messages to newschick:
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from whystinger :
I just dropped in to see how you were. Any updates?
from dirtyboots :
Shit, that's full scary. All the best. Glad you're feeling better. My grandma can kinda relate. She had malaria for 50 years and someone finally figured it out.
from annanotbob2 :
Fuck. I am reeling with shock and so glad you're still here to tell the tale. Biggest of big hugs xxx
from dangerspouse :
Oh my god. Look who's back from the dead! Er...only to announce she's probably leaving for good. Shoot. I really liked your writing style and stories. And fuck all those people who say "you gotta do what makes you happy blah blah blah". It's all about US, not you! Don't go!! *sob* Oh yeah, and that Rogue really is a nice vehicle, isn't it? So comfy! I'm sorry you had to get rid of yours. Remind me to send another Thank You card to Dr. Vasectomy.... ;)
from cloudy-night :
It is strange. You are the second person on D-Land to say that the internet has become a bore. I watch so much YouTube that I can't agree, but I just watch mindless things in order to fill the silence.
from glorycloud :
If you are happy and do not feel need to journal than stop-I love to write so I write-glad all is well with you-peace
from whystinger :
Getting rid of the kid's toys... I haven't had kids, but I observed my sister and my folks. My folks, especially my Mom would buy the kids toys. For some reason she liked to buy cheap plastic shit toys and they would clutter my sister's house. I think Mom was overjoyed with the Grand kids and started to spoil them and my Sis tried to rein her in, so she switched to the cheap shit, trying to justify it, "oh, come on it's just s cheap toy for them." My sister finally got tired and started tossing them out - the kids NEVER missed the missing excess toys. Sis didn't toss the few that the kids played with. Second strategy was she started sending the toys to Mom's house, saying "let her get her house cluttered." I think that helped calm down the toy buying.
from glorycloud :
Glad yo wrote something-I have been wondering how things were going in your life-peace Jonny
from whystinger :
Glad to see that you had the time to update. I cannot bitch because I have beep spread pretty thin since my move.
from annanotbob2 :
Lovely, lovely entry. This is the most demanding time - you will have energy again - it will never be as intense as this again - drink in that precious joy xxx
from whystinger :
You updated! Yay! No pressure as I know hat your time is really spoken for with three kids. It is just good to see that your are well!
from dirtyboots :
Congratulations on the twins! I'm saving up season 2 of Serial for the big binge. God luck with the twins. I'm finding one guy super tiring.
from whystinger :
Congratulations!
from dangerspouse :
How do you land a gig with PATH? I'll just take a guess that Bernie has contacts at the administration, since he works for a traffic service. He's also a bit of a traffic geek (to put it mildly) so I'm sure he was up all all the various projects they were working on. On the other hand, you never know what kind of side projects you'll land in this business. Did you know that for about 3 years I was also the "voice" of A&P Supermarkets? Just kinda stumbled into it - wasn't searching it out at all. LOL @ Bernie and the Rubber Duckies! (Great band name, right?) In my previous gig I was once pegged to be...wait for it yourself...the MC of the SUSSEX COUNTY FARM AND HORSE SHOW TURTLE RACE! Oh my GOD did I have fun with that, too. Since each race lasted, oh, 7 or 8 years, I got to really let loose on mic and vamp my ass off with all kinds of silliness that wouldn't fly on-air. And I'm not even a Cranforpudlian!
from annanotbob2 :
Yay! Congratulations and best wishes to you all xxx
from dangerspouse :
Twin girls, huh? I see a photospread in Hustler in 18 years in their future. Well done! OMG - you met Bernie?! That's even MORE exciting! Two interesting factoids about Mr. W, other than having a name ripe for mockery: he is a serious germaphobe (I bet he didn't even shake your hand), and he's the voice of the PATH train intercom. Which is why I can't stand riding PATH trains any more - it's like being at work when I hear him.
from glorycloud :
glad to read you and the babies are doing fine/also the little fella and husband-the Lord is good!
from dangerspouse :
Drive to JFK? In your condition?? Can you even get a seatbelt around that gut of yours (and them/theirs)? Jeez. Wow. Hang in there, tubby!
from dangerspouse :
Could you by any chance think to post a pic of that OB resident next time? Thanks.
from whystinger :
How are you and the twins doing?
from raven72d :
14 years! That's amazing. For me...well, I came aboard in June 2002.
from whystinger :
So the twins are messing with you now... "Come on, lets go here and see what we can find. Hey, lets poke our heads..."
from dirtyboots :
Thanks for the placating words about baby size. I hope your little guys are staying put as long as possible!
from silver4 :
Eek...hoping that they stay in there a little longer!! As I was reading I was like no wait she can't be delivering already!!
from annanotbob2 :
I keep a bit of a cheerful profile on facebook and that, even when I'm almost overwhelmed with grief for the loss of my daughter but I find it impossible to communicate with real people in the real world. Two months isn't long - you're being a good friend x
from julymalaise :
I'll miss you too, but I promise to be around and read the journals and diaries and keep up to date with everyone. I just won't be writing regularly just now. But I will return to writing here eventually. :)
from whystinger :
Tossing out the journals? Clearing out the clutter to make room for change in your life? That is healthy and I need to do the same some day soon... Cheers to you.
from glorycloud :
Glad you are enjoying your new home. May the Lord richly bless!
from whystinger :
Thanks so much for the note. It helps. I think I actually did well on the $$ part and I am not angry about it like EVERYONE told me I would be. I didn't even second guess it much. IT blows my mind that I have to shoulder more of the expense (till the house sells) and yet, I'm not always broke. Soon things will be better.
from whystinger :
I should have waited to catch up on your diary before leaving a note... OMG! I have been staying in an Extended Stay Hotel in FL. I have somewhat an idea of what you are going through...
from whystinger :
Thanks! I have several pages that I wrote during the heat of the battle, from between when I shut the diary down until I re-opened. Thinking of posting those enties, got to figure a way to do it and make sense... Those entries were more disorganized and I had trouble sitting and writing.
from whystinger :
Congratulations!
from dangerspouse :
Twins? I dunno, kiddo. You're turning into a human puppy mill. You sure you wouldn't rather raise sea monkeys or something?
from theways :
congrats!! xx
from bantenhut :
Ahhh! Congratulations on your twins, that's wonderful! XD
from annanotbob2 :
Wowsers! Congratulations, steady as you go, all that kind of thing xxx
from dangerspouse :
So where are you thinking of moving TO? Are you pulling up stakes entirely; home, hearth, kit and job, and heading out of state to some new adventure? Whatever it is, best of luck! I hope you at least find a kitchen to your liking :)
from silver4 :
Umm that's amazing!!! Congrats on your kid's modeling gigs and scoring the big name spots!! Super exciting :)
from dirtyboots :
I think the whole baby model thing sounds super exciting!
from dangerspouse :
Hey hey, thanks for the great note! My ego, already out of control inflated, is now in danger of taking over the entire neighborhood. But I love it! Lol...and I am absolutely adoring your fearless, furious youthful diatribes!! God, it's such a panacea after wading through diary after diary filled with bland pap (not naming any names, of course). Spunk rocks! Oscar Wilde was right about being called "boring", and you're in no danger of that at all :)
from dangerspouse :
"I don't have a bad attitude, I just know reality." The anthem of angst ridden youth everywhere, every era! You're a brave, brave girl for sharing this :)
from dangerspouse :
Don't kid yourself. You look fucking amazing every day. This is the internet, remember.
from julymalaise :
You could donate your journals if you don't want to get rid of them or not let it fall into your kids' hands when you get older. But I don't believe you should throw them out, they are part of who you are and no matter how bad they are, it's still a piece of you. But in those journals, they are the pieces of your growth, so why demolish the foundations that you have build up on? That's the way I see my journals because I have questioned myself on what to do with my journals when it is time to go, but I wouldn't throw them away because they are the building blocks of what I am today.
from papotheclown :
Thank you for the incredibly kind and helpful words. I really needed to hear them.
from bantenhut :
"ready to buy me some ATTIRE." - Hah! I loved this line, especially! If you're living up there, you NEED some fecking attire. Way to go you for changing the way you relate to people! It's the little things that count, and when you can see those changes in yourself, it's a beautiful thing. :)
from dangerspouse :
Snuggles the Corgus! What a great name. I'm sure you have wonderful memories also. Thanks for the note :)
from dangerspouse :
Oh man. I'm sorry you had to go through a similar experience, losing your Jack Russel. I really am. Grieving a pet is not just a First World luxury, either. Losing a loved one, no matter the species, is universally traumatic I imagine. Thanks for the note, and I hope your advice helps you also.
from jondavid2010 :
I liked your latest entry. It's very good for me to read your perspectives on these things. I rarely speak or interact with people like yourself otherwise. The rare times I do, I don't get to hear honesty and vulnerability like this. I do want to offer a piece of encouragement, however. You say that you didn't become who you are, or do what you do by your own effort, but because of privilege. I do understand your perspective. However, it is not incorrect to recognize that you have done things, and made decisions, to get to where you are, as well. Privilege put you many steps ahead of someone else's starting line, but that doesn't mean you didn't run to stay in the front of the race. From the best I can discern, it sounds like you did well in school. You probably had a lot of privilege that helped you do well. However, you could have closed your books, smoked drugs, and skipped class. But you didn't. Your privilege means that you have lot further to fall to homelessness, but that doesn't mean you could never be there. I meet people every day in my ministry that basically stumbled into homelessness because of a string of terrible circumstances, beginning with birth. But then, I also occasionally meet homeless people who were once educated professionals. There are fewer of them (probably about 20 to 1), which shows their privilege, but they are there. And you are not. You are right to recognize that much of what you have is a circumstance of your birth, but you needn't entirely disregard your own efforts as well. Similarly, your perspective is good when it comes to the less privileged, and will help save you from being judgmental. You are right to be grateful for what you have. But even all that "stuff" doesn't necessarily put you ahead. It's the gratitude and the satisfaction that allows you to be truly human. And that didn't come with your stuff. Most people in my church probably make in a year (or a few) what you make in month (or for some, a week). Many of them express the same sentiments as you do in this post, an incredible gratitude for what they do have and who they are. You are right not to pity them. Anyway, thankyou for your writing. Like I said, it is good for me.
from dangerspouse :
11 inches by nightfall ultimately, with 3 more falling in the wee hours afterwards. It was well over the corgi. LOL! Xanadu! I actually come down Rt.3 East and exit off right before that Dada-ist nightmare. If fact, our studios look right out over it, and Giants stadium. I don't envy YOUR view at all.
from jondavid2010 :
Last night, in my city, at the lowest, it dipped to -40. That's when it is the same in both Celsius and Fahrenheit. By mid morning it was a balmy -4 Fahrenheit again.
from jondavid2010 :
Yesterday it was -4 degrees fahrenheit in my city, and I walked past snow drifts as high as my waist.
from dangerspouse :
I know, right? Is this weather insane, or what? Just a few days ago I thought I'd woken up in Guam, and this afternoon I drove home on the set of "March of the Penguins". Crazy! Up here at DangerHouse, btw, we do indeed have land (not throwing daggers at you at all, btw. It's a bazooka.) But that land is at an elevation of around 1500 feet, give or take a basketball court. That makes a huge difference in snow accumulation. When I left work this afternoon in Rutherford there was maybe an inch on the ground. When I pulled into my (newly wife-shoveled) driveway, it was already 9 inches. And it's not done yet. So there are advantages to living in urban blight, you see. Take heart. And a good winter coat :)
from glorycloud :
Well I suppose being a full time Mom is better than working and writing in Diaryland-peace
from glorycloud :
You have not written in a long time-how are things going? Being a Mom etc. . . peace Jonny
from glorycloud :
You have not written in a long time-how are things going? Being a Mom etc. . . peace Jonny
from whystinger :
Welcome back! I lived in NJ a while ago, not far from where Dangerspouse lives in NY...
from jaysthoughts :
Greetings.
from dangerspouse :
Good lord. You take off for 7 weeks to spawn, and all you can do when you get back is bitch about interior decorating? Jesus. Chicks. I'll have you know my own little humble abode has 2 bathrooms (3 if you count the garage), air conditioning, and enough different wall colors that it feels like I'm living in a Mexican sarape. Oh, and I have an actual human sized kitchen also (didja see my veggie terrine? produced there, baby). So if you ever really, really, absolutely have to have a large cooking space for some silly mommy-project, c'mon up and have at it. Bring the kid, too. My corgi needs someone his size to play with.
from glorycloud :
You have not posted in awhile-hope all is well-hope your new born is thriving-peace
from dangerspouse :
Hey! It's been weeks since I've been online, so I missed the good news. CONGRATULATIONS! What else can I say? Way to go, mom! I hope you bask in a glorious afterglow for a long, long time. Like, forever :)
from peggypenny :
sorry, it's not a joke or a scam. I really need a news person. Peggy
from peggypenny :
Hi. I have been searching for a person who writes news because I have a news story that I do not know how to tell. peggypenny@yahoo.com I don't want to put it on these public notes. Sincerely, Peggy Penny
from whystinger :
Congratulations! This is awesome news!
from julymalaise :
Congratulations about the baby!!! So cool that you got a chance to write about it and detail the events! Blessings to your new family and to the baby as well :)
from crowbelle :
Congrats to all 3 of you! Glad you blogged it down...you can pull it up for him when he's old enough to read, which should be in about 3 months, right? Happy Birthday to you little guy!
from jondavid2010 :
Amazing! Congratulations!
from annanotbob2 :
Way hey!! Congratulations and big hugs and happy dances and all that malarkey! Nothing better. So glad all went well xxxxx
from theways :
You must be a mommy by now, I wish you and your little family all the best. Been reading you for 10 years, you've had quite the journey! I hope your little dude brings you all the joys you wished for :)
from silver4 :
Happy Mother's Day! You have to be due soon if not already delivered!! And congrats if so :)
from lostasyou :
Hi, thanks for the note, I really appreciate it :) it's a tough old world aye?! Haha.. I am still struggling. I think I have been sober about 3 times in an entire month. Awful. Ah well. I will eventually get it sorted, I'm sure of it. Thanks again x
from papotheclown :
First, forgive me for taking so long to respond to your note. Second, thank you so much for the encouragement. Despite all of my uncertainty, I am going to continue pursuing my doctorate. Uncertainty is a part of any life, I might as well be pursuing what I love.
from jondavid2010 :
Yeah, you'll do fine. Everything about new parenthood is a bit of a shock to begin with, so its always a temptation to go with the path of least resistance (disposables are easier in an immediate sense). But I get the strong impression from your journal that you and your hubs are strong-willed folk who do what they determine to do. You'll find the rhythm and you'll do fine.
from jondavid2010 :
We used cloth diapers and reusable wipes on twins. Don't believe the critics. If it can work for twins, it can certainly work for a singleton. I very, very highly recommend Bum Genius. One diaper transforms to all sizes, so both our kids used them from newborn all the way to potty training. Ours came with velcro, but I know they now come with snaps. I recommend the snaps, as the velcro was the first thing to go on ours. However, when the velcro did go (because of massive overuse from twins), Bum Genius sent us 19 replacements, *and* 19 "refresher" kits of velcro in case it ever happened again. The first was covered by warranty, but the second was just because they're amazing. Make sure you follow laundering directions carefully. We always did, but were warned by my brother who did not, and ruined the diapers. I think they're about $20 each. If you buy twenty, you'll make that money back in less than two months. btw, expect to change diapers 10x/day+ to begin with, so ten diapers is way at the bottom of a bare minimum.
