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messages to unclebob:
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from candoor :
I saw a note from the one and only you and laughed at the memory of what you used to be which might mean my sick sense of humor has not been completely devoured by cynical awareness, a never ending vow of poverty, or something like that. Memories, may today be even better. :)
from moodswing :
you didn't happen to DJ a wedding in Savannah the weekend of Feb 7th didja?
from cdstacks :
omigosh, in the constant inconsistency of the every changing reality of the life in the world as we know it, it is good to see some stability (imagine you considered stability)... very many thanks for being here doing this thing you do and may life smile wider today and every day :)
from inprivate :
my retarded internet has blocked your diary due to the content! and I'm not some school kid with internet filtering this is MY mobile internet and it won't let me read you! *dead*
from moodswing :
oh my god, you are currently my hero for returning the greatest of "rad f'n pit". i love you
from misfitstray :
As far as I know there won't be 4 more years of Dubyah, as they are only aloud for max. of 8 years, or? So why do you wrote that shit? Yes Palin is the Antichrist, so McCain is... It is SO bothersome to hear her hypocritical opinions! Too fucking bad, that I'm not allowed to vote in the US, as I'm German *sigh*
from mariel :
hurrah! I've missed mister rad and his bong adventures!
from words-4-less :
Linky no worky.
from nilliem :
And this uninitiated is most appreciative!
from carriesplace :
Who is He? and why is he coming? You have me so confuzzled
from awittykitty :
Jesus is coming?? Who? Who?
from argentum :
He is coming in five...what? Who exactly is 'he' and what do I care what he comes in?
from stepfordtart :
Both my kids have had 'The' croup - if Andrew gets it again, you could try sitting him in whichever room is the smallest in your house (we favour the downstairs loo) and taking a kettle in with you on a long extension lead. Boil the kettle with the lid off (so the auto cut-out thingy doesnt work) and just boil, boil, boil. When the room fills up with steam - hence the need for a SMALL room! - just sit back and suck up the steam. Helps a lot to ease the throat passages. Honest. And if you kind of close your eyes, you can imagine you're in a sauna with some foxy Swedish chick, rather than sat on the lav seat, sweating like a navvy, with a barking kid on your lap. s x
from d33j44 :
Wow Bob, I've been reading your site for a long time. I have watched your family grow up and thru many things as well as admire your work ethic and persistence. I hope to continue to enjoy this site even if it isn't everyday anymore. So seriously, cut back on your obligations man! The boy and careers are a lot alone! You will thank yourself later for slowing down some now, especially if your health is suffering!
from haloaskew :
OMG UB...I was dying laughing over your spooky incident with Wheelie. The whole time, I couldn't help but think about a gal I know on Second Life, who's disabled in real life...but sometimes she shows up inworld, on a *dance floor*, with her avatar in a virtual wheelchair. Considering this is a world where you can do anything, look like a goddess with the greatest set of (WORKING) gams imaginable, dontcha think she'd can the wheelchair? I'm suddenly wondering if Wheelie has a Second Life account...
from awittykitty :
I just watched "Different Strokes" actor Gary Coleman on "Divorce Court". Short people ARE angry. Watch out Uncle Bob!
from wordwhore :
flip her like a turtle *chuckle* too funny...especially since my MIL once actually did that to my FIL - and he weighed considerably more than 90 lbs. My BIL was physically attacked by a woman matching your turtle lady's description, though, so count yourself lucky!
from vicunja :
Try him with these classics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9WvXFUg2Ls - can't believe he's 7, tho. Last I read your illustrious UncleBob diary, he was still in nappies... that's diapers. Must stop by more often!
from tigrefatalis :
Classical music is a great training device, my dear, Uncle Bob. Of course, Grieg was a little... weird. Still, if Andrew is going to go into vocals, having classical training will strengthen his sound dramatically. Glad to see you're still posting. Blessings to you and your family. Still hate cheese? *grins*
from argentum :
Merry Christmas, Bobbo. I appreciate you keeping this going. Honestly? I feel like I've learned a ton of shit from you. And I keep waiting for you to have a syndicated column nationwide like Dave Barry or Lewis Grizzard. Barry's gone, so...why don't you pick up the slack? Get an agent, and get it done!
from tranntpigge :
celebrtities in fatsuits? i agree; it's atrocious. you know what a better method of suffering would be? to make them be bulimic for a day. not pretend britneyspears or lindsaylohan bulimia, but real bulimia; you know, where they actually have bulimic symptoms. just for a day, make them be, say a 21yearold boy attending a large university in the midwest, working at a grocery store, who may damn well be the worst bulimic the world has ever known. everyday the same. not tasting, chewing, knowing that he's eating until all the food is gone. crying, screaming, clawing in anguish, so afraid of getting fat. have them down 120 laxatives at once and see if they survive to suffer his severly damaged stomach and intestine lining, or if they just drop over dead from the severe toxicity. make them gag themselves futily, bodies convulsing to heave up air. so afraid of getting fat. workout like a maniac for three hours. riding a stationary bike at 40mph. bingeing and purging two, five, seven times a day. never eating a real meal. oh, but never getting skinny, because bulimics generally are at normal weight or a little above. of course, they would have his same family, full of morbidly obese adults, whom he feels sorry for because they try and fail to diet so frequently, suffer severe health problems, and have thereby created his lifelong obsession with eating and puking, eating and poisoning himself, until it gradually consumed his life, and now he is nothing but a mia; hates all food. then maybe they could have the skinny little bitch endure years of therapy to maybe recover, but develop justplain bingeeating disorder instead, and truly become fat, never losing the weight. ever. then they would know what it's like to be a realperson. provided mia doesn't kill them first.
from frankzappa :
Hi UB. I've been reading your diary for a long time and have really enjoyed it. Thanks. Just wanted to mention a TV series that might give you an interesting view on Aspergers. It's called Regenesis. Now it is a Canadian show, but it's about scientists fighting biological terrorists, so that's pretty cool. One of the best characters is a scientist named Bob, who has Aspergers. He's different, super nice, and the one the other scientists come to when they can't figure things out. I don't know how closely it resembles reality in that respect, but it seems to suggest that when surrounded by understanding people, people with Aspergers can thrive. I guess what I'm saying is Regenesis is a great show that has a brilliant dude in it who has Aspergers. Take care and all the best.
from bleedenheart :
i'm having withdrawls.
from fester1964 :
hi just a brit lad first time reading...you are a very funny man....look forward to next madness
from princesse69 :
Was just checking out random diaries on D'land and so glad I found yours. Your little tale of the speeding-to-get-the-toilet drama really made me giggle! (sorry I found your misfortune so amusing). I will definitely be back here so I am added you to my list. Hope you're having a good day there.
from haloaskew :
Can't access your comments page for some reason, but wanted to let you (and THE PEOPLE) know that Brandi Carlile is also available on the Rhapsody music service. I'm totally in love with "The Story" now. Thanks, Unca Bob!
from haloaskew :
Can't access your comments page for some reason, but wanted to let you (and THE PEOPLE) know that Brandi Carlile is also available on the Rhapsody music service. I'm totally in love with "The Story" now. Thanks, Unca Bob!
from mojo-jojo712 :
when i was a kid everyone gave my mom crap about me being underweight and unhealthy and i needed therapy and my grandmother had the best advice, when shes hungry she'll eat she won't starve herself to death. so i say do the same with andrew. im as finnicky as they come but im still living. he wont starve himself and slowly start to eat other foods. the therapist sounds like abuse.... as for borat....i thought i would be disappointed with it as well, but it is actually quite funny and very entertaining. good luck:)
from somaserious :
Hee, hee. You're a righteously funny guy, Uncle Bob!!! Can't wait 'till I have more time to read your archives.... Soma
from haloaskew :
Dear Uncle Bob ~ you should be receiving a little Diaryland gift soon. Consider it my way of paying back the master. You were my inspiration. Four years later, I'm still going strong. Best to you and your family!
from artgnome :
Hey Uncle Bob;Happy New Year. Nothing like putting past crap behind you to start the new year fresh. I for one have never been a gold member. I use Blogtools for free comments and ImageShack to post photos. No reason to not enjoy Diaryland while still having some perks.
from awittykitty :
Don't go Uncle Bob. No I can't pay your gold membership because I'm po', but don't go. My brother does karaoke in clubs as a DJ and I love hearing about all the geeks, since he won't blaspheme his clientele like you. Congrat on the iPod BTW.
from roadside123 :
The new (and old) My Chemical Romance album is amazing; you have good taste. I have to say, though, I've been reading your blog for about two years or so and I didn't have you pegged as the MCR type but I like you more now because of it. Keep writing, I like the new tone.
from sixxgunn :
As always, you continue to be an inspiration. I used to have a diary here called "Ridin' the Shortbus". I've decided to try it again, after reading you. So... thanks! Please don't stop writing!
from nixtress :
Hey there. I just caught up a bit on your Uncle Bobness and literally just finished reading your entry dated 7/28/06. My condolences on the passing of your mom. I'm sorry for your loss. As for your situation with your son Andrew, I can understand a little what you're going through. I also have a quirky boy. My son Trevor turned 10 in May and was diagnosed in July with Asperger's Syndrome. He's always had quirks, always been a boy who was happiest on the outskirts of life...I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. It's a blow to hear those words, I know. Sending good thoughts your way.
from wifemotherme :
Probably not, but get your ass back in here anyway!
from deareddie :
For goodness sake, Thank you, Uncle Bob. It's been a good damn time. You may never read this, but you helped me say fu the editors and actually got me published. Who knew? If, for some crazy reason, you get to Idaho, AKA, Boise, send me a note, I'll find good things and insane people for you (That is, insane people with children) to have fun with. Well. Let's be realistic. I'll steer you towards a bar or five. Cheers, love.
from frankzappa :
Sorry you feel you have to censor yourself UB. That blows. Maybe a good 'Drew Dog' entry might do you some good. Surely his circle of acquaintences aren't too internet savvy yet? 'His' concert description is one of the funniest blog entries I've ever read. Regardless, thanks for all of the brilliant entries. FZ
from kelly :
I wish I could retire from diaryland as gracefully as you have, Uncle Bob. I'll never forget you (or Brad Pitt.) Rock on:)
from jenniam :
I will miss you UB -- Love, your favorite lesbian.
from cheplotti :
Hey Uncle Bob, I've been a fan since I stumbled onto your page some time ago. I'm a college student, and I work in an office on campus a few days a week, so I've been missing your stories that usually start off my working days. Well, I hope you find it, where ever it went, also hope you and your family are well. Keep on rockin, J
from hzgrimm :
The Ellen Show is looking for a new DJ! GO FOR IT!!
from bigg-lady :
Freaking hilarious diary, dude. It's always good for a laugh when I need it. :D Bigg
from moosehunter :
Bob. Apologise for my lack of grammar and punctuation. Quite late at night and I hate bad grammar and punctuation! Moosehunter
from moosehunter :
Uncle Bob. Ben reading recently and am anticipating what will happen with the new family in our village (as in English, green and churches rather than 'The Village' in the US). We tried to get a house but it price was too high (£750 per month!!!) The family that have now got the house have 7 kids. SEVEN! How can they afford the house? What will the kids be like? Must be Catholic or really enjoy the 'humpty'! Moosehunter
from roadiepig :
Long time, no comment... I read somehing about "Larry the Cable Guy" the other day- about how he was some caller on a local radio station in Florida, and how he did multiple different skits (including an old redneck and a gay poof)and the "Larry the Cable Guy" crap took off, and now? He is some kind of media star, basically playing off of the "I hate everyone but my kind" of hate. He makes me puke. And my co-workers seem to LOVE him. And I (if you remember)live in Bumfuck, Illinois.So I have had to live with this crap my whole life. Racism, in any form, SUCKS! Whether it comes from some "fake" preacher, who uses race to make him a few extra bucks (Sharpton comes first to mind, but there are many(Pat Robertson), or if it is the latest "open minded" cretin who uses race to win a few more converts (take you pick of the latest white race mongers) It all sucks. I don't bother you very often, but "Larry the" shithead makes me want to puke. I'm just glad you seem to have the same attitude as me....
from moosehunter :
Wotcher Uncie Bob. Wish you were intercontinental. Getting married in August and, given my choice I'd have Pork Tornado design the invites, Dangerspouse do the catering and you DJ it. Unfortunately, the chances of you being in a small village in Northern England anywhere near are quite small. I'll just have to resign myself to reading about your exploits instead. Incidentally, I work for and Insurance Company (though 'spit, curse' I try not to admit that in public) and we insure a British Piss Boy. It's suprising what you find perusing the company database for rude words!!! Ciao for now and drop by my page any time you like. Was reading yours 2 years before I started mine. Moosehunter
from moose83 :
You are really funny. Thanks for making me smile.
from sixelasauce :
While I was watching Survivor last night I saw the weirdest commercial. It was for comcast. There was a sweetass d.j in the background...and an old couple dancing on the floor. It reminded me of one of your entries where you talk about doing a regular gig and the old people come to dance. It was very much your discription of that entry. Seriously...I think that someone in advertising is reading your diary and makie $$ from your life!!! (those bastards) I got your back!
from fairygodmum :
Happy Birthday Andrew! What I'd give to have a New Toy like that guess I'd better watch Little Einsteins so I can learn how to build one ehhhh??? Hugzzz Uncle Bob, come by and give me a critique on my paintings I posted. K... Bebe da FairyGodMum
from theswordsman :
Hi Uncle Bob. Congrats on the tie. John
from mercuryrain :
hi
from payoolay :
There was a Sex and the City episode about grey pubes ... Samantha's hot young boyfriend ("Smith") wanted her to grow hers because she was always clean-shaven and he thought it would be sexy. She did - and was horrified that they grew in grey. She dyed them, the colour didn't take (looked like a clown wig in her crotch) and she shaved 'em off again (Smith wasn't privy to a viewing). Gotta love Samantha Jones!!!
from annanotbob :
Hi there Bob, just a quickie in response to your comments about Little Britain. I think it has been vastly over-hyped but what I like about it is that, sad to say, these characters are so familiar. They've hardly had to do anything to make them grotesque - I teach in schools that are packed with girls just like Vicki Pollard, I know two guys who could have modelled for 'the only gay in the village' - I could go on... but this isn't going to make you laugh at it. Funniest thing on over here right now is 'Extras'. Wish I could have a go on your lawn mower...
from moosehunter :
Hi Uncle Bob. Newbie here as a member, but long-time fan. Drop by some time and say hi...
from spunkyhottie :
You are cool and funny you can make me laugh when my day looks like crap thanks and can i add you??~CHEY~
from annanotbob :
ps check out the Alabama 3 'Exit to Coldharbour Lane' - I think you'll like it. Their track 'Woke up this morning' was used as the theme to The Sopranos.
from annanotbob :
Fantastic - I'm 51 and I like rap (anything Dr Dre is involved in) but I've been surrounded by it for years due to teenagers. Enjoying your diary.
from chatterer :
i love this column! and i've never had an old, weird uncle before, heh! heh! heh! it's a mitzvah!
from sweetphatty :
i get so downtrodden when i can't view your diary.. it does it to me all the time bob-orino... :tear: not really.. but im secretly pissed off
from wowitsme :
Ok seriously, you must have one of the funniest diaries I've ever read. You should be proud, I'm never able to hold attention to anything longer than 10 minutes, but your diary was an exception. I see you smiling, yes I do.
from valkyrie1223 :
If you changed the wording alittle, unclebob the normal diary could become unclebob the hot steamy sex diary... you know you wwaannnnaa? Guess not then...
from als-pals :
Welllll, I DON'T know you in real life, BUT, I've never written you a comment either. I've been reading your site for about 8 months now. You're hysterical, I love it, the end! Thanks for the entertainment!!! And best of luck at the tux shop, that has to be "good" times!
from als-pals :
Welllll, I DON'T know you in real life, BUT, I've never written you a comment either. I've been reading your site for about 8 months now. You're hysterical, I love it, the end! Thanks for the entertainment!!! And best of luck at the tux shop, that has to be "good" times!
from ratherbored :
fight the power Uncle Bob! I believe in you!
from darcy-farrow :
still not working . . . :( This mama's lttle baby DO love shortnin' bread. Welcome Back. Interesting how movies we used to love just seem lame through older, jaded eyes.
from bluemeany :
Unless my Sunday School teacher was lying, Jesus still loves the little children ... and their parents. My back-slidden head will be bowed for that family.
from mr-wednesday :
did you know there is band called unkle bob in glasgow scotland? they are great!!! www.unklebob.com
from f-i-n :
(fake) hugs and kisses back to ya!
from icefacade :
i'm glad i'm not the only one completely befuddled by that commercial
from crazy4muffin :
Interview me. Even though you look exactly like an ex of mine that still owes me $800. Bastard.
from lost-family :
your story was very intersting, do all guys think that??
from amandabean :
hey uncle bob. I've written to you a few times over the years, but normally just a longtime reader. I'm a six year diarylander, but have read you regularly over that long period of time. however, I've decided to split with my diaryland, and go with my own domain. I'm now going to be at www.she-kvetches.com. I just wanted to let you know, and to tell you that you've been great (and brutal) with your honesty over the years, and it's been very appreciated. keep on rockin' in the free world. -amandabean
from bluemeany :
Hey ... you mean some people get WEEKENDS OFF?? Holy shit. See, I thought one day off every three weeks was what EVERYONE was doing. I may have to register a complaint with Uncle Sam. By the way, I have an idea for a mix tape: Songs Which Everybody Find Offensive. Just a thought. -Meany
from sunstargirl :
awesome site you have here. Thanks for sharing the laughs!
from mojo-jojo712 :
symptoms needed for xanax: anxiety, stress, trouble sleeping due to the first 2. it's really just an anti-anxiety medication that really mellows you out. and as far as being groggy the trick with xanax is you need a caffeine filled beverage in the morning, then you're golden!
from sampotato :
I laughed so hard about the Fish Dicks that I nearly wet myself. This is a great entry and a truly funny anecdote! Thank you.
from smiletenshi :
As a long-time reader of UncleBob with my morning tea, I would like to put my case before you. A poor college student, I am looking to go to Ft.Myers for five days this summer to get a bit of a vacation. The college semesters and the winter have indeed taken a toll on my nerves, and I feel at wit's end. Unfortunately, as a college student who has been victimized by the current economy, I cannot afford to go to Ft.Myers on my own. I will admit, I yanked the PayPal donations idea from PorkTornado's entry about DDR and put up my own. It can be found at http://smiletenshi.diaryland.com/vacation.html What I am asking, is that you link to me on an entry on your page. In return, I will be forever groveling in gratitude and link to you on my own diary, your face on my sidebar (image and linked) and proclaim the wonderful wonders that is Uncle Bob. You, being such a better writer than I, get so many more hits and having this exposure would help me greatly. Please, take a moment and read http://smiletenshi.diaryland.com/vacation.html Thanks for your time. Sincerely, SmileTenshi
from haloaskew :
Remember the line ET used in the Reese's Pieces commercials? He pointed at the display and said: "Eee-fa-gra-moo-fa-bitz." I made a point to memorize it, for reasons I'm still not able to grasp. (Oddly, I didn't see the movie until the 90's).
from haloaskew :
I am all for taking out the feeding tube to let her go, but it's sad it'll take her like FOREVER (ok, tomorrow, Wednesday?) to die. Geh. I wish they could just end it all already. But if they're having this much trouble taking her tube out, giving her an injection of happy-bye-bye-juice is not on the radar. I wish her parents would ACCEPT her fate already -- it's been 15 years. They need to break up and marry their lovers (it's coming, I'm telling you). HER PARENTS are the bad guys...how could they want their sweet daughter (who WAS good-looking way back when) to stay in a vegetative state FOREVER? It's so selfish. Can they honestly think that she would WANT to be kept in this condition? People want to bring her water and food. Why can't anyone smuggle in a gun NOW, when it would actually do some good?
from amberstone :
:::sighs::: That is so sad. Although it's not that women like her want "bad guys" or they enjoy abuse; it's that many women are so desperate for male strength that they mistake asshole-ness for strength. As much as society has tried to de-genderize us, some of us still crave the old-fashioned male and female roles, at least in the bedroom and behind closed doors. Men and women can both dress up in our Power Suits to fight the Corporate Dragons, get numerous degrees, be smart as hell in the workplace, but some of us women still want to feel feminine and protected by our big strong men when we come home again. Perhaps most especially attractive women. It gets really tireseome having every single guy go all gaa-gaa and wimpy on you just because of your looks. Unfortunately, some women, in seeking out that guy who will be the Alpha Male to their Alpha Female, commit a grave error in judgement when they finally meet a man who seems strong because he doesn't fall all over himself when he sees her and he doesn't let her walk all over him. They mistake this for strength and become very attracted. But all too often it's calculated manipulation on the part of the guy; it's not that he's strong; he's actually as you said, Bob: an asshole who is abusive to women. He sees her desire as clearly as a beacon and goes out of his way to exploit this in her. The sex is usually very powerful for her. Explosively so and perhaps for the very first time, she's with a man who knows all the right things to say in order to touch that private and deep part of her that is so desperate for a feeling of belonging. It may be even the first time she really has an orgasm to boot. This all combines to bind her really close to the guy and when the abuse starts, she's so far gone, she accepts it. To her, there seems to be little choice. She can leave him and try to work out a relationship with what she views as a "weak" man, the kind men she's met before that didn't know how to handle her or what she needed, or she can stay with this guy who at least understands how to give her part of what she craves. So yes, she feels trapped. She thinks it's the price she must pay and that there cannot be anyone one else who will give her what she needs from a man. Finally she starts to believe the things he says and begins to die a little inside bit by bit. God, I feel so sorry for her. Because if she only realized that so MANY men DO want to be strong and loving both and will give her what she wants if she could only be honest with them and herself in the beginning about what she is looking for. She CAN have it all, if she could only gather up enough courage to look for it. Sorry for the length. Sorry for the philosophizing. Sorry for the extreme projection, since I don't know this woman and I based all of this on so many other women I've known, including myself. Touched a nerve, sorry, couldn't help it.
from windylady :
I am only 2 degrees from Kevin Bacon. Woot! I was in the movie RUDY with Sean Astin, who was in White Water Summer with Kevin Bacon. Which makes me at the most about 4 degrees from any other popular famous person according to the Oracle :) Now, since I am leaving a note for you, and in essence 'speaking' to you, do you think that would make you 3 degrees from Kevin Bacon? I don't know all the rules...I'm just trying to help ya out :)
from betholindo :
Why not just download DVDs online? It's just the next step from music and there are plenty of (foreign) websites where you can do it legally for about a dollar a movie. You can take the money you save and renew your SuperGold membership.
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
Ptooey! I knew being first was too good to be true.
from haloaskew :
Getting your story straight for the cops there, UB? Or should I say "Jack"?
from wordwhore :
time to pay the diaryland man...i say phooey to no comments section!
from bluemeany :
Uncle Bob, would you do something awesome for me? I write for an Army newspaper, and I'm in Baghdad right now. If I get some photos of soldiers in your locality, and send them to you, would you run 'em in your paper and give me photo credit? I'm trying to build up a portfolio for when I get out of the fucking Army. Please! I'll be your best friend! I read your diary every day! Add flattering comment here!
from asloves92 :
hi uncle bob! its alexandra sloves. how are you feeling? anyways, i got my appendix out so i am stuck at home all week! give us a call! love, alexandra
from blazingstar :
Unclebob, I can't function without reading you every morning. Thanks for existing.
from deareddie :
Bob, I cannot possibly overstate my glee at your new employment! (Not that, of course, I wasn't pleased that you were gainfully employed as a piss-boy, you understand) I wish you well. Have you read Basket Case by Carl Hia(whatever)son? Made me think, fondly, of you.
from knife977wt :
Uncle Bob I need your help. I am the worst at putting songs together so that one song leads to another and sounds good. Can you put together a list of about 20 songs from the 70's so that I can make a decent CD for my car? I would really appreciate it. Thanks, the knife knife977wt@hotmail.com
from purplecigar :
Hi there. I sure do appreciate the shout out! I didn't create this survey it was laid upon me as well. I just wanted to clear that up mostly because if I had created the survey? I'd like to think I would have used a little better grammar.
from dogsdinner :
Everyone has an uncle bob, but i bet if you came over to my house, you wouldn't drink all of my cough syrup and vanilla extract like mine did
from blueiceflame :
Hey. Merry late X-mas. Yeah, I'm stupid. ;)
from invisibledon :
happy holidays
from bitchslap69 :
merry christmas, unk!
from deareddie :
Ah, the joy of random notes from strangers: About the V-tech V-smile thing--double check your order, the ones we sell at my mediawhorehouse don't come with power cords--and, poeticly, we don't sell the powercords either. So hit Radio Shack. Or just stock up on loooooots of batteries. Merry Holidays, Uncle Bob's Family!
from suicideblond :
heh - you're right, djing is one occupation where everyone thinks they know better than you, even though you could read the crowd in your sleep. i tend to stick with 80's classics, as they are what my particular crowds get into... last week, a 10-year-old boy came up to me and said, "can you play some good music?" i looked at him and deadpanned: "no."
from tephanies :
Love your work!
from wordwhore :
oh, yeah, and it's into the mystic by van morrison
from wordwhore :
in case 42,000 haven't already told you - someone forgot to update his gold membership - or decided he could no longer afford the poshness of a gm now that he carries pee all day.
from cosmicrayola :
My all time favorite song? Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. Ok, I'm a nerd. So sue me.
from onewetleg :
onewetleg can't puctuate for shit. film at 11. creep by radiohead. the acoustic version.
from onewetleg :
ub let's his supergold membership lapse. film at 11.
from weymouth66 :
Sit Down by James.
from treesssa :
Seamus-Pink Floyd
from goldylockz22 :
Purple Rain...now go update your membership...
from d1mndn3r0ugh :
FYI>>>I tried to answer your favorite song question and got a Diaryland SuperGold Member error msg. :(
from fargahar :
Your comments seem to not be working so... Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac is my all time favorite song.
from wildrose1 :
happy thanksgiving. (((((((((hugs))))))))
from wildrose1 :
you always make me smile with the funny outlooks. I feel the same way about alot of the same things. I just can't find the words. Thanks again, you rawk. (((((((((hugs)))))))
from shutupnkisme :
me again...yup shared your story with some best buy employees, including my manager, they all laughed....i think we all think its hilarious because you hit every topic right on the head, like the alarm going off, the ad in the paper...who knows...your story is on our bulletin board in the employee break room...remember best buy loves you too...
from halcyone8 :
just surfed in and found your diary. one big bowl of humor i immediately loved. very refreshing to read on. makes life a bit easier for all of us. mind if i add you? it's more of actually letting you know i did already... hehe. consider me one of your many fans. have a good day.:)
from shutupnkisme :
yo unclebob, you crack me up, i needed a good laugh tonight...i guess i think what happened at best buy is awfully funny because i work at one....ive just gotta share your story, do you mind if i bring it in to bb, youll really be famous then...ha ...lemme know
from korn-19 :
Hey, there.. I just want to say that I love your diary, and it is by far one of the more interesting ones out there. You have superb writing skills, and you clearly put them to good use. You seem like a very interesting character... mind if I put you on my buddy list?
from korn-19 :
Hey, there.. I just want to say that I love your diary, and it is by far one of the more interesting ones out there. You have superb writing skills, and you clearly put them to good use. You seem like a very interesting character... mind if I put you on my buddy list?
from shutupnkisme :
Hey dont you know, they stopped making twinkies and ho hos....so now your going to have to live in a shack and eat sumptin else, whatll it be?
from bonnylisbon :
I came across your diary once a long time ago and kind of lost track of it. I found it again today and am so fucking glad I did. I would've have killed to be a witness to that fantastic wedding! It sounded so... classy and elegant!
from whatloveisnt :
found your diary, liked it read it and want to read more :)
from starchik336 :
THIRD DAY isn't so bad. an dif you happen to be into christian contemporary, i'd say they rock. lol.
from cindylou03 :
unclebob, i just have to say one more thing. ha..this is really cool..when i was reading your latest entry..you said something about your loogies being the size of dinner plates..and i was thinking how that sounds like something dave barry would say. and then..i looked at your profile..and found that he is one of your favorite writers. that's just fantastic. i love him, too.
from cindylou03 :
hey uncle bob. i actually have an uncle bob..well, 7 altogether, to be exact. anyway..that's why your diary caught my eye. every once in a while...i go and read diaries of people i don't know. and to make my doing so have a point, i leave a note letting the person know i read their stuff. so...there you go. this is your official 'let you know'. yours truly, cindy
from chilidogma :
Hey Uncle Bob: I was checking out diaries who've listed Ayn Rand as a favorite, found "Ideaguy," wanted to send him a note (his notes don't work), found YOU as one of HIS faves, and I discover that your diary is HILAROUS! Laughed out LOUD, for real. Tell Ideaguy to turn his notes on. Meanwhile, you're going on my favorites. Chili
from fairygodmum :
Did you ever think that your son has a crush on that Barbie Purse Gurl... it's NOT about the Purse.. it's Who's Holdin IT! tee hee.. Hugz, da FairyGodMum... btw.. think happy thoughts.. hope your toof feels better soon.
from bluejay785 :
Stay safe during Ivan.
from hippe :
That was not a panty raid. A panty raid is when you enter the dorm and take the panties. You and your fellow geeks were given a Panty Pity Party. It is proven when you said you gave back the panty in a brown paper bag! Pity such a pair of panties were parceled to perch on a pathetic person of passive peril. Take care.
from hippe :
That was not a panty raid. A panty raid is when you enter the dorm and take the panties. You and your fellow geeks were given a Panty Pity Party. It is proven when you said you gave back the panty in a brown paper bag! Pity such a pair of panties were parceled to perch on a pathetic person of passive peril. Take care.
from raceyred :
A hetero man who likes Radiohead AND Welcome to the Dollhouse? I LOVE YOU!!!!!
from deareddie :
Everyone tells you to drink echinaccea tea when you're sick. It works pretty well if you believe in it. Myself, I would go towards the Theraflu for nighttime and the Alka-seltzer for daytime. They taste pretty bad, like diet drinks, but they should do the trick. Think drugs and feel better!
from dark-doll :
Aug.21st. Aw that neighbor's girl. hahah poor thing. <3 courage.
from bluejay785 :
...For characters jobs, try a teacher, then you can have them complain about the class/classes they teach...
from sunstarr :
how about this profession: Taxedermist?? Much love to my Uncle Bob. You rock no matter what! *hugs*
from hamiltonian :
I just wanted to say blah.
from tastyskittle :
At least you didn't walk in on the kid. My younger brother walked into my parents family room only to find our nephew (little bit younger then my brother) whacking off to the Sabrina the teenaged witch on T.V. kid was whacking in his Grandmas family room the bathroom is at least private
from ratherbored :
hah, Andrew's new name reminds me of when my sister changed her name to the number 5. "Carly could you pass the brocolli?" *awkward 5 second pause* "I'm sorry. NUMBER 5 could you pass the brocolli? Thanks."
from daydreamz- :
~ I Love It ~ Knowing you won't have time to write me back/respond or anything but just wanted to say that I love it! xxx Lee
from sunstarr :
I am but one measley woman, but I'd hate to see you go! No matter what you write, I'm amused and entertained. That's not to say that it's your job to amuse or entertain me! You have a real gift with the written word and I'd hate to have to say good-bye!! Please don't go, Uncle Bob. Just like K.C. and his Sunshine Band say, "Please Don't Go"!
from sunstarr :
I am but one measley woman, but I'd hate to see you go! No matter what you write, I'm amused and entertained. That's not to say that it's your job to amuse or entertain me! You have a real gift with the written word and I'd hate to have to say good-bye!! Please don't go, Uncle Bob. Just like K.C. and his Sunshine Band say, "Please Don't Go"!
from sunstarr :
I am but one measley woman, but I'd hate to see you go! No matter what you write, I'm amused and entertained. That's not to say that it's your job to amuse or entertain me! You have a real gift with the written word and I'd hate to have to say good-bye!! Please don't go, Uncle Bob. Just like K.C. and his Sunshine Band say, "Please Don't Go"!
from daath :
Ahhh, a Hunter S. Thompson fan. This is megolithic bueno.
from taliana1 :
Hehe..I remember Rock City--I went when I was a kid. I try to visit my family in TN each year, and yea, I had to laugh when you were talkin about the barns and all the signs telling you to "See Rock City," they are everywhere! How nice about the time share thing. :)
from maydenl :
I came across your diary today and found it hilarious.Is it ok if I add u to my buddylist?
from ibepiglet :
When you post again, will you reveal just how many aliases used in the comments doo-dad were really you?
from brandi-babe :
I hope everything is OK. I miss reading you.
from chaostraffic :
Dude, what happened to you? Enquiring minds want to know.
from coolgirl374 :
cool well maby stop by my diary and leave a not bye
from coolgirl374 :
hi cool diary you are an auther cool well maby stop bye mine and leavea note
from lobojo :
Uncle Bob...Uncle Bob...please update...your many many fans are concerned!!! Whatta matta you?!?!?!?
from try-me24 :
damn you unclebob i just ran across your diary read like 4 entries and cannot stop laughing until i saw that you had over 1000 posts so i am guessin that i will start fresh in the morning as it is 10pm and i am sleepy
from second-love :
Ok... so im SICK TO DEATH of hearin bout "unclebob" hahahahaha so i HAD to check ya out! and ill be damned... you ARE FREAKIN funny :) son of a bitch... now i have to add ONE MORE diary to my list!!! how the hell am i supposed to get all those mundane tasks like dishes, laundry, dinner, mopping, masturbating (ummmmmmm that WAS on your list, right *grin*) - oh well screw it... i added ya!
from missbabs :
Uncle Bob, just wanted to let you know I gave up crack and have become addicted to you. My scabs are healin' over; as they save laughter is the best medicine. You crack me up, pun so very intended!! I swear to God one day if i ever have the need for a DJ, and i'm rich enough to fly you to Vancouver Canada, you are so the man!! I know have over a dozen people reading your blog, and we love you. take care. Miss Babs
from bigpimpinmba :
I feel all touched and stuff that you were thinking of me this weekend. Also, thanks for the slandering of my music choices on my notes page. Disclaimer - I certainly didn't mean for professionals to try the John Denver trick at work. I also probably forgot to mention that JD is not a savior of a dead party by any means. It is a change of pace song for a crowd that is already having a good time. Sorry for your disappointment at the reaction you got and your having to be forced to place JD into your "floor clearer" bin. I used to DJ a little in college and I know the feeling of a "floor clearer" all too well and am sorry that I had a part in your otherwise Fab evening. Love ya.
from haloaskew :
You never write, you never call...I haven't seen the wee one (Andrew, right?) in ages...give the little nipper a big hug for me, but not too hard...broken ribs = Law & Order investigation. But then again, you might get off (!) on a mis-trial (Juanita, juror #6, won't understand what "punctured lung" means). BUT I DO! We should really start using the word "punctured" more often, along with the phrase "bully for you" (as in "Bully for you! You punctured a lung and get disability pay!") Or jail time. You can never tell what Juanita might do.
from liesal1979 :
Hi Uncle Bob I'm a fairly new reader, and am feeling the love for your diary. However, you have got me into quite a lot of trouble, mainly coz I was going through all your old diary entrys. and I got to the one about Andrew having naked time, and shitting all over the carpet, now the Nursery Nurse in me felt all sorry for andrew, but the girl who likes a laugh in me, absolutely pissed myself laughing. PISSED MYSELF! Now I should proberly point out I am English, hence the pissing myself comment. So in a nutshell. I LOVE YA!!!!!
from juddhole :
Between you and the now-gone Pork, your comments sections have been unceremoniously hijacked by some real fucktards. I'm offering a limited special, 4 for the price of 1 on comment-section-Troll hits. I don't mean web site "hits" either. Pork's already signed up for 9, and you better act now unless you want that shitwad, Drew, to exceed the 9 kajillion word limit (he's closing in). I dig your diary, man, and I only want to help.
from phishfood26 :
as a long time mcdonalds employee, i'd like to say that i would most definitely give a refund if someone tried to return a big mac by vomiting it on to the counter. thanks for entertaining me! --katie
from updropsfaith :
omg your diary is hilarious! definite favorite of mine. :) keep it up!
from haloaskew :
We must be in the same moon cycle or linked mentally like the "Escape from Witch Mountain" kids or something, because I read your latest entry after writing mine and you use the phrase "mofo." And I wrote a whole spiel on it! And then, to make matters even stranger, you mention the idea of tossing out old letters and just LAST NIGHT I was going through an old box (hoping to toss out some duds) and ran across notes from my high school boyfriend (couldn't spell worth a shit), a letter from my brother's friend in the military whom I had sent a goodie box to in Iraq the LAST time we went freakin' apeshit over there, letters from pen pals I knew when I was eight, and the best, a note to myself from fifth grade about how Chris Welter asked for my phone number and was going to ask me to "go with him," and I was going to say yes, but NOT TELL ANYONE, lest my boyfriend Billy found out. On the outside, I wrote "PRIVATE! DO NOT READ!" in a cursive style I'd just started to master....I was a whoring schemer in elementary school! How could I ever throw that memory out? I even remember the cardboard stationery box I used to keep those "Private!" notes in (apparently, the box didn't make it). Fuck, now I wish I'd kept THAT. Christ. At least I can be comforted I kept all my "Choose your Own Adventure" books from circa 1983. I rock. So do you, so DON'T THROW THOSE OLD LETTERS OUT!
from purex :
I thought I saw you at a gas station the other day. I was paying for my gas, and I thought for SURE it was you. I thought about whispering "Uncle Bob?" but figured all the other people in line would look at me funny. "You" were buying a pizza. Then I remembered all the tequila I had consumed the night before and realized it wouldn't make sense for you to be in KC anyway.
from cruickie :
Hi Unclebob! Just found your diary, its so funny, I've been reading your entries all afternoon! (yes its a quiet day at work!) Sounds like you have a fun time writing, you are very talented! Take care, from an amused Scottish lassie! x
from whiskeybabe :
lol you crack me up!
from jt76 :
hey man- good writing on the flick. I saw it the other day myself. Got a little choked up there in certain parts. The whole handing over of 'power' two days early I think was more to catch the militants off gaurd more than anything else. And lets face it, America is still running the country, and will be for years to come- that was the point of going in there, after all.
from iwanttotell :
Hi, unclebob. I just found you and I cannot believe one random entry of yours held MY attention long enough to read it. (That's a good thing) You are sooooo funny!
from talleyho :
Are you crazy??!!(don't answer, we all know)...Do not grow your hair back! Bald fat men are like manna! You look MMMMMMMaaaaahhhhvelous !!! (i just dumped my coffee down the drain, even i know when i've had enough....) You look good kid, do you come here often?
from shister :
Kazaa blows like a $2 whore. You want imesh for downloads. Less spyware and looks prettier.
from blueeyes19 :
just wanted to let you know that your diary is the source for a lot of my laughter everyday. You are hilarious and have a great knack for the written word. You make the everyday absolutely laugh out loud funny...especially liked the cheese it experience at the theater. bye!
from siddel :
Your site is quite enjoyable! After reading some of it, I thought maybe you should check out the user sundry, because her writing is also a lot of fun. Thanks for the laughs!
from starlahate :
I had no idea about Johnny until reading your post. I'm so bummed now but I'm glad I heard it from you and not some uptight newscaster. The Ramones will live on forever (on my cd player, anyway).
from betchy :
unclebob, you really do rock the dance floor!!! i would feel honoured if you replied to my note, but i know i am just a meager diarylander, and you are the king of diaryland, so i will patiently wait.............only joking, but you do seriously rock!!!! hugz, beckz xxx
from ratherbored :
Holy crap. I counted. I think they've buried Reagan at least forty seven times now in the past 2 days.
from pinkytusk :
saw someone's comment for you under their favorites. 'fat assed bitches really know how to ruin my day' it made me laugh. I'm still new to Dland.. I love Bruce too. I'm the 30 yr old chick who after too many beers starts singing Thunder Road in the corner by herself. :)
from sweetsolace :
I'm so glad I'm not the only one who lovews Big Fish! Not only being a huge Tim Burton fan, I feel in love with that movie, especially the romantic time stopping circus scene. Maybe I'm romance starved because of my ass, I mean husband, but I cried during that part of the "parting of the popcorn."
from krugerpak007 :
I just read your latest entry and laughed so loud, my coworkers are looking at me very weirdly. Ok, they always look at me weirdly, but after that loud laughter for an hour, now they know I am weird! Thanks for putting a smile on my face! Kathy
from myarms2yours :
You're a nut, but I luv ya brother.
from betchy :
hey unclebob, i resisted the temptation to read your diary for my first 4 weeks on diaryland, but every god damned diary i read had you listed as a fave!!!! so i thought "whats all this fuss about? i gotta read some of this guys stuff." and i do enjoy a laugh, so was glad i did read. laughed my ass off!!!! well done unclebob your a real funny guy, and i'm going to add you to my faves (not that that will mean much to you when you have 2000+ people listing you. i have 5. 5!!!!!) but i'm going to add you anyway. take care unclebob, beckz xxx
from bluejay785 :
Hey UncleBob! I love the 'I hate this fucking Shithole' song! It's funny as all hell!
from hedderbox :
Hey. I was reading your older entries (from back in December) where you mentioned your son getting (ear) tubes and how he is 6 to 8 months behind on his speech development, etc. My son has the same thing (his tubes have now grown out after being in over a year now) and I don't know about Alabama, but Florida gave us the option to enroll him in "Head Start" which is a pre-K program at a normal elementary school, so it's better than a regular daycare program. He takes speech class once a week. I don't know if you guys have that option. There was a "qualification" sort of screening process. But my son is also three, and doing better with his speech now. Just so you know. Have a good day.
from turbogeek :
my mom probably has a crush on you. anyways, have you seen kill bill?
from mugwhump :
You're lucky the Church group Pool Party didn't ask you to play "Larry Norman". That would have been enought to turn you away from DJ'ing for the rest of your born days!
from emeleeblu :
Hi Uncle Bob. You're funny and I mean that in the nicest way.
from betholindo :
Why don't yuo just write a whole book yourself? Or a bunch of them? I mean, you're only the funniest person north or south of the Mason-Dixon line.
from ispottedyeh :
Hey unclebob, I wanted to tell you that I love you like the uncle bob I never had. Thanks for never failing to make me laugh. I don't think you're in the funnydiary ring but you should friggin be the emporer of it. Check me out sometime!! :P
from peachsncreem :
holy you have the best diary ever LMAO!! the wholemcdonalds thing it is totally funny i cantbelieve that and im sorry im at school and thekeyboard wont let me press the space bar properly so meh. lol iw ouldnt read my todays diary i was in abad BAD mood so please excuse me teehee
from cianne :
good job, my man! i don't know if i even would have thought to go behind the counter myself - altho' if i were you, i'd have demanded my money back and left at the 20 minute point.
from aquira :
Heya Uncle. Haven't visited in almost a year, so I have a lot of catching up to do. You're down south now? I noticed you had the Boss in the music preferences in your profile. I saw him perform in the Netherlands twice, and he rocked. He's older than my dad, but man, he rocked..
from lcarter00 :
http://money.cnn.com/2004/03/16/news/companies/starbucks_music.reut/index.htm?cnn=yes Scroll down to the bottom and read....
from brittanya :
Hey, I know you must be special since it took seven minutes for your notes page to load! You rock SO HARD unclebob!
from peytonsplace :
I was searching the internet for a How to on how to pack a moving truck and this entry was on the list. . . http://unclebob.diaryland.com/nonews.html Dear God man, you are everywhere!
from saucy99 :
hi unclebob, i've joined the masses and add you as a favorite. Hope you don't mind, but your diary makes me laugh!
from infinatelove :
Hi unclebob! I am new to diaryland and your diary was the first I read, I have to say I did enjoy it. You made me laugh on several occasions :)
from peytonsplace :
Hey you, I may have a DJ gig in April. Plans are still up in the air. If the gig is for me do I get the $100 off for recommended you to myself?
from crazynahida :
blah! i love u very much.
from boxx9000 :
I found your diary thru ChaosDaily. Very funny. I'll be back
from saucy99 :
Hi unclebob, have been reading your diary for a while and thinks it's hilarious. Just wanted to say sorry about the job. I was laid off a couple months ago, one week before christmas and it was a terrible terrible experience. But it was for the best. I hated my job. I'm actually really surprised you said you were not good at marketing. Judging from your witty and creative diary entries, I would think you would be great at it. Oh well. Good luck!
from elysium1982 :
you are enormously talented, 2121 diarylanders think so, im sure whatever it is you choose to do will be a success. good luck and take care.
from saralynn81 :
For lack of a better word, interesting and......chaotic:)
from peytonsplace :
Just because you were fired doesn't mean you can't let us know what's going on.
from cornnugget :
Uncle Bob..Is that you?! Where's Aunt Betty? Holy Hell.. man, take the newspaper job! Please Please don't sling pizza's! Won't the newspaper let you work part-time? Your Deejaying would most likely be profitable on the weekend anyway. Wait a minute, I didn't marry you..you aren't supporting me.. so I'll stop harping. Decide wisely my child. Good Luck to ya!
from whiterose88 :
Dude, your diary is just too awsome! Wish you were my uncle! haha
from xrazorscarsx :
WiCkEd awEsOMe dIaRy DuDe
from lmfao :
hey there....i'm totally new at this diaryland stuff and i was just browzing around when i came across your tinky winky note... thanks for laugh it was just what i needed.. :)
from shadoweloc :
I can't even believe this. My company has this nasty firewall that prevents me from going to certain sites. Now...I can go to diaryland and I can view any other diary EXCEPT for yours! What the hell is that?!
from sstephanie :
ah.. my god. your entry almost made me vomit.. so i guess you achieved your goal, no? ;)
from jezimo :
okay regarding http://unclebob.diaryland.com/040120_18.html that entry there, i feel for ya, i am an 18 year old girl and at the tender age of 17 was violated by the doctor's finger. i tell ya, things were not meant to go in there, JUST OUT, it was painful sure he had the little thin plastic layer gloves but he had nails and not only was a finger shoved up my butt but a nail was scratching the insides. i suck because i have stomach problems now the doctor wants to do a scope... shoot me now uncle bob, shoot me now. im so violated. i have to go see him monday... again.... for the first time in a year... i waited one year on a waiting list to see a doctor who shoves a finger up my ass, maybe two.. if he can manage.. and then wait again to see him so he can shove a camera up there? its not a fun for the whole family video okay its my ass!!
from peytonsplace :
"True" "Two" "Sue" "Mew" Actually, I think you're right. Hope the Butt Scope went well.
from giannarazi :
My dad and mom for their colonscopy cleansing stuff like you are doing, they drank broths. Water too. May I add you to my fave diaries to read? Will keep you in positive thoughts.
from sampotato :
Uncle Bob I hope you get well really soon and feel better really quick.
from taraleebaby :
Oh yes, and I'm also Diabetic... come join our diaryring... haha yah. So alright, later.
from taraleebaby :
HOLY CRAP! My little sister totally shaved off half of my eyebrow with one of those awful things. I feel ya...
from blackndnails :
hey uncle bob- you frickin rock. i'm adding you to my faves.
from blackndnails :
hey uncle bob- you frickin rock. i'm adding you to my faves.
from soulontap :
A couple more beers and i'll be as fat as you, and equally inspired I hope.
from rentfreak82 :
Hey- just wanted to say awesome diary. I really enjoy readying it and it cracks me up. There are times when I'm rolling around on the floor laughing, which draws some really strange looks from my co-workers, but it's worth the smile it leaves on my face... (added you to my favorites) Miss
from purex :
hey if you want to lose weight fast and pills are an option, and anti depressant pills are also an option, try topomax! you dont sound like a sad guy, it was just a thought
from burningsweet :
somewhere down there is a nod to ghost planet and brak. i just wanted to second that. so this is me second-ing that or something.
from helderheid :
Hey Uncle Bob! It's been literally MONTHS since I read your diary but I had to check out your latest given we have boys about the same age and mine has been quite a headache as of late. I LOVE the picture. Too funny! I am actually writing you to hoop and hollah that you're supporting Dennis Kucinich for President. Yeehaw! He's my man. He's also why I've not been reading your diary. I've been so swamped with volunteering for the campaign I've not had time for reading my peeps. :) Heldy
from bloodyhell84 :
hey i found your site and thought it was hillarious. I hope you don't mind that I added you to my favorites. :)
from dooki :
It's funny that you're putting together a CD for new year's (or shall I say, "WERE" putting together, since it's now the 4th). I decided long ago, that a party should never play the following: Strokin', Doin' the Butt, We are Family, YMCA, Macerena, Sweet Home Alabama, Lady in Red, ABC, anything by Creedence Clearwater Revival, Bad to the Bone, anything by Dio, Reo speedwagon, BTO, ACDC or Steppenwolf. Journey seems like it should be on the shit list, but everyone knows that when Journey plays, clothes come off, and Journey rocks.
