messages to the-grey-one:
(click here to add new message):

from lust- :
Where in Canada are you? Offering some support if you wanted to chat/email! Let me know and I'll email you.xo
from bridgecity :
Beautiful entry
from lust- :
Thank you. &from what I have read of you: courageous, patient, intelligent, fun &hopeful.xo
from lust- :
I'm so excited! =)
from darthuae :
hey!! did you change your password? miss reading you. x
from warpednormal :
Yes! I’ve read and listened to Dr Gabor Mate before- he explains things brilliantly. It’s how I (try to) approach my clients who struggle with addiction and trauma. I’ve started micro dosing mushrooms too to see if it might help with my mood and concentration and so far so good, but I do wonder about the placebo effect haha. Any other books you might recommend? Have a happy new year!!!!
from lust- :
Hah, good ol' Aunty Flo! Glad things are going well at work. Maybe some day I'll be saying it was worth the wait, too.
from lust- :
I've been doing guided meditations on YouTube. I suggest starting slow with 10 minute meditations. You got this. Happy festivus!
from warpednormal :
Ahhh thank you xx I started re reading old diaries I follow and felt really nostalgic for it. I’m sorry you had a fight while drunk :( I find I’ve been getting real emotional lately while I’m drinking so I’m starting to think it’s not all that great for me. Why does that stuff always come up when inebriated?!?
from frankie123 :
yo that's great! you deserve it
from lust- :
Congrats on the job! So happy for you!
from lust- :
Ugh. Yikes! I'll probably bring it up with my doctor soon, but I've also been having heartburn on and off since before the move, so I thought it just got to the point that it got worse.
from frankie123 :
you probably aren't interested in netflix show recs (so feel free to ignore!), but i'm suddenly but profusely convinced you wd love this british dark comedy, Flowers.
from frankie123 :
yeah, it's fucking bleak how smoke season just keeps arriving earlier and earlier. but -- good luck!!
from frankie123 :
<3
from darthuae :
sorry for the late reply. i feel like i'm definitely dealing with PPD and it's breaking my bones. thank you so much for your note. you are such a light. love xxx
from lust- :
Thank you, love. "You are not the least of yourself, you are the most of yourself" is going to be my mantra on especially tough days.
from warpednormal :
Down for a slumber party! Love ya! :)
from loveherwell :
that entry! i feel it hard.
from loveherwell :
tinder people are the worst people lol
from atwowaydream :
Oh, how I miss you. I miss my really good friend and maybe one day soon we shall have that back.
from warpednormal :
Oh! Thank you so much :) it’s certainly a learning process. Each relationship brings out something difficult inside me, but we gotta learn. Any chance I could grab your diary pw again? Xo
from lust- :
Oh! Joseph Gordon-Levitt is such a dream.
from frankie123 :
have you seen the trailer for midsommar yet? CAN'T WAIT.
from lust- :
Thank you so much for that heartfelt note. It means a lot. Mind if I get a key, so I can peek into your life, as well?
from swordfern :
I'm glad to hear that things are joyful for you at this moment. We so often only document the hard times. Xoxo
from frankie123 :
jan 28 2019 -- ! fuck yeah boo
from loveherwell :
thank you for your note! it is nice to commiserate. i’d like to read if you’d like to share. :)
from swordfern :
Ahhh! Thanks for your note! Can you send me your p/w so that I can follow you back? My dland email is swordfern23@gmail.com
from frankie123 :
i have no clue why i'm going into healthcare when all i ever do when the subject comes up is rant and complain, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
from frankie123 :
(yknow i've come to rly care about you in that strange intimate diaryland way and i empathize with how you're feeling and always want to reach out. depresso to depresso. wish i could send u dumb memes on this platform)
from frankie123 :
tbf having to brush your teeth is absolute bullshit even on the best mental health days
from darthuae :
i love you! xxxx
from frankie123 :
i'm stuck with a terrrriiibble pic until 2025 and gotta admit i truly resent ppl when i find out they somehow look good in their passport photos. like how fuckin dare they who did they bribe
from msjessica :
<3 thank you x
from frankie123 :
sup boo
from papotheclown :
I think I am happy with what's happening with me too, but I think it has some people worried. But that's because I forget to call my mother and tell other people where I am, etc. But nomadism is truly a great way to lose the "I." You've been on my mind a lot lately, hope things is good
from thecity :
thank you for your note!!!
from atwowaydream :
Miss you,chica. Just putting it out there that you are truly a delicious soul. Keep scintillating.
from darthuae :
i have been so busy and missed reading your diary! that PMS entry, oh, how relatable. x
from papotheclown :
Your last post was powerful. Thank you.
from degausser :
Those new colors unnerve the fuck out of me and I hope it isn't permanent. I'm giddy that Andrew has been online and fixing things but changing the color scheme freaks me out.
from frankie123 :
yikes
from loveherwell :
thank you so much for that. knowing that legitimately helped me get through this week (where, after seeing him, it did literally feel like another withdrawal).
from degausser :
Thank you so much! I'd love to read yours. May I have the login info?
from darthuae :
thank you so much!! <3 you forever. xx
from browndamask :
Just saw your note. Clearly I'm not on here frequently. Thank you for the kind words.
from the-grey-one :
hm not sure how to message you warpednormal, your profile doesn't seem to be working. but in case you check back here, you can email me at lazi_(at)hotmail.com for a pw.
from warpednormal :
Any chance I can get your login info again?
from papotheclown :
Really love your latest. And nice sly Trump jab in there. Keep up the good work, kid.
from lust- :
Thank ya kindly!
from frankie123 :
i've lost yr login info, do u mind resending it??
from frankie123 :
no no i wholeheartedly appreciate you and every time you reach out <3
from frankie123 :
ugh that is my LEAST favourite dream to have. always feels so ominous, always leaves me obsessively counting my teeth with my tongue for hours after getting out of bed
from papotheclown :
May it be everything you need it to be and more. And yes, may you vomit and weep with dignity.
from darthuae :
let's hope that this site gets to live on as far as forever should be.
from darthuae :
9:09 p.m. - Nov. 30, 2016 this entry is everything that keeps my head spinning in the rightest way possible. you write so beautifully and to a lot of hearts. i also used to cover smoke with smoke when i was hooked on the pipe. not smoking/popping pills anymore is making me feel a tad boring. i love your words anyway.
from bridgecity :
I always look forward to reading your entries. Your diarist skills excel.
from warpednormal :
Any chance I could have the key to your diary?
from papotheclown :
And you are very much one of mine
from frankie123 :
You should have
from atwowaydream :
Handing you a shot, m'lady...
from frankie123 :
🙌🙌🙌
from frankie123 :
i kinda hope it's a positive sign that they're keeping me waiting -- like, how bad can it be if they're not rushing to treat me? -- but at the same time JEEZ it's ridic. they promised to call me if someone else cancels but i feel like they didn't mean it :(
from darthuae :
i can say the same for you--unreal, raw, my heart swells. hope you are peaceful. x
from papotheclown :
The entry with all the quotes was amazing. Hang in there.
from gonzoprophet :
haha, i was gonna say, DAMN, THE MAY SARTON ONE. we're all just fragments of the same unknowable thing, aren't we? anyway, the more recent entry is making me mad. i'll email you about it if you'd like to discuss in any manner of detail. but basically, plz be kind to yourself. it's always good to reflect on stuff like that but the twisty nature of what was said is making me mad. i get v. mad with exquisite ease, SURE. but still.
from frankie123 :
that quote from anne carson -- damn.
from i-am-jack :
My oldest orange cat has been amazing the last few days. They always know.
from gonzoprophet :
dawww i missed y'all too
from i-am-jack :
Thank you for your kind and supportive words. Yeah it was intense. I am still kind of out of it. Whether it was intentional or not, he broke me. And as much as I needed to write it out, that was intense too. Admitting so much. I don't know why I imagined someone else in my seat. I wish I had that same protectiveness when it came to myself. I would be a lot less self destructive and a lot more assertive, people would be less likely to fuck with me. Shame is a bitch, for sure. I know it all too well. No one has really been around to provide any kind of after care, other than the cats. But I will be okay.
