messages to loveherwell:
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from happyone :
April 12, 2024: I'm sure Seth wants to marry you, but he probably isn't ready yet. Men take longer to mature and get into the program than women. When my husband (then boyfriend) moved in with me, I thought we might get engaged soon after, but it took him 2 years to propose. I just let it drop and thought he might never propose because why would he when we were already living together? He said he woke up one day and said, "Today is the day," and he went out and bought a ring. So I just had to wait until he was ready and it was his idea. But - with you making all the sacrifices with your job and moving, I totally understand you want more of a commitment.
from lust- :
Thank you. That means a lot. I'm glad things are good for you right now and that you enjoyed your holiday. The photos are lovely.🤎
from happyone :
March 15, 2024: So much of your diary reminds me of myself and how my brain sometimes thinks. We can be so cruel to ourselves when we would never ever say those kinds of things to others! Crazy, ain't it.
from swordfern :
"it feels like if i do get my way, i've pushed him into it." I relate to this a lot, and it prevents me from expressing my needs. An example: R didn't tell me that he loved me on Vday, but if I tell him that I was disappointed, then he'll just make a note to tell me that he loves me on that day each year. Which is nice, but it's also not really what I'd hoped for. Anyhow, I see you and hope that you know that you are not alone in this type of struggle.
from orangepeeler :
P.S.... and it's not stupid to want someone to scream their love for you from the rooftops... xx
from orangepeeler :
A happy belated birthday! Re: meds - well done, you!
from papotheclown :
That's a nice thing to hear, thank you. I was rather charmed by you as well. I only wish we had more time together, if nothing else so we could watch "Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again"
from sophunique :
I feel the same way when I don't walk. or when I eat ice cream. I went months without eating ice cream. I've lost 36 pounds by dieting and I feel like a shit when I eat too many carbs or don't exercise. I fear food for the first time because I don't want to gain any weight back. What does that mean about me? Is it eating disorder level? I don't think so, but its definitely not a healthy mindset for myself. Thank you for posting.
from orangepeeler :
07.09.23: hope you're feeling better about yourself, and that you get some rest soon xx
from lust- :
We love Seth! Sounds like the weekend was fab. Hope the school year is good to ya.
from orangepeeler :
Oooh! That sounds so charming. Enjoy Japan!
from lust- :
Omg, have a blast in Japan! Looking forward to seeing photos and reading about it!xo
from moodswing :
have fun in Japan!!
from happyone :
May 30, 2023: I have totally been where you have been, longing so badly to have someone in my life who WANTS me. People always say, "Be careful what you wish for" and I'm here to say it's SO TRUE. I pined and longed for someone to be with for YEARS only to suddenly get exactly that. My husband has lived with me for almost TEN years now (FOUR years before we got married), so I basically have not had a moment alone since. I never got to live alone as an adult, so I would take full advantage of that if and when you can! Significant others are great but they can also be HELLA annoying, so I say embrace the solitude! It's not a bad thing. :) -Ashley
from swordfern :
I hope that you know that we enjoy reading your diary because *you* are interesting. It's normal for your writing to be disjointed when your mind is turbulent.
from moodswing :
Spit out those words! I know that feeling.
from swordfern :
I've loved the times in my life where I've lived in my own little spaces. There's something magical about decorating exactly as you please, inviting your lover for a sleepover, and filling the kitchen with the smell of muffins baking in your own oven. I haven't heard your reasons for not doing this, so forgive my ignorance to the complexities.
from papotheclown :
Thank you. You're lovely
from swordfern :
Congratulations on the promotion! I'm glad that your efforts have been acknowledged and recognized. Awesome!
from orangepeeler :
thank you for the sweet note xx
from aryssa90 :
I want to go everywhere in Europe lol, I'm having a hard time deciding. As for feeling stagnant...I can relate. It's such an unsettling feeling. I wish I had any advice for you but mostly I just struggle and try to switch things up a bit until I don't feel like that. I'm always here if you need to chat! <3
from swordfern :
Happy birthday, my sweet friend!!
from erases :
happy birthday, t! 33’s a great one.
from orangepeeler :
I hope you get some rest soon. Happy birthday xx
from swordfern :
When I was struggling with social anxiety, pressure from my partner to look like I was having a good time only added to the mess. Being fully accepted and never pressured to go out gave me the space to resolve the issue and ultimately find authentic joy in social situations. In terms of you, though, I know that it's not easy to admit that there's something not quite perfect with an otherwise excellent relationship, and I applaud your bravery and honesty.
from lust- :
I hope y'all are able to find a good therapist for him!xo
from lust- :
Glad you had such a good time at Death Cab! Hmm, does Seth have social anxiety? Cause what you wrote about him sounds very relatable.
from girl-aflame :
I know exactly what you mean about crossing people’s minds. So many people I’ve lost touch with that I think of fondly, and I hope they think of me too. It is indeed magical…like a kind of time travel.
from erases :
I do love Domino's... that brownie? Good lord.
from erases :
<3
from bliss-sad :
(12.12.22) I relate so deeply.
from orangepeeler :
12-12-22: Oh yeah I'm the same, if I go without yoga for 2 days, I'm super anxious. I think it's okay that anxiety is a part of you. It's as much a part of you as the capacity for joy and humour, I think. Possibly the latter is all the more keener because of your anxiety. xx
from swordfern :
Yeah, round 2 only four months after the previous. This time was far milder though! I'm already able to move around without needing to take rest breaks.
from lust- :
Thank you! It was a good one.<3
from swordfern :
I love reading about these everyday moments that you share with Seth; I can feel the warmth and comfort through your writing.
from erases :
Life tends to slow you down just at the moment you need it. Rest up and feel better. You'll get through this.
from orangepeeler :
Oof. Hoping you have a swift recovery x
from jarofporter :
possibly separation anxiety from seth? would make some sense, i think?
from swordfern :
The anxiety and panic attack sounds terrible. I hope that you can get some answers and relief from this. It does seem odd to have worsened when you are in a pretty good place emotionally, especially compared with other times in your life.
from the-grey-one :
maybe it’s because you’re feeling like you have more to lose right now? it may not be a backslide so much as an upswing, which in my experience, also comes with trappings of issues to deal with. whatever the reason, i’m glad you’ve got support and experience in navigating it. <3
from erases :
It will get better. It must.
from erases :
Thank you; really. Hope all is well with you and yours.
from swordfern :
Sorry to hear about your brother. Everything that I can think of to say seems like a platitude. Addiction is devastating.
from lust- :
Oof, that's tough. I hope your family has the support you need to get through this together.xo
from lust- :
Tia, your latest entry made me well tears of joy for you. Everything sounds positively beautiful. Feeling so much happiness for you.xo
from orangepeeler :
Yay for going to therapy, and yay for completing therapy!
from the-grey-one :
i’m so happy for you! : )
from swordfern :
This is just the best entry ever. Your contentment and warmth shines though your writing.
from dangerspouse :
A taiyaki pan! I'm sure he'll love it. What kind of filling does he like? (Big red bean paste fan here :) )
from the-grey-one :
<3 i’m sorry you can relate, but thank you for relating
from whystinger :
Don't move in until YOU are ready. I need to finish reaching your entries, but have to stop to handle a chore
from swordfern :
Russell and I dated for TWO YEARS before moving in together. One day I woke up and wanted to move in with him, after months and months of tormenting myself with the thought that I *should* want to move in with him. I know that it's tough to not compare your relationship timeline with others. Trust yourself. Taking the time to ensure that you're ready could make a difference in how things pan out long term.
from orangepeeler :
Thanks for the sweet note xx
from swordfern :
Happy Birthday!
from moodswing :
Haaaaappy birthday! star star star, present, party face
from orangepeeler :
an early happy birthday! wishing you an awesome day xx
from littlesushi :
thanks for the add :) i checked out your diary and like what i see, so i'll add you!
from swordfern :
I love to hear about your connection with him. I can feel the magic from here.
from lust- :
Thank you.xo
from lust- :
I figured things were good when you hadn't been updating as much. And, wow, love! That's so special.xo
from swordfern :
I like how this sounds. Fondness and appreciation without criticism or defense. A very nice way to spend the holiday season, and perhaps beyond!
from orangepeeler :
I'm so happy for you! :)
from christ666 :
I think when you let yourself be vulnerable with somebody, you become more honest with yourself, and you learn not just what you want out of a relationship, but also to be brave when the next one comes along. Stoked to hear you've found somebody that makes your heart happy!
from the-grey-one :
^_^ !
from swordfern :
I'm so glad to hear that you found someone to form a connection with. You seem so calm and at peace and tended to. All good things and a relief from the recent struggles.
from lust- :
!!!<3
from jarofporter :
happy for you, congrats!
from lust- :
Sounds as if things are progressing slowly and in a very lovely manner with Seth. Emo night show you sayyy? That's gonna be so fun! Enjoy this!xo
from jarofporter :
thanks! sorry to hear of your illness - hope you're starting to feel better! and i think starting therapy is cool, wish i could justify the out-of-pocket costs, if i could, i'd go back. wishing you success with it!
from swordfern :
Oooof. Thinking of you.
from christ666 :
Hang in there. Quand on a pas ce que l’on aime, il faut aimer ce que l’on a
from whystinger :
Awesome for the first date!
from portlypete :
I came to your post purely by accident. Now I really need to know how things panned out.
from aryssa90 :
You will. You’re wonderful 💜
from jarofporter :
from this point, "now it feels like..." i really identify with what you wrote - i've been feeling the same. it *will* eventually pass, but i know it really sucks in the meantime. hang in there...
from orangepeeler :
I am so sorry you're hurting. You totally deserve love, and you should be proud of yourself for being open and loving. It was super brave of you, and when you go into your next relationship, you'll have the memory of that strength to guide you. I think whoever comes along next will be absolutely appreciative of that.
from swordfern :
You are. I'm sad for your loss, and at the same time I am happy that you had the opportunity to experience this kind of open-hearted relationship. Holding those two things simultaneously is, for me, the definition of heartbreak. You were courageous in your relationship with him; I hope that you can find the strength to remain open and loving around those who see your vast beauty and worth.
from lust- :
You are so worthy of happiness and that glimpse of loveliness that you witnessed is out there for you. But, for now, it fucking sucks. Thanks for allowing us to witness this journey. I was rooting for y'all and that list of beautiful things is so pure and true.xo
from erases :
you deserve it all, and it will happen. the process has already begun. the great dandini has predicted it; so sayeth the soothsayer. heeyah!
from swordfern :
Unwelcome ghosts from the past. Non-apologies are interesting and often highlight the person's original mistake and confirm their character flaws... I'm glad to hear that you are putting yourself first and not responding.
from whystinger :
Sounds like you have been working out too hard. Good luck with the new regimen. Les us know how it works out.
from moodswing :
Roy is way hot and I cry at almost every episode. It's so nice to watch a show and not be afraid something really terrible is about to happen
from lust- :
Sounds like such a powerful connection and that you're already learning and growing through it. Props to both of you!xo
from orangepeeler :
"a true gift": awwwwwesome!! :)
from whystinger :
I like this relationship and you seeing how you should be treated. Applause!
from careening :
i like the way you write
from swordfern :
Hold onto this open, loving version of yourself. I have seen her within you through all of your ups and downs, and I'm so glad that you're finding space for her to tentatively be out in the world.
from lust- :
It sounds as if you're learning a lot and opening up to possibilities, which is so amazing! I hope you're able to take all these feelings and realizations forward with you.
from orangepeeler :
27.07.21: oh goodness he sounds so lovely! :)
from the-grey-one :
definitely, <3
from the-grey-one :
i totally relate to the random tailspins where you seem to suddenly be bothered by all the things you’ve actually made quite a bit of progress on but for some reason it’s just got ya for a while before it dissipates. thank you for being honest about it, it’s nice to know i’m not alone with such things!
from swordfern :
Ugh, I'm sorry about the endless terrible conversations with terrible people. FWIW, only a moron would discount you based on the volume of air that you displace, and in that case they're likely non-dateable anyhow. You are awesome, and I don't know why there aren't at least a few awesome guys in your area?!?!?!
from orangepeeler :
Thank you! A week since my last cigarette. Woohoo! xx
from lust- :
Your note was helpful in the sense that I know I'm not alone! I suppose as humans, our curiosity gets the better of us at times. That's just how it is! I need to check out that Bo Burnham special. I keep seeing folks posting about it!
from valasaurus :
29.5.21 - ew, fuck that guy. get out of that shit immediately and do not even look back or think twice on him. you've wasted enough space in your head on him already. i'm sorry for your loss. it sucks when you realize that not everyone (even friends & family) thinks the same as you or is equally as considerate as you are. i still expect people to be like me even after all these years of being let down. i am relentlessly hopeful and you know what i think that's a good thing though, don't let it get you down..just continue being your awesome self and take solace in the fact that you have a good heart. bringing food is actually super underrated. i'm sure they appreciate what you did more than you know.
from aryssa90 :
It does help thank you! I’d love to meet up when I’m out there! Do you have insta?
from swordfern :
That party sounds awful. His lack of consideration for you is abhorrent. You deserve someone who can mirror your kindness and empathy. What a jerk.
from orangepeeler :
29.05.21 - If I could, I'd throw Joe into the sea. You deserve love and kindness and open affection.
from lust- :
It sounds as if you are asking for the bare minimum to me, which is basic respect. I am proud of you for cutting it off with Joe. You can and will do better. You are kind and smart and have a lot to offer in this world.
from whystinger :
The Praxis! My ex had to take that to teach and I may have to take it if I decide to get back into teaching.
from swordfern :
The lack of drama can be unnerving and uncomfortable. Let me just say that kindness and empathy can be real turn-ons in the long run... (BTW, I'd love to connect with you on IG. I'm my same handle as here, should be easy to find, if you want to add me.)
from lust- :
I like that you seem to be going with the flow with Joe. Sounds as if that's a healthy mindset. Have fun on the next date!
from lust- :
Thank you. It's exhausting, but it means a lot to me that I have support from this community 'cause I definitely second guess myself. I hope you allow yourself to be vulnerable and comfortable with Joe. Sounds as if it could be a really good experience. He sounds genuine.
from raven72d :
Love your 28 April 21 entry. And I like the idea of the bunny making a friend with a wild bunny.
from raven72d :
Just discovered you. Fine, thoughtful writing.
from swordfern :
I was just thinking about you. How are you doing? I wonder about connecting with each over another platform?
from swordfern :
Some of your most powerful entries are your short ones, like this. A wash of feelings.
from whystinger :
Superstore as in the TV series?
from whystinger :
60 Miles in a month is pretty dam good
from happyone :
03/26/21: Hello there! My job is in the psychology realm and just reading what you go through makes me wonder if you may have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The constant, intrusive thoughts and fears of dying sound consistent with obsessions. Those obsessions then compel you to exercise a lot. Just an observation from a random on the internet!
from christ666 :
Just a random d-lander, so I apologize for giving advice that you didn't ask for. Dating can absolutely be hot garbage, but in my experience, I found out a lot about myself after some of the train wrecks I had been on. Keep your head up, homie.
from lust- :
Have you thought about seeking therapy? Could be helpful to talk to a professional about your anxiety/fear of death. If you go to psychologytoday.com and click on the Find A Therapist link, you can enter your area and find a therapist that way. There are tons that offer sliding scale, especially during the pandini. Thought I'd throw it out there, in case it's something you were already considering, but not sure how to go about it. Sending compassion.xo
from whystinger :
I agree, that type of intimacy is very good and special.
from swordfern :
Sometimes saying nothing is actually saying everything. Belated happy birthday. You are beautiful.
from lust- :
Thank you!đź’› Glad you had a nice birthday and made that cheesecake!
from orangepeeler :
Happy birthday! Wishing you a near future of unstuckness xx
from jarofporter :
I really identified with today's (Feb.12) entry regarding being stuck in the same spot, and what you wrote on dating & how that feels. just wanted you to know you're not alone in that...
from erases :
Fist up to the heart. Double pound. Head nod.
from whystinger :
You deserve better.
from swordfern :
Happy Vaccination Day!!! Hope that this is the start of a run of good things for you!