from knock-first :
next year you could try playing my husbands music. go to gideonspress.com They used to be a Christian band. Traveled with Petra...all that nonsense. No more of course, but some of their following still stems from that era and belives them to still be so. After the new album comes out next month that may all change....but you could still get by playing at at those affairs. Nice to see you are still doing well. -urs
from whodied :
I think you are the only diary on diaryland who has more linkers than entries.
from inkyblott :
Robert Smith looks waaay better than Michael Jackson does now.
from dooki :
there is another space ghost show that is funny. I don't like the interview show either, it is REALLY boring. 2 years ago, they aired a show called Ghost Planet, which was just the characters, no interviews, and it was really funny, featuring a character named "Brak"...not often on the interview show. Brak is what made the show funny. If you can find ghost planet somewhere, you wouldn't be so dissappointed. (signed: nerdy cartoon connoisieur-I know i spelled that wrong)
from mojo-jojo712 :
yes it helps to be thoroughly fucked up to enjoy the weirdness that is spaceghost. brownies would definetly help, they would also help if you chose to watch the brak show. -Eris
from athena32 :
Hey Uncle Bob can I add a beautiful Black Lab/German Sheppard Puppy to that wonderful poopie experience of your?!!!! heheheh Sorry I can relate my youngest is 4 and I have been there done that and have the poopie stains to go with it! It is soooosososoos much fun knowing I am not the only one with these experiences!!!!
from indigo-love :
happy holidays, uncle bob. i heart pot brownies. oh, just dyi, you crack me up on a daily basis...
from purex :
BUD BROWNIES ROCK (merry christmas uncle bob!)
from livefan91200 :
Just wanted to say love the entries... it's something I look forward to every day... and Merry Christmas to you and the family... and you'll potty train Andrew someday ;) L'amour toujours ~LP
from treesssa :
Making my rounds on the journals i read... Happy Holidays to you and yours! Teresa
from green-jade :
Your story in parenting made me giddy with the knowledge that I am not the only parent out there with a child who likes to create disaster. I hope all went well, and from a "mama" point of view, you chose to clean up the right one first, and if that happened to my husband, I think, well I think he'd be to wrapped up in his computer to even begin to fix the situation, so hats off to you.
from dano :
The entry on Jessie was sweet. Nice work. It reminded me of my best friend's neighbor, who also died of leukemia. We were in fourth grade, and she was maybe a year behind us. She did get to meet Bruce Springsteen before she died. He came to her house via some "Make A Wish"-type connection. My friend go to meet him too.
from invisibledon :
Happy Holidays -2003
from vanoonoo :
hello :)
from knock-first :
I loved your story. Cancer is a subject clsoe to my heart also. I would be interested in finding out how to help raise money. And I am sorry for your loss, though I tuely believe there are things worse than dying... as if that helps any.
from heathir31 :
UB, I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how long it has been, I'm certain it still hurts a bit in your heart each December, missing your friend. And your sharing and then writing of your memories of her are just like she must have been: beautiful. Just beautiful, heartfelt writing. *hug* Heathir
from dooki :
wow...what a great story. The whole time I'm thinking, "was 'my girl' written about uncle bob?" thank you for sharing that. I'm impressed that you have such a great recollection of all that from the age of 7. I couldn't even remember my teachers' names. Thanks again, it was inspiring.
from wordwhore :
now, UB, i love you, you know i do, love your lil tyke, too - but i'm with the two people who said a>the ghetto-speak hurts my head & b>it's kinda creepy - funny, yes, all kinds of funny, but it also makes me feel kinda...dirty & not in that fun spanky way. maybe, since your wife's family is all redneck, if you went with that instead of the ghetto-speak...
from betholindo :
Shut up about writing "crap." I'm not sure why you haven't published a book yet, but your crap here is better than everyone else's. But you were just looking for a cheap ego stroke, weren't you?
from futureceo :
Just stopped by to see what the fuss is about. :) Lots of people list you as their favorite and that makes me curious, so here I am. Invisibledon raves about ya by the way.
from hadassah :
Did I mention I would like to have an uncle bob?
from hadassah :
Come read me ok?
from betholindo :
Dear Uncle Bob, I'm taking Genghis Jon off my favorite diaries list as he's really lame. And I'd rather just read your diary twice a day instead of once yours and once his anyway. It's more fun for me and a better ego stroke for you. Your friend, Crushing on Andrew
from pixie0323 :
ok, i know i'm probably overthinking this but just hear me out. i was outraged by Average Joe too! What a crock. But then, I was thinking (keep in mind that the show was 2 hours, and a lot of wine can be passed into the old gullet in that amount of time) anyways, so melana picks the guy who lives with his parents, really has nothing to say, works the same job he had when he was 18. she picks this guy over the guy who's fairly attractive, successful and happy at his job, has great friends, doesn't live with his mommy, and is rich. now. . .stay with me here. the guy she picked is ACTUALLY the average joe. guys like that are a dime a dozen. make sense? just a thought. she still made a crappy decision though.
from unicorn2323 :
ur diary is pretty cool i guess i'll have to catch up since u do knw so many people on here, angelina jolie huh, im all about men but id make out with her haha
from hadassah :
you are hilarious! I love reading your entries. Laughter is the best medicine. You rock!
from darkoverlord :
*shamelessly self-promotes* Hey, check out our AWESOME adventures! (From the people who brought you Broken-Face and Devilstear) :-D
from apeygirl :
Been going through some of your crap. Did I say crap? Cause I meant entries- entries which definitely do not resemble crap. I don't have any Uncle Bobs, sadly. All of my uncles are sad, boring, middle-aged Republicans. But you? Rock.
from treesssa :
I just added you to my fav diaries. I just arrived in Diaryland in October. You were highly recommended. I like your style Alabama Man! Take care! Teresa
from sugar223111 :
omg hahah so funny. I live in alabama too!!!
from ex-stripper :
Hey there Unclebob, I used you as a referral in my new Café Press Shop. I found out about the place from your site, so I figured you deserved a little kickback. So, tell all your friends to come and buy my junk! Splendid diary, by the way!
from awittykitty :
ya know, if I hadn't just talked to my mom on the phone I would have sworn she had been on that tour with you. Sure her name wasn't Bev?
from invisibledon :
Thanks for doing my iwasbored survey - which should have said as you guessed "I was bored and listening to the cure" but it wouldn't fit.
from onewetleg :
congratulations on teaching your child to type. good skill to have. i found a book at work yesterday that made me think of you and andrew. it was called 'the silly goose.' but that wasn't what made me think of you. what made me think of you was the inscription in the book. it said 'welcome andrew. april 2001. love uncle bob.'
from parlance :
I am advertising myself.
from littleloo :
I loved your diary. Im reading it ALL, guess its going to take a while before I start hitting the "current" button, but then again its so worth it. *You are and Add*
from jendra :
I think it's kinda sweet that you're making Andrew's christmas's so much fun. It is spoiling him a little, but when the house gets overun with toys as time goes on, he can help you pick out toys to go to needy kids when he's a bit older. I've heard that makes a balance with kids who have a lot. Plus clearing space and whatnot ;P I also think it's nice that andrew love the thomas DVD so much. It shows he's happy with what he has.
from shortst101 :
Just wanted to tell you that I purchased The Spicolis CD and think it is awesome.
from livefan91200 :
Happy Thanksgiving to you and the family... and the pic was definately entertaining. L'amour toujours ~LP
from saramago :
What I love is how Ask Andrew is both aggressively unfunny and also racist. One has to go back to the O.J. Simpson trial to find something this embarrassing. Ghetto speak + a 3-year-old does not = Comedy Gold.
from purex :
Saw a Wiggles DVD while Christmas light shopping with my mom the other day at Wal-Mart. I exclaimed WIGGLES! and started to tell her about Uncle Bob and how his kid likes the Wiggles.. I think she thought I was high
from betholindo :
Uncle Bob, Uncle Bob! Check out the Michael Jackson's mugshot on www.thesmokinggun.com
from kate1211 :
Thanks for the link tip hon!!
from burningsweet :
i do not resent being just another groupie; how pathetic does this make me???
from awittykitty :
is it warm in here or is it just that last entry, Uncle Bob? That pizza metaphor got me all bubbly. :-)
from sacy :
Pure comedic genius, Bob. I'm not disturbed at all, nor do I feel sorry for the poor sweet child you are exploiting. In lieu of actually being witty you have pasted the (very) cute face of a three year old onto the page and written a crude and lazy mock advice column to accompany it. However did you think it up? I'm leaning towards a drunken toilet epiphany myself. Why hasn't Letterman picked you up yet? OMG YOU ROCK! I am so happy I no longer have to resent being just another groupie, because I no longer am one. Thank you ;)
from loser-kitty :
decided to waste your note space just to tell you your diary kicks
from chuffnutt :
"I'm not gay. At least I find myself constantly having to toss out that disclaimer to explain my thoughts and actions."~It's okay, I pass no judgement on you. I tell myself I'm still a lesbian when I look at George Clooney.
from sweetsolace :
In my limited experiance with children and *shudder* new toys, I found it doesn't matter how cool, simple, educational, colorful or special. Usually, it had to be introduced to them in a non threatning manner, in the edge of their habitat until they are comfortable enough to breathe on it, especially if it cost more than a couple bucks. In a couple months after christmas, Andrew might want them out of the box. But, if all else fails, you can just give him a hanger and a remote. Works for my monkey- I mean toddler.
from sacy :
You spelled God's name wrong. It's 'Hasselhoff' - blasphemer!
from cassiopeia- :
I bought Cassie some colorforms and she rolled them all up in a ball. She doesn't play with her Leapfrog book either. Her days are filled with painting and carrying around her purse fill with Thomas the Train cars.
from mrscoble :
So I hear you became widely famous by being you. Rude, crass, and one hell of a tough guy. I aspire to be like you. Except I want to keep my boobs. I hope this doesn't ruin my potential.
from samiam0341 :
Dude, that is a hellish depiction of family life. I would kick the nearest ass if I was denied KFC and a biscuit. Greed sucks.
from sacy :
Thanks for the laugh. Your family sux almost as badly as mine! Almost ;)
from burningsweet :
you are the bam fucking schnazz.
from devilstear :
I agree, the version of Thunder Road from "Live 1975-85" is my favorite too! That'll probably be a VERY great DVD. Well, thanks for the note, bye! :-)
from marywa :
Drive the Odyssey and the Sienna, there's no comparison. We bought the '04 Sienna and I can't tell you how much I love it.
from lavidaloca-2 :
http://www.astonishingtales.com/php2/miscellany/webscreenplay/screenplay.php?filename=http%3A%2F%2Funclebob.diaryland.com%2Findex.html yah, i'da post it on your message site but i cant go on there anymore. so i'm spamming your notes.
from fargahar :
I tried to take your quiz but my computer crashed. But you aren't a male prostitute? I couldn't believe I got that one wrong. Should I stop saving my money so I could afford you?
from guppy1984 :
hi uncle bob! if you have time i just posted a new diary... can you take a look? btw: you are so funny and wonderful and sexy and delicious. mmmm bob flavored
from anon-amus :
Uncle Bob, I look forward to interviewing you after you “graciously win” diaryland survivor 6.
from awittykitty :
I started to watch "Saving Jessica Lynch" last night too. I thought the girl was Calista Flockhart. You know "Ally McBeal Goes to Iraq".
from luvlyrita :
Bob, what the hell? Office Space made me laugh. It made me a happier person for a couple of hours. It helped me realize I CAN escape my corporate hell existence! Watch it again. I believe you have my stapler...? No? Still not funny? Maybe I don't know you like I thought I did. Bastard.
from haloaskew :
Uncle Bob, Have I told you lately that...you rock my world? Without the use of batteries?
from jaspieuk :
Thank God no one in Britain is called Hank (except Hanl Marvin and I dount that's his real name.) Oh no, we have cool 'H' names like...like...erm...Herbert. Dammit - your theory applies even this side of the Atlantic!
from dlandbanner :
Big thanks for the plug Uncle Bob :D
from j-leem :
"Hank"? /me wonders what this world is coming to when a majority says that the name "Hank" is cool. Jeezus. Heh. But, Jon and Andrew rock my socks though! That's pure genius - hilariously funny shit!!!! *Looking forward to more*
from jessamine79 :
Harry... Dirty Harry. Come on now, you're a guy, guys like that movie.
from hanknbg :
The name Hank is the best damn name out there...and don't you forget it!
from untame-able :
Hannibal? Hanson? Hagrid? Habib? Hamilton? Hagen Daaz? Harper? Haley?
from so-cinchy :
What about Holden? Assuming of course that coolness is rated by girls 18-20 who write dark poetry and dye their hair different shades of burgandy.
from so-cinchy :
What about Holden? Assuming of course that coolness is rated by girls 18-20 who write dark poetry and dye their hair different shades of burgandy.
from crapstein :
what about Honky? That's a pretty fucking cool name if you ask me.
from bongo282 :
What about Harrison, as in Harrison Ford. Or Hal as in the computer Hal. I also thought Hameed was good too Haha!!
from fargahar :
Not gonna blow smoke up your ass like everyone else. I enjoy a funny diary and yours is. You may not want to read mine for fear of the occassional typo. :) Have a good day!
from xsweetamberx :
I always thought Hayden was a cool guy's name. That's the only one I can think of that sounds interesting with a 'h'...lata! Loved the entry...
from ladyforash :
A cool male H. name: Harrison. As in Harrison Ford. Granted, not liking the "harry" conotation of it, but I'm loving my Harrison.
from dano :
Harrison? I know Harry is kind of dorky, but Harrison I can't decide.
from fan4 :
I didn't like Finding Nemo either. Thought I was the only person to dislike it.
from metanoia :
Herschel? Hedrick? Holden. Helmut. Helmut is pretty cool...
from manda-d :
Heath? Hunter? Harrison?
from charismagurl :
Hans is a FINE, strong name. (heehee)
from luvlyrita :
Hank.
from odalisk :
I've got okay tits. It's my ass that's really spectacular.
from uninspired1 :
Fuckin' brilliant.
from saxyjackclar :
Hey there, you rock my socks, and you are the only diarist I have ever encountered who is cool enough to have his own freakin' mesage board. Damn. I felt so sorry for those owners, I always see failing business, and my stomach sinks. It makes me feel beyond depressed to see a failing business... I don't know what it is. Anyway, I look forward to playing!
from awittykitty :
Like father, like son in language skills. Sorry about the boo boo Andrew. Take care.
from hadassah :
Rock on guy! You're pretty cool. Take care
from moodymelinda :
thanks for the link....i will have my kids take a look at it.....but tell me...when you say they are the biggest band in the world...do you mean the world as in "earth" or the world as in " america"....just wondering......:-)).hope you have a great time at the concert!
from moodymelinda :
i just have to say one thing uncle bob: i have no idea what The Wiggles are......i havent even heard about them before i read your diary.....and its not because i dont have kids........i do have 4...must be some local thing over there eh?? your diary is hillarious though......but i am sure you already knew that:-)
from kristintracy :
I feel like I am leaving a note for The Fonz or something. You are 2 Legit 2 Quit!!!
from athena32 :
that is the cutest zebra I have ever seen. And us moms we just get more emotional every birthday. When my oldest son turned fourteen, I think I was depressed for a month. I dont know if it is from him getting closer to wanting my car keys or I can remember when he use to talk and it was ssssssoooooo cute. Hold him, love him, rock him to sleep, before you know it he will be wanting to drive your car and take a girl out on a date. sniff,sniff,cry cry. sorry.I cant help myself.LOL
from notoriousrrz :
Okay, I have to congratulate you, because that pic of Andrew in a zebra costume is one of THE most adorable things I've ever seen. Go your genes! He's going to break zebra hearts . . .
from pallid-acr :
I'm a new member and I was just surfing the various diaries when I came to yours. I have to tell you--you are awesome! My days at work have passed like a silent fart...fast and relaxing with a nice little gift afterwards. Just a joke! But seriously, thank you for making me smile! --ACR--
from awittykitty :
you no like brunettes??? I am crushed Uncle Bob, truly. Where's the Miss Clairol...quick!! p.s. Statistically, I'm just wondering how many of those fair-haired maidens you're getting dreamy over are TRULY fair-haired...if you get my drift...So much for truth in advertising. LOL.
from awittykitty :
So you enjoyed your trip then?
from onewetleg :
as much as i hate to complain, *snarf* i have begun reading your diary from the beginning and i am appalled at the fact that absolutely none of the links worked. i was all hot to see a picture of you and morris day, but no. i was so excited at the prospect of you having another web presence. again no. unky bob. you have hurt me. hurt me bad. what can i do? how can i rebuild the trust i have had in you all this month that has now been destroyed in one day? i will try to carry on. but this is a scrape that bactine cannot soothe. yours wtih utmost respect, and untellable pain, jj
from rosethebear :
Hey! I went to see the wiggles with my nephew over the summer. It was fucking crazy, they had half the coliseum full of shrieking kids. Definitely cemented my belief that I am cut out for aunt duty only. It was a pretty fun show, and my nephew was dacing around like a madman, but we didn't have the real anthony. ah well.
from jendra :
Very cold water does wonders for any kind of tomato related stain.
from sneakerbust :
I had a Driver's Ed teacher who played Santa every year. The thing was, he loved it so much that he would grow out his beard to be just like Santa's. A real beard. With the curls and everything, in the middle of August. He was a little odd.
from kate1211 :
You are one cool cat! I'm new to diaryland andeverywhere I go, your name pops up! Sounds like the Santa thing was a blast! Hugs~ Kate
from athena32 :
Hi UncleBob gotta love these santa pictures. I used them to bribe my 9,7,and 3 year old! How cool is that?! I have been reading some of your diaries and would just like you to know you are an awesome guy. I did not know they made other men like my hubby. Ones that like to help take care and spend time with their kids. And brag about them all of the time. I especially like Santa, and the kids did too!
from awittykitty :
Aren't kids great? I'm glad you gave them a GOOD Santa memory. Hugs for Uncle Bob.
from meg-cntrygrl :
You seem like a jolly good santa, but the part about "sit on my lap and we'll talk about the Wiggles" could be mistaken for perverted santa. That made me laugh :)
from moodymelinda :
hi bob......seems you make a great santa.....wish i could have taken my kids there that day! they would have loved it......even though they would probably not understand a word you were saying.......apart from ho ho .....but honestly......we are in october!!
from fakingcool :
Greetings, I'm trying my hardest to leave a note that does not include the following words and/or phrases "ohmygosh uncle bob!" "you are soooo funny" "not to mention a super duper genious" "if you ever quit writing, I would just keel over and die" "keep on truckin' greatest-man-alive'...because I bet you get that a lot. So that is all, I am done contributing to the honorable mission of making your scroll bar smaller than the smallest scroll bar ever. It took 1 minute and 4 seconds for this page to download
from thedebil :
You need a disclaimer warning people not to eat and read. I nearly choked on my damn crackers. Thanks for the laughs.
from koomaster :
Maybe I'm a loon, but isn't it October? Why Santa - it makes me cry like a dove who has had it's nest eaten by a malcontent 5year old girl!
from manda-d :
That is one pitiful lookin' Santa beard...
from jenne1017 :
dude, but tomorrow is my birthday!!! How can you not leave me an entry to read when I get back from WI -- with MY birth date on said entry??????
from mssassypants :
"Yo Assbreath, I am soooo fuckity fuckin' sorry to bother your shitass self, but this shit can't fucking wait another goddam minute. I've got this sugartit vacuum cleaner that your lazy ass has got to mack out on. It will cumdildo your assfoot life, babes. Straight up, ho-dog ... your ass want in on the shit or not?" *********soooooooo nearly pissed myself at work reading that in the archives. I luv my uncle bob*************
from mythrandir :
The image in the 10/15 entry about scared the crap out of me. It takes a lot to do that. Good Job! Get well soon.
from atgaspain :
Over 2, 000 fucking linkers already? Second in line to Bobby, who I think has the most. Maybe I should do what happened to him, write my diary URL on a clean bathroom wall and let the thousands of linkers come in a matter of seconds. And no, I'm not kidding. More people use the NYC bathrooms than the shitty ones used by the Floridians. I really do think that you're one of the few individuals on this site who is older than I am (thirty-three), but let's shut our fucking traps and get it over with. I don't know if you'd agree to an IM conversation or another note, some of these fans could get pretty fucking crazy out here.
from cravingsoul :
I must say,your diary sent me laughing like mad.I can't say I've read many diaries as comedic as yours...in fact,I haven't read any.I hope you don't mind,I added you to my buddylist and consider your diary the funnies of my mornings.^_~...Bye unkies!
from rizpickles :
Oh my GOD! You nearly made made me shoot coffee out of my nose! Do you know how much that hurts!? Hahahahahah! You're hilarious.
from cutielatina :
Hi.I'm a recent convert to your wisdom, charm and wit. I LOVE IT! You make me laugh when I need it, and thank for letting other see your life as amusing...:)
from meeyapede :
Wow, what a surprisingly nice note! Though I stand firm on hating that particular entry (hardcore animal rights believer that I am), I totally agree w/ you on the awards. What sucks, as you said, is how great they *could* be. Anyway, it's really a few of your FANS that drive me bonkers, not you. You didn't write me 100 harassing emails, you never made crude/cruel jokes about my family or past problems. So, thanks. Now if only you'd post a retraction of the mice mutilation we could be the bestest of friends (haha :)
from mnlady1962 :
Hey, at least he's not Jesse Ventura, like WE had for the longest time.
from thepersona :
You're as funny as they cum.
from danawear :
igby goes down was, indeed, a hoot.
from onewetleg :
where is uncle bob? doesn't uncle bob know that we worry? doesn't uncle bob know that our buddy-list is a sad and lonely place without him? please come back uncle bob.
from fuzzy-grey :
To be quite honest, Quizno's are not that bad. The first time I ate at one, it was, as we with black in our soul like to say, "aiight." But the second time it was a much more heartfelt "not bad". But annoyingly more expensive. C'est Le Toasty.
from groupie94 :
Courtney named her daughter after a LEGUME... right there has to be proof she is a junkie, right...?
from soulepiphany :
"Cold spaghetti cold spaghetti, spaghetti! Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti." Yep. Thanks one hell of a lot...a great song to be in a person's head as they try to go to sleep in the middle of the night. Fucking sadist Wiggles.
from carrie688 :
lmao, my kids love the wiggles too :) i hope you have fun watching those annoying guys over and over again when you get home lmao :)
from metastatic :
ah, Uncle Bob, the British have a long tradition of Blaine-esque stunts, except they do them for charity, they just can't stand ostentatious self-aggrandisement for no reason other than, well, ostentatious self-aggrandisement. Well, that's my good deed for cultural relations over for the day. though, you did forget to mention the toy remote helicopter dropping a burger off for him. m.
from jezimo :
"And,luckily for everyone involved, we live in a free society (unless you're in Canada...those Nazi bastards...)where we can say and do as we please." THAT WAS IN YOUR ENTRY... and I'm apalled..*sniff* lol I actually adore and love your diary. My best friend and I read it ritualistically, a healthy dose of hilarious witty uncle bob. It's wicked. We're 18. Anyways, yes, it's amazing, but we don't understand what you've got against us Canadians?!
from picadilly :
free cat! i get it! its hysterical
from mommymartin :
hey not to be rude or anything but next time some one asks your wife to send them some info and a cataloge on her home buisness "southern living at home " or what ever it was. it might be nice if she actually sent one or at least made a follow up call.
from dollyllama :
keep the crib up for a bit, though. I've heard that sometimes kids do fine in the big bed for a week and then regress and want the crib and can't sleep at all, etc.
from chuffnutt :
I saw http://twop.meetup.com for Television WithOut Pity Fans, in case you're interested.
from carrie688 :
How many times have I had to tell one of my kids that they won't get eaten by the couch?? Plenty, just a kid thing lmao. Well have a good one! :)
from puter-chique :
I did something like that, with the whole video thing/ looking back. Sorta. But not really. Almost tho. When I was 17, I wrote a letter to myself. About what I was like, and what I hoped, and all the dorky things that 17 year olds think about. Its addressed to me at "Age 23", so I haven't read it yet. But boy, I bet when I do it will be pretty heartwarming and sentimental.
from crazygal23 :
yup~ isabel was quite interesting. knocked down two trees in my yard, and took off some shingles and stuff like that. and it was only a class two also... hate to see a class five...
from clairecav :
Hey your idea for the fake argument, was... erm...actually pretty amusing to a dumbass like me!
from wyvern :
No, we get the same stupid spam that guys get.
from carrie688 :
hey uncle bob,i think ur funny and i think the other guy is just a loser, so HAHAHA! But anyways, you are funny and witty and i love ur take on everything, you make my morning in my long and dreary day LMAO!! Carrie
from lavidaloca-2 :
I hope you know I hate you, stupid Bob made me leave my email AND url at Pork, you may have too many viewers to talk back to me, but him??? he's gonna make fun of me and make me cry, I'm scared now.
from wilkes :
What the hell, Bob? How many diaryland entries can there be about the Amish? Okay. Maybe only two. Feel free to scan my entry for 9/16. Love your stuff.
from jendra :
I think the beard thing comes from the part of the bible saying that shaving your beard is wrong, eating shellfish is wrong and sodomy is wrong. Kinda all over the place in that section, though I think it's all supposed to do with how to stay healthy in a desert. No knats or chafing in the bum or whatnot. ;P
from ladyforash :
Dude, you crack me up. Are you related to Seinfeld? Your comedic styly reminds me of him. Thanks for sharing!
from amberfalls :
I live in Mormon country and we've got those missionaries around all the time. I think they are plotting for world domination or something.
from emsk8forever :
i really like reading your diary the stories you write in them are great!
from marsterslady :
I enjoy the stories about Andrew immensely. I have four little guys of my own, and you tell stories about your children in such a funny way - I feel like I'm there, "enjoying" each experience with you. You? Are never boring.
from eggsaucted :
Uncle Bawb! You Rawk! As of this moment I have officially read every single one of your entries! Keep writing, don't worry about what other people say, they don't need to read it if they have a problem with it.
from ratherbored :
whenever I read your diary I laugh so hard my mom has to give me a paper bag to breathe in. well...she SHOULD...
from kelly :
dear uncle bob, i don't think i've told you lately how much you rock. in sum: you rock. xxoo, kel.
from lavidaloca-2 :
dude I remember that stuff from chem club in high school! It's some space age crap that's in diapers too, we used to do a demo using that and a beaker of red died water....ah instant jello, just dont inhale the stuff because you have water in your lungs or something like that and it can cause asphyxiation or however you spells it... poor uncle bob now you have me soo worried about your job!!! I hate it when people are on thin ice or are almost in trouble...poor uncle b, I hope the pres lightens up.
from ladyforash :
That was freakin' hilarious dude!
from bisa-pet :
I made a special button for Chrome that everyone is welcome to snag from my diary entry and display on their pages if they'd like. The URL is http://bisa-pet.diaryland.com/chromebttn.html
from ladyforash :
I think you make a great Mr. Wilson! :)
from dooki :
I read your entry about "the look." My dad had the most ominous look ever. He didn't even have to say anything to accompany it, just flash the look. My older sister was more rebellious than I, testing the boundaries of the famous, "one...TWO!!!" We always wondered what came after "TWO!" But we were sure it was something horrible and always ran in fear after our father started counting. My sister tested it once. He said, "One," she looked at us and then looked back at him, continuing with whatever sinning she was up to, "TWO" said my dad in shock that she waited that long, still standing her ground. "Two and a half!" he said more sternly. Holy shit, we didn't even know what a half was but it sounded like lethal injection. She stopped her actions and ran to her room, fearing the "half", and what it's consequence was. You could use that if the look doesn't look. Like, "hey, I want a raise" flash the look, and if it doesn't work, "One...TWO!!!"
from dooki :
thanks for dropping me such a heartfelt note. I'm glad you believe in my handjobs, because I DO TO!
from darkndeviant :
Congrats on finding your inner Dom! And yes..."THAT LOOK" works on women, kids, animals and bosses a like...:) Deploy with care!
from purex :
Damn, your kid is cute as hell! Something to be proud of :) Hope he grows up with your sense of humor!
from trinity63 :
Andrew looks so GROWN up and darling! I can't believe how much are babies are growing up -- the next thing we know, you and I will be writing about Kindergarten...god.
from luvlyrita :
BTW, I hate to admit I know this, but "Don't Know What You Got" was by Cinderella. *sigh*
from luvlyrita :
I'm catching up on your entries this morning (got to do *something* at work!) and now I'm left with no doubts -- you ARE my evil internet twin! I luuuuurved About Schmidt, although it took me two viewings to realize it. I just bought it a week or so ago, and the very same night I bought Punch Drunk Love! Wheee!
from jenne1017 :
Just a tip on the George Foreman thing -- food burns EASILY on it and so does any marinade/dry rub flavor. Turn constantly!
from catsoul :
Hey Bob, You are up early, the only time for parents. Your son is 2 years old and mine is 19 and didn't get home yet! See what you have to look forward to. I remember those early times, and I still savor the time my son and I get to have together around his busy life(well he thinks he has a busy life). I laughed all the way through your writing, you are pretty darn good at it. Just don't overdo the "look," you want to have it be effective in the long run. Got to go get ready for work myself now. I think I will add you to my list to check out more often. ~A
from dooki :
UNCLE BOB, I AM PLEASED. YOU WILL BE PLEASED WHEN YOU READ MY ENTRIES. I TOO, AM A FAN OF THE HUNTER S. THOMPSON. HE IS CRAZY NOW. LITERALLY. IF YOU'VE SEEN THE CRITERION EDITION OF FEAR AND LOATHING, YOU'D KNOW WHAT I MEAN. HOLY CRAP, DRUGS REALLY do AFFECT YOU IN THE LONG RUN! YOU SEEM LIKE A STAND UP GUY. AS IN, A GUY THAT STANDS IN UPRIGHT POSITIONS AND SAYS TO PEOPLE RANDOMLY, "HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT I'M STANDING UP? BECAUSE I AM, YOU WHORE!" ACTUALLY, THAT NEVER HAPPENS, DOES IT? IT'S JUST MY WAY OF GETTING TO KNOW YOU. DON'T JUDGE ME BECAUSE MY NAME IS DOOKI. EVERYONE DOOKS IN THE TOILET. I JUST HAPPEN TO FIND ENLIGHTENMENT IN MY DEFECATION. WRITE ME OR READ ME, YOU WON'T BE DISSAPPOINTED.
from healthychick :
I've been reading you for some time now and thought I should say hello before I add you too my favorites. Hello Unclebob. I'm a morning person by profession and I love reading your half-awake entries! Plus, your a super dad (just like my mate!)
from amberfalls :
I watched About Schmidt last weekend with my parents and we thought it was uplifiting and positive. I didn't think it was sad or depressing. It was a great movie.
from dutch-girl :
I know it's wrong to laugh at the misfortunes of others .... but thanks for making me laugh so hard this morning I nearly had an accident.
from atgaspain :
You and I should affiliate sometime. I could be the hateful fuck, you could be the funny fuck. Maybe you should create a fucking logo so that I could eventually display it on my webpage. Of course, it'll have a link to your diary.
from ladeeleroy :
A random hello to you Uncle Bob.
from elfchica311 :
I just wanted to tell you that I LOVE your site!!!! And you are funny as hell!
from invisibledon :
Have a great holiday weekend 8/29/03
from lavidaloca-2 :
Hey uncleb not that its any of my business and you were probably joking so i'll look all stupid and stuff, but i hope that if you werent you'll go to a doctor asap because it sounds like theirs something really wrong with you.
from physcoisme :
hi
from dobe :
feel betta'.
from rockyraven :
hey i really like your writing style
from relybigtease :
hey...i have u listed as one as my fav diaries...i was wondering if u would check out mine sumtime an leave me a note!
from patadrina :
You can make a drinking game out of it. Every time a band member comes on the screen... you get the picture.
from pandionna :
Hola - Would you believe the firewall at my office blocks your diary? It doesn't block anyone else's on d-land that I can see. Not that I read a lot of diaries at work. Oh no, never. Not me.
from her-story :
I loooooooove watching Queer Eye b/c that blonde guy just cracks me up. I saw last night's episode w/ the bald transit authority cop. No offense, but flip flops on a guy....totally gross. I'm not a foot person, so the idea of a guy coming to take me on a date w/ flip flops and a sports jacket was just a little too much for me. Elvis isn't really dead... he's just taunting us... Or, at least that's what I'm told... personally, I think he's a gas station attendant in Milwaukee. *Shrugs*
from groupie94 :
Speaking on the Elvis thing... Just recently my 16 yr. old neice had her graduation pictures taken, while looking at her proofs I noticed she had some that were taken with a portrait of Elvis in the background, So I ask her..." Did the photographer slide that background in while you weren't looking...?" and she replied "No I am into Elvis..." To each their own I say, but if you ask me I would have to say there is something definately hinky going down when my 16 yr. old neice is into Elvis and I myself at almost 31 listen intently to Eminem... =)
from penaca :
I don't have a journal on Diaryland so please don't confuse me with a troll because I'm not. I found your site through DamnHellAssKings and after reading through most of your archives, I have to say you're an incredibly witty writer. I cringe when I laugh at your jokes but in this case, that's a good thing. Your Kenny Rogers chicken fiasco? Yeah, I had a dream about that the other night where they screwed me out of a full meal. I must note I've never even BEEN to a Kenny Rogers restaurant so yeah, I would really appreciate your influences staying out of my dreams. That's all. Thanks for writing. --Kristen
from livefan91200 :
excellent... must say one of my favorite entries yet... RIP dougie. L'amour toujours ~LP
from tiragem :
I download mp3 illegally online as well. Bitchin diary. I shall be reading more of it.
from twizt-freek :
I found u through the diarist awards for winners n such. I enjoyed reading your journal. It is very much entertaining :)
from wrthlss :
My father played Santa once at a church event. I knew who it was because of his shoes.
from biensoul :
I feel compelled to tell you Uncle Bob that the ONLY time I was ever afraid of Santa Claus (I was three, and yes, I had seen Santa before then with no problems) was when my father was dressed as Santa. I had no idea it was him, but something about the situation seemed "not right" to me...especially since Santa knew my name before I told it to him! Anyway, I don't think you'll ruin Andrew's faith in Santa Claus, but if he's squeamish around St. Nick to begin with, don't be offended if he runs away screaming. Good luck!
from bloodyhell84 :
FUNNY stuff..I love it
from herkinerf :
Gee thanks, UB. Makin' me tear up so early in the morning...and on the ONE freakin' day I didn't bring mascara to work with me. The bear idea is fantastic and I will certainly be donating to the cause. Thanks for printing his letter.
from pura-vida :
Have you read the novel White Noise by Don Delillo? It mentions another Uncle Bob: "Members of an air-crash cult will hijack a jumbo jet and crash it into the White House in an act of blind devotion to their mysterious and reclusive leader, known only as Uncle Bob." Mysterious and reclusive indeed.
from thecritic :
UncleBob I expect more of you than to physically harm a little child... PSYCHOLOGICAL torture is far more effective and it'll be easier to cover your tracks.
from livefan91200 :
OH POOR ANDREW!!! Kick that little bastard in the nuts so that he never procreates... that's what I say... little fucker... that ticks me off... if I were anywhere near where that kid lives I'd "accidently" spray poisonous chemicals in his bed so that he'll go to sleep and never wake up... argh... anyways, enough of that. We're rootin for ya uncle Bob! L'amour toujours ~LP
from staple-stuck :
Ah, I see you have the spawn of Satan too-the one we know is called Dylan but we know better. "All Boy", my ass. All Evil if you ask me.
from ironbull :
Dude, your diary is fucking awsome. I say it should be voted diary of the year. I nearly pissed my pants laughing.The adventure of you and your son in "Redneckland" is possibly the greatest story to ever be told on this site. Keep writing and rock on.
from livefan91200 :
Hey UB... I copied you too and did the kranzy survey thingy... I'm just all pissy considering I'm quitting smoking so I didn't feel like bitching for my entry today... thanks for the great idea... L'amour toujours ~LP
from bitchslap69 :
now THAT'S the unclebob i know and love! party on, dude!
from angel09 :
welcome back kotter...man, i love that show.
from lizagray :
Hi uncle bob. Can I just say that I love uncles with 3 letter names. My uncle is uncle Dan. Just love it. Anywho, your diary was quite funny and entertaining. Went to Georgia huh? What part? Not that I am from GA but I do live close. Just curious. So, since I left you a note I think ya owe me one! (oh, and you could read my diary too but don't expect too much.)
from alerae :
i was quite amused by your diary. look at mine. it's ALeRae... go there... NOW DAMMIT, i'm not kidding
from dani-lou :
Baby powder get the sand out of anything with remarkable speed. Just a tip! Soup doesn't always do the trick. Best wishes, Dani.
from livefan91200 :
hehehe nice story about bob hope... I'm kind pissed that everyone was jinxing the guy for the past few weeks with all the olf famous farts croakin all at once... everyone was saying "bob hope is next, I just know it!" and there he goes... thanks a lot... bastards... but yeah, good story at any rate... have fun at skool ;) L'amour toujours ~LP
from dano :
You may be in luck with the shower thing. Depending on which college it is (and how new the dorms are, etc.), it may have seperate shower stalls in the bathrooms. Mine did when I went to college, though that was in Indiana, not Georgia.
from raversweetie :
weird! i'm going to be in georgia this coming week too. see you there! :OP and the playboy is worth finding. they have all these shots of jenna and heidi on top of each other and all naked. and i really really want to know what the parents of heidi's students think because she's a total ho bag.
from oreogirl :
your lastest entry about Bob Hope was the funniest thing I can remember about him. Its sad that he is gone. RIP, Hope. I will pour a 40 for you. :(
from haloaskew :
Yes, you must try mom's chili recipe when you get a chance and let me know what you think! I'd like to try your recipe out - if you care to divulge your Bobness secrets via email...
from ursaminor2 :
it doesnt seem right...bob hope can't die....isnt he already imortal?
from plankton :
Hey, at least you only have to rescue your own kid. I used to rescue the ones in my husband's family fairly regularly. When you are a kid-sized adult, people think you have certain responsibilities.
from heathir31 :
Oh unca bob! What about b.b king?! He does diabetes commercials too! and he's way cooler than wilford brimley any day of the week.
from three-libras :
GOOD GOD mr popular.... your user pic makes me think i recognized you in alabama when i drove through it two weeks ago... YEAH RIGHT. unless you live in enterprise or dothan and in that case it makes sense why you are such a great writer. i added you months ago and i think you are the coolest guy ever! (or maybe not) yes, i write like this sober god help me.
from marsist :
I think in honor of Liza's divorce it's time to go back and reread the TVWithoutPity extra on their wedding... http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/story.cgi?show=56&story=3990&limit=&sort=
from livefan91200 :
lol great t shirt uncle bob... keep the woman motivated! SELL, BIATCH, SELL! Kidding, kidding, but yeah, that would be wild to see.... L'amour toujours ~LP
from greenwitch :
I wholeheartedly agree about the farmer's market conspiricy. I am a vendor at a farmer's market and get a morbid chill up my spine each time a customer over 70 approaches. Given the "trendiness" of markets Al Queda might win this one.
from luvabeans :
ok, so i "diary" at my job, and the network at work blocks your site. of course, now i'm dying to read it. alas. i've read such good things ABOUT you, i wanted to come directly to the source. but, you've been censored by the corporation i work for. you should be proud. oh, and hey, are you the same uncle bob from television without pity (formerly mighty big tv)? again, sorry i can't read your diary. woo, luvabeans
from spazchick98 :
Great entry this morning, I guess that will teach me to try and drink coffee while reading your diary!
from trasker :
Dude, of course Dat Phan is going to win. Dat. Phan. Names don't get much funnier than that. The show is based on funniest name, right? And i'm glad someone else has the train-wreck philosophy to watching that show. Why do i care when they play hide and seek? Why must i study ralphie may's corpulence and how it remains both when he wears glasses and when he is lens-less? And why can i not stop laughing when Dat says "Airplane, bird, car, tree"? There is no why. There is only the 'off' button.
from her-story :
I'm sorry, but that "ready, set, GO" thing cracks me up... cute... wait til he's older and discovers what a camera is for. I've experienced the evil inlaws... cept mine live IN my state and come over whenever they feel like it, making me annoyed and stressed out... b/c they think they own everything that's mine. P.S. kicking off Dave Mordell was a HUGE mistake.
from cherrychums3 :
hey ive been reading you diary for a long time now and it totally cracks me up its really great...i added you as a favorite please visit my diary it would be an honor if you would sign my guestbook or drop me a note....thanks :)
from dirtygirl :
Ah, Uncle Bob. I may be around about as much as Jimmy Hoffa now a days, but a Dirty Girl never forgets where home is. :) Love you!
from myshka :
wanted to submit a poem that sucked ass, couldn't think that well cuz i wasn't high on grass. Don't smoke pot no more don't even know what i'm doin this for, sittin here, wasting my time, tryin to bust out some dumb-ass rhyme.
from mydaydream :
Once this guy I know was eating a salad from Wendy's...and he got down to the last few bits of lettuce and there was a roach in that mofo! I wanted to throw up FOR him!
from biensoul :
I can't believe they forgot your dressing, too! I was in Wendy's last week and suffered the same predicament with MY mandarin chicken salad. Damn you, Dave Thomas, DAMN YOU!
from carrrot :
I got food poisoning from a wendy's salad a few months ago...
from wildrose1 :
I really like reading you but aint no way in hell I could pay that much. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
from wildrose1 :
I really like reading you but aint no way in hell I could pay that much. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
from staple-stuck :
glad to know I'm not the only one who seems to get screwed out of stuff when I go there! Taco Hell will undoubtedly leave one (or more) of my items out of the bag, and not give me any zesty chicken bowl sauce when I order a zesty chicken bowl. BASTARDS! (oh, by the way, the Wendy's mandarin chicken salad is good for you UNTIL you put the oriental dressing on it. It's better with vinegrette anyway-take it from someone who knows.)
from her-story :
Don't you hate it when people offer up diet suggestions? Nothing ever worked for me, though when I was pregnant w/ this last baby I was gestational diabetic. I never dreamt about candy and junkfood as much as I did those few months. I did lose weight, but I was a raging bitch those three months. Do the best you can, but the diabetic thing isn't something to mess around with, so be careful. (btw... visitors are wicked nasty especially when they bring their dirty kids with them... trust me, i've been there)
from kapow32 :
Hi, I'm diabetic too and a nutrionist and after reading your lunch menu ARE YOU CRAZY! After the carb load of a bagel a banana AND Pretzels- I'm surprised your sugar isn't out the roof you are eating three of the biggest carb no-nos there are. Pick whole grain bread sandwhich with your choice of lunch meat-add veggies. HAve an apple or a peach and carrot sticks . POPCORN! eat low sugar yogurt or some nuts or celery sticks with cream cheese or peanut butter. There had better be prtein on that sald at night or it won't satisfy your hunger very long. Are you properly chastised? Maybe then you won't be hungry, cranky and notice some weight loss. :)KP
from carrrot :
Oops, you DO get full rather.
from carrrot :
You should try the Atkins diet. Because of all the protein you don't really get full. Just a thought! cara
from sunstarr :
First, I can sympathize with your plight about the sister-in-law and the nephews. Imagine having the same situation but instead of living in a modest size house, you live in a 34' RV like I do!! (Not that anyone has wanted to stay with us for 12 days, but even for a weekend is ultra-cramped!) Secondly, I don't mean to insult your intelligence here (cuz you're one of the last smart human beings to habitate our planet it seems) but instead of going on so-called-diet, why not just make a healthy-eating-lifestyle-change? That coupled with a little bit of exercise 4 or 5 times a week should do the trick. It's what I do and it works well. I eat what I want to eat, but instead of wolfing down an entire bag of chips, I see what the recommended serving size is listed on the bag and measure/weigh/count that out and put the large bag away. That's only one example. I tell ya, once you lose that weight not only will you feel good about yourself but you will FEEL good. Physically. And you'll just increase the longevity of your life by living a healthy lifestyle with moderate eating and moderate exercise. You wanna be around for Andrew's whole life, dontcha?!? Anyway, I say this with all the love in the world cuz you're a great guy, Uncle Bob! Have a great day. (I'm stepping down off my soap box now.) :-)
from laboheme532 :
even though the picture you put in was fake and came from google.... i saw the real thing and it aint pretty!!
from laboheme532 :
i volunteered at a zoo last week... and while i was there i saw a killer rat (ratzilla) just like the one you showed in your entry a while back. DAMN those things are huge and freaky! i dont blame you a bit... i'd go berserk if that thing was in MY backyard!
from wildrose1 :
first peer pressure pushes a kid into booger eating then drugs. I think you better get working on an intervention. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
from robin-smith :
Yeah, Blue Rodeo has kind of adopted the Sadies, and they did a lot of session work on the Sadies' latest album. They're all fucking fantastic musicians. They have a VIBRAPHONE for fuck's sake! If you ever do get a chance to hear any of their stuff, take it. I was absolutely floored by this band!
from heathir31 :
oh, UB! That song "The Living Years" ALWAYS makes me bawl like a baby! I don't get along with my parents very well (even though I'm 32, happily married mom of two, and as "normal" as they come) and that song always guilts me into giving them another chance to make me miserable. And I'll let them, if I even *think* of that song. That song makes me think I could get along with them if I just tried harder. GAH! Thanks for the commiseration
from jamsjunction :
Dont forget, Old Man Thurman keeled..I guess you cant really count him for having celeb status..but I do agree, Bob Hope has over stayed his welcome...
from livefan91200 :
HAHAHAHA nice... scary, but nice... I approve. L'amour toujours ~Le Penseuse
from livefan91200 :
Hey Uncle Bob... I took your idea and wrote the 5 songs that make me a little misty-eyed too on my site... so yeah... thanks for the great Idear! L'amour toujours ~Le Penseuse
from pieceofmind1 :
Re: Hepburn and Hackett: You are one funny man. Oates, yeah.
from harlemrain :
Oh please Uncle Bob, not Oates! What would the world do with out the muziky goodness of Hall and Oates...besides have you heard that crap Hall produces and tries to call music without him? I use it to scare off crows in my grandma garden.
from katehackett :
Dude. Put Kate and Hackett together there. I'm scared for myself.
from peytonsplace :
No, I'm not pregnant. Did you read the entry I wrote, or somebody else's and just thought you would post on mine? :p I was talking about starting the whole trying to get pregnant again process. If I do get pregnant again, I will call you personally to let you know. ha ha ha
from peytonsplace :
Well, damnit, quit reading then! It's kinda funny, I wanted to be googled or yahooed so bad and now that I have been, it's freaked me out. Especially since the yahoo search pointed to the entry where I totally dogged Larry's cousin. Oh well, I guess I will now be forced to thicken my skin if someone does find it.
from nightlynews :
Hello Unclebob. Let me just preface this with the obligatory "your diary rules". Although I'm not a "housewife from Novia Scotia", I find your writing very enjoyable and just about bust a gut everytime I read it. I do, however, want to break a bit of bad news to you. You know the timeshare "seminar" you've agreed to attend? My sister agreed to go to one with her husband...and they have daycare. You diabolical scheme to defraud the timeshare people by using your sweet little toddler as an excuse? Might be thwarted. Perhaps a plan B is in order. I suggest you consider completely inappropriate sexual advances on other attendees, mentioning you've recently had a willy in your mouth for the first time and you LOVED it. Or you could just whip out your wang in the middle of the blather about timeshares. That might work to get you kicked out of there. Cheers, J
from atgaspain :
Your diary is fucking awesome and I laugh so hard that I actually lost my ass while reading your diary. Eventually, I found out that my dog ate it, but what the fuck? I could do nothing about it. Maybe he decided to shit it out, so I decided to fucking kick his stupid ass. I nearly killed the poor fucker. Anyway, your diary rules.
