that clearly. That, or you used a 2x4 when I wasn't looking.
from fightn4life :
This was so deep, When I get back I want to reread it and ponder your words. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
whew.. maybe you added the first line or maybe I didn't read carefully.. er.. nevermind. -Zu!
from zuzus-petals :
Is everything okay with M??? - Zu
from fightn4life :
I hope so much of what you long for you get. You deserve to have wonderful things happen in your life. What an awesome mom you would make…I keep hoping soon-soon. I too am looking forward to writing a book this year in November, if I can keep my Blazer on the road. Last year it was November 4th I rolled over, not this year I plan to be careful. Now to get thinking about what to write about, hum…for now I am blank. Maybe after my trip (thank God I get to go) I will come back with a renewed feeling about life and set some positive goals. May all yours fall into place. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Hello, lovely Alison. I don't feel I have any right to tell anyone what to do but as I read this entry I was shouting at you to STAMP on that nasty little voice and tell it to piss off back into the past where it belongs. Meant schment. My want list includes one day sitting on a veranda/porch with you in the dusk. I had a flash of that picture the first time I read you and it's still there. Quite a scruffy place, we're on the floor, leaning against wooden walls. Love xxx
from fightn4life :
I do hope you have a good trip, and for some reason I feel you are a part of his family. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Oh yeah... tell me dimensions that you're looking for re: a photograph for the narrow space.. I'll send you some options to consider - including the BT Tree. - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Hmmm... the only family you have is your family... please, please DO forget that. I have such a different experience of the world and it's got to mean something. I haven't been blood related to a single person whose bed I sat by when they died - holding their hand or being present with others. To be here now and at the hour of one's death - what is closer than that? What is more "family" than that? To celebrate YOUR baby's conception and birth.. I personally plan to do that with you whether I'm able to be present or not. And those people who are with us, holding our hands... those are the people with whom we've cultivated relationships - deep and indelible. And not to worry if deep and indelible relationships of one phase of life aren't the same as those relationships in other phases of life... it's okay for things to be mutable and permanent all at once. /Sigh... sometimes I think you're soooo much more than you give yourself credit for being. Both to yourself and to/for others. -Zu
from smokefree-me :
Catharsis by fire. A lovely little ceremony.
from annanotbob :
Onward and upward indeed. I've also found myself drawing a deep breath and muttering a bit of Winston Churchill, 'We shall fight them on the beaches' etc. Thanks for your kind note. Burning of unwanted past sounds nicely cathartic. Hope it is, love and hugs xxxx
from zuzus-petals :
welcome home!!! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Wow.. that's a lot of stuff. My parents used to have that rule re: "no one sleeps in the same bed unless they're married" rule. The rule began to fall apart when my father's divorced (gasp) brother began dating and bringing his dates to visit. At first they made them sleep in different rooms, but eventually that faded. I think initially it was about setting an example for us, their children and to be able to enforce the 'rule' with us. Partly it was driven by moral issues. For my own part - being unmarried and in a long-term relationship - I'm happy with the notion of living by 'their' rules under their roof - letting them know that I won't sleep under their roof if their rules feel uncomforable. Initially that meant that they never met my partner - because I wasn't going to ask him to visit and sleep on the sofa, etc. So when they asked why I wasn't visiting and/or they weren't meeting my partner, etc., I just said that I respected their rule and their rule was keeping me from visiting and it was their choice to change rule if they were looking for a different outcome. That took it away from ME being the bad guy to the decision being fundamentally and ultimately in their hands and if they didn't like the outcome, they saw how they were the ultimate barrier to a different outcome. I never brought it up again. They changed the rule on their own accord. I let them know that whether or not they were married, they were welcomed in my house and they were welcomed to express their love deeply and without abandon as long as they didn't hurt anyone.
from smokefree-me :
Whew. Glad you'll be showering. Relieved everything resolved so well. Think you're well beyond the 'dating' stage. Dating to me implies returning to your own abode after the evenings festivities. Co-habitating sounds rather cold, and being a "significant other" is just, ehh. There's enough folks doing it (heh), ought to coin a suitable term.
from fightn4life :
Common Law marriage…that is what I think about it. You share a life, a home, finances, and love. Yes, there are second and in some cases third and forth chances with dealing of the heart. You won't fu*k it up, stop worrying and enjoy your love and your new beginning. I wish you so much peace. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Significant other. Partner (my personal preference.) Then there's the standard ones to choose from: Boyfriend, "Man," Husband, Fiance, "Baby-daddy," better half, chain/ball... - Zuzu (glad it all worked out re: the shower!)
from zuzus-petals :
Hey, with regard to the weight loss stats, does that pretty much mean you made your target? - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
My two cents is to take the high road which is the following email: "Greetings, I just realized we havev a 'save the date' on my calendar for your baby shower, but I don't see any confirmation, so I'm writing to touch base. Are you proceeding as planned or have you changed the date, etc? Let us know so we can plan accordingly, and again, many congrats!" She asked you to save the date (AND made a point about asking M to forward that request), don't worry at this point about offending her or making her feel uncomfortable about this confusion. I'd presume an honest oversight of some kind and I would NOT be offended - I would seek clarity. If she didn't intend for you to be invited, she would NOT have made a point of asking M to forward the address - and if she rekeyed your e-address in, a simple one letter mistake could be the culprit if she's using e-vite! Don't be insulted, DO speak up - it sounds like they've been on the up and up thus far - treat them with respect, assume the best about them, they'll do the same in kind! - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Your Darling still have an invite? Are you tacitly included in that? Not sure how the whole e-vite to a shower protocol goes. Can your Darling run a polite inquiry back up the line via his sister or does his 'let it be' attitude preclude that? Was the 'save-the-date' note the actual invite? So many questions!!
from annanotbob :
Maybe she considers you invited already if she sent you a save-this-date thingy, and actual invites are to non-family. I can imagine doing that. You might meet people you like there. She might turn out to improve with time. I'd want to go on the basis of those two possibilities, while knowing that it may turn out to be hell, in which case it might make a good story. Love, lovely, lovely Alison xxx
from zuzus-petals :
Cool! More!! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Thanks for the anniversary wishes. Had a very nice day. Now I'm paying for the dinner - a little too nice. Mmmmm, creamy lemon/butter/garlic sauce.
from zuzus-petals :
That's how I feel about spiders mostly. Miss you. - Zu
from annanotbob :
xxx
from fightn4life :
Oh Alison I do understand your dislike of being a waitress on Sundays, I although a spiritual person and have a solid foundation of belief in our Lord, I use refer to Sunday church goers as "the God squad" (Forgive me) I am not one to go to church on a regular basis, (forgive me) organized religion is a bit to stiff and unforgiving of others that do not share "their" way of thinking. I use to cringe when a church goer would leave a pamphlet on the table that looked like a five dollar bill but was a message from God. "Here is your tip…" I fought within myself not to race out the door and fling it back stating I HAVE to pay taxes on their meal. THE HUMAN GOVERMANT LAW! But I didn't, I kept on waiting with that fake smile and how-de-doos. Not all people that attend church treat people in the work force like this, but enough they got the name, and we all use to fight over who had to work on Sundays. I do pray you can leave that job and not go off your meds. I know Don would be a basket case. When they adjusted his meds once it was scary. He couldn't even walk into a restaurant with out almost knocking me over trying to get out. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Thank you so much Alison for your offer to help, I know you are so busy racing from one place to another. I tried working my waitress job and my full time job for a year and it was difficult. I was so tired much of the time. Now my full time work has added so many hours I couldn't have a second job if I wanted. Can you guys make it without your waitress work? I hope so. I have the original template that I had posted; it has feet images on it. Or…I can send you feet prints, or use the prints my daughters have as tattoos. Hum…what do you think? Sandyz
from annanotbob :
xxxx
from fightn4life :
Sorry for not leaving a footprint in your world. I am so happy for you; I hope so much this new job helps you find peace in your life. (BTW) I love your poetry. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Sooo glad you got a decent job!! Hurrah! Your comments are always welcome, my dear. I'm thinking maybe sometimes we have to hit the bottom before we can start to bounce back. But I am quite stoned... hugs xxx
from madrigle :
hehehe, I am one of those guys, that people describe to other people by how much I smile and how much I laugh. And thanks! Hugs to you.
from annanotbob :
xxx
from pink-circle :
Hey girly, you still interested in The Circle? Make an entry some time. :) ~Phoenix
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison, Boy do I relate to the snooze…eeks…it's like hearing beep-beep a thousand times. Yep, Don is a snoozer. It doesn't bother me but his snoring does. Many nights I take my cat and go to the couch and still I can hear him. Some times from a distance it is like a lullaby, but close by like a roar. I haven't made a decision on where I might go yet…I do know I can not live my life with a substance abuser, there will never be trust for a future, I am mulling things over right now wavering back and forth. I realize all we share (the materialist things are just things…but still some I want to keep with me) And this house the long hours we have put into it…all so over whelming. I am getting older (ok I am old) but there is part of me that worries about health benefits. I am planning on a trip to Florida in mid September, who knows I may not return, I do have a flight or fight instinct and I am all burned out from fighting. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Wishing peace right back at you sweetie xxxx ps sorry I never come up with anything constructive. We're in the shit together, on our different sides of the world. This too will pass. That's what I'm telling myself. Love xxx
from fightn4life :
Dear Alison, I am so sorry as my heart breaks for you. How I wanted to tell you when you decided to move north not to go. I felt I was only in conflict with my own pain of all I feel I left behind when we moved to this God forsaken place. I left a life with horses, friends from an art group, a writers group, and many people that I knew from running a Critter Sitter business, and training horses. My past seems so far away from the pain of today. I pray so much you find in that place in your life what you were looking for, I pray an awesome job opportunity unfolds right on your path. You are such a beautiful person that has walked through some devastating times, Lord Alison, I wish you peace. Write all you want, I will always be here to read your gift of expression. My writing at this time is my only salvation as I understand a little of what you go through at work. I have often thought {there is no intelligent life forms where I work} not that I am one so wise but the people I once connected with through awesome conversations are as distant as the miles that now separate me from my past to the present. Now I stand alone face to face with my "soul mate" a blasted alcoholic. I think I have known it all along; I kept my head buried in the sand. This road I have traveled before, what a fool I have become. Again. My heart is with you, may peace fill your world and comfort you. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
DAMNLO! - me (I love you, however. And whether or not you got the job, that doesn't change any of THAT.)
from annanotbob :
Aw, sorry to hear that. Foolish people. Love xxx
from fightn4life :
I am so sorry Alison, so very sorry. I too wish you peace. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Man, I have no words. Didn't they provide a timeline? Keep hanging in there.
from zuzus-petals :
oh honey... call them? I'm sorry.. - Zu
from annanotbob :
I wish you peace too, and news xxx
from zuzus-petals :
It's not too lat to call.. it's reasonable to call them and ask if there is any news, restate your enthusiasm for the job.
from smokefree-me :
". . . The suspense is killing me. . ." You are not alone. Sending good karma thoughts out your way.
from fightn4life :
I love this connection of thoughts. I wish you peace. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Hang in there. Did they give you a firm timeline for the rest of the process? Remember, they (the interviewers & HR folks) aren't near as anxious about this as you are. Time isn't the same to them. When do you leave for home?
from smokefree-me :
I likely read your last entry of 6/26/06 while you were in your interview. Hope everything went/is going well. How was the jacu22i? Have a safe trip back home.
from fightn4life :
Sounds like you are having a great time…enjoy. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Email me and tell me more about what/who this job is about. I thought it was the third interview re: the airlines.. but this is something to do with a university? I'm confused. Fix me. - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
YAY for dry pants! YAY for technology (when it works)! YAY for Alison! YAY for Jacu##i tubs! You're not scattered. It doesn't matter if you can't walk and chew gum. No one is asking you to chew gum. Besides, I thought we all came to the conclusion that the gum didn't do much for us (grin.) RAH, RAH, You ROCK! - Zu
from frisky69 :
I like sex, not just a one night thing, but the kind'a sex that you share with someone you love. My boyfriend fucked tha crap outt'a me lastnight and I just feel like i can't get enough. Usually he takes it nice and slow. I WANT MORE! Is there anything wrong with that?