from gonzoprophet :
i must admit, particularly after having just visited home myself, that your descriptions of the weather are really, truly hilarious to me. i can't imagine trying to deal with the heat, having grown up in a climate so far north & chilly that i can't really even fathom what it must be like. lemonade helps thin the blood a bit! but unfortunately, i'm not calling up any other pro tips that don't require a swimable body of water..
from atwowaydream :
Thank you, Keer! Without getting to personal (since both of our diaries are locked), I thought you might understand the intricacies of our minds and how muddled they can become. I'm so, so glad you're my buddy. You've become my buddy of all things: brit-crime shows, paranormal documentaries, alien abduction paranoia, sleep paralysis theories, reddit lurking, irreverent memes -- I could go on and on. You're just a mighty fucking cool gem of a friend.
from i-am-jack :
Thank you! It is always nice to get notes from people. This is the first time I have been aware you were here, so you were lurking. I do the same thing. I lurk a lot. Thanks for validating me. ;^)
from atwowaydream :
You have tenacity darting through your blood, Keer. <3
from frankie123 :
i'm not actually sure how to format it in html (irt spacing, the way it breaks and spills and uses so much blank space) & it's also just so embarrassing! just smtg to keep in a secret drawer for now
from frankie123 :
ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ♥♥♥♥
from gonzoprophet :
YOU'RE AWESOME. trying to be better is hard. we're all goddamn champions.
from darthuae :
your comment made me chuckle! yes, here's to never eating anymore U's and just doing what i want because i feel like it. x
from frankie123 :
i'm in the middle of quitting smoking right now; it really fuckin sucks! but we can both do it! you are nine days into a fast and are still functional, so you clearly have much better discipline than me
from darthuae :
i'm always the person you talk to about your childhood/mental illness and i'm definitely no fun either.
from frankie123 :
if i ever tried to put that on a shirt i'd probably accidentally use water-soluble ink.
from darthuae :
11:14 p.m. - Apr. 08, 2016. you. i don't know how you said precisely what my heart's been beating about for the last few months. that woman is everything to me right now. thank you, you're so lovely.
from papotheclown :
I was a smoker myself for several years. I am still a eater of horrible things. Good luck on your endeavors. Smoking and junk food and the like are all about immediate reward and comfort, which will almost always win against the idea of long-term benefits and health. So look for new immediate rewards that are good for you. Or something. Just good luck.
from gonzoprophet :
mmyeah, it's what that good ole anxiety brain best provides. it doesn't have much to say but never fear, it'll go over it five million times anyway, 'til it loses any potential meaning altogether! fuckin bully!
from papotheclown :
Technically speaking, you have two Ryans.
from papotheclown :
Jesus Camp was basically my childhood. I was like the kid with the rat tail. Also, agreed on Richard Dreyfuss. Also, agreed on Serenity. Also, I too am very attached to the idea of attachment. I don't know what we will do with ourselves.
from atwowaydream :
Keer - my dear friend in irreverent memes and bratty child jokes. . . you deserve absolute happiness, and I'm always going to be rooting for that in whatever form it comes. Happiness, love, and html hearts (even when I've been a moody little shithead).
from gonzoprophet :
finally here to correct the comment debt between us. lmfao. to be honest, at the time, i ran through a lot of responses in my head.. and they all seemed super weird and awkward... ranging from basically screaming 'i don't take compliments well' to the simple, slightly cheesy 'and i just love you,' which felt unnecessary then, since that's already been established. so anyway, here's this super belated monstrosity. thank you
from darthuae :
can i have a password please? astromechdroid at gmail dot com x
from atwowaydream :
Keer's laying the mack down. Yay, you!
from frankie123 :
definitely go back!
from the-grey-one :
-_-
from papotheclown :
This is a note for you. Because I like you and we are friends. And I would totally hang out with you right now if I could. We could get pancakes. It would be delicious.
from atwowaydream :
Thanks, Keer. I really, really needed to hear -read- that. Truly.
from gonzoprophet :
that's one of those thoughts...i remember, that i could literally feel my perspective changing the first time he told me that as a kid.
from frankie123 :
i hope the same for you, too
from msjessica :
thank you xx
from papotheclown :
What new music are you listening to? I want to listen to new music
from atwowaydream :
Indeed! But at least we can still have blanket forts and coloring books - no one can take that away from us.
from papotheclown :
My day has been unexpectedly brightened by the simple act of you asking. How is your day? I imagine I will read about it in a second, but still I'd like to hear it directly from you if I could.
from swallowthkey :
if you feel open to sending a password, i would really like to read again - angilroy at gmail dot com
from msjessica :
thank you xx (do you share pw's? i am missjpulp at gmail if you would want to email). x
from gonzoprophet :
i admit i wasn't really sure what to say. i'm still sorry, but mostly, just...i don't know, just know that my well wishes aren't any sort of obligation. you don't have to seem okay because i hoped for it. i know it doesn't work like that. i'm sure there was more at play, a lot i can't understand. but i'm still here lmfao. still rooting for you. and i'll try to do better than misguided advice next time.
from the-grey-one :
sigh. passwords work again. don't mind the crazy girl..
from gonzoprophet :
sorry if this is because of me. i didn't meant to overstep or make you want to draw away... it's just hard for me to sit by and watch everybody fighting so much to feel all right. when i love you just by virtue of these stupid word boxes so you all must be pretty awesome, by my logic.
from the-grey-one :
i've decided to close up for a while. just one of those things.
from gonzoprophet :
in case you didn't know, chris farley didn't want to die. he sure didn't value his health a fuckton, he was freakin speedballing, but his heart just gave out. and the person he was with didn't realize that he wasn't doing a bit. he's basically the boy who cried heartattack. and as for the other stuff, i just want to say...worth has to be found in something more lasting than a child. they turn into fullblown people so, so quickly. you are valuable. you are. struggling and sad and uncertain, you still have an immense amount of worth. BELIEVE IT
from xperfume :
Hey I really liked reading your diary and I wish I still could.. Please hit me back
from ping-island :
thanks! i hope it goes well too. also that i never fall in love with an emetophobe.
from darthuae :
i want in, darling.
from frankie123 :
haha sorry if that was skeevy; someone i know was complaining about that menthol cig thing a little while ago and it just kinda stayed in my mind. i'm in BC. 8-)
from frankie123 :
you're an albertan!!
from papotheclown :
And here I am, another stranger who has wondered off from Diaryland. One who now waits outside your gate, begging for a password.
from bridgecity :
a'ight shoot me a pw I'm ready to read all the ones I got locked out of.
from frankie123 :
<3
from the1warrior :
Hey! I know its been forever but i clicked to read and catch up on what youve been writing and i see i need a pw??
from warpednormal :
i feel this. know that you're loved <3
from gonzoprophet :
if i could hold a knife to the throat of fate and make her treat you better, i sure as shit would.
from atwowaydream :
Thank you, Keer. She didn't last the weekend, we put her down just an hour ago. My condolences go to you and your family for losing your doggy. Hugs sent your way.
from swallowthkey :
aries is my favourite sign (my partner and all of my best friends are aries). i hope you will share your words with us again soon.
from bridgecity :
awww man, no lock
from atwowaydream :
When and if you're ready, slip my a password. If you need some privacy, then take all of the time in the world. I send you nothing but delicate, textual hugs dearest Keer.
from gonzoprophet :
OKAY WHEW THANK GOD
from gonzoprophet :
I FREAKIN BELIEVE THE HELL OUTTA YOU TOO, KIRROYALE. NOTES ARE BACK I'M SORRY FOR SCREAMING
from atwowaydream :
I think feeling ALL OF THE THINGS is such a seemingly innocuous notion until we are on the floor, in a fetal position, indeed feeling all of the things. but it's so much better to feel it all now than to wrap it up in bubble wrap and shelve it for later. many, many hugs to you, Keer. you are such a strong and resilient soul - even when you don't really believe it.
from warpednormal :
you're so sweet. i have to say, your diary never fails to touch me as well. lately, i've also come to realize how much shame is embedded in my way of thinking and being...but at least i'm more aware of it now! haha keep writing, keep being you :)
from papotheclown :
Those words seem awfully pretty to me.