from ionme :
Hi Uncle Bob. I wanted to direct your attention to my diary for a minute because I'm curious what your opinion would be regarding "battle of who has the best orgasm". :)
from cmkern3 :
We did a timeshare thing 2 years ago, and got an awesome deal to Orlando for it. The salesguys at the 'seminars' are pretty pushy, but as long as you're not easily influenced - they're usually worth the discounts, etc..,
from wildrose1 :
I believe you tried to hook forest up so badly because you have a butt phobia. fistfucking and potatoe pizza. somehow I find myself oddly hot and repulsed at the same time. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
from snowgrrl :
Hey Uncle Bob! My parents have a timeshare with Fairfield resorts and it has worked out wonderfully for them. I think they paid it off in about 5 years and then they have their timeshare for life. They get two weeks a year at wherever they'd like and all they have to pay are the taxes and travel. It's a good deal, especially if you're the travelling type and have a family. Just thought I'd give you my $0.02 on the whole timeshare thing. :)
from redhott27 :
I freakin' love SWC. Now if I only had a DVD player... *sniff*
from ionme :
fistfucking potatoes, LOL!!!
from alicenobody :
muha nova scotia got a eantion. no one ever knows where it is.. do you?
from livefan91200 :
All I have to say is laughed my ass off... I worked at mcd's my frosh year in high school and nothing like *that* ever happened... definately made my day... thanks Bob. L'amour toujours ~LP
from ljungberg8 :
actually-yeh it does
from ljungberg8 :
your random entry thign dont work
from deviousone :
You're fucking hilarious. Reading that latest entry made my day! Thanks a lot!!
from angel09 :
you should check out the song "destiny" by zero 7 and let me know what you think.
from openspaces27 :
Song #14 kicks ass! Good work!
from alteridem :
Bob! that game is a blast and a half! My high score is $1,191,209! i discovered the best kept secret- DesignerZ. you can pretty much guarentee that if you buy it at 50-52 thousand, you can resell it for 59. a great profit. anyway- THANKS!
from deejyy :
The Funk Bro.s Totally with you on that man! We are going to see the live show this summer, no Ben Harper but it should still be great.
from dap6000 :
whatever happened to all the old bradpitt content? that stuff was fucking classic. i used to know how to get past your broken links and read it anyway, but now the whole thing is deleted. wish i'd have saved it locally now.
from jetty :
and hopefully nobody takes offense to me calling them "retard tests". I know it's not politically correct, but you have to remember, it was years ago, back before we got pc-minded. I was directly quoting my brothers! plus I don't mean any harm. jets :)
from jetty :
I just read a "random entry" of yours and it was about how you took your son to a speech therapist and he's had tubes put in his ears and speaks a lot of "jargon". well oh my god! I've never heard anyone else talk about something like that, but it sounds exactly like the condition I was in when I was three! AND I WAS THREE! not two. THREE. and my parents sent me for, as my brothers would tease me about from then on, "retard tests". they thought there was something wrong with me, that I would never speak properly, and they didn't know why. then I was starting to really up the ante jargon-wise, and the "retard test givers" said that with t-tubes, my ears would be corrected (clearing out the fluid trapped in my ear drums) and I would catch up to the rest of my age group very quickly. they were right, my speech took shape shortly after the t-tubes took effect. my sister was 9 years older than me and the only person able to understand me until this. and now I'm an intelligent, outspoken (possibly too much so), popular (not like, ooo she wears the right clothes and makeup kinda popular, but popular with most people that I meet, well-liked). I'm sure your kid will turn out fine too. just watch that he NEVER puts his pee-pee near your mouth again! and I have a question about that... are you going to embarass him with that story when he's older? or will you keep it quiet, simply because it's a memory that makes you shudder? your diary is highly amusing, I love it (no clue how I found it, pure luck)... mine isn't the same, I never came on here with the intention of having a fan following, but I'll soon change my diary as I aspire to be more like you and andrew! (not your son, although he seems to rock too, but you know, andrew, d-land andrew) I'll be reading!!!! (oooh, creepy!)
from peytonsplace :
Yeah, I know. There's no way that kid was cuter than Peyton! I think that his parents must have known right away their day was up and just voted continously. I e-mailed the company to see if I could resubmit the photo. I want that free sitting, damnit. Regarding the outfit, I only had to wear it for the photo, then I sat in a booth, ate nasty Ceasar Salad and called people. I raised about $900.00, which was pretty good once I looked at the other folks. And I got a free tee. Now that was the best part.
from manchmal :
how fucking sick. this is the sort of suburban entitlement to clean lawn and escape from nature that makes me want to kill people.
from komachi :
OH MY!!! I was laughing so hard that I got all teary. Aren't babies the greatest? lol.... having been peed on seems like nothing now... ;) Take care. ~K.
from staple-stuck :
OH. MY. GOD. I am laughing my head off right now at the vision of Andrew "accidentally" violating you!!! Maybe it's something he picked up by looking at the pages Pervy used to check out....
from ionme :
That's hillarious. Kids do the darndest things hahahaha
from ionme :
What is it about mice? My dad is scared of mice too. Hmm. I don't blame you for killing Ratzilla's babies.
from mikesperry :
If that truly is a photo you took of an animal in your backyard, then you have a capybara (http://www.rebsig.com/capybara/) a South American rodent (also, as you noted, the world's largest rodent). How the heck you got a capybara in your backyard is a mystery. I don't think their range extends up to your neck of the woods. Or maybe it does, seeing as how you valiantly fought one off with a lawnmower.
from fakingcool :
Uncle Bob...American Idol I'de vote for you!!
from slauditory :
Actually, that looks sort of like a nutria...which is a large rat-type-thing that plagues Louisiana. I guess it's plaguing the South now. Oh, and I love your journal!
from janysdrkpoet :
Dude, thats no rat!! lol but I bet you knew that didn't you? I was laughing so hard that finally my kids started to get worried about me.. Thank you for making me smile today, I needed it..
from jazzyocchi :
That looked more like one of them Monkeypox prairie dogs or sum shit. Damn. That's a hideous animal, regardless of wtf it was.
from pattypat :
Hi Uncle Bob - I think that is a woodchuck not a rat living in your backyard. Rats have pointy noses. Not that I'm a nature expert or anything, and I probably would have done the same thing myself, but you may want to clean up the dead carcasses or you will have rats. Pattypat
from vtsuthrnbell :
I just wish you could spend some time with me and my friends. They make me feel like a lunatic when I say things about how all birds are out to get me (which they are!), but I have a feelin you would back me up. Animals are not innocent little creatures of nature...they will peck your eyeballs out and eat you. If you're ever in Virginia please let me know. -Gina
from poked2x :
uh, unclebob, you should tell all of us suckas that sign up for the ozzy thing that jager (yum) will send an email wanting you to go and confirm your information. i almost deleted it because it landed in my "junk" email file thing. yep.
from dazeyduke2 :
Haaaaaaaaaaapy Father's Day, Nutcase!!! {{ Hugs }}}
from manda-d :
Void in Tennessee? Shit! I KNEW I should've read those "official rules"!
from carrier :
I tried to do the OzzFest thing from the Spicoli Web site - but it doesn't matter if you live just over the state line - if you don't live in a state OzzFest is in - well, they won't let you enter (I did get creative and use a friend's address...) Also - I wanted to comment on your Hilton Head trip... after hours spent looking for the Oyster Bar, with 2 of those being "Look kids! Big Ben! Parlianment!" - Can I just say I totally relate to your trip? <g>
from thepeachtree :
Dear Fat Kid Taking A Shower At The Beach, How often should I shower? Signed, Dirty Girl.
from srolive :
I was gonna enter the Ozzy contest, but there werent any dates in Washington state. Sorry Charlie.
from katehackett :
Erk. Sorry that posted twice...Donno what happened.
from katehackett :
I *HATE* you. Well, no. I HATE the fact that you can lie out for more than THREE FARKING HOURS and not burn! Wha?!?!!? I think your wife and I are two of a kind there.
from katehackett :
I *HATE* you. Well, no. I HATE the fact that you can lie out for more than THREE FARKING HOURS and not burn! Wha?!?!!? I think your wife and I are two of a kind there.
from wlcm2wndrlnd :
oh my god that was FUNNY!! you had me laughing soooo much while i was reading that! hahaha, nice. glad you finally made it in with the popular clique, even if you couldnt join them haha.
from froggy-angel :
HEYYYY UNCLE B. I started reading your diary a few weeks ago (although I started in 2002 not at the very beginning) and I just thought I'd let you know its great and it even inspired me to start a journal of my own.
from springfever :
dear uncle bob, you rock my world! i love reading your diary, you're soooo funny. I have this feeling your head's swelling up now, so I figure I'll just put in this addendum (sp?), pretty funny for a 30 year-old ;) (j/k)
from thepeachtree :
lol. *holds side*
from sstephanie :
hey ! nice journal, i love reading you ! im adding you to my favorites, how lucky are you? believe me, you'll get TONS of publicity from my diary ;)
from rachimal :
Hey, I love your diary. happy random guestbook signing week
from buttmonkie :
after reading your diary i have the magnificent aspiration to be cool uncle bob, though really i would have to be cool aunt bob..which just leads to its own set of issues and concerns. anyhoo, you crack me up, although you have heard it gajillions of times, i just thought i would add to it for kicks and giggles. really neither of the two, but im sure you get the point.
from scanzilla :
P.S. Stop shitting on my corpse's face.
from scanzilla :
Avenge my death you bastard!
from soulepiphany :
Favorite Sweet Tea? Favorite Hearing Aid Store? What the hell?? What kinda place are you people running down there? Eh. I signed it anyway. :)
from wildrose1 :
I made a spaghetti sauce that ocked saturday for a fund raiser. Men that cry are sexy, as long as they don't cry over a broken nail, lol. Can I have a recommendation? ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
from stucknbumfuk :
I just laughed so fucking hard, I almost joined the little girl in peeing herself. Hilarious. You have this snarky way of saying things that hits my cynical side just right and leaves me cracking up.
from star-heart :
You crack me up, you really do. I will have to spend some time going through your archives. How can you be so funny?!
from jenne1017 :
Happy Random Guestbook Signing Week! Pass it on...
from fairyzebra :
"Tom Dickson and Sherrie Myers, the baseball owners that created the nationally recognized Lansing Lugnuts, chose the winning name from more than 3,000 entries submitted in a local name the team contest. The winning contest entry was submitted by Montgomery resident John (Tripp) Vickers. Mr. Vickers’ reason for choosing the name Biscuits was clear when he wrote in his entry “It’s playful and fun, plus who doesn’t like Biscuits? All Alabamians like ‘em.” Mr. Vickers will receive inaugural season tickets and Montgomery Biscuits team merchandise from the team’s official retailer, the Biscuit Basket. The team’s official logos and colors were designed by Percy Wang of Simple Studios, Chicago, Illinois, in collaboration with Dickson and Myers. The primary logo, containing an animated biscuit character who has a pad of butter for a tongue and wears baseball cleats, is known as “Monty”!" Unclebob, let me be the first to tell you that i am appalled to live in Tampa Bay, as it seems the Biscuits are "affiliated with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays". My apologies.
from cruel-irony :
Enjoy you vacation... you certainly deserve it.
from ravynemyst :
pity, no...envy..hell yes! I miss the ocean soooo much! Have an awesome time anyway!
from dano :
I just read about the Biscuits in a national baseball publication and how one woman wrote to one of your local papers saying that whoever came up with the name should be "covered in honey and thrown on an ant hill," or something to that effect. Interestingly enough, there is a group that travels to minor-league ballparks throughout the summer performing a Blues Brothers act. They've got the car and everything; they're quite good.
from samiam0341 :
Man...Hilton Head Island looks beautiful. Just like South Padre Island, only without Mexican garbage washed up all over the beaches.
from puarkat :
okay, er, you DID make that all up, right uncle bob? forgive me, i'm from NYC..if you didn't make that up please tell me it's at least a MINOR LEAGUE team???!!!!!! otherwise, i will KNOW there is something funny in the water down there!!!!!!
from cmkern3 :
I was totally waiting for the punchline to your practical joke regarding the Biscuits. You know, like the Matrix spoiler about Keanu having all sorts of mini-Keanu babies, or about how you and Susie were pregnant. But no punchline here?????? You've GOT to be kidding!!
from manda-d :
Ha ha ha! I especially like the slap of butter inside the biscuit!
from thepeachtree :
mmmm.... that team sounds tasty!
from gwsteed :
You know the crepes? I forgot the part where you roll them up into a log with the strawberries inside. THEN the syrup. Man. Been makin' 'em for 33 years. You'd think . . .
from ljungberg8 :
i saw a UFO too. i hate the way no-one belives us!
from veronica-- :
i like Peter Frampton, lol!
from wildrose1 :
those are cool memories. I hope you have a wonderful Memorial Day. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
from robin-smith :
Hey Uncle, thanks for your chivalry in attempting to rescue me from the den of iniquity that is Disco's residence. I managed to escape unscathed (and I'm going back in six weeks, because Doug is the shiznit).
from darkfairy13 :
Awsome diary, poor daycare lady........
from gwsteed :
U. Bob, Crepes? Yeah, the good French ones are thin and . . . unsatisfying. These are not as good but lots better: The night before you want them, mix up 1.5 cups of milk, 3 eggs, 1 TBS oil, 1 tsp salt, and 1 cup flour. Let this stand overnight. In the morning, stir it up, heat up a 9" cast iron skillet and pour in a third of a cup or so. It will be pretty thin and spread out a lot more than your usual pancake but a lot less than those French crepes. Flip it before it gets black, brown the other side, flop it on a plate, spoon in some strawberries, cover it with syrup or whipped cream or powdered sugar or whatever. Um-numm. You can double or triple the recipe without problem. My parents had a restaurant for 15 years. The couple that had it for 25 years before him served these as well. One key seems to be the iron pan. They don't come out well in a thin aluminum skillet. Best, Uncle George
from thepeachtree :
Good luck finding a good daycare! I hope you start feeling better. I had the same thing not to long ago. It sucks.
from foolish-soul :
get well soon uncle bob. i feel your pain.
from wildrose1 :
if you had bet you'd own the farm and ranch. I for one was rooting for Rueben. I am so tired of hearing 105 pound teenaged girls talking about dieting. I thing that the image of american idol was in dire need of a change. Besides who pays $15 for a cd because the artist looks good. I want a voice I can listen to for 45 minutes for that price. ;o) ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
from dobe :
Feel better ... much much better.
from amberfalls :
Get well soon. We're thinking of you uncle bob.
from seemedance :
feel better uncle bob! It's hard to start my day without some of your wisdom.
from lorisor :
Hope you feel better real soon UB! It sucks to have stuff coming out both ends at the same time, doesn't it. Maybe next time you guys will wash your hands AFTER having sloppy sex and BEFORE you sit down to eat......
from lovinglav :
Hi hope you feel better soon, if I was there I would MAKE you HOMEMADE chicken and noodle soup... hey have you ever visted Tshirthell.com they have one there I wanna get but will offend way to many people and I am not ready to do that at this point in my life... here is the link http://www.tshirthell.com/shirts/tshirt.php?sku=a222&style=e&color=04&size=3%3A+CHOOSE+A+SIZE
from wildrose1 :
I hope you didn't fall over in the shower. I like the way you write. Have a great day. No spinning. (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
from lilhippy :
Poor Bob!!! *pat pat* Hope you feel better soon!! *hands you a balloon and flowers*
from samiam0341 :
I've found that puking is quite an abs exercise. Are you sore today? There should be a new fitness training video any day now featuring dysentery powered quick weight loss/abs blaster exercises. Or is it ass blaster exersises? That would be the legs workout tape.
from marsist :
sounds like food poisoning. General Tso's chicken did all that and more to me one time. I feel for you.
from chedderfish :
I understand your reasons for removing the army but i gotta say you were one of my only sources for any linkage. thanks!
from sammybob24 :
Dude, Waffel House is so wrong it's ridiculous. My family and I were comming home from the condo we own in Florida, and they were all over the place, all grungy and such. Anyways, it was like 5 am, and nothing else was open, so we stopped there to get some breakfast after driving all night. Big mistake, as I'm sure you must know. Don't think about going back to the Waffel house...please, in the name of our dear sweet Lord!!!!
from cassiopeia- :
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of the army while you had it!
from indpndnt-ter :
Wanna hear something sad? My mom (bless her outdated heart) still calls drugs "dope". In front of family. And strangers. With a completely straight face. "Ya know, Ter, all those rock stars are on dope and drink alcohol" ::sigh::
from amigamaster :
Thank you Uncle Bob. I found your site at Mr Bitterness' site. Like this site of yours :)
from thepeachtree :
Rain is fun! I wish it would rain more here. Consider yourself lucky you got drenched beyond belief to the point where you actually had to swim acrost the baseball field. *smiles*
from j-leem :
BOB! Had you listed on my fav's for a while now and thought it was about time I let you personally know your gibberings kick ass! I'm on ub's life support system, so if you ever pull the plug I'm gonna die! And if you ever had a few moments to waste: http://j-leem.diaryland.com Ciao bello!
from dobe :
thanks .... i enjoy the diary and the TWoP!
from mizerychick :
For the record, ducks HATE when it rains
from ravynemyst :
::laughs hysterically:: You have such a way of making what would to some of us be a dull day into an amazingly vivid display of theatrics with your writing. As always, I enjoy reading your posts.
from amandabean :
the best part of the matrix? my name was in one of the very last lines of the credits. woo-hoo.
from persimmmon :
Enjoyed your diary a few weeks back, found it again today. It encouraged me to write an especially suck-ass poem.
from lovingmysky :
i dont know why so many people get a kick out of your diary... saying something like "only nerds and geeks like science" is downright offensive. if it werent for those "nerds and geeks" you wouldnt have that precious computer in front of you right now. oh no.. then you wouldnt have all your little groupies to worship this lame site. sorry, um, no offense.
from lost-prophet :
just thort id tell u that burnt microwavable popcorn is definately the worst smell in the world. byeeee
from robin-smith :
Medeski, Martin and Wood are pretty great, actually. Acid-jazzy. Worth a look.
from funda :
funny and he has an army?... this one bears watching.
from cmkern3 :
Haley Berry wasn't married to Mike Tyson...that was Robin Givens...
from adobogirl :
Liver and onions be the Shizzy foe Nizzzy!
from thepeachtree :
hahaha
from cmkern3 :
Thought you might enjoy my similar entries on that new show people are talking about... http://cmkern3.diaryland.com/030410_69.html and http://cmkern3.diaryland.com
from alteridem :
Bob, I am saddened by this entry. Sure Rueban may be SLIGHTLY larger than the average star BUT, I think popculture has already gone downhill so why not try to break the stereotypes by getting a guy up there who most would expect to sing hiphop or whatever and have him singing some pop? He's just so lovable! whereas we have little gay Clay and country singer military dude. Rueban may have a problem with the name but hes OK in my book!
from moongazer37 :
he he. funny diary. i love it :)
from crazzymum :
Well Unk... I've got a confession for you!!!! Clay makes my knees weak!!!!! When he opens his mouth to sing, I turn into complete JELLY!!!!! And, I actually like the way he looks! I dunno... there's that innocent quality about him that I can't help but want to take advantage of!
from mayapple :
Damn, Bob. Mel and the Party Hats? Did we go to the same school. I never thought I would see that name on Diaryland. Anyway, you don't know who the hell I am. Carry on.
from robin-smith :
Ya know, it didn't even occur to me to mention Groovy Decay to Robyn? Probably because I was a) totally dumbstruck by his Hitchcockian goodness, and b) drunk off my everlovin' ass. But it was an amazing experience nonetheless.
from dmbmidnite :
Just wanted to send a happy birthday to your mom.
from chromemm :
Good lord thats twice you linked me because my spelling is so bad the only person in history known for anything worse is Dan Quale and his "potatoe". Then again I shouldn't bitch since the largest read person in diaryland *and probably as big or bigger then any single person on any other diary/journal/blog site* has so far linked me twice...this time actually using my user name rather then the "worst spelling be contestant ever." Then again I'm going to get a large chunk of hits the exact day I write an entry about being to damn sensitive, calling Gawain an asshole for insulting me for it, AND having Gawain...well you read him...you'll find out. Oh what a complicated twist of fate.
from shortbow :
How dare someone tell you that something is not plug-worthy! Who you decide to help is fully your business and no one else's. Besides, the very fact that you do put out these plugs speaks volumes of your kindness and generosity. Many, many people do not offer up even that small bit of help. Kudos to you, Uncle Bob!
from pieceofmind1 :
I believe you are right-that your plugs say just as much about you-your generosity of heart and soul, and your values, as anything else you would write. Personally, I am unable to donate money, but time is a commodity that I can share, so that is how I contribute beyond my work-a-day life. More Power to you, Uncle Bob!
from bigcanoe :
Hi. I was refered to you by "bitsofmylife." I had written an entry in my diary regarding a 60km walk-a-thon I am doing in Sept for breast cancer. By registering I have agreed to raise $2000 and am trying my darndest to do just that. She suggested I write to you and ask for your help as you apparently do "plugs" every weekend. If you could help, that would be amazing! If you'd like to read the entry it is titled "www.endcancer.ca" More information on the walk can be found (surprise surprise) at that website. Thanks a bunch, Kara
from dansting :
Hey man, I'm glad your friend and her baby are fine. My wife had a similar experience last week, but the baby didn't make it, so it is good to hear a good story about something like this. It's been a rough week and a half (you can check it out if you care at dansting.diaryland.com), so that story made me feel a little better. I hope they continue to do well, and keep up the good journals. Later.
from puter-chique :
Can't say as I've ever had to buy lunch for someone "while i'm out", seeing as i've spent most of my lunch times in the school cafeteria, but I can totally relate to the whole falling down with stuff part. i make a point of tripping over my own feet at least three times a week. keeps me humble. :)
from koomaster :
Dude, you did a great job already for future lunch buying trips - I'm sure no one is gonna ask you to bring them back a quarter of a drink and a dirty sandwhich. I don't think you have to worry.
from anifish :
Haha that sounds like a good idea! Maybe people will understand if you just tell them, "HECK NO" next time they ask! :)
from dungbeetle3 :
ok here's a trick. The next time you say you are going to lunch and they ask where, the answer is Target, Walmart, Kmart, Radio Shack etc. If they ask if you can pick them up something on the way over, it is never in the direction you are going, even if it is next door. "Sorry, it's not really on my way" is always a good answer. Even if you are actually going to the place that they want food from. Should you get suckered into still having to get them something "while you are out", you always collect the money beforehand, and get a receipt at what ever food place you go to.
from dykealways :
birkenstocks under a flannel dress... priceless.
from thepeachtree :
Awwah! Thats so cute. (Your kid).. But as a woman, i'm adopting, to avoid situations like that one.
from komachi :
I am glad that both the mother and the baby are doing just fine.
from peytonsplace :
Dear old Uncle Bob, how the hell are ya? I guess the new job is keeping you pretty busy, as we have been reduced to leaving notes in guestbooks and notebooks. Fungomery was much improved when I visited last week. I know it is to your hard work and dedication. Or it could just be that I only left the house at night, so it was too dark to see anything. Whatever it was, keep up the good work.
from sampotato :
I am sad that you are having difficulties regarding your church and the board at your church. I have experienced difficulties at churches myself. I can only speak for myself, not for you, but I believe that it is extremely important that the entire family find a church that meets their needs. We found this to be true in our situation since we had a teenager and our old church had no teenagers. We moved to one that had lots of people our age, teenagers, and people of all other ages too. The minister was very good and his sermons really helped us. Also, we felt like we belonged. I hope you can find this type of situation for your family.
from cassiopeia- :
www.partnersinkindness.org
from cassiopeia- :
This site made me think of you. <a href=http://www.partnersinkindness.org/>HERE</a>
from lavidaloca-2 :
good luck with the church, am not v. big with the believing but if you are then you deserve a chuch you will be comfortable at, any body who harps on you otherwise is big fat poopy headed dork.
from ravynemyst :
I admire your stance on the church issue Unclebob. I hope you and your family find one that fulfills all of your needs. Best wishes to you, your wife and your small child.
from randommuse :
Hi Uncle Bob! I'm a big fan (literally...I ate a whole box of chocolate fudge Pop Tarts all by myself this weekend) of your writing. Your recaps for TWoP are the best snark on a site with the snark experts. And, I hope you know that I'm probably going to lose my job because I can't start any actual work until I've read your morning diary entry.
from mikesperry :
Hey UB! I've enjoyed your blog for a couple of years now. Keep up the good work. I know how you feel about the changes your church has gone through, and your desire to leave it. Much the same sort of thing happened with my family and the church we went to. It sucks that the selfish desires of a few have had such a negative impact on so many (but what else is new?) Oh, and one tiny criticism: in your April 28 update you wrote "So this woman was not hired based on the needs of the church family as a whole, but rather the alterior motives of the people on the board." Um... there is no word called "alterior". I think you meant "ulterior". You're a writer-guy, you should know that! ;)
from vanillakitty :
What church did you go to??? (((hugs)))
from vanillakitty :
Hey so are you in GA? (talking about the tornado). Anyways I've been reading ya for a while now got your link from Katress & I really like ya! Just thought I would stop in and say hello! (((hugs)))
from samantha616 :
I read the story of Lota, the elephant, and was really moved. Me and my whole family signed the petition, and I put a link in my diary as well. I also sent it to my sister, who has been an elephant-rights activist since she was about 3 years old, so she will hold her friends at gunpoint to sign it! Thanks for helping!
from chuffnutt :
I've experienced hail like that in the '70's: brings back memories!
from pieceofmind1 :
OOH, AH, Amazing photos!
from dansting :
Hey man. You got me started on this diaryland stuff. I read you're Surreal Life reviews, and now I suffer through Fraternity Life for those too. I just wanted to let you know that your stuff is pretty good. Take it easy.
from amberfalls :
Hello. As one of your faithful readers, I was hoping you could give me a plug like you did for Erynn and Jeanne. I sent Erynn a postcard but I'm totally strapped for cash, so I wasn't able to purchase a bra for Jeanne. I'm raising money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and training for a marathon. You can read all about it by going to my diary and clicking on the READ THIS FIRST button. Of course, if you don't want to turn your diary into a charity festival, I understand. Thanks a bunch for checking it out though. -a-
from jendra :
I lived in Toronto up until recently; went to the movies, took the subway, ate out. Didn't catch me any SARS. Meh, it's not a big deal at all. Unless you're old or your immune system is compromised. Like if you had cancer or AIDS or you're getting over pneunmoina (sp?) There haven't been any cases in the States at all have there? What with the tighened border controls, I doubt thre will be. You Yanks are a wary of us!...and our SARS.
from bionicus :
www.wilcoworld.net .. download the new EP.
from manda-d :
I'd say a 5. OK a 7.
from crazzymum :
BTW......... HOOT AND A HALF BABY!
from crazzymum :
Hi guy... thanks for the laugh this morning. I really needed it. It helped make my morning a little more bearable whilst I suffer through yet another headache ridden day! Hope ya don't catch SARS!!!!!!
from groovebunny :
Loved the Joe Mingler entry. I can so relate to that. I hate mingling. But yes, once you get the groove on it's a pretty good feeling.:)~Ta!
from groovebunny :
Loved the Joe Mingler entry. I can so relate to that. I hate mingling. But yes, once you get the groove on it's a pretty good feeling.:)~Ta!
from dfallenangel :
Hey! Was browsing diaries and came across yours and let me tell you i'll be back to read more tomorrow!
from pimpshack :
holy shit UB, I didnt even notice that youre way past the 1,000,000 hits mark. way to go, thats f'n AWESOME
from unadopechica :
Not to be a totally insensitive ass, but how's the car? I mean, by Cobra, I'm assuming you meant a sweet Shelby Cobra and I'm guessing it was restored - no simple task - and that it's sadly totalled. Sucks about the boss lady too.
from lobotomybabe :
Most of your entries are pretty funny but I was laughing out loud all through today's entry--especially giggling about shooting the neighbor kids. You're hilarious, UB! --L
from groovebunny :
"A woman would laugh appreciatively when a guy farted to make a point." Sometimes my wee one will tell a story and fart at the end just to emphasis his point...like a double exclamation point. That cracks me the hell up much to the dismay of the grandparents...:) ~Ta!
from heathir31 :
you know...maybe I never moved past the toilet humor phase in my 'humor' development, but when my husband farts inadvertantly after I question him, responding with a "OK, that's what I think of that," I *always* laugh.
from melissa1983 :
GODDAMN YOU! I'm really jealous that you got the Family Guy DVD. I have not been able to find it anywhere. Everywhere I went, it was sold out!
from savecraig :
the Family Guy will be back on Cartoon Network on Adult swim, Sundays, woohoo!
from becsellent1 :
Yes, yes. Family Guy is hilarious. I don't want to start a riot here, but I do belive FG is consistantly more funny than The Simpsons. We had all the episodes downloaded, but bought the dvd when it came out. Now THAT'S pure comedy gold. My boyfriend and I want to purchase a white dog and name him Brian. We'll give him dry martinis day in and day out. If that won't make the damn thing talk then... well... at least he'll be drunk.
from crazzymum :
Should I really say it? HOOT AND A HALF DUDE!!!!!
from soulepiphany :
...Daddammit. Holy shit.
from ontheoutside :
hahaha uncle bob, you crack my shit up. :)
from btrflynurse :
ROFLMAO. Pervy's Story is sad, but funny. Did the doctor say if his constant self-whacking was the cause of this?
from crazzymum :
ROTFLMAOPIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from chimericalme :
heh, i know what you mean about the whole dying testicle thing. I dont personally know, being a female, but i have a close friend, also 15, who ALMOST suffered the same fate. they saved the poor thing by a few hours. :) useless info i know...
from savecraig :
imagine if he ever gets with a girl and she finds out he's a uni-ball, talk about an awkward moment...
from realminto :
talking of balls, it sounds like the ball on your mouse needs a good cleaning, and also the inside of the mouse gets all gungy too
from dykealways :
i love your diary. it cracks me up. when i have nothing better to do, i flop down in front of my computer and read about your day. oh.. congrats on the tax refund. LOL
from manda-d :
Hope Oprah doesn't get wind of that entry, ha.
from sakuradolly :
Hey, I wish that I could write such cool poetry.........Mines all about flowers and love and stuff......Dammit! *sakuradolly loves you already!!!*
from busybean :
Hey Uncle Bob, I read you every morning to get my day started with a laugh, but one thing in today's entry struck me. You made a comment about athiests that I didn't really appreciate. Athiests don't believe in heaven or hell. We aren't satanist, in fact, don't believe in satan. To say you felt like you were in heaven should have just remained that statement. There was no need to make a rude comment about athiests to make your point. I'm glad you enjoy your new job, it does sound great, now maybe you could help me find a new one! Thanks. Busybean
from pieceofmind1 :
Hi UC, what kind of mind is facile enough to equate "the juicy pimple on the supermodel's fine ass" with a neighbor's errant yard that is the eyesore of the neighborhood? Your mind, that's what. Thanks for my daily laugh! -Debra
from pieceofmind1 :
Oh, and btw, happy anniversary!
from pieceofmind1 :
You are sooooooo funny-that story about the wasabi had me chuckling. I was also amused by your comment that your son says "No!" to everything-I remember that stage so very well. My boys are now nearly 13 and 18, and I will tell you that some things don't change all that much! Re: hot'n'tot hoity toities-I don't like pretentious people EITHER. Thanks for giving me something else to laugh about. ;-)
from poked2x :
for a minute there, I thought you brought home killer weed. but I guess that was for the first anniversary.
from ljungberg8 :
'ello! im a bit random i am. thats nice. ok, have a nice day! [insert random animal noise here]
from staple-stuck :
I've got a postie for Erynn ready to mail in the morning-always glad to help on stuff like this!
from uclafan87 :
hello! ive just created a new website.a public diary, whrere anyone can post and be anonymous... thanks! http://boomletters.diaryland.com
from shroomfaerie :
Just reading your cheesy entry made my mouth water with salivary thoughts of Parmesan. ...Then again, I also eat frog legs.
from jennamhughes :
Nobody gives vegetarians shit about not eating meat. HAHAHA-Uncle Bob, this is the one time I can actually say you're wrong! If you have any vegetarian friends ask them...people hate us. lol
from celtickatt :
P.S. You should start a diary ring for cheese haters if there isn't one already...
from celtickatt :
UGH! You're damned right there are others out there just like you! Cheese is evil I tell you! EVIL! Actually, it's more along the lines of what came out of EVIL's ASS! Good God that shit is rank! Especially Parmesan cheese. That shit smells like it's been eaten, digested and pooped about 8 times, then bottled. I'm definitely a cheese hater! I feel for you...
from madamefromag :
No cheese for you huh? As Madame Fromage, who keeps a "Cheese Log," I must be your antichrist.
from mizerychick :
"Smells like bad meat or good cheese". I think that pretty much says it all when it comes to me and the evil fermented dairy ass that is cheese. I have found quite a few that are odorless and non funky tasting but that's few and far between. I hear ya bro. Fight the cheese! Hell, I think you should start a lawsuit against "Big Cheese".
from btrflynurse :
Unwashed Ass? I will never look at or eat cheese the same way again. Thanks, UB. :-)
from sunstarr :
I can definitely sympathize with you and your situation. Although I am not lactose-intolerant, I am a vegetarian who CHOOSES not to consume dairy products. Imagine how quickly my choices are limited when I go out to eat... most of the world eats meat and meat with cheese. I'm not glad that you're lactose intolerant but I am glad that you don't consume diary products! ;-) Have a great day! (((((( UncleBob ))))))
from pieceofmind1 :
you are too much fun. Refreshing. I found you through Andrew. He has such good taste! Heh. I signed up for your notify list. If you need to know anything about me, you will find me at: http://pieceofmind1.diaryland.com
from captivated- :
Hey unclebob! You were listed as incugirls favorite diary and I just wanted to stop by and see what all the fuss was about, and my are you popular ;)
from crazzymum :
Hey there Mr. Hoot and a Half!!! If anyone can convince the Mayor that you need more Tony's, then it's you!!! You could convince a nun to do a strip tease for the Pope!!! LOL
from ravynemyst :
Ran across your site via nicronsart's site. She is right..your wit is awesome! I will definitely be back!
from shnut :
hey uncle bob its kelly, aka a loyal reader... just got my wisdom teeth out this morning- just letting you know you will be one major part of my entertainment for the next week! i'd say make it good, but it always is! thanks!
from btrflynurse :
Happy Anniversary UB and Susie!!! :-) Glad you are liking your new job UB!
from miss-miami :
I was a tour guide for three years and I'm going to make my script into a book. Hey, that is so cool. If you have a city as cool as mine, that really is uh, cool. (And at a job interview the boss-man said "You sure know a lot of adjectives! in a good way.)
from somatic :
Uncle Bob, you're a spectacular writer. Really. That's why when you write things like "now my conscious is clear", I have to cringe. It's 'conscience', dear. If your 'conscious' was clear, you'd be asleep or dead.
from kidneygurl :
I really get a laff from your site, thanks!
from groovebunny :
:) My son does the same thing. He won't eat any broken cookies, chips...you name it. If it's not whole he wants nothing to do with it. Regardless of the fact that it's going to end up a big mush mess in his tummy anyways. I think it's just one of the ways he tries to exert his own control over a world he has no control over. Or maybe it's his way of showing his idealistic view of the world at his age...a whole cookie for each mouth. Or maybe it's just one of those things designed to drive me crazy. :) Anyways...I enjoy reading your diary. Ta!
from helderheid :
My boy is the same way. Is yours a Virgo too?? Hehehe - yes - everything has to be just so, and don't you go changing that on him unless you enjoy listing to the piercing screams and whines of a 2.5 year old.
from crazzymum :
I know I've said this before... but, just in case, it didn't get through the first time. You are a HOOT AND A HALF!!!!!! LOL
from lavidaloca-2 :
wow congratulation on the new job its nice to hear someone's getting a job. too bad about the tour script, maybe you can make it up as you go along on the tour.
from robin-smith :
Congrats on the new job! And on all the happy, uninterrupted wanking that can take place in your VERY OWN BATHROOM! Cheers!
from missprisy :
Hey there, I just noticed a couple of your army diaries go to the diaryland page. I'm guessing they haven't updated in so long Andrew took them off the server. Maybe it's time to update your army?
from irisheyes70 :
"I see your balls." Oh my gosh! I think I almost wet myself! Hmmm, I wonder if that one will end up in the baby book! Best of luck on the new jobs! And with your church too. :)
from pazazygeek :
Congrats on your new job to both you and your wife!
from helderheid :
Good luck today - both Uncle Bob and Uncle Suzie! By the way, how old is Andrew? He sounds adorable.
from genibee :
Congrats on the new employment. It sounds like a really fun gig!
from jenne1017 :
well
from cassiopeia- :
waisted, waited...whatever! ")
from bluedawg :
Hey Unclebob, just wanted to say congrats on the job, it's great that you got away from those jerks. Cool diary by the way.
from btrflynurse :
Good luck on your new job UB! If I ever visit your lovely city (if I knew which city that was) I will be sure to enjoy all the touristy things that you are in charge of...lol
from cassiopeia- :
We have found that advertising in Southern Living has been successful, and that we waited money in the Alalanta Georgia newspaper...zero response. My husband has a computer game that allows you to build a city and if you suck, you get fired and loose the game. I would be happy to send it to you, because, guess who has been fired several times and will no longer play? But he still has to save the world by playing some other "save the world as you shoot everything in sight" game. *sigh* Good Luck, I believe you will LOVE this new job! ~Sandy~
from sammybob24 :
That took guts! good for you!
from cassiopeia- :
CONGRATULATIONS! You should get all of those snotty nosed people's email addresses and put them on the notify me list, just in case they don't know about your diary. That's what I would do, but then again, I can be mean that way. Happy New Venture to you and Susie too! ~Sandy~
from madamefromag :
Congrats on the job. What perfect timing. I wonder if you'll ever get that last paycheck.
from eggerbug :
(I just read Tuesday's entry) - I used to babysit for a couple with 2 little girls named Mercedes and Alexis. A few years after I quit (i.e., got a car and a real job), they had another girl and named her Portia...
from grace02 :
Wow, I always see your name on the favorites lists in like everyone's diary so I decided to check it out and I know why now... I love the thing where you can change colors and the army is awesome! I just really love the layout and your diary rocks!
from btrflynurse :
You're a friggin' genius, Uncle Bob. I always suspected it but never really knew until just now. :-) I have a boring diary too. It's so boring I don't even write an entry every day. btrflynurse.diaryland.com
from metanoia :
I don't know about spitting mad, but a lady at my church last Sunday said something had made her hopping mad. I wonder where they fall on the mad scale...
from cassiopeia- :
I hope that no one gets pinworms! http://www.genhealth.com/hupara.htm
from light-switch :
ladeeleroy? is that you?
from janeroe :
those little bastards. I hate it when they steal my money! You can take 'em on, Uncle Bob! That 'beware of crushing' thing is just there to scare you.
from crazzymum :
You're a hoot and a half!!!!!!!
from panjandrum :
Uncle Bob! You won an Anti Bloggie! http://www.antibloggies.com/3/ Albeit it's for most dead links. Maybe it's time to clean out the army. Oh well you still won, there's nothing wrong with that.
from jenne1017 :
LOFL snack cake pork rind no fall HAHAHA
from ladyirony :
OMG... that's quite possibly the *best* April Fool's joke I've seen in d-land. I admit I haven't seen many, but that one was... *wow*... you had me going.
from lilhippy :
*thwaps you with baby shower gift* :P Got me all excited and everything...hmph...
from recover-me :
you know, out of all the diaries i read, you're the only one that did a joke. And I was expecting nothing less from you! That was good. But you wouldn't be happy if you had another one? :)
from cmkern3 :
You are so mean!!!
from crazzymum :
You're such a nut!!! I, for one, wasn't fooled because I've been waiting all day for the April Fool's jokes!!! LOL Oh well... maybe next year.
from ddrboy :
very nice. very nice indeed!
from maritza27 :
awwww.....I'm so gullible. I almost had a tear in my eye, too. Damn you for toying with my sympathetic heart....but funny as always!
from mizerychick :
I highly, HIGHLY recommend the "They Might Be Giants" CD for kids - "NO." It's damn funny with catchy songs for kids but not sugary sweet annoying catchy, like Barney. I think Andrew would get a kick out of it.
from sintimate :
That was fucked up, Uncle Bob. I'm so gullible.
from savecraig :
you got me, good one.
from jendra :
Uncle Bob, you stinker! :P
from samantha616 :
Ok, that is not a nice joke to play on someone! Do you not realize that there are women out here with baby envy bad enough to kill!?!?!?!? Ok, I'm done being mad. I have to admit, you got me, and many others, I'm sure!!!!
from liquidhuman :
Uncle Bob! Toying with my emotions like that!
from hundredwatts :
I'm hoping tomorrow we get another entry saying "Suckahs - April 1 wasn't over yet. She really is knocked up."
from madamefromag :
Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your fake child.
from btrflynurse :
I can't believe I fell for it! I was sitting there going "awwwwwwww"....and the best part is, that was going to be my April Fools Joke for a few of my friends! The thought just passed through my mind only minutes before I read your entry. Geez! lol
from squishyvan :
I love your diary! You crack me up! Keep up the wonderful job. I'll be sure to read it often!
from crazzymum :
ROTFLMAO!!! I can't help but just sit here and laugh and your neighbor's name choices for his daughters!!! We have identical twin girls and one is named Mercedes. We were having a little trouble picking a name for the second one and, of course, our family started recommending all sorts of names... Mazda, Chevy, Mitsubishi, etc. But, I will readily admit that my husband actually considered naming her Alexis so that we could say, "We have a Mercedes and Alexis!" No, we didn't torture them with that... the twinners are Mercedes and Isabella! LOL
from hazard0001 :
Hey bob, love the site, can't believe your from alabama you sound smart, hey i can tell alabama jokes i've got relatives from tusculusa. Keep writing its nice to hear about somebody's life when its not on reality t.v.
from robin-smith :
Thanks sugar!
from lostinmylove :
You are awsome! I love the way you seem to take ANYTHING and make it HILARIOUS! Now I know why you are listed on everyone's fav's!
from caldwell-kid :
Oh man if I were in pervy's situation I would have taken a fresh load on your carpet and then break done crying blaming it on society and how they let ex-presidents get away with that kind of stuff. But hey we have all been there, not specificly getting caught but being curious and going into a room late at night and masturbating vigoursly because it makes you feel funny inside. but keep up the interesting life, it is hilarious.
from samantha616 :
Love your site! I would fread out if my nephew was looking at porn on my computer too! Hope you stop him!!! good luck!
from cant-make-me :
go unclebob! i'm glad you told 'pervy' off :)
from euphorion :
About the toolbar that Granny managed to mangle. It's really pretty easy to fix, assuming you're running a windows operating system. Just click on the toolbar and drag it to the bottom, it'll go with you. I keep mine at the top, but it's easy to put on any side of the screen. Someone else probably told you already, but there ya go.
from kellbelle :
Great stuff man... I love it. I have a 'grandma' too, but she's not MY grandma and now that I'm divorced.. I don't have to put up with it. Good luck!
from neckbreaker :
You are wicked funny and I'm a huge fan of your Surreal Life recaps! Maybe I should have post to the bulletin board but re: Men crying. I live in NYC and on the morning of Sept 11 right after the first tower fell I saw some men crying in the street and thougt "oh, shit. This must really be The End." I remember the only time my father cried after our dog died. That was scary because a) it was a shock to see and b) he was so upset that we didn't think the grave he dug in the back yard was deep enough but didn't want to upset him even further. Instead, we kind of just got some big rocks to put on top of it so and told him that they were the headstones. Just a little sharing! Bye!- Kate
from annie-m-s-b :
Ok, I'm hooked! Hugs, Annie
from mizerychick :
Love the diary, love the ranting, have pity on you for the inlaws. My inlaws invite me out to drink with them and then pay the bartab, so I can't really relate ;) Spread the love, check out my diary.
from cassiopeia- :
Uncle Bob, this is YOUR diary? What a concept!
from damodred :
maybe you need to get net nanny or something?
from surfingrl :
I once overheard a conversation between my grandfather and a guy friend of mine, dicussing good porn sites on the web. My friend wasn't allowed to come over my house when my relatives were visiting after that.
from traumamamma :
Oh God Bob, I stumbled on your diary and I laugh like a freaking loon here at work. I work nites, so I am still muddling thru your archives. I am a paramedic and 911 dispatcher and the nights can get pretty boring sometimes...you have the same sense of humor that we do....I am sharing you with all my hot medic friends. ( we would be on your list of chicks you wishes you slept with!!) I am gonna start adding my own 911 idiot calls I get as well as EMS calls I go to...hope you will get a kick out of the madness I have to deal with!! You rock!! Love your kid stories, I can sooo relate!! xoxo Donna
from barybabe :
Got your link from my sister Loriebug and love your diary. Very funny stuff. Congrats to your wife on the new job, I need me a job like that. Oh and riding mowers are GREAT! You should realy get one. ~G
from cassiopeia- :
What in the world did you have to say about Disney that people are all worked up about? I can't seem to find it. I was nervous as hell to go, but am glad we did. Security was all over the place. Congrats to Susie! or should I say $U$IE? ") ~Sandy...like the beach, no dollar sign...
from becsellent1 :
I agree about Big Fat Greek Wedding. I made my boyfriend watch it with me beacuse I heard such good things... it was AWFUL!! She didn't even go through a beauty transformation or have some corny montage of her trying on the 'perfect first date outfit'! She just slaps on some make-up that she could have done all along? And what's with the guy seeing her in the friggin' travel agency??? Did the restaurant have NOTHING to do with the movie?? Grrr... I'm still angry. Those people need to get a big fat greek job. And Joey Fatone needs to go back to N-Sync where he actually sucks Less. :)
from btrflynurse :
Dang that backyard is huge!
from btrflynurse :
Congrats to Susie on her kick butt job!!!!! My husband did the same thing and got a $13,000 raise. Awesome! :-)
from campouts :
hey thanks for writing.. i really enjoy reading your page. -liz
from marsist :
good for Susie!! I was an executive assistant for a guy who didn't know how to read e-mail or print things out from his computer, and one day he pissed me off just a little too much and I walked out. since then I've been reading the company's website and it's so much fun to see how helpless the guy is without someone to wipe his ass. there are few more satisfying feelings in the world.
from freakyblonde :
Hey. Love your diary. Maybe your wife's boss will get screwed in the ass with a rotten cucumber for being such an ass. Just a thought. Bye!!
from damodred :
oh and to jendra who wrote a note down there. canadian news is NOT unbiased, it's just biased in a different way than american.
from damodred :
hey um, how does one become a member of the uncle bob army?
from cmkern3 :
Tell Susie CONGRATULATIONS for me!! I spoke to her on the phone the other night, and she seemed waay too nice to be your wife!! Hahaha...just kidding UB!! (About the your wife part...she WAS very nice!!)
from madamefromag :
Congrats to your wife! I keep dreaming that an offer like that will come my way. Now I know that it is possible.
from moviegrrl :
chuffed to ribbons for the both of you!
from realminto :
Can you lend me $10?
from samiam0341 :
Thaz the funniest stuff I've read innawhile! Thanks, Uncle Bob! In a world of patchouli stinkin' birkenstocks, you are the comfy combat boot!
from jendra :
Oh dear, you get your news from CNN? That is the biggest American propaganda channel there is! I often wonder how yanks out there would respond to seeing Canadian news. It's very unbiased. I think that CNN has been brainwashing Americans and pushing the Bush Administrations agenda rathern than reporting the news. When you get an equal dose of Canadian news and American news you really see the difference. Whereas 2 out of 3 americans may support the war, the vast majority of Canadians don't. 1 out of 3 support the war here. I wonder if it's because we're recieving more of the story for both sides. Food for thought.
from vadergirl :
Heh, you are right. For once my younger sisters weren't angry I tuned into CNN instead of MTV.
from her-story :
I wanted to say that I agree with what you said about the nameless whatchamacallit who tagged your message board. I got one, too, on my guestbook. Cowards... Your son is cute, but I have 2 (almost 3) and my older one walked at 10 months. I thought this meant he was destined for greatness until he started to hit puberty. I think I'm recinding that now... Anyways... USA USA OI OI OI (if the Aussies can do it, why can't we?)
from captvfirefly :
I know you hear this all the time, but your little Andrew is too cute!! Your description of him counting to 10 was priceless. Oh, and I want to wish Susie good luck with her job (old or new). :)
from moviegrrl :
what IS it with toddlers and the number 4 - Siobhan has exactly the same problem! But she doesn't shout NINE! At the moment she's amazing us completely because she's doing really well with the ABC song..(it starts to fall down at LMNO, and then recovers for the WXYand Z....
