messages to dimstar:
(click here to add new message):

from mirrors-lie :
Aw wow. All I can say is: Thank YOU. You're a gorgeous soul.
from freaknuraw :
Gwennie, I miss you so much sweetie. I hope that your ok. I have been reading your diary this morning, and have grown extrememly concerned. I love you, and hope that your doing alright. Take care, and you know I'm here to talk if you ever need me.
from scotvalkyrie :
Oh Gwen, please don't go backwards in your recovery. I will keep praying for you . . . sometimes, part of life is "fake it til you make it". I know that sounds very pat but it usually works. Your husband sounds like a great guy. ((hugs))
from anainsight :
Hey Gwen - just wanted to tell you how much I care about you and that you are really brave. I am so glad you finally got the correct diagnosis - I have every confidence that something can now be done. Please know I am praying for you and sending hugs and healing light your way. Peace, and Lots of Love from way down here in Georgia! (((hugs)))
from scotvalkyrie :
Hey kiddo, durn those doctors, eh? They muck about for months making a pincushion out of you and then they say, "well, if you had told us about this sooner" . . . !!!! Phooey, I say. I hope you're feeling good today, and you'll be in my thoughts. ((hugs))
from just-fine :
I love you Gwen. I am so sorry this has been such a hard year. I am here if you need to talk. Think i owe you a facebook message anyway, i am sorry. I miss you, i miss everyone here, it's odd coming back to the repeat of 'updated more than 6 months ago' on my buddy list. I am glad you wrote, but i wish things were better for you. You deserve so much better angel xxx
from brilleetoile :
I was thinking about you the other day. Wondering how you were doing. I'm glad for an update to know that you are doing well :)
from enurta :
I haven't forgotten about you. i never will. keep writing, venting is a good thing. you will be in my prayers. xxx
from anainsight :
Oh Gwen - I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you didn't have my username and password. I had to lock because this friend of mine who uses my computer was reading my diary, and we had a fight and I got mad at her and locked it so she couldn't get in. Would you please, please note me with your current e-mail so I can give it to you? I actually have several different e-mail addresses on file for you but I don't know which one is current. I will delete your note off my notes page as soon as I get it, so don't worry about spam. Like I said, I'm really glad you're doing better and I hope you'll continue to keep us posted with what's going on with you. Sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from just-fine :
Gwen, your amazing, i hope you know that. x
from anainsight :
Oh, hon, I'm so glad to see that you are updating about what's going on with you again. Your little stories were very moving, but I kept wishing you'd tell us how you were doing. I just wish that when you were going through your weight struggle that you would have come here and told us, we could have supported you. I'm so proud of you because you have come so far, and I just want to say to you, keep it up. I know it is a struggle - believe me, I know - but we can make it if we try. I hope you'll stay in touch more often. Sending you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from mirrors-lie :
Hey girl. I WANT to die. If you care about me, you'd want it too. What kind of friend would want me to continue on this horrible path? Sorry, but that's how I see it.
from just-fine :
Hey honey, i was just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? I haven't heard from you in a while...hope you are okay. xxx
from muchado87 :
Hello, my name is Justine Blanchard. I am the editor-in-chief of Drake Magazine, an award-winning, student-run publication at Drake University in Des Moines, IA. I am writing a feature article about Diabulimia. I found your Diaryland profile off of a site called Diabolical: Diabulimia. (Just wanted to let you know in case you were wondering) Anyway, the reason why I'm contacting you is because I would like to interview someone who has been through this disorder so I can make the article as well-rounded as possible. I understand that this is a very personal matter, so if you are not comfortable talking with me, that's ok. Please know that if you preferred, I could only use your first name in the article to protect your privacy. I would appreciate you letting me know either way, but I would love to get your input on the article. Please contact me at drakemag@yahoo.com. Thank you.
from ethereal-red :
Thanks. :)
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I'm glad to know there's someone other than me who finds the holidays difficult. It's tough to be alone. But we will make it, I'm determined to go do what I planned today. I am thinking of you and sending you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from mirrors-lie :
Hey there, I still haven't gotten around to opening an email account so I'm sorry I keep sending you notes. I'm doing pretty badly right now but this whole internet thing is keeping me going. And lets just say I am nowhere near being hospitalised again, I am FAT AS. I might look into re-registering at TF coz I miss it so much. You've been so good to me, I really appreciate it.
from luxelady :
thanks for the add - i added you too! xx luxe
from adipose :
Thank you for your concern. I am actually doing much better- I have a locked diary on livejournal and a myspace page. (Adia Gatewood) Thank you- I totally wish you the best.
from mirrors-lie :
Thank you so much for caring about me, I loved your messages and I'm sorry for worrying you. Are you still on TF? I can't get in and I was wondering if you could find out if my username still exists or what's going on. I know it's been ages but I didn't expect to be deleted.
from amazinfuckup :
Hahaha, yeah, it's easily one of the most embarassing stories I have, but not sharing it would be such a huge disservice to everyone!
from anainsight :
Your latest entry pulls at my heart strings so much because in the last six months or so before my mother died I had much the same situation - she had become addicted to sleeping pills and she was nothing but a shell of her former self. Even though I was her caretaker, I also felt like her pusher. It's like she cared more about the pills than she did about me, and if I didn't give them to her (they were all legally prescribed, but she didn't NEED them, they made her so groggy she couldn't walk without falling), she would scream at me and yell and threaten me. Those days were just awful. Oh well, just wanted you to know I completely understood how you feel about your mom, I felt the same way with mine. Hope you get the money situation straightened out. (((hugs)))
from just-fine :
Thanks sweetheart, your support means so much to me. I am holding on. I am so proud of you and so happy your sugars are so much better now - your amazing to me because i know how difficult this fight is. I just checked and i did get it, will try to reply either tonight or sometime tommorrow. It made me smile to see your name in my inbox again :).
from enurta :
If you cannot have children, maybe you can adopt? Don't be sad. If it isn't meant to be, it isn't...we cannot do anything about it. That's life I guess :/ Love you! <3
from ethereal-red :
Stay strong, Gwen! <3 I believe in you and I know that you can get past this and continue on in recovery. And you're right, it sure is difficult...
from wong-k :
aww, thanks :) i'm over it though haha wong ♥
from just-fine :
I completely agree, i think we were both found it too hard to see the other suffering, and accept it, if that makes sence? I still care for you too, i always have done. I always wished that one day we could come to some sort of truce. I felt like i lost a hell of a lot when our friendship broke. I didn't get your e-mail :(. Might have deleted it by mistake if it went into my junk mail folder. I would have replied straight away had i read it. Do you still have it in your sent folder? If so, and you want me to read it still, try sending it to claire*bear*elizabeth@*hotmail.*com (remove the stars). Take care Gwen x
from just-fine :
p.s: I read those comments and i am angry for you. That person obviously has no idea what they are talking about. You are far from a failure and i am glad you were able to stick up for yourself in the recent entry.
from just-fine :
Thank you. That means a lot to me. x
from wong-k :
I know this is a struggle, your first attempt didn't work but you can still try. Gaining weight is normal especially since your body isn't used to all this food. When you stop smoking, you gain weight, it's normal. At least that's one less thing that will kill you, right? I think you can do it, it's a hard struggle but you're halfway there. Keep up the good work and think positive. Don't listen to all the negative feedback. Wong
from just-fine :
Keep fighting. I hope oneday it will get easier, i really do. Your strong Gwen, you have been to hell and back and come through it, you should really give yourself credit for that. x
from anainsight :
You are so, so smart to be able to recognize what your cycle is (restrict, restrict, restrict, binge). That's me, too, esp. since Linda went out of town. I went into such a deep depression when she left that I even quit going to go work out. I was so paranoid of gaining weight that I started restricting like a madwoman, and sure enough, what happened? I started gaining weight. I didn't really pay any attention to it because the bad feelings of wanting to cut had returned and I had to fight that so hard. But I'm going to start eating my meal plan again even if it kills me, and I'm also going back to work out. I don't care how hot it is (and it's been in the 100's this past week). Just remember how far you've come. That's part of my problem; I forgot. I love you bunches! (((hugs)))
from china88 :
Hi, I'm new here...I just found your diary and stuff...I'm also diabetic and I skip my insulin...pretty much the same...so I know how it feels, I just wanted to stop by your "message wall" and say hi, I hope you're doing alright, take care :)
from tfrunner262 :
Hey Gwen, wow it's been a while and I hope you're doing well!! I was wondering if I could get the username/p-word info. My e-mail is TRAKgirl(AT)yahoo(DOT)com, I'll send you mine too. ((hugs))
from anainsight :
Hey sweets, I've missed you and would love to know how you're doing. If you don't mind me reading your diary, send me the password at zippityfeets(AT)yahoo(DOT)com. Hope you're doing well. Me, I'm doing basically OK, not that I don't have setbacks but overall I can't complain. Hope to hear from you! (((hugs)))
from just-fine :
i hope you donn't mind me commenting..i just wanted to say that i often think of you, and hope your okay. if you don't want me reading your diary i understand but i'd love to know how your doing...if you don't mind could you e-mailme the username/password? I think you have my e-mail, if you haven't anymore you could use just-fine@diaryland.com (don't want to leave mail addy here incase it comes up in google searches). I do hope your doing well. Claire x
from enurta :
are you alright? it's been a while since you updated. I've been reading your old entries...from the beginning. I read a couple of entries every day but today your diary was locked. why?? has something happened? can you please e-mail the user/pass to deadpassive@hotmail.com? thanks. take care of yourself. <3
from caged-freed :
Hey, this is just a note to let you know that I'm trying to resurrect C.A.G.E.D. - and I really hope you'll contribute. Check out the updated info, and take care!
from banefulvenus :
Really loved your site! : )
from anainsight :
Hey there, I hope the reason we're not hearing from you is the fact that for some reason you can't log in to d'land (technical difficulties) and not that anything else has gone wrong. anyway. Hope you're doing well, miss hearing from you. peace!
from amazinfuckup :
It gets easier. I mean, it takes a while to get over addictions, but you'll get there. Just... don't lose hope, okay? <3
from anainsight :
Hey there. Ignore that ignoramus. I am so glad to know you are doing so well. I'm doing somewhat better myself, although the "life situation" is not so swift. But still fighting, still determined. I'm so glad you are too. I'm thinking of you and send you a whole lot of love from way down here in Georgia. peace!
from frisky69 :
Well all I can say, is that's pretty shitty that you could do someth'n like that to yourself, but whatever floats your boat. All i can say really, is that God made you for who you are. It was a gift, not a noth'n so stop feeling sorry for yourself and feel sorry for the ones that love you, 'cause they are going through it to, and can't help you all the way. That's your doing!
from anainsight :
I am so thrilled about you and Kyle! (((Hugs))) I hope you will be very happy and I hope you will get your computer fixed soon. Isn't it funny how we can't live with them and we can't live without them (computers, I mean). I send you a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from imanobody00 :
OMG!!! ENGAGED?!?! CONGRATULATIONS GWEN!!!!!! I'm glad you are doing so well! I'm just so happy for you! I miss you on here and I hope you get your computer fixed sometime soon. Hope to hear from you sometime soon... ((lotz of hugz))~Charity
from genuine-risk :
baby, I'm glad you are doing well. So glad! I'm sorry I missed you on AIM. I think about you all the time. xoxoxoxo.
from just-fine :
Gwen, are you okay? I hope this absence is for a good reason. x
from genuine-risk :
How are you doing honey?
from zencelt :
I remember those days so well. Afraid to make a peep, and knowing deep down that if I spoke up, everyone would know what a loser I was. Or that they'll see all my secrets in my eyes. What I did was make consious decisions to make myself seen in public, follow through, then sit alone for a bit and notice that being seen didn't kill me. It was a very slow process for me, but after a while, I added a mental "And Fuck You while I'm at it..." at the end of whatever it was I as saying to reaffirm that I had as much right to be seen and heard - even if I made a flaming ass of myself - as everyone else. I have to admit, years later, I am now a woman who has some trouble keeping her mouth shut. Anyway, I have really enjoyed, if that's an appropriate word, watching you grow and become more and more the woman you will be when you open yourself completely to the world. You've taught me much about my own eating disorder, and given me inspiration to lessen my grasp on it more and more. Take care -
from alexiaaa :
Amen to that. I completely agree with everything you said in your last entry. Glad to hear your doing better. keep up the good work - i wont be coming back, im saying goodbye to my eating disordered world forever and i couldnt be happier about it!
from genuine-risk :
At times like this you have to make a point to remember exactly what your life goals are, the ones that don't include losing weight and calories and purging. What do you want to be? Who do you want to meet? Where do you want to travel? Do you want to get married? Where do you want to live? What good things do you want? Those things will vanish if you are sick and dying. You have been through illness so many times honey, that right now the fine line between living and dying is nearby. You are still vlunerable - take care of yourself, and refresh that iron will of yours. You can do this.
from genuine-risk :
You always were and still are my hero.
from tenebrosity :
Heya Gwen. I am so happy to hear how well you are doing and so very proud of you. You have made amazing accomplishements in the past few months and totally deserve a happy and fulfilled life. Luvya girly. Clare xxx
from genuine-risk :
Slightscream - just wanted to let you know that I tried to leave you and note and a comment and you don't have either feature turned on, so there is no way for anyone to communicate with you via Diaryland. Sorry to hijack your notes Gwennie. xoxxo
from genuine-risk :
You are incredible!!! I am so proud. How are your sugars? Mine have been much better. I am working so hard to keep them in check....just got a new meter, and I am doing major record keeping. Love you.
from slightscream :
Hi Dimstar, I may have written to you before. I see you lead the diabetic/eating disorder "ring". I myself have both, and really need support! But when I click to read other people's diaries, I usually get an error page. Can you help me with this? I hope you are doing well. My diary is "slightscream" if you care to read. Take care. Thanks, Elizabeth
from genuine-risk :
It's so hard Gwennie....but this is what you have been working for...to survive and do well in spite of their dysfunction. Don't forget that you are a flower growing out of the sidewalk. You are winning in spite of incredible odds. Let that inspire you. Feel proud. I love you.
from anainsight :
Tell your brother to stick his head up his own ass. No, wait - obviously it's already stuck up there because he hasn't seen the sun in ten years. Who the hell is he to tell you who is and isn't welcome in your mother's house? Just show up and tell him to go F*** himself.
from anainsight :
Hey Gwen, I love the pictures. Thanks for your sweet note. Listen - go read my latest entry. You will freak out. I've never had something that strange happen to me before. Post some more pix. I send you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from genuine-risk :
I adore your pictures. You are just too fabulous. I love you honey. I think of you every day even if we don't talk.
from imanobody00 :
I'll be alright, I always am. You dont have to worry about me. Oh and I just saw your pics... YOU ARE SOO GORGEOUS!!! I hope you see that now ~Take care hon
from homerismygod :
Gwen, I am so happy to see you back! I'm sorry that things are rough right now, I'm proud that you keep your chin up :)
from whystinger :
I clicked in on your banner. I snooped around a bit. You are pretty and I enjoyed sneaking a peak at your diary. You should call a local doctor (md) or something to get your lexapro prescription filled. It will help you. If you need it, here is a good resource, www.NAMI.org. Check it out. I went to their meetings for some education and it has helped my family greatly.
from infinityfye :
Crying is not weakness, it's just letting out what you're keeping inside. just don't cry infront of anyone :P, You are intelligent and determined, you may not have had the time to be exactly outgoing but you can change that.
from ethereal-red :
Gwen, I am so proud of you... you're dealing with some nasty shit with your mom and other things but you're managing to do better with the eating disorder and insulin manipulation. I think so much of you no matter how you're doing. You mean the world to me and I can't even describe how happy I am that you are hanging on and doing better.
from anainsight :
Hi, thanks for your sweet note. I answered your "five odd things about me" quiz. I don't know how odd they are but hey, I did my best. I wish you could see my little toy poodle. She wants me to quit typing and take her for a walk. I would be happy to teach you how to drive but you would probably get a lot of tickets if you drove like me. We drive real different here in Georgia. I have a feeling that I would probably get put in jail if I drove in California like I do here at home. Yeah, I take Lantus both in the morning and at night. But I don't know whether it's the Lantus or the Humalog that keeps me under better control. Keep posting and go get that license! Kika sends you lots of poodle kisses.
from imanobody00 :
Stay strong Gwen!! You are amazing and I'm so proud of you!!! ((HUGS)) ~Charity
from genuine-risk :
I love you so much my little dimmy. Your note made my day. Stay strong - you can do this. xoxoxoxoxo.
from anainsight :
Hello, I am so glad you are learning to live with your feelings. It's a sucky thing. I've got a new therapist and she makes me feel, and some of it is awfully nasty. But I think if you can learn to enjoy the good ones, then maybe you can learn to deal with the bad ones. I hope so, anyway! And don't worry about that 30 bucks. Budgeting is hard at first, you'll get the hang of it. Just be thankful you have a new car with a warranty. Mine's 7 years old and currently in the shop. So glad to see your posts and know that you're doing better. I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from ethereal-red :
Where are you?
from scotvalkyrie :
TAG! You're it! Go visit my diary to get the details.
from genuine-risk :
I know you can get out this time Gwennie. You are powerful. You will make it - don't let her dysfunction pull you somewhere you don't want to go. I am so proud of you and love you.
from ethereal-red :
It's good that your mom is better but definetly not good that she's taken up the role of queen of the family. You work your ass off and it's never good enough for her. In a way it reminds me of my eating disorder. Hang in there, Gwen, and keep remembering that the only way you will get out of this hell is by trying to keep away from the diabulimic urges and pulls. When everything is final, everything is done- you will be free from the agony of living with your mother, and as free as you can be (which, for you, I hope is completely free) from your eating disorder. You will be free. I hope and do my version of praying for that for you every day. You have my email address. Vent and scream all you want to it. I'm here.
from infinityfye :
happy new year...
from infinityfye :
Hey congratiolations for your new car, I'm sure you'll do great in the test. May the force be with you...
from ethereal-red :
Your new car sounds awesome! I've had my license for a few years now, but am unable to drive right now due to some of the effects of the ECT. Oh well. I'm mastering the city bus system... I am so sorry about your mom. Every time I read something about her I feel like crying. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. I wish I could send you a magic wand to make her all better. Nobody should have to take care of their mother when they're 20 years old and the mother is losing her mind. Nobody.
from emaciana :
congrats on your new car! mine's red too! how come you didn't get your license before your car?
from infinityfye :
I wish there was anything I can do to help... sorry
from gyka :
well, i just want to say that you are such an incredible strong person. i'll pray for you and your family.... take care please!!
from anainsight :
Today I was thinking and I thought of you and I wished on a star that it would shine on you and bring you the Merriest of Christmases ever! I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from genuine-risk :
Love you so much and I am thinking of you today. You are so dear to me.
from pixydarling :
Hey there! I read that you are going to be in Chicago, please let me know if we can get together! Kisses! -Myra=)
from emaciana :
happy holidays, merry christmas! glad to hear you updating and i'm glad that your blood sugars are okay and so are you. take care!
from ethereal-red :
Hey, have you heard anything from Erica (mirror-lies) at all? It's been so long since she's updated.
from genuine-risk :
I am so happy that you are happy.
from ethereal-red :
Gwen, I am so proud of you. You're working so hard to take care of yourself and are finally seeing some good in yourself. Keep going...
from homerismygod :
I'm thinking of you, Gwen! And I'll be in California Dec 25-Jan 7 :)
from purgingme :
i wish you could could come stay with me. i would welcome you with open arms. im proud and happy for you. and your so right, one foot in front of the other. its all that we can do. xo sharla
from ethereal-red :
Ah, gotta love that Lexapro. I was on that for awhile, but it stopped working for me and I was put on something else. I'm on Luvox (fluvoxamine) now along with several other meds that make up my current combination. I go back to DBT tomorrow... I am both scared and comforted by the thought of that.
from genuine-risk :
Gwen, I am SO PROUD of you! If this would have happened before, you would have done something that hurt you, like b/p, restricting meds and insulin, etc. But this time? Your "listen, lady" comment shows that there is something new about your thinking. I have never seen you respond with such strength and clarity. It is not weak to admit that old coping mechanisms are tempting when something like this happens. There is a long history there. But this time, you know what is right AND you are doing it. I am so proud of you I could burst!!!xoxox.
from zencelt :
Hello. I was just starting to read your diary when you started the Rader program. I'm happy to have you back on my daily reads. I have to tell you, I grew up thinking that I had to love my mother and believe what she said about tme and others, because she said so. I know now, that she was wrong. She was disturbed, mean, and poisonous for me. We don't have to love and believe our mothers any more than we have to love and believe a drug dealor who says that crack is good for us. I think you understadn that, but you still struggle with feeling inferior to her. Lemme tell you, what you have done these last couple months, and your last two entries are undeniable truth that you know that you are smart, beautiful, and deserving of love and support. I absolutely understand how hard it is turn that knowledge into action. But you are headed in the right direction. Your relationship with your sister is separate from your mother. It is none of her business. You do what you feel is right for you. And stay away from that poisonous influence. (Sorry. I'm older and have trouble holding back sometimes.) Anyway, I am very proud of you. And look forward to observing your journey toward a real, fulfilling life. You make me smile.
from ethereal-red :
Shit... that's one of the worst things that could happen right now in terms of building more stability. When I read your last entry, I just froze. I stared at the monitor for a good five minutes, completely blown away. You did not deserve to get kicked out. Her mom needs to start treating her like an adult. But it was so good to see that you're trying to pick yourself up and stay up. You are so strong, so much stronger than I, and I really admire your resolve, really admire you throwing your whole self into getting better and continuing to grow instead of fall. You still mean the world to me when you're falling- nothing could ever take that away, nothing can change the way I think about you, not your sugars, not your bingeing and purging, not you skipping your insulin: NOTHING. I smile, though, when you have something good happen in your life, because you deserve every ounce of happiness that comes your way. Hang on. You have worked so hard to get where you are now. Don't let that messed up mother make you fall. She doesn't deserve to have that power.
from ethereal-red :
I am so happy for you. I mean that with all of my heart. I hope with everything I have that you will stay better, that you will have a life worth living. You deserve the best the world has to offer, you always have. I am so proud of you. You offer me so much hope.
from genuine-risk :
Beautiful. Just beautiful Gwennie. Don't ever forget what you wrote down in this diary today. I always knew you could do this, and I will never stop believing in you. It is a true joy and blessing that you are feeling and thinking this way.
from imanobody00 :
You will get throught his honey. You are amazing.
from purgingme :
you can do this. dont look back. i love you. xo sharla
from just-fine :
Gwen, take that happiness and run with it, you deserve to feel it so very much. I mean it. I can imagine how difficult it has been and i am really proud of you. You have always been strong, and i hope you can see that now. Claire x
from anainsight :
Oh! How wonderful to hear from you! It is so good to read that you are happy and doing well. Keep it up - not for me, not for your family or any of your friends, but for YOU. That is the main reason. Go to my diary and read my Dec. 1st entry. My little poodle Kika sends you lots and lots of poodle kisses. And I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from infinityfye :
Hey, welcome back... of course everything will work out.
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie!!!!!! I have missed you so much. I'm glad things are looking up for you and treatment was a good experience. Thank you for your note. Don't worry about me - I am ok. This diary is the place for the worst confessions anyway, so it doesn't give an accurate picture of my life. Did you get the emails I sent? I love and miss you - please stay in touch. xoxox.
from homerismygod :
always thinking of you xx
from purgingme :
gwen, i hope your ok, you havent writen in so long. im worried about you. i would send a letter or something but i dont know where you are at this point. but i do wish from the bottom of my heart that you are well and recovering and being your beautiful self. i miss you so much. with all my love xo sharla
from dinangel :
Sweetheart, I just did your survey and decided to check out your profile/diary. I hope things get better for you. I hope that you can overcome the eating disorders and live free again. I will pray for you...
from genuine-risk :
I miss you so much and am always worrying about you...I hope you got my letter and emails. I love you and know you can do this no matter what obstacles jump up in your way. xoxoxo.
from purgingme :
girl you are a champ! Ip i know sucks but your health is so important, it makes our bodies go.... im thinking of you. i love you so much. your gonna get better and im gonna come see you and things will be good. i hope i pray (if i prayed). xo sharla
from homerismygod :
Gwen, I'm so proud of you and am always thinking of you!
from ethereal-red :
I'm so happy you posted. I've been worrying so much about you. I hope you got the card I sent. You'll get more mail from me. I'm sorry you're back inpatient, but it must have been a necessary step. I know you have the strength to dump this eating disorder if you want to. You are always in my thoughts and I miss you so much even though I don't know you in person.
from infinityfye :
I'm so glad you got a chance to write... I'm happy for you, keep up and may the force be with you.
from genuine-risk :
You can do it girl!!!
from purgingme :
in now you wont get this note for a while but i just wanted to let you know that i love you so much and i will come see you as soon as you are out. i can drive to california no problem! take care. sorry to hear your IP again but your health is #1 right now. dont forget that. xo sharla
from doedoe25 :
I don't know you but I will pray that things get better...You may not know how special you are, but I'm sure you mean the world to more than one person...Don't give up...because they aren't giving up on you!
from imanobody00 :
Hope things are going well for you Gwen! You are beautiful inside and out, I hope you realize that!! Take care honey.
from gyka :
gwen, i pray you continue to do well while in treatment and i hope you are able to see how wonderful and beautiful you are!
from just-fine :
I hope your doing well Gwen. Despite what you may feel for me now you are still regularly in my thoughts. Stay strong.
from genuine-risk :
I don't know if you will get to read this, but I miss you terribly too. I don't have your phone number. I have mail that I will send you today. If you see this will you email me your # again? I love you and I'm so proud of the work you're doing.
from auzstar :
hey gwen...how are you doing? I miss you so much. Remember all the fun we had at cfd??? All the nights we would stay up talking and fooling around??? What about all the late night calls just talking about how crazy life is??? I miss you so much. I hope that you are finding the strength you need to get through this. I am here for you and so is everyone else. We all love and miss you. I admire your courage for always fighting and not giving up. You are an amazing person and deserve to live a happy :)(yes i said happy) life!!! I love you and miss you so much. <3
from ponyluv :
hey, i was just thinking of you. i hope all is well and that treatment is going well. <3 linds.
from gyka :
gwen, i can only wish you the best and that things go your way - you deserve the best. keep smiling - you are so beautiful.
from infinityfye :
May the force be with you and everything turn to be just what you want them to be...
from emaciana :
good luck! you really need this and i'm glad you're going for it. watch out for mail from me!
from imanobody00 :
Good luck on Monday Gwen! Take care of yourself and get better. I will be thinking of you. ((hugs)) ~Charity
from funbeauty :
Gwen, thanks so much for responding to my letter. And I really appreciate your encouragment. It's something that I need to hear. Thanks again for sharing your story and letting me be a part or your life. Love Stacy
from ethereal-red :
I am so glad you are going to Rader. I am so glad they aren't making you wait. I am so glad that you aren't dead. Did you get my email?
from roamany :
You have such a beautiful laguage, and I have sincerely enjoyed reading your diary. I hope everything works out for you, and that this time you make it work. I think enurta was right in saying being away from your mother can only benefit you...you need to resolve yourself, figure out who you truly are. I wish you all the luck in the world. Know that we're all thinking of you. - Thea
from ceresana :
Hey Gwen, it's Andria. I've been following your Diaryland and I'm sorry I haven't really kept in contact with you, but I'd love to write letters while you're in Radar. I don't want to post my address here, but if you want to email me about how to contact you while you're there, my email address is soundcorruption@gmail.com, and I'll email you back with my address. :)
from funbeauty :
Hey Gwen, I left you a note in your comment section but I don't knwo if you got it lol so I'm leaving you something here too. Anyways, I just read your hournal for the first time today. I was surprised by what I read. It was like a day in the life of me. Like yourself I have struggled with an eating disorder since 8th grade. I'm not a senior in high school and I'm tired of this life. I statred out anorexic and then one day I statred eating and I found I couldn't stop, so I controled it with making myself sick. I am somewhere in between right now. Somedays I'm sure I border on crazy and should be put away,a nd other days, the world seems fine. I'm so sorry to hear that all of your life has been THIS. I hate everything I make myself deal with and I woulnd't wish it on my worst enemy. My heart breaks hearing all you've delt with. No one deserves to live everyday in constant worry and pain. Including you...And myself for that matter, I just have to really accept that. While I know you and I are not the only two people with eating disorders, this is the first time I read from someone who's actually dealing with it right now. I immediately identified with you. I just want to know, how do you keep going on? Don't you ever feel like "Why me?" and feel like giving up. I mean, I don't know how many different things I have tried and I'm still here. I don't want this to be my life and I know you don't either. So you are in my prayers. I'm glad you're getting help. Thank you for reading this or atleast skimming this. I don't think that I am anything special or worthy, but thanks for your time. Please get better, one of us should at least. I'd love to hear from you if you have time. The ebst of luck to you! Love Stacy
from celticshadow :
I wish it were that easy...I wish IP actually helped. But it doesn't, really. ALl it does is get me behind, and make my parents freak out again for another 6 months or so. I can't get behind, it's my last chance- literally. If I screw up once, just one quarter, that's it. I can't graduate.
from infinityfye :
Thanks for the comment, the 2 entries were not mine by the way :P, hope everythig gets better for you.
from mirroreyes :
Hi Gwen, It is lindy and no this is not the same posting as all of the others. I didn't quit understand how to post a message and I kind of over did it if you didn't notice by posting like 5 messages of the same context. I am kind of a dork some time so please excuse my insolence. Love lindy
from emaciana :
either one rogers or radar, i am glad you are going to go. you just can't continue to spiral down this path. love, tia
from mirroreyes :
Hi Gwen, I know that we have not talked in a while, however I have been thinking of you daily. I am worried to death about you. The other night I had a nightmare that you died and it was horrible it is like two weeks later and I am still in great shock. Please keep writing because you matter to me and so many other people like Lisa, DR. Lucas, Meredith, and all of your friends that write and I want to know, yes for my sake that you are alive. I realize that the eating disorder is sooooooooo in control and things are so difficult. I don't realize the severity of your pain and I don't know what it is like to be on the brink of death every moment, but I know that this shit is hard to fight. I am here for you whenever you need anything. Please know that. It may not seem like it but I can not deal with losing you. I want you to be well again and I want to be able to come visit and hang out with you and Melissa. I have always hoped that. Accepting help and getting better is harder than anything anyone could imagine, but it is worth it. I am working everyday with lots of support and it is painful to get better in many ways, but in the end it is a lot less painful than what you are doing right now. Please stay tuff and get out of that house and stop seeing your crazy therapist and remember that you have lots of friends. I would love to hear from you when you are strong enough to talk on the phone. PLease call when you can. Love always, Lindy 1(559)709-3593
from alexiaaa :
Hey, thanks for the note you left me.. I am so proud of you for getting help and going IP, you deserve this so much, more than anyone else i know. Ive been reading your diary for a while and you are really insightfull and i know your stronger than this disorder. Please let them help you regain your life. Goodluck ((hugs))
from ethereal-red :
I can't remember who my therapist was. The ECT affected my long term memory as well as my short term memory. I can remember a couple of staff and all the patients I was with that I still talk to or that made an impression on me. I was a rebel then, too. That's why I jumped ship a month early against medical advice. I've never been to Rader, and have no clue what it's like or even where it is. I could never afford long-term inpatient centers, as my insurance refused to cover it and my parents couldn't pay for it out of pocket. I'll send that email now.
from evababy777 :
i also love the chronicales of narnia! did you know they're making them into a movie?
from evababy777 :
haha! i'm glad i made you laugh. i'm never sure if others get my humor. :)
from ethereal-red :
I'm so glad you're getting help! I went to Rogers Memorial Hospital in Oconomowoc, WI during my senior year of high school... I bailed out a month early. Because I left early and was not ready to go home, I relapsed quickly. I wish I had stayed the full amount of time. I wish I could have gone there again my freshman year of college (well, the two weeks I was actually in college) when I was doing very, very badly. Hey- no matter where you go, I want you to write me. I'll email you my home address. I don't want to lose touch with you. I really hope Rogers helps you.
from namastesakhi :
i have severe TTM also. have to completely cover my head with bandanas or beanies to keep from pulling. i have no arm hair, or eyelashes, and sometimes i don't have eyebrows. it started at 12 years old and now i'm 24 but still pull uncontrollably. they say it's a life thing and won't ever go away. i'm starting to think they're right.
from zencelt :
Hey there. I found you through your banner. I wanted to tell you that I started getting better when I learned that everyone else could go fuck themselves. I am who I am, I've done what I've done, and if they don't like what they see, they can shove it up their collective asses. That includes mothers, who, for the record, are not entitled to our love and care. She is NOT your responsibility. Take care of yourself dimstar. You come first.
from imanobody00 :
I am worried about you. You are stronger than you realize. I wish you could see how wonderful you are, you dont deserve this. Don't give up hon.