from zuzus-petals :
Good thoughts, good thoughts, good thoughts, good thoughts. Many. ((I'm sending you the best karma I have - I hope it's not broken!)) - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Good luck, good luck, good luck. Be relaxed and knock their socks off.
from annanotbob :
Thinking good thoughts, wishing all the best, love and hugs xxx
from smokefree-me :
Very tough sitting on the verge of good things. Patience can be difficult to master. Remember your 3 C's. They apply to more situations than what we first learned them for.
from annanotbob :
Glad to hear things are looking up. Have a great trip xx
from smokefree-me :
GAH! You're doing super in all categories lately, aren't you. Way to go! Don't you love it when things start to come together?
from smokefree-me :
Kinda funny now, isn't it, with the shoe on the other foot? A gift is a gift is a gift. I remember saying that to someone not too long ago. Hmmmm. Got a quickie pond picture for you too. It's here: http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g263/bkrhoda/Pondapalooza/101_0015.jpg
from smokefree-me :
Holy shitskies!! Way to go Alison!! Fantastic news. You've earned this. Happy, happy, joy, joy.
from zuzus-petals :
OMG! Of COURSE you'd get the next interview.. but I'm so happy for you. YAY Alison! YOU ROCK! (Doin' the happy Alison Dance!!!) - Zu
from joiedv :
Congratulations!!!
from fightn4life :
Three cheers! You did awesome all on your own. I am so happy for you. :) Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
Congrats alison. I am happy for you.
from smokefree-me :
Yaaaaayyy for a good interview & positive vibes! Fingers & toes crossed for you.
from fightn4life :
I hope you get it too, today was a good day for you. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
yay!!!!
from fightn4life :
I figured it out after I reread it for the umpteenth time, also "there was a time…" I was half asleep when my mind registered…got it. I'm like that always thinking even when trying to sleep, and then I dream weird stuff. I had several e-mail wondering where the rest of the poem I wrote, "Circles" was, and I figured it's racing around in circles somewhere in my mind. I do love the poem you wrote, left just enough to ponder. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Alison, I would love to read the rest of the poem...I am intrigued. Conrad's on three years of freedom if you hadn't received my PM on the boards. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
First, a big congrats on your 3 year quit! It is an accomplishment to be proud of. Give yourself a pat on the back for me. Second, during your 3 years of abstaining from the butt, how many people have you helped, or even met, via a direct or indirect link from a smoking cessation program, website, or diary ring? Hmmm? So what a bout a little ditty 'bout the folks you've helped out along the way? Just a thought.
from zuzus-petals :
What great news! Seems a tide has turned in the spheres of your life and it's leaking on others. I send you continued best wishes re: the job prospects!! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Great news on the job front. Nice having a couple of things working. I agree with you on the diet/exercise thing. I track what I eat, then make sure to do enough cardio to keep a small calorie deficit. Swapping some of the carbs for veggies helps too - get to feel full on fewer calories. Learning how to use those mini-tomes. I'm living in the index. Helps.
from zuzus-petals :
CONGRATS!!!!!! YOU rock!!! - Zu
from fightn4life :
Great work gettting a toe in, now just toss yourself through the door. This is a great day for you. No prayers just peaceful thoughts. :) Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Sending good thoughts your way about all those job prospects. Fingers & toes crossed too. A cold in May. Welcome back to the north country.
from zuzus-petals :
You know, you might qualify for county assistance with your medical bills. In your shoes, I'd seek out a county mental health clinic and see what they can do for you. It's not ike you really have an income to speak of right now. I have (a sister, brother-in-law, niece, nephew and his wife and their new baby) in Cascade (near Grand Rapids.) Oh.. so what does the dream mean.. hell if I know. I'd presume that the RV is a vessel for past memories, things you care and cared for. Likely you've turned a corner with how you hold/held the memory of your ex. Isn't it interesting, for example, that YOU didn't leave knowing full well you were partying on his turf... you sat calmly, petting the cat, asking after he and his? And it wasn't your inclination to get up and go - you offered, but you didn't just do it. It was him.. he shook his head and walked away and you hopped in that vessel of your memories and drove away with the cats - sans him. You didn't let go the memory of the cats.. but it's clear the ex wasn't going on this trip with you - into the future, with memories in tow. I think your psyche is letting him go. - Zu
from fightn4life :
I am sorry you feel down about your move north, it took me a long time to adjust to PA after 15 years in Florida. I was able to let go and love life up north when the good things going on out weighted my desire to step out of the cold harsh winters. …when we had horses on our farm and I went on to learn to train them. I finally got a job I loved and got involved with and art group and a writers group. I still to this day miss my life in PA. For some reason I have yet to warm up to this place, I suppose because I have a job that pays well and has awesome benefits but it is not a job I would pick to do, given a choice. We live so far out, have no close friends (my schedule bites) and belong to no groups of interests. Good Lord here I am bitching in your space. Sorry. I wanted you to know I connect with your disharmony. When you get a job you enjoy and have more time with your new love your thoughts will change. Your dream was awesome…I feel it is a connection from the past colliding with your present. You traveling alone in your dream might be a fear that things will not work out for you and your life will again be filled with ghosts of the past. I do not interpret dreams this is only an observation a fear of what might come to be. Try and stay with the moment and think positive. (Great advice from someone that struggles everyday with this) I have wonderful thoughts for you today that a great job will unfold for you. I too wish you peace. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Good luck with the job interviews xxx
from smokefree-me :
Yahoo! Very nice start. The 2 changes you made obviously helped. Now go swim some laps. Then you can hit the jacuzzi.
from smokefree-me :
Very cool stat box for the Weighdown. How do you create little ditties like that?
from annanotbob :
I think it's OUTRAGEOUS that you work those hours without a break. Shocking. I haven't forgotten the six things, by the way, they're bubbling under. Doing art is soothing, isn't it, even 'bad' art. Love xxx
from smokefree-me :
You go with that running! Getting in an entire mile on the first serious effort of the year is a great start. Mad props for resisting the scale too. Keep up the great work. Enjoy run #2.
from serenaville :
Wow! Thank you, so much, for adding Serenaville to your faves/buddy list! It's so nice to know you'll be reading regularly. I don't take the investment of time for granted. Most appreciated! Thanks again! :) -Serena
from zuzus-petals :
I know you've probably said this before.. but what town are you in in MI? - Zu
from joiedv :
Alison ~ Ok, I did it. Check it out. It will probably be up for awhile since I'll be to busy to post again until I'm out of town and unable to post ;) ~ Liz
from smokefree-me :
Got your tag. I'm working on it. Really.
from smedindy :
Pssssst...I did it, my own way!
from madrigle :
lol, cool. Thanks for the compliments and for making yourself known. :D 6 weird things, ok, well I'll do my best.
from smedindy :
Hey, I do stop by from time to time. But thanks for the heads up. I did 5 of this thing, I think, already. I know I did on MySpace. Anyway, here's five: http://smedindy.diaryland.com/051229_30.html I may do the six this week, but write it so it doesn't SOUND like I was tagged, since I've kind of made public statements about NOT doing them here, but do them all the time at MySpace. Yeah, it's all mixed up. Anyway, thanks for the kind words AND the tag! You take care!
from yeahimadork :
You know, one of my other diary buddies tagged me for this, but I forgot! Me and my flakey memory. Jeez... I hope I can narrow it down to just six. :)
from smokefree-me :
Yay for the UPS guys!! Now I gotta go back and see what else I missed,
from pikachu1lt :
Your tagged read my blog
from zuzus-petals :
... trapped in a perfect world ...
from zuzus-petals :
You're tagged, read my blog. - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Thank you Alison
from zuzus-petals :
I have many male friends that I spend a significant amount of time with. I suppose because I know that they're strictly platonic relationships, I don't think twice about them - nor does Ed, honestly. If Ed were to spend as much time with women as I do with men, I'd raise an eyebrow and I can tell you I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Just goes to show, heh, that I'm more trustworthy. - Zu
from fightn4life :
"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." Trust this; your new life will take wings and a lovely you will emerge. Lord knows it is true rather you believe or not, I know He is one who believes in you. (Thanks Zuzu, I needed to feel that one again as well) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Alison, I got the pictures back from our 3D meeting and took a close look at them. You are beautiful and look so very young. Your hair was tied back and your face has a youthful look, not hardened as some of us that have felt the sting of life. Don't look at your self through your mothers eyes, and don't lose yourself so soon after a major move. You have always said live a day at a time, you are looking far into the future you have lost sight of what is in front of you. I feel this as I do it often but I am unsure how to fix myself. I know it is hard to live the separation and do a job you do not want to do for the rest of your life, I feel this often. Give this move time, give yourself time, good grief Alison I have just got my pictures back, it seems like we just said goodbye as I watched you leave the restaurant. Your eyes still burn in my soul as I felt such a warm and promising future for you and your love. A new life in bloom, Alison, I wish you peace. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Hang on in there, girl. The gloomy new days will pass and life will shine again. Hugs xxx
from smokefree-me :
Was it the Kinks? Love that dirty water, oh (someplace) you're my home. I can hear it in my head now. Thanks.
from zuzus-petals :
You slay me (grin.)
from zuzus-petals :
I think it's impossible for one to lose their worth - absolutely impossible. It might be a matter of self perception - or maybe more generally perception and perspective (as SandyZ might remind you, "Use it or lose it. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly.") We're made of what, a few dollars in chemicals and how much water, again? And the price of bottled water has gone up. Though our water likely isn't so pure and wouldn't pass inspections. We're more like the "dirty" water of a lake - filled with bio-doodles, organic matter and all this reflected and refracted light - as worthless as Niagra Falls, the Great Lakes and the Pacific Ocean. As worthless as happiness, contentment, anger and resentment. As worthless as my lover's hand in mine, against or with the day. As worthless as the future and all this beauty and bounty before us. It's just not possible to be worth less than we are - it's just not possible - here with all this useless beauty. All I can think to say is, "stop waiting." - Love to you! - Zuzu
from joiedv :
Sorry about the sulphur. I didn't catch that; afraid I didn't read back too far. But I enjoyed what I did read, and so marked you as a favorite. There have been so many times in the last couple of years that I have peeked into an interesting diary and not added it, thinking I would be back again, but then never was. I will read more in the future.
from joiedv :
If you can find homeopathic sulpher pills (health food store) that works well for an UTI, espcially in conjunction with the cranberry juice and lots of water. You are probably fine by now, but maybe for future reference :)
from fightn4life :
So many fragmented lines much deeper than my mind can comprehend; I pray all is well in your new life. Please in the least let me know you are ok. Sandyz (Beautiful poem but desolate)
from zuzus-petals :
Can you elaborate on this one further? It touches something sad and I hope things are okay with you and him and you and 'em. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Alison, I loved this entry, I often dance through the rain act nuts and just toss caution to the wind. For me it might be easier as I have the kids and grandkids that allow me to stay young at heart or perhaps I use them as a reason to buck the "norm." I didn't want to be a stuffy ole grandma with pouched lips glaring at my grandkids in disapproval of the way they acted. My god I just described my grandma, God bless her soul. On my last visit to Florida I had taken my two young grandkids to the park, it started to rain and little Mikey and I, my youngest daughter's son went racing through the rain, down the slide. Lord we laughed, I haven't a clue if any one else was at the park. When you have that little one your heart will be light and I'll bet you will dance in the rain. If chance brings us close again some day I'll race you bare foot through the night. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
If you go into the woods, where no one sees you, they'll never know you danced in the rain and it won't mean anything except that you danced... in the rain. Thinking of you often... wishing you really good stuff re; this recent move. - Zu
from fightn4life :
I do recall those crazy shifts from my wait staff years, still when I am away I miss the people. I hope things get better for you, money and health. I know how important it is to have a good benefit package that is the most positive thing I can say about my work. It sure was great having the chance to visit; I haven't got my pictures developed. I had a few more to take. I look forward to getting them as I want my hubby to see who it was I met in town. Take care, Sandy
from annanotbob :
Tis my pleasure to explain that 'running a caff' means organising and staffing some kind of food and drink stall, presumably out of some kind of tent, but possibly in the open air - not under the kind of aggravation your job entails, but no doubt there'll be something. Caff is uneducated for cafe. xxx
from zuzus-petals :
THAT was GREAT! I gotta go tell Boann7 to read it!
