DiaryLand members area

ahh, boanne, that last poem has some beutiful passages of words. Your very talented, i love it's delicate rhyming scheme. thanks for the hugs. they are always appreciated. HUGS to you and yours also. 12/09/07

from fightn4life :

UN tearsfrom PW heaven :)

from fightn4life :

I cried when I read this, and you are so right about love. My heart is with you, Sandyz

from bornearly :

Of course you can have the password, and you can pass it on to anyone in D'land. It's just the outside world that has to stay outside now! Type carpe, then diem. You're in. xo

from boxx9000 :

11-22-07 HAPPY THANKSGIVING

from nicim :

wanted you to know I'm writing again. still in a state of misery - so not much to say....but it will get better!!

from fightn4life :

I am so glad you are feeling such contentment; I too am heading in that direction. I'll feel more at ease once I find an affordable place, for now I know I am blessed to have the "loan" of this world but someday it will sell. I feel at times I need to be prepared, the way my life has been it is unsafe not to be ready for the next hurtle. Enjoy that felling of peace, and being a woman. Sandyz

from bornearly :

Thank you for that lovely post from the glow of your screen, your heart. I'm savoring all those projects with you, the anticipation and the visions! xo, Adrienne

from swimmmer72 :

Good for you!!! YAY for positivity and being happy about yourself!! :)

from zuzus-petals :

That was so lovely to read! - Zuzu

from chaosdaily :

happiness is worth a lot more than money...

from fightn4life :

I too love reading about those that have so little, I eel humble as well with even my meager belongings. I feel fortunate, blessed; I have so little but so much, an odd paradoxical. Sandyz

from boxx9000 :

I've read the Van Gogh letters. Van Gogh is my favorite artist.

from fightn4life :

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of recovering from surgery, take your time and don't rush things. {{HUDS}} Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

Sorry to hear that surgery is still healing and holding you back, but happy to hear that you are putting the time to good use! Thanks for the update! :)

from fightn4life :

My thoughts are with you during this time of recovery. I hope you are felling better each day. I am such a ditz not to have read about your surgery before now. Sorry, my prayers are with you my friend, Sandyz

from batten :

Sending you all sorts of healing wishes, prayers and thoughts... Gentle hug to you. -J

from madrigle :

gosh i'm sorry to hear about mawmaw! huge hugs. mmm . . . mountain trails hold a special energy to share with us!!!

from zuzus-petals :

Early '08! - Zu

from swimmmer72 :

FUCK, YES!!! fix that hernia and get back on those mountain trails!!! Good luck with the surgery! :)

from batten :

I'm thinking, hoping, praying strong, healng and good thoughts for you, darlin' woman. Hang in there. You'll be golden...-J

from zuzus-petals :

Firstly, thanks for the well-wishing! Everyone here is very excited about the arrival of Zoe! Secondly, best of luck with the hernia operation. I can't imagine not hiking my mountain for years. My life would be so sad. When I miss it for a day I get moody and melancholy and whiney. I can hardly wait until you tell tales of your adventures on the mountain! - Zu

from chaosdaily :

just dont fly away!

from batten :

email me at jenn_hinesATyahoo.com. Happy to give you password and login too... you've been missed. Big hug. -J

from swimmmer72 :

you have certainly had a rough time these past couple years. God give you strength to persevere. I hope you and Fawn are well.

from madrigle :

it's so great to see you back! thanks for the warm wishes. HUGS.

from fightn4life :

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it sounds futile but believe me my heart is with you. Seems like there is so much loss to deal with lately, yours sounds so much more painful because it was out of your control. My world has gone to�well�going. User name tearsfrom password heaven. Big surprise huh? I am glad to have you back, my Gold membership will be ending in a few months, doubt I'll be able to renew it�blast it. I lost my job because of my back problems, I refused disability because I can and will work again. They oked unemployment. How nice after all those years of caring, long hours and dedication. I think I'll check out the over 50's site you mentioned. Again I am so sorry for you double loss, many {{{HUGS}}} Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

welcome back! sorry about the sad news that took you away, but im glad you could come back again...

from batten :

Are you okay? You haven't written in forever...

from notme2000 :

Hey, if you still read my diary the username is "reader" and password is just "password".

from h2ophobic :

I just wanted to stop by and say hi!

from fightn4life :

My heart is with you and your little one, seems once the tears come they bring back the painful past, our way I suppose of cleansing the soul. I am glad your little Fawn is feeling better. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I am so happy you are doing commissions, and feeling better. Years ago, painting was my healer, now with limited space I write. A day will come that the oils and canvas will again be part of my life. But today I am thrilled for you. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

The power of prayer is amazing; I am thrilled you are on the mend. We have not had our coffee date yet. Please take care, Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

glad you found the problem!

from h2ophobic :

I've tried to leave you a note the past two days, but couldn't get it to "take." I'm going to try again. I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.

from boxx9000 :

two words.....SECOND OPINION!..... yikes! My daughter does NOT have any medical insurance either and she is seen thru the county hospital. Last year she had cancer and I suspect the same as you.....without insurance you are put on IGNORE. You have to be assertive. It's your life. or not.

from f-i-n :

I hope you sleep better at night. listening to music helps

from boxx9000 :

UPDATE please. Inquiring minds NEED to know how all is going with you. (((hugs)))

from fightn4life :

Lord, I am so sorry you are going through all this. I had an anxiety attack myself today, I thought it was a heart attack, good thing I was already at the hospital having all the pre op tests and having an EKG�I told them I was having mild chest pains. She said they would know if the tests were abnormal. My very smart husband took the phone off the hook when I laid down for a nap so it wouldn't wake me up. Sigh�at least he thought about me. I hope your tests all come back good�I hope mine do as well, I want this surgery out of the way, and my life to move forward. (Growing older isn't for sissies is it?) :) Sandyz

from h2ophobic :

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.

from smashthegas :

My love and hugs to you and peace to little Yoshi \m/ :-) xxxxx

from sunpowered :

I just send you my love.

from fightn4life :

My heart is with you I am so sorry. When you are feeling up to it go to my page, and on the left hand side hit the link to "Rainbow Bridge," add your little pups name with loving words of memories. All animals go to heaven and you will reunite again someday. I hoe you are feeling better. Much love, many {{{hugs.}}} Sandyz

from h2ophobic :

Sweet Boann, I'm so sorry about Yoshi. I've been thinking about you. I hope you're feeling better very soon.

from swimmmer72 :

i'm very sorry for your loss. you've had too many of them, but now, yoshi is at peace.

from chaosdaily :

*hugs* yoshi is at peace now...

from boxx9000 :

so sorry. (((hugs)))

from f-i-n :

hope you're feeling better

from h2ophobic :

I'm just checking up on you. I hope you're doing well. I miss you!

from fightn4life :

Interesting information about crows, I have been more intrigued by them lately. Yesterday I made a bag of popcorn and tossed it out for them. My cats and I watched them from the window. I love their call, and have seemed to be fascinated by their once skittishness towards us. Now I can put food out for them and they come back in just a few moments. They know I mean them no harm, ever. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

Maybe it's just a broken heart. My thoughts are with you. - Zu

from fightn4life :

Stress is monster killer, please take care of your self. I loved your poem and knew through your words you were hurting deep inside. I am glad this time it was stress not a heart attack, heed the bodies warning. Please. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Oh my God what a heart reaching poem written with such passion. I understand your grief Lord knows I understand. My heart s with you tonight and always now where is that blasted coffee when we need it. I too wish we were neighbors. Sandyz.

from h2ophobic :

I've been sitting here trying to think of something comforting to say to you. I'm so sorry. God bless.

from fightn4life :

Meaning of life�a play ground for those who stumble when learning to walk, a comedy show, a wild ride for the weak at heart. A cool drink on a hot summer day, flutter by kisses when the world feels empty as angels momentary fills the void. Faith that withstands loss, times given to those you love with friends and those whom you have never met. Warm feet on cold nights, a late night call to some one filled with fear. Tears for unknown reasons, dreams kept alive through perseverance. A never-ending cycle; the will to take one more step when our burden becomes too heavy, sharing painful experiences with those that need a connection, an understanding heart with unconditional love. Arms not afraid to hug, Knowing we are not alone in the darkest of times, finding humor in every flaw. The meaning of life is everything we learn about ourselves and others, experiences, uncharted paths we dare take to find answers knowing we might not understand the question. Life�s meaning is everything beautiful and ugly our personal life�s meaning is what we capture along the way. (My thoughts only) Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

life is being loved.

from boxx9000 :

♥ HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ♥

from h2ophobic :

I SO agree with your Grammy entry! Although I have to admit...I do like Mary J Blige. The rest of the show...YAWN! We only watched maybe an hour, then it was remote clicking time.

from h2ophobic :

2/10/07 - This entry was so honest...and hopeful. Knowing that you've found this place, makes me hopeful that someday I can find it too. God bless!

from spazs :

Oh, don�t worry, I do desperatly need you. You know how that girl, uhm, the daughter of the chinese king...or something, she kileld herself, recently, since her parents told her to leave Paris where she studied and live in closed off China. (Or what country it really was. Something iron curtain-y or something narrowminded and stuff.) That girl killed herself, It was recently in the news. Have you seen it? Anyway, I need you like this girl needed Paris and the freedom, yeah, I need you like on needs freedom, you know. I do need you. Maybe you understood me wrong, or you mean "need" in another sense, or you mean I should need different things, you know, that you are used to being needed in another way. Or you got me wrong! I do need you. Maybe just not in the same way you expect or you are used to. But I really need you intensly. Please, why else would I fuzz so much? I DO fuzz.

from chaosdaily :

i hear you about teendom... so glad i am past most of it!

from zuzus-petals :

Thanks!

from chaosdaily :

feel better soon... but no coffee??!?!! bummer!

from fightn4life :

Sorry you have the winter blues (white) and a stomach bug. I too have been sick, mine a nasty cough that lingers on. Hang in there and think green; spring is awakening beneath the snowy ground if only in our heart. Think sunshine. Sandyz

from f-i-n :

feel better soon...wish i could see the snow

from fightn4life :

Bad-bad for cussing so much. ;) Your dream made me shutter, ugh snakes. Thnaks for stopping by my world, I think things will get better, I dan't give a fuck any more. :) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Oh my...I needed to read that today. Thank you so much for sharing, and thank God for angels and the little ones that see them. :) Sandyz

from candoor :

yay for being safe :)

from sunpowered :

:-) So much love to you and Fawn, and your angel who said, "Not yet. Not just yet." :-)

from boxx9000 :

OMG. I am so relieved that you are ok. I have had several driving experiences where there was just NO way I should have walked away without a scratch, but I did. Angels?

from fightn4life :

Good book, a warm blanket, cool moccasins, and a snowy day, sigh, sounds like my world, except we are in the midst of an ice storm. Oh I have the three cats hugging close by. You sound so very content. Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

that's a nice dream you have for your future. i hope it comes to pass. :)

from swimmmer72 :

"dropped off the face of the earth..." yep, especially this time of year! welcome home, you were missed! happy 2007! :)

from sunpowered :

Sorry about that. See, I mentioned that Michael and I were getting married in a few months, and I didn't want my friend Rick to find out from an online forum, rather than from me. I didn't want him to find out from 'someone else', as it were, as he's surfing diaryland. It didn't seem right to not tell someone you're that close to. Especially since I always told him I didn't want to get married again... And I had been so attracted to him last summer and wanted to fly to see him and all that turmoil. I guess that happens in relationships - at some point one of you is going to face some variation of temptation. It's just that I have been there twice before and the hell aftermath that follows is NEVER worth the fleeting joy. And believe me, it was fleeting. 20% joy, 80% total black longing missing crazy confused heartache. Not good enough for me. Ha, how'd I get on THAT subject! Haha! Anyway, I'll unlock it as soon as I hear back from him. It's been a couple days now and either he's out of town (which is likely) or he's working through some internal stuff. ***Happy New Year!!! Here's to Joy, Excitement, Pure True Creativity, and FUN!!!! I wish you all this with love!!!! Happy 2007!!!***

from zuzus-petals :

Happy new year! Many happy returns! - Zuzu

from f-i-n :

merry xmas!

from spazs :

If Mary Poppins does show up, don�t tell her where I live though! (Then she might wanna clean, and get into a cleaning fit!)

from h2ophobic :

I'm going to be in Oklahoma City from the 21st through the 28th. If you're going to be in that area of OK, let me know. Maybe we can meet for hug and a cup of coffee!

from zuzus-petals :

Someone once said, "it's a fearful thing to love what death can touch." Ain't that the shit. It's such a rare and wonderful, painful and difficult experience to be there through the entire arc of a life. You've given him such a great gift, and he you too. I can't imagine the day I have to let go of Secret's soft ears. I can only touch the thought with little bits of myself before I have to back away. But one thing is clear, whether it happens today or ten years from now, nobody loved her better and she is perfect. To have the opportunity to love that like - it's a form of meditation we take for granted I think. My thoughts are with you! - Zu

from smashthegas :

I know Im just a dumb rockerdude, but even I know that words can't come up with anything to make you feel better. Just try to take some small comfort from the fact his suffering will soon draw to a close. You're a strong person, and he is a strong animal, too. You both deserve much love. Smash*hugz*xxx

from swimmmer72 :

i'm so sorry.