from evababy777 :
are you not afraid to die? why not?
from fatalbreath :
every time. I keep coming back to your diary. it maks me sad. it makes me angry. it makes me confused. you're still around. I think God has better plans for you. I see a lot of how I feel in your words. but I'm not sick. *sigh* I keep praying for you. maybe one day the madness will end. <3
from genuine-risk :
I won't give up on you because I care deeply for you, and I see your potential for greatness, and I know in my core that the strength you need is there within you, even if you don't believe. I will keep reminding you forever. Love you.
from mckushla :
hi. I found your diary through Evababy. I just looked at your pictures. Gwen, you absolutely beautiful. You really are. I know what you are going through though. I had a part of your condition a while back. If you need anything...anything at all. I'm here. Be strong for yourself. -Andrea
from emaciana :
same old thoughts about losing weight, same old promises from the ED, same old same old same old lies. don't fall for it gwen. please...
from genuine-risk :
it's definitely not ok to give up. You are malnourished because your blood sugars are so high that your kidneys are eliminating the nutrients. You don't have to be found dead Gwen. Every moment there is an opportunity to make a good change for yourself. I have seen you do it before and you can do it again. Right now you can do it. You can start today. You need more insulin honey. Try to take more today. Do you remember even how much you should be taking, how much your body needs? Start trying Gwen. I know you can do it. Love you.
from enurta :
I think your mother is pressuring you. When I was living with my abusive family I was severely bulimic, all I did was binge and purge. When I moved out, things changed, now, it's a little bit tricky to manage everything on my own with my boyfriend because I have a hard time sharing my space but I'm doing fine. At least I'm better than before. If you lived by your own I don't think you would binge as much as you do now. I don't know but for some reason bulimia gets worse when you realize that you have to face people. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? I hope what I said made some sense to you. Take care <3
from emaciana :
i agree, you need to get out of your house. throw your attention to something else, like your online classes.
from anainsight :
Gwen, you have GOT to get out of that house. It is killing you. Some time ago you said you were going to look at apartments. What can you do to get out? Your mom is killing you. Don't let it happen. Please. Please let me know if I can help you.
from xredbracelet :
if you're going to keep your journal locked can i please have the user name/password please? i tried the last one you sent me, but it doesn't work any longer so i figure you changed it. cherrycrusade@hotmail.com
from enurta :
I have a question. If you eat as much as you say you do, how can you afford it? Do you live with your parents? And if you do, how can they let you eat all of that food? How can they afford all of this? You must be very wealthy.
from purgingme :
dear gwenny, how much do i love and care for you! i too, wish there was something i could do for you. but all i can do is reach my hand out in friendship and tell you that i have faith in you. dont let yourself go down. i have no right to say go or dont go to treatment do what feels right. i want to see you live. xo sharla
from kristinhank :
hey there. i have been sort of diaryland absent, but will be around in the future. chin up. kristin
from cunegonde :
"only women who have washed thier eyes with tears can see clearly." ~Greek Proverb. Today will be different; maybe not better, but definatley different.
from evababy777 :
i assume you saw my "i dicuss my binging and purging activities..." banner. honestly, not trying to offend or make fun. i know a lot of people who are anarexic and/or bullimic. it's a hard thing to go through and overcome.
from genuine-risk :
I just sent you an email. I love you.
from infinityfye :
If you give up then you really won't make it. I hate quitters, and I don'y think you are one. You just have to figure out a way to see all the beauty instead of all the awfulness.
from infinityfye :
Assholes are to be hated, stepped on, crushed and annhilated but certainly not to be feared.
from genuine-risk :
I'm here. :::hugs::: I love you.
from ethereal-red :
You think I am so open about it. If only that could be true. Here I am open. Here nobody knows who I am, there is no risk in writing in my diary honestly, and I am safe. Outside the internet, I am silent. I'm terrified to say the L word because deep down I am still ashamed of myself. Still wishing I was straight because the fear wouldn't be there. I feel horribly vulnerable, scared and broken. I feel alone even though one of my biggest support people is a bisexual woman. I agonize over telling people- and I've only told seven people. The terror is unfathomable. The pain is bottomless. I wish I wasn't born this way. I wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from.
from genuine-risk :
Honey, you do need help. You at least need to be stabilized before you can start to get better. You have it in you.
from ethereal-red :
Oh, Gwen... I know. I know it all, I've been down the road and partially back many, many times over the last ten years. Everything is horrible when I'm significantly underweight and yet I crave the thinness with everything in my being. I find some perverse pleasure in having my butt hurt from simply sitting down, feeling my protruding hip bones and my concave stomach, counting my ribs... my eating disorder is calling for me. To be honest, I have stopped resisting. I hate my body so much- I'm 140 lbs at 5'3". That goddamn Zyprexa ruined me. My goal weight in the hospital was always 115... and I don't want to weigh an ounce over that. It's odd, isn't it, how we beg each other to fight back, to get help, to get better, and yet we deny ourselves that very same thing.
from genuine-risk :
Gwen, go to the ER. PLEASE go to the ER.
from anainsight :
Thanks for your sweet note. I take 80 units of Lantus every night before bed. Last visit she told me I could up that to 100 units but I haven't been able to do that because I can't afford to buy that much. Right now I can make it through the month with 3 vials. It's $72 a vial. I simply don't have enough money. I applied to get 3 free vials from the pharmaceutical company's patient assistance program but they never even acknowledged I had sent an application. It is very discouraging. I have some idea of how you are feeling about your insurance company not responding to you but I don't want you to give up Gwen. You don't know this, but you keep me going. Even though we have never met I feel like we are somehow sisters because of the battles we fight. Please keep trying. I send you a lot of love from way down here in Georgia. (((hugs)))
from clotis :
I miss knowing how you are Gwen. I don't know what's going on and it makes me sick. I know you're going through a rough time, like all of us. I want to be here to support you, but I can't possibly if I can't read your entries. Anyway...
from genuine-risk :
It isn't wasted, you can choose at any moment to stop this, and I believe you will. You just have to make it to inpatient. I love you.
from writergrrl88 :
am currently terribly worried for you. please send your passcode to writergrrl88@yahoo.com -- I don't interfere and promise that I would not, I simply want to know how you're doing. xo ~lita~
from ethereal-red :
I ended up hospitalized due to severe, cycling depression and being extremely actively suicidal. I was going to go to my parents house from DBT (they were on vacation) and slit my wrists in the bathtub full of water... and wait until enough blood spills from my arteries to make me die. Instead, I was hospitalized, and it certainly wasn't my idea or something I wanted to do- or something I thought I needed to do, too. I'm back. Don't apologize for not being there for me because, well, you are really sick and I'm surprised you use the small amount of energy you have to simply sit in a chair and type for awhile. I love you, Gwen, and I don't want to see you suffer like this.
from ethereal-red :
I will not leave you alone. I'm in the hospital right now (on pass at the moment) so I can't get to a computer there... but you can call me at 952-924-5701. Please call. I'm terrified for you. Please don't die. Please.
from genuine-risk :
Hi sweet friend. Thank you for writing back to me. I will not leave you, I don't care how bad it gets. I don't care what you do, I will still care for you, and no matter where you are or what you are doing, I will still believe in all of the GOODNESS inside of Gwen, and I will still believe in Gwen's ability to recover and succeed and be happy. It is there, I have seen it myself, and I know it. I love you.
from infinityfye :
Hey, what's the story with the last entry... Are YOU ok?
from just-fine :
Gwen, we cannot help but worry about you. Please talk. x
from genuine-risk :
I'm worried. I sent you an email. Come back and let me know you're ok. Love you, and think about you all of the time. XOXOXO.
from simplyrayne :
I'm thinking of you Gwen, please drop me a note just to let me know you're ok. I won't ask for your password, because it's obvious you don't want to let anyone in. Take care sweetie xx
from purgingme :
dearest gwen, i need your passwords. zerodoll22@hotmail.com i cleared out my email or i would write you more of a letter. i love you hun. i hope your ok. xo sharla
from emaciana :
gwen, could i have your password? you can email me at starrysugar@hotmail.com if you don't want to leave a note. thanks and take care.
from homerismygod :
Oh Gwen :( One day you just have to say to yourself "I CAN DO THIS" and never look back. I'm thinking of you hun.
from genuine-risk :
Oh Gwennie, don't give up. You CAN do this. You do have the stamina to get through this worst time. I believe in you. Reach out Gwen. Talk to your mom, talk to us, you CAN do this.
from anainsight :
Please, please don't say that Gwen. you know you can do it, it's just that you're feeling so physically bad right now that it seems impossible. I am so worried about you. Please keep fighting, and know that you are not ever alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I want to send you a lot of love. If I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from tenebrosity :
heya gwen. just wanted to let you know that i am away camping with my church for a week so i probably won't have any email access. i know how hard this is. keep going girlie i know you can do this. we both can. am praying for you and will catch up with you when i get back. lotsa luv clare xxx
from infinityfye :
Umm, are you Ok. You don't have to give access to your diary just let me know you are ok, ok?
from sarahbum :
I was just wondering if i could have the password. You dont have to if you dont want to, its just i have read your diary a little and was just wondering. xoxo Sarah
from ethereal-red :
Gwen, as always, I have not forgotten about you. I think of you all the time. Thanks for the password. And as you pray, know that I am praying hard with you from far away Minnesota. You deserve so much more than you have right now. You deserve to be better. Have you heard anything from the Center for Discovery?
from small-one :
sending courage to you, sweet gwen. xoxoxo
from gyka :
hey girl... praying you are doing well and that things are okay for you!! i hope you are smiling.... you are so beautiful!! take care of yourself please!!
from genuine-risk :
Gwen you haven't updated in a while and I'm worried. I miss you. xoxoxoxo. Please come back and update just to let us know you are ok.
from onedeadstar :
damn, your not giving your password to anyone??? but i really like your diary....
from homerismygod :
XOXOXO I'm thinking of you!
from genuine-risk :
And now what Gwennie? Just wait to die? You are the only one who can make this decision. You DO have it in you to live, you just have to call upon your bravery. It's in there.
from infinityfye :
OK so I am asking for your user name and password again... would you please let me in???
from xredbracelet :
did you change your password to your diary?
from imazook :
maybe they were just trying to help you since no one else seems to be doing so. i dont mean to offend you...but i dont think you should get mad that someone was looking out for you.
from small-one :
well, sweets, it wasn't me! i thought i'd gone and "forgotten" your user/pw again, but i guess that isn't the case. :( maybe you'll let some of us in again? swaterford24@hotmail.com if you decide to. take care. xoxoxo
from gyka :
gwen... i hope you are okay!! those pics you posted.... they are adorable - you are a beautiful person!! you must be strong and you must take care of yourself... you have so many people that love you!! i look forward to your entries again....
from genuine-risk :
Gwen are you trying to die? This hurts my heart so badly. If you die, how will I even know? I wish you would stop this, start your meds back up, and go to the doctor. Going without insulin and meds will kill you, and fast. It will crush my heart if you die...it will crush all of us.
from infinityfye :
You locked your diary again... are you okay. hope to get a user name and password
from fake-angelic :
hey i like reading yr diary, can i please have yr username/password? email is: fake_angelic@yahoo.com
from just-fine :
Do you know who it was who rang the police btw? I just had a thought - hope you dont think it was me? It wasn't, i'd never do that. I know it does more harm than help. I hopw you realise how much i still care for you Gwen, despite everything. I hope you feel you can still talk to me, and e-mail when you need to.
from just-fine :
:( Gosh that's awful. & i am with sarah, you need to take some insulin, we all know that but only you can do it. Please please try to, ou are literally killing yourself and i just don't know how to help, i feel responsible...Please could i have the username/password? What happened with the police? You don't have to tell me if you'd rather not. xxxx
from genuine-risk :
oh gwennie. i know how this is. i love you and i just know....and it makes me just want to hold my dear friend. i loved those pictures. you were a wonderful child and you are a wonderful person now. if you die, i don't know what i will do. you absolutely have to take more insulin. you told me to, and you need to take it too. someone needs to stay with you for a while wherever you end up moving. dammit i wish that we weren't on different coasts. Oh friend. What is going to become of us? I love you.
from writergrrl88 :
I'm so sorry that someone would do that -- I'm sure they "meant well," but it was an awful intrusion on your privacy. I hope you're doing as well as you can. Please feel free to e-mail me at writergrrl88@yahoo.com. Best wishes and hugs, always -- ~lita~
from emaciana :
good luck finding an apartment. thanks for sharing those pix.
from simplyrayne :
Good luck with the apartment hunting, I do worry about you living alone though, I don't want you to fall any further. Take care and keep going. Love Lora x
from ethereal-red :
I have not forgotten you... just myself. Like Claire said, there are no words anymore. All I feel for you is a deep, aching sadness, and a fury directed at your eating disorder. It is eating you alive. I hope to God you get into UCLA and that they can help you... I don't want you to die. Oh- and happy birthday. We're the same age.
from gyka :
you are a great person and i hope you get the help you need!! try to take care of yourself, and know there are many people who love you and want to be there for you!!
from just-fine :
There are no words anymore. I just don't know what to say. It breaks my heart, i'm sorry,
from anasdream17 :
hey thanx for your note, here's my email I'd be more than happy if you could give me your username and password anasdream17@yahoo.com
from drowningblue :
hey, do you think that i could get your un/ps? you can email me if you don't want to leave it in my notes or gbook...blue_chica45@hotmail.com. thanks! xxoo
from gyka :
well, that was suppose to say inspiration.... :-) my bad!!
from gyka :
hello girl.... first of... HAPPY BELATED B-DAY!! second... i really do wish you the best. it's good you want to get help and have been inquiring about it - you are a beautiful person, you are strong and an inpiration
from fat0free0air :
Thanks!
from xredbracelet :
can ihave your user name and password? cherrycrusade@hotmail.com
from rooster24 :
hey gwen, happy birthday, i can see your are a Leo as well, and we, leos, simply rule, lol. in fact our birthdays are very close to each other. my best wishes to you gwen. you have a great heart, but probably you already know this. .((hugs)) happy 20's!. cya around :) -joe-.
from imazook :
Hi, I hope things are ok. Would you mind emailing me the password and your name? My email address is mandij_8@hotmail.com. Thank you. Hope you're feeling ok. (((hugs)))
from simplyrayne :
Happy belated birthday, mine was the day after yours, I'm 19 now, wow, I never thought I'd see that. Take care sweetie x
from anasdream17 :
hey, just came back to diaryland after a while and noticed you locked your diary, I've never said hi before but I've been reading your diary for almost 2 years now and I was wondering if maybe you'd give me the chance to keep on reading it because it gives me some sort of hope that there are some people out there who in fact have the same thoughts spinning around in their heads...well think about it and thanx anyways
from genuine-risk :
Why don't you want to live anymore Gwennie? What are you feeling? xoxoxoxo.
from gyka :
hello.... you don't know me, but i had caught a couple of your last entries and you seem to be such an amazing person!! i never said hi because you seem to be so close with the people you have in diaryland - i didn't want to feel as tho i was invading (lol, tho that kinda feels like what i am doing now), anywayz seeing as your diary is locked i guess there will be no more reading!! i just wish you the best and want you to know you have inspired me so much with trying to get better!! take care of yourself, you deserve the best!
from anainsight :
Happy Birthday!
from genuine-risk :
Stay strong sweetheart. ::hugs::
from genuine-risk :
Gwen honey....what is going on? ::hugs:: I am sorry to know that the visit has been a little difficult. I am going to email you for the name/password.
from anainsight :
Hi Gwen, I guess you must have changed your username & password from last time you locked. are you OK? Can I get it from you? Please don't lock us out of your life, we love you. (((hugs)))
from infinityfye :
Hey Gwen, What's up with the lock? Can I get a pass or something? hope everything is ok...
from sketty :
Hi Gwen, I just found that you locked your diary. I just want to say that I hope that things haven't taken a turn for the worse and that you are ok. Take care sweetheart :)
from destinymaker :
Hi I am so sorry for the late reply, thank you for the note u left, I dont quite know how to say it, but it meant alot to me....thank you hun..
from ethereal-red :
I care for you so much, Gwen, and am glad that some positive progress is being made. I, too, am trying hard and making some progress, even though it's very slow. I hope you have an awesome time with Claire- I know you will!
from rooster24 :
i'll have it first!! lol j/k. Hey there Gwen :), just a hello to ya, hope your feeling alright, cya round k? -hugs-
from xglowwithme :
Gwen, could I have your e-mail so I can send the user name and password? <3
from anainsight :
I am so excited that Claire & you are finally going to get to see each other. Give her a hug for me. I hope you to have the most fascinatingous times together. I am thinking of you and if I were not way over here in Georgia I would give you a hug.
from ktstebs :
In my last entry i wasnt referring to just you. There are other people that i know that i know that read my diary but respond by email. I give up thats all, nothing against anyone. I jsut pray for you everyday and i hope that everything gets better for you!
from comfortm :
Thank you, im going to see if i can get accepted soon with my old insurance..i'll know next week.
from infinityfye :
Hey there... now if doing the right thing wasn't difficult we would be in heaven, there would have been nothing to worry about. Our whole lives is about choosing the hard or the easy path.
from alexiaaa :
Hey you dont know me, but i came across your diary and have been reading for a bit now.. your write so well and i admire your determination in recovery. Im also from TF (lexy), see you round
from xglowwithme :
Hey gwen, its Audrey (sad-doll, cocainewhite, now xglowwithme) I've made yet another diary for privacy reasons I'm sorry I know it's annoying but I will try to commit to this diary. How have you been feeling lately? I used to worry alot but I've read you've been taking your insulin. I want you to know I'm here for you (I know that sounds lame but sometimes it's nice just to know someone CARES! right?) but if you want to talk or vent you know where I am. I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself because you're sweet, wonderful, and amazing. <3 ♥
from clotis :
Thank you. I really am fine after the break-up. Life is going good, work is great and my friends are right here beside me. This is the best summer I've had in awhile, and being single makes it all the better... but really, thanks for the thought.
from rooster24 :
amm, pardon any strange grammatics :p
from rooster24 :
your words mean a lot to myself gwen. thank you as well :).
from emaciana :
goodluck with those goals. it always feels nice to have goals... a kind of structure.
from homerismygod :
Books have saved my life time and time again. I wish that I could send you some, or at least recommend some! Let me know if the first thing could be a possibility (:
from ethereal-red :
I know you are trying. Trying is all we can do. My cycle is a bit different, since I don't have diabetes. Shrink, resolve to get better, see the weight gain the next day, shrink some more... it's not about the numbers, I know, I've been told that so many times- but then why do they matter so much? Digits on a scale were not meant to scare me- or you- into starvation.
from silver80 :
Hey, thanks for adding me to your favorites. :) Also, thank you for the ecouragement. Things are looking much better this time around. I hope it stays that way. :)
from crazy4muffin :
PS I know I probably told you this before, but I used to have very similar (bad) eating habits (binge, purge, etc.) I was obsessed with weight loss and my eathing habits only made it worse. I finally made a committment to "just eat right" and the health with losing weight. (I was moved to do this out of fear for my health. I was having many similar symptoms). Once I focused on that, and not on the scale or my thighs, the weight came off. It seems whenever a diabetic attempts to "diet" it only results in weight gain and crazy blood sugar rollercoasters. I know you have heard all this before, but I just wanted to let you know someone else has been there too.
from crazy4muffin :
Hey Gwen. Read your entry today and am somewhat perplexed by you taking 50 units of insulin. What regimen are you on? I take 14 1/2 units of Lantus every 24 hours and use the Humalog pen as needed, about one unit for every 15 grams of carbs. I used to do the NPH and R regimen and it sucked; I had to eat when I wasn't hungry and couldn't eat when I was. This method is so much better for me. I recommend it. So, 50 units of what? Sounds like you are perhaps fighting an infection of sorts? PS don't take anything with ephedren if you are going to take something. I use trip spa or green tea when I want to take the edge off. But with this new insulin method, I don't need to very often.
from prosperpine :
Thanks for adding me; I've been following your diary for a while now. Take care.
from ethereal-red :
I always get the bitchy nurse in the ER at my usual emergency hospital, so I know how awful they can be. She's made me cry a couple times, is cruel and just plain horrible. And she knows me now because I've had her so many times. It's bad. I congratulate you for making it through the appointment- I'm terrified of having my first pap smear and vaginal examination, so I give you a ton of credit for just going, not cancelling the appointment and not totally losing it with that nurse. Gwen, don't you see? You ARE a good person. You contribute so much to the world- at least my world- and you do not deserve punishment. You're sick, I'm sick- the things we do that hurt other people, that use up all the food, that end up lying and manipulating others all in the name of food and weight and the toilet- those things do not make up who we are. Our true selves are buried beneath all the shit that makes up our depression, eating disorder, borderline, everything, and that true self of yours, Gwen, is beautiful. I see it. It shines through the shit every day, with every entry and every note... YOU shine. And, for a few seconds, it makes happy every time I see it. Love, Emily
from deadpassive :
The girl in your layout, is that you? Or someone else?
from anainsight :
Why should you punish yourself because the nurse was having a bad day? If I were you, I would copy and paste your entry from today to your WP program, print it out and send it to that doctor's office. Put a sticky note on it that says, "This is how you made me feel today. I don't know if this is how you treat all your patients, but if it is, you really need to learn some decent manners." That would set them right on their ear. I love you Gwen, and God loves you too. He just wants you to come to him and give it all over to him. Please stay strong. I know that Claire is coming to see you and you have everything good to look forward to. If I were not way down here in Georgia I would give you a big hug. As it is, I send you a lot of love.
from genuine-risk :
Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry you had such an awful terrible day. You are by no means that "brat" you say you are. Don't punish yourself because you don't deserve it. The best way to help your mom is to take good care of your health. Love you.
from rooster24 :
Gwen, life's been shit with us. but we know we will feel better. perhaps we won't change to much, but we know we'll move on and face new things. i wish i could teleport right now to your place to talk with you, but i know that sounds scary and reaching zero privacy *rolls*. let's not let life bring us down, ur so strong..(and i have high standars for what i consider "strong") if anytime in the future ur passing by mexico, just leave me a note, u know ur invited, though its not very exciting in here at all, lol- oh well Gwen, my best wishes to you as always..*hugs* -rooster24-
from infinityfye :
Maybe that is exactly what you need... call people and go out to see friends.
from ethereal-red :
Thank you for the birthday note! I was surprised to see it, and it made me smile. Genuine smiles don't come from me very often. You made one happen. :) I am saddened by how you are doing, and how you've been doing lately. I wish I could take it all away... ------------------------------------- let me stay where the wind will whisper to me where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story -Evanescence, "Imaginary"
from genuine-risk :
Maybe you do need inpatient. :(
from for-you-only :
lol, I've learned what I've learned about html by reading it. The first thing I learned was <center> lol, it's center's things on the page. lol.
from infinityfye :
We are not "Awaken" from our dreams by some external force... We Wake our selves up from it. I hope you are ok and wake up from that dream.
from emaciana :
im glad it seems that you are doing a little better now, or today at least. and even after just waking up w/ no makeup you are beautiful.
from for-you-only :
Heya. I've clicked three of your banners now. Your html could use some brushing up, but you seem pretty cool. :)
from clotis :
I know it isn't worth it but it's all I have. I already hate the scars I've driven myself to, so I just cut lighter. I hope you're feeling better. I know that's a stupid sentimental thing to say, but I really hope you are. I've been losing more and more due to depression, I haven't eaten today because I don't think my body will hold it. I feel like shit, but I know I'll be okay, I always am... and I deserve what I get.
from purgingme :
you are so much more than you will ever see. and i know your just like me, we dont want to see it. but you are ammazing and loving and kind. love you so much. sharla
from ethereal-red :
I just finished reading Alice In Wonderland (again) the other day. Our disordered lives are indeed like the fucked-up, disorienting world of Wonderland... except Alice woke up in the end and found it all to be a dream. We are not dreaming. More than anything, I wish to wake up one morning to find it's all been a horrific nightmare. I understand now that it's impossible. But I still want it...
from infinityfye :
I'm begining to understand... although you're situation is harder as it involves physical illness, I believe many have been down that rabbit hole. I also believe it's not the same hole... every time you fight you evolve from a ranchy swampy small hole to a comfy luxurious pretty one. until one day you won't fall. Share, it'll make you feel better.
from rooster24 :
oh my, you are a a poet gwen. really. I really wish you get better so you can write about driving in the roads and i can buy your books in the future,(though i would accept one as a gift *rolls*). i know its a bit selfish of me, but your talent keeps growing. A wicked idea: Cannabis(THC) its anti-nausea to me, but as you might know it also creates the need for food as part of side-effect. i wish i could help you better. just wonderin if doctors know about the use of THC for anti-nausea treatments. distracted..being distracted works sometimes..(as in keeepin ourselves busy).You are great, my best wishes to you , for everything u do Gwen.
from ethereal-red :
In reply to your note: I certainly don't want to be locked up for life, either. Things with Nichole are going well, now, despite the terrible thing that happened Tuesday, which I'll write about in my entry today. I really treasure her and love how she both tenderly cares for me when I am broken into pieces on the floor and firmly does not stand idly by while I torment myself, my body, my mind. My energy is very low, and yet I can't seem to fall asleep until the side effects of my Neurtonin and Seroquel kick in and MAKE me go to sleep. My weight, when I started to eat a little (a lot to me!), went up about ten pounds. Now it's steadily going down again. I find myself eating less every day- now I'm doing good to get in 600/day. I drink a ton of water every day to help the constipation get better and it's starting to work. I really, really don't want to turn to laxatives again... they don't help. They only hurt. There aren't any other ED people where I'm at now. One of the staff is a recovered bulimic. I don't know if there are any at the place I'm hopefully going to. I hope there are, just so someone can understand me without having to have read up on it in college.
from ethereal-red :
I have to agree with the others- treatment of some sort, even if it's just a few days in the hospital to get your sugars and metabolism stabilized, is really (I think) necessary. You know how ruthless extremely high sugars are on your body. I love you far too much to see you die, and I love you way too much to see you disabled permanently from this abuse on your body. Please- gather up your courage and dignity and just walk into the ER. Force your legs to move. Bring a friend- a friend who cares- or, if there are no friends, bring a family member that doesn't make you feel like shit, if you have to, to keep yourself from turning around on your way there.
from homerismygod :
I'll be sure to post more pictures if they make you happy (:
from infinityfye :
Thanks for your message... really. and I just hope you be able to annhilate this monster that's been the subject of all your entries recently.
from anainsight :
Please go to the hospital and get yourself stabilized. Even if you don't stay on the unit, at least you could get your metabolism straightened out. I am praying for you. (((hugs)))
from genuine-risk :
Gwen, if you keep this up you are going to disable yourself permanently. You need to reach out for help, NOW.
from cuddler711 :
hey i just wanted to send you a quick note and tell you that i do read your diary everyday and i worry about you alot. i hope that one day everything works out for you. if you ever need a vacation or anything at all let me know.. my cell number is 7572379110 love ya and miss ya bunches
from genuine-risk :
:(
from comfortm :
My husband is trying to bring this to court.He just got papers he has to fill out from his attorney yesterday. If nothing else, the state will fine the company alot of money. He also may have a job lined up for next week.He goes for an interview Monday.Hopefully we will be ok.
from simplyrayne :
I haven't sent you a note in so long, and I feel bad, but I have been reading and thinking about you and wishing everything would be ok. Take care beautiful (((hugs))) Lora x
from bohun :
Hello Gwenny. I'm in love with you and we went for coffee last night. Need I say more.
from emaciana :
just take comfort in the fact that you cannot TRULY gain that much weight over that short a period of time. it's just not possible.
from homerismygod :
I'm sending good vibes your way! I'm sorry to hear about your mom and those pills. Addictions make people do crazy and stupid things :(
from starletblues :
p.s. we are layout twins! :) hehe
from starletblues :
hi gwen, thanks for the note! ive read a good amount of your entries and it really breaks my heart that you are trying so hard to overcome your ED, but it is winning. you seem like a very sweet girl who doesn't deserve this. i only hope that you come out on top. keep struggling! <3 meg*
from purgingme :
i dont have a word to say except i love you. xo sharla
from rooster24 :
Gwen!!! *hugs*
from ethereal-red :
It's a disease. My therapist told me the other day that my eating disorder is all about my choices. I disagree somewhat- SOMETHING influences those choices heavily. Whether you want to call it a fucked up mind, neurotransmitter malfunctions or the invisible bitch glued to your side, it's more than just simply making decisions. I didn't wake up one morning and decide to make sixth grade, junior high, high school and the two years so far after high school a living hell- or should I say a worsened hell. It's more than just me. It's more than just you. Most importantly, what we both have to keep remembering and telling ourselves that this is *not our fault*... and that's not some psychobabble bullshit, Gwen. It's the truth. I love you.
from rooster24 :
Gwenie, you are not twisted my dear, its your stomach the one who is twisted, but your stomach will start to digest food normally again, i have seen it. Why? because your stomach loves your mind so much it will obey it. I don't know the feelings you are going through, but i know that digesting food its our right, it is your right from the beggining Gwen. you are so talented and so pretty, don't let people get you down, you know you WILL overcome this problem. i have seen it.
from freaknuraw :
I love Taco Bell so much... Anyways it is because of the banana flavored boost that the hospital made me drink every day... I cannot stand bananas anymore :( so sad to since I used to love them. Anyways I miss you so fucking godamn much. To much... I hate not having anyone here except my boyfreind... it sucks majorly. I finally convinced Mandi that our friendship was over... she was just to dense to realize this months ago. I love and miss you dearly... take care...
from ethereal-red :
I know how hard stopping bingeing is, especially when the binges are massive. YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THIS BULIMIA UNDER CONTROL. Gastric rupture can occur at any purge. I'm scared for you, Gwen- really scared.
from genuine-risk :
Thanks so much sweetie. I am not worried at all about our marriage - we are just passionate and stubborn and have always had arguments that blow up and then go away as fast as they came. I expect them and they don't worry me....it's not the arguing part, it's just the part that I can't deal with frustration in any normal way. That the only way to ease it is to hurt myself. It's pathetic to me to think that I am 24 and married and still do this to myself. But that's how I am. I am worried about you Gwen. Please get a counselor or someone to talk to to just keep you anchored. You have been running so high and the purging scares me. I have been thinking about you a lot and I am sad that I can't come see you next month. I love you.
from emaciana :
gwen, 96lbs is nothing. that is a low weight, not a healthy weight. you don't need to lose, even though gaining is so scary, you do want to be healthy and to not be a prisonner to this eating disorder anymore. keep on fighting. tia.
from homerismygod :
Gwen, you are amazing! Your entry has made my day already (:
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie how are you doing today?
from purgingme :
you are beautiful inside and out. i wish you could know that. mybe we should talk on the phone some time. i think it could be good for us. arnt you so excited to see Claire! i cant believe that you to are going to spend time together. im so excited for the both of you. dearest im thinking of you . with all my love, sharla xo
from genuine-risk :
I don't want you to die this way either my sweet friend. You don't have to die this way. No matter where you are you still have choices. I know that you ache to break free of this disorder. You can do it. When will you start seeing a counselor again? No one can do this alone, and I think some outside perspective would be really helpful. oxoxoxox.
from ethereal-red :
Reading your entry almost made me cry. It certainly made my heart bleed. You don't have to die from this, Gwen... you can get more help. You can find out what needs you need fulfilled, what sores you're trying to cover up. Most of all, you can make giving up to be not an option. You have the strength to live. I promise you that.
from purgingme :
i was going to leave you a note of porportion but i cant anymore. just know that i love you. and i believe in you. you are not home to die you are home to live. get stronge and take care of yourself. fuck the scale right!!! you are so much more than those numbers, even though we know thats not what its about. thinking of you even more. xo sharla
from ethereal-red :
28 hours is a LONG TIME. I can't even describe the smile that came to my face when I read that. I am so proud of you. Know, though, that my love for you is constant- there are no factors of whether or not you are doing well. I care so much for you all the time, Gwen, no matter what the condition of your health is. I pray for you every day. You are constantly in my thoughts. I would die if it would help your recovery. I mean that.
from anainsight :
Thanks so much for the nice note. it makes me feel good to know someone cares. I am very worried about you and I pray each day that you will be able to stay b/p free. So far I am but still manipulating the insulin. I MADE myself get out of bed and take my shot and eat breakfast. So by definition, I am doing better. Your grades do not suck - considering all that you have been through, they're pretty damn good. Please be good to yourself and know I am thinking about you way down here in Georgia. (hugs)
from genuine-risk :
Don't ever be sorry for making me worry - be sorry to yourself for the punishment you are inflicting on yourself. You are a wonderful woman Gwennie, and you have so much to give to the world. Please don't ever shut us out, no matter how low you are. We love you and won't give up on you. I know you have it in you to succeed, and I will always remind you of that, because I have seen you do it before and I know you can make it. You will need to decide to put this behind you *forever* and go after the life you deserve and are meant to have. Love you.