from swordfern :
Good. They don't deserve you. I know that scraps of attention can feel better than no attention; it's not easy to cut off those threads of hope.
from jarofporter :
it might sound cliche, but getting rid of things you don't want/need makes room for new things you *do* want/need to come into your life. congrats on taking that step.
from the-grey-one :
<3 thank you!
from frankie123 :
ty!
from papotheclown :
That's such a shitty experience and a shitty feeling. I am so sorry you went through that.
from the-grey-one :
<3 eff that guy. what a douche.
from frankie123 :
i feel you
from lust- :
You have a big heart and are so deserving of the same care, attention and affection that you willingly give to others. I'm hopeful that you will draw people near who have that same capacity, even if it does not seem that way right now. Sending you compassion (&a big ol' virtual hug) from across the border.xo
from swordfern :
I appreciate you continuing to try to show others the truth of our society. Perhaps you have encouraged a few people to reconsider their beliefs. Small wins can build over time. Thank you. The world needs your voice.
from whystinger :
Merry Christmas! 2020 has been a strange year, somewhat unsettling but I do feel that I have been lucky for several reasons. I have seen a UFO or two. The last one was 5 years ago and I am sure it was military aircraft on a night training exercise, but the disturbing thing is nobody seemed to see them but me...
from swordfern :
Merry Christmas! Thanks for offering me compassion and empathy over the last year. I often want to write more to you and hope that one day we can meet in person.
from lust- :
Ugh. That sucks that your family isn't validating your emotions and bypassing your serious health issues. I hope you know that you do have support and people who are rooting for you and wishing you the best. Also, thank you for your note. It truly means a lot. <3
from the-grey-one :
my dad once said my depression/anxiety was “getting old” like, yes thanks.
from jarofporter :
i'm sorry to see you're having such anxiety trouble. hang in there, positive vibes coming your way...
from swordfern :
I'm glad to hear that your heart is healthy. From your last entry I was worried about AFib, as it sounded similar to what my cousin & aunt deal with. Sending a virtual blanket to wrap you up in to help make you feel safe.
from swordfern :
It's a really hard time of year to be alone, and this year is especially hard, especially considering that this hasn't been the year you wished for. The anxiety/death thoughts sound horrible. I really hope this passes for you soon. I appreciate you immensely, especially your sensitivity and thoughtfulness.
from the-grey-one :
aw, it sounds like you’re in such a rough spot, i’m sorry. if it helps, i think we all want to be told were cute, especially when we’re dressed up. but i also feel ya because when someone called me pretty on tinder i was like, bleh. you’ve got so much you’re worried about. i hope this doesn’t last too long for you. just remember it washed away before, it’ll wash away again. <3
from se7enchance :
I only just found your journal, having followed the beautiful note you just left Swordfern. "Things I prefer" was especially lovely. Cheers~
from whystinger :
Anxiety pills. I am surprised they make you fuzzy, I don't know if you are working with an MD or a specialist, but they definitely helped my ex-wife. She was able to sleep better and heal. Sometimes you try one medicine for a while, but find another works better. Don't give up and continue with any self care rituals.
from papotheclown :
Why thank you so much. Whenever I think of Mamma Mia, I think of you
from whystinger :
I hope you are doing okay and that it is only anxiety, if so the running should help. Make sure you ask the doctor about it, maybe try some aspirin and definitely use your fitness tracker to monitor. I recently dug out my old Fitbit as it works better for heart rate than the cheap POS I had been using... and I missed a nice sale on Fitbit.
from moodswing :
hope you're doing okay. <3
from swordfern :
Sending a hug. Anxiety is awful. xoxo
from orangepeeler :
Whatever it is, I hope it goes away and you get well soon. x
from happyone :
Many of us have such difficult relationships with our bodies. To me, you sound very fit! I can only dream of running 3.2 miles and then going back for another 2.1! Sadly, that's a lot for me even if it's just walking. I hate that a lot of us have internalized what society thinks women "should" look like. I think it's more important to be healthy, and it sounds like you're definitely that!
from sophunique :
I struggle frequently with how my body feels, or i feel about it. I have birthed 3 large babies. I have breastfed for years. I am loved. Does that matter?? To me it does. Most days. You are ah mazing. I cannot run more than a fraction of a mile without stopping. I'm gonna follow you.
from lust- :
You sound like you're a great teacher! Also, really loved the Othello memes you shared on IG. You've got some very creative kids!
from the-grey-one :
you’re totes right about reframing. i think i meant directionless more like, letting go of the idea of direction itself tho. because direction implies movement and movement is only able to be seen because our source is still, and because our source is still, movement is fleeting and so it isnt the truest.. - i’ve definitely got a lot of options though. i dunno. i guess that’s always true. also. maybe options is an illusion in itself as well? thank you for the note and the support is what i meaaant to say like a normal person! <3
from whystinger :
From your recent entries: Congrats on the running and sorry it isn't helping. Trying to manage the pandemic is harder than I thought and most of us are struggling. From your 11/15-2020 entry - love the list especially the flirtation and conversation.
from lust- :
Thank you for the note. I think I'm going to look at it often until it sinks in. Sending love to you.xo
from swordfern :
How am I doing? I find myself filtering my response to that. I have significant privilege and feel guilty for eliciting empathy when others are in dramatically more difficult places. My moments of exhaustion and despair are real but will pass. Your latest entry that discusses how you are learning to take rest days? I relate to that. I guess I'm afraid that one rest day will lead to two and then to three... so better to not take one at all. But then I collapse in exhaustion and can't enjoy the resulting 'rest' at all. So - thanks for asking. You are a good friend, of which I have only a few. xoxo
from jarofporter :
i know that state of resignation quite well - i'm sorry you're going through it. it will lessen eventually, and you'll see hope again. how much, is anyone's guess... hang in there.
from the-grey-one :
commiseration is my favourite miseration!
from swordfern :
It's exhausting to be around people and never felt seen or listened to. For me, it seems that everyone assumes that they can dump their lives on me - their kids, their house repairs, their health crisis - and that I can just carry it all for them because I don't have kids, a house, or health problems. I wish that you had better listeners in your life and someone to ask you honestly and openly, "How are you doing?"
from whystinger :
What dating app did you use? Just curious as I want to get back into dating
from the-grey-one :
i think it’s a rule of the universe that when you tell someone you feel ignored they’re gonna ignore it. i’m telling ya. it’s like its go to move.
from lust- :
The cat's pajamas! I love that! Looking forward to seeing pics.
from jarofporter :
"i want more than anything for someone to just sit on the couch with me, watch tv, drink wine, and talk to me. that’s it." - same...
from frankie123 :
i imagine you guys are feeling it a lot more down in the states. so much unrest, so much uncertainty.
from jarofporter :
i identify with official item #3...
from the-grey-one :
ahhhh, i am sorry for your hurt heart and decision making stress right now! <3
from swordfern :
Your note came to me at a moment at which I really needed it. One of the most powerful things that I learned some time ago was this: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." You always make me feel seen, and that is to what I aspire.
from swordfern :
I started (binge)watching the miniseries of Normal People after reading about the book in your entries. I've essentially been crying for 3 hrs straight. Not sure why I'm telling you this other than to say thank you for the reference and the gateway into some deeper emotional processing that I didn't know that I required.
from swordfern :
When I read how you write about France, it makes me think that France represents a different future for you. That the physical act of moving will shift the course of your life from your current reality. Perhaps there can be change without a trans-continental move? Like, can you insert yourself into a group of strangers at home? What are the key elements of the France experience that you most long for? You are ultimately still yourself, whether at home or in France. Perhaps there is a way to have agency over yourself despite the potential cancellation of your plans.
from lust- :
<3. I have a sequined pillow that says "I fucking hate people" on it. I put it away for a while 'cause M gave it to me, but I'm definitely going to bust it out again in my new place. You're right, people are exhausting!
from lust- :
It sounds as if you're making progress/continuing to improve in a couple different areas of your life (running, French), which makes me wonder what else you've improved on without even realizing. I think you've gained a lot of self-awareness and it's been a pleasure to read about your accomplishments. Hope you're taking time to celebrate. You deserve that!xo
from erases :
hear hear.
from whystinger :
Ten to fifteen miles a week is really good. You have every right to be proud of that!
from moodswing :
Congratulations!
from frankie123 :
that's great news! happy for you!
from frankie123 :
despite all the very valid criticisms that got hurled at that show, it rly *did* feel like the voice of our generation. for privileged north american women in cities, at least. i feel like i'm gna be rewatching it every time i get nostalgic about being an 18-25 year old all thru the rest of my life
from whystinger :
Great attitude, you are not trapped. Sometimes it is difficult to take action, but you can and will when you want to and are ready. Sometimes plans have to be delayed, but you can work your plan while you wait..
from lust- :
Thank you! I'm really looking forward to decorating!
from moodswing :
i love you as much as one stranger can another
from whystinger :
Humans are the only species that tends to beat themselves up and continually punish ourselves over and over. Work on getting rid of the self hate, you are too nice a person to have that.
from frankie123 :
i hope we both figure out how to relax soon!! i'm so deeply uncomfortable ha hah ha ha
from the-grey-one :
<3
from moodswing :
also: my brief time on tumblr got me into the body positive mode of thinking, which was a huge thing for me. but even though it should be a thing for people of all sizes, it was VERY frustrating to see someone (with a decent following) "finally accepting her thunder thighs," when she was well beneath my own weight. that was not language i used to describe myself, but there i was, having to look at myself in that way, while she was praised for her breakthrough. overall, it was still good - but it was a weird place, to feel simultaneously not small enough, but also not the "right" kind of fat to be praised for that either. so, i can definitely relate to having difficulty when people talk about their own body issues when they are smaller than i am... not because i discount their struggle, just because.. hey, what the fuck. haha. but it's also a reminder of all the years i *thought* i was "too big" when i weighed less than i do now. and honestly, when i was at my lowest adult weight, i still felt unsatisfied with where my body held weight, while feeling strange and unfamiliar with other places. summary: bodies are weird.
from moodswing :
i love that y'all are talking about "raise high the roofbeams, carpenters" because my copy of that book was purchased on the recommendation of someone who wrote here a long time ago now, and i miss her and her words very much.
from swordfern :
Ugh, yup. It's not easy being the one left out. Nobody throws a shower for the single person. It takes a lot of energy to attend these events and offer congratulations over and over without having the love and care returned. There have been times that I declined these events because it was too hard. The conflict of being happy for them and sad for yourself at the same time. *big sighs* #selfcare
from jarofporter :
thanks for the note, it's a relief to finally see some improvement! and i totally relate to "everyone i know is either getting married or having babies". it gets discouraging...
from swordfern :
hah, i too enjoyed your 13 y/o entry. you are just the best. someone will someday have the privilege to discover this.
from the-grey-one :
hah , i loved your sunday entry. hooray for wine entries! and being 13 in our diaries sometimes!
from aryssa90 :
good luck at work tomorrow! you will be amazing and you will continue to do amazing things, outside of your hometown :)
from moodswing :
"lol" as a response to a friend's suicide (or anyone's) is the most callous thing I can think of
from swordfern :
Feeling unseen and unheard is exhausting. (Most people don't know what to say to someone who has lost a friend. But having it be ignored or glossed over by someone who is supposed to be a close friend is isolating and invalidating. Their response is a good indication of whether you can rely on that particular person to meet your needs in the future.)
from orangepeeler :
yes - at the end of the world, there are books.
from frankie123 :
yesyesyesyesyes!!!!!! bro i think we're like, literature-soulmates. the order for me is 1. franny & zooey, 2. raise high & seymour, then 3. nine stories (though i suspect 1 and 2 wd be reversed if the nostalgia factor was ignored). i think salinger wd be considered a romance writer in a better world (he doesn't rly necessarily write love stories, but reading him gives me this feeling like he really truly honestly thoughtfully profoundly wholeheartedly LOVES the characters he writes. everyone in his stories always seems *almost* believably human, except for how pure and sincere and exceptionally wonderful they are, and except for how poetically/distinctly they approach the world. reminds me of how i think about people 1 or 2 months into a serious relationship (or of what familial love ought to be?). eeee i love him so much. & the WISDOM you find in the subtext (or, in the case of f&z, just directly in the text). every time i wanna give up in the middle of a workout, lately, i think of the fat lady from f&z. & this note could keep going for tens of thousands of words longer, but xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
from julymalaise :
I'll let you know when I watch it!
from frankie123 :
i was so excited to remember how much i love salinger that i actually went and got "raise high the roofbeam, carpenters" tatted on my arm last week in sappho's orig ancient greek -- partly because i love sappho, too, but just as equally as an homage for salinger. isn't his perspective on the human condition just stunning? i think i had it in my head that his stories wouldn't hold up for me now that i'm fully beyond puberty (yknow that reputation he's got cuz of catcher in the rye) -- but holy fuck do they ever.
from lust- :
20 minutes of yoga a day is a huge accomplishment! I'm sure you'll be able to reach your asana goals. That's an impressive list. Do you have a favourite posture? I've always been really into Vriksasana (tree pose). It makes me feel balanced and grounded. Thank you for your compliment about how I write about myself. That means a lot, especially considering where I was mentally at this time last year. I take steps every day to speak kindly to myself and reframe my thoughts, although I do falter at times. It is really nice to know that others see an improvement. I think we can all benefit from treating ourselves as we treat our good friends. That's what has helped me a lot. I think, "what would I say to so-and-so if they confided in me about this?" or "how would so-and-so feel if they knew I felt/spoke this way about/to myself?" I've been trying to like myself more and in order to do that I know I need to befriend myself. Give yourself a hug, a high five, a pat on the back, or all of the above, Tia! You're doing a great job!xo
from frankie123 :
i hope this isn't a strange thing to say, but i love how assertive and self-aware and in-control you seem in your july 15 entry. idk just feeling this strong sense like you're doing everything right, & you're gonna get everything you're hoping for. i love it
from swordfern :
I saw that post and thought of how you described complex feelings in response to a weight-loss compliment. Being on the near side of a noticeable weight loss a murky place to be.
from swordfern :
https://www.instagram.com/p/CClIMJIpXlA/?igshid=18x2labnlnp6k
from lust- :
I'd love to hear more about your yoga practice, if you are willing to share! What poses are you hoping to work on? I hope you are able to continue sending love and compassion to yourself and your body when negative thoughts arise. You have been doing so well with keeping up with a routine and you deserve some rest.xo
from julymalaise :
I just got Hulu and I am contemplating on watching "Normal People" because I read the book. The book was amazing. It was pretty heartbreaking and it did hit close to home. I think I cried at the end. Such a wonderful book.
from whystinger :
Nieces and nephews are a blessing.
from julymalaise :
Your nieces and nephew sound so cute. That's good that you are spending time with them.
from frankie123 :
i'm ripping threw them so furiously and they keep bringing back all this angst i'd thought i'd dropped, holy shit -- hit me up to rant and rave afterward!
from julymalaise :
Sure just send me your email on my notes (I'll delete it afterwards if you want me to) and I'll give you a password. Or I could do an alternative, which is give you a password and username on comments, and you just delete the note :)
from julymalaise :
Hey, your diary is interesting mind if I add you ?
from jarofporter :
yes, quite true. and regarding the 'dating app' issue, if you'd like to talk to someone without worrying about dating issues, you're welcome to write, my email is on my journal page. just an offer, feel free to ignore it! :-)
from jarofporter :
heh, no, not b-day, but thanks! ;-) . 2nd 'minus' entry in the following journal page: https://jarofporter.diaryland.com/180519_81.html
from swordfern :
I was thinking about your recent entries about friendships and connections in that moment of gratitude with Chris. For me, all of the adventures would fall flat without someone alongside to share the story. How much of France was about the setting (landscape, food, architecture), and how much of the experience was about the people? So many of your France entries were about those moments of connection, albeit set in the romantic south of France.
from jarofporter :
6/9/20 entry - man, i identify with this (in generalized terms). and this part specifically, "i will always be the person that everyone gets to tell their cute stories to, that i will never actually have any real cute stories to call my own." ugh, exactly. sorry you're feeling this way, but i can relate.
from whosaysthat :
you're a beautiful and powerful soul. don't forget that.