from f-i-n :

Animals have a way of knowing things. My favorite kitty died in my arms a few years ago (she was very ancient!) and even as I cried, I was happy because we were together to the end. ((hugs)) for you.

from futureceo :

I totally relate to what you are going through and my heart breaks for you and Yoshi. I had to put my cat to sleep last week (12/6) and I missed him even as I was with him at the end. Hopefully you can think of the wonderful things he shared with you and know that this is only "until next time"... {{{hugs}}}

from fightn4life :

Oh my, please know I am with you too today in thought. {{{hugs}}} I cannot say how sorry I am, some words feel distant from emotions. Later when you are able to stop shaking, please go to my page (right hand side) under the link, "For all Gods Creatures"...hit the link, "Candlelight tributes." This will take you to Rainbow Bridge. Add your little ones name in memory and find comfort knowing all animals go to heaven. I feel certain if you do this your heart will feel a bit lighter, and your tears will fall from knowing how long you had your pup in this life and the joy he brought, not on your loss. Take care my friend; you are not alone in sorrow. Sandyz

from h2ophobic :

Poor Yoshi...I'll be praying for your family today.

from sunpowered :

I know Snoopy's!!!!!!! :-) And, you know what? I drove on the beach too. Sista.

from spazs :

No, *I* want you!

from fightn4life :

What a beautiful poem, it speaks to my heart and I love you little Christmas tree. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I too am catching up on some diaries. Been feeling so poor I was able to read a few a day. I pray all goes well with your mom, glad you are home safe, and my thoughts are with your little pup. I pray this trip was easy on both of you. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

thanks for your note. we all knew dad was dying, and it was much easier. mom died unexpectedly, and it is really hard to adjust to her being gone.

from chaosdaily :

my cell phone has a feature where i can leave myself verbal messages.....

from swimmmer72 :

thank god for good news! i'm crossing my fingers for yoshi! :)

from fightn4life :

Quite time is good for our souls, i loved this entry. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. Sandyz

from sunpowered :

Thank you for (unknowingly) quieting me down. Something about your entries reminded me to just sit still, breathe, and be quiet. And for reminding me to once again talk to angels. I guess all this time I've been expecting peace to come land on me and give me sweet respite. When maybe what I need to try instead, is to MAKE peace for myself. To shut out the world somehow, for just a few blessed minutes. Just for a little peace. Just for a little bit. I'm gonna go talk to the angels now. I hope you do too. <3 Forest shadow woman. ;-)

from sunpowered :

Love! :-i

from f-i-n :

happy turkey day

from h2ophobic :

I'm just checking in on you. I hope things are going well. Your friend, Carolyn.

from swimmmer72 :

i know you do. that thought was ever present during my time there. i'm still glad it didn't rain, though. :)

from hissandtell :

I am so, so sorry about your Yoshi, darling. My heart goes out to you both. Love, R xxx

from h2ophobic :

Bless you and your sweet Yoshi. I'm sending you a hug and wish I was there to give it in person.

from swimmmer72 :

if there is a "bad" thing about pets, it's that they have such a relatively short life span, and we outlive several during the course of our lives. i'm sad to hear about yoshi. it is a hard situation to be in, and i too hope he rebounds.

from fightn4life :

I'm a bit like that too, a private person. I came back with little feet tattooed on my foot and told no one at work or in my small friend circle (who would believe a grandma would get a tattoo any way, one like me that never believed in being "branded").�I know it's there and I smile. My nails too are painted clear, my expression is open in my diary here at home I live a very private life, even from the eyes of family that live close by. I had a good time cleaning today, good therapy. Wish I had more time at home less at work. I wish we lived closer�I could use a good friend with much in common. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

funny, i cleaned today too..

from chaosdaily :

no worth? honey you are worth a lot to me!

from fightn4life :

Processing is hard�but good. (So "they" say) I believe it is the holidays approaching; my depression has only worsened with my mind flying all through the past. Hang in there, I am continuing to try to get myself motivated to do exercises each day and find quiet e time. So far, I have failed miserably. This morning I was so lost in down thoughts I pulled the covers over my head day dreaming about being invisible. I do keep you in my prayers, and my thoughts are with you. Take care my cyber friend, Sandyz

from spazs :

Well, I�d have to talk, but you could be quiet!

from smashthegas :

Hello darling, been a while since I said hey, I'm sorry. I've been reading though I promise, through the ups and downs of life. I really hope you are good. Well, a little bit of bad is good too *wink* Smashxxx

from batten :

I like the 2nd one. (grin) Big hug. -me

from zuzus-petals :

I didn't say it was pretentious... just full of five dollar words (someone used to call them "twenty-five cent" words... but since inflation.. and you notice there is no longer "cent" keys on our keyboards - I figure they're up to five dollars now.) - Zu

from zuzus-petals :

Well that there is full of five dollar words and I don't rightly have a dictionary handy! - Zu

from sunpowered :

Found it - it's the very first shot of trees. The one right under the eave of the roof, with the yellow leaves. I guess it's the Maple you're talking about. Maples... Wow. They don't grow here. It's amazing how things acclimate to their homeland. Whether it's trees, or birds, or butterflies. We have had several weeks of butterflies migrating through. Depressing for me as I am horrified each time my car hits one. I have a guilt complex that really needs some exorcising! Big wicker baskets o' love to ya. And your loved ones. :0)

from batten :

Fawn looked beautiful and so happy. I am sorry about Yoshi. I wonder sometimes if losing our furry companions doesn't hurt worse than losing a human because of their undivided love and devotion... Big hug to you, woman.

from swimmmer72 :

that's a nice pic of fawn. it sounds like you had a nice time! i'm sorry about yoshi. i went through that with my last cat - joni - and i know how heartbreaking it can be. if he isn't in pain, enjoy the time you have left. i'd take joni to the vet every 10 days or so to get manually "emptied" before she finally passed, and i treasured every single moment. yep, not "just" a pet.

from madrigle :

Thanks! It is a really fun costume. Oh the things you can find at a belly dancing shop.

from batten :

It's okay being alone, y'know. It stinks when you've had the real thing and the loss of it haunts you. But being alone is different from loneliness. Loneliness can be filled with friends, family and furrys. Also a cup of hot chocolate. Life can't be desolate with flannies, fuzzy slippers, a good book and a cup of hot chocolate. Sending you a hug and a cyber-hand-holding to tide you over. -J

from swimmmer72 :

thanks for the info! i figured you would probably know. :)

from sunpowered :

I love the snow pictures! Thank you for putting them up. And is that a Sycamore I see back there? Lucky You!

from swimmmer72 :

it's ironic how snow is so beautiful early in the season, especially the first snow, but how quickly that beauty dissipates by, ...oh,... mid-January. enjoy! :)

from sunpowered :

Ahhhh, a room of one's own. I'm so glad you have one! I wish you many hours of fun FUN FUN! in there. And release. And bliss. And to never have to have a litter box in the corner of it. ;-) Bunch o' love from Texas, -Melissa

from xinpheldspbx :

Thanks again. I look forward to seeing it.

from madrigle :

OH MY LORD! the studio is FANTABULOUS! I'd kill for bare concrete floors in the studio. HUGS. 10/22/06

from xinpheldspbx :

Thank you! I'd be honored if you'd draw/paint something - you know, as long I can get a copy. Let me know what you'd like to do.

from bornearly :

Our thoughts are passing in the ether. I don't know how so much time has gone by, except that with the advent of this Celebrancy class, I seem to be inconceivably busy! But the last week or so I've remembered, with alarm, that I've been away from D'land for a very long time. I'll post soon. Thank you for checking in, dear one.

from boxx9000 :

I'm registered GREEN Party. I won't vote Republican OR Democrat.

from vibinghigh :

Thank you so much for the nice comment you left, and for adding me as a favorite! :-)

from boxx9000 :

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed individuals can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." �Margaret Mead

from f-i-n :

beautiful poetry! I am trying to read Rumi for the first time.

from sunpowered :

I have come to learn not to write an entry and then read your diary. Because there is an inevitable bubbling up of some new emotion when I read your diary, that must turn into an all new entry of my own. So I have adjusted. I read you first and then with my head full of what you've inspired, and full of what was already there originally, I can then move forward. And create. Thank you for those big little flashes of newness and clarity. You remind me of shadows. And water. You can't control either. Much love to you, -Melissa

from boxx9000 :

How long have you had migraines? How long do they last? Do you know what triggers them? (((hugs))) I don't get them very often any more, but I pitty anyone who does.

from sunpowered :

I know what you mean about needing to really let the whole heartache all out. I'm glad you could. I'm glad you did.

from fightn4life :

Weird as it sounds I to have been fighting depression over the last week. Today my thoughts were darker than I can remember for some time. My prayers and thoughts are with you, I wish you much peace of mind. With love, Sandyz

from boann7 :

moved the gardener poem to the poetry page. that zuzu's notes are about.

from zuzus-petals :

Ah... that's so sweet! PERFECT! - Zu

from zuzus-petals :

I LOVED this up through 'seasons they did pass' - I think it gives the gardener too much credit for nature, which will bloom, blossom and thrive harmoniously long after the gardner's seasons have ended. Sortof the whole figurative and literal aspect of the whole thing - if the flower is in the right soil, in the right climate - indigenous and natural - right with the world - mostly the gardner need merely clip its wings to keep it confined to the garden (I'm all about native gardens - finding the things that are right with the soil.) My native plants rarely need or desire water, if I fertilize them, it'll actually kill 'em (they like the native soil just as it is) - they bloom relentlessly when left to flourish and where I have natives I have few to no weeds to pull - seems they even overtake the bad stuff. If I just let the blossoms die and fall, they'll drop seeds and if I leave them alone and don't mess with 'em, those seeds will sprout new growth. I think if the flower takes that much tendering to thrive only under the gardener's care, the gardner may not be picking the right flower for the environment, creating codependence.... okay.. enough of me! - Zu

from chaosdaily :

lessons are worthless without the practise to support them.

from fightn4life :

Beautiful words, such longing for another soul. My prayers are someday your hands connect, as I read once�"If only all the hands reach could touch." I love that saying. I think of the Michael Angelo's painting when I think of that saying�now your words echo those in need of a simple connection under the harvest moon. Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

i'm looking forward to the pictures, too. this really is a picture-driven trip in a lot of ways, even with the hikes and the colors and all the other good stuff that comes with a road trip. i just want to capture all the essence i can of all the places i'll be. i'll just have to remind myself to be patient and let the picture come to me. like words, kind of. anyway, thanks for the note and the nice wishes. :)

from spazs :

"Not allowed to share..."?

from zuzus-petals :

This entry makes me want to start listening to the radio at night again! - Zu

from swimmmer72 :

a beautiful entry. so, so much emotion woven within its words. thank you. :)

from fightn4life :

"Early Morning" You look wonderful...awesome eyes. Sandyz

from sunpowered :

Thank you, Sister. I hope when that times comes, I am lucky enough to have even half your grace. Big appreciation to you for being who you are. Big, big, wicker baskets of appreciation.

from zuzus-petals :

See there we have the fundamental difference between you and I (there's just one.. heh) - I think it' better to judge OTHERS before I judge myself, but firstly 1) I know I could never live up to my standards and 2) it's easier to accept that when I first see others failing them miserably (heh) so I don't need to feel so alone in my inadequacy. But then, I like accepting that I'm a failure before I start anything, because then I no longer need to fear failure and I can just have fun (and when or if I succeed, it's all the more surprising!) Just turn the mirror a little to the left and the world looks really different! - Zu

from fightn4life :

I don't believe we fail at anything we learn from. Your journey here was not to be mirrored from your families, your journey your own. I feel you are much too hard on yourself we came along during a rebellious time of change, I harbor no regrets my birth moment in time enabled me to walk with the movement triggered from our generation. Everything changes and you are a beautiful person because of the steps you took along the way. Sandyz

from sunpowered :

I love your matter-of-fact bravery! I read today's entry (10-02-06) and your fearlessness makes me want to confess every single shhhh hush-hush thing I've ever done in my life! Just for the sheer exhilaration of it. I'm working on remembering to be my True self this month, and your entry makes me want to stand fully in who I am, with no apologies and no explanations. No shame, no shame. We Women are taught shame. We lived it. It's time we drop it like the lead suitcase it is. No more stuffing down, no more hiding, no more believing there are parts of our histories that are dirty. We are alive and we love. That purifies us. We purify ourselves. We need no one's forgiveness but our own. We are born pure, and that's who we are. That's all. Much love to you, and all your wonderings and reflections. :-)

from swimmmer72 :

i think you are being too hard on yourself. you have shown commitment to your family and your daughter. otherwise, you've had to endure some tough breaks that had little to do with you and much more to do with the other. besides, comparing our generation with that of your grandparents isn't being fair to yourself either. you are doing the best you can with the hand that you've been dealt. AND, you are doing a marvelous job with your daughter. give yourself credit where credit is due, ok? :)

from spazs :

I mean, I think it�s adorable!

from spazs :

Aw. But I think you are just a person who�s sexual interest is sparked quickly. That doesn�t mean you have less class. I mean, that means at least that you have lived to the fullest!! Doesn�t it? That�s a good thing, too, and a spiritual thing, too.

from sunpowered :