from genuine-risk :
What I meant was that I just feel so sorry for you that you are going through this again, and just so sorry to read you say you are dying. You have so much to give and you are so important to many many people. You are capable of more and you are worth much more than this.
from genuine-risk :
I'm sorry Gwennie. I'm just so sorry for you. :(
from emaciana :
thank you for your very kind note. i'm trying to stop the purging before it gets out of hand. congrats to you though...those are good marks you got and 28 hours w/o purging is so good!!! it's great that your brother and you had that chat. you are such a kind person and i'm happy to hear when good things happen to you.
from homerismygod :
The Facebook is this thing where college students can make profiles with pictures of themselves, it's a way to keep in touch with old friends and to keep track of the friends you make in college. It's scary/addictive. I'm attempting to send love and good vibes from way across the country, just for you Gwen (:
from vomit-stars :
It's no problem. You're such a kind person ♥. And I know how much it sucks to be misunderstood. It upsets me when someone tells me, "Here you are, starving yourself, when there are people in Ethiopia dying of famine, blah blah, etc." as if it is by my own choice that I do this. My boyfriend and I broke up, so my relationship 'troubles' are over for the moment.. it sucks, because I'm not used to being so lonely. But I think it's for the better, we were bad for each other. Ahh, I hate cokeheads. I used to be one. Lol.. it really sucks. I'm glad I never dated one though, I remember how much it fucked me up. I hope things look up for you soon. I'm trying to look to the future and gain some hope and/or faith in myself. Self-worth is so hard to fix. <3.
from anainsight :
Please, take some Lantus. I am now on 80 units every night and it kills me and I keep finding excuses to skip it so later on I can take a smaller dose and it is killing me. If you'll take your Lantus I will. I don't want you to die. I don't want you to disappear. I realize you don't know me except through this diary but I do care, and I would be very upset if you died. Did you know that your mother is contributing to your decline? If you were a minor she could be arrested for facilitating your binge/purges. Please don't let her do that to you. I send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from the-emotion :
Thanks for letting me know about my next buttons. I'd only had the template for a day, and didn't notice. It's fixed :) Gwen, you are one of the most interesting people, and yours is my favourite diary to read. You scare me though. I worry about you so much, which soudns ridiculous because I don't know you. You're so pretty and nice and smart though, or that's definitely how it seems. You don't deserve what you're going through... I wish you could be healthy. But I know those words don't mean much... I've heard them over and over too. (I've had ED's for years.) But know that I really feel for you. I really want you to get better. You're beautiful. -Brynna
from homerismygod :
I'm glad that you focus on the small victories, instead of the defeats. Because that is definitely a step in the right direction! I missed you!
from emaciana :
gwen, my heart goes out to you. it's hard to know what to say but sometimes just knowing that people are out there listening to you and hearing you is enough... so here i am. i love reading your updates and i'm here for you if you ever wanna chat . starrysugar@hotmail.com (msn messenger). love tia.
from ethereal-red :
Are you having problems with your diary too? When I try to put an entry in it doesn't even show up. Luckily I saved the really long entry on my family's computer, so I didn't spend forever typing to no avail. News says the database problem was fixed on the 10th. What the fuck is going on?!
from rooster24 :
howdie Gwen, i hope ur doing fine. just wanna say hello and send you big hug :). thks for ur notes as well :)
from ethereal-red :
Oh, Gwen... it has been a week, a long week, a shitty week. See my diary for more info on that. I'll also write about the group home and what we do there- what it's like, what the programs are, the groups, etc. Every day I pray that you'll be alive the next day and I can't tell you the relief and happiness that I felt when I saw that, yes, you're alive, even though the way things are going for you would make life totally unliveable for me. But somehow you cling to life, you wake up every day and try, try, try to make positive progress. You are far stronger than I. Love, Emily
from homerismygod :
Wow, I wish that someone would drive two hours out of the way to see ME! :) I'm glad you have people who really genuinely care for you, like your old psychologist and your cousin. People like them can help you forget the assholes in your life :P
from rooster24 :
Hi again Gwen, im glad you had a good day with your friend, i'm sure he's not the only one who loves you. u have seen the good. it can be like that sometimes. you rule, don't forget ttyl :).
from rooster24 :
my dear gwen, probably a lot of people has told you this, but i will again: i can't believe the way you type, so fine and so comfortable as in narratin scenes, i relly, really dig it. i think ur a natural born writer, just as some other friends of mine but also in a different way, as we are all individuals. I hope you get to feel better soon. you are a poet and a fighter, don't let some situations get you out of mind. g'luck with the finals!
from freaknuraw :
Gwen did you know the book "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe is going to be a movie? Dec. 1st!!!! How exciting! Anyways, you can and you do help so much more than you know. You can't help my problems, and neither can I sometimes. I vent alot in my diary.... but things are alright. I just can go up and down. I love and miss you. And likewise on having me whereever I may be as well.
from homerismygod :
good luck with your finals, I know that you can do it!!
from genuine-risk :
Gwen, what the hell is going on? You need to make alternate arrangements if this is what is going to happen when you return home. What you are doing should not be an option and I know you have the strength to stop and put on the breaks because I've seen you do it before. You can do this the right way.
from purgingme :
my dear friend, i do hope that going home will help you. im sorry that your brother is being an ass but your mother seems to be of some support. i miss you and wish i could give you a big hug so bad. love you xo sharla
from infinityfye :
You are nothing and deserve nobody???hell is not so far. You know nothing of hell girl. don't say that, what you really need is to make a strong grip and keep saying my will is strong. what you need is to love someone to make you forget all that.
from purgingme :
dearest gwenny. i hope your doing ok. i know its been along time since i have writen you a note and im sorry about that. im glad your moving home i hope things are easier there for you. i love you so much. xo sharla
from rooster24 :
thank you for ur note as well. i feel very confused and moody most of the time. and i fear about somethin i really don't know what is, but it takes my sleep sometimes. but i can manage to get through some things, just as you do, im sure we'll overcome our problems in the future, i sense we'll manage. when? i think we already started to do it. it will just get clearer and clearer, different for everyone but clearer. btw: really cool pics u have there ;).
from comfortm :
Gwen, you are so sweet!!When i read your note about especially the part "it will remind you that you are never alone, even when things seem at their darkest" made me think about this whole situation in a different point of view. He sent me the ring as a sign that he is watching over me and will be there in my darkest hour no matter when that will be. Thanks for reminding me of that.btw, your pictures are wonderful..u look good now and much more happier in the higher weight ones. keep fighting.
from rooster24 :
Dear Gwen, i saw your pictures, you are so beautiful and im not in any way exhageratin, i really think you are also so strong and write with a fine sense of narrative im impressed, i'm sure your body will give you a chance to eat and digess normally, why? because you have a strong hearth and the body its such a beautiful auto-healing machine.(plz pardon my grammar), i think the anti-nausea pills should help you cope with digestin, but im not a dr, just a schyzotypal fella who'd like to say hi and wish you the best, ur beautiful for ur hearth not for ur weight, remember that. maybe cya around :)- rooster.
from infinityfye :
Will Actually I tried to be as less angry as possible... I even tried to make it funny. I guess that's just me... angry all the time and only show it in writing. Thanks for caring.
from imanobody00 :
I saw your pics, you are so beautiful Gwen(especially in the pic of you w/ the big smile). You look so sad in the last few though... and smaller. I worry about you! I love the notes you leave me... means alot you take the time to write to me. I am so sorry you are so stressed, I couldn't survive 3 weeks of this! Plus I know I've lost my finacial aid w/ how bad I've done this semester. Try and take care of yourself honey!! You are strong and you will defeat your ED.... I know you will! Just never give up on yourself!!! ((( lots of hugs))) ~Charity
from simplyrayne :
Gwen, you have no idea how much your notes mean to me, they do help, they make me smile and it's such a relief to know that maybe there is someone who understands what I'm going through. I worry about you so much, but I know that there will be a day when you will get better. I just hope that day comes soon. Just remember I'm here if you ever need to talk. Big hugs, x
from homerismygod :
I can't believe that people are so inconsiderate, how they cant be sympathetic to other people's situations. I am sorry that your life is filled with people who don't seem to get it... but I am excited FOR you to see Claire, it sounds like it will be the best time for both of you (:
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie, you know it's not enough, and so do I. :(
from homerismygod :
Good luck with you presentation! They make me nervous too :( But I'm sure that you will kick some ass!
from freaknuraw :
My dear dear Gwen. I feel so much for you. You say your worried about me, but I'm not the one needed to be worried about... Your going through so much, and I feel like this horrible friend for moving away from you. Soon I would like to be able to see you again... see a familiar face. I miss you so much, and I wish I was there for you more than I really can be... Take care, be strong. Things are going to work out. I love you so very much.
from simplyrayne :
Thanks for the note (((hugs))) I think I took it so badly because I was so frustrated about not being able to remember so much. I'm ok now, starting to see the funny side hehe!! You take care of yourself ~thinking of you sweetie~ x
from homerismygod :
Oh Gwen, I hope that you stop blaming yourself for what happened, because it is NOT your fault. At all. It is sad what happened to Bailey, but she makes her own decisions and has to be responsible for them. She really has nobody to blame but herself...
from ethereal-red :
I've been so worried about you. I still am. I tried to comment on Sunday's entry but I don't think it worked. My heart goes out to you about Bailey... about everything. It's funny, isn't it, how we care so much about other people and don't give a shit about ourselves...
from genuine-risk :
It isn't your fault, nor is it your responsibility. She makes her own decisions, and you are not her keeper. I don't understand why an amazing, wonderful girl like you spends her time with these people. These are dangerous situations Gwen. I don't know what else to say.
from myquietplace :
I know its not good for me, but I dunno. I miss beable to starve, and haveing that super flat stomach. I try just being healthy, but it's great, untill I binge. I think I might try being healthy one more time. I know I don't want to be like how I was, beacuse I always in a bad mood, and even more negative about my self. I am going to really try this time to be healthy. I want abs, and all. You've sort of inspired me to be healthy. Your right, 117 isn't a bad weight as long as most of it's muscle, and your doing it in a healthy way. Hugs to you to babe! :)
from homerismygod :
I hope that all is well! I am feeling a bit better, I think that stupid reality TV shows have been a good laugh :P
from imanobody00 :
Hang in there honey. You can get through this, soon you will not have to worry about classes and exams for a little while. I am so worried about you! You are so amazing, and I know you will get better. Just don't give up! ~Charity
from just-fine :
I just read the note you left me - i am not upset with you! Not at all, i could never be! :) I'm just in a distant faze at the moment i guess, i'm sure we will talk soon. Love you always xxx
from homerismygod :
Good luck with exams, I know that you can do it!! We should definitely get together and mope around and do nothing, it would be fun! :P
from imanobody00 :
Good luck with your tests too!! I am so proud of you. You can do this! I hope if you start to feel as bad as you were at the beginning of your last entry, that you will see a doctor. I worry about you. You don't deserve all the pain you are going through! I'm glad you are working on getting better. You should try not to stress out too ;)! Your health should come before your tests. (((hugs))) ~ Charity
from scotvalkyrie :
Dear Gwen, I have been struggling with my (over)weight for some time. In a fit of . . . desperation . . . I found Anorexicweb. I was looking for tips! How foolish of me. That's where I located your article while in the process of reading the whole website and figuring out that this was the completely wrong path to follow for THINNESS. I found it inspirational to read about your struggles and how you continue to prevail. You are a great source of strength for many people regardless of whether they have ED. On another note, I taught in a junior college (one semester, I was too subversive, I guess, even for a Theatre Appreciation writing class) and I can see your intelligence and drive to learn. That's a wonderful gift. Do your best to seize that opportunity. Take care and you're welcome to visit Arizona!
from homerismygod :
Gwen, I wish that I could take you away and put you in an environment where you would be appreciated for how amazing and talented and wonderful you are...
from anainsight :
I hate that you think of yourself as worthless. If nothing else you have helped me. I struggle too on a daily basis. I think of you often and pray for you. I am going to a new endocrinologist at the end of the week. Wish me luck. My A1C is 13.9. Please don't give up, keep trying. A friend of mine here at home has just become homeless but she said to me that she's not giving up. I hope that you will say the same thing to yourself. Be strong and know that I am cheering you on. I send you a hug from way down here in Georgia.
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie I miss you.
from genuine-risk :
I would never leave and you know it. We're here for the long haul my friend. I love you.
from ethereal-red :
Diaryland's not letting me leave you a comment. Oh, Gwen... my heart bleeds for you. Don't give in to the ED... keep on fighting and never give up. I look at what I just typed and see how hypocritical it is, but, well, I care so much for you and don't give a shit about myself. I'm sure you know how that goes. Know that I am thinking of you all the time. If you want to talk, call me at 651-283-0311, and I'm not just saying that as a formality. I don't care if it's 3 AM- my phone is always on for you. I'll be updating soon with all the entries from the hospital and with regular entries, too... I haven't disappeared. :)
from simplyrayne :
(((gwen))) Thanks for the note, I still think you're brave. And, I do not deserve the comment in your buddy list. But anyway, you made me smile, thank you!!
from homerismygod :
thank you for your note! i am feeling better, i think i was just frustrated because i'm sick and i didn't want to get up and go to class and there is so much drama around here :( i just need a break, i think! i hope that YOU are feeling better too, xoxo.
from imanobody00 :
Just four more weeks!! You are right, we can do this!!!! Take it a day at a time. You will do great on your finals, I'm sure you will. You are so smart! ~Thanx Gwen
from small-one :
do not fool yourself; do not allow the G.D bulimia to fool you. it will only kill you if you allow for such a horrible atrocity. you know you have decisions. you know you have atleast SOMEONE you can go to. . .a treatment team? a follow-up coordinator? SOMEONE, as humbling as it may be. . .or excruciatingly embarrassing. . .someone. you were doing "good" for a while, don't forget that. because you can do it again. i remember those old entries, full of hopes, dreams and fears. . .do not give up on yourself. if one person can recover, all persons can. . .if you want a future badly enough. and i know that somewhere deep down inside of you, you want a future. find that and utilize that strength for the good of your life. for your well-being. . .your well-ness. much love and light to you.
from homerismygod :
i hope that you pick yourself back up again soon, i KNOW that you can do it! xoxo
from kjoybic :
I don't know if it's too late for your survey, but I hope I can help you out: 1.)No 2.) N/A 3.)yes 4.)no 5.) none 6.) yes 7.)yes? my mom, don't think my dad 8.) no 9.) yes 10.) yes 11.) no 12.) - 13.) traditions, family, lack of diversity in area, religion, children 14.) white/caucasian
from ethereal-red :
Hi, Gwen... I'm sorry I haven't updated in three weeks. I attempted suicide on Friday, April 1st- I slit my left wrist (required stitches, was quite deep) and overdosed on Seroquel- and was hospitalized at my usual psych unit for two and a half weeks. I then went to a transitional care unit/crisis residence from Tuesday, April 19th to this afternoon (4/22/05). I'm now at home and will be going to a group home (a very nice one with a professional chef, nice furniture, single rooms and great staff, so I found out when I visited the place in February) within a week or two (two at the most). It's a minimum three month stay, and during the first month I will be unable to leave the premises except to go to appointments... so if there isn't internet access there (one would think there would be...), I won't be able to update for that entire month. Fear not, I am keeping a paper diary and will put in the entries from when I was in the hospital and transitional care unit to my diaryland diary. I'll be updating as usual until I get to the group home- and if there isn't internet access there, I'll simply continue with my paper journal and then put all those entries into diaryland when I am able to go to the library to go on the internet. If there is access at the group home then I'll just continue on with diaryland as usual. I missed you and I hope you are okay. I'll be reading all the entries you wrote during the time I was gone... probably Saturday.
from genuine-risk :
I feel like I could have written everything you wrote. I miss you. Let's start talking on the phone again. xoxoxo.
from emaciana :
i am so proud of you for not taking shit from that guy and looking after yourself and not calling him. i can sure learn from you girl!!!
from purgingme :
i <3 u !!!!!!!
from imanobody00 :
You shouldn't worry about me! I will be fine. Although I worry about you... You just don't deserve all that you have gone through!! I'm sorry your mom is sick. I'm sure she will be alright, and you will be with her before you know it. You are a beautiful person in every way, with so many people who care for you. Stay strong, and try and take care of yourself. ((hugs))~charity
from purgingme :
dont worry about me hun, im just busy as hell. i hope your mom is ok, i know how those reassuring comments from her can sound dangerous. my mother being kind to me send shivers up my spine, because i know something is wronge. take care of yourself hun. i can see you slipping again and it worries me. you are so much more than what you think. love you so much. xo sharla
from genuine-risk :
You are a remarkable person. xoxoxo.
from genuine-risk :
Survey: 1) Have you ever dated a person outside of your race? No. 2) If so, how often? NA.3) Were you taught it was okay to date outside of your race? Yes. 4) Do you believe one ethnic group outside of your own is more okay to date than another? No. 5) Which ethnic group do believe it is never okay for you to date? None. 6) Would you consider marrying someone outside of your ethnic group? Yes. 7) Did your parents date anyone outside of their ethnic group? No. 8) Did your parents ever marry anyone outside of their ethnic group? No. 9) Do you think racism is a problem in America? Yes. 10) Do you have friends outside of your ethnic group? A small number. 11) Do you consider yourself racist? No. 13) What do you believe is the reason people marry inside of their ethnic group? Probably because it is easier to meet people inside your own ethnic group via your community, and there are no "taboos" attached. 14) What ethnic group do you identify with? Caucasian.
from ravenstears :
1) Have you ever dated a person outside of your race? Yes 2) If so, how often? Once or twice, a few times, half the time¡Ketc¡K A few times 3) Were you taught it was okay to date outside of your race? Yes my parents were always open to that 4) Do you believe one ethnic group outside of your own is more okay to date than another? Which one? No, everyone is equal 5) Which ethnic group do believe it is never okay for you to date? Its ok today anyone, no matter what they¡¦re ethnic group is 6) Would you consider marrying someone outside of your ethnic group? Sure 7) Did your parents date anyone outside of their ethnic group? Yes 8) Did your parents ever marry anyone outside of their ethnic group? No 9) Do you think racism is a problem in America? (Or wherever you live. If different then US please put.) Yes I do, there is not much ethnic diversity where I come from and many of the people here are (most the time right fully so) stereotyped as racist red necks. 10) Do you have friends outside of your ethnic group? Yep, sure do 11) Do you consider yourself racist? No 13) What do you believe is the reason people marry inside of their ethnic group? Cause they¡¦re in love, it doesn¡¦t matter what they¡¦re ethnicity is. Love over comes all ƒº 14) What ethnic group do you identify with? Mmmm good question, white mostly but if I could say a different species I would. I despise what humanity has become¡K Hope I helped hun Love Casey
from homerismygod :
I'm 19 years old (: 1) N/A 2) N/A 3) I was taught that it was NOT okay. 4) Nope, I'm open to dating ANY ethnic group (: 5) None. 6) Yes. 7) No. 8) Nope. 9) Yes, it's a huge problem. 10) Yes! 11) Nope. 13) In order to stick to traditions, their family wouldn't approve of someone outside of the ethnic group, hidden racism. 14) Indian.
from dimstar :
Here, I myself am copying and pasting the survey questions in my notes so you can take it for me :) Please, please please do. I will never stoop this low again!!! (please put your age too ;) ) Survey: 1) Have you ever dated a person outside of your race? 2) If so, how often? Once or twice, a few times, half the time…etc… 3) Were you taught it was okay to date outside of your race? 4) Do you believe one ethnic group outside of your own is more okay to date than another? Which one? 5) Which ethnic group do believe it is never okay for you to date? 6) Would you consider marrying someone outside of your ethnic group? 7) Did your parents date anyone outside of their ethnic group? 8) Did your parents ever marry anyone outside of their ethnic group? 9) Do you think racism is a problem in America? (Or wherever you live. If different then US please put.) 10) Do you have friends outside of your ethnic group? 11) Do you consider yourself racist? 13) What do you believe is the reason people marry inside of their ethnic group? (Traditions, racism, etc…) 14) What ethnic group do you identify with?
from imanobody00 :
You are an amazing person. That was very sweet of your Aunt to get you that food. I'm glad you are feeling better and more positive. You are so strong! I have about the same amount of school left as you do. The semester is almost over!! Yay! Screw any rumors or things people might say. Some people just like to talk, even though they do not know what they are talking about. Good luck to you in staying healthy, I know you can do it. ((Hugs))~Charity
from anainsight :
I just wanted to send you this because I knew you were struggling, and I wish you didn't have to. I'm struggling too, probably not as hard as you, but my mom is in the hospital. She can't cope with my dad's death. So just know I am thinking of you. I am almost out of Novalog and can't afford to buy it right now. It is a constant struggle. You are an inspiration to me. My little toy poodle sends you a poodle kiss. Her name is Kika. Please take care of yourself. Love to you from way far away down here in Georgia.
from paricouture :
Hi Gwen, I have been reading your diary for a long time now, around 2-3 years, I think I also left you some notes, but I am normally rather shy. Anyway, could I please get your Password, because I believe in you and it I would like you to know that I think of you in good times, and especially in bad ones. xxxhugsxxx Julia juliaparis@the-pentagon.com
from purgingme :
girl what drugs did you do. im sure it cant be that bad! right. unless your shooting dope. dont do that crap. i hope its not that. what to say that i have not said before? i love you and care about you. take care of yourself please. try at school and take your meds. right. we have all heard it before but for you i mean it. this world would not be the same without you. xo sharla
from imanobody00 :
You will get through all this. I know you will!! I'm glad to hear you are doing better. I just wish you could see how beautiful you are inside and out. Thankyou for letting me read and sending me the e-mail. xoxo ~Charity
from genuine-risk :
You aren't rough around the edges, you're sensitive and thoughtful and exceptionally caring. Those people are too rough in so many ways and they are hard on you and bad for you. You are the kindest, sweetist, lovliest girl. If only we lived closer so I could tell you face to face. Love you.
from homerismygod :
i hope that you don't give up hope, and i know what you mean when you say that your shyness comes off as rude. i get that A LOT. xoxo!!
from hellraising :
I tried sending you an email but I got a 'Undeliverable email' message. So could you email the password to me instead?
from xpasdechat :
hey hun can i please have the username/password?
from just-fine :
Please send me the username/password Gwennie, you've got my e-mail ;) xxx
from vomit-stars :
My best friend is an insulin dependent diabetic. It makes me terribly depressed because she doesn't take good care of herself, and I know it is going to make her sick. Almost every time that she tests blood sugar it is between 300-500, and sometimes it's so high the tester can't even read it, which is like over 600. She doesn't eat right, and no matter how much I cry or plead with her to get on track, nothing works. I wish I could take care of her. Sorry, just felt like sharing =P <3.
from ravenstears :
Hey, This is Casey a.k.a ravenstears. I just wondered if I could have your username/password. You don't have to of course, but I thought I would ask. I understand if you don’t want to give it out. Love and best of luck with everything ~Casey
from genuine-risk :
:( miss you.
from infinityfye :
Umm can I get a password?
from emaciana :
may i have your password? you can email me if you don't want to post it. emaciana@hotmail.com thanks and i hope you are okay.
from vomit-stars :
i just wanted to thank you for what you said about me on your buddylist. i dont think highly of my poetry but i'm glad to know it's still appreciated. <3.
from imanobody00 :
Hi honey, I noticed your diary is locked. May I have a password to read?? I hope you are alright.
from drowningblue :
Hey, just noticed that your diary is locked and I hope that you are doing okay? I know you were pretty upset the last time I checked in. Please try to stay strong...xxxooo
from pinkcrayon- :
Just noticed your diary is locked (as of today I guess?). Could I have you password?
from genuine-risk :
You didn't ruin anything sweetie. You made a mistake. No one is perfect all of the time. The best we can ALL do is to learn from them and not repeat them. If you are fighting suicide every day, then please go to the university counseling center. I'm serious. I don't want to lose you.
from homerismygod :
I hope that crystal meth didn't do anything to your heart either <3 I know how awful you feel already for doing it, and I don't do the whole lecture thing, so I'm just going to say "you live and you learn." Please don't be so hard on yourself..
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie, I am so upset. Do you need to go to the hospital? Crystal meth screwed up my heart and was the worst experience I've ever had. I am so worried. Get to the hospital. Your heart was weak. I am so worried.
from genuine-risk :
It doesn't have to pull you under Gwennie. It doesn't have to. xoxoxoxo.
from imanobody00 :
.... and I will NEVER give up on you!! You are so strong! I read your entry about how you are going to meet and spend time with your friend on here. I'm soo happy for you two!!!! I'm sure you will help each other. I hope your classes are going well and that you are doing alright. xoxo ~charity
from emaciana :
wow, meeting up with claire will be so good, you are lucky. i want a chance to meet up with some of my dland friends. anyways, thank you for your support, even though you are going through a lot yourself you still make time to reach out and help others. there's a reason for everything. i'm just trying to cling to that right now.
from purgingme :
do you have any idea how much i love you girl! gosh you made my day with that wonderful note. thank you, and the fact that you mean it makes it so much more wonderfull. i get alot of empty reassurance from people around me. hates it. im glad your back on your meds. i know how it feels, hating those damn pills. everyday taking your sanity in the form of a pill but its something that ppl like us just have to except and take. i know i hate my meds but immagine how nuts i would be without them. anyways, im gratefull to hear that you are doing better. and you talked to claire! thats so awsome! much love. xo sharla
from genuine-risk :
How wonderful! You and Claire are amazing people and I am blessed to know you both. You will have the most wonderful time this summer! I wish it wasn't so close to my wedding so I could come too :( But I know it will be an incredible time for you both and that makes me happy.
from homerismygod :
i'm so glad that you're taking medicine again, and that it's helping. i think the medicine is helping put things in perspective for you- zoloft did that for me. suddenly everything wasn't so terrible anymore. keeping you in my thoughts, take care of yourself!
from freaknuraw :
My beautiful I miss you, I hope your doing well. Work has been busy, but the pay is kind of worth it I suppose. I just wanted to let you know that there are people out there who understand you completely. And even though they move away to Georgia, they never forget or stop understanding you. They still love you as much if not more than they did before leaving you in Cali. I love you sweetheart, your still my best friend!!! (people here are shitty!!!!:-( millions of huggs from Georgia
from myownjourney :
just dropped in via your banner and thought I'd say hey... so, hey. :)
from purgingme :
are you back on your meds? i do hope so. not that you are crazy, but i know how it is to be without you meds. its called a chemical imbalence. and i know how much i dont want to believe it because i dont want to either. but its true. so please take care of yourself. im so excited for you and claire. this will be wonderfull. i wish i could spend time with you two. love you much. xo sharla
from homerismygod :
i'm feeling a lot better, thanks for caring.. and don't worry it was my friend dan, not my dad! hehe. food poisoning sounds terrible, i hope that you feel better soon <3
from clear-venom :
Hello. This may sound a bit awkward, but I found your diary on a banner, and I hope you don't mind that I read the entry on the page... I saw a bit of your profile too and I really do hope life improves for you. As cliched as it sounds, my heart goes out to you. By the way, I must say that I love your choice in music. Well then, best of wishes to you. Thank you for having taken the time to read this. Sincerely, Venom. :)
from anainsight :
My dear Gwen, please, please go get your antidepressants refilled. I am terribly alarmed and worried for your sake. Those nightmares are a direct result of a sudden stoppage of your antidepressants. In case you didn't know, I'm in graduate school studying counseling, and today we had a CNS give us a seminar on psychopharmacology. There are all sorts of terrible things that happen to you when you quit your antidepressants abruptly, without tapering off the dosage slowly. If you have to, check yourself into the hospital but get those anti-depressants filled at all costs. Please. You don't deserve this. I send you a hug and lots of love from way far away in Georgia.
from homerismygod :
i hear that claire is coming to visit you! i hope that you're smiling
from homerismygod :
i'm thinking about you, i hope that you feel better soon :(
from genuine-risk :
There is no rhyme or reason to who survives and who doens't. That is the tragedy - that good people suffer and die when they shouldn't have to. If you were to feel survivor's guilt over all of the people who have died as a result of an ED, you wouldn't be able to feel anything else. Your pain and torture is valid too Gwennie. You don't have to die to have suffered greatly. You have survived this far, and you have control over what happens to you. The only way to make sure that their deaths were not in vain is to change your life, and not throw yourself off with both hands. The irony about what you've written is that the way to unburden others is to take good care of yourself. Destroying yourself will only create what you most want to avoid. I know you have that strength in there Gwennie - you need to call it up, and pull yourself back into reality. I know you can do it. I have always believed in you and I will continue to believe in you forever. Love you.
from poolagirl :
I just clicked on your banner and read some of your diary. I don't know you at all, but I really hope you aren't too hard on yourself. You survived and Terri S didn't because you are on two completely different paths here on this planet. Obviously, the world still needs you. I hope I haven't offended you with these comments, but your entry was so poignant and real. I just felt I had to say something. Forgive me if I overstepped the line. Blessings to you.
from ethereal-red :
Go refill your antidepressants. You need them. I need them. I wish mine would work! Anyways, thanks for the note. The thing is, though, is that when I'm thinner, I'm happier about my body, even though it's never good enough and I'm never really truly content with it or happy with it- but I'm happier with it at 115 than 170, that's for damn sure. I wish for all of us that we never had eating disorders, that we never developed any of them at all. I wish I could go to sleep, wake up and have it all be better. Too bad that's impossible, huh? You're always in my thoughts, Gwen. You deserve to feel better!
from genuine-risk :
Hi sweets, thank you for your note. Anything from you makes me so happy. I have been taking small steps the last few days to get my sugars down. I'm not doing it for anyone but me - I have no doctor's appointments coming up, no one is pressuring me. I can't remember the last time I really took care of my health for ME. So this feels new and it's nice. Yesterday my readings were: 195, 156, 120, 80, and 142. That is the best they have been in weeks, maybe months. The neuropathy is really bothering me, but it will improve once the sugars get down. This morning I was 97, and I'm hoping to keep it level today. Just have to take it minute by minute. YOU need to take care of YOU also!! I think you are incredible Gwen. You are my sister. xoxoxoxoxox.
from homerismygod :
please get the antidepressants. you're amazing. flip through some of those happier diary entries, they always help me out when i'm sad..