from whystinger :
Don't be upset at Pawpaw. Older family members generally worry that some of us will be alone or lonely and want us to "find someone." I used to hate that too. In fact, one Aunt always used to ask at family get togethers "where is your girlfriend. Cousin Mike said "I'm gay Auntie and Mom wouldn't let me bring my boyfriend." He wasn't gay but thought that would stop her. It didn't. I took a different tact. She asked me the same question in my early twenties and I looked at her very seriously and said "her husband would not let her come with me today." Auntie never asked me that question again.
from swordfern :
"i should stop taking this all so seriously" I laughed out loud at this, at myself, at how much it resonates. I'm not sure that sensitive, contemplative people have the capacity to NOT take things seriously. When we feel deeply, everything is serious.
from whystinger :
By the way, what do you attribute your weight loss to in France? Were you more active? Is it the way the French eat, their diet or portions? Congratulations on your weight loss
from the-grey-one :
i know right? it suuuuucks. it sucks so much.
from whystinger :
Welcome back, you have had an awesome journey and experience. I took French in Jr. High school, tried a second semester of it and dropped. I wish I hadn't. Your thoughts on opinions and social media posts being shared are spot on. A friend only shares posts and never writes his own. Nobody will change his mind and he won't change anyone's mind, only piss them off. I almost wish we knew each other so I could say "let's meet up for coffee, tell me all about your France trip!" Good thing I was able to read about most of it here.
from moodswing :
welcome back? or something like it?
from swordfern :
"Losing weight does not fix negative body image." I relate to this. (Glad to hear that you made it home safely; looking forward to hearing about your dancing lesson.)
from frankie123 :
i'm happy you're home same! but very disappointed that you missed an opportunity to write "planes, trains, and automobiles"
from orangepeeler :
28.05.20: well done : )
from whystinger :
Great work on the 10K. I am not really sure of your relationship with "him" but guys can deal with grief and sadness in different ways. Sometimes we avoid the person, sometimes we are scared of our feelings as we are taught our whole lives to not cry and to tough it out. I don't know enough about your relationship, so I shouldn't really comment, but he'd to let you know a few thoughts.
from jarofporter :
right on, nice work!
from dangerspouse :
Congratulations on the 10k! You should be justifiably proud :)
from lust- :
You're amazing! Glad you were able to see different parts of town before your departure. It was always remain in your heart.
from swordfern :
"life is about connection. it's really all we have." The simple truth of this is profound. Beautiful.
from frankie123 :
!!!!!!!
from jarofporter :
congrats on the run, that's a great time!
from erases :
<3
from jarofporter :
i identify with everything you wrote on 5/18. wish i had some words of support/encouragement to offer...
from lust- :
Thank you for the note and providing validation that I do deserve nice things! When I used to be in downer/depressed states very often, many people (therapists included) told me to not be so hard on myself. I used to say, "who else is gonna be hard on me then?" Meaning, how the Hell am I gonna get shit done? I learned to reframe it. I need to be gentle with myself. I'm passing that on to you now. Be gentle with yourself, Tia. Go through the waves of emotion that this quarantine brings and know that you will come out of this. I see that you are learning more about yourself every day and I have faith that you will put things in practice after your body and mind have taken the breaks they need. Sending compassion.xo
from frankie123 :
i'm having a really bad day as well. thanks for that wise up advice; it was weirdly very comforting to read. i'm sorry shit sucks so goddamn fucking much
from swordfern :
You inspired me to start running again, despite not feeling as though I look like a 'real runner'. I'd forgotten how much I love to jog in the cool morning air and be out with the older folks while the city is still quiet. xoxo
from orangepeeler :
"we’re full of worth either way": this is something I have to remind myself every day. We're okay... and we have all these questions and things that don't sit right, and that's okay too.
from jarofporter :
a sort of 'body dysmorphia', in a way? i deal with the same. it's frustrating...
from lust- :
Thank you for your note and the encouragement that it gave me! Having to live at home again for the past six months, being the age that I am, has definitely been an interesting experience. When I moved back from Vancouver several years ago, I told myself that I wouldn't ever live with my parents again, so having not lived up to that is very disappointing for me. I know I need to be gentle with myself though. Just as you wrote about for yourself in the latest entry. I think being home again, once you're able to do so safely, will bring such joy to your life and you will be able to savour and experience every moment even more fully. Keep your chin up! Sending tons of good vibes your way.xo
from lust- :
That sounds like such a lovely night with your friend! I'm glad you were both able to share that.đź’›
from jarofporter :
so many times, i've felt the same way about that last part about feeling resigned. wish you weren't going through it, but i empathise.
from swordfern :
Your writing and sharing of your journey in France - the highs and the lows - has been a gift. If I were writing a novel, I'd cast you as my heroine.
from swordfern :
I walked away from all of my relationships - platonic or romantic - that played out this way. It didn't leave me with many, but I started to seek out those people who actually took an interest in my life and made me feel seen. I am genuinely interested in other people and have a lot of those types in my life, but my inner circle needs to be interested in me too. I don't see it as keeping score so much as knowing my needs and ensuring that they are being met. It doesn't need to be 50/50 - the reciprocity changes over time based on what everyone is going through - but there needs to be give and take. And congrats on your 5k running time! It's nice to hear you have a 'win' in the midst of this all. xoxo
from jarofporter :
great job on the run!
from orangepeeler :
27/4: yay!
from lust- :
Sometimes it's easier for others to recognize & acknowledge our good qualities before we see those qualities in ourselves, moreso when we're in a downer headspace. Doing yoga regularly is a huge accomplishment! I'm glad you're noticing the positive benefits. Have you thought of testing yourself? When you think of getting Tinder again, maybe you could pause and reflect on what else you could do to feel valid? I loved when you took a day to dress up and take selfies! So fun! Anyway, I hope you're not rolling your eyes at my attempt to give advice. Haha. Take care đź’›
from jarofporter :
"at my core, i want to share things. what is joy if i'm experiencing it alone?" - i've been saying this for years. wish i had something helpful to offer up...
from lust- :
Lately, whenever I find myself feeling emotions that don't feel great, I think of what the opposite emotion is and the things I could do to feel that way or things that I have done in the past that I have done that made me feel the opposite of the 'bad' emotion. The antonym for shame is pride. What are some things that you've done that make you proud? When I think of things that I would imagine you would be proud of, I think about how brave you are to have moved to a different country with Emma and to take that leap on your personal journey. I think about you getting out of bed, making breakfast, and walking Emma even though you didn't want to. I think about how vulnerable and open you are when you meet new people. I'm glad you took the time to really feel your emotions while doing yoga and allowed them to move through you and I hope you feel a sense of connection through this community that makes you feel less alone at times. Your courage and vulnerability are admirable.xo
from frankie123 :
& as someone who has read years' worth of your entries, too: i dunno, i read so much confidence and ambition and earnestness in your entries. i think it's important to continuously engage in the struggle to examine one's life, and it'd be crazy to not find at least a few things you'd like to improve. but you *have been* growing, & i can't think why you wouldn't continue to.
from frankie123 :
thank you <3 none of us are currently where we expected to be. i keep having to remind myself that all these messy emotions are valid & worthy of being expressed
from swordfern :
I bought myself yellow tulips yesterday as an act of self compassion. Thank you for the empathy and encouragement. Through struggle there is growth, and bearing the friction is most of the challenge.
from swordfern :
I know it probably seems trite, but if you look at the larger picture these moments, these seemingly catastrophic missteps, are blips. You are compassionate and loving and honest. Yes, we make mistakes. But in our messiness there is beauty; I am rarely interested in the facade of perfection. When going through hardship and change, we can expect to falter, to err, to fall into old habits that at one time (and perhaps still) brought an illusion of comfort. I have faltered but have not had the courage to share those moments because they evoke my deep shame. Sending love.
from aryssa90 :
hey! I locked it briefly but I unlocked it now. I'm sorry you've been feeling so down but I'm also glad the universe is guiding you <3
from jarofporter :
i'm sorry you're feeling this way, i'm pretty much at that point too.
from jimbostaxi :
Bonjour, commo talle vu? A million years ago I had french lol
from the-grey-one :
that is very much fair enough! i suppose it wouldn’t help much knowing either way especially with the travel uncertainty. much love to you!
from the-grey-one :
i may have missed an entry where you already went over this but i keep wondering why you don’t ask him if he’s into you?
from whinyemosara :
wow... i connect with your words and your likes intensely. keep writing x
from frankie123 :
i keep having intense dreams where i'm living out best case scenarios, too. and then i wake up in the ugliest moods. i think you are right though; we all will get through this.
from aryssa90 :
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time, I’ve been thinking of you <3
from jimbostaxi :
Yikes, that is a long time time to be confined.
from jimbostaxi :
How many days have you been inside?
from swordfern :
đź’ś
from lust- :
Such a bummer that you're heading home earlier than expected, but I hope you look back and see it was the right decision at the time. Goodbyes are never easy. Really feeling for you.xo
from jarofporter :
hearts may always hurt with uncertainty. you can only expect to enjoy things for what they are, be grateful if they develop further, and/or be thankful for what they were before they faded.
from swordfern :
Humans are not built to be alone. Period. Your discomfort is a primal survival response. I wish I could drop by for a cup of tea and a chat.
from dangerspouse :
Hang in there babe, this won't be forever. I sure do understand the desire to have someone along for the ride with you, to smooth out some of the bumps. Don't despair. There is still goodness and light in the world, and you'll be back to enjoying it once this mess blows over. And then you'll have a good story to bore the grandkids with someday :)
from aryssa90 :
I can only imagine how things are feeling for you right now. Things aren’t that bad in La yet but I think it’s only a matter of time really. Would you be interested in some sort of like, online book club with dland folx? Or something like that, or a yoga/meditation challenge or just something that keeps us connected to other people. Totally no pressure, just a random idea I had as I was catching up on entries.
from lust- :
Oh, I adore your latest entry! Your joy is seeping into the world & it matters!xo
from frankie123 :
your ex 🤮
from jimbostaxi :
Can't wait to read about your adventures when you try it :)
from jimbostaxi :
I used to play this game with myself that I would perform one random act of kindness per day. Lots of times I would fail to meet that quota but it started becoming easier as time went on. Its sort of a rush I get when I see someone's face and they say ”why?” to whatever it is I did. I always felt these little things helped me become a better person.
from jimbostaxi :
It's ok to leave notes, right? :)
from jimbostaxi :
Some of the most introspective moments in my life have involved alcohol :)
from frankie123 :
happy belated xoxo
from zoela :
thank you. :)
from jarofporter :
saw your comment regarding tarot & thought you might be interested in a website i use on occasion, that i really enjoy... facade.com. there are several options, including tarot readings. :-)
from swordfern :
happy birthday đź’—
from lust- :
Happiest of birthdays! It's so very nice that your family is sending you gifts. I hope you enjoy the day! Your list of things you want to do sounds amazing. You are friendly, kind-hearted, dedicated, and have so much love and care to give. Very glad that you are alive and that I am able to read your words. Hope the day is/was magnificent!xo
from jimbostaxi :
Hey, its early but HAPPY BDAY!!! :)
from frankie123 :
even as i'm histrionically losing my mind, for the most part, i think i know it can't really be *that* bad. i've made an appointment with a new counsellor & i think that will help. thank you for always being such an angel
from swordfern :
Oh wow. Those men clearly don't deserve you. "It" may not matter, but it still affects your emotions, and that's hard. You are growing more than you realize, and all of these experiences are shaping you into an even more beautiful woman.
from lust- :
Thank you!<333
from swordfern :
Friendship, without the anxiety of 'do you want me?' Is a fertile breeding ground for deep love.
from lust- :
YWA is so precious to me. Also, I love Benji! Honestly, I missed a couple days when I took a day trip into Toronto and am finding it tough to get back into it and catch up, but I am doing what I can. I find freedom in allowing myself to be gentle with my body and what it needs. As an aside, do you have Instagram? I would love to see photos of your journey.
from aryssa90 :
You're an amazing person and seriously so incredibly brave! Look at where you are and what you're doing! That is truly amazing. You're so smart and I know things can feel pretty overwhelming right now but I also know that you got this <3 Also, fuck that bartender.
from lust- :
I know you're feeling/felt like absolute shit when you posted your latest entry, and I know deep down that even though you feel as if nothing will ever be good enough, that things will change and in reality, things are really good for you right now. I mean, look where you are, look how far you've come! You accomplished a goal you set out for yourself and you're rolling with things. Your French is improving, even though some asshole folks keep pointing out certain mistakes, at least you'll grow from that; you're experiencing a new culture in a foreign land and that itself is such a huge feat. Everything you are going through takes so much courage. You're a brave and beautiful soul. You want love and affection which is such a human thing to want and desire and honestly, it's so beautiful and brave that you continuously put yourself out there and are so open and genuine. I admire your strength, your sense of adventure and your willingness to become a better person. You're doing this! I'm really fucking proud of you. Keep your chin up, Tia. Keep striving, keep thriving and keep living life.xo
from swordfern :
I enjoy reading all of your entries. Life is a not always exciting/happy/full; documenting your time in France honestly and openly is admirable.
from aryssa90 :
Dating is absolutely horrible. You're an amazing, intelligent person. I'm here if you ever need to talk <3
from lust- :
There's a moon eclipse coming up. Release everything then. I believe in you!
from tinea :
thank you <3
from whystinger :
Wow! What a party and I am jealous, but happy for you!
from lust- :
It all sounds like a god damned movie and it was so wonderful to read and I am so glad that it went down the way it did for you. Happy New Year.xo
from moodswing :
The passage of time boggles the mind. 2020? Seems unreal. This is the future. Where are we, indeed. I hope this year, this decade, the future brings good things for us all. Currently I am optimistic. Maybe not easy, but good.
from warpednormal :
Just thought I’d leave a quick note and say that your adventures in France sound so exciting!! (And scary and wonderful and challenging). So impressive if you to make that big leap.
from frankie123 :
ps pls don't ignore any weird pains if you're picking running back up after a break!
from frankie123 :
i wish we lived close to each other -- i think we'd have a great time ranting about the books we've been reading over beers
from whystinger :
So you are getting immersion therapy in French language...
from portlypete :
Heineken at a 'real french' party? Honte Ă  vous! Try Le Paradis RĂ©volution au Paradis. Fancy a french (?) woman speaking English! Your kind of yoga sounds great - I could nod off to that. p.s. I AM kinda bored TBH ( you'd have to be to read all these posts) but don't hold that against me: I am quite selective about who I send (weird) notes to. p.p.s: I admit it - I did google-translate the first line. My french is cr*p, although I wish it was otherwise.
from moodswing :
These entries have been important to me because I have a huge opportunity to speak Spanish with people while I am at work. At first I was trying, but I started feeling awkward, so I backed off. Then I felt more awkward, and now I'm stuck in a headspace that mostly understands but doesn't try not to respond in English. So, like... do your best, but thank you for writing about it.
from lust- :
I used to teach English in Indonesia and Poland and it was tough at times to get students to really immerse themselves and speak the language, just as it was hard for us, the foreigners to speak the native language of the country we were in. Glad to hear that you are trying and reading books and watching videos to help you further develop your French language skills. It's one of the languages I wish I had paid more attention to in school because it's so useful, especially in Canada. I know that your confidence will keep growing and soon you won't need any liquid courage to aid you when you have conversations in French. In the meantime, I am here cheering you on. Rah rah!xo
from swordfern :
There is no way that one needs to 'look' to be in a loving relationship. I know that you are beautiful, despite having no idea how you present physically. Dating is about trying to determine if the person that you are meeting is someone who you enjoy spending time with and is capable of meeting your needs. Whether or not they like you is outside of your control. I love reading about you dancing and eating olives and drinking wine in France. Your life is beautiful. Your emotional vulnerability is beautiful. xoxo
from the-grey-one :
i too still struggle with the feeling of not deserving it because i don’t look the part, however i don’t believe that to be true of anyone else so obviously it’s gotta be just a bunch of incredibly effective hogwash brainwashing. wretchedly effective. you’re not alone it, we’re all dealing with unhelpful preconditioned beliefs that we’d rather let go of but it’s much easier said than done. no need for shame. (this speech is probably more for me than for you - been feeling this undeserving bit a lot lately - thanks for posting it)
from lust- :
What do you mean by not looking the part? You've wanted a relationship for a while, but I believe by dating around you've only become more clear of what it is you truly want and need in order to be happy with another human. Right now, it seems as if you are focusing on yourself and accomplishing goals, which is amazing! I feel that you'll attract the right person for you when the time is right. In the meantime, do you and keep being your genuine self. You're loyal, determined, hardworking, friendly and kind. Everything is as it is meant to be at the moment. Keep your chin up, romantic love will find its way to you.