You make me cry!!! It's amazing. Whoo. Okay. Now that I've composed myself - - You go, Goddess! Have a great Friday. Much love, -Melissa

from sunpowered :

I've been wanting to do a cross stitch matrilineal sampler ever since I read a passage in 'Dance of the Dissident Daughter' by Sue Monk Kidd. I've never gotten to introduce myself in this way, until now, I'll introduce myself as far as I can. Hi, Mother of Fawn. I am Melissa, Daughter of Evelyn, who is Daughter of Bertha, who is Daughter of Anna. It is an honor to meet you. :-)

from swimmmer72 :

your sand castle LIVES!!! never let go of your dreams and your hopes! :)

from swimmmer72 :

i think its from the same park as another picture you liked, taken on the same day - ricketts glen state park, about 45 miles west of scranton in northeastern PA. i learned to appreciate damp and misty that day. thanks for the nice comment, as always. :)

from madrigle :

I firmly believe there is not enough ritual in our modern lives. This experience sounds amazing. Thanks for sharing it with us. HUGS!

from sunpowered :

Ha, more good tears from you again tonight. I was feeling a little blank. Thank you for reminding me mitakuye oyas'in. You're my reminder, it seems, tonight. Smiles from me to you. Good night.

from h2ophobic :

9/19/06 - That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

from sunpowered :

I send you so much love and gratitude. Thank you for being who you are. For doing ceremony and living in the light. You are a lifechanger. A life giver. Not just back then, but now. Tonight. And forever. You came to change and heal, and you did not fail, not at any step of the way. Tonight's ceremony proves that. I hope you are smiling right now, whatever you're doing, because you've just healed anything that could ever go wrong before it had a chance to go wrong. I wept as I read your entry, and smile as I remember it. You are also healing backward through time, did you know that already? That the work you do heals our Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunts, and Sisters that were here before us? Thank you. With all my gratitude, and with no obligation to write me back on this. Just love and excitement over to you from across the miles. I just know all your Relations are proud.

from swimmmer72 :

i really like how you are celebrating your daughter's entrance into womanhood. not only is it a beautiful ritual, but it also passes on some important values for her to cherish and pass on to her own daughter (hopefully several years from now!!). very well done! :)

from sunpowered :

I love reading your diary. I like to imagine a little cottage on the edge of woods. I hope notes like this don't make you too self-aware and decide to change your writing style. I love it and hope that none of us reading it makes you edit yourself. That happens with me a lot. If someone mentions a thing I wrote, the next day, I find myself feeling the compulsion to write differently. Hopefully you're immune to that tricky urge. I'm going to make myself a cup of Sleepytime, and hit the hay. Sending you lots of admiration. You're awesome and inspiring. Have a beautiful night.

from rabbitwister :

I love the camping meadow photo. Where does the trail lead?

from zuzus-petals :

It's kinda like that thing in As Good As It Gets, but maybe different. Becuase feeling like you "want" to be a better person and actually feeling like you "are" a better person is different, I think. One is maybe an unmet potential, the other is like the arrow in feeling the bowstring's tension, and in letting go becomes more than itself. If that makes any sense.. whatsoever.... - Zu

from fightn4life :

I loved this entry�Good Lord could I relate. You are such a graphic writer, so much emotion I your posts. Thanks for sharing these feelings. Sandyz

from f-i-n :

i hope that you post a picture of that watercolor sunset

from le-fart :

I guess that now you just have a new dream. A new object to strife for. To reach for. I mean inside your heart. Say people COLORED you evil, or bad. This causes you to wish for adjustment, for balancing, for loss. Now you have better control over those people�s opinions! (Over that thing that lets them swing a certain way. That triggers their impression.) Now you can influence those people more. It both isn�t reality, it�s both times a figment of imagination, like:your image. Maybe before you had this image of being a loner. For example. And that has led you to think that there must be a reason for why you should be a loner, meaning: you have to be bad inside, or must make up for sins. It�s as if now the season has changed. Not you, but something around you.

from swimmmer72 :

i'm happy for that really strong woman. :)

from h2ophobic :

Thank you for sharing...bless you and your family.

from nicim :

9/12 ah, dear girl. yes. when you hold it in your hands and there is nothing there but a faint smile on your face for what was. no more what could have been. bless you. XXOO N

from fightn4life :

I have the record "Imagine" a small 45 with the Apple label on it, it's framed and hanging on our wall. I agree it was hard today to watch anything about 911�every year before I wrote some thing in remembrance. Today, I could only post a visual. I too recall the moment, where I was and the days/weeks in aftermath. Life as we once knew it forever changed. My heart remains with those that lost loved ones as the world watched in horror. I refuse to live each day in fear, faith for me is the way I cope with our yesterdays and still hold the candle of hope for tomorrows. "Imagine�" Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

imagine...

from batten :

Thanks, woman. Today's a really hard day. Your note made it a little more bearable. Big hug. -me

from fightn4life :

I love your entry to the lion...how awesome a visual, so much deep rooted thought within your writing. I have pondered the meaning for some time. loved it! Sandyz

from boann7 :

i guess party isn't really the right choice of words.. its more of a coming of age ceremony. and i left it to her if it was just she and i or if she invited friends. so two of her friends and their mothers are coming. so no its not a big party and its really her choice. i would never force something like that on her.

from boxx9000 :

I would have died from embarassment had my mother had a party for my first period. YIKES! I was 14 and a Freshman in High School. I don't think it is a bad idea. A Period Party? I know you are serious, but I am giggling at the thought. I'm thinking of theme ideas.

from spazs :

Aw, I liked it! I mean, the beginning and middle part obviously, but I mean the ending! "A drink from me", that was funny!!!!! I drink you.

from zuzus-petals :

This was/is such a beautiful entry. You're beautiful! - Zu

from spazs :

Hm, but maybe your experiences are valueable, too. Maybe you should pass them on! I mean there�s gotta be nice men, too, right???

from sunpowered :

You can fight your feelings, but they'll win anyway. So why waste your energy pretending that this isn't the most horrible thing in the world. It is. I lost a loving little girl named Zoey, and six years later nothing makes it any better. Just love him. Who cares if you can't speak or feel better. Love the hell out of him, and feel it. Feel all of it. The hell and everything. It's that big. No point diminishing it. You can't. Much love to you. Just lots of love and care from Zoey's mama to Yoshi's mama.

from fightn4life :

My heart is with you�our animal friends are family to us. I have shed many a tear for a fury critter that leaves before us, there is a special place in heaven they go until a day comes we are reunited. I will keep you in my prayers. Sandyz

from batten :

Sometimes our furry critters are the best people we know. No one else loves you as unconditionally. It's not silly to cry. I'm very sorry about Yoshi. I hope the meds work and that you get to have a little more good time with him. Big hug. -J

from h2ophobic :

You're not silly to cry for your dog! Pets are our babies...unconditional love and all that good snuggling. I'm sorry for the little guy and the family who loves him so much.

from swimmmer72 :

i cried when all my pets died, too. i wish they lived longer. my two malamutes and 3 cats. the cats are all buried on what used to be my land. no, they aren't human, and maybe that works in their favor. my thoughts are with you.

from chaosdaily :

oh our pets are family too, even if they are animals. maybe thats what they mean by "extended family" im sorry poor yoshi is feeling so poorly...

from swimmmer72 :

yes, i did. it was a good question and i'm waiting until i have time to write you back with some good answers. it's something i've thought about a lot. so, yes, i'll be getting back to you in the next couple days. :)

from swimmmer72 :

yep, that's exactly the way i feel, too. i've written 3, 4, maybe 5 castaway entries. some in terms of nicole, but others concerning the general emotions involved. i really identify with the tom hanks character at that intersection, trying to figure out what to do next. :)

from h2ophobic :

8/17/06 - what a great entry. So thought provoking and true. Many years ago (in between marriage #1 and meeting husband #2) I chose to be celibate. I wanted a loving relationship, not just sex...and all that was available to me at that time was just sex. Good luck on your journey.

from swimmmer72 :

thank YOU! mother nature makes the picture, all i do is aim and push a button. painting takes a lot more patience and talent. and thank you for your comments and notes. it makes me feel good to know someone likes my pictures! :)

from boxx9000 :

All misery is caused by want.

from swimmmer72 :

yes, i am talking about what you think i'm talking about. and yes, i'm content to wait until the right one comes along. at this point in time, i have no need to go for variety, unless it's with just one good woman, and i'll wait as long as i have to. BTW, the first year or two was the hardest, no pun intended. :)

from madrigle :

oooooooooo middle school! I hope she loves it! It can be so hard, and so very rewarding all at the same time. HUGS to you.

from swimmmer72 :

i understand the feeling. as much as we would like to hold the pain at arm's length, as much as there are always the downsides of relationships, the irritations, the sacrifices; at the end of the day, there will still always be the things we miss, and you pretty much hit the nail on the head. there's nothing like a loving body laying next to you to make it feel like it's all worthwhile. :)

from wildrosie :

Hi Sweetie, saw your note over at Nici's and I just wanted to tell you about the Freestyle glucometer. It takes the blood from your arm, and the pain difference is like night and day! Check into it, we stick and prick ourselves enough as it is, better to have something that doesn't hurt as much.

from chaosdaily :

i had a dream like that too, only it was about a house i lived in. it wasnt until years later when man and i went to look at a house, i walked in and saw the house that i dreamed about. i would have bought that house no matter what the price...

from boxx9000 :

Hello! I'm baaaaack! I've set up an eisel (at my new place) on my balcony for painting. (VIVA ART) I hope all is well with you? LOVE, Boxx

from madrigle :

*giggle* I'm so glad we know each other. I've never gotten a grasp on watercolor. your description is magical.

from batten :

You have a great talent for painting, and for residing quietly within the moments. For what it's worth, I think you're doing wonderfully well and it's lovely to read your journal every day. Big hug. -J

from swimmmer72 :

very nice! you have a lot of talent. i'd like to try painting someday, and while i'm not sure i'm any good at it, it would be fun to try it and see what i came up with. thanks for sharing! :)

from fightn4life :

How gifted you are, love your stair steps to heaven...Welcome home, I feel it. Wish we lived closer, I paint too, in oils. I would love to learn to paint in water color. I have a few I tried, not so good. Oil is my medium. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Ekes, if I was living alone and had a gas line break/leak I'd call some repair specialist. When my hubby turned our gas on I said "wait!" I went out in the field and said "ok now." Heck someone had to be around to call the first responders. Please get some one that's expertise is in the gas world. I want you around Diary Land. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

not hard, but if youve never done it before, you might want to reconsider.. its a dangerous thing if not done right.

from swimmmer72 :

it isn't that hard, but i wouldn't recommend messing with a natural gas line unless you knew what you were doing. you might be able to find someone who does know, and they can show you. the hose carrying air outside isn't dangerous. it's just there to expel the hot, lint filled air outside rather than inside your house. good thing you caught the gas leak when you did - that's very dangerous. hope you're feeling better! :)

from chaosdaily :

maybe thats the difference.. faith endures while trust doesnt always...

from swimmmer72 :

the picture you commented on-hemlock in the rain-is from the same state park (ricketts glen state park) in eastern PA as another pic you noted me about. the bridge over the creek in the mist. it's about 300 miles away and i've only been there once. it poured the whole time, but somehow, it seemed to make it a nicer place. and no, my mind wasn't in the gutter, BUT, i WAS wondering where you were going with that..... ;)

from fightn4life :

My mind never hit the gutter, LOL I often dream of horses as they are the most magnificent animals around. Wanting to share them with another is awesome. Something more wonderful than a ride through the sands with wind in your hair, the sounds of the beating hoofs, smells of water and horse, and the soft caress of the flowing mane would be to share this experience with another. I feel so blessed I had the opportunity to experience a life with horses, my love for them only intensified. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I cried when I read this entry, every thing you wrote is how I feel. With every loss comes the wave of past loses and like you said all waiting to be fed until there is nothing left but us alone naked to face the world. Aloneness, running, writing, finding that place between the sheets and tears all help the slow process of healing. Not completed in a day, week, but a life time of ups and downs. The grieving process has no time limit, no mercy, we each must fight the tide when it comes crashing around us. Time does allow a new self to come forward and the pain of loss more doable but with every new loss the wounds of the past are ripped open. I was thinking the other day how the price of living longer is at times costly to the heart. I have no desire to leave the flesh yet but thoughts or fears I once harbored are gone now. When my time here is over I am excepting the cycle of life, I have no fear of dying. Your words echoed my past, there was a time I too was never alone, I raced from one place to another, and life was a whirl wind of activity. Now the clock has all but stopped if you take away my work life and at times I feel suffocated with grief in many forms. Thanks for opening a door to your anguish and a better understanding of how you deal with pain, I too can listen to your words and learn. I also loved the idea of embracing pain to better come to terms with the pendulum of life as "h2ophobic" wrote to you about. She too has suffered a tragic loss, and reading how she too copes is another life line. Sandyz

from boxx9000 :

Both my parents died within 6 months of each other and it realy threw me for a loop. I was on Prozac for the first 2 years after their deaths. It's been 7 years now and I finally have worked thru all the grief. I thought I was prepared for their deaths and I had even taken a class on the psychology of death and dying. I think it *helped* on some level but there is just no way to prepare. It's a rather personal journey that we all go thru at some point in our lives, the death of a loved one.