from zuzus-petals :
Hey.. if you're uninspired.. I've been thinking a bit aboutsomething Boann7 wrote.. about "baggage" - and it got me wondering, "what IS baggage, anyways?" I think some words about what that means... "men seeking woman, no baggage" or "she has too much baggage." What IS baggage? Well.. I've been thinking and wondering about that.. have any thoughts on the subject? - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Be calm, stay strong. You at least realize it's trivial things you're having differences over, and you have the plans in place to relieve the situation. You're also no doubt still suffering from the stress associated with moving too. Re-establishing a routine and getting some external stimuli will help. You're headed in the right direction.
from fightn4life :
I can relate to the dilemma of where to put things or not. I love a clean open table and hubby likes his things/junk right close to where he sits. Drives me insain. Same as his dresser looks like a junk holder, he thinks it is just right. When friends come over I have to scoop every thing into a box untill they leave, now what does that say? Going to work and not having to deal with what he thinks and what I think helps. We have come to terms over the years, his side is a "mess" as I see it, my side is cleaned up. Have an awesome time at your new job. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Good luck. I think you are very wise in your assessment of the benefits of a job. xx ps This is a very sneaky note box. I find it hard not to say something, even when I have nothing much to say, other than I hear you, I suppose.
from fightn4life :
I am thrilled you found employment so quick, I loved being in the service business. I did hate needed to make a change here from wait staff to my present job for the benefit package. I miss the adrenalin rush when the place is busy and meeting many new people. I know out of my comfort zone but it is nice to have conversation with travelers. Keep us updated, been thinking about you lately. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Thanks for the explanation. Hope all is going well in your new home. I've done loads of waiting tables and bar work and I quite like it too. I can easily cope with an endless stream of people as there's always variety and usually lots of little moments of shared something-or-other that give a little lift. I so wish I could have bought your RV. All the best xxx
from smokefree-me :
Actually, I might have a couch available. Lemme check with the spousal unit as to it's ultimate disposition (the couch, not the spouse) Transport might be an issue. We are a bit closer geographically than we were 2 weeks ago, but it's still quite a drive from Rottenchester to Michigan. I'll keep you posted. Brian
from zuzus-petals :
Is there Craigslist there? maybe you can find a free couch on CL? YAY on the new job! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Glad to see that the Alison has landed. Welcome to the Eastern Time zone. You've picked a lovely time of year to arrive. Best of luck with the employment hunt.
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you made it home safe; I had an awesome time getting to know you in the 3D world, husband to be as well. What an awesome man and tall! Good Lord he is tall and very attractive, you two make an adorable couple. Take care and give this move some time for you to settle, I am still working on the giving it time part. :) Sandyz.
from f-i-n :
beautiful words
from annanotbob :
Just a quick hello. Wishing you all the best in your new life and new home xxx
from zuzus-petals :
Welcome to your new home.. it'll feel like it soon enough. If you build it, they will come! - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Hope this note finds you safe & in Michigan, or at least safely on the way. Thanks so much for your kind note the other day. Funny, Cindy & I had a good weekend. I can't figure it out, just going to go for the ride and see where we end up. Best wishes for you on your new journey.
from fightn4life :
Breakfast get together or dinner, it doesn't matter, just the though of meeting you in person is what makes me smile Alison. I am so excited words are meaningless. I already have my camera, just waiting for your call. For so long it has felt our journey were connected and I have felt as though I have known you in "real" time, I even had your voice correct. When I first heard you on the phone you sounded like I heard your words over these years. It is Sunday night and soon, Tuesday afternoon I will meet you in person, how totally awesome. Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
alison, Let me know when you get to Michigan. I would love to met you maybe we can get together somehow.
from zuzus-petals :
I'm SOOOOOO excited for you! This completely rocks. I just love moments like this in my own life.. the day before something is so surreal and full of anticipation and retreival.. in truth I wish every day of my life were THAT day. I love it. I love the unknown. I love change as much as I complain about it sometimes. I'm terrifically envious. And equally if not more envious that you get to meet Sandy. And the next big news, no doubt, is that I'll get to be an auntie of some kind (YAY!) And then... and then who knows. Have a safe and wonderful trip... bring lots of fun music. Sing at the top of your lungs. I think what made this thing with the alchohol different for you a opposed to the partners of friends is that it came down to you - your recognition of a problem, your voice to do something about it. I don't know.. just a guess. BON VOYAGE!!!! Much love and good thoughts! - Zuzu from ZuzuLand!
from annanotbob :
Thanks! Hope all goes well over these few days. xxx
from pikachu1lt :
Let me know when you are gonna be in my neck of the woods and where you are moving to Leona
from fightn4life :
This post brought tears to my eyes; poetic is the perfect word for saying goodbyes in the California rain. I have said goodbye so many times in my life it is hellos that are difficult. The loyal dog and lonely grizzly must be standing at the paths crossing when two distant worlds collide. Some how this must happen, with only one life to live we must grab for gold when the stars are aligned. There are certain cyber friendships that are indeed "priceless," said the grizzly to the dog. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
I didn't know you taught martial arts, but your words made me think about what I have learned from reading you and it is always to come back to that still centre. You don't necessarily say it in words but it's what I find there. Peace and love, lovely Alison xxx
from zuzus-petals :
YAHOOO!!!! - Zu!
from fightn4life :
Just as I told boann7 "(Sulking) I wanted to be a cat or dog, horse even but a blasted grizzly freaking bear, I'm freaking pissed! What blasted temper are those idiots talking about. Wait till I see them a-ho*les that put that quiz out. :) Smiles so sweet," I so look forward to seeing you on your trip through the Ozarks, Sandyz
from annanotbob :
I've decided that last days are just horrible in many different ways but once you're away and into the next bit, it becomes exciting, an adventure. Peace to you too, my dear xx
from zuzus-petals :
Tell me a little bit more, via email, about the HTML code that allowed you to put the little music video thingy on the left hand side of your screen. I really like that. Who is it, by the way? - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Ooooh.. very much good luck! I'm glad you're making the attempt - tres bravo! Thanks for your missive. Re: your note - firstly thanks and I'm SO jealous you're meeting Sandy mano-a-mano. Nextly, I'll take you up on the non-diet approach to losing this 10-15 pounds. Ideas? I think rail thin is always a little absurd - but there are plenty of 40-something women jogging the mountains or mountain biking with very little body fat and I think look sexy as hell. I don't mind if a little skin sags - that's the nature of getting older.. And you know, if I don't like it, I could always gain the weight back. - Zu
from annanotbob :
All the best Alison, I hope it works out. Anna xx
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you are healing so quick, I keep thinking of your move North, I am getting excited for you. I do hope there is a way we can connect on your way to your new home. Sandyz (I love your new look, I feel calm when reading your page. :)
from zuzus-petals :
I'm so glad to hear it went well!
from zuzus-petals :
I hope your stomach has settled down and that it all went well. I anxiously await a post to hear about the day. My thoughts are with you and I have a good feeling about things.. so I hope my premonitions come to fruition... good things. ((I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE how easy it is to leave a note now!)) - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Oh I love it.. this is GREAT! YAY!! - Zu
from aliannmil :
testing my new note input
from zuzus-petals :
Congrats on a speedy recovery. I like the new look. I wish you had a easy button leading to your "notes" however. Good luck on Monday! Keep us posted and kudos on the LHJ article. Can't wait to read it! - Zu
from annanotbob :
You are such a darling. You have no idea how much it means to be given words of encouragement from someone like you. I'm glad your op went well and wish you a smooth transition to your new home, where I am sure you will be loved and appreciated for the kind strong woman you are. all the best xxx
from fightn4life :
I am so glad your surgery went well. You have been on my mind allot. Sometimes I almost wish I understood more about the mental illness my husband has because I cannot understand it. Some times I feel alone and unloved my thinking are miles away from his. His inability to do many types of work because of feeling closed in and panicked is slowly killing us. I wonder at times how long there will be an "us." I have put my foot down as far as working no extra overtime and I can see where we will be falling apart financially next month. I keep feeling like I should just give up and go back to working 60/70 hours a week. He is doing nothing that will take him out of his sphere of feeling safe. Oh well, I still have faith no matter what happens we will both survive. Sandyz
from smokefree-me :
Sending good thoughts your way. Hope your surgery goes as smooth as possible.
from zuzus-petals :
I really like the green. My thoughts are with you! - Zu
from annanotbob :
Your message made me feel so privileged and peaceful and safe, somehow, for which I thank you. I did just breathe out, then went and cooked dinner, for the first time in days. Thank you so much Alison. With a big hug and good wishes for your own steady passage xxx
from annanotbob :
Don't think it's good to watch - you can go into shock. Sending you lots of love and peaceful vibes xxx
from smokefree-me :
Thanks for the note the other day (week??) Weight wise, I'm now lighter than I've been in over 20 years. Feels pretty darn good. I've been kinda waiting for some inspiration to strike before I left you a note, but the inspiration, she ain't coming. So you'll just have to make do with an honest opinion regarding your impending move and life upheaval. You're going to come out of this fine. I think you are one helluva lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. You've come through so much already and have done a spectacular job getting and keeping your self on-track. I have confidence that you'll do fine. You just need to nurture that confidence in yourself. Hang in there.
from zuzus-petals :
OH Pashaw... "all your fault"... I wonder what you mean by that Ms Glass-is-half-empty, counting goodbyes instead of hellos. Shame on you (wink.) What an AWESOME photo of you and princessa!! YOU, not a good friend... PPPAAAALLLLLEAASE! You're a stalwart of strength, a font of wisdom (a geyser of glee? maybe that one's a stretch.) I'm excited for you re: your move. I love the way your life marches on despite your worries.