from aryssa90 :
They were so amazing. Things seem amazing for you right now! Super happy for you!
from lust- :
Life sounds lovely for you. I am glad you are experiencing such joy & fulfillment. Here's to deepening those connections. Thank you for your kind words.xo
from swordfern :
Your entries make me feel so happy. It's great to hear how much living you are doing lately.
from frankie123 :
i love that you're updating more! the every day goal is hard to maintain, but it's worth it. & i miss theory and crit seminars SO BADLY, too :(
from frankie123 :
i'm not sure what swordfern's latest note is irt exactly, but basically the only standard that determined whether or not i swiped right, back when i was on tinder, was whether i thought me + [person in question] would look good walking together down the street. but tinder is a garbage app full of people with muddy intentions. also i get the feeling i'm vainer than you. anyway it's healthy and good to feel sick of dating apps, i think.
from frankie123 :
thank you! it's the capricorn in me, for real: always assessing & reassessing & striving to neatly, methodically become better ... i fear i'm little-by-little losing all my chill, lol
from swordfern :
One of the questions that I ask myself when considering relationships (both with lovers and with friends) is: "How do I feel when I am around this person?" Do I feel anxious or on edge? Or do I feel confident and accepted? I am loving hearing about your experience in France: the language, the lovers, and the landscapes. xoxo
from swordfern :
I hear a lot of contentment in your writing voice. It sounds like you are where you are meant to be right now. A small apartment, walks through town, conversations, and bakery visits. All so lovely. ❤️
from orangepeeler :
Good luck!
from lust- :
Looking forward to reading about your adventures. Glad you have Emma there with you.
from swordfern :
safe travels. i'm looking forward to reading about you in france.
from frankie123 :
so excited for you!
from frankie123 :
well, shit, what a kind thing to say. i don't know if you're right tbh, but thank you.
from swordfern :
LOL. Thank you. He used to have me so manipulated that I believed crap like this. UGH.
from aryssa90 :
So awesome! I feel like with our similar musical tastes we would be great concert buddies. Also, fuck guys! :)
from moodswing :
yeah, man. fuck those dudes. related, i once had a guy in my phone named "j?" that was a good one. or "butcher" because i knew too many mike's and i definitely did not want to call him.
from swordfern :
I love your writing lately. Softly beautiful.
from moodswing :
<3 <3 <3 thank you.. I think I am going to have to come back here even though there are terrors. I don't have anywhere else and it's killing me
from frankie123 :
wish i could solve this for us both. i have no fucking clue how i wrote you that note about power and growth just a couple weeks ago. this cycle is humbling.
from swordfern :
"you've got to let go of trying to control everyone's perception of you" This is so true. I realized this recently, and it caused a major shift for me. Now I show up as myself - take me or leave me as I am, my imperfect self, because it's too exhausting to try to be something different.
from frankie123 :
makes me smile every time
from frankie123 :
the idea of the date is ALWAYS 8000x better. last night a guy tried to mansplain to me why capitalism is bad and I told him I did an extended minor in philosophy then a few seconds later he went deep into dumbed-down detail trying to tell me what Engels was about.
from frankie123 :
does anything in life matter more than the private journey to continually improve, grow, and spread benevolence? i've been thinking about it so much lately. i think we all contain the ability to become immensely powerful. the better we develop our selves the more deeply we can influence the world
from frankie123 :
i always wonder that too
from frankie123 :
exCUSE me??? that is the prime sort of content i'm here for!
from aryssa90 :
Thank you so much! Once the root canal is done on Monday I hope it's a long time before I complain about teeth pain. I hope you're doing well, you deserve happiness <3
from papotheclown :
I really feel that last entry. I hope everything you want comes your way soon.
from lust- :
I hope the clouds lift soon. From reading your words for as long as I have, I can tell you are a remarkable soul full of depth, honesty, and love. I know you practice gratitude, but it is hard to come by sometimes and that is OK. You are doing what you can with where you are and what you have available. This is all a stepping stone to where you are meant to be and I am sure you will discover it some day. I, too, tend to hold things back from the people in my life who I want to share things with. It takes time, but at least you are aware of it. Hopefully you can find the space to be vulnerable and open when you are ready. Sending love & light.xo
from swordfern :
Thank you for the note. And I hope that you feel better soon. đź’›
from jimbostaxi :
Jeopardy is awesome! And even more awesome when your winning against people at home!!! Have a great day and keep on winning! :)
from swordfern :
Thank you. And your descriptions of Tinder are.. ugh. What a douche.
from lust- :
Ugh. What the fuck is wrong with people?! I had to deal with similar things when I was on the dating scene. A complete and utter lack of respect from a stranger that kind of leaves you reeling. I know it's tough to deal with the aftermath. I hope you're able to attract kind souls your way, instead of douches.
from frankie123 :
lmao i was gonna leave you basically the exact comment that the-grey-one did
from the-grey-one :
eewww. gross. gross tinder.
from the-grey-one :
i feel ya in the struggle, real glad you stopped using the app, even more glad you smiled at yourself.
from swordfern :
I'm glad that you didn't erase this. It sounded like a nice moment that had meaning, and that it was valuable no matter what happens in the future.
from lust- :
Thank you for your kind words. I've been really sad lately and it's easier to be down on myself and negative than it is to be positive. I appreciate you taking the time to send me a nice note. Happy belated Birthday. I hope you had a pleasant day.
from frankie123 :
happy birthday tia! i don't want to tell you how lovely u are because that wd seem a little hackneyed in-context -- but you are wonderful, phenomenal, brilliant, divine
from swordfern :
Thank you for your reassuring note. You have helped me feel less alone.
from frankie123 :
today i went to the gym and somebody else was sitting on my preferred exercise bike so i just turned and left and went home
from moodswing :
Happy birthday :)
from tinea :
thank you! joyous indeed - i feel like i just emerged from a cave! haha <3
from lust- :
Oh! I do hope I get to read about your time taking salsa lessons. And, here's to that feeling of lightness-may you continue to move through the world with ease.
from frankie123 :
sorry that was quite long
from frankie123 :
that's true. there is always so much beauty in the world to appreciate, and all you have to do is let yourself be open to receiving it. i think i'm just confused about what "the normal human experience" is. i feel like everyone i encounter is either living their lives pathetically or else amazingly (in which case i usually suspect (or hope) they're living duplicitiously) & i mostly i just worry about how hard i'm trying, and how little value i'm yielding, and how much more i feel i need. & i worry about how arrogant my struggle is. how much real powerful privilege i have and how i'm wasting all my energy tending to my fragile ego, when there's so much i think i could do for the world. but if i don't tend to myself i collapse. i don't know. i think i need to lower my expectations all-around, somehow
from the-grey-one :
hey , yes of course, only fair! email is lazi_@(at)hotmail.com
from the-grey-one :
i'm turning 31 soon and it's like, anytime i let myself think about it , i remember that having your first baby at 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy and then i get all frozen for a moment and i'm like, i'm probably infertile anyways or otherwise not meant to have children and also all the panic thoughts of like, wanting one.. and yeah.. it sucks being a woman sometimes with our definite bodily countdown. i wish i was still 28 .. or that i could pause my body until i got my life in order or something.. anyways. hello, i read you all the time. : )
from frankie123 :
thanks tia <3
from frankie123 :
kindred soul!
from orangepeeler :
Good luck on the Fulbright thing.
from frankie123 :
2019 is the year we all collectively realise our best selves ^xx
from aryssa90 :
Yessss! So excited to see if you end up in France! Also, sometimes the best thing is flirting :)
from aryssa90 :
Any news from Fernando? You’re a great person. It sounds like you’re hurting, I would feel the same. I don’t think you did anything “wrong” or stupid by sleeping with him but I know I’m also the kind of person who analyzes everything they did or said that could have contributed to what’s going on, maybe you are too? Either way, I really don’t think you did anything wrong and if you ever need someone to vent to or talk things over you’re always welcome to email me. Sending love your way.
from shyest :
Im packed and ready to go
from aryssa90 :
thank you for the note! it was much appreciated as always. I'm sure I'll get through it, it just sucks a bit in the meantime but I appreciate your support
from rhetoric :
i hope you are well, as well. i think we all (or at least the 'we' that are prone to self-doubt) feel unworthy when people aren't careful with us. i think we have to know when to give others slack, and also know when we don't. people who want to make time for you, will do so. those people deserve more slack, in my opinion. apologies for the unsolicited commentary.
from moodswing :
i had a dream i met you at a party
from frankie123 :
tia i bet you're cute ALL the time xx
from lust- :
Yep, that's totally M, too. It's so frustrating.
from moodswing :
fernando makes me think of that lady gaga song 'alejandro.' ...what? i'm cool.
from moodswing :
now and then..
from papotheclown :
Right back at you, friend.
from moodswing :
<3
from lust- :
I read through my own & other's old entries once in a while, as well. Interesting to see the changes.
from aryssa90 :
I just wish it didn’t hurt. I mean, I’m sure everyone does when they face something like this. I just wish there weren’t so many uncertain things about my future.
from lust- :
Thank thank thank you!
from orangepeeler :
Thank you for the sweet note.
from tinea :
thank you. especially for reading that. it has weighed heavily on me for so long, so it's kind of comforting to know that another soul acknowledges how awful it was. <3
from whystinger :
I have gained some weight and I am not happy about it. Nobody has beefed about it but me, but I need to change it a bit. I have been struggling with it for a while and getting it back in line is part of my healing.
from whystinger :
The weight thing is probably due to society and always pressure to be the beautiful people (I'm not explaining this well). Pressure from ads and commercials. Personally, I am attracted to all sorts of ladies and weight doesn't seem to factor in. As a male, I sometimes wonder if my weight factors into my social and dating life. Probably normal feeling for today.
from aryssa90 :
Okay let me start off with: what Matt said (and I’m not sure of the context in which it’s said) was kind of a really dickish thing to say. Now, speaking as someone who has always struggled with their weight, I totally get it. I have the same thoughts about myself. I would be happier if I was skinnier or I wouldn’t have as much anxiety or have a hard time dating or feel insecure about other people etc. it’s a hard thought process to break. Just know that you’re amazing and deserve all the good things. Sorry, I feel like I’m taking over your note wall!
from aryssa90 :
I’m sure you’ll do amazing at the wedding, you have great taste in music. RE: men and kids-I think you’re an amazing person. You’re smart and funny. You’re kind. You love your family. You will find someone. As far as being attracted to losers, I think there are a variety of reasons. Firstly, you mentioned you live in like a smaller, possibly more rural area? That completely changes who you have access to even in like an hours distance. The people I’ve found now that I’m in LA are completely different than any of the people I met in Illinois. Also, I find that when I feel better about myself, I tend to attract better guys. I also feel like culturally, some people just aren’t super compatible with a lot of American men. One of my best friends has dated off and on and then has had like, justba string of losers the last few years. She went on vacation to Amsterdam, met a guy and they’ve been going out since May: they’ve taken turns coming visiting each other. Maybe you’ll meet some hot French guy who treats you amazingly! I wish I could be as dedicated as you are in regards to yoga. I really need to get back into that.
from frankie123 :
i have an android :(
from frankie123 :
that final scene left me so worried we won't see her again
from lust- :
Sounds as if you're making very positive choices! I'm over here, cheering you on.
from frankie123 :
your entries echo the way i think/feel so often
from frankie123 :
yeah i just kinda changed it on a whim, lol. email frankiespelunk@gmail and i'll hook you right up
from tinea :
thank you, darling! i really appreciate it. and i really am proud of me. i feel like if i could make it out of this, then i can do anything ... it's just hard to shake that feeling of "ick" sometimes, you know? i think we humans underestimate the marks we leave on each other, for better or for worse.
from aryssa90 :
Thank you! And thank you for the advice and listening to me whine! RE: men and frankie’s comment. Men suck. You’re beautiful and amazing. Fuck him.
from frankie123 :
men ain't shit never trust a single one
from aryssa90 :
What. The. Fuck.
from aryssa90 :
Hey! I was wondering if you felt comfortable talking over email or something sometime? I had a few questions re: relationships that I kind of wanted your opinion on.
from frankie123 :
yes yes yes yes yes
from aryssa90 :
Hey! I just wanted to check in with you and make sure you’re doing okay after the Saturday thing. Hope you’re well and good luck with school tomorrow! You’ll do great!
from aryssa90 :
You deserve to feel great about yourself! You’re amazing!
from whystinger :
And drink some red wine!
from lust- :
You're right, having a purpose is very fluid. I guess I have to move with the current. It's just really tough at times. I hope you get your tooth sorted out soon and that you find a nice place to live and that nice things happen for you 'cause you seem like a nice person and you deserve good things.
from lust- :
OMG. That DLand song!!!
from aryssa90 :
I'm so happy and confused right now. How did I never know there was a Diaryland theme song?! I feel like I've been robbed. Also, am I new to the party or is Andrew's name not really Andrew?! So many questions about our mysterious diaryland benefactor.
from frankie123 :
i'm in love with andrew 100% dream boy
from papotheclown :
Where is it that you live? Because I'll probably drive through there, or near enough to there that I can make a detour. Or if you just want to meet up in Nashville, that's cool too. My email is [email protected]. Drop me a line and we can coordinate.
from aryssa90 :
I need to find a place around here to do tarot readings. I used to get them when I was younger and I find them very calming. I hope everything works out for you!
from lust- :
Oh, I lovelovelove TBS. Saw them last summer & John Nolan played a DJ set after. I swooned all over the place when I met him. I'm sure the show was great & here's to hoping you didn't get murdered!
from aryssa90 :
Taking back Sunday!!! Andjfkdlsksxnj!!! Also, you’ve inspired me to trust tinder lol
from papotheclown :
Where is it that you live? Because I'll probably drive through there, or near enough to there that I can make a detour. Or if you just want to meet up in Nashville, that's cool too. My email is [email protected]. Drop me a line and we can coordinate.
from papotheclown :
I will be in the Nashville area sometime in the last week of July. I'd love to hang out if you are down. Also, I love the Bell Jar and that quote in particular.
from frankie123 :
i've been trying to write every day for a fair while now and 95% of what i type is so boring and trite that i can't even bear to read back on old entries -- but the work of writing it anyway is definitely doing good things for my general psyche. the work of checking in with myself and writing honestly and kindly no matter how pathetic/hopeless i feel. like, noteworthy improvements. fwiw.
from movingsands :
a property brother? Jealous! Have plenty of fun :)
from college-kid :
Not currently looking, but when I was casually dating a year and a half or so ago, I experienced something similar. No spark, not interesting, not attractive. So hard to find someone to mesh with.
from degausser :
1) Excellent song. 2) When you're on YouTube, click share, and then click "embed" and the thing will pop up for you to copy and paste (and you can adjust the size cause it's a bit big for Diaryland). I've been littering my diary with videos lately to help me remember how I felt when I wrote things.
from lust- :
Dating in general is draining and exhausting and you're often left to wonder if it's even worth it. Good luck out there! &thanks for the tune.
from beyourself- :
U: comeonbaby P: lightmyfire
from beyourself- :
stumbled across your diary on the users online section. followed!
from frankie123 :
happy happy birthday!
