messages to porktornado:
(click here to add new message):

from blunderpop :
Hi Doug, Just to inform you: I've included a link to your (excellent) "worst album 'covers" pages on our Blunderpop blog: Other contributions, comments etc are of course very much welcome. Kind regards, Mischa @ Blunderpop
from warcrygirl :
Now I could start this comment by saying too bad you weren't smart enough to pay your supergold fee I've decided instead to suggest you run for President in 2008. If anything needs fixin' it's the guv'ment.
from msdemeanors :
My apologies in advance for the long a little carried away.
from msdemeanors :
Dear Dusty, You don't know me, but I am the once departed Siamese-twin lover of Janice Fingerpepper's ex-husband's best friend's neighbor's gardener's leaf blower salesman, and I used to know a girl who knew this really weird guy that worked at your Grandfather's favorite local butcher shop, cutting Hungarian Beefballs about 14 years ago in a little town called Budapest-Miami, Georgia. In other words, we've never met and have no relation what-so-ever. However, I can tell you that fairly recently, I have been following your blog entries, and I can honestly say that you are one of the funniest and most talented writers I have come across in the last 20 minutes. No really, your shit is funny! If you may not have already guessed, I myself enjoy writing (as a hobby) and I must say that I remind me of you on so many levels. Don't be alarmed, I'm not crazy�.Really I'm not, I�m not, I'm not! Did you say something? Who was that? What time is it? Okay, now that I've thoroughly scared you� seriously, your website brings me at least 20-30 minutes of reading pleasure every day when I escape the monotony of my 10 hour work day, here at the Matador Training Facility in Santa Monica, CA. I happened upon your website when a buddy of mine forwarded to me your infamous album cover(s) entry, which had me on the floor in a puddle of my own bodily fluids, it was so damn funny! Ironically, that is the kind of shit that I like to do as well (the album cover thing, not the bodily fluids reference) in my spare time, or in other words, while at work. Once I came to and dried myself off, I wanted to learn more about the author that induced such bladder-provoking antics, so I navigated about your website and to my delight; I noticed that you have an entire collection of blog entries worth pondering, not to mention a link to what I dyslexiadly thought was called "Dairyland" - perhaps a magical place where cows travel to from all over the world to ride fun roller coasters, play with a big oversized mouse, and then share a bed with Michael Jackson. Or perhaps not. But then I realized that the link was actually a venue for other like-minded people such as myself (scary thought) to express themselves through the art of song. Whoops�no make that blog. Although I suppose they could be singing while typing, so one never knows. And suffice to say, so far, your website has kept me quite entertained. But don't take it personally. I've been known to have fun at a Puerto Rican Bris, while doing the Macarena during a mighty hail storm. But hey, who wouldn't? Ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble. Okay, now I feel as though I've just been rambling. So in short (too late), I just wanted to drop you a line and say congratulations on a job well done, and for bringing happiness to so many with your great words of comedy relief at a time when it is so desperately needed. Please keep up the good work, and if you're ever in Los Angeles and thirsty, I would be honored to buy you a beer or a V8 Juice or something. (But please take it to-go, cuz I really don't want to have to sit there and compel idle chit-chat). No but seriously, it would be great to meet you. I look forward to your next entry. Goodnight & Good Luck (Nominated for Best Picture of 2005), MsDemeanors
from arifoxhawk :
Hey Dusty, I was StumbleUpon-in and I found the following link: "". It looked like your work and I saw nothing attributing it to you. Thought you'd like to know.
from bikernurse :
Mr. Dusty, I am impressed by your talents. I also appreciate the fact that you think DK is a, well... nevermind. Wombat showed me your site today and I laughed until I cried. As a sarcastic NY/NJ mother of two, grandmother to one, I can say you are truly funny and talented. Don't know why I am telling you this, you already know. You're the man!
from moosehunter :
Good evening Dusty (though I'm a bit lost with the US/UK time difference and it's either morning, afternoon, evening or next thursday there.) I think I pointed this out in my 'Favourites' Section, but I'm continually envious of your lifestyle, being stuck in the hateful corporate purgatory that I am. Keep writing more often and stop this shuddering, occasional entry stuff. You are my alter ego and I need to know what I'm busy doing in my better job! Ciao Moosehunter
from myramains :
I just read back in your notes and found myself back there. Ah, the early days, before the obsessive crush developed. Anyway, I noticed a distinct pattern: I multi-post, then feel like a big tard. Like now. DAMMIT!
from myramains :
For the record: I woke up the day after posting the above "nugget of joy" to a scratchy throat that an hour later developed into a cough so deep and violent that I have so far jettisoned four major organs across my living room via my spasm-wracked piehole. I'm obviously dying, and Airborne is just walking by, pretending not to see me. So screw me and my suck-ass advice.
from myramains :
Hello, our poor, weakened, sickly Phlegm Tornado. I just read your most recent Salami Tsunami about your hideous upper respiratory viral nightmare and, although this is the wrong place to do it (your comments weren't working at Atlanta Illustrated because The Lord is angry with me) I just couldn't resist cornering you any way i could to tell you this nugget of joy: ...that "Airborne" stuff is voodoo. I realize a virus is a virus, but there must be something to all that business about Zinc and Vitamin C. I myself was a destroyed pile of lung butter just over a week ago and scoffed at my sister when she brought the stuff to me, but within hours I began an upward climb and just look at me now. I'm back to being my normal pile of flesh, and I laugh the throaty laugh of someone who can breathe. Airborne. Guilt someone into bringing it to you pronto and get better, because I love you and I can't get on with the kidnapping until you're well. (It's easier to slip the ropes when you're coated with sinus goo, and I'm not having it, pal.) P.S...Queasy is passive-aggressive. That bitch. ~Myra
from x-plicity :
I'm one of those people that drops by, violates you and never leaves a thank you. *hugs* X
from sanchosgirl :
Look, i didnt want it to come to this. Your inability to keep us all enterained on a timely basis has pushed me to far. Dance monkey dance! Um... i mean if you dont start keeping this thing up to date you are going to find a very unhappy pregnant lady at your door, it aint gonna be pretty! Sometimes your entries are the hightlight of my day, sad isnt it.
from soverybitch :
I don't know if you have seen this, but it is more material in our beloved tino, from his beginnings and also after la primera vez :P The latest is not so bad but the first ones I hated them as a kid with all my heart (still do) Cheers!
from myramains :
You're right...Cheerios DO smell like pee!
from quinlan991 :
i work at an advertising agency, and we're interested in buying the rights to the #10 worst album cover (12 top hits). i figured that you're the only person who would be able to give us any information on what company to contact to get those rights. i couldn't find your contact information, so if you'd please contact me at [email protected], i'd appreciate it.
from northrup :
It upsets me that upon noting that you updated, I was seen by numerous co-workers hopping up and down in my seat sobbing 'he's brought the funny...he's brought the funny'. Porktornado, please give me back my masculinity. Love, Northrup
from bluemeany :
Hey, do you ever travel down toward Savannah?
from plopphizz :
Congrats, one of your old Halloween entries has been linked to on Quoted: Thanks for the great writing. - Ploppy.
from prissy-pants :
Just a note to say hello and that I hope things are well for you.
from m0nique :
your funny.
from musicchic85 :
dude, i hate that show. but i have to agree they ARE damn redneck. i just want to make that bitch of a wife of his shut the fuck up. i think its ironic...they say they're christian...they pray...they love...then they cuss each other out. classy. well, dude, later. ...until we meet again... xX*BEARIKA*Xx
from nearzero :,,5-2005380599,00.html This article i'm linking you too TOTALLY stole your ideas for worst album covers ever. I hope you got paid, son.
from moosehunter :
Hi there, Pork Tornado. Just starting up here, but we read your stuff at work. Drop by sometime and say hi.
from bluemeany :
My homey. You must check this out: -- these guys are ... fuck, they're BEYOND words. Let's just say another good name for their band would be "The Inbred Swedes."