from mojo-jojo712 :
Uncle Bob I just happened to stumble upon your web journal and I just want to say that you are hilarious! I especially love reading your re-caps of Fraternity life, I don't watch the show, but I love to read about it. You make my morning at work go by much faster. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
from staple-stuck :
I have to say...your lil' "cowboy/indian" story this morning sums it up well. *waits to hear of Andrew sticking a marble or bead up his nose*
from cassiopeia- :
You should sell your vintage toys on ebay, you will make more money that way I think. I just had someone buy three Hard Rock Cafe pins for $40.00, go figure!
from dasauce :
Whoa. Sorry about yer pal taking shit. I think you called me a bitch and a whore while I was trying to get to the point where you followed up on Saturday's news. Now as an equal opportunity journaler, you ought to have done the bitch/bastard whore/fuckhead routine. I feel like Nixon: "I am not a bitch!" Headshake and hand motion included for your sense of completion. Another father of a little Boy Who Ate A Dime Once.
from btrflynurse :
Looks like you spent your weekend the way we spent ours. Hope Andrew's dime appears soon, and glad Billy managed to salvage the wedding fiasco!
from abwhite :
How much for all the vintage toys and games? Seriously. No need to put them out in the yard sale. If you ask a price I can handle, I'll take them all off your hands. email me adynomoose@hotmail.com
from drgeek :
Congrats to Billy on partially saving the day. I would like to suggest though, that you take another few seconds consider e-Bay as an option for selling vintage toys. As a sometime watcher of "Antiques Roadshow" and other collector shows on TV, you're more likely to reach the people who are serious collectors on e-Bay. Yeah, it will be a hassle, but, vintage board games and the like are collectable. Simplifying your life is good, but simplifying your life for more beer money is better.
from wllybere :
Wow. That's just... WOW. Yep, Billy really screwed the pooch on this one. UB, I can't imagine how you are feeling because even I feel shitty for this chick. But, who the hell gets married on a Friday?? That is so unusual that she should've said, 'you realize this is a FRIDAY, right?'. Let us know the rest of the story... enquiring minds want to know! Wow!
from dasauce :
You know they handled it. And it made the whole thing more EXCITING... I can see the boombox now. Not to worry, Senor. They'll have stuff like your little guy Andrew to worry about ere long. And those are the things that matter. Really and truly. You can't take on other folk's guilt too. Lugging one's own is phucking hard enough. But, that, Sir? Does make you a caring human... and we are rare. Best. DatSauceGuy...
from pimpshack :
http://www.willyougotopromwithme.cjb.net/
from btrflynurse :
You crack me up!!! I love reading your dairies. I also live in Alabama (Huntsville) and sometimes this whole Southern way of life blows my mind. It's fun to read your perspective on stuff. Keep it up, Uncle Bob!
from thosemoments :
i've been reading your e-journal for months now, i just never got around to sending you a note. Hi! keep writing those great entries!
from raversweetie :
*ahem* you FREEDOM kissed erika. get with it!
from nmnohr :
Had to stop by to tell you that I stumbled upon your diary, and I'll be back regularly now (not that you'll sleep any better knowing that.) You are freaking hillarious, and I'm sure you've heard all this a million times before. I wish I had some eye-catching creative note to leave that would crack you up as much as you've cracked me up, but I don't. I'm all typed out... Just wanted to say thank you for the entertainment. I also have a 2 year old son, and I love to read about yours.
from darkwillow :
Thanks for giving me back the ability to actually smile while at work. Your journal's incredible.
from marsist :
it's not that Ewan likes idol worshipping, he just likes having guys grab his thighs and dry-hump his ankles. to quote TVWithoutPity, "Nicole Kidman sure does go for the gay boys."
from kitty2112 :
Oooooo, The Ring....good flick. Creeped the living hell outta me and boyfriend too. It's the kind of movie that makes you run and jump into bed after you turn off the lights - lol. Boyfriend and I watched it over my parents 2 days ago. The have a huge room on the back of their house that's mostly made up of windows, that all look out to the woods. My parents cracked out Mini Poodle kept growling at the trees throughout the movie. Freaky ass little rat!
from mommymartin :
pickey eater problem solver!!!! my 2 year old is a pickey eater at times also!!!! i use this site alot!!! maybe it can help you! http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/kids/tool/pickyeater_tlp/?clk=1011863
from jendra :
Methinks your wife is on to something. He eats bad food because he can. He wont let himself starve, anymore then he wont let himself stop breathing and die. He will go to bed hungry once or twice and those will be cranky, difficult nights but very quickly, he will eat anything you give. such as the veggies he needs to build a healthy, little body for him. I've seen miricles happen, just like the person before me. It's a lot easier to teach him healthy eating now than later, when it may become a problem.
from savecraig :
My sister went through the same thing with my nephew, right now your son is trying to keep control of something so it's his meals since he is young, he knows he's is going to get what he wants so he doesn't eat what you serve knowing some chicken nuggets will come eventually. My sister used to make 2 meals one for everyone and one for my nephew, she asked her doctor and he told her to stop doing that, the child is being stubborn, if you don't serve him special meals he will eat what is served. The first night he might go to bed a little hungry but the second night he will eat everything on his plate, I've seen it. Miracles do happen!
from cant-make-me :
hey, i just found your diary and it's great :) your son andrew is so cute. your entry about his picky-eating habits made me chuckle. bye for now.
from brocktastic :
Hey, UB! Don't worry about the picky eating - he'll propbably come along in a few years. That was the exact "menu" that my kids would eat from (one won't even eat pizza!!) and now that the oldest is in 1st grade he's eating all kinds of stuff! Salad, asparagus, broccoli, rice pilaf, chicken (real chicken, not just nuggets), ham and cheese, tacos (try tacos with him - both my kids love tacos, tho one without the "salad" on it), all kinds of stuff. When he's a little older try giving him the "one bite rule" - he has to have at least one tiny bite of everything on his plate before her can leave, or you give him something he'll eat or whatever. But for now at least put some of your "real food" on his plate with his preferred food just so he gets used to seeing/smelling and sometimes tasting it. It's hard to believe that the stuff they couldn't get enough of out of a babyfood jar just a few years ago is the same stuff they throw at you if you attempt to serve it to them now. good luck!
from moviegrrl :
tell Susie I know a kid who will ONLY eat chocolate spread sandwiches. Andrew's doing WAY better than him!!!
from lostimmortal :
So I've been seeing your name a *lot* lately, and I had to stop by and see what I was missing! And... boy am I glad I did. This was so worthy of stopping by. I'm sure I'll have to make it a ritual!!
from slurpymundae :
uhhh see what you have to say, i meant. :)
from slurpymundae :
i have an uncle bob. he's fatter than the diaryland uncle bob and he's also older. you're a skinnier younger version of my uncle i believe! lol anyways you're quite a read, i'm always stoppin' by to see what you have to see! later UB!
from sunnflower :
Well, after seeing your name pop up over and over again on DLand Faves list I had to stop by and visit. I wish I had an Uncle Bob when I was a kid. I had a Uncle Joe and he looked like maybe he worked for the mafia on the side - but that's not quite the same thing is it? After all, there could be a major string attached to any gifts given in that scenario. Sadly, he was really only a guy who liked to use a lot of grease in his hair and who sold stuff like real estate etc. My life is so...Suburban. I love your diary because now I know where to go to feel like I have the ultimate cool uncle experience I missed in my younger days. Thanks, Uncle Bob!
from jamabama004 :
cool diary-your really funny!! I wish my uncle was funny like you. Instead he tries to swing his hips to N'sync saying its the same ol groove thing. Its really scary, I tell you. A living reminder of the Stone Age. But it is kinda funny when Libbs comes up to him all sweetly then plows him with her doll "down there" screaming "BAD BOY!!" ...and people say family reunions are boring??!!!
from chicagojo :
I can't believe how big Andrew's gotten! He's not quite a baby anymore!
from manda-d :
My little girl had a hard time with "W" as well. It took me FOREVER to convince her that "W" didn't start with the letter "D". 'Cause if ya think about it, "W" does SOUND like it starts with "D". I think she is just exceptionally smart, ha!
from sugaramy :
Hi Uncle Bob! It's really great to know that you like "big black bootay"! Though, I'd have to put my vote in for Thelma!
from unadopechica :
Mad props on the Fast Times reference. One of my top five of all time. Just remember, if the customer asks for a refund, freakin' give it to them, no matter how much of the breakfast they ate.
from ncrebel21 :
Man, necrophylia is just NOT COOL...Esther Rolle (aka Florida Evans) is dead.
from heathir31 :
hi UB, I just wanted to write to say thanks for writing in your diary every damned day. Some days it's the only laughter I will expel from myself all day. Speaking of expelling...I could never get off in the shower either, and I'm a healthy 31 year old woman. So don't feel too badly,'K? -h.
from buchers :
Ditto on the bank tellers, UB...I just dealt with them this morning. Thanks for making me laugh every morning!
from burnthewitch :
Darling, you are all that and a bag of cheetos. I think you should read my diary.
from brinkster28 :
hey unclebob...ur diary kicks ass i love the layout...keep it up cuz u make me laugh!
from rarwhoisthis :
Uncle Bob--Alright, your diary rules. Hardcore. I think you should take a look at Rarr, you probably would enjoy it!
from rarwhoisthis :
Uncle Bob--Alright, you diary rules. Hardcore. I think you should take a look at Rarr, you probably would enjoy it!
from cassiopeia- :
I don't think you went to the first Kindermusik class. Not that I am keeping track or anything! Sandy
from gothangel :
cool stuff. ^V^ gothangel
from katy-bug :
Aha! No wonder all the hoop-la over Uncle Bob! You're damn funny. xx
from enondoiel :
Maybe, if I'm really, really lucky, I'll be the first Norwegian to add you as a favorite. *browses through your 1600-something fan list*. Maybe not. Wish me luck. Great diary!
from ladyrinth :
what do you think of The Simpsons?
from dreemfreek :
mommy mommy fun bags? "it takes two hands to hold a whopper". HAHAHAHAHA. i finally had to come see what all the hub-bub was about at uncle bob's place, and i was cracking up the entire time. i've seen your link tagged averywhere on diaryland, and now i know why. thanks for lighting up my otherwise dreary and boring sunday afternoon!
from blakdahlia :
Well, Uncle Bob... what's really funny about this is that I actually HAVE an Uncle Bob and a grandfather Bob and a cousin Bobby. Let's just say it's a family name. :) But I found your diary after looking around a couple other diaries and I realized how many times your diary was mentioned. So I HAD to see what the whole hullabaloo was about and I know now WHY everyone loves your diary and why it has been mentioned so many times. Your kid, Andrew is adorable! OH my goodness! ^_^ I loved reading what you had to say, and well, I know where to go if I need my spirits lifted, because you have definitely made me feel better. Thanks, and I hope to hear more from you soon. Aloha!
from crimson13 :
i think your diary is great. i bet you're a cutie-patootie. ;)
from mymys :
what does that word "heh" mean?
from kidneygurl :
I cried when I read about your dog.
from kidneygurl :
I cried when I read about your dog.
from natashka :
find an attorney in your area that specializes in workplace discrimination and sue the wife's employer to kingdom come. i'd suggest my partner's dad (he's pretty damned good), but he is licensed in wisconsin. hell, call morris dees if you have to.
from inkdragon :
Dear Uncle Bob: Thank you for loving Andrew and Maggie so much.
from buckingham :
Canadian funny people...well, haven't read the rest of your notes, so sorry if this is repetitive, but: Mike Myers, John Candy, Catherine O'Hara, um, a lot of other people from SNL (when it was funny), Jim Carrey (does he count?), and, um, the people who run standonguard.com... And I think it's funny that you suggested bombing Canada. We like attention up here. :)
from doodiesmooch :
just so's ya know.... even if you do get feedback from the plethora of idiots on the fraternity life and what not, remember this- they were and are dumb ass morons who agreed to be portayed in whatever light the editors saw fit so feel no PITY! and go right on ahead bash em to pieces they are asking for it..... BTW i read all your surreal life recaps and almost pissed my pants here at work AND i didn't watch the show. with your writing there was no need. HILARIOUS
from takacgirl35 :
You have a very ammusing diary, my friend. One of my friends found it somehow, sent me a link, and here I am. Anywho, just thought I'd mention it gave me a few laughs.
from fiestada :
I actually have been debating this week about whether or not to have my cat put to sleep; I don't want to have to, but she's really not getting around well and her bladder control...you don't wanna know. Anyway, just wanted to tell you I'm at work crying all over myself like a jackass. My sympathies.
from robin-smith :
I may be da shit, but you DA MAN. You realize, of course, that if you emigraged to frosty Canada, you'd be in the path of Saddam's missiles. It touches me that you'd make that sacrifice.
from jendra :
Oh, you silly man uncle bob. You know there are plenty of funny Canadians. Mike Meyers, Jim Carrey, Dan Aykroyd, John Candy, Micheal J. Fox, Phil Hartman to name a few. Kyahahaha.. We Canadians know that the States envies us and our funny people.
from liquidhuman :
Nuke YOU! Love, Canada.
from tara1665 :
Hey Uncle Bob! Hubby and I are going to bring our sleeping bags outside with a bottle of very good wine if the "BigONe" ever comes. Damned if ill live in a burnt out society where the microwave doesnt work and I have to wash clothes by hand. Nahhhh I would rather go out with a bang and not a whimper....
from kimyadawson :
i spelled hole wrong. jesus christ.
from kimyadawson :
you know uncle bob, i guess it was 2 years ago i put my 18 year old cat to sleep. i got her in 4th grade. half of her face, really, eye and ear included had melted off. she dribbled blood out of a whole where half her face should be. and i put it off and put it off until i saw a neigbor lure her into a carrier. i ran over and said, what are you doing with my cat? he said, taking her to be put to sleep. i said, no i will do it. and i did. after hours and hours of petting her and crying. and yeah, it was no "help! i'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" that show was a fun and awful jungle full of douchebags. when did bruce jenner have the operation. the old genital switcheroo with julie brown. holy crap. holy crap. they should show that shit on repeat in the waiting room at the vet on put your pet to sleep day. sweaty panting robin leach outrunning crocs would make me squeal with glee as they jabbed kitty in the ass with a needle full of nuclear waste. you are a good man.
from geminigodess :
wow! yesterday was my 1st time @ ur diary, & i cried when i read it, i lost my 1st dog unexpectedly a few years ago, so i could almost relate...your diary is truly touching & amazing...keep writing. I'm sorry about Maggie...i hope you and your family are doing ok. ~Danielle
from apothocary :
If anyone tells you that loving your dog enough to ease her pain is wrong, kick 'em in the head for me. It's a hard decision to make, and it takes a strong man with a lot of love in him. Hang in there, Uncle Bob, and take care of yourself.
from ladyirony :
After I read today's entry, I had to go hug my dog! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, UB. *hugs* You did the right thing. This might be a little sappy, but... http://www.rainbowbridge.com/ this is a site for those who've lost a pet.
from tinfoilhat :
Unclebob, I am very sorry for your loss. I understand what it is like. My own dog, vicky, had to be put down a few years ago. She had a spinal tumor which did not respond to surgery. In the end she could not walk... the way she looked at me... You did the right thing. We are the caretakers of our "pets". They become parts of our family. And sometimes it is hard to do the right thing... but you did. Breathe easy... she's better now. -tinfoilhat
from lilchrissi :
Hello I read yur update about yur dog Maggie. I know exactly what yur going thru..I lost my dog just last summer and had to do the hardest thing in my life as well. Your page is very touching and yes I cried... your Mags looks just like my Allie.. Hugs to you hun!! -Chrissi-
from carolc1966 :
Hi Uncle Bob, I've been reading you for a while, but have never contacted you before. I just wanted to say that you have my sympathies. I have several cats, one of which is almost ten years old and whom I've raised from a 10 week old kitten. I know someday I may have to do what you had to do yesterday and the thought fills me with dread. As hard as it was for you and Susie, Maggie is better off, no longer in pain. My thoughts are with you.
from mattieluna :
I am very sorry to hear about your dog. I had to put my beloved cat to sleep a year ago, after 17 wonderful years. i picked him out when i was 4. he died in my arms. it was the last thing I could give him--seemingly so little after all he'd given to me all those years. at the bottom of this entry: http://jollyfrog.diaryland.com/memories.html were my feelings on knowing i would soon have to put my little boy to sleep. he was just bones. we finally made the vet appt. and the night before, he lost control of his bowels for good--as though he was telling us we were doing the right thing. thank you for sharing this heartfelt entry with all of us.
from panjandrum :
As I was reading today's entry the song 'I never dreamed you'd leave in summer' by Stevie Wonder came on my MP3 player. By the end of the song and coincidentally the end of the entry I was in tears. Maggie was a good dog. You have my condolences.
from dreamies :
I know I did write yesterday, but today I wanted to say you are in my thoughts. Like all others have said, the picture you took is a good symbol with her collar in the window with the sun setting. Her life was a long and happy one, and she will be better now. No more sickness for poor Maggie. I can say that this entry forced me to go and hug my dog, you are stronger than I would be Uncle Bob. Just be rest assured Maggie is in a better place and will always be around you in your heart and your thoughts. Bright Blessings to you, Susie and Andrew.
from celtickatt :
Ok. I know I wrote a note yesterday too, but I wanted to note again saying I admire your strength. Along with yesterday, I again today was in tears. I dread the day my dogs world has to end. I'm very sorry about Maggie. I am, however, glad you are dealing with it as well as you are. Just remember that she is in a better place and knows you love her. Love & light to you, Susie, and Andrew. -Shannon
from madamrex :
Blessings to you and yours Uncle Bob... your entry today brought up many memories from when I had to have my dear cat put to sleep in December (especially because I kept his collar too), so I am typing this through tears. But you made the right decision. I'm sorry for your loss.
from cassiopeia- :
Usually I cry when reading your diary from laughing too hard. I began crying right away, from the sadness of a life ending. Then you posted that photo and sent me right over the edge. Thank you for sharing this story.
from rekhodiah :
That picture is extremely profound and just about sums up the entire experience...
from jaspieuk :
Your diary made me cry, something which doesn't happen very often when reading other people's entries. I hope that your pain at losing your old companion fades and that you can focus on happy memories. And aren't kids wonderfully, and refreshingly, pragmatic? All the best. xxxx
from light-switch :
i'm so sorry that your family had to go through that. but i'm sure you know you did the right thing. no animal deserves to be in that much pain, and you were suffering just as much watching maggie go through it. mental hugs to you.
from paxil-addict :
WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! That was so sad...sniff. A co-worker had to put her dog to sleep last Monday & she had that dog for 14 years. That is onw of the hardest thing to go through: am i making the right choice? What if they get better? Should I be selfish & just wait & see what happens? But from what I have read about Maggie, & I have been reading your journal for over a year, it was time. They always say you know when it's time. Peace.
from ieatcheerios :
Your entry was very touching and brought tears to my eyes. Im sorry for yours and your families loss. Thank you for being such a great writer and sharing your life with us all.
from sumi37 :
I'm so sorry to read about Maggie. Funny how I'm crying right now over a dog I never knew. Thanks for sharing her with us. - anna
from cianne :
altho' i'm just another semi-anonymous name on the list, i feel like i have to let you know how sorry i am for you. if you believed maggie was suffering, then you did the best thing you could do for her.
from donnaleecr :
Hello, I know what you are going through with your dog. I found a lump on the chest wall of our Golden Retriever, the vet. told us she had breast cancer. X-rays were performed and the vets concluded that the cancer was encapsulated (had not spred). They performed a mastectomy. I was told she would need a couple of months of chemotherapy, that she would do very well. Well, two weeks after the surgery we found out it had spred to her lungs. She was misserable and suffering. We were heartbroken. So, Halloween night at 11:45pm we found an emergency vet. to release her from her missery and pain. You know my mom told me something when I was very young, it still holds true to this day. When you have to make a tough decision, the hard decision, not the easy one, is usually the right decision. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. Sincerely, Donna
from chromemm :
You're a good man UB and you're doing the right thing. You have my condolences.
from clauren :
I am sorry to hear about your beloved Maggie. What you did was couragous and you gave Maggie the best loved ever. I know that you are going to miss her. I lost my dog Cinnamon last year and this past November I lost my late beloved companion, Mitten, A tabby orange cat. I had Mitten for 20 years. She in fact celebrated her 20th birthday two weeks before we found out she had cancer. I am so glad that she didn't suffer much. I think she deserve more and so did Maggie. YOu are going to miss her. I miss Mitten. Even now. I know I sound like a dork but somedays I just feel so lost because she has been a part of me since I was 7 years old. I used to go out to the garage where she slept at night and call out for her only to realize that she isn't there. I don't do that but I miss those times when I get home from work and she lay next to me. Stuff like that. My heart goes out to your family during this time. Maggie may be a pet but she was family.....
from sufferours :
Sorry to hear about your dog...I've had to do that. Horrible thing. You're taking it well. Glad to see it.
from smushy :
Your entry made me cry today as I just went through the same thing with my best friend and her dog. You definitly did the right thing.. it's not fair for a dog to be in pain and although there is no doubt in my mind that you will miss him/her you did the right thing. ((hugs)) Take care.
from genibee :
Thanks, Uncle Bob, for having the guts to let her die with dignity and peace. It's the last act of love we can show them.
from greenwitch :
You are doing the right thing for your beloved pet. When you take the responsibility for another life as you do with a pet you also, in a way take resposibility for their death. When animals are too sick in the wild predators take care of the end and it is mercy. You are doing the merciful thing. I know exactly how much it hurts, I put two cats to sleep and cried my eyes out both times. It hurts to make the decision but it hurts the animal more to go on in physical pain. Cry alot. Hug your son. Cry some more. I hope this helps a little.....
from lucylee :
We had a 15 year old cat with tumors. 2 surgerys and after the 2nd one we said "No more." He got to the place where he was having trouble breathing again. we did the only thing that we could for him. I about killed us, but we knew it was time and he did too as much as an animal can know these things. Peace to you for doing the good and right thing.
from lilhippy :
Hey, I've been following your diary for a while and I'm really sorry about you losing your dog. *hugs* I had to put down mine a couple years ago and it's really hard, but it's for the better, no matter what a bunch of crackheads who obviously never owned a dog say. Heh that probbly doesn't mean a lot coming from a complete stranger but I hope it helps a little. Happiness forever, lilhippy
from lil-stoner :
hi ive been reading ur diary for only a few weeks now but i just wanted to let u know im really sorry. i know how it feels to let something like that go. i mean my dog is getting older as we speak and it tears me up inside knowing that one of these days shes either not going to wake up or just need to be put to sleep. i do not think what ur doing is bad at all. its better that way actually. put it out of its missery. its better to have her put to sleep than to let her live and suffer. i just wanted to tell u that and im very truely sorry.
from carebearrave :
im sorry :{. we all know how much mags meant to you. we're praying for you.
from heathir31 :
Oh Uncle Bob, I cried when I read your entry this morning. I'm so sorry about Maggie. You can see the love on her face in the pic. Remember the love and please take care of yourself. {{{hugs}}}
from haloaskew :
Uncle Bob, I'm so sorry for your loss. Wherever Maggie is right now, she's no longer in pain and I'm sure she's smiling down on you in blessed relief. I know how difficult this has been for you, but you did the right thing. My best to you and your family. *Hugs* Halo Askew
from celtickatt :
You're doing the right thing, truly. And we are all proud of you for being so strong. It's hard enough to even read today's entry without tears building. Love & light -Shannon
from claudette :
You should not feel bad for taking Maggie in. It is the best thing to do. It hurts to see an animal in pain and it's really better this way. I know it's easy to say that and really hard to feel that way. Our animals are a part of our family, but what you're doing is the best thing. I wish you all the luck in dealing with it, but I don't think you should feel guilty. Well, you're going to feel guilty, but it is the best thing for her.
from carlac :
Unclebob. You did the right thing. You did the hardest thing in the world and it was absolutely right and the only humane thing to do. It is horribly wrong to keep a suffering dog around so that you won't have to start missing them. Once we take an animal into our care, we are entirely responsible for them, for their care, their happiness, and ultimately, their freedom from suffering. I hurt for you. I had to make the same decision several years ago and I feared that I did it too soon. I didn't want to let my dog go. But she was suffering and I had to. It was the worst thing I've ever done and I will stand by that decision always, as you must do. Please know that you did the right thing by not allowing your beloved dog to suffer further. I'm sorry for your loss.
from wonderchai :
Tears in my eyes as I read your entry. *hug* You're doing the right thing. She's your baby, but you want your last memories of her to be more peaceful, and you are easing her pain. God bless you. *hugs*
from waterfall2 :
Uncle Bob.. I'm so sorry. I love my dogs too. And if any of my dogs where in what your dog conditon was.. I would.. out of love.. put her to sleep too. People that don't love thier dogs like we do..don't understand. Just think.. no more pain. This may sound silly ..but..I believe that God keeps are special pets the ones that meant most to us.. waiting . ... waiting to greet us.. when we finally go home.. Our real home....Christina
from lorisor :
You are so doing the right thing. Take it from me, I've put down dogs (some dogs I only knew for a few days!)and it is the positively hardest thing a human can do. We play GOD with these animals lives, but thank GOD that we can end their pain and suffering before it becomes unbearable for them (and us)to endure. May you find some peace today in your decision to do the only thing you can to help your four legged soul mate on to her next journey.
from lorisor :
You are so doing the right thing. Take it from me, I've put down dogs (some dogs I only knew for a few days!)and it is the positively hardest thing a human can do. We play GOD with these animals lives, but thank GOD that we can end their pain and suffering before it becomes unbearable for them (and us)to endure. May you find some peace today in your decision to do the only thing you can to help your four legged soul mate on to her next journey.
from ladyirony :
Ohh, Uncle Bob... that just breaks my heart. :( I'm sorry, but I *do* understand... if the dog is suffering, then what else can you do? :( *hugs* My thoughts and prayers are with you today... losing an animal absolutely *sucks*. ;.;
from flippie :
:( I know how hard this is for you, but you are truly doing the right thing. She won't have to suffer anymore.
from somatic :
I've been browsing through all of the messages of support - at last count, there are over 30 on your message board and over 40 here. I just wanted to add my hugs to the bunch - to show you that you have an enormous blanket of people who care, understand, and support you.
from karenpuppy :
From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry about Maggie. Just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers today, UB.
from boynurse :
I'm so, so sorry. I know what you mean about not wanting her to be in pain anymore. My parents let our dog die naturally (she had cancer) but I wished they would have put her to sleep sooner, just to spare her all that pain. I'm sure you'll still get protests from self-righteous, insensitive people, but I think you're doing the right thing. Take care.
from rekhodiah :
I'm just one more voice of comfort, UB, but I'm raising it anyway. You're doing the right thing, hard as it is. All the best to you, Susie, and little Andy.
from seemedance :
I'm so sorry about your dog Uncle Bob, please know my thoughts are with you and I hope that this doesn't cloud your memories of all the wonderful memories you've shared with your beautiful puppy. Millions of people would have given up long before you did, and that you kept her in your home this long is a sign of what a great person you are. Don't let these crazy people tell you you're wrong, you are absolutly right in this decision. I'm very sorry for your loss.
from jendra :
One of the hardest things about being a good pet owner is putting an old, suffering pet to sleep. You're doing her a favour. Imagine how good she'll feel being released from pain. I think dogs go to Heaven. What kind of paradise would it be without pets? But I'm sorry for your loss. We all know that despite the jokes, you really loved that dog.
from tuff517 :
I'm very sorry to hear about Maggie. I think you made the best decision you could for her.
from how-i-lie :
I know it's an awful decision, I was there twice with my cats. And I understand that sometimes if you love your pets, you have to give them some peace. Maggie would much rather you did this out of compassion rather than leave her to suffer. I feel for you. Lola x
from tygerchild :
UB, You are doing the right thing, believe me. Maggie knows it, too. Good wishes to you and Sue and Andrew.
from lost-prophet :
OMG ur dog is sooo lush. i feel so sorry 4 u havin 2 make that decision but from wot uve sed it sounds like the rite thing 2 do. ignore ne1 hoo sez different. god bless her soul. rest in peace magie xx
from lindsay-poo :
I'm very sorry that you have to put Maggie down today. I know how much she means to you. I just want you to know that I think you're doing what is best for her at this point. It's really hard to watch the one you love, suffer as she has been. I know you've given her as much love as you possible could throughout her life and I think she will love you even more for helping her through her pain and suffering. She will never hate you for your decision and she will feel so much better once she takes her walk over the rainbow bridge, where she will remain happy and healthy, until the day you two are reunited. I'm sorry that this is so hard for you, but I understand and I support you on your decision.
from ncrebel21 :
I am terribly sorry for your loss. *hugs*
from llamacran :
You're definitely doing the right thing. I'm sure all your readers know that all jokes aside, you really do love Maggie and hate having to do this. You're a good guy, Uncle Bob.
from artist7 :
Hey Bob, so sorry about Maggie. It's a shame they don't live as long as us. I don't know what I'll do when I lose my two little guys. You are right though, it is her time. Take care, artist7 aka tracy pierce
from ljt1 :
You're doing the right thing ... the only thing. Our pets trust us to take care of them and do what's best for them. You're doing it. This may be the hardest thing you've ever done but you're doing it for the right reasons and with love in your heart. And that's all that matters. You and your Maggie will be in my prayers.
from eggerbug :
You are definitely doing the right thing. I have been a veterinary assistant for 3 years and I understand exactly what you're going through. Animals get to the point where it's absolutely necessary to do the right thing and help them along a little. No animal should have to live in pain, and I'm sure Maggie is thanking you for looking past what you want - to have her around to love you - and giving her peace. Well done, Uncle Bob. This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to see people come to, and you did the right thing.
from krenan :
I think showing your dog the selfless compassion you are today is a heartfull, loving thing to do. Uncle Bob, she has depended on you her whole life to keep her safe and loved and that you've done. Rest easy with your decision, its the right thing to do.
from cassiopeia- :
You have gone above and beyond for your puppy and she knows it. It would actually be selfish to keep an animal who is in pain suffering. Maggie knows you love her, and you are doing the best thing for her. We include you in our prayers today. {{{Hugs}}}
from whatswhat :
Uncle Bob, I think you are doing the right thing for Maggie. You are right, it will be one of the hardest things you will have to do. I had to put my German Shephard "Hershey" down and I laid on the floor with her until she was gone. I was 30 at the time and had my MOMMY go with me....My thoughts are with you.
from habitualgirl :
I'm so very sorry for what you had to do today. As I look at my two dogs, there are tears running down my face. I understand that it is one of the hardest things we pet owners have to deal with. Your decision is the most loving thing you can do for her now. She'll be grateful to you. Take care and know that the majority of people will understand and grieve with and for you.
from manda-d :
I think you're doing the right thing for Maggie. It wouldn't be right to let her suffer any longer. I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to lose a pet.
from robin-smith :
I'm so sorry.
from cestelle :
Take care, Uncle Bob. You're right, you will never have to make such a hard decision as you just have. My heart is with you and your family - you're losing a member and don't let anyone tell you different. Maggie was obviously a much-loved girl and it is actually easy to see how much you will miss her. What else is there to say - the pain will ease with time but there will always be a small hole that only Maggie could occupy. In sympathy, Cestelle
from dreamies :
*hugs* My thoughts are with you today.
from lovely-freak :
you are doing the right thing for "mags". she will no longer be in pain. we had to put our 11 year old dog "fish" to sleep 3 weeks ago. he had cancer and it was horrible. it was very very hard and i'm sorry for your loss. we had fish cremated and are going to bury him alongside "maggie" our 13 year old dog who died of natural causes in december of 02. they will be buried together in the backyard and it will be nice for us and them. maybe you should do something like that?... just a suggestion. my heart goes out to you...
from peytonsplace :
I'm sitting here in tears at my desk, feeling your pain. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but I know you have done all that is humanly possible to love and care for Maggie. To let her suffer is not humane, to let her rest in peace, is. I'll be thinking about you today.
from redzingerbee :
oh, man. i am so, so, incredibly sorry about maggie. anyone who has ever had a dog before, or any animal for that matter, knows how hard it is to see them suffer. my heart goes out to you today. no matter what anyone else says, you ARE doing the right thing for both you and maggie. be strong!
from secretchild :
Dear Uncle Bob, Putting my cat to sleep was the hardest decision I've ever made, and I've made some hard ones. I'm thinking of you today. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our beloved pets is let them go when it's their time, no matter how hard it is for us. *pats Maggie on the head* She's a beautiful girl. I'm glad she had such a great dad. Love, Emma
from antipop2u :
::sniff:: I lost my rabbit almost 4 years ago. That was the longest I'd ever had a pet, and he was my baby so I so empathize right now. As cheesy and cliche as this is gonna sound (and believe me when I say I'm letting my writing major down here), my King Arthur Bean will look out for Maggie.
from jyspike :
It's not a horrible thing to do, but it is a horrible thing to HAVE to do. But it's also a brave and necessary and loving thing to do, and the right thing to do - I am so deeply sorry for your loss.
from helderheid :
I am _so_ sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you today. You don't need me to tell you this but I will anyway - you're doing the kindest thing you can by helping her die. It's the right thing.
from cant-escape :
We went through this with my neighbour's dog last year... she had been a part of our lives for as long as I can remember (I'm only 18) and as hard as it was for me, it was harder for my neighbours. They did, however, carry on, and this week they're getting a new dog. I wish you the best of luck with dealing with this...
from dasauce :
I am so sorry. I have done it with a number of pets, and it is never easy. Know that you are doing something that allows both of you more dignity--Best Bob, Rick
from lizard2333 :
I hope "a Dog's Prayer" by Beth Norman Harris will lift your spirits some today... Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart of me. Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do. Speak to me often, for your voice is the world's sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear. When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory than the privelege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would rather follow through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I your devoted worshiper. Keep my pan filled with fresh water, for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, than I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger. And, beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather, hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me merciful boom of eternal rest-and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands. Love, Maggie
from ursamajor :
my heart goes out to you...
from mrsohio :
You poor, poor thing. You have my deepest sympathies. Holly Grimm Cincinnati, OH
from andelda :
It was so hard taking my dog to the vet to get the "Green Dream", but I know I had to do it. He was just so lonely without our other dog (who died a couple of months before him. She was chucking up stomach acid, so I feel for you) and his body was just shutting down. I don't think you're horrible.
from mickey225 :
*hugs* You are doing the right thing. I went through the same thing 9 years ago with my cat. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
from adobogirl :
*huG*
from rekhodiah :
God wasn't asleep, He was showing you it's perfectly okay to ruffle feathers in church. Jesus did it, and now so can you. Kinda makes you feel good, doesn't it? :)
from diarylandiva :
Wait, wait, wait...Sorority Life is STILL on MTV? When? I am ashamed I haven't been watching it...
from helderheid :
It may be all about public perception. I too live in a city where alcohol cannot be purchased on Sunday. There is no lottery here either. Things are changing though because the few radicals willing to stand up for what they really believe. I have no problem with you not wanting to hire her because her sermons suck. I have a problem that it's because she's lacking a penis (excluding the use of hubby's). Fortunately, it doesn't matter one wit what I think of it. ;)
from kenjigrl :
Ya know, I dunno what's sadder -- that MTV made a spin off of Sorority Life, or that I went to h.s. with the prez on SL2
from notquiteme :
I love reading your diary. I've searched far and wide throughout diaryland, and have found only a few that have REALLY made me laugh. Yours was one of them :).
from trasker :
three things 1: swastika tattooed ass? Hello, fellow Oz watcher! 2: The businessmen put out more when you kind of swirl your tongue around the outer edge of the nipple, then use your teeth to pull off this pinch-bite move.. you know, in case you ever have to go back to the mean streets. 3: college kids aren't that smart. And the ones that do the readings are the boring ones. Trust me on this. I don't do any readings and i'm goddamn riveting. Don't feel badly, you're awesome. Except for that bird thing. That was just cruel, dude.
from star-rizzo :
Your diary is the bomb. You rock sox. You are my god. Nuff said. ROCK ON!!!
from damodred :
you are so lucky that you aren't catholic then, their sermons can last for up to 30 mins.
from celtickatt :
As always, you keep me laughing my ass off. I must say though, today you topped it with a simple, "This space for rent." Too fucking funny! -Shannon
from patrician :
I have to say that up until now i was in rather a somber mood - you're a funny guy :) Very entertaining... and i would call to hear some of Uncle Bob's phone sex. Hehehe. Ciao
from cmkern3 :
I took my daughter to see "Tarzan" when she was 2 and a few months - she loved it and actually made it most of the way through the movie before she started getting antsy. do it! And I'm sure it won't matter that Andrew hasn't seen the 1st one.
from alteridem :
good lord man, you are a GOD in my eyes. This note may seem odd, as I will be flashing back to past entries since I just stumbled upon your helm of wonderous works. Anyway- anyone who writes notes on here to criticize (especially when they can't even spell) are only doing so because they simply cannot accept the fact that you truly exist; a god such as yourself is hard to fathom and to hear what you have to say, confirming your existance, only makes he or she relish the fact they do not compare to you. As for "giggles mcgiggly", I found this entry to be hillarious because I constantly find myself giving everyone I know nicknames that contain "mc" ie: fasty Mcstrongarm, quickyMcquickerson..etc..anyway, this has gotten long. keep up the good work. Love you man! ~Alexx
from bree914 :
Wow. Looks like I wont be the first to sign this. What I'm want to say would sound repetive and perhaps boring for you. So let's spice this up. Your son's a cutie. Nice Ideas by the way, and I like the "suck ass" poems. I'm sitting on my ass (surprised, I know), and my eyes are bloodshot after sitting at this damned screen for over 3 hours. Enjoy! I dont know why the hell I wrote this, but you seem rad man! Hell yea! ..ever think of stand up? keep that in mind.
from seemdiffernt :
jesus! you are hillarious.
from untame-able :
My mother, who has raised 3 kids, including my father, said that yes, 2 years and 3 months is too early.
from saxyjackclar :
I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! Unkey Bob, you are my hero.
from bablmiariver :
Future hubby and I took my 2 1/2 daughter to see Scooby Doo in the summer and she loved it. She sat in awe of the "big tv" and only took one break to go potty and then right back. We let her pick out some treats beforehand and she didn't even touch them because she was so enthralled. And like you said, it's free, so even if he gets fussy I can garuntee a million other parents will be there with their kids as well, worrying about the same thing. It's a kids movie, people expect it. And ya can always just leave. Have fun.
from ladyirony :
Just a theory, but maybe the lower urinal is for people in wheelchairs who can't use the regular one? Just a thought. ^_^;;
from wonderchai :
For taking the wee one to the theater... if you take him later in the evening, he might conk out on you, and give you ALL a chance to sleep. :) That's my suggestion. Oh, and no candy. It'll just... aggravate... the situation. Good luck! :)
from darcyn77 :
Hey! I just wanted to comment on Michael Jackson. I know I am in the minoruty, but I think you have it dead on. I don't think he's a child molestor. Never have. I think some greedy people found a way to capitalize on his strange friendship with some little boy. Also, I have a two year old who loves to watch TV. I don't think I would take her to a movie in the theater yet, though, because I know she wouldn't sit still. This girl can watch TV all day, but she likes to get up and walk around every once in awhile. But if you guys are willing to leave the theater, I say go. He might surprise you by sitting still and being quiet!
from cruel-irony :
Touche' on the whole Michael Jackson thing. I think even Peter Pan would find him disturbing and wouldn't appreciate the homage ol' Michael gives him. On another note, I think you've got a good plan going for Andrew's debut at the movies.
from dasauce :
That's exactly the deal Bob, you just enjoy half the film and your kid will look back fondly at it and feel PROUD that he went. And you can finish the movie together on DVD in a year or two. You've got the right guesses--so you prolly won't break your kid either. --DatSauceGuy
from krenan :
Uncle Bob, I love you. I'm a little confused. Why do you think a lower urinal is for a midget or dwarf? Maybe the men in your office have extremely long penises and need a lower urinal for comfort. Maybe they make fun of the length challenged men who use the high urinal. Just a thought............
from moviegrrl :
I agree with you totally about Micheal Jackson. There is no way on EARTH that man has ever had sex of any kind. Yes, he's sad strange and deluded, but he is not a monster. Just through I'd tell you you're not alone on this one!
from jennnnnn :
OR a message in my guestbook would be just as good! I mean,.....*sigh* it's my only birthday wish *sigh*
from jennnnnn :
It's my birthday on monday, and all i want is an email from uncle bob *sigh*,.....(wink wink, nudge nudge)
from dasauce :
I just spit up coffee at the moment of truth in the blue ball bit. I've never thanked anyone for making me regurgitate. But thanks. Good laugh, precaffinated, even. --DatSauceGuy
from lovely-freak :
you have been beeped.... http://beepbook.signmyguestbook.com/?a i have to say that i laughed my ass off at your entry today. i have a 1 year old child and we ask him all kinds of questions... he, however, answers in some type of gyberish that i pretend to understand. i think i may be encouraging him to create his own language and he may never speak english! i enjoy your thoughts!
from pischina :
My mom cooked the roast dry too. It wasn't until my great-cooking mexican mother-in-law cooked a roast in a crock pot for me that I discovered the yummy goodness of roast beef. Yum yum yummmmm.... Now I must go get a roast for tonight!
from jyspike :
Hi Uncle Bob So, I'm dying of curiosity.... How did the roast beef thingie turn out?
from death-vibe :
Sorry about your mom and all, but what the hell does that have to do with NASA? I don't think we explore space so that your mom can have a better time in dealing with her medical problems.
from donnaleecr :
Hello, I just wanted to say that I love your diary. Thanks for the smiles and laughter. Your sarcasm and wit are cutting edge. Keep up the great writing. Sincerely, Donna
from witchyred :
You are a Bob among men UB! ;) I have to agree w/you, and the ppl on the boards. Censorship and free speech belong to you, me, whoever write/owns a diary. I personally do not always agree w/some things that others say, so I either skip it, scroll past it, but get over it. Ppl have to stop and think... This is a big world, and if all someone has to do all day is slam total strangers over little or nothing, than their lives are very pathetic indeed. You write quite eloquently, even when you are talking about trained assassins taking out Bjork, and if I could be half as good as you... Well, if I was half as good as you I guess I'd be quite the elite diarist. ;) It is true, you may not be exactly who you say you are, but I still consider you a Bob in my book, and I was thrilled to hear all the excellent reports on Andrew. :) Keep up the good work! And never take shit from anyone if you don't have to. Rock on UB!! :)
from dead-star :
Damn straight on the "national tragedy". I agree with you completely.
from ass-licker :
WHY must people insist on ruining things for others around them. I enjoy reading UB each morning, it is the first thing I do. I want to continue to read the same shit I have come to know and love. STOP trying to censor the damn guy. Obviously when you write a diary, you put what YOU want in it. Stop being so damned literal, take a joke, and scroll past what you don't like. That is, if you can see the screen out of your own ass. I swear to god, if any of you screw up the kinds of UB entries that I enjoy to read, I will hunt you all down, put you on a spaceship MY-FUCKING-SELF and blow you all up.
from cmkern3 :
Wow..I've never received a rude message!! How about a few you hop on over and leave me one instead of Uncle Bob!! :o)
from lindsay-poo :
I've been reading your diary for a few weeks now. I enjoy reading about the progress your son has been making and about the funny things you have to say. I don't blame you for censoring out your messages. Some people are just plain rude. If they don't like what you have to say, why do they bother coming to read it. Personally, if someone was upsetting me that badly with their writing, I would simply stop reading it. For shit's sake, these are diaries that are simply open for the public to read. Being a diary, doesn't that give you the right to freedom of speech? DUH! I say, write what you want if it makes you feel better. If they don't like it, they shouldn't read it!
from raversweetie :
seriously? how many people are out there that post a nasty message and then reply to their own message as someone else? because my boyfriend gets comments like that on his webpage just about every week. do these kids sit at home and feel like their dick is big because they can talk shit about something they *chose* to read? oh and don't forget making sure they look even cooler by agreeing with THEMSELVES. gr. people shouldn't be allowed on the internet until they are 21. i swear to god its always going to be the 15 year olds. [ /rant]
from lovely-freak :
by the way... i "beeped" you... http://funland.diaryland.com/
from lovely-freak :
not that you'd care... but i agree with you whole-heartedly on the space shuttle topic... i have read some truly horrific things in the past few months and they are things that our government isn't even talking about... much worse than the space shuttle blowing up and interrupting my nightly dose of cable television....
from helderheid :
Holy shit! Just found your diary. I couldn't possibly have put it better myself (about the shuttle "disaster"). You are a brilliant writer. Wish I could write half as eloquently as you.
from mary-poppins :
You're right.. Swappingtons is a damn good site. And about the "tragedy".. couldn't agree with yoo more. I heard they're selling pieces of it on e-bay.
from icecreamdork :
NOTE: I am not defending the people of the news, or the president, because i really couldn't care less about the people of the news or the president. Now that that's clear, the space ship crash is labeled a <b>National Tragedy</b> because they take the United States tax payers money to fund something they think is worthy. They being the government we all know and loathe. Whatever they put money into is supposed to show nothing but progress and good news <u>to the public</u>. Being that people were seeing toxic waste fall from the sky, the public knew. Go figure. And now that we know the meaning of National Tragedy, all I want to say is Kudos. That's it. Kudos.
from redhott27 :
Sing it, sister! Finally, someone who thinks the same way I do... ahhh...
from dichroic :
Feel free to avoid my diary then. I still believe that if we don't continue with exploration we're only half-human (though I wil agree if pressed that repeated trips into low earth orbit are a fairly half-assed version of "exploration"). If you want to move it back to earth, though, I can make a fairly strong case that the gains from NASA's research far outweigh the money spent on space programs. The miniturization that lets you have a computer on your desk? NASA. Remote monitoring of hospital patients? NASA. Superstrong materials used in airplanes and everything else these days? NASA. Microwave ovens? NASA. Velcro? NASA. Miniaturization of almost every kind from palm pilots to pacemakes? Guess who.
from thundersnow :
well, Unclebob, I never thought I'd hear myself say this ;o) but I totally agree with you about the shuttle disaster. But what the hey....the Bushwhacker probably just misspoke himself. Not a tragedy, George. It was a National TRAVESTY...tsk!tsk!
from cistine :
What's NASA done for you? Try pacemakers. Bar codes. Smoke detectors. Emergency blankets. Cordless screwdrivers. Current quartz timing in wristwatches. The dustbuster. Fireproof materials. Water filters. CAT scans.
from tara1665 :
Hey Bob, Just a note to say I agree with you about the shuttle. Dammit the thing blew up pretty much over my fucking house! I was awaken saturday morning with the house shaking and ratteling and the kids freaking out. Luckily <or unluckily for others> the debris kept going to the east. Thank for for the laws of physics , that if your going really fast , the thing that comes apart from you goes even faster and farther, so that the kids and I didnt walk outside and find body parts or shuttle all over our lawn.
from mizerychick :
Nice entry on NASA. It made it to my favorites, and that's saying a lot
from beesly :
This is possibly the most wacked out entry you've ever written! What do you mean "Or hiring highly-trained assassins to take out Bjork once and for all." That's crazy, man. Crazy.
from habitualgirl :
As I'm relatively new to DL (about a month or so) I hadn't read this letter to Andrew yet. I just did, and now I'm crying- thanks. However, I just wanted to say that you really seem to be living up to your promise of providing him with an excellent life. I start out everyday reading your journal, and usually laughing hysterically, but today I couldn't help but getting excited about the word "juice". Congrats to you guys and thanks for continuing to write!
from marsist :
dude... I was expecting you to mention the space shuttle crashing... well, then again, you are a HUMOR writer, so maybe not...
from mymys :
Hey, I literally was falling of my chair reading your entry on Andrew and "flo", Come take a look at my diary and keep writing
from mymys :
Hey,
from amberfalls :
My friend winehunter reads your diary, so that's one of the reasons I started reading too. But, she's moved. She is now at thegrapevine. I think she still wants to be part of the army.
from redzingerbee :
yay! so glad to hear the good news about andrew! your '65 mustang example reminded me of this 2.5 year old i know who will ramble on and on about any and everything, gesturing and inflecting, and it's like he's the ceo of some huge corporation launching a new line of tonka trucks or something.... it's amazing. can't understand a word he says sometimes, but he gets the general idea across. in other words, babbling is good. :) [sidebar: water with a t made me cry. nice going, ub. ;)]
from moviegrrl :
really pleased that Andrew's tests came back so well, a big weight of your minds I'm sure. Big hugs to the little guy (oh alright and you too!)
