messages to vla:
(click here to add new message):

from fridayfilms :
Don't want to add to the drama or anything, but what are the chances of the MS poster being someone who knows none of you? Someone who emailed you recently and possibly did a little research. Just an idea.
from polly-esther :
V, I hope everything is OK. Did you get my e-mail? Could i have your pw? Since I'm leaving a note and don't want to put my primary e-mail address on here, could you send it to my other one, gri11edcheese5 at gmail dot com?
from raygirl999 :
What?! What did he do??!!!! I am freaking out!
from fridayfilms :
What is it? (I don't remember your email addres)
from thebeesknees :
Ugh, familial obligation nightmare through at least tonight. Hopefully she will be gone gone gone by tomorrow, at which time I will check in re the drinks patrol.
from justvivo :
Um, yeah. I'm a dope and didn't check the right email address. Got it! xo
from justvivo :
Sent you an e-mail... must read! :)
from thebeesknees :
You were strong the other night because you were in control, and once he said "Okay, I am cutting you off," the control was his. I think it's the lack of control that's making you feel cuckoo. If you need a chat or drinks or something this weekend just to get away for a bit, let me know. xo.
from justvivo :
I'll tell you what's reassuring, the fact that I can actually ramble like that and not feel like an ass.. :) I'm sorry you are having to go through the chaos again - even though I was on TeamM - if you're not in it, you're just not. Besides, I think the overbearing would be too much, too. Like you said 0 to a million mph. Gah. All I can say is have a blast next week. xo
from bettyford :
i know , right. and even if it did happen (which it *so* didn't) i don't even know if i would care that much. i mean, had it been another chick, shit woulda hit the fan . . .
from thebeesknees :
I am never pro-anyone more than I am pro-V. You did the right thing for you, and that's all that matters.
from thebeesknees :
Oh, he is apparently the "I don't usually have relationships, and therefore think that flowers fix everything as they do in films and television" guy. Ugh.
from thebeesknees :
He is a genius to the point that it almost freaks me out. I had to take the bf to the airport at like 5:30 a.m., so we ended up checking out at midnight as the show marched on. I don't know anyone looking right now, but I will keep it in mind. I know she is a good person, she is just dramatic, so no trepidation there.
from i-never-said :
Friday, I got my hair cut...6 1/2 in. cut off of it...It't al my shoulder now when I wear it curly...I really like it, alot less to deal with...I always wore it up and it really was too long for me to deal with...I jsut keep telling myself that I am saving $$ b/c I will use less shampoo and cond, and I don't have to use hairspray!...And it's so healthy and soft again...Totally go for it, not super short...Do it gradually, and stop when you are happy with the length and the look...
from limes-sugar :
yo. u went to go see K play?れあれあlly?OMG。tyピンgf路m負ぉ鵜r畝あ村s?ASIAN?
from jumblygiant :
good! enjoy yourself. with both of them. love ya.
from thebeesknees :
You're totally my dating hero.
from justvivo :
Then I just KNOW you've got tales to tell!
from justvivo :
Ok, I haven't gotten my vla fix (or three) today... WHERE ARE YOU?? :)
from i-never-said :
Thanks for letting me in again!...Can't wait to read up on what I've missed, and I'm going to start tonite...Glad we're DL friends again, too...
from justvivo :
Well, I'd love to join you for a glass-o (or three...) but US Airways is on the fritz. Anyhow - I know you are confused - gah. For some reason he's always had sort of a soft spot with me, too. But it's hard to take a relationship that you were treating as one thing and look at it in a different light. I don't know - you might have hit it on the head when you said that you're not sure you can be what he wants... but do you know why? xoxo
from raygirl999 :
I gave up alcohol for Lent so have a glass for me! And don't be so hard on yourself, just see what happens. Eventually you will figure out what is best for you.
from limes-sugar :
awww. poor mike. poor you! Where your head at beyotch? God, I hate confusing times. Argh.
from polly-esther :
Well, you know I'm on Team Mike and guess what? Looks like you are too! You're right, no need to decide anything at the moment. Do you feel like you could love him too?
from thebeesknees :
dude! no, judgment, just...dude!
from jumblygiant :
aw, girl. what's done is done. not that it should make you feel any better (not that you should feel bad!), but i probably would have done the same thing. reminder: cabana boys and strong drinks and sunshine. offer still available. love you.
from polly-esther :
Oh jeez. What happened? Are you going to tell R?
from bettyford :
oh shit. oh shit. oh shit. miss v "can't be alone" a. you remind me of me, except skinny.
from jumblygiant :
girl, no judging from me on anything. damn, if i don't get making crappy decisions when it comes to boys, then i don't know anything at all. and i think lizzie's question about whether you'd be feeling this if R were in town is a good one. I hope M isn't being a manipulative prick trying to make you feel guilty over something that you can't control, in hopes of pulling you back in. Let's sell everything we own and vacation somewhere warm for 3 months and then come back and start fresh? please? our only worries will be which hot cabana boy will get us our delicious drinks.
from meltingblu :
hi. I want to say this. boys "cave" things...girls excavate...women want to talk it out, feel it out "come here baby, let's work it out"....boys retreat..go down deep, dark into themselves and just brood...they don't cry to their friends over rejection or loss. I think right now it's obvious his ego is pretty shattered and he feels well, rejected and possibly a little ridiculous for all his gut spewing. I don't think it means it wasn't or isn't love...I think maybe it means you're both kind of feeling a--what do we do now? feeling...and where as you are reaching out..he's retreating in. It's too the point of all or nothing. it got to that crevice...and now the question is just hanging. Also, I have a question for you...if Rob were in town and not touring.....would you be feeling this hard over mike? (it's an honest question with absolutely no implications or judgements.) xo
from thebeesknees :
You can't blame yourself for not reciprocating feelings, so none of this is anyone's "fault." You certainly do not deserve to deal with any of this nonsense. It's natural to be sad. Just don't let a cuckoo boy drag you into hyper-emotional meltdown. He is definitely doing all of this on his terms alone, and that sucks.
from thebeesknees :
Cuckoo boys, oh my! Poor girl.
from privateinny :
hey miss. sounds like you need to let yourself land a little. be in your skin, in your space. sit still. xo
from meltingblu :
hey lovely.......no more texts. no more calls. no more emails. make it done. you can't make it better. he is drowning and yer on the shore...but it's not your place to save him. he's a big boy. responsible for his feelings. you didn't cause anything. you were you. he was him. he fell in love. you--didn't. it happens. and you care, yes, of course. but. the best..the most caring thing to do is just....end. period. sentence. paragraph. lovelove.
from polly-esther :
Ugh. That's not cool. I might have to rethink my opinion on this issue.
from polly-esther :
I might not write every day, but I'm still reading you every time you update... Your life is just a little more interesting than mine. I'm still pulling for Mike, by the way. I'm going to make a t-shirt that says "CAMP MIKE."
from limes-sugar :
god. fuk u bitch fuk u bitch I didn't realize it was the March. Shit. Goddamnit. March? Already? Almost spring!
from thebeesknees :
I totally love that you write "dunzo." I don't know why, but it fills my monotonous workday heart with glee.
from limes-sugar :
Favorite line of this entry: I passed out in my clothes with my jacket & one boot on last night. Funny funny. Well, shit. I hate those nights. Sounds like a night of missed connections- you and M didn't connect properly, you and R didn't connect properly. Ugh. Drunken texts are the worst!! On my phone, it won't save my texts, only the ones received. So I can only see what I am writing. The next day I am like, WTF am I even talking about? So...what is the deal with M? Are you sure you are over? R isn't back til the end of March?? Or Feb?
from thebeesknees :
You should call and leave Rob a message sometime this afternoon that's like "Sorry we didn't really get a decent chance to talk last night. Give me a call if you want when you find somet time." He'll pick up if he can, and you know he'll call you back. That inaccessibility sucks, though. Also,crazy night! I will update later. I am off to get my hair did.
from limes-sugar :
Man. MAN! Now, I am feeling all heavy and burdened. I don't know. I don't KNOOOW. Shit. What to do? Sounds to me like you need to distance yourself from Mike? Cause you can't trust yourself? :) I don't know!!!! Like, I read those emails between the two of you and, for fuck's sake, I missed him, even! Shit. killing me. what up with rob?
from bettyford :
mikey needs to stop making ME fall in love with him. i'm married!
from polly-esther :
Awww! Now you have to sleep with him. HAHA! Kidding.
from privateinny :
Holy shit I feel u on that! I'd be pissed. A state I accutely hv understood in life. Honestly she's a little wreckless ..emotionally, w boundaries and possibly w her need for whatever it is in the moment to preceed anything else. I hv suchhhh a hard time interpriting others intentions and believing the best. I'm struggling w it too right now w dj going to busies party. Wout me and *not*even telling me. I get it man. I'm just trying to breathe and not hook too deep into angr, my old gr addiction. Just pass breathe and if he she whoever really is that human? Is it okay? He may have been callous. Is imperfection okay? Sigh. With u.
from bettyford :
G went where no friend (much less, a BFF!) should go. your relationship, YOUR bizness. when i read mikey's email, i was kinda surprised at G's actions, but assumed that you knew about the convo and that u were OK with it, b4 he emailed u b/c u never mentioned it in the entry. sometimes i question her integrity as a friend. as your BEST friend. and i've had friends like that, that i've loved so much and wanted to be a wide open book with them and then had them betray me in one way or another. u just need to know what to censor. in the case of u and S, though? i mean, how could u not tell her, 'cause he would, right? so u just need to always make sure you cover your ass with the, "don't tell anyone this . . . " type of statement with G. i've found that works with my "big mouthed" girls. and if some shit like that happens again, you will KNOW that nothing is safe. besides all that though, she has NO reason 2 b angry with u. GAH!
from polly-esther :
Well, G is moving anyway, right? Maybe it's time for you guys to go your separate ways. I know you're close, but there's really no excuse for what she did. If you can't trust your best friend, who can you trust? About Rob, is he going to stay away from other women while he's on tour? I guess I just like you and Mike together for some reason...
from thebeesknees :
g wants to feel important, and wants to be a part of things she isn't, and she was clearly feeling left out so she decided to inject herself into the situation. r is not gone, he's merely away. you have said 100 times you don't want to date mike in any serious way, and i think you need to stick with that, although it sucks that you can't be friends right now. i think you hit upon it with the "another break up?" thing because you want to shield yourself from the pain of that, even if it is something you want. i'm sorry this is eating you up. it just proves you're a good person. don't let anyone make you think otherwise.
from privateinny :
Holy shit I feel u on that! I'd be pissed. A state I accutely hv understood in life. Honestly she's a little wreckless ..emotionally, w boundaries and possibly w her need for whatever it is in the moment to preceed anything else. I hv suchhhh a hard time interpriting others intentions and believing the best. I'm struggling w it too right now w dj going to busies party. Wout me and *not*even telling me. I get it man. I'm just trying to breathe and not hook too deep into angr, my old gr addiction. Just pass breathe and if he she whoever really is that human? Is it okay? He may have been callous. Is imperfection okay? Sigh. With u.
from thebeesknees :
I thought that was kind of an insidious and meddling thing to do, but I didn't want to say anything because I feel like I am always coming down on G when I leave messages about her. My BFF used to do stuff like that all the time, because she's nosy and has to be in everyone's business, so I feel you on this one. You should bring it up, tell her you thought it was bs, and hope she doesn't do it again. Very frustrating.
from dieselengine :
That is a pretty shitty thing to do. she could have just said, "So are you sleeping with anybody else?" I mean...come on! She could have definitely asked in a manner that did not throw you under the bus. I know she is your best friend and all, but I am not sure I could trust her.
from jumblygiant :
good luck doll. might as well get it over with. and then you can happily daydream about R. or something.
from limes-sugar :
yo. did you have the talk? I know. I drank the wine. I drink the wine. Lots. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it...does not. Sometimes it makes me to emotional. So. tell me how it goes!
from bettyford :
love you. i'm excited 4 u. but sad 4 mikey.
from thebeesknees :
Yeah the lady at BBW told me that Penelope's was going to get a bunch of stuff in during the spring. I was looking for a new haircut, so that is a good idea. Torn between growing it out or cutting it, but with that one at least the back is longer so it's less messy to grow out. Also, who wouldn't want a crazy mullet during the growing out period? Oh, wait, me.
from thebeesknees :
Apropos of nothing (and in spite of you saying you don't want to spend money on stupid stuff), may I recommend that you check out all of the cute minidresses on the Built by Wendy website? Also, I almost fell asleep on the phone with Josh at like 8:40 last night. My energy is also zero.
from limes-sugar :
oooo. this last entry. the part about you being so young you were ABLE to fall in love like that. made a little tear form. I miss those days a little :). What's been up. We may have to myspace each other full updates- I have been out of the loop for the past week. x.
from jumblygiant :
aww. so glad you had such a good night/morning with R. and that M is calming the f down. personally, i say stay away from M for a week or two. it's just going to fuck with both of you. avoid that drama if you can. xo.
from thebeesknees :
Wow, I missed a lot of drama. At least Mike was trying to keep it non-mean, quite unlike Sean who just came across as an a-hole. Also, that "wishful thinking" seems to be working.
from jumblygiant :
holy. fuck. v. also, before i forget, you should get a credit card that gives you airline miles so you can go see G when she moves. but, Mike. Jeez. what an intoxicating little vixen you are. haha. hang in there though, seriously, it will all sort itself out. xoxo.
from polly-esther :
You're such a heartbreaker! That's kind of creepy and disturbing how both Mike and Sean just flipped out on you. WTF?
from meltingblu :
1st...thank you for your note the other day, it helped with my "perspective" issues which i sometimes run into..2nd....damn (the mike stuff)..in his defense i would say though that 7 months is a long time to try and keep something casual...and i think it's kind of a given that one party would end up for more attached. however, the long, gut wrenching emails are a little immature and very guilt-ridden...which i don't think is fair. you shouldn't feel guilty for not feeling the same way or seeing rob. the myspace part? hilarious. 'the whole site reminds me of you" wow. how 2007 of you. hehe. sorry. anyways, hope you feel better! xo
from ladiebug :
dang, that was a very gut wrenching email... but, you were honest and i think it just has to ride out awkwardly for a bit. sorry to hear you're going through stuff right now, not even with m but with r leaving. :/
from raygirl999 :
Awwww V I am so sorry :-( Why do guys keep freaking out on you? You are totally cool of course :-)But you are honest with them so why do they get so pissed? Whatevs, good luck with R. You seem to like him so much, yay!
from jumblygiant :
good luck doll.
from ladiebug :
yikes... good luck with that. :/
from thebeesknees :
Thanks for the scoop. I have weird loyalty to my girl, just because I've gone to her so long. She does short hair really well, but not long hair, hence my rec that you go to someone else. But I have been thinking about going somewhere else for color, because she doesn't even make an effort, so....good to know! Maybe I'll be a big cheater!
from polly-esther :
I have the cheap account too, but if you download your pics to Photobucket it gives you the HTML code that you can paste right into your entry box. I don't know why anyone would pay for a gold account on here anymore since you can get everything that it offers for free on the Internet.
from polly-esther :
take a picture! i want to see your new hair!
from thebeesknees :
BF!
from sosuga :
Oh no sister I didnt mean it in a malicious way about Mike: I meant: aww, he misses you and then: Look how happy you are though! But I guess it came across more like you are happy he's missing you? Didnt mean it like that, I have nothing against him just saying that its clear you are in a better frame of mind now and its good to see that!
from sosuga :
aww! Mike!! misses you!!! and look at you sooooOOooOo happy! Would you have guessed you would be in this situation? like a month ago I'll bet you were not thinking: I am going to be ridiculously happy with someone and mike is totally going to be chasing me. hehehe I LOVE IT!
from polly-esther :
He'll be back! I thought he was moving. It's just over a month, no big deal! (of course, you could meet a new person or three during that time...)
from polly-esther :
I know you mentioned this, but where is Rob going? Is he like moving to another city?
from thebeesknees :
maybe you should txt or email r and just say something like "we should hang out before you leave town" and see what response you get?
from thebeesknees :
i totally know the lawyer dj that interviewed r. i went to law school with him, assuming he works for q to the one oh one.
from limes-sugar :
hm. sigh. i am glad you are in love. even if it ends in the tears. f it. glad you are giddy. I would fucking love to be giddy over a dude. love it. i spent v-day with faith. 2 single girls. Oh well, the food was good!! holla.
from raygirl999 :
If you don't want to be with MT I can't imagine it will be fun for either of you tonight. Instead of there being 3 unhappy people (you, MT because you won't be happy and R) if you hnag with R only MT will be sad. Yeah that sucks but you should have a happy day today too!
from jumblygiant :
doll, you are free to do what you want, whether it is go out with one boy or hang with g or sit and home with your fuzzball. you are allowed to date at will and change your mind a hundred times and as long as you're not purposely hurting feelings of people (which you're not), then no need to feel bad. winter is fucking us up the ass here too. miserable.
from thebeesknees :
Do either of these boys know you are seeing the other? I only fear R finding out and being hurt, even though he's totally not your bf and you have no reason to not see other people. I'm assuming M has some idea, seeing as you declined the "be my gf" invite.
from thebeesknees :
Scratch the date or scratch the liking R?
from jumblygiant :
i am looking forward to an entry where MT and R are dueling over you. With flame throwers or perhaps some sharp devices. if they do, i expect photos for that entry. maybe even a video.
from justvivo :
MT is so in the loves with you...
from thebeesknees :
It's easier to have an iron will when you think someone is worth keeping around. Glad you had fun, lady.
from limes-sugar :
Ummm. K baby married what? What? What? How did I miss that F-ing entry? OMIGOD. R..what? what? WTF.
from thebeesknees :
Because I think he might just be a little bit of a retard, and I think one additional solo outing might help you decide whether he is just oblivious or totally annoying or what?
from jumblygiant :
he better have asked you a certain question that will result in wining and dining you.
from raygirl999 :
Ack, like reading your entry is like being in my life times 2. It's the same stuff. Things just suck right now but they have to get better. They just do because life is a big sill cycle. I think some soup and a nice warm nap are in order.
from bettyford :
send that fucker rob an ms message with like a plan already made. like, lets do "so and so" thursday or friday or saturday. just make a little effort. and as bees said, if he isn't all about it, fuck him. that way, it won't look like g (i so hate that her ms page is private and i can't gawk at it) took him off her top 8 b/c you're, like, "hurt" or whatever. and have a glass of wine and cheer up. if you can. if not, just know - life isn't always cheerful. which, of course, you already know.
from thebeesknees :
Okay, I'm gonna tkae back what I said before. Send the dude an email that says "So, let's do something this weekend." If he blows it off, then f him. Also, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I cannot pretend to know what to tell you. xo.
from lisasays :
YES on the drinking. you need to move to nyc so we can hang--like you said, we obviously operate on identical timelines so we'd always be free the same nights!
from lisasays :
yeah wtf--he went OUT?? Don't write, don't text, don't call. If he comes back with a fabulous date and hearts, then MAYBE. But fuck him. Sick boys=lame.
from thebeesknees :
he strikes me as oblivious
from thebeesknees :
if he doesn't propose a new date before about wednesday, after you shoot an email out there, then he is a procrastinator who will irritate you to death in a relationship.
from dieselengine :
It is actually warmer in Chicago today than it is in Ohio. Fuckity fuck.
from thebeesknees :
dude, i cannot fault rob for wanting you to watch the puppy bowl on animal planet. i watched it for way too long yesterday, and it totally warmed my heart. and they had a kitten half time show! so, yeah, forgive him because he was in cute overload.
from bettyford :
i so called that sean thing. didn't i? didn't i? something was just "off". boys w/good taste in music and too much brain are sometimes scary. who knows what is up on the rob front? maybe he just doesn't feel like being "on". you know? and he is prolonging this illness as an excuse. pull him out. he is intimidated by the wonder that is vla. i betcha'. also, don't get so freaking down on yourself with the little "escapes", K? we all do what it takes to get us through the fucking day(s). there is nothing wrong with you. just go and enjoy your vices and hot mikey sex.
from meltingblu :
i feel the exact same way. minus the cold part (which i know usually kills me too). and im in costa rica and much more afraid of the drug scene here. but i could do it. i mean, i would. i dunno what helps anymore, but just know that even across oceans **-----**
from polly-esther :
It seems like he's been sick for a very long time, longer than the standard two, MAYBE three days. From the e-mail it just sounds like he's bored. I can't believe he just saw Heathers -- that's one of my favorite movies ever.
from raygirl999 :
Dude, I know you like this guy, but Heathers is my fave movie ever and I don't think he fully appreciates the awesomeness. Shannen is the obviously best Heather (hello Moby Dick and 87 style bulimia) Annnd the ending was the best part for sure. Anyway I think he may be trying to play super cool now since he totally asked you out in like 5 seconds. I don't think you should worry too much. Just go with the flow.
from thebeesknees :
Dude, I don't like them at all. Someone gave me that CD a couple of years back and it's been sitting in my "to sell" pile since then. I probably like other things you would find annoying though. Nice that he's gross on top of insane. Ugh! This Rob seems cute. I hope it works out...xo.
from dieselengine :
my sean=awesome your sean=crazy
from thebeesknees :
He was about our age at the time, and I was maybe 24 or 25. I think dudes have an emotional meltdown around this time in their lives. Also, you are beautiful and smart and funny and cool and I can see him being upset that you aren't having it. Nonetheless, he could have some dignity and go out and sleep with anonymous girls out of upset like any normal boy would do. Churchy how? Like choir-y? Polyphonic Spree-y?
from limes-sugar :
Indeed. The problem with caring IS that you start to care. damnit. And the problem with being done is..you are done.
from thebeesknees :
Dude, good move on the S. front. I had an S. of my own in the past, and he got so emotionally unhinged that he showed up at my friend's flat in London (!) when I was on vacation to "just talk" about why I wouldn't date him. He also lived in Brooklyn, so maybe the W'burg crazies need to be avoided.
from polly-esther :
Jesus, what a freak!!
from raygirl999 :
Wooooowwwww, he is quite infatuated and a tad scary isn't he? It's a good thing he doesn't live any closer to you. Yikes!
from lisasays :
You're being paranoid girl! He's definitely sick--he wouldn't bring up all the specific nasty symptoms if he were just trying to give you the brush. Think about it...if you were trying to blow someone off, you'd say "I'm not feeling well--sorry, call you later." And then not call. So don't sweat it.
from thebeesknees :
Also also? Someone should tell S. he is totally selfish and self-absorbed and needy.
from thebeesknees :
I think he was just letting you know soon so you didn't feel blown off at the last minute. Maybe you can say that if he feels up to it, you guys could just stay in and hang out and watch movies or something? Or you could offer to bring him food or meds or something? Also, glad you dodged the S. bullet. What a cuckoo!
from hungry-hippo :
omg i have been so behind on basically everything but esp diaries and i just read yours and have some fucking COMMENTS! First, Kevin married w/ baby WTF?!?! Second, funny how you are kind of over your Mike like I am over mine, kind of in the same situation -- fun to hang out but kind of just... done. Third, yay that you are so totally giddy about this new guy! I need to meet a Rob. Where is Rob? Maybe I will walk around all day today asking cute guys "are you Rob?" hahaha. Love you babe. :)
from thebeesknees :
ooh, good boy news! glad to hear it!
from limes-sugar :
excited much? hahahahahahahaha.
from limes-sugar :
slut!! weeeee. I kid. love it.
from limes-sugar :
hey. i can't find your email? for my new user/pass? email me yo.
from sosuga :
Yep I agree: you are applying the brakes a bit because you like this one more than usual. I think its cute! YAY!
from bettyford :
ha!ha! sean can EAT IT! poor mikey, though.
from dieselengine :
Sounds like you are taking things a little slower because you REALLY like him. Good for you!
from ladiebug :
yay for giddy excitement!! i hope you have the best time tonight!!
from polly-esther :
Cool!! I hope you have a great time tonight! :)
from jumblygiant :
hee. and yay!
from sosuga :
omg. OMG! Band boy! HELL YES! Watch out for those types tho, heh, theyre easy to fall for ;)
from raygirl999 :
Hurray for the update! That guy sounds a tad overly involved. You were honest with him and he just can't take it. And anyone who would end a 10-year friendship because a woman didn't like him is ridiculous.
from jumblygiant :
totally made it thru that. was waaaaaiiitting. trying not to be all psycho, like, update already lady. i understand as i'm not exactly the queen of updating on a regular basis. the way i see it, january is the month to get all of the stupid awful crap out for the year, and then the rest of the year will be fucking perfect and lovely. right? god i hope so. also, feel better. missed ya.
from justvivo :
YAY! I am updated! It's been too damn long without the vla fix! And no, I did NOT have to take a pee break in the middle of your entry! Loved it - the S thing - ewww. Too.Much.Drama. Sucks that it turned out that way, but... you know. I still like the M situ. Don't know why. Just do. It seems to make you smile. Most of the time. xo
from bettyford :
the dland lacks luster without the vla. i hope you find them words soon, baby!
from raygirl999 :
It's been so long, I hope you are well. Take care!
from bettyford :
where are you? worried!
from geek-betty :
thank you for the happy b-days :)
from thebeesknees :
five days? hope all is well. update when you get a chance, foxy lady. xo.
from jumblygiant :
v, i can't believe that about K. truly unbelievable. hope you're okay. 3 days, no updatey? boo. don't make me call you! love you.
from lisasays :
HOLY SHIT! I can't believe it...wait, i sort of can. My first boyfriend did that to me--we were together a year and a half (mind you we were 17), and a month after we broke up he got married. I think they realize how great they had it with you and they suddenly want the security of someone who can't leave them...i don't know. Just hypothesizing. Crazy. Hope you're doing ok. What a shock.
from dieselengine :
I can't even imagine how you feel. When I read today's entry it reminded me of that episode of Sex in the City when Carrie turned the corner and saw Aiden after so long...and he had a baby strapped to him...and he told her he was married. And all she could do was think "What the fuck?!" I am sure you feel that but ten times more. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
from smallhanded :
Oh man, I feel like crying right now. I don't know why exactly...I just can't even process that information and can imagine how hard it must be for you. God. Insane. I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Take care.
from sosuga :
also: meant to ask this but my meds kinda (Really) are not doing the jobby job anymore. what does your dr. have you on? er, actually I guess that may not apply because I was diagnosed with Dep, but anyhow. I'm on wellbutrin and I think it has stopped working. oy.
from ladiebug :
oh my gosh.... i so did not see that coming. seriously, i'm so shocked i don't even know how to reach out to you... just know i'm thinking of you! :/
from justvivo :
Oh wow. Holy shit. I'm sorry... xoxoxo
from sosuga :
um yeah. maybe I am not the only one that has this kind of shit happen to? WTF dude. Married with a baby on the way, thats really cute. Good luck playing house, moron. I give it 1 yr tops.
from raygirl999 :
That sucks :-(. I am sorry but I think that you will come out of this stronger than before.
from fridayfilms :
I'm sure he's settled down because he's just so grown up now. Ugh. If Paul ever sent me an email like that, I think I would probably gag. I'm sorry, vla. Not a nice circumstance for you. But do know that you're a strong girl and there are much healthier people in the world who would give their right arm and even left arm for someone like you.
from bettyford :
oh. my. fucking. god.
from meltingblu :
oh girl........i dont even know what to say. xoxoxo
from thebeesknees :
JIGGA WHAT???????????? Ugh, hope you're okay. You should buy them a box of condoms. Jesus.
from polly-esther :
WTF?! You're kidding me! That was quick! This has to be tough for you to swallow...Thinking about you.
from ladiebug :
hrm, obviously this is largely based on my experiences, but do you think, in some way, that you like the cat and mouse game? i'd never admit it, but i know that i tend to like guys until they want more, then think it's not a challenge and go on to the next one. or, i pick guys that have some sort of 'fatal flaw' (like with your s, the distance is somewhat of a 'flaw'), so it gives me reason to not pursue it? and with m... hrm... i guess i can see why you wouldn't want him as a boyfriend if you find him boring, but that one kind of threw me for a loop since i thought you were starting to get into him?
from meltingblu :
I don't know. it's like we give too much and they don't want it, we give too little and they start grabbing everything. Here's the thing, can i just be honest with you? I think you deserve better/more friends. I know you and G are close like sisters, but it seems like she hurts you a lot...and ESP with that threaten thing, that is wayyyy fucked up. she's supposed to be yer safe zone, yer 'say anything and i wont judge' bff...yes, it's complicated with the sean sich, but tough shit......you're not asking for her opinion, you just need her to LISTEN. that's the role. that's the whole idea right? I've had my fair share of toxic friends (remember the felon roommate?) and that's why i feel like i can say this to you..because ive SO been there, with many people, many times (hell, you could even lump jon in). I'm sure therapist talk would say it's something about boundaries and emotional blurrs and lines and blah blah...but I think you get what i mean. She shouldn't judge you. ever. or threaten. EVER. that's the point of having a bff, right? chin up lovely girl, the sun will come out soon...xoxo
from sosuga :
Dude, why'd you say no to Mike???? You know you like him/miss him/talk about him/want to be around him, wheres the hang up?!
from ladiebug :
aw, that totally sucks... no one even reminded you on friday not to come in? :( i hope you feel better soon, chickie. xo, l.bug
from justvivo :
Good, yes. But even during the best of them, it's not always easy. Promise. xo
from limes-sugar :
Here, heree. "I want my next relationship to be easy and good." Yes ma'am. mee too.
from dieselengine :
I think you are right, she keeps pushing your "hurt" buttons. That ain't cool.
from thebeesknees :
It is the crappy golf windbreaker our firm gave to everyone. I am mean to my dog.
from limes-sugar :
also-hahahahahahah. i LOVE it that we are both dlanding and watching I love ny. LOVE it. I swear we are same peoples.
from limes-sugar :
jesus. i guess you are doing the right thing. With G. I still think she is kinda being a baby. Bottom line. It was twoooo days. And, btw, we all do this. It happens. Get ovah it, G. Anyway, hope y'all make up. And...lookie, you got a little thangy thang thang for M. There is a connection/attraction, whatev, that you likey. Did I just say thangy and likey? ew. Blame master cleanse. Dude, I just turned 32 years old. Like...what the fuck kinda age is that? I am so not sure what that age means..unless it's that I should go ahead and freeze some eggs if I want to have the babies. I hope the make up with you and G happens soon. I am sure it will. To me it's more annoying, like don't be passive aggressive, G. Say what is wrong if you are that mad and get over it! night.
from limes-sugar :
ahhh fuckitall. Right? ab the 19 year old- I mean, I get it, of course, considering last summer when I F-ed one. ha.ha.ha? Anyway, i remember seeing him out once with other 19 year old girls and i just felt soo...sooo. extremely. old. also though, at 19, i like did not feel cute at all. now 19 yr olds have mastered make up and the art of dressing trendy. I guess I did have the hip slung belts, and madonna tights...with the flashdance sweatshirts...OLD. Man,why exactly is G mad? Just because you had one weekend of bail out? I just don't understand how it'd get to this? But..can you just call her and say 'i don't want to fight, let's put this behind us?' (or is that hella gay?)
from lisasays :
you know what i keep thinking as i read your entries? this girl needs to move her ass to NYC! seriously, think about it. you've been considering a move for some time, everything's shitty in chicago, you have friends in new york...you don't have any real ties to chicago...it's the perfect time! do it! the move will take your mind off all this shit.
from polly-esther :
So many people asked for your password because you have your own little fan club on here. It's painful to read your entries at times, but you know we are all pulling for you. I only want the best for you, i want you to be happy and I wish you didn't have to struggle so much as you are right now. Just hang in there -- I know it sounds totally lame and not helpful. But things WILL get better.
from jumblygiant :
god I so relate to your recent entries. being a big sad dopey mess. flailing around my life like a lunatic. just take care of yourself the best you can. you deserve that. and everyone else can fuck off if they're not making you happy. xo.
from justvivo :
Sweet girl, none of this is supposed to be easy. You have conflicted feelings about different people, let along bringing your own ability/perceived lack of to give yourself to something. The K thing was sure to screw things up as it's never easy when feelings are involved still. And I tell you what, the G thing is just adding stress. Gfs are not supposed to be this stressful. That is part of the beauty of it. She continues to put way too much on you for her needs. Gah. Frustrating. xo
from thebeesknees :
I don't think he broke up with you or whatever. I think it seems like you were saying you didn't want a bf right now and the M stuff complicates things, and he was like "okay, I understand that but it bums me out." Maybe you should have S come out here, but plan to stay with G or another friend so that things are less pressure? Also, G is being f'ing ridiculous. You are not her puppet.
from limes-sugar :
G is seriously mad? Cause you bailed this weekend? Whatever. I don't think that's that big of a deal. It's one weekend, M was in town. Whatever (again.) So, how do you know M wants to F 19 yr olds?? What the F?
from justvivo :
Thanks for the comment... I had to laugh though, because I always think the entries read like me working out junk in my head and make no sense to anyone, including me at times. And I have to tell you, even though this probably isn't the popular opinion, for some reason I'm partial to M in your life. xo
from limes-sugar :
Hm. You met the new gf??? Um, I need that described to me in detail. What was her demeanor? What was yours? Ugh..the scarf comment made me barf.
from fridayfilms :
I love you, vla. Feel better please.
from raygirl999 :
I think you should tell this dude that he can't go crying to your mutual friend whenever he gets his feelings hurt. If he is an adult he needs to tell YOU how he feels to your face (or e-mail or whatever) not play a game of telephone that makes everyone feel bad.
from thebeesknees :
first, you don't owe anyone anything. second, this meddling by your girl is getting out of control, even if they are friends. third, if you want to resolve things with him in any way, just shoot him an email and ask him if he wants to talk/chat/whatever about anything. i could go on, but it would likely be more uselessness.
from limes-sugar :
PASSS. WORRRRD. WTF. :( THAT IS A BIG POUT.
from lisasays :
Remember that everything seems 100000 times shittier when you're sick. not that things aren't shitty. i know how you feel about worrying you'll never be open to falling in love. i guess we just have to hope that time will prepare us again? and also? no offing yourself! for reals.
from meltingblu :
not to be 'oh holier than thou' cuz you know ive had my share of ms and IM drama...but um, back away from the computer, leave the G out of it and call S....explain feelings, allow him to vent...technology is not intimate, not genuine, not real...and now that real feelings and real people are involved i think it's time to uh--ya know, act accordingly. i dont mean to have this sound bitchy, it's just, ive been there and it can get ugly...which i know you know. bottom line: i care. here's some xo's
from ladiebug :
did you change your password, by chance? hope you're okay... i read one last night that had me pretty worried... :/
from sosuga :
yeah for some reason I was all: 2007 will be better. But so far, with a rash, stomach ache (last night) and other nonsense, I'm not so sure anymore. Right along with ya, girl. I get the winter blues though, so I'm blaming it on that. And? You know you CAN be happy - you've been there before. It's just figuring out what has to happen to get there again. So far, on my level, I see no roads whatsoever. But in the meantime I'll just go with the flow. It has to end at some point right? The shittiness? At least, I want to think that...
from sosuga :
what browser do you use? I know it works in IE...
from limes-sugar :
i just got back in town. did you change your password? wtf. all i wanna do is read and catch up.
from meltingblu :
mi preciousa.....can you take a vacation? and i dont mean like a 'party with friends' vacation, i mean like a--'vla by herself, centering herself' vacation......like, a retreat or something? does that even appeal to you? i wish you clarity, and heart strength......a better foot and vag (ina) hehe.......xoxoxo
from dieselengine :
OK I will not tell you things will get better. But does it make you feel any better to know things won't get any worse?
from ladiebug :
sorry you're feeling so down about a lot of stuff (and sorry to hear about the womanstuff issues, too - it's such a terror). i think with the boys, you don't have to know right now, you know? like, you don't have to decide right now whether to fly to ny, or whether to end things with m. i think it'll sort out eventually, and in its own time. hope you feel better soon, chickie. :/ xo, l.bug
from ladiebug :
finally caught up on my dland reads... hope the meeting went well!!! and all that g drama worked out... and that you have a wonderful 2007. love you very much, l.bug
from raygirl999 :
Merry Christmas! I love that you update so often. It gives me something to do on my long boring days at work. I can't wait to hear how your NYE goes. Take Care!