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie, stop it. Go get those antidepressants. You deserve to live. You have made it so far, and now is not the time to stop. I love you.
from anainsight :
Hi, hun! I wish I could have seen you on the TV. I wish I had known about it beforehand. The Terri Schiavo case is bothering me, too. She's almost the same age as me and I just can't understand why the same thing that happened to her didn't happen to me. I guess I was just lucky. anyway. just wanted to send you a hug and a lot of love from way down here in Georgia.
from aliboomboom :
I just wanted to let you know that I admire your strength!!
from scarchild :
Wow, tv! That is awesome. You have so much courage & strength. I hope it all went okay.
from genuine-risk :
Thank you for your sweet message. I love you Gwennie! I hope everything goes so well for you today. xoxoxoxo.
from comfortm :
Yeah everyone says ive come so far and it feels like an accomplishment for me. Im more happy now than ive ever been being sick. I dont know if ive kicked having an eating disorder or not...but just having a break from this for awhile makes me feel like a whole new person!
from genuine-risk :
I just love you. I am so glad you are having a nice break. Talking to you in the mornings makes my day! It can't be good for you to be up so late though!! Love you, S.
from homerismygod :
your entry made me so happy! isn't life amazing? i hope that i'm sending good vibes your way :)
from purgingme :
Gwen you are beautiful inside and out. comparing yourself to others never makes ones self feel any better. you are ammazing in your own right. try and believe me, please. and take it easy on the booze girl! damn i would be drunk on eight beers and i drink like a fish! feel better. xo sharla
from imanobody00 :
I just wanted to leave you a quick note. Honey you shouldn't be taking those diet pills, its the last thing you need to study. You are a smart girl and I know you know all that, but you worry me. You are so beautiful.... especially on the inside! You ARE one of those lucky girls, you just can't see it. ((hugs)) Take care~Charity
from purgingme :
i do have you on my aim friends list, i just never see you online! my name is purgingme2 by the way, so you can add me. that sucks that that guy in you class saw your arms. its a hard thing to take in for some ppl i guess. the other day in the store some guy selling pictures saw my arms and my friend that looked strung out. he was lost for words, just stood and looked at us in fright. we lauphed it off but it still stings me. i hate that we have to hide so much of ourselves, the world just doesnt understand. so fuck them right! take care beuatiful. hopefully we cant talk soon. xo sharla
from homerismygod :
i love random adventures!! they're seriously what make life worth living, in my opinion!
from xkarebearx :
thank you, we honestly do live in our minds because it is what makes us. you are my hero, you've been living through anorexia for about 8 years and your well. karen <3
from xkarebearx :
i fell in love with your last entry and i'm sure i'll love the rest. karen <3
from infinityfye :
I believe there are those who know themselves, I used to... those who know then \selves are in heaven... a true heaven.
from ethereal-red :
I was just at Anorexic Web. I knew you'd been through a lot... but DAMN, Gwen... you are so incredibly strong for making it through all that shit for so long. I pray for you even though I don't exactly know you...
from scarchild :
Thanks for the notes. This the third semester that I have promised myself that I will buy an umbrella but it never happens and I am left standing soaking in the rain which is why I have made it an all important goal for this semester ;o). X
from comfortm :
Yes i am happy now, alot more than what i used to be. What helped me was finding love and support. It helped me mentally and now my mental illnesses are under control. I guess during my teen years i felt so alone and sad. I needed someone to make me feel better and give me a reason to live. I have a reason to live now for my husband and baby. Some days its hard, i still sink low...but i just keep on fighting.
from homerismygod :
i don't know, but i feel like telling you every other day that you're AMAZING, because i'm hoping that one day you'll realize that you really are. your notes make me smile so much, they're the highlights of my day! take care of yourself, gorgeous :)
from the-mistake :
you are a great inspiration to me. i used to be "mia", i guess, but i have been trying to quit and i was going good for a couple of months but every so often i feel that i NEED to do it just to feel that relief as it all pours out. i'm happy to see that you are trying to get yourself back because it does steal your identity and makes you focus every minute of the day on purging. i wish you the best of the best. thank you for not only helping yourself, but myself as well. you have no idea how much your words have inspired me. good luck. if you need anything, i am here for you.
from purgingme :
you do not give yourself enouph credit for all the work you are putting into staying/getting better. i know you wont fall, and if you start to slip my hand is here. and silly girl you notes always make me smile. you should know that by now! we should talk on aim some time but i never see you signed on. take care dear. xo sharla
from goldieknox03 :
A date thats awesome! And that orange chicken sounds great!
from anainsight :
Thanks hon, for your sweet note. It's been so good to know that people care that it's made it a lot easier to cope with my father's death. I'll miss him a lot, but it really was the kindest thing. Take care of yourself and stay strong. love carole
from homerismygod :
Aww, a date! That is so adorable, I hope that you had a lot of fun.
from suzza :
I am so proud of you Gwenn ^_^... so proud! Also, I am okay. Me and my friends were drinking, but as I am bulimic and on meds, alchohol hits me differently, more slowly but stronger, and I got wasted and this guy... well ,we all know how stories like this work. I did kiss him, though. Meh. There's only so much hating you can do in a day.
from freaknuraw :
I got the job Gwen!!! I am so sorry it took me this long to tell you the news. I was hired on the spot, but I have been so sick with this sinus infection, and tonsilitus. I hope all is doing well, and when I get my voice back I will call you. I am so glad we have finally gotten back in touch. I love you my gorgeous. Take care, and I will talk to you soon. <3 always, your Jori
from brilleetoile :
The note you left me brought a smile to face where that small action these days was nearly impossible. Thank you for your kind words. <3
from infinityfye :
your writings fill me up with hope I have forgotten exists. keep going brave one and you'll find a cure...you'll find a cure.
from suzza :
I'm glad you had a good day. But don't let those pills dictate when you can or can't. And we all know you really care ^_^. Take care, Gwenny, and have a wonderful friday as well.
from homerismygod :
you are so so strong. it's amazing how memories like the ones you have with jori can keep you happy.
from purgingme :
my dear friend Gwen, the notes you leave me always bring a smile to my face even when no other one will grace me all day. i wish that the worlds you leave for me you would tell yourself. and i know you do, sometimes have hope and faith for yourself, let those beliefs always be with you. i have faith in you, that you will beat this hell out of your life. you will be all that you dream for yourself. i believe in you. xo sharla
from crazybeauty1 :
thank you so much for your advice. it means a lot to me that someone actually does care. i know that i need help i just dont want it. i feel like this is the only thing i have right now cuz my life is so crazy. i'm also extremly afraid to tell anyone. the people online who read my diary are the only one's who know the real me. it's just such a huge secret and i can't tell.
from suzza :
I agree with the last note. Chuck the thing out the window... preferably a third story window. You're so much more than a number. So cliche but so true. About the guy: he is thiry. that's the thing. but he looks and acts as though he is about 24. hot with an impossible last name. a little shorter than me, but deeply passionate about the things he loves. sigh. and this is one of the reasons why i am staying in this town.
from purgingme :
throw that scale away girl! brake the chains. it scares me to see you loosing weight, i hope you take better care of yourself. thinking of you. xo sharla
from ethereal-red :
Gwen, your diary doesn't glorify anything. It just tells the truth. That's what I love about it.
from imanobody00 :
I know you are right. Although between grades, finding an apartment, and financial aid..... I'm losing it. Math is actually my major, but I have a 1.7 in my calc. You are so smart though, I'm sure you will do fine in your classes. You will be a doctor, just never give up! I hope you eat more than 600 calories hon, that is not very much. I worry about you. ~You are worth so much more xoxo Charity
from emaciana :
hey... my doc wants to put me on celexa... but i'm so scared of meds. side effects like gaining weight, plus scared that i'll lose myself and not know what is me and what is the meds... haha i already have enough trouble figuring out what reality is. i hope you dont slip back into the ED trap. 600 cals is really not enough. take care of yourself. × tia ×
from ethereal-red :
Oo, I hate math. I wanted to be a doctor SO BADLY all my life and when I started college and went pre-med, I couldn't make the math classes. I failed them. I had to settle for being a psychology major instead. I wish I was better at math!
from ethereal-red :
I've been off Zyprexa (which made me gain 55 pounds up to 170) a few months. When I went off it, I did indeed lose a bit of weight without trying. I'm on Seroquel now, which I was on before the Zyprexa. You're one of my favorites and I read your diary religiously. I relate to you a lot and also worry about you a lot. I do have hope, though, that some day both of us will be better.
from purgingme :
i deep breath of relief. i was worried for you gwenny. i always feel like a voice of reason when i have none for myself but be mindfull of those low calories. you know its a bit low, especialy for you. thats my two cents. loves ya, sharla
from tfrunner262 :
Sorry, I didn't read your note before I posted the one below this. But, seriously, don't worry too much about the Algebra II, ok. I took it in high school and hated it. Once you're through you move on to the lovely (haha) world of calc -- but for some people calc is easier than algebra (myself included). My roomie frosh year at Purdue hated her Algebra II class and I found it was pretty hard when I looked over her exams with her. I know she said that there was a good curve in her class and she ended up with a C+ that would have been an F on the normal grading scale. Just keep on going -- and if it takes twice through, it'll be way easier the second time!
from tfrunner262 :
I think the whole diet thing you are starting sounds like a good way to start off -- especially since you're willing to give yourself a range of calories and not just one number. I have found that staying away from anything sweet only gets easier over time because, actually, after you've done it for a while you will no longer crave anything sweet at all. When you do eat sweets, in addition to their effect on your sugars, often times if you haven't already eaten anything else I guess the acids in your stomach won't be able to take it so well, and what I've been told is that in order to prevent feeling sick you can drink fruit juice. I don't know how well this works, or if it works, but I just thought I'd pass it on -- my dietitian keeps telling me stuff like that. Also, you shouldn't worry too much about math because you really won't need to have too vast a knowledge of it to be a doctor. All my friends who were pre-med only had to take the same amount I needed for bio -- which was only up to calc II (below multi-variable). If you can just pull through your math classes, you won't really have to worry about seeing too much math again after that. I hope that everything goes well with school and your new diet plan -- you've been really strong with all that you have been through lately! luvs, ~Kris~
from purgingme :
i wish you would take care of yourself and i wish i could hold your hand when things are tough, as they are now. please take care of yourself. much love. sharla
from homerismygod :
you are amazing, to be there for your friend at 3 a.m. not many people would do that, especially with how you were feeling that day.
from imanobody00 :
You are so great, I just wish you could see how truely amazing you are. It means alot to me that you take the time to leave me such nice notes. It hurts to read all you are going through. I wish I could help you in some way. Hang in there, you are stronger than you know. xoxo ~Charity
from tfrunner262 :
That sounds like a lot of work and a TON of writing!!! I'll be doing much of the same with the writing in the next couple weeks. Last semester, I wrote some research papers on FDA bans, and mostly drug related issues... well, in addition to others on the history of the Carribean, Mexico and South America, lol. Anyway, in doing all of that, I never went to the library once because Purdue had an online selection of books and e-journals. I just thought that if your school has that it could be really helpful to you. You might be able to find a lot of useful stuff in BMJ online if you just google it too. Otherwise, if your school doesn't have e-journal subcriptions or online books and you don't have the time to move in and take up residence at the library, just let me know through e-mail or something and I could give you my password from Purdue which shouldn't expire till this June. Take care and keep fighting Gwen!!! luvs, ~Kris~
from suzza :
Hey kid. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate your sweet notes... I really hope you come to a point in your life where you are able to take care of yourself to the extent you deserve to be taken care of. Get a foothold, a handhold, enough to feel good, because you can't keep doing this :( You scare me so much! Things will get better because they must. Remeber that. Love, Amanda.
from sarahbum :
hey i have been reading your diary off and on for a few months and i just wanted to tell you that you sound like a very sweet girl!! xoxo Sarah
from writergrrl88 :
you deserve better than the hand this life is dealing you. i sincerely hope that some day you can realize that. you're a good person. *e-hugs* ~lita~
from imanobody00 :
Oh I am so sorry honey! That guy is such an asshole. You can't let him get the best of you though. It's not your fault what he did to you. Not recently, but in the past I had a similar situation. Telling my story to a guy I trusted. Ever since I've been harrassed every where I go. Everything I told him, he twisted. Said when he was w/ me it was like screwing a pig. But thats a whole other story. You are amazing, no dickhead is going to change that. I just wish you could see how great you are. Hang in there, you will get through all this. And eventually you will be standing up to those people who yell at you. I hope you and your friends find a way to stop that jerk. Please, take care of yourself. Lots of (((Hugs))) ~Charity
from tfrunner262 :
Congrats on the job, LoL what I wouldn't give to sell liquor sometimes... hehe :) Anyway, I totally understand the whole sinking in school work thing! I just hope so much that all of your work will pay off in the end!!! I know that although I am constantly busy here and afraid that it's gonna break me in the end, I am at least getting grades to match my effort so far. That is more than I can say for Purdue anyway!!! I forget if the UCLA (hope I got that part right!!!) that you go to is really big or not. I mean, Purdue was 40,000 people and I know that missing classes there never really mattered as long as you did ok on the exams -- that was the hard part! Hopefully, your school isn't corrupt and thus you'll end up doing fine. It sounds like you have a decent balance of work and school, afterall you study more than your friends :) Besides, you need some fun mixed in there! Stay strong cause it sounds like you're doing really well. We all have our small slips along the way and I know they are sooo disappointing, but you're not alone in that and we can all keep improving. Oh, and you said something about that guy -- I guess he's just being a jerk, but I'm not gonna let it get to me b/c guys can all be so stupid sometimes! Anywayz, take care, Luv, ~Kris~
from emaciana :
ooh, i hear you with the assignment thing, just letting yourself sleep and have fun and not getting any work or studying done. i'm struggling with that big time. letting emotional issues get in the way, interfering with my schoolwork. congrats on the liquor store job
from imanobody00 :
It is great you are doing so much to help others at your college. You have such a big heart! Good luck with your speach on racism, I'm sure you will be great. I know everything you wrote me is true. I honestly think I'm getting better, slowly. You just give me so much hope. You have been through so much, and you are doing so great. You are amazing! Take Care hun, hope college is going well for you. xoxo~Charity
from purgingme :
you always amaze me. with your kindness and thoughts. you are so much more than you see. i wish your ed would just leave you so you could see how amazing you are. you give me faith in the human race when i feel like people are the down fall of this earth. by the way. take your meds girl. dont backslide now. but you know that. :) love you much. xo sharla
from tfrunner262 :
Just keep on trying Gwen, it may hurt to do so or be difficult, but you ARE strong enough and in the end you're going to end up being very successful. It can be so hard to learn to deal with yourself when you are gaining or going up in weight, there is always that one part that just wants to lose it all -- and then some. But you have to be stronger than that part because, like you said, losing weight will never REALLY make you happy. Honestly, the way that I find works best is just not weighing myself very often. I just got rid of any scales that I had or that were around and now I only weigh myself at the gym once in a while. I find this works well because it helps you forget about weigh (AND because you don't get the opportunity to weigh yourself at the gym very often without a bunch of people looking over your shoulder while they wait to use the scale!!!). If you have too much trouble, it may be something to consider. In the meantime, it sounds like you're doing pretty well and you just have to stay strong and keep going :) Take care, Luv, ~Kris~
from suzza :
Oh Gwennie. I'm sad to hear things are not going well for you. One day you will get the hang of things! But it's nice to know I'm not the only one with a room-mate like that ^^
from homerismygod :
you are amazing. i know what you mean by being a liberal in a town full of republicans. it's how i feel when i go home. take care!
from freaknuraw :
Gwennie, we haven't talked in ages. I miss you horribly as well. Things here have been complicated but alright. Except for a few things, everything is honestly great. I have someone now, his name is Charlie. Today makes us an official month. No guy has ever treated me so respectfully, and he makes me happy. Baby CJ is in heaven... but I am so angry at his mother for doing that... I miss you, LOADS. Love you so much, always Jori
from tfrunner262 :
Wow, good luck on all of those exams!!! It sounds like you have a lot of work to do and if you can get all that stuff done, then there is no way I'd say you're any kind of slacker for ditching classes. Some of the smartest people I knew at Purdue never went to any of their classes -- just a couple labs, and they were pharmacy majors. Although I don't know what exactly your major is, I know that I only had to go up to CalcII for mine plus I would have needed some stat if I'd have stayed at Purdue. Hopefully, you won't have to worry too much about taking that many more math classes. I remember hating all the homework in those too!!! We used to have answer key books you could buy, and it was so tempting to just copy out the solutions (they showed the work and all!). Put it this way, as long as you're actually doing the problems you'll probably be fine. Also, I really hope that your tailbone heals well! And keep up the good work with not purging very often -- I know you can do it!!! Oooh, and I just have to add, you are soooo LUCKY to be able to go swimming this time of year!!! I'd be ditching class for that every now and then myself!!! Take care of yourself, luvs, ~Kris~
from purgingme :
dearest gwen, i know how hard you have been working, and it makes me sad that you have slipped up. but you know what, thats all it was, a slip and you have control to start anew. you are so strong, an amazing woman and have survived so much. dont give up on yourself. i wont. xo sharla
from freaknuraw :
Gwennie I miss you so much. Things haven't been good here... and I haven't been on much. I love you so much, and I hope your doing ok. Not a day goes by I don't think about you. I am feeling so lost right now, and I just miss you... miss Cali... xoxoxo <3 Jori
from fan4 :
Yea! Things are working fine now. :D I'm happy I was able to help you out.
from fan4 :
That's the coding for my previous and next buttons.
from fan4 :
<a href="%%prev%%">last</a> & <a href="%%next%%">next</a>
from fan4 :
The codes for your "previous" and "next" buttons need to be changed.
from imanobody00 :
Thankyou so much for leaving me a note. Reading your entries gives me hope, you are so strong and have survived so much. I also saw your pictures and you are so beautiful. I hope you are doing alright. I wrote about my grades in my diary. Try and take care of yourself hon! ~Charity
from homerismygod :
hope you're okay! <3 <3
from purgingme :
hi babe, that thing with the phone card, that sounds like something i would do! im such a clutz sometimes. dont beat yourself up about that. just lauph it off, if you can. to answer your question: i talked with shannon about my episode that i had the other day. she thinks it was dissasociated. it makes sence to me except i havent felt like that in a long time and when i have its been when i was suicidal. except this time i wasnt wanting to harm myself. make any sence? sorry i just woke up. duh. there are no plans for any other treatment for me except DBT which i have three months left on my contract. three months left with shannon and if it doesnt help ill probably sign another contract for another six months. ah sorry, blabbing here. shoudl just email you. i hope your doing ok and taking care of yourself. i have to say i see something different in your writings these days. i see hope and my thoughts are with you. xo sharla
from small-one :
KEEP TRYING TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF!!! keep doing it. even though it's complete SHIT at times, it just HAS to be worth it, right? i mean, it just has to be. xoxoxoxo
from cocainewhite :
I hope you are feeling okay, I'm sorry your mom is being a hag. I'm sure everything will work out love. <3
from scarchild :
Hi, thanks for your words and your kindness. You too have a beautiful soul. :o) x
from tfrunner262 :
You are sounding so much happier today Gwen! I am proud of you for not giving up at all. I hope that you still get to go see your friends and have a good time :) Luvs, ~Kris~
from fan4 :
I like your entries, but I really wish you'd fix your previous and next buttons.
from poorpisces :
Hey sweetie, don't feel so down. One step at a time. You fight one bad urge at a time, as they come up. You know what you have to do to take care of yourself. My advice to you hon is to put aside the people that cause you to feel this way. I know it's very hard to do with family (believe me, I know) but if your mother does this to you, you should put as much distance between yourself and her as possible. Even mothers aren't worth killing yourself over. You have to look after YOU. Take the support from strong, happy and worthy people. Leave behind all that dead weight.
from tfrunner262 :
Wow, your mom sounds quite harsh... I mean $30?! That isn't bad at all compared to your brother's! I'm sorry to hear that she makes you feel bad, but I guess she just doesn't see how strong you are... or maybe she's going through some stuff herself. Either way, I am proud of you for hanging in there and taking your insulin. I hope that you can continue to go to school and all because I know how much it means to you. I think that your mother will probably get over this someday. Just keep blocking any hurt that she causes because you are doing great and that's something to be proud of!!! Keep it up :) Luvs, ~Kris~
from suzza :
Hi Lovley :) You ARE my friend. And remember, it's only a failure if you let it be. As tacky and cliche as that sounds, it's true... don't, please, let yourself quit.
from purgingme :
Dearest Gwen, why is it that your notes always leave a smile on my face. you are so kind, i love you dear. but, no there is no treatment center for me. im on state medicade and they dont have an IP program for ppl like me. the one place the have threatened to send me is where the crimanly insane ppl go to when they cannot stay in jail. so there is no way i am going there. my therapist and i have been thinking about doing a 30 treatment center for drinking but right now that is the least of my problems. i still havent told her about my ED, i dont have the guts and i dont know why this secret is so dear. i wish i had the money to go to a dual diagnosis center to treat everything. ahh, i should write dr. phill. right? sorry about the long note. i should have emailed you. but keep hanging in there dear, if you will so will i. love much sharla
from fan4 :
I clicked on your "starving" button (used to go to the previous entry, but recieved an error message.
from tfrunner262 :
Gwen, you write such kind notes! Thank-you soo much :) I'm glad to hear that you are still trying -- you are so strong, and with everything you've been through, you are amazing! I know what you mean about needing to stay strong for school -- I have 16 credit hours this coming semester, so I'll be needing to stay strong for that too. I think, I've discovered while at Purdue, that the most a person can handle while sick is more like 12! I am also so glad to hear that your roommate Shiko is there for you -- she sounds like a really good friend, and trustworthy too. Take care, hugs, ~Kris~
from ponyluv :
hi :) thanks for your note. i closed this diary because i had a really unpleasant situation with a stalker. i do have a new diary (meeker @ diaryland), but i hardly ever write there. i am pony j on tf tho! hang in there, okay? {{{{{hug}}}} one day at a time, i know you will get better.
from purgingme :
your smile takes my breath away. please take care of yourself. i would like to hug you one day. xo sharla
from bone-fetish :
My Dear, you are absolutely georgous. So nice of you to put up pics, so we can put a face to these words. You are so tiny, though. Please try and take care of yourself. xoxo -Bone
from tfrunner262 :
I know this might sound a little crazy, but since you are purging what sounds like regularly again, I was wondering if you have ever tried not throwing up all of it? I know that probably sounds pointless because as long as you go through the trouble to purge, I guess it seems only natural to get rid of everything. BUT, to tell you the truth, that is what I've done in the past in order to sort of ease my way off of the habit. I know in my case I get terrible pains because my stomach is not used to tolerating that much food (by that much, I mean normal amounts). But maybe if you tried to start off one day by eating maybe a regularly sized meal of whatever you want (tell yourself it's breakfast and you'll burn it off as the day goes on) and just keep doing that each meal. If you feel the need to purge after any of the meals, either try not to if you think you can do that, or else try to keep a little bit down when you do purge. I have found that as long as you keep just a little down, your tolerance for food will pick up and your metabolism actually picks up a bit after a while of this. I don't know if this will help you at all, but I just wanted to let you know about it in case it could be of use. I know it's sooo hard to avoid purging, but I guess I always feel more like I'm trying if I keep a little down -- maybe it could help you too??? Anyway, I'll keep you in my prayers, take care :) luvs, ~Kris~
from poorpisces :
Thanks for the interst and encouragement! The bug thing is terribly daunting. If you could SEE the mess. My Virgo has been firmly entrenched in that room for over 5 years now and there is litterally CRAP piled to the ceiling. This is going to take WEEKS just to get the place clean enough that we can call an exterminator.
from no-map :
hello.. your banner brought me and I've decided to stay if that's alright. YOU CAN WIN.. it's hard to fight an invisible enemy but it IS possible! don't give in xxx
from coldandgray :
Wow! Your diary is amazing. So well written and painfully honest. You are beautiful and so smart. I wish the best for you.
from mirrors-lie :
Wow, your pictures are amazing! You are so young and beautiful. I don't mean this as an insult, but I think you're cute. You don't deserve the life you've lived and I hope you are still fighting. We've gotta be fighters for this, right? Sometimes you've just gotta smack that voice. It can't take beautiful Gwen!
from homerismygod :
You are gorgeous, don't let anyone convince you that you are not (including yourself).
from sharpsecret :
your so beautiful... you really are stunning<3
from suzza :
I noticed, my very pretty gwen ^_^. Thanks for the sweet note! No, I don't know the issues with my labs, just that there is, indeed, something wrong. Prolly not huge. Anyways, I hope that you are well. Remember, it's up to you.
from anainsight :
After I saw your pictures, I decided to give you the answers that you say you wish God would give you. First of all, you ARE beautiful. Never doubt that. And the answers that you seek you already have inside you. You KNOW you don't want to go back to the way things were in your older entries. You know you truly want to live. I know it's inside you. I know I'm not God but I don't think he'd mind me giving you those answers that you are seeking. I send you a hug from way far away down here in Georgia.
from lostunicorn :
Your beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!! Honey you can do this you deserve so much more Your so young you're got so much you can do Love always lostunicorn xxxxx
from tfrunner262 :
Gwen, your pictures are all beautiful and so are you :) Please don't go back to the way things were before -- I know taking a new path is never easy, but just think of how much it will be worth it! You have come so far since then and you know what it is like to be at those low points, but you've gotten through them now. There may be new challenges ahead, but really, I think that you are so much stronger now. I read some of your earlier entries back in the summer and I can tell that you have come so far since then. Another thing I have found, and I'm sure you have as well, is that everytime you relapse doesn't it seem just a bit worse than the time before?? You don't want to do that to yourself Gwen. You are stronger than that. Please don't give up because I know you can do it. You always seem to have faith in me even when I can't ever see an end to this in the future. You can somehow see an end to my eating disorder... and I can see an end to yours -- so if you can't see it, know that I can and I'm sure others can as well. You really have improved and become stronger, even if you can't always see it. Luvs, ~Kris~
from crazy4muffin :
You sound a lot like me at 19. I was diagnosed at 12. I am 39 now. You can see I had diabetes back when there were no glucose monitors and only one type of insulin. By the time I got to college I was a full out binge eater. My answer was to simply not take my insulin and piss out the fat. People used to say "how do you eat so much and not gain weight?" I was too ashamed to tell them. Went an entire year once without checking my sugars. I figured no news is good news. I didn't tell people I was diabetic because I didn't want their glares and comments when they saw me whoofing down candy. My feet used to burn too. So bad sometimes I couldn't sleep. I wish I could tell you what changed it for me. Hell I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment it all went better. Suffice it to say the human body can be very forgiving in your early years. I have had diabetes 27 years now. My doctor tells me every year after my exam for retinopathy that no doctor could tell I had diabetes by looking at my eyes. I had a surgery recently as was told I heal faster than most people, not most diabetes, but most people. I finally quit looking at my ass and body and looked towards other goals= law school, projects, etc. After that the other just fell in place. Hang in there kid. It is always darkest before the dawn.
from purgingme :
you are doing amazing dear star. really. every step you take forward means more than the one back. every little step counts. i find it truely brave that you told your dr. that you needed to come back sooner than three months. one month is a safe time, long enouph to keep your future, that appointment in mind. i really am so proud of you. love you so much. xo sharla
from mirrors-lie :
Gwen, the thoughts are strong but they are there. You are fighting, struggling, but wanting to live is not cowardly, you need to keep up your determination because that alone can set you free. I am working towards a recovery of some sort. I will try to not let this take my life. We both have so much more to do still. Our fight will continue for now, please make yours easier for you. Erica.
from comfortm :
haha thanks!
from ponyluv :
Stay away from that liquor store from now on okay? It sounds like a really bad situation waiting to happen. Maybe you could even report him to the police for sexual harassment/being drunk on the job/something. Stay safe!
from brilleetoile :
I'm glad I could make your day less grey. You really inspire me. I found out what my itchy rash thing is.. it's mites. I got them from my sister. But they were like all over my body, like chicken pox. They're driving me insane. But good luck, and take care of yourself. I'm proud of you for the recovery you are making... I had an eating disorder, and so did my best friend, and I know how bad they can be... and i'm proud of your progress. Take care. {{{hugs}}} --Brittany
from homerismygod :
First of all- Happy New Year's. Time to throw the old calendars away and start over again. YOU CAN DO THIS! It's going to be hard in the beginning, you have to keep trying. You're going to hate yourself and feel like all this pain isn't going to be worth it in the end. Keep fighting, we all have so much faith in you! Even if you give up, just know that we will never give up on you.
from tfrunner262 :
Please keep pushing through the tough times Gwen. I know it hurts to look at your recovery as a failure, but you need to realize that you haven't failed because even the slightest improvement deserves to be acclaimed. I remember that when I went back to my psychologist after my entire grasp on recovery had fallen apart, I told her that I was sorry that I had failed to get better and that I was right back where I started. She told me that what I had done was not failure at all because I had taken a big step in the right direction and that a little slip along the way could be expected. What was important was that I had been recovered/in remission for so long. The same goes for you. Where you are right now might feel just the same as where you were before -- but it isn't because you started to see life without this disease. I can't tell you how free I felt after the first couple of months of recovery, and how terrible I felt after only the first five minutes of failure. What you need to remember is that you have been strong, and that you can fight this -- you've done it before and you just need to take one step at a time and maybe try for a little more each time. Like my psychologist told me, we all slip at some points in our lives -- what matters is that we get back up. I hope so much that you can see that as well, please keep trying. Take care, luv, ~Kris~
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie, my heart. i LOVE YOU. HAPPY NEW YEARS I LOVEYOU I LOVEYOU YOU SWEET GIRL YOU ARE A PART OF MY HEAR I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from numb-thepain :
a particular message in your guestbook doesn't sound very helpful... *wonders* Anyway, I am glad that your friend Shiko* brought you home... I am glad that you survived the holidays, no matter how shittily it went... fuck that... start clean with the new year, okay? you can do this. seriously hun... wishing you the best in 2005! i love you so much... *hugs you* xoxo <3
from tfrunner262 :
I'm sorry to hear that your holiday didn't go too well. Everything you said about all of the food and temptation sounds like exactly what I am going through right now. I suppose it can be looked at as somewhat positive simply because things have been much worse before. At any rate, now that you are out of there maybe things can be pieced back together. I hope that everything begins to get better for you soon because you deserve it so much. You are such a wonderful person, don't let anyone drag you down. Please take care and have a nice New Years! Luv, ~Kris~
from writergrrl88 :
you got out of there alive, and now that you're home you can get back to being better. i have faith in you, as always. *hugs* <3 ~lita~
from just-fine :
Angel, i hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Snuggle up and watch the fairy lights, laugh and smile, and most importantly treat yourself kindly. I will be thinking of you. xxxxxxx
from numb-thepain :
oh... and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! :D lol!
from numb-thepain :
Hun I am SO PROUD of you! I love you so much! I know you can do this! *cheers* I am so glad that you stopped yourself from purging - I know what a struggle that can be. Thank you SO much for calling me today! That was all I needed to have an amazing Christmas, or to get THROUGH it hun... honestly that and how well you are doing and how hard you are trying are the most amazing Christmas presents I've ever gotten! :D I love you! You can do this hun! Keep up the amazing work! We are all SO PROUD OF YOU!!! *hugs* xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxox <3 you!
from genuine-risk :
Sweetie, I'm ok now. BG down to normal, no more ketones. Thanks for your concern. I'm off to Chicago for Xmas. I LOVE YOU.
from xpasdechat :
thank you for leaving me a note. I love reading your diary because I can relate to it a lot. You're an amazing person. -Christine
from writergrrl88 :
i hope all goes as well as possible with your trip home. i have faith in you. <3 ~lita~
from genuine-risk :
You know what to choose. I know you can do it. xoxox.
from mirrors-lie :
Thanks for your message, you're always here for me even when I've been such a crappy friend. I'm keeping up to date with you when I can, and hope you are healthy. You're a fighter - we all see it - and I wish I could be as strong as you.
from suzza :
Hi gwenni :) Thanks for leaving all those encouraging notes in my sign-book. Not a lot of people use that to comment, I guess it is kind of confusing. I'm glad you are doing well.. we will be well people one day, me and you! Even when you slip it's still amazingly far you have come, you know that? Anyways. Very merry christmas, take care, lots of love, Amanda
from purgingme :
gwen, you do not derserve any of this! this sickness, its not your fault. you are a smart strong wondeful woman. if only you could see this. im sorry that things or so terrible. take comfort in your friends over the holidays and get some rest. thinking of you. xo sharla
from anainsight :
I wish I could tell you how much I really relate to everything you said about the dark and the cold. sometimes when I'm at my lowest, it's like someone has dropped a black veil over me. my eyes darken, even in bright sunlight. But I've learned that these times are temporary and the darkness goes away. even if it seems to come back many times, each time it stays away a little longer. If I could get one of those el-cheapo plane fares, I'd send you a ticket and you could come spend Christmas with me here in Georgia. I wish I could do that because I don't want you to be sad. I wish you peace, and please take care of yourself.
from numb-thepain :
please don't hurt yourself, please hun... i know that you are hurting, but you have to have hope that one day, things WILL be better... please don't give up... please hang on hun, okay? please please please... :( :'( I am so worried about you. I love you so much... please do not hurt yourself... please.
from tfrunner262 :
Please keep going Gwen, I know it must be tough, but there are so many people out there who care about you. You have helped to give me strength countless times and you are a kind person whether you realize it or not. We can all be selfish at times I suppose, but don't go thinking that you are a selfish person because that isn't you talking -- that is you eating disorder speaking for you. This disease seems to take us over and make us forget who we really are, or who we really used to be back before it all began. Times like these will make you stronger and someday you will reach recovery and then maybe you can bring hope to others by telling them your story. You have so much ahead of you. Don't worry about your grade (if it makes you feel better, I'm sure I'll be joining you there -- and I wasn't even in the hospital for half the semester like you were!!!) and just keep your goals in front of you. We can all see that you are smart and talented just by your writing. In the end, you aren't going to be a test taker anyway, no one is. You have next semester in front of you with new grades, and new friends, and whatever you want to make of it. I hope that your Christmas doesn't go too badly and that your mother will be sympathetic toward you and that you can get along ok. Please take care and stay strong, Luv, ~Kris~
from numb-thepain :
Hun, is there no way you could rewrite the final? I guess that uni is different than highschool... way different... but there must be exceptions... like for students with difficulties like yours or with ADD or something...? That really sucks hun. <3 Could you explain it to him? Could you talk to Joseph about the money so you can see your family (if that's what you decide to do) and buy the Christmas presents you needed to buy? It sounds like things are really shitty... I wish I could make them all better for you. :( :'( Stay strong, okay? I believe in you... and I never will stop believing, I promise you. <3
from numb-thepain :
im really mad that you're "friends" did that to you. tell your friend that your money doesn't support her unhealthy drug habits and you need it back asap for christmas presents... ugh that is so unthoughtful of her. does matt care about any of the things that happened? even though he "loves" you... he doesn't care that you have been evicted and stolen from? :( i want the best for you... i hate that you dont' have it. i love you so much.. :( :'(
from genuine-risk :
:( I'm here if you want to talk. xoxox.