from eatenzo :
Brother: Somebody's been pilfering your content. But the text is weak. You should send a thanks to the Masshole responsible.
from bluemeany :
Hey, thanks for the mad propz! You will ALWAYS be in MY cool club. [enticing wink]
from bluemeany :
Hey, thanks for the mad propz! You will ALWAYS be in MY cool club. [enticing wink]
from magalicious :
Dear Pork Tornado - I discovered your site only three short days ago, but I have read every one of your entries while at work (shhh...)and have find you to be completely hilarious. Should you be in the Wilmington, NC area - beers are on me! Your biggest fan, Magalicious
from tstough :
Don't mind my horrible "there's are" grammatical snafu, my mind was faster than my fingers!
from tstough :
Dusty, I've been a fan of yours for a few years now, and as someone who used to write, I found inspiration from you to start again. There's are a few entries in my diary of late that I think you would enjoy, so if you have a chance, let me know what you think! I also have an old photo of my daughter that I may comission you to draw one day too. I'll contact you through your website for that. Thanks for being out there! --Tim
from invisibledon :
from bluemeany :
"Vapid" and "douchebag" are two words I would never expect to see so close together, but somehow, given the context ... yep, just seems to work. Oh, and thanks for making me chortle over your retardedness! The mental image will be with me forever.
from bloodyvixen :
Yea, I just recently discovered your diary-thingy. Yea, keeps me happy. I laughed so much I farted. My friend doesn't think its that great, but hey, she's pretty lame, so don't feel bad. Now, whenever I find myself in akward moments I think "What would Porktornado do?" However, I've soiled too many panties that way, so I stopped.
from magyarking78 :
Heya, Been readin your diary for a while now. Keeps me sane. Im an aussie in Europe at the moment and am kinda missing home. Reading your diary makes me feel like im home. You make me laugh mate....keep up the top work...
from mattster :
Hey Dusty, I've only been reading this site for a couple of days now, but I need to thank you for it. Everyday I laugh out loud just from reading this site - It's fantastic! I only wish I could put my emotions and feelings across half as well as you. Keep it up! Ps :- If you're ever over this side of the pond, beers on me
from bleedheart :
Hey,Nice Diary. Just wanted to say that.
from fks :
Hey Dusty � Great stuff. I came upon this link and thought of you � great fodder if you ever need something to write about.
from muppet23 :
In fact, just go here -- -- for a non-mush entry as I've apparently piled up a few of them in my most recent entries...
from muppet23 :
Just wanted to say hello as you were recommended by Judd and I've enjoyed plugging through a few of your entries. Drop by and leave a comment if you like (not all my entries are mush as is the most recent). I love writing and can always use the opinion of others. Well, as long as "YOU SUCK" and "SHUT THE FUCK UP" are absent in your text...
from nixtress :
Happy Easter.
from irisnabottle :
You don't know me...and I don't know you...but anyway, I think your diary is really funny and I enjoyed reading it. um, keep up the good work? sincerely, irisnabottle
from sixelacooper :
I was wondering how much it would cost me for a small peice of artwork? Either a photo or pencil...any doodle would do..I know it would look fantastic in my home...please let me know if you get a chance!
from banefulvenus :
love your site....
from godmoney :
Bela Fleck! Ur kidding me! NEWWAY, u r 1 funny-ass mofo. I say that as if u didn�t already know it.
from nixtress :
Happy Valentine's Day.
from e-kate :
Thanks for the note and the link to your fantastic pictures. It's good to know someone else feels the same way about the banking system and all of it's glorious flaws!! Also I hope you don't mind I am using your pictures to display on a billboard I have leased off of 75/85 to reiterate my disdain for Wachovia-this can be viewed at the end of Feb:) Take care and thanks for the laughs! Emily
from x-plicity :
I stumbled onto your diary...well stumbling wouldn't be right, it was more like every buddy I have links to your diary and I HAD TO KNOW WHY!!! Can you tell this is going to turn out like a novel? I promise it won't be very long. Just a mini novel, if you will. So I decided to start from the beginning and finally finished! Hurray for me! So basically I felt your diary up. I don't know how you feel about that, but I promise I'm not looking for commitment here. It was kind of a wham-bam and now I'm thanking you. I'm thinking about making you my bitch, but we'll see. We'll take this one day at a time. Once again, thank you for the stimulation and I look forward to more encounters. X
from sixelacooper :
I am so pork deprived! It is important in the food pyramid to get a certain ammount of protein a day and I just cannot get enough pork in my diet! What can I say..I read you archives...all of took a WHOLE month and now I am still hungry for pork...I read the rap song and I still suffer..what to do ...what to do..ah..enjoy the sunshine or go for a pork and see what happens...probably nothing...*sigh*
from pixie-grl :
Just wanted to drop on in and say hi. I've passed through a few times and thought that it would be nice to say hi for once. Hi.
from moonbread :
Porktornado, Enjoyed your take on the mall experience where you get hit up by a guy wanting to get off a gift card. Theres always someone to keep your hands typing out of experiences like that. I wrote something on a similar note, yet my piece deals with the currency of sin playing into the hands of a man hussling for change. P.S. A close friend sent your blog to me and it's a blast. Most of the other names I've dug up since reading your work deal with "I'm so depressed....yadda yadda yadda" or "I need a social space that's I.M. with a little something extra." This kind of shit I can't read. SO! If you know anyone else who writes with irony and depth, please send their links my way. Otherwise, you're my only listing for "favorites" when it comes to favorite diaries. As I am, Moonbread
from stepshanton :
What about ORFs being German? Did I get that right? I thought I was the only one to make that observation! Weird. My father is German/Danish and is a TOTAL ORF, and (so am I sometimes, hoo) anyway. ORFs are really, really judgemental and angry most of the time at all the people who don't follow the rules. My husband is Irish. Anti-ORF. We're okay. He just shakes his head at me. You are too funny. You know why that reviewer called you a middle-aged pilot? Your home picture makes you look at LEAST 10 years older, all pontificating and stuff. When really, you're just a baby. Get a new picture for your home page, and you'll be all set. I'm up to Summer of 2003, I think, and what a SAGA!
from spritopias :
It's "" he's the one leaving messages, and no Andrew doesn't care. I don't really mind, but I did mind him signing things as myself, as you, as other people. I can offend people on my own without help. He often posts pictures of myself or Creepatron. This is the official picture we like people to use.
from spritopias :
I was confident it was not you but I felt compelled to tell you as it is your name being used and Diary Land IS the Middle School of the internet. Thanks for your time!
from spritopias :
THEYKNEW keeps leaving this in my guestbook, notes, etc: signername: pork tornado signerusername: signeremail: [email protected] comment: <p><embed width="520" height="440"src=""></p> � posted from I am confident that you are not the person doing this, but I thought I'd drop you a line.
from blu-ta2 :
My sister sent me the one about the albums. I had never come across your profile before. I had just sat down with a cup of coffee to check my e-mail, and I see (MUST SEE!!!) from my sister, directing me to your link. I almost choked on my coffee, the damned thing spewed all over my computer and clothes. (Luckly I was home) "TINO"? what the homophile- world was that? I thought it was Fez from that 70's show. What is the deal with the ring on the left hand on his abdomin? Who was he trying to convince? Too Funny. Loved the one about the criminal imbacile and the fourflusher gift card.
from nixtress :
Merry Christmas.
from ghostofgor :
skidmarks in yer underwear means your antilock brakes arent working. Get them checked. o_o cant have your genitals crashing about. Nope.
from nixtress :
Hope your Thanksgiving is full of family, turkey and naps (maybe not in that exact order).