from meltingblu :
i remember saying a while back im secretly rooting for sean...something in the way you write about him, it's dif than all the other dudes, dif in a really real, good way. and i dont think the rehab thing makes him bad news, i think it's almost good news. here's this man that recognized his flaws and problems, and addressed them. everyone has skeletons, at least he hauled his out of the closet and d-e-a-l-t..ya know? i dunno. my two cents. hope you have a lovely christmas sweet girl...(hughug)
from limes-sugar :
i want the belt you've been wearing...sounds awesome. want it want it.
from limes-sugar :
leos are always complicated. hm. tb is a leo too. god i miss you. sorry i haven't updated, too busy with work.
from thebeesknees :
dude, subt. totally sucks. i'd rather it go back to being a brothel, actually. there was some cute boy working coat check upstairs last time i was there, though.
from hungry-hippo :
ok baby. i am now caught the hell up with you. sorry i wasn't around to comment or anything for a while. you know how i disappear from dland reading and writing wise simultaneouosly. Anyway, work has shit on me. and now mike has too. bu tdo i care? noooo. b/c i am going on vaca tomorrow and having WAY more fun than he ever ever is. haahahahahah. teh one who leaves the country has the POWER. haha. call me before 4pm EST 12/22. I want to talk to you befoer I am internationalistic.
from privateinny :
Aaah my eyes r burning off my face. Send me the cd pls plsplsplsplspls?
from justvivo :
I dunno - I kind of like the M thing. I know it's sort of strange and undefined and... I can't put my finger on it.
from thebeesknees :
Dude, Maxine Brown is amazing. I actually saw her when I was living in London and she's still got it. She has this amazing song "Funny" that you should check out. I totally have multiple albums, and like an f'ing nerd would be happy to burn them for you.
from justvivo :
Hey, I updated! But meh - so few people read my stuff anymore... must have gotten boring! O well. I think the g stuff seems to have drama always, but I'm hoping that the S situ is different... (and your nye dress sounds awesome!) xo
from ladiebug :
i don't think sean is drama, but i think g is... but, ya know, it's cuz we can sniff our own and stuff...
from thebeesknees :
Skip Target and pick up your iTrip or whatever at MicroCenter across the street. That place is never empty. They're back in the Apple section of the store in the back corner. Also, that is kind of uncool for G to do that. I have a friend who does that same shit and it infuriates me. Blabbermouths.
from dieselengine :
The only thing better than a super hot dress is a very inexpensive super hot dress.
from lisasays :
thanks for all the kinda words lady...i really appreciate it. being away from nyc helps a lot. so your sean thing sounds super exciting...i'm sure you guys will have chemistry. the question is whether it'll be *sexual* chemistry, and you can only know when you see him. i'll be crossin my fingers for you! it sounds so thrilling!
from thebeesknees :
They have all those Minx earrings at Casa de Soul on Division, iffin you are interested for yourself or others.
from thebeesknees :
Just caught up with your entries after being away for the weekend. Sorry things are so crappy right now, and I hope this Sean thing goes super well because he seems to make you happy.
from dieselengine :
I am going to sound totally weird here but I can't believe it's only been a year. It seems like a million years since The Breakup because it seems like you've lived a million lives since then.
from meltingblu :
of course i will write!!! the internet may be one and only thing that will feel a little like home..and you KNOW ill have plenty to say haha..plus, there's no way i could deal without you ladies. for real. hehe
from ladiebug :
so i just dland stalked you and now i get an idea of how you "met" sean, but have you met in the flesh yet? me confused.... :*(
from meltingblu :
this entry sounds like you're rolling around in your feelings..really gettin in there. hell yea girl, hell yea!
from sosuga :
god, such a bonehead..I didnt even consider that mightve happened. Sorry girl :<
from meltingblu :
right there with ya. right. there. xo.
from thebeesknees :
ok dude is a little bit cuckoo. there is a fine line between displaying interest and being totally irritating. have you ever met this sean dude, or will ic be your first time?
from meltingblu :
thanks for the note girly...somehow itll be okay, right? i haven't written you in a while, but i wanted to say.....im secretly rooting for sean..hehe...and also hoping that you take your breathers in whatever form needed. xo.
from thebeesknees :
you should just tell bd that things are going to be hectic with the holidays, and that you maybe want to put off hanging out until after...that way you can hang back and see what happens with other boys, and it's a valid excuse. also, if you get bored and want to hang out, you can always email him and say you want a drink. sounds like the dude will be down with little notice.
from thebeesknees :
ugh, you need some downtime. then you can get to all the things you need to do. get some rest, lady.
from jumblygiant :
On your recent entry when you talked about getting sick from the Dad and then said something about making out with him a sentence later, I totally missed the word "the" in front of dad and thought you meant making out with your dad for a second and I was all "what did i miss???" ha. also: wish I could be there some night to party and see V in action with her boys. much love.
from hungry-hippo :
ha! your note was hi-larious! how can we get ny-caliber stuff in the chi when i am there in feb? brainstorm bitch, brainstorm!
from hungry-hippo :
OMG call me. I am clearly bright and chipper. Ha ha ha.
from hungry-hippo :
hope it went well with mike -- or will go well -- or whatever. i'm a little unclear on timing here. btw, where is BD's kid through all this 4am making out?
from fridayfilms :
I recently finished The Year of Magical Thinking. It's the only book I've managed to read cover-to-cover in over six months now. I take it as a good sign. That I'm able to finish something, I mean. It was sad to read, but it's a very honest book.
from limes-sugar :
so how long is M in LA? What is the whole deal with that? he is going back to NY isn't he?
from justvivo :
I think I like this guy too (for what it's worth - ha). And I know she is your BFF but WTF is up with G mad at you every other minute. Bees got it right ttl jealous. Gah. xo
from thebeesknees :
Aww, Simon's is totally my favorite. I think I will go there this weekend, for it is Glogg season! Glad you had fun. Maybe G is a bit jealous of you?
from sosuga :
AwwWWwWWWWW he sounds very cute! And sounds like he realllllly liked you and... gentlemanly. NICE!!! And, not full of himself/playerish <- I hate that word but whatev. I am sososo glad you had fun!!!!
from sosuga :
is it weird that I looked at the clock last night and thought, "wow its getting late, I wonder if she's having fun w/ her date tonight?" hmmmmm...
from ladiebug :
have fun on the date!! funny is always awesome :)
from thebeesknees :
The ice is mostly melted, and it should be warm enough today to do away with the rest. All of the sidewalks on main streets are clear anyway. Good luck.
from dieselengine :
Definitely the boots!
from lisasays :
I think there's something about the ed mindset that makes us more susceptible to fixating on boys. I think it's the compulsivity--someone enters our orbit and we can't help but get fixated and want more more more (of course until we get more more more then we want to get rid of it). Don't know if this makes any sense in your context, but I definitely find myself getting fixated on boys (i.e. israeli) who, logically, I KNOW aren't right for me, who I KNOW would just annoy me if I spent any more time with them. And yet the compulsion, the drive to get more, won't go away. For me, and probably for you, the most effective short-term solution is to have multiple boys so the fixation is spread thin. It's stupid, isn't it?
from thebeesknees :
dude, stop it. nobody is cuter than you!
from thebeesknees :
I meant to ask about it, and am glad to hear it went well. He's actually moving or just talking about it? My girl moved out there, and was back within several months, so maybe he'll do the same thing? How irritating.
from justvivo :
Dude - I don't know how you manage it, but you seriously do attract the dramarama around you. Man o man. You never know, FB could end up being your new bff... (HAHAHAH - kidding.) xo
from limes-sugar :
shit. I know what you mean sista. i am in the saaaame boat. Kinda. Come see me.
from limes-sugar :
HAPPY BDAY. I always miss people's bdays. love. So, at least you are dating. At least you are out there. And? I would TOTALLY want to show up to see the band....with Ke there. Look hot. Be like, dewai.
from ladiebug :
gah... happy belated birthday!!! and hope the new prospect works out. :)
from privateinny :
happy bday! i wish i could be there to celebrate with you. :*) be well. take care of you.
from polly-esther :
Happy birthday!!!!!!
from thebeesknees :
happy birthday. you make 30 look foxy. i have a 102 fever so i probably won't make it out for drinks, but thanks for the invite. note that i am somehow still at work, though.
from justvivo :
Happy Birthday, pretty girl! If it's any consolation, things became much clearer in my 30s than in my 20s. And hell, you'll still look like you are in your 20s for MANY many years. That's what matters, right? xoxox
from raygirl999 :
Happy birthday! I hope you have a blast.
from dieselengine :
Last day in your 20's...you are definitely celebrating accordingly. Happy Bday.
from meltingblu :
happy bday sweet girl, may this new decade be the best yet!!! xoxoxo
from hungry-hippo :
BTW, I miss you. I wish you lived here in NYC b-c god damn I miss you.
from hungry-hippo :
Hahahahahahahah! Misswingfat must be G.
from thebeesknees :
ooh, i hope it goes well or i will feel personally responsible for any lack of hot hair on your head. my ex is lame enough that he considered moving to new york to live with and be supported by that whore he fucked in my house, even though they're "not dating" and he refuses to call her his girlfriend. she's pretty lame for suggesting that scenario too, but that's a whole other story i guess.
from dieselengine :
It is kind of weird to be friends with a girl that your boyfriend cheated on you with, but if you think about it, it makes more sense than not. I mean, obviously there are traits in you that he liked...and she probably shared a lot of the same traits. And of course, we tend to be friends with people we have a lot in common with...so it is not at all unusual. I am kind of friendly with a girl that Andrew started dating like 2 days after we broke up. She is a really cool girl and I like her a lot and we have a lot in common!
from ladiebug :
ah, gotcha... erase last message then ;)
from ladiebug :
geez, girl, you can't even make up that sh!t... g really did that with k? how are you still friends with her, and a GOOD friend? you have way more strength than i could ever have... and, i'd give the match guy another shot. i have tons of friends that tried that, including my mom, and most ended great. just my two cents!
from thebeesknees :
I'm sure it's 200 years too late, but that's the correct salon. Also, K is moving in with this girl? Boys are so pathetic and needy sometimes.
from privateinny :
um. i need more. write. more. please? i'm a mess. i need respite. and i seek it in such select, few places.
from limes-sugar :
um, G is the one that K cheated on you with??? Why did I not know this? Um, how long have y'all been BFF? Doesn't it get on your nerves that she F'd him and gets gossip on him for you (ie, new gf moving in?). That would bug me. I actually had that same relationship with my arch nemesis TH.
from bettyford :
ok, so i'm reading this entry and never realized that giselle and kevin had hooked up??? was this the girl that you totally hated and avoided, like, 2 years ago? the girl that he had cheated on you with that first time you two broke up? you are way hotter than her, btw - based on ms pics. god, i love your life!
from thebeesknees :
She gives good long haircuts that are cool, based on the heads I've seen that she has cut. I haven't gone to her because I'm loyal (for better or worse) to my stylist, but I have sent a bunch of people there and they LOVE HER and go back time and again. That John guy gave me the best haircut I've ever had, but he is friends with my stylist (they used to work together and my girl moved away for like six months), so I would feel like an assface if I went to him.
from thebeesknees :
Never been to her, but have heard generally good things about everyone there. Not my girl, but two people I could recommend are Rachel at Prink and John at Aaron...if this Melanie broad does not work out. Happy Thanksgiving, yo.
from limes-sugar :
um. god i love you.
from meltingblu :
a bit of a challenge for you miss vla...what if mike wasn't leaving for a bit and he came over to your apt and said "im not fucking anyone else and i dont want to and i want it to be just me and you"...what would you or how would you feel then? it's just so hard to do the casual thing..i know..it's so hard to have it be fun and juicey and good, but light and aloof and de-tached. nearly impossible. i know he's leaving and probably moving and that's why yer so hesitant..but i think there's so much to be said for living in.the.now...like right here, right this moment...not *when he leaves or doesnt come back* or *who he may be fucking in the future*...ya never know. that stuff, ya just cant predict. you like him right? you trust him enough to hang, cuddle, sex? maybe that's just right for right. now. ....thinkin of you xo
from smallhanded :
not true. okay, maybe true that it will never be simple but it never simple. You are idealizing what you had in the past because that was some complicated shit. All the simple people are NOT married already and you are going to find someone amazing and soon. Maybe a younger guy? Take care and don't lose heart.
from sosuga :
I dunno...maybe not so much putting up walls but more like, taking safety measures before the expected departure? I do that (think of all the annoying qualities in someone) when I am trying to force them OUT of my mind. Really its just a matter of being distracted long enough to not give a shit about the original problem (the guy in question: mike) so here's to you finding a new distraction OR things working out in some way that you least expect but makes you a happy girl. What? Weird things happen just as much as the bad shit does...its worth considering...
from meltingblu :
love love love...and no threat. and hugs and kisses...and safe girly stuff xoxo
from limes-sugar :
Shit. OOps. I can't believe I left that looong hip/vla message. pretty funny though. Sorry guys! Delete if you need to. Um. SHit. Mike. I mean. Fuck. I can literally see you trying to hard to hold on to your heart. What can you do? I think the important thing to remember is that WHATEVER happens...you. will. be. fine. You will totally be fine. Because you have no choice but to work it out. Now. I mean....why do you think he may still be seeing others? Havve you guys had any sort of talk about NOT seeing other people?
from hungry-hippo :
You know what it sounds like is going on... yeah, you know.
from limes-sugar :
nope. I'm pretty sure I'm fat. but...fuck it. And moody. God come hang out in LA. Move to LA? Please?
from polly-esther :
Loser! How well do you know him? He could be a recovering alcholic and that's why he's changing plans and suggesting lunch rather than getting drinks. In which case, you probably want to run as fast as you can!
from hungry-hippo :
Ummm... yeah. Ok, first, NO LUNCH. It is like the awkwardest date around (I know b/c as you know I had lunch w/ Mike today an it was AW-KWARD-ISSIMO). So your email was good. I think it is fine. Ball is back in his court. Now you can wait and see what his reaction is. It was totally TMI about the dentist but maybe he said that b/c he didn't want you to think he was just blowing you off with no reason? He could also have called his dentist and asked what the crown procedure was before cancelling. Wait, he is 41. ??!?!?! Sorry. I am just not into older men so I shudder at the thought of 41.
from thebeesknees :
I might be a bitch, but I don't work at a sex shop! *rimshot* Good luck on your date. Older guys can be either intriguing or confounding. I hope yours is the former.
from dieselengine :
Good luck with the mini-date...I suggest wearing your hot ass Miss Sixty boots. I tried them on and honestly, they were too hot for me. Seriously. I didn't want to risk getting sexually harassed again. WOOT!
from hungry-hippo :
yes, parallel. Infecting boys. :)
from privateinny :
yeah. not so thrilled about this gissabell cat. next time she`ll hv to get thro me first. but hv I had a friend like that? y and u`ve all seen it unfold here before ur eyes. now I'm doing things quite diff in friendships tho. trying anyway. :)
from smallhanded :
Thanks so much for both your notes. I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate it. Hope you are doing well. xoxo
from meltingblu :
hi. i found myself nodding my head up and down with your mike entry. just about that 'getting messy' with life thang..also, i loved prime..how HOT was that dudes body in that movie..YOWZA...anyways, a quick observation of this giselle girl..since when are bff's judgey? i mean i know honesty is one thing, but to be so judgmental and superficially judgemental at that is just ridiculous. what are you, 14? "no vla, you cant date him, cuz he has like--not cute hair" okay..mean girl. sorry, i dont know where i was going with that little inferred dialogue..im just sayin, it seems as tho she's threatened or possibly jealous or maybe just feels bad and wants you to feel bad too. ICK. friends sometimes fight yes, but it seems like she was purposefully trying to hurt you not even really argue a point of contention..no worries vla, i got yer back! hehe xo
from thebeesknees :
She's just jealous because you're free to do what you want, and she is "stuck" for the moment with her soon to be ex. She's bitter, and depressed, and she is lashing out, and that sucks. Toxic friends, no thanks.
from sosuga :
wow: this giselle broad is one hell of a fighter. no, j/k but I cant believe she said that about the short/bad hair thing. um, grow up? just...wow.
from fridayfilms :
I was sort of surprised by how much I liked Prime. It had more heart than most Hollywood romantic comedies. Better writing also.
from sosuga :
My first instinct while reading your latest entry was: we attract the people we are ready for. the type of interactions we can handle, and moreso is we are treated the way we allow others to treat us. At some point we all have to take responsibility for doing dumb shit and realizing that it takes making mistakes to correct your aim in the next shoot-out. if you know what I mean. So. With that said - I think you have the right mentality to recognize that you are having fun with Mike and it is what it is. You know the kind of guy he is and to think he will change is out of your control. I Think your best remedy right now is to find someone else on the side to entertain your thoughts - because channeling all of them into him is causing you a lot of anguish and confusion and honestly I dont think he necessarily deserves all that consideration. I'm sure hes a good guy but I just mean, he's not good ENOUGH. If that makes sense. xoxo
from jumblygiant :
since i'm evil, i think the next time it takes him forever to text you back, you reply by saying "sorry, didn't hear from you. made other plans. jerk." maybe leave the jerk part off though. or just "accidentally" punch him in the face when you see him. and now that i've thought of it, i'm going to employ it (the texting business I mean) myself with my boy who i let toy with me.
from polly-esther :
Fuck him, he's turning out to be so lame. Maybe you should just be the one to drop out of his life and not text or call anymore. At least it will give you some measure of control in the situation.
from jumblygiant :
v, I've been thinking about you tonight (um, not in a creepy way, I swear). hoping that the cloud eases a little for you. I'm beating my head against the same thing lately. repeatedly. and then wondering why I don't stop. ugh. sick of it too. hang in there. love ya.
from limes-sugar :
hahahahhaahah. shit. You made fun the exact same way i did. God that last pic is good.
from sosuga :
ah dont be sorry at all, its over and done with and I survived, thats the hardest part ;) I know the pain you are feeling too and I wish I could reach out and fuck up anyone who hurts my friends. The best thing to do is be good to yourself, be selfish if necessary, and build yourself back up. I dont know what will happen with M but it sounds to me like he has no idea the effect he is having on you, which sadly is usually the case because a lot of men are clueless about what we think/feel. It does get better though I promise, just take it one day at a time and DONT beat yourself up for anything youve done or didnt do because theres no sense in worrying over something thats in the past. Just do things for you, the most important one, and you will start feeling better in no time. you are in my thoughts dollface!!!
from meltingblu :
im sorry you're feeling so low. that's all really, just im sorry. that feeling is so icky and i so know it--that hurt, that rejections, that why? why do i even care, but it hurts? it will take care of itself. it will..and in the meantime, you take care of yourself. soup, and blankets and movies..and good friends and journaling...feelings aren't facts, but there is a reason for every single one (sorry if that's annoying, just thought i'd throw it out there) *hugggg*
from limes-sugar :
omyV, myV. What the fuck happened on Halloween? And...I hate text. Text messaging is the demise to real relationships...I hate the text, wtg for a response.....no text....god I hate text. I mean, if it's right or not..it still hurts. I am sorry you are feeling like shit, I feel like you need to get outta town. I wish I could meet you and Hip in NY. I am looking into seeing if I can afford, but not sure. Regardless, I hate you being in that place. You feel better, I know you will, but I still hate for you to be there. Maybe get rid of Mike, regardless? Don't text, take some upper hand? Easier said that done, I know. I am thinking rightnow about doing the same thing to TB......xo
from fridayfilms :
Take care of yourself, vla. I mean that in the most practical sense. Make yourself tea, get into bed and read a good book. It sounds cliched, but during my worst times, doing these types of things really helped center me when I needed that most, and feeling good in the short term periodically can sometimes go a long way to feeling better overall.
from thebeesknees :
ugh, v, that sucks. hope you feel better, bot physically and otherwise. xo.
from dieselengine :
I'm sorry you are having such a shitty time right now.
from ladiebug :
sorry to hear you're frustrated, val, especially over m. i just don't think guys realize the kind of effect it has on chicks when they don't text/call back? i don't know, i'm like that, too - get depressed when they don't and then frustrated/upset when they do because by then it's too little, too late. sorry to hear you had a rough weekend. :/
from limes-sugar :
Me hungover too. Hm. Yeah, I could NOT do a 3some, I'd get soooo jealous. LIke, beyotch, quit looking at Tom or I'll cut you. Not that he doesn't always bring them up. Do you kiss girls for real? (no, I am not judging bitch.) That is interesting that I did not know that?
from limes-sugar :
The worst part is: i so knew what BIUTF meant, that as I read your note...I just casually was like ...boys i used to fuck..yes...and kept going. How slutty am i to find that phrase totally normal? (and hilarious!!)
from limes-sugar :
Max has a rubber chicken leg. It's a little....chewed...but shall I have him loan it to you? You'd have to send it back immediately, it is his favorite. Shit, he may not even be willing to let you borrow it. We got it for $1 at rite aid...so..check there?
from thebeesknees :
Things are okay now, actually. I think I'm just losing my mind a bit, and he's gone a bit off his rocker as a result. We basically made up last night, though, so it's water under the bridge. For now. I hope I will get to see pics of your Hooters girl outfit. Not sure I'm up for dressing up for a party, otherwise I'd check it out in person!
from hungry-hippo :
I kind of wonder that too sometimes...like should I be "working towards" marriage? but right now, given where i am, i am just NOT ready for that project yet. but you, 10 mos out of a 5 yr... is that the same as 1 mo out of a 3 year? i mean, i don't know how to compare... and then we are differnt peopel. but. i feel the same as you sometimes. like, oy... am i missing the point of hte exercise here...and wasting my tmie and wrinkle-free beauty.? are you?
from alicefalls :
I was basically just going to say what theBeesknees said, so I won't repeat that! BTW have you heard the song by the Zutons called Valerie? It's pretty good.
from thebeesknees :
There's nothing wrong with dating someone you're not going to marry, no matter what age you are. As long as you're open to other dudes who might spring up who you might actually want to marry, and he doesn't get weird about you wanting to go on dates with other guys to give them a shot, then whatever. There's nothing wrong with having fun, and having fun with someone who is nice to you and fun and hot is even better.
from dieselengine :
love the boots!
from sosuga :
I love limes' message below about being a stud, awesome! and, the boots sound frickin cute as hell, I agree you should show us! heh. And? There is something called seasonal depression, I have it so I feel ya sister. I drag in the fall and winter..gain weight, the whole nine. it sucks. I need to move to Texas where its warm and lotsa cowboys! ha!
from dieselengine :
just the other day I was telling somebody how hard it is to find slate grey boots and I've been looking on the internet and everywhere...where did you find your boots? I MUST SEE THEM!!!
from polly-esther :
Three days with no updates?! This is very unlike you, vla.
from limes-sugar :
whatever. I'm not a slut. I am a stud.
from limes-sugar :
I know, I know. Here is what makes me uncomfortable--- him with other girls. And the rumors or gossip that he is a playa. Did I miss and entry?? How did he even end up w/ another girl this week?
from sosuga :
aww, its just a rollercoaster girl..all of it. fucking jerry, and what the fuck? mike. I mean, I dont blame you for ducking out on the train, jesus. And joel well, the "threes a charm" hasnt really taken with him, huh? Dont beat yourself up either, we all have our vices you know.
from limes-sugar :
Please. you are not terrible. Stop it. And..ok, I am speaking from my own little demons...but I don't like Mike. I think. You are reminding me of how I felt with Drew K. And it's because he was no good for me. Ya know?
from hungry-hippo :
Hahha! I am sorry to laugh but our two diaries right now are like the chronicles of substance abuse and sluttiness. That said, I think your sister is right. I vote Mike. Plus, you really should not give a rats ass about Joel because he had THREE chances to be even halfway decent in bed and he was not. OK, I am not in your life and I don't know how your circles work, but I think in your head you should not feel down about Joel. And I like that you like Mike and he likes you. It is just so cute every time I read. :)
from limes-sugar :
Um... didn't you get 'staffed' a couple of nights ago? (hahaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhhahahahhaaaaahhahah. ha. hahah?)
from meltingblu :
first. there are no judgies here. i will never judge you e-v-e-r. second. why not care about him? maybe dip yer toe into some trust, see how it feels? i know yer hesitant because he's told you all this stuff about him, but thus far he seems so god damn honest, and only with good intentions toward you..maybe even, to a fault. no swan dive, but possibly--a temperature check? xo
from ladiebug :
i definitely do NOT think you're terrible... i just worry sometimes. but with mike, i don't know, him telling you when he didn't really have to... that was pretty cool. and if not him, i don't know... eh... maybe broaden the social circle? at least when it comes to the dating realm? just so those awkward moments when you run into them, or they're dating someone you know, or something, can be avoided? take care, sweetie. much love, l.bug
from limes-sugar :
EEP! uh oh. Eep! Oops!
from fridayfilms :
Ha, your cat seems more in touch with your feelings for this boy than you are! ;) Anyway, my two cents: it sounds to me, whether you like it or not, as though he was trying to tell you that he wants to be serious about you and that nothing is going to happen with this other girl because the plans were made BVE (before Val era). I have a gut feeling about these things, though obv I don't know him. (or you! aw, though I feel like I do!)
from limes-sugar :
OMGOMGOMG. Loved that long note. Dude. FJ...I mean...sometimes guys are just bad guys..no matter the age. he sounds like one of them. you need to date outside of your friendship circle, that is FO SHO. What all has been up...you last update was awesome. I have been stupid work busy but will update asap. maybe tomorrow? i have still been finding the time to myspace like a motherfucker. ha.
from jumblygiant :
maybe the filming chicks and posting it online is what this Melissa girl meant by "not discreet." my only guess. also, crazy! Lizzie is right, get the dirt - directly from him the next time you see him. I'm so glad you found someone to let loose with. And a day in bed with sex and talking and whatthehell ever, are the best. fo serious. love ya.
from thebeesknees :
mos def on the drinks front. and a big exhale on the location of the smutty action, although based on what you'd written, i had gathered that to be true.
from meltingblu :
i don't get why this melissa girl cares so much about what you do with mike...it's not as if she's yer good friend right? I mean I understand the whole 'get yer girls back' thing...but why does she continue to tell these horrific tales about this boy? do they have a history? melissa and mike? it just seeems fishy. as far as the rumors go, it seems like you and mike are buddy buddy enough to be able to bring it all up? just be like *laugh laugh* so i heard some more fucked up shit...at this point, i don't think there's any reason for him to lie to you, unless it's all true and he filmed you (which omg, lets hope is the furthest from the truth). it's just scary because it's beyond a trust thing, or a screw around thing, these rumors (stds, filming w/out knowledge) are like SERIOUS shit,....and if there's at all any truth, you need to a) know immediatly and b) RUN. ya know? go digging. but go directly to him. that's my advice. oh and tell melissa to shut it. haha. xo
from thebeesknees :
okay this melissa girl is a total troublemaker (and a totally shitty mom, though that's neither here nor there) and sounds like the type to spread lots of stories to feel "important" and "useful" to the social circle. i'd trust your gut. maybe this dude did film people in the past, but it seems like stuff between you is open enough it would come up, or maybe it's something he did like 10 years ago that sucked but now he's grown up. i don't know. maybe you should talk to him about it, but also tell that girl to mind her own fucking business, yo.
from sosuga :
himbo? lol my sister said "shman" (she-man) the other day and I was like, what? manorexia? these terms kill me.
from meltingblu :
rock on with yer bad yerself! seriously, fuck yea girly
from thebeesknees :
ugh, that's always a rough moment. even if you have no interest in being in a relationship, it's like...vetting this girl and trying to figure out what it is that is so appealing (not in a bitchy way, just wondering, you know?). who knows, though. if he's such a serial monogamist, it may just be a fleeting security blanket of a relationship. particularly if she's living a couple of hours away. in the alternative, maybe he'll fuck off to bloomington every weekend from here on out and you won't have to worry about running into him. look at me, finding silver linings. anyway, sorry you had such a crap night out, but good for you for staying strong. i love buying art too, but am way too fucking poor to justify it.
from dieselengine :
red nails? flask in purse? I think it is going to be an interesting night....
from limes-sugar :
why'd FJ do the headducking thing? Like..as in, did he see you and know that you saw him..as a joke? I need this info to decide how hard i want to go off on him. ha. also..hm. About B...how old is she? That is very interesting. But 1, since her friends starting quizzing you..I assume B didn't think she was telling her anyting top secret...so maybe just filling her in?? 2, did B say anything about telling her? 3, you could say to b 'um, surely you did not saying anything about the ***, right? I knew you wouldn't but got paranoid when 'your friend' started asking me about mike..."
from thebeesknees :
boys who suck don't call you back, but boys who are great do. particularly when you are lovely and smart and charming and amazing, which you are. i know it's easy for me to say, because i'm removed from it, but you need to let these lame boys hit the road because they're messing with your head and sense of self worth, which is lame-o.
from privateinny :
dood. now u know i care. tried three times on the bbook signed off then remembered you said to do note.s so then. i was saying. nnnoo way. i have totally and completely felt the exact same thing. then i got obsessed with life. lost. not jsut work, but stuff stuff non related. god i was so much better on round one...anyway. don't place ur value on a call back. you knoow uve been in the place where you like a guy but u know he likes you and plans are just suggestions unless you really motivate...and what an ass. but god i remember that empty feeling. that expectation and then the pit. man. the way i've assuaged it is business with life and other obsessions. don't feed the bad seed, water the good. now that sounds retarded, but you get what i'm spoonin' right? :*)
from meltingblu :
bah! that's crazy talk girly, seriously, you will, you will...but all in good time, really think about if you had "it all" right now...you'd be doing the same thing, questioning, worrying....you deserve the greatest of greats...a boy that doesn't make you make emergency appts to PP..he should begggging for your time...F that noise...all in good time *lightnlove*
from ladiebug :
i've been wanting to reach out lately, but was never quite sure what to say. you just seem so down, and since i've kinda been feeling like i'm the same boat, i didn't have anything comforting to say. but... that last paragraph... exactly how i feel. sorry that you're feeling that way, too. :/
from limes-sugar :
broken condoms....sweeeeeeeet. O! Did you take a pic of this cute outfit? I wanna seeeee
from meltingblu :
it sucks, i don't think ppl think through their comments, well particular ones anyways...know what i think is amazing about you tho? you are taking an active role in your life. you are doing things, taking risks (good or bad)...mentally, emotionally mooving on and getting over...i think that's so healthy. so mature. and also, you know what they say, the best revenge is looking good* :)
from limes-sugar :
o. yeah, i am watching the same shit on Mtv. those shows are just bad. and god knows i love bad reality. but this shit it not bad-good, it's bad-bad. Also...be strong kid. Sounds like you are just cycling thru the ups and downs of it all. Lord, how many times I've said the same, felt the same. You'll be fine. THings may be changing..and change is ultimately always good. needed. ugh. i'm going to shower.
from thebeesknees :
er, DISTRACTED.
from thebeesknees :
I worked through (districted myself from)my mom being sick the first time by going out and sleeping with random dudes, and the minute one of them was like "let's just cuddle," I angrily told him I knew what it must be like to date a virgin, got huffy, and went and slept on the couch in my own place and fumed while he slept in my bed. This dude is totally a good friend of mine, had been for YEARS at that point, thankfully still is now, but I got triple amazing asshole points for that one.
from limes-sugar :
WHOAH kid. Settle down. This is just one of those lulls you go through as a single girl. I had these exact moments...you are hanging out with all sorts of people, kissing on tons of boys, high school crushes...then, as most will, some of your single friends couple up...lots of the boys fade away..and you are looking desperately for SOMEONE to give you back that fun-i-dont-give-a-shit-i-am-having-sooooo-much-fun-being-single HIGH. NOW. This is actually an AWESOME TIME FOR YOU. It is the time where you can stop submerging yourself in the superficial...and take some time to FOCUS ON YOU. (gay, but sorry---> ) The QUIETNESS to reflect and just be by yourself a bit more. This is all good. I hope I am not coming across wrong. Only..I went through this SAME fucking thing. And...it's good. You need some YOU time. Fuck these boys. ALSO, re: PP. you should actually wait ab a week or two after sx to get tested. FYI. :)
from thebeesknees :
i think what has happened is that you've gotten over the sort of codependent single hump and realized that you need to be happy, and that these boys are not making you happy, but are just space fillers. i might be projecting, though, as i went through something similar after doing the dating lots of random dudes thing after i dumped the ex. had this revelatory moment where it was like "oh, wait, i'm still not happy. they just occupy time and space." then again, what do i know?
from dieselengine :
*hug* it is going to be OK
from thebeesknees :
oh, man, i hate that single too despite listening to the top 40 radio stations. even more than other songs, as it gets stuck in my head. how was camping?
from limes-sugar :
yes !!!!!! no boy drama. just what you need. just what you need.
from thebeesknees :
ugh! how scary. i've been there (well, not precisely, but freaking about the possibility) and nearly dropped an organ. sounds like you made a nice recovery, though.
from hungry-hippo :
thanks. I am nervous, though. T minus half an hour before I go home and drop the bomb. Kind of F R E A K I N G.
from thebeesknees :
of course you're in love. he's bringing sexy back.
from hungry-hippo :
Well, you did complaint that I wasn't updating enough so that is why you are being inundated now! :)
from thebeesknees :
maybe you should just tell him that you like him and would be interested in dating him, but have concerns about the whole player side of him, and be clear that you're not interested in just hooking up. i think he wants more too, and that he means that if he sleeps with you, he wants it to be in a circumstance where you're not all "let's just be friends" and are instead interested in something more? i don't think what he said was a bad thing at all. i guess you just need to figure out what you want. as i am currently dating someone i was friends with for 4 years, i will say that dating someone you are good friends with and know is pretty great.
from meltingblu :
chin up sweet girl.. you are lovely. and loved. you are brave. you are beautiful, brilliant, talented and aware. you are living in and with the moments. AND...im pretty sure you're way too good for all those scoundrely boys anyways...fo' real :) xo
from lisasays :
parallel lives, i tell you...i did a stupid no condom thing recently too. i've chosen not to worry about it until my next gyn appt, and in the meantime i'm going to be more careful. there's not much you can do...i'm sure it's going to be fine. chin up! xoxo
from thebeesknees :
maybe i'll stop by big horse, although the ex is showing at around the coyote all weekend, so i will probably try to avoid that general area when he might be out and about (and i think some girl he knows bartends there) because bb is here. but, yes, maybe i will stop by. good luck with your saucy ms boy!
from justvivo :
Ok, maybe I need to pull my head out of my ass, but I remember you talking about the chick that Kevin screwed around with that time, and how she was sort of in the periphery of your circle, but until this entry, I had NO CLUE that it was G. OMFG. And another thing I've noticed as of late is that you are in such a much healthier place with regards to the K breakup. I love reading your entries!
from thebeesknees :
ugh, didn't see the darkroom info until this morning. and i could have definitely used a drink last night. hope you went and had fun! xo.
from jumblygiant :
your gb is fucked. i keep leaving messages and then it eats them and then i'm too lazy to write it out all over again. anyhow. hi. i love you. you AND your dirty alley. always.
from sosuga :
Oh my. Seriously girl, when someone is more trouble than they are fun, its time to ditch em. This G chick sounds like a fucking nightmare. And also - god you crack me up sometimes, cockblockula is classic :)
from limes-sugar :
Sweet god. I mean, A. you are allll too old for this drama. you know this. B. why is G always superhighschool fighting with people. C. i hate that it's being turned into kinda your fault but not really, just because of the kevin connection. I've been in that place before, you feel dumb even though it's out of your hands and..what can you do? Fuck. Haters haters. Maybe you've been pissing where you lay, or drinking from you toilet, or whatever the saying is. Branch out to dudes outside of your immediate pals (ie, ahem, mike). AND, AND, I think you should go out with G on Saturday and just TOTALLY not care about the Joel situation. if you can. Ugh. And Fing Beth and Fing Jerry. Hate em. Please describe FB to me in great detail. I need it.
from justvivo :
OMG, I <3 you and hate that you are feeling this way, but I nearly spewed water all over my monitor when I read "cockblockula". I know I'm such a geek, but I can't stop laughing! (and screw G's current drama - I know you <3 her, but meh. too high maintenance right now. Wait until it passes.)