from whystinger :
I need to get back to Yoga. This time, I will take notes and begin the practice at home... Funny, but some of the exercises the physical therapist has me doing are some stretches we did in Yoga class. Love the entry.
from annanotbob2 :
I love that entry about yoga. I'm evangelical about yoga for all the same reasons - so pleased you have found that place. I'm almost there - beautiful room at the Buddhist centre, nice practice, but the teacher is a bit of a knob. Not enough to stop it being a great class, but I could live without the sight of him preening about in his microscopic satin shorts. xx
from atwowaydream :
If so, Godspeed my young soldier. Godspeed.
from jondavid2010 :
Happy birthday to your dog. :)
from jondavid2010 :
Congratulations!
from jondavid2010 :
So is it a boy or a girl?
from dangerspouse :
I wish I could hunker down! But it's 2am and I now have to make the 50 mile trek to work right through the teeth of this blizzard. I wish I hadn't been so flip about it on my blog now. I WANT TO COWER!! (I enjoyed your 2013-in-a-nutshell. If I drive off the road and die tonight, that'll be one of my last memories :)
from whystinger :
My paternal Grandfather came from Krakow, or near it. I have it written down somewhere.
from dangerspouse :
I'm tellin' ya, chick. That ain't "his manhood" you saw. It's a hypertrophic clit. I know. I've seen a lot of them in movies. And on my sisters.
from dangerspouse :
Nuh-uh. Girl. Betcha 5 bucks.
from dangerspouse :
LOL! People in New Jersey plant trees everywhere because they think it will make it look like they're not in New Jersey. (Yeah, my wife does put up with a lot. But...I cook! That trumps the odd instances of insanity. Or so I like to think.) BTW, you're having a girl.
from whystinger :
Your trip sounds awesome! I would love to go to Poland and some other parts. I figure I would need a few trips over a few years. Poland/Eastern Europe one time, Great Britain another trip and then...
from dangerspouse :
WELCOME BACK! Sounds like a muy fabuloso trip. So did you convince any of the locals that you needed turkey with your rasols on Thanksgiving?
from dangerspouse :
Pffffffffffff. Being preggers didn't stop MY mom from slamming back her hourly cosmopolitan, and I came out almost ok. You're just falling prey to the modern hyper-protective nonsense being spewed out by...wait, what was I saying? Anyway, yeah. Puppies!
from dangerspouse :
Oh yeah, if you do make the chili vodka...spicy Bloody Mary's! Just sayin'.
from dangerspouse :
Pineapple habanero jelly! OMG, what a great sounding combination! That's fantastic to hear you went for it, and it came out good. YOU rock, faux southern belle :)
from dangerspouse :
Ooo, habaneros! Lucky girl! Ok, assuming you're not looking for recipes but rather preservation suggestions, here's what I would do: first, mail off half of them to me. I'm very generous when it comes to helping people dispense with surplus foodstuffs. With the other half, I would immediately take one or two of the suckers while they're still fresh and make habanero infused vodka. You don't need many, and they don't have to soak long as the flavor and heat compounds are pretty volatile in alcohol...and every other medium for that matter. Seriously, this won't be like a months-long limoncello homebrew. We're talking 1 - 3 days, tops. I would also make up various condiment sauces: habanero salsa, habanero chutney (Indian and/or Caribbean) with lots of bright fruits, and something like a smooth habanero mustard or chili paste. Even a really hot mole, if you want to go to the trouble of making your own. All of those will last for quite a while. With the holidays coming up, I'd even consider going out on a culinary limb and doing something like grinding some dried peppers into powder and using it as the base of a coating for hot-and-spicy nuts (pecans or whatever). (Watch the fun when your guests rub their eyes afterwards!) Anyway, those are just a couple of things off the top of my head. If you'd like more I'll think harder. Just let me know :)
from glorycloud :
Simpatico Coffee-my wife and I have been drinking Simpatico coffee for over two years-we really enjoy this coffee-give it a try-hope you are doing well and have a great vacation.
from dangerspouse :
You're quite welcome. I exist to serve. :)
from akasha90 :
i really hope to. i'm crossing my fingers. :)
from dangerspouse :
That makes me feel a LOT better. THANKS! And good to know about the polymorphous perverse nature of female self-satisfaction, too. I always wondered why both my wife's hands smelled. (AUUGH!! You take the Pulaski Skyway! For the love of Traffic Jesus, woman, don't tempt fate - buy a helicopter or something. ANYTHING but that bridge! I'd even rather walk.)
from glorycloud :
staring at the walls-I stare into space a lot in my old age-hope is well
from silver4 :
What?!?!? It costs that much for day care??? Geez! I knew it was pricey but I didn't think that much... I'm in shock. Good luck!
from dangerspouse :
Did you like grilled cheese before, or is this one of those cravings you've only ever had since getting pregnant? More importantly though: did you end up throwing it up? That would be an incredible waste, and just cause for terminating the pregnancy if it becomes a habit. Just saying. Anyone can have a kid. Not everyone is blessed with access to grilled cheese sandwiches.
from dangerspouse :
Thanks for the great - and supportive - notes at my place! I had to laugh at your "Irish by insertion" anecdote. When my Irish background wife first came out I took her to Little Italy for San Genaro. She bought a t-shirt that said "Italian By Injection". (She could gone for the more demure "IBM: Italian By Marriage", but she doesn't do demure.) Glad you think breastfeeding is normal. I expect to read all the oozing details of your own adventures in months to come. (And did you know there's an Entemann's outlet in Wayne, near the Willowbrook Mall? Mecca!) :)
from jondavid2010 :
Finally caught up since August. So happy for you.
from jondavid2010 :
sorry newschick. I didn't know you didn't have it (or is this your first request to be a reader...) email me at jondavidbirss@gmail.com and i'll message back with it.
from shewholies :
"no topic comes to my head except the growing focking blob of cells inside me". You just became my hero.
from dangerspouse :
And you actually actively sought this new life out, right?
from dangerspouse :
Awwww, thanks! And I'm sure you're going to be soulmates with Mr. Hankey too - if you can get over the resentment of not being allowed to get pukey drunk on a regular basis :)
from annanotbob2 :
Congratulations! A new person - how exciting! xx
from crowbelle :
"Diana Nyad" -- ooops.
from crowbelle :
Well Congratulations. Glad it finally worked for you and I hope you have twins, as well. Two-for-the-price of one... get it all overwith in one fell swoop. Maybe colleges will give you a discount when they are 18 and you have to fork over your bank account to educate them. Good luck with this. (BTW, did you see that Diana Nystadt has almost completed her big swim?)
from bantenhut :
Aw, that does sound rough. Caffeine, yeahhh! Have you tried black tea with some milk? I'm guessing yes, since you lived in Ireland... do they do that there? ANYWAY -- black tea with milk has a strangely coffeelike persona, and you could drink more of it, because it has less caffeine. Glad the virgin drink was tasty, and that the headaches aren't bad. :)
from lostasyou :
Congratulations :) x
from bantenhut :
Congratulations! And, quite a fun entry to read. :) Hope you're having one of those pleasant, non-moody days!
from glorycloud :
our daughter Beth recently found out she is with child-will be our first grandchild-may the Lord bless!
from dangerspouse :
So let's see: you're finally successful in your attempt to bring another child in a world that already has too many of them, and it will now have the pleasure of being raised by a moody, angry, and ceaselessly nauseated parent who will force them to bed before all the good shows come on. Congratulations!! (Lol...that was all in jest obviously, but I thought I'd point it out anyway in case you were on one of your moody/angry jags.) :)
from silver4 :
Congratulations!! :) :)
from dangerspouse :
Even a posh doctor with her gadgets and science and test tubes and cool equipment and drugs and impeccable timing couldn't get ME pregnant either. So what chance do you have? (BTW, care to post any of those vids from the magic wand camera? Just, uh, curious about the technology.) Best of luck with Round-2. Report back when you get the results, willya? Seriously, good luck.
from bantenhut :
Yep, still in atx. Never imagined I'd be here this long!
from silverluna :
I am at the point where I want to cook for myself and experiment with foods that are healthy and filling. I'm glad you're enjoying your food!
from bantenhut :
Hey, lady! I just read this: "i'm by no means 'there'. but i'm on the road i know i'm supposed to be on." - This was timely, just brought me to tears. Thank you for being so honest!
from dangerspouse :
Hey, I don't know if you need it or not, but this was one of my news stories this morning: "(Hoboken, NJ) -- The City of Hoboken is offering city hall as a cooling center in this stifling heat and humidity. Mayor Dawn Zimmer says the ground floor conference room of city hall, at 94 Washington Street, is available until 5 p.m. today. Zimmer says sprinklers and water features are also available for cooling off at Church Square Park, Jackson Street Park, Madison Park, Elysian Park, Stevens Park, Pier A, Pier C and Columbus Park." Don't overdo the dog walks, chica!
from dangerspouse :
Oh my gosh, I find that so sad! I'm a guy who grew up believing that "Food=Joy" was one of the basic laws of nature, up there with conservation of mass and hydrodynamics. (Maybe that's why I became a chef later.) The thought of someone equating food with angst just throws me for a loop. I know it's very real for you. I'm glad you're making progress, and I hope someday you can get to the point were you consider foodstuffs a carefree pleasure, simple and uncomplicated. Like I do! And don't worry, you won't go "slopping along the dredges of fat america". Like I do!
from dangerspouse :
I *am* an ass. I've never played Candy Crush in my life :)
from jondavid2010 :
Glad you're back. Loved the entry on the crosswalk.
from dangerspouse :
BWAHAHAHAAAAAA! 104. Loser! (What was that about babies? Never mind - gotta get through level THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN before I make dinner.)
from college-kid :
Texas is bittersweet. I love it to death, but I hate the weather. We should be fortunate this state has blessed us with such amazing personalities, though! Hook 'em!
from dangerspouse :
She was probably a SOONER, the beyotch! Man oh man. "Welcome to New Jersey. Now go home." You should take a Sunday drive out to the horse country of Central Jersey sometime, or a jaunt up to the wooded hill country of Sussex and Warren counties. When my wife first moved out here and was homesick for the Ozarks, that's what we'd do. Where you are is Jersey Stereotype Central Casting Supreme. At least you have to guns and Texas 'tude on your side. Yay, GUNS! (And yes, 10 years from now you will be fucking your hubby on a new sofa. That's the law.) Thanks for the note, and welcome back :)
from dangerspouse :
Hey c'mon. I put up all these new entries JUST FOR YOU, and now you're gone! Don't do this to a fellow (sister?) corgi lover!
from dangerspouse :
Got it. Skin fits. Hooray! Now get it to type.
from jondavid2010 :
Good to hear. Good to have you back. Don't remember if I gave you the new user/pass. jondavidbirss@gmail.com if you want it.
from jondavid2010 :
email jondavidbirss@gmail.com for user/pass
from jondavid2010 :
I'm caught up and reading regularly again. I was gone about a month.
from glorycloud :
a late Happy Birthday!
from cordeliameg :
Just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your diary and feel like I can relate to some of what you say. Take care, okay?
from igotsprung :
If it helps any I know exactly how you feel (I think) -- about being a failure because you're (semi?) recovered and not as thin as you used to be? Although objectively you are still thin? I'm 33 and it has been a long time since I was a defiant 176-17-18-19-20-year-old anorexic but that defiant anorexic is yammering in my ear all the time. I just want to offer you company -- no advice except to remember that you'd probably lose everything and everyone you have if you went back down that road again.
from fightn4life :
Hey, thaks for the e-mail...just mighthave been my new inspiration to start writing in my diary again. Loved your entry about the tiny little pill and why i might have got an email from you. :) Thanks again..looking forward to back tracking an seeing some of your older entries. Missed reading your words as well. Sandyz
from jondavid2010 :
Hope you enjoyed your time in our cozy little country.
from dangerspouse :
You sound like you need a stupid joke. Or maybe not. Either way, you're getting one: Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You steer, I'll aim the gun."
from dangerspouse :
HA! "Dictate/dictator" - good one! Hey listen, I used to live right above you on Palisade Ave. in Jersey City. Back when I was there (15 years ago? SHIT!) I used to walk over to the ethnic markets on Central Ave and get the best produce, etc., all for a fraction of what A&P, ShopRite et al charge. You're not going to find the insane variety of good ol' American Junk Fun-Food!, but if you're looking to stretch the budget like the rest of us 99-percenters.... (BTW, I've written 2 dissertations on the "joys" of Irish food - both wordier and stupider than yours. If you go to my archives they're titled "Erin Go Blah" and "Irish Soda Bread", respectively. You might appreciate them now that you're married to one of those poor culinarily deprived people also.)
from defaults :
Oh that made me giggle. Thanks for that x
from atwowaydream :
"'that is all i want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.'" -elizabeth wurtzel Sounds like my life. Glad I'm not the only one who scrutinizes the bodies of the ballet.
from dangerspouse :
What a great review!! Thanks for letting me know you'd posted it (and also for letting me know there is yet another woman out there who laughs at me *sigh*). I'm glad your hubby had a good time ogling. I would have been disappointed for you if he hadn't, as it's always tough when you find out a woman has accidentally married a gay man. Hey, take my word for this: take him to the Radio City Rockettes Christmas Spectacular when it rolls around again, and don't sit too far back. You'll (well, he'll) thank me. (Sorry you gotta go to the Nets game. Stiff upper lip and all that. Hope you're not driving!)
from jondavid2010 :
I am unashamedly living vicariously through your experience at the ballet. Thankyou for sharing. That sounds truly, truly beautiful.
from jondavid2010 :
One need not be without money to live without margins. Neither does money guarantee a life lived with proper rest. I accept that you could fully understand my situation, despite the difference in our personal financial states.
from jondavid2010 :
Thanks, newschick ☠
from dangerspouse :
Ooo, give a ballet review when you get back! I hope you enjoy it. What theater are you going to? (Never mind - it'll be in the review, I'm sure.) Have a great time!
from bantenhut :
So...what's a ledgetank? Perhaps you have lots of Canadian friends because diaryland is a Canadian site. Cheers!
from dangerspouse :
Hmmm. Which would be less embarassing to yell out as you run frantically down the street in search of a missing corgi: "STOUT! STOUT! STOUT!!" or "WHISKY! WHISKY! WHISKY!!"? That's always my determining factor.
from jondavid2010 :
Well wahey! Not sure how closely you follow what I write, but you're visiting the city I call "SouthCity" in my journal, where I drove down last week for school, where I just might be teaching a class next Fall via Streaming Video Internets. I call my hometown "CapCity", so even if you're unfamiliar with my Province's geography, a quick glance at a map could tell you where I am. I don't have any plans for visiting SouthCity in March, but Faeria is going down to visit the American Embassy, so who knows? If you're interested in exchanging high fives with myself or Faeria while you're in the neighbourhood, let me know, and we'll see what we can do.
from dangerspouse :
No. "Queues" is not PC. Don't ever use that in polite company again. "Deli counters" is, though. (Although your derisive comments about them are contemptible.) Awww, you used to have a corgi? Aren't they too cute? Jack Russels are great, too. Hey, you're in Cranford now? Nice area, and probably more room to make a snowman than Hoboken (less chance it'll be stolen, too). DON'T LIVE ON MICROWAVE MEALS!! E-mail me your street address and I'll Fed-Ex out REAL food daily til Hubby gets back. No one should have to stoop that low.