from h2ophobic :

I don't know what to write, except...I know. It's so hard to FEEL the pain, but not let yourself EMBRACE it. I'll be thinking about and praying for you today (as I do every day).

from zuzus-petals :

That's beautiful!! Breathless. - Zu

from fightn4life :

I was finally able to catch up reading diaries. I loved the entry about your daughter. What an awesome love you two share. My prayers are with you every day. Welcome Home! Sandyz

from boxx9000 :

Home again, home again. ♥

from sunpowered :

Good evening to you! You're delightful to read. Honestly. Reading you is as good as lemonade and cookies. I sure am pleased to have stumbled upon your little corner of the globe. Biggest smile to you from a gal who adores Oklahoma, fellow lightworkers, and good writers. Spoil yourself!

from swimmmer72 :

i know the feeling!! i've crossed the eastern colorado flatlands several times and am still in absolute awe of crossing that last hill and having the rockies FINALLY coming into view! if i'm going the other way (east) i drive looking at them slowly disappear in the rear view mirror. what a comfort it must be for you to finally get back home! :)

from swimmmer72 :

i agree. the beach i usually go to is normally pretty quiet with a scattering of people minding their own business. no bipods! :)

from madrigle :

mmmmmmmmmmmmm I loved that last paragraph, you as a girl, laying there listening to the stories. I want to feel that again too. HUGS

from hissandtell :

Happy (slightly belated) birthday, darling - so glad you had a good chocolatey one. Much love, R xxx

from madrigle :

That sounds like a great birthday!

from chaosdaily :

ooo yummy chocolate cake!!!!

from nicim :

Happy Happy Happy dear one. All the best on this special day. XXOO N

from chaosdaily :

its happened to me.. and happy birthday!

from fightn4life :

Same here this morning, yours was the first new entry marked in red, the others I already read. This may be a glich, if it does the same thing tomorrow I'll e-mail Andrew. It happened before. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

Happy birthday to you!!!! - Zuzu

from swimmmer72 :

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!! i hope you had/are having a good one! no, i'm not having the same update in red issue unless you are talking about danddteacher, and i'm pretty sure she had an update that went into her private diary, which explains that one. otherwise, i don't know. again, i hope you have a good birthday! :)

from boxx9000 :

07-07-06 HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope it's a HAPPY one.

from madrigle :

I sure hope your feeling better and that you have retained, atleast some of, your lungs. :D

from fightn4life :

I am so sorry you are very sick�I hope your lung stays in place and you start to feel better today. Stay home and rest. Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

i'm sorry to read you are sick! i hope you get well soon! :\

from bornearly :

Get well soon, dear. What a lot you're going through. Holding you in the light...

from h2ophobic :

Pneumonia! That's incredible. I feel so bad for you. It's bad enough to be sick, but to be sick away from home and NOT have anything to read! All joking aside, I think that's one of my phobias - not having anything good to read when I want to relax. Maybe your mom's books won't be so bad. Take care of yourself and leave the furniture alone. I'm pretty sure moving furniture doesn't come under the category of resting.

from zuzus-petals :

Oh my word!!! Please take care of yourself, feel better, sleep. Sending healing stuff your way. - Zu

from hbaybee :

Lookin for a diary review? Don't be silly, of course you are! Come to Hitlar Baybee Reviewz for the best review this side of the time-space continuum =D x

from h2ophobic :

I hope you get to head home soon. My heart breaks for you as you pack up your aunt's belongings. It's so hard to do. Things that wouldn't mean a thing to you if she were still alive, have so much meaning now that she's gone. When we packed up Jeff's things, we didn't throw ANYTHING away. At some point, I guess I'll go through his boxes again and try to get his stuff into some type of order. I've ordered a cedar chest to keep them in, and everything won't fit in it. You're in my daily prayers.

from boxx9000 :

I read in your cast list that one of your friends is fox, an artist and teacher. Durig art therapy classes i discovered my inner animal character was a mischievious little red fox.

from virtualcrack :

ok, ok. You win the popularity contest. Got lots of notes!

from fightn4life :

My heart is with you today. I am so sorry. Try not to look back and feel what she might have been thinking; we each end our journeys our own quiet ways. I feel I would retreat away from others as illness took over my body, not because I wanted others to try and reach me but so I could have those moments to find peace within my life. Some people find comfort in others during their end of the journey, others find seclusion their companion. Please know you are in my prayers. Sandyz

from madrigle :

Oh boann, I'm so sorry. Your discription of your aunt, I don't know, it just resonated with me. I'm so glad you had her in your life. Many, Many, Many, hugs, thoughts, and prayers.

from batten :

Sweetheart, we always have regrets in hindsight when we lose someone we love. Don't beat yourself up. She knew and knows she was loved by you. Thank God for her in your life and mourn the loss of her but don't beat yourself up over shoulda, coulda, woulda. It doesn't honor her or your relationship. Big hug. -J

from swimmmer72 :

people afraid to ask for help. so very sad. it is good you are there to help your father. you are a very strong woman.

from smashthegas :

I'm glad that your Aunt didnt endur epain towards the end and that she was surrounded by those she loved. Remember, give yourself a hug, too. Smashxxx

from nicim :

6/14 sorry for your loss dear one. i'll keep you in my thoughts today. XXOO N

from batten :

I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Big hug.-J

from h2ophobic :

I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

from chaosdaily :

im so sorry.... im glad she wasnt in pain, and that you were there to tell her that she was free to go.... its hard to say that last good bye.

from fightn4life :

I am so sorry about your loss Gods gain, to have been with her caressing her hand when she moved on was a loving goodbye from this world to her Maker. My heart and prayers are with you at this time of knowing life is fragile, and the ways one can leave are unpredictable. {{{HUGS}}} Sandyz

from hissandtell :

Please accept my condolences; I'm so sorry to read about your aunt, and so glad she was surrounded by loved ones to help her on her journey. Love, R xxx

from swimmmer72 :

i am so sorry for your loss, and have no words to express that can make it right. i haven't had to face this yet, not with an immediate family member, although i'm afraid time is growing near with my father. again, my condolences.

from zuzus-petals :

Have a great time!

from nicim :

6/10 - you are a wise woman. you see so clearly what to do, and what NOT to do. Such strength you have in you. XXOO N

from boxx9000 :

Both my grandmother and my mother died of ovarian cancer. My Dad died of liver cancer. (((hugs)))

from madrigle :

your a wise woman, human? Hmm. symantics.

from fightn4life :

All these things I too learned, if we learn we are better than we might give ourselves credit for. Makes me smile. Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

you may be afraid of being looked at in regards to the misdeeds of your ex. you needn't be. you have chosen, and taken, your own path, and are doing what you want to do, the way you want to do it. you don't need to protect anybody, but if you choose to, that is your right. their time is past, and if it is healthier to leave it there for whatever reason, it's your call, nobody else's.

from madrigle :

hugs

from fightn4life :

Lord I do understand this entry, it hit home today. Sigh... Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

i've been rolling this and one of your previous posts (about love and being known) around in my thoughts for several days. They churn when I walk on the mountain. I BELIEVE (I might be full of shit) that you'll only feel comfortable being wholly yourself, wholly revealed, wholly known and thus wholly loved if you practice being all those things - with abandon. I BELIEVE (ditto on the disclaimer) that secrets have power over us - that when we tell them, we set ourselves free and disempower them. I BELIEVE (again, ditto, redundant) that if you don't start living outside of secrets, walls of figurative protection, insulation, etc., that you can decide right now how long you're going to live like that - until you're 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, never.. and just stop whenever you decide. Because it all comes down to you. I BELIEVE (like I said) that if we don't reveal ourselves and someone tells us we're beautiful we can never really hear it or feel their words because we never showed ourselves - how can one possibly feel loved if they haven't revealed who they are in all their vulnerabilities, warts and all. I read the journal of a 20-something girl who said she never went outside without concealer on. Figuratively or literally - it seems clear what needs to happen.. or at least to me.. based on what I believe (you know.. that part of possibly being full of shit again.) - Zu

from swimmmer72 :

yes, you are exactly right! and money is the glue that holds it all together, except that it will never be enough given the nature of where we live. deciding to have something besides money be the priority is a brave decision, and i'm glad to hear that it has worked for you! :)

from virtualcrack :

PIckaChu I choose YOU! oops, wrong person. Rasputina title user!

from katzendreck :

Hey,this was kinda deep!

from katzendreck :

Hey,not bad!

from h2ophobic :

Beautiful...

from fightn4life :

Loved this entry, your words touch my heart. Sandyz

from h2ophobic :

When I threw my back out the first time, I was told to take double doses of ibuprofen and alternate heat and ice. So far this has worked, usually I'm up and around within 2-3 days. But, my back pain is usually muscular...I'm not sure about a pinched nerve. Ouch!

from fightn4life :

I have been a bit on the down side and needed a break this weekend�I read a book. You are right TV is crap in the day time and most of the nights too. We only have three channels no cable or dish, just what ever the ole antenna can pick up here on the mountain. Hope you feeling better in a few days. Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

have you ever been to a chiropractor? i hope something works for you! :0

from bornearly :

Me, TOO. :)

from zuzus-petals :

Hurray on the studio front!!! - Zu

from swimmmer72 :

i've had the type of day you are having today. for many of the same reasons. i don't think any president has pissed me off as much as bush, and when you consider that the first time i voted, it was against richard nixon, there is some perspective there. i used to act out, but now i bitch and grumble and complain and argue instead of stealing republican headquarters signs (yes, i did that in ithaca, october '72, a great big red, white and blue elephant). i hope something productive came out of your anger. the soup kitchen is a good idea. :)

from fightn4life :

This came to mind when I read your entry as I have been feeling the same way by hating living with so much hate around us; ""Peace�be still" as our Lord calmed the angry sea. I found some comfort in those little words during a time of turmoil. I cannot go to a soup kitchen there is none here and I have to work tonight. Maybe I'll night dream at work about feeding the hungry and eating a bowl of hot home made soup. It's stormy today, like my mind. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

Me too. I'm angry that people in power are indeed NOT powerless - they just abdicate responsibility. But I won't go down to the soup kitchen today.. hmmmm... soup... (art?) - Zu

from zuzus-petals :

it is kind of amazing isn't it? I just measured (because I have a tape measurer sitting right here), and the nail on that finger has square dimensions - 3/8 of an inch by 3/8 of an inch! I had to put the pic up with my finger, as when I asked Ed to guess the size from the first pic, he guessed it was about the size of an old silver dollar. I always find these little frogs above the waterfall. I walk softly and look from jumping things about my feet - scurrying out of my way.

from madrigle :

LOL!!! too cute. Something was going bump in the night a few hours ago, I'm always amazed how chicken my little dogs are, they were both cowering by me in bed instead of raising holy hell and going to find out what it was. (the door to my living room was getting sucked back and forth by to opposing open windows and the wind outside.)

from swimmmer72 :

aaaawwwwwww, what a cute little dog! :)

from fightn4life :

I agree with your entry about things sometimes DO NOT GET BETTER. Our frame of mind is what we have to adjust. My three nights at work went from bad to Oh my get me a gun someone is going down. But� I would never do that as I am too curious to see what a new day brings. I feel stronger after a fall�a bit bruised but stronger. I also could so relate to your entry about remembering abuse from one you love. I do not write much about it in fear my children may see it�the past for their sake has to be a piece of the puzzle that might never find its place, but I have found peace with this. Sandyz

from boxx9000 :

Yep, shit happens. I have been to hell and back on several occsions. I even tried the suicide route, I'm still here. Someohow it all really does workout in the end and I have given up on trying to control everything. I'm much happier now just going along with the flow. I don't understand the plan, but I accept it.

from zuzus-petals :

Here, here! I loved this entry. It's true.. things don't always get better - especially passively. Sometimes they just fester and ooze rather endlessly. And maybe mostly (not merely sometimes) we're the ones that put ourselves there (and for whatever reasons - or for no discernable reason at all perhaps we want or need to stay there - despite our higher reasonings and arguments with ourselves.) And some things are wholly external and fucked up - like a gypsy, Jew, Black person or queer sitting in a concentration camp during Hitler's reign over Nazi Germany. Just hang out and watch things get better? Just not the way it was for over 6 million people. A fact that's hard to deny. Yes, true.. perhaps some eventually felt more comfortable with their fate, it became less frightening as destiny revealed itself, maybe.. the terror became commonplace, maybe, for some.... and thus less something.. terrifying?.. but what does THAT mean? Better? Not in my book. For my own part - I don't know what to say to people who tell me that they're contemplating suicide. I'm perhaps very pragmatic.. besides.. "I'm sorry that life feels so painful. I respect your choices and I know that you'll do what is best for you. I hope you don't die." That's all I can think to say. Do I think things will get better? Hmmm... I know that things CAN get better, whether or not they WILL get better is situational and subjective mostly. There is this notion that time heals all wounds. On some level that's true - but only if 1) you don't have a clotting disorder 2) you're not constanting picking at the scab and/or 3) it's not infected with some potent pathogen preventing healing without additional antibiotics of some kind. We know, when healthy, the body bends toward healing... a broken bone might not set itself, but it will begin to repair and knit nonetheless. I can't help but believe that the spirit is the same - it bends towards healing if we let it. The key might be to let it. In terms of just plain old fucked up situations, well... that's kind of like an infection.. you need to take an arsenal against the pathogens... heh. I do also believe there are figurative spiritual clotting disorders too. Anyways.. I loved this post! - Zu

from smashthegas :