from limes-sugar :
Hm. Sometimes great sx will do that to ya. I hate to admit I kinda want real real details of it. I'm gross, what can I say? DUDE! No MS pic??? I made one special for you....it's a Valabama pic? Let me try to repost.
from thebeesknees :
You're the mackinest girl I know. I haven't been to CL yet, though I am apparently one of the last people on earth never to have been there. I'll have to check it out soon and report back.
from limes-sugar :
HAHAAHAHAH. Sex. Whee. Sexsex. Whee Whee! HAHAHHAHAH. God, I totally am on your same page. Slut. xo.
from dieselengine :
I love how you told him you weren't going to call him. I swear, you should check to see if you have balls because that was such a dude move...but such an AWESOME DUDE MOVE!!! I LOVE IT!
from fridayfilms :
I think Joel is your Myek. And believe me when I say that players never EVER change their tune, for anyone. You can pursue this and get incredibly hurt or you can walk away from it now, pride intact. It's the advice I wish I'd followed. Still, a girl's heart is not directed by common sense, is it? No, it's why we stumble into the same bullshit, every time. I hope things work out for you, on the boy front. I hope they work out for all of us.
from thebeesknees :
I don't hate him or anything. His whole thing just doesn't click for me. And thank god, I'd hate to have to thumb wrestle you for him.
from ecstasia :
OK, just read. You are the Dirty Alley Queen. I screwed a friend once, I knew him for years and he always wanted me. Aside from one double date in '01 in which nothing happened we were totally platonic. Then after a fifties themed summer roof party at my friends house in Brooklyn I took my greaser home. But I did for different reasons than you're wanting J. I was with PB at the time and he didn't want to go to the part with me so I was feeling dejected and brought him home. Hmm, that dejected and non-special feeling seems to be a theme in the relationship. ...
from ecstasia :
Now now something completely different! You rave about Project Runway, my boss raves about Project Runway and now I am hooked! That reversible shirt dress that Michael made last week? Love it, so far my favorites are Michael, Uli, Lara, and Audrey. OK, off to read your newest words. Loves
from justvivo :
Um, yes. MORE DETAILS, PLEASE!
from thebeesknees :
Oh, REALLY. Dirty girl! (Love it.)
from ecstasia :
You know Ambin makes people eat. Lots of users would sleep walk and eat the entire contents of their fridge and cupboard whilst sleeping and wake up not even knowing it.
from sosuga :
Lil miss sunshine is HI.LAR.I.OUS. Love it! Grr.... glad youre dating a nice fella, too!
from thebeesknees :
I totally had to order the shoes from your employer's catalog, as they were sold out everywhere else...so, you know, you could totally get a discount.
from thebeesknees :
I would prefer if you stood in the dress in the manner that the model is standing in while wearing the saddle color dress. Not at all douche-y.
from smallhanded :
Yay! I am so happy right now, so happy for you. xoxo
from thebeesknees :
I know, right? You should totally do it and let me know what ridiculous results you get.
from thebeesknees :
Maybe if you put a tough dog collar on Lucy she'll blend in, and then you can chat up the boys. I'll attempt to sort out the girl situation for these boys, and if any of them seem decent, I will befriend them and pass them along to you
from thebeesknees :
I have a G-comparable gal in my life who is so much work it's kind of shocking that we're still friends when the drama rolls out. Hang in there, and I wish we'd seen you at the Foot!
from limes-sugar :
Get it. But will you still call her Fucking Beth because that is so so so hilarious. I am not looking for someone to continually preface as "Fucking" so and so (it won't be hard.)
from clarity25 :
I know what you mean. There is a lot of competition between women, especially when you're both cute and single. It happens even when you don't want it to and it's hard to overcome. We should be more of an ally with eachother and treat eachother better in general. I had similar problems with some of my girlfriends in College and it was difficult when we went out. (especially if we both liked the same guy and it was free game... it could get bad. I always ended up pushing myself in the corner and letting my friend do her thing, while feeling a little resentful inside). I hope everything gets worked out.
from ecstasia :
I have aol chat. what is your email? I emailed you the other day and I don't think I have a response, send me an email: friendthegirl@mac.com
from ecstasia :
if you're on chat, well we could chat now and I can fill you in because I really don't feel like updating right now.
from ladiebug :
what a whore (initial reaction)... but, good riddance! and yay for the 7.6 miles!!
from limes-sugar :
hahahahahaha. Again, ahahhahahah. Oh god, this entry had me laughing out loud. I know. Filterless Valabama SLUTTTTTT. Um, what's the dram. w/ P.? I need to know. Do i need to have him killed? xo
from thebeesknees :
Or maybe it just means at risk of knowing how to party. Woo.
from thebeesknees :
Oh, just got your note. I believe it means at risk of developing a drinking problem.
from thebeesknees :
Ooh, excellent! I figured this was brewing, but you'd mentioned thinking nothing was going on a few entries ago if I am not mistaken, so I was just wondering. Gotta love the photobooth makeout. I think I've only made out in the Empty Bottle one and Schuba's ones. Good for you, lady.
from justvivo :
MORE.DETAILS.NOW. PLEASE. :)
from thebeesknees :
Not to come off like some pushy queen or something, but DETAILS.
from thebeesknees :
I saw some guy wearing white jeans and a vintage 70s Chicago t shirt and horrific white basketball shoes from the 80s and thought it was him, but it was just another youngster with questionable taste. Oh, they're EVERYWHERE.
from sosuga :
loved this entry. loved it. good for you girl, for being so happy and willing to take things as they come. it requires a lot of strength to get that far <3 also: have I already asked you this? but...whats your myspace id? send me the link beotch! jmariewand at gmail d0t com!
from clarity25 :
I loved this entry. It reads like your chatting casually over a cup of coffee and I left the entry feeling like I just hung out with a good friend. Your writing really flows. I know what you mean about having a good girlfriend and just saying everything to eachother. I just re-connected with an old friend from highschool. We're starting to spend a lot of time with eachother again. It's just fun to feel open with another girl and feel like you can just be your truest self. It's different from what I have with Eric or what you can have with a guy. It's nice:).
from thebeesknees :
I was previously a Girls Gone Wild girl for Halloween, and applaud your Hooters plans. So glad that Michael Kors is back on PR. Vera Wang may make some pretty dresses, but she does not make for good tv.
from sosuga :
omg! I am gonna be a hooters girl too!! I decided so much last year on halloween when I wanted to look cute but...not like a damn nurse or something so, hooters girl whats up!!
from smallhanded :
Yes! It is THE only show I watch religiously. I'm in LA so sitting in my little apt. here watching it all alone. So amazing.
from ladiebug :
yikes... i just left a message on your g.book but i don't think it went through. :( but i essentially stated kevin's such a drama ball and i hope today was a better day for you. take care, beautiful.
from bettyford :
i've been reading all your archives to fill my work days this week. i just want you to know how fucking far you've come.
from sosuga :
Hey sugarpop, I just wanted to say: I love how you always say "fucking Jerry" because it is *so* appropriate. Really. And, to find a man who is tall, cute, has a job & a car, a dog and no crazy ex's is...well...practically impossible. At least as far as I've seen. Eliminate any of the above though, and its a better shot! You like the tall ones too, eh? Are you tall yourself? I'm 5'9" BEFORE my 3 or 4" heels. Ugh.
from dieselengine :
First of all, your friends sound pretty awesome. You are one lucky girl to have so many of them living close by and they are super supportive. Secondly, what didn't happen with Joel is probably a good thing. And keep your head up, love will find a way.
from alicefalls :
Finally free! Congrats on breaking up with him! Enjoy the free wheeling single life until you find someone perfect for you and then who knows!
from thebeesknees :
i just applaud you for sending him an email that's like "just so you know, i know you are blowing me off and i am acknowledging it so you can't just be sheepish and pretend nothing happened next time i see you." good for you.
from thebeesknees :
you're hardcore.
from sosuga :
I second bees idea...the peehole isnt something that they enjoy being messed with ;) Sorry to hear the mens are being idiots, must be something in the water cuz I'm experiencing it too.
from thebeesknees :
In light of the breakage, you should tell him you found out you were exposed to some std so that he has to go get a stick shoved up his peehole, which is apparently horribly uncomfortable. Just tell your gal pals you did it so that everyone in town doesn't think you have the cooties. I am mean, but he is the top seller at the jerk store.
from sosuga :
I heard somewhere back in the day (and it stuck with me since) that when a guy is semi-heartbroken and tries to sweep it under a rug by getting over her and sleeping with another chick, that it actually makes those feelings for the ex re-emerge in full force. That, something like: Men sleep around to get over a woman and women often sleep around because she IS ALREADY over a man. I think is how it goes. So yeah, this Jerry dude is a fucking retard and its better you know now that hes not over his past instead of 3 mos into it and you've wasted all this time with him, you know? NEXT!!
from sosuga :
Sounds like youve got a whole bunch of stuff on your plate right now: K pining after you, Steve missing you, this new JA fella....good girl :) Also? Thanks for the note! xo
from clarity25 :
I love reading your diary entries. I always pour a cup of coffee, sit down outside on the deck chairs with my laptop and get lost in them. Your life is so much more exciting then mine and I love the way you describe your experiences. I'm just dropping in on your notepage to say "hi" and wish you a happy weekend.
from sosuga :
I am sending telepathetic messages to stupid fuck J to man-up already and just fucking call. That shit pisses me off like - a lot. I have been there girl, many many times. I didnt mean to say that I think you made a mistake in my last post by allowing yourself to enjoy his company physically, I hope you didnt take it like that. I just meant that I have to seriously exersize the self control because unfortunately, I have been the victim of at LEAST a few wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am peace-out-motherfucker's and I refuse to do it anymore. Although, I said that and then still did it again after that so, goes to show how well I follow my own rules. But really, if its going to happen, it'll happen - he'll run off whether it was 2 hours or 2 months you waited to hit the sheets with him. Simply sharing some physical intimacy should NOT have any effect on his feelings towards you and if they do? It's probably better you know now. Also, I saw Tony last night too. So I am kinda in your boat sister....cant wait to hear what happened with Kev.
from geek-betty :
I downloaded updates for my computer and it didn't save all of my passwords :(. may I please?!
from thebeesknees :
Oh, Pitchfork! I had tickets for both days, but my friend is getting married on Saturday so I have to go to that, but I'm totally going on Sunday. I got rid of one of my Saturday tickets, but still have one left, so if you or anyone you know wants a Saturday ticket, let me know...
from thebeesknees :
I was going to say something (aside from the fact that I'll kick this dude in the nuts if he doesn't call you back), but now I can't remember because I'm just thinking of saying that, unlike the lovely Ms. Sosuga, I'm a total hobag and give it up right away. Hm.
from sosuga :
I agree with Bees...remember tho that men process time differently than we do. Ya'll slept together so it causes the female brain to have expectations of how things will go - as in, you expect some sort of call the next day or whatever. Men on the other hand play it cool and revert right back to the dating stage where they call every few days or whatever, which is why I wait as long as humanly possible because I drive myself crazy when I throw sex into the mix. Anyway - right now I'd just do my best to entertain myself with other stuff in the meantime while he gets his head back on straight. men are idiots.
from thebeesknees :
ok, this dude emailing you yesterday was putting the feelers out. if he was going to blow you off, he wouldn't have emailed you or done ANYTHING. then, i'm sure when you mirrored his email, he got all bent out of shape or tripped out about it, not realizing you were doing the same thing he was. my money is on a whoooollllleee lot of trying to play it cool and thereby freaking each other out and making each other think the other one isn't into it. dating sucks.
from ladiebug :
yay for a good camping trip and double yay for workin' the guys on the hill run! way to represent! ;) have fun tonight with the new hottie, can't wait to read about it!
from ecstasia :
I am so happy for you! Finally, a real man! Have a terrific time camping. Love
from thebeesknees :
yeah, boys are way better than gum. although if you ask annie, i suppose they're synonymous.
from justvivo :
YAY!! Anxiously awaiting new developments.. :)
from ladiebug :
woo hoo for the great date and woo hoo again for having a fun weekend lined up!! :)
from thebeesknees :
well, this obviously calls for details. with a boy? with a pair of shoes? with orbit citrusmint gum?
from sosuga :
alright now, dont leave us hanging here!
from thebeesknees :
how refreshing: a boy who is a proper functioning adult! and who is cute! will wonders never cease? hooray for you!
from ladiebug :
wow, sounds like a great perspective!! glad to see you happy and makin' out with a hottie, ya whore.j/k ;) much love, l.bug
from sosuga :
OMG *yay* for stolen kisses in the rain with a boy who touches your face! AWW!
from limes-sugar :
Psychic Limes predicts: Dry spell will be over by next week, possible tonight. have fun. slut.
from thebeesknees :
Make sure to drink enough to be relaxed before your mechanical bullriding. Otherwise, you'll totally end up injuring yourself and have to tell everyone how it happened when you feel like your ass is broken for the next two weeks. Also, maybe you should go to a movie or something sober-friendly with W? He might be young, and you may have sworn it off, but kissing boys is fun. Although it will be odd if you want to kiss up on his roommate later, I suppose. So many boys, V, so little time.
from limes-sugar :
Boys ARE dumb. So, here is what is going to happen. You will have some shit luck, some ok luck...maybe a dry spell...then you will meet an awesome dude and make him your boyfriend. This is what Psychic Limes predicts. Until then, hang out with girls and appreciate getting slopping fucked up.
from thebeesknees :
I totally have a hoody that says "hos before bros" in old english on the back. Have I mentioned that before? I am ri-goddamn-diculous.
from smallhanded :
oh I am so sad and sorry that you are having such a rough time. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and still knowing that the great love is out there for you and you will find him it just may take a little while. try to relax about it and focus on yourself and don't sweat it too much and you will find him or he will find you. I know it. xoxo
from ladiebug :
yeah, that comment was mostly towards you... that bleh entry was really hard to entry. :/ i'm glad you're not in 'that' place anymore, though it was eerily relate-able. and yeah, guys suck... great insight that it was probably more about you and where you're at rather than w. i'm proud of you, beautiful. :)
from sosuga :
I think it all comes down to that blasted aspect of human nature that says, we want something we cant have. IE, these fellas that are making you wonder why they have not called - it forces you to think more about them, more about what may be wrong with you thats causing them to not call (do not think like this, its negatively approaching the aspect and it will only do more harm!) and thus begins the obsession of WHY's. The ones who ARE interested dont require any questioning because, duh, of course they want you! So you dont bother questioning anything into it and your interest falls off, but continues to be piqued by the morons who dont deserve it. I hate being a girl sometimes, esp when it comes to things like this! xo
from thebeesknees :
g and i are very smart women. of course, we are also women who do not have to place the call. otherwise, can you orchestrate a run-in of some sort over the weekend? or is one likely?
from thebeesknees :
you have his number. call him.
from thebeesknees :
oh,also: wtf with this punching girls in the face garbage? i had not heard that, but am definitely *not* a fan. lord.
from limes-sugar :
I love the feeling of knowing a boy can just suuuuuuuuuuuck it. I wanna see pictures. Of W. Of it all. is that even possible?
from thebeesknees :
glad you had a good weekend. and, yes, marie's riptide can suuuuuuck it. that place is just AWFUL. i'd rather be sober than go pay like seven bucks for the tiniest drink ever in the most disgustingly self-absorbed crowd ever. boo.
from laura-diane :
i know once upon a time i had your password but it was in the email i don't use anymore and maybe it's inactive? so will you email it to laurabenne@gmail.com? cause that would be great ;) thanks!
from thebeesknees :
you're killing me with this stuff. it's totally cracking me up. and, just fyi to make sure you knew this, the "shut up" was in response to the "you have too many shoes."
from thebeesknees :
Shut up.
from limes-sugar :
these are funny. I wish I could do that but am unfortunately not really smart enough in the item-speak. So...tell me VLA...when I need to make up items from our parties...can I call you to tell me how to put them together?? Seriously.
from thebeesknees :
It's really the most ridiculous video ever, and the stuff like that robot/robot showdown makes it even weirder and more ridiculous. Which is why I can't stop watching it, particularly the end where shit just stops making sense. These shoes suck.
from limes-sugar :
OMG> You are so so so right. You couldn't be more right. I may seriously need your phone number, so I can call you before I see them, and you can tell me that all over again. Cause my natural bitch-tendencies will be trying so hard to fuck me. PS, what is up with these boys??? I feel like I need my own VLA update.
from thebeesknees :
that's very entertaining. i love reading those. too bad everyone i know is so boring that they're generally not worth writing such things about, or there'd be no information to mine for them. i'd rather read that than stupid celebrity gossip. so over the ho-han & co.
from thebeesknees :
you didn't get blown off twice by the dude. maaaybe once, although i think it's clear that if you'd gone to small bar the other night you probably could've gotten it on with him...but thank goodness you didn't, given the update of last night. someone needs to stick a needle in him and pop that inflated head. maybe you should just tell paul that you're not trying to boyfriend up, or that you're too messed up to be dating someone right now (worked like a charm on two dudes for me when i just wasn't feeling it), but you hope you can be friends, blahblahblah, and have a fun weekend.
from sosuga :
I agree with l.bug, dont beat yourself up about calling him. You gotta know for sure, right? So why not? I mean, this is the (wait...what is this decade called? The new millenium? Wtf?) anyway its way past the time where women sat around and let the man do all the work, and at least if he calls you'll be like "wow, I'm glad I did!" and if he doesnt, you'll be like "wow I'm glad I know now!"...see?
from ladiebug :
don't be so hard, that takes guts to call him! very bold of you, and i've also found that g.s.t. (guy standard time) is usually delayed anywhere from 1 to 24 hours. good luck and here's positive vibes per request! ;)
from thebeesknees :
it's not dumb. you're being proactive and there's nothing dumb about that. also, nobody ever died from telling someone they liked them or showing some interest. bottom line is that now you'll know, and then you can smooch or move on. good girl.
from thebeesknees :
that "not a whore" comment is paul's way of spinning the humiliation he feels that you dissed him and didn't take him home. because, clearly, he was way into going home with you. boys are dumb.
from thebeesknees :
1. i did not think sarah was weird. 2. just call the chris boy and be like "so, do you want to do something?" if he's not into it, then you know and you can be done with that. if he is, you get to get your smooch and whatever else on with him. 3. gotta love that kevin's being a baby about you not wanting to listen to his boring same old b.s. in light of how all this shit has unfolded. yow. boys.
from sosuga :
Woah what a weekend you had! And the Kevin thing? Dude I was dying laughing about the brushing off your shoulder scenario (the part where he made you listen to it and then sent you a text? What a moron!) because man, what a lamewad he made himself look like. I'll bet youre all like, what an idiot, you know? I would be :)
from dieselengine :
I think I just wasted half of my life going through the Look Book's archives...argh!
from thebeesknees :
For some reason your voice mail didn't pop up on my phone until like an hour ago (thanks Verizon jerks), but I just died laughing when I heard it. DIED. That is amazingly funny, and fits into my entire image of the type of person who typically works at AA -- though I'm sure your friend who works there is cool. Seriously, dying laughing again about it.
from useafork :
Dude- gimme your password! I'll still read you and you can read me on the LJ. Maybe you too can join the LJ?
from sosuga :
Re: Steve? Its already forgotten about. I think everyone is kind of in some weird funk lately, it seems anyway. It will pass my dear, it will pass <3
from thebeesknees :
Sounds like you had a fun night. I was actually half-contemplating going to that last night, as I'd heard good things about her but didn't know much, but I ended up sitting in some bar and drinking cocktails for far too long and didn't want to move. He can suck it for that myspace comment if he was at all serious, by the way. In fact, he can suck everything through a straw after I kick his teeth in for that comment, skinny girl.
from ladiebug :
it sounds like had fun, but uh - what's up with that myspace comment? should've retorted with asking him about his sexuality (okay, well, third grade me would've... in my head at least...) j sounds interesting, though, especially if there were some sparks... p.s. i tried to write this in your guestbook, but it kept telling me i wasn't writing in the proper fields?
from sosuga :
hey bia -- send me a link to your myspace!! Lets me friends < /end dorky comment> no but really. Email it to me: sosuga at gmail D0t com (no spaces obviously).
from alicefalls :
Good lucks!
from thebeesknees :
Totally watching that awful show as well, though I didn't see it last week. I will admit that when the girl failed to be affectionate to the abominable snowman of a dog I kind of hated her, though, but maybe it's because the dog seemed way more appealing than the dude did to me. also, all these rules are bogus. also also, i love boys who are witty. also also also, sorry about your grandpa. xo.
from thebeesknees :
He didn't strike me as a weirdo, but I didn't really talk to him so I can't form an opinion otherwise. Clearly very, very into you, though. I had fun too, but had an insane cab ride after leaving and deciding I was going to sweat through my clothes if I walked home. Dude was singing R&B hits at top volume, making me glad I was being a fat kid and taking a cab about a mile
from woeknowsbest :
I heart you. You are too good to me. Make-up rundown soon!
from alicefalls :
Clinique bonus time! Oh god. I have however due to its lure found a couple of good lipsticks. The face cream though always made me break out horribly.
from ladiebug :
been okay, feeling the same... hate to have loved ones feel the same. but yes, it'll pass... take good care of yourself, chica.
from fridayfilms :
I think you're muchos interesting, dearest.
from ladiebug :
kinda worried... hope you're okay :/
from limes-sugar :
What Vla, WHAT?
from fridayfilms :
Vla, what's going on?
from limes-sugar :
I hate to make it all about boys.....but when the boy situation dries up a bit (and it's ALWAYS only for a bit) we start feeling all depressed again. Then you'll meet another boy..get giddy, and get over it. At least I seem to get sad when I have no boys to focus on. Maybe it's just me... I don't f-ing know.
from thebeesknees :
what happened to my role as buffer? we should get drinks or something soon if you want, although i'm not sure it sounds like you're in any mood to go out?...but if you decide you want to, let me know, buffer or not.
from clarity25 :
Reality bites! A classic! I know every line by heart because I always had it running in the background when I did my homework in college. I can always take time out to watch it and if it's on television I always get sucked in too. (even though I've already seen it so many times -- somehow it just never gets old -- a timeless portrait of the 1990's and Gen X.) As for making that call. Do what you feel most comfortable with. I don't think you HAVE to do anything, but I've never been good with the phone...:(
from thebeesknees :
don't call the guy back. if you call, you'll somehow guilt trip yourself into hanging out with him and be like "oh it's not a date, i'll go out once, it'll be innocent and that will be it" and then you'll do that and want to f'ing die. so, yeah, don't call him back unless you really want to reject the dude. or unless he keeps calling and calling and not taking the hint.
from alicefalls :
Thanks for your birthday note!
from fridayfilms :
Yes, though it's gentle (I think, there's drinking involved so it's sometimes hard to tell). There's no one here either. Only sometimes, when I chance upon him and he's in the right frame of mind (meaning the wrong frame of mind, I guess, but whatever. Right for me.).
from fridayfilms :
Oh, he's a hair-puller too, M is. Sigh.
from sosuga :
Elliot smith? Didnt he die? Or am I thinking of someone else? I need new music to listen to.
from sosuga :
yep he rides bulls for real, otherwise I'm not sure he'd qualify as a cowboy (unless you count the country-listenin, chevy truck drivin, dog-as-a-best-friend, country lovin' part) but hes the real deal! As for tips, man he tells me stuff all the TIME but its more for the real bulls...like how to spur them and get the best ride time. Mechanical bulls are a lot different as he claims, because they only go in circles whereas bulls will do all kinds of turns and such. Who knows, its a cowboy thing :b
from limes-sugar :
I loved this writing-writing. God ...we are def. similar people. In our thinking..it's funny. Regardless...I LOVELOVELOVE hearing about Steve kevin et al in this manner. Love it. No, seriously, I am gonna update. swear. maybe now.
from thebeesknees :
He doesn't sound good, just sanctimonious in his goodness. Also, you couldn't be with an Ellen Degeneres fan. Nor could I.
from justvivo :
Great, great piece of writing. Really.
from fridayfilms :
Copy that. I seem to find interest in boys who don't want much to do with me, other than what you do with a girl when it's convenient. Yup.
from ecstasia :
Wasn't the Sopranos just awful last night? What was up wit the heroin montage? Just awful, maybe their idea is to make the show as terrible as possible so you won't miss it when it is gone.
from justvivo :
yes???
from fridayfilms :
WHAT?!
from sosuga :
I know how tempting it is to contact him, but ask yourself: is a temporary fix worth all the progress you've made? Or think of it like this: What if he doesnt respond? How much more would that hurt? There's always that possibility he wont, or wont react the way you anticipate and it'll send you into a tailspin. I know its hard but it does get better...try keeping a written journal where you write letters to him about how you feel that day (but dont send them to him or anything, obviously!) it helped me a lot to do that when Tony and I were in our last stretch, I worked thru the emotions and was able to get past it quicker because I didnt deny myself the chance to get all my anger and frustration out before I took it out on someone else (like another fella, for example) I am STILL having withdrawls, I got something in the mail last night from him and it was gut wrenching to see his name...you just take it a day at a time sweetie, youre doing great I know you'll get thru it beautifully!
from woeknowsbest :
You are actually being very strong with this even when you think you are at the point where you are about to give. It's like you get to the point, and then you stop yourself. Which means you are tempted, and have the enormous strength to stop yourself. And that takes more strength than not even thinking about him at all. You are on the right path V. KEEP IT UP! We all love ya.
from clarity25 :
I can understand what you're going through and what you're feeling. Reading your entries makes my own heart hurt because it's hard. It's normal to miss him, to want to call him, to want to talk about these feelings and to be experiencing the pain of loss. Sometimes talking to that person helps, but often times just seeing other people and trying to curb the temptation is the best solution. Time heals all wounds, and eventually the pain will lessen. I'm thinking about you:) Things will get better.
from sosuga :
I agree with the post below, V. Just try not to reminisce right now, you can do that later when youre not emotionally hurt. At this point, remind yourself of all his bad qualities and how there is someone out there who wont up and leave, he'll love you with everything he has and always will. I know its hard to think about right now because youre probably thinking, but I dont want someone else, right? Give it time. Time is what it takes to heal, and we all know time flies. Its on your side. And all that other cliche stuff. Just remember that everything happens for a reason!!!!
from woeknowsbest :
The grieving you are going through right now, even though it fucking sucks and it hurts like hell is totally normal. I know you already know this and probably have heard it too many times already.</p><p> I've been through this kind of thing where I felt that deeply about someone 2 (or more) times and sometimes I thought it was going to kill me. For some reason I always think the second it's over, the guy is having a huge fucking party and we are left to clean up the broken glass and it makes me angry. So then I just get angry. And everytime I start to feel those warm fuzzy memories come back, at that second I think of something he did that caused me pain and then I am over it much faster. I know it's hard, but the days are going by so fast. You've been dealing with this for a long time. It's going to get better very soon.
from dieselengine :
Well who knows, maybe the cat thing is true? I hope you feel better. I was sick for like 16 days straight, it was horrible. The doc said my immune system is total crap so anytime I start to get worn down (missing sleep, doing too much) my body will react that way. Maybe that is your problem?
from woeknowsbest :
you will fall in love again, and someone will give you the same love you give, back :)
from fridayfilms :
Maybe what you need to do is put the rebounding aside and just concentrate on being comfortable with yourself. It sounds cheesey and especially rich coming from me, but it's something I'm looking forward to now. The boys will be there in scads when you're ready, but right now, it sounds like you just need to heal from your last relationship and be kind to yourself. Boys are loose canons at best and you can't expect anything from them, especially when there's no committment. Have fun with them for now and save the seriousness and love for the person who truly needs and deserves it: you. (my two cents, plus the other two makes four I guess.)
from dieselengine :
Well, the sneeze made it somewhat legit...but still. Weird.
from sosuga :
my first thought about him leaving was, he knew he was going to swell up or get crazy looking hives or something nasty like that and was scared you'd be totally horrified from it. Who knows it its actually the case, but that was my first thought for some reason. But yeah, I've had some pretty retarded situations happen and you cant help but think, god do they think this is NORMAL to act like this?!
from fridayfilms :
Oh vla. I'm sorry, but your description of events made me laugh, out of sympathy and partial understanding also (having been an avid watcher of SATC and given my own circumstances). Boys are dumb, that's all you need to know, okay? And if the guy had allergies, I mean, that's some fairly good comedy in retrospect, no? He must have really wanted to be there with you and...uh. You know. Okay, sorry.
from woeknowsbest :
I am a make-up junkie as you know, and I approve of your selection! I own most of it myself! I recommend to anyone who wears liquid foundation to try Cargo. I LOVE IT. Especially with their foundation brush. Love Sephor@!
from sosuga :
Ooo cant wait to hear how things go with Chris tonight (weds). And you know, nothing kills the bacteria of a cold/virus/whatever like some good old ALCOHOL, baby. So go have some fun!!!!
from fridayfilms :
Sure, and I would even say with that last part, "I hope you understand, and am grateful for the support you've given me these past few months. You're truly someone special and I hope we can continue to be a part of one another's lives." Something like that, to smooth it over and make it sound both final and like you care a great deal (even if you don't).
from fridayfilms :
I think it's extremely fine if you want to tell him over email. He's instigated the discussion through these means so he must be ready to hear you say what you're going to say. You haven't seen him for a few weeks, correct? So really, given that you haven't committed to him, you don't owe him any more than an explanation of your position. He seemms to already get that your ties are tenable at best. I would just tell him that you were never looking for something long-term and that it might be best if you just remain friends. He has to understand that. You're in a vulnerable position and he's known that from the start. No shame at all.
from thebeesknees :
I already suspected I was uncool, but now I know I am. Where is it? A quick search turned up nothing.
from thebeesknees :
secret squirrel?
from dieselengine :
I hope you feel better soon! It sucks being sick.
from bettyford :
how can someone get under your hood without popping it from the inside? also, congrats on the new boy. you know, kevin and i had sex the very first night we met and look at us now . . . changing diapers, splitting the mortgage, compromising on pizza toppings and shit.
from thebeesknees :
Yay! I knew he would call, because you are one foxy bitch. I am sure he didn't just call to do the right thing, because guys just don't do that. You should just call and see what he's up to, see if he gave you the cold of death, and be all casual and say you assume you'll see him at that party. If not, then you can make the plans. So happy for you. Also, feel better, girl.
from dieselengine :
three letters: WTF?! I can't believe somebody stole your fluids. That sounds like a band, "The stolen fluids". I hope it didn't cost much to get fixed!
from justvivo :
Thank you so much for that note - it helped more than you know. Every now and then I need a reminder that I need to keep facing future. xoxo
from dieselengine :
I hope you aren't getting my same cold...IT WAS HORRIBLE!
from clarity25 :
It sounds like you had a fun night! Just let yourself enjoy the memory of it and try not to think to deeply about it. Don't allow any regrets to cloud your vision. This is your time to "sow your wild oats" and live it up. He sounds hot too!:)(I'm such a bad influence I know, but hey I'm a fuddy duddy married woman. It's fun to read about these experiences because I never had a chance to live out some "Sex in the city" single years before settling down. I always wondered what that would be like! -- But don't tell Eric I said that. *smiles*) P.S. Thank you so much for your last caring note
from ladiebug :
6'4!! insert drool here. glad you had a good time with him and sowing some single oats!
from woeknowsbest :
You know what they say. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It's totally worked for me before. I'm just saying... I'm so glad you are having fun. You've come so far from a few months ago. I'm happy for you.
from thebeesknees :
good for you. and you are so not a ho. duh.
from clarity25 :
Meeting new friends is always fun and so is expanding your social group. You have the whole world open to you now and you're young. Enjoy it! As for wanting to meet someone new. That's natural. Sometimes the chemistry is there, sometimes it's not. That's how life is and there's no reason to feel bad about it. Have a good weekend, Vla:)
from thebeesknees :
it was good! total girls' night out, good jukebox, pretty good fun. i'm glad you and the steve had fun as well!
from thebeesknees :
seems kind of iffy to comment on the writing rather than the content, but you are a great writer. i could read what you write forever and ever, it seems.
from justvivo :
Ok, you asked for it (and I wouldn't tell you this if I didn't believe it!)You WILL fall in love again. And it will be fucking beautiful. and magic and messy and lovely and rich and alllll that. It's gonna happen so just hold on. Truly, my friend. Unfortunately, it may be when you least expect it and can be easily passed by. But you'll know. And you'll be there. So don't ever give up hope. Ok?
from thebeesknees :
I'm planning on having drinks with a gal pal of mine later tonight, not sure where as of yet, and you are more than welcome to join us. It will be kind of low key, but...I would love to see you.
from fridayfilms :
Hugs and kisses both.
from thebeesknees :
Stay strong, darling girl. I'm sorry things are so rough. I'm not going to go the cliche route and say they'll be better soon, becuase I'm not you, and I don't know how you're feeling. But you've hung in there this long, and for that you are truly a star. Love love love.
from justvivo :
I know it's hard, when you're missing him so much that it hurts unbearably, but in the midst of all the hurt, please remember, just for a second, all the things that were wrong in the relationship that led to its end. I know it doesn't make things better when your heart feels like it's shattered, but I know there's something better out there for you.
from alicefalls :
I'm writing you a prescription for new cute shoes...may be substituted for any other cute new items of clothing or accessories. Seriously!
from fridayfilms :
Oh like 3 times a day, it's ridiculous. You'll need me to add you as a p.r. for some of it, which I'll need your email to do.
from ladiebug :
okay, seriously, are we long lost twins? anything you ever write i'm going through the same... more often than not, at least.
from fridayfilms :
Hmmm, I know the feeling. Hence the constant updates, I guess.
from justvivo :
Ack. I'm sorry you are feeling crappy and lonely, and feh. I have been reading this all, and have no excuse for my lack of comments... just know I've been thinking about you! xo
from thebeesknees :
I'm debating whether to keep that dress, actually, after trying it on again. It's kinda tight through the chest. Anyway. You should get that really cute dress that's white with the black swiss dots. I think it's called the "pancakes dress" or something. I think it would v. cute on you. Sorry things have gone all complicated with Mr. Steve.
from fridayfilms :
I almost squirted water out of my nose when I read about how you're thinking that he maybe likes you likes you. I would have thought you'd gathered that by now ;)
from dieselengine :
That is weird...but maybe you two were met to meet. Let us know how it goes.
from thebeesknees :
You're so fancy with your Neiman's credit card now! I almost got sucked into one of those a couple of years ago, for the slight discount I was going to get for opening it, but figured it could spell horrifying financial trouble so I resisted. I am in super shop shop shop money money money mode lately too. Maybe it's this time of year...? Also, turtleneck plus snowsuit equals the hotness.
from bettyford :
what are you allowed to eat?
from clarity25 :
Too bad you don't live closer! I would love to meet up with you. We'd take shots of vodka while blasting the pixies and dancing around the room. We'd talk until the early morning hours and pass out on a pile of blankets on the floor. I miss having a female friend to do that with. Watch chick flicks and bitch about boys. My closest friend here in Germany just moved to another town and all my other girlfriends are in America. Your last entry just made me think about that, too bad we can't hang out:). Hope you're having a good weekend, Vla. I don't leave comments as often as I wish I could, just wanted you to know I'm thinking about ya:)
from ladiebug :
i'm sorry to hear about s possibly moving... i kinda thought he was a rebound at first, but over time it definitely seemed like it could've cultivated into something more meaningful. i'm sorry that this had to happen, chickie. :(
from thebeesknees :
fuuuuuuuuuuuck. so sorry.
from thebeesknees :
f'ing lawyers are everywhere. i don't know if it's just the product of getting older and people getting more career-track jobs, but i know way too many lawyers even outside of work. scary.
from justvivo :
You'd better come on down to Phoenix and have a cocktail with me then! Ah, I feel you about the displaced feeling in the new place. It will get better and it will be all yours. And the beauty of that is that boy or no boy, you get to start fresh in a place that nobody has been in before with you. And make your own next chapter. I know it's hard, but look out at the skyline and smile... (after you get back from Phoenix, of course). xo
from ladiebug :
okay, i'm dumb... i know that s was supposed to call this friday so yeah it was his turn to call, but why is it that you don't call him (on a general basis) again? i'm glad to hear the move went okay, though, despite it being a huge transition period right now. honestly, though, i'm envious - new digs, new perspective, new start. i hope this is indicative of new bigger and better things for you, you definitely deserve it.