from fightn4life :
What a lovely picture you and JTP, you two are beautiful. I do understand how you feel about wanting to go but not wanting to say goodbye, I have run most of my life and now it seems I may be off again some time in the future. I too have never stayed in any state long enough to completely open myself up to others, I always felt if I stayed somewhere too long people wouldn't like the complex me. I always thought I should stay somewhere just long enough I would not tire of the place and someone just might miss me. The pain of losing some of my closest friends during my any moves is hard now that I am getting older. Looking back I know I had some awesome friends. Some are still with me though, through letters. E-mail and ever so often a 3D visit. Those are the times I cherish. I wish you much peace in this transition, and a quick recovery after this surgery. Did I tell you how beautiful you are? Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I will wait for you! - Zu
from annanotbob :
Thanks for your supportive messages. I don't know the answers to your questions, but I feel that keeping yourself as strong and well as you can and acting with love are always good. I think you are hard on yourself at times (re your ex). Have you read 'Heart of a Woman' by Maya Angelou? It's very reassuring to find that even a strong fabulous woman such as Maya made some bad choices. I wish you peace xxx
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, to your first question how do you protect your potential family from your current family I would have to say that you put that in the hands of God and teach the potential family about how the disease you have has fed into your current family. Show the potential family all the love feel inside and share that with them. Your second question: How do you comfort your mother and father without accepting the burden I have to answer this with a question which is how much do you love your parents and do you willing want to comfort and help them or do you just want to be free of the burden because if your answer is yes I love my parents and am willing to help and comfort them you need to remember that they did all these things for you as a child. Third Question: You can only feed your neice into your illness if you allow it. If you do not allow the illness to take over and control then you will not feed it to her. You know the dangers and the problems so you would most likely be one to be able to help her. Forth Question: Trust your feelings you will know what is right for you. Follow your heart on this one not your head Although caution will be advised. You are a very smart person and you know what is best for you. This is what I would advise and you asked what would I do this is what my advice is but as to what I would do I cannot answer that as I am not in your shoes only you are Leona
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, to your first question how do you protect your potential family from your current family I would have to say that you put that in the hands of God and teach the potential family about how the disease you have has fed into your current family. Show the potential family all the love feel inside and share that with them. Your second question: How do you comfort your mother and father without accepting the burden I have to answer this with a question which is how much do you love your parents and do you willing want to comfort and help them or do you just want to be free of the burden because if your answer is yes I love my parents and am willing to help and comfort them you need to remember that they did all these things for you as a child. Third Question: You can only feed your neice into your illness if you allow it. If you do not allow the illness to take over and control then you will not feed it to her. You know the dangers and the problems so you would most likely be one to be able to help her. Forth Question: Trust your feelings you will know what is right for you. Follow your heart on this one not your head Although caution will be advised. You are a very smart person and you know what is best for you. This is what I would advise and you asked what would I do this is what my advice is but as to what I would do I cannot answer that as I am not in your shoes only you are Leona
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, to your first question how do you protect your potential family from your current family I would have to say that you put that in the hands of God and teach the potential family about how the disease you have has fed into your current family. Show the potential family all the love feel inside and share that with them. Your second question: How do you comfort your mother and father without accepting the burden I have to answer this with a question which is how much do you love your parents and do you willing want to comfort and help them or do you just want to be free of the burden because if your answer is yes I love my parents and am willing to help and comfort them you need to remember that they did all these things for you as a child. Third Question: You can only feed your neice into your illness if you allow it. If you do not allow the illness to take over and control then you will not feed it to her. You know the dangers and the problems so you would most likely be one to be able to help her. Forth Question: Trust your feelings you will know what is right for you. Follow your heart on this one not your head Although caution will be advised. You are a very smart person and you know what is best for you. This is what I would advise and you asked what would I do this is what my advice is but as to what I would do I cannot answer that as I am not in your shoes only you are Leona
from zuzus-petals :
Ew... I know what you mean. I never married him/them.. but I've known them and sometimes dated them... and sometimes I think I actually was one of them. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Every step you took in the past has brought you to where you are today. Mistakes? No, lessons many, you'll not know how much you have grown in spite of the pain from your past. You are just as beautiful today as you were in your yesterdays, with oh so many of life's lessons learned. If doesn't matter Alison if others forgive you, it is their heart that will remain cold, forgive yourself and know there are many people your words are helping lead them from the darkness. You have been places some of us have not traveled so the road is a foggy one, just as many of us have traveled roads you have never placed a foot step on. Together we help one another through life's storms or those we love when people open up and share their yesterdays. I have no forgiveness to offer, only thanks for you being just who you are and the faith you have given me to take a look at life through eyes I didn't understand. Thank you for being right where you are today no matter how you got there. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Ouch.. bruised nothing but your ego maybe. Did you sing the song at the bottom of the stairs?
from fightn4life :
My heart and prayers are with you Alison, no move is easy and many adjustments will be needed in your new life. I feel you and your love will find happiness as this is a new beginning in so many ways. You have grown so strong over the last few years I believe it is through that strength you will over come any insecurities that you fear today. Enjoy your todays my friend your beautiful tomorrows will come one day at a time. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
That is a BEAUTIFUL ring!!!!
from fightn4life :
Alison what a beautiful ring, I adore it. I am not into wearing jewelry but I often envy those that can with out ripping their fingers off. My job always in the way of things I might enjoy. I too believe a man should think of something special for the woman in his life, I have filled hubbies ears with the little wants that so intrigue me. Last year I bought him an automatic cement mixer so he no longer had to mix mortar in the wheel barrel. He loves it. This year…hum? Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I think you did wonderful on this "tag" very interesting things about you. I agree changing lives has its advantages. I'll have to sit back and reflect to see how many new roads I have traveled throughout my life. Sounds like you are thinking of having a little one. My thoughts are you would be an awesome mom. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
OMG I can't believe it!! YOU are going to make the BEST mom on the PLANET!!!
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, Michigan isn't so bad really. It only gets cold in the winter and my favorite times of the year are spring and summer when you can get out and just cut loose. And the pine trees are the colors of fall are beautiful. It is always hard to make any kind of transition from one place to another but you know the old addage of the home is where the heart is and that doesn't necessarily mean the heart you give to someone but the heart you put into making a home. I am here if you need to talk. Leona
from fightn4life :
I do care about where you live Alison, because I want you to feel secure, loved, and happy. My ex hubby has family who I am still very close to in Michigan. I am not fond of that part of the world as it is too cold for too long and most important as you have in Florida, sad memories. The roots of my ex hubby's family are in Detroit, I pray you find peace where ever it is you chose to live. Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
I would love to be able to email and yahoo you so will look forward to hearing from you Leona
from zuzus-petals :
You ever read about the "stages" or "phases" of change? - Zu
from pikachu1lt :
where abouts in michigan are you gonna be. I live in michigan also
from zuzus-petals :
Believe in yourself. No matter where you go, I deeply treasure you. I wish you well on this adventure! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
So.. how did it go at work? At any given time, someone from work seems to feel I'm evil incarnate. Several times it has been the person in charge of supervising me. Sometimes underlings charting their vindictive path to my overthrow. Just keep taking the high road. You're not doing anything wrong. Keep your own notes on these situations and befriend the folks that matter (the HR folks, the bosses' boss, etc.) This too shall pass. - Zu
from smokefree-me :
Hope you could use this past weekend to relax and get yourself grounded again. Keep your resolve and please let your darling help you. I bet he's good at that. Keep hanging in there. Brian
from annanotbob :
I wish you peace, dear Alison.
from fightn4life :
Alison, celebrate with all your heart, be as proud of yourself as I am of you. You are an inspiration and an awesome friend. Sky diving sounds fun. I hope you are feeling better. Do celebrate you have beat the odds and you need to acknowledge this. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I'm glad you're feeling better! As for the celebratory gestures on the 11th. I think you SHOULD do something to celebrate, but I think it should be a celebration that is meaningful to you. I get the feeling that a chip among strangers is less meaningful then... hmmm... a laundry list of other options. I vote that you pick something off that laundry list. Sky diving perhaps? Please send M my regards for a speedy recovery! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
OH, oh, oh... get zinc lozenges.. they will help prevent it from going into your lungs/chest. I have that.. it came on like gang busters. That scratchy feeling and then wham... and it gets worse before it gets better.. and mine lingered for two weeks and I was dilligent.. REALLY on top of it - hot tea, lemon, Day Quil, Night Quil, sinus stuff, sleep, lots of sleep, zinc, vitamin C lozenges too... and despite all this hyper vigilance.. round two commenced last night.. the scratchy feeling ALL OVER AGAIN. For the most part I HAVE been able to stave off the lung part - but the coughing is for the scratches in the throat, not the junk in the lungs... I fear descension. Take care!!!! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Ms. A, thanks for your kind words. I'm doing very fine and in verily am in a good state of peace. I suppose I should clarify that the suffering that commences, I think, is the hard work of being dead and shuffling off this world and the grief of his lover of 25 years who will wake up this morning likely feeling alone, confused and frightened. Seems like a phone call is in order, eh? Perhaps a hike on the mountain with the Honey Bee might take the edge off. - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
HAPPY 31 MONTHS.. Many, many, many happy returns. ANd thank you for your constant support, inspiration and encouragement. You lead by example and what a wonderful example that is. Thanks for being. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! - Zuzu
from annanotbob :
Thank you for your kindness. Happy new year xx
from for-you-only :
Heh, yeah, it is.
from zuzus-petals :
I think it's a fine response, given it was such a hypothetical question. Try this... "when we had this little interaction the other day, my friend Zuzu said I should have suggested that you start looking for a better job." Let his eyebrows raise and let him ask you if you're pregnant. "If I am, how would you feel about it - happy, sad or indifferent?" After he responds, you can tell him that you're not pregnant but you'd like to think about it.. and if you're thinking about it, then he should at least be job hunting, right? You can invite him to share his thoughts - because if you're thinking, he should be thinking too.... whatdya think? - Zu
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you had a wonderful Christmas, you are so deserving. I had fun with the South Park thing, I'll post hubby & me soon. Thanks for posting the link. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Have a wonderful Christmas Eve Alison. My thoughts will be with you. :) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I was going to suggest the exact thing Zuzu did. I have a beautiful computer table I got for $30.00 and hubby and I bought a DVD oak cabinet for $60.00. All he had to do was sand down the left side and apply clear coat. I love it. BTW, I love your tree. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
before you plunk down loads of cash, DO see what's available on Craigslist.com. I'm a big fan of Craigslist. Most of my house was outfitted with furniture I bought there - like you I just can't go into debt on furniture.. it makes no sense to me. I got a kick-ass Taos Furniture sofa on craigslist for $500. My end tables wer $50 a piece and took me a total of about two hours to refinish the top of each one (they're pine) - sanding, cleaning, staining and waxing.. two hours.. they look like new. And I got a very cool dresser for $25 and another one for $75. While I purchased from different sellers - I just took my time and thus far everything compliments or matches everything else. Anyways.. if you're getting demoralized with the cost of things.. you really can find nice stuff on craigslist.. -Zu
from pink-circle :
Heh, age is often side-by-side with wisdom. :)
from zuzus-petals :
I think you should do it. I really think you should. I think you should talk to him and go to the doctor and start vitamins and prepare and I think you should do it. I think you'll be an amazing mom. ANY child would be blessed to have you as their mother. Hell, I have the world's best mom and I'd be blessed to have you as a mother. You don't get to make this decision again and not making a decision IS making a decision. Jump... the deep end! Okay.. now do whatever you think is best. I know your answer is the right one for you. - Zu
from pink-circle :
You are that of my mother's generation. (*giggles*) My mom has also recently (within the last couple years) discovered a wonderful cast of online friends. You might find you two have things in common. (Her e-mail is TaroDragon@aol.com , if you choose to contact her, title the e-mail with "Raederle said I should talk to you.") Anyway, I'm glad to see someone new, and interesting joining The Circle. The last few members to join are very innactive, and I don't think they've added bios. If you don't mind (and I hope you don't, because it will be done by the time you read this) I'm going to make a few slight changes to your bio (as I do with almost everyones) to make it a little bit better structured. (I'm working on becoming a web designer - I'm just a acolye as of now - but I can't stand a page to be not well structured...) Anyway, the next step in the "game" is to take part in any activity in The Circle that you choose. Since your new, and show interest in "Writing Chalanges" I'll walk you through all the activties that are now open. First, there is Writing Workshop. A new WW is made aprox. every two weeks, (depending on when I feel like it), the current one can be read about here: (http://pink-circle.diaryland.com/updatedec1.html) Another activity I'd urge you to persue is one no one else has chosen. The most recent Collaberative Story. No one has decided to add on to it. It can be read here: (http://pink-circle.diaryland.com/story2.html) It's a sci-fi type story. To add to it, simply read it, write between a paragraph and a couple pages and e-mail them to pitifulbarbie@aol.com (title it with "The Circle (Story)") I'll add it as soon as possible. Good day, good luck, and for me, good night. (it's late here.) ~Pink
from pink-circle :
Hey! Welcome to The Circle! I don't know what you know about The Circle so far, so free to note me any questions you may have. If you wish to join the newsletter, note me your e-mail address. To create a bio page, visit this page: http://pink-circle.diaryland.com/howbio.html
from fightn4life :
See the beauty of the lights, your soul, and the new love you found. Let the ghosts of Christmas past lay rest if you can, your mom is not there for you to feel complied to push over the edge. Have no expectations good or bad and try to move through this holiday season just as you quit smoking, one day at a time. Hubby too is having a difficult time as his illness seems to intensify over the holiday season, I normally try to help him through this time but finding myself out there in wallow land as of now I am trudging along beside him. Maybe I'll take the leap as you have and get a tree. I do love the lights, it is a start right? I too wish you peace Alison and a memorable holiday season. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I think so too.. she IS beautiful (and snuzzly) and Just LOVE her! And I realize I haven't said it yet.. YOU ROCK --- YAY the magnificent Alison re: Nanowrimo!!!! You're a WINNER!! - me.