We all have our safe blankets :-) Let's hope they stop us all from getting hurt *hugz*

from nicim :

5/30 Yes dear one. Living because another counts on us, having the responsibility....no TAKING the responsibility and being grateful that we have it to take. Had it only been me...but it wasn't. And now, I'm so glad. I know you are too. Things always get better. Always. No matter what. Because life goes up and down and up. It's the way it is. Stay well dear one. XXOO N

from chaosdaily :

its good to be able to get it all out in a safe place..

from h2ophobic :

I grew up in Chickasha...40 miles south of OKC. Mike moved to OKC 5 years ago and loves it here. Where is your reunion?

from boxx9000 :

I don't like my food to touch. Is that weird? I hate ketschup so I put mustard on my fries. That's two. Too many more to list.

from h2ophobic :

Thanks for the tag. I may not get to it until next week...I'm in OK, for my oldest son's wedding.

from zuzus-petals :

that was only 5. - zu

from fightn4life :

I haven't forgot the links to Yoga sites. :) I am a slow responder. Everytime I read your diary I see more things we have in common, your weird things, #1, #2, #4 all are things I do. Maybe this little quizz is really all things normal. :) Sandyz

from smedindy :

Thanks! That makes my day!

from swimmmer72 :

you've been tagged! read my last entry for details! ;)

from fightn4life :

I loved this entry although I felt chills feeling so much of what you wrote in this entry. Having your skin turned inside out per say is something I can relate to, being emotional when others may laugh over something that was said is another of my shortcomings. Many say I wear my feeling on my sleeve, I wasn't always like that. I too feel the first death of a child in our family is what washed over me like a title wave. My life will forever be altered. My past caught up with me in an instant, the abuse, lies, and so many painful endings. I too wish we were neighbors that would be awesome, coffee, watching the sunrise and fall, looking for shapes in the clouds, counting stars, and studying the trees in early dawn. I too feel connected and no I do not feel as if this is weird, just two people that have run a similar road in search of understanding hearts. You would love yoga�I have a few links to some great sites if you would like me to send them to you. I taught myself Yoga about 4 years ago, books, videos, and DVD's. I'll e-mail you about this if you wish. Sandyz

from pfirsich :

yeah ok

from boann7 :

im not much on rules pfirsich. too much of an old hippie. but you should email me sometime instead of always just writing me notes. or talk to me on yahoo. my IM id is on the profile and my email is on the diary page at the bottom.

from pfirsich :

I want something from you.You have something that I want.So this means you get to make the rules.Correct?

from pfirsich :

I AM incredibly thankful for what you�re writing.I mean I am thankful THAT you�re writing.--You look a certain way,right? And that is very healing for my eyes. You think you don�t look neat enough. Right? But I can deal with that only,with un-neat. With somebody looking neat I�d have temper tantrums.

from boann7 :

naaa i don't have a problem with you. ive had worse than you on my eyeball. ok thats just a silly referance, not a putdown. just a way to say, ive had worse bother me than your comments. besides i always wonder what you are going to say. =)

from pfirsich :

Do you have a problem with me? Cause,if so you can tell it,it won�t blow me all away or will make me stop wanting you.You don�t have to adore in order to have me like you and dig you!

from boann7 :

pfirsich, if anything i write has a positive effect on you. then thats good. but i do think you lose something in translating since english isn't your primary language. but i do admire you for trying.

from pfirsich :

I dig your explosive temperament.That makes me feel alive,you see! It has a positive effect on me.

from pfirsich :

I do mean it,though.They are like radar,physical.When intuitive messages are coming from your brain.I DO understand you.I am keeping my opinion. When you feel stress it�s a sign of danger.Please,it�s like that in the animal kingdom,too! You like to argue me,huh. It seems you love the thought more that there�s something wrong with you and you belong locked up,huh....Sorry.What ails you? Am I stepping on your toes? I do believe that what you mean are signals of danger...

from boann7 :

triggers are not intuitive messages pfirsich. thats something completly different. i have had those many times warning me of danger. i usually listen to those. at least i do now anyway. triggers are something much different.

from pfirsich :

What? No,no.I think you WERE in danger!! You know,you have cognitive abilities to know those things. Stress,your antennas for stress tell you when there IS danger. It�s simple:when you are stressed,then there is danger!

from fightn4life :

I have triggers too, none a therapist told me about I have yet go to one, it feels as though something holds me back. Lack of trust?? I notice my triggers after the fact and try to recall what happened in my past that set them off. I am not bad at figuring things out�I just wish I could fix myself. Other times I think I am just learning and still taking those baby steps, you fall and get right back up. Sandyz

from boxx9000 :

Hi Boann, Thanks for your note over at my diary. I hear you on the triggers but I didn't get that from any psychiatrist. Kind of a cause and effect thing with me. My Ex is passive agressive so he never yells, he does the silent treatment. I was rear ended at a stop light in 1976. To this very day I always look in my rearview mirrow whenever I have to make a sudden stop. I guess I just want to SEE the person as they rear end me into oblivian. hehehehe.

from boann7 :

i don't really doubt they all loved me, pfirsich. just that some kinds of love you are better off without.

from pfirsich :

Hey,I�m sure your husband loved you,too.Maybe he was just hiding it behind anger.

from f-i-n :

Wow. That flower has earned a bad name. But they are beautiful.

from swimmmer72 :

good for you! i'm glad to hear it as i've seen the effects of diabetes up close. columbines are beautiful! :)

from fightn4life :

I am so glad you are feeling much better. I think I will e-mail you...soon. Maybe I'll get myself back on some kind of path, any path will do for now. :) Sandyz

from f-i-n :

It's a relief...hitting that delete button.

from badassrocker :

You're a very special persona, babe and you deserve your happiness and peace of mind. badassxxxx

from swimmmer72 :

it's interesting. you and i come from vaguely similiar current circumstances, and sometimes i read your thoughts and think i am pretty close to where you are in the ebb and flow of human emotion. last night i wrote an entry i will post today that shows a contrast, especially with certain words used. "complete" is one of those words. i'm posting my entry exactly as written last night just so you can see. nothing huge here, just interesting. thanks for sharing your thoughts. :)

from swimmmer72 :

i understand the feeling. maybe not about the key to my candy box, but about jumping back into the fire after a long time mending some burns. i've been close, and i've definitely thought about it, and i'm hoping i'll know when the time is right. combination of caution and leap of faith, i guess. i hope it works out for you as well. :)

from pfirsich :

Hmmmm

from fightn4life :

I too often wonder the whys, other times I feel it is unimportant as we all have a different thinking process. What we believe to be "norm" another soul may feel is CRAZY. Many have thought me crazy for over analyzing past movements as I want to understand the whys. Sandyz

from being-katie :

I am glad for you and the peace you are finding... and I am glad for myself. You give me hope. Thank you.

from chaosdaily :

i will email you boxx's password, so make sure to check for it!

from fightn4life :

We must be lost twins; hum�I suppose we are not lost any more. I have felt so much of what your entry said today, 5/9/06. I have often thought, "If this or if that." I think it could be from taking more steps along this journey but more so I believe it is from the pain of the past we have learned from while finding the way through the darkness. We never gave up or closed our eyes for long to the wonders of creation. I am thrilled you are feeling this happiness and acceptance of life. I wrote my mother last night about a meditation I had read about that talked about letting go of anger not my wishing things could be different but by accepting things as they are. I am working on it. While writing this I happened to look over and see my oil painting case, how odd to see it just sitting there where I put it so long ago. You're right they are calling. Sandyz

from madrigle :

I'm so very excited about you feeling so good! delightful! :D

from h2ophobic :

5/9/06 - Entries like this are why I belong to Diaryland. I daily read funny entries, "what I did today entries" and such. But every once in awhile, someone writes an entry like this -that is so beautiful and honest. It makes me realize that there is joy out there, if I'll just remember to see it. Thanks...

from fightn4life :

I loved this entry again about hummers. I too have a stained glass hummer hanging on my window next to my computer. We were invaded by some beautiful black and yellow oriels a few days ago. They kept picking the little flowers off the hummer feeder so today I looked them up on the net and read all about them. I now have a little feeder for them and will get a fruit holder as well. Isn't it amazing how the little things we seem to cling to during difficult times have more meaning the skies are clear? I recall during some of my darkest times the little birds were all that helped keep me on this side of sane. I never forgot to feed them and at times as I sat on the porch lost in a fog; their little wings were all I could hear. I too have done several oil paintings with the humming birds in them. I really need to get my oils back out. Been too long. Sandyz

from boxx9000 :

I collect hummingbirds, too! email me at [email protected] and I will give you my password. Chaosdaily said she would vouch for you. hehehehehe

from chaosdaily :

which came first, the joy or the art? my buddy, boxx9000, is an art goddess. do you read her?

from pfirsich :

OK,I�m sorry,I didn�t wanan sound like I critizise you(well,unless you didn�t think I did,then cross that out)-it�s amazing what great of a recovery you�re doing,I�m really amazed at it,too and it�s cool to let others see that! It�s super beautiful like who you�re developing. I�m just so angry and like out of my mind for what you had to go through,you know? It�s a great picture you posted and I can also feel that you feel happy and are doing good,so yay.

from pfirsich :

Oh,ok,you�re right...at first I thought you meant it as your totem.But then I thought:uhm,why doesn�t she choose an eagle? You know,something big that can protect you.But you chose a hummingbird,which doesn�t have anythign special on itself! To me anyway! So does it have anythign special for you? Apart from you having it seen first when you were with your abusive husband(according to you). So it�s a connection to your husband?

from pfirsich :

Oh.Thanks.But I wanted to know what YOU like about them,you know,so I could relate....like:why do you like them...?

from f-i-n :

I miss our hummingbirds! They've flown north for the summer....

from swimmmer72 :

it's a reflection of the orange and gold fall foliage overhanging the creek, from watkins glen state park in the finger lake region of new york. :)

from fightn4life :

You summed up thoughts many of have about the hummers, I adore them. Each year mid April one tiny bird appears at the window as if it looking for us, I always have a small batch of food on hand to make in a hurry for the little buzzing birds. By mid May I am making a gallon every few days, filling the feeders twice daily. I love watching them, wistfully longing to flutter about so beautiful and free. I loved this entry. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

Quite often i have "bad art night" at casa de zuzu. once it's been defined as 'bad art' - the worst you can do is fail and make 'good art' by mistake. it's so much fun! - zu

from swimmmer72 :

yep, the vast majority are mine. earlier entries had some from corel gallery, but they are smaller in size and distinctively not mine. i've scanned a couple pics that i needed to fit my story, but the rest are mine. i'm glad you enjoy them. thanks for your very nice comments! :)

from badassrocker :

You're the sweetest and most talented babe. *hugz*

from pfirsich :

The freeing is nice! I hope this means I�ve helped you with it.Why hummingbird? Why did you say hummingbird? I love your being freed.(was that english?)

from madrigle :

sweet landscape. :)

from swimmmer72 :

WOW!!! Nice Job!!! Please feel free to paint anything I ever post! It really looks good! :)

from zuzus-petals :

I LOVE the dress... it makes her less serious. She can pretend to be as serious as she wants, but that dress reveals she's tons of play too.

from fightn4life :

Looks like deep wistful eyes of an old soul in a beautiful child. Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

you absolutely CAN use that picture! please, be my guest! it is a bridge over buttermilk creek in buttermilk falls state park in ithaca, new york. recommended if you ever get in that part of the country! thanks for the comment!

from fightn4life :

What a cute little pup, so cute I wish I could reach through the screen and pet it. Zuzu is right, Alison is an awesome read. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

You have to go read Alison's (aliannmil) diary. She was lacking inspiration and I'd noted that your post a while back on the issue of baggage has had me thinking and I encouraged her to write about baggage, since I haven't had the time and I was interested in her thoughts. Anyways..she posts a wonderful missive.. you gotta check it out (she's a link from my diary if you haven't read her before.) - zu

from hissandtell :

Well, this all sounds like a perfectly sublime place - pastel roses, gardening, piano and forgiveness. I went for about five years once without even touching the piano, but it was amazing how quickly it all came back once I gave my fingers a stern talking-to. Now I play about once a week and still can't quite believe I neglected it for so long. Always use your gifts, darling. Love, R xxx

from madrigle :

*giggle* did you play in the studio? Hugs.

from nicim :

4/26 I think we're in the same place dear one. I planted dozens of flowers on Sunday. And have taken the guitar back up. My fingers are foreign and obstinate and I can't remember any of the hard chords. The piano feels like that too - and it's too hard on one that doesn't have enough keys. I may never play well again, as much as I miss it. I feel like I'm in the fourth quarter of a football game and my team is 9 points down. Two minutes to go, we've got the ball. All we need is a touchdown, extra point and recover the onside kick for a field goal. It's not impossible, but no one would lay odds on it happening. XXOO N

from fightn4life :

I recall thinking I was ready for the loony bin when one day it dawned on me that I no longer longed to be rich or famous. I wanted to feel content within my own skin, love life, love others, and in time love myself. It has been a long journey and I continue to learn everyday. Sandyz

from h2ophobic :