from glee87 :
It's 2:30am, and I just had a profoundly spiritual moment. I read your stuff when I can (so usually in weird situations like this one where I�m still at work after 15 hours and need something to distract me before I fall asleep) and I�m sad to say it�s been awhile. It�s very amusing when I do get around to catching up � and especially when I�m pulling some sort of crazy 18 hour shift I find it evokes a strange sort of hilarity. But this time, well, the only word I can even describe it as is overwhelming. I thought I was the only person on the face of the planet that had ever accidentally got wasabi in her eye (although that somehow implies that people get it in their eyes intentionally � which I can�t believe is possible.) I was speechless. Truly speechless. I know you are ridiculously popular and the chances of you reading or responding to this are slim. But I wanted you to know two things: I�ve felt your pain, and on this one evening I felt more connected to you than I ever have with another living thing. Yes � it�s partly the redbull and skittles talking in some sort of caffeine/sugar delirium. But without your postings these last 30 minutes, I�m not sure what I would have done. Gratefully yours� Georgia
from theyknew :
thanks for visiting and please come again!!!
from peachick :
You're seriously terribly totally amusingly awesomely hilarious.
from plopphizz :
Pork, no, of course I wouldn't mind getting some linkage. I actually just got back from a week long vacation, or I would have responded sooner. Glad you enjoyed it. There may be something related to flying in the military track maybe. To be honest, I have had that character doing so many ridiculous things, I don't think he progressed much in his Village People career -- so this may be the right time for the change. Cya P.P.
from zero3zero366 :
FIRST note leaver? Allow me to remind you that "first" and "only", although inclusive, are not synonymous. ;-) You could pull off a Sacred Steel motif if you truly felt passionate enough about the power of Loki and his minions. [email protected]
from zero3zero366 :
Hey, you're great and you kind of look like the singer for Motograter. Let's get married.
from dustlopolo :
Hey, I have had the strangest 15 minutes in a while: My friend instant messaged me with links to your blog, veritably freaking out because as he was reading your rants and writings (Brilliant might I add) he noticed that I had ranted to him and others about the exact same things and that we just write and talk with the same tone. The extremely weird thing is that my name is also Dusty. My theory, I believe that if we come in contact at all one of two things may happen: 1. The world will blow up, up will become down, osama will become supreme ruler of canada and Bob Sagat will beat out Jenna Jameson for the throne of porn queen. 2. World peace will ensue, the UN will become even more useless, Kofi Annan will be out of a job and throwing tricks right off of time square to fund his new crack habit, and Family Guy will actually come back on TV. In the words of my friend Tyler: BurtonBadass216: god never meant for there to be two dusty's BurtonBadass216: but somewhere, somehow, something went wrong ~~~~~ Email me to start the revolution: [email protected] ~Dusty King
from iamyourqueen :
Hey, check out my 10-01-04 entry. I think you are awesome writer and i want to know what you think about this entry, be nice though, this is the first effort i have made and it is about my father.
from saru-san :
You are correct that black underwear will prevent skidmarks from showing... unless you are cursed with being Jonathon Livingston Seagull, in which case black underwear will make the skidmarks show, like, 1000 times more! And why the hell are you even wearing underwear? You're a goddamned BIRD!
from rpab :
Thank you for the burst of laughter your writings evoked from deep within! LOL I needed it today! You really have a knack...
from maybmemorys :
I'd be honored if you'd read my diary. at least once. I'd be honored.
from wilberteets :
Over 500 comments? That's redonkulous. Over a million hits? I thought mine was pretty good because I frequently get over 200 hits a day. Now that I'm humbled, let me just say thanks for the compliment you gave me. I am honored. You are my utmost favorite read. You should be writing books, because you are much funnier than Dave Barry, Lewis Grizzard, or any of the other guys who got rich writing funny essays. ~Locki
from seventrain :
Hey Dusty...just read your entry about the whole karma thing...I came across this and thought you might want to check it out, just for the fun of it...or you know, to see what's next. ;p Hopefully good things...and hell, it might even give you something to write about again. =) ~amy/seventrain
from dalyrical1 :
dude...obsession is not the word to describe what i feel for you.
from bigpimpinmba :
Mr. Dusty, sir. I'm not trying to suck up, BUT, I've got to say that I am in awe of your writing ability and wit. All right, I'm sucking up. My wife and I loved your Wondersock entry. She's got a few pairs of those socks and I tell her they makes her look like she's got monkey feet. Anyway, thanks for dropping a note on my diary page. I appreciate it. It was probably the first thing I told my wife when I got home from work. Even though she's a fan of your writing too, she says I need to get a life. Absolutely true. Take care.
from geekyfreak :
One of my friends on posted a link to your "10 worst album covers of all time" entry. I laughed until I nearly wet my pants. So, I signed up for to let you know that you almost caused me bladder failure. I'd like to send you a picture of me doing dirty things to a can of PBR. Please contact me through Live Journal(girlsonfilm) if you're interested in seeing this type of specialized porn.
from plopphizz :
Hey Pork, check out my madlib surveys this week. I try to pick projects that allow readers to participate, so give it a shot. Chats later, P.P.
from lwaghead :
Dusty, I have found a girl for you. It's currently my favorite thing in the world, with the exception of the top '20' album covers, which have yet to be topped. PLEASE, for the love of God and all that is funny, check out the items on e-bay being sold by "Lady Loves Lycra". It has a really long-ass URL, but I'll give it to you... Her huge ass in the animal unitard is now my desktop.
from autumn-dove :
p.s. Congratulations on the Condo! Also, we both enjoyed the pics and your entry on your vacation with family, friends, and fishys.
from autumn-dove :
You continue to have a spot in our prayers and hearts. You might find my June 16 entry -interview on a book called, 'When God Winks' interesting. It is about when the coincidenses in life are Not coincidenses. There is another one that covers future soulmates as such. / In reference to one of my previous notes to you: Sign me the 'First' Boob to make the Public Scene. (sincere sweet chuckle) God Bless.
from rosedreaming :
If you do go to Ohio, I work at Paramount Kings Island in one of the offices. In case you didn't know we are home to the worlds tallest fastest only looping wooden roller coaster, the original Twin Racer roller coaster, the worlds longest wooden roller coaster and a 1/3 replica of that big tower in France. You know what it is and I know what it is...but I'm not sure I'm legally allowed to say it. Any ways, let me know if you head up this we, we just put in a new water park after that guy that used to be cool in the 80s...the crocodile guy. I can get you in free.
from plopphizz :
Hey Pork. I know you get a lot of notes everyday, but you inspired me to start writing here, so I feel I should at least try to make contact again. I have a new survey I wrote, would like it if you could take it. Appreciate your time and consideration - P.P.
from eustilly :
Ugh, don't you hate people who just want to be friends? That's basically what the Teddy statement is all about. They might as well say "Let me hug you, Teddy, while I flirt with your friend over there." Guys do it, too, though. Except we girls aren't called Teddy Bears-- we're called "good listeners."
from noophiechick :
D... many thanks for leading me to the world of blogging.. a simple web click to your fav records, and I've found a cathartic experience, giving my friends a much needed rest from my neuroticism. and you introduced me to WTF, who is the coolest chick. your entries make me pee my pants with laughing, but just that little bit, few drops, so that you don't know if you you have just squeezed off a few, or that you are becoming un-explainedly horny at the way you put words together... the mind boggles.
from eustilly :
D, did you get my other email with a new email address to try?
from plopphizz :
Hey Pork, I haven't written a note directly to you telling you how much I like your writing -- yeah how 'bout that. Anyway, I showed up at Diaryland via your album cover commentary (duh, what else) and seeing as you are good at coming up with quick-punch humor, I wanted to invite you to check out B*E*R*T*S on my site. Basically, we draw little characters and have readers suggest captions. Hope to see you there -- P.P.
from eustilly :
*sniff* I didn't get either one. Tell you what-- I'll email you with a better email address. I don't want to post it up here. Thanks Dusty!
from eustilly :
No, I didn't get anything. Did you reply to that same address? :)
from eustilly :
Hey Pork, I sent you an email to the hotmail account. Check it, biatch! :)
from mentalimages :
Thanks for the response and the help. And yes, the nazi bastards wanted money. I suppose my budding audience is worth it though...