from erases :
jim halpert face
from papotheclown :
I do really love the Great British Bake Off
from aryssa90 :
My voice was gone for a few days as well! Stupid sickness is everywhere! When I can't talk, I become super introspective, probably more than is necessary or healthy. I hope you do talk to someone about your anxiety and I'm proud that you've listed it as a priority. You deserve to be happy and healthy. And I think it is FANTASTIC that you're asking why your family wants you to stay so badly. I know they love you and you love them, I was in (and still am in) a similar situation with my family and I often found/find that I put their needs ahead of my own. You do you T
from aryssa90 :
I love it too! I was watching it the other day and I read your entry at the same time and I was like “I bet she likes Broad City”. There wasn’t anything in your entry that reminded me of it, I just figured you would. Anyway, I find that when I’m in a shitty place, watching it helps me zone out for a bit.
from aryssa90 :
Do you watch broad city?
from erases :
fuck yeah.
from tinea :
thank you for your note, darling. there's so much that i want to say but i can't even articulate. i know you've really been through it too. it kind of sucks, but there is some comfort in knowing that someone else knows exactly the pain you feel. i'm here for you. we can do it. <3
from aryssa90 :
I'm sorry. I'm thinking about you <3 feel free to reach out if you ever need
from valasaurus :
omfg that's terrible. i'm so sorry :(
from the-grey-one :
Breaking up with someone puts your brain in a state of withdrawal and it can take a good while for your chemicals to settle down. Don't beat yourself up for "not being strong" because everyone feels awful when in a state of withdrawal. Try to be kind to yourself, what you're feeling is totally normal even if it sucks donkey balls. :( , I am rooting for you. This will pass and you are doing just fine, f'reals.
from papotheclown :
Damn it. I didn't see your note until now (early Sunday morning). I imagine you won't have time today, but if you do email me at [email protected] and we can try to make it work. Sorry I missed you. And welcome back to Colorado.
from papotheclown :
I've been listening to that song a lot myself lately. And you will. You are going to make it through.
from papotheclown :
I think it is half the battle. At least I hope it is. And I'd say another 30% of the battle is simply not giving up. And if that is the case, then you are winning. Even if it doesn't feel like it. Just keep holding on.
from degausser :
PS Rick and Morty is the best.
from degausser :
Just wanted to say I've been following along with you and wishing you well throughout all these changes. I think when we're younger, we think relationships will be more black and white than they are. And really, they kind of are more black and white at that age. But when you're an adult and relationships involve building lives with people, it isn't so simple. There can be love and there can be wonderful things, and it still might not work or be enough. I don't have any answers because these are things I regularly think about in my own relationship - trying to figure out if the good outweighs the bad, or if the good is worth leaving because of the bad - and never come up with an answer. I think there are no right answers. Most relationships don't work out. But we stay in relationships because there are good things about them, and I think it's perfectly normal to miss those things, even if ending the relationship was the best choice for you.
from papotheclown :
I would be delighted to meet up with you. Just keep me posted as to when you will be here.
from valasaurus :
right back atcha
from papotheclown :
The mountains were lovely. Went up to Grand Lake. Might write about it a bit later. Having just read your last entry, I wish you could have been there too. Some nice open quiet space seems to be exactly what you need right now
from swallowthkey :
that whole "spark" thing makes me crazy. like is it just pheromones?! are we all just deluding ourselves into thinking that "spark" means love when really it just means our bodies want some kind of chemical fulfillment? i also recently broke up with my partner of 4 years at least partially because i didn't think i was in love with him anymore and almost immediately after met someone i had that "spark" feeling with, but that person turned out to be super super wrong for me, and mostly left me really missing my ex. what even are feelings and how the heck are we supposed to sort them out?
from movingsands :
:( rooting for it all to get better
from papotheclown :
No need to apologize. I don't check my notes all that often myself. Definitely let me know if you come back in September. It's always cool to meet other Diarylanders.
from aryssa90 :
I've been off and on eland the last few months ish. I just caught up on your last few entries. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I definitely know what that feels like. So often I've felt like your entries could have been my own. I don't know your whole story, only what you've written but I do believe you will find love and peace and happiness. You're amazing <3
from papotheclown :
Just caught up on your last several entries. So sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing. I once had to live with my ex for about three months after we broke up. It's a surreal experience. Everything is familiar, but simultaneously entirely not the same. Keep your head up. And I'd love to actually meet you before you leave. Hit me up if you want to do something real Denvery for one last time.
from whosaysthat :
i feel ya on your latest entry, girl. go for a hike without him! haha ;)
from whosaysthat :
<3
from bantenhut :
UGH, ha! I also wish I had the urge to write when happy. Oh, well. <3 I hope you get a chance to watch the finale very, very soon!
from aryssa90 :
I was thinking about you today. I can just relate to so much that you write. I want to go back home too. I just came back from visiting and I'm even more sure that moving home is the right move for me. I hope I'm able to make that happen somehow and I hope you're able to also. It really is such a difficult decision to leave different parts of your life behind.
from erases :
i'd show up.
from papotheclown :
My heart is aching for you today. Just remember, you are so valuable that you can make people care for you by simply sharing a couple of sentences about your life every now and then. That's a lot of value. You will get through all of this.
from papotheclown :
I am a 5 with a 4 wing apparently. I still don't know what that means though.
from papotheclown :
I've got this idea: Let's choose some big Denver event, one where there will be like hundreds or thousands of people. And let's go to that event at the same time. Since we don't know what each other looks like or even our real names,we obviously won't see or meet each other. But we will both write about our experience of the event on here. What do you think?
from aryssa90 :
I completely understand. I've been really struggling lately with the fact that live just always kind of sucks because I will always want more and be indecisive. 8 want to lose weight, I want to feel better about myself, I want to travel and leave here but then I realize I can have a lot here. It's just a lot and every decision has pros and cons. Basically, I can totally relate.
from darthuae :
i agree! after watching the last episode of 'girls' i kept having this weird (but warm) feeling in my mouth. it was indeed the best one yet.
from papotheclown :
Hey, thanks for the encouragement. It really means a lot. I know I only get to see the fragments of your life that you write about on here, but I am a fan of you and am cheering you on from a few neighborhoods away.
from frankie123 :
and back atcha <3
from aryssa90 :
Happy birthday!
from papotheclown :
Happiest of birthdays, friend.
from bantenhut :
FUCK yeah! Do it! 2017, let's do this!
from erases :
Hey, I'll take it. Happy ( extremely early ) birthday, to you, too. <3
from tinea :
<3
from erases :
There's nothing else to say; there's just life.
from bantenhut :
Do you think it doesn't sound very fair to him? Or to you? I get fanciful crushes, too. And I feel like maybe my significant other isn't the right person, too, at times. It's not a fun feeling, that's for sure. Maybe it's normal, though. I'm not the one in your relationship, so I can't say with authority what's going on. I'm just glad you're having a good time with him right now, and I hope it continues. You seem like you've had a hard life, and you're very tough, and very fun. Keep on keeping on, sister. It's okay to be wherever you are. Mwah. :*
from frankie123 :
even still nothing's been confirmed (and i absolutely hate the way the health industry operates), but ty i really appreciate you xx
from erases :
Change is good, T. Let's chase it together.
from bantenhut :
Because you're a Stardewer, here's a hilarious video about the game. It's about 9 minutes, I hope you like it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uufntdA7QvY&index=1&list=LLESkBtXyRqS3bEqwVZcKRlQ
from bantenhut :
Aw, that's awesome! Elliott--of course we would go for the brooding novelist, haha! Harvey is also great. :) My nickname on there is teaketta, and update 1.1 just went through the other day. I think in the future (or maybe with this update?) the game might have a social element added, I forget what the proper term is. Anyway, hit me up there if you'd like! The only other game I play really is The Sims 4.
from erases :
i miss you, too, man. i really do.
from bantenhut :
Yes, Stardew Valley is great! Soooo addictive! I am a terrible fisherwoman, but becoming decent at Farming/Foraging/Mining. Penny and I are gettin' hitched, probably. But Elliott and Leah are so much more hip! Haha. :D What goals are you focused on? I'm in my first year of winter right now!
from happyone :
Ohh I loved Stranger Things! I can't wait for season 2! -Ashley Monday, 9.12.16, 2:28 pm
from erases :
<3
from frankie123 :
it's ok probably
from bantenhut :
Hi! :) This is fairly out of the blue, but after catching up with DL posts, I had to let you know -- you might want to check out papotheclown. He also went to the Avett Brothers show at Red Rocks, and wrote about it on the same day. Looks like an awesome venue! / On another note, I hear you on the compatibility thing. Love is complicated. I've mostly decided to get my friendship quotient outside of my relationship. I hope you're doing well! Sounds like a fun 4-year-old party, and the photos of St. Mary's Glacier online are amazing! :D
from frankie123 :
O you are my forever and always tv show twin! garnet gets my heart beating wild like badonk a donk donk
from erases :
where you been
from erases :
avett bros covering band of horses? score! @ red rocks? dude. jelly.
from bantenhut :
You sound like you're being too hard on yourself. We all see the other side as greener sometimes, and some more than others. And if you know what's wrong with your thinking, you can be better about it in the future. I hope you can set aside some time today to just treat yourself, even if it needs to be a free thing. Maybe you could sit under a tree at a park, or have some ice cream. Whatever is a "treat" to you, go do that. You're worth it!
from bantenhut :
Thank you for the note! It's really nice to know I'm not alone in this. Seriously. I hope you're being kind to yourself today. I read your last post, but didn't quite understand it. You are Tia, right? Is Reece a person you are into? It looks like you've updated since then, though. Agreed, drunkenness is fun. :) These men don't understand they need to tell us we're beautiful - often. Hugs, dear! <3
from whystinger :
Perhaps you are afraid of this good relationship or is the relationship just not good. You definitely need to work through why you are unhappy, then want to go back. Not only is this hard on Matt, but it is hard on you. I hesitated to divorce my wife, worried that I would miss her and/or be sorry that I left. I miss the cats, but I really don't miss her and only sometimes do I wish to talk to her. My desire to talk to her is very minor and only infrequently, maybe once a month. I know I made the right decision, but you are struggling.
from whystinger :
First, have patience. Oh, this is way easier to say than to do. At 26 you are smart if you realize you don't have things figured out. Do take the time to become comfortable by yourself and also begin reaching out and making friends. The old cliché of "do what you enjoy and make connections there" does work, but you have to work it and work it frequently (I need to take my own advice). I had friends at the old house (city and state) and need to make friends in my new area. I will probably look towards some Car clubs, runners's clubs and other things that I am interested in. This could be a good opportunity for growth for you. I am using it for my growth.
from erases :
*jim shrug*
from erases :
they were really awesome.
from bantenhut :
I hear you on the making friends thing, I really do. You're not a bad person for not having friends, and just because some people don't want to be friends doesn't mean they know anything about anything. One thing that dawned on me recently (and this may or may not be the case with you) is that I'm very introverted, and tend to not let people in. Oddly enough, it wasn't until a few days ago that I was reminded I need to put myself out there to get friends. And lastly, I saw a video yesterday about making friends by my favorite youtuber. She says that making friends is a slow process, and there are two not-so-great ways to go about it that people sometimes try. One way is to reveal EVERYTHING about yourself ALL AT ONCE so people know who you are, and then bail if people don't jive with you. The other way is to put up a huuuuuge brick wall and not let anyone in. The idea is to take it slow, it doesn't all happen at once. But it's tough sometimes, just like relationships...you invest, and then it may or may not work out. Recently I fell out with a group I thought might be a lasting one, but they turned out to be assholes. It really freakin' hurts! But here's to another day. We'll get through this.
from valasaurus :
That doesn't sound right... did you do your taxes yourself or did you go to someone? If you haven't already submitted it, do your best to atleast have someone else look it over. Best of luck!
from frankie123 :
happy bday girl! i'm sorry yr government suxx
from frankie123 :
same to you, friend
from whystinger :
Alyssa90 makes a good point (hope I spelled it right). I am not sure if you really want to break up or are you afraid of breaking up? It has been years and I do remember some of that stuff from my previous relationships. Have you thought of seeking out a Therapist who may help you work through your feelings, wants and desires? I thought Therapists were "for people with big problems, mental problems or California crazies." I now wish I had taken a friend's recommendation YEARS ago to deal with my marriage with a Therapist. Yes, I worked with one for 8 years, but the idea was first presented to me maybe 14 years ago. I could have been well beyond my shitty marriage by now. Don't discount trying to work with a few Therapists. IF you are willing to do the work, you can either find happiness or determine if you need to move on. Don't just stay in a relationship because he is good to you and you feel bad. Work to become happy or you may regret it. I wish you good luck and happiness. It took me a while to learn, so it may take you a while too. Funny, but I had a few relationships like yours. I left them because it just wasn't right for me and I do not regret it. I do regret not working with a Therapist earlier.
from aryssa90 :
Have you thought about what it is that you do want? I find it's easy or at least easier to say wha I don't want but when people ask me what I do want in like uhhhhh. You say you don't feel like you could marry him. What does that person you would marry look like? Also, I don't think any of those choices make you a failure but from what I've read, Colorado doesn't seem to be what makes you happy. In the end, none of the emotions are going to feel good and it's always going to be messy. You just need to make the best decision for you.
from rhetoric :
i feel like your questions, given this place and the diary format, are rhetorical. but my two cents are as follows. this is not a decision for the rest of your life. at most it is a choice about where you spend the next year. keep it in that context and it seems more answerable. you'll have frustrations and regret no matter what you choose. and you will have others in your life no matter what you choose. it will not make or break your life, you are more than that. what do you want to do long term in life? which decision will advance toward that? go that way. not sure yet? (none of us are.) what do you prefer for the next 6 or 12 months? wishing you all the best.
from xt4j :
(12.14.15) Emphatic yes. I don't know enough about the situation, but I know if you're asking THAT question, the answer is always always always YES.
from aryssa90 :
Are you okay? How did he react?
from bantenhut :
Hi! I just want to say that I like you, and your journal, and that you try so hard. You are strong! Someone commented on my notes a while ago, reminding me to "Leap, and the net will appear." The latter part of the message said, "Leap, kid. It's worse regretting you didn't, later." So you could regret not leaping when you're old, or you could regret leaping when you're young. I think you're better off trying now. Your goals wouldn't be worthwhile if they were easy. Just make sure you're taking breaks, and taking care of yourself. I spent most of a weekend doing nothing after a hellish semester. Balance is key. :) Good luck, warrior princess!
from whystinger :
I want to learn Spanish too. I must find the time fore classes.
from degausser :
I too have thought it would just be easier if he cheated on me because that would be a normal, logical, clear-cut reason for leaving. No idea what that means, but you aren't alone!
from frankie123 :
<3<3<3<3
from rhetoric :
well i've got my fingers crossed for you, whatever you do.
from rhetoric :
i hope it doesn't come across as morose or like i'm hoping for a particular outcome. i just want to say that the way you are cataloging this and describing it all--regardless of outcome--is fascinating to me. it's like a serial story. however, i completely understand it is your actual life so, best wishes to you.
from whystinger :
Oh, shit! If you are hoping he is cheating on you so you have a reason to break up, then dump him! I used to have that same desire with my (now) ex wife. That is your brain telling you to dump him. I wish I would have listened to myself and not waited the extra seven years. Also with comments like "break up when this is the nicest they have been to you" (a summary, not exact) this is another indicator. I have been there and understand how difficult. PS. you won't leave until YOU are ready.
from erases :
11.14.15 motherfuck. i know.
from frankie123 :
for a bit, yeah
from whystinger :
Wait, a full time job as a school teacher and a part time job??? That is more than too much to do.
from aryssa90 :
So, he sounds like a nice guy but, I will say that is kind of shitty :/ it sounds like you've given up a lot to be in a place where you're not that happy
from whystinger :
Congratulations for getting your student loan half paid off already. I received bad advice from a CPA and was told to not "pay it off early and use the tax deduction." This was shitty advice because I got a couple of hundred dollars of tax write off for paying several thousands in interest. If I was smart, I would have let go of the tax deduction and saved several thousand dollars in interest payment. So, my compliments to you!
from frankie123 :
bleeh
from lostasyou :
Thank you so much for saying so :)
from whystinger :
Wish I had a weekend with an excess of sex... I am sort of jealous.
from rhetoric :
re: aug 12th - in my opinion, the frustration is perfectly expressed. you may see it later as too mean or too whatever else, but it doesn't seem outlandish from an outsider's perspective. that said, hope you start turning some of it around to things you enjoy more.