I've added you to my buddy list...I hope that's OK.

from anonymous69 :

haha hey thank you very much for the comment. i dont get many comments on diaryland (not many at all) so whenever i do it puts a smile on my face. haha so again thank for you putting smiles on my face... whether if it's from you leaving me comment or just making your entries so awesome.. THANKS!

from selfbiased :

september twenty-third, my dear. more or less on the exuinox.

from f-i-n :

Maybe he has forgotten...

from chaosdaily :

of course hes there.. or he wouldnt have contacted you

from swimmmer72 :

nice pic; nice sentiments! :)

from fightn4life :

Love this little story, if you e-mail him back...do tell. :) Sandyz

from madrigle :

Oh my gosh! I love that entry! You never saw or heard from him again? till now? What an enchanting little story! hugs!

from madrigle :

I love that you listen to the beetles while you color eggs with fawn. Lovely. :)

from fightn4life :

I carry my baggage like a badge of honor, (although I need a U-Haul, not a lapel) I figure it is not the amount of baggage we have but what we have learned, or how we reacted in spite of it. They say when we are knocked down we stand up and dust ourselves off, some times I have stayed in the dust and wallowed for a bit, but what is important is I am standing today. Should we say let's not trust those without "baggage" they couldn't be human now could they? Sandyz

from swimmmer72 :

i think it is a good thing to be alone for a time after a relationship ends, just to get to know yourself. otherwise, to go from one relationship to another, a person only learns how to survive with another, not knowing anything about how to survive with themself. you are doing the right thing, living your life not in the shadow of another, and then, when and if another someone comes along, you will go into it knowing exactly what it is about yourself that you need to know to make things work. god bless you and god bless your baggage! :)

from boann7 :

pfirsich, i went to leave you a note and didn't find your diary. so ill leave one here for when you come back. you are so like a little seagull. beautiful and sometimes annoying. picking at the sand and catching flying food. your notes make me think and sometimes i don't understand them fully. occasionally they have hurt like a pinch and i have erased them. but i do like you too. what an odd beautiful bird you are

from zuzus-petals :

Inimitably even.. inimitibly? oh pooh. you know what i mean.

from zuzus-petals :

What a great post! I love the way it has me thinking.. now I want to write a missive on baggage. Man.. wouldn't you love to go through and send a missive to everyone who says, "no baggage" and ask them what that means. Very curious. I love your baggage - it's what makes you inimiatably you! - Zu

from pfirsich :

I love you,but even more so I think you are SOOOO delicious!!!!!! And everything that has to do with you,you know!

from pfirsich :

You make it more fun for ME to vent,you make everything more fun to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even sleeping and going to bed,contemplating,which is what I am going to do right now I guess....finally,although I do crave more entries from you,you know,like the seagulls at feeding time,gasp,gasp.

from pfirsich :

You�re so sweet;yeah,I mean,maybe the baggage is luggage anyway.You know,not rubbish,rather "stuff".Not useless.Yeah...I also believe in the venting process! Purging.

from f-i-n :

((hugs))

from fightn4life :

I too have been looking around and contemplating downsizing some of my older relics. For goodness sake I still have my High School note book with hand written poems in it. Some times it is good for the soul to dig up a few bones reminisce and move back into today. BTW, you look great in the pictures of the day long ago, love the boots. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

Sometimes, in the working and the doing of something, spiritual issues just work themselves out. The task may not be so much more arduous then simply going through these boxes and letting things go. My thoughts are with you - I hope you make room for a bright and hopeful present and future! - Zuzu

from h2ophobic :

I get it. I'll be praying for you. I'm sorry for your hurt and anger. I'd tell you to hang in there, but that really irritates me when people say that to me. How about...I'll check back in a few days to see how you're doing.

from swimmmer72 :

well, you are right. d-land is for writing, and if there are times when you have to vent (i have!), then that's what you should be able to do. as far as talking to other people about things, i understand that and do the same thing a lot of the time. everybody has problems of their own, and normally i don't feel like dumping mine on them. just another reason to diary-vent. i'm sorry for your pain. you have a right to be angry.

from pfirsich :

Ahhhh,you want no advice,I see!!! I could see that! I could see how people would feel invited to chime in when you sound unhappy. I know that,too,though,that on the phone or when I meet certain people my mood seems to change and tell them something else.But,it�s true though,you can�t trust everyone. I like giving advice,but it�s not like the other one has to take it.

from zuzus-petals :

No, no, nothing like that. No one famous and not the kinds of publications "most people" would be looking at.

from being-katie :

Hi - how are you. Just dropped by to let you know I've unlocked my diary

from fightn4life :

What a beautiful soul, the photo made me smile. Life�awesome at times, ok all the time if we can ride the swing of the pendulum. Sandyz

from madrigle :

Hey! yeah, I don't know what's up with that photo. I can't get it to show up in internet explorer, but in firefox browser it pops right up. weirdness. HUGS.

from chaosdaily :

people with perfect pitch are gifted and cursed.. gifted because they always sing in tune, cursed because they can hear when things are NOT in tune!

from swimmmer72 :

trillium is about the size of a daylily, maybe a little smaller and much closer to the ground. they also come in maroon, although that is a lot less common. thanks for the comment! :)

from swimmmer72 :

thanks for the note! the pic is from ricketts glen state park in northeastern PA, near scranton. :)

from swimmmer72 :

thanks for adding me as a favorite! i've read a few of your pages, and found your diary very interesting. from what i did read, i like the way you think and will be back for more. :)

from fightn4life :

(Sulking) I wanted to be a cat or dog, horse even but a blasted grizzly freaking bear, freaking pissed! What blasted temper are those idiots talking about. Wait till I see them a-ho*les that put that quiz out. :) Smiles so sweet, Sandyz

from smashthegas :

You're right, bo. I think there's always something left that makes us want to carry on, no matter how bad things become. I mean it most sincerely when I say your strength and honesty is a lesson to us all. You have my unending admiration. And hugz, too :) Smashxxx *hugz*

from chaosdaily :

the drugs may ease things for a while, but they dont solve the problems that cause depression.. at least not for most people. i think its better to do without the drugs if you can.

from candoor :

*HUG* your comment was so very much on time... remember how much stronger you are for what you've been through - and tell your story proudly as you heal :)

from fightn4life :

My heart pounded while reading this entry, so close to my 15 year marriage to the kid's dad. Even he being a Viet Nam vet although I was married at 17 and he went to VN while we were married. Our lives are very similar the paths we took, some of the things we endured, our returning hoping we could make the positive changes in our world. I remarried my ex and what good came from the second time was my youngest daughter, truly another gift from God. This was a fascinating entry as I said almost a mirror image of my past in many ways. My heart goes out to you and as you so brilliantly said it, "we are not young girls any more." Thanks for your comments in my diary. I tried to read the entry to my hubby and couldn't stop the tears. I wrote it for God's sake, and then I couldn't read it. Hubby is still dealing with grief losing his daughter. He knew I would write about my grandson and wanted to hear it. He had to read it himself, and then told me it helped him change his thinking to the awesome memories for awhile and not dwell on loss. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Sometimes those inner voices I believe are angels watching over you. Some one dear to me had similar experience and went home with the guy. She escaped but ran naked through the streets screaming for help, lucky today to alive. Years later when she could talk about it she said she heard inner voices telling her, "No, no this could be dangerous." She just wanted to have fun and experience new and exciting things. I think if people want to get involved with this kind of thing they should get to know the other people and build some kind of trust. I realize in this day and age trust is hard to come by but to toss all caution to the wind can get one killed. I am glad you are here to tell this story and this event written in a book about some weird sex murders. Sandyz

from nicim :

3/22 yummy memory dear, but you should have gone. swingers even then were most careful...and the lifestyle could be delicious. given the chance again? take it! XXOO N

from chaosdaily :

sometimes those warnings your brain sends are right on. they may not have hurt you, but still there were diseases around in 1981.... and they arent all readily apparent in females. it must have been hard to say no,but its a good thing you did!

from smashthegas :

I'm so glad it isn't cancer, babe. And I guess I may be too dumb (LOL) to understand spiritualism because I'm pretty much a come-day go-day kind of dude, but you deserve big hugz anyways ;-) Smashxxx *hugz*

from fightn4life :

I think you may be right, something in the night allows us to find the creative edge through expression and come to terms with what ever we have been through. Or at least better express our deepest thoughts. The hard part for me to have been on long days is I have felt like I was silenced. We will see how this goes. So many times I wish I could just stay home and write, oh, the things I long to say. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

I've been checked for diabetes and had my blood sugar levels checked several times. The foot trouble started coincident to a fall/knee injury last Octoberish. I wondered if I broke something. I wonder if I didn't immediately note a problem with the foot because the knees hurt so frill'n bad. And when the knees recovered, that's when I started feeling the foot. But maybe that was just serrendipidity... I am pretty confident at this point that whatever it is it's unlikely diabetes re: the blood tests I've had re: that (knock on wood!) What's most disturbing to me - something that still goes unresolved - is I have tremendously low total lymphocyte counts (about 12 in a "normal" range of 25-46.) Before I quit smoking all my lab work was incredibly normal, my feet never hurt, my eyes were actually IMPROVING (they lightened my perscription.) Heh.. maybe I should just start smoking again, eh? Probably not my first choice solution... - Zu

from madrigle :

FANTASTIC!!!!! Hugs.

from zuzus-petals :

yipeeeee!!!!!!

from chaosdaily :

hoooooraayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from fightn4life :

I felt so peaceful reading this entry I suppose some times I get so caught up in what should I do in my tomorrows I forget what to be thankful for today. Thanks for the reminder. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

imagine all the people living life in peace..

from fightn4life :

Thank you so much for you offer to walk with me through some possibly difficult times, it helps knowing you have walked the walk and have so much to offer in spite of it. Life seems to get so out of control at times even when you think the road you're on is a safe one. Thank you again, I'll most likely be e-mailing you. Sandyz (Thanks for the cyber hugs)

from bornearly :

Goddess bless you, dear. May all the news be good.

from zuzus-petals :

Yeah, I know what you mean about the desert, it's never been a big draw to me. My parents seem to always winter in one of these desert/golfing communities - Palm Springs, Arizona, blah, blah, blah. And so of course we hike when I visit - and through that I've come to develop an appreciation of the desert despite myself. I'd still probably never actively choose the desert as a vacation spot (what's the point in walking ANYWHERE if you can't bring the dog? And what's the point of vacation without the dog?) - but it doesn't change how breathtaking and spectacular a really fine dessert bloom is. The red thing is a common barrel cactus. Glad to hear the procedure went well.. my thoughts are with you! - Zu

from madrigle :

hey, just thinking of you today. I hope the biopsy went smoothly. HUGS to you.

from smashthegas :

I'm sending up a prayer for you too babe, even though I'm not usually the praying kind of dude ;-) Smashxxx

from zuzus-petals :

YAY for Yoshi. Biospy myopsy.. that part will be fine. I understand the distraction nonetheless. Don't forget to laugh as if you hadn't a choice in the matter. Thinking of you. - Zu

from chaosdaily :

ill hold you in my thoughts today..

from fightn4life :

My prayers are with you again tonight. I hope the tea works; I have been unable to sleep myself tonight. I think I am an owl in reality. Hope the biopsy is negative. Sandyz

from candoor :

yay you :)

from madrigle :

I have the distinct feeling I missed something. all I know is I wish I could give you a huge hug. hope you feel better soon. I'm glad your getting up. I believe in letting ourselves feel also, but also know the reality of having to get up eventually and work through it. HUGS.

from candoor :

I love you.

from anonymous69 :

hey, thank you very much for the add... i appreciate it. im not going to ask you how you came across my journal, because thats usually a question that makes people feel slightly uncomfortable. haha so tell me more about yourself. as of right now all i know is that we have the same views on lobster (it's great food, but isn't one that should be enjoyed too often... gives you something to look forward to right?) :~)

from smashthegas :

I know I don't know what it is like to be truly depressed, but I want you to know that because it is all I can do, I am wishing you get better soon and get back to rokin' good humour. Take care of yourself, okay babe? Smashxxx

from nicim :

3/1 No sweetie - it's not always a door that leads nowhere. And if you don't open them you will never, ever know what could be waiting on the other side. Just open them slowly, gently, putting out a toe, then a foot, then an ankle (like getting into a cold swimming pool) - getting used to what's on the other side. There is always hope, there is always music. I hope you DANCE. XXOO N

from fightn4life :

I think you just did. Raven is what friendship is all about. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

She is beautiful, and she can dance. Oh�I have always loved the little red heads. Big ones too, the red gene is with us, I didn't get it but some of us did. :) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

With Zuzu's orchids along with your words what an awesome combination this would make if flowers in this life could sing. I am humming the tune as I type. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

Yeah me too - it's the lower angle, like you're almost going under the lilly pads, which then also gives just the reflection of the lillies, without a reflection of the conservatory's ceiling (I think this lets one see the flowers as opposed to little glass windows geometrically breaking up the image.) It's a hard place, I think, to photograph inside - because the building is beautiful from the outside but interferes negatively with most images inside. It's a challenge to find a way to make the architecture enhancing (as opposed to detracting.) But it's why I like the last image better too - the low angle and the reflection not including the ceiling. - Zu

from smashthegas :