from genuine-risk :
Oh sweetie, you must be exhausted right now from your exams. You don't have to put a happy face on to still be succeeding. I miss you and love you. Remember, if things get rocky at home and you feel like you're slipping, you can always go back to the dorms for a day or two. I did that many times at college. LOVE YOU.
from purgingme :
what can one say, to ease your pain, to lift it off you back for just one moment. i hope the holidays provide you a much needed rest. keep on, keeping on. one day things will be much better. you are on the path to happy days. just try to keep on. with much love, xo sharla
from numb-thepain :
that Joseph guy doesn't sound like a very good friend :P Please don't give up hun... please. I am really scared for you. Those better things that you talked about, the "unattainable" ones ARE attainable if you keep fighting... we have to believe there is something, we have to... if we don't... we will never be able to live freely. we have to try... please hun. please don't give up... please. you've worked way too hard for this. i love you so much. *hugs*
from tfrunner262 :
Please keep trying, even if things get tough. We all have our ups and downs and there are times that I want out of it all just as much as you do -- but we cannot give up. I hope that your trip home will go well and that you can have a nice Christmas. Please try to stay as strong as you can, I know that you have the determination it takes! Oh, and, yeah, I'd be more than happy to give up smoking with you this New Years -- but lets hope that I'm not addicted enough to keep smoking till New Years!!! Usually, I only smoke at parties and never actually smoked on daily basis till this last week... so we'll see :-\ I hope you did well on your finals!!! I actually may have passed one of mine, which is better than nothing I guess. You are so lucky to have never gotten lower than a B on anything!!! I used to be like that, then when I took AP classes and came here and that all changed, lol. Way to go though! Oh, and with the drinking, have you ever drank after eating a fairly normal meal?? It really does worlds of good for your tolerance! Take care, luvs, ~Kris~
from homerismygod :
You have to push on, and one day, when you feel like you just can't push on anymore, you will realize what you have been fighting for all along. It's not going to be easy and it's going to seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but you just have to keep fighting.
from numb-thepain :
hun, please only go home for the holidays if that is what YOU want. please do not go because you feel obligated to, and please DON'T worry about breaking your mother's heart... how many times has she broken YOURS over the past DAYS? let alone years. you need to take care of YOU hun... <3 i love you so much! *hugs* xooxoxoxo ali
from of-fools :
Got your note and figured that I should reply with my usual overly pragmatic advice. :) The Pell Grant *should* come through the school - you should be able to contact the Business Office of your college, and set things up through them. And dear God, get your SS check away from your mother before she buys anymore clothing! That's very, very illegal.
from you-wonder :
hi gwen :) thank you for your kind note, it made me feel better. it is really sad to see how many girls out there live in this ed hell, but it is also so reassuring to see them all banding together for support. it really gives me hope for myself and for you and for all the other girls. diaryland seems like a big happy friendly support group sometimes!! well thanks for checking out my diary and feel free to leave me more notes. i hope you are having a good day and don't forget how valuable you are as a person. <hugs>
from you-wonder :
hi gwen :) thank you for your kind note, it made me feel better. it is really sad to see how many girls out there live in this ed hell, but it is also so reassuring to see them all banding together for support. it really gives me hope for myself and for you and for all the other girls. diaryland seems like a big happy friendly support group sometimes!! well thanks for checking out my diary and feel free to leave me more notes. i hope you are having a good day and don't forget how valuable you are as a person. <hugs>
from anainsight :
Gwen, listen to me. What your mother is doing to you is illegal. You need to call the Social Security office right away and tell them your mom is spending your social security check. You need to open up your own personal checking account in your own name without her being on it and have the check directly deposited into that account. I know it seems hard, but trust me, it's your right. Please keep up the good work. I think of you often and I am praying for you. peace!
from genuine-risk :
It made my day to see you online this morning (though it was the middle of the night for you). Good luck on your exam!!!
from numb-thepain :
hun you have been working so hard! please don't throw it all away... i love you so much. :( :'( i really liked reading your autobiography... it was sad, though. i didn't know half of those things about you. our lives were *so* different before we met, and now it seems like they are very much the same... in a way. anyway please take care. i love you so much!
from genuine-risk :
You can't be perfect. As much as we would like to be perfect, we aren't. Don't let this slip up derail you. You are incredible and wonderful and strong. You are going to make it.
from genuine-risk :
P.S. It makes me SO HAPPY that you are reading the book I sent!!!!! :-D
from genuine-risk :
You are such a survivor. I love you for that. xoxox.
from suzza :
I am SO encouraged and impressed with the way you fight. I'd want you on my team if we were playing dodgeball for sure ;) (shudder, bad pe memories)... I really know you can do this! You've gone so far. PS. Look at the recipie. Pumpkin is a vegetavble and I would get protien from the eggs/nuts.. .and they were pretty big/multiple ;) But I had soup and ryvita too, don't fear.
from genuine-risk :
I am so incredibly proud of you that I cannot articulate it. I love you. You are AMAZING. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. You are winning Gwennie, you are winning the fight. Love you.
from anainsight :
I can't believe how awesome it is that you stopped yourself from bingeing. wow, that is a REAL milestone. And you are NOT dirty or lazy or a waste on society. You are beautiful and perfect and unique. And just think, there is no one else in the world like you. No one else is the same and no one could ever take your place. my professor told me that the other day. I thought I'd pass it along to you. peace!
from numb-thepain :
hun you are being SO strong and i am SO proud of you... i love you so much... please keep going, please keep taking care of yourself... i love you too much to see you as sick as you were again. i love you so much... please stay strong! *hugs you*
from andmia :
WOW that is a HUGE step in recovery. You checked in with yourself in the middle of a binge....you vae definitely learned a lot... and are on your way to kicking this ed in the ass...as always--i am rooting for you
from tfrunner262 :
It's so great to hear that you are doing well. Keep it up! I'm trying to get better slowly and it's motivational to hear how much better you have been feeling. I'm so happy for you :) I am, however, soo sorry to hear about that exam! I've had the exact same thing happen to me before -- maybe if you're lucky it happened to a lot of people, or maybe there will be a good curve? I think that I lucked out and got hit by a nice curve when it happened to me. Also, that sounds like it would be a little annoying to have your roommate eat all of the food -- maybe there are meal plans possible through your school? I know Purdue has meal plans that even the off-campus students can buy if they want. If she could get something like that she'd have the all-you-can-eat dining hall or something and maybe she'd stop taking all your food :) I don't know if you have that though... Anywayz, I just wanted to drop you a note, and also thank you for all of the nice notes you have left me. Take care, luv, ~Kris~
from anainsight :
Thank you so much for the kind notes. No, I don't know what's up with my A1C. My sugars run in the 200's to 300's almost on a daily basis even though I hardly ever binge or purge, and I never skip my insulin. I take Novalog. Instead of putting me on Novarapid he just keeps upping the dose of Novalog. He's the only diabetic specialist in my part of town and I'm not entirely sure he knows what he's doing. I may have to start driving all the way up into downtown Atlanta to see a decent specialist. Wish me luck! I am so, so proud of you. Good luck with all your finals this year!
from anainsight :
Hi, I am so glad to know that you are doing well. I have been praying for you and I have thought of you often. I am so proud of you. I'm kind of proud of myself too, because I might pull off two A's this semester. That would be way cool. however I'm not happy about my A1C reading, it's still 13. I try not to binge and I don't skip my insulin even though it's so tempting sometimes. anyway, I don't mean to bore you with my problems but I did so much want to say hey to you and tell you how happy I am for you. I hope you will have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year, full of new joys yet to come. peace and love from way down here in Georgia.
from dissolving :
Thanks for the support. The problem with the state that I live in is that there is nowhere to go. There is nowhere near me at all. I'm really glad to read that you're doing better. You desearve it.. I hope you can continue down this path and be truely happy.
from genuine-risk :
Thank you for the support dearest Gwennie. I really need it. Love you.
from clotis :
Thank you very much for the note. I just want you to know that I've been eating properly. No one really knew how much I wasn't eating over the summer, just Glendon. He's been supplying my lunches lately. I "forget" my money so I won't eat alot throughout the day, but he buys me something anyway. I just ate peas, potatoes and chicken, which is a really good meal, but now I'm tired. I feel like if I sleep now I'll gain more. But I wouldn't know because I've kept myself from looking at the scale for awhile. It's not so much that I'm not eating now, but my body is so grateful that I'm consuming food that I over eat. I'm not one for purging, cry every time I do it, so I just gain. Right now that's my biggest concern. This summer when I stopped eating it started with just not eating after supper. That made me lose weight right off the bat. I should have just stayed at that and been healthy. I never lost enough weight to make it obvious, I wish I had. I'd give anything to look like the girls at school. I find myself staring at their abnormally small waists, and these are girls I see eat everyday at lunch without even thinking about it. I'm amazed that someone can be born so small. It just makes me detest myself even more. There are some good days where I don't really care. There are others where I just want to break down and cry. I just wish I had friends to talk to, but I don't. I'm alone in my world, there are just people all around me. I know I could make more of an effort, but I feel like, if they really wanted to be with me they'd come up to me first. I've tried so hard so many times that I just want to give up. Anyway, I guess I've wrote this one long enough. Sorry to take up your time. I hate when I make others listen to my problems like they don't have their own. Bye.
from suzza :
Hi darling. The note was really sweet :) Is there any way you can get disabilty time in your tests? If you speak to someone in the counselling centre, they can arange for extra time and or a quiet room to do it in. It would be worth looking into. My counsellor at my uni offered it to me, but my stuff doesn't interfere with my exams.. just my studying lol. Anyways, I've been following, and for progress to be permanent, it has to be hard-earned, I would think. You're fighting hard for something that will be WORTH it. Take care, and do your best, you've been through a lot.
from numb-thepain :
thanks for the note hun... it means a lot to me. i won't die, i promise, okay? i love you. im glad that you are trying so hard... please keep it up. you deserve a better life than this... much, much better. <3
from homerismygod :
You are so amazing that it blows my mind. You didn't brush off the one purge, but you didn't let it bring you down either. That is the true meaning of recovery. It's about understanding that it's okay to make mistakes and that everyone makes them.
from silentpearl :
Your doing well and I am so proud of you. Don't worry about your sociology exam. The same thing happened to me in my history exam. It's like they don't give you enough time! But it's not your whole grade and if you did well on the other parts then you should be fine. Don't let such a small part of your day get you down. Good luck with the rest of your exams.
from me-destruitt :
You should be so proud of yourself...you stumbled, but you didn't stay down. It's going to get tough at times, but you just have to remember what's really important, and realize how far you've already come. I believe in you; I know you can recover if it's what you really want. I've been reading you for some time now, and you're so much stronger than you realize or give yourself credit for. Best of luck, Hun. Take care of yourself, because you deserve this. -Laura
from numb-thepain :
"if i am going to feel sick doing well, why not feel like hell was being ill?" I feel the same way about myself hun, but we have to persevere okay? I love you... I am still really worried about you, but your personal strength shines through in each of your entries and I know you can do this. Hug your roomie for me, okay? please take care... xoxo ali
from numb-thepain :
please stay strong hun. you CAN do this. i am so proud of you. xoxoxox <3
from genuine-risk :
What a miracle, an inspiration, a gift you are. Remarkable young woman. I know you can do it. It's all what you make it from now on, and you know you can succeed. xoxoxoxo.
from suzza :
Hi Gwen :) it's been a while, but I am so glad to hear you are doing well! I have a lot of faith in you; you are one of the most deserving people I know. So be strong, fight, and I will pray for you... because once you get better on your own terms, you really won't want to go back :) I'll pray for you, if that's okay :)
from fat0free0air :
It's good to have you update, I was wondering where you had gotten to. Stay strong <3
from genuine-risk :
I think of you so often. Right now I don't know what to say. So I hope you will forgive me for not being as vocal and as in touch as I have been before. I care about you and I want you to succeed. I know you are capable Gwen. I know you can do it. You just have to put one foot in front of the other, every second, every day. Love to you.
from numb-thepain :
my new addy: diy_strange@hotmail.com please delete this note after reading it... i don't want my email addy to be out in the open, k? :D love you! take care.. <3
from numb-thepain :
hi hun! i am glad to hear that you are doing well, despite your shitty time at home. :) i am so proud of you! keep up the good work, okay? i rarely go to my old journal very much but you can email me if you want... ill put that in a separate note. :D take care! xoox *hugs* i <3 you! :) :D
from katzmiaow :
Hey - I've been reading your diary. Just wanted to let you know that I think you are beautiful. (((hugs))) katz
from numb-thepain :
there IS something better hun, and i am so proud of you for trying as hard as you are. i love you! xoxox ali
from schampy :
your pain sounds all too familiar to me, and all i can say is i'm sorry that you have to feel that way. i can't say anything more because i'm in your spot too. though i would like to tell you i think you're brave and wonderful and you have hope just by being in that hospital.
from numb-thepain :
*agrees with sharla* hun, maybe could you ask to *not* see your weight? i know how much it hurts to gain that fast... i gained 13 pounds in 15 days in the hospital. *cries* but hun, it's not like you're getting fat... i know it feels like that, but you're just getting back some of the nutrients that you've lost, and getting rehydrated because purging makes you really dehydrated... please don't give up hun. i love you. *hugs* you can do this... xoxo ali
from purgingme :
i hope hospital will help you this time. dont give up on yourself. i wont, never ever give up on you. xo sharla
from numb-thepain :
I hope its okay i put the note to you in my diary... and ive been wanting to ask you this, even though its kind of a stupid question... does the password i gave you for my journal bother you? bc i can change it lol. take care... happy halloween! :D xoxoo <3/... me!
from numb-thepain :
if you don't want to go through feeling sick again, you know what to do hun. i know eating feels like hell... but can it be worse than the turmoil your body has been through these past years? i know how you feel... i just can't imagine feeling that sick all the time. try to ignore that stupid comment someone made in your notes... ugh. i hate stuff like that. i was (voluntarily) IP over the weekend and the stuff people say about recovery, SI, suicide, and everything in the graffiti is disgusting. i had to clean blood off the walls in my bedroom thanks to the previous person in there showing off. my god. im glad that you and i have at least come this far, that we know how stupid things like that are. i love you so much hun... i know you can do this, honestly. i was worried that my self-frusteration in my (emai) reply to you made you offended, and have been stressing about that since... hope you weren't offended. i am just so stressed out and confused and don't know what to do. what i do know is that you and i CAN and WILL make it if we keep trying. i believe in you. remember that picture i sent you, those old ladies, us on our 6th carribean cruise? where do you want to go? :D i love you... take care. :) xoxo ali p.s. is everyone on the ward there for eating disorders? if you don't mind me asking?
from vampyrenot :
i hope you get into heaven i was on the same road you were once and then i fell off of it sadly it was the good road :)
from genuine-risk :
The bastard that said your recovery is a sham can go to hell. I love you Gwennie and I won't stop believing in you. I still do believe in you, though you might not know it. And I'm not the only one. I will send something out to you soon. I love you.
from lostunicorn :
Hiya Honey, I'm not sure what your opinion is on Christianity but I have faith that God does heal. I'll be praying for you and if you want me to pray about something in particular just send an email cas4@kent.ac.uk Love Lostunicorn x
from small-one :
your strength and courage inspire. do well.
from slipofagirl :
I know going IP again isn't what you wanted, but I can't even describe how relieved I am that you're being hospitalized again. I've been SO worried about you...the downward spiral you seem to be in, and have been for quite a while now. School will always be there to go back to. (Just ask me, the nearly-25-year-old sophomore.) Your health and life are so important... I wish you all the best. *tight hugs*
from tfrunner262 :
Best of luck to you Gwen, you'll be in my prayers. Please keep trying, you give us all hope even through the struggles of this disease. I know what it's like to be afraid of failure, but we are all human and therefore we all have that same fear and can understand. You CAN do this. Luvs, ~Kris~
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie, is it the same address as before? Expect another package. I am so relieved to read that you are going back. And it's ok, because no one can do this all at once. I love you and I am sorry that I haven't been dependable. I will be here for you again honey. XOXOXOXOXO.
from writergrrl88 :
i just want to wish you good luck with hospital and hope that you feel better soon. sending you good thoughts ... ~lita~
from mirrors-lie :
Oh god... I read your updates and do nothing. I'm so so sorry. Please Gwen, PLEASE know that I think about you, I just find it so hard to show people; anyone. I care so much about you and am so relieved you're going back into treatment. No one wants you to die. You don't want you to die. You'll be in my thoughts, always. Erica
from numb-thepain :
you are not "failing in every aspect of life", hun. you do plenty of good things each day, like being nice to your friends, taking care of widget, helping Claire and I and everyone else... don't be so hard on yourself, hun. so university wasn't the best option right now... that's okay, you're going to get through this, i promise hun. im glad that you're going back into treatment. :) try really hard, okay? i love you hun... xoxoxo *hugs* xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoox ali
from violeteyes27 :
Gwen... I read about you on anorexicweb... your story is so horrifying :^( I hope so much that one day, you will find peace. I don't think anyone realizes just exactly how much hell an eating disorder can put someone through, unless they've lived it. Keep shining.
from purgingme :
its hard to say anything that might really matter let alone make a difference. but all along i have been thinking of you, wanting for your recovery. what a nightmare you are in, no wonder death seems like a dream, but you should hold on. something better is always around the corner. you many people who love you, think of them. and just try moment by moment to take care of yourself. its all anyone can do. thinking of you. xo sharla
from writergrrl88 :
i just wanted to let you know that i'm thinking good thoughts for you. i know that you're a smart person and that you'll make the decisions you need to. i have faith in you. all the best, ~lita~
from numb-thepain :
im here for you hun. could you go home, like your mom said? how she said that you could always go home, that there's a place for you there? i think you should go to the hospital hun... :( :'( i wish i could help you. ill never give up on you or stop believeing in you hun. *hugs* xoxo ali
from genuine-risk :
I miss you so much. I got your message; my phone is messed up and is completely out of battery. I am going to charge it and call you this weekend, maybe Sunday. I love you honey.
from anainsight :
I just wanted you to know that I'm not giving up on you and I won't ever give up on you, and that there is always hope. Where there is life, there is always hope. And I want you to know that I love you. I know you don't know me but it doesn't matter. Your posts mean so much to me. I want you to know that I struggle too, and that I stand with you in your struggle. And I also want you to know that God loves you way more than I or anyone else ever could and that he wants you to get better. I'm not a religious fanatic or anything, but I do know that this is true. I'm about to take my last shot for the day, 35 units. Everytime I take my shot I think of you and I send a little prayer for you. I pray that you will love yourself enough to take your insulin. I pray that you will somehow know how much everybody that posts here loves you, and I pray that you will get yourself back into the hospital. I send you beautiful thoughts and many prayers. I also send you a hug from way far away down here in Georgia.
from ravenstears :
Oh hun, this is crazy. You don't even know me but I feel like I know you just by reading your amazing writing. Your a beautiful person and I hope and pray for your heath and happiness. If you ever need anyone, even though I'm just a stranger, feel free to contact me :) Love Casey
from tfrunner262 :
I'm so glad to hear that you are getting help, you aren't giving up as long as you keep going to get help. You are such a strong person and I know you can get through this, I will never give up on you, ever. PLEASE KEEP ON TRYING! I've never seen you, met you, or even talked to you, but I know that you can do this. There is so much more to life than this struggle, and as long as we keep on working and as long as we don't quit our recovery, we can all see beyond this and see the good things in life. Please take care, luvs, ~Kris~
from genuine-risk :
I just emailed you. I just care for you so much my sweet Gwennie. You are not chronic, you are my friend who is in pain. I love you.
from genuine-risk :
Gwen you've gotta stop this. STOP THIS! Please stop! I don't know what to do. Stop my friend, please stop. I love you so much.
from purgingme :
i wish i could say something to you to make things better. i would carry some of your burdens if only i could. im so sorry to see you slipping again. please go back to hospital if only to save your life. you are worth so much more than this pain. mybe one day you will be able to see it. xo sharla
from lorriesc :
I...I...don't know what to say anymore. Like numb the pain says, nothing seems to help. I hate to see you doing this all over again!
from numb-thepain :
he just wanted sex? he doesn't sound like a very worthy guy to be hanging around with in the first place. please don't give up hun... im glad that you're going back into treatment, though. *hugs* please take care... xoxo ali
from numb-thepain :
Gwen, we haven't given up on you. I pray that you can overcome this, please... please. ru seeing a therapist or anyone right now? are you mad at me, hun? it seems like you don't want to speak to me anymore. :( :'( xoxo p.s. timmy died :(
from freaknuraw :
Gwen I love you so fucking much. Seeing you do this kills me over and over inside. I am so scared I'm going to lose the best freind of my life. I need to talk to, but I'm so scared to. I'm so scared that I can't breath. My heart is breaking with every moment that goes by. You mean the world to me, and I look up to you so damn much. I know I can't control what you do, but I pray I could. To take away your hurt... to make you understand just how beautiful and amazing you are. I love you so much Gwennie, please call me... I need to talk to you... Please never forget how much you mean to me. Love you always, <3<3<3<3<3<3 XOXOXOXO Jori
from numb-thepain :
I don't want you to die. Please don't do this. I don't even know what to say anymore because nothing I do seems to help and I can't make you get better. Are you even getting my messages? Do you read my journal? Do you want to still be friends? :(
from bigdreamer1 :
Gwen. Do something!! Do not let yourself die. It breaks my heart to see you hurting your body so. I don't even know you but I know it is not necessary for you to die this way. I wish there was something I could do for you....some way to convince you to get better. Hang in there girl. Lot's of people care about you whether you know it or not and whether you know them or not.
from numb-thepain :
you're going to have to go back into treatment... do you think you should just see if you can go now? so you can get help without getting really really really sick again? im so worried about you hun. can i have your new addy so i can write you? no obligation *hugs* xoxo ali
from just-fine :
Gwen, you are right, so so right, i have to live. I will, i have to see you oneday, to have you come over here would make my year. I love you so much sweetheart and that will never ever change. I am scared for you too, i read your diary at college today (still can't see it at home) and went back through the past 3 entries, and it worried me. It hurts to know you've been slipping, running HI, that you've purged...i know i am a hypocrite and i'm sorry but please think about what your doing. You have come so far, and your so brave, you can get through this. I too with that we all could hang out together away from all of this, enjoy each others company and not have to worry. You have to get back on your feet Gwen, and so does Sarah. I have taken some insulin tonight, and i've only purged three times today which is great for me. We'll get there. Keep going, never give in. I am here. xoxoxo
from cuddler711 :
hey i just wanted to say hi its been a while.. thanks for added yourself to my birthday calander.. maybe ill talk to you later.. that is your choice.. hopefully all is well and you arnt doing badly with the urge.. talk to you later
from mirrors-lie :
Gwen, your notes always mean so much to me. I wish there was somewhere you could feel safe to write your thoughts because people want to know... NEED to know how you're really doing. I hope you keep updating, and I will try harder to do the same. It's hard when it's this hard, isn't it? Erica
from genuine-risk :
Oh Gwennie. It's time to hit the breaks- for both of us.
from numb-thepain :
a slow suicide.
from tfrunner262 :
PLEASE try to stay safe Gwen! Go out and have a good time, but watch out, ok. Whatever you do, don't get messed up with drugs -- at least not coke or heroin, I'm sure you've seen the reality of those can do while in treatment centers. I don't know if that is even close to what you meant by your entry, but that was the first thing to jump in my mind while reading. Keep up your hard work and have a good time too :) Luvs, ~Kris~
from writergrrl88 :
just be careful. best wishes, ~lita~
from tfrunner262 :
I hope that you're doing well, I've been struggling too lately and I can't help but remember your strength. Keep fighting! Luvs, ~Kris~
from anainsight :
Hi Gwen, I'm thinking of you. I was really disappointed by my latest A1C reading and getting all upset about myself and my insulin but I'm working on it, and I wanted you to know I was thinking about you - you hadn't made an entry in a while. I hope it's just because college life is busy. I send you a hug from way far away in Georgia!
from noneyouknow :
I hope that everything is going ok, just remember we all care about you a great deal. *hugs*
from genuine-risk :
Hi honey, I'm thinking of you. How is everything? Life is a bit of a mess for me right now but I will survive. Call me sometime- I will try you too. xoxoxoxoxo.
from just-fine :
Gwennie, i am still here, still keeping myself afloat, i hate that i worry you, but i know you cannot help it. We will always worry about each other, just know that i am trying. I haven't taken the laxatives recently, and i'm taking as much as insulin as i can let myself, more than i was. I miss talking to you, i always log into aim to see if your online but your never there. I can't get into your diary again, it's so unfair, i feel defeated. I could see it last week, just for the one time, it must have been a fluke. I don't know what is happening, the diaryland team still haven't got back to me. I hope your okay. I love you so much. How is everything going? Please tell me how you are?? I will e-mail you soon, probably tommorrow. Please don't even think i've forgotten about you, you are always in my thoughts, i am just very distant at the moment. Lots of love & hugs, Claire xoxo
from tfrunner262 :
I feel like what you are writing about this whole struggle with trying to stay better and trying to study is exactly the way I feel right now. Please keep trying. You are not alone -- I am also in the middle of this struggle to stay better and make grades and there is a girl in my calc class who is also going through this. We may feel alone, but we need to remember that we aren't. I really hope that things go well for you and that you get the grades you want and enjoy your classes! Take care, luvs, ~Kris~
from homerismygod :
Thanks for the note! Classes are good, but I find that I'm already falling behind in some. Woops! How are YOUR classes? Do you like them? Stay strong, you're doing great.
from inaptbeauty :
i love you for updating... seeing the trailing hearts of yr cursor made me smile. it surely is a sign that the dimstar i worried for her life is very much alive and kicking :) i missed you. tell me where you've been
from genuine-risk :
I love you so much. Thanks for your note. I just finished a long weeknd with RJ's parents here. I know you feel like the slipping and struggling means it will never end. But I think you're wrong. I know it's in you to succeed. Love you.
from numb-thepain :
“I am having a great time. And I fear that in a blink of an eye it will be gone.” keep that in mind hun... that you DON'T want to go back to treatment, that the ed is NOT worth it... please hun... you've worked so hard... please don't throw it all away. :( :'( *cries* please take care of yourself...
from lorriesc :
Ups and downs, you must expect them, healing from years of trauma isn't going to happen overnight, and @45 I still have demons, but you can overcome them. You're trying so hard, angel.
from manic2 :
Hey Gwen- I know I haven't left ya a message in a while- and really I'm sorry. I've been going through a really weird transition in my life- and unfortunately am slipping up with my health a little. I just read your last few months of entries and I am so happy I could cry for you. I want you to know that there wasn't a night that went by when I didn't pray for you and that although we may not leave messages in eachothers diaries as much- your storries and your success in progress has always been an inspiration to me- I wish you the best of luck- you deserve all the happiness in the world! -Nova xox
from bigdreamer1 :
I just finished reading your entire diary from start to finish. I cannot believe all that you have been through. Even though your recovery hasn't been a perfect one so far, you have come such a long way. I am glad to see that physically you are doing much better and the "mental" part will surely follow. You are a strong girl!! Keep fighting. Take Care.
from ellemalen :
hey, thanks so much for your note. i was scared you had started to hate me or something. i hope you're doing okay... i HAVE been a bit lonely lately, and i've had lots on my mind, but it's better than being dead. take care girl.
from slipofagirl :
You ROCK! Great job on going 8 days purge-free. I'm so glad you're in school and that you like it. I hope that'll be just the motivation you need to keep yourself on track and heading toward a permanant recovery. Great job!!! *hugs*
from just-fine :
:( No i still can't see the page? I logged into your diary and pressed the 'your diary' button but it was still just a blank screen. I don't want to put you to any trouble with the e-mailing, i have missed so many entries. I just don't understand. The diaryland team replied and asked what web server i have, i responded and am yet waiting for another reply. My whole computer is messed up at the moment, msn has crashed and i can't even check my e-mails now. We need to get it sorted out properly, cleared of viruses. I don't think the problem with your diary is to do with the virus though as it's only happening with dimstar and no other diaries on my buddy list. Phew sorry i'm rambling. I miss reading so much, how are you? What has been happening? Please know how much i am here for you and how much i care. You truly are my best friend Gwen, and the oceans seperating us will never change that. Love you, and hoping your well. xoxo
from sad-doll :
thank you for everything gwen. I love you and I want you to know that I think you're a beautiful person. <3 audrey.
from punkonacloud :
I am so incredibly happy to read how well you are doing. I am just bursting with optimism. YAY!!!!
from fatalbreath :
Thank you so much for leaving me that note. I know it's a death. I hate it the whole time, but it's like the only thing I can really count on. I'm trying to find a way to get help, but sometimes I think that maybe I'm subconciously preventing myself from it because it's so much a part of me, and I'm afraid of losing it. Anyway, hope things are good for you. Aly <3
from genuine-risk :
Every time I read your entries my heart just fills up with happiness- because I am so proud of you and I love you. xoxoxoxo
from kmarie420 :
Keep believing in yourself, and you will conquer this disease...I am so proud of you and how hard you have worked to reach this point in your life. Congratulations, Gwen...you are living. K
from fill-me-up :
I am very happy for you and I mean it!
from fatalbreath :
Your older entries used to make me so sad, and I'm so glad things seem to be getting better for you. You're such a special person... Jori talks very highly of you. It's so nice to be able to know you, even if it's just what's written in your diary. <3
from genuine-risk :
I love you so much Gwennie. I can't wait to talk soon. You are my hero.
from just-fine :
Gwen, i miss you so much. I'm so upset that i can't read your diary, i know i keep going on about it, i'm sorry, but i really like to be able to check how your doing. I e-mailed the diaryland support team and asked them if they knew what the problem could be, i'm still waiting for a reply. How are you? What has been happening? I was very HI last night, but then i read your note, and i went and took some insulin. Enough to bring my sugars down to a safe level. I've gained this morning, but i'm trying not to let it get to me. You never said whether you got my e-mail? I hope so, but i know our e-mails haven't always reached each other in the past. I will keep going, i promise. I don't know what else i can do. I really want to hear about you Gwennie...i am so proud of you. I want to meet you more than anything. Love you heaps xxxxxxx
from genuine-risk :
I am so proud of you! You did so well! I am so excited for you Gwennie. Thanks for your note- GOOD a1c!!! I see my endo at the end of the month- I am hoping mine is as good as yours. I am moving this weekend, but I am going to call you, maybe sometime on Saturday or Sunday, to chat. I am so proud of you- I can't say that enough. You rock. You are going to come visit me on one of your breaks in our new house and we are going to have a wonderful time! I love you.
from ethereal-red :
I'm glad your first day went well. Take it day by day- hour by hour if you have to- and things will work out for the best. Welcome to college. I hope you find that it rules just as much as I think it does. :)
from noneyouknow :
It's always hard at the start of something new. Just take it day by day and know that there are so many of us wishing you the best all the time.
from suzza :
Ohhh, that's so cool Gwen! You are very brave. You might not have felt so, but many people would have backed down. I'm proud to know you :) What is your apartment like? Is it just for you?
from punkonacloud :
Wow. I am so glad that your first day went okay. First days are always the worst. I am sure you weren't the only one who was scared and nervous today. I am so incredibly glad to hear that you are trying to recover, do well in school and make friends. hearing that you are so positive about your future has made my day. I am thinking of you and hoping things go well. Your dream is definately donable. Love Mel.
from ellemalen :
i miss you gwen. i hope you're doing okay... i know you're a strong enough person to fight sickness as much as possible, as long as it takes. i miss talking to you girl <3
from tfrunner262 :
Your dream is a very realistic goal that you can work toward. I know from reading what you write that you will make friends at college and that you will be able to put forth the effort to succeed. Sometimes, I think it is important to forget that there was ever that eating disorder. In the end, the memories will never go, but in the meantime you don't have to remain trapped in them for every moment. You have worked through some of the toughest situations life can deal to anyone and going to college and becoming a doctor will seem so much easier than what you have already fought your way through someday when you look back. I know that in my own experiences with being away at college and battling an eating disorder at the same time that it isn't easy, but I can also say that as long as you stay focused and keep up your recovery it will not be bad either. Just be careful and if you can use your grades or goals in life as a motivation to stay healthy you should take advantage of that because it really can help. Take my advice and don't get caught up in one of those tough times eating disorders can create while away at school -- it has much tarnished the way I look at where I go to school and it was one of the hardest things I've been through. I know you can do this and I know you have every bit as much potential, if not more, than the people sitting next to you in class. Sorry, this was so long! Luvs, ~Kris~
from genuine-risk :
hi sweetie, i will be thinking of you tomorrow. you will do great. just be the wonderful person you naturally are. I love you!!!!