from mentalimages :
Here's the thing. I'm a total tool apparently, and since your diary was what introduced me to this diaryland, then you are my official answerguy. Suck it up. I can't figure out how to do the opine part on my diary page. I too wish to suck on other people's thoughts of my pontificating pages. Any help is appreciated. Oh yeah, keep up the daily grind cause you're getting better as the years turn.
from jennylewlew :
Hey! I hope this wasn't the weekend you were planning to actually knock on my door and seduce me, because I'm heading home to Chapel Hill this weekend. But you can leave a severed head or something on my doormat! That would really show you care, and prove your love. What are you up to?
from wonderchai :
pork - i didn't notice that tenenbaums was one of your favorite movies. :)
from eustilly :
I'll be at Six Flags tomorrow...waving at you from atop Agrophobia!
from anisettekiss :
I named an entry after you and called it SugarBacon. See, I'm not the kind of person who talks about others behind their backs. But I will fuck all your friends.
from ochweidnit :
Fantastic stuff. Great linky goodness. You're in clever company. But with all this wit to read, how the hell do I get the housework done now? Bah...
from juddhole :
So I'm goin' to town on this girl the other night, and, feeling kinda wild, I roll 'er over and stick it in her butt. She says "That's kind of presumptuous don't you think?" I stare at her in dumbfoundedly... She says "What? You DON'T think that was presumptuous?" I say "No, that's just a pretty big word for a 10-year old" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
from gumphood :
Oh duck. I mean fuck...I mean shit. I forgot. It was something you wrote. Erika sent me your way. I like the swirling pork.
from jimmysworld :
Yeah, with this much traffic I figured that I would up the ante. If I don't offend half the known world, I will be disappointed. BTW is it fetuses...or feti. Maybe I should ask her...
from gumphood :
You are the only person under the mason dixon who knows what that word means. In honor of that, this note is already too long.
from hooterville :
Aiight, aiight. I should have known, since you're not exactly serious about things most of the time. Wow. Understatement. Heh. I think the "No fat chicks" comments combined with the pictures of Ladyfriend's teeny tiny flat stomach came together to bwake my ittle heawt back when I was hoping to be your diarist groupie and have you be my baby daddy. Now I'm conflicted because... uh... yeah, I don't know if I can come up with anything funnier than that for the comment under your name, and choosing just one of your quotes is like chosing which baby to give to the Nazi's.
from jennylewlew :
Then you're either really short, or I'm just one of your many stalking victims--I live on the first floor. And I thought I was your one and only! Woe is me...sniff.
from leslieirene :
I see. I just get so much negative crap from people on this site that I tend to assume the worst right away. I've always liked you, and your diary, and have felt that you are very intelligent and talented. Olive branch from Leslie
from jennylewlew :
I'm in Dunwoody, Porky. And I really am here...I've been here since mid June of '03; liking it so far. I drive a burgundy car, sing in the shower, and I usually leave the blinds open during the day (all necessary info to stalk me properly).
from leslieirene :
In fact, I recall being nothing but kind to you in the past. Whatever. Have a good one.
from leslieirene :
Nice little mention of me on Jimmysworld's notes. Thanks. I'll remember that. People do have feelings- yeah, even me.
from freelancer85 :
hey pork, in the process of making a website up, mind if I link? Oh and if ya want to supply me with an icon I'll be much obliged (always on the lookout for free stuff to make my life easier)
from somskirt :
Just got my first taste of you when a buddy sent your album cover entry. Jesus, stuff like that should come with a warning. I laughed so hard I couldn't see colors for half an hour. Next time you're in the Panhandle, drinks are on me.
from jimmysworld :
Done and Done. You are the nice man who has ever left me a note, and your readers are sycophantic cyber sluts. I won't sass you anymore than need be.
from chairranger1 :
Hey just wanted to tell you that you're a funny dude. Nice to see people who aren't all scared and worried about being politcally correct all the time. Thanks for the laughs.
from coffygoddess : thought you might get a laff at this. ~cg
from lintpickle :
Thanks for the compliment you left me in my comments. I didn't know you actually read me. It's funny how my friends think I have my shizz together, but it doesn't feel like it at all (most of the time). Anyway, mastery of language is at least ONE area in my life I can attempt to grasp confidently. Words don't kill people, people kill people. With words. Yeah. That doesn't sound as cool as it did in my head. Anyway, hopefully my writing will improve drastically once I'm whacking out ten essays a week for my BA. Look forward to wordy Dickens-esque entries expunging on how much relationships suck.
from thedailywtf :
Wow. I don't know what to say except thank you so much. Unless I knocked you up and this is your way of trying to get your goddamned hooks in me....if that's the case I told you already NO CHILD SUPPORT! Here's a coat hanger, take care of Junior before you cramp my pimpin' style, ho! But mostly, thank you. :)
from moose262 :
the album cover thing cracked me up, we had them going around work here awhiel ago, btu i loved your comments. i still think that devastatin dave should have taken #1. go here, if you dare, and listen... to zip zap rap!
from porktornado :
So I can assume that you are either fat, or born without a sense of humor. In any case, there are 600 more where you came from. Have a good one.
from cornnugget :
Wow, You lasted less than a week on my buddylist. Is it just coincidence that the fat girl joke and the "I'm a grown-up" statement appeared in the same entry?
from sflygot1985 :
props to you, man. completely broke internal organs over your cat-hammer love story from laughing so hard. if only CNN would get someone like Jeannie Moos to get you some decent coverage - this is REAL news in America...(smile) got some dating misadventures of my own (despairingly similar to yours, i'm sad to say) to share soon so drop by my diary when you have a free moment later this week. once that is out of my system i'll screed up something original.. cheers!
from peytonsplace :
point taken. ha He'd probably agree as long as he had the same priviledge. Well, not with you, of course.
from peytonsplace :
Hey again, I'll be your way April 26 and 27 for some training. Dinner, drinks, sex? Let me know.
from picassomoon :
hey congrats on your swank new place. :)
from freelancer85 :
Hey, just dropping you a quick note to say, YOUR SITE ROCKS. That's it really. Yea....... (don't think that'll hyperlink but hey who cares.)
from kitty-kaboom :
No no, good sir. It is YOU who has the ultimate top site, I read you ALL THE TIME, and my mom is fucking in love with you! You rock socks all day and through the night. I lava you like a VOLCANO!
from mugwhump :
You're a very funny man! I'm sure that neither makes or breaks your day to hear from some random diary reader, but you most definitely gave me a break from my work day monotony. Keep writing - its great.
from autumn-dove :
I made the wrong assumption. I assumed that only the paid members with certian options were the ones who could be accessed per instructions given. There is that old saying, "When you Ass u me anything - you make an ass out of you and me." Guilty as charged.
from autumn-dove :
With my bro moving in came a new computer. The one we had was an 18+ year old jobby that had a modem put in to enable it to go online. It was some kinda challenge, and it did not always perform right. When I attempted to get into sites according to the basic, simple Dland instructions - it did not work most of the time except for a few I mentioned before. I've learned and feel "How much one knows is not as important as what he 'Does' with what he knows." P.S. This does not need to be deleted. God Bless.
from bapril :
Anytime something I read can almost make me urinate from laughter in my $79.99 OfficeMax chair while loafing at work, I've had a good day. It was Platinum, baby, Platinum (as the young homies like to say...)
from binkybongo :
Your "Top 10 Worst Album Covers" is great, but the page mis-handles its image tags and it causes the page to load very, very slowly. I would recommend making the images only about 250x250 and making sure they are saved low-res. Also make sure the img tags have complete width/height information. Otherwise I end up with a bunch of broken images and that ain't no fun. There's a chance that the problem is with this Diaryland interface and nothing you have any control over. If that's the case, then I strongly recommend you get your own server space for your cool web ideas, since otherwise people are going to spend more time frustrated than amused trying to look at your stuff. Cheers...
from tessarooski :
I found your diary through a banner, read some entries and have fallen in love with you. I just thought you should know. Have a nice day.