You're beautiful, babe :-) Smashxxx

from zuzus-petals :

After the water lillies, they're all orchids. I have more diversity of images, but the bromeliads (sp?) just weren't very spunky (I think they're at the end of their season.) There was an entire room of orchids and admittedly, clearly, the light was best in that room this afternoon. Glad you like them! - Zu

from smashthegas :

Woo! Good news *hugz* Smashxxx

from chaosdaily :

oh good job!! and you cant beat free meds and supplies!

from fightn4life :

I am thrilled your pup is doing much better, sorry Fawn is down with a cold. Mom doesn't even think about taking insulin any more when we go out but I recall a time she feared the thought of what she would do. She makes a trip to bathroom and no one blinks an eye, hope it's not heroin she injects. Only kidding, time all changes take time. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

i do wonder why kids can never find the trash when they are sick and just throw the tissues on the floor...

from madrigle :

any plans to ever meet your lion? that is quiet the impressive corrispondance you have going on. Hugs.

from madrigle :

I hate when my feet get cold. That is the worst! yeah, he is cute. That kiss was honestly just sooooooooooooooo adorable to me. It was priceless. HUGS.!!!!!

from chaosdaily :

hmmm a hot tub in front of a fireplace, with a book and hot chocolate... sounds good to me!

from fightn4life :

Beautiful poem, absolutely lovely. Sandyz

from nicim :

i know i told you before in an email, but i'm going to say it again. i fell in love with his words. and every day, i fall in love again. so yes, it is more than possible. take a deep breath. and take that first single step. he's one plane ticket away. XXOO Anna

from arc-angel666 :

Hi Honeybunny: If you have written a 1000 letters to some one I have a feeling it may just be Love :-) Everyone I have known or heard about that was fallen in Love through letters, emails and long phone conversations before actually meeting seems to be the real thing. Physical attraction and sex are very powerful and because they usually occur way too soon in the getting to know each other process, they cloud the real issues. Through letters and correspondence folks have the tendency to speak from the heart, tell you not only of their passions and goals but of their fears, hopes and dreams. Through these conversations our hearts are formally introduced, we drink in what each other says a seed is planted and it grows. Along with the tickling of each others hearts and the playfulness, we actually get down to the roots of the other person. We get to know them, begin to side with them, exchange ideas and most importantly we become friends. As our friendship grows and we truly realize we know this person, understand them, share certain dreams and are actually willing to strike out together in search of the rest of our lifes we are stunned to find we have actually fallen in Love. Its not an infatuation, the powerful alure of good looks and sex it is a true admiration, a solid friendship and love in its truest form and if everything else works out the Sex will be great too lol. :-)

from fightn4life :

I think LOVE, all those words of love in two years. My vote is true honest awesome love. Sandyz

from pfirsich :

Lightness,or,lightheartedness of the worD crush.

from pfirsich :

I like that lightness of the work crush though.

from madrigle :

yeah, a man that can talk. Oh my gosh, thats hot. HUGS. and yes long hair. on the right guy. it's maddening, in a good way.

from smashthegas :

I know Im a day late but hell, us rockerdudes are slow fuckers at times, LOL - Happy Valentines Day to you too Bo! *much mwahs*

from nicim :

2/12 pretend? us? *whistles innocently* oh, because it's so much fun (and there are so many who haven't figured it out) be good to yourself dear one. and i'm so glad yoshi is doing better. just wake up every single morning and remember to breathe in and out. every single day. Love, Anna (nicim)

from fightn4life :

You can have your whine with out cheese if you like. We all need a self pity party and Lord knows you deserve it. Be kind to yourself and keep in touch with those that make you laugh. Sandyz

from smashthegas :

Yeah, have a cheese and whine party. I hear they're quite good... though I'm more a beer and sex man myself ;-) LOL Hope your eokay babes *hugz* Smashxxx

from pfirsich :

OK,that was funny.

from chaosdaily :

i have some cheddar here.. with dude sick, theres been lots of whining going on!

from chaosdaily :

great news!

from chaosdaily :

hmm an empty cookie tin would work for the surprise package.. just make sure to wipe off any finger prints haha

from zuzus-petals :

Rice and low fat cottage cheese might help his tummy and firm things up. Also, I find Greenies really help bind things up for Secret. I've just totally fallen in love with that black dress sock look that the men had going. There was a time I thought it looked wholly ridiculous... now I find it really fetching and hip. I love the patterns on their swim suits too... so very sixties. - Zu

from zuzus-petals :

I adore the picture of the Yosh-meister! Look what a handsome, healthy Yoshi-Cookie-Pumpkin-Cutie he is! ((I think June Clever was in the pantri, baking cookies and giving birth before refreshing the peanut tray!?!?! Wierd, huh? It's like they were children playing dress up.. but they all had real babies!))

from fightn4life :

I was thrilled while catching up with your entries your little pup is home. I backtracked to the last day I read your entries and was heart sickened thinking you may lose your pup. Thank God prayers were answered; more are on the way praying your little angel will be with you for many more years. Sandyz

from madrigle :

Oh my gosh! I'm so glad he is home! you might look into a dog food that contains salmon or flax. Omega three is a fairly powerful natural antiinflamatory that might assist the prednizone. HUGS.

from zuzus-petals :

WELCOME HOME BIG GUY!!! YAY the Yosh-monster!

from arc-angel666 :

I am truly sorry to hear about your friend Yoshi. I had to put down my two friends (Dogs) Ditto and Coco they were sister and lived with me for 13 years. I didn't want to but I had to put them down because their cancer was so bad. Sometimes at night I feel them at the foot of my bed or I'll hear them scamper down the hall playing like they use to. Should the worst happen, remember Yoshi loves you as much as you love him. Its funny they cross over but stay really close to their loved ones. You can feel their presence.

from smashthegas :

You and Yoshi and your daughter are in my thoughts and I hope you get a light at the end of the tunnel with all that you have going on right now babe. Smashxxx

from chaosdaily :

im sorry about yoshi...

from pfirsich :

Maybe you can ask your relatives for money or something? Maybe you could post a picture on an animal lover�s message board and beg for money,just like for one dollar or two.In a way so people don�t think it�s a hoax...that�s probably the hardest part.Just don�t let the dog die!!! Yesterday I wanted to drive out of the driveway with our car,and someone is coming out of out store,it�s an old man and he has his little dog on a leash,but he doesn�t hold it,the dog is walking in front of him,dragging the leash behind him.I don�t know why the (older) man didn�t pick it up! He had the flower bouquet in one hand,but the other one was empty!! I�m like:??? Then he lets the dog just walk on the street,when cars are coming!! It�s a main street! With faster cars.The car stopped,but the man was so easy going with it,you know,just expecting the cars to stop and pretending not being able to pick up the leash or something.I�m like:what�s that!! I was really ready to get out of the car and pick the leash up for him or something to make sure the dog doesn�t get killed.Oh my GOD,you know? The man was so CARELESS! I was really already putting the gear in halt to get out on the street.But then the owner of the car come that was blocking my drive way,so I paid attention to that then.

from fightn4life :

You're not weird just a neat way to interact with your daughter. I have today at work to think of five weird things about me�hum, should be easy. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

I think everyone thinks better of their fifth thing...

from smashthegas :

You're in all my thoughts, bo-bo. I'm not a praying dude, but I'll send one up for you anyway and hope it does ya some good *mass hugz* Smashxxx

from zuzus-petals :

Oh bullocks.. what rotten timing to send you that poem. The thyroid is a tricky creature.. it may be all well and fine even still. My thoughts are with you.

from zuzus-petals :

See the post titled "For Boann7" (it's either the most current entry or the one before - it's the first elegy. Read is seven times.. or maybe an hundred.) - Zu

from madrigle :

I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. Hugs

from zuzus-petals :

AH.. thanks for the encouraging word! I like that too.. how the edges blur - the differences between mushroom and sky, life and death, a marsh and the land, are so fuzzy. I like that too. I've been meaning to ask you, do you know Rilke's Elegies? - Zu

from chaosdaily :

its perfectly safe.. no reactions with diabetes, unless you get too stressed! hang in there, its an easy test....

from arc-angel666 :

Good Evening Boann: I noticed two photos above your entries, which are you...the Lovely Butterfly or the Beautiful Redhead? I have as of late been reading your diary, I find myself enjoying it immensely. I am sorry for your physcial pain and troubles. You have a kind and sweet heart and I enjoy your words, the world is a better place because of folks like you.

from fightn4life :

I read your entry about turning 50, and loved it. I feel so much the same way you do during this aging process. My heart is with you as you enter another difficult time in your life, prayers of comfort are being sent your way. My mom is insulin dependent diabetic, in the beginning she was saddened, now it is just a way of life for her. She is also a breast cancer survivor, thank God for the miracles of modern day health care. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

you're right, it likely is only the beginning. i used to do thryroid scans, and your description of them is right. there arent many other thyroid tests to do, other than blood tests. ill keep a good thought that these are cysts rather than tumors... hang in there!

from madrigle :

I had no idea, Boann. I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Many, many hugs, James.

from fightn4life :

I loved this entry, I look forward to reading your back entries. Thank you so much for you kind words during this trying time. sandyz

from candoor :

read your comment to me as if I wrote it to you, especially the last line... you are so wise... and I finally have some sort of maybe interpretation of your dream for you... ---torn between wishing that yesterday turned out better than it did and fearing that tomorrow might not turn out as well as you hope it will, you just want to get away from any decisions, but you know that turning you back on decisions leaves you naked and vulnerable, so you know it's time to wake up... of course I'm just guessing here :)

from zuzus-petals :

The lily.. it's like an ice cream swirl, isn't it? Like you really could just fall into the vortex of that creaming center and get swept away, deep into the heart of spring.. and never, ever, return. - Zu

from candoor :

*HUG*

from madrigle :

Hmmm, my first and imediate thoughts about the dream are that you are running away from him because you do not want to experience the grief of loosing him again. Your dream self is trying to protect yourself from the grief. Possibly this is more about lion then about earth dragon. You like earth dragon, but subconciously are afraid of the pain of the possible loss of lion. Rambling. hugs to you.

from zuzus-petals :

Re; the whole gender confusion stuff.. it doesn't bother me so much - I'm not offended.. except when the assumer does so on the basis of what they perceive as intelligence... and then ascribe that attribute to male.. that's sad and tragic and awful and backwards... but I don't think that's what made other's reach the same conclusion. Mostly I don't find it offensive, however... -Zu

from pfirsich :

Haha,dreams are sooo interesting,but I don�t know what the hell this one meant.It was cute how you said he was more buff.I often had dreams where I had no privacy,and,I wasn�t only frustrated,and I could never walk away;I always had people in MY ROOM and couldn�t get them out.They were just there,you know,having a ball,taking it easy.In real life I always HATED it when the relatives and their children came here.Cause they woudl spend zero attention to our stuff.Cause they didn�t pay attention to their own stuff either.AND they are dirty when they eat.Like,spill everything and mix food and make the chocolate cream glass chocolaty on the outside.And make a big mess around them where they eat.Yeah,only the mum�s side.My dad only has his brother left and somehow he doesn�t make much contact.----Yeah,so,funyn with the husband,I just don�t see,I mean:why did you have to marry him again? Did someone make you? Oh,or did HE want you to? Haha! Men!

from smashthegas :

Aww I love you babe, hehe youre so cool. I'll remember "that boann business" till my dying day LOL *hugz* be cool babe, smashxxx PS I'm going to start looking at your archives soon cos your words are excellent.

from chaosdaily :

is it airfare you need for travel? go directly to the airlines, they usually have specials if you book 3 weeks or more in advance. i flew from chicago to san diego for less than $200.....

from chaosdaily :

could just be cysts... dont worry...

from f-i-n :

gorgeous words

from hissandtell :

Darling, I'm enjoying your words and poetry enormously, as always. I'm sorry you've been feeling a tad poorly, and I'll be thinking of you on Thursday. (You've actually inspired me to dig out Seals and Crofts, too...) Look after yourself. Love, R xxx

from candoor :

a random hug, just cuz, as I rush out to work :)

from fightn4life :

I needed to read the message I wrote to you about dealing with grief before leaving this morning. When we get back I want to reread again your entry for today, I feel many of the same things about ageing, I was born 1952, late October. My mind is a bit scrambled this morning, but something connected with this entry. Please do not delete it. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

we are here to listen... so write as much as you want

from f-i-n :

hugs for you

from fightn4life :

(wishing you peace) I can be an idiot. :) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

So much love and many prayers are headed your way. I hope you find the bridge that helps guide you across the sea of grief. I can say it is a long way and many times you will step back across, but time does heal as well as many tears help cleanse the soul. Try to remember that as we grieve the Lord suffers with us. I recall sitting along side the road in my car not able to drive as sadness had over come me. I felt a presence and a feeling of "you are not in pain alone, I am with you always." I will never forget that moment and during times I feel my steps will falter I bring back that awesome message. Wising you peace. Sandyz

from candoor :

*hug* for Jan 10th

from fightn4life :

Some times words are better left unsaid, when pain of loss is unbearable. One day when the heart starts healing the words as yours have will flow. Some days are better than others. My thoughts are with you. Sandyz

from candoor :