from secret-motel :
Ah, thank you, thank you!
from papotheclown :
I wonder how many "stop being solipsistic" messages that guy writes to people. I wonder if he knows the purpose of a diary is to write about one's self. Anyway, I get what you're saying and I completely agree. I would rather be racked with self-doubt than be delusional with ego. I think us losers tends to be a little nicer and more compassionate anyway. For what it's worth, you are my favorite diary to read on here, which makes you a winner in my book. Just stop being so damn solipsistic!
from papotheclown :
Very well said.
from atwowaydream :
you don't have to be redeemable here, love. these little white confessional boxes tell us it's okay, no matter what. and sometimes the phone call can seem like a satellite, and every last one of us is listening. <3
from papotheclown :
The piece about remembering the fall is quite beautiful.
from jaysthoughts :
How was ayahuasca? Did you throw up? I've always wanted to try DMT..
from snotgirl :
Thank you very much for your kind words. I don't check diaryland very often, but your note warmed my heart. Thank you.
from dangerspouse :
I hope the break does you good. Safe travels.
from lifeortheatr :
hi, i just read 1300 and wanted to say that it's awesome.
from dangerspouse :
Dude. It doesn't sound like ego is a problem. At this point it sounds like solipsism is a problem. You need a diversion. Got any hobbies? Passions? ANYTHING that'll let your mind escape the black hole gravity field of crippling introspection? C'mon man, shake yourself awake. Life's too short. Don't die inwardly before you die. Any effort is worth it. (I got more rote-but-applicable aphorisms if you need 'em. Just ask.)
from gonzoprophet :
lmfao i gotta ton of 'em. ridiculous insults, not douchecanoes themselves...ahem...
from papotheclown :
Shame is indeed a big one. I can also relate to everything you wrote tonight. I know nothing about you, but I feel like I am right there with you. Good luck. We'll get through this.
from ping-island :
thank you!! :)
from candikurlz :
1300. Sooooooooo good!! haha <3
from papotheclown :
I really love your writing.
from gonzoprophet :
i think to learn to push through without confused misery would be a great feat. one i ought to keep striving toward. just not right now lmfao
from cdghost :
read you next week
from gonzoprophet :
we are the uncrackables. lmfao. we definitely deserve tiaras.
from darthuae :
i'm glad you resisted the urge to delete that entry.
from gonzoprophet :
it's bizarre and unfortunate, the things in life that end up coinciding...pain and worries taking away from the sweet moments! trying not to let it though, without holding myself hostage for the lack of elation, as you wisely prescribed. just gotta move forward. seriously though i hit myself in the face with a piece of broccoli a minute ago, what's wrong with me lmfao
from darthuae :
i'm so sad that i don't know how to find words anymore. but you <3
from i-lost-sarah :
and thank you for your thought provoking comment :) (it's so interesting that you'd make a link between taking risks for junk food and addiction-- to me, it sounds like a charming anecdote about a very precocious kid)
from gonzoprophet :
sisters are tender territory. you don't get to just shake family, which complicates things. but if you're only ever appeasing or agitating her, the problem isn't you. you don't deserve to be pressured to say things you're not comfortable sharing. just don't lie, this creates interior toxicity...everyone has secrets though. you have a right to hold back information, particularly stuff someone's proved they might use against you. and mocking your behavior...eh. i just don't like it. i hear these things and feel it's apparent that she's not trying to help you...she's trying to make you act a certain way that benefits and suits her. and if she is trying to help, in some really skewed and misguided way, she should be open to hearing that she's using harmful bullshit tactics that aren't helping...unless, of course, you do feel like you get something positive from it. lmao but that wasn't the impression i got. maybe i'm overstepping, maybe i'm just saying things you already know. so i'll just reiterate that you don't deserve to be treated like that.
from i-lost-sarah :
Leave me an email address in my notes and I'll send you a password. And you'll have my email address :)
from papotheclown :
Thanks. Maybe it'll be a thing I do now.
from aosid :
thanks. i.. ah.. wouldn't recommend the experience, but it was an odd sort of beautiful once the thoughts began to scar over.
from whystinger :
Heavy, real heavy, deep.
from papotheclown :
I really, really love the way you write. So very beautiful and poignant and perfect.
from silentcries8 :
Hi! Haven't been browsing round here in awhile, was reading your lovely entries. Thanks for shares. Congrats on conquering the nicotine beast:). And girl... do you not have Pandora in Canada?
from papotheclown :
"Nothing but complaints about my own weakness." I've been there, kid. Hell, I am there now. Hang in there.
from gonzoprophet :
i can fairly confidently say that i hound this place like a phantom. if you too have discovered the kathartic glories of posting something to be swiftly deleted, your grace period isn't fair a-tall, kirroyale. lol if there are other purposes behind your mysterious red line, burn and disregard message
from papotheclown :
I actually do know exactly what you're talking about, as I too sometimes wake up a little early and find new Diarylanders. Thanks for stopping by my little blog.
from gonzoprophet :
lmfao all of this all or nothin madness is exhausting.
from aosid :
haha, thanks. i get in these mushy talkative moods after work when everyone is asleep but i guess dland has to suffice.
from frankie123 :
where in canada are you? pandora is all over the place in vancouver
from aosid :
you're a good thing, K.
from atwowaydream :
your latest poem was very, very beautiful.
from gonzoprophet :
people in south cali drive like they don't care if they live or die. i'm sorry that happened to you.
from gonzoprophet :
lmfao that's been making me smile all day.
from atwowaydream :
from lifeortheatr :
just keep writing.
from jackthripper :
So beautiful. And yet, so very familiar. Well written, dear one.
from atwowaydream :
the first few days is going to be ripe with shell-shocked anxiety, but you can get yourself into it, I know you can. you're going to come back with a new perspective on so many things. . . i know you will. ps: i really hope your luggage made it through the aeroplane graveyard abyss.
from lifeortheatr :
bon voyage
from aosid :
i don't know what sort of well-wishing is appropriate here, but hey: good luck and pleasant travels.
from warpednormal :
thank you :) likewise sweetie
from aosid :
thanks. i'm really glad that you're there to read. saying things out loud is pretty difficult.
from gonzoprophet :
exchanges, one style of word for the next, who knows, that's not really something i could remark on. i never accomplish as much as i feel like i should. but i'm definitely doing things the way i ought to be right now. i dunno maybe i'd have a better record of myself if i'd kept up here but at the moment i feel like it would only be anger and small thoughts...things i've probably done better to just let pass me by undocumented. i still read entries here though...jot down things i want to remember. like 'sometimes i feel downright rabid, the way my mind ticks along is wild, the way it churns through things', and 'when i was twenty seven, i think i officially became too old to eat pizza rolls anymore.'
from lifeortheatr :
hi, i just wanted to say "symphonic" was really beautifully written, thank-you ...
from bridgecity :
I like "douche nozzle". douche hose-clamp makes sense also. not as phonetically satisfying.
from atwowaydream :
Step one: Find and kidnap this elusive Andrew. . .
from naivepegasus :
thank you for the message, it really was pretty comforting to throw all that to the wall and actually get a response that, yes, some people can hear me. :)
from atwowaydream :
sometimes, the roar of that tiny, trembling kitten knocks the hell out of the lion that stalks in the eternal shadows. hold on to your heart (take it from me, although i am still learning) because even as she whimpers, she'll be read to cat and mouse again come tomorrow. loves to you, homeslice.
from darthuae :
i don't remember getting such a beautiful note in a long time. it makes me feel all nice inside knowing that someone actually reads the shit i write. it's a comfort. i promise. thank you. and don't worry about me, i have to take myself down every now and then to feel something real. x
from jackthripper :
Poor darling, your dreams sound truly exhausting. Nevermind what others think. It's not important to be understood. Only that they try. That is sometimes a harder idea to grasp.
from jackthripper :
You write beautifully, dear one...
from jackthripper :
Hello, dear one. No, I don't use stat counters. I have no idea who is actually reading but I am glad you seem to like what you saw. Thank you for your kind words. It is always a genuine pleasure to meet a kind soul in this world. Thank you.