from punkonacloud :
good luck for tomorrow!!! I am so happy to see how well you are doing. I know it is hard, just the fact that you are trying gives me so much hope that you will succeed and be happy and healthy one day. Love and admiration- mel
from just-fine :
Gwen, are you avoiding me? I'm sorry if i've annoyed you in some way. I don't understand why i can't read your diary anymore?? Did you get my e-mail. I hope your well, miss you heaps. xo
from anainsight :
Tomorrow is my first day of school too, and I will be thinking of you on your first day, hoping you find your way around, and make some new friends, and begin to live your wonderful life the way you should. Best of luck and lots of hugs from way down here in Georgia!
from laura-ly :
Good luck with your first day of classes, Hun. You're a brilliant girl, and you'll do fine. You seem to be doing better; I'm so happy for you. Take care of yourself...you're worth it. :) -Laura
from kjoybic :
hey, I just wanted to let you know you can file a complaint with the hospital and state against the Dr. who told you you can think yourself better... it will at least maybe help you feel alittle more in control... I dont know... I'm filing one now against a dr. and I feel better b/c I have that much control over her... good luck and hang in there.
from kjoybic :
hey, I just wanted to let you know you can file a complaint with the hospital and state against the Dr. who told you you can think yourself better... it will at least maybe help you feel alittle more in control... I dont know... I'm filing one now against a dr. and I feel better b/c I have that much control over her... good luck and hang in there.
from anorexic90 :
hey there, i know what's it's like, except the only thing is I don't have diabetes, oh by the way i like ur diaries layout.
from fatalbreath :
I'm locking it now... user/pass is fatalbreath same as my old diary.
from genuine-risk :
Gwennie, I think you are doing well. Will you call me one of these days? Love you, xoxoxo.
from just-fine :
I can't read your diary hon, it just comes up as a white screen. ???. Are you okay? I'm so sorry i haven't replied to your e-mail yet, i will very soon. I love you so much and hope with all i can that your doing well, and resisting the purging. To see you fall down that route again would be devestating, your strong, you can do this. You *have* and you *can*. Never ever think you are alone. Even if your Mum and Aunt turn their backs on you, and although i am so far away, i will always be here for you, to listen and help as much as i can. You said we were soul mates in one of your letters, and that has stuck in my mind ever since, you are so right. xoxo
from mirrors-lie :
Gwen, you will never know how much your note meant to me. I want to thank you in a special way, but I cannot find the words and I'm sorry. Please understand that I am thinking of you and please keep updating. You can make it.
from ethereal4me :
Gwen, swetheart, it's jack! Just 5 days until I am back on your coast :) I will call you tomorrow & we WILL work something out w./ living arrangements and ALL. I told you that you would make it to see your 19th birthday and congrats, as you are the *most* DESERVING! I'll be right there for you hun, you don't have to worry, okay? I love you so much. You DID IT--w/ great strength & courage. You rawk. Xoxox* <333 Call my cell anytime, the # didnt change to a CA yet.
from edrec121 :
Hello - please feel free to check out my ED Recovery website just opened, there is a guestbook and message forum so we're hoping people will use it and it will become a good place to hang out and gain information and support. The URL is http://one2one.2ya.com. Hope you don't mind me posting this, just thought it might be of use to you :) Best Wishes, Samantha xxx
from nikki-12- :
u are right u don't need to be in a place like that, u jsut need sumone to talk to and get thru things with. sumone whose on the same page as u. hang in there hun
from pixydarling :
Hey cutie, call or e-mail me! Love you bunches!
from applebuddy :
i'm rootin for ya gwen. you're going to change the world. stay strong baby. don't let the bastards get you down.
from nikki-12- :
one thing most people don't realize is that you can totally get by on your own with the right goals within your reach. i even have trouble realizing that you don't need people to get you from A to B. You are your best friend, i believe you can do this. Be strong and doors will open for ya! plus tons of people messaging you are here for ya. *including moi ^_^*
from ethereal-red :
Welcome back. You can do it, I know you can!
from numb-thepain :
YOU CAN DO THIS HUN. You CAN. Please. Please, please... please, please be good to yourself! Hun, I have been so worried about you! If I lived on my own, I would invite you to stay with me right away... but you know how it goes. :( :'( Please hun... please take care of yourself. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't think that your body can handle much more damage... you only have one body, for it is your shell, your home... you only have one life! Make of it what you want. I believe in your hun! I love you so much... I am so sorry to hear about your aunt's news... *grr...* that she kept your hopes up for so long. But please don't let all of the work you have done, all of the progress, fall to pieces because of this... please stay STRONG. You can do this! I believe in you, and you are my shining star! I want to call you right now, but I have no idea where I'd call... please know that all of us are praying for you here... *hugs* xoxo ali p.s. did you get my package? :D the birthday one? :D
from suzza :
Don't worry. I know it's so easy to say, and so hard to do. But things always work out in the end... if they haven't worked out, it's not over yet. And something tells me you are going to fight.
from gaunt :
I have so much faith in you. You can do it. Love, Remy
from purgingme :
gwen, i hope your birthday wish comes true. mybe next year for your birthday you will be happy and healthy. in school and doing well. i know you can. be strong. with my love, sharla
from anainsight :
Hi Gwen, I wanted to drop you a quick note and share some good news with you. I am going to graduate school! I got it all worked out, and I am so proud of myself, and I wanted you to know how much I wish for you that you'll soon be able to tell me that you're off for school. Please keep on doing good. I am thinking about you a lot. I know you must have a good reason not to update, and I'll try not to bug you too much, but I just wanted to let you know that you're in my prayers.
from betchy :
happy birthday, i will be keeping you in my prayers.
from lorriesc :
And Gwennie, we all wish that this 19th is the last you spend in treatment. We all love you so much.
from lostunicorn :
Happy birthday and my heart goes out to you:) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from punkonacloud :
Hey dimstar! I have been so hopeful whenever I read one of your latest updates from treatment, because you seem to be getting better. (slowly, but surely). I am sorry about your episode three weeks ago. I just wanted to wish you HAPPY BIRTHDAY and let you know that I am thinking of you and hope that the next year is finally a happy one, which you so deserve. Love Mel.
from wat-ser-face :
Happy Birthday... I can't wait to turn 19! I was forced to have cake for my aunt's birthday... so in a way I can say I had birthday cake for you. And I think I've managed to work away all those calories already, yay. I hope things get better for you.
from jazzyana :
Happy Birthday! Although, I don't think many people here would be willing to share cake with you, we all want you to be happy and healthy!(er)
from ethereal-red :
Happy birthday!
from murdered-luv :
Oh Doll, Happy Birthday! I'm sorrie it wasnt anything amazing;; i'd give you my cake if i had any to give;; Be Strong.. do not let it take another Birthday! *!*angel*!*
from dead-sarah :
i dont really know you. saw your name in the members directory. im sorry. im not annorexic or anything, but i do know what its like to cut yourself. i hope and pray you get better. for whatever makes you fall, i don't know, but if you ever need someone to listen to you and not judge you, IM me on yahoo loserkid_sarah@yahoo.com or calibretto_girl@hotmail.com for msn. you can leave me notes or emails too.
from ponyluv :
Happy birthday honey!! <3 <3
from numb-thepain :
HaPpY~BiRtHdAy HuN! I love you so much! I haven't gotten to mail your birthday package yet... grr! I packed it at the cottage, but forgot to bring your address! So on Thursday when we went home I had to open a sealed box for moving, and then my "Gwennie Box" (that box that you sent me that amazing package in about a year ago, and all of the letters you've sent me :)) and now no one will take me to mail it! Grr... but it will eventually get there! i really hope that you like it. :) im really, really, really sorry to hear that you were having such an extremely difficult time at the begining of the month, and that you didn't get to go out for your birthday. not that i'm siding with the doctors or anything, but they probably just didn't want you to have a really busy, stressful, crazy day... they probably wanted you to just maintain the schedule you've been working on so that you can keep progressing steadily... i don't know. but i remember how important my birthday pass was for me, how happy i was that i got to leave my wheelchair for a while and go out. i really hope that you start feeling better... i've been thinking about you so much lately! i am really worried about you hun. :( :'( i wish that i could take all of your pain and have me suffer instead of you. you don't deserve this horrible life... you deserve the best life out of anyone in the entire world. full of peace and happiness... a special utopia full of weiner dogs like widget and rainbow star bracelets like the ones i sent you and the other patients at Oceanaire. I really, really wish you the best hun... *hugs* xoxo ali p.s. I LOVE YOU! Happy birthday, my dear Gwennie!!! :) *kisses*
from anainsight :
Happy Birthday, and lots of love!
from imabrat2 :
Happy Birthday. Please get well. :-)
from laura-ly :
Happy Birthday, Sweetie. I know it must be hard on you, to not be able to go out, but just try and work that much harder at getting better. You're so strong, and intelligent, and I know you can do anything you set your mind to. Just remember how much we all care for you here, and keep on fighting. xoxo -Laura
from im-a-freak :
Happy birthday! I'm sorry you couldn't go out to celebrate the special day, but altleast you got to have a small celebration with the girls there. Keep your chin up: things will only improve...love Katy x0x
from writergrrl88 :
happy birthday! i'm sorry you can't go out today, but maybe you could have a belated celabration when you are released. keep working at getting better - i know you can do it. this will be the last year your birthday is in hospital - next year you'll be able to spend it however you like. best wishes. ~lita~
from wat-ser-face :
I'm hoping your lack of a recent entry doesn't mean that something bad's happened... it's weird but it's like I always expect you to come back... life is hell, and you seem to know that more than I do. I came across your diary through someone's profile... I wish someone could help you... I wish someone could help all ED people... they make me sad... I'm ana... sort of... I'll pray for you.
from tfrunner262 :
It's been a while since you're last entry and I know you're probably really bogged down with stuff. I just wanted to say that I hope things are still going well with your recovery and stay strong! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Luvs, ~Kris~
from betchy :
i came across you at random, and find your diary a real struggle. not to read, to read it is fascinating, but i know that this is really your life. and that you are struggling. does that make sense?? well done for resisting the laxatives. i myself have suffered with bulimia when i was a lot younger, although you would not believe it if you read my diary now. i am going to add you so i can keep up with your progress. i wish you all the very best x
from ethereal-red :
Gwen, it's been awhile since you've made an entry. I don't know you, but I think about you all the time and really hope you're still doing well. Remember- you deserve to get better!
from numb-thepain :
hun, i got your letter this morning! it made me so happy... i purged everything i ate yesterday and kept it all down today... you help me so much! :) i love you hun.... i'll mail you soon! :D take care... keep on fighting! you can do this! stay strong! we're all rooting for you here... hehe. *hugs* xoxo ali
from numb-thepain :
I am so proud of you it hurts. You have no idea... you are the only reason that I am alive right now... if it weren't for the fact that I met you when I started grade nine... I would have killed myself that year. You helped me through one of the worst years of my entire life... and I am thankful for that every second of every day... I always will be. You have changed my life for the better... I am SO proud of you... I know that God will smile as I slowly, but surely, begin the walk towards recovery fitting my feet into the footprints in the sand you have made... I am forever grateful..... I hope you haven't forgotten about me hun... I really miss you. I love you so much and hope that you keep working hard... I believe in you! You're a star. *kisses and hugs* stay strong! xoxo ali
from suzza :
Gwenny Gwenny Gwenny. I'm so proud of you. Keep fighting the good fight. It feels good, inside, doesn't it? You're scared and you're unsure, but there is something so natural about feeling alive, isn't there? You will make it because you've made it this far.. if you were just going to fail you would have done it forever ago.
from comfortm :
i had to lock my diary. heres the username:thiscantbe password:life please keep reading!
from ethereal-red :
You deserve to be where you are, getting better, treating yourself well. Nobody deserves to be dying in a gutter. Nobody.
from sarahbum :
Hey. I found your name through one of the people i talk to on here. You sound like a very strong person and I am VERY proud of you for getting the help you need, and accepting it! Sarah
from ethereal-red :
Gwen, this is amazing. For the first time ever, treatment really is working. I hope you get that longer stay you so want.
from numb-thepain :
i am so happy to hear all of this good news, you have no idea! keep up the good work! :) you rock! *hugs* xoxo ali
from small-one :
**{{WOW!!!}}** that is so awesome!!! i've been reading you for quite some time, and this news is amazing. i am very happy for your newfound sense of self! YOU GO! YAY! much love to you as you embark on this wild journey called recovery. xoxoxoxoxoxo
from applebuddy :
your entry brought a smile to my heart. :) it's wonderful that you are making progress. you're reaching the bright morning that comes after a dark night. *always thinking of you -Brett
from punkonacloud :
I am so happy and excited for you!!! I really hope that everything goes well and that you finally get to live a wonderful healthy life. BIG HUGS to you.
from suzza :
I'm so happy to hear that kid! Keep working, it's tough, but I know you can do it. Don't back down. Hurting yourself only validates those who have hurt us. *hugs* Take care sweetie.
from lorriesc :
GOOD FOR YOU GWEN!!!! WE ARE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU!!!
from numb-thepain :
"I am doing well. I am even tolerating the weight gain. I am leaving next week to another residential. I am scared... but I will be okay." *huge sigh of relief* HUNNY! I am SO happy for you. I haven't felt this happy in weeks and weeks. Honestly, I have been SO worried about you since the last time we talked on the phone... keep on working hard! We're all so proud of you! Love ya! Take care... stay safe and healthy! You rock! xoxo ali
from ethereal-red :
What residential are you going to? My heart goes out to you- I've been anorexic for nine years and know the demons well. You are slowly getting better, and I have faith in you.
from alliprincess :
you're beautiful. (not a stalker. saw you on numb the pains list) i've been really enjoying your diary. be strong. get better. you seem to have a lot of people crossing their fingers for you.
from numb-thepain :
*ativan (sorry)
from numb-thepain :
i take adavan for panic attacks, so they really help... but i know what the numbness is like, for i've taken too many at once and felt like a zombie. you're taking care of yourself hun... please don't look at the number on the scale when they weigh you and please don't let them tell you... and if you really want to get better, get rid of your scale when you get home. you CAN do this hun... i love ya! xoxo ali
from purgingme :
ah the numbness of adavant. when i was last at hospital they shoved the things down my throat too. it makes to so hard to even think. you should not feel bad for not getting things done. i hope you are taking care of yourself. and trying to get better does not make you bad, you deserve so much more than this life. its not all your fault, try to place the blame where it belongs so you can begin to heal. my thoughts are with you. i wish you the best. xo sharla
from numb-thepain :
hi hun... i just realized that i can write in your notes section and have been able to for like a month! haha... i really hope that you start to feel better soon hun. really, it isn't your fault - what happened to you. if someone else were in your case, you wouldn't think it was their fault, would you? you can do this! i love ya hun... and hopefully you'll get your letter soon. xoxoxo ali
from hi-im-amanda :
Hello, i just stumbled across your diary. Just by reading I can tell you are already beautiful. There are people around who care. sometimes people are scared to say how they feel, and then they regret not showing their emotions aft something tragic happens. I hope you get better, and find someone to confide in that can carry you through all your struggles. amanda
from brilleetoile :
Your words make me want to cry. I feel for you. I had an eating disorder too. I was anorexic... They caught it before it got out of hand though, and I was forced into treatment. I still battle it from time to time, but I refuse to tell anyone, because that is where I feel I made my mistake the other time. My heart goes out to you. ~Brittany
from purgingme :
take care of yourelf love. i am thinking of you always. i know you can beat this, one day things will be better. xo sharla
from lorriesc :
You, girl, are a beautiful and talented writer. You have created a website that people come back to again and again because of the power and beauty of your writing. Please try to shake the demons...The world is a better place because of you. Please believe that.
from ponyluv :
hang in there honey... <3 <3 you can do this...
from ethereal-red :
I know how you feel about the flashbacks. When I'm in my ED, they're less frequent, but eating feeds the flashbacks. As refeeding progresses they get worse and worse. I'm thinking of you often and sending you tons of strength all the way from Minnesota.
from small-one :
just know that even though it feel WORSE THAN HELL(!!!!!), it's not. infact, it'll never be as bad as it was back then. EVER. because YOU are in control of YOU now, even if you're unfamiliar with "her." just keep on and it will improve. i understand your frustrations, desperation and humiliation. . .and i admire your courage. be tough. xoxoxo
from avocado-farm :
I love the way you write, its so smooth, so true... I'm praying for you and I know you can get through this! You've been strong enough to make it this far, you make it that much farther xxoo avocado-farm
from lostunicorn :
Thing of the most amazing person you know, then times it by ten and thats you. Many people would have given in but your still fighting. I'm praying for you, all my love Lostunicorn x
from homerismygod :
Tons and tons of hugs, I hope you're doing well. You can do it, we're all here cheering for you...... xoxo Jasmin
from ethereal-red :
I read your diary. I listed you as a favorite. I'm anorexic. I'm sending you tons of love in treatment and I really, really hope that this time the treatment will stick, that this time you will make it, and that you will be able to achieve all of your amazing dreams.
from invisibledon :
thanks for visiting
from ed-directory :
Hi, my name's Lauren and I'm making a directory of eating disorder related links (similar to my other site on diaryland, si-directory) and I was wondering if it would be ok to list you in the diaryrings section even though the site will have a pro-ED section. The site's still a work in progress. Thanks, Lauren
from roamany :
I know how unreachable you feel right now, and how lonely it can get...which causes all sorts of unpleasant things. I just hope you know that there are a lot of people who care for you, even if we're far away and faceless. I hope things look up for you soon. = Thea
from lostunicorn :
Sending love hugs and prayers Cheryl xxxxxxx
from zerodoll :
Gwen, stay strong beautiful. i hope that you can find help there even though its going to be hard. know that we love you around here and i have faith in you. you can beat this thing. xo, sharla
from tfrunner262 :
i just wanted to say that u are very brave doing what u are doing. i hope that it works this time, don't ever give up b/c u are strong inside. u can get through this... & i think that you will be an awesome dr. someday. most of the people i know who are in med school do it for the money... after reading that u wanted to do that, i just knew that u could be the best dr. ever b/c u have the right reason behind it all. i truly admire your strength and care for others. i know that you can do this & i will keep my faith in u :) luvs, kris
from supergirl7 :
Gwen, Know that you are not alone in this struggle.
from noneyouknow :
I really hope that you find the strength and power to love yourself. While your family might not be supportive there are plenty of us that care about you and want you to get well. *hugs*
from sad-doll :
<3 STAY STRONG! I love you so much.
from anainsight :
Hey, I tried to send you an e-mail but it was undeliverable. just wanted to drop a note and say how proud I am of you, and how badly I will miss your posts but I am praying for you so hard. I am so proud of you for having the courage to go i.p. again. I know you will be an M.D. someday and I want you to be my doctor. I'm still hanging in and taking my shots, and am beginning to get some better results. at first I didn't think I would be able to stand it. but everytime I think of how strong you are, and it keeps me going. I hope you can get this note, and I hope you know I am praying for you, and sending you many hugs from far away in Georgia!
from kjoybic :
I stumbled apon your diary a few days ago an read all of your entries in about 3 days, It really is moving. I am praying for you, that UCLA works. I do think it is a wise choice not to return to your mom's after though, she sounds like she loves you, but is very toxic for your recovery. You should really write a book about your struggles, publish your diaryland journal even... I was captured into your life, I cried for you and feel connected to you, and have more concern for you than I thought I could for someone I have never met, and encountered your diary 3 days ago. You are a brilliant woman, an individual can sense your intelligence in the way you write; your ability to paint pictures in the readers' minds. I want to hug you and hold your hands when you want to binge/purge....or something. I want to help you. I am so angry right now at your mother b/c she knew you replapsed, bt never actively helped you or noticed you binge when family fighting....family is huge, I hope someday you can have a healthy relationship with your mom and your brother. I don't know your bro, but when I was cutting alot and really down all the time, he hated me and would try to fight me, act out, etc. when I went to partial it came out that he was so worried that he was going to find me dead that he turned the worry into anger and directed it at me. I'm just rambling, I don't know if I'm helping or making things worse or over-stepping bounds here. I hope you doing ok in treatment, and I didn't offend you in any way. If you get a chance, let me know how you're doing, i didn't find "you" until after you left for UCLA. best wishes. `KJB
from manic2 :
Hey- Just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world on your journey to recovery. You are in my prayers as always. I know you will make it through- be strong sweetie! Love- Nova
from kmarie420 :
Hugs to you...I pray that you get what you need at UCLA, and that someone comes to their senses and takes you out of the home that keeps you sick. Let us know what's going on as soon as you can...I will miss your diary...beautiful words. If you want it bad enough, you will overcome it. Remember that... Kristina kmarie420@hotmail.com
from lostunicorn :
Hiya, I'm a friend of Just_fine and sharpsecret. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and I'm thinking about you. Lostunicorn x
from nuntobe :
I am praying for you all the time.
from homerismygod :
I'm not a religious person by any means, but I'm praying for you. I hope you find what you need at UCLA. xx
from andmia :
best of luck tomorrow--you can do it!!
from andmia :
i am so happy to hear you are going into treatment and that you want to live. you can do this. My thoughts will be with you andrea
from laura-ly :
With your last entry I found tears in my eyes. You're beautiful inside and out, sidways and backwards. I want you to get well so very badly, you deserve it...you need it. I can't even imagine the pain you go through everyday; I have pain, too, but it's nothing compared to what you go through. But you are so strong, and you're a fighter...don't give up now or ever. Take care of yourself...really. Be your number one priority. Love ya. -Laura
from ellemalen :
GWEN! i'm happy you're doing treatment again.. you can beat it this time if you set your mind to it. pleeeease set your mind to it. for me? :o) if you don't mind i'd really like your address at UCLA. i miss your letters! xxoo
from zerodoll :
i want to break your scale so you can see your beauty beyond it. dont let this take you down, you have made it so far. why does love and loving hurt so much, because its the one this that at least for me keeps me living. i curse it everyday. take care of yourself. xo sharla
from luckyrachel :
Hi Gwen. I found your name in Lisa's site, anorexic web. I was at Center for Discovery in Feb00 and Dec01. Do you go to the alumni meetings? Do they even have them anymore? I recieved a couple letters, but never went. Do you have an email adress for Lisa? I would love to write her, but I don't really want to go through the center. Thank you. You can email me LuckyRachel17@yahoo.com, or leave it in my notes.
from applebuddy :
ack! don't let the mental abuse get to you. don't listen to that crap. i know it's hard. i grew up with it. what they think doesn't matter. you can only control you. isn't the way people treat each other disgusting? look. you must pull through gwen. you must. i wish with all my heart that i could give you a hug and reveal to you the beauty in the world, and the beauty in you. there's plenty to see. "emancipate yourself from mental slavery. none but ourselves can free our minds." -bob marley
from homerismygod :
I hope you got my email, if not I can send it again, it's no problem. I'd love the address to UCLA- what are we allowed to send you there? Thanks for being the most amazing, wonderful person that you are. Your notes mean so much to me, you don't even know. Take care until I hear from you again. xoxo Jasmin
from manic2 :
I'm sorry to hear you are in a rough spot right now. I know I don't update or write notes often but not a night goes by that you are not in my prayers Gwen. I wish you could be happy and I'm so sorry you hurt so much. Please hang on just a little longer and maybe treatmeant will work this time- keep fighting sweetie- you're too strong to give up! Love- Nova
from sweetxtears :
aww sweetie i just read your diary**hugs** you've been through so much bullshit and you dont deserve, fuck the people who hurt and keep the ones who dont close <3 hope every thing gets better <3kaylin
from sad-doll :
Gwen, thank you for the note. I just wanted to stop by and say I love you, and that you've been through so much shit, and deserve more than that. I think you are a strong and brave person. I love you girl. <3 Audrey ♥
from genuine-risk :
Hey Gwennie, you are beautiful. Email me wben you have a chance and we can talk/vent. I'm feeling down too. Much love to you, xoxo
from zerodoll :
i wish i could start over too, just like you. my heart aches for you love. im sure you are beautiful, but you are blinded by this sickness. its not fair to you. with all my love and support. xo sharla
from tfrunner262 :
hey, i just read some of your diary & i want to wish u the best of luck w/ getting better. i know how hard it can b, & if u ever need 2 talk just know that i would b more than happy 2 do anything i can. i am trying soo hard 2 recover 2 & u are not at all alone when it comes 2 this. i just hope u can hang in there -- u sound like such a strong person & i believe in u. i've never met u & i don't really know u at all, but i can tell from your writing that u have so much potential & the world needs more people like u. I won't ever give up on u & i'll keep u in my prayers. luvs, kris
from homerismygod :
gwen, i'd really like to email you! if you could send your email to me that'd be great (you can leave it in my notes or send it to padfoot04 @comcast.net... thanks so much..
from floatnangel :
gurl:: i wish i could do anything//say something that could help, but i know it cant =( && that hurts.. i really wish you everything.. *!*AngeL*!*
from sweetxtears :
<3<3<3much love sweetie, i really hope you beat this!! i can tell by your writing that your a truely strong person, your my insperation to get better<3<3<3plz dont give up on your self!i know it may seem hard but you CAN beat this i believe in you! <3<3<3Kaylin<3
from just-fine :
Gwen..are you okay? Well, i know your not really :( But...are you still there? Please keep breathing, let yourself breathe, i am so worried. xo
from fuckedvirgin :
"Outside I seem fine, but inside my body is eating itself alive, dying..." i know extacly how you feel love
from wolfstone :
hey gwen...i'm really worried about you. alison is right, you really can't live much longer like this. do you want to live? i know you do, please take your insulin....i'm really worried about you, but i can't do anything unless you try to help yourself, i can only stand at the side and encourage you; in the end, you have to pick yourself up. i know and believe that you're strong enough to do that, you know what you have to do gwen, please take care. *hugs*
from mirrors-lie :
You know, sometimes I think you're the only person that cares. I love your notes, thank you so much for taking the time to write them. Thinking of you, Erica
from avocado-farm :
Hey - yeah... I do, but I have no willpower, but the thought is there. Everyone thinks I do, but they don't really say anything about it - just the disapproving looks... Thanks for caring and good luck Rebecca
from applebuddy :
Gwen every day i think of you more and more, and i don't even know you. i read your diary, and i want to cry for you. there is a reason you are on my heart. i pray for you because i believe without a doubt that God is going to save your life. please have faith in Him. there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
from andmia :
congratulations---it is a great accomplishment!!! i WILL light a candle--but you have to blow the kazooo!!! give yourself a pat on the back--even if it is just going through the motions for right now! -a
from andmia :
congratulations---it is a great accomplishment!!! i WILL light a candle--but you have to blow the kazooo!!! give yourself a pat on the back--even if it is just going through the motions for right now! -a
from freaknuraw :
SWEETIE!!!!! Where are you? I miss you so much, am so damn worried about you. Haven't talked to for an extremely long time. Honey I miss you so damn much. Take care, and talk soon!!!!! Muuuuuuuuuuuahhhh!!!!! XOXOXOXOX Jori
from applebuddy :
i just wanted you to know that you're still in my thoughts and prayers, and the only reason i still put jokes up is in hope that they make you laugh. stay strong.
from ellemalen :
you can do it, gwennie. don't forget to write. :o) xxoo
from gloom-flower :
you write beautifully.
from suzza :
*I* worry you? Oh darling, if only you could read your diary through someone else's eyes.... you need to take care of yourself.. I love you. I love you. I love you.
from suzza :
Thank you Soooooo much for leaving the beautifull note :) I read your diary, too, and you make me sad :( I'll say something coherent tommorow, I had a really bad day... and your note cheered me up! Thanks love.
from xredbracelet :
gwen, i would love to see a picture of you. i bet you're gorgeous. do you have any?
from andmia :
GWEN- i am sorry that things are shitty right now. be strong. Your writing is amazing and I love reading it, but at the same time its hard not to shutter. I know this is a difficult struggle and I know you can make it--if that is what you want. you have so many gifts to give! anyway...sorry this is all weird and mushy, but reading your diary has caused me to worry about you lately. hang in there andrea
from tatum21 :
Hey Gwen, I just read your whole diary, it took me like 4hrs, i think you are so amazing and have so much courage to just keep going in the face of such terrible circumstances. I think you really do want to get better but your family perpetuates your disorder so that they don't have to look at themselves. You're very strong and remember life isnt about succeeding or failing, but LIVING. Your expereinces while intense will make the beautiful life ahead of you even more satisfying, hope you have the time to drop me a line? tatum_oneil@hotmail.com Keep Strong and believe in yourself and all the wonderful talents you have. ;)
from wolfstone :
hullo gwen. i'm really worried about you..you sound so sick and tired in this entry it hurt me to read it. are you going to ip soon? i haven't come in some time, sorry about that, but judging from the entries below mine, you're going to ip? whatever it is, i do hope you get some form of help soon..or maybe you already have..i'm a little confused..but take care:) *HUGS*
from manic2 :
Your notes are so sweet- They always bring a smile to my face no matter how grumpy I am. I think it's funny-neither of us believeing in ourselves but both of us believeing in the other! I know you are so sick of this- but one day you are going to be free and be healthy and be happy too! Don't stop hopeing you owe it to yourself- not to mention my notes page would get awfully lonely!
from autumn-death :
I had dreams about rats last night too. How strange is that? Rats. I've never had dreams about rats. I hope you feel better...and I think your mom is terrible. *hugs*
from ellemalen :
gwennie... please get better.. i know you can. you are strong even though you feel weak. i believe in you if that means anything. xo
from freaknuraw :
When are you going to UCLA? God I'm so worried about you, I prayed for you (long story short) I believe again. My kidneys.... I try to sleep the pain away right now, but it really doesn't help any. I miss you sweetie, so damn much. I hope that this can help you. I love you Dim, be strong, for everybody.
from just-fine :
Hey hon, guess what? I've been taking my insulin alot more :) Even my glargine which i never take usually. I don't know why really but i'm doing it, hopefuly i will keep at it. Are you managing to take yours? I really hope so, i know it's scary, so scary,but i'm feeling so much more energetic. What you mentioned about sponsoring - how would that work exactally? I'm not sure about how you do it, sorry i'm a bit stupid. I do hope your okay, i always tell my Mum about you too, i even showed her a picture of you and she thought you were really pretty :) Love you, xoxox
from prosperpine :
An interesting, thought-provoking read. Also, Steinbeck rocks! *waves 'I [heart] Steinbeck' flag*. Have you read East of Eden?
from oneteardrop :
hi.. i can relate to what u talkin bout. keep ur head up.
from anainsight :
I am so proud of you for taking your insulin. Guess what - my edema is so bad that my skin broke over my old surgery scar and now fluid is draining out of my body. That's gross, I know, but I wanted to let you know that I understood 100% about the edema because of the insulin. But I'm not quitting. I haven't skipped once. I think about you all the time, especially when I have to give myself my shots, because it makes me feel so much better to know that there is another human being who understands what agony it can be to make yourself do it knowing what the results can be. somehow that makes it easier. Thanks for being you and thanks for trying. hugs from way down south in Georgia!
from sad-doll :
Hey darling, I just wanted to stop by and say I love you. You are far too nice to me, you are so amazing I really don't know how you do it. Sometimes I think I'm going insane too. I love you <3<3<3 Audrey
from suzza :
Hi Love :) Thank you for the note. It is just so validating, knowing that people are reading. I didn't write the SATS. Canada, remember? But we wrote provincals which are similar, but more focoused. I worry about you, too. You need to take your insulin, and you know that. I read more than I comment, hun, so I know how you've been, or at least what you're leaving in your diary. Insulin doesn't make you fat, it keeps you alive. Wouldn't you rather be thin and beautifull, than dying alive? My grandmother has insulin issues and there is nothing that scares me more than the look of a person who isn't "set up" right. I'm glad the rain helped.
from ponyluv :
oh, sweet dimstar, i don't know you but i get so worried when you don't update... i hope you are okay. you are a really special and strong person. <3
from andmia :
hope you are doing alright---havent seen entries from you in about a week and i am really missing your great writing!!Lotsa luv andrea
from manic2 :
Your entries brought tears to my eyes- tears of joy. Just the fact that you have began to see the strength you have inside yourself. I am so proud and so should you be! Baby steps are often the hardest to take but you have- and that is an acomplishment. I pray for you everynight- a person I have never seen and I face I would not recognize- but I care for you so much and I make sure God knows that! Please do not worry about failing because of what some people who read your diary are going to think. Anything you do is for you and you alone- it is your life and no one elses! Be strong for others but most of all for yourself. It is true you may fall again and that's ok- but please don't give up- you are such a shining star!
from just-fine :
I took some, i'm okay. I'm really trying hard to not binge so much today and not let my sugars run too high. It's just not worth it in the end, for a few pounds, in my heart i know that but it's become such a routine. Normality to be high, feels strange to be within the normal range. I'm sure you get that. I feel the same about you, wish that i could do more than what this computer divide permits. I see myself in you and i understand you. I want to help you but i know that all i can offer really are these words. Your support means so much to me though, it aids me through and reminds me that i have to live. I would love to come and stay with you someday, i'd need to save up some money first. We have to meet at some point though, i would just love to give you a huge hug. Keep holding on, your doing so well. xoxox
from luckygurl-18 :
Oh this must be so hard for you. I hope your dog will be okay. just try to hang in there, and if you ever need anything don't hesitate to ask. ~ Natalie
from ktdream :
Wow, this is beautiful. Such a storylike style. and I like the words on the layout. So true!