from fightn4life :
You did it Alison!!!! Congratulations, you are awesome. I love your winner certificate hope you know how incredible this is. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
9,000 words!!??! That is SOOOOO doable! You're so going to make the word count. YAY YOU!!!! Doin' the NaNo-jig in celebration of the fabUlous Alison!!!!! YOU RRRROOOOOCCCCKKKKKK!!!!! - Zu!
from zuzus-petals :
This I am not sure how to express. I'm not sure.. but I don't think that love is watching someone die. I think love is being willing to kill someone... it's maybe not coming out right, maybe never can or will come out right. Maybe we don't talk about these things.. maybe we just whisper about them. Come closer. - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
I love, love, love the new graphic!
from zuzus-petals :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I wish I was holding something really valuable to give you today.. to celebrate the day you were born.. to celebrate the moment that was precursor to knowing you.. which I celebrate all the time. Thanks for coming into this planet.. although I know you have been, at times, a reluctant traveller... I'm so, so glad you're here! - Zu
from fightn4life :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY fellow Scorpio! Do us a grand time. :) Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Hey! Happy birthday! xxx
from fightn4life :
Wow, I am impressed, you are hitting the keys and look as if you may get that 50,000 word count by the end of month. Keep going this is awesome new's. Sandyz
from smedindy :
Thanks for the note. Happy birthday to you as well! Scorpios rule!
from annanotbob :
Thanks for your voice of calm. You're dead right too. Love, xx
from fightn4life :
I love your photo you are gorgeous. You should live in this part of the world when I got my new license it was early morning and no one wanted to set up the photo booth, the women asked if I would mind using my old photo, now that was a stupid question. A photo from over 5 years ago, so for the next five years I still have a not so bad picture of me. Ok…living here wouldn't be worth keeping an old photo on my licenses. But think about it when I am 60 if I go early…wow the possibilities. As far as having children, this must be your choice and your love. You are right it is a lifetime commitment with all the sorrows and joys that follow life. I have known women that had children well into their late 40's. The time to give life has been extended for many wishing to embrace parenthood. You know better than anyone does how you feel inside, this choice to be yours. I feel it is a personal decision that answers will come to you during quite moments. For me there are awesome benefits in life on both sides of the parent/parentless fence, and no wrong decision. Go with your heart, you look young, act, feel young and much to give to the world, being a parent or not. You are awesome and God has a plan. My thoughts only. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Hey, like they say..."no plot no problem" :) What ever you decided will be awesome. I too changed my mind at the zero hour, first thinking to re-write a half lost manuscript. It was too painful to go back right now and find the words. So I decided "The Four Year Letter." My life at work over the last four years. Last night I went from serious hurt to light humor. This is awesome. I had a blast seeing humor in being me. Keep on writing my friend...Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Good luck with nano!
from annanotbob :
Thank you so much for your kind note. Bi-polar hadn't occurred to me, but seems to make sense. Wishing you well, Anna
from zuzus-petals :
you HAVE to make some kind of art with the metal - a sculpture, something usable like adornment for a teapot perhaps? It's very cool to think those things were inside of you for so long, holding something together - it's so frill'n intimate in some disturbing way. I love it. I'm glad you're on the mend. - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you are feeling no pain...this may be the end of all your hand problems. Ya think?? Hang in there, not using your hand...hum??? I wish you much peace. :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Congrats! Welcome home sans the metal! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Thinking of you!!! You're brave despite yourself and I'll lend you some courage too. - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I agree God did not have a hand in this hideous act, nor did HE turn a blind eye. Man has free will; we do as we choose all during our life. Instinct and survival are within us humans as well as the animal kingdom. Man is accountable for everything he chooses to do with his life. ("Man"/"He" being human life, not a gender issue) I agree too this woman should be removed from society for the remainder of her pathetic life. What I do feel is the Lord is saddened by this act of insanity, damaged soul, whatever title we place on it. What HE will do at the end of her time, only God knows. How sad for those innocent children, how freaking sad. I pray your surgery goes well. I'll be watching for your update. I too wish you peace. Sandyz
from annanotbob :
Thinking of you xx
from fightn4life :
Please tell me this wasn't about a "mother" throwing her children off a pier. A metaphor maybe? Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Sounds WICKED fun! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
They don't call it the badlands for nothing, eh? Hey.. did you happen to see The Devil's Playground on your way in to AB? - Zu
from fightn4life :
That is the most awesome place I have seen. Thank you for posting those pictures. When hubby gets up I have to show him a part of the world he has yet to see. I think a trip to somewhere like that would be wonderful for our relationship. Maybe it would help us to get away and have some us time. :) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
OMG...What awesome pictures. Someday I would love to take a hike in a desert. (I have the lungs to do it now.) :) Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Frill'n stunning! The desert is so beautiful! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
It's true what she says.. people like her! - Zu
from fightn4life :
Sorry about surgery again, Lord it must suck. My oldest daughter is having her forth knee surgery next week, nothing but problems from a wire they used. Wish I lived closer to help. Sorry I am rambling at your party. My thoughts are with you. Hey, what an awesome man you have. (Thanks for the e-mail I am seeing how a few things work out before answering,) so far not so good. Sandyz
from indigomonkey :
Heya, thanks for the advice and support, it is much appreciated and it helps, I will go forth in honesty and prevail! Sorry to hear about your wrist and surgery again. Sending healing vibes.
from zuzus-petals :
Oh that soooo sucks (re: the hand and surgery again.) But, on the bright side (just call me Zuzu "Polyanna" Petals), without the metal you'll likely feel less weather-related changes/pain and I've heard that while arthritis is still possible there's fewer complications with the metal gone - in the longer-term. But still... that SUCKS. Thoughts are with you. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Wow! The wall of blank thought is falling down as I read your entry. I had forgotten about, National Novel Writing Month. Thinking, thinking. Thanks Alison, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Or.. "how great you are!"
from zuzus-petals :
I think you should have just said, "I'm Muslim and I think the stamp is a GREAT idea - praise Allah." Heh. I usually just email someone back and ask to be removed from their e-distribution list.
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, I know how harmful words can feel. Do like zuzu says and tell him how you feel but try to do so with out anger or pointing fingers that only makes matters worse. I to have disagreements and misunderstandings with David (my fiancee) but eventually with talking about it we resolve it sooner or later. If I could I would give you a big hug but seeing as you are there and I am here I guess I will have to give you a virtual hug ((((((((((((Alison))))))))))))) Keep your chin up my dear things work out in there own time and way. God won't let you down he has his plans for you and he loves you. Look to him in your times of dispare and he will be there. Leona
from fightn4life :
Alison, your last two entries have given me some insight into what my hubby may be feeling. I feel him slipping into some kind of abyss. I can sense he is in pain but cannot reach him. I pray it is not something he feels I am doing, little things I might be doing that is causing this. I had wanted to e-mail you but have lost all e-addresses when I reformatted my hard drive. Maybe like Zuzu you can not read my diary either. I feel alone and worried about my future with my guy. At times it feels when you need the help doors start to close, other times they open. I feel doors are closing. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Ah sweety - I have days like that too - when my world becomes small and single words become so big. It's good that you can so quickly see the connections (and differences) between what your ex said, did and how it makes you feel and what M says and does and how it makes you feel. Sometimes Ed and I say things that are hurtful to one another. We try to remember that we're on the home team and it can't be "you and me against the world" if you and me are tearing each other down. We can tear everyone else down, but not each other. TELL HIM how it made you feel when he said this things about your breathing - but tell him later. He'll feel bad about it. AND remember that just because he has issues with things DOES NOT mean that you should change. Somethings, sure.. if you can put your shoes on without sitting on the bed - why didn't he say something earlier ... those things can be fixed. If you start tip toeing about on pins and needles that is a course of action YOU are choosing, not one he's asking you to take and one I'm sure he would not really want you to take. So don't go there. There is reasonable compromise and there is unreasonable compromise and action. Stay within your spectrum of healthy, happy and enjoyably livable. Most importantly (and you know all this.. I know you know all this... I'm only your walking, talking, string-around-your-finger reminder today), talk with him - keep communication open. He loves you. While he may be cranky, fundamentally he wouldn't want you to feel like you feel right now - it's not his intent - the deeper you believe and trust that, the easier sitting with these fleeting feelings will be. I think you're the bomb.. and I hope you know and trust that too. - Zu
from candoor :
beautiful rose and picutre and you so deserve it :)
from smokefree-me :
Thanks for your thoughts there Alison. as I was typing that rambling missive out this morning, your words kept coming back to me. Towards the end there I think I started coming to the realization that she's made her decisions. What ever influence I had to change her mind petered out long ago. She'll have to deal with what ever consequences come of this. I will ask my friends wife to at least call and check up on her - under the guise of looking after the coumadin. I think C has hid things well enough that very few people are aware of just how bad she can get. This one particular couple has been spared the worst of it thus far and I don't want to let them in on my real reasons for the check up call. The kids are fully aware of the situation, but both are away at college - 100 miles in either direction - one at Fredonia, one in Syracuse. They've seeen it all summer 3 years running and also suffer through her drunk dialing. I'm of a mind to skip any active intervention - I think there will be more resentment than any amount of good it might do. She'll either have to bottom out soon and realize what she's doing, or find the bottom alone, because I'm not getting dragged down with her. It's also become apparent that I'm not going to lift her out of this on my own. Think someone around here told me that a time or three. Again, thanks for your thoughts. You are wise beyond your years. Brian.
from smokefree-me :
What a guy. He's a keeper. Reminds me I should pick up a bouquet on the way home. For no reason, of course. Thanks for the tip!! Brian
from zuzus-petals :
Awesome missive! - Zu
from pikachu1lt :
Loved the entry about Georgia it was interesting and well written. Thank you for the insight to your life. Leona
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, You and I we share a ex and we share a disease. Perhaps my suggestion will help you in some way. Perhaps you could start your stories with my ex husband and I this may make things easier to describe your travels. I also have a past that is past with an ex and this is what I use. If I am not mistaken your disease is the same one I have bp and depression. These thank heavens are treatable and will be thus livable. Just keep your chin up and know you are a wonderful and loving person with an sweet smile and wonderful witt. You make us ponder our thoughts and face our selves. You are you and thus you are great and wonderful and you are loved. Leona
from fightn4life :
Alison, you were beautiful as a child and you continue to be stunning today. When you see you as others know you, you will smile know what an awesome person you are. So many lives you have touched and given hope when no was there. Hey, I didn’t feel defensive about your entry, I had wandered back to time when life was less complicated and we did know what those flat things on the end of our legs were for, with five little piggy’s attached to each. We even knew those boots were made for walking. Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
You were an adorable child Alison and I love the sock doll. I hope you are feeling better today and not the pain you were mentioning in this post. You are the best my friend. You give peace and love whereever you roam. Leona
from pikachu1lt :
You have nothing to be sorry for. I love your wit and your words. They are soothing and honest. You just keep on being you.