from atwowaydream :
I like the way you think, homeslice.
from atwowaydream :
that means a lot to me, coming from you.
from darthuae :
i get the same feeling when i find that you've updated - i get the sudden itch to write, sometimes depressed that i can't seem to say every fucking little thing that i want because my memory is my greatest betrayer. like today, i wanted to write about smoking in the bathroom and blowing out smoke outside the little window, when i noticed that i could clearly see my neighbour taking a shower across from me. it was a fantastic moment that only 7AM could have afforded. thank you for you.
from darthuae :
I like things that are real as fuck. I hope you're well.
from ashtraygurl :
Love love love your most recent entry! Enjoy your trip :)
from cymbals :
weird! i have always imagined you writing from america, but don't know where i got that idea. not that it matters, really, where any of us are when we're sharing stuff like what's on dland, but you learn enough to build a picture of them that may or may not be anything like their real selves. i hope your trip is everything you want it to be.
from ashtraygurl :
what you're doing is incredibly strong. we all have our secrets, but letting someone in is as rewarding as it is scary. I've suffered from ocd/anxiety and panic disorder for many years, but six months ago, after some major health problems, I have begun to let go and try to let others in. I feel like the world is such a big and beautiful place and I am really so blessed to know the people I do. It's been quite a paradigm shift for me, but I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck, friend :)
from dontremember :
Your an artist! Let art weep for itself and bow it's head before you wrangle it in one epic swoop. Cry or laugh, you got into someone's brain wires and that's power like the gods or the Jobs... Steve Jobs? Whatevs. Congrats, darlin.
from candikurlz :
yin energy. define: kira. receptive force. i was once told the dark cold well is to pull out the richest water. sry to spam, but i have faith in you.
from candikurlz :
thank you so much for your feedback and for reading, such flattery <3 sorry if this was a late/delayed response, i don't get notified about diaryland notes like i used to for some reason?? should look into that. real glad we can connect, poet.
from atwowaydream :
you're not fucked. i mean, we all are, actually, but you're not alone in being fucked. that sounded very pornographic and i'm not sorry.
from aosid :
the first four drafts were sooooo awful. i got lucky - life hurts and hurts and then sometimes it's undeniably pretty.
from atwowaydream :
(html shaped things.)
from aosid :
"a weak wounded why." that's a thousand things i didn't even realize i felt. i don't know why either, but i think i understand.
from candikurlz :
Aw, thank you for your response! Well. I do have a semi-public lj under the same un, but it's a lot chunkier and less personal. Still there if you ever feel like investigating :) Blessings to you, keep in.
from atwowaydream :
Yay! Voices! Refreshing after so many years of reading in my own voice, the one in my head.
from candikurlz :
i saw you in the 'users online right now' last night.. the similarities in our sentiments (often leading to choices and stories) have made me take a step back. to come back to look over my diary after reading yours makes me feel weird looking over mine, like it's more objective. i want to show you, but this thing is locked for a reason (i use google-able names).. hmm. for now, i will just follow and sit. and let you know that you are loved and heard. and seen. and a plea to keep your head up as you carry on with your beautiful, provocative, illustrative, limitless words. thank you. i know this isn't fair game right now, but the scales will be tipped either way.
from darthuae :
darling you are too kind to my drugged existence. thank you <3
from darthuae :
<3
from aosid :
thanks! it turned out better than i expected.. i just want it to be enough.
from cymbals :
re june 4th - loved that. thank you. x
from aosid :
if you have to lock up, i have to have a key..! i will warn you that knowing exactly who reads can make a person go well and truly mad. it's why i fret so much about writing the big pretty stuff.
from atwowaydream :
aw, love, hugs back to you. glad you're feeling grateful about your friends. i don't let many in my life, but with the ones who do get in there, i feel the same way that you do.
from whystinger :
Congratulations on the 28 days. I wish you many more!
from darthuae :
thank you for the link to 'the entry' and i'm so sorry, sometimes, most times, i'm too scared to answer my emails because i feel my inferiority escaping. still. you mean stuff to me. x
from atwowaydream :
i've been there many, many times. made me feel small as a little grape seed. envy is a horrid petty thing. but if you get over it, that takes some soul.
from fat0free0air :
Tangerine, Tangerine, Living reflection from a dream;I was her love, she was my queen, And now a thousand years between. Either that or...Please get me a towel Mr. Tangerine Speedo You're all over town In tangerine ooooyyy
from aosid :
thanks. i've been trying to find a voice from somewhere pleasant for a change. the painful things have become a little too painful. they're mostly not the end of the world, but i just want to be lazy and simple and free for a while.
from gonzoprophet :
if you're going to keep writing the neverending entry, i would really like some reassurance that you haven't taken bits of my life and made characters out of them, which is how i've felt since st patrick's day. i tried to email you but you either haven't seen it or are ignoring me. your silence about this has left me in an uncomfortable limbo. and i would appreciate some manner of resolution.
from atwowaydream :
sending you love, homeslice.
from atwowaydream :
When you do, you must call it Ninja. It cannot be Ninja Alfredo unless he too, likes alfredo sauce about everything else in your garbage can.
from loveherwell :
"i'm not fooling myself. i know i am too often directed by fear. that most of the time i don't even try to overcome obstacles. i just see them and i think 'ah good, finally.' and i stop. self-destruction is a form of over-protection." i just wanted to stop by and say: exactly.
from aosid :
holy jeez. what you wrote today. like, everything. i wish i could offer sage words about avoidance, but it's my demon too. settle for some solidarity?
from ashtraygurl :
fanks <3
from atwowaydream :
html hearts all over your diary.
from doctorkaysen :
Comments like these are what makes me so grateful to have such awesome people on DL. that you get it. it makes me so happy I could burst.
from atwowaydream :
But what does your 60 inch television set say? That's what matters.
from lizbathory :
The "Entry" is enthralling. I liken it to being on the edge of an orgasm, but not quite being pushed over. So when one of the entries ends, you are left hanging and frustrated. Tenses are always a pain. But, as they say, practice makes perfect. You can say you move too slow with life, but it's better to move smart, and be calculated with those movements, then to just jump into things and hang yourself. Why rush in, when you have atleast another 40 years to go? better to get to where you will be happy slowly, then end up in misery fast.
from aosid :
it's so good. bleak and comforting and sometimes just cute. also, you know how kids can listen to some awful 30-second clip of music over and over because they don't know any better? i kind of admire that.
from atwowaydream :
she is one sadistic bitch. sometimes they're the best kind.
from gonzoprophet :
lmao i appreciate that. it came at a moment when i needed it.
from callmevera :
I hate Facebook but these days it seems necessary to have them, but there always comes that moment when you think "do I really need this"? I sometimes with I had someone preview mine for me before I log in. It can be triggering I know.
from lizbathory :
Every day I come to D-land just to hold my breath, and look. YES! There is another entry. With baited breath I start to read. Completely absorbed in every word. Let it be known, if you ever stop I WILL cry. Your "Entry" is the highlight of my day...or night as it tends to be when I read it. Fantastic in every way.
from darthuae :
sometimes i feel like i need to wash down your entries with a laced cup of coffee. they're strong and they're insistent on adapting inside the walls of my bloodstream. what i'm trying to say is that they're my idea of beauty. and sometimes it hurts. beauty hurts. but what do i know? anyway, here's to writing!
from atwowaydream :
"now is not the time for books, now is the time for pants and painkillers." - not even halfway through the entry and I just. . . cannot NOT post this excerpt. you know i adore you, homeslice.
from atwowaydream :
yes, always more scarves-- excellent for tying up people who are annoying as shit. god-fucking forbid we don't capitalize everything in our own fucking journals. because, yeah, we're all published here and people pay us for it and everything. it's not like it's a diary or anything.
from portlypete :
So sorry your "Caps" key has broken.
from bedwarmhands :
So I'm pretty much fully completely enraptured with these "entries". My kinda reading. Xx
from atwowaydream :
uh-oh. . . this guy has no idea what's possibly in store for him.
from gonzoprophet :
'this was my duty, as a citizen.' lmfao. love. sometimes a part of you needs to die..resurrect. change. be replaced..or phased out entirely. you're not alone in that.