from moonbaby8u :
Ok.... loverherwell sunshine :)
from frankie123 :
thank you!! XX fingers crossed. XXXXXXX. and good luck to you, too, with whichever decision you make.
from erases :
I think you're just living life, like the rest of us. We just happen to be people who need and have found an outlet. I'm always here for you, and I'm glad your life is moving in a positive direction. You're not sad now, you're just running into life's obstacles. It'll all work out in the end. Much love.
from spit-n-lie :
Ditto, hang in there :)
from a-d-w :
are you feeling better?
from whystinger :
About an older entry, cavity forming. Try some peroxide rinses or brush with peroxide and baking soda as a toothpaste. Keep it clean and if you can kill the bacteria, there is a chance of stopping the cavity and sometimes even re-calcify it. My former dentist has me flossing with toothpaste in my mouth (from after brushing). Messy, but seems to help a lot. Cool diary. I snoop once in a while.
from frankie123 :
i only spilled on the topsheet, so whatever, it's way too hot to bother using that anyway
from frankie123 :
it's a hard knock life
from whystinger :
I am returning. Hope all is well.
from mallorysana :
I know I do not know you, but the way you tell your story, how vulnerable you are using your words, I think that is beauty in itself. If I can see that, I am sure those around you can see the beauty that really matters, your heart.
from aryssa90 :
yes. which is why her name will be little ann :) by the way. life always sucks, there are jsut brief moments where it doesnt completely blow. ive obviously had a shit day, im sure my perspective will be different tomorrow. Have you ever heard Vedera's song "Satisfy"? It makes sense to me, I wonder if it's a generational thing
from bantenhut :
I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it. I'm with you, I never get to see my sweetheart and I work two jobs, am taking four classes. Maybe you could move in with him, if he's your guy. Something Corporate was such a great band. Hugs from Texas! Hope you feel better soon.
from aryssa90 :
I can totally relate to the holiday thing. Bill works most holidays and I have jobs where I get them off so I usually spend them alone. It really sucks. Sometimes face timing or skyping helps. It other times it's just more depressing. But there will be more holidays. And there will be other jobs. And there will be a time when you are happy. :) and you can always talk to me of you need
from frankie123 :
march 21 -- i rly loved that
from msjessica :
thank you very much! xx
from degausser :
Thanks, I hope so too. Hey congratulations on your jobs! I know adjusting to the move must be hard, but it sounds like things are going really well for you :)
from aryssa90 :
After I graduated I was in a similar situation. I had moved in with bill, thousands of miles away from friends, family. I didn't have a job and I was struggling. It was a really depressing time. I cried probably every day. I found a job (that I hated) and then got a different job that I ended up hating even more. The friends took awhile. I've been living here for like, 4 years now and I'm just now in a place that doesn't completely suck, although on my more depressed days I think it does. You have an advantage though, you're (I think) in a better, bigger town with more social and professional opportunities. Also, your boyfriend is around your age so hopefully his friends can become your friends. I think everyone goes through a horrible after college transition, some are just harder than others. If you ever want to talk, I'm here! Also, the first time I got my hair cut here, the girl dyed it wrong and I ended up with bright red hair and bright yellow roots. I also cried, so don't feel like it's silly :)
from erases :
happy birthday, t.
from amidstgrace :
congrats to you on graduating, it's okay to be proud of yourself too :)
from erases :
you earned it kiddo, congrats. proud of ya
from lostasyou :
<3 thank you.
from lostasyou :
<3 thank you.
from frankie123 :
heck yes grrrrrrrl
from erases :
who doesn't have a target?
from a-d-w :
true story. i'm wishing you luck btw. can you feel it?
from frankie123 :
wd definitely recommend it! & i hope you receive the good career vibes i just pulsated to wherever you are
from frankie123 :
so how do you make it work without spending half your time seething or sobbing? what's the secret i'm missing?
from frankie123 :
loooove wide Sargasso sea
from jaysthoughts :
Hi, Tia.
from degausser :
Obviously the timing might not be right (right this second) because of the situation with his dad, but just in general: don't be afraid to discuss your concerns and even your doubts. All of that is totally normal and healthy, and you're even allowed to be scared. Moving across the country to be with someone is a big scary change, and you're totally allowed to feel all that. I had doubts and concerns about moving in with TL and we lived less than 5 minutes away from each other. It's normal to worry about a major life change and you shouldn't be afraid to talk about it with your partner. It's important to be on the same page, and you'll feel better if you're able to be honest and open. Having concerns that you want to talk through doesn't mean you don't have faith in the relationship; it just means you're going through the normal emotional stages of a major life change. It's okay to feel all that and it's okay to talk about it. It sounds trite, but communication is so important in a relationship.
from moodswing :
hiya, honey.
from jaysthoughts :
Cheers
from frankie123 :
step by step & deep breaths -- i'm gonna copy your game plan. happy fall 2014 ~~~
from whystinger :
Shoot me an email at why stinger"at"yahoo and I will send you a password.
from whystinger :
Long distance romances can be sweet and also so damn tough at the same time. I swore off long distance romances and then got into one, married her. I have learned the bad thing is: sometimes you don't truly get to know that person. In my case, I now realize the signs were there and I either ignored them or was talked out of them. I don't read you very often, but I feel you "have a better head on your shoulders" in relation to this than I did.
from aryssa90 :
hey! wanna shoot me an email at [email protected] for the info? Also, have you heard of the band Kodaline? We seem to have some similar tastes in music, was just wondering :)
from moodswing :
but one thing is universal: communication, communication, communication. free your voice and the rest will follow.
from moodswing :
I am having wild trouble restraining myself from saying OH GOD HERE ARE THE ERRORS I MADE DONT DO THEM EVEN THOUGH OUR LDR'S ARE/WERE NOT THE SAME, and nobody likes that, so... if you have interest in unsolicited opinions, let me know. :)
from moodswing :
make sure your people meet him.
from erases :
All I can say is: it's about time.
from frankie123 :
i liked it a lot! funny and simple and profound (or very unprofound)
from lostasyou :
Haha! I think it always looks really crap! But thanks x
from moodswing :
i'd tear the roots out of someone if they said that to me.
from tinea :
"don't ever look at it!" i actually loled :)
from frankie123 :
very often after reading one of your entries i feel like i just wanna reach out and high five you like F-YEAH
from frankie123 :
i knooow! :D
from whystinger :
Four miles in 40:07 is AWESOME!!!
from almostrachie :
Eeps! I'm sorry I changed passwords on ya -- I didn't think anyone was reading anymore. I've restored the old password :)
from i-lost-sarah :
also, I'm sure your emotional rollercoaster is a beautiful ride-- and the ones who get run over maybe need to appreciate the loop-de-loops or get out of the way
from i-lost-sarah :
Not weird -- you made me so happy, you really did -- thank you, thank you, thank you :)
from tinea :
:D !!!
from erases :
yer not the worst.. sheesh.. you rule. remember that.
from degausser :
Oh my god don't get me started on the HIMYM finale. I have been ranting about it all over the internet since 9pm on Monday.
from erases :
It's the end of an era.
from erases :
I hope so, Tia. I really do.
from frankie123 :
shucks, man.
from degausser :
Thanks! That's my beloved Gilbert.
from erases :
happy birthday ms. t
from movingsands :
Happy birthday! Bask in all that gooey happiness!
from degausser :
Happy Birthday!
from frankie123 :
your boy sounds like the Best
from movingsands :
I wonder if feet hurting, vanilla ice-cream as a favorite, and being touchy-feely are aquarius traits...my son is the same. I bet you had to choose your birthday cakes from an array of hearts and pink frosting too. Ahh, February... :)
from meffinmisfit :
01/05/14 POST: That is how things should be. You deserve it :)
from erases :
yay
from degausser :
That's adorable and right to the point! I like that in a man.
from aryssa90 :
IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU
from imalex :
Sounds like a keeper :)
from moodswing :
<3
from aryssa90 :
Have you ever tried melatonin? It's a sleep aid, you can get it at Wal-Mart and it's supposed to help you sleep. You can take 3-9 mg. The nurse at my work gives them to the kids who cannot sleep, you don't need a prescription. I've tried it before, when I have consistently had difficulty sleeping, it seemed to work for me!
from edgarfrog :
You heard me.
from degausser :
Thank you!
from cut-therain :
you always say it about other people, but tonight i'm going to say it about you. YOU'RE PERFECT AND I LOVE YOU.
from angelic-echo :
I've been following your diary for quite awhile now, and I'm cheering you on, you have such a big heart, sometimes your entries make me want to cry. I know exactly what you are going through when you say you are sad. I'm hoping things turn around for you and you get everything in life you deserve.
from moodswing :
i'm glad to see you're happy :)
from frankie123 :
i smiled all through your 26.09.13 entry. very stoked for you!!
from frankie123 :
black a white e red i green u blue o -- it's a nod to arthur rimbaud, who's always meant a lot to me. & $10 000 -- dang! the thought of grad school never fails to makes me queasy
from darthuae :
i want in! astromechdroid at gmail dot com xo
from frankie123 :
next week let's coordinate outfits. i'm thinking BIG SWEATER AND LAZY PONYTAIL
from frankie123 :
that's my plan too!! we are tuesday night twins
from frankie123 :
ya, i'm totally just watching new girl and eating tortilla chips instead
from frankie123 :
fuck linguistics. write the story.
from cymbals :
[email protected]
from doctorkaysen :
[email protected] please please
from frankie123 :
"...you're really good at sticking with things that aren't necessarily what you want." that hit me like a brick for some reason. i read it probably ten hours ago and here i am, now, still thinking about it. & you're absolutely right about everybody being like that. when none of us should be.
from degausser :
Seventy Times Seven is one of the greatest "fuck you" songs of all time.
from degausser :
[email protected]
from frankie123 :
[email protected] (knock, knock)
from degausser :
Every Mosby finds where they belong eventually. I think. I hope. We'll find out in September? Bahah
from erases :
We're such Schmosby's.
from degausser :
I happen to love Ted Mosby.
from cymbals :
i second frankie123s comment, and also wanted to say that you starting your entry with a bit from my favourite mountain goats song made me really happy. <3
from frankie123 :
one thing that helps with (lower) back pain is to sleep on yr back with a pillow or two under yr knees. also marijuana.
from shewholies :
If you fail, fail spectacularly. If that's not what you want, commit to succeeding. Be honest with yourself about what you want and everything else will fall into place.
from bantenhut :
"but my god if i end up just like her, i'll be doing damn well." So sweet! I have to remember this for myself, too. Cheers! :)
from lostasyou :
Thank you Tia, xx
from erases :
wrong. there is no one better than you. that's a fact.
from degausser :
Thank you! And you as well :) I'm glad someone else worries about these things too.
from degausser :
"for the past couple of days i have been wondering how someone must see me just from what i've written here" I do that allll the time. Always have. I re-read recent entries and try to analyze myself and wonder what people think when they read it. Do I seem funny? Sad? Depressing? Intelligent? SLUTTY? Charming? Annoying? Repetitive? Vulgar? Immature? Neurotic? SLUTTY? (I used to ask myself that a lot more) I always try to be really honest, but then I worry that I�m honestly awful. If I partook in hashtags, I would hashtag journaling problems right now.
from shewholies :
Your diary makes me happy. I don't know why. It just does. Much love and sunshine to you!
from rhetoric :
and you didn't have to wait 9 years between sequels. here's hoping the third one is just as good.
from puresunsh1ne :
I'm so jealous of your relationship with your mother
from frankie123 :
if i may be solicitous: the pacific northwest is pretty great
from rhetoric :
you should now watch before sunset. and probably before midnight, though i haven't seen this one. i want to.
from edgarfrog :
Follow me.
from rhetoric :
i'm not sure either is preferable. somewhere in between, but that would make sense.
from frankie123 :
"2. i will feel terrible about myself knowing that it meant nothing. then i will turn it into me being nothing." shit, that is exactly correct and you said it so well
from whosaysthat :
hi, i'm a random person who reads your diary! i like it. i get it. from, janna
from degausser :
I feel like to be at my best, I need other people to write beautiful things that I can relate to. It's easier to get what I'm feeling into words if I know I'm not acting and feeling like a total maniac, or like I don't have ANY idea what I'm doing with my life (Because I don't! Shh!). It's somehow easier, knowing you have an audience who understands, and has felt the same, or at least understands why you feel that way. Really, this place may not be like it used to be, but I am thankful to still have six regular posters (thanks!) who says things that I understand and relate to.
from erases :
this city and colour guy writes songs like i write songs, except for the fact that i'm way cooler than this guy ;)
from erases :
http://vimeo.com/42657462 george's boy.
from rhetoric :
even though i know it is not true, there are times when it seems like i can see your mind working through your writing; almost as if i'm watching the process happen. it's quite a skill.
from erases :
love'll burn a hole in you, kid.
from frankie123 :
write him a letter explaining that it's not an apology if it's sent over facebook. ignore him until he writes back.
from erases :
i've been thinking about covering here comes the sun. thought of you today when i saw this guy cover the song. http://youtu.be/-qhQTJKJnuE i don't think it can get any better than his version. enjoy
from frankie123 :
her majesty is the one beatles song i find myself singing under my breath all the time. it's just so simple and lovely
from rhetoric :
it is one of my favorite things to read someone else's epiphany. very cool.
from erases :
loving the new color scheme
from rhetoric :
listen to your gut, but then figure it out with your head.
from erases :
Message me your email please :)
from moodswing :
oh, you're so sweet. thank you, honeybear.
from moodswing :
aw, shucks. the thanks. i am very pleased with it. well worth the 3.5 hours of beestings
from erases :
That can definitely put a damper on things.
from erases :
Quite the contrary: those sound like things you should be doing. However, they do sound like things you should not take for granted.
from degausser :
"sometimes i just stop and look and myself and my life and think, how the hell did i get here?" Happens to me all. the. time.
from moodswing :
HEY ARE YOU OKAY. :) I come from a place of wayward brother troubles, and based on my experiences I will tell you it all turns out well, but the glory of life is it's mystery, so in the meantime we just wonder. I think that makes sense. Sometimes I find the more I tell myself to sit straight and breathe right, the more crooked I end up, since I am then too focused on breathing, and cause myself to panic. I'm not sure where the balance is.
from cymbals :
hey you, thanks for your lovely comment. it is certainly nice to hear that from someone who doesn't live here and doesn't have any kind of selfish interest in me staying. i also think it is pretty unique to be so happy in one place, to have made so many friends so far from home; i guess that i get that my parents are more focused on my "career" but i just want to be happy, and i don't necessarily think that work is how that is going to happen. am *completely* jealous of your adorable puppy, and i always hope that you get what you want, feelings twin. hope you're happy too. happy snowfall. xx
from aryssa90 :
I agree with what puresunsh1ne said. Something like family members going to rehab can be a really hard situation for friends to navigate, especially if they have never gone through something similar. They don't know how to relate or what to say and they don't want to upset yku by bringing it up. My dad has been in jail for 2 years for a DUI and all that time none of my friends have asked me about it and if I ever bring it up because I want to talk about it, they don't ask me anything other than if I'm okay and then they just kind of awkwardly change the subject. But if I told them I needed to talk to them and I needed to have them listen, I hope that they would. I hope you're okay and I know we don't know each other too well but if you want to talk about it, we can. I kind of know what you're going through.
from frankie123 :
username: fire / password: fly / i don't have much happening there atm
from frankie123 :
i clicked on your name from the recent entry box and just wanted to say hi. and i hope things will turn for the better for you
from puresunsh1ne :
i didn't ask because i didn't know if i should. i feel like sensitive situations should be brought up by you, if that makes sense. i am sorry if i hurt your feelings.
from aryssa90 :
You are perfect too. You should remember that.
from erases :
thanks t :)
from erases :
I miss being the person that does all that.
from lostasyou :
I don't deserve it, but thank you.
from puresunsh1ne :
Antidepressants.
from puresunsh1ne :
I love you.
from erases :
oh, you never know.. i think you should be open to letting someone surprise you.. it's not a bad thing to be open to intimacy.. i think that one day someone's gonna walk up to you and flip your current world on it's head.. and that is something that you cannot prepare for. live and let live.