from frozen-vodka :
Be proud! Your diary has been blocked by my company's web filter! Now I can't get my regular dose of Pork, but I can still surf Dutch porn. Go figure.
from bebegracie :
You have like, hundreds in you fave list, so I will go this way to alert you to a fact i feel strongly about..... YOU HAVE THE COOLEST DIARY EVER! Please, are you a student at the university of wit or something? You are absolutely 100% backbreakingly funny. Phew, that was exausting, enjoy your praise! x
from squintt :
I also found a recipe for your cactus: Enjoy!
from aleathiad :
i found you something you can cook with cactus shoots..hope you enjoy it!!! feel better soon. sorry i couldnt hyperlink it for you...i forgot how. alea
from chaosdaily :
and when your cat and the video cable were in college, did they inhale???
from myramains :
And bad grammer, too. I hate myself and want to die.
from myramains :
For me, it's always nice to leave glaring misspellings and chimp-like typos on an impressive writer's notes. It makes me feel like a natural woman.
from myramains :
And it happened to me, too. With a touch of incontinence. You're Satan.
from myramains :
You are responsible for giving my poor sister a hernia. She took the link to the first time someone broke into your car, saw the asskickery, and the next thing you know blood organs began shifting and intestine spooled out like a sack of wet pasta. The bulge looks like a fetal twin, and it's on you. She's a young, vibrant woman. You're made her laugh herself into a physical deformity. Shame. Shaaaaame.
from leonmcphelps :
That picture is awesome. Better than Nick Nolte easily.
from banefulvenus :
you rock! HARD..... ;)
from ivoryfaerie :
I'm sure you've heard itmillions of times before... but you. Are. So. Fucking. Funny. (Yes, I really did need to use profanity- to furthur emphasize how funny you are!!)
from aleathiad :
i liked your artwork...funny that i didnt picture you doing that type of pencil work. it is quite lovely. alea
from autumn-dove :
I really do not know much on the workings of Diaryland just yet. I admit I am a total boob on it. I ask your indulgence. Just wanted to be sure you can enter my site. I am a member of the 'Jesus is luv' diaryring. You can find me that way. It is the only way I can usually access most of the folk with the exception of Beautifulmes and a few others. As before, please delete this also.
from autumn-dove :
It is me again. Please delete this after you read it. I got Bo reading your diary. He really enjoyed it. That is a first for him. Anyway, he shares your joy of fishing. I entered an entry on 1-24-04 that we would like to share with you on the fishys in our world. Do drop in for it. Have a nice weekend. God Bless.
from aleathiad :
you make me bust a gut with every entry...more,more, that cat/hammer love story! alea
from madatmydesk :
I'm sure that you get this all the time, but I have to know: how did you come up with the name Pork Tornado? It's the funniest (and the best) username I've seen in Diaryland. And the writing is even funnier. And I thought I was weird...
from xxnoritaxx :
Hahaha, the ten things on your mind... kept me laughing for about twenty minutes.
from autumn-dove :
I am a baby boomer who has moved with hubby from an active s.w. city to my old smalltown area I grew up in. Clicking on to your banner was a stroke of luck. I laughed alot and shared your thoughts on the car dashboard message device!! I have constantly said the same thing to hubby when driving in traffic.. It is a small world. Yours is a much different world than ours and is interesting and somewhat refreshing. Thanks for sharing! We have added you to our morning prayers and hope your back, (hubby has trouble too), and other problems get healed and resolved in a super plus way.
from amabilis80 :
By far the best diary I've read! Thank you for seeing society through funny glasses! I hate most of the human race because they are so caught up in the worthless rat race... They think the sun rises and sets on them... silly road rage.. Thank you again..
from elephantess :
HAHAHA. I just created this diary. However, I have read most of your diary and I do, in fact, love it.
from ophelias-cpr :
Your site! nothing so funny since the banana spilts. I'm new to diary world so please ignore my diary until I lose the crap I am spouting there to get it out of my system and get with the politics that are part of my job . Loved your diary, am a cynic but trying to pay dues to my romantic side -of course it doesn't exist, but what the hey xxx
from candoor :
"pork tornado is really a rather funny fellow"... there, now you can quote me in high brow literature.
from real2reel :
I've got a message board on both real2reel & alteraction, so please go to both and add a message or four. Thanks. John
from aleathiad :
i will have you know that i almost peed my pants reading this entry and about the porkisms. thank you for making my night just a little bit brighter. alea
from xxnoritaxx :
Heh, it's the truth from what I read, your entries have me laughing like a fool.
from krwling-doph :
hmm, from the looks of that note i left, i think i'm the one who needs that dictionary of yours. hah.
from krwling-doph :
hah sending that e-mail was classic. i only read oyur most recent entry, but i hardly read long entries, this one jsut really kept me reading. lol. keep writing!
from livefan91200 :
Merry Christmas and thanks for all the laughs. L'amour toujours ~LP
from porktornado :
Lotsashots- no, I think the problem is you being an idiot.
from maskedmofo :
Happy Thanksgiving!
from whempy :
have you tried Sleeman's Clear beer? It's low carb.
from whempy :
are you lefthanded?
from lotsashots :
How do I read your stuff? I can't find any diary entries of yours. The only thing I see is what you think about other entries. Am I missing the point of this site?
from fixinto :
I think that was the same dog featured as "Pet of the Week" for a good nine months back in Athens. The caption said, "Great with Kids". I think the people at the shelter finally stomped it to death. Oh yeah. Saw your art work. Awesome stuff. Here I was thinking you were some podunked dingleberry with a creative streak, and you're actually an Ar-teest. Ya know, that stomping thing sounded funny in my head. Now, it just seems morbid.
from bubblefrenzy :
Last entry... I almost wet myself. I was in a public library...that would have ended up badly. Pets always bring a smile to one's face. Although, I gave up on animal upbringing when my mother cleaned my turtle's tank with soap and he died the next day. God rest Sam's soul.
from eustilly :
want to hear more about the snail, eh? too long a story for the notes page. i'll try emailing you at dland.
from wkuangel :
just read your entry on depression. Thought i was nuts, i feel the exact same way, even the dream thing. weird. but good to know someone else understands. :) good diary
from shamsi9 :
you need to see "love, liza" starring my favorite actor, phillip seymour hoffman (neck in neck with noah taylor and judi davis)....
from shamsi9 :
i laughed outloud twice, and i'm in the library...
from dreamsmasher :
do you live in Texas?? the driving rules sound like it...and CRam really does need a diary-put a fire under his ass and get him on here-I NEED HUMOR, well, more humor....
from scanzilla :
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see dem driven before you, and to hear da lamentation of da women!
from arwenalways :
Your diary is hysterical. The loud neighbors 2 entry had me literally falling off my chair. You crack me up!
from rumblelizard :
I'd be honored to be a lizard godmother! I do love the little critters. The worst is when you go to some clueless fuckstick petstore and they have them all crammed together and sad and unhealthy. They look so pitiful & disprited. I know you'll make a good lizard dad. Good luck in your search!
from rumblelizard :
Also Exotic Reptile Adventure 2706 Whisper Trl, Douglasville, GA 30135 Phone: (770) 489-3512, 17 miles away.
from fakingcool :
well I found you the ole' fashion way, someone said you were funny so I clicked on the link and guess what? they lied! ...(I'm joking but then again who isn't? everyone wants to be a comedian and the father of my child...yeah, don't deny it)
from leonmcphelps :
Thanks for the comments, I think ?
from rachimal :
Congrats. looks to me like you far surpassed scanzilla since your last entry. glad that I helped you with your goal :) (i do have him on my list too though. lol)
from dixiefever :
Ace diary! I'll be sure to keep reading. Chinchin!
from miapiglet :
I loved ur entry about the obese folks going to the resort that was designed specially for them. It is disgusting, and people should try discouraging and ending this out of control obesity epidemic rather than encourage it. Ive read many of your other entries and I enjoy what you have to say. Have a great day!