from pollyanna911 :
Have you considered applying for disability benefits through social security? You need paperwork from doctors declaring you unable to work - simply medical records from your hospitalization would be sufficient, showing it as a chronic illness. They would then send you a check every month, and that would cover some of your financial worries... Because you are disabled from this disease. At least check it out. (ssa.gov)
from sad-doll :
Gwen, you know I worry, and I hope things are okay. You're so beautiful darling, I miss you alot are things getting better? ♥ Audrey
from just-fine :
All you can do for me is keep being yourself, keep walking along this twisting path, trying to see through the cobwebs. We will make it, i will be okay, and yes, oneday we have to meet. I love you, i'm scared for you, slipping, losing weight, losing faith. Keep your head high Gwen, because you are beautiful. We can both survive, together. xoxox
from anainsight :
Dear Gwen, I worry so much about you when you don't update. I wanted to contact you to let you know that I took my insulin today, and I'm going to take it again tomorrow. Will you be my "buddy"? Will you make a pact with me that we will take our insulin? You don't deserve to go through all of this alone. Maybe we can both do it together. Just promise me that you'll take your insulin, just for today. OK? I send you hugs from far away in Georgia!
from mirrors-lie :
Gwen, your note... thank you. Yes I could find another clinic but mum doesn't want the hassle, and at least my doc knows my circumstances. She's only a GP anyway so it's not like she could ever really help. She knows my psych, too, so that can be helpful. School started yesterday, and I don't think I will make it. I wasn't meant to do this, yet was forced to by everyone's expectations. It's so so hard and I'm expected to do better than the other students, yet I sit there so sick, unnoticed. I sit in front of the computer and yell at these people who refuse you treatment. You try harder than most to recover, yet they aren't willing to forget and you're dying for it. I think of you always and hope you do find a treatment centre. Don't force yourself to class, think about what's really important - that you LIVE. And of course I would love your phone number! :-) Thank you. I mean it.
from freaknuraw :
He sweetie, just wanted to let you know I miss you very very much. I am alright... considering everything that's going on... I am coming to RC in july, and do not dare use your car money other than on a car. I will be alright, and you need a car. I love you so much hun, xoxoxoxoxo be strong my Gwennie. ~Jori
from andmia :
in my mind you are a star! you can do this high school thing and much much more...i thik very highly of you. dont sell yourself short! andrea aim:oandreamo
from manic2 :
I'm so sorry to hear about the bad news your friend is dealing with right now. I've had a murder in my family and I know how hard it is to deal with. It's so awsome that you are almost done high school! Really, that is such an amazeing achievement- especialy for someone with your health problems. Keep going and maybe when you are done you will realize what a bright future you have ahead of you! I wish you all the best of luck! Take care *hug* -love Nova
from sweetxtears :
aww thx <3(((hugs)))kaylin
from manic2 :
Hey sweetie! Thank you so much for such lovely notes. It really means so much to me. I hope you start feeling better and realizeing how much more you are then this stupid illness. Take care of yourself and get healthy ok? It's so freakin hard I know, but it's the only way you are ever going to be happy -and you deserve to be happy! You just have to find that little spot inside of you that is screaming for a better life- hold on to it and never let go. You need to survive- you will survive! Lots of love and prayers! Nova
from sweetxtears :
i added you as a favorite, hope u dont mind. i feel like i can realate to what you are going to through <3kaylin
from ellemalen :
Thanks for the guestbook message. I <3 Wasted. I'm doing okay I guess... I've gotten into a habit of censoring what I write without actually meaning to. I don't write too much about my ED in case anyone reads it that I don't want to. The ED is on and off all the time... an endless cycle that never goes away. Take care of yourself.
from sad-doll :
Hey Gwen, I've missed you. I just wanted to stop by and say I love you, I miss talking to you so much. You are just so amazing. I love you <3 Audrey
from luckygurl-18 :
Hey it's Natalie. I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciated your messages. You are the first person who has actually cared in I don't know how long. Out of all of the diaries I've read, I admire you the most because of your strentgh, and the fact that even after all you've been through, you still have the strength to fight it. I hope you are okay and thanks again for the message, it really brightened my day.
from inaptbeauty :
gwennnn! its been too long, how are you dear? what happened? is everything alright? oh, don't you worry about me, you've got enough on your own! hey, just don't hesitate to come for help ok? im right here. :) i missed reading you and knowing that you're still ok, still breathing... because im scared you might end up like those pretty little thin girls under the casket. ♥ hang in there love
from applebuddy :
i just wanted you to know that your note brightened my being. i feel honored. i pray for you all the time. just remember, through every dark night a bright morning shines.
from wolfstone :
hi gwen:) it's alright, take your time to reply:) i'm not really sad actually, i'm just generalising the way most singaporean students behave. anyway, take care alright? you don't have to reply that soon, take your time:) *HUGS*
from charmangel :
hey.dont give up.everythings gonna be ok. lots of love charmangel
from just-fine :
Gwen...thankyou. Thankyou for being here for me, for understanding, you mean so much to me. I'm going to probably go to the doctors and get a blood test to check my electrolytes etc. I'll be okay :) My vision is awful at the moment though, i know it's all my fault for keep abusing the insulin, i need an eye test too. Maybe you should try and talk to your Mum? tell her it's really difficult with so much food around you. (hugs) I'm binging alot at the moment too, i know what it's like. Please be okay, love you xoxox
from xx-layla-xx :
Gwen!!! I know I haven't noted you in forever (its xanaxbabyx btw) and so I apologize, lol. Can you explain the whole insulin thing and how it affects ana/mia? I don't know any diabetics with ana in real life so I'm just wondering <3 Za
from freaknuraw :
Hi sweetie! I'm so proud of you for starting college, thats one more step from getting outa that hellhole. Job at Game Crazy? That is such a great opportunity, I wish you the best of luck. You should be able to explain to the manager that you have a problem with this person, they will do everything they can to protect an employee. Alright hun take care, be strong. I miss you so much sweetie. =( xoxoxoxo Jori
from mirrors-lie :
I often hate when people say this, so I hope you don't take offence when I say I at least partly understand with your home situation. You've mentioned it before in a note so I'm sure you can easily empathise with me also, but I just HATE what these people are doing to you. I wish they could see. People are too fucking self-absorbed to see how much you're hurting and they let their anger out on you and it pains me to hear this. I had no idea you are starting school again. Yet another thing we have in common. I am so scared for you, but wish you luck and hope it results in you feeling something other than crappy. Hugs, Erica
from bolingo :
sorry... i did put "3.0" and I meant "4.0". damn. Prime example of why I only had a 2.75...lol. And one day you will be free of the house you feel so trapped in... keep strong.
from andmia :
wow--you are an amazing writer and a very strong girl! hang in there. I really enjoy reading your diary and think you have wonderful insights into your disorder!
from bolingo :
You have a 3.0 gpa? That is wonderful... congratulations. You are a smart and gifted person, take care of your diabetes. -dove of bolingo
from shrinkodebt :
Believe it or not, there will come a day that you will be able to separate from that... the yelling, the frustration, the complete annoyance and despair that can come with living at home... and when you do.... *bliss*
from manic2 :
hey Gwen. I don't write alot anymore but I always have a minute to check in and see how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear that things are still so hard for you. I know you have what it takes to be healthy inside of you, you just have to find it. you are strong, young and talented, and such a beautiful person. Don't let your life go to waste, inside I know you want more! Take care of yourself hun, and keep fighting! You are always in my prayers! Love Nova
from mirrors-lie :
I hate this pain you're going through. It makes me cry. I've missed you.
from queenvanity :
I love your layout. beauty can sometimes be everything. I hope your okay with the diabetes and all.
from whisper-ana :
hey gwen! hope youll remember me. been a while since i last logged on here but i hadnt forgotten about you. will read your dairy shortly but well i just wanted to let you know that i have been reading your dairy from time to time even tho i didnt write much on mine. i really hope things will turn out fine gwen. im really wishing the best for you.*hugg* im looking forward to hearing good news of you on your dairy :) and perhaps see you put a smiley on some page :) take care and please please be careful with your medication okay? bye :)
from inaptbeauty :
gwen! i missedyou. oh &&i see you're still down. what i would do to get a smile on your face. ♥♥♥ take care ayt?
from freaknuraw :
Gwennie hey hun!!!! I just wanted to let you know I'm alive, and all that. I see you haven't been doing that well... please take your insulin, I am very worried about you. 105!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What on earth? Gwendolyn... no not good. Please get in touch asap. via email or whatever. Love you very much, Jori
from imanobody00 :
Hello, I just wanted to say I can relate to alot of what you write. I added you to my favorite diary list because you write so well. I hope things get better for you soon.
from girlconfuzed :
i came to your diary through the diaryring. i dont really know what to say. I guess there isnt much i could say that would make a difference in anything. But i do hope, that this new year is better for you. I hope this is the year that changes everything.. find your wings and fly.. xxx
from bolingo :
Hi, I just started to read your diary, and I must say you are a very good writer... very affluant. Keep well, and take care of yourself. -Dove of Bolingo
from awake-under :
Hi there, I got the link to your diary from TF, I'm kailani there, and I just wanted to let you know I added you to my favorite diary list. Take care!!
from wolfstone :
hey gwen..i'm so worried about you. but, like you said, you're a fighter, and you will get through this. god bless, my darling. *hugs*
from magic-dirt :
I think it’s a bit sick that I’m jealous of you. You can drop 25 pounds in such a short time, yet I can’t loose this last ONE stupid pound. I hope your absence means you are doing better. I hope...
from moonlight3 :
"in order to be loved you must love yourself" I know it hard , it really is but stick in there !! there are a ton of diaryland ppl here for you that support you!
from sad-doll :
I love you so much Gwen, I hope you feel better soon, I wish there was something I could do. Darling, please don't make yourself any sicker please I no wait WE {diaryland} want you to gt better. I'm thinking about you. <3 Audrey
from moonlight3 :
I was so worried!! Big huge thanks to your friend!
from kbc :
Thanks for having your friend update for you, I was worried about you. Take care! K
from manic2 :
Hey Gwen, Let us know you are ok? I'm a little worried since you haven't updated in a while. Take care of yourself alright? And I hope everything is well with you! You are in my prayers!- Nova xox
from sorry-excuse :
gwen... where are you? are you okay? you haven't updated in so long... i'm scared. i love you.
from ponyluv :
i just spent the last few days reading thru every single one of your entries... i hope you are okay... <3
from emptyempty :
Hey love... just randomly worrying and checking up on you - are you okay? I wish stars and warmth and sunshine for you *mwah* <3
from p-ennylane :
hey, sweetie. i haven't been around dland much lately, but i think i'm making a return. when i typed in the url for your diary, i hoped and prayed and crossed my fingers that you were doing better, that you were recieving the love and care you deserve. i'm so sorry it's not happening the way it should. i care about you so much, gwen, and i hope at very least that you will have a wonderful thanksgiving day. you deserve so much. please don't give up. much love, val. xxx
from manic2 :
Hey, I hope you are doing ok, and thanks for all the possitive support, it means alot to me. Neither of us deserve this and one day it's all going to change and we are going to be happy. I hope for you that day is soon because you have such potential and such a beautifull heart. Take care of yourself as always and know that I am always here for you too! -Nova
from inaptbeauty :
dim hope you feel better dear... please feel better. ♥ remember im just here ok?
from ellemalen :
Thanks a lot for all the supportive notes you've sent me. I'm so sorry you're back into your old ways... but you're still alive, and you definitely have the chance to get better. Please don't give up, I love you. And send me back a letter, dammit! :o)
from heaven911 :
hope you feel better... its hard to stop binging. good luck *Tara
from inaptbeauty :
gwen, i sure hope you are going to be alright for real now. i hope you make it. :)
from anainsight :
Hi Gwen, I just wanted to write and thank you for being so honest and always writing about what you feel. the diabulimia is killing me too, I am refusing to take my meds so I will lose weight. I don't have enough courage to face it so I don't even talk about it. when I read your diary I see so much strength, the fact that you are still fighting and alive after so much abuse. I wish that you could get away from your mother and your brother and be somewhere where they could never find you again. I know you are going to be a dynamite doctor. I wish you peace and love this Thanksgiving, all the way from Georgia I send you a hug!
from xanaxbabyx :
Hey Gwen darling... I'm changing the password on my diary, and I'm done with my anabunny diary, so you can delete it and add this one as a fav... Leave me a note with your email address in it so I can send you a pass... Love you!
from inaptbeauty :
i do hope your feeling better dear...
from oneteardrop :
your diary is a inspiration... get @ me on my tagboard
from bigcanoe :
Hey. I'm going to be locking my diary for a bit (going to set up a name as I found my diary doing a google search, not good). Username = big, password = canoe.
from nemi- :
Hi Gwen. Thank you so much for your sweet notes=) 7 classes a week is very few but I have cried so much in front of my treatment team now, so they allow 12 lessons. Hehe, not much, but at least it's a bit more.. "normal" people at my age has between 6 and 8 classes a day.. So it's just me that is abnormal. I hope you are doing better, and I'm so worried for you, but it really saved my day when I read that you haven't purged for a few days=) Take care, and I'm always here for you. //hugs\\
from s-u-s-u :
Hi Gwen, my name is Sarah by the way, thanks for your note. I'm sorry your mom isn't the person you need her to be. I've been through a lot of crap with my mother too. Hang in there. I look forward to reading more about you. Take care.
from chicflaws :
Thanks for the comment, but i'm sure that my image hasn't been distorted yet. most people of the male gender seem to agree with me.
from inaptbeauty :
i owe you my ♥
from bigcanoe :
I'm so sorry to hear that Dim. I know exactly how it feels to never be good enough for someone, especially my mother.
from soultonic :
Hey Gwen- I'm sorry your family is such a pain in the ass. It's got ot be hard to recover when everyone is so negative. Anyway-Ijust wanted to say hi and hope things get better.
from fat-ana :
grrr. that makes me so mad! how could your mom be so cruel and let your brother get away with everything? my sister is also like that. i hate it. i hope things get better for you soon, dear. <3
from inaptbeauty :
dim,thats spooky... try calling it... communicate, wouldnt it be fun?
from inaptbeauty :
take care of yourself dim... i mean it. eat please...
from nemi- :
Hi sweetie! How are you? I have been so worried for you, and I did think about you everyday, hoping you were ok. I'm so sorry you had to go to the hospital again, but I guess you needed it... Please try to take care, Gwen, because you mean a lot to me. Sorry if that sounds stereotype, but I mean it. I have faith in you, and I truly belive that you can recover, but you have to work hard with it. *hug*
from emptyempty :
I don't know what to say, I'm just really really worried about you Dim... *hugs* Try to take care... ♥
from ellemalen :
Tell Jori I said thanks for the compliments. And thank YOU for your words of support! I'm really sorry you haven't been doing well lately, but please don't give up. I have every faith in you. You owe me a letter back!!! :o)
from officegal :
it sucks not to have family support. im so sorry your going through this. your so strong. and i think your beautifull!. im praying for you
from zerodoll :
i hope that your feeling better. mybe one day this will all be over for you. to bad your mom is such an ass, you need all the support you can get right now. im here for you if you ever need to rant. just to know you have a friend that wont judge you know, it helps. xoxo sharla
from magic-dirt :
Im so so worried about you.. but Im glad that youre okay. Please take better care of yourself, you deserve it. ~Katie
from mirrors-lie :
You were in hospital? Oh hun, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you're mum's doing... ugh. Feel better. Hugs, Erica
from babe-o-gus :
I know you don't know me, but I stalk your diary :) I... I hope that you can get the help that you need/deserve... Amy
from zerodoll :
i just want to send you my well wishes and love. you are so strong. dont give up on yourself, look how far you have come. xoxo sharla
from hibiscus101 :
Happy Halloween, beautiful. It all gets better eventually. As long as you believe it..if im wrong come kick my ass, atleast it'll make you feel better.
from heaven911 :
i loved ur entry. i havent been thru as much as you... but i can certainly understand. and i have how people can be so quick to assume that its as easy as they all think it is... i cringe when i hear people say they wish they could be anorexic for a few days.... just so they could lose "those few pounds". i wish i didnt understand what all this felt like. good luck with everything. Your an amazing person and i wish you the best *Tara
from adipose :
You are a teacher. You use yourself as the model and then show others the tragic experiment. When little girls who think Ana is a diet email for tips I send them to read your site, to save them. You are meant for more, surely, but even in your diminished shape you are are helping others, protecting others by not spareing them the truth. You are not a 2 million dollar drain on society- medical bills are for the most part never meant to be paid- you are courgeous, and you are serphin.
from adipose :
You are a teacher. You use yourself as the model and then show others the tragic experiment. When little girls who think Ana is a diet email for tips I send them to read your site, to save them. You are meant for more, surely, but even in your diminished shape you are are helping others, protecting others by not spareing them the truth. You are not a 2 million dollar drain on society- medical bills are for the most part never meant to be paid- you are courgeous, and you are serphin.
from inaptbeauty :
gwen. hold on ok? do not lose hope dear, don't think of dying &letting it all slip away...
from manic2 :
Wow,I'm so glad you did good, well, amazing on that test. I think I read in your diary once that if you got anything lower than an 80 you would freak. Well in my books a 75 is a really high mark! It must be exciteing to get to chose whatever University you want to go to! Don't worry about your mother sweetie, my mommy has been really pissy lately... always, too! I hope you start feeling better and the puffyness goes away! Love and Hugs!
from hibiscus101 :
You have a 4.0!! My Gawd! I havenever had anything close to a 4.0 in my life. Good job dahlin and don't worry about your mother. Write it off to stress and say fuck it, I'm asmarty-pants and I can get into any college I want:)
from p-ennylane :
gah. gwen, i have NO idea what your mother is thinking. at times is sounds like she loves you so much, and at other times, she does things that are just so damn hurtful. i'm sorry you're not feeling well - it worries me to read you diary and hear that you can barely walk, or that you had to go to the emergency room. but GREAT job on the econ test! i really think you should apply to UCLA. i'm certain you'll be able to get into a good college. take care, sweetie. xxx val
from officegal :
hunny, please. im sorry how can i make u feel better. lett me send you presents. your beautifull. please please chin up
from wolfstone :
gwen darling...you have got to take care of yourself. i'm so worried about you..i want to take a plane to america and hold you and make you safe. you have to take your insulin. please take care of yourself gwen..and it's great that you have a friend to help you. try not to let your mother get to you too much, alright? you're always in my thoughts..take care..*hugs*
from hungerwhore :
Try and stay strong. Lots of love and luck.
from p-ennylane :
so this means you're not going IP? dammit, it's all so unfair. you deserve so much to go. you deserve so much to get help. if there's anything i can ever do for you, please let me know. if you ever want to talk, i'm here. <br><br> and about throwing that bowl of brownies ... i completely understand. i did the same thing just about a week ago. and i did the same thing with the glass. i'm sorry, sweetie. :\
from anafaerie :
You're such a beautiful writer...I just kind of stumbled across your diary...and I could not stop reading. Take care and be careful. Feel free to read my diary!!! xOXo jessica
from carlita27016 :
Gwen, darling, you are NOT a horrible weight... I weigh 120 and people think I am 'skinny' ... I bet you look beautiful! Please stop stop stop stop stop killing yourself. <3
from inaptbeauty :
gwen, um, the entry you commented on, well, i guess i wasn't very clear... i was talking about my guy... he crossdresses... well, i cant really explain why. just go and surf the net for the explanation why guys do it. i don't exactly understand it either.. so im torn into pieces. i mean, instead of just focusing on my prob... (which is a lot more than i can handle..) i had to go think of this too! i just wonder where my life would turn into something normal or at the very least.. something i can handle.... xox Li
from xredbracelet :
Hi Gwen. I just wanted to apologize for my note the other day. I was afraid after I sent it that you were going to think I was absolutely horrid! I didn't mean that I thought you would like Ruth..b/c of the ED. Just because I think she's really nice. Have you guys ever met face to face or talked on the phone before? I think that's really great and sweet that you helped her! Best of luck to you. You are in my thoughts. I want you to overcome this because you are a beautiful person and you deserve happiness. If you give me the address to where you will be I will write you. -Katie
from soultonic :
Hi Gwen, I hope you get the help you want and need. You deserve better than this. We all do. Try and take care of yourself, I'll be thinking about you. Good luck.
from manic2 :
Hey lovely! I'm glad to hear that you are getting some much needed help! you are strong, look at all you've been through! Keep trying, keep fighting and you can beat this thing. I care so much about you and i know what it feels like to live with this monster on your back. just think about how happy and free you will feel when you`re all better! my love and prayers are with you! xo
from carlita27016 :
Hey hey, thanks for writing back :o) Most people don't. Aw I'm still so sad for you, please stop hurting yourself. Please. It doesnt do you any good... right? Right. *blushes* I don't think I am beautiful, but thank you babe. I bet you are too! I am feeling better... its just that my emotions are a total rollercoaster, and I worry about everything, and the tiniest things bother me sometimes... so I gotta learn not to take things so seriously sometimes. Hmm, but have a super day alrite? And Im always here if you need to talk. <3 Carly.
from ellemalen :
You are doing the right thing, trust me. We all want to see you beat this stupid disorder!
from magic-dirt :
Please sweetie dont be sorry. There is absolutely no need. You are trying so hard to recover- you are admitting you have a problem and are willing to go in a residential program. You are incredible, and braver than most people. I myself am too proud to even admit I have a problem. You really are stronger than you think---- The prob with my html is the back and foward links dont work. Do you reken if I gave you the password you could change it for us??? Only when youre ready and feeling up to it okay. Let me know. ~Katie
from pinquie :
thankyou for your msg, it's nice to know that somewhere, there is someone like me. However i feel ashamed to sink into the kind of internal despair i do on occaision, when there are people like you out there, fighting an obviously much harder battle than i. But i guess it's all part of a common war... The one thing i am thankful for, is that i still have my life, my sport, my grades and my bf. So i guess in some respects i am lucky... a lucky girl with some crazy, turbulent thoughts, and an ever shifting ed. As cliched as it may sound, even though i ahve only written 2 diary entries as yet, i feel warmed and enlightened by the few people have taken time to read what i ahve to say, and to not judge, but to offer support. i have never had that before... for that i thank you. pls, not me again soon, or anytime, i will always be around to talk. <3 emilia x
from mirrors-lie :
hun, you always leave such wonderful messages and I'm sorry that I am unable to help you as you have helped me. Your diary is heartbreaking. Do you sometimes feel it's worse that you have the past you have? That maybe you could recover, if you hadn't been through it all before? That's how I feel, and I sense that with you. The pills I mentioned in my entry are actually weight loss pills. Prescription ones. I waited so long for these and thought they were working for me when I started them last week, but turns out it was false hope. I've had no side effects - the sickness I talk about has been around for a few months. I am glad you are making hospitalisation a reality. I am afraid for you but I can see that you are trying. Erica
from magic-dirt :
Hun good luck! That must be the scariest thing.. And my last message- I was merely complimenting your writing, not aspiring to be like you. I hope one day you'll be able to write about beautiful things and not painful ones. ~Katie
from xredbracelet :
go to rogers. ruth (numbersgame) is there now. you guys will like each other.
from zerodoll :
i just wanted you to know that i am thinking about you and hoping the best for you. i am so sorry that things are to tied up and bounding you in this illness. one day mybe you will get better, i think you can. and if not well then mybe there is no hope for any one of us. but you are in my thoughts. i love you , sharla
from inaptbeauty :
girl, i see your pain now. clearer than before. i was only reading then. sympathetic &&wisihng for a speedy recovery. but now, i feel it too... i know the pain... (well, some of it) &&i know it's not too easy. im still too confused...
from p-ennylane :
i'm worried about you, sweetie. you don't deserve any of this, and i wish you could have a happy, healthy, ED-free life. i'm thinking about you all the time and hoping for the best for you. congrats on the purge-free day! don't minimize what an amazing accomplishment that is. take care. xxx
from manic2 :
Hey sweetie, I'm sorry that it's sounds like you had a rough weekend. When I read your diary I get so scared, I cry. Your health is getting worse and I don't want to see you die. You are so special. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! Don't let go of life, find some happiness and hold on. I lov you, don't give up, I'm always here!
from nuntobe :
Hey, just hang in there please. I know it is hard, and I am here for you no matter what. You cannot give up, I personally know how hard it is to keep fighting, but you are so wonderful for hanging on this long, and I know you will get through all of this one day. I will keep you in my prayers always, and I will be here for you always. May God Bless YOU!!! *huge hugs* ~Jamie~
from magic-dirt :
Hun, thank- you for your note! I screamed really loud at work when I read it! I cant believe you actually read a page of my crappy diary :) You know what? You might have an array of problems, to which I can’t even begin to relate to, but the way you write about them- with such eloquence... You actually make your pain sound appealing, you make me jealous hun. Please wake up and realise how talented and beautiful your really are..
from officegal :
YOu write so deep and beautiful. YOu are beautifull. i am so sorry all that you are going through. im sorry you feel the way you do. it is a terrible terrible diesease. im so sorry. please. please hold on. i care. please. your strong. you CAN make it!
from magic-dirt :
Im sure you dont care, but just letting you know that I'm addicted to your diary :) I'm insanely jealous of the way you write. And Im sorry about everything you're going through .*Hugs* Katie
from dust-settle :
just read some pages of your diary, and i think you write with a great style. i hope your content changes to happier things, i know its hard but wishing you well. take care. -michelle
from manic2 :
Hun, don't worry about me! You should be focussed on you right now. I wish there is something I could tell you that would make things better. Please realize that there are so many people who care for you and believe in you, and for a good reason too. You are such a beautiful person, everyone sees it, I only wish you could. Keep holding on, keep fighting, I believe in you!
from bleedblue :
When i thought things will never be enough, I realized that everything I did to heal, however little, would bring me that much closer to happiness. Don't be so quick to deconstruct. Take it step by step and live in the moment. I know this sounds all cliched, but it's true! I hope you get better.
from starstained :
wow. you are so amazing. reading your diary makes me want to just run over and hug you, heedless of where we are in the world. coming from you, those wonderful things you said surprised me, because i think them about you. ♥ you, honey. xx; kimia.
from p-ennylane :
do whatever you feel is right, gwen. don't let your mother pressure you into changing your mind. you deserve to put yourself first. i'm glad you got the ER dvds. it's a great show, isn't it? all the characters are great, but i've always been partial to carter myself. heh. you can do this. if you want to be a pediatrician, i have no doubt that you can become one. you're intelligent, compassionate, and resilient. and aren't those all qualities that a good doc would have? =D
from ellemalen :
As soon as I get my pictures developed, your letter is in the mail!
from officegal :
i know its been said. but ill say it agian. your a fighter. your stronger than all this.you will over come all this. I believe in you. YOu deserve so much more. good luck hun. i read your every word. and hope for your safety:) please be good:) your a beautifull writer, never let that go. you can be the pediatricion. you can make it:)
from emptyempty :
Gwen, sweetheartm I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, the troubles with your mum and the cutting and all (((hugs tightly))) You diaryentries are heartbreaking to read cause you express yourself so well - I know you can relate to a lot of my stuff too, I'm sorry you have so much problems all at once... <3 Stay strong hon, if it's one thing I know about you it's that you're a fighter. love, Hilde
from wanting-kind :
I'm so glad you're fighting, you are too beautiful to put into words and although you might not realise it, you are an inspiritation. Take care and don't give up, you're too precious for that. Love Lora xoxo
from bleedblue :
I want to hug you, and encircle you with my arms twofold. Love yourself, girl. HE cares for you. You owe it to yourself. Beautiful? Yes you are.
from starstained :
i am new to yr diary and i am, frankly, amazed at yr writing. dont ever leave, i'd miss you. ♥ love kimia.
from nuntobe :
Hi, just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers. Although we don't struggle with the exact same problems, I do know how it is to go through something you want to stop yet can't. I really hope that all will get better for you soon. Your diary is so intriguing to me, and I hope you don't mind me reading. May God Bless. ~Jamie~
from pigger18 :
I got the gbook message that you left me two days late cause my phone line was down for two days and couldn't access the net, but anywho, I wanted to say thanks for the message, it made me smile. And I really appreciate that you think that I would make a good therapist, that means alot to me, again thanks. I hope things start to look up for you soon, you deserve it. Take care xoxo.. ;)
from babe-o-gus :
I totally understand you... My "anniversary" is coming up soon. So hard...
from inaptbeauty :
my dear, you wouldn't know how much those words meant to me... i love you... &&please, take care of yourself for me.. for us.. ok? thanks for reaching out. it was what i need dear... really. thanx again
from bruised0x :
thanks love <3<3
from manic2 :
Gwen Sweetie, you've been sick for so long, you don't know how to be healthy anymore. I understand and I wish there was something I could do. You have tried so hard and that in itself is something to be proud of. Just keep fighting hun, it's all you can do! Take care!
from zerodoll :
your family just doesnt understand and if you were my family i would want you by my side all the time. take care, take your insulin and eat a bit. it cant hurt. xoxox sharla
from p-ennylane :
hey, gwen. i'm sorry things are so rough for you at home. i wish your family would give you the support you need and deserve. please keep trying, my dear. and thanks so much for the note. it made me smile. :D
from emptyempty :
Thank you, Gwen. You're a beautiful person, your writings are great. And the notes you leave mean so much more than you might think.. Thank you. Take care of yourself. <3
from comfortm :
Thank you. i think my father is the truly strong person here. he's been through alot more than me..he wasnt eve supposed to survive this long yet he has.I think he gets the medal.if i was strong..i wouldn't be in the situation i am in now. I really appreciate ur kind words..As i read them i wanted to cry. its been very emotional/nonemotional for me.its nice to have support when u really need it.Again thanks alot for the kind words. they touched my heart. take care,xoxo.
from p-ennylane :
my dear gwen. (i signed your gbook a while back. perhaps you have seen my message, perhaps not.) it hurts me so much to read that you're in so much pain. you don't deserve this, none of it. such an amazing, compassionate, intelligent girl. you deserve to have a red carpet rolled out before you, and yet you've experienced so much darkness in your young life. i'm thinking of you and hoping for you. you're amazing and the world is a better place with you in it. please keep fighting. xxx
from zerodoll :
im sorry you have relapsed but its not your fault. your sick you know and dont beat yourself up so much. sucks being suicidal dont it? i suggest you ask for some help before you do anything to hurt yourself. i hate to think anyone feels like i do, but ive just come out ot the hospital and the world us much worse to face after an attempt at hurting yourself. i know this is probably just bothersome, some girl suggesting getting help and all. but i just dont want to see you go through what i just have. the world hurts, god doesnt care and you might hate yourself but others love you. think of all the people that love you. they might be the only reason to hold on. please take care. if you need to talk send me your phone number and ill call. zerodoll22@hotmail.com or of course in my note would work too. i love you darling even though i dont kow your face. xoxo sharla
from inaptbeauty :
hey gwen, i don't know that i write beautifully, but i do know that you combine more pretty words better than anybody else. <3 Li
from inaptbeauty :
hey, how are things? <3 Li take care ok?
from ellemalen :
Please be okay Gwen :o(... I got your letter yesterday and I'm going to write back ASAP. You're so beautiful!
from sad-night :
hey! i came upon your diary. i hope you feel better hun'. xox sad-night
from freaknuraw :
Your a sister to mr. I love you so much Dim... You told me it bothers you that I don't tell you when I feel bad. So here I'm telling you. I feel shitty. I want to die... I'm sorry to tell you this... I really am...
from manic2 :
Sweetie, owie! If that happens to you again you shoukld really go see a doctor, I mean that can't be healthy? Maybe it's just something small like a bacteria or something you can kill with some pills, but if it's something more serious you don't want your bum explodeing :) or at least not have to go through that pain again! i hope you feel better! It sounds like you are having an sxciteing time. A new pet and your friend is staying with you! Maybe it will help take your mind off of things. Stay strong hun!
from manic2 :
Sweetie, owie! If that happens to you again you shoukld really go see a doctor, I mean that can't be healthy? Maybe it's just something small like a bacteria or something you can kill with some pills, but if it's something more serious you don't want your bum explodeing :) or at least not have to go through that pain again! i hope you feel better! It sounds like you are having an sxciteing time. A new pet and your friend is staying with you! Maybe it will help take your mind off of things. Stay strong hun!
from xemowhorex :
i sort of had the same thing happen to me not too long ago. only it wasn't as painfull as you decribed. i kept getting sharp pains in my blader area and thought i had to poo. when i stood up something just leaked out... when i got to the bathroom i saw that it was a bunch of bloody mucus... it hasn't happend since and i never called the doctor about it so i have no idea what it was... i guess i'm not much help. just thought i'd let you know i'd happend to some one else. if you find out what it was let me know k?