from thebeesknees :
How'd I manage to miss the last entry, considering I check for updates like every three seconds all day long? Boo. You are a strong girl, and I applaud you for that. Where is the new place (I forget)? You said kinda same neighborhood, but different? You can use bar geography to tell me if you want (as in, I live near Tuman's)
from fridayfilms :
Two words: My. Space.
from fridayfilms :
Vla, you silly girl: you have access to them as well (ask me how if you really don't know). Unless of course you're talking about my trip to the UK, in which case you should be jealous.
from ladiebug :
i know you're right, about the d thing. i'm uber-proud of you for resisting the ex sex again... it sounds like with that situation, he's looking to get back in. kinda tripped me about how utterly selfish guys are - asking if you went to see him have a meltdown. uh - what? no, you're going to see the band, don't flatter yourself, the world doesn't revolve around you... heh, i'm not on the bitter bus or anything. ;) i'm envious with how strong you're being, though.
from thebeesknees :
Yeah, I totally ordered the skirt yesterday. MJ is my dark lord. When the total came up on the screen I was half excited and half wanted to throw up. Not even sure if it'll fit, but we shall see.
from thebeesknees :
Not to be an enabler, so I have no idea why I'm telling you this, but if it says 9:30 there's no way the show will actually start until 10. I went to a show there a few weeks ago with as many bands and tried showing late to miss the openers and the first band was just going on around 10:15. On a more productive front, good luck with your class. I hope all goes well...
from thebeesknees :
breakdancing? say what? i went to the apple store for ipod love yesterday and actually ended up leaving because the wait was so long. maybe i need to scoot down there on my lunch hour this week
from bettyford :
thanks for my note. and i do, but why the fuck must i have to keep reminding myself? and you remember how exciting your life is. (esp. to those of us who go to bed before 8:30pm). i really liked that thing that steve said that went something like,"yeah, but you feel alive". god, what is up with steve? and not that i'm siding with kevin, in the least, but i have to say he is a master of the written word, ain't he?
from ladiebug :
ps sorry for the abrupt/weird ending... bossman came over.
from ladiebug :
i feel weird for somewhat taking his "side," but... hrm. i DO agree with you that his timing was stupid in regard to the "dating" and "settling" segue-way, but when i read that, i just took it to mean that he doesn't want to "settle down" (not necessarily with a person, but in life? i guess he just kind of reminds me of a dreamy/flighty person who has these grandiose dreams and wants to shoot for the stars type, you know? or i could be off...). not necessarily settle for a person, as in "well, this will do" but rather settle as in settle down, have a home base, something grounded (since he doesn't really seem to be and that's why things are difficult)? of sorts... anyway... i do agree that it's not your "job" to help him get through this... you have way more than enough on your plate. weird as it is... i'm kinda wondering what the parallels are with your s and my b (ha, since it's always about me, lame). move out of chicago and come to san diego... cute guys galore! ;) hope you are feeling better, anna
from thebeesknees :
I didn't, because it started working fine for a stretch again. However, it has crapped out twice just this week so I am most definitely taking it in and seeing what I can get out of it before the end of the weekend. That store on the weekend should be a total f'ing nightmare, but maybe that'll encourage them to just give me a new one and move on. I'll keep you updated.
from ilovemayo :
i heart drunken entries!
from alicefalls :
This was the best entry!!
from thebeesknees :
I'd want all knee highs. I have two pair of argyle knee highs, and they are fantastic.
from fridayfilms :
Try Brazilian Girls or The Avalanches, if you haven't already. Or Tosca. These are relatively dancy, but with a harder beat and some hip-hop influences definately (I think).
from thebeesknees :
Not particularly a new album, but if you don't have it, you should get Annie's "Anniemal." Good stuff, particularly in the morning...or would probably be good to run to as well.
from thebeesknees :
Yeah, that settling thing was the one that really struck me as I read that too. Total prick move on his part.
from ladiebug :
man, i had missed a lot... i don't even really know what to write or how to console... or if you need consoling. you're a tough cookie, and you're gonna make it... it's just - man. when i read this stuff, some of it i can relate to and some of it feels like i'm gonna feel it. you're really pouring out your soul lately, val... it's evoking so many thoughts and emotions. please take care, anna
from thebeesknees :
1. the last three times i had sex with my ex, while we were still together, i either cried during it or in the bathroom after it went down. he never so much as noticed, btw. 2. the old adage of "it takes someone to get over someone" isn't that far off, and i don't think it's unhealthy to be seeing someone. i saw two such someones, and slept with another person, in the first three months after i dumped the ex...and it was good. for my mind, at least. the sex was pretty fucking subpar, except for the one-off dude.
from bettyford :
holy fucking shit! goddamn. i bet that was like the fucking hottest sex EVER. jesus, girl. it was *bound* to happen. you can't end a 6 year relationship without any closure. i would die if things ended with my kevin. there's no way that the majority of women could've been half as strong as you've been for half as long. maybe he's learned his lesson? but you know now that you can live without him if need be? i'm totally surprised but totally not at the same time???
from thebeesknees :
Hey, as long as you were comfortable with it, who cares what anyone else thinks? As people have said, it's part of the process, and after dating someone for that long, I don't think it's particularly surprising that it might happen. Everyone I know has done that at one time or another. Hope you're feeling okay with everything today...
from ilovemayo :
vla, could i have a pw pretty please? i found you through hippo's diary. i used to be on dland a while back, but just recently came back to it
from fridayfilms :
Oh vla, that's hard. I know what it's like because I've been through it. This won't make things easier, you're right, but it's all part of a process, whatever that might be. Just remember that you get to decide, okay? It's your decision becasue he revoked his say when he handled it like he did. Keep setting boundaries, no matter what. And stay strong (because you are).
from dieselengine :
Oh my. You seem confused but not... I can't put my finger on it. But you are following your heart and sometimes you gotta do that.
from thebeesknees :
I swear I'm working and not reading diaries while on serious fucking deadline, but I can't imagine any boy being too hot for you. You are like DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. I mean, I went on a lesbian date and I'm not even into girls, so you must be. And are. So there. Now go get those boys.
from bettyford :
you have WRITTEN the rules of breaking up as far as I am concerned. Just know that so many people "get you". You write with so much clarity and truth, it's amazing. I know that you get sick of the roller coaster that are your emotions right now. the longing, the hating. back and forth. i know that you are tired of doing the right thing. but it's (kinda) like quitting smoking. everyday is hard and then six months have passed and you're like i kick so much ass. one day you'll look back and realize that you can do any fucking thing. you're taking the hard road and taking it with dignity and grace. all jackie o style and shit. is the eating alright? you never mention it and i wonder if just went away with fuckhead and his cloud of sad.
from limes-sugar :
oh shit. i just read the email b/tw you and K. dude. stay that strong I know, i feel like you are like 'am i being too much of a bitch' but oh my god it's so strong. YOu know what it is, it's so strong that if you stay thatway, no doubt you'll get WHAT YOU WANT. whatever that is. it's strong enough to get whatever desired fucking result you want. shit.
from thebeesknees :
Okay, first, I am proud of you for staying strong. Second, I am so sorry you're feeling so awful as of late. Third, fuck that selfish prick. Maybe a well timed email with "Maybe it's time for you to realize that everything in life does not revolve around what you want, or what works best for you, Kevin." is due. Finally, I will *so* get drinks with you but I can't until Wednesday...for I.am.still.working.
from mozangeles :
Kudos, Val. What pisses me off about this is that Kevin thinks he can just have his cake and eat it, too. He pisses me off. He tries to come off as so mature and together in his e-mails. Well, congratufuckyoulations Kevin, you dickwad, lovely to see you are doing so well. Now go EFF yourself! Seriously, I love your response. I know you are hurting and DO miss hin at times, but I am glad you are taking up for yourself and being strong. Good for you. xoxo - me
from justvivo :
GOOD.FOR.YOU! I know you are having a hard time with this at times, but reading his email, he didn't ask if you wanted to meet, or if you had any interest. He said "I suggest we do THIS." I'm so glad you responded the way you did. You are in control of your life now, not him - even if he doesn't realize that. xoxoxo
from dieselengine :
Good for you. Stand your ground. My ex-boyfriend would send me these loooong, sobby letters asking me to meet up with him and it got to the point that I stopped even answering them. It was much easier to let him go after that.
from fridayfilms :
Good for you.
from fridayfilms :
Oh vla, what are you going to do?
from clarity25 :
Alicefalls had a good point. You've been together a long time, Longer than Eric and I were married. It's natural for you to miss him and feel an intense pain of loss. It's also easy to overlook the struggles and remember the good times when you're feeling lonely. I know how that is. I remember with my ex-boyfriend (we had been together only 2 years), I was falling apart. At first I felt okay, strong and empowered. Than I would collapse and feel weak. I wanted him to want me and to miss me the way I missed him. We had agreed to be friends, but he only came around once and a while. It hurt how casual it was for him. So I told him I didn't want to see him AT ALL. I figured that would hurt him. But than he just disappeared. I felt even more miserable. It took time before I was able to truly move on and stop hugging my pillow at night while crying. Even though everyone had said "Oh c'mon Clarity..he was a jerk!" They didn't understand. In time I thought of him less, I was more focused on my new dates and having a good time. But the funny thing is..that the minute he was completely out of my mind, is the minute he came back. But at that point, I was happily engaged to Eric and had moved on with my life. So it didn't matter much than. Whatever happens, It's going to to get better AND easier. This is just the hard phase. I'm thinking about you.
from limes-sugar :
You're having the equivalent of 'using dreams.' you know, like after you quit drinking but you keep dreaming about alcohol, drinking etc. when i did the cleansing fast, i dreamed every night about alll kinds of food. Vivid retarded food dreams. so the grandma/kevin dreams are just your subconcious workin it out!! I know you already know that so ..stating the obvious. Also...i mean, Vla...i would advise you to NOT get attached. don't let yourself go right into another relationship. I think it's fine if you wait for him to call you...I think the best thing to do is stay a little guarded. My 2 cents. NO...more like pesos.
from dieselengine :
I actually knew a girl named Barbie growing up and she had blonde hair and was super cute...but she grew up to be very goth, went to medical school and is now an anesthesiologist. Go figure.
from limes-sugar :
RE: But I was thinking it. And thinking: I miss you, kevin. You fucking asshole. I hate you. I miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Call me. Fuck off. man. I SO. know . what. you. mean. ...man.
from alicefalls :
I dont know what kind of time you have but perhaps get yourself a cat or even better a small cat sized dog. I wasnt a dog person before my dog, but they give you more love than youll ever need and all they want in return is their bellies rubbed.
from alicefalls :
V- your in pain, 6 years is a long time, longer than some marriages. You loved him and you cant just get rid of those feelings like magic. With time your heart will heal and you will feel less and less pain and then one day you will wake up and realise "kevin? kevin who?" in the mean time go out drink, dance, flirt, do whatever you want cos well...you can!
from ladiebug :
thanks for relating, and moreso for being the catalyst (ie, motivation) to move on from d, as well. i know we'll get through this... just wish it was sooner than later! much love, l.bug
from thebeesknees :
1) You should totally make out with the almost rock star. Not only are you hot for him, but it would probably KILL your charming ex...what with him being in a band on the verge of breaking and also a drummer. Sting. 2) I tried calling your cell last night and it was all weird and I didn't even get voice mail. No idea what is up with that, except that technology sucks. 3) I'm sorry you're feeling the hangover pain. Nothing makes a day go slower.
from thebeesknees :
Ugh, now I feel doubly bad about having to bail out on you last night. Sorry, V. My job is sucking me dry. Re: Steve, you can just say you didn't see him until you were leaving, and you were drunk and your poor drunken logic told you not to intrude on his plans. Just be honest: "I was drunk and I have no idea why I didn't say hi, but I felt weirdly unsure of intruding on your plans..." We've all been there.
from ladiebug :
that entry had me thinking: progress. wonderful progress. especially with that last paragraph. keeping you in my good thoughts, ms. val. much love, anna
from dieselengine :
I think it is very apparent, going back from the time of the breakup till now, how much you've grown. You've also learned a lot about how much your relationship was effecting other aspects of your life and you are coming to terms with it and getting yourself back. It is an awesome thing. I am so happy for you.
from thebeesknees :
Don't be mad at December you, be super fucking impressed with and proud of March you. I know I am. xo.
from limes-sugar :
Things all cats do. Exactly. I have thought that so many times and love that you wrote it out. Wrote it out beautifully. So....fk i am behind in updates. and i have much to update. Anyway, came toyou first of course and could read all day! XO
from clarity25 :
Your last entry was beautiful, I could relate to the feelings and thoughts you expressed. It's always going to be different, the emotions and sensations with someone else. Starting over is so damn hard, but it's worth it. It just takes time. It always takes time. It's a struggle. I hope everything works out for you, and everything falls into place. Until than I am reading and caring. I also wanted to thank you for your notes. Thank you for being a friend and for understanding.
from bettyford :
Werner Herzog totally passed over and reshaped information to improve the story line. I think Timothy Treadwell probably was a little crazy because of the long term suppression of his homosexuality? Maybe? And who is to say what he did was right or wrong? all I know is that he fucking LOVED what he did and he believed in it with all of his queer little heart. Who can say that shit? No one I know. I love him. I'm obsessed. I loved your entry today.
from thebeesknees :
My ipod totally died on the way home from work yesterday. It froze four times before, and now is totally fucking dead. And it's only two months old! And I haven't dropped it! And the Apple store people better just give me a new one, because I am feeling a little stabby lately, as you know. So fucking annoying.
from bettyford :
damn you get hit on all the time. i wish i knew what you looked like. so i can immitate it. and get hit on. wait, that's creepy and i'm married. but i still have this picture of you in my head and i always wonder if it matches. and what the fuck is up with your sister and not "getting it". has she never been dumped?
from fridayfilms :
Of course it matters how you feel, but that's none of his business. It's good that you have a a poker face for him and can be anxious about it in private. When I'm facing a breakup, I typically wear it and do/say pathetic things I look back on and cringe over. In the end, it's all about coming to terms with the situation and behaving in a way that is healthy for you. And you seem to be doing that, so try not to worry too much (at least not about how you're dealing with him). What he's doing to you is immensely selfish and unfair. He's right about one thing though: given the way he's handled the situation, you truly owe him nothing.
from fridayfilms :
Val, you are handling this like a pro.
from thebeesknees :
the "marvelously so" part made me want to stab him, but maybe only because i am similarly situated with the whole ex venom factor.
from fridayfilms :
I don't think that was a bad idea at all.
from thebeesknees :
No, it makes me wish I'd have gone. Because then I could've been the new, mysterious friend who plants hints with people who are friends with Kevin about new boys in your life, so that it is relayed back to him, and he gets a figurative bitch slap in the face. I ended up moping around and feeling sorry for myself so I should've just gone out. We could've left and looked at boys elsewhere once you got bored. Sorry you had a subpar time...
from fridayfilms :
I think there must have been something in the water last night, generally. Probably not such a good idea to have left the house, at least in my case.
from alicefalls :
I'll be 29 in a couple of months and I still get that wave of insecurity now and then about one thing or another. Im getting better at ignoring it though. Maybe you really like this guy but because your not over the ex you think it must be just because your lonely and if it turns out you just are lonely and hang out with him then hooray for that too. If the neighbor helps with the moving on and feeling better and getting over the ex then thats a good thing.
from clarity25 :
Thanks for your last note, I haven't commented much either. I'm always reading though, You're one of my favorite diaries. I love how long your entries are. I usually read your words with a coffee and cigarette. So often I relate or think "exactly", I sympathize and my thoughts go out to you. Even though I don't always verbalize it. I know what you mean about not many people updating lately. I don't update as often as I used to either, but you can always find me at my photoblog. I have more thoughts, but I need to log off and get dressed. It's a friend's birthday tonight. I hope you have a good weekend.
from ladiebug :
sorry to hear it's been so tumultuous for you lately, just with everything it seems. i guess what always helps me is knowing that this is transient, and it'll pass (geh, i knew that would come out cheesy...). i just hope it passes along (not just with k, but with the physical stuff, too) sooner than later. take good care of yourself, val, i love you much.
from fridayfilms :
I know exactly what you mean and I'm sorry you're going through that. Hugs to you from way over here.
from dieselengine :
I have heard mixed things about Zappos. I do all my internet shoe-whoring at gothamcityonline.com check it out.
from alicefalls :
V- you may only start complaining about the cold when it is -28 with the windchill as it was here today. I had to go out today and my skin and lips are still burning...
from fridayfilms :
I love you too vla, though you should open your diary back up to the public. It makes no difference now, right? Unless I've misunderstood your motivation for locking it. Anyway, your ex-boy deserves to know exactly what you think of him.
from thebeesknees :
I totally hate Kevin, and hate that I have to lump him in with all these males who are SO MISUNDERSTOOD. Oh, and so totally self-centered. Boo to that. Also, I was on Ortho Lo and skipped a period or two on occasion and it was no problem at all.
from fridayfilms :
Stay strong, vla. He wants to entangle your seperate issues, which is a really good way of entangling you generally. You're in a much better place than he is and I hope you never feel badly about that. Because it's not your fault and you deserve hapiness, whereas he deserves to grow up and handle the repercussions of his actions like a big boy. I wouldn't get involved with him in any way, for a long time, if I were you. He obviously wants to muddle things so that he can have what he thinks he wants (evidenced by how he left), and no concern about how it affects you. Anyway, you know all that, but I wanted you to know that you're definately backed in your sense of things.
from thebeesknees :
I think he just means you're subtle about your sweetness, which I think is a good thing. As in, you're not this cliched sickeningly sweet goofy embarrassment of a girl...so, compliment I think.
from thebeesknees :
So, not actually skydiving, then. Nice!
from thebeesknees :
Did you know that recently Ron tried indoor skydiving with his wife and he's totally gonna do it again? That Ron, he is a crazy Republican! Hahah...
from thebeesknees :
Is it just the lawyer thing that makes you think Republican? Because I know lots of lawyers, and very few of them are actually Republicans. Or was it that he waxed poetic about the leader of this fine nation in his sleep?
from justvivo :
First of all, I have been waiting for the update to your last post! Bout time! You are so funny - I'm so glad you had a great time. The republican thing... hmmm... tough one, but you know what? Eh. Some of them aren't certifiable (I happened to find one too, much to my utter dismay - but he's a supporter of stem cell research, pro choice, and an environmentalist so... I'll give a little leeway). Sounds like a GREAT night. And Ke? F-him. Let him dangle out there. You're exactly right. He does NOT get to call the shots. VLA IN THE HOUSE!!! xo
from mozangeles :
Ugh, Republicans? But, he could turn out to be a good guy, like Claire's boyfriend from Six Feet Under. HAHA! xoxo - me
from thebeesknees :
You're so funny with the Republican thing, but I have totally fretted over such things myself in the past, so I understand. Maybe you can make some sort of offhand remark about some issue to figure out where he is on the liberal/conservative spectrum? I think I once sent someone an email that was just like "Wait, you're not a Republican, are you?" I am a subtle gal.
from jasminum :
Wha? Wha? What? Is that all we're going to get? Shame on you.
from thebeesknees :
Well, just let me know when you're feeling up to full speed and we'll make plans to sip some fizzy beverages once again.
from dieselengine :
Congrats on the apartment, the music and the you know what.
from thebeesknees :
Good for you, you dirty girl. Hope you're feeling better...or at least were for a bit this weekend *ahem*
from clarity25 :
Hi Vla, I just caught up with all your entries, There is so much to comment on, but it would be about issues from a while back. So I'll just sending you "get well vibes" and I sincerely hope you feel better soon. Being sick sucks, I'm also sick at the moment. Everything is life looks worse and more stressful when you're ill. I hope this clears up for you soon.
from limes-sugar :
Yo. why do our lives mirror each other.??? alllways. Um, I am about to have apt. drama..... mold. mold. mold. everywhere. Soooooooo depressing.
from mozangeles :
I hope you get better soon, lovely Vla! xoxo - me
from bettyford :
ok,i think kevin's ego was blown to hell when you, one, didn't BEG him to stay and try to make it work or what not. two, you never tried to contact him. and then three, b told him you were doing great. it's probably difficult for him to think that he is THAT easy to get over, you know? you should not even JUSTIFY his attempts meet up with a reply. xoxoxxoo
from sanetwin :
feel better soon!!!
from thebeesknees :
Blech. Big thumbs down to the illness. One of the cute boys of the other night emailed me, so maybe I can still hook you up with some hot, going nowhere, make out action.
from thebeesknees :
First, there were also two cute boys there...friends of friends, who probably think I'm a big drunken moron. Polar opposites style wise but both very cute. Second, loved your comments about the nail polish. Made me laugh aloud.
from justvivo :
Well, first of all, I'm glad you haven't responded. Screw him for thinking the world revolves around him. What-Ever. Also, yay. You sound rejuvinated and better in this last entry! I know you're going through alot of crap and emotions right now, but through it all you still sound strong and peppy and knowing that you're headed for greater things - whatever they may be. and YAY on the run. Doesn't it make life so much better sometimes??? xo
from o-r-they :
fuck him. what a joke.
from fridayfilms :
I think you're absolutely right not to respond. It's unfair of him to expect anything from you, now and probably ever. Let him stew. He can't have it both ways, and he'll realize that a lot faster once he notices your continued silence. It's such a mind-fuck and I would be so confused and unhappy right now.
from bettyford :
oh my god, you have gotta spill it with the some young dude freaking out on you thing!!! the fact that you didn't go into it "hurts a little". hahahaha. and kevin can go and fuck himself. the audacity! sorry about the apartment situation. that just means you have more time to find something more perfect. thanks for the pep yesterday, it made me giggle.
from fridayfilms :
You tell B to tell Kevin that no friend would ever do to you what he did.
from thebeesknees :
You're so right! I just made myself DEAF in an ear and I didn't realize it. I shudder to think what actually kissing a boy would do to my health. Thanks for being on God-watch for me, my lesbian mystery date. xo.
from justvivo :
Thank GOD you updated before I got too antsy waiting to hear about the DATE! Well, sounds fun, girl. Sounds like he likes you. Don't struggle too much about the differences, or the fact that he's not your usual type. If it becomes too much, you'll find out soon enough. Meanwhile? Hell... ENJOY what choo got! HNS is likin' you! And btw, the leaving the wine opener was no coincedence... ha!
from thebeesknees :
i am dying here. i can't remember your new password and i'm at work and i haven't been able to read in like two days. can you email me the pwd again, because i only have it saved on my work computer and...why can't i remember?
from limes-sugar :
word. looooved that fucking entry v. loooooouuuuuvvved it. laugh laugh laugh. you should write more stream of conscious. soooo cute and hilarious and funny. you be funny. I am fucking nervous for you man. nerve nerve nerve. what happened what happened? what happened? Pls. let me know or i may implode. ebay those sevens bitch, you know people's liberation is where it's at, dont' play! Fuck man, did he come over, did he show up, did you go see move (code word for: movie). Tell. tell tell tell. i am at work and it is 11:15p. so, you know where i've been.
from bettyford :
let him make the next move. seriously. don't chase.
from dieselengine :
Go you! I can't wait to hear more about hotneighborsteve.
from thebeesknees :
ooh! promising! did you also drink saliva? i'm all class when i'm feverish.
from bettyford :
and this bottle of wine with sexy steve . . . did you get to touch his wiener ??? is that what you meant by "ummmm"? now that you're a single gal, you gotta watch out for the clap. ok?
from mozangeles :
Aw Vla, I feel so sad for you. God, what you are going through right now is what I dread going through with my current boyfriend. We have been together so long and I love him so much that I cannot imagine being alone, single, and not having him around. I heart you and I am here for you. xoxo - me
from limes-sugar :
You have to remember it JUST happened. It's like someone dying. Gonna hurt for a long time. But not forev. and it WILL GET BETTTTTEEEERRRR. Gay but true.
from thebeesknees :
Also, I am apparently going to put "<blank> never hurt anyone" in all notes to you. A little extra explanation and highlighting ones repeated phrases never hurt anyone, you know.
from thebeesknees :
If you're still thinking about the money stuff, you should ask him for it. It clearly bothers you, and as EVERYONE KNOWS (including Sir Kevin of Charitopia), he owes you that shit. I think copying the bills and highlighting it and then having it handed off to him sounds good. It not only puts it in his face, but it involves B to some extent and he should be ashamed to be a cheapskate in front of his good friend. Extra social pressure never hurt anyone.
from jasminum :
Yeah. So my response was going to be all witty and cute...but yeah....what limes said.
from limes-sugar :
Hey. I am going to update as soon as i have time. I am made about being so busy. I like what Friday said. About hi-lighting the part he owes so he kind of sees it right there. BUT... I also like the approach of calmlywithnoemotion asking him for this amt for this this and this. And if his response is anything but 'sure, here is the $$' then write back, "I am quite confused as to why you feel I should pay for things for you without getting reimbursed. Last time I checked I was not a bank. However, if I was a bank, I would be getting my money back plus interest. Also, last time I checked, we were broken up, and so I don't really feel the need to give to the Kevin Fund, since you seem to think everything is a donation. Actually it's not, so I'd like to be paid back, thanks!' hahahahhahahah. the kevin fund. hahahahhaha. donations. ahahahhahahahaha.
from fridayfilms :
Photocopy both bills, highlight what he owes you, seal them in an envelope and give it to B to pass off to him. Sometimes seeing the figures in their original context is enough to provoke a payment. He needs to get his head out of his ass. If he wants to make a clean break from you, he needs to do it responsibly and settle up. You're nobody's sugar daddy now, and it's time to make that plain to him.
from dieselengine :
send it, ask for it. he owes you!
from mozangeles :
I think you deserve every cent he owes you. You don't have to support him or take care of him anymore! Get that money! xoxo - me
from smallhanded :
Hey, I just wanted you to know that even though I haven't really updated in awhile, I am still here and still reading and still sending good thoughts your way. I think it's fine for you to send that email if it'd make you feel better. Or you can just forget it and chalk it up to a tax for getting free and moving on to a better life. Which you will be. Trust me. Sorry about your real estate woes. xoxo
from fridayfilms :
Good for you, vla. My neighbour, on the other hand, is the LAST person I would notify of a break-up. But he's pretty creepy, so.
from thebeesknees :
You should just knock on your cute neighbor's door and ask him to get drinks with you sometime. Or do so next time you see him. Or slip a note under his door indicating that if he ever wants to get drinks, he should call you. A little forwardness never hurt anyone. Also, i'll be interested to hear more about the realtor. And, also, where do you get your brows done? Oh, lord, I am so full of questions and comments I should probably just email...
from thebeesknees :
i forgot part two of your query: i'm not super enthused about my new realtor. he's ok. someone i know bought a place a while back, so i'll ask her what her experience was like. i'm pretty sure she liked the woman she used? maybe all realtors are totally annoying.
from thebeesknees :
ugh, yes, i believe i will be unavailable for drinks tonight. i'm feeling better, but i think it would be pushing it to test the waters so soon. blech.
from clarity25 :
Hi! thanks for your new password! I just received it, (I was wondering why the old one didn't work!) I finally caught up with all your entries. (I had fallen behind over the past week with all the traveling I've been doing and spending time with my family) I've had nights like the one you described, and I passed out drunk without washing my face. But it's good that you're getting out and having some fun regardless.:) I hope you have a great weekend.
from lisasays :
hey! i'm unlocked...don't really know why i freaked out before. i shouldn't be so scared of judgment. so anyway, if you want to send me your p/w, i'd love to hear what's going on with you...
from limes-sugar :
RE: BELOW: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA. HAHAHAHAHHAHHHHHAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH. That was funny. you are funny. XO right? Cause of coooouuuuurrrrssseeee of all the guys to think: hot it'd be the fucking psycho who is about to go off his meds and stop leaving the house and/or eating. fucking christ. crazy magnet.
from ecstasia :
OK, so you are envious of my Bottega, but I am envious of your cigarette jeans! I wear bootleg or a slight flare because I am heavy in my midsection and hips and thighs - I need a little flare to even me out. But you Missy, in your sexy skinny jeans?! I bet you look fucking awesome girly.
from thebeesknees :
No weekend plans! Why, you're coming to a party with me tomorrow night. Duh, V. And, as mentioned, if it sucks we will say our goodbyes and then I will take you to ogle boys elsewhere and they will all ogle your hot ass and then...well, who knows?
from fridayfilms :
Regardless of B's intentions, it wasn't very nice of her to go blabbling your concerns to Kevin. She's in an especially empowering position and you're both especially vulnerable, which means she should really not convey to either one of you what the other has said. How can she expect either one of you trust her, then? I would take issue with that if I were you. Easier said than done, as usual, but I'd be tempted to say something to her about that anyway.
from thebeesknees :
You're more than welcome to come to this party, although I can personally make no guarantees. This dude started law school, and I haven't been to his parties since then, so there's a small chance the hipsters may have been replaced by obnoxious law students...but not entirely, right? Nobody gives up all their friends for LAWYERS. Anyway, let me know. If it sucks we can flee.
from thebeesknees :
I admire your boldness. I would've just been letting it fester for weeks, stressing myself out. God, your hair club for co-workers thing made me laugh so hard...also, the 'living the dream.' Love it!
from fridayfilms :
That's good news, vla. And whether you want it or not, you have the upper hand, which makes it infinitely easier to move on.
from limes-sugar :
Hey. i just made us friendster friends!
from fridayfilms :
Copy that.
from justvivo :
I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to this entry re: why on earth you put up with certain things, and found much of my dyfunctional relationship with my mom, in my ex. Believe it or not, I've actually started to forge a relationship with her for the first time - took nearly 34 years to get there, but I guess I had to work through some things first. Anyhow... if you ever want to talk more, feel free to let me know, anytime. So much of what you experienced with Ke (re: being bullied, not wanting to speak up, etc.) reflects my previous relationship. To include the results of putting yourself through that. xoxoxo
from fridayfilms :
Trying on new clothes is fun but utterly depressing when you can't afford to buy them. *sigh x 3*
from thebeesknees :
I think you can totally love someone, but also not like them or their behavior one bit. Unfortunately, it happens all the time. Anyway, just saying that I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. If your stalker keeps calling, tell him to meet you at the 7-11 at 7:06 a.m.
from fridayfilms :
Actually, that splat thing always confounded me. What's wrong with plain old Ctrl? The only people who know how to use a Mac properly are Mac owners. I'm a PC gal myself.
from mozangeles :
Vla, just ask her! If you are anything like me, this is going to eat you alive. Just ask her and be down with it. I am sure you *think* you do not want to know, but you really do. I say just get it over with and then allow yourself to move on and deal with it. xoxo - me
from justvivo :
I was going to rant and rave but.... she (see below) already did it for me! xo
from limes-sugar :
Dude. Vla. Get hold of yourself. You are crazy thinking. You know what? you could be right. You could be WRONG. And there is NOTHING you can do about it. You gotta let go of that line of thinking, it's pointless. Not that I don't do it re: sam, but when I do....i need you to tell me to shake it off!!!!! If he did cheat on you? then is the largest, moochiest piece of shit ever. And, fuck her, she's more his friend than yours, if I were you I'd write them both off. I mean, all she's EVER gonna do is remind you of him and make you want to know what he's doing. fuck that shit. fuck ke. he makes me maaaad.
from fridayfilms :
I'm sorry vla, that's truly shitty. That girl is a wank, if you ask me. Regardless of whether anything happened with kevin or not, she should really just leave you alone now. She probably emailed you to test the waters and determine if you suspected anything. Let them behave like the trash they've become and cut them both off. That makes me SO angry, and I don't even know you guys.
from limes-sugar :
Hey. Yo. How are you? Man, it's just like...starting over, you know? have you hung out with B yet? Have you heard a peep from Ke? Cat has not heard any peeps from homobuttface. I am nervous about you hanging out with B. Can't hurt...but....god, I don't know. Just makes me neeeeeerve. Um, yeah...I was SO looking fwd to that intervention. BUT...the one thing people never address about bulimia/anorexia is the total and complete mindfuck. To me it's more important than the physical risks/ problems. When I was bulimic, i couldn't give 2 shits about the physical problems associated with it...but had someone told me about the all-consuming compulsive thoughts/mindset/ actions...I may have thought twice. May have...ha
from bettyford :
hey. yeah, unplanned binge. not totally sure what happened. i've been tempted lately and I guess i just gave in? i think it's ok. i've pretty much finished it all off. i look like hell though. puffy faced and dark circles. remind you of anything? i know this isn't some full fledged relapse or anything. at least, i hope the fuck it ain't. i'm proud of you.
from bettyford :
like you (there is so much *like you*), I've never been single. you seem to be enjoying it. good. i was wondering how the eating was going. and i just wanted to let you know that i click on you first. no matter who else is red. xoxoxoxoxox. we can be apple sisters! congrats on the ibook. i fucking love my powerbook. so so much. even though there are vast amounts i need to learn. xoxoxoxox
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry about that awful nightmare you had. I know how real a nightmare can feel, It's strange but I had one VERY similar a night ago. It involved a homeless man though, but it was nearly identical in many respects. You're going through a difficult transition in your life and maybe that nightmare was from Ke demanding money, the difficulties and frustrations involved with your E-mail conversations lately and the feelings you've been experiencing regarding the break up. It's hard and it'll take some time before everything begins to feel normal again. I'm thinking about you and hoping that everything falls back into track for you. I'm really wishing you the best. Take care and I hope you have a relaxing weekend.
from o-r-they :
hey vla, happy new year to you too. you know, i finally watched project runway over the holidays(blessed w/cable while housesitting) and damn, that shit was good. i only saw up to ep. 3(or 4?) the lingerie one, i believe. good stuff. just thought i'd mention, figured you'd appreciate.
from justvivo :
He's not going to the opening? GOOD. F-him. You go and have the best freakin time ever. You know, I understand all too well about the "good riddance" tax. Just let it end here. I kept falling for the thought that if I just give this then it will end, if i just concede this... ugh. Thousands of $ later, and him still being a dick, I think I paid my good riddance tax a hundred times over. Worth it? Yeah, he mostly leaves me alone. They suck, don't they? DONT LET HIM SUCK YOU BACK IN TO THE AGGRESSION! God, I understand all too well, the fear.
from limes-sugar :
Again, I am just fucking over these goddamn dudes. Fuuuck this shit. Oh. my . god. I am so mad right now.
from limes-sugar :
No no no. That just made me inhale loudly at my desk. You should email him "I wanted to avoid an awkward situation since we JUST broke up. I did not realize you were so fucking over it. My bad. Fine then, hope to see you there. In regards to the monies owed, this is per our conversation. I understand your money may be tight, however, i do not feel that this should mean I have to pay for your part of the bills. We should pay what we owe, and you owe me $158. [if you have email evidence, i would being that sentence with, Per our emails... and, if he is going to be that much of a dick, I'd consider dropping a small claims court threat, esp. if you can afford the $40 to file a claim. If he wants to play hard, I think you should play harder, get the goal. Fuck him man. Fuck that sh it. [[sorry, if i am speaking out of class. i got really mad at him and i know it's none of my beeswax]] XOXO
from justvivo :
Yuck. That's all I have to say, just yuck. What an ass. Very reminiscent of my Ex. Sorry you have to deal with this bullshit. Hopefully it will diffuse eventually...there is so much better out there for you.
from fridayfilms :
Sorry, vla. That's truly shitty. You can tell him that "enough is when I'm paid back everything you owe me, parasite."
from thebeesknees :
What an effing prick. Seriously. I'm sure just letting the money go is the less stressful way for you to deal with it if you can, but if you do end up deciding you need it, you might remind that immature jerk that he's not "giving" you any money, but rather satisfying his obligations to various entities whose services he has used. Ugh. Hate him.
from dieselengine :
I would just say, "I was planning on going and I was hoping you wouldn't because running into each other would still be awkward" or something like that. That way you aren't TELLING him not to come, you are just suggesting he doesn't show up because you fully intend on being there. Good luck. Be strong!
from fridayfilms :
And about that $158 - if he approaches you at the art show for any reason, you can simply ask him about it in person. And then walk calmly away, because you're a better person. See? Much more effective.