from hinthint :
oh man. i m a TOTAL crazy-cat-lady-in-training and died laughing about scaring your cat. good times.
from scanzilla :
Avenge my death!
from fetishfaust :
Your entires made me laugh so hard, I pissed myself. So I send the cleaning bill to porktonado right?... Peace "Dude"
from sadgreeneye :
Yeah, sorry, Other people have complained about the length of my 'note' too. Holy Hell! Two Joshuas? Gives me the willies. What's even more Twilight Zoneish is the fact that some guy from Earthlink name Layne came for a training session today from ATLANTA! The Heebie Jeebies never end. haha Layne. --Joshua
from sadgreeneye :
Hey, I just wanted to say that you are funny as hell. I read every single one of your kick-ass diary entries over the past two days at work(hey, I'm gettin' paid, and I've got nothing better to do) That whole Bank of America jab was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. That picture with the bull jabbing his horns into the matador's nether-regions, and the fact that it was associated with their "free" checking slogan is probably going to get you sued for millions and billions of dollars in a multi-year libel suit. I showed it to all of my co-workers, and told them about the whole overdraft incident; while, due to my insecurities, simultaneously trying to hide the fact that I was reading some guy's diary at work. "Ummm, I found it on the internet somewhere." Anyway, your humor is awesome. Your next move should be to start a politically incorrect diary-ring like Just an idea. Peace-out Dusty. --Joshua
from wonderchai :
Thanks Dusty. And -- nobody has to know. *wink*
from spritopias :
Happy Easter
from kevbut :
I find you so amusing. Great writing, really genuine and intelligent. Are you not entertained, shit I am!
from mizerychick :
Squirrelmancer is your evil twin. Except you're both evil. I went to college with good ole squirrelboy and have been trying to convince him to start his own fucked up little diary. He's depriving the world of the dueling funny :)
from moirafogarty :
I saw in your profile that you like Dave Eggers' stuff. Give David Sedaris a try one day when you get a chance. His latest, "Me Talk Pretty One Day" has that self-involved hilarity to it that seems so hip lately. It's one of those people-will-stare-at-you-on-the-subway-as-you-cackle kind of books.
from ediblmercury :
ok, I looked at your first entry (cause that's what I do with everyones diary I like) and you are a super good artist. Really, that was good. I envy you. I go to college next fall and am majoring in art. If I ever get past being lazy I plan on making a site for my art work. If that ever happens I'll send you the link. Oh, by the way, this may make me look a little unedumacated but who the hell is this Moore guy?
from ediblmercury :
You have the funniest entry in the world, and it made me forget the crappy day I was having. I love you.
from creepatron :
I would like to make babies with you. Babies that can subsequently inherit our mutal fears of spiders, snakes, the wind blowing in their hair (you never know!). PS--My friend's dad once got stung in the balls by a bee. And had an allergic reaction. And had to drive himself to the ER. At least spiders don't have stingers.
from fingemeister :
i have just read the entry about the spider attacking you in the shower. The same thing has been happening to me ever morning this week. Except it happens at school. And i'm not naked. This guy who has the locker next to me keeps a Very Large Tarantula skin molt-thing in there. And i have an intense fear of spiders. So every morning this week they haver chased me with it, and every day i have screamed louder progressively each time. I think one of my friends gets some kind of arousal, watching me run around screaming my head off in a crowded hallway. It's really weird. Go here ( if you care enough to read about my spider-shower besiege-ment.
from crypt-slut :
Remembered what you were going to say yet?
from amberfalls :
I'm sorry to hear about the death of Jen's mother. I hope she had a full life, even if she was plauged by illness. I have found that people like her sometimes have the greatest appreciation for the gift of of life. I also hope that the pain of Jen's loss will heal with each new day and that every sunrise brings a little more happiness to her. I know that probably sounds cheesy but I really do wish that for her. -a-
from megsicle :
Hey, I like your diary! It's oddly addicting.
from influence :
i like your diary, i've come across it a couple times now and decided to list it as a favorite. then i noticed a lot of people have you as a favorite, and you're an artist, ever consider designing a layout to make your diary prettier? I don't mean to sound critical, it's just based on the pics you post, I bet you could have something really amazing instead of the diaryland standard. Either way I like it.
from side-b :
hey mr.pork. ..i just about never click on banner ads. but your damn sneaky ad sucked me right in. ..bastard. > > > i may be presuming here. ..but you may like this diary >> >> your sense of humour reminds me of him. clever and punchy.
from wigmo :
It's better than some other movies I've seen.
from petmykittie :
Dude.... you rock. Viva La Hatemail, I get it all the time. Keep it up.
from rarwhoisthis :
Like OMG, u read our DIARY? lol. haha. if only troubledteen would update--this diary was hilarious. glad to see you notice those mental people as well. we checked out the link you put in our guestbook--can we say ebonics?
from krissems :
Dusty, you should be proud of me. I got my first hate mail. It was great. Sad part is.. I don't know any "unknown"'s and I can't thank them for making me laugh.
from krissems :
Dusty, you should be proud of me. I got my first hate mail. It was great. Sad part is.. I don't know any "unknown"'s and I can't thank them for making me laugh.
from bustybetsy :
micheal moore is using the vehicals he hates to get his views across. in addition. his movie was the most biased movie i have ever seen, not to say that it wasn't great or that i even disagree with his views, just the most biased movie i've ever seen
from fordham :
As much as I hate your views and opinions, I can't help but love your diary. I hold the highest respect for you. Cheers. -ford
from excentrique :
i absolutely love you diary
from crypt-slut :
Just have to say that I think you are great (it's always nice when people say that!)Have read your diary and totally agree with you on the Michael Moore front-it was totally insensitive of him and totally unneccessary. Hope you note me back. A/s/l? Love Sianxxx
from billyidol :
I rather liked your banner, that's why I clicked.
from sexyoldman :
Great diary.
from i-lost-alice :
from specialpete :
hey, i really don't agree with some of the things you say, but all the same, it's all pretty well put and entertaining. Thx for the thoughts.
from mroutt :
Arf Arf!
from sampotato :
I find your artwork to be inspired and lovely. You are more than just talented, you are gifted. Thank you for sharing.
from wonderchai :
Your little note made me spray my shorts with glee! Dangit, now I have to go change. ;)
from aroha :
hey slick. cute as a bucket of kittens eh? what's wrong with kittens? :)
from wonderchai :
*big grinny face* I won't type in all caps. You will have to love me forever for this, I think. ;)
from hellonasty :
You, by far, have one of the funniest diaries I have stumbled upon. It makes me giggle like a little school boy that is surrounded in the wild and his only friend is a cacti named Poky Mcpokealotinmyeyeball.....yeah...
from fangable :
hahaha, funny pictures. isn't there a band called pork tornado?
from dcalien :
Thank you mangoprawn <---he led me here. Is there a waiting period after homlessness to add you to a fav list?
from mizerychick :
pimp your own fucking self buddy :D
from mizerychick :
Holy fuck I think I love you. Okay not really, but the "Free Crack" thing had me almost orgasmic. Thank you. :D
from wonderchai :
oh my lordy. I wish I could utilize your bloody-bum-beating picture for my latest entry ( You are so friggin funny. You are on my links bar *applause applause* and I am definitely a fan. :)
from sampotato :
Thank you for your response to my note. People everywhere, every race, every creed, every color, every style, every kind, every type, use all sorts of words, spelled both incorrectly and correctly. People everywhere use incorrect grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. I am of the opinion that this is due to a lack of reading, learning, and writing. Not a lack of schooling. Our society has decided that being quick is better than being correct. This is found in all media types and forms of verbal communication worldwide. Continue to express yourself however you wish. I think you write well and I am glad you allow "me" (just a little lady from East Texas) to read it!