from astitchaway :
Thank you. I'm very happy to be back.
from astitchaway :
I'm talented? No, I used to have a diaryland account back in 04 or 05. Then I stopped using it and forgot about it. Recently I thought to myself "I miss Diaryland." So I asked to join, and here I am. It has a community feel to it that it never had before. I guess that's because not anyone can join, right? But yes new. Sorry, I have a tendancy to over-ramble!
from i-lost-sarah :
yay my puke is amusing :)
from atwowaydream :
Umm....YES. Totally hot. Took a minute to catch my breath. Beautiful, beautiful.
from cymbals :
smoking.. smoking the last of mine now because its paper writing time and i have finally become so stressed that even procrastinating is too much, so i smoke and write. wonder how/when/if i will ever stop, and hope that it is soon, and then pick up my supplies and roll again.
from atwowaydream :
internet pixeled ginger ale and crackers sent your way. And nyquil, because, if nothing else works, you can sleep through the days.
from aosid :
in no particular order: -it's such an important word! even though i can't decide how to pronounce it. -i had a long hiatus due to extreme work-induced world-weariness, but i'm glad you still read me! i don't specifically know of anyone else who does, which is almost better because i worry about writing passive-aggressive letters instead of journal entries (bad old habit). -disintegration is the best album ever.
from gonzoprophet :
yeah it's pretty much a russian-doll nested microcosm of absurdity that nonsense has a defined and exact meaning according to some people...those people are silly. the complexities of words, the way an arrangement of a handful out of 26 characters is supposed to express a notion that correlates to something completely subjective to each individual mind...it's all very unexact.
from gonzoprophet :
i think i define nonsense as anything that doesn't help me live. i don't think that's what nonsense is actually supposed to mean
from atwowaydream :
The Fourth Kind? Yeah, I was pretty excited about that one too, and although there were a couple of freaky parts, it didn't really come together all that well. My mom's like, "Well, what about that Independence Day, and Men in Black?" I just shake my head and languish in my first world problems of no one else understanding alien abduction movies.
from kateness :
thank you! and thanks for building community in this quiet place.
from atwowaydream :
My favorite of all your entries are the ones that end like the last one did. You're my bestest friend in the world!
from dontremember :
well whoa whoa, you too. i like the way you are typing out what my brain's been thinkin.
from atwowaydream :
God, sometimes I come off as such a bitch. I meant for my last comment to have much more of a comical tone, but alas, I sucked and sounded like I needed a colonoscopy, pronto.
from atwowaydream :
"darling" is a big word, with lots of meanings. none of them apply to my last entry.
from atwowaydream :
"while time sharpens itself against the corner of my eyes" - I love this imagery. I also loved your latest kitty comic!
from doctorkaysen :
I just started. I don't know if I recommend it.. especially if you're a horrible gardener like me. I've killed about 15 basil seedlings so far.
from kll :
Tears do certainly frighten so called normal people away. But it tends to attract lonely girls with even more problems than myself. Though, I can't say I dislike the attention. Good thing my life is so fucked up providing fuel for the soap opera talent of water works on demand. Then again, I don't know what you're talking about.
from bedwarmhands :
well,you have my attention....
from atwowaydream :
Radiohead has that certain versatility. I would watch the migration of little known creatures to one of their songs. For a long time. And then press repeat.
from gonzoprophet :
seriously, the possible karmic backlash of telling the worldfull of horoscope reading pisces to do such a thing is impossible to gauge. free government sponsored hug festivals! creepily coming to you in 2.5 years! whether you want it or not!
from gonzoprophet :
lmfao thank god, or it would be entirely useless. so long as a soul or two smirks at it at the very least, i'm satisfied
from byebeautiful :
Why, thank you! Enjoy away.
from atwowaydream :
quite lovely.
from alethia :
My mom used to do that to me, too. I can still feel her fingernails in my arm when she'd drag me from chore to chore and pointed out every fucking speck of invisible dust that I'd missed.
from gonzoprophet :
All in due time, pretty face! You're freakin gorgeous, btw. And i really liked the last poem you posted.
from kll :
Brave, Scared, and honest; I like that. If only we could all be those things. If only we could all embrace the adventure. And, I can't be certain of any accuracy, but my mind does build imaginary personas for the words I read from hidden voices.
from crazy-raver :
"i feel myself being pulled back in, to the heavy and cold, to an unending unknowing." Powerful and inspiring. I say inspiring from the perspective of always wanting to know more. Then again that's life for yah, the endless journey of self discovery.
from doctorkaysen :
I'm OBSESSED.
from atwowaydream :
Eep! Aw, that means a lot to me, sweets. shortstop. munchkin'. but never cupcake. I draw the line at cupcake.
from gonzoprophet :
it's just a personal asset. that you can apply to anything. the strength of your character can win you anything you decide to conquer. though it doesn't, admittedly, necessarily provide a person with what precisely that thing should be. it doesn't HAVE to be applied to anything, and that's part of what had me reeling with the notion...that people who have no concept of their power use such vast stores of energy just to wrangle unhappily with their own emotions and twisted internal worlds. because they don't realize what forces of nature they are. because they've never managed to really believe in the possibility of themselves. because they have to. because they don't know how to think about the world in positive yet realistic ways. because of whatever. i think it's well used if, void of anything else, it's eventually used to sustain the person's happy enlightenment...which is not an easy or simple task, no matter how common or simple the words may appear. it's all just stipulation though. i suspect that, in reality, it's a matter that varies indeterminably from person to person...
from gonzoprophet :
i swear by my pretty floral bonnet...lmfao i adore you. i've been keeping up with your juice fast chronicle and uh... i think it's cool, though i wish i could figure out how to express what i mean less lamely. it makes a person powerful to exercise the will like that. and it can be really interesting in general to experiment with how you go about the task of living. i'm rooting for you and i hope you find all that you're searching for.
from atwowaydream :
internet hugs don't often solve any major problems, but like. . . :::hugs:::
from atwowaydream :
I think the same way about the retarded and gay world. And the words 'retarded' and 'gay' (sometimes I question my overuse of the word retarded before bed time). Beautiful entry, mang. Maaaang. I know you've been away, checked out for a while. . . and I typically don't like to bother people during hibernation. But I'm here if you need me.
from atwowaydream :
dude. like i'm really ever going somewhere.
from journey2one :
I appreciate your latest comment! It was meaningful to me.
from atwowaydream :
You had me at light choking.
from cymbals :
love your webcomic. looking forward to more!
from journey2one :
From July 15 - Felt that one in my heart. I need you to love me now.
from atwowaydream :
Get on AIM so I can antagonize you, brat.
from atwowaydream :
beautiful and disarming entry.
from atwowaydream :
god help me, i'm corny. but you're my buddy, so it's okay.
from gonzoprophet :
at least you know what they're doing at red lights, unlike these shady drivers
from atwowaydream :
html hearts all over the place.
from gonzoprophet :
oh it's not humanly possible to get off of the phone with mine in less than thirty minutes. lmfao i have to be kept abreast of the delicate movements of her rummikub group and how the garden's doing
from atwowaydream :
Your friend Selena is a really retarded bitch.
from bridgecity :
Ha! I clicked on yr entry and thought at first it was one of those pages telling me to leave the website immediately because of viruses.
from darthuae :
i usually find my curiosity dead every time someone tells me about a "dream they had" but never with you/i'm always mentally exhausted by the end, always thinking, "shit me too!" and today i forgot to breathe for a while. so thank you. xo
from atwowaydream :
Henri makes me worry that I'm going to off myself. I love him so.
from atwowaydream :
Also, Never have I ever. . . wait. What? Which one is yes? Wait. Wuuh?
from atwowaydream :
"dont remember asking yet you surrender to me like it doesn't cost everything you once were" certainly know what you mean, beautifully written, luv.
from gonzoprophet :
it seems to make a bit more sense to me now, that the musician understands that there's something essential and impersonal in the performance of such a thing...the chords might fall on some other person's strings but they do it in desire and homage of the small universe of feeling evoked by the originator. or some other noble nonsense that is not particularly replicable in the literary world lmao
from gonzoprophet :
blocks of fuzzy letters sometimes hold unicorns and matrix code. if only you can make sense of it
from gonzoprophet :
lmao i chickened out of the tarot reading. sometimes it's better to just not know.