from fridayfilms :
If I were you, I wouldn't even send an email. If anyone should feel weird or bad or insecure about running into an ex, it should be him. He left you in bad faith and he's going to have to wear that for a lot longer than it will take for you to get over him. Go, try and have fun, and know that this is the first step towards complete liberation from the guy. It will probably suck, but you can't reasonably expect him to keep avoiding the places you go, just as you can't feasibly hide out forever. If he's uncomfortable with seeing you around (and trust me, he'll be far more uncomfortable than you think), he'll learn to naturally avoid those places on his own. Whatever you decide to do, though, do it with as much dignity as you've shown yourself capable of so far (I'd still be begging for mercy at this point, myself). It's the best way to stick it to him, now and in the long run. You're a gutsy girl, vla, and I know you'll come through this. That's my two cents, and easier said than done, I know. But it's what I'd need to hear.
from justvivo :
I.Feel.Your.Pain. Seriously. I wish my ex would just fucking go away as well. And my bf's ex, for that matter. I think it's a good idea, sending him the email. At least you can get a gauge of his response. Hopefully he won't show up. Yeah, it sucks that you have to avoid people and places, but what I am realizing is that sometimes it happens. If you read my latest entry (or one of the novel) I'm still dodging him, dodging bullets. For many of the same reasons. Ugh. Just remember. It will get better. It's a new year, and you have so many things ahead of you. BETTER things. xoxo
from sheisdancing :
thank you so much for the note. how are you doing, hon? are you hanging in there? i'm thinking about you.
from thebeesknees :
I made plans a couple of days ago to hang out with a friend of mine this evening, and I (days ago)promised him it would just be us because we never hang out anymore, otherwise I would totally invite you along. I'll email you tonight or tomorrow and we can figure another time out, because I really do want to hang out. Pinky swear. Hang in there, lovely girl.
from mozangeles :
Vla, I know that it seems like I am an eternity away since I am in California, but if there is anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that I can do for you, let me know. I am just a phone call away, an e-mail away, or shit, even a plane ticket away if I had the money! :) Anyway, I am with you and thinking of you. xoxo - me
from thebeesknees :
Yes, let's definitely get drinks next week. You can come over and we can be loud and make out on my couch to make my ex uncomfortable, and then you can leave your panties here. Oh ho ho...I kid! But, yes, let me know what works for you when things settle back down...xo.
from mozangeles :
I know this must be so difficult for you, but it gives me inspiration because I always imagine that I would fall apart if Paulo and I broke up after being together almost 3 years and living together. But, you are so strong, or at least putting up a facade that you are...and you are giving me a lot of inspiration. I heart you and am here for ya. xoxo - me
from justvivo :
I was just thinking about you... you're allowed to have one of those days, you know. And of course you are mourning. But you know the good part? The days are in double digits, and you are finding some peace in your own space and loose ends being tied up. Hang in there, sweet girl. And have a BLAST tonight!
from lisasays :
hey! did you get my email? i lost your diary p'word and i'm dying to get myself back up to date...rebzen@yahoo.com
from justvivo :
You know, as strange as it sounds, I was thinking about you on my vacation. Wondering how it went. Hoping you were doing well.. or at least as good as can be expected, and for some reason, maybe because I can relate in so many ways, I felt the same way smallhanded did - I'm kind of excited for you too. This is the start of the next part of your life. And I know it's hard to shed the inner feelings of age, and all that blahblahblah, but you have so much ahead of you, and now you don't have to spend time expending so much energy on the relationship that just wasn't working. You'll get to where you need to be. I see it in your words. And even though the buying all new house stuff is a royal pain, it's fun in a way too! Anyhow, I'm thinking of you a ton. Just wanted you to know... xoxoxo
from clarity25 :
It's going to be hard for a while, It's difficult to adjust after a break up. You go over every encounter leading up to it in your mind and analyze what went wrong. After my past break ups, there were days where I missed him so much it hurt, I wanted to just have him there again despite everything. Other days I simply despised him. But the end result will be that you'll be a stronger person, independent and free. You'll get through this and emerge on the other end with a new strength within. Also you mentioned that you've grown closer to your sister as a result, so that's a positive thing. I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best. Thank you so much for your last note, by the way. That meant a lot. Take care, Vla. -love, Clarity
from smallhanded :
I just wanted you to know that I am here and reading and thinking of you. But most of all -- and maybe you aren't ready to hear this but maybe you are -- I am kind of excited for you. Because I know that there is a much better relationship out there for you and now you are going to be free to find it and it will really make everything else in your life make so much more sense. I am sorry that you have to go through all of this hell to get to the other side but, trust me, great things await you. And I really really do hope you come to NY. Merry Christmas. And that thing with the Civil War letters is totally totally fucked. xoxo
from mozangeles :
BITCH (ke, not you!) GIVE BACK THOSE CIVIL WAR LETTERS DIRECTLY! DIRECTLY, I SAY! OOOH, that pisses me off royally! xoxo - me
from hungry-hippo :
Hiya! Um... what email for the mySpace? OK, anyway, Igot your email but can't reply because I don't know the SMTP server here and Outlook is unhappy. I'll email when I figure it out. Anyway, I hope you had a lovley Christmas. I'm going to update soon so you'll know how mine was. Big hug :)
from jasminum :
I just added you! I'm the one who's name starts with a letter at the end of the alphabet. Cryptic, eh? Cheers! Yasi. Oops.
from mozangeles :
I added you as a friend on MySpace, so you had best approve me. :) I am "The Queen is Jessica." I love you, Vla. I know this is hard, but we will get through it together, ok? xoxo - me
from bettyford :
hey, I'm on myspace. I'll go and look you up by your email . . .
from fridayfilms :
Vla, this may sound heartless, but anything he's expressed an interest in taking that you want to hold onto, I would take with you to your parents' place. Seriously. My sister had a few bad breakups where she was practically pillaged. I don't know how your ex operates, but you can never be too careful in my opinion. Take care this weekend.
from justvivo :
I have been there. And each time I read these emails, my heart goes out to you, because I have been there. Yeah, there is light. But even if it is better than you could imagine it t be at times, there is still crap in the meanwhile. Hang in there my friend... and keep writing. xoxo
from jasminum :
Reading the emails is making me queasy. It's so real, and I totally admire you for sticking to your balls and not giving an inch when it comes to the important stuff (money, belongings).
from mozangeles :
Damn right he better find that money somehow to pay you for the healthcare. You are not domestic partners anymore, and you are certainly not married, nor his mother. I'm sorry you are going through this, Vla. I heart you. xoxo - me
from justvivo :
Ugh. I'm sorry. I know you must be furious crushed sad hopeful all at the same time, but I can't express how impressed I am at the way you have handled everything. You rock. This is your freedom, and there is something so much better around the corner.... xoxoxo
from clarity25 :
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. But I admire your strength, you're handling this with a lot of class. Stay strong, It's going to get better and life will fall back into place. This is the worst part. I wish I had better words. Just know I'm here, reading and caring deeply.
from fridayfilms :
Stay strong, lady. xox
from sanetwin :
You are handling all of this so well. I'm proud of you. Very very very very very proud of you.
from mozangeles :
What is the boob test? You put the pencil underneath them and see if they hold the pencil there? If that's the case, I have been able to do that for years. DDs, missy, and I hate every bit of them! I love you, Vla. You make me laugh even when you are going through this rough time. I want to emulate you when I go through a break-up next time (if I do - knocn on wood!). xoxo - me
from serapay :
you know what? actually, i'm relieved for you. bad relationships are addictive. your task now is to take care of yourself and get past the withdrawl symptoms. reward yourself, pamper yourself, realize what you've learned from this relationship and love your boobs. the more boobs you have, the more they're going to sag anyway, and then you can stick a whole box of pencils under there.
from serapay :
forgive me for being trite, but there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel you're in. remember that the relationship was what it was, and is what it is, and not what you wished it was. dig deep and find that part of you that truly believes that this will be for the best. i'm right there with you, honey, and trust me i find myself believing in that part inside me more and more each day.
from bettyford :
damn. like everyone, i'm so fucking sorry. maybe it needed to happen so that things can change for you, you know? like a break in the cycle. keep writing.
from smallhanded :
This is probably really silly and lame but let me know if you want to talk. I'm totally around...don't start working until next Monday really and am happy to listen or lend support if possible. I know that probably makes no sense since we don't really know each other. Most of all I just wanted to say again that I am thinking of you.
from justvivo :
Oh sweet girl, I'm so sorry. I know how miserable you must feel. But as someone said earlier, you WILL get through this. There have been things you have been unhappy with for a while too, and although they seem to be minimized when your heart is broken, there is a light. Somewhere. Even though you may not see it now. Lean on the people you have been leaning on who love you. Keep yourself busy and remember how strong you are. Get a pupple to keep you company (they are wonderful!) and remember that you have so many people here for you. I'm really sorry you're so sad... And then... come to Phoenix and I'll have a hundred drinks with you! xoxox
from mozangeles :
Oh Vla, goddamnit, I am so sad to hear about this. What surprises me the most is that even through all of this, you are being so strong. I really admire you for that. I would be in pieces right now is that was. And even if you are falling apart on the inside, you are doing healthy things to keep yourself busy. Goddamn, what the hell, seriously, this shit really surprises me. Even after all the drama I have read about in your relationship, this took me by surprise. I thought your relationship was like mine...drama, drama, drama, but you still find a way to keep maing it work. This makes me think about how I may get dumped some day by Paulo as well. I really need a wake-up call, because that is totally a possibility. I heart you, and I am here for you if you need anything. xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Whoa, what the hell, I must have missed an entry this weekend. I need to go back and read. WTF. xoxo - me
from fridayfilms :
Vla, I feel so badly for you. I know exactly how you feel, as I've been dumped a number of times throughout my life, and it never gets any easier. I'd like to offer you some type of advice, although most of what I can think of will only help later. I guess what helped me at one time was to devise a schedule, much like you have for today, and mindlessly follow it until the pain lessens. And make sure to surround yourself with others each day. It will get easier and easier, and then you'll be able to process it better. These things tend to be blessings in disguise, whatever the outcome. It's a good way to figure out what you really want, which will be useful if you and ke ever decide to start a relationship on new terms. Stay strong, and keep writing.
from clarity25 :
Hang in there, Vla. You are going to get through this and it will get better. This must be such a hard time for you. Just know you're not alone. You have a large support group of readers here that care and will help you get through the difficult times. I'm thinking about you, if you ever want to chat or exchange e-mails, you can write me at Clarity_new@yahoo.com. If there's ANYTHING I can do to help, please let me know.
from smallhanded :
I just wanted you to know that I really feel for you right now. This must be so incredibly hard I cannot even imagine it. I'm so so so sorry that you are going through this. Please take care and hang in there and know that eventually you will come through all of this and be alright. I know it doesn't help to hear that now when you are hurting so badly but it is true. Take care. And maybe you should consider moving to NYC. It's expensive as hell but a pretty cool place nonetheless. xoxo
from thebeesknees :
holy shit, v, i'm so sorry. not that it would be any better after the holidays, but did he really need to do this right before christmas? there are no adequate words here, but i find "prick" to be pretty universally useful in a pinch.
from jasminum :
*exhale*. OMG val...that last entry, I was holding my breath for the last half. I really don't know what else to say...just that even though we don't know each other very well, I just want to come hug you. I'm in CA...wanna visit smelly Sacramento? Seriously...keep us updated. I hope only the best comes from this pain. I really suck at making people feel better...just wanted you to know that your entry really touched me. cyber hugs will have to do for now.
from clarity25 :
oh my god, I just read your most recent update. I'm so sorry. I wish I had the right words right now, but I don't. It's almost 2 A.M. here in Germany and I can't form coherent sentences. Just know that I'm thinking about you. I'll write more tomorrow.
from fridayfilms :
Good god, vla. I'm so sorry. Are you okay? On second thought, don't answer that. I'll be thinking about you this next while. I know that whatever happens, you'll kick ass and come out of it stronger than ever.
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now with Ke. I really felt for you while I read this, and I could completely understand your sadness, frustration and unhappiness. I've been there. Eric and I have had moments like this too, especially in the very beginning of our relationship. Also, he talked about our problems with mutual friends and it just got so complex. I resented that too, it just felt weird. Everything was a mess. The only advice I can give is from my own personal experience. I don't know whether this will work for your specific relationship because every single one is different. But for me and Eric, It helped to take a break. We just separated for a while. At the time I was living in dorm housing, so all I had to do was avoid him. Close the front door when he came around and told him I needed a break. The time apart made us realize how much we truly loved and needed eachother. It also gave us some needed space to work out some of our personal issues on our own, instead of projecting them on each other. It worked really well, and our relationship was stronger. I know that's harder to do when you are living together however. I just hope it all works out. Maybe it is because of the stress of the holidays and other issues combined? At any rate, I also know what you mean about friends. I need more female friends too. They're all connected to Eric or in America. So when we have a fight... I have nowhere to go! It's awful. One night I went to sit in the park and spent the night in the OFFICE alone because I didn't know what else to do. I hope this passes quickly and everything is resolved. And I'm sorry for writing a novel in your notes section here.
from mozangeles :
God, everything is just shitty right now. The fact that you are still up and going everyday, though, is something to be proud of, especially when you are feeling this depressed. I hope that this too shall pass for you. xoxo - me
from dieselengine :
I updated!!! And I hate the snow too. We got four inches. BAH!
from clarity25 :
Thanks for your last note. You're probably right concerning the Bastian situation. As for the dentist. Good luck, I'm sure it'll be fine. I think my experience was unpleasant because I was ALREADY in pain when I went there. Plus I think the anesthesia was either extremely weak or misplaced. So a drilling on a tooth that was hurting when I simply CHEWED..that leads to horror. To be honest, I suspected I had a cavity for 2 years, but it didn't hurt. It wasn't until it started hurting that I thought. "okay, this IS a cavity". So I think you'll be fine. I've never heard of "project runaway", I'll be in America soon though :)
from thebeesknees :
I totally missed PR last night, because I absentmindedly made plans to go out drinking at the Foot with a friend of mine. I figured it would be kind of lame to cancel on the basis of a show that will be repeated 100 times in the next week, but I did feel kind of sad about it. I did catch the finale of Top Model, though, so all was not lost!
from clarity25 :
Ke's reaction to things remind me of Eric in many ways. Like his comment that had you laughing, that's the kind of thing Eric would say. He always makes this comments when I'm in the middle of misery or confusion that have me cracking up. Somehow it puts things in the right perspective. I think you've come a long way concerning b/p. Truly. We all have our moments of struggles and weakness, But I know you're going to overcome it completely. I realize I don't know you in every day life. These are just my thoughts based on what I've read, so I thought I'd share them. :)Take care
from limes-sugar :
what you had, dear vla, is a very normal and understandable breakdown in girl-world, and an incomprehendable breakdown in boy-world. Not only did I totally completely know EXACTLY where you were coming from and how that felt, I've also been there when Sam was like 'i don't fucking understand, we are just going _____. no one gives a fuck what you look like or what you have on.' I am like 'well! I DO, okay??? I DO.' sobbbb soobbbbb
from ecstasia :
hehe, I was writing while I was getting a pedicure and reading diaries white I was getting my nails done.
from clarity25 :
Congrats on your new IPOD, I remember the excitement I felt when Eric bought me one for christmas...and than it was stolen. *grumble grumble*. But yours is even COOLER! That was very awesome of Ke! On another note. I understand your stress over the contents in your closet AND the breakdown. Believe or not, there were a few times I didn't go out because I didn't have anything to wear. I laid in bed and cried because nothing fit me right. Eric couldn't understand it and kept just saying "Look just wear...uh...(grabs something)... this black shirt or something". -- "No I can't wear THAT!" -- "Why not?!". At any rate, you're not crazy and you're not alone. Or maybe we're both crazy. :) But I related to what you wrote.
from ladiebug :
happy belated birthday!!! ke's gift is so freaking awesome!!! anyway, i wanted to tell you your beautiful and inspirational, always giving me insight and comfort into things i don't see about myself and life in general, and i feel fortunate to have 'met' you. much, much love.
from dieselengine :
It sounds like you had an awesome birthday! I guess when 29 rolls around my way, I will have something to look forward to too.
from dieselengine :
Happy Happy Happy Birthday!
from thebeesknees :
happy birthday, you sexy bitch.
from mozangeles :
Happy Birthday, Vla! I heart you, and I hope that you have the most wonderful of birthdays! Tanti Auguri a te! (That's Happy Birthday to you in Italian.) xoxo - me
from limes-sugar :
OH, HAPPY BDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, no you did NOT pull out a 'fifth wheel' reference!!!! HIGHLARIOUS!!!!!!!
from fridayfilms :
Believe it or not, but my sister used to be a reclusive lesbian who lived with her partner in a house that was RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO OUR PARENTS. Then one day, poof. She married the father of child #2 and moved to BC. Our lives are not parallel, vla, but sometimes they resonate in the most disturbing of ways.
from sanetwin :
happy birthday@
from jasminum :
HOPPY BIRFDAY! Champagne for you! And some for me in cyber-celebration. Cheers!
from justvivo :
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope it's really, really wonderful. With regards to your sister? Ugh. I don't know. I can see why you are so put off by the whole situation. And I know this is your family, but I still think the whole weaning party idea is RIDIC! xo
from clarity25 :
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope tomorrow is wonderful for you! As for your feelings concerning your sister's behavior, I think it's natural. I'm sure I would be feeling similar emotions in the situation you described.
from mozangeles :
Wow, happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy dear dear Vla! Happy birthday to you! That is exciting! How old will you be? I laughed out loud (good thing I was not drinking/eating anything) when I read the part about your sister being a lesbian who then married a man and had a child. That is priceless. You could not make that stuff up. xoxo - me
from jasminum :
Um. If vivo gets pics then I must too. Just saying. Yeah.
from dieselengine :
Just a quick note; my lip gloss in that photo? It is from the Dollar Tree, the brand is Rimmel. I wear it all the time, I totally love it. It has an orangey smell to it and little sparkles. It was the best dollar I spent in 2005.
from justvivo :
Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhh I HATEHATEHATEREALLYFRIGGINHATE that "small" feelng. And, I would *love* to see pics of you as I can't even get a mental image! (how weird) I totally relate to the sometimes good sometimes crappy photos. I usually take notoriously crappy photos... hateit. And I think this is the first year EVER that I didn't drink on Thanksgiving. Well, a glass and a half of wine, but usually, it's been THE activity. It was a nice change!
from clarity25 :
I think escaping negative body image issues is one of the most difficult things. I have the same problem. I think I had all these expectations when I was a young teenager. (i.e. "When you're in your twenties you're going to gorgeous, totally curvy and thin! You HAVE to be, you can't be this ackward little girl forever") Unfortunately I'm still that ackward insecure girl, just a bit older and now in the body of an adult. But I liked what you wrote, It's true. We should just be happy with what we have, focus on the good and just enjoy life. Easier said...than done. Of course. But anyhow, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone with that.
from justvivo :
Yup. Relatable. Definately relatable. I'd bet that every single one of us reading could have written this at one time or another...
from mozangeles :
You know what is sad, yet, comforting? I feel like I could have written this entry...welcome to the winter of our discontent. xoxo - me
from limes-sugar :
Oh dear god girl. you need to hole up. you need to take a hiatus. you are hard core on your period. You are dannnnngerous. ha. god i hate that time of the month. i want to just beat bitches ass.
from clarity25 :
Good luck this weekend with Ke's parents. It'll be over before you know it.:) Also, I hear you about having people live in your house. I'm the same way, I just like having my space and I felt really crowded when Eric's friend, K. moved in for a few days when his electricity was shut off. I was so relieved to be able to stroll around in my panties again and have freedom in my own home. I know where you're coming from on that, completely.
from justvivo :
You will be comforted to know that my weekend will hopefully include mischevious, debaucherous things, and NOT my boyfriend's parents. However, they do arrive in town next Tuesday. So..... I get to meet them for the first time. EEK. (btw, 5.5 miles IS A GOOD RUN!)
from ecstasia :
Sorry I said 'fuck' in your notes
from ecstasia :
Fuck, I just wrote you this long note and I must have pressed the 'back' button and now it's gone. gone. Anyway basically I was glad that you too are in the same living situation with ke that I am with PB. That whole living in YOUR (MY) space thingy. I also suggested that if you'd like to chat about it, or anything e-mail me b/c I am so not busy here at work or anything like that. loves
from limes-sugar :
Yo. how often do you usually run per week? how many daily?
from jasminum :
I hate McD's. With a passion. That doesn't stop me from stealing a fry or two from the boy's takeout - which he has like once a week. Bleurgh. I was on a straight 2 year hiatus from all fast food besides In-n-Out and Taco Bell when I had one of those wimpy cheeseburger deals from McD's...I seriously had stomach cramps about 20 mins later. And have you ever LOOKED at that shit....like....poked at the meat patty? It's scary! And it does smell like warm feet with fries.
from limes-sugar :
Um, every blue moon I crave a happy meal. like once a year perhaps. But i know that stinky smell. that oniony burgery grody stank ass smell. Also.... it's just weird to be taken out of your food comfort zone For example, i can only keep certain amts of certain shit at my place. But..i find that when i go to sam's now..b/c he has sossssoooososooso much different kind of food, it throws me off huge. And i find myself wanting to get into all of it even though it's not mine and i'm not hungry. or if we have random food here at the office (cookies/ cake/chips) that I never have, it's like i HAVE to not only eat it, but eat way more than i should. I guess that's the part of the denying yourself and it fucking you up the ass a little. word.
from mozangeles :
Once every blue moon, I will force my boyfriend to go through the drive through at McD's so that I can get something disgusting there. And he always complains about the smell and goes off on tangents about how it smells like his old Swedish cafeterias...and I am rolling my eyes the entire time and thinking, "I am about to eat this." But it is funny, too. He cannot help himself. xoxo - me
from limes-sugar :
Um. that's gay. the whole no borrow camera thing. That's really gay. LIke, I assumed Ke wanted to borrow the camera for a weekend getaway or something...take it out of town, but to then read on that....he just wants to take photos of his painting and AA won't let him? That' s gay.. Again. Yeah, who *could* bear the brunt of being someone's sole shoulder to lean on, when you are quitting something so serious and turning your life around. AA def. needs AA, not Ke. ha.
from thebeesknees :
Thanks for the link. I'm sure s/he won't be banned from writing in all the hipster publications, though. Look out, Flaunt, here s/he comes...
from limes-sugar :
ha. hahahahah. i just had to google it too, as Dick had not attached photo of the 'doodle.' And i hit the same thing you did! Goooo Bocker the working doodle! That dog is kinda cute, but I would be MORTIFIED telling people my dog was a 'labradoodle.' Why not just get a rainbow flag tatoo? Your note was highlarious. HIGHlarious.
from justvivo :
Ah, the running stuff. My constant battle. I've just started doing races and actually "training" properly for one. I'm doing a half-marathon (holy shit) in January, so I've been following a program. Runner's World or Galloway have some really good ones. I'd be glad to share the links. My battle is that until recently, I've never run with anyone (but my dogs) either, and haven't figured out how to pace myself accurately. Also, I am consistently just falling short of the time "goals" that I set, although not by much. I think I actually may have figured it out this morning, that I haven't learned how to run uncomfortably in a race yet, really pushing myself. I always finish and feel that I have some left in the tank, yet I shouldn't. So... I'm not sure if I'm much help, but I'd be MORE than happy to chat with you about it any time! (the bane of my existence!) xo
from limes-sugar :
Hey- what's up with the AA bosom buddy?
from limes-sugar :
the cancer cells.....i am baffled. I do not understand it at alllll. and I don't ...get it. God, I don't know what any of it means. And on lighter subjects...what would happen if *you* said something about the Ryan or the feet banging? Would your sister freak out? I feel like the feet banging would've driven me over the edge.
from mozangeles :
Hi Vla...I work in cancer research, but I am still confused by "escaped cancer cells." What I think they are referring to is the fact that certain chemotherapies and even radiation treatments are targeted towards certain cells, cancer cells, and force them to go into programmed cell death, or apoptosis. What could have happened is that the treatment targeted a couple wrong cells and some cancer cells escaped and spread (metastasized) to another part of the body. Sorry that I cannot be more help on this, but don't fret just yet. I am sure that something can be done depending on how early stage the cancer is. Do you have any idea, btw? I heart you. xoxo - me
from justvivo :
Ugggghhhhhh... where do I start??? First, I know a *little* about the prostate cells. Sometimes it's not all confined to the prostate and cells "escape". It's still treatable, it just needs to be very carefully montiored. However, poor Ke. Sounds like his mom is freaking out, like you said, and trying to control the things that are out of her control. Hopefully she'll even out once they get more information on the cancer cells. Next, your sister? WTF???? Yeah, she needs to chill. Happy Weaning? Um. Yeah. I'm SURE that is as important as a 30th BIRTHDAY??? She needs to get a grip on reality (sorry if this sounds snarky) and realize that the weaning thing is for her, and that Ryan will never remember. How old is Ryan that he knows all about weaning enough to have a conversation? The freedom of expression thing has it's limits. The kid isn't going to be stifled because his DAD stops him from making a racket. And yeah, it will get worse. Hell, come HERE for Thanksgiving rather than sit through that again! xoxo
from ladiebug :
man, the chaotic family life, the domineering mother who passed on body image issues, the double standard of all the goodies being for the men of the house and not the females... just all hits close to home. in a weird sort of way, that was my favorite entry of yours. so relateable, i guess. and the bones... i guess when you're 'in it', you feel more powerful, that you've achieved? when really, it was all from self-sacrificing that empties you mentally and hollows out your insides? i'm babbling... but how you described it... just felt very kindred spirit like.
from limes-sugar :
Oh my god. I am soooo freaking bored today. work to do, oh yes, just don't feel like doing it. at all. I'm refreshing my buddy list at an alarming rate, alllll for naught. Um, I emailed dktch. Um. oops. BUT! BUT! here is what i said "why are you stalking me bitch? what do you want from me!".....and he replied 'nothing'.........eye.r.o.l.l. Another eyeroll is how utterly bored I am. And i have been eating like a fat ass, yet i must be ready to be cute as i have big girls night out party plans tonight. Limo and shit. Out in Hollywood and shit. What am I gonnnnaaa wear? i ain't got no shirts. What are you doing this weekend? no lie, a play by play would be fun right now, even if you just listed in great details the outfits you were planning on wearing. The depth of my personality is absolutely 100% underwhelming. Holla.
from sheisdancing :
thanks for the words. you're right, it's been a long time coming. it's just effed up because we still live together...and he just acts like nothing has changed. it's up to me to take action...and yet i feel i'm the one hurting the most. argh!
from mozangeles :
Oh vla, you are beautiful no matter what you look like. I have FGI syndrome, as well as FGO (outside) syndrome. And you know what? Oh well! :) xoxo - me
from limes-sugar :
Hm. interesting how it goes back to your mom and when you were little. I identified very very much with this second entry. seriously. I remember my mom, though, shoving food at me constantly since I was a pretty skinny kid...then in middle and high school..her always saying i had a 'gut like hers' and that i had her body type and i'd have to watch it...just sucked. BUT...really makes you make real decisions about how you'd raise your own kid..you know. kind of a what NOT to do.
from sanetwin :
I think every girl suffers (somewhat) from FGI syndrome. i know I do!
from justvivo :
You must have been in my head today because I looked in the mirror this morning and couldn't find anything nice. I promise, I'll try harder next time! Isn't it true though? We are our own worst critics when people on the outside honestly think we are crazy. But from our minds, it's not fishing for compliments, its that burning desire to actually believe them, and to accept ourselves. Funny how I am so much more lenient with other people's percieved flaws than my own. Your entry was right on. Thank you! (and you sound so cute today!)
from hungry-hippo :
Ugh. I ALWAYS forget your password!!! I don't know why. Can I have it again? So frustrating as i really want to read you now! Anyway, yeah, I'm trying to update now that this huge project is over with. What a freaking relief.
from limes-sugar :
Hahah. for a minute i was like, 'wait, is this my writing?' oh, no it's val. but hilarious. not only did i totally feel like i could've written that...but i love that you know me/ you/ jas are gonna be all over clothing related entries. But..you should at least go make fun of Yasi for those goddamn crystal snowflakes. I'm never letting her live it down!
from jasminum :
AAHHHHHHH!!!!! I'm so glad you LOVELOVELOVE the jacket. Hmmm, maybe it's the exact same one I returned. Ooohhhhh. *spooky voice*. I want the black one so bad it hurts, BUT NOT UNTIL IT'S ON SALE...yeah, cause I spent about $200 on eBay in the last week. Wait. More. Ouch. Cheers!
from limes-sugar :
I can't WAIT to see kristen/lc/jason/stephen around LA, they alll live here. hahaha. sam saw kristen already at USC and got so so so excited. I've written thrice today....just posted drew emails. check out. and get re-pissed. he's a complete fag. but, my photo is funny. God, I wish you'd come visit out here!
from limes-sugar :
I mean! i just had to spank vivo, now you! what's with the notes usage of his first and last? You crazzzzy? Ha. Um, sadly, i TOTALLY get your Laguna Beach comparison. Funny, yeah, you end up not wanting to act like any of them. and...well, i haven't seen the new ep in it's totality, as obviously it hasn't aired (wait, isn't that tonight? or is real world tonight?)..but from the little previews, it looks like LC handled things well, which means: you kick the loser to the curb. LIke Drew, Jason is just a dog, he can't help it. He's cute. He's just a fucking dog. There's not much you can do about it. Sidenote, jessica: just pathetic. She is the antithesis of LC. I like LC except for when she does that baby talk, then I want to slap her in the face with a penis.
from clarity25 :
Thank you for your last note, you brought up some important points. Sometimes I don't step back and look at my behavior. Such as the recurring themes and how to change them from happening again. Your observation was really honest and made me contemplate my overly trusting nature. That has to change. By the way, I'm addicted to lists too! Whenever I see new ones..I copy and paste them into a word doc to fill out later. Many of them I don't post, but I simply can't resist filling them out because it's too much fun.
from limes-sugar :
I mean...call him out how? I have to stay looking cool regardless of what i sayyy. like how would i say it? also, you didn't update about talking to your sister. wurd.
from limes-sugar :
Also: did you call your sister? I supppppose it may fare you well to call her and get it out of the way before you seeeee her. Why the no-talk? where exactly is the fall out? BTW thanks for updating bitch. I'm now relegated to RE-reading e'one's entries. Sweet.
from limes-sugar :
haha. I didn't LOVE the book. But, I did like the book. I was excited to see the movie. But I've also had a crush on Steve Martin since I was young young young. Man with Two Brains, The Jerk, i was like fantasizing about kissing on him. Steve Martin and George Hamilton. So weird I grew up to be a cougar instead of digging on the old guys. Holla. Or, better yet, UPDATE.
from limes-sugar :
hey. running. i was doing so well. then i tried to run outside to prepare for visiting Alabama and running with cat, and it like popped. the outside right ankle. that outside bone. it's been gimp for a while (helllo bitch, do you read my journal)-- but I kept trying to work out on it. I haven't done shit in like a week and a half. I swore I'd not do anything at all this week, and maybe start back on elliptical next week. But it's killing me. Cause I've been eating shitty and have nothing to combat it. How was your halloween? after lunch i expect an update ho.
from clarity25 :
I know, I'm here in my twenties and I'm still as excited about Halloween as I was as a 3 year old. There must be something wrong with me!:).
from limes-sugar :
You beotch! Me and You....FUCKING AWESOME. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. Fine, i mightbe biased- john's our client. But, I loveddddd it.
from clarity25 :
I have "fat days" and "feeling old days" like the ones you described in your previous entry. When I read that I completely related to the emotions you expressed. THe worst is when I'm on my period and I can't fit into my jeans because I'm bloated. Eric will make a joke about my tummy. That's it. I just curl up into a ball and start to cry. I think we all have days like that. As for that movie you described, well I just added to my list of films NOT to see. Haha. Take care! Have a good weekend.
from dieselengine :
I hear you. I am totally on my period right now, totally bloated and totally feeling like a fatty mcfatterson. I hate this feeling. I weighed myself and I remember how proud I was to see that number on the scale when I was losing weight but now that I am climbing back up to that number it disgusts me. Agh.
from jasminum :
1- Yes, quite true to size. I am always a medium in jackets...I got a medium, and it fit. 2 - I dunno. Mostly wishful thinking. Ha ha ha. Sorry. BUt if you subscribe to their newsletters, they soemtimes send out 10% off stuff, or free shipping, or something.
from mozangeles :
First off, I straight iron my hair every day, and I completely understand your pain. My hair never stays straight for more than an hour. It is enraging. Secondly, I am going through the same panic with the boyfriend. Often, I will catch him nosing around at university webpages - ones that at in the deep south or heart of midwest. Noooooooooooooooooooo! I don't want to go! SCARY! xoxo - me
from jasminum :
The jacket is lovely...just on me it looked a bit blah. My hair is dark brown, and I have pale olive skin...so the whole thing was just a bit too....blah. Yeah. I was right the first time. And it's very fitted, but so supercute. I'm just crossing my fingers waiting for a 20% off coupon or something and I'm so getting it in black.
from limes-sugar :
Uh, like yasi, did you initially come to talk about my makeup purchase and how fabulous it is?
from mozangeles :
me too! now update fo' real! xoxo - me
from jasminum :
Hey. That's not an update. Why the hate?
from justvivo :
But why??? I had a friend of mine come up with a GREAT costume idea if you are interested in something effortless and comfortable that still gives you the ability to look cute!
from limes-sugar :
Hey. How about a big fat update? FOr me?? What's up? I just re-read your long note to me from yesterday- again, you are so right on the money it blows my mind. Such good explainations and advice! I'm telling you, this is gay, but I almost feel a handful of us should have a d'land weekend get together and just get drunk and hang in person. Captive is the queen of the d'land to real life crossovers! Ok, holla! How's ke?
from limes-sugar :
I-SNEAKERS!!! I think that's a great idea!!! Um, did I write sneakers? I could've, as every time I read my entry there are thousands of spelling errors I was too lazy to make right. Anyway, I can't update, server busy, but I posted some pics from the weekend-beware, they are D.R.U.N.K.-- holla, L
from limes-sugar :
You are very smart. Verrry Smar-ut. I agree. Funny to still be writing about Drew. Um....has he called/texted/emld since I spoke with him on Sunday? Nope. Anyway, you were totally right, fyi. We are too much alike and we both are too busy being cool that we'll probably never be able to be open and honest. But my take on him was this: tough on the outside, sweet on the inside. A fucking m&m. (??) And the times he was sweet we were together, he was so sweet, and the sweetness always seemed spontaneous, like he was just doing what he felt in the moment. Spent WAYYY too much time on astrologyzone.com...and in looking at the aquarius male, he is uh...basically the prototype. ((which ain't good.)) WHEW. Too much time wasted. I wish I was strong enough to just BE DONE. AND, when I meet someone else, I will be. There is nothing that's gotten me so quickly OFF boy #1 as boy #2. Until that time, i will probably run the Drew-thing all into the ground. I apologize in advance!! :) Thank you for your tireless advice and cheering for me!! Um, you guys are like better friends than my real-life bitches!! Now, please need some advice from me so I can give back!!! XOXOXOXO L
from clarity25 :
"please hit up my notes or GB. I promise not to ignore you." (that had me laughing!) I wish I had good advice on the halloween costume..but I'm going through the same problem. I'll probably moan about that in tomorrow's entry. We're on the exact same boat and I really can't afford a good costume. I have to be creative and yet I have NO IDEAS! But congrats on running, I wish I could say I did the same. Massive kudos on that, I need to get into shape. At any rate, sorry to hear about the concert you missed. I hate when that happens. I hope you have a good night P.S. thank you so so much for your kind note on that private situation. I really appreciated it.
from jasminum :
Um. Yeah. So I'm on MakeupAlley, too. Have been for years. Email me your screenname! And Laura Mercier rocks. What a fantastic haul. As for costumes - I got shit. I don't even think I'm dressing up this year! Boo.
from dieselengine :
Last year I was Cindy Blackman and Sean was Lenny Kravitz. We both wore tight jeans and vintage tops and wigs (mine an afro and his dreds) and fun sunglasses. I carried around drumsticks and Sean wore a fake nose ring. EVerybody knew who we were and the costumes were comfy and fun!
from clarity25 :
I can't give good make up advice, I use the cheapest kind and only when I go out dancing. I'm clueless in that department.:(. But Good luck with seeing your friend, Sandra again. I'm sure it will be a lot of fun. I can relate to the feelings you expressed..such as being intimidated because she's loaded and you're in a different place. (as you can imagine). Hope you had a good weekend:)
from jasminum :
For eyeliner...I love using MAC's Pigments with an eyeliner brush. Just a little bit does great, and if you wet the brush beforehand, it's super intense and shimmery. I'm addicted to pigments. The fabulous, everlasting, multi-tasking, bottomless pot of goodness! Oh, I'm a dork.
from hungry-hippo :
vla... i have lost your password. I can't read! what is it? Hope you're doing well.
from limes-sugar :
Emailed you!
from justvivo :
Thank you, sweet girl. You are wonderful... thank you so much!
from limes-sugar :
God you are an awesome note leaver. You are right. I must de-drew beforehand. Well...i have a whoooole fucking plane ride in which to do so. Go read my new baby journal entry. Then freak out.
from limes-sugar :
shit. fuck. ok, i HAVE to see it on Tuesday. Damn now I am mad i didnt' see it. is she reallyyyy and alcoholic? LOVE IT! Is there anyone that likes her? at all?
from limes-sugar :
God. lisa's face is just ODE looking. ODE. But i missed the ep, what happened what happened? why was she wasted? who'd she call Cousin It? She makes me feel kinda sad for her, though, i feel like inside she's super sad. (?) Why, when I read your journal, do I feel like we are having a convo instead of me reading your shit? It's so funny. I read it and feel like we basically just finished a phone conversation. Holla. Love LImes
from jasminum :
I don't know. Hanging out with my imaginary perfect boyfriend? Yeah. That's it. So um. Why are we staying with these guys? Huh? Really?
from justvivo :
Sorry... I didn't know he was yours. :)
from fridayfilms :
Where indeed.