from pattypat :
YAY! So happy for you and Andrew. We went through the same thing with our son. Life is good! Pattypat http://members.diaryland.com/edit/profile.phtml?user=pattypat
from frootloops69 :
hey your little boy is soooo cute! Cutie pa tootie! hehe cute! anyway... just wanted to say your diary mad me laugh my ass off! you are too funny. hehe.. Tara
from cianne :
poor uncle bob, the maggie decision is tough to make. it sounds like she's in rough shape. if you think she's suffering, it's best to let her go.
from mrsohio :
Hi there.... Regarding Maggie, you stated in your note on Monday that your wife doesn't want to have the dog put to sleep until she is really suffering. I think if I were vomiting black gunk and dripping blood all over the house, I'd be suffering. I mean, I have a dog and a horse and I love them to death and would be devastated if anything happened to them....for a few days. However, I also don't want to see them vomiting up their insides. It is obvious that this dog is suffering. Please put her out of her misery. Luv ya!
from chromemm :
I know you and me don't talk much and I know you don't read me and I'm not exactly in a position to give advice or anything. That's a hell of a lot of ands. Anyways I say fuck it not everyone is going to understand simple basic concepts like "its your diary" or money is tight and the dog has lived a very long life. Personaly I can't blame you for wanting to put Maggie down and I think it's the right thing to do. And the bullshit that you are not taking "responsibility" for a dog you have been taking care for thirteen years. Jesus the dog is fucking old it's obviously going to die and is just not the same dog it used to be. She may seem like she's not suffering, but I think she obviously is. Sorry for the long ass note.
from madamrex :
Uncle Bob... Look, I love animals more than I love most people in this world. I can watch movies where people shot each others' brains out and feast on the goo and I won't bat an eye. But if an animal gets hurt I lose my shit. So I'm not some heartless bitch, just so ya know. That being said, I think you should take Maggie to the vet and end her life. Be there with her when you do it. Hold her on your lap and pet her and tell her she's a good dog as you do it. It will be hard, but do it. It's the right thing to do; don't let her suffer. I just had to have my cat put to sleep - he was only 6 years old, but he had cancer (he was puking up black stuff all over our house too). I cried for three days and I miss him a lot. But it was the right thing to do. I had his remains cremated and put in an urn that I will probably bury in our backyard when the spring comes. Good luck to you, and your family, with this and with everything. =)
from lovethegood :
Dear Uncle Bob, You know what? Those people are complete ass's! although I am sure that it is hard not to be bothered by comments like that please don't be. You have tons of other readers like me who understand that this is your mofoing journal and you can talk about whatever the hell you please. In my opinion you already go above and beyond sometimes to cater to your readers. Also, I am sure that everyone who does read you does so because you are funny as hell and for me at least you always brighten my day. I am so pissed off that those tools said that to you. You "rawk" and you know it(: -Carrie P.S. Good luck with your dog. That is a really tough decision to make and I am sure that whatever you decide will be best. Here is my 2 cents on that subject though. If it was my dog I would have her put to sleep. I am one of the most compassionate people that you will ever meet but it sounds like she will probably die soon anyway and since she only keeps getting worse it seems like even if you get her fixed now she will get worse again very soon. Maybe they can just give her some medicine for her last couple of days at home or something. Then you guys could just give her a ton of love and attention had she can go out of this world pain-free and happy...I don't know, just a thought (: Good luck again. And your mother and family are in my prayers.
from jendra :
Sounds like the guy overseas has sour grapes because HE can't use swapingtons.
from poked2x :
UncleBob, if those people are so terribly upset about what you write in YOUR diary, why the hell do they have to read it? That cracksmoker from overseas doesn't want to hear about how totally awesome swappingtons is everyday, can't they just scroll down or stay off your page altogether? URG. Some people.
from ass-licker :
Oxy Clean man. Oxy Clean. That shit will get anything out. My girl-friend spilled an entire glass of chocolate milk on my tan carpet the other day, and after I was finished slapping her around Oxy Clean ripped that sucker of a stain right out. It also works with greese. Black dog vimit is probably a bunch worse than chocolate milk and greese, but it took those stains out easily enough. Try it and see.
from haloaskew :
So sorry to hear about Maggie. We used to have 13 cats and a dog when I was a kid, and only 3 of the original 13 cats are left, so I hear ya, man. She'll soon be without pain, so please take comfort in that. On the lighter side,I'm a Dave Barry fan myself and I think you're a thousand times funnier. You're like a Hard Core Dave Barry, which is quite cool. My sis-in-law hooked me onto your diary and when we see each other we talk about your entries the way other people talk about sitcoms. You be funny! And no, I also don't believe your son is autistic. Criminey! He's *your* progeny -- you'll never be able to shut him up once he gets going! ;) Hang in there, kiddo, and best wishes, Halo Askew
from damodred :
we had to put our dog to sleep about 3 years ago. it was really hard, we had her for 12 years. she was blind and was getting confused and we think she had arthritis because she was shaking alot (from pain we think). hardest thing we ever did, but it's better to put them down and remember that they had a good quality of life.
from wonderchai :
I hear you. Doggies love you always, even when they aren't there to show it.
from celtickatt :
I'm sorry about Maggie, I understand how hard it is. I dread the day I have to let go of "Giz"mo. Having them for so long just makes them one of your children. Best wishes... - Shannon
from naomibeth :
Let her go, man. If it helps, you can tell yourself that All Dogs go to Heaven and she'll be waiting for you.
from romancoat :
Okay, if your vet is going to charge you that much for a checkup... you should probably have a different vet. But I know what you mean - I have a cat, and most vets here seem to think that if a cat is sick, it must have distemper. But yeah, it's depressing to say goodbye. But after taking care of her and having her love you and all that, the one last great thing you can do for her is give her a good death.
from cmkern3 :
Alright already with the Swappingtons - we get it! :o) You should go into sales!!
from amberfalls :
I'm sure you're getting a lot of sympathy notes today, so here's another one. I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. When you have a pet that long, they are a part of the family. Take care. -A-
from kitty2112 :
Damn unclebob! Sorry to hear about Maggie. That sucks ass. We're in the same boat as you right now. My boyfriends dog Keisha has cancer, and while she's not miserable at the moment, you can tell it's starting to bother her. Best of wishes to you guys.
from miss-edith :
Are your sure that the recipe called for Tablespoons and not Teaspoons? Because it might have worked with teaspoons. Maybe they were smoking crack when they wrote the recipe down. I have cooked some similar-sounding dishes, and none of them called for such massive amounts of spices. 3T garlic powder is just insane.
from kitty2112 :
ROTFLMFAO!!!! Can you get any funnier?!? That's all I can really type cause I'm crying. Thank God you're around to brighten up our days!
from mary-poppins :
Hullo.. Just dropping in a note to tell yoo yoo are absolutely hilarious. =)
from recover-me :
I know this is a few days late, but I just now read the whole Andrew being autistic thing. By what you said, it doesn't sound like he's autistic (my friend's brother is). It does, however, sound like my brother when he was little. He was diagnosed with dyslexia and ADD. dyslexia can cause them to have a speech problem, he was in speech therapy for 3 years. I'd say the first thing to do would be to start making him say the words. It really does more harm than good as we found out. I hope everything turns out well, and you might check out the dyslexic thing.
from ashlee06 :
i just thought i should let you know your hilarious. i always read your diary when im ina shitty mood and you make me laugh.. o ya and i signed up at swappingtons and put 'Bob' down.. Thanks.
from cmkern3 :
Oh my - every last thing you expressed about R. Kelly I agree to the very last drop. I could never have expressed my hatred of him the way you - so poetically, so beautiful, so perfectly spoken - so thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
from tara1665 :
Did you know that R Kelly is writing a CHILDRENS book? Now how fucked up is that? On another note.... Big fan here and your entries always lighten my day, so Thank you. Tara
from thecritic :
Hey I think Frederique is the mole too 'cause that stupid sub was called Das Mole and i think das might be a the in her native language... and as for the winner.. they're all kind of B list actors and stuff so even the winners are losers bwahaha
from schoonie :
Dude, Frederique is totally the mole. That bitch has messed up every game since the beginning of the show...just watch...its either her, or Trista. Or the Veggie Tale that looks like a big pepper. We'll have to wait and see.
from ree :
*stares randomly* A married couple having the same birthday isn't that weird. My mom and dad have the same birthday. I'm being told I can't say who is older than who by one year, but take a guess. It's why my mom's sister and my dad's Army buddy, who are married to each other, initially set up my folks. Incidently, the church bulletin always handled it by listing one's birthday, then the other, never together.
from cassiopeia- :
My nephew has scarlet fever which started as strep. If anyone breaks out in a rash, beware. I was wondering if you will be autographing the items you have on swappingtons?
from marsist :
sorry about your mom...mine was much the same...smoked, drank, was passively suicidal. what killed her? breast cancer from a hormone medication-- talk about reasons to distrust doctors...anyway, it's always a pisser even if you've resigned yourself to it. I made a mix CD when my mom died; lots of sappy and angry stuff. want a copy?
from cianne :
keep your sense of humour, uncle bob, and my fingers are crossed for the results of andrew's autism test.
from tinare :
Hey, I love your stuff! You crack me up. A local guy here in OKC,OK had a link about your Byork rant and it had me cracking up. I've been reading since and started my own diary last week. As I read your entry about your Mom, I was fixed on it and have to say how much I can relate. Everyone has there own thing and can't walk in your steps but it is strange how similar your mom seems to mine. With the glaring exception that my mom is no longer living. She passed in Sept 2002 at 60. She has been drinking up until she was hospitialized, never a mean drunk but she did rely on the 4 or 5 beers a day and contiinued to smoke even after cancer rang her bell and the doctors had to remove her entire left lung in 89. I love her so much and don't want to preach to you so I won't. I feel like you do about letting her do what she wants. My mom spent her entire life rasing kids and she put up with lots of crap. After fighting cancer and other illness's she too grew to hate doctors and I couldn't make her see a Doc until she couldn't walk to the bathroom without falling. I truly believe 60 is too you to die, but she was ready to let go and after 2 weeks she did. I wish I could be mad at her or blame her, but I can't. So I am glad I was there for her, (here comes the preaching part) No matter how much she makes you want to pull you hair out and scream.... just be there. I don't know your real family situation but I know it's hard to sit back and watch our parents do things that make our heads hurt and blood boil. I am so sorry to hear about your mom and I hope all goes well with your son. When it rains it pours, right? Just take deep breaths and be there for her. She may not act like she needs you but she does. However you can be, if not in person on on the phone or any way you can. I'll shut up now. Take Care Tina in OKC
from bitchorama :
Uncle Bob, my heart goes out to you (RE: your mom) and I am being honest, honest, honest when I say that I really don't think Andrew is autistic. From what I've read, and to me this is the biggest indication, he sounds like such a sociable child and while he might not be able to articulate it, *gets* what y'all are saying and doing, which is huge. He sounds so much like my cousin, who also had that crazy ear stuff going on and I swear to God, we couldn't understand *anything* out of his mouth til he was about 5 years old. He is now excelling in school, so much so that we are shocked at how "nerdy" he is! I promise it will work out no matter what, mainly because you and Mrs. Bob have good heads on your shoulders and can handle what life pitches at you. And, above all: you are not Corey Feldman.
from jasmine-s :
I'm very sorry about your mother. Thinking of you, Kind regards, jasmine.
from lisa-e :
Hi Uncle Bob! I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I know what a frustrating and helpless position you are in, and it sucks. Actually, reading everything you wrote about your mother made me wonder, are you my brother? Because I swear, that's my mother to a "T". Same age, all the same stats, even same cervical cancer. I imagine my own mother has similar other time bombs ticking away in her body, but she refuses to see a doctor. I hope the doctors are able to do something for your mother. I have had a lot of experience with kids, although I have none of my own, and can add to the list of those saying Andrew will probably be just fine. I've seen several children who discovered the joy of full hearing once tubes were inserted in their ears, and everything else that seemed to just not be happening as it should, fell into place shortly afterward. I signed up for the switch thingie (told 'em Bob sent me), and also, started my very own diary today, thanks to you! Whether or not I will manage to update regularly remains to be seen, but I plan to try. Hang in there, U.B. - Your fan, Lisa E. (aka Green at TWoP)
from amiebea :
Dear Uncle Bob, I have been reading you for a while, but am just now writing a note to you. I am sorry thing in your life are piling up on you like this right now. There is a diary of a woman who's son has autism that I have been reading for a while too. You might find it helpful...and she links to dozens of other resources. Here is the URL:www.hiddenlaughter.com. Anyway, I wanted to write and tell you that I always enjoy reading your diary. I need to get cracking on my own and stop reading so many others! But thanks for keeping up with what your started low so many years ago. You and your family are in my prayers. Oh...Also, here is another link that might help too: http://www.family.org/pplace/newparent/a0020411.cfm
from sintimate :
I signed up yesterday and used you as a referral. I put down "Uncle Bob", though. Let Andrew know or something. Don't let those points go to waste!
from wonderchai :
bob-ling, *hug* my nephew was tested for autism (he didn't talk until he was four) but he was just a late bloomer, I guess, because around his fourth birthday he exploded - talking, laughing, chattering, nearly perfect speech, normal cognition, the whole bit. Not only was he normal, he was smart! So don't worry. it'll all work out in the end. Til then, I'm keeping my cute little fingers crossed. :D
from darcyn77 :
Hey, Uncle Bob! I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about your mother. My grandpa was just told his artery is 90% blocked. He's 87, so he's thinking he probably won't have the surgery. I also wanted to tell yuo htat I have a two year old daughter. She was born Sept. 22, 2000. Up until two weeks ago, she could only say three words. I was really worried about her, because I was sure something was wrong with her. Today, though, she mimics everything I say. She's talking up a storm. Two weeks ago she said "Mama" "bye-bye" and "hello." She was a late developer in everything. Didn't crawl until close to eight months, didn't walk until 14 months. So, my pont is, I'm sure Andrew will be fine. One day he'll just start jabbering. Good luck!
from miss-edith :
I used to teach pre-school (mostly kids around the age of 2), and I remember several kids who, for one reason or another, were slow to develop verbally. These kids often had more advanced visual skills than the other children if you paid attention, but verbal talents are the most obvious, while other talents sometimes are harder to observe in the child at a young age. I would get Andrew tested since you are worried already, but I think the tests are just to clear the air so you know you don't have to worry about that anymore. I'm not a doctor, but I do have a lot of experience with children, and Andrew sounds like a bright, creative boy to me, and it wouldn't surprise me if now that his hearing is corrected, his verbal skills start to take off soon. I think though, that you are right to get him tested just to know for sure.
from jyspike :
Hey Uncle Bob It's easy for me to say, because it's not my son who has a neurology appointment, but don't get too too upset until you have to. Every kid is different, and quite a few of my friends' little boys (but not really the girls, funny, eh?) were slow to speak. My baby brother (who is just about to finish his Ph.D. in biotechnology and get married to a fantastic cool girl) barely spoke a word until he was almost three, and he could hear just fine, unlike Andrew. We figure he just didn't feel like it; then once he did decide he was ready, he was speaking in full sentences in no time. All that time he was acquiring language - but he just hadn't felt like sharing it with us yet. All this to say, I sure hope everything turns out okay - I'm sure it will - but I'll keep my fingers crossed for you anyway. Spike
from jenne1017 :
RE: your mother...She sounds like mine. My mother smoked since she was 15. She had her fist heart attack at the age of 45. Stopped smoking for a day or so, then went back. Had her second heart attack at 48. She quit for a bit, started to eat better (i.e.-not Burger King every day), but went back to the bad eating and smoking again. She had her thrid heart attack at age 52. When she went back to the doctor after for her "After your 3rd heart attack" check-up, she was told she had some kidney failure and went into the hospital. While there, she had a stroke. She is in a home now, at the age of 56 and has been for years. She wore diapers for a long time. She is mentally equal to a 6 year old. She is partially paralized on the right side. But wouldn't yo fucking know it? She remembered to pick up a cancer stick!?! Orderlies got them for her. I don't think she smokes anymore, but I wanted to let you know that I know that things are not *SHOCKING* but they still hurt. And I didn't even get along witht he woman! If you wanna talk, you know where to find me!
from cassiopeia- :
I am puttin money on the doctor! Cassie also has one word for everything: "that". I would dance a jig if she said apple. Okay, if for some reason you are told he has any problems at all, get a second opinion. Did you not hear about the lady who had disfiguring surgery only to learn she did not have breast cancer after all? Just be careful. I am very sorry about your mom. My mom is in the same boat, along with my dad. The smoke is so horrible that the mail they send has to be aired out. Your mom sounds like a strong lady, maybe she will beat the odds. I hope she does! Take care. ~Sandy
from kitty2112 :
Hey there UncleBob! Sorry to hear about your mom. Like you said, even though ya kinda knew it was comming, it still is hard to deal with. It always is. I'm sure Andrew will be fine, but I'll keep you guys in my thoughts.
from moviegrrl :
hey there. Sorry to hear about Andrew, it must be scary. I don't know much about autism,but i do know that Andrew sounds like a happy healthy boy and I also know about friends who's children have tubes in their ears and their speech is WAY behind. It really could just be that. One child my motehr knows, georgia has had tubes for a year now and her speech still isn't quite as good as Siobhan's who's two years younger. That sounded like boasting, which it isn't, but it's just trying to throw some more experience your way. I hope Andrew's ok give him a hug from us. As for yourm om, nothing i can say will make that one any better. Better give yourself a hug from me too....
from clauren :
Hey. Happy belated birthday Uncle BOB....
from wonderchai :
sad birthday! *hug* I fought with my older brother - he's 20, i was 18 - on my birthday. and drove three hundred miles south. it was terrible. I hope things get better. and i understand the evil tongue thing. it's about half my diary. well, when I'm not trying to be evany. sad birthday. hope the days following it are better! :D
from artist7 :
happy b-day uncle bob. you know, you are the second person today that has told me about swappingtons, thanks man. it's a cool little site.
from robin-smith :
Happy birthday, by the way...or at least, my condolences that it wasn't. No worries about DOTD, since I'm a fucking Luddite and don't have a DVD player anyway. Weird about it making you sick...well, any move featuring live zombie lobotomies should inspire a LITTLE nausea I guess, but yeah. Maybe you were trapped in an underground military bunker under siege by the undead in a past life.
from porktornado :
I have learned not to talk while I am pissed off, sorta' like you. People with a sarcastic wit tend to have very acid tongues, and with such power comes great responsibility. My girlfriend hasn't yet learned that lesson about not saying the first thing that comes to mind when you are angry. It is because women, for their lack of a soul, feel no regret for hurting our feelings when they are mad. But they smell good and we love them. And we forgive them and they love us. You still should have had you some birthday sex, though.
from fforest :
Sorry to hear about your crappy birthday. After spending 6 weeks in Eastern Europe, I came home to a similar thing - big fight with the girlfriend on my birthday. It was not fun. ANd this was after going to work and being pissed off by people doing stupid shit all day. I hear ya' UB and feel for ya. I've been there. Just a little support from a regular reader. -- Ash
from cassiopeia- :
Happy Belated Birthday. I have to agree with you...fights should not be public! Sandy
from not-a-bish :
Probably for the hundredth time you've heard it in 24 hours...happy belated birthday, Uncle Bob! Sorry your day at church was kind of craptastic.
from wonderchai :
got you from whatawoman (she is fantasmic) and in turn added you to my links bar. i had no idea men thought about all that. coming from a family of six liberal femme fatales, i had no idea men THOUGHT. ;) thanks for the insight, baby.
from mymys :
you are the greatset, im addicted to your diaries, i have just started my own today, so its not really that great, but you along with mojo-pin78 inspired me to get my own diary, thanx alot
from mango-kiwi :
Hey Unclebob! You are the master of Diaryland. I was a bit disappointed that I wasn't on your favorite diraies list, though... ;) But if you do get a chance, go ahead and read me! I'd be honored
from tinare :
I dig ya! I also ran into your stuff on TV Without Pity the other day. You crack me up.
from crazygal23 :
be careful uncle bob. we dont want you having a heart attack. my dad just had one on christmas day, and he died 4 times in one night. (he was pulled out of it though, and is now okay) but the docs said that shoulder, neck, and back pains are signs of heart attacks, as weird as that sounds. so just be careful!
from cassiopeia- :
I'm glad you won't be going to that gas station again. Won't it be interesting when Bush raises the welfare requirements?
from ryan8-5cut :
you give wood on the third anniversary I am pretty sure. Do you write for TelevisionWithoutPity? I love that site. Stop by my diary if you get a chance. ryan8-5cut.diaryland.com
from chromemm :
Yeah keep up the good work he who once called me "the worst spelling bee contestant ever." heh...ok so I suck at spelling, but I have feelings too.
from tithonus :
Nice of you to link damodred. Good man.
from ikss :
So, I decided to check out your page because...well, I believe it's like the law of Diaryland or something. Well, I'm glad I checked it out. :) Great stuff. I'll be back. And hey, cute kid, too!
from sufferours :
Jesus Christ, I feel sorry for your wife.
from keryanna :
Happy Anniversary :)
from celtickatt :
Happy Anniversary! You really do provide comic relief to our pitiful, diary-addicted lives, and it's cool watching your son, in a way, grow up in front of us too. You will sure as hell me missed when you finally go (which hopefully won't be for a LONG time!) - Shannon
from robin-smith :
You...me...a bottle of Green Nyquil and a tent. Do we have a date?
from madamefromag :
Happy Anniversary! What does one give for a third anniversary? I think its paper or wood or something. Stick around a few more years and maybe you'll make it to silver.
from damodred :
*blinks* i just checked my stats and i have gotten more hits than i get in on day from your diary than i usually get in a week. i'm flabergasted. again, i appreciate more than i can say you using your diary to link to me and to express your concern for my situation. i'm just astonished. wow. if there is anything i can do in return just let me know.
from damodred :
thank you very much for the link. getting more exposure will certainly help with getting more donations. i really appreciate the help. wow, the famous uncle bob is helping me out. :) i feel so special, hehe. *hugs bob*
from z0tl :
get a life, bitch! if dland has 1 mil users and you have 1555 pointing to you, how successful is that, especially when 3333+ point to perceptions? fockin' kitties & flowerz, i shoulda known! but hey, deep down i'm a nice persona jes' like you, i dig ya :) keep it up now, ye hear?
from sparkleyblue :
Hi Uncle Bob- I have been reading your diary for a very long time and feel really close to you. Hee hee... I feel like I'm talking to Russell Crowe or Michael Madsen, I have major fan lust for the Uncle Bob, non? Please put me on your list of new diaries. I am your biggest fan. My husband will never have to know... I'm feeling a little sweaty. I would like to lick your knuckles.
from seemedance :
Thanks for 3 great years Uncle Bob...you are a hero and an inspiration to all sorts of snarky freaks out there.
from high5nmb :
i didn't know you read perceptions too....cool, yo.
from jendra :
Happy Anniversary Uncle Bob!
from robin-smith :
I learned from the master, baby.
from cmkern3 :
Hey! Where's the diarist of the day? :)
from kitty2112 :
Thanks for the note : ) Hope you start feeling better soon - poor thing! My friend Misty and I are completely addicted to your diary. Must get our fix daily - lol....Ahh "A Farewell to Kings", wonderful album, one of my many favs....And the men who hold high places - Must be the ones to start - To mould a new reality - Closer to the Heart....
from galaxia-amc :
Hey u.b:) Just stammbled into your diary today and have just read one of your entries but I'm...awed!!! Amazing stuff, hope you don't mind if I add you to my favs and keep checking back? Big thumbs up!!! Cheers
from marsist :
I got the references! although, does it count if I found out about Tom Waits and Leonard Cohen through Pixies and Frank Black cover versions?...
from scanzilla :
You're funnier than a trunk full of dead hookers.
from cassiopeia- :
LOVED the review, it was funnier than the actual show. Hope you feel better soon! My husband has been guy sick for three weeks.
from seussie :
Hello Uncle Bob! I just stumbled upon your diary a couple of days ago and I'm hooked. Interestingly, I've been an avid TWOP reader for over a year, so I'm excited about your Surreal World recaps as well. Anyhow, I just added you to my favorites. I just wanted to send a bit of fan mail to let you know! Cheers, Shelly
from thecritic :
I blame pretty much everything on Nyquil. I've used that stuff the past few days and there are a few hours here or there that are missing... I think I've been spontaneously passing out or something.
from miralogue :
hi there, u.b. I'm in your army under kateso, but i recently got a new diary, and now my name is miralogue. if you want to keep kateso on, tha'ts fine, because the diary is still accessible, but if you ever wanted to add miralogue, i'd like it. aaaanyway. have a good one.
from miralogue :
hi there, u.b. I'm in your army under kateso, but i recently got a new diary, and now my name is miralogue. if you want to keep kateso on, tha'ts fine, because the diary is still accessible, but if you ever wanted to add miralogue, i'd like it. aaaanyway. have a good one.
from lizardspace :
You should definitely take Andrew to the pediatrician and make sure he doesn't have another ear infection. The screaming at night is always the clue for me. Not long after he got the tubes (both times he got them), my son got a raging infection due to the debris from the surgery. Apparently, this happens a lot. It's pretty easily controlled with drops, and the tubes help drain the gunk, and things should straighten up after the initial blockage is gone. Not that I'm a doctor or anything, but I've been down this road.
from kinetix :
There's probably a toll free 1-800 number on the front of your snack machine somewhere for vender service. Ours all have one. Find it, call it, and let them know the snack machine is out of order.
from moviegrrl :
poor andrew! and poor you! - i hope you guys both feel much better soon! Sas
from sunny71 :
Watch some of your new DVDs!
from chile-pepper :
I almost wet my pants laughing when I read that you think you might have started your period! You slay me Uncle Bob!
from rekhodiah :
Does Pervy know what a "bus wreck" is? I've never encountered a human being (and a lousy excuse for one at that) more in need of a good bus-wrecking than your asshole nephew.
from silverchair2 :
Hell your funny.... I though I was the only one who did an "Oh shit" dance.
from livefan91200 :
Greetings oh dry sarcastic one... I've been a fan for a while... I'm the finacee of MadHatterSL... so I was forced to read your amusing diary a long time ago... it's become something we do together (aww, isn't that sweet... yeah, I know... go hurl now and read the rest of this) But yeah... good times.. keep up the good work! ~Le Penseuse
from sasori-gal :
Smiles and laughter from Japan!! Enjoy getting my fix from you! Best wishes for the new year!
from maralisa :
Oh my gawd! A real-life diaryland celebrity filling out one of my little surveys! *squeal* Sorry, I'll behave - it's about time I downloaded something new so I may just follow your advice. You have no idea how lucky you are even having a car, I failed my driving test four times last year. New year's resolution! xx
from aura-chic :
dood, could be several things wrong with your car... could just be you blew a hose, or the radiator itself....but you could have a busted head gasket...you do not wanna drive with this you could warp your head...if that happens it is a majorly expensive repair... but like i said could be many things...if you don't have a warranty on it...do what i did with mine after i spent days trying to repair it and much money on parts....junk it!!!
from sweetphatty :
ok. i had a car that overheated like that.. i drove it anyways. like you did. and my engine just got shit on. like it was just unfixable unless i had like 584395 dollars or something. so get your car fixed while you can U.B.
from mystical76 :
Oh, wow! You just gave me the best laugh of the day! Maybe the best laugh of the week! You caused 2 crazy office gals to snort, giggle, and guffaw. It was wonderful!
from herkinerf :
Hiya U.B. 2 things: 1) When your car is overheating, a good way to limp it home is to turn your defroster on its highest setting, as hot as it will go. The ride will suck, but you'll get to where you're going. Trust me...I was a rebellious teenager with a horrible old pontiac ventura (a Nova wanna-be) who simply HAD to skip school once a week or so to visit my boyfriend an hour away. The car overheated Every Single Time. and Every Single Time, the defroster saved my too-young fanny from getting stranded and caught. 2) The expiration date on milk/eggnog/dairy products is usually the sell-by date when the markets take it off the shelves. The product is still good for about a week beyond that date. Sometimes longer if it hasn't been opened and/or reopened frequently. Hope this helps!
from rekhodiah :
They're getting a Target here in Allentown too. I personally don't see what the big deal is. At least we'll have a place closer than Wal*mart, which is out by the frickin' mall.
from thecritic :
My New Years Resolution? To be more like UncleBob... I'm a dirty liar and a kiss ass *runs off to shower to wash dirty feeling away* Merry happy friggin' New Years.
from udders :
i love ya uncle bob. but bjork is a golden goddess.
from dadeeli :
Happy New Year!
from dcalien :
Thanks for the new year wish. Same to you.
from invisibledon :
Happy New Year
from manda-d :
http://www.onlinepharmacy.com/ Phentermine... It's the answer. Take it from a former fat girl.
from kelly :
you rock my world. i think you should write a sitcom based on your in-laws. it would be a big hit!
from dcalien :
Uncle Bob, come on, don't hold back, tell us what is on your mind. You are just so shy I guess.<-----attempt at humorous sarcasm. Sounds like your Christmas was merry and gay. hehe
from queenmaria :
You make me laugh out loud...thanks for taking the time! I'm slowly making my way through your archives, and have yet to determine a favorite, but I'm sure I'll have many...thanks again!
from cmkern3 :
Ahhh....I'm afraid I have you beat Uncle Bob. My fiance's mother is the LOSER of all LOSERS. She moves into an apartment, pays the security deposit and first month's rent and then never pays again - gets evicted (no, doesn't move out upon receiving NOTICE of eviction - no.....she waits until they physically come to remove her) and does this all over again with a different apartment. Occasionally she stays at a family member's house (never ours!!) for a month or 2, until she declares that "they" did something for which she cannot live with. But I digress. What do you get someone who cannot have much due to the fact that she's about to be evicted from her 462nd apartment? We didn't know. Many of you are probably saying "money" but alas! No, money would be *get this* degrading to her (she'd like everyone to think she's rich - unless she asks to borrow money that she never pays back, then she has no problem telling you how poor she is). So we ended up getting her a few things from Pier 1. All in all we spent about $30 on her, as we didn't want to make her uncomfortable by giving her an expensive gift when we knew she couldn't afford much for us. We understand this. We knew it going in. Nothing could have prepared us for our gift though: a $5 set of cheap never-put-them-in-the-microwave plastic containers from the Dollar Store. Not only that, but she opened our gifts from Pier 1 and actually looked disappointed. Ugh. I'm afraid I've gotcha beat on crappy ass in laws Uncle Bob!!
from chromemm :
How is it I manage to be blessedly thankfull that I don't have your in-laws, but envious of all the material you get from them? It's a conundrum I'll just have to live with. One hand plenty of stupid shit to bitch about on my diary. Wishing I had a lobotomy before I turn completely psycho and kill them all with a wet noodle and the many tapes of Freddy Got Fingered that sit on shelves today. It would be a creative mass murder, it helps with the insanity plee at the trial.
from lexilla :
I guess my daughter joined the freak world this year because she ordered "the guiness book of world records" from school. LOL. Its actually one of her favorite books and she claims one day she will be in it. She'll probably beat the record for either collecting the most miniature dogs, or for having the messiest room. When she does get into that book though, I want you to interview her, write a book about her, and make me rich!! ok?? hehehe
from guthrie :
Bjork might not be part aardvark?
from soulepiphany :
I've written on bjork before...and I believe the phrase you're searching for to describe her is Really Fucking WIERD. Because that's all she is. She lives only to shatter the fragile ear drums of cats and small children. ~sara
from lost-prophet :
You have one of the cutest damn kids I've ever seen. Well done I suppose :)
from queenmab95 :
What a great picture! Looks like Andrew is happy with his playhouse! Hope your holiday was wonderful.
from jenne1017 :
YAY! He looks almost as cute as my KiKi opening HER gifts (pictures to be placed in an entry tomorrow)...You rock daddy-o!
from jaspieuk :
Aww, the photo made me all teary eyed. What is Christmas without kids? XX
from ninabean :
good job! Those sugarplum midgets would be so proud!! But I do have to wonder if that smiling beaming face is truly over the playhouse, or the big ass Dora laying in the corner.... hmmmmm..... :) merry christmas uncle bob
from shroomfaerie :
Haaave yourself a vulgar little Christmas. ...Fuckin' Oath!
from smoog :
I always wanted tap shoes for christmas. I waited all year for tap shoes. I'm still waiting. I'd be dancing in the arms of Gregory Hines right this minute if I had received those Mary Jane patent leather tap shoes for christmas when I was 8. Coincidentally enough, that's also the same year I too got a concussion. The gym teacher, Mr. Landry, smashed me in the back of the head with a metal pole from his jungle gym monstrosity. I wasn't wearing tap shoes at the time.
from chromemm :
haha nice christmas story there Booby. Happy motherfucking Christmas to you too.
from lizblizz05 :
Te amo, Uncle Bob. Hope you and yours have a merry fuckin' Christmas.
from jaspieuk :
Well, Unclebob, if I wasn't sure before then now I KNOW I love you. XXXX May you and yours have a good Christmas, even Pervie. Well, maybe not him....
from robin-smith :
I knew I could count on you to bring a sentimental tear to my eye during this season of goodwill. God bless you and your fucking homeless midgets. Every one.
from cheerbaby12 :
Have a happy holidays Uncle Bob!! :)
from darkndeviant :
It is a fact, universally accepted, that a gentleman in possession of a speeding ticket will, sooner or later, come to unwittingly hold forth on the subject with a casually-attired law enforcement officer. It is thought to be particularly likely at seasonal social events! Bad luck unclebob...:) Have a great Christmas and don't let them take you alive!
from crackheadred :
whassup dood...found yer page thru ninabean...she said yer page was funny as hell...with her usually bein of sound mind...came to check it out...thats some funny shit...kinda reminds me of dave barry...but with cuss words...good stuff man..esp that cop part...been there before...LOL
from invisibledon :
happy holidays
from widower :
As far as your recent computer problems go...I say try out the Linux OS. I've never hada problem with it.
from miss-edith :
I'm a geek/and I know it/I wave my Tolkien and show it. I love you Uncle Bob! Kisses, Miss Edith
from quarters :
so okay, i admit, i've been away for a while. i'm just now trying to catch up on all the reading i've missed (we're talkin' since the beginning of july), and now i see that the links to the pervy pics are down! only to be teased even further by the following day's entry about how people reacted to them! oh, so very unfair... take care. -nick/quarters
from dcalien :
Did you think of all that just sitting at a light? You are funny.
from shetgawab :
Good luck with the speech!!
from ladyirony :
Oooooh, that's great!!!!! Now if only you could convince UAB to do the same thing. u_u Oh well, congrats! :D
from schleiffen :
Congrats on becoming required college reading. Joining the ranks of Plato and Nietzsche.
from dcalien :
Uncle Bob, as per your instructions, I am wishing you luck on your humor writing gig at the college. Somehow I think you are going to have fun with that. I know you don't want comments on the He%%$#@#d part of your entry, and wouldn't think of going against your wishes. Have you thought about using preparation H cream? I hear all the super models are using it to tighten up their skin. I am talking about the wrinkle you know.
from marsist :
cold weather makes your skin dry out and makes face lines more noticeable. use an exfoliant and/or moisturizer, and I bet the line won't be as visible. (the male version of "exfoliant" is usually to scrub your face with some soap and a washcloth.)
from dcalien :
Howdy unclebob, your party djing sounded like fun.
from dcalien :
What a trip for a present.
from cassiopeia- :
We gave Cassie her Christmas present a month ago. It is a Thomas the Train set with play table, also purchased at Toys R Us. They gave us a free $30.00 Tigger. I am not good at waiting. I am what my husband calls a "one marshmellow" kind of gal! I am personally proud to know of a dad who would go to such lenghts for their child. Susie and Andrew are both lucky!
from robin-smith :
I knew you'd appreciate my plight. Damn the pervey troglodytes and their blatant porn-surfing ways.
from pennielane24 :
Uncle Bob- I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know how much I enjoy reading your entries. I stumbled across your diary on www.damnhellasskings.com about a week or two ago, and have found myself dropping by your diary every day; laughing outloud at some of your observances and opinions. Good luck on finding the playhouse; christmas shopping... what a bitch. Allison
from cmkern3 :
And - wanting to please your son ASIDE - now its become a challenge don't you think? I know when I was investigating this issue for you yesterday, the more I looked the more I wanted to find the solution!
from poked2x :
Uncle Bob, I wish you were MY dad.
from withwings :
Hey my niggaz. Hahahaha I love it. I wouldn't say it to anyone as I live in the hood and I am ghostly white and fear or (ph34r if you are leet) for my life. If you find the toyhouse will you buy me one too? Please Uncle Bob? Pleaaaaaasssssse.
from cmkern3 :
I just looked on Little Tikes website and found that you can order this online at Target - I then went to their website and found that they can 5-7 day ship it, and there was a little thing that popped up that said shipping was free for orders over $100. Go to www.littletikes.com and check it out!!
from dcalien :
I have read you a couple of times, just took your survey oops, one of your surveys.
from cassiopeia- :
I just checked on ebay, and they do not have any Imagisound Playhouses for sale there. I have never known ebay to not have something, at least a beat up crappy item of similar sort for sale. I think you may be in trouble Uncle Bob! Good luck.
from condorman :
Re: Fogo. Dude, it rocks. There's a similar place in North Atlanta called Carro de Boi. And for the ultimate "All The Meat You Can Eat" treat, I recommend you buy a plane ticket and eat some roasted giraffe at The Carnivore. http://www.tamarind.co.ke/docs/carnivore.htm
from robin-smith :
Sexy headwound ensemble. Got it. We can go to a drive-in screening of "Dawn of the Dead" and make out. Deal?
from liquidhuman :
The clean-up guy keeps moving your garbage can because he wants you to recycle your Diet Vanilla Coke cans.
from lizardspace :
Two things. First of all, we must share a janitor, because I have the same fucking problem with my trash can. One day, I will be forced to get physical about it, but meanwhile, I keep leaving passive-aggresive notes in Spanish. Secondly, my son has two Dora dolls. In fact, every little boy I know loves Dora. I see LOTS of little half-Hispanic children running around several years from now...
from ghostie :
Everyone on here say they're "cousins" and your name is Uncle Bob. Did I wander into some kind of incest thing? Don't laugh I'm serious!
from finglunatic :
Uncle Bob, I'm quite confused. You live in Alabama, yes? Well, I'm in the Midwest and it's approximately 5:21 p.m. here on Friday, December 6. So, how the hell can you already have a post in your diary dated and timed, 12/7/02, 3:41 a.m.--is this some kinda weird time-warp thing? Please advise!! Thank you.
from sillyme00 :
I am glad to hear that everything went well with Andrew...
from queenmab95 :
I'm so glad Andrew is okay! Give the little dude a hug from me!
from flippie :
My mom always says she has "halfheimer's" but "sometimer's" is pretty good too! :)
from shroomfaerie :
Howdy, Uncle Bobula. Private Shroomfaerie reporting for duty. *Salutes, then proudly holds up latrine scrubs* ...Sign me up for the army for a few years? *Winks suggestively*
from getoffmyhalo :
will you put me down as a favorite???
from robin-smith :
If you keep posting such nice things in my guestbook, I'm going to get a SWOLLEN HEAD! (Yeah, you can take that and run with it.) Glad you're back, and whippin' out the smacks again.
from suzannah :
You think the doll for Lee Jeans is scary you should see the website, http://www.leedungarees.com Be sure to play the world's dumbest video game, Emu Lander, while you're there.
from z0tl :
 
from unadopechica :
I find it funny that you didn't put together the "Buddy Lee" name with the "Lee Dungarees" tagline and realize it was Lee Jeans. They weren't really hiding it. But I do agree. Buddy Lee is freakish.
from findyourself :
HOW DARE YOU LEAK THE SECRET ABOUT WRITER'S BLOCK! I can't believe you, Uncle Bob. Of all people, I never thought you would end up being a traitor to the cause. Feh to you, sir.
from cassiopeia- :
Where do I get one of those creepy dolls???
from neurobics :
What is it with the boat load of santas, snowmen and nutcrackers that have suddenly bloomed on every lawn in my neighborhood? It looks like a sex offenders convention out there.
from zqf8 :
Oh man do I feel your hatred for those sonofabitching Annalee dolls Uncle Bob. See, I'm from New Hampshire. Laconia to be precise, and Meredith (the next town over) is where the dolls originated. The founder/creator of the dolls just died this year and the Earth, and the Granite State in particular, is better off without her. She was a crotchety old bitch and no one liked her. But that doesn't stop every town in an 80 mile radius from decorating with her crack baby elves, snowmen, and smiling suns. Christmas makes it much worse. I'm sure she's in hell laughing at us all. Oh man I hate those fucking dolls. Ahhhh. I feel better now. Thanks Uncle Bob.
from trinity63 :
its about fucking time you write for yourself and no one else.
from stellarose :
stumbled upon your diary....will undoubtedly stumble back again. *SR
from robin-smith :
Happy thanksgiving and all that...come back soon. Or else I'll have to crank up my offensiveness rating to compensate for your absence, and no-one needs THAT, do they?
from carrrot :
U.B., I miss you!
from corran :
Wow...do you really read all these diaries?
from bfcynic :
Enjoy your vacation!
from untame-able :
(going through withdrawls...)
from shortst101 :
Happy Thanksgiving
from genibee :
Happy Turkey Day, Unka Bob!
from hippie5 :
Enjoy your vacation and have a great Thanksgiving! :-)
from levontaun :
Hiya UB, Thanks for the blurb in your diary... the traffic I got from it crashed my image server and it's still on fire after four days. Okay, not really. But I did get alot of traffic, and it prompted me to re-upgrade, thereby restoring my images and whatnot. Thank you, Bob, for restoring my faith in humanity and the world as a whole. Aw, fuckit... it's still a shithole. Heh. Lev
from queenmab95 :
Re:the offensive entry....Truthfully, I think most of us have thought that stuff to ourselves occasionally....I know I have.
from buffyslays :
So what do you have to do to be in your Army? Write a sucky poem? Uncle Bob Basic Training? Huh...huh??
from janeroe :
Dude, that was seriously funny. Not offensive at all. Please write more in the same vein.
from theotherchad :
Excellent non-PC entry. That's why you're at the top of my favorites list. Reminds me of a banner I saw on someone else's diary a couple of days ago. It has a picture of a typical Special Olympics "athlete" crossing the finish line, with this caption. "Argueing with people online is like competing in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded." How's that for offensive?
from kelly :
who would have thought! 2 spicolis! heh. i told jordan that if he gets to talk to the band (like he inevitabley will) to see if somebody in the band was named mattie g who knew uncle bob! haha! he is going to sound so stupid when he does:)
from kelly :
hey uncle bob, know how you have a friend in the band that is called like. 'the spicolies' or something? are they touring canada? if so, my cousin is going to see them play tonight. totally random 'it is a small world' piece of trivia if it is indeed your friends band.
from jasmine-s :
Um ... "IT" was so great ... not "I". I'm never very great really ... giggles :)
from jasmine-s :
Have fun tonight !!! I have been to one of his concerts two years ago and I was so great ! And This summer he is coming here again and guess who's going ? meeeeeeeeee !!! And I'm not even a "balding, paunchy guy your age", I just turned 25 ... hihi:)
from pattymelt :
MY very 1st (real) concert was the boss back in the 80's - "the river" tour. (i don't think that shuan cassidy concert when i was 13 should really count) anyway, the boss was great and i still love that album!
from jenne1017 :
Have fun!!!!! The Boss. Wow. I've never even been to a concert...Do whatever people do there, doubly for me too, k?
from pthm :
hey uncle bob, i recently discovered the pitt stop, and i just finished reading ever entry in the old entries archive, but i know there is a gap between the last entry in the archives and the last one with the disclaimer, any clue as to how i can read these long last pitt stop entries?
from rekhodiah :
When Pervy comes over tonight, tell him the Internet is down because it's sick of downloading so much porn for an underage pervert, and that if he does it again, he might as well spend Monday nights on the street since he won't be (and SHOULDN'T be in my humble opinion) welcome in the Uncle Bob household. Oh, and have Susie take the bukkake pics with the tapioca on YOUR face... that should help him get over that little fetish. ;) Just my $.02
from trinity63 :
me loves vanilla coke satan! hahahaha
from circusfreak :
dear uncle bob: i would like a trans-neutralizer 300. can i have it, please?
from pimpshack :
http://pimpshack.diaryland.com/calendars.html .....anyone ever do something similar to this? UNCLE BOB ROCKS
from invisibledon :
woo hoo thanks for playing in my neighborhood again uncle bob & it was even unsolicited this time. Thanks again you remain the funniest uncle i never had
from jenne1017 :
Wow. That was a good story!
from queenmab95 :
UncleBob, I really liked the story you sent out last night. You're right, it does warm the heart (so to speak). You're an all right guy; I don't care what they say about you...:)
from crazygal23 :
uncle bob! awww.. i almost cried reading that story, good job, i dont cry often. neways, i love your site, i go every day almost once youve updated, and your really funny.
from sweetphatty :
Just wanted to say I read that story that you sent out to your notfiylist peeps.. man it made me cry! its so sweet... what a big lug you are unclebob.. sweetheart to the core you are :-)
from oraljoy :
To paraphrase that sleazy lawyer in "A Time To Kill"...Cheat. Cheat like crazy. Pop a coupla melatonin before your next appointment.
from sintimate :
from googlism.com Googlism for: uncle bob uncle bob is the savior of the universe and protector of all that is lame uncle bob is still alive 2002 uncle bob is that of a big uncle bob is affiliated with the union city rescue mission uncle bob is living in hawaii uncle bob is a psychedelic improvisational jam band located in denver uncle bob is completed mesmerized by lesbians uncle bob is not only concentrating on excellent flavor uncle bob is a favorite with the "old guys that wear knee uncle bob is a stunning beginning uncle bob is always reminding people of the slavery and horrors the black people supposedly experienced under white rule uncle bob is? uncle bob is like a snapshot of life uncle bob is a school teacher uncle bob is not a doctor uncle bob is really a play about nephew josh uncle bob is really going to regard that pocket p*ssy as a "gag" uncle bob is in one of the photos uncle bob is a cantankerous old millionaire with a family of greedy fools uncle bob is interested in raising his own crabs and oysters uncle bob is really doing a low uncle bob is in louisville uncle bob is doing you a favor uncle bob is gone but the memories live on by tim troglen the buchtelite uncle bob is my dad's brother and he lives in north carolina and works at the north carolina center for reproductive medicine uncle bob is about a man living alone with aids who is suddenly visited by his unstable nephew who wants bob to live with his family uncle bob is in combat and his letters lose their playfulness uncle bob is my "pistol uncle bob is my silent hero uncle bob is repressed or uncle bob is uncle bob is possible in the context of this email list uncle bob is almost apologetic in announcing that he has arrived at an art career with absolutely no credentials uncle bob is the most responsible and is very caring to others and to of course his beautiful family uncle bob is an engineer and lives with his family in chicago uncle bob is coming to visit uncle bob is also one of the university?s ?golden graduates? and was named the south uncle bob is now under long term engagement within the process of reconstruction uncle bob is the first to grab a pair of alleys uncle bob is a persona that i've invented uncle bob is very active uncle bob is back uncle bob is a web designer uncle bob is such a godly man uncle bob is black uncle bob is the only member of the family left and will be ninety years old may 8 uncle bob is exactly what i want uncle bob is a toy craftsperson uncle bob is a coach uncle bob is coming monday uncle bob is in its manic tone uncle bob is looking for more pictures of his adorable nephew uncle bob is in question? uncle bob is married to auntie cora uncle bob is always on the other end of the phone to help her out with her theories uncle bob is my "rich uncle uncle bob is chipping in $4500 uncle bob is an idiot uncle bob is taking some "quiet time" uncle bob is hunched over something interesting uncle bob is paying for the tickets uncle bob is the only one in this picture still living uncle bob is very moving uncle bob is here along with 51 other african leaders who have all come together to bury the oau uncle bob is in charge of the content of these pages and is open to any suggestions you may have regarding what could be included in the minnick family history uncle bob is a very funny man indeed uncle bob is shown here on his porch at home uncle bob is uncle bob is now a principal and aunt amy is a health teacher at west noble middle school – and i still remember what a better place the world is when you uncle bob is legitimate uncle bob is heckeling anna uncle bob is also one of the university?s "golden graduates" and was named the south uncle bob is way cooler than my kid's old man can ever hope to be
from waterbabee :
I'm very happy I stumbled upon this whole monstrosity. I read most of the notes,except the ones that were too long--they're kind of discouraging. Anyway, great fun but I have one thing to say--Everyone should vote. Even though I did't, I feel like shit for it. Hey I just logged on tonight But I WANNA BE IN THE ARMY.