from moodswing :
pretty colors!
from tinea :
it's okay to feel unsatisfied when you're faced with unsatisfactory options. don't feel guilty about this; it puts you in the position to settle.
from doctorkaysen :
"i am never, ever satisfied" I relate to this so much. It's painful to think that we may just be wired this way.
from erases :
thank you! *v*
from hoursandours :
is it you?
from fairybones :
yay baby indeed! thank you for your kind words, tia! <33333333333333333
from erases :
i feel my heart puttering out. stopping. breaking all over again.
from imalex :
Hahaha YES! I think that all the time.
from moodswing :
Oh gosh, aren't you adorable.
from tinea :
thank you!! and eeek is 100% right; it's so surreal!
from moodswing :
Amen to optimism, sister.
from cymbals :
quote me a leonard cohen poem and i am yours forever. we all want to fall in love like that. i hope it happens for you soon. <3
from almostrachie :
I'm here to inform you that you might be in love with me based on my love of reading, television, and The Beatles. Just thought you should know! :D
from moodswing :
Definitely jammed out to that song maybe ten times on the way to work this morning. And learned the official video has Fraggles. Good start to my week, I think.
from moodswing :
do it anyway. i should probably listen to that song every morning
from tobehis :
I think the kickdrum heart song was my fave. ~ What do you think changed in June that made you lose your confidence in where you were going?
from erases :
11/16/12 anxiety. so true.
from moodswing :
thank you, thank you--i'll be here all.. forever, probably
from tobehis :
Remind me to listen to those songs later...I don't have time right now. :-p
from tinea :
:) you pop into my mind more than you'd think.
from xnamehere :
i recommend rainbow veins by owl city to compliment your lovely playlist. :)
from errantnights :
I know this is a month late, but really I just read it right now, so it actually kind of fits with the point. The point being: "If you want to message him then just do it! Things are not really as easily complicated as they seem, I promise."
from aryssa90 :
those songs are awesome. They made me smile, I couldn't help it :)
from erases :
it's in the mail.
from lostasyou :
:D.... aaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!
from moodswing :
that's what imma try to do... I hope it works :s
from tobehis :
Yay for starting grad school! You're a better girl than I. ;-)
from erases :
i'm a loose frayed thread within earshot of a blade
from tobehis :
If you figure out how to be motivated, let me know. ;-)
from doctorkaysen :
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUR DIARY. i am so glad we are diaryland lovers.
from tobehis :
I've got a lot of needy entries, too. :-/ Seems like I always write when I'm blue, but don't write very often when I'm in a good mood. Probably stinks for my readers. :-P
from tobehis :
Ah, that makes sense. Well, maybe sometime soon when you're not tipsy. :-P And thanks.
from cymbals :
i concur with the one below: if he added you on facebook after you danced at a wedding, how can it be a bad idea to message him if you want to? have fun. ;)
from tobehis :
Why is it a bad idea to message him? Just a friendly little hello and comment on Community, it doesn't have to be anything forward...
from moodswing :
puppy! I might be very jealous
from rhetoric :
the big secret is that no one ever knows. think for a bit (just a bit), choose, and do.
from tobehis :
Just know that subbing is almost nothing like real teaching! :-O
from almostrachie :
It's hard to not have a specific direction to go in. It makes me feel restless. I hope you can find comfort in the fact that it will not last forever! I think everyone experiences periods of time that feel like, "What am I doing? Where am I going?" but they always (thankfully) seem to fade.
from tobehis :
You say "too many dreams" - maybe you could volunteer at places that do some of the things you dream of doing. You'll get your feet wet and be able to see if it's really what you wanna do.
from spit-n-lie :
One time a long time ago, I felt the exact same way. I use to have these ideas of what I was going to do, not detailed plans, more like outlines. But after I graduated college, I just went kind of...blank. Stagnant. And while I can't really help you- because I feel like I've never recuperated my sense of "going somewhere"- I can tell you that what helped me was making small little lists. Like, "today I'm doing this" and then I slowly graduated to "next month I want to do this" and then maybe you can go to bigger ideas that can make you feel... fuller. Just a thought.
from tobehis :
"There's no place like home."
from thepeachtree :
I could use a comment right now, and your the only one online. Thanks.
from cut-therain :
i like winter too.
from lostasyou :
That's such a cute little pup xx
from tobehis :
Poor puppy looks sad...
from cymbals :
sorry for my crazy internet double post. x
from cymbals :
go to 5:00 and listen to heath ledger's advice to you. everything is better coming from him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aX_xjuBhbA
from cymbals :
go to 5:00 and listen to heath ledger's advice to you. everything is better coming from him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aX_xjuBhbA
from tobehis :
I can understand life being crazy and busy and all that. If ya ever need to talk, you know how to reach me. I must have slept right through the storm last night. Didn't hear a thing. And, finally, being single does stink majorly...
from tobehis :
"i am ultimately terrified to do the things i love" - why?
from puresunsh1ne :
just go home tia.
from akasha90 :
thanks for that. perhaps i really shouldn't lose hope.
from tobehis :
I've made some bad choices the past few days (months??), too...and I'm in big doo-doo because of it. Like, I'll probably be job-searching soon. Yikes!
from tobehis :
I should take advantage of $2 Tuesdays more often...
from bedwarmhands :
Thank you. xx
from tobehis :
I've had it drilled into me my whole life - and I do believe it...but sometimes I struggle, like you. If I were to take the time to update right now, it would be so blue and lonely and questioning. What on earth is my life supposed to look like? Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing? How do I know that I'm doing the right thing? What IS my purpose? So, yeah...I feel ya.
from tobehis :
Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever be interested in me, also. ...And there is a purpose to life. Would we be here if there wasn't?
from erases :
because the right person hasn't found you yet.
from akasha90 :
this is my first time reading your diary. i didn't know people were chosen for work that way. now not only will i have to pretend i'm not socially awkward, but i have to work on my penmanship as well. crap...
from moodswing :
that is a total bullshit reason for not hiring someone. but as a side note I KNEW PEOPLE DID THAT I THOUGHT I WAS BEING PARANOID
from doctorkaysen :
I wish I could take all my dland friends and have a sleepover where we lay around in gross pajamas and watch the princess bride and raiders of the lost ark and talk about the crap in our lives.
from bedwarmhands :
Thanks friend.
from moodswing :
(celebrate.)
from lostasyou :
:D thank you! I'll try my hardest to not mess this one up haha
from cymbals :
ohhhhh are you ok? that was a sad sad entry. i groaned out loud for you. GOL. :)
from tobehis :
I always have fun with my Lola. :-) Thanks!
from tobehis :
Great article. (Funny, too.)
from tobehis :
Girl, you're not a failure. You've been going through a lot of changes lately. Give yourself time to adjust! If you ever need to find someone to talk to, you can always email me. [email protected]. Just make sure you put something about "tia" in the subject so I'll know it's you. :-) I love to write and and communicate with others that way, too.
from lostasyou :
thank you x
from tobehis :
Sometimes you have to go out and find a new community.
from doctorkaysen :
thank you :) I might mess up a whole bunch of other stuff, haha, but I'm at least gonna try to bring up my girl without scrutinizing her body. it's way too commonplace. girls should feel good about themselves!
from aryssa90 :
Don't people always just bring down the mood? Just be excited with me!
from moodswing :
MY NAME IS T-BONE THE DISCO SPIDER
from tobehis :
Hang in there, girl. You've had an emotionally trying week (weeks??). It's good to have a good cry every once in a while. And you're not a failure. You're just in the middle of figuring out where you need to be. It's a tough job. Growing up is HARD!
from puresunsh1ne :
oh tia. you are not a failure. we are in our twenties, this is what life is supposed to be. you can come cry on me any time. i love you.
from tobehis :
You'd probably have more of a guaranteed job if you taught Spanish...but I like French. Took 2 years in high school. (Sadly, I don't remember the majority of it. :-( ) It stinks that you didn't get the job...but it's good that you have a back-up plan. So you're moving to Louisville? That Mario medley was pretty cool. :-) (But I didn't listen to whole thing...too long!)
from tobehis :
So...did you get it? :-P
from cymbals :
also, sorry for that huge chuck of text - i copied your message to my response so i could read it as i wrote and forgot to delete.
from cymbals :
i just feel like he's the one who is most in touch with himself as well as in touch with who everyone else is. he has his head on straighter than the rest of the group even if he's off a bit. i love his pop culture references and he's usually a better friend than anyone on the show (i also just started the second season). i don't know, i have a bad habit of latching on to one character of a show i'm obsessed with and i just love every single thing that character does (which is obviously the case with abed, as says this way too long response haha). i just think its interesting since abed is the character least able to identify the emotions and social cues of the people around him, and from the picture i've gotten of you, you seem pretty attuned to those things. abed is definitely the most interesting character in my opinion as well, even though i see a horrible caricature of myself in britta, and can't help being attracted to jeff even though he is like a composite of all of the worst traits of boys that i tend to go for. i hope the next season doesn't suck! xoxo
from cymbals :
why do you think he's perfect?
from tobehis :
In response to "i'm being dead serious" - Yeah, I feel that way a lot. Why does growing up have to be so hard? I wonder that a LOT LOT LOT. ~ I'm amazed you have so many job interviews...sounds like a REAL blessing. I thought it was terribly hard to get a job; my bro has had a ton of trouble with his job searches, and when I was searching last spring/summer, I couldn't even get interviews. So maybe what I'm trying to say is, be thankful you have those opportunities and that you have choices to make.
from doctorkaysen :
thank you <3
from tobehis :
You can lean on Jesus.
from tobehis :
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
from erases :
http://m.funnyordie.com/videos/52f83fb7d3/blackbird-recently-discovered-demo-recording thought you'd laugh as much as I did
from lostasyou :
♥
from tobehis :
It's great to have people we can be comfortable around, be ourselves around.
from tobehis :
What's your degree in? I'm trying to avoid grad school with everything in me. :-P
from tobehis :
Like the new layout. And that kid is CUTE!
from tobehis :
Sorry this is a few days old, but... Becoming financially independent (or working towards becoming financially independent) seems like a great step to me (not that I'm there yet, but I'm starting to think about what I need to do to be able to support myself). And I'm of the mind that, no matter what, one should remain as debt-free as possible. So, of course, the debt-free option resounded with me. But...I also can empathize with not having friends nearby and having no guy prospects. So, yes, it seems you have a tough decision on your hands.
from fairybones :
mhm, the whole situation was annoying and upsetting, but it feels really good to be able to put a username to the comments/drama and to finally be over and done with it all. <3
from lostasyou :
shit, I didn't finish! ... in a more PLEASE COME BACK sort of way. I hope people believe me this time aha. Ah well. And thanks :)
from lostasyou :
Hahaha it's just annoying because I've said it all before.. well, in a more upset and PLEASE COME BACK
from erases :
rabbit rabbit :) & yes, stick stickly: my favorite
from puresunsh1ne :
i don't have a job ARE YOU TELLING ME I AM NOT SMART TIA!
from lostasyou :
:( I read that. It's just very hard to understand why things like that happen. I don't even know :(
from tinea :
that's the way of the world, to value style over substance, but we know better. and that's okay. but whatever you do, do what will make YOU happy, not what you think will make other people happy. because while it's awesome to be hot and thin, it makes it a lot harder to weed out the people who are only interested in you because you're hot and thin.
from a-d-w :
sometimes i worry about ever having to work in retail again. then i read some stories in my diary about the good days to try make myself feel better. but that doesn't work. i still don't ever want to work in retail again. maybe i have an idea of how you feel.
from tinea :
though you do have a point, and i am the LAST person to discourage self-improvement, i weighed almost 250 lbs (i am 5'4") when i met the love of my life. he fell in love with ME first and foremost, and kept the secret for so long that he wasn't really physically attracted to me. so don't sell yourself short. the right person will see through all the mess you have going on on the outside, i promise. you can figure everything else out later.
from doctorkaysen :
YES. YES YOU GET IT. Working in customer service makes you so pessimistic about people as a whole being okay.
from lostasyou :
hahahahaha, oh no! It's sooo cringe worthy just thinking about it. What is it with mothers and reading that book???
from tobehis :
That's sad about your brother... Aaaand your randomness cracks me up sometimes. :-P
from aryssa90 :
I think the rosebud cheat went ;!;!;!;!:!;!;!:!;! :)
from moodswing :
!;!;!;!
from erases :
:'-(
from fairybones :
aww tia, i love you and thanks so much for writing me that little note! i'm still rather unsure in a way about having my diary locked, but despite that weird awareness of having an audience i think i'll keep it locked at least a while longer, just out of pure protectiveness of my pregnancy. over everything else, i really like the idea of shitty people not being able to lurk around! and, oh, yeah!, about going vegan - thanks so much for the well wishes on that, seriously. this has actually become something i'm super passionate about (both health-wise, just as much for the animal rights aspect), and i've actually been getting so much great feedback, both online as well as in my personal life (which i hardly expected) so when i first started reading your note it made me smile to myself like crazy. i think i made the decision at the perfect time, and i think it's also one of the best decisions i've ever made too! (ps. i truly think you are a doll, tia. and even though i know you might not see it in yourself, you're probably one of the most self-aware girls i've ever heard of, and certainly on diaryland alone. i think that despite some of your inner struggles, you're going to do really damn well in life and i just know that you will find all the happiness you deserve - which is a lot, by the way! and half the time whenever i'm reading one of your entries i just want to poke you in the shoulder and hug you and tell you to give yourself a break and just a wee bit more credit, because you are awesome and sweet and caring and smart and funny and silly and ambitious and beautiful, and that's one hell of a great combination of things to be and it's way more than i can say for a lot of people on this planet.)
from tobehis :
The joys of a twin bed... LOL.
from erases :
thank you :) I'll post more songs soon
from moodswing :
y'know, when I started writing here 400 years ago, I was in high school and convinced a lot of my real-life friends to do it too. I was pretty much the only one who stuck around, but it took years before I felt comfortable really laying it all out here. Then there was the time I was in a ltr with someone also on dland--who is still here as far as I can tell--and again, this awkward process of 'what do i write knowing who can see it.' I've left several times, trying to write on tumblr or other backcorners of the internet, and yet I always find myself coming back here. I don't know why, but nothing works as well as this little place. Not even paper. It's always been strange to me to have this desire/need to have a somewhat private place to write that is really out in the open, but I've tried writing here with a locked diary and that doesn't work for me either. I don't really know what I'm trying to say other than rambling, but eventually dismiss the idea of unwanted eyes and let (the no-longer seen) Constable Whiskers be your guide :)
from tobehis :
Hi, Tia! I've lived in the same house all my life. Louisville doesn't scare me so much...because I don't normally go to the areas with the "reputation" - I don't have any reason to. ...AAAAAAND I just did something that I vowed I would never, ever do. Anyway, thanks for reading, and if you don't mind I'll be adding you to my buddy list, too.
from doctorkaysen :
i had an ex-bf totally infiltrate dl too. two actually. I'm pretty sure they still read my entries and shit too. it does sort of ruin it for you, but I've already had this lame journal for like 4 years. anyway, I totally get what you mean. worst feeling.
from tobehis :
There's been some pretty big violence in Louisville lately...It's good for you to be careful. I'm sure your family just wants to make sure you're safe. I agree that you shouldn't hide under a rock and see a monster in every shadow...but neither should you ignore the real dangers that are out there. This ol' world is a sad, messed up place. ~ OK, enough of that, esp. since you don't even know me and this is, I believe, the first time I've read you. Haha. Just stumbled across your diary in the "recent public entries" box...I don't think your rambling "unorganized" rant was bad...I mean, the purpose of having a diary is for you to get your thoughts out, right? However is best for you to do that, go for it. Your readers will deal with it. :-) (And my comments here weren't exactly organized, either. Hopefully you won't think I'm some kind of lunatic. :-P )
from tinea :
ah, thank you. "gracefully" is so generous, but i'll take it :)
from lostasyou :
:( you see! people suck :( hugs.
from lostasyou :
:) yeah, I know.. just difficult to remember sometimes hahaha x
from erases :
that means more to me than you know. thank you.