I wish there was an easy way to get throught the losses and challenges of life, but I know of none... you care cared about and I send hope and healing energy...

from arc-angel666 :

Ms BoAnn: Thank you for the kind words, they are appreciated. This evening I have spent a moment or two reading some of your entries. You seem to be a kind Woman with sensitive and good Heart. If my Heart ever heals and I make it through this horrible time I think I shall read your diary on a regular basis. There is something comforting in your words. Once again thank you for your kindness. Respectfully Michael

from madrigle :

Hey, thanks again. I'm sorry you are having a rough day. I didn't use a filter, well I did use a polarizing filter, other then that my camera has several auto settings. I believe I took pictures in landscape mode, and in dusk/dawn mode. Not sure which one this was the result of. the others have a distinctly desaturated look to them. Hugs, and hopeing you feel better soon. James

from pfirsich :

Aw,boann,what�s the matter?

from madrigle :

Thanks! Do you know about the artist site, wetcanvas? It's a pretty great community. Anyways, I hope your week is going great! Hugs to you.

from zuzus-petals :

I'm pretty sure there WERE fairae's (or gnomes) dancing beneath the gills... it's magical place!

from fightn4life :

I pray this New Year will be a melody you may dance to. My thoughts are with you. Have a safe trip and be glad for the times your little one can tell you all her childish dreams and trust you with her fears. You are her safe haven, sleep well with those thoughts in our heart. Sandyz

from candoor :

hoping each year continues to get better and 2006 is your best year yet :)

from fightn4life :

Seems we both were in thought provoking moods and wrote about it. I loved this entry. Thanks for sharing your insight and depth. Sandyz

from smashthegas :

Hey babe got your note, if you can call it that, hehe. I'll come back and check your diary later, if I may. Merry Christmas, bo! smashxxx

from fightn4life :

My God, I feel for you, I could have written the first part myself. I too suppressed years of writing and kept a hidden diary. Writing was discouraged as well as speaking up, "children are to be seen not heard." I never did become the "writer" as in making a living writing although if I had the time that is part of my dream. My first poem was born when a kitten we had was poisoned by our neighbor, my diary took flight, and I was 9 or 10 years old. I think it is awesome your father is now beginning to write, you are an inspiration. Sandyz

from rosedewitt :

hey i just joined godessfaith... m nit sure how long the diary ring has been going on but i was hoping we can be friends. and yes im a chick...so no worries... lol Kara

from fightn4life :

So graceful, beautiful and deep. I wish you peace. Sandyz

from candoor :

I wonder, sometimes, what I am waiting for - or if I am even waiting... I think maybe I just stopped looking (and got lazy)... thoughts inspired by your diary: your positivity and hope shines through even during your darkest cycles, even when you might not see it... your Fawn sounds like a intuitive nurturer, a beautiful quality... your diary is strong emotion, but ultimately, life, and that is good... remember to love yourself more, especially with her :)

from fightn4life :

I too wonder if there is a relationship that is comfortable and peaceful, I love alone time, even with hubby here I still long for the quite me time. This entry is comforting you sound at peace with yourself. I pray this peace within you helps you through he holidays. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

That is what happens when I sit back reflect and think, always thinking. Thanks for the hug. :) Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Such truth to your message, difficult as it seems at times the answer's lay within your entry. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Thank you so much for your sweet note. Every day I feel better minus this blasted headache which they say is normal. I feel very blessed so I will not complain. Yesterday at work was better than my first day back but I am so glad I have three off days. I contemplated working an extra day but decided it might not be wise. I need time, time is good. :) I have to say this again...I LOVE THAT POEM. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Lord I loved your poem, I could feel the emotion behind it. You have an awesome gift. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Beautiful, as always your words reach out and touch me. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

Love your recipe for soup; I am going to use it for my left over turkey adding a few favorites of my own. This sounds so much better than our sandwiches. I see you joined a born in the 50's club, how awesome. I too was an early 50 born baby boomer. :) No wonder I find such comfort and a connection within your words. Sandyz

from chaosdaily :

thanks for joining my born in the 50s ring! i look forward to reading more of your journal..

from fightn4life :

My thought's and prayers are with you today as I can connect to feelings of loss. My entry today was the last recollection I have of our Thanksgiving before death made an appearance and took my young grandson. This is the first year in many my hubby and I will share the holiday alone, so many will not be with us today as loss comes in many forms. You're right time does heal but a part of you may always feel the void, the loss, it is awesome you share through your gift of expression the journey we travel when we suffer the loss of those we love. Enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving Day and know my thoughts are with you and your young fawn today. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

Yes it makes more sense, is more complete with the entry that follows Caribou Part I (I wonder.. did you not call it part II because you're still waiting for part II?) - Zu

from zuzus-petals :

I couldn't really find the story of the caribou.. or rather, I only found part I (is there a part II?) It wasn't enough of a story to explain how you're sure it's just lust and not love. - Zu

from fightn4life :

How haunting, how beautiful, a connection I feel within your pain through memory of loss. Your words echo through my soul as again realizing the fragile world we exist in. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

That is beautiful. I have reams of poetry I wrote to address grief(s). The writing of it helped me. The writing of it helped a great deal. The reading of yours is a strange and beautiful comfort. The reading of it helps too. -Zuzu

from augustdreams :

I know just what you mean about the mixed feelings of being published. I think it's a sort of fierce mother-bear reaction that writers can't help but have at the thought of strangers judging our creations. As for letting the feelings come, Aph and I send you tail-wags and hugs respectively. It's so hard and painful to stop forcing those feelings away. But we've got total faith in you. I love your layout, btw. So soothing.

from fightn4life :

Your words are gifts share them with the world. I have been touched many more times than I have let you know, some healing, comforting, and many thought provoking. Dry those tears and embrace the world with your gift of words. Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

I've read your 11/3 entry several times.. and feel inadequate with words to convey some kind of .. sympathy.. no.. not that.. support? Sense of sorrow. I'm sorry - it sounds like it was cathartic and awful and maybe long overdue and painful and.. I don't know.. it sounds like no one could ever understand - lonely... and I'm sorry.. and I wish I had words to make it a little less lonely. - Zuzu

from hissandtell :

Darling, I haven't visited here for a couple of weeks and I'm catching up on your recent entries - I'm so very sorry to hear how down you're feeling. I'm thinking of you and sending you my fondest thoughts. Love, R xxx

from zuzus-petals :

I would say that the clumps flowers (which are indeed clumps of several flowers.. you see clumps of I think three in both those I posted... I've seen clumps of seven and more at times) are about the size of a one year old's clenched fist. they're not large, but they're not terribly small either. Maybe those clumps of three are about the size of an old silver dollar (not the new quarter-sized silver dollars.)

from zuzus-petals :

They DO always look like this... though some have more flowers in the clump at the end of a very long, leafless, stem. I think that particular picture is interesting because the ONLY thing in focus are the flowers.. the stem just poked those flowers into a completely unique plane and everything around them is so far back it's blurry.. I have a few pictures of them like this.. I like the end result. I'll repost one I like even more of the same type of flower.. which has a common name of "Blue Ick" or "Blue Dick." We used to mistakening think these were called "Ethurial's spears" - and I rightly liked the mistake a tad bit better then "Blue Ick." - Zuzu

from hamiltonian :

cool aliens quote

from candoor :

hug... I hope you find and focus on the good thoughts, the joy of watching your wonderful daughter grow, proof you have done and are doing a great job as a mom... and people who care and more life to live and the excitement that is still to be... it's not a matter of easy or hard, it's a matter of what to do...

from spring-da1sy :

Goodness-I'm so sorry all the memories have become fresh again. I know you're in a lot of pain. As you know, however, time will heal. You have a wonderful neighbor and a fantastic daughter. Here's a hug.

from zuzus-petals :

Feel free to use it as a desk top, if you want a larger version emailed to you, send me your email address and I'll clean up another one for you. - Zuzu

from fightn4life :

I love todays entry. Meditaion is an awesome way to "see" within yourself. I am getting better at this. Loved how you expressed this. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

My prayers are with you, my heart is with you and your family. Zuzu is right; she will never really "leave" you. I am making a note to write you a note about the woman that was like a mother to me that lost her life to cancer. She taught me to cook, sew, can food, grow a garden, and to love unconditionally. It is a testimony showing how she never left. My grandkids call me Mawmaw. Many thoughts are with you, Sandyz

from zuzus-petals :

My grandmother passed away earlier this year. If all goes well, she'll never really leave you, always hold you close, always bake you pies and teach you how to cook with your heart. If all goes well, you don't grieve her should she leave this planet, you celebrate her - it's testament to how well she taught and loved and how well you learned. So bake the pie she taught you to bake and hold her close for good measure - all things live on no matter what when done just so. - Zuzu

from fightn4life :

Loved your entry,so mesmerizing I read it several times. You have an awesome gift of expression. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

What a wonderful entry...I could feel it. I could feel the pain of loss. Sandyz

from spring-da1sy :

We sometimes need to draw inward to heal, but it's nice to know the best of friends are still there when we come out the other side. I hope you enjoy your conversation. There's a reason she's so much on your mind...

from fightn4life :

My Gosh, your dreams were like mine. I felt like I did so long ago, the old farmhouse, baby at your breast, even the chair in the room. The long ago life I lived, some in my mind, some for real, were the best years of my life. Although so many of those dreams are nothing but ashes scattered under my feet. What a powerful illusion of days gone by, memories in bottle, and a smile that this entry brought to my face reminiscing back to those days when dreaming felt right. (BTW the poem you referred to as "Sitting on a star dust" was hand written in a scrap of paper when I was 16 years old during the Viet Nam war, which my husband ended up going to a year later. I remember that poem best I could and used it as an entry. The underlying meaning to me was profound. Thank you for using it on your profile page. Sandyz

from candoor :

I remember that dream... I'm still a home-art-making hippie heart... I love that picture, just want to climb in and wander through the woods... your words are inspiring... and it's absolutely ok to edit me, even better when I'm credited (I beam at your quoting me :)

from spring-da1sy :

I'm glad you're feeling so good. You sound so serene, and that's wonderful. That was a beautiful entry.

from pfirsich :

Wow-y,that was cool! Hey,I don�t think sex is that much of a "sin" for a man,I think with men it�s that you can�t be in love with noone.

from for-you-only :

I'm very glad you're intertested. I look forward to your contrabutions.

from being-katie :

Well done to you for taking the time that you need and for feeling your grief. I wish I were brave enough to face myself the way that you do.

from candoor :

wow, your emotional honesty touches me... and I've barely scratched the surface...

from fightn4life :

Thank you; I do understand what you are doing. Healing ones heart will pave the way to a better tomorrow. Life moves forward rather we are ready or not. This is your journey; use the gifts that were given to you, as I believe this is what our Lord wants us to do. Some times, it takes a loss to step back and look at life. Sad as it is though tragedy we become stronger and take charge of our lives, just as you are doing now. My prayers are with you. Sandyz

from fightn4life :

I read your entry and was intrigued. I too have dealt with depression over a death. Not my husband, I lost my nine-year old grand child in a split second. My life was in a spin for years. (Still is at times) I have been in the process of writing a manuscript trying to help others through the healing process. Not easy as the waters are murky at times. I too write poetry some within the pages of my diary, and I oil paint. I too feel I do not want to be a maid, used or abused by someone. I longed for an understanding heart that beats with mine. I found that man many years ago but as time passes, my emotions are a bit too much for him. Still we work at our relationship. I find comfort when involved with the artistic side of my being it helps heal the pain. I would love to add you as a favorite if you would not mind. I do understand some of what you are going through. My prayers are with you, Sandyz

from xat :

Yeah, remembering that fear clouds our dreams is important. Me? I remember and forget, forget and remember...I guess that's all part of it, neh? **!X.

from pink-circle :

I've noticed your interest in poetry. (and art?) and I'm sending you this *circle invite* because I think you would be a great member for this group. To join, visit here: http://pink-circle.diaryland.com/abjoin.html ---- for more information, visit here: http://pink-circle.diaryland.com/about.html ----- thanks for your time. ~Pink

from spring-da1sy :

Awesome-thanks for sharing.

from spring-da1sy :

Hello. I clicked, I read, I like. May I add you?

from cunegonde :

that is a beautiful picture on your banner

from curiouoso :

Thanks for checking out my pages. Come back anytime. Curiouoso*

from charwater :

The picture is great.. as say more^^ Ur words almost seem to be nicked from my thoughts. But its different, still. A forest is a lonely picture really.

from f-i-n :

i wish i lived in the woods, just like that picture....

from firechild :

I was lured in by the forest banner. I like your site...simple, but effective. And I'm a big fan of the little dancing faery.

from nicim :

thank you for the note(s). every single one helps. I put the entry up today - even though I wrote it Monday after the "event". I wanted to make sure Findlay, who has access to my diary, would be ok reading something like that. He was, he is, and it is to him I will go. Just 5 more months. XXOO N

from xat :

Thank you for the add--it still astonishes me that people read my words. Is that too silly? Oh well. Share and enjoy~*!X

from theturtle :

I'm here, just ask. Turtle

from selfbiased :

glad to have you aboard. i'll keep an eye on you, though the norseman in me loves your trees... next season is complete. a veil only obscures that which is desirable...

from nicim :

Thank you for adding me to your faves. Look forward to reading you too! XXOO, N

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