from sheeptea :
*lmmfao* Fabulous. Juat fabulous. Been readin' yer diary for a few weeks now. Stumbled across it by accident. And am I glad that I did!!! Go get that pervy little bastard, uncle bob....
from oraljoy :
Babe, you're probably going to be up all night long now feeling guilty over screwing with us like that, aren't you???
from smartepants :
So, when you were 21, and with Susie, how'd you know she's the one? I asked my supervisor today how he knew his wife was "the one", and he said, "because she wouldn't give it up. Took more than a week, at least".. could my innocence be that rewarding?
from queenmab95 :
You are evil...eeeeevil, I tell ya! You're enjoying leaving us all in suspense, aren't ya?? You're so mean to us, Uncle Bob!!!! (j/k)
from wicked-sezzy :
uncle bob, what the FUCK? what happened with Pervy you big goon!!!?
from hippichic04 :
dude...as an avid reader, i have total right to say this...you are a nut! you were going to enlighten us on the pervy-conversation, but, no. you rambled on about other shit. get it together, unclebob!
from waterfall2 :
GRRRRR.. You left me hanging! Its not fair.. not fair I tell ya!!! Christina
from smgmatt :
That was one of the funniest entries you've ever written. There's a bit of Andy Kaufman humor there. Or is it April already?
from sillyme00 :
Love reading you everyday, I can't believe that you left us all hangin' like that... yes, I can!!
from fcprincesse :
you're just a tease...
from manda-d :
I thought you had a talk with Pervy???
from anat :
my god, man! out with it already! you're such a tease, i swear.
from queenmab95 :
ARRRRRGH!!!!! Uncle Bob, don't leave us hanging like that!!!!!
from mistachel :
hey uncle bob...not sure if you knew by now or not, but your entry today cuts off in the middle of a word in the middle of the pretzel story....just wanted you to know. :)
from mikeygal :
your diary was so funny I really enjoyed reading the hilarious entries sorry about the perv I think there is one in every family. my old roomie was like that and she was a girl. She had more porn tapes than she knew what to do with.
from aimezmoi :
That's pretty awesome, that movie being filmed where you live. I hope you get cast as an extra & get to meet the famous people & stuff. I'm sure you'll have fun, even though all extras get to do is wait & eat & wait some more & then eat some more & then get to film a couple scenes & then wait & eat.
from monkieygirl :
Baby Doolittle rocks. My daughter can name every animal out there because of those DVD's. Of course she can't tell us when she is hungry, but she sure has the difference between lions, tigers, and cheetas down.
from monkieygirl :
YEA Geeks everywhere! I am the ultimate geek, I went to a high school with the words, Talnted and Gifted in the name. Geeks rock. I am all about helping pitch in for the crack, crab infested whore.
from rekhodiah :
So I'm a geek. Is there a problem with geekdom? I'm a geek, and I'm *proud* to be a geek. Although I do agree with you that Episode II kinda sucked. Lucas has to take a long hard look at his directoral faults. While he's doing that, I'll make Episode III and make it kick ass. :)
from pthm :
hey there bob, just wanted to let you know that at the end of my day, reading your diary is a nice little something before i go to sleep. always makes me laugh, thanks.
from biensoul :
What about a list for Girls-Who-Went-To-Happy-Hour-at-2:30pm-Got-Piss-Ass-Drunk-Came-Home-And-Passed-Out-Then-Woke-Up-at-2:30am-And-Can't-Get-Back-to-Sleep? You know, if it isn't too much trouble since you're trying to appeal to all demographics here.
from melissa1983 :
I've been reading your diary for awhile now, this is the first time I've left a note. You're diary is very interesting. That list is hilarious, kinda reminds me of that list of the 50 fun things to do in Walmart.
from angelinlimbo :
Not to be picky, but I think it's a buttercup and not a dandelion that can tell you if you like butter...I can't imagine what the correlation is.....:)
from madamefromag :
Uncle Bob, Have you been watching Martha Stewart lately? I swear she must have given you some of those Friday night tips.
from caligirl27 :
hi uncle bob. I think you are super funny, but in the entry "Jesus needs a new DVD player" I was offended. You were talking about preparing for spending time with young boys, and you mentioned how a "gook" with a bloody pitchfork, and blah, and blah again. i dont't think it is very cool of you to call someone a gook. You really shoudn't use racisst comments in your diary because it might offend someone. But none the less I am still a fan. Just please try to be more careful with your language.
from carianne :
Oh God, I think I'm blind! Don't do that to a girl...or anyone for that matter. It looks like Alvin the Chipmunk gone terribly wrong...it's that Southern water I sweartagahd...it produces teeth like that.
from ladyirony :
SHIT!!!! Uncle Bob don't DO that to me!!! O_O;;
from marsist :
wow, that was the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life. except for my own teenage pictures, of course.
from abwhite :
I wrote you the king of suck ass poems. No poem can suck quite like this one!
from exiles :
I just started reading your diary after seeing your name mentioned my deepblue3 a few times. You really write a lot and are pretty funny. I just wanted to say hi. I really liked reading about pervy and your money hungry church. On both accounts I can relate. In the case of pervy I sort of of discovered porn just as the internet was going mainstream. I got the taste of early porn on the internet. It was a lot more toned down, now there is only money making in it. The stuff now is a lot more straightforward and anything a person can imagine is on. Everyone though develops there own sense and style when it comes to sex and there perceptions of it. I think it isn't too bad as long as you can seperate fantasy from reality. Some things can make one person sick and bring another pleasure. I try not to judge too harshly on anothers personal turn ons. I figure I let people have whatever fantasies they want as long as they don't hurt anyone with it. I hope that even if pervy has developed an unusual fetish that he finds a way to operate in the world and treat people right. I am a former exploited child church star. I used to do everything for the church and god. I just do things for the greater good an entity we put together as God. Whatever name we all want to call it doesn't matter. I found church is a way you can show faith but living a good life means more than going to church will ever mean. Church is only a means to show your love for God. Being good probable means more to God than going somewhere and kissing his ass or feet. Thats how I see it. Church is like your parents. They are something you care and can love but they aren't perfect or always right and sometimes you need to move away or on. They can only give you so much but can't be your life. That's just my 2 sense. Anyways hi and I look forward to reading more of your entries!
from pillowbqqk :
I really love reading your diary but I'm bothered by how you treat your nephew, Pervy. Why do you even give him access to your computer room? Just don't let him go in there. Why don't you include him with what you and the rest of the family are doing? Why don't you just try talking with the kid. He sounds like he could use a nice, adult role model. Instead of just shutting him away in a room, interact with him. And you didn't have the kind of access to porn that this kid does. If the internet had existed when you were 15 years old, maybe you would have been spanking it to weird stuff and not the underwear section in the Sears catalog. Lorelei
from okielion08 :
Hey, Polotics sucks,I know.I'm 13, and I..me, a 13 year old girl-Had to vote! And the idiot I voted for Lost.Stupid Oklahoma.grr.anyhow,Your obviosly lucky you don't have to vote, while my school forces us.ho-hum. -Okielion08
from sahibmihe :
Hey Uncle Bob! Regarding the porn issue with your nephew: There's something else you might mention to him when (if) you sit him down for that lecture. Porn sites often resort to sneaky tricks to get more revenue from unsuspecting people. They surreptitiously change your browsers home page to their own (imagine opening your browser to look up, I dunno, a bible reference or something, and instead seeing Jenna Jameson taking it up the ass), they put programs on your system that change your dial out numbers, and you get a phone bill a month later with $7000 worth of calls to Tunisia or something. They can plant a virus on your system, they can do all kinds of nasty stuff. Then there's the legality issue. I don't know if your community has legally defined "decency standards", but if someone decided to subpoena your computer's temp directory, are you sure that what's in there won't get you twenty years in the slammer? Password protecting your computer would be the easiest way to stop this. All versions of Windows have the capability to allow users to password protect their system. If that's not something you want to deal with, instead of pulling the keyboard and mouse, just pull the phone cord from the computer, and hide it (or the network cable, if you use broadband). If the computer can't access the Internet, your nephew will have to play Solitaire or something.
from miss-edith :
I didn't vote either! My entry today was titled "Why Miss Edith Doesn't Vote and Why She Doesn't Feel At All Bad About It" Anyway, I've been catching a lot of flak about it, so I was gratified to see that you didn't vote either. Awww. You just had to give me another reason to love you.
from ladyirony :
Wow, so it's *not* just the Captain D's in B'ham that have the Crips reunions going on? Gah! O_O;; Reminds me of one time that I went to that place, and I *swear* in the parking lot there was someone *slumped over* in their car like they'd been shot. O_O;; They must not have been, because it never made headlines or anything, but I know it took us a hell of a long time to get our food, and we *did* go through the drive-thru. *shudder* Scary. O_O;;
from nitemoves :
You don't have to vote for the lesser of two evils!!! Check out http://www.lp.org (The Libertarian Party) They are Pro-legalization of marijuana, (as well as other victimless crimes) and also have strong points with Social Security, National Defense and Crimes and Violence!
from nikkiwilson :
AHH! I love Uncle Bob!
from condorman :
Ho U. Bob! You can password protect your computer quite easily without forking over cash for new software. When the computer boots up, you should see a message that says "Hit DELETE to enter the BIOS" or something similar. Do what it says. If you have the most common version, you should then be looking at a blue screen with yellow words all over it. On the right half of the screen somewhere should be an entry for "Supervisor Password." Go there, enter a password, and from then on, you'll need to type that password every time your computer is turned on or reboots. (And if you need to change or remove it, just go back to the BIOS, change the password back to nothing. No, not the word "nothing," just don't type anything in the box. Sheesh!) But the point is, after you set the supervisor password, just turn your computer off when Pervy pays a visit (which would be a great name for a children's book), and he won't be able to even turn your computer on. Unless he rubs against it seductively, and buys it flowers. But that a pretty heinous picture. So don't think about it. Word, Mike
from paper-rose :
The keyboard and mouse thing sounds like a good idea, but you can also password-protect your computer through your screensaver. Set your screensaver to come on after 1 minute (just before Pervy comes over) and set the password. Once the screensaver comes on, Pervy will need the password to get out of the screensaver.
from secret-stash :
jaysez is right. Start putting up passwords.At the bios AND logon. And make sure that you lock your pc whenever they're around. Becos if you don't do that, then the password is a waste of time !
from ninap1031 :
Ok, I sent you a poem. "Water." I've joined your email and even fricking proposed. As is the case with all my relationships, I am giving giving giving and you are taking taking taking. :P Enjoy the poem! LMAO!
from jaysez :
Two words for the computer/Pervy issue: BIOS password. Or have your internet connection NOT save your password, thus requiring it to be entered each time you (or he) wants to get online. That's if you haven't told him what it is, of course... Good luck!
from tequillaworm :
I completely agree, legalize marijuana! Shit that the potheads DO go out every election with another push for legalization is a small miracle in it’s self. How many times have you found yourself stoned, sitting on the sofa staring at the TV slack jawed, needing to pee, but without any motivation to get up and walk into the bathroom? Well, until you’re about to shut down a kidney, or slip into death from water toxicity. It shows great tenacity on the part of the stoned masses, I say give it to us!!!
from jendra :
your nephew is a sicko! I'm terribly afriad of spiders, so I didn't even consider clicking on the link, but the decription made my skin crawl. show his dad for sure and get his sorry ass in trouble. However, if he stops coming over, we all miss out on the funny stories you tell us about him. I'm a little torn
from flintywoman :
nothing better, however, than arachnahomophobia.
from raversweetie :
the link to russell's tshirt website doesn't work. i think you may have written the html wrong. just wanted to let you know. ;)
from evilbunnie :
All hail Uncle Bob! I love your diary. Must say that your writing makes me chuckle to the point where milk comes out of my nose.
from lizardspace :
Um. How come it took me so long to find your journal? Obviously, you hear this all the time, but add me to the slavering minions who think you kick all kinds of ass.
from oraljoy :
I agree with your take on the church. We do not attend church because of this. However, I want to give our girls a spiritual foundation. I have just found that a local Catholic Church has Sunday School every Wednesday night at 6:30. You do not have to be a member to participate, just pay a small fee of $25.00. We are starting the 4 year old in that. Personally I can think of far better things to do with my charity dollars. Currently I support the Haitian orphanage at www.precious.org Giving money to kids that literally don't have any food satisfies my soul more than donating for a new sterling silver Communion service as my mom is doing right now with the 'piscopalians down the street. Good luck.
from endline :
yeah, that is most indeed shady of your church. i mean, logistically, the churches NEED collection to further the church and keep it running and blah blah blah, but i specifically remember giving according to your ability and with a joyful heart. some churches seriously piss me off, because they think they know the congregation's ability. ::shaking my fist:: it's between you and God, and that's seriously a bunch of crap. and how could that woman take a bell from ANDREW? heartless bitch. ; ) have a good day.
from alwaysange :
Happy Halloweiner, Uncle Bob!
from squirrelx :
I just want to tell you how much I enjoy reading your diary each day. It's equal parts P.J. O'Rourke, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, and William Safire --- and always a pleasure to peruse. Best, Xtine / Squirrel X
from celtickatt :
I love reading your diary. You are funny as hell! Best of luck with your sleep apnea. Oh, and your son is too cute. Best of luck with him too. -Shannon
from moirarowan :
Funny funny stuff.
from aquira :
Heya Uncle! Thanks for putting a smile or two on my face. Saw in your profile you're a Prince-before-he-went-tafkap/religious/plainweird-fan. Saw the man in Holland two weeks ago. It rocked. Have you ever been to Amsterdam? You'd love it there. Take care, A.
from soulepiphany :
Uncle Bob, you crazy whore! Sleep apnea is a symptom of congestive heart failure...fluid build up is caused by sodium...AND YOU WERE EATING GDAMNED BUGELS. Hey, Uncle Bob? Don't die...k?
from naomibeth :
Down with Daylight Savings Time! It's a pointless tradition. They started it back in the 1700's to help the farmers who had to be up with the chickens before the bank opened or something. We don't need it anymore, and it's stupid. I have small kids, too. And they don't get it and therefore, I don't get it, either.
from chromemm :
ah the David Blaine trick...now see this is where I crush the illusion for you. You notice how you only see him from behind and can only see the back of his shoes and a bit of the underside, but never all the way to the front? Thats because when he turns his back to his crowd he drosp down this folded up "step" later..a poll with a little step that he rises up on then just sort of rises to his tip toes on it so it gives the illusion from behind he is floating....ta da....sorry to crush the mystery. heh
from kelifairy :
wow! This is a really really nice diary! I love the design, the writings and hehe, your son's photo. He's so adorable! I'll be back real soon :)
from elateddream :
Hahaha, your diary kicks ass in the most humourous way possible. Would you be interested in linking back and forth? Drop me a note if so :) Thanks
from hellcat182 :
great job, uncle bob! nice diary.
from chadmuska :
everyone seems to like your diary. and i do too.
from sweetphatty :
hey there unclebob.. as always just wanted to let you know that I am an avid reader of your diary and to tell you that I visited the publicdomain site and i won a cd! thanks... and rock on or some shit
from spacecadetwh :
hmmmm...well, as a person who makes their living waiting tables.....you are ok...if you get little to no service you leave little to no tip. it is not a requirement it is a gratuity, a way of saying thanks for taking time to check on me and make my dining enjoyable. i get sooo tired of some of the peeps i work with, who, once they drop the food on the table vanish....and then call the customers cheap cause they didnt leave a tip. bah, no service, no tip. and before i get blasted for that cause yes, we make about $2 an hour and our money is taxed on estimated tips, i make good money on my tips cause...hello here...i WAIT on my customers. if i have people sitting, i stay on the floor, i check on them and make sure they have all they need. it isnt that hard, people. anyway, that was my two cents worth. space
from unadopechica :
Yes, you can tip servers at "all you can eat" places. They seat you, should be refilling your drink as necessary, clearing your plates and providing you with utensils, napkins, and condiments. If they don't, don't feel bad - screw 'em for not doing their job! But, if they do, you should at least leave a buck. Afterall, they do have to clean up afer you, right?
from marsist :
YES on the al-Qaeda thing!! I knew there was something off about that "YOUR" children note, but I couldn't articulate it like you. that, and I saw white vans with Arabic guys in them driving around and around all the back roads of Falls Church all last winter, as if trying to learn the shortcuts. BUT THAT'S PROBABLY THE PARANOIA TALKING.
from mocksie :
I'm all the way up in New York, I work in Northern New Jersey. The guy that was killed yesterday-- the bus driver-- is the nephew of a co-worker of mine. Just goes to show that everyone's affected, all around the country. Fucked up, man. :/
from brocktastic :
I frequent the Pizza Hut buffets and I almost never tip them, especially if they don't come and offer to refill my soda. I might tip them for that or if they are especially attentive, taking away old plates and stuff. I used to waitress so I am critical of the service but sympathetic to the situation. I am a good tipper (no less than 20% unless they piss me off) for good service, but there is very little, if any, service involved in a buffet. I'm just saying . . .
from ninap1031 :
Ok, my day sucked and now, simply because of you, it doesn't! Marry me...I will wash the dishes, I will even do the frickin' laundry. p/s: Bring the kid and the dog. In for a penny, in for a pound.
from hippie5 :
I think everyone in Alabama is sick of seeing those damned commercials all over the place (they've even consumed the radio). That's the worst mud-slinging I've heard in a while. I'm tired of hearing about supposedly not paid taxes and BS about money for education that you know neither one of them will stick to :P It just all comes down to picking the lesser of the two evils, I guess.
from missvile-nce :
What are the secrets to good writing? ahhh i hate school =( i hope andrew is doing okay. xo
from bitchorama :
I think I need to be in the army.... draft me, baby, draft me!
from undertones :
hi, i luv the way you write, even thought i cant relate to what you are going thru, i sure can sympathise...aww, poor daddy. keep up the great work and witty writing!
from dominia :
Dude. That was pathetic. You are SUCH a pussy. :D
from gweenie :
TEETH! Nowhere in the entire story did you mention counting teeth... very important when your child whacks himself in the face. Boy, are you new at this....
from pimpshack :
GOD DAMN YOU HAVE A LOT OF NOTES!!!!!!!!!
from plankton :
Ah, bathtime! I remember those days. My two-year-old was in the big tub and feared she would lose the washcloth down the drain. My husband assured her that the washcloth would not go down the drain. WRONG! After much embarassment (and paying way too much money to the plumber), the washcloth was retrieved but my younger one would not get in a tub again for a long time. "You're too big to go down the drain," I assured her. All she would say was "Washcloth big too."
from soulepiphany :
Fist of all, I was ecstatic as all hell to find my observation of Pervy's Patness mentioned in beautiful UB form. It may have been nothing to you, but to a girl who awaited so long an Army Membership...well, let's just say it made me pretty damn happy. Second, thanks for indulging one of my guilty pleasures: really disliking the majority of old people. Proud or not, you had me dying at the "The all smell weird" segment. I seriously could take no more. Cincinati F'n Ohio.... Oh, sweet Jesus.
from missmari :
hey uncle bob, sorry that i'm hitting your diary like a bad wife that didn't cook dinner on time, but the computer i'm using doesn't really work right and i'm addicted to your diary. thanks for understanding.
from endline :
ahh old people roll around in Cincinnati, Ohio. i live there, and i wondered why it smelled like old people. and ghetto. and crack. and now i know. :)
from debbs42 :
I love your site. It's funny as hell :D I wish you the best! Debbs
from rekhodiah :
The horny little retard left STAINS????? It's high time you whuped 'im, and I mean good.
from pixiekitten :
hi bawb, i read your journal everyday, it cracks me up and such. i just wanted to say yes, u have awesumm abilities at blowing smoke up asses. and you are very talented. and i want u. hehe no just joking but ur a very interesting guy. ok sleep good!
from oliveyes :
Thanks for sharing...I enjoy your entries very much!
from firedove58 :
yes I am having the same problem as waterfall the link always takes me back to the diaryland homepage...
from waterfall2 :
dear unclebob.. I can't seem to see the picture of your perve nephew.. it keeps taking me to the diaryland site.. i"m curious as what this.. pervere dude looks like. please e-mail me the picture.. or do something.. Plzzzzzz Christina (waterfall2)
from divergent :
addressing the whole sleep apnea issue. i work at central california pulmonay/sleep disorders clinic. you can ask me any and all questions. and i'll tell you the truth..minus all the bullshit that the respiratory peeps and doctors tell you. since its a specialized field....they tell you LOTS of stuff that will make them get more money in the long run. if you ever wanna drop me a line...yourenotspecial@hotmail.com thanks-k
from suzannah :
Welcome to the world of CPAP machines, lithuim grease in your hair during testings and tubes up your nose. I was diagnosed with Apnea four years ago and it was the best thing that's ever happened. Life is much better with an oxygen tank and mask. It even intensifies sex and you'll have a second Mojonation return, resulting in feeling like a teenybopper again.
from anamlabodis :
My Dad has OSA too! And he went with the CPAP machine, the Lecter oxygen mask. It's pretty cool, like a permanent Vader hissing sound. Might take some getting used to, but it helps tremendously. Good luck, Uncle Bob!
from rekhodiah :
The Queen (queenmab95) and I had a friend who died from sleep apnea. Get yourself cured!! We don't want to be without our beloved UncleBob every morning! You can be angsty and bitchy without the apnea, trust us...
from raversweetie :
i'm surprised the wife hasn't ever picked up on your apnea. usually when someone has it the person they sleep in bed with every night notices since you'll be snoring and then all the sudden your breath catches and you don't breathe for waaaay too long and then it sounds like you are choking. my dad has apnea and it scares the shit out of all of us b/c sometimes it seems like he's not going to start breathing again. but hey! congratulations for having an excuse for everything! now i just need one ;)
from wienermom :
Oh my god. This sleep apnea sounds exactly like what my husband has. He has most of those symptoms, too. Thanks for posting this.
from pig-snicket :
That's what happens to me too. Where's the pictures!
from poked2x :
everytime I try to look at the picture of Pervy, it just takes me to the front page or Dland. What up?
from elateddream :
Hey there, your diary rocks! I was just wondering if you would be interested in creating a linking system (through our favourites) if you're interested. Drop me a note :) Thanks, and keep up the awesome writing! Katie
from angelinlimbo :
UB...I'm a litle slow on the diary reading update (my apologies)...but your poor nephew. If he doesn't look like the poster child for the definition of the word "Skeez"...whoa! (add Joey Lawerence-esque tone here) This kid needs an Ricki Lake makeover like nobody's business before he gets into the adult-world or he'll end up continually ruining his keyboards with his porn-surfing tendencies. And above all else, keep the precious Andrew AWAY from such a vile creature. Bleh!
from kelly :
Hope you are feeling better soon:)
from synful-lys :
~shudders~ I'm sorry your nephew is a fat pervy bastard...so so so incredibly sorry....~blinks~ I need to go wash my eyes now. XD Take care Uncle Bob...you rawk harecore. ^_^
from sulla :
Wow Uncle Bob! You sure know how to get me hot! Nothing gets a girl going like pictures of a pervy fat teenaged boy wearing tight clothes. YUMMY!
from asdotcom :
Honey, Get some milk, eggs, bread, and toilet paper. Don't forget the toilet paper. Remember the embarassment that caused you last time. xoxo, -AS!
from mzauberman :
This is more serious than I thought. You need to get this kid some help, or else he's going to see less action in his life than at a Christopher Reeve/Stephen Hawking tennis match. First, some weight loss (just a little, he's not hopeless) would do him a world of good. In the meantime, though, we need SHORT TERM SOLUTIONS. Okay, first, this kid should never, ever wear shorts. Get him some nice loose-fitting jeans in black and light blue, and lots of plain black T-shirts. Lots of them. Second of all, get this kid to the BARBER. Holy cripes, he could put an eye out with that hair. The halfro is a big problem here. Shave it off, get a crew cut, grow it long, slick it back, slap it, flip it, rub it down OH NO, do SOMETHING!. There is hope for this kid yet, but it you just sit around all day trying to get him uninterested in Internet porn, you're GOING to fail. The best way to get his mind off Internet porn is probably to get some girls interested in him! Help this poor child before it's too late, Uncle Bob! You may be his last hope!
from tuff517 :
Holy crap. That kid looks like Pat from Saturday Night Live. I can't be the first person to have said that.
from soulepiphany :
Jesus....all I can think about now is androgynous "Pat" of SNL fame. You might want to consider doing a split screen comparison. ~sara
from rekhodiah :
The fat little f*ck is in desperate need of an ass-kicking. That's all I have to say.
from idontexist :
my gosh, i didn't think cellulite like that was possible on a male, thankyou for the photo i no longer feel like i am the most hideous person in the world
from flintywoman :
holy shit. scary.
from cassiopeia- :
I think it is time for Andrew to sign up for a gymnastics or perhaps a karate class to protect himself from that cousin. If you have to drag the perv along to the class, I bet he will complain enough to get the perv parents to find another babysitting source. I too would be as angry, if not more so. You are being way too nice in this situation. If some 15 year old was interested in watching my baby get changed, they would not be allowed in my house. I'm tellin' ya Uncle Bob, you can't be too careful these days. I would find a way out, fast. Before I slapped the kid and ended up in jail...
from raversweetie :
is the perv wearing daisy dukes??
from kinetix :
Jesus. Just looked at the pictures of Pervy, and now want to take my brain out and scrub it clean until it bleeds. If that's not a face that says, "I have a hitchhiker, tied up in my crawlspace."
from random-diary :
Whoo-hoo! I have found you and added you to my random-diary list! You can see the particular entry at http://random-diary.diaryland.com/021005_62.html . And remember that we all do it sometimes.
from greenwitch :
I have a good friend who has done in home daycare and made a formidable amount of money doing it. She hangs out at home playing with three or four children, feeds them snacks and sends them home when the commuting parents arrive. At one point she was making $350 a week to play, not too bad. Don't panic, there is always a way to get through stuff.
from officeass :
Bob, I am in a similar situation to the one your wife finds herself in now. We got a new boss about six months ago and he took an immediate dislike to me. I have a nice office right next door to his and he wanted his personal secretary to have it instead of me. Since I worked directly for the previous boss, I was attached to the position and the office so he was kinda stuck with me (my job is government protected) unless he could find a serious flaw in my job performance. So he has made it his personal mission to get me reassigned somewhere else. He's finally found someone amibitious and morally bankrupt enough to supply him with some (untrue) dirt. This person was someone I considered a true friend and his betrayal is breaking my heart. I have two options: I can take the new position I have been offered, or I can fight this thing and lose. The new position is considered a demotion, although I will not have to take a pay cut. But it's in a horrible location with no private office and I will no longer be working with the people I have come to love and be so devoted to. If I fight him I will end up losing my job altogether, along with my health insurance. So what to do? I have decided, like your wife, to do what my personal dignity demands: not take it lying down. I will end up getting fired, but I simply cannot let a pack of lies result in me having to take a humiliating downgrade, and I cannot let those who did this to me get what they want without telling my side of this story. I applaud your wife for her decision. It's important to do what's right, even though it might put you in a hard spot for a time. But your wife sounds like an extremely dedicated employee with plenty of marketable skills. I have no doubt that everything will work out for the best if she sticks to her guns. I feel her pain; it's so hard to fight back against the powers that be. It's scary as hell. She probably feels like all the blood, sweat and tears she's poured into her job over the years have been for nothing. But she'll sleep better knowing that she did not take this injustice lying down. GO SUSIE!!!
from poked2x :
Yo Uncle Bob. Where you at? If you're still illin', hope you get better real quick like. Word.
from biensoul :
Oh Uncle Bob, his teachers don't collect Pokemon cards with their own money, they just confiscated them from students years ago! Silly! ;)
from missvile-nce :
eck where are you?! i hope you're okay!
from madamefromag :
Seeing no update today, I fear the worst. i keep checking the news pages for the headline, "Älabama Man Succumbs to Ecoli Laden Burrito."
from queenmab95 :
Poor Uncle Bob! My fiance (Rekhodiah) had the same thing this weekend. I hope you're feeling better soon...try some ginger tea; sometimes that works. Anyway, tell Susie to hang in there, I hope she gets the better of that suck-ass boss. Tell her to tell her boss that he's p**sing off an Irish chick in PA, and that's never a good thing! (haha) By the way, I'm really liking this whole NotifyList thing....
from rekhodiah :
Sorry you aren't feeling well... food poisoning is no one's friend. I know this. But I can't help but feel that this might be some kind of karmic backlash on you for ripping on all anime and putting it all on the dogshit level of Pokemon. Now, I think those little critters are about as interesting as counting the dandruff in Carson Daly's overgreased hair, but not all anime in Pokemon, Uncle Bob. Some of it can be appreciated as an art form, and goes right over the heads of little kids. Perfect Blue, for example, is a gritty and Hitchcockian thriller that plays with your brain in ways that make the Pool Goddess' antics look like child's play. Now, I'm not saying everyone has to love anime (although I do, and I don't consider myself socially retarded... just slightly socially inept), but please don't drag all anime to the level of Pokemon or any of that totally Americanized crap. Japanese animation is best appreciated in Japansese, darn it, and if you can show me an American child of Pokemon age who can speak and understand that language and watches anime without subtitles that isn't Pokemon at that age, I will be so impressed I will stick my head between my legs and kiss my own ass. *gets off soapbox*
from rekhodiah :
Other than the food poisoning and the sucky LARP, it wasn't half bad.
from jenne1017 :
it was horrible. I was cooped up in the apartment all weekend. And like you, I don't remember any of it. I was on some potent drugs. But thanks for asking.
from vikanda :
Thank you, thank you for adding me to your army, Uncle Bob! You really need to publish your work. Have a good one.
from rekhodiah :
Thanks for keeping me in the Army, even if Rekhodiah is in torpor. Now, I suck at math, but according to my calculations... you rawk. My socks are officially rawked. Shine on with pride, Uncle Bob!
from cianne :
good job, uncle bob! i hope your subwoofer is all you dreamed it would be. but i must ask, what the hell possesses you to be up so early in the morning???
from rkr :
Hey, well so far I've only read your profile page but I like the cut of your jib ( not every day I get to use that phrase). I too dig Mick Foley (and no it doesn't make you a geek). Also I think Mulholland Drive rocked, and yes internet shennanigans for me too (Shennanigans huh? impressed myself with that one. Probably spelt wrong though). Well onto the diary.
from panjandrum :
Um, not to be a whiner because I think it's great just to be in the army. BUT Panjandrum is one word. It's a stupid word, but its all one word. Thanks
from unadopechica :
Uncle Bob, you quote Cold Play tunes in your title? They're TERRIBLE!!! Damn whiners.
from rekhodiah :
I'm no puckwad. Well, not anymore, anyway. By the way, God called. He said not to worry, He's been in the biz for, oh, a couple thousand years, He knows what He's doing. There shouldn't be any problems. ;)
from cbrks12 :
I used to read your recaps for Ed on TWOP. When they decided to stop Ed recaps, I searched and found this site. I'm so glad I did...because you rawk!
from finglunatic :
Unky Bob, I've been reading you sporadically over the months I've been in d-land and ALWAYS found you quite prolific and amusing! However, today, you really struck a nerve--not a bad one either--I cannot contain myself with this and had to share with you! You are the ONLY person, outside of my family, who knows what "the happy squirts" are. . .the little pee-in-your-pants-from-excitement that you've mentioned several times in this entry--OMG, I thought I would spew Diet Coke on my 'puter screen. Please add my name to The Troops!! BTW, my diary is locked because we have a psychopath loose amongst our "group"--I believe you know JV, so if you care to read my thoughts (or my diary, for that matter), let JV know and I will get a password set up for you. Otherwise, I look forward to your future writings!! Sincerely, A Fan
from jaysez :
I feel your pain with the ant invasion you're enduring, I've had a similar problem in my apartment. The traps will help get rid of the ants already INSIDE, obviously, but the key is to keep them from getting in from the start. If there's a Home Depot near you, you may want to check their insecticide section for a jug of Ortho 6-month ant-killer 'potion'. Comes in a green bottle, complete with an extension hose and application spray nozzle. WalMart or Target may carry it, but I happened to find my recent bottle at Home Depot... You can use it for inside application, too, but spraying it around your house's foundation, doorjambs and windows (the ones you can reach from outside, don't need you falling off a ladder!) a couple of times per year will help stymie the onslaught of crawlies. This stuff WORKS! Haven't seen a single ant in or around my place ever since... -Jaysez who has a D-land account, but hasn't setup an official page yet...
from sweetphatty :
have you always had a notify list? its weird because someone just asked me if i had one on my site so i just recently put one up.. and i never noticed the people who had the list or whatever.. just curious
from rekhodiah :
Ain't nothing wrong with porn. Or fantasy role-playing games for that matter. But when I'm in someone else's house, I sure as hell don't surf for porn or try to drag everyone into a rousing game of D&D. Dammit, I'm a guest, and I'm gonna act like one. Sure, I've learned the hard way to do so, but I think the younger you learn how to act when you're in someone else's home, the better. The boy needs a whuppin', Uncle Bob. That, or force him to watch GAY porn. Heh. *drools over the DVD player*
from contours :
The DVD player I bought at Walmart for $63 has that same JPEG file playing feature.
from chromemm :
Hey personally I see your point about getting rid of the dog. I'd be the same if I was in your shoes. So you want to do it and not come across as a heartless asshole huh. Well, I got an idea for you. I don't know about where you are from, but there are farms-o-plenty around here. Have you thought of going to a few of these farms and telling them your predictment in hopes they take the dog off your hands? If that doesn't work, or you just don't want to go from farm to farm hoping someone takes an old, smelly ass dog. Make a bunch of fliers with her picture on it, "free, old, loving dog needs a new home". It wouldn't hurt to give that a shot and at most its gonna cost you is some time and some ink and paper.
from redkate96 :
Buy her a crate. She can howl all she wants, but she'll be inside so it won't be like out in the yard. She can't chew through it, she can tear it up but not the walls, etc. Might find a good one cheap at a garage sale.
from ash-lynn2002 :
Its that crazy igloo living canadian girl again... I think you are totally right about your dog. yes she may be loved very much but she cant go around destroying things all the time. But if you are going to get rid of her at least try to give her to someone rather then put her down.. it will make all those sensitive people out there feel better about themselves to know that some guy they dont even know saved a dogs life just for them..pfft.. luv ya unkie bob.. come see me soon!
from libby-lee-d :
Breaking my history as a lurker (and Uncle Bob fan) to throw my two cents in for crating! We have a 1.5 year old hound who has eaten 5-6 holes in sheetrock in various places in the house, some of the molding in the windows plus peed in every room of the house when we moved in. Well, she was bored by herself and insecure in the new house. We started crating - after a few weeks of whining - she is used to it - she even goes there to get away from the kids now (maybe I could get a crate too!) Uncle Bob - everyone has to do what is best for their situation but I guess so many of us feel so passionately about this becuse when we get dogs we are opening our homes, hearts and families to them - and they do feel like children. Try the crate! Pop Andrew in the stroller and walk him and Maggie around the block for a little exercise. If that doesnt work - send her on up I-85 to us in Auburn - we can always find a little more room in our heart and home to help a sweet old girl live out her last years.
from missvile-nce :
*BIG HUGE HUG FOR THE UNCLE BOBMEISTER* the first few weeks will be rough but hang in there, everything will be fine in your sexy new home. =) Don't stress out or you'll end up like my mom!$@#)(%#$)% <3 <3 <3 <3 love always me ;)
from frank :
Uh, Meat, not meant. wtf is meant? woot!
from frank :
Also, you people asking if he'd give Andrew away if he puked on the carpet? You're crazy if you equate doglife with peoplelife. You bunch of hypocrites probably eat meant, too. Ya fucks.
from frank :
Take the dog to a different pound. Just say, "We found this dog." Hand her over and walk out. :) When I was a kid, we had a dog who tore up doors and would poo right in front of doors where you were sure to step right in it. Got rid of 'er and never looked back. Don't feel bad, Bob. :D Happy Bob!
from genibee :
Try crating. The vet I used to work for always recomended it, and it does work, although she may not be thrilled with it at first. However, the worst would be some crying, as opposed to her peeing on the carpets and destroying things. If not, and if she's incontinent due to her age, and not just to the stress of moving, you may have to just put her to sleep. If your vet won't, get a second opinion. Quality of life is the benchmark my vet always went by - both for the dog and the owner. If she truly isn't doing well, just put her to sleep humanely, rather than subjecting her to the confusion and fear that taking her to the pound would bring on.
from sintimate :
Sorry, but there's no excuse to take her to the pound or have her put down when there are OBVIOUSLY people on here that would love to take her and love her. Why don't you see just how many people are actually serious about that, find someone close, MAKE SURE they seem like good people that are sincere, and let her LIVE OUT and ENJOY her last years. Someone that doesn't give wood, bricks and a marble shower more value than a life.
from sunny71 :
UB, check this out...http://www.k9web.com/dog-faqs/crating.html I agree crating is the way to go, dogs actually learn to feel safe in thier crates and they learn to love them. It is alot less hassle for owner and les stress for dogs.
from ninja :
My puppy tore my place apart for abou six months, causing thousands of dollars in damage to two different apartments... Finally though, she doesn't tear stuff up so bad... We're moving into a NEW house really soon also, and I really hope that I don't have the problems that you've been having. ;) Hope she gets better so you don't have to kill her. ;)
from herkinerf :
Bob...We have 2 large and rambunctious dogs who LOVE to destroy our home. I have daily tugs o' war with them to get my bras, socks and underwear back. They've torn up half our kitchen floor and ate, yes ATE half of a very expensive coffee table. But we found the trick. It's called Crating. I used to be violently against it. Now I am the champion of crating. It's like a home for the dog. Safety for them, intact house for you. They stay in it during the day while you're gone and at night, if you choose. Give it a shot. She sounds like a scared, insecure dog and this may just offer the security that she seems to be craving.
from klcroft :
I actually almost started to cry. Damn you! :)I hope all goes okay with pups. Good luck with it all.
from abwhite :
If you ever want to get rid of Maggie, you just drive her down to New Orleans and give her to me! There is no reason an animal who has given her family so many loving years should have to spend her final hours in the pound!
from sweetphatty :
damn who would know you choosing to adopt/kill a dog or whatever would be such a big deal on your notes... i say do what you want. its your dog
from cianne :
thank god for the girl at the pound! if the kid pukes on the carpet, are you going to give him away too? i love your diary, you're a funny man. but sending your dog to the pound over some pee on the new carpet is pretty evil.
from dorei :
When you choose to "adopt" an animal, you should be man enough to keep it until the end. If you don't want the dog anymore, bring her to the vet for a shot and get it over with. You and your family are the only thing the dog has ever known and taking her from that and just dropping her somewhere were she doesn't know anyone is just cruel. Also, she would never have a change of getting a new owner, which means that she would eventually be put down anyway. So either deal with her peeing or have her put to sleep so she doesn't have to go through a horrible time in the asylum. Just some ideas here, but have you ever thought about keeping her in one room ? Or build a dog-house/kennel for her outside where it doesn't matter that she pees ? How about taking her to a vet and have her checked out ? Have you ever thought about the fact that there could be something medically wrong with her ? Also, a dog relates to the moods of its owners so it could very well be that the stress over the moving in the past few months could be the cause of her peeing. Use your brains and heart, ok...I know you have them, because I have been reading your diary almost from the start and always enjoyed it very much.
from queenmab95 :
I'm so glad you kept Maggie! I hope everything works out with her!
from cestelle :
Hi Uncle Bob! I absolutely love your diary and have been reading for several months, now. I have gotten my husband hooked as well. Keep up the good work and have a lot of fun in your new home. I wanted to touch base because I'm a vet, and for the free advice your about to get, take it for what it's worth. I see a lot of older female dogs who have urinary tract issues because they are incontinent. If this is the case, a hormone replacement (DES, a capsule given once weekly) can often help. So can phenylpropanolamine - used to be used as a nasal decongestant in people but works great for incontinence in dogs. She might have a bladder infection as well - stress can lead to infections in dogs just like people. A urinalysis can tell if this is the case. If it checks out ok (and yes, you will have to spend a little money at the vet's - most vets will let you drop off a sample without having to pay for an office visit) then you know it's behavioral. In that case, a lot of dogs respond well to retraining (just do what you did when she was a puppy, whether it was kennel training, etc...). The dog door, of course, is a great answer in this case since she can just go out when she needs to. Sorry I rambled on a lot there, I tend to get wordy when doing vet explanations. Feel free to email me with questions and good luck with your new home. Note: I love my little bissel to keep the carpet clean - it works well for baby stains as well as pet stains!!
from sintimate :
My God, how many times are you going to think about snatching that poor dog away from everything and everyone she's ever known before you actually go through with it. After all these years, is she not like a family member to you??!! What if Andrew peed on the new carpet? Off to the adoption agency with him? Hell, I don't even know the dog and I'm attached to her, and am sitting here crying thinking how traumatic that would be for her. I know you have a heart, so use it. So is the new Bissel going to be the magical cure? What if she does something else that annoys you that Mr. Bissel can't fix, huh? I have read your diary and laughed my ass off for somewhere around a year now. This Maggie business is seriously making me lose respect for you though. Not that it matters, I'm sure. I don't care how NEW or EXPENSIVE something is, I would never give it more value than a pet's (or any animal's) life. And if I didn't already have a houseful of cats that my boyfriend and I love like our own children, and would NEVER let anything happen to, I'd take the dog myself. I feel sorry for her....having to walk around on eggshells all the time. Next wrong move may cost her her life.
from theotherchad :
That was nice of you and the wife to give the dog a second chance. Reserve the right to kick the shit out of her if she keeps it up, though. The dog, not the wife.
from ladyirony :
Awwwwww... you made the right decision Uncle Bob. :) I'm proud of you. ^_^
from cassiopeia- :
You did the right thing. Guilt for a woman is the worst thing ever, and Susie would have needed therapy I bet. Maggie thanks you too.
from angelinlimbo :
Yay UB! I'm glad Mags is staying in tu familia. Pounds do as much good as they do bad...poor little pupperdups in jail. :( And congratulations on the new homestead...it looks beautiful and you deserve it, no doubt. I have to make a confession, I read your diary every morning at work and I laugh almost everytime...damn you, for being so addictively funny. If I'm pink-slipped, I'm blaming you! hehe...take care, man. :)
from margynz :
OK, so now I know to NEVER EVER EVER eat an egg sandwich again while reading Uncle Bob!!
from pimpshack :
the last time you updated your Army was about 2 months ago
from supernigger :
where's the exit
from love-in-vein :
You know...after reading the comment about McDonald's workers, I felt mildly insulted, because I work there. But then again, you're Uncle Bob. And you live in Alabama. If ever you're in PA, I'll make sure they don't spit on your hamburgers :) And a word of advice-in the future, if you decide to eat at McHellhole's, you're better off with the drive-thru, no matter how long the line of cars, especially during lunch and dinner. Those orders usually go out faster. Take care. -Mel-
from ladyirony :
Uhh... just a thought, but, have you ever tried letting Maggie just be in one room at a time of your new place? Or keeping her on a leash? We did that to my now, seven year old dog, when we first got her and she *never* pisses on anything. Just a thought. :) BTW... yer diary is ADDICTIVE, dammit! ;)
from rekhodiah :
Uncle Bob~ In case you didn't know, my Diaryland is kinda dead. Now, don't go bitchin' at me for going AWOL. I didn't. I just got transfered. You can find my stuff at http://ulicqel_droma.livejournal.com now. And I still read you every day, dang it!! So does the fiancee, she thinks you're awesome and sexy and wants a house just like yours. But she isn't gonna stalk you. I'll tie her down if I have to. Hmmm... bondage... Anyway... just lettin' ya know. Peace.
from jenne1017 :
Happy Moving In Day!!!
from greenwitch :
good luck at your closing and best wishes for the house. Fun in a sick way isn't it, the homeowner thing...bondage or something....
from vegasrocks :
your ears drain into your throat...which is why your son's lung cookies (that is a disturbing term...I like it) are related to the infected ear.
from schleiffen :
Sorry to geek out here, but you can't steal the pay channels on digital cable. I've tried. Your mileage my vary though. In my place of residence, the digital cable works by database activation at the main office. The database keeps a record of which boxes are assigned what and sets filters accordingly. Our two registered digital cable boxes get all the channels. The unregistered does not. =(
from starinajar :
the ear, nose, and throat are all connected somehow (in reference to the great 'why is andrew's chest congested when it's an ear infection?' baffle) yay for highschool health classes.
from cheerbaby12 :
thought you'd like to learn a bit today: dream in German is Traum. :) Just sharing that tidbit.
from jennifus :
Peanut butter on waffles is GOOD... :-) And your house looks nifty.
from runic-rhymes :
Dein Traumhaus ist spitze, Unclebob. And about the peanut butter? You are absolutely right. I'm of the female persuasion, and I just don't like peanut butter unless it happens to be paired with vanilla ice cream, raspberry jelly, or banana slices. That's it. I try and I try to appreciate its wonderfulness, but it simply eludes me.
from theotherchad :
Also, Bob, I find it refreshing to find a single diary entry centered around two of my favorite things, peanut butter and fun bags. Boobs smeared with peanut butter. That's the kind of imagery I got. You have inspired me Uncle Bob.
from theotherchad :
Fun stuff, there Bob. Nice house too. Thanks also for the link to Suck Ass Poems. I wrote a really suck ass poem dedicated to Lynyrd Skynyrd. That was deeply satisfying, lemme tell ya.
from txdaisy :
This is my first time to read your diary---I like:)
from molly-bear :
That is my dream house = Das ist meine Traum Hause. just thought you'd like to know!!
from angeline-is :
The neighborhood looks a bit muddy, UncleBob, but the HOUSE is lovely. You lucky dog, you. *I* want a house now.
from tuluum :
hey UB, you think a penis is a prerequisite for unhealthy PB worship? Look at something I wrote in may ;) http://tuluum.diaryland.com/020530_20.html
from sweetphatty :
hey i just wanted to say that i liked your entry yesterday. it was good how you wrote it and didn't do the ever so popular "i was doing this" when it happened and such...
from why-not-me-2 :
i think you should know that my very female roommate describes peanut butter as "orgasmic." if that's not love of the stuff, than i don't know what is!
from mightybruja :
Hooray! You used the word "breasticles"! Go you! :) Bruja
from krenan :
Uncle Bob? I take absolutely no offense to your peanut butter claim. My Dad made us BLTPB growing up and let me tell you, there's nothing like it. A piece of toast slathered in peanut butter with the bacon next, then the lettuce, the tomato, real mayo and another piece of toast. Uncle Bob, once you go BLTPB you will never go BLT again. Okay, one more PB story. When my Mom would buy the PB my Dad would open it and show us the "smooth". The untouched PB smooth was a huge attraction at our house. Peanut Butter IS a man thing and I am the proud daughter ofa Peanut Butter Man!
from starinajar :
(no offense to rednecks, by the way)
from starinajar :
your house is beautiful. i think what people pay for houses like that in alabama is only the down payment for a house like that in los angeles. eff this, i'm moving to redneckville.
from carebearrave :
i think the army is a great way to actually *see* how many people actually read your diary daily *raises hand* me for one!
from soulepiphany :
KEEP THE ARMY! I am thrilled that I can even in some way be associated with anything congealing with Incredible Unclebobness. Please, please....don't leave me out in the cold, without anything unclebobular to call my own...
from fatjoe :
Way to go, UncleBob. Way. To. Go. That was the best 9/11 entry I've read by far
from tater-fay :
Thanks..that was beautiful (9-11 entry). Just perfect. I'm going to eat BBQ with people I love and talk about farts and nothing else!!
from debsiobhan :
Damn. Who'd have thought you'd be the one that would get me teared up!
from bluenuisance :
Today was my favorite entry of yours EVER. You Rawk.
from natashka :
dude, if the army is a pain, get rid of it! and to answer your previous question, no, the Buckster didn't get all air rage on me, he was very nice. he even got all rockstar schmoozy and threatened to come stay at my house next time they were in town. i'm as happy as a little girl.
from solstice36 :
you should keep the army cause, well, you've got sexy legs *wink*
from goodgirl177 :
You *have* to keep the army! I get lots of hits from it, so it really is serving its purpose!
from vegasrocks :
I will miss the army...I liked to use it as a directory of blogs to read.
from biensoul :
Stay, Army, stay! Good dog! I'm not even listed as an army member (yet), but I do love randomly clicking on a diary after reading Uncle Bob everyday. I've encountered some really great diaries this way, and I know that they're of similar mind and humor as me if they're reading you. Keep the army! *kiss* TubPoop.
from jolieani :
I definitely think you should keep the army going. It's a great starting place for new dlander's.