from bliss-sad :
I really dig your view of the world. Your mind seems to be a marvelous place!
from asmo-deus :
it is good to know a different set of eyes are watching
from malanoche :
yeah, it's more fun to bitch in a way that sounds like a modern Holden with updated swears than just a regular chump.
from erases :
boy, i feel ya.
from fairybones :
your new hair is so pretty! it really really suits you. also, congrats on graduating! <3
from erases :
like the new cut! :)
from erases :
that's so strange.. i was literally just playing say it ain't so singing loudly on my guitar when i clicked on your page to see 'butterfly'
from zoela :
thank you! i have a paper due also, ugh! hope you finished yours without too much lost sleep. have a beautiful weekend. :)
from lostasyou :
:) ♥.. and what do they mean?
from erases :
listen to your own heart. what does it tell you?
from lostasyou :
♥
from fairybones :
aww, thanks tia! <3
from lostasyou :
Haha no way I wish I sounded like that.. "naaaat..night!" haha ^_^
from lostasyou :
OMG I love your voice! Awwwwwwwwwwwww, omg ♥
from cymbals :
YOUR ACCENT IS SO CUTE!
from erases :
i'm glad i found you as well, dear.
from puresunsh1ne :
i've been depressed for the past four years and i haven't just spent all my time in bed, have i? and weren't you glad for me whenever i did something about it? i'd be glad for you, too. there's no shame in getting help. no shame in reaching out.
from notunique :
things are settling down again. thank you.
from rhetoric :
you're bigger than all that. glad you shared.
from lostasyou :
♥ xxxx
from puresunsh1ne :
love you, tia.
from lostasyou :
Thank you xx
from drastik :
"keep smiling". you can always do that part, and you tell yourself to at the title of every page. (I enjoyed your advise, so I'm passing it back to you. But - I enjoy the loveherwell advice even more)
from lostasyou :
♥
from lostasyou :
I don't know. I thought it was all okay. If this happened now.. I wouldn't even waste my time deciding. But it happened when we weren't together and it was none of my business.. but I was lied to :( that's the worst thing. Like you said, what else might get buried under the sand? We supposedly left all that shit behind us and it's been brilliant since. I just wish he decided to let me know about that tiny important detail back then, at the appropriate moment. now i am all confused :(
from lostasyou :
yeah, that's what i was thinking :/
from tinea :
thank you, dear!
from rhetoric :
you're a catch. you just haven't met someone that has caught up to you yet.
from tinea :
i'm so glad you worded it that way. i know i'm going really out there now, but i do think that as women in our culture, we're taught that we're never supposed to hurt anyone's feelings, we're supposed to sacrifice our own well-being for others, and that we're not supposed to be honest/"mean." being truthful is so not even in the same ballpark as being willfully malicious or unkind. i think the best thing any of us (ladies) can do for our lives is to separate those two things, consciously and consistently.
from tinea :
i do believe that you get what you give, and "what comes around, goes around" and all that. so i don't think you're getting what you "deserve" in the sense that it's a punishment, it's just that you're getting back exactly what you have given: uncertainty, embarrassment, and some discomfort. i get the impression that you are maybe TOO nice sometimes, and you don't want to hurt people's feelings when you feel they've put you in a spot, but by ignoring them and deflecting the situation, you unintentionally do so anyway. it sucks to be a jerk (aka honest, brutally sometimes) in situations, but i think that most people appreciate it more when you are honest and upfront and the situation is resolved, rather than when they're left feeling slighted. and i think honesty is better for your peace of mind too, since yeah, you'll feel bad briefly for hurting someone's feelings, but in the long run you won't have to suffer the weight of regret.
from rhetoric :
not pathetic at all to want honest interaction, to be wanted.
from lostasyou :
Happy belated(I think?) birthday! I am glad it was as good as it sounds :) xxxxxxxxx
from fairybones :
happy birthday, doll! hope your day is extra lovely, and that 22 will be your greatest year yet. <3
from puresunsh1ne :
i sleep with tons of pillows and i am very rarely lonely or depressed. i believe it is an indication of liking to be comfortable while you're asleep?
from puresunsh1ne :
don't feel bad, i am literally failing my physiology class right now and i am only three weeks in. you'll be okay. you are going to be fine, tia. and don't be scared of anything. don't worry about working out almost every day of the week. just go and if you don't feel like going one day, say fuck it and don't go. but just remember to go the next day. feel me? and seeing eric was shitty luck. but we will get blistered drunk this weekend and you'll forget it ever happened. i love you.
from rhetoric :
i spent a few days at wustl years ago. forgive me for saying so if you were intent on going there but the people i met were incredibly pretentious. you're much better than that.
from fairybones :
haha, thanks. some of those memories are just so fun for me to share now that i am a grown up, because ten years ago i would've cringed to think of anyone else knowing. now, i just cherish those stories like crazy. it's weird how our perceptions of ourselves change over time like that, i think it's why i decided to make that entry in the first place, mostly for my own amusement. <3
from kateness :
thank you! i love knowing there is movement in the diaryland world: so glad you're here too.
from innocentspy :
Just stay the way you are. You don't need to change. As the way we are, we need to be accepted that way and then only we will be content with ourselves because it will make us feel we exist.
from lostasyou :
Aw thank you! You too! *blush* I'm not charming x
from tinea :
thanks!!
from rhetoric :
there are worse things than not getting what we want. not that i realize that yet. maybe we'll get to read some of your stories at some point..
from cut-therain :
and i love you. :)
from rhetoric :
racquetball is a ridiculous sport, but so fun. and, and feels like a sauna at times. off the back wall, very cool.
from puresunsh1ne :
no, he isn't.
from puresunsh1ne :
hahaha i was on the phone with jordan and texting you and telling you both what to say to each other last night (for the most part). i was rolling. anyway, your house sounds awesome. please let me live there also. you are the best friend in the world, by the way. to everyone. i love you.
from cymbals :
i think we write each others entries sometimes.
from rhetoric :
no matter what you decide to do regarding classes, push through the last few months. it will be worth it on the other side.
from aryssa90 :
would you mind if I had the password please? Thanks!
from lostasyou :
Boyfriend! ^_^ I'm glad you had a great New Years, you deserve to be happy :) x
from puresunsh1ne :
i am really sorry, that is really shitty.
from cymbals :
i think it's sort of funny and serendipitous that on something as random as diaryland i can find so many feeling-twins. x
from cymbals :
i'd like your password plz.
from tinea :
and i love this entry! you're always so positive and rah rah. it's awesome.
from lostasyou :
:D x
from rhetoric :
thank you. i deleted the message. your secret is safe.
from rhetoric :
if you wish to share, i'd like to read.
from rhetoric :
i don't know who you are, but thanks. i appreciated the kind word.
from lostasyou :
Thanks, pretty :) sorry about that, I am prone to go a bit loopy sometimes. It's okay.
from lostasyou :
It'll get better :) I want in, please! [email protected] - I think that's it. I only use it for DL purposes haha.
from tinea :
me too please: [email protected]
from incshrnkmn :
Password please: [email protected]
from fairybones :
i want a password too! [email protected] <3
from lostasyou :
Don't goooooo
from aryssa90 :
If you lock up or move could you email me your info? [email protected]. :)
from lostasyou :
<3 thank you.. you live and learn, i guess xx
from lostasyou :
*hug* I feel so stupid and horrible. I had such a big amount of fun and I enjoyed myself but now I'm being made to feel like the worst person ever. And knowing he's been with someone else makes me feel awful.. We're both tempted to crawl back to each other because we were talking about it and I KNOW, I know it's so bad and it wouldn't work. But I don't think we want either of us to be with anyone else. It's so difficult and ardjvdjg. I don't know what to do just yet. I need to just clear my head and remember that it was for the best, and whatever happens.. happens. Thank you xxxx
from lostasyou :
I will stay positive :) thanks x
from puresunsh1ne :
i'm a sagittarius, we're good people.
from cut-therain :
this is gonna be a good year for you, tia danielle. i love ya so.
from lostasyou :
It is really weird! x
from lostasyou :
<3 x
from aryssa90 :
I hope you don't mind if I add you and I'm glad you got back safely :)
from lostasyou :
Hmm I dunno. London just makes me think of a big rush. Everyone's in a hurry. I've never even been "clubbing" in London, I don't think it's really my scene though.. Shopping trips and gigs is what I go there for! Aw cool :) glad you've enjoyed your stay, I actually thought you'd probably hate it hahaha.
from lostasyou :
Do you really think it's a beautiful place? I must have completely different eyes ;) hahah. I remember being dragged to the Tate Modern last year. It was massive.. I didn't really understand anything in there so I tried to get drunk instead, how typical. Also whereabouts were you in Cambridge? I only went to a certain part on for my 20th birthday weekend, was too lazy (and hungover) to actually explore. It's nice there though, definitely :) x
from aryssa90 :
from what I've read, you have the BEST taste in music (and stores) ever. I love modcloth and the avett brothers!
from puresunsh1ne :
i would like to see you before you move back to murray.
from lostasyou :
<3 !!
from lostasyou :
Haha oh god I'm so sorry! Ignore me, I was just drunk as s skunk. I had a dream about you last night.. Well, they claimed to be "loveherwell from diaryland" hahaha. You were in London and I was searching for someone on the train and you popped up like HI. Hahah, how random..
from fairybones :
ohh i hope you'll love ireland very much! anyway, i was just reading your latest entry and i wanted to say that i'm genuinely really glad for you that your summer has been going so well and that it's been so exciting and different, because you seemed like you really needed (and really deserved) this. it's noticeable how much you've been changing, you just sound really happy and carefree a lot more often, and that makes me feel really good for you. you're going to do well for yourself, i just know it! so, yeah... i just really really wanted to tell you that, and i hope you won't think i'm a total weirdo for blabbing on like this. because even though i'm usually pretty quiet over diaryland and don't really leave many notes for anyone, it doesn't mean i'm not reading or paying attention, or that i don't care. i definitely do care, i'm just shy sometimes!
from fairybones :
i'm terrible, i know! but thank you for the congratulations, lovely. oh, ps, where in ireland will you be visiting?
from puresunsh1ne :
love you more.
from stepfordtart :
SQUEEEEEE! Fun weekend - be sure to wave at me as you go along the south coast to Stonehenge! s x
from puresunsh1ne :
we have new people at walgreens and at first i wanted to be friends, but now i'm doing everything i possibly can to make one of the guys hate me. because i decided he bugs me.
from stepfordtart :
Welcome to England!!! If you really want to feel a part of the culture, dont say 'british accent' - such a thing doesnt/cant exist because we're all either English, Scottish, Welsh or Northern Irish and we're all so different. Its kind of a teeny bit offensive to all of us (only a teeny bit - you havent committed some hideous social faux pas or anything!), I guess in the same way it would be to say someone from Canada has an 'American' accent. I hope you have a brilliant time while you're here (sorry - havent read enough of your diary to get the full story!) and that your trip is everything you want it to be. s x
from puresunsh1ne :
it's fucking nasty, that's what happened to the apartment.
from puresunsh1ne :
miss you, sorry you have bad food but happy you have good dorm! love.
from fairybones :
hi, i just wanted to leave you a little note wishing you luck on your trip to london. i hope you enjoy yourself silly and make tons of great memories. <3
from jaysthoughts :
I understand.
from tinea :
hey! i didn't forget about those recipes. here we go: escarole & white bean soup with rustic croutons; chicken salad milanese (i make those two together usually); chicken saute with lemon, cumin, and parsley; fettuccine with chicken, goat cheese, and spinach; and finally, stir-fried noodles with chicken, mushrooms, and green beans (not available on the finecooking website, but it's on recipe.com). i put these in order of least to most ambitious if you don't cook often, but they're all still super easy. they're all both so easy and delicious that i make them all the time! i hope you enjoy, and good luck!
from fairybones :
aw, i didn't get to read your note until after she gave birth, but thanks so much. everything did go well, and both my sister and niece are doing great. <3
from tinea :
re: learning how to cook, check out finecooking.com. the recipes are descriptive and easy to follow whether you're experienced or not, and in the back of the magazines (if you can get your hands on one) or on the website, there are a TON of how-to's that teach you the basics. like the real basics of pretty much everything, from how to properly chop to how to butterfly a chicken to blanching vegetables. people tell me i'm a phenomenal cook and ask how i learned to do it so well, and i just tell them there are two simple answers: i can read a recipe, and i practice a LOT. (if you can't tell, i'm REALLY passionate about cooking. if you want any suggestions or anything, don't be afraid to ask <3)
from puresunsh1ne :
i've felt that before too, more often than you might think. but tia, people do like you. a lot of people like you (besides sue ellen and i and your family). i promise. love.
from bliss-sad :
Whoever you are, I wish I could give you a big giant hug and assure you that you are the exact opposite of all of that. Sending you love!
from puresunsh1ne :
what does that even mean?????
from cut-therain :
you will. i promise.
from puresunsh1ne :
1.) don't go to bowling green with eric. 2.) get drunk with me when i get back from florida, oh PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE. i think it'd be fun. 3.) i think there was a third but i got distracted.
from puresunsh1ne :
i am sorry that you are so unhappy. i wish i could just make it all better!
from fairybones :
alright, it's been left it up to you, i'll read dorian grey first! well, just as soon as i finish the book i'm reading right now. <3
from puresunsh1ne :
break ups are shit because something is broken, but they also give you the opportunity for something better. don't forget that.
from puresunsh1ne :
you go where you want to go.
from omfggwtf :
come to england and drink beer with me like a man. it's really fun, until the next day. but still, do it! xx
from puresunsh1ne :
i can proudly say i was hungover when i got my drivers license renewed, LOL. i look proud too ahahhaa i'll show you sunday.
from omfggwtf :
yeah next time i'll probably say something if i get the courage haha x
from omfggwtf :
hah! i always do this :| i get paranoid about something, or go a bit mad, then i do this overdramatic nonsense and then after the red mist descends, i feel really stupid.. maybe i'll leave it a while longer and then reappear and say sorry.. oops! and yeah same, it's annoying x
from omfggwtf :
i gather it was you who left me that message ;)! well, if it wasn't then sorry hahaha. don't want tumblr to know about dl, 'cos it's too private.. but yeah.. i can't make another account on dl for some reason, so i sorta went over there 'cos i feel stupid writing in here at the moment..
from puresunsh1ne :
i currently hate running most days, but that's only because i didn't run much through november and december and now i'm slow. but i keep running for the days i know i'll love to run. you just gotta keep that in your head, or you'll forget and quit. anyway, i love you.
from thisisjohn :
love well, the Avett Bros.
from omfggwtf :
ooh, i just finished it. didn't quite expect that to happen at the end, haha. poor charlie.
from fairybones :
hey thanks, sugar. that's so sweet of you to say!
from omfggwtf :
Ha hmm I dunno. Nowadays there's not much two way fighting, it's mainly me going crazy over my latest paranoid issue, and he leaves me to it. I don't blame him 'cos it's not him, it's just me. Just wish I knew how to stop being such a fruitloop!
from puresunsh1ne :
we're having a new years' party, so that's what you can do.
from omfggwtf :
:)!
from omfggwtf :
just had a look.. goodreads looks almost identical, ha! ooooooh.
from omfggwtf :
ahh i feel good knowing i've picked some good'uns ;)! i've been looking at more today.. i'm seriously going to be spending a lot of money on books if i get my way, ohh ��������. what website is that? i have a goodreads account, that's about as far as it goes for book sites ahah.
from omfggwtf :
you locked it :( noo.
from cut-therain :
locked??????????
from tinea :
thank you. time really does fly when you're having fun.
from omfggwtf :
stumbled on here 'cos of recent entries, and would i be able to add you, if you don't mind? i'd like to read more! xo.
from puresunsh1ne :
fartlek! i'm proud of you. =)
from starscream77 :
Some of your entries made me want to cry - but I'm emotional as it is anyways. I hear so much despair, but hope too in our entries. I just hope you find what you deserve.
from fairybones :
hmm, i don't know where to send the password to you. i noticed you have shelfari though... could you perhaps send me a private message on there so i can send it to you that way? -- http://www.shelfari.com/fairybones/messages

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