from fightn4life :
If I could, I would leave my SUV right where it is now and choose horse back or hiking to reach my destination each day. Where I live, it would be impossible, as modern times do not allow days to get to work and back. We are so remote that driving even during the rainy times would be impossible to get off this 6-mile dirt road without 4-wheel drive. Then the mountain we must drive down any time we need necessities from town or get to work. OH, but I have often dreamed of riding an ole mare to and from, or hiking. As for those that stayed to ride out the storm sad it sounds during my 15 years of living in Florida, we heard repeated warnings all during the season to "get out!." Most were false as nature has a mind of her own and changed direction. Last year as I sat here watching all four hurricanes hammer the Florida coast I called my granddaughter and asked her about another impending warning, she asked me "what hurricane". It became an everyday warning that many of the Floridians became numb to the broadcast. They decided to forget about the "one that hit" and keep going. I have to agree with Zuzu, the ones standing in those shoes understand their motives to elect to remain when possible danger is on the horizon. I myself have been guilty of this many times. I do understand where you are coming from, we need to find solutions to getting to places that do not require driving, we have a nation have become much too dependent on the hop in the car and take off. The next time I go visit my dad who lives two miles down this road I will walk. I use to do that every visit. However, I got lazy and drive. Shame on me. Your insight is awesome, if only… Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
While I agree with you WHOLLY about the feet thing - I also ponder the way news is meted out as entertainment - we're so used to hyperbole to sell newspapers and attract television viewers you never expect anything to be as serious as the news portrays. I was talking to a woman who lived in Guam for most of her life - she talked about storm warnings there and said she'd emailed her friends in the South thinking it was the same as her experience in Guam - that it's all over-inflated warnings and even the aftermath pictures don't tell the story accurately - always elevating a sense of drama to sell a paper or what have you. So when there is a REAL threat, well... is it real or is it just part of the entertainment machinery? Maybe they didn't leave because understandably and rightly they just didn't believe the news or their government. You've been through earthquakes - they're just not as bad, for the most part, as the media portrays. SO you go to the sports dome thinking.. we'll just ride this out for a few hours and go home. I wonder if at the time folks were given the 24 hour notice of the mandatory evacuation if it was calm and peaceful and a nice day for a 100 mile walk, relatively speaking. I totally get where you're coming from and I wholly agree with you - and I also think there are other reasonable reasons why folks might not have left. - zu
from fightn4life :
Thanks again Alison, so much of what you write about is fragments of what my husband tries to tell me. He doesn't have the gift of expression and is at loss for words at times he loses himself in a down ward spiral. Reading your entries give me insight. I read to him your poem and he said he feels that all way many times. Weird, most poetry he does not understand the message within the words. Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
In regards to your karma entry. I too sometimes hear those voices telling me how worthless I am. I too hide my true feelings behind a mask, and I too am so many of the things you have described. I am a bipolar with a great big bit of depression attached and am finding out more and more of what or rather who I am. You are not alone, we all have someone (our guardian angel) sitting on our shoulder and looking out for us. Alison , I wish you peace. Leona
from annanotbob :
Hello. I found you while drifting aimlessly from one scatty teenager to another and was filled with the desire to come and sit silently next to you, watching the waves roll in.
from indigomonkey :
hey! thanks for stopping by! and for the note...it IS nice to have a plan even if it isn't followed. ANd I live through myself vicariously too...I'm sure zuzu can explain that last statement!! ciao ciao!
from fightn4life :
The bible speaks of my wolves in sheep's clothing. I am not affected by man of false devotion. I believe in the Word of God not interpretations of those who find ways to turn his love into a battleground for others that think not as they do. We are all God's children, and we all have free will. God does not manipulate each of us like tiny little marionettes directing us this way or that. We each travel our own journeys, when bad things happen I do not believe the Lord is tossing lightning bolts directed at the "sinner". When bad things happens…all it amounts to is "SHIT HAPPENS!" I agree he should do us a favor and shut up. Better yet, I can choose not to listen to the crap. Sandyz
from smedindy :
I agree with the total hypocrisy of some of our 'religious' leaders. Religion is about finding peace and loving your fellow man...
from zuzus-petals :
Alison, I don't think it's failure, compromise or even some borderline state of being to own the kitchen stuff and have a net worth close to a wash. I mean, yeah, sure, it's wise to have a 401K or some kind of retirement investment account - but stuff? A sofa, a bed? I don't know.. if he has him on the dark side - less shit for you to move if things don't work out, on the bright side it leaves you discretionary income should you want a new salad spinner.... - Zu
from smedindy :
I do wish you peace as well. And you can have some of our rain!
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, Peace to you also. You will one day find the peace you desire. The oneness with you. Leona
from zuzus-petals :
In that search for right-sized-ness, I think it's okay to identify the extremes. Sure insignicance and omnipotence are pretty good outer limits to start with. To the person whose lives you touch, change and inspire, I'm sure you're closer to the omnipotent end of the spectrum. To those who don't and may never know you, you're closer to the cosmic spec of dust. You've changed my world. You've changed M's world. You've touched hundreds of lives in many ways - those you are aware of and likely most profoundly those you are not aware of in ways you'll never wholly understand or know. But what does it really matter if you're unhappy? I suppose that's your point, yes? - Zu
from fightn4life :
Alison, go out, sit in the rain on an empty belly, and breathe. Breathe in the wonders of life. You are a beautiful person. If only you could see yourself as others perceive you. To me my friend belief or not, you are a wingless angel. I wish you could look into the cool spring waters and see the loving soul you have. You would dance in the rain, not sit. Much love, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Alison, go out, sit in the rain on an empty belly, and breathe. Breathe in the wonders of life. You are a beautiful person. If only you could see yourself as others perceive you. To me my friend belief or not, you are a wingless angel. I wish you could look into the cool spring waters and see the loving soul you have. You would dance in the rain…not sit. Much love, Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
oh yeah.. and by the way, my figurative bitch slap is endearment, not criticism... a form of a thank you but it's dressed up funny (grin.)
from smokefree-me :
You need a virtual smack upside the head. Or a boot in the butt. Go back and read your reality list. Twice. For someone who is afraid of change, you sure seem willing to make changes for the better. Smoking, drinking, asshat of an ex - all gone. You are healthier now than you've been in years, both physically & mentally. You're in a much better spot than you were 3 years ago - hell, even 1 year ago. Those are all good changes. You have a job, the beau is now back at work - you're back in the same rut with the rest of us. Yee-ha! C is also doing much better, thanks for the kind thoughts. Now are you going to straighten up, or am I going to have to put my size 11's to work kicking your butt? (in a virtual sense, of course). Nuthin but love & kisses from here, Brian.
from fightn4life :
Loved your reality list and your father's mantra… "Better than a sharp stick in the eye". I'll remember that one and repeat it when I am having a bad time. You have an awesome outlook, with every thing you have struggled with in life and grown stronger in spite of it, you inspires me. Congratulations, in case I haven't said it lately your break away from the nicotine addiction has and continues to light the way for me. I am fast approaching two years of freedom. I find it amazing to have come this far and continue to hold dear to my quit. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Love, love, LOVED your reality list! - Zu
from fightn4life :
Alison...Loved this entry, it came at a great time. I work tonight. I copied the 8 rules for work, they are invaualable. I spit coffee out of my nose reading number 8. It almost read like a you been there kind of thing. oh, Alison, what a hoot. Thanks for the roar. I am still laughing. ;) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison…thanks for the note and I will keep up to date with you two loony room mates. (Zuzu) I have to know how you two are doing incase you both end up in the same "sane" hospital, I'd want to visit. I am not really having a "bad" time. The pain of loss this month is a struggle but I am no stranger with learning to adjust and moving forward. I felt I was not managing my limited time my priorities were kinda off. I have a manuscript I have been working on for years…yep-freaking years. I let it collect dust over this last year and one night I read it. Ekes…what a disaster. I am rewriting the entire thing, writing to a reader and giving it a personal life of its own. The story is about the loss of my grandson, and the road I traveled one-step away from suicide. As many of us deal or have dealt with loss in many forms, this story I felt compelled to write if nothing more than to help my children, grandkids know there is light beyond the darkness. Our lives changed so drastically, most for the bad I was hoping to find the pieces and put the struggle to words. It is about faith; however, each of us deal with faith issues, even if it being only having faith within ourselves for the strength to let go and keep going in a positive way. I woke up one night after a dream and "knew" I had to write. Whenever I get too far away from it, I have dreams that I am supposed to write this story. This is the project I mentioned that I needed to put center stage. When I get back in the swing of working on this then I feel I can write in my diary also. I had to let you know I am fine…just trying to fit all that I want to do in my time off. {I am thrilled to hear you love has a job. Working different shifts is not easy as my hubby and I live in separate worlds. It can work…our time we spend together is quality time. When I don't lose myself in the writing} This I am working on. Thank you for wishing me peace…I always find peace within your words. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
He's got a J-O-B!!!! YAY m-beau! Rock'n dude we knew you ARE. Awesome stud man! Yadda, yadda, doin' the J-O-B-dance. That's for the good news, because it's GREAT news. As for the bad news (is that Ken our sunset man?), what a bummer.. but/and it's not such a bummer too. It's just someones story being told out loud and he's no less or more because he's drinking and smoking, he's just him, drink'n and smoke'n. Just a good man with an addiction - I can totally relate to that. And as for the roads in Marin... man I'm a BAD driver (and I don't mean that in terms of good-bad, I mean Bad - with a capital B, that rhymes with T and that stands for Trouble.) I can't seem to control the speed, or rather, keep at a constant speed.. and I lurch forward a good deal (and Secret gets tossed about the Rodeo like a rag doll... but what a trooper she's been.) So postpone your vacations to the north country till I have a little more road time under my belt (wink.) You can complain about your wrist all you want sweety... don't bother me none no how... you get to have troubles to and they don't have to be "big" to talk about 'em. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Alison, Wish I knew the right words. I do understand your world kind of at this time. Depression feels as if it is but a heartbeat away as my hubby is still struggling to find work. I understand how their depression can become yours/ours. You love this man and he loves you. Try to live as you quit smoking, one day at a time. Don't go in search for what tomorrow might bring…too much skepticism within those thoughts. Grab hold of some of my faith if you can…you don't have to lean on trust from a certain power…put faith in the power of positive energy created by positive thinking. On the other hand, you can tell me to take a hike…I am better at times seeing a big picture from a distance. My prayers are with you, I worry so about you. Sandyz (I pray peace fills your heart)
from fightn4life :
My computer has been down for the last several days, a downlad gone haywire. Anyway...Alison...what is going on? I'm worried about you. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
*GASP* Honey, what's happening!?!? Things don't sound good... what's going on? - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
heh... Share the ick! I actually don't think your icky was showing so much - I mean, there they go again, unoriginal, uncreative, sleeping with a mutual friend. Isn't that just the fuck - not only do you have to deal with the break up, the difficulties of lost love, but you also have to deal with the fact that you dated such an uncreative loser to boot - I mean, among all those things, what's the worst?!?! I have to say I think it's better pining after the really great guy that got away, rather then waking up to the reality that you (heh... er... we.. you know, all of us who have been there) had such frill'n piss poor judgement - never sure who needs forgiving more.. me or him, in the end. Be that as it may... I'm glad your dad is on the mend! - Zu
from zuzus-petals :
Oh yeah... and another thing.. actually the original thing I meant to say but forgot to.... WAY BEAUTIFUL trail views!! I'm totally jealous... mui bueno! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Now this one might take a bit of looking into, but my understanding is that it is VERY difficult to get a diagnoses of childhood bipolar disorder - and while it's not a conspiracy to overmedicte children, it may be a conspiracy to deny them services (and indeed, appropriate treatment.) You might want to look into that one. - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
Alison, I am so glad you are willing to tell of your deepest thoughts and fears. This helps me understand the man I married. He takes two types of meds to help silence the demons. Without them, he could not even leave the house. Still at times when they speak to him, he moves into a world only he can find. When I decided to share my life with this mountain man, his Dr gave me a video to understand his illness and his daily struggles to function in a world he finds complex. Your words Alison are testament to what at times he has no words to express…only an eerie silence as he stares out the window. Watching? Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
You know what kind of sucks... is that in these lock down facilities they merely stabilize you on meds and when they feel you're no longer a harm to yourself or another they release you to figure it out on your own. Psych wards just weren't what they used to be - medically unnecessary electroshock treatment, lobotomies on demand, group therapy sessions ala Girl Interrupted. Now they knock you up with lithium, give you a list of homeless shelters and a do-it-yourself will. No comforting paper slippers. We're on our own - to face this brave new world in our god damned cotton socks. And... well... we're doin' okay I guess. - Zu
from fightn4life :
Awesome!!!! Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
As the person who will be bunking with you in the asylum, as to your comments on Mr. Cruise ... here, here! I'll toast to that! - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
Gosh Alison I see myself all over your entry. Hubby has been out of work from October of last year. He had surgery and that recovery time was long slow process. Now I feel as if I am reliving my first marriage, in my heart I know this to be untrue but a nudging way down is calling me to compare the past.. Many similarities as again I find myself to be the one picking up the pieces and keeping the puzzle intact. I am tired and moody, same for hubby. I pray things work out for you as well as myself. I love and trust my man but time keeps moving forward and the job searching is at a standstill. I too wish you peace. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Love your Ying and Yang...if you want take any of my stolen parts from my Diary. :) Keep your Ying & Yang they are awesome. I think I know where your home is...I think...I'd say you could follow me but I would be afraid I might fall into the rabbit's hole. Wanna come there?? Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I HAVE seen your home! I have, I have!! Inquire within... - Zuzu
from lfashionista :
Hey there! Well, my mother is 47 years old (she'd slaughter me if she knew i told a soul)- and she dresses wonderfully. i think that woman her age look wonderful in things that are a bit funky, but toned done and more mature. to have a look that is sexy but not over-the-top way too weird- try a cotton/spandex blend in fabrics when you look for clothing. it has the cotton which gives a mature look, with a bit of stretch in the spandex to fit your curves a bit and add some sex appeal. as for color- i'd go for toned down versions of the late Citrus Craze, possibly a light orange. My mom likes T.J. Maxx for her clothes (as do I), but I'd definitely reccommend that place. it has cheap, nice quality clothes. try the brand Willi Smith. good luck!