from silentcries8 :
Hi, thank you for your notes. It is freakdom let loose. But I appreciate the kind words. I have been looking through yours as well, great writing (IMHO). Your post on addiction (2011-ish), quite insightful. I wonder if any of us actually truly "recovers." Either way, I definitely relate. Hope to read more soon. Take care :)
from atwowaydream :
Well, this was about three years ago, when I had a smaller place that was just mine. The Hell House, as I refer to it as. Lots of ghosts left trapped in those walls.
from journey2one :
I agree . . .Feb. 17, what is this all about? I want to read the whole thing.
from integrating :
Feb. 17, 2012 Enjoyed the read. :)
from atwowaydream :
We should start a chain of diarylander's writing about their period. Also, strawberry aprons might be the only aprons I will allow near me. Until I see something else. Maybe raptors!
from darthuae :
you take my breath away. i'm literally sitting here with my legs crossed, finding it hard to breathe, but not minding it much.
from integrating :
Feb. 07, 2012 Enjoyed the read. :)
from gonzoprophet :
email?
from dinahsoar :
Thank you!
from aosid :
confession: it was based on an intentionally clumsy translation of an edith piaf line ("danse, danse, mon coeur d'oiseau") your entries since the new year.. i want to say they've been quite a ride, but without making them sound like a spectacle. you write some really compelling images, and in some strikingly varied ways. brava!
from atwowaydream :
all is right in the world again. until next time in a lush daze i swear off all people for all eternity and forget about it in the morning. it's a bit like morning after drunken one night stands - instead of locking up my legs, I lock up my diary. ::sigh::
from darthuae :
i enjoyed your scribbles/doodles.
from atwowaydream :
::grabs you:: the world is a big scary place, and I miss you too!
from cymbals :
i liked this entry. my resolution for this year - that i started about a month ago - is Be Your Own Mom. so far it's going about as well as resolutions usually go.
from gonzoprophet :
sending my love...to a girl with the heart of a lion. i understand you taking those entries down but i certainly hope that your respect for the people you work with won't stop you entirely from writing about your strength
from kateness :
oh so much appreciation; it is wonderful to feel heard! thank you!
from cymbals :
soooo good. second stanza ftw!
from aosid :
oy. i was granted the mixed blessings of a really nice summer followed by a graveyard autumn that gives me far too much time to reminisce..
from dinahsoar :
oh ... wow. your entry gives me chills.
from atwowaydream :
(((diaryland hugs)))) (the best kind, just about)
from aosid :
i'm glad you've enjoyed reading! and, if it's not too cheap to reciprocate, i think you paint quite the vivid pictures. i sincerely hope they help you hold together.
from darthuae :
"it is nice to know that what is dark in one part of the world, is light in another." it is indeed.
from guitarphreak :
Thank you for your note. I appreciate the thoughts and kind words.
from atwowaydream :
"i like the idea that i am warming the night with every exhale." - Quite beautiful.
from bridgecity :
Very well put.
from fat0free0air :
<3
from fat0free0air :
Edie quotes are so ahh
from atwowaydream :
Lionel Richie's "Hello" is bomb ass. I don't care what anyone says.
from journey2one :
Mmm. Really nice. Loved it.
from darthuae :
i want to breathe your anxiety all up!
from atwowaydream :
Not as much as I love lamp. Also, you have a beautiful voice, and I've heard it so I can say so!
from gonzoprophet :
meme means little sister. when thinking of something to say about why you were on my page, i didn't necessarily have any specific thought, i just felt that you were a soul in transition. on a path, maybe a dark or difficult one, but a perfectly good one. i just thought you needed to keep walking it. it seems like maybe it's about time for the message to change though.
from loladesilva :
"this little white box is a cretin. " Yes, all the little white boxes. thank you, thank you.
from gonzoprophet :
barring a complete crisis of self-doubt, i don't think anything will stop me from selling it in some way or another, whether i have to make artist editions of hand-bound books at first or roll around in glass, as is required by getting it legitimately published. so yes, yes absolutely.
from journey2one :
Catching up on your last few entries. I'm amazed by the similarities in our experiences.
from cymbals :
thanks for the connection that i get from you on here. i've also kept a paper diary since i was seven so your last entry about reading through everything got me too. also, don't know if "spider writings" was a metaphor or not, but either way i like it.
from atwowaydream :
you rock. i hope you're feeling better, i send you textual soup. i'll be away for a few days, but thanks for being weird and awesome with me theses last few days.
from bridgecity :
I like that poem because the title is very concrete and the imagery is very abstract.
from angelspit609 :
i do spend an embarrassing amount of time nosing around in other people's journals and i am in ca, so there's a pretty good chance that i'm the mystery address. admitting that makes me feel creepy.. typically i'm very private however, i suppose i owe you, so feel free to ask away whatever you would like to know. as for what i relate to in your writing, well.. i'll have to get back to you when i don't feel so uncharacteristically bashful.
from angelspit609 :
i enjoy reading your musings. as trite as it is to say, i can relate.
from journey2one :
Can I come with you?
from alethia :
I think, perhaps, that if I share my tears around, I won't have to cry so many myself.
from friskyseal :
no, just inside my head. by the way, you've deeply offended my otters but ignoring the fact that i brought them up. the Supreme Council shall not forget this.
from friskyseal :
also trying to not get fired this time. anyway, i'll pass on your request to the Supreme Council of Ott, and see what they say. i have to wait until they look like they're in a good mood.
from friskyseal :
but then i wouldn't be any good?
from kateness :
oh thank you! it warms my heart to know my words reach beyond me...
from gonzoprophet :
of course. the same exact thought passes through a hundred brains, and each expression of the pure thought is at least a little different. i think it has to do with what's in the stars. scores of poorly interpreted horoscopes have thrown people off of the notion but i think there's still some clue in them. tides of emotion
from lostasyou :
Going to my buddy list :)
from darthuae :
yes yes yes. i was just thinking the same thing! we're like a giant hand typing the world away and sometimes we sound exactly the same, which, in any other world, is considered unoriginal, but feels pleasantly simple and comforting around here. i love diaryland.
from cymbals :
i stole "sarcastic eyebrows" from the swedish girl that i work with, but it is a very accurate description. it's weird seeing them look so kindly at me now.
from gonzoprophet :
i feel like it was childish of me to have never advertised those journals for what they really were. but i was a teenager and i thought i was clever. i was reading some of them after i made that post and...christ...thank god for progress. talk about not understanding how little you know! retrospecting is hilarious
from atwowaydream :
the video made me giggle and i spread it all over my 12 facebook friends like the whore that i am. i thank you for that. you make me laugh, and that is always a good thing. i tried emailing you weeks and weeks ago, but you never responded. or i wrote down the wrong address. this happens sometimes.
from atwowaydream :
give me something to watch, darling.
from journey2one :
I wonder if you are the way you are in real life. You connect to people here.
from atwowaydream :
i get that way too. it's not weird at all, maybe it's even natural?
from bridgecity :
thank you grey one
from alethia :
Brave, perhaps, but mostly foolish I think.
from cymbals :
this one was so good, and i needed your advice. don't know if it was meant for me, but consider it taken. thanks.
from atwowaydream :
No, they're just parochial twats.
from bridgecity :
Thank You, Thank You Very Much.
from gonzoprophet :
i wish i had a word that could soothe every pain that's passed through your fingers. but such words can only exist in you, in some internal and secret language. so just know that some gonzo kid is beaming the loving essence of the universe your way, in the fierce hope that it helps you find what you are seeking.
from fat0free0air :
crying, but i love you :) <3 sawap.