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry about that situation with that E-mail and the things they said about your dad. That's frustrating and stupid for them to behave in such a manner over a harmless comment. Hope ke feels better soon, Eric is sick as well. Take care!
from evildilara :
I love the tops, the sweater especially. I am too much of a tightwad to go to Anthropologie though. I bought a Meri Mecko purse from there once and carried it till it damn near fell apart. Oh, and the boots deserved a paragraph. They sound yummy. Both, but the green especially.
from limes-sugar :
God. Where ARE you?????? Jeeeeeeez. Update. Pullleeeze. Man, how's ke? better? I know, I really feel like you all knew more about me/drew than my real-life friends. Like y'all crushed him with me and got dissed with me, just RIGHT THERE with me the whole time. Are you jealous of my appt. with the Psychic on sat? Tomorrow, getting my hair did, Saturday, getting my future did! XO Limes
from thebeesknees :
ooh, you're right! and it would be an excuse for me to buy a long, platinum blonde wig! maybe nobody would get it, but it would be entertaining.
from blazingstar :
check yo' email, girl!
from bettyford :
hey! thanks for adding me. could i get a password so i can read all of your secrets?
from blazingstar :
Hi...I know this is the 3rd time I've pestered you for your password, but since you didn't respond I thought maybe you just forgot. And every time I see that you've updated, I wish I could read! Anyway, let me know either way so I can stop bothering you :)
from mozangeles :
Aw Vla, I know that Ke is probably getting on every last nerve, but try and go easy on him. Quitting smoking is very hard, and most people are not successful the first couple of times. I know you are a very supportive gf, though, so I know you will do your best. :) xoxo - me
from evildilara :
I am glad your mom's cancer isn't cancerous (does that even make sense?)...and what is up with your doctor insisting on telling you your weight? That makes zero sense to me. My doctor would let me get on the scale backwards and everything. They were totally cool. Anyway about ke...hang in there. I don't know what to say but it seems like he is just trading one bad habit for another. Maybe you can try to get him to start a new habit and you can do it together. Like knitting. Well not knitting but you get what I mean...hang in there.
from limes-sugar :
Fuck bitch! i knew all that shit yesterday! from now on out I'll email you!! Wait, do I have your email?? Anyway, big big huge note coming your way per the story you left me. OMG. OMG. but, boss is in, so..will do later! xoxo limes
from clarity25 :
Can I get a cup of coffee after reading the "longest entry ever", please?:) Actually it was really interesting and there are so many things for me to comment on. Yet I'm braindead this morning..so I will just say. I CAN'T BELIEVE KATIE HOLMES IS PREGNANT. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW THESE THINGS? clueless in Germany..always. okay, that's all. I promise I will have more insight to offer in the future. Hope you're having a good day:)
from mozangeles :
no kidding! isn't tom cruise infertile and did not katie holmes claim that she was going to stay a virgin until marriage? for shame! xoxo - me
from limes-sugar :
How did he disappear? and reappear? Guys ALWAYS reappear. somehow. usually only to disappear again. it's terrible. I hate dudes right now.
from jasminum :
I have a recovering alcoholic friend. I met him after he went through the 12 steps and I outright asked him how he felt being around a group that drinks heavily. He doesn't mind. He's happy with his Sprite and has cultivated a lovely trick of waiting until everyone gets a bit tipsy, then pulls out a deck of cards and starts a little gambling. Ha.
from evildilara :
I have a few friends who are recovering alcoholics and I sometimes drink in front of them, it all depends. Like if you are casually having one drink that is fine. However I have found that if you are at an event where EVERYBODY is drinking, it might be nice to not drink just to show them that they can have fun too. For instance, one of my friends took me to his Christmas party a few years ago where everybody was drinking but instead we drank gingerales and had a good time. Hope that makes sense.
from thebeesknees :
I had not noticed the UO going in on Milwaukee. I can't wait for all the crazy suburban teens to come in and pick up their hot junior sized gear and stand around posing in obnoxious packs in their trucker hats and sweatbands! I hope the Hot Topic goes in next!
from limes-sugar :
I must let you know that your note to me today...basically saved me/screwed my head on straight/helped me relax/just all around helped me. So, thank you. We'll see, but your note was...just on point. Also...your entry- what? what? what? It's so funny that he (T) was so obviously!! did you really think NO ONE noticed his flirtation with you??? I love it! was your girlfriend peeved? I am actually waiting on my boss to leave to re-read your entry, as i wanted to be able to concentrate w/o him over my shoulder! XOXOXO LImes
from mozangeles :
What was the best night ever? What happened? 'Splain!!! xoxo - me
from bduprincess :
HI! I am constantly in some sort of dilemma and I always need to be cheered up. Care to help??
from clarity25 :
Hey, thanks for your shout out in your diary:), I'm still debating whether or not to just close my public diary and simply write in my private one. I'm getting tired of my troll..as you can imagine from her most recent comment. (sigh) We'll see. I hope things this weekend look up for you, I'm sorry that you're overwhelmed right now with Ke. Maybe you should say these things to him, and let him know exactly how you feel. It may hurt at first, but it will force him to change his behavior when he understands fully how it affects you. Have a good weekend,
from limes-sugar :
Um, question one: how aren't we friends in real life? we should be. seriously. Secondly...see, when i re-read it, i didn't think it was as bad....but...i think catherine's coming from a place of how she FELT when speaking to him... gah..i don't know. Still depressing. He hasn't called in 2 days..of course...he DID call me the night of the fball game/dinner where this girl met him out...i don't know. is there ANY cool way to bring it up to him w/o caring? sidenote: yes!!! i too, have to avoid certain places AT ALL COSTS or...i will shop regardlesss of my checking acct. balance. WTF is that all about? i need to be loaded. LE SIGH, in your words. Love Limes
from meine-kleine :
waaah, pass!
from justvivo :
Of course I read here, silly girl! I have just been not so good about commenting lately... and, you must have been looking at someone else's diary, because I still owe you an update! Will get right on it... :P Also? The inconsequential stuff like gym vs. pedicure? We're all there...
from limes-sugar :
Heeee..... what up! checking in. i feel full. and fat. and only partially on my period. blech. God, have i told you i hate work? thanks.
from blueeyesblue :
shit? When did you lock up? Or when did my computer stop automatically putting in my PW? Let me in!! pleeeeze!
from evildilara :
I hear you on the nobody updating thing...I know I update a little less than I used to but still...it sucks to get on dland and see NOBODY out of my jillion favorites updating. Bleh.
from krichelle :
locked?!?! meesa sad
from polly-esther :
hey vla, i see you locked up and i really miss your entries. do you think i could get your pw? THANKS and i hope all is well.
from mozangeles :
It sounds like an upper respiratory tract infection. It is pretty common in cats, but you should take her to the vet. xoxo - me
from limes-sugar :
Yes. Yes. Yes. To much of what you said in your entry. First off, I knooow. Last night: totally addicted to bonaduci and intervention. unbelievable. I admire Danny's honestly and all this being taped and shit but holy god. Him NOT wanting anger management is retarded. Also, yes, I KNOW when e'thing just feels 'off and wrong'...... I've actually had that for a couple of weeks myself...is mercury in retrograde? I don't think so..but...I hate it! It's so weird..I went thru august feeling very....empowered? And so far my sept has felt all around weird, shitty and off kilter. WTF! WTF!
from ladiebug :
i'm obsessed with intervention, too... i just think it's weird how they make them say their name and spell it out. it's weird, how so much of what you write, i feel at that same moment in time. kinda like cycles, and you're riding them the same time i am. i hope yours turns for the better soon... take care... please. love
from fridayfilms :
I'm very sorry about how things have been going for you these days. Hang in there, vla. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, as the saying goes. It's not very helpful to know right now, but it's true.
from evildilara :
I am sorry to hear about your hair, the cat being sick, your mom...everything. BUT I can offer advice on the cat (of course). She might have a little cold. One time for a week or so, marlowe sneezed like every minute. He had a sinus infection and needed some medicine and was fine within a few days.
from thebeesknees :
i'm sorry you're having a rough go of things, but we both know you're strong enough to get through it. if you ever need someone to actually talk to, although i'm something of a stranger, i'd be happy to give you my number and have a listen. xo.
from inebriated :
i'm so glad you wrote. i understand where you are at. completely. just know, it will pass. and whatever you do, don't beat yourself up for being exactly where you are. be gentle. keep being truthful. inch by inch, make decisions to forgive yourself and be good to yourself. the most pivital time is in the darkest. :*) glad you wrote in one chunk. it's an artistic representation of how you were feeling. i enjoyed it.
from jasminum :
I need an email address to send you the password! And no, I don't have yours.
from clarity25 :
I'm feeling tired, bitchy and worn on the edges too. I relate completely. As for turning 29, I can understand. After 25, all I've been hearing is "Hey you're going to be 30 soon! You're almost thirty!". Every birthday after that age is just hellish. But you're still young. I think when we finally do turn 30, it's actually not going to be as bad as ANTICIPATING and DREADING it for so many years. I think we'll be surprisingly okay with it. When the time comes.:)
from evildilara :
I am turning 28 on Thursday and I feel...ok about it. I mean I honestly could care less. But then I thought it is one step closer to 30. Like you, I was really happy when I was 24-ish but you know what? You can't stop time. And the good news is you can be fabulous at any age, which is what I plan on doing!
from krisbell :
Just thought I'd say that I miss reading your diary. I've been reading FOREVER and I keep checking back, hoping you're open. Hope all is well Kristen all-true-stories.blogspot.com
from clarity25 :
Thanks for your last note..I noticed you locked up and you're still locked. I was wondering if you would share the password with me. My E-mail is Clarity25_1978@yahoo.com. If not, that's okay. Take care!
from thebeesknees :
Oh, yes, I have. It was a little over two years ago, though, during my summer of drunken whoredom...although the whole interaction was entirely prudish, socially awkward, and in hindsight completely retarded.
from mozangeles :
I feel like such an asshole. The other night when I was buying litter and supplies at Petsmart, the thingy where you swipe your debit card (what the hell is that thing called?) asked me if I wanted to donate money to homeless animals, and I inadvertently hit NO, not realizing that they were asking for money for Hurricane Katrina animals! I felt so horrible!!!!!!!!! :( xoxo - me
from justvivo :
hey - where'd ya go? I'd love to still read if you are giving the PW. Thanks! xo
from thebeesknees :
I know this doesn't seem to demonstrate a keen interest in what you are up to, although I definitely do have one, but I think I accidentally deleted your email that had your pw in it and now I can only remember one component...and it's making me crazy! You were gone so long, and and and...can I have it again? I will love and nurture it this time. (pursedangler@yahoo.com) xoxo
from mozangeles :
God, I cannot remember the names, but I do remember that PEOPLE magazine did an article about bloggers who were fired from their jobs for blogging, and a couple of them had gotten book deals out of it. It was about a month ago. Check out PEOPLE.com. I am so glad you are back and had a wonderful vacation! xoxo - me
from sanetwin :
you're locked :( Can I still read?
from serapay :
wheww! that was quite an update. haha
from mozangeles :
Vla, I am getting worried about you. I hope everything is alright. Please let me know. Take care. xoxo - me
from elabee :
Hope everything is ok - send me the password if you're giving it! lbagd@yahoo.com
from mylostdream :
When did you lock? :( can i have the pw?
from laura-diane :
rejected! what's the password?
from krisbell :
Hey- Hope everything's ok. I've been reading forever- hope I can continue! Kristen krisbell@gmail.com (all-true-stories.blogspot.com)
from meltingblu :
mayher.2@osu.edu....(might be helpful :)
from meltingblu :
so i get all excited when i see vla in red today....and then boom all my hopes are dashed. not that you should be concerned with my hopes, or the dash of them, but i like reading about yours...so if you are indulging requests, i would veddy much like the p-word. litenlove
from luxelady :
hey chica - password if you get a sec...xx luxe
from smallhanded :
Hi. Thanks for your note. I hope that everything is okay with you and, if you are up for it, would love the password. Take care and much love. xoxo (carrieclu@yahoo.com)
from blazingstar :
locked? oh no...hope i can get the password... (noworries121@yahoo.com) i really hope you're okay.
from lisasays :
cherryicecreamsmile@gmail.com sorry you couldn't get me before!
from serapay :
:( passworddddddddddd
from lisasays :
hey! I hope everything is ok...are you giving people passwords? if so, i want in! best wishes and i hope you're doing ok! xoxo
from hungry-hippo :
Hey V... I see you've locked and not updated lately. That is very worrisome. Are you OK? Did something happen? Can I have the password? Hope you are OK. Miss you. :)
from evildilara :
Ack, can I have the password?
from limes-sugar :
fuuuuck. you know, reading this brought back SO SO SO many feelings for me. How long did I feel all of these things from my mother? That child-like anxiety, god! Well, moving far away helped me, as did cutting her out of my life. Not that I'd advise that, of course. So weird that we can still feel those feelings although (1) we are adults, and (2) WE are in control of our emotions and how we feel (in theory!-ha)
from fridayfilms :
Hey Ms. Vla. I hope I'm not included in your lock-out! If you're so inclined, you could send me a password at jupiteratik@hotmail.com. I totally understand if you want privacy, though. No pressure.
from thebeesknees :
Password? First elabee, now you! Why, mommy, why??????????????????????????????????? If there is ever an inclination to share again, shoot that pw to pursedangler@yahoo.com. Hope all is well. I miss the hot vla action. xoxo.
from limes-sugar :
beeeeyatch-face, WTF?? Why you locked up? Send that shit over to limes_sugar@yahoo.com. GOtta read up on you. Miss and love. Limes
from mozangeles :
Ack! You locked up! Can I have the log-in info, pretty please? Also, is everything alright? I noticed you have not updated in two weeks! SoulFrstrn@aol.com. Thanks! xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
You haven't updated in a while, I hope you're doing okay:). Just a little note saying "hello!, thinking of you." Take care!
from thebeesknees :
yeah, i used to belong to mid-town but that place was sucking me dry! totally miss it, though.
from engraving :
I think I'm the only person in the world who loved The Village for some reason! Anyway, I enjoy reading your diary. Good stuff. :)
from mozangeles :
HA! My boyfriend actually brought up the idea of opening a joint account for us to buy groceries, etc (which was initally my idea, and I dropped it), and all I could do was laugh! As if that would actually work, when he is secretly paying for gym memberships, ordering things off Ebay, etc. No way! xoxo - me
from luxelady :
the only reason i would ever go to my 10 year reunion is to point at all the assholes and laugh...i'm still in touch with the friends i have and don't particularly want to see anyone else - but my friends and i thought it would be funny to see the BMOCs who now work at burger king...vicious, but funny. xx luxe
from enondoiel :
Thanks! :)
from blazingstar :
Yay for dinner being great! That's awesome. Give us details!
from vision-ey :
(formerly, tedslilangel haha). I can't wait to hear about your dinner--that's what I live for, cooking for people. In fact, starting to cook when I lived with my ex was what helped me get over starving myself and is what helped me gain 14 pounds back. There is something about knowing what I'm putting into the food, making it healthy and delicious. As long as I focus on the fact that I'm being healthy and all, I do very well. Now, I cook dinners all of the time...elaborate ones...and I have no troubles, and I even feel comfortable eating in front of people. I wish you the best and continued kitchen success! ;-)
from clarity25 :
Thank you for your encouraging note, you're right. I'll just take it day by day..Good luck with your cooking tonight:). I'm sure it will be great!
from ladiebug :
i'm glad to hear things are well on the home front! you aren't dragging us into it... well, i guess i'll speak for myself. i love it when you're happy and bummed when you're hurting. guess that's what friendship is about, as much as this medium fosters one, at least. :) much love, l.bug
from luxelady :
thanks for the sweet note - i'm soooo psyched!!! xx luxe
from blazingstar :
Awww...yay! Glad things are better and that you're having fun. And...wait...THIRTEEN PUPPIES?
from fridayfilms :
She's originally from where I live, btw.
from fridayfilms :
You should try and get your hands on a copy of Leslie Feist's first album, Monarch. I don't know why it's so damn unavailable most places. It's divine.
from fridayfilms :
He's a member of the Royal Art Lodge. P and I discovered them three years ago. If we'd been at all savvy, we would have discovered them more like five years ago and bought a piece for $100. Now, all their work is ridiculously expensive. But they are amoung some of my favourite artists.
from ladiebug :
woo hoo, a beer for making it through - one newcastle, please. ;) on the serious tip, though, i know i've been rather silent since the parents' weekend, but i've been reading and kinda reserving my thoughts because... well, i guess it's kind of conflicting. from the outside looking in, i don't doubt there's love and adoration there, but on the other, sometimes it seems like a mismatch? especially when it comes to a mismatch of personalities (ie, he's too sensitive, he thinks you're cold (which i would never really understand with my experiences with you, though obviously it's different... but still... i just can't see it)). however, i do see both try to make effots into making things work, and so i do find a part of me rooting for it to pull through. i think gathering your thoughts via writing is a great idea - comes truly from the raw mind, without interruptions or restating it in response to his reactions, and i think that what you've written has been very well expressed and candid. i wish i had more advice (or rather, any advice), but i suppose all i can do is see things unfold. i hope your talks go well, and i honestly hope it does work out. love, anna
from blazingstar :
Hey, I've been reading for a while and just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your openness on here. I just went through a big talk about communication with my boyfriend, so I know (more or less) what you're dealing with. I think the letter is a great idea. I hope everything works out.
from thebeesknees :
a lease and some serious financial considerations. if we never moved in together, we would've been done months ago. good times.
from missy-17 :
hey hows ya doin!!!???? ;D
from limes-sugar :
Wow. So here’s another question: is that why people get married? Because they don’t want to wonder if they’re going to break up any more?? I love that.
from sanetwin :
Honey, just because you're married that doesn't mean the on-again-off-again crap goes away. It just gets worse. Now instead of just threatening to break up you threaten to DIVORCE with every fight.
from mozangeles :
Oh Val, I wish I had pearls of wisdom, but part of the reason I am in therapy now is because I do not have the answers. But, I do understand where you are coming from. One of my boyfriends, when he dumped me, basically admitted that one of the reasons was because he did not like the "hostile" and "violent" environment of my family, i.e. all the fighting. Even my current boyfriend makes comments about all the anger and fighting within my family, because he had the "perfect" Norman Rockwell family who never externally dealt with conflict. But, I feel to a certain extent that the way my family is is the norm these days, unfortunately. But, I think your T is right...these issues are going to come up in other relationships, just like mine have haunted and followed me from one relationship to another. For me, the basis is nobody ever giving me enough attention, doing things how I want them to do it, and just basically not being enough of anything. And where does this come from? I have no clue. What do you think your root is? That is what you need to figure out. It could be that you and ke are just not compatible, but based on the fact that you have been together for so long, it shows that you are able to co-exist peacefully to a certain degree and must enjoy one another's company at least a bit. xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
I'm so sorry for the struggles you and Ke are going through. I really felt for you when I read your latest entry, I know that scary feeling you described. I had that once with Eric, that kind of talk..that kind of moment. We were right on the edge and I didn't know where we were heading. All these emotions are running through your head and you're weighing all sides. It's a difficult place to be in. I don't really have advice to give, but I can tell you that I really hope things work out for the best. Also that I can relate, because I was in that place once.
from chained-soul :
stumbled onto your diary thru justvivo...laughed my ass off about the b-a-n-a-n-a-s being stuck in your head...it wa stuck in mine for a day or so, and i just got rid of it...then, i read the BANANAS entry-gee thanks!!!...will add you to faves...
from limes-sugar :
Oh, and i have to say I totally agree with friday films. About being friends with the girl who did that with ke.
from limes-sugar :
GOD. Things are the worst when stuck in your head. Here's the thing: is it stuck in your head because he's the one in control ? MEaning- HE's the one mad at YOU?!? Also, quick sidenote, even though you guys have 'moved past' the cheating issue... he still doesn't have the right to get pissed cause he thinks you are getting pissed and it has something to do with that. Like, you know what, HE's the one that cheated so forever more he needs to be the one who's extra cautious re: that subject matter. Sucks but that's the decision he made when he cheated. Bottom Line. I hate to see you so upset and sorry to give unsolicited advice. lovelovelove you!!! Limes
from evildilara :
I am sorry you cried at the gym, that sucks. But if it makes you feel any better, Celebrity Fit Club HAS MADE people cry before so you wouldn't be alone if it DID happen to make you cry...
from mozangeles :
Are you fucking kidding me? He is asking you to leave? How about he gets his parents a hotel room and goes to hang out with them? What fucking nerve to kick you out of your own living space. And that fight is a complete joke, and he is being a big, whiny baby Huey. I apologize - I am not usually this harsh and pass judgement, but since I am only getting your side of the story (which, somehow I seem to trust more), I am only seeing ke as a total whiny baby suckling the lifeblood out of you! Seriously. And he can just get over the fact taht you may or may not have been referring to him cheating on you way back when...because the fact is that he is lucky that you are back with him after such a thing. ARGGGGH, men are so selfish sometimes. I truly cannot believe it. xoxo - me
from fridayfilms :
'k. There are a few things I clearly don't understand. First of all, the idea of ever being friends with someone who cheated on a boyfriend seems unreal to me. A (once)very close friend of mine took up with my boyfriend during a particularly stressful period in our relationship, and the only way for us to get back on track was to ditch her completely. It's disrespectful of Ke to expect you to not only be okay with the girl but to also swallow all your issues surrounding the event(s) in question. And secondly, if he understands these issues well enough to intuit that your anger over a TV show is at all related, then he should be concerned enough to talk it through with you. The idea that YOU should have to apologize to HIM for still hurting over something that he did to you is just unacceptable. I'm sorry if I'm ranting, but men need to get the fuck over themselves and take responsibility for their actions. It's easy for them to turn a situation around so that you're suddenly the bad guy. There's a difference between lording it over them after an issue has been dealt with properly and reacting to a hit sore spot you've been trying to ignore. What I'm trying to say is, I don't think you're in the wrong here. From what I can tell, Ke has some serious guilt issues and needs to turn his harsh judgement back on himself. ARGH! I'm sorry, but argh.
from limes-sugar :
You know it bitch! Cocktailsssssss. Oh my god that gawker link was awesome. So..wait, I don't see how ke can still be that mad??
from clarity25 :
"..or cut his freaking toenails you’re going to throw yourself down a flight of stairs." I have to confess, that line had me laughing. I can REALLY relate to that line. Don't be so concerned with the lube though.:), I hope everything works out and I would love to go out drinking..tonight, sounds great! I could use a few drinks right now:)
from mozangeles :
Girl, I know you read all of my obsessive entries about my boyfriend looking at internet porn late at night after I go to bed, and how I obsessively look for it in the history. I KNOW YOU DID! Once again, you are just illustrating that we are living parallel lives. Unfortunately, I do not know what to say to make you feel better...because I cannot say that I have yet gotten to a point where I feel ok with it! xoxo - me
from sanetwin :
oh the lube.... just OH. I'm a little shocked and grossed out by that.
from limes-sugar :
1. SWEAR ON OUR RELATIONSHIP??? Pure awesomeness. I loved that. So sad. 2. Yes, you HAVE to watch Kill Reality on E! It's one of my faves right now, got all the crazies from reality shows. 3. I am very sorry you and Ke are fighting. :( 4. I don't know WHAT I would do without single girlfriends. But, that's because I'm single! When Sam and I were together I had NOOOOO interest in single girls because I wasn't catting around. Now I'm a junior cougar! XOXOX LImes
from fridayfilms :
I know you probably didn't mean to make me laugh, but you did. I'm sorry. It's only because I can relate. At least to the throwing myself down the stairs over an unwashed dish. I dunno about that lube...
from mozangeles :
You found a bottle of lube in front of the computer and you did not even say anything?!?!?! xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Oh for fuck's sake, you ruined the next Six Feet Under for me! But it's ok, honey, because I know that shit was going to happen anyway. And I think that Maggie is an ugly bitch compared to Brenda!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAGE! xoxo - me
from sanetwin :
ugh what a shit ass day. I'm sorry.
from luxelady :
write what YOU want. it's your diary. if people don't like it they don't have to read it. it's a place for you to vent about whatever you want and if you feel like sharing personal stuff, then that's great. i'd hate the thought of anyone censoring themselves in a place that's supposed to be their own. i think that sharing the deep dark stuff is not about making things interesting for your readers but about feeling support and not being alone and this can be a good place for that....xx luxe
from mozangeles :
I know that in the past I have left notes about how concerned I am about your e/d and the b/p aspect of it...but it has only been because I have been concerned. But, I do know what it is like, since I too struggle with an eating disorder...but I just don't do the p part. I have been in e/d groups, etc...but I think it something that people struggle with for the rest of their lives. I do not think it is something that people ever REALLY recover from...just like people with addictions. I will never want to REALLY never have a cigarette again (among other past addictions, and I think it is admirable just to do the best that you can...and we all know that you are! Take care. xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry to hear about your cousin, I'm glad to hear that things are a little better now. As for scaring people off from commenting, not at all! I agree with everything you said. People only know a portion of the story, and only what we choose to share. When someone judges as though they know EVERYTHING and start telling you what you should or shouldn't do with your life. It's....upsetting and annoying. Sometimes it's hard to share certain things. Helpful advice is always appreciated, but criticism isn't helpful at all. I know exactly what you mean. If everyone over the internet would have the same consideration for people's feelings as they would in everyday life..it would be so much better.
from luxelady :
hey thanx for the note - i'm so glad it's over but until i find out i passed the thought that i might have to go through it again will bug me FOREVER. so it does suck that it takes so long - so what if they have to grade 10,000 exams?? i want to know NOW. ps- i'm keeping you and your nephew in my thoughts - xx luxe
from thebeesknees :
First and foremost, I hope your nephew gets well soon (and reiterate what others are saying re: croup). Second, I'm unwilling to consider the boy in terms of my major plans because things aren't good and haven't been for a while and I'm not prone to putting the brakes on my life for boys, generally. Third, I'm quite sick of certain aspects of Chicago but know I'd miss it like crazy if I left. Maybe I'd move back here, maybe I'd try something new. I don't know, which is why I'm avoiding any hasty decisions.
from ladiebug :
i'm so sorry to hear... i hope he gets out of there fast and healthy as ever. much, much love, anna
from limes-sugar :
Hey. Don't freak out....on a positive note...all my little cousins got it at some point. But keep me updated. XOXOXO HUGS LImes
from mozangeles :
Geez, can I type? Seriously, this medication is making me wonky. What I meant to say that is my brother and I both got it when we were babies, and we are fine now. xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
From what I understand, croup is a totally normal baby sickness. Apparently, my brother nad I go it when we were babies - do not fret, my dear. All will be fine. xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
The heat makes me an irritable, crabby fuck as well. Hell no, I would not have even agreed to go to a cook-out; at least you braved it. Once again, our lives seem parallel - my boyfriend, too, keeps saying he is going to study, do this, do that...I see very little action...and I just keep waiting...hang in there. xoxo - me
from claritynew :
I really enjoyed this recent entry, you covered all the bases and it was so much fun to read! It sounds like you had fun in D.C., oh and I know all about the "little evil bitch shopping fairy", I have to deal with her too. Luckily I have no money to actually spend, so she doesn't get too far with me and then disappears. But since I've gotten a new Visa card..she's been visiting more frequently..much to Eric's dismay.:). Hope you're doing well!
from limes-sugar :
what up!!! they run a little big. You should purchase a half size smaller than you wear. I must have these. Faith has them and it kills me.
from limes-sugar :
i am not done reading and have much to respond to..but first...go to stevemadden.com and search for the siennah shoe...in 'brown' (but's it''s really this great burnt umber red brown. That shoe is THE shoe. SO SO SO hot with jeans and a white beater. GET THEM. OH, I HATE GRASS JEANS. just don't fit me
from luxelady :
you got it - fuck/off thanks for adding me - i think your diary is great! xx luxe
from limes-sugar :
Why o WHy do we have to work? I continue to wish I would win the lottery, alas, I still don't buy the tickets!! I wish you, VLA, would write a really really really long update. A selfishly all about you update. I would like for you to cover the following topics: new clothing desired or purchased, Ke update, familial update, summer trip? update, fave tv show update, any details from nights out. Thanks very much. PS. I know, at first I was excited because the RealWorlders were so young and dumb...but...god, throw me a bone. At this point I'd prefer 3 1-hour eps that were more interesting. Also, why WHYWHY does that blonde frat kid think he is attractive??? I mean, look kid, you are NOT hot. Or even cute really. Wait-- let me take a quick poll....NOPE! Not one person thinks you are hot! Sorry!
from thebeesknees :
First, I love seeing the notes re: Blow Out, or as I call it, Blow Hard. That guy, eek. Anyway. This may sound like a really stupid suggestion, but someone I know who converses with those with heavy accents swear by it --> Before the interview, rent one or two Scottish films so you're accustomed to the accent when the interview rolls around. I don't know, Trainspotting and Small Faces or something of the sort? Might make you feel a little more confident, because if they have really working class Scottish accents, it might otherwise be hard to get with the program. Dumb idea, but apparently works. Good luck, I know you'll do well!
from elabee :
Of course I watched: Jonathon's girlfriend seems so adorable and sweet. I do not get it. Also, I almost died during the sequence where his hot water was "out" and he got the idea for the Super Jonathon Shower Filter! And finally, I wonder why those two ladies in charge of his product don't use the magical Dirt - their hair looked all frizzy and what not...
from mozangeles :
I wish that I had your job! Sounds exciting. I do not think that I would be good at it, though. I think it would make me nervous. xoxo - me
from tedslilangel :
Yes! All little girls are amazing--and somewhere along the way, they have a negative encounter or two, and grow jaded like the rest of us. My three younger cousins and I have a relationship like you have with your neices...I could play with them all day and they are just so amazing and smart and vibrant. Glad to hear you had a great weekend! :-)
from evildilara :
yay on the raise...I am so glad they took care of it!!
from limes-sugar :
Dude. you should lock. I feel so much better locked.
from tedslilangel :
So, they have this disclaimer link-thing that I've seen on some of these diaries...have you seen it? If you click on it and read the page, it discusses how you are 'not to read the weblog/diary/webpage of someone you know without telling them' and it goes on and on and being ethical in your reading of these pages, etc. etc. I think it's certainly fair to feel that your sister should not read beyond what you've asked her to! :-)
from mozangeles :
My boyfriend comes home everyday from work nowadays really stressed out and depressed. He wants to get a new job, but he is feeling so upset and motivated, that he ends up not doing it. Then he stays at the job that is making him so miserable. It is a vicious cycle. And, yes, I am very easily affected by him being depressed as well. I wait to see how he is doing when I pick him up from work to see what we are doing that night, if anything. xoxo - me
from tedslilangel :
Sounds like you and I are on the same path right now! I hope all continues well for you! Have fun, j :-)
from mozangeles :
Sometimes I have to think hard about what I did the day before to think of something intelligent and entertaining to write about. That seldom happens, though - the entertaining part. I know how you feel. xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
I love weekends like that!
from clarity25 :
The triple A experience sounded stressful, hope your car is okay and you have a safe trip this weekend.
from f-i-n :
hihihihi
from limes-sugar :
I know...I would think that you weren't required to tip AAA b/c (1) you pay them the yearly fee and often never call them and (2) usually when called, people aren't 'prepare,' so more often than not, i bet peeps don't even HAVE tip money. What'd he say? Also, is Pepboys expense?
from clarity25 :
Thanks for your last note..sorry to hear that work is sucking so much. I hope things improve in that area but I'm so glad to hear you had an awesome fourth of July break! Hope all is well with you! Thinking of you! -Clarity
from krichelle :
down with the williams kids.. think celebrities should come one per family only.. think about it.. jessica and ashlee.. george and george w... britney and jamie lynne.. BOO.
from clarity25 :
That's so sweet and awesome!!! Have a great time together! awww..*smiling stupidly*:)
from tedslilangel :
Aww...that's so wonderful and I'm glad to hear that everyone's going so well for you! :-)
from clarity25 :
I hope you feel better, we all have those sluggish, tired and depressed days..Eventually they run off you like water and you'll feel more refreshed. It's the hot weather, we all slow down a bit..contemplate things..Take care!
from clarity25 :
Boy do I know what you mean about feeling like your guy is the center of your social life and without him you feel lost. It's like, once he's gone you realize it and feel like you have no friends. That's exactly how I felt when Eric left. I realized how much I depend on him and I hated it. I realized that all my friends I met in this country were through him, and not on my own. In fact, without him it was strange to call them and say "So..uh..what's up?". It felt like an effort. But once I did it, It was easier. I think Eric leaving on business trips helped me start to branch out on my own a bit, forming memories with friends without him for once. I felt less dependent..and the friends I had here in Germany started feeling less like aquaintances. It's just hard in the beginning. I related to what you said completely. My advice would be to just bite the bullet and call up someone that is friends with both of you and just say "hey". It gets easier after that.:), thank you so much for your last note, it was really comforting.
from fridayfilms :
I understand the whole boy being the sole outlet for social interaction thing. Once two of my oldest girlfriends leave town, I'll have only one safe girlfriend to call on. It is a bit scary, but a little introspection never hurt anyone I guess. Besides which, I know from past experience that there are things I've enjoyed doing by myself. It's just a matter of rediscovering what those are. Sun-tanning, beer and short fiction in the garden, for one thing. There are other things too, I'm sure.
from clarity25 :
Sorry to hear about Ke leaving for 2 weeks, I know how that is..Eric just left for 5 days and I missed him a lot. Glad to hear that things are getting better..and I know what you mean about not wanting to be a nag. I brought up that issue with Eric, the one I wrote about to you in an E-mail a while back. I feel like the annoying wife, but he listened and understood the feelings I expressed. Things changed for the better. Also, this is funny..but I know what you mean about noticing the things that are fake around you, that you never noticed before. I went into a cafe the other day and suddenly realized that all the cakes and cookies in the displays around the cashier and in the windows were made of plastic. For some reason I had thought they were real for a long long time.. then I noticed all the other things that were fake all day. Thank you for all your kind and helpful notes this week concerning my private entries. They really meant alot to me. I hope you're having a good weekend!
from serapay :
i emailed to vla@diaryland.com...i hope that works. let me know.
from fridayfilms :
This one works great, vla. Horizontally and vertically.
from fridayfilms :
This is a great layout, although it cuts off approximately half your text (at least, it does in my browser at work).