from sampotato :
I have been entertained by your diary many times. I have other family members who enjoy your diary as well. I am glad you suggest looking in the dictionary for correct spellings of words, but perhaps the person who wrote "genious" was from the United Kingdom. In such places they often use the "ous" ending on words. Of course, we here in the good old USA have left the "U" out of these words. For example, colour, favour, etc. This is an observation from someone who enjoys good spelling and good writing. However, diary writing is a personal thing. Yours are funny and well written. How nice! Your stories are hilarious! How fabulous! How entertaining for me! However, as I understand it, diaries are meant for reflection, for review, for expression. Expression can be anything at all. Just like art expresses something and each is his own judge of what is pleasing or displeasing. Keep up the good work. EXPRESS YOURSELF and we will keep reading!
from cheshireluci :
*hug* here's two, just in case: **hug**
from merrywitch :
I discovered your diary just recently and have been having a ball reading it. You're hilarious and I marvel at the similarity of our experiences with people saying "Who are you to say that?", and anonymously, at that (I don't think they ever leave their names)! Anyway, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your diary. Looking forward to more... ~Melinda
from cynicaljill :
you little scamp! you're *ahem, ladyfriend is quite beautiful. you are too. mwahaha. peace out, yo. crip pride. err, g. heh.
from monkiebob :
Man, I love the word "fucktard". I want to help make that word more popular, so I'm gonna use it all the time. Later, fucktard. -Allison
from cynicaljill :
i laughed for five whole minutes when i saw the 'crip pride' diaryring that thugplayboidouchecrap (or whatever his name may be) had on his diary. werd, yo.
from deathcake :
*looking down* Teehee! Aw, how sweet! ;) Anyway, hi. That's all, just hi. Keep up the funny. %^D
from briggles :
I think I'm in love with you. I read a few of your entries and I think I'd like to carry your children...or just flatter you...whatever...but either way, I enjoy your diary quite a bit.
from not-it :
happy friday.
from cdghost :
strange entries.. weird teaser with that evil cat.. gave me nightmares forever until I checked it out
from lapisllong :
hey, you're funny, i think i'll keep you!
from not-it :
i hate kinkos too. i've heard it was satan himself whom started the company with hitlers blood money.
from supernigger :
so u thanked Tyrese and bowed down on your knees asking him to forgive you.. (i read the cliff notes version.)
from crazy-ol-tom :
porktornado = comedy gold
from lagrimitas :
Hehe, cute banner ad, it was too cute to pass by, and I am can relate on your quest to find a worthy printer...or use to have that problem when I myself worked with graphixs....Hope you have a wonderful time in Florida, have a drink or two on my behalf hehe
from perceptionss :
That would be way too nice of you, but if you really are offering. I would love one that basically said, "If you ready my diary, you'll have 7 days to live." Maybe some blood dripping? I wish I could do it myself. Booby
from b-w-p :
I'm always a fan of sharing the wealth when it comes to good information. A friend of mine and I are experimenting with personal ads posted to the internet. We're going to try the following: "I'm 5 foot ten, I like to eat in restaurants and watch movies, enjoy long walks, listening to music, and hanging out with friends. I inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, if I stand in the sun too long I get sweaty, and my eyes perceive colour, shape, form, and motion." I noticed a thread about internet dating in your journal, and I'd be glad to update you on how the ad does...
from stardwarf :
I clicked on your banner at exactly the right time. I laughed at the ear at a jaunty angle entry then clicked "Before" and was amazed at how familiar that entry sounded. 'Bare minimum to get by' is the rule of the day (and week and month and year and ...) with me. No one I've ever tried to explain it to has really understood. And the guilt from being depressed with no good reason... it's an endless spiral sometimes it seems. And I was starting to wonder if I was imagining a depression because I was still making jokes. Even though I KNEW that it was to distract people, to try and keep them from really questioning me... it felt like I must be making it all up. And that made it even worse than the guilt. I seem to be in it more than I'm out of it. But driving with the windows down (in 50 degree weather even) singing at the top of my lungs pushes it away for a while. Anyway... my point was - Thanks, I enjoyed your diary. I'll be back. (Oh, and I originally misread "porktornado" as "porktomato" because I'm not very smart.)
from bitterlemon :
Ha. Your bovine tendancies amuse me. Porktornado indeed. Perhaps you would be more appropriately named Pork of ill weather, or Porkthunderstorm or even Holy Pork of One Nut Land. King Kamahamamaya would have been proud. Watch for the trichonosis though hey?
from down-on-me :
yo 'sup. ur diary'z wikid, tho' I've only read a couple 'cuz i'm a retarded reader - it meanz I'm a slow reader (oh, ur retarded too?? jokes) Yea, so from a guy's point of view ('cuz u sed how gurlz use the "let's just be friendz" bullshit is truly bullshit) what should they say if they don't wanna be with that guy anymore? (or is there nuthing we can say to not hurt the guy)? oh yea + wtf is porktornado haha..
from paper-rose :
You are crazy. I think I adore you. :)
from weetabix :
happy birthday! I got you a guestbook but I didn't wrap it. Go to and pick it up. No need to thank me. :)
from rockyraven :
You so crazy
from girle :
Deep Blue Funk huh? Change the color of your layout. That will solve everything. Yeah. Okay I tried. Girle
from bingoguy :
You're welcome. I know that my notes mean so incredibly much for you that you save them and print them out and post them on your fridge to remind you that INFACT someone is worse off than you'll ever be.
from treedancer :
Have thought about you over the last couple of days fighting off the DeepBlueFunk and wondered if you were ok: didn't know what to say. :-/ Read your latest entry[17/10/02], which had me in stitches. *big grin - perhaps the best medicine is laughter? And, Oi! Nothing wrong with tree huggers ;) No, I've never lived in a van. Only a matter of time you say? heh. Loved your sketch.
from celestine :
Hi :-). I recently discovered your diary and read it from start to finish. You made me laugh out loud a coupla times, especially the entry about the thanks for that. What I'm writing here now for is to say that your last entry...about being amazing. That's exactly how I feel sometimes but I've never been able to put it into words. I've been the meds route a few years back and it worked, but I'm reluctant to try it again. Not sure why...except that maybe I feel guilty for even being depressed and that I *should* be able to get a handle on it without resorting to that.
from porktornado :
Okay, everyone. Stop with the drug advice. I am in favor of anything that will help me, and drugs have helped me immensely in the past, regardless of what your stance on the issue is. The fact is, the Federal Aviation Administration does not allow its dreamy flyboys to take what they deem to be "mind altering drugs". The likelyhood of me quitting flying to take Zovax or whatever is right around zero. Plus, as Amberfalls so eloquently stated, They do take the edge off of being happy as well. At some points I like to feel alive, even if it hurts.
from amberfalls :
Drugs suck and I think they just make you feel worse than you already do. Not only do they take the edge off the depression, they take the joy out of being happy too. I just go running. It's easy to judge how much of a funk I'm in by the distance. When I got divorced, I trained for a marathon. This weekend, I did 7 miles saturday and another 4 miles on sunday. If nothing else, I'm so wasted by the time I get home, I crash. Sleep is a good cure all.
from deathcake :
dammit, of all the banner ads, I missed yours!!! Anyway, re: 'make alot of money' -- Someone already thought of it, and he lives in Connecticut, works for Pfizers and drives a nice car with a plate that says ZOLOFT. =)
from treewillow :
Wow I feel like you just wrote all about my life. I know exactly what your going through, and for me the "funks" as I call them, are coming more often. I myself wish there was a way to get around them besides meds. I have yet to go that route, cause I don't really want to be on meds. But maybe one day, unless someone tells you the secret without it including meds, and you share with all of us :) Good luck
from minderella :
have you thought of trying antidepressants? i would assume that's the best way to go when there's no logical reason for why you feel depressed. get a happy pill.
from bingoguy :
"asses the damage" if there was ever a funnier typo in a semi-serious entry, that was it. You're definitely human. Some women think us men have mental PMS once a month. Could this be something like it? I suffer from depression myself but it can go day to day or it can go in bouts of a week here or there. At least you like your job.