from dangerspouse :
SEND ST. BERNARDS!! The freakin' blizzard hasn't even hit yet and the snow is already over Casey the Wonder Corgi's ears. I feel so bad for my wife. She's gonna have so much to shovel tomorrow....
from dangerspouse :
Cold cuts? COLD CUTS? Where did I ever mention such an abomination? What I made was a far, far cry from Oscar Meyer's best effort, chickie. (Although I have to give grudging admiration to the best of the Italian class of salumerias.) Yeesh. STUPID SNOW! I'm over here at work in Rutherford right now, and it's already pitch white. And I've gotta drive home in this stuff later! At least the really heavy dump should hold off til tonight, when I'm already curled up with a drink and a corgi. I just feel bad for NewWifey(tm), who's gonna have to go out and shovel it all tomorrow :(
from dangerspouse :
I've been straining my right wrist on a regular basis since I was 14, but you sound like you were even more enthusiastic than me! A tear, huh? That's pretty damn impressive. (But I do hope it heals quickly, if only so you can get back here and post more updates for me to read. It's all about me!) Feel better :)
from jondavid2010 :
Canada is a big place. Where are you visiting?
from college-kid :
I have been eating a lot of fruit, yeah. Figured that's probably a majority of it. Thanks, and hope you have a speedy recovery. :)
from dangerspouse :
Woof. I go away on sick leave for a couple of weeks and everything falls to pieces around here. I do hope your therapy is effective. You and hubby seem very nice and very smart. Hopefully that combination will be stronger than the combination of your differences. And your inner demons. Be strong. We only go around once. I wish I could think of anything other than trite platitudes at times like this....
from bantenhut :
Great to read about your new adventures! Thank you for keeping me around. :) Can't wait to catch up! And congrats on a giant office, sounds lovely! What do you like to do in NYC when you're not working -- anything?
from dangerspouse :
"Dull" is far, far preferable to "interesting" when it comes to Real Life. Sandy was interesting.
from glorycloud :
enjoy your new office space
from raven72d :
Congrats on the PhD! (The topic sounds fascinating) And on the office!
from whystinger :
Thanks! I appreciate it much!
from silverluna :
Oh, and about the plants. I started by buying plants at the Home Depot. I put them in the front of my house, where they would be in the sunlight for most of the day.They did pretty good for the most part, and a couple of vegetables grew. I collected about 20 little cherry tomatoes and 5 string beans. The little cucumber plants i bought died off, and with the Florida summer heat most of them died. Then I decided to start growing from the seed. I moved the plants to the back yard too, under partial shade. I don't know which surviving plants I have growing (besides a tomato plant), but I'll see when they start bearing fruit.
from silverluna :
Have you talked to a nutritionist?
from whystinger :
the small increase will help offset the higher taxes..., find some positive in it. I would love a raise.
from defaults :
yeah i jumped ship there for a while, i never really intended to. i think i ran out of words 'cause i was too busy actually feeling things or something ridiculous like that. i followed you along all that time though and kept reading. i always wanted to send a little note just to let you know i was thinking of you, but i never did. doesn't make it any less true though. ireland misses you x
from silverluna :
8, 9, and 10 are definitely on my list. I already started growing some things, but I need to learn more. Yes to more writing and more musicals!
from silverluna :
Your entry was a nice idea, to write about the things that happened every month. Sadly for me, I think every month will be the same work-play-sleep deal :/
from jondavid2010 :
Merry Christmas.
from dizzigemini :
i will be locking up, perhaps first week of jan, i got archiving to do, in profile i posted an email....its not about wanting to know who is reading my diary, its about one individual who i must block out and no other way then lock everyone, and all i ask, if anyone emails or sends u a note asking for the password, do not give it out. its only for dl members and the approved folks i give it to.
from dangerspouse :
NOT THE HAIR!! NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!!!!
from dangerspouse :
HA! Back when it was called "The Morning Zoo" I was a regular fill-in on Z-100, which is a sister-station to 1010WINS (the station I was on 6 days a week). Elvis use to bust my chops on air about my pseudonym on WINS, because I used my real name on Z. That show was a lot of fun to be on :)
from dangerspouse :
Just curious: does your Main Squeeze there know that you'd rather fly solo, all in all?
from dangerspouse :
Sorry for the delay responding to your note. I just got back after 3 days on the road, retrieving NewWifey(tm) from her bumpkin relations. I'm also sorry I'm not gonna reveal my super-hero alter-ego. If I did that in a public forum my legion of followers would tune in and...be massively disappointed in how dull, untalenented and feckless I sound in real life. I just couldn't do that to either of them.
from silverluna :
Thank you. May be I haven't been as stagnant as I think I am.
from annanotbob2 :
I just want to send you a hug xx
from crowbelle :
I completely echo all your sentiments here, Julie. I am sick to death of it, the ignorance, the nastiness, the stupidity, the evil of people who worship guns and machismo over life. It is sick sick sick.
from dangerspouse :
I had the great bad fortune to be on the air the morning the WTC was hit ( http://dangerspouse.diaryland.com/100911_14.html ). I hope neither you nor I live to see the new one fall. (You had a car at 15?! Go, Texas!)
from dangerspouse :
Thank you for the sweet note about my Father in Law. It was much appreciated :)
from dizzigemini :
12-1-2012....its been a week, I just logged in to dizzi, saw ur note. I appreciate ur words. From a human to human. Thankyou.
from crowbelle :
Julie, I stumbled upon a book I thought you'd enjoy: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Waterlog-Swimmers-Journey-Through-Britain/dp/0099282550/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_y "Waterlog: A Swimmer's Journey Through Britain" by Roger Deakin. Just thought of you when I saw it.
from imalex :
I can relate to your happy/sad feelings about decorating the tree. As a kid it was a huge deal to my siblings and I, but by our teens my sister and brother weren't so willing. I remembered every year fights would break out between my sister and brother and mother and I'd be left to decorate the tree by myself. Now every time I go home for Christmas I decorate it with my whole family, and for an hour everyone seems able to co-exist happily. Funny how things change.
from glorycloud :
what is your phd on?
from dangerspouse :
Oh, ye of little memory. No, I have not tracked you down. Fear not. I discerned your scone prowess from the "Freddie" entry of November 11, in which you stated: "for the record, i'm (sic) going to make them my world-famous scones". Just good old fashioned news gathering from a news guy, News Chick ;)
from dangerspouse :
Ok, I must have learned a different language. What are "the twits"? I'm gonna go out on a limb and just assume you're not doing a Monty Python "Upper Class Twit of the Year" reference. In which case, I'm stumped. (BTW, if it makes you feel any better...deep breath...I haven't been able to get pregnant either. There. I said it.)
from crowbelle :
I know this is a radical opinion, but I've seen more people who haven't been able to conceive go out and adopt a baby, only to find out soon that they had conceived...so they ended up having two little ones. It takes your mind off trying so hard if you have a little one to care for. And your body will act more normally if you are stressing over it all the time. What you wanted is only a natural feeling - about showing your peers you've got it all. At least you are going - I've never been to one reunion like that just because I didn't want to be judged badly.
from crowbelle :
I hope your "depressed" feeling has lifted with the new day and that you enjoy your Thanksgiving today. It's always hard when we are used to being around big families to suddenly be alone and responsible for all the work required. Are you cooking? ((hugs))
from silverluna :
I'm glad I'm back, and that I am finding more reader friends. :)
from crowbelle :
Julie, if you want to omit me from your list, I don't mind as I'm not looking for any publicity or anything, but if you want to bring your old friend back, then do. I don't mind. But I am enjoying reading your diary here. I have one here that I don't think has any or many readers but ny other one at Journalscape is my regular blog. Sorry about your feeling down today. HOlidays always get us all one way or another. I have learned to downplay holidays and just go about our lives as normally as I can. All those years of hoopla and big times are behind us now that we are entering our dotage. Hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving Day despite things...(hugs)
from dangerspouse :
Why do I have the feeling you're gonna delete me from The List when you find out I make better scones than you...?
from annanotbob2 :
Hiya. Sorry to hear you're low. Thanks for keeping me - you have the locked old diary on your list - this is mk 2. I'm currently giving myself the rock and roll cure - The Who 'Won't get fooled again', Love and hugs xx
from college-kid :
That happened to me the other day. I usually don't have mood swings, or suffer from depression. I'm an upbeat person. Then suddenly, bam. Stayed in bed all day, didn't eat, didn't want to talk to anyone. I feel for you, but it does get better.
from julymalaise :
Yay! You got in! Hmm.. that is weird it is not deleting, it is okay if you cannot delete it, lol. And yes, I will give suggestions when I figured them out!! LOL!
from crowbelle :
Congrats on getting a next door neighbor who provides fab food for you! Summers and cookouts should be incredible.
from crowbelle :
Hi Julie, I am working my way thru from the beginning and got thru a lot of 2003 yesterday. I like seeing how a person changes over time in diaries like yours. I did read your recent entries first before I got hooked on your words, and I was very impressed with certain things you wrote about. I get a kick out of your passion for Ashleigh B. She's back on the news now so you should be happy. Didn't she have a baby and get married? Well, I hope you keep writing, if only little blurbs, because I will continue reading. My regular blog is http://journalscape.com/Bex.
from julymalaise :
(Okay, was not done with my note! It clicked done before I even had a say! :)) But I must say, it is a good thing that you deleted it because now you do not feel overwhelmed because of course, Facebook is always oozing with drama and dumb posts. I heard twitter is cool, but I doubt I'll ever make it. I am done with social networking sites. And if I do, I will probably make a fake name and just add a couple of my friends...
from julymalaise :
Hope you are ok in the Garden State! How is everything? And I hate social networking. It is convienient, but it sucks. The only website that I really loved was myspace. I thought it was quite a fun website and I guess it was a bit more privy than Facebook. FB is like the terrible biographer you never wanted, writing--well, displaying--everything that you do! I find that rather annoying. And of course, people's ridiculous statuses and acting like they have a wonderful life than others. It's funny how people act differently on social networking websites rather than how they act in real life. I always contemplated on deleting my Facebook, but thought of overseas friends or family members or teachers and never had the courage to delete it.
from crowbelle :
i just found your diary yesterday and so far have read back thru most of 2011 and 2012. Very interesting writing. hope you don't stop anytime soon.
from jondavid :
Faeria has begun writing again. oct0ber.diaryland.com
from silverluna :
wow, just wow. I missed so much of what has been going on. I'm sorry. I know we're not close (since we only know each other through the internet). But I do feel close to the blogs I used to read most often. I'm sorry about what has been going on. Happy that you are okay. :/
from julymalaise :
I know! This storm was crazy!! And I believe there is no gas!! That's insane!! I can't believe you guys still have no power! I hope you guys stay warm and stay safe! I'll be thinking about you, newschick!!
from dangerspouse :
Do you normally take the PATH to work? If so, you might want to keep that bicycle in good repair. If I understand correctly, PATH service may be buggered for a while. Best of luck! Glad you still have access to bagels. Without bagels, it's hardly worth carrying on....
from julymalaise :
I am glad that you are safe in your town and are lucky that you did not get flooded. Those winds were extremely crazy and insane! I could not sleep. I like went to bed at like three in the morning when the storm was happening in PA. We lost power for a day, but now have partial power. I cannot believe Hoboken is a mess. I saw the pictures and was like "Oh my!" It was too crazy! And Atlantic City got hit pretty bad, the boardwalk is no longer there anymore. Glad that you were okay.. I was worried about you!!!
from silver4 :
Glad you are safe!!
from dangerspouse :
Good god. Your impression of NJ just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it. I think they should issue Vicodin to all residents as a condition of residency, frankly, but this hurricane really made things even more stressful than normal. Hoboken sure looks a mess, doesn't it? If it makes you feel any better, I arrived at work just *before* the hurricane and am still here (just a few miles away from Hoboken, in Rutherford). I'm told relief will probably come tomorrow afternoon, after which I'll head back to my home for a well deserved cold sponge bath, cold tinned meat, and cold candle light. Can I borrow a Vicodin...?
from annanotbob2 :
Glad you're safe. Hugs xx
from koorikaze :
I am sorry for your loss. The only advice I can offer is to not give up, and let time heal you. I don't always have the right words, but if you need someone to listen, I'm here.
from dangerspouse :
I never ever know what to say when the only acceptable thing to say is anything other than humor. Will you accept that as my way of expressing condolence and moral support and a virtual pint of ice cream laced with diazepam? Hang in there, kiddo. You fought hard to get this far. Don't let circumstances quell your dreams.
from jondavid2010 :
Wow. A PHD, AND part of the 1%. I was involved in Occupy while it was active in my city, a shade less than a year ago. It was an enlightening, trying, and ultimately devastating experience. Should be very, very interesting reading your journal.
from jondavid2010 :
I'm sorry for your loss, and for the cruel words that taunt your grief.
from ogawa :
so sorry about your miscarriage. it's not too late though, you can still try again? even if it wasn't planned this time. sending positive energy your way *hugs*
from julymalaise :
I am sorry about the miscarriage, dear. I cannot imagine how you are feeling. It must be tough, but you were a strong girl through it. I hope you get better, dear. Sending you some hugs via internet! *hugs*
from whystinger :
I realize that I failed to congratulate you on the Doctorate. Congratulations! The PATH train? NY/NJ PATH? I used to ride that when I lived in NJ... Glad you updated.
from glorycloud :
glad you found a job-sorry to read of your inner troubles-life is hard.
from koorikaze :
An ED is no different that self injury, in a sense. It gives those who cling to it control in an otherwise out of control world. If you just feel you can't eat, add a bit of ovaltine or some nutritional mix to your coffee. Trust me, it helps.
from cloudy-night :
I've been reading your entries for a while and I think your life was hard as any other. We all struggled at some point in our lives, that is something that no one can avoid. It just seemed at this point, your struggles shifted. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, I know how it is. But be patient, you'll find a job and things will get better. You've been tossed into a situation that will make you stronger and more aware of what you're capable of alone. Don't be afraid because you are good enough! Just because you've been dealt a few bad hands don't mean much, it just means that someone is testing your ability and you're meant for great things. Good luck, I hope you got the gig as well! Now, I'm going back outside - it felt so much better out there...
from defaults :
there's only so much that money can give you. you've fought your battles, give yourself the credit you deserve. and when you get this job, it'll be that much sweeter because you did it yourself, you'll get it because they'll want you for you. and it will happen. good luck petal.
from dangerspouse :
Good luck in Jersey! Don't let us scare you :)
from silverluna :
Wow, I haven't stopped by in forever. Happy belated birthday. I have also realized the difference of family. My family is pretty close, but it is very different now. I can find the connections I had with my family in friends now. I guess when I get married I will find those connections again in my own family. It's better now because it's more about finding your identity and not having to rely much on family. Sometimes I do miss getting nice gifts from my parents though.
from enurta :
'HE KNOWS THIS ALREADY! I TELL HIM, NOT FUCKING FACEBOOK!!! I DON'T HAVE TO TELL FACEBOOK THAT I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!' haha...i understand what you mean...and u are SOOOOOOOOO right....it's annoying.
from lostasyou :
Hate Facebook :( my friend's are only 21/recently 22 and they're already just banging on and fucking on about their kids. I never see anything else anymore. I feel like the generations just messed up somehow, even my sister's friends who are almost 30 don't seem to have so many kids, not like the people I know! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH.
from julymalaise :
Good luck, newschick!! Kick ass!!
from lostasyou :
Haha a book? Hmm all I know about writing is just spilling out whatever I am thinking and half the time it probably doesn't make any sense.. don't think anyone would be interested.. maybe I'll just forward my diary to David Cameron ;-) haha.