from sanetwin :
I love your new layout!
from tedslilangel :
That's great! Congratulations! A bunch of us NYU-ers play tennis together when we get a spare moment...it's a lot of fun! Enjoy! :-)
from limes-sugar :
Yo. Oh! wait, are those the tall frye boots? yellow tan -ish?? Tall? I have those...only I never know what to wear them with. What did the skirt look like??? Please, I need fashion advice on how to wear them in the summer. I know. My feet sweat so so so badly in them. Hollaback.
from clarity25 :
You haven't updated in a while..and since I'm one of those annoying buddies that loves your diary, I'm going to start hounding you:). Just kidding. Hope all is well with you!
from ladiebug :
sorry for not writing back for so long... i'm okay... sorry, so sorry, it's unlocked now
from limes-sugar :
I KNOWWWW! Honestly, I can't believe he hasn't called or emailed. But, he has my dog! I hope he brings him back to my apt. before I get home from work! AND- I have a date tonight so I can't like argue with him about it. I'm gong to say what he kept saying on Sunday "i'm not going to answer that because whatever i say makes you upset." Yes, F U Buddy!
from limes-sugar :
WELL VLA...IT HAPPENED!!!!!!! GO READ MY JOURNAL. STAT!
from mozangeles :
I haven't gotten either of my cats their rabies shots, and I am not sure I want to, considering they are indoor-only cats, too. I also have not gotten my female kitten fixed yet (she is old enough now). Our male kitten is fixed, so I do not see the point, unless the female is going to get all crazy when she goes in heat. What do you think? xoxo - me
from sanetwin :
yay! boy quiz!
from limes-sugar :
U R funny, Miss Thang. Yes, I just called you Miss Thang. After the couple of days I had, i thoroughly enjoyed your entry. All of us girls get bitched out for wearing clickity shoes. F em all! bastards!! XDOX limes
from sanetwin :
My daughter complains that my flip flops are too loud. Wha???
from tedslilangel :
When I read your entries and see 'you know?', I often shake my head in agreement and understanding. My ex before Ted was an alcohol and pot smoker and was extremely depressed. We were together for 2.5 years and the relationship had many similarities to your current one. However, you and ke have much more history and love and so forth. I know that whatever is meant to be for you will, and I also know that you will be strong no matter what happens. Good luck and take care.
from serapay :
i definitely know. it takes a lot of strength to do what's best for yourself sometimes, and it would be lonely, but that would pass. (like i take my own advice. ha.) but it doesn't have to be like this. it can be easier. you'll never meet that person if you're with him.
from mozangeles :
"That’s how it was with my ex Justin at the end too. It was AWFUL. I ended up treating him like shit. I do not want to do that I again. I have the capacity to treat people horribly. I don’t want to do that. Am I? I feel like I am losing perspective. I have a nasty side. A cruel streak. My mom & I used to fight very cruelly with each other. It was awful. It was almost like I was taught to be that way… ke was not. He is super, overly sensitive. We’re a terrible match really." The fact that you wrote that is scary, because I am now convinced that we are the same couple just on opposite sides of the country. I am very cruel to the boyfriend, and I too feel that I was bred to be horrifically cruel. My mom and I also had horrible fights where we would say absolutely disgusting things to one another. I dig and dig until the person is at a breaking point, and then I try to smooth things over. It is a really sick cycle. How do we break out of this, Val? That is partially why I now go to therapy. I need to find out why this happens. xoxo - me
from serapay :
my heart aches for you. most of my relationships have been the same. i know i am in one of those relationships right now...things that seem so obvious, so simple to us, so important...and they act as though making the effort would be changing who they are. i know how you feel, it eventually makes you out to be the bad one...all the resentment. it's a losing battle, i know you know. but there's always this feeling of hope...maybe. yes, my heart aches for you.
from clarity25 :
I have days where I feel like a vacuum and somewhat uninspired too. But actually I didn't find that boring. I'm sorry for your back problems and I can't believe someone would get laid off over the PHONE. that's kind of frightening..Thank you so much for your note in my defense, that meant alot to me. I hope you have a great weekend.
from serapay :
would you believe that one of me and my boy's biggest arguments stem from me trying to help him take care of his teeth and go to the dentist? isn't it a total complete pain? ha!
from clarity25 :
That would be hard, to be an alcoholic and have friends that love to party. Just a random thought. I hate guys that try to pick up girls on the side of the road, I've had that happen to me and a friend..I wondered too, about the "ladies of the night" mistake. I've also had drunk guys yell at us out of car windows, and constant annoying honking every two seconds from every passing vehicle. What is wrong with men?
from mozangeles :
Who are you thinking of, Vla? If it is an ex-boyfriend, I know what you mean. I had a very vivid dream about one of my exes last night, and I cannot stop thinking about him. xoxo - me
from tedslilangel :
I know *exactly* what you are experiencing!
from mozangeles :
Damn, if he is making $12/hr, can you really afford to get TWO dogs, with all the vet bills, etc? The boyfriend and I both make more than that and we get horrified at our vet bills with our 2 cats. AND you have 2 cats! YIKES! xoxo - me
from andreeb :
I used to have that dream a lot. Control issues and all that. Also dreamed a lot about very steep bridges and falling elevators.
from clarity25 :
First off thank you for your last E-mail. I spoke to Eric about my feelings concerning the matter and I'll probably write you another E-mail in the upcoming days describing how it went. I hope things are going alright with you. You sound as though you're in a transitional period, feeling frustrated and confused. But I just wanted to say that it's okay to harmlessly flirt with someone else, to feel the way you do and to want to go out with some single girlfriends a bit, just unwind and have a good time. It's natural! Hope things improve, and that you're having a good day. It was nice to see a new update, when you're gone..you're missed. I really like your journal and look forward to your updates. But I know how it is when you just don't feel the urge to put your feelings in writing. I feel that too, especially lately. It's just hard. P.S. Thank you also for your last kind note.
from andreeb :
Glad to hear from you again, entry wise. I was a little worried.
from clarity25 :
I wrote you an E-mail about this entry and sent it to Vla@Diaryland.com. I don't know if it'll get to you. Let me know if it did, or if I have to send it again to a different address. Have a good weekend:)
from mozangeles :
Good letter. Very thoughtful and sincere. xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Good luck with your talk, Val. I hope that you two can work things out. I heart you. xoxo - me
from beautifulwoe :
I hope things get better for you, and FAST! I have a really hard time writing a single word in my paper journal since I started here.
from ladiebug :
i'm sorry to hear you are having doubts, and just feeling glum over all. i hope things resolve soon, and if you need anything, you know you got a friend in me. xo, anna
from clarity25 :
It's understandable that you fear marriage right now and want to take it slow. You have to do what's right for you. I'm sorry that Ke is feeling depressed. Therapy might be a step in the right direction. Also, I know what you mean about feeling lost because your friend is moving away. I felt really lost after leaving for Germany, I miss having all my close friends in the same city. It gets lonely sometimes without them, so I can really relate. Hope things start looking up. Thank you also for your last note, It made me feel better. Hope you have a good night.
from mozangeles :
Is ke in therapy, or on medication? This is no way for you two to live. xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Well, I had initially decided to go back and study Italian language & literature (Renaissance/Dante), but since I am now beginning to doubt my Italian language abilities, I am thinking about going back to do English, with an emphasis on Renaissance Lit, and just do Italian on the side. It is so confusing. I was not that impressed with my English program in college, and it apparently has the best Comp. Lit program in the nation! xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
I am not so sure it is an actual publishing company, although they do publish news and press releases. It is with the company Business Wire. Have you heard of them? We enter their press releases into our oncology database daily. I am going to give them a call in a couple of hours. Wish me luck! xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Aw Val, you are totally validated in your fear of marriage to ke. ke really does need to get his life together before you two can share a life together. Plus, you probably have your own shit that you want to work out before getting married. I know I feel that way, even though my boyfriend is not the type who is in any rush to get married. My boyfriend needs to go to the damn dentist, too! What is wrong with these men? xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Hi Val! By the way, you can call me Aki or Jess, whichever you prefer. Jessica is my real name, but all my friends call me Aki (real friends), most D-land people call me Jess. xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
I think the way that you feel is totally normal, actually, but I might be saying that because I am the same way. I wasted thousands of dollars in rent during college, because I could NOT share a room, bed, study space, etc, with anyone. I am still the same way. I am willing to share my bed with the boyfriend, but when a friend of ours recently proposed us all getting a place together, I nearly had a panic attack. xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry to hear about Ke's grandmother passing away and all the stress you're going to have endure in the upcoming days. It's going to be hard for both of you. The way you're feeling is natural, don't ever feel like you have to censor yourself or lie to sound "nice". It's how you feel and this is your place to express it. Alot of the concerns and frustrations you have are what we all have in times like this, we're just not allowed to let it out. We have to be silent, remorseful and go along with the program even if inside we're screaming. You'll get through this like everything else in life. Just take a deep breath and steady yourself. It'll all be over, and You and Ke will be even closer for having gone through all of this together. You're in my thoughts, Take care of you -love, Clarity.
from evildilara :
So sorry to hear about ke's grandma.
from tedslilangel :
Me too...18-23 (almost), in a relationship. But, without it, I'd probably still be starving myself to death or, well, dead. I'm one who needs it, for sure, and I can totally relate to what you're saying...take care!
from beautifulwoe :
Sorry about what you and Ke are going through right now doll, I can relate. It's a roller coaster ride that isn't much fun. Hugs, and take care of yourself. :)Woe
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry to hear about Ke's grandmother, losing a family member is always hard. I can understand your reservations concerning the sketchy e-mails though..one says she has a few more weeks, the next says she's going to die right now and bring your funeral clothes?! That's awful, I would feel confused and suspicious as well. Also, I'm sorry you've been feeling alone, sad and low..but unable to express it fully because of this situation, not knowing what to do and feeling lost. It's difficult situation. I'm sorry, I don't have the right words, I hope things improve for Ke, his grandmother and you. You're in my thoughts.
from fridayfilms :
Sorry about Ke's grandma. His mother sounds just like mine - you have to watch out for people who are happy all the time. All that repressed anger has to surface sometime, and it can be pretty ugly when it finally does.
from mozangeles :
The boyfriend's sister made a comment to me once that seemed weird at the time, but it is true. Not a lot of people our age (and Ke's age) even have grandparents around anymore. My father's parents are both still alive (and in good health, for the most part, but are just waiting around to kick), and maybe it is because I see them MAYBE once every couple years, but I feel nothing about them dying. I feel like I should feel worse. Ke must have been very close with his grandma, or maybe I am deranged, but I feel very disconnected from feeling sadness about my grandparents' impending deaths. Ke's mom, on the other hand, what a bitch. She could have said, "You might want to bring funeral clothes just in case," instead of making it sound like a ticking death sentence. How heartless! xoxo - me
from andreeb :
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I know that doesn't help, but there it is...
from beautifulwoe :
make-up makes almost anything better! xoxo woe
from ladiebug :
congrats on the much-deserved promo, but i'm sorry to hear about the family hardships. :( i hope things turn out for the better soon...
from mozangeles :
I am sorry to hear about Ke's grandma not doing so well. I hope things start getting easier for you sooner. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues with your parents, just as I do. xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Wow, our lives are sounding scarily parallel. My dad flipped out on me this weekend, too. Only, he did this AFTER he insulted me, my boyfriend (right to our faces), and embarassed us in a crowded restaurant. I will have to write about it later. xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
Thanks for the congrats, glad that your interview went well!! Hope you have a great weekend!
from ladiebug :
thank you for being insightful lately... it's helping me a lot in... resisting, i guess? i owe you something more substantial than this, but please know that i'm grateful for your genuine honesty and lovingness towards me. xo, anna
from clarity25 :
Good luck with your interview!
from green-kiwis :
Indeed, spicychicken is Valerie too! It's amazing. I'll keep reading you, okay?
from green-kiwis :
hi! I've only just read you today, because I saw when you left Westy (bonypony) a comment, that your name is Valerie also, and you read Galaxy too. So maybe I will read some more soon, but here is your note of helloes! --V.
from clarity25 :
Well, I read you all the time..but, hey, you know that:). Whenever I think of the future such as affording a house someday, children, retirement..etc. I always get freaked out, insecure and nervous. So I just try to take things one day at a time..well, for the most part. Good luck with your mother's birthday this weekend!
from iamyourjune :
hmmm... am i a lurker? have a good friday! :o)
from mozangeles :
I am a total lurker. But you know what? I totally appreciate the paragraph dedicated to your hair straightener, because I straighten mine everyday with a straightener! I luuuurve it! xoxo - me
from marianakeyes :
well, I don't really think I'm a "lurker" b/c you know I read your diary... right?? You should add comments! I'm glad your hair iron worked out. hearts, m
from elabee :
Why can't cute, fun boys make plans past this afternoon? It's a curse. I don't know how to fix it. I'm always afraid of nagging, mothering, etc. good luck!
from mozangeles :
Your boy needs a job. A REAL one. xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
congrats on your new job. p.s. Man, I feel so sorry for Britney Spears right now.
from inebriated :
congrats on the assignment!
from clarity25 :
I hate family gatherings too..all the questions and everyone looking at me. I have to constantly force a smile and every place I turn is someone else saying "Clarity..Oh look at YOU". I just want to sink into the floor and disappear..There's nowhere to escape. I feel for you. Good luck with that:), I'm sure you'll be fine.
from inebriated :
i feel the same way about most family gatherings. i don't know why we all insist on gathering, it just stresses everyone out. glad you have a partner in crime to go with you. also, that is bs about work, in germany they have so many days off, it's just autocratic and unhealthy and micromanaging. got get that raise girl you've earned it. cheers. ineb. thx for the scar comment. can you believe. it is a little wierd being out, people actually give my the queezy one eye. the glance at my neck then nervously into my eye's like i've caught them being curious or something. this should get interesting. :*()
from inebriated :
i love your entry. i had no idea your sister was married to a woman. believe me i get it about the narcissitic mom. *everything* is about my mom. my entire surgery is about her, her experience of it, her experience of my dad during this time. its incredible. she's gotten better, but jesus what i grew up with. one time we were cross country skiing and they wanted to keep going and their enjoyment was more important that i started to feel a ton of pain. i actually got frostbitten. my toes have never been the same. i hope you are well. :*) i'm glad you didn't say it was okay with your mom and you just let the lesson settle into her.
from clarity25 :
I can relate with what you were saying about Ke and his depression. Eric gets that too, It comes and goes. His mother suffered from Depression. Sometimes I worry that it will get worse. He feels that we don't make enough money, we're overworked, underpaid..especially him because he has a higher job position with alot more responsibilities and challenges. He has these moments where he just gets into slumps and it's hard to pull him out. It's frustrating because I've wanted to yell for the past 2 years. "Okay..then lets CHANGE it if you're not happy..lets leave Germany NOW, lets get a different job NOW". But I'm just giving him the space to figure everything out and making the most of each moment. But It's frustrating, I hear you and also you just want to make everything better, fix everything. But sometimes there isn't anything you CAN do, but try to understand and be supportive. Which you're doing!:). Take care!
from stereogirl :
Sorry I haven't had the time to update much lately - I'm agincourtgirl at LJ if you want to read me there. Also, have you seen this: http://storms.typepad.com/booklust/ - there's a cartoon about Michael Chabon & Jonathan Lethem that is too funny...
from clarity25 :
Hey, I have an interesting entry coming up in my private folder for you soon. It should keep you amused for..well, five minutes. But still:). I'm having one of those dragging days too..slow as a snail.. creeping towards six..
from marianakeyes :
hey, I bet that flat iron will be really good. I just got this one: http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P74100&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=C10450 for free from work [I know, I'm a spoiled bitch] and it's really similar to the one you are getting... I tried it out last night and it rocks. Also, you should never feel bad about spending too much on hair tools, b/c hair is the first thing people see and it's totally worth it to have pretty hair. God, I'm such a girl.
from ladiebug :
ah, so THAT'S why i've been seeing an expanding midsection - i've totally been chowing nuts lately! in hindsight, it's a totally "duh!" move to avoid it, but until someone else writes about it, it's like it doesn't click! airheadedly yours, l.bug
from evildilara :
I have theeeee flatest ass ever. Seriously, pancakes have nothing on me. But since I have been doing the elliptical machine for about three months now, there is a noticable "ledge" on my ass, thus separating it from my legs. Hence, making AN ASS. So try the elliptical for a little while. I am adding lunges next week.
from ladiebug :
i see that with my brother, too. i think it's just social construction of males as providers. it's funny how strong the machismo defense really is when it's blared out subliminally during vulnerable talks. thanks for your loving email last week. :) much love, naners
from mozangeles :
I also have to deal with the boyfriend's little "I-don't-have-enough-money-to-make-you-happy-and-buy-you-things" tantrums from time to time. Like you, I don't blame him for not having money. In fact, I commend him. I know he's making money just so that he can live with me. But, I often do wonder about how we are going to afford having kids and a family someday. Not to mention going to Grad school before all of that happens...and the boyfriend is 30, which is not OLD, but you know, getting there. xoxo - me
from tedslilangel :
I understand how your reactions can change--I think it stems from the comfort of knowing and understanding him. I've been with my guy for 3.5 years and we lived together for two, are planning to get married, etc. etc. and we've certainly had our moments. It's hard when you're not settled down. My guy and I, being graduate students, are also low on money and have some uncertainty in our lives. But, our relationship, US, is completely certain because we love each other, and that always gets us through--I think that is the case for you and him as well. You are in love and know each other and are now really good at handling the stress the other is going through. I wish the best for both of you, and hopes he feels better soon! Enjoy the sunshine, J
from clarity25 :
Wow..it's so strange. Eric's going through some things right now too, in a way very similiar to what Ke is going through. He just had a break down today on the way home from work about finances, how he can't afford to buy me all the things I would want and he'll never be that person to buy me diamonds and vacations.. (as though I wasn't aware of this when I married him! and as though my goal in life is to find a man to buy me these things. ) Hes in a slump too and I just finished writing about it. Then I read your entry, strange. Anyhow, I think you handled it great and It's wonderful that you trust that he'll work through everything, and that you're giving him the space to do that. That you believe in him. Despite how stressful or frustrating it might feel, you're a great girlfriend:). Take care!
from clarity25 :
Sorry to hear about your bestfriend leaving town, I know that will be hard. To be both happy for her and sad for yourself at the same time.
from fluency :
argh! i unlocked it, but i guess it didnt register yet. upside, down.
from tedslilangel :
I'm very sorry to hear the news. I wish you only the best and I'll keep you in my thoughts. Take care, Jackie
from clarity25 :
Okay, now I'M worried too. But maybe it's not as bad as you think, take a deep breath. I agree, couldn't the appointment be bumped up to an earlier date so you're not in suspense and wondering? I'm sorry for what you're going through right now, Val, I hope everything is okay..
from mozangeles :
I'm sorry you have to go through this, Val. I hope everything is alright. xoxo - me
from ladiebug :
argh, not trying to freak out, but i am worried... can't it be bumped up sooner? :/
from ladiebug :
eh?? am i like a hitler-exercise-commie of d-land or something??? ;) much love, l.bug
from clarity25 :
That's true what you wrote "the cool thing about being an adult is that you really decide to make it however you want to". You're free, you make you're own decision and you live it however you choose. That IS a plus. However, I miss college too. Glad you had a fun easter..wish I was high too. (would have made it more bearable with the relatives:). Sorry to hear about that vampire lady removing so much blood and how you passed out. That sounded like a nightmare. But it's great that you went to the gym so early. I can't even imagine doing that, I should really work out more..well..AT ALL. (sigh) I know what you mean about seeing that perfect girl with the perfect breasts and how that's discouraging. I see that alot in Germany..especially at the beach, and the pools. (they take it all off). I just sat there feeling self-conscious with the towel around me. Oh btw, I get excited about shopping too and oftentimes spend money on a cool new top when I can't really afford it. But hey..you only live once, right?:)
from tedslilangel :
I had to get a meningitis shot over the summer prior to starting here at NYU, and after not even feeling the shot (the dr. was so gentle), I walked out to my car where I almost passed out, experiencing the same symptoms you did today...you're right, it is very scary :-( Glad to hear you're feeling better though. I TRIED to go shopping this weekend, but went too late, only to find that the mall was closed for Easter. ::sigh:: Oh well, maybe this weekend! Take care, Jackie 0:-)
from evildilara :
I got a great belt, an awesome, rad, wonderful, cool, inexpensive, practical yet rockalicious belt from the LATINO FEST. Oh yeah! The beauty of it all is that it cost like 7 pesos or something ridiculous like that. Seriously, it was like $10. I bought it here in the summer when we had the Latino Fest downtown. Its black and made of very nice leather and looks good dressed up or down. I wear it nearly every single day. The best part of it is, the guy who made it was from Guatemala and very nice and I know that my $10 was going to support him and his leathermaking livlihood. I get all sorts of accessories and whatnot from those types of fairs. It is always unique and cheap!
from mozangeles :
I usually get 4 vials of blood drawn when I DO have blood taken. I can withstand it, because I imagine I am considerably heavier than you are, so I don't really mind. But, paps are no fun, and shots aren't either. :( Awwww, poor Val. xoxo - me
from inebriated :
thanks so much. :*)
from clarity25 :
the situation with Terri Schiavo is so heartbreaking. It's hard to say what the right thing to do is, I would want to be able to rest in peace instead of being in a persistant vegetative state for nearly 15 years. It's so incredibly sad. I feel for her family and for her. I knew about the bulimia too. It's frightening to think that could cause something like that to occur. It makes you grateful for every beautiful second we have on earth and everything we take for granted. I'm sorry that you're struggling with B/P. I wish I had the right words. but you're stronger than you give yourself credit for and you're working through it. I hope you feel better soon and I hope you have a good easter. Love, Clarity
from inebriated :
holy shyte. so i come home with all the hoopla and the funny thing is, somewhere inside i wanted to call you and jumbly and share in all my news.it's wild to feel akin. i want you two somehow to be here on the surgury day and i also wanted to tell you about the new order. :*)
from enondoiel :
Thank you so much for putting me on your buddy list :) I hope you don't mind it if I return the favor? Have a great day!
from clarity25 :
Thanks for your last note, It's good to know that I'm not alone in the way I've been feeling. That desire for a change in life, but not knowing where to start and fearing failure. I guess it's something we all feel at times. It just leads to feeling stagnant and frustrated. I hate it. Anyhow, I'm rambling. You know it's funny, Eric just said the other night that he was feeling "uncool" too. Funny how that is with guys. Sorry about your computer problems and frustration with work. Hope things get better
from fridayfilms :
I'm big on the bsc clapping song.
from clarity25 :
Thanks for your get well wishes and congrats on your 400th entry..and your 401st, which had me laughing. Yes, I remember "total eclipse of the heart", I used to love that song:)
from tedslilangel :
My mom, too, relies on me for comfort and support--I think she may be trying to fill the void because my Dad is not especially loving or sentimental. I can go weeks on end without calling her, knowing that she will keep the conversation on herself, looking for support and recognition. I was home this past weekend, only to hear her on the phone every few minutes telling everyone in the world about everything going on in herself, even if it was the pettiest of issues...she clearly needs to be the center of attention. It all makes me anxious, too, and often times frustrated because I feel that I can never get a word in and even if I do, it was not heard and is ignored. Keep taking it all in stride and you will be fine--you need not suffer on account of her personal struggles, and it's a shame that she is unable to spare you from it. No one's completely together, I suppose...even our mothers.
from comma-abuse :
I meant than. My left eye has been twitching for THREE DAYS. It's ridiculous.
from comma-abuse :
I would agree if I didn't find Johnny Depp really ugly. Don't shoot me for that. That's one of the things that's incredibly hard to practice. It's easier to be aware of what you do that to fix it. I'd still like to be nicest to look at, at least for him. *Laugh* But hugs for you. Creepy internet ones.
from comma-abuse :
The problematic part is that when it comes to The Boy, I don't just want to be enough. I want to be the best, in everything. Being "real" just makes me feel like people lower their standards. Does that make any sense? It's hard to not compare yourself to images when everyone else does, even subconsciously. I hate this form of insecurity. It makes me nauseas.
from bohemianlife :
This all sounds like wonderful fun - all the hanging with the band stuff!
from clarity25 :
I agree with the previous note on your status as indie rock girlfriend..hey she used German, cool! That must have been a very emotional experience for your Mother with her realizations in therapy. I wouldn't know what to say either. You want to say "it's okay, you were a good mom" to make her feel better and just put anything negative behind you and on the other hand, it could be the beginning of a really important, emotional and a life-changing conversation. That happened to my grandfather. But that's a long story, for an E-mail or an entry some day.
from mozangeles :
I bet you are the hottest indie rocker girlfriend ever. Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen... xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
I loved your "F'it and enjoy it" entry. What you wrote about Ke was so beautiful and so real! It made me smile, and think "Yes, exactly! that's it that's life! Everything she just described. THAT's perfection..and it's not even "Perfect", but it's everything you need. That's how I feel for Eric!" Congrats on your upcoming 5 year anniversary. Okay, I'm rambling, I'm too sick and pumped full of medicine to say anything coherent. Also I really like how you've been writing off the top of your head, just stream of consciousness! I think it's great:)
from tedslilangel :
As usual, you hit the nail on the head--often times we oblige people just to avoid being a burden and because we don't put enough merit into our own self-worth. Even to this day, and even though I'm in a position where I should be a bit more forward, I still take it all until it gets bottled up inside and I grow completely avoidant of those people who just don't understand and take advantage and force me to constantly be submissive and appeasing. I think what happens, though, is that we eventually just get so hurt, or so annoyed, that we start questioning it (as you were doing in your entry) and hopefully, we are able to change--I'm still working on that part. I hope that all turns out well for you this weekend, take care, -j
from o-r-they :
Thanks for the note vla. I am very fond of Myopic, I could spend hours and hours in there, you know? Hey, I really appreciated what you said in a recent entry, about raising our daughters differently. It struck me and I thought about it the rest of that day. Thanks!
from clarity25 :
The biggest mistake I ever made, was buying an expensive pair of jeans that were too small and trying to make my goal to fit into them. I tortured myself, I cried over it, I starved myself. I'll never forget it.. Every week I would try them on and They STILL didn't fit. After a year I threw them away. I think Jean shopping in general is the worst thing for self-esteem because all the sizes for different brands are so random..and so many jeans can make you look "bad" or "fat"..at least with three way mirrors. I understand what you're feeling. It's just a matter of being happy with yourself and not getting stuck in that rut. (yeah..easier SAID than done..believe me, I know!) I hope you feel better soon, Val:), love, Clarity
from ladiebug :
chickie, don't ever feel like you're invading my gb - you have given me so much insight and support lately that i can't even begin to tell you how much it affects me. i think it helps me mull over things, definitely see things from an outside perspective (heh, uh, duh), and... just kinda takes my thought processes to another level. thank you for that. and, as for your body issues... it's difficult to say anything that won't be hypocritical, so all i can say is that i relate. i know that this is beyond my place to say, but maybe the "other things" of it all is still... well, ke? as wonderful as he sounds, it just seems like you're more of the financial support and glue of getting by in life? i'm sorry, i feel lame for writing that, but... i don't know, sometimes it seems like that? k, i'm lame...
from ladiebug :
oops... sorry... when he said he was talking to dr, he was just joking. thanks for your note, though - yeah, i know 27 ain't nothing but a number... and trust me, you're definitely someone i role model off of career-wise. you just seem to really have your ish together in that department and i envy that! hugs and stuff, naners
from clarity25 :
Glad you get to stay in your current flat and get to avoid the stress of moving:). good news! Oh and I know what you mean about raising our daughters with a positive body image. It's going to be a challenge in our society, all you have to do is turn on the t.v., look at a billboard outside your window or pick up a magazine and you're already starting to feel bad about yourself. (sigh)
from comma-abuse :
Body image can be a tricky thing. I have serious issues with that. I can't eat ANYTHING without feeling guilty, and I know that if I didn't actively fight to not start certain habits and reactions, I could slip into an eating disorder any day. I have to directly tell myself to not try to starve myself or start doing the b/p thing and all these things. God knows sometimes I want to and I feel as if it may even be worth it. The sad part is that when you're so concerned with your body, it makes you feel as if you're less of a person for it. I actually count calories fairly strictly (was that an oxymoron?) and I'm not sure the limits I set are entirely healthy for a person my weight. They're not really extreme, though, I guess. I really know what you mean by your body wanting to be bigger than you want. I can live on salad and tofu and somehow still gain weight. My metabolism is awful. Awful! AND I'm short. Candy and stuff isn't even an option with the way my body works. I can't really imagine not watching what I eat. I'm ranting so much it hurts. I would have written earlier, but I've been in a sort of funk lately. Creepy internet hugs for you.
from clarity25 :
Hey, glad things are going awesome between you and Ke. "gangbusters" lol, I like that! His brother sounds so cool and his stories from his travels must be so fascinating. Drums, smoking and drinking! Congrats on your two published articles! Also, I could relate to what you said about your weight. I had alot of struggles in highschool with my eating..It followed me from 7th to 12th grade, and it was so hard to get out of it. I still have times when I fall into it. Sometimes a pair of jeans fitting too snug is the thing to set me off too. It's a difficult journey and hard to overcome. I hope you feel better. P.S. it sounds like staying in your current flat is the best option from what you described btw. Hope things are going well, and you you're having a good day!
from tedslilangel :
Hi! I read often, but don't write because you always seem to say what I've felt...anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope everything gets easier with regard to the eating/body image stuff. Like many people who read your diary, I've noticed, and many people on Diaryland in general, I have had my own issues with that stuff. In fact, last week, I had a 'fat' day too and I just felt awful the whole day. But, we get through it, right? Take care and thanks for always saying what I can never say. -J
from ladiebug :
everything you've been writing about lately regarding body image is exactly what i'm going through - from the freak out in bed to the wonderings of now since i feel big-boned and like my body wants to naturally be bigger... i never saw it in words til now, or rather, couldn't figure out what i was thinking, til i just read that. then - ding! that's what i was thinking! and while i thank you for verbalizing what i've been frustrated about trying to convey out, i'm also sorry that you have to think the same things. :/ take care, anna
from sanetwin :
I just got your note in my guestbook and I wanted to say thank you very much. It was awonderful thing to read to start my day.
from beautifulwoe :
I hope you get the promotion, and the raise!
from clarity25 :
That's a tough situation you described with Ke and the band. I know for Eric being an "art director" is a big part of his identity. We could move to a different job, where he wouldn't have the same "status" and "respect" (He would be on the bottom, in a cubicle, no big office..etc) but would make ALOT more money. Sometimes I think.."Wouldn't it be NICE to actually have some money..to put some away, to feel like we're actually GOING somewhere, moving forward?". I understand the feelings you expressed. Also, I know how frustrating it is to be the silent one with the C. situation, wanting to say everything you feel but knowing that you have to hold back and let Ke figure it out..otherwise you'll push him away. It's the SAME with Eric. He's complain a little about someone (Someone that is treating him wrong) and I'll say "Yea exactly and so and so is manipulative too!" and then he'll back up and start defending that person "now wait a minute..". So I just have to wait and hope Eric sees these things for himself. Men are stubborn in general. Okay, this is going to take up your mailbox, and none of this makes any sense..and I have no good advice. Well, I hope you have a good night, though. Thank you for your last note:).
from clarity25 :
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging note. that meant alot. Things are slowly getting better. P.S. My fingers are crossed for you concerning the promotion/Raise..good luck!
from inebriated :
congrats on the recommend and possibly elevation! that's exciting.
from clarity25 :
Seeing Britney Spears looking like crap..strangely brightened my day. Haha! In Germany we call that "Shadenfreude". You're new haircut sounds great, Do we get to see pics?:).
from mozangeles :
Christ, is that girl white trash or what?! She has nasty craters all over her face, too. It's probably from all the smoking (even though I smoked and never had that problem) and booze. YUCK! xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
Cool new template! Those links had me cracking up! I just woke up from a nightmare,couldn't fall back to sleep and found something to amuse me for 45 minutes. Now I'm ready to climb back into bed, Thanks!
from iamyourjune :
I like the new template--- :o)
from clarity25 :
"Here's your Valentines day umbrella" lol! Man, your last entry really made me wish I had American Cable. I'm so out of touch here in Germany. I don't even know about a show called "Carnivale"!
from clarity25 :
Thanks for your last note, I'm sorry for all the problems and frustration you had to deal with this week with Ke. All the emotions, confusion and sadness. I'm glad you both worked through it. Relationships can be so difficult and confusing sometimes.I was going through something similiar with Eric last week...It was so scary. It was just this awful distance I couldn't even describe. I wrote about it in todays entry. I also know what you mean about killer cramps. I hope your ear infection clears up fast. From one person that had an Ear infection from hell only a few weeks ago to another, Ear infections are just awful. Here's to you getting well soon, get lots of rest and I hope everything improves. -love, Clarity
from beautifulwoe :
girl, you know all of us d-land girls are on it bad this week and you had to join us. thank you thank you for my card! squee!!!
from ladiebug :
i wish i could write something insightful about the situation, but i sort of can't. i guess it's kind of confusing, though, because when he's gone you seem unhappy and when he's here you seem unhappy (at least what with the goings-ons of day-to-day stuff), but then, you're happy when you sort of... hrm... like "think" about the situation or see the grand scale? which, i guess is the important thing, but when the day to day stuff starts adding up... i don't know, i don't think i'm making sense. but... i hope things smooth over soon. love, anna
from elabee :
I wish I had a neat little solution to send you. Instead I just have empathy because I am more or less going through the same fucking thing right now. It just sucks. -LB
from clarity25 :
Oh wow..I was going to write about how I understand your frustration with Ke and how I hope you feel better..But now I can only gush about how hot that guy is. I'm all distracted.. I just got finished looking at the hot guys in Bathtubs over at Bohemianlife's journal and now there's yet MORE eyecandy! lol
from ladiebug :
HOT!! insert drool here... thank you SO much for making my day already!
from bohemianlife :
I have to agree with the previous notes...you are so cute. And the picture of that guy would make anybody feel better....makes my day that's for sure!
from clarity25 :
You are beautiful! I love your hair-style too:). It's always nice to put a face to a journal! When you described your feelings when you watched Ke playing on stage, it just showed the intensity of your love and your understanding towards him. That connection. I got exactly what you were saying! I think that's really wonderful, He's blessed to have you in his life! (does that sound corny? You know what I mean!) have a good day!
from elabee :
You are lovely! Weird - you look exactly the same as I thought you would!
from jumblygiant :
Ah! Pics of VLA!! You're gorgeous!! Even if you do think your camera is crappy, it can't hide that! Wow, that was a lot of exclamation points.
from ladiebug :
pretty eyes, now more, more! greedily yours, l.bug
from mozangeles :
You are such a vision of loveliness, and a wonderfully supportive gf! xoxo - me
from comma-abuse :
KITTY! I wish I could give you a nice camera, but I'm beyond broke. My best wishes to you, and many many good vibes and things.
from ladiebug :
you have to be one of the most understanding and patient friends that i've got going for me lately... i am so thankful to have you in my life.
from clarity25 :
OMG, what a cute kitten! I like the new pictures! Post more..Maybe you and Ke? Hope you have a good weekend!
from elabee :
Pictures! Hooray!
from mozangeles :
Yay! I want to see a picture of your loveliness - and Ke's! xoxo - me
from clarity25 :
Sorry things are so hard right now, I can really feel for you in your situation and totally understand your sadness and frustration! I know I don't have the right words to make it all better, but just know that you're in my thoughts. -sincerely,Clarity
from ladiebug :
i'm sorry to hear about all the things going on with ke... i honestly have no advice since i don't know what that situation would be like, but just know that i'm listening and here and i hope that you don't b/p. :/
from evildilara :
I'm sorry things are sucking for you and I know how hard it is to struggle with an e/d. It's all about power and control, and once you can find a way to overpower it, you will be back on track with things. Take it one day at a time. I'm thinking about you.