from fightn4life :
Thank you Alison...Thank you...Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I wish you peace Alison. I dare not tell you what I feel I might do as to loose someone as specail as you would be a terrible loss to the world. I pray you find your song...your voice is strong. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
What an awesome cake. I love it. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I like the idea of the camera.. such instant gratification.. and you can share it here with the rest of us too (personally, photoshop is perfect for my particular pathologies... heh.) With regard to missing the pre-medicated self re: the psychiatric diagnosis... this is really a common experience... a few years ago The Sun had an issue with several articles about mental illness and nearly everyone missed the unmedicated "high." Some described it as a state closer to their "spirituality" or closer to a sense of spirituality. It's interesting..... write more about it? - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Two flights of stairs!! To move everything!! Ugh. Glad you & the Beau survived it. Hope you're now enjoying the new space. That little absence I had was rather unplanned. Colds in June are the pits. At least it was quick.
from zuzus-petals :
I finished the visually more complex Cicada..it's posted for a day as per usual! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
I already changed it from "eaten by" to "devoured by" - which only goes to prove that nothing is really ever finished. I'll send a copy of the image to your gmail account - it can handle big files and this one is about 2.5 MB. I'll see if I can make the change before I send it. Glad you like it! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Hey Alison.. I "think" I've finally finished "Cicada" - check it out and let me know what you think. - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
I don't think it's a globally "Californian" characteristic (to be aloof and not know one's neighbor.) I think it is a definite characteristic of California's city dwellers, however. I live in a small town in California - and I know many if not most of my neighbors. - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Heh.. time to face all those fears. No doubt.. nothing will change and everything will change - likely both things will happen in ways you haven't thought about or begun to fear! Perhaps one day he won't be able to make the rent. Perhaps one day he'll ask you to choose between here and someplace else. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Today you have your refuge, your palace, your new home and the glass truly is.. half full! - Zuzu
from dream-worlds :
Aww, thank you. :) Good luck with the move to your new house (if that's right from what I read?); I'm sure it'll all be just fine. I make such big mountains out of little molehills, it's sorta unbelievable! Anyway, I hope the move goes well & the house is everything you want, A x
from smokefree-me :
Gawd, it's that obvious, huh? Obsessing. You've mentioned that before, it just never clicked in my head that's what I was doing. My intent on leaving the literature out was to inform her I was going to al anon meetings. That's a passive/aggressive move I see now. I'm not even sure it would have gotten the response I wanted. Thanks for beating (really, thanks!!) me up and making me see I need to get my butt to more al anon meetings. Now you just need to beat it into my head that there are no valid excuses for not going. There's still so many questions. How's living in the new place going so far?? Making good use of your new found space??
from fightn4life :
I missed your two years of breathing free party. You are awesome!!! I want to thank you so much for leading the way and making this quit smoking journey so much easier to bear. Without those before us and behind us it might be so much easier to fall away and give up thinking quitting is impossible. You are a wonderful inspiration for me. Thank you Alison. I loved your entry on the beast within you...my gosh how I could relate. Scary huh... Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Heh.. I love it too. It's very "folksy" these small town parades. And I'm sort of cheating and rotating pictures while I search my soul for words to share. You move in soon, eh? Just a hop, skip and a jump from now. With the recovering wrist you might want to try your fingers at digital photography as a creative outlet! - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Your entry from 6/6 really resonated with me. I like the Good List. I liked the resoluteness you displayed in the entire entry. You've got your feet on the ground, you have a great companion, you're making progress changing your life. Keep it up. You know you're an inspiration to some folks out there in the real world. Thanks for leading the way.
from zuzus-petals :
TWO Freak'n years!?!? YOU ARE MY HERO!! Might I be the first (today) to say YOU ROCK! Way congrats, Alison. You are a constant inspiration. - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Firstly.. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY!!! How'd the interview go with the temp agency? He wins a prize. Just proof, once again (as though you couldn't tell just by looking at him) that he's not the ex. YAY BEAU! Secondly.. did you get moved out of the RV park? Everything go well? -Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
Verrry productive weekend. Give yourself a pat on the back. Then keep digging, your big goal is almost in sight.
from smokefree-me :
Good luck with your move. Wishing the Beau good luck with the job search as well. You are also no doubt correct, Al-Anon is the place for me. I will get back there, this time with some questions for them. Told my older son about having been once already. He seemed surprised but not surprised. He is also very aware of the situation. Don't worry about sounding like nagging. YOu're offering sage advice and I accept it for what it is. Thank you for sharing your opinion. It's always welcome.
from zuzus-petals :
See, I told you, he's NOT your ex (heh)! What a trooper! Have him look on craigslist.com too. I'm becoming a total craigslist.com fan - you should see my two new dressers. What field of work is he in... anyway I can help look for things and send you emails or something? In other words, what I can I to be supportive other than smile with you and be holding you in my thoughts? - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
Happy anniversary! -Zuzu
from fightn4life :
This may be an impossible task for you Alison or unwise advice for you. Still I feel compelled to tell you how I was able to move on after a divorce of 15 years to a man I loved dearly that did not give back to me a healthy love. I came to understand I would forever love him. My love for him was like no other. I grieved every move I made when I sold our home and relocated in an attempt to leave the ghosts behind. Your entries sound so familiar with my thinking back then. Once I confessed to myself, I would love him always but in no way wanted a life with him again, I started to heal. I still have moments but reality comes crashing back and I have learned one-step at a time to let go. You will heal Alison and the tears will someday end. I really wish you much peace. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
YAY for you re: the new place!!!! - Zuzu
from smokefree-me :
First, congrats on the apartment. Rather than getting all worked up about cleaning out your current abode, look at it as a catharsis. A chance to finalize a chapter of your life and close it for good. Then you can really begin fresh with your Beau, retaining only the lessons learned. Thanks for what you shared in your last note. It helps to provide me a wider perspective, which is a good thing. Have a list of things to mention to my doctor this afternoon, C's condition not being one of them. Our house will go from just the 2 of us to having 6 living here for the summer. Hoping the additional activity & company will provide distractions or inhibit poor behaviour (not bloody likely). At the very least, it'll give me some company from people that are at least sober and can carry on a conversation.
from smokefree-me :
Is this one of those times where NOT intervening will do more good than actually trying to help? It's so counter-intuitive. On the surface, I am aware that most times people have to find themselves at the bottom before they can re-group and realize just how deep a hole they're in. Problem is, it's not a victimless chain of events. I do not want to slide down that slippery slope too. What if she gets in an accident after drinking? What if she falls at home and cracks her head? What if she hurts someone else? In most cases, I share what ever penalty she has to pay. I know I'm going to have to keep attending al-anon meetings. These people (and you) have the experience I lack. I know that my obsessing over her drinking habits have done nothing to change them. The hard part is accepting that nothing I can do will ever work. Is that all there is? I am potentially liable for a lot, but have no means of reducing my exposure. Well, short of divorce and severing all ties with her. THAT would hasten her descent to where ever the bottom ism that's for sure. Not sure she'd dig out of that one though. I need to ask these questions at an al-anon meeting where there can be some 1 on 1 or many on 1 dialoque. I have so many questions and "what if's" percolating through my brain right now, I'm all boggled up. Think I'll go ruminate for a bit. Rest assured, I won't go blabbing to the doc in the immediate future. I can always play that card later. At least until I know what I'm doing, I'll lay low. Thanks for the sanity check. Brian
from smokefree-me :
Mumford!!! Such a small, small world. I went to school in Scottsville, even owned a house there from '82 - '93. Mumford itself actually hasn't changed much since '88. Caledonia & Scottsville are being dragged along, but Mumford seems to be managing to lag behind. More in the small world dept - my Dad was originally from Niagara Falls too - somewhere near Walnut Ave. I believe. House is long gone now. WNY to southern Cal - no wonder you don't want to move back!
from zuzus-petals :
Ms wonderful-words-Alison! Firstly, thanks for the missive on my notes. You're right it may actually be better if they're staying at the Inn. It will be a brief visit either way (they arriving on Sunday evening and leaving Monday afternoon.) I'm sure it will be fine too. And thanks for your thoughts and words of encouragement! As to the boss-man - fuck 'em if he can't take a joke. Or rather, just fuck 'em. You deserve to be treated better than that - hands down, no questions, straight up - you deserve to be treated better than that. Done. Whether you leave the job or whether you weather the storm and hope things improve, I'm certain you'll make the right decisions - becuase for all the rain that's come into your life over the past year there's also been pennies from heaven (just look at him! and I'm talking more than just him, too.) I've heard East Texas is beautiful, along the coast. I'm want to peruse real estate in my spare time.. there's also some places in Florida that look both beautiful and affordable - though I've been told by more than one person that Florida is incredibly politicaly conservative and how this really impacts the beauty of the experience of the state.. but you live behind the orange curtain already and seem to thrive beautifully nonetheless...so take that with a grain of salt. And there's the Chapel Hill area....
from smokefree-me :
You have the courage & strength to make the right choices and get through this. Looking for an affordable place to live? Upstate NY isn't bad. My neighbors house (center split, 4BR, 1.5 bath, about 1800 sq.ft.) just went for somewhere in the 120's. Mature neighborhood, nice mix of retirees, young couples and middle agers like me. You'd be hard pressed to find a deal like that anywhere else. As a bonus, we have a white Christmas almost every year. And a white Valentines day and sometimes a even white Easter and a white Thanksgiving!! How can you beat that!!
from zuzus-petals :
Hard as it might seem, I support your giving the cats to the SPCA or Humane Society for re-adoption. I know you love them too, but/and they would readjust to new owners and your life is in such moments of change it might be best for everyone involved. I know and trust that you know what's best for you - but I just thought I'd mention it in the event you're looking for support for various options. I'm sorry to hear about the RV - these disasters, I feel they're frustrating and liberating all at once. Thoughts are with you, Zuzu.