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so very much. Your comment really touches me.
from atwowaydream :
I've figured out who quite a few people are and that makes me feel strange. Like, why should I care? I just wanted the stats to tell me the direct link and not have to feel so strange for automatically memorizing numbers. Oh, well. Twenty dollars is twenty dollars. I feel like I have a scarlet letter on me with this bold shit.
from atwowaydream :
What makes us cool is that we can always create new safe spots. Resilience is a beautiful thing.
from dinahsoar :
Thank you. Your comments always mean a lot to me.
from kateness :
how kind! i'm so jazzed for new friends on diaryland. you made my day! xo kate
from atwowaydream :
You're raw and honest with yourself. . . I can totally appreciate that. I'm raising my hands in the air for you. Perhaps even dropping it like it's hot. ;)
from darthuae :
"i wanted to break everyones face who dared to have one." not boring. most days, i try not to pick my face between outfits.
from atwowaydream :
I'm glad I wasn't in that dream, cuz I'd have to bitch-slap you right back and be all, "Damn girl, I don't function well in misery, either!" ps: hi. i know how you feel, really.
from darthuae :
May. 07, 2011. diaryland bit should be on the front page of this site.
from atwowaydream :
So let me get this straight. . . not only am I not a red-head, I'm a non-bacon-eating-non-redhead. Will I ever win your trust back?
from fat0free0air :
fucksticks. another masterpiece!
from fat0free0air :
How the heck do I do that? My whole template is terrible!
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so much.
from atwowaydream :
Maybe cuz I'm so damn fiery! (i.e. don't know when to shut the hell up)
from fat0free0air :
You're kidding me! I haven't heard that song in FOREVER! <3
from fat0free0air :
WTF is that site! Crazy... PS. I love South Park. I just don't have cable :(
from atwowaydream :
Also, pine shavings kind of suck. The initial smell of them may be somewhat pleasant, but then it gives you a headache and suicidal thoughts. At least, I'm hoping it was the pine shavings.
from gonzoprophet :
i know this will sound strange but all i can think is that i'd really like to put my head on your shoulder
from friskyseal :
oh boy...that's a really nice comment, thank you very much.
from atwowaydream :
Glad to know I'm not the only envious bitch in the world. ;)
from alethia :
Yeah, but of all the things I've had to fake over the years, I never wanted to fake this.
from atwowaydream :
This makes me sad all day long, as you're one of my favorites. I'm a hermit too, but I like to run my trap on the internet. I'm the little kid in second grade who would never shut the hell up. If you ever get one. . . come find me.
from fat0free0air :
I don't think you're a dick :) 8===O hehe
from atwowaydream :
aw, i feel you. if you're ever cool with getting AIM viruses, then one day we will chit-chat?
from dinahsoar :
Happy birthday, beautiful one.
from adarkshadow :
Hardly :)
from fat0free0air :
Is it possible we are twins, like really. I'm hitting the bottle again tonight...well right now...applying for jobs tomorrow. In public. Miss your letters :( xoxo
from dinahsoar :
Wow! "maybe it just wanted change" and your entry of March 27th just blew me away! Stunning images & amazing writing!
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so much. I actually know that "fragile boy". The poem wrote itself.
from gonzoprophet :
haha i'm jealous of your decisiveness. my ends remain frazzled and probably will for some time before anything happens. i can't decide whether to make a spectacle of my head or just get a wellneeded trim
from atwowaydream :
Yay! Although you probably thought in your little non-vegetarian do-gooder heart that you were helping out, perhaps you were only aggravating the vegetarian in her natural state further. Yes, we totally want an exploded tomato with balsamic vinegar when everyone else is eating steak and chicken wings.
from eatmorepizza :
Hey, read your note. Wasn't sure if there was sarcasm there? Unfortunately it's easier to write on bad days than good, I'll work on that :)
from atwowaydream :
I loved that episode, as I loved them all. I actually took a little tape recorder up to the tv set when I was fourteen and recorded Jordan Catalano singing that "Red" song about his car. . . or was it Angela?
from atrandom :
Thanks for randomly reading me. I like your thought process and how it pools into your own sort of English. You have a remarkable voice. I read your last handful of writings and think I can relate, as in, I dig your creative river.
from fat0free0air :
let alone hold a lone cigarette LOVE this line.
from journey2one :
Really love your latest entry. 3/17/11.
from xokaythenx :
Thank you. I am sorry you revisit such a place. But I suppose that's the world we live in.
from strayrecluse :
i'm not depressed anymore because i'm on medication. i do leave the house more often than i did a few months ago, but still, it's not even comparable to how i used to be. i just don't know what else i can do.
from strayrecluse :
yes, i'll find it again and it'll be ripped away from me again. it's how my life has been.
from atwowaydream :
it's not even a matter of support. it's a matter of you feeling better.
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so much.
from atwowaydream :
I remember one of my first English Composition essays I wrote in my first year of college. I used words like balmy and eternal and I was quite satisfied with it. Until I got it back. She slaughtered me down to the size of a flea. . . but you're a quick learner, and let it break you down for a minute, then take it and climb the fuck back up. You have it in you, regardless of whether some days you doubt it.
from fat0free0air :
I'm selfish too because I feel the same way about your diary. It's like, when I don't know how to describe what's going on in my head I just have to read your diary and it's like it explains a lot to me - not that we're the same but your perspective on things mean a lot to me. Okay ya let's face it, we are similar in a few ways haha :). Don't be concerned - I have 9 lives, so I have 6 left. I'm exploring why I've been having these blackouts, it isn't the first time, and I would really like to know why. All I know is that it happened before the meds, and that I usually have a week of nightmares and ever worse sleeps than normal before it. After the blackouts I could sleep for a week without waking up. I want it fixed, I terrify myself sometimes. I'd love to be in contact with you! I'm really flattered that you would ask me that - send me your info, let's keep in touch!
from cymbals :
that was excellent!
from gonzoprophet :
haha exactly. ah man just thinking about pogs takes me RIGHT back to being 10 on the gifted school playground
from cymbals :
hey i like yours too and now we are mutual diaryland friends. represent!
from atwowaydream :
pink moons make for the best introspection.
from strayrecluse :
i guess it's pretty telling of my life right now that i stayed home on a saturday night to put sad songs together.
from fat0free0air :
Let's steal a boat. hah.
from fat0free0air :
When I find out why you're the first to know, I hope you can get out of bed more often :) xoxo
from fat0free0air :
I am a scientist. Well no, I'm not... But I'm pretty experienced with chemicals :)
from atwowaydream :
Added Boy's Life to my Amazon Wish List, so thank you. And yes, the way the all of the characters had such varied fears that it almost became singular. . . made me feel like a child again. A bit uncomfortable, but amazing to be transported through a book.
from strayrecluse :
i'm a scientist and i can tell you that it's not the motivated that reproduce...if anything it's those who are uneducated or rash. natural selection works in strange ways. just gotta put them zygotes out there and hope they fit together.
from atwowaydream :
The nineties! ::sighs wistfully:: all that recklessness, all those drugs, all that awesome garage music.
from dinahsoar :
I love today's entry. Very mysterious and compelling ... what happens next?
from dinahsoar :
Your note means a lot. Thanks!
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so much.
from atwowaydream :
from fat0free0air :
Merry Christmas to you as well! I've been lurking around the site but didn't feel like I had anything to contribute in the state I was in. Cheers to better days! Just gotta remember to breathe :) xoxo
from dinahsoar :
So true, huh?