from proudnerd :
You are definitely not alone. I know exactly what you mean when you start objectively assessing your life and realize there is nothing to be depressed about, but you cannot help it. "Riding it out" is a good term, yes. When you feel it coming on, take a deep breath and remember that it's just part of the cycle...
from lizardspace :
I know it doesn't really help, but maybe it will validate your feelings to know you aren't alone in that boat down Crappy River. I have bouts of depression like that too, complete with the attendant guilt over what I call my "stupid suburban bullshit," because, really, what do I have to be depressed about, comparatively speaking? But the blackness shows up anyway, and you just ride it out and then it's gone. It sucks. I empathize.
from spacebabe :
Being 30 sucks big time........although, being a girl, I've apparently reached my sexual peak! Woohoo!!
from heidiann :
Happy birthday! I clicked on your banner because...well...I needed to do something besides work. And I read you entire diary and now I can't stop laughing because of the Fraidy Cat entry. No, I mean it! I CAN'T stop. I'll stop and then you jumping and flailing in the air while your cat watches will flash in my mind and I'll start laughing even harder. I sound like a complete fool. I'll stop now!
from ramanda :
I've seen your banner twice. Both times I clicked on it and read your entries with a little smile. Nice one :)
from starsurfer :
No it doesn't. Sigh.
from starsurfer :
I took that test and got mostly the same answers. My results are posted as an entry a well - the accuracy WAS pretty dead-on...<BR><BR>(IhopeHTMLworkshere) K, bye.
from amberfalls :
Thank you for completing my survey. I found your answers to be irrevrent, slighly offensive and highly entertaining. -A-
from treedancer :
happy birthday
from desertwitch :
from crazy-ol-tom :
Dude, I totally know what you mean about the dinosaur on the love quiz. What person in their right mind wouldn't pick dinosaur. I picked dinosaur. All my friends picked dinosaur. Dinosaurs rule. Anyways, your diary looks funny and your banner was really funny so I'm gonna go read your entries. Have a nice day.
from bingoguy :
Not that I want to brag or anything but I think you found that love test on my diary. But then I stole it from someone else who stole it from someone else. That's the way it works around here. Vacillate is just another word for Oscilate. So, you used the word in almost the same sentence. How thesaurus of you! (And you didn't even know it.) The Synonym of the word is Hesitate. I don't think this helps you at all but I didn't know what vacillate meant so I looked it up at (merriam webster) so that I could seem all studious but then you've read my diary so you know the exact opposite. Oh, and one last thing, I wouldn't want to tame a dinosaur cause I wouldn't want to scoop up that much crap.
from aroha :
hey isn't it someone's birthday today??? ohhhh yeah, YOUR'S! happy birthday, kid.
from legendari :
I remember turning 30. It wasn't devastating, I didn't (still don't) feel old, and I couldn't understand my friends who cried and carried on about turning 30. I'm like you, I've made bad and good decisions in the past, I'll make them in the future, life goes on. Being a specific age shouldn't bother you. Growing old is part of life! lol BTW I'm only 34 now, that's why it still doesn't bother me, at 70 it might LOL
from puppett :
hiya from the jealousman, can I have a plane to fly please, I'm just a saddo flightsim jockey who can paraglide....... good diary! seeya..
from amberfalls :
Well, since everyone else also seems to also think you're hillarious, I'll just say HA! HA! HA!
from rhiastar13 :
I know this is going to sound really stupid coming from a thirteen-year-old, but I think your Diary rocks. You are hilarious! Don't think I'm an idiot or anything, okay, I just wanted you to know I really like your diary.
from e-val :
i'm not going to say that you are funny, because that has been said. i'm not going to say that i like your diary a lot, because that is boring as hell. i think, instead, i will say that you have inspired me to re-hate those people i thought i wasn't allowed to hate... thank you. it has been a refreshing experience and it made me smile. ...the end.
from groupie94 :
I too will be turning that perfect age of 30 in a few days ( the 15th ) ... just wanted to send some birthday wishes your way.
from aroha :
It seems the trick to getting lots of notes has been revealed. Don't get a guestbook! You're a genius. No, I have never been to Dad's Garage. I don't get much of a chance to go out downtown which disappoints me. However, I have a friend in town this weekend, so maybe we'll head down that way. Oh, and I'm not sure whether I should laugh or be offended at your country music comments, but having my allowance reduced doesn't sounds pleasing, so I'm reconsidering my passion for it. Ta!
from applerobot :
i like your writing. youre funny. that is all.
from minderella :
your entries are really funny. and real. my grandmother also died in march and i appreciated your mima entry. the turbobitch entry was great too. male diarists are hard to find, as are non-teens. keep up the good work.
from bingoguy :
Ok, One. You're turnin' 30. Learn this one thing. Get a Guestbook. I feel better about it already. I turn 33 a week from Sunday. If I learned anything in 3 years after turning 30. I've learned that all build up to turning 30 is annoying because then you turn 31 and so on. Where's the Brakes?
from desertwitch :
Read your entry on Mima. Beautiful. Keep it up!
from buenacabra :
Heh, your 30th birthday entry was amusing, however I find all birthdays annoying because everybody wants to ask me if I feel any different... the only different I feel is queesy from eating too much damn cake. Happy birthday anyway
from pommegrenate :
Happy 30th! I didn't actually *get* ballsy (or whatever it is women get, seeing as they don't have balls) until I hit the big 3-0. So live it up. And, um, hey, where can I get some of those freaky socks??
from fluency :
i couldnt resist the banner. you're art is stunning. especially the portraits of your friend's kids. just breathtaking. (and your writing aint so bad neitha.) xox
from proudnerd :
I thought I was the only one who did that with bedside tables! Glad to know I'm not alone. Happy Birthday!
from aroha :
i can make some exceptions for zoolander and tenacious d, and i'll keep my creed cd away from you, as long as i can play country music :)
from starwatching :
I just found your diary and I must say that I truley find it a good read. So check mine out sometime and keep writing. :) Kristina
from biensoul :
Happy Birthday, sweetie! You're a favorite now. You've been forewarned.
from perfectdrug :
Okay, I NEVER click on banner ads, but yours fucking ruled. And so does your diary!
from aroha :
btw, i hate unfixable typos, but please read "questions" as "question". much appreciated!
from aroha :
i'm not sure i could take on a sugar daddy who had zoolander as one of his favorite movies. but i'll think about it ;) hehe. in all seriousness, i saw that movie this past weekend and i have just one questions. are you kidding?
from mr-sparkles :
I don't know what to say, I read it.
from lizardspace :
As your banner kind of made me pee when I read it, I could hardly NOT click it. Glad I did. It's always nice to find a journal I enjoy, and it's a bonus that you've got a Y chromosome to boot. Not that I mind girls, being one myself, but it's good to get a different perspective every once in a while.
from ghostlight :
I saw the pics from "i hate artists" and I think your stuff is very evocative. Does that make me a dork too?
from treedancer :
Arrived here via your banner. Liked you nick, and loved your diary. :)[09/10/02]
from aroha :
so i'm looking at my stats and see your banner that says something about being a straight male with no issues, or something to that affect, and i think "wow, there *is* one of them on here! rock.on." i LOVED your analogies of your flying lesson today and on top of all that, i find you're in atlanta also. too cool.
from mandypandy83 :
You've been nominated:
from deathcake :
You won't need luck, Porky. Competance will give you the passing grade, and you get extra points just for trying. ;)
from astrohippy :
I figure anybody that thinks I'm a genius has to be a genius as well. I read your diary to see for myself. I think I'm in love!
from duke61 :
Hey Pork, You kinda remind me of me. Great thoughts, well spoken
from feistytrip :
Pork Pork Pork. I just wanted to leave you a note because I could. I forgot all about this feature and now plan to send notes to everyone. Muhahahahaha.
from deathcake :
overachiever my lillywhite butt. ;) just can't stand the idea of a smaller post count, eh? :P~~~

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