from lostasyou :
Haha a book? Hmm all I know about writing is just spilling out whatever I am thinking and half the time it probably doesn't make any sense.. don't think anyone would be interested.. maybe I'll just forward my diary to David Cameron ;-) haha.
from lostasyou :
Thanks for the tip :) and is that what the style is called? Haha I didn't even know ;) I'm not good with.. well, much really. Thanks! x
from julymalaise :
Hahha, yeah. I hope everything is squared off with the affair and everything will turn out right. Yeah, New Brunswick is a good place as well and Jersey City is cool! Hahha, don't be scared! It won't be bad!! And whenever you want to go down the shore, you can always go to Ocean City, Cape May, etc. Yes, I'm a Senior and I have made a decision on my college. I've been talking to my counselor a lot about college and whatnot and she has been helping me along the way!! I can't wait till graduation, it is going to be quite fun!! And thanks for asking! :D
from julymalaise :
Oh wow, a Jersey girl!! That's a big transition!! :D Don't worry, Jersey's not a bad place full of annoying people, depending on what part you are planning to live in...Lol,I'm just kidding, Jersey's not a bad place if you think about. It's just the annoying people who make it seem bad, ya know? Hope all is well with you!!
from fairybones :
i agree with you entirely on the tumblr censorship thing. as much as pro-ana sites and the like make me sad, people do need an outlet. what bothers me even more is that they are banning/censoring this sort of thing yet still refuse to do anything at all about the tons of cyber-bullying tumblrs floating around. priorities are seriously out of whack.
from lostasyou :
Yeah it is a nightmare! And thanks (: x
from defaults :
you are such a beautiful soul.
from lostasyou :
Congratulations! Irish surname, woo! x
from fairybones :
awww! thank you for your note! <3
from lostasyou :
HAHA oh yeah.. that weirdo Shirley.. Hawkeye always on watch to see who is gonna try and get with him next!.. I was hoping fireworks this evening but I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow. Shocking really.. no explosions or murders or whodunnits on Christmas this year, it's definitely not the same.. and I'm sorry for writing so much crap about soaps, good god.
from lostasyou :
HAHAHA! oh god he doesn't attract me!! Just makes me laugh, always bowling around like he owns the place even though he looks like a massive bald ballbag.. MM, MM, EH? EH? oh the quotes.. haha merry christmas and what have you :)
from glorycloud :
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
from fairybones :
aw cool, congratulations to you too! we're in the awkward civil ceremony club together then! <3
from defaults :
it's been so endearing to watch the irish way of speaking come into the language you use as time's passed since you've gotten here. i hope you've gotten what you hoped for out of this little island x
from julymalaise :
Nope, I survived it all without coffee...lol. But it was paintakingly hard doing all-nighters. But yeah, it snowed early, we had a Nor'easter and I will try some java. And your going to America soon? Cool!! I know you told me in a earlier note you wanted to go, so yay! And thanks for the note and telling me to stay warm =)
from koorikaze :
Congratulations! I wish you the very best. ^^
from silver4 :
Congratulations!!
from julymalaise :
You're a married woman now!!! HOORAH!!!
from julymalaise :
Texas sounds lovely and I'm so happy for you, newschick!! You're going to be a wife!! (Well, when you recieve this note, you will ALREADY be one!) Ahhh!! so excited!!
from defaults :
You're about to be an incredible wife. I promise.
from lostasyou :
Congrats on your wedding in 2 days ^_^ I hope it goes brilliantly! This is "omfggwtf" by the way.. I moved to a different account haha, so don't be freaked out ;).
from julymalaise :
You're getting married?!?! Congrats, girl!! And are you living in the West or East coast?
from julymalaise :
Yes, I'm a senior. I can't believe it myself!! I like Brit Lit, but this essay is making me nuts!
from julymalaise :
Missed you, girl!!! And I like the new layout. And I hope you are okay!
from koorikaze :
Have you ever tried yoga? It can really help with nerves and day to day living. Before my gallbladder removal and c-section I meditated and prayed which really helped. Praying and hoping everything will be okay. *hugs*
from stepfordtart :
Wishing good thoughts for you. As a sufferer from Crohn's baby cousin (ulcerative colitis) I have my fingers crossed that it turns out to be something completely unrelated (and very fixable!). s x
from theways :
hope you're well :)
from silverluna :
I <3 Adele. By the way, I'm somewhat back to writing in here.
from fightn4life :
Thanks for the kind note about my last post. Only one reader thought I was really nuts but she is related to me so it doesn’t count. I do often look at myself and hold a conversation about how crappy my life is, I was surprised there were others that did (or at least admitted) they too carry on conversations with ones self. The one thing I feel at times like doing is busting the mirror. I feel like I might get a little satisfaction over that. Oh well…life moves on. x Sandyz
from theways :
yey french!
from fightn4life :
I am so glad you are happy...you will not be broke long. Just enjoy this moment it will last a life time. xo Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I connected with your writing…I have one step on a dirt road to nowhere but to every where that my dreams allow. I have a back pack, decent sneakers and a longing to hike to the end of times. Ahh…if it were not only in my dreams, how I would love to set out on a foot journey and walk across the globe…or a state even…just to disappear and live forever in motion seeing everything…what a grand thing that would be. Dreams…if only Sandyz
from whystinger :
I'd be glad to, email me at whystinger"at"yahoo.com and I will send password stuff.
from whystinger :
Cool diary! Maybe you're obsessed with vegetables because your body craves some nutrient they contain? I tend to do that. I will crave salads and veggies at times. I find that I crave beef and other foods rich in iron when I need it. Ever have a craving for spinach or brussel sprouts? I have. Maybe I'm just bizarre... I am glad Bin Laden's dead too and I also can't quite bring myself to celebrate it.
from defaults :
i am so relieved that another human just had a similar reaction to me after hearing that news.
from fightn4life :
Glad your still there...thinking of you. :)
from fightn4life :
Your thoughts my thoughts. There are so many times I feel sick at heart to be an American. Too much war where we do not belong and the important issues swept under the carpet of greed and corruption that calls itself government. I read world news and more and more I flip my middle finger at the jack ass called president. "Change," my ass...he ended up being like all the others. Ruled by corruption and focused on nothing that matters for the good of America. You're right...where are our rights in this "free" country? Down the sewer line of crap... Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I agree day light savings only makes me tired. Been sleeping more from the day we sprang forward. Blah...
from omfggwtf :
thank you ^_^ i'll be doing data entry or "keying" haha. just lots of repetitive typing at a computer.. i think it's gonna be good though aha, i hope x
from fightn4life :
Wow, you sound wonderful. So glad things are working out for you with out purging or hurting yourself. This was a great post, made me smile reading how happy you are with your weight loss. Shopping...now that sounds like fun. I am inspired to get out and buy something nice for myself. Keep moving forward and do not let any one upset you...keep moving forward. :)
from defaults :
more than possible, unfortunately. keep trying though, sweetheart. you'll figure it out.
from omfggwtf :
thank you :) it means a lot. i hope you feel better too soon xx
from silver4 :
:) i'm not the best at spanish but dammit i get my point across hahaha... at least i hope i do!
from omfggwtf :
thank you ♥ i'll be going tomorrow sometime xx
from defaults :
haha same. i try to stick to the good old 46a as much as possible because when i don't, all hell breaks loose.
from omfggwtf :
yeah i guess so haha, if i pluck up the courage i suppose i'll probably say something next time. thanks xx
from omfggwtf :
ohhhhhh! thank you! i just read a little about it and it sounds right up my street aha. i'll have to remember it x
from omfggwtf :
really?! haha oh dear.. i've taken it before and not had troubles within the 7 days though, hmmm. i dunno. i'd have missed 2 pills by tomorrow, so i better be safe than sorry yeah.. i don't want a morning after pill :(.
from fightn4life :
I related to your entry “dogs” ying and yang, same old questions racing through my mind. The yes-no’s of life. How intriguing. I too have a stack of books my little personal escape from reality that seems less real every day. I often wonder if my escape is no escape at all. Life…very confusing. I do hope if your head aches continue that you will check to make sure your meds are not in conflict with your system. I read your entry twice…your feelings of detachment sounds like another way of coping, I often feel that separation of ones self. Kudos, on your weight loss, if it makes you happy it can’t be all bad. Take care my friend…Sandyz
from avantbedroc :
good luck with your goal - i had to convert the pounds :-) you should work with kilos - -smaller numbers make you feel better
from stepfordtart :
hoping it does what you want it to, dear. s x
from fightn4life :
I too find it a bit odd at times that we live such differant lives but as you I connect with so many of your entries. Kind of strange in a awesome kind of-sorta way. Thinking of you x
from annanotbob :
Hugs, sweetie. xxx
from defaults :
i guess with every move you make, there are pros and cons. i've never lived anywhere else, hardly even been out of the country. i often think though that this place can't be anything more than dreary and depressing to a visitor. not that you're a visitor, but you get what i mean. also missy, look after yourself, and good luck with everything. you're a star.
from omfggwtf :
i hope you feel better x and yes, i agree with the whole, not knowing how to make friends so easily now, when it was so easy back when we were little haha. it's a shame!
from omfggwtf :
hahaha ;) she's a little character! she's always sleeping like that, little madam. x
from julymalaise :
Lefties have all the fun!! hahha! Yeah, I know what you mean because once I go to sleep late, it's hard for me to wake up the next day !
from fightn4life :
This was one of the most amazingly raw entries I have read. Your insight on your inner self is spell binding. I read a book not long ago called “Stitched,” when I read it was about eating disorders and mostly about cutting I wanted to educate myself on something I didn’t understand. Between the book and your entry I could see the exact mindset one goes through with this “disorder?” My heart goes out to you…at times I wish I had a magic solution or word to help you heal your inner self. I recall seeing a picture of you and from my point of view I was looking at a gorgeous young woman. I can’t help but wonder how appearance becomes distorted when you or one of the thousands of cutters or ones with eating disorders see’s as one looks at their image in the glass. I hope you can connect with your new therapist…if you don’t have one yet, I hope you take those steps to find someone you feel safe with. I know from my example how frightening it was when my insurance changed and it no longer covered my present therapist. Just the thought of trying to go back and once again open my hidden self to some one else caused my heart to race. So I would sleep…that is my escape. I finally made an appointment and have been once to see my new therapist and it wasn’t so bad. Of course at this point my secret self is in hiding. Don’t know for how long or if I’ll ever feel safe to “tell all.” My heart is with you…I feel I am one step closer to understanding a bit of your confusion. I don’t have your diagnosis, however, when any of us face low self esteem the wording changes…but our hearts all connect in a oddly disconnected way. Just know my heart is with you as you walk towards a healthier you…that is what is important now…even the smallest of steps is to be commended. Sandyz
from julymalaise :
Hey, I'm a lefty too and I have to g o to bed early too, because if I go to bed late, I'll never wake up, you know?
from defaults :
do you ever regret coming here?
from fairybones :
hoohoo! yeah, i think i am much better suited to be in a relationship with an older man rather than with guys my own age who almost always turn out to be way too immature and unstable. and hey!, congrats on your engagement. <3
from fightn4life :
Hope your appointment went well, and so glad to read you are out of depression. Just my thinking and I could be all screwed up but maybe you should talk about your eating disorder, maybe this time it can help. Maybe? Right now I am not the best one to be giving advice my life is as high as one can get in one moment and down in the ditch the next breath. I wouldn't know what to tell a therapist...better get to thinking about it because I have an appointment this Thursday. Just thought I would wing it...not sure how I really feel. x Sandyz
from fightn4life :
Happy-happy birthday to your doggie. He/she is a lucky one...having you as his "friend." I hate saying "owner" LOL Dogs don't like that. or is that cats??? hum... I love dogs...cats too they are awesome. Sandyz
from raen :
I'm the same way with food! I don't get it, either. Innocent oatmeal, bananas, apples, turkey breast sandwich on whole wheat or multigrain bread . . . and I feel like I just ate a pint of butter-cream-lard. I just try to tell myself it's all in my head. What else can one do? I already only eat when my stomach growls. Ugh.
from omfggwtf :
yeah! i think that's it haha. just STOP FEELING, CHARLIE! i'm getting near the end and it's not looking too good, uh oh haha x
from raen :
I remember you, too!
from fightn4life :
Safe travels...I am trying to stay more updated with those I have come to love and admire right here on DL. You for one...I look forward to reading more of your entries. Also, I just may talk to Dr about something that may help me through this time of dark thoughts. Maybe it is time to try an antidepressant. Just saying...I might stay on this side of the darkness. xo Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I am so excited for you...getting married. You're plans sound like you have it already figured out...This is going to be your day...just be you. Bridezilla is OK. :) {{{Hugs}}} Sandyz
from enurta :
have you decided where you two will live after the wedding? ireland or the US??
from defaults :
yay for you missy. congratulations. i hope you feel absolutely incredible.
from enurta :
congrats, hun. u deserve it!!! *hugs*
from silver4 :
congrats!!!
from kabukicharms :
O man, congratulations!
from julymalaise :
Congrads!!!!! Awww, that is so sweet!
from omfggwtf :
congratulations!
from ping-island :
i read it once some years ago, and i remember i liked it but i don't remember any details and i only read it the once. are you a fan?
from pink-sapfire :
I like your page, hope you do not mind me adding you to my buddy list. Have a good one! xj
from silver4 :
thanks for understanding! i know i have to push myself, but not at the expense of pushing others beyond what's necessary! there's so many politics in the field, i just don't want to be tainted early on. counting down the days...
from theways :
yay control! :)
from warpednormal :
haha thanks! i always have these fake conversations as if they will prepare me for the real ones...but it never turns out the same way i want it to in my head
from fightn4life :
If someone had told me over a year ago a therapist could help me I would have laughed my ass off then told then NO F-ing way. Over this last year I have developed a trusting relationship with the woman that is helping me through this nightmare. (First several visits I just looked at her and guarded my emotions with my life) Now I feel like I can say anything, and be honest. I know from this experience that getting help is the most important step in ones healing process. Once the denial passed and I realized I was in trouble with my run away emotions, once I learned to trust her and myself…I feel I am making progress…and understanding who that person was that I had left behind many years ago. Me. I am so glad you are trusting your therapist and coming to terms with the knowledge you are a beautiful person…some flaws maybe…but you are a unique person that should first love who you truly are. I can read it…others see it…now it is you that needs to see what I do. You are an amazing person that I feel blessed to have got to know even from miles away. Sandyz xo
from defaults :
thanks for your sweet note. have a blast back in the states, and good luck with all your appointments and such ♥
from teanash :
fly safe :) have fun back home xx
from xeison :
Sorry, i wish i had time to give a better reply, but um as far as the breathing problems go, and you probably have thought of this already, but if they only happen at night, have you looked into possibly Sleep Apnea at all?
from kabukicharms :
Morally or financially?
from avantbedroc :
oh man, your asthma sounds really scary - hope u r ok!!
from kabukicharms :
See I never had any sort of cognitive dissonance about the whole thing. And yakking never bothered me, it even got to the point where I learned to do it on command. I think back then I never saw it as a problem because a lot of the people around me where doing one thing or another. Blow was really common, and the coffee and cigarettes diet was a main stay. In retrospect though I never though about it much back then because I knew a lot of guys who had a lot of the same issues, even more so than the girls. I’m from Brownsville. Most commonly known as that town you drive through to get to South Padre Island.