from chedderfish :
hiya gotcha linked from someone else. neat diary!
from alwaysange :
Keep the Army. It's the only time I'll ever see any "military" action.
from unclebob :
Gulp! Thanks...there went my chances of ever working for them again.
from mistresshell :
Umm,TomatoNation is run by Sarah and Tara owns Hissyfit. So...yeah.
from badgergirl :
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from kelly :
uncle b. All of Colgates Teeth Whitening products are a crock. For real. Once you get past a certain age, you can't change the color of your teeth past a few shades because that is just the way your teeth are. My mom works for my dentist and my aunt is my dental hygienist. I know these things. I kept meaning to warn you off them earlier because that one time you wrote all about using the white strips but I guess i enver got around to it. anyways. if you want whiter teeth, look into veneers. they are more exspensive then the white strip stuff, but are permanent and a lot more attractive. (you can also get vampire fangs if that is your style!) (and one more thing! the whitening stuff only works on young, still forming teeth, which is why teenagers get such great results and adults, sadly, do not) (I think that was the whole point of my note but I typed a lot more then I meant too)
from biensoul :
*bow* Uncle Bob, thank you for the note in my gbook! BTW: As a high school teacher, and I say with certainty that high schoolers are ridiculous. I love them, don't get me wrong, but they're silly. Just wait until your little man gets to be that age... ;) Have a great weekend!
from tiedyed714 :
Well, you know this is what we've all been expecting from you, right?
from how-i-lie :
Hi, I bet you barely get time to read all the notes you must get, but I did want to say something. As a lesbian, with multitudes of gay friends, not one of us were offended by your entry. In fact we were impressed by how you could treat it with humour the way you did. So many people get arsey because they assume straight people can't mention homosexuality without taking the piss. Anyway, keep up the good stuff, Lola x
from argyle-socks :
I recommend you do both, sort of a running dialogue between Alabama cussin' Uncle Bob, and the more prim and proper Uncle Bob....sorry about the word choice, but you catch what I'm throwing. Each Bob could see the same "slice of life" but come away with a different take on it, twice the laughs, but only half the cussin'.
from ninabean :
hiya unclebob! Forget the whitening toothpaste.. what u need is the Crest Strips... not only cuz I'm a crest representative, I'm also a client... ok no i'm not, but seriously -- after usin the strips (they run about 40 bucks for 2 weeks worth), my teeth arent PEARLY gleamin' blindin' white, but they did whiten....
from jenne1017 :
It is 9:24 AM on Friday. Where the heck is the entry? I am dying here! I am in a state of depression this week and only reading your diary...I am not updating either. And I can't even get my UB fix. What IS the world coming to?
from leiascully :
Didn't that happen to Brad F'n Pitt in the diary too? Diarrhea on his wedding day?
from abwhite :
Uncle Bob, BEWARE! You might find this guy http://www.knology.net/~carlos/redneck.htm In your new neighborhood!
from naomibeth :
I could explain why I, personally, am attracted to the occational woman. But I am married (to a man) and find that relationship mostly satisfying. For me, beyond just admiring the female body for its general beauty, the attraction is more of an emotional one than a physical one. I couldn't begin to say whether that is true for lesbians in general. And I really am lost when it comes to gay guys. Really. Lost. I don't get it.
from maddy :
hmmm... I've been sayin' 'sitch' for a while. But you can coin it. *sob*
from bettyalready :
Surpirse = another baby?
from chromemm :
heh shit I just about pissed myself when I read your thing about gay men and penis sizes.......well mostly cause I did a very similiar thing about two weeks ago in my diary.....take a look here http://chromemm.diaryland.com/020822_37.html heh
from lovingmusic :
Hey there! First of all, I gotta say I bet I'm related to you because you sound like every one of my redneck uncles. And I don't mean any offense by that, cuz I guess I'm a redneck too, but reading, I just had like these flashbacks of when I was younger, and "pull-my-finger" jokes, and anyway I just had to let you know that you are so funny. Many of us would love to have a sense of humor like yours, it's priceless, thanks for bringing such much needed humor to my day. I plan to keep up with your diary, keep it up! -Winnie-
from lovingmusic :
Hey there! First of all, I gotta say I bet I'm related to you because you sound like every one of my redneck uncles. And I don't mean any offense by that, cuz I guess I'm a redneck too, but reading, I just had like these flashbacks of when I was younger, and "pull-my-finger" jokes, and anyway I just had to let you know that you are so funny. Many of us would love to have a sense of humor like yours, it's priceless, thanks for bringing such much needed humor to my day. I plan to keep up with your diary, keep it up! -Winnie-
from heathir31 :
hi there...just wanted to drop you a line to say: Your 'diary' is hysterically funny...but you know that. Your kid is as cute as the proverbial button. But you know that too. And last but not least, the concept of the Suck Ass Poem is enjoyable in a twisted, shuddering way. Cheers!
from jenne1017 :
what? because it's a holiday you think you get the day off ;o)
from abwhite :
wallpaper is evil. EVIL!!!!!!!!! Paint is much, much better. When you decide to redecorate, you will rue the day you decided on wallpaper.
from invisibledon :
have a great weekend
from donnac368 :
Thanks again for the fun read. I like your writing style. Felt like I was there, ants and all.
from cmkern3 :
I just saw your site meter - over 600 THOUSAND visitors??????????????????? I've been on diaryland since January and i've had like 400. How DO YOU DO IT??????????? BAH!!!!!!!
from hippie5 :
Ah, yes... Alabama has those hugemongous carpenter ants that can literally pick you up and carry you off. Those are scary as hell, especially in droves. Yuck. :P Maybe those weren't the kind you were talking about though and the exterminators will come and poison the hell out of them pretty soon.
from raversweetie :
our house down in vieques,puerto rico was infested by ants. my sister and i found this out by waking up with thousands of ants running all over us. i annihilated them with 409. for a full week following that night..i killed every thing i saw that moved. my dad started to question whether or not i was on drugs, but he didn't know how it felt to wake up at 3am with your face covered in ants...
from love-in-vein :
Hey UB, me again. I actually just started working at one America's most favourite artery-clogging fast food joints today. And if it really means anything...Happy Meals don't make us happy either. Even less so when you burn yourself on the fecking fry grease. Or some bitchy soccer mom complains that there isn't enough pickle on her son's cheeseburger. And uh...yeah. Take car. -Mel-
from jenne1017 :
everytime I see that picture I say, "AWWWWWW!" Now, how's about posting a father-son pinkeye pic so we can all go, "AWWWWWW!" x2!
from slick45 :
you're not GAY, are you? I mean, cuz if you were GAY. . .
from plankton :
Suggestion: Wash all the towels and sheets in hot water now. That pink eye spreads itself around happily (which is more than I can say for its victims.)
from witchmedic :
ARGH - I can't believe that stupid pharmarcist. You should go back and find HIS supervisor or the store manager and complain to them about him being such an ass.
from witchmedic :
ARGH - I can't believe that stupid pharmarcist. You should go back and find HIS supervisor or the store manager and complain to them about him being such an ass.
from marywa :
Use a fingernail brush to scrub your nails for at least a week after Andrew has no more symptoms. Use a lot of soap when you wash your hands. Pink eye is a nightmare for parents. My kids get over it in days, and I've had it for weeks sometimes. Be relentless in keeping those hands clean!
from mightybruja :
Oh my gawd, I have learned not to read your diary at work because well, when one's job is to answer the phone, it's hard to speak coherently when lauging your ass off. I dig your diary, dood.
from sunny71 :
not able to "select a city" sorry mattie gee : (
from chromemm :
Seeing as you are a Quentin Tarantino fan. I thought you might be interested in knowing he is currently in the works on a new film called Kill Bill. You can check out some details on here if you are interested.... http://www.lightsoutentertainment.com/cgi-bin/newspro/viewnews.cgi?newsid1030063575,21508, And yes, I conquer on the whole "they must have been ALL stoned" bit. And.........WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT REALLY WASN'T YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!! Damn it...went to Wallmart for nothin.....heh
from catsmeow1224 :
I've been trying to register for the Ozzfest Tickets so your friend can get the guitar, but It wont let me select a city? I can figure out why, so If you find out that it is working again, please drop me a line and tell me so I can do that (strictly for Mattie Gee, because I don't want to go to OzzFest)Thanks
from cindie-loo :
you are too funny and though disfigured, your son is a real cutie pie!!!
from snakey :
I can't believe you made her cry. If she is your friend she probably knew that it was you that called her, and she is playing a prank on you by playing along with the game
from sunny71 :
Why don't you pick Andrew up from the daycare? If the wife is still late.....I dunno.
from catsmeow1224 :
Today is that day where I leave notes in everyone's diary to let them know I care!I hope things go ok for Andrew's healing. Praying he doesn't scar!!! He's still adorable! The story about the Cheerleaders makes me laugh! I have always been anti-cheerleader,and that was beautiful poetic justice!
from cucalifornia :
This will be the first of many for Andrew, get used to it.
from daisyjones :
Andrew is officially ready to turn 2! My son just turned 2 last week and often sports many head traumas. Just a few weeks ago he had one that made Andrew's look like a paper cut. Wait until you get the looks from people who think you did it (these people are not usually parents themselves, by the way). When they ask what happened, I always admit beating the boy. I have 2 other older children, so I've been down this road many times. Welcome to the wonderful world of toddler-hood!
from klcroft :
Uncle Bob, you need to chill! :) Have a cold one or something. Hope your weekend is better.
from dailysins :
Whoa, don't sweat the small stuff.. your poor wife was only 20 minutes late.. worse things have happened :)
from near-sighted :
i do enjoy your diary. thought i'd let you know!
from jenne1017 :
With the whole color of the paint being different thing: Rememebr that you will also have stuff up on the walls that will counteract it's peachyness. I painted a mural back in college. The background color was a peachy red. And the people living outside the wall complained about the peachy glare. That was, until the mrual was actually pained and finished, and everyone loved it. So yeah -- hanging stuff on the wall will make it less peachy.
from joeypea :
Are you sure your wife really isn't doing the Pool Goddess?!
from tosborne :
You show why parents often deserve preferential treatment, the responsibilities for another life (or several other lives) is 100% constant, sometimes it's all just too much and therefore you deserve big breaks whenever possible. I think your wife must be very stressed about something, or lots of things. The house, although wonderful in the long run, is probably one the most stressful things going for both of you. How does one deal with all that, what escape is possible? I think I understand how she is acting...she's not being irresponsible, she's just being overwhelmed and doesn't know how to express it verbally.
from bracha :
I think its great that you went and picked the wallpaper out yourself. Most (straight) guys would have NEVER been able to deal with that, let alone pick out something normal. You should have brought a sample of the orgasmic wallpaper home just to physc her out! You deserve a at minimum a day off and a BEER.
from wendyloo :
Hey? Things sound pretty tense there. Really I hope everything is ok. I won't go onto guessing what could be the cause of your worries but I sure hope it gets better.
from jenne1017 :
yesterday musta been fights from hell night. KiKi and I had a huge blowout. I am lucky to read you because all that stuff you wrote? IT was all KiKi (and how I felt about her then and there). Except I got into a funk not over wallpaper (which IS the bigger deal) but because I work hard all day long only to come home to a house she's been in all day -- and it looks as though a few crackheads live there. You know, that "lived in because there is shit everywhere" look. Ugh. Ok thanks for letting me vent. Luckily, I didn't eMail this to ya
from grrl-friday :
uncle bob, when i was four and in daycare, my mom forgot to pick me up once. she was in contract negotiations with the president of a big company. the meeting started at 2:00pm. apparently the guy with whom she was to negotiate waltzed in with his lawyer at 2:30, not even having read the contract yet. at 4:30, they were still reading the contract. at 5:00, they had just started the preliminaries. at 6:00, my mom went "HOLY SHIT! IT'S SIX O'CLOCK! I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY BABY!" because the daycare workers had to call her and REMIND her. and she promptly chewed the guy out for being such a time-wasting, disrespectful buttwipe and basically freaked the hell out all over him and told him that she would refuse to sign the contract unless he ponied up an extra couple of grand as a "signing bonus" and then sign the damn thing RIGHT NOW. he did, and they signed. i got sent home in a cab. kids are like, the best excuse in the world. if i had kids, i'd be all over the "it's 5:00! i have to leave RIGHT NOW and pick them up! what? you want me to donate another hour of my precious time to YOU, and deny my children my loving warmth? you heartless, spermless bastard! you don't pay me enough!"
from orangepulp :
If you're having such a problem keeping YOUR credit rating up why don't YOU pay YOUR bills YOURSELF? Maybe the Mrs. is trying to tell you something.
from tosborne :
What I always say is "my dog got into and ate a whole bag of rat poison and had no ill effect, but chocolate, apparently, will kill a dog," so what is medical research on animals going to REALLY tell us, anyway? Not cure Muscular Distrophy, that's for sure. Since I know you want your generous giving to really do good, I'd investigate what "Jerry" and his ilk is really doing with that money that you give them. Medical researchers really are no better people than Bob the builder...in fact, many of them (virtually all of them) would put the Nazi doctor Mengele to shame.
from shister :
UncleBob: This is shister. I am in need of a new template and freakin h8 the ones that diaryland has to offer. Problem is, I don't know html! Can you get me a bit o help? Shister Ps: Did the MIL finally realize that get rich quick don't work?
from hippiegirl1 :
Hi, I love your diary and I think you're really funny. Plus you have a great layout!! Would you mind if I out you on my favourite diary lists?
from flintywoman :
Uncle Bob, first of all, I love you. Secondly, two thumbs up for knowing and enjoying Bob Greene and Hunter S. Thompson. I've just started a new diary project, and you are the first person I added to my favo[u]rites list. Keep it rockin' old man. (=
from cynicchick :
My little brother watches the Wiggles, too, and I find it hard to get, "Captain Feathersword loves to dance; He will show you how," out of my head.
from tosborne :
Yeah, my Apex will play any region's DVDs, not just US, and unscrambles the scrambling feature so I can dupe 'em if I want. Didn't cost less than $100, though.
from shannette :
I just want to know what uber is Lol you have a link there for it What is that......
from naomibeth :
another thing to watch for - make sure they sweep the floor before laying the carpet. I've heard more than one instance of people finding lumps in the carpet and learning they just laid it over whatever construction mess was there.
from chromemm :
crap......I'm so confused! Who is who....WHO IS WHO!!!! Christ....has the senilety already kicked in?!?..........Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing in my house??? ...heh
from araina-is :
hiya! i saw ur journal entry about ur BIL... i feel afraid for the pool goddess too, but ur line..."Something strange is afoot at the Circle K" sent me into reels of laughter! Bill and Ted Rock!!!!
from sweetphatty :
I swear when you said "You've GOT to see this. Your brother is macking on the Pool Goddess!" I was just laughing hysterically. That was one funnier than hell entry there.
from lifeisaspoon :
Please Uncle Bob, I want to be in your awesome army! Please?
from lbs-be-gone :
Uncle Bob, is this one of the entries that were going to be written for you ? For some reason it just doesn't strike me as you. Am I right ? Do I get a prize ? It still kicked ass ! GO BIL !!!!!
from udders :
BIL and the pool goddess! you've got to be making this up. that is so classic. i am laughing so hard.
from amoonda :
Woah... I went to your diary cuz you're on one of my pals lists... Your thingamajig has got to be one of the best I've ever seen!! A feel like a teeny-bopper.... OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!! IT'S HIM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Can I have your autograph?
from bitchorama :
Another Southerner, yee-haw. I dig your blog. You're on my list now. Thanks for the laughs, Uncle Bob.
from mandypandy83 :
For you: http://favediaries.diaryland.com/020810_79.html
from klcroft :
You are funny as hell in a coffee table book writer kinda way.
from pimpshack :
http://pimpshack.diaryland.com/demands.html Lemme know what you guys think.
from abwhite :
You tell those lazy, screw-up, builder ass-holes! You diary is a real education for me. Someday, when my husband and I can buy a house I'll look back at all I've learned and silently thank you!
from wienermom :
Go Uncle Bob! My husband works in home construction, and I know how the builders try to cut corners all the time. You really have to stand up to them. I guess a lot of people don't. But if you paid for it, you should have it. Make sure your walls are square and plumb, too. And check the doors and windows when they put them in. Sometimes they get lazy and leave big gaps.
from shannette :
I hope when I build my dream house I never have the same problem you are. Geez I thought it was so easy and this seems like hell.
from sillyred :
UB- you are not an ass, you are a home buyer and you get what you want.... you keep up the good work, stay on their asses until you get those controls and no, don't you DARE PAY FOR THE SECOND ONE!
from azure-bijou :
I hate you...you have a marble shower and 2 shower heads...ok so you don't have two controls yet, but you'll get them...and I'm jealous, very, very jealous...can see a photo of the marble shower?
from catsmeow1224 :
I love reading your diary. It cracks me up every time I read it!
from lucasmommy :
Seriously,what you are experiencing is callled "building a house in the South." It sucks ass. I've BTDT & I never want to do it again--worthless, cheap, lying, sons of bitches.
from tosborne :
You'll win on that shower thing, not only because you are RIGHT, but because you are a pit bull.
from trinity63 :
UC - That 20 year old kid who creeps you out, was someone's child, brother, uncle, and friend. You know, I pick on folks just like you, all in fun, but when it comes to death, let's not make fun. Unless you have lost a child, you won't ever understand the pain. I have lost two children, and it's horrible. So maybe this little 20 year old Josh freaked you out, and had the face only a mother could love, but UC -- you know and I know how we'd feel if we lost our precious boys. Love, Trin
from roadiepig :
I'm with you- that 20-year-old actor who played children in movies and t.v. creeped me out, too...oh yeah, and DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR!.......
from shannette :
How do I join your army. I read your diary everyday and I lvoe it I have you linkedon my page because I think everyone should join yor army.
from tosborne :
Which just goes to show that television is the American equivalent of a Guatemalan Circus Sideshow. And Creepy Pipe Guy is the one knocking at your door.
from soulepiphany :
Another thing those against legalization do not think of is the fact that should drugs be made legal, the amount of impure dirty drugs would be radically cut, and drugs can be administered in controlled hopsital settings in order to wean addicts into recovery. Legalization is not a means of getting more people shooting up in dark alleyways with dirty needles...it is a means of creating the oppurtunity to safely curb such behavior. I wish people would pull their heads out of their ignorant archaic asses. ~sara
from abwhite :
You rock. I'm putting you on my favorites list! About the nose picking. The pinky is small enough to get th those hard to reach places and is the finger most likely to have an unsnagged nail, so you don't get the boog stuck on your finger!
from jenne1017 :
YOU WERE RIGHT!! I am watching now. I hate it that Dorothy won tho.
from naomibeth :
See, you pick your teeth with your index finger. And the middle, thumb, and ring finger are too big to fit in your nose. So unless you want to pick your nose and your teeth with the same finger, your pinky is the only option. Or so I've heard. But you didn't hear it from me.
from tiggerfly :
Hey Uncle B i don't think you ever told us about the Hairtest you gave your nephew...did it work? sincerely one of your biggest fans
from jendra :
Heather so is the Mole!
from runic-rhymes :
Uncle Bob, you have the world's cutest kid. Went through his photo album today and "awwwwwed" more than any human being should be allowed to. He's got the mischievous "guess what I'm up to" look down pat.
from workskipper :
I just wanted to let you know I completely agree with your rant about the war on drugs. What the government IS accomplishing is to keep the prices up. Also, what is this "Just Say No" bullshit? I know this is a waste of time and money. Your a good read Bob....keep me amused. Workskipper
from shister :
Unclebob: Shister here. I was debating whether or not to continue writing my other diaryland site, (Fictional site) and thought: Maybe I could get unclebob's opinion of it. If it's good enough, ya might consider putting it in ur army? the url is http://elapang.diaryland.com Final verdict, keep or dump?
from lostplatypus :
Love your stuff! I caught Anna Nicole's show, too. Whoa! Seriously scary. Could those boobs have come out of that "top" any further? Did you notice that she kept eating out of people's refrigerators? I'm watching next week, too.
from brokenb4him :
Well Bob, You missed Andrew WK on Friday night in b-ham. and Must I tell you it was amazing stage dives & hi-fives the whole time. crowd surphing and head walking the whole time
from tygerchild :
Jeeezus, Uncle Bob. It should be a crime to have a boy that cute. If you look deep into those dimples, would you see China?
from blisy :
I totally forgot that you have this website! I loved your poolside story...I was in a horrible mood and you made me laugh so hard! I felt like saying TITS! ;-) Steph
from blinkincows5 :
hey unclebob, nice diary
from poethekitten :
how would i send you music to jive to?
from queenmab95 :
I completely agree with you on the whole drug war issue. It's stupid, and it's a waste of time.
from chromemm :
So how do I answer this question without sounding like a kiss ass or someone who doesn't see the futility of the drug war.....oh yes, I'll just say it how I have been for quite awhile.......drug wars are bad, mmmkay.
from sulla :
I completely agree with you on the legalising drugs thing. One of my best friends is on drugs at the moment, but I can't tell anyone because he would get in HEAPS of trouble, but if it were legal then I know he would be more likely to get help. As to the taking drugs, like you said, people will take drugs whether they're legal or not. Look at prohibition in the 20's. Didn't stop people drinking then. Sulla :)
from jendra :
Power to ya, Uncle Bob :D
from jaim-o :
U.B. I couldn't agree more with you about the legalization of some drugs. I don't know that we should open the door to every illegal substance under the sun (do we really want to be able to buy crack at the 7-11?) but I sincerely believe that legalizing marijuana would both stop otherwise law abiding citizens from going to prison and create more revenue in the form of "sin taxes." The truth is that I don't terribly much like people who smoke pot. In my experience they are able to spout off ad nauseum about the herb being the end-all-be-all and the answer to world peace, while simultaneously sitting in a den of their own filth and sloth (brought on by said herb) feebly masked by the scent of insense and patchouli. But if that's what floats their boats, good for them. They're not hurting anybody. As for the people who go nuts on drugs I say that there are just as many people who turn in to unproductive members of society because of alcohol, cigarrettes and gambling, and we're still taxing the shit out of those brain-donors. The bottom line is that some people are morons. They will self-destruct given half a chance whether drugs are leagal or not. Should the fact that most people don't use the brains to good lord gave them in their daily lives result in billions of dollars worth of expenditures by our government to essentialy maintain the status quo? I say no.
from panjandrum :
You honestly really do have a point on the whole drug thing. I agree. Case in point: How many people are alcoholics in a world where alcohol is legal? I say legalize marijuana and put the saved money where it can be put to better use.
from naomibeth :
I agree on the drug thing. Especially marijuana. Even putting people in prison doesn't keep them from getting all the drugs they want. You know, the only way I can spell marijuana is by sounding it out in my head as mary-ju-wanna.
from plasticandy :
It totally agree. We'll never be able to be a drug-free nation. Besides, pot isn't really a drug. It leads to carpentry (for interesting bongs) and good music.
from boynurse :
Just wanted to say I totally agree with you that drugs should be legalized. And that's it. Yeah.
from starinajar :
i think you're absolutely right.
from grrl-friday :
i live in vancouver, bc, and while pot's not legal here, the federal justice minister has recently announced that he's interested in the decriminalization of marijuana. in bc, the drug trade (weed, specifically) generates billions of dollars, and in a province where our natural resource industry is in huge trouble and the kids can't afford the schools for the high-tech jobs, these baby steps towards the legalization (which is SO different from "decriminalization") are GREAT. furthermore, it's weed - not heroin, cocaine, LSD, or even mushrooms. it's weed, and i'd be way prouder of a joint a day than a bottle of wine or a pack of cigarettes. in real life on the streets around here, a police officer will usually just take the stuff away or make you flush it. right now it's cheaper to buy a bag of weed than go to the movies or the local amusement park. to everyone who's crying about the junkie in their life: it's your life, and your values.
from solstice36 :
i agree with you 100% on legalizing drugs.
from fallonme :
Just wanted to say that I couldn't agree with you more about legalizing drugs. This whole war thing is a giant mistake and waste of good money.
from klcroft :
But if the madness meant we could all live like they do in the MadMax movies...then that would be alright with me cause that would be cool.
from klcroft :
Obviously I am the only one who feels the way I do. I suppose it is because I was tramatized as a kid and almost died a few times. I suppose that was no big deal. I am not stupid...I know that my child would even more than likely try something if given the opportunity when they got old enough to do it. You all say that people are gonna do what ever the hell they want to regardless of it being legal or not. I agree. I guess I am just coming from the stand point of being the person who has to be around the addict for life. I am coming from the standpoint of being the one who ends up paying for hospital bills and rehab because the fucked up one doesn't know any better. I am the one who ends up having to pay for THEIR basic needs in life because they cannot do it themselves. So, yeah, I guess I am just a little bit bitter. I guess that is why I am on the fence about it. I just don't want to have anyone else I know die because they were coming home from school and they were hit my a drunk driver, or shot to death trying to do what is right or see anymore children go through what my sisters and I and kids everywhere are already going through. I am trying to understand you and see your point, but I just cannot. You also have to understand that there are a lot of poeple in the world who are born with the IQ's of horseshit and would really fuck up the whole system you are all so desperate to have. It could end up being just madness. At the same time, it would help the economy. The government would just figure out a new way to screw us. :) I do think that it is possible for it to not be so glamorous if it were freely available. Maybe some would stop, I dunno. I still think it would be wrong. See, that is the great thing about this, though. We are all allowed to have our own opinions and thoughts. I am trying to be serious here and I just keep seeing the little south park character in my head.... Towelie. "You wanna get HHIIIGGGHHHHH?" It makes me not be able to write anything serious from this point on...
from skibigsky :
I absolutely agree with legalizing drugs. People will abuse them whether they are legal or not - at least this way they can ensure that they are NOT getting rat poison with their Doritos. And the government can use the money to go after rapists, murderers, and child abusers.
from jenne1017 :
Alcohol is legal, and it is abused. Ruins people's lives even. As does tobacco. Again, legal. Why not legalize drugs. They are just as bad for you and they we can control population growth as well. Not a bad idea!
from shado :
I absolutely agree with your stance on legalization of drugs. There is NO sense in keeping them illegal. It hasn't worked, ever. Even when they made alcohol illegal...people still found ways of getting it. And just like alcohol, even though some people will abuse it, get addicted to it and may die from it...people still like to do them. Maybe if we tell the government they can tax us for buying drugs, maybe then they'll agree to legalize it!
from raversweetie :
i agree wholeheartedly with everything you've had to say about the legalization of drugs. the only way to help the people that *are* addicted is to make it so they aren't scared to come forward to get help. plus, if drugs were legalized the govt could just tax the fuck out of them and i *know* that would deter some users. i mean hell, they just raised the cigarette prices in boston 30 cents and i already know 15-20 people that are quitting..
from tosborne :
I agree with you 100%--legalize drugs. And not because I use 'em (I don't), but for all the reasons you said, and more. Loved the Andrew pictures, especially walking with Daddy to church. And why can't Pervy see the Playboy if he's that curious? Do you have to be 18 or something? Well, along with legalizing the drugs, I say legalize the Playboy for 14 year olds--or anybody who is interested. If they're too young, they don't care, and if they do care, they're old enough to learn.
from dumbmonkey :
ub what happened to the link to join the army?
from blowsteam :
I read somewhere (the Wall Street Journal I think) that approximately 3% of the general population were addicted to drugs when they were legal. 100 years and untold billions of wasted dollars later, 3% of the general population are addicted to drugs. The hardcore addict population remains stable over the years, with those that kill themselves being replaced by eager new volunteers. I have always thought that one reason drugs were kept illegal was that there is no roadside sobriety test for THC, cocaine, LSD, etc. If you join NORML, your name will end up on a list somewhere, and it won't just be the membership list at NORML Central. Most everybody with good logical and deductive skills support them; however, they are also smart enough to know that joining them would be like joining the Communists in the 1930's. Chic, but ultimately self defeating (and stupid). Trust me, I'm on a bad Government list, and once you go on, you NEVER come off. As Mr. Food's cajun culinary cousin would tell you, "Ahh garrounteee!"
from klcroft :
I find myself being upset about something you said.... I disagree that drugs should be legalized. I grew up with an extremely abusive (and fuckin' crazy I might add) mother. She didn't care what color, what consistensy or what size it was...if she could ingest it, she would do whatever she could to get her hands on it. Even if that meant her kids didn't eat for a few days. When she would take these magical little things, she would do crazy shit like think she could fly, and lock herself in small rooms and throw herself against walls. I can honestly say that my sisters and I were raised by ourselves she was gone so much. My point is, she was addicted(and still is)to stuff that made her forget about the children she had. Not only that, she KEPT having children and they are all fucked up and being raised by their older sisters because my stupid mother smoked so much herb, she thought graduation was at eighth grade. Another case and point.....several months ago, a friend who happened to be a police officer was shot and killed by someone whacked out of their damn mind. He was a twenty year old "good" student at a local college. They were in the middle of a test and he just flipped and started talking to god or some shit like that. Evidentaly , he was fucked up enough for the police to come and take him to the hospital for a freakin' head check. Once at the hospital, he was strong enough to escape from his family in his hospital room and fight off the officer on guard. He ran away from the hospital and they put out a bulletin for him. Our friend, Julie, was patroling on her own and found the guy walking the streets. She got out and tried to deal with this guy but he was so out of it from the drugs, he was angry and violent. He somehow managed to hit her and knock her to the ground on her back. HE grabbed her gun and shot her to death. She was shot over seven times. What a horrible thing...to lose a loved one like that all because of some goddamn punk who is on something. I just wanted to say I disagree and give you a few reasons why. It doesn't mean I think you are a bad person or anything. You know, opinions are like assholes and everybody has one and I totally respect you having yours. I just wanted to get that off my chest cause I would have been upset about it all day. I still think you are a cool mo fo and I'll keep reading ya. I just disagree is all. Have a good one.
from sillyred :
what happened to the hair test?
from eekyfreeky :
Preach it, UB! I wanna go to the grocery store, buy my bag of sugar, a liter of MD 20/20, pack of Marlboro lites, and a spliff or 3! wheee! Yay for addictions!
from fummy-cheese :
I think that before I even read you diary, I sat at my computer changing the colors, over and over... It was the most amazing thing I had seen all day. Then I read your diary, and it was almost as amazing as the switcho-changeo color thingy. You rock my world! Woo ha! Thank you!
from azure-bijou :
I love your diary! That colour thingy is way cool!
from rockergemini :
dude...do you LIVE in Alabama?
from rockergemini :
The girl's name is Mara. I forgot the big mexican girls name. I swear to god you must have been in Alabama, I dont forget the shark souvenir place. Gave me nightmares as a child. i dreamed it ate me and in its stomach I found Steven Tyler. THAT was pretty cool. But then Michael Jackson came along and ruined it all. Dammit. We got out of the shark by going into the shark's nose. Michael Jackson then proceeded to moonwalking in the shark's nostrils. I suppose it made the shark sneeze, because all three of us were then on the concrete with cheap ass souveneirs in our hands. Weird. Anywayz love the diary and maybe you could be a sweetie and visit mine? LOL. Love you. Manda
from a-drifter :
Were you around Orange beach Alabam? Those pics look like familiar places to me, and i went to orange beach for vacation last year.
from kinetix :
Hey Uncle Bob! There are six girls in the sorority house. The scary teeth/caved face one you're thinking of is Amanda, and there are also two girls named Maura (Mara?) and Dede, who you almost never see. The Mexican girl is named Jessica.
from genibee :
I was drinking that Strawbery Shortcake, but with a healthy shot of white chocolate Godiva liquor added to it. Yummers. But then, I like creamy girly drinks. Except for the Southern Comfort addiction, that is...
from pimpshack :
SHAMELESS SELF-ADVERTISING!! THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY IN THIS SQUARE THERE IS A NOTE SO SHALLOW HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT GETTING HIS NAME SPREAD! GOING ONCE.....GOING TWICE....GOING TO HELL!!!!!!
from poked2x :
go join norml bob!!!
from brokenb4him :
Hey Uncle Bob, How far do you Live From birmingham, AL, if you happen to be in the area August 1st -3rd, and you have between 25$ and 65$ you should go shake your ass at Furnace Fest. www.furnacefest.com I'll send this to you in an email so I make sure you get this ttyl John Campbell
from theentourage :
Hey Uncle Bob, am I cool enough to join your army??? You make me laugh, and laughing is really, really important.
from hippie5 :
Your life is anything but boring, isn't it? ;)
from strangerlucy :
Mr. Food is a pervert- yes, yes he must be. I think the abc-chicago female newsanchors are creeped out by him too, judging by their facial expressions- they all look like they have just eaten 6 greasy chilicheese dogs when the camera reeturns to them after Mr. Food's "it's soo gooood" finale.
from sesomatto :
<I can't believe I told my charley horse story.> It's ok. I still remember reading about your really embarrassing "spilling-rather-than-shooting" story on your site. That one's pretty funny, too. =o)
from poked2x :
my uncle has polio. i'm not upset tho
from wienermom :
Yay! I'm glad I'm not the only person in the world annoyed by Mr. Food.
from klcroft :
I want to make you an "ass shaking" cd!
from klcroft :
I like reading your entries a lot.
from andina :
Oh I loathe that asshole on the Subway commericials. I just want to be like "Dude, if want Subway go to fucking Subway, leave the poor guy at the burger joint alone!" But since its a commercial and not real life I can't do that...but still. GRRR.
from shadoweloc :
Hey! During finals week, my suitemate and I played Super Mario World during our off-time and finally beat it. It was the first time for both of us =P
from poethekitten :
i like reading your posts and such but today dairyland sucker punched me into getting an account so i can write you notes now. man i feel for you on the cramped conditions thing. be good- beth
from jillica :
I just noticed your son was wearing UT gear in one of his pictures. ROCK ON! (yeah, I'm a big VOLS fan, buddy!)
from cmkern3 :
On the brighter side of the Angelina/Billy Bob thing - at least this frees her up to date her brother now!! :)
from papparoach :
Hey Uncle B, I think A. J. is as ugly as Billy Bob, the main thing that gets me is those sphincster like lips that she is famous for. You know the ones that look like they've been stuck in someones sweaty ass and gotten all typhoid mary like and swolen up.
from queenmab95 :
His hair doesn't look that bad! It's kinda cute, in fact....
from dmw7 :
I am so feeling your pain, man. I think I would have started killing people, and I respect the self-control that you have that allowed your lovely wife and child to survive the whole experience.
from cmkern3 :
Your entry made me laugh & laugh. I am so like you its scary - I like to get in, get it done, get out. I don't lollygag, I don't think of 5 other things to do while I'm on my way somewhere. Knowing fate the way I do, I'd be willing to bet that every stoplight you encountered was RED no??? :)
from madamefromag :
Uncle Bob you had me laughing my ass off today. My husband is also about as timely as a sickly snail. I say we need to leave at 5:00 to get somewhere on time. He thinks that means that we leave at 5:00, then stop for gas, go through the drive through and hit the sale on Pepsi at Kmart.
from bingoguy :
More Advice from the Unofficial Gambling Expert on Diaryland. Here's a way to enjoy gambling without actually losing any money. Most Casino's want you to gamble, gamble, drink, gamble, drink, gamble, gamble...err you get the idea. But what if you're oblivious to various ways in which to gamble your money away and make some Sheik in a far off country richer than you even more times over? Well, Don't fret. Most, if not all, Casinos offer FREE courses in the various table games. They have various times during the day that they teach people how to play the various games of chance. They even usually let you play the games with play money for awhile so you can get the idea what it feels like to gamble at that game before they let you go forth and actually put your hard earned dollars on the table and have them scoop them away with a "Better luck next time, Chump" gleem in their eye. Attend as many of those as you can and your $100's has gone a long way in your own pocket. Have fun.
from sophetia :
i think you're right ... something about listening to 4:41am song at night ... the whole album is just amazing ...
from andes :
my brother saw moby last year at area one and he said that he was terribly boring.
from wendyloo :
His hair looks fine! YOu made it sound a whole lot worse.
from sillyred :
SINCE WHEN IS ANDREW A VOL FAN? I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL WAREAGLE WITH YOU!
from bingoguy :
Being as I am the unofficial gambling expert, Uncle Bob. I thought I'd give you a few hints on what not to do in a casino. Rule #1. Don't play Slots. They'll tell you that the Slots are set to pay off at some insane percentage. Amercian Casinos this percentage is usually in the mid to high 90's. But the catch is that percentage is based on payoffs on all the machines. This includes the one coin (or equal wager) payoff. There's a WHOLE lot of those that make up the 90 something percent. Your better off to sit down with a Vegas/Casino type program and learn to play Blackjack. If you play following the basic suggested plays you at least have a near 50% chance of actually winning. My Personal favourite is a game called Pai Gow Poker. But one has to understand basic poker hands. It's a push game because it's 7 card two hand poker. You're 5 card hand is your best hand and your two card hand is your second best hand. You have to beat the dealer with both hands to win money but the dealer has to beat both your hands for you to lose money. So you can spend a long time on a table without actually winning or losing money. Although I don't recommend the game since you only plan on gambling $100. I usually buy in on these types of tables with a minimum $100. Happy Gambling. (Don't forget to find out if the Casino offers a Players Points Card.)
from marymine :
Good Mongolian Poodle is all in the way you prepare it.
from thefelineone :
Hey Uncle. Two year olds always have 'tude oozing from their ears. Its called the Terrible Two's and is training for parents whose kids become gang members in later life. Look on the bright side though - if he's hitting the TT's already he must be advanced for his age.
from smgmatt :
I just read your interview. At first I was upset about your remarks about lefties, but then I remembered that you are a right-handed-commie-bastard, and that you and all your RHCB cohorts are still mad because you haven't yet made it to the next stage of evolution. Don't worry, we'll let you live in our society when the next stage of evolution and extinction comes around. Why wouldn't we? We'll definitely need mole-people to work underground to keep up with the maintenance below our cities, and RHCBs are much more plentiful then actual mole-people [moment of silence for the lack of mole-people] these days. In short, love your diary, hate you RHCBs. It's okay though, we can still be friends . . . in the "your name's Toby" sort of way. Keep up the good work! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find a damn pair of scissors that work right. <shameless plug> go to http://smgmatt.diaryland.com/ </shameless plug> - Matt
from g0ddessfreya :
Hey Uncle Bob, I'm from Auburn, although right now I'm in Wisconsin (don't ask.) Does it bother you that I could easily find you and annoy the shit outta you? Maybe one day you'll see a short chica out there taking lessons from the pool goddess and you'll know its me. Or you'll see a new chic hanging out with the gang members down the hall, yeah, you should be paranoid. Haha, you've been pretty open about where you live now you know. (Oh and if you're planning on moving ANYTIME in August, I suggest reserving the Uhaul now, because there won't be one in the whole state. Damn college kids.)
from born2use :
Uncle Bob! I live for your diary! You crack me up!!! Too bad you're married...
from queenmab95 :
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but not all the Trading Spaces guys are straight....anyway, I read your profile and diary and found it cathartic. Don't worry, I talk about my baby girl all the time, too (she's 2 months old). You've convinced me to never, ever try to cut her hair myself. :)
from phatgrrl :
cnn.com took down the story about that kid you were bitching about but I got the gist from you. back in 95 when chat rooms were newer to everyone I had a friend get way too involved in mIRC. One time she told me a story about being in a coffeehouse and some douchebag poured his drink on her and after she slapped him they talked a while and he ended up buying her a Snickers bar. I said that that was pretty fucked up and then asked if she was at Insomnia (a local coffeehouse, my fave) and she said no, she was at #bifemsex.... arg!!! she wasted like a whole half hour of my life!!!!!
from bingoguy :
Have you thought of just shavin the kid bald. I hear it's the RAGE these days. Plus the kid's hair will probably go in a bit thicker the next time. At least, that's what my old man claimed when he saved me bald when I was kid.
from volvogirl :
Uncle Bob, you know you gotta put up a pic of the new haircut!!!
from rubyfuss :
Hilarious! Watch out--people tend to get their panties all in a bunch over protecting the wholesomeness of TLC.
from chauffi :
Thanks for filling out my survey, I'll be sure to come up with more questions on the next one.
from cassiopeia- :
Tears are running down my face! (from laughter) Been there and done that. Hope it was one night only!
from shortst101 :
Let me just say this.....putting your child in bed with you isn't a good idea at all. Take it from someone who has been there and done that, and I didn't want the freaking t-shirt! My oldest son who is now 10, well, he was still in our bed until he was 6, then we had to go to the floor in our bedroom and he was 8 before he would sleep in his own room. Kept saying he was afraid of the dark, etc. We learned our lesson with the 2nd one, believe me!
from brainbanger :
*shrugs* I thought Frank was gay tell I heard he was married. Then I thought about it... but is this a marriage of desire for the opposite sex, or did he really need a ride one day.
from imananifan :
your kid sounds really cute. get those big rolls of paper and tape huge sheets to his wall up to where he can reach, then he might quite drawing on objects. size apeals to little kidlets, and the bigger the better. buena suerte!!
from skarekrow :
since it worked for invisible boy it should work me, sign my survey and ill give you a dollar.
from invisibledon :
Thank you for doing my survey -- I asked mainly on a whim I didn't actually think you would do it -- that made my day and that you actually check out my diary now and then makes me happy too -- your diary always has something that makes me laugh -- thanks again
from mamierock :
Dearest Uncle Bob, I don't think Frank from Trading Spaces is actually gay. He mentioned his wife in a few episodes.. and I think he's just really, really effeminate.
from invisibledon :
take my survey --it's called invisibledon
from thebot :
Hey Uncle Bob! Did you know I went AWOL from the Army? Yeah - I still love you and all, but I'm living it up in a Canadain commune now with all my loser AWOL Army friends. Do with my link what you must.
from dumbmonkey :
uncle bob i miss you...
from autumnal :
oh yay i found you again
from jenne1017 :
actually, it is I who is the Pool Goddess, or at least I am the VA version of it!
from pocketbomb :
where ARE you?
from macfarlane :
Thats a kewl Diary Uncle Bob, I really like your layout and your entries, gonna list you as a fav so I can read more!
from jenne1017 :
aw golly geepers UB. You took my survey. You knew what I was talking about. Just for that, I'll send ya some nudies ;o)
from zemi :
Uncle Bob, to get rid of ANY pet stains get some Nature's Miracle at the pet store. It's a clear liquid enzyme that will digest any organic matter. Get the gallon, trust me. Oxy Clean also works. We have a brand new house, cream colored carpet, a dog that has peed and puked in every room so far and a kid that barfed orange soda in his bedroom. Everything looks and smells brand new still.
from jenne1017 :
hey...I took yours and you took cosmic's (BTW we are friends because now because of you and linking her diary during that bad time in her life) but will you take mine? I know the move has cost you some internet time but if you get a second??? Thanks UB!
from natashka :
bobby, i urge you to read up on BOLI laws. the parental leave act was designed specifically for working parents, and while i know you like the folks you work for, their policy (written or unwritten) is against the fucking law. don't let 'em dick ya like that. just freakin' dont.
from oceanwriter :
Sounds like you need to keep the dog in the kitchen of the apartment....if it has linoleum, that way the shit won't ruin the carpet. That is what I do with my dog when he is sick, just put a baby gate blocking the entrance. Makes life less stressful and assures no shit-stains.
from skarekrow :
so I made you famous last night. when I was working I got a call from Vestavia bowl in Birmingham. "Birmingham? Uncle bob Lives in Birmingham." Unfortuneately the guy on the phone had no clue, who the hell I was talking about. you got mentioned on a natinon wide radio station.
from pip :
thank you uncle bobbeh xox
from wicked-sezzy :
hey uncle bob!! i have only been checking in occasionally lately, but you're still funny shit. say, how is your diet plan going? i ask bc I started one (weight watchers) a couple months after you, and often found inspiration in hearing of your big-time superman discipline. Me I've lost 45 pounds so far! Whoo hoo! You rock man, don't ever stop writing or half of dland will commit mass suicide...
from lovethegood :
Hey Uncle Bob! My cousin just me about your website last week and I just wanted to say thanks for the laughs. I have had a crappy couple of weeks and no matter what mood I am in your site never fails to make me smile. I have to be careful reading at work though because I end up laughing hysterically and now everyone thinks that I am a little wacky-in-the-head. Suck-ass poems also, as you say, rawks! Thanks again. -Carrie
from pip :
dear uncle bob, remember how i was the first person to buy andrew a present? remember how you havent even TAKEN NOTICE TO THE FACT THAT IM GOING TO BE A MOMMY? gosh -- i thought you cared. ;) xoxoxo
from janeroe :
Christ, Bob, there's like four dozen people who've taken yer damn survey already! What the hell more do you want? I don't see you runnin' all over my site, givin' me love, you pouty bitch.
from jadedmax :
hey! i'd join the Army! well. . . you kno. . . if i'm cool enough oOo but i am i listen to Enya!
from sunny71 :
Andrew needs the markers that only show up on special paper. :)
from chromemm :
Damn you Uncle Bob for not getting internet connection in your home for the entire summer. Knowing my luck, you probably aren't gonna do your updates tell a couple hours later then you normally do. Which will be after I've already gone to bed I'm betting. Damn it UB, what am I going to do right before I go to sleep huh??? Did you think of that you greedy bastard. Now, I'm going to have to masturbate every time before I go to sleep JUST to make up for that sense of relaxation I get from your diary.......not saying I masturbate while reading your diary I'm just saying, your diary, masturbation....two things that put me to sleep......heh kidding. But now I'm gonna have to turn into a chronic masturbator just to get to sleep......thanks Uncle Bob..thanks a lot pal. If I chaffe down there this summer, don't be suprised if you recieve a medical bill from me for a couple gallons of skin moisturizer......heh
from rockergemini :
heya!!! I luuuuuv your diary! Check out mine if you feel like it.....even though its only filled with how I'm in love with a gay hairdresser, a guy who has 2 radio dj's pictures tattooed on his ass, oh, and Steven Tyler. Then there's the occasional entry about the pagan who's trying to kill me. *shrug* nothing much, atleast compared to yours. No, I am not sucking up. I'd afraid I dont know how to do that. Although I would probably be better off if i did....see ya and Rock on!!! Manda Gayle
from roadiepig :
I think you can make it without the home internet connection (while waiting on the new home), but I bet you will miss it more than you think...It will be worth the sacrifice, when you get into the new mansion, won't it?......I have had turkey smoked sausage, and your goofy BIL might have done you a favor by scarfing down some of it before you had to try to stomach it......
from sillyred :
Hey a week of the BIL for you means funny stories for me! So, bring on the BIL & the funny! Unless of course you kill him by letting him drink a Dr. Pepper with rat pee on the lid... but that is another story.
from djflash26 :
This has been on my mind for a bit, you talked about it like a week ago, but about housing costs in your area? First of all I'm a residential carpenter working around Rochester, MN, you probably know is the home of the Mayo Clinic. And that clinic messes with everything financially around here, people want loans, housing assistance, whatever, lenders and realtors take into account the average income of the county. Now for every half mill makin doctor in the county, there's ten couple's that clear 50 g's combined, so the average is inflated. Anyway to make a short point long, imagine this: Realtors are to home sales as slimy-assed sports agents are to athletes. Ruining the game. So it's not that the cost/value of the home your selling is low, its because the rest of the country (at least here) is grossly inflated. djflash26@hotmail.com
from poked2x :
hey unclebob, I entered, but I asked to win the tickets to the Dallas show, since I live in Dallas and all. I hope it still works for you and your homie.
from teleri025 :
Damn Bob, that's a groovy house. You are truly the man....every young hottie in Alabama and Tennessee should absolutely want to hop into one of those spacious closets with you. Seriously man, are you sure you won't lose your kid in all those rooms? That's a lot of places for a toddler to hide. Go you!
from sillyred :
Oh yeah- where exactly is your new home? Your house is freaking huge! And I can stay there instead of on the floor at the in-laws house (off Perry Hill), and you will never know I am there... unless I am making whoopie in a closet with your bro-in-law- cause I am mental like that!
from sillyred :
Do we have to actually register for the contest for it to count toward Mattie? Or do we just click to the site?
from toejam :
Hey Unclebob, are we supposed to ENTER that contest too, or is it enough that we visited the site?
from tracybd :
Are you trying to tell me that your house is only selling for 73,000? Please tell me that was a down payment! If not - I'm moving down to the States - houses up in Canada the same size go for at least 200,000. *gulps*
from dumbmonkey :
bobby! i stumbled across your diary, and i just wanted to say that i am a avid reader. i also wanted to tell you that we deal with a NAN, you're not alone. keep writing-kt p.s.-its nice to hear of a christian person that doesn't have a jesus stick ramed up his ass and doesn't push religion on his readers. you do it very tastefully, and its not "JESUS IS MY EVERLASTING LORD IN HIS ALMIGHTY HEAVEN! IF YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN GO AWAY!" my sister's marrying one of those kinds of christians, ::sigh:: oh well..i can deal.