from zuzus-petals :
Sorry about the tax thing. I personally was despondent when Bush was elected - thinking I really couldn't manage the first four years of this religious extremist with a big gun and then the second four years.. but I thought for all the ills that will befall social programs, world peace, education, health care and human rights, I could be assured I wouldn't pay more taxes. NOT. A nation of share croppers is right. Let's start a revolution. (Oh wait, couldn't I go to jail for that - voicing my opinion under the unpatriot act?) So now you get screwed and it's illegal to complain about it too. Oh joy. - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
TODAY is the day isn't it!??! The cast off!?!? Where's the post? Where's the missive describing the incredible sense of freedom!? I'm holding me breath! - Zuzu (congrats!!!!!!!)
from smokefree-me :
Thanks for the kind advice. I really appreciate all the suggestions. I'm an engineer by training & disposition, so it's in my nature to want to "fix" things. I have no doubt this will be a challenging period to go through. Just glad there's folks like you, SandyZ & Zuzu out there sharing experience & advice. Brian
from fightn4life :
I forgot to add that I too am so honored to have walked this earth in step with you. You are a remarkable women I have always admired. I feel in no way in conflict or sorrow for how you perceive life. Your words fascinate me. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
You are so right Alison. No matter what my children cling to with passion it must be theirs and theirs alone. As I have said so many times, I believe not that my way is the highway. It is where my faith lies. I have always loved the words of the Prophet; he wrote we the parents are the stable bows that set forth the arrows, our children. Their destination is unknown and their lives their very own in choosing. My faith for me is deep but not so that I would find sadness if my children chose an alternate path. My youngest daughter has been searching for years for her nitch. I support her quest 100% no matter where the road will take her. I only feed in her delight to be excited enough to want to look. I can only plant the wild seeds of knowledge, as I do not have the answers. What grows within them will be of their choice and I dare not to fall in conflict with them. I grew up under similar confusion as you. My grandmother and aunt, (moms mom, were Christian Scientist.) There belief was only power of the mind. My mother rose this way until she attended a Catholic boarding school. My mother converted herself to the Catholic religion while my father was…hum? This was not discussed. Next to our school was a protestant church that we as kids attended one day a week for bible study. My mother has prayed for me for years as I am not catholic and will not be permitted in heaven. I am not one to say whom has it all figured out. If someone were to ask me "what religion are you?" I would hesitate. I do not know. I just believe. All I know is what lies within my heart. What beliefs or not that my children find if they are passionate about it how could I condone it. My prayers are just that they find something so meaningful and powerful in their hearts that helps them through this often cruel but wonderful life. In addition, I pray they never lose hope for themselves or their own children. Where there is life there should be hope. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
What a WONDERFUL, intense and passionate post! I totally dig it. There are some religions that don't have a problem with polygamy. I'm with you on the marriage benefits. THere really should be absolutely NO benefit/break for being married. When you think about what those "benefits" are you can start breaking down our society. There are relatively meagher tax breaks. What it says is that the system recognizes that there are "families" who may support one another in unique ways (like one person bringing in an income, another working in non-paid ways that doesn't generate and income) and the two get to sort of add their incomes together, divide by two, and pay lesser taxes combined. That's a "marriage" benefit - I agree we should take that out of the context of marriage and allow people to shape and frame households in some fair way. I think marriage was the easier way. We should be able to define family systems differently and I DO think that family systems should be acknowledged in the tax structure. Not so that that system gets "advantages" for being a system, but so that system is treated "fairly" for valuing things other than paid labor/capital. I'm all for that. Other benefits married people get are things like health insurance benefits. I'm with you to the degree that in this supposed wealthiest of all nations it's sick that people are dying without access to health care (or that people in Florida go on about removing a feeding tube while healthy, non-brain dead seniors and sick people can't get access to medical care and medicine.) Americans deserve Universal Health Care - access for all regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, ability to pay. Let's start behaving like a civilization and provide health care to our people - all of them. What other benefits do married people get? Bereavement leave, hospital visitation for spouses in intensive care, etc... all those can be dealt with via living wills and other kinds of paperwork - none require marriage or even partnership. I'm so with you on this one. As to the issue of children, however... I disagree with you. Children are our future and their education is critical to that future being enlightened, inspired, creative and beautiful. I don't have children, but I am happy to contribute to your children's education - because YOUR children are my future too (and I hope you decide to have them.. because I think you'd be such a rockin' mom!). - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
I think the effective separation of church and state was obliterated by "one nation under God" or "In God We Trust." But I like where you're going in theory - though I believe for many that their religion is not simply a belief in God and an afterlife, literally - but more a entire philosophy - a frame work for right and wrong, good and evil - a moral framework through which they evaluate things. In this regard, I don't think it would truly be possible to separate church and state - people will evaluate bills and budgets through moral lenses. They are going to get those lenses from someplace - in this planet that is typically some type of spiritual or religious framework. Just a thought... -Zuzu
from fightn4life :
I think love forms on its own. We are not able to start or stop it. Just my thoughts. I am looking forward to hearing how this all unfolds. I wish so much happiness for you. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
I don't think the countdown counter is working. Or rather, I use the Firefox browser and it doesn't show up for me. Just an FYI. -Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
You say you have to prepare for the future so that it doesn't repeat itself. I disagree profoundly. The only way to prevent mistakes from the past to repeat themselves in the future is by making different choices, acting and reacting differently TODAY. There is NOTHING wrong with your beau (heretofore referred to as "M" for magnificent of course) in face and asking him what he feels, what he wants, etc. You can take risks and tell M what you want - with regard to marriage, children, future, etc. But you deserve someone who will take risks back and tell you too. Emotional risk taking has to happen both ways. Or it doesn't. Decide what part of the past you don't want to repeat and do that part different today. My thoughts are always with you! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
And let there be light!! I love the image!! - Zuzu
from idieinside :
This may be intruding... or stalking, obviously you're the judge. Mnemic - Audio Injected Soul. Artist - Album Title. They have an older one, but most people like the newer one. I'm, of course, helplessly driven by the masses in my every whim. Actually , I like them both equally. Hurrah for my two voices of sanity -- I mean, two cents! Nice entry, btw.
from fightn4life :
Alison, what an insightful and heart felt post. Lord I can relate. Have spent my life in a coat of many colors and shoes that meander through all walks of life. I always wanted so much better for all my children. Their pain inadvertently becomes mine ten fold. At times, the world does appear to be hostile and foreboding. This is when I have to run bare foot through the woods and become one with nature. With out this metaphor I would surely go mad. Sandyz
from unsatedmind :
I was searching for fellow "Element Eighty" fans and I came across your diary. You write amazingly well (I am envious) and you are deep. I just wanted to give you that compliment and say that I hope your day is nice... Ciao!
from fightn4life :
"Devise"??? What is that word doing in my message? "Diverse"…that is what I meant. Spelling or typing too fast? Only my fingers know for sure. :) Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Alison, I am so sorry you need additional surgery on your hand. I know my hubby can relate as he has now been dependent on me for the last four months and after a visit to the Dr again needs another (at least) two more months of healing time. Last night we watched a Movie, "Saving Millie" A story about a women with Parkinson's disease. How sad when our lives are slowly taken from us and we become dependent on others for daily needs. This did help hubby not feel so depressed knowing life at any time can toss another curve ball and some how the human heart prevails. Another thing he would understand and I do from a different perspective is your battle with depression. He has been clinically depressed and on several meds for most of his life. I watched a video given to me by his Dr to help me understand how his mind/moods are. I do not or couldn't love him less because of it. I do help him at times remember to take his meds. He is hopeless without them. Most important do not feel the need to apologize for any entry you make in your diary. I love reading about thoughts of some one living a devise life from mine. It helps more to sympathize where their perspective falls. At times, it can help how I relate to their emotions. It also helps me to think of things to write about when I see the opposing side to a coin. Communication in all forms helps place another in a new pair of shoes. I love that. Sandyz
from pikachu1lt :
Alison, Like you I understand the relavance of not know what happy is. I have not for a very long time now. Perhaps we as indviduals can find happiness once again. You are starting out on a new life. Make the most of it. You are responsible only for you now. And you need to discover who you is. I know how you feel and I know the path that you are traveling. I also travel this path. And more often then not have major meltdowns. But unlike you I have no one to reach for when this happens. You will be fine and you will learn how to be happy once again. Alison I wish you peace and happiness. Leona
from fightn4life :
Oops! My thoughts are with you. Rest and heal. I rather be on horse back. :) Mountain bike? Mountain horse? Horse!!, hands down. Take care my friend..you will heal with the care your love will give you. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Alison, I read your last entry and although I found it so very true in many ways, I was saddened. Through these tears, I wish you peace. Alison, we may not see it in every day actions but there is so much good and kindness in the world. So much, we never set sight on. We read about the ones who shine bright and stand out but little silent stars that shine among us all. I see it everywhere, a flower in bloom, a birth of any of God's wonderful creatures, the whispering songs from angels that dance within the wind. Every kind word you speak to another leaves a footprint within their heart. If only it was you, I had met along this path in life I could not deny the love man is capable of giving another. I could not deny that you are truly a messenger of love. You may not believe, but it is HE that will always believe in you. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
On the subject of children... I think while you're pregnant you'll need to be off medication, but you should double check that. You probably want to start taking pregnancy vitamins before you get pregnant and talk to a OB/GYN re: things you can do now to minimize risks re: having children when over 40. I think you'll be a great mom. Why not, just on a whim, set up an appointment with your doctor and talk about the issue(s) with her/him? You don't have to make up your mind today, but why not get a medical perspective and some additional referrals in the meantime? Think of it is grist for the mill. Regardless of what you decide, you'll still make a great mom. - Zuzu
from fightn4life :
Thank you Alison for your kind words. So much truth to what you said. I hope you too have a wonderful new year...you sound so happy and blessed. You are so deserving of this wonderful twist in life. (I really enjoy reading your diary) Sandyz (I too hope peace finds a home within my heart this coming year.)
from fightn4life :
I am so happy for you. You deserve so much happiness. As this chapter in life closes a new one begins. Some day this will be but a distant memory and you will ask yourself...was that really me? Alison, you are never walking through this life alone. My prayers are always with you, Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Alison...loved your last post. I am sorry you are having so many unpleasent things going on in your life but it appears you have some positive things as well. Your writing about the waves of your life was fasinating. Your words hit home. Thanks for sharing a part of yourself. I felt not so alone today. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! It sounds like you're having a brilliant time and you deserve every moment of this celebration AND MORE! You ROCK! -Zuzu
from fightn4life :
Hi Alison, Loved your post about the Nov novel writing. I understand the feelings of wondering if at times life wouldn’t be easier if I coasted and just enjoyed the days. Not pushing myself all the time to write; sending my voice out to Lord knows where. Maybe it is something we are suppose to do. If not I am pulled into the writers world more and more everyday for no reason. I can’t believe that. So for now I’ll continue to listen to the rhythm of the keyboard and pay attention to what my heart is telling me. Or who ever might be keeping the light of life burning bright for me. Good luck in November. Even though I have a full work schedule for that month and nothing so far except a title for my novel, I plan to give it 100%. It’s not how fast I can run this race but rather or not I can stay in for the long haul. Heck I’m up to it. I love a challenge. Sandyz
from zuzus-petals :
Thinking of you today, Alison. I hope all goes smoothly in court!! - Zuzu
from zuzus-petals :
There is that middle ground that takes all the pressure of the now and the future... it comes in the form of fully refundable and changeable airline tickets! Heh. Someone once said something like, "there is no problem so great that it can't be walked away from.."
from zuzus-petals :
There are thousands of members here... don't be dismayed by a single whack group in a chat room! You are the bomb and gazillions of us know it.
from elgan :
Hi, I'm sorry you got chased out of the chatroom. That was not a nice thing. I've read your diary and figured I would introduce myself to you properly. We are very close in age, I'm 47. It's not something I advertise immediately in the chatroom to strangers, although most people find out eventually. Welcome to Diaryland.

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