from teanash :
oh my, i get you. :) destruction is my candy. my guilty pleasure. i don't even want to know why i do it. i kinda know of course, deep down, we all know the reasons of our suffering. i just don't see how knowing why you do it helps stopping it. or i would have stopped. this would be all easier and we'd live in a merry-freaking-bunny-smiling-rainbow-world. i guess that's why i don't see shrinks. i just know what i'd tell them. i tell it to myself all the time. i don't see what they could add that would help. maybe also, i just don't want to be helped, this is too pleasurable. it is real and powerful. destruction constructs me. go try explaining that to normal people, eh? :P
from kabukicharms :
Don’t you love and hate being sick? On one hand its such like the best diet ever, but on the other you know your only hurting yourself. I used to use having a stomach bug weeks after it was gone to eat like a rabbit. Back when I was still in high school I would put myself on these liquid diets that consisted only of low cal gelatin and slimfast. I would even do nega-calorie runs and eat nothing but cabbage. Hopefully you’ll be able to overcome all that. It took me a long long time to finally realize I like how I look with more weight on than less. But I always had problems with self image since I have very wide shoulders and hips but a small waist. So the thinner I got the more like a girl I looked. But back then I just thought I had to be thin. By the way I am also from Texas!
from cloudy-night :
Thanks for the kind words and your prayers. They are both fine and I hope that they don't have to experience such a thing again. Thanks again! :)
from teanash :
oh now i feel bad for leaving that note if you're feeling better. well, i guess when that feeling comes back you'll know you're not alone. also, good for you, focusing on yourself is always the way to go i think.
from teanash :
totally understand what you mean. i feel the same. i always end up with that conclusion. alright fine, let's make some efforts, let's smile and enjoy the people around us, but really to what extent does it ever matter. how can everyone just wake up and go to work and manage to live without feeling it's worthless? and how do you go through all your life if you do think it is worthless? And yeah, i always end up feeling like i could and should just end this, it would be a lot more simple, stop the suffering. But then, i'm a curious person and i just think, well, i'd probably miss some things. What keeps me going is wanting kids (and i know you want some too) and i guess it's pretty random since i don't even really believe in this world, why would i want to bring my kids in it? I don't know, i guess it's a pretty selfish act to have kids. But also, to me, that's the only reason we're here for real. Alright, we're wiser than animals, but really? What thinking really gives us is trouble. What seems to be the most important to people? Their kids... And it doesn't take much thinking to procreate. I'm obsess with myself but i don't think i'm important enough to just kill myself. I don't think i have the power to change anything at all. My way is just going through life without caring all that much about stupid stuff. And caring too much about food. And wait to have kids to be able to focus on them. I don't care if it's fucked up, it's truly either that or just give up on life all together. I'm not suicidal anymore, i'm just whatsthepointal.
from fightn4life :
Please do not cut your wrist..or anything. I understand your being disgusted with the way our world is. I get sick to death at seeing so much horror in the world...I hate war, VN destroyed my first marriage, was is crap. Why can't we all live in harmony. I know the ole hippie slipped through right there. I too have heard that positive thinking and thoughts of love can change the world...but if most the people think negative then "they" say life as we know is doomed. I try but like you...what is the sense. Are you on my face book page? I don't know why you feel your picture can not be on face book. I recall you posted in your Blog a photo of you long time ago. I recall thinking how beautiful you are. If only you saw your self as I see you. Try not to feel so bad about yourself...your posts show a kind and gentle spirit. Try and love yourself. I know silly BS talk...but it is true. My heart is with you...please do not hurt yourself. Sandyz xoxoxoxo
from omfggwtf :
hmm yeah i understand there is a lot about weight issues and things on DL, and that's fine, each to their own. i just feel extremely weak sometimes, probably 'cos i put too much bad stuff into my system and not enough good stuff haha. but yeah i'll definitely check out the sainsburys thing, it's just down the road for me, wooo! don't really want to lose weight as such, would just like to see a difference in the stomach area.. maybe more toned? i dunno, oh well! thank you for the advice :) x
from omfggwtf :
that's okay! and oooooh thank you for the advice! yeah i should probably walk actually.. me and my dog both need the exercise hahaha. i'm too poor to go to a gym anyway, and i'd feel so stupid in there 'cos i'm so clumsy. but yeah thank you :) i'll look into some stuff, and try to eat more healthy stuff. i'm so useless with diets and things. and i shall find some vitamin things!
from omfggwtf :
don't feel so bad xo.
from enurta :
please do not slit your wrists. life is worth living. i know life equels pain sometimes, but you have to feel pain so you can feel peace and happiness. life is beautiful. the world is beautiful and so are you *hugs*
from lisasays :
We all make mistakes. You just didn't have your "filter" on. We can all feel like we know each other so intimately well, but in fact not really know how our words effect each other. I know your heart is in the right place, and hopefully she does too.
from fightn4life :
I read back through some of your entries, I wish I had the magic words to help you stop hurting yourself. It is all so foreign to me but when ever something stumps me in life I read about it. I know this isn’t you but I got hold of a book called, “Stitched” a true story about a “cutter.” As I read through her life I thought about some of your entries about feeling trapped between two thought patterns. One wanting to heal your self the other a feeling about it is OK to be you…to F with your self. I thought I saw myself in some of her writings and wondered if there is a brokenness in all of us. We each might act or play out differently but the thinking part isn’t so different. Maybe this is why I continue to find myself in unhealthy relationships. I don’t know but it just got me thinking all about life…and then you. I do hope you can find a way to stop damaging your body, which in turn messes with your thinking, maybe I too can find a way out of the muck I so often walk right into. Maybe there is hope for both of us…I truly believe there is a safe passage out of the darkness. You are so beautiful, within and out ward. If only you could see this for yourself. I see it in your writings and I still recall a photo you posted. I looked at it for the longest time…yes, you are gorgeous. Sandyz
from ping-island :
haha oh goodness, thank you for confirming that horrible stereotype i always pretended i didn't believe about germans. :x but seriously, i didn't know that kind of stuff still happened! i guess because here if a teacher locked a kid in a closet they'd be sued into oblivion.
from ping-island :
oh! well i guess that just makes you extra awesome, doesn't it? also, the idea of strict lutherans is hilarious to me because i'm used to the cuddly hand-holdy lutherans around here (for example, Cotton is a lutheran). everyone treats them like catholicism lite though. haha.
from musikoid :
Oh thanks, newschick! I feel that way too when people can relate. I just noticed my last entry was hella long - I might chop it down later so as not to dissuade people from reading it.
from musikoid :
I just wanted to say that I identified strongly with a portion of your entry. I often feel like a part of me is "normal" - or at the very least, strong enough so that I don't have to admit to total defeat and give so much power over to the treatment of my disorder that I wind up never standing up for myself or developing my real strengths and attributes in any way. I realize while writing that I may have totally misinterpreted you, or that I am not quite doing verbal justice to what you said, but something along these lines really did strike me. The other day I was contemplating going to rehab, and I was basically talked out of it by friends whose arguments made sense. There really does come a time when it's best to do exactly whatever it is you are doing, and then you will bloom where you are planted.
from ping-island :
well, thanks. :) that's interesting, that you were unpopular because you were athletic. what kind of school did you go to? i went to a private school that was unbelievably homogeneous, so being athletic wasn't just like a nice thing to be, it was the norm. EVERYONE played at least one sport and it was really weird to not enjoy gym class. but yeah, i've never really done anything really athletic since then, it's all just too wrapped up in that sense of failure. i can only do things that are practical, like biking, or spontaneous, like dancing. i always wondered what it would be like to enjoy exercising for its own sake. anyway, thanks for the encouragement, i really do appreciate it. :)
from raygirl999 :
*hugs* go to sleep and remember tomorrow is another day. None of us is perfect and at least you realize that you are sick. That's the first step. It's almost Halloween! I don't know if it's a big holiday in the U.K. but go out and try to have a little fun. Being young is a blessing in that regard.
from raygirl999 :
You are inspiring me to spring and get my nails done (at Wal-mart hahaha) so I can feel pretty. I once got a facial and it was so awesome. I didn't want to even put makeup on my face after that. My clothes are all from high school (10+ years ago) and college (7+ years ago). Even though they fit again I really need to not wear them anymore. I'm 30 and I dress like I'm 20. Not cute haha.
from raygirl999 :
Yay the diaries are back up! Yes sadly I do have trouble spending money on things that are just for me and might be good for me. Booze, drugs, binge food? No problem I'll spend whatever I like. But something to make me feel good and nice? Never. I have been wearing clothes that are old and don't fit for months. I am only buying new things because I look like a bum at work lol. I do want to buy something to make myself look cute though. I'm working on this whole "self-esteem" thing. I know I'm smart but other than that I've got nothing right now...
from raygirl999 :
OMG the same thing happened to me this morning! I had just downloaded an VPN for remote access to my school ibrary and I thought it messed up my computer. Nope it's just stupid diaryland. NONE of the diary links were working when i checked this morning at like 9 AM CT.
from theways :
that's always the saddest realization for me, telling myself, i will beat this, be normal, not worry about it and live a better life, and then it hits me, i don't know how to live if not from this. what could kill me is also what gives me a purpose.
from raygirl999 :
You sound as if you are doing a bit better today. Glad you are still concious at least! Just think I'm 30 and just starting on my masters and you're in your mid-20s and you'll have your PhD in a short while. You are doing quite well for yourself! I am impressed.
from raygirl999 :
It's funny, but I have found that people with EDs are some of the most intelligent people I have met. It seems our intelligence works against us in that we manage to make starving or purging seem logical. It's hard for us to argue with logic! And of course we are overachievers who need to be perfect in all aspects of life. Plus we can clearly see how people who fit a certain physical ideal are treated differently than others. So we strive to achieve that ideal like we strive to reach any other goal. Ignoring the things we do to ourselves in the process. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, I guess.
from raygirl999 :
Even though I am thousands of miles away I hope you know that people on this side of the ocean care and hope you can get to a safe and healthy point in your life. i am not one to talk about recovery. I'm 30 and still not fully there. But trying to be as healthy mentally and physically as you can is a good goal. I;'m glad you have a great buy in your life to help you through this. Please take care! I want you to be OK.
from enurta :
I've been bulimic since I was 11 years old. I've been able to stop purging from time to time, but I always replace it with exercise and starving. are you getting any help? have you gotten help in the past?
from enurta :
hey, even one day without puking is progress. how long have you been bulimic?
from raygirl999 :
Just some words of advice, don't ever get a job in the real world. I hate work so much! Stay in academia forever if you can!
from enurta :
thank you for your kind words...what you said was right, but it's easier said than done...food is my worst enemy. if you're alcoholic you can stop drinking, if you are a drug-addict, you can stop taking it, you can live withou those things...but food....you can never survive without it. never ending story.
from xeison :
i apologize, i meant to respond to the last note you left me a while ago, but i havent really been myself lately and so didnt end up doing it. Last time you posted something to the effect of saying that when it comes to hating yourself over your body and food you will never get over it because it is just how your brain works. i know it is easier said than done, but if you adopt that belief that how can you hope to get past hating yourself over those things? If we believe something is impossible, we can genuinely attempt to do it, because we have already made it an impossibility. Fortunately, it seems that you have not deemed it an impossibility as you do in some of your entries seem determined to get better, but the point i am trying to get at is that you should never tell yourself that it is impossible because that is not the case. It may be the case that you are not ready yet, but that doesnt make it impossible. Anyways, i guess to some degree i am being redundant because you are already probably well-informed of these things, but i think it is important to avoid engaging in a confirmation bias. i hope that makes sense.
from raygirl999 :
OMG I swear it's like I'm reading my own diary. I am trying so hard to be healthy and fit. I'm working out and I feel great as I see my body becoming stronger but then I go and mess it up by doing stupid things that I know are unhealthy. But I can't stop. Ugh it drives me crazy!!!
from ping-island :
thank you, that means a lot to me. :)
from omfggwtf :
hahaha yeah it is very dramatic. i wish they'd stir it up a bit more though, get into squabbles ;) would be much more fun to watch. ahh, yeah i'd really love to go but my parents don't do "gettung out of the uk" my dads whole family are in dublin but he's never been, which is a shame because i think he should have a break but he's just "work work work" pfft. yeah it looks like a really lovely place to visit. i'm definitely going one day, i will make sure of it aha x
from omfggwtf :
haah! yeah we watched it. we always end up watching it even though we hate it.. we just sit there taking the piss out of it really, especially louis. he's always so energetic and LOVES everyone. i don't really know who should win if i'm honest aha i don't really follow it like that. it's just entertainment ;) oh and i just read on your profile you're in dublin? my nan was born there and my grandad from cork i think and they moved here.. i dunno why ahaha. what's it like? i've ALWAYS wanted to go 'cos of family and stuff but never had the chance :( x
from theways :
way to go :) - haha, also loved the end of your last entry, made me laugh.
from annanotbob :
Thanks for the add x
from dulligirl :
Thanks for adding me!
from omfggwtf :
hahah! yeah they're all nice. look nice and natural aswell, but it'd be a good change too. i dunno what colour your hair is normally but i'm sure any you choose will look lovely :) brunnettes are best ;) x
from omfggwtf :
ahh yeah :| hair dye. i had a bit of an addiction when i had red hair, 'cos it faded so fast. but now it's a "normal" colour it is getter healthier thank god aha. do it! have a change ;) one time will be harmless ;)i love hair -_- oh dear. x
from omfggwtf :
haah! thank you! ^_^ s'abit wild today x
from raygirl999 :
How's for scary. I'm 30 which means I have been working for nearly half my freaking life. And ever since senior year of college (2003) I've had office jobs with real "normal" people except the 3 months I worked at a call center. Office politics and dram are the WORST. If you think academia is bad or even high school, office work is the biggest load of crap ever. Seriously, picture grown men and women gossiping all day, talking smack about each other and promoting one other because they think the person is "hot." And they all date or sleep with each other. Even I fell into that trap, whoops lol. Haha I'm glad the drama is entertaining.
from raygirl999 :
"white" is an illicit substance that is also the name of a popular soda lol. That's what we call it here.
from theways :
i was cheered up and all happy about your last entry... i know.. sad. :P but i feel at my most happy when i am in that kind of destructive routine. or maybe not happy. but in control. and control makes me happy.
from raygirl999 :
I'm just getting back into DL after my trip out of town. Many diaries to catch up on. But i liked your latest entry and would like to hear more stories about that time in your life. It makes me wonder if Wasted was very accurate. But what you describe makes me think it was.
from warpednormal :
haha no kidding! it was the long thanksgiving weekend too, and so it was pretty ridiculously lazy....i'm still recovering from a food hangover.
from theways :
"...to know that what you are doing is hurting you, maybe killing you, and to be afraid of the fact -- but to cling to the idea that this will save you, it will, in the end, make things okay." i remember reading this in your diary some years ago... and i get what you mean when you say there is no way to live without it.. just maybe a way to cope with it without destroying everything that's good... well, i have no point in this message really.. just saying you're not alone..