from happydiary :
It makes a lot of sense to not want to let go of your ed. If you think about it, it's like a child's blankie. You need it for comfort, security, etc. and you know they need to givr it up. It's just so hard to take the leap into the unknown without something there to catch your fall. But hey, your ED will always be there to catch you if you need it. You can always go back, get sick, play hospital games, or you can take the risk, let it go, allow yourself to feel when things are bad and when things are good. Allow yourself to live. Rock on Vla!! -Dani
from clarity25 :
Why don't you go ahead and get a little dog? I know the feeling of wanting a pet, I have a strong desire for a cat, but we're not allowed to have animals in our apartment building, plus I have a pet cat back home in NY That I miss terribly. But even if I was allowed to have any pets here, I still couldn't keep "Michael" in our apartment because there are no screens on the windows and My cat would leap out and plummet to his death the minute he got a chance. Thank you for your last note, I'm feeling a bit better this morning, my hearing has returned:). As for your question about Germany and the wives cooking..it actually inspired me to write an entry about just that topic. I hope you don't mind if I quote you in my journal:) Your question just really made me think about woman's roles traditionally as wives and our place in society..etc. Things ARE a bit different in Germany and the wives DO always cook for the guests. I think I feel pressure to live up to those standards..anyhow,Have a good day! -Sincerely,Clarity
from clarity25 :
That must be hard, to be away from the person you love so deeply and to feel that inkling of insecurity, wondering about what they're doing and who they're with. I know this feeling to an extent because my first serious boyfriend was bass guitarist in a band, They had a lot of groupie girls that would surround the stage. Some of them winking and flashing the band members. Afterwards they flirted and sometimes bought them drinks. It bothered me and I couldn't shake that fear in my stomach that he was attracted to them, wondering about it when I couldn't attend his shows. it drove me crazy, even though I knew I could trust him. That's so hard. I can truly relate. Also I know what you mean about control in relationship. it seems like in all the ones I see, there is always the one that holds the reigns and the one that follows. With Eric and I it alternates. I see us as equals, but sometimes there IS a powerstruggle. I think it's that way in every relationship. Eric is older, so alot of times I let him have the steering wheel. Anyhow, I'm rambling. i just hope you feel better, I'm sorry to hear that you're sick too. take care of you - Sincerely, Clarity
from kneesocks :
god - you know i completely identify with the boy on tour & not missing him anymore thing. . .i feel for you. it will get better though. i'm sorry about the DL/LJ drama - if youre ever bored you should start an lj account - its free and you dont even have to write in it, just let me know who you are on there & i'll add you to my friends list & then you can still read everything. i actually have a special friends list too for dland peeps - its got the real stuff in it as opposed to the fluff that i publicly post.
from clarity25 :
It's amazing how a package from a friend can completely brighten your day and make you smile. It's the same with me!
from clarity25 :
Hey, thanks for your note, I agree with what you said giving over your heart to someone is scary, leaving yourself vulnerable to be hurt but also can be so intense and beautiful. That's really what life is all about:). I recently saw both "before Sunset" and "Before sunrise" a month or so ago, not only did I love both films, but I wrote about it too! See: http://clarity25.diaryland.com/thong.html . I agree however, Ethan Hawke DID look a little bit strung out and heroin-addicted in the second one, but his character was so strong.. you could look past it. You should see "Great Expectations", He's amazing in that one too. I'm glad to hear Ke had a great show. Btw, I read mostly female D-landers and agree that alot of them have amazing talent, should be writers. You know, if you have the drive to free-lance in writing, you should go for it. Regardless of the fact that you're female. I know how you feel though. I also can't read alot of female modern literature because it's just so silly. But Jane Austen is great, if you like classics. It's an interesting historical study on woman's role in society in the 1800's. Hope you have a good night!
from bohemianlife :
that's such an interesting thing...i read mostly women here on diaryland too...but i know what you mean, i can't even fathom reading any of those chick lit books. i think when you want to read women authors you have to go way back...retro reading. but i think it's a very interesting question.
from ramble-on :
That sounds like a sweet thing, glad you enjoyed it =0) Just remember, you SAW the pretty parts of Wyoming up by Jellystone. That's about it. The majority of the state is flat prairie land, with the exception of Laramie. I lived there most of my life, Wyoming has weird seasons and is very windy most of the time due to lack of trees. Not so cold, really friggin cold, your toes are going to fall off cold, hot dry heat, with an occassional cold day thrown in there too. I met my man there (he's from Laramie), love him with ALL of my heart, would do just about anything for him....except move back there. I compromised and told him I would move to Colorado instead. I told him I needed a neighbor and a couple of trees within a 20 mile radius ;) Hope all goes well!
from clarity25 :
Your description of your memories together in Wyoming sound so beautiful:). I'm sorry that you're feeling so down, I know it must be hard. I also understand your desire to stay in and just be alone. I have times like that too, particularly lately. I also know what you mean about "not feeling cute", I hate that feeling. It's just.."ugh". I hope your weekend improves, sending postive thoughts your way!:)
from bohemianlife :
thanks so much for the note and I am not sure about the site viewing thing. nobody else has mentioned it, so i can only guess perhpas it is your browser....not sure. But thank you for the note regardless...anyone who makes that much effort to read my drivel is amazing in my book!
from clarity25 :
I really feel for you in this situation, I would be aching inside too if Eric left me to go on tour too. That's hard:(. Your description of waking up in the morning, the band members walking around, the tidbits of conversations and the desire to go with them was so vivid, I felt like I was there. I hope you feel better, I wish I had the right comforting words, but just know that I can sympathize with the feelings you expressed.
from evildilara :
Thanks for the note. I don't think my vet does that procedure at home. The clinic is just right down the street so it isn't a long drive or anything. I already picked out his urn and stuff. They said that if he is having a good day on Friday and I change my mind, that's fine. But I know in my heart of hearts it will be the day.
from lizabee :
Thanks for the nice note. I have a Nikon Coolpix 3200. I'm not all that knowledgeable as far as cameras go, but it's pretty easy to use - and I did finally get a gold membership. Yay pictures.
from evildilara :
Don't be so hard on yourself. People make mistakes. Take care.
from useafork :
oh, everything is fine. we are still getting house. im just feeling a little private for a while. but i'll unlock or give a password soon! thanks though!
from clarity25 :
It's always hard losing a pet, I know I've been through it. I'm sorry to hear about your sister's dog passing away, but don't beat yourself up for missing her call. That doesn't make you a horrible sister:)
from comma-abuse :
Oh, and the reason I was so cranky? Same as your crying. It is a stupid thing being us, eh?
from comma-abuse :
Boys are absolutely wonderful when it's the right one. The Boy fixes me all the time, in the weirdest ways, and I look back and go "what? How did you do that?"
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry that you're going to have to move again, I know how stressful moves can be. Especially if it feels like a downgrade, I know I would be crying too from the stress ahead of me. But try to see it as an adventure. I've moved alot in my life.. and it was hard going from a big house in florida to a little apartment in cold gray Germany. But decorating the new environment once all the boxes are moved is fun, painting and such. I'm sorry about your period being late, but my period was 9 days late and it was okay:)! I also relate with what you said about your diary being a sacred place and requesting your family and friends that stumble on it to not read the contents and respect that. I should write a similiar entry, because I'm pretty sure there are a few people reading it that I don't want to. Hope your weekend improves and you feel better:)
from evildilara :
Marlowe (aka the scholar) has had better days. His appetite could be better. He is really thin so whatever he wants to eat, he gets. For instance, last night I put him in the bathroom with a can of tuna fish (so Carl wouldn't try to eat his food) for 15 minutes. The old Marlowe would have slammed down the can and asked for more. But last night he picked at it a bit and wanted out. I give him cheese, milk, chicken, doritos, whatever he wants. Tomorrow is his check-up. I am afraid to see how much he weighs. It is very sad. He isn't in pain or uncomfortable, he's just not hungry. My vet told me a story about an old dog who couldn't see and could barely walk, but everyday the dog would go outside to his dog house and lay outside in the sun. He figured that even though the dog was old and blind, he was still enjoying life because he would go out and lay in the sun. One day, the dog didn't want to go lay out in the sun and that's when he knew the dog had to be put down. So I guess my duty is to find out what is Marlowe's "sun" and when he stops enjoying it, it will be time to put him down. Thanks so much for your nice words and notes, it really helps me. Some of my closest friends have trouble understanding what I'm going through and they are right here next to me. It's a comfort to know that a complete stranger can comprehend this. Thanks so much.
from evildilara :
I know what you mean about your diary being a sacred space. A few people once found mine and I locked it for about a month and then finally unlocked it again. Having an online diary puts you in a position of vunerability. At first I was really uptight and not writing too much about anything that mattered; I would just list a daily smattering of events. Nothing about how I felt or what I thought. Now I feel that I am writing about things that matter and how I feel, and I feel better. And if people want to eavsdrop into my life, go ahead. If there is something bad written in there about them then they deserve to read it because they're asking for it. Like how Galaxy's diary was found out. He was LOOKING for bad news. And sometimes when people look for bad news, they will find it. Sobeit. And if you ever lock your diary, just promise me I'll get the password!
from clarity25 :
Thanks so much for the compliment on my sketch, and I'm glad you could relate to what I wrote and it helped! Your entry today had me worried for your Mom! What a stressful pregnancy. I have to confess, that if I wasn't afraid of getting pregnant before..I am now!:). I'm glad you were both okay!
from mozangeles :
Your most recent entry was pure brilliance. You should write a novel. xoxo - me
from comma-abuse :
Just wanted to say that your comment made me happy. Share a white chocolate mocha?
from lizabee :
By the way- I stalk your favorites list as well.
from lizabee :
I am so excited about the new Murakami book. I just read the Wind Up Bird Chronicle and LOVED it.
from evildilara :
Did you try the vanilla-on-the-cat trick yet? How did it fare?
from clarity25 :
P.S. I just got your note! I'm sorry..I didn't mean to make your brain hurt! :), I hope you feel better soon!
from clarity25 :
Hey, thanks for doing the survey! some of the answers had me laughing:). I hope things work out with you and your loved one. Maybe the time apart will help you sort things out. You're in my thoughts.. love, Clarity
from mozangeles :
Hmm...ok. How about we make a deal? I quit smoking on New Year's Eve. How about I get to have a cigarette everytime you b/p? Of course, the boyfriend would kill me, and I am half-joking (because I probably wouldn't keep to this deal), but I think it's an even trade. Whaddya say? xoxo - me
from evildilara :
Not only is Napoleon Dynamite a fantastic movie, it has a fantastic soundtrack. I can't decide who is cooler; Uncle Rico or Pedro. Both have kick ass moustaches. Go watch it now!
from clarity25 :
All I've been hearing about lately is "napoleon dynamite", I have no idea what this film is about..it hasn't arrived yet in Germany. But I'm ALREADY dying to see it. Garden state is another thing I'm curious about. God, I'm so out of touch all the way over here in Germany. I hope your stomach feels better, if the pain continues you should really have it checked out.:)
from kneesocks :
have fun dealing with your unborn retarded child & feel better!!
from clarity25 :
Thank you so much for your last note. I was feeling really in the dumps, it really helped. I hope you feel better soon, I know how getting over a sickness can affect your mood. I always get so depressed when I'm ill. It's something about not being able to do anything and feeling like you're just sitting around..everything becomes so overwhelming. Get well soon
from evildilara :
I swear I am not a crazy cat lady but I have some cat advice. Get some vanilla extract, rub it on your hands and rub your hands onto each cat's butt and head. Go up to each cat like you're petting it, just make sure you rub vanilla on your hands first and get vanilla on them. Then put the cats in a room together under your supervision. When they go to smell each other, they will realize "HEY, we smell the SAME...so maybe you aren't that bad" and they will kiss and make up. This is a technique my vet AND someone at the shelter told me to do when introducing a new cat into the household. But Carl and Marlowe get along just fine so it wasn't needed. But give it a go and see how it works. It's worth a shot. And the best thing is when you go to pet your cat next, she will smell like cookies.
from irishblueyes :
Thank you so much!
from happydiary :
Thanks for all your positivity. Here's hoping it rubs off. Oh, and don't take this the wrong way but you and Ke sound soooooo cute together. Ahhhhh! Hugs, Dani
from clarity25 :
Your New Years sounded wonderful, and I know what you mean about the New Years kiss. It's always so intense and beautiful..sick or not. :) Bands seperating are always complex and dramatic. I hope Ke finds what he's looking for, and something good happens for him. Life has a way of presenting opportunities in the least likely places, so you never know:)
from stereogirl :
Happy New Year! I hope ke can find someone good & non-passive aggressive to work with musically. Obviously I don't know what ke can do, but it sounds like he's damn talented and he deserves better. Best of luck to both of you for 2005!
from clarity25 :
Hey!! Your entry title had me cracking up! I'm so glad you had fun on New Years and your mood is high! Happy New Years!! I just woke up here in Germany..and my vision is double, my head is pounding and I'm hung over..I ended up partying after all..(yeah, big surprise) Man, I'm going to paying for this for a while..But I'm happy too! It's a new year!!!
from vla :
ha! I'm leaving myself a note because this isn't worth a whole entry, but I want to document this thought. New year's resolutions are retarded, but I was skimming a few of my entries, and holy *fuck* do I use the words: fucking, fucking and fucked a lot. Perhaps, I am willing to admit, too much. So my "New Year's resolution" of sorts is to tone that the fuck down. Oops. Starting riiiiiight now.
from clarity25 :
She asked your boss while he was printing "How do you want to DIE?" lol!! what kind of documentary is she making exactly. I know what you mean about all the deaths right now and devastation. It's so horrible and it makes us realize how blessed we are. My heart goes out to all those people suffering right now. It's the worst natural disaster I have heard of in my lifetime.
from clarity25 :
I know what you mean, It sucks to be back at work. I wish I had the week off. ugh. I'm glad your x-mas was good and lacking stress. Have fun on your further christmas celebration on Thursday!
from clarity25 :
I really understood the entry you wrote when you were feeling down. We all have days like that, when everything is so overwhelming and annoying. When you need your space and you feel like you can't make small talk. I know exactly what you mean. Especially with all the stress of the holiday season. Oh as for COLD WEATHER..you should try Germany on for size! :). Hope you have a good holiday and Merry Christmas!
from clarity25 :
Thanks so much for your last note. Congrats on your guy quitting smoking, that's a hard thing to do. He'll probably be crabby for a while.. but it's worth it. Also I can relate to your money woes and that's great news about the check from your grandparent. Gifts like that always are helpful and relieve stress:). Hope you're having a great weekend.
from mozangeles :
It's a very personal choice, but I am very biased after being there [Firenze] for two years studying Dante. I prefer most places in Europe to the U.S. anyway, though. :) xoxo - me
from mozangeles :
Screw Paris! Firenze is the way to go. I lived there for two years. Very romantic and VERY beautiful. BTW - you're a fan of Milan Kundera? I heart you. xoxo - me
from evildilara :
I hear you loud and clear on the "no holiday plans" thing. My old drummer always had a New Year's party and some other sort of holiday gathering. Now there is a group of about 20 of us who are emailing one another asking, "What are you doing for New Year's?" because our drummer lives in Arizona now and he was the person to always throw the soirees. Ssssssuck. But even if it is just me, Sean and a bottle of cheap wine with Marms curled at my feet it's a good thing. I mean, after all, they say the people you spend New Year's with are the ones you will spend the rest of the year with...
from limes-sugar :
HI VLA!!! Thank you so much for your kind words! I always get so excited to hear from you. I have been reading about you/ke...and, you know...money is SUCH a weird topic. Sam and I fight about it sometimes, and it' so .....awkward. blech. Also, I will admit something to you only ;) -- I tend to be the one in my relationship to 'not hold up my end of the bargain.' I tend to not do things I promised Sam I would do..etc. And let me say this-- I lOOOOOOVE sam...I just am kind of a shit sometimes! Keep in touch! Happy holiday! Love Limes
from clarity25 :
I'm sorry the relationship problems you've been going through lately, I hope things work out. I know that feeling of being lost you were describing. Also, I've been getting that "Drama-queeny" sensation in my own writing. I listen to myself and I'm like "jesus, what next?!". Maybe I'll just write about sweater lint and snowflakes for a while . I don't want people to start feeling pity for me. But than again it's my diary. Anyhow, I know where you're coming from. Also, I have fallen on the treadmill in a similiar fashion myself (lol!). So you're not alone!
from useafork :
welcome to the thunderdome! damn those idiot boyfriends who wont communicate and always have goddamn band practice and who are depressed and crazy and dirty and wont go to the doctor or the dentist. fuck em. not in the sense lose em. but fuck em. but heres the real thing I wanted to say: I think I love you biatch! e/ds or panic or all the fucked up things we have ( and how original that god or the devil has to make it so diverse, unlike most things in life, but oh so common among us), we are all having those thoughts that you have about yours and about you and you are never, ever alone in this ugly fucking game.
from evildilara :
vla...my heart goes out to you. I was in a relationship with an artist who was selfish and unresponsive to my feelings. And like you, I had an eating disorder while we were dating. It just gave me something to control because everything else I had, he held the reigns to it. So I totally understand where you're at. The last few weeks of my relationship with EvilAndrew, I kept repeating to myself, "Something's gonna give" over and over again until I realized if anything was going to happen in the relationship--good or bad--it was going to happen because I initiated it. Take that for what it's worth. I'll be thinking of you!
from kneesocks :
hey - my new username and password is sarah and iscool - fyi!. xoxo -h
from useafork :
oh yeah. im marrying an artist, and boy howdy, do it suck. but just think about how we will be like those bad actors in the jackson pollock movie and at least our men wont splatter b honk all over and we will be soooo much hotter than that chick who played ed harris' wife. because she was stupid looking. please. i could do beatnik better than that.
from useafork :
one day you were that guy who was born. and we all liked you and everybody ate peanut butter and the lord rejoiced. i personally rejoiced because there was a girl in the world who was bitter yet smart and productive and when i read her words it made me feel better about this dumb mid twenties life. whoo! im drinking a whiskey for you right now baby!
from mozangeles :
Happy Belated Birthday! Also, thank you for wishing me luck on the interview! :) xoxo - me
from evildilara :
I used to date an artist so I understand the financial strain it can put on things...especially the relationship. I hope things work out. The good news is, if he keeps at it with passion and fury, it will eventually pan out. My ex-boyfriend (the artist) is now making some pretty fat bank by selling merchandise with his art on it and creating gig posters. And my current boyfriend (the one in a band) has been playing with his group for about 3 years now and they are just starting to really get notariety. So just be supportive, tell him to stick it out if he really loves it and just be yourself. That's all he probably really needs from you; even more than money.
from clarity25 :
First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I caught up with all your older entries I missed while I was away. Too much to comment on, but I can relate to your frustration with your b-friend's financial problems. (damn artists..lol) I guess because I know what it's like and it is a bummer to be worrying about money all the time. Debt is awful too. I understand why you want him to quit the band and find something that makes him more money. It'll probably all happen in good time, you have the right perspective though. you sound like a wonderful and loving girlfriend:). Glad to hear your plumbing problem got fixed up and that episode of sex in the city you described is my favorite one. "hot child in the city..running wild and looking pretty..". Hope you're having a good day..
from evildilara :
Happy Birthday!
from useafork :
I very well could have broken out in hives, but i think i already went through phase one of my cold feet/what the hell am i doing getting married thing. I detached myself from the fact that I was actually getting married in the dress and that made it easier to pick. Plus, its only a damn dress. Or so I tell myself...
from fridayfilms :
Erg. I know what you mean about the brain injury thing. My mother once praised me for dialing the phone, like, really fast. "Wow, are you EVER fast at that!" Yes mother, it's taken years of practise, but I think I've finally mastered the telephone. Happy birdseed, btw.
from stereogirl :
Damn. I wish you lived here, I would gladly let you stay. I hope you find a place soon! Hugs...
from kneesocks :
13. everclear. oklahoma. eeeew.
from galaxyrabbit :
i would absolutely see them (tv on the radio) live, if they were playing near me.
from useafork :
Damn. Jewel. I totally forgot about Jewels. And Osco. And Venture. Nobody makes a generic grocery like the midwest. What ever happened to Venture? Is it still around? not that you would ever go, Im sure, because they are ghetto and grosos, but I remember going there to buy velcro shoes when I was like five. Damn.
from stereogirl :
Monday's child here. I don't think I'm fair of face - friendly of face is more like it. Or so I hear. I feel like it's been Friday all week this week...
from evildilara :
thanks for the nice note
from useafork :
oooh. an interview! how snazzy! Ive been wondering what the hell you do for a living, and Im thinking you may be a writer or an editor or something. so tittalating. did i spell that right? either way its a sweet word. good for you that it went well!
from iamyourjune :
i can totally relate. people used to be like, "oh you've lost so much weight! you're looking good! how have you done it? excersise or changing eating habits?" so uncomfortable.
from flowerflee :
I really like your Diary.: )keep on writing!:D
from clarity25 :
yep Cacophony! An old cat CAN learn new tricks. Thanks for the compliment on my painting. Oh and I loved your description of "the ny girl" I'm also intimidated by girls that dress perfectly like that! I hope you do snag the writing assignment for the magazine. Fingers crossed.
from clarity25 :
Thanks for adding me as a favorite:), I can understand why you'd be nervous about meeting a DL member. I would be too. I actually talked with someone from DL for the first time last week on the phone. I was surprised how comfortable and easy it was. P.S. I really like your diary!
from clarity25 :
I relate, I feel pretty sick myself.
from kneesocks :
haha - good to know i did the right thing. its a big decision & any support i can get is appreciated. most of our mutual friends here are less than thrilled with me right now. thanks for the note!! have a RAD day! xo-h
from fridayfilms :
If you can pull off young Jodi Foster, DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND SCARY! She was hott in Taxi Driver (in a sad, creepy way). I wanna be young Jodi Foster.
from kneesocks :
hi! email me at lesslethargic at msn.com for my new password. xo h
from lizabee :
Lithuanians unite! I hardly ever encounter other Lithuanians - I'm only a quarter too (paternal grandfather, so my last name is Lithuanian) but apparently my features are typical of that part of the world. Obviously, I am bored this afternoon too.
from mozangeles :
i'm so sad for you. :( let's make sad mushy sandwiches and roll in them. yay! ok, on a serious note, i had an e/d once...but it was overreating (went to group therapy, blah blah)...and i still struggle with this everyday. it's good to know there are people out there who understand. i'm here for ya. xoxo, me
from happydiary :
Hey thanks so much for your note! This lady wasn't my T she was a psychiatrist that my T referred me to. You're right though about going through lots to find a good one. Too bad nothings easy! Thanks so much for your support! -Dani
from fridayfilms :
Anywhere you'd want to visit around here is at least a 3 hour drive, so that's actually a pretty standard period of road time for me. BTW - Since we're obviously not going to be at the same haloween party, might I suggest a costume that I will also be wearing? Buy a pair of black wings, a headband with black antanae, and wear it all over a little cocktail dress - instant cutie bug.
from fridayfilms :
Damn. If I can't visit Chicago girls, I don't think I want to go to the U of I. The writer who suggested it has never actually been there herself, so thank you for your honest assessment of the place. Maybe I need to talk to more students who've attended some of the writing classes there, just to see what it's like these days.
from fridayfilms :
If you want another good Toby Litt book, try his small anthology of short stories. I think it's called Adventures in Capitalism. I loved this book too, maybe even more so than deadkidsongs.
from useafork :
Hee! I still get scared when I go home and I hear my parents talking downstairs, especially when I just wake up. It because when I was always in trouble I could hear them arguing about me or what I did, so I'm like super Pavlovian about the whole thing still. Anyhoo - house stuff is still in the works. We're sure we're going to buy, we just need to find a little bigger of a loan. But Im excited either way! Thanks for inquiring!
from useafork :
i couldnt deal with bags anymore - we went bagless. THATS how lazy I have become!!!!
from stereogirl :
The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm may be of some help to you now - it's a great book anyway. Wish I could write you email, but that's it for now. Hugs!
from luvabeans :
you know how to find me if you want to hop the el and get wasted sometime.
from useafork :
oh my gosh - were you guys engaged? anyway - i so hope everything works out! It may work out for you guys yet - nothing is ever perfect. especially after years, but if your heart feels its wrong, then it might just be. anyway, i hope you are well and its good youre writing... isnt that what these dumb diaries are for?
from fridayfilms :
I'm so glad you enjoy the book! It's one of my favorites.
from mozangeles :
aw, you mentioned me. i heart you. i really do hope things work out for you and ke, as much as you are making him to be quite the detestable creature. ::Grrr:: just know this - (and sadly, i speak from experience) you can't change chemically imbalanced people (i hope i am right - you did mention he was depressed?) - i tried that with this hot british bloke i met and me being ms. therapist lasted us 2 months - but either way, if things do not work out, i will gladly "end" him for you, as previously stated. heh. xoxo, me
from luvabeans :
how scary this must be, lady. i admire your attempt to think clearly while your world is shaking.
from mozangeles :
i'll "end" him for you if you want. >:) xoxo, me
from fridayfilms :
You are NOT overreacting. While his past transgression should not be lorded over him (and don't worry, I don't think you are) it still factors into everything else now, like it or not. There is no reason for a man who is in a committed relationship to call another woman at 1:30 in the morning for "no reason." It's as simple as that. If he feels like a shit for what he's done to you in the past, that is neither your problem nor your fault, and you're not the one who has to answer for what his actions. I understand exactly the position you're in, and it's not an easy one. Basically you need for Ke to be on your side about this, because otherwise, you're going to find it very difficult to trust him from now on. If he wants to marry you, it's in his best interest that you trust him. So armed with that, it should be easy to hack through all his rhetoric. He acted inappropriately, and if he wants to move forward, he's going to have to be honest with himself and with you about it. No two ways about it. Good luck, sweetie.
from limes-sugar :
OHHH V...I really swore not to give any unsolicited advice. I will just say one thing-- his getting angry at you for getting angry at him AND his 'i don't get it' seem like usual and common boy-tactics. Boy tactics used when one is guilty feeling (whether or not that guilt is backed by doing something actually 'wrong.') It could be guilt from misbehaving or guilt from getting busted or guilt from just doing something that inadvertently made you feel bad. Love, Limes
from lizabee :
Everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I'm kind of in the same boat as you. I've been living with my boyfriend for three years, and I'm at the point where we need to make a decision about what happens next. It sucks, but you aren't alone. You'll get through it.
from stereogirl :
There is a limit to tolerating someone's behaving like an ass - you've known ke long enough to be able to weigh the good and the bad, and that's what I think you should do. If you think you can have a discussion with him where you both explain how you feel without either of you criticizing the other - just listening and taking turns talking - that would be good, but I don't know if it's possible, just now. Being engaged is like walking a damn tightrope - marriage being at the other end - and you both have to be going in the same direction. And don't mind crying. It's good for you, chemically. Sorry about the lack of a book - I have a v. nice copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude here, I'd send it to you, if you like. Hugs!
from luvabeans :
oh, darlin'. i'm so sorry. really, you'll figure it out.
from useafork :
Im sorry. Fights suck SO bad. Thats all. I know how that feels - that kind of crying. I hope you feel better!
from useafork :
Oh man. Have I gone through this one? You betcha. Dredging up the past, all the time, and creating strife in the present. Its always one that instigates it and then the other party is dragged down. You'll get through it, because at least it seems like you are honest to a degree with each other about your imperfections. Many couples, including myself, have a half that gets uncomfortable about the other's misery and doesnt communicate about it, and thats when shit gets really messy because not only is there strife about shit thats unchangeable (because it is. the past is done and their aint a damn thing he can do about it) but there is lack of communication about what is causing those feelings. Ok - sorry. Ramble. But the bottom line is - arguing = good. Because its productive. And it purges shit (sorry I couldn't resist the pun. Please dont kill me.) that has been bothering both of you. And thats hard. But in the end, its good. How long have you folks been together? Because it seems to me the third or fourth year is the worst. Thats just from my stupid experience.
from stereogirl :
I think your suggestion to him - looking back is pointless - is pretty much true, unless he is willing to look back and then figure out what went wrong and then think about ways to improve his outlook and behaviors so he can learn from the past & not just wallow in it. I hope this helps, and I hope he understands you're trying to help him and not being critical...
from fridayfilms :
I'm so sorry about your sister's dog. WTF is it with dying pets lately? In my little world alone, three beloved pets have died this past year. It makes me want to burry my head under the covers and hide until the end of the world. Sorry, that was dramatic. It really does suck though, when something so faultless as a dog or a cat gets incureably sick. It's sad, but don't wait too long to put her down, because it's more hellish for all parties involved, especially the animal (trust me).
from happydiary :
Speaking of the real world, one of my housemates met Landon because he went to Madison (where I go) and she said he was way cuter in person. Personally, I think they're all ugly this year. As for the not B/Ping, congrats, that's absoultely amazing. Keep it up. -Dani
from blueeyesblue :
Valerie, I apologize profusely for slamming copy-editors. I've come off a couple of weeks where I've been getting slammed by readers for typos, etc., that I'm not responsible for and it was really pissing me off. I should have been more sensitive to what a blanket slam would mean to you and other people who are editors. I'm really sorry. It's not you or copy-editors in general I was slamming, really; I'm just sick of getting yelled at by readers for something I didn't do and not being able to blame the person responsible (obviously; I just write nice placating responses about "our mistakes" and seethe) M
from happydiary :
You know, some would consider lying another facet of dreams and wishes. Is it wrong to wish in your diary? hmmm...Yup, me and the old greeks. But anyway, I totally understand the whole accountability thing about DL. If I scream and no one's around to hear it, did I make a sound? Well on DL, people hear. I hear you sweetie. Hugs, Dani
from useafork :
you know - i think its truly different strokes for different folks. don't let what anyone has gone through scare you. my best friend was on zoloft for ten years and weaned off - no problem. then you have me, whos like a junkie. its all relavant, and you'll never know what works until you try some different stuff.
from useafork :
well - i had SUPER bad panic/anxiety attacks my last semester of college and the stupid doctor gave me xanax. which works like a dream until you try to get off of it, which is then serious hell. I mean like heroin withdrawal hell. not that i know. but now im on klonopin (very little - like .5 mg a day) and that has helped me wean completely off the xanax but now I get to wean off the klonopin - hooray! So needless to say, I'm not a big believer in meds anymore. But klonopin has been a dream to get off compared to the evil xanax. i guess what im trying to say, is that yeah, they all worked, but by the time i had worked through some shit on my own the meds were fucking me up more than helping because of the withdrawals. sorry, thats like a fucking novel. you can delete this if you want. I'm not the most educated about e/d's but I know PLENTY about panic attacks and rabid sleeplessness if you ever have questions, or just want to vent.
from useafork :
good idea on not reading the online horror stories - effexor made me really sick and although researching what the hell it was online helped, the horror stories did not. As somebody who hasnt slept right since 1992, I've battled with pretty much every med you can think of for insomnia - so whatever you are going through, trust me, theres millions of us out there going through some form of the crazies, the impulsies, the freaky-deakys, the no sleepies, and the pukies. I've done all five at the same time I think!
from useafork :
dude - I waited and waited for six feet under on sunday - but alas, no dice. fucking stupid skewed season finale schedules.
from ladiebug :
reading that, i couldn't help but internally pleading 'no, no, please no, no'... i know i'm not one to talk, but it just hurts to see other people i care about in that mindset...
from useafork :
youre cute.
from useafork :
way to take me off your favorites. sweet. real sweet.
from galaxyrabbit :
i use my fingers for eyemakeup. brushes make it look too neat and the worst thing in the world is makeup that looks airbrushed on. messy is better. hence, fingers.
from stereogirl :
Those all sound like good books to me, though I haven't read any of them I did read Vertigo Park, which I think is by one of those authors. Every time I see Bel Canto I want to read it, the cover's so pretty.
from stereogirl :
Hey! I'm reading To The Wedding right now, I also have his Selected Essays too. I've never read T. C. Boyle, is he good?
from stereogirl :
Hi! Thanks for adding me to your list - I've done the same. Hornby is really hit & miss, I want to read Fever Pitch - I did read High Fidelity and liked it. However I seem to be caught in the swirling vortex of John Berger right now, so...
from galaxyrabbit :
calvin klein's cream eyeshadows are so amazing, and i'm sad the line is dead now, but i think the eyeshadows will last until i'm dead so there's not much to be sad about. on one of my old diaries i had your template! when i came here i was transported in time!
from fridayfilms :
Oh, BTW, I'm actually rereading Wind-Up Bird for the second time. I had read it almost ten years ago and I am under the distinct impression that I never really finished it. I tend not to finish the ends of Murakami novels for some strange reason. Not so with Sputnik Sweetheart. That's another one you should read if you haven't already (although I see you've listed Murakami as a favorite, so probably you have).
from fridayfilms :
Okay, you asked for it. If you want a book that pulls you in completely, try and get your hands on one called House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski. It's mostly out of print, but you may be able to still find it in your end of the world. Also, there are two books by Toby Litt which definately qualify as "only one book on a desert island" books - one is called Deadkidsongs and the other is called Adventures in Capitalism (a book of short stories and not at all boring as the title might suggest). Have you read any Nicholson Baker? You should definately pick up a copy of The Everlasting Story of Nory, which is funny, touching, and good comfort reading. His newest work, A Box of Matches, is good for someone who needs to appreciate the art of being alone in one's head a bit more (I certainly do at times). I could go on, so if you require more suggestions, don't hesitate to ask and I will email you a list.
from willrap4food :
hey, i dunno u, but u like dope shiat ie; music, movies
from smallhanded :
Just saw you left me note...It may have been awhile ago...I'm not sure. In any case, I'd be happy to pass along my password. Is there an email address I can send to? Let me know... xoxo
from inebriated :
post script. i love murakami, wind up bird is the best. fuckin living in a well to think, i *get* that. and catpower is sticky rich like the brownie i just ate, minus the i now would like to throw up sensations.
from laura-diane :
un: diaryland pw: password -- thanks for asking.
from fridayfilms :
A flirty little girl who used to work with P bought him Middlesex for Christmas. Who buys expensive hard-cover books for office mates? I tell you. But I read it and enjoyed it immensely, nonetheless.
from fridayfilms :
Is Ke the artist? Have you thought of showcasing some of his work on your/another site? Because P and I are always looking for new (and moderately affordable) art for our home. Just a thought.
from fridayfilms :
You probably already know this, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded. If you like these foods, there are always ways of making them "safe." 100% whole wheat bread, skim milk, and sugar-free, fortified cereals are all extremely healthy. Also, dark or semi-sweet chocolate, while still containing fat and sugar, is a whole lot healthy than other types of chocolates, and is supposedly even good for your heart, in moderation. Take heart, and keep looking for new ways to eat safely. They're out there.
from iamyourjune :
my email is iamyourjune@diaryland.com thanks!
from iamyourjune :
could you email me that hunger chart you're talking about? i totally can relate to what you're going through. iamyourjune@diaryland.com thanks
from fridayfilms :
Hey kiddo. You've probably heard this before, but when I was trying to eat a bit less psychotically, it helped to have several small meals a day. This works for 2 reasons. Firstly, it keeps your blood sugar levels even, which in turn helps your metabolism. Secondly, it prevents you from feeling too hungry before you have your next meal. This, as we all know, leads to over-eating. At any rate, it's advice that I myself am attempting to follow. I hope that helps you some. Hang in there.
from readmypain :
its all about the baby steps...good luck
from fridayfilms :
Are we dating the same guy? Everything you say about Ke resounds with a frightening familiarity. Weird. I hope you figure things out. It's hard to live with difficult men.
from readmypain :
wow bad spelling on my behalf.sorry its been a tough week
from readmypain :
very interesting entry....and yes as you said on my lil' not board relationships aer hard. FIghting for space has been a constandt in my life too only I am on the receiving end of the demand. Its difficult but you'll find boundaries eventually....not that I am the most reliable expert in this department
from fridayfilms :
Just so's you know - my boyfriend is a total prick when he's off his Paxil. And yes - you need to tell him exactly that: I like you better medicated. People have to take responsibility for their illnesses, whatever they may be, and if that means a pill every day, so be it. That goes double if he expects you to share your life and home with him.
from frail :
thank you so much for writing me that note and reaching out. it makes me feel better to read your diary...too, i feel less alone in all this knowing that someone else can relate to my struggle. thx! cathy-ann
from cosmicsloths :
I have a feeling. What's up?
from vla :
This is my guest book until I get a real one...

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