from jenne1017 :
Oh my freakin' Lord---you wrote back to me! I know who you are Uncle Bob-O! And might I add, the wonderful little bugger who calls you dad is adorable and getting bigger and bigger! Ok, wow, I am in awe...you left me a note...prolly didn't stop by the diary, but that is ok. I may print screen later when I get back home (I work for the Government, so I have time to mess around online) and make an entry about your leaving me a note. Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
from jenne1017 :
so quick question---are you SUCK ASS poems supposed to really suck ass? Like, purposefully make them blow or what?
from sexxxiness :
Aaah! Couldnt find a guestbook link so thought I'd post it here. Two years ago I had missangela@diaryland and became a big fan of Uncle Bob. I was part of his Army too, oh yea. Now I'm back at DL, username sexxxiness ladies and gentlemen PLUG PLUG and first I had to check if my dearest Uncle Bob was still around. And he is! Army and all, Wack Assed message board and all! I'm going to love reading your stories again Bob. You might not remember me but I was the 18 year old European (amsterdam) chick- you even left me a few voicemails too. I think I'm going to pee my pants now.
from mzauberman :
I think God is seriously jerking you around, Uncle Bob. Good luck with the house.
from pixiekitten :
i just want u to know that ur my inspiration:) so ur the only diary i have on my fav list. cuz its dedicated to you. so go u. and ur kid too. hes awesumm.
from frontal :
oh happy father's day, to a fellow parent! =)
from jasmine-s :
Gosh - A house like yours would cost around 300 hundred thousand dollars here...no kidding. And that's when it's standing in a not-so-nice neighbourhood without schools and stuff nearby. Weird...Very nice of you to give that woman a change like that though :) Kind regards, jasmine.
from lexilla :
Happy Fathers Day!! Hope you had a great one!
from starinajar :
my god. $80,000 would only be a down-payment for houses like that in los angeles.
from cheerbaby12 :
I just found it hilarious that you, like I, have older, pesky neighbors who you would love to give them a piece of your mind. Since I have lived in my house, for 10 years, we have had this neighbor who throws a fit if a kid rides their bike past her house on the public sidewalk. She's told my 5 year old little sister to go ride her bike in the street. Speaking your mind sure sounds promising, huh?
from aroha :
the ironic thing is that you spent all that money on the boarding house for maggie, and the woman buying your house saw it with maggie *there*.
from bigglesworth :
hello. just heard of you.
from life-my-way :
Yo, Uncle Bob, I have a handy AND dandy real estate idea just for YOU. See, it's like this, aside from your mortgage holder, the person who will get the most money from the sale of your house is...wait for it...the Evil Christian Realtor. Why do we care about this? Because--she CAN come down on her commission. Especially if she is both the selling and listing agent. If there are two agents involved they could each come down a little on their commission. I was a real estate attorney for years and I've seen it happen. Often. I suggest that, when she returns with the counter-counter-counter offer, you do the following: ask her to pray with you and Susie. Pray earnestly, as you do with the calling list fossil lady. Pray for God to show you the way to sell the house. Pray as though no one were listening. Say "Amen." Then turn to your realtor, be wide eyed if possible, then say, "God spoke to me. I heard him speak. He said, 'Ask Evil Christian Realtor to come down on the comissions.'" If she says she cannot, pull out the most recent contract, point to where the comission percentage is listed and say, "There, just change that 7 to a 5." Or whatever. She CAN do this, don't let her fool you. You can thank me later. Katherine. p.s. If you already knew all this, nevermind.
from ughisme :
Hey U.B, Love your diary. Just wanted to let you know though that Jarheads are Marines not the Army. I had to take that one personally with a grand smile on my face.
from jasmine-s :
Hello :) Hope you don't mind that I've put you on my favorites list cause I think your diary is cool and I want to come back for more :) Kind regards, jasmine Symmons.
from supercoolme :
I love you, Uncle Bob. That is all.
from holyjudgment :
holy shit man,you are truly insane...I got to your diary because some ass-licker wrote how amazing you were.I don't think I ever laughed so hard with a diary than I did just now.Please keep up the writing,it's so hilarious to follow your life...
from phoenixchild :
I SAW that Triumph the Insult Dog thing on Conan! I fell off my chair laughing. And I'm a Star Wars geek, so it was doubly funny.
from darcelina :
Not an army member but checked the D's for you anyway... one of the dead ones belongs to you!! Tsk tsk tsk... they are: DearGabby, DickBlow and DragonScales. Drive safe!
from missprisy :
I see you're trying to get rid of memebers of your Army that hasn't updated their diaries, but I still wanted to ask. How does one become a memeber?
from susannahs :
here's a pic that didn't make it on the triumph flick: http://www.littleyellowdifferent.com/weblog_images/clones_9.jpg
from zinger53 :
I'm glad things worked out with the house. I was looking at your profile and I loved Pulp Fiction too...if you love bad movies, have you seen Weekend at Bernies? I love that movie, totally stupid but so dumb it's hella funny. Hey, how do I get into your arm?
from janeroe :
Ah-ha! I always wondered how a smart-mouth like Uncle Bob ended up at church every Sunday. Now I know it was out of sheer boredom and having no pot to smoke! It all makes sense now. I hope the house sells soon! Good luck!
from glorycloud :
hi uncle bob-what CD's are you listening to these days? I am wasted so I will close to drift-will keep reading your diary-glorycloud Jonny
from siren-songs :
I love your site! I was sitting here, bored out of my mind.. thinking I should blog since I can't sleep (some moron thought it would be a good idea to call my house at midnight, then hang up) so I was surfing diaryland and reading some of the surveys. Alot of people mentioned your site as one of their favorites, so I had to check it out. Glad I did! It is refreshingly funny and .. omg! an adult too! heh
from mspriss21 :
Alright, just got done reading some of your notes and I must say I'm thouroughly confused. What is this about your personal army>>? Please enlighten, I seem to be lost. I just started about a week ago and it seems as though it would take me a century to get to the start of your no doubt interesting story and learn all the characters that seem to compose the life of the person that is Uncle Bob:) But I have to say I'm terribly intrigued. You seem to be an inspiration if not an icon to many people in Diaryland. And I must say it seems I'm slowly becoming one of your minions. Not that I can complain,for I'm sure your bound to take me on an interesting literary ride. Much props to you for being able to command this type of response. I hope to hear from you:-D
from mspriss21 :
I'm new to tha game and I have to tell you, your site is what I strive for. You can almost feel the ease in which you write. And god bless you for not trying insanely hard to be funny because you're a natural! Keep it up and I plan to continue to read your entries. P.S. If you have any tips on how to make the most of this site,please let me know;)
from pocketbomb :
you went to school in GREECE?? how come?
from diabo1 :
your site is nothing short of incredible.How you do it ,I am not sure even you know.At any rate keep up the good work.....It will take me the better part of my life to get up dated with your previous entrees.Kudos Uncle.........
from rekhodiah :
Bob, I'm a geek. I'm proud to be a geek. And I have to say Shawn is a shameful example of geekdom. He brings disgrace to our very state of being. I play D&D, the Star Wars role-playing game, and stuff on-line. I even dress in costume on occasion and do the game live-action style. But NEVER will you see me crying over a freakin' peice of paper with statistics on it. You're absolutely right, it's just a game. Every White Wolf book has a disclaimer in it: "You're not a vampire, you can't suck blood or leap rooftops, and sunlight won't burn you. If you can't handle that, seek help." That's what Shawn's mother should have done... sought help for the poor bastard. She's just as much as fault as EverCrack is. By the way, IMHO, EverCrack is a poor excuse for D&D. Just my 2 cents.
from kate1979 :
I play eq and so does my boyfriend whom I live with. I don't understand the addiction, which my boyfriend has, but I do understand the emotions involved. People play this game for years at a time, hours every day, take days off from work to help the people they've met in game. Just because it is through a computer screen does not make it less real to some. People make real friendships and even go to meet the people behind the characters. And when something happens to ruin the work you have done, yes, you get upset. You may say, Get a life, but some people have tried and have settled for the life they have on screen. It is certainly more forgiving than the real world, althought even that is not saying much sometimes. People get hurt, people think they cannot get past it, just like more 'legitimate' reasons people have for killing themselves. This was real to him. This was probably all he had.
from kaire :
What I'm seeing as a key problem with "Naked Day" is that women who shouldn't be naked (like your mother-in-law) will not hesitate to do so. Subjecting anyone to that might cause problems of unknown proportions ....
from wienermom :
How do I get in the army? I don't have to do pushups, or math, do I?
from mskaos :
uncle bob, i love you;)
from laffinkid :
DEAR UNCLE BOB, *sniffle...tear forming in eyeball* Someday, sir, someday.....somehow...I only HOPE that I can mimic your "Roll-off-of-computer-desk-chair-bang-head-on-futon-nearly-hypervenalate-laughing" genre of humor. You inspire me...to be a better person. And someday my children's children's chilren's cousin's dog-walker's one eyed neighbor will come across this diary, and they too, will enjoy your wit and uncanny remarks... (a bit of maniacle laughter, which I, too, enjoy Tremendously!!) Love you diary Uncle Bob, do you mind if I name my child after you?........... Love peace and chicken grease~Sandi~laffinkid.diaryland.com~
from munkys-uncle :
AMEN Unclebob
from namelessgirl :
i don't want to intrude in your own private army, apparently it is of popular demand, but i just wanted to say that you are one of the only people nowadays that make me laugh my ass off. come check me out if you have the time (unless your evil in-law's come and make you do weird things that involve whips and blindfolds...ahem just kidding)
from getoffmyhalo :
hey bobito...how does one join the service??
from zinger53 :
Lol, great entry. Can I be in your army?
from sintimate :
More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics! More pics!
from punkahontas :
how does one become a part of unclebob's army?
from devilish- :
i was literally laughing my ass off at the 'my cuzin, she be a gradjit' bit, thank you unc'. bye
from mocksie :
http://www.steveswebpage.com Steve rocks my world... and even moreso now due to this page. thought you might get a kick out of it after reading your steve/joe rant. :) -mocksie
from emporeradam :
Join the Empire or FEEL MY WRATH. Please. :)
from ripetomato :
You denied him a hug? Colllllld ... I hope it didn't scar him.
from kaire :
holy crap ... that picture of your mo-in-law and bro-in-law looks shockingly normal. I'm stunned by that. I expected railroad striped overalls on him and some crazy whacked old lady perm on her. This makes me realize they are all around us, blending in ... just like serial killers! OMG! Whew ... too heavy a thought for 7 a.m.
from schmez :
Dood, me and SuperVirgin were in Winston-Salem getting our drink on when Steve's Last Day with Blue's Clues came on. Both of us were SOBBING by the end of the show. "Oh man, Steve's going to college -- wahhhhh wahhhhh. Steve, you rule man. We love you! SOB SOB!" Heee. *sniff* I miss SuperVirgin.
from jesusphreak :
Man, I loved that part about the boss's affair. Couldn't get any worse, but at the same time, couldn't get any better catching that little bugger in a lie. Catch ya later.
from natashka :
those darn beatles. the dangerous ones are dead, you know, because they were - well, dangerous. paul and ringo...my vote is for paul to go first.
from cassiopeia- :
don't you think that joe is way cuter than steve? don't you get the idea that maybe joe likes girls and that maybe steve didn't so much? we liked steve too, but sometimes he would freak us out with that stare!
from djwcmc :
I am with you on the Blue's clues thing. You just have to respect that poor Steve though, it takes guts to do that show for such a long time. I haven't had the chance to check out Joe, I will have to do that. You are the coolest!
from prfecangel :
Maybe you should try calling Andrew's doctor and ask if you can give him Imodium AD. Its great! It stops the diahria within an hour usually. But you want to make sure not to give him to much to stop the poor boy up for a couple weeks! I am not sure if they have it in a childrens formula so call the doctor to give him a smaller adult amount of the stuff. You will probably have to get the liquid! Well make sure you update us if you call! Nae
from chromemm :
hahaha oh shit...I'm not sure if I should feel honored that you actually linked me on a entry, or mortified on HOW you linked me.....damn my shitty spelling ...damn it all to HEL!!!...heh little joke.....though I do apreciate the hits.
from swimmmer72 :
buddhism!! kewl!! i'm so happy, i could drool!!! either way, you rule!!!
from missprisy :
Your son is so damn cute! I've enjoyed reading your stories, made me laugh :)
from mistymountn :
your son's pictures are adorable. the cell phone is absolutely precious!
from janeroe :
There. Suck ass poetry. Are you happy now?
from singinchik06 :
I just laughed for five (consecutive) minutes. (At your lovely writing of course.) My family thought I was having a heart attack. Sheesh! Happy Memorial Day.
from cazzi :
thats sounds like the best wedding ever!
from jolieani :
About your Pet Resort entry: I laughed so hard, my boyfriend was ready to call 911.
from mushufrufru :
uncle bob! i have an uncle bob, but he sucks. you are so much cooler. will you be my new uncle bob? (he's got lots of money but gives home-made gifts. you can only replase him if you promise never to do this to anyone!)
from jelybeanie32 :
i have to say, you rock... ahem... that is all
from nightngale :
Cool template! I like the asian sunset picture. Fits nicely with the haiku I just posted.
from diadexus :
i don't think i've heard a better combination of cynicism and sarcasim. keep up the great work.
from in-my-life :
Ooh! I want you to write one of those business stories about my business. I would actually want you to write about how I plan to achieve global domination in the next 30 days. Oh wait, I don't have $10,000.00. Never mind.
from trancejen :
"...while your dog gets more confused than Anne Heche at a gay bar with her husband." Heheheh. That broke me up...
from ajem16 :
Hi=)
from waterlu :
Warm up my seat in hell. I just love it when people from your congregation die and you have to call Dot and report on the conversation. Wish you had more old people in poor health, cuz I need the laughs. Thanks a bunch.
from swimmmer72 :
very funny. it's easy to see why you are on so many's fav diaries list. plus, i love the dog stories. don't stop on our account.
from jenne1017 :
Happy Random Guestbook Signing Week!! Pass it on! Gotta love ya UB!
from cassiopeia- :
Good luck at the vet this time!
from july61 :
Sounds like you'll have to get NAN one of those nice little Hickory Farms spreads once you sell your house. Since I'll ... I mean NAN ... will be taking care of Maggie and all... We especially like the ones with the snausages and smelly cheese. EXTRA smelly cheese. For the NADs you know. I only eat the crickets under my rock, of course. Signed, Nosey Assed Neighbor and NADs ;-)
from come-clean :
I've always thought that floyd should have to be sold with a joint or a ten strip...same rules apply for the dead, lou reed, and sublime.
from scorpio79 :
You are freakin hilarious. I loved reading your diary.
from natashka :
wow. my first bj was a floyd/weed experience. i bet you were just DYING to know that...
from pip :
uncie bobbbb .. buy the new wilco IMMEDIATELY! its terrific. would i lie to ya, baby? would i lie?
from truly-kate :
Hey Unclebob, have been reading your journal for a while and really enjoy it. Read your entry about the chicken. Cook chicken first in the wok, then take it out and stir-fry the veggies until they're 90% done (fresh veggies work best, if it's something tough like asparagus or broccoli, they should be blanched first or cooked in the wok with the cover on), then add the chicken last and stir-fry all together for like a minute more. Hope you're feeling better, raw poultry is dangerous!
from paper-rose :
I just emailed you to ask to be put in your army... I have to admit, it was the uncooked chicken that did me in and made me decide to become a recruit. hehehe :)
from classics :
there was definitely a point in rayn's diary where I said to myself "hey this is clearly BULLSHIT" but it didn't matter, I still thought her diary kicked butt :D Love, Sinnamon
from toejam :
All right Unclebob. I've been waiting patiently to be added to your recruits list for months. What's the trick? Do I have to break into your diary and add my own name? And stop putting cotton balls in your ears. Gross.
from squara :
unclebob, buy the wilco!! i highly recommend it.
from waterstain :
without fail, whenever someone tries to explain me to someone else, the word 'quirky' is tossed to and fro with great abandon. just think, uncle bob. perhaps you have something in common with me. and what could be better than that, i ask you.
from ripetomato :
How do I get to be in your army thingamy?
from starrfish :
Hi Uncle Bob! There ARE doggie daycare centers! At least there are in my area (Raleigh, NC). I don't know what they charge but I'm pretty sure it's cheaper than boarding at the vet. Check it out - you might find one near you too. Good luck! Sandy http://starrfish.diaryland.com/
from bnvicious :
chocolate always works....of course it causes them to have heart attacks, but it works....
from oceanwriter :
Hey we have tons of doggy day-cares in Seattle....they started a few years ago and now seem to be the rage...and also pretty expensive! Maybe you could find a pet sitter, they might be cheaper. good luck!!
from sixweasels :
Definitely no Nosy-Assed Neighbor dogsitting. Her dogs would probably go even more insane than usual, and potential buyers would think "do I want to live in a house next to THREE barking dogs?" That's not to mention the NAN cooties.
from madhattersl :
Dear UncleBob: I'm from the Arctic State of Wisconsin (where there is still intermittent snow) around the city of Green Bay. Up here, there are doggy day care centers. Rather, they're just kennels that take dogs on a short term basis. Just thought you might be intrigued by that.
from tracybd :
Most Kennels have some sort of "daycare" service as well as extended services to take care of your dog. Or call your vet or A vet to see if they know of any places ... see, another crappy thing about the States vs. Canada. We DO have Doggy Day Cares. *grin*
from natashka :
hey, get her some doggie downers so she's asleep all day. i'm thinking BIG doses of xanax...
from mistymountn :
we have doggy daycare here in new hampshire. probably on account of the fact that we also have too many spoiled rich folk with nothing better to do with their cash. look into it down there. only i think it costs more than $5 a day.
from mizlizzy :
Dear UncleBob...I have been wracking my brain with regard to the problem with Maggie. Something does have to be done so that you can sell the house. The only reasonable alternatives I can think of is kenneling during the day, or if you have a friend you can trust, that doesn't mind dogsitting, to do that for you, at their place. Of course, you should pay them, but it could be cheaper than kenneling. Honestly, if you lived close to me, I'd be happy to do it, and FYI I have a Rottenweiler, and he's as gentle as a lamb, and loves to play with other dogs. It's not the breed, its the owners. AKA Nosy Assed Neighbor...and others! But, I'm in Michigan, you're in Allybammy. You might be able to find a kennel that's reasonably priced. There is also the muzzle, which I abhor, and crating her, but she'll still bark. Hope you can work it out.
from mychai :
Sooo... I don't get it. Your dog isn't exactly Cujo. And I grew up in the South (Mississippi) with a shih-tzu as my constant companion. The black folk were always deathly afraid of my 10-lb. dog named Arther.
from cheesedip1 :
Bob~ There is such a thing as a doggie babysitter. My mom takes her spoiled rotten dog there all the time. So look into it~ and see if there is one where your at. I think its hell of more cheaper then the vet.
from redkate96 :
Maybe you could board the dog at an obedience school or dog training place? Maybe a petsitter - in the paper or phone book? A teenage kid with a yard who you could pay to keep the dog during the day since school's almost out? If not, you can kennel him at the vet. Or what about a crate? He might still bark though... What a stupid realtor - she should've told you about this MUCH sooner.
from anamlabodis :
Alright. If your real estate schmucks were more reliable, you could hire a "home when you're not" person to pet-sit while they view the house. Maybe that would keep Maggie calmer. Or, even, hire them to actually walk her while they view it. I wonder if you could find an on-call walker and have the scumbag realtor coordinate timing with him/her??? Otherwise, find a cheap kennel and board her a few days at a time.... If Kelly ain't lying about the good feedback, you should only have to do it a few times. Try feeding your St. Joseph, maybe? Heh.
from darcelina :
hey Uncle Bob... my dogs go to a doggie daycare a few days a week, they do exist! And at least in my case the people running the place know a thing or two about dogs, so don't worry about Maggie getting chewed to bits. You should check it out, it's worth it if she's scaring buyers away. Good luck
from in-my-life :
I glanced at your notes and I'm surprised there aren't actual links in here. I found a few sites when I searched for dog+day+care+Alabama+Montgomery but then I couldn't remember if that was actually your city or if I made that up. Good luck!
from genibee :
Oh, bye the bye - most pitbulls are sweeties with people, but they are generally dog aggressive. I have had more close calls with cocker spaniels than I ever had with pits, although you do have to be much more of a dedicated dog owner to deal with them - not the casual owner that some of the more mellow dogs can work well with.
from genibee :
Unclebob, there are such things as doggie daycare places - we have one down the street from us. They have several areas so that more timid dogs can be seperated from more bouncy or aggressive ones, and of course if the dog is truly aggressive, they won't admit him. The vet boarding would work well, too. I used to work at a vet clinic, and all of us techs would dogsit for extra cash - there might be a person there willing to take the dog home during the bulk of the day when you'd be getting realtors over.
from azaezelya :
Hey Uncle Bob-- I've got a suggestion for your dog. :) You should look around town for a kennel of some sort. My Mom sends her dogs to one when she goes out of town and apparently they aren't all that expensive, I think she pays $20 a day for both her dogs. It may be about that or cheaper if its just during the day for yours. So there ya go. Some advice from a total stranger. :)
from papparoach :
Hey Uncle B, have you considered maybe sedating the dog on days that people will be looking at your house? Of course this would mean that your psychic realtor would have to give you some advance notice. I had a chow once that was the evil reincarnate of Satan himself and we just gave her a couple of sedatives (Vet approved of course) and she was as calm as she could be. Maybe the vet could hook you up with some doggie Prozac or something to calm the old dog down. It might be worth considering. PRK
from susannahs :
Oh, and I have a pitbull who is the biggest baby. Pitbulls are only as mean as their owners make them. There are only a couple of the daycares in town that won't take him because of his breed, but most - the true and educated animal lovers - know that he's as likely to go ballistic as your average teacup poodle.
from susannahs :
There is such a thing as doggie daycare - its about $15 a day in Kansas City. Also call the vet - sometimes they'll board the dog just for the day. The doggie daycares - generally - are much better though as they get plenty of exercise and attention. Good luck
from fuzzmom :
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
from jenne1017 :
I gave a few bucks...i got dr.'s bills myself. Thanks for the 411
from oldcodger :
God Uncle Bob! What sort of size of dog have you got there? What was it doing catapulting itself against the back door? Suggest instead of bricks up it's arse you try fast drying cement. Then just watch the scabby thing scrape its backside along the backyard!!
from kelly :
good thing you pointed out to me that you were on the left...if you hadn't, i might have mistaken you for your son:)
from bychance :
Awww...that picture is SO cute!!! =)
from chromemm :
Hey Uncle Booby....I don't know if you know this yet, but tomorow has been declared the offical "LETS THANK UNCLE BOB FOR BEING SO COOL!' here on diaryland. Its a yearly celebration we shall all be holding. It breaks down like this. We, as the readers, will tell you how cool you are. You, being Uncle Bob and all, will then show your apreciation by linking my diary in your entry tomorow *cough* yeah...thats how it goes *sits in corner, waiting to see if you fall for it* heh heh
from killandra :
did you just say dirty bird? Your name isn't Annie is it? *grin*
from chromemm :
eh, don't be so hard on yourself with this Uncle Booby. Personally I didn't take offense from it, then again I didn't look at the naked picky you dirty bird you.....heh, kidding.
from missvile-nce :
uncle bob. let's runaway to *insert you dream destination* and frolic in the stars. *ahem* uh geez...
from madjack :
Next time you notice NAN sniffing around inside your house, don't hesitate and flee to Europe right away. I'm sure I could put you up with some German lesbians.
from jezzebell :
Did they really say that on Ed? I missed it last night. I am so bummed. I think I would have picked up on that, being such a big fan or yours and all. BTW, I am still chuckling at the "Lisa Lopes" photo of Andy falling out of his stroller. That was hilarious. How did you get him to shut his left eye like that? That was priceless.
from sillyred :
Uncle Bob, you are forgiven. And I will be in Montgomery this weekend, so be afraid, be very afraid.
from oldcodger :
Fuck me Uncle Bob, you're not turning into a puff or something are you?
from andina :
Did I miss something??? *checks URL* I'm lost, what was all that about???
from flicka23 :
Though you might have fun with this website. Trust me, it's fun: www.pornolize.com it takes any website and 'pornolizes' it for you. have fun! :P
from fronpaula :
it's okay bob... you're only human like everyone else :D
from mychai :
Who are these people?
from aroha :
damn dick! no pun intended.
from debsiobhan :
Damn you unclebob. Now I don't think I'll be able to really watch the spiderman movie and enjoy the plot. I'll be too busy looking at how he fills out his spandex. Love your stuff - Deb
from chromemm :
I just thought of how much shit you would get if your wife knew you called her a crackwhore on here, even in jest. You think you are sweating over fucking up ans saying "I dunno"...ho boy....heh
from gweenie :
Hey Uncle Bob! Ummm... since you appreciate things that are shall we say interesting? I thought you might like this site: http://www.petitiononline.com/twotower/petition.html Maaaaaaaaaybe you can increase your hits with this gem. It is a petition to change the name of the movie The Two Towers to something else. Tolkien is accused of being insensitive to the victims of the September 11 attack. I have laughed myself silly at this thing. The owner of the petition is deleting the tongue in cheek remarks... so you'd better hurry to read them, my precious! Meanwhile... good luck with the house! ~Gweenie
from dorcus :
eh.
from pazazygeek :
Unclebob, is it possible that your NAN is just a poor, lonely lady?
from raversweetie :
if you want even more hits write *raver porn password* somewhere in your diary. i get at least 89732948 hits a day from the pervs looking to get a free password. and why was lisa lopes in her PJs on the autopsy table?? shouldn't she be naked? or was she driving the car in her PJs? Hrmmm.
from wendyloo :
I think the color problem is many men are shade-blind. Like Steve will say a dark khaki is brown and a lighter one is tan. Women pay more attention so are more attuned to the subtle variations in color. I was reading a scientific research article how in modern society seeing these differences in shade isn't so important because most of our visual cues come form two dimensional places like the computer and the television. Way back when people had to weather the elements and grow their own food knowing the slight change in the color of the sky was more important. Glad I rambled? Anyway, have fun making all the other choices for the house. It's a trick like when a woman asks..does this dress make my butt look big?
from bmtminga :
COULD YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW TO SEE THE LISA LOPES AUTOPSY PICS.... I CANNOT FIND THEM ON YOUR SITE..... I MAY HAVE READ WRONG - I THOUGHT YOU WERE ADDING THEM TO THE SITE "TOMORROW." PLEASE ADVISE. I THANK YOU IN ADVANCE
from somatic :
Still creepier than the fact that so many MANY MANY!!! people are searching for Lisa Lopes Autopsy... your site was, like, the 16th hit on Google. That means these are *determined* searchers. Heh. Weirdos.
from chromemm :
I know what would REALLY get me hits, but it seems your not taking my bribes. So...black mail it is....heh heh kidding about that. no really, I'm kidding. I promise I won't post pics of you in women's lingirie riding Al Gore like a greased pig....whooops.
from chromemm :
Listen here bucko, I don't apreciate you offering up naked photos of Sarah Machelle Gellar and not producing them. I'm kind of disapointed big guy....thought you would come through for me so I get in some quality spankin time and look what you did......heh
from hellsbelle :
It's official: I'm hooked. It was the humping stories that did it.
from dilettante :
Severed Penis Recipes? Like what-- stir-fried? Poached? Gratineed with finely diced scallion, a pinch of nutmeg, and maybe a few sprigs of thyme for garnish? You, my friend, are far too funny.
from sillyred :
you are a sick and funny bastard
from thintowin :
You know, I see links to your page all over th eplace, but in my dense little drama-queen world I have never had the time to check you out. You just made my whole day. I'll probably be spending the next 2 weeks sitting here glued to the computer reading all your entries, so when I get fired from work, I'm telling them it is all your fault, ok? ok.
from goodlovin :
You know why I like your diary? Because you are not a wierdo pro-anorexic girl, you don't add z's to the end of your wordz, and you are a lot more entertaining than my real Uncles. Jus thought you should know.
from elapang :
Hey, Unclebob! I have a diary! elapang.diaryland.com Check it out!
from chromemm :
Have I ever told you Uncle Booby that I LOVE YOU!!! Can I dry hump your leg? You know...for scientific purposes.....heh
from boofkadinky :
dear mr unclebob... when my lil 10 yrs old girl chile asked me what does the "c" word mean... i told her "real estate agent"... i feel your pain.... kind regards.. boofka queen of australia
from goddessdevi :
Well geeze, now that you made a big production out of it... You amuse me with your shameless. I would never call my wife a crackwhore. But then again, I'm not a lesbian, so I wouldn't have a wife to begin with? Does your wife know about your diary? I'd be curious. I know a couple on DLand that both keep diaries-Loki and Fuzz Mom. Heh. Uncle Bob and Aunt Susie. An amusing idea. Okay, I've paid my dues. Peace out. -Devi-
from dee-heretic :
yeah, it would kill us. i mean. sure!
from eekaroni :
hey,,.,.,.,I miss dick blow! hehe but it's ok. his memory lives on in my heart...
from drmerswife :
Hey Big Guy, Just want you to know that you rock my world. I get up in the morning just so I can read your journal, laugh my big-ol-booty off and start my day off right. Not with a bowl of cereal, juice, toast and milk. But with a nutritious helping of my dear old Uncle Bob. Love me some Uncle Bob, yes sir. You take care now and tell that sweet little crack whore Susie I said hi, and keep a close eye on Andrew. That humping thing sounds like it could be habit forming. Be good now, The Drummers Wife
from sintimate :
MORE PICTURES!!!!!!! Of either you, the missus, Andrew, Maggie, all of you, the house, NAN, etc.... JUST. PUT. UP. MORE. PICTURES!!
from batten :
Hi Uncle Bob, Just a note to keep you happy... Have a great weekend and best of luck strangling granny for the money owed... -J
from tygerchild :
Poor UncleBob. Here, a note for you. And that's all I can think of. I'm tapped out.
from cosmicrayola :
"c", "G", "B", "D", & "F". There's not one, but 5 notes for you, OK? So chill!
from komradphil :
i am guessing it would not. and in the interest of doing one good thing today...i am now..pressing...the ...done.... button
from sonzi :
i, unfortunately, was tricked into staring open-mouthed at the man-eating-baby picture on rotten.com. and let me tell you i almost lost my dinner. really right now, thinking about it refreshes the vivid mental picture burned into my eyelids...sick. but other than that, i thoroughly enjoy your diary.
from untame-able :
I don't know if it will kill me. If I die I will leave another note telling you. and you know we all love your diary.
from trinity63 :
I am so sorry I haven't written sooner, I have been busy MOVING out to our utopia! Love, Trin
from bingoguy :
I'm leaving a note...
from dailysp :
where can I find my dear sweet uncle bob? I can only find you. Haaaaaaah. That's so funny I can't even be bothered logging in right. Weet.
from chickpeas :
You asked for notes so here a note. I read your diary. You're very funny. I wanna buy a house. Your house buying stories give me inspiration.
from thisisjohn :
you one crazy fo.
from puckishone :
You can only go by the old adage: neither a lender nor a borrower be. Too many times lessons attempted to be taught by those who know through experience go unheeded until we find ourselves under the very same rock and someone is always standing on top shaking their head and bemoaning the fact they told us so. Couldn't be this is where the expression "life's a bitch" originated, could it?
from runic-rhymes :
Hey uncle bob, did you know there's a designer calling herself uncle bob? Interesting, eh? I think she's unclebob27, username wise. You guys should have an unclebob convention.
from celtikitty :
I just discoverd your diary not to long ago. I loved today's entry. $326 is crazy for some damn dogs eye.
from paxil-addict :
The rotten.com pics of the man/baby aren't real. The guy had a jar of Krogers grape jelly shoved in the rear, not a remote. Ummm I don't go there, just uhh heard. Yeah that's right. I heard. But I do take your side about those types of websites. Actually I wrote a long-ass entry about it awhile back. I feel like there ahould be more people looking into sites such as that to make sure all lawa are being followed, and to possibly construct new ones. I am going into Internet Law, b.c. of sites that disgust me, and I admit: I do stop by some-not often & not for enjoyment-to see exactly what people can get away w/ now days. And believe me Bobby--it is alot.
from whatcanisay :
I just want you to know that I think you're "f'n" hilarious sometimes. Only sometimes...I don't want to say all the time because that would make me sound like a drooling groupie or something...which I'm not. really. okay, i'm going now...
from rainegoddess :
Hey Uncle Bob, you rawk!! Your diary is my first read of the morning. Luv ya!
from officeass :
Hi Uncle Bob. Having a grandmother who's currently undergoing diabetes-related amputations, I have a sincere sympathy for your illness. Diabetes is often very controllable as I'm sure you know, so I have no doubt that you will be able to keep your disease in check. I have a chronic illness myself (crohns disease; your favorite non-fatal disease, was it?) and I know what a pain in the ass all the diet-watching can be. But you will be fine. I can tell you are a very dedicated and motivated individual. I enjoy your diary very much and look forward to your updates. Here's wishing you much good health and new homes in the future.
from smartepants :
hi uncle bob! i love you! just wanted to inform you, incase you care, that my old site, tenminsfast.diaryland.com has moved to, well..smartepants.diaryland.com. i figured you wouldnt want a broken link so.. im just lettin you know! <3 Jamie
from likedying :
I think rotten.com is funny, i get grossed out a little bit, but then just burst into laughter. some of the pictures are funny, not all a gross.
from phelicity :
What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything
from teralyne :
I love your diary. I make sure to check it daily. Thanks for sharing you wit.
from rekhodiah :
I don't visit as often as I should. You rock my socks.
from leiascully :
Speaking as one who lives in Fayetteville, Arkansas (more happening than Gulfport, MS, I'm sure), I don't think we have high-rise penthouses. At all. Anywhere. Just so you know.
from easterkat :
Uncle Bob rawks!
from westburian :
(I'm holding a sealed envelope to my head, like Carnac the Magnificent...and divine the following answer).. . . . EVERY CURSE WORD AND CUSSING PHRASE EVER UTTERED OR SCREAMED SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME... . . . (answer: what uncle bob will be posting next saturday morning when evil mother in law once again fails to come up with the money owed)
from mistymountn :
it was potatoes and a jar of jelly. and it was very, very yucky. yes, i'm a twisted individual, obviously, because i visit rotten.com and look at it all. i don't really have the stomach for it, but i have a morbid curiousity that gets the best of me. love your diary. =)
from kaire :
Bob Hope naked? and people think *I* need help! wooooooooo! Can't (and don't wanna but you made me!) even imagine what his old wrinkled package looks like ....
from nisshoku :
Hey Uncle Bob! I'm leaving you a note, because you asked for some....have a nice day!
from azaezelya :
Just wanted to say hi. That is all. :D
from patitas :
My boy is called Bob. Bob is not his real name - it's Seabastian. While I was pregnant, his Dad informed me that we would be having a boy and his name would be Bob. After he was born I fought the Bob name calling, but it was too late. The name "BOB" stuck. Regardless of what I named him, everyone called him Bob. Destiny I guess...
from tiedyed714 :
Since my other Uncle Bob is dead, I guess I'll have to leave a note for you.
from steelvenus :
do you know how many Bob's I have to keep sorted out? 1 father, 1 brother, 1 grandfather, 2 uncles, 3 cousins and a fish (it was funny when i bought him) You're in good company.
from aroha :
What you need to do is try to get your neighbor's gate open without her noticing so that her dogs go and play with the traffic.
from mamierock :
I love you UncleBob! http://members.diaryland.com/edit/rings.phtml?ring=unclebobfans
from woogie :
Hey UB, IshKabibil here. Keep loving on Maggie; we had to have my dog put down Friday after having him for over 12 years. Damn, that shit was hard. So go home today and hug her smelly, stinking ass!!~hee~ Peace Out
from kelly :
dear uncle bob, you rock my world. i'm honored to be in your army. send my love to the wife and kids, xxoo. kel.
from likeyoucare :
Your still funny as all hell!. I can't go a whole month without my Uncle B.
from sillyred :
UB-tell NAN to go buy a house and rot in it
from killandra :
You're awesome Uncle Bob! You're my Hero Uncle Bob. Thanks for being you Uncle Bob. Hmmm, did that kill me? No, I'm still typing.
from ghostfox :
Uncle Bob, I'm glad you're keeping your dog and not sending her away anywhere. I got all happy when I first read that in your diary, even though I don't know yuo or your dog. So. No, it didn't kill me to leave this note.
from babyimastar :
wow.
from jadenathers :
Uncle Bob, Thank you...your diary saved me from gauging my eyes out with a rusty spoon beacuse of boredom. Jade
from embley :
By the way. I was referring to the "Daddy of the year" entry. Slipped my mind that would have no idea which one I was talking about.
from genibee :
Dear Uncle Bob: I love you. Yours, Genibee
from embley :
This was one of the funniest diary entries I've ever read. Seriously. The gang member thing? Oh shit. I was laughing out loud at the computer by myself. This was wonderful. I even linked it in one of my entries as "this is one of the funniest diary entries I've ever read"... the entry was called "parental guidance" I think, if you care to see the linkage. Anyway. Yay.
from tigger-cat78 :
Hey Uncle Bob, love your diary! Not, it won't kill me to write.......just hurt a little, maybe. :D Love ya!
from in-my-life :
Hi Uncle Bob, I'm relatively new to your diary but I read some of your other stuff from my MBTV days (er TVWOP). I don't hang out there too much any more, simply because the crowd seems to be getting younger and younger. Oh wait, maybe it's me. I am getting older aren't I? The recaps are still great though! You asked for a Note and I'm sure you've been "noted" to death to day. So, here's another one for ya. Cheers!
from silentyears :
You kick ass. Truly.
from dorcus :
hi
from emobliss :
here's a note unclebobby!
from sadistjaci :
Even if it would kill me, I'd still leave my Uncle Bob a note to make him happy. [removes lips from Uncle Bob's ass.] Awesome freakin' diary, I read it faithfully every morning, thus making me late for school everyday. Though, dealing with the Office Nazis is a trauma in itself, its worth reading your diary every morning. --Jaci
from fuckerina :
i have no idea how i ended up with a user-name. but that's alright, we can ignore that for the time being. i will be completely honest here: usually, i dislike christians. but you are the bomb. plus, you make me piss myself before breakfast, which is quite an achievement in itself. so, thanks. amy.
from splorch :
I guess it wouldn't kill me, but it's starting to look like not leaving one will hurt a whole lot.
from popnoir :
Take me to your leader.
from thedetails :
Since you asked for it, I'm leaving you a note.
from annabanae :
Nope, it wouldn't kill me so here's my note. Long time reader, first time note leaver. Just wanted you to know I read you every morning before I head to campus. I scare the crap out of my roommate- usually I'm pretty grumpy in the morning and she hasn't figured out what I'm reading online that makes me laugh so early in the am and I think she's too afraid to ask. After reading you I can usually go to my 8 am with a little better perspective on things- or at least with a better sense to find the humor in the hand we've been dealt and be a smart ass about it. So keep up the good work.
from leiascully :
You're quite addictive, as if you didn't already know it. I'm hooked, and it's only been a couple of days. Thanks for writing, in this diary and the others.
from cazzi :
i <3 you
from badgergirl :
*leaves dear sweet uncle bob a message* *dies*
from anty :
In almost just a day.. UncleBob has so many notes. The love is just radiating off of this website. eww.
from foursheep :
Just a note to say I love you Uncle Bob! Well, ok, not really. I like you Uncle Bob!
from radpanda :
I liked your story about having crabs today. The "old you" was a pretty cool guy. Maybe you can get crabs again this summer. Rock on with the great writing!
from yippy-skippy :
Yes, it killed me to leave a note. Hope you are happy with what you have done.
from teleri025 :
Passionate love and sympathy to you for the B&B incident. Weeee. I left a message for you. See.
from tracybd :
Ok, ok. Since you decided to lay a guilt trip on - I the reader - I'm leaving you this Note. Not to be confused with a message. Note. There. Happy?
from slyparadox :
hey uncle bob!
from ara-aspasia :
Wanna hear something sad and pathetic? I didn't read your diary for about 2 weeks (when I first began reading it) and when I realized, I printed off all the missed entries (about 30 pages worth at 12pt. in MS Word) and read them for about 2 hours. THATS what a good writer you are. I don't print if I don't have to :) Luv ya UncleBob!
from forallweknow :
Thanks for the army recruitment! You sexy thing, you. ;-)
from sinnamon :
Alright here's your bloody note! :D The blood is because it nearly did kill me to leave this thing, but its here and all crimson with my life juice on it! :)
from whatawoman :
I'm going to Virginia Beach in 3 weeks. I'll be sure to drag my feet through the water. Thanks for the tip!
from fotini901 :
Hi Uncle Bob, it's me Fay, I've emailed you about your evil mother-in-law. I'm leaving you a note because you told me to. I liked your B&B story, and I am a big fan of B&B's so that really sucks! Be sure and keep us posted on whether or not you get your money from The Bitch.
from tuff517 :
You da bomb, Unca Bob.
from lehua-nani :
i love you, uncle bob!!!
from no1sgirl :
I saw your banner and just had to check it out! I love your diary! Especially the color effect! Keep up the good work!
from somatic :
I, too, have the notes/guestbook overlappy thing. No one leaves me notes (yet - I haven't been here long), but I figured that since you were begging and all... Anyhoo, I've been reading your diary for AGES 'cause I'm a DHAK junkie. Now I'm a Diaryland convert. See what you made me do?
from lorster :
Y'know... You have become part of my morning routine. Pee, brush my teeth, grab a coffee, check in with Uncle Bob. And to be honest, if I didn't have to go so badly first thing in the morning, I'd probably read you first. Thank you for making mornings more fun!
from sj1 :
notes? messages? whats the difference? eh, anyways, hi uncle bob
from dufess :
No, leaving a note wouldn't kill m- *dies*
from madamefromag :
Hi Uncle Bob! I am dieing to get my hands on a copy of the Twin Peaks pilot. Please do divulge your source.
from melodyjoy :
If you haven't already, you need to check out www.rhzine.com. I think your writing would be a great addition. Check it out... Love your stuff
from jezzebell :
You can't even come up w/ an original column and you expect a note??? Just kidding. Thanks for making me feel better about the fact that I haven't been on vacation in over two years.
from leina :
Since it isn't killing me, here is me leaving you a note. =+}
from thatgrrrl :
Probably not, but if it does, I've written a note that explains that it's all YOUR fault, so the cops will be coming after you (and my bro-in-law IS a cop, btw, so he'll be one of them). :) Btw, check out MY diary (thatgrrrl.diaryland.com), and leave ME a note, you big hunky stud of a daddy-man, you. ;)
from fuzzmom :
Far be it from me to ignore a healthy dose of guilt from my dear, sweet Uncle Bob. And by the way, I think you confused sadism and masochism in today's entry, unless you were talking about one of your personalities sitting back and snickering with glee when the other one plowed into the wall. Or maybe I'm just overtired. You never know.
from chromemm :
No, really, that wasn't boring at all. Let me reasure you not at any moment was I bored in the least bi.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz heh, kidding. You know I love yeah like the gay uncle I never had....heh
from sillyred :
Uncle Bob, here is my note. That mall you went to on Saturday night, it was Montgomery Mall right? My in-laws live in Montgomery and I have visited there often.
from katiedibs :
here is a note for you unclebob :-) you rock my socks. so... do i get one in return..? *g*
from chromemm :
As a matter of fact it would kill me to do this. Yep, I can feel my life force bleeding out of me now ....gee, thanks for killing me Uncle Booby! Just rember to piss on my grave then anally rape my mother on it while you are at it....heh
from pip :
my uncle was in a weird al movie. [oh, and im having a baby. wheres MY winnie the pooh wall decor? ;)] xo.
from toothbrush :
Hi Uncle Bob!

I'm going to Florida today!
from aneedtoargue :
um...I've never left a message before... But just wanted to say that I found your site, about a week after I discovered weblogs or diaries or whatever else are the names for these journals of self expression. I've probably read about a third of your entries from diaryland and I check out nearly all the sites and friends you link to.... So before I lose my train of thought, thank you for being who you are...your entries mean a lot to me and some of my friends. Problem is I'm too busy reading up your site and all the others I've got bookmarked, to write anything of interest in my own. Got any ideas on how I could start off - serious, funny or embarrassingly truthful? Any thoughts would be extremely well received. *Chelle*
from jendra :
*dies* Hmm.. I guess it would.
from witchyred :
No, it would not kill me to leave you a note. Just mentally drain me, as you are such a witty, and funny person, I would be poorly lacking the capabilities to leave an equally witty or funny note to both amuse, and impress you. *Sigh* Such is the cruelty of life. :D But, I am a faithful reader, eagerly awaiting every installment of your diary, with as much enthusiasm as young girls eagerly await every new *NSync release. BTW, the next time your NAN sees you in your back yard, and runs over to bug you, tell her you just heard from your realtor, and while fixing your roof is a good idea, they suggest she and her dogs hightail it out of the neighbourhood, ASAP, as they are bringing down the value of your home. If this seems too cruel, just scream when you see her, and run away, and if she asks? "I swear to GOD, there was a HUGE swarm of _____ (bugs, bees, birds, whatever your fancy), right behind you", and do this repeatedly, until she developes a paranoia about going outside. :D Keep up the excellent entries, Uncle Bob.
from stargurl7400 :
awwww.. you know we love you Uncle Bob! :)
from karastar :
LOVE the entry about your kid falling down the stairs at the mall and you being the worst dad ever. haha. I babysit a lot and have those problems all the time. Like today when I was throwing a big plastic ball in the air for a just-turned-4 year old to catch and it landed right on her face. Oops. I am sure the neighbor next door that was mowing his lawn is going to tell their parents all about how I threw a ball in her face. Ugh. Anyway, hbobaloo told me about how awesome of a writer you are, and I totally agree. Keep up the humorous entries! :)
from slick45 :
look out. if that dog is your mother in law's than she's gonna use it as an excuse to not give your money back. think about it. . . if you get rid of the mutt and she wants it back and you cant provide it well then you are screwed becuase she'll somehow use it against you. that is if that dog is her's. or is it yours? i'm not really sure. i'm just trying to look out for my uncle bob.
from xstiffyckbex :
Hi uncle bob! my name is tifany, and I basically read your diary every day. It's hilarious, and most of the time I can relate to how annoyed you get with certain people in your life. Hmmmm....well that's about as long a note as you'll be gettin from me right now, I gotta go get ready for sleep and then work my two jobs again tomorrow. Ready for my compliment on your writing? Here goes...You, Uncle Bob, are awe-inspiring. byee
from endline :
uncle bob, you rock my socks. as a matter of fact, if you lived in OHIO, i'd buy you ice cream. that's how cool you are. ; )
from greenwitch :
its baking soda and vinegar. mix them and it makes a really nice foaming mess. try it with a drop of food coloring for extra fun. realtors are a breed unto themselves. they are so full of wonderful things to say about every house they step into. It doesn't matter though, you will sell your house. Sooner rather than later, I hope. Peace.
from munkys-uncle :
no it wouldn't kill me to leave a note. It's just that I find your humor so damned funny that I usuallly have tears in my eyes after reading it. (Tears in my eyes is not a bad thing)I took several minutes after reading todays entry to calm down quit laughing and then write you this note. I love your diary!! Your shit is funny!! I am going to go read more of your old Brad Pitt entries now. Keep up the laughter.
from ineedana :
I was wondering, how in the heck do you link people? I really do enjoy reading your diary. You always seem to cheer up my day :-) can't say that about my diary though...oh well. I'm messed up in the head, but isn't everybody?
from kidvision :
Hello Uncle Bob. I really enjoy your diary
from cherry2000 :
Yes- it killed me to do this. Will you come to the funeral? We could hang out, get a beer... Oh- wait. I'm dead. *Dammit.* Hate when that happens.
from latinsk8er69 :
Uncle bob,you fuckin rock.I love reading ur diary.it is a daily thing for me.Your humor is one of a kind.Never change.and tell that nosy ass neigbor to get a life instead of invading yours.Peace Lamberto
from trancejen :
I'm leaving a note, because I missed the last few UncleBobs, and you left a guilt-inducing message in an entry that was like something my mother would write, and she scares me. So hi, Uncle Bob. Happy house-selling.

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