from crystalight :
gwenniee. :p hellooo. todays my ballet exam. hahaha. thanks for dropping a note girl. :p im fine. hahaha. losing weight. yeah. but i think cause of the ballet lessons everyday. haha. im not dieting dont worry! (: ahaha. love ya. (:
from inaptbeauty :
hey, i hope you'll get through this.. but not for others and everyone else, but for you... take care ok? <3
from fishnets666 :
Sure I can help (or try!). No need to pay me silly :P So it's when people press submit, it goes somewhere else? Can you email me and give me your username and password to you guestbook so I can check out the html on it?
from slipofagirl :
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} I had such high hopes when you first got out of IP. I was convinced that you had decided that recovery and life were for you... Now it seems like you're slipping back into it, and it breaks my heart. Take care of yourself sweetie. There are those of us out there who love you.
from lostunicorn :
*hugs* I hope you don't mind me reading your diary. I found it when you were away but you write so beautifully that I decieded to put you as a fave. Feel free to cheak out my diary. Love Lostunicorn x xx x x x x xx x
from thintowin :
Hi. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. Please take care of yourself.
from shh- :
hi there! I have to go "eat" but I'll finish this after I am "finished" hehehehe :)
from manic2 :
Hey Hun. It hurts so much to read your story, I wish you could love yourself. I'm sorry that you seem to be falling back into your old habbits. Keep fighting ok? Thank you so much for your kind words, even though I don't know you that well they mean a great deal to me. I'm doing ok, don't worry. And no I didn't narf the chisease food :)
from xredbracelet :
aww thank you. your super nice man :) i'm making my appointment tomorrow to get checked for hypoglycemia..but you know..you know you said you would eat ravenously or something...uh..i do! that's why i b/p so much i think. i just get SOOO hungry. i'll make them check me for both though. thank you for all the information. yo're actually one of them i noted (i think) about diabetes b/c i've read you talking about it (does that make sense? lol) well have a good night..or morning. whichever you prefer. not sure where you are located, but i'm in indiana and it's 4 10 am! my body is about to crash..but thanks again for the excellent info :) -kaytee
from anabunny :
Hey babe, I'm fine, I was just feeling nauseous and stuff like that... I'm alright now, and I'll be fine no matter what. I'm not even close to the point that I would die if I lost more weight.
from just-fine :
Thankyou for the diary recommendation, i've just added her. Don't worry about not being able to e-mail me back, i don't mind at all. I do know what you mean, i see myself in you so much and i don't know what i'd do if you weren't here. I worry about you and love you heaps too. takecare angel xoxox
from sexi-mami069 :
hi sweetie, wuts sup, i was readin your diary and decided to leave a note.just take care of urself and keep ya head up.come check my diary out too.holla!
from ellemalen :
Heh, I'm glad you haven't forgotten about me! I don't think I am physically nice looking, and I never really have thought that. My body image still sucks but my eating is okay, and I've never really thought I was pretty. But oh well.
from kaytayp :
thanks for the explanation - I had no idea that skipping injections had any potential correlation with weight. things definitely make a lot more sense now and I'm sorry for commenting without knowing all the factors involved. I worry to the point of being rash, especially about people who have incredible potential that is being smothered by unfortunate circumstances. take care and stay strong! love, katie
from hollym :
i cant explain it! i guess its similar to the psychology behind eating disorders. iv had diabetes such a long time that i have almost got complacent about it, put it behind me, let it slip into the bakground. i havent dun it deliberately, it slipped out of control and now its become my lifestyle, it sounds simple doesnt it- just inject, just test, but i cant, ive got used to a new way and i cant snap outta it. thanks so much for chatting because ive never told anyone about this, anyone that understands it anyway! its great to talk to another diabetic, i never have b4 u know!!!!
from hollym :
hey!i dont know wot my bloods are, i havent tested for about 3 years!(i hav no control!!), however,i think they wud b off the scale!im feeling better today because i stopped doing diabulimia things and swopped for cutting down on food. today i had a bowl of cereal (because i have physical work in the morning), then havnt eaten til now (dinner) and then that will be it. theres no more regular toilet trips or anything, dont feel so lethargic, its great! i hope i can keep it up because if i dont, il be bak to diabulimia again :s thanks for ur concern, theres no way id go to the dr with this!!!! my parents dont even have a clue!
from inaptbeauty :
i quoted you http://inaptbeauty.diaryland.com/hatethyself.html hope ou dont mind! just tell me and i wont do that. i hope everything's ok with you, with your fight... i know you can do it!
from sad-doll :
Gwen-- honey I love you so much and I worry please try to eat something I don't want your heart to go out or you to fall faint. I really really care about you and it makes me sad when I read how much you have to struggle I wish you could see how beautiful you are to me! You are so amazing and you have such a way with words. I love you. ♥ Audrey
from kaytayp :
take your insulin. maybe this is not what you need to hear, but then again, maybe it is. it makes no sense, even to a fellow mind corroded by the nonsensical, that you don't do this one simple thing. do it for your body. it has nothing to do with the mind. take care. love, katie
from ellemalen :
I'm glad to hear you're moving to make you feel a bit better. Will you write to me still? I loved writing you letters. Take care.
from cuddler711 :
hey there you know taht you can email me if you want to talk to someone i think htat i need to talk to you so i will try to email you someone called me and told me some shit that they heard but it is private so ill leave that till later ok? but keep it real.
from veggiepunk :
Hey, i am really glad you signed my guestbook to warn me...that is so kind of you and i can't believe that a stranger can be so concerned about me and that amazed me. Thank you very much,but i gotta tell ya that i don't really use laxatives, i drink a purging tea and i donnot think that it is very strong as laxatives pills...ok actually i have a silly question for you: what is purging exactly? i mean the tea i drink is for purging and it makes me like have a dirhhea, the tea is for constipation so i think you understand what i mean and when i go to the toilet i loose pounds by you know...diarhhea (i don't think i'm spelling that right) well i hope you understand me...is purging just puking?
from inaptbeauty :
and some times you gain more
from shh- :
hi, um thanks for your concern! it means a lot to me and I am truely sorry if I actually worried you. I worry myself sometimes. Hope you have a good day oh and again thanks for the note! mmwah! xoxo *nikki*
from hollym :
hey! i would LOVE to talk wityh you because i havent found any diabetic yet who has eating disorders! iv dun fasting and purging but now im diabulimic, do u omit insulin, it makes me feel shit, but it helps loose weight! i know i have to stop coz its life threatening but i cant help it! im on msn, hollymacartney@hotmail.com or email me pls!
from zerodoll :
i think its amazing, the way you want to get better and help others, get through school. you can do it all, i know you can. happiness will be yours. xoxo sharla
from emptyempty :
ps: duh, I forgot to add my name... lol. xxx ChaoticEvil/Hilde
from emptyempty :
Hey Gwen! It's been so long, I was pleased to see you're still wrirting in your diary. I finally started a diary again, too. Just so you know who the new freak who added you was ;) Take care <3
from anthony-k :
Hello, you don't know me, but i just wanted to say, i found you Dairy, and I liked it
from pleasediana :
i've moved xredbracelet
from shh- :
hey girl! I was just reading a dairy and came across yours and wanted to say hi! You seem really cool, I am afriad I have diabetes...or however the fuck you spell it. As you can tell I am very concerned with this..no. haha but I like the way you write and will definatly have to keep checking your diary! xoxo *nikki*
from bruised0x :
<3
from manic2 :
Banner? Sorry Gwen, computer illiterate here<- Ya, my mom is quite the character, maybe our moms should meet. They sound like they'd have alot in common! And people wonder why we are both so messed up :) Like I said though, All my copeing mechanisms have been ripped from me. I feel a little lost and out of control y'know. I don't like the way I'm dealing with things now but I don't feel I have many options. But if I bitch anymore I think I'm gonna have to off myself so on a positive note: I'm not thinking "when will this bitch shut up?" I'm thinking you are totally cool and thanks for all the notes, they really do help! Stay strong!
from ravenstears :
Hey, I can't believe parents some times (hugges) I hope u feel better, and if u do lock your diary, could I please have your username/password? my e-mail is ravens_tears@hotmail.com p.s. contact me if u EVER need anything even just someone to take to,k? love casey
from pleasediana :
i understand you locking this. when you do though, could i have a user name/password please so i continue reading?? -kaytee
from manic2 :
Music always seems to capture my feelings better then my own words do! It sucks that your mom read your diary. My stepmother is like that, she goes in my room looking for an excuse to make me feel bad! Unfortunately we're both not doing so great. But you are so strong, have gone through it all. Keep fighting, I'm sure death isn't all it's cracked up to be :P *virtual hug*
from step-inside :
Just wanted to tell you that I think you're really strong, fighting so hard for recovery. I respect that. Don't let yourself slip back into it, you're too good for that. Take care <3
from anainsight :
Please, please don't let your mother steal your recovery. Don't let her sick attitude steal your joy. If you have to lock your diary, please give me the password, I worry so much about you. I want to see you succeed at recovery more than I want to see myself succeed because you have suffered so much. You don't deserve this. I send you hugs from far away in Georgia!
from manic2 :
So glad to hear you are back! It must be so hard but it sounds like you're kicking butt! You'll be a doctor yet!
from krugerpak007 :
You are amazing. You have come so far and are so strong!You are a role model for us all! Take care of yourself!:-)Kathy
from just-fine :
Sweetheart Gwen, so nice to see apother update from you and hear your back. I hope circumstances will be okay from now on, it's going to be hard but you can do it love. You've come so far. Thankyou for your letter btw, i'm sorry i never got around to writing back, i was planning to. Lots of love and hugs, Claire xoxoxoxox
from sad-doll :
I love you stay strong sweetheart. ♥ <3 <3 <3
from sad-doll :
I'm glad your back, I love you always.
from iron-orchid :
I just found your journal and it's amazing. You write beautifully and your diary is so interesting... I'm sorry that you have to deal with such shit, though. :( I hope that going to Center For Discovery helps--at least a bit if not more. *hugs* (added you to my friends list, by the way)
from brokenmirror :
gewn dear, its good to see youre back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, I've read what your friends wrote while you were absent, YOU ARE SO STRONG!!!!!! You can do anything, i believe in you. You will make it. you will find the strength in yourself. I know it. dont give up love xxxxxRia
from carlita27016 :
Gwen... you have such a beautiful soul, and a beautiful name. You are so strong and smart, despite what anyone says. You've been through so much, and I admire you for getting through it and realizing that Anorexia and Bulimia doesn't solve anything, it only messes things up. God made you the way that you are and you shouldn't try to change anything about that. Take care ~ you're alive and you'll be fine and thats all that matters... Love Carly :o)
from brokenmirror :
Sweet poem!! I'm so glad to hear that Gwen is doing fine. Please pass on all my loves and huggs and best wishes to/ for her. shes such a strong and adorable girl, she'll not fall back into ad habits when she gets out, she is going to beat this illness. All my love, xxxxxxxxxxRia
from pleasediana :
Awww your poem was really sweet :) It didn't suck at all.
from girlatdusk :
Please pass this on: Gwen, with everything you are going through in your life, you still stopped to write me a kind note. I haven't forgotten you in my prayers, and I hope you are doing well. You must be an amazing person to have so many people write such loving messages to you. I know that your diary has endeared you to my heart. I hadn't been on the computer in a while, and didn't realize you were so ill. I'm sorry, and have faith that you can overcome this. There are many of us out here for you to lean on.
from wanting-kind :
I'm glad you're trying to get better Gwen, you have always been beautiful, inside and out. Now I hope you can learn to love what you have, you will never be on your own because we all love you and want to help in any way we can to get you better. Take care and keep fighting sweetie, Love Lora xoxo
from lostunicorn :
Wow, Could you please pass this on to Gwen... Her writing in amazing. Wishing you the best of luck and strength for getting better x x x
from sapphire292 :
Tell her that she is very beautiful, as is her writing. I just started reading today, I'm already hooked:) Lots of love and don't every let anyone tell you your not beautiful.. inside and out:) love- -Alana
from anawanna :
hey adria! If you talk to gwen soon please tell her this, i think she is absoultely beautiful. And I love and support everything she is doing even though i have never met her, i have never know anyone to be so strong and beautiful.
from supercip :
i read your diary today- found a link through someone elses diary. the fact that you can stop, that you are trying, gives me hope of someday doing the same. be strong, you can do it. *CIP*
from littleme42 :
Gwen um u don't know me but i'd been reading ur diary's and they r sad and i hope things go well with ur recovery! U seem like a nice person. I think u would be way more beautiful if u did gain weight. I think u would be happy too. so i hope ur life comes to happiness soon cause i would love to hear u happy. if u ever want to talk my sn is littlebratt42000 or email me at yackychick@yahoo.com. I would love to talk! bye love rachelle
from freakystump :
That's great Gwen, about going to that place. I truly hope things go good for you! I don't know you that well, but I do care. You are going to beat this some day, you really are. You might not get this message, and I don't have your email address anymore, but sending it just in case. Take care! xo Janice
from brokenmirror :
darling,I am so happy to hear that!!!!! Sorry i havent been around lately as much as i used to be, but I have never left you and i never would. I love you, you are so beautiful and Im really really proud of you!!!!!! be strong, dear!!!!! I hope its not too late to send you an email and ask for your adress, I'd love to send you something sweet and help you through this rough timne, cos girl, you deserve it so much!!! you deserve being happy and healthy!!!!! I heart you!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMiranda
from porcelaina :
Hey, I've locked my diary. If you'd still like to read it you can use the username porcelaina and the password tf.
from blue82 :
Good luck with the treatment, wishing you all the best.
from still-i-rise :
Thanks for the note Gwen. I worry about you constantly, I'm sorry that you're hurting so much, I wish there was something I could do to make it all better. Take care sweetie, Love Lora xoxox
from mslola :
Thanxs for the words of incouragement (sp?). I have to keep remembering that there realy are more good moments than bad days.
from kim9699 :
Oh, and you are so not DIM!! Hugs,Kim xoxoxo
from kim9699 :
Hey Gwennie :0) Thanks for the note chickie. Yes, Julia does have a dollhouse, but she isn't really into it now. She liked it for a few months..maybe she will get back into it. Now she is into those Bratz dolls as well as the powerpuff girls. I am glad to hear you are going back in for treatment. I really hope that things get better really soon for you. I often worry about you...call it my maternal side if you will :0) As I have said before.... you are a beautiful person with so much to offer. Please stay in touch somehow while you are there if you can? I'll send you my address via email if you want? Just know that many people DO care about you sweetie and we all want the best for you. Take care of YOU. Kim
from amiss83 :
Thank you for the nice message. About the comment about your diary, it's not that I found your diary interesting (although it is). And although I can't really relate to your weight issues, I can relate to your suicidal thoughts. Every entry you write really touches my heart, and I swear I end up in tears before the last word. Its just that sometimes you put what I am thinking and cannot say into words. I really hope things get better for you, you seem like too nice of a person to have so much pain. Take care :) Aimee
from peytonsplace :
I LOVE Harry Potter! My mom ordered me and her the new book already because we are such big fans. I think they get better with each one! I think about you often and wish you the best this world has to offer. Take care of yourself and always know you have tons of people pulling for you.
from sad-doll :
Darling, I just wish I could make everything better for you.
from x1968x :
your entries are always so interesting. <3
from just-fine :
Just to say that i love you. I am so thankful for you, for who you are. You may gain a stalker :D xoxooxoxox
from carlita27016 :
Hey! I tried adding you to my msn - but it didn't work. *pouts* You just sound like an amazing girl. And I'm reallllyyy sorry that happened to you yesterday - how are you? Are you ok? I'm glad you have that supportive friend to help you out :) *smiles* ... stay strong... you are beautiful. From - Carly. I hope to hear from you.
from ellemalen :
Thanks for the sweet note. I can't lay off dance because next week I have to do a really important show and need all the practce you can get. I hope you're doing ok! Don't give up.
from sad-doll :
Gwen, I love you, please don't give up. I just want all the best for you I want you to be happy -- I know I'm just a stranger from the internet. It makes me so sad I can't do anything for you doll, you deserve to be happy you deserve to be healthy. you deserve life. ♥ always, Audrey
from kim9699 :
Does anyone who reads Gwen's diary know if she is okay or not.. or is in treatment I hope ? <p> Gwen, I hope you are okay wherever you are. Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and that I am concerned. Take care. Hugs, Kim
from luckygurl-18 :
I have never written to you before, but I keep up on your diary. I haven't heard from you in awhile, and i hope you are all right.
from just-fine :
Gwen, i just wanted to write and say i miss you so much and i'm thinking of you. You are such a special friend to me, such a special person. The only one who understands completly, all these diabetes worries. I hope your okay in ip, and your getting help. We have to talk on aim when you get back :) Love u so much sweetheart xox
from freaknuraw :
Hey there hun! I'm doing good how about you? Everything is getting in order (hopefully). Where have you been? I have tried to call but nobody answers the phone. Well talk to you later take care hun! love you!
from whiterussian :
hey hun! are you doing alright??? i haven't heard from you in a while!! i hope that everything is getting better for you. smooches, rach
from justletmego :
Awww...I hope you get better. You don't deserve to go threw all that your going through. I will keep thinking of you..., in hope of your recovery. <3 Kara
from kim9699 :
Gwennie, Hey Girlie. Just a note to let you know I have been thinking of you. Things have been pretty hectic here so I haven't has as much time online. You are in my thoughts though, and I really hope things start to look positive for you soon. You have sooooooo much to offer. Kim xoxoxo
from sad-doll :
All this money you owe on E-bay you'll find it some where. I promise everything's going to work out and everything will be okay if you ever need me you know where I'm at anything at all. -x- Always, Audrey ♥
from just-fine :
I love you so much, these words make me cry. I want to hold you and catch your teardrops in my hands. No matter how distanced i may seem, because i know i am like that alot of the time, your beauty never surpasses my gaze. xo
from sad-doll :
everything will be okay.. *hugs*
from onyx-cherub :
*hugs tightly*
from smoothdust :
hey whats up im new to this diary stuff and i think its cool that u write about ur ed i have had one for about 6 years now they think im trying to stop but its impossible i think ur awsome and i want to chat sometime well nice entries and profile talk to you later bye
from solstraale :
i just want to cry when i read your diary.. i understand what you write.. having a hard time myself - but i wish i could promise you that everything would be alrigt- and that i could give you a hug...please take care of yourself
from just-fine :
I took some, took 21 units because i felt awful :( How many units r u supposed to have during a day? I'm supposed to have two injections, 1st about 30-35 units, 2nd 40ish. Anyway, i took some, i hope your doing okay love. I wanted to ask you a weird question, do your nails and toenails go blue when your really high? light blue/purple? errrr It's really scary! I wanted to know if its the diabetes or just the mia in general u know? Anyway hold on, love u, i'm off for yet another drink *sigh* My mouth feels like the sahara desert!xox<3
from hungerwhore :
I believe in you darlin. Try and stay postive about recovery. You deserve it. Lots of luck.
from sugar4ree :
I cant believe your brother and mom acted that way towards you while you were in the hospital!! I do the same stuff with the meal plans though..and they never work out either so I know how frustrating that is. (((hugs))) take care!!
from onyx-cherub :
your words are so painfully beautiful, darling.
from sad-doll :
Everything is going to be okay.. I pinky promise ♥
from hibiscus101 :
good for you darling
from sad-doll :
Darling Gwen, Ah, your life sounds so horrible, constant binges, I think your mother is like mine, she yells too much. My mom threatens to send me to Mental hospitals and almost would have if I hadn't been arrested, Gee I sound like such a great person don't I? That's okay I hope you don't judge me. Some day everything will be okay, I promise, just right now -- things are tough. I think you would be happier if you stopped all the binges but that's just what I think I don't want to sound like your mom or your counsler I'm just another girl with problems. I'm glad you've found someone to help you -- Ambein is so much fun I used to sell my 20 mgs of it for 20 dollars a peice I've done so many crazy things while I was on ambein but it just makes everything okay and I don't have to worry any more. That's all I seem to do is worry.. I really want you to be happy *hugs* if theres anything I can do which there probably isn't tell me alright beautiful? ♥ always, Audrey xoexoh ♥♥♥
from whisper-ana :
hey, i am so happy fr you have found a good friend who can help you stay motivated. and congrats for not binging :) and it was you who made it happen not your friend or anyone else. your entry kinda made my day you know, i suddenly felt so happy, happy for you. i hope things will get better and better for you every day and you'll have more things happening that will make you feel better, oh i am sure you understood what i mean :) take care gwen!
from sad-doll :
you are amazing. xoexoh. ♥ audrey
from onyx-cherub :
*exhales slowly* wow - your words are very powerful. i'm here for you, darling.
from alysia :
thanks for the message. you are really sweet. :)
from brokenmirror :
Is it now positive or negative that you are allowed to study at home, seperated from them? Take care, darling, youre so beautiful. xxxxxRia
from caligurl2004 :
I've been reading you for a while, and I really like your diary. I hope you don't mind if I add you as a favorite. Take care, ~*Caligurl2004*~
from alysia :
really like your diary. :) you seem like such a great person...
from sharpsecret :
god...im so sorry u seem so low.like everything has blown up around u.i hate it when everything just explodes and you cant cope.its scary.i dont feel like myself anymore either,like u cant b social.i think these eating problems really change a person.i think i have changed alot.i wish i was near you (hugs) i have msn if u do hayley_foster@hotmail.com we could talk some time.im thinking of u xxx <3 xxx
from kim9699 :
Hi Gwennie, Thanks so much for your sweet note. I am doing better now.Things always do get better eventually... even if you do not see it that way at first. I hope that you are doing better as well. Take care and stay strong.I know you can do it :0) Hugs, Kim
from brokenmirror :
Sweetheart, thank you so very much for your sweet note, you are so beautiful!! Im so sorry you had to go though this, too. Every death just makes me so sad, and i wonder who might be the next one. Please, dear, dont die! PLease dont. I havent known you for very long but I already care for you. I dont know what 1/10 means, or what a HbA1c is. But it does NOt sound good at all. I have a heart damage as well, from (still) being extremly anemic (during my goth time i used to drop my iron level so my skin was naturally pale and i never cared about bringing it up again). it is nothing as bad as yours but still i can emphazise. And like you are not taking your insulin, im never taking my pills. Please, hun, I dont want you to have to spend time at the hospital, I dont want you to have to go through this :( Of course I will send you flowers (or better: little goodies, the flowers would be all decayed till you gt them..) But if the situation gets even more screwed (whish i hope will NEVER HAPPEN!!!!!!!) and you cant go to diaryland anymore, please send me a text message or let me send you a message, just dont simply vanish, ok? Please?! Im living in Germany again. I used to live here till i was 8, then move to Scotlan, got kicked out after my suicide attempt when i was 17, moved back to Germany, went to Scotland after my best friends as well as my bf suicide and now decided to never go back to Scotland in my whole life again :( Sorry, that was my life story in short.. I know what you mean by understanding what someone is saying and waht he is truly understanding it. My professor for linguisit would now say that you always interpret things so that they fit into your own context :) Sounds stupid, i know, feeling of belongingness is always true. just like songs can make you cry becasue the lyrics remind you of your life. Youre beautiul, hun. Dont give up xxxxxxMiranda
from pinkballoon :
Ugh, mouse traps. My mum set out some once and didn't tell me, and I found one with a mouse in it :( Any news about Center for Discovery? I doubt there probably is, but I'm still hoping. I wish I had some kind of say in all that kind of stuff, I'd make insurance companies pay for it. Sigh.
from kim9699 :
HI there Gwennie, I was surprised to see you back home again so soon. I hope you are feeling a little better today than yesterday.I am sorry that you have to deal with so much. Stay strong girlie. Hugs, Kim
from brokenmirror :
Thank you so much for your sweet note darling. Its just so sad to lose friends you love to pieces to eating disorders. I cant say that I dont understand. i have been there. My whole school has been there so it seems. bloody razorblades and anorexics/ bulimics that have ainted in the toilet were such a normal sight that we reacted automatically on it. Te girls there taught each other at the age of 10 how to puge professionally. I know it. I have been a purging student as well. But perspectives change when its your friends who are dying. When they die without wanting it. When they went to bed and wanted to enjoy the next morning, go to a cncert or anyhting. YOu know. Dont listen to your brother. Dont EVER lisen to him. dont let his words hurt you. He has a serious problem himself, he is not in the position to go around and make false accuses, or hurt others. He has NO RIGHT to do that. And you know that hes wrong. Just as your mother is. What does she expect?? Your in treatment with this, your down to 98 pounds, all your thoughts are fixed on your ED, how could you be supposed to have the energy to fucking clean the house? What about your brother? He sounds as if he had a lot of time he could spend cleaning. This always makes me so mad. Your beautiful girl, I wish i could do something. PLease take care of yourself. And Happy valentines!! *HUGGS* xxxxRia
from crystalight :
gwennie =P how are you? anyways its valentines day over here. so happy valentines day "big sister" =P get back to me soon alright? love ya :)
from adipose :
Here is the thing- the 9 lbs will go down by moring. The whole trick with ED is that they can't hosptilize you if you want to keep your ED strong. Which means even when you don't want to that you have to do the things to keep you minmillly healthy. Plus, you have a whole big illness to deal with. I don't knwo how you do it. I don't have diabietes and it is hard as hell for me to hide shit. I wish you well, and hope you know that if you die you lose. You will never have your moment of perfection in a casket. Love beyond love.
from adipose :
Here is the thing- the 9 lbs will go down by moring. The whole trick with ED is that they can't hosptilize you if you want to keep your ED strong. Which means even when you don't want to that you have to do the things to keep you minmillly healthy. Plus, you have a whole big illness to deal with. I don't knwo how you do it. I don't have diabietes and it is hard as hell for me to hide shit. I wish you well, and hope you know that if you die you lose. You will never have your moment of perfection in a casket. Love beyond love.
from brokenmirror :
Your diary is beautiful, YOU are beautiful. i love your words, dear. xxxxxx
from whisper-ana :
hey i am sorry i sounded like a moron in my previous note. i guess i was moved by your entry in your diary about the hospital and got really mad at those people. sorry again i did not mean to give advice or anything ok?
from whisper-ana :
hey, i hope you are doing better. i wish i had some wisdom to share to make you feel better but i am one of the dumbest person you'd ever meet :P i do not want to sound like i am giving advice or anything i mean who am i to give advice. i just wanted to say that i hope you will get better soon, and won't have any health problems you know. and those doctors and nurses can be rough sometimes. i think they sometimes think it is for the best or that it will work on some people. oh well. what am i saying again i can't keep track of my words. just be careful ok, take good care of yourself. try not to purge and stay away from laxes for at least sometime you know. and anyways, good luck. i am sure you will recover because you definitely have more brain than many people. take care
from crystalight :
gwenniee. =P im waiting for your reply :D ahh. but if you dont want to. its okay.. :)
from dasauce :
I am glad you liked it. I don't pussy foot around folks who have some form of 'order. I figure they aren't used to being treated and treating themselves like everyone else--and thus it is my duty to do so. So THERE. --Big Piles O' Best, --Rick
from dasauce :
Funny about Half Moon Bay... I lived there for nine years and miss it terribly. Here's a bit about heading down from there to get soup in Pescadero. http://dasauce.diaryland.com/Soup.html Best, DatSauceGuy
from w-barbie :
hey, i wanted to email you my username and password but i couldn't find your email??? well, just email me and i'll send it to ya (wishingbarbie@hotmail.com)
from dancingcow :
Hey DuDe! I love you girly. Can't wait to see you. Still wonder how, with all your grace and talent. you don't have an ego or an ounce of selfishness in you. Otay... Talk to you soon, You are amazing and I love you. *Dancer*
from kim9699 :
Thanks so much for your note. That was so sweet of you. I am okay, just kinda bummed out I guess. I did email you a few weeks ago but I don't think you read it? Oh, and the same goes for you...I am always here if you need me. Feel free to email me or IM me if you want to talk. Hope you are having a better night this evening.
from adipose :
Ohhh, and I know what it is like to dread going out into the world. Too many eyes. To your dream I think sex is very deeply realted to eating disorders. I am not sure why, but I think that the fear of devolping a volumpouses body, earthly and womanly is the a part of the core of the fear of gaining weight. Being round, always better to be thin, so eyes can slid off of you.
from adipose :
Thank you so much for listing me as one of your favorites. I was really happy when I saw that. How did you stumble across ym diary, and what did you like about it?
from meandmysoda :
Hey! Thanks for leaving me a note! I just finished checking out your diary, that was a weird dream you had hun. But yea, to answer your question ... yes I do have an ED, but no I do not have Diabetes. But - quite a few members of my family are diabetic, including my brother, and one of my good friends who also has an ED is Diabetic. Anyways, thanks for the note! And thanks, same to you if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here! Tootles, Ducky
from psychonurse :
you really are amazing, i beleive you want to get through this all. i have a lot of faith in you and ps you don't drag me down. i truly see in you what someday you will see in yourself. once again keep up the faith you truly are a beautiful person.
from ciaramyst :
:)
from violet-sins :
Hey, I'll look into why you couldn't access it. It should be unlocked. Anyway, thanks for leaving a note.
from crystalight :
ahh. dimstar. :) i tried to mail you but i couldnt find your email address. i have been keeping up with your entries ever since i discovered you added me as a favourite diary. just want to let you know. ever since you added me and i have a feeling have been keeping up with my diary, i feel as though we have a close link between us. somehow. like a big sis. drop me a mail when you can. my email address is available at my diary. meanwhile take care of yourself. love you..sister. :P
from diet-7up-nut :
Hello... this is diet 7-up nut. *grins*. Thanks for the message... it helped, somehow. And yep, an ED is hell; I have been struggling with mine for one year. Sucks. But thanks for the note:). It brightened my day. -Jackie
from just-fine :
I just wanted to say i love you and i'm thinking of you. I'm sorry about the whole hospital thing, i hope we can talk soon on msn or something. I've missed you, and you know i understand. <3 Lots of hugs Claire xox
from kim9699 :
I was worried about you and figured you were admitted to the hospital. I hope you start feeling better real soon. Take care.
from psychonurse :
glad your home. keep up the faith. you will learn what you need in life to survive. ok so 99 lbs is ok. guess who. see you tuesday
from sharpsecret :
love ur words,i can relate i hope u can fight this x
from val22 :
In case you are admitted to a hospital just remember that you're in my thoughts and I hope everything works out for you and that you realize that you aren't worthless and you are important and smart and loved :)
from kim9699 :
Typed too quickly, shame shame lol. I meant onto your Aim list. Have a good day.
from kim9699 :
Thank you for your kind words regarding my motherinlaw and my pup. You were right about David's teeth. He has 3 pretty loose ones already,lol. I really hope you are having a great day. If you ever want to talk you can add Kim949699 onto your buddy list.
from val22 :
Hey you have no need to apologize for your diary. You speak so honestly and have so much respect for that. Anyway feel free to add me to your AIM buddy list, my sn is Valvita20 :)
from kim9699 :
A friend of mine sent me a link to your journal because it broke her heart. I just finished reading over quite a few entries and I have to agree with her.I really hope that somehow you can get some help and live a happy life someday. Take care. Kim
from val22 :
I happened to stumble across your diary and from the first entry I was hooked. Your entries break my heart and I hope that you do end up beating this demon and living a long happy life away from people who bring you down. Good Luck :)
from killkessa :
Hi, TF is an ED message board I post a lot, that's how most people find my diary but I'm delighted you saw it in a ring and liked it. I'm so glad I was able to discover yours :) Anyhow, yes my name. There is both a literal and symbolic meaning.. I guess destroy the pathetically weak stereotype of an 'anorexic' as displayed in 'The best little girl in the world'. Or just starve yourself and consequently die or be on the quest to kill your body.. well not that I'm suggesting anyone do that but you know, let's be honest. Literally, I started out as 'Kessa' at Something Fishy and a bunch of people were insulting/attacking me so I became killkessa to combat that in addition to making a more meaningful statemnt. I'm such a rambler, eh?
from killkessa :
Dimstar- I assume you are from TF, what's your screen name there? I see you've added me as a favorite. I'm very flattered :) May I ask what the comment below means? It perked my interest, haha.. anyhow, you write wonderfully, it is a joy to read.. well not in the sense that your entries are often filled with pain and longing but I can relate. I've been through 20 odd round of treatment myself and it starts to wear on you. how are you doing? hope all is well. i shall continue to read.
from nemi- :
Hey, It's me, Line. I just wanted to say that I love ur diary. U are so honest. Well that's all for now. Talk to u later. Ciao Love Line
from dimstar :
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update April 6, 2020: Sorry, we just had 8+ hours downtime due to a server problem. Restoring from backups took soooo long, but everything is back and no data was lost. Ay yay yay! Anyhow, hope everyone is well with the virus stuff.

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