from glorycloud :
look forward to getting to know/read you-peace
from fightn4life :
Wow...I loved your post about having words trapped inside your head. I so often feel the same way. I do try to write but some times I have written a book in my head and can hardly get a post for my diary, or a letter to my son or dad. I do like you do...listen to You Tubes and connect, some times the words I hear are something I feel trapped inside. And YES! I feel it deep. So I listen again and again. It kind of helps me clear the random words out of my head. Just for awhile I feel at peace. My thoughts are with you, Sandyz
from raygirl999 :
I went to NYU for undergrad 1999-2003, and received my degree in journalism with a minor in sociology. I was there during 9/11 so when I see politicians and middle-Americans try to claim that they are "real Americans" and not elite like the East- or West- Coasters I want to scream! I have started my masters in San Antonio and plan to transfer back to NYU after my first year. If you have a chance to go to NYU you should. The pool is lovely even though I can't swim haha. My dream is definitely to go to Oxford for my PhD. I wake up fairly early but I don't start work until 10 AM and on days I have classes I don't finish until 9 PM. My schedule is making my brain tired lol.
from raygirl999 :
Haha you know actual impressive people form Dell. The only person I know who worked there was my ex who was a stock boy and got fired for being a jackass. It does make me wonder what happened to all the other PC companies. When is the last time you saw a PC that wasn't a Dell? I think I had an HP like 11 years ago but that's it. It's cool because of the time zone differences your updates are always the first ones I read in the morning too. It's funny because you have gone through a whole day at school or whatever, and I am barely getting out of bed lol.
from kabukicharms :
Maybe your healthy lifestyle is making you sick? I smoke, drink, eat real butter, enjoy things cooked in shortening, have no concept of the food pyramid, consume egregious amounts of caffeine, and only ever sleep like five hours and somehow I'm almost never sick.
from raygirl999 :
I'm so sorry to hear about your niece :-( I just wanted to drop a note to say I like reading your diary because it's very inspiring. I enjoy reading about the things you do to further your education and your plans for the future. Good luck with everything! P.S. Dells don't suck lol. (Actually they do but living near Austin, those are fighting words lol)
from enurta :
you seem interesting so I'm going to go on ahead and add you to my buddylist. i hope that's ok <3
from silver4 :
I'm sorry for your loss, I know it's always a hard thing to deal with and especially sad with a newborn. But I'm happy that you still went through with the Clinton thing and had a good time. My younger sister has met him a few times, she's super political, and you can just tell he has that charm :) congrats on making the press too!
from omfggwtf :
mmm aha. i've had to "have a long hard think" about all this so much, it's getting ridiculous. i dunno though. i'm glad it's been her 'cos shes absolutely miles away so he hasn't been with someone local or done anything physical.. but argh! why must they make it so difficult? if he could just cut her out completely, that'd be amazing. but i doubt he will. i dunno what's going on now. on our one year aswell :( xo.
from silverluna :
wow. thanks for the note. I didn't know that. And you feel bad that your friends are having kids: I have a few friends that already have 4 or 5 kids now, and they are younger than me! lol anyways, I'm glad we feel that we are doing the right thing :)
from theways :
so sorry :(
from defaults :
i'm sorry, petal.
from theways :
go positivism.. ha! - also, the boy im babysitting threw my computer on the ground and broke the screen... about a month ago.. and i have to use windows too. i feel your pain.
from omfggwtf :
ahhh thank you! i appreciate the suggestions! yeah going to the library will probably actually help but my local one is so crap sometimes. they don't have the widest selection so i'll just wonder around for about half of my life and then walk out with nothing. greaaaat. thanks for the suggestions anyways, i think i actually need to get back into buying books, my shelf is getting old and lonely. i'll read about what you gave me and see what i think! thanks again xo.
from fightn4life :
Oh my god…I can not believe you let yourself be victim of a heartless bitc*. Age gives us weight, babies, sorrow, many things but it is not our weight that defines us. You are such an awesome person…not one that I can picture hiding from the world around you just because a simpleton rattled your cage. I am speaking from a new experience I have gone through. When I left Florida and came back to PA I had no job and so many problems with my back the food I ate never left my system…it turned into this gross stuff I call fat…it winds all around my body hanging onto my waist, hips, butt, and Lord forbid…my boobs. Weight has never been an issue with me so it was a new chapter in my life. (I often wonder why I have to experience every negative thing this life offers) So…this summer I go to by bestest northern friend with plans to swim in her pond. I for the first time sense Florida put on my bathing suit…in all honesty I looked 4 to 5 months preg. I put on a cover-up because I am now mortified and it is too tight. I sigh and decide what the hell…who cares it is only weight. Once at the pond I felt self conscience of my flab…so I voice it to my friend. Did she say…heck no worry you look great any way? Nope she looked at me and said OMG…I would be upset too. I couldn’t look at my self after that. I did just what you are doing…I hid under layers and did not except any invitations to go swimming again. But here was the reality…(took me all summer to come to terms) I had went from size 6 to an 8 or 10...depending on what I was wearing. Now…was that so horrible? No…it was a 20 pound difference. You my friend are only looking at a 10 pound difference. I decided my fate was in my hands…what anyone else thought was not important. I asked myself if I was happy with the extra weight, or new weight…however you look at it. Once making the decision I would at least like to move it around a bit I set a goal…made a plan. I walk most days, got back into Yoga and half ass started a low carb diet. I am not a meat eater but I still like the diet because you can eat several times a day. I feel better about myself, for me…no one else. So get up, un-layer yourself, and forget she ever opened her mouth. Take a good look at you and with honesty ask yourself how you feel about your looks, your weight. If you are fine with it, screw her…if not get to work and take control. I also read back through and saw you are going to get to see your therapist come Nov. Yay for you…my shrink is my life line now that my mom passed on and my husband already has one foot out the door. If not for her I would surely go mad…losing mom has crippled me. My heart and thoughts are with you, Sandyz (I’ll be watching for your next post to see if you see the beauty in yourself that I see when reading your words.)
from theways :
hugs! :) - friends and family comments are the worst. honestly, even if they say "wow you've lost weight!" i just think "oh god, that means they thought i was fat before, great." or if it's a bad day "yeah... lost weight but still fat"... any comment about weight is bad in my opinion. hope you feel better soon.
from ping-island :
thank you, i appreciate that. :)
from xeison :
It seems to me that you have equated your goals, amazing, and perfection as all one concept. So my question is why? Why should you allow yourself to be alienated by such concepts? Globalization is always a cool thesis topic. i apologize about asking for the thesis; i forgot that such things were google-able and thus would be invading your privacy.
from xeison :
You say that it made sense five years ago that second chances sometimes happen but that you do not have to do something amazing. Does that mean it doesnt anymore to you? To be honest, id also like to know what is the standard by which amazing is measured? Losing ones control of their life is certainly quite a devastating event. Control is a really important element for us to feel safe and comfortable. i am sure you have heard of this already since you are doing sociology, but they had done a study in a nursing home where they let one group of people have plants to take care of and another group of people who did not have any plants. The group with the plants was free to take care of them as much or as little as they pleased, and they found that the group with the plants to take care of lived longer on average. Your quote kind of reminds me of that study, and in a way of counting calories and controlling ones eating. That is really impressive doing a PhD in sociology. If i ever get a chance to do college, sociology would be an awesome subject to study. Um, i know it is likely much more complex than i can follow, but i was just curious if it is explainable, what is your thesis topic?
from xeison :
You have nothing to thank me for. That is an interesting memory indeed. How did that injury happen, and did it have any impact on your ability to do things while you were still bandaged. The interesting thing about your entry was that you said that it began when you did, which is something i sympathize with quite a bit as i feel similar, but i also remembered a previous entry you wrote that i thought was very insightful, which was on children. You wrote about how children are alive and in a sense we kill them, and i have always felt the same way. That, in a sense, to mature means to kill oneself for society. We kill our energy, our freedom, our self-expression, and our genuine love for life. Again, i kind of sympathize with that as i often feel like the environment i grew up in killed my ability to have a childhood like many people in the Western world do. What i found very interesting about that entry though is that you wrote about how you felt that you had been one of those children that had you spirit killed, and i thought that was a rather compelling insight as well. i wonder, if there is a moment, when you feel the moment that part of you died, and how did and do you feel about it? On another note, i noticed you said you are doing a PhD. That is really cool, what area is it in? Also, i read what you wrote about academia, and it can certainly be a downer in terms of the social life, but i you love it, i think there is a lot beauty in a lot of academia, though i cannot speak too well to it since i didnt really do that great in school.
from fat0free0air :
Thanks for reading and the note! Us people with eating disorders have such a weird way of viewing the world :P
from julymalaise :
Hello, just read your newest entry and was glad you went to Germany to have some fun. I can relate with you with the groos food thing, I absolutely hate sausages, and they totally make me want to puke when I eat them. I don't like them at all one bit, they have this weird taste and I'm like "How can people all over the WORLD eat this?!?!?!" It's nasty, hate to eat them for breakfast or any meal of the day.
from xeison :
Um, you do not have to answer this if you do not want to, but i was curious. In your previous entry you put this dialog: 'when did this start?' 'i don't know' 'ok but how old were you' 'i was alive, it's all i remember?' 'right but most people remember an age' 'i only remember my body, being so aware of it. being aware of every single bite, every meal's affect on my body.' 'and when did this begin?' 'when i did.' And i wondered, what would be the answer if the question was 'What is the first thing you remember in your life, completely irrespective of eating disorders, so just the first thing you remember?' Also i wanted to say, as someone else already did, that there is always hope for getting better, when you feel that is what you want. i really hope things work out for you.
from raygirl999 :
It's crazy. I read your entries and I feel like it's me talking/writing. I definitely understand what you are saying.
from raygirl999 :
I wish you luck. I have been in that space before and think I am falling back in to it too.
from fightn4life :
If you are not cutting any more you are better today than before. That is what is important...learning from our missteps.try not to be so hard on yourself...I am working on that my self. Some times-many times, I just don't like the person I am today. maybe I am spending to much time re-living the past. My advise to you and me is to try to live in the moment...forget the past and make good memories. It is never too late. My thoughts, and heart is with you, Sandyz
from teeganjack :
Hi there, I added you as a favourite, hope you don't mind :)
from ping-island :
thank you!!
from stellarrobot :
Ahaha! I so know what you mean about insulting comparisons. Drunk guys, everywhere, for years now, cannot resist telling me I look a certain HIDEOUS athlete. It is quite distressing and not in the least bit complimentary. I've laid some smack-down over it. Take heart though, one person's not is another's hot.
from silverluna :
wow you are writing again!
from silver4 :
Hahaha "Do you bite your nails? i TRY not to but it just HAPPENS." right there with you ;)
from xxsorrowxx :
Yeah it's ok that you read it. I just didn't realize that anyone I didn't actually know was reading it.
from theways :
shopping is the worst. that's why i've got tons of scarfs and boots. those always fit perfectly.
from xxsorrowxx :
I didn't know that you read my diary. Or had me on your favorites at least.=/
from theways :
i'm a nanny and i just got to agree. also kills me how many calories i would burn if i was active like that all the time.
from raygirl999 :
Hey I just wanted to say I added you a couple months ago and read your archives and I'm glad you're back. You have such an interesting and refreshing writing style.
from julymalaise :
YAAAAAAY! Newschick is back!!!
from fightn4life :
So glad you are back. I was gone for a few months after my mom passed. I am working my way back to keeping up with my Diary. I too had another diary started some place else...just couldn't find interesting diaries either. I am also glad you are trying to be kinder to yourself, and trying not to "hurt" yourself. My thoughts are with you, so glad I came back about the same time you did, Sandyz
from defaults :
it feels funny here without you.
from julymalaise :
I'm glad you will still be reading our entries. Yeah, diaryland can be old sometimes, but I love it! I don't think I will ever leave it. Xanga is good as well. I have a Xanga, but it's my private journal. So yeah. Wordpress just annoys me, it is technicial!
from julymalaise :
Gonna miss you, newschick. I have a wordpress myself. It is quite confusing. Like how do you like make just one entry pop instead of like a billion entries on one page. Also, how do you make the archives look like the ones from diaryland?
from fightn4life :
It is strange isn’t it when you finally see something and don’t want to lose it. It at times gives us the courage to move forward and change for the better. Or…in some cases no need for change just keep moving in the right direction. I loved your post.
from silverluna :
wow. thanks for the message. didn't think you still read...
from fake-angelic :
hey, just wanted to say that i like yr diary. take care of yourself yeah?
from fightn4life :
I don't know what is going on yours is the forth dairy I have read tonight were people are unhappy with weight issues. Me too. I have been at battle with my weight gain. I have been making myself go Yoga and cutting in half what I used to eat. I know how you are feeling and I feel sad with you. Don't give up on yourself and up chucking is not the answer. My thoughts are with you...just know you are not alone. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
This new guy and your new attitude sounds like it just might work out. I am so happy for you. Sandyz
from defaults :
hah. i guess it's meant to be. glad to have you back too, love.
from julymalaise :
Ireland's awesome!
from fightn4life :
I think your new obsession leaning towards healthy food is a wonderful idea. You are too young to put booze in the center of your world. I can say that because I am just an old fart. Loved your entry and best of luck with your new goals…I’ll be on the side lines cheering you on. Sandyz
from julymalaise :
You got that right? And you live in Ireland? That's totally awesome if you do!
from julymalaise :
Wow, I am so very glad that you have something you look forward to everyday, it's cool. Hope everything will work out for you. Yes, keep walking, walking is great exercise and it keeps you in shape and plus sometimes it is just fun taking a stroll instead of being stuck in a dust car sometimes.
from fightn4life :
You should not be ashamed because of your past thoughts…you should look at your past thoughts and actions as learning tools. If you had not seen one side of the scale how could you realize that there is the flip side. Every thing we have done in the past makes up who we become today. You are much wiser and open minded. You are unbiased and sound as if you are or already have become a beautiful soul. Take that information and feel proud of how you are today…this moment. Let your yesterdays go. Sandyz
from xxholding-on :
hi i saw you were online and i really wanted the vote from diaryland towards a contest i joined. It's a coach marketing contest and i need as many votes as i can get, please help! http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=975395_34070543&pid=2767347&scid=452
from fightn4life :
Never give up...never-never-never. Everything is possible, I believe this. My thoughts sre with you, Sandyz
from julymalaise :
Thanks for adding me, and I will add you.
from julymalaise :
Wow, I like the diary, may I add?
from fightn4life :
I am so glad to see you back and posting. You sound as though this move might have been a good one…besides if we come to terms with who we are and feel comfortable about it how can it be called a bad move. I say that as I have been in three states from your last post and moved about six times. I think I may have finally found my stride. So good to read your entry, welcome “home.” Sandyz
from chalkstain :
it's great to have you back, uncensored again. my computer died an awful horrible death just after you gave me the password for this username, and being stupid i never saved any passwords to get into any locked sites. i felt like too much of an ass to ask again. really though, this place has missed you.
from silverluna :
thanks for letting me know. I feel special. :)
from bantenhut :
Hey julie! Good to see you back, can't wait to read whatever you have to say next!
from silverluna :
By the way, did you know your most recent entry is dated 09.11.04??
from silverluna :
sorry for all those notes. I got one email today. thanks. ^_^
from silverluna :
I wish I had your username/password. I don;t know if you sent me anything...
from silverluna :
I wish I had your username/password. I don;t know if you sent me anything...
from anainsight :
Hey there - I had a MAJOR system crash a few days ago and I lost the e-mail with your username and password - would you please e-mail it to me again? zippityfeets (at) yahoo (dot) com. Thanks!!!
from silverluna :
heylo. can I get a user/pass too? I miss reading your diary. chilechick316 at hotmailDOTcom
from chalkstain :
done. thank you, love.
from fightn4life :
My computer went black when the hard drive fried. I lost user name and pass words. I am groveling for new ones. :) Sandyz ozarkdrm@gmail.com
from jehsika :
um...username/password, please? If not, it's okay...I understand the need for privacy. it would be jehsika at msn dot com
from chalkstain :
any chance of username and password? if not, it's okay. but might i just add, please?
from anainsight :
Hey there, could you please e-mail your username and password to me? zippityfeets (at) yahoo (dot) com. I would appreciate it a lot - haven't been able to see your updates lately. Hope you're doing well!
from chalkstain :
it sucks that you're not updating here anymore. damn you me love, damn you.
from bantenhut :
hey! i just noticed you're online right now. what do you think of this new DL layout? i'm liking that it's less girly. anyway, it's 4 am in texas! and i'm moving to blogger too, slowly but surely. my screenname there is keenjane, if you're interested. have a good one!
from mirrors-lie :
How? It's called Bulimia. ;-)
from chalkstain :
i went to the dundrum shopping centre recently enough for the first time - it's actually got amazingly few decent anything's. and yes, uggly boots, what the hell!?
from chalkstain :
i'm getting the gears now, finally. it's the starting and stopping that screws me up, i'm still terrified of junctions, traffic lights and roundabouts. evil!
from stepfordtart :
Hello dear! Thanks for adding me! Shall I do the same? OK then. s x
from fightn4life :
Loved this entry, I too think back on yesterdays, I do recall them all, (darn it) wish I could forget some of my past. They say it takes every step we take to get right here where we are today, hum…sounds right. I am unclear what I plan to do in my tomorrows and Lord knows I am a long way from 18. I'll figure it all out one day at a time, (this is not my suggestion for you) Sandyz
from luxelady :
thanks you for your sweet thoughts...it means so much...