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so much. I can't tell you how it makes me feel that you would find yourself repeating one of my lines in your head.
from strayrecluse :
i definitely see myself in some of your writing. especially: "universe, what's up? where are you going with all of this?" ;) x
from bridgecity :
Thank you for reading. I appreciate.
from dinahsoar :
Painfully lovely poem.
from atwowaydream :
I know how it feels to want to hermit yourself up until things seemingly disappear. But I really want to see your tattoo! ;) Seriously, you should take a picture. Tattoos are like stories, or paragraphs of a story, and I'm sure you have some tales to tell.
from dinahsoar :
Just read today's entry. You sound so hurt. Sometimes when we're hurt we want to hurt ourselves worse than we've been hurt because at least we're in control. But that so betrays the child within, who is already hurt. If we can sit with the feelings (easy to say, hard to do), honor and acknowledge our "child", at least we are not re-traumatizing ourselves. And your writing is a wonderful vehicle for externalizing the pain.
from dinahsoar :
Thank you for your wonderful affirmation of my writing! It's fun sharing that Barbie cake with you!
from dinahsoar :
"Synonym" especially struck me. I felt myself melting into your words, saying "Yes! Yes! That's JUST how it is!"
from gonzoprophet :
one mustn't let the drudgery of normal struggle make us forget that inspiring thing in us which defies explanation.
from dinahsoar :
Thank you so much. I am so affected by your writing and am humbled by your appreciation of mine. Thank you for your note.
from dinahsoar :
Just stumbled into your amazing diary. "friend, the grey one, the grey one, friend" touched me deeply, for reasons I cannot even say. It helped me grieve. You are a stunning writer. Thank you.
from aglaia :
Stumbled upon your diary and really like your style. Kind of dreamy in quality, wandering, but in a good way. Thanks.
from atwowaydream :
It's always the ones who think they're perfect who I imagine drop-kicking in the face. Yay for little imperfections. Makes life much more interesting. :)
from atwowaydream :
I'm so glad that you had such a beautiful experience-- I really was crossing my fingers that you would find something that you were looking for, whatever form it would take.
from atwowaydream :
Sending you beautiful spiritual vibes to take with you. I hope you have a life-changing experience.
from catsoul :
Over the years I came up with a mantra that has helped me so much through whatever comes my way. I am passing it on to you, perhaps, it will help you. "To let go; you need to give up control." =^..^=
from duplicitous :
Thank you. You are a marvellous writer.
from gonzoprophet :
it's of great importance to have at least three contingency plans for any location you intend on spending a considerable amount of time in - one for zombies, one for getting sucked into a pigface twilight zone world, and one for abrupt geomagnetic reversal. that shit's serious
from the1warrior :
Thank you for all your kind words, And you did not offend me at all. :) Things are up and down lately, but Im trying to get my barrings, I like the sound of joy that is coming from your last entry. Be good to you.
from atwowaydream :
"swilling it around inside me, getting a taste for the bittersweet."--so pretty.
from atwowaydream :
the fact that you're struggling and actually attempting to change things means more than you probably give yourself credit for, sweetie. i can certainly relate.
from justsanguine :
your writing is amazing by the way....
from justsanguine :
Im glad you like the name. thank you. Yes we are always rotating. But there might not always be someone around to view it. They may come in just as we have flipped to side two. thats why hast is not always a good thing. We need to slow down...and wait. I have to admit, my comments come from frustration at another person. And my quickness to jump to a conclusions.
from atwowaydream :
well obviously crossing your fingers and praying before the jump hasn't worked. perhaps there is an invisible step ladder that neither of us have found.
from avantbedroc :
i must read HN! again. i like DC but all i can remember is hating Miss Wyoming
from atwowaydream :
oh make no mistake. i am a diaryland whore, it's as simple as that.
from avantbedroc :
hey, which d.coupland book did u read?
from fat0free0air :
What's the saying? You can take the girl out of the Bronx but you can't take the Bronx out of the girl? Same thing applies I guess....I hope by moving I take the "Bronx" out of this girl. I really can't afford the "Bronx" when I leave...
from gonzoprophet :
first i have to thank you for introducing me to that juicy word...halcyon. i love the sound of it. i had to reread your note like five times before i registered what it said because i was thinking so fiercely about that word...and then i must admit that i feel that's just about as close to the point of life as you can get - perspective is where man's magic is. you know, for the universe, time isn't a matter of measured beats but a rate of change. all matter changes, influenced and born from what it was a moment ago...but what it was before is dead and gone for all the universe but in memory.
from atwowaydream :
glad you are back from your internet detox. yeah, it's so hard to know how people really feel, the two-faced labyrinth of it all. if someone hangs out with me and decides that i'm possibly not that cool after all, i try to keep in mind that they probably suck anyhow.
from gonzoprophet :
in most instances when i can't come up with a word i'm thinking of, i feel that my brain's just fucking with me...as i generally will think of it within the day. but this one refused to come to me, though i remembered the experience of it quite vividly...i read it in an explanation of a tarot card. i'm still not positive that what i replaced the brackets with is quite what i wanted but the english language being disappointing is not unusual to me.
from journey2one :
"i am and always will be, waiting for a perfect connection" . . .I hear you, sister. I really do. <3
from fat0free0air :
Just gotta find that love for myself again. Feeling super bipolar right now...We need some happy days.
from stardumb :
thanks grey! your diary is very enjoyable as well, and your usage of words and experience is beautiful! :)
from atwowaydream :
i thought i might be going a bit too far with the whole retarded moth thing, but it's the image that came to mind and i have textual blabber-mouth syndrome. does this make me bad?
from stardumb :
beautiful!
from fat0free0air :
Your words are like a thesaurus to my jumbled thoughts. Well said. <3
from fat0free0air :
she lays on a mattress swirls of silver smoke settling in the middle of the room spectral filaments to follow her shoulders loosen up lazilly she inhales soundless, deep, silent the atmosphere pulls itself in she expands into a haze of wine a fags
from atwowaydream :
day two is certainly something to be proud of, although it may seem minor. set yourself your own limits, not the limits that other people abide by. you have the drive to get some control back, and that's the most important thing. and if anyone says anything different, you can drop-kick them in the face for me.
from omfggwtf :
i like your diary, i am going to add you (: xo.
from the1warrior :
Remember the first day is always the worst. My mother is a drug and alcohol counselor and she always says all it takes is two weeks and all the chemicals and SHIT in your brain start to go back to normal. I dont claim to stop for that long but I have been trying. And where do you live that there is no gay bar OMG you need to come visit FL!! Or just hop a bus to the nearest big city kid...GET THAT ASS. lol. But alas you realize that will not help in the long run. I wish you well. :)
from atwowaydream :
and if you were having a dream involving Eminem, please tell him to create songs "Still Don't Give a Fuck" again, because i miss that sort of stuff.
from atwowaydream :
a smile always works for me.
from atwowaydream :
high-give = high-five. i hate to use up another note just to fix my typo, but one day you will forgive me.
from atwowaydream :
'my brain says "this is too much trouble. they will disappoint you, then you'll have to get rid of them.' that's the exact same thing my brain says to me whenever i try to engage in healthy social activity with other people. if i could give you a socially inept textual high-give, i would, but i lack the basic skills.
from fat0free0air :
I don't mind one bit!
from the1warrior :
You did have something identical to that lol I got itfrom you...
from gonzoprophet :
hehe, awesome. that's incredibly kind of you. creep away my sweet stranger friend
from fat0free0air :
Hey thanks for dropping a line! And thanks for reading, relating, and understanding. Yep, I totally have that sick sense of misery about my life, I kinda enjoy the devistation I bring upon myself - it makes me feel somewhat invincible you know, like since I don't fear the worst that nothing will ever happen to me, no matter how much I want it to. Sometimes I feel like I dwell on the negativity just to have something to occupy myself with. Ahh c'est la vie I guess. I mean, I'd like to be happy and all - but maybe I'd be bored? Anyways, thanks for the note, I'm going to check out your diary! :D
from atwowaydream :
"im just chasing down oblivion." -- i think we all feel that way, sometimes.
from atwowaydream :
add me to your favorites so i don't feel retarded and rejected for adding you.
from the1warrior :
Ill def have to check them out. Ill let you know what I think. Oh and btw...the last time never seems to be the last for me either...Its a full time struggle...
from atwowaydream :
your maryjane talks to you too? at least yours sounds philosophical and reasonable. mine sounds a bit like owen wilson.
from the1warrior :
I wouldn't say presumptuous at all as a matter of fact I think it was quite nice of you to say you enjoyed my diary. And as I perused some of your entries I can see how mirroring most definitely comes into play. I put you on my buddy list and definitely plan on reading your entries, I hope you do the same with me :)
from atwowaydream :
some of the coolest gay girls come out of hick towns. they're around, just possibly in hiding. as for the spider: i said a little prayer for it, and i think he forgave you.
from the-grey-one :
i see that some people have been 'following me'. i'm afraid i fell out of the social aspect of this site, but im interested in talking if you have some real stuff to say.. i promise i will respond this time around.

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