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. Congratulations on your big swim - sounds like you really did well. I could never do it, that's for sure - anyway, I'm thinking of you and Guinness and Dublin. (((hugs)))
from chalkstain :
oh love love love. when he performed that song right in front of me, i could've sworn i felt the world's heartbeat. that song is everything.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your sweet note. My little Kika has gone to the Rainbow Bridge to wait for me. I just miss her so much right now it's awful. Maybe she will make friends with your friends' pets while she waits for me to come for her.
from chalkstain :
god, there's so much i just haven't written about. i really need to get myself going with writing again - properly. well, as of june, i've pulled out of my deferral to the course in UCD. i was really looking forward to it, english (which i LOVE LOVE LOVE), psychology and philosophy. but i went ahead and pulled out anyway, unsure of what i would do instead. just so i could be close to home, safe, near everything familiar. i eventually applied for a year long photography course in waterford, but later i found an ad in the back of the local paper for a psychology degree course in waterford. i've been accepted for that now instead, so i'm gonna live with a friend there. it's much closer to home and i know so many people there, i doubt i'll feel lost at all. i'll miss getting the chance to continue studying english for now, i'll miss dublin and etc. but it's for the best. ah well - here's to hoping you fucking LOVE studying in ireland. and fair play on swimming in the irish sea - i haven't braved it at all this summer shamefully
from anainsight :
I know EXACTLY how you feel about work. I have the same problem, it's like it's a killing depression to be stuck in a job you hate. I would prefer to die. I've had this problem nearly all my life. You say there's only one thing that you are meant to do - read, write and research. Well, at least there are opportunities out there for you to do that. About all I'm good for (or was good for before I got sick) was singing and making music all day long. When I got sick I lost even that. So I am good for nothing now, I'll be lucky to find even a brain-killing job. I'm with you all the way on this one. (((hugs)))
from anainsight :
Hey there, hadn't heard from you in awhile and was wondering if school had started yet. When do you actually get to go to work? I know you're looking forward to that. Hope it isn't as hot over there as it is over here. It was 100 degrees today here in Atlanta but even hotter in a lot of other places. This hot weather sucks out loud. Well, gotta go, just wanted to say hey.
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note. I had problems withdrawing from Effexor and Buspar, I had all the hallucinations and headaches. But I made it eventually. I think I'll do OK here because I was taking twice the normal dosage of the cymbalta and reducing it by half seems to have made me feel a lot better. So hopefully I won't have the same problems like when I was coming off Effexor. Hope you're enjoying Dublin, although I understand that it must be frustrating for you not being allowed to work just yet. At least you have the gym and you can get all ripped! :)
from hedgehoggy :
What a delight! Normally, I don't tinker around in Diaryland anymore but your gym-life description was very funny. I'm a gymrat and proud but your description of things in yours was funny as well as informative. You'll notice that gyms will vary in things such as the atmosphere but it's the people that leave a long impression. Nice mid. My girlfriend hates it when I run because my ass leaves me. Something to spank, no?
from fightn4life :
Wow, I have done that…back when you got a little diary with a key I would write about my childhood ramblings. I was a disaster of a speller (Was?) LOL I have 6 years of diaries written years gone by, then I kept journals now Blogging. Wow, change, and I love change. Music is a passion, listening to writers lyrics is like a peek into ones soul, when I write poetry it comes deeper than I can explain, like the purging of ones thoughts. I love it. I enjoy your entries, Sandyz
from anainsight :
...COLD!!! (Sorry I hit the enter key too soon). anyway. hope you're doing well. peace!
from anainsight :
Hello from Georgia - I was just wondering something. Don't know if you're a Harry Potter fan or not but I was wondering how the release of the new book went in the U.K.? It certainly got hyped enough here. I'm still only on page 29 whereas everybody else has already finished the whole thing 2 or 3 times. Oh well, I'm an idiot. anyway. Just wondering. Congrats on winning the race, btw, but that sounds like it was AWFULLY
from sadistiksoul :
silly girl. step outside yourself.
from anainsight :
OMG, you are so fecking right. I effing HATE cigarette smokers and their noxious fumes. And I'm certain they have no idea how bad they smell because they have burned all their taste buds away. Doesn't take but one whiff and my dinner (or coffee, lunch, whatever) is ruined. Fortunately, the no-smoking regs around here are pretty strict, but you know where is the worst place to run into it? Outside the door in the hospital! It's supposed to be the healthiest, cleanest place around and yet you can see all the doctors out there puffing away whenever you walk out the door. And they have the nerve to twitch me about my weight. I've always wanted to say, "OK, I'll lose weight if you'll quit smoking." But I don't have the guts. Oh well. peace!
from chalkstain :
you and your heart of gold. i'm glad you've found your place.
from fightn4life :
I loved this entry because it made me laugh, you are refreshingly honest…I love that. You look adorable in your glasses; if some one finds the other pair then you have a spare. No harm in that. Sandyz
from anainsight :
Hey there, thanks for your note. I'm glad you like my template, I love it! Have your pets finally made it to you? Hope they are adjusting well. I know exactly what you mean about your glasses being a part of your identity. I had my identity smashed last October when I was switched to bifocals. I can't walk or drive with them, all I can do is read. I hate them - I'm going to get new ones with my OLD prescription! This time I'm going to get RED ones. anyway. Whatever's been making me so crazy dizzy is not my blood sugar, because every time I check it it's normal. Don't know why I'm feeling so skewed. Glad you got your identity back. peace!
from fightn4life :
What a beautiful entry, I so needed to read that today. How awesome is that opening a world at the moment you need a little reminder. I have locked my diary due to my world going through life altering changes. I would be happy to share my new journey with you, scary as it feels at this moment, if you so desire. Leave me a note or e-mail me at ozarkdrm@ritternet.com and I will send you my username and pass world. Sandyz
from fightn4life :
I read your list twice, how fascinating. I will look forward to more interesting facts about a place I know so little about. Enjoy your dream, of course you're not nuts, you are living. That is what we are here for. Have fun, oh...before 6pm. :) Sandyz
from chalkstain :
wow it's awesome that you finally made it here to ireland, i'm psyched for you. and congrats on getting into ucd, i start there in september too. good stuff. good luck with everything... and take care ♥ (formerly known as cheekyash)
from anainsight :
Way to go! I knew you could do it, esp. after I read your play, it was awesome! Say hello to Guinness for me :)
from vintagepearl :
Have a safe flight and outstanding time Jules! Be sure to write, I have an undying passion to visit Ireland someday. Drink one for me! <33 take care
from anainsight :
I think it's exciting that you're going to have a new start in a new place. What about Guinness, is he going with you? I hope you'll still continue to update because I'll love to hear about your adventures in the emerald land. I loved your play, by the way, it was awesome yet gripping at the same time. Don't stop updating, and enjoy your last days in Texas! peace!
from raen :
OK, comments weren't working for me. I'll try here: First, Happy Birthday! *crimson confetti later discovered to be flaked blood* Second, great pic! Always wanted a floor like that. Third, get packing already! Ireland awaits! :D
from anainsight :
What in the world were you testifying before the texas legislature for? I'm really curious. I'd love to know what your book's going to be about, too. anyway. Please don't give yourself any more heart attacks. peace!
from silverluna :
you were in tampa and you didn't tell me?
from anainsight :
Hey there, hope you're doing better. I see that you've locked. If you're willing to share the password with me, please e-mail me at zippityfeets (at) yahoo (dot) com. please delete this note after you do so I won't get spammed. thanks!
from herdarlinsin :
You are hilarious chick.
from bantenhut :
you too, how funny to meet in person like that! see ya thursday!
from anainsight :
Get well soon!
from vintagepearl :
Good luck, Jules, you can do it!
from anainsight :
Merry Christmas!
from anainsight :
Congratulations, you now have a B.A. and a bright future as a playwright, if you so choose. That is so awesome. peace!
from anainsight :
wow, let me know when you get this produced for the stage. I'll be in the front row. that was wicked awesome. peace!
from vintagepearl :
CONGRATULATIONS!! :)
from anainsight :
I am learning a very difficult lesson; that I can't control hardly anything and it is making me crazy. All I can do is just breathe. Breathe, sweetie. peace!
from anainsight :
How long is it before you are finished with school? I can remember so well those last 6 months or so, when you're SO tired of it and all you want to do is get out. Even if it was more than 20 years ago I still remember it. anyway. I need a maid to clean my house too (giggle) Hope you get your to-do list done. peace!
from fightn4life :
"Bevo XIII dies at 22" was a wonderful entry...thank you so much for sharing an awesome life. Sandyz
from cheekyash :
yeah, i graduated when i was sixteen, i could pretend to be a super brain or just tell the truth. i started school a year early 'cause they needed as many kids as possible so they wouldn't have to fire a teacher. and i skipped fourth year. it just worked out that way. weird, now i'm the one having dreams about you. and your cat. hehe, it was damn strange.
from bantenhut :
Go longhorns! I saw one of your banners for the first time today. Woot.
from cheekyash :
just found out that 'the wind that shakes the barley' doesn't come out here in shops until the thirteenth. maybe it will come out over there too after all (?)
from cheekyash :
i haven't seen it yet, but it's definitely got itself a space on my lengthy 'must watch' list. and actually, i've never even heard of the idaho cafe. but, i have lived in a small hole all my life, a small town in co wexford. there's nothing here, and i never leave. i'm working on it though :) hope you're well.
from cheekyash :
hehe nice. dublin eh? i'll see you there ;)
from anainsight :
ha! Sorry I made you dream you got diagnosed with diabetes. It's not a pill, it's a shot, kind of like my insulin shots but a little bit different. Supposedly it's supposed to be a real miracle drug. anyway. Next time I write an entry don't dream about it (XD) peace!
from cheekyash :
i think ireland's had much more practice than most places. i've lived here always, i think i'm allergic to the sun. hope you're well.
from anainsight :
...I got rewarded because EVERYTHING on my list was on sale. Milk was $1.19 cheaper, dog food was 2 for $1.00 instead of .69 a can. I saved at least 10 bucks, and got to stock up because things I usually buy, like wheat thins, were buy one get one free. So virtue was its own reward. I waited until it got dark and there weren't but a few people in the store. I go to the Publix rather than the Kroger because it's smaller and it's quieter. Some of the things are a little more expensive but I don't care, it's worth it - and some of the things are cheaper too, so it balances out in the end. anyway. What do you need help with? Whatever it is, DO IT and you will be rewarded. Do you need to do laundry? I have about two loads which need doing, so that's next on my list. Take care and take yourself somewhere besides classes this week. I will be thinking about you. peace!
from anainsight :
Hey, guess what? I did it - I made it to the store. And I GOT rewarded because absolutely EVERYTHING
from anainsight :
OMG, I just read your last entry and it's like so TOTALLY me that I don't even know what to do. There are so many things that I have the same problem with. I need to go to the store, I need a lot of things, milk, turkey meat, granola bars, bagels, fruit, vegetables, etc. Lots of things. The floor needs vacuuming. I need to do laundry. I even need to wash my hair. But I don't do any of it. I can't stand to go out of my house to the mailbox, much less the grocery store. Thank goodness my little dog has a doggy door that she can go out. I only walk her in the evenings when we go visiting. I can so relate to your last entry. Maybe we could help each other? Send me a note and give me a swift kick to go and DO WHAT I NEED TO DO. And I'll help you too. Sorry, I just couldn't resist commenting on this entry. It's too much like me. peace!
from cheekyash :
i have to say i am just about in love with waterford also even though it's only a fifteen minute drive away, i should be sick of it. nah there are no easons in waterford as far as i know, it's just simply called 'the book centre'. i don't know if you'd know it, it's in the dead centre, just in a square among a lot of other shops. i really had no idea people from out of ireland ever really even ventured down to this end of the country, let alone loved it :)
from jehsika :
I know that sound, the sound of that sound. Your words on the screen translate to a sound. Buzzing Brain. Buzzing brain and a craving for seclusion. You've gone into diagnostic mode--"Don't bother me...I'm thinking." Anyhow, that's how it usually goes with me, YMMV.
from youdontknome :
Um I feel like we're the same person. I totally could have written that last entry about staying in bed. In fact I might have.
from sex--boy :
Your diary's really interesting.
from geoff-only :
I live in the UK and so have never seen the Today Show. But this meredith vieira bitch seems completely ludicrous. Have her committed. We have similar people over here trying to entertain us on the television. Oh how they fail.
from vintagepearl :
Haha, nice. I have to see that movie.
from vintagepearl :
Congrats on getting up that early! That's crazy! Your a beast, Julesta! Where's that "I believe diversity is an old, old, wooden ship built in the civil war era" quote from? A bunch of guys in my class repeat it all the time. <3
from vintagepearl :
You did a blockquote! Looks nifty :)
from vintagepearl :
You can change the colors to whatever ones you want, of course. Loveeeee.
from vintagepearl :
blockquote {background-color:#DC0061; color:#FFFFFF;padding:2px;border:1px solid #000000; }
from vintagepearl :
Helllooo Julesta. The layout was premade, so it had a built in HTML blockquote tag. To use it, all you have to do is <blockquote> and to end this blockquote </blockquote.> I'll post the tag which is in my diary in a new note. You put it somewhere near the top, not sure if it matters where, mine was after the bold, italics, and underline tags.
from jehsika :
Your positions may be replacable...YOU are not. You are the only you, as rediculously Mr. Rogers as that sounds it is TRUTH. I said it, so it must be true. Do not live for your positions. Live for what you can learn from those positions. I am not making a bit of sense am I. I feel very esoteric today, I'm suffering a sinus infection and hopped up on cold medicine. Don't disappear, I would miss you.
from anainsight :
Just wanted you to know I read your entry yesterday and that you wanted to disappear. I understand that, and I know you don't know me from Adam's housecat, but I would be very sad if you did. You're very honest and open, and that leads me to think that you have the power to overcome all this. anyway. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking good thoughts for you. peace!
from anainsight :
hee, hee, I thought EVERYBODY knew what Wally World was. It's Wal-Mart, and Wal-Mart sucks OR Wal-Mart rules, depending on what kind of mood I'm in that day! peace!
from vintagepearl :
Haha yeah. Personally I might throw in a couple birds.
from vintagepearl :
:*
from hattaway :
Hey! Noticed you are at UT/Austin and swim... Do you know Kacie Hattaway? She's my neice. That might be a stupid question; I realize it's a huge school. Just curious. laura_hattaway-at-hotmail.com . Hope your foot heals quickly so you don't have to buy a Hoveround just to get to classes...
from cheekyash :
feel better soon
from lonelywife :
well, i just found your diary. i think i needed to! ireland....the best place in the world! guinness and dublin...please give your pets hugs from me! not crazy, just a lonely wife trying to survive day to day happenings. hope you are well. and i hope that you don't mind that i added you to my favorites. take care, lonely
from vintagepearl :
Thank you :)
from vintagepearl :
Julesta! (I think I should call you that from now on. It's a pretty cool name, not gonna lie.) I wish we had Starbucks up here. It would greatly contribute to my coffee addiction and make my life easier with a broader selection of coffee shops. Because Starbucks rocks. Yeahhh.
from anainsight :
Thanks for reading; I don't feel so alone anymore. the picture of you & Guinness is SO CUTE!!! I wish I could post a picture of my little Kika on my site. anyway. Thanks again. peace!
from cheekyash :
i've never actually seen the one where grace got married, i always missed it. other than that, i think i've seen the majority as well. ireland, yeah, it's been raining here now for just about three days. relentlessly. heh, no place like home. anyway, hope you're well. don't overwork yourself. give the animals a hug from me ♥
from cheekyash :
University College Dublin. That's where I'm headed too heh. I could deny the fact that America affects us all a bit too much here, but that would be lying. I don't even know what real 'Irishness' is. Good luck anyway darlin.
from anainsight :
hey there, I got my meds changed too. I have to go back on Trazodone which sucks ass, but I'm going to do what she says. Hope the adderall doesn't bug you too much. peace!
from anainsight :
If you had schizotypal personality disorder, you wouldn't be seven months from graduation, and you wouldn't care to have Guinness, or care about the things you care about. If I were you I would take that test with a grain of salt. My therapist told me to. I still can't sleep. I hope she won't put me on trazodone though. Maybe if the adderall doesn't work, you can try Abilify. That seems to work OK for me. Now if I can just get my nights & days back on track. peace!
from youdontknome :
I've been reading your diary, and I like your new layout. That's all :)
from anainsight :
YES! finally I saw my therapist. I see my doctor on Monday. Hopefully then I will be out of this funk. Give a pat to Guinness for me. peace!
from anainsight :
I was very interested in the Personality Disorder test. I took it and I scored "Moderate" for every kind except "Low" for Obsessive-Compulsive and "Very High" for Avoidant. I don't know how I should feel. I decided not to cut & paste it in my journal, maybe I will some other time. I'm going to take a page from your book and fill out the survey you did earlier today. anyway. Hope Guinness is not too uncomfortable in the heat. peace!
from vintagepearl :
Yeah.. It's been quite nice here lately, weather wise. I've been having a good time latley but I'm stressing over stupid things, like enough clothes and I really need a haircut, it's been awhile. The cleaning and food making and organizing - bah. I hate all of that, haha.
from vintagepearl :
Luck with all, gorgeous, I know you can do it! How've ya been lately?
from jehsika :
oh darling girl, I do know how you feel. Try not to think too far forward (I know how hard it is to do, even as I'm typing it). Just think about the next hour. Or even just the next five minutes. Your new layout is great by the way, you know I love mischievious eyes.
from anainsight :
When I was in school I had many times when I felt the exact same as you do now; however at the time I lacked a therapist and a dietician and a support group, and I graduated on time. You will, too - I have faith in you. peace!
from raen :
Why in the world were you left to teach/work/grade yourself, and all alone? That's crazy. 8-O
from anainsight :
Whoa! My therapy appointment is 10:00 a.m. and if my calculations are correct, that's the same as 9:00 a.m. for you. So we will be in therapy at the exact same time a week from tomorrow. Funny stuff. Not only is my therapist out of town but also my psychiatrist who supplies the medication. Late summer sucks. Oh well. peace!
from raen :
Whoa! Pink! Eyes! 8-D "Sometimes it feels like somebody's watchin' me..." (Sorry, I just woke up and can't form decent thoughts yet.)
from anainsight :
Guinness is for sure the 2nd cutest dog in the world (next to my toy poodle of course) but what breed is he? He kind of looks like a Jack Russell but I'm not sure. I wish I had a camera so I could post pictures of my little baby and how cute she is (Smile)
from wistful-blue :
Clicked your banner, was skimming your "About Me" page - from your pic (just my pers. opinion) you look quite a lot like Jennifer Morrison ("Alison Cameron," HOUSE, M.D.) -cat
from camera-girl :
Clicked on your banner and here I am. That pic of you, is it taken in Ireland? Looked a little bit like Cliffs of Moher. Been in Ireland twice and I loved it there! Thinking of it makes me wanna go back. :-)
from anainsight :
hey there, I think that is awesome that you're going back to swimming. I gave up my music when I was at my sickest. It took a number of years for me to be able to go back to it - fear of failure, fear of the judgment of others, etc. But now I do it just for me and it's all just for fun. The competitive streak is gone. anyway. I saw your banner that "life still sucks after rehab". That is so true. anyway. I hope you continue to enjoy your swimming. peace!
from anainsight :
hey there, thanks for your sweet note. I really appreciate it. Keep on thinking of me, the actual funeral service is Thursday. Right now I don't think it's actually sunk in yet. I expect it will get worse before it gets better. peace!
from vintagepearl :
That's good in a way. Hairballs to those people who would make you feel bad, they no not anything, because they're DUMB. At least you get to ignore your birthday. My parents hog all the ignoring on mine, haha. Cheers to you too! Goblet. Gee I love that word. "Goblet." Say it with me now!
from vintagepearl :
Haha, thanks. Yeah, I've been wearing stuff lately "just in case" and I started this morning, I got up and did my regular routine - up, glasses, sweater, beeline to bathroom, pee - and I started! So I was like "Yes!" and then I continued my regualities. I hate those unprepared moments, and then you're like "Sheiteeeee". But I'm pretty good in bad situations like that. Heee.
from vintagepearl :
How was your birthday might I ask?
from jehsika :
breathe baby girl.
from vintagepearl :
HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYY!!!! WOOOOHHHHH IT'S YO BIRTHDAY YAAAAA! Mucho entertainment on your bday, don't party too hardy dear.
from vintagepearl :
Ah, the price of putting your face on Diaryland. If you want free image hosting, photobucket is good. Until you reach your limit. Damn me for taking large amounts of photographs and saving them to photobucket. Damn me.
from vintagepearl :
Random message number 2093: Heyyyy.
from vintagepearl :
Your face is back! x)
from vintagepearl :
Thanks for the noteee! Heehee, I miss your face on your diary, ha haaa. On the bright side, you could write up your life, sell it on the market, and make tons of money. Because the public loves drama. I'm thinkin of doing that when I'm older to earn me some money. Sell my life. It'll be a one hit wonder. Hearts.
from vintagepearl :
Just a note to say hello and I care. You're a remarkable person, and I am glad I stumbled upon your diary one day known to the past. Good luck with all you face, love.
from cheekyash :
Beidh tú ceart go leor, cailín. Beidh tú.
from anainsight :
It sounded like your next to last post you were feeling overwhelmed. I sure do know what that's like. When I dropped out of graduate school I felt exactly the same way, only I was in such bad shape I couldn't even articulate it enough to put it into words. Keep on writing. LOL about your next entry, btw. peace!
from jehsika :
In re: entry of 21:59 on 10.04.06...I have no advice this time, only commiseration, if that is any tiny comfort, to know you're not the only one...because I am feeling exactly the same way right now. Exactly.
from vintagepearl :
It was still scary.
from vintagepearl :
Oh, never mind. It was a ladybug. It was hard to tell in the dark.
from vintagepearl :
I was almost just killed by a moth.
from vintagepearl :
Hearts.
from vintagepearl :
I love the pictures!
from vintagepearl :
Have fun in Ireland! I'm going to go someday, haha maybe I'll see you there! I'm part Irish, along with everything else on the planet. I'm even one sixteenth Native American. :)
from vintagepearl :
Haha, yeah. Thankssss :) Glad for your support! Yeah, no time at all! Where has it all gone? Much love for you!
from cheekyash :
Hey, just a strange outta the blue message from somebody you've never even heard of. I think I found your diary from clicking on a banner, forgive me though if I'm wrong. But anyway, been keeping track of you every now and again. I live in Ireland actually, never been anywhere else in my life. I seriously have no idea what everybody loves about this place, it's only okay. Well sure anyway, have a great time when you get here. Aisling
from anainsight :
I loved your entry about your pet. I have one about my little toy poodle. She is my constant companion. She spends every spare moment she can get draped across me. She licks me on the face as often as she can. She sleeps in my bed. Everything I cook she gets a little of. I talk to her all the time. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. I believe I would die. Give your kitty a pat for me. peace!
from vintagepearl :
I love the poem under "I am". Tis a lovely.
from vintagepearl :
Thanks :) Yeah, I've been trying to act like everything is normal lately. Well, back to the way it was before. I still haven't met with a counselor, but I'd rather meet with the assitance guy at school, friends have said he's helpfull. I've been thinking about talking to him or this lady, and asking them to send a note to my parents telling them I'm already getting counseling, so I don't have to go to the place. That's what I was scared about, the counselors telling them what I think is going to be confidential. That's what I hate about being 15 and in the states, haha. I guess I'll just see where things go, and that dang light at the end of the tunnel is dangling over my head again. Talk to ya later!
from scotvalkyrie :
Thank you for adding me! In fact, I should go find a llama to talk to. I haven't done that in a while, and I'm afraid that the Hubster has usurped my llama-whispering.
from vintagepearl :
Thanks :) I really want to leave here, it's so bad and damaging, but the people didn't believe me. I know I'm not the worse off in the world, and I'm not beaten everynight, but four bruises within the course of two school years? There's emotional abuse, no doubt, and it's awful here, but no one is listening. I really don't know what to do, I should be able to stick it out though, I'm leaving right when I graduate and moving in with someone until college. *Hugs back*
from qjan :
I ate 3 oranges today... Well, actually they're clementines.
from jehsika :
Ah, yes, the mind does keep going after the keyboard stops clicking...too true. I'm trying not to let my imagination run away and just enjoy the moment. Cheers shug!
from vintagepearl :
Thanks for the quote by my diaryname! Many of my friends on here have a tendency to find quirky little things I've typed and use them as quotes. It's enjoyable to me, thanks again!
from vintagepearl :
I loved that entry. I spend so much time in the mirror, trying to perfect myself as to be accepted by others. Some see me as popular, but the majority of people I talk to daily aren't my friends, only acquaintences, and there is a large number that despise me. No one can truly understand how it is to hate yourself unless you've put yourself through hell, trying to make things better. The interesting perspective "troubled" teenagers have.
from vintagepearl :
Thanks :) Did you get out of your situation? My dad hasn't hit me much, but the memories are so bad, and the verbal and emotional abuse gets so overwhelming. My stupid guidance counselor hasn't even offered any advice or support, he's usually just like "I don't know what to say" or "I'm not sure I can help you with that" and I'm thinking, "You're a freaking guidance counselor, you're supposed to know what you're doing!" But alas, all is fair in love and war. Okay, that really made no sense but it was the first quote that came to mind, teehee. My social studies teacher has helped me out a lot, he knows everything that's going on and is giving me good advice. I'll talk to ya later, dearie, hope you're well!
from jehsika :
Hey shug, thanks for taking my silly little survey and especially for adding me to your favorites. I look forward to reading more of your diary.
from jehsika :
self-acceptance of what you are now is NOT acceptance of defeat. You can accept yourself as you are now and still want improvement, still grow and change and evolve. I thought I would always be that small (inside...whoa I was so not small outside), pathetic person married to a jerk who ignored me, I thought this is my life and it always will be. But I did change. it really is okay to accept the situation in front of you for what it is and still work to improve it. Geez I sound shrink-ish and I HATE shrinks, though I could probably use one. For what its worth, what I've read so far in your diary...I think you're great. Some of your entries really make me think and I love that.
from fairy-kill :
Hi hun, you seem really fun! I like your whole set up. So I just figured I'd tell ya sweety. k bye hun. -manda
from vintagepearl :
Hellloooo. You seem like an awesome person, someone who I could talk to without feeling an annoying vibe that compells me to throw something. Heehee. Note me back if you want! My name be Jill.
from the-clan :
BB: My sister is perpetually recovering from an eating disorder, too, or so she says, even though she hasn't had a relapse for about a year, I think. She says you never really get over it, but the important thing is that you keep trying. Oh, and Longhorns kick ass! I went to U.T. once, way back years ago. Ok, I'm just rambling now, sorry.
from dragprincess :
Good for you. I've also done the whole life change (recovery from drug addiction) and talk about having your eyes opened. One day at a time.
from silverluna :
hey. I don't know why you can't see my diary. Can you at least read it?
from my-lost-muse :
awsome banner even better site. gl with you're new rules.
from candoor :
without that conservative beginning, there'd be nothing to rebel against :)
from silverluna :
mmm...the woodlands sound hauntingly pleasant. I'm afraid to got here now because I may like it...lol, and I loved Ramona when I was a kid too. I think I read all the books...
from silverluna :
tis true: Backstreet's back...
from silverluna :
Where are you, J-Gal? I miss reading about you...
from silverluna :
Hello j-gal, just wanted to send a note from one fellow writer to another. Dont worry about the 19 year-old boredom thing. I didn't even realize how fast time flies. One minute I turned 18, then I was 21. And as I was just getting used to be 21, I turn 22. My 23rd birthday is coming soon, and I don't think I'm ready for it. I'm rambling, so this is what I really want to say: Get ready for the ride...
from sunnflower :
Good banner. Short and sweet (and pink!).
from the-regret :
I'm intrigued by your diary. brilliant
from babay7 :
hi.
from punkgurly :
I have too much time on my hands-- Translation Results by SDL International -- Hé the newspaper, I write in French today! As you can see, I am very bothered. I regret that my friends not not the can read, but they do not speak the French often. Oh well, has today been very entertainment. I am gone to the church and have eaten with friends. Checkmate called on me to the telephone. I require myself if it can speak the French as me? In any case, I have just observed Red Mill. This is the better film on the planet Earth. "Come what can.. I to like you to my day dying." Of such beautiful expressed words. "The Diamonds are the better friend of a girl!" tehehe. In any case, I am short of the French to express you, if to the to review for the moment. I like you all. ---Bonheur---.
from punkgurly :
carrie reads this too
from babay7 :
hey jules-- i havent seen the friends episode... do ya think u could keep it on ur TIVO? if not thats k... ttul! *jaime
from babay7 :
hey BABAY! heh-- dude, the news F*IN rocks! F-a-doodle-doo! heh... man that was funny... make sure to stay away from the herijuana... (LoL) anways..... chat lata ho! :) ~$~/bAbAy\~$~
from punkgurly :
hey jules! this is carrie! i think its RAD(my only word) that yous got a diary! i love to read ab your day cos it so...different! like you! yay! aight just thought i'd drop ya a line cos i aways love getting notes! cya round! (((.CaRRiE.)))

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